10 Ways To Cope With the Borderline Rollercoaster
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- Опубліковано 15 чер 2024
- Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder switch back and forth from love to hate at the drop of a dime. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) refers to this as “alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.” This is one of the most confusing symptoms for loved ones to cope with. In this video, I explain the borderline love-hate rollercoaster and 10 things that can help you survive the incredibly painful lows.
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About Lise Leblanc
Lise Leblanc is a Therapist, Life Coach, and Author with over 20 years of experience in therapeutic, educational, and leadership roles.
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DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION IN THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE, DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT. All content is for general information purposes only and does not replace a mental health care of consultation with a health professional.
If you have thoughts about harming yourself, get help right away by taking one of these actions:
Call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.
Call a suicide hotline number. In the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) In Canada: 1.833.456.4566
Call your mental health provider, doctor or other health care provider.
Reach out to a loved one, trusted friend.
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE.
Introduction (0:00)
1: Intense, Genuine Emotions (1:22)
2: Not Their Fault (3:32)
3: Not Your Fault (5:29)
4: They Feel Guilt/Shame (7:13)
5: They Know Something is Wrong(7:53)
6: Trauma Bond (9:08)
7: It's Not Personal (10:31)
8: Emotional Dysregulation (11:30)
9: Things won't get better with increased effort (12:17)
10: You are Human Too (13:11)
#bpd #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderline
"You have a right to decide how many scars and injuries you will tolerate."
Now THAT is pure gold.
Right, in context of "would you euthanize an animal?" ....
That love-hate pattern will truly destroy you, both mentally & physically - it’s not OK, and no one deserves to go through it.
Sadly it happens to the sufferer too although I understand people who've been in relationships with people with BPD struggle to have sympathy for us. I totally get it. It's brutal for all involved.
My wife was awesome for 14 years. Then she gave birth & postpartum depression triggered Borderline Personality Disorder & she has been a nightmare ever since. With women you never know, it's like rolling the dice.
@George Vue Don't blame that on a gender. Men can be borderline too.
My ex’s bpd was also reactivated by postpartum depression & I have heard many cases & research that this can be a trigger for a range of poor mental health outcomes. It’s a known medical/ mental health issue. It’s incredibly important that women & family have support around this if it occurs. Imo it’s not about gender it’s about caring for family & people.
@GrapeSkoda I'm not sure of the statistics, but 70% is not 100%. My thoughts on the gender aspects, though, is...no man wants to cry about being alone. So a BPD male loses the woman, runs out and finds the next one. He is called 'a player' not BPD. Narcissists are generally viewed as being male. There are plenty of narcissistic females out there. I think the toxicity of gender applied rationalizations dictate how one approaches their condition. Can you imagine a man flirting like a woman would/could?
This woman is absolutely brilliant, she understands this disorder more than anyone I have watched. I spent 5 years with a woman diagnosed with this disorder and this video is spot on to a tee. All I can say to anyone trying to manage one of these relationships is that its a struggle everyday and your patience will have to be unlike anything you have ever dealt with before. I loved mine more than anyone I have ever loved in my life and it just wasn't enough. I've been out 10 months and the trauma bond still has a strong grip on me and its a very real thing that will push you to your limit so be prepared if you leave as it is not easy. Honestly its hard to say if I knew 10 months ago what I know now if id still do the same thing, its been that hard trying to get back my life. I have cried more times than I probably have my whole life. last thing I will say is if your loosing yourself get out , its not worth your mental health trying to save someone especially if they are not trying to help themselves, my experience with this is it only gets worse the more time passes and will leave you broken and a shell of your former self. If you stay I wish you all the luck in the world and pray for everyone trying you find the happiness that I couldn't. Have empathy and compassion for them even when its hard to, believe me I know that's not easy to do but I know deep down they don't wish to hurt us, I saw the woman I love struggle with this everyday and I know she suffered. I deal with that guilt everyday but I just couldn't do it anymore.
Why live like that ? Life is to short . It’s more excuses for people who are making choices … grown adults that are choosing to do what they do ..
Well said!
Damn. Are you sure you were writing about my relationship. But I've had 3yrs in.
The hardest part is they are good people just with a glitch in their software.
Thank you for sharing. Because it's given me more insight about my next steps.
Love your bpd spouse just as God loves them and u will be together forever
Prayers for your recovery, brother
Purposeful or not, it becomes the person with bpd’s responsibility to recognize they have an issue and do better and not just be a victim of their disorder.
Hi Jared. In learning about my former wife's BPD, I heard a common point from MH professionals, to wit, people with BPD rarely recognize and typically vehementally reists acknowledging they have the disorder, or that they have an issue at all. That in itself is a great hurdle preventing treatment. Is that consistent with your understanding?
@@pancakeface5717 yes it is. I would very rarely recommend someone staying with someone who has bpd unless they have a track record of not acting out on their disorder. Hopefully they have went to dbt and learned how to take responsibility for their disorder and not act out on it.
this ^ In my experience not even the police can fix them. Only they can fix themselves (if they tried)
This response lacks understanding and tolerance. I know first hand the pain of being in a relationship with someone who has BPD, but that person is in a constant, daily struggle, and often doesn't know what to do given the multiplicity of co-morbid symptoms, trauma responses, and other diagnosis that also clouds their thinking with irrational instability. My main point... many with BPD are also co-morbid with NPD which acts as a defense mechanism for them. They simply cannot see it. Ironically, that is maybe the singular defense that prevents lethal, self-harm. While anyone who is in contact with someone with BPD has an option to leave.... be grateful for that, and compassionate, because the BPD sufferer can't (leave). They are trapped.
@@billyd1436 no my response is with total understanding, and I want to see them do well, and in order to do that they have to take responsibility. Your thinking is more likely to enable them to stay stuck. You are treating them like a victim and being a victim is not a final destination, it is a step on the road to recovery.
Being in a bpd relationship has become too much to bear. Constantly regulating someone else’s emotional triggers is exhausting. I need to be out of this
Yes. And it makes this normally chill person feel like THEY are going nutso!
Yep, and don't underestimate the toll the constant stress also takes on your health. After over a dozen years with a BPD gal (only later clinically diagnosed), it finally took a close call with cancer for me to eventually leave and 'wise up'.
