I don’t remember where I heard this (or I would cite it), but something that stuck with me deeply is that ✨you don’t accept autistic people unless you accept autistic behaviors *with or without* knowing someone is autistic. ✨ It makes me so sad to know that sometimes acceptance only comes when outwardly identifying yourself as autistic. So many people say they accept autistic people (and maybe they do), but reject autistic behaviors.
Thisbis exactly what I've been trying to explain in regard to my ex-manager, who's a real self-satisfied piece of shit. Her ego couldn't take it, but I'm the one who ended up on the receiving end of everything. Currently planning an appointment with a workers' rights attorney with a whole file of proofs and all to settle that and make sure she doesn't get to have a career in our company, regardless of whether or not the company likes it (I already warned them I am ready to alarm the unions at the slightest wrong move from their part). The worst part is people trying to dissuade me from revenge. Nah man, I've had to deal with this bullshit my whole life without having the possibility and power to retaliate. Now I can and it's nuclear revenge time.
This is something I'm stuggling pretty hard with these days. I'm fairly confident I do have some form of Autism Spectrum Disorder, but I can't get an actual diagnosis yet because I have no money and am struggling to get a job. My IRL friends - including the first people to actually sit down and talk with me about the possibility that I might be autistic! - continue to expect me to be able to do the things they can do with no issue. Things like "you're probably not gonna get a job unless you talk to a recruiter" - when talking to A) a person I don't know, that B) is explicitly in the role of judging and evaluating my abilities, is terrifying and overwhelming to me to the point of shutdown.
Thank you for commenting this, and thank you Irene for the video. I’ve never been diagnosed as autistic and I don’t know if I fit the criteria but the video resonated with me so much, it really touched my soul. Do I need a diagnosis or a label for people to stop judging me and questioning me? Why can’t we just live and let live? The world is in desperate need of enlightenment and compassion. I felt so seen and understood watching this video
I try to ask my mom questions about my childhood and she always tell me I was such an obedient child and a good child and now she says I’m not obedient and became depressed, and that I talk my mind too much. I wish she would understand that I was going through a crisis. I wasn’t just depressed I was questioning my whole identity and life.
She also told me I didn’t speak much, and that I was into art since I was in kindergarten and it báncame one of my Interests , I went through burnout at the end of my senior year everything changed the routine that I had everyday was gone.
The "you're a good girl" obedience thing was a huge part of my childhood and "behaving" was a really narrow set of things I had to force myself to do. It took all my energy. Took so much away from me. And now that I'm diagnosed and letting go all of my internalized "BEHAVE BEHAVE BEHAVE OR YOU WONT BE LOVED" thing is really hard. But the days I feel like I can just...BE (which involves stimming and talking a lot) I am more energetic, helpful, vibrant, alive. But I can feel the high masking skill snapping onto my face and suffocating me in certain situations. I'm definitely someone who "looks more autistic" after the diagnosis and I can tell a bit more when people think I'm "really weird" and that definitely...like...hurts at times. But it doesn't hurt as bad as locking it all up and pretending to be a different way.
@@sirathena literally SAME I started not caring about what others think anymore and started being myself more and speaking my mind more and I’ve been on the journey of unmasking we got this ⭐️
Same! I asked my mom about the same. She couldn't list any unique characteristics except I listened, was quiet and smart. But I think she thinks I'm smart not because I am but because I never challenged her and always overcompensated by helping her emotionally like an adult
I have pushed myself SO far out of my comfort zone, clueless about why I was treated differently and trying to overcompensate for people just not liking my personality with extra effort... I see this pattern appearing since elementary school, and it has followed me throughout my life...
I can relate so much. For me that started with my family when I was really young and continued through every relationship in my life until I really fell in love for the first time and I realized that I couldn't continue to hide myself so much because he would never be able to love me for who I really am if I did.
"Permission to be myself" is a phrase I identify with so much. Like after I found out I am autistic, I really just understand a framework for my instincts. I still struggle with my yesses and nos but I can tell so much now when it rips energy out of me. It is amazing that just a framework, a diagnosis, gave me something to work from and understand myself.
I have never been able to explain “I don’t want to die, I’m not chemically depressed. Life is so depressing and I don’t know how much longer I can do it.” I am finally accepted as an adult woman to be assessed for autism under my insurance in six weeks and everything has come into frame for me. I am trying to educate myself on my internalized ableism and I clicked on your video to listen to while I drive. 18 minutes later I’m pulled over crying in a parking lot. All I can say is thank you. I’m sending this to my loved ones so they can better understand. Thank you.
I just have the unfortunate problem of my friends or loved ones not having the patience to deal with any autistic traits. I'm incredibly patient (most of the time) with the physical needs and mental needs of the people in my life but i find that i rarely ever receive that energy back. I was thrown into the acting world at age 8. It helped me learn how to mask to a degree that keeps from ever truly knowing myself.
Sending love my friend. I wish that people who think I’m too much effort, only knew how much effort I was putting into understanding and getting along with them as well.
my positive neurodivergent trait is that my joy and excitement for my special interests is unrivaled, and while it is impossible for me to contain it, the people in my life love the energy that I spread when I’m lit up 🤩☀️🥰
As a child, I was often baffled by adults' obsession with appearances and other people's opinions. They tried to explain it, but I wasn't getting it. But because I needed to feel emotionally safe in my home, when my parents felt I had misspoken or behaved oddly, I would try to correct for it. But I am not able to know what people are thinking and feeling sometimes if they try to hide it or don't tell me how they like to be treated. So I got really good at guessing when people might be upset by something. Out of every five things I could have done wrong, I guessed a hundred ahead of time so that I could correct them. That's a lot of brain energy, and it developed into an anxiety disorder. And now, as an adult, I still feel like caring about appearances is dumb. I care how stuff looks to me and I care if my loved ones feel comfortable, but it's no longer just my job to figure out what they want. I try to guess a little, and they try to communicate, and if they say they don't mind, it's not my job to disbelieve them.
I used to stim a lot as a kid, especially when I was scared or anxious, but it was… “disciplined” out of me by my mom and stepdad. Now that I no longer live with them, I find myself stimming again. I finally feel safe enough to do so.
My neurodivergent trait is, I talk like a book! One of my special interests has always been writing and that’s how I speak out loud :D sometimes to mask, I try to use more informal language and slang, but I don’t like to do that.
The consistent feedback I get from others (specifically work) are: “Oh my gosh! I never would’ve known you’re autistic, you hide it so well!” Or “So we’ve noticed you’ve been lapsing on some tasks and communication, and we are just concerned and want to check-in” Which leads me to feeling like I either have to perfectly mask or apologize for when I can’t avoid burnout or have the energy to fake my feelings/mask. When all I want to do is find more and more safe spaces to unmask and be myself. I just want the things I do to process and be comfortable to be as accepted as others, especially since I’m not hurting anyone. Thank you so much for these videos. I can’t tell you how much it has helped me accept myself and process my adult diagnosis. Thank you for being here.
I really, really resonated with the "appearing more autistic" sentiment. Not exactly the same situation, but due to being AFAB with comorbidities that are common misdiagnoses for autism in girls, I have been suspecting in recent years that I may be autistic. I didn't even realize how much I masked even around my own family until I left for college and lived with roommates that accept me for who I was, no matter how I presented or spoke. Suddenly I was constantly buzzy, couldn't stop moving, always always talking and I felt so *free*. I grew up Mormon, and as AFAB there were strict expectations put on me to be quiet, submissive, still, to be delicate; it's no wonder I had to mask as a child. Just like my other comorbidities/diagnoses, I am good at masking them because I had to be. I'm grateful I now have the time and space to learn how to unmask and be myself, surrounded by people that appreciate me for me and not my ability to appear normal. Thank you for your informative videos as always!
I grew up with the autistic diagnosis and noticed i would often get babied and talked down to the second they figured out i was on the spectrum. Which really just reinforced masking for me to the point it started to affect me both mentally and physically. I don’t know if a video on this subject has been done before but a video about neurotypical and systems that can be misguided or mishandled in their attempts to help support people on the spectrum which could lead to more harm than good. And thanks for the continued research and education on autism being brought to a wider public, you are changing lives 👍
Its literally so embarrassing when they start to treat you like a child. The worst part is that they probably think they’re being a nice person instead of realizing how patronizing it is.
Agreed to all these comments. We could seriously write a book about how inherent and systemic ableism is, and all the ways it's oppressive to neurodivergents. From the micro-aggressions such as the condescension & patronization, to the constant judgement, to the outright constant of being FORCED into neurotypical standards/expectations, the outright BULLYING if we don't mask perfectly (even from other neurodivergents who have internalised ableism) which leads to social trauma, etc.
I was on a call once to get my diagnosis and the call was very normal, then she asked who the testing would be for. The second I explained it was for me she started baby talking to me. It was so funny I had looked at my roommate who could hear it and we both almost started laughing because it was such an obvious change.
The thing is….. why does a human need a diagnosis to be respected? Like why??? If someone says I can’t concentrate without earplugs on and their job doesn’t involve constant communication, why can’t they just use the earplugs? That’s just one example but it’s extremely dehumanizing in my opinion to bash anyone that’s not “normal” when no one is. We’re all slightly different people. And life would just be easier if we were all honest and listened to eachother on things that aren’t even hard to accommodate for eachother. Like what gives
Around the 30 min mark when you said your coworkers probably felt like you deserved the mistreatment… that hit like a ton of bricks. I’m currently going through that at my job. I always think to myself, if they just knew I was neurodiverse (I don’t have an official diagnosis yet) they might treat me a whole lot better and it honestly makes me sad
Like Irene i got targeted by my family. Because i wouldn't hang out with them when they think yelling at me is ok. Belittling me for being gluten free is totally ok with them, not with me though. No I am not doing it to get attention, just to avoid intense stomach problems. My difference as an autistic positive is i am highly empathetic with animals and people. I will rock it this week.
i don’t have a diagnosis but people often say i’m probably autistic and watching this i realized that i always felt annoyed by people who didn’t hide the way they feel like i do, i’ve been ableist to people that just wanted friends and i don’t know if it was because i was jealous by the way they could stim or be themselves without shame or because i thought that’s been like that will make me fit better with other people. I wish i was a better person to them.
Tomorrow will mark my first week since getting diagnosed with autism at 26 years old. You, as well as Megan (from "I'm autistic, now what) need to be credited for the awareness you gave. I got the intuition back in 2021 when I started working with autistic kids and finally got around to making an appointment and taking the tests. Anyway. The headphones example hits very close to my heart because I got noise cancelling headphones because of noisy neighbours and it changed my life. Now that people know I have autism, I can wear them "proudly". Thank you again. Take care
Good! It really makes a difference at the grocery store 🫡 I remember I started doing that before I was diagnosed because I just kept freaking out and leaving and feeling like a weirdo for abandoning ship mid bread aisle. I wasn’t used to living in the city so I was essentially went from the woods where it’s quiet to getting sensory overload all the time. Headphones are a blessing 😇 finding those other things to prevent burnout will save your soul dude
Ugh, I love headphones SO MUCH!! I just wish they didn't sometimes crunch the cartilage in my ears or create gross buildup. I just want to wear headphones forever with no consequences ;_;
sometimes my autism feels like at my school everyone is in this group chat and there all connected and they all get the inside jokes, except i’m not invited. i’m not in the group chat and i’m trying to navigate conversations where i feel im excluded.
Sadly my favorite personal trait is so often taken for being a know-it-all. It brings me great joy to absorb information and share it. I have found that my gauge for a healthy workplace environment involves whether coworkers put me in the "standoffish know-it-all b*tch" category or the "quiet but kind human encyclopedia" category. I've always been socially excluded by coworkers no matter what, but healthy ones at least treat me well while at work.
This video more than anything has made me realize I should not feel bad for requesting reasonable accomodations for my ASD because neurotypicals require TONS of accomodation in social situations: reading body language, picking up on voice tone/hidden meanings in speech, and requiring constant reciprocation of unnecessary pleasantries are all things neurodivergents are constantly having to do to appease people.
I realise the one and only time I've been fired in my adult life (in addition to the issues I'd had with managers and coworkers) was because I reacted in a way that was unacceptable to neurotypical expectations. Basically an incident happened where I fully took responsibility for what I had done wrong but wouldn't accept things they decided to tack on to justify firing me (immediately after they'd tried to sack me for my long term illness and got schooled because I know my rights). For a long while, I felt wronged and couldn't verbalize why because I didn't have the language and understanding I do now. In my appeal response, they said they were upholding the decision because I "didn't show remorse" and that stuck with me because I fully accepted where I was in the wrong so the idea that I didn't show remorse was just a slap in the face. I realise now that they wanted me to just quietly accept the things they said I did and be sorry for those and, because I knew I didn't, I wouldn't, so I wasn't playing the game their way. It's horrifying to really think about because that's literally been my whole life: feeling like I'm playing a game no-one taught me the rules of and being penalised for breaking rules no-one told me existed. 😩
I am personally DESPERATE for a meaning/definition of autism divorced from "Social difficulties". It's clear to anyone keeping up with lived experiences that there's something way more fundamental below that surface assessment. Seems to me, based also on the shared ADHD overlap research, that it's primarily a sensory difference that then leads to, essentially, distractions from learning the same stuff others do by attention regulation tuned to other humans/social feedback instead of pure sense experience, resulting in differing brain shapes/chemistry.
My friend and I have been trying to figure something out for years. Because as someone recently diagnosed with ADHD and he was diagnosed with Asperger’s when it was still being used years ago we always noticed that it came back to that as almost a reflection on NT people on ND. Which is fine or whatever but isn’t an accurate definition. I mean if you look inside a window you could not give me a mental tour of a home 😅. It’s like asking my friend about what he thinks when he uses an utensil versus my husband. My husband has about maybe 3 things he can think of max about a spoon, my friend and I can write a dissertation 😅. When I meet autistic people who cannot mask or who experience low functioning autism. They are people and clearly have a sense of enjoyment and a different way of thinking. I wonder if we stopped trying to push them into mold through NT eyes if we could have them and their loved ones experience a much better understanding and more joy? I think about how many autistic children and adults I have treated and how most of the programs they are using are aimed at having them reach a NT persons goals and it makes me super sad dude because even if someone makes that goal they’ll never be what they’re being marked against and I feel that’s super shitty. Like asking a lobster to grow to be a race car. I love the idea of one day having a definition made by a committee of Autistic people about autism! ❤ Edit: I forgot my friend and I both now work in healthcare so we are like wtf within our own system. Sorry guys we do try 🥲 it don’t even work with us on our or our patients needs.
