I'm living it now, I've spent the last month blaming myself trying to be a better person. I thought I might be a dark empath as i destroyed the relationship for the sake of my peace. I do have affective empathy though for my friends, family, and my daughters ( they're not hers) so it was confusing me until I came across this video and every point has been listed has been dead on. I always had that spider sense but could never link it to anything.
Something else to consider. If you feel like you're always walking on eggshells around her and feeling anxious that you might say or do the wrong thing. Despite your best efforts to watch what you say or do she still continues to blow up and freak out over very little.
A simple test: 1.) Accountability. Is she willing to be held accountable for her own behavior or is everything always your or someone else's fault? Are you willing to hold her accountable? What happens if you do? Nothing is ever a BPD's fault when she gets disregulated. Personal responsibility only shows up in the "dont leave me" part of "I hate you dont leave me." 2.) Boundaries. Hearing "no". Can you say no and she will accept it? BPD's run through attempts at setting boundaries like a wrecking ball. If you have no needs and no boundaries, you are a BPD magnet. Work on that.
Have a reason for saying no, don't just do it to say no as a control thing, though, otherwise you weed out those protecting themselves from control freak abusers.
For reference 🤓 1 .Idealises you - puts you on a pedal stall 2 experience a frequency of sex you didn’t think existed in reality or withhold sex until your emotionally invested in her 3. Weird things start to happen 4. Open up about past trauma Rocky relationships 5. Quickly flip into a childlike state 6. After an emotional outburst it maybe hard your BPD partner to admit fault 7. Self harm threats of suicide 8. Creates Loyalty binds between you and your family friends and co-workers 9. You release you are losing yourself or have lost yourself 10. She Can not be satiated she is never satisfied no matter what you do. Same repetitive fights she’s not happy
I am very satisfied everyday with or without my boyfriend lol. My dog is all I need and I just play video games if not working. ppl are so judgmental to bpd it hurts. And I will forever treat my boyfriend like a God unlike this Dumbo in the video thinks. He's amazing and ever since I met him i get better and better each day cause I put the work in. Meditation. Zen books. Dbt skills. Reading. Going on walks when i feel angry. Teaching him the same things too. This is why I warn anyone before we even get close to hanging out I told him I had bpd. And guess what he handles it amazingly and I will treat him like a God always. 9 months counting and going to have a beautiful family. Ive never been thiz in love and everyday get better especially as he helps me on a DBT CHEAT SHEET (dialectal behavioral therapy) also to the lady on video i xont blame him for more insecurities lmao.if anything he helped meove myself. You sound so negative Like I've never even met.someone with bpd who acts like this.. Listening to this woman talk is just hilarious cause this is like the worst possible case of bpd. Like I said I've came so far. It's possible. Wish people wouldn't put bpd people in a box We are humans And so many forget about the trauma a lot of us went through buts its up to the person with bpd to get help with this and I work out almost everyday even today my boyfriend hugged me and said he noticed how good i have been doing and he said "i'm proud of you" Like damn maybe if people we rent so mean and negative more people would be encouraged to go to therapy because it changed my life, along with my emotional support animals and psychology passions can't wait to get my masters than PhD because I'd love to write more positive things about people with bpd and maybe write a book how to help them cause sometimes I feel like a little kid who just needs a hug. I wouldn't wish this disorder on my worst enemy. It is hard to work at it. But fuck people who judge ppl with bpd so hard. Not all diagnosis are same. She is right and if fellow bpd is reading know ily and pls get dbt handbook possibly therapy it really saved me 🙏 luckily my bf researches and watches these with me to learn about bpd. And he still bang bang like a manic whenever i want to which keeps me a happy good girl :) I used to cheat on people in middle school n early high-school cuz I didn't understand bpd funny they were chesting on me too but if I knew more about it I think I def could have got better sooner. I never even went to therapy until I was 19 because for some reason my mom was like against it idk why. I never cheated on anyone after the Ge of 17 and i never wl again. I hated who i w a s as youngster. But like I said WE CAN work at it... bpd can be beautiful empathic people if they get help and heal..
10 out of 10. Wish I knew this was a thing. By the end I had figured out she was a Sociopath at least. Ruined me, my confidence... Dumped her and got away but she appeared when my Dad died and manipulated me again... That nearly did more damage than the relationship...
Shocking how every single thing is spot on with my ex girlfriend of 2 days she has npd as well and quit therapy and meds so basically anything would be a better alternative then living with her.
@@janetsullivan5597 My personal experience. I stood my ground, told her enough is enough and when she tried to cut me off and manipulate, I went off in a way to where she shut her mouth and got afraid because it was the only way for me to get my point across unfortunately. Not a way I wanted to handle it but she left me no choice. I went down the whole list of things that she had done over the time we dated from breaking my things to saying horrible things about my family, whom she never even met BTW, to belittling me when.i didn't do exactly what she wanted me to and than some. Than after I got done wouldn't you know this woman had the audacity to excuse and justify her behavior. So you know what I did? Left her, blocked her, and found another place to live. I havnt had to deal with her since. Hope this helps. Fuck how they feel because they don't give a shit about how you feel. They're just too far gone. Just leave and never look back.
My ex told me - “I’m too selfish to be in a relationship. I don’t express my feelings well either!” My dumb ass thought - ok at least she is candid Woah - I was wrong for giving her 8 years of my life
Another red flag.....when she talks about all the other men she was with and who wants her at the moment while she is dating you, almost indirectly comparing you to them so as if to threaten you that you are potentially disposable if you screw things up.
That's triangulation and it's a very powerful tool in their arsenal. It's designed to make you feel not good enough and to make you "try" harder to gain her attention. It tells you that you are disposable unless you do something. Big red flag!
It’s just scary how precise this description is. I’m right now befuddled from a just finished relationship with a BPD girl. I didn’t even knew about this condition before when already was too late into the relationship. It lasted exactly 9 weeks, and even the days and weeks descriptions you said here were exactly like mine. With the exception of sign #7, everything else was almost like you were describing her and us.
9 weeks is not "too late", mate. I am in one for 10 years, getting married and all, failing to see the issue and that there will be NO changes for the better with age.
Stunning. What revelations, one after other. This is my ex-wife. From the regression to childlike behavior (literal voice change and grasping, clutching at me like an actual infant) to a frightening dissociative state (I am convinced that in one particular instance she believed I was her grandfather who molested her), the behaviors were textbook. I divorced her after her remorseless ongoing infidelity and a splitting of me into the one who was to blame. Yet part of me loves her deeply regardless and I yearn for the woman who is in there somewhere, sometimes. She recently expressed she wanted to come back to me and our family (she is still livi by with her affair partner), but I am scared to death of what she is capable of and could never trust her again not to destroy me.
10+ years experience with a borderline so far. Some of the things mentioned can happen organically if you are dating a young or less experienced partner for example, it might be cute initially and they will grow out of it. Borderlines never do! So heres a few more very strong symptoms that might be red flags either way: 11) Complicated childhood: either traumatic upbringing, absent father, bad divorce of parents, strict, pedantic parents, generally low social level of her family, quite often even beating, yelling or abuse, which they experienced as traumatic AND/OR rationalize as "normal". 12) Weird relationship with mother who will appear manipulative and/or hystrionic and overly sensitive herself. Typically BPD runs in the family, often for generations. They might be overly attached to one another or on the contrary totally ghost each other, either way its never a normal healthy relationship that provides emotional comfort, sense of independence and confidence. They might have violent fights and hang up on each other and then switch to endless corny assurances of mutual love, they will call each other 6 times a day and then ignore each other for 3 months, mother is demanding attention, fakes various emergencies and health issues, and so on. 13) She will often mention things like feeling hollow and empty, not seeing her place in the world, looking forward to being dead, or on the contary wishing to "become one with you" and seeking some weird mystical "connection" with you. She will be disappointed you dont see what she means. 14) Her practical life will be a mess. She will have accountability problems, issues to concentrate on important things and staying organized, she will often have overly big self-confidence and make big plans but then quits a few days later and everything crumbles as she cant get out of bed. 15) She will have problems with authority, often switch job after job and have fights at work place. 16) Infidelity. Almost always they will feel empty and unfulfilled no matter what you do and seek meaning and happiness elsewhere. It can happen at absolutle strange moments and places, she might cheat with your friend or at work a week before your marriage, because they cannot control their impulsivity. 17) Love bombing and idealization are just the start, but after a few years, inevitably you become THE source of huge frustration, humiliation, unhappiness and almost a sense of bullying in her own head. She will feel you are responsible for all the tantrums that SHE is stirring up. Sense of contempt and hate will always be present under the surface. You might feel you made huge sacrifices and survived endless surreal tantrums, but in her eyes YOU are the one who made her life horrible. 18) I hate you - dont leave me. She will let you know she is deeply unhappy with you and feels disrespected and tortured by you BUT wants to carry on in your relationship, although it makes no sense. She will almost never end it herself. If you calmly propose a break or an end to your relationship, she might get violent, threaten you or insult you ("YOU dont get to leave ME!") OR feel deeply sorry for herself, but never for the two of you or your own feelings. 19) Permanently managing the emotional distance between you. She might become very cold and distant all of a sudden but when you leave confused or are just fed up with it and go away, she calls you and bomb you with love and sweet words. And the other day she is cold again.
That doesn’t mean that you have a right to act like a lunatic and mistreat everyone because you are ape-shit crazy. Perhaps if someone slapped the shit out of you when you got out of control, you would control yourself.
@candygirllikely So practically speaking, are you saying you didnt have traumatic childhood or upbringing and are from a completely emotionally healthy family, you never had feelings of emptiness or suicidal thoughts and you never experienced social trouble with accepting criticism, refusal or social hierarchies, dealing with other peoples emotions, taking things too personally and so on? Dont you think these are pretty much the defining characteristics of BPD? As for generalizations, I feel you but without them you wouldnt have a discussion going anywhere. Another factor is that this particular channel is NOT for people with BPD to feel better, cope of work on themselves: on the contrary its for us living with them to recognize what is going on and not take things too personally - isnt that a good thing for you too? Or of course we can relativize everything and claim theres a never-ending spectrum, no rules apply and everyone is completely unique - in which case you will get far less patience, respect and empathy on our end, because who knows what BPD is, isnt that the case?
@candygirllikely She is warning everyone to just run (don't walk) away from any nutcase with BPD. It's not a reclamation project that you will complete and it will just destroy your well being.
Lise, I have seen enough of your videos on BPD to develop the opinion that you are one of the preeminent experts on the disorder. I was married to a BPD and it honestly is shocking to me how much you nail the disorder. From the initial phases of being put on a pedestal and blending her personality type to mine, to the sudden and completely heartless discard phase, you are nailing every step of our relationship. It hasn't been easy for me to learn in the aftermath of my divorce that who I thought was my soulmate and love of my life was actually a fake personality morphing into who she needed to be to hook me in. It almost feels like being catfished in real life. But it is the reality that I need to confront and deal with. Your expertise on this subject is truly amazing.
All 1000% true. Was in that relationship from 21-24. Man…… I didn’t know it was such a draining experience until out of it. Even though she took good care of me.. I’m even more glad I’m out, hope her the best and she gets the help needed.
I understand she took care of me but it came with a price . Me , my opinion , my voice , my sanity, my energy ,my decision making . Beautiful woman had money great sex but the splitting , up/ down , blaming , no accountability . S.I.G.N = Shame you,Insult you,Guilt trip you ,Need to be right . Draining !!!
@@intpninja It's a riff on a line delivered in the movie, Jerry Maguire, "you complete me." At the time, I thought of it as how relationships are often times built on co-dependance, on a foundation of lack instead of abundance. The former relationships seem destine to be unsatisfactory, but perhaps not. People can grow, and there is no reason that they can't do it together so who knows?
Time lost man. Gotta bounce sooner. I think I might be dating one currently but I'm not fully sure. She's showing some signs but she's kinda puts fronts too quickly cover them.
I was paralyzed to leave also. Kids and moral commitment. I put up with so much abuse I was a broken man. I knew she was trying to kill me slowly and it made her happy to destroy me. I'm lucky she ended the marriage and I woke up and saw the evil I was living with.
Same thing here mate! Just short of 15 years and she left me for some ice junkie who can't read and has 2 kids he can't look after ..my life has never been better
Before you read this: These events were happening in the mid 80s. Nobody has ever heard of Borderline syndrome back then. I have been a naive early Twen believing, that love can heal at least a lot. Stage one: Love bombing. Oh yes, a lot. Stage two: she make me feel, like I'm the only one who can safe her. Stage three: Asking about my past. She actually did that in a quite charming way. Of course, I told her about a former love, that left. Stage four: Waiting for sex, until I "have proven myself worthy (Note, and here is the exception: Sex was not special, in fact quite boring. Cowgirl only. For every time we had sex, she blamed me for sex as being part of a sexist behaviour.) Stage five: Unexpected or low reason rage. Like in one case, where I did not sort pillows on her couch HER correct way. For the first time, I heard her telling me, that she hates me, for being in love with me. Stage six: Jealousy. Hell break loose. Accusing me trying to get my first girlfriend back. Trying to cut me off from friends. Parties ended in disaster, as she closed herself in her herself, blocking every communication, and either giving me the feeling of having the duty to stay by her side, or betraying her when talking to friends. Either she blew up at one point end ended the party that way or just disappeared and went home without giving me a note. Stage seven: Having fun in mocking me and hurting my feelings. She sometimes poked her fingers in my ears waiting for me to get angry, in order to "destroy" me with accuses of being a terrible ridiculous person. A full load of 80s feminists attacks against me, including castration fantasies. Stage eight: Feeling sorry for her misbehaviour. She promised to get better and I'd be the only one, who could help her, when she is feeling and behaving terrible. Following love bombing and a few happy days. Pretty much repeating stage one to eight. Stage nine: cheating. While she was super jealous, she met ex guy, that were suppose to be terrible ex guys, but they weren't. Quite often she started flirting with them, trying to make me jealous. No way to win here. Hiding my jealousy from her meant, I didn't care for her enough, admitting my jealousy went into another rage. Accusing me of toxic male behaviour by trying to poccess her. Her physical attacks followed, spending nights at other guys places, cup crashed into walls next to my head. Stage eight repeated. Stage ten: This stage is actually my stage, for it is me, who found myself in an off-on relationship and feeling quite numb. Cool a party this weekend? Should I really tell her? Seems, I became that A-hole, she told me to be. Self fulfilling prophecy, really. I couldn't be with her, couldn't be without her. Top of all that, her mother, she lived with, hasn't been any better. She accused me of abusing her daughter. Listening at the door. As soon she believed, that we had sex, she hammered at the door, or pretended to commit suicide. Funny event: My girlfriend at that time once whispered to me: "Shhh, she (her mother) is listening at the door" Her Mother immediately yelled through the door: "I'M NOT LISTENING !!!!" So, I didn't have to deal with her only, but also with her mother. As she called my sister a Wh*re for all my family, I was done. I actually have to thank her for that, because this one sentence broke that spell. It was like a tower has been crushing down. I left, felt relieved and never saw her again. For the about following 5 years, I dreamt every night of seeing her, and getting back together with her and regretting it. Until today I have nightmares about that at least twice a year. One day, I felt bad all day and it took me a full day to realise, that my "getting back together", has been nothing but a night mare. Being with a BPD has been 4 years in hell. If you meet a BPD, run. No love can help. Believe me, you cannot help her, and she is a master of manipulation, easily flipping your inner self against you. Ooops, that has been longer, than expected.
Been there,lived that..she accused me that im a narcist. I lied her that im on therapy after we met and made sex.i told her that she BPD,she accused me that im toxic and try to make her self esteem lower and blocked me all the way.She told me that she love me so much and then sometimes how much she hate me.I just lived everything that you explained.I turned to crazy and slammed her twice,she was at police at the end..after 1 month we slept..Do you think 100% has she Bpd?
Back to the age regression thing, you actually can bring her down from the emotional tantrum. You can’t explain to her that she’s perceiving the situation wrong, because that feels like gaslighting to her and will just piss her off. You have to be calm and talk to her like a hurt little girl and play the daddy role. Just listen, ask questions and try to understand where she’s coming from, even if that means stripping the blame from her momentarily. Of course, this will drain you in time, so if she’s not in therapy, you won’t be capable of remaining stoic and calm for long, she will wreck your self worth and make you depressed. So be careful.
Wouldn't have worked on my crazy ex. There was no way to calm her down, except time passing by. Every way led to unavoidable escalation. She once devastated my apartment, after I made her a sandwich and a hot tea, in order to calm her down. "Are you fogging kidding me? Do you really think, you can get out of this with a cheap sandwich?!"
I'm a healthcare administrator and as someone who is now formally separated from my spouse this is a very accurate assessment of the situation of a caregiver for someone with a cluster B personality disorder. We were together 12 years and that was precisely how I would endure the abuse and ride out her tirades, by being the 'strong fatherly presence' and remaining calm and composed. For those in a similar situation, please take heed of this. I had the empirical background and willpower to be my spouse's caregiver, and now that I've finally gone no-contact I am recognizing how traumatic the entire marriage was for me. It may feel like love, but it's dominance and control, and no one deserves to be treated that way for any reason. Take care of yourself as best you can. 😢
Very accurate. Tried it, and it worked. And by that working, it reassured me that it was BPD. Burned me out over time though, and when it started affecting my health I had to flee, despite trauma bonds holding me back.
I was married at 21 and had no idea what I'd gotten into. Almost every one of the traits you´ve mentioned here I had to deal with, I knew she had problems but thought I would be able to help her with them, no chance. My marriage to her lasted only 4 years, the "emotional roller coaster" affected my own mental health, luckily I got out but even during the separation she would appear at my work place, also found out were I was living, I had to move several times, at least we had no kids for them to have to go through it all. I'm now 65 y/o, although it was a very dark period in my life it taught me a lot about myself & others, we live and learn.
Mourning the connection that was felt has been the hardest part. Never felt anything even close to it and the loss of it was like a part of me being ripped apart.
💯 no joke, feeling like the universe brought her into existence just for me and then took her away when I couldn't meet impossible and ever-changing but also somehow extremely rigid standards
It's okay. Allow yourself to feel that hurt and mourn that time. But remember to care for yourself and work on your shit too. With time, there will be other people in your life, and even more importantly, you'll learn to forge and maintain connections like that consciously. Not just with lovers, but friends, family, and even with yourself! All you have to do is keep learning, keep working, and doing your best not to fall into despair.
Leave her. Learn from the wisdom of all those others that came before you that she made you promise you would be different from. Leave now. There’s a reason they all left.
