Arjun: "Krisha, I don't want to kill my friends and family. I don't think this is a good idea" Krishna: "I know what you really need. IMPULSE CONTROL" lmao
I had a phase when I was 25 and crippled by social anxiety, decided to completely ignore the negative voice in my head and just do the activities I liked or wanted. Got into volunteering, met new people, went to more parties in 3 months than I went in my entire life at that point, learned that people liked me, and nearly got a girlfriend. Then I had to stop because I was constantly bombarded by my family for being selfish, threatened by my parents to be thrown out of the apartment they let me stay in at that time because I wasn't dedicating my time helping them do chores at home, and generally being gaslighted into feeling responsible for their misery. So now that I am 32, have a job, good wage, am single and depressed, my mom finally said she is proud of me for the first time ever. So I guess... life is ok?!
Honest question: do you value your mother’s validation at this point? I wonder if it would be healthier to just let go of it (from the perspective of my own life)
I'm 28 and i'm Just Now breaking through my family's negative impulse (You Work!!) I had to move-out live alone to get on healthy ground. (3 long years)
I was just telling a friend yesterday who is struggling with beating herself up and never getting approval from her Mom that she needs to approve of herself. There is nothing her Mom can give her & she has to accept it but it doesn’t mean she can’t feel good about herself. It’s a practice, it takes time. You are AMAZING with or without her applause. Keep telling yourself that. ♥️
6:19 "The problem is in our society today, we are also goal focused and outcome focused that we just think about doing the right thing, we don't think about avoiding the wrong thing." Perfectly said in my opinion
@@yungrichnbroke5199 As someone who had perfectionism. I can relate to that and I go hard on myself if I fail to avoid doing that wrong thing/mistake from foresight.
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
@@samruddhisadar1460 its slightly different. impulse wise, that helps you gain control over yourself. letting out your feelings isnt exactly you doing something impulsive. it prevents things from bottling and building up and lets you think about them a little more. basically, instead of stress eating on impulse you can write down why you think you're stressed, or write down how the stress feels. at least, that's how i interpret it
The less I think (worry) about myself in any given situation, I find I become more open and curious about new experiences and people. If you spend all your time worrying about yourself, you have very little time to go outward and live your life.
Developing an external focus on things is something that sounds superficial on the surface but is one of the more profound skills a person can develop. Too deep of a topic to post here and not hyping it as a cure-all (nothing is) but just to emphasis this point for people who haven't considered it.
@@jan_darysh I did therapy for quite a while. Now I just try to stay mindful about my thoughts. If I go into those negative/anxious thoughts, I try to lead myself away. Guided mindfulness meditation is really helpful. And if even you're like "I can't do meditation" imo doing 5-10 min guided mindfulness meditation for even a few weeks can really change the way you perceive your thoughts and give you some advanced control over them.
The thing is I used to ignore myself too much. From being raised with Christian ideals and my best friend at the time being the pastor's daughter, there was a LOT of pressure to do the right thing. I think my friend actually thought being perfect was possible, too. Anyways, while she seemed to embody the 'you are a child of God and He loves you," I focused a lot more on "Love thy neighbour," and "helping people is it's own reward." While this was fine for a while, I started to get very depressed in junior high. I realize now it's because no matter how hard I was working to do well by others, no one ever did the same for me. Not even my 'best friend'. I was always told the story of the two wolves within us that are constantly fighting. The white wolf symbolizes kindness, patience, and other positive attributes. The black wolf represends hatred, greed, and other negative attributes. The moral of the story is the one that wins is the one you feed. It took me until after I was finished college to realize that the black wolf is still a part of you, and not feeding it is starving a part of yourself. The black wolf wanted us to be happy. It wanted to protect us. It wanted us to feel like we our desires are worth fighting for and that we were just as worthy of the good things in the world as everyone else. I like to say at this point I grew horns. Both because I feel like I grew 'less holy' from it and I got much better at butting heads with people. I'd never start a fight I didn't think I couldn't win (verbally, not physically), but if someone said or did something I percieved as being wrong, I'd be much more likely to say something about it. I remember working at a Tim Horton's and a manager chastised me as he was walking away. At first I restrained myself and didn't respond, but I could almost feel the clawed hand on my shoulder. "Are you really going to let him get away with that? That was totally uncalled for, especially in the middle of a shift. You always want to protect others, but how can you do that if you can't even defend yourself?' It didn't exactly end well, but not saying anything would've left me feeling more miserable and helpless, so I don't regret my actions. I've become a lot more confident and where I can't say I love myself, I am proud of who I've become. TL;DR-Resisting temptation is fine, but remember that you deserve to be happy
Fellow ex-christian here. Just take time to re-watch the video, and if possible, keep notes. There is no "ignore yourself" in general, it was a fancy way to say "Do not act on impulse". It's okay to do something that makes you happy, as long as it's a choice and it's controlled.
I totally agree. I like your black and white wolf analogy. I'm an ex-christian as well and struggle with self-love and perfectionism. I'm learning that addressing your needs and desires, and being happy about it is normal and not something to feel guilty about. However, while discovering new things that I wasn't allowed to do in the past, it's so easy to go rampant and self indulge! So I think, like the other commenter said, it's good to learn not to act on your impulses, and at the same time find a way to let yourself to enjoy things when the time is right. And standing up for yourself is another thing that's so hard to learn, but also it's so important. Idk where I'm getting with this, but I just wanted to say I'm proud of you finding the strength to defend yourself.
I always feel like there's 2 of me (probably has to do with separating my feelings out back in high school but we're working on it) - there's the me that's doing things, here and now, with the impulses and the decision making and there's the me that's actually getting emotions and determining if I'm happy I want to be happy, so that second me is the person I want to keep safe and warm and fulfilled. The first part gets those feelings too, so he wants it as well, but he's swept up in the day to day and the body impulses and all that other nonsense. The way I read this is Dr K is saying to ignore the stimuli of that first piece, the action doer, and focus on the emotions you feel and work towards improving those - ignore yourself to make a better world for yourself
Yeah, I had the same thought. I come from an evangelical background with a narcissist parent - my biggest battle over the last few years has been learning to stop ignoring myself as much. I've really struggled to find a balance of truly feeding my deepest needs, without indulging every little want that pops up. With that in mind, there's certainly useful pieces to be taken from this video.
Just to clarify, I myself am a devout Christian (and always will be.) Anyway, I wanted to point out that Christianity is of course about, Loving thy neighbor and turning the other cheek, but that doesnt mean it's ONLY those things. The Bible also teaches us when fighting is needed, being strong and bold, etc. (For example, when God commands His people to fight in war numerous times in the Old Testament.) There seems to be a common belief that Christians are ONLY about peace, when in fact, Jesus says the next time He'll come back, it'll be with a sword. When you fight, whether physical or spiritual warfare, you need to do so with the right reasons and right timing. (Ecclesiastes 3 states that there is a time for everything.) So advice is, if you want strength, DO NOT give in to ANY demon or any force driven by your ego, but by JESUS CHRIST (Psalms 28:7- The LORD is my strength and shield.) And on a final note, your friend stated that she believes you can be perfect. I can see why she would say that (Matthew 5:48- Be perfect, as my Heavenly Father in Heaven is perfect.) But, to clarify, true perfection is only obtainable for us AFTER the resurrection... The best we can do NOW, is to repent (turn away) from sin, and to put our faith in the one who IS perfect, Jesus Christ. We as Christians need to imitate Christ, meaning to not sin, and to want to reflect His character more and more, as best we can, for the rest of our lives. (Matthew 16:24 says to pick up our cross daily and follow Him.) So in John 8:11, when Jesus tells the women caught in adultery, "Go and sin no more", He meant it. If you truly do Love God, you're gonna repent from your sins. And even if you DID fall back into sin, a TRUE CHRISTIAN, would immediately repent and start walking upright again. (Proverbs 24:16- A righteous man falls seven times, but gets up again.) So although, we're not perfect, heh, we still need to strive for it, and get better and better the longer we walk with Christ.
I've gone through this phase before, and I'm still learning along the way. Nobody here is ever perfect in any way, and that's the mere beauty of our own existence.
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
As someone who practices archery, I found myself practicing fixed point gazing without even realizing I'm doing it. I focus my eyes on my target, and I direct my attention also towards how my hands are stabilized, and the release of my motion. After doing archery for some time, I found my mental health improved a lot. I would highly encourage people to also take up archery practice for mental health benefits
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
It is not ignoring yourself, or suppressing yourself. It is more like redirect your focus onto a different target, so that your whole being is directed towards something more postive (hopefully). @@samruddhisadar1460
@@samruddhisadar1460 It's not about ignoring emotions, it's about ignoring your impulses. Impulses are something you do because they are learned, and often are not very helpful in day-to-day life. Keeping track of your emotions in your journal helps you discover where your thoughts stem from, and keeps a consistent database of how your mind operates. You should not ignore your emotions. Approach them with curiosity, grace, and understanding.
Picking the item on the menu that isn't your number 1 choice is actually very smart, because not only do you stop yourself from being ok with not having exactly what you want, you might find out new things you like.
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
I dont know what is this video about. What i do is trigger emotion, for example if im being distracted from task i should do. i will sit and do nothing (or stare at wall), my emotion is triggering inside and is uncomfortable (expressing). But on the outside, i do not follow the distracted action (resisting)
@@samruddhisadar1460 When he talks about ignoring he means doing things in spite of those feelings. You still want to allow the feelings to exist and understand them, validate and accept them, but even though you’re feeling that way still make choices based off what you want and what will help you feel better. I go for walks, meditate, cook, and excersize and it helps me a lot with panic attacks. It takes a lot of time and baby steps but remember that this isn’t your fault you feel this way and learn to become your own parent or friend or mentor. Learn how to talk to yourself in a way that’s validating and patient and not passive aggressive.
@@cashpay50 You’re on the right track, I recommend doing some deep breathing, or using a guided meditation in the moments where you feel intense emotion. Going on walks or excersizing, cold water on my face, or muscle relaxation techniques help when your emotions are elevated. I learned this in DBT and sometimes I’ll take an ice pack and put in on my face to shock my body back to the present. It’s going to feel like an uphill battle at first but it’s completely normal and gets easier. I went from panic attacks everyday to panic attacks every 2 or 3 weeks. It started with me just trying to move around out of bed even though I felt really depressed and then I added more over time. Adding a routine to your morning and night really helps as well.
@@samruddhisadar1460you are using emotions and impulses interchangeably which is not true. Emotions are how we feel (anxious, sad, tired, happy) impulses are the urge to take action and are often the result of our emotional state Also I think you are taking the word “ignore” too literally. I think resist would better describe what he’s discussing in this video. Acknowledge your emotions first (how are you feeling) and then look at what you do in response to that. (the timeline portion of this video goes over this better) Realizing weather the impulse leads to a positive or negative response from you is where you begin to put in the work on resisting the negative responses that you feel compelled to do over and over, by ignoring yourself.
