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I had to make the same decision back in 2016. My children don't have relatives anymore & that was the hardest part of all this. It took me years to accept they have something better.. the peace of God
"You cannot allow them to transfer their feelings into you"- My therapist several years ago. I must work harder at this, not just with family, but people in general.
61 yrs old and spent my life focusing on others to exhaustion and detriment of my own needs. Now as an exhausted 61 yr old I am going to learn how to care for ME too. It’s very late in life but I’ll try
@@Rolanda-Doe.1126 the kids and the spouses of them & the kids from them. It's just us. Otherwise I'm the same as you. Been a long learning process, I've always been looked at as strange or something. But I had the most accomplished until my wife ran off with a destitute sweetalking boyfriend. I had to file, so divorced now. That is hard since she was the one.
True about haircuts. My 20yr old long, frizzy haired sister had a smart, layered hair cut for an inportant interview for a job. When narc mother saw it she walked away. I had to be the mother and tell her it was a great haircut. She got the job and left home 🎉🎉🎉
@@jerrywise Dr Jerry Wise, can you help me with the most toxic "people",who WANT to i go in psychoterapy to their private LIKE THEM "therappists",but i want TO FOCUS ONLY ON MY EMOTIONAL SELF'TRUE RECOVERY...Thank for your help and advice and hope!!!Yes they are the PARASITES IN THE HUMAN BODY.😅
@juliej1520. WOW ur a great sister. Congrats for that. These things the parents do is so hurtful. So glad ur sister left. I went no contact permanently from my family of origin many years ago. I also was the designated scapegoat which is just too much. I WAS DONE. Blessings to you.
If you're trying to change them, you won't. It took me a while to realize, the biggest thing I was trying to change was "THEIR PERCEPTION of ME." One of the most liberating things was something a psychologist said, "When you're around them, you can be the crazy one, so what." This triggered me at first but I knew she was right in some way. I kept ruminating on this: "BUT I'M NOT THE CRAZY ONE ... THEY NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT!" But that's just it. IT'S THE ROOT OF IT! It's their perception of me that I was trying to change and their perception is theirs, not mine. This fact was something I wasn't taking ownership about. Once I did, it was a major step out of this strange and mostly subconscious codependent pattern I had. I realized their perception is their free will, even if it's their perception of me. Perhaps, 'especially' when it's their perception of me, lol! "I'll be the crazy one today. So what." This turned out to be a huge liberator. At some point, I say it to myself, whenever I'm around my family. It was a process, but I have found a great deal of calmness through this saying. Hopefully you find some clarity in it as well.😅
It keeps us enmeshed and looking for validation in orders. When you realize you don't need to be validated by others, and that what you feel/think/believe is what matters.. We can start to heal. We `think that we should just defend and explain ourselves in order to make them change their perception, but in the end, t's what they want. They want us to seek them and their validation and not believe in ourselves. Talking to these people is a WASTE of time, because they ARE NOT GENUINE..... THEY DON'T CARE! It's the same with trolls and bullies. They will make fun of you and if you defend yourself their typical response is "I don't care/who cares" and just laugh. It's not genuine, they are just trying to bully. I also came to realize that if people really cared about you and your/our side, then they would at least ask for our side, instead of saying we are this and that, which makes us defend ourselves. They don't care enough to ask, so why should we have to explain? Instead we just think it's something wrong with us, or just trying to ignore their bs, or "move 9n from the abuse because nothing will be done for it(neglect)..... Instead ,we need to realize that these people aren't good people and look at them negatively. We are the ones who are always looked at negatively and having to "r`epair the relationship that they broke, but blmaed us for breaking... IT's like we alwys have to be sorry in order to get them to be "normal," it's always on us, never on thme... ENOUGH+!` ~I'm not going to be "The crazy one" for them, because I DO not want to be around them. Why should we allow others to treat us poorly and just take it? we took it our entire lives, it's ENOUGH already. ~My entire life I would make excuses for my father's bad behavior because "If only he knew...." Guess what, 20-25 years later and "if only he knew' became "I'm sorry[... Lets move on towards the future..... I'm not going to change....." Meanwhile "You did this in the past so you must have done it now" when "I did it in the past" was made up and a lie by mom or something and it's being used for 30 years as "you did this in the past." This is why you cannot deal wit these people. It's ALWAYS an accusation, ALWAYS blame. For example, I normally get a little water out of our filter. EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to fill the water, if dad is in the kitchen, Dad has to say "did you use up all the water" or "is there any water left." I will get to it and it will be almost empty, but it's like they are just blaming me for it being empty. Yesterday he said "did you use all the water," and I just said"please stop blaming me for taking some water it's not a big deal, and it was empty when I got to it." and he was saying how I take things the wrong way and this and that.... No, if i don't like what you're doing, please stop. IT's always an argument, always me who's crazy and weird and sensitive and takes things the wrong way. Sure, what he says overall isn't a big deal, but it's when it's EVERY DAMN DAY/TIME I FILL THE WATER(I don't fill my jug often), it gets annoying. Being told I'm "Taking all the water," and to refill it if it's empty is annoying. If he wants to refill it, he can take a jug of water and fill it up. Why constantly ask me? It's ALL about control. Never letting there be peace... He always has to say something. Maybe I'm so fking tired and angry of constantly being asked about the water, because it's just another control thing for him. IF YOU WANT TO CHECK THE WATER, DO IT YOUR FKING SELF FFS.` If he sees I'm taking water, and he thinks I'm taking too much... How hard is it to just add more? I remember one time he said that if I take too much I should refill i tor something, and I showed him and said I don't take much. I'll take like 1/8th of a gallon or something, the filter holds 2 gallons........ He thought I was taking more at the time. Even so, why FKING COMPLAIN ABOUT IT... TAKE ACTION AND REFILL. This is what happens when they are mentally a child and cannot just act instead of commenting. I also got angry because I KNEW he would ask me... He just got into the kitchen and i just wanted some water and I knew he would compain about it and was hoping to just get away from it... Sure enough ."You're taking all the water." That just makes you rage when you don't want it to happen and it does.... It's like he doesn't even know how he speaks. It's the way you say it. Blaming me for it. IT could be said so many other ways. and the thing is, sure to others it would be 'no big deal," but again when you have to deal wit the dysfunction, telling them to please not comment on it, or just having to "ignore it" it gets tiring. It's like a fly/mosquito buzzing around and you just sit there until you cannot take it and start swatting at it, and then it starts buzzing more. It just makes us fking crazy and instead of trying to do better, they comment on it and call us sensitive and weird. In general, he will blame me for something and i will say "stop blaming me" and he will say 'I'm not blaming you" when he just blamed me for something... He either doesn't know wtf he's doing and saying, or just is a liar constantly.. He lies and is hypocrite a lot, hence why I could never really trust him. I've loved him for a long time trying to make it work, but I could never trust him when things got bad or I needed him for something, because he never really did what I wanted or asked and would just avoid, push it to mom, etc, etc... Especially if mom said something, that was the "Final verdict." So very sad. This is what happens wehn you're a know-it-all, don't ask your children for their side, and only punish them based on what your wife says, while never listening to what they say, or care about what they say. This creates MASSIVE trust issues. fml.
