Stop Being Socially Awkward: 10 Behaviors That Make You Look Weird
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- Опубліковано 26 чер 2024
- This video describes 10 specific behaviors that can make you seem weird or socially awkward. It explains what behaviors are normal in social interaction and what you have to do to be seen as socially skillful.
Here's a video I made responding to the most common comments:
• Stop Being Awkward: Re...
howcommunicationworks.com
The Reddit thread that prompted this video: / if_a_weird_person_asks...
11 behaviors that make you look weird:
1- too much or too little eye contact 3:31
2- too much or too little interpersonal space 5:00
3- poor general hygiene 6:26
4- lack of verbal/sensitive subjects filter 7:47
5- he skipped to 6 for some reason?????
6- not cooperating in face-work (do strange things to embarrass others) 9:01
7- too much or too little self-disclosure 10:15
8- lack of sense of relevance 12:37
9- not knowing how to gracefully enter/leave an interaction 13:49
10- not using backchannel Ques (to let people know you're listening) 15:07
11- lack of empathy 16:02
Thank you😭
@@paige4804 you're welcome
Thanks so much!
Good lord that's a lot. Not worth the trouble of fixing my weirdness.
It’s only a problem if it’s a problem, if you get my meaning.
Here's how I stopped being socially awkward. I stopped being social. It worked like a charm.
This is brilliant
😂😂😂 same
As someone with social anxiety, I find the stress of trying to be social is plainly just not worth it...it just creates more stress and anxiety...I know it's a defeating attitude but I'm happier by myself than trying to be social just for the sake of being social.
@@javierdelgado1554 Long as you're happy. I'm happier at home with my pets than I ever am out around people.
@@gilgamesh..... It's not the ideal situation because we are social beings by nature but I just accept the fact that im different...I no longer fight it....it's hard because I do desire a companion...what keeps my going is my faith in God...ultimately this life is worth nothing without God.
this video made me realize i am not socially awkward i just have social anxiety
Ya when we’re comfortable and being ourself were usually confident not awkward, it took me a while to reload it was social anxiety that was making me act awkward not because I’m fundamentally just awkward
i thought it was the same thing i guess im not awkward i just have social anxiety because if im comfortable with someone im not awkward
Aren't they the same?
@@fatimasahli9131 no cos if ur socially awkward you dont know how to speak to anyone even people your comfortable with speaking to. like u make things awkward or something. if u have just social anxiety then when your not anxious you can speak fine.
@@Cxoxo4 thanks for the elaboration
I considered myself a weird person and awkward but over time I learned to improve myself and instead of hiding who I am I started to define myself. So sad we all are forced to act normal just to fit in around society instead being ourselves.
I think some of these are for good reason. Nobody wants to talk to someone who absolutely reeks or gets too close and makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. :/
@@apersononthisearth2276 Yeah I agree some may be dangerous depending on the circumstances or the places your at, or the importants to have manners and respect towards others but I’m talking about the people that are introverts or that stutter or that are known as quiet people but have a hard time to socialize but they are in least trying, I including myself, instead of being rude or showing no respect why not show humidity and compasión, some of us are trying to improve and fit in, you don’t know what they go threw everyday of their life’s, some of us are not like y’all that are good at socializing or finding relationships, some of us get hate and discrimination for being weird or are tagged as dumb, but why the hate why not just get along.
1000%
@@fighter500mx3 As a huge introvert myself I get what you mean, and I wasn’t trying to be rude or judgmental. I apologize that that’s how my words sounded. I hope you have a nice day!
If we all were being "ourselves" the world a be ugly
Social anxiety ruined my youth and prevented me from learning how to interact with people. I have gotten much better through a ton of effort but anxiety really does make life miserable and you end up missing out on so many experiences most other people had when they were young. Having good parents and a stable loving upbringing are major factors in developing into a healthy and happy person. Unfortunately I wasn't that lucky and I suspect many who are socially awkward weren't as well.
And being an introvert i also hate social media and hate living in a place where everybody knows everybody. I want my privacy back like pre social media era. Not to mention i have become an atheist (or agnostic) living in a religious society. Everyday feels like hell on Earth 😤
It's even worse for naturally shy people, it feels so isolating and depressing
I agree, I had a tumultuous upbringing with a you vs them mentality about everyone as a child. Now I realize with my partner, who is extremely social, at her events with family and friends how different it was and how I don’t understand basic interactions I should have had. I can come off as rude. I’m trying to fix it 😂
@@somber087 it usually happens when we ignore our own type of abilities, interests or get pressured by other people then the flow/manner in which our personality is adopting changes (require when we grow up) get disturbed
THANK YOU! This is me. I was homeless and went to 14 different schools. My focus was on trying survive, like to eat, and figure out where I was going to sleep and night and how to I was going to find shelter. I didn't have the luxury of just sitting and chilling flexing my social muscles.
The thing is, if you're super awkward and try to change that, you might end up doing a big cringe. That cringe moment will be stored among the pile of cringe memories you already have, and it'll come back to haunt you while you're in the shower or trying to sleep.
Haha it does
I had one today
@@Wildredchase explain
Bro I hate it when that happens. I already kinda have trouble sleeping, so the cringe memory popping up just makes it worse lol
The thing is that if you are not as developed socially as you would like to be, you WILL do many cringe-moments when trying to socialise. That is the rule of practise, that you cannot avoid failing many times especially if you are new. However, those cringe moments are crucial as it will help teach you, and you will have less cringe, but good moments later on. Thats what I did, countless of cringe moments, but it helped me be a little bit more socially developed and normal. Try to use those moments when you can, even if they can seem scary.
I actually really like it when people open up to me a bit too quick. Makes me feel like I can be human and that I'm not alone in my struggles.
Depends on the topic, in my experience. It's fine to start talking about goals and experiences and worldviews early on, but stuff like trauma-dumping early on is a huge warning sign that the person I'm talking to is likely to be more of an emotional burden than I'd like them to be.
Thats weird
@liz blanco sounds like you could do with some lessons in finesse in how to deal with such situations instead of coming across as rude & hostile.
Me too... although I suppose we all have boundaries, but I am much more forgiving of people bringing up taboo topics and quite enjoy hearing the deeper thoughts, feelings and experiences of others' lives. I like connecting on a deeper level more than superficial small talk.
@@SoniaAlese me too
My 18 year old son is a socially awkward extrovert, he craves being around people and wants close friends and girl friends so badly and is so lonely. Goes to parties and feels like an outsider but is mad when he's not invited. So frustrating as a father. Meets girls and they lose interest very quickly. Wants people to be there for him and thinks no one cares. Crazy how socialization can be such a mystery to people and to others its second nature.
Well at least he's got a father who cares. I'd recommend checking out Rian Stone's new book, really outlines all the steps in putting yourself together. Wish someone had given it to me at his age. Parenting's not easy.
@@sluggo562 name of the book??
@@user-hx8fv9fu3e Sure, it's called Praxeology Vol 1: On self actualization for the modern man.
It's sort of a roadmap for improvement. From hygiene and fitness to conversation and relationship dynamics, covert contracts, outcome independence and unhealthy fixations. If you decide to get it make sure to give it a read yourself first to make sure it's something you want your son reading, but in my estimation it's suitable for 14+. There's a lot of self help out there but with most of it I think you just read it and move on to the next one. This one's very actionable and has made a world of difference for me.
@@sluggo562 is there a woman version of this book?
Wow i'm almost the polar opposite of him except that I'm also awkward.
I feel like I don’t know how human beings even work. I have to study human behaviour like an alien. But I will not let this sabotage me anymore.💛I wish you all the best! We can do this!
I feel the pain, didn't have much interaction during my childhood its still haunting me the aftereffects I'm nearly 30 now. I have to pre-think everything I say or do.
I have a degree in psychology and still don’t understand it😂
Sociology helps. Every interaction is the same as a drama performance, the difference is we make up the script as we go along. There are social rules for making sure this show is believable, that is the specific issue for some people, not meeting those rules. (Erving Goffman’s dramaturgical analysis)
Nice try alien you’re not tricking me!