Summary: Have you ever found yourself stuck in a difficult situation in life, decide to change for a few days but then fall right back into your old ways? One thing that the stoics and yogis found out was the importance of not listening to yourself. Part 1: Arjun & Krishna There's a guy named Arjun, he's fighting in a civil war. His family's been separated by this war, on both sides opposing each other are his cousins, friends, and mentors, some of whom he loves and respects. He despairs and says "I don't want to kill them." Krishna is his friend, says this: "If you run, the problem will only get worse because your cousins are assholes and want to take your land. You have to learn how to resist despairing." Part 2: Following Your Emotions The suffering you have in life is because you follow your negative emotions instead of ignoring them and letting them pass. Any kind of emotions that you let control you will lead to suffering. There are two steps for progress in this regard: avoiding the wrong thing AND doing the right thing. You must "play the tape through to the end" whenever you relapse into an unwanted habit. Part 2.5: The Timeline of Your Desires I feel like I wasted the day. Why? Well: I have a bad interaction with someone online -> I'm not sure how to process the interaction -> I go to my phone/video games/etc. to forget about the interaction -> all of a sudden, 3.5 hours of my day is gone, I feel guilty about wasting the day AND the bad online interaction -> vicious cycle repeat.exe Part 3: How to Resist Impulses The more non-reactionary you can be, the easier life will be for you. You can build up this function (impulse control) through a series of practices: Meditation (resisting the impulse to move) Fixed Point Gazing (staring at a candle without blinking) Pick #2/#3 at restaurants, not #1. Resist impulses to eat your favorite food
My manager was talking about how servers should come in with a super attitude during my training. I just told her that whenever I go into work thinking that I’m gonna have a miserable day and that’s okay, Those are usually my best days. I have a pretty shitty job but I love getting to see people regularly and make friends there so I’m happy going there. It all started with just letting myself be miserable and being okay with all the horrible emotions that the food industry has brought me in the past. But those bad emotions would happen in any endeavor in life so it’s okay
That's really interesting! I've been debating a lot with myself this kinda dichotomy between optimism and low expectations. Like I wanna feel like good things are coming up, but if I expect bad things instead I'm relatively more happy when good things do end up happening, and less disappointed if bad things happen instead. But I don't want to be pessimistic, so idk where to aim for
In my experience they key is to release your expectations. Good or bad, the day is going to go how it is going to go. There will be good, there will be bad, but you are going to show up and give it your best, or hell, maybe you won't. Stop trying to predict the future and the present will have much less hold on you.
One of my favorite meditations for practicing resisting urges is something Dr. K has talked about before, though I can't remember where. It's where you sit completely still with your eyes closed for 5 minutes, not allowed to move a single muscle. The whole time you're feeling these impulses rise up inside you, like shifting if you're uncomfortable or scratching an itch or swallowing, but you can't let them escape. It's super intense, and by the end you feel tangibly relieved that you can move again. I don't do it that often, just because of how intense it is (I usually try to go for 20 or 30 min), but I highly recommend you try it out for 5 or 10 minutes if you want a simple way to practice this.
I went to a military academy as a kid, and I have to say, standing at attention for hours without being allowed to scratch anything or move a muscle was a great excercise in impulse control, that I haven't realised the value of until now.
Another way to practice this for an even shorter length of time is to hold your breath and stay fully relaxed. It's a technique I learned for free diving but it was my gateway into learning how to meditate. You can't move, you can't tense, you can only float. It is so ridiculously hard on land because unlike in water you want to tense and thrash around and you are physically not floating at all. But resisting that desire to move for 10 seconds longer than is easy (so when the difficulty bumps to medium) will not only strengthen your breath holds but also this skill. And most people can probably only hold their breath for 30s to a minute if they haven't trained so it can become a kind of progression to five minutes. Or a way to do a shorter version.
this sounds like straight vipassana, I highly encourage you to check Goenka's method in one of their 10-day retreats. you can ignore some more cultish parts and use the opportunity to fully immerse yourself in this experience that you already tasted.
one important thing i learned recently: assume there's nothing in reality or in your internal experience that objectively points that you SHOULD do one thing or another, and every thought, feeling or desire are constructs of the mind that are used to fulfill a goal, and goals should have practical value for you as a human, so pay attention to what values or goals your actions and thoughts serve (even if you didn't consciously decide them), reflect in how that practically affects reality and why it matters, and if it doesn't practically matter, remember that there is absolutely no reason to keep trusting the thoughts that fulfill those bad goals or even engage with them (no thought has inherent value). just view them as things that appear in your mind and focus on thoughts and actions that align with better values and goals. your intuition will keep surfacing unhelpful thoughts and strong emotions for a while, so learn to deal with them with peace.
This was really well put. There's a lot of value in trusting your feelings, but giving more weight to the feelings that contribute practically to your life getting better is more important than the deeply seated expectations you may have absorbed from parents or society in general
@@Shmethan ty! i have come to this conclusion after struggling a lot with not being able to distrust certain thoughts, as if they're supposed to signal truth all the time. when you start to view thoughts as tools that help you navigate reality, you start to realize that you only need to think to try to predict the future or act in order to change it, but it all comes down to experiences, so, yeah, those expectations you absorbed may not be that great if they don't actually lead to anything positive in the real world. you are even able to "try thoughts" through this perspective, and you also don't need to justify some of those thoughts other than through experience! it's liberating there might be some nuances to consider but i think that's practical enough...
@@smixqse yeah I mean there's a billion ways to interpret these concepts and I feel like yours makes sense and seems helpful. I think it's interesting how many parallels and differences there are between your viewpoint and stoicism, I love how multiple philosophies can be valid at the same time
You're on the right track imo. The only thing to add here is that before reaching these conclusions by ourselves, we won't be able to fully put together what you're expressing... it's not only about knowing these things, one must also experience a personal break through while contemplating these concepts. Reaching these kind of conclusions is something we all must eventually do, at our own pace.
I’ve ignored myself most my life, I had very bad impulse control. The key for myself to stop the impulse is to acknowledge my feelings and don’t resist (what you resist will persist) to just sit with the feelings and acknowledge how they feel in my body. The the magical thing happens is that they just disappear. I’ve learnt that feelings aren’t as scary and hurtful as I thought they were. The hurting was coming from ignoring my own desires, impulses. After sitting with the feeling I can then talk with myself and ask why I want something and is that going to serve my body, mind or soul. Then by eating the cake mindfully I can actually witness in myself that it wasn’t the cake I wanted after all it was the feeling of comfort. Then next time I want cake I can comfort myself in a more healthy way.
I recently discovered this can be applied to procrastination on chores. I found it a lot easier to do the chore then and there by thinking through the consequences of doing things now vs later. This technique cannot be understated!
i wish that applied to me with my coursework... i always put it off because at this point i know im fully capable of completing it all the night before its due/theres a test and although i suffer for it in terms of fatigue, it just doesnt feel important enough to me to consider it as a "consquence". but i also feel like i should stop doing this. how do i learn to care about things more? i figure thats my problem
I love stoicism. But I think when teaching this approach to people we should also consider the pitfalls as well, as it can be misinterpreted and taken too far very easily. Our culture is already encouraging self-sacrifice and ignoring our needs for the sake of providing for ourselves. I see enough people being worked to death every day, desperately clinging to stoic ideals to keep destroying their own health and even rationalising this self-abandonement as an integral, unavoidable part of life. It's heartbreaking. I've been damaged by this mindset as well, through pressure of toxic environment, where nothing I did was ever enough and I wasn't allowed to be tired or quit things that were harming me. I never learned when to say no and prioritize myself, and spent most of my youth being in crisis as a result. And even then I was constantly told I wasn't "stoic enough". I think when starting this conversation, we should start with proper self-care and boundaries first. That said, stoicism has it's time and place. But it's certainly not an answer to every problem.
To be able to teach such a valuable lesson such as self-restraint to your children in the most gentle manner is highly commendable. I was really awe-struck at that portion of the video. A parent who has the intelligence to understand that force is not needed for such lessons, and actively tries to positively influence their children must make such an immense impact on their lives.
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
@@samruddhisadar1460 I believe it's the differentiation of ignoring the impulses and feelings we have that we know are destructive and based on irrationality, while embracing the feeling that caused us to have those urges in the first place. Like if someone is angry and has the urge to self-harm, they should ignore the impulse, but embrace and allow themselves to feel their anger, rather than suppress it they just need to learn to express it in a healthier way.
1) Resist the desire Following the timeline of your desires. Playing the take through the end. How to resist ur impulses. Stoics: 1)Tratika. 2)Focus on resisting impulses. 3) don't order the thing want to order( the best)
The problem is people usually DON'T have an incentive to ignore their impulses. Because feeding the impulse is usually better than whatever is going on in that person's life. It's a competition. And for some ppl, life often ends up disappointing.
In the end you cannot regret anything and whatever happens happens, because we do not have free will. But you can still influence people and it will help some people.
Yeah he’s talked about that in other videos. The core of addiction treatment is helping addicts find something that is worth suffering for. Quitting an addiction is a sacrifice, but maintaining it is also a sacrifice. You have to find something that is so important that you’re unwilling to sacrifice it for your addiction. Easier said than done, as I haven’t figured it out yet
@@specialknees6798 Addiction is nearly always the reaction of being unable to cope with mental stress or problems. If you fix that, you fix addiction in most cases. But a lot people lack 24/7 emotional support in their life so it's hard not to fall back to old behaviors after or during therapy. This is why people with wife or children or people with a strong social network have way less problems getting rid of depression etc. It's the emotional support.
@@weirdwordcomboyou cannot assert that we do not have free will and that we can influence people to make different choices. Those assertions are inconsistent.
Love that story. One of my favorite parts of the Bhagavad Gita. When the armies are lined up in either side of the battle field, conch shells sounding... Hooooo! Powerful stuff
I've been telling people this ever since I overcame some really hard years. I say to them love the pain, learn from the pain, and also learn to avoid creating unnecessary pain. Also, having come out of so much pain, I say every day is the best day of my life, because even pain is better than nothing at all. My best friend recently told me he thinks of me as a monk, and my friends enjoy being around me, so I know I'm on the right track 😄
This is really great advice that I think will be interpreted so very wrong by an astounding amount of Americans. I have to point out that my most destructive impulses are things like: "You don't deserve a day of rest" or "you should do that extra hour of work for free to make that client happy". Self-denial can be another form of addiction that, ironically, will need to be fought with the very same techniques Dr. K is teaching here. Like, all my pants are falling apart or unsuitable in some way, and I'm stressed about going out and giving myself the "luxury" of clothing that fits and isn't ripped or stained!
I am actually pretty good to ignore impulse to do things. My problem is with impulses to not do things. I struggle to maintain sport habits, since doing it demands a lot more efforts than not doing it.
I have a similar issue. Perhaps seeing the urge to not do things/sit on your butt as an impulse is a good way to go about it. So instead of sitting, do something that isn't too much of a hurdle but isn't sitting. Like, maybe take out the trash, or pick something off the floor. Anything. Even if it only takes a minute, but you CHOSE to do it.
@@glauciamsq do you have adhd or any other diagnosis? I was recently diagnosed with adhd at 20 and i had those issues but once I was prescribed adderall xr my life changed and I felt like I had real tangible autonomy and could make decisions that benefit myself
@@deiopedit's not so much that they're "lazy" but unguided and undisciplined, and without a clear goal/purpose. people don't have many set standards and values to uphold unless you're religious or something akin to that.
Oh, Mahabharata! I heard about it (and Arjuna) from my guide in Bali, but after reading a synopsis I thought it was just a classic story about family feud. Turns out there might be much more to it than meets the eye! Thanks for a splendid, eye-opening video, as always. You're an amazing human being, dr K.
I want to warn many of you to not swing the pendulum too far so to speak: I did this through my own study and conclusion my first year of college. It worked really well, and as someone deprived of socialization until then I practically got high on being around people (typical extrovert lmao) but after the first year, who I was became threatened because it was nearly a year since I even gave a thought about who I was, and rn am still struggling with progress on rebuilding my sense of identity and reconciling things from the past with family and friends. So the tip I have is to not silence the inner voice, but learn to let it go in one ear and out the other. Its like zoning out and looking at your phone in a boring convo vs. shutting them up.
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
Something I do from time to time whenever I’m microwaving something is I make a conscious effort to sit still without pulling out my phone or something while microwaving my lunch. I feel like it has helped me
Something I've noticed in at least some of us who've stopped bad habits, is that we develop almost this fear of things that make us feel good. I guess my problem is the opposite of what you're describing, because I was so fixated on stopping eating too much sugar/carbs, but assumed that I'd magically figure out what I wanted to do with the time and health that freed up.