One can only imagine what it's like for the person with bpd.
@@dianemorrell9638Yes. Still, and ultimately, you *have* to think of you first.
It's really fucking hard I know. it's been only 3 months, and I'm exhausted mentally. I don't think I have the strength to do this anymore. I wish I could. I care so much, but I'm in a state of constant depression. Fucking hell.
Just a roller coaster type of relationship, it will basically kill your love for this person …..
It is not their fault they have BPD, but who's fault is it on how poorly they treat others? It's like we are supposed to feel bad that their fists hurt due to punching us in our face.
Yep. Funny and true. Need a sense if humor.
they burn your house down, and get mad at your reaction.
Yes, that is what they would have you believe. And then they would seek empathy and yet another second chance from you and then repeat the process all over again. So sad as many are otherwise amazing people with a lot to offer. The bottom line is that they can't seem to control themselves, at least not for any sustained period of time but YOU can control YOU and YOU can choose to move on. The love bombing is awesome but the crash is just as epic.
100000% correct...argh
can you stop using "their" like we're all the exact same?
As a man who fell in love, married, and had 3 children with a BPD, I broke down in tears around the 14:25 mark. Last year I was abruptly discarded for someone new with two small children and a 7 month old baby at home. It's been so hard to deal with. The pain is indescribable.
Thats awful, man. I hope she comes back and gets therapy or meds. But don't chase her. Let her go off and ruin herself and see you being a great dad without her. Thats your only option, even if you want her back.
Just remember, she's going to torment their new person too, even if they're making it seem perfect to make you jealous. Without seeking help, she's abusive to everyone.
Yes I have heard of this happening before. Reach out if you want someone to talk to brother.
@@ltopomcfly5583 very true
14 years and 3 children together here. Left for someone new. Like I never existed. I feel you. Every day is still a struggle 2 years later. Keep going.
Either she has BPD or she has loved someone with BPD - the description is only something that can come from being BPD or loving someone with BPD. I’ve talked to many mental health professionals about being in love with someone that has jt and it has never been anywhere near this spot on.
Yeah, plus she seems genuinely compassionate.
Or, she’s highly experienced in dealing with BPD. Watch more of her videos she’s always this spot on.
27 years and I leave tomorrow to move 7 states away finally. She is the love of my life and I’ll never come close to ever caring for anyone as much as I have for her. We raised 4 incredible kids together that are all working, happy and on their own now. BPD is no joke and it has taken me from a very confident life of the party, drummer in a r&r band, avid outdoorsmen, ect…ect…. All the way down to a shell of my former self because of the endless attacks and being thrown out of our house at least 50 times over the last two years. Everything in this video is spot on and it’s extremely hard to love someone with this and any of the cluster B disorders because of the toll is takes on the significant other or close friends and family members it can be absolutely horrific and leave you just gutted, I know it did me. The worst part of being with a spouse or partner with BPD is that when they finally consume all of you and you no longer hope for anything and are just barely going through your days step by step in hopes to survive without too much screaming and attacks that will keep you up until all hours of the night just depending on how tired she is it just really wears even the strongest of us down. And when she’s finally work you down and emasculated you to where you’re hanging on by the tips of your fingers is she/they will then lose any desire ti be with you because you don’t any longer push back or give her what she needs from you which is for you to be the one in the end that feels like she does inside and she wants ti see you struggle so she can tell your friends and family that you’re messed up and she then uses you and the degree of how far down she’s broken you to prop herself up and make her look good at least in her mind when she ends up in a spot or situation where she has to discuss what happened between the two of you wether it’s a get together with friends or family she will make definite sure that she comes out smelling like a rise and absorbing all the pity and attention she can from the moment and she’ll smear you with lies and made up rhetoric that make her look done wrong and to make you look sick or hateful or mean or whatever and whoever she needs you to look like in order to get her dose of pity and to make you look like shit and she won’t think twice about it even to your completely innocent children because she lacks the understanding that it’s wrong.
I realized there is NO solution to being happy in the relationship. You can give a 💯, and you'll still be cheated on, lied to, manipulated, and gas lit, guilt tripped and blame shifted. It's a living hell in which you're sleeping with the enemy and don't know it.
Wow. This is so good. I was married to a person with BPD for 23 years. We need a BPD al-anon. Like alcoholics al-anon, but for people who have BPD people in their lives.
100%
It's called CODA
Definitely
"step back and manage your own emotions". Yeah I stepped back, then she also took that as abandonment, cant win lol
Big respect to everyone who manages to have the internal strength to sustain a trauma bond without losing themselves.
Going strong here .. ploughing through the pain every day is better and better less pain by today🎉❤😊
I can’t imagine ever living with someone that has this diagnosis or being in a relationship again.
This stuff is real. I believe us people that have been through this are very co-dependent. Find out why. Get to the roots of your own problems.
Find happiness in yourself. Love yourself. Be so healthy that you will attract healthy.
Yes so true, me too. In my case I had a mother like this so it was easier I guess to not see the signs in my husband. He is now deceased and I am getting counseling to take back my life.
Exactly!!!
Absolutely!! It was so great and addicting to the point where I still miss it. That’s apparently the trauma bond. It hurt so freaking bad during the low cycles, but I just knew that those good times were coming soon so I would wait for those “highs” because of how powerful our connection and bond was when things were good. It just sucks knowing in the back of your mind that the crash was going to be coming soon. You do tell yourself that “this will be the time it’s different” but it never did. It is SO heartbreaking. I love her so freaking much, love her family and friends, and could see the beautiful souls inside wanting to shine through.
I can’t believe how accurate every single word is in this. Just in shock. I love my pwBPD more than I could ever love another person but 9 years in and I’m a walking shell of my former self. I don’t believe in arguing and fighting in relationships (because childhood and father nightmares) but I’ve come to realize I’ve just enabled more of this behavior for not drawing boundaries and taking care of myself. I’m not just depressed anymore… I am walking breathing depression in the flesh. Every single word of this video is so factual that I feel shocked. But I also think that it takes a codependent to love a pwBPD well. It’s almost like mother nature designed us for them. Otherwise… without someone to take care of we’re just NPC’s walking around aimlessly in the world waiting to expire
@joeyg...Been there..exactly the same..fuck it
It's not worth it. Let them go now otherwise, you'll get used up trying to care for them. What is more, they may be the one that will abandon you and harshly warned you never to come close to them again!!! All your love, all your emotional investment, all the time and energy you put into the relationship down the drain. Again, I repeat - it's not worth it, you'll ruin yourself trying to love someone who's not perceiving reality correctly!
