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I call these biggies blowtorching: when someone talks over, even shouts so loudly you can't be heard then doesn't give the other a chance to speak & the other biggie: when I don't agree I'm finding fault with their opinion. Please answer this!!
I am so sick of being told I am "overly sensitive" from people who have no compassion, sympathy or understanding others....and yet they are the most aggressive gaslighters.
Yeah, I hate that fucking shit too. When you do something nice for someone why can’t they just say thank you why are they gonna make you feel bad for being nice to them? That’s a bunch of bullshit and if they say something to me like it now I do what I’m gonna do nasty. I say not anymore and I show them that I’m not too nice anymore.
People who are overly sensitive struggle with distorted thinking patterns and emotional dysregulation. They may blame others for their problems, shifting the responsibility of blame away from themselves. They are people who usually have high needs and are excellent manipulators.
I had a friend who was constantly gas-lighting me, until one day. I had offered to help her shoot a GoFundMe video, helped her write the script, brought the lights to her apartment, made her up and was directing the shoot. She started gaslighting me again, about the script which we co-wrote. I started to defend myself and then stopped and said, “ You know what? I’m done. I don’t want to do this.” I packed up my stuff and left. What I found odd was, she never asked what was wrong. She knew. I understood then why she would always talk about people ghosting her.
I was recently on the phone with my gaslighting sibling. I snapped and hang up the phone immediately when I recognised his gaslighting tactics. Have had no contact with him since then. Best decision made for my mental health.
EVERY time I get someone in my face saying abusive things, I always react. in the moment 'power phrases' seem to not come to mind. then afterwards, it dawns on me how effective those phrases could be. Some day, I'll implement them. It's a challenge to stand up for myself.
Pagmatic, it's a challenge for all of us. It might help to go over these in your mind and prepare for the next challenge. Practice makes all the difference.
Agree!! I am grateful the Universe answered my prayer of help by choosing Dan's video. Wisdom, humor empathy. Reminded me to refocus. Use appropriate corporate language instead of previous profession , head bartender language. It took 7yrs before I struggled with language in response. THANK YOU Dan!
Noooo…we definitely should not succumb to the hate culture. You do so much to help those of us who struggle to deal with the ugliness. Most of the time I’m so shocked by how rude or mean people can be that I’m speechless or I react. I love your scripts. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
My mother sister son and daughter are all raging narcissists. It runs in my family... my grandfather had it also. I became a child protection worker and really educated myself. Channels like this are very helpful for people. Setting boundaries takes a ton of practice when you are surrounded. don't give up people.. practice practice practice.
@@camellia8625 anyone can be narcissistic to a certain degree some more than others but narcissistic personality disorder is a specific illness with a very specific set of behaviors. It is an inherited illness or personality disorder
I wish we were neighbors, we could vent on this over coffee every week ☕. I gotta believe at some point they'll Get what they've always dished out in a significant way🤞👍
Hi Dan, the guru of negotiation, Herb Cohen, used to say "A tactic revealed is no tactic at all." Works with gaslighters, sales people who pressure you etc. So one approach is to simply state their tactic: "Are you saying xyz to try to make me feel x?" or"I can see that you're trying to ...". Another devastating tactic is to laugh at the attacker. It induces shame and shame is a powerful negative emotion. They'll hate you for it, but heck, they attacked you first, so who cares? So you can simply smile and say: "Jane/John, you're so funny. You make me laugh." which sort of deflects the criticism or hurtful remark and leaves them wondering what is it about them that invokes derision or laughter.
Excellento!!! Nothing to add!! BTW, my mother uses the laugh one because you are correct==it not only shuts the other person down mindfully, but it makes them reluctant to try again.
My husband tried to blame me for an area of his life that he was neglecting. At first I was shocked. Then I realized it was so ridiculous and I laughed and laughed so hard. That was the best way to handle it because it shut him right down.
Here’s what you should do: DO NOT RESPOND! When u notice the gaslighting, walk away. Anything you say is fuel! The only way to stop it, it to grey rock
@@DillyDallyDiane-t8s I totally agree. They are expecting you to respond and they are hoping that you react with emotion. They feel powerful that way. Grey rock with a smile.
My old supervisor was the queen of gaslighting workplace bullies. Your channel was invaluable to me in combating that evil individual, until she was finally removed by the company. REAL advice and it works!
Your old supervisor has a twin who's not a supervisor but a micromanager with lots of ambition to be a supervisor. I deal with this all the time and I'm looking for another job because of it.
@@Ag.317 Unfortunately they didn't recognize what she was doing, or at the very least didn't care. This boss was removed for stealing from the company. Believe me; she got away with being a vile workplace bully for YEARS.
The worst thing is that they actively seek out agreeable people who generally get on with everyone because we are a threat to their fragile egoes. I think women are the worst. At least with a male narcissist, he might think; “ah well, this person is actually quite beneficial for the project/ company objectives so I’ll leave her in peace” whereas female narcissists in the workplace will often be preoccupied with irrelevant shit like where I bought my shoes, why I have lips and she doesn’t etc
Boy you got that right? The son of a bitches keep crappy people and lose good people. I think that’s why a lot of people are doing gig jobs or working on their own now I think they’re tired of working for the man because of the way they’re treated.
My last 12 years of media work involved constant gaslighting by both boss and fellow employee. A very toxic environment. I wish I had read these responses at that time. Now in retirement, they give me hope that someone else can avoid the workplace problems that I accepted as ordinary.
I think you are phenomenal and I can not even begin to tell you how grateful I am for this video. The most consistent thing I've heard has been "Your crazy." and "You must have forgot."
Thank you for showing us how to buy time. Sometimes, I get verbally slapped and have trouble reacting appropriately, Figuring out what just happened is very difficult. Your observation is so true: It's often a premeditated attack.
After dealing with Narcissistic abuse over the better part of my lifetime, I've developed a tactic that I think works really well, at least for me and it's simple. I say to the "person"....."I'm sorry I'm not playing defence today." Then I either turn and walk away, turn and start a new discussion with a different person by asking them a question that requires an in depth answer, for example; Bill it's been so long, how are Sarah and the kids? What are they up to these days? Or I suddenly realize "I have to make a call" or use the ladies room, or check on something elsewhere. They are generally so shocked by the simple first statement "I'm sorry, I'm not playing defense today", that such simple statement coming from you puts them off guard because in saying that, essentially you're saying "I'm onto you and I'm not taking any shit from you today. If someone gives me crap in front of other people, I just let them spew, pull out a nail file and begin to smooth a nail or two (this buys me time), and when they've rattled on for a bit, or ranted. I remain calm and either ask if they are quite through? Like a child tantruming, or "man-truming" as I call it. I then either yawn, or say something like "well that was certainly an emotional dissertation, let me process and get back to you". Or I say " awkward" and then apologize on their behalf. "You'll have to excuse Aaron, he lacks communication skills and has trouble reading a room". Then leave the room. It isn't what happens, often it's how you respond to it that people will remember. Innocent bystanders don't want to feel uncomfortable because someone decides to be a douch. If you can put them back at "stand down" or at ease, they will realize who the jackass is, and respect you for not getting down in the mud with that person. And anyone who is so classless as to go for public humiliation.....well you need to "scorched earth policy them". This is a warning sign they'll do much worse down the road. They may need therapy, to find somewhere else to live or an exorcism.
My first memory of my abusive older sister was that I was 8 years old and hid the tape recorder in the cupboard. After school she would berate me when she got home. I took the tape recorder out and played for her what she had just said. She said “that’s not me, I didn’t say that” lol. It’s been an entire life of lies, disrespect, never ending smear campaign and I am the scapegoat. I cut off all communication from 99% of my family.
You were smart enough to hide a tape recorder in the cupboard and record the conversation--when you were EIGHT YEARS OLD? Your sister heard her own voice and denied it was her voice? Can you tell me--just for the hell of it--does she live in the U.S., and if so, is she affiliated with any political party or person??
Agreed, I hate the response that’s not what I said! When it is word for word…. If it’s “ Thats not what I meant …the. Please think about what you mean , before speaking ! I’m sorry you had to go through this with a sibling …
I needed you 10 years ago for sure. A Communal Narcissist boss came after me when I reported them for unethical behavior and they managed to wriggle out of it. I ended up resigning 6 months before they left the profession and with your help, I would have survived her. Instead I broke down after all her gaslighting and flying monkey posse attacks. I had no idea what was happening. Now I see it.
My reco is not to deal with them. Anyone with B Cluster traits is someone to avoid. They're not going to change. Don't feel guilty about setting boundaries and sticking to them. People might judge you, but you need to save yourself. Learn about narcissistic abuse from Lisa A. Romano and "Surviving a Borderline Parent" by Kimberlee Roth. ua-cam.com/users/lisaaromano1videos
Lots of great info on UA-cam. Narcissist disorders are considered a learned behavior usually from childhood trauma and no treatment will cure it. Have to look at the parents for sure. As Dr Phil states, this is why how you raise children is crucial. The coddling etc or opposite create these types of adults. I have a sibling who is one and now an elderly mother manilated by him and has some dementia and I don’t actually know who my mother is at this point. I believe that the dementia has also gave her narcissist traits. She hates me for no reason and my brother is isolating her while financially exploiting her. Pretty sad. I continue to report to agencies. They believe them as they are master manipulator.
In my experience they pretend you didn't call them out. They pretend YOU don't get it. They continue to say you are someone with some defeciency. You have a moral, social or intellectual defect. Or they will blow up. Which who knows. Maybe they're even just pretending to blow up? They will continue the behavior at a later date. Will pretend as though you've never even had the conversation prior. Sometimes it could be someone you've known for 20 years. They will act as if you've never even discussed anything... It's maddening but at the same time. Laughable. I know the person is aware of what they're doing, but I actually cope with it by just viewing them as delusional and cutting ties with them directly and permanently. Privately telling them to f*** off! Knowing that you cannot control the uncontrollable, You cannot win in the long game. Nor should you try to win or want to. Burn them with no contact. Certainly there will be blowback and collateral damage no matter what!!! But much better to get away from such a toxic person. Don't worry about what they think or might say to others. They've already been saying it. They've already been thinking it. There are some people who are so twisted that they can actually rationalize dehumanizing you. It's a real head. Spinner. I look at them and I have no pity. No love, no forgiveness no sympathy, no empathy. No fuel, no supply no nothing. People who behave this way are not even a human being. I view them as a literal demon walking around in human clothing. Cut ties immediately!
My mom has a way of saying things to belittle me. I've taken years of abuse and always tried to defend myself, until I started listening to your shows. Recently she decided to start bashing my Teen child. Furious that she would take to that, I simply said, " let me get this clear...then restated what she said, then said,I know you wouldn't possibly want to hurt my childs feelings, so how how would you as a parent these days improve my daughters situation." She said, well, I dont know. Teens are different now and its not the same as when I raised children" Im sure you have it all figured out." I Replied, thank you for your input. I greatly appreciate that you understand that we are in much different times with different circumstances and that raising teens are certainly a challenge in any generational time. We are doing the best we can and we appreciate any positive support offered. Life is challenging enough so I hope we can support eachother in healthy ways. She got up and left the table. Ha ha... win for us!
