How Narcissists Use YOUR Nervous System to Regulate Themselves & How To END This
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The truth is with narcissistic abuse you become under the influence of something that you have no idea that you're under. By definition, the person that coined the phrase narcissistic abuse - which I talked about in my last video - it was Sam Vaknin who coined the term narcissistic abuse and part of the reason he did so was obviously to distinguish it from emotional abuse and what I liked about how descriptive his definition is that he says narcissistic abuse involved brain washing it involves psychological invasion. Now had I never been through narcissistic abuse, had I no idea what that was I would think that was a little far fetched I'm not going to lie. But when you've been through it that is exactly what it is so today I want to talk about how narcissists regulate themselves through your nervous system - that's part of that psychological invasion. And the reason I'm talking about this is that when you don't understand what they're doing and why, you play into it, you play into their psychological dance. AND you do things that are helpful to them - because they need you to behave in certain ways in order for them to act as their best self. But those behaviors that you wind up falling into are super beneficial to the narcissist and super damaging to you. So I want to make this information known and available first of all so that you can understand it - when we can understand it we can start analyzing it objectively and we can find where we are falling into these behaviors that are damaging.
#narcissist #narcissisticabuse #cptsdrecovery #emotionalabuse
That is evil.They only feel calm when you are stressed out.
Yes
They don't take personal responsibility for their own feelings.
They rather project their sh*t onto healthy people to regulate through.
I notice my dad get all moody when a narc cousin visits.
emotion swapping. These people are possess by evil spirit that were one time in the presence of God, and enjoy the peace and love, now they are cast away and they need people like us emotion to regulate themselves so they do not jump off a bridge. They ARE evil to the core.
The lowest times in my life because of him, I started to notice were his happiest. As soon as he brought me down he would be so chipper and happy. Once I regained peace he was back to griping and sulking.
Oh I so identify
It's so weird that they do that, right??!!
Yeah jesus help me so insane
Its not normal be happy when you sad and water you down.when you happy i notice this.begin singing of hapines lol
My brain knew all along something was wrong within him, and I was not exactly wanting to fix him but I was fixing myself and he got more irritated the better I was getting. Towards the end he literally said "you don't react anymore, you don't play, you don't love me, you love your job more, your phone more, everything but me" I was at a complete dumbfounded loss of words, I spent years exhausting the words until they were dead, the codependent defense within me is strong. But watching these videos I have learned so much, I am working on that wound!
What makes it hard is that when we don't react, they begin attacking others in the home or in the vicinity; even their children. And just like that- you re-enter the war, because you have to
Good to know!
Yes the pets,or the kids.
In my case it's better if he attacks others ie neighbour then the neighbour would believe it . Sorry he attacks kids pets though . Not fair ♥️
They are living proof that the saying “it takes two to fight” it’s just not true. I watched my raging exnarc fight with a pizza box he couldn’t get inside the fridge. I honestly saw him screaming at his hand once when somehow he missed the light switch turning it on.
The targeting of my children is why I went back. Atleast when I'm in the home I can mitigate the abuse he levies against them.
Duuuuuuude, ive said, its like my mom steals my good mood and wipes off her bad mood on me
It was the title of this video that caught my eye. Only a person who has survived extreme narcissistic abuse and is an empath, could come up with this, brilliant. It is beyond devastating when its both parents. I actually don't feel that my nervous system will ever recover. The abused person is the one who is labelled. So many people with complex PTSD who are misdiagnosed/ mistreated. I believe a huge % of people in psychiatric facilities and jail are just deeply traumatised. Narcissists are not broken, they are just pure evil and choose to behave the way they do and they know exactly what they are doing and they never become good people, end of. Only one solution and that's zero contact or they will cost you your life.
Exactly. No contact with Narc father. He wore my mother into dementia. Once she was totally gone mentally I got attacked (after a lifetime of this crap and finally figuring it out at 60). He will no longer have me to lash at and verbally abuse. So hard to stop all contact after a lifetime of this abuse.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO THEM. 🤔
@Sid Lopez they do though, they spend their lives inadequate,lonely and shameful.
yea i have began to realize they are just an evil strain
I say this all the time. My narcissist ex was beyond PYCHOTIC. Before I knew he was narcissistic I use to tell him I feel like he has a spell on me. He use to laugh and say he does. Then as months went on he became dark and manipulative. Just psychologically abusive. I met his father and he acted like his son was a good person. They all fuckin liars. Seems like narcissistic demons never get their karma. They go from person to person destroying lives
They love being in control, and they love seeing the proof that they have control
Isn't it easier to say that whenever you're happy, rekaxed, they feel envy and because they can't regulate their feelings, they spoil it for you. When you are miserable again, they gain satisfaction.
My husband actually told me my happiness made him angry. When I would get upset he would start feeling so much better sometimes even be able to sleep. Wow. So true.
I could physically see my ex light up when he could see my sadness. They are sick
Yep.. I have heard they actually believe we only act content to "hurt" them by depriving them of their power. It is diabolical.
My crazy ex husband used to say I was SO beautiful when I cried...intellectually I knew he was crazy...but I had a crazy mother and 2 crazy sisters who loved him...
Now I cannot believe I did not divorce them all years before I did.
