But it isn’t going to work out because their messed up, so no matter where they go…..garbage in can only = garbage out. So they don’t have the awareness to have a successful relationship so their screwed….we can take some solace perhaps in knowing they will have a miserable life no matter what. We get to live in a good way and basically they will suffer and we can just be happy about that since they are bad people.
While I can sympathize for people with avoidant attachment issues, I do draw the line there - they are not my issues, and it is completely unacceptable behavior to me.
Ditto. No time for them. Are They Giving Me Breadcrumbs? Coach Craig Kenneth ( avoidant attachment) It's impossible to have a texting relationship ---Natalie Clarice Texting is a toxic, avoidant behavior has been normalized in society. It's artificial intimacy.
If you know you've done no wrong and still you get ghosted, don't chase after what runs away from you. That's my belief anyway. If you don't respect you, no one will.
Julie, I agree 100%. The problem is that they randomly reappear. I guess next step is restraining order. Blocking and going No Contact doesn’t work when they appear at your doorstep.
Women quite unknowingly betray men, and do not bother to ask how, or bother to listen. For example, women readily talk about mens sexual performance. This is betrayal that will get you ghosted. Feel free to disagree/come up with excuses.
@@salliegallegos918 You've probably got a narcissist there, that's horrible. But the reply was not meant for you, you obviously can't ignore someone on your doorstep
It's a test too see if you are still interested in hanging out with them and their also trying too figure out where you are at in life as far as financially and money, asset's, power, and social stability and status!!! Go overseas too Thailand, Phillipines, Japan, Germany, etc!!! With that being said use caution there as well but I guarantee you you will enjoy and experience the culture, scenery, food, and all around atmosphere as well!!! The women in those countries are more feminine, submissive, respectful, polite courteous, and typically way more attractive than MOST amercian western women!!! Go by yourself fist and foremost and then bring a really good friend with you the second time but don't bring any women over there at all whatsoever!!! I can assure you that will ruin very special experiences you will have if you do!!! Get your passport 🛂 and get your ASS too MARS 🚀
Because people with narcissist personality disorder have no shame or remorse all though they'll pretend to to get the supply they need, they're very sick individuals no cure or help for it
It’s called mirroring. And if the ghoster didn’t see a problem with the time span they took to reply to you, then they’d be a hypocrite to see a problem with you taking the same length of time to reply back.
This is what I did. Feels good. Well actually it feels rotten but the only thing that makes it slightly less shitty is that I have the discipline to just let it go
What I like about this video and what stands out to me is that it doesn't villianize the other person. People are scared. People are hurt. People are incompetent. It doesn't make them evil people for not handling situations directly or responding how we believe they should. Just have compassion, for the other person AND for yourself, and always honor what your needs are. Thanks Kenny.
I never give a person a 2nd chance to ghost me! If i ever thought I was being too harsh and unforgiving, i simply remember how they made me feel when they initially ghosted me! I dont have time to waste my time! Be strong and set those boundaries, and most importantly, dont allow people to disrespect you! Great video ❤
exactly. people all say they are depressed that they don't reply. unfortunately, some people use it as an excuse. so people who really have issues will not be believed because of people who are immature to say they don't love any more
I hate you words, but I hug you kindly, pay for things, and respect your boundaries and do everything that looks like love = not a good definition of abuse 😜
The matching part is so real and once you start doing that all the attention slaves (who just wanna receive without giving) start fading away from your life.
I wouldn’t even try to explain to them. My walls are already up and I don’t give second chances anymore. I just move on because that is who I am, that’s what works best for me.
I pretty well agree with this. If someone has clearly shown disinterest, then I think 1) they havnt earned my vulnerable analysis; and 2) I don’t want to invest in spending my energy and hope into explaining myself to them bc chances are they are avoidant and will not change, PLUS then they feel like they have the upper hand by knowing I am affected by their actions. And I don’t think someone who isn’t genuinely interested in me should know the inner workings of my thoughts to exploit later by breadcrumbing or playing cat and mouse games to satisfy their own egos of “getting me”.
@@irina1sirencan you give some female insight - I pursued a women and she showed a lot of interest along with a date ending with a kiss and texting for a week after with alot of good morning goodnight how’s your day. Then when I tried to set up the second date she ghosted…but is viewing my IG all stories immediately! Wtf ?
Don’t. I accepted my ghoster back bc he claimed he was depressed and etc and we talked consistently and was good then he ghosted. One day I woke up to the silent treatment again and unsure why. So just talk to people who are emotionally stable. 🎉❤ peace and love
Boy are you being bamboozled! Start studying narcissist personality disorder Google study every piece of Information you can get drill it all into your head for months, there is absolutely no cure or treatment for this, he's doing it because he's seeing someone else and believe me it's more than one woman, silent treatment is a sick game to them they secretly enjoy hurting you and all this is abuse worse than physical trust me been through it
this feels like one of the more practical approaches out there that is not only effective but also is fair and reasonable by taking into account “everyone’s on their own journey.” seems super helpful with any communication/scenario, really. glad i found this channel :)
The narcissist I was with always said "I love you" but he never showed any affection. He wouldn't put his arm around me when watching tv and he walked 30 feet in front of me in public. He drove to Florida, 1,000 miles away and promised to call when he arrived. He didn't call. He sent a text message letting me know he had been there 6 hours and made excuses why he didn't call. I texted him back letting him know I was at the emergency room. He didnt read it until the next morning. Then he turned it back at me and asked why I didnt call him. That ended the relationship. When he came home I ghosted him for 2 months. I had enough. My motto now is " I give what I get "
Sometimes it’s happening within a family. The Covid pandemic caused a lot of division in our society. You know some chose to have the Vaccine and others chose not to. This broke up a lot of relationships. Also current political differences. People have been so deeply affected by these issues.
Your exactly like me, i watch actions and if they do not match my efforts im gone. That goes for everyone, no one gets away with disrespecting me. We are adults and know what we are doing, i understand that sometimes its a genuine mistake but i dont wait around.
Omg Kenny, your an angel 😇. I really appreciate your wisdom. This video helped me tremendously. I befriended someone, came into the friendship gving my 💯 percent. They got in the habit of ghosting me then coming back as if nothing ever happened and requesting to hang out. I mentioned it to them and they dismissed it. This last time I refuse to reach out to this person. I told them how i felt and they showed me with there actions they didnt care. Its been near a week an i haven't heard from them. They told me before they do care thats why they initiate hangouts but there action from the past 5 days let me know they lied. Im hurt but my self respect is more important then having someone in my life that doesn't value me.
