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This is SO true. Only after I got out of back to back (raised by one, sucked into the next) relationships so it’s been the last nearly two years for me to be able to know who I am and be kind to myself.
🎯And what's worse is seeing people younger who've surpassed where the target was supposed to have accomplished years ago.......💢Triggers me every time the thought comes up, because at the end of the day the abusers get away and leave the target to deal with the accountability. Society will most likely take the abuser's side any damn way......
What I learned growing up in a narcissistic family is that my feelings don't matter, but that I should bend and mold myself to please others in order to avoid hurting their feelings. Any time I tried to express my feelings, I would be called sensitive or self centered, so as an adult I became people pleasing and learned to silence my own needs.
Mine as well. One day, I was super happy and not depressed and quiet as always and they SCREAMED in my face, insulted me, asked me if I was insane and out of my mind. In that moment I got that they don't want me happy and laughing, they want me depressed and crying. It was a total shock to me, that someone wants that for their own child.
What an important statement, "Stop blaming them and focus on yourself, they won't change" it's hard for everyone I know! But trust! There's light at the other side of the tunnel! Big hugs to everyone going through this with parents or siblings or anyone narcissistic.
@mariag5201 I've said it before and I'll say it again. Bless the therapist who told me to stop trying to find a way to communicate with my mother that wouldn't make her angry and start structuring our communication to keep myself as safe as possible. She eventually violated enough boundaries to make "as safe as possible" into NC.
I’m here to say “Amen!” I have a brother whom I can’t visit, without his dragging us all into the mess our parents made of our lives as children. There is no doubt that our father was more dangerous, but my mother made me hate my body, and myself. All the abuse has been well established, by all of us. Where do we go from here? That’s what we need to discuss. We have a choice, now.
Back in 1998 I was 21 and had decided to stay at a b and b instead of with my family and the way they reacted was ridiculous like the sky had fallen in and the world had ended all because they couldn't have their way! I never did give them their way though!
Looking back, I recognize that when I went back to school for my masters (I was in my early 50's) my mother's head exploded. For the first time in my life I was going to be financially independent. I was going to have a full-time professional career. She went absolutely bonkers trying to prevent me from getting a job in my field and being a fully independent adult. Later, when I walked out on my abusive ex, it was like someone had declared open season on me. Huge campaign to persuade me I couldn't cope on my own. No. I'm not some kind of human bonsai that she can twist to be what she wants. She thinks we're NC because I'm unstable. Nope. We're NC because she's not safe.
@@lauragadille3384I'm sorry that happened to you, mine was a similar experience, we were to be seen but not heard, that was very convenient for them not to have to deal with us kids, Please try to let it go so you can be happy in life
Same here. Everything was dictated and controlled. We were always lectured and told what was going to happen whether I liked it or not, and I was never asked my opinion about anything, how I felt, what I wanted.
My mother's mind is as small as a matchbox. As long as I was small and fitted into it, it was ok. Since my mind started to expand she terrorized me (calling it: appealing to my conscience), accused me of not loving her, of wanting to hurt her on purpose, of being in league with her ex husband (my father). I had to hide my inner thoughts, dreams and wishes and my intellectual interests from her or else she would be "hurt". It's not my fault my mind is larger than hers and that it continues expanding. I'm done apologizing for being intelligent just because she isn't. And it's not my fault if she doesn't know how to process her emotions. When I feel guilty again or when the anxiety kicks in, I repeat to myself, "My mother's sins are not mine" and "I don't have to understand my mother's feelings" three times in a row. It helps.
Same here. I was not allowed to pass to a higher pay grade or job title than my mother. She never liked any man I dated or my friends either. I learned very early on to keep any of my relationships under her radar.
The same thing happened to me, their only concern was their separate love lives. Even years later they told me to listen to them and choose my own career, it was too late. They gave me some values but they crushed all them .I have distanced the man I love from many issues and now he has a baby. But when my father found a woman who is 12 years older than me, he said to me "I will marry her no matter what" and said that love is more important than success carrier. They stole 13 years of my life, now I lost everything I loved even if I wanted it.
@kingkazma3246 When I was 42 I got ordered to stay at a job and the reason I was ordered to do this was my father was terminally ill and I said no I was not staying at that job to please other people and with all due respect the world didn't revolve around my father and how others have lives as well and the world doesn't stop spinning because he was terminally ill! After that ding dong I ended up with a silent treatment that has lasted 5.5 years which is ridiculous but I'm glad I said my piece!
I suspect that one of the most important things these discussions on this channel do is to allow us, as people who were raised by raging lunatics, to see that we were really not the only ones, which is what it probably felt like for many of us as we emerged into adulthood.
@@harrietleah212hugely agreed. the loneliness of it all threatened to destroy me more than anything. finding likeminded souls means the world even if just online.
That has helped me immensely, as I’ve listened to this very Wise man, and others on YT who help light our paths. We find one another, and can validate one another. That is healing in itself.
Raised by raging lunatics - totally and to be able to say it just like that. My oldest brother turned out to be a raging lunatic parent and a big rotten bully to his wife. So basically he lwt the raging lunatics win.
Trust God and the universe to deal with them in perfect and just ways, just go and walk free. Working on acceptance of disbelief/not understanding how this could be or how people can do the things they do myself. You are free, and the injustice will be taken care of by greater forces than we can even be aware of. Take comfort, friend. It is unbelievable what people are capable to do. You must have a good heart. Don't let what happened or them convince you otherwise.
Unfortunatley they can put on a great show in front of authorities, and the child ends up being blamed for causing trouble. If the child didnt cause the trouble, then all would be good. It is cruel, but a cruelty that is hidden.
@@yolandaleigh4198 Absolutely. But they can make child look guilty even when is not, so you can't win with them. In the eyes ofi society, police, judges, doctors etc. they are always right and innocent. They are dangerous.
I've just realized that. It was so painful to realize I wasn't living or haven't been living.. Me, where have I been, have I been existing? Not so much,
@@SibyllaCumana absolutely! And so much pain, layers and layers of it. And the overwelming impotente of not being able to protect or soothe the child I was at any age or the person I've been at any age before
I was gifted a covert narc mom and a neglectful narc dad w bpd which means all you describe in this video was regularly dished out in our home. But what finally made me go no contact with them both is that the behaviors continued into adulthood with no accountability, regret, or attempt to change.
I did this as well. I was 38 and had 5 years of therapy just to straighten out my head and feel like staying on this planet. I had moved out of their home, and it hit me that this is not going to change. They see nothing wrong as they have been operating this way forever. I went no contact. My siblings went nuts. You can't do that to your parent! Well, they had no idea how attached my mother was to me as her servant. She started showing up on their doorstep unannounced. One was 3 states away. They had no idea how bad it was for me until then. And because I know my mother I made copies of the letter I sent saying I'm done. When She tried to twist what I said, they had a copy and could rebuke it and give a page number! It's peaceful now, but I am still ashamed of having feelings at all, and don't want people near me. So I have more work to do I guess. God give us all strength ! ❤
I never got the how extreme my narc mom until i saw my mom shaming and anger at my daughter for not wearing what she wants her to wear or her hair the way she wanted. I realized mom mistreatment didn’t stop with me My daughter was told to not tell anyone they are related because mom was too embarrassed of the way she looked and how she ate and what she ate. I reduced moms time in my daughters life The relief came when mom passed.
It was a huge wake up call for me too. Mum went absolute hissing-snake about my then 15yo checking herself out in the mirror (as all good 15yo's do 🤣) She fully expected me to join in the bitch fest she was having in her own head. Meanwhile, I'd been observing my girl and thinking how lovely and teenagery it all was, and I was pleased that she seemed to like what she saw. Mum's reaction really triggered me, and make me realize all the similar vitriol she aimed at me, at a similar age, had absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with her own inner nastiness. My daughter was the golden grandchild, and STILL she behaved like that towards her. Just so disgusting. It was the last year I asked my daughter to dress up for my mother at Christmas, as apparently nothing pleases her. Dressed up nicely, and she was vain etc etc. By the following year, she was starting on her 90's grunge era. That's not good enough either. Apparently she was drawing attention to herself, and not in a good way. The criticisms went on and on and on, but that was the main take away. There's absolutely no room for humanity to exist in my mother's world. Even my daughter's face/demeanor in public (in particular) was under attack. Poor kid was just armoured up, after some nasty attention from some predators out in public. She just wants to be left alone, and was working through the best ways to achieve that. Mum was tearing her to bits over it, behind her back, and telling me she was going to talk to her about it. I've gone no contact, but the kids are still in it to a certain extent. They don't know the extent of the abuse. I wish we could afford to move far away. It will be a relief when she eventually passes, but I feel immense guilt for feeling that way. I just want to be left alone, and I want her to leave my kids in peace. Her behaviour is just disgusting.
A covert vulnerable narcissist grandmother, sitting slumped on the floor fake crying to a three/four year old and saying look, grandmom is crying (because the child refused to put on a cardigan), who's going to comfort grandmom now?
I cut off my mom. Im not ever contacting her again. She will not hear from me unless she is awakening or start awakening by going through alot of things. Or maybe she will never awaken. I dont talk much to my dad either cause he is so focused on his money and his own happiness. I dont need people like this in my life not even my family. I also do not talk much with my sister either but I cannot cut her off yet cause she has my daughter and the childservice is my carmics. Im staying alot by myself working on bettering things in my life so I can get my girl fully home. Buy myself my own place and make it seem like Im doing really good and then rent out my home and leave when Im able to that is my plan! Leave my hometown when things are better economically for me.
I wear shorts in winter. I get a lot of comments. I do it because I want to experience that I decide what I do, whether someone else likes it or not. I'm not hurting anyone by wearing shorts. It makes me happy to make my own decisions and not being manipulated anymore. Whether someone else thinks it's crazy or stupid, I just do it. I'm angry and tired of doing what someone else wants. My mother has always controlled me with her narcissistic behavior. I am now fifty years old and have finally distanced myself from her. I have also been clean from alcohol and drugs for five years now. For 28 years I numbed my feelings and I didn't understand why.
