Dating Advice: How To Turn a Spark into a Flame
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- Опубліковано 30 сер 2022
- First dates run the gamut-they can be exciting, exhausting, mysterious, boring, easy, or laborious. What determines the success or disappointment of a first date has less to do with an immediate spark and more to do with creating the right conditions for turning that spark into a lingering flame that leaves us burning to experience more. When we’re just beginning to connect with a new person, it’s all about context, education, seduction, and connection. When dating is tough, it can feel like a game that we don’t know how to play. But by focusing on these four areas, we can revel in un-gamified playfulness-that quality of romance, humor, and ease that, when combined with an authentic connection, inspires both parties to go deeper.
To go deeper on this topic, visit the blog on this topic at bit.ly/3pYkR9j and sign up for my newsletter to explore a new theme with me each month.
The instrumental and calculating 'job interview' type dating seems to have been imported from the US. especially in light of internet and app-enabled dating which has made it so much easier to churn though potential 'candidates'. It's probably never been so easy to get dates but so easy to (wrongly) reject the right partner because you aren't superficially Impressed quickly enough. If I look back, the relationships that have meant the most to me in my life did not result from an instant attraction but instead needed time to develop perhaps in spite of myself. It's like these women unlocked a part of me I didn't know existed.
I don’t
It seems to me like "hot-housing a relationship, which puts a lot of pressure on people. It might work for some but not everyone.
I agree with you completely. Why has it become a game of winning and losing now!
Insightful and helpful comment - thank you for sharing 🙏🏾
It's more common in Japan and Korea, where strangers can hand out a 'resume' to potential partners and it reads like a Wikipedia page. Age, height, annual income, job references (not social).
My now husband's first "date" with me was a 5-day road trip across the country a week after we first met while barhopping with a few friends. His exact wording was "would you like to go treasure hunting with me? I have a treasure map in a poem." (It was Forrest Fenn's treasure) We ended up visiting hot springs, cooking together, going camping under the stars at White Sands Desert (HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!), and each one of those memories are absolute treasures to us. We always try to keep doing moving activities on our "dates" and I'm just as much (probably more actually) as during that first road trip together. Such great advice, as always!
This could be a potential disaster waiting to happen!
@@robertmahler8894 if you will be too cautious you won’t have a good time. You have to let your hair down and just be yourself.
I have never ever tried to impress a guy. Always being yourself confident helps to get to know each other at ease.
what a great story!! thank u for sharing
Now that's love bombing 💣
This is a cute story but the truth is that most men would end that road trip with a “I’m not ready for a serious relationship right now”…
Meeting someone for the first time is stressful enough. If someone had told me he is coming with a bunch of friends I would definitely cancel 😑
oh god yes, the level of anxiety would be unbearable
Only if their friends are mean, judgemental and not welcoming you as a potentially new member of the group (or so). And if so, maybe the person you're dating isn't the right one for you. As Esther said: you can get a lot of information by seeing someone in their group :)
Maybe with this point of view on the matter, you can overcome your anxiety in favor of getting information.
Ya it’s maybe good 3rd or 4th date to meet the friends. After at least 2 dates and you know you want to date him more and learn more about him. Friends will definitely tell a lot about the guy
😂
Not only that. Friends can be jealous, prejudiced, unintelligent, intolerant, all that X10 if you don't look like, speak like, dress like, or think like All of them. I routinely jumped through hoops to prove myself when I was younger without thinking about it, with or without a love interest, but it Sounds f#cking awful at 40.
Absolutely agree most first dates feel like job interviews in fact I get more feeling out of business meetings than most first dates. Most people go into first dates hoping for spark but if they don’t feel it in the first 10 minutes they check out emotionally.
Thank you, Esther. I often find that on dates - especially first dates - that as a man (I am sure women feel this too), I must have something to sell: the _growing_ salary and career, the car, the house, the status, the cultural adherent demeanour, the confidence... I see that you have a book called _Expressionism_ sat there behind you on the bookshelf. That is what is lacking in meeting/dating, and in relationships: *expressionism* . I have felt that I cannot truly express my authenticity when meeting women because of the idea of dating ‘rules’ and that sell, sell, sell. You are spot on! I just want a good time with whom I am meeting, forget that it’s a “date” and have a laugh for the afternoon, the evening, or whatever. Just to let our authenticities _naturally emanate_ for the time that we have.
