I really do appreciate this approach of "Try this out and if it doesn't work, let me know and let's try something else." A lot of channels will commit to the bit as if it's the final answer to solve our problems but Dr. K really gives the sense that he's going on the journey of finding what works for you with you.
Me too! With a framing like this you avoid self-blaming if it does not work out and you show a constant support on indeed an implied longer journey. Very sweet :)
Thats a HUGE point in favour of his approach in my mind. Anything else gives you the feeling of failure if certain approaches that are hammered home in other mental health videos and then people just... well stop looking.
A lot of people have this sort of attitude in general and it really pisses me off! To the point to which they give you the same advice/instructions after you explain how it doesn't work as if they didn't listen/read what you said at all, and then at some point give uo with something like "you must be doing something wrong, this has to work"
Isn't SAD Seasonal Affective Disorder aka clinical seasonal depression? I've never heard it as an official acronym for social anxiety disorder. I was just asking. Maybe it is the official acronym for both. I'm just. This is new to me. And probably less common than GAD for people to discuss using the acronym.
@@VioletEmerald Yes, I think ur right, I'm diagnosed with GAD and that's all, never heard in psychiatrist room about someone having social anxiety disorder, even tho, I did have some symptoms.
I've found that the analytical overdrive gets overclocked if I'm high in a social setting. It's can be useful if it isn't paired with anxiety, since I'm able to notice more subtle things related to body language. But maybe it's just contributing to the social anxiety
I think the hardest part is when you develop that thought of, "do I actually want to connect with anyone here? is it really worth it?" you get to a point where you lose interest in other people as a defense mechanism
Me right now. I don't want to connect with others but I want to, want to. :( It's the worst feeling of hopelessness ever. Because I actually have a genuinely amazing willpower, anything that I set my mind to and and truly want, I accomplish. It's no factor actually. But I don't know if I actually want connections with others, so I can't use my positive trait i have to get better. 😕
@@sweetestaphrodite sort of like Holden Caulfield. I straddled that line when I was much younger, but thankfully corrected that way of thinking. Now I struggle with the energy to be present, irrationally feeling like I have enough personality types figured out that I feel like I'm wasting time and energy 'getting to know' people. I can look around the room and fill-in-the-blanks myself, so to speak.
I figured that too, I said I have to go out and face whatever scares me, but now I find out that I lost many of my friends because of the attitude of being silent and not interesting to people, so even if I decide to face it and go outside, I find it so awkward to go there alone... imagine going to party alone, that's scares me more and people will look at you as weird person.
i have been daring myself to go into those social situations for YEARS. though i always do what my anxiety tells me not to do, i still have very harmful physical reactions even towards the mere thought of doing something in public. even something like meeting up with friends. last week i went to a friend's party, i knew everyone there and yet i still stood over the toilet puking from stress for 30 minutes before going to their house. it doesn't matter how much you'll commit to push yourself out of your comfort zone, your body will act on its own.
@@PLAYSTATlON3DS perhaps, in that case, its something within? I am no expert, but if youve done a lot of social exposure and things dont seem to get better, it might be a trauma having its own effect on you? Something long buried in your unconcsiousness which comes to the surface every time youre in a social situation.
Nope, doesn’t work. I tried many things, i played even trumpet in front of 200 people… but when you stop doing challenges. You get back to baseline… bin there don that.
Social anxiety has ruined my life in a lot of ways. l grew up with selective mutism. it's a severe form of anxiety disorder where you're unable to speak in certain settings like school. l know that the anxiety is irrational but it is very real in my mind. it is like having all the equipment necessary to produce sound but words refuse to come out. İn addition to that, l couldn't drink, eat, go to the bathroom or even bring myself to leave my desk during recess if there were other people around. Obvsiouly that put a big target sign on my back for others to bully me. There would be times when i would just cry and ask myself why i was unable to speak. l seriously felt like something was wrong with me. l was anxious, odd and mute. All the bullying l had to endure for several years took a huge toll on my soul/mind. Two years ago, l strated university and realized things didn't change much and i was still quite frustrated, lonely and anxious. A typical day at university was just me sitting through the whole lecture and going back home without uttering a single word to anyone. So last year l decided i'd go see a psychiatrist. l got diagnosed with dysthymia, a milder but long-lasting type of depression. They gave me some meds and put me on cognitive behavioral therapy. l never took the meds for personal reasons even though i should have. Now l'm 22 years old, still very young but l'm extremely skinny, got a couple of bad teeth and losing my hair. l live with my parents so the only in-person contact i get is with my parents. l've stopped taking care of myself. l'm usually paranoid, nervous and angry around people. l'm a bitter and envious person. l have no friends or even acquaintances. l feel hopeless and rejected by the whole world. l'm pretty much used to spending my days sitting at a computer. l'm unable to function in social situations. This doesn't come from a defeatist mindset. l still have good days here and there and those are worth living for in my opinion. l still have a lot more to say, things that i left out but it'd take me an hour to mention all the ways in which i've struggled with anxiety. l feel very deeply for anyone who has to deal with this condition that shrinks your entire universe. The only thing i know is that life goes on and we are here to enjoy it with the hand we were dealt.
I feel for you, im going through something similar. No matter how much i want to talk to someone i can’t get the words out of my mouth and when i force them out my voice shakes uncontrollably. I feel so completely alone, no matter how much i want to reach out some days i just dont think i could explain whats going on with me. Right now im starving myself because i think being extremely skinny will boost my confidence and maybe then i can go outside and talk to people again lmao.
Thankyou for sharing your story on here, I’m 21 and I’ve had to suffer a lot through the hand I was dealt to, my problems are a lot different then yours but I often get anxious and quiet to, I’ve always been easy to step on so anybody feeling malicious one day wouldn’t mind using their words to hurt me, I think maby that’s why I started to withdraw and become a lot more quiet but anyway I’ve had a medical condition that would make me give off a bad smell whenever I would eat a chemical found in most food and even though I’ve been to the doctor multiple times they only really started helping me at all when I turned 20 but anyway what I’m trying to say I know how it feels to be in a lose lose situation like that, people don’t understand your pain so they start looking down on you and they can’t actually see how much of a fighter you really are because they can’t really relate, but I hope you get put into a situation where it’s easy to get close to the people around you, take care of yourself even when it feels like it doesn’t matter, find ways to be creative and excersise and stay strong..
it's awesome that you're able to identify and understand yourself like this, that is not easy at all as well as what you're going through. you're on the right path man, just be patient with yourself and know that you will always be a lot more capable and stronger than you think. hugs from the end of the world, argentina!
My mother dealt with social anxiety for many, many years. She is now the most socially adept person I know, and I learned to overcome my social anxiety by learning from her. And she does exactly everything you just said to do, to the letter. Can confirm it works
@@H3c171 you sure it doesn't? I used to think it doesn't work, but then I realized that it does work, just not as much as I would consider to be a success :D it's like, if you need a breakpoint for it to "work", you may not realize the slow and steady changes, like a frog not realizing it's being boiled in hot water, but in a more positive way.
@@riveteye93 I for my part don't have the mental social anxiety part much, but extreme physical anxiety that doesn't go away no matter what. Meds, therapy, exposure etc. didn't work, even in a clinic/facility and the little bit it did, it came back immediately outside of it all. Same for my brother D: In my case, it's likely caused by my ADHD (which also contributed a lot to getting the SA). Most people sadly need meds and for some, with those, it disappeared completely. So I hope others will explore other alternatives as well if needed (rather than waste and lose 10-20 years to SA like I did) x-x
@@H3c171 here’s the thing, the content in the video isn’t about you, but it’s how you connect to the world outside of yourself to have it reflect an image that counteracts the negative inner self chatter
Social anxiety has taken over my life. It has sent me into isolation for the past 3 years I haven't had a single friend. I'm 30 years old and I feel like I completely forgot how to have a conversation with anyone without feeling like a burden to people. The only time I speak to anyone is if they approach me first. I cannot bring myself to approach anyone.
I isolated myself for longer. Two things helped me get out: training not caring about what others think and finding online someone that cared about me.
My situation with social anxiety is summed up like this: -Past experiences with adhd had led me to be mocked or ridiculed for being “social” so my brain/body is VERY hesitant to speak -I’m a very quiet person and I don’t want to talk 80% of the time so when I’m put in a situation where I’m forced to I’m thrown off or not in the mood -I have adhd and think too much given most situations. For example you say hi and automatically my brain thinks of 5 different responses and given only a millisecond I have to choose so it comes out jumbled “hi-ey, how’s you doin toonigh-day-“🤦🏾♂️ -I have very little experience in life being a loner all my life so when people ask about my experiences I don’t have any Whenever I talk about myself I sweat if it’s “personal” so it’s hard to put myself out there. Overall my problem is that I struggle with my past, my adhd and my uninteresting personality and this manifests into social anxiety.
