Drugs All Day | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 166
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- Опубліковано 16 чер 2024
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Happy new year and welcome back to 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer! They talk about surgeries, Tom translates Bert's plane conversation, and Kurt Cobain. The Jewish community reacts to Bert's Hitler cup, Bert shares a story about his wife, and the bears trade accidental smuggling stories. They describe their perfect day of drugs, discuss Bert's self awareness, and fitness. Bert then pitches Tom one of his best ideas: 2 Bears 1 Coach, where they interview coaches like Jimmy Johnson, Coach Prime and Phil Jackson.
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UA-cam Chapters
00:00:00 - Intro
00:03:46 - Surgeries and Tom Translates Bert
00:09:01 - Attractive People
00:11:35 - Whitley Heights and Kurt Cobain
00:21:59 - Jewish Community Reacts to Bert's Tea Cup
00:32:43 - Bert Loves His Wife
00:37:51 - Drug Stories
00:41:30 - Tom's Perfect Day of Drugs
00:47:56 - Bert is Self Aware
00:52:59 - Fitness
00:57:03 - 2 Bears 1 Coach
01:08:47 - Bert's Perfect Day of Food and Drugs - Комедії
This podcast always feels like Bert's a guest on Tom's show
Great fan,🌹🎖💫
Wish you a happy new year let make your new year fun 😊
You are among my selected Winners Use the Above name on (Telegram) to Acknowledge your prize.👆👆👆👆👆.......🎉🎉🎉🎉
Tom just has a way about him.
Probably derived from some self inflicted trauma, but I guess I don't really know enough or care to know enough to say definitively. I do however know he'll never read this. 😂
That’s where the magic is, Tom is a master interviewer , Bert’s a master story teller, best combo.
Bert “the Machine” Kreischer and Dwane “the Rock” Johnson should do a movie or show or something together. Tom too…maybe.
@@nathanielcampbell3488 dude, that was the gayest shit ever
“I think I’m a soft narcissist “
-Bart almost having a self realization.
"soft" like the kind of narcissism that's ok to have - the healthy kind
Yeah, no raging narcissist is going to say they're a raging narcissist, they're going to say they're a soft narcissist. Because they're a fucking narcissist
Next week he'll realize his soft racism
He puts the "soft" on there to protect his ego, due to his hardcore and extreme narcissism
and its covert narcissism..neal said it many times...sheesh bart
I love how Tom just looks like he's discovering more and more about his friend every hour😂
The amount of times Bert starts and stops a sentence is some kind of world record.
I do same in text somehow
Pretty common for fat drunks like Bert
Haha we should tell them to try it!
Bert is like a Piñata of random $hit and Tom smacks him from time to time to let more fall out.. We are the kids waiting for the show and candy.
Yes
Accurate😂 🪅
Tom really is a genius, keeping this pod going with him bc he knows Bert may have a lot of faults but he’ll never be boring and the show will be consistently inconsistent. And Tom can just sit there and decompress after his insane tour schedule , laugh and pipe in once and awhile without having to carry the show .
@@clevermissfox Agreed!
I've never heard a more accurate representation of the relationship between us and them.
Imagine a saatva ad that's just Leanne chilling on one side of the bed and Bart doing a cannonball on the other side with no effects to Leanne's sleep. 100%
Genius-level marketing, right there. That sounds exactly like something Bret would do.
Ps. Hawaiian Pizza. Yes or no?
@@CHINESE_PRIDEhell yes.
@@CHINESE_PRIDE Hawaiian pizza is gross as fuck
He doesn’t need another surgery #bertisfat
Those beds break
“I’m very coachable” “I’m not a good listener”. Love ya Bert
Tom is like Bert's handler
The min Bert gestured drinking from a tea cup with his pinky out he inadvertently instructed his fans how to salute him non-verbally. Forever.