My husband can go straight to sleep as soon as I finally blow up after months of walking on eggshells.
Yup-the day he said “I want to wipe the smile off your face….permanently” I knew my marriage was over . This man did not love me the way a husband should love a wife…..that’s when I knew I would need to leave the marriage-it took few more years to actually go thru with but God helped me out every step of the way once I became aware and decided
This explains why those abusing me have invaded my gaming hobby. They know it brings me peace and they can’t have that. What a rotten soul.
yeag they haven’t nothing in their live so they tried ruined other people happiness
lol went through the same thing
lol when i'm totally enjoying my Nintendo switch in toilet, they always give their 2 cents about me to grow up and be a real man
You are spot on my dad did this very type of abuse to me when I was alone with him it wasn’t until I was 33 years old and went to therapy and was diagnosed with being the adult child that suffered abuse from an alcoholic parent once I found this out I continued therapy and completely ended my relationship with my dad and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made as an adult
Good for You! I wish I left sooner. Staying in a narcissistic family causes soo much emotional damage. I finally went no contact to save myself.
For me it was my mother... she had everybody convinced she was happy and fun and the victim, and that I was the crazy, dangerous, violent one. This abuse is so diabolical.
@@kristikola777 exactly my step mom allowed it and my dad was slick an absolute monster 👿 after he passed away my sister was deemed insane and tried to kill her mom it’s a all bad situation 😢
@@kristikola777 my mother to, I had to finally cut contact with her
@@kristikola777 Sounds EXACTLY like my mother. I am 68 years old now and still am not believed when I say how mean, cruel, abusive, lying...My cousins try to argue with me because they saw her as sweet, funny, loving person, and say I am making it up. She ruined my life and I hate her
Tragically this dynamic can become internalised and be played fwd into the victim/s relationships. The abuse becomes reactive in us as we react to others as if they are the original abuser/s. Or worse we find another Narc to repeat the dance with, or a Narc finds us - unless of course we begin a path/life of recovery
Yes!!! That's why healing is so important =D
What I noticed is they like to appear like they are totally calm, reserved, and mature. They love to provoke all kinds of reactions like anger, jealousy, sadness and if they can cause this feeling they blame you for bringing the drama. When you don´t react as pleasant they hate you and try other badass games like gaslighting to at least confuse you make you second guess and question what the heck is going on. That permanent state of not knowing destroys your inner peace. If they know you try to achieve something they will distract you by games like that make you fail and secretly delight. They use your failure to put you down, convince you of your worthlessness, and their superiority.
My mother once looked super happy and calm when I broke down crying in a mall changeroom one day. I was shocked and confused and pretty disturbed. My ex boyfriend emoted pure joy when I disclosed a past trauma to him. When I asked him why he seemed happy, he said he was "just happy I was there with him". When I called him on not showing me empathy, He tried to gaslight me about the definition of empathy.
I had a teacher like this. She was writing teacher who pressed and pressed us to write our deepest pains and wounds. I genuinely thought she was doing it for our own good, but she looked absolutely delighted in the creepiest way whenever one of us started to cry...
@@priyao5097 sick
How are you now
That smirk they gave me everytime I opened up, especially after the gaslight and manipulation, and the most disgusting things is when they tried to convince me to go therapy, and later I went because I thought I have adhd and my therapist manipulated me and sneakily made a video of me and gave medication like I'm the crazy one and sent it to them, you can't imagine how they smirked in joy and let me know that they tricked me. Now I don't know which one I have after this video probably both but I can't help myself unless I leave the country but I can never heal because even though I cut off all the narcissists and toxic people but I still have a parent that triggers my wounds everytime.
Accept yourself 100% and the narcissist can't touch you.... I think.... but there's no telling what these psychos might do so listen to your fear and instincts - it's there for a reason
Anything is possible with a narcissist
When I was 6 months pregnant, my ex husband and I got into a fight. It quickly escalated because of his word salad. I asked him to please stop because I was scared at how I was feeling and the effect on the baby. The look in his eye of pure joy at my fear and pain was terrifying. He looked at me and said, no, i will not stop.
He meant it. Best believe
Need to leave now believe too late and does number on your kids as well . Sorry for truth but you do . ❤️
When I was 8 months pregnant, my husband provoked me, and I said f word and he slapped my face.
@@br9791 so sorry x
I always wondered why every roommate ive ever had eventually grows to hate me even tho i just leave them alone and do my own thing. I work from home and tend to spend a lot of time relaxing but people seem to absolutely despise me for it. This makes so much sense.
Your happiness is torture to this clowns
Same here! I used to hear about how “lazy” I was. 😅😅😅
I stayed w my dad for a couple weeks and couldn't understand why every time id lay down or try to rest, he would start banging dishes around or playing loud war movies or whatever he can do to make me irritated, it was every time id feel relaxed he would try to passive aggressively mess with me. Then once im nice and pissed off, he is in the best mood ever.
exactly same with my mum its literally so annoying
Same my mom would run the vacuum
Same w my ex I could never rest
SPOT ON!!! I knew I wasnt crazy and always angry. He had me convinced I was flying off the handle for nothing. I couldnt understand how he remained so calm and yet I was the hot headed one, which I never had been.