You aren't uninteresting. You have experiences. Media just doesn't like to make your experiences look good. Naruto was a loner and only was worth talking to after gaining status and power. Nobody talked to the loner Naruto. This data and any other media I consumed instead of socializing is what makes me feel ashamed of my past experiences and current personality. As I started to accept my past it became easier to talk about it. And even if my past experiences are lacking, I can still make new experiences, and talk about what I want to do in the future
Exactly the same with me, exactly. Been mocked by my own mother about it and since I'm so used to her losing interest right away with me; when I'm speaking with people I have the terrible habit of trying to speak super fast so I can get what I wanna say out before the person loses interest and gets fed up. I just stay quiet now too, though I wanna figure it out and be normal I guess? idk...
I bet you have a wicked sense of humor you don't even know about yet. Do you ever tell yourself jokes in your head and just bust out laughing? And everyone around you looks at you like you're some kind of freak? That's me. I would love to pick your brain. I bet you're really fun to hang out with. Straight up, like, 90% of all stand-up comedians have your same backstory.
Yeah I'm the same way too. I was the main class clown at grades 3-7, and they transferred me to a class that had been together for half their lives. They were good people but I saw it as punishment and thought fuck it, I'm not gonna talk to these guys. After a month or so I kinda wanted to start hanging out with them but it felt weird to become social just out of the blue. So I just listened for 2 years lmao. I still don't speak unless spoken to in groups of 5+ and it's been 20 years or so.
See how does knowing you’re “not alone” help in any way? I genuinely would like to know. People have told me that my whole life, “you’re not the only one suffering” “you’re not alone” “tons of other people feel the same as you” Like how does knowing that change anything about my situation?
@@AwsOm3Fac3It doesn't change your situation but there is a sense of comraderie knowing other people are fighting the same struggles, and that other people have managed to break out of it proving it is possible
It’s difficult to overcome social anxiety through recognising body language and social cues when you have a deep-seated idea that no one likes you and there is something fundamentally wrong with you, which ultimately results in any positive signals being interpreted as negative. A really difficult cycle to break, because those thoughts cause you to close off, which pushes people away and reinforces the belief that they never liked you in the first place.
You need to start loving yourself, loving yourself more than others ever could. Because it doesn’t matter whether someone likes you or not. Thinking that there is something wrong with you is a trauma from childhood. There is actually nothing wrong with you😊
@@3zooz17 "start loving yourself" is probably the most annoying and useless advice ive ever heard, how is someone who hates everything about themselves supposed to just flip that. nobody ever says how, might aswell say "be better".
About "theorycrafting in a game you've never played": I think social anxiety manifests when you tried to play the game (after all that game is mandatory in our society) and you lost most of the 'engagements' - you encountered indifference, rejection or bullying. So we fell compelled to theorycraft based on that data. I'm socially anxious almost exclusively when it comes to making friends, especiallly meeting girls, so SA is coupled with the fear of rejection, as I was met with bullying from people I wanted to make friends with when growing up and indifference/rejection when I wanted to talk to girls.
This is an excellent point that needs to get more traction. In my experience when my social anxiety is general these work well enough, but when I get into one of my two semi-specific situations where it's worse they don't cut it. When I am interacting with a direct superior, originally teacher but boss works much the same way, I am looking for the way this person or someone in their chain of authority is going to cause harm, because that's my experience with teachers and bosses. Even if _this_ one is good, go far enough up the chain and one of them _will_ screw either me specifically or the team/site/business/school as a whole. I've simply never known anything else, so it's a defensive reaction to a frankly predictable outcome. When I ask for help I've found it's _far_ more likely for whatever someone says they will do to not happen. Tutors don't show, contractors cancel, doctors (especially therapists) leave the practice or state after just a few appointments, the theme goes on. Family and friends are better but still not reliable, so I always have to plan for what is the fail condition if this person doesn't keep their word. It's again a defensive reaction to my experience of people being utterly unreliable.
I have no doubt that is the case for some people, but it may be a good idea to revisit your social experiences with a critical eye. Today I understand that many of my negative social experiences have happened in my head only. Basically sometimes I fabricated scenarios of embarrassment and rejection in my mind based on a minimal or non-existent social cue.
Yeah, I think this video is only part of the solution. It might help someone in the moment, but people who have a fear response because of trauma are going to need to do more to work through that trauma. They might also need to learn to interact in a more "acceptable" way that doesn't lead to rejection or disdain
Last few years I've been pushing through my social anxiety with brute force, which works but it's very mentally exhausting. I feel proud for pushing and doing the socialization I do but it's a constant war inside my mind the whole time so I end up not having a good time as I could. Will definitely make a shift to this 'shutting down' kind of approach, it looks far more sustainable. Thanks Dr. K!
Urge to clean ourselves stem from toxic shame and trauma. It is a constant feeling that we are contaminated by bad people and bad events - and that we must focus on cleaning ourselves from imaginary shame and guilt that spring up due to exposure to alcoholic abuse while growing up.
I have struggled with mental illness and my mental health since I was a kid. Before I even knew what those terms were. After years of depression, anxiety, and even an attempt to take my life, I never thought I would be able to live without SSRI medications. I clung to them because it was the only thing that made my mind quiet, but it also made me a zombie. Microdosing has given me control of my mental health for the first time, and they essentially gave me my life back.
I’ve been researching on psychedelics and it’s benefits to individuals dealing with Anxiety, Depression, ADHD and from my findings, they really work and I’ve been eager to get some for a while but its been difficult to get my hands on them.
The Trips I've been having really helped me a lot. I’m now able to meditate and I finally feel in control of my emotions and my future and things that used to be mundane to me now seem incredible and full of nuance on top of that I'm way less driven by my ego and I have alot more empathy as well
@ohmakure4716 I feel the same way too. I put too much on my plate and it definitely affects my stress and anxiety levels. I am also glad to be a part of this community.
That fake creepy smile at the end had me cracking up. I think part of my problem is that I never REMEMBER this stuff when I'm in the moment. There'll be times, when I'm walking somewhere and I'm nervous that everyone is staring at me (which of course they're not), that I'll tell myself "Head up, shoulders back." But half the time I'm trying to make myself invisible, and I forget everything I just learned. This is especially true for techniques when my emotions are completely overwhelmed.
" I forget everything I just learned" Yes" You got it! This happens due to emotional dysregulation and amygdala hijacking - our cortex brain goes offline - and we lose access to memory of all advice we heard. There is also Ebbinghaus Forgetting Curve - we will forget with time anything foreign to us. It is foreign to us due to trauma and toxic shame. So it is useless to expose and to listen to advice what we should be doing - since this is not who we are. We need education about toxic shame and trauma - we need to accept ourselves as we are - with panic and fears and anxiety - instead of coveting it up with challenges and facing fears. When we accept ourselves - amygdala hijacking won't happen because there will be no triggers anymore - and we will rely on our brain and personality to resolve solve issues and to make initiations on our own ideas our brain likes and want and needs.
I had severe social anxiety until I went to college. I went into broadcasting, and we were just thrown into it. Just had to get on that mic and sink or swim. I took the midnight-3AM shift because I thought, "no one's listening. I can screw up all I want and no one will hear me, so I'm good," BUT, because the bars closed at 2AM, I ended up hosting every after party in the tri-county area. 😂 People would recognize my voice when I'd go out to eat or something and they'd come up to me and ask me if I was the chick from the radio and I'd get to have some really cool encounters with people I didn't even know. I even got out of a traffic ticket once because all the cops listened to my show too. We're in the middle of nowhere. There's not a lot of crime here. They didn't have anything else to listen to at that hour. My headlight was out, so he pulled me over and asked me why I was out driving at that time. I told him I was coming back from the station and he had me sign a warning slip. He said, "cool! Now I have your autograph," and he sent me away with the promise that I'd get that headlight fixed before the week was out. I accidentally made myself the town rockstar because I was scared to do the one thing I always dreamed of doing. Now, we have UA-cam and I have a stalker who's obsessed with my minor child, so the whole local rockstar game has DEFINITELY changed for me, but I learned a lot from what happened at that radio station and I met a lot of really cool people. You can't practice for this. You really just have to throw yourself into it. And, YES, SMILE. That's a really important thing that I learned too. Even when people can't see you, but they can HEAR you, they can tell when you're smiling. You can HEAR a person smile! That's a real thing! Great video, Dr K, as always! Thank you for posting!
@@Subsistence69 I've made spreading joy my only goal in life, so if you found that entertaining, I reached my goal today. I can clock out now. Sweet. Who else isn't working after noon today? Anyone wanna form a social anxiety club and pretend like anyone's actually gonna show up? 😂
wow that sounds like a plot from a movie. i love it :) didnt even know something like this really still exists, since im from germany and never heard of a radio station like that.
I can confirm this is correct! Thinking about it beforehand does not help And usually makes it worse. It's like going swimming in cold water, Trying to ease into it drags the uncomfortableness out longer. You have to jump in. Itll be jarring at first but you WILL acclimate....Same thing for social situations, you'll feel extra awkward initially but it passes SO much faster when you just jump in. The more you do it, the easier it gets and If you persist before long you WILL obliterate SA...for good. It's basically self-administered exposure therapy. Also an effective technique for anything else that makes you anxious or fearful. What Dr k is talking about is kind of like somatic therapy, And actually it helps that much more to integrate both of these together.. The thing people have to realize is, like many of our issues, there's rarely an instant fix, So it's going to be uncomfortable for little while... But just remember, that's actually okay... Promise!
