What is "narcissistic amnesia"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
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- Опубліковано 12 тра 2020
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I have to watch videos like these often to remind myself that what I experienced was REAL and i'm NOT INSANE.
I know. My husband thinks I get triggered by these videos - he's seen my family in action - and perhaps I relive things a little more than I care to when I listen....but knowing I am not alone, knowing other people understand the scenarios, means so much to me. Take Care!!! You are NOT insane!!
I need to watch these videos so I stay on guard. People don't understand needing to be reminded.
Same ❤ healing prayers sent
@@jspaingreene6350 same here.... I feel very alone with it all and alt angry or guilty or insane 🙋
@@bereal6590 I didn't get a notification when you responded. Thanks for your note! I hope you're doing well!!
“I don’t remember that!”
Well of course you don’t, it traumatized me but for you it was just another Thursday.
Yep 😢
Exactly! Now that I'm progressing in my therapy and learned that I was raised to mistake bullying for love, I can totally see how his shitty behaviour was just another Tuesday for him.
😂😂😂😂😢
Umm, yeah, but they do remember.
The worst feeling of knowing that they don't even realize how they hurt you... so they never learn... yet still unacceptable
There is also reverse amnesia....they also conveniently don't remember the good things you do for them.
Spot on
100%
Oh yes.
or very important things for you. Once we ended up at the police station because my mum forgot that she hid money somewhere and then blamed my best friend with stealing it. Caused so much grief. Ruined my relationship with my bestie and her family. Only to conveniently to find the money right in her purse!! Then she didn't apologise and even refused to take responsibility that this happened. She said my friend should be understanding. If she really was a good friend, she would not ask for apology. Oh y mother forgot so many things that were important to me as well as the things I did for her or for our family. I went no contact 11 years ago and it was the best thing I have ever done!
Me to my ex narc:
- I even slept with you on the fucking floor so that you dont feel alone sleeping there!
- How do you remember such things?
...
Not only do they “forget” what they did, they never recognize what you feel.
This is the most hurtful part🙋
Damn, that sentence is the deepest, most beautiful, true, and depressing one I have ever read in the comments section! You took those 14 words, and arranged them like, whoa! Well put! Very nice!
I love Ramini, she touches on every angle and situation. The hardest lesson for me was learning 'when to let go' ...for me it was a parent I always longed for acceptance from, nothing mattered if my mom didnt care about me, I couldn't have a normal life with a mother like her, watching my friends moms b decent/or wonderful people felt like a dager in the heart reminder that I'll never have a decent mom. My child won't have a grandma the way I did, I had to learn the hard way that my child will be treated the same as I was (different from all my siblings and mu siblings kids. I couldn't watch my child deal with the confusion and hurt that my mom put me through.. Letting go was extremely hard, but 3 years later I'm doing better than I've ever been, EVER, in every way. Especially emotionally, but also financially, relationship wise (friends, relationships, trusting) it's peaceful and not lonely. K accept she can never take any accountability and I accept her unwillingness to change, so there's nothing else to say.
1000% and they repeat the hurtful behavior and ignore your boundaries.
They enjoy making you suffer ... they are sadistic evil parasites
Since narcs are so inclined to forget I’d like them to forget me altogether.
That would have been great! We would have been much better off!
😂
Oh they do. Don't you worry about that. The ones without insight will automatically do it.
PLEASE!
My favorite statement from my ex narc was 'I never said/did that' literally within seconds or minutes of him saying or doing it. True craziness...
I don’t look at it as “crazy.” It’s so much more about forgetting anything inconvenient for them to remember...and take responsibility for.
With mine, he would deny what he said literally in the next sentence. Over and over again in the same conversation. It’s part of the word saladry which goes down the rabbit hole into bizarro world. Gaslight, gaslight, gaslight. He liked to tell people how I was so crazy and couldn’t let go of little mistakes he made (which of course he never stopped making). I so desperately wish to stop thinking about that monster.
Yes
My ex narc used to say 'That never happened'.
It always happens with my husband.. this narcissistic amnesia is more frustrating than what they originally said/did.
And he remembers everything which i said..surprisingly even things which i never said..🤣
The worst is when they claim not to remember, then when you push them on it and force them to admit that they remember, they'll then try to justify it. Inevitably their justification starts with 'it was your fault'
"Well, if I did say that then I probably meant it like this - not the way you interpreted it." 🙄
@@personneici2595 Yes that's exactly that 😢
That’s so true and I’m just realising everything I type in on what is happening in my life with a narcissistic partner Dr Ramani has answered
Also now I’ve realised my parents were narcissistic too
I’m so sad knowing all this and now I know what to do now
If I knew then what I knew now my life would have been different
You guy on this forum are brilliant thank you ❤
@@George-wx5nv The old me feels like a ghost. I was never really alive.
@@personneici2595 sooo true. Exact words too.
They forget everything you've done FOR THEM, IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH.
👍👍👍 so true
If you remind the narc of something they did in the past to hurt you, you will see recognition in their face, also panic. Then they immediately twist it around and say something you did to them. It's always ten times worse than what they did to you. Then that is what gets focused on and your initial point is lost. You're not allowed to be mad or grieve over their past treatment of you.
Yep, exactly. I know there are a lot of theories floating around, but seriously, how can they all be the EXACT same???? It's creepy and I'm really starting to wonder if it's supernatural at all. These are all very different people with very different upbringings but they all act/say/do the exact same things. *Chills😨
I was told all I do is sit around and stew about old stuff.... ( I'm not apologizing for remembering)
I felt this
Bonnie Irvin
Everything’s a competition, even your feelings, lol
I love it. I always got, “That was then. This is now. ” (except it never stopped and he never changed). Or “just exactly when was the last time I lied to you!?” (Umm, how about yesterday? Or this morning?).
They also seem to remember the tiniest detail of every slight anyone has ever done to them too
Yes!
Every single narc I know is like that. They remember who hurt them in the 4th grade, what they were wearing etc. They hold on to hurt forever.
That also could be Asperger syndrome. Or people that are very sensitive. With narcissists it’s more about the selectivity of the memories
Then there’s a condition called Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory or Hyperthymesia - but it only affects about 60-80 people in the world so it’s really rare.
