10 Ways To Spot & Deal With A NARCISSIST | Dr. Ramani Durvasula & Lewis Howes
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- Опубліковано 10 кві 2023
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I am just learning that I married a narcissist and I am so grateful to know why I was feeling so sad all the time. I gave him everything and it still wasn’t enough for him to love me. I’ve decided to love me again, and I’m ready to leave for good.
Wishing u blessings
That is because they are incapable of loving anyone, they use the words but they can't feel the feelings.
If you are a kind, good person and a giver, watch out. You are who narcissists are attracted to because they are takers and can use you in a million ways for their gratification.
FACTS 👌
And they pretend to be an empathic, kind, generous person but its a facade! Its really hard for the genuine empath to recognize, because we think their intent is like our own.. but not so, and that makes us vulnerable! ***Sigh***
Exactly!!!!
Just learned the hard way yesterday lol
Yes, and it doesn't have to be a love interest either. Narcissists are at epidemic proportion. I swear
I found out real quick that if you listen closely and actually pay attention, whatever they tell you is wrong with you, is actually them telling on themselves! That will be your superpower to get away!
YES! This person used every term on me that’s used to describe narcissists! I was completely lost especially when he went into a complete rage after I fought back. It took some time but I began to put the pieces of the puzzle together and figured out what he was doing.
It's actually true. Whatever the narc accuses you of, is what they're doing. Projecting..... but showing all their cards at the same time
Yes!
Yeah, they are the masters of projection.
Yes!
The world needs this woman. So informative!
I’ve never agreed more with a statement than I do this one! ❤ the way she validated my life experiences has been a life saver! If I ever got to stand in a room with her I would give her the biggest, tightest hug. I went through every stage of grief over and over, in and out when realizing that the love of my life is a narcissist. Now I’m at acceptance (mostly) and I feel the safest I have ever been in my life. I have boundless gratitude for her and her teachings.
Just wanted to say that I am one of those "unicorns" of the universe. You melted my heart, when I heard that it is a word used to describe an empath, who is kind, loving and caring, who takes care of you if you are a friend, and sooooo much more if I like someone. The person who makes sure everything is good for you aswell as for me. But the news to me was that people find us so rare as unicorns. You made my day so much better. Thank you for that❤
✍ The DEEP technique:
🚫 Don't Defend
🚫 Don't Engage
🚫 Don't Explain
🚫 Don't Personalize
I love that. It's easy to remember and simple to practice.
😊❤
Gonna remember! Checks all the boxes!
I would add and DON'T RUMINATE about their pathology or harass yourself trying to figure out the delusion behind their pathology.
Thank you so much! These are really great
👍🏻😃🤓❤️
The hardest being "dont't personalize"
🔥Narcissism is the opposite of authenticity🔥
pure genius…
How exhausting to live with a narcissistic oerson.Whatever uou do, they are not happy, they do not trust you, believe you, and love does not make them happy.They are stuck in their inner world.Their love is only superficial.
Ya
Ike porn.
7 years in a narcissistic marriage, all previous relationships with narcissists and many family members narcissists! I'm on a healing journey and now a Narcissist Abuse Specialist and Somatic Trauma Coach! I'm learning to turn my pain into my power!
Are you still married?
I commend you! I'm trying to figure out who and where to go searching for a TRUSTING support system now, its been several yrs of situations. After I lost my husband (he died right next to me in bed I woke thinking he was sleep), never healed a few yrs later was pursued by a person I grew up with and had no idea how much they changed since. By the time I realized how bad it was I was already closed off to all my friends and family bc of my pride and shame trying to handle it myself, in the process lost my mother, best friend and countless other relatives in tragic ways during all these times I was emotionally and mentally abused. He was incarcerated for attacking my coworker a few yrs later I left the state for a better life for my children. I stayed single for a few yrs. Met someone another person whom was smoother at hiding who he really is but less abusive sim traits though, picking fights esp on days like my deceased mothers birthday or my deceased uncle day of death (by his son) and I have yet to really unload all that I have endured bc it just keeps on coming with no break in btwn to be able to start to heal from the 1st trauma up until present.
Awesome
@whendis.roberts9903
How do you do that?I want to!