You have to change your perspective about communication. Rather than thinking about it as a physical thing, think about it as if you were writing a script between to people. Next time you are having an in-person conversation with someone, imagine there are subtitles when they are speaking. Then imagine what words you would write in response to what they just said. I have always been a great writer. But in person I am very quiet and shy. So I began to picture conversations as words on a page. I imagine that their words are being converted to text as they speak. Then I imagine that my written response to their text, is being converted to spoken words in my mouth.
eye contact is one I've always struggled with. I feel immensely uncomfortable when looking into someones eyes, it feels like I'm staring into their soul and seeing something I'm not supposed to
Don't think that way, there is no soul. And this guy is annoying and weird yet he thinks he's lovable. Why so close to the camera? It's off-putting. He is almost bad looking and I am being honest an not hurtful. He's not like us. This guy is not sensitive and has no idea how he comes off. And maybe the non-existent good Lord doesn't want the socially awkward to learn the truth. Will this guy ever realistically see how he looks and comes off? Not in the least. But he thinks the other weirdos can do it and should be subjected to his bullying and so-called corrective behaviorism.
This guy is too close to the camera. He doesn't understand space. He's obvious intelligent and full of himself. If i were him i might kill myself because he looks bad. :)
@@oppothumbs1 what is wrong with you? who hurt you?
@@oppothumbs1 are you okay bro
Eye contact is the gateway to communication
One thing I've learned as the "good listener" person is that, unfortunately, others won't let you break out of that role. People who love dumping and divulging gravitate towards us, putting us in a position where we're can't reciprocate (i.e., they talk over us or let us get a word in) or they don't provide meaningful engagement with what *we're* saying. They go back to what they were saying, they just give surface-level nods or "ahas" to show they're listening, or they engage the topic in a way so that we can just keep talking about them. So it's deeply unsatisfying to reciprocate either way, and we keep mum.
You as a good listener can reciprocate by choosing to “walk away” from the constant talker, leave and get away that will make them stop coming over to you to talk.
I would encourage you to prioritize your relational energy to invest into people who will listen to you, as well. Once you have your close, life-giving relationships established and you're filled up, then listen to those who don't have that capacity...out of your surplus. Otherwise you will burn out and be left empty. It was a big lesson I had to learn and I'm glad I finally did. All the best...
So true, thanks for sharing your experience. I felt alone in this
Those are narcissists
@@soulsinspire yes, conversational narcissists. I work with three of them. The best way to get them to shut up and go away is to start talking about myself lol Works every time.
And this is all I wanted my therapists to tell me over the years- how to fix myself. Oh how I wish they'd stop telling me there's nothing wrong with me, and to just accept myself for the way I am.
Being this way is what keeps me lonely and friendless.
Thank you for the straightforward video.
I know that I'm socially awkward and I don't want to be that way anymore.
Correct attitude. Good luck.
I became socially awkward after being depressed for sometime...I believe it's a energy thing... raise your energy level up by working out , yoga , jogging or something... stay blessed everyone ✌
I became socially awkward after i lost myself and my old identity after my trauma
same :(
@@theresamccoy123same. It really sucks having to trust again so so hard. Please god help everyone on here with this infliction. 🙏🏻
Thanks for sharing I can definitely relate
Yes just vibrate higher find God b nice
I grew up in a toxic home enviroment, and i barely spoke in my house. My parents basically isolated me in my growing yrs where i should have experirnce with my peers. Had to go home right after school, couldn't go to parties or functions😭, didnt have a cell phone when their were chat groups so i was left out the loop at school. Yrs of this just built up to me being quiet, being more of a listener than a talker. I like gatherings and hanging out but when ur personality is not extroverted or "intresting" then ur not ask to be around, or ur thought of being awkward, or boring,etc so ur again socially isolated even more. 😭😭
Hey, you literally described my upbringing to a tee. Honestly, I’ve come to the conclusion that when interacting with people, refrain from observer mode in whatever way works for you. If you start getting that feeling where you get in your own head, recognize that it’s irrational and ends up actually making you appear awkward. Whatever interaction you have with people, treat them as another thing that happens. Don’t keep count and let any previous bad memories pop up. The more you do it, the less weird you feel. Best of luck to anyone working on their social abilities, Ik we in tough times rn, but human interaction is as vital as water.
Omg u just described my life
I feel you it's like quicksand but sometimes the social butterfly appears
That childhood is definitely going to be a challenge to overcome. In order to have interesting things to say in conversation, you need to immerse yourself in culture. That means books, movies, art, television, newspapers, magazines, drama, music, architecture, etc. The more you know about those things, the more you will Be able to contribute to the conversation. You should also try to familiarize yourself with politics and popular culture which are also common topics of conversation.
Me too😭😭
I come across people all of the time who violate these “norms” and I don’t try to avoid these people at all, nor do I see them as “weird.” Socially awkward, sure. I usually adjust and adapt so as to accommodate social engagement. For instance, if someone’s eye-contact is too intense, I’ll subconsciously use more hand gestures in my conversational style which helps redirect or at least divert their gaze. If you can crack the veil, socially awkward people are some of the most interesting people and make the most loyal friends.
Well put 👏
Thank you. This video made me feel bad about myself somehow. I’ll definitely take tips though.
Thank you, I agree
You're a really nice person, and thank you for doing that, you're really helping some people with this kind of attitude 💕
That was so heartwarming! I wish I met more people like you, not those who avoid.
I'm socially akward and this is making me feel like I have to be fake. Don't say too much, don't say too little, don't do too much eye contact, maybe less eye contact. There's no winning lol
I see it more as a general guide of what certain interactions lead or can lead to, instead of a strict what-to-do list.
It's good to know what impact eye contact can have. That' it really. Really socially awkward people aren't aware of that. They ask themselfes why are always are lonely or weird, while at the same time maybe not noticing at all that they stare people down or never look at them at all.
It's just something to be aware of and not something that is supposed to make you go crazy about it. The key point are the extremes. If you never look at someone when speaking, youre at an extreme end of the spectrum, if you stare them down, youre at the other extreme end of the spectrum. Don't go to the extremes, i think that's the message and something to be cautios of.
Why click on the video if you didn't want to hear this though?
@@pvp6077 Some people are just more curious than others you small minded fool
I am amazed that these basic interactions are not second nature social conduct institutionalized conformities, etc. When I identify someone as you describe, I consider them without boundaries, more than that is the multiple narcissists so gifted at "emulating" social norms and empathy. Most of your examples are suffering from physchiatric illnesses. Depression/anxiety, addiction, personality disorders, narcisism, physchosis, etc.
@@bonitalehtonen1254 doesn't surprise me that someone as daft as you would think this.
I can’t recognize what it is in myself that puts people off (sometimes). I just never feel like I can ever be myself without someone looking at or reacting to me like I’m weird or annoying. It’s a horrible feeling. I always feel like in order to “fit in”, I have to tamp down my own enthusiasm or personality.
Same. It makes me sad.
Who typed this into the search bar right after you went out again
Oh no! It sucks to feel socially awkward. I hope this might help some.
😭
Me today going out for the first time in 1000 years
I didnt type it I just described how I felt and it hit it right on the nail
me
I have to admit, it’s hard to be normal.😔
It really is, then again some people give others a break
Normal is no fun anyway.
Yes bro 😔😔😔
Yup! I totally agree with you. However, I think that everyone has their own perception of normal.. You do you, as long as you're not hurting yourself or anyone else just be yourself.. Happy holidays!! ✌💖😘🥂
It’s not true that everyone has their own definition of normal. The very word “normal” implies wide agreement across some population. Social “norms” are patterns of behavior that are widely regarded as acceptable or conventional. I’m not defending all of those norms, but I am saying that they exist. But this is the way the world is at this moment. You are free to disregard any social norm that you want. But you are not free from the consequences of disregarding social norms. The consequences are imposed by a society that expects most people to adhere to most norms most of the time.
12. Smiling too much (or too little) - I used to think having a perma-smile on my face would make me appear warmer and friendlier…until my girlfriend told me that it’s actually intimidating and makes people uncomfortable because it seems disingenuous.
13. Know your crowd/environment - If you are communicating with a bunch of loud potty mouths and you are acting timid and don’t swear and are sort of soft spoken you will seem weird in that environment. Also vice versa, if you are in a more mature or laid back setting and are cursing like a sailor and being a little belligerent you will seem very strange in that setting. Adapt to the environment you’re in.