@@tobik2627 I met someone when I lived in Germany named Tobias Krause. I think that's how he spelled it. That's a fun coincidence. Tobi K. Cool. Yeah, there aren't a lot of radio stations like that one any more. Internet/satellite radio killed the old stations, but it was really cool while it lasted. I know there are still a few that do live broadcasts. Not nearly as many as there used to be. From what I know (not just from living in Germany a LONG time ago, but also from my family), German people are less outspoken than Americans. We're extra loud over here. Maybe even obnoxious. Can't be as much of a firecracker in Germany. Especially not today. I remember Sundays being particularly quiet there, and I know my Oma, no matter how long she lived in the US, would not take out trash or make much noise at all on Sundays. I don't know though. I've seen some of your Fußball crowds get rowdy. Are you an American football fan or do you watch any other sports? Just wondering. I thought it was really cool that the NFL held a game in Germany last year. I didn't know that German people cared at all about American football until recently, but I met a Superfan online a while ago who was from Germany and he definitely loves the sport and everything it's about. Big Vikings fan, that guy. Really cool dude. Anyway, yeah, the radio thing was a fun experience and socializing really is about just getting out there and doing it. If I go for too long without socializing in person, I still get a little bit of anxiety, but I know what works for me is to just jump back into it and keep rolling. 9 times out of 10, I end up being the life of the party, so it's all good. Oh, I DID learn what imposter syndrome is because of all this. 😂 Yep. The struggle is real. Just gotta keep pushing through it.
I actually used to smile whenever I was anxious in college . And like a charm people would smile back whether we were friends or not and made the environment really comfortable for me. It feels wierd to say it now and I was known to be really friendly but I literally smiled more for myself than "to be friendly." It
I just got back from a 7 day trip to a Cancun resort with the guys. All around me, guys and gals were socializing and hooking up. Everyone at the resort club got turnt up every single night, getting on stage and dancing, dancing with all the attractive girls and even taking them back to their rooms. Everyone but me, I never spoke to any girls on the resort, even the ones who showed interest in me. And I never danced at the club, just stood at a corner and watched the whole time. I hate it. I'm now coming back from a vacation full of regret of all the fun and romantic experiences my social anxiety kept me from experiencing
If making eye contact is still too much for some of you there's still something you can do to help yourself in those situations; try looking at the bridge of the nose, or the forehead between the eyes. For years now, this has helped me maintain face-to-face contact with people and feel so much less awkward about it while still showing respect and receiving that visual/empathic feedback.
I'm autistic and have heard this advice a lot, but my issues with eye contact are so bad I can't even look at someone's Face in general if they're looking at me, for any slightly prolonged period of time. rip
have people noticed that at all? usually during eye contact someone's eyes will be switching side to side as we can't really look at both eyes at the same time. so if you're looking at a singular spot between the eyes, it might actually be a little weird for the person on the perceiving end. but that _could_ just be me overthinking it because of my anxiety. the spiral continues lmao
You have to make eye contact in order to overcome the fear that's the only way. Also smiling helps alot defusing the tension for yourself and once you keep doing this it starts to be natural. Just make sure your posture is consistent throughout the day.
important points - humans have an inner voice overthinking situations, and we try to push this down when trying to overcome social anxiety. - we try to fix our social anxiety with logic, analysis, and reassurance, unlike other animals. when we focus on other senses besides our thoughts, it'll disable some of the circuitries causing social anxiety - we look at our phones when we're anxious at a party, so we can't notice the visual socially reassuring signs we need from others. - adrenaline causes more panicked thoughts, so deep breathing with slow exhalations will help with this. + rolling your shoulders back can expand your lungs - making eye contact is scary, but it'll give you visual reassurance instead of leaving your brain to overthink. look at whoever's talking and make brief periods of eye contact. if you're talking to someone one-on-one, you can stand at a 45º angle so you'll be able to switch between turning towards them and looking back at the room - smiling is important because the other person usually smiles back, which can relax you because it reassures you that they like you. you can practice this with cashiers etc. and then use it in social situations. - the main point is that animals can overcome social anxiety and have healthy communities because they use the parts of the brain that we're suppressing by focusing only on our thoughts or our phones. if we just calm ourselves, look at people, and take in the situation, we can see that people like us
I know that people like me but its hard to connect with them when I mind is thinking how should I start a convo hang out with then and stuff eye contact is hard but I'm learning it again
Talking to a stranger everyday even it’s saying hello or just a couple seconds of small talk makes me feel more comfortable in social situations for the rest of the day. The best for me is if I can help someone because not only do you have a good interaction but you are also making their life easier. 👍🏼
I have social anxiety myself. Got this from growing up, abused, and pretty much messed up my self esteem. I still have it to this day and Id be lying if I said it did not affect my life much. It did. But what I do notice is, on the run up to say an event or a party or anything that includes talking to random people. You will be nervous AF. But the moment you start doing it. You just do. In the end of the day you gotta do what you need to do. Still you will feel nervous. You are afraid that people might hate you. Afraid and overthink about what people might think of you. One thing is certain, the moment I get alcohol in my system. I am turn into the most confident person lol. Now in regards to being afraid of what people think of you. Think this way. Every people you meet everyday. Every random person. When they see you. They ofcourse will think and perceive of you. Now cause they do not know YOU. Their perception of you is not "really" you. Its another version of YOU, in their mind. So if you met 1000 random people. It means you have 1000 different versions of you, in each of the 1000 people's heads. Point is. Don’t be nervous of what people think of you. They don't really know you. Just be You.
You’re not the only one feeling like this. But you have to be strong and find something to live for everyday. You can get better with a little work. It’s worth it. I’m still working on it and it’s getting better.
Hey healthy gamer crew Today is the third day in a row i woke up and did the things instead of playing videogames for hours. Without having to force myself. Without feeling like i was killing myself (or wishing I was). Without feeling like i need to cry and sleep for the rest of the day. Keep watching ❤
When I turned 12, I developed a fear of going to public places without my friends. I wasn’t able to make friends easily, even though I used to be extroverted. This helped a lot, thanks! ❤
This is like a list of my coping strategies over decades lol, still anxious. I mean it helps but not a whole lot, enough to keep me there and not wanting to run away but still massively anxious. Like eye contact will always feel like it’s putting a target on your back, but once you calmed down you might be able to not just react to the fear like at the start when you’re super worked up. Confident posture, deep breaths, being present and focusing on senses and observation etc, it’s all the stuff I do to feel calmer and not have a panic attack in a social place but it has its limits, anyone suddenly drawing attention to you for example will still set off another spike each time that feels like a bear is about to slash your face off or you’re being held down and can’t move etc that PANIC feel. It was fascinating to learn *why* they work though. I always hoped “experience it enough times and you’ll get used to it” but no matter how many times it goes ‘well’ it doesn’t ever seem to sink in. Still gonna try, since you say experience is how our brains learn, I just feel like I’m missing a big piece of the puzzle. That shoulder tip was great by the way, I usually do something I refer to as splitting my core back up, when I’m anxious my stomach pulls up and my chest gets tight etc, all these different muscles etc are being pulled inwards, so I counteract it by intentionally relaxing my gut (flexing your butt can help) while simultaneously raising my larynx, and fully expanding my lungs, the shoulder thing really falls into place nicely in that
Nobody treats social anxiety as a possible consequence of trauma. For many it doesn't go away even if you learn how to act, your brain just short-circuits in social situations.
One thing about general anxiety that helps is not blaming yourself for it. When were anxious were like “im pathetic for feeling this way” or “how dare i feel this way” which makes it worse because youre fuelling the fear. Judgement i feel is a big problem with anxiety. And when we don’t judge ourselves we feel a little better imo. Whenever your mind feels this way tell yourself “I’m fine” thats all.
i am actually so happy i am doing most of the stuff dr. k is saying. first day of uni the other day and i really think i did a great impression of my new friends ( i am so happy i can call them that) i really have grown i am so proud of myself im tearing up
For anyone that may struggle with showing a genuine smile, I find it helps me to remember something that made me laugh and then I end up with a natural smile.
This is a helpful crutch but be careful. Because you're in your own head again, not in the conversation. You're remembering. You're in the past. You've removed yourself from the room you're in and the people you're with and taken your mind back to some previous time. Ultimately, you need to reach a point where the conversation you're having is itself something that you can smile about. Take an interest in the person that you're talking to. Try to be grateful that you get to talk to so many different interesting people. Once you can appreciate the value that the conversation has to you, you'll find it easy to smile about it.
Thanks. That’s helpful. I figure that if I can use your method to trigger a bit of happiness in the middle of social stress I might eventually come to experience socializing as less immediately/inevitably stressful.
If you're gonna smile at someone, smile cause you're glad you met / you're interacting with that person. Anything else, I learned that ppl can TELL its not genuine. Even kids. You might not mean it, but ppl can assume that you're fake or "weird"( what the kids say). And in my case when I was in college, sometimes that perceived fakeness can invite HATE / malice towards you cause of those assumptions. Legit, I had a group chat full of malice(insults, making fun, etc) towards me.
