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"Not having a filter is a sign of mental decay." Freaking gold. Helps me smile and move along at those people who are rude and very proud of how "blunt and honest" they think they are. 😊
I have no filter and I agree 💯. I’m bipolar & when I’m not feeling well, I don’t have a lot of Fs to give. I’m over 45, and I have less of a filter than I did at 30. The days I don’t feel well are much worse. I don’t have the cognitive energy to think before I speak.
@@DarkbutNotsinister same I have liver disease and I am tired and it effects my mental health and memory so yes this is a true statement about mental decay but it may also be a sign of a physical health condition and the people who are predictors know this and attack also very complex issues here that go deeper than just communication.
Also not having a filter can also mean that you don’t filter the things people do or say to you. Also a sign of mental decay and makes you a target for people like this office manager.
Last week I used one of your techniques that I hadn't used before. I had to have a challenging conversation with a coworker. So I stated, "This is embarrassing, but I need to tell you something." Then I explained why it was my problem, but that I needed her help. I stated her exact behavior that was bothersome, and what I needed from her. I asked her if she would be willing to accommodate me, and she mostly did. She wasn't upset at all. I wanna give you a big hug for teaching me so much 🤗
I was in a hostile work environment with Psycho Boss. She slammed things around and screamed at her employees for dumb things. Several cried and quit on the spot. She did this on the sales floor in front of customers. I told her they were watching, to shut up, but she kept it up. Eventually, customers complained and she got fired. When she would go off on me, I mustered up a concerned voice and said: You seem really stressed out today. Is there something I can do to help you? Then she would give me a story about how her bosses put her under pressure. Then she would stop her screaming and be nice to me. It worked every time. I know it was manipulation. I felt guilty about it, but it was self preservation to stop the verbal assault.
Giving credit where it’s due… You showed empathy and you came from a place of not taking her behavior personally. Kudos 🎉. These are huge assets most people don’t possess nor could ever carry out. I don’t view your behavior as manipulative. Compassionate. Good for you being your best self. (P.S. I say this as a retired psychotherapist.)
As someone who suffers from “See it, say it disease,” and who grew up in a house full of communicators whose style was screaming and yelling, I know that I don’t always says things as pleasantly as I might. I always appreciate someone letting me know I was offensive in some way, but especially so if they do it privately and with kindness. 🌸🌷🌺
Such my story. Yelling, cussing, & rudeness is just how we talk....then I got a job and learned professionalism. Now I speak nicely at work and like a jerk in whispered self talk when in private...sometimes public. I try to make sure it's far enough away from others it's clear I'm "having a moment"
I grew up with screaming and yelling too alcoholics both parents I was terrible and I'm very blunt I don't like beating around the bush and I have to learn how to be kinder in the way I say things to people definitely
I admire jacqueline yorke. When i was bullied and excluded at work by one HORRIBLE woman, not one single bystander intervened to make me feel included.
Susan! You just made me realize what I SHOULD have added. I'm ashamed I didn't see it. You're absolutely right. I'm going to add to the answer. Thank you for helping me see that--I appreciate it, and I appreciate you taking the time to watch and comment in such a thoughtful manner. You just blessed me and others...way to go. 💐🌻💮
Bystanders absolutely should not let bullying go unchallenged. I'm a nurse and have been both witness and target of bullying. If you say nothing, you condone the behaviour. One technique I learned was to 'name the behaviour' e.g. 'X..You are yelling at Y in front of staff and patients. Please stop'
Bullying has been shown to be harmful to both target and bystanders.... 💔 In healthcare, there's a whole movement to address bad behaviour because it's better for patients, too www.civilitysaveslives.com/
you know, I get asked often wether I am in a same sex or any relationship, next time I will also say "I am in a trinity-relationship with me, my maker and everyone else on this planet", I love it.
@@TheWizardOfWords Why does this person care what picture is in the background? They must have been mistaking this channel for an interior decorating video. Oops!! 😉👍❤
I love how Dan answered the question “Is he in a same sex relationship?” He can always find a way to say “ Mind your business” in a loving way. Great job Dan 😂🤣🥰
I wish that I could come up with just as good a response to the same people who repeatedly ask me "Have you lost "more" weight?" I'm a hairstylist, so these people are mostly my clients. It makes me so uncomfortable, almost violated in a sense because I feel cornered to answer them.
@@ruthmorrow5696 whenever you get an uncomfortable question pause, tilt your head, smile, and say "why do you ask?" This usually elicits an apology. Then change the subject!
I agree with you about probably staying out of this. I am the type of person that dislikes injustice so I naturally want to jump in when I see someone being mistreated and I have done that in the past and it usually doesn’t work out well. In fact, it can completely backfire and now I am the target of the nasty coworker and the person I took up for now has a friendly relationship with this person. So, this person I took up for has no interest in showing me the empathy I showed them. In fact, I take the “stay out of it” approach at work when it comes to offering up any kind of assistance. If someone wants help and they ask me for help, I am glad to assist, but I don’t offer it until I am asked. I have found that unsolicited help is usually not appreciated. I have no desire to share myself or my knowledge with people that don’t want it.
A lot of people being bullied at work might be afraid to speak up and lose their job. You spoke of disabled people, there are a lot of people emotionally "disabled" who need someone to intervene on their behalf, but because they are not in a wheelchair it is invisible (the disability to handle these kinds of situations. Having said that, the advice you gave to walk out and how to answer the boss if she asks about it - is fantastic!
OMG!! I went to therapy to try to understand how some people just don’t like me when I’m in a group and how to handle the passive aggressive & aggressive behaviors that have sideswiped me all my life. I have really kind people in my life, yet I have always had some people in my social groups that I don’t know- usually people who know people I know, that just don’t like me and start to be abusive & it’s always just boggled my mind. I couldn’t put my finger on it, because it just was senseless to me. I’m neurodivergent, so I don’t at times understand the social cues- so, therapy really helped me tremendously.. talking with those who lead group therapy is so beneficial in understanding group behaviors. I was once told that that person who walks up to be abusive just doesn’t like that I’m confident and happy. I don’t want to not be confident & to be unhappy to not have a few people be rude to me, so I just realized some people will pick out who they don’t like because they just don’t like people that they don’t like. Listening to this- I had a huge AHA- I’m an eternal optimist & I just now realized some people just don’t like “Pollyanna” types of people who are optimists & they just don’t like the nice people in the room. Wow. Putting it like that helps me see exactly what’s been happening- There are people that roll their eyes at people that are kind. I believe the deeper issue in people who are so antisocial that they just don’t like kind people is imbedded in their own childhood & if you grow up to be so antisocial that you are hostile to kind people in a room, that such behavior is rooted in being abused by people who would pretend to be kind in public and abuse them behind closed doors. I think there is such an underlying pain in antisocial behavior, yet with that being said- I don’t feel compatible. I have realized I try to understand people who just don’t like me for no reason to help understand how bullies in my own childhood could have been just as cruel. When you are neurodivergent - you spend your life getting thrown out of nests so much you learn to fly very early. And I am starting to realize part of my “Pollyanna” personality is that I try to cheer up the grumpy people so miserable, to help them feel better. It’s very hard to have people that don’t like people that are kind in your life, because they will think you are disingenuous & project that you aren’t honest. It’s hard to process all these different personalities. It’s nice to know not everyone needs to love me or like me. Thank Heavens. Love this channel!! You are so great at explaining all of this.