@@grandmasgopnik9642yeah, having an ND reach an NT's goals about how to be is just another way ableism in society in general is systemic and inherent to almost all neurotypicals. I'm just done with how rampant the ableistic oppression is.
I have no idea if my perspective is useful here but I'll give it a go. One of the criteria I remember before my assessment was about truth and justice. NDs seem to be much more inclined to expressing the truth, in a society that values lies/fake/make up/plastics and where most people mask. The problem, as I see it, is that the masking is just more painful for the ND community and we get hyper stressed from both losing our authenticity AND being even more pushed to be "normal" from birth. Sensing truth is an ability and when we repress all of that and our true selves we experience that as chronic stress and social anxiety. Not being real creates a real shit show and we come off as socially maladapted- - to a society that is sick and false. End note is that learning to sense "the energy" of a person plus establishing healthy boundaries helped me a lot. I believe that NDs more often than not take in energies a lot more (which is why I personally can't look well into people's eyes all the time, then I take in everything.)
I feel like it's a processing difference and the social difficulties part is just a secondary symptom that comes from the fact that the way we feel and understand (sense) things is fundamentally different from the way NTs do. Not to mention the physical differences that are often present some of which tie in with the sensory stuff. Basically we're just built different and that predisposes us to a lack of mirroring which starts a chain reaction to all this other stuff but people characterize it as social difficulties cause that's what they can see and make sense of easily.
One mask that I wore for a long time was the "laughing at things that are funny to the group but are not even mildly amusing to me" mask. Now I am consciously aware of when my face begins to tighten at the "It's time to laugh" cue. Now something has to be legitimately funny to me to provoke a laugh. I no longer laugh at what the group laughs at (if I don't find it funny). Now I am willing to be perceived as a robot. I don't care. (Of course I say that I don't care, but truthfully, there's a reason why I'm a recluse.)
I’m nearly crying while watching this. In my current environment with narcissistic parents who seemingly tick off every single box you mentioned in this video, I am forever grateful that people like you exist. And I’ve never been more serious in my life for saying that; I am an autistic artist/animator with a set of parents who think my mental boundaries/priorities just don’t exist. I genuinely don’t know why, but they are refusing to allow me to stand my ground and accept that I am not perfect and that I simply operate and process things so differently from them and what feels like everyone else on the planet…
So sorry you’re going through that! I hope that when you have the chance to move out, you really prioritize yourself and get some therapy for all that bullshit! Wishing you lots of peace in whatever form it can take in the meantime ❤
I have always felt misunderstood but never really considered it could be linked to my autism. It is a comfort to know that I’m not the only one that has been bullied for being different. I have been compared to Wednesday adams ever since the show came out because I am very flat and blunt and show my care for others through ribbing that is often taken by others as me being a narcissist. I have been accused of stealing far too many times in my life even though I have always been a very good kid. As a child I was so confused and hurt that everyone assumed I was a criminal and assumed so many nasty things about me when I don’t even talk to them. I have overheard people call me crazy (which especially hits hard because I now have psychosis) dont even get me started on how many times I’ve been called a b*tch by people I haven’t even met. I also have noticed people acting even worse to my low functioning peers. I will meet random classmates in my school and somehow they always find a way to talk about a low functioning classmate in particular (we’ll call her Sam for simplicity sake) at any dull moment in a given conversation. These people will tell me about how weird she was when they once again HAVNT EVEN MET HER. There are so many nasty rumors about her that I hear all the time, many of Sam going against her religion. I see her all the time, she loves her religion, all she ever does is try to be as nice as possible to people. She is not my friend and I don’t really intend on having a friendship with her because I honestly don’t think I would have the patience for her. It breaks my heart though to see her being bullied so much and still keeping her kind soul in tact despite the relentless hate she gets. Yes, she’s a little off, yes, she doesn’t know when the right time to say things are, yes, she can be awkward. NONE OF THESE ARE REASONS TO TREAT PEOPLE THIS WAY. I feel that there is a huge stigma around people like us. I do not think it can be lifted in our lifetime but it is never too late to start. Thank you for bringing light to this and helping me realize I’m not the only judged fish out of water lol
I agree! I've never understood why people feel it's ok to be mean and hateful to someone, just because they're different than the norm. I was bullied all throughout my school years, and it was very emotionally painful to feel like I was hated for something I couldn't help. I didn't (and I still don't) know how to "be" any other way than how I am. Throughout my life, I've had so many issues with bosses and co-workers, similar to what Irene described. I'm at a point now where I have isolated myself, because it is too painful to be around other people. I'm tired of being misunderstood, and I'm tired of being disliked for who I am. I wonder if this is what is meant by "autistic shutdown"? I don't know, it's been going on for almost a year now, I don't seem to be able to interact with the world anymore.
Even though I am a female people compared me to the character of UrkeI when I was a kid. Because I was very nerdy and people thought I was a know-it-all. I didn't think I was superior to anyone I just loved learning and wanted to share what I knew. I didn't know how to do that without being annoying I guess. Why when we are autistic do we often seem to annoy people without even trying? I feel like I am innately annoying. How can I be less annoying without masking? I am not that great at masking anyways.
@@Catlily5in my experience, it’s because people are not willing to be responsible for their own feelings and speak up when they feel annoyed. Instead, they hold it against you secretly (or not so secretly spreading rumors behind your back). If people said, “I’m really tired and need quiet right now” or “when you make that noise, it triggers my misophonia, do you mind doing something else when you are around me?” and that kind of communication, we could all coexist. But our society has so many assumptions about how everyone “should know how to act,” instead of being responsible for understanding themselves, their own behavior, and interactions with people. Why are we, the ones with the supposed “social deficits” required to acclimate to their illogical, arbitrary rules? Why can’t they put down their privilege for a minute and see how easy it is for them to communicate (compared to us and THEIR DEFINITION of us), and do it! Instead of expecting us to read their minds, even though these rules change from culture to culture. Direct communication does not change from culture to culture. Abled people don’t want to be inconvenienced, and disabled people pay the price.
One thing about seeking treatment, acceptance, and understanding is how isolating it becomes when you never had a good familial or social support system to begin with. This process revealed to me how alone I am. Every time there’s a disagreement with family, friends, etc the one take away is that I’m: 1. Wrong 2. Purposefully ignoring the feelings or needs of others. And I know for a fact that this isn’t true because I’ve always been a people pleaser. I want to maintain peace more than anything even at my own detriment. My family won’t even confront their own mental health differences yet when I speak about mine, they use my bad days or certain behaviors (keeping to myself, oversleep, etc) as an attack on them. It’s so tiring to navigate I just hope in the future, neurodiverse children won’t have to grow up in unsupportive environments wondering what’s wrong with them.
I'm not officially diagnosed, but after about 6 months of extensive research, I'm certain I'm autistic. To the people who think we're putting on an act... we're not, we're putting off an act - an act we've had for our entire lives
A big problem for us austistics is that we are living in an ever increasingly narcissistic world. Most allistics are never going to get it, concerning the struggles that we go through. They don't have any point of reference. It's like trying to explain to someone who was born blind the color green. It's simply impossible. And unfortunately for us since we only make up 1 or 2% of the population, allistics can afford to be ignorant and indifferent to our needs.
@@emmakaram9490they’re two different things. narcissism still exists as a personality trait, NPD being a condition doesn’t take that away or make some ableist by calling someone who is self-absorbed and controlling narcissistic without having the full blown personality disorder. just like some people can have autistic traits, but not be autistic. Narcissism and NPD just happen to share the same word to describe what they are. yes, narcissistic wasn’t appropriate to use for all allistic people, but narcissists do exist outside of NPD.
I dont understand the harm or ableism. If the phrase narcissism describes someone's behavior accurately, what's the harm? I do think people just throw around the term without knowing what it means pretty often but if the boot fits, I dont think its wrong to call a horse a horse so to speak. NPD or not, the ways that people who display narcissistic traits treat other people is often pretty indefensible.
I have recently been coming to terms with my ASD after a fairly traumatic social experience. I’ve always known I was different but its only in the last few years that I have really started to understand it. I’m not sure why but for the first time that I can recall I’ve been experiencing sensory issues, in particular, I’ve found crowded places and synthetic smells like you might find in a shopping centre distressing. It feels like being a small child on the edge of tears.
I had a lot of barriers to get a diagnosis as an older adult where I live. I had to go through so many hoops. I have gotten the ‘more autistic’ comment. I was like this as a kid, I was not a masking autist until I was in my late teens and had to work with people for a paycheck. I developed scripts to get through these jobs, and came home and pretty much crashed in a bed. Your story is so much like mine. I did not care about having people like me starting in my 30s. I feel that if someone either likes me or dislikes me. I am not and done chasing after friends. I have a few close friends, and this is all I need. As for acceptance with family, that is something to me that is morally correct. My sister-in-law as soon as I came out as AuDHD, she cut me off. The girls (my nieces) were not encouraged to overnight with us, no more taking the girls to the zoo, or the local aquarium. To take the kids out for a day. She is a helicopter mother, I get that. However, I helped raise nieces and nephews with my family back home. Not once had any kid in my care have witnessed me with a meltdown. Or terribly disregulated. I am really hurt by her attitude. I got so mad once, I said what the rest of the family was witnessing, her 8 year old having ADHD. Stating that maybe you should learn because she exhibits all the signs of ADHD, maybe more, but I did not mention that. The way she is about Autism, no way can I tell her that I believe that daughter is AuDHD. I hope though it is just ADHD. It was after she just pushed my buttons one too many times with the ‘i do not like autism’ that I just finally after 4 years of this treatment, it was enough. I do not care about ableism, I get it. I do get it thrown at me at university where I am trying to finish my thesis, I just get called lazy and not worth the effort. Or get this, she is a nursery school through 5 years of age here where I live in the EU. She is really cruel to her daughter when she melts down, or stims. I feel for the kids she has to work with on a daily basis. Because at least 2 of the kids she works with are neurodiverse.
My parents called me “Miss B” from like age 6+ and I thought it was because of my last name at the time. It used to embarrass me, but I didn’t really know why. Turns out is stood for ‘bitch’. I was a very emotional and overwhelmed kid, hyper-sensitive to my environment. My step sister wrote in a Christmas card when I was 10 that “even though I could be a real bitch sometimes, she hopes I have a Merry Christmas” and when I was 20, my brother mailed me a rap that he wrote for my birthday based on how much of a bitch I am-my whole life has been peppered with how other people perceived me-really how they misjudged/misunderstood me. It was always a surprise to me when I got this “feedback” because I spent my every waking moment trying to fit into what everyone else wanted from me, thought so HIGHLY of everyone else and embraced their quirks so warmly and easily. I was 29 before realizing that I’m actually Autistic. Thank you for this video, Irene! It’s as if you spoke my words for me. I’m so grateful to you. 🙏🏼
I work in ABA as a late diagnosed autistic and I teach BCBA’s and coworkers about Autism and that we need to allow them to be themselves. My current client literally told me to stop trying to act different and just be myself. I love my job and I want to educate the ABA world that we don’t need fixing we just need guidance and support to be our best selves.
My therapist today told me a story about how he as a child would cover his ears, scream and repeat a certain phrase whenever a fire drill happened in school and how they ACCOMMODATED HIM by telling him when a fire drill was gonna happen Then proceeded to say that was completely normal The first session he told me "well based on your eye contact alone blah blah blah blah, i do that also blah blah blah" Buddy, youre just as autistic as i am🗿 Ive been able to read at a level FAR above all of my peers since i could remember and all he had to say was "well seems like you just suffer from being smarter than everyone around you" My guy i STRUGGLED in school in many different ways and ONLY enjoyed the more physical hands on electives like woodshop and strength and conditioning yet reading at a college level IN 6TH GRADE IS NORMAL!!! WHAT!!! WANTED TO PULL MY HAIR OUT
Precocious speech and reading is common in twice exceptional autistics. I spoke 3-5 word sentences since I was about 1 years- 18 months. Then full sentences at 2. Started reading newspapers and magazines, figuring out the words based on some of the phonetics of letters I had been taught and just filled in the blanks with my verbal vocabulary, figuring out the rest of the phonetics from about 4-5 years old. I remember I'd use words like "technically,' (a lot, I said it so much, it ticked off my sister) and be dismissive of my sister being muttering under my breath, "complete idiocy,", at 5 years old. My older sister on the other hand is average intelligence and needed speech therapy to annunciate her words correctly at 6 years old. She's not autistic though as far as I'm aware. I'm in the process of assessment, and my brother has been diagnosed since he was 7 (I knew since he was 2 but didn't know the name for it, I just knew he was like me in some ways, just a whole lot stupider). I wanted to read more complex material as a child and teen, but also had a psychologically and verbally abusive home situation, so I escaped through fantasy novels. I wish my teachers had noticed, because I was very BORED during school. I wanted a challenge I could spend all day concurring alone, rather than move from topic to topic, even if it was in the same order of subjects in primary. It was very destabilising. I just wanted textbooks and unlimited library access. And someone to understand I was not normal even if I had two arms two legs and a steady heartbeat, didn't mean I wasn't struggling as a twice exceptional.
This was a much needed conversation. If you ever have time, I hope you can also cover how early childhood trauma (or trauma, in general) ties into the masking phenomena (for both neurotypical & divergent) as a means of survival. I grew up shoving a lot of my childhood neglect under the rug and I’m paying for it BIG time in my adult years.
