When they storm out and walkout, I’m assuming storming out is leaving amidst an agreement whereas walking I’m assuming to be disappearing for a bit amidst a conversation, be it for obligatory reasons or otherwise. Does anyone think that is the wrong interpretation?
What about if your partner does as much as they can to help like house work, childcare and bringing in the money. Now that person only react in a bad tone or something "bad" because that person belittles you or says nasty stuff by projecting. How do you tackle that?
Abandonment is a huge one. Personally, my biggest trigger is someone not standing up for me. As I kid I was abused & nobody said/did anything about it. As an adult when I don't stand up for myself & the person I trust doesn't say anything I immediately feel small & worthless. It's something I've been working on for a long time.
4 months late bud but here goes. I was diagnosed with BPD that comes with dominant traits leading to violence. I was a shy passive kid, I always looked to people to stand up for me, even close friends later in life and no one ever really did. My point is today I'm still shy, but no way in any sort am I passive. As a fellow Borderline, you have the raw energy to stand up to many who bully you. See if you can tap into that energy sometime, not everybody is going to have your back because from my own experience (not speaking for everyone just me incase there's any smart asses to view this in future) people are cowards. They romanticise the idea of having your back, but when you turn or have an episode they're crawling back into themselves and regretting ever saying anything while flustering a whole boats worth of bile as to why they can't help you or have your back when you just simply need a friend to talk to let alone have someone beside you in a fight. I honestly don't know what else to say, it's 7am and I'm extremely tired. But J B if you ever see this, from one stranger to another but of the same mental issue you can do this. DON'T EVER LET ANYONE FUCK WITH YOU JB! YOU HAVE THE F'ING FIRE, LET THEM FEEL IT! (I Capitalise to emphasise my passion) Hopefully one day you'll find that fire and feed it to your bullys. Take care JB, I wish you all the best.
My brother is the same way, what is something you think helps for someone to say to help you feel like they are standing up for you? For example- my brother can get really upset about some things that are not realistic and cannot be done with our circumstances, so when we don’t agree with him I feel as if he feels we aren’t with him/ or are against him. So I am just curious as to what I can say to make him not feel like we are against him but to also let him know that what he wants is not realistic. If that makes any sense!
being unheard, dismissed, or misunderstood is my biggest trigger. especially if someone isn’t an active listener and not responding even just a “i understand why that would upset you/whatever feeling” or “i would be upset about that too”
I don't like that we feel or are treated this way but it is nice to know that there are people who can understand my torment. I so wish I had this type of resource when I was younger. Maybe I could have been "fixed"
Tone is a huge one for me. If I’m talking to someone and they have even the slightest upset/mad tone in something they say I immediately think “I must have said something to upset them” and I over analyze the hell out of it.
I'm so sensitive to abandonment and rejection. If people don't like me or are annoyed by me or disgusted by me it freaks me out. I'm trying to recover from addiction right now but the emotional pain inside is unthinkable.
Yeah that's awful. I had to give up the weed it was killing me more then helping and leading to emotional issues such as self injury and I got very sick from it. I really wish the best for you and that you can try and stay sober I know people always say it's worth it and it may not seem like it is at the moment but hey it really is worth it.
Just remember things will get better but you have to work towards it and deal with that pain properly. I believe in you. I am an addict too so I know how you feel you, those feelings probably won’t go away but if you can learn how to react to your thoughts instead of listening to them it can be very helpful
I lost a good friend because he has BPD and it became unbearable. He would attack and mock me over little disagreements or differences of opinion. He sounds like a 10 year old having a tantrum and I could not take his abuse. Such a shame because in other ways he was a great guy and I still miss him. What an unfortunate condition.
I have a family member who has refused any help and denies she has bpd. Two of her psychologist told me she had bpd and not the condition she wanted them to diagnose her with. She doctor shops until she gets her own way and the meds she wants. It obviously doesn't help. I have very fond and happy memories of us growing up, but over the years, she's destroyed every single relationship with family and friends she once had. She now lives with her disabled boyfriend in the middle of nowhere. No one wants to talk to her out of fear she will post outrageous lies on Facebook or tiktok whenever she gets mad just to hurt people. You can't discuss even simple things with her without her flipping out. I tried having a conversation with her about where certain foods come from once and because I was right about the food coming from a certain country she threw a glass across the room screamed at me that I was wrong and she was right and then stormed out of the house. She's put holes in walls threatened to off people she will tell you to go off yourself if you don't agree with everything she says. She's very scary and I can't do it anymore. My health is failing, and I want her to know I still love her, but I think she's to far gone at this point to talk too. Thank you for sharing your experience with how difficult it is to try and care about someone with bpd.
I'm jobless and I'm triggered by all kinds of people's words, like they literally gave me advices sincerely and I just got mad thinking about how useless I've been all my life, how abnormal I am, and all bad things that I did. It's just shitty how I can't even control my thoughts, not saying my life
YOU'RE NOT ALONE. So never feel that way. I go through similar things. I have a lot of regrets in my life. But we can only do our best. We are fighting an invisible monster that only we have met. People with BPD are the strongest people I know for that reason. You are not worthless as much as you might feel you are. We have to start treating ourselves better. Sure.. on the outside it may seem like you haven't accomplished much (I feel that) but we are literally struggling to get through every day. I say the fact that we are still alive and fighting speaks volumes of our true character and strength. What we deal with on a daily basis is something I don't think a lot of people could. Please give yourself credit for that! You truly deserve it. I wish you the absolute best and if you ever need somebody to talk to.. I'm here for you. Just reply in the comment. 🥰🌹 I love you! You're strong and I see the real you! You're beautiful! 😘
Also.. people can give you advice all day.. but it doesn't mean you are able to accomplish what they can so easily. What we go through makes even the simplest task the hardest thing ever. You are not alone in that. Please do not compare yourself to those around you that do not have your condition. I know it's hard but the truth is that we are not the same. It's a disorder... and it's very real. I want you to look at yourself in the mirror today for me and say "I am strength" because you are! You truly are and I hope one day you see it! 🌹
@@maggiebeltaa5421 aww thank you a lot Maggie for replying to me so sincerely. I live in a country where mental illnesses are still considered something unreal and made up for attention.. so it does feel very lonely sometimes, but it's good thing that I'm beginning to accept that and trying to love myself more 🤍 yes we are strong human beings and we are worthy for every good things in the world ✊ hope you're doing well and thanks for your great advices. I'll read them again whenever I feel weak 🥰
@@sholmes9338 It truly breaks my heart that you live in a country that treats mental illness like that 😭😭 I pray you find a way to navigate through it or that the world you live in becomes less harsh to you. You seem like such a sweet soul and you deserve to be happy and accepted. I will keep you in prayers moving forward! If you ever have a tough day- feel free to send more messages. I may be far but I am here for you. 🌹🌹
Gah that's the worst! I've been having so many emotional flashbacks and am worried that I have been taking too many shrooms so I stopped doing that plus they were making me manic. It makes me wonder if the foods we eat trigger these emotional flashbacks to. I know if I eat sugar I get depressed.
yep. my now ex friend went crazy over "tone" constantly, even in a text message or email. the toxicity became unbearable and when I tried to end it and walk away in peace, that's when she showed the scariest side of herself. im a survivor of abuse and put up with her to my own detriment. I did what needed to be done to protect my child and myself from her abuse
@kristakemp2658 no offense but not even a person with normal theory of mind can empathize with a borderline. You people who like to make a federal case out of every little thing, I'm ngl, it gets old really quick. And you cannot expect us to be cool with that.
@jeffknowlton5200 that's no fault of our own. We didn't ask to given the push pull type parenting of extreme love extreme hate so then we struggle with differentiation. To be faulted for something you cannot control is honestly gross. That's not ok. If you're at your limit it's your responsibility to set a boundary. You need to practice self care but don't be a dick about it. We're not gonna know you're at that point unless you say something. Getting irritated with us just contributes to the self hate
😢 I hope you’re able to use your coping skills to help you heal. I cried the day after I had my last session with my therapist even though he told me I can come back anytime but I feel ashamed if I come back within a month of “graduating”
I’m BPD but I don’t relate to the abandonment part so much usually because I don’t form relationships to begin with. Even if people do abandon me, I’m expecting it from day 1 so I never truly trust them. I very much use the technique of pushing people away and putting a wall up.
Absolutely 💯 abandonment. I was dealing with a patient yesterday who was triggered by a sense of abandonment by the nurses. Patient felt that time between checks was too long. He became violent. I was able to successfully de-escalate the patient and gain compliance. I used the LEAP method of communication that I adapted for security. I validated the patients feelings. I reassured the patient by actively listening and repeating back. Found something common to agree on and developed a plan (return to bed and get treatment.) Had a great outcome to this combative person call.
wow that's such a great idea! LEAP I've never heard of it. This is great to use in any job though! My co workers fight at times wonder if I could use this on them. lol! I guess it would backfire cause I'm not a manager or a lead but if I was I would totally use LEAP. lol! So it's kind of like how if someone was lets say drunk in public and causing a scene lets say a security guard stops the person and says, "Calm down" probably the worst thing to say. lol! But I've heard so many security guards and cops use the calm down method and usually that doesn't work. Have you see that documentary on how some police officers are treating those with mental health disorders? It's so good gave me a lot of insight and it taught me a lot!
@@mariahconklin4150 anyone can use LEAP. There videos on UA-cam about it. Look up Dr Xavier Amador Ted Talk it's called "I'm not sick I don't need help." Iny opinion, if someone is behaving badly is a sign of psychosis, be it temporary or not, they are not thinking clearly or reasonably.
I wish that I had known about BPD and NPD years ago. I would have had a better understanding and more compassion towards some relatives in my family. Thank you Dr Ramani for sharing your knowledge.
@@zootzbootzas someone with BPD… I think it definitely can be. Doesn’t mean it is in every case but some BPD behaviors are a nightmare for others to deal with and that’s just a sad reality. It doesn’t mean everyone with BPD is condemned to never live a good life or find a partner they are happy with, but if their symptoms are causing distress in the lives of their loved ones, as they often do, nobody is obligated to tolerate behaviors that negatively impact them
@@melaniegrace7707As someone with BPD I agree. I grew up in a household where my brother with Bipolar Disorder was allowed to scream at me and terrorize me because my mom expected me to be “empathetic” and “understanding” of his condition when really she was expecting me to tolerate abuse. Just because it was caused by a mental health condition didn’t make it any more reasonable for me to have to tolerate unacceptable behavior. I wouldn’t expect anyone to accept unhealthy behaviors from me just because it’s a predictable symptom of BPD. It’s MY responsibility to deal with that shit and not let it affect other people negatively.
@@ceterisparibus8966 I can't answer for him/her. However I kinda recognise this. It's the insecurity of not knowing where I stand. And the fear that I maybe did something wrong that can result in abandonment. And 9 out of 10 times, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with me. 😅
@@ceterisparibus8966 uhm, let's see if I can word it differently. I guess we're missing context as well. I'd like to know for example what this person, OP is referring to, is being indecisive about. Let's say they're indecisive or unclear about something OP asked. It might be a trigger into taking it, first of all, personal. Then it can be accompanied with thoughts as, "they can't be clear because they don't like me, they don't care, they don't trust me, I'm not good enough" etc etc. It's basically triggering a fear, which can be abandonment. That lies so deep. So instantly making it personal is what's causing the panic or anxiety. As in HELP, I'm the reason they're unclear. While in reality, you're not even the reason. I don't know if it makes sense. It's difficult maybe to understand when you don't experience those things. Sorry if that's a wrong assumption.
I see it like a spectrum yes so sings mentioned above water by the typical people with someone with borderline personality would react more intense more frequently and have more problems deescalating and regulating their reactions and emotions than the typical person .., A typical person could not like being told something that seems like criticism and he’s not gonna fly to 10 out of 10 angry
I was dating a 40 year old woman with BPD. Both working in tech industry. I kid you not, the first time i stayed at her place and had to go to work the next morning she was angry at me when i came back home. ( she was working from home)
You haven't lived until you have had someone w/BPD turn on you when they feel rejected. The viciousness, the threats, the outsized drama. Then they turn it on themselves, and declare that they will "end it all". It can go back to attacking you, or their self-attack can continue. Teaching someone w/BPD to get off this rollercoaster is incredibly difficult. They have to want to get off, see their reactions as unsuccessfully getting what they wish (connection and comfort), and they have to work hard to alter the automaticity of these behaviors. If their behaviors work successfully with one person one time, change grinds to a halt. Wear your seatbelt to treat BPD. And then tighten it.
I’ve really lived, then! really want something better God! Please free me from this person (friend?) if he’s not going to be healed it is wearing me down. Emotionally can a BPD even be a “real friend”?
@user-hh9md4os3nwhat you wrote is so healing. I was recently diagnosed with BPD and I had known of this disorder for years now. I will admit that I perceived it to be as bad as the other cluster B personality disorders, from which, am training myself to stay as far away as possible. I felt so confused and guilty when I was diagnosed with BPD because I have a very strong set of moral rules that put empathy and not becoming like the ones that hurt you first. I immerse myself in great depths in order to truly understand someone and I'm always the good friend that people count on to vent and be heard and understood. I have always felt that I am such a bad person deep inside though and that I am deceiving people, despite all the people that I interact with, telling me that I am a rare person to come by and that the world needs more people like me. I am still haunted by the idea that I am a bad person but knowing that this perception is a prominent feature of BPD, is somewhat reassuring.. I agree that if a BPD is in healing and in an emotionally secure environment, can put this visceral emotional understanding in great use for themselves and others. I have chosen to do the same as you and I try to rationalise my intrusive feelings and thoughts as much as I can, and at least on a surface level, am very successful at that. May I please copy your comment and post it for more BPDs to see? Take care and prosper.✨️🙏🏻
That sounds more narcissist. I get the misconstrusion with a lot of us. I'm demeaning. I have facts I stand by, science tifuc facts. Unbiased. But , I dont think I'm smarter than everyone. High IQ. Only state it when telling family I'm not stupid..... ignorant😖
ANYTHING can trigger someone with BPD, things are black or white with them and there are no shades of grey in between. My 28 y/o daughter was diagnosed years ago with BPD and she can explode in the middle of a normal conversation or to a neutral comment about something not affecting her personally, refusing to even consider a different point of view or use common sense, although she is normally very even keeled and reasonable. She and her dogs live with me and it’s like walking on eggshells, never knowing what will trigger her next, just like when her narcissistic father was around. The best way I found to deal with it is to recognize that she cannot reason at that moment and either drop the subject or park it for a better time if it still needs to be addressed. The interesting part is that she later thinks about it, reconsiders and, not being good at expressing emotions verbally, comes home with something I may like such as Australian licorice, a veg. burrito, a sushi roll, etc. Life with a BPD person (or anyone in the Cluster B) is a rollercoaster of emotions.