I can't be certain that my ex-wife has BPD, but she shows a lot of the signs. I had been tip-toeing around her attitude for 14 years. It wasn't until she cheated on me that I decided that enough was enough.
I can't remember feeling this free and happy!
Wow, this was so spot on. I wish my ex therapist would tell me something like this: "Look, this is what you are deling with in your relationship..." and then continue with an explenation like yours in this video.
On the other hand, it might not change much as I would stay in this kind of relationship anway. I also had to realise that I allowed it and that I'm not perfect. I have a lot of things to work on myself aswell. I'm now going to therapy and dealing with my "stuff". Stuff from my childhood, traumas, selflove, noticing my bad behaviours, "integrating my dark side", addiction with weed (btw it's going good so far) etc.
I just want to be married to someone I love and who loves me and have children some day and deal with this life problems in a best way possible.
I also wish the best to you, who is reading this.
This is exactly where I'm at right now. My therapist told me while I was going through the breakup process that she showed traits of BPD. I get calls and texts every day, and I don't know if it's going to be to tell me that she loves me or hates me. It's been too hard.
I’m in tears watching this I been in a relationship for 12 years with someone with BPD and recently just discovered what I’m going through and I’m not alone I just pray God puts me in a better financial situation to gain my independence back thank you for this video
Took the exact words out of my head
Couple months ago my relationship with someone with BPD ended viciously when I began setting boundaries and telling her she needed to buckle down on her behavior. I’m just glad it’s over
you did good with the boundaries, brother! Even if she left you I firmly believe in good boundaries. Not only for you, but they stabilize your partner as well. It is very attractive to women if we men do this and it gives us peace of mind.
I started doing this too. The past 3 years have been garbage. But now I'm ready to walk ...or not. I became apathetic to her outbursts. Just don't want her breaking more of my stuff.
My ex who I believe has BPD uses her grieving of lost loved ones as an excuse for her behavior. The push-pull cycle continues even today. I left her last September right around when her dad became sick and eventually passed away and she chased me for several months trying to get me to give her closure and even begging me when she was drunk to come back to the relationship showing up at bars and places that I hang out even calling and leaving voicemails cuz I had her phone number blocked. She couldn't text or get through to me by my phone ringing. When she stopped chasing me, I wondered why and approached her having a conversation about life and everything that has happened. I apologized for leaving in the manner that I did around her dad passing but I felt the relationship was going nowhere. She had split on me again the day before he passed and I could not take it any more. I'm angry, hurt, sad and very confused because I thought I was strong enough to walk away finally. But I went back again to push/pull situation with her blaming me for not showing up and caring enough. She has a habit of becoming manic and impulsive and telling me she needs space and then sometimes seeking attention from other men. It's so unhealthy, I get the excuses I'm just trying to live my authentic life on my own journey. What ever that means? I guess what I want her to say is that relationship, it's done forever goodbye. Or say hey no matter what happens we'll work it out I love you enough to work on this relationship in a healthy way never going to get that. This breakup and get back together things been going on for almost 4 years. One of my best friends told me she's selfish, and you can't fix her move on there many other women out there that don't have all these issues. My response was I just want her to love me and healthy ways I feel bad for her dad passing I feel bad for her mom passing I feel bad for her sister passing when she was a teenager. I guess I felt bad that she's never been in a healthy relationship ever, thought I could be that guy but I guess I'm dead wrong.
@@zachary007 hmmm would you say a schizophrenic person is "pathetic"? I can understand that you've been hurt. But is devaluation really the solution to anything?
@@zachary007 is it? Relationships are within us not external to us. Will it really come to an end? In my experience it won't!
Because with this approach we build up resentment towards the other person which keeps us in a fear-based relationship to this type of person aka all Borderliners. If we want to go on this way, ok. But I don't buy fear. It is an illusion. I want to expand and live fear free. How can I live fear free if there is still this thing with Borderliners nagging me inside?
7:40 - And they will NEVER apologize. They're not capable of it. I've been married to my BPD wife for almost 14 years, and at this stage I'm just trying to make sure our 10 year old son doesn't grow up twisted.
When they do its meaningless anyways .
This is not at all true
I survived it by getting off of it. A ride to hell.
💯 agree me to bro! ✊🏼
Same here guys, she still calls me, and say she love me and all the usually stuff that they say you know. I love her, but need to go away from her and her whole family, I blocked them all
But clearly still haven’t moved on huh
@@mljohnson7192 sick burn.
It’s really the only way there is literally nothing that works and it all ends in abuse and disaster
Reading comments on these videos hurts the heart. Living with BPD is likely made much harder by the belief that we should be avoided and are the worst experience someone can have. I appreciate these videos and this information. Thank you.
Stay strong and try not to let the comments get to you - the internet is full of judgemental, often hurt people who only see one side of the story; it's sad how certain conditions are vilified - but the awareness of the deeper context is and will be spreading against the stereotypes, I'm optimistic about it. You certainly don't deserve any added hurt from any of that judgemental BS, in the same way as it isn't your fault that you have the condition. Kudos to you for seeking out options to heal (I hear DBT works really well), I wish you all the best and I'm positive that you will find relief and ultimately be able to show up in the world as a wonderful person you truly are, beyond all the trauma and other BS caused by the condition. I wish you all the best on your journey; take care.