You’re absolutely right! Do what makes you happy. My equivalent of shorts in winter - is a dab of ketchup on certain foods, e.g. chicken steak. Writing these words, it seems ridiculous these perfectly normal and harmless things are picked upon mercilessly. Wishing you much love, health and happiness ❤
Well done congratulations on bring off substances for 5 years. That takes great strength. Also people are so pass remarkable. Wearing shorts all year is your business. It may be worth concentrating on the feelings or sensations you experience in different weather conditions on your legs. Sometimes this is a really helpful way of learning more about ourselves. It can help us know how we feel in our bodies and what is comfortable and what is stressful. So then we get better at looking after our bodies and it can bring stress down a notch when we are needing to interact with difficult people. When my head gets cold, i like to put a soft woolly hat on. I do this indoors also and sometimes in bed, I do not have hair loss.
Oh Jerry! Breaking boundaries - brings painful emotions. I'm 70 now and my mother died 22 years ago. I lived with her until I was 47, most of the time thinking we are best friends with Mom. Only years after her death I began to see red flags, and only 3 years realized she was covert narcissist. When I was 15 I wrote a letter to my best friend and Mom wanted to read it. I felt it was wrong, but couldn't explain why. "Can't you trust your own mother?" So I gave in. There was nothing special for her to learn from the letter, no criticism of her God forbid. To this day I feel like I was raped!!! And yes, I can compare, I was raped by a stranger in my late 30s. I didn't even tell anybody about it, I felt shame and despair as if somehow I deserved to be raped by a stranger 😭😭😭😭 And still the feeling was not as nasty, as when she read my letter😢
Thank you for sharing. I agree now looking back it feels like emotional rape - I still have so much work ahead of me to heal❤ I wish you a wonderful beautiful life ahead. You deserve it🎉
I'm having to stay with them for a while. My mom knows I went to culinary school, and each of my meals is met with the weirdest behavior. She'll hide the food, ask others if it was cooked properly, hover while I cook ... my dad will purposely act like he's eating garbage. It's absolutely bizarre. My husband knows I'm a good cook and enjoys everything I prepare. The other day, she made him a lunch at 9am knowing there were leftovers from my meal, and didn’t want him enjoying them too much.
I also have experienced this kind of bizarre behavior. I have not been able to fathom the psychological dynamic behind it. I was humiliated, and it was intentional. They wanted me not to imagine that I was something special (a good cook). They seemed to want, that I feel, that I am nothing. My narcissistic mother's sister, my aunt, even used to look at me, as if I wasn' t there at all. I was too much for her. She refused even to see me sometimes.
@user-ep9fu2be4z: I know this one so well - this bizarre behaviour of the narcissist and their supporters/flying monkeys; this insidious, covert, deeply, deeply harmful eroding of you. Thank you for what you wrote and how you expressed yourself - I now know that one other person in this world knows this first hand and I'm not alone. Please get out of there as fast as you can. All the best to you.
"you hurt my feelings because you didn't get a haircut" WOW. To know that I'm not the only one in the world who has been on the receiving end of this kind of nonsense - thank you Jerry.
@@emilianoherrera5310 once I realized that it was THEIR problem with THEIR "upsetness" as Jerry has said, I was able to cut my reactivity around that issue by about 75% immediately. I mean really - why would someone care THAT MUCH about another adult's haircut or clothing. Their issue - not mine! 🩷
Strange how their relentless intrusion forced me to introversion to survive. Which made them madder. How about that. Thanks Jerry, for this great insight.
Constant criticism, and " WHATS THE NATTER WITH YOU !" Or "HOW DUMB CAN YOU GET ?" or "WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU ?" Lots of yelling, us kids walked on eggshells and lived in fear of getting a backhand or a whooping or punches when I was old enough. All seven of us kids left home as soon as possible, 4 of us dropping out of school and leaving as soon as we turned 17. We rarely returned home, and we don't even talk with each other. So sad. Thanks pop.
That wasnt good enough , thats the best you can do , all you speak of , lying to the school when asked why i had bruises all over me and said i fell out of a tree. no contact is the best policy !
You are not alone. I think maybe the distance siblings who left early have more of a chance of something like normal than the ones who try hang out together or glue together
My mother never allowed me my own autonomy as a child or teenager. And in my young adulthood I started claiming it slowly and she turned the family against me.
I'm not sure which part is harder - when they believe the parent's version of whatever insane tale is told or when they slowly distance from you and don't even communicate why
WOW!!! This describes not only my parents, but many of my past teachers and some of my former friends. Anyone that deviated even slightly from their mindset was wrong, weird, disobeying God, condemned to hell, selfish, or not living in reality.
Thank you Jerry, I have been watching your videos for a few yrs now. You are the one that finally helped me make sense. Sadly my life has been one of many losses. I could never find the answers I needed until you came into my life. You are a true blessing to many. I hope your talks can reach the younger generations, so they do not have to suffer as I did.
Yes - a saying that Jerry has with genuineness and context for us adults is “Your family situation is hopeless but nor serious” we are adults now and it is hopeless this is what they do and how they relate, they will not or do not want to change. Our efforts to lead by example, turn the other cheek, do onto others etc, this just leaves us open to further abuse as we now play into the madness in a new way, the over responsibility. Yes, this was never known to me. Decades of life going in a direction that was harmful for me and a therapist who basically just sat there… psycho education is vital.
I wasn't allowed to cry, say no,talk back and alot of other things that messed me up all my life. I had 2 narcissistic parents, I mean REAL narcissist, not just some characteristics of narcissism. LOVE = CONTROL in my family. I wish I had been loved to know what it was like. I know Jesus loves me at least.
I wasnt permitted to choose a career that suited me. He forced me into something that was not in line with my gifts. Ive truly never lived up to my potential and now i can see why. Thanks once again.
When I had blood clots on my lungs when I was 41 it was the best thing that could have happened to me as by accident it took me away from a lifestyle I hated and never wanted to achieve in the first place! At the doctors one had called me a poor thing for having gone through that and I said no I'm not a poor thing it was the best thing that could have happened to me as it took me away from a lifestyle I never wanted in the first place!
I remember my mother getting mad at me for not getting a haircut at her graduation ceremony for getting her masters degree. The irony being I was the only one who supported her. I was only important when I made mistakes. Then everyone in my family never wanted to stop talking about me.
you only stick out when you are able to be utilized for their selfishness and of course the vultures teeth at an opportunity to feel somebody is beneathe them
It wasn't enough that I made my dad's favorite band my own favorite; I also had to match my favorite *member of the band* to his. I know it's a superficial example, but it still pisses me off.
after many years you know exactly how they operate and you dont feel hurt because they do something , but because you know exactly that they want to hurt you--the one way or the other..and that hurts
My dad did this always. He died 10 years ago and now my sister has taken over his role. She does everything she can to control me and when I don’t do what she wants I’m “selfish.”
I had forgotten myself, now I started to remember. I told everyone everything that was inside me. I relaxed a little, now I need to heal myself.its so god damn difficult
@@こなた-m1o @こなた-m1o For many years I expected love from my divorced parents and this was reflected in my friendships. At some point I realized that talking for years was useless, I realized that people did not care about me and were just passing the time. This waiting and insistence lasted for a long time and finally I realized that I could no longer live my life because of others and that it was flowing by. All these videos made me see everything, but they continued as if nothing was wrong and were using me to waste the rest of my days like before. And I said enough is enough ,I vomit all my anger because I knew what they did and didn't do for me and I couldn't stand the lies. But talking didn't work because people are the same at 70 as they are at 7 years old. No matter how much you tell them , try to show problems and fix them , they won't want to understand. That's why I recommend you to choose yourself Draw your boundaries and never try to explain yourself more than once like me.
For more than ten years I tried to show and solve the problems. But it was hard to understand that I was the one who was ignored. I found everything I experienced in all the videos. And still, looking into my eyes,They told me that what I felt and experienced wasn't really like that and continued to live as if nothing had happened. There was never an apology or an attempt to make amends. It was hell to continue living like this and I had to save myself, the more I kept quiet the more everyone tried to control. Never be afraid to say what you think is right. They control with fear, if you say and show you are not scared whatever the topic is , they go their way . When I decided to choose myself, I chose not to tolerate this injustice anymore. Look at your childhood photos, save that child, he deserved nothing and it is in your hands to heal him. @@こなた-m1o
@@こなた-m1o Liz and wizard you should watch My messages are not reaching you.I did this because I felt so sad that my heart was leaving my body, I didn't want to live for others anymore, I had no other choice, I lived everything in the videos Those around me, including my family, never fixed anything and never intended to do so. It took me more than ten years to understand and accept this. The more i let them they kept quiet me, the more they felt justified.
Some pretend to be Christians to cover their wickedness. People see them and think real Christians are like them, hypocrites! But Jesus preached against pride(narcissism). The famous rebuke of the Pharisees speech describes narcs perfectly. People get their info on the Bible from the lying narcs and movies rather than read it themselves. The answer is right there but people just plain refuse to take a look. They already know what's in there. The narcs, tv shows, and movies have explained enough, they wrongly believe, to their own detriment. Narcs love it. They can't resist the power of God so it's awesome when their targets rely on their own strength and not God's. Narcs steal souls(mind, will and emotions). They believe those things rightfully belong to them but Scripture shreds them and they starting acting full blown like demons. Not very Christian to act like a demon but that's when the twisted scripture of "judge not!" comes in from the flying monkeys. They don't want you to actually read it. Then you could call them on it and take that power away from them. Then you become a "bigot". lol
I wasn’t allowed to have contradictory or displeasing facial expressions. To this day, my face freezes, and locks up like chilled wax when I am in any stress or being watched or confronted.