@@AlvinKazu I would get my own water filter system or move out. I don't know your dads' age, but could he have some form of dementia? I totally understand the mosquito analogy- when you know what they are going to say before they say it. Don't depend on these control freaks as much as it is possible on your part not to. Don't give them that power...or just fill it to the top everytime you use it & take the wind out of his sails,lol.😅
@@AlvinKazuwhen I have visited my mother which is not going to happen anymore, she literally does the exact same thing with the water filter.. even though I fill it everytime. It’s absolutely nuts. All about some weird control.
My father passed away when I had gone no contact. I did grieve, but now I know that I was grieving for a relationship that I never got to have with him, and not really grieving him at all. It was difficult in the moment, but I would still be no contact if he were alive today.
I just heard today that my narc mom died. I don’t really feel anything. I’ve spent the previous year learning about narcissism…grieving for months for what I wanted and needed and never got. I’m an old lady. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in that system. I have a good life. So much to be grateful for.
I bless the day I talked with a work colleague about this problem in my family. Although I was scared initially, she explained to me what a narcissist was, and it was as if a spotlight came on in my brain. I had thought that a narcissist was someone who just stopped by every mirror to admire themselves, but by the time she had finished my eyes were well and truly opened and I read every book I could lay my hands on. As it appears that there seems to be an epidemic of this kind of behaviour, and because they do so much harm, we need to be prepared.
Children of narcs find that an identity of their own doesnt come naturally. Our identity is to supply. We are as separate from a narc as the narc's arm or hand is separate. 🎉🎉🎉
I so wish at least one of the two of my parents weren't an adult child. I know my mom means well but she lies to herself. And gets mad when others won't go along with the lies. And then my dad is just malicious and evil. I randomly thought about him in June didn't realize it was Father's Day and I sent him a text. He told me he thinks we'll be in contact soon. I haven't seen or talked to him since summer of 21 other than that text last month. I promised myself the only time I would ever talk to him again is in a therapist office. He twisted my words and added so many lies he said what he needed to say to get my sister to not want me around my niece. Mistakes happen but flat-out lying and making up falsehoods. that's up there with unforgivable until someone really does apologize. I'm 31 years old and dealing with extreme chronic pain from failed surgeries. I've had to cut all the unnecessary and necessary stress out of my life. One after another. None of my relations supported me during my surgeries and they definitely didn't help me heal. #CRPS #atypicaltrigeminalneuralgia
One of my very best and oldest friends has that. But you are absolutely right about the lies. My father died. He was my "protector." And my mother has turned my sister against me. My niece is a bargaining chip and blackmail. And I love her! She's about to start Kindergarten, and I can't even FaceTime with her. It hurts. I'm sorry you're experiencing that, too. But you absolutely need to focus on you and your health. It's impossible to battle your body, doctors, Social Security, etc AND them as well. Lots of luck and healing to you.
One of the most hardest, challenging and craziest thing here is might be quite alone with seeing through the narcissist bevaviour and their pattens and than other people have no clue whats going on when they meet this person or get to know him/her. And you have to somehow open up about it and find a way to carefully expose the drama-comic theatre play. Very challenging.
For the longest time I didn't understand that part of co-dependency is basing our mood off of how the other person is feeling. Once I understood that I could accept I was codependent and start to heal. This has been a very helpful channel. Thank you ❤
😮uh😅 when i took my aging mom in, I was 48--and we actually had a mini fight because she kept wanting to cut my hair back into the "Moe" (a la 3 Stooges), most likely because she just wanted me looking dumb again... 😂
My mom did that crap to me also. She always dressed me up in the ugliest outfits and gave me horrible haircuts but my sister got all the dresses and frills..😂😔
Yes, she used to try to dress me in what were old guy clothes in those times, i don't mean adult clothes, they were just this side of a nursing home old guy clothes. I knew what the deal was even at that age, I would have been bullied mercilessly at school and she knew it. Never gave an inch and within a year I had paper rounds/jobs and bought my own clothes which brought it's own drama (of course).
@@valariemetzger861 Yes, or always a boy's hairstyle as a child bc I had dark wavy hair, whereas my 2 younger sisters always had longer styles bc they had blonde hair like my mum. Envy is a real thing even from parent to child. 😮
@@valariemetzger861Oh wow! The ugly clothes! I am 48, and I don't know who she's buying these for because I never wear them. She'll ask my size, and buy me two sizes larger. She buys colors she knows I won't wear because "Well, I just thought you might want something that wasn't black!" And they're just inappropriate. Like she wanted me to be a paralegal (not a lawyer, obvs), so she buys me office clothes. I'm a copywriter! I wear yoga pants "to work."
I need much more work on inner boundaries. Such a simple concept but I missed it. To have emotional protection and not absorb other's emotions. I am practicing.
Thanks, Jerry, great video. I’m 64 and only recently realised that my now demented mother is a covert narcissist. I can’t say that I’ve ever really loved her, or respected her, just interacted with her out of a sense of duty. It certainly takes a long time to let go, but your ideas about setting up mental boundaries seems to be helping.
My internal boundary is, "I am willing to speak with anyone who will speak with me. But I will not subject myself to, people who speak at me, and do not allow me to respond." "I'm happy to talk with you, but you need to stay calm, and allow me to speak." When the narcissists fail at that, I walk away. Usually they insult me for walking away, or shutting the door. But that's on them, for their failure to manage simple communication.
Listen to Jerry. Jerry is wise. Jerry is good. We have a saying in the energy healing communities - "What you resist, persists." This happens because you're feeding energy to it, which keeps it alive - whether it's a situation or a problem. It's especially true when engaging with a narcissist or narcissistic family, because they feed on your energy of Any kind. They Love drama!!! If you're upset, they thrive on that. That's why they try to get a rise out of you any way they can. Criticizing is a favorite gambit. Guilt induction is another. Anger and bullying is another. It's all to get your energy via attention or upset - whether what they elicit is negative or positive flavored, they simply don't care. It's all energy they can feed on. So be very careful what you feed energy to, Jerry is absolutely right. What you resist really does persist because you're feeding it. Stop feeding it. Ask you inner self instead why they are doing this. What is the illusion the inner child is clinging to, what wishful but unrealistic expectations are causing the enmeshment.