I am happy to be walking this path with you, Rebecca, and it is SO IMPORTANT that you realize it's OK if some people don't like you. You are kind and loving and in the end--that is a winning combination for anyone WHO MATTERS to you.
That's very interesting. I was at work putting in my fingerprint to sign in and I heard a big blast going on between the general manager and a lead manager. I hurried up to leave. The manager says oh you don't have to hurry . I said "oh no, sounds like something private that I don't want to be responsible for if it gets around".
EXCELLENT EXCELLENT EXCELLENT CHOICE. Not only did you leave, you gave a great reason for leaving. I trust the two managers learned something from you.
THAT is the right answer in the above case also. After the incident is over, I would talk to the office manager. I would suggest that she let me know when she will be dealing with employees in the shared space. Or, suggest the two of you schedule times when you need to be out of the office. You can add, I feel uncomfortable during some of the conversations. If the manager's behavior is actionable, you have a duty to report it. Remember IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
I am sorry that someone asked about your personal life. How rude! It's nobody's business. I love your videos and they have helped encourage me in my work and family life. Thank you for your wisdom and all of the hard work you put in to making this a better world.
Sonny, I think I missed that post. Maybe it was deleted. I know I don't delete anyone, so the writer must have done so. Having said that--my life is an open book and I would invite anyone who wishes to read it :) Seriously.
Hello from Fargo, North Dakota and Guadalajara, Mexico. And please look for more videos coming soon. Also, thank you for saying Hello and you're welcome for any advice I have given you that you've found helpful. Dan
I love your advice on how to respond to someone who brings up a subject that you don't wish to discuss with them. Having different views and trying to get the other person to see your view can be very harmful and hurtful to the relationship.
This is so true. Also if you're dealing with a narcissist it's kind of pointless to explain anything to them because they already have a preconceived notion in their mind about you or the situation in general.
@@TheWizardOfWords Words, can make or break someone's world. Your wise words are like diamonds in a coal mine. I am so happy your wisdom is in this world. As people like you make us all realise there is a better way, thank you forever.
Dan you are a gift to the world! we must protect you at all costs. Your training has thought me so much on how to be better in my reactions and respones.
I love you Dan. ❤I feel close. I appreciate your quick response to a challenging communication. It was revealed they were bullies. I left that job. The verbal became physical. Entrapping in a room and verbally attack me. 2 time I left.
Found your channel, a few years too late in regards to dealing with a toxic boss but, I always enjoy learning new skills. I appreciate your comments about (21:43) when the filter is removed... I considered "is this me?" ... some personal trauma plus 4 years of isolation (2 years of 24/7 elder care and passing, then the pandemic shutdown) and I have come to the conclusion ... Yeah NO, I just no longer give 2 ducks (oophs Canadian autocorrect) about what people think or their opinions... in certain circumstances trauma can be not only life changing but liberating. Still Canadian and retain my ingrained politeness, but really don't seek popular opinion or am I concerned about other people to the extent I previously was. Learned a very valuable lesson, ALL people have flaws... but you can choose to love them/appreciate them for who they are, and choose to accept the interaction in your life. I realize this was a lesson my sister was teaching me as well (she passed away, young) she always signed off Love & Warts, which meant Love you warts and all. The things you learn ...then finally acknowledge as truth later in life. Thanks so much for your insight and guidance in workplace interpersonal communication. Just to add a phase I learned on the job at a call center ..."Other than this issue (specify) was there anything else that I could help you with? NO, then I consider this matter ...(closed, resolved, discussed fully ....whichever applies). It works when shutting down a unending "but why, but why" time wasting conversation/gossip. Once again love your videos, C
An uncle of mine who used to own a recording studio once told me he had this situation with some clients. He just couldn't work with them so in a very kind way he explained that He had nothing personal against them their personalities just weren't jiveing. His way of suggesting they find a studio with someone they could work and communicate in the same way.
I think you are delightful, and I wish that I had a question for you. You are so right on about the last question of telling someone I cant stand you and you’re phoney. You are neither. Some people are just miserable and there’s nothing you can do about it. You literally make me laugh out loud so much. Oh, and I’ve learned a lot about communication from you, thank you.
Dan, I appreciate your videos. Thank you for helping us become better communicators. I am amazed that a few tweaks in our words, tone and body language can tremendously impact the outcome of our interactions with others. I'd also greatly appreciate if you did a video on phrases to use when your manager uses the danger phrases in speaking to you. Such as "What did you say?" "Why would you do that?" "You're always nosey." "You should..." Etc. Or when they maliciously gossip about people I don't even know, never even heard of. Or instead of speaking with me directly about a mistake I made, they log the situation in our computer system that can be seen by supervisors and corporate. I may not see these notations for days, weeks or even months later. I've already asked them to come to me directly but so much time has passed since we had that conversation.
Jessica, a lot to unpack here. You've outlined several situations and here is my suggestion for you. Go to my channel and put in search words relating to each situation. For example, put in "gossip," or "office gossips" and that should bring up a couple on that topic. I also have several that would be helpful for addressing your boss and asking him/her to speak to you before logging an error in the computer. (The desc or the hamburger might be helpful--so put in "desc script" and "the hamburger" into search. Those might help you with a couple situations. My videos are designed to be helpful, but they don't tell the entire story. If you want to truly address all the things that seem to be problems for you at work, I would suggest going to danoconnortraining.com and checking out my Step out of the Shadows and Speak program. If it looks like something that could help, email jean@danoconnortaining.com and tell her I said to prepare a half-off invoice for you. Dan
Dearest Dan, I love your fabulous content! So uplifting and inspiring. Thank you so much for helping to keep us on the right track of dignity, respect and love! You are a true gem!
9:01 As a non-native English speaker I have to say that Ihad to listen to this part many times to be able to get all the words. I love the way you said that.😁💖 Can't thank you enough for this channel 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for your complete answer to question 1 - which took into account varied perspectives. It would also be interesting to know if the person would be uncomfortable with the communication if the office manager were male. Often a woman is judged as hostile and harsh for the same tone and words that a man might use without judgement.
Thank you Dan for your wonderful wisdom filled post! I really can’t use any of this. My boss treats everyone like crap. Actually horrible. She won’t treat me like that because she knows I won’t stand for it. I have been with this company for 12 years! My boss 4 years. She depends on me greatly so I can blast her in a clear logical non threatening sense. I can get away with this. I have threatened her with quitting because of her unfair behaviour before. I shouldn’t though. It’s the only way she knows how to communicate. She is a narcissist.
I love your videos, they have been very helpful to me when it comes to my communication skills and my relationship with my in-laws and extended family. Thank you
This is so helpful --- definitely have been in the situation with the manager speaking harshly to others. We agreed that I would take a bathroom break when I feel uncomfortable. Eventually, manager was moved into a private office which solved the problem for me completely.
I think it’s great that the question was asked because it shows that the one asking has a lot of empathy and love for others. I myself was bullied 2 times in my life and it wasn’t helpful at all that co-workers didn’t care or looked away. It didn’t bring me up flying. What helped were co-workers who strengthened me („it‘s absolutely not okay how he treats you, I cannot understand it but I can’t do anything, unfortunately “) as it helped me to get the strength to apply for another job with a manager who was the best and therefore made me get my wings. But otherwise, thank you so much for your great advice and your helpful and funny videos ❤🍀🙏
Well then, Helicopterway, check out danoconnortraining.com and you'll REALLY get a jolt of energy from the courses/programs you'll find there. And if you find one and want a good deal--write jean@danoconnortraining.com and she'll help you out. :)
I love your answer to question 2. I am attractive but if that is what people care about they don't see or care about my depth, my character or anything that defines me and further more it makes them shallow and boring.
