I did this too until I found someone who I walk dogs for who is a single man and I met him in person many times. I really care about him and we like each other however he is avoidant and a Ph.D. in psychology and had a private practice no less. He is now a lawyer and works for the government. He is a very nice man, but he only goes so far in a relationship and that is it! I may soon go back to my happy single life where I was for 20 years! We are both professionals, with no children I have been married however he never has and we are both over 63. I am too old for any games and I have my own money so while I do not need a man, I just wanted a man to share my happy life with.
i havent been with anybody for 9 years and i don't miss the bs at all when it comes to romantic relationships and marriage . Just gets lonely sometimes.
I totally agree with this! Ghosters tend to be avoidant attachment. They have a deep fear of intimacy and vulnerability and ghost when the relationship becomes serious and more commitment is expected
I had someone come after me and insist on the immediate connection, commitment and intimacy. Very quickly involved me in their life, immediately wanting me to meet friends, parents, coworkers, etc. Told me I was the one. It went on and on, and after a few months I felt safe and saw no reason not to trust. Then BOOM…they discarded me with NO real answer as to why. Just couldn’t. Yes, I’ve been in therapy and watching countless videos about narcissists. Worst pain of my life, and I’ve been through a lot.
Yes, I'm in the exact same spot. I'm so hurt and mad that he couldn't just talk to me. Gosting me is so immature and I lost a ton of respect for him!!!
@@GabrielOsiuhwuthey are in a high paradigm, it sounds like they depersonalized the meaning of others behavior; not being identified with it. How someone else lives their life is up to them not me, so I should not take responsibility for their actions when they are their own being. I do understand the stress of having plans canceled or 'friends' going radio silent, but at the same time, you would be better off working on a project at home or going out and talking to other people and building those relationships
@@GabrielOsiuhwubasically instead of being in the frame of offense and betrayal, do your best to see it as it is, _____ person may or may not have the time, energy, attention and/maturity for this relationship to flourish. Edit: *adding* "so I reclaim my energy and focus so I can give it to the opportunities that offer what I'm looking for"
Sometimes I get overwhelmed, shut down & am completely drained, unable to to people. Like a small wounded animal, I need a dark corner alone to get myself right. Not wanting to burden others with my depression & dispare. I reamurge when I have positive energy & support to give.
Turn to Jesus He loves you, He is the healer of the body And savior of the soul, There is True Hope in Jesus, God protects Psalms 91, He is the God of miracles Acts 2:21 And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved Jesus alone saves Trust Him with your salvation John 3:16 1 Corinthians 15 1-4 Moreover Brethren, i declare unto you the gospel which i preached unto you, which also ye have received, and with wherein ye stand By which also ye are saved, if you keep in memory what i preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain, For i delivered unto you first of all that which i also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures And that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the scriptures, Take care
Hmm maybe document when you always feel like that and if you see a pattern you know when you feel like that and you can tell people before that you will feel drained at least give explanation before hand. Or tell people that you sometimes just shut down
Don't think too deeply on it and just ghost them back, it's not worth trying to chase after them. If they can't take thirty seconds to text you back when they aren't busy? Then you don't have any time for their games and disinterest
Exactly. Its rude. Liars. They have bad characters. Narcs ghost. You ghost me I ghost you back. I won't chase people anymore. People are intentional how horrible they treat others. Enough is enough!
@@janetromey7522 had to weed out a flakey person who was a good friend of several years. His now ex wife walked out on him for another friend of his and got herself knocked up. It's crazy that I was more loyal to him than she was and he didn't respect or appreciate it. So much for bros over hoes......not complaining but it just goes to show one should have boundaries and understand their own value
@@janetromey7522 Amen, done with all these folks. I don't chase anyone, but sometimes, women, are jealous, may reasons. They can't keep up the game to long. Other reasons, don't care, if they show me disrespect a couple of times, or maybe once, now, I'm OUT. I'm real and dont have time with , they're important, but your not. Ok, bye, Forever, don't have time.
@@crystalsmith4187 You're absolutely right. People will push you as far as you let them when it comes to disrespect. Nip it in the bud. Don't tolerate disrespect for one minute. People show you who they are by the way they treat others. Why would you allow people around you that don't have respect for others. Low lifes.
This was the first explanation of underlying ghosting mechanics that reasonsted with what I intuitively picked up in my recent qhosting exeperience. What bothers me most (besides the feeling of rejection) is the cognitive dissonance it leaves one with. There was a strong connection and mutual infatuation. Everything felt wonderful, like the beginning of real long term love and then suddently a complete turnaround. It's confusing when you feel someones feelings towards you but how they act is telling you the opposite... I feel it's all about fear and control. Like everyone they want and crave love but can't deliver. There is also a lack of responsibility, and emphaty for hurting others in the process.
I’ve been ghosted a couple of times and it was always when I needed validation on where things were going. I’d get to the point of being tired of not knowing if this guy liked me or he was just using me. After many months of seeing each other. I’d be so patient thinking they needed time and feelings would develop over time and if I didn’t rush too quickly with labeling the relationship. but really they were either narcissists or emotionally unavailable commitment phobics. It really suck when the chemistry was really strong and you also felt some kind of connection. So hard to find that. Maybe it was one sided. I’ll never know because they were too cowardly to be honest. 🤷♀️ If you check on these people years later on social media you’ll see they are still single and doing the same things. That’s then when you finally realize it wasn’t personal. So hard not to take that personally. Your self esteem takes a huge hit when someone does that to you after months of dating you. You feel disrespected and devalued. They also always contact you again years later.
So true about wanting to contact you years later 🤣 They think you still might be an easy target lol. I don't think a man's feelings for you are even about you. It's always about THEM. A man will treat ANY woman the same way he treats you. Don't take ANYTHING they do at ANY TIME personally. It is all about the kind of person THEY are. NOT YOU.
Yes they have light-switch feelings for people. They can turn them on and off. I tried to be in a relationship with this kind of person but it eventually leads to them cheating. ALWAYS. I think it's important to find out people's true definition of love before attaching. Find out if they think it's an "experience" or want it to be "free and in the moment." Some people will be expert at disguising their unsavory beliefs about relationships but they WILL show you in other ways like disappearing for a few days or not responding to texts in a timely fashion. Beware of the person who connects on an amazing level in person but seems to disappear for a few days afterwards. These are the signs you need to notice and stop with those insecure thoughts of, "I don't want to appear needy or desperate."
I have had them contact me years later & I just tell them it’s too late now. You strike while the irons hot. Since you didn’t, I’m sorry I’m not interested now. You’re right, years later there they are still on a dating site doing the same thing. There’s too many choices on dating sites nowadays, so no one can concentrate on one person.
They can't contact me because as soon as I know. I'm ghosted, they're blocked. And plus I know we're curious to know what happened but even if we knew. That's just with that person. Whatever their problem was nothing to do with us. O so they are doing a safe favor
I learned alot after suffering narcissistic abuse. Once I learned that I was suffering from narcisstic abuse, I never made that mistake again. I know what the traits are and I will never go back to those type of people. I have a healthy life now with boundaries. I did not know what was going on at first, but after the light was shed on my situation I knew exactly what to do. After my divorce, I met another narcissist. I saw the red flags and got out of that relationship right away and completely cut that person off. I am very selective when it comes to letting people into my life. I do not need a romantic relationship to be happy. My parents were narcissists and never accepted responsibility for the abuse they inflicted. They always defended themselves. My childhood was tramatic and I realized that the abuse really damaged me and ruined my life. I now have started a new life and have cut toxic people out of my life. I have peace I never had before. Narcissistic parents are extremely manipulating. They use the Bible verse "honor your parents" to justify themselves and to make their kids feel guilty.
That's exactly what happened to me and its easy to get very jaded after a while when everybody met sometimes is a nark. I hope you meet your dream partner.
In starting to realize the level of mental illness my mother has…when I was 8, I was in an accident involving a bully in school and had my face smashed into a curb..it broke my front tooth off, broke my nose and crushed my cheekbone and caused damage in my neck…I was eventually pulled from the school and sent to public school while my other 5 siblings stayed at the private school where the accident happened…my middle brother who is a junkie psychopath, took my school picture from the house and took it to school and let his friends write all kinds of crap on it…they drew big buck teeth and wrote Bucky whore and all kinds of crap on it..gave it back to him and he brought it back and gave it to me laughing hysterically…right in front of my mom..I was in 5th grade and my brother was in 2nd grade…the accident happened when I was 8 and my parents never took me to the doctor and the private school basically targeted and abused me in order to get me out …my mother to this day sees nothing wrong with what my brother did…I’m 44 now and I asked her last night if she remembered this incident…and she did…she basically blew it off as me over reacting
I really enjoy listening and watching your podcasts, Kenny. I am a bit older than you and grew up in a time when narcissistic abuse wasn't mentioned. I have done extensive research on this issue and come to realize I was the daughter of a narcissistic father. And, yes, emotionally-underdeveloped AND emotionally- immature people exist today, sadly. Keep up the great work, Kenny, and I must say, you have a beautiful smile. 😊
Congratulations! I am so sorry you experienced narcissistic abuse. If you are an empath, you have now elevated to Aware status. There is nothing more powerful than that!!
Getting rid of people who are abusive, who only want you around for what they can bet out of you without every reciprocating, is the smart thing to do.
Liars, manipulator's and cluster b's always ghost, fine with me. I've had friendships for thirty years and they are friends, when people ghost you be grateful.
I had an extrem case of ghosting. Was in a relationship with someone for 2,5 years. Then a big tragedy happened in his family and bam! suddenly he didn't wanna have anything to do with me anymore. I tried for 2 months to get him to talk to me, explain why, what's going on, what I did wrong etc. But I just couldn't get through to him. I always thought we had a good relationship, but I guess I was wrong. I never wanted this relationship to end and i loved him with all my heart and i thought he loved me too. It's been over a year now and I still hurt from this sudden abandonment without any reason give and i still wonder today how he could cut me off like this after 2,5 years. I have been working hard on myself to not play the victim role and to blame me for this and to forgive him. Looking back now I'm glad it's over and I don't need a person like that in my life, but it is probably something I will chew on for the rest of my life. It's been very hard but every day gets a little better. This video has helped me to get some clarity. Thank you kenny
The truth is that most of us don't know how to tell the truth. We hide behind a mask that keeps us safe from emotional pain. Think "tears of a clown, when there's no one around". He was pretending. He wasn't being honest. He didn't know how to tell you so he just disappeared. There are worse ways to break up. I think the worst is when they start to be nasty to you until YOU break up with THEM. That is not nice at all and very painful. And cowardly. 🤮🤡🤪
@@A-RonHubbard He's just a coward. That's all. No balls. I bet you wouldn't take him back now. You might think you would, but the truth is you wouldn't be able to trust him again. To heal from a broken heart you have to cry, cry, cry. Cry until you have no more tears left to cry. When you are finished crying you won't feel broken any more and you care anymore. Only then can you move on. Try it and you will find I am correct. 🙋🫂💔
For example what could have said as a friend? I find it more difficult than in romantic relationships. What should I say to a friend, also when l don't want to hurt her, but don't want to continue the friendship?
Some people really do have different standards for friends. For example I’m very low maintenance and can sometimes go a year or more without talking to long distance friends. Neither of us have problems with it and just pickup where we left off, but we are also guys and I know women tend to be closer as friends. I have a suspicion some people see romantic relationships in the same way (for whatever reason) which is one reason for ghosting. Doesn’t make it right, because even to me I find it extremely disrespectful to be that distant in a romantic sense, but it is an explanation
@@clownworld4655 I think ghosting also depends on the level of intimacy establishment. If you're sleeping together, talking about your fears and past etc. it's only right to match the goodbye with the connection. Ghosting doesn't match that level of intimacy is therefore ethically wrong.