I know this is going to sound weird but I was drawn to your channel and decided to watch your video. I just wanted to say that you have a very calming presence and I can tell that you're a gentle/pure soul. I wish you the best on your journey to healing from childhood trauma. We need more people like you in this world. 🙏
Whew, this one hurt! I don't want to be disrespectful and insert myself into the autistic experience, but boy in regard to ableism am I right there with you. Society can't handle "different". People are literally programmed to attack whoever stands out and its so reflective of how much love lacks; but I will say it felt so good as a CPTSD sufferer to embrace my limitations and stop trying so hard to fit a mold that wasn't shaped for me. I am liberated and living authentically and that's a lesson that anyone who watches your channel can also take away. Thank you for this video! Also, I'm proud for what you and the autistic community have overcome to survive such a harsh world until now and I'm proud that you spread awareness. ❤️
I've always thought that considering someone as rude and/or mean is incredibly narcissistic. That person might be perfectly cordial with you, however something in their tone, or the way they speak, or carry themselves offends you. It reminds me so much of Seven of Nine, from Voyager. Everyone considers her rude and is intimidated by her, when she's perfectly polite with her wards, essentially.
It's super frustrating and hurtful that we're not allowed to be ourselves. This year has been really illuminating with all the deep dive research I've done on autism/ADHD/PDA/misophonia, and it explains so much. It cuts deep when others make remarks and demands of, "Just do this," or "Why can't you just do this? It's easy!" (i.e. one of my friends recently told me, "Just don't focus on the noises. Just don't think those thoughts and focus on the positive.") It's like, I literally would if I could. I try so hard, but no matter how hard I try, I never seem to be good enough. I've always known that I was abnormal, but I never knew why. I was always so exhausted when dealing with others, always preferring to be alone or with cats. Didn't help that others always declared me to be weird (or in elementary school kids labeled me as stupid because I was quiet). The judgments have always been brutal. Society at large misunderstands you and mistreats you. School, work, family, social situations, etc. are so challenging. I didn't realize I've been experiencing burnout my whole life. People seemed upset that I didn't follow social norms. I never understood why people can't say what they mean and mean what they say. I've always tried to do what felt right t me, but it never seems to be acceptable to the world at large. Looking back, I've been masking my whole life in attempt to be safe in this world. It has not been okay to be myself, and my family has been super critical of me. I constantly feel like a horrible person, and I get the struggle of staying true but not being accepted or disregarding how I feel to not get attacked (whether emotionally, verbally, or physically). I haven't been diagnosed officially, and it feels like it wouldn't be all that acceptable for those around me and cost too much (finances have always been a major struggle).
Thank you for talking about this. I feel like being late diagnosed high masking autistic has in some ways made me more ablist. I have been pretty dismissive of accommodations in the past because I could definitely use the help, but I push thru without so I expect others to do the same. I am not saying this is good. Pushing thru has been horrible for both my mental and physical health. I am steadily unlearning a lot of internalized ablism. I'm just trying to convey that because every day is a struggle to get thru I can be a bit judgemental when someone is given different lighting or headphones or breaks or whatever the need is. My knee jerk can be: wuss, suck it up; it doesn't matter if it hurts. It's something I'm working on unlearning.
I've had similar kinds of workplace bullying situations myself. And a lot of it came from women. They are far more social and adept at this kind of passive type of aggression.
I’m too much of a “people pleaser” as a part of my job (a medical professional that cares for military members), and I’m approaching burnout. I’m going to start cutting back and listening my my needs more.
32:30 I daydream a lot. Like, a lot. Imaging that me and my peers are characters from a franchise I love helps me motivate myself to, ironically, be present in the moment when I'm happy, cause it's not just me I'm living this moment for, it's these characters I love, and weirdly, that helps me practice my own self love. There are also times when I struggle to focus on a task I dislike or have had previous bad experiences with, and I recognize that me zoning out completely is a way my brain tries to save myself the stress. It also helps me know when to quit and come back later sometimes, as if I try and push past the feeling, I'll end up feeling even worse and more drained and the work will turn out horrible and I'll be dissatisfied with it, ultimately wasting more time and energy than I should've when I could've just gotten a snack then returned to the task with a clearer mind instead. I know that for others, their lack of focus can be a real problem, but for me, I think it actually helps me get through my tasks quicker and more efficiently. Probably because I learned on my own to accept it and use it to my own advantage from a very young age.
I'm a super high masking person. When I got my diagnostic and did stimm for the first time in years, I cried out loud because it was so good and I felt like I'm in my own body again after so long. I have no words to describe how important this moment was for me and I feel that now, little by little, I'm reconnecting with me.
my job security is being threatened even as I type this now because I am newely diagnosed at 30 years old and a single mother and the people I work with are NOT aware of masking and how my neurodivergence really plays out ..I just see my job slipping through my fingers and have no idea how my daughter and I will continue on but I can't take it anymore so thank you for allowing me to feel seen through this video!!!
Long before suspecting I am Autistic, I began wearing my earbuds *all, the, time* … for it occurred to me one day: my mood was “better” and my days went a little “better” when I simply didn’t remove them in between therapy sessions, listening to some music or content, etc It was such an awesome and beneficial realization… and one that I know many who suspect/have been diagnosed can attest to - and why one might suddenly start wearing headphones everywhere. I happened to discover the benefits by accident, but many might just be leaning into the suggestion to wear them to cut down on noise stimulation. ** I don’t enjoy that feeling of ‘buds “plugging” my ears, but I also don’t enjoy supporting the weight of headphones, nor feeling claustrophobic with them over my ears.
5:12 I haven't finished the video yet, but this describes my situation so much. I'm so used to going somewhere quiet to meltdown in private that, even if I slip up and have one in view of someone, my parent keeps denying that i might be autistic, or at least neurodivergent. It's like they can't handle the thought that i need accommodation and I just need to 'act right'.
NTs: You need to stop being so rigid with your thought and behavioral patterns and expectations of society! Also NTs: *Expects us to conform to their rigid thought and behavioral patterns and expectations of society rather than working with us to create better support networks containing more square holes for us to square pegs to fit in to since we struggle to fit in to their round holes* Us: Guess we'll just stay chronically unemployed, alone, and infinitely more likely to die at young ages then...🤷
Emotional throughout, because of how much I connect and feel understood. I have constantly been fed and come to believe that I am the one who needs to fix themselves.
I love this message. I'm dyslexic and suffer C-PTSD, and other things I like the term neuro divergent, so much easier. The discrimination is very similar, though I'm not out to everyone, as I don't think people know how to talk to people when you tell them that a lot of the time you are not o.k and can have a struggle to get back to emotional regulation, sometimes for weeks. I find also I need to stim, take breaks from people, probably why a lot of people smoke, I used to even though I hate the smell. If I had known about my condition I could have avoided so many mal-adaptive behaviours! Anyway I felt a lot of emotion and compassion for the community, I used to think I needed neuro-typical more than they needed me, but I understand that isn't the case. They need us too!
Thank you for this video. Very informative and great timing for me. I just realized this summer I am autistic, but work in a spec ed preschool and not only need to deprogram my own ableism, but also help coworkers learn more about what studies are showing of the harm in masking and teaching the kids to mask. One nuerodivergent trait I have is excessive empathy. I cry very easily as a response to what other people are feeling, or music, and have always hated it, or avoided sad situations (books, movies), but have recently decided to not dislike that part of myself or be embarrassed because I cry. I still won't watch sad movies tho.
Oh, I somewhat relate! I have trouble processing my emotions as I needed to cut off from them since young, so whenever I watched stuff (esp. anything involving embracing one’s identity positively…no matter how cheesy!) I’d tear up and have to hide it. In the past years, I’ve only really been able to process if I experience it through others (i.e. music/shows/movies). I feel extremely vulnerable letting others see me cry, and can’t stand being comforted through touch 99% of the time. Crying can be healthy too, so 👍👍
In my humble opinion, the biggest ableism often comes from people who are well meaning. One example... my mother. She is all for inclusion, and wants justice for disabled people, but she thinks that because of me having ADHD and Autism I can't do this or that, it would be too much responsibility... I am 26 and she still has full control over all that which upsets me :(
I relate to this video so much. I feel like no matter what I do people just do not understand my point of view, to the point where I am constantly picking apart and trying to explain on minute detail why I think and act and feel the way I do and it is absolutely soul destroying. Its like I'm ripping my chest open and laying my heart to bear for literally everyone but I don't even know what it looks like cuz I can't bend over to see it. In the process of getting an autism diagnosis at 27 and I'm terrified everyone is just thinking I'm looking for an excuse to be disabled, but I genuinely cannot live my life like this anymore. I'm out of work due to stress and pay, I have no income and have no idea how I'm gonna pay rent and people are still judging me because I'm trying to find a reason why this is happening to me 😅😅
Okay so I’m three months late to this video but, I am supposed to be evaluated by a professional today. It took me until Middle School to understand why my parents didn’t like how dark my jokes were, why I felt as if I wasn’t acting like me, why I covered my ears in distress when people would cheer at my brother’s football games or why I felt like I was an Alien. I love my friends an my parents so, so much even though I don’t say it very often. They are so accepting and are willing to help me figure it out and they as well as this video makes the fear of being called “Fake” or being told I’m “Exaggerating” not go away but a little easier to think about. I swear I almost started crying when you explained it in a way that I was trying to figure out how to do since what feels like forever. Thank you Irene, have a great rest of your day :]
The masking runs deep for some of us autistic people. Love the video (as usual) I want to add for anyone reading comments that this masking can be so heavy it puts us in dangerous situations because we do something called fawning in some cases. (I speak as someone who does this.) This fawning has caused me lots of mental harm yes but also physical harm from other people because "I'm not normal". So when learning to unmask people think you're "more autistic" but in reality you're putting up boundaries that should have existed in the first place.
I was diagnosed as kid. I don't know it was ABA but I went through a lot carrot and stick training. So I hid my autism to avoid getting hit with yard stick which they did when ever I flapped my hands. The carrot was rarely used. Mostly punishments. It built lot shame in me for being who I am. So I never even told my wife I was autistic. So lately I've been hiding it less. Life stresses just make it so hard to hide it. I told my wife about my diagnosis about a year ago. She told me she suspected as she works with special needs kids some whom are autistic. Her therapist even asked her if I as on spectrum. Now that she knows for sure I'm not hiding it from her as much. She said to one day "Why are you becoming more autistic" and responded "I'm I just hid that part me from you as best I could". I do feel a lot more accepted from my wife and closer to her.
Resonated with this soo much! I've found that wearing headphones while out in public spaces calm my sensory overload tremendously and my "person" just doesn't get it and I can feel the constant judgement when they're around. Because of this judgement I've become really distant to the point I don't feel like that's my "person" anymore because I'm tired of masking , I just want to be my neurodivergent self freely without any shame but I still have love for this person , I just feel its safer to love them from a distance. They think there's someone else in the picture but really I'm just uncomfortable being around them now , they don't understand me or care to learn about my neurodiversity so I'd rather be alone.. Isolation has always been my protection
I lost the few friends I had after getting diagnosed and they said this to me. It made me feel broken but I realized those aren’t people I want around me anyways and hope that I’ll make other auDHD friends in the future ❤ you have changed my internal view of myself and the way you talk through things is amazing and so helpful
It made me smile that I had nothing to unbutton to do the "belly breathing" because switching over from jeans to elastic pants is one of the accommodations I unconsciously made for myself a long time ago. For the most part, I still can't bring myself to unmask in public but, when I'm at home, I do feel more autistic because I unmask a lot more, and when I'm completely alone, I can allow myself to stim, which I can't do even in front of my family (because they're super ableist and don't even know - and if it's up to me, will never know - about my diagnosis).
Getting a formal diagnosis is great, unfortunately there's a significant gap in terms of who is autistic versus the DSM 5 definition. The more I've read about the concerns about over diagnosis being used as the basis to remove people from the diagnosis that didn't have a chance to defend themselves, the angrier I get. Overtreatment wouldn't be any sort of issue if there were decent non-ABA treatments covered by insurance. And it would have been so nice to know what my needs were so that I wouldn't have had to spend so much time dissociated. It's a bit of a question right now as to what's going on in addition to the autism, but given the periods of amnesia, I'm starting to question if I'm alone in my own head, or if it's just the result of chronically suppressing my own physical responses to the environment that I've been living in.
The ABA being covered by insurance giiiiiirrrl 😤 in my volunteer time that’s what I do. I get financial aid to (a shit load of services from OB, ortho, derm whatever specialist has seen at our volunteer clinic) and boy howdy. Our psychology group was explaining that shit to me. I was like in this WHOLE university town not one of them ☝️ thought maybe a non traumatic treatment would be good to cover? Thankfully if we’re sending them over they’re being covered by the state or a various number of donations but damn it’s hard to find ANY resources for kids none the less adults. God forbid you’re a low functioning autistic. The university itself is doing a ABA treatment clinical trial right now contacted us like hey well do it for free! Uh no thanks 🙄 our patients need help. Take them grants and shove them up your ass.
I started unknowingly unmasking long before my diagnosis. I was very lucky to have some spaces where it was ok for me to be weird, but I still experienced unconscious biases and micro-aggressions in some of my previous jobs- e.g. co-workers would get away with things that I wouldn't, and people seemed to instinctively not like me. Now I'm freshly diagnosed as of almost 2 months ago at 30. I think of my brain like a computer running a program that requires a lot of processing power, and if it has too many programs running in the background (e.g. masking, background noise), it starts to underperform. But if I unmask too much, sometimes people infantilise me, or I worry that people will think I'm faking it, or I get perceived as rude, unfriendly, sensitive. I have some safe people though.
You hit it right on... Thats exactly what I always hear about myself, that I am a bitch, or have resting bitch face, am difficult to get along with, too loud, coarse, cruel, stand too close, am lazy, laughed at when jokes and sarcasm go over my head. But I taught myself to play several musical instruments and I hear/channel music in my head. I read my Mothers college books at age 8 and understood synapses and biology but had learning disabilities and social anxieties. Parents would not get me help but they did not know then what is known now. I Put up with a lifetime of this treatment. I was often embarassed by having to hide who I was, my voice soul and stims. Then my Mother tells me a 2 years ago, "by the way, I have a learning disability too". What a slap in the face that was! 54 years later I know what I am and I wish I could get formally diagnosed, unfortunately there is no one to do that in this rural area and I dont have the transportation.