No shades of grey is exactly right. In moments of rage, I don't always know what to say either, and I'm always afraid of making it worse. We just have to accept the fact that they won't be thinking rationally during those times. It's super hard to deal with.
Her narcissistic father has left her with childhood trauma, deep wounds that likely trigger her BPD episodes. I'm beginning to recognise it in my 25 yr old daughter too. Ive learnt from Marty Glenn, Kelly Armatage, Daniel Mackler n ors the value of inner child healing. Hard work, but its important to heal this kind of generational trauma
Definitely abandonment, specific topics, and if someone “needs to talk to me”. Like if someone stops texting me all of a sudden or my mom brings up how bad I am at my finances or when my supervisor calls me into their office 😰
Those one suck though...haha feel ya. I've been doing so bad lately with anger so when the manager puts a not on my door to "behave" or to "pay rent" I instantly become upset haha.
That inescapable feeling and fear that sooner or later, I will say or do one thing or mistake that would immediately trigger me being fired, or lose the respect of my colleagues, or be rejected by the workgroup. That dread drives me to feeling miserable - even if I love my job the retroaction I get is that I'm doing fine. Plus, you cannot reach out to anyone at work because you are afraid of outing yourself and thus be seen as a burden, or be told that all this is too heavy for them and risk termination. That means, one day I might feel great and the next day because of some unrelated thought I'd be on my bed with my anxiety and negative thoughts racing through my mind.
I love this woman. I was so pissed off & confused when I was diagnosed with BPD. Felt like a freak but it’s not as uncommon as I thought it was and these videos help a lot🙂
Having a partner with BPD is damn near impossible. You have a bad day and don't feel good then your BPD partner feels abandoned, gets mad and lashes at you. And you can't walk out,talk bad or anything. You just gotta take it and keep on loving. I swear it's gotta be either desperate or really big love to resist.
"I can't have this negativity in my life" -her five minutes after punching me in the face and screaming GET OUT OF MY HOUSE because I accidentally turned on the tv after 10pm. Help.
Problem is that many people who are borderline, is they interpret ANYTHING THAT IS NOT FLATTERING to be criticism. They can be horrible to work with (at workplace). I have seen a lot of abusive behavior. I am not talking about people with bpd who are actually in recovery. I'm talking about those who feel they are entitled to abuse others based on their own opinions. Abuse is not okay.
I stay far away regardless, idc if it sounds mean. It's sad and it's not their fault, but no way am I gonna put myself in the firing line. Same goes for ASPD and NPD, stay away is my advice
@@tinytert1320 Not our job to make you feel good at our own expense, it's our right to protect ourselves from abuse. Be offended or not, when it effects us it's about us, not you and how you feel. Don't abuse other's if one doesn't want to be abandoned rather than creating it by being so awful people always end up having to leave.
@@joan-lisa-smith On their behalf and mine considering that I may or may not have BPD, please do not generalize. Please do not treat all people with BPD as if they're all abusers. That's rather unfair and, in all honesty, makes YOU seem like YOU have certain a mental health problem goin' on. Or you just seem like a bully. No one likes bullies. I'm sure you don't either, so let's not act like one.
@@Vandarera If one is not abusive then they, like many labeled as BPD, have been misdiagnosed. Go watch this DR vids on it and she explains it all. Blind rages, gaslighting, turning on people over a glance or benign comment because everything is twisted as a personal attack so they lash out then claim they were abused...that is some of the main behaviours. If that's not you, you likely have something else. Just read the OP and other comments.
i was diagnosed with bpd but never understood it fully although all the feelings and emotions are so intense and didnt understand why i would react so drastically when someone left but after hearing Dr Ramini and the way she explains it made a lot of sense to me, so thank you Dr Ramini
I would say the biggest trigger for borderlines would be the approach-avoid behavior that people who are highly narcissistic would demonstrate. Narcs make us feel a self-love we never felt before when they idealize/ love bomb us, but the high is quickly replaced by a low that is killer when they avoid/ dismiss you, because that's what they do; it's their defense.
Those things would trigger a negative reaction in literally everyone that is human Criticism/ shame/ humiliation/ disintegration of one’s constructed sense of lovability, capability, and worthiness - a basic human fear. Fear of Ego Death Abandonment/ loss of connectedness / rejection / not wanted, respected, or valued - basic human fear. Fear of Separation Being dismissed/ ignored/ disregarded could trigger multiple fears. Ego-death, separation, and loss of autonomy…. A study was done showing that being ignored causes the same reaction in your brain as being hit. Emotional pain is still pain all the same. Humans have basic fundamental needs and fears and that doesn’t make you neurotic or weird. Stop shaming and pathologizing normal. Do some shadow work!
I agree to this, however as someone who has BPD I am aware that I strongly struggle with abandonment to the point I am unable to function unless I get clarity on the relationship. I am learning to understand how this impacts me and I am definitely getting treatment. My condition being recognised and supported was actually empowering as it gave me the platform to help myself and others recognise the signs and get the help needed 🥰
The problem is, that it could be someone kindly pointing something out to them and even giving advice that makes them feel attacked. I have to constantly watch everything I say around my BPD husband. I feel like even breathing wrong will set him off.
It takes very little honestly. It could be circumstances even. Like I knew a woman who has bpd (diagnosed) and she went into a rage when her husband's father passed away, attacked his daughter who she never even saw or spoke to hardly, because she was triggered. Her insecurities were triggered by the fact that sympathy and compassion and attention would be going to the family, as opposed to her, and the fact that her fear of abandonment was also heightened by the death of the husband's father.
If your a lil friendly, they want all of you... if your a perceived as cold it's the end of the world. It's sooooo hard to strike that balance. Puts everyone on egg shells. you don't know what exactly will perceived in any matter of ways and being friendly/nice can only make an individual latch onto you, opening up situations that me be pleasant or manipulative. it's extremely challenging. sometimes nothing you say will prevent THEIR reaction. Thou it's important to be patient and compassionate. But let's be honest, even if you may like them or have no ill will towards them they're difficult to be around and they can perceive anything you do that can be so small as something disastrous. You can try your best, but sometimes your just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Thou, it may not be their attention. It can result in abuse and one must be just as compassionate as they are cautious.
Thank you as I needed to hear this. I’m working with someone with bpd and it’s so challenging. Like you said, finding a good balance between being cordial and having good boundaries is difficult. The person I’m around Is perceived as very nice and a victim. When I have good boundaries I’m looked as if I’m mean (I can see it nonverbally) but when I’m cordial she latched on. It’s really stressful
Well why would you try to "strike that balance" with them if they're so hard to be around? Just leave and stop being a martyr about it, isn't that what healthy people do; don't hang out with difficult people? I have BPD and I'm so triggered right now. 😂 This is what I hate the most: somebody being all "I try my best but they're so difficult". Well you're a grown up and are allowed to leave, so leave then and stop frigging trying to strike a balance with someone who wants nothing to do with balance. 😂 And get off your high horse. And if you're trying to control someone else's behavior with your behavior, then it's you who has a problem, not them: you can never control anyone's behavior, you can only control your own.
I have BPD, but I get what you're saying. A lot of us with BPD work on ourselves while some others don't (they may not be aware). You can be nice and also keep your distance (boundaries). I get along with people in my community, but can also tell when people start acting "strange". Now a days, more times than not I blame my shift in perception and the possibilities of what others may be going through in their lives rather than believing that other people are intentionally disrespecting me/ distancing themselves from me for unknown reasons. When my perception is off, things like that make me think that people are just being rude towards me &/ or that I must've done something wrong towards them when I know that I haven't, hence the "unknown reasons", so it becomes very confusing and frustrating thinking that others are mad at you based on observing their shift in behaviors. In the end, it's not personal. In the case that someone is actually acting in the way that my brain tends to perceive it, then it doesn't matter anyways. I have mine and my families lives to focus on rather than someone elses opinion or behavior towards me. That's their own problem, not my problem to fix for them. It took a long time for me to learn that. We care a lot (especially about people); the problem is when we don't know what/ who we should prioritize our cares towards verses what/ who we shouldn't put our care, attention, and energy towards. The sooner people with BPD learn that, the easier life will become for them and for those around them.
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And the right answer, what might trigger bpd is EVERYTHING
…no? BPD doesn't mean people fly off the handle at every conceivable thing. People are individuals, for one. Two, BPD is about experiencing emotions to the extremes, especially with specific triggers. Which largely depends on the person.
@@slsthewriter1299 In my very personal experience, a BPD person can be triggered at any unexpected time and by any topic, even one not affecting them personally. It all depends on their emotional estate at the time. Yes, there are subjects that are specially difficult for them, but those are not the only ones that will cause an explosive reaction.
@@DulceN Yeah. And I am speaking as someone who has BPD and a mom with BPD. It depends on the person, especially when you consider alexithymia (emotional blindness) and how that gets involved, the different types of BPD, etc. It leaves a bad impression to insinuate that absolutely everything triggers BPD when that's not the case. That's my point. But, to your point, yeah, that is more accurate and much better articulated way of putting it than OG's comment.
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@@slsthewriter1299 splitting for any reason that fragile bpd ego choose will happen.
My husband has this disorder. And what I’m saying is from another persons perspective on what it’s like being around someone like this. Yes the world is full of threats but not on a level of hyper vigilance that creates an extreme level of anxiety which forces the behavior to follow. It’s one thing to think this way and it’s another to think this way and act on it.
@@hayzoleyez88 yah but it’s all we know. I have the disorder. We come from a background of walking on eggshells and always have to make sure nothing else happens to us. No chaos.
I have this deep seated anger and rage inside me that is firstly pervasive then pure. And it grows. I go from loving someone one moment to kicking them out the next
Actual Answer: EVERYTHING IS A TRIGGER!! Lived for years with a BPD girlfriend and it could be anything you said any minute of the day and it was just all down hill for the rest of the day from there.
I've stormed out, meaning there was no use to continue the conversation. Frustrated and angry, I just made the choice to leave. Better than staying with fools. Storming out is not necessarily a negative.
It’s an absolute nightmare to live with someone with BPD. Walking on eggshells is a great way to describe it and , feeling bad for them at times but then being quickly being reminded that they are the cause of their issues suffer by their own hands,choices. behaviors. Especially when they refuse professional help and resources. It’s like watching and living a train wreck everyday over and over.
My brother has BPD. One of the catastrophic consequences to my mother's alcoholism. He's in his late 30's, and when I criticise him for not getting the exact item I asked him to get for a specific dish, let's say, he spirals into negativity. It's insanity 😳 I have to watch what I say to my little brother because he can't handle, "Dude, I asked for a green bell.oepper, not a red one." 😑
So tough . Thanks for sharing a really like to know if it gets better. Are you able to say 90% of the time not trigger him? Therefore hsve more peace ?
@@Leo-mr1qz does he spiral with everyone or just people that are close? Because he can get away with it? He should learn it’s inappropriate behavior and work on dialect behavior examples and work sheets. If he willingly works on bettering his response and understanding what is going on inside his own head…there’s worksheets available, video tutorials and example’s and other ways so he can respond appropriately… good luck to you and hope your brother is willing to put so work into himself for all
Tone and absolutely ANY indication of abandonment or someone not having interest in me absolutely BREAKS MY HEART and makes me FLIP OUT. I’m so thankful the people in my life put up with me but god do I feel so bad. I wish they knew how it felt to me, even when I can be irrational, just the slightest change in tone makes me feel unwanted
Shit, the TONE thing hit me hard. The deep pain I’ve felt when my boyfriend speaks to me in a tone that I perceive as condescending or rude or sarcastic etc - especially when I’ve explained to him how it affects me. He speaks in a kind gentle tone to others, which is how I know he is aware of it, even though he says he’s not!!
The irony is that a BPD person will freak out over being abandoned, yet they see it as acceptable for them to abandon other people on a regular basis 🤦♀️ as someone who has recovered from BPD I absolutely know this from the inside, and as the ex of a BPD person I also know this from the outside too. BPD is a hectic thing to deal with.
I hide things from my wife and lie out of my fear of abandonment and this only makes things worse. And she just doesn’t understand. When I start to get manic she shuts down and walks away and it makes me flip out. She wants me just not to. I don’t know how. She thinks if I just loved her more I wouldn’t struggle with addiction. I would just choose not to and come to her. She doesn’t get that I’m afraid to go to her cuz I’m afraid of abandonment. Vicious cycle
Actually I would even go as far as to say being critical isn't even a trigger for me. (I have BPD) I really don't mind being people critical or having something to say about how I might improve or might do better. That's fine. It's all about the TONE and the delivery of your message. It's your style of communication that ultimately determines whether I see you as Good/Bad. As somebody who is overly empathetic, I find it difficult traversing the world without consistently being aware of my surroundings so that I'm not upsetting or ruining anyone's day. I'll even go as far as to "self" sacrifice to not hurt others. But when I see other people doing the opposite, and sacrificing the dignity and respect of other people because THEY are feeling bad, then that really sends me in to an inner rage. And just know, once my brain has wired itself to thinking like that about you, it's very very hard to unwire it. Just don't be a piece of shit person and honestly you won't have many issues with BPDs if you meet one.
I have so many physical scars that would beg to differ. Glad your bpd hasn't ruined you but for some it absolutely has turned them into monsters who don't show their teeth until they have you completely isolated. I have tried everything and still I am attacked or screamed at on a daily basis. There have been others with bpd in my life and I have legitimate ptsd to the point of not being able to be in a room that smells like them or be able to hear a knife coming out of a sharpener without having to throw up. It's irresponsible AF to make it seem so simple. It's not simple AT ALL.
