Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me. My ex cheated on me for three months with a woman who turned him down years earlier. At the same time he was cheating he was talking to me about getting engaged, where we would get married, etc. When I discovered the affair I confronted him and the other person. I gave him a second chance on the basis that neither party would ever communicate with the other again. Both agreed. A year later I found out they were still in contact with one another, so I ended the relationship immediately. Ironically they are not together now. It's one thing to give someone a second chance, but don't ever allow them a third chance to take advantage of you. Life is short. Walk away.
@@danielkelvin1036 if you believe someone is unfaithful, not just once, but a constant thought, you should end it. If you want to hack your partners accounts, etc - You have a problem. The fact is, if they are cheating- you were paranoid the whole time even with proof. If they weren't, you were paranoid the whole time and distrustful. If one's reactioning is to hack and scam, then you shouldn't be with them, or anyone, because of mistrust ( founded or not). Not to say if there is cheating someone should stay. That is your choice. If you feel like you can't, then don't. This woman, esther, is talking about people who want to stay together despite an infidelity. I've had someone cheat, and I moved on. I was able to deal. Many can not. This is ok.
@Gibson Trevor Oh I am sorry that happened. It hurts. I have always been cheated on. I have never cheated on someone. I was even tempted by another man but I said I will not do it. It is my integrity. later I find out that my boyfriend doesn't even love me. He just wants a body. Ugh it hurts. this after I forgave him for a cheating on me in 2014 and I quickly dumped him. Shame on me I guess but dam it hurts because I was willing to open my heart again. Next time I will open my heart to another but not this guy. Good luck on your healing process and open your heart again. There are to many people in this world. Love, Light, and healing to you.
Beatrice, I feel your pain, been there. When meeting new people I encourage to show their true colors and do not expect them to change. Either it's a fit or not or just a short term relationship.
It is the responsibility of the betrayed partner to dump that cheater as fast as possible. NEVER be second best, run and never look back. Affairs can never be forgiven because the trust can never be restored. The affair will be always in the betrayed partner's mind, they may deny it but it's deep in there. Even years later it's back there in the mind.
My ex cheated on me. Being cheated on, betrayed, is the most painful thing one should endure in his/her life... Now i have chosen to move on and recover myself. We can do this guys ❤️
*You should forgive a cheater and move on remembering the good times (regardless of length of relationship). You should never confront a cheater showing anger, frustration and upset because it’s meaningless; It’s only an ego stroke for them. Cheaters don’t care what you think, how you feel or how it affects you, that’s why they don’t consult with you before starting something with someone else. Cheaters pretend remorseful when their caught, some will provide an Oscar worthy performance. Ending a relationship with a cheater is the most unselfish thing you could ever do for someone else. It allows them to opportunity to have a clear conscience, get with others guilt free without all the misleading and sneaking around. Forgiveness does not mean you have to stay. It’s important to understand this in order to move on.*
I love Ester, however there is one obvious issue here- She says the people she sees in her office are not repeat cheaters, and I believe her. However repeat cheaters tend not to seek therapy. Typically those with a narcissistic orientation tend not to seek therapy. Cheaters who aren't working on themselves or relationships may well repeat and may be more likely to do so.
That’s completely true what you said and I can confirm this ,my ex being doing this I guess to her ex boyfriend on vacataion travel and now me ...she even travel to the other side of the world to cheat..that’s really is a classy cheater
I believe if a person who was cheating thinking they have the right to cheat because they make themselves good reasons why they should continue cheating. I had a guy at work who said my wife is useless she sick so that's the reason why I cheating to satisfy my own needs. It was interesting why he thought that way he just made a excuse because she was working full-time job taking care of the kids cooking cleaning and taking care of his and her parents but he still was calling her useless but she was actually over working herself and she was too blind to see that he should help her doing some of those things but he did not care if she was working a lot he wanted her to work even more so he will have free time to cheating on her and still putting her down and argue with her later on like she is useless because she was not satisfying his sexual need which she could not satisfy because she could not be a different woman every night for him to make it more fun, existing and interesting for him.
If a person can't communicate he/she is unhappy in a relationship, then they will continue that pattern of stuckness till self realization , we can't make other people realize their errors etc, so once a cheater always a cheater can be true if the person does not realize their behaviour. Also ppl do make mistakes etc but would you want to hurt someone you love by infidelity? It only means you love yourself more that you decided to get your needs met without considering discussion with your partner . Such ppl shouldn't be in relationships because relationships need work , love ,patience etc .you should just love your mirror reflection
This is SO good and a perspective that is rarely ever highlighted in our society. As someone who has been through cheating with their spouse, I can’t express how complex the situation truly is. It’s not as black and white as “the minute they cheat, I’m gone”. All thing have to be weighed and considered and a beautiful fruit can be born from forgiveness and change. Thank you Esther for offering a perspective that’s essentially unheard of in our current society. It’s helped to breathe life into my life. I hope this comment and video helps someone else who’s gone through this as well.
“As someone who has been through cheating with their spouse”: It’s interesting how you minimize responsibility for the cheater’s actions by presenting it as something that just happened to you both.
It took 5 years for my marriage to end. 5 long years. Why were the years so long? Something started to happen that I never saw coming. He was controlling, verbally abusive and then…physically abusive. I came home one day and he was messing with the cat. I tried to stop him and he grabbed me by the throat and threw me across the room. He then threw the cat against the wall and broke her leg. She went to live with my parents after that. I could've told my parents but I didn't. I don't know why. After that it continued. I was punched, clawed, was constantly being yelled at about how I was fat, stupid, I didn't have a real job (I was a teacher) and so on. He told me that if it were legal he'd kill me. That was it. I kept saying that I wanted to get a divorce. He said he'd take our son if I did. But one day he said “fine, if you want a divorce then get a divorce.” I did, he tried to get back with me but I showed him the door after one night together. That's the reason I got a divorce. Thankfully it “only” lasted 5 years. No spouse should EVER have to go through that!! Additionally, If you're considering hiring a private investigator for proof of infidelity in a divorce case, Barry Investigations could be the right choice. By contacting them at Barryinvestigation@gmail. com, you can work with experienced professionals to uncover the truth. Make sure to discuss your legal rights and responsibilities, establish clear boundaries, and follow the investigator's guidelines to ensure a successful and discreet investigation.
Generally, you should not expect a person to change. People tend to not change, and previous behavior is the best predictor for future behavior. Something about that person made it so that they chose to cheat. It is a reflection of who they are on some level, whether that be a communication problem, a commitment problem, an impulse problem, etc. Never stay with someone on the basis that they will change. Also, let me add, cheating is a succession of many choices in a row. It wasn't one mistake. It was the mistake of flirting, of continuing to flirt, of continuous suggestive contact, and choice of a sexual touch, which then led to the choice of a kiss, and then further choices which led to sex. These are all in themselves unfaithful choices. Imagine the amount of individual references of behavior this cheater has made. The amount of stand-alone choices. This shows some fundamental issue with the person. And once again, do you want to base the continuation of a relationship on them changing, or on you being able to change them?
Solar you explained it perfectly! It's a multitude of decisions being made and that why it is so bad. To call cheating an accident is completely dismissive and downplaying what they did. That is also why I believe it is inherently an action of disrespect.
Studies show that once a cheater the probability of doing the same is 3 times more probable...and the sample of therapy clients is skewed already. Those who don't regret won't go there...
In my own family I have seen an example of someone who cheated once and regretted it, and never cheated again in 40 years. I am sure many people are serial cheaters but sometimes it doesn't hurt to try if the cheating person puts in the work and it doesn't happen repeatedly.
When you say someone was a good husband, son, brother......but cheated once. The problem with that statement is that when he cheated, it involved many bad behaviors like lying, sneaking, phone calls, excuses, planned dishonesty, using marital money.......so it is hard to say those amoral behaviors are ok.
Well for me it was some back and forth texting that was flirty and went on for like an hour-ish at most but then I felt really shitty about it... then came clean... then got dumped. I want nothing more than to improve as a person now so that this never happens again, I just wish I had thought things through before I decided that a little momentary flirting would ever be worth losing out on the best relationship in my life. I don’t even know if I necessarily want her to give me a second chance. I know how hard it would be for her. But it does suck.
@@blueseptember2174 because people are also individuals outside of their relationships and sometimes cheating has nothing to do with the relationship but has to do more with the individual and things they are going through and needing but don’t realize or express in a healthy way. It’s a destructive decision certainly but it’s also human, and no one is above being in a place where we make poor and harmful choices.
@@jaylynortiz9304 I think for some people maybe. My mind can't comprehend it because it seems so illogical. In my mind you don't mess with a good thing. Why self sabotage in an already hard world?
@@blueseptember2174 The act of cheating is illogical in a sense but it can be understood not always through reason and rationale but through empathy and understanding the psychological factors. There’s different circumstances and influences that can lead people to land into these decisions knowingly or unknowingly. It can not be understood one way universally or objectively. I’ve cheated in a relationship where I was abused and controlled and it was my way of putting a nail in the coffin because every time I tried to leave he wouldn’t allow it. It was also the first time I felt desired. That partner groomed me since 14 years old and wasn’t genuinely interested in me. On the other hand I was just cheated on with my current relationship and this was hard to process because we had a happy relationship in which we loved and respected one another. The issue here was a break down in our relationship in where my partner was feeling neglected and became frustrated trying to communicate that yet seeing no change and when attention from someone else happened to come along the mind began to justify to him why he could do that and why it was deserved. He found out that it was not worth it or what he wanted. He felt regret and remorse. When I cheated on my ex I didn’t feel much remorse, I felt bad about doing something deemed as wrong and for seeing that it was hurtful to him, but looking back I don’t regret it. My boyfriend now however regrets that this is a scar on our relationship that we are choosing to heal and move forward together but because we do love each other and see this is still a relationship we want, the poor decisions he made were mistakes that have huge consequences that will take time to heal and rebuild. It was a wake up call for the both of us. Of course I wish it never happened, and so does he but nonetheless it has and I had a choice to make as did he on what to do in the aftermath of such a devastating discovery. I totally would be justified in walking away from this relationship, and it’s not for everyone to chose to forgive and stay with a partner who cheated because it’s so personal and depends on what you can handle and feels safe, and then it depends on after examining all of the facts of you still somehow find goodness in your partner or in the relationship that you want to restore and transform or if that’s actually just distorted everything for you and you no longer find that you want to continue. Everyone has to make that choice themselves and there’s mo way of knowing how you will feel or react until you are in that position.
The trust bond is shattered. I tried to forgive but couldnt forget & it became all consuming 24/7 picturing the two of them together. It took YEARS for that image to fade away. The pain was non stop for a very long time. I won't go through that ever again. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life.
Steffi A No. I am older. This happened 30 years ago. We dated for 2 years. I was feeling very good about our relationship when he abruptly ended it with no explanation. I suspected something happened with a new, younger coworker but couldn't prove it. He vehemently denied everything. I was crushed. Two months later, he reappeared begging to get back together. In the next few weeks, I found out everything from the woman. The mental & physical anguish was the worst imaginable pain I have ever gone through in my life. We went our separate ways & he died about 4 years later. It still took me years to get to a somewhat better place. Since then, I have learned to walk away from anyone who shows the first sign of acting inappropiately on any level. I have zero tolerance for bs. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
G R Thank you so much for sharing that with me and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I myself have had my fair share with cheaters and I'm glad I never let myself get too involved and saw what they were before letting myself get too invested. It hurt a lot though, been almost a month and I'm not over it yet but I'm healing. Yes you are right, we shouldn't give damns about people who do not respect us in the first place, they do not deserve it. Stay strong! 💪
Steffi A Thank you for your kind words. And I'm sorry to hear what you are going through right now. I learned the hard way not give more than your partner does. Make sure they keep investing in you. Just like a tennis match, both have to involved. Anything less = not enough interest on their part = time to move on. Better to be happily alone with your dog or cat than with being with someone playing with your heart & mind. All my best to you. You stay strong, too!💪💪💪《hugs》
Cheated alot as a young teenager like 3-4 times. At 19 I've definitely matured enough. I stopped doing drugs and went to therapy so i can work on myself. Apologized to those I hurt and I'm currently in a healthy relationship. People can change it just takes work and accountability.