@@Hun_UinaqWell you can also suggest him to be patient and help her get therapy ? If we leave all BPD individuals alone then all of them will become suicidal and hopeless ? I mean they don’t do it intentionally, it’s how their brains are, they are also humans who crave companions.
@@Anam-meow I think you are right, but its very difficult to get people with BPD into therapy and it has to be the right kind of therapy. I'm astounded how many therapists ( I live in Paris ) do not recognise the signs of BPD, as there are so many beyond the DSM 9 traits. People with BPD are deeply in distress in my experience and yes do need help, but their childlike traits make it hard for them to really take responsibility for their actions and their own recovery. I think that BPD sufferers that are fully across the spectrum, or close to are the most to be in denial, making it difficult to heal in any meaningful way, even with conventional therapy sadly. They also are likely to have the full spectrum of positive traits, making it all the more painful for themselves and those in relationships with them.
@@philipmillard3178 I absolutely agree with you but the problem is lots of these therapists worldwide are not treating BPD individuals well. In my case, I am not treated well even though I really wish to recover with the right treatment. Rather than relying on different therapists, it would be better for doctors and scientists to introduce some drug that can help with the regulation of emotions inside our brains. Relationship aside, we struggle on a daily basis with self identity, self worth, self esteem, family relationships and work life. Life is just too hard and painful for us. And seeing that there’s no cure, that just makes it even harder.
SO accurate. I wished I’d known all of this before I met my last girlfriend. And it’s true, there seemed to be such a deep connection there that I have really missed her. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m better off without the stress she invoked. Dating someone with BPD is traumatising! What I want above all else is for her to recognise that she has this and get help. Unfortunately she refused to accept it, even though she desperately wants to understand why she behaves and feels this way. It’s heartbreaking in SO many ways!
Yeah, the impotence to deal with it is debilitating. I can understand how someone who mostly hurts OTHERS by his pathological traits or disorders fails to see their issues and/or doesnt seek therapy and help. But people with BPD suffer themselves, are mostly unable to function socially, often times have trouble at work - it would seem that some attempt should be made to do something with it, but typically they rather stay on the rollercoaster.
tysm for saying focus on behaviour and not diagnosis. I have been in treatment for BPD for 7 years. I have put SO much work in, even my therapist has said Ive become much more mildly presenting. Sometimes reading the comments on these hurts because we just want to be loved and we're exhausted with ourselves too. I cannot be "cured" but can have a remission of behaviours and its EXHAUSTING as the internal experience remains. Not bad people just dysregulated and it IS TREATABLE.
@@teefrankenstein4340 Thank you! As an update Im now in a healthy God centered relationship with my partner 😊 Praise Jesus for remission and sobriety I no longer meet criteria! 🙌 Through Him all things are possible!!! God bless 😇
Same. I’ve been in treatment for almost 6 years and getting the diagnosis was mind blowing. They finally figured out what was wrong with me. I have worked so hard, exhaustively, to go into remission and I’m basically there. Still, this video made me cry and feel hopeless. Am I a fraud for trying to pretend that I’m sane? Will I ever fully be functional in a relationship? Am I a bad person for being in one, knowing that I have this? And, heartbreakingly, it’s not my fault that I have it. I was born this way. My thinking is 99% more rational and I can distinguish between myself and the BPD demon. No more anger/rage. No more manipulation. No more suffering. No more codependency. But… am I only fooling myself?
I am so sorry and this breaks my heart to hear and understand the reality of this. I’m in a relationship with someone who I highly believe to be suffering from this. 8 years.. in her moments of clarity she can be so genuine and sincere. Then the next minute it’s like a completely different person emerges. She knows that u know here and have been trying to work with this. It pushes me away hard! Some of the deep and dark places she goes with me is crazy to witness and then the flip in the opposite direction around her friends and coworkers. It truly feels like the twilight zone and I struggle to tell myself that she even loves me even though she swears that she does. I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind and my love for her. It’s like the person I fell in love with truly doesn’t exist even tough I can see her right in front of me. I feel like a sad individual taking this from her just because I love her and don’t want to give up on her but feeling like she would turn her back on me in a instant because she has
Oh my god... I have watched hundred of videos about affairs, narcissist partner etc to try to figure out what happened to me with my wife. Your whole video is SPOT ON. Every single point you talk about happened to me, the great sex, how fast the relationship went, the common interests, the conversation about her childhood abuse and violent past relationship happening after just a couple of months together, the vulnerability and the way she admired me and praised me to everyone, then the great communication skills with fancy words turning to a 5 year old being insanely mad at me for something she insignificant, the gaslighting, the flow of shame and guilt all the time, the suicidal attempt after I found out she cheated and the promise she will get help but do nothing in the end, and actually blame me for not fighting for her and being the cause of the way she feels and draining me emotionally. I wish I found that video a year ago... I feel like you just read my life without knowing my mariage's story
Yeah she DEFINITELY is a BPD. Go watch the Johnny Depp/Amber Turd trial from 2022. Her behavior was nearly identical too (she’s a diagnosed BPD). Warning it will probably trigger you!)
This was like hearing someone I had never met summing up my now 17 year and counting experience. I mean, shockingly accurate. I don't think our marriage counselor understands what is going on either. I just feel broken and stuck. So grateful to have found these videos
Hang in there and know others of us have had similar experiences, for what it's worth. Part of the madness of it all is the disbelief that others are falling for the craziness... the so-called "therapists" and care-givers are siding with her. It's crazy-making to witness believe her lies. The extent of her attempts to brainwash everyone in my life and believe her victim stories was beyond anything imaginable. I recall the garbage man in our city even was under her spell believing her incessant victim lies... wild. Hang in there and navigate out. Be well.
There are no words to describe how strong you must be if you survived 17 years of this. I managed one year and came out of it feeling like a shell of the man I used to be
12 year victim. I only blame myself at this point. I wanted to get a divorce after 2 years but she'd just give me sex to satiate me. Worst decision of my life. Still married and hate it but I refuse to leave my kids with her.
@@PetterssonRobin My dad survived 27 years, then he couldn't take it and divorced my mom and remarried another woman with borderline for 5 more years. Poor dad.
My ex is a mental health professional and described herself to me as extremely ADHD, which may be true, but only after the divorce did I start putting the pieces together about BPD. She fits all of these, and she's astute enough that I'm pretty sure she knew. My experience was that the fights got more intense. She very much wanted to trigger me into doing something horrible so she could use it against me later. She formed a relationship with my mom to try to mine details to use against me (which backfired for her because my mom only really understands me superficially, so I would laugh when she would try to hurt me using that stuff). With her, coming back from these more intense fights was a law of diminishing returns. The makeups got less and less intense, less and less worth it. I finally got tired of her misconstruing stupid little things out of my life to claim I was cheating so she could break up with me. I found out that she was using these imagined slights and insults (once she literally broke up with me because I wore a shirt with a cartoon hot dog on it because she said it insulted her vegan lifestyle) to have affairs with various men she met online. I was raising her kids as my own, and when I found out what she had been doing, she cut me out of their lives, regardless of the impact on them. This is a woman who works with children. It is a pain I feel daily, and I fear whatever insane stories she made up about me to tell the children to rationalize this. She did the same thing with her first husband to alienate him from his own kids, told me all kinds of horror stories, and at this point, I feel like contacting him to see what he was actually doing at the time. I suspect the picture she painted of him would be quite a surprise to him.
man , contact her ex , ive talked with my sisters ex and it was the most helpful thing to overcome this horror. Edit > also be careful and talk just once or two , keep in mind if being a family member or friend it belongs to their life and family circle so similar or other patologys are present in this person too. Just extract specific information.
I was thinking the same thing. Contacting my ex’s ex and having a beer with him. I don’t think he’s the person that she painted. I’m really going to miss my ex’s kids. I hope they grow up relatively well adjusted.
@@jessoftherocks my ex studied a bit of psychology , and all the time was watching psychology videos , she works in a big company and manages a lot of people , she is a master manipulator, it seems all that she learns about psychology its used only to control and abuse people even better.
Oh my God THANK YOU! This was important information for me. I was listening and expecting you to describe my ex girlfriend who was a covert narcissist. Instead you perfectly described my Ex Fiancee perfectly. I have never felt love that intense. Every word you said. Even the wanting" more" was scary when you said it. The love of my life. Had me completely, mind body and soul. I understood her mental cycle. I didn't know it had a name... I didn't know it was responsible for the intense love she showed me... ...I did know it was why she kept sleeping around. ...Now I know I'm truly free of all the strings. The heart mended months ago. The soul put itself back together with new pieces. The mind still needed a reason why. It had its answer now. THANK YOU SO MUCH. You truly have no idea how grateful i am.
Wow.. I just dodged a bullet. I thought she was the one within the first few days from the way that she was with me. You just cleared all the questions I’ve had thank you so very much - I really needed this closure.
Good afternoon, Lise. Just discovered your channel and really appreciate your no-nonsense, no fluff approach. You are very direct and do not sugarcoat, which is very refreshing. Thank you for all that you do and I wish you many blessings.
True story about my ex whom I believe may have BPD.... it was 4 weeks into our 'whirl wind' romance. I was sitting at my kitchen desk doing some work and ex was cooking us dinner. She had just started cooking the meat which smelled rotten. We were in Mexico and I wasn't going to trust meat that smelled off and potentially make us ill. I mentioned the smell to her and asked her opinion. She SLAMMED the frying pan and started going off about how I was being rude to her. I couldn't believe how she misinterpreted my concerns and how she quickly exploded. That was my first twilight zone experience with her. No matter how calmly I tried to explain to her that I wasn't disrespecting her cooking, she was convinced I was saying she's a bad cook. After another 3 blow outs over roughly 10 days I sent her packing. Within days she was bangin' some other dude. What really sucked for me is the trauma bond had been set. It took me 10 agonizing months to finally break the bond and feel good again on my own. Ice cold showers did the trick.
@@davidvalens3337 from my basic understanding of emotional bonds (the glue that keeps you coupled) - there was enough positive reinforcement in the relationship for my brain to get hooked on her - even though she had other terrible sides to her personality. Being with her released dopamine, oxytocin and other feel good stuff. After I broke up with her? I felt depressed, anxious etc. constantly thinking about her. Cold showers are a way to hack that need - get those feel good chemicals you were once getting out of a relationship. Just 30 seconds of ice cold water immersion of 15 degrees Celsius or lower will increase levels of dopamine by as much as 250% & Norepinephrine by as much as 500%. There are other chemicals released but those 2 are the big ones. I missed that woman for 10 months straight, it was awful... but after that first cold shower, I finally felt good again because I got the feel good chemicals I needed. It's given me huge confidence knowing I'll be 100% okay if I need to walk away from someone else in the future.
@@outlander234 people stereotype like it’s BPD women giving you kinky sex that attracts men. Yea it’s part of it but the reason it’s so attractive is as a man you feel like this woman actually wants to please you and make you happy versus it just being a chore or something expected of her. For me it was feeling sucked in by the “crazy eyes” during and after sex that I didn’t recognize at the time. Your happy because she is happy. Unfortunately it is just short term bliss.
I had several experineces like this where, on a dime, I was accused of being rude, I said something about her hair, then rage and accuisations....at first it was like whatever then it got scary bc I didn't know if anything was ok to say....
My ex has BPD and the narcissistic traits that you described in other videos. You absolutely nailed it! The sex bombing, the devaluing, belittling, nothing is ever good enough, then she uses her body to try to win me back, and thr same cycle happens over and over and over again.
100% accurate. I just escaped a 1 month relationship with borderline. First 2 weeks were great, the second two where the craziest thing I've ever experienced
8 months, first three were heavenly, last 5 were hell, you had to have lived it to believe it. The degrading was not something I thought possible. She was possessed by something not right.
@@Injusticestinks so hard, 5 months is a long time to have gone through that. Mine has been harassing me online relentlessly, so much so my immune system was struggling and I was getting sick. She's been making up rumors about me and threatening to tell people these lies in ever desperate attempts to get me to reply to her emails. I hope you have peace and healing now
3 month relationship for me, been over for 4 months since discard and I am still depressed and lost, wondering what happened. This video was like a play book
I was with a girl who was low key most of these. The relationship was emotionally intense and I ended it because I couldnt see myself living like that for the rest of my life, I knew I could never make her happy and it made me quite sad inside. But I will say the rollercoaster meant I was also more emotionally drawn in than in the other relationships I have had. Her neediness was both positive and negative.
You sound like my ex lmao I’m sorry you had to do that. yeah I’m sure like me, she felt abandoned and put blame on you or you felt she did. I hope you know it’s not true and you did the right thing. There’s nothing you can do for us until we are ready to really look at ourselves in the mirror and acknowledge why we do the things we do and that we have coping mechanisms that negatively impact inter personal relationships.pretty much taking responsibility. Many have a ‘victim mentality’ I did and mix that with black and white thinking. When we try to redistribute blame we tend to either put it all on one party or ourselves. Instead of seeing the role both parties play.
Don't immediately jump to conclusions and label yourself BLD or NPD. Possibly you have been with men who have made you feel broken and shifted blame on you, when they were the ones with NPD.
@@Nicana68 possibly. but why do i like so much love bombing? the attention? the hoovering? It could be CPTSD too. Thank you so much for your kind words!
@@thainamoura9833 hey, you'll be ok. Feeling needy and insecure doesn't mean you have BPD and having low self esteem is not a personality disorder. It is however a huge attractant to users and narcissistic abusers who will readily provoke the kind of behaviour they can label as 'crazy BPD'.
I dated someone who expressed she had never made it beyond the six-month mark in a relationship since her divorce 8 years prior. She even made it a point that we will be forever together if we can make it to six months. I ended up breaking up with her at six months exactly as I couldn't take the emotional abuse any longer.
I have bpd. I know now because of these videos and realise. For me I lived in a world where your relationship was unrealistic, like a romance, wuthering heights, not in reality. I needed to be saved and no one else live in our story. I have been with my husband since I was 14, married 36 years, no exes. He has avoidance personality disorder. So we're well matched really. I live in our own world and can become very anxious dealing with strangers. But I'm aware of it so when these issues come up I tell myself I'm being unrealistic. Hope it helps from my point of view.
Thank you for typing this. Bpd has such a bad rep, it’s really nice to read comments from people like you who are such great examples of bpd people not always being toxic or bad or unhealthy. Thank you.
In addition to your 10, this is what I went through in my 4.5 year rollercoaster!!! The person you fell in love with doesn't exist. Invalidates your feelings, doesn't listen to your thoughts or feelings, will make fun of your feelings. Her feelings are more important than anyone else's. Conversations that end up down rabbit holes. Tells you to leave her alone when she's feeling overwhelmed, then gets angry when you don't give her attention when she is overwhelmed, Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I hate you, don't leave me! Projecting her lies and insecurities onto you and blames you for having feelings that you don't have. False accusations and extreme storytelling. Dystopian narrative. Lack of Object Constancy. Spiteful and nasty words. If you tell her she hurt your feelings or that you're lonely or need some attention, then it's 'your' problem, not hers. Stonewalling / shutting down. Fine one minute, then, out of nowhere, a childish teenage tantrum that will last for three days. Contrarian/ confrontational / spiky. Unable to resolve arguments. Right-fighting, unable to lose an argument as it brings shame. Shame makes them feel not good enough. Hyper sensitive. If you want to bring up an issue, it will be taken as a criticism on their personality, character, bad girlfriend, bad mother. Everything is black or white, unable to see any nuance or grey. She refuses to give you emotional support, comfort you, nurture you. Demands constant validation from her friends and strangers / social media. Creating problems out of nothing. Extreme hypocrisy. Unable to be honest and open. Unable to communicate their feelings. Non communicated expectations. If those expectations aren't met, then she will eventually ghost you and create conflict. Threats of breaking up with you. Gaslighting. Jeopardising and self sabotaging the relationship, and blaming you're doing it! Tells you you're not needed, you're pointless, she can do everything herself, but then she demands emotional commitment/marriage/financial commitment. Infidelity / cheating and then questions your infidelity(!) Sex is validation, and was abused as a child. Will get angry during sex if you do the wrong thing and sabotage lovemaking with her extreme emotional outbreaks. Unable to communicate her wants and needs. Refuses to meet your wants and needs, that you communicated to her. Makes fun of your wants and needs and questions and ridicules them. Selfishness, individualism, hyper-independence. Unappreciative of all the things you have done and still do. Cannot take any accountability or apologise. Everything is about her. Her satisfaction, her pleasure, her needs. Every relationship break up (partners or family) was everyone else's fault. She was the victim. She is always the victim. Lacks any emotional permanence. Denies the truth even if it's staring at her in her face. Will speak badly about you behind your back to all her friends and make up false stories. They avoid the past because that would mean self reflection. Repeated break ups, push/pull, you leave and you end up in a 10 day email/phone/whatsapp spat. During that time they will go off and have sex with their hidden supply, then they will hoover you back. You return, tail between your legs because they made it all your fault. She tells you how much she loves you, but that she’s lowering her expectations by having you back, you try harder this time round….and the cycle continues… It’s evil. It’s toxic. It’s cruel and nasty. It’s unhealthy. I barely recognised myself after the final discard.
10+ years with a borderline, a very accurate list. To be honest, many of these points are common to a degree - almost everyone is a little selfish and demanding emotionally or is a hypocrite and doesnt see his faults. With BPD, it is the sheer frequency and consistency that makes it clear this person really isnt percieving reality the way we do. Many less experienced partners take their words seriously, argue wirh them and fight with them over something that is so over the top, at which point you still blame yourself and think that perhaps they are really hurt and just kind, sensitive souls - because thats what any sensible person would feel, right? But with time, you will learn that you dont really need to say ANYTHING, participate or even be present and she will still become absolutely aggressive and disregulated, its ALL HER. At that point you are dealing with pathology, and their attempts to make you responsible (“You just need to be nice to me!”) remind you of a husband who brutally beats his wife and then demands appology saying “look what you made me do!”. I trully feel if absolute majority of borderlines were not young women, these would be people who would involve in heavy physical abuse and violence.
@@luismoreira9082 If your question is how to win back a person with BPD, you must understand that they simply arent rational in the long run and cannot see you as a personality in all your depth and width, they cant recall what you did for them, all the fun time you had and how many years you spent together - they ONLY see you here and now, as the person that failed them or hurt them a few days ago and is therefore the worst person they know. They typically dont break up with you in a rational, calculated manner - more often they are afraid of abandonment to a degree that they would dump you first simply stay in control. If it isnt an impulsive decision, they typically find a new partner before ending your relationship to avoid the feel od abandonment and void. Coming back is very frequent, again, because there isnt deep rational thinking behind it, a tantrum wears off and in a few days time, they might act like nothing happened and dont understand why you are so upset, they might even promise things will change. It will flatter them that you are interested because they love to be appreciated and valued.
