@@Narusasu98 Man, I've been busy learning Chinese & Japanese and a lot of this common sense relationship stuff I missed out on and I have to deal with cultural differences. I look and see other people learning so many languages and having good social lives and forget I should be going my own pace...
@Arnulfo Torres Sometimes they just don't have the heart to tell you why. Example I had a college friend we clicked and got along great but she had some mental issues. At first I thought whatever everyone has their issues and the more she told me the more comfortable she got with me and I listened. Sometimes I would buy her lunch because she would forget to eat but then all of a sudden (months later) she started hinting at me almost on a weekly basis that she wanted my help to pay for her therapy because of her suicidal thoughts. I suggested she talk to her doctor to see her options but this chick just flat out says naa....she wants online therapy only and her insurance doesn't cover it. So she shows me the website shes talking about and this shit is 200-300 a month and I'm thinking what crack is she smoking that she thinks I have this kind of money. I even suggested she get a job to pay for it and her answer was literally "naa" I don't want to work followed by some excuse about her mental health and her workload. Than the manipulation started where she would talk about how she wanted to kill herself and end it all to push me to help her. I honestly couldn't take her trauma dumping, manipulation tactics, laziness and refusal to seek help anymore and I had to ghost her because I was actually afraid of her killing herself if I told her the truth. I'm sure you don't have this girls problems but there's a lot of feelings people are afraid to express for whatever reason.
This isn't for every situation, but I know a lot of women ghost in these kinds of situations because they start to fear for their safety. People who get clingy out of nowhere show a lot of the same signs as people who are possessive and dangerous to be around. The behavior of being clingy out of nowhere is confusing yes, but also can make women scared. Violence against women is more common that people want to talk about. I bet 95% of every woman you know has been verbally harassed, followed down a street, or sexually assaulted at some point. Women are taught by their mothers, friends, and mentors to be aware of potential threats because sadly they're all over the place, and there's no way of her being able to tell if you're just a sensitive guy with certain emotional needs, or if you're someone who may stalk and harm her.
@@cyclesofstrength Calling out the behavior and explaining it makes you uncomfortable usually helps because most guys don’t even realize they’re doing it. But I understand your fears and they are valid and this only applies to the guys that don’t seem aggressive or insane. The unfortunate truth is the majority of men were never taught how to socialize with women and are completely ignorant on what makes women feel unsafe and uncomfortable. It sounds like a really stupid excuse but it’s true I’ve personally had to talk to guys privately about their behavior just for them to tell me they didn’t know they were coming off that way. I know sounds completely stupid but people can be that ignorant of what they’re doing. But you’re still entitled to ghost them. This doesn’t apply to weirdos following you or harassing you of course just guys who come off clingy.
A girl I'm talking to for a while sent me this video, saying this reminded her of me. When I watched this everything just clicked. This literally describes me. Instead of leaving me she's trying to help me better myself. I might be imagining things but I think she wants to understand me better. Edit: I wish my story had a forever-ever-after ending. When I was on my self-finding journey, I tried to date her. She was as broken as me if not more. I was not the guy who could provide her the right things, not yet anyway. I tried to support her but by the day we went colder. She is still my friend and someone I dearly value as she saved me from myself. Sadly I could not do the same for her. As long as I wanted to end this journey of mine on a dreamy end, this is what things are like right now. I heard she found herself a boyfriend. I wish from the bottom of my heart that she is happy. Edit 2: It's been 2 years since I posted this. Firstly I want to thank all the comments ranging from people who sympatized with me to kids drunk on alpha male podcasts telling me to man up. I've had the chance to take a good look at myself and work towards things I wished were true. I've started working out and lost about 30 KG (66 pounds). I've changed to a job I love doing. Got better friends who genuinely support me and enjoy hanging out with me. I realized all it matters is not to mold yourself into someone people would like but to be yourself and find people who like you for who you are. I've been dating a girl for the last 6 months now. I have never been happier and I think pretty seriously about her. For those who are hopeless, suicidal and lonely enough to write your pain on a youtube video like me, it's never too late. Just start somewhere no matter how small it may be and build yourself from the ground up into the person you wish you were. Over time it WILL get better I promise.
She prolly likes you dude but wants you to figure yourself out and become a chad as no girl wants a guy that relies on her as it’s a burden you got this brother💪🏼
While I understand why he was being ghosted the very concept of it is really childish and in no way justifiable. If you don't want to talk to someone anymore you have to develop the maturity to tell the other person so. It's just childish to block someone.
While I hope so as well, I'm also a victim of long term bullying. This isn't something you ever shake off. It stays with you. The only way to improve it is to have an environment that genuinely cares and understands and sadly, unless you're really lucky pretty much the only spaces for this are therapy/clinics. Bullying and the results of it are heavily underestimated generally. Alot of bullying victims and the bullies themselves end up as loners who never find back the connection to others.
He was probqbly in a scapegoat situation. Where the family is dysfunctional. The family will use that person to treat them like shit because of their own problems ofc I wouldnt know anything but it is a good theory ive encountered.
@@TheLilmage7 it’s like playing a game of League of legends and then, when the entire team has contributed to the squad getting shit on. Then, at some point, 3/4 of the 5 generally start to shit on one person who has made mistakes, but nothing much worse than anyone else
Seems like there are way more profound reason for family to hate OP. Like some Mexican drama where the baby was swapped/result of incest/was born by 14yo or his mother died in labor or maybe OP killed someone during his youth?
@@МихаилВолков-л2я Don't see why first 2 are valid reasons..... also Idk how you can make excuses for the family after reading that part where they mocked him no one's going to his funeral. Problematic children exist, but a good family would do everything they can to help them out. Looking at his family's responses and also his level of emotional turmoil/relationship issues, it seems the family was the problem here.
To add onto “letting go of the your baggage”, I find that being invested in self-sufficient hobbies/life work helps me be at peace with dying relationships. Self-sufficiency really helps in moments like that, and Ironically, when I focus on myself, people want to hang out more!
There is no such thing as a new beginning, Roman. With every day we live, we pick up new baggage, baggage we must carry with us for the rest of our lives. There’s no dropping it and pretending we are fresh and clean, just because we get off a boat in a new place. Niko Bellic to his cousin Roman
While it's true that Self-sufficiency is the best way to be at pace with yourself, hyper-independency is bad for yourself in the long run. Careful with it
In the first place if they are gonna hang out because you do some shitty ass hobbie they weren't even your friends. Wtf?! What is this the instagram friends?! Hanging out with people based on accolades?
The issue is that anxiety causes you to be clingy, the clingy makes the other person block you, them blocking you makes you feel like your anxiety was justified all along ("she blocked me, I knew she didn't want me, I was right all along") and then the next time this happens the anxiety you get about the relationship is even stronger, and it creates this cycle that's hard to notice when you're in the middle of it. And this starts chipping away your self esteem and confidence until you start to hate yourself, and that makes getting into healthy relationships even more difficult. I've been struggling with this for years and only very recently have I started understanding what's going on
@@shinygiveaways1920 For me since my relationships never went anywhere good, it made me question whether I was good enough to be loved. Like if every potential relationship ends the same way, something HAS to be wrong with me, if that makes sense. Thanks to therapy I don't think this way anymore but it led to a lot of suicidal thoughts and social anxiety when I was younger. Most people don't realize how much harm you can do to someone just by ghosting them.
@@plaguepandemic5651 I have aspergers, thats the obvious issue. The question is, do you change yourself and force yourself to be NT or only date likeminded people? Both are quite horrible choices.
@@taiseeralam113 just be a good communicator, if you love the person let them know it, if it isn't working out, also let them know. However just randomly ignoring or blocking someone doesn't help anyone, it makes the one doing the ghosting comfortable with hiding their feelings from others and encourages future dishonesty, and the one being ghosted left wondering where they screwed up and why they weren't deserving of basic acknowledgment from someone that they trusted
@@HideorEscape Get help. If you want to be able to establish relationships with other, but you can't seem to be able to and you see a pattern of people leaving, write it down and go see someone about. You can start with someone you trust (if you have one), maybe a social worker if you're not ready for therapy and if you are, a therapist.
Bro listen to me aiight ? If they wanna leave then they gotta anounce that they are planning to do it . They like gotta say that : hey i think this realationship is in a way that im over with it . Or shit like that . The way that she blocks you is so of a shitty behaviour . I trully understand this situation with the guy
One problem is that if no one starts investing.. all relationships remain low effort. As in.. you won't have friends.. only aquaintances. I did this all my life and of course all of them ended when it suddenly took effort to stay in touch. (I moved away, switched jobs etc.) And those are the people you seem to attract. You are secretly needy but pretending not to and you attract the people who also put in little effort. The healthy ones you push away. The solution isn't to stop wanting more out of relationships.. but somehow find the right person and be fulfilled enough on your own so you don't overwhelm them. (Circumstances like breakups, death of loved ones.. etc. not included) The tragedy is.. I have no idea how that works in practice or how to make new friends when it's not handed to me.
@@hollanderson Well it's kind of like chasing unicorns. But you know what people are supposed to be like to each other.. supportive, loving, caring.. they want to spend time with you and make it worthwhile for both of you, oh and a little bit of tough love and healthy boundaries. They shouldn't however be envious of you, talking at you but never listening to you, putting you down.. basically anything that is one sided or causing you more harm than good. The harsh reality is though that those friendships are hard to find. If you spend too much time together it will amplify every tiny issue. So it's a tough balance.. as it is in any relationship.
Yea ,and the chances of finding it depends on so many different things, like life circumstances, your personality, how you look , etc. Everyone is wired differently and a committed friendship is really hard to find. It really is hard, it can seem like someone clicks with you really well, but in reality they only see you as an acquaintance. And sure that's where you gotta get to know them more. But what if they dont want to know about you? Thing is they also have to be interested in you as well. Friendships that are one-sided always end in disaster.
My mother used to ignore me when I acted "wrong" as a child. It hurt deep. In other relationships, people often would leave me, and I never knew the reason behind it. Now I know, it was undiagnosed autism making communication harder. It still left mental wounds that changed my behavior for years. When I met my friend, I didn't know about autism, and I was nearly at my worst. I was terrified of loosing him very soon. I did a lot of dumb stuff, trying to get his attention and reassurance that he still cared and liked me and wanted to spend time with me. Firstly, I was afraid he wouldn't be interested in hearing anything about me, especially the stories of my traumas. Until one day I just told him what was happening and why -- I had spent quite a while trying to understand the root of my problems, -- and asked them for the reassurance directly. And he told me he liked me, and wanted to be my friend. And I felt better. For a week, or maybe two. Then I was unsure again, and he told me the same thing again, and again -- he said it wasn't hard, and he _cared_ about me enough to give me that little reassurance I needed to feel well. After that I wrote another long text apologizing to wanting it and asking him to make sure it's really okay for him, and not do anything for me unless he 100% wants to, and sorry anyway. With time, after he told it over and over, after we've spent hours talking about our lives, after he shared his stories and I told him about my childhood, after he taught me what being a friend actually meant, how calling me this by definition meant he wanted to be around, how I didn't need to expect him to hurt me, which I did, and didn't have to go everything so he feels better while ignoring my needs... After all of this, I suddenly found out I wasn't all that scared anymore. At times, yes, I still need a bit of reassurance. He knows it, and he reminds me when I need it, but overall I am just calm and certain, and it's the first time in my life when I am. (We still have a joke about me writing books in our messages -- because of the long texts I tended and tend to send, which he says he greatly enjoys. I got really, really lucky with him :)) After this, I've got a few more friends. With some of them I'm closer than with others, but I never felt that insecure about relationship. It's not like all the problems disappeared at once, of course; but they got manageable, and if I can't do something alone, I now have friends that are happy to help me deal with my stuff as much as I want to help them with theirs. I don't know what I say it all for. I guess, to share the experience and to say there are happy endings?
Thanks for sharing your experience! I'm still on the process of working hard against my social anxiety with the help of my best friend, and this gives me a little more hope for my future relationships.
@@ProxymanDerk thank you for your reply. Stay strong and hopeful, I know it may be really hard at times, but I believe you will manage it, and one day you will find that it got easier. I believe in you and wish you all the best! ✨
I absolutely find myself in this pattern. I think it mostly stems from an overall sense of insecurity and lack of confidence because I've never felt like anyone's first choice, so when I do get into situations like the one described, which I'm actually currently dealing with right now, I overdo it and get clingy because I seem to think "I never get a chance like this! I gotta make the most of it". Wow, it's almost like the algorithm gave me the exact video of yours that I needed to see. This video really hit hard and I'm going to work on this part of myself going forward. Thank you, Dr. K.
This! Trying to conduct relationships mostly over messaging makes this sort of issue so much worse, I think. There's no body language or any other context, you just can re read and overthink about every message... It's easy to become bored of someone if all you ever do is talk over text
@@pachelruli5320 Yeah but I think a lot of people nowadays just aren't willing to put in the work which is a bit more frustrating because you overcompensate and then feel like you're just wasting your time
@@pachelruli5320 Well, there were 2 main problems I've encountered with your solution: 1. Some people live in different countries\cities and can't really communicate in real life, even though they are very compatible in terms of their interests. 2. For most people (including me) is that also in our society everyone is so busy trying to compete with anyone else at the job market that people start obsessing about personal growth and establishing ''useful connections'' so that we forget that we just need to meet with another person just for the fun of it. To save time, people resort to texting. The pandemic also introduced the 3rd problem: 3. A lot of people don't want to put others at risk of catching Covid just because they want to ''DO'' things together.
@@TypicalRussianGuy yeah I agree actually, modern life makes it difficult. The trouble is, I think humans still need connection the same as they ever have, no matter what the modern world demands of us. It definitely ain't easy!
@@pachelruli5320It's especially frustrating if most people I meet in my city consider my ''Westernized'' outlook weird, especially on gender roles, so when I am trying to establish a relationship with a girl in my city, she always expects the ''traditional'' courting, which I consider very outdated and, in many ways, toxic and humiliating for both men and women. Although I do have some good friends in my city, I feel like most of my best friends live abroad and it's quite sad that I have a looong way to go before I can move out due to financial and immigration law reasons (basically, I still need to have way more money to go abroad to Europe and America, and even when I will have the money, there is a huge chance that American immigration authorities can deny me entrance only because of my Russian passport)
Anyone watching who Consistently has this pattern I highly recommend looking at anxious and avoidant attachment styles. The type of behavior he is describing in this video is incredibly common of people with an anxious attachment style usually who have been through traumatic experiences That affect how relationships are built going further in their lives
@@classyjohn1923 yeah realizing people have lives and getting out the headspace of “they’re avoiding me” helps a lot. Because maybe they are but it’s likely they’re just at the movies or doing something that’s also important, and for me that acceptance has helped a lot because I’m removing all of this blame on myself, which allows me to also have my own life instead of hanging around the phone.
The story of becoming obsessive due to a girl's life becoming more busy really resonated with me. I was the guy who texted every few days with no response, attempting to play it cool, and then would hit her with a block of text trying to give her an out so that I could be rejected and move on, saying things like "I don't want to guilt trip you into going out with me". Was "ghosted" for 3 weeks. She finally responded and said I was making her uncomfortable and said it was best if things ended and wished me the best. I simply texted back, "Okay sounds good. Sorry about that. I wish you the best too!" It was a learning experience for me and I realize that a lot of the anxiety can be solved by not assuming more of the relationship than discussed.
In reality it had nothing to do with you. You were interested and available- she didn't give a Phuk on the other hand. Plainly put.. She wasn't interested in you.
Yeah dude wth? That was not on you at all. What do you think flirting and courtship is for? It's about letting the other people being in your lifestyle. Imagine a scenario, someone texted you when they are only freed or missed you? Who you think that is? It's either a sibling or a friend my dude. Not someone that is included in your lifestyle through the courtship or flirtation! Again, it's not that you were overinvested but because they didn't want you to be invested in them
Wow, I have typed out a long paragraph just like this in my notes app, ready to send. I'm glad to see this so now I won't. Instead of asking them, "do you like me", we are actually trying to turn it the other way around to say "do you not like me, that's fine, no problem". Both are just desperate attempts to find out what they're thinking because we just haven't heard from them in a while.
@@simonwilson7581yeah dont do it man. Women are weird nowadays, a vast majority are interested in guys that pay the least attention to them and that play hard to get. Focus on urself and let them come, the chase aint worth it.
This one hurt to watch. I've been ghosted a couple times by people I really cared about and it's like getting an arrow through your stomach. It slowly and painfully kills you.
One of the best things I've learned was if you want to talk to someone call them. Texting is not a good way to have a meaningful conversation because tone and context get lost in the words. I dated a girl 10 years older then me and she taught me the value of calling and holding a conversation. I met my now wife online and the week leading up to our first date we talked on the phone just about everynight after work. Married now for almost 2 years and the one things she always says she enjoyed about meeting me was she felt like she already had met me because we were having meaningful conversations and not texting small talk. Obviously don't over do it and call her non stop but if she is interested she'll make time to talk because you're showing more Interest via calling then texting.