I’m crying watching this video. Thanks for your honesty because now I know that my denial has been wasting so much time and creating even more damage to my heart, my soul and my mind. I’m the One picking a ghoster. Regards from Switzerland
You have spoken the truth regarding the matter, and yes I agree. It’s about damn time we acknowledge these issues and their reasons and work on ourselves, so that we can be better holistically, and that the world will start treating each other with honesty instead of hiding behind walls, and causing people to question their worth. There are so many people out there who don’t speak up, and are suffering in silence, be it the ones being ghosted, or the one ghosting. Once again, heart touching, great and informative video 💯. Viewer from Singapore 🇸🇬
Kenny Weiss, this is the BEST video I ever seen regarding "Ghosting". I totally agree with you about how the internet/texting has changed our society and how people think and communicate these days.
It does something to the person their ghosting deep down especially when the ghosting happens after a postponed intimacy …when u don’t let ur guard down until there’s a level of trust and comfort…and they’ve gotten u to that point…only to ghost u immediately afterwards…yeah…that does some serious damage to an already damaged person or psyche …most people aren’t smart enough to realize they’re causing more harm then not by doing that type of thing to someone they know has trauma issues ….
@@w8what575 They Aren't doing it for YOUR benefit that's for sure. Don;t blame yourself for one minute. You didn't deserve it. No one does. It's all in them. Pure inability to be honest. You dodged a bullet gf, Celebrate that ! 🥳🥳🥳
Oh wow This opened my 👁👁's SO much I feel like between the two, I may be a ghoster but I've definitely been on the receiving end of being ghosted & it's definitely not a good feeling at ALL when someone's basically making you feel like they're denying your existence & then when they want (or feel like they need) something that they can get from/out of you, they randomly just show up out of nowhere acting like they didn't ghost you for the past 2-3 days, weekend, month...etc etc
This applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones. Yes, you are so right about our damaging childhoods although some are better than others. You are right that most of the time we are the problem because it takes two to tango. On another note, there are times you have to step back from people with whom you have gotten involved. The difficulty is to know when it a healthy act or not. Thanks for this great video.
Thank you for explaining this. I have met someone like this. He came after me. Relationship wise. After the fifth ghosting And research I have just learned to except it. At the time I was going through stuff too so I really needed my space too. He’s like a 7 year old child coming around for comfort, and as soon as he knows your still fine with him he’s gone”. It’s like he need you only when he” needs you……thank god I never stepped over the line, because of the red flags. we are just friends 😊8 years and counting
@@maeveduff8932 They know why you left; there's nothing to explain. Unless they're a moron, they know why you left. Let's say you give an extension explanation, and they want you to stay or talk some more; are you going to continue to explain yourself? When does it end, when THEY say they're content with your explaination for leaving or when you are satisfied with explaining yourself? Using your criteria for cowardice, if you decide to leave and they don't accept your reasoning, you are a coward. It's not a matter of cowardice for leaving without explanation; it's a matter of no longer dignifying their abhorrent behavior with an undeserved answer.
I was a Ghoster for 20 years, not knowing how much I hurt men. I was broken, unable to love ❤️ from fear of getting hurt. I was the one with the problem, NOT the men I was dating. It was never my intention to make men suffer, I was a sick individual in therapy. I stop taking calls the moment a man said or did something I dislike. I learned about the word ghost last year. I had a horrible childhood. My detachment was unprecedented. I didn't take pride that my ghosting could cost anyone harm. That's why I live by myself with a dog. Thank you Sr. I learned something new.
I’m a ghoster. I’ve recently been diagnosed as having autism (Asperger’s) what your said Kenny is absolutely spot on. I’m a 50 year old female. I’ve dated a few people in my life and I usually walk away, I don’t want attachment and other than being blunt and saying it’s over I’m gone. I am aware I do not want confrontation. I don’t always know what to say either. I had a very detached childhood and I’ve been used in relationships for money at the time I had no idea i had Asperger’s. I have to say that I’ve found a lot of people break up they automatically look at the other person and blame them. We rarely look at ourselves. I did and found out about my condition. We have to remember there’s two people in every relationship. Two minds with different ways of thinking. It’s an interesting subject.?
I'm autistic also but get very attached. Something I do though at times when a person appears I'm not interested in I don't know how to tell them. Because I either say nothing or I have no filter. Theres no middle ground.
I too am autistic however everyone seems to blame everything on being autistic. Same thing for ADHD, I have this for years. I get tired of everything people do wrong and blaming it on ADHD. I find this to be a cop out. If you are a ghoster, try and find a way not to do it. Have some growth mindset that you can do it (stop being a ghoster) instead of having a fixed mindset. It takes work but one can do it.
@@debral9651 Hi Deb. In order to break up with someone in a kind and respectful manner you DO have to talk to them face to face. Think about how YOU would want to be told. Tell them that you like them but your feelings aren't strong enough to commit to a relationship with them. You had thought they might be but now you realize that they aren't. Tell them you don't want to waste their time, and you can't see them anymore so you can both move on. . That is kind and honest. Have some reason to leave immediately so they can have time to process this information. They will have to grieve the loss and cry like any other loss. If you can, call the next day to show that you have respect for them. You should expect some tears but if they become angry or abusive you should remove yourself. Don't give them renewed hope and just repeat what you said before. You can google lots of ways to break up gently. 💔
Its good to k ow what is going on with us but your articulated everything so well and having read plenty on the mind brain connection, you have full control and are 100 % responsible to work through your childhood traumas so you can improve and not ghost others anymore. Labels are the lazy persons excuses to not dig deep and feel their pain and learn to develop healthy behaviour. You sound like one of those perfectly capable people. We can't go hurting people because we feel uncomfortable with out pain and dealing with our issues. I encourage you to now start the work within, now that the Dr gave you a label. It's even easier now for you, it's official, you understand exactly what to work on and where to start. I am tired of society making excuses that we simply need to get a label, perhaps pop some pills and walk through life passing along our damaged goods. You are 100% responsible and capable so don't be lazy. I have gone through so much and had tons of childhood trauma but I always did the work and we must be gracious to our journey and pain we have had, yet we must be real and go to work. I had to be strict with myself and not feel sorry nor be defensive. When we are honest with ourselves, we can work through everything.
When I have been ghosted, even in real life, I am thankful. Let’s me see before I am in deep. I have been doing a lot of forgiveness work. Not perfect, but ready to look forward in my life instead of backwards. With the men I do meet, amazing how much pain they are projecting towards women in general. I am in shock and awe that they will attempt to gaslight me in the very first conversation we have. Waiting for a guy who I can have an authentic conversation with. Right now, a lot of “my way or the highway” conversations happening. I used to feel the need to help them. Not so much anymore.
Sometimes I am not sure when it's ghosting or just people are busy or whether I have crossed some personal or professional line. So I try not to assume it's ghosting until I've exhausted all other logical reasons...
Let's say we are friends and you said or did something, which crossed my boundaries. I would tell you about it, because I would like to discuss it, be honest about my feelings, my expectations and I would hope for reconciliation. And i would also hope to be treated in the same way by you, if I did something hurtful. Busy.... no one is THAT busy. There was time in my life, when I was super busy, and still made time for my friends, because meeting them was something super pleasant to me. Like a reward for a hard work. They were NOT treated as an unpleasant chore. I remember I was sick like a dog, having a terrible flue, and I still wanted to chat with my bestie of this time via video call. Because seeing my friend was my medicine, and cheered me up. On the other hand, I have been just ghosted by a friend of mine, whom I saved life 3 times. Not metaphorically. She ghosted me, because now her problems are solved, she has a new job and a new (rich) boyfriend. I don't match her new very busy schedule and a new posh life... . I believe she thinks that if she needs me, I will be there, waiting for her phone call or a text message. Nope. Take it from me, and I have a HUGE life experience with people of different kinds. People who truly value you won't risk losing you. There is no such thing as "too busy". If a person respect you, then they may call you and say: "Listen girl, I am having an apocalypse here now. I have to deal with it right now. I will call you back in two weeks, and they we will chat". And they DO call back in two weeks. If they don't try to reschedule the call, don't answer the text for a long time ( a week or more) , give you a promise but don't deliver, then you can safely believe you are not valued enough to have your needs or feelings considered. I have NEVER EVER had a situation, when someone who truly respect me ghosted me "for valid reason". You will never exhaust all logical reasons. You need only one : where there's a will, there's a way.
alot of ghosting is just people not reciprocating interest … there are lot people that need validation and attention but don’t give none in return… chasing without equal interest is exhausting
I agree with this but I also think there's another situation that happens when people ghost, like I've started to. I've learned that you can't change people and talking to some of them is a waste of time and energy. I would say that they are the narcissists in my situation, and God is pruning them out of my life. I'm much more at peace and confident in myself since doing this. I pray for them and leave them in God's hands where they belong. I do love and care about them but I was the only one in the relationship doing that. We are responsible for ourselves, and others are responsible for themselves. I only have room in my life for people who add to it, even if it's just being grateful for my giving. God bless you all.
What you describe is not ghosting, but No Contact. No Contact is a reaction to abuse. If a narcissist stops talking to you,then it's ghosting. Intention is crucial here.
I love your light switch analogy. Once I figured out how I was accepting this behavior I realized I never had a clear idea of what my real needs were in friendship either. I wrote down what I needed and realized I wasn’t even sure what my friends needed. I never ghosted but had a few ghosters. As my need for emotional intimacy changed so did my relationship needs. I had a wonderful therapist help me through this.
Kenny in my opinion I have come to believe that on online most people are emotionaly immature and pshycologicaly disturbed and when a normal person goes online they start getting affected by these disturbed unstable people-the internet is just a playroom a hook up place of emotionaly unstable disturbed people that pretend and live in a delusional world-its role playing and they can be anything they want.
There's also a difference between someone who abruptly ghosts you without any indication the relationship was in trouble and someone who suddenly ends communication after a squabble with you over something. My older brother was the former with me
My ghosting 👻 👻 tactics did come from fear based abandonment issues from my dad not being in the home as a child. This internet dating is full of narcissistic connections and knowing the lack of emotional interest from most men (looking more for physical hookups) I got so turned off an kicked them off my universe before feeling rejected 🙅🏽♀️ an disappointed ☹️. I know now not to give my number out so fast an vet the person before deciding to level up to a stronger connection. Internet dating is definitely not for me!
@@ann-louisegustavsson5008 I love connecting too but todays dating market is so full of self-centered men who want the goods instead of a real connection!!
That's my new way of acting. No more deep investment in the "internet friends". I have some acquaintances online, and that's fine, but our interactions are quite superficial. What I've noticed that most of my online friends (female friends) used to treat me as an unpaid therapist or a shoulder to cry on. I was their personal ER and crisis management centre. they weren't interested in talking about hobbies, neutral topics, anything else but the drama. Their drama.
These are exactly what the person who ghosted me ever said!! I don’t want to tie up to my phone, I was busy, blah blah blah. Hard to open up, hard to share, hard to communicate. Thank you for this video!
thats the first thing these ghosters say when confronted followed by "don't make me feel guilty". I mean ghosting is the most heartless thing anyone can do. I mean its worse than even an assassination.
Well, I'm planning on " ghosting " my old self. I liken my life to a snow globe, I'm gonna shake it up, then decide where and how much I allow the " snow " in certain areas. No more letting it fall wherever. Been working on Self Discipline, and want some BIG changes. Good Luck to all this year as we self IMPROVE.
Thank you for your clear and not judging explanation. Coming from a childhood you explained. I struggle a lot with my fear of confrontation. I really don't want to hurt no body with my acting, I just can't help if somebody comes angry against me to stand my ground so I disconect from the situation by stop communicating Im in therapy, it's a long way out of it.
That is me, and I hate it, I have massive sections of my life missing to dissociation and I watch friends slip away and all I can say is I'm still here if you need me.
Someone who ghosts you is showing you lack of commitment towards you because of lack of commitment to urself ie being a people pleaser but not caring towards yourself...
That's why we must unconditionally love! We don't know why others are the way they are. It's not our business. It's our business to be the best us we can be and understand that not all are like us.
You are amazing. Thank you for this presentation. I am guilty of these traits. I am a work in progress. But it begins with self awareness and accountability. I am a deeply traumatized person. But I am making efforts to change these awful behaviors.