Esther is just so deep, nuanced, and "on it"! A breath of fresh air in our puritanical black and white American way of looking at things and looking for easy categories when life often isn't like that.
"That defines them as people who chose a rather lousy way to communicate certain things that they need a better language to communicate." So important. That opens the possibility of growth and healing for a couple. Destroying relationships because people don't know how to deal with what is happening in a truly mature way just perpetuates hurt and pain. Dealing with hurt and pain in a way that leads to growth and greater closeness is rare but worth it.
I was married for over 40yrs and in the end he cheated. With a nurse from work last Christmas I didn't think he was the type too cheat But it just goes too show you never realy know what a person is going too do. if anyone wants too cheat they will. We are going through a divorce now. I feel for all woman and men who are going through this terrible trauma. I will forgive but never forget.
@@sandraaffun7622 it all depends on how remorseful the cheater was. If it was multiple times etc etc. You'll be way more sad if he does it again and you spend 17 more years with him.
I totally agree with Esther, I believe "Once a cheater, always a cheater" applies to narcissists only. Those guys don't seek therapy because in their minds "there is nothing wrong with them". The guys who cheats and seeks therapy to fix himself is not the narcissistic type.
You do know women cheat at a rate of 70-80% and men cheat at 37%. Women also divorce at 80% rate compared to men . Men cheat because of options with no desire to lose his wife. Women are actively looking for a back up plan and cheat to leave.
usually it’s the narcissistic and manipulative cheater who’s proud of their actions and confident in their abilities to get you to overlook that about them...
Most times the partner whose been cheated on will not be able to trust the partner who cheated ever again and so there is no point in continuing with the relationship. The cuckolded partner experiences extreme pain and rejection and that is not something that is easy to repair added to the constant stress of the daily distrust.
@@wanjiruwoman6503 once trust is damaged often the partner who was cheated on will never be able to trust you again, there is nothing you can do to really make it up, how do you take away emotional pain, betrayal, disgust etc. Your relationship has been changed by your betrayal and it will never be the same again! 🙄
@@wanjiruwoman6503 sorry.you can and should try(f for nothing else than just for his self worth because i can guaranty you he doesn't feel like a man)but be prepared for the end of it.all you can do is be there for him,apologize to him a lot and specific apologies not that generic crap and try to make him feel like most desirable male on earth.it is difficult but if you do love him you'll try.just don't do more damage because you have no idea how devastating this can be for the future relationships he might be in..
Cheating is a symptom of pure selfishness - a soul sickness, mental sickness, sometimes an addiction that's impossible to break without some type of help - "moral psychology" if you will - almost never remedied by the unaided will alone...
Ms Perel.. you are a better person than I am. If you lie to me and live a double life in my presence, I am out. My own self esteem will not allow me to be disrespected in such a way. If the spouse is dissatisfied, then end it and go away.
I'd like to respond to your comment... I believe that we can forgive and move on. We are capable. But just because we can forgive does not mean that it is ok to proceed in that direction and keep the relationship together. If you are a strong enough person, you can walk away from the individual who cheated and the relationship to demonstrate a point... to demonstrate your values and your principles. To demonstrate that you require appreciation and respect. Sometimes, maybe even many times the individual who cheated needs to be taught a lesson that he or she will never forget. It doesn't matter if he or she repents after you have departed the relationship, its about sending a message. Sending a message doesn't mean we're not capable of love or not capable of forgiveness or reconciliation. You are showing that other person and the people around you that you know your worth and you are publicly putting that worth on display for people to witness. I dated a woman who cheated on me. She didn't need to confess, i just knew. And i walked away from her. It hurt me to walk away because i really wanted to be with her, but i needed to send a message that i am to be respected and appreciated. I know what is best for me. I have no problem starting over. And i have no problem being single for a while until i meet someone else. Its ok to move on...we get over it and we mature even more. Dont do what Esther Perel would do. Do what you think is best for your life.
Very few people will never cheat again within the same relatonship. I am sure it is possible, but really rare . I feel like I would rather separate from them myself. I can just imagine always wondering if they are thinking about it, missing it etc. Not to mention, walking on eggshells trying to keep them happy so they do not want to make that choice again .
The No. 1 reason we cheat is because we become selfish. We think only of ourselves. The adrenaline of meeting in secrecy. The excitement of doing new things with someone new. The rush of getting caught, the fact that what the other doesn't know will not hurt them. It's not until one day we put ourselves in the other's place. Then, we start seeing the betrayal of loyalty to one. The pain of disillusion from the love once given. The lies that question every "I love you". No one deserves to be cheated on. Be responsible, be mature. If you are not truly happy or comfortable in your relationship, than leave. You are not leaving the other alone. You are freeing the other from finding what we all want. True happiness. I saw the pain in my wife and my children. The people on this earth I vowed to love and protect. I've seen them upset many times before. But that day I saw the great pain in them. Great pain only comes from great love. Is that not what we are all after? Final note to questioning being together. If BOTH couples TRULY except to WANT to make it work, than yes. Guaranteed. If you both tried and failed. One lied to the other.
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I agree, it is selfishness to cheat. And it will always come out, one way or another. The other person will sense something and the relationship will change. Why can't people be honest?
you shouldn't. she is saying it because her whole profession depends on this. she will be out of job if cheaters didn't come to her for reconciliation. there is no point living with cheater and wasting more of your time
She mentioned that cheating is a poor way of communicating. So true. I have three family members who had husbands who were poor communicators. All cheated.
Koko Kosila No. To you, esther, and all who said that, cheating is not a poor way of communicating, it’s not a WAY of communicating at all. No one should use that as an “attempt” to communicate, no excuses for cheaters. Why aren’t there consequences for cheating???? You cheat you suffer. There’s only one solution for cheating, don’t do it
@@danielgreenwald4517 Do you have some kind of psychology background? Some expertise in the field of relationships? Cause Esther sure has quite a bit. You have a victim mentality by the way you articulate yourself, so I'm guessing not. In fairness to you, I don't have any professional experience in psychology (relationships or otherwise). But I don't live life using should've, could've, would've, either... looking to find fault with everyone else but myself. And btw, it doesn't take a degree to figure out that there are two ways of communicating - verbal and non. Do not look to me for your salvation - The Buddha.
Koko Kosila I don’t have formal education in the field of psychology but so are 99% who’ve been hit by an assault of any sort. Does that mean they don’t have a right to demand and deserve justice? That their perpetrators shouldn’t pay for what they’ve done? Of course not. Victim mentality is that if someone sneezed in your direction you feel like a major victim. If someone assaulted you, you are a victim. A cheater is someone assaulting you. Have you have been attacked? It sounds like you may have and are dealing with it differently than I, which is fine, every one to get hit with something copes with it her or his way. Did you get justice for what happened to you? By me things will feel a lot more right, once my cheater pays the price for her cheating. And no, non verbal communication is not communication unless you know it got through. People are not mind readers, it’s basic in relationships that every couple needs to have open communication, it’s a foundation. Somethings bothering me, I should say it. And I can’t hide behind not being uncomfortable or not knowing how, it’s my SPOUSE. If I’m not comfortable with her then who am I comfortable with!!!! I can’t use that as an excuse for her having to read my mind
@@lotuskoko that's right, you don't have professional experience in psychology, nor do you speak for whoever this hack of a doctor is. She sounds like someone enabling cheaters by patting them on the head and telling them that cheating is just part of their personality! Have you ever been on the receiving end of the cheating or do you just do it yourself? I've been both. I had an affair on my husband. We separated when I wanted to sleep with the other guy because I wanted to explore my feelings with him, but the whole time I was being seduced by this other man who was not my husband, he was courting someone else and sharing the same words with her he was sharing with me. And it's not like it was an impulse on his part. He could have stopped it if he was feeling really bad about it, but you know, he didn't tell his first wife when we first met and were fucking around online so I doubt he told his current wife about us fucking around and the supposed love affair we had. I also doubt he'd tell her about any of the other mistresses he has stashed else where because I'm pretty sure he did and still does. That's not someone who has a hard time communicating, that's someone who has a hard time keeping his lies straight. That's a sociopath.
Amen! Don't let a Man or Woman Dumped you Twice. A one nite stand CAN be forgivable. But a Cheater is Professional liar. When he was with her...He constantly lied to you. Unforgivable.
I would never be able to get over any act of cheating from a partner to ever be able to make it work again. No matter how much I loved them. The trust is shattered beyond repair.
Exactly. I would rather have someone I love break up with me, be truthful and say I don't want to be in this relationship any more (for what ever reason-the reason doesn't matter) than to find out they cheated behind my back, lied, etc.....Sure, I would be hurt, maybe devastated but not to the point of how I would feel if someone cheated, lied over & over, etc....
True. Paranoia will always be part of the relationship and I just dont want that stress. I would have rather loved and lost than to stay with someone i cannot even trust
The whole point of Esther's work is that it doesn't have to be. There are ways to heal from the betrayal. Not always, but it's not always the end of the relationship - it may just be the beginning of a necessary change within it.
LilJon12, note the use of ever, never, the finality in your words? I empathize with your hurt, but if you carry those into new relationships, it will replay the same story. Not being preachy, it's happened to me several times then I learnt this about myself.
Been there, and because of that Done that. The best thing to do is ending it. Nothing will ever be the same in the relationship. Great video and advice.. 👍🙏✌
I have been married to my husband for 22 years and around 10 years ago I found out on Facebook that he was cheating. He continued to cheat on me with more than one women and over a few years of it happening , I cheated as well. I worked through it with him and it was incredibly hard and took a long time, some counseling and some real honest inner work but now we are sooo in love and balanced and into each other like never before. Why did I stay in the first place? I really love everything about him, how he loves me, even then, who he is and how he thinks all turn me on. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I was devastated when I found out, but it ended up being the best thing to ever happen in our relationship.
But there's a possibility that people who are serial cheaters are less likely to seek professional help because they are not seeing it as a problem. Hence, lowing down the percentage of serial cheaters in data collected in the clinical context.
I cheated on my HS gf on the first year of college. This was 17 years ago. I have NEVER cheated since and I'll put my money that I'll never cheat again. I got cheated by my second gf and it was very devastating. But after the trauma was gone (took years) , I realized how much more committed I was to never put someone I love through that again. But don't be naive, keep good communication and avoid dangerous situations.
That's relativisation. Everything vary. The problem is that the border was crossed. Next time it will be easier for that person. Your comment is like you were cheating or.. take sb back after cheating (becouse of fear or wellbeeing). I made my decision. I will not give sb another bullet to kill me when he/she already killed sb else.
The best advice I've heard in dealing with cheaters: if you feel like staying with someone who has cheated on you, will change your core spirit, it's best to leave. How do you know it will change you? If you become someone who is constantly anxious, uncomfortable, untrusting of your partner.
I dont really agree with her. When my husband and I got married we were both very clear with each other that we are there for each other but infidelity is a deal breaker, no excuses. If u want to have sex with someone else then off with u (and dont come back). It's a conscious choice your spouse or someone else. Not only does infidelity cause emotional damage but also exposes the spouse to STDs which are rampant these days, regardless of how careful people are.
Personally, i dont think i can commence a relationship with someone who cheated. Because what i can forgive and what i can forget are not always the same.
She's right. Had i watched this at the time of the incident i would have had a few choice words to say but with 5 years distance and a better marriage now i can say she is right and what she says rings true from the lengthy discussions my husband and i have had over the years since we have come to the point of talking rationally about events.
And those discussions can be really, really tough, cant they? They shake the foundations and you have to hang on sometimes. But talking honestly is the only way- for BOTH parties.
If I may ask, how has the relationship evolved in the meantime? Is it still good, better, or has it ended? Do you regret staying or are you happy you did?
If they crossed a line that they did not know they would cross, then how do they know they would not cross a similar line if the circumstances were similar? Because it comes down to character, you are the type of person that will cheat or you are the type that won't.
Cheating is the worst action I have ever taken.the aftermath of it is awefull. It gave me a reason to work on my emotions and turned out I was very emotional unstable.i still see a therapist to deal with the pain I feel and the pain I cost my love one and her family. Am still working on self forgiveness. My advice to anyone that’s thinking of cheating don’t do it. If you love the person don’t do it. Taking this action is not worth loosing something real. I agree with the video.People can learn from bad choices made. The trauma and nightmares alone should be enough for you to say hell no! Never again. You’re more than that better than that prove it to your self.