Thank you. Been struggling with social anxiety for over a decade now. Ruined my life real good. I'm in the process of rebuilding myself because of it. This video gave me some hope. Because i do see the similarities of your takes in some experiences I've had, if I'm outside with someone I truly feel comfortable with, accepted, it gives me so much reassurance, and I can be the biggest clown in public without even worrying about anything. My social anxiety is, well, idk, complicated. As said above, it can go away if I'm reassured of being with someone that accepts me, and often i can interact with other human beings for the first time just fine, specially if we are the only people in the room. But if I'm simply taking a walk, and i gotta pass by an outside of a coffee shop filled with people, well, things start going sideways as soon as i spot them and anticipate it. Or simply being inside a store. Is awful to me. Also, i feel like my biggest issue with social anxiety is the fact that one of my symptoms is that i quickly start sweating, in my face. I often think so many times that without that factor, i would be so much more courageous to just deal with it and carry on. But is the fact that I'm sweating and people will notice and last thing I know, i have to find an exist asap. And that's why i prefer winter (even tho it still can happen no matter how freezing it is - but I have more chances to fight it). And if it's really cold, I can just have excuses to hide my bottom face and create my little safe bubble (as I'm aware that some of my anxiety comes from not feeling comfortable with my appearance as well). And rainy days, not only because rain gives me peace overall for what it is, but also because when it's raining, people are busy thinking about it, and preoccupied in not getting wet, and rushing, etc. And i automatically feel that I'm protected, that no one is paying attention to me. If anyone reads this and identifies with it and has any tips, please let me know.. I've wasted so many years of my life thanks to this sh*t.
I think what would be most helpful for me is a follow up video for people who kind of figured out this part and are able to go through social interactions looking completely normal (by smiling, making eye contact, etc), but struggle with the idea that the other person might be acting nice out of social obligation. I think a big part of Indian culture forces people to act out of social obligation and seeing people smile and talk nicely and then turn around and privately say rude things had a big impact on my anxiety. Hopefully this is coherent feedback!
this is so true. Even though not everyone will do that to you, but I always feel like the other person is faking that shit, and isn't actually enjoying the conversation, and will talk shit about every single mistake I made, umm...
I’m no expert in this at all, but I would say 80% of people you’re talking with probably aren’t doing this- and if they are, it doesn’t matter! You’re getting what you need to get out of the situation (even if they’re faking it) and you can’t let the “what if” or irrational thoughts get to you. Ask yourself why does it matter if they’re faking it? Why does it matter what they think of you? Have you ever had to take a smile/being nice for one reason or another and if so was it because you had a problem with that person or were you just not feeling it that day? It’s really hard to get over that thought process, but just remind yourself that you can’t read minds.
33M. I can definitely say that smiling when you first begin talking to someone definitely is something that makes some folks feel at ease. You'll find they'll often smile back and even remember you for it. I also find that when I start conversation by smiling and asking how they are, it'll loosens the other person up which will make the interaction go smoother for both parties. The theory crafting portion was like a magnifying class moment for me because I analyze and theorize to point of being overwhelmed to inaction. Which becomes an almost self fulfilling scenario and repeats the cycle of anxiety and low self-esteem. I've been getting a lot of use from Doctor K and other resources. I'd like to recommend the book The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest for some healthy reading. Thanks to GG for his incredibly useful and much needed work.
This is excellent. What I've noticed is that it's a vicious cycle because people who feel anxious, ACT anxious, and other people can notice that, so they give off that nervous vibe and other people pick up on that so they try to avoid the awkward situation of having to talk to someone who's feeling nervous or anxious because other people who are more relaxed and trying to have fun prefer to talk to people who are having a good time and are calm. I'm talking about parties and social situations mostly.
💯 it's a vicious cycle of a self fulfilling prophecy. You fear rejection, so you avoid vulnerability or interaction at all. Then you get lonely, depressed, and left behind which makes it even harder and you begin to self identify as a loser and further down you go.
@@MustbeTheBassest i figured it out after nights of research i have a very narcissistic controlling mom i thought it was normal how we lived and that i was just being disciplined. if ur parents control your life, dont let u make your own decisions, your always the bad guy, they always try to make it seem like they want the best for you, always yelling and doesnt take responsibility, doesnt listen to you but always wants to be heard. GET OUT THAT HOUSE‼️IF YOUR HOUSE IS TOXIC GET OUT THAT HOUSE
I can personally confirm this advice works. There was one specific instance where I walked into a jazz club with live music and immediately started feeling sad and lonely when I noticed it was mostly a couples night, as a lot of people were paired and dancing together. However, the second I saw my friends (who are a straight couple, so it's not like I was glad to see a bunch of other lonely guys) my bad feelings INSTANTLY disappeared. It was like magic. The way they smiled and beckoned at me made me go from sad, lonely man with a lump in his throat, to beloved friend people were happy to see in the space of a split second. It's not really ideal to have my emotional well-being depend so much on external factors, but that aside, which I'm working really hard on, the way a simple smile and gesture from my friends was able to completely disarm my sadness was incredible
Note for myself: 12:35 - roll shoulders back as if you were about to crack an egg with shoulder blades and raise head - Breathing, slow deep breaths but longer exhalations - Eye contact (1 second eye contact - looking at something/somewhere neutral) (because you need to get real data from the situation) - smile as you make eye contact because this automatically makes people smile too
As a child, I used to make eye contact every time, especially when suffering, but everybody looked at me like I was a pitiful creature from another planet. Now I don't look at people anymore.
I just found this channel recently and I'm blown away by how beneficial this content is. Between the interviews and videos like this I'm starting to feel more control over my emotions and the person I'm becoming. Thank you so much!
I was glad to hear you give credit to (other) animals. I've long felt that non-human animals have better social interactions than most of us humans. Many cats and dogs, for example, show eagerness to befriend humans, and they remain non-judgmental and in many cases also helpful to the humans they befriend -- quite the opposite of social anxiety. Thanks for speaking so positively of our animal friends.
I somehow already do all of this when I interact with people, and most times, I do get that social reassurance from people. But even after that, even after so many years, I still struggle with talking to people. It has gotten better for sure, but it is still very difficult on some days, on many days. This video made me think there might be something so inherently broken in me that even after practicing all these things for so long, I have such a hard time being comfortable around people. I feel so sad when I watch people express themselves so freely.. how nice that they didn't learn this fear. How nice it would be to be free enough to just be myself
I also struggle greatly with social anxiety. One thing that has helped me deal with it is recognizing that mostly everyone else are also struggling with their own problems. Even the most outwardly confident, like one of my good buddies, struggles from time to time. Nobody is 100% consistent in their ability to ace every social situation and that’s fine. Don’t be hard on yourself! If you aren’t already doing this, keeping a journal might help too. Keeping a journal helps organize my feelings and reflect on things in my own space. Maybe it will work for you. Sorry if it sounds like I’m talking down to you, I don’t mean that. Im just trying to help.
I have struggled with social anxiety in the past. When I'm in a new environment or talking with new people I still have a bit anxiety. What helped me is just practice talking to friends and colleagues and talking with strangers got easier. I think the dr. K are really helpful and I think I'm using them even without thinking about. So the person who is reading this, you can do it! Won't be easy but take it slowly and bit by bit you'll over come it!
Well, I am autistic and that is what I do. I don't generally stay in my phone in social situations, I just....stay. Somewhere. My social anxiety doesn't really get better from eye contact. I am always second-guessing myself because I don't know what triggers people. It's always a horrifying experience to me when they got triggered, since I have sensitive ears. people screaming always make me go overdrive. I want to talk, but I always miss my time in conversation. I can say a "hello, how's it going" with a smile and thats it. End of the conversation. This is not helpful to me. I don't think becoming comfortable with being silent all the time is a good answer, but it is what I came to be.