- 00:24 📌 Main Topic: Discussing recovery from a narcissistic upbringing and what not to do. - 00:45 🚫 Misguided Effort: Trying to change narcissistic family members is ineffective. - 01:32 ❌ Wrong Focus: Concentrating on changing the behavior of toxic family members doesn't help. - 03:02 🏠 Accept Reality: Recognize and accept the toxic behavior of family members. - 03:55 🔄 Self-focus: Shift focus from others to yourself and your own needs. - 04:27 😞 Absorbed Feelings: Avoid taking on feelings imposed by the family system. - 06:00 💼 Unspoken Contracts: Feelings of guilt are often imposed by family expectations, not personal failings. - 06:42 🛡️ Inner Boundaries: Set inner emotional boundaries before establishing outer boundaries. - 07:57 💇 Personal Example: Demonstrating the importance of emotional detachment with a personal story. - 09:24 🔄 Change Yourself: Emphasize working on personal change rather than changing others. - 09:56 🛠️ Inner Boundaries: Develop emotional detachment as a key recovery strategy. - 10:37 🤔 Question Focus: Encourage asking self-focused questions rather than other-focused ones. - 11:00 💡 Right Questions: Asking the right questions leads to better answers. - 11:37 💔 Real vs. Systems Feelings: Differentiate between personal feelings and feelings imposed by family dynamics. - 12:56 🛠 Build Boundaries: Establish strong inner boundaries to make external boundaries effective.
There are some. Mine is. It's strange that they aren't all trained in trauma though. I would think trauma would be the main reason people would go into therapy!
Enabler Father died during pandemic so all the family is gone now but Systems feelings persist. I cant seem start anything new , I try but feel hopeless. I am "tending to my own garden" so to speak. I would love a video about after the family feelings AFTER they die. This video is getting close to helping me understand.I really appreciate your videos Jerry! I just discovered you and will do program next few months.
After my enabler father died last year I completely crumbled. Left with my narc mother, now demented, I broke completely. For as much as he was an enabler he was the only other human on this planet who knew our family history. I suddenly realised i had no identity. Who am I? I don’t even know
Stop being 'other focused'.....oh my..'.absorbing other' people's feelings!!! 😮 it's a challenge! It's difficult to step away from this one. YES! INNER BOUNDARIES I've only begun to have, outer boundaries didn't work, my mom would shred them! I never knew why that was until now!! Thank you so much❤
@@godzillamanstreb524 many of us are highly empathic and do this naturally. Which why we are the preferred supply of Narcs, including our parents. Do you have a big ❤️? If yes, then this is why we absorb other peoples moods and feelings, narcissistic abuse just made it unhealthy and them focused instead of them teaching us how to balance that trait. Its not a bad trait but one that needs to be properly guided.
Jerry Wise is VERY WISE... HALLELUJAH. 💥💜🤗. THANK YOU MAN...Much LOVE from a senior chickadee INFJ in Commie Canada . 😉. You're AWESOME honey, you REALLY ARE. 🙏💜💜💜Shelli
I have no idea what was said by the family system. I got away. Physically. Grateful to not have 25 plus years more trauma to heal from. Thankfully finding information like this and thank you for your comments. My tear filled eyes thank you helping me understand that I'm not alone....thank you 🙏
Both of my parents are Narcissists, I got C-Ptsd from the abuse from them. I know they will never change at all. I been a Christian for over 11 years . I know my worth and values. I know who I am with God that's all that matter. Fear God only not them.
Thank you Jerry Wise. I've recently started listening to your podcast and it helps me so much. What I also realize is that my family system carries this toxic system for generations and generations. That's why I see the most toxic people in these families as the biggest victims themselves and try to forgive this entire system. In essence, we as a whole are all victims. Yes. And everyone has their own time to choose healing. It doesn't work to explain to someone else that the system is sick. Even though 2 children from that system have committed suicide and a number are in danger of succumbing to drugs and alcohol. The Golden children continue to point fingers and perpetuate the system. That's why I choose to get out and become whole myself. I see you as a gift on my way. Thank you.
Narcstc mothers are fond of cutting children's hair in a very wrong and funny way , they do anything, not knowing whether right or wrong, I observed in family
My mom went through beauty school twice and simply could not cut us girls' hair in a good way but did a perfect job on my brothers hair. My sister and I always looked unkempt.
Same here. I was 25 years old when I dared to grow my hair out long. (Even though I was foster, the programming kept me from stuff like this… this is deeeep
@@bogifabian1I cried to my grandmother that I didn’t want the pixie cut. She told my mother and she just smirked. Now in my 60s I’m so concentrated on my hair care and color. It’s obsessive.
My mother used to take thinning shears to my hair thereby putting random layers into my fine textured hair, making it stick out in all directions. At late sixties I still have problems with my perception of my hair although recently a couple of good friends keep telling me that my hair is gorgeous, it helps a little.
Oh - so painful - changing "their perception of me" - been doing that for years. But the detachment is big - I've been thinking about the middle road lately - a lot. And as I sit here in the "middle" - not in resentment like my raging father, nor on the other side in fear like my people pleasing fawning mother - I waffle between the two opposites - which are just two sides of the same outward narcissist focused coin - I'm getting a sense of me. I am here in the middle. ME is in the middle, or the detached road - detached from THEM - thank you Jerry.
They have made up their minds already and you are strong armed to accept it. So you can't add anything, not a idea, be considered, and they wont asked you a genuine question and if you have input they expect it to be the entire resolution to a problem, or explain yourself to their satisfaction. So nothing you say or do will make a difference.
Another great video.. I had an ah ha moment the other day.. Do I want to be around anxious people? Growing up and not being able to escape anxious people really shaped my life.. If I give up hanging around anxious people then I give up a very large part of my life.. My reality is that I am not around the anxious people of my past.. Actually when I got out of reactivity and into the calmness that you talk about they didn't want anything to do with me.. There are still anxious people all over the place.. Honestly, I do not want to be around them.. This is a very good time for me to do inner boundary work and outer boundary work.. This is a very good time for me to practice detachment with love..
SOOO! helpful. I've spent years trying to "cure" what was "wrong" with me so my family would accept and respect me. Have feelings of worthlessness, and only feel good when "giving", trying to make others feel good. (And I'm good at it.). My Dad was the same. He tried all his life to make my self+centered mother happy/whole. She split our family apart. He passed away in his ninties, sad and delusioned, having lived his life with the idea that "love" heals all. There is so much jealousy, competition, projection, judgementalism, scapegoating in the family. There are 8 of us siblings who share precious little empathy. When compassion is extended it is not reciprocated. In fact, AFTER the crisis is over, there is rejection. Resistance to seeing a scapegoated person as a possibly decent person. Rough way to learn. The context you offer is immensely helpful - particularly this video. Wish my father, a Methodist minister, had your insights, though he would never have left hischildren of his own free will. (His wife and youngest child isolated him during his last 15 years. He commented several times, " I miss my children.")
I got a free sandwich from Jimmy John’s and I felt so guilty eating it??? Like I was being wasteful and lazy??? And I know there’s NO reason to feel that way, but that’s the effects of growing up with narcissistic family members. I just walk around feeling guilty, just by breathing oxygen.
I know exactly what you are talking about. I also used to feel guilty for buying something as basic for myself as a sandwich. Moving out and far away, going no contact and receiving Jesus - The True Bread of Life - has completely healed my cptsd. I promise you it changes when you ask God ( who is real btw) for THE WAY OF ESCAPE. ❤
Out of a place of resentment towards my narcisstic father. Why do I have to do all the leg work for this? I didn't ask to be born into this, and have an adult life ruined, let alone my childhood. They should be doing the work to fix themselves.
