Parentification: What it is and Strategies for Recovery
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- Опубліковано 26 січ 2022
- Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Qualified Clinical Supervisor. She received her PhD in Mental Health Counseling from the University of Florida in 2002. In addition to being a practicing clinician, she has provided training to counselors, social workers, nurses and case managers internationally since 2006 through AllCEUs.com Parentification: What it is and Strategies for Recovery
When children become responsible for the caregivers or siblings physical and/or emotional wellbeing #parentification #attachment #codependency
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Parentification: What it is and Strategies for Recovery
When children become responsible for the caregivers or siblings physical and/or emotional wellbeing
Physical (nutrition, sleep, comfort)
Emotional (Identifying, responding to emotional distress)
Cognitive (Helping the parent make decisions, giving advice, serving as a confidante)
Environmental (Waking up, going to work, paying bills, chores)
Relational (Mediating between adults)
This represents a significant, ongoing boundary violation
Caregivers are supposed to provide secure attachment, not the other way around (CRAVES is absent)
Overly responsible in adulthood
Hypervigilant to others feelings and needs
Codependency
Grief/resentment for never having a childhood
Don’t remember being a kid
Still feel responsible for caregiver’s / siblings wellbeing
Self blame and guilt
Difficulty with emotion regulation
Video by Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes on integrative behavioral health approaches including counseling techniques and skills for improving mental health and reducing mental illness.
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I have so much resentment towards my parents for this.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
I believe one huge reason I couldn’t bring myself to have kids was because of the parentification. From birth, I understood my place as the emotional caregiver to an adult, then both adults ( aka my parents; I know they loved me but it was like growing up in a minefield). And I’m still doing the caregiving for one parent, btw. But I subconsciously never ever wanted to ‘take care’ of any reasonably functioning adult ever again. And now in my mid 40s, it takes all my effort to just take care of myself.
So at the first sign of codependency or lack of accountability from a partner, I stayed far away. Even working on my own stuff for the past 10 years, I still feel my boundaries as shaky.
Anyways, I love kids and squishy babies but… maybe next life.
Me too, I'm 47 and at this time of life I'm so glad I chose not to get married, live with a long term partner or have my own children. It's bad enough having to parent myself going into perimenopause then menopause itself 😔
Thanks for watching.
fill the earth and multiply
hook the problems to Jesus and walk away
Same. I've already raised 2 kids (my parents), I don't have the desire to raise any more.
I was like a car with no maintenance whatsoever. They ran me completely down and the left me on the side of the road bone-dry, not even any gas to get myself back home. And sometimes they come back to punish me for not driving myself back home that they light me on fire to finish me off with punishment for their dissatisfaction with me for pooping out. THIS IS A REAL STORY!
I am sorry about that. Maybe the videos o cPTSD will help: ua-cam.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=cptsd
Thank you.
I never thought I had a fear of abandonment because I could easily let people go, but I learned that I developed a habit of going for people I could easily walk away from.
My fear of abandonment comes from not having anyone to rely upon from a very young age. Not only did I feel responsible for siblings and my parents, I had to be responsible for myself in a way that was not age appropriate. It saddens me to think of my five year old self getting stressed trying to figure out which clothes to wear to school, having to wear dirty clothes because no one did laundry (I learned how to do my own laundry later, but still went to school with wet clothes sometimes), walking myself to kindergarten, trying to wake my mom up everyday, and so much more.
I'm a parent myself now, and it's exhausting trying to do so much. I'm learning how to ask for help and get my needs met, so my kids can be kids.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Let go of wanting to have the perfect child hood u wanted and forgiveness , pray to Jesus Christ ask Him to come in your heart and heal your strong holds . You are a new creation now
I do food clothes and shelter educational stuff and church, that is it and enough….keep it simple
I can so relate to this!
Survival for a child like me was just trying to using my excellent intuition to "save" adults emotionally so they won't get frustrated and angry and leave me. It is a very existential way to live day to day when you are supposed to be playing and learning roles to choose later on in life. It is very, very, stressful. I have to constantly meet the needs of the emotional parent who does nothing to even help me back or even validate that my intuition was even right. They don't even validate that I am even doing anything that they needed with a "thank you". These are very emotionally "stupid" people. I GOT NOTHING BACK in any, any, any way whatsoever. They completely ran me into the ground.