I love this Kenny! I figured out all this about me too. it's been quite the realization and profound moment of transformation, self forgiveness and deeper understanding and love not just for myself as well as my union with everything. Thank you, you are so Fabulous!!!! XOXO
I was ghosted a few times by mind so called friend. I’m happier now because I’m not so hurt anymore. It took counselling to help me let go of the self blame🤗🤗
Depends….does that person make u feel like a better person or do they make u constantly wonder? Ghosting is also a tactic that abusive people use to hook their claws into vulnerable people inexperienced with their type of abuse…I was very naive when I went out into the world…I had no idea that my ex husband was abusing me emotionally by cheating on me and then blaming me for him cheating because I was not living up to his expectations…I spent half my adult life trying to fix myself to make him happy…after 14 years of his bs..I finally had enough when I found myself on a bridge getting ready to jump because I didn’t do his laundry right and woke up to him screaming and spitting in my face that if I ever touch his laundry again he was going to beat the ever living hell out of me and put me in the hospital! I had done his laundry the entire time exactly the same then one day that happened. He was doing this kind of mind screwing in front of our sons…my oldest son being old enough to have learned that’s how he could treat his mother…my oldest son physically attacked me on a few occasions over having to help carry in groceries or do his homework when he was a teenager and then I found out that he was telling his school that I was violently abusing him and he was terrified to go home in hopes they would pull him from my custody and let him live with his dad…who wanted nothing to do with him…he went as far as trying to have me arrested for things I’m not even physically able to do..my son is 6’ tall 300 lb football player…im 5’ tall and petite….they were the reason I left my ex…because he was starting to abuse them and I couldn’t protect them from him any longer …I made the mistake of trying to hide the fact their dad didn’t want to have visitations anymore…he would cancel for the visit and go spend the weekend partying with his new wife..or one of his other girlfriends instead…I tried to protect my son but it backfired…I should have let him experience the abandonment he was receiving …even if it broke my heart..I still struggle with that deep seeded belief that no man would want a woman like me…that I am the reason why my ex had to cheat and financially neglect us and steal from us and leave us with no food etc…nothing hurts worse then a toddler crying and hanging on u because he’s hungry and there’s nothing u can do about it because their father decided he needed another motorcycle helmet and spent every last penny on it instead of food…when he was specifically told it’s al we have left for food…and I had two more weeks before my next paycheck and not even a cracker to feed my sons…I lost 16 lbs in two weeks and had no vehicle while he had 7 car payments and lived a life of Riley at my expense..when I kicked him out, I was on the verge of losing everything…I had to barrow money from my parents to turn the electricity back on and buy diapers for my youngest son and my co workers brought me a bunch of commodities food that kept us fed …I was very blessed to have met the people who helped us through those hard times…there were very few of them that he hadn’t gotten to…most people were giving false testimony and making themselves look like fools in the end when it was proven they were lying for him to punish me…I was turned into cps over 24 times when my ex husbands attorney finally sent the state a letter threatening a law suit because my ex thought I was turning him in because he was too stupid to realize that every time he turned me in, they had to investigate both parents lol…so he thought they were questioning him because I turned him in..,lol..what a moron! So he did me a favor by having his attorney write that letter lol…he eventually got to my boss through a friend of his that also worked where I did and got me fired…he’s had me fired many times and had intentionally made life difficult for us…these types are monsters and the only way to get away is to block and ghost..
Thank you for your posts. I had learnt a lot, unfortunately only when I was really sick from this abuse.... extreme empathy is a fear based abuse. Yes.
Kenny great info! I'm one of the odd ones out (not a picker).... I have one sister in the Grandiose Narc Range and another in the Vulnerable Narc Range. Many of the online videos focus on "picking" a partner within these ranges.. Mine is unique because the first range was unavoidable with 2 State Bosses, luckily that was solved with time. The Sisters are unavoidable because of being relatives (also not picked) and now adults and difficulty with dealing with an elderly parent. Actually the two bosses helped me understand and navigate the grandiose narc sister... So negative experiences can be beneficial! This video helped me understand the sister who is the multiple ghoster who has flipped on and off throughout the years! The interesting thing is that she can never share in others successes but is always jealous and can't hear about them. Also unfortunately.... her children now are ghosting her! I feel sorry for her because she lives such a lonely and bitter life.
Thanks, Kenny! This is the best explanation of ghosting (abusive,avoidant behavior) behavior that I have heard. I liked the light switch and dangling carrot metaphors. The “broken picker” comment was funny but eye opening! I have watched this video several times, and it teaches us sooooo much more than a lesson about ghosting!
This is so bang on I'm seriously living this. Holy smokes... I for some reason am attracted to unavailable men. Why. So frustrating. I really do want deep connection and love. This is on me. Where do people meet ppl . I can't do online dating...I just don't feel connection. I need to get out there and maybe get hobby and meet ppl. This was eye opening.
If you had unavailable parents, mostly father, then you simply have a blind spot. I had that one. I couldn't predict things, because toxic behaviours were perceived by me as normal. Because they were "normal" in my home. felt you had to "win" Daddy's feelings, if you were constantly triangulated with something or someone, then you believe that chasing unavailable people is a natural thing to do and that all people play cat and mouse in their relationships. My newest discovery - go to a local cafe. Chat with a bartender/barista/waitress. Such people know a lot of people. If this person will get familiar with you, if you talk about nice things, about life , about your hobbies, they will introduce you to other customers, who like similar things. That's what I chose to do after being constantly disappointed by online "friends". And it works.
I think it’s a bless to maintain the continuity of life without having to deal with the ambiguity that comes by acknowledging completely ceasing someone or something’s presence. Keep it rolling 😊
Damn this was very interesting. Afraid/unable to feel intimacy. Reject/block those who call/come onto me. I know that I have a type of avoidant personality/behavior. I can ghost people that cross my boundaries. Sure those are not always clear but we all want decency. When i ghost, I do so permanently, no looking back. You are also right about the society of what we watch/experience through our screens. That becomes an out, avoidant/escape. We crave that connection. No wonder men watch pron and women useless romantic/dating.
Interesting, astute thank you. I'm old, glad to be. I also am tech challenged, no social media. When i was a young dysfunctional, ghosting happened but we did not have this terminology. I'm loaded with attachment issues, but being a goody goody i felt an obligation to be honest delivering rejection, saying no. The huge pleasant surprise was that people are complimented by candor spoken respectfully. And they appreciated
I know I’m the problem…I used to let people walk all over me…I’ve been the scapegoat my whole life…being blamed for everything under the sun…I’ve been single for 15 years now after a bad marriage that caused cptsd that I’ve recently realized I have…the few people I’ve met over this time were absolutely horrible and abusive and even worse…the last time left me bruised and beaten…he went to prison for what he did…he did what he did because I refused to be walked on any longer…,I’m guilty of ghosting…and have had to look deep inside myself why I do this…I am terrified of being hurt and used and neglected etc…this stems a lot from childhood trauma I am struggling with…I don’t remember a lot of it…until someone starts talking about it and then it comes flooding back in like a hammer slamming down…no one understands why I become reclusive during these times…but the trauma was severe and cruel and inflicted from the people who were supposed to keep me safe as a small child…being the scapegoat had made me very easy to accept the responsibility for my mistakes…I have no problem saying I screwed up and I apologize how can I fix this for u…but when I’m having to take on the responsibility of other peoples choices and mistakes…like being blamed for my brother shooting up drugs by my mother and her telling people it’s my fault he’s a junkie when I am dead set against it!? How do I work through that? I live in a small town and am surrounded by people who have been given this interpretation of me that’s so far from who I am, and having to be treated as though I’m insane when I have never been the type to react violently or irrationally…all I can do to work through this is to stand up straight with my head up and continue through ignoring that person they made me out to be and show my true self…if others can’t see me for who I am through my actions and my own words, then they’re not worth my time. The people who were supposed to be friends, were only friends when I served a purpose to them yet when I struggle with even physical things like moving, no one is anywhere to be found. This is when I realized, I have so much to do on a daily basis because it’s just me and my sons, things like cleaning my home, fixing my vehicle, taking my son to school and dealing with the school events etc…I have to do that on my own and when a friend or family memeber expects me to drop that priority from my life so that I can dea with their problems, that they won’t even help with for themselves, then that’s one sided…anything heathy involves balance, boundaries, and reciprocation from both parties…not just me. I am blown away at how many people will go out of their way to blame me for an irrelevant problem they have simply to have a reason to point a finger and place blame on me instead of taking responsibility for their own issues they caused for themselves. A “buddy” showed up a few months back at 11 pm on a cold night…,hurried me out to the drive where his truck was parked…his truck was making an awful noise…I work on my own vehicle and have worked on others vehicles to give them a break from the over priced mechanics shops…I taught myself how to work on vehicles etc because I was ripped off so bad by Midas in Kearney Nebraska and was without a vehicle in a rural setting…it’s not like I can walk downtown when u live 25 miles from the store lol…I had no choice but to learn…this buddy has no clue with vehicles …most guys are clueless on even maintaining their vehicles… well…he started his truck and I immediately knew he had a pulley going out…I told him I have a bad pulley being it’s a ford it’s either the tensioner pulley or ur power steering pump…a very common problem with ford pickups…I got some pb blaster and sprayed down the pulley and got it quiet again…checked the serpentine belt which felt like it was fairly new ch card it all over to make sure it wasn’t gonna freeze up and break the belt..told him to go get some wd40 or pb blaster to get through the weekend but he needed to replace it asap…he was happy and went on his way…I didn’t hear anything out of him for two months…I had texted and asked if he got it fixed or needed help with it…and nothing..ok? Idk? Turns out..,he’s livid pissed to the point he’s sent a group of other females after me and tried having me jumped! He’s blaming me for the belt breaking and being without a vehicle when he just continued driving it even after I told him he needed to get it replaced asap that he would be without wheels if that belt breaks…the alternator won’t charge the battery and the water pump won’t be pumping coolant etc if the belt isn’t on the vehicle! Every man should know the importance of the serpentine belt on a vehicle! Now I’m being chased down and harassed by all his buddies and people after me violently threatening me! Like I caused it to happen! It’s a 2008 ford pickup with 225,000 miles on it and all original! Wtf does he expect!? Well, they have tried intimidating me while I’m driving down the road..and I simply laugh at them and tap on my dash cam to show them I’m always recording and I’m not afraid to stand face to face with them! Beat me up! I do not care! But I will fight until there’s no fight left in me! If I go down I will do so swinging because I am not in the wrong! I will stand nose to nose with him and fist fight the sob just like a man would! Put me in the hospital! Idc! He is in the wrong and I find it pathetic he’s so stupid to not be able to accept he did not listen to my advice and he caused the break down not me! Blaming me does what good!? All he did was lose a friend who was willing to look at his vehicle and tell him exactly what was wrong and offered to help him fix it as well! And I deserve this? Because he is too simple minded to realize it would have cost him $400 for the same diagnostics at a shop I did for free in the cold at 11 pm when I was already in bed! This is why I’m reclusive! This is why I ghost people….I texted him when I found out what he was doing…and told him I’m no longer available to blame for his stupidity and not to ever contact me again..for any reason! And blocked him! Everything he’s needs help, he knows he could ask me cuz I was the only person who kept my word and helped him…if he needed money, I set him up with work that paid right away…his other friends stole everything he had while he sat a month in jail for some stupid traffic issue he ignored and it caught up with him…I gave him a bunch of clothes and shoes my son out grew…my sons are the size of football players so..lol….and I’m a 5’ tall petite 40 something single mom…and this man is going that far to punish me for his own damned negligence. I’ve cut everyone out of my life now and am reorganizing my priorities and cleaning up my life to prepare for the life I deserve….that my sons deserve…no more running around for others when I have my own place to manage and organize and fix…no one helps me with my tasks or struggles..so no more to anyone who is unable to reciprocate the same boundaries and respect I give others…I have looked inward and worked on me for years and years…if I seem harsh in my thoughts expressed here then that’s just how it is…if someone throws off any red flags…I will be kind enough to ar least send that text stating the problem I’m seeing and my apology for ending it, but then I’m blocking it out..,I haven’t the time nor energy to deal with trivial pathetic bs like this buddy has placed blame on me for…talk about irrational illogical behavior from a grown man! No more! I come first and I demand the respect same as anyone else…
Kenny u are legend. As u say we are all perfectly imperfect but gees u sure put yr heart and soul into improving yr self and us lucky folk who have come across yr Chanel are also reaping such life changing rewards. Bless you for sharing and caring.