As someone with BPD, triggers are more something that makes you immediately fueled with anger or anxiety or sadness, not like a hypnotic click that makes us lunge towards something. It’s like if I brought up the memory of you losing your plant but you hear it as me talking about the lost dog you swore you’d never let anyone bring up.
Recently, I had a coworker/friend who appeared (to me) to get annoyed when I asked him to let me know when he was going to take a break so I could join him. I immediately felt rejected and withdrew into myself for the rest of the day. And I didn't join him on his break. It was a Friday, so over the weekend I obsessively analyzed the situation until I came to the conclusion that in that moment he was very busy and stressed about a particular thing he was working on at the time, and that his annoyance wasn't with me, it was with the thing he was working on. I have come to learn my patterns of overreacting, so I've gotten into the habit of withdrawing until I can talk myself down. Sometimes it takes a couple hrs, sometimes days or weeks. I'm thinking about having a conversation with this particular person about my BPD son, because I can see myself destroy this relationship if I'm not careful.
Not BPD myself (I am autistic) but learning more because my friend has BPD and I am often very confused. She seems to be pulling back but I have tried very hard to make her feel seen and such. Anyway, I know your post is older but since I am bad at reading social cues due to being autistic, I just primarily use logic to inform my decisions. I find stoicism helps too. I remind myself that if I am logical, if I am kind, if I am forthright and if I am loyal....that's all I can do. And if someone is angry or upset or anything else, they have to tell me. That said, perhaps focus on logic first. Logic saves me because when I relied on it almost exclusively as a child I was less nervous. Now I have social anxiety disorder because I was told I can 'miss social cues.' But the anxiety worsens my condition and I feel anxiety worsens everything. From my reading, I imagine anxiety worsens BPD a ton. So to me it feels like anxiety and self doubt and being unsettled causes issues for everyone. So I encourage you to ask yourself basic questions. I go through a checklist about what I have done and such and if someone seems snarky or reactive, I do not feel rejected. I will also check in, to be sure. "How is your day going?" I would encourage having a little mental checklist whereby you reward yourself for parking lot the unknowns. And people are unknowables. Almost always, their bad moods are not about you. And if you worry too much and check in too much irritable people get more irritable. So now I ask and check in but I no longer check in repeatedly. I let them volley back a response. Remember: you can only do your best. Even if someone was being unfair to you, please don't let it hurt you. People are human and they are not always fair. So you have to let yourself create a consistent fairness to yourself. I am actually very good at not being sensitive rejection. I wish I could give you some of my lack of anxiety about rejection. My anxiety stems mostly from being told I am too weird/intense/ odd. But I tell myself if someone doesn't like the real me...why am I sad? The right people will like me. I hope you are doing well.
The tone one really gets me because it’s so unexpected from both parties. Unexpected to hear a tone change from a person and me the bpd person suddenly feeling like I’ve done something terribly wrong and that’s why their tone changed.
The cycle of : trying to get a job_actually get it_ lose it after 1 month_ lying in bed all day and wake up just to get triggered by the slightest words_ finally find a new method to cope_ feel better_ trying to get a job_._._._
Invalidation & dismissive tone are my most prominent triggers. It firstly feels like shell shock, it's a visceral confusion. Then 0 - 100 rage straight after. Then total despair. Being invalidated or dismissed or diminished is extremely cruel to a person with BPD. It dents their soul in a way that is very long lasting & hard to come out of.
I'm 90% sure I have bpd and honestly this comment section makes me feel like the ending it all. We aren't necessarily violent, abusive, or whatever stigmatized stereotype you think about us. You might not even know we have BPD, quiet bpd exists. Dismissing absolutely everyone with a cluster b personality disorder is 1: ablest, 2: really unempathetic and inconsiderate about the other person! We're people too, we just feel things more intensely due to trauma. I'm NOT saying that if you feel you're in a toxic relationship/abusive relationship that you SHOULDN'T leave, because you should. But if you get along with them just fine only to leave them after you find out they have bpd? You're the asshole, and you most likely just made the disorder WORSE. PLEASE remember that not everyone has access to the recourses they need. Instead of abandoning us for something we can't control, help us find recourses and learn about our disorder and how you can help and communicate with us.
You’re an adult ppl aren’t obligated to help you. You what help help yourself. Dealing with someone with BPD is hell! I’m sorry it’s like walking on glass bare feet in 90° weather absolute torture
@@courtcourt1704 Never said you had to help, I said to SUPPORT us. That can look like giving reassurance in times of distress, setting clear boundaries in your relationship, helping them find and access recourses, etc. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Not everyone CAN help themselves; ofc you aren't obligated to be that persons therapist; absolutely not, but there are ways you can help. I really hope that one day you can begin to unpack where this aggressive standpoint comes from and find a most positive mindset :) /gen /info /nm
@@courtcourt1704 and dealing with a sociopath is way hell too 😂 chill it’s just a disorder that cause no harm but the person who have it only. Talking this way about a certain illness sounds creepy and I guess it only goes out from a pure sociopath or a NPD or maybe a psychopath 😂
... well ... I didn't not expect this today 😂 I was diagnosed a couple years ago and, upon the disorder being explained to me, suddenly discovered that this is not how normal people feel. Normal people don't wake up once in a while feeling like a stranger to themselves. Normal people don't freak out over last-minute plans. Normal people haven't blocked out years of their life because it's too overwhelming to remember. Normal people don't subconsciously monitor every word said and the tone of its meaning. Most people aren't empathetic on a level that makes them physically sick. Etc etc etc. Where I live they won't diagnose you until you're 18, but I've been in therapy for over five years and my therapist had been noticing the signs for years before she brought it up. So thankful for her. Just knowing this isn't normal actually makes it a little easier somehow. Other people don't overthink every single thing they say, so maybe that hurtful comment was made unconsciously and it's easier to not feel attacked. It's still a ton to deal with and sometimes feels so overwhelming I might suffocate. But it's really good to know there are people out there like me.
This hit the nail on the nail on the head wonderfully said wonderfully sad and very truthful when dealing with someone with BPD However in my case it's always condescending I could ask if the sky was blue and it's critical There is no way of thinking before asking a question striking up a conversation look for your Told you're being mean and rude and escalate.
Imagine BPDs dating insensitive people with no empathy and gaslighters, who constantly blame the person reacting to something they did (like being rude suddenly for no reason, selfish, devaluating her emotions, and expect her to tolerate manipulation, mock at her for her personality, call her crazy, delusional and too much because she is highly sensitive), and then shifting the blame on BPDs because their reactive behaviours are visible and on display. All the people who stigmatise us, you are part of the problem. P.S. I take therapy and I know and am validated that I am not having any unreasonable hyper reaction to things that had happened to me, and how in-fact I was abused by my partners.
It's so easy for the instigator who lit the fire to hide behind the conflagration because that's so much more enthralling to watch. I hope your recovery journey blossoms into acts and works of beauty.
Beyond so true... I was diagnosed when I was just a kid only 12 years old .... Definitely one of my biggest struggles in life is dealing with my BPD because Alot of the time, I would "let it win" if ya get what I mean.... If for example when my husband & I have a slight argument & he goes to do the dishes so I can have a minute to calm down pretty much I'll get so upset or say someone says something a certain way when they weren't even intending it to be that way I pretty much lose control I get so upset I get quiet I guess even though I'm quiet & don't speak people can STILL TELL that I am upset with something I dunno how but apparently I must do something I'm sure🤷🏻♀️ But what I hate the most is after a little bit after the fire has already been lit I all of a sudden start to feel "sad" or guilty in a way then try apologizing cause I know it was bad the way I reacted but it already had gone up in flames at that point so when I try apologizing thinking it's going to "make things better" & that person is still up with me that actually has a valid reason to be upset with me & if I don't get like "forgiveness" right away i get upset allllllll over again.... & The cycle continues lol I hate that sooooo much I can't blame ANYONE for not wanting to be around me when I'm like that 🤷🏻♀️ what scares me the most is I see myself in my niece SOOOO much & it BEYOND terrifies me cause I don't want her to have to go through this ... Makes me wish I could do more 🥺
My husband has BPD, he told me early on when we were dating. It never really made a difference, and everything went smoothly (I’m a pretty passive person myself) looking back, he did have triggers I just never triggered him. For example, I would always answer his call, or text him that I was busy and would get back as soon as I could (with a time frame added) or would reassure him when he was feeling down. Fast forward to having a kid together and it’s like he suddenly became a different person 😢 If our kid had an accident, he would overreact and lash out at me! If I’m angry about something (that has nothing to do with him) he will match that energy! Our toddler rejects him, because children prefer their moms and that makes him constantly feel sad and inadequate while at the same time he is withdrawn and doesn’t spend enough quality time with us.
If he is extremely abusing no matter whether he is suffering from BPD or not he can't push others into pain, he is accountable for his actions, Think about ur children future don't make this person cause another trauma to those little minds..Be cautious try to consult psychiatrist .
Hey Medcircle, much as I appreciate your content, I’m not sure these soundbite shorts are working. There are a lot of snap judgments and misunderstandings in this comment section that may be detrimental to people living with BPD. Let’s promote understanding rather than stigma! Also, I think we owe it to Dr. Ramani, who is very careful about what she says and how she says it, to provide full context. Just some food for thought.
I agree. I know this is UA-cam and it’s probably meant to make people want to explore more of their content, but trying to explain anything about BPD in 60 seconds or so to anyone who isn’t already highly knowledgeable about it is just plain silly. It doesn’t feel like the right topic for these kind of things. (Also really appreciate Medcircle otherwise though so not trying to hate 💙)
I'm glad someone pointed this out. As someone with BPD, the listing of triggers is nothing new to me. I can confirm that tone is a huge one, but the large number of comments demonizing people with BPD definitely made that validation die out pretty quick. Not gonna defend people with BPD who don't take responsibility for it and get the treatment they need. Not gonna deny that people with BPD can be abusive. But most of the comments here speak about people who have BPD as them all being unsavory, irredeemable people. I do my best to keep myself in check and remind myself that a lot of my paranoid thoughts are just that -- paranoia -- but it sucks knowing that there is a wide audience of people who just assume we're all shitty people. Believe me, it's not easy living with it. It makes maintaining relationships hard and makes interacting with others as a whole really difficult. Just wish people would try to see the other side.
@@maxharris4722 I agree with you! I have a psychotic disorder and am used to the same kinds of uninformed judgments and sympathies toward the loved ones while completely dismissing the person with the illness. Thanks for commenting and sharing your perspectives. ❤️⭐️
The fact is you never actually know what triggers these people to that sudden shift of nastiness. From my experience, it is preconceived notions of anything that might cause stress such as a thought popping up in their head about a tough day they can expect at work tomorrow or some thing that they’re not looking forward to having to deal with or help out with. And these thoughts can just pop up at random, and since they don’t have the proper ability to regulate their emotions, and their negative thought patterns when their mind starts shifting over toward any type of worry, concern, or vulnerability that start feeling. Since they cannot absorb this themselves, they have to project that negative toxic energy on to somebody else who didn’t deserve and usually that is there a primary source of supply or whatever scapegoats they are close to and use in this manner to absorb all of the toxic shit
You can't change my mind. I am PD-phobic because of my personal experiences, and through that, I have gathered observations, comparisons, analysis and judgements. Nothing can ever change my mind. Take it or leave it.
What about being teased? I can't stand it, I take everything to heart and end up either storming off even if it's night out with "friends" in the city or just being a sour puss and be passive aggressive for the rest of the night
I wouldn’t hang out with anyone he thought teasing was okay.., teasing is that okay and if the only thing they can do is tease and they need to get a life and a heart
The point here though is that these things nobody likes, but it is _especially_ harmful for those with BPD to experience. It's like, for instance, how nobody likes to choke on a certain kind of food (ex: peanuts). Those with a peanut allergy, however, will have a more extreme reaction to it.
@@apb9869 ?? No? Because people don't understand that BPD is normal emotions, but to the extreme. Ergo, we have channels like this who have to spell it out. If it seems redundant to you, great. Then you surely know how to treat people with BPD.
One thing that triggers me as a person with BPD AND autism is lying. I cannot stand or tolerate lying in any form. It makes me feel violent and disgusted. 😅
Thank you that is validating, I definitely have some type of social phobia that puts me on the defensive whenever someone else directs anger even if it’s not at me
Those criticisms don’t fall out of the sky from nowhere, neither does the tone. It’s interesting how the focus goes towards tones when pwBPD doesn’t self-assess the behaviours that cause a “harsh” tone
We actually hyperassess it. We can take a regular response, and make it into "they think I'm annoying and hate me." Stop spreading triggering stuff like this.
@@hamzahkhan7370 No need, cause nobody with or without BPD would want to interact with you. Who would want to talk to someone who's such an asshole to disabled people for no reason? You whining about basic communication and expecting us to put up with it is a massive red flag. Yikes.
It’s so painful to see everyone blame the parents. My daughter was finally diagnosed with bpd after six years of therapy, various treatments and attempts to setup the right supports at home. She’s 16 and she did experience trauma, but the borderline symptoms started nearly 2 years prior. We’re still in the thick of dbt treatment and running as fast as we can to help her as much as we can before she’s 18. It’s heartbreaking to literally transform our families lives multiple times to help her and then read how we are the villains. Good Parents need more support
I wouldn't listen to the above comment because there is a possibility you are not hallucinating. Record your conversations or save your texts, then get advice from your therapist or someone you can trust, not strangers. Best of luck.
Cognitive distortion, rely on other and confide in others you trust to validate your judgement about the tone. Like therapist or some online friends. It is sure a hit on privacy and integrity for said person but because of cognitive distortion we have to confide in others.
The worst part is that we sense it all but people lie to us and deny their intentions. So then we get gaslit as well. Eventually you gaslight yourself because that's easier than every single person around you doing exactly what you know they are but they can't admit to it. I am tired of my experiences being invalidated. I know when someone is criticising me. I know when someone is invalidating me and I know when someone doesn't like me and is using passive aggression or ridicule or guilt or shame or fear to get me in line. But most people don't wish to see it or see it as just a little thing. Then there's me trying to discuss it and being indirectly threatened or similar. I mean literally my diagnosis is that I don't like to be abused and disrespected and I have an issue with it.