As a lady that has gone through some share of emotional and psychological abuse from a narcissist i have learnt to run away when I see any traits of dishonesty and selfishness but sometimes you can’t really know until it happens and I discovered a way to find out before I become a victim again , I was cheated on and betrayed by my partner and blamed myself who his promiscuous behavior until I hacked his device and read through his chat and social media account before I discovered I was being played by someone I gave my totality to , really we have to be wise and know who to give our undying love and respect to, I have more information in my comment section
That was incredibly compassionate. I don’t believe in giving someone a feee pass but it is good to value family. It’s easy to throw people away and I love that she encourages forgiveness.
I just love you so much! What a truly inspiring woman you are! I’m already 33 years old but I want to say this with some humor: “when I grow up, I want to be like Esther Perel” :)
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The problem is cheating doesn't just happen...you're well aware of it happening every step of the way when you meet your new love interest. You even thought about what your partner might think and still go ahead with it...
Whatever. You aren't "not a murderer" because you didn't murder someone for 10, 20, 30 years. You did it once and that's all that matters. It says a lot about your character. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It's not that hard not to lie and cheat. If you don't want the relationship, break up. Don't cheat.
Agreed. Even if you only cheated once, cheating still takes some effort - the sneaky text messages, the secret plans - all while looking your partner in the eye and lying. I'll never be able to trust my partner again even if he promises he will never do it again.
They are "not a murderer" if they've gone for so long without killing and don't feel the need to do so anymore. Yes theres a chance it could happen again but thats how it is with literally everything. People can work on themselves and change over time. Yall saying that no matter what they'll still be trash (basically what you're saying) just makes them feel trapped like even if they work on themselves they'll never be able to be a good monogamous partner. It makes it even more difficult to work on it and yourself since you're just constantly being told you're going to fail. People recover from cheating and don't do it again. For you to say they don't just shows your ignorance about this and the other POV.
People change,anyone can change.Some people weren't trained or had examples of what a good man or woman is for them to emulate.. so what you emulate so well and find so easy to be isnt necessarily someone else's reality ...people have wounds ,issues from their upbringings.That they need to work out in therapy and need healing and re parenting,training.When you know better you do better with a healthy mind..healed and not from a bitter ,hurt, distorted view. Even you have things you're probably struggling to overcome,quit ,have your own short comings..do they define you ?absolutely not...not every cheat will always be a cheat. Because where theres a will theres a way.
To cheat is a bad verb to describe What really is going on. It is about love, passion, responsibility and... hurt. An affair is also to flirty, it isn't a boudoir either... R.E.S.P.E.C.T for Every one envolved, please.
'Cheat' is an extremely powerful word and a 'master status'- it blames, it fixes, it stains, it justifies, it comforts in hurt, it bonds in fear and loss. What is does not do is repair, heal, accept, open; it does not allow for courage, growth, magnificence, respect, intimacy, movement towards a better place with yourself and any other who can journey with you. This requires a different vocabulary, but it may take a superhuman effort to begin talking it.
Ive endured 3 years of getting cheated on randomly with randoms...we had to delete all our social media AGAIN just to get peace..n idk how long itl last. Im starting to hate him after 9 years of being together. I think i already do. Even tho i say i love him...
I believe that if someone cheats after 15+ years of a solid relationship, forgiveness should be strongly accepted. If less than 3 years - pull the plug!
If 15 years didn´t mean anything when a cheater decided to deceive, Why should I consider get him/her back instead of move on and getting somenone better then? too much work just for fixing something got damaged so easly.
*You should forgive a cheater and move on remembering the good times (regardless of length of relationship). Don’t hold a grudge or be mean spirited towards because they preferred to be with someone else and mislead you. One time is more than enough because cheaters think you deserve to be cheated on and made a conscious decision to betray you. You should never confront a cheater showing anger, frustration and upset because it’s meaningless; It’s only an ego stroke and laughing material for them. Cheaters don’t care what you think, how you feel or how their cheating affects you. Cheaters pretend to be remorseful when they’re caught, some will provide an Oscar worthy performance while crying saying they regret their actions. Ending a relationship with a cheater is the most unselfish thing you could ever do for someone else. It allows them to opportunity to have a clear conscience, get with others guilt free without all the misleading and sneaking around. Forgiveness does not mean you have to stay in the relationship. People can change, just let them change after you cut ties with them that way their a better version of themselves for their next relationship.* Am I wrong?
Praise the Lord for this message. I feel like the world looks at me as a weak loser for granting forgiveness, choosing to not break apart my family of two young children, and fighting the TOUGH fight of restoration. They think I have no self worth when really I am far stronger than them because of the hard sacrifices I’ve made. All I can say is I wouldn’t want to be in a foxhole with most of society by my side. I am a man of faith and I’ll tell you…Jesus forgave me of all of my sins and I’m trying to be like Him. It wasn’t an easy life for Him and it’s not for the betrayed spouses out there. Also, when I took my vows, I said “For better OR WORSE”. Now I’m making the worse into something better. Thanks for this message.
For me, it's not even a question of recidivism because it doesn't matter if the unfaithful partner never cheats again. A self-actualized cheater can try their "new and improved" way to communicate their dissatisfaction with someone else. Therapy would only serve to discover what caused the disaster, in order not to repeat it in the next relationship.
FOR MARRIED PEOPLE: In my opinion, the feeling that you get in an affair can NEVER be love. Love comes from God, the same God who designed marriage and commanded us to honor it. I truly believe that God will not contradict Himself and put love in your heart for someone else other than your spouse. The feeling you have for the other person can be LUST, ATTRACTION, ADMIRATION, or any other feeling that satan will USE to destroy your marriage (and push you to break the VOW that you made before God). The devil will make you believe that what you feel for this other person is love when in fact it really ISN'T. That's what satan does. That's the reason he's called a LIAR and a DESTROYER.
I am a man who has cheated. Did it made me better. No. It feels like an invisible cage that intrap you. I don't have a desire to cheat. So now I am single. Perfection is such a hard thing to optain.
Does it hurt when people say once a cheater always a cheater? It hurts me bc it made me feel like there was no point in even trying to change (I didnt work on myself and im good now btw) and that no matter what I'll always be that way.... was just wondering if this was your experience as well?
@@raebaby4600 do u know the actual reasons why u cheated? Was there anyone that u didn’t cheat on ? I’m just really curious I never knew it was like that hard to not be loyal and faithful but it seems like it is which is scary
I am absolutely against her version that we want too much from our partners. This that is usually provide from all village in the past is very simply to be provided from 1 person now. For example if you want to visit other continent all you need is to bye a ticket. If you forgive your partner, you teach him/her to stay the same. To be married few times for the same person - there is no love, there is benefit and interests. Love don't tolerate replacement.
Why do I continue in a marriage that has caused me and my children so much pain over three decades of affairs, the lies and the heart breaking emotion of living with someone who professes to love us yet discarded us for one nite stands The terrible effect its had on me and my children and family life has been terrible. I truly thought keeping the family together was for the best, the childrens mental health and mine have been effected awfully and all for what. For us the cheating never stopped.
That woman gives a free pass to unacceptable behavior. She must have had a cheating spouse, accepted his transgressions to save face and started making speeches on "forgiveness" to make money. Don't listen to her. Your gut and mind know better. Do what's best for you, not what some Esther says.
In many cases, I don't believe people are bad, but people make bad choices. Agree with you there Esther. Narcissists tend to believe that they are "above the law" and can do whatever they want.
You make an excellent point and something I have been talking about for a week. As a person who made a bad choice, we have that reputation about ourselves that people judge us and make us seem like bad human beings. But are we? NO WAY! Good human beings can make bad choices. It's human nature. In fact, what do we have to gain if we don't make make poor decisions? Nothing... PS...I'm not a fan of narcissist for that fact! :-)
@@jaimemarchese11 Totally agree. Life puts us through challenges, and we're all just mortal human beings. Not a single one of us are flawless. No fan either. Used to be in a relationship with one. She made my life hell, and it took me 4 years to get rid of her.
5 affairs thats all i gotta say. They do it once they ll do it again. No remorse from her whatsoever. N on top of all that she blames me for her action. Can we all say narcissist. Esther thank you but yes they will do it again. So if they cant comunicate what makes u think they ll able to comminicate later. Makes no sense what n how they act. U cheat u deal with the consequences plain n simple.
Generally a person who has a history of one behaviour is likely to repeat it. Ofc you can have different degrees of the problem and if adressed the person can change. This is how courts view criminal behaviour.
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That's true. Old habits die hard. Not to mention the logistics behind it all, if your partner makes sure 90% of your desires are met and you are willing to cheat and trade the 90% for the 10%, it shows narcissism, selfishness, stupidity, lack of self control and mainly some inner issues and compulsory behavior. Of course not all cheaters are stupid to willingly give up 90% for 10%, but they wish the 100% the best of both worlds, which is unrelistic, as humanity is limited biologically from ever achieving 100%, we are limited from feeling happy most of the time and only get tiny precious moments to satisfy and enlighten us and make our hard work worth it. Whoever doesn't realize this is on one way street to utter misery for himself and others.
Criminal behaviour and cheating on your partner are two very different things. To be frank, I’ve known people who cheated and I honestly couldn’t blame them. Did I think that they should have left the relationship they were in? Yes. But could I fully understand why they did what they did given how their partner at the time was treating them? 100% yes.
@@Julia36D It's not criminal behavior, but it's essentially breaking the foundation of trust on which most marriages are built and with that, everything looses meaning and falls apart. The simple fact that people attempt to normalize cheating, makes the whole idea of marriage and vows a joke, because at the smallest inconvenience they will go cheat and it's most often an excuse to renounce the responsibilities the current partnership places on them and to restart that honey moon phase that every beginning of relationship and marriage has. It's an act of cowardice, immaturity and entitlement and the reason why many people have trust issues even before getting married. As someone that has seen one of my own friends and my ex-boyfriend's female friends touch him on his thighs, near the private areas and even telling him they are better than me and could have him at any times, i realized there are many people in this world that have no boundaries or dignity, so my entire trust hanged on my boyfriend's integrity and honesty, because i would never consume my time and life acting like a detective or forbidding social interactions with other women. However infidelity is advertised as perfectly natural for the males around me (all my male friends say: all men cheat) and things like taking your marriage seriously and spending more time at home than with the buddies out drinking are seen as "being whipped", which is why i will never be able to take a man's vows of commitment seriously, which at this point makes marriage worthless for me and with it also relationships and with this also most interactions with men. What people commonly don't realize are the social repercussions of trying to excuse infidelity, of witnessing many marriages fall apart because of it, alongside the current male narrative about how they are biologically inclined to polyamory, on people like me that do take such vows seriously, even if it means i will have to invest, compromise and sacrifice more than i would want to and the results are showing tbh, with declining marriage rates and increased divorces, even in countries with very different divorce and child-support policies than USA.
To all who are about to cheat or thinking about it: Don't Do It ! I used to cheated once on my ex and I feel so horrible days by days ever since, years pass now and I still never dare to cheat again Trust me, it not only destroy your partner but also yourself as well. You will come to regret it later and you'll find a hard time forgiving yourself. If you want to have fun, please just don't get into a relationship
cheating is lying........humans will lie whenever it suits their ego. the question is how will the lie take shape? not why? because lie we can, lie we will. the truth is always the deep secret.
Can i trust what I am sensing, can I trust my intuition. Learn to See what you see and to interpret what you see differently and if you feel certain thing again this time you know. And you make your decision. To express dissatisfaction, choose lousy ways to express, where Get stuck, Get out. Change relationship, or end.
@@missxmarvel yep, and I understand your rage and anger towards it tho. I was young and stupid, back in high school (10 years ago) I cheated on my ex and I felt terrible/awful seeing her emotionally in pain, crying and sobbing. You see, there’s this toxic mindset passed to us by our elders when we’re in a relationship at our teenager years. “Make the best of your teenage life because your partner now may not be your partner for life”. And I regretted following that damn advice, like I said, I was young and stupid.
