This doesn’t only apply to forgiveness for parents, because we also must have forgiveness for mankind in general..and also if said parent is still displaying the negative they have in the past , remove yourself from them if it’s a problem for you. Forgive but don’t be a continuous doormat. You can forgive and still support from a distance
There's a huge difference between forgiveness and being a fool. Forgiveness does not mean you have to sit down with them, eat with them, or be their friend forgiveness is for you, it is not for them,
@@kamekamoore3770so a young woman should eat with her father even if he abused her her whole life? No. She can forgive him in her heart and pray for his healing from a safe distance. That woman is me. Forgiving doesn't mean to continue getting hurt and abused. It means you can have compassion and love for someone DESPITE the abuse while staying away and protecting your heart. Peace 💖
No accountability from parents even though children’s lives have literally been ruined. I will not downplay the effects of adult behavior against children.
This was not about the parents. Of course they must be held accountable. They must atone for any wrongs. Understand this context though. This is about the well-being of rhe child who needs to forgive, and move on. Sometimes, even if the parent asks forgiveness, and atones, the child steadfastly holds the parent to the past. In this way the child will stay in a loop of anguish, anger, pain and unforgiveness. This is only self punishment. This is not about forgetting. This is about you unburdening yourself of grief.
Yes i forgave my parents for causing my depression since childhood and now that I’ve healed, I can’t let them bring me back down. I’m there for some holidays and emergencies.
Woow so sorry for the pain you’ve been through. My parents are loving, they both lived in Nigeria and I had to leave Nigeria to Ghana for school in Junior High School. So I had to live with my Aunts for some time in Ghana who were good people but were mostly pushing me around and I tried to be a good child I never complained but I realized that they respected and understood their children . Now that I’m almost in my mid twenties they still want to treat me how they’ve always treated me. They try to send me on errands even when the cousins younger than me are around. Sometimes it’s sad because I think I tolerated these people’s disrespect for a long time and they still don’t respect me but frankly if their kids were to be in my shoes the situation would be different. I know they deliberately just try to disrespect me because they’re intimidated by me so they try to just do something to bring me down. It got to a point where I thought I was mad because I trusted they would never do anything to hurt me. Now I cut them off. It’s sad in an extended family system where these people try to always make you the scapegoat.
Thank you Queen Afua, this quote came to me after I forgave my abusive parents, who have made their transition. I hope it helps someone out there. "I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received" 🙏🏾
But forgiveness, it’s a process correct? That process requires a confession then and apology through repenting. After the repentance comes the forgiveness. Maybe it’s not called forgiving when you don’t get the confession and for them to repent maybe it’s called something else though it’s a good something I don’t really feel it’s called forgiving in the absence of an apology.
I am in an impossible situation with my mother. I have forgiven numerous times her horrible behavior. But for over 20 years the abuse never stopped, from my mother, her siblings, friends and son. I had to cut them off. Yes I forgave but they need to heal; so I can't be around them.
Maybe they did not have the wherewithal at 22 or 24, 30, 40, 50, 60 or 70…etc. Some Parents have never REPENTED or CHANGED and probably never will. So it’s important to understand that one can Forgive them, but it doesn’t mean it’s healthy to have a relationship and allow them the proximity so they can continue to victimize and poison…🧐
True true and forgiven but they still continue to try even at old age to sabotage and manipulate even after you show them what they are doing,too selfish, nope nope entire childhood gone entire young adult life gone I was confused and angry therapy save me from total self destruction what is left of my life belong to my family and me. I have absolutely forgiven them but will not be participating in their madness anymore I am disappointed in myself it took me so so many years to claim my life and know that it was ok to separate myself from the nonsense as it was killing me. I wish them all the bestest nothing against them they are who they are and they deserve the space to be who they are but I am not participating in their toxic world…
You’re talking in circles and have missed the concept of this message. Breaking a cycle has absolutely nothing to do with forgiveness. You broke a cycle, ok , but you are still bound by your past and it’s clear you still have bottled up resentment. Forgiveness is for (personal) healing, nothing else.
Nice message, but highly simplistic. There are some evil parents out here. Forgiveness is a difficult process as it is. Let alone for adult children who have been raped, brutalised or exploited by their parents or at the hands of their parent’s partners. Some parents do not even offer their children the forgiveness they are in need of themselves. By all means, try to forgive if it brings you peace. But for some people peace looks like cutting off toxic family members instead of living in false hope they will change or respond.
And lots of psychological damage to the children. Hold these raggedy ass parent accountable for repeating our starting effed up cycles of abuse and dysfunction.
I do not like the somewhat dismissive treatment of the subject of girls being touched by their irresponsible mother’s partners. It’s a different level of offence, not comparable with more minor parental failings, and devastating for the girls - and boys - this happens to. Yet many parents remain in denial for life. Parents also need to make a step towards their adult children, forgiveness is a team effort.
It’s not always that simple…… to be a ward of the court… and to have parents that pick and choose… but they both skip you…… I can say I forgive ….but there will never be a relationship……
I feel like this applies to parents who simply had shortcomings. This does not apply to parents who were or still are just abusive, manipulative, toxic, and aren't even apologetic. Some grown ass parents with grown ass children still haven't changed and that's truly sad. I'm 40, my mom is 59 so yes she had me pretty young and "old mistakes" as mentioned in this video, have been forgiven but it's the modern day stuff she's STILL doing that keeps us from ever having a relationship. I've been that child that has tried and tried, forgiven countless times, turned a blind eye to some awful things she's done but my mother is just a fucked up person and nothing good can come from me having a relationship with her. Maybe something good for her bcz she's very opportunistic but definitely nothing good for me.
You can forgive if that makes you feel better but of someone is toxic....limit or cut off contact because preserving your mental health is primary. The beauty about becoming an independent adult is you can choose the people who are in your life ❤
@@thatwifelife2138 how you assumed I haven't it's her that is constantly leaving in the past , and I'm an absorber of energy , I cannot continue to absorb someone that doesnt forgive herself.
I remember the day I had the epiphany that forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s about YOU. You forgive to get past that hurt and the damage. I changed the anger I had towards my father to compassion because he was young, didn’t have his father or mother around and didn’t know how to parent. I forgive my mother because she was raised by a tyrant. She’s been in survival mode her whole life. She didn’t have the tools to raise a family but did her best. I don’t have children because I never wanted to cause them harm or bring an innocent into this world. I’m working on reparenting myself in the areas I know I need it.
For those who struggle to understand forgiveness or even how to forgive; please know that forgiveness is a spirit. Seek God and ask him to rest the spirit of forgiveness upon you.
You don’t attract a similar partner as your parent bc of “anger.” You attract that same energy of neglect/abuse bc your mother felt that prior to your birth,and hers etc. (blood line.) A child is a blessing but if taught by their toxic parents that children are burdens then that abuse continues. Forgiving your parents for their mistakes will NOT set you free! Forgiving yourself will. YOU have to forgive yourself or soul for the karma it’s created for itself= YOU! Once you do that then you can move on to peace. Your dysfunctional parent has shown you who you were in a past life. Thus, in this life time it is your DUTY to break that cycle with unconditional love of thyself and then others. Once you love on you and every extension of self your world becomes better ❤
If you don't transform the karma, it is definitely repeated. Although I was fortunate that my Paternal grandparents raised me, I still had relationships like my Mother and Father. Once I forgave both of my parents my heart healed which made me a more compassionate parent and daughter.
@@ShaktiandShiva Self preservation is a must. Once I learned to stand up for myself, narcissist don't come near me which includes my mother and many of my relatives from her side of the family . That's what Imeant by transforming the karma.
@@AroundTheWayGirl88her grandparents raised her so she wasn’t exposed to all the abuse from her parents. That’s how she escaped the repetitive cycle of abuse. Her parents knew they weren’t fit to raise her so they stepped aside and let the grandparents do it. It’s different for those of us who had to really experience living/interacting with our unfit, dysfunctional, abusive, neglectful parents. I think it takes separation (from abusers) and safe space for a consecutive, substantial amount of time before people heal and stop attracting people like their parents but by that time, the damage is usually irreparable imo. I’m 46 and experienced lots of toxicity from my parents even up until now. My father won’t even try to do better by me even though he suffers alone because he’s a narcissist. Forgiving him is not an option for me because he’s done nothing to deserve forgiveness. His apologies were followed by more abuse. As far as I’m concerned, he committed serious parental injustices against me and has not done anything to redeem himself. If he was truly remorseful, I would forgive him, but he’s not. That’s like telling victims of rape and murder to forgive their un remorseful assailants who ruined their lives. They still need to pay for their actions right! I don’t think they deserve forgiveness if they don’t try to pay for their actions by doing better.
I recall looking into my father’s eyes and seeing the pain emanating from deep within his soul. All I could feel was compassion for him. Thank you for this ❤!