@@hayleyd2339Back in 1994 when I was 17 I had broken up with a boyfriend and was upset and got told to cheer up! Thing is where there's no sense there's no feeling either!
Same! I remember once as an adult with 2 small children of my own being forced to stand there and be berated for some reason or another. Unfortunately, one sneaky tear managed to free itself. Her reaction...ohhhhh and here come the waterworks. I'm 55 now and will still do anything to not let anyone see me cry. Problem is it's not just crying, it's ANY excess of emotion. Needless to say I suffer from severe anxiety and depression which my mental health team are trying to stabilise enough for me to tolerate trauma therapy for cPTSD. The damage these parents do is just beyond belief 💔
My opinions and feelings were so invalidated and mocked that I went completely numb. I stopped trying entirely.
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My parents relished my daughter's death because it brought me pain. They blamed me, minimized it, invalidated it and thought it was funny. Detachment is essential. NC was necessary.
The ones who are sadistic and revelle in our pain are the worst. They are so hidden. It’s a major example of gaslighting. There’s not enough written about it. Compassion is not synonymous with approval. You can have compassion for someone and not exactly understand. But to get excited about others pain and suffering is perverse
The death of my one year old niece is what woke me up to the fact that one of my sisters is an overt narcissist. I couldn’t BELIEVE how cruel and cold my narc sister treated our sister (niece’s mother) afterwards- a therapist enlightened me to what NPD is (and that my folks are too). My sister is NC with our narc sister now. I’m so, so sorry for your loss, and for everything you’ve been through. 🫂
Its very painful realizing all these- at this current age (55); at least they're both gone now, but I'm still struggling for everything that has happened to me through the decades: destroyed my career and the lack of it, never had romantic partner, self pity, etc. being alive is a constant struggle...
My father called me a loser who will never amount to anything and made sure to deliver this message on a daily basis, even as a small child. He would drive me around to places like construction sites and say something like “See that guy whose job it is to clean up after the carpenters, the guy picking up garbage. That’s all you will ever be, if you are lucky”. He came home one day with a big pencil eraser. He threw it at me and said “because that’s what you are”. Written on the eraser was “for those big mistakes”. It’s amazing how some adults think nothing of treating kids this way. I’m in my 50’s now and have let go of all my anger, hate and anxiety. I did it by completely cutting my father out of my life
@@MarkV-j5j I would get into trouble at school quite often. While in detention one day the teacher asked me why I always act up in class, this was grade 7 or 8. My answer was “because my house isn’t a very fun place to live”. That night she called my house and told my parents about the nasty rumours I was spreading. This was 40 years ago and times were different. The teacher was in her 60’s and came from a different style of upbringing as well. This teacher certainly wasn’t there to help me.
"I channel you, and you channel me." Oh my gosh, that's so freaking accurate and it hurts to hear it...AND it also helps me move forward into more freedom and healing. Healing always has some pain, as the harm is released.
💢This hits very hard when an individual goes through this nonsense as an adoptee. Adoption trauma is hard enough to deal with by itself, but identity erosion is pure evil....
My parents would say that being that being self-focused was selfish. So my so my choosing my own path in life and not what they wanted was selfish. Here is a petty example. My mother gave me money for 20th birthday, which I used to buy a pair of black jeans. My mother was furious when she found out "But I don't like black jeans!" She then went on about how when I should have bought something she would have liked. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I had always try to guess what my parents wanted.
@ That is something I learned from a therapist when I was in my my mid-twenties. But it is not something my family agrees with. I tried to explain this as reasonably as I could to my mother, but she did not take it well. After that conversation and the ensuing fall-out, I went "no contact" for the second and final time. I had gone no contact for a few years previously but we reconciled for a year, and it was okay at first. I thought we had established healthy boundaries but the same old toxic patterns soon re-emerged.
Leave them. If you are of good character you enable those scumbags. It is OK to say that they are Bad people so it's OK to get distance from Bad people. Think about yourself
Agreed with everything except “don’t blame them”. You should blame them but take accountability for fixing yourself. If you don’t properly assign then you can’t properly heal.
Assigning is not blaming. Thanks for watching and commenting. Blaming hurts you not them and doesn’t make them take responsibility for their actions. Of course we want to own our own truth but that’s not blaming
@ assigning is placing something as the cause. Blame does the same thing. Blaming just has a more blunt and emotional connotation. Recognizing causative agents is about seeing reality more clearly not seeking validation from the perpetrators.
@@adonaiel-rohi2460i agree with your perspective. i couldn’t even start getting free till i broke through the guilt and shame and blamed them as the true cause of my emotional struggles all these years. not staying there, of course, but it’s absolutely a part of the path. blame, anger, release, then freedom.
@@こなた-m1o I think it’s fine to keep the blame on someone who is worthy of blame even if you do recover they still created the injury in the 1st place. Blame does not have to mean stagnancy in your recovery.❤️🩹
I agree and also it is do not waste any of your energy on blaming them or examining in detail, use your energy for you tp make your life better. I can hear this from Jerry Wise because of context of a lot of information. That is different than someone throwing it out there.
I managed to escape the enmeshment and become my own person. Then, my parents aged and needed care. After 30 years of being well-differentiated, it amazed me how I had to fight to prevent myself becoming engulfed by their mental illnesses. Weeks before she died, I took my mom to a music festival in the park. One of the musicians spotted me in the crowd and invited me to come play with them. Immediately, Mom was uncomfortable. Within 5 minutes she was "tired" and "needed to go." I took her the 1/2 block to her apartment, intending to go back and enjoy the festival. No dice. Mom wanted "to talk." Knowing she wouldn't be around much longer, I tried to give her space and time. There was no conversation. As I suspected, she didn't want to talk. She simply didn't want me interacting with others and having fun without her being in charge. It felt like being 16 all over again. I could never go on a date or have fun with friends without Mom or Dad hovering nearby, interrupting or just wanting to go home if I started getting too much attention or having too much fun. How much our toxic parents steal of our lives and enjoyment of life!
@@debrasellitti3006 I'm so sorry! I've forgiven my parents, realizing they could not give me what they did not have. However, sometimes when listening to others recount what they did growing up, in high school, etc, I feel a loss that can never be filled. I have a wonderful husband (that's what happens when you heal) and 2 wonderful daughters. I am blessed, and try to be happy with that.
Or, not Narcs themselves but freezing you out, taking the rich N mom’s side, because the hope of getting 1/2 instead of 1/3 of her inheritance is more important to them than staying in a relationship with you.
Jerry, thank you. I can’t appreciate you enough. I remember as a child I would go into my room after abuse and I would look into the mirror and say “I hate you I hate you”. I thought I was saying it to them, but I realize now as an adult how damaging it was to me. Thank you for allowing me freedom. Your work here is much needed and appreciated.
This is so enlightening. Doing my own re-parenting is the greatest help. Deprogramming can be replaced with reprogramming to access the true-self that got buried…….No more cooperating in my own oppression! Thank you, Jerry, for your incredible insight and for the toolbox of metaphorical hammers and nails to help tackle the massive rebuild-one brick, one two by four, one shingle at a time. Bless you a thousand-times over. I feel like I’m finally getting it-metaphically replacing my soft woolen beret for a hard-hat…..The asphalt roof on my remodeled spirit-house will have a sky-light (for sun, moon and star-gazing) after all. Holy Smoke!!! Golly-Gee!!! and WOW-Wee!!!💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜🌻
Agree. I love my parents. They aren't full-blown narcissist. But they tooken their childern through alot. Leading to heavy emotional damage. I found my self needing holy spirit help to guide me to understand my stunt mental growth and gain emotional intellgance. I'm still staying strong powering-through. But there's times when my parents are in the room and i'm not open to say many things, due to intervening critiques from them.
Thank you SOOO much for adding the words “mentally ill.” My mom was on the narcissism spectrum but did not meet sufficient criteria for the diagnosis. Watching your videos, which are WONDERFUL, triggers my shame response, and I have to tell her spirit I know she did the best she could with the tools she had in order to tamp down the anxiety I feel for having critical thoughts about her-which isn’t even true. So…the simple qualification-that mental illness and toxicity can have a similar impact-makes a big difference for me. Thank you for putting together these videos!
Part of the time I think I just shut down and other times fighting to stay me or have a voice etc was always with such great difficulty and with constant opposition and/or backlash…which was so exhausting. As long as you’re having to deal with them, it just becomes like a default to “pick your battles.” At least until you can get further away. (Bcuz you can’t fight them all Bcuz unless it’s to their benefit, the opposition or the “anti you” is a constant with them). I finally found my place to go tho. Closing on a house. Mostly tho I’m just tired of the whole “holding the fort”’gig with them. Moving away really is more about the fact that I can simply relax and not have to always be pushing back against their constant bs or not having to always be up in arms to defend my turf. What it actually takes ya know. To be able to pull that off. How tired and weary I am of it. It really is a vortex tho. If you want to stay in tact, it’s constant hard work always having to hold back the force of gravity like that. Just a few more little steps and I will finally be over that line where the “pull” will have a very hard time reaching me. You have to work your ass off doubly tho. All the things you need to do to make things happen or progress AND at the same time fight off that force as well. I guess the good news is that at least it IS possible to accomplish it.
Yesterday I found myself so torn about having to go to see my sick mom , I really felt the toxic environment and could not believe how I survived this and stayed all those years and still play this role (i finally stayed in and felt sick of it), I really can relate to point 4 today where you say "negativity that has been heaped upon us for so long", thank you for your colossal work..... point 1 where you say I channel you and you channel me is a bit strange to understand for me now, all your videos are kind of a struggle to have to acknowledge and listen to the devastating reality of a lifetime but are necessary 😢; I recently also strongly felt that I am so used to abuse that I don't t feel/react to it anymore as it should be done, I can understand now how some women who are beaten stay with their abusive men ....