14. Know when to shut up and let the others speak - you need to take turns in a dialogue, not have a 30-minute monologue
15. Don't talk about yourself all the time - nobody wants to hear someone talk about themselves all the time
16. Don't interrupt someone else even if they are completely wrong or say something completely stupid - let them finish and then let them know your opinion
17. Don't discuss negative subjects - nobody wants to hear someone constantly complain or be a pessimist or just point out negative things
18. Too little or too much body language - not gesticulating is weird, but overgesticulating is also weird and actually makes people have a hard time paying attention to what you are saying
19. Too quiet or too loud - when you talk, speak at a normal volume, or mimic the volume of the other speaker. Talking too quietly will make others have difficulty in hearing and thus start ignoring what you are saying while talking too loudly will make others want to leave the conversation as higher volume for extended periods creates fatigue
20. Too slow or too fast speech - don't talk like you just took a heroin shot but also don't talk like you snorted a bag of cocaine
I am very self conscious about my smile now. I have been having mental issues. And I feel like I can no longer smile in a sincere way. So I am always worried people will think I look depressed, or that my smile will look fake or akward
Who decided being unsociable is a bad thing? You’re not weird if you feel happier not dealing with other people’s bs and prefer not having to be “on” in a social situation. It’s too exhausting. To quote Billy Joel, “I don’t want clever conversation. I never want to work that hard.”
Because people are intrinsically social beings.
You don't gotta agree with everything this dude says. I laughed out loud when he said that people avoid others with no filter.
Loneliness exists
There are times when it is good to be social. Like family gatherings or professional events. I personally find it exhausting to be around large groups of people. But at the same time, I feel the need to connect with people. I just don't know how to.
I think social awkwardness comes from anxiety and fear of judgement. Treat the anxiety and stop caring about what others think about you. People are gonna like you or not like you which is true for everyone not just the socially awkward. Self-care and self-love should be your priority. Not how can I change myself for others.
I feel like awkwardness stems from a lack of confidence, I consider myself to be highly confident and can hold a good conversation with most people. I often get told how good I am when dealing with people. Truth is no matter how “cool” or “smooth” you are, you will eventually make someone feel weird or awkward. One person can not please or be liked by all human beings. The only thing you can control is your comfort level within yourself.
"The only thing you can control is your comfort level within yourself." which is the real solution to cure social anxiety/awkwardness
@@TheToxinator meaning?
@@Astrothenix get out of your comfort zone & control your emotions until you’re comfortable to be social
@@TheToxinator ah ok thanks
Very very true!
My mom sent me this
Damn lol
I might send this to my mom
Lol
Lol
When you stop worrying about what others think, you reach another level and improve on your terms.
You also become unlikable and in many cases undatable
I really struggle going past superficial conversations.I literally don’t know what to say to others every time im in a conversation my mind goes completely blank. I really have no idea what to say. It’s so stressful to conversate with others I tend to just avoid conversations with people. But I really wanna be able to connect with others and be normal. It’s especially harder to conversate with people my age.(early 20s)
from my own experience, being focused and concentrated really goes a long way. I used to drift off during conversations and lacked the confidence to take part in the talking; I would just listen and when it's time for me to talk I would say what ever comes to mind which usually has nothing to do with the actual conversation and the conversation would usually end there. I think it's really because we think of what to say next rather than actually listen, understand, and then answer relatively to what is said. I think the two points mentioned about a feedback that is relative to the conversation and also empathy are what you're looking to improve.
@@aymanelouargui4995 Exactly.... I feel that way too... I find it difficult to start a conversation with others and even with my parents and as a result I spend most of the time online watching these kind of videos and I feel ashamed of this but I don't know how to improve....
@@hayley1868 there is nothing to be ashamed of. Just get out there and practice; it sounds a bit cheesy but that is the only way to improve. I myself suffered from anxiety a while back, If you have that too work on it first. Meditate, read books, and take care of your body. The good thing is that these kind of things can be improved and bettered... it's gonna take time, but it is worth the work.
@@aymanelouargui4995 Thanks for the support... I am working on the anxiety thing too and I have found that I overthink about every thing but really can't get out of this habit....
But I want to be normal... Guess that will take some time.
@@hayley1868 will definitely take time but 100% worth the effort.
There’s a difference between being socially awkward and being quirky. A persons eccentricity is often their best highlights.
Remain confident stay cool be respectful. Stay true to you.
Just don’t stand too close, pop a tic-tac, and keeps it classy ⚡️
You weren't listening!
It depends on the sexes, too-- a girl who is socially awkward is cute & quirky, but a guy? Oh, he's a creep or potential serial killer! Lol...
Use punctuation....
Thank you for Mentioning this...
i’ll be as awkward as i please
In my opinion with a lot of people trying to follow these exact rules is what makes the socially awkward since they micro analyze their behaviour while also trying to have a conversation freaks them out. I think it is better to just fully focus on the interactions but maybe im wrong. At least in my case I learnt that I might not be making enough eye contact, then tried to look people in the eye longer which then made me nervous and that anxious energy could have made me weird. Now im trying to unlearn this habit, however im still not socially confident so I can't say what the real answer is, this is just my opinion.
As an autistic person, this describes my entire social history... I came to this video to see if there was anything I'm missing, but no, I'm conscious of all these things, too much so it would seem, creating a weirdness of its own as a result. I can never get all of it right because it's all being done consciously, and it's obvious how hard I'm trying, I guess.
I believe for many, social awkwardness or rather social anxiety stems from a traumatic, abusive or difficult childhood with learnt behaviours that become deeply cemented in our psyches. I used to blush a lot as a kid when people spoke to me because I had a stutter which I felt ashamed of but I also realize it was internalized anger directed at myself for not being authentic, unable to say what I really wanted to say and not being comfortable in my own skin.
I think there is great value in what people call "release" work.
My parents raised me great but my mom has social anxiety and apparently i inherited it from her
what did you do to fix it? Or are you still the same, genuine question
@@GreedyGreedent Look into the study of epigenetics, we inherit our parent's traits, some of our parents experienced traumas that leave markers on genes, so they get passed on.
@@RobinDivine777 Honestly thats crazy how genetics work like that
I have a pin I wear that says “Socially Awkward,” and I have had SO many people strike up conversations with me over that pin. Literally coming straight out and wearing that statement on myself for the whole world to see just really seems to strike a chord with people. It’s such a great icebreaker. The comment I hear most of all is “We’re ALL socially awkward!” It’s helped me feel like I’m not really so different from everyone else, and I also notice the pin causes people to react differently during the times I’m particularly anxious and tripping over myself; instead of looking at me like I’m from Mars, I find they’re kinder and more patient with me. One of the best purchases I ever made!
You should watch JP Sears :" saying Yes to your weirdness "
It's just the opposite to what this guy says... And so freeing! :)
That "we're all like that" response is not encouraging to me. I don't want to be just another sheep bleeting in the herd. It also is ignores the subtleties in each individual situation. To me, "oh, I do that too", is a dismissive response, they don't care, and my problems are insignificant. It's also a symptom of a group thinker conformist.
Some people are more socially awkward than others. Wearing a pin would make me feel even more awkward and self conscious.
Love this.
Where can I get one?
@@paulmartin7332 Etsy, cafe press, I think.
I think number 7 is super relevant to breakups as well, people can really save themselves a lot of headache by realizing that when it's over, even if it's been a decade with a person, you're resetting the appropriate self disclosure back to stranger mode. Probably the most important thing to get right in that context.
The eye contact has me dead, I either do to much or to little that I start to get a headache 😂
Same man all the time
takeaway for me. Filters are important. Note to self: Lets stop blurting out stuff without consideration to politeness, appropriateness to situation, decorum, respect, poise, dignity.
@DJHart I like u
some peoples cast iron brains can stomach anything MSG or no MSG. like school teachers trained to deal with kids.
i know someone i used to blurt out insults to, who dealt with them in a very professional manner, it was unusually refreshing and i learnt a lot. i didnt even realise how much i was casually insulting everyone and judging them too critically.
teachers are trained to judge what kids do without resorting to insults.
he used to say keep your unsolicited death sentences to yourself, but im not sure he would say it that way in school LOL
Consider all the thoughts that go through your head. I mean all of them. Even the extremely inappropriate ones. The ones you’d be embarrassed to admit having. Now consider how you edit those without hesitation. Filtering our thoughts is not something rare or inauthentic or shameful. It’s part of being an adult and having a sense of relevance and appropriateness.
@angellightrose id say depends on who ur "censoring" yourself to. I have close family & friends in which i can be more "uncensored with" because i know theyre comfortable with it & wont think im awakward.
The problem can be the ppl that have no filter almost anywhere, or around anyone.