I love how she loves. With this stated, I know it is most important to forgive yourself for not knowing you deserved better. In addition you should also give yourself grace for being a child without power and therefore not knowing how to use your power to stay safe with unsafe people and in unsafe environments. As a result you took that into your adulthood because mentally and emotionally you were still a kid. This is more prevalent when it comes to us females.
The thing is in a perfect world this is ideal. But honestly a lot of these parents are toxic and personally I don’t believe you have to deal with anybody. You have to love yourself enough to set healthy boundaries and not allow them to emotionally abuse you. Because bottom line everyone doesn’t grow up.
This woman is not good with words. Dismissal and downplaying experience of kids. I wonder what her own children would say about her? Wasted my time on this old pick me ideology.
Yeh it seems like that to me, she was so busy doing her own thing, that she neglected your daughter and son. Her children seem like they have harsh energy rather than naturally spiritually open, so she may have been harsh with her kids.
Exactly! She's actually projecting and is too narcissistic to admit that parents are to blame because she's currently going through that, but is using her intellect to downplay her actions. I definitely peeped that.
Forgiveness is important. I do think each situation is different. Just because you forgive someone especially if they hurt you it doesn’t mean they have to be in your life. Forgive them and moving on is establishing boundaries. Some of these abusive or negligent parents never knew how to communicate their emotions much less nurture. They too stayed in abusive family relationships and were codependent. I don’t believe in oh but that’s your parent. If they’re wrong they’re wrong. Someone has to break the cycle even if it means forgiving and detaching. A soul family can be built with total strangers. That’s your village
Accountability is very important for parents. I am currently a mental health intern in group sessions with adolescents who have higher suicidal tendencies, and the common dominator of their foundational issues and reason for their suicidal thoughts comes back to their parents. Parents are SO vital in a child's life because they are the first people that they love before they fall in love with their future wives and husbands. It's very important for parents to set a solid foundation for their children. It personally took me 20 years to reconcile with my parents. For me, it was about acceptance, and understanding that this is how my parents are. Once I accepted them for who they were, it was easy to then forgive them and move on. Forgiveness and closure are vital for happiness, but parents should be held accountable for their choices even if they were young at the time, in my opinion.
Right on , the greatest thing my parents did for me was to hand me over to a stable grandmother, while they figure out their b/ s then when I was older I joined them. If they grew me I’d be a damn fool. Thanks parents. Granny ah de best. I agreed with almost everything the great mother said in this clip. Eartha kitt
This is true, but I will never have anything to do with my father, he was a deadbeat, I met him at 19, I was nice and forgiving, I wanted to start a relationship with him, he let me know he still didn't want nothing to do with me, 7 years later I moved in a apartment right around the corner from him, by mistake, been here for about 7 years, I see him from time to time, he speaks, I speak back, that's it, I think he has anxiety about doing me wrong, but I could careless at this point, I was already forgiving to a deadbeat and he basically spit in my face, now we will never know each other, never!!!
That’s heartbreaking. Forgiveness is really releasing anger, bitterness, coldness ect from within and moving forward with love from within regardless. It’s for you. ❤
That’s similar to what happened with my father. Found him at 20 and it was a grave disappointment. He chose his white daughter over me and put me in competition with her, but I chose not to compete. I told him about himself on the phone, in emails and letters sent. Fuck him and her! They don’t even have a good relationship and he was in her life.
Why aren't we allowed to process emotions from toxic and narcissistic parents? Why do we always have to "get over it" and "grow up" and forgive them? Who decided that blaming your parents was bad? Why does forgiveness mean you can't process the emotion and reflect on the pain it inflicted? She doesn't talk about the part where if you forgive your parents, they're still the exact same, nothing has changed and they will still abuse you if they get the chance... this is not realistic to me. She said a woman will attract the same man that her parents are if she doesn't let go and forgive, but what if part of the forgiving process is blaming your parents and realizing how they harmed you and then letting it go?
The goal is to heal, then we can talk about forgiveness. Everybody talking about forgiveness without attempting to heal. Every physical hurt we endure has to heal in order for us to function normally again. Why are we forgiving before we can even do a compassionate enquiry to start the healing first & then forgive. I'm not saying to harbour hurt and pain, but first seek to understand why the hurt and pain was caused in the first place. Then we can talk about forgiveness.
Hmmm for me its more like release. Release them for what they did not know and release myself of the hurt and pain. Also because forgiveness or releasing has happend doesn't mean parents will change. Its important to know parents can also be walked away from to maintain your mental health and peace.
Changed behavior is the ONLY way to obtain forgiveness from me. I will never allow toxic people in my space now that I have control of my life. Family or not.
I speak to my daughter about this topic often. I tell her not to tolerate toxicity even if it means cutting me & her father off if we are toxic & over-bearing. Children didnt ask to be born. I tell her parents are people too...capable of all of the good & bad that comes with being a human. Move accordingly.
Hell no. Every one doesnt deserves forgiveness. If you had a parent who didnt believe you when you expressed sexvual abuse they dont deserve forgiveness. F them!!!
I would love to hear more of HER story as it relates to motherhood. Does she have kids who need to forgive her? (I'm getting that feeling) Are there 'sins' that she would consider 'unforgiveable'? If you're a victim of childhood trauma and is reading this, just know that you do not owe your abuser forgiveness. It's almost like saying God owes us forgiveness for our sins. It does not work that way.
I have to agree. My mother is around Afua's age, and my grandmother died going on 5 years ago, now. About 4 years prior to her death, she put myself and my mother in a horrible situation that put our lives in danger, all for shits and giggles. We weren't on speaking terms with her after that, and we didn't go to her funeral. For myself, I've worked hard at realizing that my grandmother was a sociopath, so I cannot expect her to have loved me the way someone who isn't set up that way neurologically to love me. But for my mom, there's things she'll NEVER forgive my grandmother for, and I believe that is her right. It's hard having an abusive mother who never showed you love. I'm just grateful she turned out to be everything her mother wasn't, so I know what this woman is saying is far from the truth.
@@STARSAPPHIRE91 yes, her blanket statement about forgiveness tells me she is not as wise as she thinks. Unless maybe she's not a Christian who believes in heaven and hell. I am glad for you that your mom did not repeat the crazy. She broke the cycle. Continued blessings to you.
Eh. In traditional cultures, forgiveness isn't something you do unless someone has done something to atone for their transgressions. Just because you don't forgive doesn't mean you have to walk around feeling bitter and angry either. I simply know where one stands and deal with them accordingly based on that. This Western Judeo Christian concept of forgiveness has ruined humanity a great deal.
Some advice for everyone…. Stop caring. Stop caring about what your parents did, what they continue to do. Stop caring how anyone acts towards you, stop caring and set yourself free from all your trauma, and never allow something negative effect you ever again. You’ll be happier
I never had parents. My parents had me at 13 and I was put up for adoption at birth. Never was adopted, had a guardian until the age of 13 when adulthood was placed upon me. There was no village. The struggle in the black community was real in the 80s and 90s living in NYC. We often forget the reality many of us experienced back then. There was a complete breakdown of anything resembling a village. Fast forward, I found my mother via a private investigator in my late 20s. After all the forgiveness I did to take the chance of finding her and connecting, in return she ended up ghosting me less than a year after. Changed her number. Stopped responding to my emails. Haven't heard from her in over 10 years. I cannot forgive that. I have just accepted the fact that I am a daughter of the universe by way of the stars. I have no family to claim and I am not claimed by one. Once I forgave myself for not knowing that it was my self-love that would carry me in this world, that is when I was able to release myself from all the trauma and begin my healing. Peace & Love
I love that, “thank you for sending me to someone that could take care of me” 🙏🏾❤️ my parents have grown and changed over the years. I’ve learned to love them, honor and respect them no matter the past. And I continue to do the work for any unrealized unresolved issues that I may need to removed. ❤️🙏🏾 I pray love and blessings for my parents 🤎🤎
The difference is accountability and apologizing. I am accountable and apologize to my child, we have open communication and my goal is to cause no harm. Mutual respect is extremely important. I never got any of those things from the parent that harmed me the most. She has now created a narrative that she was the perfect parent, when there is no such thing as a perfect parent. How can I begin to relate to someone that delusional? Also, a major component is that I don't feel SAFE. This person has exhibited jealousy towards me from as early as I can remember. I can't relate to this person on any level because I don't understand envy, much less being envious of ones own child. There is a serious issue when someone doesn't even consider that they are toxic and has never spoken to a therapist/psychologist, they aren't worth knowing. Forgive them for yourself, but don't give toxic beings access to harm you again. Love yourself enough to protect yourself from all avoidable harm.
Wow... it's almost like you watched my entire life story with my parents and myself. I guess I can find solace at least in the fact that there's some parents out there that get it. All those toxic traits you mentioned have been going on as long as I've been alive and it gets to the point where you just have to cut off and distance yourself from all of that to be able to maintain your sanity.
