I have disorganized attachment style. I do not interesting with secure people. I have been in ra with anxious and avodinants before. When im with anxious people I feel do fucking overwhelmed and ick but when Im wirh avodinants I feel so turn on but I hate it at the same time. It is like a challenge for me and I love it so fucking much even it hurts me. So I really dont know how to fix my avodinant partner becaus eim deeply in love with him rn. Can you give me an advice how should I close an avodiant? It is there anything that I can do without scaring him
@@haihai5293 you’re right I like the coctail but I also love him too. It is really hard to be in this type of relationships. I think you are right we should move on
@@suzisuzim50 Im in this situation like you. Now i see how this relation destroying my health. I don't wants to be addicted to her and stupid silence and withdrawl after closness. Its very sick for US to stick with avoidants.
@@haihai5293 It really is. Sometimes I wanna be a healthy person mentally and in a relationship but sometimes I like it other way because it makes me more excited. Even I know its not healthy I just cant stop myself to get turn on by my avodinant partner. Also sometimes he acts like an anxious one. It is just an emotional chaos. We should definitly learn how to love and how to be in a healthy relationship.
It's not a wound, it is a clinical description of an infant's seperation anxiety in regard's to their caregiver's absence and return. Stop trying to make something into what it is not.
Yes it can feel invasive, cringey, as if someone is repeatedly overstepping a boundaries almost slightly feel disrespected (depending on circumstance), suffocating, uncomfortable, overstimulated or chaotic lol a few synonyms to describe the ick a lil more. It feels better/more peaceful to just be alone/single at least for me personally.
@@gavinbrooke 💯A relationship is the furthest from my mind no worries. And I do the work daily not for anyone else or being available for others or relationship but for myself. Peace is truly unmatched.
Dismissive avoidants feel shame, fear, or disgust in their body when thinking about intimacy (or their own vulnerability) or when someone else shows vulnerable feelings. → This is a behavior that was developed as a survival strategy in infancy. The parents have found the crying or screaming of the baby to be "disgraceful" and annoying (maybe the partent even made a „disgusted“ facial expression). As a result, the parent or both parents ignored, verbally or physically abused, or punished the baby (or small child) for this "shameful" behavior (showing anger or crying, which is how babies express themselves to show that something is wrong and that they have a need, maybe the need to be held in Mom/Dad‘s arms or maybe they had stomach ache and cried because of that). When the parents left the baby alone with its pain and left to soothe on its own, this led to nervous system dysregulation and trauma (Trauma stays in the body and nervous system if not let out and felt to heal it). This view of vulnerable feelings is unconsious and sometimes projected onto other people → "My own needs and vulnerability disgust me or I‘m angry at myself for having such feelings (self shame, self rejection, self hate) → this person disgusts me (shaming others, rejecting others like your parents shamed you when you were little)" OR: "Intimacy is too dangerous. Otherwise I will be punished for having needs for love and loving gestures". This shut-down of their own emotions and needs are all protective mechanisms that ensured the babys survival during infancy and childhood so that their parents continued to care for them = feeding the baby, putting them to bed, giving them shelter, etc. But as an adult, these limiting believes and unprocessed trauma leads to blockages over intimacy and rejection of intimate relationships even though the DA is longing for such special relationships. Learning about attachment style, trauma and expanding nervous system capacity (through movements, exercise and letting anger and sadness out) is the first step for healing. Hope this helpful🙏
There's something that I have started to experience now as less anxious and more secure, that is surprising. It's the ick that I get when avoidants start to deactivate and start using distancing and avoidant strategies and pull away. I get so turned off by it.
As an avoidant … yeah, that’s exactly the intention. We want you to dislike us by the time we run away. It makes it hurt less for you, in our minds. We know we’re going to fail. We try to give you the ick.
Well if I can manage to unlove the current DA, I’m certain in any future friendship or romantic relationship I will have the ick for any deactivating avoidant behaviours too. I’m so sick of it. Never again
@@stinkmymeatI believe that if you have this issue and you give even a single fuck about anyone other than yourself you should not be dating. people are not toys for you to manipulate at will and then throw in the trash when it gets to be too much for you just because of your childhood anguish. It’s sad and wrong that people with this issue went through emotional neglect as kids and it affected them so poorly, but we all have issues and things that we went through as kids. No one is deserving of a “hurt people for free 😄” card. I’m not trying to project all of this onto you either, just a general response to your comment.
@@miaallen6161that's true of every attachment style other than secure. I 100% support and subscribe to humans being healed before they get into a relationship, but this world is not ideal, and sometimes people think they have an issue resolved until they're triggered again.
can you please define what you meant. I am dating one with avoidant attachment style and it is so painful cause they keep avoiding me but don't wanna let go of me.
@@johnlthang5841 I think for me avoidants' fear of vulnerability. I mean being vulnerable is scary right esp if you just met the person? But a dismissive does it to the extreme. Like even if an avoidant might have a relationship with a person for years and yet won't still open up. A healthy thriving relationship tho requires a good amount of vulnerability which is a struggle for avoidants.
I agree. My mother is avoidant/dismissive. I’m just so relieved I received parenting with secure attachment from my grandmother, and I didn’t turn out with these kind of attachment style/behaviours/wounds.
Majority of people on dating apps are avoidant. Even if they are in a relationship they will still be looking. They are never fully attached. You may never know. They also don’t consider cheating a big deal. They are the absolute worst to be in a relationship with. Be thankful if one gets the ick with you.
I remember DISTINCTLY the first times I felt the ick - both in primary school and then first boyfriend in high school. What should have been a lovely experience of being liked, made me panic and want to be physically sick. It happened over and over through my 20s. Then it flipped and I was on the receiving end through my 30s. So many lost chances at happiness and connection. Here is what parents should be held accountable for - this damage their choices do and which affect their kids for their adulthood. Only now in my 40s do I understand. So much grief.
Ive had the exact same thing happen to me. Regretted the choices made in 20s because I would get this ick everytime in a good secure thing and would choose chaos and unpredictability instead of peace and security. Ended up in sad situations needless to say and learnt my lesson. Things didn't go so bad but I ended up marrying an avoidant just like myself and it can be lonely at times.
The ick is oxytocin sensitivity. It feels remarkably similar to D-MER: hopelessness, despair, & disgust, including severe self-disgust. It's a weird overlap of strong feelings that makes you want to crawl out of your own skin by any means necessary You can train tolerance by improving your relationships, building a functional support system, embracing healthy intimacy & warmth, adopting a secure attachment, maintaining sleep hygiene, & getting a regular source of magnesium & cholesterol
I have this and have avoided every single oppurtunity to get in a relationship. The moment I feel attachment I ghost people because it's too much presure. Even when my friends try to reveil something about themselves I change the subject. I hide as much information about myself as possible. Only now I have realised this but it is clear to me where this comes from (you gessed it - childhood trauma). I am glad that I have atleast now realised this and now I will start atleast to recognize my actions. When I get more money I will give therapy a shot - hopefully I can form healthy relationships in the future!
Genuine question: Do you have any interest in a relationship or relationships (like friendships) or are you happier to not have any? Another genuine question: (I know this is a personal question to ask) was the childhood trauma around a hyper-controlling/helicopter parent who wanted to control every single thing you did OR was it more emotional control where they were a victim and you needed to take care of these extreme emotional needs that never got fulfilled, OR was it something else entirely? Curious. Thanks.
@@GOATMENTATOR thank you so much for answering. It’s so respectable to, even though it’s relatively anonymous. I am sorry that you and anyone else who went through this and any kind of trauma, went through it. Have you ever looked at Dr.Ramani re healing, “Crappy Childhood Fairy” re CPTSD, Dr. Gabor to name just a few. Professional circles seem to advocate that Therapy with the right trauma therapist is a great first line defence, but before or if not possible atm, there is some awareness and healing that can be found, like through info that these helpers put out. Wishing you recovery. To recognize in yourself and have awareness that it came from childhood trauma is already much progress. Sending you and everyone in this kind of situation, best wishes.
I was the avoidant and I didn’t know. The second I learned there’s a name for these feelings and I’m not alone and there’s a reason I’m like this… for me it just all went away! I started noticing all the instances I would get the ick were not for good reason and suddenly all the anxiety just went away. In my case it could be it was easy to heal because I’m with someone who deep down I know would be good for me if I could just commit to him and stop trying to convince myself “he’s not the one” just so I can run away from the intimacy. Maybe someone else will read this and find their situation is the same. It’s actually insane, I’m like ready to marry this man all of a sudden!
I might be one of them. I know this „ick“ feeling so well, and I hate myself whenever it comes up. I don’t want to feel repulsed to be touched by the person I love, I feel like something is seriously wrong with me and I don’t know what to do about it. And whenever I force myself to look past this ick feeling to give my partner what he needs, it feels like a huge sacrifice. It always leads to me feeling stressed out to the point I where I want to escape so bad that I either hurt myself to get some relief or get suicidal thoughts. I have never told my partner about this, he wouldn’t handle it and I don’t want him to feel like he is in any way at fault. He absolutely isn’t, I just get overwhelmed soo easily. Though sometimes I do think he notices it, especially if I‘m stressed out from life I can’t handle the extra stress being close to him means. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be close so badly, I just can’t get myself to properly enjoy it.
They can’t date each other, because it wouldn’t activate their trauma response. They need an anxious or fearful avoidant person, they’re literally drawn to each other…
Majority of people on dating apps are avoidant. Even if they are in a relationship they will still be looking. They are never fully attached. You may never know. They also don’t consider cheating a big deal. Most secure people are in relationships.