Silly Me my bloke must have it 🙄🙈
My narc never remebered his bad actions but he would remember every “mean” thing I did to him and point it out anytime he could.
My narcs favorite is "IF" i did that I'm sorry. Knowing flat out they said and did something heinous.
This is a meta gaslight - they’ll argue that counts as an apology and you’re crazy and demanding for wanting a genuine apology. If you ask again they will insist they “already apologized.”
@@youtubename7819 yep, he says he's already apologized all the time.
The tree remembers.
The axe forgets
Wow! I will remember that... Thanks “Tartarian MUDCHILD”.
It’s kinda weird how they only have amnesia for the bullshit you call them out on
You got it!
Nice, so very true.
Powerful statement.
This was one of the most validating twenty minutes of my life.
I Feel you!
Same
amin
True dat
Sorry that y'all can relate, because it means this awful stuff is more common than I thought, but also we're not alone, and we weren't fabricating things to be "difficult" *sigh of relief* There's a good chance that they have walled off their abuse (and my abuser was definitely a drug addict) and genuinely don't remember. But they're also not concerned that you contradict their reality. I think because of the self-concentrated power trip, like, why they hell would they care if you're wrong about them? These folk are just waiting for me to come around. But they shouldn't wait up.
I hate it when he can NEVER remember putting his hands on me, hurting me, making physical threats against my life & threaten to burn my house down...threatened to bury me or pulling a knife on me...he NEVER remembered doing any of that
Yes narcisssists tell others to forgive, forget, or 'it never happened.'. Even with witnesses, they will stand firm with amnesia.
They love witnesses (an audience).
My boyfriend told me something like this recently in an argument. "Proof or it didn't happen" when I was trying to bring up how something awful he'd did had made me feel.
They also remember perfectly any time you have hurt them.
Well of course they do .... it fits their victim narrative perfectly... now their laundry list of misdeeds that’s a different story ( enter amnesia)
Wilma Dague Well you and both know they do. But they don’t bring it up exactly as it happened. They embellish the truth to make themselves a bigger victim and you a bigger bitch.
*Monika:•*• see that charm you speak of Monika. That is the most dangerous thing about a narcissist. That’s what sucks you in in the first place and it’s what keeps you there. You always live in hope that Prince Charming will come out and stay out if only you try harder to please.
He doesn’t and he never will. That charm is pure evil.
And never let you forget
Exactly it printed on their wicked mind.
The narcissist in my life would totally deny every horrific shitty thing she’s ever done to me, to our relationship, to our family and then turned it around and blamed me for everything. They have no accountability, responsibility nor are able to understand the consequences of their actions . That forgetfulness is a lie. They know exactly what they’ve done but have created a false reality world and are under a state of psychosis that burries their bad behavior and further continues the cycle of abuse . Because the moment they are forced to acknowledge the truth , recall and admit to these forgetful events , it shatters their fake world perception and then they realize they are the monster
Spot on . thank you
...I feel you...going thru the same Shits!
My question is : Do they ever regret or feel sorry?
No they are never sorry for what they do
They also have a way with words everything is a matter of fact and their way or the highway very set in their ways
This really made me realize that I’m not crazy and I feel lighter after watching this. My mother did this to me my whole life and now I think I can take the steps towards healing my mind, thank you.
Same but I've only realised in recent years, I'm 56 they're in their 80's. My father the volatile scary raging narc, now realise he wasn't my problem my mom was in making me accept it and never question it plus her own brand of passive aggressive punishment. What's totally galling though is she will call him out to me! Complain yet I'm not allowed to say anything negative. Double whammy! Sick of it ✌
when it happens with my mom, she goes full beast mode and starts yelling at me "Liar! Liar!". She's being doing this my whole life. Imagine being a 10 year old child and having to experience that...
That sounds traumatizing. Sounds like you had to grow up fast because she reacted like a damn child
We hear you today. Loud and clear.
I'm with you. As I got closer to 13 it changed to, "slut! Whore!" Despite my intact purity...
At 59 I can not only relate to your hardship but (like yourself) could ALSO articulate a lifetime of unimaginable abuses by my/our famdamnlies
I've been called a liar too by some of my narcissistic family too. Some even set me up to make it look like I stole things or hid stuff.
Does anyone's else narcissist when confronted say" I don't know what you want me to say", usually combined with a shrug.....
Pure evil.
Susie Williams
The X “ What would you like me to say? “
Forcing me to Spell It Out for him 😠 Infuriating !!
How bout the truth for a change!
"Well, go see a therapist" is another option
Yes. I liken their strategic tactics to "witchcraft". They are masters of the art of trickery & deception. Like award winning actors & actresses - narcissists are better than Hollywood's best!
Oh yes and don’t forget, “I’m not sure, maybe, I’ll get back to you, we’ll see, possibly, I’ll let you know” and many more. Mine had an MBA and could negotiate million dollar contracts but ask her why she was on a dating app flirting with men it was like talking to a 3 year old.
All the time, 55 years of it.
"When did I say that??"
"I don't remember that."
Yeah, Mom was a piece of work.
And took the words out of my father's mouth as it seems...
@Tal Benavraham I did NOT say that!! You’re crazy!
Oh You must have heard me differently! You're always exaggerating.
I believe they remember, and probably get off that they got away with it.
“Does that evening SOUND like me?” Yep, it actually does, mom.
It's a double whammy when the narcissist twists the story and puts words in your mouth that you've never said, then they could say the same about you that YOU are the one denying having said things that honestly did not happen.
“It can also play on a sense of guilt ...” OMG YES!!! I still struggle with a “guilt” reaction with certain behaviors and actions when dealing with narcissists. I have to literally play back a situation over and over to make sure I wasn’t the one in the wrong ... it’s so messed up!
Soo me!
The narcissist will say "I never said that" "oh that's nothing" or change the subject when you are trying to hold them accountable for their behavior or pretend not to know what you're talking about.
Mine always says “that didn’t happen”. Or he was joking. Or points fingers at me for what he’s done.
He is a war vet tho.. I wonder if it’s some sort of ptsd bc I knew him growing up & he seemed fine.
6 yrs in an alcoholic live in was hell just gain my freedom. He wld act like nothing happened. So i started taking pics n showing him what mess he created... times when he shouted at me n then turned the volume on... they dont want to listen to ur side of sanuty. Total asshole m free now.