If you are witnessing mistreatment to an employee by a supervisor, your best option is to go to HR. Do NOT go above your boss! Really bad idea. It's not your place to confront them, especially in the heat of the moment. No matter where you work, there are 2 departments you want to get along well with. The first one is HR. They do a lot for you, like maintaining your records, help sign you up for benefits and, of course all other personnel matters. The second department to get along with is Risk Management. They are your company's internal insurance department, and responsible for maintaining a safe workplace. And they are the most powerful department in the company, trumping even the CEO! Remember, there's no such thing as free speech in the workplace, you're gonna tow the party line. And that's why this show is great! We can learn some great ways to get the message across and still be employed in the morning!
I would avoid HR at all costs. HR works for the company, not you. Only in the case of actual abuse (as opposed to the common workplace problems you experience) would I go to HR, do document that I had made a formal complaint--before I go to an attorney. And I would never go over the head of my boss. The person to whom you're going probably hired your boss--and won't listen to you. And third--if you are witnessing a boss mistreat an employee, decide whether this impacts YOU. If it does, speak to the employee directly. If it does not, why would you be involving yourself? This is your office, not your home; there is a world of difference in re what action you would take.
I thought that didn’t happen in modern society until I was faced with a moral situation. My boss called someone out for being on drugs and it could have jeopardized their job. I had some insight into this person and knew they were not on drugs and that it was mental illness. I confronted this person and told them hey this was said about you be honest with me is that true? because I am going to come out and say it, I don’t believe it’s true. If what my boss said is not true, I am your advocate and I am aware that it might cost me my job. It was in fact not true and sadly it ended up costing me my job, but that person kept theirs (thankfully works in a different department than my boss so didn’t have to work under them) I no longer had to work for someone who was immoral so it was a win for me. Peace and love to you Dan! I am really grateful and I appreciate you.
You do important work, Dan. Better communication skills are changing the world- even though it might not seem fast enough these days. It’s really happening in schools starting from kindergarten teachers saying, “Use your words”.
People sometimes don’t like me for being too nice and positive, also because I truly care about people. I love working as a team and helping others. I think this behavior irritates their demons, but it’s hard not to be myself. Any suggestions? What do you think I should do?
Just wondering if you’re a people pleaser and therefore too nice and genuinely caring for people to the point of being taken advantage? I was like this before , I was everyone’s rescuer and helper until I got tired and worked on my trauma.
Honestly it doesn't matter if you try to be perfect and caring to everyone people will always find something wrong with you if they're looking for it so just work on yourself and ignore people who don't understand you or only want to criticize you and just be happy with yourself because at the end of the day it really doesn't matter what they think
My guess is you being nicer to others, is making them feel inadequate(?) However it might be concern, that you might be acting like a doormat to others or customers. Either way it is up to you to assess or take advice from these people.
I've constantly been told I'm too nice and I think MsManager was correct, at least in my situation. I do enjoy helping people. I would imagine most normal people do but I was going way overboard and ending up feeling resentful because I felt so taken advantage of....all trauma based. I'll be 56 next week and it still baffles me in certain situations how people just say no or do exactly what they want. But, I hope to both get there (learning to say no) while maintaining my niceness 😊
I like how you answered that about relationships it's really none of anybody's business how we relate and I'd like how you handle that would still being polite and and you know just being easy to work with and I like that you obviously are natural at human Human Relationships as far as whether workplace or you know how to present yourself in a non-threatening manner to people
You have a gift no doubt. Great info & love your energy. But I do question though, why should someone feel obligated to have to say anything with love if they don’t want to, or, if the listener truly doesn’t deserve it? For I for one, spent most of my life being ignored, disrespected and invalidated. But now I’ve found my voice, I have zero tolerance for people that are like that, and in fact, I enjoy knee-capping them so to speak. For many people are just down right a holes. So I do not feel people should have to bend over backwards to be nice to all.
In-Justice, how you've been treated is on those who treated you that way. How you behave is on you. Never in a million years am I suggesting that you be less than you can be or that you be intimidated or subservient or--you know what I am saying. What I do suggest is that for your own sake you be the most loving light to the world that you can possibly be. It is not about the other person; it is totally about YOU.
I am in relatip with myself too and it's evolving and that changrs the relationships i form /maintain. Yeh, im paraphrasing what you said but yeh, i really like that. Strangers will accept you where you're at.
When I get the feeling that someone is an idiot, rude, irritating I examine what has created my reaction/feeling and find that I can fully and authentically communicate that. It’s not about them.
Thanks, Dan. I feel weird: One of my expertise is Behavior Management of Children. But I feel like I suck big time in dealing with the general Grown-up with issues. Therefore I am growing my communication comfort by watching and practicing what I learn from you videos. I have it in my "treat yourself" budget this month to buy one or 2 of your publications: what do i choose first?
And, I was once physically assaulted by a “superior” and two other “superiors” saw him t and scurried away so fast it blew my mind. I think they also “thought there was something they didn’t know”. Turning a blind eye is WRONG 😑
You spotlight this person by saying: Are you trying to put me down? Or are you trying to embarrass me? If they say "No" you can say you are relieved--and then move along. If they say "yes" you simply ask them to refrain from that type of unenlightened behavior. And then walk away--permanently.
A hostile manager using negative emotions is most likely not emotionally intelligent enough to be approached or educated. Document and get a great employment attorney.
Great channel! and much needed help especially at work, we all run in to conflict communications, as are coworkers are not are freinds, I like listening to your input I love hearing different points of veiw. I subscribed and gave thumbs up thank you for sharing your wisdom. Laura in uk
I love your videos, Dan. I have become uncomfortable expressing my opinions to others because sometimes people react with offense to my sharing my perspective/suggestions in an attempt to help. For the office manager example, why not just simply tell the offending party that you’d prefer to not be present during their meetings with others? Why not ask them to schedule the interactions or reserve a time period where you can make yourself scarce? If you tell them your opinion about how they speak to others, I feel like it opens you up to their defensiveness or becoming their next target.
I agree; if the manager is indeed dismissing the people and feels it’s her right, she might just say to you “well, if you don’t like it, you can leave the room.“ In that case, she’s putting the onus on you to deal with your own “sensitivities“.
Re Q#1. Right from the start, sharing an office with a manager, your manager, is unprofessional and a very bad management decision that can only lead to a toxic workplace. I feel for this woman and am wondering if the topic of the uncomfortable conversation should be about her being given a more neutral space to work in. Until that issue is addressed perhaps she could get up and remove herself from what should be a private conversation. If asked why she left, she could respond simply by saying she felt that it wasn’t appropriate for her to be privy to that type of conversation and that it made her uncomfortable. It could open the door to asking for a space to work other than the manager’s office. Maybe even start to look for another job. I feel bad for everyone who works for this manager as I’ve had several that were hell on earth. I’m loving your channel and thank you for teaching us how to navigate life by having better communication skills. ❤
This question isn't specific to this video, but when you use the term 'tactical communication' is that an expression used in communication training circles or a way you've personally found to describe the type of education you do? I haven't found much about it, and watching your videos got me wondering if anyone else is doing this.