I walked through fields of red flags covered in thorns, not understanding what BPD actually was… I didn’t come to my senses for years until after I finally left after being pushed and ended up at the bottom at a flight of stairs.
You just described my first marriage; within a week I was living with her. Soon afterwards it was difficult for me to visit my family. It took a while to see how she manipulated me into isolation from family and friends. When I finally rebelled and began to assert some independence and self-determination she went nuts, and she soon found another victim to manipulate. Unfortunately for her he took her for a ride, they married, moved to Florida, and he spent them both of them into debt serious debt. Run away if you feel your spidey senses tingling, they are there for a reason.
I spent a year in this, our relationship progressed 100% identical to this starting with the intense love right off of the bat. She could flip and the outbursts could seem manic at times. Everything you described was exactly what happened to me. I’m a recovering alcoholic and completely relapsed during this relationship. The relapse was due to the fact that I quit going to my AA meetings and didn’t keep in touch with my friends in recovery it was always an argument when I did. I wish I had seen this earlier. Thank you and I am back in recovery
Lise, I somehow stumbled into this vid and simply SHOCKED how on point this was and I LIVED all 10 of those flags and it nearly killed me! She approached me when we met, she was aggressive and also super attractive. I found it odd from the get go but it took a couple months before I started to see that things seemed wrong. She is talking marriage, she secretly went through my phone trying to learn about any contacts I had, stalked me on SM to the point I changed settings so no one could see when I was no, etc. Her biggest glitches came out when she drank. Her mouth would say hurtful things, she would dance like a stripper, then act all "proper" when sober. We went 3.5yrs (I am an idiot), we were at a family holiday thing at per parents, her mouth started going, and I just wanted to get away from her. I retreated to my own home for 2 weeks while still talking to her, she found another guy, had sex immediately, knocked up in 30 days, etc. I really feel sorry for the dude but not really! LOL He totally screwed.
I lived the almost the same experience than you. Was in a relationship of 2 or 3 years, it was during the covid period. So just after they ended the quarantine where i live i had to drop her from my parents home to her student accommodation because she had to go to university for her classes. I dropped her on sunday. On monday afternoon i receive a message from her telling me she cheated on me with a guy from her class. I could'nt believe it, so i met her in person then asked her if it was true, she said yes, so i told her "ok, we are done", then a few months she was pregnant from the same guy because she had sex with him some more times, even though she didnt like him, because she was afraid of staying alone. Now i am having a really hard time trusting any woman, and i was already very picky.
That is horrid, hilarious and of course too familiar. Its the "hate you, dont leave me!", the total lack of morals in some sense and of course the typical promised deep and eternal love that suddenly stops and in a week she moves in with her boss and looks at you with cold, lizard eyes, not understanding what you even complain about.
Wow, you just described me and my ex wife's relationship really well. She was honest and told me she had BPD like 2 weeks into our relationship, but I didn't know anything about it at the time. She displayed every red flag that you mentioned. The relationship was an out of control roller coaster with extreme highs and lows. Eventually after being married for about 6 months she tried to fight me (verbally not physically) about something super petty and she was going off the rails about it and I was completely fed up with her behavior and divorced her. I loved her greatly but people like her are far too mentally ill to be getting into relationships because it will never work for them and it will only hurt the other person as well as themselves.
Next time a partner lets you know they have a mental illness. Look into it and learn about it if you want to try to understand them better. Or walk away.
Tantrums over petty things can be ignored if you are commited enough, but wait until she will use the same level of aggression, violence and the pure egotrip on something serious that really matters in life…
@@Megdracula the trouble is that vast majority of sources vastly underestimate what BPD really means, they describe it from POV of the person suffering from it but mostly reduce it to “mood swing”. But you will be shocked what it really is for the partner or children.
Losing yourself is the big one. It’s impossible to see in real time. You’ll THINK you’re managing it. You won’t realize how far you’ve fallen until after the discard.
For me I was the one who ended it. I felt bad for years until I watched a video about BPD on another channel and realised why I felt like that. Yet here I am many years later watching another video. Which tells me her impact on me must still be there. She is married now. She actually called me out of the blue recently and needed advice about her husbands job as he was getting fired.
Yeah I lost myself and destroyed the relationship for the sake of my peace. It's been a month now and although I kept blaming myself for exploding and ending it watching countless videos making me think I'm a dark empath, which didn't make sense to me as I do have affective empathy. I then came across bpd, and every point has been dead on accurate on this video its scary
I agree. That's where I'm at now. I lost myself so bad, I struggle to do the normal things I've done before her. I feel lost and depressed because I dedicated all my time to her and her son's wants and needs
@@clintonnagy1662 Welcome to the club brother. It’s a hard lesson, but you will become stronger & wiser from it. Invest in yourself, and never put yourself in that position again. 👍
You are the GOAT. I have talked with a few therapists who claim to “specialize” in relationship issues, and I’m sure they know a lot more than what was discussed in my appointments with, but whenever I talk about my past or at the time current relationships with a few women who either had BPD or at least very, very strong traits if not formally diagnosed, my therapists would not listen to my history of being in these kinds of relationships and just end those conversations quickly with “you need to just leave that relationship.” Even though the solution they proposed was right, it made it harder for me to trust other advices they would give me when I didn’t feel like my stories/history were being fully heard or understood. It’s important for me to feel confident that my therapist understands my full story to help me believe in their treatment plans. What helped me after listening to this video was that I began to reflect on the type of women I formed relationships with and how much of a higher stock I need to place confidence in not only myself, but also the women I form relationships with. I began watching SO MANY VIDEOS about BPD after having gone through multiple different relationships where however many of my exes either for sure had or might have had BPD, and this video brought fresh insight into these kinds of relationships. Based on my multiple experiences of having formed relationships with women with BPD, I feel like this issue is bigger and more common than what most people think it is, but society shames the men who need to talk about being in these circumstances in seeking help. I think this is so for multiple reasons: 1. There’s a pandemic of however many men who overly and irrationally describe women being crazy and the men who do this disempower the other men who need help in the relationships they form with BPD individuals. It’s very difficult getting thorough advice on these types of relationships because these relationship stories are not listened to or given much credit. Lise Leblanc is one of the GOATs out there in the UA-cam mental health world giving me hope and validation of my experiences.
Yeah, experienced this in my last two relationships. Great summary. Thank you for verifying my experience as something unhealthy and toxic...definitely hope to find a healthy relationship next time round.
If you're having a "neither with or without you" kind of relationship with a person who has BPD, check to make sure you do not in fact have NPD. I think those two find each other. BPD's are experts at providing narcissistic supply to NPD's.
This.. Oh, such a small number of ppl would even admit that maybe both of us are the problem.. Or have problems that have nothing with our SO.. Edit:Not sure if express myself good but I get what you mean! 😂🙋🏼♀️🍀🇨🇭
Professor Sam Vaknin is the most amazing expert on all this. I found him online by accident and he explains these 2 conditions so well, he's the best expert I've ever heard. He says codependency is a combination of narcissism and borderline personalities (as in 2 in a relationship of any kind) which fits with what you just said. He says narcissism is the result of parental(caregiver) neglect and being ignored which is their driver too be seen and heard. BPD is a result of parental physical and emotional abuse (sexual abuse would be another) which is the driver of the internal adoption of self beliefs given by the parent to become tge child's own identification. Eg: your useless, stupid, lazy,ugly etc. Which of course makes them over sensitive, insecure, needy etc. Both narcissism and BPD are relational disorders, they need others to be quantified. I listened to an interview he did on this a few days ago with another amazing specialist in this field. Well worth looking him up.
BPDs are the most narcissistic weirdos. I had to call 911 on mine. He wants to drain me financially, not work, tear up my home, terrorize me nightly. All I do is take care of him. I want him to grow up. I don’t know how anyone who loves themselves can put up with this. I doubt someone who’s narcissistic is dumb enough to date a BPD
I dated someone with BPD for 5 years. It was a very dependent relationship on her end, and I took care of her constantly. There was some appeal to it though. However, in between those states, there was a lot of abuse, a lot of push and pull, and often me walking on eggshells. If I didn't watch out, I would hurt their feelings or cause them to have a depressive reaction. the girl I was with was somewhat suicidal, so towards the end of the relationship everything became so toxic. If I didn't take care of her tantrum and argument(which they initiated most of the time) and I didn't stay up all night fixing the problem they created in her head, then she would get upset because I went to sleep instead of being sleep deprived with her the next day. She would threaten suicide too if I just let it go and she hasn't yet. Eventually it got so intense that I had to leave. She begged for her life basically for me to stay, and after rejecting it for a while, she started berating me about it. Haven't been in a real relationship since.
Classic story. Was she diagnosed? My wife of 10 years threatened and attempted suicide multiple times. It helped when I refused to be blackmailed by the situation and called an ambulance when she did. It seemed some of these attempts were mostly for show - it shocked me when I visited her in a psychiatric ward afterwards and she told me she was horrified to learn that all the pills she swallowed could have destroyed her stomach - not a thing someone serious about ending their life really contemplates.
@@f4ust85 That’s a good question, I don’t remember if she was diagnosed or not. But yeah, all the signs were there. I didn’t wanna let her go because aside from the all toxicity, we had good moments and I adored her. Agreed. If suicide was a real option for her, there would be no prolonged threat, she would just do it. Were her suicide threats over tiny easily fixable issues or situations?
@@zekesalazar7643I think a specific kind of men fall for these types and stay with them long-term, which in itself is a warning sign about ones own emotional health. Girls with BPD in particular do the push-pull routine, want you to be their "daddy" regulating her life and moderating her emotions, but then switches and accuses you of being a controlling bully and a tyrant who hurts her, runs away, quits her job, cheats on you to proove she can, and so on. Its good that you ended it soon enough when its rather sweet - with time, she would start to resent you for all the scenes SHE makes. As for the suicides, it is mostly over emotions - feeling not loved enough, feeling refused, unwanted, feeling hollow with you. Everything revolves around that. Its emotional cannibalism really.
WOW! this is exactly what happened with the last woman I dated! I had considered that she might be mentally unstable but I'm glad It all makes sense now. thank you so much!
Forces in society stopped me from having intersexual relationships when I was young (I am 69 now) but when I realize what men go through with "girlfriends" I reflect that my early life missing out in this sphere was not a total personal tragedy for me :)
O... M... G..... I've been desperately trying to figure out what the hell happened to my last relationship... She explains the symptoms EXACTLY like how my ex was!
Her explanation reassures me that my senses were correct, I was caught up in the dream and was sucked in wanting love. I've never kissed or made love to any one else with so much passion. I want some of that in my life, it still haunts me years later
@@ezr168 yes I still unfortunately miss the intensity. I guess I will never experience that again but on the plus side I wont be married to an emotional roulette wheel. I feel sorry for her husband, who of course she met through me.
Holy shit this described my first relationship practically 100%. Throw on top me not having the emotional maturity at the time to understand what was even happening, i was lost in a sea of confusion and anxiety for 3 years. I talk with my friends now and they tell me how i was a totally different person with her than i was before and now after. How i became so much quieter and less outgoing, how i always seemed like my mind was elsewhere, that i wasn't me anymore. Now i know thats because of how anxious and concerned i was with her reaction to everything i did. But even once it ended, is still missed her, but was angry for the time and mental health she had taken from me. Human emotion is wild, man. I lost all the fun I should have had with my friends in my early 20s post college and despite my relationships with friends and family being stronger now than ever before, I'll probably never be able to completely let go if the resentment I have against her for it. Entering new relationships now is still hard for me bc thats still my main reference point of how relationships work and im fearful of the same patterns emerging. It was honestly traumatic.
Hopefully you get sorted out faster than I do. Haven't seriously considered dating in 6 years and I've been moreorless content to just do my own thing and rub one out quick if needed.
Well done on video. When learning about PD’s many years ago, I realised I once had behaviours aligned to BPD in my late teens early 20’s - this enabled me to clear and attend to the behaviours. I also had a few partners with Undiagnosed BPD (histrionic possibly). I am a separated parent, and other father’s (some mothers) are surprised when I can lay out a pattern of behaviours their partners did before and after separation - as soon as they give me a few behaviours reflecting your list. I introduce them to Personality disorder and also Bi-polar (II) to help them start to realise they (and their children) are on a roller coaster, but that roller coaster is someone else’s. Thanks
You described a previous relationship to a tee. My (ex)girlfriend was never formally diagnosed with BPD or narcissistic personality disorder, but I have no doubt she was afflicted with at least one, based on your characterizations of.
After nearly 40 years of toxic relationships, I still find it really hard to tell the difference between narcisists and borderliners. But by now at least I've learned that in either case, the best thing to do is leave as soon as you can.
BPD have regrets & FeeL bad about the stuff they do, narcissists normally don't... I have BPD traits, but I attract narcissists... I am healthier when not around my narcissist family members... BPD is like a trauma... I have worked on myself so much.... BPD people are normally very introspective... BUT also there are different types... Not everything is used as manipulation... This video makes it sound like all boundaries stated are for manipulation, when it may just be because they want boundaries and security...
This video hits the nail on the head. I’m so glad I know what I’ve been dealing with in my partner. Before I saw this video, intuitively I came to understand that I had to slow down and set boundaries with her. I still hope and pray that she will get professional help, and that she will have her mind renewed by the power of the Holy Spirit, but that’s between her and God.
Your description was so accurate it actually took me back like an old song or smell takes you back to childhood. Just want to add: The only way to have prace was to admit whatever accusations were thrown during the crisis, make amends and move on to the reconciliation part which i loved (maybe even got addicted to). Today i still resent the hypocrisy, being accused of things i did not or say, while she did. Ie she checked my phone, my briefcase everything and found nothing relevant, the only time i did, to show no one can take this level of scrutiny i found controversial messages...even today i still can still remember the double standard i was subjected to and accepted. Still not sure how!
I experienced this. She flipped for the first time and I was like Whoa. By the time I got into a relationship with her she was an alcoholic and took prescription Xanax. She had to be medicated all the time. Emotional roller coaster at 100 mph. Finally after a year I couldn’t physically and mentally take it anymore and I had to block her and get away. It was insane. Beautiful girl too but she was gone. After I got away she went and moved in with a guy she met on Facebook 1000 miles away. He was a total weirdo but that was the only option she had at that point. Sadly within a year she died from cirrhosis of the liver at age 54. It’s very sad but i couldn’t help her and I ultimately had to save myself because I was almost destroyed. You describe it perfectly Lise.
I stayed with her for 14 years, she had so many prescription drugs in her purse it sounded like a box of baby rattles. She is going to be 60 soon, I'm surprised she's still alive. I haven't seen her in over 2 years, I heard she looks horrible, that made me feel bad when I first heard that. But quickly realized there was nothing I could do and it wasn't my problem anymore. I know she was never happy and she never will be. I almost died trying to help her. Her daughter helped discard me and I really weird sneaky way, they were after a payoff on my house. It did not work for them. I just told myself it's all on her daughter now. The whole thing was just so weird.
@@surfshack2 I know it's just stupid on their part, it seems like they always suffer the most. I came to the conclusion my ex likes being miserable, it is just what she is best at. I like fulfillment and happiness myself.
@@brianreed8271 it takes a very strong and strong willed person to lift yourself up in this life, usually it comes from a good family or someone in your family who inspires you. It’s your best asset. Never let anyone take that from you. I don’t care what they tell you, if it doesn’t feel right , you gotta move on.
This is fantastic stuff. I've forwarded your stages of NPD to my therapist. Thanks very much for the videos. I've deleted everything from my phone regarding her. I know I won't get full closure I appreciate that. But yesterday was a turning point for me. Thanks to your videos. No more researching. ❤️
This is so right on target it's frightening and until you have lived through it, you really can't appreciate how devastating it is. In the end, I feared for my life and it took years of drama, police intervention, court postponements, and uphill legal battles to finally wrangle a very expensive final divorce from her. She had become so sick, that her own family rejected her and would have nothing to do with her. That whole period of my life was a bloody nightmare and it went on for years and years. 🎈
Very astute Lise. My person had every flag except 7. I’m 60 days no contact after living 15 years dealing with these behaviors on the daily. My spidey sense was going crazy in the beginning ( and throughout) but having clarity of mind to act was overcome by the most amazing sex and love bombing you could imagine. My judgment was completely compromised and I had no real sense of the impending danger these behaviors would bring. Now I’m in the education phase of recovery. Understanding this illness and it’s destructive impact and figuring out my next steps are where I am now. Thanks a million for taking the time to impart your expertise regarding BPD. You nailed these red flags perfectly.
1. She idealises you, puts you on a pedestal. Extreme intimacy and connection. Makes you feel special. Gets you and is massively into you. 1. She doesn't know who she is. Her sense of self is blurry and unstable. She tries to blend into you and become your ideal fantasy woman. 2. Relationship is on turbo speed. 2. Unusual frequency of intensity of sex. 3. Weird things start to happen. At first just micro shifts. Barely noticable. Gut feeling of something not quite right. 1. They want to know everything about you. Strange and detailed questions about your past and past relationships. At first cool and neutral. 2. Then the mask starts slipping a little. 3. Impulsive, intense, emotionally dysregulated. 4. Later she'll need reassurance that she's better than your ex(es), that you love her more. Extreme jealousy. Relationship with an ex even platonic leads to a lot of drama. 4. In the first few weeks she'll open up about past trauma and rocky relationships and be very vulnerable. Activates your protectice instincts and gets you more emontionally invested in her. 1. In the beginning she'll treat you like a superhero, angel, teacher, and the safest person she's ever met. 2. Soon you'll find yourself reassuring her and promising to never do anything to hurt her. You'll want to do everything in your power to make her feel safe. 3. She'll want you to help her manage her emotions, make her feel safe, and not hurt her like everybody else in her life has done. 4. Not doing this with ill intentions to purposefully manipulate. Truly seeing you as somebody who can save her, at least initially. 5. If you pull away even the slightest to spend time by yourself without constantly texting her she will emotionally and sexually pull away. 6. Obsessive childlike neediness for you and then complete abandonment if she feels even a slight shift in your energy. 5. Quickly flips. Emotionally or physically. Can flip to talking in a childish way. Emotional regression and communication breakdown. 1. Extreme emotional shifts. Emotional melt-downs. Can become quite aggressive and irrational. Deflection, projections, ultimatums, gaslighting and other destructive emotional communication tactics. 2. No reasoning with her even if you stay cool. You will feel like you've done nothing wrong but she's is going off on you. The more you try to explain or bring it down the worse it gets. 3. The outbursts may not be extreme rage, but extreme anxiety, stress, guilt, shame, and can turn to self-harm. 6. After an emotional outburst it is hard for her to admit fault, but if she apologises it will be profuse, dramatic and filled with shame. 1. She might tell you how terrible she feels, but is more likely to tell you how terrible she "is" and how unworthy she feels 2. You might find yourself apologising and saying that her nasty or abusive behaviour wasn't all that bad. 3. If she's not apologetic she will remind you of her past trauma and blame you for triggering her while justifying and excusing herself. 4. You might find yourself treading very lightly, walking on eggshells, to avoid triggering these insecurities and having to deal with these wild irrational fits of anger, jealosy, hurt, etc. 5. After there will almost always be a repair and aftercare period she's back to the amazing nurturing woman you fell for. 6. You might think things are actually changing for the better, but this cycle of rage followed by intense affection will go on and on, making you feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster. 7. Self-harm or threats of suicide. 65-80% of people with BPD engage some type of self-injury. 8. She created loyalty binds between you and your family, friends, co-workers, or kids. She will create scenarios where you have to defend her to your loved ones. 1. If for any reason you don't agree with her, take her side, or defend her, you will be seen as spineless weakling who does not know how to take care of a woman. 9. You realise you are losing yourself or have lost yourself. You probably know you're in a toxic relationship but you've got so much invested and you're still holding on to hope that you can save her, that things can get better. But you're mentally, physically and emotionall drained. You are exhausted. 1. On the inside you're probably feeling anxious, depressed, resentful, suspicious and deeply flawed. 10. She cannot be satiated. She is never satisfied no matter what you do. You have the same repetitive fights and conversations that she's not happy, she needs more from you, she needs more from life.