The one thing that always worries me about calling is that I feel like it would be inconvenient for the other person. Like there are times I’d be deep into texting and I ask if we can call but that’s usually a rarity, like shit trying to actually call people these is days is so fucking awkward
But if i calling someone i always idk instantly become a people pleaser and giggling my way out because i hate if they're said nothing is colder than to not get a text back. I mean bad call happens also like we're the one trying desperately to talk and the other party just said uh umm yes okay bye.
as a Chinese rural women, I prefer calling than texting to people around me. This includes family members, friends, work partners, my superior,etc. Just by hearing each other's voice will make the communication more efficient and closer compare to cold messages.
It is a bit painful to accept, but we can only improve & overcome if we accept our part in things. If it wasn't at least partially our fault, that would be _truly_ bad news
@@christopherthompson5400 well, but if there is 0 control it would also mean that you can't change anything for the better, which is not a nice prospect for most people
@@TheDhammaHub you know. You are completely right. I was tired when I wrote my comment, but if it's any consolation I feel there can be a positive spin either way, should you find yourself in the less likeable circumstance that despite all the best efforts some things are just out of control because life is hectic.
Mad respect for the guy who put himself out there for this post. To have that kind of upbringing but still able to have that level of introspection and willing to hold himself accountable even if it does confirm an insecurity is really respectable.
wow. i really needed this because im talking to a guy right now, and this week i had that anxious moment and freaked out over text for the first time with him, even though i knew logically it wasn't warranted. my trauma was being cheated on and i've been working to understand how that wound affects me now. this video popped up in my recommendations and i think i was meant to see it. thank you so much for making this video and helping me understand myself better :')
"Making the men in your present, pay for the mistakes of the men in your past, equals no future." -Kevin Samuels Go to therapy and sort it out before getting in a relationship. Its not fair to him if you're coming into this damaged by someone else.
I feel bad for saying this but it’s true. I ghosted someone recently because I was going thru a rough patch; my depression was worsening. But each time they kept dumping their emotional labor on me and getting upset because I was behaving cold towards them. When in reality, I was emotionally exhausted and I had no energy to give them attention. I just wished they’d talk to a therapist and work on their anxious attachment.
"You can't have agency without responsibility. If you can get credit for the win you should take responsibility when you lose." I freaking loved that line
If you are anxious it is not enough to work with your own anxiety, you also need a person who pro-actively reduce anxiety and builds trust. Some people do this naturally as their second nature, some people do not understand they should. If you feel your anxiety builds up but your partner never seem to assure you they might simply not be for you and that is ok.
@@gleipnirrr: The other extreme is that you date people within the Cluster B spectrum who have a low empathy and will psychologically abuse you for your feelings. You will never heal with that kind of partner. In my situation I dealt with a narcissistic partner before I learned about this. She would constantly telling me I was childish with my emotions while she also never really tried to make me feel "ok". Once that relationship broke down I eventually realized that I was not a problem to everybody else. Now a few years later I have a lot of experience with people out of a broad range of personalities and I know that to most people my emotions are just fine, and normal, and even positive, and all those issues she had no one else had. This is especially important for guys to understand because guys are often taught that if there is a problem in their relationship, it's their responsibility to fix it. If you have that kind of attitude while dating a person without empathy, you are almost dead.
@@gleipnirrr your brain learns to think of yourself differently through observing other people respect you and comfort you. I think it's one of the fundamental needs that are supposed to get fulfilled by family but not all people are fortunate to have a supporting family. Obviously everyone should seek professional help but humans for the most part simply can't function without understanding relationship be it a friend or a partner
This exact same thing happened to me with a girl getting ghosted but my family life was the opposite. All my negative social interaction came from bullying in school. I think more people in the mental health field should be aware of this. You can have the most loving parents but years of bullying/being ignored by most of your peers can still do tremendous damage.
Kids now a days spend way more time with teachers and other kids than with their parents. Use to be bad when I was in school, but now the issue has gotten way worse. I agree with you
this is so fucking exhausting. nobody likes me like that. over and over and over again. self improvement again and again. social skills practiced again and again and again
I think you should never ghost anyone. If you want to end a friendship it is ok. Do that. But tell them at least instead of just sudendly permanently ignore the other person
I agree. It's just not right, and I don't get why people do it. A lot of the time when it's happened to me, I haven't even pressed the other person that much. Yeah, I do type long messages sometimes. But it's happened even when I didn't do that, so that can't be the reason; at least not the only one. People just give up as soon as something is no longer convenient these days, I guess. It's far too easy.
@@trollzynisaacjohan1793 If so, they may never learn. They will just hate ghoster for being unfair to them, them not knowing why or what for. They can see ghoster and everybody like ghoster as dangerous for them, as an enemy of themself. That's where many incels come from - autistic guy gets ghosted, cannot know why. There are two easy answers for this: That's the way of a woman, so all womanhood gets blamed, or there is something wrong with their innate attributes, so unfairness prevail. It's the same from the other side - man-hating "feminist" groups are growing under our radar (less manslaughter I guess), but they come from the same place: Lack of communcation and looking for answers for their broken hearts. If not them, then society, deserves an explanation. We are all responsible for it.
@@firion666I do get this and I believe lots of valid points were made in this thread. I'd like to take the middle ground though. Ghosting people you've had lots of long, meaningful conversations with and a few dates with is wrong. Ghosting a long time friend is wrong if they're still reaching out to connect, rather than people just naturally drifting away. You should politely tell someone you're not interested in them any longer. Ghosting in these situations is very unfair and hurtful and it should be on the potential ghoster to be honest with the ghostee. However, if it's something like a dating app or social media app where you only exchanged a few messages, I don't think you always need to reply. There's so little emotional investment there, and sometimes putting in that much effort isn't worth it especially with the frequency people do actually get berated for saying "Hey, I'm not interested in this Convo anymore." Would it be more polite? Sure. I've been ghosted in the scenario like the first. It hurts like hell. I've also been ghosted in the way I described in the latter. Not super fun either, but easy to move on from even as someone that suffers from rejection sensitivity. Overall just don't be dicks and leave a budding or old relationship clueless and wondering what they did wrong.
they do it because they're narcissistic and don't care. or they care but they are embarrassed to say. people need to be told that they are responsible for maintaining trust and severing ties directly and with a warning. ghosting people out of nowhere is misusing the trust and it's exactly what traumatizes people who can no longer trust the other person enough. there is some amount of social contract that goes into people's relationships that you shouldn't be able to ignore
I've always made it a point not to ghost people. It's rude and disrespectful. If I no longer wish to talk to someone, I tell them. To their faces if possible. If someone ghosts me, then I just figure we weren't compatible in our values and move on. Quite frankly, I don't want to waste my time with the kind of people who think ghosting is acceptable behavior. They're cowards. It just ticks me off so badly that people these days have so little respect for one another.
I know ghosting is cowardly, and I know you weren't talking about every situation, but I used to be firmly against ghosting, which made me stay 4 more years in a toxic relationship. I was really scared to confront this person, I was really scared they were going to deny everything I would say, I was scared I would just disassociate and not be able to get any point across. I know most times you should try to talk it out, but sometimes it's okay to just ghost someone.
I’m the same. I 💯 agree with everything here. When someone ghosts it says so much about them and it makes me feel relieved they showed me who they are sooner. Although with abusive situations situations it’s acceptable
If the person doesn't ask why you ghosted, why to tell? A colleague didn't return my goods, so I ghosted him. I don't care if he feels bad about it, he never asked.
Even though it's not completely an issue with me, this helps me understand why I have had shortcomings. I can get girls, and I can do pretty well, but if I'm emotionally invested I completely flip a switch and cease to become myself. I become needy and worried about how I am being perceived. I have been working on being more 50-50 and willing to let go if there is no reciprocal, and that pressure has actually been less and less. I felt like I needed to keep conversations going to keep that "flame" so to speak, and all it did was make girls text back less and less. With this I am able to understand that I can do my part, and I can't force them to do their part. If it works out, great. If not then the next one will come and I'll try again. With that understanding I do feel like it's less crucial to latch on to a girl I'm overly attracted to, and oddly enough it seems to be less taxing on myself. I feel less pressured to "perform" and I'm actually able to be myself. This further reinforces it, so thank you for that.
Complete non-attachment is the way to go. I heard a long time ago something like, "instead of trying to get a girl to like you, just relax into the process of finding out if you even like her." It helped me a lot.
If it's text you have all the time you need to compensate for the way your emotions are effecting you. You can check whether you're being normal before you send anything at all, because after all not responding for a while longer is not a big deal.
After a relationship I got burnt out from getting to know others like I literally tell them nah don’t expect me to do all the talking we ain’t immature we’re grown. You talk too…. How does one talk about shit? What is there to talk about?
I found this extremely interesting. It’s only an issue for me if I sacrifice myself for someone, because then I need their validation to make up for that. However, so long as I stay true to myself and refuse to allow anyone else to control me, then the only validation I need is from me. Don’t turn yourself into a pretzel for anyone unless you have achieved a connection that’s really solid and even then, don’t totally lose yourself in another person because the reason they were interested in you in the first place, was based on what you brought to the table. If you make another person your sole focus, you lose that.
I've had this happen to me with a woman I was involved with, we basically operate on the same wavelength and I became obsessed, and shed ignore me or find me annoying, we are still good friends. But only because I made the decision to better myself and in doing so would have to separate myself from her physically. The toxic ideology men get in their own heads is truly saddening and I'm glad you're content is helping others like myself. Women are people my brothers, just understanding that alone makes relationships 100 times easier.
Yes exactly. I feel like telling guys Ive dated this. IM A HUMAN BEING. Treat me like your buddy and slowly we can become rlly good buddies and then buddies who are partners.
@@juicyparsons i appreciate the thanks but it should be the norm and you shouldn't feel the need to thank someone for recognizing your humanity. Big love hope yall find someone who respects you
"Women are people my brothers, just understanding that alone makes relationships 100 times easier." "Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other."
What I got from this video and comment section is "Women are other people, other people aren't you, you need to make sure you're communicating properly, with words, and not suddenly doing things because you feel unseen."
As someone that gets really serious really early, clingy, tendency to message a lot - I know it's not that healthy, but I know it comes from a place that badly wants connection and love. It's a red flag to people, hence why they pull away. But I don't think it's necessary to repress the urge to go full blast with your hopes and emotions. Instead, I just think you want to find someone on the same page mentally, or with the same energy and goals if you don't want to tone it down. And work on turning the overboard texts into briefer, comprehensive communication. I know I have the urge to hint at what I want but that rarely helps.
If you need to unload your baggage it should be unto a therapist. Friends aren't just there to make you feel better. I should know I lost my friends because of wanting too much from a budding relationship.
@@c.a.9903 It's not even about baggage. Just telling people how you honestly feel usually is enough to scare them away. You have to play it cool to keep the interest high.
Be careful in seeking out another clingy, easily-attached person. I made that mistake and it ended horribly. I thought it was a dream come true because I didn't have to worry about what they thought of me, but the moment they thought our relationship was threatened they impulsively made decisions that hurt me in ways I'm still recovering from almost half a year later. If you're looking for another clingy person, proceed with caution.
And, because of the reasons you explained, the "overboard" texts (which she seems to actually enjoy a lot) have become much more tame. Still moments of depth and detail, but with the big things out of the way and settled, there's no feeling a need to have to continue that. The communication has evolved. But we still have those big moments when they're right.
I’m with you man “ healthy relationships” being people that hardly give a shit coming together by convenience that leave with indifference is bullshit. Nah, I want someone who is as passionately devoted as me.
to be honest, as someone who has been ghosted multiple times, i don't really get what the big deal is. if someone stops talking to me, it's because they don't want to talk to me. maybe they've lost interest, maybe they have too much on their plate at the moment, it doesn't really matter what the reason is. if they want to talk to me, they will. and as a general rule, i only want to talk to people who want to talk to me. so it's mutually beneficial for me to just move on.
i mean yea, sometimes it sucks because i could totally see the relationship working out and i'd be interested to keep it going, but the fact of the matter is that they don't agree. that's not their opinion of the situation, and their opinion matters as well.
I used to do this and then stopped and things improved in myself and my relationships. People don't want to worry about you all the time, going with that into a relationship is overwhelming.
The very very most important thing Dr. K said in this beautifully informative video, is “people don’t know how to have a conversation” which is so true. When I feel a “friend” start to get anxious, and I get that feeling of being annoyed, I immediately take a minute, think about how I feel about this person, really, and then I let them know. If I no longer want to be friends, I’ll tell them. This opens up the space I was taking for an opportunity to fill that space with someone who is better suited to them, who can make them happy, and who will be happy with them. Learning how to understand your feelings, and then how to communicate them, bad or good, is the single most important thing you can do if you want to ever have a healthy relationship. In my experience.
that's BRILLIANT advice, I wish to add one very important, don't betray your friend or wathever spreading secrets you've told with care , gosssip people ends up super ghosted :/
20:10 But the issue is that the perfectionism in most cultures teaches us that if we become "perfect" and match certain standards of "success", attractiveness, etc everyone WILL want to be with us/we will be "compatible" with everyone one. That's the issue: we're brainwashed into believing that: 1. "perfection" in humans exists 2. It is universally attractive 3. If we are not universally attractive it is because we are not perfect i.e. are flawed I think this is what throws men into a rage especially, because masculinity is about ACHIEVING success and having people fall all over you while femininity is about BEING this ideal object that the right person/people will love. It's easier as a woman/female to just internalize and say "oh, I'm just unworthy", but for men it can turn from 0 to violent real quick because there's this underlying, rarely recognized thing of "I did EVERYTHING right, I have all the right status markers, I did so much grinding in this game of life, so why don't you love me?" For most men, it's never been about the other person loving you for THEIR own reasons, but the idea that they love you and should continue to love you because you've EARNED their love ("breadwinner" is also the "lovewinner" I guess).
It’s an extremely toxic message that if you do x, y, z you will “win the girl” as if she’s a prize and not a complete human being who deserves to make her own choices and opinions about you. But this goes for everyone! As a woman I’ve been on both sides and rejection hurts like hell (especially when you convinced yourself the other person was perfect for you) but ultimately they have every right to reject you. The *key* is to not take it personally (way easier said than done and I’m still working on that myself).
It was really important to hear something like that right now. None of my friends who I've shared a similar situation with understood me or gave a good advice. Thank you so much!
This was incredibly helpful and I definitely found this video at the perfect time in my life. I’m 37, and still struggle with this. I wish I could find a therapist that could actually help me with these things. But I’m doing what I can on my own by finding videos like this, reading, etc. so thank you!
@@solarydays Could’ve been. Could’ve been that she freaked out because she doesn’t know what the guy is going through. Then the metaphor still makes sense since she’s doing her own dance while he’s, as Dr. K put it, ”is just convulsing on the dancefloor”.
@@solarydays How is it predatory? Maybe it comes across as that if you don't understand it, but my man just wants to be acknowledged. Very relatable, I think
@@solarydays Well, if you're in that situation of feeling adandoned, you probably wouldn't consider it, either. I've been there, and been overly clingy to the point of being potentially seen as creepy, so I get it, but both parties shouldn't rush to judgements. It sucks that people think of guys as creepy for merely wanting to be loved.
I came to a similar realization after I got ghosted last year. I didn’t like when people told me I did nothing wrong, like no tell me where I messed up so I can learn! People found it weird that I wanted to take responsibility over my part in the relationship
I read this book called "The Passion Trap" years ago. I suggest everyone should read this book at least once. It's a great read on relationship dynamics and has so many relatable situations we can all connect to.
Yup, having an anxious attachment style sucks. It’s like everything is a set up- the kind of people you‘re attracted to, the accidental clingy behavior that pushes people away… it all just feels like a set up to reinforce your childhood wounding & internalized sense of rejection. It’s so freaking hard to transcend & it feels like it only gets harder the more you look for some kind of external validation… which is so hard not to do. Idk CBT, DBT & humanistic therapy is sort of helping but sometimes I even get anxious about whether or not my therapist likes me🤣
@@hgzmatt I don’t think it’s all on us. I just think we can only work on ourselves & we have no control over other people. And people who have treated me shitty tend to regret it down the road I’ve noticed. Life is their teacher, I don’t have to do shit to make them learn lol
@@Livfree33 I mean maybe there's some karma that makes us deserving of this whole mess.. I just wish it wasn't necessary. I suppose if we end up better people it was worth it.
It's worth being aware that she was probably out the moment she mentioned that she was getting busy. She was setting up a wall right then - Generally speaking I've never had someone say they're going to be busy without some sort of reason or timeline attached. Think Midterms, work trips, family stuff going on. If she was still engaged in the relationship she would have either A - Given a reason or B - given a timeline. I'd also reflect on what happened up to several conversations ago. Did she know your intentions to begin with? It's also possible she didn't and it became more clear through conversation and she just wasn't geared up for you.