I still struggle with entering and leaving conversations gracefully, especially when meeting someone for the first time. I encourage everyone to keep putting yourself out there and learning. You can only improve by doing and getting through failures. Take notes of improvements you can make and focus on the successes not the short comings.
Some complain that they would rather "be authentic". Being authentic is fine for building confidence and staying relaxed, but communication is a two-way street; there has to be some awareness of the other person's needs.
Put yourself in their place.
Ask yourself how you would feel if someone talks to you in this manner.
Me too!
You're so sweet....your advise is the best advise I have ever had in my life
That's the problem, making yourslef vulnerable and maybe getting hurt or embarrassed and trying to learn from it. That takes some serious dedication and courage, most people won't have that and will never do it.
...unless it all consistently comes out to be shortcomings, and no successes. This is the case for me.
I like how he laid these points out so concisely-- like a to-do list for those to whom social interactions don’t come naturally-- if a person were to try these tips, I imagine they’d start to receive some positive feedback, which would make the next encounter easier, etc….
Me, an awkward person: "Repricosity can be dangerous. Basic information these days can reveal a lot about someone..."
I just realized why I find so exhausting attend social gatherings. I’m socially awkward. While many people blend naturally into the conversations, I always feel that I am making an extra effort to be pleasant until I can politely move on. Many times I am glad I attend them since I get to meet some interesting people but It’s exhausting.
I absolutely agree. I go to parties and social events where I maybe know a couple of people but an forced to interact with strangers even though it's something I dread. Inevitably you make small talk with so many people until I'm absolutely exhausted mentally. I'm an introvert so after these events I get home and I NEED an hour alone, with no one talking at me JUST to quiet my mind and process it all. I often wish I didn't care what other people think of me and then I just wouldn't go to the events but I don't like being alone all the time so am forced into these interactions for family or work. People say I make them uncomfortable because I'm shy. If I blush, they say "don't blush you're making me feel awkward" 🤷 Yeh. Ok. Tell that to biology...
@@angel_d99 you are unique, you're you.
Be YOURSELF.. you're not alone
And you're loved
Thats so true..
My daughter says much the same thing.
How rude of them to point out that you make them uncomfortable.i wish those people would appreciate how much of an effort you are making and that you care enough to even do something that obviously makes you step out of your comfort zone like I had my brother point out something similar one time like I understood that I was nervous and talking with that nervous energy but the other person didn't say nothing and I was feeling good until his dumb as made that comment and I became all self conscious .I wonder why do the people in our life not work with helping us out to feel more welcome and accepted instead of distancing themselves cause she's blushing and sweating like pointing it out adds to our insecurity worse than anything else in the world .I too get exhausted after social events I'm a introvert I myself am the strong and silent type I suffered from selective mutism as a child so I never learned to become good at connecting and conversations with people it's hard to connect even with family.May we all reach higher levels of confidence and accept ourselves with love and kindness
Tip for eye contact: Stare into one eye! This makes it so much easier! Stare into one eye, and break eye contact according to the flow of the conversation. Good luck out there! ✌️
how often can i blink when looking into 1 eye?
@@roverbett3858 Yes
@@roverbett3858 maybe
I stare at people's foreheads.
@@jorgealbertoop7952 hahhahaha
I had my first panic attack when I was in the 9th grade. I was worried about getting a sewing project done in Homec class. My personality was replaced with fear and dread of everything. It was a great day when I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder at the age of 42 and it was determined to be a genetic disorder. I was thrilled when my prescription (non-addictive) put me back on track to be able to face my dread, and rejoin social and business interactions with more confidence, and will definitely cut back on those awful cringey moments!
Do you mind sharing the med? If not comfortable saying , I understand. I'm older and just niw realizing what my biggest issue is...thanks😊
"Normal" is subjective. The brutal truth is *everyone* violates these criteria at some level. Self-discovery is a process. Let it unfold organically. Embrace differences. Improvement trumps perfection.
As a 40 year old I’m torn between wishing videos like this existed when I was a teenager, and being grateful it exists now. The one thing I always appreciated was when people would be honest with me about what I was doing that was weird. I had a friend in high school who would tease me for ending conversations too abruptly - it was helpful, and I was grateful he didn’t just reject and secretly dislike me.
This!!!
Your high school friend was a true friend.
Same! My best friend told me off for hanging up the phone w/o saying goodbye after making plans. I didn't think about it - like, "Okay, I'll meet you at the pool at 2:00." Click.
@@sherilynalexnder897 That's funny, my good friend was just like you. He thought saying "bye" was unnecessary and inefficient, but I teased him about it and told him that people find it unsettling and will often perceive it as rude. I'm surprised no one told him that before me. He eventually got into the habit of ending phone call less abruptly.
You had friends in high school? Lucky you!
I had a job as a sales clerk. I had to force myself to go up to strangers and ask them how I could help them. I was shy and a bit withdrawn. My Mom was mentally ill and my Dad was most likely mild or moderately autistic. So I didn't get much help from home.You can learn to over come being shy. I had to because I needed to work in order to survive, I faked being confident until I became that way. I agree, we can never be likable to everyone. Self love goes a long way in being comfortable with others
Absolutely
Very insightful from someone who conquered the issue.
thats interesting, i agree about trying to overcome the shyness, i was always painfully shy (although now im older I realise that its more than that, its anxiety and I am most likely on the spectrum) at 18 i had to work in the busiest pub in our town and started on a saturday night (i was truly terrified) that job was the best thing that ever happened to me....as long as it was busy.
exactly what happened to me. I'm an ambivert. I love people,but I recharge & think more clearly by myself,without people around. I would always wait to clean until I'm the only one home because I would focus better that way and could do it faster that way.
Loved, "self love goes a long way in being comfortable with others"
I've been a truck driver for many years and recently I have a job where I am interacting with people more on a daily basis. I found this a great refresher, but I am working at gradually being less socially awkward as my skills are out of practice being so isolated for so long.
With the last one, I've found that people don't like too much empathy either, I've sometimes empathised with someone, but I've empathised with an emotion they want to hide or ignore, making them uncomfortable... it's like all the other rules, you need to know the exact amount and quality of empathy to show to any given individual, which seems impossible.
I was called a “mean parent,” because I always told my socially awkward child, as he was growing up, “That’s weird. People don’t like that. Try this instead…”
I was told I was putting him down, not accepting him, etc. I just felt it was my responsibility, as his mother, to help him build social skills that others learn naturally. They were quick to point out he should be accepted for who he was, but they had no answer for the fact that he was never invited to parties, had no friends to come over, and was picked on by the other kids. Instead of teaching him all the kids he knew were heartless bullies, I told him that they were young and learning, too, and that they didn’t know how to put into words that his differences made them uncomfortable. I expressed that if he worked on reading cues, listening, making eye contact, trying to stay calm (he has hyperactive and inattentive ADHD,) being truthful, empathetic, etc, kids with the same interests would forget the stigma attached to him, and be willing to be friends. Finally, as a high schooler, he was able to make friends, and we’re still working on some things, but he is getting much better as he matures, and this video makes me feel validated, when, for so long, I felt like a bad mother because people said I should just accept him as he was and not tell him when he was being weird. I love him too much to see him never have meaningful relationships. I couldn’t do it. 🤷♀️
That sounds like a long hard road, but you’ve been successful in the long run. You seem to understand what I’m trying to accomplish and why it’s important.
Good that you did this for your boy. I would phrase it as "people think it's weird." Social interaction didn't come naturally to me, what eventually worked was that I watched a friend who made friends easily and did what he did, applying things that was already good at, like humor, being deeply into things (a geek), etc. That "people should accept him for who he is" as it's usually applied is such crap. Yes, we are who we ARE. How we BEHAVE is another story. Sure, you can behave in ways that are out of the norm if you want to, but then you have to also accept the consequences. Sometimes I choose to use "non-standard" behavior as a way to attract other "weirdos." I am something of an oddball. That's who I AM. I interpret the world in ways that clearly deviates from the majority. But I am an oddball who can choose to act in socially accepted ways or step off the path a little. And I know what to expect in either case. It's a geek approach, I approach it in the same way I do working with computers and electronics: it has rules and techniques and I can study it and learn it inside and out. It makes it fun.
@@Euthymia great point! It is important to have some people in your life with whom you can be your true, uninhibited self. I HAVE always told him that it is fine to like different things, and have odd interests; it was just the social skills that I tried to correct and teach. He is “different” still, but as I predicted, he has been able to find others who share those “different” traits and interests. You’re exactly right that there is room for both, the weird, and the social norm, if he learns to gauge when to behave in what manner.
