How Narcissists TRAIN You To REACT & Be Miserable and How To Break Free
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- Опубліковано 30 вер 2024
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Oh oh oh my 14 years of insane marriage to the passive aggressive covert narcissist. My behaviour was horrendous. I screamed and shouted and ranted and raged and swore so badly. I was so ashamed. I was a monster. Divorced and left June 2017. Not one angry day since then. I have actually discovered that I am quite laid back. Happy joyous and free from all narcs
I hear you
❤
My stepmother is also a passive agressive covert narcissist. I have never ever shouted at her or sweared and she still says that I used to fight with her. So even if i argue or dont with her, she will tell others that i shouted and cussed at her. Reality does not count in her mind. She will imagine everything bad about us and only good about herself. This is how narcissists work, sadly
same here dude except it was 6 years. She managed to make even a chill stoner constantly frazzeled. when she left my blood pressure has finally been able to return to somewhat normal.
Going on 12 years for me dude! They know how to subtly push your buttons to where it seems like they're doing nothing wrong, but at the same time getting you all riled up. Then, the comeback:" I was only joking, or you can't take a joke."
No it's just that your jokes aren't funny. Where was the build up and the punch line? Subtle sarcastic remarks addressed at one's person isn't really a funny joke.
Narcissists will destroy your life, erode your self-esteem, and do it with such stealth as to make you feel that you are the one that’s letting them down and paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. 💙UA-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Exactly !
Yes. The really bizarre thing is how powerful the subtle messages are. Every narc boss (95% of bosses) are incredibly clever in professional abuse.
Spot on…
"Often the victim in an abusive situation will present as the more difficult person. Constant abuse creates a hyper vigilance and startle response. Constant gaslighting feels like being spun around, disoriented, dizzying and having one's brains scrambled" Found this and its perfect.
The reactive abuse was what switched the light bulb on for me. I came to the conclusion I did not like the person I was becoming and that somehow led me to learn about narcissistic behavior and I had to stop reacting to begin to figure it out
Bro same
*mam
Exactly. After you start raging they immediately calm down and go into this 'oh look whos crazy now huh' mode and be like 'imma not be affected by that crazy ahahaha' when THEY are the ones who started it.
This is what kept me confused. I always looked like I was the one who was crazy. I’m finally out after 10 years of this 👆
I’m glad you are free of it!
RUN!!!!
Yes! I got out of a narcissistic 10 year relationship about 8 months ago.
❤️❤️❤️Enjoy your freedom ❤️❤️❤️
@@earthorganics6883 I did not see it for what it was until 2020. I am someone who always tries to improve the situation. Now that I know what I know I would never make that mistake again
They push,push,push and then when l finally explode they point the finger at me. They are EXHAUSTING!!
I can't remember who I was before this abuse. It was inflicted upon me by an older sister who was enabled by my parents. It has been going on since I was born. I have now, 61 years later, FINALLY disconnected from that sister. I was so controlled by manipulative family enmeshment, guilt, shaming, and infantalization that I could never break free. Knowledge is power!!! It gave me the strength to hold strong to my boundaries and break free from the enmeshment chains.
Be strong sister.
🎀24 years of zero contact with a worthless maggot, sister. I will never speak to her again. She tricked me to get molested by the neighborhood perv. because she blamed me for us both being foster kids and the abuse. I don't tell people that I ever had a sister. When they ask I just say that I was a foster kid., and my daughter is my only family.
It is amazing how she expected to abuse and bully me brutally for 20 years and I'd always come back. Surprise B#$@, I'm GONE!!! The Eagles, "I'm Already Gone" says it so well. Bob Dylan, "Positively 4th Street" also hits home.
My narcissistic older brother (by 4 years) contributed negatively in a large way to my psychological development and low self esteem as well. My father had NPD as far as I could tell so I had written him off quite early in life as any source of male validation & support. So I looked to my brother for validation and he would occasionally be supportive and he was charismatic & popular so I hung on to the breadcrumbs he threw, but the reality was he was highly narcissistic as well and often would throw me under the bus metaphorically instead of being someone I could rely on for external self esteem. We’re in our 50s now & the dynamic hasn’t changed. He still looks down on me as less than himself and will often get quite agitated & bullying if I express any opinion that differs to his. He really doesn’t feel safe emotionally to be around
Exactly it became part of my identity I don't know who I am outside of being "wrong" or "problematic"
@@universaltruth2025 yeah that's why most of us become bitter towards our whole family and we're like oh crap I'm alone, when we can't fully trust our parents then we try to ally with siblings and the siblings turn on us because they only care about the parents
Yes. This is exactly how my wife (the attacker) would become the victim. She could spin me out and wear me down emotionally until I would plead for her to stop, then she would kick it up a notch, until I would blow. I would blow sooner just to try to end the attack. Now in a nasty divorce. Good luck everyone.
Same here. im convinced thats how alot of physical abuse starts. they want an excuse to leave. mine choose to cheat in a mental ward. glad i always knew how to get myself away from her when she would push me over the edge
My mother did this shit to me, my older siblings (the youngest is her Golden Child Flying Monkey), and my dad. Just level up the insanity until you lost your cool, then play the victim. So fed up.
Broken records will drive you insane and they know it
You must escape and find peace of mind
Thank you Michele
Great analogy. Im gonna remeber that. They are broken disgusting records driving horrific messages into your subconscious over and over.
Wow, it like I wrote this and your name is on it. TY
“Look at you” when you said that phrase it really hit home. My ex used to say “look at the way you’re acting” after he invented some insane story that I was cheating on him or something and he wouldn’t drop it. Basically, he would do whatever it took to get me upset, and then tell me I was crazy for being upset.
Yes, my experience is similar. In time you get more and more hypersensitive to their look or their tone of voice or their words then when they put a small criticism on you, you react strongly, and then you accused of being mean and abusive and unstable and overreactive.
