Narcissist's Selective Memory: It's All About Narcissistic Supply!
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- Опубліковано 25 лип 2014
- Everything You Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse - click on this link: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq...
I am often shocked when presented with incontrovertible evidence to an event in my past, something I said, or did, a person I knew, a sentence I have written. I do not remember having done, said, or written what is attributed to me. I do not recall having met the person, having felt anything, having been there. It is not that it looks alien to me, as though it happened to someone else. I simply have no recollection whatsoever, I draw a blank. Hence my enormous and recurrent and terrifyingly helpless state of surprise. These cognitive distortions, these lapses of memory are as close as I ever get to losing control.
My terror is mixed with voyeuristic fascination. Through the writings, through the reconstructed utterances, through a careful study of what that other, previous, "Sam" has done, or said, or written - I come to learn myself. I meet myself on numerous occasions, reflections in the shattered mirrors of my dysfunctional, selective memory. These frequent occurrences of dissociative amnesia - when I repress the painful, the irrelevant, the useless - are the fabric of the punctuated being that is I.
But what are the rules determining this ruthless and automatic censorship? What governs the selection process? What events, people, writings, thoughts, emotions, hopes are cast into my oblivion - and why do others etch themselves indelibly? Is the repository of my discarded reality - my True Self, that dilapidated, immature, scared and atrophied little child inside me? Am I afraid to get in touch with memory itself, spun from the yarn of pains and disappointments? In short: is this an emotional involvement prevention mechanism?
It's not. On introspection, I simply erase and atomize that which is no longer of use in the pursuit of Narcissistic Supply. I read books, magazines, Web pages, research papers, official memoranda, and daily papers. I then retain in accessible long term memory only the facts, the views, the news, the theories, the words that can help me elicit Narcissistic Supply. Like the proverbial squirrel, I amass intellectual assets that yield the maximum astonishment, adulation, and attention in my listeners. All the rest I discard contemptuously, though, by now, after decades of self-training, unconsciously. I, therefore, rarely remember anything I read just minutes after having read it. I cannot recall movie plots, story lines of novels, a reasoned argument in an article, the history of any nation, or things I myself have authored. No matter how many times I re-read my own essays, I find them absolutely new, none of the sentences recognizable. I then proceed to forget them instantly.
Similarly, I alter my biography at will, to suit the potential Sources of Narcissistic Supply who happen to be listening. I say things not because I believe in them, nor because I know them to be true (in truth, I know very little and ignorant of much). I say things because I am desperately trying to impress, provoke responses, bask in the glow of affirmation, extract applause. Naturally, I very soon forget what I said. Not the result of a coherent structure of deeply assimilated and integrated knowledge, or of a set of convictions - my utterances, judgements, opinions, beliefs, wishes, plans, analyses, comments, and narratives are ephemeral improvisations. Here today, gone tomorrow, unbeknownst to me.
Before I meet someone, I learn everything I can about him. I then proceed to acquire superficial knowledge that is certain to create the impression of genius bordering on omniscience. If I am to meet a politician from Turkey, whose hobby is farming, and is the author of books about ancient pottery - I will while away days and nights studying Turkish history, ancient pottery, and farming. Not an hour after the meeting - having inspired awesome admiration in my new acquaintance - all the facts I so meticulously memorized evaporate, never to return. The original views I expressed so confidently vanish from my mind. I am preoccupied with my next prey and with his predilections and interests.
My life is not a thread, it is a patchwork of chance encounters, haphazard exams, and the drug of Narcissistic Supply consumed. I feel like a series of still frames, somehow improperly animated. I know the audience is there. I crave their adulation. I try to reach out, to break the mould of the album of photographs that I became - to no avail. I am trapped in there forever. And if none of you chooses to inspect my image at a given moment, I fade, in sepia colours. Until I am no longer.
(From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/the...)
This talk explains much behind the narcissist's ability to quickly and coldly discard "romantic" partners. Looking back on the weeks leading up to my discard, my ex was getting more and more forgetful when it came to anything to do with me. On top of that, he announced on social media that he donated to a charity involving whales. He soon vanished from my life by not calling, not answering calls....just dropped out. Not long after his rebirth as a whale benefactor, I learned he had taken up with a woman who was involved with the charity he had donated to. This video taught me why!
It had astonished me during my time with him that he remembered virtually nothing about his youth except for "facts" sure to impress me: becoming a skier at 13, becoming a gymnast at 15, track star at 17, graduating high school a year early. The only memory of his younger childhood that he ever chose to share was one involving him surviving falling off a hilltop at age 7. Apparently he was the only kid brave and strong enough to attempt such a climb. This event, I believe, was hand picked for me as an was an example of his budding greatness.