Did you ever have an unusual moment where you were extra " zen" or calm and maybe in grey rock mode and they were losing it and then looked at you and asked straight up..." How are you so Zen?" Mine did this when I stepped in between him and our son and I thought he ( my ex/ sons dad) was probably going to severely hurt my son over something sort of minor even if done on purpose. They were yelling and fighting and he sort of acted like he heard a director say " cut" in a movie and looked me straight in the eye and asked me that. I was like huh? What? And said I don't know and he got really calm too and I just talked him to a better place but my son was still amped up, worried to get a fight but quiet. He usually is quiet. This discussion and your comment made me think of this moment. It reminds me of how the woman calms down king kong or Natasha calms hulk. It is a real thing that can become toxic when it is not really a choice or mutually beneficial relationship.
This. So so so much!
I've never been angry or loud in an argument in my life until this relationship happened.
I seriously questioned what was happening and thought I must have changed. I must be doing something wrong.
I now realise that she was deliberately looking for ways to trigger me. Doing anything in her power to provoke a reaction. And the calmer and more reasonable I tried to be, the more she hated it, she the more she ramped up the pressure and the insults and stubbornness.
I was not able to heal my wounds in the presence of a provocative, terrorizing, manipulative narcissist, not nearly. I could only do that after I had banished them all from my life.
Also, once they have poked you enough and you react they think you really must be guilty about whatever they're accusing you of.
A NARC coworker tried to shatter my parasympathetic calm state by making an abrupt sound without success. Then, to my surprise, I was literally poked on the shoulder.
I tell ya, if I was a different person, the situation would have escalated.
They are always mad. I could never understand why for most of my life.
25 years until I woke up. I hadnt a clue what had happened to ne until I cane upon the word , "Narcissist".
Affecting our nervous system can and does cause chronic illness
Anyone experience anything like their significant other planning things or doing things without telling you first? Then when you voice your frustrations with not being consulted first they tell you that you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill? That’s my situation. Pisses me off and then they say I’m the one with the issue because I’m mad and yelling.
YES then they enmesh themselves with your family in order to keep tabs on you, incredibly manipulative。🤢
For more than 6 years. First I noticed was we went on a cruise at 3 months dating. He'd been on cruises before, and knew I hadn't. He didn't bother to tell me to pack a few nights of formal wear, so he got off on me being flustered and not ready for the big picture or formal dinner night.
Nearly everything since is same. I don't even know when he's ordered something we spoke of when I brought it up as a quandary. It kept me "pinning" for his attention to get an answer. It's what puts us below them, in their heads.
On the other hand, you do something without consulting them, even if it's no real concern of theirs and won't directly affect them, and it's the end of the world.
Often, they inform you when a joint task , trip, family outing ,etc WILL occur but wait to tell youuntil the day, or the hour , before the said event. Just enough time to have you cancel or postpone what you had already planned to do. Over time resentment will build .
This happened a lot to me in my first marriage , and I was often left feeling like an angry child because her plans frequently conflicted with work I was doing , work she knew was important to me ,but yet was rarely acknowledged by her as worthwhile , except on some occasion to make others think she supported me.
At the time I worked as an instructor and teacher while also doing a lot of volunteer work for some professional organizations in my field. Although I earned enough to pay our bills, I made more money with a two consulting fees than my wife's weekly salary, but I was seen as having more "free time", when in this free time I was writing class material, scheduling students and clients , or planning meetings or conferences. I would be happily engrossed in such work, when a something we had to do needed to get done NOW. If I raised any objection , I was , according to her, selfish, lazy , uncaring.. .
Yes, in the end I probably did appear childish and unreasonable, as the negging and baiting triggered unhealed anger against my parents who did not see the worth or value of intellectual labor and around whom I used books and study as a defense mechanism to avoid adopting their habit patterns and lifestyle.
@@noworneversoulbeachBetter yet, under my ex wife, my parents and sister became her "flying monkeys" . They idolized her as a real daughter and she was their "golden child /hero " to my "black sheep/circuit breaker" . My parents (and unmarried sister) were deeply enmeshed in our marriage/ relationship .
Had a terrible year long relationship with a narc, abuse manipulation, emotional terrorism. It wasnt until i decided to heal old wounds, and get to the bottom of it. I realized i had been in emotionally unhealthy relationships all my life. Starting with my father, these relationships dont come out of no where. Im healing and i want to make amends with people ive hurt too. It might take a lifetime but i wont ever allow myself to perpetuate another bad relationship to another empathetic person.
Wait, so were YOU the narc in that relationship or were THEY the narc? Your wounds of the past are not the cause of the abuse by your narc. It’s THEIR wounds of the past that made THEM narcissistic and thus emotionally abusive toward you in that relationship.
@@1kalicid im not the narc, i dont manipulate in relationships. It was my wounds that caused the hurt in my past when i met the narc all she did was watch my behavior and she knew how to play with my feelinsg ina way to get me to hurt myself. Her wounds caused her to need supply, my wounds caused me to be codependent. What i mean is she had a history of hurting others, Nd i didnt realize until this happened how unhealthy ive been in relationships. But im not the narc, the past 2 years ive been working on healing core wounds. So this cant happen again.