JPT If you are old enough to behave like a dick then you are old enough to be held accountable so please don’t give me the “I was Young” scenario. You can’t blame your parents either because it was still your decision to betray her trust. Yes your teenage girlfriend might not stay with you until old age but it’s still no excuse to start a relationship with her and then do something like that. Your friends you had as a kid might not be your friends for life so does that excuse you to take advantage of their time and generosity? No, Ofcourse not. Life is indeed short and you need to live while you can but if your actions create victims then it’s not worth it. I stayed clear from dating in high school because I know the BF might break up with me and I don’t feel motivated to focus on my future. And I wanted to chat and befriend anyone instead of being stuck with one guy. I’m going easy on you because you seem like a man with redeeming qualities.
@@missxmarvel yep and I take no offense in that, those mistakes were a lesson. Never going back to that vile version of myself. Currently happy with my girlfriend of 3 years. I sense a lot of anger in you, but it’s understandable. I hope you’ll find your Forrest Gump.
You need to give the person for your own well being because you will define your life just as must as you define there's forgiveness is the key to moving forward out of a traumatic situation,Esther is awesome
I have been married for 8 yrs.My husband is 8 years younger than me.He is 33.Im a housewife.He has been cheating multiple times since the 4th year of our marriage.The fact is that I love him is more than I want to leave him.Everytime we fight due to the trigger I experience about his cheating, he always shout to me: If you cant stand of my cheating acts then why dont you leave and what else do you want from me?...that were his repetitive sentence everytime I triggered.
Esther makes sense. However, if the cheating happened to her or her daughter/son. I am not so sure she will approach it the same way. Cheating is not only a sexual escape, but reveals the character, or lack of it, of the cheater. The person has no integrity, morality, responsibility and loyalty or self-respect. The cheating destroys trust and will be a dead weight on the relationship if it survives. In the end, the cheater had a choice and the cheatee must choose as well. I believe this is a personal decision that must be weighted carefully, especially if kids are involved. Cheating should have severe consequences for the cheater. This is why it results in death in some cultures, as Esther pointed out.
Note that her perspective is "my practice", "my office". So she makes good points, but they're relevant to only SOME cheaters. Most cheaters don't seek therapy.
I think you are truly amazing! Everyone can learn something from you. Thankyou for making this available to us all, I personally appreciate it immensely.
What you say, Esther, is so true in my experience. I betrayed the trust of my wife before deciding to end the marriage and move on with someone else. Eventually, I had a small number of serious relationships where I confided (and accepted the blame) about my past with my new partner. What I wanted to convey is that I learned about cheating from the inside out, and now was fully committed to never allowing conditions for this to happen again. In other words, owning my past as a way to start with a clean slate. One partner was too insecure (due to having been betrayed by too many men) to accept my "rehabilitation," but the others came to appreciate my openness and trust my fidelity with little hesitation. All is well.
@@blueseptember2174 In a word, no. My decision to leave was based on substantive relationship issues, so leaving the marriage was a rational (though hurtful!) response to the fraying of our relationship.
Man this is so hard. Going through this currently but it is helpful to know that things happen in relationships. They just do. Good or bad. Though it sucks when it does happen in good relationships cause I could never think of cheating. Agh. Stay strong peeps, I’m with ya!
I never cheated, either. Even when I wanted! Find a Therapist with a minimum of 15 to 20 years. Good Luck. Life is a challenge for people who have empathy.
@@kirstinstrand6292 Thanks so much. I needed to hear this. Me too. It’s really not even “tempting” to me. I’ll never understand, but you’re right. Empaths have it hard, don’t we? The world is way too hard to live in for us. Sending hugs!
Then don't put that much love and trust in anyone. Unless one gives you a disease, or tries to kill ya out of their cheating, just leave a bf or gf. I don't hate, I just leave.
I don't believe a cheater is always a cheater. People can change, and I've seen it first hand. I have helped with many relationships, and there was always a positive outcome. This belief that someone is always whatever it may be is always an unhealthy way to think about others. Having a vengeful heart towards another is never okay. We have all done something we are not proud of, so forgive them and leave it in the past.
The cheaters ability to change only benefits THEM, NOT the person/family they betrayed. The emotionally abused spouse will always have to live with the effects of who their partner was REGARDLESS of who their partner chooses to become. Ex: A murderer at age 20 may not be a murderer at age 40, but the family of the person the murderer killed at age 20 must STILL live the rest of their lives without their loved one REGARDLESS OF the murderer's reformation. Should the murderer be permitted to live amongst the family of the person they murdered just because they've "changed?"
We all know the rules when in a relationship once they do it once it's over ! And was it once or is it the first time they have been caught if your too weak 2 walk away then you only have yourself to blame or live the rest of your life worrying that there going to do it again ! Harsh but true
Without sincerity you have nothing in any type of relationship, whether it be personal, business or just friendship. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Just my opinion for what it's worth.
There are many forms of cheating. not just physical cheating. emotional affairs can also be considered cheating.. i see that most comments below are more towards physical cheating. would your views towards emotional cheating be the same as physical cheating? curious to find out what most peoples views are on this! and whats the reason for any differences in views.
Lola Ballantyne I’m not Ester answering but if it helps you with something: my boyfriend cheated on my for years and he wouldn’t feel bad eather; my conclusion after looking at his behavior is simple: he was SO extremely selfish that he wouldn’t even imagine that I was emotionally destroyed by his actions, he had such a lack of empathy that he was un capable of caring about my pain or even thinking he is not the center of the universe, for him it was a matter of taking whatever he wanted whenever he wanted no matter the price to fulfill his desires, I was simply yet another of his life’s tools for happiness; it would never occurred to him that I was a person with her own feelings and seek for happiness... it is extremely painful (it took me more than 2 years and counting) to recover from being seen as an object for years, the most important is to remember this: THEY are the ones wrong, they are the ones who are not honest with even themselves, they are the selfish who don’t even know what they want to be happy... those people don’t know how to love, they don’t love you, nor the other person! They just selfishly love themselves, a person like that is not worth to be with... I hope to help, from heart!!
It sounds like it's *his* behavior, Lola Ballantyne. If a person cannot take ownership of how their behavior has affected you, it tells you everything you need to know about them.
@@Carmen-mp3je I feel every single word you said, and my heart goes out to you. For I am going through a very similar situation, and for the second time already. Still struggling between “trying harder, give it another shot at least” and just simply get up and walk away... Ya, the other person is not remorseful. And I wonder will they ever be.
You are so insightful and your lectures and books are the place to go for me when I feel the need to understand more relationships. I sincerely hope someday you start teaching therapists and some of your scholars come to Bulgaria to work. I am in dire need of a good therapist who is searching for the truth and not repeating the dogmatic things they learned in school.
It's simple, you split & change the dynamic. He or She simple becomes a 'arms length' friend that you don't share a bedroom with. It's taken me years to learn this, trust no one and understand the reality of the person you are dealing with.
@@raebaby4600 It depends how hurt you have been. I was cheated on more than once and my BF at that time denied it, but I knew he was cheating. It destroyed my self confidence and men became a turn off for me. I am now a sexual and I highly recommend it. No men wanted or needed! Perfect solution.
@@newworldlove7031 that is the opposite of a solution for most people especially those with high sex drives. Sex is a stress relief for a lot of people.
@@raebaby4600 I prefer meditation and yoga and playing with my cat. Men are programed to cheat in order to keep human race going. I prefer my approach, its rock solid. No one gets into my heart or mind to harm me ever again.
Slept with My friend of 20 years. And My Best friend died in 2019. And My dad died in 2019. They both consoled me through that, and then slept together. I'm so Fuckin hurt.
It is so easy to forgive but not to forget. You will always have a gut feeling that he is still communicating with the same person. Do you think a person will able to change ? Even if forgive him for cheating on you twice ?
I agree, but she only touch based on one type of cheating. Someone who is married and slipped up once. What about people who hold relationships, not just a one time thing? Like they're with someone, then start another relationship for months with someone else. Eventually breaks it off and stays with the other person. But then they do it again in that relationship. Like a pattern. Not just like sleeping around with a bunch of people cheating, but having multiple relationships cheating. I mean clearly they aren't happy in the relationship they're in or they wouldn't look to start another with someone else, but why can't they break it off first? Instead each relationship is started by cheating.
It's amazing how much more interesting youtube is than tv or even netflix.
I have since learnt this and am not gonna unlearn!
I hardly ever watch tv. I am always on youtube.
Thank you! I thought I was being cultivated, but honestly I learn and grow so much! And am entertained when needed :)
Totally agree
I agree with you
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me. My ex cheated on me for three months with a woman who turned him down years earlier. At the same time he was cheating he was talking to me about getting engaged, where we would get married, etc. When I discovered the affair I confronted him and the other person. I gave him a second chance on the basis that neither party would ever communicate with the other again. Both agreed. A year later I found out they were still in contact with one another, so I ended the relationship immediately. Ironically they are not together now. It's one thing to give someone a second chance, but don't ever allow them a third chance to take advantage of you. Life is short. Walk away.
Lesson: When your partner cheats never ever give a second chance. They were laughing about it together behind your back.
We don't know that. Try not to rub salt in the wound
@@danielkelvin1036 if you believe someone is unfaithful, not just once, but a constant thought, you should end it.
If you want to hack your partners accounts, etc - You have a problem. The fact is, if they are cheating- you were paranoid the whole time even with proof. If they weren't, you were paranoid the whole time and distrustful.
If one's reactioning is to hack and scam, then you shouldn't be with them, or anyone, because of mistrust ( founded or not).
Not to say if there is cheating someone should stay. That is your choice. If you feel like you can't, then don't.
This woman, esther, is talking about people who want to stay together despite an infidelity.
I've had someone cheat, and I moved on. I was able to deal. Many can not. This is ok.
@Gibson Trevor Oh I am sorry that happened. It hurts. I have always been cheated on. I have never cheated on someone. I was even tempted by another man but I said
I will not do it. It is my integrity. later I find out that my boyfriend doesn't even love me. He just wants a body. Ugh it hurts.
this after I forgave him for a cheating on me in 2014 and I quickly dumped him. Shame on me I guess but dam it hurts because I was willing to open my heart again. Next time I will open my heart to another but not this guy. Good luck on your healing process and open your heart again. There are to many people in this world. Love, Light, and healing to you.
Beatrice, I feel your pain, been there.
When meeting new people I encourage to show their true colors and do not expect them to change. Either it's a fit or not or just a short term relationship.
INFIDELITY is a symptom of a CORE ISSUE - Therefore, is NOT the betrayed partner's job or responsibility to FIX the cheater's CORE ISSUE!
It is the responsibility of the betrayed partner to dump that cheater as fast as possible. NEVER be second best, run and never look back. Affairs can never be forgiven because the trust can never be restored. The affair will be always in the betrayed partner's mind, they may deny it but it's deep in there. Even years later it's back there in the mind.
True
My ex cheated on me. Being cheated on, betrayed, is the most painful thing one should endure in his/her life...
Now i have chosen to move on and recover myself.
We can do this guys ❤️
Me too 😭😭😭 how did you do it ?
*You should forgive a cheater and move on remembering the good times (regardless of length of relationship). You should never confront a cheater showing anger, frustration and upset because it’s meaningless; It’s only an ego stroke for them. Cheaters don’t care what you think, how you feel or how it affects you, that’s why they don’t consult with you before starting something with someone else. Cheaters pretend remorseful when their caught, some will provide an Oscar worthy performance. Ending a relationship with a cheater is the most unselfish thing you could ever do for someone else. It allows them to opportunity to have a clear conscience, get with others guilt free without all the misleading and sneaking around. Forgiveness does not mean you have to stay. It’s important to understand this in order to move on.*
I hope you left the jerk!
GIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE LORD JESUS CHRIST
Married 5/18/23 and I feel this… hard to quit but I want this marriage… lost asf
I love Ester, however there is one obvious issue here-
She says the people she sees in her office are not repeat cheaters, and I believe her.
However repeat cheaters tend not to seek therapy. Typically those with a narcissistic orientation tend not to seek therapy.
Cheaters who aren't working on themselves or relationships may well repeat and may be more likely to do so.