So much true about toxic internet dating how many ppl give up wounded due to dysfunctional fake techno communication that leads most of the time nowhere it's fertile land for scammers were lots of men and women loosing their savings it's insane !
Ghosting is an escape from taking responsibility. A mature attitude would be to end the conversation with a polite phrase like "I don't want to continue this conversation any longer. Take care." Politeness is respect for others and for oneself.
It only takes a minute literlally to tell them how you feel ghosting is just a new way people who dont know how to communciate like a real adult do they jist ghost you like a teeneager
More dangerous than the ghosters are the people who light-weight ghost. They stay in your life, pop back in and pop back out as though you're a special restaurant of theirs. Those people cause more damage than the one who makes it clear how they feel through a ghost.
Indeed, it had been a torment never knowing when they will strike. I have lost my sense of security, and live in the constant shadow of the ghoster. He is well aware of my fear of him and impact it had on me for decades.
I've been ghosted a few times. I just don't understand why agree to meet someone at a specific time and place and then just ghost. Why play that game? They always respond to calls and texts up until right before the meet,then they stop responding. What kind of twisted pleasure do they get by playing with people? Karma is real,so when they get toyed with,I won't care for a second when they cry and complain.
Thank you for this information I didn't even know why he use to ghost me so much . I eventually dumped him so he can ghost 👻 himself that was the only way out for me.. ✅
I totally respect everything said here because it is true; however at times, when it's a case of someone who has a personality disorder or codependency, boundaries set up by another person is often seen as ghosting to them. Even if guidelines were discussed before boundaries were set and when limits are pushed by the individual with codependent or BPD, NPD behaviors and boundaries are set in motion WITH communication.....it will still be viewed as offensive and as ghosting. I've been in both situations a bad ghoster in my younger years (like teens and early 20s) and a boundary setter ( communicating limits and expectations and adhering to said limits and expectations ) we owe no one anything.
My childhood was a mess. Mom was dumped into an orphanage while her parents were alive. My dad was th number 8 child. He was brought up extremely poor in the reconstruction era. His mom was probably a dead mother. I'm sure a black woman in the late 1800's had her share of trauma. So her comes me into all of this toxic mix. So I'm off to read your book and watch other videos.
It sounds like your parents had a strong potential to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is crazy making and traumatic for their children. I'm sorry that you are joining our club. 💔🫂🙋
@@Miniver765 You are RIGHT. He grew up in a worse era - JIM CROW - IN Ottumwa, Iowa. I was mistaken. My dad was born in 1910, the 8th child of a very poor family.
I really love how you explained it and how precisely you were!! I recently deal with someone like that something I never experienced in my life but everything you said was very accurate it was a turmoil like a roller coaster for me but dump him after I realized what was happening
Dating online is in complete opposition of what was taught to me as a child. Talking and trusting complete strangers. Went on my last online date 2 years ago. Upon initial meeting, he asked for a hug. I said no. I dont hug strangers. He called me cold and let me know that in my online profile i looked so warm. Yeah, i am. Just not with strangers. At the end of the date, he again asked for a hug. No the second time. This is when i got in my car and blocked deleted. Sometimes, ghosting can just prevent a situation that suits the circumstance. He was creepy and wanted to see * hug if my breasts were real. It's like being 14 all over again.
A lot of men are expecting sex the first date. Things like this make me wishing courting would come back lol! Let’s get to know each other and see if we are compatible.
How do you know if he wanted to test your breast? Did he say that? I think people are entitled to ask for whatever. We dont need to judge them for it, but just say no if we dont want to.
It feels good to realise I'm not a victim. That I picked this, I'm a ghoster too and I've ghosted them back a few times before they eventually cut me off. I'm too scared of love to work on healing this, I think I'll just sit in the pain
HAHAHAHA, Kenny I am crackinggg listening to this! I have been ghosted alottt and now I understand why! Its so true!! I cant believe that the guy I alow to hurt me the most name is Kenny, and the one who is opening my eyes name is Kenny. Alottt of lo e to you!!
When I ghost, it’s because I don’t want them anymore, I want something else, or something different, or something more than what they are. Why did I do that? Because probably to much of a coward to see the look on their face, the sadness…..can’t handle seeing them in pain, because of the loss of me I suppose. What emotional disturbance is that exactly? Also I was ghosted once. It RIPPED me completely apart. I wrote an entire inside of my brain, as to the reasons why they did this to me. The novel’s title was, “every single thing that’s wrong with Nichelle”, at the end of the contemplation, degradation, self sabotage, self loathing, I realized, I’m just not perfect for anyone. Mostly no one is. Because, just like everything else, we do, we consume, we upgrade. So there’s always a chance for one to be discarded, as the one you love may realize that there is someone better for them, not necessarily better THAN you, just better FOR them. And like you said we all had “issues” in childhood. 70% of us are never ever getting therapy. So, welcome to the world. I hate ghosting and haven’t ghosted since I was ghosted, I hope to never do that again. But I’m an emotionally disturbed human, and so probably I might do emotionally disturbed things repeatedly, until the grim reaper decides it’s time for him to come have the “tea date” , that he promised me the moment I was born. I love you, I love your work. I hope you can heal some of us, thank you for being you, you’re a magnificent creature. Im a wretched one. And I need you.🐺⚰️⏳🌚🔪🕯💀🖤🦇
I ghosted friends after coming out of an abusive r’ship… I couldn’t cope with conflict / gaslighting and was very ill… I couldn’t cope with them talking about me behind my back and couldn’t face them 😢
I have experienced both ghosting and being ghosted and I am also quite good at grey rocking, observe don't absorb and straight up black out no contact. But I also have good connections with people who I have built trust and respect with and so I am somewhere in the middle. Like there are people who are lower functioning than me who I cause to feel overwhelm and I experience a ton of projection fromr many different people. And there are people who are higher functioning than me that I feel are aspirational and good to model... And there is a third group of people who are not complimentary but materially successful but devoid of the character values and virtues I would want to reflect in my own life that I experience the opposite of aspirational feelings towards. Idk what the word would be for the third category of people. I have explored the idea of imposter syndrome concerning the third group and I think it must be more about how I don't feel comfortable because I don't want to emulate them. I am probably going to have to think more about it before I can fully explain what I am saying. It has to do with discernment. Because this third category of people are the ones I have dealt with most recently and although they expressed similar if not identical ideas to what was said here, I got the sense they were wielding these ideas as weapons in order to gain control and dominance. Similar to what you were saying about being predatory and not being aware of it. I would not say they were wrong, just the motivations and covert contracts built into the dynamics was the issue. Black out no contact on the third category. Not sorry. With what is being said here its a totally different ball game. These people in category three are definitely on that same vibe you are talking about in so far as they demand the ultimate level of intimacy while practicing a matching level of dissociative non committal non action. I did not consent to covert contracts. I did not consent to performative "growth" in order to generate clicks views and ad revenue. There are definitely people in the self development/personal growth/relationship coaching world who are faking the funk. They would rather fake it than make it. That is not my bag man. Waste of time.
Good stuff! I appreciate your channel you are bringing so much clarity to individuals ,like myself who desparately need it!Keep up the great work Kenny! It sure is making a big difference !
Do ghosters sometimes ghost because they're afraid to have feelings for that person but won't admit it, or is it a lack of interest? What does it mean if they come back after ghosting?
I feel like what most people call a narcissist or a ghoster is just a person who may be attracted to you but has a hard time accepting you because for some reason they don’t feel like you fit into their social group. I.e maybe you are over weight or you are black and they are white, or you are too short or not as conventionally attractive as they would want you to be in regards to other’s pre fences for them. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes societies influence on the beholder can keep them from following their heart.
Thank u so so much for sharing your information. I did what u did.. left all dating sites for ever!! They did my head in not to mention broke my heart lol. I no am aware of the signs of a ghoster thank god. Thank u for helping people. Luv and light🙏🏼🦋
I have to disagree with you here. The reason there is a term ghosting is because it is rampant. I challenge anyone who is actively looking for a relationship online not to find a few. This isn’t the same arena as 15-20 years ago. I do agree ghost’s are either severely damaged people or players. That’s no reflection on me. I’ve learned to go with the flow, and not overly invest until the person I am dating is consistently showing up and holding his equal weight.
I’ve officially given up on dating after this, our society, the internet, has broken our society.
I did this too until I found someone who I walk dogs for who is a single man and I met him in person many times. I really care about him and we like each other however he is avoidant and a Ph.D. in psychology and had a private practice no less. He is now a lawyer and works for the government. He is a very nice man, but he only goes so far in a relationship and that is it! I may soon go back to my happy single life where I was for 20 years! We are both professionals, with no children I have been married however he never has and we are both over 63. I am too old for any games and I have my own money so while I do not need a man, I just wanted a man to share my happy life with.
i havent been with anybody for 9 years and i don't miss the bs at all when it comes to romantic relationships and marriage . Just gets lonely sometimes.
how about a Non- dating Scenario? ( Case in point 4 adult childrens Ghosted US). so So SAD.
Yes it has )-:
They're more old fashioned in the country. X
I totally agree with this! Ghosters tend to be avoidant attachment. They have a deep fear of intimacy and vulnerability and ghost when the relationship becomes serious and more commitment is expected
I had someone come after me and insist on the immediate connection, commitment and intimacy. Very quickly involved me in their life, immediately wanting me to meet friends, parents, coworkers, etc. Told me I was the one. It went on and on, and after a few months I felt safe and saw no reason not to trust. Then BOOM…they discarded me with NO real answer as to why. Just couldn’t. Yes, I’ve been in therapy and watching countless videos about narcissists. Worst pain of my life, and I’ve been through a lot.
Yes, I'm in the exact same spot. I'm so hurt and mad that he couldn't just talk to me. Gosting me is so immature and I lost a ton of respect for him!!!
People who quit talking to me is like the trash taking itself out.
None of my business what other people think of me. I embrace it as a blessing.
Right! It still hurts though if you liked or loved that person.
Dont you get tired of being disrespected though?
@@GabrielOsiuhwuthey are in a high paradigm, it sounds like they depersonalized the meaning of others behavior; not being identified with it. How someone else lives their life is up to them not me, so I should not take responsibility for their actions when they are their own being. I do understand the stress of having plans canceled or 'friends' going radio silent, but at the same time, you would be better off working on a project at home or going out and talking to other people and building those relationships
@@GabrielOsiuhwubasically instead of being in the frame of offense and betrayal, do your best to see it as it is,
_____ person may or may not have the time, energy, attention and/maturity for this relationship to flourish.
Edit: *adding* "so I reclaim my energy and focus so I can give it to the opportunities that offer what I'm looking for"
Funny metaphore! It's a great name for that attitude, indeed.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed, shut down & am completely drained, unable to to people. Like a small wounded animal, I need a dark corner alone to get myself right. Not wanting to burden others with my depression & dispare. I reamurge when I have positive energy & support to give.
Wishing you happiness
Turn to Jesus He loves you, He is the healer of the body And savior of the soul, There is True Hope in Jesus, God protects Psalms 91, He is the God of miracles Acts 2:21 And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved Jesus alone saves Trust Him with your salvation John 3:16
1 Corinthians 15 1-4
Moreover Brethren, i declare unto you the gospel which i preached unto you, which also ye have received, and with wherein ye stand
By which also ye are saved, if you keep in memory what i preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain,
For i delivered unto you first of all that which i also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures
And that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the scriptures, Take care
Hmm maybe document when you always feel like that and if you see a pattern you know when you feel like that and you can tell people before that you will feel drained at least give explanation before hand. Or tell people that you sometimes just shut down
Ghosting is not only abusive it’s childish and cowardly behavior.
💯 I agree with this.
🙌🏻
In every case?🙄
@@jeanval428 you said that, I didn’t. You decide for yourself what works for you.