I like both of you
It is a good day when you become aware of a flaw in your thinking, and you’re able to start to correct it. That can only happen if you’re not guilty and afraid. A narcissist never knows a lack of fear. They can’t stand to see you cope with yourself and the rest of the world, because they are so empty and powerless to do so. All they can control is their loved ones, in whom they invest all their negativity and rage.
Excellent analysis. Going no contact is always the best answer. Keep those folks away from you.
They are truly a different breed (or seedline).
My ex narc always said I was lazy, and I hated him for it. Because I worked full-time, cleaned the house every day, did all the shopping and paid all the bills, took care of our kids and went to college at night. It's taken me a long time to get over his insults and realize he was just a strangely critical and toxic person. He would often put me down for not being outdoorsy or athletic, when he himself was neither of these things. I would be criticized for reading books, while he sat and played video games for hours. If you're with someone who is a pot calling the kettle black, run the other way!
Sounds like your husband was completely unworthy of you. But he must have been a darn good actor to get you to marry him in the first place.
I believe those monsters comes to our life to teach us a lesson
Lesson repeats until learned
Energy is contagious
Positive and negative alike.
I will forever be MINDFUL of what and who I’m letting into MY SPACE 💫💖💫❤️❤️❤️
Noone ever deserves such a lesson. I am 47, and after almost 2 years of trying to help myself out my own truble, I just saw my mom in her real state (right yesterday), when she said that my teenager nice should be put in state care because of her behaviour. She is a 14 years old, confused (abused) girl. She does not deserve the treatment she has had from her parents. I did not deserve the treatment I had througout my life from my mother (meanwhile I have been trying to please her in many ways just to get her attention). No. Noone has any lesson to learn from any narcisssist.
And you know, I have never had gotten to this knowladge if there is not an accidental offer from youtube. I was not interested in any psichological issues whatsoever and never before heard about narcissistic abuse. And if I did not click (after many recommanation) I would not know anything about it to this minute.
💯📌
It was Elan Golomb in her book "Trapped in the Mirror" who wrote the the first book on narcissistic abuse. Sam Vaknin's book came out two years later. Dr. Golomb had an abusive, narcissistic father who told her she'd never amount to anything. She goes over case studies of her patients and her own journey out of the narcissist's abuse. She coined the phrase "negative introject" to describe what the narc leaves behind in their victims.
Negative introject, I'm gonna search it. Thx
As in, 2 "narco-Nazi-psycho" criminal introjects!
T'ain't pretty! - All I can figure is the RCC must be swamped w/ Calls re: Exorcism. 😱 Their office no longer even answers! And no CBs from a Priest. Per ny 2 Msgs.
EMDR is too slow. I'm looking for a Rapid Transformational Therapist. I can't be Triggered in Probate!
My relative. She blows up at me over nothing, gets madder and madder when I don't argue back, makes increasingly provocative statements, asks questions, demands response. I leave for several hours, taking care of myself. She's calm when I return and all chipper the next day. I feel used. And abused. And I'm sick and tired of it.
The longer I was married the less time it took for me to go from relaxed to stressed. Eventually it just took a look and I'd start to think "oh I can't just sit here .." And I noticed my kids doing the same. Thankfully I am out!!
It's crazy making. I'm 5 days away from him, and 3 days away is when I began to realize how tightly wound I was, thinking that every normal interaction with other people was going to blow up in my face or threaten me, just to find how quickly I move into fear and anxiety for what's happened over 6 years but isn't now.
It's taken years for me to detach, and be mindful of my inner compass. Because the attacks were so frequent, my mind couldn't get to the root cause. Removing toxic people had been such a relief. The hardest part was the beginning, dealing with what appeared like emptiness, but resolve has healed me in about 5 years. That's from 45 years of nonsense. Now can understand that feeling of becoming anxious when it first starts, so use mind power to take it down a notch. Tuning in to the inner compass tells me who to avoid. Be true to your compass, because that's god.
True ., my Father was a master at this . Exhausted every stress hormone in my body aging adrenal glands to the age of 86 years okd tested at 45 years old this caused chronic fibromyalgia and fatigue and UCTd and Hashimotto all diagnosed at once . But when i married someone just as toxic caused 7 surgeries in 8 years . These cluster type Bs should be all living together and stay far away from from any Empath
WOW! This is eye opening for me. I never knew why the second I feel good about myself I upset certain people or get shook into an uncomfortable state. I never could never understand why or how to go back to feeling good about myself.
Me too
Same!!
You speak with such eloquence on the subject. ❤️ Only people who've lived it truly understand.
As I begin to gradually experience what my parasympathetic state feels like again, I realize how much I missed it since I hadn't felt it in what seemed like forever. Thanks so much for articulating it so well.
The motivation doc on UA-cam says that rubbing your lips with one or two fingers left to right, back and forth for 30 to 60 seconds can flip our system back to parasympathic. Also I'm beginning to use herb teas like chamomile, lavender, passion flower individually and/or in combinations to help to bring me back to even keel functioning. But I know exactly what you mean. Reading books from the library is so fun and calming, but sometimes when my life gets stuck in the 'real life drama' fight or flight mode, I don't get books for months and months. I am thrilled to have just gotten a big stack of interesting books yesterday, so I'm taking a late summer parasympathetic holiday, where all my stimulus will be edifying and inspiring verse being on straight adrenaline and waiting with baited breath. And maybe I can pick up calming sewing projects, and do some spring cleaning items that always refuse to be done in the spring. Thank you for share this calm moment.
can it be healed?