I’d do the avoidant personality style website because at least when I ask for space to continue my life as a sane person and not be skin to skin and oxygen to oxygen it’s respected
I'm fearful avoidant, and peeps who relate, it's actually something that can be worked with, the person that you want to be in a relationship with just needs to be compassionate and secure enough to understand, because they will allow the space for you to get comfortable again, because that space does get rid of that ick ❤ And quick, yes I am working on myself, I communicated the issue (I needed space for now, but I am interested I just feel an extreme level of panic to the point of nausea) and they listened, gave me the space and didn't overreact. I'm not expect them to fix me and will understand if they leave because if it's effecting them, but due to me getting better at communicating there is no need for panic for either of us. ❤
I remember running to hug my ex when he came through the door from a day's work, and he became ferocious yelling, "Get off of me!" I did, and it made me feel I was nothing. Like I was repulsive to him. This video helps understand what's behind it. Thank you.
That's messes up. That's not right either. He should be happy to see you. If not, what's the point? Being avoidant doesn't give the right to yell at someone.
Dismissive avoidants feel shame, fear, or disgust in when thinking about intimacy (or their own vulnerability) or when someone else shows vulnerable feelings. → This is a behavior that was developed as a survival strategy in infancy. The parents have found the crying or screaming of the baby to be "disgraceful" and annoying (maybe the partent even made a „disgusted“ facial expression). As a result, the parent or both parents ignored, verbally or physically abused, or punished the baby (or small child) for this "shameful" behavior (showing anger or crying, which is how babies express themselves to show that something is wrong and that they have a need, maybe the need to be held in Mom/Dad‘s arms or maybe they had stomach ache and cried because of that). When the parents left the baby alone with its pain and left to soothe on its own, this led to nervous system dysregulation and trauma (Trauma stays in the body and nervous system if not let out and felt to heal it). This view of vulnerable feelings is unconsious and sometimes projected onto other people → "My own needs and vulnerability disgust me or I‘m angry at myself for having such feelings (self shame, self rejection, self hate) → this person disgusts me (shaming others, rejecting others like your parents shamed you when you were little)" OR: "Intimacy is too dangerous. Otherwise I will be punished for having needs for love and loving gestures". This shut-down of their own emotions and needs are all protective mechanisms that ensured the babys survival during infancy and childhood so that their parents continued to care for them = feeding the baby, putting them to bed, giving them shelter, etc. But as an adult, these limiting believes and unprocessed trauma leads to blockages over intimacy and rejection of intimate relationships even though the DA is longing for such special relationships. Learning about attachment style, trauma and expanding nervous system capacity (through movements, exercise and letting anger and sadness out) is the first step for healing. Hope this helpful🙏
This is one instance. There are many variations of life circumstances, sexual or physical abuse where no help was available is a major one. Incessant poverty, witnessing domestic violence, even with attentive parents. The basis is self-preservation by hiding fear using the freeze response, as often the person could not fight, flight, or fawn during traumatic or neglectful experiences. Fear response is suppressed but activated during what the ego senses as dangerous.
@@lovelv1278 The thing is your narc mother would be one too. Evidence is showing intergenerational trauma is passing this attachment style down each generation. I say this as someone who grew up with a mother who is dismissive/avoidant, if you see dismissive/avoidant attachment style in yourself … work on building closer relationships with people *before* you have children.
@@fruitypopwhickle6806 why on earth would you continue to date someone like this? I’d be running for the hills before I’d settle for life with a person who is incapable of providing emotional closeness. Emotional closeness provides a feeling of stability - we are not going through life alone; we have someone to rely on. Now I have the “Ick” feeling even just imagining being married to a dismissive/avoidant personality type. Never get involved with these kinds of people xxx hurt people hurt people.
I was insecure attachment from childhood, I would cling on so hard…now my abandonment fears in adulthood and dating have led me to an avoidant attachment style. I’ll never let anyone in too close, even though I desire the closeness and comfort of a long term partner, the risk for me outweighs the reward now.
“Clingy” is a relative term. It means something different to avoidants. Avoidants usually attribute much more committment and closeness than to a simple “close encounter” than is actually there.
This is my life to a T. But I’m fearful avoidant and have relationship OCD so when I inevitably cut things off to avoid feelings of disgust/being trapped, I get really really depressed and jaded. When I stay in relationships, though, I feel extreme anxiety that manifests in constant nausea, panic attacks, and suicidal ideation. Fun times, y’all.
@@humansixty-four3591 1.) I already have a therapist and an OCD specialist 2.) I always tell people up front what they’re dealing with and I make no commitments to anybody 3.) you sound triggered lmao
It's amazing to me when I started to connect when I would feel the 'ick' and why. I realized the things everyone had in common who I actually let get close to me. All of them formally asked and gave me space to think. That's it. Something about formally asking makes me not feel the 'ick' and makes me more able to lower my defenses enough to let someone in. Most people don't even ask. Yuck.
Question: “connect” in what way? It’s perfectly legitimate and healthy to be repelled by people who do not respect boundaries that should be respected, like sexual intimacy. When people just rush in physically it is perfectly healthy and appropriate to feel the “ick” and be repelled. If it is connection on a more emotional level, it’s not clear what they would have “formally asked” before connecting emotionally, but if it is emotional connection you’re repelled by, it sounds still like a boundary wound where someone didn’t respect your boundaries. Healing to you.
@@yesplatinum7956 Same here, it helps to be dating someone who I can be open with and who will be there for me through all of that. Being able to communicate when I get it and how scared I actually am helps a lot. They’ll just love you through and it slowly makes your subconscious realise that staying is good, that they’re good and that you’re safe now.
@@yesplatinum7956 same! Just a month ago broke up with my girlfriend… we were only officially together for 2 months… I got that feeling trapped in an elevator feeling AGAIN. She was incredibly beautiful, smart, great taste in music and humor and also really nice to me and still I broke her heart and left
I am female and am some kind of avoidant; not sure which type, but… The peace and relaxation I feel when I’m alone is so comforting, that being around people is such a noticeable difference! I actually like people very much… I’m social and love conversation and laughter… I just really prefer the calm peacefulness of being alone in a quiet environment.
Yeah, like you don't want them to get close but the moment they start to distance themselves you start wondering if there is something wrong with you or if you upset them in any way.
So what do u think would be the best way for them to come at you? Cuz I'm dating someone now. Been friends first for a long time, now just dating but I've had him pull away twice already. First time was for a little while but second time was only a day. I just gave him the space but I don't want to deal with the disappearing all the time so if anyone has advice on how I can help him feel like he doesn't need to pull away?
@@tlynn609 There is no way to make an FA comfortable, they trust neither closeness nor distance. At best you can prioritize them but never ask for anything in return; even then, they will deactivate as the relationship becomes mature (they are terrified of feeling trapped). Unfortunately, it won't get better and there's nothing you can do about it.
Oh my god. Im literally in the beginning stages of a breakup (we live together and have two months left on the lease), and this is exactly what I've been feeling for some time. I was extremely hurt and have been sad since SHE said it was done (I've said it before but never followed through), but I also felt a strange sense of relief. And I still do, along with the sadness. But it even feels better talking to her about what was wrong with our relationship now that we have called it quits. And some issues have literally made me feel this way. I didnt realize that some of our issues were effected by my avoidance in more ways than I realize. Gosh, now I have something else to apologize for lol. I love her. I truly do. But after like the first six months of living together, I couldn't stand it. I know it was partly just our compatibility, but now I fear that I withdrew because of more than that... whyyyyyyyyyyy
You sound like my ex, suffocated by the closeness living together, by my (normal) "expectations". He focused on imaginary flaws to find an excuse to exit. Instead of addressing his trauma and his relationship with enmeshed family. 15 months later he reached out all nostalgic and regretful but still not a lot of self-awareness.
I hear they often boomerang back.. gd for you for spotting the lack of growth. If my guy refuses therapy, I’m off. I love him but I know nothing will change if he doesn’t gain the self-awareness required.
@@melaniepritchardsuccesscoa3839 His messages were nostalgic and there was a tinge of self-awareness "despite I was not always that nice. or it didn't work out", saying he'd like if I called him back as he's curious how I am doing. For me, it was not enough, also a bit entitled as he video called, so I didn't respond. Was I too harsh? He contacted me a few times since the breakup and disappeared after each time. I didn't want another round of avoidant / anxious this time.
@@MissSarahGM RIP that guy. 15 months? lack of self awareness might be the big difference here though. and imma chick. Our arguing is what really ended the relationship part. We hope to move on as friends. Shes my best friend. But I see that this shit is toxic. And you dont wanna be toxic with someone you love. And especially cant just act like it isnt fucked up. Possible he's got something else going on. And also possible he's just clueless. I tell my ex that shes dodging a bullet. Shes an anxious type, literally, and we've just been stuck in a cycle. plus, I've been a mess anyway.
@@alizesims1113 He has mental health issues, ADHD, relationship OCD, attachment trauma. And wasn't doing therapy. at the end I sent him materials on ROCD and healing fearful avoidant style. Maybe you have that attachment too. Yes he lacked self-awareness and so the anxiety he felt, had to be because I wasn't the one, instead of looking at his childhood trauma and fears. He has a controlling narcissistic mother and doesn't see it. He has contacted me every few months, each time I responded because I was hopeful. I guess he tried to move on but realised he couldn't find that love. In his messages he refers to the love I gave him that filled his heart. But there's nothing about how he wants to love and commit to me. I felt like his reach out was to get something from me (reassurance, love) but not necessarily to give me. If you are starting to be self-aware and how you need to heal, you're on the right path. Look into fearful avoidant style healing.
It’s expectations, pressure, a feeling of demands and being misunderstood that one’s need for self time is about the other person, it is not, it is about them, they start to feel like they are suffocating and controlling you.. Often a response to overwhelm. And lack of downtime/ time to decompress or regroup/ time to recharge. It’s often a sense of when your executive functioning is diminished and your exhaustion of a masking or people pleasing or something along these lines depending on your state of being (an example is being an introvert but working an extrovert job or being ADHD and having a deadline or not having learned to communicate or value one’s own needs or could even be a response to ab emotional event or trigger if one)
Avoidants are the worst. Steer clear! I have never had a good or fulfilling relationship with one. They should just find another avoidant so they can live in avoidant happiness. Terrible folks
This is so immature. If you've figured out what works for you that's great but people with avoidant attachment have had repeated exposure to trauma. it's not who they are it's an adaptation formed early in childhood. They deserve safe relationships just like you.