I've forgiven my parents for what I saw as shortcomings because, as a parent myself, I now realize there was so much they couldn't have known. My parents weren't perfect, but they did their best. I grew up and became a functional adult and I've been able to move on.
Accountability….. on both ends. I understand what Queen Afua is saying, however if a person knows well and better, then you shouldn’t have an excuse of why you couldn’t make the proper decisions on vetting a man/woman.
I hope this woman really experienced everything she is advising on. I find it difficult to relate to people who have not lived in someone's shoes to have a lot to say in giving advice on how to deal or not to deal with your situation or trauma.
Best books I’ve found for adults of parentification and abuse: ‘Adult Children of Emotional Immature Parents’ and ‘Toxic Parents’. I am the child of a verbal, physical and mentally abusive parent with the other parent being abused as well as their enabler. My parents are still together. One of my siblings left the U.S. continent to escape, the second child is 2.5k miles away. I am also planning on leaving the U.S. as well. If all three of your kids are starting families, yet don’t want to be near you in your older age. That’s very telling.
This is a beautiful explanation of the importance of forgiveness and having an open heart for the highest vibrational version of that paternal/maternal energy to enter our lives in a healed, abundantly joyful state. Thanks for sharing! 🌀
Thank you.. it's goofy to expect a person to be on permanent forgiveness mode when the people that have historically abused them (and often continue to) aren't even accountable or willing to acknowledge their abuse smh
@@lefty206 they never do anything to fix the problems they created or try to heal the people they damaged. They don’t do anything to redeem themselves. Taking accountability is more than apologizing. It involves action and demonstration.
People can only give you their best, even when their best may not be the GOD-GIVEN BEST. Even the outer expression of love may be so emotionally void, simply because your parent never received it either nor knew they were lacking it. Christ’s mercy and compassion tell me as a Somali woman, raised and educated in the West, that my Somali mother gave me her best, even when her best was limited, according to what I know today. I HONOR her, I LOVE HER and APPRECIATE HER for ALL SHE HAS DONE FOR ME, because SHE GAVE me HER ALL, even when get all was not the healthiest all. And I appreciate my spiritual moms for their love and care that keeps growing in the areas I was lacking. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Matthew 7:1-2
My mother screamed angrily that she hates me. Like I never heard her more angrily. I never confronted her about that tho. I love myself. I taught myself the importance of self love. You don’t dictate the love I will always give myself 😅
The issue is that we don’t blame but we understand now what we missed and in trying to have that conversation they feel like we are trying to say they didn’t do enough and they didn’t but the conversation is about growing and understanding which requires to look at your flaws which most older folks don’t want to do … older black folk fear therapy
Nah I am not accepting that crap. Anyone who does is a fool who doesn’t love themself. The proper way to move on is to permanently cut off the relationship. You can’t deal with ppl who tell you “get over it.” They don’t even have the capacity or empathy to want to understand. I refuse to deal with emotionally stunted ppl. They are not human. There’s no forgiveness but there’s no bitterness either. You’re dead to me and I will live a great life and you’ll never cross my mind. It’s really that simple.
@@kimberlybjrc I feel you💯. The thing is you can't say their is no bitterness without any forgiveness. You can forgive someone and never see or speak to them ever again at the same time At some point you have to let go what they did go and move on forward without any negative feelings. These people are who they are.
@@seansworldkc hmmm but I think I literally said there’s no forgiveness but no bitterness either, did I not? So it looks like I can say what I want. There’s no negativity. It’s called indifference and not caring. Simple. It’s possible to let go and move on and have self respect at the same time. There r ppl I am close to by blood that I will feel nothing!!! when they die 🍾🥂In fact, I won’t even know about it, that’s how let go I am. Black ppl stay losing as a group bc of this forgiveness bullshit. Cry me a river 😂
It’s amazing how in the black community you throw a turban 👳♀️ on your head and you become a expert. Most psychologists will tell you there are 6 myths about forgiveness. A person does not need to forgive in order to heal or move on with their life. It’s only vital they ACCEPT what has happened to them in order to heal. That does not equal forgiving the individual for the action they have caused to hurt you. The black community is rampant with EXPERTS with little expertise.
She’s just identifying with other old people like her self. Some who have ruined their kids life and don’t have other options but the kids they discarded
This is good advice..im learning to see my parents as individual adults. The issue that I run into is that my folks pull me into their issues, that has nothing to do with me. My goal is to always be in respect and love mode with them. Most times it works.
If you can tell me how you forgive a man (my father) who sexually abused (vaginally) a 9 year little girl (my sister) and beat the dog crap out of a 10 year (me) I’m all ears. Probably the same rhetoric I’ve heard over my 52 years. Haven’t seen or talked to dude in probably 20-25 years and don’t have a desire or a need to. Honestly some things you can’t forgive or forget with the forgetting part being so damn hard. Smh. So I take it one painful awful depressing angry hateful loving happy optimistic day at a time.
I came to America for my Masters degree at age 32. As a woman my biological clock was ticking so when I meet my husband when I was almost done school? I thought to fast track things to start a family. In the middle of all that , I built a 2 bedroom house for my mom back home and send her $100 every month to feed. She says it’s not enough she expects me to fly her back and forth America. That’s the only way she would think I’ve done something. Due to the fact that I can’t meet that expectations she won’t even answer my calls. Building that house was the most important thing for her life at the time.I did the needful with the little resources I have but she is still not satisfied so what can I do? I have to forget her.
How can you forgive a father who never wanted to meet you? My sperm donor has told me to never contact him. I have just learned to deal with the pain and count my other blessings in life. I have been blessed with a loving husband who will do anything for me and 5 beautiful children. I have learned that not everyone will experience the same blessings in this life.
My daughter accused me of starving her (she’s 185lbs at 5’5” and my mother agreed with Family Services trying to get $ … I could have gone to jail! Every time I involve with her it gets worse. NO MORE. Forgave myself for being stupid about a title.
I truly wish... that instead of once again putting the onus /burden of forgiveness on the now adult child who had to become a forgiveness jedi to survive... that our Elders like Queen Afua finally start talking Directly to Their peers who are the root Of this abu s e. Stop putting the peacekeepers burden on the victim. Yes, the victim of abuse at the hands of a parent needs to find forgiveness To access their well-deserved peace. But not on the abusers timeclock. Talk to your peers in that village that you all Knew were abusing their kids & yall just looked the other way. Dont gaslight the survivors of abuse by centering Their abusers in their forgiveness arc. It's just yet another way to enable the abusers. & post genX, it thankfully is not working the way that used to. Yes... the kid must find a way to forgiveness for their own sanity. BUT every one in the generation of peers to that abuser In that village that looked the other way...is guilty too. Of Actual abuse. Their inaction leaves their hands as bloody...and gaslighting the now adult, survived victim for HOW THEY WORK OUT their own healing... is not going to save them from not doing right by the kids they watched fall by the wayside because the adults were cowards or boldly negligent. Stop telling these barely standing kids to forgive. Tell your peers to apologize.
Are you saying it's ok for people to forgive your parent that permitted child abuse by their spouse your step parent? Or we should forgive wealthy rich fathers for not taking care of their financial responsibility towards the children they left behind or abandoned???
"Parents" are people. and they can be toxic, emotionally abusive, physically abusive, neglectful and unkind to their kids and a way that eclipses not attending athletic games, working long hours etc. Some parents have betrayed, abandoned and deeply TRAUMATIZED their children, who are now Adults. Those Adult kids now owe compassion to THEMSELVES. They deserve to protect, honor and nurture themselves in a way that those truly neglectful parents did not.
My mother has always been a monster. She will be evil until the day she dies. She has no discretion, no remorse, and no compassion. I can't have that kind of energy in me and my daughters' lives. I forgive her, but I will not have a relationship with her. I've made a lot of progress in my healing process, and no one or nothing is going to disturb my peace or steal my joy
Its not just about taking accountability or forgiveness. Change the behavior you are the parent CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR. Your adult child shouldn’t be the only one healing and dealing with their imperfections. We never stop learning and we never stop growing. Its a case of “their stuck in their ways so just forgive and move on” fine lets forgive but CUT YOUR TOXIC PARENT AND NEVER DEAL WITH THEM AGAIN IDC WHAT ITS ABOUT UNTIL THWY GROW UP KEEP THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND HEALING JOURNEY!
The problem I have with this is that the baby boomer generation in particular hasn't shown a lot of growth as they've gotten elderly. Still no accountability for past or current behavior. They hold on to "the parents are ALWAYS right" mentality.
Some parents feel their kids owe them...the parents brought them into this world for goodness sake and it was their duty to do their best to bring them up
A trend? No it’s not a trend it’s facts. Parents do messed up stuff and my parents where old as hell when they decided to do what they did to me like 39 and 50. At 41 just now finding out they’ve been lying to me all my life. My mother demonized my father & constantly exposed him for cheating when I was growing up. Turns out that she cheated too and got pregnant with me by a family friend. They both went to their graves with out telling me. You can’t use the I was young excuse for that. Me and the man I believed was my father were both hurt.