How wonderful that you had a sense of normalized behavior to help guide him. I went undiagnosed with ADHD well into adulthood and always suffered with a sense of social acceptance within my peer group. Unfortunately, my mother suffered from generalized anxiety and didn't understand healthy friendship dynamics either. It wasn't until I was an adult and got diagnosed properly with ADHD that I began to understand how my behavior was weird.
I think it is only okay to criticize a kid like this if you can give very concrete answers on how to improve the behavior. I was told by my father that my breath stank and that I walked weird. It was true, but I had no idea how to fix it so I just became more self conscious and felt bad. Turns out brushing the teeth better helped nothing because I had tonsil stones.
I'd rather be weird than normal.
Don't worry. Weird is the new normal.
@@aspensulphate I saw a dog eat dog poop
@@465marko oh my god I have toooo
That’s fine. You just gotta be able to live with whatever that results in. I’m the same way.
i like Monsters
Can I add a few:
- talking the person "to death"
- not trying to read the person's mood and/or the social context of the situation/conversation
- asking too many questions but not in a getting to know you way, but in a way that the person feels like you're studying them
- redundancy, having the same conversation over and over or reiterating the same points every time you see them
All great points. But there is a very important qualifier: the more attractive you are the less any of this matters, the less attractive you are the more all of this matters.
i think it's weird that people adhere to "rules" when speaking or engaging others. i don't initiate most interactions, but when i do find myself in one, i usually just keep things simple... mutual respect & empathy. the biggest problem i've experienced when talking to others, is lots of people run out of meaningful things to say VERY quickly, especially these days where everyone is slumped in front of their PCs & phones. so if you can show empathy to what they DO say, even artificially, it will make the interaction better.
also, the fact that i think people are aware of these "rules" is actually what makes people "weird" or "awkward". it's like they are trying to do two things at once (1) interact with another person & (2) keep a live-running mental checklist of things they "shouldn't" be doing.
in my experience, it's usually the people that actually break the rules, who are easiest to engage with. because i think, "well, if this person "doesn't care", neither do I" and the interaction is way more open & free.
My god your last point is so true
Nah. I'm not interested in talking to people who overstep boundaries or have no awareness of what they're doing.
I resonate with what you said but I don’t think these are “rules” to follow for all interactions, its just a general analysis of what is deemed the most socially acceptable procedure for interactions. Everyone thinks and reacts differently, for example he states you may be seen as awkward if you don’t have a filter, but I don’t care if someone cusses or says something taboo it just depends on their delivery and timing. If its funny or they’re saying something we’re all thinking in our heads anyway, I tend to think the person is more authentic and likeable. People who never cuss aren’t going to get along with me anyway lol. Also I like to connect with people on a deeper level and often find myself feeling a closer connection to those who openly speak about thought provoking and deep topics on the first/second time meeting them. Im more a fan of real conversation as opposed to small talk.
I think the ideal is to master the "rules" to such a degree that you follow them naturally and don't have to consciously think about them. From that position of mastery you can then comfortably deviate from the norm as it pleases you to achieve certain effects, such as to better interact with non-conformists.
@@revb14n Yeah not caring is the only way. The very act of worrying about looking weird will come across through body language and increase the awkward factor. It's not a black and white thing like awkward or not. There's levels and any care whatsoever will impact on your ability to look cool/calm/natural/relaxed.
Not to say that you should act like a douche and not care. Act within the norms for the most part but without being paranoid about slightly overstepping them. Being able to push the boundaries slightly can actually make you look confident but if you have any worry in your mind when doing so it'll show in your body language and you'll look awkward.
The first point being "too much eye contact" is something I observe in a lot of the general public at my daily job. I feel like people have been trained to think that they should always be staring someone down in order to seem engaged, which actually just leads to extremely awkward (and sometimes almost hostile) interactions with people who don't understand that they're allowed to look away during parts of an interaction.
It depends on one's background. Poor Hispanis are brought up to not have eye contact. Upper middle class are taught to have eye contact. It also depends on your career.
Exactly, thankyou!!
There are culture and sub cultural variations on all of these norms.
I was taught this at the age of 5. Thankfully, I was able to realize later on that this is not a good thing.
Yeah, I just stare at my phone instead of having to make eye contact, works good!
I really appreciate the feedback in this video cuz you seem to really focus on things that have to do with respect and how we consider the spaces we share with other people.
Thank you so much for laying it out like this. I just wish I had someone in my life to give me feedback on my specific behaviours now
Never share these points if it is asked by a narcissist. They will weaponize each point against you
Yes, very true. Sadly you often don't know they're a narcississt on the first meeting, by which time it's too late lol!
Searched this after a super awkward day at my new work. You know when you just look back and wish you had acted differently in a given situation... yeah that's me now. I suck at first impressions
Hade man
Oh, I know the feeling 😅
I know the feeling too well
Are you in your mind too much?
thats me now
I have social anxiety and possibly ADHD and neurodivergence. I don’t have an official diagnosis so gatekeepers please don’t come at me. I just know that every single test I have taken says I am in the spectrum and the more I learn about these conditions, the more I relate to them.
I just never got diagnosed as a kid because back then it wasn’t such a ‘thing’ and if you were weird, your parents didn’t automatically think it was due to a health condition.
Not-so-funny story - the first time I heard about autism was in school. Some kids who used to pick on me called me an autist. So yeah… that’s how I learnt the meaning of that word.
This is the guide I wish I had as a kid. A lot of these I have learnt over time by observing other people, but identifying what you are doing wrong is just knowing what not to do. That is only part of the solution. The other part would be knowing what to actually do. Like with the eye contact. How much is too little? How much is too much?
It happens to me a lot that I think “Maybe I shouldn’t do/say that,” but then I don’t know what to actually do/say. It’s like everyone but me has an instruction manual on how to behave.
I felt so targeted with the entering/leaving a conversation one 😭 It happens to me all the time. I don’t know when to chip in a conversation. How do other people do it so flawlessly? And I don’t know how to politely end a conversation either. This week I spent an extra hour talking to someone because they were excited about the topic and I didn’t want to seem rude by stopping them but all I wanted was to go to sleep 😅 How do you segue into an end in a conversation? I’m pretty sure I don’t pick up cues from other people when they want to end the conversation. I often wonder what they words/gestures mean. I suck at reading between the lines.
One last thing - yes, it’s OK to be weird. However, it will hold you back. You won’t get jobs for this. People won’t trust you for this. It is important to know how to play the part of a “normal” person if you want to succeed in life. It will make people think you are more capable. If you make a mistake, they will be more likely to forgive you and such. I have seen a lot of people who get ahead not on talent but just on charm. It never hurts to learn how to be a little charming.
Most of this advice for interacting with people at work, school, and other places where you’re dealing with general acquaintances is spot on. The problem arises when these people look you up on social media. I deleted all my social media except UA-cam and LinkedIn, but my Facebook, in particular, was a place where I posted whatever was on my mind. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t do that. That’s why I’d pay someone to manage my social media if I ever have to get back on Facebook or X. Or maybe I’ll just use an AI to shadow as my avatar!
Honestly at 36 years of age I am at the stage where I don’t care how relaxed or awkward I may seem to others. I am who I am. I am relaxed socially in pretty much all social situations. However I have my quirks and if someone ever does say I am weird I’d probably just say ‘yeah I an weird’ respectfully and move on to the next subject.
You’re 36. With 36 likes. I’m 36 and feeling the same about others perceptions.
Yep, same, 36 and yeah I know I'm probably laughing too much; well, if they can't deal with that.. well,.. I can't deal with everyone as well.. acceptance is a necessary skill..
This is the way
So which of the suggestions in the video do you object to?
@@HowCommunicationWorks I reckon most people know all these things. The problem with most socially awkward people is that these social norms are filtered through their minds as demands, making them feel under pressure and feeling like they've failed if they've missed them, causing them more social anxiety, less likely to be able to act out these behaviours and therefore more awkward. I think it all comes down to state management. Remove the anxiety, at the surface or buried deep down and natural social behaviours arise naturally.
Lol I think I do several of these things. Making new friends as an adult is so much harder than when you’re younger and in school. I’m very friendly and a loyal friend but I think ADHD bites me in the butt a lot by barging into conversations or not quite staying on topic and listening. Very helpful video.
