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“Ships don't sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don't let what's happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.” “"I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.”
I am almost 70. And just in the past few years have I learned it’s all my choice, my happiness is in my hands not others. Edit. And yes it was a hard lesson. Wow.
You are years ahead of my mother. She is mid-70's and struggling each day with the realization that she creates her own happiness and shouldn't be looking for it in others--that would be Jim, Marty, Eamon and ME! :)
I understand the words but the brain fails to accept it. I get angered easily. I really dislike toxic people to the point to where I dehumanize them (I had a long history of being dehumanized by others and I'm trying to unlearn it) and I can't bring myself to respect them as fellow humans. It's a weakness, I know, but it's how I'm programmed and it's been a long fought battle in my head trying to figure it out. And just when I think I have, I become unhinged and pissed off and can't think straight. I just want people to stop being assholes for the sake of just being an asshole because they think it's cute. I have a 50-something year old female coworker who acts like a 14-year-old, can't tell her shit, but everything she has to say somehow carries weight even though she lies and hides behind the powers that be. She made the right friends, sucks for me and the rest of us who genuinely love our work but she and others just suck all of the pride out of my work.
What he teaches goes along perfectly with what Sadhguru teaches. You find joy from within, not from others - same goes for nastiness, you have the power to be joyful & pleasant no matter how other people are, don't alliw others to poison you, and don't depend on others for your happiness either. Thanks for your comment, it made me feel like I'm not the only one at my age.
Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you argumentative. Sharing your feelings doesn’t make you oversensitive. And saying no doesn’t make you uncaring or selfish. If someone won’t respect your feelings, needs, and boundaries, the problem isn’t you; it’s them.
Amy, by and large I would agree, however it all depends how you approach these three things. You can stand up for yourself in a mindful way--or an argumentative way. You can share your feelings, and you can over-share to the point of tedium. And you can say HELL NO or you can politely say No. Sometimes it isn't about feelings, needs and boundaries; sometimes it is about presentation.
@@TheWizardOfWordsand THIS is where I fail...my being direct is misconstrued as being a smart###. I am aware that my tone is sometimes snappy, but it's generally when dealing with incompetence. However, I want to do better.
Yes, I am talking about those people (who are oppositional), and that is a far better term than "narcissist" which is over-used and frequently used incorrectly.
Dan, I really enjoy watching your videos. They remind me that no matter where we are in our careers, that our communication skills can always be improved upon. Btw, my mother was always a critic too. Lol
Thank you, Dan for all your priceless coaching. I've commented a couple times about a friend that makes mean comments and tonight I was ready. I had said I was hungry and she said "if you say that one more time, I'm going to slap you". I said , you know, thats really rude and I don't want to be spoken to that way. She said "don't try to make me feel guilty, you were irritating because you repeated yourself about being hungry, and I said okay, maybe I was irritating, I understand that, and you are welcome to say so but saying you're going to slap me is rude and I don't think you realize how mean you sound sometimes.. She said that's the way she talks and she's not going to edit herself, and I said you can talk however you want, but if I don't like the way you're talking to me then I'm going to say something about it. The last thing she said was that she was joking, and I said "except its not funny". Honestly I don't expect her to change, she's often rude to people in our circle of friends and they all say nothing about it, so she'll probably talk about how overly sensitive I am to all of them behind my back. The point is, I finally stood up to it with firmness yet a kind tone and its about time I did. Gracias, thank you for all the lessons
You handled that perfectly because essentially you said "Say whatever you wish, but not TO ME." Be disrespectful, rude and aggressive, but not TO ME. Perfect.
@@TheWizardOfWords i definitely have you and your guidance to thank! After having watched so many of your videos, I was able to clarify my thoughts and be ready to respond in a calm and kind way to express them when it was called for. You are much appreciated, thank you
Thanks for letting us know real-life interactions! Great job! You pointed out the behavior in a neutral way. Rude people don't worry or consider hurtful things they say, so we should not worry about being assertive in a non-hurtful way. (Our society has programmed us to not speak up, that's why people hesitate, and why it can be difficult to change our ways). You did it!!!
Your post was 9 months ago but I would like to know why you said you were hungry to your friend? She took it that you were saying for her to make plans or to make dinner. She felt responsible for your hunger. It might have felt like another chore dumped on her (even if she has taken control of meals and doesn’t want help or anyone in her kitchen or anyone dining the dishes not her way). I’m not defending her I’m exploring what other wording you could choose. Brainstorming: For doing things solo you can just feed yourself. For doing things together which is probably what you and she prefer, “I’m starving, what do you want me to make?” “Are you hungry? Let’s go to the Olive Garden.” “Let’s grab a bite.” You could be proactive about meals if you eat together. I’m also wondering if she’s more than a friend and you are expecting to open your mouth and be fed even with no commitment. I totally agree with you on the language. I have to keep my side of the street clean. And it is hard to stand up to snarky comments and verbal abuse. It is verbal abuse.
Dan, I have NO idea why you appeared on my feed. I am so glad I clicked on this video. 1st...HILARIOUS! 2nd...informative. 3rd...intelligent. All three of my favorite things in a video. Thank you.
@@TheWizardOfWords , xD....if this gig doesn't work out, I suggest open mic night at your nearest comedy club! Wicked sense of humor, very much needed, thank's!