They claim they are just living their life or minding their own business, but you are the unstable one abusing them. You know that’s not true but it’s like they get you confused so that you doubt your own mind all while getting more power and control over you.
Then they get third parties involved, such as going to a marriage counselor and then they turn the counselor against you and try to use them as another source to guilt and manipulate you to doing what they want
I was there. It was insane. My behaviour was horrendous. I was angry all the time. 14 years insane marriage to the passive aggressive covert narcissist. Free since June 2017. Not one angry day since then. Happy joyous and free
I was there as well. Free since January 2016. This video explains what happens so well!
❤️🙏🏼
To anyone out there struggling. It feels like you're fighting tooth and nail to get back to you. Fighting through the shame, guilt anger and frustration stick with it and keep fighting. These are all things I have been doing since leaving my ex 7 years ago and it wasn't until recently that I have started to feel whole and normal again. Even though it was a very long process it's been worth it and you will literally cry and thank yourself for sticking with you for so long.
Being ignored and the shut down will drive me over the edge. Have done this so many times!!! 😫 My “reward” is getting blamed for being the crazy one. Emotional abuse can be never resolving problems and being ignored, discounted and neglected, and alone in relationship, not just the overt type. This is so helpful! Thank you!
OMG! I remember trying to communicate in what I thought was a healthy manner. Nothing ever worked with him… I would make sure to always be calm and respectful…nothing worked with him. I remember one time rehearsing what I was going to say, & how I was going to say it…This is exactly what happened to me… I started questioning my sanity because I started lashing out in ways I had never done before, this video is so good I have to look at it 2x….this is so crazy! I’ve been almost a year out!!! Healing has been a painful journey but I am happy to be free of him!!!!
❤
He would push my buttons over and over, and I would try to do the "stiff upper lip thing" but it would eventually erupt. When I would cry, he would calm down, stop emotional abusing, and say that I was "too sensitive". All I could do was blurt out that was he had no sensitivity, no empathy. He wouldn't say anything.
Forty-six years of this exploitation and abuse from a narcissist mother, and I finally walked away. I'm still decompressing eight years later, still a bit reactive, but getting better.
Naturally, she went around playing the victim because she was "abandoned", but she had never called, never visited, never took the initiative to have a positive relationship. My kids were better off without her in their lives, anyway.
Exactly the same here. I feel so happier without them in my lives. I’ve also told members of my family that I love my mother and I would never turn her away if she turned up. Yet she never has. Not even a phone call. But that’s fine. She obviously doesn’t want to which eases the guilt of my decision to have no contact.
If she wants be the victim I can’t help that. But I can help myself not to be her target.
Wow. I'm realizing that my ex husband was this way with me. I was so young when I married him and he was almost 40. He manipulated me and used and abused me and I had no idea what was going on. I had no family and no friends to look out for me back then. When I finally got out of the marriage I realized that I wasn't the person I used to be before I met him. It took me a long time to detox off of him and I can finally say that I am truly living a happy life with my current husband
How horrendous!!!
My heart was always screaming that I was not the person that my mother and ex husband were making me 💔
Mine too and by my mother and ex-husband also!!
Mine too by my mother and exhusband... Sisters too... It's enough to make the most stable sane person seriously question their own reality and sanity...its pure evil
Sounds like the tactic my wife and her mother used - trying to get me angry so that I would look like the villain and they'd look like the good people. Eventually I stopped falling for it and walked away when I saw them going that route.
Yeah if you can go no contact then that can work otherwise they just push harder when you stand up for yourself
Exactly.
@@leahflower9924 exactly, now supposedly your the aggressor because you’re standing up for what is true and decent.
I’m so glad more people are waking up to this, including me.
I can’t tell if you’re still together or not by your comment. If you are, how did you get her to change?
@@elled10024 I had to leave - next month is a year.
This is really interesting and makes me think about some things. I loved my mother but she was saying hurtful things and treating me like I didn’t matter. I calmly explained to her in a letter what she had done, how it made me feel, and what I wanted her to do to fix it.I thought I handled it well, calmly and logically.well, I think she played the victim because I don’t know what she told the rest of the family but I received comments like ‘ we’ve had enough of you’, and they all turned on me and shut me out. All I see is that smug look on my moms face and the adoration as she looks at my sister when she is belittling and abusing me. I’m so confused and hurt. Suddenly I’m the bad person and I’ve reacted in ways I’m not proud, but it came from a place of deep hurt. Not liking who I’ve become I’m making my way back to the person I was, without them.
Yes, Trains you to be more like them so they can be more like you! So true.
Mine rarely got angry or called me names. He would become frustrated, aggravated and blameshift. He instigated and I would lose my shit! It's like shaking a soda can...eventually it will explode.
Yes, he would sit back and say, look at you, I can't talk to you when you're like this. Look at me, I'm calm, I'm not emotional. 🤯🤯🤯🤯
I have been immediately calling him out on his bad behavior. I say things like "you're abusing me right now" "this is psychological manipulation you're trying to do" "you are gaslighting me, trying to get me to doubt my reality" "you're treating me like I'm a child" .... Etc. Sometimes I let it slide but mostly I call him out. I'm not kidding, it's multiple times a day. He argues with practically everything I say or do. He assumes the worst in me constantly. He is the master at getting me riled up and then looking at me like I'm a lunatic. I say "you have created this. You pushed me to act like someone I've never been. This isn't me, this is someone that you have created." My phone goes off from a text and 99.9% it's my adult daughter (we are very close) he without fail says "who's texting you???" When I have answered him that it's her he will say "about what" and he tries to force me into telling him every little detail of our conversation even if it's private. At times I've thought "just give him the phone and let him read it" but I realize that would be a violation against her privacy and a boundary I don't want him crossing. Nothing will stop him from the repeated asking so I now say "I will just let you try to guess who it is and what they want" and I just ignore his "wow I was just asking..." With a "you're crazy" tone and look on his face. I yell out "ABUSE" "stonewalling" "gaslighting" "manipulation" when he is doing it. I feel like I am self protecting and desperately trying to keep sane and clear minded into knowing it's him and not me!!!