Same girl I feel you!
ADHD is a wonderful thing. I been officially diagnosed as an adult but living with it all my life. It makes it difficult to be normal but makes it easy to exceptional! In my humble opinion lol
@@pjackson8322 I love that outlook on it :) I'm undaignosed, got an appt today lol we will see
This is me too
@@carmen3091 ~ Best of luck 🍀 and blessings to you… whatever you find out!
I was actually being really insecure about myself and my social skills for a while. It started with a internship where the people where extremely toxic and immature the constant insult projected was Weird or odd. However after leaving (claiming they fired me)it left my self feeling insecure but after a while and watching videos like this one I wasn’t socially awkward at all. In fact found out they where notoriously known as the “losers and outcasts” and where most likely projecting their insecurities on to me because for once they were able to have the upper hand on someone. Btw, they went out of business due to people not wanting to go their anymore and embezzlement.
I currently started my own business and creeps have the nerve to come back asking for a job!! All I could do is just laugh and say, get the hell outta here!
I’d like to be more socially normal but..I’m a creep..I’m a weirdo..
...what the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
@jamesthompson316
You’re so very special.
I wish I was special.
the way that this has 1.5 million views shows that there are a ton of socially awkward people that are very self conscious (myself included) and I just wanted to let you know its okay and you're doing your best and that's what matters, especially when you're taking steps in learning how to try to better yourself like trying to learn how to be less socially awkward. I love you.
That's a beautiful sentiment. I have been very awkward in my life also, and I know what it feels like. That's one of the things that motivates me to try to help.
I feel super awkward when making eye contact. Too intimate for me, I feel so shy like it was a sexual thing. (I know it sounds so stupid lol) I have no idea how to overcome this.
Also Im about to become a lawyer so this situation ruins my whole life
You’re in a tough situation. Not all forms of lawyering require a lot of social interaction. If you want to overcome this issue around eye contact, I suggest psychotherapy with an emphasis on systematic desensitization. It’s a form of therapy for phobias, and your sensitivity to eye contact resembles a phobia. Good luck.
@@HowCommunicationWorks thank you sir
@@HowCommunicationWorks I notice I feel awkward when I'm explaining something and may not have much knowledge on it and I feel the pressure because they're staring me down and waiting for me.
I look at their nose😂
I was thinking about royalty -- you know, Queen Elizabeth, Prince William, Princess Catherine, etc. and how they seem to effortlessly work a reception line or a room, asking a person just the right questions and giving those backchannel cues the author talked about, then moving on gracefully to another person. That isn't necessarily a natural gift just because you are born royal. Prince Philip proved he didn't have this gift but he "behaved" himself most of the time, haha! The royals are trained on how to do this. I am an awkward person, but I have decided I can be pleasingly social, at least in public, if I educate and train myself. Videos like this are a good start!
Yes, I agree.
Can't believe the quality of the comments here. I could spend alot of time dissecting them. Good channel.
I think one really important thing to remember is that most of these weird traits are perceived as negative because they show lack of empathy, care or respect for other people, like not respecting other people's bubble, not caring about the conversation, time, relationship etc.. But quirkiness comes in good spirit that people can genuinely feel, and even though you're kind of weird, as long as you connect with people with love and respect, then people will feel it.
p.s. I'm no psychologist so correct me if I'm wrong, it's just based on what I experienced and noticed with people.
I think you’re right.
@@HowCommunicationWorks Thanks! I totally agree with your vid btw.. Thanks for helping socially awkward people like myself perform better out there. It's just that I'm a firm believer that love crosses all sorts of boundaries.. (I'm so corny) ☺️
To me it doesn't sound quite right. For example people can be in very negative relationships if they find familiarity and some sort of known quantity there that gives them some sense of belonging. These traits in the video are imho mostly things that most people find unfamiliar. It makes the recipient of awkwardness feel unfamiliar about themselves as well which is not a good social bonding feeling. But if the interaction is easygoing and predictable then it feels normal and safe and makes us feel more that way about ourselves too. After all if something feels off our mind wants to avoid it. If it feels familiar and safe we are happy being there.
I also think there is a big difference in being a jerk than being awkward. A jerk is someone who lacks of empathy, kindness and politeness but can do it in such way that it is not directed to us. We all know jerks but if they are nice towards us then they are not jerks to us. With awkwardness there really isn't that kind of direction. An awkward person radiates that awkwardness all around them.
@@erwinlommer197 But what if the conversation is NOT "easygoing and predictable"? What if you find yourself in a situation where there are new, unfamiliar people - seated at a table where you don't know anyone at a wedding, or you're invited to a party with people you don't know, or you're at a new job? You can't always control the situation and you can't always avoid it. Many of us aren't natural conversationalists and don't know how to make small talk, but if we don't interact, we'll be seen as weird. The answer isn't to stay home. And while most people as you say won't have a problem "fitting in", this video addresses issues that are very real for some people. Social cues may be the most natural thing in the world for most - but for some of us they must be learned and practiced.
@@catbirdler I think you make great points. Like you said, there are several things that can make a social interaction awkward or difficult. It is not always about the people or their quirks and oddities. New at a job, being in middle of other peoples' argument or telling your neighbor you have some issue. And not just the circumstances but also what has happened before the social interaction. The cultural differences, feeling the need to go to toilet, time of day, feelings at that current moment etc...
Maybe I worded my opinions unclearly. I definitely didn't want to imply that awkwardness is not real or that some people don't have different challenges. What I questioned was Etienne's thought that maybe awkwardness is about having lack of good intentions, lack of care and lack of respect. I think an awkward person can have clearly good intentions, respect and care. But because the behaviour is odd and unfamiliar to us it puts our guard up and makes us want to get out of the situation. Which in turn makes the situation awkward for you and makes you feel awkward about yourself as well.
Also don't assume I do not have feelings of awkwardness. Social situations are not easy for me either. Social cues can be difficult and like you say isolating does not solve the problem. Social difficulties can be incredibly damaging to a person's life quality overall and can be result of really bad experiences so I definitely do not want to downplay the issue at all.
Someone told me that I danced a fine line between endearing and awkward. But I think it’s mostly because I’m blessed to be a conventionally attractive female.
This is so good. Thanks, identify the ones that apply and work on one at a time, except hygiene, get that done right away. The ones that get me are people who just want to talk at you and when I listen them out and try to comment, they suddenly have to go. lol. I do find myself avoiding them.
Bingo!
i just realize that because i never had internet and friends and was always so happy when persons were talking about something i know of like a movie,i started non stop refferencing memes game and movie refferences in the hope someone gets them and want to talk with me about it because i never knew what they were talking about in the internet.
I’m a mid aged, single woman with no children so people automatically think I’m weird. I have ADHD, late diagnosis which contributes to some of my awkwardness but I have a hard time relating to people. I’m sociable and talkative but generally don’t know how to start conversations and relate to people on a level that makes me more endearing and them more endearing to me. I’m good with very superficial communication. 😞
Very insightful. I’ve met people like that and couldn’t understand why the math wasn’t “mathing”. On one hand the person is sociable but in another hand hard to connect with. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Nothing wrong with being wierd
Very interesting. Thanks for this. Two comments:
1) Most of these are directly relevant to those on the autism spectrum. It could be that for these people, awkwardness is hard-wired, and that at best they can consciously cover up bad traits -- but there will always be cognitive overhead to do so -- very draining.
2) One thing missing from the list: General body language. EG, too many head scratches, pants adjustments (these can't be made discrete), sniffs, ticks, slouching, attire -- a million things like this. EG I once had a temporary habit of tapping my fingers on my desk too often at work. My perceptive manager at the time pointed this out, and I stopped.
I think both of these points are right on target. Thank you.
My son has autism which pretty profoundly affects his communicating/interactions. He absolutely has no interest in what anyone else likes or does. Unless it affects him. Then he’ll tell you what to do or how to feel. Over 20 yrs of coaching “how to be a friend” has come to naught. I and his dad are his best/only friends (actually it often feels more like puppet) but I am done trying to force him to fake interest in people. He is very loving with a soft heart but he just can’t do the relationship stuff. He’s happier than most people I know as long as our elevator-touring-days happen a couple times a month and as long as there is internet. He lives in an amazing residential home-school with a sprawling campus, lots of fiels trips, horseback riding etc. and is happy to parallel all his mates. Might be as good as it gets.