True. I've had people who were busy replying in the middle of whatever they were busy with, because they were invested in the relationship. And I had the same person ghost me because they were simply not anymore. Usually, if you sense a change in their behavior, there is something there. And you shouldn't break yourself trying figure out what it is, or try to chase the person. Just let it be. If the person was truly invested and caring, she/he would notice your clingy behaviour and ask what's going on. It would be just hey I'm busy right now. There would be a communicated reason for their absence.
This. This sort of happened to me recently. Granted, she did tell me she was going to be busy, but there were things she did and signs that gave me pause and a worrying feeling that she wasn't being totally honest. It usually starts with reduced interest or communication, then it descends into late or really delayed replies (or being left unread), and then totally ignoring the messages. It's sad because sometimes you don't know what you've done wrong and by the time you realize, it's too late.
She most likely didn't have "Emotional Intelligence" or any awareness of what "ghosting" actually does as a consequence. The moment she started ghosting him triggered him to be more responsive and to self blame then later when he got blocked he blamed himself even more due to past family problems and/or traumas. Ghosting is a very serious issue. People who ghost have no idea how mentally destructive it can be to the person who is being ghosted. Ghosting destroys relationships. I think we should all spread awareness and to learn and teach everyone about what ghosting is and what is really causing.
From my experience, if someone is potentially ghosting you from your perspective you can only really make it worse by poking the bear. Your best option is to respect their call of "being busy" and suck it up, hoping for the best. If they are trying to break contact then you're just putting the final nail in the coffin. If they are actually busy they'll likely realize that you're being a team player and reestablish contact when the time is right for them. Whatever the outcome will be, it's best for you to redirect your focus to the people who do want to talk to you, or work on yourself for the next person.
Omg thank you. This is meeeee. I have a disorganized attachment style, and I used to be fully avoidant of any feelings I had for other people, which left me all alone. Now I’m working on feeling my feelings, and I’ve fallen to the other extreme of feeling too much. I’ve fallen in love with a girl who works a lot and I’m trying hard to not be overly clingy and respect her boundaries, but it hurts because I want to be with her so badly. I need this advice.
@NimaA hey bestie! Her generalization of men isn’t great and gotta be honest with you your generalization of women isn’t great either. We all have our individual preferences let’s just chill and vibe.
@NimaA I mean, for me personally I dated twinky music boys when I dated men. I’ve never been super into the idea of dating a loud muscular kinda guy. Then I got older and realized I was dating men out of convenience because they were attracted to me rather than actual wanting to be with them. That wasn’t fair and was wasting the time of the guys I was dating (and me), so I only date people I actually have feelings for and am attracted to, which is exclusively women. You can interpret that however you want but I know my life is infinitely better when I’m not chasing being heterosexual for no real reason.
@NimaA also my guy friends who would be considered “Chads” are just as miserable as the rest of us, believe it or not. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be to have muscles.
It is diplomatic to say the person on the other end of those messages is confused. Other realistic possibilities could be they feel frightened or repulsed because those messages may seem like the prelude to controlling or stalkerish behaviour. Also, very sad to hear about the awful family life the OP had, and they seem to be on a path of self reflection. I hope things work out for them.
Yes! Exactly! I've been trying to find people saying this! Many people dont understand that when they let their anxious attachment get out of hand it can often be very frightening or very emotionally draining and a variety of other things.
@@WrathofFenrir99 it can be a hard rope to walk for sure. I guess that's when what Dr K was talking about comes in- you need to do some self work to develop and grow so that that burden of anxiety you put on the other person isn't too great for them to bear. Communication is always good because then you both can operate with the full knowledge of the situation going forward. However, that doesn't mean the person will definitely stay to work through it with you- they also have their own life and it might be too much for them. However, all you can do is lay out your situation until someone comes along that accepts it, and in the meantime work on yourself to make that burden smaller. It might take a while to find that person, but it's worth it for an honest relationship where you can support each other and not feel like you have to hide your anxiety from them
@@erionnetic1626 I think ultimately it doesn't really matter (to the poster, specifically), it ends up being the same outcome regardless of the particular reason why
I think it proper that the person just state that they do not wish to continue the relationship. That ends it there. If asked for a reason they can just say, "I am not enjoying it.". A person doesn't need to spend hours explaining their decision. But to just ghost someone is rude.
@@MasterMalrubius to explain this from a woman's perspective, sometimes they may ghost men because they have been made to feel uncomfortable or frightened. The experience, of many, many women is, that politely declining men like this usually results in a tirade of abuse. Creepy, toxic men do not take even the most polite rejection well, and it just makes them more scary and potentially in a small number of cases dangerous.
For me the best thing said here is the idea of responsibility - somehow it’s a lot less depressing to have fucked up by yourself than to have been relentlessly screwed over by someone
i’m pretty sure i’ve messed up at least two previous relationships being overly paranoid, maybe even clingy. it took me a long time to stop overthinking situations.
Man, feeling responsible for other people's feeling is such a huge problem for me. I always felt like people don't like me and I don't know why. My parents never reenforced this, but I always feel like I pushed friend groups away. This has affected my romantic life in a huge way as well.
Yeah man I feel that, year 6 I got fucked over by me “mates”, just recently my misso, she just left for another state and fucked off and it feels like its all my fault, certain thing’s I can’t take credit for, like my mates just being typical popular school kids and my misso not liking the city we were from, but its also the way I communicate and show love that set them off, I’m just tryna be me and some people end up not liking that sadly, someone I really cared about too, fuckin hurts man
It's funny, whenever I can tell that I've annoyed someone, or someone might dislike me, I will start being as quiet as a mouse around them. Won't speak unless I have to, won't joke until they joke with me, will pretend I don't see them in my vision, will even avoid them if it gets to that. I always make sure that _I'm the one who left them first_ . Can't push me away if I push you away first, right? Classic fear of intimacy/rejection. Honestly don't know how that formed in me.
I used to be the same way, took ages to actually fight against the urge to leave whenever I feel as if I've screwed up or I'm not good enough. I still have to fight against that a lot but it's easier now, I don't run away as much
@@LennyTheHopeless just realized it wasn't healthy and put in a lot of effort to keep against it. Everyone's journey is different so I don't know how much it'd help you, but I just forced myself to fight against the urges and would ask sometimes if I seemed like I screwed up, usually it's in your head and the people who care about you will want you around
If you can make peace with the idea of being alone, it'll be easier to accept distance in your relationships. If loneliness isn't so bad, the weapon your anxiety uses against you will be disarmed. It's difficult, because we're social creatures. We need each other. That's part of why the abuse this guy went through is so cruel. But if you can find peace in that solitude, maybe you can find peace in solidarity as well.
EXACTLY! When I realized that I'm fine alone, I was able to naturally create relationships. The moment you can just stop worrying about being lonely is the moment you can make good relationships
I appreciate this, much more nuanced than the people who just tell you that "you must live perfectly happily alone before dating", like no, humans are made to reproduce like any other species and accordingly we literally need a partner, I think it's perfectly normal that most people don't feel fulfilled if they're single. Not that I'm the expert in this topic, but I'm guessing what's usually meant is just that if you're not happy alone, then a relationship won't magically fix you unless it comes with free therapy sessions or something
I ghost people all the time, it sucks. I read a text, think I'll reply to it later, then forget I ever got it. Then I notice it several days later, and I have no choice but to block the number, fake my own death, and start a new life as a ranch hand in Montana.
Or, you know, you could own up to the mistake and take some responsibility instead of making the other person feel like there is something wrong with them if it really wasn’t anything personal. I’d much rather get a “hey sorry I didn’t see this message” or “sorry I’ve been busy” response than just ghosted and made to feel like nobody loves me,
I feel that. Eventually I started apologizing but it really comes off like I'm a dickhead and just text people when I'm bored or something, they can't really know what's happening and my head and life, after all. I'd suggest trying to work on yourself before seeking any contact with other people, because w/o bettering myself I can't uphold any relationships at all, I always fucking forget.
I could relate to this during my university years. I be friended with a really good girl friend. We clicked the first time we met! The relationship went really well until she started to be busy with her club activities. I became nervous and start to assume things about her not being interesting in communicating with each other to the point we had argument on this that leads to us both being a stranger again. If only I came across this video years back, I would do anything to be friended with her again.
I'm often times skeptical of the qualifications for most therapists since from my personal experience they don't really tend to give me advice that's really any better than a good friend of mine would give me (in fact it can sometimes be worse advice), but I gotta say that Dr. K definitely disproves that perception of mine. This was a great video indeed.
Frankly Dr K, being on youtube, has a vested interest in his audience getting healthy because whether they do or not, theyll likely come back to improve. Therapist you paid directly have a vested interest in only improving you just enough to keep you functioning and coming back. Maybe not all are like this, but enough are. One could say that is the problem with capitalism, but it wouldnt be any better in any other system. I actually heard the Chinese apparently do or did do at some point. you have a doctor and you pay them when you are healthy. Once you are no longer healthy, they stop getting paid until you are healthy again. Now i know it also can have issues, but at least it incentivizes getting you better.
Biggest problem is when you're trully alone, just like you said, all "potential" relationships become so much harder not to get atatched to. I think it's due time I look for a therapist.
Great video. When it comes to relationships, its taken me a long time to realise that their luggage is not my luggage, I have my own luggage to carry, and that you have to be open and honest about your luggage, and if it puts them off, it wasn't meant to be.
Similar story for me. Diagnosed with ADHD, GAD and Depression last December right before turning 35. My mom was diagnosed within past few years too. She came from very abusive alcoholic WWII vet father home, liked to drink, and addicted to cocaine most my life. Didn't find that out until a few years ago, but she is totally sober for a few years now. I lived with her, step dad and my 2 half brothers(2 and 6 years younger) both neighbors were my mom's older sisters and all their kids, and my whole family has a lot of issues due to their very abusive upbringing(grandfather burned house for insurance back on the day lol) but my house was next level guessing my mom's issues were the main cause. A lot of love don't get me wrong and we are all very close, but so much yelling and screaming with so much rage and negative emotions. So many mean evil outbursts from my mom. Being a kid and your mom screaming in rage/frustration that she didn't even know was due to her mental health, I now realize is very damaging. Her yelling at me "I hate you" "fat fuck" "you should go live with your father" etc. But yet so protective of her kids, always advocating for us, caving to our wants, typical mama bear. It's just that she had unknown mental illness, plus very traumatic childhood, and eventually drugs and alcohol for 30 years but still never missed a beat with the mom duties. Both my brother's had their same dad in house, same last name me being only different one, both well over 6 ft naturally athletic, I'm 5'7 and was obese 95% of my life up until like a year ago. I was the class clown, always so much potential that I wasted. Never took anything including myself seriously. Took my natural sense of humor and witty quick thinking and being the funny, no path in life, skating by on my pleasant personality, and up until now my total ignorance to the fact most people though liked me or at least had no issues with me, didn't take me as serious as I always perceived. I say all of that because it has to do with how I have done what the writer did. Most recently was like 10 years ago as I have been in a relationship for like 9. Before I started talking to my girlfriend, I was starting to get over this obsession I had with this other girl I had met at a job I had for a few months. She was out of my league at the time lol but she liked me a lot, for a short time. I look back and realized in the beginning I kind of felt cocky when she straight out told me and couldn't hide it anyway, how much she liked me. I look back and now remember just how much I tried to sound cool, and either made up stories or polished up the very few sex stories I had. How I thought talking about that to her would be ok, and even if she didn't like much, it's immature at 25 to talk like that to a person you like. And I think when she did start to pull away I of course got clingy. Signs were there way before but I was so inexperienced, immature, impulsive, craving love while hating myself, it was a recipe for disaster
Damn bruh I did this for almost 3 years.I was so lost in my mind. Drove a lot of people away not just girls. I’ve made it this far and I feel Ive basically overcome this in my head before this video and came across it today. Helps reinforce my lessons. Love you first, be patient, things don’t happen over night. And when they are really leaving it’s okay, this is a part of life. Appreciate the time you got and keep taking the next moments and lessons you learned with you. It’s tuff but you’ll be tuffer after this. You got this!!! Also you got options don’t forget about the other 7 billion people on this planet 😉 never know who you will meet.
22:25 - I personally think in the opposite way about this, when I feel like I can't make friends then I become less attached since the people I interact with won't become my friends anyway
Thank you. Never in my life have I had the words for the emotions that I’ve had. I’ve had this happen countless times and the last one was heartbreaking. You have given me hope that although I won’t be able to turn back time I can better myself for the next relationship.
To the OP: All humans can be very fickle and it is important to understand that people may not have the same level of investment initially, and also that they can change their investment in you due to circumstance or just general loss of intensity. "Getting busy" directly translates to loss of investment. People who really like each-other can and do make time for each-other despite being busy. This is something people will say to avoid upsetting you. People don't want to have to deal with your emotional needs in the early stages and are not going to tell you directly if they don't care as much as you do. It is important to read a person's actions and not the words. You must accept the truth of the fact that people can and will lose interest in you, frequently. It does not mean you cannot find a lasting, deep connection in the future. People just come and go from each other's lives. It is a natural part of human interaction. Please understand that this is not your fault, or something wrong with you. It is literally just human nature. When someone displays obvious signs of losing interest, you must take a step back and give them the opportunity to demonstrate their true feelings. If they still have attachment to you, they will notice your back-step and come to you. If they don't, you will not hear from them. Instead of dealing with the anxiety, you have to resolve to move on right from the moment that communication starts to break down. You really have to learn to let it go as soon as it looks like you need to. If they do really like you, THEY wont let it go. Women seem to respond very well to that type of resolve, from my personal experience. Strong emotional need is overwhelming to another person. The way to stop yourself from feeling that severe emotional need is to build up the other aspects of your life. Get hobbies and build a career for yourself. Give yourself other things to focus on and increase your confidence level. The more emotionally independent you are, the more charisma you will have. People in general respond extremely well to another human who requires nothing emotionally from anyone else.
This really is the best comment. If you've seen the responses to my comments above, you'll notice that when it's a woman in this position, the reason for the "loss of investment" is the woman's fault. The people responding are convinced that I was actively doing something wrong. I think it's hard for people to accept that even an attractive woman with her life together isn't immmune from what you've laid out above. Specifically, "emotional need is overwhelming to another person." I've had to step back and realize that I haven't always been emotionally independent, and no matter how fit or feminine I am, this is a serious impediment to dating success. The sad part is I would expend so much mental energy trying to pinpoint the exact moment when the loss of investment began and what I could have done to prevent it. I would blame myself for it happening and fixate on potential clues that would lead me to an answer. Now granted, I would not want to be with somone who loses interest in me because I have an anxious attachment style. There are far worse problems someone can have (addiction, deceitful behavior, financially irresponsible, etc.) So I've never felt like I missed my chance with anyone who's ever lost interest. People will tolerate a lot for someone they care about. But I've had to actively work on not getting too attached too early on. Instead, I've just started focusing on the things I can control and living my life in full.
something's missing here I feel. you've hit the nail on the head with everything you've stated but I feel like there might be slight oversights. sometimes relationships romantic or not are a two way thing. if you're a person who's not particularly sociable/outgoing, you're going to have to work harder if you want to keep those independent ongoing relationships flowing and going. i think there might be too much reliance on the idea that they Will come to you if they truly want to. sometimes they do, but just dont. it happens. probably plays into that whole "people make time for each other" thing. sometimes people are just waiting on the other person to give the all-clear, and the other person is too or is not on the same page, and so things die off because of that. really I think being open about where you want things to go, is what we should do.
This video has helped formulate my thoughts on this matter way better than I have been able to in my own head. I was hopelessly in love with someone in a very tough situation and ended up pushing her away by being obsessive and clingy in this exact way because I felt her distance herself from me. It terrified me, and even though I knew that my behaviour was toxic both to her and myself, I kept falling back into it over and over to the point where she has gone from loving me and being one of my closest friends to keeping me at arms length. I did ease up on my pushiness since a few months back, but I could never properly formulate the root cause and define exactly how I could better myself. I had some ideas, but this video has helped me structure them better. I think I need to be more relaxed about relationships and try to internalize that people do actually care and aren't trying to get rid of me, and that even if they are to just let them go. It shouldn't be up to me to "keep" my friends, remind people why they like me or that I exist. The most I should do is try to be the best person I can be and stay as open and emotionally available as I can depending on the situation. Constantly doubting the authenticity of relationships and trying desperately to keep them going artificially is not a recipe for a good social life. Relationships are 50/50, and giving more than you're receiving is inherently a raw deal, and shouldn't be a part of a healthy relationship. If only I could've seen that earlier. I'm mostly leaving this here for myself as a reminder/snapshot of my thoughts at this moment, but If you've read this far I hope you've gained some sort of insight from it -- whatever it may be. Also I know this is a long message but please don't ghost me.
