This woman is absolutely brilliant, she understands this disorder more than anyone I have watched. I spent 5 years with a woman diagnosed with this disorder and this video is spot on to a tee. All I can say to anyone trying to manage one of these relationships is that its a struggle everyday and your patience will have to be unlike anything you have ever dealt with before. I loved mine more than anyone I have ever loved in my life and it just wasn't enough. I've been out 10 months and the trauma bond still has a strong grip on me and its a very real thing that will push you to your limit so be prepared if you leave as it is not easy. Honestly its hard to say if I knew 10 months ago what I know now if id still do the same thing, its been that hard trying to get back my life. I have cried more times than I probably have my whole life. last thing I will say is if your loosing yourself get out , its not worth your mental health trying to save someone especially if they are not trying to help themselves, my experience with this is it only gets worse the more time passes and will leave you broken and a shell of your former self. If you stay I wish you all the luck in the world and pray for everyone trying you find the happiness that I couldn't. Have empathy and compassion for them even when its hard to, believe me I know that's not easy to do but I know deep down they don't wish to hurt us, I saw the woman I love struggle with this everyday and I know she suffered. I deal with that guilt everyday but I just couldn't do it anymore.
Damn. Are you sure you were writing about my relationship. But I've had 3yrs in. The hardest part is they are good people just with a glitch in their software. Thank you for sharing. Because it's given me more insight about my next steps.
Sadly it happens to the sufferer too although I understand people who've been in relationships with people with BPD struggle to have sympathy for us. I totally get it. It's brutal for all involved.
My wife was awesome for 14 years. Then she gave birth & postpartum depression triggered Borderline Personality Disorder & she has been a nightmare ever since. With women you never know, it's like rolling the dice.
My ex’s bpd was also reactivated by postpartum depression & I have heard many cases & research that this can be a trigger for a range of poor mental health outcomes. It’s a known medical/ mental health issue. It’s incredibly important that women & family have support around this if it occurs. Imo it’s not about gender it’s about caring for family & people.
@GrapeSkoda I'm not sure of the statistics, but 70% is not 100%. My thoughts on the gender aspects, though, is...no man wants to cry about being alone. So a BPD male loses the woman, runs out and finds the next one. He is called 'a player' not BPD. Narcissists are generally viewed as being male. There are plenty of narcissistic females out there. I think the toxicity of gender applied rationalizations dictate how one approaches their condition. Can you imagine a man flirting like a woman would/could?
Purposeful or not, it becomes the person with bpd’s responsibility to recognize they have an issue and do better and not just be a victim of their disorder.
Hi Jared. In learning about my former wife's BPD, I heard a common point from MH professionals, to wit, people with BPD rarely recognize and typically vehementally reists acknowledging they have the disorder, or that they have an issue at all. That in itself is a great hurdle preventing treatment. Is that consistent with your understanding?
@@pancakeface5717 yes it is. I would very rarely recommend someone staying with someone who has bpd unless they have a track record of not acting out on their disorder. Hopefully they have went to dbt and learned how to take responsibility for their disorder and not act out on it.
This response lacks understanding and tolerance. I know first hand the pain of being in a relationship with someone who has BPD, but that person is in a constant, daily struggle, and often doesn't know what to do given the multiplicity of co-morbid symptoms, trauma responses, and other diagnosis that also clouds their thinking with irrational instability. My main point... many with BPD are also co-morbid with NPD which acts as a defense mechanism for them. They simply cannot see it. Ironically, that is maybe the singular defense that prevents lethal, self-harm. While anyone who is in contact with someone with BPD has an option to leave.... be grateful for that, and compassionate, because the BPD sufferer can't (leave). They are trapped.
@@Overthetop242 no my response is with total understanding, and I want to see them do well, and in order to do that they have to take responsibility. Your thinking is more likely to enable them to stay stuck. You are treating them like a victim and being a victim is not a final destination, it is a step on the road to recovery.
Being in a bpd relationship has become too much to bear. Constantly regulating someone else’s emotional triggers is exhausting. I need to be out of this
Yep, and don't underestimate the toll the constant stress also takes on your health. After over a dozen years with a BPD gal (only later clinically diagnosed), it finally took a close call with cancer for me to eventually leave and 'wise up'.
It's really fucking hard I know. it's been only 3 months, and I'm exhausted mentally. I don't think I have the strength to do this anymore. I wish I could. I care so much, but I'm in a state of constant depression. Fucking hell.
As a man who fell in love, married, and had 3 children with a BPD, I broke down in tears around the 14:25 mark. Last year I was abruptly discarded for someone new with two small children and a 7 month old baby at home. It's been so hard to deal with. The pain is indescribable.
Thats awful, man. I hope she comes back and gets therapy or meds. But don't chase her. Let her go off and ruin herself and see you being a great dad without her. Thats your only option, even if you want her back.
Just remember, she's going to torment their new person too, even if they're making it seem perfect to make you jealous. Without seeking help, she's abusive to everyone.
14 years and 3 children together here. Left for someone new. Like I never existed. I feel you. Every day is still a struggle 2 years later. Keep going.
27 years and I leave tomorrow to move 7 states away finally. She is the love of my life and I’ll never come close to ever caring for anyone as much as I have for her. We raised 4 incredible kids together that are all working, happy and on their own now. BPD is no joke and it has taken me from a very confident life of the party, drummer in a r&r band, avid outdoorsmen, ect…ect…. All the way down to a shell of my former self because of the endless attacks and being thrown out of our house at least 50 times over the last two years. Everything in this video is spot on and it’s extremely hard to love someone with this and any of the cluster B disorders because of the toll is takes on the significant other or close friends and family members it can be absolutely horrific and leave you just gutted, I know it did me. The worst part of being with a spouse or partner with BPD is that when they finally consume all of you and you no longer hope for anything and are just barely going through your days step by step in hopes to survive without too much screaming and attacks that will keep you up until all hours of the night just depending on how tired she is it just really wears even the strongest of us down. And when she’s finally work you down and emasculated you to where you’re hanging on by the tips of your fingers is she/they will then lose any desire ti be with you because you don’t any longer push back or give her what she needs from you which is for you to be the one in the end that feels like she does inside and she wants ti see you struggle so she can tell your friends and family that you’re messed up and she then uses you and the degree of how far down she’s broken you to prop herself up and make her look good at least in her mind when she ends up in a spot or situation where she has to discuss what happened between the two of you wether it’s a get together with friends or family she will make definite sure that she comes out smelling like a rise and absorbing all the pity and attention she can from the moment and she’ll smear you with lies and made up rhetoric that make her look done wrong and to make you look sick or hateful or mean or whatever and whoever she needs you to look like in order to get her dose of pity and to make you look like shit and she won’t think twice about it even to your completely innocent children because she lacks the understanding that it’s wrong.
I realized there is NO solution to being happy in the relationship. You can give a 💯, and you'll still be cheated on, lied to, manipulated, and gas lit, guilt tripped and blame shifted. It's a living hell in which you're sleeping with the enemy and don't know it.
I can’t imagine ever living with someone that has this diagnosis or being in a relationship again. This stuff is real. I believe us people that have been through this are very co-dependent. Find out why. Get to the roots of your own problems. Find happiness in yourself. Love yourself. Be so healthy that you will attract healthy.
Yes so true, me too. In my case I had a mother like this so it was easier I guess to not see the signs in my husband. He is now deceased and I am getting counseling to take back my life.
Absolutely!! It was so great and addicting to the point where I still miss it. That’s apparently the trauma bond. It hurt so freaking bad during the low cycles, but I just knew that those good times were coming soon so I would wait for those “highs” because of how powerful our connection and bond was when things were good. It just sucks knowing in the back of your mind that the crash was going to be coming soon. You do tell yourself that “this will be the time it’s different” but it never did. It is SO heartbreaking. I love her so freaking much, love her family and friends, and could see the beautiful souls inside wanting to shine through.
Some of you say run but the hard part is when you don't notice until after you've fallen for this person, oddly enough they are always the person of your dreams! You get stuck and feel a sense of duty because of your patience. I often feel like people are placed in their lives as angels because everyone can't deal with it, problem is they don't recognize you as strong, to them patience is weak. All along you're exactly what they need.
Yes absolutely. I have been with my husband for years. I have empathy for him so I have dealt with much of his insecurities and outbursts with compassion and it has come down. We had been trying for a baby for 5 years. He just split on my and left, the same morning I found out I was pregnant. He told me I was lying and wouldn't believe any proof and that it may not "stick"😭
It’s a codependent dysfunction, if you’re not able to self reflect, you are deserving of this level of relationship. Trust me this is the law of life. And trust me when I say a healthy relationship is literally like having a piece of heaven on earth. No matter what goes down in life like illness deaths financial hardships, there is that support and love for each other that gets you through these things as a team. Had a bpd narc relationship and although we didn’t have much we went through in life it was constant battles and roller coasters. My husband and I have lost both moms, had two kids, had one kid fight cancer twice, failed business, career changes with financial issues,all kinds of stuff. Never once attacking each other through any of this and in fact we grew stronger getting through it with our pure love. Going on 16 years together
This was the hardest one for me to listen to. It's the absolute truth to what I recently experienced. I dedicated so much time and energy to helping her regulate herself and reassure her that despite any boundaries i set or things that disappointed me, i still loved her. She continuously abused that. It led to worse unfortunately. I had to walk away because it just wouldn't stop...she'd constantly prod and antagonize me. Led me back to my bible. When she saw that, she called my bible dumb! Blew my mind the type of crap she would say. Same day would be the loving person that i initially met. I miss that person dearly, but couldn't accept the disdain, contempt, and disrespect from the other side.
be wise as serpents gentle as doves... Think this is what it was written for... were in a world of snakes, gotta be selfish without being cruel, reject those who reject you. Mine hated (and would make fun) that I would watch relationship advice videos and self help material.. clearly she had no intention of wanting to better herself. I chose to not be a victim of my short comings and wanted to learn to have healthy relationships and attract better into my life, she saw this as a threat I guess. HArdest thing to do is walk away from someone you love who treats you bad. Kinda like how it would be as an infant leaving your abusive mother... you literaly think you will die since she is your source of life and source of pain. Life is confusing man
Either she has BPD or she has loved someone with BPD - the description is only something that can come from being BPD or loving someone with BPD. I’ve talked to many mental health professionals about being in love with someone that has jt and it has never been anywhere near this spot on.
Wow. This is so good. I was married to a person with BPD for 23 years. We need a BPD al-anon. Like alcoholics al-anon, but for people who have BPD people in their lives.
Wow, this was so spot on. I wish my ex therapist would tell me something like this: "Look, this is what you are deling with in your relationship..." and then continue with an explenation like yours in this video. On the other hand, it might not change much as I would stay in this kind of relationship anway. I also had to realise that I allowed it and that I'm not perfect. I have a lot of things to work on myself aswell. I'm now going to therapy and dealing with my "stuff". Stuff from my childhood, traumas, selflove, noticing my bad behaviours, "integrating my dark side", addiction with weed (btw it's going good so far) etc. I just want to be married to someone I love and who loves me and have children some day and deal with this life problems in a best way possible. I also wish the best to you, who is reading this.
This is exactly where I'm at right now. My therapist told me while I was going through the breakup process that she showed traits of BPD. I get calls and texts every day, and I don't know if it's going to be to tell me that she loves me or hates me. It's been too hard.
It is not their fault they have BPD, but who's fault is it on how poorly they treat others? It's like we are supposed to feel bad that their fists hurt due to punching us in our face.
Yes, that is what they would have you believe. And then they would seek empathy and yet another second chance from you and then repeat the process all over again. So sad as many are otherwise amazing people with a lot to offer. The bottom line is that they can't seem to control themselves, at least not for any sustained period of time but YOU can control YOU and YOU can choose to move on. The love bombing is awesome but the crash is just as epic.
I can’t believe how accurate every single word is in this. Just in shock. I love my pwBPD more than I could ever love another person but 9 years in and I’m a walking shell of my former self. I don’t believe in arguing and fighting in relationships (because childhood and father nightmares) but I’ve come to realize I’ve just enabled more of this behavior for not drawing boundaries and taking care of myself. I’m not just depressed anymore… I am walking breathing depression in the flesh. Every single word of this video is so factual that I feel shocked. But I also think that it takes a codependent to love a pwBPD well. It’s almost like mother nature designed us for them. Otherwise… without someone to take care of we’re just NPC’s walking around aimlessly in the world waiting to expire
It's not worth it. Let them go now otherwise, you'll get used up trying to care for them. What is more, they may be the one that will abandon you and harshly warned you never to come close to them again!!! All your love, all your emotional investment, all the time and energy you put into the relationship down the drain. Again, I repeat - it's not worth it, you'll ruin yourself trying to love someone who's not perceiving reality correctly!