Stop giving inadequacy a pass. Just because you can create a child doesn't mean you should. A child can feel the shape of a pattern immediately, while many adults try to either manipulate what already is into a monetary or emotional gain.
Yes forgiveness is huge!!! It took a while but I find myself saying this more and more sometimes things need to fall apart in order to fall into place. They did their best and it's nothing but love. Things cannot go back to what they was but I see the pain and the love my parents gave and tried to do the best thing. 🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ It's all good God bless guys
Im sorry but my mom letting men touch me is crazy and not having my dad hits even harder im 29 and i never knew this would affect me like this Im trying my best but man it hurts so much ion have no parents out here alone and doing it by myself
Yes my mum will always be my mom I have no other to replace her, however the fact that she never has up to the age of 64 take accountability for her poor choices when she was younger, she still feels it's my father's fault for her present situation.I don't know how to respect her honestly but I still love her and will never neglect her😊
No excuses parents should own up to their bad behavior. If you aren’t stable mentally, physically, or financially then stop bringing children into these traumatized situations.
Forgiveness is definitely a must with any relationship you have in your life. That being said, holding your parents accountable, and reminding them that their actions sometimes caused you pain. It’s all apart of the journey that made us, us. Both parties should be free to share the ways they’ve hurt each other, so they may apologize, forgive, and move on. This has been my experience. However, I agree completely with Aunty about giving your parents their flowers, and saying thank you.
I agree. Alot of adults are frown babies who have not healed. They are children trapped in adult bodies living with hurt. You have to identify the problem and rectify the situation so you can set yourself free from the past and move forward. Don't look back
Sooo if my dad and uncles were sexually abusing me since I was 3 years old & mom turn a blind eye SO WE SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE THEIR TREACHERY WHILE ARE SOULS ARE CRYING
She’s right you have to make very conscious decisions before selecting a mate when you have childhood trauma issues. I never looked for my father in no man. Totally saved my life doing this.
When I changed my perspective, I could see my parents with new eyes, and felt more compassion for them, but that didn’t excuse them for not stepping up for me.
I truly, truly needed to hear this. You never know who you might touch profoundly and indeed this has pierced the deepest part of my being. Thank you....
You said to look at them through different eyes. What about when they're senior citizens? How do grandparents pimp out their granddaughters? Just a question, can you reply with that?
That’s a lot of pain you had to go through! It’s on them to face the consequences of their actions. Forgiveness is your gift to yourself. You don’t want to relive the pain over and over. ❤
Grateful to God and for salvation through Jesus at a young age. That personal relationship helped me see my parents differently and realize I was being cared for beyond them. Being in an eternal relationship based on forgiveness and unconditional love is healing. Learning and growing everyday. Today I am a caregiver for my parents. Still learning how to practice forgiveness and the role our thoughts play in relationships. God guides. Blessings to Queen Afua, her book “Heal Thy Self” was a part of my healing journey in my twenties. The journey continues. Grateful.
Most parents will refuse to even acknowledge they did anything wrong let alone apologize which would go a very long waaaay! Maybe they will do it once you're over them but when that happens it can be too late!
Wow, im at a place of cutting my mother out of my life for good, the onky reason i bare her nastiness is because she loves my child, as for me, she is cold, she is nasty and personally a fake christian. I told her i suffered abuse both physical and mental from childs dad, she laughed, i told her i was off work due to stress etc and throughout my months off not a, are you ok, nothing but day before i went back she said, FINALLY, I TOLD HER THE OTHER DAY I WAS FEELING DEPRESSED, SHE SAID nonsense, the last straw was she asked my child if he trusts me...wtf. her lies and her calling me a lier triggers me from young, im her only child yet she treats me so bad. Im on the verge of hating her, i felt like i grieved her the night i opened up about abuse. I made up my mind shld she pass away, i would even want to be at the funeral because to me its all fake. I long for a mother but im accepting the woman who bore me was never that. Why does God bless such heartless people with kids
If I were you, I wouldn’t let that woman anywhere near my child! If she can’t support you, she doesn’t deserve to be around your child. She’s mentally/emotionally abusive and shouldn’t be trusted around children.
I think it’s pure BS to make someone feel bad for not forgiving their abuser parent or not🤷🏾♀️ I forgive myself for wasting precious time on 🗑️. The abusers need to seek forgiveness from God❤️
NO excuses for these parents in my opinion. If we (children) are capable of working on ourselves to be better than them. Then why wasn’t it on their agenda to be better than their parents. Make the bs make sense. Don’t get me wrong this lady is very much so right in the literal sense. But let’s be real some of these parents blankly do not give a Fk and never will. With All that said (FORGIVENESS IS FOR US NOT THEM) stay strong 💪
Chile lets be for real, for us 80s babies, our parents caused us so much trauma we just didn't know what it was called at the time. They all want to only be known for the good they did but when you tell them the negatives none of them ever takes accountability for their actions. They did no wrong in their eyes. I'm 38 and I forgiven them and let it go after so many attempts to try to fix the pain that they caused me. Meaning Im not around them and hardly ever speak to them but I am at peace with my decision. Moving forward I am raising my kids to enjoy a childhood that they don't have to recover from when they are grown .
I often hear ppl talk about parents and their behaviors at their young age, but when we walk away, they 50-60-70 years plus and still doing things and tbh children are tired. its insanity to continue doing the same thing expecting different results from people who refuse to see beyond "im the parent". how are we as children expected to do the work, but yet we don't hold the parents accountable.
Exactly.. It's insane! You have my parents in their 60s/70s speaking to my 30s/40s self talking about "I'm still the parent" as if relationships don't evolve and are supposed to be some type of power struggle. Nah .. I'm just gonna distance myself PERMANENTLY from that nonsense!
I understand. More than I thought I would by what she said. No one person has ever filled the role in my life as the go to for nurturing. It has involved many people such as relatives, friends, social acquaintances and even kind strangers who genuinely had my best interest. Thank you for sharing this video.
Watch more reasonings from Queen Afua:
Pt.1 ua-cam.com/video/24dPbaZ4uCY/v-deo.html
Pt.2 ua-cam.com/video/8ZtJD0Z4XGU/v-deo.html
Pt.3 ua-cam.com/video/zlfd0Sx_PAc/v-deo.html
Asè 💪🏾👑🔥 I feel so blessed hearing this word.
This doesn’t only apply to forgiveness for parents, because we also must have forgiveness for mankind in general..and also if said parent is still displaying the negative they have in the past , remove yourself from them if it’s a problem for you. Forgive but don’t be a continuous doormat. You can forgive and still support from a distance
There's a huge difference between forgiveness and being a fool. Forgiveness does not mean you have to sit down with them, eat with them, or be their friend forgiveness is for you, it is not for them,
Speak on it
If you can't eat with the ones that made sure you was in nursery vs an abortion clinic...search your heart. Grateful heart .. forgive alll
@@kamekamoore3770 we’re not supposed to love toxic people the same as loving people forgive them and move on.
💯❤
@@kamekamoore3770so a young woman should eat with her father even if he abused her her whole life? No. She can forgive him in her heart and pray for his healing from a safe distance. That woman is me. Forgiving doesn't mean to continue getting hurt and abused. It means you can have compassion and love for someone DESPITE the abuse while staying away and protecting your heart. Peace 💖
I feel a lot of parents need to understand that nobody owes them for life choices they’ve made
FACTS!!!!
This comment is the one ‼️💯
📌
True. The answer for children is to take a lot of space from your parents, esp if they don't wanna be accountable at all.
indeed
No accountability from parents even though children’s lives have literally been ruined. I will not downplay the effects of adult behavior against children.
💯💯💯
Exactly
You don't have to downplay the harm or effects of it in order to forgive.
@@GeeBee212
True, thank you.
Sometimes we have to forgive and let go.
This was not about the parents.
Of course they must be held accountable. They must atone for any wrongs.
Understand this context though.
This is about the well-being of rhe child who needs to forgive, and move on.
Sometimes, even if the parent asks forgiveness, and atones, the child steadfastly holds the parent to the past. In this way the child will stay in a loop of anguish, anger, pain and unforgiveness. This is only self punishment.
This is not about forgetting.
This is about you unburdening yourself of grief.
Yes i forgave my parents for causing my depression since childhood and now that I’ve healed, I can’t let them bring me back down. I’m there for some holidays and emergencies.
Woow so sorry for the pain you’ve been through. My parents are loving, they both lived in Nigeria and I had to leave Nigeria to Ghana for school in Junior High School. So I had to live with my Aunts for some time in Ghana who were good people but were mostly pushing me around and I tried to be a good child I never complained but I realized that they respected and understood their children . Now that I’m almost in my mid twenties they still want to treat me how they’ve always treated me. They try to send me on errands even when the cousins younger than me are around. Sometimes it’s sad because I think I tolerated these people’s disrespect for a long time and they still don’t respect me but frankly if their kids were to be in my shoes the situation would be different. I know they deliberately just try to disrespect me because they’re intimidated by me so they try to just do something to bring me down. It got to a point where I thought I was mad because I trusted they would never do anything to hurt me. Now I cut them off. It’s sad in an extended family system where these people try to always make you the scapegoat.