@Issy Hardy I also have autism and I got to ask...how did you reach the point where you no longer feel insecure about "autism dumping" as that's been one of my biggest fears/things I avoid for most of my life? Mainly due to being afraid of bothering people with stuff they don't care about (and by extension seeming inconsiderate...tho this depends on context) and looking bad by not being able to "read the room" per say... My special interests tend to be media related (with the exception of philosophy but even then that's pretty abstract for most people)...video games, internet culture, analysis videos, anime ect...but I feel off about bringing that up...especially if the person is not media savvy! Even if said person is savvy, I'm afraid of going to "in the details" about it as I sometimes feel compelled to do (doesn't help that I've had a past friend who really didn't like how I viewed things). Another reason I feel off about bringing it up is cause I know its not "important" in any sense...but I worry that if I go too detailed the other person might thing I care TOO much than nessesary. As in "bro do you not get basic life details? Why are you questioning the specific intricacies of how this character in this fictional story decided to do this when you can just look at the action itself and jump to the simplest conclusion and it'll probably be right?" (my answer to that would because we are human and don't always know exactly how we'll act on our emotions...tho it seems most people nowadays try their best to ignore that...but I suppose that only adds to my desire to connect with people on a deep level when I get the chance) ...anyways it is for that reason I try to share a frame of reference with the person I am talking to in order to avoid me overthinking abstract stuff...cause it causes my mind to be too stiff...I can't take any jokes...and things will get too serious to quickly...hence why I handle irl talks better than phone calls... But...as you can see...that goes against the grain of "autism dumping"...since my solution is just to avoid it altogether. I suppose solution would actually be to keep this system in place, and with people I trust...trust that in proper context I can dump stuff and be ok (I tend to overthink what they think of what I say...even tho logically I know they aren't putting as much thought into what I say! Again...why I like a shared frame of reference so I'm more likely to ignore/not care about it) Or/And... Find new interests that people will find more useful. Tho I suppose that says a lot about me...that my interests tend to be things most people wouldn't take interest in...because I don't naturally fit in with normal people I never learned things that they would find useful... and like...that's not really a bad thing in isolation. I guess it just means I haven't really found where I belong yet...I just got a handful of friends but honestly they've all mostly moved on with their lives so I see them kinda sporatically. I've tried considering making youtube videos but...lets just say I projected a lot...and while some of the ideas I have are good on paper...the act of making it real takes way too much mental strain when contrasted with an internet addiction that inevitiably was coupled with it when I tried my hardest to make YT vids a reality (thankfully its lesser now...partially thanks to me taking up mediation about a year ago). Ironically I guess that whole situation made me realize it was more than media that connected me with my friends...and I've been trying to focus on those things instead. So maybe I am going in the right direction...sort of...sorry I just had to get this off my chest. I'm kinda surprised how cleanly I explained my situation given how messy its been for the past couple of years at the very least. I guess I just was put into a state of shock due to seeing someone who also has autism use the opposite approach I did and somehow making it work! My method might be fine for me...idk but well see...but I guess I'm still a bit curious how you managed it! lol :P
@@Alienrun not OP, but I just had to say thank you for your vulnerability in sharing. It is really hard to manage social situations and talking about interests. It’s all a balancing game, you know? I know one thing I do is keep it reciprocal. I try to make sure that both of us are talking/sharing things roughly the same amount. So I might talk for a couple minutes, and then say, “yeah, so what do you think of that?” Prompting them gently for a response. Then I listen to what they have to say and then go back to what I have to say. We bounce back and forth. For this reason, it often doesn’t stay on exactly one subject. It changes with each exchange from one person to another. I also try to really listen and pay attention to what they are saying. It feels a lot more “fair” and secure to rant for 15 min when you have already listened to and validated your friend ranting for 15 min haha. For example, they are telling me something, and I show I am listening by making some small responses as they talk: “mmm” “oh I see” “wow!” “Ugh. No way” and so on. I also will ask them questions about what they are saying to show I care, like “how did that make you feel?” Or “when you say xyz, is that like zyx?” Things like that
I really appreciate the eye contact advice. While talking to someone, I always fight the urge to look away even for a while, even if it feels natural, because I feel pressured to maintain eye contact at all times.
As some one who's had SA my whole life, I've discovered it to be symptom of my of early life trauma. I was neglected by family and severely bullied. So my nervous system learned to associate socializing with pain and danger. Even now as a 38yr old 6'3" 225llb man, It's still something I battle with every day. I've spent over $10k on therapy and coaching and I'm still struggling to make friends and start a relationship. People are shocked to hear it since I've lost a lot of weight and started dressing a little nicer. But the truth is it's hard to retrain you're body to not enter that flight/fight/freeze response. From what i can tell. It requires having both healthy relationships and healthy self esteem. Which feels impossible at first. But if you start slow and focus on it, it gets easier as you progress.
Same situation here. It came out when I started smoking week at 15. Now I’m 25, completely clean from drugs and alcohol, yet the social anxiety anxiety is still there. I know, I’m not adding any value to the conversation, I just wanted to share my experience. You’re not alone brother
My problem is not really with the social situation, but kind of before. It’s like a fear of confrontation in some sense. Being with a bigger group of friends is not a problem, but if I am in a smaller group or 1 on 1 and haven’t met those people solo for a while I fear that it will be awkward or boring. And in general it is hard for me to confront people as in asking for help or something or even just planning a meeting. Because of that I just end up not initializing any social stuff and rely on others asking/inviting me.
I love telling people you only develop good instincts by using them, stop thinking, just do stuff, try stuff, talk to people. You're not "just bad at it", you just haven't done it enough AND EMBRACED FAILURE TO LEARN FROM IT enough to get good at it. I only know this because I had to learn it for myself as an adult
8:49 I own a pendant necklace that has a small hole in it. I wear it around my neck daily and when I start feeling socially anxious, I breathe through it. It creates slow and controlled breathing that helps me calm down. It may make me feel lightheaded if used a lot but that's okay ☯️
This is all great advice, but it's worth remembering that not everyone will smile back at you, and that can be upsetting. As someone who has briefly, and mildly (super casual smile IMO) smiled at almost every person I walk past in my small town, I find that most don't smile back, and it is heartbreaking, but there's obviously things going on for them too, so trying to not blame yourself, or what you're doing, that's super important. You're trying to be kind by smiling at someone as you walk by, there's nothing bad about that ❤
I thought I had SAD but after spending some time on forums, I've realized that I more than likely just suffer from generalized anxiety. I do get anxiety in social situations, but it rarely ever gets to the point where it freezes me up. I've found that being more social in general helps me out in every following social interaction I have. I kind of equate it to going to the weight room and progressively overloading my social skills. My main problem is, although I'm not diagnosed, I believe that I suffer from moderate-mild depression, so I go in spurts where it's just EXHAUSTING to socially engage with people and I need to isolate. Everytime I do this, my social skills decline because I need to constantly be putting in the "social work" to maintain some baseline level of functional social skills. At times it feels like a constant cycle of 2 steps forward and 3 steps back
It is a really bad idea to diagnose ourselves. Better idea is to get education about psychology. When we have wrong impressions about defining emotions - we won't know what we feel - and we might start putting labels randomly - and then end up with wrong "diagnosis" and stigma and drama and fixes which actually do not apply to us at all.
Yes, Dr. K is right for a number of reasons. Please don't be that person at the party or social situation stuck on their phone. People will not engage and you will seem stand-offish/boring to others. People are on their phone so much as it is, don't go to a party to do that; do that at home. I know it can suck, I've always been socially anxious but if you push through it and talk with people and open up, you'd be surprised what fun you can have and what interesting people you'll meet.
I struggle a lot with remembering people's faces. On many occasions now I've introduced myself to people who I've had multiple extended conversations with in the past. On some of these occasions, I could see how hurt they were by the fact that I didn't remember them (I did remember them obviously and the conversations, just not their face, but they don't know that). This is the primary reason that I get socially anxious. I'm absolutely terrified about everyone at a party because any one of them could be someone who's face I've forgotten and who's going to get really upset when they come over and say hi. What can I do? Standing tall ain't gonna help.
GREAT video!! I struggled for a really long time with social anxiety and social awkwardness. especially growing up with two older autistic brothers and learning all of my social queues from them lol, honestly really thankful for it as an adult now because I have cool niche interests thanks to them. it was only when I first got my job in the games industry and had to move from connecticut all the way to oregon, alone, that I realized I HAD to get over my social anxiety if i were to thrive in a completely new part of the country, in my first real industry job as an artist. a lot of tips and points you touched on this were very similar to what I had done. In my personal case, the main thing that helped me was forcing myself to go out every friday, I found a friendly local brewery and just would go there, have one drink and really implemented this "fake it til I make it" mentality of TELLING myself I was a friendly confident social person.. it may have taken years, but now I'm living in Los Angeles and ironically I'm doing the best socially I've ever done; you find that in these cool, nerdy social spaces, there's so many amazing people you can connect with if you can just stay present and focus on the people you're talking to & both of your shared interests, rather than allowing yourself to focus on the inner fears/doubts. Those feelings are still there, but I've learned how to not focus on them and they've really shrunken down as my confidence has grown.
As someone who hasn't really ever struggled with social interaction (I think I'm quite natural at it actually), this was still helpful to listen to because I was feeling pretty hopeless about my interactions today with a girl at work that I like. But she smiles and laughs easily when talking to me, so listening to this kind of told me to stop overthinking it and just go about my day.
Overthinking is not something that goes away. If we have high IQ, it is totally normal to over-think. IT would be a crime that we dumb ourselves down just for the sake of groupthink herd mentality and neurotypical explanations about what is suppose to be "normal" Thinking.
I love this channel. It has been so so so helpful. I used to go to therapy but can't afford it anymore, so while this is not a substitute for therapy, it still helps me understand concepts I struggle with better, and guide me in a positive direction that I can handle on my own. Thanks Dr.K!