I’m in tears watching this I been in a relationship for 12 years with someone with BPD and recently just discovered what I’m going through and I’m not alone I just pray God puts me in a better financial situation to gain my independence back thank you for this video
Walked away from one recently, LTR and all but just could not do it anymore. This video was very informative and it solidifies my decision. I did love this girl but as I come out of the fog of war I'm starting to see just how many messed up thing's I normalized. Sad as aspects of her were amazing but the constant push and pull and me walking on eggshells not to anger her for the most insignificant reasons were too much!! Its like these people want problems, always!
Couple months ago my relationship with someone with BPD ended viciously when I began setting boundaries and telling her she needed to buckle down on her behavior. I’m just glad it’s over
you did good with the boundaries, brother! Even if she left you I firmly believe in good boundaries. Not only for you, but they stabilize your partner as well. It is very attractive to women if we men do this and it gives us peace of mind.
I started doing this too. The past 3 years have been garbage. But now I'm ready to walk ...or not. I became apathetic to her outbursts. Just don't want her breaking more of my stuff.
My ex who I believe has BPD uses her grieving of lost loved ones as an excuse for her behavior. The push-pull cycle continues even today. I left her last September right around when her dad became sick and eventually passed away and she chased me for several months trying to get me to give her closure and even begging me when she was drunk to come back to the relationship showing up at bars and places that I hang out even calling and leaving voicemails cuz I had her phone number blocked. She couldn't text or get through to me by my phone ringing. When she stopped chasing me, I wondered why and approached her having a conversation about life and everything that has happened. I apologized for leaving in the manner that I did around her dad passing but I felt the relationship was going nowhere. She had split on me again the day before he passed and I could not take it any more. I'm angry, hurt, sad and very confused because I thought I was strong enough to walk away finally. But I went back again to push/pull situation with her blaming me for not showing up and caring enough. She has a habit of becoming manic and impulsive and telling me she needs space and then sometimes seeking attention from other men. It's so unhealthy, I get the excuses I'm just trying to live my authentic life on my own journey. What ever that means? I guess what I want her to say is that relationship, it's done forever goodbye. Or say hey no matter what happens we'll work it out I love you enough to work on this relationship in a healthy way never going to get that. This breakup and get back together things been going on for almost 4 years. One of my best friends told me she's selfish, and you can't fix her move on there many other women out there that don't have all these issues. My response was I just want her to love me and healthy ways I feel bad for her dad passing I feel bad for her mom passing I feel bad for her sister passing when she was a teenager. I guess I felt bad that she's never been in a healthy relationship ever, thought I could be that guy but I guess I'm dead wrong.
@@zachary007 hmmm would you say a schizophrenic person is "pathetic"? I can understand that you've been hurt. But is devaluation really the solution to anything?
@@zachary007 is it? Relationships are within us not external to us. Will it really come to an end? In my experience it won't! Because with this approach we build up resentment towards the other person which keeps us in a fear-based relationship to this type of person aka all Borderliners. If we want to go on this way, ok. But I don't buy fear. It is an illusion. I want to expand and live fear free. How can I live fear free if there is still this thing with Borderliners nagging me inside?
You're describing my situation exactly. We just recently celebrated 10 years, he changed his diet, goes to the gym, quit booze and drugs (well for now), been taking meds for bipolar, therapy and even embracing mindfulness or meditation, but none of these efforts can help curb these strong BPD love/hate cycles from happening on a weekly basis for the past year. As for me, being repeatedly accused of cheating and lying when I have not is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, it's soul crushing and I really am not myself anymore. I've been broken up with by my pwbpd over the same false accusation probably 30 times in the past year. The problem is even after he breaks up with me, even when he physically leaves and goes to another country, he is still taking things I say and perceiving them as rejection, when he's the one who's doing all the rejecting in this relationship.... When he's controlled by his mania or bpd symptoms, talking to him has become so triggering for me that I have severe anger problems. I am constantly in fight or flight mode with him. He really does rely on me for emotional stability like you said in the video, and also like what you said, I tried and the more and harder I try, the worse it seems to get, to the point that I feel like I am really hurting him. Even after my pwbpd discards me, I have to take the blame for the breakup. I always consider myself as someone who's pretty easy going. But the truth is, I completely gave him the power to dominate me because for the first time in my life I've met the one, the man of my dreams who I want to grow old with. He's everything that I want but no matter how much commitment or loyalty I can possibly show him, it's never enough, and it never will be. The only thing left to do is I need to forgive myself. I'm working on it. I'm still feeling the trauma bond, it's so hard because we also have an 8 year old....sigh
You wrote my story, minus the part about getting sober, working on himself and treating with meds and self development. I wish he'd done those things. I "might have" been able to tolerate his weekly mood swings more. I'm a very secure and patient person.
Reading comments on these videos hurts the heart. Living with BPD is likely made much harder by the belief that we should be avoided and are the worst experience someone can have. I appreciate these videos and this information. Thank you.
Stay strong and try not to let the comments get to you - the internet is full of judgemental, often hurt people who only see one side of the story; it's sad how certain conditions are vilified - but the awareness of the deeper context is and will be spreading against the stereotypes, I'm optimistic about it. You certainly don't deserve any added hurt from any of that judgemental BS, in the same way as it isn't your fault that you have the condition. Kudos to you for seeking out options to heal (I hear DBT works really well), I wish you all the best and I'm positive that you will find relief and ultimately be able to show up in the world as a wonderful person you truly are, beyond all the trauma and other BS caused by the condition. I wish you all the best on your journey; take care.
@@georgesonm1774 thank you for replying. I have picked up some DBT workbooks to utilize while I await access to therapy. I appreciate your kindness and encouragement. Thank you for caring about a stranger💛
I've recently been badly hurt after almost 13 years. I'll never understand it. I'll never understand how she could drop a loving partner like that and not have the decency to at least wait a number of months before looking towards getting a new partner. However, I do realise that the way she was is not her fault. The main thing is to recognise that you need help and to seek that help as the number 1 priority above everything else, including relationships. Once in therapy you can then perhaps work with the therapist to understand the right time to get into a relationship. As I understand it, the main difficulty most with BPD have is that they can't stand to be alone and therefore continue to enter into the same cycle of idealization, devaluation, discard (or be discarded) and don't accept responsibility, often laying the blame with the ex. I wish you all the best, just do your best to focus on yourself.
I should also add that I took the breakup really badly. Even though I knew the relationship wasn't healthy for me, my mental health took a battering and this was mainly down to HOW she went about the breakup and her NEED to get straight on with finding the new guy. Lise explains this phenomenon very well in the video (trauma bond). If many others in my situation have had similar experiences to me then I can sort of understand why they feel so strongly about people with BPD.
yup, everytime that they distance/ghost you out of the blue, it kinda cracks the bond you have, the love dissipates. Can you really call it love, i don't know, it's rather 1 sided (even if there's no manipulatory intention). They cannot do anything else but follow their emotion, which leaves you out of the equation really. You just convince yourself you're part of the equation during the good times, but really they are not able to respect your feelings and maintain the bond.
It is chocking how correct you are about BPD. I have been married to one for 30 years and it has been extremely difficult for all the reasons you have mentioned. I am completely isolated, i have lost all my friends and family. I am now at the end of my roll, have no more energy for this BPD person but I am scared of the consequences of leaving since their bad side is really bad. I have lost myself and should have realize this sooner, just not sure I have the energy to make an exit. I wish I had understood this disorder and met someone like you earlier in my life.
It is time to save yourself. However, you are probably going to need help. I hope you can find help for yourself now. You deserve a happy and peaceful life but you must choose it by taking action. Good luck.
I feel your pain I was married to a man with this disorder for 42 years and he just passed away. I just learned about this disorder little too late and it has scarred me. Now I have a daughter with it that I have no contact with.😢
Absolutely spot on with the dynamic with a bpd person. It’s a great suffering for both people in the relationship. Just accept life’s will and focus on giving life to your life and distract your mind till the pain is tolerable.
I can't be certain that my ex-wife has BPD, but she shows a lot of the signs. I had been tip-toeing around her attitude for 14 years. It wasn't until she cheated on me that I decided that enough was enough. I can't remember feeling this free and happy!
OMG!! No one has ever made sense of the insanity of trying to love someone with severe BPD like thia video does. How can I even consider abandoning my desperately ill son who is suffering so much, but how do I live with the pain and chaos that has taken over my life for over 20 years! At least this video helps me to see the situation and my choices more clearly. Thank you so much for your wisdom.
This advice is helpful, they are their own worst enemy but blame you. Its not personal, don't get triggered, don't buy into it, its not your fault. Stay calm, don't get sucked in. Validate their feelings by staying neutral ☮ Protect your Peace
Wow, how revealing. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but am in treatment and will be seeing a professional. Everything described is EXACTLY how I treated my last partner - and I am seriously in love with this girl. We are no longer together, but still communicate and see one another. These realizations are so crushing, but I refuse to live this way anymore. Just unbelievable that I haven't addressed this condition before- I knew something was wrong for years.
thank you so much for making this video! recently ended relationship with woman probably suffering from undiagnosed bpd -- not the type who split and discarded, more the clingy, needy, needed to hear me say i loved her -- and loved her so much -- very frequently. yet wanted things done her way -- in the car i should follow her directions not the phone, or there was a snit fit. i should be taking her on vacation...i should be talking about moving in and getting married. we all are bundle of needs i suppose but she seemed even more so somehow., with the RA and the ADHD ...she said she made the decision and would never break up with me, but in the end after much much soul searching my intuition seemed to say to end it... which led to extreme episodes and reactions on her part... and yet i still question myself because i remember the sweet funny good person within. hardest break up i've ever been through.
I cannot thank you enough for these videos, but esp this one. Your bluntness was needed. Also everyones comments on here help me know im not crazy and that I have been so emotionally affected by my friend's mental illness.😢
I love how she gently with caring discusses each topic. I just learned last night through these videos that I have BPD. These videos are so spot on accurate. Now it’s time to seek a good therapist. Appreciate your approach on this topic because it is a sensitive one, imo.
I think we may need to question the idea that people with BPD can't control their actions when they're tearing apart the people who love them the most. How many of these people only act up when you're alone, when you don't have any other witnesses. How many of them can act perfectly sane and calm in front of crowds, but then turn into a psycho as soon as you shut the door. That's someone who is in intense control of their actions, and they are very aware of how they look. They can choose not to do what they're doing, they just feel like they're justified.
it's not love if she can't care for your emotions/needs at all. They cannot manage at all their emotions, they are slaves of it. I can't see how real love would be possible.
You're incredible, Lise. You really nail it. Thanks to your videos I finally understand exactly what happened with my 12 years intense rollercaster relation. It's an an eye opener and it helps to process and recover from those (wasted-) years. I don't know how you do it, but you seem to understand BPD better than any other coach. Thanks.
My heart goes out to bpd sufferers, partners & families. It’s very difficult pre-diagnosis or w/o professional help. Partners must maintain composure, logic, moral compass & boundaries and still try to love the sufferer, and the bpd sufferer will need to do all they can to love u, before u r completely devalued and discarded. My prayers to all of u and thanks Lise, for all u do 💕
My partner discarded me but is still contacting me once in a while. I'm so deeply sad and devastated because I love him from the bottom of my heart. Can't stop crying 😢❤
3:45 is tough, "the difficulty to cope with relationships, and just with being human." So, if predisposed to these traits because of structural, functional, and genetic abnormalities, being told "it's not your fault" even hits that much harder as it is quickly to still be perceived as "flawed," or to be expressing pity on someone who is so deeply unfortunate, which will be the never-ending loop. It suggests that there is an inherent deficit in their capacity to experience, what can be thought of as the desire to experience the baseline / normative secure attachment that other children were otherwise thankfully not deprived of. Then the feeling turns into this sadness of not being able to experience that kind of stability between secure people, and then it goes again. Then again, it's also to be considered a potential of re-framing as, "Potential greatness has a price." The higher we fly, the harder we fall, and with a death of a thousand cuts along the way within a razor-blade hurricane vinegar ocean...and I just want to SCREAM. and a parallel for it, the example used is EUTHANIZING AN ANIMAL. ...this sucks.