There's that, yeah. And I get it, but (and bring in Sir Mixalot because it's a big one) you still have a life to live. Think about all the time that's ahead. The rest was practice. And I'm telling you, I was so badly mistreated that I lost eight years and two teeth to an abusive marriage. You can heal. They are living in their own hell. Narcissists can't live without their victims. They're sucking, black holes of empty.
@@JLakis I live a few states away and still hear in my head the criticisms and put downs. I'm 50 and feel like my life is over. He made married life hell for my mother, she gave up on herself healthwise, and died to basically get away from him. Then he says its her fault, "she had issues."
These videos and others I see on Instagram saved me . I grew up in the worst narcissist family and was the youngest and scapegoat . Never knew why I was the was I was till about 15 years ago and now I know . Runs deep in both my families , my father was the worst , ignored you , acted like the king , treated us like objects . My mother talk about everyone bad but was a kiss ass . Both never admit to anything and of course always called me crazy when i confronted them with facts They have all the traits … my father had the “ narcissistic smirk “ every time you text to explain yourself to him . He ruined Christmases , birthdays and anything important . But in public always was the nicest guy on the planet , always kiss assed to people with status but never his own kids . Worst I have two older sisters who he treated like crap and my mother always put down my oldest . My middle sister is the golden child and still is . My parents are in their 80’s now and been married 63 years and now my sisters control them like they did to us when we were kids . I’m the scapegoat and was never invited away , put down and they tore me down to everyone . Now I’m 55 and had a life of a anxiety and panic attacks cause my flight or fight system been a mess , social anxiety and troubles with relationships. My sister married the first guy they met in high school and do everything and even work together . They’re like each others emotional support dogs . They back stabbed me with my father and they will get everything now
God loves us enough to give us all, free will. He does not plan out our lives, that is that old lie called the "Fate Philosophy Teaching ", nothing to do with God's will, at all. We are all free agents and we will all reap what we sow ourselves- good or bad. Unforeseen occurrences befall us all.
4 місяці тому
@@joeythebushkangaroo1may I ask, why you think bad things happen to good people? I'm grappling with this and I like your thought provoking comment. It was healing.
I feel like I start relationships being other focused and then become self focused and that causes a huge push back usually the conflict comes to a head
Interesting Looks like I have to rewatch and reread every video and text twice.. Maybe it's just too much external interference in my life... I'm slipping out into dissociation from time to time again and feeling difficulties to focus
You are not trying to change them. They are forcing you to accept their thinking as only acceptable and you are trying to explain that something is wrong with that.
I can't afford a counselor - so, I just vent on your most recent video ... THE INNER JUGGLING or plate spinning for us oldsters 😝 is exhausting !!! starting from childhood & going forward into other narcissistic people in life - ugh !!! having to juggle your REAL thoughts & feelings VS what you must or must not say ( think/feel ) in order to placate some damned narcissist in order to keep your , job, housing or life !!! I am planning on living alone again - once I escape the last gd narcissist of my life !!! 🍀
Interesting. But I have NO family. Because I reminded my mother of her teen pregnancy I was farmed out. I wasn't with anyone long enough to feel part of their Tribe.. Tho my mother and sister insisted that MY family be HER family. I spent my time alone and find it hard to bond with anyone now. I'm pretty self contained and keep myself entertained. But I expected to be the Grandma to my kids...not have my sister "buy them off".
I am going to try out your course soon. You had said at the beginning of the video if you change your internal, there’s a possibility it could improve the relationship with the parents. I know this is not a guaranteed, But can you elaborate? Or does your course cover this? If it covers it, I’ll go through it then.
Thank you a lot. My father, 78 keeps ignoring me for 5 years now. He divorced my mom when I was 25 because of his 15-year- younger mistres, with whom he got another child, but after 7 years she dumped him. My brother and mom have ignored him ever since, but I wanted some reasonable contact a few times a year. When I was celebrating my 50th bd he didn't show up nor did he give me any gift. His excuse was that his son had a football match and he had to take him there. I stil sent him a bd card and called him for Christmas. But he hasn't reciptocated. He got himself a new woman and keeps ignoring all his grandchildren, some of them don't know him at all. I don't know what to do. I just don't want anything to do with him any more.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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I kept trying to get her to change. What a waste of my time. I forgive them all, but won't go back for more abuse.
💯💯💯
Facts
Amen
I had to make the same decision back in 2016. My children don't have relatives anymore & that was the hardest part of all this. It took me years to accept they have something better.. the peace of God
This is a great outlook. I wish I would’ve come to this conclusion many years ago, I wasted so much time.
"You cannot allow them to transfer their feelings into you"- My therapist several years ago.
I must work harder at this, not just with family, but people in general.
Projection is seductive
61 yrs old and spent my life focusing on others to exhaustion and detriment of my own needs. Now as an exhausted 61 yr old I am going to learn how to care for ME too. It’s very late in life but I’ll try
I'm 66 and still tryin' to do the same thing. I have no family or friends.
@@Rolanda-Doe.1126 the kids and the spouses of them & the kids from them. It's just us. Otherwise I'm the same as you. Been a long learning process, I've always been looked at as strange or something. But I had the most accomplished until my wife ran off with a destitute sweetalking boyfriend. I had to file, so divorced now. That is hard since she was the one.
True about haircuts. My 20yr old long, frizzy haired sister had a smart, layered hair cut for an inportant interview for a job. When narc mother saw it she walked away. I had to be the mother and tell her it was a great haircut. She got the job and left home 🎉🎉🎉
If you’re seeking more support or insights, I invite you to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
@@jerrywise Dr Jerry Wise, can you help me with the most toxic "people",who WANT to i go in psychoterapy to their private LIKE THEM "therappists",but i want TO FOCUS ONLY ON MY EMOTIONAL SELF'TRUE RECOVERY...Thank for your help and advice and hope!!!Yes they are the PARASITES IN THE HUMAN BODY.😅
@juliej1520. WOW ur a great sister. Congrats for that. These things the parents do is so hurtful. So glad ur sister left. I went no contact permanently from my family of origin many years ago. I also was the designated scapegoat which is just too much. I WAS DONE. Blessings to you.
If you're trying to change them, you won't. It took me a while to realize, the biggest thing I was trying to change was "THEIR PERCEPTION of ME."
One of the most liberating things was something a psychologist said, "When you're around them, you can be the crazy one, so what." This triggered me at first but I knew she was right in some way. I kept ruminating on this: "BUT I'M NOT THE CRAZY ONE ... THEY NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT!"
But that's just it. IT'S THE ROOT OF IT! It's their perception of me that I was trying to change and their perception is theirs, not mine. This fact was something I wasn't taking ownership about. Once I did, it was a major step out of this strange and mostly subconscious codependent pattern I had. I realized their perception is their free will, even if it's their perception of me. Perhaps, 'especially' when it's their perception of me, lol!
"I'll be the crazy one today. So what."
This turned out to be a huge liberator.