These videos are helping me understand myself. This dude is really helping thousands, millions of people with themselves, me included. I am so grateful for his service to the internet as a whole
Dr. K always breaks things down so well. From the Personal Development School, I learned to identify my needs. And essentially, all these things that you are processing and taking a step back from, example: Don't forget I exist. Love me. Validate me. Show me affection. Prioritize me. I matter.... Give those to yourself first, take a step back, breathe. Then when you're less reactive, ask for those needs to be met, see if you can compromise. If they're unwilling, be realistic about what you're asking. If they still can't, then consider if this is even the right person to have in your life!
As a woman who has ghosted guys like this, it's not just confusion. It's also, "hey, i have a job and other obligations and i can't get through anything without a dozen texts from you. I can't be your therapist and i can't be your mother. That's not the agreement. I'm here to be your partner. We take care of each other. I'm not here to only emotionally take care of you while my needs fall by the wayside. "Oh, you want a quiet night to game and listen to music to relax after a hard day? Tough shit. Take care of me. Pay attention to me. You only texted me 10 times and I've texted you all day. Pay attention to me. Pay attention to me. Pay-" And often, anything less than praise elicits a blow up and finger pointing about being cruel or whatever. It's drama if a picture is "nice" and not "the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Step on me, king" So ghosted. Ya get ghosted. Edit: oh my god the amount of responses lol. That's really cool. I'm glad that what i said resonated (or pissed off) so many people. Okay, i keep getting this response by angry and entitled boys, so here is the deal. I'm going to answer the response i keep getting here. "Omg don't tell him what's wrong like an adult! Just ghost him! You're so immature. How would you like it if a guy ghosted you?!" This situation of mass texting and expecting me to be fuckable mommy has happened multiple times from multiple dudes. I always try to tell these dudes to knock it the fuck off in the nicest way i can, and maybe that's the problem because it is NEVER listened to. These types of guys do not listen. One of them literally threatened suicide when finally I told him that because he wouldn't stop spamming me at work, i didn't want to date him anymore. I agreed to stay friends so he wouldn't kill himself and despite my repeated pleading to stop spamming me with texts and sometimes calls while i was at work, and my dumping him because of it, he kept spamming me. Over and over. And you know what? I bet that to this day, he's running around telling anyone who will listen about how women ghost him for no reason. Idk what to tell you guys. I have a feeling a lot of you are asked to stop the behavior getting you ghosted and you just don't and then are shocked when she blocks you. Idk what to say besides maybe go to therapy and try to start thinking about how you would act if one of your dude friends was doing this to you. Oh i also date women and despite the amount of break ups, (most cordial with amazing women I'm still friends with,) I've never had a problem with women ghosting me, soooooo.... Yeah, the problem definitely isn't the one commonality between relationships. It's every single woman lmao
@@micaelz5477 op said she wasnt there to ONLY emotionally take care of a partner, she has other things to do, she also has needs to be taken care of as well. That includes giving her space and not be expecting her to be texting all day (because this is draining, if you have someone constantly demanding your attention and getting upset if you don't answer with enough compliments to a picture they sent... yeah no that aint it)
@@micaelz5477 you said what I said right there. You're there to help EACHOTHER. Not be the sole carrier of one person's emotional baggage while they carry none of yours. It is not the woman's job to drop everything and be emotional support 24 hours a day while the woman's emotional needs are irrelevant and their obligations are secondary to the boyfriend's constant needs. I specifically said i wanted a PARTNER. As in we support eachother. A partnership. I do not want a child. Btw, I'm sure you wouldn't let a friend or girlfriend get away with that. If your friend/girlfriend texted you at work and texted "hey, i can't talk, I'm working. I'll call you when I get off" and they said "okay," but then called and texted and texted and texted and demanded answers and accused you of shit and called and texted and texted and texted and this kind of stuff happened constantly, are you at your parents place for your sister's birthday? You only need to be away a couple hours? And that friend/girlfriend texted and texted and texted and called and texted. Your uncle's funeral. Calls and texts and texts and calls and texts. I doubt you would tolerate it. I've had many guys i just started dating do this stuff. That's not a partnership. It's a hostage situation.
I used to do this for a while. OP totally explains it well, the train of thought where you think you shouldn't message again but work yourself into doing it anyway. It actually almost happened to a really good friend of mine who had been going through some tough stuff, but we took a break from each other and we're really good friends now, since my anxiety of her disappearing isn't bothering me.
Healthy relationship is when both of you aren't afraid to open up and if one of you walks away it's probably the best but it's just superficial anyway because in relationship there's gonna be a person whose into someone more than the other person it may changes overtime but it's just what it is.
In my experience as someone who has had to ghost, when you notice that something is changing and she's starting to get colder with you, that's not the start of something, that's already a clear indicator of the end. It's already too late, and what you aimed for may very well have been the wrong kind of relationship from the very start. It is very possible that the person he was texting didn't want anything more than a simple friendship, no strings attached, or that maybe she just wanted to take it much, much slower than he did, and that as soon as she noticed his desire to move forward in a romantic sense showing much sooner than she was comfortable with, she just bailed out. This is a scary world for women, and even though you are not the one singularly at fault for it, that makes it so that as soon as any behavior even vaguely threatening arises, she will decide to just leave; often, we do so gradually hoping that the guy will also slowly lose interest instead of getting immediately angry and therefore become more of a threat to us. This doesn't have to be taken necessarily personally, but you *can* personally change some behaviors in a way that will make you look less "scary". When you really like someone, it's easy to go from 0 to 100 very fast, even if you yourself don't notice. But you gotta understand that people on the other side are not in your head and they very rarely follow your exact same pace, especially if you've known each other for a relatively short time.
I feel like when people talk about ghosting as something that isn't acceptable the point - usually - isn't so much that they feel like someone owes them a relationship as it is that it should be common courtesy to communicate your reasons for walking out on someone once you've gotten to know each other to a reasonable extent. There are exceptions to this, of course, but most times people just make excuses for being needlessly cowardly and lazy.
As someone who has been ghosted and done ghosting, it’s unfortunately that they/I verbalized why and I/the other party couldn’t comprehend, compromise, or recover from what was said
Simetimes its not your fault you got ghosted on. Ive ghosted one girl that just said "hey". I was anxious and thought she was trolling/wrote to me as a mistake (she was a class mate and didnt really know her). I was basically such a looser (and I was bullied) that I thought no girl will talk to me even for homework or anything stupid like that. I was and still am texting noone so that also felt strange. It wasnt her fault that I ghosted her, she was nicest and most chill person in the class and probably just wanted some homework.
I like your comment, it shows that people don’t always ignore others out of malice or boredom, it could be due to something internal. I feel I come across as cold or bitter sometimes if I feel anxious and say little to some people
@@ivyrose779 look at the guy over your comment. It could not be "ghosting", but it definitevly looked like ghosting and felt like it from the other side.
@@lr44x13 Hope you're doing better now :) Don't be afraid next time when someone you've never interacted to suddenly talks to you, who knows they might be your new best friend.
@@johnbonjov1491 I mean yea I am way smarter than 6 years ago. But I'm still nervous when talking to people I barely know. My speaking disorder doesn't help either.
Thank you for the information! It hurts to know that some possible friends or relations have faded away cause of this. But atlest now I know what to do, starting from now!
I really love this differentiation between blame and responsibility!!!! I've never seen it before and I wish it was more common, it would help so much with change and healing instead of just finding reasons to spiral.
I'm shocked at the ammount of value this video has. I think everyone should learn about mental health and how to manage emotions, and your channel is perfect for that
This is why i told my girl when we first met if she ever needs time to herself, is spending time with her kids, or just doesnt feel like talking, then to just let me know. I said im not gonna get upset or angry but I just don't want to cause her unnecessary stress by mistake and that's it that's all it took. A relationship especially a new one succeds largely due to communication and honesty.
I really need you to know that you just brought me back from edge of a delusional cliff that I’ve jumped off many times with situationships. And you explained every question I had about these attachment issues in detail
I had a friend that i really admired bc he was smart and cute with me, but he made my anxiety grow so much that i used to get scared whenever i saw his messages, he was the type of guy of this video. I'm a diagnosed anxious person and i fear attachment, so he scared me a lot being so intense and giving sublime signs that he was angry whenever i answered him late. nowadays i feel better with myself, so what happened doesnt really bother me so much anymore.
I love how he's talking about being on a different wavelength. Meanwhile as someone with autism I'm always on a different wavelength. I've got some professional help, but often it feels like even a friend I can trust will be too much of a stretch. Maybe it'll change someday, maybe I'll just decide to be done with it. Like what's the point of life of you're always gonna be on your own?
Plenty of point in life being on your own, even though company is nice. You are not your relationships. You are more than that. Find something that genuinely interests you and pursue that with all you've got. Chances are you'll eventually find your way into a community revolving around that thing you love and with whom you can at least share the passion about the thing without them necessarily being a "friend". If not, at least you've done the thing and can be proud of that regardless of any social outcomes.
@@kristianjensen5877 I get what you mean, but to me it's really hard to not have anyone to share my feelings and emotions with. Like because of my autism is hard anyway, but having to always bottle it up, because we either don't have that kind of relationship or they just don't want to understand(my parents), is killing. I know of some people who are completely fine on their own, but for me it just doesn't work. I don't know it makes you feel incredibly disconnected from the world and causes even more anxiety than I already have thanks to having autism. Like at this point even asking an employee where something is in a store is a massive hurdle for me. It didn't use to be this bad when I was still in highschool, but the last few years it's only been getting worse. Like a lot of people here I'm a gamer and I've tried getting into some communities, I'm a massive Forza nerd for example, but I'm always scared to say something wrong and when people aren't very implicit i won't get it. In the end making me just keep my mouth shut, cause at least i won't offend anyone then.
just so you know there is a difference between feeling lonely and truly being alone. true aloneness is freeing, but loneliness itself is a shackle, it’s suffering
The mental health counseling that so many people deserve. Normally you'd have to pay 100's of dollars week after week just to hear this stuff. That's why nobody goes to counseling, it's too damn expensive. Keep putting free knowledge into the world and you'll slowly start to see it improve.
This helps a lot. I feel like I got anxious for this reason but instead of getting clingy and texting too much, rather I jumped the gun and asked her out too soon. Next time I will give myself more time to think about it and talk to friends for advice.
Below, are my personal standards on how I can keep a relationship going. I try my best to keep them. * Trust her * Support her * Be happy for her * Don’t smother her * Don’t go too deep with your thoughts of the future * Don’t be insecure * When you feel insecure or mad don’t text- take a break, do something physical then look at your feelings * Don’t question when she is around boys * Be positive * Find fun things to do * Laugh * Smile * Give complements * Encourage * Be happy for their accomplishments * Be confident in yourself (because your great! ) * Love yourself * Pursue your own interests * Be your own person * Don’t be Needy
18:50 Yes, this is hard, because if you're really shy, introverted and anxious, chances like this maybe come along one every few years (not even exaggerating), so letting go means continuing to be lonely for the next 5 years or so.
"letting go" is a concept that extends far past this kind of thing. If you are still shy and anxious you haven't actually let go yet. That letting go is far more important and is what you should be focusing on.
@@ForeverMasterless highly disagree that if you are still shy and anxious you haven't let go? Where did you get that idea? I agree it's important to move forward but that's about it.
@@adambaker6794 I think you gotta question what it is to be shy and what it is to be anxious. Both are cases where the person doesn't let go of their fears and preconceived notions.
It's funny. Watching this channel, watching unrelated topics, i've done a lot of instrospection and somehow got to the root of my depression. I think i can't thank you enough for this...
This was an amazing tpic and I am glad that this person had the courage to speak up and share their anxiety. I genuinely hope this video helped them 🙏🏽 Honestly, I didn't quite understand my own anxious behavior in romantic situations in the past and this has clarified soooo much for me. Thank you Dr. K for this amazing breakdown and advice! 🤗
The poster describes my tendencies to a tee. This is one of the most important vids I've ever watched. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for going through this Dr. K.
OMG I finally understand why my ex was so clingy and why it pressured on me. And why it felt like it was all about his feelings. I was super confused for a while, because I do know he was gentle person, but when we were together it was just pressure. I hope he's on a better way now. Thanks for explaining this, Dr. K. It helps people on the other side as well.
I have never been able to ghost someone as I felt too guilty to leave someone hanging. I have always been honest whenever I felt a connection wasn’t something that fit what I was looking for. I don’t think this approach is better but it’s what felt right to me and what I believe in. I used to hate being ghosted and often let the anxiety get the best of me. I learned over time that I don’t need to know why someone made their decision to leave. My therapist taught me 2 things that helped me. “The reason they ghosted you Is not about you” and “you can’t expect to find yourself in others”. Great content, I’m proud of my progress as I watched this video and already knew everything that you explained. 🎉
"You can’t expect someone to keep up with all the stuff that you’re doing in your head" would have been life-changing advice for me twenty years ago
Same. But it's never too late. Regrets are useless, the past is the past. View yourself as more skilled now and take it as a gift.
@@Narusasu98 Man, I've been busy learning Chinese & Japanese and a lot of this common sense relationship stuff I missed out on and I have to deal with cultural differences. I look and see other people learning so many languages and having good social lives and forget I should be going my own pace...
"People dont know how to have healthy conversations" "instead we just ghost people"
-Subbed
@Arnulfo Torres Sometimes they just don't have the heart to tell you why. Example I had a college friend we clicked and got along great but she had some mental issues. At first I thought whatever everyone has their issues and the more she told me the more comfortable she got with me and I listened. Sometimes I would buy her lunch because she would forget to eat but then all of a sudden (months later) she started hinting at me almost on a weekly basis that she wanted my help to pay for her therapy because of her suicidal thoughts. I suggested she talk to her doctor to see her options but this chick just flat out says naa....she wants online therapy only and her insurance doesn't cover it. So she shows me the website shes talking about and this shit is 200-300 a month and I'm thinking what crack is she smoking that she thinks I have this kind of money. I even suggested she get a job to pay for it and her answer was literally "naa" I don't want to work followed by some excuse about her mental health and her workload. Than the manipulation started where she would talk about how she wanted to kill herself and end it all to push me to help her. I honestly couldn't take her trauma dumping, manipulation tactics, laziness and refusal to seek help anymore and I had to ghost her because I was actually afraid of her killing herself if I told her the truth. I'm sure you don't have this girls problems but there's a lot of feelings people are afraid to express for whatever reason.
@Arnulfo Torres its life man. But not wanting to talk to you because you couldn't give him money is bullshit though.
I blame social media for this
This isn't for every situation, but I know a lot of women ghost in these kinds of situations because they start to fear for their safety. People who get clingy out of nowhere show a lot of the same signs as people who are possessive and dangerous to be around. The behavior of being clingy out of nowhere is confusing yes, but also can make women scared. Violence against women is more common that people want to talk about. I bet 95% of every woman you know has been verbally harassed, followed down a street, or sexually assaulted at some point. Women are taught by their mothers, friends, and mentors to be aware of potential threats because sadly they're all over the place, and there's no way of her being able to tell if you're just a sensitive guy with certain emotional needs, or if you're someone who may stalk and harm her.
@@cyclesofstrength Calling out the behavior and explaining it makes you uncomfortable usually helps because most guys don’t even realize they’re doing it. But I understand your fears and they are valid and this only applies to the guys that don’t seem aggressive or insane. The unfortunate truth is the majority of men were never taught how to socialize with women and are completely ignorant on what makes women feel unsafe and uncomfortable. It sounds like a really stupid excuse but it’s true I’ve personally had to talk to guys privately about their behavior just for them to tell me they didn’t know they were coming off that way. I know sounds completely stupid but people can be that ignorant of what they’re doing. But you’re still entitled to ghost them. This doesn’t apply to weirdos following you or harassing you of course just guys who come off clingy.
"A healthy relationship is a relationship where someone is comfortable around you and WANT to be with you, it's what you deserve"
But not everyone can get.
@@tomaszpawlik5091 because it not easy to identify
@@dariotatopiola since that in which is easy will never suffice for the long term.
How do I "deserve" this? This has to be earned. If I don't have it, I'm clearly not worthy of having it.
yes I "deserve" something literally unobtainable
A girl I'm talking to for a while sent me this video, saying this reminded her of me. When I watched this everything just clicked. This literally describes me. Instead of leaving me she's trying to help me better myself. I might be imagining things but I think she wants to understand me better.
Edit: I wish my story had a forever-ever-after ending. When I was on my self-finding journey, I tried to date her. She was as broken as me if not more. I was not the guy who could provide her the right things, not yet anyway.
I tried to support her but by the day we went colder. She is still my friend and someone I dearly value as she saved me from myself. Sadly I could not do the same for her. As long as I wanted to end this journey of mine on a dreamy end, this is what things are like right now. I heard she found herself a boyfriend. I wish from the bottom of my heart that she is happy.