OMIGOD, kudos to you for remaining mindful and kind. If you can get a belittler to leave the scene, that is a win. Since she is your mother, I'm hoping she'll re-enter the scene with a different attitude--especially knowing you're not going to take it anymore.
My ex...Would start a sentence saying ...You won't remember this. I have set that straight now by telling him flat out "You don't know what I remember ..that's gaslighting, knock it off." I'm enjoying your responses! Thanks!
I was abused by my parents. As an adult my father told me me it had never happened, that it was all a figment of my imagination. I knew there was no point in arguing so I said nothing, but I thought, "I know what happened". I wish I had known about the broken record technique then. I would have used it. Alas I found out about three years after he died.
Thank you for making this content, I left a toxic workplace around 8 months ago, however while I was looking for a new job I had to deal with a gaslighter. Your advice really helps people :)
I had an astonishing gaslighting experience this week. I was hired for a new position recently with an agreement that my share of earnings from a service that I provide would be 40% (I'm a massage therapist). A couple of days ago, I had a corporate booking (8 hours of chair massage). At the end of the day I asked about my earnings (knowing what the client paid for our services) and was given a figure that was about 25% of the that amount. Both of the owners nonchalantly informed me that they were generously offering me 50% - and proceeded to explain how 50% of 50% - was 50%... and acting like I was stupid for telling them that 50% of 50% is 25%. I quit. There are some situations when all you can do is laugh, take the loss and the lesson and get as far away from that as possible. I'm keeping the whole ridiculous text thread as a reminder to myself that I need to remain self-employed.
I always have to 'walk'. It's too hard to do any job if the main 'order of business' every day is 'Lost - Office Version'. I'm like a jack of all trades now. Love you Dan💕
No matter how many times people try to do this to me, it still catches me off guard when somebody looks right at me and lies. As in, “we always put the soup here” when in reality, literally the day before the soup was not there… It was in a completely different place. But I’m trying to learn how to handle them because the snarkiness and giggles when they’re trying to gaslight me is honestly stomach-churning. At this point, I’m embarrassed FOR them, but I guess they don’t know that because they just keep trying the same trick over and over and over again as if it’s ever going to have different results. Oh well… I guess it’s their life they are wasting trying to convince me that up is down and down is up and the sky is purple and the grass is blue. Thankfully, their BS does not affect objective reality. 🤷🏻♀️
"There is nothing that we have to say that we can't say in a loving way" "That right there can create a miracle for you" "Are we clear? Thank you!" 😎💖🙌 Thank you for this strong, uplifting message. I hope you are feeling loved, too.
@@TheWizardOfWords yes! Beautiful Springers! Blessings to you and the pups Dan! I wouldn’t have survived the last few years of teaching without your wisdom. I retired as I couldn’t morally stay in a corrupt public school system that damaged children and adults. No idea what I’ll do next…
I said just this to a supervisor without even knowing how effective it would be. I had had a serious gaslighting experience with another supervisor within the organization before and didnt respond effectively, long story short, i promised myself I would never let that happen again and I didn't - great advice. So in love with your content, Dan
I had a boss tell me to do something and I did it. Then he checked my work and crumbled the paperwork up and degraded me in front of other supervisors then walked away. A second later he came back to finally explain why he did that. None of it made sense.
I think there are times when people are truly gaslighting someone else, but so often what I see called gaslighting is really a difference in prospective or that different people retain and remember things differently. There doesn't seem to be room any more to accept that how I remember an event may truly be different than how you remember it especially when emotions are so tied to memories or that the way I remember things may have or lack key context or background information. Sometimes people are truly gaslighting to manipulate another person, but sometimes the person who thinks they are being gaslit is actually unintentionally also gaslighting bc they are also trying to force their point of view on another. Sometimes we have to just agree to disagree about how an event really was. Sometimes if both parties is open to listening, they can both gain clarity and new understanding about an event. I see this all the time when I listen to my husband and his siblings discuss their childhood.
Yes, people see things differently and remember events differently. Gaslighting is deliberately calling into question another's recollection, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. It's not about families recalling family events differently.
There have been numerous times I revisited something and it wasn't what I remembered at all, the timing, context, why, or intention behind it were different than how I processed it.
@@Mithreniel that is exactly my point. I get that actual gaslighting exists and it is a deliberate attempt to manipulate others by convincing them that what they have seen, heard, or experienced is wrong. The thing is, we can't know someone else's intentions. You know for a fact if you are gaslighting, but too often what I hear people calling gaslighting by others may absolutely be a difference in prospective. Sometimes people assume melicious intent when there is none. Thank you for sharing that point.
i have found that when you DO -constructively- honor yourself/boundaries, call out their shit the way you exampled within the 'workplace' - which I have done- you get fired - "just not fitting in" /getting along etc. omfg. Gaslighting seems to be a requirement of "management" material now a day
@@TheWizardOfWords that's an understatement... however, another tool they use, is to keep you too poor to be able to leave...I had a child to feed, cloth, house as well... the nature of their games
My ex use to gaslight me all the time trying to manipulate my thoughts. He accused me of gaslighting. He yelled and screamed his gaslighting words and sentences. I figured it out needless to say bc he's an ex. I wish I would have found these videos prior to the relationship. But thanks you so much for your wonderful insight. You're words are so valuable to me.
Comments that I have experienced is "you are just SO overly sensitive" "I can't believe you took what I said in a negative way" "you have a tendency to make choices that are not best for our family" I make choices that are best for MY adult life have a successful career a loving marriage and a very fulfilling life because I have chosen to live it my way! My parents are in their 80's and I am in my mid 50's I do not solicit any of these opinions they were imposed on me until I called it all out and put my foot down so once again I have been ostracized and will be free to really enjoy my holidays with the people that I want to spend with and not people I feel "obligated" to be around. I have been SO stress free this year and for the first time in my life am actually looking forward to the holidays. Thank you so much for sharing this awesome video!
The manager of the program I work for is an outright bully. She is very quick and sharp tonged. I am relatively new (in a new field for me, a therapist) and still on a probationary period. She will literally contradict herself to try and make me wrong at all costs. Example: she will pressure me to discharge a patient at all costs, then when I say I am trying but only with in certain limits I am comfortable with, she will then say, “we can’t just discharge him like that and it’s not your choice anyway.” What? Then I am say something like “that’s what I have been saying” she will respond with “he has been here too long and we have given him options. He needs to go now” How do you deal with constant blatant outright contradictions? Trust me, it’s not as easy as calling her out directly. If I say the sky is blue she says it’s purple with silver polka dots. Gaslighter and a bully.
Yesterday, after an inappropriate joke on a national basis to which I had a negative reaction, the same person approached me and said: "I never meant to say anything disrespectful, you just misinterpreted everything, ok?" It was in a form of a question to gain a confirmation and alibi that "nothing ever happened"...
You are BRILLIANT!!!! Just found your channel a couple of weeks ago and you are changing the wiring in my brain and my conversations and responses. A million thank yous! PS I wish I’d had your “Are you having your period?” responses decades ago. OH MY GOSH 🤯 Much love & appreciation from South Africa 🇿🇦
I will do my best, Sarah. You bet it's getting worse. In U.S. politics, e.g., ugliness and sick comments and name-calling has been normalized. I'm not saying it WILL BE normalized. I'm saying that from my observations, it now is normalized. It has to be UN-normalized by civil, mindful people. That is just one example. People in business can give dozens more, and sadly in our personal lives we're often subjected to gaslighting to the extent that some gatherings become unbearable. It stops one person and one conversation at a time. It stops when you and I make it stop, and we can do that.
A few phrases I hear often: I didn't mean it that way I don't remember that See, you're overreacting It's not my problem you're so sensitive You need to be more clear So now I no longer engage in conversations in the same way. I either grey rock or use the broken record if I'm being attacked verbally, which is very effective when dealing with a narcissistic person. It deprives them of material to work with or paths to go down. It also helps you avoid defending yourself - whenever I try to defend myself it just provides them with more ammo. Using the broken record lets me remain calm while being assertive and reinforcing a boundary. When I did this at home recently they actually said, "why don't I get you a record player and you can put what you're saying on that." So they saw what I was doing but were unable to do anything about it. I got called "disrespectful" and that I had an "attitude", but I just kept repeating my point (which was "I need you to respect my personal space please). Eventually they gave up and started slamming doors etc.
I was talking about you to a friend today about your out of control wisdom and clever wit and sense of humor...I've been watching you off and on for awhile now and I think you are totally ICONIC. I really appreciate you..at 54 I feel like I am starting at ground zero on so many levels when it comes to dealing with difficult people. My distress tolerance ain't what it used to be haha...I'm starting with your "That may be" strategy with one person in particular and I already feel empowered. Anyway enough but thank you so much and Happy Holidays to you and yours ✌
roxy, thanks for writing. Fifty four is YOUNG, and if you need to learn new techniques for dealing with difficult people--you've come to the right place. Welcome aboard. If you need to take a deeper dive into training, go to danoconnortraining.com :)
Someone I knew and was friendly with recently invited me to brunch at a restaurant and said he had been appointed to ask me if I would run for an office and take the top position. They group involved had dysfunctional infighting and they thought I was impartial and could get things to run better. He then accidentally forwarded an email to me that the group was all in, on confirming this. And others alluded to it also. As the time approached they stopped talking to me about it. So I called him and he said they decided they needed to get to know me better first. After that conversation I realized how bad it was they didn't tell me they had changed their mind. (Nothing wrong with the ask, just the not telling me when it changed.) He was out of town so I emailed and told him that was a crappy thing to do to me. Then he replied that whoa, I was way off base, that he only casually mentioned that he alone thought it might be a good idea, but nothing like what I was saying. And he hoped he didn't have to be careful with everything he said now because I would misinterpret everything. I had said previously we should talk and try to get past this, so now he offered a time to talk, and I said "I'm happy to and I promise I will forgive and move on it you tell the truth and apologize, because we both know what happened. But if you're going to continue to gaslight me then don't bother." Then he claimed to not know what gaslighting was and denied even knowing about the restaurant. And the "tribe" joined in. The part I don't understand to this day is why he lied to begin with when there was no reason to.
I really appreciate you addressing this topic. I become a bit more empowered with every video of yours I watch & this one resonates in so many ways. I want to be a little funny at the end of the communication that makes the situation end in a smile and I'm being the change I want to see in the world.
my mother has labelled me mad, bad and sad because I tried to stand up to her. She instantly gives me the silent treatment to avoid discussion. I have stood firm in my interpretation of events over the last three years and she has portrayed herself as a more and more abused victim over the last three years, but has till refused point blank to communicate with me all of this time. I look crazier for not backing down. But I can't capitulate to her distorted version of events now. She. Hurt. Me. And I am not the perpetrator here.