At some point, I say it to myself, whenever I'm around my family. It was a process, but I have found a great deal of calmness through this saying.
Hopefully you find some clarity in it as well.😅
It keeps us enmeshed and looking for validation in orders.
When you realize you don't need to be validated by others, and that what you feel/think/believe is what matters.. We can start to heal.
We `think that we should just defend and explain ourselves in order to make them change their perception, but in the end, t's what they want. They want us to seek them and their validation and not believe in ourselves.
Talking to these people is a WASTE of time, because they ARE NOT GENUINE..... THEY DON'T CARE! It's the same with trolls and bullies. They will make fun of you and if you defend yourself their typical response is "I don't care/who cares" and just laugh. It's not genuine, they are just trying to bully.
I also came to realize that if people really cared about you and your/our side, then they would at least ask for our side, instead of saying we are this and that, which makes us defend ourselves. They don't care enough to ask, so why should we have to explain?
Instead we just think it's something wrong with us, or just trying to ignore their bs, or "move 9n from the abuse because nothing will be done for it(neglect).....
Instead ,we need to realize that these people aren't good people and look at them negatively.
We are the ones who are always looked at negatively and having to "r`epair the relationship that they broke, but blmaed us for breaking... IT's like we alwys have to be sorry in order to get them to be "normal," it's always on us, never on thme...
ENOUGH+!`
~I'm not going to be "The crazy one" for them, because I DO not want to be around them. Why should we allow others to treat us poorly and just take it? we took it our entire lives, it's ENOUGH already.
~My entire life I would make excuses for my father's bad behavior because "If only he knew...."
Guess what, 20-25 years later and "if only he knew' became "I'm sorry[... Lets move on towards the future..... I'm not going to change....." Meanwhile "You did this in the past so you must have done it now" when "I did it in the past" was made up and a lie by mom or something and it's being used for 30 years as "you did this in the past."
This is why you cannot deal wit these people. It's ALWAYS an accusation, ALWAYS blame.
For example, I normally get a little water out of our filter.
EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to fill the water, if dad is in the kitchen, Dad has to say "did you use up all the water" or "is there any water left." I will get to it and it will be almost empty, but it's like they are just blaming me for it being empty. Yesterday he said "did you use all the water," and I just said"please stop blaming me for taking some water it's not a big deal, and it was empty when I got to it." and he was saying how I take things the wrong way and this and that.... No, if i don't like what you're doing, please stop. IT's always an argument, always me who's crazy and weird and sensitive and takes things the wrong way. Sure, what he says overall isn't a big deal, but it's when it's EVERY DAMN DAY/TIME I FILL THE WATER(I don't fill my jug often), it gets annoying. Being told I'm "Taking all the water," and to refill it if it's empty is annoying. If he wants to refill it, he can take a jug of water and fill it up. Why constantly ask me? It's ALL about control. Never letting there be peace... He always has to say something. Maybe I'm so fking tired and angry of constantly being asked about the water, because it's just another control thing for him. IF YOU WANT TO CHECK THE WATER, DO IT YOUR FKING SELF FFS.` If he sees I'm taking water, and he thinks I'm taking too much... How hard is it to just add more? I remember one time he said that if I take too much I should refill i tor something, and I showed him and said I don't take much. I'll take like 1/8th of a gallon or something, the filter holds 2 gallons........ He thought I was taking more at the time. Even so, why FKING COMPLAIN ABOUT IT... TAKE ACTION AND REFILL. This is what happens when they are mentally a child and cannot just act instead of commenting.
I also got angry because I KNEW he would ask me... He just got into the kitchen and i just wanted some water and I knew he would compain about it and was hoping to just get away from it... Sure enough ."You're taking all the water." That just makes you rage when you don't want it to happen and it does....
It's like he doesn't even know how he speaks. It's the way you say it. Blaming me for it. IT could be said so many other ways.
and the thing is, sure to others it would be 'no big deal," but again when you have to deal wit the dysfunction, telling them to please not comment on it, or just having to "ignore it" it gets tiring. It's like a fly/mosquito buzzing around and you just sit there until you cannot take it and start swatting at it, and then it starts buzzing more. It just makes us fking crazy and instead of trying to do better, they comment on it and call us sensitive and weird.
In general, he will blame me for something and i will say "stop blaming me" and he will say 'I'm not blaming you" when he just blamed me for something...
He either doesn't know wtf he's doing and saying, or just is a liar constantly.. He lies and is hypocrite a lot, hence why I could never really trust him.
I've loved him for a long time trying to make it work, but I could never trust him when things got bad or I needed him for something, because he never really did what I wanted or asked and would just avoid, push it to mom, etc, etc... Especially if mom said something, that was the "Final verdict."
So very sad. This is what happens wehn you're a know-it-all, don't ask your children for their side, and only punish them based on what your wife says, while never listening to what they say, or care about what they say. This creates MASSIVE trust issues.
fml.
@@AlvinKazu
I would get my own water filter system or move out. I don't know your dads' age, but could he have some form of dementia? I totally understand the mosquito analogy- when you know what they are going to say before they say it. Don't depend on these control freaks as much as it is possible on your part not to. Don't give them that power...or just fill it to the top everytime you use it & take the wind out of his sails,lol.😅
I'm the "dramatic" one. Even though both my sister and her husband ARE ACTORS!
Thank you I needed this
@@AlvinKazuwhen I have visited my mother which is not going to happen anymore, she literally does the exact same thing with the water filter.. even though I fill it everytime. It’s absolutely nuts. All about some weird control.
Excellent advice. I've stopped trying to figure them out and I'm trying to figure myself out instead. Thanks Jerry
It saves you a lot of time and mental energy.
Me also. Figuring out myself is difficult in itself.
Being self-focused vs other-focused is something that is still so hard for me to break.
My father passed away when I had gone no contact. I did grieve, but now I know that I was grieving for a relationship that I never got to have with him, and not really grieving him at all. It was difficult in the moment, but I would still be no contact if he were alive today.
❤
I just heard today that my narc mom died. I don’t really feel anything. I’ve spent the previous year learning about narcissism…grieving for months for what I wanted and needed and never got. I’m an old lady. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in that system. I have a good life. So much to be grateful for.
I know honey. None of it's your fault. Don't feel sad. Just be the best you that you can be.
I just went through the same thing with my estranged (his choice) father.
I bless the day I talked with a work colleague about this problem in my family. Although I was scared initially, she explained to me what a narcissist was, and it was as if a spotlight came on in my brain. I had thought that a narcissist was someone who just stopped by every mirror to admire themselves, but by the time she had finished my eyes were well and truly opened and I read every book I could lay my hands on. As it appears that there seems to be an epidemic of this kind of behaviour, and because they do so much harm, we need to be prepared.
Children of narcs find that an identity of their own doesnt come naturally. Our identity is to supply. We are as separate from a narc as the narc's arm or hand is separate. 🎉🎉🎉
Yep, very hard to find a new identity of ones own after separation.