Just broke off with a guy I been dating for just a year. I actually broke up twice with him before this final. I just knew something was off but I could not figure it out. Now that he is no longer in my life I’ve found this Doctor and boy did she put everything into perspective. I feel relieved and happy I made the correct choice to get away from him. I can breath again.
Yes! We can breath again!!! Pay close attention to how you were before and during the relationship!
I've met so many men that are toxic it's sad.
I am happy for you! It took me five years to end my Toxic relationship, I too knew something wasn't right from the beginning, but I couldn't figure it out. I didn't know anything about Narcissistic personalities until I went into hiding when I was getting out of my relationship! I too am so happy I was able to finally get out of it.
It sounds like you're a covert narcissist that took advantage of a guy. The woman chooses if to get in or out of a relationship with a man. You gave no context to your story, which makes your "story" very weird, incomplete and it's usually what a woman does to make herself feel better about herself.
My guess is that you trashed the guy.
My deal was to love this person to health, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's what I wanted for me & others; but, it literally set me up to be in the lion's den over & over.
Now I'm older, exhausted, & am into being a recluse & little old lady. Just need to get meals on wheels going & I can stay inside & not have to deal with perpetrators around every FUCKING corner.
Forget love interests. I'm just staying alive for now.
Narcissist do change, but only towards the worse: they become more covert and more intense after each supply.
Omg
Exactly
I’m so grateful to grow up before social media.
I went through counselling with my Narc Ex; it turned to I was the problem. He only went to outsmart the therapist; I will never do couples counselling again.
I had a narcissist friend who was very proud of the fact she went to therapy, and even weaponised it to get one-up on me because I'm not currently in therapy, BUT she would very carefully pick therapists who reinforced her view of the world. She actually fired one who she said 'stood up for other people too much.' These people will go to therapy, but only to use it for their own ends.
@@charitygoldart That's why it's so important to find a therapist that is trained to spot Narcissitic behaviors.
Happened to me too. He charmed the therapist and it all got turned around to me being the problem and maybe I had ADD. 🤷♀️
It's possible the counselor was a narcissist too and related more to them. Had that experience when speaking to a divorce attorney. It's a thing. Needless to say I didn't hire him but I did have to pay his consulting fee!
I totally understand! I don’t trust counsellors per se. they are human too and they can be bias
How true they are constantly angry, constantly anxious.
Yes!!
YES!!!!!
Absolutely true..
@@Caroline-ez8lsdefe Dr
After 8 years alone now i'm starting to find myself...
I lived with an narsissist for,31 years and we got 4 children together.He have taken over half my life,and now he have taken the children in his power...
I have no contact with him,or my children because it's not getting nowhere else than more of this behaviour and i don't wont to put more gasoline in to it..,i just have to wait..,it's nothing i can do!..I need to thank you so much for this podcast 💞 EVERYTHING she said about an narsissist is tru.., EVERYTHING! Please be careful and never,ever forget what has been told today🙏💟
I just love this lady. Addressing a similar situation and giving me options. Please have her back!
Thanks for being here!
When you understand narcissism, it’s very sad for all parties
Heartbreaking for sure.
1:29:00 The narcissistic relationship cycle:
Love bombing ➡ Devaluing ➡ Discard ➡ Hoovering ➡ Future faking
🔙 Love bombing
Check check check CHECK CHECK
here's a ... 'my baď@jÖKe4♤2😅day ... Q:¿¿¿what is mean and round??? Å:¡¡¡Å viĆious ÇirÇle = ÇyclÇle!!!
My sister is a vainglorious, power-hungry, attention-seeking narcissist. Whenever I ask her a question about something that would be helpful to me, instead of giving me an answer, she uses the opportunity to make herself feel better than me by belittling me for asking her in the first place. I henceforth only text her twice a year: happy birthday and merry christmas.
😢
@plumeria66 i soooo know what u mean! :s
😢
Good for you. Taking the supply away.
Plumeria...they cannot answer a simple yes or no question can they? Too important they are for that.
I married a narc for 25 years ,in the end I said enough ,I had it all,mind games was the worst ,
25 years is also the time I spent in, too long anywho lesson learned, DEEP.