I had to cut a friend out when she wouldn't listen to me after telling her repeatedly that I dont like to be touched, she was American and a "hugger". She eventually drove me to end the friendship because she just COULDN'T respect me or my boundaries.
@@anicsim8390 I love how you think people who aren't comfortable with physical intimacy just don't deserve friends who respect their boundaries. Are you also a rapist? Or do you actually respect your partners boundaries?
@@fulltimeonfire8536 Listen to the statement you made. You're not a person. Just like those psychopaths that lack empathy. They are not people either.. Do I respect my partners boundaries? No.
They really wish closeness but their fear of abandonment is so deep that when closeness is starting to apear and they are in a vulnerable space they rather be the one abadoning. Because what is the best way to for sure not be abandomed? Be the one who abandons first. It gives them a feelimg of protection even if the result is the same, loneliness.
It is emotional hell. I still can’t believe what I allowed myself to accept. I feel sorry for my unhealed self being with an avoidant. Now with a secure man and didn’t know love could be this good ❤
God I always thought I was alone in this. This doesn't even only happen in romantic relationships, its any and every relationship I have (I stopped dating in middle school, so don't come for me like Im ur avoidant ex pls 😅) There have been points in my life where people have opened up and I mean REALLY opened up to me and all I could feel was the huge feeling of disgust and discomfort as soon as I was forced to say true but very intimate feelings of mine. It felt WRONG, like every fiber of my being on the inside was just screaming for it to be over so I can get away. It was so strange because obviously my mind is like "Wtf, just act normal, you know what to say in this situation, just say it." But my body had this intense reaction of like wanting to throw up almost. I successfully comforted them without them noticing my internal feelings (i think) but then afterwards I just sat there for hours going over and over what had just happened to make me feel that horrible about a situation that was supposed to be a heartfelt moment. God my childhood wasn't even that bad...how did I get this way?
Often “normal” childhoods are not normal after we go through it under the magnifying glass of therapy. I thought I was “fine” too. I am actually a survivor of 2 cults and every possible form of neglect.
Thank you for the explanation. That sounds incredibly hard and I am sorry you go through that. Your description helps me understand why I felt so deeply rejected by my ex-husband. It was so confusing because he said he wanted to be with me and he wanted stay married but I could feel his repulsion toward me. I am a person with big feelings, I tear up easily, I enjoy talking about feelings, I am very sensual... what a nightmare for him, yet he chose me and asked me to marry him. To this day, many years after our divorce, I can't understand why he even bothered since I must have given him that ick feeling all the time. I have never dated again because I never want to feel that level of disgust and rejection aimed at me for simply trying to love my man.
@@kbc1883 I just wanna say that for me, the disgust was not towards the person I was conversing with. It was fully with myself and the situation I was in for being vulnerable. In my family showing your emotions was something to be punished for, something to be shamed in public for, it wasn't something good. Our entire nervous system was rewired to survive in an environment like that. But as adults we quickly realize that's not the way the rest of the world is, but by then it's already too late. Our body naturally does this, despite our mind protesting (if they're self-aware enough). I mean I could be wrong as you only typed a few sentences, but personally whenever I was with someone whom I was pressured to be intimate with, I always stayed BECAUSE I care about them. I always forced myself to be intimate because I wanted them to feel comforted, because I do love them and I know that that's what they need to hear even though it's difficult for me to show it. Maybe your ex-husband was the same and that's why he stayed as long as he did? Not trying to defend him, but maybe open up new perspectives that could very well be possible and hopefully be a little bit of a comfort to you, that it wasn't you he felt disgust towards. But I could be completely off since this is the Internet and idk anything about you and him.
Wow! This is sooo enlightening. Thinking I’ve attached myself to an extreme avoidance. In my mind it was to create so many situations to railroad the relationship. I need to digest all you’ve stated here because it sounds sooo familiar 😢
Yes. It’s the exact same feeling when you have avoidant attachment. They do something (got close to where you feel vulnerable) it turns you off or makes you feel unsafe, so you then get the ick and distance yourself as you feel suffocated by them
Everything is too much for them. I wonder why they even want us around. For me, he came in so strongly begging for my number and begging for MY vulnerability. Just to turn around and act turned off when I finally open up.
I thought I was the only one to use this word to describe it. I can’t think of another way to describe it. I also have OCD, so the ick might escalate to taking an early shower as soon as I can. But it always starts with the ick.
I say this as someone who grew up with a mother like this, if you see dismissive/avoidant attachment style in yourself … work on building closer relationships with people *before* you have children. I was so fortunate to have had a grandmother who provided me some sense of secure attachment over my childhood, without my grandmother, I don’t know what kind of wife and mother I would be today. As for my mother, I am learning she will never change (she is 70) and it’s about time I let go of hoping she will, by finding other figures in my life to provide the emotional closeness my mother cannot. I am so grateful I did not turn out like her where I would have passed her kind of mothering down to my own children.
For me it is like a feeling of “uh, yuck, fuck off, get away from me, get a life, leave me alone” and I literally feel sick from the disgust and like this feeling of being suffocated or claustrophobic. I am not a physical touch person at all, regardless if I am close or not, although my kids and partner are an exception. The thought of someone giving me a hug or when I’m pregnant touching my belly makes my skin crawl and repulsed. I don’t want to be like it, I am aware of it and when it’s happening, while at the same time cannot ‘think myself out of it’ like some people in the comments seem to think is possible. I seen some comments saying it’s just a victim mentality. It comes from your nervous system not feeling safe, you don’t even have to think about it, it’s essentially a defence mechanism from childhood trauma. I am not saying it’s okay and that it doesn’t cause pain to those around them, and it’s certainly not an excuse, but it’s also not something you can ‘control’ if your nervous system is being triggered. You are not in your thinking brain, it’s acting in a state of stress response
I started playing dnd with a couple friends it's been a nightmare for me. Every week I have to see them and I know if I'm around them too much they will end up hating me so I asked for a hiatus in sessions. I don't want to go back
Sadly I'm like that with my husband. It's getting so much worse. I just now learned I have avoidant attachment style this week. Trying to learn all the tools I can
Last time I felt the Ick, I pressed on with dating him but the guy turned out to be a horrible cheating narcissist. Now I see the Ick was my intuition warning me.
I think that's what the ick might be for me two, I've experienced it twice now thinking about the same person but then it goes away (idk if the ick will be back for a third time or not, for me it comes and goes)
I was DEFINITELY anxious when I met my avoidant husband. Now I’m definitely avoidant as well. Now I get the ‘ick’ and just want to be alone, but he doesn’t seem to. He never talks about any of his emotions so I have no idea really. Its so confusing.
I finally experience this response out of survival mode right before I went through a divorce and started to gain strength. I had to do it again later on in life and angry, anyways 🌸
Because you are!! Opposites attract. I have that problem as well with women in which I attract the obsessive ones of the lot. If his mother is like that he will subconsciously choose that without a doubt. Unless, he does the work and spot the obsessive tendencies in women early on and a put a stop to the madness.
My ex got the ick when i had a feeling he was cheating. Months later and weeks after i dumped him, i found out my intuition was correct. You people are monsters.
I can easily say not all avoidant attachments are monsters what a horrible thing to say. Nor are they all cheaters. In your case, your ex was. I am avoidant attachment when it comes to literally any relationship (friendship etc) but in my romantic relationship I am more anxious. It’s a fear of being vulnerable like a suffocating feeling. It doesn’t mean it makes you want to cheat. The thought of even seeking out someone else to even consider cheating on my partner would give me the ick because that means I’d have to be vulnerable with someone new. People still have morals and values
wtff this is what i experience everytime someone cones close to me or even puts their hand on me like on my back or shoulder or something. I just want to push them away but at the same time when i see other people sticking together all cuddly i love it and want it. I always thought i was crazy or something but ok🙃
i never knew it was the central or peripheral nervous systems but when you motioned the directions of each with your hand i knew exactly what that feels like except i would have described it as in my face or in my chest...
My idea on having healthy close attachments is with myself and having each part of myself spend quality time with a robot with specific settings for each separate part of myself. Having a robot friend it's not a human which makes it safe for a close relationship. Does anyone know how to create a robot friend? So that I can have a friend. Because I'm really lonely. My heart hurts so much but everytime I'm around others I'm lonely and when I'm alone I'm lonely. There's never a time when I'm not lonely and Im stuck with holding all my emotions in that it causes deep physical pain It hurts so much that i lay on the floor on my back and wait until the electricity stops running through my body. My soul desperately needs a friend. And my imaginary friends in my head aren't doing it for me anymore.
I get the "ick" whenever my cousin tells me she loves me, tries to hug me, says I'm like a brother to her. She didn't have her father in her life, although she had my grandfather, her mother, and plenty of family around her and she's grown up to be a snake. She says one thing and does another. She'll tell you how much she loves you and then when she feels like you've annoyed her or done something to her she will flip on you and turn you into a bad guy. So that's why I get the ick. I don't get it with most people.
Glad you have the awareness you are one! If you asked for a “break” from a partner and didn’t contact them for a month, would that be because of a major ick feeling?
@@sarahstevenson8155 It could be or just the fact I feel overwhelmed and need some space. However I wouldn’t not contact them, but would perhaps contact less. We always feel as though we are being a bit smothered.
@@taylormedlin3011 hmm it’s a tough one. You don’t realise that you are avoidant you just think your being normal, if that makes sense. So most of the time you don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. But I’m more aware of the impact on others now.