@@Kelly-sl6vz asked?😒
Don't think too deeply on it and just ghost them back, it's not worth trying to chase after them. If they can't take thirty seconds to text you back when they aren't busy? Then you don't have any time for their games and disinterest
Exactly. Its rude. Liars. They have bad characters. Narcs ghost. You ghost me I ghost you back. I won't chase people anymore. People are intentional how horrible they treat others. Enough is enough!
@@janetromey7522 had to weed out a flakey person who was a good friend of several years. His now ex wife walked out on him for another friend of his and got herself knocked up. It's crazy that I was more loyal to him than she was and he didn't respect or appreciate it. So much for bros over hoes......not complaining but it just goes to show one should have boundaries and understand their own value
@@georgiakritikos4955 they show us who they are and are not.
@@janetromey7522 Amen, done with all these folks. I don't chase anyone, but sometimes, women, are jealous, may reasons. They can't keep up the game to long. Other reasons, don't care, if they show me disrespect a couple of times, or maybe once, now, I'm OUT. I'm real and dont have time with , they're important, but your not. Ok, bye, Forever, don't have time.
@@crystalsmith4187 You're absolutely right. People will push you as far as you let them when it comes to disrespect. Nip it in the bud. Don't tolerate disrespect for one minute. People show you who they are by the way they treat others. Why would you allow people around you that don't have respect for others. Low lifes.
This was the first explanation of underlying ghosting mechanics that reasonsted with what I intuitively picked up in my recent qhosting exeperience. What bothers me most (besides the feeling of rejection) is the cognitive dissonance it leaves one with. There was a strong connection and mutual infatuation. Everything felt wonderful, like the beginning of real long term love and then suddently a complete turnaround. It's confusing when you feel someones feelings towards you but how they act is telling you the opposite... I feel it's all about fear and control. Like everyone they want and crave love but can't deliver. There is also a lack of responsibility, and emphaty for hurting others in the process.
Absolutely. You described a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Now I'm so happy he rejected me and I'm 💯 % over it. There where so many red flags and wouldn't have ended well.
Being ghosted is a gift.
Thank you! Have you noticed, though, that they re-materialize at your doorstep? Restraining order.
@@salliegallegos918 yes. I've had ghosters come back, too
Still disrespectful though
I was ghosted for the first time 3 years ago. It was devestating. Now i know, he is a professional ghoster and just a wounded idiot.
😂😂
I’ve been ghosted a couple of times and it was always when I needed validation on where things were going. I’d get to the point of being tired of not knowing if this guy liked me or he was just using me. After many months of seeing each other. I’d be so patient thinking they needed time and feelings would develop over time and if I didn’t rush too quickly with labeling the relationship. but really they were either narcissists or emotionally unavailable commitment phobics. It really suck when the chemistry was really strong and you also felt some kind of connection. So hard to find that. Maybe it was one sided. I’ll never know because they were too cowardly to be honest. 🤷♀️
If you check on these people years later on social media you’ll see they are still single and doing the same things. That’s then when you finally realize it wasn’t personal. So hard not to take that personally. Your self esteem takes a huge hit when someone does that to you after months of dating you. You feel disrespected and devalued. They also always contact you again years later.
So true about wanting to contact you years later 🤣 They think you still might be an easy target lol.
I don't think a man's feelings for you are even about you. It's always about THEM. A man will treat ANY woman the same way he treats you. Don't take ANYTHING they do at ANY TIME personally. It is all about the kind of person THEY are. NOT YOU.
Yes they have light-switch feelings for people. They can turn them on and off. I tried to be in a relationship with this kind of person but it eventually leads to them cheating. ALWAYS. I think it's important to find out people's true definition of love before attaching. Find out if they think it's an "experience" or want it to be "free and in the moment." Some people will be expert at disguising their unsavory beliefs about relationships but they WILL show you in other ways like disappearing for a few days or not responding to texts in a timely fashion. Beware of the person who connects on an amazing level in person but seems to disappear for a few days afterwards. These are the signs you need to notice and stop with those insecure thoughts of, "I don't want to appear needy or desperate."
I have had them contact me years later & I just tell them it’s too late now. You strike while the irons hot. Since you didn’t, I’m sorry I’m not interested now. You’re right, years later there they are still on a dating site doing the same thing. There’s too many choices on dating sites nowadays, so no one can concentrate on one person.
They can't contact me because as soon as I know. I'm ghosted, they're blocked. And plus I know we're curious to know what happened but even if we knew.
That's just with that person. Whatever their problem was nothing to do with us.
O so they are doing a safe favor
💯
They ghost as a power trip. They do that to ppl they think are higher than them. They do it when they're intimidated and jealous of a person.
That could be, I never thought about that.
I learned alot after suffering narcissistic abuse. Once I learned that I was suffering from narcisstic abuse, I never made that mistake again. I know what the traits are and I will never go back to those type of people. I have a healthy life now with boundaries. I did not know what was going on at first, but after the light was shed on my situation I knew exactly what to do. After my divorce, I met another narcissist. I saw the red flags and got out of that relationship right away and completely cut that person off. I am very selective when it comes to letting people into my life. I do not need a romantic relationship to be happy. My parents were narcissists and never accepted responsibility for the abuse they inflicted. They always defended themselves. My childhood was tramatic and I realized that the abuse really damaged me and ruined my life. I now have started a new life and have cut toxic people out of my life. I have peace I never had before. Narcissistic parents are extremely manipulating. They use the Bible verse "honor your parents" to justify themselves and to make their kids feel guilty.
That's exactly what happened to me and its easy to get very jaded after a while when everybody met sometimes is a nark. I hope you meet your dream partner.
🌹❤️
In starting to realize the level of mental illness my mother has…when I was 8, I was in an accident involving a bully in school and had my face smashed into a curb..it broke my front tooth off, broke my nose and crushed my cheekbone and caused damage in my neck…I was eventually pulled from the school and sent to public school while my other 5 siblings stayed at the private school where the accident happened…my middle brother who is a junkie psychopath, took my school picture from the house and took it to school and let his friends write all kinds of crap on it…they drew big buck teeth and wrote Bucky whore and all kinds of crap on it..gave it back to him and he brought it back and gave it to me laughing hysterically…right in front of my mom..I was in 5th grade and my brother was in 2nd grade…the accident happened when I was 8 and my parents never took me to the doctor and the private school basically targeted and abused me in order to get me out …my mother to this day sees nothing wrong with what my brother did…I’m 44 now and I asked her last night if she remembered this incident…and she did…she basically blew it off as me over reacting
I really enjoy listening and watching your podcasts, Kenny. I am a bit older than you and grew up in a time when narcissistic abuse wasn't mentioned. I have done extensive research on this issue and come to realize I was the daughter of a narcissistic father. And, yes, emotionally-underdeveloped AND emotionally- immature people exist today, sadly. Keep up the great work, Kenny, and I must say, you have a beautiful smile. 😊
Congratulations! I am so sorry you experienced narcissistic abuse. If you are an empath, you have now elevated to Aware status. There is nothing more powerful than that!!
Getting rid of people who are abusive, who only want you around for what they can bet out of you without every reciprocating, is the smart thing to do.
People simply ghost because they have tons of options and the irony of this is that they always end up alone and miserable.
so true
Yes, I have abandonment issues, the more he blocked me, the more l needed to prove how worthy I'm. Most of the l will leave first so l can powerful.
Liars, manipulator's and cluster b's always ghost, fine with me. I've had friendships for thirty years and they are friends, when people ghost you be grateful.
I think you're right!!
Yep all the people who ghost me does have a cluster b personality disorder.. omg
I had an extrem case of ghosting. Was in a relationship with someone for 2,5 years. Then a big tragedy happened in his family and bam! suddenly he didn't wanna have anything to do with me anymore. I tried for 2 months to get him to talk to me, explain why, what's going on, what I did wrong etc. But I just couldn't get through to him. I always thought we had a good relationship, but I guess I was wrong. I never wanted this relationship to end and i loved him with all my heart and i thought he loved me too. It's been over a year now and I still hurt from this sudden abandonment without any reason give and i still wonder today how he could cut me off like this after 2,5 years. I have been working hard on myself to not play the victim role and to blame me for this and to forgive him. Looking back now I'm glad it's over and I don't need a person like that in my life, but it is probably something I will chew on for the rest of my life. It's been very hard but every day gets a little better. This video has helped me to get some clarity. Thank you kenny
Oh that's rough! Yeah you deserve much better! 💜
Same as you, except my ghost happened after 5+ years! It's still hard.
Damn I’m sorry to hear. And here I am being butthurt about being ghosted after a seemingly good first date with a girl I really liked
The truth is that most of us don't know how to tell the truth. We hide behind a mask that keeps us safe from emotional pain. Think "tears of a clown, when there's no one around".
He was pretending. He wasn't being honest. He didn't know how to tell you so he just disappeared.
There are worse ways to break up. I think the worst is when they start to be nasty to you until YOU break up with THEM. That is not nice at all and very painful. And cowardly. 🤮🤡🤪
@@A-RonHubbard He's just a coward. That's all. No balls. I bet you wouldn't take him back now. You might think you would, but the truth is you wouldn't be able to trust him again. To heal from a broken heart you have to cry, cry, cry. Cry until you have no more tears left to cry. When you are finished crying you won't feel broken any more and you care anymore. Only then can you move on. Try it and you will find I am correct. 🙋🫂💔
6 months after being ghosted by a long term friend I wrote and asked her if she could not have found a kinder way to end the relationship.
For example what could have said as a friend? I find it more difficult than in romantic relationships. What should I say to a friend, also when l don't want to hurt her, but don't want to continue the friendship?
Some people really do have different standards for friends. For example I’m very low maintenance and can sometimes go a year or more without talking to long distance friends. Neither of us have problems with it and just pickup where we left off, but we are also guys and I know women tend to be closer as friends. I have a suspicion some people see romantic relationships in the same way (for whatever reason) which is one reason for ghosting. Doesn’t make it right, because even to me I find it extremely disrespectful to be that distant in a romantic sense, but it is an explanation
why even bother? they are a piece of art. Fix your own judgement, stop blaming others.
@@alv4120 The truth. It's very important
@@clownworld4655 I think ghosting also depends on the level of intimacy establishment. If you're sleeping together, talking about your fears and past etc. it's only right to match the goodbye with the connection. Ghosting doesn't match that level of intimacy is therefore ethically wrong.
Im completely off dating sites its a confidence killer
Woa you just pulled my card with this video. The fantasy of commitment without the actual commitment.
I ghosted my therapist lol I am my own problem. I appreciate finding these videos
I’m crying watching this video. Thanks for your honesty because now I know that my denial has been wasting so much time and creating even more damage to my heart, my soul and my mind. I’m the One picking a ghoster. Regards from Switzerland
I wouldn't ghost you. You look fantastic.
You deserve better ❤
You have spoken the truth regarding the matter, and yes I agree. It’s about damn time we acknowledge these issues and their reasons and work on ourselves, so that we can be better holistically, and that the world will start treating each other with honesty instead of hiding behind walls, and causing people to question their worth. There are so many people out there who don’t speak up, and are suffering in silence, be it the ones being ghosted, or the one ghosting. Once again, heart touching, great and informative video 💯.
Viewer from Singapore 🇸🇬
Kenny Weiss, this is the BEST video I ever seen regarding "Ghosting". I totally agree with you about how the internet/texting has changed our society and how people think and communicate these days.
It's not the intimacy, it's the potential abandonment.
It does something to the person their ghosting deep down especially when the ghosting happens after a postponed intimacy …when u don’t let ur guard down until there’s a level of trust and comfort…and they’ve gotten u to that point…only to ghost u immediately afterwards…yeah…that does some serious damage to an already damaged person or psyche …most people aren’t smart enough to realize they’re causing more harm then not by doing that type of thing to someone they know has trauma issues ….