Edit 2: It's been 2 years since I posted this. Firstly I want to thank all the comments ranging from people who sympatized with me to kids drunk on alpha male podcasts telling me to man up.
I've had the chance to take a good look at myself and work towards things I wished were true. I've started working out and lost about 30 KG (66 pounds). I've changed to a job I love doing. Got better friends who genuinely support me and enjoy hanging out with me.
I realized all it matters is not to mold yourself into someone people would like but to be yourself and find people who like you for who you are.
I've been dating a girl for the last 6 months now. I have never been happier and I think pretty seriously about her.
For those who are hopeless, suicidal and lonely enough to write your pain on a youtube video like me, it's never too late. Just start somewhere no matter how small it may be and build yourself from the ground up into the person you wish you were. Over time it WILL get better I promise.
Do you relate? It yes, she already gets you. :)
But take care of yourself, okay? She can't always be doing that. Good luck to you both.
At least you took it well, I definitely wouldn't have.
She prolly likes you dude but wants you to figure yourself out and become a chad as no girl wants a guy that relies on her as it’s a burden you got this brother💪🏼
@@chainz1385 Thank you brother.
Honestly she’s 1 in a million. Congrats on bettering yourself with a little help
A reminder that helps me, “don’t make others responsible for your emotions.”
also bring communism back
@@philippezevenberg1332 communism doesn't work
@@isavyh Yeah that's why I want it back.
Great quote, writing it down 🙏
Also that "you can't rely on someone else for your own happiness"
This poor guy had a fucking nightmare of a family, I hope one day he feels better about himself
This 👏🏼
yeah my heart go's out to him i can relate more then i care to admit
I can relate
While I understand why he was being ghosted the very concept of it is really childish and in no way justifiable. If you don't want to talk to someone anymore you have to develop the maturity to tell the other person so. It's just childish to block someone.
While I hope so as well, I'm also a victim of long term bullying. This isn't something you ever shake off. It stays with you. The only way to improve it is to have an environment that genuinely cares and understands and sadly, unless you're really lucky pretty much the only spaces for this are therapy/clinics.
Bullying and the results of it are heavily underestimated generally. Alot of bullying victims and the bullies themselves end up as loners who never find back the connection to others.
Yo wtf was wrong with OP’s family? If anything he needs to ghost them.
He was probqbly in a scapegoat situation. Where the family is dysfunctional. The family will use that person to treat them like shit because of their own problems ofc I wouldnt know anything but it is a good theory ive encountered.
@@TheLilmage7 if it's not that, I'd be pretty surprised actually
@@TheLilmage7 it’s like playing a game of League of legends and then, when the entire team has contributed to the squad getting shit on. Then, at some point, 3/4 of the 5 generally start to shit on one person who has made mistakes, but nothing much worse than anyone else
Seems like there are way more profound reason for family to hate OP. Like some Mexican drama where the baby was swapped/result of incest/was born by 14yo or his mother died in labor or maybe OP killed someone during his youth?
@@МихаилВолков-л2я Don't see why first 2 are valid reasons..... also Idk how you can make excuses for the family after reading that part where they mocked him no one's going to his funeral. Problematic children exist, but a good family would do everything they can to help them out. Looking at his family's responses and also his level of emotional turmoil/relationship issues, it seems the family was the problem here.
To add onto “letting go of the your baggage”, I find that being invested in self-sufficient hobbies/life work helps me be at peace with dying relationships. Self-sufficiency really helps in moments like that, and Ironically, when I focus on myself, people want to hang out more!
There is no such thing as a new beginning, Roman. With every day we live, we pick up new baggage, baggage we must carry with us for the rest of our lives. There’s no dropping it and pretending we are fresh and clean, just because we get off a boat in a new place.
Niko Bellic to his cousin Roman
While it's true that Self-sufficiency is the best way to be at pace with yourself, hyper-independency is bad for yourself in the long run. Careful with it
@@MeroInLostWoods word
In the first place if they are gonna hang out because you do some shitty ass hobbie they weren't even your friends. Wtf?! What is this the instagram friends?! Hanging out with people based on accolades?
@@doomerrr00 "Let's go Bowling"
Roman Bellic to his cousin Niko
The issue is that anxiety causes you to be clingy, the clingy makes the other person block you, them blocking you makes you feel like your anxiety was justified all along ("she blocked me, I knew she didn't want me, I was right all along") and then the next time this happens the anxiety you get about the relationship is even stronger, and it creates this cycle that's hard to notice when you're in the middle of it. And this starts chipping away your self esteem and confidence until you start to hate yourself, and that makes getting into healthy relationships even more difficult. I've been struggling with this for years and only very recently have I started understanding what's going on
I dont hate myself, but i do dislike a preposterous social construction like this social game
@@shinygiveaways1920 For me since my relationships never went anywhere good, it made me question whether I was good enough to be loved. Like if every potential relationship ends the same way, something HAS to be wrong with me, if that makes sense. Thanks to therapy I don't think this way anymore but it led to a lot of suicidal thoughts and social anxiety when I was younger. Most people don't realize how much harm you can do to someone just by ghosting them.
@@plaguepandemic5651 I have aspergers, thats the obvious issue. The question is, do you change yourself and force yourself to be NT or only date likeminded people? Both are quite horrible choices.
So one needs to let the person know my expectations from the relationship?
@@taiseeralam113 just be a good communicator, if you love the person let them know it, if it isn't working out, also let them know. However just randomly ignoring or blocking someone doesn't help anyone, it makes the one doing the ghosting comfortable with hiding their feelings from others and encourages future dishonesty, and the one being ghosted left wondering where they screwed up and why they weren't deserving of basic acknowledgment from someone that they trusted
"What do you do if they're really leaving?"
"You let her go"
Truth. And lots of people need to hear it.
I was one of those 😔
What if every girl that you make a connection with tries to leave you? What do you do then?
@@HideorEscape You need to understand why they leave you. Lol. Its not always the problem with other people - sometimes its you
@@HideorEscape Get help. If you want to be able to establish relationships with other, but you can't seem to be able to and you see a pattern of people leaving, write it down and go see someone about. You can start with someone you trust (if you have one), maybe a social worker if you're not ready for therapy and if you are, a therapist.
Bro listen to me aiight ? If they wanna leave then they gotta anounce that they are planning to do it . They like gotta say that : hey i think this realationship is in a way that im over with it . Or shit like that . The way that she blocks you is so of a shitty behaviour . I trully understand this situation with the guy
Halloween is coming up, nothing better than to talk about ghosts.
BOO
👻👻👻
@@Fizzyiceee
BA
😆 🤣
:]]]
One problem is that if no one starts investing.. all relationships remain low effort. As in.. you won't have friends.. only aquaintances. I did this all my life and of course all of them ended when it suddenly took effort to stay in touch. (I moved away, switched jobs etc.)
And those are the people you seem to attract. You are secretly needy but pretending not to and you attract the people who also put in little effort. The healthy ones you push away.
The solution isn't to stop wanting more out of relationships.. but somehow find the right person and be fulfilled enough on your own so you don't overwhelm them. (Circumstances like breakups, death of loved ones.. etc. not included)
The tragedy is.. I have no idea how that works in practice or how to make new friends when it's not handed to me.
I think I have a very similar problem, only difference is I have no idea what a healthy friendship even is.
@@hollanderson Well it's kind of like chasing unicorns. But you know what people are supposed to be like to each other.. supportive, loving, caring.. they want to spend time with you and make it worthwhile for both of you, oh and a little bit of tough love and healthy boundaries. They shouldn't however be envious of you, talking at you but never listening to you, putting you down.. basically anything that is one sided or causing you more harm than good.
The harsh reality is though that those friendships are hard to find.
If you spend too much time together it will amplify every tiny issue. So it's a tough balance.. as it is in any relationship.
@@hgzmatt Yeah... I have memorized the talking points by now, but still don't know what exactly it's supposed to look like or feel like.
@@hollanderson Even if you find it, I feel like it won't last. But I do hope you find it. All the best to you.
Yea ,and the chances of finding it depends on so many different things, like life circumstances, your personality, how you look , etc. Everyone is wired differently and a committed friendship is really hard to find.
It really is hard, it can seem like someone clicks with you really well, but in reality they only see you as an acquaintance. And sure that's where you gotta get to know them more. But what if they dont want to know about you? Thing is they also have to be interested in you as well.
Friendships that are one-sided always end in disaster.
My mother used to ignore me when I acted "wrong" as a child. It hurt deep. In other relationships, people often would leave me, and I never knew the reason behind it. Now I know, it was undiagnosed autism making communication harder. It still left mental wounds that changed my behavior for years.
When I met my friend, I didn't know about autism, and I was nearly at my worst. I was terrified of loosing him very soon. I did a lot of dumb stuff, trying to get his attention and reassurance that he still cared and liked me and wanted to spend time with me. Firstly, I was afraid he wouldn't be interested in hearing anything about me, especially the stories of my traumas. Until one day I just told him what was happening and why -- I had spent quite a while trying to understand the root of my problems, -- and asked them for the reassurance directly.
And he told me he liked me, and wanted to be my friend. And I felt better. For a week, or maybe two. Then I was unsure again, and he told me the same thing again, and again -- he said it wasn't hard, and he _cared_ about me enough to give me that little reassurance I needed to feel well. After that I wrote another long text apologizing to wanting it and asking him to make sure it's really okay for him, and not do anything for me unless he 100% wants to, and sorry anyway.
With time, after he told it over and over, after we've spent hours talking about our lives, after he shared his stories and I told him about my childhood, after he taught me what being a friend actually meant, how calling me this by definition meant he wanted to be around, how I didn't need to expect him to hurt me, which I did, and didn't have to go everything so he feels better while ignoring my needs... After all of this, I suddenly found out I wasn't all that scared anymore. At times, yes, I still need a bit of reassurance. He knows it, and he reminds me when I need it, but overall I am just calm and certain, and it's the first time in my life when I am.
(We still have a joke about me writing books in our messages -- because of the long texts I tended and tend to send, which he says he greatly enjoys. I got really, really lucky with him :))
After this, I've got a few more friends. With some of them I'm closer than with others, but I never felt that insecure about relationship. It's not like all the problems disappeared at once, of course; but they got manageable, and if I can't do something alone, I now have friends that are happy to help me deal with my stuff as much as I want to help them with theirs.
I don't know what I say it all for. I guess, to share the experience and to say there are happy endings?
Thanks for sharing your experience! I'm still on the process of working hard against my social anxiety with the help of my best friend, and this gives me a little more hope for my future relationships.
@@ProxymanDerk thank you for your reply. Stay strong and hopeful, I know it may be really hard at times, but I believe you will manage it, and one day you will find that it got easier. I believe in you and wish you all the best! ✨
@@alsy6813 thanks! Wishing you the best too
Based friend based OP
She is a psychopath yeah. They pull out longterm ghosting practices effortlessly
I absolutely find myself in this pattern. I think it mostly stems from an overall sense of insecurity and lack of confidence because I've never felt like anyone's first choice, so when I do get into situations like the one described, which I'm actually currently dealing with right now, I overdo it and get clingy because I seem to think "I never get a chance like this! I gotta make the most of it". Wow, it's almost like the algorithm gave me the exact video of yours that I needed to see. This video really hit hard and I'm going to work on this part of myself going forward. Thank you, Dr. K.
"Texting" isn't a relationship. You need to DO things together.
This! Trying to conduct relationships mostly over messaging makes this sort of issue so much worse, I think. There's no body language or any other context, you just can re read and overthink about every message... It's easy to become bored of someone if all you ever do is talk over text
@@pachelruli5320 Yeah but I think a lot of people nowadays just aren't willing to put in the work which is a bit more frustrating because you overcompensate and then feel like you're just wasting your time
@@pachelruli5320 Well, there were 2 main problems I've encountered with your solution:
1. Some people live in different countries\cities and can't really communicate in real life, even though they are very compatible in terms of their interests.
2. For most people (including me) is that also in our society everyone is so busy trying to compete with anyone else at the job market that people start obsessing about personal growth and establishing ''useful connections'' so that we forget that we just need to meet with another person just for the fun of it. To save time, people resort to texting.
The pandemic also introduced the 3rd problem:
3. A lot of people don't want to put others at risk of catching Covid just because they want to ''DO'' things together.
@@TypicalRussianGuy yeah I agree actually, modern life makes it difficult. The trouble is, I think humans still need connection the same as they ever have, no matter what the modern world demands of us. It definitely ain't easy!
@@pachelruli5320It's especially frustrating if most people I meet in my city consider my ''Westernized'' outlook weird, especially on gender roles, so when I am trying to establish a relationship with a girl in my city, she always expects the ''traditional'' courting, which I consider very outdated and, in many ways, toxic and humiliating for both men and women.
Although I do have some good friends in my city, I feel like most of my best friends live abroad and it's quite sad that I have a looong way to go before I can move out due to financial and immigration law reasons (basically, I still need to have way more money to go abroad to Europe and America, and even when I will have the money, there is a huge chance that American immigration authorities can deny me entrance only because of my Russian passport)
Anyone watching who Consistently has this pattern I highly recommend looking at anxious and avoidant attachment styles. The type of behavior he is describing in this video is incredibly common of people with an anxious attachment style usually who have been through traumatic experiences That affect how relationships are built going further in their lives
this is me. although im better about it now, in the past, i used to drive some people away
@@classyjohn1923 yeah realizing people have lives and getting out the headspace of “they’re avoiding me” helps a lot. Because maybe they are but it’s likely they’re just at the movies or doing something that’s also important, and for me that acceptance has helped a lot because I’m removing all of this blame on myself, which allows me to also have my own life instead of hanging around the phone.
I appreciate you sharing this with the community. Thank you!
I have been bothered by the feeling of rejection constantly even though what others did isn't really rejecting me
Attractive people more confident than ugly people because when you re ugly people thread you like garbage
19:04 I think everyone needs to hear this more often
It also applies to hobbies as well.
YO clicky crisp when from nothing to a knife??
ily clicky, ik you havent posted in a while but i hope you've been taking care about yourself :)
This....I don't think I've been so quick to thumbs up any other post. I FEEL this.
Great to see you here, man
The story of becoming obsessive due to a girl's life becoming more busy really resonated with me. I was the guy who texted every few days with no response, attempting to play it cool, and then would hit her with a block of text trying to give her an out so that I could be rejected and move on, saying things like "I don't want to guilt trip you into going out with me". Was "ghosted" for 3 weeks. She finally responded and said I was making her uncomfortable and said it was best if things ended and wished me the best. I simply texted back, "Okay sounds good. Sorry about that. I wish you the best too!" It was a learning experience for me and I realize that a lot of the anxiety can be solved by not assuming more of the relationship than discussed.
In reality it had nothing to do with you. You were interested and available- she didn't give a Phuk on the other hand.
Plainly put.. She wasn't interested in you.
Yeah dude wth? That was not on you at all. What do you think flirting and courtship is for? It's about letting the other people being in your lifestyle. Imagine a scenario, someone texted you when they are only freed or missed you? Who you think that is? It's either a sibling or a friend my dude. Not someone that is included in your lifestyle through the courtship or flirtation! Again, it's not that you were overinvested but because they didn't want you to be invested in them
I cut people loose after 1-2 weeks of no texting. Unless they were out of the country.
Wow, I have typed out a long paragraph just like this in my notes app, ready to send. I'm glad to see this so now I won't.
Instead of asking them, "do you like me", we are actually trying to turn it the other way around to say "do you not like me, that's fine, no problem".
Both are just desperate attempts to find out what they're thinking because we just haven't heard from them in a while.
@@simonwilson7581yeah dont do it man. Women are weird nowadays, a vast majority are interested in guys that pay the least attention to them and that play hard to get. Focus on urself and let them come, the chase aint worth it.
This one hurt to watch. I've been ghosted a couple times by people I really cared about and it's like getting an arrow through your stomach. It slowly and painfully kills you.
Yes it does
One of the best things I've learned was if you want to talk to someone call them. Texting is not a good way to have a meaningful conversation because tone and context get lost in the words. I dated a girl 10 years older then me and she taught me the value of calling and holding a conversation. I met my now wife online and the week leading up to our first date we talked on the phone just about everynight after work. Married now for almost 2 years and the one things she always says she enjoyed about meeting me was she felt like she already had met me because we were having meaningful conversations and not texting small talk. Obviously don't over do it and call her non stop but if she is interested she'll make time to talk because you're showing more Interest via calling then texting.
Thank u exactly 💯. texting is 💩
The one thing that always worries me about calling is that I feel like it would be inconvenient for the other person. Like there are times I’d be deep into texting and I ask if we can call but that’s usually a rarity, like shit trying to actually call people these is days is so fucking awkward
But if i calling someone i always idk instantly become a people pleaser and giggling my way out because i hate if they're said nothing is colder than to not get a text back. I mean bad call happens also like we're the one trying desperately to talk and the other party just said uh umm yes okay bye.
as a Chinese rural women, I prefer calling than texting to people around me. This includes family members, friends, work partners, my superior,etc. Just by hearing each other's voice will make the communication more efficient and closer compare to cold messages.