I am SO glad I had awesome parents. They taught me well! My (now ex) husband however, was a narcissist but I NEVER let him get in the way of developing great kids. When we FINALLY separated (much to his chagrin after 20 years of marriage) our children were mid-late teenagers and luckily he wanted nothing to do with them so I raised them as best I could. They (all 3... boy, girl, boy) have become wonderful human beings and I am so proud of them.
Spot on! Whenever I got the courage to do something big for myself - the narc parents would lead with silent treatment. When I joined the us marines at 25, my dad gave me 6 months of silent treatment as he didn’t agree with my decision.
That might be why my parents when I was younger didn’t want me to get married. Didn’t want me to date. Didn’t want me to have many friends and get a job and then as they got older, I left the house at 19 didn’t look back till they got older, and I moved back to the samecity that they were in, I got married and had kids.
Thank you sooo much Dr. Wise!!!! I wasn’t too good at staying calm when I was angry and setting a boundary with my Mom. I see many of your ways in your video that my Mother did my entire life. I am starting to believe that no only is she Bi-polar but has Narcissistic tendencies as well. She doesn’t want to see me right now. Thank you for helping me believe that it’s okay to just let her be disappointed!! I will not call her. I know I need to stop enabling her bad behavior.
I didn't start thinking about inner boundaries nor even realizing what they are till I was about 45. Your videos have helped me more than I can describe, Jerry. Thank you.
I suffered a severe TBI 24 years ago at age 11, just to go home from the hospital (3 months later) where I had to relearn how to literally just "live life", not understanding I was being taught by a narcissist parent. My brain didn't have time to heal, because of the ongoing emotional/mental abuse. Now that I'm realizing this (through your teachings and my own therapist), I'm 35 years old with a brain that is having trouble breaking away from the years of control and WAY BEHIND in things that should have been taught to me, starting 24 years ago. Instead of teaching me how to act socially, cope in certain situations, and mature with age, I was the "go-getter" and did JUST what was told of me. If I headed left or right with my own personality, I was in THE WRONG and would get yelled at for days and berated on how I "should" be thinking/acting. I was not allowed to go places, speak of our life or break away from the "family dynamics" at all. My therapist (met her just this last month), is shocked by my recent brain scans. She told me I'm a miracle, because "your brain is THAT damaged". And after sharing some past family troubles, she now has me starting a therapy to help teach me social skills. Hopefully with my brain as bad as it is, it just means there will be more room to work with!! (brain atrophy joke on my part; I really do still have some humor 😁). But 24 years, wasted, because I was only wanted to be used as a "go-getter" and as a scapegoat.
Praying for you. Blessings on your recovery. It's never too late. Your story touched me because I have a brother with a brain injury living with my parents now.
@@julianneh.1768 Thank you. It's a hard road traveled, but with patience and healthy support, forward strides can be made (as I've learned in the recent year). My prayers go out to you and your brother as well; gotta keep on, keeping on.
I'm very sorry that your parent did that to you. Be encouraged that your brain has and will compensate and you will be able to do what you need to to heal. Dr. Rahul Jandial has great and encouraging insights on the brain that you may want to listen to.
Hey Jerry! You fuc#in' rock! also im really grateful that youre honest about your experiences.. it makes me feel not alone in this and also I think it's kind of brave and shows also that you know what you are talking about, much love xd
I find your videos so informative. You are describing dynamics within my family and with my mother that have always eluded me. Best of all you really point to the way out of this bondage, god there's hope!!!
I can relate to every one of these points. Even though my parents are long dead, I'm still trying to tease out the threads of my damaging upbringing. Your videos bring the most clarity of any I've seen. Deepest thanks.
Jerry, Outstanding and the refresher I needed. Now that we are getting closer to holiday time, I am feeling stressed by my unregulated narc. mom who knows I set boundaries...but continues to refuse to respect and live by them. I've had to seriously put myself in a non-reactive mode to her behind the curtain dealings. Thank you for all that you are, and all that you do! Eileen
Hi there Jerry thank you for your videos I’m 58 years old and was brought up in a very strict Christian parents I left home when I was 17 1/2 years old as I couldn’t take it any longer I accidentally found your channel and have subscribed, Thank You ❤
My stepmom is only happy when I'm down. I texted her about my two years of sobriety, and how happy I was since, and all I heard back was...crickets. when I started seeing a psychiatrist for a mental issue, she said "I hope I dont live to see you put in an institution"! When actually, that is exactly what she IS hoping for 🙄
Mr. Wise I'm fascinated and confused about how so many patterns of narcissistic dysfunction overlap throughout so many different families that never met one another. Is the explanation for it simply human nature? Is there some kind of unidentified system or set of values or whatever in our society that's causing this? I'm not in denial of bad parenting and damaged children it's just bizarre to me that there's so much commonality regarding this. I know a lot of this invisible abuse is intergenerational or carries on from generation to generation but how did it become so common generations ago? I just feel like there's something societal at play here more than just sheer human nature.
Just started therapy at 50 years old…my parental figure is still causing me pain..i just cant take it anymore…one good thing i know for a fact im a way better parent to my kids than was ever shown to me..of course i feel guilty but my parent needs to stay away from..they have zero compassion
My narcissistic, alcoholic mother told me at age 13 that before I say or do anything in life, I was to first consider her feelings and how it would reflect onto her. Even then, I knew that was crazy.
hearing you say that i realize i was explicitly taught the same thing…. wow…. such brainwashing. and i’m pretty sure that kind of crap was considered normal for parents to tell their kids.
Thank you again Jerry. This is the video I needed. I’m planning to schedule seeing your webinar this week. I’m in the middle of trying to look for a job, however, I’m finding I might be bored with it and now I’m having to reevaluate who I am and what I want to do.
I was embarrassed by things that I had. As if I didn’t deserve them. But I got myself a BMW., if someone looked at me when I drove up out of envy, I was embarrassed that I had the car. Now I miss it but don’t have a way to get one again
I remember when I was about 10 or 11:00 my mother told me what I could and could not like and what kind of men I was supposed to like and what they were supposed to look like and all of that
At sixty my mom still tells me no 🤣 but ya know what, I still have respect for her and love her and always forgive her ways. I love my family I will never give up on them IDC what they did .
An interesting video would be on about people raised by one narcissistic parent and one healthy parent. This was my situation growing up and it was very confusing at times to have two parents who had such wildly different attitudes towards me.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
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signed up for tomorrow!
Im realizing this at 50 years old…
R u married I wanna meet you 😢
A narcissistic home is pure evil. You need to start all over again learning to be human❤
Workplace filled with narcissists is also pure evil.
This is SO true. Only after I got out of back to back (raised by one, sucked into the next) relationships so it’s been the last nearly two years for me to be able to know who I am and be kind to myself.
Learning to be YOU! Whatever that looked like.
🎯And what's worse is seeing people younger who've surpassed where the target was supposed to have accomplished years ago.......💢Triggers me every time the thought comes up, because at the end of the day the abusers get away and leave the target to deal with the accountability. Society will most likely take the abuser's side any damn way......
@@Dmitrij-nl3sc I couldn't agree more
What I learned growing up in a narcissistic family is that my feelings don't matter, but that I should bend and mold myself to please others in order to avoid hurting their feelings. Any time I tried to express my feelings, I would be called sensitive or self centered, so as an adult I became people pleasing and learned to silence my own needs.
I can relate!
This was my parents. Eventually my younger sibling fell in their footsteps.
You probably know this by now, but you were, most likely, assigned the role of scapegoat.
@@brianna094 🎯
My parents used to get furious whenever they saw me happy
Mine too. I found myself hating people that are happy.
Pure demonic!
Mine as well. One day, I was super happy and not depressed and quiet as always and they SCREAMED in my face, insulted me, asked me if I was insane and out of my mind. In that moment I got that they don't want me happy and laughing, they want me depressed and crying. It was a total shock to me, that someone wants that for their own child.
Mine too!! I always felt guilty if I was happy about something! 😢 sometimes I still do
My wife did also.... now she is an ex-wife!
What an important statement, "Stop blaming them and focus on yourself, they won't change" it's hard for everyone I know! But trust! There's light at the other side of the tunnel! Big hugs to everyone going through this with parents or siblings or anyone narcissistic.
@mariag5201 I've said it before and I'll say it again. Bless the therapist who told me to stop trying to find a way to communicate with my mother that wouldn't make her angry and start structuring our communication to keep myself as safe as possible. She eventually violated enough boundaries to make "as safe as possible" into NC.
I’m here to say “Amen!” I have a brother whom I can’t visit, without his dragging us all into the mess our parents made of our lives as children. There is no doubt that our father was more dangerous, but my mother made me hate my body, and myself.
All the abuse has been well established, by all of us. Where do we go from here? That’s what we need to discuss. We have a choice, now.
Thank you for your video I had a jewish mother who made other jewish mothers negligent. I WISHED HER HAPPY SMOTHERS DAY
Yes the Narcs are to blame ... I would have worded it ... "Stop hoping they can change ... and focus on yourself" 👍
One thing I have learned is that I am not responsible for how the narcissist feels.
Back in 1998 I was 21 and had decided to stay at a b and b instead of with my family and the way they reacted was ridiculous like the sky had fallen in and the world had ended all because they couldn't have their way!
I never did give them their way though!
@joannesaltfleet2071 good for you. Well done for being so assertive at such a young age.
Staying at a BnB and their fuss, could be about optics. They would not want people to know
Looking back, I recognize that when I went back to school for my masters (I was in my early 50's) my mother's head exploded. For the first time in my life I was going to be financially independent. I was going to have a full-time professional career.
She went absolutely bonkers trying to prevent me from getting a job in my field and being a fully independent adult.
Later, when I walked out on my abusive ex, it was like someone had declared open season on me. Huge campaign to persuade me I couldn't cope on my own.
No. I'm not some kind of human bonsai that she can twist to be what she wants. She thinks we're NC because I'm unstable. Nope. We're NC because she's not safe.