Yeah, some self selection here.
A narcissist will go to therapy to prove he or she is not a narcissist. They are strong manipulators.
Do you Know my ex Olga Abaskalova ? Lol
That’s completely true what you said and I can confirm this ,my ex being doing this I guess to her ex boyfriend on vacataion travel and now me ...she even travel to the other side of the world to cheat..that’s really is a classy cheater
I believe if a person who was cheating thinking they have the right to cheat because they make themselves good reasons why they should continue cheating. I had a guy at work who said my wife is useless she sick so that's the reason why I cheating to satisfy my own needs. It was interesting why he thought that way he just made a excuse because she was working full-time job taking care of the kids cooking cleaning and taking care of his and her parents but he still was calling her useless but she was actually over working herself and she was too blind to see that he should help her doing some of those things but he did not care if she was working a lot he wanted her to work even more so he will have free time to cheating on her and still putting her down and argue with her later on like she is useless because she was not satisfying his sexual need which she could not satisfy because she could not be a different woman every night for him to make it more fun, existing and interesting for him.
If a person can't communicate he/she is unhappy in a relationship, then they will continue that pattern of stuckness till self realization , we can't make other people realize their errors etc, so once a cheater always a cheater can be true if the person does not realize their behaviour. Also ppl do make mistakes etc but would you want to hurt someone you love by infidelity? It only means you love yourself more that you decided to get your needs met without considering discussion with your partner . Such ppl shouldn't be in relationships because relationships need work , love ,patience etc .you should just love your mirror reflection
Truly
Y
If you love someone you don’t cheat on them. Simple Simon!!!
This is SO good and a perspective that is rarely ever highlighted in our society. As someone who has been through cheating with their spouse, I can’t express how complex the situation truly is. It’s not as black and white as “the minute they cheat, I’m gone”. All thing have to be weighed and considered and a beautiful fruit can be born from forgiveness and change. Thank you Esther for offering a perspective that’s essentially unheard of in our current society. It’s helped to breathe life into my life. I hope this comment and video helps someone else who’s gone through this as well.
Thank you! ❤️
Thankyou for this feedback.
Yes, so very true. Extremely complicated!!
“As someone who has been through cheating with their spouse”: It’s interesting how you minimize responsibility for the cheater’s actions by presenting it as something that just happened to you both.
Yeah, sounds like a cheater who wanted a justification for their terrible choices@@bretak74
They may never cheat again. But the mentality that allowed them so deeply betray a loved one will always be there.
yeah and how do you know that? Are you speaking from experience?
@@angies7906 personal experience yes, but also common sense and logic.
@@headsupfiction8582 it is just a pure judgment.
It took 5 years for my marriage to end. 5 long years. Why were the years so long? Something started to happen that I never saw coming. He was controlling, verbally abusive and then…physically abusive. I came home one day and he was messing with the cat. I tried to stop him and he grabbed me by the throat and threw me across the room. He then threw the cat against the wall and broke her leg. She went to live with my parents after that. I could've told my parents but I didn't. I don't know why. After that it continued. I was punched, clawed, was constantly being yelled at about how I was fat, stupid, I didn't have a real job (I was a teacher) and so on. He told me that if it were legal he'd kill me. That was it. I kept saying that I wanted to get a divorce. He said he'd take our son if I did. But one day he said “fine, if you want a divorce then get a divorce.” I did, he tried to get back with me but I showed him the door after one night together.
That's the reason I got a divorce. Thankfully it “only” lasted 5 years. No spouse should EVER have to go through that!!
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Generally, you should not expect a person to change. People tend to not change, and previous behavior is the best predictor for future behavior. Something about that person made it so that they chose to cheat. It is a reflection of who they are on some level, whether that be a communication problem, a commitment problem, an impulse problem, etc. Never stay with someone on the basis that they will change.
Also, let me add, cheating is a succession of many choices in a row. It wasn't one mistake. It was the mistake of flirting, of continuing to flirt, of continuous suggestive contact, and choice of a sexual touch, which then led to the choice of a kiss, and then further choices which led to sex. These are all in themselves unfaithful choices. Imagine the amount of individual references of behavior this cheater has made. The amount of stand-alone choices. This shows some fundamental issue with the person. And once again, do you want to base the continuation of a relationship on them changing, or on you being able to change them?
Some people consider flirting once cheating even if nothing physical happened.
Agree
Someone has been watching too much Dr. Phil.
exactly
Solar you explained it perfectly! It's a multitude of decisions being made and that why it is so bad. To call cheating an accident is completely dismissive and downplaying what they did. That is also why I believe it is inherently an action of disrespect.
Studies show that once a cheater the probability of doing the same is 3 times more probable...and the sample of therapy clients is skewed already. Those who don't regret won't go there...
In my own family I have seen an example of someone who cheated once and regretted it, and never cheated again in 40 years. I am sure many people are serial cheaters but sometimes it doesn't hurt to try if the cheating person puts in the work and it doesn't happen repeatedly.
When you say someone was a good husband, son, brother......but cheated once. The problem with that statement is that when he cheated, it involved many bad behaviors like lying, sneaking, phone calls, excuses, planned dishonesty, using marital money.......so it is hard to say those amoral behaviors are ok.
Well for me it was some back and forth texting that was flirty and went on for like an hour-ish at most but then I felt really shitty about it... then came clean... then got dumped. I want nothing more than to improve as a person now so that this never happens again, I just wish I had thought things through before I decided that a little momentary flirting would ever be worth losing out on the best relationship in my life. I don’t even know if I necessarily want her to give me a second chance. I know how hard it would be for her. But it does suck.
@@RedBull528 okay, I need to understand. If the relationship was so amazing then why even do the momentary flirting?
@@blueseptember2174 because people are also individuals outside of their relationships and sometimes cheating has nothing to do with the relationship but has to do more with the individual and things they are going through and needing but don’t realize or express in a healthy way. It’s a destructive decision certainly but it’s also human, and no one is above being in a place where we make poor and harmful choices.
@@jaylynortiz9304 I think for some people maybe. My mind can't comprehend it because it seems so illogical. In my mind you don't mess with a good thing. Why self sabotage in an already hard world?
@@blueseptember2174 The act of cheating is illogical in a sense but it can be understood not always through reason and rationale but through empathy and understanding the psychological factors. There’s different circumstances and influences that can lead people to land into these decisions knowingly or unknowingly. It can not be understood one way universally or objectively. I’ve cheated in a relationship where I was abused and controlled and it was my way of putting a nail in the coffin because every time I tried to leave he wouldn’t allow it. It was also the first time I felt desired. That partner groomed me since 14 years old and wasn’t genuinely interested in me. On the other hand I was just cheated on with my current relationship and this was hard to process because we had a happy relationship in which we loved and respected one another. The issue here was a break down in our relationship in where my partner was feeling neglected and became frustrated trying to communicate that yet seeing no change and when attention from someone else happened to come along the mind began to justify to him why he could do that and why it was deserved. He found out that it was not worth it or what he wanted. He felt regret and remorse. When I cheated on my ex I didn’t feel much remorse, I felt bad about doing something deemed as wrong and for seeing that it was hurtful to him, but looking back I don’t regret it. My boyfriend now however regrets that this is a scar on our relationship that we are choosing to heal and move forward together but because we do love each other and see this is still a relationship we want, the poor decisions he made were mistakes that have huge consequences that will take time to heal and rebuild. It was a wake up call for the both of us. Of course I wish it never happened, and so does he but nonetheless it has and I had a choice to make as did he on what to do in the aftermath of such a devastating discovery. I totally would be justified in walking away from this relationship, and it’s not for everyone to chose to forgive and stay with a partner who cheated because it’s so personal and depends on what you can handle and feels safe, and then it depends on after examining all of the facts of you still somehow find goodness in your partner or in the relationship that you want to restore and transform or if that’s actually just distorted everything for you and you no longer find that you want to continue. Everyone has to make that choice themselves and there’s mo way of knowing how you will feel or react until you are in that position.
The trust bond is shattered. I tried to forgive but couldnt forget & it became all consuming 24/7 picturing the two of them together. It took YEARS for that image to fade away. The pain was non stop for a very long time. I won't go through that ever again. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life.
Are you two still together?
Steffi A No. I am older. This happened 30 years ago. We dated for 2 years. I was feeling very good about our relationship when he abruptly ended it with no explanation. I suspected something happened with a new, younger coworker but couldn't prove it. He vehemently denied everything. I was crushed. Two months later, he reappeared begging to get back together. In the next few weeks, I found out everything from the woman. The mental & physical anguish was the worst imaginable pain I have ever gone through in my life. We went our separate ways & he died about 4 years later. It still took me years to get to a somewhat better place. Since then, I have learned to walk away from anyone who shows the first sign of acting inappropiately on any level. I have zero tolerance for bs. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
G R Thank you so much for sharing that with me and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I myself have had my fair share with cheaters and I'm glad I never let myself get too involved and saw what they were before letting myself get too invested. It hurt a lot though, been almost a month and I'm not over it yet but I'm healing. Yes you are right, we shouldn't give damns about people who do not respect us in the first place, they do not deserve it. Stay strong! 💪
Steffi A Thank you for your kind words. And I'm sorry to hear what you are going through right now. I learned the hard way not give more than your partner does. Make sure they keep investing in you. Just like a tennis match, both have to involved. Anything less = not enough interest on their part = time to move on. Better to be happily alone with your dog or cat than with being with someone playing with your heart & mind. All my best to you. You stay strong, too!💪💪💪《hugs》
G R Thank you, and same to you (:
Cheated alot as a young teenager like 3-4 times. At 19 I've definitely matured enough. I stopped doing drugs and went to therapy so i can work on myself. Apologized to those I hurt and I'm currently in a healthy relationship.
People can change it just takes work and accountability.
Esther is just so deep, nuanced, and "on it"! A breath of fresh air in our puritanical black and white American way of looking at things and looking for easy categories when life often isn't like that.
"That defines them as people who chose a rather lousy way to communicate certain things that they need a better language to communicate." So important. That opens the possibility of growth and healing for a couple. Destroying relationships because people don't know how to deal with what is happening in a truly mature way just perpetuates hurt and pain. Dealing with hurt and pain in a way that leads to growth and greater closeness is rare but worth it.
So true!!
true
I personally don't like shit sandwiches. Why do you?
I was married for over 40yrs and in the end he cheated. With a nurse from work last Christmas I didn't think he was the type too cheat But it just goes too show you never realy know what a person is going too do. if anyone wants too cheat they will. We are going through a divorce now. I feel for all woman and men who are going through this terrible trauma. I will forgive but never forget.
stay blessed 4ever ameen
I would never throw away 40yrs for 1 mistake. I will fight tooth and nail for us to recover from his mistake. I've been married 17years now.
Everyone is different
Yes everyone is different Loretta because everyone is writing there own story you r your writer stay blessed 4ever amen
@@sandraaffun7622 it all depends on how remorseful the cheater was. If it was multiple times etc etc. You'll be way more sad if he does it again and you spend 17 more years with him.
I totally agree with Esther, I believe "Once a cheater, always a cheater" applies to narcissists only. Those guys don't seek therapy because in their minds "there is nothing wrong with them". The guys who cheats and seeks therapy to fix himself is not the narcissistic type.
Soo true
You do know women cheat at a rate of 70-80% and men cheat at 37%. Women also divorce at 80% rate compared to men . Men cheat because of options with no desire to lose his wife. Women are actively looking for a back up plan and cheat to leave.
once a narcissist always a narcissist? hmmm true
@C C A guy who sleeps with you before marriage shows no self control.
He’s most likely going to cheat.
Did you expect anything less?
Nah all cheaters are narcs and self centered.
I’m honestly rejecting guys who cheated even once on their exes. Because that’s a red flag to me
YES! Me too! 🥺
usually it’s the narcissistic and manipulative cheater who’s proud of their actions and confident in their abilities to get you to overlook that about them...
@@duxmealux281 I met one who did
As you should.
Yes. What he did to her...he will do to you.
Most times the partner whose been cheated on will not be able to trust the partner who cheated ever again and so there is no point in continuing with the relationship. The cuckolded partner experiences extreme pain and rejection and that is not something that is easy to repair added to the constant stress of the daily distrust.