I went from a Mother to a husband (10x worst than my mom) to several siblings, also worst than my Mom. My nervous system is shot; my body in pain... I have finally, ended All relationships. I hopefully, can heal my body.
I remember breaking into tears (a grown man) and saying I’m doing my best to please you! Suddenly she wasn’t angry anymore. At the time I thought it was she cared about me and didn’t want name to be upset but that was far from the case. She was relieved because she knew she had emotional control over me. She’d picked the fight, worn me down and won. As time went in I fought back and she steadily went into victim mode and called me abusive verbally for speaking the truth to her. Said my verb abuse killed her love for me. I’m not verbally abusive and she cheated on me from the beginning while lying to me as my father died. So she never loved me anyway. She still is the victim in her mind. Despite her many exes that have cómitres suicide or ended uo mentally ill.
Wow, exactly my ex.
Eww they are like parasites when you put it this way
@UCMaNCCrFE_F1w0dsVhhJg0Q yes, I was never very religious but now that I'm a bit more on the spiritual side I definitely believe in demonic lower vibrational forces.. my cutting people off and going grey rock/cold is so very on point now at age 32, I used to entertain these roller coasters of relationships but the more inner work and healing I do the less I attract these encounters.. very mind blowing how this reality works
Eww, ur far to kind!
Eww, ur far to kind!
That's exactly what they are! Dangerous ones.
Thank you for sharing this. This makes a lot of sense - based from my past experiences. I used to believe that all human beings were reasonable people; not anymore. I’ll stick up for myself now. And work on ‘forgive and forget’ in order to heal.
One time, I was visiting my brother and his wife. It was nighttime and we were sitting at the dining room table having a heart-to-heart talk. I'm sitting across from the two of them. We started talking about my abusive mother. I opened up and broke down crying because of how much she hurt me by putting me down for being a painter. (I'm A gifted painter) I glanced up and caught my sister in law wearing a sadistic little smile. When she noticed I caught her, she wipe that smile right off her face. Essentially, she revealed to me that she's a narc. Her smile was exactly like the smile of Kip in Napoleon dynamite when Napoleon got an electric shock from that time machine thing. *_SADISTIC._*
My mom can detect this 500 miles away!
Sooo true - distance means nothing when it comes to energy!!
Listening to this is making my jaw drop.
I'm wildly recalling all of these snapshots in time from the relationship w my most recent ex.
On the surface, yeah....it looked liked I was the "abusive" one. And there were times that I actually felt horrible for lashing out! And I was the one who ended up apologizing!
But I just KNEW deep down....that the way I was feeling...didn't make any sense. I was never a person who was suspicious or paranoid or had anxiety! I remember having this epiphany one night as I was ruminating in my own mind(sometimes even aloud, which would eventually make me laugh at myself and the laughter gave me some temporary relief. Which I later learned is very common when you are in a relationship w a COVERT, underhanded Abuser),...and it hit me. My emotional responses....were very disproportionate to what it SEEMED like he was doing/saying/acting like. I would feel absolutely ENRAGED for something that SEEMED, on the surface as pretty benign.
And it hit me that....there was way more going on than what it SEEMED like. I'm very intune with myself, my emotions and I freaking LIVE for those satisfying, good, deep conversations with someone where you walk away with a feeling a heightened awareness. I knew who I was. I knew I had never behaved before in the way I had with Steve. And something just clicked in my brain that night where it shifted my paradigm about the kind of person he was. As soon as I made the decision to extract the "emotional thinking" out of the equation.....the true dynamics of the relationship started getting clearer.
I started educating myself. Reading anything I could get my hands on involving emotional abuse. And I honed in on "COVERT," right away. Because he never once called me a name or said anything that was very DIRECT.
I realized that his favorite abusive tool was his uncanny ability to "play dumb."
And then it made sense! It made sense why he could never be direct or assertive. Because if he WAS? Then he wouldn't be able to hide behind the nauseating "Oblivious" card he dealt me all the time. With an almost undetectable poker face. Then I started seeing the patterns.
I learned what Cognitive Dissonance was and it still took some time to fully grasp that that's what I was experiencing!
Your videos have been very helpful! Thank you! I wish I would had stumbled apon your channel sooner.
They are COWARDS who cannot face themselves and manipulate their OWN self-hatred out onto others. But at the same time, orchestrate it all so you begin to doubt yourself.
Crazy-making! Gaslighting, Deflection, Projection, blame-shifting...etc. They were ALL present in my joke of a relationship w a joke of a man.
Dont talk to them, give short answers, when you talk it is about the weather, the garden, pets, don't talk about the things they not do, they are brilliant..🤮
When they come to you to put you out you're comfort zone..smile and say sort answers
And say ilove you so much..you are so perfect..😁
My mother in law set him to do a chore and dont speak to him..dont have personally conversation..how you feel..what you do, what you think, that is for you're friends,that are friends that he dont now.
That is exactly what happened to me! I am thankful to the Lord that He liberated me from the narcissist!
Praise the Lord Jesus. Finally could enjoy endlessly with my children without having the devil spoil our fun. Doing great since 18 years of dumping him.