Thanks again this was driving me crazy on the time it took to respond to my texts One morning at 7:15 I said Goodmorning and the response time was 24 hrs . Found out that it’s a pattern when the individual goes to events or night clubs they avoid me .
I made a chick wait 23 days for a return text. I put it on my calendar. She ended up calling me early, 3X and I never answered. She said I must be doing so much and being so busy, how amazing she says. wtf? 😳 😂😂😂Lol She’s boring as f. This mirror works great but I’m no longer fans of them-
Omg Kenny ! I feel so normal after listening to this video. I get triggered by the way some people communicate / respond over text and I didn’t know if I was the problem. I am open , communicative and have no problem being vulnerable , but I had to learn how to create a safe container for myself and match their behavior. This is not only true with abusive people , but for me is a sign of someone not wanting to invest . Either way, not everyone deserves our best .
You're an Empath, Kenny. We are a rare breed, these days. IMHO, you gave this person way too much leverage - you had three fingers up (three chances, three boundaries broken, three red flags), needs to be one count you're out. I, too, have had to toughen up. It's really against who I AM, but its self protection, people will hurt you these days, they don't care. We do not 'match them', we do not play their games, we are not them. Playing games is not natural to an Empath, you might pretend to be OK with waiting 4hrs to text them back, but you are not OK and ultimately, WHY would you even want to text back someone who has said one thing and done another, this person clearly is not someone to trust? Just get rid of them, there are 8 Billion other people out there, you dont need these people. If you accept these people, you will keep attracting more experiences like them.
If any man calls himself an “empath” then he doesn’t understand the psychology of attraction & has to break out of his emasculation, heal from trauma, & regain his mojo & masculinity.
This video is GOLD. Thank you! Timely message for me! I always felt that the best thing to do with these types of people is to match their energy... YES!!!
In my option.... if they just ignored you without feeling anything bad or see you value. No need to express, explain anything about you to them... just skip them.. doing nothing.. no contact is better cos they are not worthy for ur time anymore.
Maybe we all need to add an extra element to our dating etiquette from the very start: A written disclaimer stating your texting and communication policy stating how you handle things, grace periods, and your boundaries. I know it sounds cold and calculating, but there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for communications, and there's no better way than to put it in writing. There is so much confusion in human relationships! UA-cam and the rest of the Internet are full of anguished testimonials demonstrating that.
I do not match bad behaviour with more bad behaviour. I send a text and tell them that whilst I don't agree with their communication style I know it comes from a wounded place so good bye and best of luck with their journey.
First video i seen on the subject that matches exactly what I’ve been dealing with, and my anxiety(insomnia, lack of appetite) has been high for me because of it. hoping to get back to normal eventually . Appreciate this video
I really appreciate the practical-action focus. I find this kind of small but effective action steps are the most helpful things in my recovery. And trauma often blocks us from being able to think of those on our own.
I feel exactly the same. Wow. This is such a powerful message and spoken with such simplicity that every point became like a gold nugget for me. Thank you so very much.
Love this! I’m way too sensitive to rejection to date! That’s why it’s easier to start as natural friends. More on dating for people over fifty, I mean, if I have to go through another narcissistic break up I’m gonna become a nun. How about matching what we give in relationships compared to what they give, I.e. lopsided relationships
Best to dodge the bullets in the first place. At the first sign of love bombing, future faking or gaslighting, recognize the manipulation, control and abuse for what it is and RUN! Boundaries, a backbone and a bs meter . Stand in your power. Speak your truth and have zero tolerance for crumbs, bs, disrespect or any abuse. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve. Opt out! Asymmetrical relationships are unbalanced. Transactional and conditional. Trauma Bonds are not about healthy love.
I love your advice. Good Stuff! Being ghosted is abusive behavior. Being to needy can make me rush into relationships to fast. I have a clearer vision / plan to deal with people who are not fair. People's actions speak volumes! Love people for who they are not who you want them to be. Kenny you are a ray of hope!
I am still learning. I have been ghosted twice in the last 2 months. From a woman i have come to love deeply. But now i feel so disconnected i feel open to someone new. Which conflicts me terribly. I should know better at my age! (54)
❤Wow, this is similar to my experience today. And I thought to myself to “ghost” that person the same length of time as I had been ghosted. Long story short, it worked out for my good!!! I will continue to live my life joyfully and with integrity, not letting anyone steal my peace.❤ Thank you for sharing your story in this video. I am a new subscriber.
I am right there with you, if someone does not respond to me, my e-mails, my phone calls, etc, I give them a few times and then I give up on them. I don't want any friends in my life who deliberately ignore me to manipulate. I will ask first why they didn't return my calls and I get an answer like: "I don't know", which tells me they were manipulating me and didn't have any other reason except to control me. Or they have no interest in me. I have no desire to pursue someone who has no interest in me. A kind reasonable person will tell us why they couldn't get back to us because they don't want us to feel badly. My daughter's family have gossiped against me for years and now they ignore my e-mails consistently, so I have stopped communicating with them.
Kenny, you are a mentor. Tried and true. Its great to have the opportunity to hear your wisdom. A father figure I did not have and am very appreciative of.
This was SO helpful. What you share about 'staying boundaried' and knowing your personal boundaries determined by your unique trauma and healing balances, is profound and empowering. What you shared about 'matching' is brilliant. I might even double the time taken, as someone commented below. Thank you Kenny.
A ghoster can also be depressed person, or someone with adhd. BUT - and this is a big lesson for me - its possible to be empathetic to it and still say "look I get you have your reasons, but Im not going to be able to stay in touch with you and be a nice person, since this behaviour persists." I have had to cut a few people of for that reason. Kept giving them chances, but they need to go to the root of their behaviour, and I need to choose if I deserve to keep my peace or if I have patience with this in the long run. A tough lesson, even with friends.
Good points, esp. that "ghosters" can have all sorts of different reasons why they cease communications. We should not assume that they are necessarily doing something "wrong." At the same time, we should maintain boundaries so that, if they do surface again and we perceive their texts as nothing but a nuisance.