OMG the changing the subject thing makes me go insane.
Yep story of my childhood for 67 years!
@@oliviajae298
Yup. The rapid fire changing subjects.
Its designed to make you forget about what the initial topic was.
My mom’s favorite line is “I never said that.” Then after going back through the details of the story she will blame it on me while still denying that she said it.
"That never happened and anyway, you're remembering it wrong!"
"I would NEVER say something like that to you, and if I did I'd be justified!"
This was my narc's favourite line!
@@laurelgardner "I Didn't Do It ... but If I Did, Here's How" (or words to that effect) ~~ O.J. Simpson
even when you have it in text and screenshots
This is amazing! My father has conveniently forgotten the sexual abuse I was submitted to as a child. When I raised it at age 54 he went into a rage. Its another form of gaslighting.
:(
I believe you
I believe you too.
Funny, "narcissistic amnesia." Dead on. Everyone that I've deemed narcissists in my past have 2 things glaringly in common:
1) They can't and wont apologize for anything ever.
2) The have very convenient memory and lapses of memory.
This is also what I am experiencing with my Mum:
1)
Me: "Hey Mum, I heard this from you and it hurt me. Did I understand you correctly?"
Mum REPEATS the insult
Me: "Mum that really hurt me. Do you understand?"
Mum: "Well then you didn't understand me correctly. I don't think I need to apologize. You just understood me wrong"
2)
And then when I tell her that she never apologizes. She tells me that she can either not remember these situations or she deflects and plays the "why is everyone so mean to me?? I get it, I am the evil one in the family." Most of the time the confrontation leaves me in a foggy zone where I doubt if I remember it correctly.
Or she brings something unrelated up that happened a million years ago where I said something hurtful. Most of the time I cannot remember it but I am sure I apologized for it...
@@jean-mariodraxler9025 Ugh!! I know how you feel!! Ditto, over here except that I made an adult pattern of inviting narcissists into my life, repeatedly... Hugs!!
So true... especially the non apologising part.
Covert ones will when trying to win your back.
@@christianone6611 Oh yeah, the empty, fake apology, I forgot about those ones...
They make you feel like you’re the crazy one.
They make you the crazy one...very hard to escape though
ua-cam.com/channels/rm82-tPLRZZhyikGqyK7Yw.html
If someone does this mor than once to you run for the hills.
jeepwoman64 no contact is the best option ...
Yep! Almost daily 😒
My husband responds with “stop digging up the past” and then rationalizes and justifies the abuse. But, of course, he remembers everything he thinks anyone ever did to him all the way back to childhood.
Yes fucking facts
Divorce time
Yes!
ua-cam.com/channels/rm82-tPLRZZhyikGqyK7Yw.html
Oh yes
It got to the point that when her calls showed on caller ID. I began recording them. The proof was undeniable. The rage, the blaming, her disappointment over literally nothing would build her into a narcissistic rage. How bad is it to begin recording your own mother? Really really bad!
No, it's not bad at all.
It's absolutely crucial for your own sanity to record her, in this situation, and a very good practice.
Narcissists' "minds are like a trophy case for the few good things they did." This simile wins the internet.
My mom perfected this amnesia to perfection. When I called her out she played the victim.
me 2
I know the feeling
I have the same mom.
You're NOT alone... unfortunately for all of us
Same here.... even the things easy to proof are denied
“When you bring these things up you’re considered petty, as someone who cannot stop dwelling in the past, as someone who cannot let go” THANK YOU DR.RAMANI for finally bringing this up I’m so tired of people telling me to let go of the abuse and trauma I’ve faced for years. It feels so invalidating.
paleobc65
IKR, Blameshifting sucks
Or the religious ones that say you HAVE to forgive and forget or God won't forgive you. Apparently it is not necessary for them to be sorry....
exactly!! petty, pathetic, joke, joke of a mother, all possible bad names..,
I always heard "Don't DWELL on it" a lot. All it really meant was "Stop noticing it."
Meee toooo.
Dr. Ramani understands Narcissism to such an extent, the depth of her compassion & understanding regarding the subject- ESPECIALLY on this topic makes me cry! I swore I was the only one who endured this. God bless you channel!
You are not alone
The weirdest thing is that when we bring up our concerns it isn't about blaming anyone, it's about fixing an unbalanced relationship. It is the narcissist who has some kind of cognitive dissonance with it. As if other people having concerns is flat-out offensive.
The amnesia can also work in reverse! Countless times I’ve pushed down or “ forgotten” their bad behavior and hurtful words, because i desperately wanted them to be the good and loving person i had created in my mind. These ppl are truly an illusion-filled with traits and qualities we WANT them to have, but sadly never will.
Exactly Barb N. My duped deceived adult sister desperately longed for a good mother (ours was the Narcissist mom). When my sister was in her 20's and 30's she remembered the ugly things my mom did and said to her. But my Narc mother brainwashed her so thoroughly the next 20 years that my sister now has selective amnesia about the abusive bad stuff mom did to her and our whole family. My sister has a desperate need to "pretend" our mother was a good person, and she now denies reality. We buried my 95 yr old mother 2 weeks ago, so my sister clings to her false illusion of our mom, rather than face the truth. Very sad. For my sister and brother: mom wins while she was alive!! And even after she passed away, she still wins with them, they are in deep denial!!! I am no contact with my brother, and very limited contact with my sister. They have taken on mom's narcissistic mantra in words, deeds, attitudes, and behavior. Very sad.
Very true
@@jeanetteredden24 remember that it isn't on who is "winning" or not. This "winning" mindset, and this wish to want to make them open their eyes might make me say something hurtful to you (here goes), but you only need to control what is in your control.
They'll learn, or won't, but it's not on you to force that outcome.
We forget that we are mentally fighting a evil entity... We forget what it could look like and how we could experience it. Satan is sly and smooth and dont want to be detected. That evil spirit took over them years ago usually childhood something that happened that allowed the entity to grow strength. Then over time there is only a false self that does not understand love in the depth that is on a healthy level. Satan is not able to offer you real love he can only offer you what he is.. Its almost like narcissist sociopath and psychopaths all need exorcism.. Honestly just think deeper. Videos coming soon
Barb that resonates and that's a biggie. That hope...despite all evidence to the contrary...is what keeps us trapped & sucks the life out of us. It's so freaking hard to grieve the death of that hope and my heart goes out to everyone that struggled or that is struggling with this. It tears you up. Turns you inside out & the pain is unlike any other. It is, however, a first step for going no contact, the ultimate rewards of which lie in a brand new chapter as you develop & exercise the freedom to orchestrate the life you deserve. No one here is alone. createne.