Susan, sometimes you have to give a relationship what it lacks, and in this case it seems to me what it lacks is DISTANCE. You can love and be kind to your mother from a distance, rather than continuing to be around and put up with what you are describing as verbal abuse, ending with the worst of all--the silent treatment. I'm sure you'll be around if she truly NEEDS you. It appears now that she needs you around as a whipping girl.
Yes. I am so with you on this one. I stood up to my mom and my family when I was 32. I finally saw the light. It was an most likely always will be a the victim, perpetrator, rescuer triangulation. Also the black sheep, golden child scenario with this bunch. My mother and your mother seem similar. Once you see it though, you can’t unsee it. The abuse doesn’t have to keep going though. It can stop when you won’t allow it. I distance myself from it and am the scapegoat/black sheep. But, it is funny because now I am 45 and people are coming out of the woodwork in my family and recognizing that I wasn’t what I was painted as. I just opted out of the game. Cousins, nieces, aunts, uncles who have been targeted by my mom are now knowing how things got painted. Chin up. You teach people how to treat you. You didn’t deserve it, and you don’t have to swallow that pill. You are an adult now. You don’t have to just survive, thrive. It is the best revenge, live your best life.
OK, I have to tell you--77--I use my mother as an example and exaggerate for effect. She is a supportive, loving person who has been a positive influence my entire life. She's not perfect, but I love that about her. She has told me that sometimes my jokes go too far--not for HER, but for people watching my videos. Perhaps I should have listened. I talk to my mother almost daily, and dread the day I make that call and she's not there to answer. My brother and I consider ourselves truly blessed to have had two sets of extraordinary grandparents, as well as loving parents who accept(ed) (my father has died) us for who we are. I've misled too many people for too long about my mother and now==the cat is out of the bag. Of course she did bug me when I was in third grade and kept confusing whether with weather on spelling tests. THAT OLD BAG! But now I know the difference, and can spell ophthalmologist to boot. So THANKS MOM.
@@TheWizardOfWords ah. I was answering that to Susan. And I know you were joking about your mom. I have followed your channel for a long time, it just started popping up on my feed again. All good! I love your humor and wit! Keep it coming! You don’t have to apologize at all! 😊
I appreciate this video. My mother wasn't ill for a day when she was pregnant with me, and one of the consequences of having won the genetic lottery is that I fall into the uncanny valley so the human rights I have are the human rights I compel others to give me. My in-laws have taken it upon themselves--and taken turns encouraging each other--to gaslight me as a form of entertainment (my niece excepted). My husband has always apologized for them, despite doing the same things to me himself, and has informed me that he will never allow me to visit them again, but it wasn't until my father-in-law died that I ever got to see my husband telling one of them (my mother-in-law) to stop trying to gaslight me. My in-laws are wonderful people, and it's a shame that they behave so unethically that the world could objectively arguably be a better place without them in it, at least from my perspective. I've seen them do wonderful things when forced to do so by society, and it's a shame that they lack the self-discipline to behave ethically of their own volition and the education to understand that others' feelings about a person have more to do with how they treat others than with any accomplishments they achieve. I'm old enough to have made peace with the fact that over half of the people I'm related to and love don't realize that I'm a real human being. But when one of them tries to torture the doll in their head wearing my name tag they're really trying to hurt me, and I have an ethical obligation to myself as much as to my ancestors to be assertive because no amount of looking like I'm naturally too perfect to be human makes me not a human being and as such entitled to basic human rights.
I listened to this after sending pointed questions to a colleague and being told I left them speechless. This was IMO gaslighting strategy to avoid the questions. Thank you for the tips. I will be using the please repeat NO I do not agree. 😅
Gaslighting is done by a certain personality type, and some people were aware of this before the term “gaslighting” was invented, but this information was suppressed by this personality type. So it is awesome that people like yourself are getting this info out to the general public. Only secretly toxic personalities will give argue with that. Very well done.
Focus on the behavior, and don’t fall for reacting in the way that person expects you to - people unconsciously do & say what they do & say because it has worked for them their entire life (like Greg Hartley says, ‘the organism does what made the organism successful’), so when you don’t react in the way they’re used to seeing how people react to their behavior, it shocks & confuses them.
I just want to say thank you!I have a very narcissistic aunt who is very wealthy and influential and she is the self titled matriarch of the family.She hijacks birthdays, holidays etc commandeering our forced presence at these events not for us to enjoy but to put us to work whilst she gets her nails done in the next room, entertains guests and bullying us whilst we slave away getting all the food done and the preparation.When we aren’t able to hide how we feel and present to her as less than excited about her party, she becomes crazed and aggressive and starts insulting us, calling us fat, ungrateful and stupid.When we remain silent out of fear of how she will respond, she goes into full victim behaviour saying how she looks after all of us and does everything for us and how she’s a widow having to do everything by herself-shaming us and making us feel guilty for not being excited or happy.She is very domineering and used to bullying and winning and keeps getting away with it.We all remain quite as she has done so much for us and we are grateful but her behaviour and words are hurtful and make us not want to be part of her life. How do we deal with this and stop this gruesome ordeal?
The people who gaslight me regularly, this is working!!! I thought I heard you say ……? Am I right or could you repeat that? The look on their faces or the gaslight text after the regular two weeks of silence is hilarious. They still do their gaslight and silent treatment, but keeping my composure is throwing them off and they are leaving me alone slowly but surely. “ I don’t know exactly what I really did to you to upset you? If you’re ignoring me I guess you know where to find me.” I replied the truth , not explaining myself but just said I’m not mad, not sure why you’re making a big deal about this?” Haven’t heard from her in 3 weeks. So happy I found your video, I’ve subscribed and going through yours for more empowering tips!!
Every week I was doing yoga with a woman who I felt dislike me. After yoga we the students would do social. This person would constantly cut me off in conversation, change subject and turn to someone else and ask a question. After 2 months I got the chance to confront her publicly and it felt really good.
@@marymaystrali1956 i cut her off and said right there that I had enough if her cutting me off and acting like a jerk. That she has a serious problem. She said what are you talking about. I answered, don’t you dare gaslight me, I will not stand for it. What is wrong with you. She didn’t know what to say after that. She said well I don’t know what to do or say. Oh now you are asking me what to do? Just do you (weak and stupiid) and I do me do me, (strong and confident). She stood up and left.
I own a Home inspection business with my husband. He is the home inspector and then I do everything else including all the office work the marketing the scheduling answering phones. I have a neighbor that likes to put me down. He would say things like like you don't work you're always out out shopping Craig's the one that works. Or something to that effect. I was the one that was always out spending money money and not really working. He was always very dismissive on anything I did. It drove me crazy! It's like sure, the business just automatically comes in all by itself! We don't have anything to do with them anymore.
I deal with this one all the time honey. My husband and I own two businesses. He is an electrician and we have Airbnb rentals and horse boarding. Sure he is the electrician, and sure he has some mad building skills and we were able to build together our houses we rent out. But if we were not a team, we would not be where we are at. Ignore all the hate. It just isn’t worth the drama. I get asked all the time what I do. I tell them. “We are business owners.” And give them a smile. If they poke more, and they do….I say, “I am the boss, and Michael does all the work.” And I give them a great big grin. Pay the normies no mind. They don’t get it and who cares. Meet other couples who share a business. They get it.
Someone did say those kind of things to me in the past, "you're over sensitive", "it's your menstrual cycle", etc. I responded "so, you really think being sensitive is bad? And being ignorant is good? Poor you", "so, you think it's all because of the menstrual cycle? Then how do you explain your behavior? Is it also because of menstrual cycle?" (He's a man) lol
new to channel, it's fantastic! Am a lone female in a manual labor job so survival skills need to be creative. Have run the gamut from using outragous humor to shame a screaming Boss, to reminding them "a predator never gives warning" & accepting their comment "I'm not scared of you" as a compliment. (misinterpreted Mom-Face) The most fun is stopping verbal insanity by using whichever logical fallacy applies. Such as "Aren't you cute! Using logical fallacy the appeal to authority to bolster your feels!! Not sure that giving away your authority to make a ridiculous comment was the way to go? But keep trying you'll get it right eventually!!" It never hurts to remind out of bounds Boss /Coworker they've underestimated you again. Am loving the "Sorry I'm not playing defense today" comment down below. Thank you for helping people with toxic bosses. Workplaces are such a unnecessary minefield.
I do what I can to help, Xr, and I know the difficulties women in the workplace experience every day. And I'm sure a "lone female in a manual labor job" faces many many challenges from the various men in the workplace.
Gaslighters attack your integrity and often your very humanity. They diminish your very right to exist as an autonomous human being, with a right to do your job without abuse, bullying or marginalization. Gaslighters could be actually murdering you, 😂 and somehow it’s twisted, and they don’t hesitate to express their utter hatred of you and label you and attempt to diminish you. I left a position because I chose my self respect, and reclaimed my right to end abject abuse. I’ve learned, to assess a situation carefully before blindly trusting any workplace. Dan, you are so right. People can be spoken to with love. It increases positive feelings, receptivity to ideas and others, and creates a productive safe work environment. Sending you light especially at the loss of your Dad. I hope your with healing understanding people.
I binge watched you last year. So glad you found me again. I can't thank you enough for making sense of the crazy I live with and the tools to call it out. Your humor and content are priceless🙏❤❤❤
You are the BEST! YOU REALLY HAVE A FINGER ON THE PULSE of the hostile work environment we find today. We have to confront this corporate fascist mentality and expose it. You're absolutely right.
My wife of 14 yrs, always says the following: “what are you talking about?(even though I was very clear) “or before I can get to finish my thought she will interject and say the following: “I am sorry, you don’t know how to communicate so I can understand you” That’s just a few things to mention but I am currently in a mental state I can’t trust anyone because she would get to my friends and then put me on speaker and then provoke me by saying the following: “you’re obviously having trouble understanding me and what I am saying” and then say the following: “ I am sorry you don’t know how to communicate with people” I established my boundaries but she continues to cross my boundaries and I am scared to get a divorce. How do I get the courage to finally let go and get a divorce?
How about "But Mom, I am no longer a kid. That makes our recollections and analytical abilities even now, doesn't it??" Also, an understanding of what happened is one thing; a recollection is another. She is probably conflating the two in order to get the upper hand?
Would you like my mother's email? She'd be hysterical (with laughter), since I'm sure that she believes one of me is WAY MORE than enough. And I thought I was an easy kid to raise. She says she's going to write a book on the topic, and I should read it.
Hello Dan How do you get younger looking all the time. I enjoy your videos and you make me laugh when I’m going through difficult times. My favorite sayings Your CRAZY I didn’t say that You need help Your imaging things No one likes you Your so dramatic You have issues That didn’t happen You made me do that I heard this all throughout my marriages and dating other men. There is so many more phrases lol I understand when people project the negative bs on me they are telling me about who they really are. Like you say don’t respond and don’t defend yourself. Thanks and take care
Lyssa77, you seem to be managing all that garbage quite well. So the question remains, how do I maintain my eternal youth. THEY'RE CALLED FILTERS and they're wonderful for videos, wouldn't you say? :) :) :). My mother says it amounts to false advertising, but what does she know--she's a gaslighter. hahahahaha. (I know she reads these.)