It's a term I developed to describe what I do. It is specific to me and my approach. I don't theorize unless I have a specific reason to do so. I try to give you actual words and scripts that are practical and can be used immediately. In other words, I teach tactics for communicating efficiently and successfully and mindfully.
Just want to say I LOVE your content. Also in response to the idea of coming to the verbally abused co-worker instead of the abusive boss is great. I just can't help but wonder if asking someone "why do you let so-and-so treat you this way" might spark some resentment between you and your coworker rather than help resolve the issue. If someone personally asked me that question, I would have to assume they were indirectly calling me weak or incapable of communicating my own feelings. I feel like there's probably a more delicate way to phrase it and maybe that's simply my own ego speaking up on that topic. I'm also only 6 minutes into the video so I apologize if I missed something connecting that idea!
I have to interact with a married couple that support each other’s offensive communication behavior by starting the conversations by pointing out a flaw in me or a situation where they have been wronged by me! They call out a situation that may not have happened or modify it to make them look better ! Here’s an example, they start by saying “when are you returning the book you borrowed last year?” When in fact I didn’t borrow a book from them but am put in a position to respond by defending myself from the get go! It’s maddening to be confronted by a two headed monster that insists on beginning every interaction with being offensive! I’ve chosen to not respond verbally but physically by raising an eyebrow and turning my back to them!
If these are family events, I'd recommend that you say to them exactly what you told me--and THEN walk away. For example "As long as you insist on beginning every interaction with offensive comments aimed at me, I'm ending the interaction." Then walk away. I see this as a tad better than what you are doing now because it is clear and direct.
Question: A lot of people I'm not even that close to go on and on about something that happened to some random celebrity, about their neighbors dog, why they hate green beans, etc. etc. How can I get away from people that talk excessively while still being polite?
Not sure if this applies, but I had a girl "friend" try to tell me a story in a bragging way about how "proud of her friend" she was for being "brave enough to speak with her about how they didnt like my energy" when I had met them and then continued with giving herself a lot of credit for having such a strong relationship with that person and declaring how honored she felt that he felt comfortable enough speaking with her about his "uncomfortable experience" when meeting me ... I may have rambled a lot due to being nervous meeting the man and his partner, but I did nothing other than be kind to all of them. Nothing happened to warrant her saying this to me, other than her attempting to cut down my already low self-esteem at that time. It was incredibly rude and manipulative of her. I felt so terrible and her tactics worked at that time. Luckily, although it took too many yrs to see it, I eventually came to terms with the fact that she was attempting with all her might to eventually sabotage me and my then longterm relationship with my now ex-fiance. I count my blessings for the lessons I've now learned from that time period.
@Shari Wiltshire yes, but he said it in such a delightful funny way. I just love this channel. He is doing god's work. Caused me to have so much less pain at work and i now can work with all kinds if character and keep my sanity. Did i mention i just love dan?
@Shari Wiltshire I really wished that he had just said that. I live in San Francisco where the question may not necessarily be confrontational. A lot of times it is just a way people want to get to know their co-workers.
Hi Dan. I love your advice. Can you share some advice on how to stop interrupting people. It’s not that I do it on purpose but I can’t seem to help it. I know your outlook on it will help me to remember not to do it.
That is a common symptom of ADHD and similar issues. Ask yourself if you are really listening to them and having a conversation or if you are just waiting for your turn to speak. That helps me.
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"That's a very fancy name!" Dan, love your sincere little quips!
"Not having a filter is a sign of mental decay." Freaking gold. Helps me smile and move along at those people who are rude and very proud of how "blunt and honest" they think they are. 😊
"I am just being honest" is a danger phrase, because it generally masks a rude comment that needn't be made in the first place.
I have no filter and I agree 💯. I’m bipolar & when I’m not feeling well, I don’t have a lot of Fs to give. I’m over 45, and I have less of a filter than I did at 30. The days I don’t feel well are much worse. I don’t have the cognitive energy to think before I speak.
@@DarkbutNotsinister that sounds difficult, I hope you have more good days than bad
@@DarkbutNotsinister same I have liver disease and I am tired and it effects my mental health and memory so yes this is a true statement about mental decay but it may also be a sign of a physical health condition and the people who are predictors know this and attack also very complex issues here that go deeper than just communication.
Also not having a filter can also mean that you don’t filter the things people do or say to you. Also a sign of mental decay and makes you a target for people like this office manager.
Last week I used one of your techniques that I hadn't used before. I had to have a challenging conversation with a coworker. So I stated, "This is embarrassing, but I need to tell you something." Then I explained why it was my problem, but that I needed her help. I stated her exact behavior that was bothersome, and what I needed from her. I asked her if she would be willing to accommodate me, and she mostly did. She wasn't upset at all. I wanna give you a big hug for teaching me so much 🤗
Jessica, thank you for that affirming response. You made my morning!
Dan
Amazing what happens when blaming others is put to a full stop and owning our own reactions 100% is practiced.
Dan - you are a light in the world! You remind us that good communication can elevate and bring dignity to all aspects of life. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words. I hope we're all changing the global dialogue one conversation at a time. Whatever we say, we can say it mindfully.
I was in a hostile work environment with Psycho Boss. She slammed things around and screamed at her employees for dumb things. Several cried and quit on the spot. She did this on the sales floor in front of customers. I told her they were watching, to shut up, but she kept it up. Eventually, customers complained and she got fired. When she would go off on me, I mustered up a concerned voice and said: You seem really stressed out today. Is there something I can do to help you? Then she would give me a story about how her bosses put her under pressure. Then she would stop her screaming and be nice to me. It worked every time. I know it was manipulation. I felt guilty about it, but it was self preservation to stop the verbal assault.
Hi. Survival under duress. Totally necessary.
You were probably the only person or one of the few that bothered to ask how she was . . . Dont feel guilty
Giving credit where it’s due… You showed empathy and you came from a place of not taking her behavior personally. Kudos 🎉. These are huge assets most people don’t possess nor could ever carry out. I don’t view your behavior as manipulative. Compassionate.
Good for you being your best self. (P.S. I say this as a retired psychotherapist.)
@@ladeek35want to become unretired for a while? 🙂
I don’t see it as manipulative because she probably really felt stressed.
As someone who suffers from “See it, say it disease,” and who grew up in a house full of communicators whose style was screaming and yelling, I know that I don’t always says things as pleasantly as I might. I always appreciate someone letting me know I was offensive in some way, but especially so if they do it privately and with kindness. 🌸🌷🌺
I hear you DJW. Many of us grew up in such households.
Dan
Such my story. Yelling, cussing, & rudeness is just how we talk....then I got a job and learned professionalism. Now I speak nicely at work and like a jerk in whispered self talk when in private...sometimes public. I try to make sure it's far enough away from others it's clear I'm "having a moment"
@@SpaceCowboy42X 🤗🙃🌺
I grew up with screaming and yelling too alcoholics both parents I was terrible and I'm very blunt I don't like beating around the bush and I have to learn how to be kinder in the way I say things to people definitely
I also talked to myself a lot even at the supermarket I have to stop that
I admire jacqueline yorke. When i was bullied and excluded at work by one HORRIBLE woman, not one single bystander intervened to make me feel included.