I don't know anyone else that can discuss the subject of narcissism as accurate or as deep as Sam Vaknin. I'm amazed that he can continue to come up with this very impressive material to share with us. Sam is truly an Expert, above any others in the field.
He is an 'expert', because he has been medically diagnosed as having 'narcissism'...
Raven4508 was just going to say this here
So, this is why you can be a broken record for years and they will never get it.
I have experienced this in a mild form. My N would often say, "We did this." Or "Remember when....". I was never a part of these memories but by that stage when things were really falling apart for them, I had come to the conclusion there was nothing to be gained by correcting them. I often wonder who the memories referred to if anyone.
Had I known about this one (of many) red flags years ago. My ex was very open about the fact that he didn't remember much of his life but said this was because he took so many psychedelics in his youth. In 17 years, the only time he was confronted with his true self was when he was in deep withdrawal from opiate addiction. Only one memory haunted him - the campaign he had waged with his mother to get her to discard his older (also addicted) brother. He broke down in tears wondering how he could have been so heartless. He didn't remember this moment of clarity after recovery.
Fascinating. Those of us involved in animal "rights" or other compassionate causes will often get this sort attaching themselves in that self-satiating way you speak of, like a "scientist" studying some caged victim. They glom on to study empathy, love, etc., which they're so curious about, also learning how better to feign those emotions. We should all be very wary of these people as their real purpose is to suck the life out of you, leave you feeling defeated and hopeless. When their claws come out of hiding, their viciousness knows no bounds. Suicide of others seems something that would make such a narcissist feel most powerful...the ultimate "accomplishment."
Shalom Sam , brilliant as always ! Also timely as I could not understand how my abuser could forget what I would consider the most traumatic event in our relationship ? So ,disorder appropriate behavior ? Your words are medicine for me and others I'm sure , may you be blessed ; )
A very interesting analysis. Thank you
When you say it’s all about narcissistic supply, I think of it in terms of emotional attachment. When emotionally attached to the outcome, it matters enough to remember? When not, it’s immediately discarded? It makes sense that memory recall would be more difficult for someone fragmented. In my last relationship with a narcissistic man, I remember feeling that there were way too many memory lapses that could not be explained as gaslighting, manipulative or intentional. As if I was feeling his discomfort in his inability to recall certain facts from memory. I deduced that it was as if he was constantly dissociating, emotionally detaching. Emotional memory seems longer lasting, the last to fade in patients with dementia.
Does the Narcissist Have a Multiple Personality (Dissociative Identity Disorder)?
groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4950
Sam Vaknin Thank you so much! I also found another article of yours “The Losses of the Narcissist” where you discuss the ability to un-be. “He is never fully there, entirely present, irreversibly committed. He is constantly with one hand on his emotional escape hatch, ready to bail out, to absent himself, to re-invent his life in another place, with other people.” “I am never sad. I never stop to think "what if", to derive lessons, to obtain closure. I am not pretending, nor am I putting effort into this selective amnesia. It happened serendipitously, like a valve shut tight. I feel proud of this ability of mine to un-be.” Poetically you describe a superpower that surprises even you.
Now I’m also curious about the prevalence of other dissociative symptoms, especially early childhood, such as sleepwalking, imaginary playmates, etc. Just curious if you note any interesting patterns or if it’s even relevant to the intake process before attempting cold therapy?
its funni tht im just finding this shit out at the sexy age of 30.........but i jus fukkin cant. this shit gon hve me locked up. i feel srry for pple who hve suffered this kind of life but wht i wont do is .....become a victim. be strong ma bbys
Sam, 5:36 "There is no me" is actually a Buddhist realization of truth.
Losing long term memories and short term memories is a well known result of the stress and trauma of child abuse or any abuse; also of medications.Additionally the mind cannot hold onto knowledge that it deems unnecessary for survival, if one is undergoing depression, stress, anxiety disorders, etc. Also if one doesnt use a particular knowledge often, it slowly dissipates from memory- after 6 months everything is gone. And when reading our own journals we have no recollection of having written it - this is why we write journals- so that we can look into our self and learn who we are. Compartmentalization is when different aspects of our lives are separate from one another; where we forget about one aspect while we experience another.
Julie Meibaum "There's no me" philosophy of narcissist is an escape technique to absolve him of all responsibility and failure. The "there's no me" philosophy of Buddhists is not escape anything it is just realization that the definitions I put on myself and the person who think I'm is nothing but a thought, it's just another way of saying thoughts are not reality.