@@lindamatus4429 I’m sorry to hear this, Linda. I have some personal experience that allows me to relate. It sounds like you’ve give your son the best possible life given his circumstances. But I know you wish he had more. More friends. More ability to connect and socialize. More ability to empathize. Life is not fair. We want to have an open mind about people with autism having no intrinsic limits. But we are fooling ourselves. There is a spectrum of severity, and at higher levels of severity, the communication deficits are very real and not easily overcome. Sometimes not overcome at all. I feel for you and your family.
Pretty sure I'm on the spectrum to some extent, and I feel like a lot of this stuff I gradually picked up on over years of public school. Although I never liked school and I'm glad I'm through with it, I feel like it helped me become socially adept. I'm not perfect at being normal but through a ton of trial and error I think I'm pretty much fine at everything mentioned in the video. As much as it pains me to say it I think the solution for a lot of people struggling with this stuff is to just keep trying, although I'm awful about starting anything new. Seeking out new people is something I'm terrified of. I'm betting that it's much easier to learn these skills at a young age, so it's probably a lot tougher for those still struggling with this as adults.
See I often (lately) wonder if I’m on the spectrum. However I tbh don’t really have a “darn I wish I was normal” or “I gotta learn how to not do this stuff” vibe. By and large people who I can perceivably tell find me weird, I find kind of boring and sometimes shallow. Like tbh my thinking most of the time is, “wtf am I doing all this for, if all you’re doing is the same shallow stuff? What exactly am I jumping through all these hoops for if I don’t know what I’m investing in?” And ive got friends I care deeply for, good relationship etc. so I suppose I’m “high functioning,” if at all autistic.
It’s only recently ive realized how little importance I place on social norms. I’ll play it safe in places where I really really have to deal with it all day. But interpersonally, and just personally, I place like 0 importance on social norms, and I really can’t even relate to how or why other people do. I place a lot of importance’s on emotional awareness, and not letting people feel left out or unheard. But general social stuff (“don’t do abc it’s weird or intrusive”) genuinely just seems dumb and shallow to me. It’s never struck me as a fear of being invalidated or fear for safety. But rather a fear of you and your dirty weirdness affecting their social standing with others.
I have a few friends that I know positively are on the spectrum, and I love hanging with them. They by far have a more interesting outlook and love for their passions than most people I know. I can normally immediately tell they are a bit “off” socially but that just kind of eggs me to know them more. I just honestly can’t relate to feeling scared by someone’s asocial vibe.
I was talking to someone I know with autism who seems relatively socially apt just “quiet,” and maybe analytical. We were talking about social interactions and sort of fixed interest (I have pretty narrow interests in certain things). And she said I might be on the spectrum, and I was like “no way, I don’t not know what to do or not know what people want to hear, I just think it’s kind of a stupid waste of time.” And she said “yeah that’s what I used to say.” And then it dawned on me that maybe I don’t place any importance on something because I could be on the spectrum.
Idk. I just kind of laugh at the discomfort these day. You are told all throughout your life to “just be yourself.” “Just do what you love.” And then you do exactly that to nobody’s detriment, and you get put in the weird box. I think hearing about hear skills is valuable, but I think it’s just more valuable to not care about being judged and accept that that will have consequences and find friends other ways, rather than be hyper obsessed with “enough eye contact, don’t do that thing with my hands, say ‘mhmm’, dont talk about anything I find interesting until I’ve talked about the weather ad neauseum for weeks.”
”Stop being yourself and be like everyone else” could be an alternative title.
The algorithm’s trying to tell me something isnt it
I was never socially awkward, ever...but,after I turned 30,it started creeping up on me, it's strange. I'm 40 now, and I feel it's getting worse the older I get. Thank you for this talk,sir!💜✌
Same here. It's years of dealing with crazy, narcissistic, mean bullies in my case.
@@shannoninalaska
I totally understand that...I've had my fill of those kinds of people too😬
@@wesleyalan9179 they're everywhere aren't they? Mean people suck. 😄
@@shannoninalaska
Sadly yes, and mean people DO suck! Absolutely 💯 %SUCK!
Wesley alan, Maybe YOU aren't the one who's awkward, but those around you have developed different social rules than what you were taught. There seem to be many more people who are on various spectrums and who have other minor issues and different behavioral habits. Also, with the end of Covid-related isolation people seem to be much more aggressive nowadays and in some cases you almost have to fight to be included in a conversation.
I'm in my early 60's and I'm finding myself becoming more standoffish and reticent because people just don't seem interesting in sharing the "talking stick"; they want to hold it exclusively.
I've been in so many awkward situations that I'm practically numb to it. I think lots of people have not been desensitized yet, and feel awkward much more easily. I don't really care who thinks I'm akward anymore. Aside from a few common sense things you mentioned(like hygeine and talking too close) I think the concept of weirdness is underrated. When we are too overly concerned what people think, we suppress the best parts of ourselves all in the name of the social norm. I agree with appropriateness in situations, but not to be confused with suppressing your own unique self.*
It’s a balance, I think. I’m not suggesting people should live a life of deception and insincerity. Norms are often very flexible. Many different behaviors can fall within a normative expectation. So we can express our individuality by how we respect the norms. Look at the social world. Socially skillful people, and I don’t mean manipulative politicians or snake oil salesmen, but skillful people, they appear authentic. So there isn’t a contradiction between authenticity and adherence to social norms. Both can exist at the same time. Nonconformity has little value in and of itself. It’s just sometimes very creative or admirable people also happen to be nonconformists. All that aside, I’m pointing out my best assessment of cause and effect relationships in communication. Remember the channel is called how communication works. So this video says: these behaviors may lead other to make inferences about your that are not flattering. I don’t make the rules. I just report them.
@@HowCommunicationWorks good explanations for the norms in professional to casual settings. Are dating norms similar? I’m asking specifically about being “quick-witted” and or loquacious, which I’ve seen to be traits used by higher earners. To my experience the gift of gab is best honed in the dating scene but I wanted to ask if you’ve talked about practicing verbosity in professional settings.
Completely agree Nick. I am glad videos like this spell it out so if someone thinks they may be awkward, they have an objective standard to check for tips. That said, a lot of the awkwardness I have experienced comes from the people desperately self censoring and not giving me a chance to accept them as they are and treat them warmly.
Yes exactly. I’m 25 years old and I’m at a point in my life where I don’t give a fuck if people think I’m weird or socially awkward. I have anxiety on top of it. If you don’t like me then don’t talk or be near me lmao. It’s my personality and who I am and I cannot change that. I shouldn’t have to change that to fit into the “normal” society.
@@hannahplane9528 I’m fascinated and perplexed by this refusal to change. Do you think you’re already perfect? What’s wrong with growth and change and maturation and increasing wisdom? Isn’t this the path you want to be on? Why not change to get better outcomes in life? That’s what our intelligence is for, to allow us to adapt to situations in order to thrive. What are you so attached to a personality and identity that leaves you feeling anxious and awkward? I just don’t get it.
Great video. As person that struggles with adhd, it is difficult to maintain a good filter and many of your tips are great. Also, I find that I can make connections between concepts that are seemingly unrelated which confuses people and make it seem like I leap from one topic to another with no connection.
Not sure why being appropriate aligns with not being socially awkward. Most of the confident people I know don’t have much of a filter. The ones who put on a filter and worry about being appropriate are the most socially awkward ones
I thought this same thing. I then thought that these people who seem to have no filter and are confident and popular actually understand everything said in this video about filtering but choose their moment to break the rules. Also we live in a time where talking about sex is becoming less and less taboo
That’s funny, I had a friend in high school who was extremely extroverted, social, popular etc and often times if we were going to hang out with some of his friends he would say “don’t be weird” or something to that affect. I didn’t know I was being weird in the first place and my confidence over the years definitely took a hit because of things like that
That's why I hate when people say: "don't be weird", "don't be shy" or even "why don't you talk more?". These commentaries will make you more self-conscious and the other person that told you this does not realise that your shyness or awkwardness comes from the fact that you are too self-conscious. Thus, he is making things worse for you...not better.
Ironically I find these types of extremely extroverted, social people to often have a lack of empathy and the ability to read the room.
You are loved and special and evoryone is unique embrace it, love yourself God loves you for you
That must've felt really horrible. If someone I was close to said that to me I'd have gotten a sudden sick, plunging feeling in my stomach.