It is a bit painful to accept, but we can only improve & overcome if we accept our part in things. If it wasn't at least partially our fault, that would be _truly_ bad news
yeah its real hard to help those people too when they just refuse to believe they can improve things about their lives
If anything I think the lack of control is liberating. Sorta like riding a roller coaster, you just have to enjoy the ride.
@@christopherthompson5400 well, but if there is 0 control it would also mean that you can't change anything for the better, which is not a nice prospect for most people
@@TheDhammaHub you know. You are completely right. I was tired when I wrote my comment, but if it's any consolation I feel there can be a positive spin either way, should you find yourself in the less likeable circumstance that despite all the best efforts some things are just out of control because life is hectic.
@@christopherthompson5400 Very true!
Mad respect for the guy who put himself out there for this post. To have that kind of upbringing but still able to have that level of introspection and willing to hold himself accountable even if it does confirm an insecurity is really respectable.
wow. i really needed this because im talking to a guy right now, and this week i had that anxious moment and freaked out over text for the first time with him, even though i knew logically it wasn't warranted. my trauma was being cheated on and i've been working to understand how that wound affects me now. this video popped up in my recommendations and i think i was meant to see it. thank you so much for making this video and helping me understand myself better :')
"Making the men in your present, pay for the mistakes of the men in your past, equals no future."
-Kevin Samuels
Go to therapy and sort it out before getting in a relationship. Its not fair to him if you're coming into this damaged by someone else.
Hopefully he ghosted you.
@@Adminium21 wow thanks!!
@@briannacox4878 Very welcome.
Part of why ghosting happens is emotional labor. One person may not want to put in the emotional labor required to support the other person’s anxiety.
I feel bad for saying this but it’s true. I ghosted someone recently because I was going thru a rough patch; my depression was worsening. But each time they kept dumping their emotional labor on me and getting upset because I was behaving cold towards them. When in reality, I was emotionally exhausted and I had no energy to give them attention. I just wished they’d talk to a therapist and work on their anxious attachment.
"You can't have agency without responsibility. If you can get credit for the win you should take responsibility when you lose." I freaking loved that line
Idk, sometimes you lose before you’ve begun to fight 🫤
@@xlro8f853 cant lose if you dont engage in a fight
If you are anxious it is not enough to work with your own anxiety, you also need a person who pro-actively reduce anxiety and builds trust. Some people do this naturally as their second nature, some people do not understand they should. If you feel your anxiety builds up but your partner never seem to assure you they might simply not be for you and that is ok.
A hard lesson to embrace, but goddamn it’s so worth it
i sort of get what you say, but this feels dangerously close to the idea that you should date enablers instead of just working on yourself to heal.
@@gleipnirrr: The other extreme is that you date people within the Cluster B spectrum who have a low empathy and will psychologically abuse you for your feelings. You will never heal with that kind of partner.
In my situation I dealt with a narcissistic partner before I learned about this. She would constantly telling me I was childish with my emotions while she also never really tried to make me feel "ok". Once that relationship broke down I eventually realized that I was not a problem to everybody else. Now a few years later I have a lot of experience with people out of a broad range of personalities and I know that to most people my emotions are just fine, and normal, and even positive, and all those issues she had no one else had.
This is especially important for guys to understand because guys are often taught that if there is a problem in their relationship, it's their responsibility to fix it. If you have that kind of attitude while dating a person without empathy, you are almost dead.
@@gleipnirrr your brain learns to think of yourself differently through observing other people respect you and comfort you.
I think it's one of the fundamental needs that are supposed to get fulfilled by family but not all people are fortunate to have a supporting family.
Obviously everyone should seek professional help but humans for the most part simply can't function without understanding relationship be it a friend or a partner
I'm also anxious but not about relationships/social. This is kinda ridiculous isn't it, your partner isnt a mind-reader. You have to say so
This exact same thing happened to me with a girl getting ghosted but my family life was the opposite. All my negative social interaction came from bullying in school. I think more people in the mental health field should be aware of this. You can have the most loving parents but years of bullying/being ignored by most of your peers can still do tremendous damage.
Kids now a days spend way more time with teachers and other kids than with their parents. Use to be bad when I was in school, but now the issue has gotten way worse. I agree with you
this is so fucking exhausting. nobody likes me like that. over and over and over again. self improvement again and again. social skills practiced again and again and again
I think you should never ghost anyone. If you want to end a friendship it is ok. Do that. But tell them at least instead of just sudendly permanently ignore the other person
I agree. It's just not right, and I don't get why people do it.
A lot of the time when it's happened to me, I haven't even pressed the other person that much. Yeah, I do type long messages sometimes. But it's happened even when I didn't do that, so that can't be the reason; at least not the only one.
People just give up as soon as something is no longer convenient these days, I guess. It's far too easy.
Nope, some don't deserve an explanation.
@@trollzynisaacjohan1793 If so, they may never learn. They will just hate ghoster for being unfair to them, them not knowing why or what for. They can see ghoster and everybody like ghoster as dangerous for them, as an enemy of themself. That's where many incels come from - autistic guy gets ghosted, cannot know why. There are two easy answers for this: That's the way of a woman, so all womanhood gets blamed, or there is something wrong with their innate attributes, so unfairness prevail.
It's the same from the other side - man-hating "feminist" groups are growing under our radar (less manslaughter I guess), but they come from the same place: Lack of communcation and looking for answers for their broken hearts.
If not them, then society, deserves an explanation. We are all responsible for it.
@@firion666I do get this and I believe lots of valid points were made in this thread.
I'd like to take the middle ground though.
Ghosting people you've had lots of long, meaningful conversations with and a few dates with is wrong. Ghosting a long time friend is wrong if they're still reaching out to connect, rather than people just naturally drifting away. You should politely tell someone you're not interested in them any longer. Ghosting in these situations is very unfair and hurtful and it should be on the potential ghoster to be honest with the ghostee.
However, if it's something like a dating app or social media app where you only exchanged a few messages, I don't think you always need to reply. There's so little emotional investment there, and sometimes putting in that much effort isn't worth it especially with the frequency people do actually get berated for saying "Hey, I'm not interested in this Convo anymore." Would it be more polite? Sure.
I've been ghosted in the scenario like the first. It hurts like hell. I've also been ghosted in the way I described in the latter. Not super fun either, but easy to move on from even as someone that suffers from rejection sensitivity. Overall just don't be dicks and leave a budding or old relationship clueless and wondering what they did wrong.
they do it because they're narcissistic and don't care. or they care but they are embarrassed to say. people need to be told that they are responsible for maintaining trust and severing ties directly and with a warning. ghosting people out of nowhere is misusing the trust and it's exactly what traumatizes people who can no longer trust the other person enough. there is some amount of social contract that goes into people's relationships that you shouldn't be able to ignore
I've always made it a point not to ghost people. It's rude and disrespectful. If I no longer wish to talk to someone, I tell them. To their faces if possible. If someone ghosts me, then I just figure we weren't compatible in our values and move on. Quite frankly, I don't want to waste my time with the kind of people who think ghosting is acceptable behavior. They're cowards.
It just ticks me off so badly that people these days have so little respect for one another.
I know ghosting is cowardly, and I know you weren't talking about every situation, but I used to be firmly against ghosting, which made me stay 4 more years in a toxic relationship. I was really scared to confront this person, I was really scared they were going to deny everything I would say, I was scared I would just disassociate and not be able to get any point across. I know most times you should try to talk it out, but sometimes it's okay to just ghost someone.
I’m the same. I 💯 agree with everything here. When someone ghosts it says so much about them and it makes me feel relieved they showed me who they are sooner. Although with abusive situations situations it’s acceptable
I agree ghosting is wrong. But I literally can’t convey how I feel so I just stop talking to them instead.
@@Spengas just make a standard text, you lazy bum
If the person doesn't ask why you ghosted, why to tell? A colleague didn't return my goods, so I ghosted him. I don't care if he feels bad about it, he never asked.
Even though it's not completely an issue with me, this helps me understand why I have had shortcomings. I can get girls, and I can do pretty well, but if I'm emotionally invested I completely flip a switch and cease to become myself. I become needy and worried about how I am being perceived. I have been working on being more 50-50 and willing to let go if there is no reciprocal, and that pressure has actually been less and less.
I felt like I needed to keep conversations going to keep that "flame" so to speak, and all it did was make girls text back less and less. With this I am able to understand that I can do my part, and I can't force them to do their part. If it works out, great. If not then the next one will come and I'll try again.
With that understanding I do feel like it's less crucial to latch on to a girl I'm overly attracted to, and oddly enough it seems to be less taxing on myself. I feel less pressured to "perform" and I'm actually able to be myself. This further reinforces it, so thank you for that.
Complete non-attachment is the way to go. I heard a long time ago something like, "instead of trying to get a girl to like you, just relax into the process of finding out if you even like her." It helped me a lot.
Same
If it's text you have all the time you need to compensate for the way your emotions are effecting you. You can check whether you're being normal before you send anything at all, because after all not responding for a while longer is not a big deal.
After a relationship I got burnt out from getting to know others like I literally tell them nah don’t expect me to do all the talking we ain’t immature we’re grown. You talk too…. How does one talk about shit? What is there to talk about?
@@ForeverMasterless slow to warm up to her and etc? Similar to demisexusl? How long does it take for u to do that?
I found this extremely interesting. It’s only an issue for me if I sacrifice myself for someone, because then I need their validation to make up for that. However, so long as I stay true to myself and refuse to allow anyone else to control me, then the only validation I need is from me. Don’t turn yourself into a pretzel for anyone unless you have achieved a connection that’s really solid and even then, don’t totally lose yourself in another person because the reason they were interested in you in the first place, was based on what you brought to the table. If you make another person your sole focus, you lose that.
I've had this happen to me with a woman I was involved with, we basically operate on the same wavelength and I became obsessed, and shed ignore me or find me annoying, we are still good friends. But only because I made the decision to better myself and in doing so would have to separate myself from her physically. The toxic ideology men get in their own heads is truly saddening and I'm glad you're content is helping others like myself. Women are people my brothers, just understanding that alone makes relationships 100 times easier.
Yes exactly. I feel like telling guys Ive dated this. IM A HUMAN BEING. Treat me like your buddy and slowly we can become rlly good buddies and then buddies who are partners.
Thank you 💖
@@juicyparsons i appreciate the thanks but it should be the norm and you shouldn't feel the need to thank someone for recognizing your humanity. Big love hope yall find someone who respects you
"Women are people my brothers, just understanding that alone makes relationships 100 times easier."
"Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other."
What I got from this video and comment section is "Women are other people, other people aren't you, you need to make sure you're communicating properly, with words, and not suddenly doing things because you feel unseen."
As someone that gets really serious really early, clingy, tendency to message a lot - I know it's not that healthy, but I know it comes from a place that badly wants connection and love. It's a red flag to people, hence why they pull away. But I don't think it's necessary to repress the urge to go full blast with your hopes and emotions. Instead, I just think you want to find someone on the same page mentally, or with the same energy and goals if you don't want to tone it down. And work on turning the overboard texts into briefer, comprehensive communication. I know I have the urge to hint at what I want but that rarely helps.
If you need to unload your baggage it should be unto a therapist. Friends aren't just there to make you feel better. I should know I lost my friends because of wanting too much from a budding relationship.
@@c.a.9903 It's not even about baggage. Just telling people how you honestly feel usually is enough to scare them away. You have to play it cool to keep the interest high.
Be careful in seeking out another clingy, easily-attached person. I made that mistake and it ended horribly. I thought it was a dream come true because I didn't have to worry about what they thought of me, but the moment they thought our relationship was threatened they impulsively made decisions that hurt me in ways I'm still recovering from almost half a year later. If you're looking for another clingy person, proceed with caution.
And, because of the reasons you explained, the "overboard" texts (which she seems to actually enjoy a lot) have become much more tame. Still moments of depth and detail, but with the big things out of the way and settled, there's no feeling a need to have to continue that. The communication has evolved. But we still have those big moments when they're right.
I’m with you man
“ healthy relationships” being people that hardly give a shit coming together by convenience that leave with indifference is bullshit.
Nah, I want someone who is as passionately devoted as me.
to be honest, as someone who has been ghosted multiple times, i don't really get what the big deal is. if someone stops talking to me, it's because they don't want to talk to me. maybe they've lost interest, maybe they have too much on their plate at the moment, it doesn't really matter what the reason is. if they want to talk to me, they will. and as a general rule, i only want to talk to people who want to talk to me. so it's mutually beneficial for me to just move on.
i mean yea, sometimes it sucks because i could totally see the relationship working out and i'd be interested to keep it going, but the fact of the matter is that they don't agree. that's not their opinion of the situation, and their opinion matters as well.
I used to do this and then stopped and things improved in myself and my relationships. People don't want to worry about you all the time, going with that into a relationship is overwhelming.
This is a really relevant topic thanks for the insight
Shut up, stop starting fires Ryan
👻👻👻
Temp
The very very most important thing Dr. K said in this beautifully informative video, is “people don’t know how to have a conversation” which is so true. When I feel a “friend” start to get anxious, and I get that feeling of being annoyed, I immediately take a minute, think about how I feel about this person, really, and then I let them know. If I no longer want to be friends, I’ll tell them. This opens up the space I was taking for an opportunity to fill that space with someone who is better suited to them, who can make them happy, and who will be happy with them. Learning how to understand your feelings, and then how to communicate them, bad or good, is the single most important thing you can do if you want to ever have a healthy relationship. In my experience.
that's BRILLIANT advice, I wish to add one very important, don't betray your friend or wathever spreading secrets you've told with care , gosssip people ends up super ghosted :/
20:10 But the issue is that the perfectionism in most cultures teaches us that if we become "perfect" and match certain standards of "success", attractiveness, etc everyone WILL want to be with us/we will be "compatible" with everyone one. That's the issue: we're brainwashed into believing that:
1. "perfection" in humans exists
2. It is universally attractive
3. If we are not universally attractive it is because we are not perfect i.e. are flawed
I think this is what throws men into a rage especially, because masculinity is about ACHIEVING success and having people fall all over you while femininity is about BEING this ideal object that the right person/people will love. It's easier as a woman/female to just internalize and say "oh, I'm just unworthy", but for men it can turn from 0 to violent real quick because there's this underlying, rarely recognized thing of "I did EVERYTHING right, I have all the right status markers, I did so much grinding in this game of life, so why don't you love me?"
For most men, it's never been about the other person loving you for THEIR own reasons, but the idea that they love you and should continue to love you because you've EARNED their love ("breadwinner" is also the "lovewinner" I guess).
It’s an extremely toxic message that if you do x, y, z you will “win the girl” as if she’s a prize and not a complete human being who deserves to make her own choices and opinions about you. But this goes for everyone! As a woman I’ve been on both sides and rejection hurts like hell (especially when you convinced yourself the other person was perfect for you) but ultimately they have every right to reject you. The *key* is to not take it personally (way easier said than done and I’m still working on that myself).
It was really important to hear something like that right now. None of my friends who I've shared a similar situation with understood me or gave a good advice. Thank you so much!
This was incredibly helpful and I definitely found this video at the perfect time in my life. I’m 37, and still struggle with this. I wish I could find a therapist that could actually help me with these things. But I’m doing what I can on my own by finding videos like this, reading, etc. so thank you!
His "dancing"-metaphor is an amazing example!
@@solarydays Could’ve been. Could’ve been that she freaked out because she doesn’t know what the guy is going through. Then the metaphor still makes sense since she’s doing her own dance while he’s, as Dr. K put it, ”is just convulsing on the dancefloor”.
@@solarydays We only know what happened from his perspective. I’m fairly sure Dr. K based his metaphor from the guys perspective as well.
@@solarydays Sounds personal. That's not how metaphors work.
@@solarydays How is it predatory? Maybe it comes across as that if you don't understand it, but my man just wants to be acknowledged. Very relatable, I think
@@solarydays Well, if you're in that situation of feeling adandoned, you probably wouldn't consider it, either. I've been there, and been overly clingy to the point of being potentially seen as creepy, so I get it, but both parties shouldn't rush to judgements. It sucks that people think of guys as creepy for merely wanting to be loved.
I came to a similar realization after I got ghosted last year. I didn’t like when people told me I did nothing wrong, like no tell me where I messed up so I can learn! People found it weird that I wanted to take responsibility over my part in the relationship
I read this book called "The Passion Trap" years ago. I suggest everyone should read this book at least once. It's a great read on relationship dynamics and has so many relatable situations we can all connect to.
whos the book by?