@@w8what575 They Aren't doing it for YOUR benefit that's for sure. Don;t blame yourself for one minute. You didn't deserve it. No one does. It's all in them. Pure inability to be honest. You dodged a bullet gf, Celebrate that ! 🥳🥳🥳
Oh wow
This opened my 👁👁's SO much
I feel like between the two, I may be a ghoster but I've definitely been on the receiving end of being ghosted & it's definitely not a good feeling at ALL when someone's basically making you feel like they're denying your existence & then when they want (or feel like they need) something that they can get from/out of you, they randomly just show up out of nowhere acting like they didn't ghost you for the past 2-3 days, weekend, month...etc etc
Very, very truly spoken. Our society became impoverished in having actual eye to eye connections.
Thank you very much!
Absolutely!
This applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones. Yes, you are so right about our damaging childhoods although some are better than others. You are right that most of the time we are the problem because it takes two to tango.
On another note, there are times you have to step back from people with whom you have gotten involved. The difficulty is to know when it a healthy act or not.
Thanks for this great video.
Thank you for explaining this. I have met someone like this. He came after me. Relationship wise. After the fifth ghosting And research I have just learned to except it. At the time I was going through stuff too so I really needed my space too. He’s like a 7 year old child coming around for comfort, and as soon as he knows your still fine with him he’s gone”. It’s like he need you only when he” needs you……thank god I never stepped over the line, because of the red flags. we are just friends 😊8 years and counting
Ghosting is closure 😌
When there's nothing left to say or
when things are better left unsaid.
Cowards way out
@@maeveduff8932 They know why you left; there's nothing to explain.
Unless they're a moron, they know why you left.
Let's say you give an extension explanation, and they want you to stay or talk some more; are you going to continue to explain yourself?
When does it end, when THEY say they're content with your explaination for leaving or when you are satisfied with explaining yourself?
Using your criteria for cowardice, if you decide to leave and they don't accept your reasoning, you are a coward.
It's not a matter of cowardice for leaving without explanation; it's a matter of no longer dignifying their abhorrent behavior with an undeserved answer.
I was a Ghoster for 20 years, not knowing how much I hurt men.
I was broken, unable to love ❤️ from fear of getting hurt.
I was the one with the problem, NOT the men I was dating.
It was never my intention to make men suffer, I was a sick individual in therapy.
I stop taking calls the moment a man said or did something I dislike.
I learned about the word ghost last year.
I had a horrible childhood. My detachment was unprecedented.
I didn't take pride that my ghosting could cost anyone harm. That's why I live by myself with a dog.
Thank you Sr.
I learned something new.
Respect to you for getting help. Thanks for being honest! You got this.
Respect for your bravery. 👍
I can relate. Thank you for the share
Thank you for sharing and a willingness to change 🙏
The question is, did you really not know the pain you were causing?
I’m a ghoster. I’ve recently been diagnosed as having autism (Asperger’s) what your said Kenny is absolutely spot on. I’m a 50 year old female. I’ve dated a few people in my life and I usually walk away, I don’t want attachment and other than being blunt and saying it’s over I’m gone. I am aware I do not want confrontation. I don’t always know what to say either. I had a very detached childhood and I’ve been used in relationships for money at the time I had no idea i had Asperger’s.
I have to say that I’ve found a lot of people break up they automatically look at the other person and blame them. We rarely look at ourselves. I did and found out about my condition. We have to remember there’s two people in every relationship. Two minds with different ways of thinking. It’s an interesting subject.?
I'm autistic also but get very attached. Something I do though at times when a person appears I'm not interested in I don't know how to tell them. Because I either say nothing or I have no filter. Theres no middle ground.
I too am autistic however everyone seems to blame everything on being autistic. Same thing for ADHD, I have this for years. I get tired of everything people do wrong and blaming it on ADHD. I find this to be a cop out. If you are a ghoster, try and find a way not to do it. Have some growth mindset that you can do it (stop being a ghoster) instead of having a fixed mindset. It takes work but one can do it.
@@debral9651 Hi Deb. In order to break up with someone in a kind and respectful manner you DO have to talk to them face to face. Think about how YOU would want to be told. Tell them that you like them but your feelings aren't strong enough to commit to a relationship with them. You had thought they might be but now you realize that they aren't. Tell them you don't want to waste their time, and you can't see them anymore so you can both move on. .
That is kind and honest. Have some reason to leave immediately so they can have time to process this information. They will have to grieve the loss and cry like any other loss. If you can, call the next day to show that you have respect for them. You should expect some tears but if they become angry or abusive you should remove yourself. Don't give them renewed hope and just repeat what you said before.
You can google lots of ways to break up gently. 💔
Do you feel proud of destroying people’s emotional life like it doesn’t mean anything? Should we give you an award or what?
Its good to k ow what is going on with us but your articulated everything so well and having read plenty on the mind brain connection, you have full control and are 100 % responsible to work through your childhood traumas so you can improve and not ghost others anymore. Labels are the lazy persons excuses to not dig deep and feel their pain and learn to develop healthy behaviour. You sound like one of those perfectly capable people. We can't go hurting people because we feel uncomfortable with out pain and dealing with our issues. I encourage you to now start the work within, now that the Dr gave you a label. It's even easier now for you, it's official, you understand exactly what to work on and where to start. I am tired of society making excuses that we simply need to get a label, perhaps pop some pills and walk through life passing along our damaged goods. You are 100% responsible and capable so don't be lazy. I have gone through so much and had tons of childhood trauma but I always did the work and we must be gracious to our journey and pain we have had, yet we must be real and go to work. I had to be strict with myself and not feel sorry nor be defensive. When we are honest with ourselves, we can work through everything.
When I have been ghosted, even in real life, I am thankful. Let’s me see before I am in deep. I have been doing a lot of forgiveness work. Not perfect, but ready to look forward in my life instead of backwards. With the men I do meet, amazing how much pain they are projecting towards women in general. I am in shock and awe that they will attempt to gaslight me in the very first conversation we have. Waiting for a guy who I can have an authentic conversation with. Right now, a lot of “my way or the highway” conversations happening. I used to feel the need to help them. Not so much anymore.
Sometimes I am not sure when it's ghosting or just people are busy or whether I have crossed some personal or professional line. So I try not to assume it's ghosting until I've exhausted all other logical reasons...
Not your issue, theshould tellyou. Keep your boundaries, ghosters have numeracy and also keep boundaries! Keep safe!
Let's say we are friends and you said or did something, which crossed my boundaries. I would tell you about it, because I would like to discuss it, be honest about my feelings, my expectations and I would hope for reconciliation. And i would also hope to be treated in the same way by you, if I did something hurtful.
Busy.... no one is THAT busy. There was time in my life, when I was super busy, and still made time for my friends, because meeting them was something super pleasant to me. Like a reward for a hard work. They were NOT treated as an unpleasant chore. I remember I was sick like a dog, having a terrible flue, and I still wanted to chat with my bestie of this time via video call. Because seeing my friend was my medicine, and cheered me up.
On the other hand, I have been just ghosted by a friend of mine, whom I saved life 3 times. Not metaphorically. She ghosted me, because now her problems are solved, she has a new job and a new (rich) boyfriend. I don't match her new very busy schedule and a new posh life... . I believe she thinks that if she needs me, I will be there, waiting for her phone call or a text message. Nope.
Take it from me, and I have a HUGE life experience with people of different kinds. People who truly value you won't risk losing you. There is no such thing as "too busy". If a person respect you, then they may call you and say: "Listen girl, I am having an apocalypse here now. I have to deal with it right now. I will call you back in two weeks, and they we will chat". And they DO call back in two weeks.
If they don't try to reschedule the call, don't answer the text for a long time ( a week or more) , give you a promise but don't deliver, then you can safely believe you are not valued enough to have your needs or feelings considered.
I have NEVER EVER had a situation, when someone who truly respect me ghosted me "for valid reason". You will never exhaust all logical reasons. You need only one : where there's a will, there's a way.
alot of ghosting is just people not reciprocating interest … there are lot people that need validation and attention but don’t give none in return… chasing without equal interest is exhausting
I agree with this but I also think there's another situation that happens when people ghost, like I've started to. I've learned that you can't change people and talking to some of them is a waste of time and energy. I would say that they are the narcissists in my situation, and God is pruning them out of my life. I'm much more at peace and confident in myself since doing this. I pray for them and leave them in God's hands where they belong. I do love and care about them but I was the only one in the relationship doing that. We are responsible for ourselves, and others are responsible for themselves. I only have room in my life for people who add to it, even if it's just being grateful for my giving. God bless you all.
Yes but when you ghost you don’t go back. A narcissist comes back when they need you.
What you describe is not ghosting, but No Contact. No Contact is a reaction to abuse. If a narcissist stops talking to you,then it's ghosting. Intention is crucial here.
I love your light switch analogy. Once I figured out how I was accepting this behavior I realized I never had a clear idea of what my real needs were in friendship either. I wrote down what I needed and realized I wasn’t even sure what my friends needed. I never ghosted but had a few ghosters. As my need for emotional intimacy changed so did my relationship needs. I had a wonderful therapist help me through this.
Kenny in my opinion I have come to believe that on online most people are emotionaly immature and pshycologicaly disturbed and when a normal person goes online they start getting affected by these disturbed unstable people-the internet is just a playroom a hook up place of emotionaly unstable disturbed people that pretend and live in a delusional world-its role playing and they can be anything they want.
There's also a difference between someone who abruptly ghosts you without any indication the relationship was in trouble and someone who suddenly ends communication after a squabble with you over something.
My older brother was the former with me
My ghosting 👻 👻 tactics did come from fear based abandonment issues from my dad not being in the home as a child. This internet dating is full of narcissistic connections and knowing the lack of emotional interest from most men (looking more for physical hookups) I got so turned off an kicked them off my universe before feeling rejected 🙅🏽♀️ an disappointed ☹️. I know now not to give my number out so fast an vet the person before deciding to level up to a stronger connection. Internet dating is definitely not for me!
I'm pulled towards ghosters, but by the same reason. Fear of rejection makes me fear vulnerability and intimacy. I love connection.
@@ann-louisegustavsson5008 I love connecting too but todays dating market is so full of self-centered men who want the goods instead of a real connection!!
It's truly brutal.
You’re not lying. The dating pool kind of sucks for men & women now
I’m lucky to meet people organically just by being social out and about. Ghosting happens and lots of unintelligent people emotionally out here
That's my new way of acting. No more deep investment in the "internet friends". I have some acquaintances online, and that's fine, but our interactions are quite superficial. What I've noticed that most of my online friends (female friends) used to treat me as an unpaid therapist or a shoulder to cry on. I was their personal ER and crisis management centre. they weren't interested in talking about hobbies, neutral topics, anything else but the drama. Their drama.
Many people are unaware that there is such a thing as ghosting, - thus they consider those of us who have been ghosted over and over for - as “crazy”.
These are exactly what the person who ghosted me ever said!!
I don’t want to tie up to my phone, I was busy, blah blah blah.
Hard to open up, hard to share, hard to communicate.
Thank you for this video!
thats the first thing these ghosters say when confronted followed by "don't make me feel guilty". I mean ghosting is the most heartless thing anyone can do. I mean its worse than even an assassination.
"My picker's broken" 🤣🤣🤣 Yep, This is sooo true...They can only play, if we play too.
Well, I'm planning on " ghosting " my old self. I liken my life to a snow globe, I'm gonna shake it up, then decide where and how much I allow the " snow " in certain areas. No more letting it fall wherever. Been working on Self Discipline, and want some BIG changes. Good Luck to all this year as we self IMPROVE.
This is the best explanation about gosters. By the way, your outfit is very stylish and looks really good on you.
Glad you think so!
This is probably one of the saddest thing I’ve ever heard… I would also like Kenny to be my professional
Your outfits are always so stylish
Thank you for your clear and not judging explanation. Coming from a childhood you explained. I struggle a lot with my fear of confrontation. I really don't want to hurt no body with my acting, I just can't help if somebody comes angry against me to stand my ground so I disconect from the situation by stop communicating Im in therapy, it's a long way out of it.
That is me, and I hate it, I have massive sections of my life missing to dissociation and I watch friends slip away and all I can say is I'm still here if you need me.