Thanks for sharing, and I agree with what you're saying about expressing yourself is very important - and I also believe that's one reason Mrs. Perel recommends having dates with some kind of activity. You get to see who the other person is in more context than just drinks or what not. Even a walk is better than sitting in a busy café.
However, I'm curious have you ever wondered where this selling mentality comes from? Because, and I may be wrong here, it may say something about you, and not just the dating culture you live in.
In my experience, good people aren't interested in anything you feel like you need to sell. If they don't appreciate you for who you are, they're not worth your time.
Or, possibly, they're not seeing who you are because instead of being who you truly are, you are selling what you unconsciously think your dates are interested in. Or I may be completely wrong here. Just thought I'd share.
Take care, and all the best!
@@Mindseas You are right. From the first moment, I was always told that I must pay on the first date (or really to stop _her_ from paying), and this is “showing respect for her”. I have never understood that. I feel my hand ‘forced’ to my wallet when we meet. Don’t get me wrong, I often see a near-empty glass(es) of a friend(s) and say, “What are you drinking, mate?”, and I can easily do the same on a date. That’s normal to me as I am good natured like that. On dates though, I have _no_ choice, since I _must_ pay, etc. It’s not about the money actually, but about my self-empowerment and how I carry myself and my self well when we meet up. As a spiritual thinker, I find that, in my heart, there are many different ‘good man types’ out there (and also different ‘good women types’ too), but I am told that there is only _one_ ‘good man type’ that is culturally/societally acceptable: ‘Gentleman’. So the question is: “Am I a gentleman? Yes or no.” That is all I am given. I cannot answer with: “I cannot answer that because...” It must be “Yes” or “No”. That’s it. ‘Gentleman’ is _a_ good man type for sure and I will naturally have some ‘gentlemanly’ traits in my character, I respect that and for those who feel that way, but I was told that it must be the _only_ ‘good man type’ to have in my character and it had to be exclusive. It _must_ be about the doors, it _must_ be about the money, it _must_ be about the chairs at the dinner table, etc. I felt that I was in a straightjacket, and that I felt that I had to dispose - all or some of - my authenticity in that _who I am_ didn’t matter, that it was only _what I did_ that mattered, all the militancy of it. The self that I woke up to in the morning didn’t matter. That couldn’t be loved by any woman in my life. What mattered was _what_ I brought to the romantic table: the security, the containment, the safety, the protection, the higher annual salary, the greater height, the greater strength, the confidence (what’s left of it!), the greater assertiveness, the _only_ one coping in crises, the ‘sizable and workable prize below the belt’... As a man, I have felt that I _must_ have ‘the complete package’ to ‘sell’ to my date, I _must_ play the Western cultural ‘dating game’, instill the cultural values within my character and heart instead of my own values, else I should then just go home, live singly, and be out done with it. I am not desperate however, my experience has learned this! I am an authentic, a self-expressionist, because I find that _that_ is where my confidence is. In one of those strengths, I am told that I am best to be assertive, yet I feel _submissive_ to the culture. I am told that women like men who are assertive, so by being assertive because that is what my woman would want, am I being submissive in trying to be conformingly ‘assertive’? Who I am is in one location, and what I am told to ‘do’ culturally, is somewhere else entirely!
In my life, I have done absolutely everything to the best of my ability besides one thing that I simply cannot do as a man: give birth to a baby. Yet, I am still not right? Am I still not enough?
Superman says to Lois Lane: “Easy miss. I’ve got you. Lois Lane looks around and replies: “You’ve got me!? Who’s got you!”
Danny Zuko says to Sandy Olssen: “Maybe there’s two of us, right?”
Wow I’m sorry you feel that way. I think you should follow your true self when dating else you’re misrepresenting yourself. If you are someone who don’t like to pay for women on dates and see the paying as a shared responsibility then that is what you should do. Etiquette dictates that whomever ask the other out should pay.
I do believe that there are women who are willing to pay their share of the meal and may even pick up the tab. Those are the women you should look into.
Sometimes it’s not just society or that dictates what should sometimes it’s just a manifestation of your true nature. Most men consider themselves providers and protectors and so paying, opening doors and those type of things come naturally to them. They are also considerate so it’s easier.