As someone who has been in the situation with a female partner twice, I can say this video is beyond incredible and is so accurate. It gave me goosebumps. Bravo one of the best videos on this topic I’ve ever seen.!
You hit the nail on the head! I've been married to a woman with BPD for 18 years and it has been an emotional roller coaster with no end. What I've found is that there is no way to reason with her when her emotions run high. I try to realize what she is saying and doing is out of her control.
Wow. I thought my head was going to fall off with all the nodding I did. I feel for pwBpd. It must be so draining on a daily basis to battle all these emotions. They want to be loved so much but won't allow it. They never asked for this illness. They've done nothing wrong. I've currently just been split on from my partner & literally blocked on everything. I'm a fixer & as much as I want to I know I can't fix her & it's so frustrating. I can't make it right & I literally don't know where to turn. I'm so angry with myself for putting up with it all for the last 8 mths. But I've tried & tried & just get thrown away again & again. Thank you Lise for helping me to open my eyes a little.
"Everyone else is the problem and I'm always the victim, everyone I've dated is a narcissist and I was an angel. They always abuse me. You're different, until however, you make any type of normal human mistake and are not perfect, then you're trash and I'll tell everyone how bad you were to me."- BPD in a nutshell
(anyone can be like this in a relationship. it's also very common for people with BPD to be in abusive relationships or with a narcissist because the narcissist plays the game well and makes the person with BPD feed into the 'not good enough' feeling that we already have)
BPD not innocent but we do attract narcissists because we both enjoy the love bombing of each other & intensity. Most BPD went thru severe abuse as a child so we’re attracted to unhealthy relationships as well
If you haven’t already, you could easily distribute your videos ‘audio only’ to a podcast. It can increase your reach. I appreciate this content. It is truly helpful and presented honestly and earnestly. This video made me thankful to be happily divorced. You present some scary prospects. Oof.
@@LiseLeblanc I distribute mine through Transistor. They seem good at finding podcast platforms to put your podcast on. They offer some marketing tools as well. There are however a lot of podcast distribution platforms to choose from.
Thankyou for posting… it helped me to understand and recover faster from a brief interaction that left me bereft dazed confused and heartbroken after being convinced I’d finally met someone truly special. Heed these flags and run… or don’t and have a truly miserable soul destroying experience….
Omg! 30 plus years with a BPD “ friend” - she was more like my friendnemy. I rationalized so many of the negatives and specifically bypassed this feeling of not being loved and accepted mainly bc my tolerance for BS was high. As I started healing my codependency and started attending college as an adult , it pushed me to grow and change. To make the story short, one day I finally had enough and went grey rock on her until she stopped calling me . I now look back and feel horrified that I tolerated the things I did just bc I focused on one or two positives . I looked and looked for BPD information and there is not much out there as it is compare to narcissism . Thank you for making this video 🙏
Maybe it's just me but I've never met a normal person. Everyone has behavioural problems conditioned by their past experiences that obviously vary in severity. I have BPD. I have no ill intentions, and love the people in my life wholeheartedly. I know I give them more love and an ear more than most do. I add a lot of positivity in their lives with my insights. I help them become more confident because I magnify to their view the great parts of themselves they hardly see. Sure they experience the tumultuous parts of me sometimes but they also hurt and let me down too in some ways. We all hurt each other. There is a red flag for every adult who has had a human experience. To classify or separate people for the 'security' of others puts the others on a pedestal to point fingers and even overlook their own flaws. We are all fucked up and act in ways we're not proud of. Doesn't make us less worthy of love, compassion and acceptance. I think what matters most is intention. But with our different personalities, we all play pivotal roles in one another's lives. Imagine if we were like robots and programmed our behaviour according to a checklist of normal and 'red flag'. There's no standard for normal because normal is an illusion. At the end of the day, we all just choose to stick with those who mean something to us, not because they are less capable of causing us harm. I'm not saying people shouldn't stay away from harmful relationships, we all deserve happiness and ease in our lives. I'm just saying this victim mentality usually keeps people from looking in the mirror.
Hear hear. The mental health industry is ever so slowly shifting from the pathologizing question 'what is wrong with you' to 'what happened to you'. Unfortunately the money is still made with the former by pushing pills. In 25, 50, 100 years that DSM thing has undergone major changes anyway. All the best. ❤️🤗❤️✌️
You want a victim mentality??? Just read almost all of the comments - ON ANY NARC CHANNEL. I didn't know there were that many people without mirrors. We live in a victim mentality world. Everyone holds some responsibility.
Watching this video was like hearing my last relationship described word by word with uncanny accuracy. Better than I can put it myself. Thank you, from the depths of my heart.
I'd say the biggest red flag was, as I call it, parroting. Everytime I had an issue, I felt lonely, like she didn't love me, I was depressed, felt unappreciated. Whatever it was, when I brought it up, she instantly parrots me. She feels the exact same way I said how I felt. Now of course I'm like why haven't you mentioned this before???? Then of course the focus went onto her feelings with total disregard of mine. No matter how much i tried to turn the conversation to my feelings, shed silent treat me until I acknowledged her feelings. The argument ended with me apologizing for things I didn't even know I did. I was so exhausted at this point i gave up on getting anything from her about my feelings and go to bed while my feelings are still hurt. No acknowledgement of my pain. No care, no resolution. Almost 4 years and not once did she acknowledge ANYTHING she did wrong or how she, or her kids hurt me
this never stops. You can have your parents dying while being terminally ill yourself, they will find a way to tell you they are worse off and deny you support. BPD is just closet narcissism in its most extreme form.
@@thankyoujesus2836 Just flat out disrespect. If ask them to do things and they deliberately blow me off. They'd leave food and garbage all over the house. Neve took care of the animals. But mostly it was her oldest. She was definitely entitled, felt she could do whatever she wanted and say whatever she wanted to me. She wouldn't do anything for weeks but sit on her bed on her phone then ask me to drive her all over the place. If I said no, me ex got pissed at me
@@thankyoujesus2836 Then they would tell their mom I said things I never did, yelled at them or punished them. I was always blown away when she brought it up. Of course it was a lose lose situation. I had so much anxiety coming home everyday to see they didn't do anything and if I told them, they'd lie to their mother. If I told my ex, she blew me off.
@@johnkuwik2477 very interesting. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you went through that. I went through something similar, it seems this type of behavior breeds in families of narcs, there seems to be no discipline nor respect. I eventually let it change me to where I’m very relaxed now, I felt like you did.
It's incredible how precise this is! Thank you Lise for making these for us, only wish I had some other reason for discovering this sooner! It all makes so much sense now. Sadly, I found you for the exact reason you make these videos. Proud to say, thanks to you and these videos, I've moved past this nightmare, mentally ill, rubber stamped paper-doll. Thank you.
Great stuff. My mother is a BPD individual with a lifetime undiagnosed eating disorder. I recognize so much of the radical behavior, guilt tripping, hero-worshipping and abasement she exhibited against my father and step-father. I suppose I'll be watching your next video to see what kind of BPD she wears!
"Emotionally disregulated." 100% best phrase I've heard regarding these types of people. Another favorite from another psychologists...they haven't been domesticated.
Oh my! I lived all 10 things that she talks about. I wish I would had known about and listened to Lise's videos months ago. It would have definitely helped me to not be where I am emotionally now. But, better late than never.
Well I’ve seen your videos on Narcissist disorder and it was concerning and I was thinking this was my ex. Now that I see this video it is a bpd. She admitted it to me but 2 months later told me she didn’t have anything. Idk 😐. I still love her and I care for her but I understand I need to be strong and keep her in prayers. All I could hope is that she gets help and can live a normal life. I won’t discard her because she’s human. We are to love one another and be kind.
Wow. You just described exactly what a certain romantic partner did, point for point. There was an irony in this relationship, as it led me to sobriety. When I met her I was extremely needy, so I kept with all the drama. It was ugly in itself, but as I said, I kicked the bottle because of the mess.
This is one of the best descriptions of behaviors (red flags) on BPD that I have come across. Most are so overly high level that it makes it hard to put it all together. This was spot on for a lot of the things I experienced over 4 years.
Omg . You just told the last eight years of my life . I've been away from her for the last 7 months . I believe she had bpd along with vulnerable narcissism . I am trying to learn as much as possible about the cluster b disorders. Never knew any of this stuff before . Thank you so much for you insight
NPD and BPD. There is a lot of cross over. But mine definitely has both. It really saddens me because we do have children together, but she refuses any help and it has become untenable for me to be with her beyond a co parenting relationship I fear. Thank you for putting this information out with such comprehension. You are a true professional.
As a survivor of eighteen years with a Borderline woman all I can say is once you do leave! Life begins!!! It costs a lot to leave! But to stay would’ve cost me my life and family. 5 years out now and financially recovered. If I drop a jar of jam spread on the floor accidentally breaking it my current partner will check to see if I’ve hurt my foot and offer to run down the store for another one. She’ll say leave that sweetheart I’ll clean it up and smile. My ex wife would’ve shaken her head scowled at me and told me how stupid I was and complained about the cost of buying more jam. That’s the difference! I could list a hundred or more examples. Run before you have children! Own houses. Have pets. Loose your self worth!
This is so spot on, it’s like a summary of our relationship! It took me a while to figure out what I was dealing with, but being educated on the disorder has helped a bunch. An early pregnancy in the relationship (Really early) has made me stick it out. But we’re going on 7 years now. And even though there are ups and downs, I’ve learned how to deal with them, and enjoy the normal times together
Thanks for these videos, I could not believe how much emotional, physical and financial damage was done and I'm sure all the trauma sped up my cancer. Now I have zero toxic people in my life and am so much more aware and ready to cut out anyone who wants to invite their drama into my life...
My bf has given up alcohol to save our relationship The episodes are way fewer Also he takes 5htp, it keeps his mood more optimistic and so less sensitive!
My ex def undiagnosed BPD. Hit a girl in the face with a beer bottle when they were arguing in a bar. I left her when she slapped me across the face and called me the meanest of things. I left right after that never heard from her again
I am overcoming BPD. Yes, we don't pretend. We do love, do hate, do forget. And personally I escape as well. The problem of such an abusive behaviour is because of our 2 fears: rejection and absorption. They contradict and tear us apart. I always think in my relationships(all the time): ,,This guy is too much or not enough in my life???,,. All the time!!!! Exhausting ((((. I decided to stop dating sb untill I have worked over these fears and feel safe. What really helps is getting new habits and hobbies. It makes me ,down to earth, and concentrated on my goals not men.
I've been involved - off and on - (of course!) with a woman I suspect suffers from BPD for over 30 years. I'll tell you this much - the sex is always great. Problem is, she's also always cheating on someone with me, and when she was "officially" with me, I suspect she cheated just as much. The irony is she's also extremely jealous, and was always accusing me of cheating, which I never did. Hell, I don't really care if a sexual partner sleeps around a little - it's very common, and not a deal breaker for me, as long as everyone is upfront and adult about it. She was anything but adult about anything, despite now being in her 60s with a bunch of children and grandchildren. Still, I love this woman, despite her inconsistent push-pull mood swings, and utter unreliability and fear of emotional intimacy. I also know she's trouble, and manage my expectations accordingly now. When I younger and less wise, I blamed myself for her emotionally abusive behavior. Now I keep her at arm's length . Why keep her in my life at all you might wonder? Well, like I said, I still love her. She's not evil or anything, just volitile and childish and unreliable and chaotic. Lotta fear and shame driving her behavior. I keep her around because I like her, and I like to study her behavior. BPD and narcissism frameworks help me understand her better, and accept her as the flawed human being she is. She's taught me a lot about myself too, by way of contrast. Did I mention that sex with her always rates 10 out of 10? lol.... I'm telling you, BPD women are not all bad. You just have to manage your expectations and keep them at a safe distance from an emotional standpoint. Your results may vary😅
@@gogo-bi9qh Haha! No doubt! I think it was Buddha who said: "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. Through the ditch of addiction, attachment, dependency and 10+ SEX with crazy women who make you suffer their BPD" If so, I'm as wise as Confucius. Now, how do I find one that goes to 11? No nurses or strippers please. I'm getting too old for that $%^&
I didn't simply watch this video, I lived it.
me too. it was the most horrific experience of my life. i now need to focus on our son.
@@gringoofcandamoI wish you the best of luck. ❤
I'm living it now, I've spent the last month blaming myself trying to be a better person. I thought I might be a dark empath as i destroyed the relationship for the sake of my peace. I do have affective empathy though for my friends, family, and my daughters ( they're not hers) so it was confusing me until I came across this video and every point has been listed has been dead on. I always had that spider sense but could never link it to anything.
Same here
"And, loving it"
Something else to consider. If you feel like you're always walking on eggshells around her and feeling anxious that you might say or do the wrong thing. Despite your best efforts to watch what you say or do she still continues to blow up and freak out over very little.
I’m talking to a girl now who has BPD that I have to do this with but she’s getting treatment
or she gaslights you and when you call out the bullshit on the gaslighting then they will explode in rage at you
Wow that is spot on. I ended up not talking to my gf much in the end. I was worried she'd get triggered and boom, a-bomb goes off.
This is so spot on.
Gaslights the boom freaking out as a victim....hahahaha seriously 😂😂😂😂
A simple test:
1.) Accountability. Is she willing to be held accountable for her own behavior or is everything always your or someone else's fault? Are you willing to hold her accountable? What happens if you do? Nothing is ever a BPD's fault when she gets disregulated. Personal responsibility only shows up in the "dont leave me" part of "I hate you dont leave me."
2.) Boundaries. Hearing "no". Can you say no and she will accept it? BPD's run through attempts at setting boundaries like a wrecking ball.
If you have no needs and no boundaries, you are a BPD magnet. Work on that.
Good answer
It seems you are mistaking bpd with narcissm.
@@martinafielding4277 nope, but what I said does also apply to NPD's.
@@martinafielding4277no
Have a reason for saying no, don't just do it to say no as a control thing, though, otherwise you weed out those protecting themselves from control freak abusers.
For reference 🤓
1 .Idealises you - puts you on a pedal stall
2 experience a frequency of sex you didn’t think existed in reality or withhold sex until your emotionally invested in her
3. Weird things start to happen
4. Open up about past trauma Rocky relationships
5. Quickly flip into a childlike state
6. After an emotional outburst it maybe hard your BPD partner to admit fault
7. Self harm threats of suicide
8. Creates Loyalty binds between you and your family friends and co-workers
9. You release you are losing yourself or have lost yourself
10. She Can not be satiated she is never satisfied no matter what you do. Same repetitive fights she’s not happy
I am very satisfied everyday with or without my boyfriend lol. My dog is all I need and I just play video games if not working. ppl are so judgmental to bpd it hurts. And I will forever treat my boyfriend like a God unlike this Dumbo in the video thinks. He's amazing and ever since I met him i get better and better each day cause I put the work in. Meditation. Zen books. Dbt skills. Reading. Going on walks when i feel angry. Teaching him the same things too. This is why I warn anyone before we even get close to hanging out I told him I had bpd. And guess what he handles it amazingly and I will treat him like a God always. 9 months counting and going to have a beautiful family. Ive never been thiz in love and everyday get better especially as he helps me on a DBT CHEAT SHEET (dialectal behavioral therapy) also to the lady on video i xont blame him for more insecurities lmao.if anything he helped meove myself. You sound so negative
Like I've never even met.someone with bpd who acts like this.. Listening to this woman talk is just hilarious cause this is like the worst possible case of bpd. Like I said I've came so far. It's possible. Wish people wouldn't put bpd people in a box
We are humans
And so many forget about the trauma a lot of us went through buts its up to the person with bpd to get help with this and I work out almost everyday even today my boyfriend hugged me and said he noticed how good i have been doing and he said "i'm proud of you" Like damn maybe if people we rent so mean and negative more people would be encouraged to go to therapy because it changed my life, along with my emotional support animals and psychology passions can't wait to get my masters than PhD because I'd love to write more positive things about people with bpd and maybe write a book how to help them cause sometimes I feel like a little kid who just needs a hug. I wouldn't wish this disorder on my worst enemy. It is hard to work at it. But fuck people who judge ppl with bpd so hard. Not all diagnosis are same. She is right and if fellow bpd is reading know ily and pls get dbt handbook possibly therapy it really saved me 🙏 luckily my bf researches and watches these with me to learn about bpd. And he still bang bang like a manic whenever i want to which keeps me a happy good girl :) I used to cheat on people in middle school n early high-school cuz I didn't understand bpd funny they were chesting on me too but if I knew more about it I think I def could have got better sooner. I never even went to therapy until I was 19 because for some reason my mom was like against it idk why. I never cheated on anyone after the Ge of 17 and i never wl again. I hated who i w a s as youngster. But like I said WE CAN work at it... bpd can be beautiful empathic people if they get help and heal..
Check one through ten. It's disrupted my concept of love.
10 out of 10, brother. I'm recovering. Just about!
10 out of 10. Wish I knew this was a thing. By the end I had figured out she was a Sociopath at least. Ruined me, my confidence... Dumped her and got away but she appeared when my Dad died and manipulated me again... That nearly did more damage than the relationship...