Yes over controlling leads to the exact same problem. Here it’s fear. The negative emotion is found at the extremes. So one who resists emotions completely becomes controlled by them in another manner, too. You’re feeling an emotion for a reason so it’s more about WHY we feel that way and acting with reason. Avoiding the emotion causes other issues. We can’t be out of control eating whatever. But we if we fear doing what we perceive is the wrong thing constantly we manifest misery for ourselves, too. Contentment is somewhere in the middle. Control yourself and enjoy yourself both.
@@schuylergeery-zink1923 The practice should be more about distancing ourselves from the emotion rather than hiding it or numbing it. Acknowledge the emotion, and don't succumb to it. Let youself feel, but don't act on impulse. That's the stoic way.
The simple act of saying to yourself "resist this impulse" is so powerful. I've had many opportunities to flex this muscle so to speak. Like if there's an itch but for some reason I'm unable to scratch it, I just resist the urge to scratch and somehow it goes away or I'm just able to endure it. I fail at this most of the time but sometimes I'm able to resist the urge to scroll my phone when I wake up or before I go to bed. The more we consciously practice this, the better we become at it.
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
Great advice. I will say though, when I was in treatment and recovery, they emphasized actually replacing some bad impulses with good ones instead of just ignoring them completely 100% of the time. Helped me
Nice to hear an interpretation of Krishna and Arjun's conversation that didn't boil down to "join the Hare Krishnas." ISKCON did SO much damage to me. It's nice to see the real yoga and real lessons come through.
This week I have been learning this lesson the hard way. I really appreciate the timing of this video to help me distill the lesson into something that is easier to understand.
Love this. Love that someone brings to the forefront the fact that RESISTANCE is overlooked while action is glorified. Since you mentioned the Stoics there is a quote here that is very relevant from Epictetus (one of the three main sources of Stoicism as we know it, and the most philosophical one). Here Epictetus outlines his whole philosophy and Stoicism itself into three words: Resist and Persist. Speaking directly to what Dr. K is saying. According to Favorinus, Epictetus would also say that there were two vices much blacker and more serious than the rest: lack of persistence and lack of self-control. The former means we cannot bear or endure hardships that we have to endure, the latter means that we cannot resist pleasures or other things we ought to resist. ‘Two words,’ he says, ‘should be committed to memory and obeyed by alternately exhorting and restraining ourselves, words that will ensure we lead a mainly blameless and untroubled life.’ These two words, he used to say, were ‘persist and resist’.
So I thought I have a pretty strong will, I was able to stop smoking (just had 9 year anniversary), snap out of the Diablo addiction, change career mid-life, save money etc. But this is another level 🤩
I have started meditating to strengthen this. I find a comfortable position then I don’t move anything except breathing. I count 100 slow breaths. If my nose itches I acknowledge that but don’t move at all. If my foot becomes uncomfortable I acknowledge that but don’t move or adjust it. Most things actually go away in 10 breaths. I have found it much easier to ignore phone alerts after doing this.
BPD + adhd makes this very hard. I think that safe ways of distraction are not a bad thing, mindfulness helps us not do harmful things to ourselves out of emotional impulse. If you have the urge to SH for example, there are other ways to snap you out of it until you can safely assess your emotions. DBT therapy is pretty helpful in that regard.
@@mekabare it seems like i watched it weeks ago, and it's been 3/4h, my mother told me that i am a problem of all family drama 5 minutes aftet ive watched this video. my friend's been taking care of me for last 2h and i feel like shit, i've got so many new cuts on me its been really hard last 2 weeks and i guess im just venting here. i want to say sorry that i exist but really im venting and screaming for help on the internet where i cant hurt my irl friends
Thank you Dr. K for the information you provide. I can say for sure the information you put out and practices have changed me forever in a positive way.
Im working on myself to quit psychological addiction to some bad things. This video is priseless for me rn, im getting all the info i can to understand how to control incrediby strong desire to doing something i shouldnt. When i'll solve my problems, i'll donate to Dr K, im sure hes helping a lot of people, how to understand yourself and how to resolute internal conflicts
Great timing, really shows how refined the tools for hgg being intune with its community needs are as always see comments like this. Well done and very validating to know others struggle with this too
Trying to overcome my sugar cravings as a diabetic. Will try choosing my second or third choice for food. Thanks for introducing the concept and giving a great explanation of it.
On the bridezilla thing, i wonfer if there's a correlation between wanting the "perfect wedding" and some underlying/subconscious dissatisfaction with the relationship that leads to the early divorce. Maybe they're trying to craft a really memorable and picture perfect wedding to overshadow and block out the unhappiness inside, tricking themselves into remembering it fondly instead of as something they regret
Personally I think it’s a social trap. Societal pressure to be in a relationship and get married. Some people literally are afraid of being single and so they bounce from relationship to relationship their entire teenage and adult lives. They get married because that’s just what you do when you date someone for a certain amount of time and you’re both a certain age, as opposed to getting married because they’re truly determined to grow together as loving partners. The wedding is a fantasy, an opportunity to show off, conspicuous consumption, peer pressure, and societal pressure all rolled into one. Lots of fun when the couple are genuinely in love and focused on having a good time and celebrating. Awful otherwise.
Women are also usually expected to do most of the work during weddings and it gets to their head. Easy to get frantic and obsessive when it's something instilled in you from decades of TV and movies. How many men get emotionally invested in their own weddings? Hardly any. Honestly it should be a courthouse wedding and an BOMB honeymoon because weddings always seemed like a spectacle to me.
I wonder if it's one of those correlation not causation stats tbh - like rich people can afford fancy weddings and can also more easily afford divorces.
I’ve been scared of bridezillas. My fiancé is more into the details that would go into our future wedding than I am. I told him I trust his judgment and aesthetics. The things I am personally interested in are my wedding dress, rings & bouquet. Because the photos will decorate our house, etc. 💙
Something I learnt by myself by experience and pain, thank you for the reminder man. I blocked all shit that that my phone had, games, reels on instagram, porn. Blocked all I had on my computer and simply work in myself, study, workout, and go out with friends until I get healthy. It's hard incially but feels good. Stoicism is just peak tier emocional management, it should exist and be learnt at school! Meditation and reading(kindle or book) also peak tier
I find this too simplistic. Ignoring ourselves is also how we neglect ourselves, it's how we stay in unfulfilling or even dangerous relationships. I feel like Dr. K even caught this himself when he talked about "I'm so lonely" and how listening to that emotion keeps the thoughts in your head when you go to a party. Listening to the emotion is what takes you to the party. Emotions aren't to be ignored, it's about discernment. Otherwise "I'm lonely, and I'll do nothing about it." "I'm in pain, but I'll ignore the pain."
Ignoring myself lead to destroying my health from pushing through, which was ingrained over a lifetime of being gaslit and having my needs ridiculed and dismissed. I'm just done with life. There's no step I can make to improve it anymore, there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
When an emotion or impulse arises within us, waiting it out allows the mind to return to homeostasis. The suffering I experience in life is caused by acting on my emotions instead of refraining from reacting to them. Resisting impulses is the foundation of taking the right actions. Making the right decision requires two cognitive tasks: first, resisting the impulse urging you to make a poor decision, and second, committing to the correct decision. It is important not only to focus on making the right decision but also on avoiding the wrong one. Techniques for resisting impulses: 1. Be aware and pay attention to the consequences of giving in to impulses. 2. How to develop the skill of resisting impulses? Meditation-particularly trataka meditation-is highly effective. 3. When you go to a restaurant, avoid ordering the best option on the menu. Practice resisting temptation by choosing something lower on the list.
A few years ago I just could not stop eating fast food and especially bags of chips with lots of sugary sodas. Instead of directly forbidding myself from craving I have developed a mechanism where I tell myself "nah I dont really feel like that now" to ignore the crave. It does not always work and sometimes I just give in - the key is not strictly forbidding yourself something but to presuade yourself you really don't want to at this time.
That's also how I do it. Strictly forbidding myself things would make me have a growing urge that I wouldn't be able to fight after approximately three days. Instead, if I tell myself: "No, it's okay. You can go buy a coke if you want to," then the fight is immediately over. Since I gave myself general permission I don't have to act fast on it and just can buy it "later". But later the impulse will be gone.
And now the video about doing the things that you have to do!!!! This is a MUST after this brilliant video about ignoring/resisting impulses (What you want/desires).
You make it sound so easy, or as if I won't eventually completely crumble and ravenously cave into that thing I wanted for so long, but didn't get because I suppressed my impulse.
I have near 0 impulse control, telling myself no actually feels overwhelming and extremely upset in the moment.1 weird tip I use is telling myself "yes I'm going to (insert behaviour)" , then use my physical body to do something else "on the sly". It's been extremely helpful, hopefully that'll help somebody!
@@cferracini I think for some people if they tell themselves to do something they don't want to do it creates internal resistance. Like a parent telling you to do the washing up when you were about to do it anyway. They're saying that internally they tell themselves that they can do the fun/bad thing so they don't create this resistance, but then they actually go ahead and do the less fun/good thing anyway. That's what I understood at least.
I've discover this recently with my phone, the more i resist the impulse of browsing social media, the more in control i feel. I even attempt to delete de app from the phone to not being able to enter the app, but this result in a diminished feel of control. Same happen when i have to let my masculine desires out. I began to ignore the desires to masturbate daily and take a weekend to weekend approach where only the sundays I allow to myself to do it. Its hard, and I fail often, specially with food, but when i achieve to control the impulse, man thats wonderful. Doctor here putting this in words is another level of understanding that helps me to being more in control. lots of things to learn. Thank you doctor!
An odd thing I started doing is I've started to let mosquitoes bite me, sometimes. I started doing it because I didn't like that I was killing something for no reason other than it annoyed me, but I kept doing it because it's really fascinating to feel a very strong impulse to swat it, but then do nothing about it. And then I would have a mosquito bite and I would have to continue to resist the impulse to scratch it. It's pretty interesting. Don't try it if you're really allergic to their bites, though. Or if you're in an area where they carry disease often.
That is really interesting! I've been trying really hard to improve my self-control recently and I have a very deep seated habit of picking at or chewing my fingers, and I've gotten to the point where most of the time I'm consciously able to stop myself if I notice myself doing it. The problem is the subconscious, since I'm so used to doing it as my 'fidget' so idk what to do to catch myself when I'm literally doing it without thinking. In general, it's been helpful trying to focus on it and not let myself fold when I really wanna mess with them
What I do is seeing impulses as a treat. I allow myself cheat meals, but only once a week, I allow myself to drink a bubble tea, but only if I walk the distance to it... It actually makes the experience more rewarding, like "I ate meat today, and it means I didn't for a week ! I'm proud of myself for lowering my carbon footprint" It's like paying the price first, so future me can have the treat. I pride myself when I self-sacrifice, and then I can pride myself again for having done it, instead of shaming myself for giving in.