No
doesnt matter if you dont get any relationships lol
Yup, having an anxious attachment style sucks. It’s like everything is a set up- the kind of people you‘re attracted to, the accidental clingy behavior that pushes people away… it all just feels like a set up to reinforce your childhood wounding & internalized sense of rejection. It’s so freaking hard to transcend & it feels like it only gets harder the more you look for some kind of external validation… which is so hard not to do. Idk CBT, DBT & humanistic therapy is sort of helping but sometimes I even get anxious about whether or not my therapist likes me🤣
I don't see why it's only on us though. People treat us shitty because they think they can get away with it. I'm tired of it.
@@hgzmatt I don’t think it’s all on us. I just think we can only work on ourselves & we have no control over other people. And people who have treated me shitty tend to regret it down the road I’ve noticed. Life is their teacher, I don’t have to do shit to make them learn lol
@@Livfree33 I mean maybe there's some karma that makes us deserving of this whole mess.. I just wish it wasn't necessary. I suppose if we end up better people it was worth it.
It's worth being aware that she was probably out the moment she mentioned that she was getting busy. She was setting up a wall right then - Generally speaking I've never had someone say they're going to be busy without some sort of reason or timeline attached. Think Midterms, work trips, family stuff going on. If she was still engaged in the relationship she would have either A - Given a reason or B - given a timeline.
I'd also reflect on what happened up to several conversations ago.
Did she know your intentions to begin with? It's also possible she didn't and it became more clear through conversation and she just wasn't geared up for you.
True. I've had people who were busy replying in the middle of whatever they were busy with, because they were invested in the relationship. And I had the same person ghost me because they were simply not anymore.
Usually, if you sense a change in their behavior, there is something there. And you shouldn't break yourself trying figure out what it is, or try to chase the person. Just let it be. If the person was truly invested and caring, she/he would notice your clingy behaviour and ask what's going on. It would be just hey I'm busy right now. There would be a communicated reason for their absence.
This. This sort of happened to me recently. Granted, she did tell me she was going to be busy, but there were things she did and signs that gave me pause and a worrying feeling that she wasn't being totally honest. It usually starts with reduced interest or communication, then it descends into late or really delayed replies (or being left unread), and then totally ignoring the messages. It's sad because sometimes you don't know what you've done wrong and by the time you realize, it's too late.
She most likely didn't have "Emotional Intelligence" or any awareness of what "ghosting" actually does as a consequence. The moment she started ghosting him triggered him to be more responsive and to self blame then later when he got blocked he blamed himself even more due to past family problems and/or traumas.
Ghosting is a very serious issue. People who ghost have no idea how mentally destructive it can be to the person who is being ghosted. Ghosting destroys relationships. I think we should all spread awareness and to learn and teach everyone about what ghosting is and what is really causing.
From my experience, if someone is potentially ghosting you from your perspective you can only really make it worse by poking the bear. Your best option is to respect their call of "being busy" and suck it up, hoping for the best.
If they are trying to break contact then you're just putting the final nail in the coffin.
If they are actually busy they'll likely realize that you're being a team player and reestablish contact when the time is right for them.
Whatever the outcome will be, it's best for you to redirect your focus to the people who do want to talk to you, or work on yourself for the next person.
Yeah he's clingy but it's not ALL his fault she was definitely not into him
Omg thank you. This is meeeee. I have a disorganized attachment style, and I used to be fully avoidant of any feelings I had for other people, which left me all alone. Now I’m working on feeling my feelings, and I’ve fallen to the other extreme of feeling too much. I’ve fallen in love with a girl who works a lot and I’m trying hard to not be overly clingy and respect her boundaries, but it hurts because I want to be with her so badly. I need this advice.
@NimaA I detest the word "yikes" but I think it's applicable here
@NimaA lmao yousa funny dude let’s be besties
@NimaA hey bestie! Her generalization of men isn’t great and gotta be honest with you your generalization of women isn’t great either. We all have our individual preferences let’s just chill and vibe.
@NimaA I mean, for me personally I dated twinky music boys when I dated men. I’ve never been super into the idea of dating a loud muscular kinda guy. Then I got older and realized I was dating men out of convenience because they were attracted to me rather than actual wanting to be with them. That wasn’t fair and was wasting the time of the guys I was dating (and me), so I only date people I actually have feelings for and am attracted to, which is exclusively women. You can interpret that however you want but I know my life is infinitely better when I’m not chasing being heterosexual for no real reason.
@NimaA also my guy friends who would be considered “Chads” are just as miserable as the rest of us, believe it or not. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be to have muscles.
It is diplomatic to say the person on the other end of those messages is confused. Other realistic possibilities could be they feel frightened or repulsed because those messages may seem like the prelude to controlling or stalkerish behaviour.
Also, very sad to hear about the awful family life the OP had, and they seem to be on a path of self reflection. I hope things work out for them.
Yes! Exactly! I've been trying to find people saying this! Many people dont understand that when they let their anxious attachment get out of hand it can often be very frightening or very emotionally draining and a variety of other things.
@@WrathofFenrir99 it can be a hard rope to walk for sure. I guess that's when what Dr K was talking about comes in- you need to do some self work to develop and grow so that that burden of anxiety you put on the other person isn't too great for them to bear.
Communication is always good because then you both can operate with the full knowledge of the situation going forward. However, that doesn't mean the person will definitely stay to work through it with you- they also have their own life and it might be too much for them. However, all you can do is lay out your situation until someone comes along that accepts it, and in the meantime work on yourself to make that burden smaller.
It might take a while to find that person, but it's worth it for an honest relationship where you can support each other and not feel like you have to hide your anxiety from them
@@erionnetic1626 I think ultimately it doesn't really matter (to the poster, specifically), it ends up being the same outcome regardless of the particular reason why
I think it proper that the person just state that they do not wish to continue the relationship. That ends it there. If asked for a reason they can just say, "I am not enjoying it.". A person doesn't need to spend hours explaining their decision. But to just ghost someone is rude.
@@MasterMalrubius to explain this from a woman's perspective, sometimes they may ghost men because they have been made to feel uncomfortable or frightened. The experience, of many, many women is, that politely declining men like this usually results in a tirade of abuse. Creepy, toxic men do not take even the most polite rejection well, and it just makes them more scary and potentially in a small number of cases dangerous.
For me the best thing said here is the idea of responsibility - somehow it’s a lot less depressing to have fucked up by yourself than to have been relentlessly screwed over by someone
i’m pretty sure i’ve messed up at least two previous relationships being overly paranoid, maybe even clingy. it took me a long time to stop overthinking situations.
The anxious avoidant cycle is the emotional roller coaster from hell.
Man, feeling responsible for other people's feeling is such a huge problem for me. I always felt like people don't like me and I don't know why. My parents never reenforced this, but I always feel like I pushed friend groups away. This has affected my romantic life in a huge way as well.
Yeah man I feel that, year 6 I got fucked over by me “mates”, just recently my misso, she just left for another state and fucked off and it feels like its all my fault, certain thing’s I can’t take credit for, like my mates just being typical popular school kids and my misso not liking the city we were from, but its also the way I communicate and show love that set them off, I’m just tryna be me and some people end up not liking that sadly, someone I really cared about too, fuckin hurts man
It's funny, whenever I can tell that I've annoyed someone, or someone might dislike me, I will start being as quiet as a mouse around them. Won't speak unless I have to, won't joke until they joke with me, will pretend I don't see them in my vision, will even avoid them if it gets to that.
I always make sure that _I'm the one who left them first_ . Can't push me away if I push you away first, right?
Classic fear of intimacy/rejection. Honestly don't know how that formed in me.
I used to be the same way, took ages to actually fight against the urge to leave whenever I feel as if I've screwed up or I'm not good enough. I still have to fight against that a lot but it's easier now, I don't run away as much
@@idiomatic444 Can I ask how?
Like did you go to therapy? Or did you have a realization?
@@LennyTheHopeless just realized it wasn't healthy and put in a lot of effort to keep against it. Everyone's journey is different so I don't know how much it'd help you, but I just forced myself to fight against the urges and would ask sometimes if I seemed like I screwed up, usually it's in your head and the people who care about you will want you around
I do the same thing. Every. Time.
If you can make peace with the idea of being alone, it'll be easier to accept distance in your relationships.
If loneliness isn't so bad, the weapon your anxiety uses against you will be disarmed.
It's difficult, because we're social creatures. We need each other. That's part of why the abuse this guy went through is so cruel.
But if you can find peace in that solitude, maybe you can find peace in solidarity as well.
EXACTLY! When I realized that I'm fine alone, I was able to naturally create relationships. The moment you can just stop worrying about being lonely is the moment you can make good relationships
I appreciate this, much more nuanced than the people who just tell you that "you must live perfectly happily alone before dating", like no, humans are made to reproduce like any other species and accordingly we literally need a partner, I think it's perfectly normal that most people don't feel fulfilled if they're single.
Not that I'm the expert in this topic, but I'm guessing what's usually meant is just that if you're not happy alone, then a relationship won't magically fix you unless it comes with free therapy sessions or something
This stream has to be one of the most constructive one in quite awhile I think lot of people suffer from this
I ghost people all the time, it sucks. I read a text, think I'll reply to it later, then forget I ever got it. Then I notice it several days later, and I have no choice but to block the number, fake my own death, and start a new life as a ranch hand in Montana.
lol!
I think you should try and apologize and usually people will understand. Unless you do it all the time.
Or, you know, you could own up to the mistake and take some responsibility instead of making the other person feel like there is something wrong with them if it really wasn’t anything personal. I’d much rather get a “hey sorry I didn’t see this message” or “sorry I’ve been busy” response than just ghosted and made to feel like nobody loves me,
The Yellowstone is always hiring.
I feel that. Eventually I started apologizing but it really comes off like I'm a dickhead and just text people when I'm bored or something, they can't really know what's happening and my head and life, after all. I'd suggest trying to work on yourself before seeking any contact with other people, because w/o bettering myself I can't uphold any relationships at all, I always fucking forget.
just don't be surprised when you wake up one day to see that those people forgot about you too
I could relate to this during my university years. I be friended with a really good girl friend. We clicked the first time we met! The relationship went really well until she started to be busy with her club activities. I became nervous and start to assume things about her not being interesting in communicating with each other to the point we had argument on this that leads to us both being a stranger again. If only I came across this video years back, I would do anything to be friended with her again.
@@WrathofFenrir99 Agreed. She had her own pool of friends to talk to and probably had other guys talking to her.
@@WrathofFenrir99 You've been trolling in this channel's comments for month dude.
I'm often times skeptical of the qualifications for most therapists since from my personal experience they don't really tend to give me advice that's really any better than a good friend of mine would give me (in fact it can sometimes be worse advice), but I gotta say that Dr. K definitely disproves that perception of mine. This was a great video indeed.
Frankly Dr K, being on youtube, has a vested interest in his audience getting healthy because whether they do or not, theyll likely come back to improve. Therapist you paid directly have a vested interest in only improving you just enough to keep you functioning and coming back. Maybe not all are like this, but enough are. One could say that is the problem with capitalism, but it wouldnt be any better in any other system.
I actually heard the Chinese apparently do or did do at some point. you have a doctor and you pay them when you are healthy. Once you are no longer healthy, they stop getting paid until you are healthy again. Now i know it also can have issues, but at least it incentivizes getting you better.
Biggest problem is when you're trully alone, just like you said, all "potential" relationships become so much harder not to get atatched to. I think it's due time I look for a therapist.
Great video. When it comes to relationships, its taken me a long time to realise that their luggage is not my luggage, I have my own luggage to carry, and that you have to be open and honest about your luggage, and if it puts them off, it wasn't meant to be.
well said
Similar story for me. Diagnosed with ADHD, GAD and Depression last December right before turning 35. My mom was diagnosed within past few years too. She came from very abusive alcoholic WWII vet father home, liked to drink, and addicted to cocaine most my life. Didn't find that out until a few years ago, but she is totally sober for a few years now.
I lived with her, step dad and my 2 half brothers(2 and 6 years younger) both neighbors were my mom's older sisters and all their kids, and my whole family has a lot of issues due to their very abusive upbringing(grandfather burned house for insurance back on the day lol) but my house was next level guessing my mom's issues were the main cause. A lot of love don't get me wrong and we are all very close, but so much yelling and screaming with so much rage and negative emotions. So many mean evil outbursts from my mom. Being a kid and your mom screaming in rage/frustration that she didn't even know was due to her mental health, I now realize is very damaging. Her yelling at me "I hate you" "fat fuck" "you should go live with your father" etc. But yet so protective of her kids, always advocating for us, caving to our wants, typical mama bear. It's just that she had unknown mental illness, plus very traumatic childhood, and eventually drugs and alcohol for 30 years but still never missed a beat with the mom duties.
Both my brother's had their same dad in house, same last name me being only different one, both well over 6 ft naturally athletic, I'm 5'7 and was obese 95% of my life up until like a year ago. I was the class clown, always so much potential that I wasted. Never took anything including myself seriously. Took my natural sense of humor and witty quick thinking and being the funny, no path in life, skating by on my pleasant personality, and up until now my total ignorance to the fact most people though liked me or at least had no issues with me, didn't take me as serious as I always perceived.
I say all of that because it has to do with how I have done what the writer did. Most recently was like 10 years ago as I have been in a relationship for like 9. Before I started talking to my girlfriend, I was starting to get over this obsession I had with this other girl I had met at a job I had for a few months. She was out of my league at the time lol but she liked me a lot, for a short time. I look back and realized in the beginning I kind of felt cocky when she straight out told me and couldn't hide it anyway, how much she liked me. I look back and now remember just how much I tried to sound cool, and either made up stories or polished up the very few sex stories I had. How I thought talking about that to her would be ok, and even if she didn't like much, it's immature at 25 to talk like that to a person you like. And I think when she did start to pull away I of course got clingy. Signs were there way before but I was so inexperienced, immature, impulsive, craving love while hating myself, it was a recipe for disaster
With every mistake smart people became smarter
Understanding your mistakes makes you wiser ;-)
I wish you luck!
Damn bruh I did this for almost 3 years.I was so lost in my mind. Drove a lot of people away not just girls. I’ve made it this far and I feel Ive basically overcome this in my head before this video and came across it today. Helps reinforce my lessons. Love you first, be patient, things don’t happen over night. And when they are really leaving it’s okay, this is a part of life. Appreciate the time you got and keep taking the next moments and lessons you learned with you. It’s tuff but you’ll be tuffer after this. You got this!!! Also you got options don’t forget about the other 7 billion people on this planet 😉 never know who you will meet.
22:25 - I personally think in the opposite way about this, when I feel like I can't make friends then I become less attached since the people I interact with won't become my friends anyway
Thank you. Never in my life have I had the words for the emotions that I’ve had. I’ve had this happen countless times and the last one was heartbreaking. You have given me hope that although I won’t be able to turn back time I can better myself for the next relationship.
To the OP:
All humans can be very fickle and it is important to understand that people may not have the same level of investment initially, and also that they can change their investment in you due to circumstance or just general loss of intensity. "Getting busy" directly translates to loss of investment. People who really like each-other can and do make time for each-other despite being busy. This is something people will say to avoid upsetting you. People don't want to have to deal with your emotional needs in the early stages and are not going to tell you directly if they don't care as much as you do. It is important to read a person's actions and not the words. You must accept the truth of the fact that people can and will lose interest in you, frequently. It does not mean you cannot find a lasting, deep connection in the future. People just come and go from each other's lives. It is a natural part of human interaction. Please understand that this is not your fault, or something wrong with you. It is literally just human nature.
When someone displays obvious signs of losing interest, you must take a step back and give them the opportunity to demonstrate their true feelings. If they still have attachment to you, they will notice your back-step and come to you. If they don't, you will not hear from them. Instead of dealing with the anxiety, you have to resolve to move on right from the moment that communication starts to break down. You really have to learn to let it go as soon as it looks like you need to. If they do really like you, THEY wont let it go. Women seem to respond very well to that type of resolve, from my personal experience. Strong emotional need is overwhelming to another person. The way to stop yourself from feeling that severe emotional need is to build up the other aspects of your life. Get hobbies and build a career for yourself. Give yourself other things to focus on and increase your confidence level. The more emotionally independent you are, the more charisma you will have. People in general respond extremely well to another human who requires nothing emotionally from anyone else.
Well said. I needed to hear this too. Thanks.
best comment here.
This really is the best comment. If you've seen the responses to my comments above, you'll notice that when it's a woman in this position, the reason for the "loss of investment" is the woman's fault. The people responding are convinced that I was actively doing something wrong. I think it's hard for people to accept that even an attractive woman with her life together isn't immmune from what you've laid out above. Specifically, "emotional need is overwhelming to another person." I've had to step back and realize that I haven't always been emotionally independent, and no matter how fit or feminine I am, this is a serious impediment to dating success. The sad part is I would expend so much mental energy trying to pinpoint the exact moment when the loss of investment began and what I could have done to prevent it. I would blame myself for it happening and fixate on potential clues that would lead me to an answer.