This is great content. I dated a Quiet BPD a year ago. I still think about her and miss. I know in my mind I should not think of her. I know it would be bad for my own psychology. Man she love bombed me, hand written love letters every week, told me how amazing I was. Thoughtful loving gifts, cooking. Made me feel so loved and appreciated. I felt like she was the perfect woman for me. Then the devaluation stage kicked in and after only 5 months of dating we broke up. At first I was OK with it but as the weeks turned into months my depression got worse. I cried every day for 2 months straight. Uncontrollable depression crying in public restaurants. It wasn't until I came across a video like this that said what it is like to date somebody with BPD and I listened to somebody talk for over an hour in exact detail everything that happened in our relationship. Finally some one that really understood what was going on helped me get some closure and healing. Nobody loves like a borderline and nobody will hurt you as bad as the borderline (except the NPD) 2 cluster B relationships has wrecked havoc on my health physical and mental. Wish they explained this stuff in highschool.
I feel the same, never loved a woman as much as I loved her, but still, I suffered so much that I'm glad we're no longer together. I was at the point where it was run or die. Paradoxically, I was loving her more and more and she looked more and more indispensible to my well being as I was going deeper and deeper in digging my grave with her. That's insane.
@@emilkadd it is possible you misunderstood my sentiment, friend. I have sufficient retrospective clarity to know that as partners, we were not good for each other. We enabled and even exacerbated toxic behavior in each other. It was a mess, one that was doomed, and i know that it is better for both of us that things have ended. I despise the actions and behaviors she chose, especially near the end, but i cannot hate the person. She was my friend before she was my partner. I care about her- i always will. I know that the person i thought she was never existed. But to me, it is as though that person died. And i have grieved for that, and i grieve still. I will always love her, and that will never change. The high probability that she is incapable of ever being happy breaks my heart.
@@MrGpoulin yes. I wanted to die old with her. I wish i could still, even while simultaneously acknowledging, to a greater extent with each passing day, that parting was the best thing, the essential thing, for both of us.
U have no idea how much I appreciate this video. My favorite person relationship was really hard on me, but he did try to understand what I was going through, but at the end of the day, he gave up on me. I just loved him too much. I didn't have anyone to turn to. We are both free now, and that's really great. I never want a favorite person again.
My daughter is a borderline, and her attacks on my husband and myself are cruel, and below the belt. This has been happening for so many years there are times I have to take breaks to survive. Her constant breakdowns run our lives. I know she can't help it😔 I pray for her every night.🙏
I tried, I really tried. I thought I could carry a heavy load as usual and keep the whole thing going. Every 2 weeks like clockwork some person I didn't recognise showed up and blew up everything. If she didn't discard me for the 16th time last month I don't think I would have been able to leave. But I know I was becoming resentful and angry. I guess I have time now to work on my codependency issues now. God help me. I loved that chick.
@@ledeek11 that sucks bro, but I'm sure you will be safe, only one thing bro, of you child's have some similar patterns and behavior, try to give them all the love you can and seek for treatment since young's, don't let drugs and alcool cure your son's, bring them where they can learn good ways to deal with frustration and emotions, since this can be genetically transmitted, I hope for the best brother.
@@AikelTechno thanks man. I'm giving our child all the love I could. She's still a toddler, and this will probably affect her. There's no winners in the end. Everyone loses. And I promise I'll give my daughter my everything. Hope everything works out for the best for all of us brother.
I watch now merely to understand what I went through. As an attractive woman she had the abiliy To find positive reinforcements outside the relationship. At the end of the day she wanted to be Desirable and had a difficult time being held in high esteem. I suggest that BPD tends to find hostages and not relationships. And there are crossovers with narcissistic behaviors and almost sociopathic Reactions. Be safe. Protect yourself. And place your value on your willingness to play the long game, Put Understand When When to get out. As they say on the airline when Flying put the oxygen mask on yourself 1st and then deal with your loved ones around you.
Additionally thank you Lisa for keeping MEN In mind. There are just not the resources that we need to navigate so much of the hostile femininity that is out there. You help!
They love being desired, even while they complain that it can be tough to deal with the constant harassment. Double whammy!… I’m desirable AND a victim. Lol. Also, remember that it’s magnatudes easier for an average woman to move on with the typical thirsty guy compared to any man no matter what his status. But a woman who thinks she’s a winner for being easy has already lost the game.
Described 6 tumultuous years I spent with a bpd. Sadly those precious years after a ill fated marriage with a poster child narcissist has necessitated a break from getting back into the datings scene and just enjoy life devoid of drama, exhaustion and crazy making. Thank you for your illuminating videos.
This really hits home. I’m a BPD patient and this literally just destroyed my hope to ever find a relationship. And now more then ever I know it’s because of me. I wish I can say sorry to my ex fiancé. I wish I had a way to get this video to her. This is very shameful. You are absolutely right. Oh man
My partner made a full recovery after doing 'inner child work' and going through 'reconnection'. After this she lived a normal life with no signs of mental illness.
The fact that you just recognized this…. Tells me that you don’t have BPD. Many psychological disorders, including ADHD, share characteristic traits with BPD.
@@feelthebowes it could be intermittent - my partner would lapse between various disordered (and ordered) states and at times was acutely aware of her disorder but was still trapped in it.
Watching this video and reading the comments, I broke into tears. Ive been with my ex partner for 10 years and we broke up 3 years ago but I still dealing with the same patterns. I don’t want to abandon her but she broke me.
Ecclesiastes 7:26 I find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare, whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains. The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare.
I’ve never heard anyone describe the illness and it’s effect on others so perfectly and clearly. Thank you. Unfortunately there seems to be little hope for a great outcome. The goal seems to be management of the illness with the cost of a lot of burnout, especially if they won’t accept treatment. However, some therapists talk of remission and the more we understand the less we may make it worse for the for he or she with this tragic illness.
We broke up a bit over 5 months ago as I couldn’t take it anymore and called the police. first 3 months were the hardest however I still have days when I totally forget she was so mean to me and I Idolise her in a weird way. This is by far the hardest thing I had to do in my life. She is dating someone new and all her friends made sure I’m ware (she is blocked on all forms of communication but somehow her friends and my former friends make sure I get updates every weekend, thru instagram stories, I might be forced to block everyone soon.) horrible, horrible experience, I just hope with time I could accept it is over and move on. I’ve dated other girls already but I had to stop as I was thinking of her as soon as the date ended… About 3 days of making this post I finally came to my senses and accepted that everything has finished and it’s the best way like this. 2 days after that I have received an email from her asking my help on a thing that made no sense, it was a reach out, I declined to help her. I can finally say that I’m free, now all the trauma she put me thru is finally coming to the surface and I can’t never again make up with her, not even in 1 milion years, even if she will be last women on earth. I feel compassion for her and pity for the new guy (she moved with him into another country after 1 an half months of dating and 3 dates - for better context!!!!) pour guy is in for a ride of a lifetime. Sometimes I think maybe she will be better this time but deep down I know that this is why I have waited so long to end things. If anyone goes through heartbreak it will eventually go away!!!! And you will feel whole again!
Mute everyone who is connected to her. You must take her out of your visual sphere. Otherwise you’ll prolong your healing. They use social media well…. Specially to hurt you.
@@emilkadd I did this a couple of days ago, but yes I would have been way ahead without their constant cheap shows, the thing that hurt me the most is not her games, but our mutual friends, I have introduced her to them and now they kind of took part on it... Thanks for the message!
@@ionvitan8964 those motherfuckers were not your friends. Friends who truly know you would not succumb to manipulation. Dating is not best option at this stage. Take some time for yourself to heal. But keep busy. Keep your mind on some activities at all times if possible. Get new hobbies, take new classes what ever. Slow process but you’ll get there. You must accept that it was never about you. It’s a disorder bro, this experience should not shake your self worth. You could have Ben 10 out of 10 and still…. It would have been a shitshow of a life. What a waste
@@emilkadd Of course they were not. Other group of people didn't want to take part and even though in the beginning they emphasised with her (she got arrested) eventually they came around when they saw her next actions. I'm hitting the gym more than ever (best shape of my life) and finally managed to save my business which was almost bankrupt prior to our breakup but finally saved it and getting back on track. Still can't go out that much until I pay all my debt but it's a couple of weeks and I will have my life back! 1 week ago she emailed me from a new email address asking for help with a thing, I definitely turned her down but still it was better not to reply at all. Their power is out of this world.
This is so incredibly helpful. I have a friend who has been doing this kind of thing to me for two years and drive me crazy just really help me understand what’s going on. with her and me Thank you
That's my biggest challenge is knowing that the push cycle could lead to cheating or abandonment from my BPD partner. I can work on being patient but those two scenarios means "game-over". So I'm constantly on the verge of walking away when I get shut out for 5 days.
It helps to understand their push/pull is not intentional but that doesn't exonerate the behaviour or make it any easier to manage. They are overwhelmed and overinvested, The lashing out, discharging pain in hurtful reactions, projecting their pain Their self loathing is difficult to experience They are unable to self manage or self regulate their thoughts and emotions...curious what treatment is effective ? How can they be treated ? Its a mental health diagnosis that can't be used against them ...step back and realize when they are triggered and dysregulated 💥 Excellent advice TY
This is great insight. I'm someone diagnosed with this and cptsd, I've had some extreme experiences and also existed in a dysfunctional family from birth. They only advise I would share to this video, be very careful if your a person in a relationship with such a person experiencing BPD or other disorders. (There's always some other factors, from diet and lack of something nutrition to past trauma) Even tho a lover is trying to gain insight via watching 10min insights, it doesn't make the well intended soul a expert nor should it be used as fuel to patronize the person with such issues. After 1 of my near death experiences, where my car rolled off a corner in the road at 70kmph and I was thrown out the drivers window. I walked out of hospital in one week. (I had sustained a broken collar bone, deflated lung, two fractures in the spine, had a massive hole in my side the size of a man's fist, cut to the top of my eye but was lucky to keep my eye and vision. I walked out of hospital in one week. Before this accident, I was never a person that could read write, all and all I just had now grades. Something happened over the last 14 years since that accident, which date was 10/10/10. I study like never before. Into many topics. And my favourite saying from the meek humble sincere people that study psychology "The more we come to understand about the human brain, the more we realise how little we know about it" I believe this... In the realm of divine intervention, what can be first witnessed or humanly felt through emotions and feelings to be undesirable, is the beginning of something of a life changing transformation. Weather one is directly involved or indirectly involved via through some kind of connection. All WILL have an individual experience through that phenomenon, that is helping even the ones without so called problems, work through their problems.
Yeah, the BPD I know would smirk when something bad happens to me and would frown when something good happens. It’s creepy and I’m starting to think this is more sociopathic than BPD.
@@LiseLeblanc Can you do a video on why they react negatively when you give them a gift? I’ve never understood why I was treated poorly right after giving a nice gift.
@@insomniac6115 My sister's the same... I always thought she was a homicidal maniac; but her decision to save me from drowning gave me the truth. She does not care if I have all the money and the power and whatever... as long as I am mentally depressed and super sad 24/7.... which makes the most sense. Which explains why she regularly abandons her boyfriends and kids... once they show mental happiness... she does the disappearing act. What me and by brothers and friends figured out... the key to making her happy... was to "act" super sad and extremely depressed whenever she was around.
My new gf has shared her past with me and opened up to me already after 2weeks. She's had a horrific time growing up in past relationships too. She's got bpd. I've told her I'd support and care and love her. She's got no confidence or self esteem either. She's on meds and is seeing a counsellor. I like her a lot and really want to be with her... This video has been really helpful. ❤️
Good luck dude.. but i recommend would set clear boundaries within yourself and you make a promise to yourself that you will not allow yourself to be used or abused. And if the relationship starts going in that direction? You have the courage to leave. Also.. watch more of Lisa’s videos on BPD and their relationship cycles.