Wow! Good for you! The last thing you mentioned about NC- that is what my family thinks as well. All the best!🤗💕
Emphasis on the last paragraph... isn't it incredible ? 😂😂❤❤ God bless
@@brianna094 I'm a gosh-darned blackberry bramble. 🤣🤣🤣 It was delicious the first time a text came in and I knew I wasn't going to respond.
😢😢 this video was truly what I needed to not feel as if I am alone and delusional.
@skylafragrances 💕
I was never allowed to speak.
And if I did I got beaten for it
God bless you.
That is one of the worst.
Mine never shuts up! Yet when I speak she tells me to hush.
@@lauragadille3384I'm sorry that happened to you, mine was a similar experience, we were to be seen but not heard, that was very convenient for them not to have to deal with us kids, Please try to let it go so you can be happy in life
Same here. Everything was dictated and controlled. We were always lectured and told what was going to happen whether I liked it or not, and I was never asked my opinion about anything, how I felt, what I wanted.
My mother's mind is as small as a matchbox. As long as I was small and fitted into it, it was ok. Since my mind started to expand she terrorized me (calling it: appealing to my conscience), accused me of not loving her, of wanting to hurt her on purpose, of being in league with her ex husband (my father). I had to hide my inner thoughts, dreams and wishes and my intellectual interests from her or else she would be "hurt".
It's not my fault my mind is larger than hers and that it continues expanding. I'm done apologizing for being intelligent just because she isn't.
And it's not my fault if she doesn't know how to process her emotions. When I feel guilty again or when the anxiety kicks in, I repeat to myself, "My mother's sins are not mine" and "I don't have to understand my mother's feelings" three times in a row. It helps.
I was not allowed to choose my career path or marry the man I loved.
Yet they did what ever the hell they wanted, they think that they are gods.
Same here. I was not allowed to pass to a higher pay grade or job title than my mother. She never liked any man I dated or my friends either. I learned very early on to keep any of my relationships under her radar.
The same thing happened to me, their only concern was their separate love lives. Even years later they told me to listen to them and choose my own career, it was too late. They gave me some values but they crushed all them .I have distanced the man I love from many issues and now he has a baby. But when my father found a woman who is 12 years older than me, he said to me "I will marry her no matter what" and said that love is more important than success carrier. They stole 13 years of my life, now I lost everything I loved even if I wanted it.
@kingkazma3246 When I was 42 I got ordered to stay at a job and the reason I was ordered to do this was my father was terminally ill and I said no I was not staying at that job to please other people and with all due respect the world didn't revolve around my father and how others have lives as well and the world doesn't stop spinning because he was terminally ill!
After that ding dong I ended up with a silent treatment that has lasted 5.5 years which is ridiculous but I'm glad I said my piece!
Ditto. I am so sorry. It's destroyed my life.
I suspect that one of the most important things these discussions on this channel do is to allow us, as people who were raised by raging lunatics, to see that we were really not the only ones, which is what it probably felt like for many of us as we emerged into adulthood.
very true. it’s so important to feel like you’re not alone
@@harrietleah212hugely agreed. the loneliness of it all threatened to destroy me more than anything. finding likeminded souls means the world even if just online.
That has helped me immensely, as I’ve listened to this very Wise man, and others on YT who help light our paths. We find one another, and can validate one another. That is healing in itself.
Raised by raging lunatics - totally and to be able to say it just like that. My oldest brother turned out to be a raging lunatic parent and a big rotten bully to his wife. So basically he lwt the raging lunatics win.
Agreed.
This is so hurtful and harmful, I don’t know why they don’t get in trouble for this.
Agree. But law and system are always on their side. So no trouble to them, only for us.
Society is narcissistic in general.
Bc it's hard for 'normal' people to believe anyone would donthis to their own child. So everyone can't see it
Trust God and the universe to deal with them in perfect and just ways, just go and walk free. Working on acceptance of disbelief/not understanding how this could be or how people can do the things they do myself. You are free, and the injustice will be taken care of by greater forces than we can even be aware of. Take comfort, friend. It is unbelievable what people are capable to do. You must have a good heart. Don't let what happened or them convince you otherwise.
Unfortunatley they can put on a great show in front of authorities, and the child ends up being blamed for causing trouble. If the child didnt cause the trouble, then all would be good. It is cruel, but a cruelty that is hidden.
@@yolandaleigh4198 Absolutely.
But they can make child look guilty even when is not, so you can't win with them.
In the eyes ofi society, police, judges, doctors etc. they are always right and innocent.
They are dangerous.
I've just realized that. It was so painful to realize I wasn't living or haven't been living.. Me, where have I been, have I been existing? Not so much,
I feel you
I relate.
@lorenartforall It's a punch in the gut when all of their projection hits you.
@@saraheck7898 especially if you realise it after 40
@@SibyllaCumana absolutely! And so much pain, layers and layers of it. And the overwelming impotente of not being able to protect or soothe the child I was at any age or the person I've been at any age before
I was gifted a covert narc mom and a neglectful narc dad w bpd which means all you describe in this video was regularly dished out in our home. But what finally made me go no contact with them both is that the behaviors continued into adulthood with no accountability, regret, or attempt to change.
I did this as well. I was 38 and had 5 years of therapy just to straighten out my head and feel like staying on this planet. I had moved out of their home, and it hit me that this is not going to change. They see nothing wrong as they have been operating this way forever. I went no contact. My siblings went nuts. You can't do that to your parent! Well, they had no idea how attached my mother was to me as her servant. She started showing up on their doorstep unannounced. One was 3 states away. They had no idea how bad it was for me until then. And because I know my mother I made copies of the letter I sent saying I'm done. When She tried to twist what I said, they had a copy and could rebuke it and give a page number! It's peaceful now, but I am still ashamed of having feelings at all, and don't want people near me. So I have more work to do I guess. God give us all strength ! ❤
I never got the how extreme my narc mom until i saw my mom shaming and anger at my daughter for not wearing what she wants her to wear or her hair the way she wanted. I realized mom mistreatment didn’t stop with me
My daughter was told to not tell anyone they are related because mom was too embarrassed of the way she looked and how she ate and what she ate. I reduced moms time in my daughters life
The relief came when mom passed.
It was a huge wake up call for me too.
Mum went absolute hissing-snake about my then 15yo checking herself out in the mirror (as all good 15yo's do 🤣) She fully expected me to join in the bitch fest she was having in her own head. Meanwhile, I'd been observing my girl and thinking how lovely and teenagery it all was, and I was pleased that she seemed to like what she saw. Mum's reaction really triggered me, and make me realize all the similar vitriol she aimed at me, at a similar age, had absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with her own inner nastiness. My daughter was the golden grandchild, and STILL she behaved like that towards her. Just so disgusting.
It was the last year I asked my daughter to dress up for my mother at Christmas, as apparently nothing pleases her. Dressed up nicely, and she was vain etc etc. By the following year, she was starting on her 90's grunge era. That's not good enough either. Apparently she was drawing attention to herself, and not in a good way. The criticisms went on and on and on, but that was the main take away. There's absolutely no room for humanity to exist in my mother's world. Even my daughter's face/demeanor in public (in particular) was under attack. Poor kid was just armoured up, after some nasty attention from some predators out in public. She just wants to be left alone, and was working through the best ways to achieve that. Mum was tearing her to bits over it, behind her back, and telling me she was going to talk to her about it.
I've gone no contact, but the kids are still in it to a certain extent. They don't know the extent of the abuse. I wish we could afford to move far away. It will be a relief when she eventually passes, but I feel immense guilt for feeling that way. I just want to be left alone, and I want her to leave my kids in peace. Her behaviour is just disgusting.
A covert vulnerable narcissist grandmother, sitting slumped on the floor fake crying to a three/four year old and saying look, grandmom is crying (because the child refused to put on a cardigan), who's going to comfort grandmom now?
I cut off my mom. Im not ever contacting her again. She will not hear from me unless she is awakening or start awakening by going through alot of things. Or maybe she will never awaken. I dont talk much to my dad either cause he is so focused on his money and his own happiness. I dont need people like this in my life not even my family. I also do not talk much with my sister either but I cannot cut her off yet cause she has my daughter and the childservice is my carmics. Im staying alot by myself working on bettering things in my life so I can get my girl fully home. Buy myself my own place and make it seem like Im doing really good and then rent out my home and leave when Im able to that is my plan! Leave my hometown when things are better economically for me.
I wear shorts in winter. I get a lot of comments. I do it because I want to experience that I decide what I do, whether someone else likes it or not. I'm not hurting anyone by wearing shorts. It makes me happy to make my own decisions and not being manipulated anymore. Whether someone else thinks it's crazy or stupid, I just do it. I'm angry and tired of doing what someone else wants. My mother has always controlled me with her narcissistic behavior. I am now fifty years old and have finally distanced myself from her. I have also been clean from alcohol and drugs for five years now. For 28 years I numbed my feelings and I didn't understand why.
You’re absolutely right! Do what makes you happy. My equivalent of shorts in winter - is a dab of ketchup on certain foods, e.g. chicken steak. Writing these words, it seems ridiculous these perfectly normal and harmless things are picked upon mercilessly. Wishing you much love, health and happiness ❤
You rock 🎉😎 This is wonderful. Keep going and keep living a real life. I am beginning as well! You are awesome 🙌 You are free! 🕊️💃🕺🎉❤️🕊️
To thine own self be true, buddy! Woohoo!
I did the same tiny rebellion by having long nails, weirdly enough. It was the one thing I managed to defend.
Well done congratulations on bring off substances for 5 years. That takes great strength. Also people are so pass remarkable. Wearing shorts all year is your business. It may be worth concentrating on the feelings or sensations you experience in different weather conditions on your legs. Sometimes this is a really helpful way of learning more about ourselves. It can help us know how we feel in our bodies and what is comfortable and what is stressful. So then we get better at looking after our bodies and it can bring stress down a notch when we are needing to interact with difficult people. When my head gets cold, i like to put a soft woolly hat on. I do this indoors also and sometimes in bed, I do not have hair loss.