Shocking how every single thing is spot on with my ex girlfriend of 2 days she has npd as well and quit therapy and meds so basically anything would be a better alternative then living with her.
I dated a woman with BPD for a year. Everything this woman has said is spot on. It's almost scary.
omg yesss I'm dealing with this now and don't know how ti get out. I feel like I'm crazy and trapped
@@janetsullivan5597 My personal experience. I stood my ground, told her enough is enough and when she tried to cut me off and manipulate, I went off in a way to where she shut her mouth and got afraid because it was the only way for me to get my point across unfortunately. Not a way I wanted to handle it but she left me no choice. I went down the whole list of things that she had done over the time we dated from breaking my things to saying horrible things about my family, whom she never even met BTW, to belittling me when.i didn't do exactly what she wanted me to and than some. Than after I got done wouldn't you know this woman had the audacity to excuse and justify her behavior. So you know what I did? Left her, blocked her, and found another place to live. I havnt had to deal with her since. Hope this helps. Fuck how they feel because they don't give a shit about how you feel. They're just too far gone. Just leave and never look back.
2.5 years ... what a rollercoaster ride
@@arnolddibrescia glad you got free from it. I'm not saying they're bad people. They're just far gone and there's nothing you and I can do for them.
Yes, this happened to me 50 years ago, and she is dead on accurate.
Another red flag I've noticed- Early on, she will straight up tell you she's difficult to be in a relationship with.
Yes!
My ex told me - “I’m too selfish to be in a relationship. I don’t express my feelings well either!”
My dumb ass thought - ok at least she is candid
Woah - I was wrong for giving her 8 years of my life
Mine told me in the very beginning “You can’t handle me” and then another time after a few months “You don’t want to be with me I’m not good for you”
@@walkertranger5746 dam bro, time lost
@@walkertranger5746 I remember hearing a therapist online once saying "when they show you right off who they are believe them".
Another red flag.....when she talks about all the other men she was with and who wants her at the moment while she is dating you, almost indirectly comparing you to them so as if to threaten you that you are potentially disposable if you screw things up.
That's triangulation and it's a very powerful tool in their arsenal. It's designed to make you feel not good enough and to make you "try" harder to gain her attention. It tells you that you are disposable unless you do something. Big red flag!
Honestly narc females do that too I've seen it
Yeah that’s when I’d say to her to go have fun just leave the house key on the way out. Nobody needs that BS and she’d be doing me a favor by leaving.
Yes!
@@jessicagullo7004 Narc females do that because there is serious overlap between all of these PD’s.
It’s just scary how precise this description is.
I’m right now befuddled from a just finished relationship with a BPD girl. I didn’t even knew about this condition before when already was too late into the relationship.
It lasted exactly 9 weeks, and even the days and weeks descriptions you said here were exactly like mine. With the exception of sign #7, everything else was almost like you were describing her and us.
Thanks so much for your comment and support! I truly appreciate your contributions
9 weeks is not "too late", mate. I am in one for 10 years, getting married and all, failing to see the issue and that there will be NO changes for the better with age.
Stunning. What revelations, one after other. This is my ex-wife. From the regression to childlike behavior (literal voice change and grasping, clutching at me like an actual infant) to a frightening dissociative state (I am convinced that in one particular instance she believed I was her grandfather who molested her), the behaviors were textbook. I divorced her after her remorseless ongoing infidelity and a splitting of me into the one who was to blame. Yet part of me loves her deeply regardless and I yearn for the woman who is in there somewhere, sometimes. She recently expressed she wanted to come back to me and our family (she is still livi by with her affair partner), but I am scared to death of what she is capable of and could never trust her again not to destroy me.
10+ years experience with a borderline so far. Some of the things mentioned can happen organically if you are dating a young or less experienced partner for example, it might be cute initially and they will grow out of it. Borderlines never do! So heres a few more very strong symptoms that might be red flags either way:
11) Complicated childhood: either traumatic upbringing, absent father, bad divorce of parents, strict, pedantic parents, generally low social level of her family, quite often even beating, yelling or abuse, which they experienced as traumatic AND/OR rationalize as "normal".
12) Weird relationship with mother who will appear manipulative and/or hystrionic and overly sensitive herself. Typically BPD runs in the family, often for generations. They might be overly attached to one another or on the contrary totally ghost each other, either way its never a normal healthy relationship that provides emotional comfort, sense of independence and confidence. They might have violent fights and hang up on each other and then switch to endless corny assurances of mutual love, they will call each other 6 times a day and then ignore each other for 3 months, mother is demanding attention, fakes various emergencies and health issues, and so on.
13) She will often mention things like feeling hollow and empty, not seeing her place in the world, looking forward to being dead, or on the contary wishing to "become one with you" and seeking some weird mystical "connection" with you. She will be disappointed you dont see what she means.
14) Her practical life will be a mess. She will have accountability problems, issues to concentrate on important things and staying organized, she will often have overly big self-confidence and make big plans but then quits a few days later and everything crumbles as she cant get out of bed.
15) She will have problems with authority, often switch job after job and have fights at work place.
16) Infidelity. Almost always they will feel empty and unfulfilled no matter what you do and seek meaning and happiness elsewhere. It can happen at absolutle strange moments and places, she might cheat with your friend or at work a week before your marriage, because they cannot control their impulsivity.
17) Love bombing and idealization are just the start, but after a few years, inevitably you become THE source of huge frustration, humiliation, unhappiness and almost a sense of bullying in her own head. She will feel you are responsible for all the tantrums that SHE is stirring up. Sense of contempt and hate will always be present under the surface. You might feel you made huge sacrifices and survived endless surreal tantrums, but in her eyes YOU are the one who made her life horrible.
18) I hate you - dont leave me. She will let you know she is deeply unhappy with you and feels disrespected and tortured by you BUT wants to carry on in your relationship, although it makes no sense. She will almost never end it herself. If you calmly propose a break or an end to your relationship, she might get violent, threaten you or insult you ("YOU dont get to leave ME!") OR feel deeply sorry for herself, but never for the two of you or your own feelings.
19) Permanently managing the emotional distance between you. She might become very cold and distant all of a sudden but when you leave confused or are just fed up with it and go away, she calls you and bomb you with love and sweet words. And the other day she is cold again.
Great list, thank you for sharing this
That doesn’t mean that you have a right to act like a lunatic and mistreat everyone because you are ape-shit crazy. Perhaps if someone slapped the shit out of you when you got out of control, you would control yourself.
@candygirllikely So practically speaking, are you saying you didnt have traumatic childhood or upbringing and are from a completely emotionally healthy family, you never had feelings of emptiness or suicidal thoughts and you never experienced social trouble with accepting criticism, refusal or social hierarchies, dealing with other peoples emotions, taking things too personally and so on? Dont you think these are pretty much the defining characteristics of BPD?
As for generalizations, I feel you but without them you wouldnt have a discussion going anywhere. Another factor is that this particular channel is NOT for people with BPD to feel better, cope of work on themselves: on the contrary its for us living with them to recognize what is going on and not take things too personally - isnt that a good thing for you too? Or of course we can relativize everything and claim theres a never-ending spectrum, no rules apply and everyone is completely unique - in which case you will get far less patience, respect and empathy on our end, because who knows what BPD is, isnt that the case?
@candygirllikely She is warning everyone to just run (don't walk) away from any nutcase with BPD. It's not a reclamation project that you will complete and it will just destroy your well being.
Stop spreading confidentials of my ex, man..
Lise, I have seen enough of your videos on BPD to develop the opinion that you are one of the preeminent experts on the disorder. I was married to a BPD and it honestly is shocking to me how much you nail the disorder. From the initial phases of being put on a pedestal and blending her personality type to mine, to the sudden and completely heartless discard phase, you are nailing every step of our relationship. It hasn't been easy for me to learn in the aftermath of my divorce that who I thought was my soulmate and love of my life was actually a fake personality morphing into who she needed to be to hook me in. It almost feels like being catfished in real life. But it is the reality that I need to confront and deal with. Your expertise on this subject is truly amazing.
The hardest part is coming to an understanding that it was all a lie.
@@paulkern7229 I know brother...
All 1000% true. Was in that relationship from 21-24. Man…… I didn’t know it was such a draining experience until out of it. Even though she took good care of me.. I’m even more glad I’m out, hope her the best and she gets the help needed.
Draining. Ain't that the truth, draining!!!!
I understand she took care of me but it came with a price . Me , my opinion , my voice , my sanity, my energy ,my decision making . Beautiful woman had money great sex but the splitting , up/ down , blaming , no accountability . S.I.G.N = Shame you,Insult you,Guilt trip you ,Need to be right . Draining !!!
@@funkymonk542 one hell of one. Got out before I paid anything great.
And yes it’s the splitting. That’s the tipping point
Yup, just went through the same shit. The allotting is wild, nothing you can do to calm them down
Draining.
You complete me.
You deplete me.
You delete me.
Are those song lyrics?
But yes they’ll blame you for being drained and deleted since you’re less exciting than in the beginning
@@intpninja It's a riff on a line delivered in the movie, Jerry Maguire, "you complete me." At the time, I thought of it as how relationships are often times built on co-dependance, on a foundation of lack instead of abundance. The former relationships seem destine to be unsatisfactory, but perhaps not. People can grow, and there is no reason that they can't do it together so who knows?
Narcissists do this as well. Pretty hurtful.
You secrete me.
You replete me.
You complete me.
You deplete me.
You explete me.
You delete me.
You excrete me.
Nice one. True.
15 years of what you just explained. I felt paralyzed to leave. Thankfully she left me.
Time lost man. Gotta bounce sooner. I think I might be dating one currently but I'm not fully sure. She's showing some signs but she's kinda puts fronts too quickly cover them.
I was paralyzed to leave also. Kids and moral commitment. I put up with so much abuse I was a broken man. I knew she was trying to kill me slowly and it made her happy to destroy me. I'm lucky she ended the marriage and I woke up and saw the evil I was living with.
@@purge2--u--nite342 They can't hide it forever...Were your suspicions correct, how did it turn out?
@@hassanchop3622Same here. I am very grateful I escaped her with my life and freedom.
Same thing here mate! Just short of 15 years and she left me for some ice junkie who can't read and has 2 kids he can't look after ..my life has never been better
Before you read this: These events were happening in the mid 80s.
Nobody has ever heard of Borderline syndrome back then. I have been a naive early Twen believing, that love can heal at least a lot.
Stage one: Love bombing. Oh yes, a lot.
Stage two: she make me feel, like I'm the only one who can safe her.
Stage three: Asking about my past. She actually did that in a quite charming way. Of course, I told her about a former love, that left.
Stage four: Waiting for sex, until I "have proven myself worthy
(Note, and here is the exception: Sex was not special, in fact quite boring. Cowgirl only. For every time we had sex, she blamed me for sex as being part of a sexist behaviour.)
Stage five: Unexpected or low reason rage. Like in one case, where I did not sort pillows on her couch HER correct way.
For the first time, I heard her telling me, that she hates me, for being in love with me.
Stage six: Jealousy. Hell break loose. Accusing me trying to get my first girlfriend back. Trying to cut me off from friends.
Parties ended in disaster, as she closed herself in her herself, blocking every communication, and either giving me the feeling of having the duty to stay by her side, or betraying her when talking to friends. Either she blew up at one point end ended the party that way or just disappeared and went home without giving me a note.
Stage seven: Having fun in mocking me and hurting my feelings. She sometimes poked her fingers in my ears waiting for me to get angry, in order to "destroy" me with accuses of being a terrible ridiculous person. A full load of 80s feminists attacks against me, including castration fantasies.
Stage eight: Feeling sorry for her misbehaviour. She promised to get better and I'd be the only one, who could help her, when she is feeling and behaving terrible.
Following love bombing and a few happy days.
Pretty much repeating stage one to eight.
Stage nine: cheating. While she was super jealous, she met ex guy, that were suppose to be terrible ex guys, but they weren't. Quite often she started flirting with them, trying to make me jealous.
No way to win here. Hiding my jealousy from her meant, I didn't care for her enough, admitting my jealousy went into another rage. Accusing me of toxic male behaviour by trying to poccess her.
Her physical attacks followed, spending nights at other guys places, cup crashed into walls next to my head.
Stage eight repeated.
Stage ten: This stage is actually my stage, for it is me, who found myself in an off-on relationship and feeling quite numb.
Cool a party this weekend?
Should I really tell her?
Seems, I became that A-hole, she told me to be. Self fulfilling prophecy, really.
I couldn't be with her, couldn't be without her.
Top of all that, her mother, she lived with, hasn't been any better. She accused me of abusing her daughter. Listening at the door. As soon she believed, that we had sex, she hammered at the door, or pretended to commit suicide.
Funny event:
My girlfriend at that time once whispered to me:
"Shhh, she (her mother) is listening at the door"
Her Mother immediately yelled through the door:
"I'M NOT LISTENING !!!!"
So, I didn't have to deal with her only, but also with her mother.
As she called my sister a Wh*re for all my family, I was done.
I actually have to thank her for that, because this one sentence broke that spell.
It was like a tower has been crushing down. I left, felt relieved and never saw her again.
For the about following 5 years, I dreamt every night of seeing her, and getting back together with her and regretting it.
Until today I have nightmares about that at least twice a year.
One day, I felt bad all day and it took me a full day to realise, that my "getting back together", has been nothing but a night mare.
Being with a BPD has been 4 years in hell.
If you meet a BPD, run. No love can help. Believe me, you cannot help her, and she is a master of manipulation, easily flipping your inner self against you.
Ooops, that has been longer, than expected.
Been there,lived that..she accused me that im a narcist. I lied her that im on therapy after we met and made sex.i told her that she BPD,she accused me that im toxic and try to make her self esteem lower and blocked me all the way.She told me that she love me so much and then sometimes how much she hate me.I just lived everything that you explained.I turned to crazy and slammed her twice,she was at police at the end..after 1 month we slept..Do you think 100% has she Bpd?
It is amazing
I'M NOT LISTENING !!!!! 🗣️ 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️ 🗣️
Back to the age regression thing, you actually can bring her down from the emotional tantrum. You can’t explain to her that she’s perceiving the situation wrong, because that feels like gaslighting to her and will just piss her off. You have to be calm and talk to her like a hurt little girl and play the daddy role. Just listen, ask questions and try to understand where she’s coming from, even if that means stripping the blame from her momentarily. Of course, this will drain you in time, so if she’s not in therapy, you won’t be capable of remaining stoic and calm for long, she will wreck your self worth and make you depressed. So be careful.
Wouldn't have worked on my crazy ex. There was no way to calm her down, except time passing by. Every way led to unavoidable escalation. She once devastated my apartment, after I made her a sandwich and a hot tea, in order to calm her down.
"Are you fogging kidding me? Do you really think, you can get out of this with a cheap sandwich?!"
Very accurate in my experience.
I'm a healthcare administrator and as someone who is now formally separated from my spouse this is a very accurate assessment of the situation of a caregiver for someone with a cluster B personality disorder. We were together 12 years and that was precisely how I would endure the abuse and ride out her tirades, by being the 'strong fatherly presence' and remaining calm and composed. For those in a similar situation, please take heed of this. I had the empirical background and willpower to be my spouse's caregiver, and now that I've finally gone no-contact I am recognizing how traumatic the entire marriage was for me. It may feel like love, but it's dominance and control, and no one deserves to be treated that way for any reason. Take care of yourself as best you can. 😢
Very accurate. Tried it, and it worked. And by that working, it reassured me that it was BPD. Burned me out over time though, and when it started affecting my health I had to flee, despite trauma bonds holding me back.
@@MJPowers-xk4dw Glad you got out.
I was married at 21 and had no idea what I'd gotten into. Almost every one of the traits you´ve mentioned here I had to deal with, I knew she had problems but thought I would be able to help her with them, no chance. My marriage to her lasted only 4 years, the "emotional roller coaster" affected my own mental health, luckily I got out but even during the separation she would appear at my work place, also found out were I was living, I had to move several times, at least we had no kids for them to have to go through it all. I'm now 65 y/o, although it was a very dark period in my life it taught me a lot about myself & others, we live and learn.
@CANADIAN UKRANIAN been here after surviving a poisoning and had my elder son tell me he had sexuality abused we run away and started a new life
Describing my story as well. Scary these folks are running around. I have a “doctorate” in narcissists and borderline by marrying and relapsing.
Sadly most people only learn about BPD and personality disorders through ongoing bad experience and not beforehand.
u r the problem if u attract these people tho @@Den-pf5wz
Mourning the connection that was felt has been the hardest part. Never felt anything even close to it and the loss of it was like a part of me being ripped apart.
💯 no joke, feeling like the universe brought her into existence just for me and then took her away when I couldn't meet impossible and ever-changing but also somehow extremely rigid standards
There was no connection.
Most likely lust.
It's okay. Allow yourself to feel that hurt and mourn that time.
But remember to care for yourself and work on your shit too.
With time, there will be other people in your life, and even more importantly, you'll learn to forge and maintain connections like that consciously. Not just with lovers, but friends, family, and even with yourself!
All you have to do is keep learning, keep working, and doing your best not to fall into despair.
I suspect BPD women are the inspiration for the saying, "The only thing better than crazy sex with a hot woman is hot sex with a crazy woman."
For the love of god this is unbelieveble you just described my girlfriend in a way I did not know was possible. I don't know what to do. Thank you.
Leave her. Learn from the wisdom of all those others that came before you that she made you promise you would be different from. Leave now. There’s a reason they all left.
@@Hun_UinaqWell you can also suggest him to be patient and help her get therapy ? If we leave all BPD individuals alone then all of them will become suicidal and hopeless ? I mean they don’t do it intentionally, it’s how their brains are, they are also humans who crave companions.
My reaction exactly, my friend. I hope things are better for you now.
@@Anam-meow I think you are right, but its very difficult to get people with BPD into therapy and it has to be the right kind of therapy. I'm astounded how many therapists ( I live in Paris ) do not recognise the signs of BPD, as there are so many beyond the DSM 9 traits.
People with BPD are deeply in distress in my experience and yes do need help, but their childlike traits make it hard for them to really take responsibility for their actions and their own recovery. I think that BPD sufferers that are fully across the spectrum, or close to are the most to be in denial, making it difficult to heal in any meaningful way, even with conventional therapy sadly. They also are likely to have the full spectrum of positive traits, making it all the more painful for themselves and those in relationships with them.
@@philipmillard3178 I absolutely agree with you but the problem is lots of these therapists worldwide are not treating BPD individuals well. In my case, I am not treated well even though I really wish to recover with the right treatment. Rather than relying on different therapists, it would be better for doctors and scientists to introduce some drug that can help with the regulation of emotions inside our brains. Relationship aside, we struggle on a daily basis with self identity, self worth, self esteem, family relationships and work life. Life is just too hard and painful for us. And seeing that there’s no cure, that just makes it even harder.