Found stoicism & it’s damn near gone from a skill to 1-10 my social media was a 2…wasn’t always like this was shy as a kid grew out of it then broke out of it & at 26 landed a big time corporate job and was around alot of people in the army/navy & police force and me just landed the job fresh off the street cause I was determined it made me feel real dumb when speaking after 6 years found stoicism like last month and it’s almost gone I’m like a 8 now just getting it totally out my system now …let’s go people we got this 💪🏾
I’ve had social anxiety for YEARS, starting since elementary school. It wasn’t until recently that I learned meditation that my mind learn to just be quiet, and it’s a really nice feeling. I still get it pretty badly when I’m hanging out with ppl outside of my home or work, but it’s still improved so much. I just need exposure therapy now, but I will definitely use this advice and keep getting better!
Desde que cumplí los 18 tenía como meta ser una persona socialmente activa, sufriendo mucho de ansiedad a la hora de entablar cualquier tipo de relación durante mi adolescencia. Estoy a punto de cumplir 22 años y aprender a lidiar con las emociones a través del lenguaje corporal me ha ayudado mucho estos años, puedo entablar conversaciones fácilmente con gente que recién conozco, y también procesar mis emociones dentro de mis relaciones de forma sana; también en la universidad sirve mucho para que te tomen más en serio, es cosa de mostrarse auténtica. Tus vídeos válidan mi proceso de autodescubrimiento dr K, tanto como me hacen cuestionarme sobre muchas otras cosas. Buen contenido en buen formato!
Yo tengo 31! Osea soy ya una adulta por Dios y sigo con una ansiedad social terrible, crecí en un ambiente donde siempre se burlaban de mí, Cabe mencionar que sumado a eso modo 1.74 y viviendo en México desde la adolescencia cuando conocía gente , veces aún me pasa lo primero que la gente me dice es: " ay mija estas enorme, que super alta" etc etc realmente eso me ha hecho aislarme más, parecería algo muy tonto pero cuando salgo me encorvo me tiemblan las manos a veces, me he salido de trabajar etc en fin estoy en proceso de lidiar con esto y me da gusto que tú ya hayas mejorado Saludos :)
so true. i regularly find myself staring off into the distance thinking ugh the people around me are probably looking at me funny or they've noticed i'm being quiet and think i'm rude etcetc but when i force myself to look at them they're often relaxed or smiling or not even looking my way. if i'm nervous about meeting someone and i don't look at them i think the same sort of thing, but when i do look i can see that they're a little nervous too and that somehow reassures me, we both care. LOOK AT PEOPLE
The smell thing might be a joke but doing 'the rock thing' where you just inhale deeply and then focus on the smell, which is actually a very powerful sense, does help me. It kinda resets my breathing for a moment AND makes me focus on being in the moment, my senses etc. to get me out of my thinking.
Amazing tips, on smiling and posture, breathing. I just feel somewhat sad thinking that even the social reassurance context you gave is one that I don't react well. My perfectionist paralysis is of a kind that sometimes it seems that among close friends it gets worse, not better than with strangers. I feel the need to prove my worth even more, with these people whom I love so much. Getting a "come here!" sign of a friend sometimes can be a source of anxiety, by fear of them faking it, or especially a fear of failing to be what I feel they deserve.
I have a fucked up form of social anxiety that is more extreme with the people I'm close to than with strangers. I have it with absolutely everyone in my life. My mum, dad, siblings, closest friends. It has crept into literally every relationship I have. How it starts is that I get this feeling that there's some discomfort or awkwardness with a person I know, then I start to obsess over that feeling and I become terrified that it won't go away. Then whenever I'm around the person, I get an intense feeling of anxiety and dread, which then leads me to start acting weirdly, which results in genuine discomfort and awkwardness in the relationship. I've lost basically all my relationships this way. Now when I'm around the people I love, I feel zero connection. All I feel is existential dread and anxiety. I would do anything to go back to just being shy and terrified of strangers. Being terrified of being around the people you love literally feels like torture.
I'm terribly sorry to hear that you're going through an awful time with social anxiety, especially with the people you care about the most in life, it's important to know that you're not alone in facing these challenges. Social anxiety can manifest in various ways and it's not your fault, please consider seeking professional help such as therapy or counseling, as they can provide strategies to manage and overcome this anxiety, in the meantime try to communicate your feelings with your loved ones as hard as it may seem, it's not impossible friend, sharing your struggles with them may help them understand what you're going through and offer support. Please remember, you don't have to face this alone, and there are resources available to assist you in regaining a sense of connection and ease in your relationships. P.S. I understand that overcoming social anxiety can be incredibly challenging, in addition to seeking help, considering trying something unconventional but empowering, taking cold showers in the morning. It's a daily practice that can make you feel unconquerable. As stoicism teaches, 'The obstacle is the way.' Here are a few stoic quotes that might help your case my friend. 1. 'The key is to keep company with only people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.' -- Epictetus 2. 'Man is affected, not by events, but by the view he takes of them.' -- Epictetus 3. 'We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.' -- Seneca Please do remember, it's about the small steps towards progress, you've got this my friend. It's about the experiences and journey rather than where we end up, take your time I believe in you
I'm not avoiding eye contact because I'm too anxious or awkward - I'm not making eye contact because I'm actually listening to you. If I try making eye contact I become too focused on the correct amount of it that I will stop listening.
This totally works where I was raised in Canada but when I moved to northern Germany, smiling at strangers and asking shop attendants "hi, how are you today?" gave me some weird responses---even though it was totally normal to me. They don't do that here and had no idea how to react to my openness. Once, I smiled at my neighbor and she asked why I was laughing at her. I had clarify that I was just smiling to be friendly.😅This gave me social anxiety, because I had no idea how to behave in this new place. It took many years to get used to it and feel like I could be myself again.
I get you my advice for you is to just keep doing you, if you don't want to be constantly battling yourself. Even if someone gets weirded out you can't let them control what you do. You just gotta be like "yeah I love smiling" and be confident
"you are prob watching this video alone in your room" really hit because Dr K is so correct lmao. As soon as I saw a video of yours on social anxiety, I knew I had to find out more on how I can develop myself to fix it. It is stopping me from having a social life with people I do not know and want to learn more about. Lets hope I can make it out!
I have a technique that works in some cases. I tell myself: "I will go to someone and talk about something - then I will laugh at the fact that I looked like an idiot." The very fact that I'm starting a conversation brings a smile to my face because I feel like I'm not having a serious conversation, I'm just trolling people. 😆 sometimes it works
Omg Ur amazing Dr. K! i tried the tips from this video when i went into a coffee shop and i shocked myself at how relaxed i became. For the first time in litteral YEARS i was able to walk to the coffee shop and order something AND talk to the cashier without having an anxiety attack or crying..who knew that these fairly simple tips could make social anxiety just poof into thin air lol, it litterally disappeared, not completly but i'd say like 90%. So thx so so much im glad i came across your video bcos you just made me unlearn like YEARS of bad coping habits. Hopefully these tips will also fix my social awkwardness now aswell.. xD Anyways, god bless you Dr. K :)
I’ll give it a shot. I’m really starting to get my shit together in terms of mental health and I wanna start focusing more on socialization, especially with women since that’s where I struggle the most. I can start friendships with other men pretty easily
wow, what a great rminder to come back to my body and check in with my actual reality. i'm so anxious about performing new tasks at my job that i don't even notice how i imagine so many negative outcomes for myself. it's high time i slowed down, breathed deep and stretched my back
I'm 25 years old. The only kiss I got was a truth or dare one in highschool. Getting in shape has helped my body language a lot. While I'm out I don't use my phone 99% of the time. Strangers don't return my smiles.... they're neutral, and of course they are because they got their own lives to deal with. My fondest social interaction in my life was standing up to a bully, the bully was my dad. I got my chin up though, I think.
@@bubbashrimp Thank you! I hope they do too for you! All the things you mentioned I do do with my guy friends when we go out, but all experiences feel flat when looking back at them. Not just with my friends but with family as well. Can't recall the last time I felt excited about being in a social situation with family or friends, they just feel like things you do, like brushing your teeth for example.
I feel you. I also have 26 years old, I have my own kind of hard challenges, but social interaction is something my anxiety and perfectionism feeds a lot on. Deeply paralizing, life stops being worth living. What I can say, considering what I learned until today, and by what you wrote, is the value that vulnerability can have. We learn, we get opportunities, we reach new limits, from being vulnerable. It's how I try to accept my own limitations and how I get to learn, when perfectionism would get me paralized. Cheers mate, I hope you'll reach new heights for your well-being in these coming times 😁
@@bubbashrimp im 17 and i feel you. I have been forcing myself into social situations, having conversations with people before i learned about smiling/eyecontact thing. after I learned that though, I realize that when you make eyecontact and smile, you become more approachable and it makes social situations alot easier to get into. I dont think its supposed to cure it, it just inhibits the overthinking caused by anxiety.
This has a lot of great points. What I think is missing is the difference between animals and people with social anxiety is that animals are using all these cues to figure out the other and determine if this other is safe. For socially anxious humans, we desperately seek reassurance and that can make it difficult to properly be aware of like body language and of our own. The point of social interaction is not to get reassurance, but to find others that are good for you.