Great fan,🌹🎖💫
Wish you a happy new year let make your new year fun 😊
You are among my selected Winners Use the Above name on (Telegram) to Acknowledge your prize.👆👆👆👆👆.......🎉🎉🎉🎉
Yup pinkys up to Bart if I ever see him in public
Classic SpongeBob 😂
Definitely his Jewish Fans
So glad Bert lived to make it to another episode
Toms look he gave Bert when he was talking about getting DP'd in prison was priceless
Watching this waiting for back surgery but Bert's and Tom's view on how great it is, is helping me mentally get thru this.
Best wishes.
Good luck and heal fast!
Bert talks to Tom every week like he's that one friend who's one of your closest, but lives just far enough away that you don't see him all summer, and it's the first day of school and he has so much to tell him
I love how bert thinks he's a host but he's actually the guest / patient
Hearing the producers laugh with us makes me happy, gotta be fun working with these guys
"I'm in Sweden right now I think, I'm in Oslo"
Classic Bruce
If you don't know what this comment is about you are clearly American lol
As a ‘merican who married a Norwegian and moved to Oslo, I’d imagine Scandinavians would love Bart as he’s a literal cartoon character of American stereotypes.
@@mrs.h2725 yeah, we want our Americans fat and dumb here lmao
@@HalinazDziecmi hey some of us Americans are actually educated about other places
Bert*
Buffalo Wild Wings really should hire Bart for their commercials. He's literally the kind of guy who hangs there.
And those hypothetical Jewish families should keep telling him they love him
Yes, with a limited sauce flavor: Mah-Sheen to promote the partnership! It basically writes itself lol
@@danielsliwa1045 no way in hell I'd be eating Bert's Machine Sauce 🤢🤮
@@Frank_Reynolds__. you maybe leave the word "eating" out of that sentence there lol
He’s banned from a few of them lol
Shout out to all the fans from Oslo Sweden!
Bert really is completely hammered all of the time
Pretty much
Psychedelics legit saved my life after the military
Shawn Ryan show?
@@TheDJOblivion
Do I remember you from there?
FMF Corpsman 2nd Battalion 1st Marines.
I openly discuss my experiences with everyone, in the hopes it decreases the number of 22 veterans a day.
@@David_Lo_Panwhat’s 22 veterans a day ?
@@clevermissfox
22 veterans a day, on average, take their lives. Had it not been for shrooms.... i probably would've done to myself what the enemy couldn't do. A lot of my boys took their own lives. Even though I said they could reach out anytime, or crash with me if need be.... when someone is in a dark place, they can feel all alone wven when surrounded by people that love them.
I believe TBI plays a highly undiagnosed role, that gets conflated with PTSD.
Burt 100% reads the comments
Hi Bret
uhhhh hundred percent
Heil Bret
Hi Gary
Hai Mark
I am addicted to Bert’s snorting laugh..
Tom, that shift you’re talking about is happening right now with so many great comedians who have the balls to make their own specials and release them themselves. It’s cool to see that happening the past few years. You and Bert are the best!
Tim's gonna health himself out of being a Bear.
dude yeah he looks incredible - dudes got deltoid demarcations you can tell through his shirt
Another year or two of Testosterone and hitting gym hard won't be able to differentiate him from Jack Lalanne.
Tim.
Not if he’s loving those Oxy’s so much
Opposite Burnt.
Burt adding water to his list was out of left field 🤣
I wasn't aware how badly I needed Bert's Swedish doctor impersonation in my life until I heard it
he should totally voice the Swedish Chef in the next Muppets movie
You need the impersonation like Bert actually needs a fucking doctor
Lol
Nice try, Bert
@@polybiusnymb6446 Bert's illiterate, there's no way he'd post that comment. Also, his side UA-cam profile he uses to comment on UA-cam would probably have a name like "idrinkjizzfromhitler'scup69.
“Thissa guy’s notta gonna be a bigga scientist” 😂😂😂
Listening to Bert plot his drug bender is really like watching a symphony being composed
Bert: Remember the time I used to just speak over you? Used to? Love these guys 😆
He still does, but he used to, too.
@@Eddie_fn_g 😆
Tom giving me some physique goals for the new year!