The Buddha do not take himself seriously, for example if you try to humiliate a Buddha there's no guarantee he will react at all. It's not a big deal for him. That's not the case at all with narcissists they plot their revenge and constantly irritated by their anger towards people.
A Buddha has nothing to gain from anything, a narcissist is a direct opposite. He is all about taking advantage of people.
This is so helpful thank you 🙏
What about someone who constructs their own memories of events that are slightly different or completely different from proven events? I know that people's memories change based on how much attention they were paying to the event, physical or emotional perspective, as well as time spent with wishful thinking about what they want to have happened. But what about a person who absolutely insists that their memory is the right one and everyone else is remembering wrong?
Narcissist's Warped Reality and Retroactive Emotional Content samvak.tripod.com/narcissismreality.html
Thank you very much.
I think this kind of "selective memory" is also about narcissistic supply. And in both cases you can clearly see a social and emotional disconnection to other people. If you ever become a victim of it, let their memory stand as it is, you will never be able to change or get an agreement. Never fight it. Such a person might even want you to feel guilty and plead for forgiveness, but you shouldn't give into it. Or, if you feel it is a dangerous situation, apologize just for the sake of getting out of the dangerous situation. Then move on as quickly as possible, especially emotionally. Often, the narcissist will see it as a huge offence and never contact you again, no matter how close you were before.
NiNi Na Going through that right now with my daughter. She insists I wasn't present during an event for which I absolutely was. I tried to correct her on it and she went ballistic DARVO and word salad until I had to hang up the phone. She hit me with a barrage of texts for almost 3 hours until 2:00 in the morning calling me every name in the book. She turned out to be a narc like her step monster who tried the whole time I was with her to sever the bond between father and daughter (including running to a certain sleezbag for sex every time my daughter's name was mentioned). She didn't sever my bond, but apparently succeeded wrecking my daughter's. My daughter claims I severed mine with her and that I'm a coward and charged me with protecting her half siblings while going silent treatment in the middle of a custody case. Thanks for the support. Turns out what you don't know or understand (at the time) CAN hurt you. I apologized profusely to no avail. The real deal is that narcs, no matter how attached you are/were to them, deserve a kick in the pants, not a pat on their victimhood back through an apology. Its like when a zombie bites another person and they become a zombie also. They're not human anymore, no matter how they got that way. NO CONTACT, NO APOLOGIES!!!
Hey ,I’ve got that same shirt.. Nice!
Hi Sam, There is the idea that those can age out of narcissism...How would the memory lapse work in a situation like that? Do they have spotty memories of the past, will they now have less of a selective memory, can they recognize the issues around their previous selective memory. Curious as to if you've come across conversations with recovered narcissists on this topic.
+Bean6261 There is no such thing as a "recovered narcissist". Narcissism is not the flu. Read these: samvak.tripod.com/journal54.html, samvak.tripod.com/faq39.html, and samvak.tripod.com/journal20.html
Probably not the same thing, but I've noticed that I usually do not remember alot of things that I've written.
When reading my journals, or even yt comments. I'm constantly amazed & also semi-confused by what appears to be some others writing. (I'd be surprised if it only effects my writing, I'm sure I've yet to realize many more unconscious/forgotten things.)
I'll likely have difficulty recognizing that I wrote this.✌😅🤘
They make promises to you involving money that will (presumably) be paid for services you are performing. When the time comes for them to fulfil their promise, they conveniently say that they don't remember saying that!
Narcissists don't have friends...just sources of supply!
Idk but I was paranoid all the time with mine. Lied all the time before and hurt me so bad .. made me become aware watching him. He felt it but it’s cause he came back the second time again.. he lied about a wife I took him back in another contry she was .. and he promised a life with me and kept feeding it to me I guess then got tired again cause of my pain he caused me and he knew it but used my past against me even though he was literally doing the same thing .. he’s a liar and I feel for it I’m stupid and it sucks. I wonder do they forget things about you and that’s why they come back? Re idolize you and come back again?? Especially if he has two sources I guess for now idk
It is about the narcissistic or the narc's victim? :/
Sam what about turning optimistic as means for a cure? Can there be an optimistic narcissist? Could having a positive outlook on life affect this personality disorder?
SAM what about narcissism and motivation?
Pathological Narcissism - A Dysfunction or a Blessing? samvak.tripod.com/narcissismdysfunction.html
the definition of thirsty