Oh, stay away from those, they assume there is a certain standard of behavior that everyone should adhere to, never associate with anyone who is not comfortable with you. As long as you are not harming anyone.
I appreciate you saying that some of us simply were not taught how to interact. Both of my parents hated socializing and for good reason. They were socially awkward. We had them as our models for social behavior and predictably became socially awkward. I moved out at an early age and began actively watching other people interact. It's taken me years and I don't think I will ever become good at it, but I can be with other people and not be awkward now.
He has some good points feeling socially awkward can cause u to be self isolated
Thanks to bringing to light at least one reason I am heavily ostracized, and downgraded by society in general: Lack of eye contact. I don't even try anymore. The eye contact one is difficult for me due to mental illness. I would rather not socialize with strangers, because most are unfriendly.
I am sorry that you are suffering.
Ive been socially awkward my whole life. Its beyond hard to re learn social cues so if youre really young watching this - take the advice and practice it the early you start will make it so much easier
You mentioned The problem with entering or leaving a conversation to slowly or too quickly… I struggle with that all the time… Namely it’s when I want to make someone feel welcome, but I am so self-conscious I can’t tell when they’re giving me the signal they want to leave and when they are just awkward themselves and trying to gauge my reactions. Today i was talking to a co-worker that i sorta think is sweet and i felt myself rambling. I work in the kitchen and she works elsewhere in the building. As I felt myself rambling I could see that she looked awkward and didn’t really seem to know what to say… But… She still wasn’t leaving, and I couldn’t tell if this was because she wanted to leave but didn’t know how to do it politely, or if she wanted me to give her a reason to stay and talk. Human interactions are so confusing! LOL
My problem was there was no grace in my entrance or exit. I didnt start with a hello. Introduce myself, check the person is free to chat and I didnt say goodbye properly. after the conversation fell apart i would just sneak off without saying goodbye to anyone. People would come in front of me and explain how SOMEONE ELSE didnt say goodbye & it was really weird and they thought it was because they were angry & now they feel disliked.
I stutter , and I have a serious fluency issue
Saying goodbye and not abruptly leaving is hard for me.😅 It's like one way or the other. I'm the, "have a great day! See you later, call me when you get home! Ooh yeah and I'll remember to do that thing we JUST TALKED ABOUT, here's some cookie, ah Hua, yeah..."
Or I'm like, "See yah later" and speed walk away
6 out of 10, this also clarified some doubts I had too, some of us just have to learn these things like any other skills, although improving on them has an inevitable probability of embarrassment and cringe moments
Ive improved a lot. I have learnt to tell myself when i do something super awks, dont worry about and i try not to care so much. If people get upset because of a little awkwardness or weirdness, then i dont need them in my life. If i have no choice but to have judgemental people in my life, say work, then i will be polite and interact when needed for work but socially, i try to have very little to do with them.
Im lucky to have several understanding friends that have stuck by me.
People know i suffer with anxiety and i feel this is the thing i need to overcome first. Something i am working on,through meditiation, exposure, and trying to reprogramme my thinking,to not overthink something etc.
If you go into a social situation, already on edge about seeming weird, saying the wrong thing,awkward silences,then it will most likely be that the interaction will go tits up.
I try to not think about it, and if there are awkward silences, then remember, they are also not talking. Its not just down to you to fill the gaps,thats when you end up saying something weird because you fill the gap with nothing.
Also being on your phone a lot is making people less socialable. Get out and do stuff. Meet socially but go for a walk, exercise is really good for you mentally and physically, plus it takes off the pressure off from having to engage too much into a convo, its far more i formal and helps you feel more relaxed.
In the past I have encountered socially awkward people who tried to make me think I was socially awkward. Watch out for these people and be confident in yourself!
Even though a lot of people comment on just being okay with being weird (which is a valid opinion to have), I think that there are quite a few people, who suffer from feeling like "the weird one". I think you did an amazing job at explaining your points very respectfully and easily understandable. This feels like a very comprehensive list and it will probably be extremely helpful to many. I wish I could show a german version to people in my life, who cannot understand english. I appreciate this!
Ich kann Deutsch sprechen, aber nur ein bisschen.
Everyone is weird in their own way tho. People just wear masks. I'd rather people were more open but we do have to adapt
yea it's called autism, and a lot of folks are on this spectrum and trust me, you can bring up a relevant topic for example, but if the group you're with doesn't have the fucking brain cells to put it together to see how its related.. then dump em.... Some people are fucking conservative douchebags that hate people who are on the spectrum that's where it all comes down to.....
Due to my career and personality I don’t really have any social anxieties but I am here so I can be a better person to those who do. This helps immensely with making sure I am not offensive to someone else who may not be as comfortable speaking socially.
Yea the saying “what’s on your mind” thing is rlly hard for ppl with adhd 😭😭
I don't get why people refuse to explain what weird things you're doing. Finally someone willing to spell it out. How hard was that. 22 years and no one's willing to just say what's wrong
Right!!!
Because that requires calling you out, which only people with confidence that are willing to risk someone not liking them, will do. Plus, if you're not doing something that actively annoys them enough to say, "hey stop doing this weird annoying thing," they'll just be like eh whatever, nbd. Basically, it's more of pain to point it out than to just let it go, for the vast majority of people. Chances are they'll forget about it in a minute or two anyway unless it was excessively weird behavior.
@@alrightalright4585 Oh I guess that makes sense.
@@humanbean852 You could also think about it like this, how often do you tell people that you don't know very well that they're being weird when they do something strange? Just making a guess, but probably not very often, right? With people you know pretty well, it might be easier to say it cause you know how they'll react more or less, but with people you don't know that well you have no idea how they're going to take that comment you know? I hope that makes sense.
@@alrightalright4585 oh yeah! That does make sense, though even with people I'm close to, I'll be like "I won't take this as offensive or anything, just please tell me how I come across, and they won't just tell me.
Just remember theres alot of mean, nasty people about and no matter how politely and gracefully you engage with them they dont like it ..usually because they perceive you as a threat and they feel insignificant ..in response they act out and try to make you feel wierd and bad and insignificant ..dont absorb it
This is easy... Be less in your head and more focused on your company/friends. Talk less, listen more. Be genuinely interested and listen. Everyone is in their own head, focus on being present
Just keep trying and dont give up...do not be afraid...thats a wonderful character trait to push through fear and never give up...dont pout or get angry easily....
I've shared your videos with a family member who has SAD, social anxiety disorder. It helped normalize things and inspired her to work on things, her life has changed greatly from that place. People who grow up in abuse, trauma, or even experience as an adult experience these things. Thanks for sharing this.
I agree with everything and I know the mainstream way is to “not disclose too much” immediately, but there are people (like me) who hate playing the role of pretending being interested in formalities and small talk and enjoy having more intimate and meaningful conversations straight away
Patience is a virtue.
@@HowCommunicationWorks You've provided a rather tactless reply. Cultural norms vary, as do norms from person to person. Telling someone they lack patience because they have different priorities when it comes to connecting with others comes off as rather rude, and I would say it is all about "feeling the waters" - start with a generic greeting, provide something deeper, and gauge the other member's comfort level. Back off if they seem uncomfortable. In my experience, doing the opposite and being petrified of oversharing often results in uncomfortably shallow conversation that leaves the other person feeling that they had a conversation with a robot.
Number 9 is definitely the hardest one for me. I always feel so strange when I want to leave a conversation but don't know how to gracefully.
I am number 8.
I realized this in my early teenage years that I was never able to contribute with anything relevant in conversations, regardless if that was with friends or family. So I stopped trying to be a part of conversations. I am now 32 and it has worked pretty well.
And yet you bring a relevant comment to the table in this conversation. So maybe you do lack that #8 sense: You don't realize that you ARE relevant!
I’ve definitely done most of these things! It sort of came from mental health issues. If you struggle with being awkward it gets better. Don’t beat yourself up but sometimes getting help from a professional helps.
I learned my lesson in this regard.
I once met a guy and told him about my insecurities about my body. He took that as an opportunity to point out some flaws he discovered and overall started to talk only about my body instead of myself as a person.
You really have to "teach" other people how you want to be treated. If you want to be honoured you should first honour yourself.
Hi how are you?
There’s nothing you can do.. embrace what you are.
Not practicing face work.
This is one of the main reasons I stopped talking to a friend. I just couldn’t handle how many times I felt embarrassed being in his company not caring what people thought. It was to a degree I felt that he wanted people to know how weird he was. 🤢