I moved over 2,000 miles from home to take a job, only to be subject to bait & switch compensation & a toxic work environment that is well institutionalized. Struggling with depression & questioning my own value while everyday growing more closer to giving up on everything. The message in this video is a breath clean air & gives me hope. Thank you Sir
We have a new narcissistic bully at work. As an empath and a poet, she figured I might be a good target. When I worked out what was going on, I used a couple of your techniques. She tried to get me to apologise for something I hadn't done. I said, 'You know, Lucy, I'm not going to apologise. As we're all learning a new system together, I think it's helpful if we don’t focus on blame." "Oh, I AGREE," she purred, "and now you're all offended with me!" "No, Lucy, I am not offended," I smiled. "I am too old for that." She went bright red and now avoids me like the plague, while still sending emails dripping with sarcasm. I am ready for her when she comes at me again (as she surely will). She made the mistake of thinking someone kind and gentle is weak. I am not that. 😅 LOVE your videos! ❤❤
I deal with a bully at work. It’s so draining and, of course, counterproductive. Your videos are helpful. I mostly ignore him, but when I engage, I take the high road and handle it professionally.
Dan you are amazing. I can’t even thank you for the education that I have received from you. I know how to tone down my anger issues with stupid and very toxic people at work! I have learned a smattering of eloquence in vocalizing my displeasures at work!
I have just only happened upon your clips! Your attention to the power of conversation is fantastic 👏 and I have now been able to step into the space which I seemed to have lost. Compassion and being who you want to see, I had actually forgotten what exactly this meant in practice and anxiety had been tenuously seeping in. Thank you for sharing so openly 🙏 love the format 😉
Rachel, thanks for the love. Also--please check out my newest video Stop Responding Defensively. I think it will help. Go to my channel and put in those search terms.
Thank you. I needed to be reminded today of all days, that I need to be the example. Someone is being hurtful to me, and I understand their actions toward me, are because they are hurting inside of themself, and it would be so easy for me to lash out at them. But I won't. Again, thank you.
I use the term "That may be but" when I deal with complainers at work. They'll say "Man this place sucks" I respond "That may be but, that hasn't been My experience here"
Recalled this comment when faced with some complaining today. Need some more practice but I believe it made a difference. We had a much more positive shift over all even when faced with challenges. Solid communication all around made things run smoothly.
I cannot thank you enough for your help you have encouraged me to communicate more and get my point across instead of just letting my irritations build up ! It’s so hard for me to deal with toxic people especially at work
I understand about the mother comments, as I'm a mother and have learned to "see" my children's life without seeing it and commenting, suggesting, pointing out facts etc..I had to learn how to love them in a better way. Thanks for your lessons
Then you probably understand that I am exaggerating for effect. I could not love my mother more if there were two of her. (Now THERE is a scary thought.() ) Just kidding, Mom.
I wish I saw this earlier but I'm so grateful I found this! I'm a new hire and there's a specific clique who has picked on me every single day on Day 3 through now. I'm the assistant to a C. O. O. & I've mentioned to her their behavior and she wants all of this to stop. She wants ME to speak to them one on one and I've been looking for words to say and phrases to let them know how I feel professionally separating my feelings from business. Now I found this video and I feel much more at ease. Thank you, Dan!!!!!!
Hi Dan I just want to thank you. I have been having issues within my office I work in and was fingerpointed as having a negative impact on the culture. Your video about resigning gave me some good tips even if they were not directly related. I wrote out 6 pages of things I needed to express to my top manager, I just read from my pages and gave very specific examples of how people have to the point they have suggested I had sexual relations with clients. I explained due to the constant sexualised nature of almost every conversation I have chosen to ignore any conversation unless it is directly involved me and my client. There is a much more in-depth back story but thank you I had this meeting this morning and it feels like the weight of the world is off my shoulders .
So glad I found this channel! I’ve always struggled with not taking things personally and handling volatile situations directly but tactfully and gracefully. Through channels like this one I am slowly developing this skill.
I’m up at 5am hollering laughing 😂 thank you for this humorous and very helpful presentation 🙏🙏🙏 I’m in a new role where my gangster is tested daily 🤦🏻♀️ You’re instruction and content is so helpful!
Your videos are life changing. I have already learned so much. Can you make a video for us high school teachers who are trying to help negative, griping, and often rude teenagers? I try to respond in the opposite spirit, but when they cross a line, it gets very difficult.
This is why I have been watching dan, so I can improve my self and not be the ar*se hole in life ... quickly realising I have become that one everybody thinks is toxic
Everything Dan teaches covers the possibility that we have misread the comment or not properly discerned what was meant, logically, without filters, so if we did misread, we're not being disrespectful or hurting ourselves either.. (Sometimes even a non-abusive comment can hurt us, based on what's inside of us, so it's helpful to know ourselves and be able to discern.) We all see & hear through our own personal lenses, it's very difficult to think consciously (most people cannot think consciously for even 10 seconds, it's very, very rare to find someone who can even do so for 5 minutes).
I really appreciate your videos, Dan and how they were delivered In such a relatable, down to earth way with humor often. “Sick Shakespearean way” made me laugh out loud. Watching your videos has helped me through some recent tough times at work I am definitely interested in your class.
"i mean really, we're looking at Stuart, the toxic co worker in the next cubicle, for OUR happiness??" ("and then we get surprised when they can't deliver....") gonna IMPRINT this on my brain
OMG Your message was so needed by me. I have spent a lot of my life thinking that rising above a hurtful conversation was beneficial and then I would be quietly hurt and go nurse my wounds. Thank you for blowing my mind and showing me that I need to make changes in how I respond to the kind of person that you describe in this video. I just came across your video randomly. You have a new subscriber and you have probably changed my life. I needed to know when and how to stand up for myself. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I always enjoy the stories about your family; we all have family "characters". It would be fun to see them in your next "How to handle the holidays" video. Of course they could play the role of those asking nosy or inappropriate questions. Just a thought! Thank you for your valuable videos, I'm learning a great deal.