I've dealt with narcissistic people before and it was such a draining experience. You gave great tips on how to spot and deal with them in a healthy way.
This fantastic woman has helped countless people understand these empty monsters we call narcissists. It helps you process the damage they've caused.
This woman is amazing, I was seeing a girl a few years back who was spot on what she talks about. At first she was charming, nice, WAY too nice, there were so many traits to list I can go on for an hour of the act she put on. After 2/3 months she very slowly started turning the screws on me like she thought I wouldn’t notice cause she gave it enough time that she thought she had me hooked.I switched my schedule up 180 degrees so I wouldn’t have to see her again at work, I had a new career lined up within a week. I put my notice in while I switched my schedule up. And just quit the job completely. I’m sure it rocked her world that I put on the front of just another sucker that she could continue snapping at me like I wasn’t noticing. I haven’t spoken a word to her since I walked out of the job for the last time over 3 years ago. If I would have stayed with her who knows what my mental health would have been like today. I’m sure that’s never happened to her before and I’m sure I bruised her ego for which she deserves. She was one of the worst people I’ve ever met
I grew up with a narcissist father.. I always felt the need to apologize for being born .. I walked on egg shells and felt fear everyday of my life.. I still loved him so much
I had to take a class for my job and we were studying the gait and assessing one another's walk and how the foot hit the floor. It was the first time that I realized I walked on my tippy toes!!! Your heel is supposed to hit the floor, too!!! I was mind blown to discover that even after decades away from my narc parent I still walked in a way to not make any noise!!
Same. I told him literally via message, "When you F with mom, I did not choose to come. It is your fault for having fun for making me." Then, no contact.
That part on apologizing to being born
What would you tell a young woman who didn't know that her dad is a narcissist?
I realize that I am such a normal (beautiful heart) and better person when I am away from narcissistic.
If someone shows no interest in what I am saying and/or shows no empathy if I tell them about something I or someone else is going thru, it’s safe to say they are a narcissist. The most important thing is after knowing how to love myself, I now lose interest in engaging with such people and can easily move on without ever looking back and second guessing myself. Work on your self love and self worth, know the red flags, and know what to do when you see the red flags.
I know that hollow feeling when interacting with narcissists. They tend to talk at me, and it's obvious they're putting on an act.
@@jzen1455 That’s the only way they know how to act!
Good for you!!! Keep up the good work 👏 🙌 👍 👌 💪 😉
@@goodgrandma8936 Thank you! We are survivors! Best wishes! 👍🙏🤗
I noticed that when I talked about someone like for instance Dr Ramni about things I learned (just giving an example) he would say, "This again? You talk about this all the time." It's like gee thanks
I’ve had no contact with at least four narssacists. It’s so awesome. You can’t heal if you keep these people around.
Thank you for this interview. I wish that I had found it earlier. 5 years ago, my guts told me I worked around Narcissistic people and flying monkeys. I was new. I didn't defend. I didn't engage. I didn't explain, I didn't complain, and I didn't personalize. The management went above and beyond by setting many warm meetings with me and telling me what those people said about me, and because of my work were all fine. They could not understand the issues they had. I knew there was something off about the place. I don't mind hopping to several places to find the hard-to-find "empath" boss and coworkers. People say that I am passive-aggressive and let them say what they want. I was quiet and grounded.
That's sad and I understand. Some man was grooming me at work and when I spoke up they said they would do something and they did nothing I finally just quit.
I’m not ever quitting for anybody
Ed 1:18:56
@@mariahconklin4150
There are so many narcissists around us. Thank you for this video. I love the reactions and questions of the host/interviewer, Lewis Howes.
You're welcome, thank you for watching🧡
There are way too many of them for my liking.
My goodness: "You can't tell them good news because they will be dismissive or ridiculing, you can't tell them bad news because they get really angry and rage full, so all you can really talk about is neutral stuff like the weather!? Aha (nods)." 😢 to have a resolved endurance 🙏🏼 and wisdom
People confuse transactional with reciprocal. Those are two very different things.