Someone who ghosts you is showing you lack of commitment towards you because of lack of commitment to urself ie being a people pleaser but not caring towards yourself...
Can a ghoster be family member? For instance, an adult child who ghosts their mother, brothers and other family members?
Great question. Yes they can
Yes. Ghost away.💀
I don't call it ghosting; I call it no contact from abusers.
Haha, this is perfect. Being open is your best virtue. Excellent explanation of why it's important to be aware and validate silence.
That's why we must unconditionally love! We don't know why others are the way they are. It's not our business. It's our business to be the best us we can be and understand that not all are like us.
You are amazing. Thank you for this presentation. I am guilty of these traits. I am a work in progress. But it begins with self awareness and accountability. I am a deeply traumatized person. But I am making efforts to change these awful behaviors.
Kudos Eve. At least you are self reflecting and seeing the seriousness of your actions. Blessings
I love this Kenny! I figured out all this about me too. it's been quite the realization and profound moment of transformation, self forgiveness and deeper understanding and love not just for myself as well as my union with everything. Thank you, you are so Fabulous!!!! XOXO
I was ghosted a few times by mind so called friend. I’m happier now because I’m not so hurt anymore. It took counselling to help me let go of the self blame🤗🤗
If someone is abusive and you want to sever contact,blocking someone can be very necessary!
Exactly. What’s the difference. No contact because someone has been abusive or ghosting?
Depends….does that person make u feel like a better person or do they make u constantly wonder? Ghosting is also a tactic that abusive people use to hook their claws into vulnerable people inexperienced with their type of abuse…I was very naive when I went out into the world…I had no idea that my ex husband was abusing me emotionally by cheating on me and then blaming me for him cheating because I was not living up to his expectations…I spent half my adult life trying to fix myself to make him happy…after 14 years of his bs..I finally had enough when I found myself on a bridge getting ready to jump because I didn’t do his laundry right and woke up to him screaming and spitting in my face that if I ever touch his laundry again he was going to beat the ever living hell out of me and put me in the hospital! I had done his laundry the entire time exactly the same then one day that happened. He was doing this kind of mind screwing in front of our sons…my oldest son being old enough to have learned that’s how he could treat his mother…my oldest son physically attacked me on a few occasions over having to help carry in groceries or do his homework when he was a teenager and then I found out that he was telling his school that I was violently abusing him and he was terrified to go home in hopes they would pull him from my custody and let him live with his dad…who wanted nothing to do with him…he went as far as trying to have me arrested for things I’m not even physically able to do..my son is 6’ tall 300 lb football player…im 5’ tall and petite….they were the reason I left my ex…because he was starting to abuse them and I couldn’t protect them from him any longer …I made the mistake of trying to hide the fact their dad didn’t want to have visitations anymore…he would cancel for the visit and go spend the weekend partying with his new wife..or one of his other girlfriends instead…I tried to protect my son but it backfired…I should have let him experience the abandonment he was receiving …even if it broke my heart..I still struggle with that deep seeded belief that no man would want a woman like me…that I am the reason why my ex had to cheat and financially neglect us and steal from us and leave us with no food etc…nothing hurts worse then a toddler crying and hanging on u because he’s hungry and there’s nothing u can do about it because their father decided he needed another motorcycle helmet and spent every last penny on it instead of food…when he was specifically told it’s al we have left for food…and I had two more weeks before my next paycheck and not even a cracker to feed my sons…I lost 16 lbs in two weeks and had no vehicle while he had 7 car payments and lived a life of Riley at my expense..when I kicked him out, I was on the verge of losing everything…I had to barrow money from my parents to turn the electricity back on and buy diapers for my youngest son and my co workers brought me a bunch of commodities food that kept us fed …I was very blessed to have met the people who helped us through those hard times…there were very few of them that he hadn’t gotten to…most people were giving false testimony and making themselves look like fools in the end when it was proven they were lying for him to punish me…I was turned into cps over 24 times when my ex husbands attorney finally sent the state a letter threatening a law suit because my ex thought I was turning him in because he was too stupid to realize that every time he turned me in, they had to investigate both parents lol…so he thought they were questioning him because I turned him in..,lol..what a moron! So he did me a favor by having his attorney write that letter lol…he eventually got to my boss through a friend of his that also worked where I did and got me fired…he’s had me fired many times and had intentionally made life difficult for us…these types are monsters and the only way to get away is to block and ghost..
😢I’m so sorry for all the anguish you’ve been put through.
Thank you for your posts. I had learnt a lot, unfortunately only when I was really sick from this abuse.... extreme empathy is a fear based abuse. Yes.
Kenny great info! I'm one of the odd ones out (not a picker).... I have one sister in the Grandiose Narc Range and another in the Vulnerable Narc Range. Many of the online videos focus on "picking" a partner within these ranges.. Mine is unique because the first range was unavoidable with 2 State Bosses, luckily that was solved with time. The Sisters are unavoidable because of being relatives (also not picked) and now adults and difficulty with dealing with an elderly parent. Actually the two bosses helped me understand and navigate the grandiose narc sister... So negative experiences can be beneficial! This video helped me understand the sister who is the multiple ghoster who has flipped on and off throughout the years! The interesting thing is that she can never share in others successes but is always jealous and can't hear about them. Also unfortunately.... her children now are ghosting her! I feel sorry for her because she lives such a lonely and bitter life.
Thanks, Kenny! This is the best explanation of ghosting (abusive,avoidant behavior) behavior that I have heard. I liked the light switch and dangling carrot metaphors. The “broken picker” comment was funny but eye opening! I have watched this video several times, and it teaches us sooooo much more than a lesson about ghosting!
This is so bang on
I'm seriously living this. Holy smokes... I for some reason am attracted to unavailable men. Why. So frustrating. I really do want deep connection and love. This is on me. Where do people meet ppl . I can't do online dating...I just don't feel connection. I need to get out there and maybe get hobby and meet ppl. This was eye opening.
If you had unavailable parents, mostly father, then you simply have a blind spot. I had that one. I couldn't predict things, because toxic behaviours were perceived by me as normal. Because they were "normal" in my home. felt you had to "win" Daddy's feelings, if you were constantly triangulated with something or someone, then you believe that chasing unavailable people is a natural thing to do and that all people play cat and mouse in their relationships.
My newest discovery - go to a local cafe. Chat with a bartender/barista/waitress. Such people know a lot of people. If this person will get familiar with you, if you talk about nice things, about life , about your hobbies, they will introduce you to other customers, who like similar things. That's what I chose to do after being constantly disappointed by online "friends". And it works.
I think it’s a bless to maintain the continuity of life without having to deal with the ambiguity that comes by acknowledging completely ceasing someone or something’s presence. Keep it rolling 😊
Damn this was very interesting.
Afraid/unable to feel intimacy.
Reject/block those who call/come onto me.
I know that I have a type of avoidant personality/behavior.
I can ghost people that cross my boundaries.
Sure those are not always clear but we all want decency.
When i ghost, I do so permanently, no looking back.
You are also right about the society of what we watch/experience through our screens.
That becomes an out, avoidant/escape.
We crave that connection.
No wonder men watch pron and women useless romantic/dating.
Interesting, astute thank you. I'm old, glad to be. I also am tech challenged, no social media. When i was a young dysfunctional, ghosting happened but we did not have this terminology. I'm loaded with attachment issues, but being a goody goody i felt an obligation to be honest delivering rejection, saying no. The huge pleasant surprise was that people are complimented by candor spoken respectfully. And they appreciated
Thank you for answering a question I hadn't asked. You've filled the gap. Best wishes.
Glad to help!
"My pickers broken"
The light switch example was great.
I know I’m the problem…I used to let people walk all over me…I’ve been the scapegoat my whole life…being blamed for everything under the sun…I’ve been single for 15 years now after a bad marriage that caused cptsd that I’ve recently realized I have…the few people I’ve met over this time were absolutely horrible and abusive and even worse…the last time left me bruised and beaten…he went to prison for what he did…he did what he did because I refused to be walked on any longer…,I’m guilty of ghosting…and have had to look deep inside myself why I do this…I am terrified of being hurt and used and neglected etc…this stems a lot from childhood trauma I am struggling with…I don’t remember a lot of it…until someone starts talking about it and then it comes flooding back in like a hammer slamming down…no one understands why I become reclusive during these times…but the trauma was severe and cruel and inflicted from the people who were supposed to keep me safe as a small child…being the scapegoat had made me very easy to accept the responsibility for my mistakes…I have no problem saying I screwed up and I apologize how can I fix this for u…but when I’m having to take on the responsibility of other peoples choices and mistakes…like being blamed for my brother shooting up drugs by my mother and her telling people it’s my fault he’s a junkie when I am dead set against it!? How do I work through that? I live in a small town and am surrounded by people who have been given this interpretation of me that’s so far from who I am, and having to be treated as though I’m insane when I have never been the type to react violently or irrationally…all I can do to work through this is to stand up straight with my head up and continue through ignoring that person they made me out to be and show my true self…if others can’t see me for who I am through my actions and my own words, then they’re not worth my time. The people who were supposed to be friends, were only friends when I served a purpose to them yet when I struggle with even physical things like moving, no one is anywhere to be found. This is when I realized, I have so much to do on a daily basis because it’s just me and my sons, things like cleaning my home, fixing my vehicle, taking my son to school and dealing with the school events etc…I have to do that on my own and when a friend or family memeber expects me to drop that priority from my life so that I can dea with their problems, that they won’t even help with for themselves, then that’s one sided…anything heathy involves balance, boundaries, and reciprocation from both parties…not just me. I am blown away at how many people will go out of their way to blame me for an irrelevant problem they have simply to have a reason to point a finger and place blame on me instead of taking responsibility for their own issues they caused for themselves. A “buddy” showed up a few months back at 11 pm on a cold night…,hurried me out to the drive where his truck was parked…his truck was making an awful noise…I work on my own vehicle and have worked on others vehicles to give them a break from the over priced mechanics shops…I taught myself how to work on vehicles etc because I was ripped off so bad by Midas in Kearney Nebraska and was without a vehicle in a rural setting…it’s not like I can walk downtown when u live 25 miles from the store lol…I had no choice but to learn…this buddy has no clue with vehicles …most guys are clueless on even maintaining their vehicles… well…he started his truck and I immediately knew he had a pulley going out…I told him I have a bad pulley being it’s a ford it’s either the tensioner pulley or ur power steering pump…a very common problem with ford pickups…I got some pb blaster and sprayed down the pulley and got it quiet again…checked the serpentine belt which felt like it was fairly new ch card it all over to make sure it wasn’t gonna freeze up and break the belt..told him to go get some wd40 or pb blaster to get through the weekend but he needed to replace it asap…he was happy and went on his way…I didn’t hear anything out of him for two months…I had texted and asked if he got it fixed or needed help with it…and nothing..ok? Idk? Turns out..,he’s livid pissed to the point he’s sent a group of other females after me and tried having me jumped! He’s blaming me for the belt breaking and being without a vehicle when he just continued driving it even after I told him he needed to get it replaced asap that he would be without wheels if that belt breaks…the alternator won’t charge the battery and the water pump won’t be pumping coolant etc if the belt isn’t on the vehicle! Every man should know the importance of the serpentine belt on a vehicle! Now I’m being chased down and harassed by all his buddies and people after me violently threatening me! Like I caused it to happen! It’s a 2008 ford pickup with 225,000 miles on it and all original! Wtf does he expect!? Well, they have tried intimidating me while I’m driving down the road..and I simply laugh at them and tap on my dash cam to show them I’m always recording and I’m not afraid to stand face to face with them! Beat me up! I do not care! But I will fight until there’s no fight left in me! If I go down I will do so swinging because I am not in the wrong! I will stand nose to nose with him and fist fight the sob just like a man would! Put me in the hospital! Idc! He is in the wrong and I find it pathetic he’s so stupid to not be able to accept he did not listen to my advice and he caused the break down not me! Blaming me does what good!? All he did was lose a friend who was willing to look at his vehicle and tell him exactly what was wrong and offered to help him fix it as well! And I deserve this? Because he is too simple minded to realize it would have cost him $400 for the same diagnostics at a shop I did for free in the cold at 11 pm when I was already in bed! This is why I’m reclusive! This is why I ghost people….I texted him when I found out what he was doing…and told him I’m no longer available to blame for his stupidity and not to ever contact me again..for any reason! And blocked him! Everything he’s needs help, he knows he could ask me cuz I was the only person who kept my word and helped him…if he needed money, I set him up with work that paid right away…his other friends stole everything he had while he sat a month in jail for some stupid traffic issue he ignored and it caught up with him…I gave him a bunch of clothes and shoes my son out grew…my sons are the size of football players so..lol….and I’m a 5’ tall petite 40 something single mom…and this man is going that far to punish me for his own damned negligence. I’ve cut everyone out of my life now and am reorganizing my priorities and cleaning up my life to prepare for the life I deserve….that my sons deserve…no more running around for others when I have my own place to manage and organize and fix…no one helps me with my tasks or struggles..so no more to anyone who is unable to reciprocate the same boundaries and respect I give others…I have looked inward and worked on me for years and years…if I seem harsh in my thoughts expressed here then that’s just how it is…if someone throws off any red flags…I will be kind enough to ar least send that text stating the problem I’m seeing and my apology for ending it, but then I’m blocking it out..,I haven’t the time nor energy to deal with trivial pathetic bs like this buddy has placed blame on me for…talk about irrational illogical behavior from a grown man! No more! I come first and I demand the respect same as anyone else…
Kenny u are legend. As u say we are all perfectly imperfect but gees u sure put yr heart and soul into improving yr self and us lucky folk who have come across yr Chanel are also reaping such life changing rewards. Bless you for sharing and caring.