So if you cheat it's just better for you guys to breakup?
@@wanjiruwoman6503 if you can't trust the person again how can you be in a relationship with them!? 🙄
Okay so I cheated but my partner don't trust me no more I really want to make it up to him ...but it's not working at all
@@wanjiruwoman6503 once trust is damaged often the partner who was cheated on will never be able to trust you again, there is nothing you can do to really make it up, how do you take away emotional pain, betrayal, disgust etc. Your relationship has been changed by your betrayal and it will never be the same again! 🙄
@@wanjiruwoman6503 sorry.you can and should try(f for nothing else than just for his self worth because i can guaranty you he doesn't feel like a man)but be prepared for the end of it.all you can do is be there for him,apologize to him a lot and specific apologies not that generic crap and try to make him feel like most desirable male on earth.it is difficult but if you do love him you'll try.just don't do more damage because you have no idea how devastating this can be for the future relationships he might be in..
I love how she approaches things, very honest and objective.
Cheating is a symptom of pure selfishness - a soul sickness, mental sickness, sometimes an addiction that's impossible to break without some type of help - "moral psychology" if you will - almost never remedied by the unaided will alone...
Ms Perel.. you are a better person than I am. If you lie to me and live a double life in my presence, I am out. My own self esteem will not allow me to be disrespected in such a way. If the spouse is dissatisfied, then end it and go away.
I'd like to respond to your comment...
I believe that we can forgive and move on. We are capable. But just because we can forgive does not mean that it is ok to proceed in that direction and keep the relationship together. If you are a strong enough person, you can walk away from the individual who cheated and the relationship to demonstrate a point... to demonstrate your values and your principles. To demonstrate that you require appreciation and respect. Sometimes, maybe even many times the individual who cheated needs to be taught a lesson that he or she will never forget. It doesn't matter if he or she repents after you have departed the relationship, its about sending a message. Sending a message doesn't mean we're not capable of love or not capable of forgiveness or reconciliation. You are showing that other person and the people around you that you know your worth and you are publicly putting that worth on display for people to witness.
I dated a woman who cheated on me. She didn't need to confess, i just knew. And i walked away from her. It hurt me to walk away because i really wanted to be with her, but i needed to send a message that i am to be respected and appreciated. I know what is best for me. I have no problem starting over. And i have no problem being single for a while until i meet someone else. Its ok to move on...we get over it and we mature even more.
Dont do what Esther Perel would do. Do what you think is best for your life.
Very few people will never cheat again within the same relatonship. I am sure it is possible, but really rare . I feel like I would rather separate from them myself. I can just imagine always wondering if they are thinking about it, missing it etc. Not to mention, walking on eggshells trying to keep them happy so they do not want to make that choice again .
I agree with you. Once they cheat I know I can't trust them again.
Hell Yes !
😭😭
The No. 1 reason we cheat is because we become selfish. We think only of ourselves. The adrenaline of meeting in secrecy. The excitement of doing new things with someone new. The rush of getting caught, the fact that what the other doesn't know will not hurt them. It's not until one day we put ourselves in the other's place. Then, we start seeing the betrayal of loyalty to one. The pain of disillusion from the love once given. The lies that question every "I love you". No one deserves to be cheated on. Be responsible, be mature. If you are not truly happy or comfortable in your relationship, than leave. You are not leaving the other alone. You are freeing the other from finding what we all want. True happiness. I saw the pain in my wife and my children. The people on this earth I vowed to love and protect. I've seen them upset many times before. But that day I saw the great pain in them. Great pain only comes from great love. Is that not what we are all after? Final note to questioning being together. If BOTH couples TRULY except to WANT to make it work, than yes. Guaranteed. If you both tried and failed. One lied to the other.
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Amen 🙏🏼
I agree, it is selfishness to cheat. And it will always come out, one way or another. The other person will sense something and the relationship will change. Why can't people be honest?
I don’t want to forgive someone that chooses there sexual needs over our family, commitment, and trust.
You don´t have to. It´s totally your choice!
Agreed!!!
you shouldn't. she is saying it because her whole profession depends on this. she will be out of job if cheaters didn't come to her for reconciliation. there is no point living with cheater and wasting more of your time
True
Until it’s happened to you, it’s easy to say “I won’t” it’s not easy letting go of someone that you’ve trusted and built a relationship with
She mentioned that cheating is a poor way of communicating. So true. I have three family members who had husbands who were poor communicators. All cheated.
Koko Kosila No. To you, esther, and all who said that, cheating is not a poor way of communicating, it’s not a WAY of communicating at all. No one should use that as an “attempt” to communicate, no excuses for cheaters. Why aren’t there consequences for cheating???? You cheat you suffer. There’s only one solution for cheating, don’t do it
@@danielgreenwald4517 Do you have some kind of psychology background? Some expertise in the field of relationships? Cause Esther sure has quite a bit. You have a victim mentality by the way you articulate yourself, so I'm guessing not. In fairness to you, I don't have any professional experience in psychology (relationships or otherwise). But I don't live life using should've, could've, would've, either... looking to find fault with everyone else but myself.
And btw, it doesn't take a degree to figure out that there are two ways of communicating - verbal and non.
Do not look to me for your salvation - The Buddha.
Koko Kosila I don’t have formal education in the field of psychology but so are 99% who’ve been hit by an assault of any sort. Does that mean they don’t have a right to demand and deserve justice? That their perpetrators shouldn’t pay for what they’ve done? Of course not. Victim mentality is that if someone sneezed in your direction you feel like a major victim. If someone assaulted you, you are a victim. A cheater is someone assaulting you. Have you have been attacked? It sounds like you may have and are dealing with it differently than I, which is fine, every one to get hit with something copes with it her or his way. Did you get justice for what happened to you? By me things will feel a lot more right, once my cheater pays the price for her cheating. And no, non verbal communication is not communication unless you know it got through. People are not mind readers, it’s basic in relationships that every couple needs to have open communication, it’s a foundation. Somethings bothering me, I should say it. And I can’t hide behind not being uncomfortable or not knowing how, it’s my SPOUSE. If I’m not comfortable with her then who am I comfortable with!!!! I can’t use that as an excuse for her having to read my mind
@@lotuskoko that's right, you don't have professional experience in psychology, nor do you speak for whoever this hack of a doctor is. She sounds like someone enabling cheaters by patting them on the head and telling them that cheating is just part of their personality! Have you ever been on the receiving end of the cheating or do you just do it yourself? I've been both. I had an affair on my husband. We separated when I wanted to sleep with the other guy because I wanted to explore my feelings with him, but the whole time I was being seduced by this other man who was not my husband, he was courting someone else and sharing the same words with her he was sharing with me. And it's not like it was an impulse on his part. He could have stopped it if he was feeling really bad about it, but you know, he didn't tell his first wife when we first met and were fucking around online so I doubt he told his current wife about us fucking around and the supposed love affair we had. I also doubt he'd tell her about any of the other mistresses he has stashed else where because I'm pretty sure he did and still does. That's not someone who has a hard time communicating, that's someone who has a hard time keeping his lies straight. That's a sociopath.
@@danielgreenwald4517 you're so right.
Amen! Don't let a Man or Woman Dumped you Twice. A one nite stand CAN be forgivable. But a Cheater is Professional liar. When he was with her...He constantly lied to you. Unforgivable.
I would never be able to get over any act of cheating from a partner to ever be able to make it work again. No matter how much I loved them. The trust is shattered beyond repair.
Exactly. I would rather have someone I love break up with me, be truthful and say I don't want to be in this relationship any more (for what ever reason-the reason doesn't matter) than to find out they cheated behind my back, lied, etc.....Sure, I would be hurt, maybe devastated but not to the point of how I would feel if someone cheated, lied over & over, etc....
True. Paranoia will always be part of the relationship and I just dont want that stress. I would have rather loved and lost than to stay with someone i cannot even trust
The whole point of Esther's work is that it doesn't have to be. There are ways to heal from the betrayal. Not always, but it's not always the end of the relationship - it may just be the beginning of a necessary change within it.
LilJon12, note the use of ever, never, the finality in your words? I empathize with your hurt, but if you carry those into new relationships, it will replay the same story. Not being preachy, it's happened to me several times then I learnt this about myself.
@@mostlyme910 I don’t know about you but every time I use absolutes in my dictionary usually Life would force me to eat my words later on.
Been there, and because of that Done that. The best thing to do is ending it. Nothing will ever be the same in the relationship. Great video and advice.. 👍🙏✌
I have been married to my husband for 22 years and around 10 years ago I found out on Facebook that he was cheating. He continued to cheat on me with more than one women and over a few years of it happening , I cheated as well. I worked through it with him and it was incredibly hard and took a long time, some counseling and some real honest inner work but now we are sooo in love and balanced and into each other like never before. Why did I stay in the first place? I really love everything about him, how he loves me, even then, who he is and how he thinks all turn me on. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I was devastated when I found out, but it ended up being the best thing to ever happen in our relationship.
You also cheated? You lowered yourself
@@saliberisha1000don't say happy cheaters please 😂😂😂😂😂🙏
But there's a possibility that people who are serial cheaters are less likely to seek professional help because they are not seeing it as a problem. Hence, lowing down the percentage of serial cheaters in data collected in the clinical context.
Love You and your way of thinking People eat (cheat) because they are hungry, hunger could be emotional, psychological or physical.
I cheated on my HS gf on the first year of college. This was 17 years ago. I have NEVER cheated since and I'll put my money that I'll never cheat again. I got cheated by my second gf and it was very devastating. But after the trauma was gone (took years) , I realized how much more committed I was to never put someone I love through that again. But don't be naive, keep good communication and avoid dangerous situations.
I loved that answer!! You have to look at any situation as a case by case basis, because the totality of circumstances will always vary.
That's relativisation. Everything vary.
The problem is that the border was crossed. Next time it will be easier for that person.
Your comment is like you were cheating or.. take sb back after cheating (becouse of fear or wellbeeing).
I made my decision. I will not give sb another bullet to kill me when he/she already killed sb else.
Why she gotta seduce us with her beautiful accent, mind and sassy hair right here in front of my dinner?
The nerve!
Candice Marquette Lol
Ha ha ha!!! 😄
lol you know what you were getting into when you clicked this video haha
😂
Lolol
The best advice I've heard in dealing with cheaters: if you feel like staying with someone who has cheated on you, will change your core spirit, it's best to leave.
How do you know it will change you? If you become someone who is constantly anxious, uncomfortable, untrusting of your partner.
I dont really agree with her. When my husband and I got married we were both very clear with each other that we are there for each other but infidelity is a deal breaker, no excuses. If u want to have sex with someone else then off with u (and dont come back). It's a conscious choice your spouse or someone else. Not only does infidelity cause emotional damage but also exposes the spouse to STDs which are rampant these days, regardless of how careful people are.
Personally, i dont think i can commence a relationship with someone who cheated. Because what i can forgive and what i can forget are not always the same.
She's right. Had i watched this at the time of the incident i would have had a few choice words to say but with 5 years distance and a better marriage now i can say she is right and what she says rings true from the lengthy discussions my husband and i have had over the years since we have come to the point of talking rationally about events.
And those discussions can be really, really tough, cant they? They shake the foundations and you have to hang on sometimes. But talking honestly is the only way- for BOTH parties.
If I may ask, how has the relationship evolved in the meantime? Is it still good, better, or has it ended? Do you regret staying or are you happy you did?
If they crossed a line that they did not know they would cross, then how do they know they would not cross a similar line if the circumstances were similar?
Because it comes down to character, you are the type of person that will cheat or you are the type that won't.
What a brilliantly cynical comment.
So unless someone is infallible, they don't have "character"?
If you are judgmental you will never be able to understand why anything happens.
Chris Sanchez
Do not judge. If they crossed a line they did not know they would cross, the same could happen to you.
Cross that line and keep on walking
@@patrik5123 oh so you have to be infallible not to cheat?