@@MrFoxington thanks man. Lisa's videos have been very helpful so far. My gf and I haven't been together long and things have been great so far. We did have an argument on Saturday though regarding exes. How I don't want to hear about them. Yes we've all got a past and that's where they belong. But she got a bit defensive about it. I said I'm not friends with any and definitely none on social media. But she can't see my side at all. One ex is depressed all the time an she feels bad for him... I'm like, so what, you're not his responsibility he's a grown man... Then I sound like a jealous jerk. I really like her but she's got a few issues😔
OMG. you have helped me so much with the few videos iv watched. THANKYOU SOOOOO MUCH !!!!!!!!!! Things are so much clearer now, and i can stop destroying myself so badly. I now understand its not me causin the issues, and no one is to blame. i just need to decide if i have to move on. THANKYOU.
I appreciate the clarity and tone of the video and, after being married to a BPD for 18 years, can't disagree with anything in it. My wife wasn't diagnosed until about a year ago (after I described the idealization and devaluation dynamic to our marriage counselor, who was supposed to be guiding us through the divorce that my wife had demanded and who wanted to know why I wasn't all-in on divorce after she witnessed the devaluation/abuse). Previously, my wife had been diagnosed with depression and ADD, but those had never responded well to meds or talk therapy for long. Looking back, we both agree that it was BPD all along. It's definitely gotten worse at least in the acting out of damaging (to herself and others) behaviors, but she is starting treatment (DBT). We have two young teens who have their own mental health struggles. I certainly don't judge the significant others who choose to walk away out of self-preservation and/or the impossibility of having a normal, healthy relationship, I just don't know if I agree with all the comments here suggesting that ending the relationship is the best/only option in every case. I wouldn't recommend knowingly going into relationship with a BPD who isn't already actively in treatment (and even then only with extreme caution/education/counseling), but given the specifics of my circumstances, I would like to give my wife a chance to work on it now that she finally knows what it is, even if it takes some time to learn how to control the damaging behaviors. And I know she'll never be "cured." She sometimes says that she should leave me and the kids to stop hurting us. I have thus far resisted this suggestion because I think it's an instance of the black-or-white thinking characteristic of BPD. I.e. she thinks that if she can't be the ideal (in her mind) wife/mother, she shouldn't be a wife/mother at all. I think if she is getting treatment and actively seeking to learn to regulate her emotions, behaviors, etc., it would be more damaging to everyone for her to leave. But I may be speaking from a place of codependency. I suppose I need more counseling myself.
Read "Talking to a Loved One With Borderline Personality Disorder ", it will give you tools on boundaries and how to help her and you not escalate or too manage things much better.
One of my best friends is fragile, quite naive and in a relationship with a diagnosed BPD. He's getting demolished. He is truely suffering but I dont know how to help.
he's probably got issues as well. all they can do is leave if the other person won't get help or stay if they do get help. if they stay to take abuse, you can't help either of them. let them suffer til they learn the hard way.
It’s a great explanation but all I see here is you will be emotionally abused no matter what you do or try and it’s basically a lose lose and you’ll be stuck in a co-dependant abusive relationship
Yes yes yes and yes!!!! If I didn’t know better, you are describing my ex. He is classic BPD however I had never even heard of BPD while in the relationship. He love bombed me at the beginning when I was going through a rough time in life. It was amazing. We felt like a perfect match. ….. but then after a few months it all started. He got mean and very hard on me. I had low self esteem and he beat me down where I cried everyday. This is all during the lockdown from Covid too. He would kick me out of the house along with my dog at 10 pm at night. It was so bizarre and toxic. The thing that bugs me is we tried counseling and no mention of BPD was ever mentioned. A few years later and long gone, I’m healed and so glad I understand BPD now. It’s really very sad. I hope my ex someday gets the help he deserves.
Thank you for this helpful presentation. It seems difficult to differentiate between a borderline personality disorder and a dismissive or fearful avoidant personality disorder. The result is similar in a society where more and more individuals are victims of unhappy relations and reluctant to enter long term relationships with the associated responsibility and become addicted to casual sex and superficial relationships, resulting in an attitude of attracting unavailable partners and repulsing any serious outcomes
Umm you’d know if you were relating to a BPD. Basically psychotic. Extreme ups and downs. Usually crazy temper tantrums. Extreme paranoia and jealousy. They can act extremely selfish. Usually don’t care how you feel and they have little empathy. Moat talk about suicide. Craziest sec you’ll have then arguing the next hour. Flips on a switch. Extremely unstable. All their relationships have been a wreck. Usually impulsive. . . Trust me you know when you met them. Basically your life gets flipped upside down and at some point you seek out wtf is wrong with them and you slowly lose your mind…. Is this you. Then yea she has BPD or some mix of cluster B
@@ssing7113 as a physician I am never prompt at giving a label to anyone so as to define then predict behaviours. Everyone including myself has ups and downs in life, illusions and delusions and only after a long period of observation can we identify a predominant behaviour that might or might not change if a person is ready to make the necessary effort for adaptation. We are dealing with very complex living organisms and not with mere machines
This is so scary. It’s a double edged sword! I really did it this time. Here I am in a psychiatric ward for the ongoing trauma and abuse and. After a number of relationships therapist to have never been discussed of Mental Health issues underlying our relationship issues. Three therapist gave up on us saying that we can love one another and not be right for each other and love isn’t the only thing that should bind a healthy relationship yet whoever didn’t give her response she wanted was no longer needed to be a therapist or someone qualified to help us
Same here guys, she still calls me, and say she love me and all the usually stuff that they say you know. I love her, but need to go away from her and her whole family, I blocked them all
Sad part is that it's the most loving people that trust and believe during the love bombing stage. They deserve real love because they give it up all the time. Only to get the script flipped! The ole bait and switch!
I believe you. When you lived it you get it. I was with a BPD (actually formally diagnosed) man for 10 years. He used to rage about my facial expression. Rage about how loudly I talked. He would knock packages out of my hand and in the end he raged over some confusing dinner plans. It was one of the hardest thing I had to do . Like out in the world without skin but I left today and will never return
It's extremely hard saying goodbye to someone who was your world for 6 years, and who you still love and care about. My last moments with her I was just holding her while she cried her eyes out saying things like "I thought we were best friends", "I wish this wasn't happening, "I don't know what I'm going to do without you." Leaving her all alone in that apartment, and having to break it to her family that I left. I can't imagine what that must've been like for her. I can't even think about it without tearing up. Spending years caring about them and then telling them you're leaving. The guilt is overwhelming. I know I'm viewed as this villain now. The monster that decided to leave the fragile innocent girl. Nobody understands what it was truly like.
Most people in these comments understand you perfectly brother. I'm the guy that should have left. But I put my faith in her and stuck. We got married, had children, and then immediately after the third child she hit the devaluation stage, then the discard stage. Now I'm emotionally broken and alone having to go half my life not seeing my children due to split custody. I'm your future had you stayed. You made the hard decision I wasn't wise enough to make.
Not only can I picture those last moments, I know exactly what that feels like, dude. I had to block mine from my phone after a year because of the constant lashing out/begging for forgiveness cycle. I personally don't care what her family thinks now but I really liked them when I met them all so I lost newfound family when I split with her as well, even though I wasn't allowed to see them or see my own friends either without having to be emotionally punished, either throuygh complete silence for weeks at a time or for mysterious health episodes requiring me to take her to the Emergency room where nothing was found to be wrong, except for symptoms of benzo withdraws. The phone calls from friends and family asking me if I really said or did things she was telling people I said or did always having some tiny bit of truth in the story but completely reworded to create a different picture entirely. Man it was a rollercoaster.
@@holdover8199 Wow, been there done that. 5 years of undiagnosed bpd. I loved her and I'm still trying to get over her. I belive she has a good heart, she was suprisingly honest most of the time and she also never cheated on me. Nobody made me feel this way before (in a good and in a bad way). The emotional rollercoasters were epic. I was about to marry her and have kids with her. But then the final discard happened. One day she says she loves you and the next, she is gone forever.
Good advice. I like that she doesn't demonize. I'd go further. Maybe good not to pathologies. That is, these relationships are part of the human experience, bringing meaning. Both pain and pleasure There are no perfect relationships.
What are your thoughts on showing this to my bpd spouse? She denies any disorder on her part. I called her bipolar out of anger about 5 years ago (married for 9 years) and she still brings that up like I insulted her in the worst way possible...I feel like Lise explains things in a very compassionate way but still brings the truth to the dynamic.
I am finding some people in their 40s/50s can have BPD and not know it. Why? Probably, because it feels "normal" to them and nobody has ever "gone out on a limb" and help them get evaluated by a qualified professional. I say "qualified" because I hear that some counselors and doctors don't even know what BPD is. So, IMHO I don't think that people with BPD have much hope for relief or a better life ***UNLESS*** someone in their life does "whatever it takes" to get them into evaluation, diagnosis and intensive DBT treatment. If you love your spouse and want a healthy future with her, I would consider rolling the dice with this video, and then more videos. The prize is to good to pass up and penalty (for not trying) will be too painful to endure. I hate to say it but if she strongly resists that is showing you your future. Good luck. Be strong. Take care of YOU, too.
There is NO happy ending. We all want to believe there is but at the end of the day...the roller coaster ride leads straight to hell with your partner in the front the seat screaming "SATAN I brought you another one "!!!
"You have a right to decide how many scars and injuries you will tolerate."
Now THAT is pure gold.
Right, in context of "would you euthanize an animal?" ....
This woman is absolutely brilliant, she understands this disorder more than anyone I have watched. I spent 5 years with a woman diagnosed with this disorder and this video is spot on to a tee. All I can say to anyone trying to manage one of these relationships is that its a struggle everyday and your patience will have to be unlike anything you have ever dealt with before. I loved mine more than anyone I have ever loved in my life and it just wasn't enough. I've been out 10 months and the trauma bond still has a strong grip on me and its a very real thing that will push you to your limit so be prepared if you leave as it is not easy. Honestly its hard to say if I knew 10 months ago what I know now if id still do the same thing, its been that hard trying to get back my life. I have cried more times than I probably have my whole life. last thing I will say is if your loosing yourself get out , its not worth your mental health trying to save someone especially if they are not trying to help themselves, my experience with this is it only gets worse the more time passes and will leave you broken and a shell of your former self. If you stay I wish you all the luck in the world and pray for everyone trying you find the happiness that I couldn't. Have empathy and compassion for them even when its hard to, believe me I know that's not easy to do but I know deep down they don't wish to hurt us, I saw the woman I love struggle with this everyday and I know she suffered. I deal with that guilt everyday but I just couldn't do it anymore.
Why live like that ? Life is to short . It’s more excuses for people who are making choices … grown adults that are choosing to do what they do ..
Well said!
Damn. Are you sure you were writing about my relationship. But I've had 3yrs in.
The hardest part is they are good people just with a glitch in their software.
Thank you for sharing. Because it's given me more insight about my next steps.
Love your bpd spouse just as God loves them and u will be together forever
Prayers for your recovery, brother
That love-hate pattern will truly destroy you, both mentally & physically - it’s not OK, and no one deserves to go through it.
Sadly it happens to the sufferer too although I understand people who've been in relationships with people with BPD struggle to have sympathy for us. I totally get it. It's brutal for all involved.
My wife was awesome for 14 years. Then she gave birth & postpartum depression triggered Borderline Personality Disorder & she has been a nightmare ever since. With women you never know, it's like rolling the dice.
@George Vue Don't blame that on a gender. Men can be borderline too.
My ex’s bpd was also reactivated by postpartum depression & I have heard many cases & research that this can be a trigger for a range of poor mental health outcomes. It’s a known medical/ mental health issue. It’s incredibly important that women & family have support around this if it occurs. Imo it’s not about gender it’s about caring for family & people.
@GrapeSkoda I'm not sure of the statistics, but 70% is not 100%. My thoughts on the gender aspects, though, is...no man wants to cry about being alone. So a BPD male loses the woman, runs out and finds the next one. He is called 'a player' not BPD. Narcissists are generally viewed as being male. There are plenty of narcissistic females out there. I think the toxicity of gender applied rationalizations dictate how one approaches their condition. Can you imagine a man flirting like a woman would/could?
Purposeful or not, it becomes the person with bpd’s responsibility to recognize they have an issue and do better and not just be a victim of their disorder.
Hi Jared. In learning about my former wife's BPD, I heard a common point from MH professionals, to wit, people with BPD rarely recognize and typically vehementally reists acknowledging they have the disorder, or that they have an issue at all. That in itself is a great hurdle preventing treatment. Is that consistent with your understanding?