At the beginning I felt so much anger and resentment towards avoidants. Now I feel sorry for them, like what a sad way of living life. Those people will never find love or experience life to the fullest, that’s so sad.
That’s your take as an outsider, but as someone who veers avoidant I can assure you we live full and happy lives. We feel sorry for you because you are so needy and apparently unable to meet your own needs, that’s sad in an adult.
@@joygibbons5482 I’m glad you live a happy and full life. I don’t know you, my comment was not referring to you specifically because I don’t know you. I was talking from my experience of avoidants, not you, because again I don’t know you. My comment was not personal towards anyone, specially you…because I don’t know you. But apparently you know me very well because you sound very sure that I am needy and unable to meet my own needs…
Too simply mentioned for it to feel correct at all. The ick is much more logical, valid and understandable, if others would care and be able to take an interest. When the other comes on too quickly , without preparing, without checkoíng,without knowing me first, without telling their intention and minding the dysregulation.
A dating coach said that a healthy relationship will make you more secure. Is this true? I'm a DA woman and I only close off when I have a toxic partner. Like they are controlling, mean spirited or a user. Can anyone relate?
I think I've just met someone like that. she seems an amazing girl otherwise, but I'm being fed breadcrumbs though, cause I'm trying to get to know them better. I've been opening myself up, trying to show, i would make the effort for them, showing a side of me they should appreciate, Sharing irl photos, but now it feels like progress is really slow. Maybe she doesn't think of me as someone to be in a dating relationship with, or she's hiding a part of a life to me, but enjoys my attention I'm giving her.
I have been doing this my whole life. What can I do about this? I wish my stepdad had just let me hang out with my mama when I was a baby so I could be normal
Presumptuousness triggers my ick, like, no. I - no. Just because I behave kindly does not mean I "want" you as anything. Because then, if you put upon me, I have to hurt your feelings (by setting a boundary and some people can't handle boundaries and get all offended) so then I have to avoid you like you're some entity that won't go away 😭 Please don't make me hurt you, let me set the tone, I'm the one who needs to learn who it's safe to merge with from my parallel play 😅 But I also detach so it's never a biggy if you don't want to play because I know what a joy it is to play alone 💃🏿
avoidant people have as many issues as other people. the term refers to emotional avoidance, not avoidance of other people - as in you repress your own emotions to the point of sabotaging yourself and your own happiness. stay on the high horse all you want, but that won’t help in the long run. avoidants often actually have a lot more to work through if they care to live a good life.
I’m having a hard time dealing with this I can’t stand my friends for liking me or getting close to me or giving me compliments it annoys me too much and i feel like a bad person for running away from them but i can’t get rid of this feeling
Is this why I respond by saying ew or by laughing when people pretend like they actually want to spend time with me or when they try to provide things for me like buying me food or material things or they want to hug me. To me it's just gross. But yet i long to be close to them but in person I just want to runaway. Is this why it's ew.
@@Bixnood69yeahh that's literally my ex and how she acted towards me. I really loved her a lot. I made a list of gifts i wanted to give her and would've given my life for her tbh. She dumped me after i told her i had been thinking about her at work right before Valentine's
I used to have this but now I just go for extremely attractive women so it doesn't happen anymore. Now I get the ick from the slightest sign of disinterest which is usually just women's normal dating games. Even though I know they still like me I can't handle the perceived low-interest/effort and become extremely resentful over time until I have to self-sooth by dumping or rejecting her, which always comes as a huge shock.
To me it almost feels like Im being violated in some way even though the other person is actually very nice and considerate and not at all a bad person.
As someone who is dealing with someone close with avoidant personality, i cannot help but think avoidant personality is a nicer word for cowardice. Someone educate me, because im slipping into resentment and impatience.
Very interesting way to look at it…because that resonated with me and I didn’t expect it to…I think that’s my subconscious mind intuition on some energetic level…regardless, it’s sad because you just want to love them and have them love you back…
The best way I can describe it is like if a friend asks to borrow your phone and you trust them and go okay. Then they swipe through all of your private pics and messages and even sends a few inappropriate stuff to people and it gets you in trouble at work and at home. It’s like I opened up a little and it cost me a lot, I didn’t know they were gonna hurt me that much so I never let anyone have open access like that again. I trust that person even less. At some point I learned that expression leads to harm. I used to get tossed around and screamed at for bothering my mother if it wasn’t a dire emergency. The result was that I don’t think or talk about my feelings unless it’s an emergency. I want closeness but things that are innocuous seem threatening to me. My partner buys me gifts, that’s sweet, but my abuser used to do that to get favors out of me and hurt me if I said no. My partner wants to learn my favorite things, so thoughtful, but my abuser used that information to manipulate me by threatening those things. My partner wants to meet my closest friends, so exciting, but my abuser tried to convince them all that I was a terrible person behind my back and sabotage the relationships to isolate me. My partner wants to know where I am and what I’m up to, cute checking in, but my abuser used to keep tabs on my location, every conversation I had and if it ever seemed “suspicious” I would be injured or worse. What if it happens again? It’s like I’ve been betrayed in every way that counts and to not drown in hurt, I dismiss it as a temporary nuisance. Every time I’ve had a breakdown, things got better eventually. So I keep a routine of keeping things near me that keep me regulated, go to the gym, hang with friends until the pain is edged. Someone asking me to open up is not a crime, but my body remembers the pain so I can’t. You may have to let the avoidant person go :(
I have an avoidant attachment personality and when people get close it's uncomfortable, but the irony is, closeness is so desirable and I want it.
I have disorganized attachment style. I do not interesting with secure people. I have been in ra with anxious and avodinants before. When im with anxious people I feel do fucking overwhelmed and ick but when Im wirh avodinants I feel so turn on but I hate it at the same time. It is like a challenge for me and I love it so fucking much even it hurts me. So I really dont know how to fix my avodinant partner becaus eim deeply in love with him rn. Can you give me an advice how should I close an avodiant? It is there anything that I can do without scaring him
@@suzisuzim50Become secure. You don't love him you love cocktail he is making on your brain.
@@haihai5293 you’re right I like the coctail but I also love him too. It is really hard to be in this type of relationships. I think you are right we should move on
@@suzisuzim50 Im in this situation like you. Now i see how this relation destroying my health. I don't wants to be addicted to her and stupid silence and withdrawl after closness. Its very sick for US to stick with avoidants.
@@haihai5293 It really is. Sometimes I wanna be a healthy person mentally and in a relationship but sometimes I like it other way because it makes me more excited. Even I know its not healthy I just cant stop myself to get turn on by my avodinant partner. Also sometimes he acts like an anxious one. It is just an emotional chaos. We should definitly learn how to love and how to be in a healthy relationship.
I wish we’d stop calling them attachment styles and calling then what they are.. attachment wounds.
It's implied. If you aren't secure, then you have attachment trauma.
yes! agree..
at least they don't call it disorder anymore usually
@@bigbignanThis!!
It's not a wound, it is a clinical description of an infant's seperation anxiety in regard's to their caregiver's absence and return. Stop trying to make something into what it is not.
Yes it can feel invasive, cringey, as if someone is repeatedly overstepping a boundaries almost slightly feel disrespected (depending on circumstance), suffocating, uncomfortable, overstimulated or chaotic lol a few synonyms to describe the ick a lil more. It feels better/more peaceful to just be alone/single at least for me personally.
That’s how I feel when sb I barely know tries to act like they’re close to me 😅
That's avoidant attachment
Yes....stay that way and don't destroy an emotionally available person - or do the work to change before getting with someone.
@@gavinbrooke 💯A relationship is the furthest from my mind no worries. And I do the work daily not for anyone else or being available for others or relationship but for myself. Peace is truly unmatched.
Yeah. The APs be doing the absolute effing most. You been on 1 date and they expect all of your time and attention.
I’ve never heard anyone explain this feeling before! I always feel like an ass but I really can’t help it sometimes it’s really strong 💪🏾
I think the primary feeling is disgust or revulsion.
Yea cringey
I'd say one of robust convulsions.
YEsss
I think it's fear
Dismissive avoidants feel shame, fear, or disgust in their body when thinking about intimacy (or their own vulnerability) or when someone else shows vulnerable feelings. → This is a behavior that was developed as a survival strategy in infancy. The parents have found the crying or screaming of the baby to be "disgraceful" and annoying (maybe the partent even made a „disgusted“ facial expression). As a result, the parent or both parents ignored, verbally or physically abused, or punished the baby (or small child) for this "shameful" behavior (showing anger or crying, which is how babies express themselves to show that something is wrong and that they have a need, maybe the need to be held in Mom/Dad‘s arms or maybe they had stomach ache and cried because of that).
When the parents left the baby alone with its pain and left to soothe on its own, this led to nervous system dysregulation and trauma (Trauma stays in the body and nervous system if not let out and felt to heal it).
This view of vulnerable feelings is unconsious and sometimes projected onto other people → "My own needs and vulnerability disgust me or I‘m angry at myself for having such feelings (self shame, self rejection, self hate) → this person disgusts me (shaming others, rejecting others like your parents shamed you when you were little)" OR: "Intimacy is too dangerous. Otherwise I will be punished for having needs for love and loving gestures". This shut-down of their own emotions and needs are all protective mechanisms that ensured the babys survival during infancy and childhood so that their parents continued to care for them = feeding the baby, putting them to bed, giving them shelter, etc. But as an adult, these limiting believes and unprocessed trauma leads to blockages over intimacy and rejection of intimate relationships even though the DA is longing for such special relationships.
Learning about attachment style, trauma and expanding nervous system capacity (through movements, exercise and letting anger and sadness out) is the first step for healing. Hope this helpful🙏
There's something that I have started to experience now as less anxious and more secure, that is surprising. It's the ick that I get when avoidants start to deactivate and start using distancing and avoidant strategies and pull away. I get so turned off by it.
How did you become more secure?