The more I watch you the more I see the broken parts of myself. The amount of things wrong scares me. On the plus side I'm on the path of fixing what I can
try to keep in mind you currently have a focus on what is 'wrong' with you (watching videos on selfimprovement and all) and not what is right. It becomes even more noticable when you combine that with humans tendency to focus on the negative. As a weird example when you try to find 10 flaws in two pictures all you focus is on the flaws and how obvious they are once you have noticed them, however the pictures ARE nearly identical we are just not noticing the similarities - in other words you are likely forgetting some of your many good traits because you are focusing on your problemmatic ones. I have the same problem and i feel seeing yourself objectively comparatively to others would be helpful to most peoples self-impressions. (imo the problem with comparing yourself to others is that it's not objective at all and it is impossible not to be subjective. Like if you don't feel accomplished you will notice everyone who is accomplished and focus on that. If you have anger issues you will focus on someone very chill and feel like the hulk in coparison.) Anyway i hope this helps and also keep in mind that you are likely completely unaware of your greatest strenghts because they have never been a problem for you so there has never been a reason for you to think about them nor analyse them. Have a nice day =D and plz excuse any grammar/spelling/typos :P
@@amyamy8177 thanks I really needed to hear that, I have a habit of comparing myself to everyone since I grew up being compared to other kids. Constantly being told about how better this guy is than me etv
@@pencilcase8068yeah comparison is genuinely imo one of the most harmful mindsets, like I know it's hard to avoid w how our society works but it's just not worth your time, it won't give realistic benchmarks since it's not like we actually know what other people's lives are like, and like the person above me said we're realistically just gonna compare the negative parts of ourselves since perhaps that's how we were conditioned by critical parents or whatever else. I'd definitely reccomend telling yourself that you're not in the same circumstances as other folks, so you don't need to try to measure yourself against them. You really are doing well, I think things will get even better from here on for you :)
I think we are all broken in some ways, I just think the people who are happier have either worked on their issues to a point where its bearable, or they tend not to fixate on their shortcomings
I found that the worst impulse I have now is the constant desire to be on my phone. I finally signed up for service on my apple watch and I don't really touch my phone when I'm at home. My screen time went from 4-6 hours a day to 20-30 minutes. I use my laptop quite a bit though which is something I'm trying to cut back on. Work is work.
Hey dr K! Thank you and your team for the effort, wisdom and knowledge you bring bring! It would be fantastic if you share some more tips and tricks on parenting and those gamified exercises you play with your kids! ❤ 10:16
This really helps so much. I never thought my eczema growing up would've had such a large effect on me growing up. But I always gave in and itched the rash every chance I got, and it really shows in my impulse control now.
There are a lot of things I try to keep tabs on in my mind, but I get the feeling this one specifically might domino into helping me grapple with many reactionary emotions I experience on a daily basis, which inevitable end with me engaging in the same undesired behaviors. Another incredibly helpful video! Also if i may, you should increase the contrast a tiny bit on your footage, it looks sliiightly washed out
Meditation is a really powerful practice and if you do it over time it really makes you more relaxed, opened and kind. Just keep it going and over few weeks one may see a result, and when the result comes - just keep it going further. I would also consider to do a guided yoga nidra meditation when going to sleep. It helps to relax all the body and relieve from stress and worries.
Respond instead of React. Give yourself the time to intellectually respond to a situation, instead of immediately reacting emotionally. We were trained since infancy, throughout school and life to react. It takes alot of discipline and mental work to change the bad habit of reaction and retrain our brains, to think it out, in order to get the results we desire.
I didn't know that as simple as "ignoring yourself" can be really effective for conquering addictions and it's something that I needed for years. Thank you dr. K ❤
Krishna and Arjun is now like a bedtime story for me :-) It's not lost on me that all Arjun's family, teachers, and friends are on the other side. It's the battle of losing what you thought was your identity.
Arjun: "Krisha, I don't want to kill my friends and family. I don't think this is a good idea" Krishna: "I know what you really need. IMPULSE CONTROL" lmao
Good video but I think it needs to specify the differencing between numbing yourself to an impulse vs not acting on an impulse. The best way to gain control over your life while getting mental benefits is to completely feel your impulses and emotions and still be able to not act on them. A lot of discourse around Stoicism leans towards numbing yourself which just causes the problems to simmer and boil over eventually. A lot of discourse in psychology is about avoiding emotional suppression which can be lumped in with listening to impulses. Both sides miss half the picture. You must both be unsuppressed and Stoic in the face of your unsuppressed self. That is how you can truly choose the life you lead.
Focused point meditation (as well as the "look at a wall for 30 minutes") is impossible for me, as I get so bored I start falling asleep. I do not get distracted, but I can feel my eyes closing, and I cannot combat it.
You don't necessarily need to start at 30 minutes or even fixed-point meditation, it's all about finding what works best for you and what you can manage :^) you could start with 10 or even 5 minutes with something that makes sense for the kind of person you are.
i don't know much about fixed point gazing (I'm interested to learn more), but perhaps you could gaze at a fixed point while standing on a swing in a playground, or sitting on a windy cliffside, or even just sitting on a sofa armrest so that you're not so stable?
For me, one of my eyes is slightly lazy and one of them starts to drift which results in everything blurring and me seeing double. This only happens when I completely zone out and stare into space or while trying to focus my vision on one spot, I can move it around every 5-10 seconds to make the eye strop drifting but I don't know if I'm still doing the mental exercise properly at that point.
Always appreciate the insight from this channel. Also thanks for showing more stuff on Hinduism, always wanted to learn more about it but it is a little difficult to digest (for me)
Love the gita knowledge drop. Ive been reading the Mahabharat for a while now and its such a complex, entertaining and profound book. Its like a deep dive into brilliant minds of the past and their wonderful knowledge.
But the question then is, what do you do? Like if you're supposed to not go after your desires and stuff, what do you do. The reason why I "should" eat the salad over the burger is just another concept and idea or not? Or with video games when do I allow myself to play them and when should I resist?
maybe choose to do something entirely different without having a desire, or just wait til the desire is gone so the practice is complete then do whatever you want. and i guess you don't need to resist every desire ever, you just need to build a regular practice. the goal is to build distance between having desires and deciding to fulfill them
When I was highly and actively suicidal, being able to do nothing was a battle won. I think that helped me put into perspective that resisting dangerous or "wrong" choices is in itself hard and valuable.
Great video. Obviously I don't expect Dr. K to reply, but would be wonderful if someone who has insight on this topic could help my understanding of one point: The thing that confuses me about this sort of stoic approach to life is - where does joy factor into things? Or doing things that give joy? Am I confounding joy with temporary pleasure? But isn't joy inherently fleeting? But isn't it important to experience joy from time to time? I want to increase my joy, but it seems to lead to these attachments and inability to abstain, which increases suffering...I'm clearly not thinking of things correctly, but can't seem to figure out why it's not adding up for me, and would love to better make sense of this.
this is not just "resisting the impulse" but rewiring the rewarding system with the mystery outcome that is unusual or unknown 🧠 such eye opening approach! I see how this will be constructive in so many ways, thank you!
Wow. I am posting this comment before watching the video, and this morning I thought to myself, “meditating is basically learning how to ignore your own thoughts.”
In my opinion "ignoring yourself" is poorly phrased. I mean, are we supposed to ignore *any* impulse? Is it assumed we only have stupid desires and impulses? It seems like we are rather talking only about *poor* impulses, that lead to bad results, and that should be ignored. It's just that's not really mentioned in this video.
it's interesting to think that we tend to focus on getting good outcomes instead of solving every part of the problem, which doesn't solve the problem. imagine you're trying to be productive and you think it's a waste of time, but you try creating the habit of doing things that feel like a waste of time. that approach won't work well because the thought that it's a waste of time and its implications will still be in your head, creating resistance, so you'll be essentially conditioning yourself to spend energy on fighting the resistance every time instead of getting rid of the resistance. it's so important to understand that
Under stress I find that I tend to vacillate between the two extremes: either completely ignoring myself to the point of missing important physical or emotional cues reminding me to attend to my basic needs, or sucked into the impulse gratifying zone. I suspect this is a fairly common phenomenon. Obviously willpower can be strengthened, but it will eventually run out if you push too hard. It’s a tough balancing act. But I think it is important to understand that “ignoring yourself” in this context is like ignoring your kid whining for candy in the grocery store - not forgetting to feed them dinner.
THIS! I needed exactly this, right now. I've been listening to that chattering monkey, ignoring a lesson I learned decades ago: "Despair is a lie", since my best pal/neighbor left the planet a few months ago. I'll be coming back to this lesson often in the next couple of months, as I move toward making my current situation a dim memory. Thank, Dr K.
I read the gita lol and I somehow misunderstood this point. I really appreciate you helping break down the two components here because now I can actually focus on breaking the pull of desires while also respecting my inner child. I already tried the extreme goal oriented version but its really hard. The ego lashes out and starts producing resentment etc... But recently I've started doing just what you're suggesting without really knowing it. The moment I waste time on something unproductive and unenjoyable I make a note and/or try to stop myself.
I love how Dr K puts everything into a modern context.
“And Krishna said to Arjun…
Hey bro, eat a salad.” 😂
lmao I completely lost it at that point! 💀💀💀
need timestamp
I was embellishing a little for the comedy value but at 5:10 he switches from old timey history talk to “listen bro” and salads.
Arjun: "Krisha, I don't want to kill my friends and family. I don't think this is a good idea"
Krishna: "I know what you really need. IMPULSE CONTROL" lmao
@@Enlightened2371 Lol I know right?! Without the full context, Krishna sounds like a psychopath. 😂
I had a phase when I was 25 and crippled by social anxiety, decided to completely ignore the negative voice in my head and just do the activities I liked or wanted. Got into volunteering, met new people, went to more parties in 3 months than I went in my entire life at that point, learned that people liked me, and nearly got a girlfriend.
Then I had to stop because I was constantly bombarded by my family for being selfish, threatened by my parents to be thrown out of the apartment they let me stay in at that time because I wasn't dedicating my time helping them do chores at home, and generally being gaslighted into feeling responsible for their misery.
So now that I am 32, have a job, good wage, am single and depressed, my mom finally said she is proud of me for the first time ever. So I guess... life is ok?!
I feel for you man
Honest question: do you value your mother’s validation at this point? I wonder if it would be healthier to just let go of it (from the perspective of my own life)
Feels like she's more proud of herself rather than you.
I'm 28 and i'm Just Now breaking through my family's negative impulse (You Work!!)
I had to move-out live alone to get on healthy ground. (3 long years)
I was just telling a friend yesterday who is struggling with beating herself up and never getting approval from her Mom that she needs to approve of herself. There is nothing her Mom can give her & she has to accept it but it doesn’t mean she can’t feel good about herself. It’s a practice, it takes time. You are AMAZING with or without her applause. Keep telling yourself that. ♥️
6:19 "The problem is in our society today, we are also goal focused and outcome focused that we just think about doing the right thing, we don't think about avoiding the wrong thing." Perfectly said in my opinion
Hmm I constantly think about avoiding the wrong thing. That’s basically how I live my life.
*all so
@@yungrichnbroke5199 As someone who had perfectionism. I can relate to that and I go hard on myself if I fail to avoid doing that wrong thing/mistake from foresight.
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
@@samruddhisadar1460 its slightly different. impulse wise, that helps you gain control over yourself. letting out your feelings isnt exactly you doing something impulsive. it prevents things from bottling and building up and lets you think about them a little more. basically, instead of stress eating on impulse you can write down why you think you're stressed, or write down how the stress feels. at least, that's how i interpret it
The less I think (worry) about myself in any given situation, I find I become more open and curious about new experiences and people. If you spend all your time worrying about yourself, you have very little time to go outward and live your life.
Developing an external focus on things is something that sounds superficial on the surface but is one of the more profound skills a person can develop. Too deep of a topic to post here and not hyping it as a cure-all (nothing is) but just to emphasis this point for people who haven't considered it.
What did you do about the panic attacks?
@@slamkam07 I've never had panic attacks for whatever reason, just extreme social anxiety to the point I could barely communicate.
What are you doing to live in balance?
@@jan_darysh I did therapy for quite a while. Now I just try to stay mindful about my thoughts. If I go into those negative/anxious thoughts, I try to lead myself away. Guided mindfulness meditation is really helpful. And if even you're like "I can't do meditation" imo doing 5-10 min guided mindfulness meditation for even a few weeks can really change the way you perceive your thoughts and give you some advanced control over them.