@@pancakeface5717 yes it is. I would very rarely recommend someone staying with someone who has bpd unless they have a track record of not acting out on their disorder. Hopefully they have went to dbt and learned how to take responsibility for their disorder and not act out on it.
this ^ In my experience not even the police can fix them. Only they can fix themselves (if they tried)
This response lacks understanding and tolerance. I know first hand the pain of being in a relationship with someone who has BPD, but that person is in a constant, daily struggle, and often doesn't know what to do given the multiplicity of co-morbid symptoms, trauma responses, and other diagnosis that also clouds their thinking with irrational instability. My main point... many with BPD are also co-morbid with NPD which acts as a defense mechanism for them. They simply cannot see it. Ironically, that is maybe the singular defense that prevents lethal, self-harm. While anyone who is in contact with someone with BPD has an option to leave.... be grateful for that, and compassionate, because the BPD sufferer can't (leave). They are trapped.
@@Overthetop242 no my response is with total understanding, and I want to see them do well, and in order to do that they have to take responsibility. Your thinking is more likely to enable them to stay stuck. You are treating them like a victim and being a victim is not a final destination, it is a step on the road to recovery.
Being in a bpd relationship has become too much to bear. Constantly regulating someone else’s emotional triggers is exhausting. I need to be out of this
Yes. And it makes this normally chill person feel like THEY are going nutso!
Yep, and don't underestimate the toll the constant stress also takes on your health. After over a dozen years with a BPD gal (only later clinically diagnosed), it finally took a close call with cancer for me to eventually leave and 'wise up'.
One can only imagine what it's like for the person with bpd.
@@dianemorrell9638Yes. Still, and ultimately, you *have* to think of you first.
It's really fucking hard I know. it's been only 3 months, and I'm exhausted mentally. I don't think I have the strength to do this anymore. I wish I could. I care so much, but I'm in a state of constant depression. Fucking hell.
As a man who fell in love, married, and had 3 children with a BPD, I broke down in tears around the 14:25 mark. Last year I was abruptly discarded for someone new with two small children and a 7 month old baby at home. It's been so hard to deal with. The pain is indescribable.
Thats awful, man. I hope she comes back and gets therapy or meds. But don't chase her. Let her go off and ruin herself and see you being a great dad without her. Thats your only option, even if you want her back.
Just remember, she's going to torment their new person too, even if they're making it seem perfect to make you jealous. Without seeking help, she's abusive to everyone.
Yes I have heard of this happening before. Reach out if you want someone to talk to brother.
@@ltopomcfly5583 very true
14 years and 3 children together here. Left for someone new. Like I never existed. I feel you. Every day is still a struggle 2 years later. Keep going.
27 years and I leave tomorrow to move 7 states away finally. She is the love of my life and I’ll never come close to ever caring for anyone as much as I have for her. We raised 4 incredible kids together that are all working, happy and on their own now. BPD is no joke and it has taken me from a very confident life of the party, drummer in a r&r band, avid outdoorsmen, ect…ect…. All the way down to a shell of my former self because of the endless attacks and being thrown out of our house at least 50 times over the last two years. Everything in this video is spot on and it’s extremely hard to love someone with this and any of the cluster B disorders because of the toll is takes on the significant other or close friends and family members it can be absolutely horrific and leave you just gutted, I know it did me. The worst part of being with a spouse or partner with BPD is that when they finally consume all of you and you no longer hope for anything and are just barely going through your days step by step in hopes to survive without too much screaming and attacks that will keep you up until all hours of the night just depending on how tired she is it just really wears even the strongest of us down. And when she’s finally work you down and emasculated you to where you’re hanging on by the tips of your fingers is she/they will then lose any desire ti be with you because you don’t any longer push back or give her what she needs from you which is for you to be the one in the end that feels like she does inside and she wants ti see you struggle so she can tell your friends and family that you’re messed up and she then uses you and the degree of how far down she’s broken you to prop herself up and make her look good at least in her mind when she ends up in a spot or situation where she has to discuss what happened between the two of you wether it’s a get together with friends or family she will make definite sure that she comes out smelling like a rise and absorbing all the pity and attention she can from the moment and she’ll smear you with lies and made up rhetoric that make her look done wrong and to make you look sick or hateful or mean or whatever and whoever she needs you to look like in order to get her dose of pity and to make you look like shit and she won’t think twice about it even to your completely innocent children because she lacks the understanding that it’s wrong.
I realized there is NO solution to being happy in the relationship. You can give a 💯, and you'll still be cheated on, lied to, manipulated, and gas lit, guilt tripped and blame shifted. It's a living hell in which you're sleeping with the enemy and don't know it.
OMG !!! 26 years here, and you are 100% on spot
I can’t imagine ever living with someone that has this diagnosis or being in a relationship again.
This stuff is real. I believe us people that have been through this are very co-dependent. Find out why. Get to the roots of your own problems.
Find happiness in yourself. Love yourself. Be so healthy that you will attract healthy.
Yes so true, me too. In my case I had a mother like this so it was easier I guess to not see the signs in my husband. He is now deceased and I am getting counseling to take back my life.
Exactly!!!
Absolutely!! It was so great and addicting to the point where I still miss it. That’s apparently the trauma bond. It hurt so freaking bad during the low cycles, but I just knew that those good times were coming soon so I would wait for those “highs” because of how powerful our connection and bond was when things were good. It just sucks knowing in the back of your mind that the crash was going to be coming soon. You do tell yourself that “this will be the time it’s different” but it never did. It is SO heartbreaking. I love her so freaking much, love her family and friends, and could see the beautiful souls inside wanting to shine through.
Some of you say run but the hard part is when you don't notice until after you've fallen for this person, oddly enough they are always the person of your dreams! You get stuck and feel a sense of duty because of your patience. I often feel like people are placed in their lives as angels because everyone can't deal with it, problem is they don't recognize you as strong, to them patience is weak. All along you're exactly what they need.
Yes absolutely. I have been with my husband for years. I have empathy for him so I have dealt with much of his insecurities and outbursts with compassion and it has come down. We had been trying for a baby for 5 years. He just split on my and left, the same morning I found out I was pregnant. He told me I was lying and wouldn't believe any proof and that it may not "stick"😭
It’s a codependent dysfunction, if you’re not able to self reflect, you are deserving of this level of relationship. Trust me this is the law of life. And trust me when I say a healthy relationship is literally like having a piece of heaven on earth. No matter what goes down in life like illness deaths financial hardships, there is that support and love for each other that gets you through these things as a team.
Had a bpd narc relationship and although we didn’t have much we went through in life it was constant battles and roller coasters.
My husband and I have lost both moms, had two kids, had one kid fight cancer twice, failed business, career changes with financial issues,all kinds of stuff. Never once attacking each other through any of this and in fact we grew stronger getting through it with our pure love. Going on 16 years together
This was the hardest one for me to listen to. It's the absolute truth to what I recently experienced. I dedicated so much time and energy to helping her regulate herself and reassure her that despite any boundaries i set or things that disappointed me, i still loved her. She continuously abused that. It led to worse unfortunately. I had to walk away because it just wouldn't stop...she'd constantly prod and antagonize me. Led me back to my bible. When she saw that, she called my bible dumb! Blew my mind the type of crap she would say. Same day would be the loving person that i initially met. I miss that person dearly, but couldn't accept the disdain, contempt, and disrespect from the other side.
be wise as serpents gentle as doves... Think this is what it was written for... were in a world of snakes, gotta be selfish without being cruel, reject those who reject you. Mine hated (and would make fun) that I would watch relationship advice videos and self help material.. clearly she had no intention of wanting to better herself. I chose to not be a victim of my short comings and wanted to learn to have healthy relationships and attract better into my life, she saw this as a threat I guess. HArdest thing to do is walk away from someone you love who treats you bad. Kinda like how it would be as an infant leaving your abusive mother... you literaly think you will die since she is your source of life and source of pain. Life is confusing man
Either she has BPD or she has loved someone with BPD - the description is only something that can come from being BPD or loving someone with BPD. I’ve talked to many mental health professionals about being in love with someone that has jt and it has never been anywhere near this spot on.
Yeah, plus she seems genuinely compassionate.
Or, she’s highly experienced in dealing with BPD. Watch more of her videos she’s always this spot on.
Big respect to everyone who manages to have the internal strength to sustain a trauma bond without losing themselves.
Going strong here .. ploughing through the pain every day is better and better less pain by today🎉❤😊
I beat the trauma bonds. 4x! 3 different women. These types are attracted to me. It's a lot of work but totally possible. Love yourself first.
Wow. This is so good. I was married to a person with BPD for 23 years. We need a BPD al-anon. Like alcoholics al-anon, but for people who have BPD people in their lives.
100%
It's called CODA
Definitely
There’s a Reddit but everyone’s pretty miserable there it’s like loved ones of pwbpd have a look
Wow, this was so spot on. I wish my ex therapist would tell me something like this: "Look, this is what you are deling with in your relationship..." and then continue with an explenation like yours in this video.
On the other hand, it might not change much as I would stay in this kind of relationship anway. I also had to realise that I allowed it and that I'm not perfect. I have a lot of things to work on myself aswell. I'm now going to therapy and dealing with my "stuff". Stuff from my childhood, traumas, selflove, noticing my bad behaviours, "integrating my dark side", addiction with weed (btw it's going good so far) etc.
I just want to be married to someone I love and who loves me and have children some day and deal with this life problems in a best way possible.
I also wish the best to you, who is reading this.
This is exactly where I'm at right now. My therapist told me while I was going through the breakup process that she showed traits of BPD. I get calls and texts every day, and I don't know if it's going to be to tell me that she loves me or hates me. It's been too hard.
It is not their fault they have BPD, but who's fault is it on how poorly they treat others? It's like we are supposed to feel bad that their fists hurt due to punching us in our face.
Yep. Funny and true. Need a sense if humor.
they burn your house down, and get mad at your reaction.
Yes, that is what they would have you believe. And then they would seek empathy and yet another second chance from you and then repeat the process all over again. So sad as many are otherwise amazing people with a lot to offer. The bottom line is that they can't seem to control themselves, at least not for any sustained period of time but YOU can control YOU and YOU can choose to move on. The love bombing is awesome but the crash is just as epic.
100000% correct...argh
can you stop using "their" like we're all the exact same?
I can’t believe how accurate every single word is in this. Just in shock. I love my pwBPD more than I could ever love another person but 9 years in and I’m a walking shell of my former self. I don’t believe in arguing and fighting in relationships (because childhood and father nightmares) but I’ve come to realize I’ve just enabled more of this behavior for not drawing boundaries and taking care of myself. I’m not just depressed anymore… I am walking breathing depression in the flesh. Every single word of this video is so factual that I feel shocked. But I also think that it takes a codependent to love a pwBPD well. It’s almost like mother nature designed us for them. Otherwise… without someone to take care of we’re just NPC’s walking around aimlessly in the world waiting to expire
@joeyg...Been there..exactly the same..fuck it
It's not worth it. Let them go now otherwise, you'll get used up trying to care for them. What is more, they may be the one that will abandon you and harshly warned you never to come close to them again!!! All your love, all your emotional investment, all the time and energy you put into the relationship down the drain. Again, I repeat - it's not worth it, you'll ruin yourself trying to love someone who's not perceiving reality correctly!
I’m in tears watching this I been in a relationship for 12 years with someone with BPD and recently just discovered what I’m going through and I’m not alone I just pray God puts me in a better financial situation to gain my independence back thank you for this video
Took the exact words out of my head
Walked away from one recently, LTR and all but just could not do it anymore. This video was very informative and it solidifies my decision.
I did love this girl but as I come out of the fog of war I'm starting to see just how many messed up thing's I normalized.
Sad as aspects of her were amazing but the constant push and pull and me walking on eggshells not to anger her for the most insignificant reasons were too much!!
Its like these people want problems, always!
Drama every day! They have no friends, they have not much family left. It’s sad, but I had to walk.
Couple months ago my relationship with someone with BPD ended viciously when I began setting boundaries and telling her she needed to buckle down on her behavior. I’m just glad it’s over
you did good with the boundaries, brother! Even if she left you I firmly believe in good boundaries. Not only for you, but they stabilize your partner as well. It is very attractive to women if we men do this and it gives us peace of mind.
I started doing this too. The past 3 years have been garbage. But now I'm ready to walk ...or not. I became apathetic to her outbursts. Just don't want her breaking more of my stuff.