Talk to them like an adult and they call you a child. They constantly tell us WHO THEY ARE.
Tripped thing about reactive abuse: it's natural for us to want to defend ourselves. So, it feels like a no win situation with the narcissist. If I say and do nothing they feel like I'm abusing them by not giving them the time, if I fight back, they feel like I'm abusing them with my actions. Going no contact will seem like you are abandoning them. Know your intentions either way, self defense is not abuse.
Yes, this is my experience of it too!. It is insanity! It is truly like being between a rock and a hard place.
Evil nasty little children stuck with no emotional growth ever
It just sucks that no matter how you try to discuss a disagreement with a narc, they always feel attacked, therefore they claim that THEY are the ones using 'self defense'. Because to them, they are ALWAYS the victim.
Having been raised by a narc mom, there is no "before" for me to remember... I will never know who I could have been.
I was just thinking the same thing. You are most likely your true self when not around her toxic influence.
This is a good observation but why does every counselor on narcissism simply assumes that every victim of this abuse is just free to break up and leave while there are many who must remain in these relationships for important reasons, such as small kids in between or keeping a job to survive? NO ONE gives advice how to cope through that, even though it's much closer to the reality out there.
Are you in that situation?
My experience was the exactly opposite. When I did nothing, waa the perfect silent non existing child everything was great. The 1 time that I speak up my mind I faced so much verbal abuse, fisical abuse, distance, silent treatment ecc that...I lost my ability to say anything. I thought "If I remain silent everything will be back to normal even if normal suks is still better than this"
Remember that the black sheep is the only one who sees the family’s insanity clearly. He has to be erased! So they invalidate you to dust. But beware: when you do start speaking the truth and won’t back down, they also set you up to react, like Michele is explaining, so they can say you’re ridiculous or crazy…so they can invalidate what you’re saying…about them!
That’s why no contact is the final solution
@TiffanyxEmpathy Wow.
You can’t “win” with toxic people
So insightful. This cycle is never ending destruction for health people. I try to explain or share feelings with out blame, the more she wants to attack me, passive aggressively and insinuating insults. Trying to make the move. She knows how to target me. My children. She will say things like, you know the kids see you are stressed out and you seem angry all the time and the kids worry…, “
She flips like a light switch into “good loving parent” it’s confusing and causes a lot of tension on my heart and chest.
I've dealt w that all my life, my mom finally destroyed my relationship w my son. I advise keeping your distance, I felt guilty cutting her out of our lives so I didn't & now I have nobody thanks to her. She still abuses me daily it just doesn't hurt so much anymore. My son is just like her, my worst nightmare. God bless! Do what's right (healthy) for you & your kids, it does a lot of damage when kids here someone they trust trashing their mother or father for that matter.
Say “whatever” and walk away. It will work once and she will pivot. Be ready. Whatever is very freeing. Make that your mantra.
Probably BPD stay away and tell no personal things about your life; they are jealous of you and your kindness. Just remember when meeting new people take it slow be positive and don’t let them see your weaknesses trust must be earned slowly
🤯Wow, so this is how they try and get away with identify theft! It's like being conditioned to feel bad about speaking up on wrong doings, that are supposed to be spoken on by the way, otherwise silence = agreement.
Provocation strategy is a staple for narcissists. It kills 3 birds with 1 stone...1) damaging abuse (accute effects) 2) training victim, conditioning fir longterm abuse and captivity, 3) provides cover of innocence or victim cloak for the narcissist.
I can’t stop crying, this is what’s happening , on top of it , my body is now suffering organ failure and I weigh 90 lbs now and I’ve aged and suffer dermal collapse and much more at 29 years old. I was healthy 7 years ago! My body is literally in senior mode, please lord Jesus heal me from this demon! And stop him from our toddlers!
Start making plans to get away from him. Keep it completely to yourself. Just tiny changes that he won't notice. You will recover.
I can relate. I worry about my health. I feel it is a ton of stress on my heart.
Be as yr name flit away with joy. Mid age now only now thinking how dare they dismiss and bring flying monkeys others in to do same and the rages and criticism. They are threatened by you i expect and i think they sense your kindness dear one and they can squash your sensitive heart with a thrill and so easily. You are precious and loved by God who they will hv to stand before. Your conscious is clear. They will always carry what they hv done. Protect get away and all will calm down and you will hv peace. You are not their personal punchbag lovely xx
I'm going through this. Thank you. 😊 since 2019 sons covert narcissist. You can't talk to them. I tried. You can not reason with them. EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT AND THEY ARE PERFECT 🥰 THIS GIRL IS SO EVIL IF SHE COULD KILL ME AND NOT GET INTROUBLE SHE WOULD. LOL. I ❤️ THIS.
I'm blown! You have given me something valuable that I've not experienced until now. Wow, which is a professional that is so on point in multiple ways. I'm so impressed. 100% correct for me. Period. I'm so shocked that you have just explained to me what I've been going through / what I'm going through in thys moment. Thank you.
I have probably 1000 +hours of research on narcissism and anything associated with it.
Your explanation here is hands down the best thing I’ve seen for reactive abuse.
Thank you sooo much!!!!!
I remember stopping to react completely and after a while I realized how much I hated the narcissist. Finally I let go without a problem.
Joanne Duval,You deserve better 🙏
@@oscarwilliamson6163 thank you. It’s a healing process now.
I started to give her the silent treatment and she thinks im the insane one😂 i just do what she did to me for 3 years. But it feels so much better to not have the pressure on me to start a talk.