Oh Jerry! Breaking boundaries - brings painful emotions. I'm 70 now and my mother died 22 years ago. I lived with her until I was 47, most of the time thinking we are best friends with Mom. Only years after her death I began to see red flags, and only 3 years realized she was covert narcissist. When I was 15 I wrote a letter to my best friend and Mom wanted to read it. I felt it was wrong, but couldn't explain why. "Can't you trust your own mother?" So I gave in. There was nothing special for her to learn from the letter, no criticism of her God forbid.
To this day I feel like I was raped!!!
And yes, I can compare, I was raped by a stranger in my late 30s. I didn't even tell anybody about it, I felt shame and despair as if somehow I deserved to be raped by a stranger 😭😭😭😭
And still the feeling was not as nasty, as when she read my letter😢
Your feelings are totally valid. I’m so very sorry for the pain she caused you. I so hope you are finding more peace and joy.
Thank you❤@@katiefrankie6
@@lyudmilaboring3454 what you write, it is heartbreaking. Please take care.
@@debrasellitti3006 thank you💗
Thank you for sharing. I agree now looking back it feels like emotional rape - I still have so much work ahead of me to heal❤ I wish you a wonderful beautiful life ahead. You deserve it🎉
I'm having to stay with them for a while. My mom knows I went to culinary school, and each of my meals is met with the weirdest behavior. She'll hide the food, ask others if it was cooked properly, hover while I cook ... my dad will purposely act like he's eating garbage. It's absolutely bizarre. My husband knows I'm a good cook and enjoys everything I prepare. The other day, she made him a lunch at 9am knowing there were leftovers from my meal, and didn’t want him enjoying them too much.
Oh dear. This is difficult and exhausting. My condolences you have to deal with this. Ick.
The food must be delicious! Hopefully you'll get out soon!
She’s so jealous of you. She can’t do what you can.
I also have experienced this kind of bizarre behavior. I have not been able to fathom the psychological dynamic behind it. I was humiliated, and it was intentional. They wanted me not to imagine that I was something special (a good cook). They seemed to want, that I feel, that I am nothing. My narcissistic mother's sister, my aunt, even used to look at me, as if I wasn' t there at all. I was too much for her. She refused even to see me sometimes.
@user-ep9fu2be4z: I know this one so well - this bizarre behaviour of the narcissist and their supporters/flying monkeys; this insidious, covert, deeply, deeply harmful eroding of you. Thank you for what you wrote and how you expressed yourself - I now know that one other person in this world knows this first hand and I'm not alone.
Please get out of there as fast as you can. All the best to you.
"you hurt my feelings because you didn't get a haircut" WOW. To know that I'm not the only one in the world who has been on the receiving end of this kind of nonsense - thank you Jerry.
"Don't you ever think about us when you do these things? We spent so much on educating you right". I wore a black shirt and jeans.
@@emilianoherrera5310 once I realized that it was THEIR problem with THEIR "upsetness" as Jerry has said, I was able to cut my reactivity around that issue by about 75% immediately. I mean really - why would someone care THAT MUCH about another adult's haircut or clothing. Their issue - not mine! 🩷
Strange how their relentless intrusion forced me to introversion to survive. Which made them madder.
How about that. Thanks Jerry, for this great insight.
I once had a Chinese teacher who taught me : when talking with the devil, speak devil-talk. Made perfect sense.
Love this
You mean play along with them?
Not sure what you mean by this
Constant criticism, and " WHATS THE NATTER WITH YOU !" Or "HOW DUMB CAN YOU GET ?" or "WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU ?" Lots of yelling, us kids walked on eggshells and lived in fear of getting a backhand or a whooping or punches when I was old enough. All seven of us kids left home as soon as possible, 4 of us dropping out of school and leaving as soon as we turned 17. We rarely returned home, and we don't even talk with each other. So sad. Thanks pop.
That wasnt good enough , thats the best you can do , all you speak of , lying to the school when asked why i had bruises all over me and said i fell out of a tree. no contact is the best policy !
You are not alone. I think maybe the distance siblings who left early have more of a chance of something like normal than the ones who try hang out together or glue together
Yes
All of that. Still suffering from self suppression
My mother never allowed me my own autonomy as a child or teenager. And in my young adulthood I started claiming it slowly and she turned the family against me.
I'm not sure which part is harder - when they believe the parent's version of whatever insane tale is told or when they slowly distance from you and don't even communicate why
They all use variations of the same dirty tricks, abuses and violations. Similar happens with intimate partner abuse.
WOW!!! This describes not only my parents, but many of my past teachers and some of my former friends. Anyone that deviated even slightly from their mindset was wrong, weird, disobeying God, condemned to hell, selfish, or not living in reality.
Thank you Jerry, I have been watching your videos for a few yrs now. You are the one that finally helped me make sense. Sadly my life has been one of many losses. I could never find the answers I needed until you came into my life. You are a true blessing to many. I hope your talks can reach the younger generations, so they do not have to suffer as I did.
Yes - a saying that Jerry has with genuineness and context for us adults is “Your family situation is hopeless but nor serious” we are adults now and it is hopeless this is what they do and how they relate, they will not or do not want to change. Our efforts to lead by example, turn the other cheek, do onto others etc, this just leaves us open to further abuse as we now play into the madness in a new way, the over responsibility. Yes, this was never known to me. Decades of life going in a direction that was harmful for me and a therapist who basically just sat there… psycho education is vital.
I wasn't allowed to cry, say no,talk back and alot of other things that messed me up all my life. I had 2 narcissistic parents, I mean REAL narcissist, not just some characteristics of narcissism. LOVE = CONTROL in my family. I wish I had been loved to know what it was like. I know Jesus loves me at least.
I wasnt permitted to choose a career that suited me. He forced me into something that was not in line with my gifts. Ive truly never lived up to my potential and now i can see why. Thanks once again.
The same here! I now develop my strength and talents but it is too late to become a professional ❤!
When I had blood clots on my lungs when I was 41 it was the best thing that could have happened to me as by accident it took me away from a lifestyle I hated and never wanted to achieve in the first place!
At the doctors one had called me a poor thing for having gone through that and I said no I'm not a poor thing it was the best thing that could have happened to me as it took me away from a lifestyle I never wanted in the first place!
I remember my mother getting mad at me for not getting a haircut at her graduation ceremony for getting her masters degree. The irony being I was the only one who supported her.
I was only important when I made mistakes. Then everyone in my family never wanted to stop talking about me.
you only stick out when you are able to be utilized for their selfishness and of course the vultures teeth at an opportunity to feel somebody is beneathe them
@@Jhhuhhhytf8 They needed me to be beneath them. Their reputations depended on it.
@@MarkV-j5j Oh absolutely. She hated me for being born. She never wanted to be a parent. Just a stay at home housewife that did whatever she wanted.
Jerry, thank you so much for these videos. You are truly such a blessing and a beautiful soul!
Agreed!
It wasn't enough that I made my dad's favorite band my own favorite; I also had to match my favorite *member of the band* to his. I know it's a superficial example, but it still pisses me off.
🎉🎉Self differentiation = criticism of the narc; 100% loyalty or exile
after many years you know exactly how they operate and you dont feel hurt because they do something , but because you know exactly that they want to hurt you--the one way or the other..and that hurts
I was raised in a very strict Spanish family and me being an only child. So I have a lot of issues. Thank you
Yes I had all those things from my Mum.... not good... critical and guilt trip, not allowed to speak about my feelings at all...
My dad did this always. He died 10 years ago and now my sister has taken over his role. She does everything she can to control me and when I don’t do what she wants I’m “selfish.”
Being selfish isn't always bad
I got accused of supposedly being mean all because I wasn't going to give them their own way!
I never did give in to them though!
I had forgotten myself, now I started to remember. I told everyone everything that was inside me. I relaxed a little, now I need to heal myself.its so god damn difficult
I feel ya!
how did you get the courage to share with others? people you know in real life?
@@こなた-m1o @こなた-m1o For many years I expected love from my divorced parents and this was reflected in my friendships. At some point I realized that talking for years was useless, I realized that people did not care about me and were just passing the time. This waiting and insistence lasted for a long time and finally I realized that I could no longer live my life because of others and that it was flowing by. All these videos made me see everything, but they continued as if nothing was wrong and were using me to waste the rest of my days like before. And I said enough is enough ,I vomit all my anger because I knew what they did and didn't do for me and I couldn't stand the lies. But talking didn't work because people are the same at 70 as they are at 7 years old. No matter how much you tell them , try to show problems and fix them , they won't want to understand. That's why I recommend you to choose yourself Draw your boundaries and never try to explain yourself more than once like me.
For more than ten years I tried to show and solve the problems. But it was hard to understand that I was the one who was ignored. I found everything I experienced in all the videos. And still, looking into my eyes,They told me that what I felt and experienced wasn't really like that and continued to live as if nothing had happened. There was never an apology or an attempt to make amends. It was hell to continue living like this and I had to save myself, the more I kept quiet the more everyone tried to control. Never be afraid to say what you think is right. They control with fear, if you say and show you are not scared whatever the topic is , they go their way . When I decided to choose myself, I chose not to tolerate this injustice anymore. Look at your childhood photos, save that child, he deserved nothing and it is in your hands to heal him. @@こなた-m1o
@@こなた-m1o Liz and wizard you should watch
My messages are not reaching you.I did this because I felt so sad that my heart was leaving my body, I didn't want to live for others anymore, I had no other choice, I lived everything in the videos Those around me, including my family, never fixed anything and never intended to do so. It took me more than ten years to understand and accept this. The more i let them they kept quiet me, the more they felt justified.
Could you cover how narcissistic parents can use religion to gratify themselves, and to demean their children? I would be IMMENSELY grateful.