@@georgesonm1774 thank you for replying. I have picked up some DBT workbooks to utilize while I await access to therapy. I appreciate your kindness and encouragement. Thank you for caring about a stranger💛
I've recently been badly hurt after almost 13 years. I'll never understand it. I'll never understand how she could drop a loving partner like that and not have the decency to at least wait a number of months before looking towards getting a new partner. However, I do realise that the way she was is not her fault. The main thing is to recognise that you need help and to seek that help as the number 1 priority above everything else, including relationships. Once in therapy you can then perhaps work with the therapist to understand the right time to get into a relationship. As I understand it, the main difficulty most with BPD have is that they can't stand to be alone and therefore continue to enter into the same cycle of idealization, devaluation, discard (or be discarded) and don't accept responsibility, often laying the blame with the ex. I wish you all the best, just do your best to focus on yourself.
I should also add that I took the breakup really badly. Even though I knew the relationship wasn't healthy for me, my mental health took a battering and this was mainly down to HOW she went about the breakup and her NEED to get straight on with finding the new guy. Lise explains this phenomenon very well in the video (trauma bond). If many others in my situation have had similar experiences to me then I can sort of understand why they feel so strongly about people with BPD.
@@TopKat1 thank you for your input here. I hope you are doing much better now after exiting that relationship.♥️
You're describing my situation exactly. We just recently celebrated 10 years, he changed his diet, goes to the gym, quit booze and drugs (well for now), been taking meds for bipolar, therapy and even embracing mindfulness or meditation, but none of these efforts can help curb these strong BPD love/hate cycles from happening on a weekly basis for the past year. As for me, being repeatedly accused of cheating and lying when I have not is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, it's soul crushing and I really am not myself anymore. I've been broken up with by my pwbpd over the same false accusation probably 30 times in the past year. The problem is even after he breaks up with me, even when he physically leaves and goes to another country, he is still taking things I say and perceiving them as rejection, when he's the one who's doing all the rejecting in this relationship.... When he's controlled by his mania or bpd symptoms, talking to him has become so triggering for me that I have severe anger problems. I am constantly in fight or flight mode with him. He really does rely on me for emotional stability like you said in the video, and also like what you said, I tried and the more and harder I try, the worse it seems to get, to the point that I feel like I am really hurting him. Even after my pwbpd discards me, I have to take the blame for the breakup. I always consider myself as someone who's pretty easy going. But the truth is, I completely gave him the power to dominate me because for the first time in my life I've met the one, the man of my dreams who I want to grow old with. He's everything that I want but no matter how much commitment or loyalty I can possibly show him, it's never enough, and it never will be. The only thing left to do is I need to forgive myself. I'm working on it. I'm still feeling the trauma bond, it's so hard because we also have an 8 year old....sigh
Have you joined Jesus? He needs Jesus and sexual purity to be healed. BPD people need to be celibate.
You wrote my story, minus the part about getting sober, working on himself and treating with meds and self development.
I wish he'd done those things. I "might have" been able to tolerate his weekly mood swings more. I'm a very secure and patient person.
It's extremely hard saying goodbye to someone who was your world for 6 years, and who you still love and care about.
My last moments with her I was just holding her while she cried her eyes out saying things like "I thought we were best friends", "I wish this wasn't happening, "I don't know what I'm going to do without you." Leaving her all alone in that apartment, and having to break it to her family that I left. I can't imagine what that must've been like for her. I can't even think about it without tearing up. Spending years caring about them and then telling them you're leaving. The guilt is overwhelming.
I know I'm viewed as this villain now. The monster that decided to leave the fragile innocent girl. Nobody understands what it was truly like.
What was it like?
I understand you buddy. I myself developed hypertension and anxiety disorder dealing with a BPD lady.
Most people in these comments understand you perfectly brother. I'm the guy that should have left. But I put my faith in her and stuck. We got married, had children, and then immediately after the third child she hit the devaluation stage, then the discard stage. Now I'm emotionally broken and alone having to go half my life not seeing my children due to split custody. I'm your future had you stayed. You made the hard decision I wasn't wise enough to make.
Not only can I picture those last moments, I know exactly what that feels like, dude. I had to block mine from my phone after a year because of the constant lashing out/begging for forgiveness cycle. I personally don't care what her family thinks now but I really liked them when I met them all so I lost newfound family when I split with her as well, even though I wasn't allowed to see them or see my own friends either without having to be emotionally punished, either throuygh complete silence for weeks at a time or for mysterious health episodes requiring me to take her to the Emergency room where nothing was found to be wrong, except for symptoms of benzo withdraws. The phone calls from friends and family asking me if I really said or did things she was telling people I said or did always having some tiny bit of truth in the story but completely reworded to create a different picture entirely. Man it was a rollercoaster.
@@holdover8199 Wow, been there done that. 5 years of undiagnosed bpd. I loved her and I'm still trying to get over her. I belive she has a good heart, she was suprisingly honest most of the time and she also never cheated on me. Nobody made me feel this way before (in a good and in a bad way). The emotional rollercoasters were epic. I was about to marry her and have kids with her. But then the final discard happened. One day she says she loves you and the next, she is gone forever.
This really hits home. I’m a BPD patient and this literally just destroyed my hope to ever find a relationship. And now more then ever I know it’s because of me. I wish I can say sorry to my ex fiancé. I wish I had a way to get this video to her. This is very shameful. You are absolutely right.
Oh man
You can get therapy. It’s treatable. Go do the work so you can get the relationship you want
The worst thing you can do is blame yourself - you didn't cause your own disorder. Treat yourself with forgiveness and compassion.
My partner made a full recovery after doing 'inner child work' and going through 'reconnection'. After this she lived a normal life with no signs of mental illness.
The fact that you just recognized this…. Tells me that you don’t have BPD. Many psychological disorders, including ADHD, share characteristic traits with BPD.
@@feelthebowes it could be intermittent - my partner would lapse between various disordered (and ordered) states and at times was acutely aware of her disorder but was still trapped in it.
That's my biggest challenge is knowing that the push cycle could lead to cheating or abandonment from my BPD partner. I can work on being patient but those two scenarios means "game-over". So I'm constantly on the verge of walking away when I get shut out for 5 days.
Yeah, the BPD I know would smirk when something bad happens to me and would frown when something good happens. It’s creepy and I’m starting to think this is more sociopathic than BPD.
Yep… or a combination of BPD and NPD or ASPD
@@LiseLeblanc thank you for clarifying that. It is disturbing. 😳
@@LiseLeblanc Can you do a video on why they react negatively when you give them a gift? I’ve never understood why I was treated poorly right after giving a nice gift.