And I in no way am saying you aren’t any of the above. However your mindset sometimes dictates your actions and feelings.
And maybe one day you will meet someone that makes you want to do everything freely without it feeling forced.
@@Lichfeldian--Suttonian So, what I read from that very eloquent comment is that you're not happy with how western society programs us to think men are expected to behave.
Good thing is that you can change that programming.
The very act of questioning these norms and unspoken truths is the path. Keep following it.
Be yourself, stubbornly so. There are plenty of good people in the world who don't give a damn what car you drive or how thick your wallet is. Find those people.
Screw the rest.
It will take time and a lot of work to reprogram these twisted ideals out of us, but it's worth it.
And, in the mean time, take good care of yourself!
@@Mindseas You are absolutely spot on! Very well put. And thank you so kindly. You look after yourself too.
On line dating has the serious and additional challenges of personal safety. The advice is excellent for relationship evaluation and development. No matter how wonderful someone appears to be, I would not go on a hike or anywhere that is isolating if your sole information is from the profile and your conversations with the partner candidate.
You must always put your emotions 2nd, and your safety first, especially when meeting someone is in reality a stranger to you.
Absolutely right
My god, where do you live?! It is completely safe to hike with someone on a date here in Europe.
It’s as safe to hike here as it is anywhere in the world.
My point is if you do not know the person well, and you just met or are meeting for the first time, you could be in the presence of someone it’s not safe to be with alone. You don’t know them; they could be the most charming, appearing successful, great looking and still a psychopath. My point is do not put yourself in a situation of isolation no matter how charming and successful someone is if you do not know them as in a first date you met on line.
I’m in the US and my statement has strictly to do with isolating yourself with someone in reality don’t know. It has nothing to do with hiking trails being unsafe. I hope this clarify my point.
One of my favorite first-date activities is going to roller skate. My first time, and he proved to be a great teacher. Even if it didn’t work out, it uplifted from the “chores” like dating a stranger to going on an adventure.
that's amazing! sounds like you'll have fun no matter what!
That was so pertinent and powerful. I recently ended a relationship (in the way you suggested, by being honest and respectful). This opened me up to meeting a lovely person with much more similar values and ideals. I will certainly be using the advice of context, education, seduction and connection to enrich and grow this journey. Thank you.
I often view my friends on apps seeming like they're shopping. People certainly have become commodities, with a view that there is always something better, more perfect around the corner available endlessly through apps. It is very depressing. With human life become capital, it makes sad sense. Bringing mystery and fun into the date is the best advice to get around this (Esther's advice is always perfect). Surprise them by being your self, do a fun activity that's a bit strange or unique. Also it helps if you're your real self on apps, rather than trying to sell a fake ideal. If you put out fakeness, you will attract fakeness. Be your real self and people who are interested in being the same will see it. Hopefully. I know its hard out there. Good luck everyone - hope you find love!
Please make more of this. Your advice is always so on point. This video in particular, I've never heard such a positive take on dating. Would truly appreciate a series on the topic. Thank you very much for sharing, your work is truly appreciated.
I loved the part about being honest with a date and tell them that you prefer to have more casual relationship than romantic. It makes everything so much easier, and shows the respect! Thank you so much for highlighting it!
Esther - You are a breath of fresh air. You provide all this priceless advice free of charge (not even UA-cam ads), and I can’t thank you enough!
Thank you for taking the time to think about us Esther. We truly appreciate your advise and wisdom. To cultivating Love Always
🎁🌺🥂
You are so right and this is what I miss. Tired of the interviews!
I just love the way you understand relationships! This is wonderful advice!
I loved how you explained in the terms of context, education, seduction, and connection. Thanks a lot. Your talks and thoughts are really helpful.
This was beautiful! ...yes, kindness has to be present ... thank you so much, Esther!
I adore the poetry in which Esther speaks about Love. Very wise words.
So simple yet so effective. Thank you!
Context, Education, Seduction, and Connection! 💎✍🏾📝
THANK YOU MRS. PEREL!
@Esther. You are amazing. Thanks for taking time and creating this. ❤
You amaze me. Lost my husband of 41 years 5 years ago. I have such a longing for love, intimacy, fun, and experiences in my life but dating seems so foreign to me. Your thoughts on dating were extremely insightful. Thank you!