Thank you Queen Afua, this quote came to me after I forgave my abusive parents, who have made their transition. I hope it helps someone out there. "I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received" 🙏🏾
💪😎💯💥
Transition as in they died?
@@idontknowyetwhoiamyes, transition means to pass away. Death of the human body.
Beautiful quote❤thank you
But forgiveness, it’s a process correct? That process requires a confession then and apology through repenting. After the repentance comes the forgiveness. Maybe it’s not called forgiving when you don’t get the confession and for them to repent maybe it’s called something else though it’s a good something I don’t really feel it’s called forgiving in the absence of an apology.
I am in an impossible situation with my mother.
I have forgiven numerous times her horrible behavior.
But for over 20 years the abuse never stopped, from my mother, her siblings, friends and son.
I had to cut them off. Yes I forgave but they need to heal; so I can't be around them.
There's a quote that goes something like, "forgiving someone in silence and never speaking to them again is a form of self care."
ireneugeba5282, yes. You must save yourself.
You did exactly what is required of you. Good for you!
Me too ❤️🔥❤️🔥 it’s painful but I’m healing and working through it all. All the best to you and lots of love xo
Ditto, Irene. I’ve forgiven way too many times, but the hateful abuse is getting even more toxic with her age, & it’s time to sever ties.
Maybe they did not have the wherewithal at 22 or 24, 30, 40, 50, 60 or 70…etc. Some Parents have never REPENTED or CHANGED and probably never will. So it’s important to understand that one can Forgive them, but it doesn’t mean it’s healthy to have a relationship and allow them the proximity so they can continue to victimize and poison…🧐
True true and forgiven but they still continue to try even at old age to sabotage and manipulate even after you show them what they are doing,too selfish, nope nope entire childhood gone entire young adult life gone I was confused and angry therapy save me from total self destruction what is left of my life belong to my family and me. I have absolutely forgiven them but will not be participating in their madness anymore I am disappointed in myself it took me so so many years to claim my life and know that it was ok to separate myself from the nonsense as it was killing me. I wish them all the bestest nothing against them they are who they are and they deserve the space to be who they are but I am not participating in their toxic world…
Amen ❤
Don’t think that’s what she’s saying sweetheart
Some parents are down right abusive and have done more damage to their children than anything
Exactly
Absolutely.
Right!
Facts.
...And continue to do even into adulthood
I never forgave my mother and I broke the cycle. I love my kids, I show them, support them. So, it depends on the person and situation
Forgiveness doesn't look like condoning what someone did, it's realizing theyre messed up. You're ability to forgive is to let go of that pain
You’re talking in circles and have missed the concept of this message. Breaking a cycle has absolutely nothing to do with forgiveness. You broke a cycle, ok , but you are still bound by your past and it’s clear you still have bottled up resentment. Forgiveness is for (personal) healing, nothing else.
Nice message, but highly simplistic. There are some evil parents out here. Forgiveness is a difficult process as it is. Let alone for adult children who have been raped, brutalised or exploited by their parents or at the hands of their parent’s partners. Some parents do not even offer their children the forgiveness they are in need of themselves. By all means, try to forgive if it brings you peace. But for some people peace looks like cutting off toxic family members instead of living in false hope they will change or respond.
Amen
Factz!
For dads that rape their daughters, they will only be forgiven when they are already behind bars
Exactly 💯
Well said 🙏🏾
Making excuses for ppl is a terrible standard for life .
Terrible! Thank you🙏🏾
Yup!
📌 Not everyone is worthy to be forgiven. Just let go.
you summed it up perfectly.
Yup and they NEVER change with said mindset. It's practically condoning said behavior
Having this culture of kissing parents asses no matter what they do has led to a lot of abuse
And lots of psychological damage to the children. Hold these raggedy ass parent accountable for repeating our starting effed up cycles of abuse and dysfunction.
I do not like the somewhat dismissive treatment of the subject of girls being touched by their irresponsible mother’s partners. It’s a different level of offence, not comparable with more minor parental failings, and devastating for the girls - and boys - this happens to. Yet many parents remain in denial for life. Parents also need to make a step towards their adult children, forgiveness is a team effort.
It’s broken up into parts, look at the other ones instead of going off just one video
It’s not always that simple…… to be a ward of the court… and to have parents that pick and choose… but they both skip you…… I can say I forgive ….but there will never be a relationship……
An I stand with you on that, forgive? Yes, but forgive for yourself, an there's no harm in not wanting to have nothing to do with someone!
@@kennyhumble3699 Ty
And that is absolutely your right. You have to protect yourself.
@@TexasDymond01 🫡🙏🏿
This and This.
I feel like this applies to parents who simply had shortcomings. This does not apply to parents who were or still are just abusive, manipulative, toxic, and aren't even apologetic. Some grown ass parents with grown ass children still haven't changed and that's truly sad. I'm 40, my mom is 59 so yes she had me pretty young and "old mistakes" as mentioned in this video, have been forgiven but it's the modern day stuff she's STILL doing that keeps us from ever having a relationship. I've been that child that has tried and tried, forgiven countless times, turned a blind eye to some awful things she's done but my mother is just a fucked up person and nothing good can come from me having a relationship with her. Maybe something good for her bcz she's very opportunistic but definitely nothing good for me.
I agree.
I'm in the same predicament
Your right! 💯
Absolutely. You have no obligation towards parents who keep on being abusive to you.
THANK YOU.
I share the same!!!!
You can forgive if that makes you feel better but of someone is toxic....limit or cut off contact because preserving your mental health is primary. The beauty about becoming an independent adult is you can choose the people who are in your life ❤
Mom is a narcissist. Full. Staying away gives me peace...
Forgive her, narcs are the most deeply wounded people walking this earth. Learn her story, it will help you feel compassion for her. And move on.
@@thatwifelife2138 how you assumed I haven't it's her that is constantly leaving in the past , and I'm an absorber of energy , I cannot continue to absorb someone that doesnt forgive herself.
I remember the day I had the epiphany that forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s about YOU. You forgive to get past that hurt and the damage. I changed the anger I had towards my father to compassion because he was young, didn’t have his father or mother around and didn’t know how to parent. I forgive my mother because she was raised by a tyrant. She’s been in survival mode her whole life. She didn’t have the tools to raise a family but did her best. I don’t have children because I never wanted to cause them harm or bring an innocent into this world. I’m working on reparenting myself in the areas I know I need it.
Yes
Amen 🙏
For those who struggle to understand forgiveness or even how to forgive; please know that forgiveness is a spirit. Seek God and ask him to rest the spirit of forgiveness upon you.
You don’t attract a similar partner as your parent bc of “anger.” You attract that same energy of neglect/abuse bc your mother felt that prior to your birth,and hers etc. (blood line.) A child is a blessing but if taught by their toxic parents that children are burdens then that abuse continues. Forgiving your parents for their mistakes will NOT set you free! Forgiving yourself will. YOU have to forgive yourself or soul for the karma it’s created for itself= YOU! Once you do that then you can move on to peace. Your dysfunctional parent has shown you who you were in a past life. Thus, in this life time it is your DUTY to break that cycle with unconditional love of thyself and then others. Once you love on you and every extension of self your world becomes better ❤
If you don't transform the karma, it is definitely repeated. Although I was fortunate that my Paternal grandparents raised me, I still had relationships like my Mother and Father. Once I forgave both of my parents my heart healed which made me a more compassionate parent and daughter.
AMEN❤
Same but I still had to stay away to get peace cause my mom is a narcissist.
@@ShaktiandShiva Self preservation is a must. Once I learned to stand up for myself, narcissist don't come near me which includes my mother and many of my relatives from her side of the family . That's what Imeant by transforming the karma.
Explain how to transform the karma please and thank you. ☮️❤️
@@AroundTheWayGirl88her grandparents raised her so she wasn’t exposed to all the abuse from her parents. That’s how she escaped the repetitive cycle of abuse. Her parents knew they weren’t fit to raise her so they stepped aside and let the grandparents do it.
It’s different for those of us who had to really experience living/interacting with our unfit, dysfunctional, abusive, neglectful parents. I think it takes separation (from abusers) and safe space for a consecutive, substantial amount of time before people heal and stop attracting people like their parents but by that time, the damage is usually irreparable imo.
I’m 46 and experienced lots of toxicity from my parents even up until now. My father won’t even try to do better by me even though he suffers alone because he’s a narcissist. Forgiving him is not an option for me because he’s done nothing to deserve forgiveness. His apologies were followed by more abuse. As far as I’m concerned, he committed serious parental injustices against me and has not done anything to redeem himself. If he was truly remorseful, I would forgive him, but he’s not.