Susan! You just made me realize what I SHOULD have added. I'm ashamed I didn't see it. You're absolutely right. I'm going to add to the answer. Thank you for helping me see that--I appreciate it, and I appreciate you taking the time to watch and comment in such a thoughtful manner. You just blessed me and others...way to go. 💐🌻💮
@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks Dan :-)
Bystanders absolutely should not let bullying go unchallenged. I'm a nurse and have been both witness and target of bullying. If you say nothing, you condone the behaviour. One technique I learned was to 'name the behaviour' e.g. 'X..You are yelling at Y in front of staff and patients. Please stop'
Bullying has been shown to be harmful to both target and bystanders.... 💔
In healthcare, there's a whole movement to address bad behaviour because it's better for patients, too
www.civilitysaveslives.com/
Wow did you have my same boss? I'm sorry that happened to you because I know exactly what that's like.
you know, I get asked often wether I am in a same sex or any relationship, next time I will also say "I am in a trinity-relationship with me, my maker and everyone else on this planet", I love it.
Yes, good answer.
OMG, why is anyone asking you that?
Is this in a pub trying to buy you drinks or at work?
That's awesome. I love it.
@@JustAskingForAFriendOfAFriend at work they use to ask me if i was a leabian
I would answer it with a question, “Hmm, interesting. Why are you asking me that?” Because…… It’s none of their f¥
"I'm in a relationship with myself."
Noticing his face plastered on the wall behind him. 😆
Funny you should mention that. I changed my background as I do from time to time and removed my faces. I've been feeling kind of lonely ever since :)
@@TheWizardOfWords 😂
@@TheWizardOfWords Why does this person care what picture is in the background? They must have been mistaking this channel for an interior decorating video. Oops!! 😉👍❤
I love how Dan answered the question “Is he in a same sex relationship?” He can always find a way to say “ Mind your business” in a loving way. Great job Dan 😂🤣🥰
Well thank you, Tara!
😂❤ luv it. People are so nosey.
I wish that I could come up with just as good a response to the same people who repeatedly ask me "Have you lost "more" weight?" I'm a hairstylist, so these people are mostly my clients. It makes me so uncomfortable, almost violated in a sense because I feel cornered to answer them.
@@ruthmorrow5696 whenever you get an uncomfortable question pause, tilt your head, smile, and say "why do you ask?" This usually elicits an apology. Then change the subject!
I agree with you about probably staying out of this. I am the type of person that dislikes injustice so I naturally want to jump in when I see someone being mistreated and I have done that in the past and it usually doesn’t work out well. In fact, it can completely backfire and now I am the target of the nasty coworker and the person I took up for now has a friendly relationship with this person. So, this person I took up for has no interest in showing me the empathy I showed them. In fact, I take the “stay out of it” approach at work when it comes to offering up any kind of assistance. If someone wants help and they ask me for help, I am glad to assist, but I don’t offer it until I am asked. I have found that unsolicited help is usually not appreciated. I have no desire to share myself or my knowledge with people that don’t want it.
A lot of people being bullied at work might be afraid to speak up and lose their job.
You spoke of disabled people, there are a lot of people emotionally "disabled" who need someone to intervene on their behalf, but because they are not in a wheelchair it is invisible (the disability to handle these kinds of situations.
Having said that, the advice you gave to walk out and how to answer the boss if she asks about it - is fantastic!
Thank you, Mr. Dan. You are a gracious, classy, gentleman. And extremely smart. I appreciate your guidance.
Many thanks Crazyluverbabe. I hope you feel free to like and share at will!
Dan
OMG!! I went to therapy to try to understand how some people just don’t like me when I’m in a group and how to handle the passive aggressive & aggressive behaviors that have sideswiped me all my life. I have really kind people in my life, yet I have always had some people in my social groups that I don’t know- usually people who know people I know, that just don’t like me and start to be abusive & it’s always just boggled my mind. I couldn’t put my finger on it, because it just was senseless to me. I’m neurodivergent, so I don’t at times understand the social cues- so, therapy really helped me tremendously.. talking with those who lead group therapy is so beneficial in understanding group behaviors. I was once told that that person who walks up to be abusive just doesn’t like that I’m confident and happy. I don’t want to not be confident & to be unhappy to not have a few people be rude to me, so I just realized some people will pick out who they don’t like because they just don’t like people that they don’t like. Listening to this- I had a huge AHA- I’m an eternal optimist & I just now realized some people just don’t like “Pollyanna” types of people who are optimists & they just don’t like the nice people in the room. Wow. Putting it like that helps me see exactly what’s been happening- There are people that roll their eyes at people that are kind. I believe the deeper issue in people who are so antisocial that they just don’t like kind people is imbedded in their own childhood & if you grow up to be so antisocial that you are hostile to kind people in a room, that such behavior is rooted in being abused by people who would pretend to be kind in public and abuse them behind closed doors. I think there is such an underlying pain in antisocial behavior, yet with that being said- I don’t feel compatible. I have realized I try to understand people who just don’t like me for no reason to help understand how bullies in my own childhood could have been just as cruel. When you are neurodivergent - you spend your life getting thrown out of nests so much you learn to fly very early. And I am starting to realize part of my “Pollyanna” personality is that I try to cheer up the grumpy people so miserable, to help them feel better. It’s very hard to have people that don’t like people that are kind in your life, because they will think you are disingenuous & project that you aren’t honest. It’s hard to process all these different personalities. It’s nice to know not everyone needs to love me or like me. Thank Heavens. Love this channel!! You are so great at explaining all of this.
I am happy to be walking this path with you, Rebecca, and it is SO IMPORTANT that you realize it's OK if some people don't like you. You are kind and loving and in the end--that is a winning combination for anyone WHO MATTERS to you.
I think sometimes people are just haters and sometimes the more haters you have they're probably just jealous or something
Wow this is my story to a tee
That's very interesting. I was at work putting in my fingerprint to sign in and I heard a big blast going on between the general manager and a lead manager. I hurried up to leave. The manager says oh you don't have to hurry . I said "oh no, sounds like something private that I don't want to be responsible for if it gets around".
EXCELLENT EXCELLENT EXCELLENT CHOICE. Not only did you leave, you gave a great reason for leaving. I trust the two managers learned something from you.
THAT is the right answer in the above case also. After the incident is over, I would talk to the office manager. I would suggest that she let me know when she will be dealing with employees in the shared space. Or, suggest the two of you schedule times when you need to be out of the office.
You can add, I feel uncomfortable during some of the conversations. If the manager's behavior is actionable, you have a duty to report it.
Remember IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
Very wise answer.
I absolutely adore your humanity trying to do your best to help people transform their workplaces
Thanks, Juanita. It's an uphill task that will take all of us--right?
I am sorry that someone asked about your personal life. How rude! It's nobody's business. I love your videos and they have helped encourage me in my work and family life. Thank you for your wisdom and all of the hard work you put in to making this a better world.
Sonny, I think I missed that post. Maybe it was deleted. I know I don't delete anyone, so the writer must have done so. Having said that--my life is an open book and I would invite anyone who wishes to read it :) Seriously.
I could listen to you for hours and hours brother.
Thank you for the advice!
Hello from Chile 👋🏼
Hello from Fargo, North Dakota and Guadalajara, Mexico. And please look for more videos coming soon. Also, thank you for saying Hello and you're welcome for any advice I have given you that you've found helpful.
Dan
Dan, you're a gem. Thank you for the content
Thanks The Humble; you are welcome!