@@candace7310 Right? It takes the pressure off because you don’t have to respond. It’s the look on his face after a while. Priceless lol
@@joanneduval5532 I will be glad to know you.Are you on Facebook so we can always talk?
Wow that was eye opening. I have never heard of this theory. But I can definitely see how this happened in past relationships. No amount of mature conversations would help. Soon I would react out of exasperation. And yes, he would quiet down and just "look" at me or he would leave and ghost me for awhile, unconsciously saying that I was the problem, not him.
Thank You! I watch a lot of videos about narcissistic abuse - 1 year out of a 7 year abusive relationship, and by far... this has really been the most insightful to me! I never realised how much of "me" got lost in that hell, but you made me feel whole, healthy, and actually "okay". I am healing, I am finding me again. I have suffered a trauma I wouldn't wish on ANYBODY! I am forever changed... but sometimes change is good, and maybe what I needed to get back to ME!!! 🤔🙏🙂❤
omg... When you said how you used to be kind, patient, relaxed, easy to talk to and better listener ect... and now the short fuse, irritaed ect... babe I felt that. That has happened to me, and the emotion I saw in you when explaining those facts that someone has taken that from you, I feel so angry that I let someone gradually train me out of all the self work I had done through my 20s. In 12 months I've gone back to square one and I hate that I allowed it to happen somehow... But its so gradual.. suddenly realizing how erratic and moody I am, impatient, depressed, unmotivated, guilty... disapointed...ashamed. It's sad....
Thank you for making this video it gave brand new awareness to my life’s situation and a better outlook!!
You described exactly what I've been going through for over 40 years with my spouse. Thank you. This explained so much.
Dear Michelle,
I have to thank you from the bottom of my heart, I must say, watching this allowed me to take the first deep breath, feel the first ray of hope in nine years . !!!
I easily remembered your last name when I came on to UA-cam to comment here . Memory was something I thought was just gone . Honestly, I had no hope for navigating my way forward .
Again, I can't even express how powerful this presentation has been for me .
I never thought I'd feel or get free again .
Thank you
thank you
thank you !
You have explained this better that anyone. Since my teen years, around 15 or so, I learned unconsciously that if I raised my voice “protecting myself” they would not hit me, they would make a smirk and stopped raising their fists to punch me. That was the “peace”, me being a yelling person, almost imitating their rage to defend myself from them, but mine was not rage but fear. Thanks for sharing your knowledge Michele. It helps to understand and have more compassion with ourselves.
That evil,provoking tactic that they use ,can make you so mad that you want to knock thier narc head off.They do this on purpose and will smirk while doing it .Omg is pure evil what they do to you .
Agreed, pure evil.
i felt like beating the holy living f**k out of her, so i had to leave b/c i didnt want to go to jail. i have to be no contact b/c believe me, her time will come and i will hurt her! and im not a criminal--i am a kind, loving, patient person. one can only poke the bear for so long.
Oh wow. This explains two bizarre comments my husband blurted out and seemed to instantly regret saying. One was: “YOU are who I am SUPPOSED to be”. This came after alot of continuous putdowns that brought me to tears and me saying, “If I am so horrible and awful and crazy, then WHY did you marry me!?!”
The other was he said “I’m becoming you and you are becoming me!” He looked happy and gleeful and I was SO confused. Because he had torn me down all day. And I was feeling so bad about myself that I started putting myself down too. It was a few years later that I read about narcissism and the past 25 years made sense.
For a narcissist to say that is mind blowing. He must’ve not realized what he has said. But at that moment he gave you a glimpse to his psyche.
@@agablue9072 Mine told me straight up some years in, about being a " karmic" and a "long con ". Verbatim .
Astonishingly disturbing .
Michelle, what great work you are doing . 🌈
,( I had no idea what a karmic meant ) .
@@sacredquanyin8800
I have no idea what either of those mean. I mean I know karma, but confused as to what it means when someone calls themselves a “karmic” or and “long con.”
It took me 30 years to realise my best friend was trying to destroy me all along. I'm devastated it took me so long to figure it out. This rings so true. Thank you for this perspective. I have learnt finally to give him no emotion whatsoever. He has never been nicer to me since I've cut off his source.
Same here. 30 year friendship was fake.
“People” are usually “nice” to you until they get want they want. Once they have achieved their agenda they throw you away like your garbage.
You can't make this stuff up. The narcissist I encountered exploded on me one day because, according to him, I was "too calm", and it made HIM insecure (???) because he "felt like I wasn't being honest about my emotions". 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Unbelievable. These people are crazy, evil, and nothing more. They berate you viciously for being kind, gentle, and open, and then throw a toddler tantrum when the day finally comes that you wake up and realize that the dirt on the bottom of your shoes has more value in the world than their stupid ass ever has or ever will. It's honestly so pathetic. 🙄
Yep my malignant narcissistic EX boyfriend would go into rages because I would sit there calmly when he was having a toddler tantrum. He said it was my fault that he got angry. It wasn't possible to have a rational discussion with him. Life is so peaceful without him around.
Thank you so much Michele! I've needed to hear this from since I was a small child. Now I have a path and a plan. I can't thank you enough!!!!! Eric
Thank you for an extremely helpful and supportive video. We need to create those new associations where calm and composed behaviours are safe. Narcisists wreak havoc in our minds, their negative influence on our brains leads us to becoming tools of destruction ourselves. We need to get out of their vicious cycle of abuse. Thank you.
Hi Michelle, the 1st time I actually exposed to info regarding narcissism was through your channel.
I feel you save my life , what ever left of it .
Thank you for ever ,
This happened to me everyday when we lived together. He would bully and accuse and humiliate and degrade until I couldn't take it anymore. And then I would do stuff like taking baby picture and rub dog s*** in it. I can't even believe I was that person. But that's what he made me to be. I'm glad that I stumbled upon this video. I really needed to see this. Because that is not the person that I am. All I ever wanted to do was love him and all he ever wanted to do was hate me.