My social anxiety has gotten so bad as I grow into my later 20s, I’m 27 now and I don’t have an issue talking to people I have an issue with being in a crowded gym and people being in my way and I don’t mind asking them to work in but the anticipation in the drive to the gym just knowing it’s gonna be full of high school kids and someone’s on every single thing I need to use but once I get there I’m usually over thinking it and I just base it off every bad day I’ve had at the gym I’m expecting it to be that bad every time I have to go at peak hours and it has literally driven me to go extremely early to avoid everyone and any thought of people being in the way or just being near me I hate being around alot of people I don’t know.
I guess sometimes moms are right about “that damn phone” No but I have massive social anxiety and it seriously does help to just bring your head and eyes upward and look around you. I get social anxiety when in a restaurant. I’m sitting at a table and I usually look at the ground or the table and look up for a bit then go back. But if you force yourself to look behind you, up at the ceiling, look at the environment first if it’s too intimidating to look at people. Then I look at people’s backs, and THEN I stare at someone who’s facing my direction and then quickly look away. Then I stare at another person for a few more seconds etc. This will seriously relax you and it’ll feel like the chains of anxiety get loosened up.
Bold of you to assume I’ve ever been invited to or shown up to a party. I went all through school and college without making any friends, and I haven’t left my house more than once a week for the last three years since I started working from home.
When I was in hospital, for depression, one of the doctors there showed us the location of 2 glans on our spine. One adrenal gland and another one associated with a calming hormone. He pointed out that the adrenal gland is pretty high up on our spine and is stimulated when you breath with your chest, and the other one was in a good position to be stimulated when you breath with you stomach. The conclusion of this being that if you are looking to calm down, it help if you focus on breathing with your stomach rather than your chest. This in addition to breathing slower and drinking milk etc.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:00 🧠 Social anxiety often leads to overthinking and excessive worrying about what others think, making social situations challenging. 01:25 🦁 Animals can handle social interactions without overthinking, relying on natural instincts and non-verbal cues. 03:16 🧘 Social anxiety is not just a cognitive issue but also involves perception and physiology. 07:40 🌬️ To reduce social anxiety physiologically, stand up straight, roll shoulders back, and practice slow breathing with a focus on long exhalations. 09:28 👀 Make brief and intermittent eye contact in social situations to receive reassuring feedback from others. 11:33 😃 Smiling is essential; it helps create a positive feedback loop during social interactions, making you feel more at ease. 14:20 🔄 Practice these techniques in neutral situations to build confidence and reduce social anxiety over time. Made with HARPA AI
I had social anxiety from early childhood, and I got rid of it on my own by reading books about it at the age of 40. So, what is social anxiety? It's basically a lack of confidence. You feel you're judged by others, you're constantly analyzing what others think about you, and this is what's paralyzing you. When you gain confidence, social anxiety disappears. This is what worked for me: talk to anyone. On the street, in the store or gym, anywhere. Fear not, most people are very friendly, happy to be approached. You will see that many people are shy or submissive. So, compared to them, you look very confident, which makes you more confident. What was an intimidating situation for you is not scary anymore because you've done it so many times.
Personally, I never had any problems with the actual conversation. I'm pretty good with people... IF I ever decide to interact with them. THAT'S the real issue for me. As a person with AvPD I cannot overcome the hurdle of even making a choice to meet anyone or go anywhere. But once I'm there, I'm fine. I can talk to others normally, but I can never get myself to initiate that contact first. Especially if it's about new people I never met before.
Same. I don’t know if I technically have AvPD but I’d rather just avoid people most of the time because I find it exhausting when I’m around others too much. Part of it is my natural introversion, which I don’t think is a bad thing but sometimes I need to want to be social more often. I’m actually a good conversationalist for the most part but a lot of people bore me with their typical conversation topics.
Something that really helped me, was asking people's name before talking. I enter the store, go to the person: "Excuse me, what's your name?" You will notice people will get SUPER OUT OF GUARD and some of them will even get confused. Then you proceed: "My name is William, nice to meet you. Could you please xxxxxxx". It is so MAGIC how people shift from "WTF he asked my name" to "oh wow this dude is so polite". This completely changes the tone of the conversation. Worked greatly for me
I realize that I feel lonely, even though I have friends. It's because I don't feel comfortable during any social interaction, and so all of my conversations and thus relationships are fairly shallow. When a relationship with a "friend" is very shallow -- even if I've known them for years -- then it very much feels like I have no friend at all. It's a nasty situation to be in, because objectively I do have friends and, objectively, I am not alone. And yet, subjectively, I am very alone.
im the same way. it's reassuring to at least not feel alone in those feelings of loneliness. i hope you can learn to be more comfortable around your friends so you can truly be yourself
This approach is beyond interesting. I like how you narrowed all the reasons of social anxiety into one category while giving multiple advice to deal with it. I still have one question though. People who you spend a lot of time with, for example classmates, coworkers, people who regulary see that you're socially struggling and as a result, they don't talk to you, treat you differently, can you become so social and confident to get a better relationship with them? Or will they always behave differently around you because they know your past? Is it actually possible to break out of years of anxiety you felt around these people? This is what I'm dealing with and have been trying to change things for a year now with no success. Everytime I tried I felt that I was judged and probably because they knew that I wouldn't just go out and socialize. And I always feel this way even if I don't interact with them by choice but because of some task. How to get that reassurance when the people aren't willing to give it to me? I don't know if I should put any more effort in this or just give it up and be happy with those few friends I still have left.
been having a lot of anxiety at work lately. i kind of brush it off thinking that the adrenaline is good for keeping me on my toes on lunch or dinner rushes, but its been affecting my relationships at work at the same time, so this video is actually perfect timing for me! will definitely implement these techniques from now on to try and be friendlier and bond with coworkers :)
Practical solution for social anxiety : 1) Push your shoulders back and stand up straight : it will expand your lungs and allow you breath deeply 2) Breath slowly : it will make you feel less panicked 3) Make eye contact : for brief periods of time (3 secs is good) , try to be at a 45° angle to the person so that you can look at them and then look to a neutral area easily. 4) Smile : others will smile back when you smile at them due to how are brains functions (mirroring ) 5) Practice how you are going to approach someone by combining all the above steps (Watch the video for the explanation, this is just to refer to later) Here's some personal advice. Although like dr.k said theory crafting can only get you so far , i think combining all the practical steps and doing some cognitive work at the same time is the best way to deal with this issue. So here's something I like to remind myself from time to time - All of us humans are basically the same at the core, we have the same physiology, the same desires, needs, goals, wishes. Our essence is the same, we may vary on the surface level but on a deep existential level we're one and the same. Ponder over this for some time and you'll realise this to be true and that will help you be more confident and relaxed while talking to others.
I used to not be able to ever make eye contact with people but what helped me a lot is I would just watch UA-cam videos of people talking into the camera and I would just make eye contact with them while understanding everything they say. Now making eye contact in real conversations is something I almost always do
Something I've struggled with is replaying in my head any negative social interactions I've had that day. "I shouldn't have said this... this was a dumb idea..." When it happens, it's like I think I'm preparing myself for socializing pitfalls. Like, how you mentioned theory-crafting. But, it just makes the anxiety even worse next time. I dropped out of college the first time I tried because of how bad my social anxiety was.
My tactic for eye contact is: Look at the person speaking to you. When it is your turn to speak, look up at the sky (like you're thinking about what to say), say what's on your mind, and before the end of the sentence, look at the person again (signaling that you are about to finish your statement).
I've found that the most important thing is to surrender to the fact that the worst case scenario isn't going to hurt me. I might die of embarrassment, lose a chance with a woman, or make a group dislike me, but I'll still go home that night, eat dinner, and sleep safe in my bed. The worst case scenario is still safe. When system 2 let's system 1 know that through a visualization, I feel much more like people.
I've found that approach helpful with insomnia, too. Won't help too much in the moment, but can definitely put things in perspective in the lead-up to the trigger.
1. smell each other lmao 2. social re-assurance (smiles, eye contact, relaxation, feel loved n cared for somehow to disarm inner critique) 3. stand up straight, breathe slowly w long exhalation, make eye contact for 1 sec n look away, smile
If you've got a few hours to set aside, I highly recommend reading "How To Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie. It's a bit dated at some parts, but the general principles still hold up very well. But don't solely rely on the book. Without a doubt you should get through your workbooks and talk to your therapist as well.
What i love the most about this video is that in the first minutes he gave me all the information i need to get better. Use your instincts and feelings, not your brain.
I will say, I had really bad social anxiety with entering grocery stores and anything neutrally social; and at some point decided that wasn't going to be acceptable for a fulfilling future. So I started smiling, and practicing smiling in these situations. It started a little awkward for the first 1-2 trips, but after that genuinely changed how I felt other people percieved me. :)
Thank you Dr. K, as a autistic man that has been struggling with social anxiety for more than 10 years, this video is really helpful, I will try every tip you gave in it.
@@ranc1977 There are aspects of social anxiety that are not mutually exclusive between "normal" and neurodivergent people, when talking about them, some advices are in fact helpful as long as I keep my own traits in mind.