SO accurate. I wished I’d known all of this before I met my last girlfriend. And it’s true, there seemed to be such a deep connection there that I have really missed her. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m better off without the stress she invoked. Dating someone with BPD is traumatising! What I want above all else is for her to recognise that she has this and get help. Unfortunately she refused to accept it, even though she desperately wants to understand why she behaves and feels this way. It’s heartbreaking in SO many ways!
Yeah, the impotence to deal with it is debilitating. I can understand how someone who mostly hurts OTHERS by his pathological traits or disorders fails to see their issues and/or doesnt seek therapy and help. But people with BPD suffer themselves, are mostly unable to function socially, often times have trouble at work - it would seem that some attempt should be made to do something with it, but typically they rather stay on the rollercoaster.
tysm for saying focus on behaviour and not diagnosis. I have been in treatment for BPD for 7 years. I have put SO much work in, even my therapist has said Ive become much more mildly presenting. Sometimes reading the comments on these hurts because we just want to be loved and we're exhausted with ourselves too. I cannot be "cured" but can have a remission of behaviours and its EXHAUSTING as the internal experience remains. Not bad people just dysregulated and it IS TREATABLE.
I Agree with you and glad you are getting treatment to help.
@@teefrankenstein4340 Thank you! As an update Im now in a healthy God centered relationship with my partner 😊
Praise Jesus for remission and sobriety I no longer meet criteria! 🙌 Through Him all things are possible!!!
God bless 😇
Same. I’ve been in treatment for almost 6 years and getting the diagnosis was mind blowing. They finally figured out what was wrong with me. I have worked so hard, exhaustively, to go into remission and I’m basically there. Still, this video made me cry and feel hopeless. Am I a fraud for trying to pretend that I’m sane? Will I ever fully be functional in a relationship? Am I a bad person for being in one, knowing that I have this? And, heartbreakingly, it’s not my fault that I have it. I was born this way. My thinking is 99% more rational and I can distinguish between myself and the BPD demon. No more anger/rage. No more manipulation. No more suffering. No more codependency. But… am I only fooling myself?
@@kristen_rose Just try to be the best version of yourself that you can be and be upfront and honest when getting in relationships.
I am so sorry and this breaks my heart to hear and understand the reality of this. I’m in a relationship with someone who I highly believe to be suffering from this. 8 years.. in her moments of clarity she can be so genuine and sincere. Then the next minute it’s like a completely different person emerges. She knows that u know here and have been trying to work with this. It pushes me away hard! Some of the deep and dark places she goes with me is crazy to witness and then the flip in the opposite direction around her friends and coworkers. It truly feels like the twilight zone and I struggle to tell myself that she even loves me even though she swears that she does. I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind and my love for her. It’s like the person I fell in love with truly doesn’t exist even tough I can see her right in front of me. I feel like a sad individual taking this from her just because I love her and don’t want to give up on her but feeling like she would turn her back on me in a instant because she has
Oh my god... I have watched hundred of videos about affairs, narcissist partner etc to try to figure out what happened to me with my wife.
Your whole video is SPOT ON. Every single point you talk about happened to me, the great sex, how fast the relationship went, the common interests, the conversation about her childhood abuse and violent past relationship happening after just a couple of months together, the vulnerability and the way she admired me and praised me to everyone, then the great communication skills with fancy words turning to a 5 year old being insanely mad at me for something she insignificant, the gaslighting, the flow of shame and guilt all the time, the suicidal attempt after I found out she cheated and the promise she will get help but do nothing in the end, and actually blame me for not fighting for her and being the cause of the way she feels and draining me emotionally. I wish I found that video a year ago... I feel like you just read my life without knowing my mariage's story
Yeah she DEFINITELY is a BPD. Go watch the Johnny Depp/Amber Turd trial from 2022. Her behavior was nearly identical too (she’s a diagnosed BPD). Warning it will probably trigger you!)
Same, same, same! Same narrative with my ex-wife. Incredible. Ten years divorced and I still struggle with PTSD from the experience.
This was like hearing someone I had never met summing up my now 17 year and counting experience. I mean, shockingly accurate. I don't think our marriage counselor understands what is going on either. I just feel broken and stuck. So grateful to have found these videos
Hang in there and know others of us have had similar experiences, for what it's worth. Part of the madness of it all is the disbelief that others are falling for the craziness... the so-called "therapists" and care-givers are siding with her. It's crazy-making to witness believe her lies. The extent of her attempts to brainwash everyone in my life and believe her victim stories was beyond anything imaginable. I recall the garbage man in our city even was under her spell believing her incessant victim lies... wild. Hang in there and navigate out. Be well.
There are no words to describe how strong you must be if you survived 17 years of this. I managed one year and came out of it feeling like a shell of the man I used to be
12 year victim. I only blame myself at this point. I wanted to get a divorce after 2 years but she'd just give me sex to satiate me. Worst decision of my life. Still married and hate it but I refuse to leave my kids with her.
Slip out the back, Jack.
@@PetterssonRobin My dad survived 27 years, then he couldn't take it and divorced my mom and remarried another woman with borderline for 5 more years. Poor dad.
My ex is a mental health professional and described herself to me as extremely ADHD, which may be true, but only after the divorce did I start putting the pieces together about BPD. She fits all of these, and she's astute enough that I'm pretty sure she knew. My experience was that the fights got more intense. She very much wanted to trigger me into doing something horrible so she could use it against me later. She formed a relationship with my mom to try to mine details to use against me (which backfired for her because my mom only really understands me superficially, so I would laugh when she would try to hurt me using that stuff). With her, coming back from these more intense fights was a law of diminishing returns. The makeups got less and less intense, less and less worth it. I finally got tired of her misconstruing stupid little things out of my life to claim I was cheating so she could break up with me. I found out that she was using these imagined slights and insults (once she literally broke up with me because I wore a shirt with a cartoon hot dog on it because she said it insulted her vegan lifestyle) to have affairs with various men she met online. I was raising her kids as my own, and when I found out what she had been doing, she cut me out of their lives, regardless of the impact on them. This is a woman who works with children. It is a pain I feel daily, and I fear whatever insane stories she made up about me to tell the children to rationalize this. She did the same thing with her first husband to alienate him from his own kids, told me all kinds of horror stories, and at this point, I feel like contacting him to see what he was actually doing at the time. I suspect the picture she painted of him would be quite a surprise to him.
man , contact her ex , ive talked with my sisters ex and it was the most helpful thing to overcome this horror.
Edit > also be careful and talk just once or two , keep in mind if being a family member or friend it belongs to their life and family circle so similar or other patologys are present in this person too. Just extract specific information.
I was thinking the same thing. Contacting my ex’s ex and having a beer with him. I don’t think he’s the person that she painted.
I’m really going to miss my ex’s kids. I hope they grow up relatively well adjusted.
@@jessoftherocks my ex studied a bit of psychology , and all the time was watching psychology videos , she works in a big company and manages a lot of people , she is a master manipulator, it seems all that she learns about psychology its used only to control and abuse people even better.
You sure you weren't married to my wife? Same story. And millions like us
Mczmczmvz
Oh my God THANK YOU! This was important information for me.
I was listening and expecting you to describe my ex girlfriend who was a covert narcissist.
Instead you perfectly described my Ex Fiancee perfectly. I have never felt love that intense. Every word you said. Even the wanting" more" was scary when you said it.
The love of my life. Had me completely, mind body and soul.
I understood her mental cycle.
I didn't know it had a name...
I didn't know it was responsible for the intense love she showed me...
...I did know it was why she kept sleeping around.
...Now I know I'm truly free of all the strings.
The heart mended months ago. The soul put itself back together with new pieces.
The mind still needed a reason why.
It had its answer now.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. You truly have no idea how grateful i am.
Wow.. I just dodged a bullet. I thought she was the one within the first few days from the way that she was with me. You just cleared all the questions I’ve had thank you so very much - I really needed this closure.
Good afternoon, Lise. Just discovered your channel and really appreciate your no-nonsense, no fluff approach. You are very direct and do not sugarcoat, which is very refreshing. Thank you for all that you do and I wish you many blessings.
Wow! Excellent! One of the best BPD videos I’ve ever listened to.
True story about my ex whom I believe may have BPD.... it was 4 weeks into our 'whirl wind' romance. I was sitting at my kitchen desk doing some work and ex was cooking us dinner. She had just started cooking the meat which smelled rotten. We were in Mexico and I wasn't going to trust meat that smelled off and potentially make us ill. I mentioned the smell to her and asked her opinion. She SLAMMED the frying pan and started going off about how I was being rude to her. I couldn't believe how she misinterpreted my concerns and how she quickly exploded. That was my first twilight zone experience with her. No matter how calmly I tried to explain to her that I wasn't disrespecting her cooking, she was convinced I was saying she's a bad cook. After another 3 blow outs over roughly 10 days I sent her packing. Within days she was bangin' some other dude. What really sucked for me is the trauma bond had been set. It took me 10 agonizing months to finally break the bond and feel good again on my own. Ice cold showers did the trick.
How did ice cold showers help
@@davidvalens3337 from my basic understanding of emotional bonds (the glue that keeps you coupled) - there was enough positive reinforcement in the relationship for my brain to get hooked on her - even though she had other terrible sides to her personality. Being with her released dopamine, oxytocin and other feel good stuff. After I broke up with her? I felt depressed, anxious etc. constantly thinking about her. Cold showers are a way to hack that need - get those feel good chemicals you were once getting out of a relationship. Just 30 seconds of ice cold water immersion of 15 degrees Celsius or lower will increase levels of dopamine by as much as 250% & Norepinephrine by as much as 500%. There are other chemicals released but those 2 are the big ones. I missed that woman for 10 months straight, it was awful... but after that first cold shower, I finally felt good again because I got the feel good chemicals I needed. It's given me huge confidence knowing I'll be 100% okay if I need to walk away from someone else in the future.
@@bobjames6622 Thats a shallow take. He missed all around the sex too, the attention from a female, the banter the touches smiles.
@@outlander234 people stereotype like it’s BPD women giving you kinky sex that attracts men. Yea it’s part of it but the reason it’s so attractive is as a man you feel like this woman actually wants to please you and make you happy versus it just being a chore or something expected of her. For me it was feeling sucked in by the “crazy eyes” during and after sex that I didn’t recognize at the time. Your happy because she is happy. Unfortunately it is just short term bliss.
I had several experineces like this where, on a dime, I was accused of being rude, I said something about her hair, then rage and accuisations....at first it was like whatever then it got scary bc I didn't know if anything was ok to say....
My ex has BPD and the narcissistic traits that you described in other videos. You absolutely nailed it! The sex bombing, the devaluing, belittling, nothing is ever good enough, then she uses her body to try to win me back, and thr same cycle happens over and over and over again.
If you're onto her, tell her you're going to go celibate for a year. See how she responds. Just as an experiment
100% accurate. I just escaped a 1 month relationship with borderline. First 2 weeks were great, the second two where the craziest thing I've ever experienced
We are in the same boat but mine was 3 months
8 months, first three were heavenly, last 5 were hell, you had to have lived it to believe it. The degrading was not something I thought possible. She was possessed by something not right.
@@Injusticestinks so hard, 5 months is a long time to have gone through that. Mine has been harassing me online relentlessly, so much so my immune system was struggling and I was getting sick. She's been making up rumors about me and threatening to tell people these lies in ever desperate attempts to get me to reply to her emails. I hope you have peace and healing now
@@Injusticestinks how was it and what games did you play on you?
3 month relationship for me, been over for 4 months since discard and I am still depressed and lost, wondering what happened.
This video was like a play book
I was with a girl who was low key most of these. The relationship was emotionally intense and I ended it because I couldnt see myself living like that for the rest of my life, I knew I could never make her happy and it made me quite sad inside. But I will say the rollercoaster meant I was also more emotionally drawn in than in the other relationships I have had. Her neediness was both positive and negative.
You sound like my ex lmao I’m sorry you had to do that.
yeah I’m sure like me, she felt abandoned and put blame on you or you felt she did. I hope you know it’s not true and you did the right thing. There’s nothing you can do for us until we are ready to really look at ourselves in the mirror and acknowledge why we do the things we do and that we have coping mechanisms that negatively impact inter personal relationships.pretty much taking responsibility.
Many have a ‘victim mentality’ I did and mix that with black and white thinking. When we try to redistribute blame we tend to either put it all on one party or ourselves. Instead of seeing the role both parties play.
@@Gnothiseauton777 Same! I am a low key BPD I think... I dont meet all 10, maybe 7/10.
Don't immediately jump to conclusions and label yourself BLD or NPD. Possibly you have been with men who have made you feel broken and shifted blame on you, when they were the ones with NPD.
@@Nicana68 possibly. but why do i like so much love bombing? the attention? the hoovering? It could be CPTSD too. Thank you so much for your kind words!
@@thainamoura9833 hey, you'll be ok. Feeling needy and insecure doesn't mean you have BPD and having low self esteem is not a personality disorder. It is however a huge attractant to users and narcissistic abusers who will readily provoke the kind of behaviour they can label as 'crazy BPD'.
I dated someone who expressed she had never made it beyond the six-month mark in a relationship since her divorce 8 years prior. She even made it a point that we will be forever together if we can make it to six months. I ended up breaking up with her at six months exactly as I couldn't take the emotional abuse any longer.
I have bpd. I know now because of these videos and realise. For me I lived in a world where your relationship was unrealistic, like a romance, wuthering heights, not in reality. I needed to be saved and no one else live in our story. I have been with my husband since I was 14, married 36 years, no exes. He has avoidance personality disorder. So we're well matched really. I live in our own world and can become very anxious dealing with strangers. But I'm aware of it so when these issues come up I tell myself I'm being unrealistic. Hope it helps from my point of view.
Thank you for typing this. Bpd has such a bad rep, it’s really nice to read comments from people like you who are such great examples of bpd people not always being toxic or bad or unhealthy. Thank you.
Just listened to this and god it resonates with me so badly this is me where the heck do I go from here?
In addition to your 10, this is what I went through in my 4.5 year rollercoaster!!!
The person you fell in love with doesn't exist.
Invalidates your feelings, doesn't listen to your thoughts or feelings, will make fun of your feelings.
Her feelings are more important than anyone else's.
Conversations that end up down rabbit holes.
Tells you to leave her alone when she's feeling overwhelmed, then gets angry when you don't give her attention when she is overwhelmed, Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I hate you, don't leave me!
Projecting her lies and insecurities onto you and blames you for having feelings that you don't have.
False accusations and extreme storytelling. Dystopian narrative.
Lack of Object Constancy.
Spiteful and nasty words.
If you tell her she hurt your feelings or that you're lonely or need some attention, then it's 'your' problem, not hers.
Stonewalling / shutting down.
Fine one minute, then, out of nowhere, a childish teenage tantrum that will last for three days.
Contrarian/ confrontational / spiky.
Unable to resolve arguments.
Right-fighting, unable to lose an argument as it brings shame. Shame makes them feel not good enough.
Hyper sensitive. If you want to bring up an issue, it will be taken as a criticism on their personality, character, bad girlfriend, bad mother.
Everything is black or white, unable to see any nuance or grey.
She refuses to give you emotional support, comfort you, nurture you.
Demands constant validation from her friends and strangers / social media.
Creating problems out of nothing.
Extreme hypocrisy.
Unable to be honest and open. Unable to communicate their feelings.
Non communicated expectations. If those expectations aren't met, then she will eventually ghost you and create conflict.
Threats of breaking up with you.
Gaslighting.
Jeopardising and self sabotaging the relationship, and blaming you're doing it!
Tells you you're not needed, you're pointless, she can do everything herself, but then she demands emotional commitment/marriage/financial commitment.
Infidelity / cheating and then questions your infidelity(!) Sex is validation, and was abused as a child.
Will get angry during sex if you do the wrong thing and sabotage lovemaking with her extreme emotional outbreaks.
Unable to communicate her wants and needs.
Refuses to meet your wants and needs, that you communicated to her.
Makes fun of your wants and needs and questions and ridicules them.
Selfishness, individualism, hyper-independence.
Unappreciative of all the things you have done and still do.
Cannot take any accountability or apologise.
Everything is about her. Her satisfaction, her pleasure, her needs.
Every relationship break up (partners or family) was everyone else's fault. She was the victim.
She is always the victim.
Lacks any emotional permanence.
Denies the truth even if it's staring at her in her face.
Will speak badly about you behind your back to all her friends and make up false stories.
They avoid the past because that would mean self reflection.
Repeated break ups, push/pull, you leave and you end up in a 10 day email/phone/whatsapp spat. During that time they will go off and have sex with their hidden supply, then they will hoover you back. You return, tail between your legs because they made it all your fault. She tells you how much she loves you, but that she’s lowering her expectations by having you back, you try harder this time round….and the cycle continues…
It’s evil. It’s toxic. It’s cruel and nasty. It’s unhealthy. I barely recognised myself after the final discard.
Damn, I (sadly) can relate to witnessing most of these attitudes in my ex💀
10+ years with a borderline, a very accurate list. To be honest, many of these points are common to a degree - almost everyone is a little selfish and demanding emotionally or is a hypocrite and doesnt see his faults. With BPD, it is the sheer frequency and consistency that makes it clear this person really isnt percieving reality the way we do. Many less experienced partners take their words seriously, argue wirh them and fight with them over something that is so over the top, at which point you still blame yourself and think that perhaps they are really hurt and just kind, sensitive souls - because thats what any sensible person would feel, right? But with time, you will learn that you dont really need to say ANYTHING, participate or even be present and she will still become absolutely aggressive and disregulated, its ALL HER. At that point you are dealing with pathology, and their attempts to make you responsible (“You just need to be nice to me!”) remind you of a husband who brutally beats his wife and then demands appology saying “look what you made me do!”. I trully feel if absolute majority of borderlines were not young women, these would be people who would involve in heavy physical abuse and violence.
You just described my "wife" who I am still living with,finances and affordable housing, everything you said is accurate
Can you tell like if the partner with BPD breaks up with you they will always comeback?
@@luismoreira9082 If your question is how to win back a person with BPD, you must understand that they simply arent rational in the long run and cannot see you as a personality in all your depth and width, they cant recall what you did for them, all the fun time you had and how many years you spent together - they ONLY see you here and now, as the person that failed them or hurt them a few days ago and is therefore the worst person they know.