It's power and control.......and abuse yes. Just like without the internet.
So much true about toxic internet dating how many ppl give up wounded due to dysfunctional fake techno communication that leads most of the time nowhere it's fertile land for scammers were lots of men and women loosing their savings it's insane !
Ghosting: when things are better left unsaid or
when there’s nothing left to say.
or you are not playing the game the way they want it
Ghosting is an escape from taking responsibility. A mature attitude would be to end the conversation with a polite phrase like "I don't want to continue this conversation any longer. Take care." Politeness is respect for others and for oneself.
It only takes a minute literlally to tell them how you feel ghosting is just a new way people who dont know how to communciate like a real adult do they jist ghost you like a teeneager
Ghosting: weak ass shit
More dangerous than the ghosters are the people who light-weight ghost. They stay in your life, pop back in and pop back out as though you're a special restaurant of theirs. Those people cause more damage than the one who makes it clear how they feel through a ghost.
It's what narcissist do, they only care about themselves.
Indeed, it had been a torment never knowing when they will strike. I have lost my sense of security, and live in the constant shadow of the ghoster. He is well aware of my fear of him and impact it had on me for decades.
I've been ghosted a few times. I just don't understand why agree to meet someone at a specific time and place and then just ghost.
Why play that game? They always respond to calls and texts up until right before the meet,then they stop responding. What kind of twisted pleasure do they get by playing with people?
Karma is real,so when they get toyed with,I won't care for a second when they cry and complain.
Great question!
Thank you for this information I didn't even know why he use to ghost me so much . I eventually dumped him so he can ghost 👻 himself that was the only way out for me.. ✅
I totally respect everything said here because it is true; however at times, when it's a case of someone who has a personality disorder or codependency, boundaries set up by another person is often seen as ghosting to them. Even if guidelines were discussed before boundaries were set and when limits are pushed by the individual with codependent or BPD, NPD behaviors and boundaries are set in motion WITH communication.....it will still be viewed as offensive and as ghosting.
I've been in both situations a bad ghoster in my younger years (like teens and early 20s) and a boundary setter ( communicating limits and expectations and adhering to said limits and expectations ) we owe no one anything.
This is the best thing of heard In a long time. Thank you for articulating it so very well. Resonates unbelievably. 🙏🙏
You are so welcome
My childhood was a mess. Mom was dumped into an orphanage while her parents were alive. My dad was th number 8 child. He was brought up extremely poor in the reconstruction era. His mom was probably a dead mother. I'm sure a black woman in the late 1800's had her share of trauma. So her comes me into all of this toxic mix. So I'm off to read your book and watch other videos.
Are you saying your grandmother was alive in the late 1800s?
How OLD are you? Having a hard time believing your comment is legit.
It sounds like your parents had a strong potential to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is crazy making and traumatic for their children. I'm sorry that you are joining our club. 💔🫂🙋
@@leanne123 Thank you.☺
You must be extraordinarily OLD if your father grew up during the reconstruction period! That was 150 years ago!
@@Miniver765 You are RIGHT. He grew up in a worse era - JIM CROW - IN Ottumwa, Iowa. I was mistaken. My dad was born in 1910, the 8th child of a very poor family.
I love your blues--background decor, and your jacket. I guess that is calming. Anyway it is delightful to gaze at.
...I've done the same thing, some time ago...withdrew completely from the dating sights....great video👍👌
Thank you that’s very kind of you to say😁
How do we meet people when everyone are in their homes watching sports, going to church, or going to bars?
Eye opener. Absolute truth. Thank you so much!
Thanks for listening!
I really love how you explained it and how precisely you were!! I recently deal with someone like that something I never experienced in my life but everything you said was very accurate it was a turmoil like a roller coaster for me but dump him after I realized what was happening
Dating online is in complete opposition of what was taught to me as a child. Talking and trusting complete strangers. Went on my last online date 2 years ago. Upon initial meeting, he asked for a hug. I said no. I dont hug strangers. He called me cold and let me know that in my online profile i looked so warm. Yeah, i am. Just not with strangers. At the end of the date, he again asked for a hug. No the second time. This is when i got in my car and blocked deleted. Sometimes, ghosting can just prevent a situation that suits the circumstance. He was creepy and wanted to see * hug if my breasts were real.
It's like being 14 all over again.
Some people never left the school yard.
@@holdenbreau7187 Well, you usually don't know till you meet the person.
Good grief
A lot of men are expecting sex the first date. Things like this make me wishing courting would come back lol! Let’s get to know each other and see if we are compatible.
How do you know if he wanted to test your breast? Did he say that?
I think people are entitled to ask for whatever. We dont need to judge them for it, but just say no if we dont want to.
It feels good to realise I'm not a victim. That I picked this, I'm a ghoster too and I've ghosted them back a few times before they eventually cut me off. I'm too scared of love to work on healing this, I think I'll just sit in the pain
Brilliant, funny presentation, what you described is absolutely true.
Thank you
HAHAHAHA, Kenny I am crackinggg listening to this! I have been ghosted alottt and now I understand why! Its so true!! I cant believe that the guy I alow to hurt me the most name is Kenny, and the one who is opening my eyes name is Kenny. Alottt of lo e to you!!
I hate texting. I want to talk on the phone or at least a video chat. So now I am a lol derelict?
When I ghost, it’s because I don’t want them anymore, I want something else, or something different, or something more than what they are. Why did I do that? Because probably to much of a coward to see the look on their face, the sadness…..can’t handle seeing them in pain, because of the loss of me I suppose. What emotional disturbance is that exactly? Also I was ghosted once. It RIPPED me completely apart. I wrote an entire inside of my brain, as to the reasons why they did this to me. The novel’s title was, “every single thing that’s wrong with Nichelle”, at the end of the contemplation, degradation, self sabotage, self loathing, I realized, I’m just not perfect for anyone. Mostly no one is. Because, just like everything else, we do, we consume, we upgrade. So there’s always a chance for one to be discarded, as the one you love may realize that there is someone better for them, not necessarily better THAN you, just better FOR them. And like you said we all had “issues” in childhood. 70% of us are never ever getting therapy. So, welcome to the world. I hate ghosting and haven’t ghosted since I was ghosted, I hope to never do that again. But I’m an emotionally disturbed human, and so probably I might do emotionally disturbed things repeatedly, until the grim reaper decides it’s time for him to come have the “tea date” , that he promised me the moment I was born.
I love you, I love your work. I hope you can heal some of us, thank you for being you, you’re a magnificent creature. Im a wretched one. And I need you.🐺⚰️⏳🌚🔪🕯💀🖤🦇
Yes we are all perfectly imperfect and thank you for the kind words and your honesty and vulnerability!👏👌😁
THiS.
Don't be a ghoster just tell them the truth. You didn't like how it felt to you.
You need to grow up, stop using your "wounds" as an excuse to treat people like trash, and grow an empathy bone.
You really have problems
text can also move into the direction of meeting! just calling would also not help, you have to meet!!
I ghosted friends after coming out of an abusive r’ship… I couldn’t cope with conflict / gaslighting and was very ill… I couldn’t cope with them talking about me behind my back and couldn’t face them 😢
I have experienced both ghosting and being ghosted and I am also quite good at grey rocking, observe don't absorb and straight up black out no contact.
But I also have good connections with people who I have built trust and respect with and so I am somewhere in the middle. Like there are people who are lower functioning than me who I cause to feel overwhelm and I experience a ton of projection fromr many different people.
And there are people who are higher functioning than me that I feel are aspirational and good to model...
And there is a third group of people who are not complimentary but materially successful but devoid of the character values and virtues I would want to reflect in my own life that I experience the opposite of aspirational feelings towards. Idk what the word would be for the third category of people.
I have explored the idea of imposter syndrome concerning the third group and I think it must be more about how I don't feel comfortable because I don't want to emulate them. I am probably going to have to think more about it before I can fully explain what I am saying.
It has to do with discernment. Because this third category of people are the ones I have dealt with most recently and although they expressed similar if not identical ideas to what was said here, I got the sense they were wielding these ideas as weapons in order to gain control and dominance.
Similar to what you were saying about being predatory and not being aware of it. I would not say they were wrong, just the motivations and covert contracts built into the dynamics was the issue.
Black out no contact on the third category. Not sorry.
With what is being said here its a totally different ball game.
These people in category three are definitely on that same vibe you are talking about in so far as they demand the ultimate level of intimacy while practicing a matching level of dissociative non committal non action.
I did not consent to covert contracts. I did not consent to performative "growth" in order to generate clicks views and ad revenue. There are definitely people in the self development/personal growth/relationship coaching world who are faking the funk. They would rather fake it than make it. That is not my bag man. Waste of time.
Good stuff! I appreciate your channel you are bringing so much clarity to individuals ,like myself who desparately need it!Keep up the great work Kenny! It sure is making a big difference !
Thank you! I am really happy to hear you enjoy what I teach and you feel it is helping you
Never emotionally attach to people right Away. My ghoster stood me up and ghosted me...😢
Do ghosters sometimes ghost because they're afraid to have feelings for that person but won't admit it, or is it a lack of interest? What does it mean if they come back after ghosting?
Could be any of those things. It's not up to us to figure it out. It's only up to us to read their actions and take care of ourselves.
I feel like what most people call a narcissist or a ghoster is just a person who may be attracted to you but has a hard time accepting you because for some reason they don’t feel like you fit into their social group. I.e maybe you are over weight or you are black and they are white, or you are too short or not as conventionally attractive as they would want you to be in regards to other’s pre fences for them. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes societies influence on the beholder can keep them from following their heart.
@@carloshasabighead They have eyes! They engage with who they are attracted to. Most ghosters are just wanting sex.
Thank u so so much for sharing your information. I did what u did.. left all dating sites for ever!! They did my head in not to mention broke my heart lol. I no am aware of the signs of a ghoster thank god. Thank u for helping people. Luv and light🙏🏼🦋
You’re welcome 😁
I have to disagree with you here. The reason there is a term ghosting is because it is rampant. I challenge anyone who is actively looking for a relationship online not to find a few. This isn’t the same arena as 15-20 years ago. I do agree ghost’s are either severely damaged people or players. That’s no reflection on me. I’ve learned to go with the flow, and not overly invest until the person I am dating is consistently showing up and holding his equal weight.
You’re right. We have to admit we have a role. You have helped me get power back. Thx.
Excellent!
Wow… I like that!
What a beautiful and insightful way of explaining a very complex topic.
I really liked this video that confirmed a lot.
Thank you so much!