Oh they wouldn't have to "play" the role, Rose; they'd just have to play themselves. Having said that--I love each and every one of them and appreciate the color they bring to my life. BTW, that includes my mother who has allowed me to exaggerate her faults and ignore her virtues FOREVER on UA-cam. And life has never been the same without my father, and never will be. Good idea, Rose. I think we're all going to be together for the holidays (god willing and the crick don't rise) so I might take out my camera.
@@TheWizardOfWords I"ll look forward to it. Get Crystal there as well to take off her shoes. : ) Thank you for the marvelous content, and all the joyful chuckles
Hi Dan, I have been following your channel for a while now, which I love. Periodically I rewatch your videos to help remind myself to practise these techniques. I especially loved your point about not putting responsibility on others for your happiness - an unrealistic expectation! Best wishes :)
“ nobody likes a nosy Rosie”....... One of my all-time favorites works everywhere and calls the person out on their nonsense the more people around the better LOL
What a great find. I accidentally found your educational video trainings on my feed Dan. Your practical content, injected humor and the upbeat flow really appeals to me.
Dan thank you... One of the most valuable things you have taught me is.... When bosses yell and scream at me just to undermine my authority is... That is THIER PROBLEM...NOT A ME PROBLEM ❤️❤️❤️
The word AND is a super power. I hear your frustration/anger/ AND we have to keep this civil. Straight Gold. Im trying to use w my NPD clients who use their diagnosis as a license to abuse.
You are hysterical. 😁and what compassion and truth … you are wonderful. You know Safety is a good issue these days. But you are insightful and helpful in all these arenas.
Let me tell you something. You don’t know how you have helped me. To make a long story short I have been dealing with some things at work and I was trying to make sense of or try to enable my boss to see what I wanted them to see. But everything I did she made everything contradictory. God led me to your videos and I am at peace with everything. Thank you so much for allowing God to lead you to do these videos. This is a gift and I'm sure going to use it thank you again. I started to feel like I was crazy but I am understanding that you can not make sense to a person who wants to make sense.
I’ve excepted I can go to work, be friendly but not engage in too much chit chat at work. I started to get the hint that my opinion at meetings are not needed. Even if my boss asks me directly my opinion, I’m going to rethink giving it. I’ve had my ideas taken and posed as their own. Other than if there is a problem with my check or if I need supplies, I’m not going to put my energy into what the team is doing. I really was creating my own madness. The manager’s tone can be brash to everyone. They do not think it is an issue. I started to mind my own biz and do more listening. I don’t really need to share with my co workers. Thank you for the tips, I’ve found that using much less words through out the day, keeps my energy balanced.
I have recently found your channel. You make so much sense . I have tried a tactics on a very toxic co-worker and she is not getting it. Literally, every day, the minute she walks in the door she starts with the negativity. It is so draining! I have been at my job for 3 years and in this position for almost 2 years. I have been told by many, many people that she has been brought into HR and that several people quit because they couldn't work with her. She has been with the company for over 25 years and the amount of times I have heard she was brought into HR I can't understand how she still has a job here. I have gone to HR with her once and spoke to HR about another situation a few weeks ago and nothing has changed. Another co-worker had gone to our director last week with a complaint about her and still nothing has been resolved. Not sure what to do at this point. HELP, please! Thanks you.
I can totally relate. My sister in-law always be little everything I do or say. I am so tired of trying to keep the peace. I would love to tell them cut their attitude and just be happy for me. They respond so neg at everything I say or do. Example, I told them my kids had a great time at Disneyland. They said oh, we can't afford that. And they are very well financially.
So insightful. I’ve found I’ve almost muted myself after dealing with toxic/narcissistic family members. I would love to hear your thoughts on how to come out of these self sabotaging trauma responses. Simply avoiding them hasn’t helped much.
Either avoid or deal. Now if you want to deal with these people, I'd recommend a steady diet of my most recent videos. When you deal with toxic people, their toxicity is muted, which is better than muting yourself, Yellow Girl.
If you had alot of exposure to a narc there may be behaviours youve learned to survive that are a beacon to other narcs. Im learning this in my quest to never be available for more of that.
Your examples are perfect. My coworker would not talk to me, just go straight to management and the problem is that the manager will change his mind because of this person. She is very persuasive and end up getting her way. This is what make me feel angry and I don’t know how to deal with it be when I discuss the direction I get, he said he changed his mind because “Debbie” is very experienced. I’ve have 3 years more experience.
Christina, perhaps you could head this off by taking the coworker aside and saying something along these lines: "Trixie, I appreciate the pointers when you see something I'm doing that can be done better. If you would come directly to me instead of management, I'd be grateful. I'll do the same for you." Say something to encourage Trixie to talk to you so you can evaluate what she has to say before she goes to management. If you're convinced that management will see it her way, and you will then be asked to do it her way--you may as well find out directly from her what's up and make the appropriate changes. You may feel as though you're deferring to Trixie, however in talking to her, you may just win her over enough that she'll stop ratting you out. You are not giving her power; you are giving her mindful consideration that just might result in her trying to help instead of hurt her.
9:18 😂What you say here, Dan, and how you say it, sounds a lot like my Mom! 😂😂😂 It’s like, that’s what we’re doing…..period, *as if it’s already done.*
OMG How in this world did you develop such knowledge, humor and wit? Not kidding at all. You are a genius, both in communication knowledge and how to deliver it. You should be one of those 500 year old men sitting on a mountain top dispensing wisdom in short bursts…wait, that’s what you’re doing on this channel. We just don’t have to struggle to climb the mountain. Anyway..Thank you…for all your videos, and for answering me a few days back. ❤ Genius.. absolute Genius.