Yes that’s a good description
Good description
I so wish at least one of the two of my parents weren't an adult child. I know my mom means well but she lies to herself. And gets mad when others won't go along with the lies. And then my dad is just malicious and evil. I randomly thought about him in June didn't realize it was Father's Day and I sent him a text. He told me he thinks we'll be in contact soon. I haven't seen or talked to him since summer of 21 other than that text last month. I promised myself the only time I would ever talk to him again is in a therapist office. He twisted my words and added so many lies he said what he needed to say to get my sister to not want me around my niece. Mistakes happen but flat-out lying and making up falsehoods. that's up there with unforgivable until someone really does apologize.
I'm 31 years old and dealing with extreme chronic pain from failed surgeries. I've had to cut all the unnecessary and necessary stress out of my life. One after another. None of my relations supported me during my surgeries and they definitely didn't help me heal.
#CRPS #atypicaltrigeminalneuralgia
One of my very best and oldest friends has that. But you are absolutely right about the lies. My father died. He was my "protector." And my mother has turned my sister against me. My niece is a bargaining chip and blackmail. And I love her! She's about to start Kindergarten, and I can't even FaceTime with her. It hurts. I'm sorry you're experiencing that, too. But you absolutely need to focus on you and your health. It's impossible to battle your body, doctors, Social Security, etc AND them as well. Lots of luck and healing to you.
You are not alone.
My mum is just the same.
The lies that she said to me always have me to rebutt her, that she thinks I'm an idiot?!
Stop hoping ❤️🩹 start growing ♥️ love yourself❣️
I know. I was sick and almost died. My doctor said so. But not one person came to the hospital to visit me.
One of the most hardest, challenging and craziest thing here is might be quite alone with seeing through the narcissist bevaviour and their pattens and than other people have no clue whats going on when they meet this person or get to know him/her. And you have to somehow open up about it and find a way to carefully expose the drama-comic theatre play. Very challenging.
Until the world hold them accountable we will have this problem! To much victim blaming
For the longest time I didn't understand that part of co-dependency is basing our mood off of how the other person is feeling. Once I understood that I could accept I was codependent and start to heal. This has been a very helpful channel. Thank you ❤
😮uh😅 when i took my aging mom in, I was 48--and we actually had a mini fight because she kept wanting to cut my hair back into the "Moe" (a la 3 Stooges), most likely because she just wanted me looking dumb again... 😂
My mom did that crap to me also. She always dressed me up in the ugliest outfits and gave me horrible haircuts but my sister got all the dresses and frills..😂😔
Yes, she used to try to dress me in what were old guy clothes in those times, i don't mean adult clothes, they were just this side of a nursing home old guy clothes. I knew what the deal was even at that age, I would have been bullied mercilessly at school and she knew it. Never gave an inch and within a year I had paper rounds/jobs and bought my own clothes which brought it's own drama (of course).
@@valariemetzger861
Yes, or always a boy's hairstyle as a child bc I had dark wavy hair, whereas my 2 younger sisters always had longer styles bc they had blonde hair like my mum. Envy is a real thing even from parent to child. 😮
@@valariemetzger861Oh wow! The ugly clothes! I am 48, and I don't know who she's buying these for because I never wear them. She'll ask my size, and buy me two sizes larger. She buys colors she knows I won't wear because "Well, I just thought you might want something that wasn't black!" And they're just inappropriate. Like she wanted me to be a paralegal (not a lawyer, obvs), so she buys me office clothes. I'm a copywriter! I wear yoga pants "to work."
@@JLakis Do you actually practice yoga?
I need much more work on inner boundaries. Such a simple concept but I missed it. To have emotional protection and not absorb other's emotions. I am practicing.
We all need to do more boundaries work ❤️🩹 you’re really on your way to a healthy life ♥️
Thanks, Jerry, great video. I’m 64 and only recently realised that my now demented mother is a covert narcissist. I can’t say that I’ve ever really loved her, or respected her, just interacted with her out of a sense of duty. It certainly takes a long time to let go, but your ideas about setting up mental boundaries seems to be helping.
61 and feel the same way about my mother.
You are a gentleman and scholar. You are a wise man.(excuse the pun)
My internal boundary is, "I am willing to speak with anyone who will speak with me. But I will not subject myself to, people who speak at me, and do not allow me to respond."
"I'm happy to talk with you, but you need to stay calm, and allow me to speak." When the narcissists fail at that, I walk away.
Usually they insult me for walking away, or shutting the door. But that's on them, for their failure to manage simple communication.
Listen to Jerry. Jerry is wise. Jerry is good. We have a saying in the energy healing communities - "What you resist, persists." This happens because you're feeding energy to it, which keeps it alive - whether it's a situation or a problem. It's especially true when engaging with a narcissist or narcissistic family, because they feed on your energy of Any kind. They Love drama!!! If you're upset, they thrive on that. That's why they try to get a rise out of you any way they can. Criticizing is a favorite gambit. Guilt induction is another. Anger and bullying is another. It's all to get your energy via attention or upset - whether what they elicit is negative or positive flavored, they simply don't care. It's all energy they can feed on. So be very careful what you feed energy to, Jerry is absolutely right. What you resist really does persist because you're feeding it. Stop feeding it. Ask you inner self instead why they are doing this. What is the illusion the inner child is clinging to, what wishful but unrealistic expectations are causing the enmeshment.
- 00:24 📌 Main Topic: Discussing recovery from a narcissistic upbringing and what not to do.
- 00:45 🚫 Misguided Effort: Trying to change narcissistic family members is ineffective.
- 01:32 ❌ Wrong Focus: Concentrating on changing the behavior of toxic family members doesn't help.
- 03:02 🏠 Accept Reality: Recognize and accept the toxic behavior of family members.
- 03:55 🔄 Self-focus: Shift focus from others to yourself and your own needs.
- 04:27 😞 Absorbed Feelings: Avoid taking on feelings imposed by the family system.
- 06:00 💼 Unspoken Contracts: Feelings of guilt are often imposed by family expectations, not personal failings.
- 06:42 🛡️ Inner Boundaries: Set inner emotional boundaries before establishing outer boundaries.
- 07:57 💇 Personal Example: Demonstrating the importance of emotional detachment with a personal story.
- 09:24 🔄 Change Yourself: Emphasize working on personal change rather than changing others.
- 09:56 🛠️ Inner Boundaries: Develop emotional detachment as a key recovery strategy.
- 10:37 🤔 Question Focus: Encourage asking self-focused questions rather than other-focused ones.
- 11:00 💡 Right Questions: Asking the right questions leads to better answers.
- 11:37 💔 Real vs. Systems Feelings: Differentiate between personal feelings and feelings imposed by family dynamics.
- 12:56 🛠 Build Boundaries: Establish strong inner boundaries to make external boundaries effective.
I am joining this month. Wedo not have therapists that are affordable or trained in systems theory and narcisstic trauma.
There are some. Mine is. It's strange that they aren't all trained in trauma though. I would think trauma would be the main reason people would go into therapy!
@@Ariadne76-k3d 💯 exactly.