I felt like it was a form of identity theft.
This explanation makes it so clear.
Thank you.
I was disregulated by a histrionic narc momster on a CONSTANT basis. im nearly 60 & STILL working on recovery of my nervous system....😕
Are you saying that if they feel unstable, their coping mechanism is to make you feel unstable because that power exchange helps them feel more in control for themselves - gaining that power over your emotional equilibrium helps them feel more in control of their own?
YES! Truly sickening isn’t it?!
They never think that they need help. It's ridiculous.
Wow Thanks Michele. I just got rid of my Narcissist girlfriend b4 I lose my mind🤯
Just to add if a covert narcissist gets a scapegoat child alone they can become a total overt narcissist and an overt narcissist will sometimes subtlety pick away at you to get a reaction. Covert or Overt their tactics can go either way
Well said!
Yesss!!!!
I was scared to be with my own mother alone .no one new what I was going through
When I tried to tell about the beatings I had to endure when nobody was watching my siblings denied I was beat up more often than them. They normalized the beatings and the repression saying I am playing martyr just to get attention but it's funny that the only thing I have not been accused for is being an spoiled child.
They know exactly what is going on and happy they are not the scapegoat. That's why they won't ever admit the truth; they will lose the narc's protection and will become the enemy.
In 2018 a horrible situation came up in my marriage and everything straight hit the fan. I didn't know what was happening. SOMEHOW you kept popping up in my UA-cam suggestions, so I decided to watch one of your videos. It was like you were living with me. I studied your videos every day for a YEAR. Everything you said would happen played out exactly how you described. EVERYTHING. Every reaction, every comment, every lie, every childish tactic, even down to cult family members we were living with. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw. It was like you knew my husband and his family!! Because of your videos I was able to pull myself together, take my kids and leave. From the bottom of MY HEART I thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I pray many blessings on you and your children.
Oh my word. Total identification. my mother. My ex-husband. No contact with them both. They made me nuts
They can do this to anyone if you don’t know what there going . I was called a liar for 30 years and I’m not a liar so it made me angry everyone has wounds everyone has problems so they can do this crap to anyone!!
I call this being treated like their garbage bins as it literally not only feels like a dumping but Is a dumping on others of their internal state. A few years ago, it became so crystal clear as the father of my son had literally just dumped on him so much anger he was feeling, after insulting my, son several times, he came back as if nothing had happened, he was all smiling and laughing and we were feeling so down and horrible.... There it fully clicked, he had just used his son not only as a garbage bin but he had used him to regulate his own emotions. After that he was really fine. That moment was so crystal clear to me for the 1st time. He uses and needs others to regulate himself. Simple. And heartbreaking at the damage it does to others.
This video explains about 99% of my childhood with a narcissistic mother. "Exchange of energy " is a brilliant way to put it.
OMG, you really explain those evil monsters perfectly!!! Unfortunately, my nervous system is now activated because of the flashbacks I'm getting from this description! 🥴
"You have to heal your wounds"? It's the victims fault, you suppose? Screw that. Never accept the subjugation of this manipulation again.
I agree. It’s not fair that this is the accepted cultural solution. We must burn the narcs at the stake. (Kidding)
Jokes aside, narcs need to face real consequences for their actions. I was depressed to the point of daily suicidal ideation growing up. I never took it out on anyone else, and narcs don’t have that excuse either.
Exactly what happened. Any time were having a good time he would make sure to ruin the day and or experience. I was calm until one time I exploded. So happy he's been out of my life. But, I learned so much about my self from the bad experience. He couldn't believe it when I told him I was helped by him. That's when he discarded me, because he couldn't harm me. And I began to see who he really was.
They were training my nervous system.
This is the story of my life lately with my narc mother. I swear, Michelle, you really have a gift for articulating this type of abuse. I find it so difficult to explain to others, even to my therapist who doesn't even take narc abuse seriously. I only see her because I'm desperate at the moment. And yes!!!!! Energy exchange!!!!! She is so good at it!!!!! I hate when I play into the cycle! OMG! And you are right!!! The provocations become more and more subtle yet more effective at getting a response from me!!! Holy crow! Last night I went from 0 to 100 and got so upset with myself later on when I realized I had fallen into her trap and had lost my cool. Ugh. I should have know better!! And so many times I have questioned myself and wondered what the heck was wrong with me because I had been trained to think that way. It's become engrained in me. And another thing.....I've observed that often times when she does this energy exchange, she will do it in front of someone to set me up to be the bad person. I notice she will often be on the telephone and make subtle comments that seem harmless to others but she knows might trigger me so that the person on the phone can hear my response. I can't count the number of times that has happened to me since I moved back in with her a month ago. Sometimes I catch myself but other times I don't. The phone is a fierce weapon for her. So now, when I see her using it, I know to flee the scene and steer clear. The woman has 2 phones with her at all times too! A landline and a cell phone. It's crazy. She's old and retired. She's not some important CEO or an on-call physician needing to have access to phones at all times. It's ridiculous! Oh!!! And another thing......I noticed that when I fall into her traps like I did last night, she will be VERY calm and also watch and observe me...she stares and watches my every move. It's bizarre. When I got upset I was getting a glass of water. She was just watching. There was no need to stare at me as I poured a glass of water. But she and the rest of the family do that to me all of the time! I could be doing the most simple, irrelevant thing and yet they stare. It's as if they are watching and waiting to find something to use against me. It is the most bizarre thing to explain because I sound nuts doing so. What is up with them watching and staring? I have so many examples of this.