Can be , but he will be respectful and say about it and give peace to the other person so both will help each other, but if the person actions show up sickness and bad energy than he's totally bad person,
You're so correct , couldn't believe someone would have such similar thoughts on how to respond to ghosters, boundaries and matching, non negotiables. WOW..!
3 strikes. This is exactly what happened. I’m comfortable with your response. You’re right. It is on me - but my luck - I agree with you - I sure do not want it to feel like a game.
Really good. I’m right with you these days about matching (mirroring) the other persons interest or behavior. Sometimes I double their ghosting time. Ghost me 4 hrs, I’ll respond in 8 , etc. Can you give some examples of what you say when you let them know, if you do. A thing I noticed with narcissists, is that if you say to them you will begin treating them exactly as they treat you, they freak out!!! Sometimes anger and sometimes they run for the hills 😂. Never do they think, oh maybe I should treat you better.
Good points. As I suggested above, because of advances in technology, it seems that "dating culture" needs an update, something along these lines. Early in the relationship, clarify your communication/texting style. How do you do it? What is your personal custom? What make sense to you? These are YOUR boundaries. If someone ventures outside them, that's a red flag (for YOU). If the issue is not resolved within a reasonable time frame, and to your satisfaction, it's the END OF THE LINE (for you).
Ok... If i told my toxic guy (kindly) "hey...it took you 2 hours and 13 minutrs to respond hun, so in order to honor myself i matched ya" he'd say...."Well, well, well...how petty and immature is THAT, Christi?!" I cant win for losing with this man. He ALWAYS has an answer!
A woman ghosted me through social media so after a few weeks, I unfollowed her. She came back but not for authentic connection but just to criticize and not take any accountability. She couldn't handle the fact that I was gone forever and seemingly just liked the validation I was giving her
Love your videos, Kenny. Thank you for your wisdom. ❤ So enjoy my own company after years with a narc. Looking back, I can't believe what I went through - the pain, abuse, manipulation, deception, and devaluation. I thank God for the lightbulb moments that led to a journey of healing that continues with each day. I wish the narc well in their universe. My boundaries are like steel now and I'm super happy living in mine. ❤
Maybe we all need to add an extra element to our dating etiquette FROM THE VERY START: A written policy stating your texting and communication etiquette, stating how you handle things, grace periods, your negotiables, your non-negotiables, i.e., your boundaries. I know it sounds cold and calculating, but there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for communications, and there's no better way than to put it in writing. There is so much confusion in human relationships! UA-cam and the rest of the Internet are full of anguished testimonials demonstrating that.
Iam also somebody who is open and gives a lot as in time and energy and an open ear to somebody that needs it and then, I feel hurt when they don't do the same for me. Not anymore!! From now on I'm going match what I get from others and not give away to much ar the start . Thank you so much!! You described me down to a "T" 😊
It would be great if we could communicate like that but a narc will gasp and treat you as if you’re needy, clingy and insane and tell you they were just busy and don’t have time for tit for tat games then smear you to the world after they’ve lulled you in 25 times to believe you matter. Normal people yes but a normal person wouldn’t ghost and treat someone like that repeatedly so that person is a narc and needs to be cut loose. Otherwise, wash, rinse, repeat will just be endless with these types.
I used to do that, but after a certain point I decided to stop mirroring toxic behaviour, I stopped trying to play shrimk to understand toxicicity and recognize disrespect when I see it. Unless it's a work related situation, it's just a waste of time, it's stressful and ultimately very disrespectful. I learned to tell flaky, mind game playing people to lose my number after the 3rd strike, people know exactly what they're doing, I don't even expect to be a priority or anything, just the bare minimun of respect and consideration like any other human being, if that's too much to expect, then I have no business wasting my precious time on someone who think it's okay to request some of it only to leave me hanging or to be lied to my face, sometimes repeatedly... Same thing is true for gaslighting, narc family members that hide relevant information from me that I have the right to know about, I'm too old to be getting bamboozeled left and right by fake friends or shady family members, I wish I knew earlier that it is okay to walk away when respect isn't present. Nowdays I have no hesitation in using the block buttom, and it's so much better.
I love this! Very smart advice. Don't waste your time on people who are not worthy of your time. Yes! i have been using to block button. A sign of a heathy recovering person. Feels great!
Now at over 40, I’ve finally begun to only look to people’s actions to determine who they are. Maybe it’s naive of me, however, this was a sad and difficult lesson to learn about people. There are so many disingenuous people.
Kenny, I think some people are not very deep, so if you talk about something deep, and their schema can’t process the info, they go into brain fog 😶🌫️ and they just can’t respond at that point. I have found this to be the case a lot! 🤓
I did the matching thing with a client who waited a week to respond to each of my messages. I just decided to not work on her project until she got back to me. It took 5 times longer to do the project. When I finished, she wanted to scrap the whole thing and start again. By that time I already had accepted another client. Her loss! I would not accept a Narc back into my life. That's just asking for trouble.
This might work for you, too: Maybe we all need to add an extra element to our dating etiquette FROM THE VERY START: A written policy stating your texting and communication etiquette, stating how you handle things, grace periods, your negotiables, your non-negotiables, i.e., your boundaries. I know it sounds cold and calculating, but there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for communications, and there's no better way than to put it in writing. There is so much confusion in human relationships! UA-cam and the rest of the Internet are full of anguished testimonials demonstrating that.
Thank you so much for putting this video out there you look amazing in the purple This really helped me heal faster because now I realize I'm not a victim thank you
I totally agree with you. I have an issue with timing of text . If you text me and I see it im gonna respond. I dealt with abrupt abandonment and just got ghosted for a month it brought so much anxiety to me. I didn't know what i did and was very confused. Everyone has their phone on them like just answer the text, if your free or when u get free. Thank You for this i needed this.🙏🏾
Regarding "ghosting," my de facto answer is: SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES. There is MEANING in silence. Read between the lines. The meaning is: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Don't waste time fretting over it. Time is precious. Get busy with your own affairs.
I’ve made detailed notes and u have a good point about childhood trauma and how it affects ur responses to cold narcicstic twats by I now know what I need to do to grow and protect myself.