90% of them suck ass😢
this is saving my mental health while I'm visiting my mother
Self-focus is huge.
Enabler Father died during pandemic so all the family is gone now but Systems feelings persist. I cant seem start anything new , I try but feel hopeless. I am "tending to my own garden" so to speak. I would love a video about after the family feelings AFTER they die. This video is getting close to helping me understand.I really appreciate your videos Jerry! I just discovered you and will do program next few months.
After my enabler father died last year I completely crumbled. Left with my narc mother, now demented, I broke completely. For as much as he was an enabler he was the only other human on this planet who knew our family history. I suddenly realised i had no identity. Who am I? I don’t even know
"I broke that expectation" I love it. That's what I did and received the treatment that I did.
This video hit on a lot of good points. Another helpful video! Thanks, Mr. Wise.
Stop being 'other focused'.....oh my..'.absorbing other' people's feelings!!! 😮 it's a challenge! It's difficult to step away from this one. YES! INNER BOUNDARIES I've only begun to have, outer boundaries didn't work, my mom would shred them! I never knew why that was until now!! Thank you so much❤
So hard bc we’ve been programmed to do this
@@godzillamanstreb524 many of us are highly empathic and do this naturally. Which why we are the preferred supply of Narcs, including our parents. Do you have a big ❤️? If yes, then this is why we absorb other peoples moods and feelings, narcissistic abuse just made it unhealthy and them focused instead of them teaching us how to balance that trait. Its not a bad trait but one that needs to be properly guided.
Jerry Wise is VERY WISE... HALLELUJAH. 💥💜🤗. THANK YOU MAN...Much LOVE from a senior chickadee INFJ in Commie Canada . 😉. You're AWESOME honey, you REALLY ARE. 🙏💜💜💜Shelli
You are fabulous.
My parents dont care not my siblings too. Though God knows and he is a relief
I have no idea what was said by the family system. I got away. Physically. Grateful to not have 25 plus years more trauma to heal from. Thankfully finding information like this and thank you for your comments. My tear filled eyes thank you helping me understand that I'm not alone....thank you 🙏
Both of my parents are Narcissists, I got C-Ptsd from the abuse from them. I know they will never change at all. I been a Christian for over 11 years . I know my worth and values. I know who I am with God that's all that matter. Fear God only not them.
Amen!
Thank you Jerry Wise. I've recently started listening to your podcast and it helps me so much. What I also realize is that my family system carries this toxic system for generations and generations. That's why I see the most toxic people in these families as the biggest victims themselves and try to forgive this entire system. In essence, we as a whole are all victims. Yes. And everyone has their own time to choose healing. It doesn't work to explain to someone else that the system is sick. Even though 2 children from that system have committed suicide and a number are in danger of succumbing to drugs and alcohol. The Golden children continue to point fingers and perpetuate the system. That's why I choose to get out and become whole myself. I see you as a gift on my way. Thank you.
Narcstc mothers are fond of cutting children's hair in a very wrong and funny way , they do anything, not knowing whether right or wrong, I observed in family
My mom went through beauty school twice and simply could not cut us girls' hair in a good way but did a perfect job on my brothers hair. My sister and I always looked unkempt.
Same here. I was 25 years old when I dared to grow my hair out long. (Even though I was foster, the programming kept me from stuff like this… this is deeeep
@@bogifabian1I cried to my grandmother that I didn’t want the pixie cut. She told my mother and she just smirked. Now in my 60s I’m so concentrated on my hair care and color. It’s obsessive.
Trying to keep us infantile
My mother used to take thinning shears to my hair thereby putting random layers into my fine textured hair, making it stick out in all directions. At late sixties I still have problems with my perception of my hair although recently a couple of good friends keep telling me that my hair is gorgeous, it helps a little.
Oh - so painful - changing "their perception of me" - been doing that for years. But the detachment is big - I've been thinking about the middle road lately - a lot. And as I sit here in the "middle" - not in resentment like my raging father, nor on the other side in fear like my people pleasing fawning mother - I waffle between the two opposites - which are just two sides of the same outward narcissist focused coin - I'm getting a sense of me. I am here in the middle. ME is in the middle, or the detached road - detached from THEM - thank you Jerry.
This is pure gold.
They have made up their minds already and you are strong armed to accept it. So you can't add anything, not a idea, be considered, and they wont asked you a genuine question and if you have input they expect it to be the entire resolution to a problem, or explain yourself to their satisfaction. So nothing you say or do will make a difference.
Thank you, this was very helpful❤
Thank you very much Jerry for everything. You're a lifesaver ❤
🎉
If a narc doesn't want to answer a question he won't anyway. Or he lies. So you have to find out another way imo.
Thank you always. You're a font of steady wisdom and sane kindness. All the best to you and all the fellow listeners here. ❤
ya wish I would have got away at 20 instead of 40. what a blessing when they diss you as a kid too
Me too buddy
Ooh, the inner boundary thing! Breakthrough for me rn 🙏
Another great video.. I had an ah ha moment the other day.. Do I want to be around anxious people? Growing up and not being able to escape anxious people really shaped my life.. If I give up hanging around anxious people then I give up a very large part of my life.. My reality is that I am not around the anxious people of my past.. Actually when I got out of reactivity and into the calmness that you talk about they didn't want anything to do with me.. There are still anxious people all over the place.. Honestly, I do not want to be around them.. This is a very good time for me to do inner boundary work and outer boundary work.. This is a very good time for me to practice detachment with love..
SOOO! helpful. I've spent years trying to "cure" what was "wrong" with me so my family would accept and respect me. Have feelings of worthlessness, and only feel good when "giving", trying to make others feel good. (And I'm good at it.). My Dad was the same. He tried all his life to make my self+centered mother happy/whole. She split our family apart. He passed away in his ninties, sad and delusioned, having lived his life with the idea that "love" heals all. There is so much jealousy, competition, projection, judgementalism, scapegoating in the family. There are 8 of us siblings who share precious little empathy. When compassion is extended it is not reciprocated. In fact, AFTER the crisis is over, there is rejection. Resistance to seeing a scapegoated person as a possibly decent person. Rough way to learn. The context you offer is immensely helpful - particularly this video. Wish my father, a Methodist minister, had your insights, though he would never have left hischildren of his own free will. (His wife and youngest child isolated him during his last 15 years. He commented several times, " I miss my children.")
I so identify with this. After the crisis is over there is always rejection.
Narcissistic individuals stalk u and call you narcissist.
Why does she stalk you , weird right ?
It’s my moms full time job and only hobby for my entire life, and stalk, snoop and keep tabs on me and whoever else is on her shit list
I got a free sandwich from Jimmy John’s and I felt so guilty eating it??? Like I was being wasteful and lazy??? And I know there’s NO reason to feel that way, but that’s the effects of growing up with narcissistic family members.
I just walk around feeling guilty, just by breathing oxygen.