I think your suggestions are kind and firm. I’m going to use your method in dealing with some troublesome neighbors, and I think it will be effective. Thank you!
I really love the vivid, entertaining way you depict these points. It really hits home the way you voice over the little nagging conversations. Exactly... I'm bringing this irritating person home with me? 🤢 I get it now. Your video helped me more than any book or course in my life. Thanks!
I just found you lol OMG, I have a plan to watch all your videos!!! Obviously, I have issues at work which I don't want to quit, so I need your assistance .. now! You are amazing!
Enjoy your videos. I was struggling with much of what you discuss, but turned it around. Jordan Peterson was probably the biggest influence in my maturation, but now seek out others also. Yours is one of the 'others" that has influenced me. Thanks.
Omg I love your sense of humor and how you do these videos. I love the mindset that you have and that is to be a thermostat vs a thermometer. I am so glad your channel came up on my feed. It comes from such a healthier and empowering place. Thank you 💖
Really? We're looking at Stewart - the toxic co-worker - in the next cubicle- for our happiness? LOL! this hits home, thank you. You're right as always.
It is absolutely one of the most effective phrases of all time--and quite useful with teenagers who deflect and dodge and argue until your head explodes.
At 5:19 😂 things before that were entertaining but this is soo correct with me and my healing about my mother 🙏😁 I know that this moment is comming but till then I limited my contact with her.
Sooooo timely! Dealing with coworkers who make it their life's mission to disagree, put you down, & talk back is beyond frustrating. Curious how you handle these people who throw snooty comments when you are their supervisor?
I must say one thing I've learnt over the years that really works is to 'kill those toxic people with kindness.' Similar to giving them love! It doesn't cost money, but it does take practice.
HEY MY FRIENDS: If these videos are having a positive impact on you, please show your support by becoming a CHANNEL MEMBER and/or clicking the THANKS BUTTON above and leaving a little love. A little love will allow me to continue delivering these videos directly to you!
You need a whole lot of love ❤️ as we all do listen to LED Zeppelin (what a whole lot. Of love) @9194vivianeprudent
I just found your channel. Thank you for the advice.
At 14:40 you mention about being abused at work. What videos do you have on that issue?
“Ships don't sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don't let what's happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.”
“"I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.”
I wish I had said that :)
Awesome advice thanks 👍🏽
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I am almost 70. And just in the past few years have I learned it’s all my choice, my happiness is in my hands not others. Edit. And yes it was a hard lesson. Wow.
You are years ahead of my mother. She is mid-70's and struggling each day with the realization that she creates her own happiness and shouldn't be looking for it in others--that would be Jim, Marty, Eamon and ME! :)
@@TheWizardOfWords very GOOD point!
I understand the words but the brain fails to accept it. I get angered easily. I really dislike toxic people to the point to where I dehumanize them (I had a long history of being dehumanized by others and I'm trying to unlearn it) and I can't bring myself to respect them as fellow humans. It's a weakness, I know, but it's how I'm programmed and it's been a long fought battle in my head trying to figure it out. And just when I think I have, I become unhinged and pissed off and can't think straight. I just want people to stop being assholes for the sake of just being an asshole because they think it's cute. I have a 50-something year old female coworker who acts like a 14-year-old, can't tell her shit, but everything she has to say somehow carries weight even though she lies and hides behind the powers that be. She made the right friends, sucks for me and the rest of us who genuinely love our work but she and others just suck all of the pride out of my work.
Same here!
What he teaches goes along perfectly with what Sadhguru teaches. You find joy from within, not from others - same goes for nastiness, you have the power to be joyful & pleasant no matter how other people are, don't alliw others to poison you, and don't depend on others for your happiness either. Thanks for your comment, it made me feel like I'm not the only one at my age.
Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you argumentative. Sharing your feelings doesn’t make you oversensitive. And saying no doesn’t make you uncaring or selfish. If someone won’t respect your feelings, needs, and boundaries, the problem isn’t you; it’s them.
Amy, by and large I would agree, however it all depends how you approach these three things. You can stand up for yourself in a mindful way--or an argumentative way. You can share your feelings, and you can over-share to the point of tedium. And you can say HELL NO or you can politely say No. Sometimes it isn't about feelings, needs and boundaries; sometimes it is about presentation.
@@TheWizardOfWordsand THIS is where I fail...my being direct is misconstrued as being a smart###. I am aware that my tone is sometimes snappy, but it's generally when dealing with incompetence. However, I want to do better.
@@TheWizardOfWordswhen the castor oil works there will be a big presentation 😂😂😂😂
He is really talking about people who are oppositional. There is NO SHORTAGE of these people and they work in every industry.
Yes, I am talking about those people (who are oppositional), and that is a far better term than "narcissist" which is over-used and frequently used incorrectly.
Your cat is cuuuutteee
Dan, I really enjoy watching your videos. They remind me that no matter where we are in our careers, that our communication skills can always be improved upon. Btw, my mother was always a critic too. Lol
Love this guy he's like the laid back charismatic Tactical version of Tony stark of clap backs.
My God, I'm writing that one down. I think I like it. Robert might not like the comparison, but I'll take it. :)
Thank you, Dan for all your priceless coaching. I've commented a couple times about a friend that makes mean comments and tonight I was ready. I had said I was hungry and she said "if you say that one more time, I'm going to slap you". I said , you know, thats really rude and I don't want to be spoken to that way. She said "don't try to make me feel guilty, you were irritating because you repeated yourself about being hungry, and I said okay, maybe I was irritating, I understand that, and you are welcome to say so but saying you're going to slap me is rude and I don't think you realize how mean you sound sometimes.. She said that's the way she talks and she's not going to edit herself, and I said you can talk however you want, but if I don't like the way you're talking to me then I'm going to say something about it. The last thing she said was that she was joking, and I said "except its not funny".