@amorogombe96 in my 10-year relationship with a psychopath sociopath narcissist our relationship was not reciprocal but he did have a transactional one with prostitutes that he called that he called sex workers and literally stated it was a transaction he was helping him pay the electric bill which he just left out his illegal
All this abuse described typically ends with a 911 call. Mine was made this morning. This channel and so many other great Psychologists on youtube have helped save my life. I'm forever grateful and will pay the world back threefold with the education I've learned from this channel and others on youtube. I appreciate you all who are exposing the truth and making a positive impact on the world. 🙏
I appreciate your support! It means a lot! Big thanks to you!
I always look to how my date treats wait staff at a restaurant ..
I totally feel Lewis’s “Ohhhh my Goshhhh” 😅
😂😂 Me too 😅
@@nadiyaahmed1394 🤣
DEEP aka “grey rocking” or basically tuning them out and detaching from them. I’ve learned to grey rock with my mom when I was around 9 after I came to the conclusion that talking with her just stressed me out and led to her exploding with rage unexpectedly.
A good relationship takes EFFORT, which should be more of a pleasure than pain to do, but not the force of very hard work. To me, there's a very big difference between those two situations. ❤
Youre the best Dr. Ramani!❤ thanks lewis for interviewing her🤗 we learned a lot!💜
Glad you enjoyed it!
I can listen her for hours❤❤
Thanks for being here!
Also. Jealousy is a form of thought for people who are insecure. Being jealous shows you have self disbelief and lack of trust. If you have a person whos true. Youll never be jealous, you know regardless of their ideal charisma that they will be true to you. Jealousy is the fear that they may be not. Also. Jealousy is a failed form of control. Once you have full conteol of your mind and body. You let that go. The moment you become a real individual
Every time I traveled with my ex it was a total nightmare. I ended up having to walk away.
Dr. Ramani: Thank you. Especially for "the chickens will come home to roost."
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
Gosh you are the queen! Thank you so much for this. It just gave me so much validation and insight to the craziness I’ve been dealing with for the last 17 years !!!
It's been seven years, and I'm still in that single-for-the-rest-of-my-life phase. I'm not sure I know how to get out of it.
I'm not convinced we ever should lol
It's been 20 yrs for me. PTSD, from the nightmare w/him, still working on trusting my own discernment.
@@AprilSunshine If you ever want to be happy, just leave. I did but because they are so controlling, I had to plan it carefully. With the help of my Boss, he got me a transfer out of State. We worked different hours and I scheduled movers to move me on a day he was working.
Me too almost. With one for 25 years and now single for 6 1/2 years. I have literally said yesterday that I plan on being single the rest of my life. A relationship seems like so much work right now. Don’t feel like I’ll change. Going through death of my father 3 months ago now. We were very close and I took care of him the last 3 years. Now I’ve got to start over my career and my social life. I don’t have the energy for a man. Lol!
I’ve been married for 16 years and I’ve always felt like every problem was my fault
Wow, I thought I was going to watch this in chunks, but it was so engaging that the time flew by so fast. Excellent compilation 👏
Best you tube video EVER!! It covers sooooo much! It's 3hrs and 9 mins long but it's a total package of revelation of the traits of a Narcissist, how it effects you and how to heal from it and have a healthy relationship from there on out!
WOW!! Wow wow wow wow wow!! You'll be saying that throughout this video. It's a 3hr jump start to opening your eyes and mind and heart up to what's really going on in your life! Thanks you two! If people REALLY listen to this and keep referring back to it they'll be a lot more better off!
Appreciate you and your support🧡
The stories of the self-actualized people gave me the feels 💙
"Anyone who is a doer and it's worked for them.." - yep, it'll get you stuck in a toxic relationship. If you are that, you will keep trying to make it work with a narc, while the narc's goal is antagonism, they strive for it to never work.
Doc, I'm so happy to see, hear you happy. You are a genuinely good spirit.
This is podcast is on point about everything. Hearing about Lewis having these issues in prior relationships leads me to believe that this can happen to anybody.
It makes me not feel alone. Thank you. The word "exhausting" describes everything about being in a relationship with a narcissist, or in my case BPD
I have a toddler with her and she's now "jokingly" blaming the toddler for things she does. If I even mention that she shouldn't be doing that, she would say "you don't have social queus, you can't even tell when I am joking". I also have been accused of having autism.