This just described my ex-girlfriend perfectly. I hope she gets to a place where she seeks the help she needs. BPD is a roller coaster and those who are near it often get triggered into our own sicknesses more deeply. Sending love to everyone suffering from BPD and those who are too close to it 💙
This makes sense. I get triggered when people don't listen to me or answer back. I don't even want to hear anybody I love telling me that they want to leave my life and this triggers very bad reactions. And yes not even Borderlines like the intention of people to criticize or judge them. We are indeed bothered even by gossip. Dismissive tones pxss me out.
Interesting sounds like one of my child.. Move never talked about leaving and would never leave and never thought about it but she is very sensitive to any version of criticism…. I’m very kind so what I say is it what typical people would call criticism I might be just saying I did ask you to clean your room I’m gonna remind you to clean your room so the mess doesn’t build up… sometimes she takes it fine .. yes mum .. other times a big angry reaction … how else couid i say it ?
@@Sunnyfield323 please just let her be in those moments because we people with Borderline don't only externalize things as most people would think. We internalize a lot. There are moments when emotionally we really go through hell. We shut up just to not upset you and make you devalue us. But even we bottle up a lot of emotions and feelings. That does not lead to anything good because we either start self-destructing ourselves or others or we start arguing with you or all mentioned above. No we don't want that. We actually really love you. But there is something named impulse-control which works a lot of the times but when we are tore apart on the inside we become our shadow selves meaning we don't even realize what we are doing anymore. Forgive your daughter please. This illness should be somewhere in DSM 5 because it is same painful as bipolar. I will make you a confession. I am also comorbid to bipolar inherited from one of my grandparents. This is a combination of trauma and DNA inheritance some of us very rarely talk about. People call me a troll. I am really a person living in huge pain. Yes even people with emotional and neurological problems can be silent just not to upset you. They are a lot of times when we love you but we can't love ourselves very much. It hurts. We do anything and everything to numb that. We have a lot of needs and sorrows just like you and everybody else does but the illness amplifies it a lot in comparison to the emotional and neurological healthy person. We do know who we are and what we need regardless what some psychiatrist say. Borderline is not a false self. Borderline is a merciless illness.
Read the book I’m Ok, You’re Ok, strengthen the self esteem, learn positive reinforcement language and change the tar in your head, take up a physical class of some sort and get out of your head and concentrate on learning a new hobby with focus and have fun with it, and remember some people don’t even realize what they say have the time it’s the others that know when they are being deceitful and mean to stay far away from
I hate all this. Everybody hates criticism,being ignored or walked out on, sacked dismissed or left out. It’s normal nor BPD. Some topics hurt like deaths and bad relationships. Just Bee Kind, Honey. There’s no need to give anyone pain. Just explaining can help, if you really can’t include them or accommodate them. Super sensitive people are usually kind. Harsh selfish mean people are the ones who we need to work with to find a way. Negotiate a little, strongly if you need to but forgive and move on.
Yes, people hate things like criticism, feeling ignored/walked out on, and being dismissed. But when triggered, a person with BPD would have a stronger, extremely emotional, and potentially debilitating reaction to a situation like this. For example, if a clerk uses an unfriendly tone at checkout, a person with BPD could spiral out of control, scream horrible things at someone they love, then self-harm, threaten suicide, and miss work. It's a mental illness because it leads them to not be able to do activities of daily living, to not be able to take care of themselves like most adults would. I didn't like how this comment seemed to minimize the disorder. I'm sharing from personal experience with a family member with BPD. It is a whole lot more than "hating" certain triggering topics.
You've got to understand that it is more about the reaction than the cause. The intensity of the feelings triggered by those situations make a huge difference between someone with BPD and someone who doesn't experience this kind of unbalanced mood and emotions. Stop demeaning it if you don't know what it is like.
@@LoreMartinellyMy thoughts as well. I think it’s common for people to not understand the life altering intensity that is felt. It’s easy to think people are over reacting. Also a lot of people are in denial that they have a crippling mental illness.
Im so relieved I’m not alone in this battle….if anyone that’s a mother living with BPD I’d love to form a solid friendship. I have no friends and I have learned that it may be because I need friends like me that understand me. Normal people dont
@@mkar01 I know but I did 3 psychiatrist tests (really long, really taxing and exhausting) and each time they told me I fit the bpd profile. Except, I have also ADHD and I informed them about that. After all, each time, some of the 9 symptoms of bpd are also ADHD symptoms... so what?! For other aspects I feel it's just my personality like the explosive emotion symptom (I have explosive anger), I'm good with it. Because I keep a lot for myself, while I'm trying to stay nice, and warn them I'm about to snap and if they keep disrespecting me and pushing me to my limites. The thing it's they chocked about how much I can be mean and cruel just reflecting them. Even though, how much I repeat them and to myself, no one gives a fuck about my feelings ok. After I try to make them to see me, respect me...and they still don't care... I'm done. They're never ready for the backlash once I reciprocate their behaviour. They cry about how much I'm hurting them, because I'm intense, extreme... But above all it's justified... I don't feel bad. I don't think this is make me borderline. My environnement is just fucked up and I'm just the karma and the canary.
What triggers bpd: - going to a friend without them - going to a work party - not responding fast enough on text - not coming home on time - being late Almost evreything triggers them, when they don’t get continues attention and admiration Goodluck
Tone that feels happy, tone that feels loving, tone that feels they're about to run into something and you say, "Watch out!" Tone that says they can't throw all your belongings in the dumpster. Tone that says they almost hit you with a knife, while talking with their hands. Tone that says they can't spend every penny of the money, when the electricity gets shut off. Tone that says, "Sorry ma'am. We don't have onion rings at McDonald's," for the 15th time. Tone that says, "May I see your ID?" when paying by check. Tone that says, "Mrs. ----, your child should really be in the grade above what you've put them in, as their reading skills are 4 years above the grade they're in. We're sorry you won't let them be in the right grade."
Having dated someone with externalized BPD (who turned her pain into destruction) I have learned that BPD is like projection on max while having no way to self soothe, and relying on others to soothe for you 24/7. It’s a losing game, because no one can ever satisfy the BPD’s need for a specific continued reaction. It must come from within. Learning how to integrate love and acceptance for oneself even if* someone says something dismissive or invalidating. Oftentimes, I’ve found unfortunately a lot of it is projection, which is the wedge between BPD and everyone they know. Dropping the unwillingness to hear someone’s truth requires we also work on ourselves and have enough self respect to not surround ourselves with people who will actually twist and lie. Self-respect leads to healthier relationships, and the projections calm with time.
As a healthcare provider, BPD people are incredibly draining, no one wants to deal with them. It's hard not to make them feel abandoned when their behavior makes you want to have nothing to do with them.
I can tell you having to come to terms that my boyfriend truly can't love me because of his narcissism that then triggered not receiving love growing up and questioning if I ever actually experienced love.. And all of this hurts so bad
I understand you. I have also bought into the narcs' lovebombing at times and also got a narc father. BPDs are unfortunately easy pray for narcs. Try to stay away at all costs.❤️🩹
To me one thing is condescension or being belittled or treated like some kind of child or a bomb that’s gonna go off, like just be honest and upfront I am a human adult and I can have a genuine conversation. When you lie that sets off a whole other laundry list of paranoia and abandonment and feelings of anger and betrayal
It's not just getting pissed from rude people. It's our brains taking a simple tone change, and creating the idea that someone sees you as annoying and hates you.
I used to struggel with drugs and with keeping a job for years because of my BPD before I was diagnosed 5 months ago after almost 6 awfull years. Friends calling me out and telling me I am choosing to do nothing with my life. That would trigger me a lot...I am aware that they could not understand why I was unable to help myself on my own....I am proud to say that now finally after getting right medications and weekly visits to my psychiatrist I am finally free from drugs and actually feel hopefull about my future and life.
I’m doing shadow work and having to remember all the times I’ve felt rejected, misunderstood, taken advantage off, not loved by my parents triggers me. I have to step back take a break until I feel stable enough to continue. It’s a process.
The problem might be within you and it could be with your parents and relatives also. Rejection is painful for a normal person also. But in the name of *rejection* doing drama is also not acceptable. People will come and go in life... Finding stability is a monkey balancing for the most people. Don't take/do anything before you thoroughly thought and how consequences might be. I know a young girl had problems with parents (one has allegedly BPD) and to find stability she ran away in teenage to a distant boy friend home. Her need for peace and stability lead to becoming a pawn for men. They shelter her for their needs and she had to pay gratitude. *Friends with benefits*. Later it became something like rejections by those men and her gratitude she had towards them became self loathing and not a confident woman anymore. Think and Act properly in present so that your past might not haunting you in future.🎉
Why is this so eeriely relatable? I had a belated X'mas lunch at work today. I felt so uncomfortable when no one engaged me in conversations, feeling envious when I watched my colleagues laughing among themselves. Safe to say, I left without taking my present. I just couldn't take it that no one talks or tries to understand. I may have only the borderline personality traits, as stated by my psychiatrist. It hasn't even reached a disorder, and yet it is so unbearable to keep reliving in abandonment.
Oh I’m Sorry you feel this . Are you able to share why them not engaging conversations feels like abandonment? They invited you so that doesn’t seem Like abandonment . If one of my work colleagues was quiet at the lunch table and didn’t make any moves to join in the conversation or love or give a response I would think that they are uncomfortable and introvert and prefer to be quiet and just watch the activity around them so I wouid let them be . Some people are uncomfortable in big groups
This piece is a landmark in creativity; akin to a book that was a landmark in its time. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Author Name
Me and my family have this. I guess mine is chronic or maybe I’m just the mofo to kickstart seeking treatment; but this description of what may trigger someone with BPD is how everyone in my family is. It’s like walking on eggshells and being tense as not to say the wrong thing or make a certain expression. It’s maddening. I have to get out of here.
WATCH more of this series with Dr. Ramani, "Borderline Personality Disorder: The Family Guide to Healing" here: my.medcircle.com/3qeCntN
Can you please make the link clickable! Thx
Thank-you.
❤
Help thankyou to guide. Xxxsusan 👍🫂🙏🏻
@@sherrytaylor3738 you can make a screenshot and on the screenshot you can then select the text of the link and copy the link
True story. For me it’s anything that makes me feel rejected, disrespected, or invalidated. Unfortunately that covers a lot of things.
When they storm out and walkout, I’m assuming storming out is leaving amidst an agreement whereas walking I’m assuming to be disappearing for a bit amidst a conversation, be it for obligatory reasons or otherwise. Does anyone think that is the wrong interpretation?
Same
@Kyra Yes, but for people with bpd, they feel it a lot more intensely than people without it
Same
What about if your partner does as much as they can to help like house work, childcare and bringing in the money. Now that person only react in a bad tone or something "bad" because that person belittles you or says nasty stuff by projecting. How do you tackle that?
Abandonment is a huge one. Personally, my biggest trigger is someone not standing up for me. As I kid I was abused & nobody said/did anything about it. As an adult when I don't stand up for myself & the person I trust doesn't say anything I immediately feel small & worthless. It's something I've been working on for a long time.
4 months late bud but here goes. I was diagnosed with BPD that comes with dominant traits leading to violence. I was a shy passive kid, I always looked to people to stand up for me, even close friends later in life and no one ever really did. My point is today I'm still shy, but no way in any sort am I passive. As a fellow Borderline, you have the raw energy to stand up to many who bully you. See if you can tap into that energy sometime, not everybody is going to have your back because from my own experience (not speaking for everyone just me incase there's any smart asses to view this in future) people are cowards. They romanticise the idea of having your back, but when you turn or have an episode they're crawling back into themselves and regretting ever saying anything while flustering a whole boats worth of bile as to why they can't help you or have your back when you just simply need a friend to talk to let alone have someone beside you in a fight. I honestly don't know what else to say, it's 7am and I'm extremely tired. But J B if you ever see this, from one stranger to another but of the same mental issue you can do this. DON'T EVER LET ANYONE FUCK WITH YOU JB! YOU HAVE THE F'ING FIRE, LET THEM FEEL IT! (I Capitalise to emphasise my passion) Hopefully one day you'll find that fire and feed it to your bullys. Take care JB, I wish you all the best.
My brother is the same way, what is something you think helps for someone to say to help you feel like they are standing up for you?
For example- my brother can get really upset about some things that are not realistic and cannot be done with our circumstances, so when we don’t agree with him I feel as if he feels we aren’t with him/ or are against him.
So I am just curious as to what I can say to make him not feel like we are against him but to also let him know that what he wants is not realistic.
If that makes any sense!
I dint even know if I was abused aw a child
@flow_state_chocolate I'm good. Thanks 👍
@flow_state_chocolate So if I don't want to eat mushrooms I 'want to suffer' ? There's that black & white thinking..
being unheard, dismissed, or misunderstood is my biggest trigger. especially if someone isn’t an active listener and not responding even just a “i understand why that would upset you/whatever feeling” or “i would be upset about that too”
You hit the nail on the head. I'll add feeling invisible, easily forgotten
Yes!!! This literally happened while talking to my dad & I lashed out at him because he didn't react the way I wanted him to🥺
yea, me too. that’s honestly one of my biggest triggers.
I don't like that we feel or are treated this way but it is nice to know that there are people who can understand my torment. I so wish I had this type of resource when I was younger. Maybe I could have been "fixed"
YES
Tone is a huge one for me. If I’m talking to someone and they have even the slightest upset/mad tone in something they say I immediately think “I must have said something to upset them” and I over analyze the hell out of it.
Yes!!! Same, and I am learning to move through that and set boundaries so I don’t take it too personally
@@faithjay7911finally someone who talks about boundaries in a brave and constructive way, thank you :)
I'm so sensitive to abandonment and rejection. If people don't like me or are annoyed by me or disgusted by me it freaks me out. I'm trying to recover from addiction right now but the emotional pain inside is unthinkable.
WATCH more of this series with Dr. Ramani, "Borderline Personality Disorder: The Family Guide to Healing" here: my.medcircle.com/3qeCntN
Yeah that's awful. I had to give up the weed it was killing me more then helping and leading to emotional issues such as self injury and I got very sick from it. I really wish the best for you and that you can try and stay sober I know people always say it's worth it and it may not seem like it is at the moment but hey it really is worth it.