Honestly I don't expect her to change, she's often rude to people in our circle of friends and they all say nothing about it, so she'll probably talk about how overly sensitive I am to all of them behind my back. The point is, I finally stood up to it with firmness yet a kind tone and its about time I did.
Gracias, thank you for all the lessons
You handled that perfectly because essentially you said "Say whatever you wish, but not TO ME." Be disrespectful, rude and aggressive, but not TO ME. Perfect.
@@TheWizardOfWords i definitely have you and your guidance to thank! After having watched so many of your videos, I was able to clarify my thoughts and be ready to respond in a calm and kind way to express them when it was called for.
You are much appreciated, thank you
Thanks for letting us know real-life interactions! Great job! You pointed out the behavior in a neutral way. Rude people don't worry or consider hurtful things they say, so we should not worry about being assertive in a non-hurtful way. (Our society has programmed us to not speak up, that's why people hesitate, and why it can be difficult to change our ways). You did it!!!
She sounds like a toxic friend. I had a friend just like that.
Your post was 9 months ago but I would like to know why you said you were hungry to your friend?
She took it that you were saying for her to make plans or to make dinner. She felt responsible for your hunger. It might have felt like another chore dumped on her (even if she has taken control of meals and doesn’t want help or anyone in her kitchen or anyone dining the dishes not her way).
I’m not defending her I’m exploring what other wording you could choose.
Brainstorming:
For doing things solo you can just feed yourself.
For doing things together which is probably what you and she prefer, “I’m starving, what do you want me to make?” “Are you hungry? Let’s go to the Olive Garden.”
“Let’s grab a bite.”
You could be proactive about meals if you eat together.
I’m also wondering if she’s more than a friend and you are expecting to open your mouth and be fed even with no commitment.
I totally agree with you on the language. I have to keep my side of the street clean. And it is hard to stand up to snarky comments and verbal abuse. It is verbal abuse.
Dan, I have NO idea why you appeared on my feed. I am so glad I clicked on this video. 1st...HILARIOUS! 2nd...informative. 3rd...intelligent. All three of my favorite things in a video. Thank you.
It was a Christmas Miracle, Rob.
@@TheWizardOfWords , xD....if this gig doesn't work out, I suggest open mic night at your nearest comedy club! Wicked sense of humor, very much needed, thank's!
He’s the best. He deserves millions of views.
I moved over 2,000 miles from home to take a job, only to be subject to bait & switch compensation & a toxic work environment that is well institutionalized. Struggling with depression & questioning my own value while everyday growing more closer to giving up on everything. The message in this video is a breath clean air & gives me hope. Thank you Sir
You are welcome, jdj.
💜
Moving again is a valid option. Don't be trapped there.
I have gotten to the point that even if someone feels that they have to 'throw" something at you - you don't have to "catch it" .....just let it drop!
Great way to put it!
We have a new narcissistic bully at work. As an empath and a poet, she figured I might be a good target. When I worked out what was going on, I used a couple of your techniques. She tried to get me to apologise for something I hadn't done. I said, 'You know, Lucy, I'm not going to apologise. As we're all learning a new system together, I think it's helpful if we don’t focus on blame." "Oh, I AGREE," she purred, "and now you're all offended with me!" "No, Lucy, I am not offended," I smiled. "I am too old for that." She went bright red and now avoids me like the plague, while still sending emails dripping with sarcasm. I am ready for her when she comes at me again (as she surely will). She made the mistake of thinking someone kind and gentle is weak. I am not that. 😅 LOVE your videos! ❤❤
@fionazerbst5771 Kindness and gentleness come from strength, not weakness, and now your work bully knows that. You and I knew it all along.
You had me at, "SHUT THEIR TRAP FOR GOOD." Love chosen positivity paired with skilled compassion. ❤️
"Chosen positivity paired with skilled compassion. " good one!
I deal with a bully at work. It’s so draining and, of course, counterproductive. Your videos are helpful. I mostly ignore him, but when I engage, I take the high road and handle it professionally.
That's the goal, Dragonfish--changing the global dialogue one conversation at a time.
Not only a savvy communicator but a teacher on how to love yourself and others💕🙏🏽thanks Dan
You're welcome, Regina--all doing our best, right?
Dan you are amazing. I can’t even thank you for the education that I have received from you. I know how to tone down my anger issues with stupid and very toxic people at work! I have learned a smattering of eloquence in vocalizing my displeasures at work!
Allowing others to control your happiness or sadness is the worst kind of slavery.
I have just only happened upon your clips! Your attention to the power of conversation is fantastic 👏 and I have now been able to step into the space which I seemed to have lost. Compassion and being who you want to see, I had actually forgotten what exactly this meant in practice and anxiety had been tenuously seeping in. Thank you for sharing so openly 🙏 love the format 😉
Rachel, thanks for the love. Also--please check out my newest video Stop Responding Defensively. I think it will help. Go to my channel and put in those search terms.
Are you in recovery? This thinking is so enlightened. The snark is my baseline. You cover both so PERFECTLY!! Bless you.
Thank you. I needed to be reminded today of all days, that I need to be the example. Someone is being hurtful to me, and I understand their actions toward me, are because they are hurting inside of themself, and it would be so easy for me to lash out at them. But I won't. Again, thank you.
You get it, Inez.
I use the term "That may be but" when I deal with complainers at work. They'll say "Man this place sucks" I respond "That may be but, that hasn't been My experience here"
Perfect, Dylan.
Recalled this comment when faced with some complaining today. Need some more practice but I believe it made a difference. We had a much more positive shift over all even when faced with challenges. Solid communication all around made things run smoothly.