@@insomniac6115 i had the same experience
@@insomniac6115 My sister's the same... I always thought she was a homicidal maniac; but her decision to save me from drowning gave me the truth. She does not care if I have all the money and the power and whatever... as long as I am mentally depressed and super sad 24/7.... which makes the most sense. Which explains why she regularly abandons her boyfriends and kids... once they show mental happiness... she does the disappearing act.
What me and by brothers and friends figured out... the key to making her happy... was to "act" super sad and extremely depressed whenever she was around.
Lise is a fountain of knowledge.
This advice is helpful, they are their own worst enemy but blame you. Its not personal, don't get triggered, don't buy into it, its not your fault. Stay calm, don't get sucked in. Validate their feelings by staying neutral ☮ Protect your Peace
I think we may need to question the idea that people with BPD can't control their actions when they're tearing apart the people who love them the most. How many of these people only act up when you're alone, when you don't have any other witnesses. How many of them can act perfectly sane and calm in front of crowds, but then turn into a psycho as soon as you shut the door. That's someone who is in intense control of their actions, and they are very aware of how they look. They can choose not to do what they're doing, they just feel like they're justified.
exactly. My ex BPD friend behaves normally for 4 years and was able to accept criticism. As soon as friendship progessed she became really psycho :)
My BPD didn’t control his anger in public, that was one of the biggest issues… he would try but embarrassed me stil.
This is dehumanizing, but ok, go off.
Oh...thats not..
@@juliapanko9192NO SHE DIDNT BECAUSE PSYCHOPATHY IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DISORDER. HOLY SHIT.
Wow, how revealing. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but am in treatment and will be seeing a professional. Everything described is EXACTLY how I treated my last partner - and I am seriously in love with this girl. We are no longer together, but still communicate and see one another. These realizations are so crushing, but I refuse to live this way anymore. Just unbelievable that I haven't addressed this condition before- I knew something was wrong for years.
It is chocking how correct you are about BPD. I have been married to one for 30 years and it has been extremely difficult for all the reasons you have mentioned. I am completely isolated, i have lost all my friends and family. I am now at the end of my roll, have no more energy for this BPD person but I am scared of the consequences of leaving since their bad side is really bad. I have lost myself and should have realize this sooner, just not sure I have the energy to make an exit. I wish I had understood this disorder and met someone like you earlier in my life.
You sure they're BPD not NPD?
It is time to save yourself. However, you are probably going to need help. I hope you can find help for yourself now. You deserve a happy and peaceful life but you must choose it by taking action. Good luck.
I feel your pain I was married to a man with this disorder for 42 years and he just passed away. I just learned about this disorder little too late and it has scarred me. Now I have a daughter with it that I have no contact with.😢
Please love her endlessly if she’s loyal
Oh Dear God. I went through this. It's no fun. And don't stay in the relationship thinking you can save them. Save yourself. Leave. Life is short.
Wow! I needed this today. I thought I was losing my mind.
Lise and her videos and my own therapist saved me from a certain death.
I tried, I really tried. I thought I could carry a heavy load as usual and keep the whole thing going. Every 2 weeks like clockwork some person I didn't recognise showed up and blew up everything. If she didn't discard me for the 16th time last month I don't think I would have been able to leave. But I know I was becoming resentful and angry. I guess I have time now to work on my codependency issues now. God help me. I loved that chick.
Same exact situation
You can do it bro. I just got out of something similar. Now going through divorce and custody and it's hell. You got this.
@@ledeek11 that sucks bro, but I'm sure you will be safe, only one thing bro, of you child's have some similar patterns and behavior, try to give them all the love you can and seek for treatment since young's, don't let drugs and alcool cure your son's, bring them where they can learn good ways to deal with frustration and emotions, since this can be genetically transmitted, I hope for the best brother.
@@AikelTechno thanks man. I'm giving our child all the love I could. She's still a toddler, and this will probably affect her.
There's no winners in the end. Everyone loses. And I promise I'll give my daughter my everything.
Hope everything works out for the best for all of us brother.
@@ledeek11 life will bless you brother
Sad part is that it's the most loving people that trust and believe during the love bombing stage. They deserve real love because they give it up all the time. Only to get the script flipped! The ole bait and switch!
I believe you. When you lived it you get it. I was with a BPD (actually formally diagnosed) man for 10 years. He used to rage about my facial expression. Rage about how loudly I talked. He would knock packages out of my hand and in the end he raged over some confusing dinner plans. It was one of the hardest thing I had to do . Like out in the world without skin but I left today and will never return
It’s a great explanation but all I see here is you will be emotionally abused no matter what you do or try and it’s basically a lose lose and you’ll be stuck in a co-dependant abusive relationship
I love how she gently with caring discusses each topic. I just learned last night through these videos that I have BPD. These videos are so spot on accurate. Now it’s time to seek a good therapist. Appreciate your approach on this topic because it is a sensitive one, imo.
Anyone with untreated BPD should be avoided at all costs.
There is NO happy ending. We all want to believe there is but at the end of the day...the roller coaster ride leads straight to hell with your partner in the front the seat screaming "SATAN I brought you another one "!!!
It's hard to love a BPD as much hate potential as they carry. BPDs are mentally ill. They need treatment not marriage.
That is a generalization, and an unfair one. I have BPD, and I am in a healthy, loving marriage for 22 years with two teenaged sons. It is not always easy, but I also take responsibility for my actions and behaviours. I have realized that BPD is an explanation, not an excuse. I have had intense therapy for many years and it helps me cope through some of my difficult moments. I will say, the one BPD indicator I don’t have is the Borderline rage, and I know that makes a difference. But if I did not take responsibility for my illness, it would be terribly destructive. All of this to say, people who struggle with BPD CAN, and DO, have the ability to have healthy relationships. It just takes a lot of self-awareness, intense, supportive therapy, and the willingness and desire to live the best life we are capable of. It may take years to come to that point, but it is very possible.