They typically dont break up with you in a rational, calculated manner - more often they are afraid of abandonment to a degree that they would dump you first simply stay in control. If it isnt an impulsive decision, they typically find a new partner before ending your relationship to avoid the feel od abandonment and void.
Coming back is very frequent, again, because there isnt deep rational thinking behind it, a tantrum wears off and in a few days time, they might act like nothing happened and dont understand why you are so upset, they might even promise things will change. It will flatter them that you are interested because they love to be appreciated and valued.
I walked through fields of red flags covered in thorns, not understanding what BPD actually was… I didn’t come to my senses for years until after I finally left after being pushed and ended up at the bottom at a flight of stairs.
You just described my first marriage; within a week I was living with her. Soon afterwards it was difficult for me to visit my family. It took a while to see how she manipulated me into isolation from family and friends. When I finally rebelled and began to assert some independence and self-determination she went nuts, and she soon found another victim to manipulate. Unfortunately for her he took her for a ride, they married, moved to Florida, and he spent them both of them into debt serious debt. Run away if you feel your spidey senses tingling, they are there for a reason.
I spent a year in this, our relationship progressed 100% identical to this starting with the intense love right off of the bat. She could flip and the outbursts could seem manic at times. Everything you described was exactly what happened to me. I’m a recovering alcoholic and completely relapsed during this relationship. The relapse was due to the fact that I quit going to my AA meetings and didn’t keep in touch with my friends in recovery it was always an argument when I did. I wish I had seen this earlier. Thank you and I am back in recovery
Lise, I somehow stumbled into this vid and simply SHOCKED how on point this was and I LIVED all 10 of those flags and it nearly killed me! She approached me when we met, she was aggressive and also super attractive. I found it odd from the get go but it took a couple months before I started to see that things seemed wrong. She is talking marriage, she secretly went through my phone trying to learn about any contacts I had, stalked me on SM to the point I changed settings so no one could see when I was no, etc. Her biggest glitches came out when she drank. Her mouth would say hurtful things, she would dance like a stripper, then act all "proper" when sober. We went 3.5yrs (I am an idiot), we were at a family holiday thing at per parents, her mouth started going, and I just wanted to get away from her. I retreated to my own home for 2 weeks while still talking to her, she found another guy, had sex immediately, knocked up in 30 days, etc. I really feel sorry for the dude but not really! LOL He totally screwed.
oh man did you dodge a rain of bullets. other dude sooo totally screwed... poor dude
I lived the almost the same experience than you. Was in a relationship of 2 or 3 years, it was during the covid period. So just after they ended the quarantine where i live i had to drop her from my parents home to her student accommodation because she had to go to university for her classes. I dropped her on sunday. On monday afternoon i receive a message from her telling me she cheated on me with a guy from her class. I could'nt believe it, so i met her in person then asked her if it was true, she said yes, so i told her "ok, we are done", then a few months she was pregnant from the same guy because she had sex with him some more times, even though she didnt like him, because she was afraid of staying alone.
Now i am having a really hard time trusting any woman, and i was already very picky.
That is horrid, hilarious and of course too familiar. Its the "hate you, dont leave me!", the total lack of morals in some sense and of course the typical promised deep and eternal love that suddenly stops and in a week she moves in with her boss and looks at you with cold, lizard eyes, not understanding what you even complain about.
Wow, you just described me and my ex wife's relationship really well. She was honest and told me she had BPD like 2 weeks into our relationship, but I didn't know anything about it at the time. She displayed every red flag that you mentioned. The relationship was an out of control roller coaster with extreme highs and lows. Eventually after being married for about 6 months she tried to fight me (verbally not physically) about something super petty and she was going off the rails about it and I was completely fed up with her behavior and divorced her. I loved her greatly but people like her are far too mentally ill to be getting into relationships because it will never work for them and it will only hurt the other person as well as themselves.
Next time a partner lets you know they have a mental illness. Look into it and learn about it if you want to try to understand them better. Or walk away.
Tantrums over petty things can be ignored if you are commited enough, but wait until she will use the same level of aggression, violence and the pure egotrip on something serious that really matters in life…
@@Megdracula the trouble is that vast majority of sources vastly underestimate what BPD really means, they describe it from POV of the person suffering from it but mostly reduce it to “mood swing”. But you will be shocked what it really is for the partner or children.
" I loved her greatly" - they mirror you. You fell in love with your self.
All true! I dated a bpd for less than a year... what a roller coaster ride. These 10 tips hit the nail on the head!
Losing yourself is the big one. It’s impossible to see in real time. You’ll THINK you’re managing it. You won’t realize how far you’ve fallen until after the discard.
I remember saying "I don't even like myself anymore" that was when I knew shit had to change
For me I was the one who ended it. I felt bad for years until I watched a video about BPD on another channel and realised why I felt like that. Yet here I am many years later watching another video. Which tells me her impact on me must still be there. She is married now. She actually called me out of the blue recently and needed advice about her husbands job as he was getting fired.
Yeah I lost myself and destroyed the relationship for the sake of my peace. It's been a month now and although I kept blaming myself for exploding and ending it watching countless videos making me think I'm a dark empath, which didn't make sense to me as I do have affective empathy. I then came across bpd, and every point has been dead on accurate on this video its scary
I agree. That's where I'm at now. I lost myself so bad, I struggle to do the normal things I've done before her. I feel lost and depressed because I dedicated all my time to her and her son's wants and needs
@@clintonnagy1662 Welcome to the club brother. It’s a hard lesson, but you will become stronger & wiser from it. Invest in yourself, and never put yourself in that position again. 👍
"Slow things down" "take a step back". I asked for one night a week by myself. It quickly started a spiral that led to our breakup.
Consider yourself lucky that you got out!
This should be the advice fathers give to their sons 1st thing when they start noticing girls and start thinking about dating them
You are the GOAT. I have talked with a few therapists who claim to “specialize” in relationship issues, and I’m sure they know a lot more than what was discussed in my appointments with, but whenever I talk about my past or at the time current relationships with a few women who either had BPD or at least very, very strong traits if not formally diagnosed, my therapists would not listen to my history of being in these kinds of relationships and just end those conversations quickly with “you need to just leave that relationship.” Even though the solution they proposed was right, it made it harder for me to trust other advices they would give me when I didn’t feel like my stories/history were being fully heard or understood. It’s important for me to feel confident that my therapist understands my full story to help me believe in their treatment plans.
What helped me after listening to this video was that I began to reflect on the type of women I formed relationships with and how much of a higher stock I need to place confidence in not only myself, but also the women I form relationships with.
I began watching SO MANY VIDEOS about BPD after having gone through multiple different relationships where however many of my exes either for sure had or might have had BPD, and this video brought fresh insight into these kinds of relationships. Based on my multiple experiences of having formed relationships with women with BPD, I feel like this issue is bigger and more common than what most people think it is, but society shames the men who need to talk about being in these circumstances in seeking help. I think this is so for multiple reasons: 1. There’s a pandemic of however many men who overly and irrationally describe women being crazy and the men who do this disempower the other men who need help in the relationships they form with BPD individuals. It’s very difficult getting thorough advice on these types of relationships because these relationship stories are not listened to or given much credit.
Lise Leblanc is one of the GOATs out there in the UA-cam mental health world giving me hope and validation of my experiences.
Best video ever on this topic. I was involved 5 times with the same person (BPD) for almost 14 years. Moodswings are extreme. Again, good video
I lived this for 10 years hoping things would get better. Thanks for sharing correct terminology to the emotions received during this time.
Yeah, experienced this in my last two relationships. Great summary. Thank you for verifying my experience as something unhealthy and toxic...definitely hope to find a healthy relationship next time round.
If you're having a "neither with or without you" kind of relationship with a person who has BPD, check to make sure you do not in fact have NPD. I think those two find each other. BPD's are experts at providing narcissistic supply to NPD's.
This.. Oh, such a small number of ppl would even admit that maybe both of us are the problem.. Or have problems that have nothing with our SO..
Edit:Not sure if express myself good but I get what you mean!
😂🙋🏼♀️🍀🇨🇭
Professor Sam Vaknin is the most amazing expert on all this. I found him online by accident and he explains these 2 conditions so well, he's the best expert I've ever heard. He says codependency is a combination of narcissism and borderline personalities (as in 2 in a relationship of any kind) which fits with what you just said. He says narcissism is the result of parental(caregiver) neglect and being ignored which is their driver too be seen and heard. BPD is a result of parental physical and emotional abuse (sexual abuse would be another) which is the driver of the internal adoption of self beliefs given by the parent to become tge child's own identification. Eg: your useless, stupid, lazy,ugly etc. Which of course makes them over sensitive, insecure, needy etc. Both narcissism and BPD are relational disorders, they need others to be quantified. I listened to an interview he did on this a few days ago with another amazing specialist in this field. Well worth looking him up.
True… I had bpd tendencies and I am always attracted to npds… both romantically and with friendships. The great thing is….now I know.
BPDs are the most narcissistic weirdos. I had to call 911 on mine. He wants to drain me financially, not work, tear up my home, terrorize me nightly. All I do is take care of him. I want him to grow up. I don’t know how anyone who loves themselves can put up with this. I doubt someone who’s narcissistic is dumb enough to date a BPD
yup
Thank you for amazing insight. I now see how my past codependency opened the door to BPD relationships.
I dated someone with BPD for 5 years. It was a very dependent relationship on her end, and I took care of her constantly. There was some appeal to it though. However, in between those states, there was a lot of abuse, a lot of push and pull, and often me walking on eggshells. If I didn't watch out, I would hurt their feelings or cause them to have a depressive reaction. the girl I was with was somewhat suicidal, so towards the end of the relationship everything became so toxic. If I didn't take care of her tantrum and argument(which they initiated most of the time) and I didn't stay up all night fixing the problem they created in her head, then she would get upset because I went to sleep instead of being sleep deprived with her the next day. She would threaten suicide too if I just let it go and she hasn't yet. Eventually it got so intense that I had to leave. She begged for her life basically for me to stay, and after rejecting it for a while, she started berating me about it. Haven't been in a real relationship since.
Good luck in the future my man. For us who have experienced this, being single is a really good solution.
Classic story. Was she diagnosed? My wife of 10 years threatened and attempted suicide multiple times. It helped when I refused to be blackmailed by the situation and called an ambulance when she did. It seemed some of these attempts were mostly for show - it shocked me when I visited her in a psychiatric ward afterwards and she told me she was horrified to learn that all the pills she swallowed could have destroyed her stomach - not a thing someone serious about ending their life really contemplates.
@@f4ust85 That’s a good question, I don’t remember if she was diagnosed or not. But yeah, all the signs were there. I didn’t wanna let her go because aside from the all toxicity, we had good moments and I adored her.
Agreed. If suicide was a real option for her, there would be no prolonged threat, she would just do it.
Were her suicide threats over tiny easily fixable issues or situations?
@@Duzykutas I appreciate it! Yes, being a single is good. I’ve been single a long ass time though, so maybe that will change.
@@zekesalazar7643I think a specific kind of men fall for these types and stay with them long-term, which in itself is a warning sign about ones own emotional health. Girls with BPD in particular do the push-pull routine, want you to be their "daddy" regulating her life and moderating her emotions, but then switches and accuses you of being a controlling bully and a tyrant who hurts her, runs away, quits her job, cheats on you to proove she can, and so on. Its good that you ended it soon enough when its rather sweet - with time, she would start to resent you for all the scenes SHE makes.
As for the suicides, it is mostly over emotions - feeling not loved enough, feeling refused, unwanted, feeling hollow with you. Everything revolves around that. Its emotional cannibalism really.
WOW! this is exactly what happened with the last woman I dated! I had considered that she might be mentally unstable but I'm glad It all makes sense now. thank you so much!
Forces in society stopped me from having intersexual relationships when I was young (I am 69 now) but when I realize what men go through with "girlfriends" I reflect that my early life missing out in this sphere was not a total personal tragedy for me :)
You dodged a bullet there mate, I can’t imagine it happens the same with two dudes lol- good luck man
@@lukeyduke9732 two dudes would be worse-- they would always cheat on each other
Nothing lost, nothing gained my friend.
O... M... G..... I've been desperately trying to figure out what the hell happened to my last relationship... She explains the symptoms EXACTLY like how my ex was!
Her explanation reassures me that my senses were correct, I was caught up in the dream and was sucked in wanting love. I've never kissed or made love to any one else with so much passion.
I want some of that in my life, it still haunts me years later
@@ezr168 yes I still unfortunately miss the intensity. I guess I will never experience that again but on the plus side I wont be married to an emotional roulette wheel. I feel sorry for her husband, who of course she met through me.
Holy shit this described my first relationship practically 100%. Throw on top me not having the emotional maturity at the time to understand what was even happening, i was lost in a sea of confusion and anxiety for 3 years. I talk with my friends now and they tell me how i was a totally different person with her than i was before and now after. How i became so much quieter and less outgoing, how i always seemed like my mind was elsewhere, that i wasn't me anymore. Now i know thats because of how anxious and concerned i was with her reaction to everything i did. But even once it ended, is still missed her, but was angry for the time and mental health she had taken from me. Human emotion is wild, man. I lost all the fun I should have had with my friends in my early 20s post college and despite my relationships with friends and family being stronger now than ever before, I'll probably never be able to completely let go if the resentment I have against her for it. Entering new relationships now is still hard for me bc thats still my main reference point of how relationships work and im fearful of the same patterns emerging. It was honestly traumatic.
It gets better, bro. Takes a long time, but you’ll get there.
Hopefully you get sorted out faster than I do. Haven't seriously considered dating in 6 years and I've been moreorless content to just do my own thing and rub one out quick if needed.
Holy moly, you nailed it!! It's been a hell of a roller coaster, and knowing I'm not the only one that's been going through it does offer some solace.
Well done on video. When learning about PD’s many years ago, I realised I once had behaviours aligned to BPD in my late teens early 20’s - this enabled me to clear and attend to the behaviours. I also had a few partners with Undiagnosed BPD (histrionic possibly). I am a separated parent, and other father’s (some mothers) are surprised when I can lay out a pattern of behaviours their partners did before and after separation - as soon as they give me a few behaviours reflecting your list. I introduce them to Personality disorder and also Bi-polar (II) to help them start to realise they (and their children) are on a roller coaster, but that roller coaster is someone else’s. Thanks
Good job for healing!
You described a previous relationship to a tee. My (ex)girlfriend was never formally diagnosed with BPD or narcissistic personality disorder, but I have no doubt she was afflicted with at least one, based on your characterizations of.
I dated someone with BPD..it was the hardest 2 years of my life. I had to get off that roller coaster 🎢
same, me too quit after 2 years
After nearly 40 years of toxic relationships, I still find it really hard to tell the difference between narcisists and borderliners. But by now at least I've learned that in either case, the best thing to do is leave as soon as you can.
I think you are right - some like my sister in law I believe are both - true demons
they are both Cluster B, so it's mixed up
They are demonic
@@bobjames6622 oxygen thieves
Good one!
BPD have regrets & FeeL bad about the stuff they do, narcissists normally don't...
I have BPD traits, but I attract narcissists... I am healthier when not around my narcissist family members... BPD is like a trauma... I have worked on myself so much.... BPD people are normally very introspective... BUT also there are different types... Not everything is used as manipulation... This video makes it sound like all boundaries stated are for manipulation, when it may just be because they want boundaries and security...
This video hits the nail on the head. I’m so glad I know what I’ve been dealing with in my partner. Before I saw this video, intuitively I came to understand that I had to slow down and set boundaries with her. I still hope and pray that she will get professional help, and that she will have her mind renewed by the power of the Holy Spirit, but that’s between her and God.
Your description was so accurate it actually took me back like an old song or smell takes you back to childhood.
Just want to add:
The only way to have prace was to admit whatever accusations were thrown during the crisis, make amends and move on to the reconciliation part which i loved (maybe even got addicted to). Today i still resent the hypocrisy, being accused of things i did not or say, while she did. Ie she checked my phone, my briefcase everything and found nothing relevant, the only time i did, to show no one can take this level of scrutiny i found controversial messages...even today i still can still remember the double standard i was subjected to and accepted. Still not sure how!
Thank you so much for this. It is uncannily accurate and makes me feel less spun around. Truly grateful.
I experienced this. She flipped for the first time and I was like Whoa. By the time I got into a relationship with her she was an alcoholic and took prescription Xanax. She had to be medicated all the time. Emotional roller coaster at 100 mph. Finally after a year I couldn’t physically and mentally take it anymore and I had to block her and get away. It was insane. Beautiful girl too but she was gone. After I got away she went and moved in with a guy she met on Facebook 1000 miles away. He was a total weirdo but that was the only option she had at that point. Sadly within a year she died from cirrhosis of the liver at age 54. It’s very sad but i couldn’t help her and I ultimately had to save myself because I was almost destroyed.
You describe it perfectly Lise.
I stayed with her for 14 years, she had so many prescription drugs in her purse it sounded like a box of baby rattles. She is going to be 60 soon, I'm surprised she's still alive. I haven't seen her in over 2 years, I heard she looks horrible, that made me feel bad when I first heard that. But quickly realized there was nothing I could do and it wasn't my problem anymore. I know she was never happy and she never will be. I almost died trying to help her. Her daughter helped discard me and I really weird sneaky way, they were after a payoff on my house. It did not work for them. I just told myself it's all on her daughter now. The whole thing was just so weird.
@@brianreed8271 Yeah it's crazy how they hurt themselves and hurt others and they never stop. Never tell the truth. Lies on top of lies.
@@surfshack2 I know it's just stupid on their part, it seems like they always suffer the most. I came to the conclusion my ex likes being miserable, it is just what she is best at. I like fulfillment and happiness myself.
@@brianreed8271 it takes a very strong and strong willed person to lift yourself up in this life, usually it comes from a good family or someone in your family who inspires you. It’s your best asset. Never let anyone take that from you. I don’t care what they tell you, if it doesn’t feel right , you gotta move on.
@@surfshack2 Hurt people, HURT people.
This is fantastic stuff. I've forwarded your stages of NPD to my therapist. Thanks very much for the videos. I've deleted everything from my phone regarding her. I know I won't get full closure I appreciate that. But yesterday was a turning point for me. Thanks to your videos. No more researching. ❤️
I wish I could talk with you. I am grateful for your UA-cam videos.
Wow thank you very much for your support and contribution, it is greatly appreciated!
this was so helpful for me. it’s like you described EXACTLY what i’m going through. thank you
This is so right on target it's frightening and until you have lived through it, you really can't appreciate how devastating it is. In the end, I feared for my life and it took years of drama, police intervention, court postponements, and uphill legal battles to finally wrangle a very expensive final divorce from her. She had become so sick, that her own family rejected her and would have nothing to do with her. That whole period of my life was a bloody nightmare and it went on for years and years. 🎈
Very astute Lise. My person had every flag except 7. I’m 60 days no contact after living 15 years dealing with these behaviors on the daily. My spidey sense was going crazy in the beginning ( and throughout) but having clarity of mind to act was overcome by the most amazing sex and love bombing you could imagine. My judgment was completely compromised and I had no real sense of the impending danger these behaviors would bring.