Sausage xxx
I know what u mean! ❤💔❤💔❤💔
My ex husband did this..... I noticed, I left, Because I didn't like who I was anymore. I was so volatile, and struggling with some of the worst depression of my life after 3 years of marriage. 2 years later I'm healthy happy and calm again. Depression isn't gone, that wasn't him, but the people around you affect it.
This is validation that I wasn't crazy.
THANK YOU!!
So True. I fell right in this trap. Thank you for opening my eyes. My fuse has been so short lately and I truly thought I finally found some peace since she's leaving me in peace. I have to start and relax and be my own self like before
I lived with this type of manipulation for years. So glad I got some assistance in seeing what I couldn't see for myself.
💚
Sounds like the new Covid era,vs. the time before Covid. (That fear of going out… getting too close to people…are we going to constantly live in fear the rest of our lives? What have the powers that be “taught us” to behave?
I'm surprised more people in the "anti-narcissism" community don't see it and some, sadly, end up becoming flying monkeys for those clowns at the WEF and friends.
Omg this is so amazing. Felt the same way. I changed into a completely different human. Incredibly short temper! I felt so bad about myself. It’s to the point where I am afraid to be with someone else because I don’t want to hurt them with who I was in my narc relationship. But I’m not that person. And I will never be that person again as long as I am with the right people.
I have a love hate relationship with my mom. I am extremely empathetic and sometimes her moods affect me so much I just want to run away:( I don't know who I am. I lost my identity 😢
❤️
My father was highly narcissistic (likely npd) and then my older brother followed his example. Since I was a child I seem to have been a magnet to highly narcissistic ‘friends’. They start off charming & nice but within a year or two they show their true colours - and the being taken for granted, verbal put downs and abusive comments start. I don’t think I do anything to create this change - just seems that familiarity breeds contempt. I am generally generous to these people but it seems to mean nothing. They then alternate between turning on the charm and the venom when they think they can get supply from other people. So sick of dealing with these entities.
Keep away from them.
I'm Spend Most Of My Time Trying To Watch For And Avoid Being Sucked Into Emotional Quicksand. So I Don't Feel Like I Have The Necessary Bandwidth Left To Do Positive Things Like Find Out Who I Am. Maybe I Will Get To That When I Eliminate Some More Interference. (Emotional Static)
Try meditating for around 15 minutes every morning and spend time in nature. That will bring more emotional equilibrium.
I don't want to go back to the person who was so easily taken advantage of and fooled. If I hadn't been so nice, trusting, giving, and honest, I wouldn't have been such an appealing target.
Yes you've just got to give all that good stuff to you now :)
If there is a person who makes you feel like you don't like yourself when you are around them, you are not the problem. If you are nice and calm with most people but a few just make you crazy, you are not the problem.
Can you do this while you still have to live with them and still undergoing abuse? I’m working on leaving but I don’t know how to get healthy enough to be able to work again and leave. No one puts info out about this , those of us stuck trying to get out need help too!
If you remain calm does that enrage him?
@@SamStone1964 sometimes, mostly he just keeps provoking until I lose it or I get punished
This is my life and it's ugly I heal some and find out just parts of me that was strong happy caring and loving and he sets me right off I don't know who I am anymore I'm trying so hard to find me I miss me I just am so lost
Thank you so much for making this video. I still haven't gotten out of the relationship but at least I know there is hope. When I'm finally free I'll be able to find myself again
I had a no fuse…I was completely confused and bewildered UNTIL they worked me for months and years, into a state of frantic frenzy from the nitpicking, bullying and poking. In my mind, I kept saying to myself, it must be me because they wouldn’t do this-I could not accept they did, what they did, on purpose and with purpose.
They took advantage of my happy go lucky attitude and exploited it.
They pushed me so far over the edge, I am no longer myself-which, I know, makes them happy.
It’s gross.
I have been calling it psychological warfare for a couple years and now I know exactly what it is…I doubt they ever thought I would ‘come to’ out of my little world but not only have I but I am documenting every single incident. I am having massive neuro responses but I am not stopping.
Thank You Michele *(I am a Michele with one l too ✨). I truly appreciate you and the others who have taken these very serious, life altering issues and not only explain them but offer solutions. Thank you.
Have you got away from them?
@@SamStone1964no
@@michelemurphy3541 Are you making plans to get away from them?
This is a great video. I never should have gone back to my family. I was gone for over three years, but got reeled back in to protect my dad once I found out my mother wasn’t lying to me that he had Dementia. The only reason I went back into that lion’s den. She was still very abusive to him, but I was able to lessen some of it. Then, out of nowhere, my sister’s husband took his own life. My older siblings and I all believe that it was because he and my sister had entered into a deal with her, the she devil. She gave them 50% share in our family farm, with the other 50% to go to them after her death. I feel like she probably started treating him the way she treats us. He was dead less than two weeks after they got the deal signed off by an attorney. He had lost a ton of weight in those two weeks and seemed hunted, the way the three of us always feel. He was married to my youngest sister, the flying monkey. My (our) dad died 23 days later. This was two years ago and I should’ve left the family again then, but have been worried someone else will take their life. I am starting to think if I don’t get out, that person will be me.
SO unhealthy! And sick on the narc’s end.