That’s like telling victims of rape and murder to forgive their un remorseful assailants who ruined their lives. They still need to pay for their actions right! I don’t think they deserve forgiveness if they don’t try to pay for their actions by doing better.
I recall looking into my father’s eyes and seeing the pain emanating from deep within his soul. All I could feel was compassion for him. Thank you for this ❤!
I love how she loves.
With this stated, I know it is most important to forgive yourself for not knowing you deserved better. In addition you should also give yourself grace for being a child without power and therefore not knowing how to use your power to stay safe with unsafe people and in unsafe environments. As a result you took that into your adulthood because mentally and emotionally you were still a kid. This is more prevalent when it comes to us females.
Well said 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
This is so true, I went into foster care at 6, my mother was on drugs. A village carried me to 18
Stay blessed
✨💫✨🫶🏼
*Having a talk with my parents as an adult was very eye opening for me and I defiinitely can grant them grace for their actions/decisions.*
Saying people want to be mad and angry at their parents is wild. I believe we all want love respect and accountability from our parents.
The thing is in a perfect world this is ideal. But honestly a lot of these parents are toxic and personally I don’t believe you have to deal with anybody. You have to love yourself enough to set healthy boundaries and not allow them to emotionally abuse you. Because bottom line everyone doesn’t grow up.
❤ TRUE
This woman is not good with words. Dismissal and downplaying experience of kids. I wonder what her own children would say about her? Wasted my time on this old pick me ideology.
Yeh it seems like that to me, she was so busy doing her own thing, that she neglected your daughter and son. Her children seem like they have harsh energy rather than naturally spiritually open, so she may have been harsh with her kids.
Exactly! She's actually projecting and is too narcissistic to admit that parents are to blame because she's currently going through that, but is using her intellect to downplay her actions. I definitely peeped that.
Forgiveness is important. I do think each situation is different. Just because you forgive someone especially if they hurt you it doesn’t mean they have to be in your life. Forgive them and moving on is establishing boundaries. Some of these abusive or negligent parents never knew how to communicate their emotions much less nurture. They too stayed in abusive family relationships and were codependent. I don’t believe in oh but that’s your parent. If they’re wrong they’re wrong. Someone has to break the cycle even if it means forgiving and detaching. A soul family can be built with total strangers. That’s your village
Accountability is very important for parents. I am currently a mental health intern in group sessions with adolescents who have higher suicidal tendencies, and the common dominator of their foundational issues and reason for their suicidal thoughts comes back to their parents. Parents are SO vital in a child's life because they are the first people that they love before they fall in love with their future wives and husbands. It's very important for parents to set a solid foundation for their children. It personally took me 20 years to reconcile with my parents. For me, it was about acceptance, and understanding that this is how my parents are. Once I accepted them for who they were, it was easy to then forgive them and move on. Forgiveness and closure are vital for happiness, but parents should be held accountable for their choices even if they were young at the time, in my opinion.
Right on , the greatest thing my parents did for me was to hand me over to a stable grandmother, while they figure out their b/ s then when I was older I joined them. If they grew me I’d be a damn fool. Thanks parents. Granny ah de best.
I agreed with almost everything the great mother said in this clip. Eartha kitt
This is true, but I will never have anything to do with my father, he was a deadbeat, I met him at 19, I was nice and forgiving, I wanted to start a relationship with him, he let me know he still didn't want nothing to do with me, 7 years later I moved in a apartment right around the corner from him, by mistake, been here for about 7 years, I see him from time to time, he speaks, I speak back, that's it, I think he has anxiety about doing me wrong, but I could careless at this point, I was already forgiving to a deadbeat and he basically spit in my face, now we will never know each other, never!!!
That’s heartbreaking. Forgiveness is really releasing anger, bitterness, coldness ect from within and moving forward with love from within regardless. It’s for you. ❤
That’s similar to what happened with my father. Found him at 20 and it was a grave disappointment. He chose his white daughter over me and put me in competition with her, but I chose not to compete. I told him about himself on the phone, in emails and letters sent. Fuck him and her! They don’t even have a good relationship and he was in her life.
You are better than me, I would took revenge on him with a mike Tyson punch to the face
Why aren't we allowed to process emotions from toxic and narcissistic parents? Why do we always have to "get over it" and "grow up" and forgive them? Who decided that blaming your parents was bad? Why does forgiveness mean you can't process the emotion and reflect on the pain it inflicted? She doesn't talk about the part where if you forgive your parents, they're still the exact same, nothing has changed and they will still abuse you if they get the chance... this is not realistic to me.
She said a woman will attract the same man that her parents are if she doesn't let go and forgive, but what if part of the forgiving process is blaming your parents and realizing how they harmed you and then letting it go?
❤❤❤💥✍️ YOU SAID THE WHOLE TRUTH‼️🎤
I can listen to this woman all day long🙏🏾👑🖤Thanks and bless
The goal is to heal, then we can talk about forgiveness. Everybody talking about forgiveness without attempting to heal. Every physical hurt we endure has to heal in order for us to function normally again.
Why are we forgiving before we can even do a compassionate enquiry to start the healing first & then forgive.
I'm not saying to harbour hurt and pain, but first seek to understand why the hurt and pain was caused in the first place. Then we can talk about forgiveness.
💯
Right like I wish everyone could understand that
We can’t talk about forgiving one’s parents without first teaching how to forgive one’s self. You can’t give what you aren’t operating in.
Hmmm for me its more like release. Release them for what they did not know and release myself of the hurt and pain.
Also because forgiveness or releasing has happend doesn't mean parents will change. Its important to know parents can also be walked away from to maintain your mental health and peace.
Changed behavior is the ONLY way to obtain forgiveness from me. I will never allow toxic people in my space now that I have control of my life. Family or not.
I speak to my daughter about this topic often. I tell her not to tolerate toxicity even if it means cutting me & her father off if we are toxic & over-bearing. Children didnt ask to be born.
I tell her parents are people too...capable of all of the good & bad that comes with being a human.
Move accordingly.
Hell no. Every one doesnt deserves forgiveness. If you had a parent who didnt believe you when you expressed sexvual abuse they dont deserve forgiveness. F them!!!
I would love to hear more of HER story as it relates to motherhood. Does she have kids who need to forgive her? (I'm getting that feeling) Are there 'sins' that she would consider 'unforgiveable'? If you're a victim of childhood trauma and is reading this, just know that you do not owe your abuser forgiveness. It's almost like saying God owes us forgiveness for our sins. It does not work that way.
I have to agree. My mother is around Afua's age, and my grandmother died going on 5 years ago, now. About 4 years prior to her death, she put myself and my mother in a horrible situation that put our lives in danger, all for shits and giggles. We weren't on speaking terms with her after that, and we didn't go to her funeral. For myself, I've worked hard at realizing that my grandmother was a sociopath, so I cannot expect her to have loved me the way someone who isn't set up that way neurologically to love me. But for my mom, there's things she'll NEVER forgive my grandmother for, and I believe that is her right. It's hard having an abusive mother who never showed you love. I'm just grateful she turned out to be everything her mother wasn't, so I know what this woman is saying is far from the truth.
@@STARSAPPHIRE91 yes, her blanket statement about forgiveness tells me she is not as wise as she thinks. Unless maybe she's not a Christian who believes in heaven and hell. I am glad for you that your mom did not repeat the crazy. She broke the cycle. Continued blessings to you.
Forgiveness is for you, not for them.
@@Noel-Marie4 same as how forgiveness is for God, not really for us sinners? Stop repeating the b/s
@@avamaria8447 LOL
Moral to live by: some parents deserve respect, most of them don’t. Period!
Eh. In traditional cultures, forgiveness isn't something you do unless someone has done something to atone for their transgressions. Just because you don't forgive doesn't mean you have to walk around feeling bitter and angry either. I simply know where one stands and deal with them accordingly based on that. This Western Judeo Christian concept of forgiveness has ruined humanity a great deal.
Preach!
Some advice for everyone…. Stop caring. Stop caring about what your parents did, what they continue to do. Stop caring how anyone acts towards you, stop caring and set yourself free from all your trauma, and never allow something negative effect you ever again. You’ll be happier
I love Queen Aria…but can we get the perspective of an Elder who can relate to being abandoned and neglected by BOTH parents?
I never had parents. My parents had me at 13 and I was put up for adoption at birth. Never was adopted, had a guardian until the age of 13 when adulthood was placed upon me. There was no village. The struggle in the black community was real in the 80s and 90s living in NYC. We often forget the reality many of us experienced back then. There was a complete breakdown of anything resembling a village. Fast forward, I found my mother via a private investigator in my late 20s. After all the forgiveness I did to take the chance of finding her and connecting, in return she ended up ghosting me less than a year after. Changed her number. Stopped responding to my emails. Haven't heard from her in over 10 years. I cannot forgive that. I have just accepted the fact that I am a daughter of the universe by way of the stars. I have no family to claim and I am not claimed by one. Once I forgave myself for not knowing that it was my self-love that would carry me in this world, that is when I was able to release myself from all the trauma and begin my healing.