So happy I came across this channel I need to work on my communications skills :-) Thank you.
I love your advice on how to respond to someone who brings up a subject that you don't wish to discuss with them. Having different views and trying to get the other person to see your view can be very harmful and hurtful to the relationship.
This is so true. Also if you're dealing with a narcissist it's kind of pointless to explain anything to them because they already have a preconceived notion in their mind about you or the situation in general.
Thanks!
Many thanks, Susan. I apologize that I didn't see this sooner and thank you!
I could watch and listen to you all day, so helpful and so tactful! Luv it
Feel free, Shirley. That's why I make these videos :)
I’m so glad I discovered you! You are so insightful, funny and helpful. You are changing my life.
Dan- you are a master communicator, many thanks for helping us find the verbal light switch!
Thanks, lrk. Happy to have turned it on--the light switch, i.e.
@@TheWizardOfWords Words, can make or break someone's world. Your wise words are like diamonds in a coal mine. I am so happy your wisdom is in this world. As people like you make us all realise there is a better way, thank you forever.
Dan you are a gift to the world! we must protect you at all costs. Your training has thought me so much on how to be better in my reactions and respones.
😂☺😇
I love you Dan. ❤I feel close. I appreciate your quick response to a challenging communication. It was revealed they were bullies. I left that job. The verbal became physical. Entrapping in a room and verbally attack me. 2 time I left.
Where have you been all my life? You're brilliant!
Found your channel, a few years too late in regards to dealing with a toxic boss but, I always enjoy learning new skills. I appreciate your comments about (21:43) when the filter is removed... I considered "is this me?" ... some personal trauma plus 4 years of isolation (2 years of 24/7 elder care and passing, then the pandemic shutdown) and I have come to the conclusion ... Yeah NO, I just no longer give 2 ducks (oophs Canadian autocorrect) about what people think or their opinions... in certain circumstances trauma can be not only life changing but liberating. Still Canadian and retain my ingrained politeness, but really don't seek popular opinion or am I concerned about other people to the extent I previously was. Learned a very valuable lesson, ALL people have flaws... but you can choose to love them/appreciate them for who they are, and choose to accept the interaction in your life. I realize this was a lesson my sister was teaching me as well (she passed away, young) she always signed off Love & Warts, which meant Love you warts and all. The things you learn ...then finally acknowledge as truth later in life. Thanks so much for your insight and guidance in workplace interpersonal communication. Just to add a phase I learned on the job at a call center ..."Other than this issue (specify) was there anything else that I could help you with? NO, then I consider this matter ...(closed, resolved, discussed fully ....whichever applies). It works when shutting down a unending "but why, but why" time wasting conversation/gossip. Once again love your videos, C
An uncle of mine who used to own a recording studio once told me he had this situation with some clients. He just couldn't work with them so in a very kind way he explained that He had nothing personal against them their personalities just weren't jiveing. His way of suggesting they find a studio with someone they could work and communicate in the same way.
Cool :)
Stumbled onto your video completely by accident,
My compliments to your extremely sane advice.
I hope you stick around for more, Kyle.
I think you are delightful, and I wish that I had a question for you. You are so right on about the last question of telling someone I cant stand you and you’re phoney. You are neither. Some people are just miserable and there’s nothing you can do about it. You literally make me laugh out loud so much. Oh, and I’ve learned a lot about communication from you, thank you.
Thank yu so much Joanne :)
Dan, I appreciate your videos. Thank you for helping us become better communicators. I am amazed that a few tweaks in our words, tone and body language can tremendously impact the outcome of our interactions with others. I'd also greatly appreciate if you did a video on phrases to use when your manager uses the danger phrases in speaking to you. Such as "What did you say?" "Why would you do that?" "You're always nosey." "You should..." Etc. Or when they maliciously gossip about people I don't even know, never even heard of. Or instead of speaking with me directly about a mistake I made, they log the situation in our computer system that can be seen by supervisors and corporate. I may not see these notations for days, weeks or even months later. I've already asked them to come to me directly but so much time has passed since we had that conversation.
Jessica, a lot to unpack here. You've outlined several situations and here is my suggestion for you. Go to my channel and put in search words relating to each situation. For example, put in "gossip," or "office gossips" and that should bring up a couple on that topic. I also have several that would be helpful for addressing your boss and asking him/her to speak to you before logging an error in the computer. (The desc or the hamburger might be helpful--so put in "desc script" and "the hamburger" into search. Those might help you with a couple situations. My videos are designed to be helpful, but they don't tell the entire story. If you want to truly address all the things that seem to be problems for you at work, I would suggest going to danoconnortraining.com and checking out my Step out of the Shadows and Speak program. If it looks like something that could help, email jean@danoconnortaining.com and tell her I said to prepare a half-off invoice for you.
Dan
Dearest Dan, I love your fabulous content! So uplifting and inspiring. Thank you so much for helping to keep us on the right track of dignity, respect and love! You are a true gem!
Thank you Star Gazer. Together we'll change the global dialogue one conversation at a time.
9:01 As a non-native English speaker I have to say that Ihad to listen to this part many times to be able to get all the words. I love the way you said that.😁💖 Can't thank you enough for this channel 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for your complete answer to question 1 - which took into account varied perspectives. It would also be interesting to know if the person would be uncomfortable with the communication if the office manager were male. Often a woman is judged as hostile and harsh for the same tone and words that a man might use without judgement.
I hear you, Barbara, and have several videos out covering a woman navigating in a man's world. I wish it were not so--but it is :)
I just found your channel and I love it. You are so incredibly helpful.
I'm so glad we've found each other, Kellie.
As relevant in these ongoing strange times, as when you first shared this wisdom. Thank you, Dan.
Thanks for this opportunity to gain some skillful strategies in communicating with those less informed. 😉👍❤
My pleasure!
Big fan of your work Dan. Keep on changing the conversation. :)
Thank you Dan for your wonderful wisdom filled post! I really can’t use any of this. My boss treats everyone like crap. Actually horrible. She won’t treat me like that because she knows I won’t stand for it. I have been with this company for 12 years! My boss 4 years. She depends on me greatly so I can blast her in a clear logical non threatening sense. I can get away with this. I have threatened her with quitting because of her unfair behaviour before. I shouldn’t though. It’s the only way she knows how to communicate. She is a narcissist.
I love your videos, they have been very helpful to me when it comes to my communication skills and my relationship with my in-laws and extended family. Thank you
di D you are more than welcome!
You are so fun to watch and always lift my mood by making me laugh
This is so helpful --- definitely have been in the situation with the manager speaking harshly to others. We agreed that I would take a bathroom break when I feel uncomfortable. Eventually, manager was moved into a private office which solved the problem for me completely.
So happy for you!
I think it’s great that the question was asked because it shows that the one asking has a lot of empathy and love for others.
I myself was bullied 2 times in my life and it wasn’t helpful at all that co-workers didn’t care or looked away. It didn’t bring me up flying.
What helped were co-workers who strengthened me („it‘s absolutely not okay how he treats you, I cannot understand it but I can’t do anything, unfortunately “) as it helped me to get the strength to apply for another job with a manager who was the best and therefore made me get my wings.
But otherwise, thank you so much for your great advice and your helpful and funny videos ❤🍀🙏
You are doing God's work. Thank You. ❤️🙏💞
Dan, your videos are an amazing resource. Thanks so much for what you do.