Excellent. Initially i wanted if this fits with Christian ethos - and for me it does! This gentleman is teaching us wisdom. How to guard ourselves. I haven't heard anything that purports to nastiness at all. Ghosting is so very very cruel. Mercy is not about allowing someone to rip our hearts apart with feelings of no meaning to life - i see explaining our actions if required without nastiness. So far this is good sense. Im very grateful x
Valuable insights and tools here. It remains fascinating to me how these issues seem to have grown given the advent of and increasing preference to text rather than call…or God forbid we actually just meet face to face and truly communicate! This is of course apart from any of the contributing factors of trauma. In terms of the limited aspects of communication within the medium of texting I much prefer to keep these exchanges to a minimum. Such as…”when does it work to give you a call?” Or, “are you free for coffee in the next couple of days?” There’s just too much nuance that is unavailable via text messaging. I appreciate your take on this, Kenny.🙏🏻
Good comment. Maybe we all need to add an extra element to our dating etiquette FROM THE VERY START: A written policy stating your texting and communication etiquette, stating how you handle things, grace periods, your negotiables, your non-negotiables, i.e., your boundaries. I know it sounds cold and calculating, but there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for communications, and there's no better way than to put it in writing. There is so much confusion in human relationships! UA-cam and the rest of the Internet are full of anguished testimonials demonstrating that.
Thank you Kenny for being someone that focus LESS on the narc and more on the power/focus in yourself. I think so many channels here on YT only focus on the narc, almost obsessing, so these are good advices😊
Yes, you are right. That's a correct observation. Very few actually focus on "how" to process and value yourself. And doing it kindly to the other person and to oneself. Takes a lot of investigation, maturity and love.
Very interesting analogy on the feelings of intolerance when someone ghosts you. I’ve had tremendous trauma too even though I denied the magnitude of it. It makes sense when I meditate on it. Already subscribed! Thanks!
At a certain point though you need to HEAL the trauma that constantly makes you feel unsafe. No one will cater to you, you have to heal yourself and accept people for who they are. Yes, eventually you meet people, and become the person as well, who wants to cater to the one you love. But that's out of love, not out of wanting to appease the other person's trauma.
Thank you for all your love and wisdom. I've been listening to you for a while, an you have helped me out a lot. I had to set my boundaries. I love that honor there boundaries.
It took me a very long time to see that I had to learn to watch for intentions matching words matching actions overtime. Once I figured that out life changed immensely. People who cat and mouse you in a come here go away Manner destroy trust and without trust and follow through (intentions matching words matching actions overtime) there’s no relationship to be had.
thanks for sharing your insights and some powerful truths--love how you remind us that we are responsible for our own inability to have proper boundaries
I analyze relationship dynamics just like. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks Kenny! P.S. my response to the ghoster is going to be nothing because they treated me like I was a nothing and made me feel like I was a nothing 🤬
Today is my birthday and she remembered. First time i heard from her in two months. Im not going to be upset over getting ghosted im not going to say anything about it im going to thank her for wishing me a happy birthday. Thats it.
Thank you so much❤ ,our childhoods were the same Was ghosted and it hurt so much but because of my recovery knew my reactions were past trauma Ive decided no contact same situation I choose to protect myself ❤
I totally agree with having standards and boundaries. This may seem cutthroat to some, but if you really want authentic, genuine connections - it's necessary!
This quote helped me, "If they cannot love you where you are at, they cannot love you where you are going."
Well said!
She ghosted you means she is with another guy. She comes back means it didnt work out.
He and she are interchangeable.
He goes out hunting and then returns to me.
lol…so true
Definitely on the money, and it's with more than one person simultaneously narcissist personality disorder! Been there
But it isn’t going to work out because their messed up, so no matter where they go…..garbage in can only = garbage out. So they don’t have the awareness to have a successful relationship so their screwed….we can take some solace perhaps in knowing they will have a miserable life no matter what. We get to live in a good way and basically they will suffer and we can just be happy about that since they are bad people.
Can't argue with that.
When your actions don't match your words, that is a huge red flag no matter my history ❤
No integrity = no trust.
That's manipulation
Amen!
Yeah
Agree!
While I can sympathize for people with avoidant attachment issues, I do draw the line there - they are not my issues, and it is completely unacceptable behavior to me.
I’m with u on that
Ditto. No time for them.
Are They Giving Me Breadcrumbs? Coach Craig Kenneth ( avoidant attachment)
It's impossible to have a texting relationship ---Natalie Clarice
Texting is a toxic, avoidant behavior has been normalized in society. It's artificial intimacy.
Now that I'm thinking about it, it's future faking too! Leading you to nowhere
What is avoidance attachment issues?
Attachment Theory
If you know you've done no wrong and still you get ghosted, don't chase after what runs away from you. That's my belief anyway. If you don't respect you, no one will.
Julie, I agree 100%. The problem is that they randomly reappear. I guess next step is restraining order. Blocking and going No Contact doesn’t work when they appear at your doorstep.
Women quite unknowingly betray men, and do not bother to ask how, or bother to listen. For example, women readily talk about mens sexual performance. This is betrayal that will get you ghosted. Feel free to disagree/come up with excuses.
Idk anyone who chases a ghosted? If they do they will surely get more of the same
@@jackdeniston59grown as you is don’t tell nobody this bs again 😒🤦🏾♀️ smh you deserve to got ghosted ‼️
@@salliegallegos918 You've probably got a narcissist there, that's horrible. But the reply was not meant for you, you obviously can't ignore someone on your doorstep
I can't believe they would have enough nerve to try to come back to someone they ghosted-discarded!!
It's a test too see if you are still interested in hanging out with them and their also trying too figure out where you are at in life as far as financially and money, asset's, power, and social stability and status!!! Go overseas too Thailand, Phillipines, Japan, Germany, etc!!! With that being said use caution there as well but I guarantee you you will enjoy and experience the culture, scenery, food, and all around atmosphere as well!!! The women in those countries are more feminine, submissive, respectful, polite courteous, and typically way more attractive than MOST amercian western women!!! Go by yourself fist and foremost and then bring a really good friend with you the second time but don't bring any women over there at all whatsoever!!! I can assure you that will ruin very special experiences you will have if you do!!! Get your passport 🛂 and get your ASS too MARS 🚀
right???
Because people with narcissist personality disorder have no shame or remorse all though they'll pretend to to get the supply they need, they're very sick individuals no cure or help for it
Oh but they do try!!