Becoming a Resistor will make you a healthy Transistor ⭐️
Lol, fucking love this!
Will I ever change fields and become a transformer?
@@gonnfishy2987 there’s more to you than meets the eye™
@@drivers99 😃
Flippity flop, become unstuck.
The thing is I used to ignore myself too much. From being raised with Christian ideals and my best friend at the time being the pastor's daughter, there was a LOT of pressure to do the right thing. I think my friend actually thought being perfect was possible, too. Anyways, while she seemed to embody the 'you are a child of God and He loves you," I focused a lot more on "Love thy neighbour," and "helping people is it's own reward." While this was fine for a while, I started to get very depressed in junior high. I realize now it's because no matter how hard I was working to do well by others, no one ever did the same for me. Not even my 'best friend'. I was always told the story of the two wolves within us that are constantly fighting. The white wolf symbolizes kindness, patience, and other positive attributes. The black wolf represends hatred, greed, and other negative attributes. The moral of the story is the one that wins is the one you feed. It took me until after I was finished college to realize that the black wolf is still a part of you, and not feeding it is starving a part of yourself. The black wolf wanted us to be happy. It wanted to protect us. It wanted us to feel like we our desires are worth fighting for and that we were just as worthy of the good things in the world as everyone else.
I like to say at this point I grew horns. Both because I feel like I grew 'less holy' from it and I got much better at butting heads with people. I'd never start a fight I didn't think I couldn't win (verbally, not physically), but if someone said or did something I percieved as being wrong, I'd be much more likely to say something about it. I remember working at a Tim Horton's and a manager chastised me as he was walking away. At first I restrained myself and didn't respond, but I could almost feel the clawed hand on my shoulder. "Are you really going to let him get away with that? That was totally uncalled for, especially in the middle of a shift. You always want to protect others, but how can you do that if you can't even defend yourself?' It didn't exactly end well, but not saying anything would've left me feeling more miserable and helpless, so I don't regret my actions. I've become a lot more confident and where I can't say I love myself, I am proud of who I've become.
TL;DR-Resisting temptation is fine, but remember that you deserve to be happy
Fellow ex-christian here. Just take time to re-watch the video, and if possible, keep notes. There is no "ignore yourself" in general, it was a fancy way to say "Do not act on impulse". It's okay to do something that makes you happy, as long as it's a choice and it's controlled.
I totally agree. I like your black and white wolf analogy. I'm an ex-christian as well and struggle with self-love and perfectionism. I'm learning that addressing your needs and desires, and being happy about it is normal and not something to feel guilty about. However, while discovering new things that I wasn't allowed to do in the past, it's so easy to go rampant and self indulge! So I think, like the other commenter said, it's good to learn not to act on your impulses, and at the same time find a way to let yourself to enjoy things when the time is right.
And standing up for yourself is another thing that's so hard to learn, but also it's so important. Idk where I'm getting with this, but I just wanted to say I'm proud of you finding the strength to defend yourself.
I always feel like there's 2 of me (probably has to do with separating my feelings out back in high school but we're working on it) - there's the me that's doing things, here and now, with the impulses and the decision making and there's the me that's actually getting emotions and determining if I'm happy
I want to be happy, so that second me is the person I want to keep safe and warm and fulfilled. The first part gets those feelings too, so he wants it as well, but he's swept up in the day to day and the body impulses and all that other nonsense. The way I read this is Dr K is saying to ignore the stimuli of that first piece, the action doer, and focus on the emotions you feel and work towards improving those - ignore yourself to make a better world for yourself
Yeah, I had the same thought. I come from an evangelical background with a narcissist parent - my biggest battle over the last few years has been learning to stop ignoring myself as much. I've really struggled to find a balance of truly feeding my deepest needs, without indulging every little want that pops up. With that in mind, there's certainly useful pieces to be taken from this video.
Just to clarify, I myself am a devout Christian (and always will be.) Anyway, I wanted to point out that Christianity is of course about, Loving thy neighbor and turning the other cheek, but that doesnt mean it's ONLY those things. The Bible also teaches us when fighting is needed, being strong and bold, etc. (For example, when God commands His people to fight in war numerous times in the Old Testament.)
There seems to be a common belief that Christians are ONLY about peace, when in fact, Jesus says the next time He'll come back, it'll be with a sword. When you fight, whether physical or spiritual warfare, you need to do so with the right reasons and right timing. (Ecclesiastes 3 states that there is a time for everything.) So advice is, if you want strength, DO NOT give in to ANY demon or any force driven by your ego, but by JESUS CHRIST (Psalms 28:7- The LORD is my strength and shield.)
And on a final note, your friend stated that she believes you can be perfect. I can see why she would say that (Matthew 5:48- Be perfect, as my Heavenly Father in Heaven is perfect.) But, to clarify, true perfection is only obtainable for us AFTER the resurrection... The best we can do NOW, is to repent (turn away) from sin, and to put our faith in the one who IS perfect, Jesus Christ. We as Christians need to imitate Christ, meaning to not sin, and to want to reflect His character more and more, as best we can, for the rest of our lives. (Matthew 16:24 says to pick up our cross daily and follow Him.)
So in John 8:11, when Jesus tells the women caught in adultery, "Go and sin no more", He meant it. If you truly do Love God, you're gonna repent from your sins. And even if you DID fall back into sin, a TRUE CHRISTIAN, would immediately repent and start walking upright again. (Proverbs 24:16- A righteous man falls seven times, but gets up again.) So although, we're not perfect, heh, we still need to strive for it, and get better and better the longer we walk with Christ.
I've gone through this phase before, and I'm still learning along the way. Nobody here is ever perfect in any way, and that's the mere beauty of our own existence.
thank you!
True!
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
Right bruh I think it’s about ur environment tbh
@@samruddhisadar1460right twin we in a world full of questions with no answers
As someone who practices archery, I found myself practicing fixed point gazing without even realizing I'm doing it. I focus my eyes on my target, and I direct my attention also towards how my hands are stabilized, and the release of my motion. After doing archery for some time, I found my mental health improved a lot. I would highly encourage people to also take up archery practice for mental health benefits
martial arts is everything, it saved my life once, now I hope i can afford it again
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
It is not ignoring yourself, or suppressing yourself. It is more like redirect your focus onto a different target, so that your whole being is directed towards something more postive (hopefully). @@samruddhisadar1460
@@samruddhisadar1460 it all about balance
@@samruddhisadar1460 It's not about ignoring emotions, it's about ignoring your impulses. Impulses are something you do because they are learned, and often are not very helpful in day-to-day life. Keeping track of your emotions in your journal helps you discover where your thoughts stem from, and keeps a consistent database of how your mind operates. You should not ignore your emotions. Approach them with curiosity, grace, and understanding.
Picking the item on the menu that isn't your number 1 choice is actually very smart, because not only do you stop yourself from being ok with not having exactly what you want, you might find out new things you like.
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
I dont know what is this video about. What i do is trigger emotion, for example if im being distracted from task i should do. i will sit and do nothing (or stare at wall), my emotion is triggering inside and is uncomfortable (expressing). But on the outside, i do not follow the distracted action (resisting)
@@samruddhisadar1460 When he talks about ignoring he means doing things in spite of those feelings. You still want to allow the feelings to exist and understand them, validate and accept them, but even though you’re feeling that way still make choices based off what you want and what will help you feel better. I go for walks, meditate, cook, and excersize and it helps me a lot with panic attacks. It takes a lot of time and baby steps but remember that this isn’t your fault you feel this way and learn to become your own parent or friend or mentor. Learn how to talk to yourself in a way that’s validating and patient and not passive aggressive.
@@cashpay50 You’re on the right track, I recommend doing some deep breathing, or using a guided meditation in the moments where you feel intense emotion. Going on walks or excersizing, cold water on my face, or muscle relaxation techniques help when your emotions are elevated. I learned this in DBT and sometimes I’ll take an ice pack and put in on my face to shock my body back to the present. It’s going to feel like an uphill battle at first but it’s completely normal and gets easier. I went from panic attacks everyday to panic attacks every 2 or 3 weeks. It started with me just trying to move around out of bed even though I felt really depressed and then I added more over time. Adding a routine to your morning and night really helps as well.
@@samruddhisadar1460you are using emotions and impulses interchangeably which is not true. Emotions are how we feel (anxious, sad, tired, happy) impulses are the urge to take action and are often the result of our emotional state
Also I think you are taking the word “ignore” too literally. I think resist would better describe what he’s discussing in this video.
Acknowledge your emotions first (how are you feeling) and then look at what you do in response to that. (the timeline portion of this video goes over this better)
Realizing weather the impulse leads to a positive or negative response from you is where you begin to put in the work on resisting the negative responses that you feel compelled to do over and over, by ignoring yourself.
Summary:
Have you ever found yourself stuck in a difficult situation in life, decide to change for a few days but then fall right back into your old ways?
One thing that the stoics and yogis found out was the importance of not listening to yourself.
Part 1: Arjun & Krishna
There's a guy named Arjun, he's fighting in a civil war. His family's been separated by this war, on both sides opposing each other are his cousins, friends, and mentors, some of whom he loves and respects. He despairs and says "I don't want to kill them."
Krishna is his friend, says this: "If you run, the problem will only get worse because your cousins are assholes and want to take your land. You have to learn how to resist despairing."
Part 2: Following Your Emotions
The suffering you have in life is because you follow your negative emotions instead of ignoring them and letting them pass. Any kind of emotions that you let control you will lead to suffering.
There are two steps for progress in this regard: avoiding the wrong thing AND doing the right thing.
You must "play the tape through to the end" whenever you relapse into an unwanted habit.
Part 2.5: The Timeline of Your Desires
I feel like I wasted the day. Why? Well: I have a bad interaction with someone online -> I'm not sure how to process the interaction -> I go to my phone/video games/etc. to forget about the interaction -> all of a sudden, 3.5 hours of my day is gone, I feel guilty about wasting the day AND the bad online interaction -> vicious cycle repeat.exe
Part 3: How to Resist Impulses
The more non-reactionary you can be, the easier life will be for you. You can build up this function (impulse control) through a series of practices:
Meditation (resisting the impulse to move)
Fixed Point Gazing (staring at a candle without blinking)
Pick #2/#3 at restaurants, not #1. Resist impulses to eat your favorite food
Thank You So Much Jeremiahkim
My manager was talking about how servers should come in with a super attitude during my training. I just told her that whenever I go into work thinking that I’m gonna have a miserable day and that’s okay, Those are usually my best days. I have a pretty shitty job but I love getting to see people regularly and make friends there so I’m happy going there. It all started with just letting myself be miserable and being okay with all the horrible emotions that the food industry has brought me in the past. But those bad emotions would happen in any endeavor in life so it’s okay
That's really interesting! I've been debating a lot with myself this kinda dichotomy between optimism and low expectations. Like I wanna feel like good things are coming up, but if I expect bad things instead I'm relatively more happy when good things do end up happening, and less disappointed if bad things happen instead. But I don't want to be pessimistic, so idk where to aim for
@@Shmethan wish for the best, prepare for the worst
now how to idk
In my experience they key is to release your expectations. Good or bad, the day is going to go how it is going to go. There will be good, there will be bad, but you are going to show up and give it your best, or hell, maybe you won't. Stop trying to predict the future and the present will have much less hold on you.