My ex who I believe has BPD uses her grieving of lost loved ones as an excuse for her behavior. The push-pull cycle continues even today. I left her last September right around when her dad became sick and eventually passed away and she chased me for several months trying to get me to give her closure and even begging me when she was drunk to come back to the relationship showing up at bars and places that I hang out even calling and leaving voicemails cuz I had her phone number blocked. She couldn't text or get through to me by my phone ringing. When she stopped chasing me, I wondered why and approached her having a conversation about life and everything that has happened. I apologized for leaving in the manner that I did around her dad passing but I felt the relationship was going nowhere. She had split on me again the day before he passed and I could not take it any more. I'm angry, hurt, sad and very confused because I thought I was strong enough to walk away finally. But I went back again to push/pull situation with her blaming me for not showing up and caring enough. She has a habit of becoming manic and impulsive and telling me she needs space and then sometimes seeking attention from other men. It's so unhealthy, I get the excuses I'm just trying to live my authentic life on my own journey. What ever that means? I guess what I want her to say is that relationship, it's done forever goodbye. Or say hey no matter what happens we'll work it out I love you enough to work on this relationship in a healthy way never going to get that. This breakup and get back together things been going on for almost 4 years. One of my best friends told me she's selfish, and you can't fix her move on there many other women out there that don't have all these issues. My response was I just want her to love me and healthy ways I feel bad for her dad passing I feel bad for her mom passing I feel bad for her sister passing when she was a teenager. I guess I felt bad that she's never been in a healthy relationship ever, thought I could be that guy but I guess I'm dead wrong.
@@zachary007 hmmm would you say a schizophrenic person is "pathetic"? I can understand that you've been hurt. But is devaluation really the solution to anything?
@@zachary007 is it? Relationships are within us not external to us. Will it really come to an end? In my experience it won't!
Because with this approach we build up resentment towards the other person which keeps us in a fear-based relationship to this type of person aka all Borderliners. If we want to go on this way, ok. But I don't buy fear. It is an illusion. I want to expand and live fear free. How can I live fear free if there is still this thing with Borderliners nagging me inside?
You're describing my situation exactly. We just recently celebrated 10 years, he changed his diet, goes to the gym, quit booze and drugs (well for now), been taking meds for bipolar, therapy and even embracing mindfulness or meditation, but none of these efforts can help curb these strong BPD love/hate cycles from happening on a weekly basis for the past year. As for me, being repeatedly accused of cheating and lying when I have not is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, it's soul crushing and I really am not myself anymore. I've been broken up with by my pwbpd over the same false accusation probably 30 times in the past year. The problem is even after he breaks up with me, even when he physically leaves and goes to another country, he is still taking things I say and perceiving them as rejection, when he's the one who's doing all the rejecting in this relationship.... When he's controlled by his mania or bpd symptoms, talking to him has become so triggering for me that I have severe anger problems. I am constantly in fight or flight mode with him. He really does rely on me for emotional stability like you said in the video, and also like what you said, I tried and the more and harder I try, the worse it seems to get, to the point that I feel like I am really hurting him. Even after my pwbpd discards me, I have to take the blame for the breakup. I always consider myself as someone who's pretty easy going. But the truth is, I completely gave him the power to dominate me because for the first time in my life I've met the one, the man of my dreams who I want to grow old with. He's everything that I want but no matter how much commitment or loyalty I can possibly show him, it's never enough, and it never will be. The only thing left to do is I need to forgive myself. I'm working on it. I'm still feeling the trauma bond, it's so hard because we also have an 8 year old....sigh
Have you joined Jesus? He needs Jesus and sexual purity to be healed. BPD people need to be celibate.
You wrote my story, minus the part about getting sober, working on himself and treating with meds and self development.
I wish he'd done those things. I "might have" been able to tolerate his weekly mood swings more. I'm a very secure and patient person.
Oh Dear God. I went through this. It's no fun. And don't stay in the relationship thinking you can save them. Save yourself. Leave. Life is short.
Reading comments on these videos hurts the heart. Living with BPD is likely made much harder by the belief that we should be avoided and are the worst experience someone can have. I appreciate these videos and this information. Thank you.
Stay strong and try not to let the comments get to you - the internet is full of judgemental, often hurt people who only see one side of the story; it's sad how certain conditions are vilified - but the awareness of the deeper context is and will be spreading against the stereotypes, I'm optimistic about it. You certainly don't deserve any added hurt from any of that judgemental BS, in the same way as it isn't your fault that you have the condition. Kudos to you for seeking out options to heal (I hear DBT works really well), I wish you all the best and I'm positive that you will find relief and ultimately be able to show up in the world as a wonderful person you truly are, beyond all the trauma and other BS caused by the condition. I wish you all the best on your journey; take care.
@@georgesonm1774 thank you for replying. I have picked up some DBT workbooks to utilize while I await access to therapy. I appreciate your kindness and encouragement. Thank you for caring about a stranger💛
I've recently been badly hurt after almost 13 years. I'll never understand it. I'll never understand how she could drop a loving partner like that and not have the decency to at least wait a number of months before looking towards getting a new partner. However, I do realise that the way she was is not her fault. The main thing is to recognise that you need help and to seek that help as the number 1 priority above everything else, including relationships. Once in therapy you can then perhaps work with the therapist to understand the right time to get into a relationship. As I understand it, the main difficulty most with BPD have is that they can't stand to be alone and therefore continue to enter into the same cycle of idealization, devaluation, discard (or be discarded) and don't accept responsibility, often laying the blame with the ex. I wish you all the best, just do your best to focus on yourself.
I should also add that I took the breakup really badly. Even though I knew the relationship wasn't healthy for me, my mental health took a battering and this was mainly down to HOW she went about the breakup and her NEED to get straight on with finding the new guy. Lise explains this phenomenon very well in the video (trauma bond). If many others in my situation have had similar experiences to me then I can sort of understand why they feel so strongly about people with BPD.
@@TopKat1 thank you for your input here. I hope you are doing much better now after exiting that relationship.♥️
Just a roller coaster type of relationship, it will basically kill your love for this person …..
yup, everytime that they distance/ghost you out of the blue, it kinda cracks the bond you have, the love dissipates. Can you really call it love, i don't know, it's rather 1 sided (even if there's no manipulatory intention). They cannot do anything else but follow their emotion, which leaves you out of the equation really. You just convince yourself you're part of the equation during the good times, but really they are not able to respect your feelings and maintain the bond.
It is chocking how correct you are about BPD. I have been married to one for 30 years and it has been extremely difficult for all the reasons you have mentioned. I am completely isolated, i have lost all my friends and family. I am now at the end of my roll, have no more energy for this BPD person but I am scared of the consequences of leaving since their bad side is really bad. I have lost myself and should have realize this sooner, just not sure I have the energy to make an exit. I wish I had understood this disorder and met someone like you earlier in my life.
You sure they're BPD not NPD?
It is time to save yourself. However, you are probably going to need help. I hope you can find help for yourself now. You deserve a happy and peaceful life but you must choose it by taking action. Good luck.
I feel your pain I was married to a man with this disorder for 42 years and he just passed away. I just learned about this disorder little too late and it has scarred me. Now I have a daughter with it that I have no contact with.😢
Please love her endlessly if she’s loyal
Absolutely spot on with the dynamic with a bpd person. It’s a great suffering for both people in the relationship. Just accept life’s will and focus on giving life to your life and distract your mind till the pain is tolerable.
I can't be certain that my ex-wife has BPD, but she shows a lot of the signs. I had been tip-toeing around her attitude for 14 years. It wasn't until she cheated on me that I decided that enough was enough.
I can't remember feeling this free and happy!
OMG!! No one has ever made sense of the insanity of trying to love someone with severe BPD like thia video does. How can I even consider abandoning my desperately ill son who is suffering so much, but how do I live with the pain and chaos that has taken over my life for over 20 years! At least this video helps me to see the situation and my choices more clearly. Thank you so much for your wisdom.
This advice is helpful, they are their own worst enemy but blame you. Its not personal, don't get triggered, don't buy into it, its not your fault. Stay calm, don't get sucked in. Validate their feelings by staying neutral ☮ Protect your Peace
Wow, how revealing. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but am in treatment and will be seeing a professional. Everything described is EXACTLY how I treated my last partner - and I am seriously in love with this girl. We are no longer together, but still communicate and see one another. These realizations are so crushing, but I refuse to live this way anymore. Just unbelievable that I haven't addressed this condition before- I knew something was wrong for years.
Lise is a fountain of knowledge.
I am suffering of BPD and I feel so understood the way you explain it.
Wow! I needed this today. I thought I was losing my mind.
Lise and her videos and my own therapist saved me from a certain death.
thank you so much for making this video! recently ended relationship with woman probably suffering from undiagnosed bpd -- not the type who split and discarded, more the clingy, needy, needed to hear me say i loved her -- and loved her so much -- very frequently. yet wanted things done her way -- in the car i should follow her directions not the phone, or there was a snit fit. i should be taking her on vacation...i should be talking about moving in and getting married. we all are bundle of needs i suppose but she seemed even more so somehow., with the RA and the ADHD ...she said she made the decision and would never break up with me, but in the end after much much soul searching my intuition seemed to say to end it... which led to extreme episodes and reactions on her part... and yet i still question myself because i remember the sweet funny good person within. hardest break up i've ever been through.
I cannot thank you enough for these videos, but esp this one. Your bluntness was needed. Also everyones comments on here help me know im not crazy and that I have been so emotionally affected by my friend's mental illness.😢
I love how she gently with caring discusses each topic. I just learned last night through these videos that I have BPD. These videos are so spot on accurate. Now it’s time to seek a good therapist. Appreciate your approach on this topic because it is a sensitive one, imo.
Amazingly accurate. If only I could have come across this content sooner. My last relationship was so exhausting and it all makes sense now.
I think we may need to question the idea that people with BPD can't control their actions when they're tearing apart the people who love them the most. How many of these people only act up when you're alone, when you don't have any other witnesses. How many of them can act perfectly sane and calm in front of crowds, but then turn into a psycho as soon as you shut the door. That's someone who is in intense control of their actions, and they are very aware of how they look. They can choose not to do what they're doing, they just feel like they're justified.
exactly. My ex BPD friend behaves normally for 4 years and was able to accept criticism. As soon as friendship progessed she became really psycho :)
My BPD didn’t control his anger in public, that was one of the biggest issues… he would try but embarrassed me stil.
This is dehumanizing, but ok, go off.
Oh...thats not..
@@juliapanko9192NO SHE DIDNT BECAUSE PSYCHOPATHY IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DISORDER. HOLY SHIT.
"step back and manage your own emotions". Yeah I stepped back, then she also took that as abandonment, cant win lol
it's not love if she can't care for your emotions/needs at all. They cannot manage at all their emotions, they are slaves of it. I can't see how real love would be possible.
This is by far the best description I have found of a BPD relationship, every statement is on point.
You're incredible, Lise. You really nail it. Thanks to your videos I finally understand exactly what happened with my 12 years intense rollercaster relation. It's an an eye opener and it helps to process and recover from those (wasted-) years.
I don't know how you do it, but you seem to understand BPD better than any other coach.
Thanks.
I never comment on videos. But this one really hit home. Thanks for this.
My heart goes out to bpd sufferers, partners & families. It’s very difficult pre-diagnosis or w/o professional help. Partners must maintain composure, logic, moral compass & boundaries and still try to love the sufferer, and the bpd sufferer will need to do all they can to love u, before u r completely devalued and discarded. My prayers to all of u and thanks Lise, for all u do 💕
My partner discarded me but is still contacting me once in a while. I'm so deeply sad and devastated because I love him from the bottom of my heart. Can't stop crying 😢❤
3:45 is tough, "the difficulty to cope with relationships, and just with being human." So, if predisposed to these traits because of structural, functional, and genetic abnormalities, being told "it's not your fault" even hits that much harder as it is quickly to still be perceived as "flawed," or to be expressing pity on someone who is so deeply unfortunate, which will be the never-ending loop.
It suggests that there is an inherent deficit in their capacity to experience, what can be thought of as the desire to experience the baseline / normative secure attachment that other children were otherwise thankfully not deprived of. Then the feeling turns into this sadness of not being able to experience that kind of stability between secure people, and then it goes again.
Then again, it's also to be considered a potential of re-framing as, "Potential greatness has a price."
The higher we fly, the harder we fall, and with a death of a thousand cuts along the way within a razor-blade hurricane vinegar ocean...and I just want to SCREAM.
and a parallel for it, the example used is EUTHANIZING AN ANIMAL.