As an avoidant … yeah, that’s exactly the intention. We want you to dislike us by the time we run away. It makes it hurt less for you, in our minds. We know we’re going to fail. We try to give you the ick.
Well if I can manage to unlove the current DA, I’m certain in any future friendship or romantic relationship I will have the ick for any deactivating avoidant behaviours too. I’m so sick of it. Never again
@@stinkmymeatI believe that if you have this issue and you give even a single fuck about anyone other than yourself you should not be dating. people are not toys for you to manipulate at will and then throw in the trash when it gets to be too much for you just because of your childhood anguish. It’s sad and wrong that people with this issue went through emotional neglect as kids and it affected them so poorly, but we all have issues and things that we went through as kids. No one is deserving of a “hurt people for free 😄” card. I’m not trying to project all of this onto you either, just a general response to your comment.
@@miaallen6161that's true of every attachment style other than secure. I 100% support and subscribe to humans being healed before they get into a relationship, but this world is not ideal, and sometimes people think they have an issue resolved until they're triggered again.
The moment I learned that they have the "ick" is the moment I stopped trying.
can you please define what you meant. I am dating one with avoidant attachment style and it is so painful cause they keep avoiding me but don't wanna let go of me.
@@johnlthang5841it’s a ‘what’s the point?’ scenario. Why bother trying with someone that does the push and pull game.
@@johnlthang5841 I think for me avoidants' fear of vulnerability. I mean being vulnerable is scary right esp if you just met the person? But a dismissive does it to the extreme. Like even if an avoidant might have a relationship with a person for years and yet won't still open up. A healthy thriving relationship tho requires a good amount of vulnerability which is a struggle for avoidants.
@@johnlthang5841 Hope you're free of them now
I agree. My mother is avoidant/dismissive. I’m just so relieved I received parenting with secure attachment from my grandmother, and I didn’t turn out with these kind of attachment style/behaviours/wounds.
Majority of people on dating apps are avoidant. Even if they are in a relationship they will still be looking. They are never fully attached. You may never know. They also don’t consider cheating a big deal. They are the absolute worst to be in a relationship with. Be thankful if one gets the ick with you.
I remember DISTINCTLY the first times I felt the ick - both in primary school and then first boyfriend in high school. What should have been a lovely experience of being liked, made me panic and want to be physically sick. It happened over and over through my 20s. Then it flipped and I was on the receiving end through my 30s. So many lost chances at happiness and connection. Here is what parents should be held accountable for - this damage their choices do and which affect their kids for their adulthood. Only now in my 40s do I understand. So much grief.
Ive had the exact same thing happen to me. Regretted the choices made in 20s because I would get this ick everytime in a good secure thing and would choose chaos and unpredictability instead of peace and security. Ended up in sad situations needless to say and learnt my lesson. Things didn't go so bad but I ended up marrying an avoidant just like myself and it can be lonely at times.
The ick is oxytocin sensitivity. It feels remarkably similar to D-MER: hopelessness, despair, & disgust, including severe self-disgust. It's a weird overlap of strong feelings that makes you want to crawl out of your own skin by any means necessary
You can train tolerance by improving your relationships, building a functional support system, embracing healthy intimacy & warmth, adopting a secure attachment, maintaining sleep hygiene, & getting a regular source of magnesium & cholesterol
Bing bing. Love these sort of scientific-geared practical solutions to the problems. Every problem is an engineering problem.
@@geoffy8245 at the very least, it's nice to be able to eliminate, or rather redirect, the engineering problems out of the equation
I have this and have avoided every single oppurtunity to get in a relationship. The moment I feel attachment I ghost people because it's too much presure. Even when my friends try to reveil something about themselves I change the subject. I hide as much information about myself as possible. Only now I have realised this but it is clear to me where this comes from (you gessed it - childhood trauma). I am glad that I have atleast now realised this and now I will start atleast to recognize my actions. When I get more money I will give therapy a shot - hopefully I can form healthy relationships in the future!
Sameee I’m distancing myself from my friends and i can’t help it the feeling doesn’t stops
Genuine question: Do you have any interest in a relationship or relationships (like friendships) or are you happier to not have any?
Another genuine question: (I know this is a personal question to ask) was the childhood trauma around a hyper-controlling/helicopter parent who wanted to control every single thing you did OR was it more emotional control where they were a victim and you needed to take care of these extreme emotional needs that never got fulfilled, OR was it something else entirely?
Curious. Thanks.
@@jadegreen1554 1. I have interest and I try.
2. It's complicated but closer to the second example
@@GOATMENTATOR thank you so much for answering. It’s so respectable to, even though it’s relatively anonymous. I am sorry that you and anyone else who went through this and any kind of trauma, went through it. Have you ever looked at Dr.Ramani re healing, “Crappy Childhood Fairy” re CPTSD, Dr. Gabor to name just a few. Professional circles seem to advocate that Therapy with the right trauma therapist is a great first line defence, but before or if not possible atm, there is some awareness and healing that can be found, like through info that these helpers put out.
Wishing you recovery. To recognize in yourself and have awareness that it came from childhood trauma is already much progress. Sending you and everyone in this kind of situation, best wishes.
:(
I was the avoidant and I didn’t know. The second I learned there’s a name for these feelings and I’m not alone and there’s a reason I’m like this… for me it just all went away! I started noticing all the instances I would get the ick were not for good reason and suddenly all the anxiety just went away. In my case it could be it was easy to heal because I’m with someone who deep down I know would be good for me if I could just commit to him and stop trying to convince myself “he’s not the one” just so I can run away from the intimacy. Maybe someone else will read this and find their situation is the same. It’s actually insane, I’m like ready to marry this man all of a sudden!
I might be one of them. I know this „ick“ feeling so well, and I hate myself whenever it comes up.
I don’t want to feel repulsed to be touched by the person I love, I feel like something is seriously wrong with me and I don’t know what to do about it. And whenever I force myself to look past this ick feeling to give my partner what he needs, it feels like a huge sacrifice.
It always leads to me feeling stressed out to the point I where I want to escape so bad that I either hurt myself to get some relief or get suicidal thoughts.
I have never told my partner about this, he wouldn’t handle it and I don’t want him to feel like he is in any way at fault. He absolutely isn’t, I just get overwhelmed soo easily. Though sometimes I do think he notices it, especially if I‘m stressed out from life I can’t handle the extra stress being close to him means. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be close so badly, I just can’t get myself to properly enjoy it.
How bout create a dating site just for avoidance and then the level of closeness will feel just right and leave the rest of us alone.
They can’t date each other, because it wouldn’t activate their trauma response. They need an anxious or fearful avoidant person, they’re literally drawn to each other…
@@katkanegyke177 they can date each other fine. Especially if everyone else collectively says no thanks
lol @ the bitterness
Majority of people on dating apps are avoidant. Even if they are in a relationship they will still be looking. They are never fully attached. You may never know. They also don’t consider cheating a big deal. Most secure people are in relationships.
I’d do the avoidant personality style website because at least when I ask for space to continue my life as a sane person and not be skin to skin and oxygen to oxygen it’s respected
I'm fearful avoidant, and peeps who relate, it's actually something that can be worked with, the person that you want to be in a relationship with just needs to be compassionate and secure enough to understand, because they will allow the space for you to get comfortable again, because that space does get rid of that ick ❤
And quick, yes I am working on myself, I communicated the issue (I needed space for now, but I am interested I just feel an extreme level of panic to the point of nausea) and they listened, gave me the space and didn't overreact. I'm not expect them to fix me and will understand if they leave because if it's effecting them, but due to me getting better at communicating there is no need for panic for either of us. ❤
I remember running to hug my ex when he came through the door from a day's work, and he became ferocious yelling, "Get off of me!" I did, and it made me feel I was nothing. Like I was repulsive to him. This video helps understand what's behind it. Thank you.
That's messes up. That's not right either. He should be happy to see you. If not, what's the point? Being avoidant doesn't give the right to yell at someone.
Everyone gets the ick, healthy and intelligent people learn to look pastthe little things.
Dismissive avoidants feel shame, fear, or disgust in when thinking about intimacy (or their own vulnerability) or when someone else shows vulnerable feelings. → This is a behavior that was developed as a survival strategy in infancy. The parents have found the crying or screaming of the baby to be "disgraceful" and annoying (maybe the partent even made a „disgusted“ facial expression). As a result, the parent or both parents ignored, verbally or physically abused, or punished the baby (or small child) for this "shameful" behavior (showing anger or crying, which is how babies express themselves to show that something is wrong and that they have a need, maybe the need to be held in Mom/Dad‘s arms or maybe they had stomach ache and cried because of that).
When the parents left the baby alone with its pain and left to soothe on its own, this led to nervous system dysregulation and trauma (Trauma stays in the body and nervous system if not let out and felt to heal it).
This view of vulnerable feelings is unconsious and sometimes projected onto other people → "My own needs and vulnerability disgust me or I‘m angry at myself for having such feelings (self shame, self rejection, self hate) → this person disgusts me (shaming others, rejecting others like your parents shamed you when you were little)" OR: "Intimacy is too dangerous. Otherwise I will be punished for having needs for love and loving gestures". This shut-down of their own emotions and needs are all protective mechanisms that ensured the babys survival during infancy and childhood so that their parents continued to care for them = feeding the baby, putting them to bed, giving them shelter, etc. But as an adult, these limiting believes and unprocessed trauma leads to blockages over intimacy and rejection of intimate relationships even though the DA is longing for such special relationships.
Learning about attachment style, trauma and expanding nervous system capacity (through movements, exercise and letting anger and sadness out) is the first step for healing. Hope this helpful🙏
This is one instance. There are many variations of life circumstances, sexual or physical abuse where no help was available is a major one. Incessant poverty, witnessing domestic violence, even with attentive parents. The basis is self-preservation by hiding fear using the freeze response, as often the person could not fight, flight, or fawn during traumatic or neglectful experiences. Fear response is suppressed but activated during what the ego senses as dangerous.