Stoicism in a nutshell
One of my favorite meditations for practicing resisting urges is something Dr. K has talked about before, though I can't remember where. It's where you sit completely still with your eyes closed for 5 minutes, not allowed to move a single muscle. The whole time you're feeling these impulses rise up inside you, like shifting if you're uncomfortable or scratching an itch or swallowing, but you can't let them escape. It's super intense, and by the end you feel tangibly relieved that you can move again. I don't do it that often, just because of how intense it is (I usually try to go for 20 or 30 min), but I highly recommend you try it out for 5 or 10 minutes if you want a simple way to practice this.
I went to a military academy as a kid, and I have to say, standing at attention for hours without being allowed to scratch anything or move a muscle was a great excercise in impulse control, that I haven't realised the value of until now.
Another way to practice this for an even shorter length of time is to hold your breath and stay fully relaxed. It's a technique I learned for free diving but it was my gateway into learning how to meditate. You can't move, you can't tense, you can only float. It is so ridiculously hard on land because unlike in water you want to tense and thrash around and you are physically not floating at all. But resisting that desire to move for 10 seconds longer than is easy (so when the difficulty bumps to medium) will not only strengthen your breath holds but also this skill. And most people can probably only hold their breath for 30s to a minute if they haven't trained so it can become a kind of progression to five minutes. Or a way to do a shorter version.
he literally explained it in this video bruh
i have breathing problems due to asthma and a limited lung capacity,. that is very hard@@tiryaclearsong421
this sounds like straight vipassana, I highly encourage you to check Goenka's method in one of their 10-day retreats. you can ignore some more cultish parts and use the opportunity to fully immerse yourself in this experience that you already tasted.
on day 4 of my sobriety journey, really needed this vid. thank you dr. k
Good luck on your journey!
IWNBDWYT!
Power to you!
Stay strong! Proud of you for 4 days.
You’re doing great 💚 we are rooting for you!!
one important thing i learned recently: assume there's nothing in reality or in your internal experience that objectively points that you SHOULD do one thing or another, and every thought, feeling or desire are constructs of the mind that are used to fulfill a goal, and goals should have practical value for you as a human, so pay attention to what values or goals your actions and thoughts serve (even if you didn't consciously decide them), reflect in how that practically affects reality and why it matters, and if it doesn't practically matter, remember that there is absolutely no reason to keep trusting the thoughts that fulfill those bad goals or even engage with them (no thought has inherent value). just view them as things that appear in your mind and focus on thoughts and actions that align with better values and goals. your intuition will keep surfacing unhelpful thoughts and strong emotions for a while, so learn to deal with them with peace.
This was really well put. There's a lot of value in trusting your feelings, but giving more weight to the feelings that contribute practically to your life getting better is more important than the deeply seated expectations you may have absorbed from parents or society in general
@@Shmethan ty! i have come to this conclusion after struggling a lot with not being able to distrust certain thoughts, as if they're supposed to signal truth all the time. when you start to view thoughts as tools that help you navigate reality, you start to realize that you only need to think to try to predict the future or act in order to change it, but it all comes down to experiences, so, yeah, those expectations you absorbed may not be that great if they don't actually lead to anything positive in the real world. you are even able to "try thoughts" through this perspective, and you also don't need to justify some of those thoughts other than through experience! it's liberating
there might be some nuances to consider but i think that's practical enough...
I really like how you put that, very well said. I'm going to try this out as it is very empowering.
@@smixqse yeah I mean there's a billion ways to interpret these concepts and I feel like yours makes sense and seems helpful. I think it's interesting how many parallels and differences there are between your viewpoint and stoicism, I love how multiple philosophies can be valid at the same time
You're on the right track imo.
The only thing to add here is that before reaching these conclusions by ourselves, we won't be able to fully put together what you're expressing... it's not only about knowing these things, one must also experience a personal break through while contemplating these concepts.
Reaching these kind of conclusions is something we all must eventually do, at our own pace.
I’ve ignored myself most my life, I had very bad impulse control. The key for myself to stop the impulse is to acknowledge my feelings and don’t resist (what you resist will persist) to just sit with the feelings and acknowledge how they feel in my body. The the magical thing happens is that they just disappear. I’ve learnt that feelings aren’t as scary and hurtful as I thought they were. The hurting was coming from ignoring my own desires, impulses. After sitting with the feeling I can then talk with myself and ask why I want something and is that going to serve my body, mind or soul. Then by eating the cake mindfully I can actually witness in myself that it wasn’t the cake I wanted after all it was the feeling of comfort. Then next time I want cake I can comfort myself in a more healthy way.
THIS.
Wait…I just learned how to start listening to myself.
elaborate
There's more than one of you to listen to.
This is for people who would prefer to listen to the one they keep failing to.
Perfect, now you can listen to yourself telling you to resist an urge 😁
I recently discovered this can be applied to procrastination on chores. I found it a lot easier to do the chore then and there by thinking through the consequences of doing things now vs later. This technique cannot be understated!
What I do is remind myself that I won't want to do it later any more than I want to now. And that makes it easier for me to do what needs to be done
What I do is I tell myself that by doing and finishing the task I gain peace of mind and became calmer
I may give this a go. Sometimes my brain just won't let me get up.
i wish that applied to me with my coursework... i always put it off because at this point i know im fully capable of completing it all the night before its due/theres a test and although i suffer for it in terms of fatigue, it just doesnt feel important enough to me to consider it as a "consquence". but i also feel like i should stop doing this. how do i learn to care about things more? i figure thats my problem
I love stoicism. But I think when teaching this approach to people we should also consider the pitfalls as well, as it can be misinterpreted and taken too far very easily.
Our culture is already encouraging self-sacrifice and ignoring our needs for the sake of providing for ourselves. I see enough people being worked to death every day, desperately clinging to stoic ideals to keep destroying their own health and even rationalising this self-abandonement as an integral, unavoidable part of life. It's heartbreaking.
I've been damaged by this mindset as well, through pressure of toxic environment, where nothing I did was ever enough and I wasn't allowed to be tired or quit things that were harming me. I never learned when to say no and prioritize myself, and spent most of my youth being in crisis as a result. And even then I was constantly told I wasn't "stoic enough".
I think when starting this conversation, we should start with proper self-care and boundaries first.
That said, stoicism has it's time and place. But it's certainly not an answer to every problem.
Agreed. I feel like the way Dr K phrased this is just so lacking in balance.
People are getting more and more self centered and self conscious in society
To be able to teach such a valuable lesson such as self-restraint to your children in the most gentle manner is highly commendable. I was really awe-struck at that portion of the video. A parent who has the intelligence to understand that force is not needed for such lessons, and actively tries to positively influence their children must make such an immense impact on their lives.
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
@@samruddhisadar1460 I believe it's the differentiation of ignoring the impulses and feelings we have that we know are destructive and based on irrationality, while embracing the feeling that caused us to have those urges in the first place. Like if someone is angry and has the urge to self-harm, they should ignore the impulse, but embrace and allow themselves to feel their anger, rather than suppress it they just need to learn to express it in a healthier way.
1) Resist the desire
Following the timeline of your desires.
Playing the take through the end.
How to resist ur impulses.
Stoics:
1)Tratika.
2)Focus on resisting impulses.
3) don't order the thing want to order( the best)
The problem is people usually DON'T have an incentive to ignore their impulses. Because feeding the impulse is usually better than whatever is going on in that person's life. It's a competition. And for some ppl, life often ends up disappointing.
In the end you cannot regret anything and whatever happens happens, because we do not have free will. But you can still influence people and it will help some people.
Yeah he’s talked about that in other videos. The core of addiction treatment is helping addicts find something that is worth suffering for. Quitting an addiction is a sacrifice, but maintaining it is also a sacrifice. You have to find something that is so important that you’re unwilling to sacrifice it for your addiction. Easier said than done, as I haven’t figured it out yet
@@specialknees6798 Addiction is nearly always the reaction of being unable to cope with mental stress or problems. If you fix that, you fix addiction in most cases. But a lot people lack 24/7 emotional support in their life so it's hard not to fall back to old behaviors after or during therapy. This is why people with wife or children or people with a strong social network have way less problems getting rid of depression etc. It's the emotional support.
@@weirdwordcomboyou cannot assert that we do not have free will and that we can influence people to make different choices. Those assertions are inconsistent.
@@TehKarmalizer Influencing is the opposite of free...
Love that story. One of my favorite parts of the Bhagavad Gita. When the armies are lined up in either side of the battle field, conch shells sounding... Hooooo! Powerful stuff
I've been telling people this ever since I overcame some really hard years. I say to them love the pain, learn from the pain, and also learn to avoid creating unnecessary pain. Also, having come out of so much pain, I say every day is the best day of my life, because even pain is better than nothing at all. My best friend recently told me he thinks of me as a monk, and my friends enjoy being around me, so I know I'm on the right track 😄
This is really great advice that I think will be interpreted so very wrong by an astounding amount of Americans. I have to point out that my most destructive impulses are things like: "You don't deserve a day of rest" or "you should do that extra hour of work for free to make that client happy". Self-denial can be another form of addiction that, ironically, will need to be fought with the very same techniques Dr. K is teaching here.
Like, all my pants are falling apart or unsuitable in some way, and I'm stressed about going out and giving myself the "luxury" of clothing that fits and isn't ripped or stained!
I am actually pretty good to ignore impulse to do things. My problem is with impulses to not do things. I struggle to maintain sport habits, since doing it demands a lot more efforts than not doing it.
Same! I am right now struggling with the most basic tasks, it's so easy for me to not do things, I have to fight the impulse to stay still everyday
I have a similar issue. Perhaps seeing the urge to not do things/sit on your butt as an impulse is a good way to go about it. So instead of sitting, do something that isn't too much of a hurdle but isn't sitting. Like, maybe take out the trash, or pick something off the floor. Anything. Even if it only takes a minute, but you CHOSE to do it.
@@glauciamsq do you have adhd or any other diagnosis? I was recently diagnosed with adhd at 20 and i had those issues but once I was prescribed adderall xr my life changed and I felt like I had real tangible autonomy and could make decisions that benefit myself
@@cantcatchcarson1277no. Most people are just lazy. Speaking from personal experience.
@@deiopedit's not so much that they're "lazy" but unguided and undisciplined, and without a clear goal/purpose. people don't have many set standards and values to uphold unless you're religious or something akin to that.
Oh, Mahabharata! I heard about it (and Arjuna) from my guide in Bali, but after reading a synopsis I thought it was just a classic story about family feud. Turns out there might be much more to it than meets the eye!
Thanks for a splendid, eye-opening video, as always. You're an amazing human being, dr K.
I want to warn many of you to not swing the pendulum too far so to speak:
I did this through my own study and conclusion my first year of college. It worked really well, and as someone deprived of socialization until then I practically got high on being around people (typical extrovert lmao) but after the first year, who I was became threatened because it was nearly a year since I even gave a thought about who I was, and rn am still struggling with progress on rebuilding my sense of identity and reconciling things from the past with family and friends.
So the tip I have is to not silence the inner voice, but learn to let it go in one ear and out the other. Its like zoning out and looking at your phone in a boring convo vs. shutting them up.
Or, i guess, just listen to it, figure out why it wants "this and that" and try to fulfill healthy "quests" and avoid not healthy ones.
@@ZooDSSfirst real life video game? Hell yeah
@@sandshark2 ahah, true!!
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
Dr K is literally saving my whole generation
Something I do from time to time whenever I’m microwaving something is I make a conscious effort to sit still without pulling out my phone or something while microwaving my lunch. I feel like it has helped me
I feel you, like if I go to the washroom, I try not to bring or use my phone
@@spookaychoco2860 that’s a good one too
Something I've noticed in at least some of us who've stopped bad habits, is that we develop almost this fear of things that make us feel good. I guess my problem is the opposite of what you're describing, because I was so fixated on stopping eating too much sugar/carbs, but assumed that I'd magically figure out what I wanted to do with the time and health that freed up.