I am sorry that happened to you and I appreciate you watching the video.
Great video. My older sister (first born)was parentified from a very young age. She was always more of a mom to her 4 younger siblings than a sister. Her workload was enormous from a very early age. Now that my parents are at end of life the pressures on her to continue to act as the head of the family have intensified. She is in her early 60s and the demands on her time and energy can have serious health consequences for her.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Yup. I’m turning 30 soon and have abandoned this role with an intensity because it makes me angry and resentful and I’m going to live my life for myself now.
Many people who don’t understand want to call me selfish but I don’t care anymore. I’m never going to be a slave to other people’s problems and their own irresponsible choices.
I have had to clean up people’s messes for too long. Had to suffer because of other peoples choices and I won’t do it anymore.
My in-laws divorced and both treated their son and daughter with emotional incest. It's so hard to create deep bond with my husband. Plus, the dynamic of their family seems off too. I kept trying to find the answer to all this weird connection between them. My father in-law call my husband as his buddy, and my husband respects his sister as 'the mother of the house'. He even swore to take care of his sister until her last breath. The intimacy between them at times make me having those stomach-sick feeling. Now that I realise and learn of all this stuff, it put my mind into different perspectives and every confusion I have, justified. I wish more people can be enlightened of this topic and realise the effects of this on their spouse too
I appreciate you watching the video. How will you use the information share to help your husband?
@@DocSnipes unfortunately my husband didn't believe in counselling as the dad has planted into his mind that all this is a waste of time. I can't change him if he doesn't want to change himself. He cannot see anything wrong with being enmeshed with them. but I can work on myself. That's my focus now
Amazing insights especially where parentified adults are blind to their deep anger, distrust, resentment, negativity, guilt, bpd, ptsd and codependency affecting their inner child's trauma, grief and safety
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
My whole life my mother demanded this from me, her only son. Especially emotionally. It scared me. After my father got dementia it got worse and when he died it felt like she expected me to take over his role completely. I could not stand it anymore and stopped seeing her...
Sorry for the loss of your mother & father. No one understands unless it happened to them.
Been there. I get it. Even if society won't validate you, I do. Hugs.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
This video is super validating, thank you.
Doctor Snipes, thank you so much for all the great work you do! My parents are divorced ( I was only 3,5 when this happened) . I have two siblings, but often I was the mediator between siblings and mom, I took care of my younger sibling, ,my mom had to work 12 hours a day Saturday also, my mom got panic attacks and depression when I was 11-12. Her mother ( my grandmother) told us, we caused that to her, we would make her sick.
Unfortunately my mom died 7 years ago ( cancer, within 3 month), all my siblings are living far away, I am the only who cared about my mom all the time ( although I have 3 kids). At the funeral my mom’s aunt told me that we killed our mother. I was broken. I love my mom, I know she had a hard time, but we kids had it too. Now I am in therapy ( depression and anxiety) at the age of 44! ( my mom was also a parentified child.
I am sorry that happened to you and I am sorry for your loss. What strategies are you going to use to start recovering from parentification?
My mother parentified me and she was the one saying I was killing her.
I did not have to take care of my parents but I did have to massage my dad’s back after dinner every day and take care of my younger siblings. I turned into a very good adult care giver but almost too much like codependency. I worked very hard on codependency in counseling services. I still have care giving tendencies.
Bouncing between Anger and Depression..... That was me. 90% Anger for almost 17yr.... until I could even accept that I might have an issue with my style of dealing with emotions.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Thank you Dr. Snipes. Both my parents have passed in the last year and a half. I wish there wa more info on what happens to the eldest sibling in the family when they are all adults. My siblings are taking their anger and resentment out on me. Basically the same way our father did when he was forced to take custody of us. It seems they believe my existence in the family should only be tolerated if I am serving the members in the family in some way. I am working with a therapist thankfully but it’s still been so painful realizing that my adult siblings have been treating me with the same contempt that our father did. My only role was to be caretaker of the family and as I set healthy boundaries they cannot handle it.
I am sorry that happened to you and I appreciate you watching
@@DocSnipes thank you for what you are doing to help keep others informed.
Oh boy this sure was me and my Mom when I was growing up...
Totally exhausting..
Thanks for watching.