The light came on, thank you. More we watch you sir, the more energy we get. A kiss for your respectives💋
Well then, Helicopterway, check out danoconnortraining.com and you'll REALLY get a jolt of energy from the courses/programs you'll find there. And if you find one and want a good deal--write jean@danoconnortraining.com and she'll help you out. :)
Brilliant!
I know why I love you because you help me be a better person
Thanks, Cora :)
You’re wisdom makes me smarter, I appreciate the guidance once again sir 👍🏼
Why are you saying 'you're' 😢?
I love your answer to question 2. I am attractive but if that is what people care about they don't see or care about my depth, my character or anything that defines me and further more it makes them shallow and boring.
Yes :)
If you are witnessing mistreatment to an employee by a supervisor, your best option is to go to HR. Do NOT go above your boss! Really bad idea. It's not your place to confront them, especially in the heat of the moment.
No matter where you work, there are 2 departments you want to get along well with. The first one is HR. They do a lot for you, like maintaining your records, help sign you up for benefits and, of course all other personnel matters.
The second department to get along with is Risk Management.
They are your company's internal insurance department, and responsible for maintaining a safe workplace. And they are the most powerful department in the company, trumping even the CEO!
Remember, there's no such thing as free speech in the workplace, you're gonna tow the party line.
And that's why this show is great!
We can learn some great ways to get the message across and still be employed in the morning!
I would avoid HR at all costs. HR works for the company, not you. Only in the case of actual abuse (as opposed to the common workplace problems you experience) would I go to HR, do document that I had made a formal complaint--before I go to an attorney.
And I would never go over the head of my boss. The person to whom you're going probably hired your boss--and won't listen to you. And third--if you are witnessing a boss mistreat an employee, decide whether this impacts YOU. If it does, speak to the employee directly. If it does not, why would you be involving yourself? This is your office, not your home; there is a world of difference in re what action you would take.
So much wisdom in this video. This video format is easier on eyes and ears without those little sounds or music clips...Just my humble opinion
In re the sounds and music clips--you're not totally alone on that, CalmSK.
Thank you for all your honest advices. Please do make some videos for preteens or teenagers if it’s possible 😊
Give me some specific ideas, Za and I'll give it a go.
I thought that didn’t happen in modern society until I was faced with a moral situation. My boss called someone out for being on drugs and it could have jeopardized their job. I had some insight into this person and knew they were not on drugs and that it was mental illness. I confronted this person and told them hey this was said about you be honest with me is that true? because I am going to come out and say it, I don’t believe it’s true. If what my boss said is not true, I am your advocate and I am aware that it might cost me my job. It was in fact not true and sadly it ended up costing me my job, but that person kept theirs (thankfully works in a different department than my boss so didn’t have to work under them) I no longer had to work for someone who was immoral so it was a win for me. Peace and love to you Dan! I am really grateful and I appreciate you.
Thanks for your story, Sarah. You paid quite a price to stand up for your friend, but it sounds as though it was worth it.
You do important work, Dan. Better communication skills are changing the world- even though it might not seem fast enough these days. It’s really happening in schools starting from kindergarten teachers saying, “Use your words”.
You’re so funny, and you have excellent advice. I laugh every time I listen to your videos
Just so you're laughing with and not at me, you can laugh away!
I love your channel, your charisma, your energy, thank you for this information! Is so helpful and insipiring
You are very welcome, Penny.
People sometimes don’t like me for being too nice and positive, also because I truly care about people. I love working as a team and helping others. I think this behavior irritates their demons, but it’s hard not to be myself. Any suggestions? What do you think I should do?
Just wondering if you’re a people pleaser and therefore too nice and genuinely caring for people to the point of being taken advantage? I was like this before , I was everyone’s rescuer and helper until I got tired and worked on my trauma.
Honestly it doesn't matter if you try to be perfect and caring to everyone people will always find something wrong with you if they're looking for it so just work on yourself and ignore people who don't understand you or only want to criticize you and just be happy with yourself because at the end of the day it really doesn't matter what they think
My guess is you being nicer to others, is making them feel inadequate(?) However it might be concern, that you might be acting like a doormat to others or customers.
Either way it is up to you to assess or take advice from these people.
I've constantly been told I'm too nice and I think MsManager was correct, at least in my situation. I do enjoy helping people. I would imagine most normal people do but I was going way overboard and ending up feeling resentful because I felt so taken advantage of....all trauma based. I'll be 56 next week and it still baffles me in certain situations how people just say no or do exactly what they want. But, I hope to both get there (learning to say no) while maintaining my niceness 😊
Your audio sound a lot better ☺️
Yay, thank you! This is the dude who transformed my sound, everybody!🎙💐
...you are remarkable Dan, I think you must be genuine.
My god I hope so, Joni.
@@TheWizardOfWords and you got some mind of your own with the innovative editing....amazing how editing can drive a message home.
My gosh. Thank you. One day I shall sign up for your on line stuff. How to be kinder and have good boundaries. Very nice indeed.
Please check out my newest video "Who Am I?" It's all about who you or I want to be. :)
I like how you answered that about relationships it's really none of anybody's business how we relate and I'd like how you handle that would still being polite and and you know just being easy to work with and I like that you obviously are natural at human Human Relationships as far as whether workplace or you know how to present yourself in a non-threatening manner to people
Thanks, Stephanie. I spent many years in the workplace before becoming a Wizard of Words :)
Dan, I love your response to the question about your relationship!!
I just came across your podcast! Brilliant and thank you
This just happened on election day in my place of business on election day! It was awkward and could have been avoided. Thank you for your wisdom🙏
You have a gift no doubt. Great info & love your energy.
But I do question though, why should someone feel obligated to have to say anything with love if they don’t want to, or, if the listener truly doesn’t deserve it?
For I for one, spent most of my life being ignored, disrespected and invalidated. But now I’ve found my voice, I have zero tolerance for people that are like that, and in fact, I enjoy knee-capping them so to speak.
For many people are just down right a holes. So I do not feel people should have to bend over backwards to be nice to all.
In-Justice, how you've been treated is on those who treated you that way. How you behave is on you. Never in a million years am I suggesting that you be less than you can be or that you be intimidated or subservient or--you know what I am saying. What I do suggest is that for your own sake you be the most loving light to the world that you can possibly be. It is not about the other person; it is totally about YOU.
I agree with your beliefs about self RELATIONSHIP with self, maker, & others.... love
Thanks very much for this video. I am loving your teaching..and your style. Love and peace to you from Ontario Canada 💕
Thanks AmberK--from Saint Paul, MN and Ajijic, MX.
I am in relatip with myself too and it's evolving and that changrs the relationships i form /maintain. Yeh, im paraphrasing what you said but yeh, i really like that. Strangers will accept you where you're at.
I love how you describe your relationship with them people on the planet your partner yourself and and the and your maker
you are seriously kind, thank you.
When I get the feeling that someone is an idiot, rude, irritating I examine what has created my reaction/feeling and find that I can fully and authentically communicate that. It’s not about them.
Thanks, Dan.
I feel weird: One of my expertise is Behavior Management of Children. But I feel like I suck big time in dealing with the general Grown-up with issues. Therefore I am growing my
communication comfort by watching and practicing what I learn from you videos.
I have it in my "treat yourself" budget this month to buy one or 2 of your publications: what do i choose first?
I'd suggest going to Amazon and buying "Say This Not That" and check the author because there are a couple people who use the same title :)
I think that I would write it down in my Journal in the event that it escalates into an HR issue. Date, time, what happened.