I was at work and I was told there's a certain code were supposed to go out of the building for. So when this code came on one of the bosses told me oh that's only for customers cuz I asked them what to do cuz I was like are we supposed to go out. And they said no it was only for customers. So after the alarm turn off and she came back she asked me "why weren't you out there everybody was out there." She's told me "know what that was my bad." and I was like "no no that was not your fault." and she's like "no no that was my bad." Cuz I was a little shocked and confused and I didn't understand what was going on. Because prior to that alarm she wanted me to clean the glass that looked outside. So that everybody saw me cleaning the while everybody was outside. That was something else.
My brother will react defensively and joke in a passive-aggressive way; when I apologize for hurting him, he tells me I did not say anything that bothered him. As a therapist, I feel like I should know how to deal with this but when it comes to my brother, I feel so powerless. It does feel like gaslighting.
Since it's your brother, and you want to maintain a relationship with him, you might just spotlight his behavior when it's passive-aggressive (masked in humor) and let it go at that. I'm guessing that he won't accept an apology because he doesn't want to acknowledge that he cares what you say or do and that your words do affect him. I'd try "When you attempt that type of mocking humor, I just accept it because I love you. Plain and simple. If you feel you need to keep it up, go for it." I wouldn't explain any further and if necessary I would use "It's OK; go for it; I can take it" as the broken record.
I chose to not tell someone about me getting a job and then felt guilt and shame for feeling like I had wronged this person in some way. She also went on so calmly to ask me why I kept it a secret and I felt like she was twisting the truth while putting me on trial and so I told her that she is assuming it was a secret and secrets come with a conscious intention which was not the case with what happened. I felt so gaslit with so much self doubt.
Tell this person it was a private matter you didn't wish to share. You do not have to share details about your life if you choose not to do so. She characterized it as a "secret." There is NO NEED for you to follow suit.
I agree with you about the level of gaslighting. I think it takes some skill to get through it, and I think the work that you do is so helpful. I use a lot of it. And it does work. I worked out the broken record is brilliant for misdirections, gaslighting and word salad. Keep talking in the same tone if people interrupt you. There was another video of yours I watched the other day which was really helpful and it was for people who gaslight you and I found it really helpful in the situation where the person gaslighting is a subordinate. I'm a teacher and I'm finding that kids gaslight. I don't mean just ordinary kid behaviour. I mean seriously trying to make the teacher think that what happened didn't happen. Your video said to use this language 'I believe that you believe that happened. However, I understand...do you understand'. This is brilliant when the person gaslighting is at work but they're a subordinate. When I say subordinate I don't mean kids don't deserve respect, they do, but sometimes we need to set boundaries, but in a professional way when you are supposed to be the authority figure. So the words to say are tricky, but also the power dynamics are tricky as well. If you challenge a gaslighter in this indirect, direct way, they do stop.
My co worker said to me at my group home I work at. "Are you serving them spaghetti?" It was her look of disgust that pissed me off. When she cooks rice, no seasoning and a little chopped chicken. She's an itch-bay from ell-hay.
I need a miracle. I’ve heard so many times this week, no that’s not true or I thought we already talked about this. I’ve been there two months and she checks out instead of training me. The other phrases are the ones you mentioned in the first few minutes. People avoid her and she locks herself in the office. It’s an energy suck to be around someone like that. Ugh they make you feel like it’s a crazy circus and they get others on board the train too. Thanks for the tips and insights. Feeling like I can take my power back
I refused to respond to a narc manager when accused of nonsense eg ( it was embarrassing to listen to other area managers talk about “what happened to this store” I asked what has happened? She stated “ the figures” I went over the figures, showing that the whole country was down and ours was nowhere near the bottom… she retorted with , You are so defensive. I responded with” no, just factual” . She walked away. I eventually stepped down and moved to another store. It was not healthy , she then left a few months later .
My husband's "friend " has always stared at me inappropriately and made comments about my appearance. At one point, he "patted" my rear-end. I have had 2 years of therapy and no longer want to deal with being objectified. He responded by claiming he never meant to come across that way. He also conveniently can't remember the physical contact or simulating oral sex when only I could see. He makes me sick.
I had a narcissist direct report who said to me more than once after making a thinly veiled insult, “But you know that about yourself. Surely many people have told you.” I had no idea how to respond. It felt like a “when did you stop beating your wife?” question.
Crystal, that assumptive close is one of the worst and most cowardly. Trying to give a non-valid point validity by using others as authorities. I hope you're ready if that or anything like it happens again.
Crystal Strader I was so relieved to hear that someone in addition to me has had a direct report engaging in this gaslighting and toxic communication. It's not so much that misery loves company, but it's validating to see that this kind of toxic behavior can go in both directions. It's usually the "toxic boss", or perhaps it's the toxic employee that "flips the script" and makes it look like the communication problem is with their boss when it actually isn't. That IS a major feature of gaslighting. I've read up on "upward bullying" and even referred to it in my company's employee handbook. The employee is otherwise trustworthy and does her job well. The problem is how she communicates with me, the company's director. Dan's scripts have made the connection between the behavior and what to actually do about it. It's been 5 months since you wrote your post. I hope things have been better for you.
omg I love this!! "over reacting"... yes I might get upset but I know what I saw, heard, happened ect... "too sensitive" I also get the "not how it happened, not what I meant, not what was intended" "are you on your period" "well, I wasn't but now there might be blood"d
I tested a potential covert narc that im sure now pretends to like me. But its important to her to feel superior to me. I'm kinda independent and rouge..so I complimented myself in front of her..she immediately said no I don't think thats it..ok so now I'm gonna block her covert jabs by bringing up something positive about myself. Gotta stay focused on the goals these people are hilarious how smart they think they are
Another remarkable and practical video, Dan! Thank you for your hard work and dedication, you are very much appreciated! I was so happy to hear the first phrase because I was recently in a similar situation where I was told I didn't say what I in fact did say and my natural response was to say exactly what you shared here. It was just what came out without me even knowing this. I believe it was a natural response to being in integrity with myself and thinking from that place. It is true what you shared here, there is no need to keep justifying with long answers and explanations when you know your truth. Thank you, Dan
You're more than welcome, Delgado, and kudos to you for having the right response at hand. I agree that if you are attuned to yourself it is easier to know what to say. Having said that--it's always good to keep brushing up and practice the responses you KNOW you'll need with certain difficult people.
@@TheWizardOfWords I'm in complete agreement with you, hence why I keep coming back to your videos 😊 would you consider making a video on how to respond to others/family members' comments or questions about your physical appearance in gatherings!? I'm aware you have many videos on responding to rude questions or comments but I would like to know how to respond specifically to those comments. Wether good or bad they can be very uncomfortable at times! Thank you!!!
You have responded to all the comments!!! I'm impressed 😃 Thank you for this video!!! My husband gaslights me so much I had to get skin grafts ;) I have a psychologist I'm working with who is very helpful but having videos like this as a resource, accessible anytime, is invaluable. So thank you, thank you!!! 😊
My husband always says (after I make an original statement): "You got that out of a book. You read that somewhere." As if I can't come up with my own original thoughts.
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I call these biggies blowtorching: when someone talks over, even shouts so loudly you can't be heard then doesn't give the other a chance to speak & the other biggie: when I don't agree I'm finding fault with their opinion. Please answer this!!
I am so sick of being told I am "overly sensitive" from people who have no compassion, sympathy or understanding others....and yet they are the most aggressive gaslighters.
Exactly I agree 100%!!!
One comment I hate is when I'm told "You're too nice".
Yeah, I hate that fucking shit too. When you do something nice for someone why can’t they just say thank you why are they gonna make you feel bad for being nice to them? That’s a bunch of bullshit and if they say something to me like it now I do what I’m gonna do nasty. I say not anymore and I show them that I’m not too nice anymore.
People who are overly sensitive struggle with distorted thinking patterns and emotional dysregulation. They may blame others for their problems, shifting the responsibility of blame away from themselves. They are people who usually have high needs and are excellent manipulators.
I had a friend who was constantly gas-lighting me, until one day. I had offered to help her shoot a GoFundMe video, helped her write the script, brought the lights to her apartment, made her up and was directing the shoot. She started gaslighting me again, about the script which we co-wrote. I started to defend myself and then stopped and said, “ You know what? I’m done. I don’t want to do this.”
I packed up my stuff and left.
What I found odd was, she never asked what was wrong. She knew.
I understood then why she would always talk about people ghosting her.
I was recently on the phone with my gaslighting sibling. I snapped and hang up the phone immediately when I recognised his gaslighting tactics. Have had no contact with him since then. Best decision made for my mental health.
Avoid these Shit Heads.😂. Family or Not.
Sometimes a relationship needs distance. Love him from a distance.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thank you, Dan. I will follow your advice.
. Thank you.@@TheWizardOfWords my therapist literally said this.
@@jt5792 what did he do say you used them? I'm nauseous got to go folks.I had one dr gaslight the entire staff so he could go asking in colorado
EVERY time I get someone in my face saying abusive things, I always react. in the moment 'power phrases' seem to not come to mind. then afterwards, it dawns on me how effective those phrases could be. Some day, I'll implement them.
It's a challenge to stand up for myself.
Pagmatic, it's a challenge for all of us. It might help to go over these in your mind and prepare for the next challenge. Practice makes all the difference.
Dan is like the best friend or family member I wish I had. You're awesome Dan! Thank you for all your help ❤️
Consider me your friend, CoCo Puffs. Absolutely.
I do wish Dan was my brother ! He is such a fantastic communicator.
@@sharondoan1447 And funny as heck... And loyal. And loving. ♡
Agree!! I am grateful the Universe answered my prayer of help by choosing Dan's video. Wisdom, humor empathy. Reminded me to refocus. Use appropriate corporate language instead of previous profession , head bartender language. It took 7yrs before I struggled with language in response. THANK YOU Dan!
I would Pay Dan to back me up against my blood relatives. Not kidding, Only an expert could handle them; They are why I'm here!
Noooo…we definitely should not succumb to the hate culture. You do so much to help those of us who struggle to deal with the ugliness. Most of the time I’m so shocked by how rude or mean people can be that I’m speechless or I react. I love your scripts. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
You are welcome, Kathleen.
My mother sister son and daughter are all raging narcissists. It runs in my family... my grandfather had it also. I became a child protection worker and really educated myself. Channels like this are very helpful for people. Setting boundaries takes a ton of practice when you are surrounded. don't give up people.. practice practice practice.
Victoria, you have nailed it. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.
I wonder if the inclination to be narcissistic is genetic
@@camellia8625 anyone can be narcissistic to a certain degree some more than others but narcissistic personality disorder is a specific illness with a very specific set of behaviors. It is an inherited illness or personality disorder
@@camellia8625 it’s learned
I wish we were neighbors, we could vent on this over coffee every week ☕. I gotta believe at some point they'll Get what they've always dished out in a significant way🤞👍
Hi Dan, the guru of negotiation, Herb Cohen, used to say "A tactic revealed is no tactic at all." Works with gaslighters, sales people who pressure you etc. So one approach is to simply state their tactic: "Are you saying xyz to try to make me feel x?" or"I can see that you're trying to ...".