We see you copying and pasting the same reply under multiple comments.
I have this. I feel disgust. Underneath that is extreme fear of being trapped/ panic
Me too! Comes from being raised by a narc mother who parentified me 😢
I have had this as well.. the undercurrent of panic is the true problem. Whatever triggers it is usually not a big deal
Don't date. You're traumatizing someone else who didn't nothing to you but expect a normal relationship.
@@lovelv1278 The thing is your narc mother would be one too. Evidence is showing intergenerational trauma is passing this attachment style down each generation. I say this as someone who grew up with a mother who is dismissive/avoidant, if you see dismissive/avoidant attachment style in yourself … work on building closer relationships with people *before* you have children.
@@fruitypopwhickle6806 why on earth would you continue to date someone like this? I’d be running for the hills before I’d settle for life with a person who is incapable of providing emotional closeness. Emotional closeness provides a feeling of stability - we are not going through life alone; we have someone to rely on. Now I have the “Ick” feeling even just imagining being married to a dismissive/avoidant personality type. Never get involved with these kinds of people xxx hurt people hurt people.
I was insecure attachment from childhood, I would cling on so hard…now my abandonment fears in adulthood and dating have led me to an avoidant attachment style. I’ll never let anyone in too close, even though I desire the closeness and comfort of a long term partner, the risk for me outweighs the reward now.
I usually get that ick feeling from clingly people.
But u call normal closeness as 'clingey'
@@Suze-d1dexactly. They are mean people at their core.
“Clingy” is a relative term. It means something different to avoidants. Avoidants usually attribute much more committment and closeness than to a simple “close encounter” than is actually there.
YES!!!!!!
and clingy people call independent people "avoidants" @@Suze-d1d
YES. Its visceral, primal and compulsive!!!
This is my life to a T. But I’m fearful avoidant and have relationship OCD so when I inevitably cut things off to avoid feelings of disgust/being trapped, I get really really depressed and jaded. When I stay in relationships, though, I feel extreme anxiety that manifests in constant nausea, panic attacks, and suicidal ideation. Fun times, y’all.
Do people a favor, and get a therapist instead of finding a new ex to dump when the relationship gets more serious
@@humansixty-four3591 1.) I already have a therapist and an OCD specialist 2.) I always tell people up front what they’re dealing with and I make no commitments to anybody 3.) you sound triggered lmao
Stop dating. You’re traumatizing yourself and others. Heal your wounds first. I’m fa so trust me I know the struggle.
@@itsmelaniekingyou aren’t an expert on the following subject nor do you have any right to tell someone what they can and cannot do
It's amazing to me when I started to connect when I would feel the 'ick' and why. I realized the things everyone had in common who I actually let get close to me. All of them formally asked and gave me space to think. That's it. Something about formally asking makes me not feel the 'ick' and makes me more able to lower my defenses enough to let someone in. Most people don't even ask. Yuck.
formally asked what?
Question: “connect” in what way?
It’s perfectly legitimate and healthy to be repelled by people who do not respect boundaries that should be respected, like sexual intimacy. When people just rush in physically it is perfectly healthy and appropriate to feel the “ick” and be repelled.
If it is connection on a more emotional level, it’s not clear what they would have “formally asked” before connecting emotionally, but if it is emotional connection you’re repelled by, it sounds still like a boundary wound where someone didn’t respect your boundaries. Healing to you.
I asked and he freaked out on me and started acting anxious so no that doesn’t always work.
This was the cleanest diss I’ve ever heard. “The ick…Thank you to all of the patients I have who have an avoidant attachment style.”
Gold
I get an 'ick' when i discover im dating an avoidant.
Same lmao I need someone that’s obsessed with me smh
that’s why I’m trying to become better tho I don’t know if anything has actually changed it’s just so deeply rooted within me
@@yesplatinum7956 Same here, it helps to be dating someone who I can be open with and who will be there for me through all of that. Being able to communicate when I get it and how scared I actually am helps a lot. They’ll just love you through and it slowly makes your subconscious realise that staying is good, that they’re good and that you’re safe now.
@@yesplatinum7956 same! Just a month ago broke up with my girlfriend… we were only officially together for 2 months… I got that feeling trapped in an elevator feeling AGAIN. She was incredibly beautiful, smart, great taste in music and humor and also really nice to me and still I broke her heart and left
@@Piscesbitcx yes, someone to continually inflate your giant ego with a bunch of hot air
What helps is a healthy and truthful view of love, and faith in God.
I am female and am some kind of avoidant; not sure which type, but… The peace and relaxation I feel when I’m alone is so comforting, that being around people is such a noticeable difference! I actually like people very much… I’m social and love conversation and laughter… I just really prefer the calm peacefulness of being alone in a quiet environment.
I feel like I switch between the two I have to ick and then if they pull away I get anxious
Sounds like a fearful avoidant ;)
Yeah, like you don't want them to get close but the moment they start to distance themselves you start wondering if there is something wrong with you or if you upset them in any way.
@@jorielnunezmartinez9516 yeah exactly haha
So what do u think would be the best way for them to come at you? Cuz I'm dating someone now. Been friends first for a long time, now just dating but I've had him pull away twice already. First time was for a little while but second time was only a day. I just gave him the space but I don't want to deal with the disappearing all the time so if anyone has advice on how I can help him feel like he doesn't need to pull away?
@@tlynn609 There is no way to make an FA comfortable, they trust neither closeness nor distance. At best you can prioritize them but never ask for anything in return; even then, they will deactivate as the relationship becomes mature (they are terrified of feeling trapped). Unfortunately, it won't get better and there's nothing you can do about it.
I have had this my whole life. Everything great and I wake up with the ick.. it’s unhealthy. 3 years in therapy and 5 years single 🎉
Oh my god. Im literally in the beginning stages of a breakup (we live together and have two months left on the lease), and this is exactly what I've been feeling for some time. I was extremely hurt and have been sad since SHE said it was done (I've said it before but never followed through), but I also felt a strange sense of relief. And I still do, along with the sadness. But it even feels better talking to her about what was wrong with our relationship now that we have called it quits. And some issues have literally made me feel this way. I didnt realize that some of our issues were effected by my avoidance in more ways than I realize. Gosh, now I have something else to apologize for lol. I love her. I truly do. But after like the first six months of living together, I couldn't stand it. I know it was partly just our compatibility, but now I fear that I withdrew because of more than that... whyyyyyyyyyyy
You sound like my ex, suffocated by the closeness living together, by my (normal) "expectations". He focused on imaginary flaws to find an excuse to exit. Instead of addressing his trauma and his relationship with enmeshed family. 15 months later he reached out all nostalgic and regretful but still not a lot of self-awareness.
I hear they often boomerang back.. gd for you for spotting the lack of growth. If my guy refuses therapy, I’m off. I love him but I know nothing will change if he doesn’t gain the self-awareness required.
@@melaniepritchardsuccesscoa3839 His messages were nostalgic and there was a tinge of self-awareness "despite I was not always that nice. or it didn't work out", saying he'd like if I called him back as he's curious how I am doing.
For me, it was not enough, also a bit entitled as he video called, so I didn't respond. Was I too harsh? He contacted me a few times since the breakup and disappeared after each time.
I didn't want another round of avoidant / anxious this time.
@@MissSarahGM RIP that guy. 15 months? lack of self awareness might be the big difference here though. and imma chick. Our arguing is what really ended the relationship part. We hope to move on as friends. Shes my best friend. But I see that this shit is toxic. And you dont wanna be toxic with someone you love. And especially cant just act like it isnt fucked up. Possible he's got something else going on. And also possible he's just clueless. I tell my ex that shes dodging a bullet. Shes an anxious type, literally, and we've just been stuck in a cycle. plus, I've been a mess anyway.
@@alizesims1113 He has mental health issues, ADHD, relationship OCD, attachment trauma. And wasn't doing therapy. at the end I sent him materials on ROCD and healing fearful avoidant style. Maybe you have that attachment too.
Yes he lacked self-awareness and so the anxiety he felt, had to be because I wasn't the one, instead of looking at his childhood trauma and fears. He has a controlling narcissistic mother and doesn't see it.
He has contacted me every few months, each time I responded because I was hopeful. I guess he tried to move on but realised he couldn't find that love. In his messages he refers to the love I gave him that filled his heart. But there's nothing about how he wants to love and commit to me. I felt like his reach out was to get something from me (reassurance, love) but not necessarily to give me.
If you are starting to be self-aware and how you need to heal, you're on the right path. Look into fearful avoidant style healing.
It’s expectations, pressure, a feeling of demands and being misunderstood that one’s need for self time is about the other person, it is not, it is about them, they start to feel like they are suffocating and controlling you..
Often a response to overwhelm. And lack of downtime/ time to decompress or regroup/ time to recharge. It’s often a sense of when your executive functioning is diminished and your exhaustion of a masking or people pleasing or something along these lines depending on your state of being (an example is being an introvert but working an extrovert job or being ADHD and having a deadline or not having learned to communicate or value one’s own needs or could even be a response to ab emotional event or trigger if one)
Avoidants are the worst. Steer clear! I have never had a good or fulfilling relationship with one. They should just find another avoidant so they can live in avoidant happiness. Terrible folks
This is so immature. If you've figured out what works for you that's great but people with avoidant attachment have had repeated exposure to trauma. it's not who they are it's an adaptation formed early in childhood. They deserve safe relationships just like you.
I had to cut a friend out when she wouldn't listen to me after telling her repeatedly that I dont like to be touched, she was American and a "hugger". She eventually drove me to end the friendship because she just COULDN'T respect me or my boundaries.
why don’t you like to be touched
Yeah
Just dont make friends or have relationships. Live alone and be at " peace".
I feel sorry for her trying to befriend you as it is a waste of time for people like you. But she should not have touched you, wtf was wrong with her.