...this sucks.
This is great content. I dated a Quiet BPD a year ago. I still think about her and miss. I know in my mind I should not think of her. I know it would be bad for my own psychology. Man she love bombed me, hand written love letters every week, told me how amazing I was. Thoughtful loving gifts, cooking. Made me feel so loved and appreciated. I felt like she was the perfect woman for me. Then the devaluation stage kicked in and after only 5 months of dating we broke up. At first I was OK with it but as the weeks turned into months my depression got worse. I cried every day for 2 months straight. Uncontrollable depression crying in public restaurants. It wasn't until I came across a video like this that said what it is like to date somebody with BPD and I listened to somebody talk for over an hour in exact detail everything that happened in our relationship. Finally some one that really understood what was going on helped me get some closure and healing. Nobody loves like a borderline and nobody will hurt you as bad as the borderline (except the NPD) 2 cluster B relationships has wrecked havoc on my health physical and mental. Wish they explained this stuff in highschool.
I will always love her, and it tears me apart
No, with time your feelings will subside and you’ll move on. It’s a slow process but fact nevertheless. Keep dedicated. Trust me, it will get better….
I feel the same, never loved a woman as much as I loved her, but still, I suffered so much that I'm glad we're no longer together. I was at the point where it was run or die. Paradoxically, I was loving her more and more and she looked more and more indispensible to my well being as I was going deeper and deeper in digging my grave with her. That's insane.
@@emilkadd it is possible you misunderstood my sentiment, friend. I have sufficient retrospective clarity to know that as partners, we were not good for each other. We enabled and even exacerbated toxic behavior in each other. It was a mess, one that was doomed, and i know that it is better for both of us that things have ended.
I despise the actions and behaviors she chose, especially near the end, but i cannot hate the person. She was my friend before she was my partner. I care about her- i always will. I know that the person i thought she was never existed. But to me, it is as though that person died. And i have grieved for that, and i grieve still. I will always love her, and that will never change.
The high probability that she is incapable of ever being happy breaks my heart.
@@MrGpoulin yes. I wanted to die old with her. I wish i could still, even while simultaneously acknowledging, to a greater extent with each passing day, that parting was the best thing, the essential thing, for both of us.
U have no idea how much I appreciate this video. My favorite person relationship was really hard on me, but he did try to understand what I was going through, but at the end of the day, he gave up on me.
I just loved him too much. I didn't have anyone to turn to. We are both free now, and that's really great. I never want a favorite person again.
My daughter is a borderline, and her attacks on my husband and myself are cruel, and below the belt. This has been happening for so many years there are times I have to take breaks to survive. Her constant breakdowns run our lives. I know she can't help it😔 I pray for her every night.🙏
She's that way because of you. Christ. 🙄
if she has a personality disorder, it's your fault.
Yeah no offence but that level of unaware is to be discerned with your own diagnosis
As someone with BPD, I can tell you that she CAN help it. With proper psychotherapy. With proper treatment, BPD has a 90% recovery rate
@@ximar0ckstrx 90%? That doesn't seem accurate. No offense.
I tried, I really tried. I thought I could carry a heavy load as usual and keep the whole thing going. Every 2 weeks like clockwork some person I didn't recognise showed up and blew up everything. If she didn't discard me for the 16th time last month I don't think I would have been able to leave. But I know I was becoming resentful and angry. I guess I have time now to work on my codependency issues now. God help me. I loved that chick.
Same exact situation
You can do it bro. I just got out of something similar. Now going through divorce and custody and it's hell. You got this.
@@ledeek11 that sucks bro, but I'm sure you will be safe, only one thing bro, of you child's have some similar patterns and behavior, try to give them all the love you can and seek for treatment since young's, don't let drugs and alcool cure your son's, bring them where they can learn good ways to deal with frustration and emotions, since this can be genetically transmitted, I hope for the best brother.
@@AikelTechno thanks man. I'm giving our child all the love I could. She's still a toddler, and this will probably affect her.
There's no winners in the end. Everyone loses. And I promise I'll give my daughter my everything.
Hope everything works out for the best for all of us brother.
@@ledeek11 life will bless you brother
I watch now merely to understand what I went through. As an attractive woman she had the abiliy To find positive reinforcements outside the relationship. At the end of the day she wanted to be Desirable and had a difficult time being held in high esteem. I suggest that BPD tends to find hostages and not relationships. And there are crossovers with narcissistic behaviors and almost sociopathic Reactions. Be safe. Protect yourself. And place your value on your willingness to play the long game, Put Understand When When to get out. As they say on the airline when Flying put the oxygen mask on yourself 1st and then deal with your loved ones around you.
Additionally thank you Lisa for keeping MEN In mind. There are just not the resources that we need to navigate so much of the hostile femininity that is out there. You help!
They love being desired, even while they complain that it can be tough to deal with the constant harassment. Double whammy!… I’m desirable AND a victim. Lol. Also, remember that it’s magnatudes easier for an average woman to move on with the typical thirsty guy compared to any man no matter what his status. But a woman who thinks she’s a winner for being easy has already lost the game.
This made me cry 😢 but also gave me so much clarification 🙏 Thank you Lise ❤
Described 6 tumultuous years I spent with a bpd. Sadly those precious years after a ill fated marriage with a poster child narcissist has necessitated a break from getting back into the datings scene and just enjoy life devoid of drama, exhaustion and crazy making. Thank you for your illuminating videos.
This really hits home. I’m a BPD patient and this literally just destroyed my hope to ever find a relationship. And now more then ever I know it’s because of me. I wish I can say sorry to my ex fiancé. I wish I had a way to get this video to her. This is very shameful. You are absolutely right.
Oh man
You can get therapy. It’s treatable. Go do the work so you can get the relationship you want
The worst thing you can do is blame yourself - you didn't cause your own disorder. Treat yourself with forgiveness and compassion.
My partner made a full recovery after doing 'inner child work' and going through 'reconnection'. After this she lived a normal life with no signs of mental illness.
The fact that you just recognized this…. Tells me that you don’t have BPD. Many psychological disorders, including ADHD, share characteristic traits with BPD.
@@feelthebowes it could be intermittent - my partner would lapse between various disordered (and ordered) states and at times was acutely aware of her disorder but was still trapped in it.
Watching this video and reading the comments, I broke into tears. Ive been with my ex partner for 10 years and we broke up 3 years ago but I still dealing with the same patterns. I don’t want to abandon her but she broke me.
Ecclesiastes 7:26
I find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare, whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains. The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare.
Very cruel sounding!
This hits the nail on the head for me. Such powerful info for me to now move forward with.
I’ve never heard anyone describe the illness and it’s effect on others so perfectly and clearly. Thank you. Unfortunately there seems to be little hope for a great outcome. The goal seems to be management of the illness with the cost of a lot of burnout, especially if they won’t accept treatment. However, some therapists talk of remission and the more we understand the less we may make it worse for the for he or she with this tragic illness.
Thanks
Thank you very much for your generous contribution! I greatly appreciate your support
We broke up a bit over 5 months ago as I couldn’t take it anymore and called the police. first 3 months were the hardest however I still have days when I totally forget she was so mean to me and I Idolise her in a weird way. This is by far the hardest thing I had to do in my life. She is dating someone new and all her friends made sure I’m ware (she is blocked on all forms of communication but somehow her friends and my former friends make sure I get updates every weekend, thru instagram stories, I might be forced to block everyone soon.) horrible, horrible experience, I just hope with time I could accept it is over and move on. I’ve dated other girls already but I had to stop as I was thinking of her as soon as the date ended…
About 3 days of making this post I finally came to my senses and accepted that everything has finished and it’s the best way like this. 2 days after that I have received an email from her asking my help on a thing that made no sense, it was a reach out, I declined to help her. I can finally say that I’m free, now all the trauma she put me thru is finally coming to the surface and I can’t never again make up with her, not even in 1 milion years, even if she will be last women on earth. I feel compassion for her and pity for the new guy (she moved with him into another country after 1 an half months of dating and 3 dates - for better context!!!!) pour guy is in for a ride of a lifetime. Sometimes I think maybe she will be better this time but deep down I know that this is why I have waited so long to end things. If anyone goes through heartbreak it will eventually go away!!!! And you will feel whole again!
Mute everyone who is connected to her. You must take her out of your visual sphere. Otherwise you’ll prolong your healing. They use social media well…. Specially to hurt you.
@@emilkadd I did this a couple of days ago, but yes I would have been way ahead without their constant cheap shows, the thing that hurt me the most is not her games, but our mutual friends, I have introduced her to them and now they kind of took part on it... Thanks for the message!
@@ionvitan8964 those motherfuckers were not your friends. Friends who truly know you would not succumb to manipulation. Dating is not best option at this stage. Take some time for yourself to heal. But keep busy. Keep your mind on some activities at all times if possible. Get new hobbies, take new classes what ever. Slow process but you’ll get there. You must accept that it was never about you. It’s a disorder bro, this experience should not shake your self worth. You could have Ben 10 out of 10 and still…. It would have been a shitshow of a life. What a waste
@@emilkadd Of course they were not. Other group of people didn't want to take part and even though in the beginning they emphasised with her (she got arrested) eventually they came around when they saw her next actions. I'm hitting the gym more than ever (best shape of my life) and finally managed to save my business which was almost bankrupt prior to our breakup but finally saved it and getting back on track. Still can't go out that much until I pay all my debt but it's a couple of weeks and I will have my life back! 1 week ago she emailed me from a new email address asking for help with a thing, I definitely turned her down but still it was better not to reply at all. Their power is out of this world.
This is so incredibly helpful. I have a friend who has been doing this kind of thing to me for two years and drive me crazy just really help me understand what’s going on. with her and me Thank you
That's my biggest challenge is knowing that the push cycle could lead to cheating or abandonment from my BPD partner. I can work on being patient but those two scenarios means "game-over". So I'm constantly on the verge of walking away when I get shut out for 5 days.
It helps to understand their push/pull is not intentional but that doesn't exonerate the behaviour or make it any easier to manage.
They are overwhelmed and overinvested,
The lashing out, discharging pain in hurtful reactions, projecting their pain
Their self loathing is difficult to experience
They are unable to self manage or self regulate their thoughts and emotions...curious what treatment is effective ?
How can they be treated ?
Its a mental health diagnosis that can't be used against them ...step back and realize when they are triggered and dysregulated 💥 Excellent advice TY
DBT is said to be effective.
This is great insight.
I'm someone diagnosed with this and cptsd, I've had some extreme experiences and also existed in a dysfunctional family from birth.
They only advise I would share to this video, be very careful if your a person in a relationship with such a person experiencing BPD or other disorders. (There's always some other factors, from diet and lack of something nutrition to past trauma)
Even tho a lover is trying to gain insight via watching 10min insights, it doesn't make the well intended soul a expert nor should it be used as fuel to patronize the person with such issues.
After 1 of my near death experiences, where my car rolled off a corner in the road at 70kmph and I was thrown out the drivers window. I walked out of hospital in one week. (I had sustained a broken collar bone, deflated lung, two fractures in the spine, had a massive hole in my side the size of a man's fist, cut to the top of my eye but was lucky to keep my eye and vision.
I walked out of hospital in one week.
Before this accident, I was never a person that could read write, all and all I just had now grades.
Something happened over the last 14 years since that accident, which date was 10/10/10.
I study like never before.
Into many topics.
And my favourite saying from the meek humble sincere people that study psychology
"The more we come to understand about the human brain, the more we realise how little we know about it"
I believe this...
In the realm of divine intervention, what can be first witnessed or humanly felt through emotions and feelings to be undesirable, is the beginning of something of a life changing transformation. Weather one is directly involved or indirectly involved via through some kind of connection. All WILL have an individual experience through that phenomenon, that is helping even the ones without so called problems, work through their problems.
Yeah, the BPD I know would smirk when something bad happens to me and would frown when something good happens. It’s creepy and I’m starting to think this is more sociopathic than BPD.
Yep… or a combination of BPD and NPD or ASPD
@@LiseLeblanc thank you for clarifying that. It is disturbing. 😳
@@LiseLeblanc Can you do a video on why they react negatively when you give them a gift? I’ve never understood why I was treated poorly right after giving a nice gift.