When I confronted my mother about how she abused me during childhood and how invalidated it made me felt, she said she didn't remember. That was the trigger to cut her from my life. I wrote her that she was still the same invalidating person, that she will always be responsible of what she did to me in my childhood, that I succeed in life thanks to myself and despite her mistreatment, that forgave her because I want to live peacefully and that she did that from a place of pain and that I wanted her out of my life. It was the saddest and most empowering moment of my life.
My mother is the same way. I always had to say sorry for things I did not do. I have no contact for 3 years. Saying I forgiven her, made me free.
Growing up there was abuse in the home e.t.c when I mentioned it to my mom what my step dad or one of my bro doing she for the most part wouldn't do anything or she doesn't remember me telling her. 😔 she says she has memory problems now....I'm like what about than?!
Linda B B just explained my life ... so sorry for you hun. My journey to freedom was a little different.... I couldn’t help but tell her the cruel truth before I left.
Mine doesn't remember either but she sure is quick to remember my bad parenting of my son, and so quick to encourage him to no contact me.
Ae you also holding your mother responsible of all other people who hurt you along the way isn't the responsiblity of others their own?
4:48 They definitely know what they did. You see it in their "I got caught"-reaction if you call them out for it.
They think that wanting and 'trying' to be a good person equals experiencing it.
They also choose to “forget” just certain conversations they had with you, things they brought up they want to do, sometimes how they said they would do this or that, or get you this or that. They almost use it as a gaslighting technique, and make you feel like you are going crazy. “I never said that I liked hanging out with them.”, “ I never told them that about you, or I never said they told me that.” It’s never ending and I’m so happy I’m out of it, well mostly.
My mom “forgot” about how she made me walk outside, wet and bloody and crying in our neighborhood (14) and I had to wait in front of the front door until she opened it. She said: I don’t remember that happening.
She also told me I left, and wasn’t kicked out, and said I didn’t tell you to get out of my house, I told you go away, as in ‘get away from me right now’. I was floored when she said this! I had gotten home late from work and was washing my face and she started banging at the door and yelling at me about wasting water (not unusual behavior) but I told her I would pay for it I was just washing my face, I’ll pay for the bill. This is not what she wanted to hear, obviously, but I was tired and not up for playing the game. Anyway, she told me to get out of her house. Started screaming at me to leave. And I did. And didn’t talk to her for months. Now, years later, she is saying I left on my own!! And that she got mad because I was screaming at her through her door! And then that I just refused to talk to her. It’s insane! Not to mention I have family who remembers her saying she didn’t think I would actually leave. So... lol I just felt like I was going crazy when she was telling her version. Like no mom you kicked me out because I spoke up for myself when you were screaming at me for washing my face. I will not let you rewrite that. It’s so infuriating and makes me feel nuts. She doesn’t “remember” anything! And then what she does remember, she twists to make it about me or tells me it doesn’t matter and I need to stop bringing it up.
She Cannot Change. Please don't waste any of your life thinking that something you do or say can help her get better. It will be groundhog day forever.
I feel for you. Reminds me of my mum cold criticism and denial. All we can do is to accept that they are as they are, they have their issues and not let them affect our life and happiness.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I can totally relate.
I don't know how old you are but you have to get away...and get some help from a knowlegeable therapist..or at least live in a safe environment while you start living a valid life away from the crazies...
I am alone..but free..IT IS WELL WORTH IT...BUT A LONG JOURNEY...IT ONLY HURTS IN THE BEGINNING...
THE EFFECTS OF THE ABUSE WILL HURT FOREVER TO ONE DEREE OR ANOTHER...BUT
DIN'T LET IT KEEP HAPPENING..GET AWAY
@@aafm This is so beautifully written - thank you for sharing. I wasn't in my right mind when I left home and hurt other people, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I finally got it right but it took decades, and I have to admit that I took the negativity I learned at home and inflicted it on others for awhile. I'm sorry for your hurt. I am happy for all of us on this thread that we have awareness and each other.
Yup, they can remember every single detail of their glory days or achievements, but forget a conversation or request they had that morning about the needs of others. They are such jerks, it is best to avoid them at all costs.
Schwa Conspiracy
In my experience, I literally thought the narcissist had a brain disorder, given the selective amnesia on devastating behaviours. But with time, and perfect recall of their stellar deeds - I saw right through! This video totally validates this experience. Thank you Dr. Ramani !!
I thought my mother was getting dementia because her behaviour just did not make sense. But no. Tick tick tick for narcissism and then I realised she had always been the same , and her mother and her sister and her niece and her grandmother and her other daughters were all the same.
"Never discredit your gut instinct. You are not paranoid. Your body can pick up on bad vibrations. If something deep inside of you says something is not right about a person or situation, trust it."
Keanu Reeves
Saying “Get over it” & “Quit being negative” is invalidating. Good to know!
Classic. Sad, but classic.
sometimes. but when a narc brings up one of your mistakes it doesn’t matter how much shame you felt, and how much you grew from your mistake narcs are virtue signallers and will never let you live your mistakes down, because it’s convenient for their ego and falsified image to remember all the bad stuff you’ve done and forget about all the bad stuff they’ve done.
For a devastating betrayal he would say, "Let it go." "Get over it already." " You're pathetic, move on." Meanwhile, my heart was bleeding. My mind was confused. I was in pieces and didn't know who I was anymore.
Yes, it is extremely insulting.
@@GypsyCellist
Mine would say, "you need to stop obsessing over me cheating, you think about it more than I do. Stop having youre pity party."
Then would repeat the same shitty behavior.
Extremely insulting.
I am striving for narcissistic amnesia myself. The sooner I can forget all about this dude the better 😉
Goldilocks
Hahaaaaasaaaaaaa 🤣
Amen
Me too
Now that's a goal worth getting, I would mind some myself so I can get my mum out of my head.