I've been watching & listening to your videos and I can honestly say that you have it all down to a science. You're extremely intelligent and I respect how you can explain these things to those who have thru these kinds of traumas from narcisissts in their lives. Me, being a victim of all the things you discuss in your videos is one that truly appreciates you for this. I never thought anyone in this life could understand what i've been thru and i was always silent when being abused; not knowing how to explain this to people; being made to suffer my whole life and reacting to the abuse in a way that made me look like "the bad guy". Please keep up the grand work
You are truly a DIAMOND in this present day & time 🤦🏾♂️❤💎💯
I still suffer from the after-effects of abuse that I went true because of reactive abuse. I was still a student and I remember class always been canceled at the last minute, I was coming to class and patiently waiting when out of nowhere the teacher called and said that the class was canceled, he didn't do it once, not twice, not trice... It arrived at a point where I didn't want to go to school anymore. I was forcing myself to go to classes but at the last minute, he always canceled... One day I couldn't take it anymore and I got angry, I ask him if he couldn't follow his own schedule then why don't we do online classes... The abuse started from there... He got angry, reacted and attacked my sanity, and asked if I had mental problems... His words broke me and I still feel the pain 3 years later... and it didn't just end there, his flying monkeys also came along and started insulting me too and asking if I was drunk... He, of course, uses his power to crush me and I was not in a position to react since I was a student and I would have faced massive consequences for getting angry... However, reactive abuse is a thing. Now when I feel my boundaries are not respected I no longer waste my time trying to talk... I immediately put distance between myself and the person. It seems I develop a form of avoidant attachment style due to this experience.
I feel like I've dealt with this on and off my entire life and not had it explained to me so well as you have here, thank you for that Michele. 💐💞 I imagine a toggle switch in my brain that I flip on or off as needed to reduce the time spent in that reactive state so I know to move into selfcare practices till steady again. Do you think projection identification might be part of this dynamic? 👥
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@@That_Handle 📝 My MN mum and her 'mini-me,' my big sister, trained me and my little sister in this, I'd leave their presence feeling gut punched and brain whacked for far too long, at first it'd play on my mind off and on for months, then weeks, then around 5 days until I worked out that I was the one who was wasting my time and energy by giving her any attention and simply had to firmly negate and immediately switch off her illogic of dumping her bad feelings onto me to cut any losses and actively refocus back onto what I was thinking and doing and spend time wisely on those who were growing me rather than slowing me. I've gone no contact with her and mum except for emergencies and I can tell you from experience boundaries don't work with them, it makes it worse in a way as they tell tall stories behind your back and double down on their abuse, are ready and waiting 10x worse, rage seeming to seep from their pores, when you do show up but the peace in between times is priceless. ✌️
@@louisegarner8888 ,
Oof, no doubt they have issues with projecting their internal struggles onto rage objects and you were, for some reason, made eligible in their minds to be one of them. Once they made you eligible as one of their rage objects, there is deep work they need to do to even acknowledge that they are utilizing you as one and you likely couldn't be the person to point that out or guide them. For you, onward and upward. 🍻👍✌️🖖
It's an unfortunate past but I'm glad you have come about and pushed off on the other side of things now and you have insight from the wisdom going along with you in your back pocket. I just like to posit that don't underplay that it may have created cPTSD reactionary/triggers in you for which it's within your oversight and capability to become self aware and not have that be passed on as projections on to others you meet. That currency exchanging of fear, loathing, anger/rage and quite possibly an inordinate irrational level and source of shame can be left with those of whom you spoke. Let the peace of mind sink in to you for some time to afford your self the relaxed, free-ranging thoughts of reflection, recollection and discovery time and possibly explore yourself without judgment in how they may have _potentially_ induced maladaptive lensing of your perceptions of people. The flip side of the same coin is that you are more adept at seeing (color/tint), distance to and fleshing out red flags as well. Best wishes. 🍻👍✌️🖖👋
Omg this is a crystal clear portrait of my sister. Over the years she has chipped away at my self-esteem and the belief of myself as a good person in exactly the ways you described here! There's an uneasy peace since my father passed away but im always on edge at some level, waiting for her next meltdown. Seems to be a biggie every decade and she's overdue now.
Okay, I saw his reactions and how he played good guy with our kids when they pushed me over the edge ( we have 3 kids on the autism spectrum and I have very little help) and he would suddenly switch to the calm, gentle guy with the soft, feminine voice over the last few years. I've been with this guy since I was 16 years old so the old me had been lost for a very long time. I miss her.
I didn't realize he was rewarding my blow ups with peace. Thank you for that insight. I'm gaslighting myself sometimes wishing he would change. I tell myself he's the child of a Narc, not a Narc himself.
I have big health issues and like I said, autistic children. The idea of leaving is scary. I don't want to live in poverty. I don't know what to do.
Yes exactly my ex husband would shut me in the bathroom and yell at me exactly and then video tape me after I would react !!!
Ha! My narc neighbor tried this. It backfired because I didn’t react. Made herself look like a fool. Reported it. No contact is the best.
They say I never say i that. Then they tell people see I told you how she is. It sucks to get out only to get into another one that I didn't know till I moved into it😥
I was a deep listener before reactive abuse. I need to be a deep listener with my kids, again.
A therapist had to train me to not react to prodding. It had been hard, but over the last 7 yrs. the behavior on both of our parts has become more healthy. Unfortunately I feel I have begun a “masking” through the process.
Just think tht their life is so pathetic tht this is d only way to get happinness.
How did they train you to not react to the prodding?
@@humanengineer812 You can step back and view the narcissist's behaviour as a toddler tantrum which has nothing to do with you. Just remain calm and neutral and curious. If they're not getting a reaction from you then they'll usually go elsewhere for that supply they need.
@@TheMeghajoshi It makes me feel bad because its my dad
Thank you for this video. This is exactly what I needed to hear because not only am I doing this in my current relationship (quickly over reacting) but I needed to be reminded that this is who I was when I was with the narc. I had to be… if I wasn’t strong and aggressive he would have killed me and that’s a part that is hard to let go of because I feel that it is the only thing that kept me alive. Being assertive and mean kept him from doing so many things that it became me..
But now my reactions throw my current boyfriend off, he says I go from 0-100 and he doesn’t understand how or why so he gets just as reactive as I do which isn’t good. I told him that this is who I am but he didn’t seem to believe me till he saw it for himself and I guess he wasn’t as prepared as he thought he was because I can get very mean.