This is always so interesting and super helpful to watch . Greetings
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Your awesome Doc! Appreciate your notes❤️
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
That was great. It really helps me to be a better listener to people who might identify with the topic. I’m learning more about how to be compassionate from your posts. Thank you so much for your efforts to share these.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
thank you for the session. Never had ANY idea about this. much needed.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Thank you, this finally makes so much sense…Well explained, and such validation… This helped a great deal, to understand… This spoke volumes…
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Wow this explains alot to me. I now have a missing piece of my puzzle. Very interesting. I will be working on this. I dont want to be a caretaker no more. Im 53 i want to do sometbing else with my life . What i want matters too. I will be on a new journey and a new chapter in my story.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Thank you Mrs. Snipes. This came at a time when I just lost my father in law and had been one of his caregivers.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
wonderful presentation.Thank you
You’re welcome . I am grateful to have been of service
Thank you for your generosity in sharing your knowledge! Knowledge is power for people like me (oldest of ten and still grappling with the long-term consequences of being parentified).
Thanks for watching.
LOVE THIS ❤️❤️🙏 Thank you
You are so welcome!
Thank you for this video.
Welcome
Why is parentification not apart of the dsm diagnosis when the specifications are so detrimental 2 the child's wellbeing, while the outcome causes extremes such as addiction &/or death? I have suffered through this abuse & this is the 1st time I've heard of this.
Im sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve it. I think the term is relatively new and is only recently being explored... But also, there is a lot of focus on the parentified child and not on the parent who is doing the parentifying and is the one who is in most cases leading the dynamic. Hopefully there can be more research done and it can be better understandood and conceptualized in a way that can help the victims.
@@CreamIceMs thanks for responding..I really appreciate your understanding.
Thank you so much, groundbreaking stuff
You’re so welcome. Thank you for watching the video. What did you find most helpful from it?
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
You are so welcome!
Thank you so much for this video. From a new subscriber with lived experience of this issue, albeit to a lesser degree than many of the examples in your video. Suggestions of Inner child work and letter writing really resonated. I am grateful for the time you’ve taken to help many of coming to terms with the impact of parentification.
You’re so welcome! I am grateful to be of help and I appreciate you watching the video. If you’re interested in videos on the inner child, you can find them at ua-cam.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=innerchild
Awesome and helpful information. Thank you!
You’re so welcome. Thank you so much for watching
This happened to someone I love. She had become a in home supportive services caregiver to take care of her father. I never got a chance to meet her father so I don't know what he was like first hand, I think this describes some of what she went through and helps me see some of the kinds of things that are a part of what made her who she is.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Co Dependency as a need to save/help/carry other ppl. 🙋
Thanks for watching.
I experienced that on my own skin sadly 😔
Even though I was younger child I had to look after my sister ,be family mediator etc…
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks ! 💕
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Well explained, greetings from Brazil
Thanks for watching from Brazil! :)
Thank you
Welcome
Thank youuuuu!!!
You’re welcome. I appreciate you watching
As a child around age 7, I remember trying to reason with my father and talk him out of beating my younger sibling. My sibling, age 5 or 6, had done some trivial misbehavior that my mother reported to my father. My father was not angry, but he beat my brother, as if this was the correct way to handle my brother's misbehavior. It was absolutely inhumane and brutal, and it was not the only time one of us was beaten. It took many years for me to understand that my parents lacked empathy, and that both of my siblings also lack empathy. They see this lack of empathy as "normal," and they believe that I am "crazy" and defective because I feel empathy, and see things differently than how they do.
That’s awful and I am deeply sorry it happened to you.
Wow!
Thanks for watching
Thanks!
You’re most welcome. I am very grateful for your support.
This hurt to hear but was necessary 😔💯
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Lovely
Ty
I can see how emotional burdens can be formed on the child with accepting and following through with with parental duties for the parent and they begin to rely on you. If you accepted the chore once as an act of giving and wanting praise for your love and your skills and family bonding acts, now they are EXPECTING and degrade you for not "following through" for the rest of their lives! That is having a role deposited in your LAP! (I feel I was tagged as "IT"!) Thanks, Dr. Snipes. This has never been so clear, and nothing has been so important to me than to understand this, as this kind of thankless loyalty for my father is what I am looking to DUMP! I had physical symptoms as a child and the doctors said I was "too conscientious". Now I know why! I was doing everyone else's job and my own obligation to my self was completely IGNORED! I am going through all your videos to pick up now on what I needed to grow into a well-rounded and separate person. I joined your channel to say my "thanks" each and every month!