That happens all the time. Maybe in their mind, they are not even ghosting you.
Boundaries
A polite wall
Remembering how peace & joy returned when they were finally out of your life.
You ghost them back, that's what you do
I ghost back too but at that point I know who they are and I’m done. They are game playing and jockeying for power, control and to degrade and demean.
karma
It’s called mirroring. And if the ghoster didn’t see a problem with the time span they took to reply to you, then they’d be a hypocrite to see a problem with you taking the same length of time to reply back.
I don’t ghost back. I’m now done, and I’ve gone NO CONTACT.
@@susanh1447 Get the hell out 👉
Ultimate gift to ghost back: power of mirroring
This is what I did. Feels good. Well actually it feels rotten but the only thing that makes it slightly less shitty is that I have the discipline to just let it go
Same feels shitty but I’m not chasing a ghost
It’s funny how people have a problem with your behavior when you match theirs.
Right on 😂
What I like about this video and what stands out to me is that it doesn't villianize the other person. People are scared. People are hurt. People are incompetent. It doesn't make them evil people for not handling situations directly or responding how we believe they should. Just have compassion, for the other person AND for yourself, and always honor what your needs are. Thanks Kenny.
“Every emotional reaction we have was learned in childhood.” That really hit home…. Based on what I seen in childhood, I need some new skills! Wow.
I never give a person a 2nd chance to ghost me! If i ever thought I was being too harsh and unforgiving, i simply remember how they made me feel when they initially ghosted me! I dont have time to waste my time! Be strong and set those boundaries, and most importantly, dont allow people to disrespect you! Great video ❤
exactly. people all say they are depressed that they don't reply. unfortunately, some people use it as an excuse. so people who really have issues will not be believed because of people who are immature to say they don't love any more
Abuse is when words don't match actions.
I hate you words, but I hug you kindly, pay for things, and respect your boundaries and do everything that looks like love = not a good definition of abuse 😜
Future FAKING IS THE WORST.
I listened to the words.
WATCHED the Actions.
Yeah nah..
Didn't Match.
They ghosted.
So did I.
Bye Bye now
Abuse is expecting sugar and getting salt.
-Amanda Lovelace
The matching part is so real and once you start doing that all the attention slaves (who just wanna receive without giving) start fading away from your life.
I wouldn’t even try to explain to them. My walls are already up and I don’t give second chances anymore. I just move on because that is who I am, that’s what works best for me.
I pretty well agree with this. If someone has clearly shown disinterest, then I think 1) they havnt earned my vulnerable analysis; and 2) I don’t want to invest in spending my energy and hope into explaining myself to them bc chances are they are avoidant and will not change, PLUS then they feel like they have the upper hand by knowing I am affected by their actions. And I don’t think someone who isn’t genuinely interested in me should know the inner workings of my thoughts to exploit later by breadcrumbing or playing cat and mouse games to satisfy their own egos of “getting me”.
@@irina1sirencan you give some female insight - I pursued a women and she showed a lot of interest along with a date ending with a kiss and texting for a week after with alot of good morning goodnight how’s your day. Then when I tried to set up the second date she ghosted…but is viewing my IG all stories immediately! Wtf ?
Don’t. I accepted my ghoster back bc he claimed he was depressed and etc and we talked consistently and was good then he ghosted. One day I woke up to the silent treatment again and unsure why. So just talk to people who are emotionally stable. 🎉❤ peace and love
Boy are you being bamboozled! Start studying narcissist personality disorder Google study every piece of Information you can get drill it all into your head for months, there is absolutely no cure or treatment for this, he's doing it because he's seeing someone else and believe me it's more than one woman, silent treatment is a sick game to them they secretly enjoy hurting you and all this is abuse worse than physical trust me been through it
I dated a man like that. Very frustrating. I left him. He was an avoidant, did what he wanted when he wanted and I would wait and wait .
But "waiting and waiting" was YOUR fault, not his. Set some definite boundaries and get on with your own life.
@@tabletalk33She did. She said she left him. I think she realized it and moved on.
this feels like one of the more practical approaches out there that is not only effective but also is fair and reasonable by taking into account “everyone’s on their own journey.” seems super helpful with any communication/scenario, really. glad i found this channel :)
The narcissist I was with always said "I love you" but he never showed any affection. He wouldn't put his arm around me when watching tv and he walked 30 feet in front of me in public.
He drove to Florida, 1,000 miles away and promised to call when he arrived. He didn't call. He sent a text message letting me know he had been there 6 hours and made excuses why he didn't call. I texted him back letting him know
I was at the emergency room. He didnt read it until the next morning. Then he turned it back at me and asked why I didnt call him. That ended the relationship. When he came home I ghosted him for 2 months. I had enough.
My motto now is " I give what I get "
You let it drag on waaay too long.
You ghosted him for 2 months. So after that 2 months did he finally give up and go “ back to the grave yard ?”
I agree with you Kenny, I’m a 3 strikes and your out. Self preservation kicks in. Actions really do scream loudest.
Absolutely - go on with your life and do things that make you happy. After all the abuse - why would you want them back?
Sometimes it’s happening within a family. The Covid pandemic caused a lot of division in our society. You know some chose to have the Vaccine and others chose not to. This broke up a lot of relationships. Also current political differences. People have been so deeply affected by these issues.
Your exactly like me, i watch actions and if they do not match my efforts im gone. That goes for everyone, no one gets away with disrespecting me. We are adults and know what we are doing, i understand that sometimes its a genuine mistake but i dont wait around.
My adult children feel I cut people off too quickly BUT if actions don't match words I'm out, contact is deleted. Life's too short for BS. 😊
At the end of the day, its your life to do as you wish, people come and go all the time.
Omg Kenny, your an angel 😇. I really appreciate your wisdom. This video helped me tremendously. I befriended someone, came into the friendship gving my 💯 percent. They got in the habit of ghosting me then coming back as if nothing ever happened and requesting to hang out. I mentioned it to them and they dismissed it. This last time I refuse to reach out to this person. I told them how i felt and they showed me with there actions they didnt care. Its been near a week an i haven't heard from them. They told me before they do care thats why they initiate hangouts but there action from the past 5 days let me know they lied. Im hurt but my self respect is more important then having someone in my life that doesn't value me.