Goldilocks that was great 😂
My mother has left me hanging EVERY SINGLE TIME I 've been through something traumatic. I could literally break down in tears and she would just stare at me blankly and maybe after some time she might offer a forced/feeble hug and then she'd mysteriously forget to check in with me after (on all three occasions *rolls eyes*) so I'm so over it. I tried for years (the past decade) to express that I needed support, that I wanted to be close to her, that I was hurting etc., politely but she never got it. I even tried to get family members involved - nothing worked. I just couldn't present it in a way that she'd get it until I realised (recently) that there wasn't a communication breakdown - she simply did not care enough to engage. I've spent the past two days binge watching these videos in tears. My holier than thou "super nice" mother ticks every single box of a covet narcissist. It's crazy! I thought my biggest hurdle in life was overcoming the ptsd from the trauma I experienced as a teen but it's not - it's the unhealthy patterns acquired from having narcissitic mother. The neglect/indifference from my mum is what really broke me. And now I'm starting to realise that my codepency/low self-esteem shows up in EVERY area of my life - in ALL of my relationships smh! Even at work! It's crazy! There's so much to process and improve. I'm INCREDIBLY THANKFUL that I haven't had kids yet. Thank you Dr Ramani for making these videos - they have honestly changed my life! You are a blessing!
When I've found myself in difficult relationships, I start journaling. It started during my divorce for legal purposes. It keeps me sane. I'll go years without having to journal, but when there is an upsetting pattern at work or with family - I write and date everything.
Amen. Journaling keeps me semi-sane. Lol. My current alcoholic narc husband started drinking heavy again in November 2019, 8 months after rehab. I have probably written volumes. 🙄
In my case the messenger and texts between my narc saved me, after the breakup these proved to me that I was actually right and not crazy and delusional.
I need to do this. The truth is I've tried to methodically forget everything... The problem is, it affects the things i want to remember.
This!!
Yes! Definitely keep a journal! A hand-written one, not like one on your phone which can be modified, deleted, or even uploaded. I found out the hard way...journaling has been very helpful for me letting things go and forgiving. I release my anger and frustration, confusion, and negativity while I'm writing, and afterword, I just "let it go." It's a great tool for this. However, I just started going back and reading them again. I should have been periodically re-reading them because had I not just let everything go, I would have seen a pattern of red flags!!! I would have seen where I told myself to "look out," or "unacceptable!" Yeah so my point is, keeping a journal is a good idea.
"Why can't you let it go" "You are such a drama queen"" Why do you always want people to keep thinking about you and your problems "" You are so selfish "
Anytime you try to remind them about their nasty words and how they hurt you.. This is how they treat you by guilt tripping you a
Nd we give in each time trusting them rather than us.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I am getting closer each day with your videos.
Nisha Sharma Also, they will call you out for being “Histrionic” for bringing up their past and current abuse. How dare you shame me for abusing you! It’s ridiculous.
@@emstagramss These people are disgust on earth
“It feels bad to drag up those old conflicts”, “why do i have to get over this with you again?”, “i know no one who keeps a list and adds to it any time someone does something wrong”, “i can’t believe you make a big thing of such fucking things”, “i honestly think that is crazy”, “just because i got pissed at you now and then is no reason to have a depressive cloud over you for days” - in response to me calling her out on frequent rage attacks for literally no reason, telling me to “shut up” in the middle of a normal conversation, or shouting at me in a public café because of a disagreement on something hypothetical and unimportant
You are so close
@@Ardistan667 i feel your pain. 😔😔
But now we're free and part of this beautiful community with a mentor and guide like Dr. Ramani. Happy days are ahead 😊🤗🦋🌹
The most scary thing I've experienced with my narcissist, is her forgetting her own bad behavior - but put it on me! Meaning - blending her life with mine, and telling me that I did the bad things she did.
Yikes! 😬
Projection
"those who can not remember the past are condemned to repeat it" This is great!
"you called me a shitty mom!"
"yeah, do you know why?"
"no. and I don't want to know"
that was the validation I didn't know I was looking for so I could distance myself from her.
Thanks for your video, my father and I find your videos incredibly helpful and validating with what happened when we lived with my mother.
I just went straight for the why.
@@gratefulgrapefruit2290 would've too, but I knew I'd be wasting my breath.
I could write a book on the amount of things forgotten during my relationship. By the end I was very confused about what happened and when. Someone put them all on an island together please.
Exactly lololol
I love when my husband talks to other people about all the places he’s took me and my family to but forgets all the arguing and rage getting there
Im very sorry you’re still going through this. You deserve a lot better! We both do.
Oh yes!! We’ve had such FABULOUS vacations! No screaming rages happened- not ever.
A classic from my ex when I pointed out his lies: He would say that I must’ve misunderstood what he said. Wow!
My husband would ask me if I ever saw a certain movie and it would be a movie we saw together. It's like we're not in the same relationship.
That does not mean he is a narcsissist. God! People not everyone is a narcsissist.
You aren't.
I think they remember: the good, the bad, and the ugly. They're just saying they don't remember in order to get them out of trouble.
Exactly!
They're full of lies and deceit! Anything, to run from a reality they don't want to confront. Zero, or very little empathy, almost as if they are dead on the inside.
Richard M They definitely dead on the inside. If I do something hurtful to you, my normal response to that is feelings of guilt and shame, which will naturally bring me to apologize to you. It’s not like this with narcs, they are incapable of having any sympathy, they are heartless and are true definition of evil.
“Well I couldn’t have treated you THAT bad ........ you wouldn’t still be here if I had “ 🧐
Not true! The abusive relationship is peppered with good, that's what keeps you hooked. Go "no contact" if possible.
Yikes 😬
Yup, like a opium addict. Chasing the dragon.
It will NEVER change. It will NEVER get better.
I experienced severe abuse amnesia from my parents. I ended up self harming just to have a physical record of the pain so I could even believe myself that it happened.
Brilliant video!
Their level of denial is so overwhelming
Their selective memory can inflict so much confusion for survivors
It's downright lethal!
“oh it wasn’t THAT bad, you overreacted.”
'Dont be so sensitive!'
Or you imagined it.
Gaslighting! DARVO!
Wow, for someone that loves me, they _sure_ know how to show it!