Another devastating tactic is to laugh at the attacker. It induces shame and shame is a powerful negative emotion. They'll hate you for it, but heck, they attacked you first, so who cares? So you can simply smile and say: "Jane/John, you're so funny. You make me laugh." which sort of deflects the criticism or hurtful remark and leaves them wondering what is it about them that invokes derision or laughter.
Excellento!!! Nothing to add!! BTW, my mother uses the laugh one because you are correct==it not only shuts the other person down mindfully, but it makes them reluctant to try again.
My husband tried to blame me for an area of his life that he was neglecting. At first I was shocked. Then I realized it was so ridiculous and I laughed and laughed so hard. That was the best way to handle it because it shut him right down.
I love these videos about gaslighting Dan. They are so important and helpful. Responding to narcissists is one of the most challenging things for me.
I'll keep putting these out until we've all put the necessary tools in our arsenals :)
Pamela, that's what we're working on. After you handle one snarky comment mindfully, the next will be easier ;)
@@TheWizardOfWords Thank you Dan! You are a Godsend gift!
Here’s what you should do: DO NOT RESPOND! When u notice the gaslighting, walk away. Anything you say is fuel! The only way to stop it, it to grey rock
@@DillyDallyDiane-t8s I totally agree. They are expecting you to respond and they are hoping that you react with emotion. They feel powerful that way. Grey rock with a smile.
My old supervisor was the queen of gaslighting workplace bullies. Your channel was invaluable to me in combating that evil individual, until she was finally removed by the company. REAL advice and it works!
You are very, very lucky your company recognized what this supervisor was doing and removed her. Most companies do not.
Your old supervisor has a twin who's not a supervisor but a micromanager with lots of ambition to be a supervisor. I deal with this all the time and I'm looking for another job because of it.
@@Ag.317 Unfortunately they didn't recognize what she was doing, or at the very least didn't care. This boss was removed for stealing from the company. Believe me; she got away with being a vile workplace bully for YEARS.
The worst thing is that they actively seek out agreeable people who generally get on with everyone because we are a threat to their fragile egoes. I think women are the worst. At least with a male narcissist, he might think; “ah well, this person is actually quite beneficial for the project/ company objectives so I’ll leave her in peace” whereas female narcissists in the workplace will often be preoccupied with irrelevant shit like where I bought my shoes, why I have lips and she doesn’t etc
Boy you got that right? The son of a bitches keep crappy people and lose good people. I think that’s why a lot of people are doing gig jobs or working on their own now I think they’re tired of working for the man because of the way they’re treated.
My last 12 years of media work involved constant gaslighting by both boss and fellow employee. A very toxic environment. I wish I had read these responses at that time. Now in retirement, they give me hope that someone else can avoid the workplace problems that I accepted as ordinary.
That's the goal, Fred--to change the global dialogue, one conversation at a time.
I think you are phenomenal and I can not even begin to tell you how grateful I am for this video.
The most consistent thing I've heard has been "Your crazy." and "You must have forgot."
Thank you for showing us how to buy time. Sometimes, I get verbally slapped and have trouble reacting appropriately, Figuring out what just happened is very difficult. Your observation is so true: It's often a premeditated attack.
After dealing with Narcissistic abuse over the better part of my lifetime, I've developed a tactic that I think works really well, at least for me and it's simple. I say to the "person"....."I'm sorry I'm not playing defence today."
Then I either turn and walk away, turn and start a new discussion with a different person by asking them a question that requires an in depth answer, for example; Bill it's been so long, how are Sarah and the kids? What are they up to these days? Or I suddenly realize "I have to make a call" or use the ladies room, or check on something elsewhere. They are generally so shocked by the simple first statement "I'm sorry, I'm not playing defense today", that such simple statement coming from you puts them off guard because in saying that, essentially you're saying "I'm onto you and I'm not taking any shit from you today.
If someone gives me crap in front of other people, I just let them spew, pull out a nail file and begin to smooth a nail or two (this buys me time), and when they've rattled on for a bit, or ranted. I remain calm and either ask if they are quite through? Like a child tantruming, or "man-truming" as I call it. I then either yawn, or say something like "well that was certainly an emotional dissertation, let me process and get back to you". Or I say " awkward" and then apologize on their behalf. "You'll have to excuse Aaron, he lacks communication skills and has trouble reading a room". Then leave the room. It isn't what happens, often it's how you respond to it that people will remember. Innocent bystanders don't want to feel uncomfortable because someone decides to be a douch. If you can put them back at "stand down" or at ease, they will realize who the jackass is, and respect you for not getting down in the mud with that person. And anyone who is so classless as to go for public humiliation.....well you need to "scorched earth policy them". This is a warning sign they'll do much worse down the road. They may need therapy, to find somewhere else to live or an exorcism.
Some very empowering responses Lori - - without reducing yourself to their level - - kudos
I am not playing defence today - What a wonderful reply.
Lmao ❤️
Love your reactions! Thanks for sharing. It could get an award for best responses, ever! 😉👍❤
My first memory of my abusive older sister was that I was 8 years old and hid the tape recorder in the cupboard. After school she would berate me when she got home. I took the tape recorder out and played for her what she had just said. She said “that’s not me, I didn’t say that” lol. It’s been an entire life of lies, disrespect, never ending smear campaign and I am the scapegoat. I cut off all communication from 99% of my family.
You were smart enough to hide a tape recorder in the cupboard and record the conversation--when you were EIGHT YEARS OLD? Your sister heard her own voice and denied it was her voice? Can you tell me--just for the hell of it--does she live in the U.S., and if so, is she affiliated with any political party or person??
@@TheWizardOfWords 😂😂😂
Agreed, I hate the response that’s not what I said! When it is word for word….
If it’s “ Thats not what I meant …the. Please think about what you mean , before speaking !
I’m sorry you had to go through this with a sibling …
I needed you 10 years ago for sure. A Communal Narcissist boss came after me when I reported them for unethical behavior and they managed to wriggle out of it. I ended up resigning 6 months before they left the profession and with your help, I would have survived her. Instead I broke down after all her gaslighting and flying monkey posse attacks. I had no idea what was happening. Now I see it.
Hopefully you're better prepared, should you ever face a person like that again.
I would love to hear more training on dealing with narcissists. Scripts like yours are gold!!!
Your wish will be granted, SleeperNo1-- :)
My reco is not to deal with them. Anyone with B Cluster traits is someone to avoid. They're not going to change. Don't feel guilty about setting boundaries and sticking to them. People might judge you, but you need to save yourself. Learn about narcissistic abuse from Lisa A. Romano and "Surviving a Borderline Parent" by Kimberlee Roth. ua-cam.com/users/lisaaromano1videos
Lots of great info on UA-cam. Narcissist disorders are considered a learned behavior usually from childhood trauma and no treatment will cure it. Have to look at the parents for sure. As Dr Phil states, this is why how you raise children is crucial. The coddling etc or opposite create these types of adults. I have a sibling who is one and now an elderly mother manilated by him and has some dementia and I don’t actually know who my mother is at this point. I believe that the dementia has also gave her narcissist traits. She hates me for no reason and my brother is isolating her while financially exploiting her. Pretty sad. I continue to report to agencies. They believe them as they are master manipulator.
Yes they are ☺️ my goodness he does it so well
In my experience they pretend you didn't call them out. They pretend YOU don't get it. They continue to say you are someone with some defeciency. You have a moral, social or intellectual defect. Or they will blow up. Which who knows. Maybe they're even just pretending to blow up? They will continue the behavior at a later date. Will pretend as though you've never even had the conversation prior. Sometimes it could be someone you've known for 20 years. They will act as if you've never even discussed anything... It's maddening but at the same time. Laughable. I know the person is aware of what they're doing, but I actually cope with it by just viewing them as delusional and cutting ties with them directly and permanently. Privately telling them to f*** off! Knowing that you cannot control the uncontrollable, You cannot win in the long game. Nor should you try to win or want to. Burn them with no contact. Certainly there will be blowback and collateral damage no matter what!!! But much better to get away from such a toxic person. Don't worry about what they think or might say to others. They've already been saying it. They've already been thinking it. There are some people who are so twisted that they can actually rationalize dehumanizing you. It's a real head. Spinner. I look at them and I have no pity. No love, no forgiveness no sympathy, no empathy. No fuel, no supply no nothing. People who behave this way are not even a human being. I view them as a literal demon walking around in human clothing. Cut ties immediately!
My father wasn't gaslighting me but he was making fun of me and I calmly said," stop stop stop stop until he finally did. To my surprise it worked.
My mom has a way of saying things to belittle me. I've taken years of abuse and always tried to defend myself, until I started listening to your shows. Recently she decided to start bashing my Teen child. Furious that she would take to that, I simply said, " let me get this clear...then restated what she said, then said,I know you wouldn't possibly want to hurt my childs feelings, so how how would you as a parent these days improve my daughters situation." She said, well, I dont know. Teens are different now and its not the same as when I raised children" Im sure you have it all figured out." I Replied, thank you for your input. I greatly appreciate that you understand that we are in much different times with different circumstances and that raising teens are certainly a challenge in any generational time. We are doing the best we can and we appreciate any positive support offered. Life is challenging enough so I hope we can support eachother in healthy ways. She got up and left the table. Ha ha... win for us!
OMIGOD, kudos to you for remaining mindful and kind. If you can get a belittler to leave the scene, that is a win. Since she is your mother, I'm hoping she'll re-enter the scene with a different attitude--especially knowing you're not going to take it anymore.
My ex...Would start a sentence saying ...You won't remember this. I have set that straight now by telling him flat out "You don't know what I remember ..that's gaslighting, knock it off." I'm enjoying your responses! Thanks!
I was abused by my parents. As an adult my father told me me it had never happened, that it was all a figment of my imagination. I knew there was no point in arguing so I said nothing, but I thought, "I know what happened". I wish I had known about the broken record technique then. I would have used it. Alas I found out about three years after he died.
Thank you for making this content, I left a toxic workplace around 8 months ago, however while I was looking for a new job I had to deal with a gaslighter. Your advice really helps people :)
Thanks, Grace. This is the first of many videos on the topic. Next will be a live show.
When is the live show?
I had an astonishing gaslighting experience this week. I was hired for a new position recently with an agreement that my share of earnings from a service that I provide would be 40% (I'm a massage therapist). A couple of days ago, I had a corporate booking (8 hours of chair massage). At the end of the day I asked about my earnings (knowing what the client paid for our services) and was given a figure that was about 25% of the that amount. Both of the owners nonchalantly informed me that they were generously offering me 50% - and proceeded to explain how 50% of 50% - was 50%... and acting like I was stupid for telling them that 50% of 50% is 25%. I quit. There are some situations when all you can do is laugh, take the loss and the lesson and get as far away from that as possible.
I'm keeping the whole ridiculous text thread as a reminder to myself that I need to remain self-employed.