You’re so welcome. I am grateful for you joining the channel and watching the videos. They help. What tips from the video will you use to recover from parentification?
Yes 👍
Thanks for watching.
Might consider youth work , this power can change society 😍 can people make phycology a topic that is compulsory in schools, like self care education? Not social studies 🤔
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Emotional Neglect in childhood. No one to turn to SAVE, BE A SAVIOR to RESCUE the child. No NO Reassurance of being a person.
Thanks for watching.
Can relate
I am sorry about that. What tips from the video will you use first for recovery?
4 PM guess i better learn about parentrification
When you said to get our story out of our head and on to paper, the Amygdala..... My Question is why im having such a hard time doing that.
Thanks for being part of the channel.
This causes borderline personality disorder in susceptible people doesn't it. My mom was responsible for her siblings from the age of 7. I think my mom developed bpd as a result of it so home was interesting. My husband was diagnosed with it before he killed himself. I had very serious anger management problems but I worked through that in therapy. I have aphantasia and no inner monologue. I think that protected me. My mom swears I don't have feelings but things just don't bother me the same way they seem to bother others and I think it's because I don't have to look at it. I don't have to listen to it running through my mind. It shouldn't bother me as much. Is it possible that having that quiet dark space in my mind protected me from the worst of the consequences of my childhood? Or did it cause it?
Can Adults learn how to ask & get help skills???
Does it work?? Is it possible???
Thanks for watching.
many people don’t even know what is happening as it happens, too bad I didn’t recognize it as a kid and honored my parents.. used me
Thanks for sharing. Wishing you, peace, health, and, happiness.
Roles, identities are all screwed up for people who have traumatic parentification. I can't figure out who is what because I don't know what people are supposed to do in relation with me and what I am supposed to do in relationship to them. I have no real identity myself to act from and grow and enjoy. I have no purpose to who I am because I am, can do, and actually do is NEVER validated. I can't have fun because it involves enjoying my self and I don't know who I am.
That sounds awful and I wish you didn’t have to go through it.
What if you tried writing down the things you’re grateful for in the present moment and the things that bring/brought you joy (no matter how little)?
Mother dumped all care of 3 siblings and a divorce had me reassure them that we will be OK. I've been emotionally and physically sick I'm 51 now and can't get any solution of episodes of anxiety. I didn't have a childhood at all as made to feel guilty for trying to have one. My mother and I do not talk I did try but she started doing the same thing with my daughter. I heard in my parents marriage my mother was taking money from my dad's accounts and cheating and getting me to work to clear her debt with a debt agency and he turned out to be a child mol. He tried it on me until I wailed him and ran. I was thinking of weiting a book..
Try internal family systems therapy
This what happened to me.
Guilty I don’t know if that’s how I feel? There were truths and there were consequences I don’t know if there’s any guilt or shame! I was victimized, my reactions were defensive! All could’ve been avoided if abortion was legal
Parental HATERED. Resentment for the mum, mother, caregiver skills, disabled mom due to Addictions. Irresponsible adult. Aunt caregiver & Safety lacking. Figuring out life skills of right & wrong behaviors. Oh grief. Survival, preservation. Stole childhood. Resentment.
Anger. Emotional Neglect.
Thanks for watching.
14:50 how to fix it
What tips from the video will you use to fix it? You can ask my AI to more easily find information in the video library. AllCEUs.com/DocSnipes-AI
9:59
I’ve been writing to my 10-year-old self, well he’ll be 14 next month That the year we run away! 12 weeks 26 weeks can we all agree 14 years it’s too late to abort babies
Thanks for watching.
@@DocSnipes Donna Lee, That’s is my sister’s name🧬 the only when I got left🖖🏼
There have always been people who take advantage of Others.
Modern Society has turned the strength of a family supporting each other into a chore.
Don't be confused.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Where you from
How are you✌😭⛪🗽😅🤰
@@taneikfai4718 I am happy and doing great, thanks. How are you doing? I hope fine. Let me introduce you to an important person who wants to have a relationship with you. He is dependable and reliable, and accepts you as you are. His name is Jesus Christ. Are you aware that Jesus loves you very much and deeply cares about you and you need Him? Please consider inviting Jesus into your life as your Lord and personal Savior ❤️❤️
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