Just oozing with compassion!
this pisses me off , each time i hear this ... grrrr
"remembering the good things they did for you with supercomputer precision" 😂 😭
Polar Bear Editing
IKR,
Their good deeds are forever etched in their memory
Probably bcuz they are few and far between, lol
The good things were just the bait in the trap
..."bought you another writing tablet"...gee, thanks! so I can write about how miserable I am?....left it out in hall, for days, finally he wrote "for you" on it... sigh!!! this "lockdown" is doing me head in, shadowed, imitates/copies, follows, is destroying my spirit, but will not get my soul...
In one of your great videos you said "when you feel that you have to record your discussions with someone in order to prove that they actually said or did something, run away ". Well, that was a key phrase and the WOW moment that hepled me realise I was involved with a narc and I decided to get out! I watch the videos and feel that somehow "you had been watching us"
Thanks! You have been so much help!
It's getting more clear, selective amnesia. Conveniently they forget only about the bad stuff they have done. And even if you remind them in writing they would just dismiss it, and if they cannot deny they would say you're oversensitive, overreacting, have an emotional problem or even blame you for making them say or do things. Never take responsibility but would be quick to judge others or even ret angry for things they impute you....." thought". After all you started the relationship as soulmates, so they can read your mind....
The event they forget can be as little as an hour in the past.
And you will have a BIG fight if you bring it up!
I get so upset to think of all the years I tried to make someone else feel better when they were doing this to me, and hearing it put so plainly it's shocking how accurate it is. Here I was thinking I was going mad and I was the bad guy. It's crazy how they can play with your mind.
I don't believe for a second that they don't remember the bad things that they did. It's a convenient 'amnesia' and completely invalidating. They just don't want to have any accountability for their deplorable behaviors. I deal with this with my mother all the time. She "forgets" all the horrible things she said but she can recite to me word for word what I said to her during the same conversation.
I'm in a relationship with a narcissist for 11 years now. I came to a point where I literally recorded our conversations so I could go back and listen to what he said because when I call him out, he always says "I never said that", "that's not what I meant" or "if it ever happened, it's just your perception". Made me question my own sanity for more than a decade. It's so draining that I lost my will to talk to him. We have a child together and he is working overseas. I'm saving up and working my way out. Thank you Doctor Ramani.
In another video Dr Ramani said there is a very simple test to know if you are dealing with a narc ...... you feel the need to record your conversations :-/ Good luck to you
I did the same, I feel so much happier it's incredible
Super happy for you!!!
@@thoughtsondebt8046 Exactly. I felt that need with my first ex. I wonder if he was a covert narcissist. Something was definitely wrong with him. ~ It's from him that I learned to do things like screenshot conversations online and write things down immediately. And realize that if I feel the need to tape-record, that's a good sign to end a friendship or relationship.
@@elbywoggit6896 yeah I've learnt that if a relationship is making me feel crazy, then I don't need to work out what's going wrong, I just need to get out.
I call it selective amnesia. They select what they want to remember
I'm always me
IKR,
Self Serving
Selective Amnesia
How convenient to have a get out of jail free card to play constantly
I'm always me, yes...self serving amnesia.
My sister has narcissistic amnesia in spades and has my whole life
A remarkable memory for anything done TO her, but will conveniently forget anything ever done FOR her or BY her
I have long since given up on ever calling her out on any of her BS, because it's just frustrating and pointless, especially when she turns it around on me
Conveniently forgets all the things that make hi look badly but remembers every tiny detail of the bad things I’ve done- my head is spinning every time.
They use amnesia as their
“get out of jail free “card,
just like their insincere apologies. Both are used to their advantage as a green light to continue doing what they want, when they want irregardless.
Their apologies are filled with BUTS then they turn it all around on you.
My husband powerful tools are 'dont know', 'cant remember' , 'i m not like that or didn't do' . Plays too innocent. I learnt his Gaslighting behaviour after 18 years of marriage with two kids. Financially made dependent
Absolutely. I just wish I had known this was a "thing" sooner, to avoid having spent so much time trying to work out the puzzle of who they are, and who I am, in a world that is always defying what I was just promised, and erasing what I had just said.
@Lavanya it comes out as "I wouldn't do something like that" .... well why would I make it up?! Emotionally distancing is most important, because they've tried to control how you think about yourself. I worry it's ingrained in me, but if it was put into me it can be taken out. Changes the meaning of "fighting for your life" - codependency makes their goals, yours, and it's absolutely vile. I wish you the best in getting away from your narcissist in your heart, and of course in your physical life.
@@evitaietavir2096 along with human trials almighty blessings should also be accompanied. Else nothing in life works. Wherever I approached to seek help those professionals discouraged and sent me back home
I think there is also the piece that the narcissist has an impeccable memory for perceived slights or wrongs against them but is unable to recall any offense they caused.
So true
This is so true, like how can one act so oblivious to their wrongdoings, their abuse and lies . After being gaslighted for 2 yrs, the pain is really .....😭😭,
Sometimes I really wish I never met them. The sob stories, " victimization" and lies. Same person I cared for goes on to lie to everyone possible how I was the bad guy. I am really healing gradually but it ain't easy, sometimes it's a phrase, a name or a similar event and my God the memories start coming back. Like it's frustrating but when I remember the pain, the abusive behavior, the ability to remember not just good things they "tried" but the energy and charisma of smearing my name, the blame shifting, stonewalling, Gosh I remind myself that I was right I leaving. Sometimes I really want to just erase everything down to their names. In reality I'm happy I found out this information or else I would have thought I was just the liar, the destroyer of good things,....🙄, In all honesty I would have gone crazy, I even doubted myself for 2 whole years, seeking validation . It's been messy but I'm grateful for ur work and passion.
At least I can pat myself to sleep knowing that I'm not "mad" anymore.
Like seriously healing is gradual but I'm slowly getting better,happier and gladly hoping to become a thriver
OMG!!!
I can’t believe this actually a thing.
I would always tell the father of my children about how he gets “convenience amnesia”.
I told him that he conveniently forgets all of the horrible forms of abuse he has put me through and only remembers the good things he’s done.
And what’s crazy is now his whole family thinks I’m crazy because he has only told them how I’ve reacted to the abuse ( I was 19 when I entered this relationships do I was a lot less in control of my emotions, I am now 27) and not the horrible things he has done to me.