Thanks for sharing that story. I agree; there is no coming back from that. There is only leaving.
I always have to 'walk'. It's too hard to do any job if the main 'order of business' every day is 'Lost - Office Version'. I'm like a jack of all trades now. Love you Dan💕
No matter how many times people try to do this to me, it still catches me off guard when somebody looks right at me and lies. As in, “we always put the soup here” when in reality, literally the day before the soup was not there… It was in a completely different place. But I’m trying to learn how to handle them because the snarkiness and giggles when they’re trying to gaslight me is honestly stomach-churning. At this point, I’m embarrassed FOR them, but I guess they don’t know that because they just keep trying the same trick over and over and over again as if it’s ever going to have different results. Oh well… I guess it’s their life they are wasting trying to convince me that up is down and down is up and the sky is purple and the grass is blue. Thankfully, their BS does not affect objective reality. 🤷🏻♀️
"There is nothing that we have to say that we can't say in a loving way"
"That right there can create a miracle for you"
"Are we clear? Thank you!"
😎💖🙌
Thank you for this strong, uplifting message.
I hope you are feeling loved, too.
i am feeling loved and thank you for your loving message.
So glad I spend my holidays with my pets that love unconditionally.
Hahaha, trust me. I get it. Have you met Maggie and Buddy?? :)
@@TheWizardOfWords yes! Beautiful Springers! Blessings to you and the pups Dan! I wouldn’t have survived the last few years of teaching without your wisdom. I retired as I couldn’t morally stay in a corrupt public school system that damaged children and adults. No idea what I’ll do next…
Best wishes in the next chapter, Nancy :)
After I respond to the gaslighter they say, “Are you okay” like someone is wrong with me. I am so sick of this!!!🤬😡🤯
I said just this to a supervisor without even knowing how effective it would be. I had had a serious gaslighting experience with another supervisor within the organization before and didnt respond effectively, long story short, i promised myself I would never let that happen again and I didn't - great advice. So in love with your content, Dan
dan... hearing you say 'bullshit' was my cup of coffee today
I had a boss tell me to do something and I did it. Then he checked my work and crumbled the paperwork up and degraded me in front of other supervisors then walked away. A second later he came back to finally explain why he did that. None of it made sense.
I think there are times when people are truly gaslighting someone else, but so often what I see called gaslighting is really a difference in prospective or that different people retain and remember things differently. There doesn't seem to be room any more to accept that how I remember an event may truly be different than how you remember it especially when emotions are so tied to memories or that the way I remember things may have or lack key context or background information. Sometimes people are truly gaslighting to manipulate another person, but sometimes the person who thinks they are being gaslit is actually unintentionally also gaslighting bc they are also trying to force their point of view on another. Sometimes we have to just agree to disagree about how an event really was. Sometimes if both parties is open to listening, they can both gain clarity and new understanding about an event. I see this all the time when I listen to my husband and his siblings discuss their childhood.
Yes, people see things differently and remember events differently. Gaslighting is deliberately calling into question another's recollection, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. It's not about families recalling family events differently.
This is important to say and I hope more people see your comment
There have been numerous times I revisited something and it wasn't what I remembered at all, the timing, context, why, or intention behind it were different than how I processed it.
@@Mithreniel that is exactly my point. I get that actual gaslighting exists and it is a deliberate attempt to manipulate others by convincing them that what they have seen, heard, or experienced is wrong. The thing is, we can't know someone else's intentions. You know for a fact if you are gaslighting, but too often what I hear people calling gaslighting by others may absolutely be a difference in prospective. Sometimes people assume melicious intent when there is none. Thank you for sharing that point.
Thank you Dan. I’m learning a lot, so grateful. Now I need to practice! I feel your loving concern for your audience, you are loved too.
Thanks, Heidi. I feel the love :)
"Are we clear? Thank you." THE END. Your succinct, take-charge delivery of that made me giggle. 😊
😁
i have found that when you DO -constructively- honor yourself/boundaries, call out their shit the way you exampled within the 'workplace' - which I have done- you get fired - "just not fitting in" /getting along etc. omfg. Gaslighting seems to be a requirement of "management" material now a day
It sounds as though it actually wasn't the right place for you??
@@TheWizardOfWords that's an understatement... however, another tool they use, is to keep you too poor to be able to leave...I had a child to feed, cloth, house as well... the nature of their games
...a miracle is a shift in perception!🎯
Wow Dan! What a revelation! Thank you!🙏
My ex use to gaslight me all the time trying to manipulate my thoughts. He accused me of gaslighting. He yelled and screamed his gaslighting words and sentences. I figured it out needless to say bc he's an ex. I wish I would have found these videos prior to the relationship. But thanks you so much for your wonderful insight. You're words are so valuable to me.
Comments that I have experienced is "you are just SO overly sensitive" "I can't believe you took what I said in a negative way" "you have a tendency to make choices that are not best for our family" I make choices that are best for MY adult life have a successful career a loving marriage and a very fulfilling life because I have chosen to live it my way! My parents are in their 80's and I am in my mid 50's I do not solicit any of these opinions they were imposed on me until I called it all out and put my foot down so once again I have been ostracized and will be free to really enjoy my holidays with the people that I want to spend with and not people I feel "obligated" to be around. I have been SO stress free this year and for the first time in my life am actually looking forward to the holidays. Thank you so much for sharing this awesome video!
You sound as though you have things under control, Susan :)
The manager of the program I work for is an outright bully. She is very quick and sharp tonged. I am relatively new (in a new field for me, a therapist) and still on a probationary period. She will literally contradict herself to try and make me wrong at all costs. Example: she will pressure me to discharge a patient at all costs, then when I say I am trying but only with in certain limits I am comfortable with, she will then say, “we can’t just discharge him like that and it’s not your choice anyway.” What? Then I am say something like “that’s what I have been saying” she will respond with “he has been here too long and we have given him options. He needs to go now” How do you deal with constant blatant outright contradictions? Trust me, it’s not as easy as calling her out directly.
If I say the sky is blue she says it’s purple with silver polka dots. Gaslighter and a bully.
Yesterday, after an inappropriate joke on a national basis to which I had a negative reaction, the same person approached me and said: "I never meant to say anything disrespectful, you just misinterpreted everything, ok?" It was in a form of a question to gain a confirmation and alibi that "nothing ever happened"...
You are BRILLIANT!!!! Just found your channel a couple of weeks ago and you are changing the wiring in my brain and my conversations and responses. A million thank yous! PS I wish I’d had your “Are you having your period?” responses decades ago. OH MY GOSH 🤯
Much love & appreciation from South Africa 🇿🇦
“That might be but” is also a game changer. I need a T-shirt with that on!
Say, that's not a bad idea; maybe I should be producing them!
Oh my gosh. You're right about too many people being rude, cruel narc. Narc used to mean something different.
It has many meanings, Elizabethan, especially here in Mexico :)
@@TheWizardOfWords 😅
I agree. It's not ok and it's getting bigger. Keep up on this. Its important. I really think you have something here.
I will do my best, Sarah. You bet it's getting worse. In U.S. politics, e.g., ugliness and sick comments and name-calling has been normalized. I'm not saying it WILL BE normalized. I'm saying that from my observations, it now is normalized. It has to be UN-normalized by civil, mindful people. That is just one example. People in business can give dozens more, and sadly in our personal lives we're often subjected to gaslighting to the extent that some gatherings become unbearable. It stops one person and one conversation at a time. It stops when you and I make it stop, and we can do that.
A few phrases I hear often:
I didn't mean it that way
I don't remember that
See, you're overreacting
It's not my problem you're so sensitive
You need to be more clear
So now I no longer engage in conversations in the same way. I either grey rock or use the broken record if I'm being attacked verbally, which is very effective when dealing with a narcissistic person. It deprives them of material to work with or paths to go down. It also helps you avoid defending yourself - whenever I try to defend myself it just provides them with more ammo.
Using the broken record lets me remain calm while being assertive and reinforcing a boundary. When I did this at home recently they actually said, "why don't I get you a record player and you can put what you're saying on that." So they saw what I was doing but were unable to do anything about it. I got called "disrespectful" and that I had an "attitude", but I just kept repeating my point (which was "I need you to respect my personal space please). Eventually they gave up and started slamming doors etc.
Well done!
As Maia said--well done! Don't you just love that record, and you understand its purpose well :)
What is the broken record method?
I was talking about you to a friend today about your out of control wisdom and clever wit and sense of humor...I've been watching you off and on for awhile now and I think you are totally ICONIC. I really appreciate you..at 54 I feel like I am starting at ground zero on so many levels when it comes to dealing with difficult people. My distress tolerance ain't what it used to be haha...I'm starting with your "That may be" strategy with one person in particular and I already feel empowered. Anyway enough but thank you so much and Happy Holidays to you and yours ✌
roxy, thanks for writing. Fifty four is YOUNG, and if you need to learn new techniques for dealing with difficult people--you've come to the right place. Welcome aboard. If you need to take a deeper dive into training, go to danoconnortraining.com :)
“ That may be, but…” are brilliant words. Dan is a genius.
Someone I knew and was friendly with recently invited me to brunch at a restaurant and said he had been appointed to ask me if I would run for an office and take the top position. They group involved had dysfunctional infighting and they thought I was impartial and could get things to run better. He then accidentally forwarded an email to me that the group was all in, on confirming this. And others alluded to it also. As the time approached they stopped talking to me about it. So I called him and he said they decided they needed to get to know me better first. After that conversation I realized how bad it was they didn't tell me they had changed their mind. (Nothing wrong with the ask, just the not telling me when it changed.) He was out of town so I emailed and told him that was a crappy thing to do to me. Then he replied that whoa, I was way off base, that he only casually mentioned that he alone thought it might be a good idea, but nothing like what I was saying. And he hoped he didn't have to be careful with everything he said now because I would misinterpret everything. I had said previously we should talk and try to get past this, so now he offered a time to talk, and I said "I'm happy to and I promise I will forgive and move on it you tell the truth and apologize, because we both know what happened. But if you're going to continue to gaslight me then don't bother." Then he claimed to not know what gaslighting was and denied even knowing about the restaurant. And the "tribe" joined in. The part I don't understand to this day is why he lied to begin with when there was no reason to.
I really appreciate you addressing this topic. I become a bit more empowered with every video of yours I watch & this one resonates in so many ways. I want to be a little funny at the end of the communication that makes the situation end in a smile and I'm being the change I want to see in the world.
Way to go, Valentine. Be the change you seek, and you'll help change the global dialogue one conversation at a time.
Lol I love love LOVE the bad acid trip response! I'm going to be using that one🤣🤣🤣
my mother has labelled me mad, bad and sad because I tried to stand up to her. She instantly gives me the silent treatment to avoid discussion. I have stood firm in my interpretation of events over the last three years and she has portrayed herself as a more and more abused victim over the last three years, but has till refused point blank to communicate with me all of this time. I look crazier for not backing down. But I can't capitulate to her distorted version of events now. She. Hurt. Me. And I am not the perpetrator here.