It’s not for small things I get really mad when he does something really thoughtless like losing my car keys or popping two of my side tires when hitting a curb… that stuff truly sets me off and it’s hard to get back to a calm state for a while because it feels like something my ex would have done to me but deliberately. I know he does these things on accident but it’s the thought that he wasn’t trying to be careful with my things.
I never was like this before… I was always pretty positive and happy but now I’m just waiting for the ball to drop again and it’s exhausting really.. so thank you for making this video, it really validated my past experiences and gives me good direction in where I need to heal and why. Very important for this self journey here and very insightful so I can better watch myself before I explode again.
Was one of your parents a narcissist too?
It’s amazing people I’ve known for decades, and I think HOW DID I MISS THIS? And they battle each other for control over YOU! Then you’re discarded. At your lowest pony when you’ve been there for years for all of them, and trying to keep the drama separate from each of them. Exhausting
Yes and I know some of them must have connected on Facebook (no other explanation) many decades after last knowing each other in childhood. I'm happily not on Facebook and happy to leave them to their slander and manipulation.
Best one yet about reactive abuse. Completely spot on. With this I can heal.
Has anyone ever had where they felt like they were looking down at their body while the person was saying many emotionally painful things?
When she was in front of me,
the words she was saying started sounding like a metronome...
then I was looking down at my standing body from above. I could see her in front of me and I could see the tops of our heads and I didn't have to worry about keeping my eyes down so that I would never meet eyes with her because I wasn't even in there.... I wasn't even inside my body anymore so I was very happy for a moment until I got scared because that's not normal.
That was scary and I want to know if anyone has ever done this as a result of the pain from the mouth of someone in front of them?
That's the Holy Spirit protection, I remember being alone on a couch as a baby and everyone left the house, i was sort of beside myself knowing I mustn't fall off- only when I saw photos of the house we were at did I realise I must have been 9months old at most. Also my narc dad let me fall into a table cutting my eye, he didn't hold me or help me (the baby) until my mom came in from the kitchen to see why I wouldn't stop screaming. He pretended to help like it had just happened, he did it as a way of punishing my mom. But yes I was tiny and viewed it from above myself. I'm an educated professional now after escaping narc marriage, the damage runs deep but God's love heals and the truth sets you free. God has a plan for your life, cry out to Him in Jesus name. God of the Bible, not religion or churchianity...
@@FaithfulandTrue949 i remember my kindergarten teacher ignoring the fact that i scraped the skin off my nose on the playground. she read us a story and looked right at me. when i got home hours later, my narc idiot mother just wondered aloud why the teacher didnt do anything about it. i would have handed that teacher her ass if i was the parent! i have a scar thats imperceptible to anyone unless i really look for it. people are evil and jealous.
It is called disassociation, you split consciousness as a form of self preservation, it is an internal psychological mechanism aimed at protecting the spirit.
It's called disassociate to protect yourself from a direct hit upon your conscious level its a survival mechanism
I experienced this as well and I thank the fellow commenters for giving it its proper name. I still at the age of 63, drift into magical thinking and fantasies as a coping escape device. Unbelievable the damage people can do.
Exactly, they are constantly unsatiesfied, because we are confindent, selfassured, self aware, etc. They perceive this as superiority, but they want to feel superior so they have to make us upset, then their mental distortion doesnt seem as bad and in addition it calms them down, when they produce drama...
Yes my ex would sleep like a baby after drama and upsetting me. When I stopped reacting he would go into a rage. Fortunately he found a new supply. I hope they are happy!
Wow, feeling discomfort when "we start operating outside the belief our sub-conscious has" really hits home. Familiar anxiety rises up when faced with a challenge even though there is no clear threat. I wonder where it all comes from. I thought about past trauma and residual effects from being scapegoated in my family. The emotions feel the same.
Do you have that feeling like if some catastrophe can happen any moment soon after you stop acting the way they would expect? Even if they are not really present to see it but it lingers somewhere subconscious and feels like something terrifying is going to happen.
@@apriliamoon Yes it feels like something terrifying will happen. You do not know what specifically, but just know it will happen.
I don't know how but what u said makes real sense to me......hit home hard.
Btw, I have found there is actually a thing called ' catastrophizing. '
This is so true. I gave it right back to him and he would stop abusing me then. It felt so good! It wasn’t like the initial stages where I would cry for days on and be miserable for all the verbal and mental abuse that was inflicted on me. I felt that this is the only way of survival in my narcissistic marriage. But then I found myself always thinking of ways to give it back to him. I felt like I was like one of the villains in the soap operas who always keep conspiring to corner their targets. This is not me!! I have always been this happy go lucky, laidback, empathetic girl who everyone loved for her sweet nature before marriage. What have I come to be!!!
Please tell me what should I do then. This reactive me helps to protect myself from my husband’s narcissistic abuse, but I know I have lost myself in this. How do I handle the abuse? Leaving is not an immediate option for me as I have a 4 yr old child with him and am also financially dependent on him.
Plz advise me what should I do to survive.