What’s even crazier is when he has discarded my children and I and I look for him to get answers or even fix things, his whole family helps him hide from the children( 1y and 4yrs old now) and I under the pretense that he is supposedly scared of me and that’s why he runs away.
To this day he has discarded us about 10 times and I get no help from his family.
This is a hell of a long journey. I still watch these videos and sometimes feel like I might be the narcissist from how much he has blamed me for his actions. There is a lot of work to be done, but I’d like to thank you Dr. for helping my young children and I get through such a difficult time.
Thanks so much for this, Dr.Ramani! I'm always painfully puzzled when my narc husband after doing something bad to me, not even apologizing, or just not following his words, be irresponsible was saying "I don't remember bad things, I concentrate on positives, not like you, always in negativity". This used to leave me speechless. It is clear that they lack morality and conscience.
Sounds like we have the same husband.
Wouldn’t surprise me if you did!
VeroNika - So frustrating! And then they feel superior because they have taken what they think is the high ground. You’re the bad one because you focus on negative things. They are such con artists!
VeroNika
Denial and gaslight citing moral superiority, double whammy 😖
When my ex cheated on me he acted like it didn’t happen and then when he finally conveniently remembered it happening he said “I suppose I had a slip of judgement”. Every day without him is brighter and better
That's not narcissism. That just being a cheater and a coward.
Continuous "lapses of judgment" are hallmark signs of an abuser.
Mine said "it's YOUR job to make it so I don't want to cheat." After he had an affair with my sons best friends mom, then afterward tried to ban them (the kids) from seeing eachother because he didn't want the reminder shining back on him.
Good God, that was probably time 1572 that I should have left within the hour and forever.
I'm sorry for what you have go though 😕...that being said than kyou for saying everyday with out him is a littl brighter it gives me hope.
Thank you for this! I am born into a family of narcissists and can remember both my sibling and parent playing this game with me. As a child, it left me with all the feelings Dr. Ramani described. While they haven't changed, I have. Dr. Ramani nailed it - the best defense is to be defiant in holding onto your reality. Expect the narcissist NOT to take responsibility when confronting. State your boundaries and then Grey Rock. Above all, continue to love yourself. The narcissist is your life doesn't deserve you. Take back your power!
You are the best! Thank you for sharing yourself unselfishly! When you do your life review, you will see all the souls you helped, including me!
My mother forgets most bad things her and my father did or twists it to my fault or im over reacting and remembering it wrong... both parents have a history of assault and physical abuse but ended up making up a bullshit story that i attacked my pregnant sister and told many other family members(i saw my father abuse my pregnant mother many times!).. i am pretty much no contact now and after nearly 40 years of mental and physical abuse i am so happy... it can be done.. i am proof... stay strong 🙏🏻
MrJimmypops Wow, I completely relate. We are not crazy and it isn’t our fault. They try to validate their crazy stories by telling it to extended family members. It is better to be detached because the moment you realize you are capable of having healthy relationships is life changing.
I am glad you could distance yourself from them. I am not there yet. I am so disgusted I can't even talk to them on the phone.
@@marina.todorovic it is hard but will get easier with each conversation you have with them.. approach the conversation with short answers.. yes, no, ok! Dont give them any ammo and if they turn on you just simply say ..ok im going now. Let them rant and rave and stress themselves out.. you must stay calm. It is tough to do i know.. but you will see a shift in their behaviour.. eventually they realise you wont play their game and they get bored.
MrJimmypops Me too, Babe!! Me too!!! My body even changed when I cut contact. My dimples came back, my hormones straightened out and I even grew a big bust. Interesting, isn’t it, how our bodies even shut down so as not to be threatening. I knew she always wanted me dead. Damn Bitch!
@@seld6019 oh my gosh yes my Narc Mother does this, its unbelievable how she can spread lies to cover up her selfishness throughout me and sisters childhood and now adulthood.
Our extended family think me and my sisters are monsters. When I ask my mother to please get counseling she makes every excuse not to. I have chose to love her from a distance
You: "You did/said this on day X month Y, and I felt hurt by that."
Genuine memory-loss: "I did that? Gosh, I apologize. I didn't remember it, but now that you say it, I'll try to keep that in mind. Feel free to point it out to me if it happens again."
Narcissistic amnesia: "NO I DIDN'T! I NEVER DID THAT! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF SUCH THINGS!"
OMG! You go from wanting to have a conversation with the person you love to feeling like you are in some twilight zone. You also wish you did not accept their manipulative apology the last time.
Ha! She just said 'twilight zone' lol. I commented before she got to that part lol
You forgot to add “you’re a liar! I would never do anything like that!”
@@phyre123 mine refrains from calling me a liar but definitely vehemently says "I didn't say that".
Joy Coker and you be looking like “I know you just said that that!!!” But they play you like you’re crazy.
@@phyre123 Right!?! Almost want to scream and beg God to expose this craziness smdh!
Wow!!! 😯🙀😵 It's SOOO good to know I'm not alone. My narc mother recently died because she smoked 15 packs a day her whole life. She was EXTREMELY abusive, and all the things I'm reading here. Thank you for speaking here....ALL of you. Truly 🌺🌺🌺
These videos are keeping me sane. ..I pause to try to express how grateful I am. Words fail me. Hopelessness, confusion, and dread, and all that goes with them become transformed into possibility, knowledge, and the will to act; a plan of action, and.. tearful relief. Thank you.
The deepest insight of a narc I ever witnessed: "Why would I admit that I have done something wrong if it puts me in a bad light???" With expression of deepest confusion. Genuine shock.
It was so ridiculous that almost funny. I kind of felt sorry for him at that moment. Nevertheless, he managed to destroy my life.
The true - not true factor doesn't exist to the narcs. All that matters is: does it serve their image?
similar thing here. My narc said "even if you provide the evidence I won't believe you, I would never do that".
@@thoughtsondebt8046 Truly crazy making, isn't it? Thank God we're awake to it now! What a sad existence with a narc...even worse? Being a narc!!
They’re so delusional they think they r very intelligent...like as if we don’t notice ALL their obvious flaws 🤪
Great comment. I've seen that genuine confusion about doing a behavior that most of us think is common sense or just good humanity. There's times they literally show real lack of comprehension. This is why I think deeply / energetically they are fundamentally of a different "nature" than us...