@@amandagagne4916 not a lot take responsibility
@@jamesgraves9858 I actually know and agree with you. I guess I just feel a little frustrated at the stigma surrounding BPD and being all lumped into one narrow view of the illness. BPDs ARE mentally ill and do need treatment as the original poster said. I have participated in very intense treatment, both outpatient and inpatient. But the illness does not preclude all of us from marriage. But yes, we really do need to take responsibility for our own behaviours and unfortunately many Borderlines use the illness as an excuse instead of taking personal responsibility.
thank you so much for making this video! recently ended relationship with woman probably suffering from undiagnosed bpd -- not the type who split and discarded, more the clingy, needy, needed to hear me say i loved her -- and loved her so much -- very frequently. yet wanted things done her way -- in the car i should follow her directions not the phone, or there was a snit fit. i should be taking her on vacation...i should be talking about moving in and getting married. we all are bundle of needs i suppose but she seemed even more so somehow., with the RA and the ADHD ...she said she made the decision and would never break up with me, but in the end after much much soul searching my intuition seemed to say to end it... which led to extreme episodes and reactions on her part... and yet i still question myself because i remember the sweet funny good person within. hardest break up i've ever been through.
Amazingly accurate. If only I could have come across this content sooner. My last relationship was so exhausting and it all makes sense now.
My daughter is a borderline, and her attacks on my husband and myself are cruel, and below the belt. This has been happening for so many years there are times I have to take breaks to survive. Her constant breakdowns run our lives. I know she can't help it😔 I pray for her every night.🙏
She's that way because of you. Christ. 🙄
if she has a personality disorder, it's your fault.
Yeah no offence but that level of unaware is to be discerned with your own diagnosis
As someone with BPD, I can tell you that she CAN help it. With proper psychotherapy. With proper treatment, BPD has a 90% recovery rate
@@ximar0ckstrx 90%? That doesn't seem accurate. No offense.
Anyone who enjoys roller coasters has an issue if you're going to subject yourself to all of the traumas and you want to stick it out it's not worth it you're not going to come out at the top you're going to have to accept that you need to get out with your parachute on jump out of the plane don't look down you won't hit the ground
I am suffering of BPD and I feel so understood the way you explain it.
If your thinking of being with someone who has BPD my advice for you is to run the hell away and save yourself alot of trauma, pain and depression.
Yep, been living with/ putting up with this for nearly fifty years and she refuses to see that she has issues!
I watch now merely to understand what I went through. As an attractive woman she had the abiliy To find positive reinforcements outside the relationship. At the end of the day she wanted to be Desirable and had a difficult time being held in high esteem. I suggest that BPD tends to find hostages and not relationships. And there are crossovers with narcissistic behaviors and almost sociopathic Reactions. Be safe. Protect yourself. And place your value on your willingness to play the long game, Put Understand When When to get out. As they say on the airline when Flying put the oxygen mask on yourself 1st and then deal with your loved ones around you.
Additionally thank you Lisa for keeping MEN In mind. There are just not the resources that we need to navigate so much of the hostile femininity that is out there. You help!
They love being desired, even while they complain that it can be tough to deal with the constant harassment. Double whammy!… I’m desirable AND a victim. Lol. Also, remember that it’s magnatudes easier for an average woman to move on with the typical thirsty guy compared to any man no matter what his status. But a woman who thinks she’s a winner for being easy has already lost the game.
Such a pleasure to listen to your articulation of the experience of a person with BPD.
You good at this, Lise... Thank you for uploading this. Brought me a genuine sense of peace and understanding
This is so accurate and compassionate. Thank you
I never comment on videos. But this one really hit home. Thanks for this.
Thank you for this. It's a big eye opener.
Wow, that's a very good explanation focusing on essentials.
Very useful content, Lise! Plus, didactically explained.
I have a BPD adult daughter who just abandoned her 10 month old baby. The situation breaks my heart and these comments don’t give me any hope
Excellent. The segment from 6:20 - 7:00 is brilliant.
Dear Dr. Leblanc, thnk you for your sharp advice. You are the best!
Best video on this topic I have ever seen.
This is by far the best description I have found of a BPD relationship, every statement is on point.
You're incredible, Lise. You really nail it. Thanks to your videos I finally understand exactly what happened with my 12 years intense rollercaster relation. It's an an eye opener and it helps to process and recover from those (wasted-) years.
I don't know how you do it, but you seem to understand BPD better than any other coach.
Thanks.
I cannot thank you enough for these videos, but esp this one. Your bluntness was needed. Also everyones comments on here help me know im not crazy and that I have been so emotionally affected by my friend's mental illness.😢
Living with bpd has been the most beautiful and crushing life experience and I wouldn’t change a thing 😅
Excellent analysis/ Pure understanding. Thank you.
This hits the nail on the head for me. Such powerful info for me to now move forward with.
This is so incredibly helpful. I have a friend who has been doing this kind of thing to me for two years and drive me crazy just really help me understand what’s going on. with her and me Thank you
OMG. you have helped me so much with the few videos iv watched. THANKYOU SOOOOO MUCH !!!!!!!!!! Things are so much clearer now, and i can stop destroying myself so badly. I now understand its not me causin the issues, and no one is to blame. i just need to decide if i have to move on. THANKYOU.
That cycle. Insane. Things are great! Then crash. Then great! Then crash. 3 years into our marriage and it just had to end. The worst part is we have a daughter together.....
It's so hard to let go, while wanting them to get better... but it had to end.
I feel this. You fall in love with them.. you care for them for years. And then the day comes when you just have to end it. It was by far the hardest thing I ever had to do. That strong bond and all the special memories. 15 months post break up and flashbacks of the day I said goodbye still makes me tear up. I have strong feelings for her, but I just couldn't do it.
She moved on fairly fast and erased me from existence. Nobody understands and they just think I broke the heart of a sweet fragile girl, and trashed a 6 year relationship like it was nothing. No one has a clue what it was like behind closed doors.
I miss her everyday.
You’ll get through this. You got this.
Yes, I was sitting in her garden telling her I loved her & wanted to help her sort the bpd out & get through it (2 days prior she wanted to get married). She said you better fuck off or I’ll call the cops. I left & she rang 30minutes later asking me why I didn’t kiss her good bye?? I was shocked & devastated & unable to talk.