Thanks again this was driving me crazy on the time it took to respond to my texts One morning at 7:15 I said Goodmorning and the response time was 24 hrs . Found out that it’s a pattern when the individual goes to events or night clubs they avoid me .
when someone ghosts me I just tell them have nice life
This matching is a badass move! That means ghosters that pop up after weeks can wait for you for weeks… they’ll go crazy 🤭
Hey, it's only fair!
Of course 🤭
I made a chick wait 23 days for a return text. I put it on my calendar.
She ended up calling me early, 3X and I never answered. She said I must be doing so much and being so busy, how amazing she says.
wtf? 😳 😂😂😂Lol
She’s boring as f.
This mirror works great but I’m no longer fans of them-
Omg Kenny ! I feel so normal after listening to this video. I get triggered by the way some people communicate / respond over text and I didn’t know if I was the problem. I am open , communicative and have no problem being vulnerable , but I had to learn how to create a safe container for myself and match their behavior. This is not only true with abusive people , but for me is a sign of someone not wanting to invest . Either way, not everyone deserves our best .
You're an Empath, Kenny. We are a rare breed, these days. IMHO, you gave this person way too much leverage - you had three fingers up (three chances, three boundaries broken, three red flags), needs to be one count you're out. I, too, have had to toughen up. It's really against who I AM, but its self protection, people will hurt you these days, they don't care. We do not 'match them', we do not play their games, we are not them. Playing games is not natural to an Empath, you might pretend to be OK with waiting 4hrs to text them back, but you are not OK and ultimately, WHY would you even want to text back someone who has said one thing and done another, this person clearly is not someone to trust? Just get rid of them, there are 8 Billion other people out there, you dont need these people. If you accept these people, you will keep attracting more experiences like them.
I hate being an empath!!!☹️😭
I'm an empath too. Sometimes I have to put up my wall's up. Ppl are too toxic sometimes!
An empath means childhood trauma
If any man calls himself an “empath” then he doesn’t understand the psychology of attraction & has to break out of his emasculation, heal from trauma, & regain his mojo & masculinity.
This video is GOLD. Thank you! Timely message for me! I always felt that the best thing to do with these types of people is to match their energy... YES!!!
In my option.... if they just ignored you without feeling anything bad or see you value. No need to express, explain anything about you to them... just skip them.. doing nothing.. no contact is better cos they are not worthy for ur time anymore.
Maybe we all need to add an extra element to our dating etiquette from the very start: A written disclaimer stating your texting and communication policy stating how you handle things, grace periods, and your boundaries. I know it sounds cold and calculating, but there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for communications, and there's no better way than to put it in writing. There is so much confusion in human relationships! UA-cam and the rest of the Internet are full of anguished testimonials demonstrating that.
I do not match bad behaviour with more bad behaviour. I send a text and tell them that whilst I don't agree with their communication style I know it comes from a wounded place so good bye and best of luck with their journey.
Love this.
First video i seen on the subject that matches exactly what I’ve been dealing with, and my anxiety(insomnia, lack of appetite) has been high for me because of it. hoping to get back to normal eventually . Appreciate this video
I really appreciate the practical-action focus. I find this kind of small but effective action steps are the most helpful things in my recovery. And trauma often blocks us from being able to think of those on our own.
I feel exactly the same. Wow. This is such a powerful message and spoken with such simplicity that every point became like a gold nugget for me. Thank you so very much.
And we feel fantastic by watching your videos after being ghosted
lol ! Thank you I wrote everything down🙏
This is golden advise. This is spiritual growth
Love this! I’m way too sensitive to rejection to date! That’s why it’s easier to start as natural friends. More on dating for people over fifty, I mean, if I have to go through another narcissistic break up I’m gonna become a nun. How about matching what we give in relationships compared to what they give, I.e. lopsided relationships
That's for sure.
Best to dodge the bullets in the first place.
At the first sign of love bombing, future faking or gaslighting, recognize the manipulation, control and abuse for what it is and RUN! Boundaries, a backbone and a bs meter . Stand in your power. Speak your truth and have zero tolerance for crumbs, bs, disrespect or any abuse. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve. Opt out!
Asymmetrical relationships are unbalanced. Transactional and conditional.
Trauma Bonds are not about healthy love.
It's funny how these abusers have dead eyes. Nothing inside
I love your advice. Good Stuff! Being ghosted is abusive behavior. Being to needy can make me rush into relationships to fast. I have a clearer vision / plan to deal with people who are not fair. People's actions speak volumes! Love people for who they are not who you want them to be. Kenny you are a ray of hope!
I am still learning. I have been ghosted twice in the last 2 months. From a woman i have come to love deeply. But now i feel so disconnected i feel open to someone new. Which conflicts me terribly. I should know better at my age! (54)
They usually don’t care at all when you match their actions , they are just not into you .
Never knew I had no morals until he said check them… Great video
❤Wow, this is similar to my experience today. And I thought to myself to “ghost” that person the same length of time as I had been ghosted. Long story short, it worked out for my good!!! I will continue to live my life joyfully and with integrity, not letting anyone steal my peace.❤
Thank you for sharing your story in this video. I am a new subscriber.
What if you work at the same job, fortunately I haven’t saw him or his new women , almost a month now
I am right there with you, if someone does not respond to me, my e-mails, my phone calls, etc, I give them a few times and then I give up on them. I don't want any friends in my life who deliberately ignore me to manipulate. I will ask first why they didn't return my calls and I get an answer like: "I don't know", which tells me they were manipulating me and didn't have any other reason except to control me. Or they have no interest in me. I have no desire to pursue someone who has no interest in me. A kind reasonable person will tell us why they couldn't get back to us because they don't want us to feel badly. My daughter's family have gossiped against me for years and now they ignore my e-mails consistently, so I have stopped communicating with them.
Kenny, you are a mentor. Tried and true. Its great to have the opportunity to hear your wisdom. A father figure I did not have and am very appreciative of.
This was SO helpful. What you share about 'staying boundaried' and knowing your personal boundaries determined by your unique trauma and healing balances, is profound and empowering. What you shared about 'matching' is brilliant. I might even double the time taken, as someone commented below. Thank you Kenny.
If they are a narcissist, there’s no point in calling them out on their behavior. Just ghost back, which at that point is a form of gray-rocking.