Now I’m in the education phase of recovery. Understanding this illness and it’s destructive impact and figuring out my next steps are where I am now.
Thanks a million for taking the time to impart your expertise regarding BPD. You nailed these red flags perfectly.
1. She idealises you, puts you on a pedestal. Extreme intimacy and connection. Makes you feel special. Gets you and is massively into you.
1. She doesn't know who she is. Her sense of self is blurry and unstable. She tries to blend into you and become your ideal fantasy woman.
2. Relationship is on turbo speed.
2. Unusual frequency of intensity of sex.
3. Weird things start to happen. At first just micro shifts. Barely noticable. Gut feeling of something not quite right.
1. They want to know everything about you. Strange and detailed questions about your past and past relationships. At first cool and neutral.
2. Then the mask starts slipping a little.
3. Impulsive, intense, emotionally dysregulated.
4. Later she'll need reassurance that she's better than your ex(es), that you love her more. Extreme jealousy. Relationship with an ex even platonic leads to a lot of drama.
4. In the first few weeks she'll open up about past trauma and rocky relationships and be very vulnerable. Activates your protectice instincts and gets you more emontionally invested in her.
1. In the beginning she'll treat you like a superhero, angel, teacher, and the safest person she's ever met.
2. Soon you'll find yourself reassuring her and promising to never do anything to hurt her. You'll want to do everything in your power to make her feel safe.
3. She'll want you to help her manage her emotions, make her feel safe, and not hurt her like everybody else in her life has done.
4. Not doing this with ill intentions to purposefully manipulate. Truly seeing you as somebody who can save her, at least initially.
5. If you pull away even the slightest to spend time by yourself without constantly texting her she will emotionally and sexually pull away.
6. Obsessive childlike neediness for you and then complete abandonment if she feels even a slight shift in your energy.
5. Quickly flips. Emotionally or physically. Can flip to talking in a childish way. Emotional regression and communication breakdown.
1. Extreme emotional shifts. Emotional melt-downs. Can become quite aggressive and irrational. Deflection, projections, ultimatums, gaslighting and other destructive emotional communication tactics.
2. No reasoning with her even if you stay cool. You will feel like you've done nothing wrong but she's is going off on you. The more you try to explain or bring it down the worse it gets.
3. The outbursts may not be extreme rage, but extreme anxiety, stress, guilt, shame, and can turn to self-harm.
6. After an emotional outburst it is hard for her to admit fault, but if she apologises it will be profuse, dramatic and filled with shame.
1. She might tell you how terrible she feels, but is more likely to tell you how terrible she "is" and how unworthy she feels
2. You might find yourself apologising and saying that her nasty or abusive behaviour wasn't all that bad.
3. If she's not apologetic she will remind you of her past trauma and blame you for triggering her while justifying and excusing herself.
4. You might find yourself treading very lightly, walking on eggshells, to avoid triggering these insecurities and having to deal with these wild irrational fits of anger, jealosy, hurt, etc.
5. After there will almost always be a repair and aftercare period she's back to the amazing nurturing woman you fell for.
6. You might think things are actually changing for the better, but this cycle of rage followed by intense affection will go on and on, making you feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster.
7. Self-harm or threats of suicide. 65-80% of people with BPD engage some type of self-injury.
8. She created loyalty binds between you and your family, friends, co-workers, or kids. She will create scenarios where you have to defend her to your loved ones.
1. If for any reason you don't agree with her, take her side, or defend her, you will be seen as spineless weakling who does not know how to take care of a woman.
9. You realise you are losing yourself or have lost yourself. You probably know you're in a toxic relationship but you've got so much invested and you're still holding on to hope that you can save her, that things can get better. But you're mentally, physically and emotionall drained. You are exhausted.
1. On the inside you're probably feeling anxious, depressed, resentful, suspicious and deeply flawed.
10. She cannot be satiated. She is never satisfied no matter what you do. You have the same repetitive fights and conversations that she's not happy, she needs more from you, she needs more from life.
This is close if not on time with the way the cycle moves and by the numbers.
R.I.P. susan, you left and never said goodbye.
👍
You summed up my parent’s 50+ year marriage. My mom passed away in March. It was a weight lifted off our shoulders
Of course she needs more from life - she's perpetually dead inside, literally an insatiable black hole.
As someone who has been in the situation with a female partner twice, I can say this video is beyond incredible and is so accurate. It gave me goosebumps. Bravo one of the best videos on this topic I’ve ever seen.!
You hit the nail on the head! I've been married to a woman with BPD for 18 years and it has been an emotional roller coaster with no end. What I've found is that there is no way to reason with her when her emotions run high. I try to realize what she is saying and doing is out of her control.
Wow. I thought my head was going to fall off with all the nodding I did. I feel for pwBpd. It must be so draining on a daily basis to battle all these emotions. They want to be loved so much but won't allow it. They never asked for this illness. They've done nothing wrong. I've currently just been split on from my partner & literally blocked on everything. I'm a fixer & as much as I want to I know I can't fix her & it's so frustrating. I can't make it right & I literally don't know where to turn. I'm so angry with myself for putting up with it all for the last 8 mths. But I've tried & tried & just get thrown away again & again. Thank you Lise for helping me to open my eyes a little.
Just let her go bro. She’s not who u think
Updates ? Did she unblock you ? My ex when to ghost mode last week and blocked the shit out of me for the 4th time 😭
"Everyone else is the problem and I'm always the victim, everyone I've dated is a narcissist and I was an angel. They always abuse me. You're different, until however, you make any type of normal human mistake and are not perfect, then you're trash and I'll tell everyone how bad you were to me."- BPD in a nutshell
Bruh...
I’ve been w a few men like this too
(anyone can be like this in a relationship. it's also very common for people with BPD to be in abusive relationships or with a narcissist because the narcissist plays the game well and makes the person with BPD feed into the 'not good enough' feeling that we already have)
💯💯💯
BPD not innocent but we do attract narcissists because we both enjoy the love bombing of each other & intensity. Most BPD went thru severe abuse as a child so we’re attracted to unhealthy relationships as well
If you haven’t already, you could easily distribute your videos ‘audio only’ to a podcast. It can increase your reach. I appreciate this content. It is truly helpful and presented honestly and earnestly. This video made me thankful to be happily divorced. You present some scary prospects. Oof.
Same here Glen, thankful to be happily divorced. I love that, well said buddy!
@@LiseLeblanc I distribute mine through Transistor. They seem good at finding podcast platforms to put your podcast on. They offer some marketing tools as well. There are however a lot of podcast distribution platforms to choose from.
Thankyou for posting… it helped me to understand and recover faster from a brief interaction that left me bereft dazed confused and heartbroken after being convinced I’d finally met someone truly special. Heed these flags and run… or don’t and have a truly miserable soul destroying experience….
Omg!
30 plus years with a BPD “ friend” - she was more like my friendnemy. I rationalized so many of the negatives and specifically bypassed this feeling of not being loved and accepted mainly bc my tolerance for BS was high. As I started healing my codependency and started attending college as an adult , it pushed me to grow and change. To make the story short, one day I finally had enough and went grey rock on her until she stopped calling me . I now look back and feel horrified that I tolerated the things I did just bc I focused on one or two positives . I looked and looked for BPD information and there is not much out there as it is compare to narcissism . Thank you for making this video 🙏
Maybe it's just me but I've never met a normal person. Everyone has behavioural problems conditioned by their past experiences that obviously vary in severity.
I have BPD. I have no ill intentions, and love the people in my life wholeheartedly. I know I give them more love and an ear more than most do. I add a lot of positivity in their lives with my insights. I help them become more confident because I magnify to their view the great parts of themselves they hardly see. Sure they experience the tumultuous parts of me sometimes but they also hurt and let me down too in some ways. We all hurt each other. There is a red flag for every adult who has had a human experience. To classify or separate people for the 'security' of others puts the others on a pedestal to point fingers and even overlook their own flaws. We are all fucked up and act in ways we're not proud of. Doesn't make us less worthy of love, compassion and acceptance. I think what matters most is intention. But with our different personalities, we all play pivotal roles in one another's lives. Imagine if we were like robots and programmed our behaviour according to a checklist of normal and 'red flag'. There's no standard for normal because normal is an illusion.
At the end of the day, we all just choose to stick with those who mean something to us, not because they are less capable of causing us harm.
I'm not saying people shouldn't stay away from harmful relationships, we all deserve happiness and ease in our lives. I'm just saying this victim mentality usually keeps people from looking in the mirror.
Exactly! You are spot on. The comments are full of narcissistic men who are quick to label their exes as BPD and themselves the innocent victims.
Hear hear.
The mental health industry is ever so slowly shifting from the pathologizing question 'what is wrong with you' to 'what happened to you'. Unfortunately the money is still made with the former by pushing pills.
In 25, 50, 100 years that DSM thing has undergone major changes anyway.
All the best. ❤️🤗❤️✌️
We only consider things a problem, in relation to ourselves and our wants.
Intermittent abuse is the most insidious and destructive sort.
Setting boundaries is not a victim mentality.
You want a victim mentality???
Just read almost all of the comments - ON ANY NARC CHANNEL.
I didn't know there were that many people without mirrors.
We live in a victim mentality world.
Everyone holds some responsibility.
Thank you Lise! You have helped me understand so much about my ex. A year and a half later I am having an epiphany!
Watching this video was like hearing my last relationship described word by word with uncanny accuracy. Better than I can put it myself. Thank you, from the depths of my heart.
I'd say the biggest red flag was, as I call it, parroting. Everytime I had an issue, I felt lonely, like she didn't love me, I was depressed, felt unappreciated. Whatever it was, when I brought it up, she instantly parrots me. She feels the exact same way I said how I felt. Now of course I'm like why haven't you mentioned this before???? Then of course the focus went onto her feelings with total disregard of mine. No matter how much i tried to turn the conversation to my feelings, shed silent treat me until I acknowledged her feelings. The argument ended with me apologizing for things I didn't even know I did. I was so exhausted at this point i gave up on getting anything from her about my feelings and go to bed while my feelings are still hurt. No acknowledgement of my pain. No care, no resolution. Almost 4 years and not once did she acknowledge ANYTHING she did wrong or how she, or her kids hurt me
this never stops. You can have your parents dying while being terminally ill yourself, they will find a way to tell you they are worse off and deny you support.
BPD is just closet narcissism in its most extreme form.
How did her kids hurt you?
@@thankyoujesus2836 Just flat out disrespect. If ask them to do things and they deliberately blow me off. They'd leave food and garbage all over the house. Neve took care of the animals. But mostly it was her oldest. She was definitely entitled, felt she could do whatever she wanted and say whatever she wanted to me. She wouldn't do anything for weeks but sit on her bed on her phone then ask me to drive her all over the place. If I said no, me ex got pissed at me
@@thankyoujesus2836 Then they would tell their mom I said things I never did, yelled at them or punished them. I was always blown away when she brought it up. Of course it was a lose lose situation. I had so much anxiety coming home everyday to see they didn't do anything and if I told them, they'd lie to their mother. If I told my ex, she blew me off.
@@johnkuwik2477 very interesting. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you went through that. I went through something similar, it seems this type of behavior breeds in families of narcs, there seems to be no discipline nor respect. I eventually let it change me to where I’m very relaxed now, I felt like you did.
It's incredible how precise this is! Thank you Lise for making these for us, only wish I had some other reason for discovering this sooner! It all makes so much sense now. Sadly, I found you for the exact reason you make these videos. Proud to say, thanks to you and these videos, I've moved past this nightmare, mentally ill, rubber stamped paper-doll.
Thank you.
Great stuff. My mother is a BPD individual with a lifetime undiagnosed eating disorder. I recognize so much of the radical behavior, guilt tripping, hero-worshipping and abasement she exhibited against my father and step-father. I suppose I'll be watching your next video to see what kind of BPD she wears!
"Emotionally disregulated." 100% best phrase I've heard regarding these types of people. Another favorite from another psychologists...they haven't been domesticated.
This is the most helpful and on-point synopsis that I've seen on what it's like to be with someone navigating undiagnosed BPD.
Oh my! I lived all 10 things that she talks about. I wish I would had known about and listened to Lise's videos months ago. It would have definitely helped me to not be where I am emotionally now. But, better late than never.
Well I’ve seen your videos on Narcissist disorder and it was concerning and I was thinking this was my ex. Now that I see this video it is a bpd. She admitted it to me but 2 months later told me she didn’t have anything. Idk 😐. I still love her and I care for her but I understand I need to be strong and keep her in prayers. All I could hope is that she gets help and can live a normal life. I won’t discard her because she’s human. We are to love one another and be kind.
Wow. You just described exactly what a certain romantic partner did, point for point. There was an irony in this relationship, as it led me to sobriety. When I met her I was extremely needy, so I kept with all the drama. It was ugly in itself, but as I said, I kicked the bottle because of the mess.
This is one of the best descriptions of behaviors (red flags) on BPD that I have come across. Most are so overly high level that it makes it hard to put it all together. This was spot on for a lot of the things I experienced over 4 years.
Omg . You just told the last eight years of my life . I've been away from her for the last 7 months . I believe she had bpd along with vulnerable narcissism . I am trying to learn as much as possible about the cluster b disorders. Never knew any of this stuff before . Thank you so much for you insight
NPD and BPD. There is a lot of cross over. But mine definitely has both. It really saddens me because we do have children together, but she refuses any help and it has become untenable for me to be with her beyond a co parenting relationship I fear. Thank you for putting this information out with such comprehension. You are a true professional.
Its so sad. She killed my heart, but I still love her, I miss her.
Did she ghost you ? She came back at a later stage? I Hope u feeling well my friend. Your not alone ......
As a survivor of eighteen years with a Borderline woman all I can say is once you do leave! Life begins!!!
It costs a lot to leave!
But to stay would’ve cost me my life and family.
5 years out now and financially recovered.
If I drop a jar of jam spread on the floor accidentally breaking it my current partner will check to see if I’ve hurt my foot and offer to run down the store for another one. She’ll say leave that sweetheart I’ll clean it up and smile.
My ex wife would’ve shaken her head scowled at me and told me how stupid I was and complained about the cost of buying more jam.
That’s the difference!
I could list a hundred or more examples.
Run before you have children!
Own houses.
Have pets.
Loose your self worth!
Same here. I lived with a BPD woman for 19 years, and escaped 5 years ago and life has never been better than the last few years of freedom.
Yep once you recognize someone’s flying monkeys for what they are, then you cease to be a victim of them.
This is so spot on, it’s like a summary of our relationship!
It took me a while to figure out what I was dealing with, but being educated on the disorder has helped a bunch. An early pregnancy in the relationship (Really early) has made me stick it out. But we’re going on 7 years now. And even though there are ups and downs, I’ve learned how to deal with them, and enjoy the normal times together
Thanks for these videos, I could not believe how much emotional, physical and financial damage was done and I'm sure all the trauma sped up my cancer. Now I have zero toxic people in my life and am so much more aware and ready to cut out anyone who wants to invite their drama into my life...
And when they drink run for the hills 🏃
My bf has given up alcohol to save our relationship The episodes are way fewer
Also he takes 5htp, it keeps his mood more optimistic and so less sensitive!
When they drink, run because your life depends on it.
Its like they ve been possessed by the devil himself in an instant
💯!
My ex def undiagnosed BPD. Hit a girl in the face with a beer bottle when they were arguing in a bar. I left her when she slapped me across the face and called me the meanest of things.
I left right after that never heard from her again
"If you pull away ever so slightly" that led to our breakup.
I am overcoming BPD. Yes, we don't pretend. We do love, do hate, do forget. And personally I escape as well.
The problem of such an abusive behaviour is because of our 2 fears: rejection and absorption. They contradict and tear us apart. I always think in my relationships(all the time): ,,This guy is too much or not enough in my life???,,. All the time!!!! Exhausting ((((.
I decided to stop dating sb untill I have worked over these fears and feel safe.
What really helps is getting new habits and hobbies. It makes me ,down to earth, and concentrated on my goals not men.
Thank you !! This video is actually really hurtful;
I needed this 40 years ago. Thanks to the internet this information is more available now, and free.
Great video, lots of themes I’ve observed. And amazing suggestion at the end!
I've been involved - off and on - (of course!) with a woman I suspect suffers from BPD for over 30 years. I'll tell you this much - the sex is always great. Problem is, she's also always cheating on someone with me, and when she was "officially" with me, I suspect she cheated just as much. The irony is she's also extremely jealous, and was always accusing me of cheating, which I never did. Hell, I don't really care if a sexual partner sleeps around a little - it's very common, and not a deal breaker for me, as long as everyone is upfront and adult about it.
She was anything but adult about anything, despite now being in her 60s with a bunch of children and grandchildren. Still, I love this woman, despite her inconsistent push-pull mood swings, and utter unreliability and fear of emotional intimacy. I also know she's trouble, and manage my expectations accordingly now. When I younger and less wise, I blamed myself for her emotionally abusive behavior. Now I keep her at arm's length .
Why keep her in my life at all you might wonder? Well, like I said, I still love her. She's not evil or anything, just volitile and childish and unreliable and chaotic. Lotta fear and shame driving her behavior. I keep her around because I like her, and I like to study her behavior. BPD and narcissism frameworks help me understand her better, and accept her as the flawed human being she is. She's taught me a lot about myself too, by way of contrast. Did I mention that sex with her always rates 10 out of 10? lol.... I'm telling you, BPD women are not all bad. You just have to manage your expectations and keep them at a safe distance from an emotional standpoint.
Your results may vary😅
Love? Sounds more like attachment, dependency & ADDICTION to me.
PS: I say that as someone who was in your shoes - justifying everything for level 10 sex. Learned a lot about myself thru that.
@@gogo-bi9qh Haha! No doubt! I think it was Buddha who said:
"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. Through the ditch of addiction, attachment, dependency and 10+ SEX with crazy women who make you suffer their BPD"
If so, I'm as wise as Confucius. Now, how do I find one that goes to 11? No nurses or strippers please. I'm getting too old for that $%^&
@@TheWilliamHoganExperience Good perspective! I think you got this! Enjoy 👍
I like how you keep her around because you like her and like to study her behavior , life is interesting stuff, enjoy
Could also be a person with anxious attachment paired with a person with avoidant attachment.
yeah felt the same