Bert is before, Tom is after.
He's still fat. He just has shoulders now.
The satisfaction on Tom's face when BERT announced his gift.
Bert's apology to Nadav was the greatest arc in podcast history.
5 mins in and Burnt has already placed Oslo in Sweden
Close enough
Just be proud he knows Oslo is a place
@@LuLu24Ayo Yeah after this many episodes my expectations shouldn't be that high. Good enough for him.
Americans can't even identify their own states. Only time we learn about new countries on a map is when we're bombing them.
oslo was in sweden at one point, but that was a long time ago. Bert may be good at history 🤔
The fact that Bert put Vegemite in his day nestled between Mushrooms Coke and Xanax make this man the GOAT.
Life would be perfect if you had these guys as neighbours. They are pioneers for how big standup comedy has become and how it’s perceived.
I love to laugh.
They honestly will both have amazing legacies…you guys are a rare character mix and I know you will continue to bring laughter in households for decades to come still !
🇨🇦✌🏽
I love the power Tom holds over Berts life lol. Littlest things he does to mess with Bert like the tea cup, or the health jokes he does at the beginning of the shows when hes not on has so much impact on his life its amazing truly beautiful. Tom could single handedly cancel Bert on his own while barely trying if he just woke up one day like what the hell!!! Love you guys
The handle👆 ships the best Psychedelics, MDMA and alot more...
"I work from 6am....till the end of the day" 😂 welcome to adult land
No shit huh hahha
You normally work from 6am-2am the next day?
@@WKRP187 This gotta be bart’s 2nd channel 😂 I’ve seen u defending every comment against him LMAO
thats alot of work for a comedian
@@WKRP187 idk, does the work we’re talking primarily consist of drinking gallons of alcohol and talking to people?
Tom made the exact same face as me when bert peals the sticker off his cap 😂😂
his swedish impression is pretty much spot on
Holy shit, bert finished a thought after remembering to go back to the point...theres hope!!
Once it is thousands of times is an anomaly
He’s self-correcting! 😂😂😂
Right, I was actually so proud of him 😪
He barely interrupted when Tom talked about his no consequence day
Brehhh😂
I have no doubt Bert can make a Billion, I have absolutely zero confidence Bert could make a croissant by himself
*bagel. It sounds better with alliteration
@@StanleyKubick1 ☝️
Croissants are difficult from scratch. He does have a cooking show though.
Used to be a fan of bert, till my dad, (a severe alcoholic, who literally drank himself to death,) passed. Alcoholism is deadly asf, and hes on that path.
Hey croissants are pretty hard to make
I love how there was just like a full Minute or two of them showing their love for Croissants. Yes they are amazing.
Plot twist: for years Tom’s really just been working on his doctorate and Bert has been his case study. Effects of substance abuse and success. 😂 Next up, comparison of the human missing link and the Mickey mantle gene.
😅😅
Buying a new backpack instead of spending like 5 minutes to clean it out is the most Bert thing ever.
Or Bobby lee
Bart looks so bloated by the booze.... I love it.
I'm only 5 minutes in and I'm choking with laughter. You guys are on another level.
A very sick, dark level.
Gotta love Bernts idea of working "all day" is doing podcasts :D
"I'm in Sweden right now - I'm in Oslo" - Genius
Off to a great start
It's remarkable Tom used to weigh as much, if not more than Bert. Now he is closer to 200 pounds while Bert looks on his way to 300.
Tom does look WAY better than what he used to, but it’s so funny when he fat shames Bert cause he’s still pretty overweight lol
Hoooly crap Nadav though lol 😂. When he passed in front of the camera he looked like Tess Holiday’s body double.
@@TheJamesDyl he’s also pretty strong and suprisingly lean when he tenses. I think he’s one of those guys that would look weird as fuck skinny because he’s naturally big
It's kind of sad. The one thing Bert thinks is his brand is the one thing that is going to kill him young. It's very sad that a grown family man is such a public alcoholic and thinks it's okay.