I cannot thank you enough for your help you have encouraged me to communicate more and get my point across instead of just letting my irritations build up ! It’s so hard for me to deal with toxic people especially at work
Happy to help, Moira.
I can’t thank you enough! Your videos have helped my son and myself. You’re a great guy, and appreciated!
Thank you Valerie! What a delightful way to start the day!
Dan you made me literally lol when you said "in a sick Shakespearean way". I totally get it. You're a master wordsmith sir.
Thank you. I suppose everyone says "You're da bomb" so I won't.
@@TheWizardOfWords lol
“To be”.... “but of course there are times NOT to BE - blah, blah, blah....”
I understand about the mother comments, as I'm a mother and have learned to "see" my children's life without seeing it and commenting, suggesting, pointing out facts etc..I had to learn how to love them in a better way. Thanks for your lessons
Then you probably understand that I am exaggerating for effect. I could not love my mother more if there were two of her. (Now THERE is a scary thought.() ) Just kidding, Mom.
I wish I saw this earlier but I'm so grateful I found this! I'm a new hire and there's a specific clique who has picked on me every single day on Day 3 through now. I'm the assistant to a C. O. O. & I've mentioned to her their behavior and she wants all of this to stop. She wants ME to speak to them one on one and I've been looking for words to say and phrases to let them know how I feel professionally separating my feelings from business. Now I found this video and I feel much more at ease. Thank you, Dan!!!!!!
You are very welcome, She.
Hi Dan I just want to thank you. I have been having issues within my office I work in and was fingerpointed as having a negative impact on the culture. Your video about resigning gave me some good tips even if they were not directly related. I wrote out 6 pages of things I needed to express to my top manager, I just read from my pages and gave very specific examples of how people have to the point they have suggested I had sexual relations with clients. I explained due to the constant sexualised nature of almost every conversation I have chosen to ignore any conversation unless it is directly involved me and my client. There is a much more in-depth back story but thank you I had this meeting this morning and it feels like the weight of the world is off my shoulders .
you have a style that helps solve not fluff, thank you
You’re funny and helpful all while maintaining clarity. I really appreciate the content of your messages!!
So glad I found this channel! I’ve always struggled with not taking things personally and handling volatile situations directly but tactfully and gracefully. Through channels like this one I am slowly developing this skill.
We're all learning every day. I'm happy to have helped you along your communication journey.
I’m up at 5am hollering laughing 😂 thank you for this humorous and very helpful presentation 🙏🙏🙏 I’m in a new role where my gangster is tested daily 🤦🏻♀️ You’re instruction and content is so helpful!
😂😂😂😂
Your videos are life changing. I have already learned so much. Can you make a video for us high school teachers who are trying to help negative, griping, and often rude teenagers? I try to respond in the opposite spirit, but when they cross a line, it gets very difficult.
This is a great idea!
For parents too for the same reasons
I'm dying - the "well actually" is my dad! I shouldn't laugh - but this was great to get addressed!
This is why I have been watching dan, so I can improve my self and not be the ar*se hole in life ... quickly realising I have become that one everybody thinks is toxic
My mom is also a card carrying member of the “Well, Actually” club.
This will be helpful for me in the future.
You bring a HUGE smile to my face as well as teach me some good tips. Thank you!!! ☺️ 💕
Everything Dan teaches covers the possibility that we have misread the comment or not properly discerned what was meant, logically, without filters, so if we did misread, we're not being disrespectful or hurting ourselves either..
(Sometimes even a non-abusive comment can hurt us, based on what's inside of us, so it's helpful to know ourselves and be able to discern.)
We all see & hear through our own personal lenses, it's very difficult to think consciously (most people cannot think consciously for even 10 seconds, it's very, very rare to find someone who can even do so for 5 minutes).
I understand you...my mother is the same way. It took me years to develop a self-esteem and not take what she says personally.
I really appreciate your videos, Dan and how they were delivered In such a relatable, down to earth way with humor often. “Sick Shakespearean way” made me laugh out loud. Watching your videos has helped me through some recent tough times at work I am definitely interested in your class.
Katie, catch the next class--coming soon to a --danoconnortraining.com-- channel near you--
"i mean really, we're looking at Stuart, the toxic co worker in the next cubicle, for OUR happiness??" ("and then we get surprised when they can't deliver....")
gonna IMPRINT this on my brain
OMG Your message was so needed by me. I have spent a lot of my life thinking that rising above a hurtful conversation was beneficial and then I would be quietly hurt and go nurse my wounds. Thank you for blowing my mind and showing me that I need to make changes in how I respond to the kind of person that you describe in this video. I just came across your video randomly. You have a new subscriber and you have probably changed my life. I needed to know when and how to stand up for myself. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You are most welcome, Cabin Fever. And thank you for subscribing :)
I always enjoy the stories about your family; we all have family "characters". It would be fun to see them in your next "How to handle the holidays" video. Of course they could play the role of those asking nosy or inappropriate questions. Just a thought! Thank you for your valuable videos, I'm learning a great deal.
Oh they wouldn't have to "play" the role, Rose; they'd just have to play themselves. Having said that--I love each and every one of them and appreciate the color they bring to my life. BTW, that includes my mother who has allowed me to exaggerate her faults and ignore her virtues FOREVER on UA-cam. And life has never been the same without my father, and never will be. Good idea, Rose. I think we're all going to be together for the holidays (god willing and the crick don't rise) so I might take out my camera.
@@TheWizardOfWords I"ll look forward to it. Get Crystal there as well to take off her shoes. : ) Thank you for the marvelous content, and all the joyful chuckles
I work in education. Thank you for helping me stay sane when interacting with a wide variety of students, co-workers, and parents.