@@insomniac6115 i had the same experience
@@insomniac6115 My sister's the same... I always thought she was a homicidal maniac; but her decision to save me from drowning gave me the truth. She does not care if I have all the money and the power and whatever... as long as I am mentally depressed and super sad 24/7.... which makes the most sense. Which explains why she regularly abandons her boyfriends and kids... once they show mental happiness... she does the disappearing act.
What me and by brothers and friends figured out... the key to making her happy... was to "act" super sad and extremely depressed whenever she was around.
You good at this, Lise... Thank you for uploading this. Brought me a genuine sense of peace and understanding
I am here, as the roller coaster operator, to learn how to keep the ride safe and enjoyable. Thank you for providing such info.
That is light and funny. You just might make it. Good luck.
🙏prayers help to , with God all things are possible
My new gf has shared her past with me and opened up to me already after 2weeks. She's had a horrific time growing up in past relationships too. She's got bpd. I've told her I'd support and care and love her. She's got no confidence or self esteem either. She's on meds and is seeing a counsellor. I like her a lot and really want to be with her... This video has been really helpful. ❤️
Good luck dude.. but i recommend would set clear boundaries within yourself and you make a promise to yourself that you will not allow yourself to be used or abused. And if the relationship starts going in that direction? You have the courage to leave. Also.. watch more of Lisa’s videos on BPD and their relationship cycles.
@@MrFoxington thanks man. Lisa's videos have been very helpful so far. My gf and I haven't been together long and things have been great so far. We did have an argument on Saturday though regarding exes. How I don't want to hear about them. Yes we've all got a past and that's where they belong. But she got a bit defensive about it. I said I'm not friends with any and definitely none on social media. But she can't see my side at all. One ex is depressed all the time an she feels bad for him... I'm like, so what, you're not his responsibility he's a grown man... Then I sound like a jealous jerk. I really like her but she's got a few issues😔
If your thinking of being with someone who has BPD my advice for you is to run the hell away and save yourself alot of trauma, pain and depression.
OMG. you have helped me so much with the few videos iv watched. THANKYOU SOOOOO MUCH !!!!!!!!!! Things are so much clearer now, and i can stop destroying myself so badly. I now understand its not me causin the issues, and no one is to blame. i just need to decide if i have to move on. THANKYOU.
I appreciate the clarity and tone of the video and, after being married to a BPD for 18 years, can't disagree with anything in it. My wife wasn't diagnosed until about a year ago (after I described the idealization and devaluation dynamic to our marriage counselor, who was supposed to be guiding us through the divorce that my wife had demanded and who wanted to know why I wasn't all-in on divorce after she witnessed the devaluation/abuse). Previously, my wife had been diagnosed with depression and ADD, but those had never responded well to meds or talk therapy for long. Looking back, we both agree that it was BPD all along. It's definitely gotten worse at least in the acting out of damaging (to herself and others) behaviors, but she is starting treatment (DBT). We have two young teens who have their own mental health struggles.
I certainly don't judge the significant others who choose to walk away out of self-preservation and/or the impossibility of having a normal, healthy relationship, I just don't know if I agree with all the comments here suggesting that ending the relationship is the best/only option in every case. I wouldn't recommend knowingly going into relationship with a BPD who isn't already actively in treatment (and even then only with extreme caution/education/counseling), but given the specifics of my circumstances, I would like to give my wife a chance to work on it now that she finally knows what it is, even if it takes some time to learn how to control the damaging behaviors. And I know she'll never be "cured." She sometimes says that she should leave me and the kids to stop hurting us. I have thus far resisted this suggestion because I think it's an instance of the black-or-white thinking characteristic of BPD. I.e. she thinks that if she can't be the ideal (in her mind) wife/mother, she shouldn't be a wife/mother at all. I think if she is getting treatment and actively seeking to learn to regulate her emotions, behaviors, etc., it would be more damaging to everyone for her to leave. But I may be speaking from a place of codependency. I suppose I need more counseling myself.
You are just prolonging the inevitable. I wish the best outcome of course
Read "Talking to a Loved One With Borderline Personality Disorder ", it will give you tools on boundaries and how to help her and you not escalate or too manage things much better.
you are so talented
One of my best friends is fragile, quite naive and in a relationship with a diagnosed BPD. He's getting demolished. He is truely suffering but I dont know how to help.
tell him/her to leave the bpd one.
he's probably got issues as well. all they can do is leave if the other person won't get help or stay if they do get help. if they stay to take abuse, you can't help either of them. let them suffer til they learn the hard way.
Knowledge is power. Offer him information by sharing a couple of videos. The rest is up to him.
It’s a great explanation but all I see here is you will be emotionally abused no matter what you do or try and it’s basically a lose lose and you’ll be stuck in a co-dependant abusive relationship
Yes yes yes and yes!!!! If I didn’t know better, you are describing my ex. He is classic BPD however I had never even heard of BPD while in the relationship. He love bombed me at the beginning when I was going through a rough time in life. It was amazing. We felt like a perfect match. ….. but then after a few months it all started. He got mean and very hard on me. I had low self esteem and he beat me down where I cried everyday. This is all during the lockdown from Covid too. He would kick me out of the house along with my dog at 10 pm at night. It was so bizarre and toxic. The thing that bugs me is we tried counseling and no mention of BPD was ever mentioned.
A few years later and long gone, I’m healed and so glad I understand BPD now. It’s really very sad. I hope my ex someday gets the help he deserves.
This is so accurate and compassionate. Thank you
Thank you for this helpful presentation. It seems difficult to differentiate between a borderline personality disorder and a dismissive or fearful avoidant personality disorder.
The result is similar in a society where more and more individuals are victims of unhappy relations and reluctant to enter long term relationships with the associated responsibility and become addicted to casual sex and superficial relationships, resulting in an attitude of attracting unavailable partners and repulsing any serious outcomes
Umm you’d know if you were relating to a BPD.
Basically psychotic. Extreme ups and downs. Usually crazy temper tantrums. Extreme paranoia and jealousy. They can act extremely selfish. Usually don’t care how you feel and they have little empathy. Moat talk about suicide. Craziest sec you’ll have then arguing the next hour. Flips on a switch. Extremely unstable. All their relationships have been a wreck. Usually impulsive. . .
Trust me you know when you met them. Basically your life gets flipped upside down and at some point you seek out wtf is wrong with them and you slowly lose your mind…. Is this you. Then yea she has BPD or some mix of cluster B
@@ssing7113 as a physician I am never prompt at giving a label to anyone so as to define then predict behaviours. Everyone including myself has ups and downs in life, illusions and delusions and only after a long period of observation can we identify a predominant behaviour that might or might not change if a person is ready to make the necessary effort for adaptation.
We are dealing with very complex living organisms and not with mere machines
Best video on this topic I have ever seen.
This is so scary. It’s a double edged sword! I really did it this time. Here I am in a psychiatric ward for the ongoing trauma and abuse and. After a number of relationships therapist to have never been discussed of
Mental Health issues underlying our relationship issues. Three therapist gave up on us saying that we can love one another and not be right for each other and love isn’t the only thing that should bind a healthy relationship yet whoever didn’t give her response she wanted was no longer needed to be a therapist or someone qualified to help us
I survived it by getting off of it. A ride to hell.
💯 agree me to bro! ✊🏼
Same here guys, she still calls me, and say she love me and all the usually stuff that they say you know. I love her, but need to go away from her and her whole family, I blocked them all
But clearly still haven’t moved on huh
@@mljohnson7192 sick burn.
It’s really the only way there is literally nothing that works and it all ends in abuse and disaster
I have a BPD adult daughter who just abandoned her 10 month old baby. The situation breaks my heart and these comments don’t give me any hope
Wow, that's a very good explanation focusing on essentials.
Thank you. With this Information it will be a walk in the park.
Living with bpd has been the most beautiful and crushing life experience and I wouldn’t change a thing 😅
Dear Dr. Leblanc, thnk you for your sharp advice. You are the best!
Sad part is that it's the most loving people that trust and believe during the love bombing stage. They deserve real love because they give it up all the time. Only to get the script flipped! The ole bait and switch!
I believe you. When you lived it you get it. I was with a BPD (actually formally diagnosed) man for 10 years. He used to rage about my facial expression. Rage about how loudly I talked. He would knock packages out of my hand and in the end he raged over some confusing dinner plans. It was one of the hardest thing I had to do . Like out in the world without skin but I left today and will never return
It's extremely hard saying goodbye to someone who was your world for 6 years, and who you still love and care about.
My last moments with her I was just holding her while she cried her eyes out saying things like "I thought we were best friends", "I wish this wasn't happening, "I don't know what I'm going to do without you." Leaving her all alone in that apartment, and having to break it to her family that I left. I can't imagine what that must've been like for her. I can't even think about it without tearing up. Spending years caring about them and then telling them you're leaving. The guilt is overwhelming.
I know I'm viewed as this villain now. The monster that decided to leave the fragile innocent girl. Nobody understands what it was truly like.
What was it like?
I understand you buddy. I myself developed hypertension and anxiety disorder dealing with a BPD lady.
Most people in these comments understand you perfectly brother. I'm the guy that should have left. But I put my faith in her and stuck. We got married, had children, and then immediately after the third child she hit the devaluation stage, then the discard stage. Now I'm emotionally broken and alone having to go half my life not seeing my children due to split custody. I'm your future had you stayed. You made the hard decision I wasn't wise enough to make.
Not only can I picture those last moments, I know exactly what that feels like, dude. I had to block mine from my phone after a year because of the constant lashing out/begging for forgiveness cycle. I personally don't care what her family thinks now but I really liked them when I met them all so I lost newfound family when I split with her as well, even though I wasn't allowed to see them or see my own friends either without having to be emotionally punished, either throuygh complete silence for weeks at a time or for mysterious health episodes requiring me to take her to the Emergency room where nothing was found to be wrong, except for symptoms of benzo withdraws. The phone calls from friends and family asking me if I really said or did things she was telling people I said or did always having some tiny bit of truth in the story but completely reworded to create a different picture entirely. Man it was a rollercoaster.
@@holdover8199 Wow, been there done that. 5 years of undiagnosed bpd. I loved her and I'm still trying to get over her. I belive she has a good heart, she was suprisingly honest most of the time and she also never cheated on me. Nobody made me feel this way before (in a good and in a bad way). The emotional rollercoasters were epic. I was about to marry her and have kids with her. But then the final discard happened. One day she says she loves you and the next, she is gone forever.
Very useful content, Lise! Plus, didactically explained.
Impossible to date, deep down there hearts in the right place..but its impossible to date..better to just be friends
Brilliant info. Thank you 🙏🏻. Seeing much more clearly after seeing this.
Spot on describing my friend.
Such a pleasure to listen to your articulation of the experience of a person with BPD.
Thanks!
Thank you very much for your support, I appreciate it!
Please make more videos on dealing with a bpd gf/wife. Love your videos
Good advice. I like that she doesn't demonize.
I'd go further. Maybe good not to pathologies. That is, these relationships are part of the human experience, bringing meaning. Both pain and pleasure
There are no perfect relationships.
Thank you for this. It's a big eye opener.
What are your thoughts on showing this to my bpd spouse? She denies any disorder on her part. I called her bipolar out of anger about 5 years ago (married for 9 years) and she still brings that up like I insulted her in the worst way possible...I feel like Lise explains things in a very compassionate way but still brings the truth to the dynamic.
I am finding some people in their 40s/50s can have BPD and not know it. Why? Probably, because it feels "normal" to them and nobody has ever "gone out on a limb" and help them get evaluated by a qualified professional. I say "qualified" because I hear that some counselors and doctors don't even know what BPD is. So, IMHO I don't think that people with BPD have much hope for relief or a better life ***UNLESS*** someone in their life does "whatever it takes" to get them into evaluation, diagnosis and intensive DBT treatment. If you love your spouse and want a healthy future with her, I would consider rolling the dice with this video, and then more videos. The prize is to good to pass up and penalty (for not trying) will be too painful to endure. I hate to say it but if she strongly resists that is showing you your future. Good luck. Be strong. Take care of YOU, too.
Excellent. The segment from 6:20 - 7:00 is brilliant.
🎉every word you say is analyzed and turned into a negative
Anyone with untreated BPD should be avoided at all costs.
There is NO happy ending. We all want to believe there is but at the end of the day...the roller coaster ride leads straight to hell with your partner in the front the seat screaming "SATAN I brought you another one "!!!
Yep, been living with/ putting up with this for nearly fifty years and she refuses to see that she has issues!
Thank you very much for this video