Cheating is the worst action I have ever taken.the aftermath of it is awefull. It gave me a reason to work on my emotions and turned out I was very emotional unstable.i still see a therapist to deal with the pain I feel and the pain I cost my love one and her family. Am still working on self forgiveness. My advice to anyone that’s thinking of cheating don’t do it. If you love the person don’t do it. Taking this action is not worth loosing something real. I agree with the video.People can learn from bad choices made. The trauma and nightmares alone should be enough for you to say hell no! Never again. You’re more than that better than that prove it to your self.
As a lady that has gone through some share of emotional and psychological abuse from a narcissist i have learnt to run away when I see any traits of dishonesty and selfishness but sometimes you can’t really know until it happens and I discovered a way to find out before I become a victim again , I was cheated on and betrayed by my partner and blamed myself who his promiscuous behavior until I hacked his device and read through his chat and social media account before I discovered I was being played by someone I gave my totality to , really we have to be wise and know who to give our undying love and respect to, I have more information in my comment section
Zyonbinary7
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Gmail
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Com
That was incredibly compassionate. I don’t believe in giving someone a feee pass but it is good to value family. It’s easy to throw people away and I love that she encourages forgiveness.
I just love you so much! What a truly inspiring woman you are! I’m already 33 years old but I want to say this with some humor: “when I grow up, I want to be like Esther Perel” :)
Absolutely. You are so right. Not a single note of hesitation in her speech.
Amen
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The problem is cheating doesn't just happen...you're well aware of it happening every step of the way when you meet your new love interest. You even thought about what your partner might think and still go ahead with it...
Whatever. You aren't "not a murderer" because you didn't murder someone for 10, 20, 30 years. You did it once and that's all that matters. It says a lot about your character. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It's not that hard not to lie and cheat. If you don't want the relationship, break up. Don't cheat.
Agreed. Even if you only cheated once, cheating still takes some effort - the sneaky text messages, the secret plans - all while looking your partner in the eye and lying. I'll never be able to trust my partner again even if he promises he will never do it again.
They are "not a murderer" if they've gone for so long without killing and don't feel the need to do so anymore. Yes theres a chance it could happen again but thats how it is with literally everything. People can work on themselves and change over time. Yall saying that no matter what they'll still be trash (basically what you're saying) just makes them feel trapped like even if they work on themselves they'll never be able to be a good monogamous partner. It makes it even more difficult to work on it and yourself since you're just constantly being told you're going to fail. People recover from cheating and don't do it again. For you to say they don't just shows your ignorance about this and the other POV.
People change,anyone can change.Some people weren't trained or had examples of what a good man or woman is for them to emulate.. so what you emulate so well and find so easy to be isnt necessarily someone else's reality ...people have wounds ,issues from their upbringings.That they need to work out in therapy and need healing and re parenting,training.When you know better you do better with a healthy mind..healed and not from a bitter ,hurt, distorted view.
Even you have things you're probably struggling to overcome,quit ,have your own short comings..do they define you ?absolutely not...not every cheat will always be a cheat. Because where theres a will theres a way.
Men should know their value u don't want a women who doesn't respect u ...
@@mandadinarayana4909 is not always a respect issue
The issue is much more complex than approached and discussed here. 💓
To cheat is a bad verb to describe What really is going on. It is about love, passion, responsibility and... hurt. An affair is also to flirty, it isn't a boudoir either... R.E.S.P.E.C.T for Every one envolved, please.
'Cheat' is an extremely powerful word and a 'master status'- it blames, it fixes, it stains, it justifies, it comforts in hurt, it bonds in fear and loss. What is does not do is repair, heal, accept, open; it does not allow for courage, growth, magnificence, respect, intimacy, movement towards a better place with yourself and any other who can journey with you. This requires a different vocabulary, but it may take a superhuman effort to begin talking it.
Wow, this deservers more than an applause. This is a nobel prize winning speech. Outstanding.
Ive endured 3 years of getting cheated on randomly with randoms...we had to delete all our social media AGAIN just to get peace..n idk how long itl last. Im starting to hate him after 9 years of being together. I think i already do. Even tho i say i love him...
Ugh, that's terrible. I couldn't stay in that situation. Once almost killed me.
I believe that if someone cheats after 15+ years of a solid relationship, forgiveness should be strongly accepted. If less than 3 years - pull the plug!
If 15 years didn´t mean anything when a cheater decided to deceive, Why should I consider get him/her back instead of move on and getting somenone better then? too much work just for fixing something got damaged so easly.
*You should forgive a cheater and move on remembering the good times (regardless of length of relationship). Don’t hold a grudge or be mean spirited towards because they preferred to be with someone else and mislead you. One time is more than enough because cheaters think you deserve to be cheated on and made a conscious decision to betray you. You should never confront a cheater showing anger, frustration and upset because it’s meaningless; It’s only an ego stroke and laughing material for them. Cheaters don’t care what you think, how you feel or how their cheating affects you. Cheaters pretend to be remorseful when they’re caught, some will provide an Oscar worthy performance while crying saying they regret their actions. Ending a relationship with a cheater is the most unselfish thing you could ever do for someone else. It allows them to opportunity to have a clear conscience, get with others guilt free without all the misleading and sneaking around. Forgiveness does not mean you have to stay in the relationship. People can change, just let them change after you cut ties with them that way their a better version of themselves for their next relationship.* Am I wrong?
Wtf
Praise the Lord for this message. I feel like the world looks at me as a weak loser for granting forgiveness, choosing to not break apart my family of two young children, and fighting the TOUGH fight of restoration. They think I have no self worth when really I am far stronger than them because of the hard sacrifices I’ve made. All I can say is I wouldn’t want to be in a foxhole with most of society by my side. I am a man of faith and I’ll tell you…Jesus forgave me of all of my sins and I’m trying to be like Him. It wasn’t an easy life for Him and it’s not for the betrayed spouses out there. Also, when I took my vows, I said “For better OR WORSE”. Now I’m making the worse into something better. Thanks for this message.
Couldn’t agree more about the strength it takes to heal and rebuild, walking away seems so much easier.
How far are you into your journey with this?
Oh. Wow. The last few ending statements are so powerful and refreshing and reassuring. Really brings healing...
For me, it's not even a question of recidivism because it doesn't matter if the unfaithful partner never cheats again. A self-actualized cheater can try their "new and improved" way to communicate their dissatisfaction with someone else. Therapy would only serve to discover what caused the disaster, in order not to repeat it in the next relationship.
Trusting your intuition is the most difficult
FOR MARRIED PEOPLE: In my opinion, the feeling that you get in an affair can NEVER be love. Love comes from God, the same God who designed marriage and commanded us to honor it. I truly believe that God will not contradict Himself and put love in your heart for someone else other than your spouse. The feeling you have for the other person can be LUST, ATTRACTION, ADMIRATION, or any other feeling that satan will USE to destroy your marriage (and push you to break the VOW that you made before God). The devil will make you believe that what you feel for this other person is love when in fact it really ISN'T. That's what satan does. That's the reason he's called a LIAR and a DESTROYER.
I am a man who has cheated. Did it made me better. No. It feels like an invisible cage that intrap you. I don't have a desire to cheat. So now I am single. Perfection is such a hard thing to optain.
Invisible cage ✅
Does it hurt when people say once a cheater always a cheater?
It hurts me bc it made me feel like there was no point in even trying to change (I didnt work on myself and im good now btw) and that no matter what I'll always be that way.... was just wondering if this was your experience as well?
Wow ur statement is very interesting!
@@raebaby4600 do u know the actual reasons why u cheated? Was there anyone that u didn’t cheat on ? I’m just really curious I never knew it was like that hard to not be loyal and faithful but it seems like it is which is scary
I am absolutely against her version that we want too much from our partners. This that is usually provide from all village in the past is very simply to be provided from 1 person now. For example if you want to visit other continent all you need is to bye a ticket. If you forgive your partner, you teach him/her to stay the same. To be married few times for the same person - there is no love, there is benefit and interests. Love don't tolerate replacement.
Why do I continue in a marriage that has caused me and my children so much pain over three decades of affairs, the lies and the heart breaking emotion of living with someone who professes to love us yet discarded us for one nite stands The terrible effect its had on me and my children and family life has been terrible. I truly thought keeping the family together was for the best, the childrens mental health and mine have been effected awfully and all for what. For us the cheating never stopped.
That woman gives a free pass to unacceptable behavior. She must have had a cheating spouse, accepted his transgressions to save face and started making speeches on "forgiveness" to make money. Don't listen to her. Your gut and mind know better. Do what's best for you, not what some Esther says.
In many cases, I don't believe people are bad, but people make bad choices.
Agree with you there Esther. Narcissists tend to believe that they are "above the law" and can do whatever they want.
You make an excellent point and something I have been talking about for a week. As a person who made a bad choice, we have that reputation about ourselves that people judge us and make us seem like bad human beings. But are we? NO WAY! Good human beings can make bad choices. It's human nature. In fact, what do we have to gain if we don't make make poor decisions? Nothing...
PS...I'm not a fan of narcissist for that fact! :-)
@@jaimemarchese11
Totally agree. Life puts us through challenges, and we're all just mortal human beings. Not a single one of us are flawless.
No fan either. Used to be in a relationship with one. She made my life hell, and it took me 4 years to get rid of her.
Every time I watch Ester I regain my faith in humankind
5 affairs thats all i gotta say. They do it once they ll do it again. No remorse from her whatsoever. N on top of all that she blames me for her action. Can we all say narcissist. Esther thank you but yes they will do it again. So if they cant comunicate what makes u think they ll able to comminicate later. Makes no sense what n how they act. U cheat u deal with the consequences plain n simple.
You're the wisest. Can't wait for the next season of Where Should We Begin
Generally a person who has a history of one behaviour is likely to repeat it. Ofc you can have different degrees of the problem and if adressed the person can change.
This is how courts view criminal behaviour.
Sometimes Reviews and thinking out loud. Courts are wrong ALOT of times
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That's true. Old habits die hard. Not to mention the logistics behind it all, if your partner makes sure 90% of your desires are met and you are willing to cheat and trade the 90% for the 10%, it shows narcissism, selfishness, stupidity, lack of self control and mainly some inner issues and compulsory behavior.
Of course not all cheaters are stupid to willingly give up 90% for 10%, but they wish the 100% the best of both worlds, which is unrelistic, as humanity is limited biologically from ever achieving 100%, we are limited from feeling happy most of the time and only get tiny precious moments to satisfy and enlighten us and make our hard work worth it.
Whoever doesn't realize this is on one way street to utter misery for himself and others.
Criminal behaviour and cheating on your partner are two very different things. To be frank, I’ve known people who cheated and I honestly couldn’t blame them. Did I think that they should have left the relationship they were in? Yes. But could I fully understand why they did what they did given how their partner at the time was treating them? 100% yes.
@@Julia36D It's not criminal behavior, but it's essentially breaking the foundation of trust on which most marriages are built and with that, everything looses meaning and falls apart.
The simple fact that people attempt to normalize cheating, makes the whole idea of marriage and vows a joke, because at the smallest inconvenience they will go cheat and it's most often an excuse to renounce the responsibilities the current partnership places on them and to restart that honey moon phase that every beginning of relationship and marriage has.
It's an act of cowardice, immaturity and entitlement and the reason why many people have trust issues even before getting married.
As someone that has seen one of my own friends and my ex-boyfriend's female friends touch him on his thighs, near the private areas and even telling him they are better than me and could have him at any times, i realized there are many people in this world that have no boundaries or dignity, so my entire trust hanged on my boyfriend's integrity and honesty, because i would never consume my time and life acting like a detective or forbidding social interactions with other women.
However infidelity is advertised as perfectly natural for the males around me (all my male friends say: all men cheat) and things like taking your marriage seriously and spending more time at home than with the buddies out drinking are seen as "being whipped", which is why i will never be able to take a man's vows of commitment seriously, which at this point makes marriage worthless for me and with it also relationships and with this also most interactions with men.
What people commonly don't realize are the social repercussions of trying to excuse infidelity, of witnessing many marriages fall apart because of it, alongside the current male narrative about how they are biologically inclined to polyamory, on people like me that do take such vows seriously, even if it means i will have to invest, compromise and sacrifice more than i would want to and the results are showing tbh, with declining marriage rates and increased divorces, even in countries with very different divorce and child-support policies than USA.
To all who are about to cheat or thinking about it: Don't Do It !