I absolutely love this video. I have not been diagnosed with autism, but I have friends who are (or could be) autistic. I find that if I truly love my friends, I understand them and accept them for who they are, neurodivergent or not. I don’t need every single person in my life to stroke my ego for me to feel secure. Sure, if someone snaps at me or hurts my feelings, I have every right to feel frustrated. But to bully someone for literally doing nothing… I find that to be bizarre. It’s important to love people as they are, because that’s what I would want for myself.
I am so glad you unmasked. I think you are very smart, inspiring, wonderful, courageous, beautiful and eloquent as you show up and I'm so grateful for your relatable, informative and enlightening content. It feels like a warm hug to my cognition. You have so much purpose and you deserve to be seen and valued in your full expression. I want to be surrounded by people like you.
Honestly, it is really painful but I am just accepting that us divergents will never be or feel accepted. No matter what, something about us will be perceived as “off”. There is no way for us to understand what it is that normal people do not like about us. It is simply how we are wired so not too much we can do about it. Due to my financial circumstances, I have to continue to mask as much as humanly possible every single day. As you said, with age, this gets increasingly harder to do. I have come to terms that I may never have another partner or friend group again… It is alright, because there is nothing I can do to change these facts of life. I guess people just think so long as we are continuously bullied some day we will just break and learn to be normal like them. Or maybe they feel we are adamantly trying hard to be different on purpose. People with good social skills have been taught at a very young age to single out those who do not - 1) to preserve the strength of their social circles and family lineage, and 2) because of the myth that non-social people are dangerous or crazy. Yes, it is beyond hurtful. But again, this is something that will never change. Day in and day out of our entire lifetimes.
When you started to get visibly upset because of how you used to teach kids how to "not be autistic" I started to get upset too because I've had situations where I've had people ask me why I was tapping or something - I remember one instance was within the past ten years - and at the time I didn't even know what the word 'stimming' was. I didn't know any of these terms which I think are more recent terms. Neurotypical. Neurodivergent. Etc., etc. Or maybe I'm mistaken. All I know is that I hadn't heard of these terms up until the last year or so. Part of me wishes that I had been born perhaps a decade later than I was because then I would have grown up in classrooms with more resources for students - sensory chair things, exercise ball chairs, fidget spinners, etc., etc. But at the same time, I also wouldn't change any of it, because for the most part I loved the classes and the schools that I went to, the teachers, the classmates, etc.
I teared up with you during that ABA section, I’m currently working in this field and as I’ve grown to realize more of myself being AuDHD, and connecting with my clients so well, I feel so much rage towards so many of my higher ups and the expectation that ABA seems to carry, that some parents even hope that their kids will become “normal”. I’ve lost my most paired kid because “we got along too well for the session to be functional” which is just absolutely absurd to me. It’s heartbreaking, these kids are happier being who they are and we should nurture that, and I do. I thought we were only supposed to redirect the maladaptive behaviors, but sometimes it feels like these people don’t see it that way. It’s what’s kept me from leaving, I am trying to make that difference even if it is small and far in between.
I feel for you 🧡 it’s so hard when there’s no definitive way to support disabled individuals the way you’d want to. I hope you can continue to find ways to honor what feels right to you at your job(s)!
Thank you Irene for yet another helpful video!! I finally received my diagnosis for ASD and quite the surprise for myself I also have ADHD. Your videos were a tremendous part in my journey so far and I’m so grateful for what you do. You give me hope and inspiration. Loads of appreciation, a fellow pisces :)
Ohh this video was so touching. I had panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and more recently I discovered an autoimmune disease that was crippling until I learned how to manage it. I learn to mask so well that I thought the pain and difficulty of doing things for me was just part of it. And sometimes I even thought I was weaker than everyone else
This is a very touching video, glad that you were able to share about your experiences. I fail at masking and always unmasking lots. Another thing at work is that, when all of your coworkers are joking laughing and goofing around having fun, but when you walk in the room, and they get all quiet, serious and unamused with you and treat you harshly, such as ignoring you or yelling at you for making mistakes.
When I worked for Verizon, my boss always picked on me. I went along with it because I thought it was a case of "Oh, she thinks I'm cool enough to be friendly like this." No. Not at all. She told me one day, "Myah, who do you think is the most distracted here? We all think it's you." Or I would remove my button-up shirt (wearing a normal one underneath) and being teased for not wanting to get my work uniform dirty during lunch. I also have fine motor issues, I tend to spill food. Another coworker laid into me and making jokes. Paraphrasing this person's words, he basically said, "Damn, you're an adult and still don't know how to eat??" I gave them a nice quiet-quit since everyone wanted to be a dick.
you help me understand myself, to the point even on a physical level. I have fibromyalgia and have had issues for so long with this and didn’t realize I was autistic until I already got my physical illnesses, and had to constantly keep notice of how I was functioning, in every aspect. how I’d fawn for years just to be perceived a certain way. neurodivergent peers around me are who I have always related to most. just to sum it, I’ve never felt so helped and so understood. Thank you xo
Thank you so much for covering this! As an autistic teen, in school potential workplaces I do experience alienation which can have negative effects on my mental and physical health. Your videos are truly helpful, applicable, and insightful for experiences that I go through. :)
Hi, I just found your video and I'm in tears. I recently got diagnosed with autism and you made me feel so comforted through this video. Thanks, thank you so much for this video!
I have come to see myself as UNDE, an Undiagnosed Neuro-divergent Elder. 77 and probably AuDHD, I am especially grateful for your call to be counted by getting the diagnosis. I was late diagnosed with ADHD at 47 so I already counted myself as ND. I want to tell you that you really have a deep vision of this subject and a clear way of providing those insights. Thank you so very, very much!
Just wanna say, you are changing my life. I came across one of your videos and it made everything click. I’ve never felt like I can relate to someone as much as I have in this community. I just feel so safe
I hate the term what do you do for a job and education and look down on that person for not having ‘more’ of an education and or looking down on someone like me for working a retail job. Lack of access to resources is a real problem it makes me want to cry and scream at someone. I have NLVD (Non Verbal Learning Disorder) but feel I have some autistic/ADD traits. I might get re diagnosed. I mask a lot and that is a real social emotional struggle for me. I’ve always felt I’ve had to be people pleasing and over accommodating. Not having the energy is a real struggle. Struggled with this and anxiety and depression and health issues too what a surprise 😢. Thank you very much for being brave and for sharing your story. You have a lot of heart! 💗 I really appreciate you! 🙋🏻♀️Thank you very much for your time and energy I find you video very comforting and reassuring. I’m very touched and moved by your video thank you for BEing you. Your authenticity is refreshing.
Hi Irene! I've recently discovered that I am also autistic. It was quite a revelation at age 42. Your videos have been so profoundly helpful to me. You give me hope and comfort. 2 things I truly have never had in my life. Thank you so much for creating such amazing content. You have absolutely changed my life.
Timing on this couldn't be more on point. My company sent out a reminder for mandatory training regarding the Neuroscience of Inclusion. In the beginning, they touched upon how important it is to be inclusive of everyone including those with visual and non-visual disabilities (yes, they consider autism a disability). Yet when they go into examples of how to make other feel more inclusive...it completely illustrated how they again are only looking at it from a neurotypical frame of mine. They actually were highlighting some things that autistic people have a tendency of doing as "bad" versus being "good" more inclusive. Like how you should say good morning to all of your colleagues (good) or multitasking when you should be listening (bad). Both of those things I fail at. I only say good morning to colleagues I know and I often get in trouble for multitasking when they think I should be listening...yet they don't realize that I did listen, and my multitasking is me seeking understanding while that person is explaining something to others that I don't need to pay attention to because I already understood what they said. It was so disappointing that they used "Neuroscience" in the title yet only continued to heap the shame on Neurodivergent for not contorting for the sensitivities of the Neurotypical.
I worked in an airport and the training we had for what to do if we saw a sunflower lanyard (indication of invisible disability) was to get very close to face level and wait for eye contact….
I've found 3 branches of strategy to fend off the cycle of burnout. Increase awesome to increase resilience. Prevent or mitigate suck to avoid stress accumulation. Shed stress that's already there - through alone time, special interest engagement, stimming, exercise.
Hi I know that this video was made a year ago but I just watched it because 2 years ago I got diagnosed with autism and lately I’ve been accepting it and finding out more about things that affect me and your videos really help me I saw this was hard to talk about for you but you did amazing I relate so much to you thxx for everything
Gosh, I have literally been worrying about this ans having an outside perspective has been really helpful! I do feel like I've been acting "more autistic" since I discovered that I was (not officially diagnosed). I find myself zoning out (more), not recognizing certain social cues (or at least noticing that I might be missing something), sensory issues, and stimming. But I've also noticed some important things like why I would always feel burnt out, and my depression was actually shutdowns from excessive stress and often when I feel overwhelmed I go nonverbal, but I'm always in situations that required me to speak (or y'know just existing around my toxic family) and being forced to speak while trying to cope with immense stress would just make things worse. I realize that me "acting more autistic" is just me becoming more of who I really am after 2 decades of dealing with neglect and abuse and masking my true self just to survive. I'm glad to have discovered this community and finding people that understand how difficult life can be for people who are perceived as "different"
Pardon my language, but FUCK this whole video hit so hard. Thank you so much for making this---teared up at multiple points because you put into words so many suppressed feelings and experiences that it's near-impossible to talk to non-autistic people about, even ones who know you well and try to be well-meaning as allies but keep policing behavior / making rude and unfair assumptions, etc. I'll be saving this into a private playlist to come back to whenever I need this validation again. Thank you, thank you, thank you, seriously. I wish you all the best.
thank you for everything irene. you are the brightest sun ray in my life right now, in my first week of self discovery and learning about my autism. you bring light inside me for the first time, where it was pitch dark for the longest time, and where i couldn’t find answers for so many questions i had about myself. neurodivergence visibility is so important. it saved me. thank you all for a beautiful community i never knew existed and never knew i needed. ❤️
Your point about research is the first good reason I’ve heard to get diagnosed. I will seriously think about it… Just finished the video- WOW- I needed this right now! I can’t express how much it means to me to hear that I’m not alone in my experiences ❤
Thank YOU. so much resonance. so grateful for your content. i love how you share we are FINALLY being authentic rather than "performing" more. I was at a work training and someone said neurodivergent people have fragile egos- and that really just activated me. I offered the reframe of highly sensitive and highly invested but it took me a day or so to shake that interaction off, specially as it was coming from someone with ADHD. I noticed there is almost a hierarchy that those who are still highly masking for survival want to recreate (sometimes I catch myself in this space) and it can be so harmful to navigate as a community. Also, I worked in ABA and through that experience I felt so witnessed by the neurodivergent clients and got so burnt at the fact that therapy was to stop behaviors rather than accessing the tools to meet the needs of the client and provide sensory relief or mindfulness techniques for regulation.
I am a late diagnosed autistic. My mom didn’t know how to deal with it, so instead of letting me be the way I am she was always guarded and always said 3 phrases. “Grow up” “Act your age” “Stop acting like a child” So since I was diagnosed I have been masking. Now that I have had a talk with my mom I am trying to unmask, but I don’t even know how to since I have been masking for over 15 years now.
This was really tough to watch, but every time I found myself getting distressed I would tune into the birds chirping in the background and feel better. 😊
I’m an undiagnosed autistic so I don’t know for sure this is an autistic trait, but one thing I don’t hear talked about very often is - autistics not being able to make eye contact when they’re talking, but being able to look/watch another person directly in the eyes when that person is talking. Idk if that makes sense 😅 but I saw someone talk about it a while ago, and it hit me hard because I definitely do that. Before seeing that conversation, I didn’t think I was “autistic enough” because I can look people in the eyes at certain times but not others during conversations. I’m still very worried this might hinder me getting a diagnosis if the doctors see I can make some eye contact (although I know there’s a lot more symptoms/signs that go into a diagnosis as well), but still seeing someone talk about that made me feel a little more understood and valid. Anyways that was my little share 😅 thank you so much for creating this video and allowing me to find a community where I feel really at home - where I can be myself ❤
In the part talking about the workplace I feel it so much, I'm currently looking for jobs and internships and so many of them require "communication skills" that are probably built for neurotypicals. I find myself having to lie that I love this kind of interaction while I'm feeling stressed but know they're the "normal" and valued thing to do...
I suffer from sensory overload daily in my new job and I feel sad and misunderstood when people compliment me for the version that maskes so much. Just how much people accept me for surpressing me. Also bullying is a very real problem of mine in the workplace. It feels so unfair that I don't even know why the bully me at times
I don’t remember where I heard this (or I would cite it), but something that stuck with me deeply is that ✨you don’t accept autistic people unless you accept autistic behaviors *with or without* knowing someone is autistic. ✨
It makes me so sad to know that sometimes acceptance only comes when outwardly identifying yourself as autistic. So many people say they accept autistic people (and maybe they do), but reject autistic behaviors.
This.
Thisbis exactly what I've been trying to explain in regard to my ex-manager, who's a real self-satisfied piece of shit. Her ego couldn't take it, but I'm the one who ended up on the receiving end of everything. Currently planning an appointment with a workers' rights attorney with a whole file of proofs and all to settle that and make sure she doesn't get to have a career in our company, regardless of whether or not the company likes it (I already warned them I am ready to alarm the unions at the slightest wrong move from their part).
The worst part is people trying to dissuade me from revenge. Nah man, I've had to deal with this bullshit my whole life without having the possibility and power to retaliate. Now I can and it's nuclear revenge time.
This is something I'm stuggling pretty hard with these days. I'm fairly confident I do have some form of Autism Spectrum Disorder, but I can't get an actual diagnosis yet because I have no money and am struggling to get a job. My IRL friends - including the first people to actually sit down and talk with me about the possibility that I might be autistic! - continue to expect me to be able to do the things they can do with no issue. Things like "you're probably not gonna get a job unless you talk to a recruiter" - when talking to A) a person I don't know, that B) is explicitly in the role of judging and evaluating my abilities, is terrifying and overwhelming to me to the point of shutdown.
Every NT believes they would never bully someone who was disabled or who had autism, yet they do it all the fucking time.