@@probablynot879 Yeah they both have muscle now from years of carrying that weight around. Would be awesome/terrifying seeing a lean muscular Tom
You can tell Bert isnt even listening to Toms perfect day he's just planing out his
Planning*, Genius
Brent should do a promo for Berlin where he just says I'm coming to Berlin with the date and he's holding the 🍵
That would be wonderful 😂
Bert calling "White Whale" a "Great White Shark" is the best example of him.
These two flip my day for the better no matter what.
Tom's the Bert whisperer. Only he understands WTF Bert is talking about.
This is the first 2 bears I’ve WATCHED. I always listen on Spotify. Holy shit it’s even funnier getting to visually see toms reactions to Bert’s asinine ideas or thoughts lmao
I love you guys so much
I've lived in a few trailers(4) since I was around 6. I'm 37 now and still find myself in a single wide, all original trailer, that was built in 1964.
Vinnie Paz album behind Tom is a nice touch.
Right. Tom knows his hip hop
You touch me nice
@@Joe-oj4rh it's a gift and a curse. *kisses*
I fucking love Vinnie Paz
2 Bears 1 Coach actually sounds like a amazing idea, specifically coming from Bert! I’m proud of him.
Literally my favorite duo!! Reminds me if me and my boyfriends conversations after a smoke session lol would love to hand with these dudes!
It’s great to hear Bert say that he chose water over booze before his flight🤜🤛
I think I've heard Bart tell the story about Shane and his daughter so many times that I can see it changing like a game of telephone...but its just Brent calling himself
It's him trying to shape a bit
@@flynnplumlee5293 well he should stop because it’s not a good one
I think these 2 dudes are my spirit animal. God bless these 2 bears
I've never seen a better representation of gluttony and greed than Berts facial reactions while Tom talks about drugs and food. Tom almost saw Berts vinegar strokes.
Vinegar strokes. 🤌🤣 I forgot about that one.
@@joshparris9675 There is so much from that show we shouldn't lose, fucking clever ass writing.
Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer I'm finally 100% sober just over a month now for the 1st time since I was 15. You guys are awesome, but damn this episode sure brings back some addictive feelings! Thanx and keep being the best Bears alive!!!
Congrats on the 30 days man. That's huge. Keep it going
I'm 6 years off dope. You can do it!
@@pinkpugginz thank you for the encouragement
@@C.McDoogs thank you for the encouragement
Congrats! 15 months and best choice of my life!
I feel like we went from hearing Bert and Tom talk about how fun coke would be, to hearing Bert talk about how much fun “coke used to be”
Of course
So manybpeople watching this wish they had the privilege of knowing these guys, to show them that it CAN still be good 🤣
@@oldkingcrow777 Right? quality is up, price is down, and the cartels have gotten a lot better about their cuts and contamination. It's safer, stronger and cheaper than it has been in years. Covid really made it super sketchy since nobody was casually crossing borders and ships weren't getting into port to unload. The supply chain reopened, and different groups got into moving it out of SA and Mexico, who have very little incentive to cut it to shit or let it get contaminated (on purpose or on accident).
@@thefumexxl where’s the stats on that dawg, lotta ❄️ cut with fentanyl out here now, and it’s not like you can compare it with past decades
Cocaine when I was younger was AT LEAST 10 times better than it is today
You guys described every day of my early twenties……followed by 3 years of rehab haha
The food porn in this episode is hilarious 😂 watching Bert’s face as Tom describes what he’s gonna eat was so funny!
If Tom and Bert lived in an apartment. they’d be like Sinfeld and Kramer. Bert is Kramer
Bert goes from shirtless to wearing a sundress. If they say you’re queer baiting, shut em down for diminishing your truth
If i had a perfect day with no regrets the next day, im drinking milk.
How decadent.
And eating gluten
I love when he is telling is story he finds absolutely hilarious.. That energy 😂😂
I love love love 💘 these 2. So damn funny. Bert is outrageous 🤣
Tim’s physique is going to be people’s new year resolution.