It's like their eyeballs are glossy black!! 🥺 demonic s#*%
👋I can relate, I fell for the provoked argument 2 days ago and was disappointed in myself. I'm usually much cooler in greyrocking but not this time. I swear he left the room happy because I gave into the argument. But his words says the opposite. My npd husband uses my words i tell him from prior disagreements and repeat them back to me verbatim as if he'sthe victim. Yes, they watch your every move like animals. I've noticed that whenever they're talking in a crowd to someone else they look your way just to see your reaction instead of the person that they are talking to because they studied u so long that they know what to say to trigger a response out of u. I've come to the conclusion that narcs all act the same. We empaths have to watch our backs & protect our mental health. The world is full of unaware people not understanding the effects of npd! U can text me sometimes to compare notes, its hard to find people who understand what I'm going through...🤔
Narcissist's Stare or Watching. Several excellent UA-cam vids on it! It's real.
Same! The stare makes me sick to my stomach. Mother does it.
Yes my mother does it.
One of the best way explaining how narcissistic supply works in all my 100’S of videos i have watched on this npd topic. FANTASTIC and thank you 🙏
I've been researching narcissistic Behavior for a couple years this information is new this is important if it's fact ual this kind of information will affect healing
This makes so much sense. Why I am constantly hunting for rest and seldom actually feel rested. Why my parents would subtly confuse me until I was hysterical and then act superior when I broke down.
*_Do not cope with toxic, psychopathic, sociopathic people, just disconnect from them as soon as possible, change the city, even the state if necessary and invest your life-energy in yourself not in these odd-looking figures. Just be happy, free, self-determined and successful in life. Best wishes to you all._*
It's strange that itemizing all the things a Narc has done makes me feel viciously angry.....I've gotten myself out of a 10 yr torturous sentence married to a narc and everything you say is TRUE but 3 yrs on I'm still healing and sometimes I'm afraid this anger is now apart of me.....not becoming a narc exactly, but worried my triggers are on a hairpin trigger like a narc.......it's scary but I'm still pushing through
Thank you. Yes, I can recognise now how my nex did this. He would disrupt me every time I was doing something that I enjoyed or when I was relaxed and I did notice that when he managed to make me stop what I was doing and feel annoyed or upset or just divert my attention onto him then he was calm and happy. I took antidepressants for 10 years when I lived with him. After he left me I was deeply shocked and stressed by his behaviour, and my dose was increased for a while, but underneath all the emotional and practical turmoil I felt more relaxed even from the day he left. I reduced and then completely gave up the antidepressants in the middle of our divorce, a year after he left, and have never needed them again. Your video explains why. .
As a psychologist that has been through it and stopped it w "observe don't absorb" on you tube by Ross Rosenberg M.Ed. . meditation can increase parasympathetic activity.
Reduce your own wounds and it will reduce the triggering power of the narcissist.
That’s what I took from this good video
My sister told me once that she likes to (fight) it makes her feel alive! No one was talking about this back then like they are now. She lives in chaos or drama and trauma. Keeps everyone's mind on the trauma and drama and off the source.
Just like the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain.
This is spot on. Narcs like to short circuit others.
Truth. Undoubtedly this is the reason for the narcissistic smirk
Dupers Delight.
Soo true, the best solution is get them out of your life.
This is 10 years into narcissistic abuse researching and this is setting words on their constant unease. My mother, sister and some people i meet is exactly like this
Stay away from them , you dont owe anyone anything even if its family.
I stopped giving them anger. I only show sadness and loneliness because its how I feel. But I noticed that makes them happy too. Whenever I tried to genuinely connect..it doesn't work and I end up in a negative state. Every single interaction.
Michele, Thank u so much for HELPING ME FINALLY UNDERSTAND why my narc mother ALWAYS starts fights with me when I'm calm, relaxed and happy. Out of the blue, without me doing anything wrong, a HUGE FIGHT begins over something tiny that she blows up like a volcano. Immediately after the fight, she is happy, relieved, smiling, content and peaceful, while I am the exact opposite...enraged!! Until now, I never realized that my calm, happy parasympathetic state angered her. She is only happy when I'm unhappy!! She is the most miserable, hateful, hurtful, unappreciative, angry, person I know. She loves to FIGHT about anything, anytime!! I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 1 year...and I never been so calm, peaceful, loving, and centered. Thank you for all you do!!!
I am for peace; But when I speak, they are for war. Psalm 120:7
Going true this myself with xwife, thanks for this advice Michelle very helpful, narcissusts are evil evil people and should not get away with what they do.
Thank you so much beautiful angel , you have no idea how much that explains everything to me 💫💖💫❤️❤️❤️
I used to like playing guitar and drawing but noticed anytime I did my wife (I've recently escaped from) would think up some mundane job I could be doing instead so I stopped and lost interest in the things I did before I met her.
Yes!!! It is completely brain washing!!!!!