Some pretend to be Christians to cover their wickedness. People see them and think real Christians are like them, hypocrites! But Jesus preached against pride(narcissism). The famous rebuke of the Pharisees speech describes narcs perfectly. People get their info on the Bible from the lying narcs and movies rather than read it themselves. The answer is right there but people just plain refuse to take a look. They already know what's in there. The narcs, tv shows, and movies have explained enough, they wrongly believe, to their own detriment. Narcs love it. They can't resist the power of God so it's awesome when their targets rely on their own strength and not God's.
Narcs steal souls(mind, will and emotions). They believe those things rightfully belong to them but Scripture shreds them and they starting acting full blown like demons. Not very Christian to act like a demon but that's when the twisted scripture of "judge not!" comes in from the flying monkeys. They don't want you to actually read it. Then you could call them on it and take that power away from them. Then you become a "bigot". lol
I wasn’t allowed to have contradictory or displeasing facial expressions. To this day, my face freezes, and locks up like chilled wax when I am in any stress or being watched or confronted.
me too!
I was always told to just “be happy” basically not to feel upset… *especially after my parents perpetrated something awful I couldn’t dare complain
@@UATU. I’m sorry.
@@hayleyd2339Back in 1994 when I was 17 I had broken up with a boyfriend and was upset and got told to cheer up!
Thing is where there's no sense there's no feeling either!
Same! I remember once as an adult with 2 small children of my own being forced to stand there and be berated for some reason or another. Unfortunately, one sneaky tear managed to free itself. Her reaction...ohhhhh and here come the waterworks. I'm 55 now and will still do anything to not let anyone see me cry. Problem is it's not just crying, it's ANY excess of emotion. Needless to say I suffer from severe anxiety and depression which my mental health team are trying to stabilise enough for me to tolerate trauma therapy for cPTSD. The damage these parents do is just beyond belief 💔
Thank you Jerry for continually helping me to make sense of my life. I'm getting off the hamster wheel guilt free.
My opinions and feelings were so invalidated and mocked that I went completely numb. I stopped trying entirely.
My parents relished my daughter's death because it brought me pain. They blamed me, minimized it, invalidated it and thought it was funny.
Detachment is essential. NC was necessary.
So cold. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.
❤
The ones who are sadistic and revelle in our pain are the worst. They are so hidden. It’s a major example of gaslighting. There’s not enough written about it.
Compassion is not synonymous with approval. You can have compassion for someone and not exactly understand.
But to get excited about others pain and suffering is perverse
@MarkV-j5j no contact
The death of my one year old niece is what woke me up to the fact that one of my sisters is an overt narcissist. I couldn’t BELIEVE how cruel and cold my narc sister treated our sister (niece’s mother) afterwards- a therapist enlightened me to what NPD is (and that my folks are too).
My sister is NC with our narc sister now.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss, and for everything you’ve been through. 🫂
I'm exhausted with my circumstances and you are so correct on what I feel. Thank you for validation 🏹✌️
Its very painful realizing all these- at this current age (55); at least they're both gone now, but I'm still struggling for everything that has happened to me through the decades: destroyed my career and the lack of it, never had romantic partner, self pity, etc. being alive is a constant struggle...
My father called me a loser who will never amount to anything and made sure to deliver this message on a daily basis, even as a small child. He would drive me around to places like construction sites and say something like “See that guy whose job it is to clean up after the carpenters, the guy picking up garbage. That’s all you will ever be, if you are lucky”.
He came home one day with a big pencil eraser. He threw it at me and said “because that’s what you are”. Written on the eraser was “for those big mistakes”.
It’s amazing how some adults think nothing of treating kids this way. I’m in my 50’s now and have let go of all my anger, hate and anxiety. I did it by completely cutting my father out of my life
@@MarkV-j5j I would get into trouble at school quite often. While in detention one day the teacher asked me why I always act up in class, this was grade 7 or 8. My answer was “because my house isn’t a very fun place to live”. That night she called my house and told my parents about the nasty rumours I was spreading.
This was 40 years ago and times were different. The teacher was in her 60’s and came from a different style of upbringing as well. This teacher certainly wasn’t there to help me.
"I channel you, and you channel me." Oh my gosh, that's so freaking accurate and it hurts to hear it...AND it also helps me move forward into more freedom and healing.
Healing always has some pain, as the harm is released.
💢This hits very hard when an individual goes through this nonsense as an adoptee. Adoption trauma is hard enough to deal with by itself, but identity erosion is pure evil....
My parents would say that being that being self-focused was selfish. So my so my choosing my own path in life and not what they wanted was selfish.
Here is a petty example. My mother gave me money for 20th birthday, which I used to buy a pair of black jeans. My mother was furious when she found out "But I don't like black jeans!" She then went on about how when I should have bought something she would have liked. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I had always try to guess what my parents wanted.
She sounds like a nightmare
With respect it's not up to them what you do or don't do as an adult!
@ That is something I learned from a therapist when I was in my my mid-twenties. But it is not something my family agrees with. I tried to explain this as reasonably as I could to my mother, but she did not take it well. After that conversation and the ensuing fall-out, I went "no contact" for the second and final time. I had gone no contact for a few years previously but we reconciled for a year, and it was okay at first. I thought we had established healthy boundaries but the same old toxic patterns soon re-emerged.
Leave them. If you are of good character you enable those scumbags. It is OK to say that they are Bad people so it's OK to get distance from Bad people. Think about yourself
all the lies that said parents can’t be bad people….
Agreed with everything except “don’t blame them”. You should blame them but take accountability for fixing yourself.
If you don’t properly assign then you can’t properly heal.
Assigning is not blaming. Thanks for watching and commenting. Blaming hurts you not them and doesn’t make them take responsibility for their actions. Of course we want to own our own truth but that’s not blaming
@ assigning is placing something as the cause. Blame does the same thing.
Blaming just has a more blunt and emotional connotation.
Recognizing causative agents is about seeing reality more clearly not seeking validation from the perpetrators.
@@adonaiel-rohi2460i agree with your perspective. i couldn’t even start getting free till i broke through the guilt and shame and blamed them as the true cause of my emotional struggles all these years. not staying there, of course, but it’s absolutely a part of the path. blame, anger, release, then freedom.
@@こなた-m1o I think it’s fine to keep the blame on someone who is worthy of blame even if you do recover they still created the injury in the 1st place.
Blame does not have to mean stagnancy in your recovery.❤️🩹
I agree and also it is do not waste any of your energy on blaming them or examining in detail, use your energy for you tp make your life better. I can hear this from Jerry Wise because of context of a lot of information. That is different than someone throwing it out there.
"....blaming increases the enmeshment even more." Thanks, Jerry. I needed to hear that today!
I managed to escape the enmeshment and become my own person. Then, my parents aged and needed care. After 30 years of being well-differentiated, it amazed me how I had to fight to prevent myself becoming engulfed by their mental illnesses. Weeks before she died, I took my mom to a music festival in the park. One of the musicians spotted me in the crowd and invited me to come play with them. Immediately, Mom was uncomfortable. Within 5 minutes she was "tired" and "needed to go." I took her the 1/2 block to her apartment, intending to go back and enjoy the festival. No dice. Mom wanted "to talk." Knowing she wouldn't be around much longer, I tried to give her space and time. There was no conversation. As I suspected, she didn't want to talk. She simply didn't want me interacting with others and having fun without her being in charge. It felt like being 16 all over again. I could never go on a date or have fun with friends without Mom or Dad hovering nearby, interrupting or just wanting to go home if I started getting too much attention or having too much fun. How much our toxic parents steal of our lives and enjoyment of life!
@@sunflower2594 thanks for your comments. I wasn’t allowed to have fun. Didn’t even know what that was.
@@debrasellitti3006 I'm so sorry! I've forgiven my parents, realizing they could not give me what they did not have. However, sometimes when listening to others recount what they did growing up, in high school, etc, I feel a loss that can never be filled. I have a wonderful husband (that's what happens when you heal) and 2 wonderful daughters. I am blessed, and try to be happy with that.
You the man Jerry.
I was never allowed to have friends… I still don’t know how to make or keep them…
Also, narcissistic siblings.
Or, not Narcs themselves but freezing you out, taking the rich N mom’s side, because the hope of getting 1/2 instead of 1/3 of her inheritance is more important to them than staying in a relationship with you.
''You deciding your own reality is not what they want to support.'' Thank you for this quote and for this video, it was very helpful to me.
Jerry, thank you. I can’t appreciate you enough. I remember as a child I would go into my room after abuse and I would look into the mirror and say “I hate you I hate you”. I thought I was saying it to them, but I realize now as an adult how damaging it was to me. Thank you for allowing me freedom. Your work here is much needed and appreciated.
The real self exposes the fake.
Abused people are difficult to live with ...they need help too...is leaving their only option.
This is so enlightening. Doing my own re-parenting is the greatest help. Deprogramming can be replaced with reprogramming to access the true-self that got buried…….No more cooperating in my own oppression! Thank you, Jerry, for your incredible insight and for the toolbox of metaphorical hammers and nails to help tackle the massive rebuild-one brick, one two by four, one shingle at a time. Bless you a thousand-times over. I feel like I’m finally getting it-metaphically replacing my soft woolen beret for a hard-hat…..The asphalt roof on my remodeled spirit-house will have a sky-light (for sun, moon and star-gazing) after all.
Holy Smoke!!! Golly-Gee!!! and WOW-Wee!!!💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜🌻
Agree.
I love my parents. They aren't full-blown narcissist. But they tooken their childern through alot. Leading to heavy emotional damage. I found my self needing holy spirit help to guide me to understand my stunt mental growth and gain emotional intellgance. I'm still staying strong powering-through. But there's times when my parents are in the room and i'm not open to say many things, due to intervening critiques from them.
I believe it was Scott Peck who wrote a book about the damage parents do to their children in terms of evil and nihilistic intentions Scary stuff
Thank you SOOO much for adding the words “mentally ill.” My mom was on the narcissism spectrum but did not meet sufficient criteria for the diagnosis. Watching your videos, which are WONDERFUL, triggers my shame response, and I have to tell her spirit I know she did the best she could with the tools she had in order to tamp down the anxiety I feel for having critical thoughts about her-which isn’t even true.