That was the last we spoke.
I wrote a compassionate letter to her doctors & family for help. The next thing I was called by the police because she felt I’d harassed her by writing the letter & that her 25 years of documented mental health & bpd never existed.
It’s a highly complex disorder that breaks everything & is unfixable.
Move forward knowing you did your best under circumstances that were not your fault & outside of your responsibility…truth will set us free!
@@flowerpower2726 Ouch, this hit close to home...5 going on 6 years with my girlfriend and I am getting to the point I can't take much more of it. I say one thing wrong and it sets her off and nothing I say can do anything to defuse it...and her drinking defiantly does not help. I don't have many friends and rarely talk to them anymore, so losing my girlfriend would leave me alone...yet I am starting to wonder if it would be better than the highs and lows I keep going through with her....FML sigh...
U have no idea how much I appreciate this video. My favorite person relationship was really hard on me, but he did try to understand what I was going through, but at the end of the day, he gave up on me.
I just loved him too much. I didn't have anyone to turn to. We are both free now, and that's really great. I never want a favorite person again.
This was sooooo helpful 🙏🏽 thank you.
This was phenomenal.
Walked away from one recently, LTR and all but just could not do it anymore. This video was very informative and it solidifies my decision.
I did love this girl but as I come out of the fog of war I'm starting to see just how many messed up thing's I normalized.
Sad as aspects of her were amazing but the constant push and pull and me walking on eggshells not to anger her for the most insignificant reasons were too much!!
Its like these people want problems, always!
Drama every day! They have no friends, they have not much family left. It’s sad, but I had to walk.
This stuff is spot on, great content
very good info and authentic and kindly delivered 🙏🙏
Spot on describing my friend.
Thank you. With this Information it will be a walk in the park.
If it's a family member you may not have a choice to turn your back or be able to de-tach. You may have to distance yourself to minimal contact
I have BPD and I've detached from family members who display signs of BPD. I'm trying to get better. I will not allow them to derail my journey to recovery.
@@ximar0ckstrx that must be a real challenge. I am so encouraged to read your statement. I hope you will stay on your healing journey. You deserve your best life, full of loving, peaceful and calm relationships. Don't let anyone get in your way. Your post can be an inspiration to others. I wish you health and happiness.
I just cut off a friend with BPD because he randomly threatened to kill me after I said hi to him on the street. I have autism, and it's hard enough to understand regular people.
Don’t love anyone with BPD. You deserve a normal healthy relationship, not one with misery and chaos. There are better options for friendship and dating than choosing someone with BPD.
This was the hardest one for me to listen to. It's the absolute truth to what I recently experienced. I dedicated so much time and energy to helping her regulate herself and reassure her that despite any boundaries i set or things that disappointed me, i still loved her. She continuously abused that. It led to worse unfortunately. I had to walk away because it just wouldn't stop...she'd constantly prod and antagonize me. Led me back to my bible. When she saw that, she called my bible dumb! Blew my mind the type of crap she would say. Same day would be the loving person that i initially met. I miss that person dearly, but couldn't accept the disdain, contempt, and disrespect from the other side.
Run for the hill’s ppl run 🏃🏽♀️ save your own sanity
One of my best friends is fragile, quite naive and in a relationship with a diagnosed BPD. He's getting demolished. He is truely suffering but I dont know how to help.
tell him/her to leave the bpd one.
he's probably got issues as well. all they can do is leave if the other person won't get help or stay if they do get help. if they stay to take abuse, you can't help either of them. let them suffer til they learn the hard way.
Knowledge is power. Offer him information by sharing a couple of videos. The rest is up to him.
Thank you so much! This was so informative ❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉
Impossible to date, deep down there hearts in the right place..but its impossible to date..better to just be friends
you are so talented
I’ve never heard anyone describe the illness and it’s effect on others so perfectly and clearly. Thank you. Unfortunately there seems to be little hope for a great outcome. The goal seems to be management of the illness with the cost of a lot of burnout, especially if they won’t accept treatment. However, some therapists talk of remission and the more we understand the less we may make it worse for the for he or she with this tragic illness.
Yeah.. this is called a living hell
Yes yes yes and yes!!!! If I didn’t know better, you are describing my ex. He is classic BPD however I had never even heard of BPD while in the relationship. He love bombed me at the beginning when I was going through a rough time in life. It was amazing. We felt like a perfect match. ….. but then after a few months it all started. He got mean and very hard on me. I had low self esteem and he beat me down where I cried everyday. This is all during the lockdown from Covid too. He would kick me out of the house along with my dog at 10 pm at night. It was so bizarre and toxic. The thing that bugs me is we tried counseling and no mention of BPD was ever mentioned.
A few years later and long gone, I’m healed and so glad I understand BPD now. It’s really very sad. I hope my ex someday gets the help he deserves.
I am here, as the roller coaster operator, to learn how to keep the ride safe and enjoyable. Thank you for providing such info.
That is light and funny. You just might make it. Good luck.
🙏prayers help to , with God all things are possible
Thank you very much for this video
I made it to number 9 before I had to pause and comment. There is no way staying in a relationship with these people (treated or not) can ever be good for us or anyone. One can not hear the vile things they say, and the complete and total betrayals they are capable of over any period of time without leaving deep scars and trust issues. You will come out changed forever. And not for the better. Life is too short. I'm begging you all... Run!
BPD is not a life sentence. We are lovable we just have to become self aware and DBT is very successful in therapy. I’m sorry someone hurt you❤
@Stacy Pickens awww... that was very sweet of you. Thank you for saying that. My apologies if I came off harsh. I'm bitter. Along with being jaded, uncertain, suspicious, resentful, guarded, and absolutely terrified. And that's on a good day. (Clearly, I'm still healing, lol) Good luck to you. To all of us. ❤️
@@thirdgunmen799 it is great you see her side and also interject humor while talking about such a difficult challenge in your life. I firmly believe that humor heals us so keep laughing. That's what I try and do even in the darkest times. I just left someone after the fourth verbal attack and I feel like absolute shit. I feel like I want to help her get into treatment so I am open to advice.
This is why it’s just easier for me to be single.