I used to cheated once on my ex and I feel so horrible days by days ever since, years pass now and I still never dare to cheat again
Trust me, it not only destroy your partner but also yourself as well. You will come to regret it later and you'll find a hard time forgiving yourself.
If you want to have fun, please just don't get into a relationship
Psychology today published a study that cheaters are 350 percent more likely to cheat again. So the saying is backed by facts
You do realize that the question is if someone ever cheated would the do it in any relationship, not in the situation you describe.
top comment.
Very profound and inciteful advice. nothing on earth is totally black or white! This woman is a relationship genius!
The real problem with a relationship where one or the other partner cheats is a lack of honesty and openness.
Yes!
Or controlling/ judgemental behaviour by one , so the other feels claustrophobic
cheating is lying........humans will lie whenever it suits their ego. the question is how will the lie take shape? not why? because lie we can, lie we will. the truth is always the deep secret.
Can i trust what I am sensing, can I trust my intuition. Learn to See what you see and to interpret what you see differently and if you feel certain thing again this time you know. And you make your decision. To express dissatisfaction, choose lousy ways to express, where Get stuck, Get out. Change relationship, or end.
Yeah I believe once a cheater always a cheater. It looks like they will never do it again because next time they’ll cover their tracks better.
I feel so sorry for those cheaters who changed for the better being grouped up with the cheaters who are willing to cheat again.
JPT You must be a former cheater.
@@missxmarvel yep, and I understand your rage and anger towards it tho.
I was young and stupid, back in high school (10 years ago) I cheated on my ex and I felt terrible/awful seeing her emotionally in pain, crying and sobbing.
You see, there’s this toxic mindset passed to us by our elders when we’re in a relationship at our teenager years. “Make the best of your teenage life because your partner now may not be your partner for life”.
And I regretted following that damn advice, like I said, I was young and stupid.
JPT If you are old enough to behave like a dick then you are old enough to be held accountable so please don’t give me the “I was Young” scenario. You can’t blame your parents either because it was still your decision to betray her trust.
Yes your teenage girlfriend might not stay with you until old age but it’s still no excuse to start a relationship with her and then do something like that. Your friends you had as a kid might not be your friends for life so does that excuse you to take advantage of their time and generosity? No, Ofcourse not.
Life is indeed short and you need to live while you can but if your actions create victims then it’s not worth it. I stayed clear from dating in high school because I know the BF might break up with me and I don’t feel motivated to focus on my future. And I wanted to chat and befriend anyone instead of being stuck with one guy.
I’m going easy on you because you seem like a man with redeeming qualities.
@@missxmarvel yep and I take no offense in that, those mistakes were a lesson. Never going back to that vile version of myself.
Currently happy with my girlfriend of 3 years.
I sense a lot of anger in you, but it’s understandable.
I hope you’ll find your Forrest Gump.
I completely agree with your assessment Esther. People change if they are given room to do so.
My dear friend who is 89 has taught me a lot about cheating. He had affairs on his first wife. He never cheated on his 2nd wife of many years.
Why did he cheat on one but not the other?
You need to give the person for your own well being because you will define your life just as must as you define there's forgiveness is the key to moving forward out of a traumatic situation,Esther is awesome
I do believe that Jordan Peterson’s view on cheating is more spot on.
I have been married for 8 yrs.My husband is 8 years younger than me.He is 33.Im a housewife.He has been cheating multiple times since the 4th year of our marriage.The fact is that I love him is more than I want to leave him.Everytime we fight due to the trigger I experience about his cheating, he always shout to me: If you cant stand of my cheating acts then why dont you leave and what else do you want from me?...that were his repetitive sentence everytime I triggered.
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Esther makes sense. However, if the cheating happened to her or her daughter/son. I am not so sure she will approach it the same way. Cheating is not only a sexual escape, but reveals the character, or lack of it, of the cheater. The person has no integrity, morality, responsibility and loyalty or self-respect. The cheating destroys trust and will be a dead weight on the relationship if it survives. In the end, the cheater had a choice and the cheatee must choose as well. I believe this is a personal decision that must be weighted carefully, especially if kids are involved. Cheating should have severe consequences for the cheater. This is why it results in death in some cultures, as Esther pointed out.
Note that her perspective is "my practice", "my office". So she makes good points, but they're relevant to only SOME cheaters. Most cheaters don't seek therapy.
I think you are truly amazing! Everyone can learn something from you. Thankyou for making this available to us all, I personally appreciate it immensely.
18 years with the same lady she did it 2 times could never trust her broke my heart got a son would never go out to affairs not going together
Leave, your son will understand and respect you for this decision.
What you say, Esther, is so true in my experience. I betrayed the trust of my wife before deciding to end the marriage and move on with someone else. Eventually, I had a small number of serious relationships where I confided (and accepted the blame) about my past with my new partner. What I wanted to convey is that I learned about cheating from the inside out, and now was fully committed to never allowing conditions for this to happen again. In other words, owning my past as a way to start with a clean slate. One partner was too insecure (due to having been betrayed by too many men) to accept my "rehabilitation," but the others came to appreciate my openness and trust my fidelity with little hesitation. All is well.
You are a good man.
Do you ever wish you had still been with your original wife?
@@blueseptember2174 In a word, no. My decision to leave was based on substantive relationship issues, so leaving the marriage was a rational (though hurtful!) response to the fraying of our relationship.
@@ronlight7013 aww so you're a special unicorn.
Man this is so hard. Going through this currently but it is helpful to know that things happen in relationships. They just do. Good or bad. Though it sucks when it does happen in good relationships cause I could never think of cheating. Agh. Stay strong peeps, I’m with ya!
Hope you heal and get therapy
@@antoinelyons5323 thank you!!! :)))
I never cheated, either. Even when I wanted! Find a Therapist with a minimum of 15 to 20 years. Good Luck. Life is a challenge for people who have empathy.
@@kirstinstrand6292 Thanks so much. I needed to hear this. Me too. It’s really not even “tempting” to me. I’ll never understand, but you’re right. Empaths have it hard, don’t we? The world is way too hard to live in for us. Sending hugs!
@@Michael-bf1dt hey Michael! Thanks so much for saying this. It really made my day a bit more(: Have a wonderful and happy day🌹
Yes!!! Trusting what I see what I feel! Thank you Esther ❤️
It's definitely true in my experience. Be wary of them accusing you of cheating. That is a sign that they are or are considering it.
I will never forgive a cheater because i am very faithful and it hurts so much
Then don't put that much love and trust in anyone. Unless one gives you a disease, or tries to kill ya out of their cheating, just leave a bf or gf. I don't hate, I just leave.
@@MACX-eb3cn Instead of trying to find out why they have cheated? not very wise. Perhaps you may learn something about yourself?
Yeah, like perhaps she has better things to do.
I don't believe a cheater is always a cheater. People can change, and I've seen it first hand. I have helped with many relationships, and there was always a positive outcome. This belief that someone is always whatever it may be is always an unhealthy way to think about others. Having a vengeful heart towards another is never okay. We have all done something we are not proud of, so forgive them and leave it in the past.
The cheaters ability to change only benefits THEM, NOT the person/family they betrayed. The emotionally abused spouse will always have to live with the effects of who their partner was REGARDLESS of who their partner chooses to become.
Ex: A murderer at age 20 may not be a murderer at age 40, but the family of the person the murderer killed at age 20 must STILL live the rest of their lives without their loved one REGARDLESS OF the murderer's reformation. Should the murderer be permitted to live amongst the family of the person they murdered just because they've "changed?"
@@TomikaKelly That's why it is important to move on.
@TomikaKelly Also people need to stop using murder as an example. Murder is a whole other ballgame and is way more serious than cheating.
We all know the rules when in a relationship once they do it once it's over ! And was it once or is it the first time they have been caught if your too weak 2 walk away then you only have yourself to blame or live the rest of your life worrying that there going to do it again ! Harsh but true
A very powerful reply to this question! Thank you ❤
Without sincerity you have nothing in any type of relationship, whether it be personal, business or just friendship. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Just my opinion for what it's worth.
There are many forms of cheating. not just physical cheating. emotional affairs can also be considered cheating.. i see that most comments below are more towards physical cheating. would your views towards emotional cheating be the same as physical cheating? curious to find out what most peoples views are on this! and whats the reason for any differences in views.
I think emotional cheating is as damaging as physical cheating. For me both are a deal breaker.
Esther i really am addicted to your videos, you give a sense of hope. Thank you for your content.
An eye opening view of fidelity issue in a relationship. Thank you for posting this!
My husband had a three year affair, we are going through a divorce but he is not remorseful. Is this a normal behaviour? Pls help
Lola Ballantyne I’m not Ester answering but if it helps you with something: my boyfriend cheated on my for years and he wouldn’t feel bad eather; my conclusion after looking at his behavior is simple: he was SO extremely selfish that he wouldn’t even imagine that I was emotionally destroyed by his actions, he had such a lack of empathy that he was un capable of caring about my pain or even thinking he is not the center of the universe, for him it was a matter of taking whatever he wanted whenever he wanted no matter the price to fulfill his desires, I was simply yet another of his life’s tools for happiness; it would never occurred to him that I was a person with her own feelings and seek for happiness... it is extremely painful (it took me more than 2 years and counting) to recover from being seen as an object for years, the most important is to remember this: THEY are the ones wrong, they are the ones who are not honest with even themselves, they are the selfish who don’t even know what they want to be happy... those people don’t know how to love, they don’t love you, nor the other person! They just selfishly love themselves, a person like that is not worth to be with... I hope to help, from heart!!
It sounds like it's *his* behavior, Lola Ballantyne. If a person cannot take ownership of how their behavior has affected you, it tells you everything you need to know about them.
+Carmen* yes that does help, thanks.
@@Carmen-mp3je I feel every single word you said, and my heart goes out to you. For I am going through a very similar situation, and for the second time already. Still struggling between “trying harder, give it another shot at least” and just simply get up and walk away... Ya, the other person is not remorseful. And I wonder will they ever be.
Paul Yeung What's the saying, "Fooled me once, shame on you. Fooled me twice, shame on me." Don't let it happen a 3rd time. Run asap.
You are so insightful and your lectures and books are the place to go for me when I feel the need to understand more relationships. I sincerely hope someday you start teaching therapists and some of your scholars come to Bulgaria to work. I am in dire need of a good therapist who is searching for the truth and not repeating the dogmatic things they learned in school.
It's simple, you split & change the dynamic. He or She simple becomes a 'arms length' friend that you don't share a bedroom with. It's taken me years to learn this, trust no one and understand the reality of the person you are dealing with.
"Trust no one" is just sad. Just bc you get hurt doesn't mean you should close yourself off from the world.
@@raebaby4600 It depends how hurt you have been. I was cheated on more than once and my BF at that time denied it, but I knew he was cheating. It destroyed my self confidence and men became a turn off for me. I am now a sexual and I highly recommend it. No men wanted or needed! Perfect solution.
@@newworldlove7031 that is the opposite of a solution for most people especially those with high sex drives. Sex is a stress relief for a lot of people.
@@raebaby4600 I prefer meditation and yoga and playing with my cat. Men are programed to cheat in order to keep human race going. I prefer my approach, its rock solid. No one gets into my heart or mind to harm me ever again.
@@newworldlove7031 men aren't programed to cheat. Our species isn't even meant to be monogamous its just become the norm bc of religion.
Slept with My friend of 20 years.
And My Best friend died in 2019.
And My dad died in 2019.
They both consoled me through that, and then slept together.
I'm so Fuckin hurt.
It is so easy to forgive but not to forget. You will always have a gut feeling that he is still communicating with the same person. Do you think a person will able to change ? Even if forgive him for cheating on you twice ?
I agree, but she only touch based on one type of cheating. Someone who is married and slipped up once. What about people who hold relationships, not just a one time thing? Like they're with someone, then start another relationship for months with someone else. Eventually breaks it off and stays with the other person. But then they do it again in that relationship. Like a pattern. Not just like sleeping around with a bunch of people cheating, but having multiple relationships cheating. I mean clearly they aren't happy in the relationship they're in or they wouldn't look to start another with someone else, but why can't they break it off first? Instead each relationship is started by cheating.