Peace & Love
Sorry you went through this, and no offense but anybody that would treat their own offspring like that is trash smh
I love that, “thank you for sending me to someone that could take care of me” 🙏🏾❤️ my parents have grown and changed over the years. I’ve learned to love them, honor and respect them no matter the past. And I continue to do the work for any unrealized unresolved issues that I may need to removed. ❤️🙏🏾 I pray love and blessings for my parents 🤎🤎
The difference is accountability and apologizing. I am accountable and apologize to my child, we have open communication and my goal is to cause no harm. Mutual respect is extremely important. I never got any of those things from the parent that harmed me the most. She has now created a narrative that she was the perfect parent, when there is no such thing as a perfect parent. How can I begin to relate to someone that delusional? Also, a major component is that I don't feel SAFE. This person has exhibited jealousy towards me from as early as I can remember. I can't relate to this person on any level because I don't understand envy, much less being envious of ones own child. There is a serious issue when someone doesn't even consider that they are toxic and has never spoken to a therapist/psychologist, they aren't worth knowing. Forgive them for yourself, but don't give toxic beings access to harm you again. Love yourself enough to protect yourself from all avoidable harm.
Wow... it's almost like you watched my entire life story with my parents and myself. I guess I can find solace at least in the fact that there's some parents out there that get it. All those toxic traits you mentioned have been going on as long as I've been alive and it gets to the point where you just have to cut off and distance yourself from all of that to be able to maintain your sanity.
I've forgiven my parents for what I saw as shortcomings because, as a parent myself, I now realize there was so much they couldn't have known. My parents weren't perfect, but they did their best. I grew up and became a functional adult and I've been able to move on.
Accountability….. on both ends. I understand what Queen Afua is saying, however if a person knows well and better, then you shouldn’t have an excuse of why you couldn’t make the proper decisions on vetting a man/woman.
I hope this woman really experienced everything she is advising on. I find it difficult to relate to people who have not lived in someone's shoes to have a lot to say in giving advice on how to deal or not to deal with your situation or trauma.
❤it's most definitely a eye opener I'm going through this right now just on time thank you and the most high 🙏🏾 🙌🏾 🩶💯
Best books I’ve found for adults of parentification and abuse: ‘Adult Children of Emotional Immature Parents’ and ‘Toxic Parents’.
I am the child of a verbal, physical and mentally abusive parent with the other parent being abused as well as their enabler. My parents are still together. One of my siblings left the U.S. continent to escape, the second child is 2.5k miles away. I am also planning on leaving the U.S. as well.
If all three of your kids are starting families, yet don’t want to be near you in your older age. That’s very telling.
This is a beautiful explanation of the importance of forgiveness and having an open heart for the highest vibrational version of that paternal/maternal energy to enter our lives in a healed, abundantly joyful state.
Thanks for sharing! 🌀
The only way people deserve forgiveness is if they take accountability and most people don’t.
Thank you.. it's goofy to expect a person to be on permanent forgiveness mode when the people that have historically abused them (and often continue to) aren't even accountable or willing to acknowledge their abuse smh
@@lefty206 they never do anything to fix the problems they created or try to heal the people they damaged. They don’t do anything to redeem themselves. Taking accountability is more than apologizing. It involves action and demonstration.
People can only give you their best, even when their best may not be the GOD-GIVEN BEST. Even the outer expression of love may be so emotionally void, simply because your parent never received it either nor knew they were lacking it. Christ’s mercy and compassion tell me as a Somali woman, raised and educated in the West, that my Somali mother gave me her best, even when her best was limited, according to what I know today. I HONOR her, I LOVE HER and APPRECIATE HER for ALL SHE HAS DONE FOR ME, because SHE GAVE me HER ALL, even when get all was not the healthiest all. And I appreciate my spiritual moms for their love and care that keeps growing in the areas I was lacking.
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Matthew 7:1-2
My mother screamed angrily that she hates me. Like I never heard her more angrily. I never confronted her about that tho.
I love myself. I taught myself the importance of self love. You don’t dictate the love I will always give myself 😅
The issue is that we don’t blame but we understand now what we missed and in trying to have that conversation they feel like we are trying to say they didn’t do enough and they didn’t but the conversation is about growing and understanding which requires to look at your flaws which most older folks don’t want to do … older black folk fear therapy
Older folks are stuck in their ways. We just have to accept whatever response they give and move on.
Nah I am not accepting that crap. Anyone who does is a fool who doesn’t love themself. The proper way to move on is to permanently cut off the relationship. You can’t deal with ppl who tell you “get over it.” They don’t even have the capacity or empathy to want to understand. I refuse to deal with emotionally stunted ppl. They are not human. There’s no forgiveness but there’s no bitterness either. You’re dead to me and I will live a great life and you’ll never cross my mind. It’s really that simple.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@@kimberlybjrc I feel you💯. The thing is you can't say their is no bitterness without any forgiveness. You can forgive someone and never see or speak to them ever again at the same time
At some point you have to let go what they did go and move on forward without any negative feelings. These people are who they are.
@@seansworldkc hmmm but I think I literally said there’s no forgiveness but no bitterness either, did I not? So it looks like I can say what I want. There’s no negativity. It’s called indifference and not caring. Simple. It’s possible to let go and move on and have self respect at the same time. There r ppl I am close to by blood that I will feel nothing!!! when they die 🍾🥂In fact, I won’t even know about it, that’s how let go I am. Black ppl stay losing as a group bc of this forgiveness bullshit. Cry me a river 😂
It’s amazing how in the black community you throw a turban 👳♀️ on your head and you become a expert. Most psychologists will tell you there are 6 myths about forgiveness. A person does not need to forgive in order to heal or move on with their life. It’s only vital they ACCEPT what has happened to them in order to heal. That does not equal forgiving the individual for the action they have caused to hurt you. The black community is rampant with EXPERTS with little expertise.
She’s just identifying with other old people like her self. Some who have ruined their kids life and don’t have other options but the kids they discarded
💯😂
This is good advice..im learning to see my parents as individual adults. The issue that I run into is that my folks pull me into their issues, that has nothing to do with me. My goal is to always be in respect and love mode with them. Most times it works.
If you can tell me how you forgive a man (my father) who sexually abused (vaginally) a 9 year little girl (my sister) and beat the dog crap out of a 10 year (me) I’m all ears. Probably the same rhetoric I’ve heard over my 52 years. Haven’t seen or talked to dude in probably 20-25 years and don’t have a desire or a need to. Honestly some things you can’t forgive or forget with the forgetting part being so damn hard. Smh. So I take it one painful awful depressing angry hateful loving happy optimistic day at a time.
I take weed and shrooms to help with my mental trauma.
💯💔
I came to America for my Masters degree at age 32. As a woman my biological clock was ticking so when I meet my husband when I was almost done school? I thought to fast track things to start a family. In the middle of all that , I built a 2 bedroom house for my mom back home and send her $100 every month to feed. She says it’s not enough she expects me to fly her back and forth America. That’s the only way she would think I’ve done something. Due to the fact that I can’t meet that expectations she won’t even answer my calls. Building that house was the most important thing for her life at the time.I did the needful with the little resources I have but she is still not satisfied so what can I do? I have to forget her.
How can you forgive a father who never wanted to meet you? My sperm donor has told me to never contact him.
I have just learned to deal with the pain and count my other blessings in life. I have been blessed with a loving husband who will do anything for me and 5 beautiful children. I have learned that not everyone will experience the same blessings in this life.
My daughter accused me of starving her (she’s 185lbs at 5’5” and my mother agreed with Family Services trying to get $ … I could have gone to jail! Every time I involve with her it gets worse. NO MORE. Forgave myself for being stupid about a title.
I am deeply sorry you went through that.
I truly wish... that instead of once again putting the onus /burden of forgiveness on the now adult child who had to become a forgiveness jedi to survive... that our Elders like Queen Afua finally start talking Directly to Their peers who are the root Of this abu s e.
Stop putting the peacekeepers burden on the victim.
Yes, the victim of abuse at the hands of a parent needs to find forgiveness To access their well-deserved peace.
But not on the abusers timeclock.
Talk to your peers in that village that you all Knew were abusing their kids & yall just looked the other way.
Dont gaslight the survivors of abuse by centering Their abusers in their forgiveness arc.
It's just yet another way to enable the abusers.
& post genX, it thankfully is not working the way that used to.
Yes... the kid must find a way to forgiveness for their own sanity.
BUT every one in the generation of peers to that abuser In that village that looked the other way...is guilty too. Of Actual abuse.
Their inaction leaves their hands as bloody...and gaslighting the now adult, survived victim for HOW THEY WORK OUT their own healing... is not going to save them from not doing right by the kids they watched fall by the wayside because the adults were cowards or boldly negligent.