Just remember things will get better but you have to work towards it and deal with that pain properly. I believe in you. I am an addict too so I know how you feel you, those feelings probably won’t go away but if you can learn how to react to your thoughts instead of listening to them it can be very helpful
I lost a good friend because he has BPD and it became unbearable. He would attack and mock me over little disagreements or differences of opinion. He sounds like a 10 year old having a tantrum and I could not take his abuse. Such a shame because in other ways he was a great guy and I still miss him. What an unfortunate condition.
Sweetheart, he wasn’t your friend. That was an enemy. Love isn’t abuse. Neither is friendship
@@baileybutterfly320 There was real love there too. That's what makes it complicated.
I have a family member who has refused any help and denies she has bpd. Two of her psychologist told me she had bpd and not the condition she wanted them to diagnose her with. She doctor shops until she gets her own way and the meds she wants. It obviously doesn't help. I have very fond and happy memories of us growing up, but over the years, she's destroyed every single relationship with family and friends she once had. She now lives with her disabled boyfriend in the middle of nowhere. No one wants to talk to her out of fear she will post outrageous lies on Facebook or tiktok whenever she gets mad just to hurt people. You can't discuss even simple things with her without her flipping out. I tried having a conversation with her about where certain foods come from once and because I was right about the food coming from a certain country she threw a glass across the room screamed at me that I was wrong and she was right and then stormed out of the house. She's put holes in walls threatened to off people she will tell you to go off yourself if you don't agree with everything she says. She's very scary and I can't do it anymore. My health is failing, and I want her to know I still love her, but I think she's to far gone at this point to talk too. Thank you for sharing your experience with how difficult it is to try and care about someone with bpd.
@@ShellyshockedI’m so sorry this has been your experience with your loved one. That’s hard. Sending you love ❤
Im so sorry to hear that. How long has it been since he passed?
I'm jobless and I'm triggered by all kinds of people's words, like they literally gave me advices sincerely and I just got mad thinking about how useless I've been all my life, how abnormal I am, and all bad things that I did. It's just shitty how I can't even control my thoughts, not saying my life
YOU'RE NOT ALONE. So never feel that way. I go through similar things. I have a lot of regrets in my life. But we can only do our best. We are fighting an invisible monster that only we have met. People with BPD are the strongest people I know for that reason. You are not worthless as much as you might feel you are. We have to start treating ourselves better. Sure.. on the outside it may seem like you haven't accomplished much (I feel that) but we are literally struggling to get through every day. I say the fact that we are still alive and fighting speaks volumes of our true character and strength. What we deal with on a daily basis is something I don't think a lot of people could. Please give yourself credit for that! You truly deserve it. I wish you the absolute best and if you ever need somebody to talk to.. I'm here for you. Just reply in the comment. 🥰🌹 I love you! You're strong and I see the real you! You're beautiful! 😘
Also.. people can give you advice all day.. but it doesn't mean you are able to accomplish what they can so easily. What we go through makes even the simplest task the hardest thing ever. You are not alone in that. Please do not compare yourself to those around you that do not have your condition. I know it's hard but the truth is that we are not the same. It's a disorder... and it's very real. I want you to look at yourself in the mirror today for me and say "I am strength" because you are! You truly are and I hope one day you see it! 🌹
@@maggiebeltaa5421 aww thank you a lot Maggie for replying to me so sincerely. I live in a country where mental illnesses are still considered something unreal and made up for attention.. so it does feel very lonely sometimes, but it's good thing that I'm beginning to accept that and trying to love myself more 🤍 yes we are strong human beings and we are worthy for every good things in the world ✊ hope you're doing well and thanks for your great advices. I'll read them again whenever I feel weak 🥰
@@sholmes9338 It truly breaks my heart that you live in a country that treats mental illness like that 😭😭 I pray you find a way to navigate through it or that the world you live in becomes less harsh to you. You seem like such a sweet soul and you deserve to be happy and accepted. I will keep you in prayers moving forward! If you ever have a tough day- feel free to send more messages. I may be far but I am here for you. 🌹🌹
I am jobless too..
She nails it. Thank you for calling us "people with BPD" instead of "borderline". Thank you.
The emotional flashbacks are intense and are triggered usually by things that press on the abandonment buttons
Shifts in energy, tones yes
Gah that's the worst! I've been having so many emotional flashbacks and am worried that I have been taking too many shrooms so I stopped doing that plus they were making me manic. It makes me wonder if the foods we eat trigger these emotional flashbacks to. I know if I eat sugar I get depressed.
@@mariahconklin4150 food effect us.. Foods have many additives.. It effects people that do not have BPD.. so yes the food can make a difference...
yep. my now ex friend went crazy over "tone" constantly, even in a text message or email. the toxicity became unbearable and when I tried to end it and walk away in peace, that's when she showed the scariest side of herself. im a survivor of abuse and put up with her to my own detriment. I did what needed to be done to protect my child and myself from her abuse
WATCH more of this series with Dr. Ramani, "Borderline Personality Disorder: The Family Guide to Healing" here: my.medcircle.com/3qeCntN
Same experience omg
It's not toxic you just don't want to take on someone else's perspective and feelings and just want to talk however you want.
@kristakemp2658 no offense but not even a person with normal theory of mind can empathize with a borderline. You people who like to make a federal case out of every little thing, I'm ngl, it gets old really quick. And you cannot expect us to be cool with that.
@jeffknowlton5200 that's no fault of our own. We didn't ask to given the push pull type parenting of extreme love extreme hate so then we struggle with differentiation. To be faulted for something you cannot control is honestly gross. That's not ok. If you're at your limit it's your responsibility to set a boundary. You need to practice self care but don't be a dick about it. We're not gonna know you're at that point unless you say something. Getting irritated with us just contributes to the self hate
My therapist is retiring in a few months. This is our 8th year working together. She's helped me more than I can say.
I don't know how to cope.
If that is true, some help she was!
😢 I hope you’re able to use your coping skills to help you heal. I cried the day after I had my last session with my therapist even though he told me I can come back anytime but I feel ashamed if I come back within a month of “graduating”
@@lorrainechavez654 It's truly not that simple.
I had an an amazing therapist move on to a different place and it hurt me immensely but we talked about it before she left
@@lorrainechavez654dude..
I’m BPD but I don’t relate to the abandonment part so much usually because I don’t form relationships to begin with. Even if people do abandon me, I’m expecting it from day 1 so I never truly trust them. I very much use the technique of pushing people away and putting a wall up.
This ‼️
Because you feel already abandoned, that's self destructive. It's egoistic as others aren't the same
Absolutely 💯 abandonment. I was dealing with a patient yesterday who was triggered by a sense of abandonment by the nurses. Patient felt that time between checks was too long. He became violent. I was able to successfully de-escalate the patient and gain compliance. I used the LEAP method of communication that I adapted for security. I validated the patients feelings. I reassured the patient by actively listening and repeating back. Found something common to agree on and developed a plan (return to bed and get treatment.)
Had a great outcome to this combative person call.
Amazing!! What’s LEAP stand for
@@Sunnyfield323 Listen Empathize Agree Partner
WATCH more of this series with Dr. Ramani, "Borderline Personality Disorder: The Family Guide to Healing" here: my.medcircle.com/3qeCntN
wow that's such a great idea! LEAP I've never heard of it. This is great to use in any job though! My co workers fight at times wonder if I could use this on them. lol! I guess it would backfire cause I'm not a manager or a lead but if I was I would totally use LEAP. lol! So it's kind of like how if someone was lets say drunk in public and causing a scene lets say a security guard stops the person and says, "Calm down" probably the worst thing to say. lol! But I've heard so many security guards and cops use the calm down method and usually that doesn't work. Have you see that documentary on how some police officers are treating those with mental health disorders? It's so good gave me a lot of insight and it taught me a lot!
@@mariahconklin4150 anyone can use LEAP. There videos on UA-cam about it. Look up Dr Xavier Amador Ted Talk it's called "I'm not sick I don't need help."
Iny opinion, if someone is behaving badly is a sign of psychosis, be it temporary or not, they are not thinking clearly or reasonably.
I wish that I had known about BPD and NPD years ago. I would have had a better understanding and more compassion towards some relatives in my family. Thank you Dr Ramani for sharing your knowledge.
and for the partner it's like being afraid you've triggered a landmine
WATCH more of this series with Dr. Ramani, "Borderline Personality Disorder: The Family Guide to Healing" here: my.medcircle.com/3qeCntN
yes because somebody having a mental illness and exhibiting symptoms of said mental illness is soooo inconvenient for other people! /sarc
@@zootzbootzreal and the way they keep antagonizing people with bpd too
@@zootzbootzas someone with BPD… I think it definitely can be. Doesn’t mean it is in every case but some BPD behaviors are a nightmare for others to deal with and that’s just a sad reality. It doesn’t mean everyone with BPD is condemned to never live a good life or find a partner they are happy with, but if their symptoms are causing distress in the lives of their loved ones, as they often do, nobody is obligated to tolerate behaviors that negatively impact them
@@melaniegrace7707As someone with BPD I agree. I grew up in a household where my brother with Bipolar Disorder was allowed to scream at me and terrorize me because my mom expected me to be “empathetic” and “understanding” of his condition when really she was expecting me to tolerate abuse. Just because it was caused by a mental health condition didn’t make it any more reasonable for me to have to tolerate unacceptable behavior. I wouldn’t expect anyone to accept unhealthy behaviors from me just because it’s a predictable symptom of BPD. It’s MY responsibility to deal with that shit and not let it affect other people negatively.
For me if someone is unclear or not decisive makes me so anxious.
Why?
@@ceterisparibus8966 because especially in relationships it’s unsettling.. like it’s physically unbearable when u suffer w mental illness.
@@ceterisparibus8966 I can't answer for him/her.
However I kinda recognise this. It's the insecurity of not knowing where I stand. And the fear that I maybe did something wrong that can result in abandonment.
And 9 out of 10 times, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with me. 😅
@@Awen_newA Thank you for replying. But I'm not making the connection between the two.
@@ceterisparibus8966 uhm, let's see if I can word it differently. I guess we're missing context as well. I'd like to know for example what this person, OP is referring to, is being indecisive about.
Let's say they're indecisive or unclear about something OP asked.
It might be a trigger into taking it, first of all, personal. Then it can be accompanied with thoughts as, "they can't be clear because they don't like me, they don't care, they don't trust me, I'm not good enough" etc etc.
It's basically triggering a fear, which can be abandonment. That lies so deep.
So instantly making it personal is what's causing the panic or anxiety. As in HELP, I'm the reason they're unclear.
While in reality, you're not even the reason.
I don't know if it makes sense. It's difficult maybe to understand when you don't experience those things. Sorry if that's a wrong assumption.
Those seem like things that would bother a lot of people whether BPD or not.
I see it like a spectrum yes so sings mentioned above water by the typical people with someone with borderline personality would react more intense more frequently and have more problems deescalating and regulating their reactions and emotions than the typical person .., A typical person could not like being told something that seems like criticism and he’s not gonna fly to 10 out of 10 angry
I was dating a 40 year old woman with BPD. Both working in tech industry. I kid you not, the first time i stayed at her place and had to go to work the next morning she was angry at me when i came back home. ( she was working from home)
Right, but it's called DISORDER. Almost everything is "normal" in moderation. It's a disorder when it becomes an extreme
You haven't lived until you have had someone w/BPD turn on you when they feel rejected. The viciousness, the threats, the outsized drama. Then they turn it on themselves, and declare that they will "end it all". It can go back to attacking you, or their self-attack can continue. Teaching someone w/BPD to get off this rollercoaster is incredibly difficult. They have to want to get off, see their reactions as unsuccessfully getting what they wish (connection and comfort), and they have to work hard to alter the automaticity of these behaviors. If their behaviors work successfully with one person one time, change grinds to a halt. Wear your seatbelt to treat BPD. And then tighten it.
I’ve really lived, then! really want something better God! Please free me from this person (friend?) if he’s not going to be healed it is wearing me down. Emotionally can a BPD even be a “real friend”?
@user-hh9md4os3nwhat you wrote is so healing. I was recently diagnosed with BPD and I had known of this disorder for years now.
I will admit that I perceived it to be as bad as the other cluster B personality disorders, from which, am training myself to stay as far away as possible. I felt so confused and guilty when I was diagnosed with BPD because I have a very strong set of moral rules that put empathy and not becoming like the ones that hurt you first.
I immerse myself in great depths in order to truly understand someone and I'm always the good friend that people count on to vent and be heard and understood.
I have always felt that I am such a bad person deep inside though and that I am deceiving people, despite all the people that I interact with, telling me that I am a rare person to come by and that the world needs more people like me. I am still haunted by the idea that I am a bad person but knowing that this perception is a prominent feature of BPD, is somewhat reassuring..
I agree that if a BPD is in healing and in an emotionally secure environment, can put this visceral emotional understanding in great use for themselves and others. I have chosen to do the same as you and I try to rationalise my intrusive feelings and thoughts as much as I can, and at least on a surface level, am very successful at that.
May I please copy your comment and post it for more BPDs to see?
Take care and prosper.✨️🙏🏻
This channel gives them a free pass yet show no mercy to people w/NPD and w/ASPD for the same exact behavior.
It's really hard :( having a family member with it is super draining and frustrating
That sounds more narcissist. I get the misconstrusion with a lot of us. I'm demeaning. I have facts I stand by, science tifuc facts. Unbiased. But , I dont think I'm smarter than everyone. High IQ. Only state it when telling family I'm not stupid..... ignorant😖
ANYTHING can trigger someone with BPD, things are black or white with them and there are no shades of grey in between. My 28 y/o daughter was diagnosed years ago with BPD and she can explode in the middle of a normal conversation or to a neutral comment about something not affecting her personally, refusing to even consider a different point of view or use common sense, although she is normally very even keeled and reasonable. She and her dogs live with me and it’s like walking on eggshells, never knowing what will trigger her next, just like when her narcissistic father was around. The best way I found to deal with it is to recognize that she cannot reason at that moment and either drop the subject or park it for a better time if it still needs to be addressed. The interesting part is that she later thinks about it, reconsiders and, not being good at expressing emotions verbally, comes home with something I may like such as Australian licorice, a veg. burrito, a sushi roll, etc. Life with a BPD person (or anyone in the Cluster B) is a rollercoaster of emotions.