He's on his way to become cobra tate 2.
@@LetsGoMakeMistakes shut up
Hell it was mine 6 months ago.
Berlin promo for Bart should be a no brainer as the owner of Hitler's teacup.
It wouldn't go well. They don't tolerate anything hitler talk, especially jokes about it.
😂 Ohh that would be wonderful lol
@@thefumexxl of course some of us do... When it's well written and not with the hammer on the head... No problem
Bert describes his no consequence day and it's literally just his every day life 🤣🤣
I love when Bert says something wild and Tom looks to the booth boys with that face /rofl
Favorite part of a Monday
NEW YEAR. NEW MONDAY! Best day of week
The only podcast I can truly watch and finish and enjoy every part of it
I was eating a croissant ham+swiss when they started talking about croissants. Something really satisfying about hearing about a delicious food and having in your hands already. 100% croissants are amazing.
Aaaaand I guess today is the day I relapse. Thanks Bert, and especially thanks Tom. Hearing you discribe that day of going hard really pushed me over the edge. Whatever. 8 years clean. gone. Going to be a wild ride. Wish me luck.
Username/comment synergy checks out.
Don't know if your serious, but if I catch you in time - don't do it bro, 8 years is something to be proud of. Go see a comedy show, go blow some cash on sex, call a sponsor, anything else that will preoccupy your mind til the next day. If it's too late then be safe and take it easy, don't go hard alone. We know the dark places that can lead too.
Don’t talk about it, be about it! 🎉🎉
Go ahead throw your life away like a loser. Your family counts on you your friends count on you. So go ahead throw away 8 years of hard work because of someone description of being high. You went through you know it’s not worth it or else why did you quit in the first place. Be a winner pick yourself up and go do something you enjoy.
Lol clearly you were looking for excuse don't blame Tim and bart
Saatva pillows are fire
Every listener gets a free pillow on Bert and Tom.
@@Alex-rl4uy lol I wish
The best podcast to make me feel normal, love the way they think ands it’s entertaining cause you know their having fun.
The croissant portion of the podcast was impeccable.
2 bears 1 coach. Bob Stoops has free time!!
I love how Bart is telling us his daughter not tryna laugh at Shane Ghillis… again lol
The handle👆 ships the best Psychedelics, MDMA and alot more....
Tom's face when burt rip the sticker off his hat is hilarious
When Bert says, "for my birthday you got me Hitler's tea cup, the look on Tom's face shows how astonomically proud of himself he is. 🤣
Brent is spiraling out of control
4:35
I give him 3 years max before a major heart attack
@@Joey-zy4cs Youd be surprised what people can pull off doing, spite all the drugs, if they are still living an active lifestyle, always on your feet doing something, still having the motivation to work out regularly, even though the large amount of alcohol. How active of a lifestylee do you have?
The handle👆 ships the best Psychedelics, MDMA and alot more....
Immediately Bert’s eyes are slowly closing again
the way bart says wader not water makes me wanna drink that refreshment
It's confirmed.. Bert most
definitely reads the comments.
The handle👆 ships the best Psychedelics, MDMA and alot more...
You two genuinely are the greatest friend duo on the planet, bert is like a coked out chihuahua and Tom is the wrangler, I watch every podcast and it’s helped me through one of the toughest years of my life. So thank you both for what you do, it really does save lives and I’m walking proof of that. Happy New Years you funny fat bastards ❤️
The handle👆 ships the best Psychedelics, MDMA and alot more....
dude i cant just the whole conversation about crescents killed me at the end 😂
I love the college coach interview idea
Yall should definitely do that
Bert was a lot to handle this episode. Tim has patience I didn't know were possible to have
Sadly, the show was more entertaining when Bert was away, IMO.
Let's goooo with that hitter booyysss!!
these two created theyr own one day chalenge right now dude 😂
“If you’re ready to step up the fun in your life, try Narcotics!” Great new years thinspo, Tom!
Was waiting to hear Xanax for a night cap 🥂 best laugh in a long time