Stop telling these barely standing kids to forgive. Tell your peers to apologize.
When you are in your 40s and your parents are still toxic, distance yourself! You don’t have to continue to deal with them!!!
My mother
Amen!
Are you saying it's ok for people to forgive your parent that permitted child abuse by their spouse your step parent? Or we should forgive wealthy rich fathers for not taking care of their financial responsibility towards the children they left behind or abandoned???
"Parents" are people. and they can be toxic, emotionally abusive, physically abusive, neglectful and unkind to their kids and a way that eclipses not attending athletic games, working long hours etc. Some parents have betrayed, abandoned and deeply TRAUMATIZED their children, who are now Adults. Those Adult kids now owe compassion to THEMSELVES. They deserve to protect, honor and nurture themselves in a way that those truly neglectful parents did not.
My mother has always been a monster. She will be evil until the day she dies. She has no discretion, no remorse, and no compassion. I can't have that kind of energy in me and my daughters' lives. I forgive her, but I will not have a relationship with her. I've made a lot of progress in my healing process, and no one or nothing is going to disturb my peace or steal my joy
Its not just about taking accountability or forgiveness. Change the behavior you are the parent CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR. Your adult child shouldn’t be the only one healing and dealing with their imperfections. We never stop learning and we never stop growing. Its a case of “their stuck in their ways so just forgive and move on” fine lets forgive but CUT YOUR TOXIC PARENT AND NEVER DEAL WITH THEM AGAIN IDC WHAT ITS ABOUT UNTIL THWY GROW UP KEEP THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND HEALING JOURNEY!
The problem I have with this is that the baby boomer generation in particular hasn't shown a lot of growth as they've gotten elderly. Still no accountability for past or current behavior. They hold on to "the parents are ALWAYS right" mentality.
Some parents feel their kids owe them...the parents brought them into this world for goodness sake and it was their duty to do their best to bring them up
A trend? No it’s not a trend it’s facts. Parents do messed up stuff and my parents where old as hell when they decided to do what they did to me like 39 and 50. At 41 just now finding out they’ve been lying to me all my life. My mother demonized my father & constantly exposed him for cheating when I was growing up. Turns out that she cheated too and got pregnant with me by a family friend. They both went to their graves with out telling me. You can’t use the I was young excuse for that. Me and the man I believed was my father were both hurt.
Her advice doesn’t apply to real life situations with abusive parents.
Stop giving inadequacy a pass. Just because you can create a child doesn't mean you should. A child can feel the shape of a pattern immediately, while many adults try to either manipulate what already is into a monetary or emotional gain.
Yes forgiveness is huge!!! It took a while but I find myself saying this more and more sometimes things need to fall apart in order to fall into place. They did their best and it's nothing but love. Things cannot go back to what they was but I see the pain and the love my parents gave and tried to do the best thing. 🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ It's all good God bless guys
Im sorry but my mom letting men touch me is crazy and not having my dad hits even harder im 29 and i never knew this would affect me like this
Im trying my best but man it hurts so much ion have no parents out here alone and doing it by myself
I pray for your healing and hopefully you can truly achieve peace and happiness in life. Sorry you went thru that smh
Yes my mum will always be my mom I have no other to replace her, however the fact that she never has up to the age of 64 take accountability for her poor choices when she was younger, she still feels it's my father's fault for her present situation.I don't know how to respect her honestly but I still love her and will never neglect her😊
No excuses parents should own up to their bad behavior. If you aren’t stable mentally, physically, or financially then stop bringing children into these traumatized situations.
Forgiveness is definitely a must with any relationship you have in your life. That being said, holding your parents accountable, and reminding them that their actions sometimes caused you pain. It’s all apart of the journey that made us, us. Both parties should be free to share the ways they’ve hurt each other, so they may apologize, forgive, and move on. This has been my experience. However, I agree completely with Aunty about giving your parents their flowers, and saying thank you.
If it takes a village to raise a child then parents should allow others to educate and call out their kid’s wrongs as well, but do they???
I agree. Alot of adults are frown babies who have not healed. They are children trapped in adult bodies living with hurt. You have to identify the problem and rectify the situation so you can set yourself free from the past and move forward. Don't look back
Sooo if my dad and uncles were sexually abusing me since I was 3 years old & mom turn a blind eye SO WE SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE THEIR TREACHERY WHILE ARE SOULS ARE CRYING
She’s right you have to make very conscious decisions before selecting a mate when you have childhood trauma issues.
I never looked for my father in no man. Totally saved my life doing this.
When I changed my perspective, I could see my parents with new eyes, and felt more compassion for them, but that didn’t excuse them for not stepping up for me.
I truly, truly needed to hear this. You never know who you might touch profoundly and indeed this has pierced the deepest part of my being. Thank you....
You said to look at them through different eyes. What about when they're senior citizens? How do grandparents pimp out their granddaughters? Just a question, can you reply with that?
That’s a lot of pain you had to go through! It’s on them to face the consequences of their actions. Forgiveness is your gift to yourself. You don’t want to relive the pain over and over. ❤
Grateful to God and for salvation through Jesus at a young age. That personal relationship helped me see my parents differently and realize I was being cared for beyond them. Being in an eternal relationship based on forgiveness and unconditional love is healing. Learning and growing everyday. Today I am a caregiver for my parents. Still learning how to practice forgiveness and the role our thoughts play in relationships. God guides.
Blessings to Queen Afua, her book “Heal Thy Self” was a part of my healing journey in my twenties.
The journey continues. Grateful.
Most parents will refuse to even acknowledge they did anything wrong let alone apologize which would go a very long waaaay! Maybe they will do it once you're over them but when that happens it can be too late!
Wow, im at a place of cutting my mother out of my life for good, the onky reason i bare her nastiness is because she loves my child, as for me, she is cold, she is nasty and personally a fake christian. I told her i suffered abuse both physical and mental from childs dad, she laughed, i told her i was off work due to stress etc and throughout my months off not a, are you ok, nothing but day before i went back she said, FINALLY, I TOLD HER THE OTHER DAY I WAS FEELING DEPRESSED, SHE SAID nonsense, the last straw was she asked my child if he trusts me...wtf. her lies and her calling me a lier triggers me from young, im her only child yet she treats me so bad. Im on the verge of hating her, i felt like i grieved her the night i opened up about abuse. I made up my mind shld she pass away, i would even want to be at the funeral because to me its all fake. I long for a mother but im accepting the woman who bore me was never that. Why does God bless such heartless people with kids
If I were you, I wouldn’t let that woman anywhere near my child! If she can’t support you, she doesn’t deserve to be around your child. She’s mentally/emotionally abusive and shouldn’t be trusted around children.
This is phenomenal, simply outta sight. Beautiful information..... 🖤
I think it’s pure BS to make someone feel bad for not forgiving their abuser parent or not🤷🏾♀️ I forgive myself for wasting precious time on 🗑️. The abusers need to seek forgiveness from God❤️
NO excuses for these parents in my opinion. If we (children) are capable of working on ourselves to be better than them. Then why wasn’t it on their agenda to be better than their parents.
Make the bs make sense. Don’t get me wrong this lady is very much so right in the literal sense. But let’s be real some of these parents blankly do not give a Fk and never will.
With All that said (FORGIVENESS IS FOR US NOT THEM) stay strong 💪
Chile lets be for real, for us 80s babies, our parents caused us so much trauma we just didn't know what it was called at the time. They all want to only be known for the good they did but when you tell them the negatives none of them ever takes accountability for their actions. They did no wrong in their eyes. I'm 38 and I forgiven them and let it go after so many attempts to try to fix the pain that they caused me. Meaning Im not around them and hardly ever speak to them but I am at peace with my decision. Moving forward I am raising my kids to enjoy a childhood that they don't have to recover from when they are grown .
I often hear ppl talk about parents and their behaviors at their young age, but when we walk away, they 50-60-70 years plus and still doing things and tbh children are tired. its insanity to continue doing the same thing expecting different results from people who refuse to see beyond "im the parent". how are we as children expected to do the work, but yet we don't hold the parents accountable.
Exactly.. It's insane! You have my parents in their 60s/70s speaking to my 30s/40s self talking about "I'm still the parent" as if relationships don't evolve and are supposed to be some type of power struggle. Nah .. I'm just gonna distance myself PERMANENTLY from that nonsense!
Huh???!!! The issue is they have changed but for the worst...
They don’t deserve forgiveness.
😮 Sylvia 💯%,
DO NOT RETURN TO YOUR vomit. DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO REINFECT YOU WITH HATE.
FORGIVE THEM and never darken one another's doorsill.
You can forgive them, but doesn't mean you need have a forced relationship with them if they make it difficult
I understand. More than I thought I would by what she said. No one person has ever filled the role in my life as the go to for nurturing. It has involved many people such as relatives, friends, social acquaintances and even kind strangers who genuinely had my best interest. Thank you for sharing this video.