A ghoster can also be depressed person, or someone with adhd. BUT - and this is a big lesson for me - its possible to be empathetic to it and still say "look I get you have your reasons, but Im not going to be able to stay in touch with you and be a nice person, since this behaviour persists." I have had to cut a few people of for that reason. Kept giving them chances,
but they need to go to the root of their behaviour, and I need to choose if I deserve to keep my peace or if I have patience with this in the long run. A tough lesson, even with friends.
Good points, esp. that "ghosters" can have all sorts of different reasons why they cease communications. We should not assume that they are necessarily doing something "wrong." At the same time, we should maintain boundaries so that, if they do surface again and we perceive their texts as nothing but a nuisance.
Can be , but he will be respectful and say about it and give peace to the other person so both will help each other, but if the person actions show up sickness and bad energy than he's totally bad person,
emotional mastery / emotional maturity it is
You're so correct , couldn't believe someone would have such similar thoughts on how to respond to ghosters, boundaries and matching, non negotiables. WOW..!
3 strikes. This is exactly what happened. I’m comfortable with your response. You’re right. It is on me - but my luck - I agree with you - I sure do not want it to feel like a game.
Really good. I’m right with you these days about matching (mirroring) the other persons interest or behavior. Sometimes I double their ghosting time. Ghost me 4 hrs, I’ll respond in 8 , etc.
Can you give some examples of what you say when you let them know, if you do.
A thing I noticed with narcissists, is that if you say to them you will begin treating them exactly as they treat you, they freak out!!! Sometimes anger and sometimes they run for the hills 😂. Never do they think, oh maybe I should treat you better.
They will never introspect. It's part of their sick disorder.
Good points. As I suggested above, because of advances in technology, it seems that "dating culture" needs an update, something along these lines. Early in the relationship, clarify your communication/texting style. How do you do it? What is your personal custom? What make sense to you? These are YOUR boundaries. If someone ventures outside them, that's a red flag (for YOU). If the issue is not resolved within a reasonable time frame, and to your satisfaction, it's the END OF THE LINE (for you).
Ok...
If i told my toxic guy (kindly) "hey...it took you 2 hours and 13 minutrs to respond hun, so in order to honor myself i matched ya" he'd say...."Well, well, well...how petty and immature is THAT, Christi?!"
I cant win for losing with this man.
He ALWAYS has an answer!
Then leave him be if he doesn't like what he hands out then he doesn't like you either nor himself
@@aprilchow-chee5281 Well said
Talking about himself😅
A woman ghosted me through social media so after a few weeks, I unfollowed her. She came back but not for authentic connection but just to criticize and not take any accountability. She couldn't handle the fact that I was gone forever and seemingly just liked the validation I was giving her
Thanks for the video Kenny. Awesome stuff
Love your videos, Kenny. Thank you for your wisdom. ❤ So enjoy my own company after years with a narc. Looking back, I can't believe what I went through - the pain, abuse, manipulation, deception, and devaluation. I thank God for the lightbulb moments that led to a journey of healing that continues with each day. I wish the narc well in their universe. My boundaries are like steel now and I'm super happy living in mine. ❤
Brilliant brilliant brilliant
The roots of evil are embedded into the fact that one does not others respect one’s boundaries!!!
Maybe we all need to add an extra element to our dating etiquette FROM THE VERY START: A written policy stating your texting and communication etiquette, stating how you handle things, grace periods, your negotiables, your non-negotiables, i.e., your boundaries. I know it sounds cold and calculating, but there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for communications, and there's no better way than to put it in writing. There is so much confusion in human relationships! UA-cam and the rest of the Internet are full of anguished testimonials demonstrating that.
You are a good man and a good communicator
Wow! This gives me the answers to how I feel most of the time with the friendship with a good friend.
Iam also somebody who is open and gives a lot as in time and energy and an open ear to somebody that needs it and then, I feel hurt when they don't do the same for me. Not anymore!! From now on I'm going match what I get from others and not give away to much ar the start . Thank you so much!! You described me down to a "T" 😊
It would be great if we could communicate like that but a narc will gasp and treat you as if you’re needy, clingy and insane and tell you they were just busy and don’t have time for tit for tat games then smear you to the world after they’ve lulled you in 25 times to believe you matter. Normal people yes but a normal person wouldn’t ghost and treat someone like that repeatedly so that person is a narc and needs to be cut loose. Otherwise, wash, rinse, repeat will just be endless with these types.
“Amazing.” Brilliant. Love that.
I love this video, it's so refreshing to see a different approach to standing up for Yourself. Thank You!
Wow Kenny you really nailed it by saying it depends on YOU not a set rule. Wow love it! New sub!
I used to do that, but after a certain point I decided to stop mirroring toxic behaviour, I stopped trying to play shrimk to understand toxicicity and recognize disrespect when I see it. Unless it's a work related situation, it's just a waste of time, it's stressful and ultimately very disrespectful. I learned to tell flaky, mind game playing people to lose my number after the 3rd strike, people know exactly what they're doing, I don't even expect to be a priority or anything, just the bare minimun of respect and consideration like any other human being, if that's too much to expect, then I have no business wasting my precious time on someone who think it's okay to request some of it only to leave me hanging or to be lied to my face, sometimes repeatedly...
Same thing is true for gaslighting, narc family members that hide relevant information from me that I have the right to know about, I'm too old to be getting bamboozeled left and right by fake friends or shady family members, I wish I knew earlier that it is okay to walk away when respect isn't present. Nowdays I have no hesitation in using the block buttom, and it's so much better.
I love this! Very smart advice. Don't waste your time on people who are not worthy of your time. Yes! i have been using to block button. A sign of a heathy recovering person. Feels great!
Now at over 40, I’ve finally begun to only look to people’s actions to determine who they are. Maybe it’s naive of me, however, this was a sad and difficult lesson to learn about people. There are so many disingenuous people.
Kenny, I think some people are not very deep, so if you talk about something deep, and their schema can’t process the info, they go into brain fog 😶🌫️ and they just can’t respond at that point. I have found this to be the case a lot! 🤓
True. But it shows that they are not at his level. Not really an equal yoking and values are not aligned.
@@matilda4406 Yeah, plus the energy is off. Getting on the same frequency is super rare too.