@@anicsim8390 I love how you think people who aren't comfortable with physical intimacy just don't deserve friends who respect their boundaries. Are you also a rapist? Or do you actually respect your partners boundaries?
@@fulltimeonfire8536 Listen to the statement you made. You're not a person. Just like those psychopaths that lack empathy. They are not people either.. Do I respect my partners boundaries? No.
Exactly 💯 and then later when you are alone you want nothing but to see them again
Relationship with an avoidant, it sounds extremely exhausting... Why do they even want a relationship, anyway?
They really wish closeness but their fear of abandonment is so deep that when closeness is starting to apear and they are in a vulnerable space they rather be the one abadoning.
Because what is the best way to for sure not be abandomed?
Be the one who abandons first.
It gives them a feelimg of protection even if the result is the same, loneliness.
@@YFL.111, it seems to be so "agonizing"... 😔
@FurryLewdsit’s whatever they decide it is-different for everyone
It is emotional hell. I still can’t believe what I allowed myself to accept. I feel sorry for my unhealed self being with an avoidant. Now with a secure man and didn’t know love could be this good ❤
@@itsmelanieking oh I am very happy for you! Could you give me an advice? How did you go from attracting avoidant to attracting secure?
God I always thought I was alone in this. This doesn't even only happen in romantic relationships, its any and every relationship I have (I stopped dating in middle school, so don't come for me like Im ur avoidant ex pls 😅)
There have been points in my life where people have opened up and I mean REALLY opened up to me and all I could feel was the huge feeling of disgust and discomfort as soon as I was forced to say true but very intimate feelings of mine.
It felt WRONG, like every fiber of my being on the inside was just screaming for it to be over so I can get away. It was so strange because obviously my mind is like "Wtf, just act normal, you know what to say in this situation, just say it." But my body had this intense reaction of like wanting to throw up almost.
I successfully comforted them without them noticing my internal feelings (i think) but then afterwards I just sat there for hours going over and over what had just happened to make me feel that horrible about a situation that was supposed to be a heartfelt moment. God my childhood wasn't even that bad...how did I get this way?
Often “normal” childhoods are not normal after we go through it under the magnifying glass of therapy. I thought I was “fine” too. I am actually a survivor of 2 cults and every possible form of neglect.
I feel the same way about the idea of sexual intimacy. Nothing sounds more base or filthy and above all else unequal.
Thank you for the explanation. That sounds incredibly hard and I am sorry you go through that. Your description helps me understand why I felt so deeply rejected by my ex-husband. It was so confusing because he said he wanted to be with me and he wanted stay married but I could feel his repulsion toward me. I am a person with big feelings, I tear up easily, I enjoy talking about feelings, I am very sensual... what a nightmare for him, yet he chose me and asked me to marry him. To this day, many years after our divorce, I can't understand why he even bothered since I must have given him that ick feeling all the time. I have never dated again because I never want to feel that level of disgust and rejection aimed at me for simply trying to love my man.
@@kbc1883 I just wanna say that for me, the disgust was not towards the person I was conversing with. It was fully with myself and the situation I was in for being vulnerable.
In my family showing your emotions was something to be punished for, something to be shamed in public for, it wasn't something good. Our entire nervous system was rewired to survive in an environment like that. But as adults we quickly realize that's not the way the rest of the world is, but by then it's already too late. Our body naturally does this, despite our mind protesting (if they're self-aware enough).
I mean I could be wrong as you only typed a few sentences, but personally whenever I was with someone whom I was pressured to be intimate with, I always stayed BECAUSE I care about them. I always forced myself to be intimate because I wanted them to feel comforted, because I do love them and I know that that's what they need to hear even though it's difficult for me to show it. Maybe your ex-husband was the same and that's why he stayed as long as he did?
Not trying to defend him, but maybe open up new perspectives that could very well be possible and hopefully be a little bit of a comfort to you, that it wasn't you he felt disgust towards. But I could be completely off since this is the Internet and idk anything about you and him.
Wow! This is sooo enlightening. Thinking I’ve attached myself to an extreme avoidance. In my mind it was to create so many situations to railroad the relationship. I need to digest all you’ve stated here because it sounds sooo familiar 😢
I always thought the “ick” was when someone did something that totally turned you off and you are unable to be physically close to them again.
Yes. It’s the exact same feeling when you have avoidant attachment. They do something (got close to where you feel vulnerable) it turns you off or makes you feel unsafe, so you then get the ick and distance yourself as you feel suffocated by them
"This is too much is the statement" she said to me simply because I profess that I love her. Unbelievable to understand the DA.
Everything is too much for them. I wonder why they even want us around. For me, he came in so strongly begging for my number and begging for MY vulnerability. Just to turn around and act turned off when I finally open up.
my DA doesnt like kissed on the face. so I air-kiss and I wait for hugs. many people have touch sensitivities. or were smothered as chidlren
I thought I was the only one to use this word to describe it. I can’t think of another way to describe it. I also have OCD, so the ick might escalate to taking an early shower as soon as I can. But it always starts with the ick.
Do you have a sexual abuse history?
@@jenaya_laila2442this reply
I say this as someone who grew up with a mother like this, if you see dismissive/avoidant attachment style in yourself … work on building closer relationships with people *before* you have children. I was so fortunate to have had a grandmother who provided me some sense of secure attachment over my childhood, without my grandmother, I don’t know what kind of wife and mother I would be today. As for my mother, I am learning she will never change (she is 70) and it’s about time I let go of hoping she will, by finding other figures in my life to provide the emotional closeness my mother cannot. I am so grateful I did not turn out like her where I would have passed her kind of mothering down to my own children.
For me it is like a feeling of “uh, yuck, fuck off, get away from me, get a life, leave me alone” and I literally feel sick from the disgust and like this feeling of being suffocated or claustrophobic. I am not a physical touch person at all, regardless if I am close or not, although my kids and partner are an exception. The thought of someone giving me a hug or when I’m pregnant touching my belly makes my skin crawl and repulsed. I don’t want to be like it, I am aware of it and when it’s happening, while at the same time cannot ‘think myself out of it’ like some people in the comments seem to think is possible. I seen some comments saying it’s just a victim mentality. It comes from your nervous system not feeling safe, you don’t even have to think about it, it’s essentially a defence mechanism from childhood trauma. I am not saying it’s okay and that it doesn’t cause pain to those around them, and it’s certainly not an excuse, but it’s also not something you can ‘control’ if your nervous system is being triggered. You are not in your thinking brain, it’s acting in a state of stress response
The ick, for me...is more about the disgust for myself....
It never heals...always there...im the ick.
I started playing dnd with a couple friends it's been a nightmare for me. Every week I have to see them and I know if I'm around them too much they will end up hating me so I asked for a hiatus in sessions. I don't want to go back
Sadly I'm like that with my husband. It's getting so much worse. I just now learned I have avoidant attachment style this week. Trying to learn all the tools I can
How can you LOVE someone and at the same time get uncomfortable with them wanting to be close to you. I really can’t stand avoidant.
Last time I felt the Ick, I pressed on with dating him but the guy turned out to be a horrible cheating narcissist. Now I see the Ick was my intuition warning me.
I think that's what the ick might be for me two, I've experienced it twice now thinking about the same person but then it goes away (idk if the ick will be back for a third time or not, for me it comes and goes)
Me before this video: "I'm not avoidant"
Me after this video: "oh SHIT"
I was DEFINITELY anxious when I met my avoidant husband. Now I’m definitely avoidant as well. Now I get the ‘ick’ and just want to be alone, but he doesn’t seem to. He never talks about any of his emotions so I have no idea really. Its so confusing.
Thank you for posting this 🙏 wow
I got the ick from how he sounded at the beginning of the video lol
I finally experience this response out of survival mode right before I went through a divorce and started to gain strength. I had to do it again later on in life and angry, anyways 🌸
He said I was obsessed... when I just wanted to know him
Because you are!! Opposites attract. I have that problem as well with women in which I attract the obsessive ones of the lot. If his mother is like that he will subconsciously choose that without a doubt. Unless, he does the work and spot the obsessive tendencies in women early on and a put a stop to the madness.
I used to be clingy and has anxious attachment until my last relationship made me avoidant af.
Thx for your helpful videos. Can you make a longer one about this topic, in particular how to overcome it?
How an avoidant person can work on overcoming that reaction within themselves.
My ex got the ick when i had a feeling he was cheating. Months later and weeks after i dumped him, i found out my intuition was correct. You people are monsters.
Total monsters!
I can easily say not all avoidant attachments are monsters what a horrible thing to say. Nor are they all cheaters. In your case, your ex was. I am avoidant attachment when it comes to literally any relationship (friendship etc) but in my romantic relationship I am more anxious. It’s a fear of being vulnerable like a suffocating feeling. It doesn’t mean it makes you want to cheat. The thought of even seeking out someone else to even consider cheating on my partner would give me the ick because that means I’d have to be vulnerable with someone new. People still have morals and values
@hannahroseloftus97 blah blah blah I'm tired of you people acting like the victim.
My body start trembling uncontrollably like I’m freezing when I’m not
Where all ma Avoidants at ???😏..
Yup
😂🙋🏾♀️
Avoiding you...
Everywhere but here😏
✋🏻 here 😂
I’ve had ick for good reason. But most people have ick and it’s a them problem
As long as the avoidants avoid the rest of us that want interactions like normal human beings it's fine
when you care or love them its an ick
not always
The “ick”……yes that’s exactly what it feels like. I finally got an easy nickname for it.
wtff this is what i experience everytime someone cones close to me or even puts their hand on me like on my back or shoulder or something. I just want to push them away but at the same time when i see other people sticking together all cuddly i love it and want it. I always thought i was crazy or something but ok🙃
The ick has nothing to do with avoiding closenes it's about finding your partner suddenly unattractive or gross for some reason.