Hi Dan, I have been following your channel for a while now, which I love. Periodically I rewatch your videos to help remind myself to practise these techniques. I especially loved your point about not putting responsibility on others for your happiness - an unrealistic expectation! Best wishes :)
Truth hurts how they say, basing the facts is something that wont be ignored but they will know that ur words r powerful! Yes! 🙌🏼
This is your best one yet!!! The sarcasm (crowd responses) is my ABSOLUTE favorite 😍 😂
“ nobody likes a nosy Rosie”.......
One of my all-time favorites works everywhere and calls the person out on their nonsense the more people around the better LOL
What a great find. I accidentally found your educational video trainings on my feed Dan. Your practical content, injected humor and the upbeat flow really appeals to me.
Once again--I am grateful for your comments, Bill. I'm happy we found each other and I hope you share these videos from time to time.
Thank you for what you do! I could weep with relief at having the fabulous tools you so artfully, lovingly supply!
Dan thank you... One of the most valuable things you have taught me is.... When bosses yell and scream at me just to undermine my authority is... That is THIER PROBLEM...NOT A ME PROBLEM ❤️❤️❤️
Absolutely. No one should be yelling and undermining someone else. There are many ways to lead and guide; yelling and undermining aren't among them.
The word AND is a super power. I hear your frustration/anger/ AND we have to keep this civil. Straight Gold. Im trying to use w my NPD clients who use their diagnosis as a license to abuse.
You are hysterical. 😁and what compassion and truth … you are wonderful. You know Safety is a good issue these days. But you are insightful and helpful in all these arenas.
6 or above! Ha! Today I had a trial and passed Thanks to you Dan and the Mercy of God to recall what I learned.
Let me tell you something. You don’t know how you have helped me. To make a long story short I have been dealing with some things at work and I was trying to make sense of or try to enable my boss to see what I wanted them to see. But everything I did she made everything contradictory. God led me to your videos and I am at peace with everything. Thank you so much for allowing God to lead you to do these videos. This is a gift and I'm sure going to use it thank you again. I started to feel like I was crazy but I am understanding that you can not make sense to a person who wants to make sense.
I’ve excepted I can go to work, be friendly but not engage in too much chit chat at work. I started to get the hint that my opinion at meetings are not needed. Even if my boss asks me directly my opinion, I’m going to rethink giving it. I’ve had my ideas taken and posed as their own. Other than if there is a problem with my check or if I need supplies, I’m not going to put my energy into what the team is doing. I really was creating my own madness. The manager’s tone can be brash to everyone. They do not think it is an issue.
I started to mind my own biz and do more listening. I don’t really need to share with my co workers.
Thank you for the tips, I’ve found that using much less words through out the day, keeps my energy balanced.
I have recently found your channel. You make so much sense . I have tried a tactics on a very toxic co-worker and she is not getting it. Literally, every day, the minute she walks in the door she starts with the negativity. It is so draining! I have been at my job for 3 years and in this position for almost 2 years. I have been told by many, many people that she has been brought into HR and that several people quit because they couldn't work with her. She has been with the company for over 25 years and the amount of times I have heard she was brought into HR I can't understand how she still has a job here. I have gone to HR with her once and spoke to HR about another situation a few weeks ago and nothing has changed. Another co-worker had gone to our director last week with a complaint about her and still nothing has been resolved. Not sure what to do at this point. HELP, please! Thanks you.
Try other tactics; check around my UA-cam site. Don't bother with HR. They work for the company, and the company obviously values this 25-year vet.
I can totally relate. My sister in-law always be little everything I do or say. I am so tired of trying to keep the peace. I would love to tell them cut their attitude and just be happy for me. They respond so neg at everything I say or do. Example, I told them my kids had a great time at Disneyland. They said oh, we can't afford that. And they are very well financially.
Tell your sister that you choose to give your children good memories and your time , and econ9mies will be made in other ares to accomplish this ,
Thanks!
Many thanks, NaimaG12!
I love your videos ❤ I’m so glad we are connected and I’m able to learn from you! You’re wonderful!
Thank you so much!
Dan-you were born to convey comminicative wisdom and you walk in your gift so well!
A high compliment--and I thank you Mary J.
Many times, when someone retorts, "actually......." - I reply, "I SAID WHAT I SAID."
I intend to watch more of your exceptional trainings. Keep up the remarkable work Dan.
Many thanks, Bill. I appreciate your encouragement.
Trixie, Stewart, Mary Charlie. I freaking love the neared you pick as examples😂😂
So insightful. I’ve found I’ve almost muted myself after dealing with toxic/narcissistic family members. I would love to hear your thoughts on how to come out of these self sabotaging trauma responses. Simply avoiding them hasn’t helped much.
Either avoid or deal. Now if you want to deal with these people, I'd recommend a steady diet of my most recent videos. When you deal with toxic people, their toxicity is muted, which is better than muting yourself, Yellow Girl.
If you had alot of exposure to a narc there may be behaviours youve learned to survive that are a beacon to other narcs. Im learning this in my quest to never be available for more of that.
Thanks!
Jennifer, my apologies. I missed this a year ago. And I'm thanking you now!
I am blessed to have found you,Dan and I am absolutely grateful to you.💖💛✨🌟💫🙏🙌🌏😊
Thank you, Vani. I am blessed that we found each other.
I wish I found your course before I quit all my jobs.
Exactly my thought 😂
Your examples are perfect. My coworker would not talk to me, just go straight to management and the problem is that the manager will change his mind because of this person. She is very persuasive and end up getting her way. This is what make me feel angry and I don’t know how to deal with it be when I discuss the direction I get, he said he changed his mind because “Debbie” is very experienced. I’ve have 3 years more experience.