Yes over controlling leads to the exact same problem. Here it’s fear. The negative emotion is found at the extremes. So one who resists emotions completely becomes controlled by them in another manner, too. You’re feeling an emotion for a reason so it’s more about WHY we feel that way and acting with reason. Avoiding the emotion causes other issues. We can’t be out of control eating whatever. But we if we fear doing what we perceive is the wrong thing constantly we manifest misery for ourselves, too. Contentment is somewhere in the middle. Control yourself and enjoy yourself both.
@@schuylergeery-zink1923 The practice should be more about distancing ourselves from the emotion rather than hiding it or numbing it. Acknowledge the emotion, and don't succumb to it. Let youself feel, but don't act on impulse. That's the stoic way.
The simple act of saying to yourself "resist this impulse" is so powerful. I've had many opportunities to flex this muscle so to speak. Like if there's an itch but for some reason I'm unable to scratch it, I just resist the urge to scratch and somehow it goes away or I'm just able to endure it. I fail at this most of the time but sometimes I'm able to resist the urge to scroll my phone when I wake up or before I go to bed. The more we consciously practice this, the better we become at it.
i have a doubt. in this video dr k talked about ignoring our emotions and impulses so that it just disappears on its own. but in another video, he asked us to embrace our feelings and emotions and let it out in the form of expressing it to someone or journaling and if we suppress it, its gonna cause more trouble in the long run, now im confused. what do i actually do ?
Great advice. I will say though, when I was in treatment and recovery, they emphasized actually replacing some bad impulses with good ones instead of just ignoring them completely 100% of the time. Helped me
Nice to hear an interpretation of Krishna and Arjun's conversation that didn't boil down to "join the Hare Krishnas." ISKCON did SO much damage to me. It's nice to see the real yoga and real lessons come through.
This week I have been learning this lesson the hard way. I really appreciate the timing of this video to help me distill the lesson into something that is easier to understand.
Love this. Love that someone brings to the forefront the fact that RESISTANCE is overlooked while action is glorified.
Since you mentioned the Stoics there is a quote here that is very relevant from Epictetus (one of the three main sources of Stoicism as we know it, and the most philosophical one). Here Epictetus outlines his whole philosophy and Stoicism itself into three words: Resist and Persist. Speaking directly to what Dr. K is saying.
According to Favorinus, Epictetus would also say that there were two vices much blacker and more serious than the rest: lack of persistence and lack of self-control. The former means we cannot bear or endure hardships that we have to endure, the latter means that we cannot resist pleasures or other things we ought to resist. ‘Two words,’ he says, ‘should be committed to memory and obeyed by alternately exhorting and restraining ourselves, words that will ensure we lead a mainly blameless and untroubled life.’ These two words, he used to say, were ‘persist and resist’.
So I thought I have a pretty strong will, I was able to stop smoking (just had 9 year anniversary), snap out of the Diablo addiction, change career mid-life, save money etc. But this is another level 🤩
Shit i just got addicted to diablo lool
@@encapsule2220 Lol gl 🤣 It cost me a lot but it is a great game. I am wary to play 4 but 2 was definitely by far the best game of my life.
I have started meditating to strengthen this. I find a comfortable position then I don’t move anything except breathing. I count 100 slow breaths.
If my nose itches I acknowledge that but don’t move at all. If my foot becomes uncomfortable I acknowledge that but don’t move or adjust it. Most things actually go away in 10 breaths.
I have found it much easier to ignore phone alerts after doing this.
its hard with BPD, doing nothing means feeling like shit from not distracting myself.
BPD + adhd makes this very hard. I think that safe ways of distraction are not a bad thing, mindfulness helps us not do harmful things to ourselves out of emotional impulse. If you have the urge to SH for example, there are other ways to snap you out of it until you can safely assess your emotions. DBT therapy is pretty helpful in that regard.
@@mekabare it seems like i watched it weeks ago, and it's been 3/4h, my mother told me that i am a problem of all family drama 5 minutes aftet ive watched this video. my friend's been taking care of me for last 2h and i feel like shit, i've got so many new cuts on me its been really hard last 2 weeks and i guess im just venting here. i want to say sorry that i exist but really im venting and screaming for help
on the internet where i cant hurt my irl friends
I’ve watched 100 of these and not changed or improved one bit. Most people watching will always be stuck like me.
The videos are instructions, you still have to do the work yourself.
Thank you so much. I was just thinking "mind over matter, mind over matter" regarding some of my urges. Such good timing.
Self as context and cognitive diffusion helps this process. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy has Really helped me
Something I always tell the people I'm trying to help: The first step to getting better is to stop getting worse
this video answers the question i’ve been asking in therapy for the last 7 years. Thank you Dr. K 🙏🏼
Thank you Dr. K for the information you provide. I can say for sure the information you put out and practices have changed me forever in a positive way.
Im working on myself to quit psychological addiction to some bad things.
This video is priseless for me rn, im getting all the info i can to understand how to control incrediby strong desire to doing something i shouldnt. When i'll solve my problems, i'll donate to Dr K, im sure hes helping a lot of people, how to understand yourself and how to resolute internal conflicts
Great timing, really shows how refined the tools for hgg being intune with its community needs are as always see comments like this. Well done and very validating to know others struggle with this too
best short summary of Bhagavad Gita put into modern life perspective
I was rehearsing lyrics at 150% speed and when I clicked on this video I thought Dr. K was going insane
Trying to overcome my sugar cravings as a diabetic. Will try choosing my second or third choice for food. Thanks for introducing the concept and giving a great explanation of it.
On the bridezilla thing, i wonfer if there's a correlation between wanting the "perfect wedding" and some underlying/subconscious dissatisfaction with the relationship that leads to the early divorce. Maybe they're trying to craft a really memorable and picture perfect wedding to overshadow and block out the unhappiness inside, tricking themselves into remembering it fondly instead of as something they regret
That's a great theory.
Personally I think it’s a social trap. Societal pressure to be in a relationship and get married. Some people literally are afraid of being single and so they bounce from relationship to relationship their entire teenage and adult lives. They get married because that’s just what you do when you date someone for a certain amount of time and you’re both a certain age, as opposed to getting married because they’re truly determined to grow together as loving partners. The wedding is a fantasy, an opportunity to show off, conspicuous consumption, peer pressure, and societal pressure all rolled into one. Lots of fun when the couple are genuinely in love and focused on having a good time and celebrating. Awful otherwise.
Women are also usually expected to do most of the work during weddings and it gets to their head. Easy to get frantic and obsessive when it's something instilled in you from decades of TV and movies.
How many men get emotionally invested in their own weddings? Hardly any. Honestly it should be a courthouse wedding and an BOMB honeymoon because weddings always seemed like a spectacle to me.
I wonder if it's one of those correlation not causation stats tbh - like rich people can afford fancy weddings and can also more easily afford divorces.
I’ve been scared of bridezillas. My fiancé is more into the details that would go into our future wedding than I am. I told him I trust his judgment and aesthetics. The things I am personally interested in are my wedding dress, rings & bouquet. Because the photos will decorate our house, etc. 💙
Something I learnt by myself by experience and pain, thank you for the reminder man.
I blocked all shit that that my phone had, games, reels on instagram, porn.
Blocked all I had on my computer and simply work in myself, study, workout, and go out with friends until I get healthy.
It's hard incially but feels good.
Stoicism is just peak tier emocional management, it should exist and be learnt at school! Meditation and reading(kindle or book) also peak tier
I find this too simplistic. Ignoring ourselves is also how we neglect ourselves, it's how we stay in unfulfilling or even dangerous relationships. I feel like Dr. K even caught this himself when he talked about "I'm so lonely" and how listening to that emotion keeps the thoughts in your head when you go to a party. Listening to the emotion is what takes you to the party. Emotions aren't to be ignored, it's about discernment. Otherwise "I'm lonely, and I'll do nothing about it." "I'm in pain, but I'll ignore the pain."
One thought helps you be productive and the other only causes tension
Ignoring myself lead to destroying my health from pushing through, which was ingrained over a lifetime of being gaslit and having my needs ridiculed and dismissed.
I'm just done with life. There's no step I can make to improve it anymore, there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
Yes, this! Also it would be great to follow this up with the opposite; how to stop ignoring yourself (paying attention to what your body is saying)
When an emotion or impulse arises within us, waiting it out allows the mind to return to homeostasis.
The suffering I experience in life is caused by acting on my emotions instead of refraining from reacting to them.
Resisting impulses is the foundation of taking the right actions.
Making the right decision requires two cognitive tasks: first, resisting the impulse urging you to make a poor decision, and second, committing to the correct decision.
It is important not only to focus on making the right decision but also on avoiding the wrong one.
Techniques for resisting impulses:
1. Be aware and pay attention to the consequences of giving in to impulses.
2. How to develop the skill of resisting impulses? Meditation-particularly trataka meditation-is highly effective.
3. When you go to a restaurant, avoid ordering the best option on the menu. Practice resisting temptation by choosing something lower on the list.
A few years ago I just could not stop eating fast food and especially bags of chips with lots of sugary sodas. Instead of directly forbidding myself from craving I have developed a mechanism where I tell myself "nah I dont really feel like that now" to ignore the crave. It does not always work and sometimes I just give in - the key is not strictly forbidding yourself something but to presuade yourself you really don't want to at this time.
That's also how I do it. Strictly forbidding myself things would make me have a growing urge that I wouldn't be able to fight after approximately three days. Instead, if I tell myself: "No, it's okay. You can go buy a coke if you want to," then the fight is immediately over. Since I gave myself general permission I don't have to act fast on it and just can buy it "later". But later the impulse will be gone.
Thanks I'm using this technique to ignore my desire to improve my grades and do my homework to focus on gaming and wasting my time 🔥🔥🔥🔥
needed this like you have no idea. genuinely
And now the video about doing the things that you have to do!!!! This is a MUST after this brilliant video about ignoring/resisting impulses (What you want/desires).
At 7:16 I got a AD break about online sports gambeling, I gues UA-cam really wanted to see if I can resist the impulse 😂
You make it sound so easy, or as if I won't eventually completely crumble and ravenously cave into that thing I wanted for so long, but didn't get because I suppressed my impulse.
I have near 0 impulse control, telling myself no actually feels overwhelming and extremely upset in the moment.1 weird tip I use is telling myself "yes I'm going to (insert behaviour)" , then use my physical body to do something else "on the sly". It's been extremely helpful, hopefully that'll help somebody!
????
I'm sorry, but I didn't really understood
Telling yourself to do you'll do one thing, but then not doing it.
Another thing you could is saying, "Meh, I'll do it tomorrow."
@@cferracini I think for some people if they tell themselves to do something they don't want to do it creates internal resistance. Like a parent telling you to do the washing up when you were about to do it anyway.
They're saying that internally they tell themselves that they can do the fun/bad thing so they don't create this resistance, but then they actually go ahead and do the less fun/good thing anyway. That's what I understood at least.
@@SolarJakee Precisely this! Thank you
I've discover this recently with my phone, the more i resist the impulse of browsing social media, the more in control i feel. I even attempt to delete de app from the phone to not being able to enter the app, but this result in a diminished feel of control. Same happen when i have to let my masculine desires out. I began to ignore the desires to masturbate daily and take a weekend to weekend approach where only the sundays I allow to myself to do it. Its hard, and I fail often, specially with food, but when i achieve to control the impulse, man thats wonderful. Doctor here putting this in words is another level of understanding that helps me to being more in control. lots of things to learn. Thank you doctor!
The story of Arjun is one of the most terrifying stories of betrayal of your loved ones I have ever heard in my life.