Now granted, I would not want to be with somone who loses interest in me because I have an anxious attachment style. There are far worse problems someone can have (addiction, deceitful behavior, financially irresponsible, etc.) So I've never felt like I missed my chance with anyone who's ever lost interest. People will tolerate a lot for someone they care about. But I've had to actively work on not getting too attached too early on. Instead, I've just started focusing on the things I can control and living my life in full.
something's missing here I feel. you've hit the nail on the head with everything you've stated but I feel like there might be slight oversights. sometimes relationships romantic or not are a two way thing. if you're a person who's not particularly sociable/outgoing, you're going to have to work harder if you want to keep those independent ongoing relationships flowing and going. i think there might be too much reliance on the idea that they Will come to you if they truly want to. sometimes they do, but just dont. it happens. probably plays into that whole "people make time for each other" thing. sometimes people are just waiting on the other person to give the all-clear, and the other person is too or is not on the same page, and so things die off because of that. really I think being open about where you want things to go, is what we should do.
yeah man. i feel like i should focus on myself
This video has helped formulate my thoughts on this matter way better than I have been able to in my own head. I was hopelessly in love with someone in a very tough situation and ended up pushing her away by being obsessive and clingy in this exact way because I felt her distance herself from me. It terrified me, and even though I knew that my behaviour was toxic both to her and myself, I kept falling back into it over and over to the point where she has gone from loving me and being one of my closest friends to keeping me at arms length. I did ease up on my pushiness since a few months back, but I could never properly formulate the root cause and define exactly how I could better myself. I had some ideas, but this video has helped me structure them better.
I think I need to be more relaxed about relationships and try to internalize that people do actually care and aren't trying to get rid of me, and that even if they are to just let them go. It shouldn't be up to me to "keep" my friends, remind people why they like me or that I exist. The most I should do is try to be the best person I can be and stay as open and emotionally available as I can depending on the situation. Constantly doubting the authenticity of relationships and trying desperately to keep them going artificially is not a recipe for a good social life. Relationships are 50/50, and giving more than you're receiving is inherently a raw deal, and shouldn't be a part of a healthy relationship. If only I could've seen that earlier.
I'm mostly leaving this here for myself as a reminder/snapshot of my thoughts at this moment, but If you've read this far I hope you've gained some sort of insight from it -- whatever it may be. Also I know this is a long message but please don't ghost me.
Thanks for this comment, helped me gain some insight :)
This hit hard :(
These videos are helping me understand myself. This dude is really helping thousands, millions of people with themselves, me included. I am so grateful for his service to the internet as a whole
Dr. K always breaks things down so well. From the Personal Development School, I learned to identify my needs. And essentially, all these things that you are processing and taking a step back from, example:
Don't forget I exist. Love me. Validate me. Show me affection. Prioritize me. I matter....
Give those to yourself first, take a step back, breathe. Then when you're less reactive, ask for those needs to be met, see if you can compromise. If they're unwilling, be realistic about what you're asking. If they still can't, then consider if this is even the right person to have in your life!
You make an obscene amount of sense wtffff thank you god bless you
As a woman who has ghosted guys like this, it's not just confusion. It's also, "hey, i have a job and other obligations and i can't get through anything without a dozen texts from you. I can't be your therapist and i can't be your mother. That's not the agreement. I'm here to be your partner. We take care of each other. I'm not here to only emotionally take care of you while my needs fall by the wayside. "Oh, you want a quiet night to game and listen to music to relax after a hard day? Tough shit. Take care of me. Pay attention to me. You only texted me 10 times and I've texted you all day. Pay attention to me. Pay attention to me. Pay-"
And often, anything less than praise elicits a blow up and finger pointing about being cruel or whatever. It's drama if a picture is "nice" and not "the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Step on me, king"
So ghosted. Ya get ghosted.
Edit: oh my god the amount of responses lol. That's really cool. I'm glad that what i said resonated (or pissed off) so many people.
Okay, i keep getting this response by angry and entitled boys, so here is the deal. I'm going to answer the response i keep getting here.
"Omg don't tell him what's wrong like an adult! Just ghost him! You're so immature. How would you like it if a guy ghosted you?!"
This situation of mass texting and expecting me to be fuckable mommy has happened multiple times from multiple dudes. I always try to tell these dudes to knock it the fuck off in the nicest way i can, and maybe that's the problem because it is NEVER listened to. These types of guys do not listen. One of them literally threatened suicide when finally I told him that because he wouldn't stop spamming me at work, i didn't want to date him anymore. I agreed to stay friends so he wouldn't kill himself and despite my repeated pleading to stop spamming me with texts and sometimes calls while i was at work, and my dumping him because of it, he kept spamming me. Over and over.
And you know what? I bet that to this day, he's running around telling anyone who will listen about how women ghost him for no reason. Idk what to tell you guys. I have a feeling a lot of you are asked to stop the behavior getting you ghosted and you just don't and then are shocked when she blocks you. Idk what to say besides maybe go to therapy and try to start thinking about how you would act if one of your dude friends was doing this to you.
Oh i also date women and despite the amount of break ups, (most cordial with amazing women I'm still friends with,) I've never had a problem with women ghosting me, soooooo.... Yeah, the problem definitely isn't the one commonality between relationships. It's every single woman lmao
Waman*
Bro what, as a partner you do need to help eachother emotionally , if you aren’t what is the point of ur relationship
@@micaelz5477 op said she wasnt there to ONLY emotionally take care of a partner, she has other things to do, she also has needs to be taken care of as well. That includes giving her space and not be expecting her to be texting all day (because this is draining, if you have someone constantly demanding your attention and getting upset if you don't answer with enough compliments to a picture they sent... yeah no that aint it)
@@micaelz5477 you said what I said right there. You're there to help EACHOTHER. Not be the sole carrier of one person's emotional baggage while they carry none of yours. It is not the woman's job to drop everything and be emotional support 24 hours a day while the woman's emotional needs are irrelevant and their obligations are secondary to the boyfriend's constant needs. I specifically said i wanted a PARTNER. As in we support eachother. A partnership. I do not want a child.
Btw, I'm sure you wouldn't let a friend or girlfriend get away with that.
If your friend/girlfriend texted you at work and texted "hey, i can't talk, I'm working. I'll call you when I get off" and they said "okay," but then called and texted and texted and texted and demanded answers and accused you of shit and called and texted and texted and texted and this kind of stuff happened constantly, are you at your parents place for your sister's birthday? You only need to be away a couple hours? And that friend/girlfriend texted and texted and texted and called and texted. Your uncle's funeral. Calls and texts and texts and calls and texts.
I doubt you would tolerate it. I've had many guys i just started dating do this stuff. That's not a partnership. It's a hostage situation.
@@cheapskate9487 ..... Am i missing a joke? Lol are you accusing me of being a man? I don't understand.
I used to do this for a while. OP totally explains it well, the train of thought where you think you shouldn't message again but work yourself into doing it anyway. It actually almost happened to a really good friend of mine who had been going through some tough stuff, but we took a break from each other and we're really good friends now, since my anxiety of her disappearing isn't bothering me.
Man, this really shows how important a loving and caring family is for us humans.... Much love to OP ❤️
Healthy relationship is when both of you aren't afraid to open up and if one of you walks away it's probably the best but it's just superficial anyway because in relationship there's gonna be a person whose into someone more than the other person it may changes overtime but it's just what it is.
Seriously never stop what you're doing, this channel has been incredibly helpful to me and people I know. You're a bloody Saint mate 💙
In my experience as someone who has had to ghost, when you notice that something is changing and she's starting to get colder with you, that's not the start of something, that's already a clear indicator of the end. It's already too late, and what you aimed for may very well have been the wrong kind of relationship from the very start.
It is very possible that the person he was texting didn't want anything more than a simple friendship, no strings attached, or that maybe she just wanted to take it much, much slower than he did, and that as soon as she noticed his desire to move forward in a romantic sense showing much sooner than she was comfortable with, she just bailed out.
This is a scary world for women, and even though you are not the one singularly at fault for it, that makes it so that as soon as any behavior even vaguely threatening arises, she will decide to just leave; often, we do so gradually hoping that the guy will also slowly lose interest instead of getting immediately angry and therefore become more of a threat to us.
This doesn't have to be taken necessarily personally, but you *can* personally change some behaviors in a way that will make you look less "scary".
When you really like someone, it's easy to go from 0 to 100 very fast, even if you yourself don't notice. But you gotta understand that people on the other side are not in your head and they very rarely follow your exact same pace, especially if you've known each other for a relatively short time.
Dr K are you following me? It's like a tv show where every episode has a lesson relevant to the current situation
I can assure you that’s not the case because I’m the one being followed
@@electricalbatross5797 no ME!!!!
It's a little show called _Life_
Syncronicity / God
I feel like when people talk about ghosting as something that isn't acceptable the point - usually - isn't so much that they feel like someone owes them a relationship as it is that it should be common courtesy to communicate your reasons for walking out on someone once you've gotten to know each other to a reasonable extent. There are exceptions to this, of course, but most times people just make excuses for being needlessly cowardly and lazy.
As someone who has been ghosted and done ghosting, it’s unfortunately that they/I verbalized why and I/the other party couldn’t comprehend, compromise, or recover from what was said
Online you aren't a real person therefore people don't owe anything to someone who doesn't even exist...
Simetimes its not your fault you got ghosted on. Ive ghosted one girl that just said "hey". I was anxious and thought she was trolling/wrote to me as a mistake (she was a class mate and didnt really know her). I was basically such a looser (and I was bullied) that I thought no girl will talk to me even for homework or anything stupid like that. I was and still am texting noone so that also felt strange. It wasnt her fault that I ghosted her, she was nicest and most chill person in the class and probably just wanted some homework.
I like your comment, it shows that people don’t always ignore others out of malice or boredom, it could be due to something internal. I feel I come across as cold or bitter sometimes if I feel anxious and say little to some people
That’s not really ghosting though. You just didn’t respond. Ghosting requires an initial interaction and at least a surface relationship.
@@ivyrose779 look at the guy over your comment. It could not be "ghosting", but it definitevly looked like ghosting and felt like it from the other side.
@@lr44x13 Hope you're doing better now :) Don't be afraid next time when someone you've never interacted to suddenly talks to you, who knows they might be your new best friend.
@@johnbonjov1491 I mean yea I am way smarter than 6 years ago. But I'm still nervous when talking to people I barely know. My speaking disorder doesn't help either.
Thank you for the information!
It hurts to know that some possible friends or relations have faded away cause of this. But atlest now I know what to do, starting from now!
I really love this differentiation between blame and responsibility!!!! I've never seen it before and I wish it was more common, it would help so much with change and healing instead of just finding reasons to spiral.
I'm shocked at the ammount of value this video has. I think everyone should learn about mental health and how to manage emotions, and your channel is perfect for that
This is why i told my girl when we first met if she ever needs time to herself, is spending time with her kids, or just doesnt feel like talking, then to just let me know. I said im not gonna get upset or angry but I just don't want to cause her unnecessary stress by mistake and that's it that's all it took. A relationship especially a new one succeds largely due to communication and honesty.
I really need you to know that you just brought me back from edge of a delusional cliff that I’ve jumped off many times with situationships. And you explained every question I had about these attachment issues in detail
Thank you sir, for your explanation, reasoning, and emotional support.
I had a friend that i really admired bc he was smart and cute with me, but he made my anxiety grow so much that i used to get scared whenever i saw his messages, he was the type of guy of this video. I'm a diagnosed anxious person and i fear attachment, so he scared me a lot being so intense and giving sublime signs that he was angry whenever i answered him late. nowadays i feel better with myself, so what happened doesnt really bother me so much anymore.
I love how he's talking about being on a different wavelength. Meanwhile as someone with autism I'm always on a different wavelength. I've got some professional help, but often it feels like even a friend I can trust will be too much of a stretch. Maybe it'll change someday, maybe I'll just decide to be done with it. Like what's the point of life of you're always gonna be on your own?
Plenty of point in life being on your own, even though company is nice.
You are not your relationships. You are more than that. Find something that genuinely interests you and pursue that with all you've got.
Chances are you'll eventually find your way into a community revolving around that thing you love and with whom you can at least share the passion about the thing without them necessarily being a "friend".
If not, at least you've done the thing and can be proud of that regardless of any social outcomes.
@@kristianjensen5877 I get what you mean, but to me it's really hard to not have anyone to share my feelings and emotions with. Like because of my autism is hard anyway, but having to always bottle it up, because we either don't have that kind of relationship or they just don't want to understand(my parents), is killing.
I know of some people who are completely fine on their own, but for me it just doesn't work. I don't know it makes you feel incredibly disconnected from the world and causes even more anxiety than I already have thanks to having autism. Like at this point even asking an employee where something is in a store is a massive hurdle for me. It didn't use to be this bad when I was still in highschool, but the last few years it's only been getting worse.
Like a lot of people here I'm a gamer and I've tried getting into some communities, I'm a massive Forza nerd for example, but I'm always scared to say something wrong and when people aren't very implicit i won't get it. In the end making me just keep my mouth shut, cause at least i won't offend anyone then.
“whats the point of life if you’re always alone?”
the point remains whatever it was before, only with fewer obstacles.
that doesn’t mean give up on socializing though, but i guess you need to probably get some more of Dr Ks advice rather than mine.
just so you know there is a difference between feeling lonely and truly being alone. true aloneness is freeing, but loneliness itself is a shackle, it’s suffering
The mental health counseling that so many people deserve. Normally you'd have to pay 100's of dollars week after week just to hear this stuff. That's why nobody goes to counseling, it's too damn expensive. Keep putting free knowledge into the world and you'll slowly start to see it improve.
This helps a lot. I feel like I got anxious for this reason but instead of getting clingy and texting too much, rather I jumped the gun and asked her out too soon. Next time I will give myself more time to think about it and talk to friends for advice.
Below, are my personal standards on how I can keep a relationship going. I try my best to keep them.
* Trust her
* Support her
* Be happy for her
* Don’t smother her
* Don’t go too deep with your thoughts of the future
* Don’t be insecure
* When you feel insecure or mad don’t text- take a break, do something physical then look at your feelings
* Don’t question when she is around boys
* Be positive
* Find fun things to do
* Laugh
* Smile
* Give complements
* Encourage
* Be happy for their accomplishments
* Be confident in yourself (because your great! )
* Love yourself
* Pursue your own interests
* Be your own person
* Don’t be Needy
18:50 Yes, this is hard, because if you're really shy, introverted and anxious, chances like this maybe come along one every few years (not even exaggerating), so letting go means continuing to be lonely for the next 5 years or so.
"letting go" is a concept that extends far past this kind of thing. If you are still shy and anxious you haven't actually let go yet. That letting go is far more important and is what you should be focusing on.
@@ForeverMasterless highly disagree that if you are still shy and anxious you haven't let go? Where did you get that idea?
I agree it's important to move forward but that's about it.
@@adambaker6794 I think you gotta question what it is to be shy and what it is to be anxious. Both are cases where the person doesn't let go of their fears and preconceived notions.
@@NightfurWoW as if it's just that simple is what I'm not agreeing with.
Yeah just let go of your fears no worries.
@@adambaker6794 its not easy, but its a necessary hurdle you have to overcome if you want to progress!
It's funny. Watching this channel, watching unrelated topics, i've done a lot of instrospection and somehow got to the root of my depression. I think i can't thank you enough for this...
You're saving my life with videos like this, doc.
Thanks a bunch.
This was an amazing tpic and I am glad that this person had the courage to speak up and share their anxiety. I genuinely hope this video helped them 🙏🏽 Honestly, I didn't quite understand my own anxious behavior in romantic situations in the past and this has clarified soooo much for me. Thank you Dr. K for this amazing breakdown and advice! 🤗
The poster describes my tendencies to a tee.
This is one of the most important vids I've ever watched. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for going through this Dr. K.
OMG I finally understand why my ex was so clingy and why it pressured on me. And why it felt like it was all about his feelings. I was super confused for a while, because I do know he was gentle person, but when we were together it was just pressure. I hope he's on a better way now. Thanks for explaining this, Dr. K. It helps people on the other side as well.
This hit me pretty hard, and I needed to hear it. Thank you both, Reddit OP and Dr K
i feel like he's describing all my online friends ive ever had, i used to get blocked a lot.
Why
I have never been able to ghost someone as I felt too guilty to leave someone hanging. I have always been honest whenever I felt a connection wasn’t something that fit what I was looking for. I don’t think this approach is better but it’s what felt right to me and what I believe in. I used to hate being ghosted and often let the anxiety get the best of me. I learned over time that I don’t need to know why someone made their decision to leave. My therapist taught me 2 things that helped me. “The reason they ghosted you Is not about you” and “you can’t expect to find yourself in others”. Great content, I’m proud of my progress as I watched this video and already knew everything that you explained. 🎉
Compassion for yourself is important 🌸