Susan, sometimes you have to give a relationship what it lacks, and in this case it seems to me what it lacks is DISTANCE. You can love and be kind to your mother from a distance, rather than continuing to be around and put up with what you are describing as verbal abuse, ending with the worst of all--the silent treatment. I'm sure you'll be around if she truly NEEDS you. It appears now that she needs you around as a whipping girl.
Yes. I am so with you on this one. I stood up to my mom and my family when I was 32. I finally saw the light. It was an most likely always will be a the victim, perpetrator, rescuer triangulation. Also the black sheep, golden child scenario with this bunch. My mother and your mother seem similar. Once you see it though, you can’t unsee it. The abuse doesn’t have to keep going though. It can stop when you won’t allow it. I distance myself from it and am the scapegoat/black sheep. But, it is funny because now I am 45 and people are coming out of the woodwork in my family and recognizing that I wasn’t what I was painted as. I just opted out of the game. Cousins, nieces, aunts, uncles who have been targeted by my mom are now knowing how things got painted. Chin up. You teach people how to treat you. You didn’t deserve it, and you don’t have to swallow that pill. You are an adult now. You don’t have to just survive, thrive. It is the best revenge, live your best life.
OK, I have to tell you--77--I use my mother as an example and exaggerate for effect. She is a supportive, loving person who has been a positive influence my entire life. She's not perfect, but I love that about her. She has told me that sometimes my jokes go too far--not for HER, but for people watching my videos. Perhaps I should have listened. I talk to my mother almost daily, and dread the day I make that call and she's not there to answer. My brother and I consider ourselves truly blessed to have had two sets of extraordinary grandparents, as well as loving parents who accept(ed) (my father has died) us for who we are. I've misled too many people for too long about my mother and now==the cat is out of the bag. Of course she did bug me when I was in third grade and kept confusing whether with weather on spelling tests. THAT OLD BAG! But now I know the difference, and can spell ophthalmologist to boot. So THANKS MOM.
@@TheWizardOfWords ah. I was answering that to Susan. And I know you were joking about your mom. I have followed your channel for a long time, it just started popping up on my feed again. All good! I love your humor and wit! Keep it coming! You don’t have to apologize at all! 😊
I appreciate this video. My mother wasn't ill for a day when she was pregnant with me, and one of the consequences of having won the genetic lottery is that I fall into the uncanny valley so the human rights I have are the human rights I compel others to give me.
My in-laws have taken it upon themselves--and taken turns encouraging each other--to gaslight me as a form of entertainment (my niece excepted). My husband has always apologized for them, despite doing the same things to me himself, and has informed me that he will never allow me to visit them again, but it wasn't until my father-in-law died that I ever got to see my husband telling one of them (my mother-in-law) to stop trying to gaslight me.
My in-laws are wonderful people, and it's a shame that they behave so unethically that the world could objectively arguably be a better place without them in it, at least from my perspective. I've seen them do wonderful things when forced to do so by society, and it's a shame that they lack the self-discipline to behave ethically of their own volition and the education to understand that others' feelings about a person have more to do with how they treat others than with any accomplishments they achieve.
I'm old enough to have made peace with the fact that over half of the people I'm related to and love don't realize that I'm a real human being. But when one of them tries to torture the doll in their head wearing my name tag they're really trying to hurt me, and I have an ethical obligation to myself as much as to my ancestors to be assertive because no amount of looking like I'm naturally too perfect to be human makes me not a human being and as such entitled to basic human rights.
It's so hard when it's people close to you.... I really need to try some of these!!
I listened to this after sending pointed questions to a colleague and being told I left them speechless. This was IMO gaslighting strategy to avoid the questions.
Thank you for the tips. I will be using the please repeat NO I do not agree. 😅
Gaslighting is done by a certain personality type, and some people were aware of this before the term “gaslighting” was invented, but this information was suppressed by this personality type. So it is awesome that people like yourself are getting this info out to the general public. Only secretly toxic personalities will give argue with that. Very well done.
Thanks, Edwin.
Yes, they are called Narcissists, who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Wow 😮 where have you been my whole retail career. You’re an breath of fresh air. Thank you, I so needed this.
I'm right here and I will be here tomorrow as well and hopefully many tomorrows. Together let's spread the words.
Focus on the behavior, and don’t fall for reacting in the way that person expects you to - people unconsciously do & say what they do & say because it has worked for them their entire life (like Greg Hartley says, ‘the organism does what made the organism successful’), so when you don’t react in the way they’re used to seeing how people react to their behavior, it shocks & confuses them.
I just want to say thank you!I have a very narcissistic aunt who is very wealthy and influential and she is the self titled matriarch of the family.She hijacks birthdays, holidays etc commandeering our forced presence at these events not for us to enjoy but to put us to work whilst she gets her nails done in the next room, entertains guests and bullying us whilst we slave away getting all the food done and the preparation.When we aren’t able to hide how we feel and present to her as less than excited about her party, she becomes crazed and aggressive and starts insulting us, calling us fat, ungrateful and stupid.When we remain silent out of fear of how she will respond, she goes into full victim behaviour saying how she looks after all of us and does everything for us and how she’s a widow having to do everything by herself-shaming us and making us feel guilty for not being excited or happy.She is very domineering and used to bullying and winning and keeps getting away with it.We all remain quite as she has done so much for us and we are grateful but her behaviour and words are hurtful and make us not want to be part of her life. How do we deal with this and stop this gruesome ordeal?
My mil is exactly the same way, except she's not rich.
The people who gaslight me regularly, this is working!!! I thought I heard you say ……? Am I right or could you repeat that? The look on their faces or the gaslight text after the regular two weeks of silence is hilarious. They still do their gaslight and silent treatment, but keeping my composure is throwing them off and they are leaving me alone slowly but surely. “ I don’t know exactly what I really did to you to upset you? If you’re ignoring me I guess you know where to find me.” I replied the truth , not explaining myself but just said I’m not mad, not sure why you’re making a big deal about this?” Haven’t heard from her in 3 weeks. So happy I found your video, I’ve subscribed and going through yours for more empowering tips!!
Welcome, J L :)
Dan, you are PHENOMENAL!!!!!! Thank youuuuu for ALL that you do! You are a lifesaver!!!!
Dan I am taking you with me when i get ready to deal with those A-holes.
Every week I was doing yoga with a woman who I felt dislike me. After yoga we the students would do social. This person would constantly cut me off in conversation, change subject and turn to someone else and ask a question. After 2 months I got the chance to confront her publicly and it felt really good.
What did you tell her? Or how? Have almost the same problem
@@marymaystrali1956 i cut her off and said right there that I had enough if her cutting me off and acting like a jerk. That she has a serious problem. She said what are you talking about. I answered, don’t you dare gaslight me, I will not stand for it. What is wrong with you. She didn’t know what to say after that. She said well I don’t know what to do or say. Oh now you are asking me what to do? Just do you (weak and stupiid) and I do me do me, (strong and confident). She stood up and left.
@@elyse-cathrinebisson2787Bravo! Very helpfull, thanks!
I own a Home inspection business with my husband. He is the home inspector and then I do everything else including all the office work the marketing the scheduling answering phones. I have a neighbor that likes to put me down. He would say things like like you don't work you're always out out shopping Craig's the one that works. Or something to that effect. I was the one that was always out spending money money and not really working. He was always very dismissive on anything I did. It drove me crazy! It's like sure, the business just automatically comes in all by itself! We don't have anything to do with them anymore.
I deal with this one all the time honey. My husband and I own two businesses. He is an electrician and we have Airbnb rentals and horse boarding. Sure he is the electrician, and sure he has some mad building skills and we were able to build together our houses we rent out. But if we were not a team, we would not be where we are at. Ignore all the hate. It just isn’t worth the drama. I get asked all the time what I do. I tell them. “We are business owners.” And give them a smile. If they poke more, and they do….I say, “I am the boss, and Michael does all the work.” And I give them a great big grin. Pay the normies no mind. They don’t get it and who cares. Meet other couples who share a business. They get it.
As the child of parents who owned and managed a real estate firm--I get it and you're right 77--ignore the foolish comments.
You might simply have responded "Yeah, neighbor. Ain't life grand!"
@@TheWizardOfWords love it! Good one!
@@77Tadams thank you!
Someone did say those kind of things to me in the past, "you're over sensitive", "it's your menstrual cycle", etc. I responded "so, you really think being sensitive is bad? And being ignorant is good? Poor you", "so, you think it's all because of the menstrual cycle? Then how do you explain your behavior? Is it also because of menstrual cycle?" (He's a man) lol
Gutsy answers--appropriate in this instance :)
new to channel, it's fantastic! Am a lone female in a manual labor job so survival skills need to be creative. Have run the gamut from using outragous humor to shame a screaming Boss, to reminding them "a predator never gives warning" & accepting their comment "I'm not scared of you" as a compliment. (misinterpreted Mom-Face) The most fun is stopping verbal insanity by using whichever logical fallacy applies. Such as "Aren't you cute! Using logical fallacy the appeal to authority to bolster your feels!! Not sure that giving away your authority to make a ridiculous comment was the way to go? But keep trying you'll get it right eventually!!" It never hurts to remind out of bounds Boss /Coworker they've underestimated you again.
Am loving the "Sorry I'm not playing defense today" comment down below. Thank you for helping people with toxic bosses. Workplaces are such a unnecessary minefield.
I do what I can to help, Xr, and I know the difficulties women in the workplace experience every day. And I'm sure a "lone female in a manual labor job" faces many many challenges from the various men in the workplace.
@@TheWizardOfWords Appreciate you took the time to reply, very kind. Thank You!
Gaslighters attack your integrity and often your very humanity.
They diminish your very right to exist as an autonomous human being, with a right to do your job without abuse, bullying or marginalization.
Gaslighters could be actually murdering you, 😂 and somehow it’s twisted, and they don’t hesitate to express their utter hatred of you and label you and attempt to diminish you.
I left a position because I chose my self respect, and reclaimed my right to end abject abuse.
I’ve learned, to assess a situation carefully before blindly trusting any workplace.
Dan, you are so right. People can be spoken to with love. It increases positive feelings, receptivity to ideas and others, and creates a productive safe work environment.
Sending you light especially at the loss of your Dad.
I hope your with healing understanding people.
I binge watched you last year. So glad you found me again. I can't thank you enough for making sense of the crazy I live with and the tools to call it out. Your humor and content are priceless🙏❤❤❤
You are the BEST! YOU REALLY HAVE A FINGER ON THE PULSE of the hostile work environment we find today. We have to confront this corporate fascist mentality and expose it. You're absolutely right.
My wife of 14 yrs, always says the following: “what are you talking about?(even though I was very clear) “or before I can get to finish my thought she will interject and say the following: “I am sorry, you don’t know how to communicate so I can understand you”
That’s just a few things to mention but I am currently in a mental state I can’t trust anyone because she would get to my friends and then put me on speaker and then provoke me by saying the following: “you’re obviously having trouble understanding me and what I am saying” and then say the following: “ I am sorry you don’t know how to communicate with people”
I established my boundaries but she continues to cross my boundaries and I am scared to get a divorce. How do I get the courage to finally let go and get a divorce?