When he verbally abuses you respond with “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “whatever” or “You are free to think as you wish” Stay calm and non emotional. Go “grey rock” which means to respond back as little as possible if needing to talk. With just yes or no answers and just the basic information you need to communicate about your child. Don’t expect him to share your joy or concerns about your child or anything in life. He wants you to react with anger to his abusive words to supply his feelings of empowerment and domination over you, because he can feel you were hurt and emotional and responding, so in a twisted way it feeds his mind that you care about him and won’t abandon him. But really he just wants you to continue to serve him and all his needs only matter. Soon enough he will devalue you more and more and will look for more females to supply his ego. He may discard you at some point and maybe even love bomb you to get you back and then cause emotional pain and confusion and destroy your self esteem and mental health because then he will discard you and love bomb you in cycles. Pray that he will detach from you and leave permanently with a new female supply but in the meantime, have a separate money and savings from him. Try to get work and income when your child is in school. Then go to the child support office and file abandonment when he leaves and get a legal aid lawyer for single moms with low income in order to get child support from his paychecks. It’s better to be single with your one child and have peace. Don’t threaten or warn him in advance. Never never do that to give him any advance information and if he starts physical abuse get out immediately and go to a women’s shelter for abused women and they can help you and your child to be protected and hidden away from him and then to move far away from him with your child in some instances. Also learn self defense for women in classes to improve your self esteem and train how to protect yourself. I went through all of this myself and I got out but I wasted 26 years in that relationship. Stay strong and always pray for guidance each day to stay a step ahead of him. These men do not change. They just pretend for 1-2 weeks and go right back to bad behavior. They even sometimes pretend to love God just to fool you and others. But you know the real him and how he acts in your home when no one sees him.
@@moonmomma8063 thank you so much. This means a lot. ❤️. I am so glad to know you could get out of that hell. I hope I can do that do.
@@krittikalahiri8142 As stated above do not tell anyone your plans. Make tiny changes that he won't notice. Just calmly go about your regular life while becoming more organised in your home life so you'll be ready for the next chapter in your life without him.
I’m just hoping that whatever I did wrong to deserve this is over when I die. I want to die and wake up with a new life with a mother that doesn’t abuse me.
Start planning your new life today. This life you already have will be so exciting. The fact that you are well aware your mother abuses you means you're way beyond her and strong enough to survive her abuse and get away. Start making tiny changes right now.
Almost 2 months separated. I live in the country. Recently moved to the location. I know no one . In my lonliness i am afraid i will break down and contact him. I remind myself of the mistreatment and push out the good memories to stay strong. I hate thinking bad thoughts about another human but, its my tool to avoid reaching out to him.
Being strong and independent is your superpower. Be repulsed (and then neutral) by the fact he has no concern for you whatsoever and has no interest in who you are. And be curious and excited you are becoming more of yourself every day. You're free!
@@SamStone1964 thank you.
Thank You for sharing this video people don’t talk enough about this subject!!! You are probably only the second person I’ve really seen go into reactive abuse aspect of Narcissistic abuse!!!
Hello friends🇵🇹🇵🇹🇵🇹QUESTION🙏🏿Ok guys serious question!we broke up with my narc, he blocked me on everywhere. And he was watching my stories from his fake secret account for 2months. (He thought I didn’t know it’s his fake AC , I know that 1000%) he would be sooo embarrassed..Nvm.BUT NOW- he blocked me from his fake account??! What on earth is that mean????it’s so funny😂please explain this game to me . Is he jealous of my “sexy” post or that I post a guy friends , or he just simply done DONE with me this time ? -FINALLY? Thanks 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿☝🏿
Hope he's done but this sounds more like flying monkeys sabotage... someone telling tales you know his fake account.
Trust no one, my own sister ganged up with my abusive ex against me which a 3 year court battle from hell proved was for no reason at all. Stay true to your own integrity, he'll soon be exposed 🙏
You could just stop using social media.
@@SamStone1964 1. Why do I act like a victim and limit my life ?
2. I can’t it’s a part of the f my current job
Also that wasn’t my question thank you for understanding
Yes my partner would say I can't be with somebody who gets angry and yells and finally after 3 years I said why am I getting angry draw line back to the source and it lands on top of your head you're creating the anger then that was no fun anymore to convince me that I was the bad guy
Thanks Michelle; you have explained perfectly the Karpman diabolical triangle. I knew about it but never looked at it with that perspective. 🙂
So funny you bring that up - in Thrivers School of Transformation this upcoming month I will be discussign the Drama Triangle - how narcissists keep you on it and how to finally get off of it!!!!!
My life has been hell with a Narcissist. Yes, I chewed his ass every time he hurt me. I am having to really stop myself and ignore him completely walk away or just say the word NO! He is just doesn't know how to handle this from me. I am over this no more living like this!
Start making plans to get away. But keep it completely to yourself.
You just perfectly described my mother and sister
Thank you for a this very helpful video. Is it possible to break free from the abuse while still being around the narcisist? Is it possible to rewire my subconscious in the same circumstances? Thanks once again.
Yes absolutely. Start making plans to get away but keep it completely to yourself. Just make tiny changes so they won't notice. Those tiny changes will start rewiring your brain.
Thank you! I couldn’t really find any information to describe what I was going through and this totally explains what happens to the nervous system.
Yea I had an abusive stepfather just like this from 9 years old, it was terrifying , I've had so called friends like this and a couple of boyfriend's like this. Trauma bonding. It's true , it takes a while to have peace again as I'm a very quiet, gentle , peaceful person. Now, I can't believe I was with them so long. My self esteem has taken a beating. Yep, they got me reacting back and true it changed me for a while, the way I handled stress.
Hello beautiful Michelle… I’ve been listening to your wisdom for a long time… And I love this latest video, it’s so true! One thing I would like to offer, is that this journey back to your real self could be greatly expedited if you keep in mind that what you need to do is ground yourself… Ground yourself ground yourself ground yourself… I work with CPTSD, and I have spent 35 years working with character, I do this physically, through the body… It is through our body that we will come back to ourselves… Thank you so much for your contribution to my emotional health
Glad you are sharing what people go through during this process especially after a person has leaves the relationship. I co-parent so the attempts by the narcissists to create a reaction continues. This process of handling it helps a lot. You are human, depending on the day it will require more energy to recognize and nulify the reactions and remember where you are now.
Thank you so much for sharing this video!!! 🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
You can rewire your neuropathways with awareness and conscious effort. We can untangle the past behaviours to get back on our healthy path 😎
Absolutely! And then you notice the red flags so quickly the narcissists don't get even a drop of supply from you ever again.
@@SamStone1964
Cheers