Can't explain, can't argue back.
I divorced my narcissistic ex nearly three years ago, and I kid you not - he took me to San Francisco on our fourth date.
I love this doctor! She is so intelligent. I’m a teacher, and her explanations are so easy to understand. I would love to talk to her.
This video/interview is a real gem
Somehow, I have had my Epiphany this time.
I hope you do too.
May I suggest this :
Run the tape when you are doing something else, like preparing a meal, dressing up, etc.
The message comes through in its soft, non-accusatory, evident way that you may be able to appreciate your own libération from self blame and learn to love the person you are more.
The truths here are unbiased and as clear as can be.
Enjoy. 🎉❤
My spouse had a 57 red Chevy convertible and he is the most malignant narcissistic!!! You hit the nail on the head! At 81 he is a horrible person. Your advice has saved my sanity and ultimately my life! Thank you from the bottom of my empathetic heart!
Thanks for this wonderful information about dealing with a Narcissist. 💯👊💪
You're welcome, thank you for watching🧡
Raised by a malignant narcissistic mother. I so relate to "closing the gates."
I love Dr. Ramani. Excellent.
This lady is amazing I love her work ❤
Thanks for being here!
This is breaking my heart, Dr Ramini, you are describing my life, my partner is out of my life but he is love bombing, guilt tripping me on a daily basis. He never takes responsibility for his actions. I am broken now, feel alone, he is turning everyone against me. I need help.
Hang in there.
Stay strong and set your boundaries.
Learn to say NO.
Stick to the decisions you have made and don't let them persuade you to change your mind or drop the boundary.
Do things for yourself not them.
So if something he suggests doesn't suit you, just say no, and don't give a reason why. You don't owe them an explanation.
If they throw the toys out of their pram because you don't want to do whatever, you know that is what they really feel.
The love bombing is all an act.
You're a known supply and he hasn't got new supply, so you're the easiest option for him.
Just remember the shyte he put you through, the people he has alienated just to keep hold of you, and know that he will do it all again.
They don't know how to love, it's all for their easy life, not yours.
But if all of his drama and damage is what you want, then just jump right back in.
You deserve better.
Pop me a message or reply for support, if you wish.
Best. E ❤
He can bad mouth you all he wants. That's none of your business. Just remember that those who know you won't believe him and those who don't, don't matter.
Please stay strong and stay away. Your survival depends on it. He'll never change and you deserve infinitely more.
This was extremely helpful. Thank you so much for sharing these insights, especially the DEEP awareness needed to deal with these individuals. It is the best direction to take. Great advice, do not let yourself get caught in the tangled madness of the game these individuals like to play with others hearts and minds. Thank you. . . blessings 🙏
You're welcome, thank you for watching🧡
This is so amazing, I feel as if you are describing what I have experienced for over 20years from 2 family members. Thank you for shining a light
Yes. The most endearing action a man /men ever made to me was being extremely vulnerable. There is strength in brokenness. Lovable ness. And revealing it to the one who has always loved you. Even if you couldn’t , didn’t believe it.
This describes my ex to a Tee! So glad I'm not in that relationship anymore!
Dr Ramani you are super expert at this and ypu exactly know how this narcissistic people are. I know this from my experience.
I had hoped that Dr. Ramani would have spoken in-depth about adult children whom you discover late in their life that they are narcissistic.
Anyone carrying shame attached to their identity can appear narcissistic. Lack of empathy and refusing to take accountability is what to look for, as well as what she says at the beginning
I don't put my children online because of predators
It’s always a win lose game with them after 24yrs had to walk away so hard I just told him you win we lose I was always put on a shelf only taken down when it benefits him
Love her . He sounds like he is full of fear, and I’m glad she called him out on it 🎊
I really hope more people are getting educated about this topic before it's too late.