Thank you for commenting this, and thank you Irene for the video. I’ve never been diagnosed as autistic and I don’t know if I fit the criteria but the video resonated with me so much, it really touched my soul.
Do I need a diagnosis or a label for people to stop judging me and questioning me? Why can’t we just live and let live? The world is in desperate need of enlightenment and compassion. I felt so seen and understood watching this video
I try to ask my mom questions about my childhood and she always tell me I was such an obedient child and a good child and now she says I’m not obedient and became depressed, and that I talk my mind too much. I wish she would understand that I was going through a crisis. I wasn’t just depressed I was questioning my whole identity and life.
She also told me I didn’t speak much, and that I was into art since I was in kindergarten and it báncame one of my Interests , I went through burnout at the end of my senior year everything changed the routine that I had everyday was gone.
Same
The "you're a good girl" obedience thing was a huge part of my childhood and "behaving" was a really narrow set of things I had to force myself to do. It took all my energy. Took so much away from me. And now that I'm diagnosed and letting go all of my internalized "BEHAVE BEHAVE BEHAVE OR YOU WONT BE LOVED" thing is really hard. But the days I feel like I can just...BE (which involves stimming and talking a lot) I am more energetic, helpful, vibrant, alive. But I can feel the high masking skill snapping onto my face and suffocating me in certain situations. I'm definitely someone who "looks more autistic" after the diagnosis and I can tell a bit more when people think I'm "really weird" and that definitely...like...hurts at times. But it doesn't hurt as bad as locking it all up and pretending to be a different way.
@@sirathena literally SAME I started not caring about what others think anymore and started being myself more and speaking my mind more and I’ve been on the journey of unmasking we got this ⭐️
Same! I asked my mom about the same. She couldn't list any unique characteristics except I listened, was quiet and smart. But I think she thinks I'm smart not because I am but because I never challenged her and always overcompensated by helping her emotionally like an adult
I have pushed myself SO far out of my comfort zone, clueless about why I was treated differently and trying to overcompensate for people just not liking my personality with extra effort...
I see this pattern appearing since elementary school, and it has followed me throughout my life...
Thank the systemic oppression of ableism for that neurotypical bullshit. All of society in general is inherently ableistic. 🙃
I can relate so much. For me that started with my family when I was really young and continued through every relationship in my life until I really fell in love for the first time and I realized that I couldn't continue to hide myself so much because he would never be able to love me for who I really am if I did.
"Permission to be myself" is a phrase I identify with so much. Like after I found out I am autistic, I really just understand a framework for my instincts. I still struggle with my yesses and nos but I can tell so much now when it rips energy out of me. It is amazing that just a framework, a diagnosis, gave me something to work from and understand myself.
I have never been able to explain “I don’t want to die, I’m not chemically depressed. Life is so depressing and I don’t know how much longer I can do it.” I am finally accepted as an adult woman to be assessed for autism under my insurance in six weeks and everything has come into frame for me. I am trying to educate myself on my internalized ableism and I clicked on your video to listen to while I drive. 18 minutes later I’m pulled over crying in a parking lot. All I can say is thank you. I’m sending this to my loved ones so they can better understand. Thank you.
I just have the unfortunate problem of my friends or loved ones not having the patience to deal with any autistic traits. I'm incredibly patient (most of the time) with the physical needs and mental needs of the people in my life but i find that i rarely ever receive that energy back. I was thrown into the acting world at age 8. It helped me learn how to mask to a degree that keeps from ever truly knowing myself.
Sending love my friend. I wish that people who think I’m too much effort, only knew how much effort I was putting into understanding and getting along with them as well.
my positive neurodivergent trait is that my joy and excitement for my special interests is unrivaled, and while it is impossible for me to contain it, the people in my life love the energy that I spread when I’m lit up 🤩☀️🥰
As a child, I was often baffled by adults' obsession with appearances and other people's opinions. They tried to explain it, but I wasn't getting it.
But because I needed to feel emotionally safe in my home, when my parents felt I had misspoken or behaved oddly, I would try to correct for it. But I am not able to know what people are thinking and feeling sometimes if they try to hide it or don't tell me how they like to be treated.
So I got really good at guessing when people might be upset by something. Out of every five things I could have done wrong, I guessed a hundred ahead of time so that I could correct them. That's a lot of brain energy, and it developed into an anxiety disorder.
And now, as an adult, I still feel like caring about appearances is dumb. I care how stuff looks to me and I care if my loved ones feel comfortable, but it's no longer just my job to figure out what they want. I try to guess a little, and they try to communicate, and if they say they don't mind, it's not my job to disbelieve them.
I used to stim a lot as a kid, especially when I was scared or anxious, but it was… “disciplined” out of me by my mom and stepdad. Now that I no longer live with them, I find myself stimming again. I finally feel safe enough to do so.
My neurodivergent trait is, I talk like a book! One of my special interests has always been writing and that’s how I speak out loud :D sometimes to mask, I try to use more informal language and slang, but I don’t like to do that.
I am the same way. I speak very proper and book-like. I have a really hard time using slang and short language, even nicknames.
@@borderline2K I'm the same!
I love audiobooks… I’ll bet I would love how you both talk. My friend talks with such clarity and it is so pleasant to hear them.
The consistent feedback I get from others (specifically work) are:
“Oh my gosh! I never would’ve known you’re autistic, you hide it so well!”
Or
“So we’ve noticed you’ve been lapsing on some tasks and communication, and we are just concerned and want to check-in”
Which leads me to feeling like I either have to perfectly mask or apologize for when I can’t avoid burnout or have the energy to fake my feelings/mask. When all I want to do is find more and more safe spaces to unmask and be myself. I just want the things I do to process and be comfortable to be as accepted as others, especially since I’m not hurting anyone.
Thank you so much for these videos. I can’t tell you how much it has helped me accept myself and process my adult diagnosis. Thank you for being here.
Fully agreed ❤
I really, really resonated with the "appearing more autistic" sentiment. Not exactly the same situation, but due to being AFAB with comorbidities that are common misdiagnoses for autism in girls, I have been suspecting in recent years that I may be autistic. I didn't even realize how much I masked even around my own family until I left for college and lived with roommates that accept me for who I was, no matter how I presented or spoke. Suddenly I was constantly buzzy, couldn't stop moving, always always talking and I felt so *free*. I grew up Mormon, and as AFAB there were strict expectations put on me to be quiet, submissive, still, to be delicate; it's no wonder I had to mask as a child. Just like my other comorbidities/diagnoses, I am good at masking them because I had to be. I'm grateful I now have the time and space to learn how to unmask and be myself, surrounded by people that appreciate me for me and not my ability to appear normal. Thank you for your informative videos as always!
I’m exmormon and self disgnosed as audhd at 45. I can relate.
workplace cliques are definitely a problem. Some supervisors ignore it.
I grew up with the autistic diagnosis and noticed i would often get babied and talked down to the second they figured out i was on the spectrum. Which really just reinforced masking for me to the point it started to affect me both mentally and physically.
I don’t know if a video on this subject has been done before but a video about neurotypical and systems that can be misguided or mishandled in their attempts to help support people on the spectrum which could lead to more harm than good.
And thanks for the continued research and education on autism being brought to a wider public, you are changing lives 👍
Fully understand
Its literally so embarrassing when they start to treat you like a child. The worst part is that they probably think they’re being a nice person instead of realizing how patronizing it is.
Agreed to all these comments. We could seriously write a book about how inherent and systemic ableism is, and all the ways it's oppressive to neurodivergents. From the micro-aggressions such as the condescension & patronization, to the constant judgement, to the outright constant of being FORCED into neurotypical standards/expectations, the outright BULLYING if we don't mask perfectly (even from other neurodivergents who have internalised ableism) which leads to social trauma, etc.
I was on a call once to get my diagnosis and the call was very normal, then she asked who the testing would be for. The second I explained it was for me she started baby talking to me. It was so funny I had looked at my roommate who could hear it and we both almost started laughing because it was such an obvious change.
The thing is….. why does a human need a diagnosis to be respected? Like why??? If someone says I can’t concentrate without earplugs on and their job doesn’t involve constant communication, why can’t they just use the earplugs? That’s just one example but it’s extremely dehumanizing in my opinion to bash anyone that’s not “normal” when no one is. We’re all slightly different people. And life would just be easier if we were all honest and listened to eachother on things that aren’t even hard to accommodate for eachother. Like what gives
Agreed, people shouldn't need a diagnosis to get basic respect and compassion
Around the 30 min mark when you said your coworkers probably felt like you deserved the mistreatment… that hit like a ton of bricks. I’m currently going through that at my job. I always think to myself, if they just knew I was neurodiverse (I don’t have an official diagnosis yet) they might treat me a whole lot better and it honestly makes me sad
Like Irene i got targeted by my family. Because i wouldn't hang out with them when they think yelling at me is ok. Belittling me for being gluten free is totally ok with them, not with me though. No I am not doing it to get attention, just to avoid intense stomach problems.
My difference as an autistic positive is i am highly empathetic with animals and people. I will rock it this week.
i don’t have a diagnosis but people often say i’m probably autistic and watching this i realized that i always felt annoyed by people who didn’t hide the way they feel like i do, i’ve been ableist to people that just wanted friends and i don’t know if it was because i was jealous by the way they could stim or be themselves without shame or because i thought that’s been like that will make me fit better with other people. I wish i was a better person to them.
Tomorrow will mark my first week since getting diagnosed with autism at 26 years old. You, as well as Megan (from "I'm autistic, now what) need to be credited for the awareness you gave. I got the intuition back in 2021 when I started working with autistic kids and finally got around to making an appointment and taking the tests.
Anyway.
The headphones example hits very close to my heart because I got noise cancelling headphones because of noisy neighbours and it changed my life. Now that people know I have autism, I can wear them "proudly".
Thank you again. Take care
I to got it at 26 11 yrs ago😊
Good! It really makes a difference at the grocery store 🫡 I remember I started doing that before I was diagnosed because I just kept freaking out and leaving and feeling like a weirdo for abandoning ship mid bread aisle. I wasn’t used to living in the city so I was essentially went from the woods where it’s quiet to getting sensory overload all the time. Headphones are a blessing 😇 finding those other things to prevent burnout will save your soul dude
Great comment. I was diagnosed yesterday and your words are helpful. Thank you.
Ugh, I love headphones SO MUCH!! I just wish they didn't sometimes crunch the cartilage in my ears or create gross buildup. I just want to wear headphones forever with no consequences ;_;
sometimes my autism feels like at my school everyone is in this group chat and there all connected and they all get the inside jokes, except i’m not invited. i’m not in the group chat and i’m trying to navigate conversations where i feel im excluded.
Sadly my favorite personal trait is so often taken for being a know-it-all. It brings me great joy to absorb information and share it. I have found that my gauge for a healthy workplace environment involves whether coworkers put me in the "standoffish know-it-all b*tch" category or the "quiet but kind human encyclopedia" category. I've always been socially excluded by coworkers no matter what, but healthy ones at least treat me well while at work.
This video more than anything has made me realize I should not feel bad for requesting reasonable accomodations for my ASD because neurotypicals require TONS of accomodation in social situations: reading body language, picking up on voice tone/hidden meanings in speech, and requiring constant reciprocation of unnecessary pleasantries are all things neurodivergents are constantly having to do to appease people.
I love myself
I trust myself
I honour myself
I value myself
X100 😊
I realise the one and only time I've been fired in my adult life (in addition to the issues I'd had with managers and coworkers) was because I reacted in a way that was unacceptable to neurotypical expectations. Basically an incident happened where I fully took responsibility for what I had done wrong but wouldn't accept things they decided to tack on to justify firing me (immediately after they'd tried to sack me for my long term illness and got schooled because I know my rights).
For a long while, I felt wronged and couldn't verbalize why because I didn't have the language and understanding I do now. In my appeal response, they said they were upholding the decision because I "didn't show remorse" and that stuck with me because I fully accepted where I was in the wrong so the idea that I didn't show remorse was just a slap in the face. I realise now that they wanted me to just quietly accept the things they said I did and be sorry for those and, because I knew I didn't, I wouldn't, so I wasn't playing the game their way.
It's horrifying to really think about because that's literally been my whole life: feeling like I'm playing a game no-one taught me the rules of and being penalised for breaking rules no-one told me existed. 😩
No but actually tho...
How can you be 'remorseful' for something YOU DIDNT DO????
That's just straight up gaslighting.
same. Before I watched my first video about autism I already stopped trying to be "normal". I listened to my body.
I am personally DESPERATE for a meaning/definition of autism divorced from "Social difficulties". It's clear to anyone keeping up with lived experiences that there's something way more fundamental below that surface assessment.
Seems to me, based also on the shared ADHD overlap research, that it's primarily a sensory difference that then leads to, essentially, distractions from learning the same stuff others do by attention regulation tuned to other humans/social feedback instead of pure sense experience, resulting in differing brain shapes/chemistry.
My friend and I have been trying to figure something out for years. Because as someone recently diagnosed with ADHD and he was diagnosed with Asperger’s when it was still being used years ago we always noticed that it came back to that as almost a reflection on NT people on ND. Which is fine or whatever but isn’t an accurate definition. I mean if you look inside a window you could not give me a mental tour of a home 😅. It’s like asking my friend about what he thinks when he uses an utensil versus my husband. My husband has about maybe 3 things he can think of max about a spoon, my friend and I can write a dissertation 😅. When I meet autistic people who cannot mask or who experience low functioning autism. They are people and clearly have a sense of enjoyment and a different way of thinking. I wonder if we stopped trying to push them into mold through NT eyes if we could have them and their loved ones experience a much better understanding and more joy? I think about how many autistic children and adults I have treated and how most of the programs they are using are aimed at having them reach a NT persons goals and it makes me super sad dude because even if someone makes that goal they’ll never be what they’re being marked against and I feel that’s super shitty. Like asking a lobster to grow to be a race car.
I love the idea of one day having a definition made by a committee of Autistic people about autism! ❤
Edit: I forgot my friend and I both now work in healthcare so we are like wtf within our own system. Sorry guys we do try 🥲 it don’t even work with us on our or our patients needs.