You are quite literally the best thing that has ever happened to me
An odd thing I started doing is I've started to let mosquitoes bite me, sometimes. I started doing it because I didn't like that I was killing something for no reason other than it annoyed me, but I kept doing it because it's really fascinating to feel a very strong impulse to swat it, but then do nothing about it. And then I would have a mosquito bite and I would have to continue to resist the impulse to scratch it. It's pretty interesting. Don't try it if you're really allergic to their bites, though. Or if you're in an area where they carry disease often.
That is really interesting! I've been trying really hard to improve my self-control recently and I have a very deep seated habit of picking at or chewing my fingers, and I've gotten to the point where most of the time I'm consciously able to stop myself if I notice myself doing it. The problem is the subconscious, since I'm so used to doing it as my 'fidget' so idk what to do to catch myself when I'm literally doing it without thinking. In general, it's been helpful trying to focus on it and not let myself fold when I really wanna mess with them
@@Shmethan was biting my nails when i read this comment... lol
I've been listening to the book overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts and it's been really helpful 🙌
I hope someday you make a video about limerance and how to overcome it. Thanks for your great content Dr.
What I do is seeing impulses as a treat.
I allow myself cheat meals, but only once a week, I allow myself to drink a bubble tea, but only if I walk the distance to it...
It actually makes the experience more rewarding, like "I ate meat today, and it means I didn't for a week ! I'm proud of myself for lowering my carbon footprint"
It's like paying the price first, so future me can have the treat. I pride myself when I self-sacrifice, and then I can pride myself again for having done it, instead of shaming myself for giving in.
The more I watch you the more I see the broken parts of myself. The amount of things wrong scares me. On the plus side I'm on the path of fixing what I can
try to keep in mind you currently have a focus on what is 'wrong' with you (watching videos on selfimprovement and all) and not what is right. It becomes even more noticable when you combine that with humans tendency to focus on the negative. As a weird example when you try to find 10 flaws in two pictures all you focus is on the flaws and how obvious they are once you have noticed them, however the pictures ARE nearly identical we are just not noticing the similarities - in other words you are likely forgetting some of your many good traits because you are focusing on your problemmatic ones.
I have the same problem and i feel seeing yourself objectively comparatively to others would be helpful to most peoples self-impressions. (imo the problem with comparing yourself to others is that it's not objective at all and it is impossible not to be subjective. Like if you don't feel accomplished you will notice everyone who is accomplished and focus on that. If you have anger issues you will focus on someone very chill and feel like the hulk in coparison.)
Anyway i hope this helps and also keep in mind that you are likely completely unaware of your greatest strenghts because they have never been a problem for you so there has never been a reason for you to think about them nor analyse them.
Have a nice day =D
and plz excuse any grammar/spelling/typos :P
@@amyamy8177 thanks I really needed to hear that, I have a habit of comparing myself to everyone since I grew up being compared to other kids. Constantly being told about how better this guy is than me etv
@@pencilcase8068yeah comparison is genuinely imo one of the most harmful mindsets, like I know it's hard to avoid w how our society works but it's just not worth your time, it won't give realistic benchmarks since it's not like we actually know what other people's lives are like, and like the person above me said we're realistically just gonna compare the negative parts of ourselves since perhaps that's how we were conditioned by critical parents or whatever else. I'd definitely reccomend telling yourself that you're not in the same circumstances as other folks, so you don't need to try to measure yourself against them. You really are doing well, I think things will get even better from here on for you :)
I think we are all broken in some ways, I just think the people who are happier have either worked on their issues to a point where its bearable, or they tend not to fixate on their shortcomings
I found that the worst impulse I have now is the constant desire to be on my phone. I finally signed up for service on my apple watch and I don't really touch my phone when I'm at home. My screen time went from 4-6 hours a day to 20-30 minutes. I use my laptop quite a bit though which is something I'm trying to cut back on. Work is work.
Hey dr K! Thank you and your team for the effort, wisdom and knowledge you bring bring!
It would be fantastic if you share some more tips and tricks on parenting and those gamified exercises you play with your kids! ❤ 10:16
This really helps so much.
I never thought my eczema growing up would've had such a large effect on me growing up. But I always gave in and itched the rash every chance I got, and it really shows in my impulse control now.
There are a lot of things I try to keep tabs on in my mind, but I get the feeling this one specifically might domino into helping me grapple with many reactionary emotions I experience on a daily basis, which inevitable end with me engaging in the same undesired behaviors. Another incredibly helpful video!
Also if i may, you should increase the contrast a tiny bit on your footage, it looks sliiightly washed out
Meditation is a really powerful practice and if you do it over time it really makes you more relaxed, opened and kind. Just keep it going and over few weeks one may see a result, and when the result comes - just keep it going further.
I would also consider to do a guided yoga nidra meditation when going to sleep. It helps to relax all the body and relieve from stress and worries.
Respond instead of React.
Give yourself the time to intellectually respond to a situation, instead of immediately reacting emotionally.
We were trained since infancy, throughout school and life to react.
It takes alot of discipline and mental work to change the bad habit of reaction and retrain our brains, to think it out, in order to get the results we desire.
It sucks to be put in a survival state every time we face adversity. it creates worse problems and hinders our ability to work under pressure.
I didn't know that as simple as "ignoring yourself" can be really effective for conquering addictions and it's something that I needed for years. Thank you dr. K ❤
Krishna and Arjun is now like a bedtime story for me :-) It's not lost on me that all Arjun's family, teachers, and friends are on the other side. It's the battle of losing what you thought was your identity.
Arjun: "Krisha, I don't want to kill my friends and family. I don't think this is a good idea"
Krishna: "I know what you really need. IMPULSE CONTROL" lmao
It is a horror story for me.
Good video but I think it needs to specify the differencing between numbing yourself to an impulse vs not acting on an impulse. The best way to gain control over your life while getting mental benefits is to completely feel your impulses and emotions and still be able to not act on them. A lot of discourse around Stoicism leans towards numbing yourself which just causes the problems to simmer and boil over eventually. A lot of discourse in psychology is about avoiding emotional suppression which can be lumped in with listening to impulses. Both sides miss half the picture. You must both be unsuppressed and Stoic in the face of your unsuppressed self. That is how you can truly choose the life you lead.
Focused point meditation (as well as the "look at a wall for 30 minutes") is impossible for me, as I get so bored I start falling asleep. I do not get distracted, but I can feel my eyes closing, and I cannot combat it.
You don't necessarily need to start at 30 minutes or even fixed-point meditation, it's all about finding what works best for you and what you can manage :^) you could start with 10 or even 5 minutes with something that makes sense for the kind of person you are.
i don't know much about fixed point gazing (I'm interested to learn more), but perhaps you could gaze at a fixed point while standing on a swing in a playground, or sitting on a windy cliffside, or even just sitting on a sofa armrest so that you're not so stable?
For me, one of my eyes is slightly lazy and one of them starts to drift which results in everything blurring and me seeing double. This only happens when I completely zone out and stare into space or while trying to focus my vision on one spot, I can move it around every 5-10 seconds to make the eye strop drifting but I don't know if I'm still doing the mental exercise properly at that point.
choose something else to focus on. if everything makes you fall asleep then choose something that requires some focus like balancing
Always appreciate the insight from this channel. Also thanks for showing more stuff on Hinduism, always wanted to learn more about it but it is a little difficult to digest (for me)
Love the gita knowledge drop. Ive been reading the Mahabharat for a while now and its such a complex, entertaining and profound book. Its like a deep dive into brilliant minds of the past and their wonderful knowledge.
It's basically just an ancient comic book
@@Vanity0666 what you mean by that?
@@diegoperezsommariva2509 I mean the mahabharata is a giant comic book, like most epics
@@Vanity0666 but how can it be a comic book if it has no pictures in it? I dont think comic its is literary genre.
@@diegoperezsommariva2509 people created visual art from scenes depicted in the scripture, just like how comics are written today
My dad got this one down tona science. If only I could ignore myself as well as he did.. but I can't ask for advice because well he's a pro.
But the question then is, what do you do? Like if you're supposed to not go after your desires and stuff, what do you do. The reason why I "should" eat the salad over the burger is just another concept and idea or not? Or with video games when do I allow myself to play them and when should I resist?
maybe choose to do something entirely different without having a desire, or just wait til the desire is gone so the practice is complete then do whatever you want. and i guess you don't need to resist every desire ever, you just need to build a regular practice. the goal is to build distance between having desires and deciding to fulfill them
Im realizing this is one way meditation works for me
When I was highly and actively suicidal, being able to do nothing was a battle won. I think that helped me put into perspective that resisting dangerous or "wrong" choices is in itself hard and valuable.
Great video. Obviously I don't expect Dr. K to reply, but would be wonderful if someone who has insight on this topic could help my understanding of one point: The thing that confuses me about this sort of stoic approach to life is - where does joy factor into things? Or doing things that give joy? Am I confounding joy with temporary pleasure? But isn't joy inherently fleeting? But isn't it important to experience joy from time to time? I want to increase my joy, but it seems to lead to these attachments and inability to abstain, which increases suffering...I'm clearly not thinking of things correctly, but can't seem to figure out why it's not adding up for me, and would love to better make sense of this.
this is not just "resisting the impulse"
but
rewiring the rewarding system with the mystery outcome that is unusual or unknown 🧠
such eye opening approach! I see how this will be constructive in so many ways, thank you!
Wow. I am posting this comment before watching the video, and this morning I thought to myself, “meditating is basically learning how to ignore your own thoughts.”
In my opinion "ignoring yourself" is poorly phrased. I mean, are we supposed to ignore *any* impulse? Is it assumed we only have stupid desires and impulses? It seems like we are rather talking only about *poor* impulses, that lead to bad results, and that should be ignored. It's just that's not really mentioned in this video.
it's interesting to think that we tend to focus on getting good outcomes instead of solving every part of the problem, which doesn't solve the problem. imagine you're trying to be productive and you think it's a waste of time, but you try creating the habit of doing things that feel like a waste of time. that approach won't work well because the thought that it's a waste of time and its implications will still be in your head, creating resistance, so you'll be essentially conditioning yourself to spend energy on fighting the resistance every time instead of getting rid of the resistance. it's so important to understand that
Me - on painkillers, because there is no other way to get rid of pain that prevents me from work.
Doc: "Ignore yourself!"
Me: 👀
Under stress I find that I tend to vacillate between the two extremes: either completely ignoring myself to the point of missing important physical or emotional cues reminding me to attend to my basic needs, or sucked into the impulse gratifying zone.
I suspect this is a fairly common phenomenon. Obviously willpower can be strengthened, but it will eventually run out if you push too hard. It’s a tough balancing act. But I think it is important to understand that “ignoring yourself” in this context is like ignoring your kid whining for candy in the grocery store - not forgetting to feed them dinner.
I’m completely done with psychiatry as a field.
trying to quit a certain addiction (don’t feel comfortable to say) right now, gonna try my hardest to apply this; wish me luck!
My nama jeff
have you seen chef?
THIS! I needed exactly this, right now. I've been listening to that chattering monkey, ignoring a lesson I learned decades ago: "Despair is a lie", since my best pal/neighbor left the planet a few months ago. I'll be coming back to this lesson often in the next couple of months, as I move toward making my current situation a dim memory. Thank, Dr K.
That speech helped me to understand that I am already able to resist some of my impulses, and also how I am doing it. Thanks Dr K
No resisting, No avoiding, only ignoring or witnessing the thoughts/emotions
I read the gita lol and I somehow misunderstood this point. I really appreciate you helping break down the two components here because now I can actually focus on breaking the pull of desires while also respecting my inner child. I already tried the extreme goal oriented version but its really hard. The ego lashes out and starts producing resentment etc... But recently I've started doing just what you're suggesting without really knowing it. The moment I waste time on something unproductive and unenjoyable I make a note and/or try to stop myself.