Exactly.
No shades of grey is exactly right. In moments of rage, I don't always know what to say either, and I'm always afraid of making it worse. We just have to accept the fact that they won't be thinking rationally during those times. It's super hard to deal with.
WATCH more of this series with Dr. Ramani, "Borderline Personality Disorder: The Family Guide to Healing" here: my.medcircle.com/3qeCntN
Aw. That's cute though that she gets you food who doesnt' want food?
Her narcissistic father has left her with childhood trauma, deep wounds that likely trigger her BPD episodes. I'm beginning to recognise it in my 25 yr old daughter too. Ive learnt from Marty Glenn, Kelly Armatage, Daniel Mackler n ors the value of inner child healing. Hard work, but its important to heal this kind of generational trauma
Definitely abandonment, specific topics, and if someone “needs to talk to me”. Like if someone stops texting me all of a sudden or my mom brings up how bad I am at my finances or when my supervisor calls me into their office 😰
Those one suck though...haha feel ya. I've been doing so bad lately with anger so when the manager puts a not on my door to "behave" or to "pay rent" I instantly become upset haha.
That inescapable feeling and fear that sooner or later, I will say or do one thing or mistake that would immediately trigger me being fired, or lose the respect of my colleagues, or be rejected by the workgroup. That dread drives me to feeling miserable - even if I love my job the retroaction I get is that I'm doing fine. Plus, you cannot reach out to anyone at work because you are afraid of outing yourself and thus be seen as a burden, or be told that all this is too heavy for them and risk termination.
That means, one day I might feel great and the next day because of some unrelated thought I'd be on my bed with my anxiety and negative thoughts racing through my mind.
I love this woman. I was so pissed off & confused when I was diagnosed with BPD. Felt like a freak but it’s not as uncommon as I thought it was and these videos help a lot🙂
Having a partner with BPD is damn near impossible. You have a bad day and don't feel good then your BPD partner feels abandoned, gets mad and lashes at you. And you can't walk out,talk bad or anything. You just gotta take it and keep on loving. I swear it's gotta be either desperate or really big love to resist.
Well said. If you have a bad day, heaven forbid you drag your bpd partner down. They’ll start calling you “negative”
"I can't have this negativity in my life" -her five minutes after punching me in the face and screaming GET OUT OF MY HOUSE because I accidentally turned on the tv after 10pm. Help.
I must be incredibly stupid because I find myself wanting to sign up for that in my situation
Problem is that many people who are borderline, is they interpret ANYTHING THAT IS NOT FLATTERING to be criticism. They can be horrible to work with (at workplace). I have seen a lot of abusive behavior. I am not talking about people with bpd who are actually in recovery. I'm talking about those who feel they are entitled to abuse others based on their own opinions. Abuse is not okay.
I stay far away regardless, idc if it sounds mean.
It's sad and it's not their fault, but no way am I gonna put myself in the firing line. Same goes for ASPD and NPD, stay away is my advice
@@gangsterspongebob1539 Thanks, as someone with BPD this really helps me feel like I have a place in this world
@@tinytert1320 Not our job to make you feel good at our own expense, it's our right to protect ourselves from abuse. Be offended or not, when it effects us it's about us, not you and how you feel. Don't abuse other's if one doesn't want to be abandoned rather than creating it by being so awful people always end up having to leave.
@@joan-lisa-smith On their behalf and mine considering that I may or may not have BPD, please do not generalize. Please do not treat all people with BPD as if they're all abusers. That's rather unfair and, in all honesty, makes YOU seem like YOU have certain a mental health problem goin' on. Or you just seem like a bully. No one likes bullies. I'm sure you don't either, so let's not act like one.
@@Vandarera If one is not abusive then they, like many labeled as BPD, have been misdiagnosed. Go watch this DR vids on it and she explains it all. Blind rages, gaslighting, turning on people over a glance or benign comment because everything is twisted as a personal attack so they lash out then claim they were abused...that is some of the main behaviours. If that's not you, you likely have something else. Just read the OP and other comments.
i was diagnosed with bpd but never understood it fully although all the feelings and emotions are so intense and didnt understand why i would react so drastically when someone left but after hearing Dr Ramini and the way she explains it made a lot of sense to me, so thank you Dr Ramini
As someone with BOD this is 100% accurate, especially criticism and the tone of voice.
WATCH more of this series with Dr. Ramani, "Borderline Personality Disorder: The Family Guide to Healing" here: my.medcircle.com/3qeCntN
I would say the biggest trigger for borderlines would be the approach-avoid behavior that people who are highly narcissistic would demonstrate. Narcs make us feel a self-love we never felt before when they idealize/ love bomb us, but the high is quickly replaced by a low that is killer when they avoid/ dismiss you, because that's what they do; it's their defense.
Borderlines Detect flawed people quick.
Hence BPD & NPD people just don't mix
Those things would trigger a negative reaction in literally everyone that is human
Criticism/ shame/ humiliation/ disintegration of one’s constructed sense of lovability, capability, and worthiness - a basic human fear. Fear of Ego Death
Abandonment/ loss of connectedness / rejection / not wanted, respected, or valued - basic human fear. Fear of Separation
Being dismissed/ ignored/ disregarded could trigger multiple fears. Ego-death, separation, and loss of autonomy….
A study was done showing that being ignored causes the same reaction in your brain as being hit. Emotional pain is still pain all the same.
Humans have basic fundamental needs and fears and that doesn’t make you neurotic or weird. Stop shaming and pathologizing normal.
Do some shadow work!
I agree to this, however as someone who has BPD I am aware that I strongly struggle with abandonment to the point I am unable to function unless I get clarity on the relationship. I am learning to understand how this impacts me and I am definitely getting treatment. My condition being recognised and supported was actually empowering as it gave me the platform to help myself and others recognise the signs and get the help needed 🥰
The problem is, that it could be someone kindly pointing something out to them and even giving advice that makes them feel attacked. I have to constantly watch everything I say around my BPD husband. I feel like even breathing wrong will set him off.
Sometimes we don’t take our anger out on others, we just take it out on ourselves, and that can be very self deprecating…
It's Hell
I would feel so sorry for someone to be talked to the way my brain talks to me.
@@SavannahSunshine49yet you do it...
It takes very little honestly. It could be circumstances even. Like I knew a woman who has bpd (diagnosed) and she went into a rage when her husband's father passed away, attacked his daughter who she never even saw or spoke to hardly, because she was triggered. Her insecurities were triggered by the fact that sympathy and compassion and attention would be going to the family, as opposed to her, and the fact that her fear of abandonment was also heightened by the death of the husband's father.
If your a lil friendly, they want all of you... if your a perceived as cold it's the end of the world. It's sooooo hard to strike that balance. Puts everyone on egg shells. you don't know what exactly will perceived in any matter of ways and being friendly/nice can only make an individual latch onto you, opening up situations that me be pleasant or manipulative. it's extremely challenging. sometimes nothing you say will prevent THEIR reaction. Thou it's important to be patient and compassionate. But let's be honest, even if you may like them or have no ill will towards them they're difficult to be around and they can perceive anything you do that can be so small as something disastrous. You can try your best, but sometimes your just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Thou, it may not be their attention. It can result in abuse and one must be just as compassionate as they are cautious.
Thank you as I needed to hear this. I’m working with someone with bpd and it’s so challenging. Like you said, finding a good balance between being cordial and having good boundaries is difficult. The person I’m around Is perceived as very nice and a victim. When I have good boundaries I’m looked as if I’m mean (I can see it nonverbally) but when I’m cordial she latched on. It’s really stressful
Well why would you try to "strike that balance" with them if they're so hard to be around? Just leave and stop being a martyr about it, isn't that what healthy people do; don't hang out with difficult people? I have BPD and I'm so triggered right now. 😂 This is what I hate the most: somebody being all "I try my best but they're so difficult". Well you're a grown up and are allowed to leave, so leave then and stop frigging trying to strike a balance with someone who wants nothing to do with balance. 😂 And get off your high horse. And if you're trying to control someone else's behavior with your behavior, then it's you who has a problem, not them: you can never control anyone's behavior, you can only control your own.
I have BPD, but I get what you're saying. A lot of us with BPD work on ourselves while some others don't (they may not be aware). You can be nice and also keep your distance (boundaries). I get along with people in my community, but can also tell when people start acting "strange". Now a days, more times than not I blame my shift in perception and the possibilities of what others may be going through in their lives rather than believing that other people are intentionally disrespecting me/ distancing themselves from me for unknown reasons. When my perception is off, things like that make me think that people are just being rude towards me &/ or that I must've done something wrong towards them when I know that I haven't, hence the "unknown reasons", so it becomes very confusing and frustrating thinking that others are mad at you based on observing their shift in behaviors. In the end, it's not personal. In the case that someone is actually acting in the way that my brain tends to perceive it, then it doesn't matter anyways. I have mine and my families lives to focus on rather than someone elses opinion or behavior towards me. That's their own problem, not my problem to fix for them. It took a long time for me to learn that. We care a lot (especially about people); the problem is when we don't know what/ who we should prioritize our cares towards verses what/ who we shouldn't put our care, attention, and energy towards. The sooner people with BPD learn that, the easier life will become for them and for those around them.
And the right answer, what might trigger bpd is EVERYTHING
…no? BPD doesn't mean people fly off the handle at every conceivable thing. People are individuals, for one. Two, BPD is about experiencing emotions to the extremes, especially with specific triggers. Which largely depends on the person.
@@slsthewriter1299 In my very personal experience, a BPD person can be triggered at any unexpected time and by any topic, even one not affecting them personally. It all depends on their emotional estate at the time. Yes, there are subjects that are specially difficult for them, but those are not the only ones that will cause an explosive reaction.
@@DulceN Yeah. And I am speaking as someone who has BPD and a mom with BPD. It depends on the person, especially when you consider alexithymia (emotional blindness) and how that gets involved, the different types of BPD, etc. It leaves a bad impression to insinuate that absolutely everything triggers BPD when that's not the case. That's my point. But, to your point, yeah, that is more accurate and much better articulated way of putting it than OG's comment.
@@slsthewriter1299 splitting for any reason that fragile bpd ego choose will happen.
@ Could you grammar that better? What are you trying to say?
Seems like everything is a trigger. It’ll be hard walking on eggshells around someone who sees the world as a threat.
That’s what happens when you grew up in a threatening chaotic house.. don’t judge things you don’t know!
My husband has this disorder. And what I’m saying is from another persons perspective on what it’s like being around someone like this. Yes the world is full of threats but not on a level of hyper vigilance that creates an extreme level of anxiety which forces the behavior to follow. It’s one thing to think this way and it’s another to think this way and act on it.
@@hayzoleyez88 yah but it’s all we know. I have the disorder. We come from a background of walking on eggshells and always have to make sure nothing else happens to us. No chaos.
We r on high alert !
yh
I have this deep seated anger and rage inside me that is firstly pervasive then pure. And it grows. I go from loving someone one moment to kicking them out the next
I truly believe I am struggling with BPD. Haven't been diagnosed but all of the signs and descriptions are spot on for me
Good identifying.. seek a great therapist
Actual Answer: EVERYTHING IS A TRIGGER!! Lived for years with a BPD girlfriend and it could be anything you said any minute of the day and it was just all down hill for the rest of the day from there.
Maybe she hasn't sat in her feelings long enough to differentiate
I've stormed out, meaning there was no use to continue the conversation. Frustrated and angry, I just made the choice to leave. Better than staying with fools. Storming out is not necessarily a negative.
It’s an absolute nightmare to live with someone with BPD. Walking on eggshells is a great way to describe it and , feeling bad for them at times but then being quickly being reminded that they are the cause of their issues suffer by their own hands,choices. behaviors. Especially when they refuse professional help and resources. It’s like watching and living a train wreck everyday over and over.
My brother has BPD. One of the catastrophic consequences to my mother's alcoholism. He's in his late 30's, and when I criticise him for not getting the exact item I asked him to get for a specific dish, let's say, he spirals into negativity. It's insanity 😳 I have to watch what I say to my little brother because he can't handle, "Dude, I asked for a green bell.oepper, not a red one." 😑
So tough . Thanks for sharing a really like to know if it gets better. Are you able to say 90% of the time not trigger him? Therefore hsve more peace ?
Adhd?
@@giovannamoro8564 no.
@@Sunnyfield323 no. He is who he is.
@@Leo-mr1qz does he spiral with everyone or just people that are close? Because he can get away with it? He should learn it’s inappropriate behavior and work on dialect behavior examples and work sheets. If he willingly works on bettering his response and understanding what is going on inside his own head…there’s worksheets available, video tutorials and example’s and other ways so he can respond appropriately… good luck to you and hope your brother is willing to put so work into himself for all
Tone and absolutely ANY indication of abandonment or someone not having interest in me absolutely BREAKS MY HEART and makes me FLIP OUT. I’m so thankful the people in my life put up with me but god do I feel so bad. I wish they knew how it felt to me, even when I can be irrational, just the slightest change in tone makes me feel unwanted
i can relate so much...
@@natasza1236 I’m sorry you relate but it’s nice to know we are not alone!!
@@getting-on-my-nirvana exactly!!! we are not alone and we deserve to be loved and treated with respect
Shit, the TONE thing hit me hard. The deep pain I’ve felt when my boyfriend speaks to me in a tone that I perceive as condescending or rude or sarcastic etc - especially when I’ve explained to him how it affects me. He speaks in a kind gentle tone to others, which is how I know he is aware of it, even though he says he’s not!!
Whats the cure how to make you normal?
The irony is that a BPD person will freak out over being abandoned, yet they see it as acceptable for them to abandon other people on a regular basis 🤦♀️ as someone who has recovered from BPD I absolutely know this from the inside, and as the ex of a BPD person I also know this from the outside too.
BPD is a hectic thing to deal with.
How did you manage to recover, if you don't mind me asking?
It's from contantly being criticised and treated unfairy as a child. One of the parents a narcissist.