I know exactly what you are talking about. I also used to feel guilty for buying something as basic for myself as a sandwich. Moving out and far away, going no contact and receiving Jesus - The True Bread of Life - has completely healed my cptsd. I promise you it changes when you ask God ( who is real btw) for THE WAY OF ESCAPE. ❤
This is very powerful message
Great video. I think I'm going in the right direction.
Honor thy father and Mother: and love thy neighbor as thyself. Matthew 19:19. Thanks. 😅
Out of a place of resentment towards my narcisstic father. Why do I have to do all the leg work for this? I didn't ask to be born into this, and have an adult life ruined, let alone my childhood. They should be doing the work to fix themselves.
There's that, yeah. And I get it, but (and bring in Sir Mixalot because it's a big one) you still have a life to live. Think about all the time that's ahead. The rest was practice. And I'm telling you, I was so badly mistreated that I lost eight years and two teeth to an abusive marriage. You can heal. They are living in their own hell. Narcissists can't live without their victims. They're sucking, black holes of empty.
@@JLakis I live a few states away and still hear in my head the criticisms and put downs. I'm 50 and feel like my life is over. He made married life hell for my mother, she gave up on herself healthwise, and died to basically get away from him. Then he says its her fault, "she had issues."
These videos and others I see on Instagram saved me . I grew up in the worst narcissist family and was the youngest and scapegoat . Never knew why I was the was I was till about 15 years ago and now I know . Runs deep in both my families , my father was the worst , ignored you , acted like the king , treated us like objects . My mother talk about everyone bad but was a kiss ass . Both never admit to anything and of course always called me crazy when i confronted them with facts
They have all the traits … my father had the “ narcissistic smirk “ every time you text to explain yourself to him . He ruined Christmases , birthdays and anything important . But in public always was the nicest guy on the planet , always kiss assed to people with status but never his own kids . Worst I have two older sisters who he treated like crap and my mother always put down my oldest . My middle sister is the golden child and still is . My parents are in their 80’s now and been married 63 years and now my sisters control them like they did to us when we were kids . I’m the scapegoat and was never invited away , put down and they tore me down to everyone . Now I’m 55 and had a life of a anxiety and panic attacks cause my flight or fight system been a mess , social anxiety and troubles with relationships. My sister married the first guy they met in high school and do everything and even work together . They’re like each others emotional support dogs . They back stabbed me with my father and they will get everything now
Yes. It helps my recovery.
Superb Video again🎉❤
Your extra mile comment was enlightening and confirming.
This is so helpful, thank you 🙏
Understanding makes such a difference and brings relief
So much for God loving us and having a plan for our lives. Be Wise people.
God loves us enough to give us all, free will. He does not plan out our lives, that is that old lie called the "Fate Philosophy Teaching ", nothing to do with God's will, at all.
We are all free agents and we will all reap what we sow ourselves- good or bad.
Unforeseen occurrences befall us all.
@@joeythebushkangaroo1may I ask, why you think bad things happen to good people? I'm grappling with this and I like your thought provoking comment. It was healing.
Excellent points! 🧡
My counselor told me I needed to get unmeshed with my bipolar narcissistic mom and also suggested alanon… same things you said.
I feel like I start relationships being other focused and then become self focused and that causes a huge push back usually the conflict comes to a head
ha the way you simplify my internal conflicts is a true gift.
Detachment for a trauma survivor can also be a scary subject due to detaching for safety reasons
Thank you for great advice.
Interesting
Looks like I have to rewatch and reread every video and text twice.. Maybe it's just too much external interference in my life...
I'm slipping out into dissociation from time to time again and feeling difficulties to focus
Defining “systems feelings” is very helpful.
Thank you so much
I had no idea I have been dealing with narcissistic family and then found narcissistic men
I would love to do your program🎉
Thank you, Jerry. 🙏🏻❤️
Excelent video! Thank you so much❤
Thank you so much Jerry, never seen the last name fitting the person so well
Thank you, #JerryWise
Thank you so much Mr.Wise.🙌
So very helpful; thank you Jerry🙏🏼💕🥰
Oh Jerry, I appreciate this video so very much !
Thank you, Jerry
Right on time
resonates, painful, much appreciated for your insights as always Jerry.
Thank you for helping me. God bless you Jerry ❤
You are so welcome
Thank you! Love your program!
Very powerful suggestions, thank you, Jerry.
So Very True 👍
Thanks again Jerry! You are giving us information we need to be free!
You are very welcome
You are not trying to change them. They are forcing you to accept their thinking as only acceptable and you are trying to explain that something is wrong with that.
They are never going to hear you.
@@patriciasimons1873 truth
Thank you!!
I have just started watching you videos and I really like them. Thank you for all the information you are sharing.
Glad you like them!
Start with this ❤️🩹 stop trying to please others & begin to understand your desires ♥️
Thanks Jerry..great tips as usual. From Los Angeles.
Thanks Jerry 😺
Invaluable!
I can't afford a counselor - so, I just vent on your most recent video ...
THE INNER JUGGLING or plate spinning for us oldsters 😝 is exhausting !!!
starting from childhood & going forward into other narcissistic people in life - ugh !!! having to juggle your REAL thoughts & feelings VS what you must or must not say ( think/feel ) in order to placate some damned narcissist in order to keep your , job, housing or life !!!
I am planning on living alone again - once I escape the last gd narcissist of my life !!! 🍀
How do I get over my lost potential and move forward?
Thankyou
Thanks!
Welcome!
Interesting. But I have NO family. Because I reminded my mother of her teen pregnancy I was farmed out. I wasn't with anyone long enough to feel part of their Tribe.. Tho my mother and sister insisted that MY family be HER family. I spent my time alone and find it hard to bond with anyone now. I'm pretty self contained and keep myself entertained. But I expected to be the Grandma to my kids...not have my sister "buy them off".
Negative energy. No Thanks. 😊
I am going to try out your course soon. You had said at the beginning of the video if you change your internal, there’s a possibility it could improve the relationship with the parents. I know this is not a guaranteed, But can you elaborate? Or does your course cover this? If it covers it, I’ll go through it then.
Thank you a lot. My father, 78 keeps ignoring me for 5 years now. He divorced my mom when I was 25 because of his 15-year- younger mistres, with whom he got another child, but after 7 years she dumped him. My brother and mom have ignored him ever since, but I wanted some reasonable contact a few times a year. When I was celebrating my 50th bd he didn't show up nor did he give me any gift. His excuse was that his son had a football match and he had to take him there. I stil sent him a bd card and called him for Christmas. But he hasn't reciptocated. He got himself a new woman and keeps ignoring all his grandchildren, some of them don't know him at all. I don't know what to do. I just don't want anything to do with him any more.
If you’re seeking more support or insights, I invite you to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
You can love them, but you don't have to like them.
I don't have to love them either. It's okay to feel neutral about them.
Everyone in the chat talking about their traumatic haircuts: my dad just shaved my head once a month like a dog.
We can look from observer views.
I’m so depressed about my grandad saying he wanted me to do a romantic film scene i feel I’m the bad person
Eeeep! Grandad sounds like a perv! Grieve the loss and move on for your sake. You deserve better.