Christina, perhaps you could head this off by taking the coworker aside and saying something along these lines: "Trixie, I appreciate the pointers when you see something I'm doing that can be done better. If you would come directly to me instead of management, I'd be grateful. I'll do the same for you." Say something to encourage Trixie to talk to you so you can evaluate what she has to say before she goes to management. If you're convinced that management will see it her way, and you will then be asked to do it her way--you may as well find out directly from her what's up and make the appropriate changes. You may feel as though you're deferring to Trixie, however in talking to her, you may just win her over enough that she'll stop ratting you out. You are not giving her power; you are giving her mindful consideration that just might result in her trying to help instead of hurt her.
Hey Patricia; see my response to Christina and tell me if it might work for you.
9:18 😂What you say here, Dan, and how you say it, sounds a lot like my Mom! 😂😂😂 It’s like, that’s what we’re doing…..period, *as if it’s already done.*
OMG How in this world did you develop such knowledge, humor and wit?
Not kidding at all. You are a genius, both in communication knowledge and how to deliver it.
You should be one of those 500 year old men sitting on a mountain top dispensing wisdom in short bursts…wait, that’s what you’re doing on this channel. We just don’t have to struggle to climb the mountain.
Anyway..Thank you…for all your videos, and for answering me a few days back. ❤ Genius.. absolute Genius.
Thanks, Susan. Sometimes I feel as though I'm about 500 years old :)
Dan, you are fabulous! I could listen to you all day. 🤩😁🎖🥇
That means you are NOT my mother, writing under a pseudonym.
You are awesome and thank you for your advice!!!😊
I think your suggestions are kind and firm. I’m going to use your method in dealing with some troublesome neighbors, and I think it will be effective. Thank you!
My Mum sent me this video and I thought it was EXCELLENT!! I need you 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 Love your humour and practical advice! THANK YOU! 💕
Good for your mum for sharing! Please thank her for me and tell her to KEEP IT UP!
I really love the vivid, entertaining way you depict these points. It really hits home the way you voice over the little nagging conversations.
Exactly... I'm bringing this irritating person home with me? 🤢
I get it now. Your video helped me more than any book or course in my life. Thanks!
Thank you, Xianne!
Loved this so much - Bless you
Found the video I need yippee…..
Thank you kindly
You are appreciated
I am Grateful
❤
Wow, You portrayed so many of my tormentors in this short video. We are brothers.
Omg! I am SO GRATEFUL I found your channel. I was laughing out loud during your video. Such relatable content and also such helpful tools!!!
Thanks, Joana. Much more to come.
It was a blessing to come across your channel! Thank you for being here! 🤍
You're welcome and I'm happy to be here!
I just found you lol OMG, I have a plan to watch all your videos!!! Obviously, I have issues at work which I don't want to quit, so I need your assistance .. now! You are amazing!
Welcome aboard, B&H!
Mr Dan,I have had problem s at work. I'm very happy to have found you'r program on u2. I will become a avid student . Thank you
You are welcome!
OMG the part about Mom cracked me up, your personality shines through in these videos. Luv It !
I want to see buddy! Love your communication advice “be the thing you wish them to be” and your editing is the best 😊
Enjoy your videos. I was struggling with much of what you discuss, but turned it around. Jordan Peterson was probably the biggest influence in my maturation, but now seek out others also. Yours is one of the 'others" that has influenced me. Thanks.
Thanks, Wade. I hope you keep watching.
I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!! You are SO smart and a true life saver!!!!!
Omg I love your sense of humor and how you do these videos. I love the mindset that you have and that is to be a thermostat vs a thermometer. I am so glad your channel came up on my feed. It comes from such a healthier and empowering place. Thank you 💖
Thank you so much!!
The mirror and self reflection is fascinating. I do unconsciously put challenging personalities in charge of my happiness. 🤔😑💫
Really? We're looking at Stewart - the toxic co-worker - in the next cubicle- for our happiness? LOL! this hits home, thank you. You're right as always.
Thanks, Mister. I appreciate your support.
Love you Dan. Thank you for being candid and sharing your insight.
You are great …! Always to the point with such hot issues!
Live and let live, This is the best choice 🎉
..your perfect 👌 ❤
Thx for the disarming tips!
That may be but.......... I must remember this one when I get all flustered.
It is absolutely one of the most effective phrases of all time--and quite useful with teenagers who deflect and dodge and argue until your head explodes.
@@TheWizardOfWords this is why I’m watching your videos!
At 5:19 😂 things before that were entertaining but this is soo correct with me and my healing about my mother 🙏😁 I know that this moment is comming but till then I limited my contact with her.
Simply amazing techniques. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for watching and also for your membership. It is much appreciated.
Oh my you nailed me on the taking the toxicity. My bad.
GREAT to see that you've decided to continue learning and growing--hopefully until the day you leave this mortal coil.
THank you for making me feel like I am not alone with that type of non-supportive parent.
I love that you reply to every UA-cam comment Dan, keep up the awesome work, have a great week.
Doing my best, Master Talk.
Sooooo timely! Dealing with coworkers who make it their life's mission to disagree, put you down, & talk back is beyond frustrating. Curious how you handle these people who throw snooty comments when you are their supervisor?
Dan, I love Buddy🐶, I love your Mom💃🏼, and I love you🕺🏻! You’re so helpful! 🙏💐🥰
Thanks, Starry. My dog is faithful; my mother is helpful (though relentless); and I'm sure if I knew you, I'd love you too.
I must say one thing I've learnt over the years that really works is to 'kill those toxic people with kindness.' Similar to giving them love! It doesn't cost money, but it does take practice.