I hide things from my wife and lie out of my fear of abandonment and this only makes things worse. And she just doesn’t understand. When I start to get manic she shuts down and walks away and it makes me flip out. She wants me just not to. I don’t know how. She thinks if I just loved her more I wouldn’t struggle with addiction. I would just choose not to and come to her. She doesn’t get that I’m afraid to go to her cuz I’m afraid of abandonment. Vicious cycle
Can confirm, all of these are my triggers.
Actually I would even go as far as to say being critical isn't even a trigger for me. (I have BPD)
I really don't mind being people critical or having something to say about how I might improve or might do better. That's fine.
It's all about the TONE and the delivery of your message. It's your style of communication that ultimately determines whether I see you as Good/Bad.
As somebody who is overly empathetic, I find it difficult traversing the world without consistently being aware of my surroundings so that I'm not upsetting or ruining anyone's day. I'll even go as far as to "self" sacrifice to not hurt others.
But when I see other people doing the opposite, and sacrificing the dignity and respect of other people because THEY are feeling bad, then that really sends me in to an inner rage. And just know, once my brain has wired itself to thinking like that about you, it's very very hard to unwire it.
Just don't be a piece of shit person and honestly you won't have many issues with BPDs if you meet one.
Exactly. Constructive criticism is helpful. Judgemental criticism (to tear you down) is what triggers me. Helpful VS. Harmful.
I have so many physical scars that would beg to differ. Glad your bpd hasn't ruined you but for some it absolutely has turned them into monsters who don't show their teeth until they have you completely isolated. I have tried everything and still I am attacked or screamed at on a daily basis. There have been others with bpd in my life and I have legitimate ptsd to the point of not being able to be in a room that smells like them or be able to hear a knife coming out of a sharpener without having to throw up.
It's irresponsible AF to make it seem so simple. It's not simple AT ALL.
As someone with BPD, triggers are more something that makes you immediately fueled with anger or anxiety or sadness, not like a hypnotic click that makes us lunge towards something. It’s like if I brought up the memory of you losing your plant but you hear it as me talking about the lost dog you swore you’d never let anyone bring up.
Recently, I had a coworker/friend who appeared (to me) to get annoyed when I asked him to let me know when he was going to take a break so I could join him. I immediately felt rejected and withdrew into myself for the rest of the day. And I didn't join him on his break. It was a Friday, so over the weekend I obsessively analyzed the situation until I came to the conclusion that in that moment he was very busy and stressed about a particular thing he was working on at the time, and that his annoyance wasn't with me, it was with the thing he was working on.
I have come to learn my patterns of overreacting, so I've gotten into the habit of withdrawing until I can talk myself down. Sometimes it takes a couple hrs, sometimes days or weeks.
I'm thinking about having a conversation with this particular person about my BPD son, because I can see myself destroy this relationship if I'm not careful.
Not BPD myself (I am autistic) but learning more because my friend has BPD and I am often very confused. She seems to be pulling back but I have tried very hard to make her feel seen and such. Anyway, I know your post is older but since I am bad at reading social cues due to being autistic, I just primarily use logic to inform my decisions. I find stoicism helps too. I remind myself that if I am logical, if I am kind, if I am forthright and if I am loyal....that's all I can do. And if someone is angry or upset or anything else, they have to tell me.
That said, perhaps focus on logic first. Logic saves me because when I relied on it almost exclusively as a child I was less nervous. Now I have social anxiety disorder because I was told I can 'miss social cues.' But the anxiety worsens my condition and I feel anxiety worsens everything.
From my reading, I imagine anxiety worsens BPD a ton. So to me it feels like anxiety and self doubt and being unsettled causes issues for everyone.
So I encourage you to ask yourself basic questions. I go through a checklist about what I have done and such and if someone seems snarky or reactive, I do not feel rejected. I will also check in, to be sure. "How is your day going?"
I would encourage having a little mental checklist whereby you reward yourself for parking lot the unknowns. And people are unknowables. Almost always, their bad moods are not about you. And if you worry too much and check in too much irritable people get more irritable.
So now I ask and check in but I no longer check in repeatedly. I let them volley back a response.
Remember: you can only do your best. Even if someone was being unfair to you, please don't let it hurt you. People are human and they are not always fair. So you have to let yourself create a consistent fairness to yourself.
I am actually very good at not being sensitive rejection. I wish I could give you some of my lack of anxiety about rejection. My anxiety stems mostly from being told I am too weird/intense/ odd. But I tell myself if someone doesn't like the real me...why am I sad? The right people will like me.
I hope you are doing well.
So true, it’s usually someone’s tone of voice and any perceived disrespect.
The tone one really gets me because it’s so unexpected from both parties. Unexpected to hear a tone change from a person and me the bpd person suddenly feeling like I’ve done something terribly wrong and that’s why their tone changed.
The cycle of : trying to get a job_actually get it_ lose it after 1 month_ lying in bed all day and wake up just to get triggered by the slightest words_ finally find a new method to cope_ feel better_ trying to get a job_._._._
Omg my life
You can be very happy being abandoned depends on who the person is
Invalidation & dismissive tone are my most prominent triggers. It firstly feels like shell shock, it's a visceral confusion. Then 0 - 100 rage straight after. Then total despair. Being invalidated or dismissed or diminished is extremely cruel to a person with BPD. It dents their soul in a way that is very long lasting & hard to come out of.
I'm 90% sure I have bpd and honestly this comment section makes me feel like the ending it all. We aren't necessarily violent, abusive, or whatever stigmatized stereotype you think about us. You might not even know we have BPD, quiet bpd exists.
Dismissing absolutely everyone with a cluster b personality disorder is
1: ablest,
2: really unempathetic and inconsiderate about the other person!
We're people too, we just feel things more intensely due to trauma. I'm NOT saying that if you feel you're in a toxic relationship/abusive relationship that you SHOULDN'T leave, because you should. But if you get along with them just fine only to leave them after you find out they have bpd? You're the asshole, and you most likely just made the disorder WORSE. PLEASE remember that not everyone has access to the recourses they need. Instead of abandoning us for something we can't control, help us find recourses and learn about our disorder and how you can help and communicate with us.
You’re an adult ppl aren’t obligated to help you. You what help help yourself. Dealing with someone with BPD is hell! I’m sorry it’s like walking on glass bare feet in 90° weather absolute torture
@@courtcourt1704 Never said you had to help, I said to SUPPORT us. That can look like giving reassurance in times of distress, setting clear boundaries in your relationship, helping them find and access recourses, etc. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Not everyone CAN help themselves; ofc you aren't obligated to be that persons therapist; absolutely not, but there are ways you can help. I really hope that one day you can begin to unpack where this aggressive standpoint comes from and find a most positive mindset :) /gen /info /nm
@@courtcourt1704 and dealing with a sociopath is way hell too 😂 chill it’s just a disorder that cause no harm but the person who have it only. Talking this way about a certain illness sounds creepy and I guess it only goes out from a pure sociopath or a NPD or maybe a psychopath 😂
@@slurrieye I guess she/he needs help. Ignore what that person said
It's more about tone! Yes yes yes
WATCH more of this series with Dr. Ramani, "Borderline Personality Disorder: The Family Guide to Healing" here: my.medcircle.com/3qeCntN
Abandon them before they abandon you 🖤
😂😂😂
😅😅
😂
...
well
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I didn't not expect this today 😂 I was diagnosed a couple years ago and, upon the disorder being explained to me, suddenly discovered that this is not how normal people feel. Normal people don't wake up once in a while feeling like a stranger to themselves. Normal people don't freak out over last-minute plans. Normal people haven't blocked out years of their life because it's too overwhelming to remember. Normal people don't subconsciously monitor every word said and the tone of its meaning. Most people aren't empathetic on a level that makes them physically sick. Etc etc etc. Where I live they won't diagnose you until you're 18, but I've been in therapy for over five years and my therapist had been noticing the signs for years before she brought it up. So thankful for her. Just knowing this isn't normal actually makes it a little easier somehow. Other people don't overthink every single thing they say, so maybe that hurtful comment was made unconsciously and it's easier to not feel attacked. It's still a ton to deal with and sometimes feels so overwhelming I might suffocate. But it's really good to know there are people out there like me.
This hit the nail on the nail on the head wonderfully said wonderfully sad and very truthful when dealing with someone with BPD However in my case it's always condescending I could ask if the sky was blue and it's critical There is no way of thinking before asking a question striking up a conversation look for your Told you're being mean and rude and escalate.
Imagine BPDs dating insensitive people with no empathy and gaslighters, who constantly blame the person reacting to something they did (like being rude suddenly for no reason, selfish, devaluating her emotions, and expect her to tolerate manipulation, mock at her for her personality, call her crazy, delusional and too much because she is highly sensitive), and then shifting the blame on BPDs because their reactive behaviours are visible and on display.
All the people who stigmatise us, you are part of the problem.
P.S. I take therapy and I know and am validated that I am not having any unreasonable hyper reaction to things that had happened to me, and how in-fact I was abused by my partners.
It's so easy for the instigator who lit the fire to hide behind the conflagration because that's so much more enthralling to watch.
I hope your recovery journey blossoms into acts and works of beauty.
Beyond so true... I was diagnosed when I was just a kid only 12 years old .... Definitely one of my biggest struggles in life is dealing with my BPD because Alot of the time, I would "let it win" if ya get what I mean.... If for example when my husband & I have a slight argument & he goes to do the dishes so I can have a minute to calm down pretty much I'll get so upset or say someone says something a certain way when they weren't even intending it to be that way I pretty much lose control I get so upset I get quiet I guess even though I'm quiet & don't speak people can STILL TELL that I am upset with something I dunno how but apparently I must do something I'm sure🤷🏻♀️
But what I hate the most is after a little bit after the fire has already been lit I all of a sudden start to feel "sad" or guilty in a way then try apologizing cause I know it was bad the way I reacted but it already had gone up in flames at that point so when I try apologizing thinking it's going to "make things better" & that person is still up with me that actually has a valid reason to be upset with me & if I don't get like "forgiveness" right away i get upset allllllll over again.... & The cycle continues lol I hate that sooooo much I can't blame ANYONE for not wanting to be around me when I'm like that 🤷🏻♀️ what scares me the most is I see myself in my niece SOOOO much & it BEYOND terrifies me cause I don't want her to have to go through this ... Makes me wish I could do more 🥺
My husband has BPD, he told me early on when we were dating. It never really made a difference, and everything went smoothly (I’m a pretty passive person myself) looking back, he did have triggers I just never triggered him. For example, I would always answer his call, or text him that I was busy and would get back as soon as I could (with a time frame added) or would reassure him when he was feeling down. Fast forward to having a kid together and it’s like he suddenly became a different person 😢 If our kid had an accident, he would overreact and lash out at me! If I’m angry about something (that has nothing to do with him) he will match that energy! Our toddler rejects him, because children prefer their moms and that makes him constantly feel sad and inadequate while at the same time he is withdrawn and doesn’t spend enough quality time with us.
Oh dear ! So now how to you handle it
If he is extremely abusing no matter whether he is suffering from BPD or not he can't push others into pain, he is accountable for his actions, Think about ur children future don't make this person cause another trauma to those little minds..Be cautious try to consult psychiatrist .
WATCH more of this series with Dr. Ramani, "Borderline Personality Disorder: The Family Guide to Healing" here: my.medcircle.com/3qeCntN
Hey Medcircle, much as I appreciate your content, I’m not sure these soundbite shorts are working.
There are a lot of snap judgments and misunderstandings in this comment section that may be detrimental to people living with BPD. Let’s promote understanding rather than stigma!
Also, I think we owe it to Dr. Ramani, who is very careful about what she says and how she says it, to provide full context.
Just some food for thought.
Totally cut the video off at the worst possible moment.
I agree. I know this is UA-cam and it’s probably meant to make people want to explore more of their content, but trying to explain anything about BPD in 60 seconds or so to anyone who isn’t already highly knowledgeable about it is just plain silly. It doesn’t feel like the right topic for these kind of things.
(Also really appreciate Medcircle otherwise though so not trying to hate 💙)
I'm glad someone pointed this out. As someone with BPD, the listing of triggers is nothing new to me. I can confirm that tone is a huge one, but the large number of comments demonizing people with BPD definitely made that validation die out pretty quick.
Not gonna defend people with BPD who don't take responsibility for it and get the treatment they need. Not gonna deny that people with BPD can be abusive. But most of the comments here speak about people who have BPD as them all being unsavory, irredeemable people. I do my best to keep myself in check and remind myself that a lot of my paranoid thoughts are just that -- paranoia -- but it sucks knowing that there is a wide audience of people who just assume we're all shitty people.
Believe me, it's not easy living with it. It makes maintaining relationships hard and makes interacting with others as a whole really difficult. Just wish people would try to see the other side.
@@maxharris4722 I agree with you! I have a psychotic disorder and am used to the same kinds of uninformed judgments and sympathies toward the loved ones while completely dismissing the person with the illness. Thanks for commenting and sharing your perspectives. ❤️⭐️
WATCH more of this series with Dr. Ramani, "Borderline Personality Disorder: The Family Guide to Healing" here: my.medcircle.com/3qeCntN
The fact is you never actually know what triggers these people to that sudden shift of nastiness. From my experience, it is preconceived notions of anything that might cause stress such as a thought popping up in their head about a tough day they can expect at work tomorrow or some thing that they’re not looking forward to having to deal with or help out with. And these thoughts can just pop up at random, and since they don’t have the proper ability to regulate their emotions, and their negative thought patterns when their mind starts shifting over toward any type of worry, concern, or vulnerability that start feeling. Since they cannot absorb this themselves, they have to project that negative toxic energy on to somebody else who didn’t deserve and usually that is there a primary source of supply or whatever scapegoats they are close to and use in this manner to absorb all of the toxic shit
You can't change my mind. I am PD-phobic because of my personal experiences, and through that, I have gathered observations, comparisons, analysis and judgements. Nothing can ever change my mind. Take it or leave it.
Like cluster B or just all of them?
What about being teased? I can't stand it, I take everything to heart and end up either storming off even if it's night out with "friends" in the city or just being a sour puss and be passive aggressive for the rest of the night
Then perhaps it's best if you stay at home.
@@oliviamartini9700 yeah thats what I do
I wouldn’t hang out with anyone he thought teasing was okay.., teasing is that okay and if the only thing they can do is tease and they need to get a life and a heart
None of this sounds appealing for anyone to experience.