Look into the monotropism theory 😊 When I found that it all made sense
@@grandmasgopnik9642yeah, having an ND reach an NT's goals about how to be is just another way ableism in society in general is systemic and inherent to almost all neurotypicals. I'm just done with how rampant the ableistic oppression is.
I have no idea if my perspective is useful here but I'll give it a go. One of the criteria I remember before my assessment was about truth and justice. NDs seem to be much more inclined to expressing the truth, in a society that values lies/fake/make up/plastics and where most people mask. The problem, as I see it, is that the masking is just more painful for the ND community and we get hyper stressed from both losing our authenticity AND being even more pushed to be "normal" from birth.
Sensing truth is an ability and when we repress all of that and our true selves we experience that as chronic stress and social anxiety.
Not being real creates a real shit show and we come off as socially maladapted- - to a society that is sick and false.
End note is that learning to sense "the energy" of a person plus establishing healthy boundaries helped me a lot. I believe that NDs more often than not take in energies a lot more (which is why I personally can't look well into people's eyes all the time, then I take in everything.)
I feel like it's a processing difference and the social difficulties part is just a secondary symptom that comes from the fact that the way we feel and understand (sense) things is fundamentally different from the way NTs do. Not to mention the physical differences that are often present some of which tie in with the sensory stuff. Basically we're just built different and that predisposes us to a lack of mirroring which starts a chain reaction to all this other stuff but people characterize it as social difficulties cause that's what they can see and make sense of easily.
One mask that I wore for a long time was the "laughing at things that are funny to the group but are not even mildly amusing to me" mask. Now I am consciously aware of when my face begins to tighten at the "It's time to laugh" cue. Now something has to be legitimately funny to me to provoke a laugh. I no longer laugh at what the group laughs at (if I don't find it funny). Now I am willing to be perceived as a robot. I don't care. (Of course I say that I don't care, but truthfully, there's a reason why I'm a recluse.)
I’m nearly crying while watching this. In my current environment with narcissistic parents who seemingly tick off every single box you mentioned in this video, I am forever grateful that people like you exist.
And I’ve never been more serious in my life for saying that; I am an autistic artist/animator with a set of parents who think my mental boundaries/priorities just don’t exist. I genuinely don’t know why, but they are refusing to allow me to stand my ground and accept that I am not perfect and that I simply operate and process things so differently from them and what feels like everyone else on the planet…
So sorry you’re going through that! I hope that when you have the chance to move out, you really prioritize yourself and get some therapy for all that bullshit! Wishing you lots of peace in whatever form it can take in the meantime ❤
I have always felt misunderstood but never really considered it could be linked to my autism. It is a comfort to know that I’m not the only one that has been bullied for being different. I have been compared to Wednesday adams ever since the show came out because I am very flat and blunt and show my care for others through ribbing that is often taken by others as me being a narcissist. I have been accused of stealing far too many times in my life even though I have always been a very good kid. As a child I was so confused and hurt that everyone assumed I was a criminal and assumed so many nasty things about me when I don’t even talk to them. I have overheard people call me crazy (which especially hits hard because I now have psychosis) dont even get me started on how many times I’ve been called a b*tch by people I haven’t even met. I also have noticed people acting even worse to my low functioning peers. I will meet random classmates in my school and somehow they always find a way to talk about a low functioning classmate in particular (we’ll call her Sam for simplicity sake) at any dull moment in a given conversation. These people will tell me about how weird she was when they once again HAVNT EVEN MET HER. There are so many nasty rumors about her that I hear all the time, many of Sam going against her religion. I see her all the time, she loves her religion, all she ever does is try to be as nice as possible to people. She is not my friend and I don’t really intend on having a friendship with her because I honestly don’t think I would have the patience for her. It breaks my heart though to see her being bullied so much and still keeping her kind soul in tact despite the relentless hate she gets. Yes, she’s a little off, yes, she doesn’t know when the right time to say things are, yes, she can be awkward. NONE OF THESE ARE REASONS TO TREAT PEOPLE THIS WAY. I feel that there is a huge stigma around people like us. I do not think it can be lifted in our lifetime but it is never too late to start. Thank you for bringing light to this and helping me realize I’m not the only judged fish out of water lol
I agree! I've never understood why people feel it's ok to be mean and hateful to someone, just because they're different than the norm. I was bullied all throughout my school years, and it was very emotionally painful to feel like I was hated for something I couldn't help. I didn't (and I still don't) know how to "be" any other way than how I am. Throughout my life, I've had so many issues with bosses and co-workers, similar to what Irene described.
I'm at a point now where I have isolated myself, because it is too painful to be around other people. I'm tired of being misunderstood, and I'm tired of being disliked for who I am. I wonder if this is what is meant by "autistic shutdown"? I don't know, it's been going on for almost a year now, I don't seem to be able to interact with the world anymore.
Even though I am a female people compared me to the character of UrkeI when I was a kid. Because I was very nerdy and people thought I was a know-it-all. I didn't think I was superior to anyone I just loved learning and wanted to share what I knew. I didn't know how to do that without being annoying I guess.
Why when we are autistic do we often seem to annoy people without even trying? I feel like I am innately annoying. How can I be less annoying without masking? I am not that great at masking anyways.
@@Catlily5 god you just described my life
@@wayfaringspacepoet Sorry that you went through that as well.
@@Catlily5in my experience, it’s because people are not willing to be responsible for their own feelings and speak up when they feel annoyed. Instead, they hold it against you secretly (or not so secretly spreading rumors behind your back).
If people said, “I’m really tired and need quiet right now” or “when you make that noise, it triggers my misophonia, do you mind doing something else when you are around me?” and that kind of communication, we could all coexist. But our society has so many assumptions about how everyone “should know how to act,” instead of being responsible for understanding themselves, their own behavior, and interactions with people.
Why are we, the ones with the supposed “social deficits” required to acclimate to their illogical, arbitrary rules? Why can’t they put down their privilege for a minute and see how easy it is for them to communicate (compared to us and THEIR DEFINITION of us), and do it! Instead of expecting us to read their minds, even though these rules change from culture to culture. Direct communication does not change from culture to culture.
Abled people don’t want to be inconvenienced, and disabled people pay the price.
One thing about seeking treatment, acceptance, and understanding is how isolating it becomes when you never had a good familial or social support system to begin with.
This process revealed to me how alone I am. Every time there’s a disagreement with family, friends, etc the one take away is that I’m: 1. Wrong 2. Purposefully ignoring the feelings or needs of others. And I know for a fact that this isn’t true because I’ve always been a people pleaser. I want to maintain peace more than anything even at my own detriment.
My family won’t even confront their own mental health differences yet when I speak about mine, they use my bad days or certain behaviors (keeping to myself, oversleep, etc) as an attack on them. It’s so tiring to navigate I just hope in the future, neurodiverse children won’t have to grow up in unsupportive environments wondering what’s wrong with them.
I'm not officially diagnosed, but after about 6 months of extensive research, I'm certain I'm autistic.
To the people who think we're putting on an act... we're not, we're putting off an act - an act we've had for our entire lives
A big problem for us austistics is that we are living in an ever increasingly narcissistic world. Most allistics are never going to get it, concerning the struggles that we go through. They don't have any point of reference. It's like trying to explain to someone who was born blind the color green. It's simply impossible. And unfortunately for us since we only make up 1 or 2% of the population, allistics can afford to be ignorant and indifferent to our needs.
Using the term « narcissistic » can be very harmful for people who are diagnosed with npd and even ableist
- an autistic person ❤❤❤
@@emmakaram9490they’re two different things. narcissism still exists as a personality trait, NPD being a condition doesn’t take that away or make some ableist by calling someone who is self-absorbed and controlling narcissistic without having the full blown personality disorder. just like some people can have autistic traits, but not be autistic. Narcissism and NPD just happen to share the same word to describe what they are.
yes, narcissistic wasn’t appropriate to use for all allistic people, but narcissists do exist outside of NPD.
@@KyaazoiI’m sorry I’m just sick of people using terms like « crazy », « psycho » or « mentally ill » and who are against autism stigma !
@@violettepastel7198 and that's completely fair and valid.
I dont understand the harm or ableism. If the phrase narcissism describes someone's behavior accurately, what's the harm? I do think people just throw around the term without knowing what it means pretty often but if the boot fits, I dont think its wrong to call a horse a horse so to speak. NPD or not, the ways that people who display narcissistic traits treat other people is often pretty indefensible.
I have recently been coming to terms with my ASD after a fairly traumatic social experience. I’ve always known I was different but its only in the last few years that I have really started to understand it. I’m not sure why but for the first time that I can recall I’ve been experiencing sensory issues, in particular, I’ve found crowded places and synthetic smells like you might find in a shopping centre distressing. It feels like being a small child on the edge of tears.
I had a lot of barriers to get a diagnosis as an older adult where I live. I had to go through so many hoops. I have gotten the ‘more autistic’ comment. I was like this as a kid, I was not a masking autist until I was in my late teens and had to work with people for a paycheck. I developed scripts to get through these jobs, and came home and pretty much crashed in a bed. Your story is so much like mine. I did not care about having people like me starting in my 30s. I feel that if someone either likes me or dislikes me. I am not and done chasing after friends. I have a few close friends, and this is all I need. As for acceptance with family, that is something to me that is morally correct. My sister-in-law as soon as I came out as AuDHD, she cut me off. The girls (my nieces) were not encouraged to overnight with us, no more taking the girls to the zoo, or the local aquarium. To take the kids out for a day. She is a helicopter mother, I get that. However, I helped raise nieces and nephews with my family back home. Not once had any kid in my care have witnessed me with a meltdown. Or terribly disregulated. I am really hurt by her attitude. I got so mad once, I said what the rest of the family was witnessing, her 8 year old having ADHD. Stating that maybe you should learn because she exhibits all the signs of ADHD, maybe more, but I did not mention that. The way she is about Autism, no way can I tell her that I believe that daughter is AuDHD. I hope though it is just ADHD. It was after she just pushed my buttons one too many times with the ‘i do not like autism’ that I just finally after 4 years of this treatment, it was enough. I do not care about ableism, I get it. I do get it thrown at me at university where I am trying to finish my thesis, I just get called lazy and not worth the effort.
Or get this, she is a nursery school through 5 years of age here where I live in the EU. She is really cruel to her daughter when she melts down, or stims. I feel for the kids she has to work with on a daily basis. Because at least 2 of the kids she works with are neurodiverse.
My parents called me “Miss B” from like age 6+ and I thought it was because of my last name at the time. It used to embarrass me, but I didn’t really know why. Turns out is stood for ‘bitch’. I was a very emotional and overwhelmed kid, hyper-sensitive to my environment. My step sister wrote in a Christmas card when I was 10 that “even though I could be a real bitch sometimes, she hopes I have a Merry Christmas” and when I was 20, my brother mailed me a rap that he wrote for my birthday based on how much of a bitch I am-my whole life has been peppered with how other people perceived me-really how they misjudged/misunderstood me. It was always a surprise to me when I got this “feedback” because I spent my every waking moment trying to fit into what everyone else wanted from me, thought so HIGHLY of everyone else and embraced their quirks so warmly and easily. I was 29 before realizing that I’m actually Autistic.
Thank you for this video, Irene! It’s as if you spoke my words for me. I’m so grateful to you. 🙏🏼
I work in ABA as a late diagnosed autistic and I teach BCBA’s and coworkers about Autism and that we need to allow them to be themselves. My current client literally told me to stop trying to act different and just be myself. I love my job and I want to educate the ABA world that we don’t need fixing we just need guidance and support to be our best selves.
My therapist today told me a story about how he as a child would cover his ears, scream and repeat a certain phrase whenever a fire drill happened in school and how they ACCOMMODATED HIM by telling him when a fire drill was gonna happen
Then proceeded to say that was completely normal
The first session he told me "well based on your eye contact alone blah blah blah blah, i do that also blah blah blah"
Buddy, youre just as autistic as i am🗿
Ive been able to read at a level FAR above all of my peers since i could remember and all he had to say was "well seems like you just suffer from being smarter than everyone around you"
My guy i STRUGGLED in school in many different ways and ONLY enjoyed the more physical hands on electives like woodshop and strength and conditioning yet reading at a college level IN 6TH GRADE IS NORMAL!!! WHAT!!! WANTED TO PULL MY HAIR OUT
Wtffff😊
Precocious speech and reading is common in twice exceptional autistics. I spoke 3-5 word sentences since I was about 1 years- 18 months. Then full sentences at 2.
Started reading newspapers and magazines, figuring out the words based on some of the phonetics of letters I had been taught and just filled in the blanks with my verbal vocabulary, figuring out the rest of the phonetics from about 4-5 years old. I remember I'd use words like "technically,' (a lot, I said it so much, it ticked off my sister) and be dismissive of my sister being muttering under my breath, "complete idiocy,", at 5 years old.
My older sister on the other hand is average intelligence and needed speech therapy to annunciate her words correctly at 6 years old. She's not autistic though as far as I'm aware. I'm in the process of assessment, and my brother has been diagnosed since he was 7 (I knew since he was 2 but didn't know the name for it, I just knew he was like me in some ways, just a whole lot stupider).
I wanted to read more complex material as a child and teen, but also had a psychologically and verbally abusive home situation, so I escaped through fantasy novels. I wish my teachers had noticed, because I was very BORED during school. I wanted a challenge I could spend all day concurring alone, rather than move from topic to topic, even if it was in the same order of subjects in primary. It was very destabilising. I just wanted textbooks and unlimited library access. And someone to understand I was not normal even if I had two arms two legs and a steady heartbeat, didn't mean I wasn't struggling as a twice exceptional.
Oh no! You can get a different therapist, surely!
This was a much needed conversation. If you ever have time, I hope you can also cover how early childhood trauma (or trauma, in general) ties into the masking phenomena (for both neurotypical & divergent) as a means of survival.
I grew up shoving a lot of my childhood neglect under the rug and I’m paying for it BIG time in my adult years.
I know this is going to sound weird but I was drawn to your channel and decided to watch your video. I just wanted to say that you have a very calming presence and I can tell that you're a gentle/pure soul. I wish you the best on your journey to healing from childhood trauma. We need more people like you in this world. 🙏
@@nikola2812 Thank you, kindly.