Sometimes when Dr. Ramani makes certain statements about narcissists I get the feeling she is directly speaking to a person or people who she knows is listening /hoovering her and she wants them to know she KNOWS. Lol
This is 100% my daughter in law, I fell so bad for my son as she has sucked him in twisted his mind and turned him into a victim. 😢
My sister is a severe narcissist! Nice to everyone until someone disagrees with her, then you become her victim for the rest of your life! Anything & everything she can do to make every day life miserable for anyone she can. Her daughter is exactly like her, they can't be around each other because they are exactly the same in every aspect. They make up things to cause havoc/harm to anyone & everyone they can.
These videos are the best advice, put in the most easy, clear way to understand and how to look out for these traits and how much it takes someone as you said, made of steel strong, to survive living with that person.
Lewis thank you for being you. You and Dr. Ramani are so very great together. Sending you my very best wishes. Appreciate you both very much.😊
Future faking. “ as soon as my tour is over. As soon as my child turns 18 “ as soon as my contract with this music company runs through.
I’ve heard it all.
Thank you for this incredible, in-depth, full presentation Lewis! 🙏🏻🤍 Dr.Ramani is wonderful! She has been a Godsend in my healing journey from 2 very specific narcissistic relationships through radical acceptance! Her teaching therapies, coaching and wisdom have been complete game changers! Learning, listening and implementing her strategies have been responsible in helping me live a more gratifying and freeing life! Patience, fortitude, and willingness to implement change are our greatest assets in recovery! Be your best self!
Lewis, you could describe narcissism, couldn't you? Haven't you intimately experienced that personality type? Do you recognize yourself as the empath? Empaths attract narcissists. Could be a good interview topic: how does the empath keep narcissists away?
Many thanks to both Dr. Ramani and Mr. Lewis Howes for this very very very insightful video🙏🕊🌷💝🤗
I loved this interview, thank you ❤
OMG I don't want to cry, but so many flashbacks, so many feelings waking up with some things you say Dr!
Omg the guy I’m seeing just asked me to take him home from his colonoscopy and I’m so happy he cares about his health enough to take care of himself. He was embarrassed and I was happy 😂
Thank you again to invite dr Ramani🙏❤️🌹
You're welcome, thank you for watching🧡
Eye opener. ❤
Thank you for this conversation. Very powerful.
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
Omaigashhh what a wonderful night and hours I have spent hearing today this realistic and fluently conversation thanks you both rocking 💌
Dr. Armani has be a key component in helping me maintain not contact with my abuser (violence included) and appreciate her insight. However, Lewis, this interview discussion was so much deeper that ok it to the next level. Thank you so much for this. I am two years no contact (well minus the court dates) and still slowly moving forward.
But the discussion of seeing the signs early and knowing when to respectfully to walk away.
In all honesty, I know the exact moment I had the little voice I heard with the ex malignant narcissist and I ignored it.
You and Dr. Ramani helped me to keep it up. 🙌🏻 thanks!!
Dr Ramani, you are amazing. Good info.
I completely agree that different cities have different percentages as well.
I came from a small village in Italy and moved to London Uk. The comparison in any areas (work, relationships, etc) is incredible
Thank you so much for all this great knowledge you share! WOULD YOU PLEASE SHARE THIS TEST YOU DID WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
Amazing interview! I feel really thankful
Yes. My ex was wildly jealous of men who were friends. He ruined relationships with paranoid unwarranted jealousy. Then I was the target of his wrath. When I exited the relationship it became a global smear campaign against me . Dr. Ramani , is there the possibility of love after loss, especially when my reputation has been besmirched . Will anyone care enough to get to know the real me. 💔
My journey for the last 17 years has been a difficult one. Being married to a person with narcissistic tendency had me questioning my own sanity. I am just now getting the inspiration to leave.
I once spoke to afriend, who I've never seen for at least 30 years on the phone. I told her Ihad Cancer. Her reply to me was "Now you're better". No empathy or compassion.
I love her
I Luv this show. The two of u have a great dinamic!
You are such a beautiful human.
To be fair folks. Normal folks have these characteristics as well once narced to hell and back. Gotta realize narcs have to consistently perform 6 out of the 9 traits.
What a great interview! This is perfect because you've drawn out responses from Dr. Ramani that I've never heard. How genuine and open you both are. Truly great. Thank you!
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
PERFECT TIMING
The real stuff. Just happened to me with a coworker that acted like I was her best friend over 10 years lol