The point here though is that these things nobody likes, but it is _especially_ harmful for those with BPD to experience. It's like, for instance, how nobody likes to choke on a certain kind of food (ex: peanuts). Those with a peanut allergy, however, will have a more extreme reaction to it.
It’s not meant to be. It’s the flat out truth
@@WonkywatkinsWhat I meant to say was, no one wants to be spoken to in the way the doctor is describing, not just those with mental health issues.
@@slsthewriter1299 just seems redundant in this Instance.
@@apb9869 ?? No? Because people don't understand that BPD is normal emotions, but to the extreme. Ergo, we have channels like this who have to spell it out. If it seems redundant to you, great. Then you surely know how to treat people with BPD.
One thing that triggers me as a person with BPD AND autism is lying. I cannot stand or tolerate lying in any form. It makes me feel violent and disgusted. 😅
100% facts she hit them all and I'm telling you bpd is one hell of an illness to live with. I have so much compassion for my fellow bpd people ❤
Thank you that is validating, I definitely have some type of social phobia that puts me on the defensive whenever someone else directs anger even if it’s not at me
Those criticisms don’t fall out of the sky from nowhere, neither does the tone. It’s interesting how the focus goes towards tones when pwBPD doesn’t self-assess the behaviours that cause a “harsh” tone
We actually hyperassess it. We can take a regular response, and make it into "they think I'm annoying and hate me." Stop spreading triggering stuff like this.
@@Bubblegum-xm5cg people get triggered over absolute bullshit these days. My responses will not entertain snowflakes. You have a valid point.
@@hamzahkhan7370 No need, cause nobody with or without BPD would want to interact with you. Who would want to talk to someone who's such an asshole to disabled people for no reason? You whining about basic communication and expecting us to put up with it is a massive red flag. Yikes.
It’s so painful to see everyone blame the parents. My daughter was finally diagnosed with bpd after six years of therapy, various treatments and attempts to setup the right supports at home. She’s 16 and she did experience trauma, but the borderline symptoms started nearly 2 years prior. We’re still in the thick of dbt treatment and running as fast as we can to help her as much as we can before she’s 18. It’s heartbreaking to literally transform our families lives multiple times to help her and then read how we are the villains. Good Parents need more support
I am very sensitive to people's tone. I get really upset when a person talks to me with a dismissive or demeaning tone. Why is this?
They often aren't, people with BPD interpret it that way because their perception is off and they are constantly looking for it.
I wouldn't listen to the above comment because there is a possibility you are not hallucinating. Record your conversations or save your texts, then get advice from your therapist or someone you can trust, not strangers. Best of luck.
Cognitive distortion, rely on other and confide in others you trust to validate your judgement about the tone. Like therapist or some online friends. It is sure a hit on privacy and integrity for said person but because of cognitive distortion we have to confide in others.
The worst part is that we sense it all but people lie to us and deny their intentions. So then we get gaslit as well. Eventually you gaslight yourself because that's easier than every single person around you doing exactly what you know they are but they can't admit to it.
I am tired of my experiences being invalidated. I know when someone is criticising me. I know when someone is invalidating me and I know when someone doesn't like me and is using passive aggression or ridicule or guilt or shame or fear to get me in line. But most people don't wish to see it or see it as just a little thing. Then there's me trying to discuss it and being indirectly threatened or similar. I mean literally my diagnosis is that I don't like to be abused and disrespected and I have an issue with it.
100%
With you all the way! I'm able to recognize better the instigators and bystanders. Stay firm 🙏
Saying "no".
This just described my ex-girlfriend perfectly. I hope she gets to a place where she seeks the help she needs. BPD is a roller coaster and those who are near it often get triggered into our own sicknesses more deeply. Sending love to everyone suffering from BPD and those who are too close to it 💙
This makes sense. I get triggered when people don't listen to me or answer back. I don't even want to hear anybody I love telling me that they want to leave my life and this triggers very bad reactions. And yes not even Borderlines like the intention of people to criticize or judge them. We are indeed bothered even by gossip. Dismissive tones pxss me out.
Interesting sounds like one of my child.. Move never talked about leaving and would never leave and never thought about it but she is very sensitive to any version of criticism…. I’m very kind so what I say is it what typical people would call criticism I might be just saying I did ask you to clean your room I’m gonna remind you to clean your room so the mess doesn’t build up… sometimes she takes it fine .. yes mum .. other times a big angry reaction … how else couid i say it ?
@@Sunnyfield323 please just let her be in those moments because we people with Borderline don't only externalize things as most people would think. We internalize a lot. There are moments when emotionally we really go through hell. We shut up just to not upset you and make you devalue us. But even we bottle up a lot of emotions and feelings. That does not lead to anything good because we either start self-destructing ourselves or others or we start arguing with you or all mentioned above. No we don't want that. We actually really love you. But there is something named impulse-control which works a lot of the times but when we are tore apart on the inside we become our shadow selves meaning we don't even realize what we are doing anymore. Forgive your daughter please. This illness should be somewhere in DSM 5 because it is same painful as bipolar. I will make you a confession. I am also comorbid to bipolar inherited from one of my grandparents. This is a combination of trauma and DNA inheritance some of us very rarely talk about. People call me a troll. I am really a person living in huge pain. Yes even people with emotional and neurological problems can be silent just not to upset you. They are a lot of times when we love you but we can't love ourselves very much. It hurts. We do anything and everything to numb that. We have a lot of needs and sorrows just like you and everybody else does but the illness amplifies it a lot in comparison to the emotional and neurological healthy person. We do know who we are and what we need regardless what some psychiatrist say. Borderline is not a false self. Borderline is a merciless illness.
Read the book I’m Ok, You’re Ok, strengthen the self esteem, learn positive reinforcement language and change the tar in your head, take up a physical class of some sort and get out of your head and concentrate on learning a new hobby with focus and have fun with it, and remember some people don’t even realize what they say have the time it’s the others that know when they are being deceitful and mean to stay far away from
I hate all this. Everybody hates criticism,being ignored or walked out on, sacked dismissed or left out. It’s normal nor BPD. Some topics hurt like deaths and bad relationships. Just Bee Kind, Honey. There’s no need to give anyone pain. Just explaining can help, if you really can’t include them or accommodate them. Super sensitive people are usually kind. Harsh selfish mean people are the ones who we need to work with to find a way. Negotiate a little, strongly if you need to but forgive and move on.
💯
Yes, people hate things like criticism, feeling ignored/walked out on, and being dismissed. But when triggered, a person with BPD would have a stronger, extremely emotional, and potentially debilitating reaction to a situation like this. For example, if a clerk uses an unfriendly tone at checkout, a person with BPD could spiral out of control, scream horrible things at someone they love, then self-harm, threaten suicide, and miss work. It's a mental illness because it leads them to not be able to do activities of daily living, to not be able to take care of themselves like most adults would. I didn't like how this comment seemed to minimize the disorder. I'm sharing from personal experience with a family member with BPD. It is a whole lot more than "hating" certain triggering topics.
You've got to understand that it is more about the reaction than the cause. The intensity of the feelings triggered by those situations make a huge difference between someone with BPD and someone who doesn't experience this kind of unbalanced mood and emotions. Stop demeaning it if you don't know what it is like.
WATCH more of this series with Dr. Ramani, "Borderline Personality Disorder: The Family Guide to Healing" here: my.medcircle.com/3qeCntN
@@LoreMartinellyMy thoughts as well. I think it’s common for people to not understand the life altering intensity that is felt. It’s easy to think people are over reacting. Also a lot of people are in denial that they have a crippling mental illness.
Im so relieved I’m not alone in this battle….if anyone that’s a mother living with BPD I’d love to form a solid friendship. I have no friends and I have learned that it may be because I need friends like me that understand me. Normal people dont
Seems like those things would upset anyone
I relate these a lot. When someone barely replies and gives short answers in a conversation, barely participating in it. Is a huge trigger.
Well done. Those awesome shoes did not go unnoticed.
I'm sorry but this could apply to everyone. Why is it a disorder for not liking to be rejected, abandoned, ignored and belittled?
this one youtube short does not describe every aspect of bpd
@@mkar01 I know but I did 3 psychiatrist tests (really long, really taxing and exhausting) and each time they told me I fit the bpd profile.
Except, I have also ADHD and I informed them about that. After all, each time, some of the 9 symptoms of bpd are also ADHD symptoms... so what?!
For other aspects I feel it's just my personality like the explosive emotion symptom (I have explosive anger), I'm good with it. Because I keep a lot for myself, while I'm trying to stay nice, and warn them I'm about to snap and if they keep disrespecting me and pushing me to my limites. The thing it's they chocked about how much I can be mean and cruel just reflecting them. Even though, how much I repeat them and to myself, no one gives a fuck about my feelings ok. After I try to make them to see me, respect me...and they still don't care... I'm done. They're never ready for the backlash once I reciprocate their behaviour. They cry about how much I'm hurting them, because I'm intense, extreme... But above all it's justified... I don't feel bad.
I don't think this is make me borderline. My environnement is just fucked up and I'm just the karma and the canary.
I get triggered when people lie to me and betray me
The silence treatment, being ignored , threatening to leave the relationship.. just to name a few
What triggers bpd:
- going to a friend without them
- going to a work party
- not responding fast enough on text
- not coming home on time
- being late
Almost evreything triggers them, when they don’t get continues attention and admiration
Goodluck
BPD aka the landmine field of personality disorders
Tone that feels happy, tone that feels loving, tone that feels they're about to run into something and you say, "Watch out!" Tone that says they can't throw all your belongings in the dumpster. Tone that says they almost hit you with a knife, while talking with their hands. Tone that says they can't spend every penny of the money, when the electricity gets shut off. Tone that says, "Sorry ma'am. We don't have onion rings at McDonald's," for the 15th time. Tone that says, "May I see your ID?" when paying by check. Tone that says, "Mrs. ----, your child should really be in the grade above what you've put them in, as their reading skills are 4 years above the grade they're in. We're sorry you won't let them be in the right grade."
This is spot on
Having dated someone with externalized BPD (who turned her pain into destruction) I have learned that BPD is like projection on max while having no way to self soothe, and relying on others to soothe for you 24/7. It’s a losing game, because no one can ever satisfy the BPD’s need for a specific continued reaction. It must come from within. Learning how to integrate love and acceptance for oneself even if* someone says something dismissive or invalidating. Oftentimes, I’ve found unfortunately a lot of it is projection, which is the wedge between BPD and everyone they know. Dropping the unwillingness to hear someone’s truth requires we also work on ourselves and have enough self respect to not surround ourselves with people who will actually twist and lie. Self-respect leads to healthier relationships, and the projections calm with time.
As a healthcare provider, BPD people are incredibly draining, no one wants to deal with them. It's hard not to make them feel abandoned when their behavior makes you want to have nothing to do with them.
This is just stigma in action.
I can tell you having to come to terms that my boyfriend truly can't love me because of his narcissism that then triggered not receiving love growing up and questioning if I ever actually experienced love.. And all of this hurts so bad
I understand you. I have also bought into the narcs' lovebombing at times and also got a narc father. BPDs are unfortunately easy pray for narcs. Try to stay away at all costs.❤️🩹
Stop choosing those men. Literally so simple. They show you who they are too it's not like they hide it at all...
To me one thing is condescension or being belittled or treated like some kind of child or a bomb that’s gonna go off, like just be honest and upfront I am a human adult and I can have a genuine conversation. When you lie that sets off a whole other laundry list of paranoia and abandonment and feelings of anger and betrayal
It’s sad because these things just happen in day to day life. Even if the person loves you it is unavoidable.
Is that not normal? Won't most ppl get pissed when someone is being critical in a rude tone?
It's not just getting pissed from rude people. It's our brains taking a simple tone change, and creating the idea that someone sees you as annoying and hates you.
I used to struggel with drugs and with keeping a job for years because of my BPD before I was diagnosed 5 months ago after almost 6 awfull years. Friends calling me out and telling me I am choosing to do nothing with my life. That would trigger me a lot...I am aware that they could not understand why I was unable to help myself on my own....I am proud to say that now finally after getting right medications and weekly visits to my psychiatrist I am finally free from drugs and actually feel hopefull about my future and life.
I’m doing shadow work and having to remember all the times I’ve felt rejected, misunderstood, taken advantage off, not loved by my parents triggers me. I have to step back take a break until I feel stable enough to continue. It’s a process.
The problem might be within you and it could be with your parents and relatives also. Rejection is painful for a normal person also. But in the name of *rejection* doing drama is also not acceptable. People will come and go in life... Finding stability is a monkey balancing for the most people. Don't take/do anything before you thoroughly thought and how consequences might be. I know a young girl had problems with parents (one has allegedly BPD) and to find stability she ran away in teenage to a distant boy friend home. Her need for peace and stability lead to becoming a pawn for men. They shelter her for their needs and she had to pay gratitude. *Friends with benefits*. Later it became something like rejections by those men and her gratitude she had towards them became self loathing and not a confident woman anymore. Think and Act properly in present so that your past might not haunting you in future.🎉
Why is this so eeriely relatable? I had a belated X'mas lunch at work today. I felt so uncomfortable when no one engaged me in conversations, feeling envious when I watched my colleagues laughing among themselves. Safe to say, I left without taking my present. I just couldn't take it that no one talks or tries to understand. I may have only the borderline personality traits, as stated by my psychiatrist. It hasn't even reached a disorder, and yet it is so unbearable to keep reliving in abandonment.
Oh I’m
Sorry you feel this . Are you able to share why them not engaging conversations feels like abandonment? They invited you so that doesn’t seem
Like abandonment . If one of my work colleagues was quiet at the lunch table and didn’t make any moves to join in the conversation or love or give a response I would think that they are uncomfortable and introvert and prefer to be quiet and just watch the activity around them so I wouid let them be . Some people are uncomfortable in big groups
This piece is a landmark in creativity; akin to a book that was a landmark in its time. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Author Name
Me and my family have this. I guess mine is chronic or maybe I’m just the mofo to kickstart seeking treatment; but this description of what may trigger someone with BPD is how everyone in my family is. It’s like walking on eggshells and being tense as not to say the wrong thing or make a certain expression. It’s maddening. I have to get out of here.