"you were just a kid, I was an adult. So I have a better understanding of what happened." My mom says that to me. It's very irritating.
How about "But Mom, I am no longer a kid. That makes our recollections and analytical abilities even now, doesn't it??" Also, an understanding of what happened is one thing; a recollection is another. She is probably conflating the two in order to get the upper hand?
Dan, Can I just say... your content is GOLD and totally makes my day. I tuned into your channel a week ago and am an avid fan. Thank you.
Thank you Julia, and I hope you'll press the notification button as well as the "join" button to become a member of my YT channel :)
Oh my gosh! such good information and great tools for me to use with my gaslighting family member. Thank you, Dan!
I just love you ... I am sending your channel to everyone!!! Thank you for your unique gift of teaching the best comebacks to asshole comments :)
Well I do my best, Susan :)
@@TheWizardOfWords and you were a complete master at it. Keep it up man. The world needs more YOU's
Would you like my mother's email? She'd be hysterical (with laughter), since I'm sure that she believes one of me is WAY MORE than enough. And I thought I was an easy kid to raise. She says she's going to write a book on the topic, and I should read it.
Hello Dan
How do you get younger looking all the time. I enjoy your videos and you make me laugh when I’m going through difficult times.
My favorite sayings
Your CRAZY
I didn’t say that
You need help
Your imaging things
No one likes you
Your so dramatic
You have issues
That didn’t happen
You made me do that
I heard this all throughout my marriages and dating other men.
There is so many more phrases lol
I understand when people project the negative bs on me they are telling me about who they really are.
Like you say don’t respond and don’t defend yourself.
Thanks and take care
Lyssa77, you seem to be managing all that garbage quite well. So the question remains, how do I maintain my eternal youth. THEY'RE CALLED FILTERS and they're wonderful for videos, wouldn't you say? :) :) :). My mother says it amounts to false advertising, but what does she know--she's a gaslighter. hahahahaha. (I know she reads these.)
You wear those filters well, Dan
I was at work and I was told there's a certain code were supposed to go out of the building for. So when this code came on one of the bosses told me oh that's only for customers cuz I asked them what to do cuz I was like are we supposed to go out. And they said no it was only for customers. So after the alarm turn off and she came back she asked me "why weren't you out there everybody was out there." She's told me "know what that was my bad." and I was like "no no that was not your fault." and she's like "no no that was my bad." Cuz I was a little shocked and confused and I didn't understand what was going on. Because prior to that alarm she wanted me to clean the glass that looked outside. So that everybody saw me cleaning the while everybody was outside. That was something else.
My brother will react defensively and joke in a passive-aggressive way; when I apologize for hurting him, he tells me I did not say anything that bothered him.
As a therapist, I feel like I should know how to deal with this but when it comes to my brother, I feel so powerless. It does feel like gaslighting.
Since it's your brother, and you want to maintain a relationship with him, you might just spotlight his behavior when it's passive-aggressive (masked in humor) and let it go at that. I'm guessing that he won't accept an apology because he doesn't want to acknowledge that he cares what you say or do and that your words do affect him. I'd try "When you attempt that type of mocking humor, I just accept it because I love you. Plain and simple. If you feel you need to keep it up, go for it." I wouldn't explain any further and if necessary I would use "It's OK; go for it; I can take it" as the broken record.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks Dan 🙂
I chose to not tell someone about me getting a job and then felt guilt and shame for feeling like I had wronged this person in some way. She also went on so calmly to ask me why I kept it a secret and I felt like she was twisting the truth while putting me on trial and so I told her that she is assuming it was a secret and secrets come with a conscious intention which was not the case with what happened. I felt so gaslit with so much self doubt.
Tell this person it was a private matter you didn't wish to share. You do not have to share details about your life if you choose not to do so. She characterized it as a "secret." There is NO NEED for you to follow suit.
I agree with you about the level of gaslighting. I think it takes some skill to get through it, and I think the work that you do is so helpful. I use a lot of it. And it does work. I worked out the broken record is brilliant for misdirections, gaslighting and word salad. Keep talking in the same tone if people interrupt you. There was another video of yours I watched the other day which was really helpful and it was for people who gaslight you and I found it really helpful in the situation where the person gaslighting is a subordinate. I'm a teacher and I'm finding that kids gaslight. I don't mean just ordinary kid behaviour. I mean seriously trying to make the teacher think that what happened didn't happen. Your video said to use this language 'I believe that you believe that happened. However, I understand...do you understand'. This is brilliant when the person gaslighting is at work but they're a subordinate. When I say subordinate I don't mean kids don't deserve respect, they do, but sometimes we need to set boundaries, but in a professional way when you are supposed to be the authority figure. So the words to say are tricky, but also the power dynamics are tricky as well. If you challenge a gaslighter in this indirect, direct way, they do stop.
I taught at the middle school level--way back in the day, Nicky--about 20 years ago. I get it :)
I totally admire you! It seems like you know exactly what kind of people I am dealing with lol are they all the same? Hilarious!
One gaslighting phrase is well everyone misunderstands sometimes. What helps me are these phrases
Oh my. Stuck between limbo and hell. Oh my. So funny so real!!!! I’m gonna use that. ...
My co worker said to me at my group home I work at. "Are you serving them spaghetti?" It was her look of disgust that pissed me off. When she cooks rice, no seasoning and a little chopped chicken. She's an itch-bay from ell-hay.
Next time you might say "Yes, that is my choice." No further discussion needed.
I need a miracle. I’ve heard so many times this week, no that’s not true or I thought we already talked about this. I’ve been there two months and she checks out instead of training me. The other phrases are the ones you mentioned in the first few minutes. People avoid her and she locks herself in the office. It’s an energy suck to be around someone like that. Ugh they make you feel like it’s a crazy circus and they get others on board the train too. Thanks for the tips and insights. Feeling like I can take my power back
You can take back your power. And I hope I can be of help.
I refused to respond to a narc manager when accused of nonsense eg ( it was embarrassing to listen to other area managers talk about “what happened to this store” I asked what has happened? She stated “ the figures” I went over the figures, showing that the whole country was down and ours was nowhere near the bottom… she retorted with , You are so defensive.
I responded with” no, just factual” . She walked away. I eventually stepped down and moved to another store. It was not healthy , she then left a few months later .
I think your response of "No, just factual," was spot-on. Clear, mindful--not in the least defensive.
I love you !!! New subscriber!!!!!! I have a family member that is a mental health professional that does this all the time.
Yes, kind of like "Physician, heal thyself." And you desperately wish they WOULD.
How appropriate. Gaslighting being the word of the year, this year. Long time consumer of your work. Thanks for the upload ❤
You're welcome Sami.
My husband's "friend " has always stared at me inappropriately and made comments about my appearance. At one point, he "patted" my rear-end. I have had 2 years of therapy and no longer want to deal with being objectified. He responded by claiming he never meant to come across that way. He also conveniently can't remember the physical contact or simulating oral sex when only I could see. He makes me sick.
Good stuff Dan. Your tactics are pure GOLD, sir thank you!❤
You are most welcome, fisher.
Your always do that.
Changing the scenario of how it really happened.
Just changing things around to confuse 😕
Got it. I love anything followed by "you always." Generalizations rarely shed light.
My gaslighter keeps repeating "It's you, not me" as if that's going to change my mind.
Dan you are like a god for me.god may bless and give you big success.
I had a narcissist direct report who said to me more than once after making a thinly veiled insult, “But you know that about yourself. Surely many people have told you.” I had no idea how to respond. It felt like a “when did you stop beating your wife?” question.
Crystal, that assumptive close is one of the worst and most cowardly. Trying to give a non-valid point validity by using others as authorities. I hope you're ready if that or anything like it happens again.
"Gosh, did you mean that as rudely as it sounded?
@@TheWizardOfWords I'd like to hear an example of a valid response in this situation
Crystal Strader I was so relieved to hear that someone in addition to me has had a direct report engaging in this gaslighting and toxic communication. It's not so much that misery loves company, but it's validating to see that this kind of toxic behavior can go in both directions. It's usually the "toxic boss", or perhaps it's the toxic employee that "flips the script" and makes it look like the communication problem is with their boss when it actually isn't. That IS a major feature of gaslighting. I've read up on "upward bullying" and even referred to it in my company's employee handbook. The employee is otherwise trustworthy and does her job well. The problem is how she communicates with me, the company's director. Dan's scripts have made the connection between the behavior and what to actually do about it. It's been 5 months since you wrote your post. I hope things have been better for you.
omg I love this!!
"over reacting"... yes I might get upset but I know what I saw, heard, happened ect...
"too sensitive"
I also get the "not how it happened, not what I meant, not what was intended"
"are you on your period"
"well, I wasn't but now there might be blood"d
😂
Alabaster--I think you got this :)
You are hilarious and at the same time teaching us, you are blessed!! I love how you can have comebacks for these aholes.
Oh gosh, "I never said that " RIGHT AFTER they just said it and all i did was repeat it as a question! 🤦🏼♀️😂
I've taken some time to think over the content of this video, I love your mind.♥️
I tested a potential covert narc that im sure now pretends to like me. But its important to her to feel superior to me. I'm kinda independent and rouge..so I complimented myself in front of her..she immediately said no I don't think thats it..ok so now I'm gonna block her covert jabs by bringing up something positive about myself. Gotta stay focused on the goals these people are hilarious how smart they think they are
Another remarkable and practical video, Dan! Thank you for your hard work and dedication, you are very much appreciated! I was so happy to hear the first phrase because I was recently in a similar situation where I was told I didn't say what I in fact did say and my natural response was to say exactly what you shared here. It was just what came out without me even knowing this. I believe it was a natural response to being in integrity with myself and thinking from that place. It is true what you shared here, there is no need to keep justifying with long answers and explanations when you know your truth. Thank you, Dan
You're more than welcome, Delgado, and kudos to you for having the right response at hand. I agree that if you are attuned to yourself it is easier to know what to say. Having said that--it's always good to keep brushing up and practice the responses you KNOW you'll need with certain difficult people.
@@TheWizardOfWords I'm in complete agreement with you, hence why I keep coming back to your videos 😊 would you consider making a video on how to respond to others/family members' comments or questions about your physical appearance in gatherings!? I'm aware you have many videos on responding to rude questions or comments but I would like to know how to respond specifically to those comments. Wether good or bad they can be very uncomfortable at times! Thank you!!!
Delgado, I'll try to get that done before the holidays.
@@TheWizardOfWords You are the best! I appreciate you.
You have responded to all the comments!!! I'm impressed
😃
Thank you for this video!!! My husband gaslights me so much I had to get skin grafts ;)
I have a psychologist I'm working with who is very helpful but having videos like this as a resource, accessible anytime, is invaluable. So thank you, thank you!!! 😊
My husband always says (after I make an original statement): "You got that out of a book. You read that somewhere." As if I can't come up with my own original thoughts.