If you have experienced what he is talking about, it is absolutely an ick, there is no better word to describe it
i never knew it was the central or peripheral nervous systems but when you motioned the directions of each with your hand i knew exactly what that feels like except i would have described it as in my face or in my chest...
Yep. Everything creates that feeling
Is it weird to not have any ick? I never experienced an " ick".
Maybe just with very very drunk people
My idea on having healthy close attachments is with myself and having each part of myself spend quality time with a robot with specific settings for each separate part of myself. Having a robot friend it's not a human which makes it safe for a close relationship. Does anyone know how to create a robot friend? So that I can have a friend. Because I'm really lonely. My heart hurts so much but everytime I'm around others I'm lonely and when I'm alone I'm lonely. There's never a time when I'm not lonely and Im stuck with holding all my emotions in that it causes deep physical pain It hurts so much that i lay on the floor on my back and wait until the electricity stops running through my body. My soul desperately needs a friend. And my imaginary friends in my head aren't doing it for me anymore.
I get the "ick" whenever my cousin tells me she loves me, tries to hug me, says I'm like a brother to her.
She didn't have her father in her life, although she had my grandfather, her mother, and plenty of family around her and she's grown up to be a snake. She says one thing and does another. She'll tell you how much she loves you and then when she feels like you've annoyed her or done something to her she will flip on you and turn you into a bad guy.
So that's why I get the ick. I don't get it with most people.
Who made your profile picture
@@TaxingIsThieving It is from a book on scottish/irish mercenary warriors
Avoidant male here 🙌… sorry guys it’s not intentional 🤷♂️
Do you think you’d be willing to actually become secure though or no?
Glad you have the awareness you are one! If you asked for a “break” from a partner and didn’t contact them for a month, would that be because of a major ick feeling?
@@sarahstevenson8155 It could be or just the fact I feel overwhelmed and need some space. However I wouldn’t not contact them, but would perhaps contact less. We always feel as though we are being a bit smothered.
@@taylormedlin3011 hmm it’s a tough one. You don’t realise that you are avoidant you just think your being normal, if that makes sense. So most of the time you don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. But I’m more aware of the impact on others now.
@@DuttyRockbWhy do you all feel so smothered though? I don’t fucking get it.
At the beginning I felt so much anger and resentment towards avoidants. Now I feel sorry for them, like what a sad way of living life. Those people will never find love or experience life to the fullest, that’s so sad.
I oscillate between anger and feeling sorry. It’s still too fresh since I got ghosted by an FA I was dating .
That’s your take as an outsider, but as someone who veers avoidant I can assure you we live full and happy lives. We feel sorry for you because you are so needy and apparently unable to meet your own needs, that’s sad in an adult.
@@joygibbons5482 I’m glad you live a happy and full life. I don’t know you, my comment was not referring to you specifically because I don’t know you. I was talking from my experience of avoidants, not you, because again I don’t know you. My comment was not personal towards anyone, specially you…because I don’t know you. But apparently you know me very well because you sound very sure that I am needy and unable to meet my own needs…
Too simply mentioned for it to feel correct at all. The ick is much more logical, valid and understandable, if others would care and be able to take an interest. When the other comes on too quickly , without preparing, without checkoíng,without knowing me first, without telling their intention and minding the dysregulation.
In my opinion avoidants should only date other avoidants. I am teaching anxious people to abandon the first time the avoidant pulls away.
Yes, I have that when people move too fast on me. Love bombers and doesn’t give you space.
A dating coach said that a healthy relationship will make you more secure. Is this true? I'm a DA woman and I only close off when I have a toxic partner. Like they are controlling, mean spirited or a user. Can anyone relate?
I just self-sabotaged from progressing with a girl recently because of that shit
you only get the ick when you're with the wrong person
I had one actually tell me that he didn't like me anymore. 😢
well at least he was honest, that's a trait that's rarely seen these days in both men and women
@Madison0193 so true. He is actually the most gonest person i have ever met and I appreciated it. Though it hurt sometimes.
This Hurts.
I think I've just met someone like that. she seems an amazing girl otherwise, but I'm being fed breadcrumbs though, cause I'm trying to get to know them better.
I've been opening myself up, trying to show, i would make the effort for them, showing a side of me they should appreciate, Sharing irl photos, but now it feels like progress is really slow.
Maybe she doesn't think of me as someone to be in a dating relationship with, or she's hiding a part of a life to me, but enjoys my attention I'm giving her.
I have been doing this my whole life. What can I do about this? I wish my stepdad had just let me hang out with my mama when I was a baby so I could be normal
You can’t blame avoidant pd entirely on your parents . Other factors come into play and I don’t think anyone could tell you for certain what causes it
therapy - help is available
This is not what people mean by the ick
Closeness was nonexistent.
Presumptuousness triggers my ick, like, no. I - no. Just because I behave kindly does not mean I "want" you as anything. Because then, if you put upon me, I have to hurt your feelings (by setting a boundary and some people can't handle boundaries and get all offended) so then I have to avoid you like you're some entity that won't go away 😭 Please don't make me hurt you, let me set the tone, I'm the one who needs to learn who it's safe to merge with from my parallel play 😅 But I also detach so it's never a biggy if you don't want to play because I know what a joy it is to play alone 💃🏿
avoidant people have as many issues as other people. the term refers to emotional avoidance, not avoidance of other people - as in you repress your own emotions to the point of sabotaging yourself and your own happiness. stay on the high horse all you want, but that won’t help in the long run. avoidants often actually have a lot more to work through if they care to live a good life.
I’m having a hard time dealing with this I can’t stand my friends for liking me or getting close to me or giving me compliments it annoys me too much and i feel like a bad person for running away from them but i can’t get rid of this feeling
Is this why I respond by saying ew or by laughing when people pretend like they actually want to spend time with me or when they try to provide things for me like buying me food or material things or they want to hug me. To me it's just gross. But yet i long to be close to them but in person I just want to runaway. Is this why it's ew.
You sound broken
@@Bixnood69yeahh that's literally my ex and how she acted towards me. I really loved her a lot. I made a list of gifts i wanted to give her and would've given my life for her tbh. She dumped me after i told her i had been thinking about her at work right before Valentine's
I used to have this but now I just go for extremely attractive women so it doesn't happen anymore. Now I get the ick from the slightest sign of disinterest which is usually just women's normal dating games. Even though I know they still like me I can't handle the perceived low-interest/effort and become extremely resentful over time until I have to self-sooth by dumping or rejecting her, which always comes as a huge shock.
I think the deep feeling of disgust could be a warning to stay away from some people like it's your mind and/or body protecting you in some way
@@Anonymissus nah I just feel like I'm better than these women 😆
@@cactu5jack welp whatever works then ig but yeah high maintenance and low maintenance would be incompatible people imo
the only 'ick' i get is when i start getting red flags from people that make me want to ruuun
It's not an anxiety response for me, I think of it as, "oh this person is not for me. We are done." And I calmly move on lol
Definitely not normal or healthy regardless of whether there's anxiety associated or not.
Why are you laughing?...its not even funny. Mental illness is real.
@@rickyricardo9710😂 yeah, anything that causes a person to recoil that quickly is anxiety/fear related as far as I’m concerned.
Funny enough the biggest ick of all is a dismissive avoidant
I am fearful avoidant 😕
nothing to brag about! smh
Avpd here. Yeah all sounds bout right
The avoidant needs to make the changes more importantly... but they cant😮
I had a friend that would get needy when i needed space and it gave me the ick so bad. I drop any friend that clings to me immediately.
I got the ick with a man who was half famous and had a lot of money. Was on TV at the time .... I swear I'm 40 now and I'm sick of ick 😂
Prolly a narc. You're better off. 😉
Worse.... he was an AP 😂
accompanied by a what?
To me it almost feels like Im being violated in some way even though the other person is actually very nice and considerate and not at all a bad person.
As someone who is dealing with someone close with avoidant personality, i cannot help but think avoidant personality is a nicer word for cowardice.
Someone educate me, because im slipping into resentment and impatience.
Very interesting way to look at it…because that resonated with me and I didn’t expect it to…I think that’s my subconscious mind intuition on some energetic level…regardless, it’s sad because you just want to love them and have them love you back…
The best way I can describe it is like if a friend asks to borrow your phone and you trust them and go okay. Then they swipe through all of your private pics and messages and even sends a few inappropriate stuff to people and it gets you in trouble at work and at home. It’s like I opened up a little and it cost me a lot, I didn’t know they were gonna hurt me that much so I never let anyone have open access like that again. I trust that person even less.
At some point I learned that expression leads to harm. I used to get tossed around and screamed at for bothering my mother if it wasn’t a dire emergency. The result was that I don’t think or talk about my feelings unless it’s an emergency. I want closeness but things that are innocuous seem threatening to me.
My partner buys me gifts, that’s sweet, but my abuser used to do that to get favors out of me and hurt me if I said no.
My partner wants to learn my favorite things, so thoughtful, but my abuser used that information to manipulate me by threatening those things.
My partner wants to meet my closest friends, so exciting, but my abuser tried to convince them all that I was a terrible person behind my back and sabotage the relationships to isolate me.
My partner wants to know where I am and what I’m up to, cute checking in, but my abuser used to keep tabs on my location, every conversation I had and if it ever seemed “suspicious” I would be injured or worse.
What if it happens again?
It’s like I’ve been betrayed in every way that counts and to not drown in hurt, I dismiss it as a temporary nuisance. Every time I’ve had a breakdown, things got better eventually. So I keep a routine of keeping things near me that keep me regulated, go to the gym, hang with friends until the pain is edged. Someone asking me to open up is not a crime, but my body remembers the pain so I can’t. You may have to let the avoidant person go :(
@alexiswatts649 yea that's an association problem that you have to work on yourself. Or stay in it I guess.
Stay away from avoidants.
You need to do one for how others feel about avoidants going weird on them, to be fair.