Absolutely a great idea to take notes about anything that might become a question later on--
You nailed that Relationship Q! 🙌🏽
:)
And, I was once physically assaulted by a “superior” and two other “superiors” saw him t and scurried away so fast it blew my mind. I think they also “thought there was something they didn’t know”. Turning a blind eye is WRONG 😑
In my view, turning a blind eye makes you complicit.
You are amazing and a class act. Learning so much, thanks much. Blessings.
Dan you're very skilled!
Love watching your videos . how do you , responsibly , handle someone at work who constantly is trying to find a way to put you down ?
You spotlight this person by saying: Are you trying to put me down? Or are you trying to embarrass me? If they say "No" you can say you are relieved--and then move along. If they say "yes" you simply ask them to refrain from that type of unenlightened behavior. And then walk away--permanently.
ive got to learn how to set better boundaries. seems ive been a target for bullies lately. thank you !
A hostile manager using negative emotions is most likely not emotionally intelligent enough to be approached or educated.
Document and get a great employment attorney.
Agree
No need to comfort them
It don’t work
Great channel! and much needed help especially at work, we all run in to conflict communications, as are coworkers are not are freinds, I like listening to your input I love hearing different points of veiw. I subscribed and gave thumbs up thank you for sharing your wisdom. Laura in uk
Thank you so much Laura in UK. And greetings from Guadalajara, MX.
Dan, you are good. Wise advice. Well said.
Many thanks, Donna.
Dan
This is amazing and helpful!
I love your videos, Dan. I have become uncomfortable expressing my opinions to others because sometimes people react with offense to my sharing my perspective/suggestions in an attempt to help. For the office manager example, why not just simply tell the offending party that you’d prefer to not be present during their meetings with others? Why not ask them to schedule the interactions or reserve a time period where you can make yourself scarce? If you tell them your opinion about how they speak to others, I feel like it opens you up to their defensiveness or becoming their next target.
You could try that Drama--just ask without explanation. You could certainly try that!
I agree; if the manager is indeed dismissing the people and feels it’s her right, she might just say to you “well, if you don’t like it, you can leave the room.“ In that case, she’s putting the onus on you to deal with your own “sensitivities“.
Thank you for this.
Re Q#1. Right from the start, sharing an office with a manager, your manager, is unprofessional and a very bad management decision that can only lead to a toxic workplace.
I feel for this woman and am wondering if the topic of the uncomfortable conversation should be about her being given a more neutral space to work in.
Until that issue is addressed perhaps she could get up and remove herself from what should be a private conversation. If asked why she left, she could respond simply by saying she felt that it wasn’t appropriate for her to be privy to that type of conversation and that it made her uncomfortable.
It could open the door to asking for a space to work other than the manager’s office. Maybe even start to look for another job.
I feel bad for everyone who works for this manager as I’ve had several that were hell on earth.
I’m loving your channel and thank you for teaching us how to navigate life by having better communication skills. ❤
Lulu, I second every word of what you said.
This question isn't specific to this video, but when you use the term 'tactical communication' is that an expression used in communication training circles or a way you've personally found to describe the type of education you do? I haven't found much about it, and watching your videos got me wondering if anyone else is doing this.
It's a term I developed to describe what I do. It is specific to me and my approach. I don't theorize unless I have a specific reason to do so. I try to give you actual words and scripts that are practical and can be used immediately. In other words, I teach tactics for communicating efficiently and successfully and mindfully.
Thank you Dan your videos helped me a lot...
I appreciate your taking the time to write and tell me that, Leah. And you are more than welcome.
Just want to say I LOVE your content. Also in response to the idea of coming to the verbally abused co-worker instead of the abusive boss is great. I just can't help but wonder if asking someone "why do you let so-and-so treat you this way" might spark some resentment between you and your coworker rather than help resolve the issue. If someone personally asked me that question, I would have to assume they were indirectly calling me weak or incapable of communicating my own feelings. I feel like there's probably a more delicate way to phrase it and maybe that's simply my own ego speaking up on that topic. I'm also only 6 minutes into the video so I apologize if I missed something connecting that idea!
After watching a bit longer, I think the advice you have for confronting the verbally abusive boss is GOLDEN.
Thanks, Annie, and I agree that question has to be asked with great empathy, and no judgment. It's a trick, but you can do it!
Beautiful answers!
You are amazing 😭 thank you so much!!
You're so welcome!
Well, I do like you. I like that you articulate these communication techniques with us so clearly. Thank you.
Thanks and welcome
You are great, Man!!
Thanks, Szucs.
I have to interact with a married couple that support each other’s offensive communication behavior by starting the conversations by pointing out a flaw in me or a situation where they have been wronged by me! They call out a situation that may not have happened or modify it to make them look better ! Here’s an example, they start by saying “when are you returning the book you borrowed last year?” When in fact I didn’t borrow a book from them but am put in a position to respond by defending myself from the get go! It’s maddening to be confronted by a two headed monster that insists on beginning every interaction with being offensive! I’ve chosen to not respond verbally but physically by raising an eyebrow and turning my back to them!
If these are family events, I'd recommend that you say to them exactly what you told me--and THEN walk away. For example "As long as you insist on beginning every interaction with offensive comments aimed at me, I'm ending the interaction." Then walk away. I see this as a tad better than what you are doing now because it is clear and direct.
Question: A lot of people I'm not even that close to go on and on about something that happened to some random celebrity, about their neighbors dog, why they hate green beans, etc. etc. How can I get away from people that talk excessively while still being polite?
Not sure if this applies, but I had a girl "friend" try to tell me a story in a bragging way about how "proud of her friend" she was for being "brave enough to speak with her about how they didnt like my energy" when I had met them and then continued with giving herself a lot of credit for having such a strong relationship with that person and declaring how honored she felt that he felt comfortable enough speaking with her about his "uncomfortable experience" when meeting me ... I may have rambled a lot due to being nervous meeting the man and his partner, but I did nothing other than be kind to all of them. Nothing happened to warrant her saying this to me, other than her attempting to cut down my already low self-esteem at that time. It was incredibly rude and manipulative of her. I felt so terrible and her tactics worked at that time. Luckily, although it took too many yrs to see it, I eventually came to terms with the fact that she was attempting with all her might to eventually sabotage me and my then longterm relationship with my now ex-fiance. I count my blessings for the lessons I've now learned from that time period.
Amazing videos, very insightful 💛👏🏼
Glad you like them!
His answer about his same sex relationship has me rolling on the floor. I love you Dan lol
:) :) OK, are we now in a love relationship? If so, please don't tell.
I would never tell. 😂
@Shari Wiltshire yes, but he said it in such a delightful funny way. I just love this channel. He is doing god's work. Caused me to have so much less pain at work and i now can work with all kinds if character and keep my sanity. Did i mention i just love dan?
@Shari Wiltshire I really wished that he had just said that. I live in San Francisco where the question may not necessarily be confrontational. A lot of times it is just a way people want to get to know their co-workers.
Hi Dan. I love your advice. Can you share some advice on how to stop interrupting people. It’s not that I do it on purpose but I can’t seem to help it. I know your outlook on it will help me to remember not to do it.
That is a common symptom of ADHD and similar issues. Ask yourself if you are really listening to them and having a conversation or if you are just waiting for your turn to speak. That helps me.