Whew, this one hurt! I don't want to be disrespectful and insert myself into the autistic experience, but boy in regard to ableism am I right there with you. Society can't handle "different". People are literally programmed to attack whoever stands out and its so reflective of how much love lacks; but I will say it felt so good as a CPTSD sufferer to embrace my limitations and stop trying so hard to fit a mold that wasn't shaped for me. I am liberated and living authentically and that's a lesson that anyone who watches your channel can also take away. Thank you for this video! Also, I'm proud for what you and the autistic community have overcome to survive such a harsh world until now and I'm proud that you spread awareness. ❤️
thank you for talking about this. People need to call out mental and physical ableism which can look like bullying or even lead to abuse.
I currently have no interest in being diagnosed but I fully support everyone who goes through that process. Thank you for making these videos
I've always thought that considering someone as rude and/or mean is incredibly narcissistic. That person might be perfectly cordial with you, however something in their tone, or the way they speak, or carry themselves offends you. It reminds me so much of Seven of Nine, from Voyager. Everyone considers her rude and is intimidated by her, when she's perfectly polite with her wards, essentially.
It's super frustrating and hurtful that we're not allowed to be ourselves. This year has been really illuminating with all the deep dive research I've done on autism/ADHD/PDA/misophonia, and it explains so much. It cuts deep when others make remarks and demands of, "Just do this," or "Why can't you just do this? It's easy!" (i.e. one of my friends recently told me, "Just don't focus on the noises. Just don't think those thoughts and focus on the positive.") It's like, I literally would if I could. I try so hard, but no matter how hard I try, I never seem to be good enough. I've always known that I was abnormal, but I never knew why. I was always so exhausted when dealing with others, always preferring to be alone or with cats. Didn't help that others always declared me to be weird (or in elementary school kids labeled me as stupid because I was quiet).
The judgments have always been brutal. Society at large misunderstands you and mistreats you. School, work, family, social situations, etc. are so challenging. I didn't realize I've been experiencing burnout my whole life. People seemed upset that I didn't follow social norms. I never understood why people can't say what they mean and mean what they say. I've always tried to do what felt right t me, but it never seems to be acceptable to the world at large. Looking back, I've been masking my whole life in attempt to be safe in this world. It has not been okay to be myself, and my family has been super critical of me. I constantly feel like a horrible person, and I get the struggle of staying true but not being accepted or disregarding how I feel to not get attacked (whether emotionally, verbally, or physically). I haven't been diagnosed officially, and it feels like it wouldn't be all that acceptable for those around me and cost too much (finances have always been a major struggle).
Thank you for talking about this. I feel like being late diagnosed high masking autistic has in some ways made me more ablist. I have been pretty dismissive of accommodations in the past because I could definitely use the help, but I push thru without so I expect others to do the same. I am not saying this is good. Pushing thru has been horrible for both my mental and physical health. I am steadily unlearning a lot of internalized ablism. I'm just trying to convey that because every day is a struggle to get thru I can be a bit judgemental when someone is given different lighting or headphones or breaks or whatever the need is. My knee jerk can be: wuss, suck it up; it doesn't matter if it hurts. It's something I'm working on unlearning.
I've had similar kinds of workplace bullying situations myself. And a lot of it came from women. They are far more social and adept at this kind of passive type of aggression.
I’m too much of a “people pleaser” as a part of my job (a medical professional that cares for military members), and I’m approaching burnout.
I’m going to start cutting back and listening my my needs more.
32:30 I daydream a lot. Like, a lot. Imaging that me and my peers are characters from a franchise I love helps me motivate myself to, ironically, be present in the moment when I'm happy, cause it's not just me I'm living this moment for, it's these characters I love, and weirdly, that helps me practice my own self love. There are also times when I struggle to focus on a task I dislike or have had previous bad experiences with, and I recognize that me zoning out completely is a way my brain tries to save myself the stress. It also helps me know when to quit and come back later sometimes, as if I try and push past the feeling, I'll end up feeling even worse and more drained and the work will turn out horrible and I'll be dissatisfied with it, ultimately wasting more time and energy than I should've when I could've just gotten a snack then returned to the task with a clearer mind instead. I know that for others, their lack of focus can be a real problem, but for me, I think it actually helps me get through my tasks quicker and more efficiently. Probably because I learned on my own to accept it and use it to my own advantage from a very young age.
I'm a super high masking person. When I got my diagnostic and did stimm for the first time in years, I cried out loud because it was so good and I felt like I'm in my own body again after so long. I have no words to describe how important this moment was for me and I feel that now, little by little, I'm reconnecting with me.
my job security is being threatened even as I type this now because I am newely diagnosed at 30 years old and a single mother and the people I work with are NOT aware of masking and how my neurodivergence really plays out ..I just see my job slipping through my fingers and have no idea how my daughter and I will continue on but I can't take it anymore so thank you for allowing me to feel seen through this video!!!
Long before suspecting I am Autistic, I began wearing my earbuds *all, the, time* … for it occurred to me one day: my mood was “better” and my days went a little “better” when I simply didn’t remove them in between therapy sessions, listening to some music or content, etc
It was such an awesome and beneficial realization… and one that I know many who suspect/have been diagnosed can attest to - and why one might suddenly start wearing headphones everywhere. I happened to discover the benefits by accident, but many might just be leaning into the suggestion to wear them to cut down on noise stimulation.
** I don’t enjoy that feeling of ‘buds “plugging” my ears, but I also don’t enjoy supporting the weight of headphones, nor feeling claustrophobic with them over my ears.
5:12 I haven't finished the video yet, but this describes my situation so much. I'm so used to going somewhere quiet to meltdown in private that, even if I slip up and have one in view of someone, my parent keeps denying that i might be autistic, or at least neurodivergent. It's like they can't handle the thought that i need accommodation and I just need to 'act right'.
NTs: You need to stop being so rigid with your thought and behavioral patterns and expectations of society!
Also NTs: *Expects us to conform to their rigid thought and behavioral patterns and expectations of society rather than working with us to create better support networks containing more square holes for us to square pegs to fit in to since we struggle to fit in to their round holes*
Us: Guess we'll just stay chronically unemployed, alone, and infinitely more likely to die at young ages then...🤷
Emotional throughout, because of how much I connect and feel understood. I have constantly been fed and come to believe that I am the one who needs to fix themselves.
I love this message. I'm dyslexic and suffer C-PTSD, and other things I like the term neuro divergent, so much easier. The discrimination is very similar, though I'm not out to everyone, as I don't think people know how to talk to people when you tell them that a lot of the time you are not o.k and can have a struggle to get back to emotional regulation, sometimes for weeks. I find also I need to stim, take breaks from people, probably why a lot of people smoke, I used to even though I hate the smell. If I had known about my condition I could have avoided so many mal-adaptive behaviours! Anyway I felt a lot of emotion and compassion for the community, I used to think I needed neuro-typical more than they needed me, but I understand that isn't the case. They need us too!
I can relate to this so much. I feel like if I get caught doing certain things, I’m going to be accused of, like, appropriating “real autism”.
Thank you for this video. Very informative and great timing for me. I just realized this summer I am autistic, but work in a spec ed preschool and not only need to deprogram my own ableism, but also help coworkers learn more about what studies are showing of the harm in masking and teaching the kids to mask. One nuerodivergent trait I have is excessive empathy. I cry very easily as a response to what other people are feeling, or music, and have always hated it, or avoided sad situations (books, movies), but have recently decided to not dislike that part of myself or be embarrassed because I cry. I still won't watch sad movies tho.
Oh, I somewhat relate! I have trouble processing my emotions as I needed to cut off from them since young, so whenever I watched stuff (esp. anything involving embracing one’s identity positively…no matter how cheesy!) I’d tear up and have to hide it. In the past years, I’ve only really been able to process if I experience it through others (i.e. music/shows/movies). I feel extremely vulnerable letting others see me cry, and can’t stand being comforted through touch 99% of the time. Crying can be healthy too, so 👍👍
In my humble opinion, the biggest ableism often comes from people who are well meaning. One example... my mother. She is all for inclusion, and wants justice for disabled people, but she thinks that because of me having ADHD and Autism I can't do this or that, it would be too much responsibility... I am 26 and she still has full control over all that which upsets me :(
I relate to this video so much. I feel like no matter what I do people just do not understand my point of view, to the point where I am constantly picking apart and trying to explain on minute detail why I think and act and feel the way I do and it is absolutely soul destroying. Its like I'm ripping my chest open and laying my heart to bear for literally everyone but I don't even know what it looks like cuz I can't bend over to see it. In the process of getting an autism diagnosis at 27 and I'm terrified everyone is just thinking I'm looking for an excuse to be disabled, but I genuinely cannot live my life like this anymore. I'm out of work due to stress and pay, I have no income and have no idea how I'm gonna pay rent and people are still judging me because I'm trying to find a reason why this is happening to me 😅😅
Okay so I’m three months late to this video but, I am supposed to be evaluated by a professional today. It took me until Middle School to understand why my parents didn’t like how dark my jokes were, why I felt as if I wasn’t acting like me, why I covered my ears in distress when people would cheer at my brother’s football games or why I felt like I was an Alien. I love my friends an my parents so, so much even though I don’t say it very often. They are so accepting and are willing to help me figure it out and they as well as this video makes the fear of being called “Fake” or being told I’m “Exaggerating” not go away but a little easier to think about. I swear I almost started crying when you explained it in a way that I was trying to figure out how to do since what feels like forever. Thank you Irene, have a great rest of your day :]
The masking runs deep for some of us autistic people. Love the video (as usual) I want to add for anyone reading comments that this masking can be so heavy it puts us in dangerous situations because we do something called fawning in some cases. (I speak as someone who does this.) This fawning has caused me lots of mental harm yes but also physical harm from other people because "I'm not normal". So when learning to unmask people think you're "more autistic" but in reality you're putting up boundaries that should have existed in the first place.
I was diagnosed as kid. I don't know it was ABA but I went through a lot carrot and stick training. So I hid my autism to avoid getting hit with yard stick which they did when ever I flapped my hands. The carrot was rarely used. Mostly punishments. It built lot shame in me for being who I am. So I never even told my wife I was autistic.
So lately I've been hiding it less. Life stresses just make it so hard to hide it. I told my wife about my diagnosis about a year ago. She told me she suspected as she works with special needs kids some whom are autistic. Her therapist even asked her if I as on spectrum. Now that she knows for sure I'm not hiding it from her as much. She said to one day "Why are you becoming more autistic" and responded "I'm I just hid that part me from you as best I could". I do feel a lot more accepted from my wife and closer to her.
Resonated with this soo much! I've found that wearing headphones while out in public spaces calm my sensory overload tremendously and my "person" just doesn't get it and I can feel the constant judgement when they're around. Because of this judgement I've become really distant to the point I don't feel like that's my "person" anymore because I'm tired of masking , I just want to be my neurodivergent self freely without any shame but I still have love for this person , I just feel its safer to love them from a distance. They think there's someone else in the picture but really I'm just uncomfortable being around them now , they don't understand me or care to learn about my neurodiversity so I'd rather be alone.. Isolation has always been my protection
I lost the few friends I had after getting diagnosed and they said this to me. It made me feel broken but I realized those aren’t people I want around me anyways and hope that I’ll make other auDHD friends in the future ❤ you have changed my internal view of myself and the way you talk through things is amazing and so helpful
It made me smile that I had nothing to unbutton to do the "belly breathing" because switching over from jeans to elastic pants is one of the accommodations I unconsciously made for myself a long time ago. For the most part, I still can't bring myself to unmask in public but, when I'm at home, I do feel more autistic because I unmask a lot more, and when I'm completely alone, I can allow myself to stim, which I can't do even in front of my family (because they're super ableist and don't even know - and if it's up to me, will never know - about my diagnosis).
Getting a formal diagnosis is great, unfortunately there's a significant gap in terms of who is autistic versus the DSM 5 definition. The more I've read about the concerns about over diagnosis being used as the basis to remove people from the diagnosis that didn't have a chance to defend themselves, the angrier I get. Overtreatment wouldn't be any sort of issue if there were decent non-ABA treatments covered by insurance. And it would have been so nice to know what my needs were so that I wouldn't have had to spend so much time dissociated.
It's a bit of a question right now as to what's going on in addition to the autism, but given the periods of amnesia, I'm starting to question if I'm alone in my own head, or if it's just the result of chronically suppressing my own physical responses to the environment that I've been living in.
The ABA being covered by insurance giiiiiirrrl 😤 in my volunteer time that’s what I do. I get financial aid to (a shit load of services from OB, ortho, derm whatever specialist has seen at our volunteer clinic) and boy howdy. Our psychology group was explaining that shit to me. I was like in this WHOLE university town not one of them ☝️ thought maybe a non traumatic treatment would be good to cover? Thankfully if we’re sending them over they’re being covered by the state or a various number of donations but damn it’s hard to find ANY resources for kids none the less adults. God forbid you’re a low functioning autistic. The university itself is doing a ABA treatment clinical trial right now contacted us like hey well do it for free! Uh no thanks 🙄 our patients need help. Take them grants and shove them up your ass.
I started unknowingly unmasking long before my diagnosis. I was very lucky to have some spaces where it was ok for me to be weird, but I still experienced unconscious biases and micro-aggressions in some of my previous jobs- e.g. co-workers would get away with things that I wouldn't, and people seemed to instinctively not like me.
Now I'm freshly diagnosed as of almost 2 months ago at 30. I think of my brain like a computer running a program that requires a lot of processing power, and if it has too many programs running in the background (e.g. masking, background noise), it starts to underperform. But if I unmask too much, sometimes people infantilise me, or I worry that people will think I'm faking it, or I get perceived as rude, unfriendly, sensitive. I have some safe people though.