How is it going now? Are you spiritual? Maybe you can connect with your husband in the other realm and help him to guide you towards a person that he feels would be really good for you and your soul?
Thank you, Esther , for those little & genuine tips🙏🏻😘 so appreciative of your work!
Kindness is key!!! Thanks for mentioning that Esther.
❤
Thank you Esther, is always a pleasure to listen what you have to say about modern dating! 💖
This is real GAME...honest connection as the PRIMARY goal
Thank you for these gems🙌
Such wisdom, joy and clarity. Thank you Esther!
I so appreciate this valuable advice - I am going on a date this weekend and haven't been on one in a while. This has come at the perfect time. Thank you Esther, you are a gem!
Check out the movie "Good Will Hunting" The girl matt Damon's character likes has playful down to a T. Her lines were written by two young men, after all.
Good luck and tons of fun for your date!
How miserable must a person be,
That they have to take advice from a lady like Esther,
On what to say, how to think, how to behave.
You got to really be dead inside to live this way.
Hello Lynn, how are you doing and the weather there?
Please i need a sponsor to Canada 🙏
Though I'm not entirely convinced you're actually addressing the topic of the video, I still find the concept very interesting, and have been doing this for a while now on my dates - activities that is. Museums, galleries, walks are all great in my experience.
However, I felt that the sound levels on this video are tad low, but it may be a device issue - I'll double check on another device and get back to you on that.
As always, thank you for sharing your thoughts, ever the pleasure to listen to 🙏
No, you're right. The sound is really low.
Truly, kindness is missing in modern dating...
People would prefer to string others along and not be bold enough to tell the truth, sadly.🤦🏽♀️
Wonderful insight thank you for sharing Esther, always grateful to learn from you…
Grateful for You @Esther Perel Looking forward to see you in Sydney 💝
That is the cutting edge of dating guide. Thank you! Wonderful 💕🙏🏻
Dear, dear Esther! You're so romantic with the objective truth! You are right in every detail of your analysis! Thank you! I hope young people would be able to listen to your wonderful advices... 🙏🌻
Beautifully said and shared information. Thank you. 😊
This is instantly the best dating insight from a woman on UA-cam I've found. I wish more people would talk about this. The transactional nature of dating is all men and women are talking about.
Agreed about the questions. In my fifties I don't care about someone's family background or the questions for arranged or younger marriages. I do care about children, how many, how old. Otherwise, there isn't much content out there for dating over 50. By the way, you're an excellent writer. Knowing seven languages comes across in your writing! You're full of knowledge.
Hello Cynthia, how are you doing and the weather there?
But what if you don’t have kids?
Esther coming through with the powerful insights as always ❤🙌🏼
Thanks Estel. Useful information.
Wonderful advice! Thank you 🌷
Spot on.Merci!
Thank you for this very helpful information, Esther.
Gems and yes the Where Should We Begin Game is absolutely fantastic.
Beautiful advice and you! Merci beaucoup!
JUST PERFECT. PERFECT TIMING. THANK YOU UNIVERSE AND DEAR ESTER. can’t wait to see you in Melbourne, already got tix.
Wonderful advice 🙏🏻🌹✨
Kindness and respect
Very helpful. Thanks. This sort of advise should be taught in schools.
FINALLY! Some common sense advice. For us seniors who are dating, the tendency to be information rather than story oriented is extreme.
Also: Will you please consider saying more about developing romances and First Dates AFTER a platonic friendship of some weeks or months has been established? (After you've figured out if you would even want this person as a friend, then the relationship could blossom into a romance.)
Please i need a sponsor to Canada
Fantastic advice, thank you
oddly, I've always compared job interviews to a first date, was I engaging, did I pay attention, did I meet the expectations, did I listen and pay attention to what was being said, Did I empathise, did I properly understand what was being said, was there spark, did I gel, did it turn into a relationship
So true...kindness is alot!! Just love youxx
Excellent Esther!! Totally agree
Great advice. Thank you Esther for sharing / posting these videos. We LOVE them!
True true. A little bit of magic is necessary and appreciated🙂
This is why I love the old movies. Class, integrity, beauty with the challenge of bringing in updated equality. Are we up for the challenge? 💕 Perfect time astrologically
I hope things are going well for you in your relationships 1 year later! ❤❤
Great talk, very relatable.