Ewa Eva Eve isn’t interesting how they really don’t know what they’re doing and how they tell on themselves all the time? When I first went no-contact and really learned about narcissism as a personality disorder, I made a list of all the times he’d told on himself straight to my face. Things that scream their lack of empathy, their sense of entitlement, and their need to exploit others for their own agenda? Truly unbelievable. And then you find yourself lecturing them on basic human decency, which in turn gives them a reason to have a temper tantrum, and then suddenly you’re the one at fault and the one apologizing. Un. Real.
Yes, thank you! They’ll selectively forget things that you tell them but can’t remember when you bring them up but they remember ever single thing you do and/or say and pick you apart.
Alana Smith yes 🙌🏾.
the most recent comment was 'I hear you going to the victim status again. It was ALL YOU" And gee I didn't give a big enough hug when they left. I was a wreck for hours. I am holding back giving explanation why I don't want to hug. I so need to go beyond this. Having a happy day and going to stay there.
I spent years in the twilight zone, I used to refer to them as my lost years. As time passes now, I have too much of respect for myself to ever allow that again in my life! Thank you for your excellent supportive videos 🙏
My best example of this is the Christmas when I was eleven. For weeks my mother had said she couldn't be bothered to cook dinner that year because 'it isn't worth it just for two people.' (Her sister had gone no contact so we weren't eating with her family and my dad was away working to support her credit card habits.)
I should have just got the message.
Nope. As my Christmas present to her I went out on my bicycle and bought a feast with my kids savings. Then got up early, stuffed and roasted a bird, little sausages wrapped in bacon, all the trimmings.
All morning I was in the kitchen while she ate chocolate after chocolate in the next room.
So, I laid a good table, decorations, napkins...more chocolate going in, I see.
When I served it all up, hot, sweaty, slightly burned in places but pleased with my efforts...She took one look, said 'I have a migraine' and went upstairs to bed.
Ah well. Me and the dog ate the lot sitting on the kitchen floor. Frankly we were glad to be safe from her. I think it was the best dinner my little dog ever had.
My point is. If ever I bring this time up the narc will make out that we made merry together with a wonderful spread like something out of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol.
That day was a real turning point for me. I thought 'Never trust her ever again. Grow up and get out.'
That must have been so heartbreaking.
@@sapphireblue222 Thankyou. It was heartbreaking but I try to think of the good part.
In doggie heaven a little spaniel is saying to her other doggie angels as they tuck in to the food of the blessed 'It's good but you never had those bacon wrapped sausages.' 😉
@@kathrynhamblin6479 good for you.
IKR,
You have to live it to really get it
but you have nailed it 👍
Living in a toxic family dynamic is extremely damaging on many levels. The sooner you can leave the better ❤️ Cheers!
Kathryn, no mom appreciation but even worse: no damn chocolates left for dessert 😡
You have given me back my sanity. Over 30 years now with a narc
Don't gaslight yourself. You were probably never really ill in the first place. There is nothing wrong with you. Just separate yourself from the narc no matter what it takes.
I feel the same way. I see everything so clearly now. I no longer feel crazy.
Having been invalidated by my now ex-narc’s amnesia, thank you Dr. Ramani for the validation. When I told my narc that it was important for my mental health to refresh his memory about the horribly abusive things he did to me (and for which I had proof), he told me he couldn’t hear it because it would be too traumatizing for HIM. (My narc was a professional at coming up with these warped and mind-blowingly selfish responses.)
1000% relate
My Sister has Perfect Amnesia! It is an absolutely AMAZING Circus ACT --"THE loss of MEMORY" and then she won't answer your ONE question, preferring to dive Straight into the blame shifting! THIS is her default setting!! MORE amazing ACTS!!
Thank you Dr. Ramani. This reminds me a little of gaslighting. Perhaps just another shape that Gaslighting takes.
That's what we get, alot of horrible memories....
What about the amnesia that the victim experiences just to cope with the narcissist in an abusive relationship.
Your comment just jumped out at me. I buried so many of the shocking things my husband said and did, all wounded so deeply. Now that he’s gone, all these incidents are flowing back to mind so vividly. I can see his rage filled face, his nasty words, my tears. Never did he say sorry. I reminded him of some of the most hurtful things he said, generally while very drunk, and he did remember, but again never apologised, hustled corrected me on the date on which he said “I’d have left you years ago other than I couldn’t afford to”! He then cheated on me for two years and then left!! Hooray for that! Peace at last as the blood sucker is gone.
@@freeasabird7564 I forget everything about a day after it happens. When people ask me to describe what he does I can't remember what he said. I hate it. I just sit here with the vague memory and feeling of being tortured. 😌 why does no one talk about this?
Very trrue. I put the emoitional abuse out of my mind while I was in survival mode.
For how long can you keep doing that and keep dying inside???
It is very true. I used to experience it a lot, but it has gotten better. It seems to happen when I think I can't escape a person or situation, although now I've been through too much to forget like before. As someone said, forgetting is about self-protection (obviously a childhood conditioning), only at some point it became too dangerous not remembering.
Contact zero and your life back, life changing, confidence back and rejuvenation. No one deserves a narcissist relationship.
Dr. Ranani...thank you explaining this. Today was another day of narcissistic amnesia with my sister. This video saved my sanity today. You are amazing and truly are helping this community of sufferers of this kind of abuse. Thus is so helpful !!
Dr. You just saved me from becoming a maddening house within my head!
You have to reality check yourself everyday with these people. Sometimes hourly to feel human.
So true.
My husband dropped me off at the hospital for surgery to remove half of my thyroid and left for two days for a golf tournament. I am so happy to learn that he is more than a smuck.
I have learnt that writing everything down, journaling, helps a whole lot!!!! I have been going through old journals (I journal a lot) and my goodness I still do not know why it took me so long to read them, some of the things I have accepted are downright unacceptable. It is horrible.
I remember when I first found out about gaslighting, I realized that I was being gaslighted by my now ex girlfriend. And I thought hey... How do I tell her about it... And then I realized the only way she would respond would be by turning it on me and telling me I'm the one doing the gaslighting... Gaslighting me with the very concept of Gaslight... So I kept my mouth shut and thank goodness I did. Eventually I got out
That is the most effective strategy...was so glad I learned not to say anything to them. I just tell my therapist.