@@hannahrolston4 Yeah. I feel that.
No thank you. Being love bombed then devalued for nothing I have done was awful!!
One day I will have a boring quiet loving relationship
no one's ever gonna love you jackie. i promise.
thank you for making me feel seen
I will always love her, and it tears me apart
No, with time your feelings will subside and you’ll move on. It’s a slow process but fact nevertheless. Keep dedicated. Trust me, it will get better….
I feel the same, never loved a woman as much as I loved her, but still, I suffered so much that I'm glad we're no longer together. I was at the point where it was run or die. Paradoxically, I was loving her more and more and she looked more and more indispensible to my well being as I was going deeper and deeper in digging my grave with her. That's insane.
@@emilkadd it is possible you misunderstood my sentiment, friend. I have sufficient retrospective clarity to know that as partners, we were not good for each other. We enabled and even exacerbated toxic behavior in each other. It was a mess, one that was doomed, and i know that it is better for both of us that things have ended.
I despise the actions and behaviors she chose, especially near the end, but i cannot hate the person. She was my friend before she was my partner. I care about her- i always will. I know that the person i thought she was never existed. But to me, it is as though that person died. And i have grieved for that, and i grieve still. I will always love her, and that will never change.
The high probability that she is incapable of ever being happy breaks my heart.
@@MrGpoulin yes. I wanted to die old with her. I wish i could still, even while simultaneously acknowledging, to a greater extent with each passing day, that parting was the best thing, the essential thing, for both of us.
Thank you for this.
Thank you for this helpful presentation. It seems difficult to differentiate between a borderline personality disorder and a dismissive or fearful avoidant personality disorder.
The result is similar in a society where more and more individuals are victims of unhappy relations and reluctant to enter long term relationships with the associated responsibility and become addicted to casual sex and superficial relationships, resulting in an attitude of attracting unavailable partners and repulsing any serious outcomes
Umm you’d know if you were relating to a BPD.
Basically psychotic. Extreme ups and downs. Usually crazy temper tantrums. Extreme paranoia and jealousy. They can act extremely selfish. Usually don’t care how you feel and they have little empathy. Moat talk about suicide. Craziest sec you’ll have then arguing the next hour. Flips on a switch. Extremely unstable. All their relationships have been a wreck. Usually impulsive. . .
Trust me you know when you met them. Basically your life gets flipped upside down and at some point you seek out wtf is wrong with them and you slowly lose your mind…. Is this you. Then yea she has BPD or some mix of cluster B
@@ssing7113 as a physician I am never prompt at giving a label to anyone so as to define then predict behaviours. Everyone including myself has ups and downs in life, illusions and delusions and only after a long period of observation can we identify a predominant behaviour that might or might not change if a person is ready to make the necessary effort for adaptation.
We are dealing with very complex living organisms and not with mere machines
I appreciate the clarity and tone of the video and, after being married to a BPD for 18 years, can't disagree with anything in it. My wife wasn't diagnosed until about a year ago (after I described the idealization and devaluation dynamic to our marriage counselor, who was supposed to be guiding us through the divorce that my wife had demanded and who wanted to know why I wasn't all-in on divorce after she witnessed the devaluation/abuse). Previously, my wife had been diagnosed with depression and ADD, but those had never responded well to meds or talk therapy for long. Looking back, we both agree that it was BPD all along. It's definitely gotten worse at least in the acting out of damaging (to herself and others) behaviors, but she is starting treatment (DBT). We have two young teens who have their own mental health struggles.
I certainly don't judge the significant others who choose to walk away out of self-preservation and/or the impossibility of having a normal, healthy relationship, I just don't know if I agree with all the comments here suggesting that ending the relationship is the best/only option in every case. I wouldn't recommend knowingly going into relationship with a BPD who isn't already actively in treatment (and even then only with extreme caution/education/counseling), but given the specifics of my circumstances, I would like to give my wife a chance to work on it now that she finally knows what it is, even if it takes some time to learn how to control the damaging behaviors. And I know she'll never be "cured." She sometimes says that she should leave me and the kids to stop hurting us. I have thus far resisted this suggestion because I think it's an instance of the black-or-white thinking characteristic of BPD. I.e. she thinks that if she can't be the ideal (in her mind) wife/mother, she shouldn't be a wife/mother at all. I think if she is getting treatment and actively seeking to learn to regulate her emotions, behaviors, etc., it would be more damaging to everyone for her to leave. But I may be speaking from a place of codependency. I suppose I need more counseling myself.
You are just prolonging the inevitable. I wish the best outcome of course
Read "Talking to a Loved One With Borderline Personality Disorder ", it will give you tools on boundaries and how to help her and you not escalate or too manage things much better.
My new gf has shared her past with me and opened up to me already after 2weeks. She's had a horrific time growing up in past relationships too. She's got bpd. I've told her I'd support and care and love her. She's got no confidence or self esteem either. She's on meds and is seeing a counsellor. I like her a lot and really want to be with her... This video has been really helpful. ❤️
Good luck dude.. but i recommend would set clear boundaries within yourself and you make a promise to yourself that you will not allow yourself to be used or abused. And if the relationship starts going in that direction? You have the courage to leave. Also.. watch more of Lisa’s videos on BPD and their relationship cycles.
@@MrFoxington thanks man. Lisa's videos have been very helpful so far. My gf and I haven't been together long and things have been great so far. We did have an argument on Saturday though regarding exes. How I don't want to hear about them. Yes we've all got a past and that's where they belong. But she got a bit defensive about it. I said I'm not friends with any and definitely none on social media. But she can't see my side at all. One ex is depressed all the time an she feels bad for him... I'm like, so what, you're not his responsibility he's a grown man... Then I sound like a jealous jerk. I really like her but she's got a few issues😔
I'm 65 and was diagnosed with BPD in 2015...The relationship I was in brought my abandonment issues to the surface...there was no sign of any BPD in a previous relationship...
With all due respect, is it possible that you weren't aware of your symptoms and none of your previous partners were familiar with BPD, or too scared to approach you about it? FoA is not the only symptom. You have to have 5 of 9 traits to meet the criteria for a diagnosis of BPD.
youre on point‼️