So…the simple qualification-that mental illness and toxicity can have a similar impact-makes a big difference for me.
Thank you for putting together these videos!
But what's true is, that both of me's , the good and the bad, are ANGRY! Many times we can excuse it!
Part of the time I think I just shut down and other times fighting to stay me or have a voice etc was always with such great difficulty and with constant opposition and/or backlash…which was so exhausting. As long as you’re having to deal with them, it just becomes like a default to “pick your battles.” At least until you can get further away. (Bcuz you can’t fight them all Bcuz unless it’s to their benefit, the opposition or the “anti you” is a constant with them).
I finally found my place to go tho. Closing on a house. Mostly tho I’m just tired of the whole “holding the fort”’gig with them. Moving away really is more about the fact that I can simply relax and not have to always be pushing back against their constant bs or not having to always be up in arms to defend my turf. What it actually takes ya know. To be able to pull that off. How tired and weary I am of it. It really is a vortex tho. If you want to stay in tact, it’s constant hard work always having to hold back the force of gravity like that. Just a few more little steps and I will finally be over that line where the “pull” will have a very hard time reaching me. You have to work your ass off doubly tho. All the things you need to do to make things happen or progress AND at the same time fight off that force as well. I guess the good news is that at least it IS possible to accomplish it.
Yesterday I found myself so torn about having to go to see my sick mom , I really felt the toxic environment and could not believe how I survived this and stayed all those years and still play this role (i finally stayed in and felt sick of it), I really can relate to point 4 today where you say "negativity that has been heaped upon us for so long", thank you for your colossal work..... point 1 where you say I channel you and you channel me is a bit strange to understand for me now, all your videos are kind of a struggle to have to acknowledge and listen to the devastating reality of a lifetime but are necessary 😢; I recently also strongly felt that I am so used to abuse that I don't t feel/react to it anymore as it should be done, I can understand now how some women who are beaten stay with their abusive men ....
Thank you for this video and all you do for me and others!
I am SO glad I had awesome parents. They taught me well! My (now ex) husband however, was a narcissist but I NEVER let him get in the way of developing great kids. When we FINALLY separated (much to his chagrin after 20 years of marriage) our children were mid-late teenagers and luckily he wanted nothing to do with them so I raised them as best I could. They (all 3... boy, girl, boy) have become wonderful human beings and I am so proud of them.
Spot on! Whenever I got the courage to do something big for myself - the narc parents would lead with silent treatment. When I joined the us marines at 25, my dad gave me 6 months of silent treatment as he didn’t agree with my decision.
I have had the silent treatment for 5.5 years and all thats over is that I refused to stay at a job they had ordered me to stay at!
@@joannesaltfleet2071 the good old silent treatment. Glad you changed your job.
@@joannesaltfleet2071 I’m glad you chose you!
That might be why my parents when I was younger didn’t want me to get married. Didn’t want me to date. Didn’t want me to have many friends and get a job and then as they got older, I left the house at 19 didn’t look back till they got older, and I moved back to the samecity that they were in, I got married and had kids.
Same!
Thank you sooo much Dr. Wise!!!! I wasn’t too good at staying calm when I was angry and setting a boundary with my Mom. I see many of your ways in your video that my Mother did my entire life. I am starting to believe that no only is she Bi-polar but has Narcissistic tendencies as well. She doesn’t want to see me right now. Thank you for helping me believe that it’s okay to just let her be disappointed!! I will not call her. I know I need to stop enabling her bad behavior.
I didn't start thinking about inner boundaries nor even realizing what they are till I was about 45. Your videos have helped me more than I can describe, Jerry. Thank you.
I can relate to how they try to suppress my true self.. I have been working on being my true self..
resonates and very painful. much appreciated for your insights as always Jerry.
I suffered a severe TBI 24 years ago at age 11, just to go home from the hospital (3 months later) where I had to relearn how to literally just "live life", not understanding I was being taught by a narcissist parent. My brain didn't have time to heal, because of the ongoing emotional/mental abuse. Now that I'm realizing this (through your teachings and my own therapist), I'm 35 years old with a brain that is having trouble breaking away from the years of control and WAY BEHIND in things that should have been taught to me, starting 24 years ago. Instead of teaching me how to act socially, cope in certain situations, and mature with age, I was the "go-getter" and did JUST what was told of me. If I headed left or right with my own personality, I was in THE WRONG and would get yelled at for days and berated on how I "should" be thinking/acting. I was not allowed to go places, speak of our life or break away from the "family dynamics" at all. My therapist (met her just this last month), is shocked by my recent brain scans. She told me I'm a miracle, because "your brain is THAT damaged". And after sharing some past family troubles, she now has me starting a therapy to help teach me social skills. Hopefully with my brain as bad as it is, it just means there will be more room to work with!! (brain atrophy joke on my part; I really do still have some humor 😁). But 24 years, wasted, because I was only wanted to be used as a "go-getter" and as a scapegoat.
Praying for you. Blessings on your recovery. It's never too late. Your story touched me because I have a brother with a brain injury living with my parents now.
@@julianneh.1768 Thank you. It's a hard road traveled, but with patience and healthy support, forward strides can be made (as I've learned in the recent year). My prayers go out to you and your brother as well; gotta keep on, keeping on.
I'm very sorry that your parent did that to you. Be encouraged that your brain has and will compensate and you will be able to do what you need to to heal. Dr. Rahul Jandial has great and encouraging insights on the brain that you may want to listen to.
Thank you, @@Jskh. I will definitely check Dr. Rahul Jandial's videos out. I've been open to learn as much as I can to find the best way of healing.
@@Jskh Amen!
Hey Jerry! You fuc#in' rock! also im really grateful that youre honest about your experiences.. it makes me feel not alone in this and also I think it's kind of brave and shows also that you know what you are talking about, much love xd
Perfectly described and you have such a lovely calm voice and manner. Thank you.
So nice of you
I find your videos so informative. You are describing dynamics within my family and with my mother that have always eluded me. Best of all you really point to the way out of this bondage, god there's hope!!!
It all makes so much sense. However, for me it wasn’t so much my parents, but another authority figure in my adolescence. It was hell, but this helps.
I can relate to every one of these points. Even though my parents are long dead, I'm still trying to tease out the threads of my damaging upbringing. Your videos bring the most clarity of any I've seen. Deepest thanks.
Jerry, Outstanding and the refresher I needed. Now that we are getting closer to holiday time, I am feeling stressed by my unregulated narc. mom who knows I set boundaries...but continues to refuse to respect and live by them. I've had to seriously put myself in a non-reactive mode to her behind the curtain dealings. Thank you for all that you are, and all that you do! Eileen
Im definitely going to stop blaming them. This is particularly helpful.
Hi there Jerry thank you for your videos
I’m 58 years old and was brought up in a very strict Christian parents I left home when I was 17 1/2 years old as I couldn’t take it any longer
I accidentally found your channel and have subscribed, Thank You ❤
My stepmom is only happy when I'm down. I texted her about my two years of sobriety, and how happy I was since, and all I heard back was...crickets. when I started seeing a psychiatrist for a mental issue, she said "I hope I dont live to see you put in an institution"! When actually, that is exactly what she IS hoping for 🙄
Mr. Wise I'm fascinated and confused about how so many patterns of narcissistic dysfunction overlap throughout so many different families that never met one another. Is the explanation for it simply human nature? Is there some kind of unidentified system or set of values or whatever in our society that's causing this? I'm not in denial of bad parenting and damaged children it's just bizarre to me that there's so much commonality regarding this. I know a lot of this invisible abuse is intergenerational or carries on from generation to generation but how did it become so common generations ago? I just feel like there's something societal at play here more than just sheer human nature.
Just started therapy at 50 years old…my parental figure is still causing me pain..i just cant take it anymore…one good thing i know for a fact im a way better parent to my kids than was ever shown to me..of course i feel guilty but my parent needs to stay away from..they have zero compassion
My narcissistic, alcoholic mother told me at age 13 that before I say or do anything in life, I was to first consider her feelings and how it would reflect onto her. Even then, I knew that was crazy.
hearing you say that i realize i was explicitly taught the same thing…. wow…. such brainwashing. and i’m pretty sure that kind of crap was considered normal for parents to tell their kids.
@@こなた-m1o So sorry, sweetie. They suck.
Thank you again Jerry. This is the video I needed. I’m planning to schedule seeing your webinar this week. I’m in the middle of trying to look for a job, however, I’m finding I might be bored with it and now I’m having to reevaluate who I am and what I want to do.
I was embarrassed by things that I had. As if I didn’t deserve them. But I got myself a BMW., if someone looked at me when I drove up out of envy, I was embarrassed that I had the car. Now I miss it but don’t have a way to get one again
I remember when I was about 10 or 11:00 my mother told me what I could and could not like and what kind of men I was supposed to like and what they were supposed to look like and all of that
Yes I had that as well!
Thank you for the video! and important note to stop blaming (not denying the damage done) and direct this energy for healing.
I am grateful for you & your job, work, help.
I may grow & get well, because of you.
At sixty my mom still tells me no 🤣 but ya know what, I still have respect for her and love her and always forgive her ways. I love my family I will never give up on them IDC what they did .
What do you do when your parents are overly aggressive and use The court system against you,
This is on point, and how parents guilt trip DESPITE all their transgressions?
An interesting video would be on about people raised by one narcissistic parent and one healthy parent. This was my situation growing up and it was very confusing at times to have two parents who had such wildly different attitudes towards me.
From Pray United, we sincerely thank you for sharing such inspiring content. We keep you and your community in our prayers!
Breaking free everyday...thanks wise man
Jerry Wise - you’re Very Wise! Thank you for helping me through your own experience 🙏🙌🙌
You are so welcome