Bravo!
Very useful. Thank you
Bravo!! Encore!!
Lately was searching “Esther dating”. Actually, I would love to date her (her voice explores my mind :)). I wanted to get a piece of advice for dating. So here it is. I agree about what she said, particularly, to be kind and respectful. We do not bring a person to our friends circle immediately, only after while, though she is right we are much happier around friends and we interact differently and a person can see us in a different occasion. I ask everyone to inform a person if there is no interest and not make things looong. Life is short. Yeah, I am interested and not being available to meet is hurtful.
Thank you for these tips. 🙂
very inspiring... thank you so much 🌹🥰
Gorgeous cushion colours
Totally true, different story to put it into practice. However i was in the flow for a while and all her points were there for sure.
Excellent video
Great as always 👍
Love love love this !!!!
Thanks, Liz Truss!
Quelle vidéo courte et riche en infos. Merci. ☺️🌺
Thank you💛
Wow! … Wow! … Wow! What wisdom to share. Thank you, I needed to hear this.
Great points
Thank you!
Learning to live again, while mourning the loss of everything I've ever wanted.
You are brilliant!
NO NO No first date with a group or others. NO
Just you and the other person in a low stress environment.
Good advice.
The reason I hate the modern dating game is being described beautifully here. So glad I was right about it and not dellusional.
Love Esther!!!
Kindness always seems to be the answer
Beautiful!!
This is brilliant advice. I have been on many dates that men just interview me and ask where I went to college and I am in mid life - even if we aren't a match I always wish people well. I wish more men did this as many come across entitled and narcissistic - and almost never act with decency.
Always inspiring!! Thank you
Esther, you're sooo right! There's very little respect for each other nowadays, as normal human beings meeting for the first time.
Hey, you can't "shop" for a suitable partner by swiping so much! Finding love is a simple natural process of learning each other; and learning takes TIME. Seduction takes time... You made time to get your career to where you are right now. And, a suitable relationship requires the same approach. It's not instant coffee, folks!
Brilliant
The volume of this is really low. But profound talk. The part where you mentioned "seriously, does that make somebody interesting in that kind of a way" that's exactly what modern dating has become.
I just wanna show you my gratitude 🙏 namaste and hello from India ,
I really love your work the way you handle each client the example you gave us seriously life changing ive started to see relationship differently not with other but with me as well my words won't do justice to wht i actually feel thanks alot
Thank you for the wonderful advice you continue to enrich our lives with. I find your work very helpful.
My partner and I have been dating for 6 months and are thinking of marriage. We’re interested in pursuing non-religious premarital counseling and also an alternative book camp? We reside in Texas but don’t mind traveling internationally for the right set up.
Any suggestions?
We’re also interested in hiring you for one on one. Is that possible?
I'm getting to know someone right now and I dropped the list and it's fascinating once you do.
I like the pillows color.
Thanks
Thank you. I've always been uncomfortable with the interrogation style of dating and haven't done it for a long time because of that. If your life hasn't been generic or you've had a lot of difficulties it's hard to explain.
The challenge with showing that kindness is that sometimes they demand feedback. That makes it very difficult to not be offensive. :(
Do agree. Adventure is not on dating at all
I try follow these basic interactions, at least in my adult dating experience, and be as respectful as possible. I can't believe a video like this is necessary .. the amount of people I've met, of ALL ages who don't follow decent human interaction and aren't bothered to be respectful is infuriating .. loosing hope here! :D it can be difficult to communicate sometimes, but the point is to give it your best shot I think :))
You have just preached a very important sermon here!!!🗣👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Hello Nevi, how are you doing and the weather there?
I screwed up many dating/relationship building at the offset by making mistakes and not understanding how to learn about the other. Obviously, ended with relationships because the start was so off course. I listened to your video and now I'm prepared. Thanks, Esther.
jeeeez - I fall in love with you every time I see your videos ---- :))))
You are a gift to the world - Thank you
I would love for you to discuss what happens when you marry for survival and there was never spark. Can you talk a bit about that?
Dear Esther, you look beautifully!:) ❤
This women is so incredible, 🙂 a real expert in human relationships, yes we should be kind i think that it is the key :)