Ann Born,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌷,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
@@christianpulisic7784 you made my day ❤️❤️I am but getting out 😊
it's absolutely truth. it's like spiritual wampire-feels pleasure to drain others... My ex. covert narc's auntie was even singing from happiness by making me upset & making him believe her lies... its so sick or just demonic, or both...
The demon controlling them (with their permission) is trying to get you to SNAP. Remember that old crime show called "SNAPPED"? Narcs were behind many of those "criminals" who finally SNAPPED and murdered them.
This enlarges on the idea that all during g the relationship they love bomb and then devalue over and over again which puts a person on an emotional roller coaster. I started a separation unbeknownst to him and then he gets nice gives me money and does the nicest things...which makes me think how could I leave now... then bam..they go back into Mr. Hyde mode.
Either a sedative, or pain relief that allows them to go from where they were to energised, up beat.
I did end it. I started meditating and doing self care, deep work and journaling. When my ex could no longer 'use' my nervous system to regulate himself he went out of his mind. Completely fell apart. He could not stand himself - he hated his own emotions when he had to own them instead of giving them to me to deal with. I could see it all so clearly.
This all resonates with me. He is an overt narc. I didn’t know the difference but you have put it so simply Michele. Thank you. He hates to see me happy. He loves drama. I try and stay calm but last night I’ve made me so upset emotional and angry and he then called friends to say that I was a fruit loop and if he didn’t turn up for work in the morning they will know something has happened to him. When he knew I was recording him he changed his tune lied through his teeth about absolutely everything to make out I was the one ruining the relationship. He gaslighted me last night. I need to leave but have nowhere to go. He controls everything.
I will start to feel more like myself.
This is how All Narcs Think
It's not you it's me. When I yell at you. I yell at myself. When I hit or cause harm to you. I do this to myself !!
Now say sorry to me for something you did 3 years ago !!
You pointing out that we get to the point of always being on edge reminded me of when my ex had just been released from prison and I was out fishing with friends. I had a sense of foreboding and finally mentioned the feeling to one of my fishing buddies. She pointed out that my ex used to punish me if I was out for more than 30 minutes without him and that he was released from prison the day before. Even though I was now divorced and nc I still had that fear conditioning when I was out having fun.
Darlene Cane,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹🌺,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
@@christianpulisic7784 Thank you so much
This sounds exactly like my mom. Always gaslighting and making me look like the “bad guy” when I try to hold her accountable for how she treats me. She always denies and lies and says “I don’t remember “ yet when I say I remember and explain it it then switches to “I didn’t do that!!” But I thought you didn’t remember…😒
My mom too. Says can't remember.
I always called this “throwing a wet cat in my lap”.. unfortunately ive know more than my fair share of these narcissists in my life
Ive noticed that especially in down time or specific instances of practicing self care or feeding my soul by doing something personally gratifying that these psychic vampires cant stand it and go on the attack
Ive realized that “they” cant self regulate on their own, “they” really struggle with being alone and being at peace, possibly because “they” even get on their own nerves without the dynamic of having an emotional punching bag there to unleash their negativity on
Its like they’re envious that you can just “be” in your own skin comfortably and they can’t so they reactively want to pull you into their misery however possible.
It makes me wonder about their infancy crying in their crib. How some babies cry but regulate and are able to self soothe to work thru it and other babies can’t. Those babies will continue to fuss and cry, maybe even get worse once the caretaker comes to help pacify them.
Those babies want to make sure its known how upset they are and the caretaker will try everything they can to help calm them down but the baby is more fixated on the expression of their displeasure and everyone is going to hear about it.
Its easy to make those connections from the baby to adult because narcissists always have a wet diaper and it’s your job to change it
You just described my husband and I over the years! Funny cause he even said that one of the problems was that I always blow up!
I just cant wrap my head around why they would be irritated with someone elses calm cool laid back in my artistoc space. Then they r all kinds of happy. Bit trying to hide what they just did. Couldnt understand why I was furious but wouldnt do anything else for them.
You are very wise to quote the infamous Dr. Vaknin-
I admire him but find his videos trigger me. Your videos guide me gently into truth and I keep coming back 😊✡
Never trust a narc to tell you about themselves.
that would totally explain why they flip on switch with everyone and avoid me bc im just a very reserved, calm person (on the outside lol). i don't have a "big" personality and am more of a listener than a talker.
This is such a brilliant analysis of what happens on an energetic level! So true, I've felt this, but haven't been able to articulate it. Thank you!
This is a perfect description of what was happening to me in my forty year marriage and I never understood how to stop it. I finally left the marriage. I knew he was crazy making, but it wasn't until I spoke to him after being apart for several years that I was able to see it. I saw his mouth moving as he spoke, but I was more focused on how unaffected I was by what he was saying. I no longer felt entangled emotionally with him. What a relief it was to no longer feel like his puppet being triggered and jerked around emotionally.
Michele- you hit it on the head! This is my mother and other ppl in my life, that no longer are in my life, I’ve taken them out, one by one, but of course my mother has been the most damaging. I would have to meditate before seeing her. She would say to my face “I don’t want to argue” but omg, she would send me flying. Now, she’s in a long-term care facility. And when I went to visit I said to her that at the first aggression I’d be gone. Guess what, she’s been on her best behavior. They know! Pls don’t be fooled. Thank you for this content.