@@DeepThinkersClub yes.. sigh..
I did the matching thing with a client who waited a week to respond to each of my messages. I just decided to not work on her project until she got back to me. It took 5 times longer to do the project. When I finished, she wanted to scrap the whole thing and start again. By that time I already had accepted another client. Her loss! I would not accept a Narc back into my life. That's just asking for trouble.
This might work for you, too: Maybe we all need to add an extra element to our dating etiquette FROM THE VERY START: A written policy stating your texting and communication etiquette, stating how you handle things, grace periods, your negotiables, your non-negotiables, i.e., your boundaries. I know it sounds cold and calculating, but there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for communications, and there's no better way than to put it in writing. There is so much confusion in human relationships! UA-cam and the rest of the Internet are full of anguished testimonials demonstrating that.
Thank you so much for putting this video out there you look amazing in the purple This really helped me heal faster because now I realize I'm not a victim thank you
I totally agree with you. I have an issue with timing of text . If you text me and I see it im gonna respond. I dealt with abrupt abandonment and just got ghosted for a month it brought so much anxiety to me. I didn't know what i did and was very confused. Everyone has their phone on them like just answer the text, if your free or when u get free. Thank You for this i needed this.🙏🏾
Regarding "ghosting," my de facto answer is: SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES. There is MEANING in silence. Read between the lines. The meaning is: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Don't waste time fretting over it. Time is precious. Get busy with your own affairs.
I need to remember that it is not what happens to me, it's important how I respond to it.
Match them. This is AWSOME. because i do have people in my life who takes a day to answer. Now i know what to do. Thank you for sharing.
I’ve made detailed notes and u have a good point about childhood trauma and how it affects ur responses to cold narcicstic twats by I now know what I need to do to grow and protect myself.
I so love all this honesty, directness, braveness. ❤
Excellent. Initially i wanted if this fits with Christian ethos - and for me it does! This gentleman is teaching us wisdom. How to guard ourselves. I haven't heard anything that purports to nastiness at all. Ghosting is so very very cruel. Mercy is not about allowing someone to rip our hearts apart with feelings of no meaning to life - i see explaining our actions if required without nastiness. So far this is good sense. Im very grateful x
Thank you, I had been looking for so many answers for quite some time and you are giving them to me. I really appreciate your videos.
You are so welcome!
Great advice! 💗 Thank you Kenny.
Valuable insights and tools here.
It remains fascinating to me how these issues seem to have grown given the advent of and increasing preference to text rather than call…or God forbid we actually just meet face to face and truly communicate!
This is of course apart from any of the contributing factors of trauma.
In terms of the limited aspects of communication within the medium of texting I much prefer to keep these exchanges to a minimum. Such as…”when does it work to give you a call?” Or, “are you free for coffee in the next couple of days?”
There’s just too much nuance that is unavailable via text messaging.
I appreciate your take on this, Kenny.🙏🏻
Good comment. Maybe we all need to add an extra element to our dating etiquette FROM THE VERY START: A written policy stating your texting and communication etiquette, stating how you handle things, grace periods, your negotiables, your non-negotiables, i.e., your boundaries. I know it sounds cold and calculating, but there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for communications, and there's no better way than to put it in writing. There is so much confusion in human relationships! UA-cam and the rest of the Internet are full of anguished testimonials demonstrating that.
Perfect video for me right now! Spot on, massive huge thank you!
Thank you Kenny for being someone that focus LESS on the narc and more on the power/focus in yourself. I think so many channels here on YT only focus on the narc, almost obsessing, so these are good advices😊
You are so welcome
Yes, you are right. That's a correct observation. Very few actually focus on "how" to process and value yourself. And doing it kindly to the other person and to oneself. Takes a lot of investigation, maturity and love.
This is amazing! I wish i knew all of this information before i met the past 2 narcissists i was involved with
Very interesting analogy on the feelings of intolerance when someone ghosts you. I’ve had tremendous trauma too even though I denied the magnitude of it. It makes sense when I meditate on it. Already subscribed! Thanks!
At a certain point though you need to HEAL the trauma that constantly makes you feel unsafe. No one will cater to you, you have to heal yourself and accept people for who they are. Yes, eventually you meet people, and become the person as well, who wants to cater to the one you love. But that's out of love, not out of wanting to appease the other person's trauma.
Thank you. Very informative x
This is so relatable to me. Thank you for this video.
I love you so much! You are the best. thanks
You're welcome!
I feel like I resonate with your experience and outlook
And what an amazing video to end your amazing day! Thanks again Kenny.
This guy is the best I swear.
Thank you for being so transparent. And helping others on their journey to healthier relationships ❤
You are so welcome!
That was perfect! So helpful. So blunt. Thank you so so much!
me too! "I have a lot to say because I have investigated a lot" Many people do not want to speak or have very very little to say...
Thank you for all your love and wisdom. I've been listening to you for a while, an you have helped me out a lot. I had to set my boundaries. I love that honor there boundaries.
It took me a very long time to see that I had to learn to watch for intentions matching words matching actions overtime. Once I figured that out life changed immensely. People who cat and mouse you in a come here go away Manner destroy trust and without trust and follow through (intentions matching words matching actions overtime) there’s no relationship to be had.
thanks for sharing your insights and some powerful truths--love how you remind us that we are responsible for our own inability to have proper boundaries
Staying busy is the answer, so much you can do for you
Wow, what a piece of great advice!
This is so helpful. I need new categories and definitions
I analyze relationship dynamics just like. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks Kenny! P.S. my response to the ghoster is going to be nothing because they treated me like I was a nothing and made me feel like I was a nothing 🤬
That's how I handle it. Nothing = nothing. Fine. I'll go on about my business. God knows I am a busy man! I don't have time for mind games!
Today is my birthday and she remembered. First time i heard from her in two months.
Im not going to be upset over getting ghosted im not going to say anything about it im going to thank her for wishing me a happy birthday. Thats it.
Thank you so much❤ ,our childhoods were the same Was ghosted and it hurt so much but because of my recovery knew my reactions were past trauma Ive decided no contact same situation I choose to protect myself ❤
I totally agree with having standards and boundaries. This may seem cutthroat to some, but if you really want authentic, genuine connections - it's necessary!
This is an EXCELLENT video!
Glad you enjoyed it 😁