You hit it right on... Thats exactly what I always hear about myself, that I am a bitch, or have resting bitch face, am difficult to get along with, too loud, coarse, cruel, stand too close, am lazy, laughed at when jokes and sarcasm go over my head. But I taught myself to play several musical instruments and I hear/channel music in my head. I read my Mothers college books at age 8 and understood synapses and biology but had learning disabilities and social anxieties. Parents would not get me help but they did not know then what is known now. I Put up with a lifetime of this treatment. I was often embarassed by having to hide who I was, my voice soul and stims. Then my Mother tells me a 2 years ago, "by the way, I have a learning disability too". What a slap in the face that was! 54 years later I know what I am and I wish I could get formally diagnosed, unfortunately there is no one to do that in this rural area and I dont have the transportation.
I absolutely love this video. I have not been diagnosed with autism, but I have friends who are (or could be) autistic. I find that if I truly love my friends, I understand them and accept them for who they are, neurodivergent or not. I don’t need every single person in my life to stroke my ego for me to feel secure. Sure, if someone snaps at me or hurts my feelings, I have every right to feel frustrated. But to bully someone for literally doing nothing… I find that to be bizarre. It’s important to love people as they are, because that’s what I would want for myself.
I am so glad you unmasked. I think you are very smart, inspiring, wonderful, courageous, beautiful and eloquent as you show up and I'm so grateful for your relatable, informative and enlightening content. It feels like a warm hug to my cognition. You have so much purpose and you deserve to be seen and valued in your full expression. I want to be surrounded by people like you.
Honestly, it is really painful but I am just accepting that us divergents will never be or feel accepted. No matter what, something about us will be perceived as “off”. There is no way for us to understand what it is that normal people do not like about us. It is simply how we are wired so not too much we can do about it.
Due to my financial circumstances, I have to continue to mask as much as humanly possible every single day. As you said, with age, this gets increasingly harder to do. I have come to terms that I may never have another partner or friend group again… It is alright, because there is nothing I can do to change these facts of life.
I guess people just think so long as we are continuously bullied some day we will just break and learn to be normal like them. Or maybe they feel we are adamantly trying hard to be different on purpose.
People with good social skills have been taught at a very young age to single out those who do not - 1) to preserve the strength of their social circles and family lineage, and 2) because of the myth that non-social people are dangerous or crazy.
Yes, it is beyond hurtful. But again, this is something that will never change. Day in and day out of our entire lifetimes.
When you started to get visibly upset because of how you used to teach kids how to "not be autistic" I started to get upset too because I've had situations where I've had people ask me why I was tapping or something - I remember one instance was within the past ten years - and at the time I didn't even know what the word 'stimming' was. I didn't know any of these terms which I think are more recent terms. Neurotypical. Neurodivergent. Etc., etc. Or maybe I'm mistaken. All I know is that I hadn't heard of these terms up until the last year or so. Part of me wishes that I had been born perhaps a decade later than I was because then I would have grown up in classrooms with more resources for students - sensory chair things, exercise ball chairs, fidget spinners, etc., etc. But at the same time, I also wouldn't change any of it, because for the most part I loved the classes and the schools that I went to, the teachers, the classmates, etc.
I teared up with you during that ABA section, I’m currently working in this field and as I’ve grown to realize more of myself being AuDHD, and connecting with my clients so well, I feel so much rage towards so many of my higher ups and the expectation that ABA seems to carry, that some parents even hope that their kids will become “normal”. I’ve lost my most paired kid because “we got along too well for the session to be functional” which is just absolutely absurd to me. It’s heartbreaking, these kids are happier being who they are and we should nurture that, and I do. I thought we were only supposed to redirect the maladaptive behaviors, but sometimes it feels like these people don’t see it that way. It’s what’s kept me from leaving, I am trying to make that difference even if it is small and far in between.
I feel for you 🧡 it’s so hard when there’s no definitive way to support disabled individuals the way you’d want to. I hope you can continue to find ways to honor what feels right to you at your job(s)!
Thank you Irene for yet another helpful video!! I finally received my diagnosis for ASD and quite the surprise for myself I also have ADHD. Your videos were a tremendous part in my journey so far and I’m so grateful for what you do. You give me hope and inspiration.
Loads of appreciation, a fellow pisces :)
This video needs to go viral its so important
Ohh this video was so touching.
I had panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and more recently I discovered an autoimmune disease that was crippling until I learned how to manage it.
I learn to mask so well that I thought the pain and difficulty of doing things for me was just part of it. And sometimes I even thought I was weaker than everyone else
This is a very touching video, glad that you were able to share about your experiences. I fail at masking and always unmasking lots.
Another thing at work is that, when all of your coworkers are joking laughing and goofing around having fun, but when you walk in the room, and they get all quiet, serious and unamused with you and treat you harshly, such as ignoring you or yelling at you for making mistakes.
When I worked for Verizon, my boss always picked on me. I went along with it because I thought it was a case of "Oh, she thinks I'm cool enough to be friendly like this." No. Not at all. She told me one day, "Myah, who do you think is the most distracted here? We all think it's you." Or I would remove my button-up shirt (wearing a normal one underneath) and being teased for not wanting to get my work uniform dirty during lunch. I also have fine motor issues, I tend to spill food. Another coworker laid into me and making jokes. Paraphrasing this person's words, he basically said, "Damn, you're an adult and still don't know how to eat??" I gave them a nice quiet-quit since everyone wanted to be a dick.
you help me understand myself, to the point even on a physical level. I have fibromyalgia and have had issues for so long with this and didn’t realize I was autistic until I already got my physical illnesses, and had to constantly keep notice of how I was functioning, in every aspect. how I’d fawn for years just to be perceived a certain way. neurodivergent peers around me are who I have always related to most. just to sum it, I’ve never felt so helped and so understood. Thank you xo
same here 🥹💖
Thank you so much for covering this! As an autistic teen, in school potential workplaces I do experience alienation which can have negative effects on my mental and physical health. Your videos are truly helpful, applicable, and insightful for experiences that I go through. :)
Hi, I just found your video and I'm in tears. I recently got diagnosed with autism and you made me feel so comforted through this video. Thanks, thank you so much for this video!
I have come to see myself as UNDE, an Undiagnosed Neuro-divergent Elder. 77 and probably AuDHD, I am especially grateful for your call to be counted by getting the diagnosis. I was late diagnosed with ADHD at 47 so I already counted myself as ND. I want to tell you that you really have a deep vision of this subject and a clear way of providing those insights. Thank you so very, very much!
Just wanna say, you are changing my life. I came across one of your videos and it made everything click. I’ve never felt like I can relate to someone as much as I have in this community. I just feel so safe
I hate the term what do you do for a job and education and look down on that person for not having ‘more’ of an education and or looking down on someone like me for working a retail job. Lack of access to resources is a real problem it makes me want to cry and scream at someone. I have NLVD (Non Verbal Learning Disorder) but feel I have some autistic/ADD traits. I might get re diagnosed. I mask a lot and that is a real social emotional struggle for me. I’ve always felt I’ve had to be people pleasing and over accommodating. Not having the energy is a real struggle. Struggled with this and anxiety and depression and health issues too what a surprise 😢. Thank you very much for being brave and for sharing your story. You have a lot of heart! 💗 I really appreciate you! 🙋🏻♀️Thank you very much for your time and energy I find you video very comforting and reassuring. I’m very touched and moved by your video thank you for BEing you. Your authenticity is refreshing.
As an adult my health insurance won't diagnosis. I would have to pay $1000 to get someone to tell me what i already know.
Hi Irene! I've recently discovered that I am also autistic. It was quite a revelation at age 42. Your videos have been so profoundly helpful to me. You give me hope and comfort. 2 things I truly have never had in my life. Thank you so much for creating such amazing content. You have absolutely changed my life.
Timing on this couldn't be more on point. My company sent out a reminder for mandatory training regarding the Neuroscience of Inclusion. In the beginning, they touched upon how important it is to be inclusive of everyone including those with visual and non-visual disabilities (yes, they consider autism a disability). Yet when they go into examples of how to make other feel more inclusive...it completely illustrated how they again are only looking at it from a neurotypical frame of mine. They actually were highlighting some things that autistic people have a tendency of doing as "bad" versus being "good" more inclusive. Like how you should say good morning to all of your colleagues (good) or multitasking when you should be listening (bad). Both of those things I fail at. I only say good morning to colleagues I know and I often get in trouble for multitasking when they think I should be listening...yet they don't realize that I did listen, and my multitasking is me seeking understanding while that person is explaining something to others that I don't need to pay attention to because I already understood what they said. It was so disappointing that they used "Neuroscience" in the title yet only continued to heap the shame on Neurodivergent for not contorting for the sensitivities of the Neurotypical.
that sucks 😕 do you have any kind of worker representative that you could safely bring feedback to?
@@birdeynamnam Not at this time, especially since I don't have any official diagnosis. They will just assume I'm being difficult.
I worked in an airport and the training we had for what to do if we saw a sunflower lanyard (indication of invisible disability) was to get very close to face level and wait for eye contact….
@@melissabennett6571 Do any of the people that create these training programs ever even talked to a person with autism?
@@melissabennett6571 Oh no that's terrible! I'd immediately want to run off if someone was to try that on me.
“Legs up the wall” yoga pose at least 5 minutes a day is a good way to regulate anxiety-prone nervous system
Oh cool.! Thx for the tip😊
Aschwaganda is a supplement that lowers cortisol, it helped me a lot with anxiety.
@@carlpanzram7081 I take that, too, and it helps. Magnesium too
I've found 3 branches of strategy to fend off the cycle of burnout. Increase awesome to increase resilience. Prevent or mitigate suck to avoid stress accumulation. Shed stress that's already there - through alone time, special interest engagement, stimming, exercise.
Also Rhodiola Rosa helps with systems too. Good for Autism, NLVD and PMDD.
Hi I know that this video was made a year ago but I just watched it because 2 years ago I got diagnosed with autism and lately I’ve been accepting it and finding out more about things that affect me and your videos really help me I saw this was hard to talk about for you but you did amazing I relate so much to you thxx for everything
Gosh, I have literally been worrying about this ans having an outside perspective has been really helpful!
I do feel like I've been acting "more autistic" since I discovered that I was (not officially diagnosed). I find myself zoning out (more), not recognizing certain social cues (or at least noticing that I might be missing something), sensory issues, and stimming. But I've also noticed some important things like why I would always feel burnt out, and my depression was actually shutdowns from excessive stress and often when I feel overwhelmed I go nonverbal, but I'm always in situations that required me to speak (or y'know just existing around my toxic family) and being forced to speak while trying to cope with immense stress would just make things worse.
I realize that me "acting more autistic" is just me becoming more of who I really am after 2 decades of dealing with neglect and abuse and masking my true self just to survive. I'm glad to have discovered this community and finding people that understand how difficult life can be for people who are perceived as "different"
Pardon my language, but FUCK this whole video hit so hard. Thank you so much for making this---teared up at multiple points because you put into words so many suppressed feelings and experiences that it's near-impossible to talk to non-autistic people about, even ones who know you well and try to be well-meaning as allies but keep policing behavior / making rude and unfair assumptions, etc. I'll be saving this into a private playlist to come back to whenever I need this validation again. Thank you, thank you, thank you, seriously. I wish you all the best.
I started crying about 3 seconds before you did, and then when you started crying and I heard the pain in your voice, it struck my heart 😭
thank you for everything irene.
you are the brightest sun ray in my life right now, in my first week of self discovery and learning about my autism. you bring light inside me for the first time, where it was pitch dark for the longest time, and where i couldn’t find answers for so many questions i had about myself.
neurodivergence visibility is so important. it saved me.
thank you all for a beautiful community i never knew existed and never knew i needed. ❤️
Your point about research is the first good reason I’ve heard to get diagnosed. I will seriously think about it…
Just finished the video- WOW- I needed this right now! I can’t express how much it means to me to hear that I’m not alone in my experiences ❤
Thank YOU. so much resonance. so grateful for your content. i love how you share we are FINALLY being authentic rather than "performing" more. I was at a work training and someone said neurodivergent people have fragile egos- and that really just activated me. I offered the reframe of highly sensitive and highly invested but it took me a day or so to shake that interaction off, specially as it was coming from someone with ADHD. I noticed there is almost a hierarchy that those who are still highly masking for survival want to recreate (sometimes I catch myself in this space) and it can be so harmful to navigate as a community. Also, I worked in ABA and through that experience I felt so witnessed by the neurodivergent clients and got so burnt at the fact that therapy was to stop behaviors rather than accessing the tools to meet the needs of the client and provide sensory relief or mindfulness techniques for regulation.
I am a late diagnosed autistic. My mom didn’t know how to deal with it, so instead of letting me be the way I am she was always guarded and always said 3 phrases.
“Grow up”
“Act your age”
“Stop acting like a child”
So since I was diagnosed I have been masking. Now that I have had a talk with my mom I am trying to unmask, but I don’t even know how to since I have been masking for over 15 years now.
This was really tough to watch, but every time I found myself getting distressed I would tune into the birds chirping in the background and feel better. 😊
I’m an undiagnosed autistic so I don’t know for sure this is an autistic trait, but one thing I don’t hear talked about very often is - autistics not being able to make eye contact when they’re talking, but being able to look/watch another person directly in the eyes when that person is talking. Idk if that makes sense 😅 but I saw someone talk about it a while ago, and it hit me hard because I definitely do that.
Before seeing that conversation, I didn’t think I was “autistic enough” because I can look people in the eyes at certain times but not others during conversations. I’m still very worried this might hinder me getting a diagnosis if the doctors see I can make some eye contact (although I know there’s a lot more symptoms/signs that go into a diagnosis as well), but still seeing someone talk about that made me feel a little more understood and valid.
Anyways that was my little share 😅 thank you so much for creating this video and allowing me to find a community where I feel really at home - where I can be myself ❤
In the part talking about the workplace I feel it so much, I'm currently looking for jobs and internships and so many of them require "communication skills" that are probably built for neurotypicals. I find myself having to lie that I love this kind of interaction while I'm feeling stressed but know they're the "normal" and valued thing to do...
I suffer from sensory overload daily in my new job and I feel sad and misunderstood when people compliment me for the version that maskes so much. Just how much people accept me for surpressing me.
Also bullying is a very real problem of mine in the workplace. It feels so unfair that I don't even know why the bully me at times
Thank you for having this conversation, please know its OK