@@Kiitesh But that is the central problem: that we end up thinking that we are abnormal and inept (toxic shame) and hence we need advice from other people (external locus of control). This way we are ordered and controlled and manipulated and we are taught to coercive control - we will expect this is standard way of thinking - and we will end up with codependency issues. Piaget said the best way to learn is to give a child tools - and when we tell the child what to do - we take away child's ability to use their own intelligence. Who says that we might not have better ideas than other people are talking about?
@@ranc1977 You're really insightful in this topic, I'm a little bit lost trying to find my own point here... But well, I guess I feel lost and I'm just looking for help... any help really, and identifying as an autistic person is kinda new to me, since it hasn't been even a year since my diagnostic, my family didn't even think about the possibility, I just had to discover it by myself, but I'll consider what you said, thanks!
@@Kiitesh We need to be careful with diagnosis and labels - it carries self fulfilling prophecies. Instead of following our intuition and common sense - we might end up aligning ourselves with someone else's definitions and rules which really do not apply to us or given situation.
I really do appreciate this approach of "Try this out and if it doesn't work, let me know and let's try something else." A lot of channels will commit to the bit as if it's the final answer to solve our problems but Dr. K really gives the sense that he's going on the journey of finding what works for you with you.
Me too! With a framing like this you avoid self-blaming if it does not work out and you show a constant support on indeed an implied longer journey. Very sweet :)
Thats a HUGE point in favour of his approach in my mind. Anything else gives you the feeling of failure if certain approaches that are hammered home in other mental health videos and then people just... well stop looking.
It seems almost like a challenge 😂
"Oh yeah? I'll show Dr K this is total BS" - then you try it, then it works...
A lot of people have this sort of attitude in general and it really pisses me off! To the point to which they give you the same advice/instructions after you explain how it doesn't work as if they didn't listen/read what you said at all, and then at some point give uo with something like "you must be doing something wrong, this has to work"
not everyone is the same and there is no one size fits all.
It's so fascinating to me as someone with SAD that the analytical overdrive doesn't happen in most people's minds
Isn't SAD Seasonal Affective Disorder aka clinical seasonal depression? I've never heard it as an official acronym for social anxiety disorder. I was just asking. Maybe it is the official acronym for both. I'm just. This is new to me. And probably less common than GAD for people to discuss using the acronym.
@@VioletEmerald Yes, I think ur right, I'm diagnosed with GAD and that's all, never heard in psychiatrist room about someone having social anxiety disorder, even tho, I did have some symptoms.
I've found that the analytical overdrive gets overclocked if I'm high in a social setting. It's can be useful if it isn't paired with anxiety, since I'm able to notice more subtle things related to body language.
But maybe it's just contributing to the social anxiety
@@VioletEmerald you’re right, op is just clueless. SAD definitely does not refer to social anxiety, he/she is just self diagnosing cringe
@@cc1drt they got an acronym mixed up. What's your problem?
I think the hardest part is when you develop that thought of, "do I actually want to connect with anyone here? is it really worth it?" you get to a point where you lose interest in other people as a defense mechanism
Me right now.
I don't want to connect with others but I want to, want to. :(
It's the worst feeling of hopelessness ever. Because I actually have a genuinely amazing willpower, anything that I set my mind to and and truly want, I accomplish. It's no factor actually. But I don't know if I actually want connections with others, so I can't use my positive trait i have to get better. 😕
Even worse when one begins to vilify and disdain others; replacing the anguish of loneliness for anger
@@sweetestaphrodite sort of like Holden Caulfield. I straddled that line when I was much younger, but thankfully corrected that way of thinking. Now I struggle with the energy to be present, irrationally feeling like I have enough personality types figured out that I feel like I'm wasting time and energy 'getting to know' people. I can look around the room and fill-in-the-blanks myself, so to speak.
Uhhhh is it bad that i think that
never hurts to try right?
The hard truth of overcoming social anxiety or anxiety in general is that you HAVE to dare yourself to go out there and face what scared you
I figured that too, I said I have to go out and face whatever scares me, but now I find out that I lost many of my friends because of the attitude of being silent and not interesting to people, so even if I decide to face it and go outside, I find it so awkward to go there alone... imagine going to party alone, that's scares me more and people will look at you as weird person.
In facing fear will you find what you most desire
i have been daring myself to go into those social situations for YEARS.
though i always do what my anxiety tells me not to do, i still have very harmful physical reactions even towards the mere thought of doing something in public. even something like meeting up with friends. last week i went to a friend's party, i knew everyone there and yet i still stood over the toilet puking from stress for 30 minutes before going to their house. it doesn't matter how much you'll commit to push yourself out of your comfort zone, your body will act on its own.
@@PLAYSTATlON3DS perhaps, in that case, its something within? I am no expert, but if youve done a lot of social exposure and things dont seem to get better, it might be a trauma having its own effect on you? Something long buried in your unconcsiousness which comes to the surface every time youre in a social situation.
Nope, doesn’t work. I tried many things, i played even trumpet in front of 200 people… but when you stop doing challenges. You get back to baseline… bin there don that.
Social anxiety has ruined my life in a lot of ways. l grew up with selective mutism. it's a severe form of anxiety disorder where you're unable to speak in certain settings like school. l know that the anxiety is irrational but it is very real in my mind. it is like having all the equipment necessary to produce sound but words refuse to come out. İn addition to that, l couldn't drink, eat, go to the bathroom or even bring myself to leave my desk during recess if there were other people around. Obvsiouly that put a big target sign on my back for others to bully me. There would be times when i would just cry and ask myself why i was unable to speak. l seriously felt like something was wrong with me. l was anxious, odd and mute. All the bullying l had to endure for several years took a huge toll on my soul/mind. Two years ago, l strated university and realized things didn't change much and i was still quite frustrated, lonely and anxious. A typical day at university was just me sitting through the whole lecture and going back home without uttering a single word to anyone. So last year l decided i'd go see a psychiatrist. l got diagnosed with dysthymia, a milder but long-lasting type of depression. They gave me some meds and put me on cognitive behavioral therapy. l never took the meds for personal reasons even though i should have. Now l'm 22 years old, still very young but l'm extremely skinny, got a couple of bad teeth and losing my hair. l live with my parents so the only in-person contact i get is with my parents. l've stopped taking care of myself. l'm usually paranoid, nervous and angry around people. l'm a bitter and envious person. l have no friends or even acquaintances. l feel hopeless and rejected by the whole world. l'm pretty much used to spending my days sitting at a computer. l'm unable to function in social situations. This doesn't come from a defeatist mindset. l still have good days here and there and those are worth living for in my opinion. l still have a lot more to say, things that i left out but it'd take me an hour to mention all the ways in which i've struggled with anxiety. l feel very deeply for anyone who has to deal with this condition that shrinks your entire universe. The only thing i know is that life goes on and we are here to enjoy it with the hand we were dealt.
I relate to a LOT of this. I really feel for you, I wish you didnt have to go through all that. I hope someday we can both get over social anxiety
I feel for you, im going through something similar. No matter how much i want to talk to someone i can’t get the words out of my mouth and when i force them out my voice shakes uncontrollably. I feel so completely alone, no matter how much i want to reach out some days i just dont think i could explain whats going on with me. Right now im starving myself because i think being extremely skinny will boost my confidence and maybe then i can go outside and talk to people again lmao.
❤
Thankyou for sharing your story on here, I’m 21 and I’ve had to suffer a lot through the hand I was dealt to, my problems are a lot different then yours but I often get anxious and quiet to, I’ve always been easy to step on so anybody feeling malicious one day wouldn’t mind using their words to hurt me, I think maby that’s why I started to withdraw and become a lot more quiet but anyway I’ve had a medical condition that would make me give off a bad smell whenever I would eat a chemical found in most food and even though I’ve been to the doctor multiple times they only really started helping me at all when I turned 20 but anyway what I’m trying to say I know how it feels to be in a lose lose situation like that, people don’t understand your pain so they start looking down on you and they can’t actually see how much of a fighter you really are because they can’t really relate, but I hope you get put into a situation where it’s easy to get close to the people around you, take care of yourself even when it feels like it doesn’t matter, find ways to be creative and excersise and stay strong..
it's awesome that you're able to identify and understand yourself like this, that is not easy at all as well as what you're going through. you're on the right path man, just be patient with yourself and know that you will always be a lot more capable and stronger than you think. hugs from the end of the world, argentina!
Anxiety controls way more than my social life
It can actually branch out and cause you to develop phobias if left untreated for a long time
Maybe both of us go for a run????
Yep. It can also cause physical issues like baldder or muscle problems if it gets really bad.
@@sadiwanv716 Sure, when do you want go
Could be Generalized Anxiety Disorder, my social worker is on the fence with getting a diagnosis for me so she put me down as Unspecified currently.
My mother dealt with social anxiety for many, many years. She is now the most socially adept person I know, and I learned to overcome my social anxiety by learning from her. And she does exactly everything you just said to do, to the letter. Can confirm it works
Everything only, or everything + some other stuff, cuz the advice in the vid has been repeated to me like 100 times now and no e of it works for me
@@H3c171 you sure it doesn't? I used to think it doesn't work, but then I realized that it does work, just not as much as I would consider to be a success :D
it's like, if you need a breakpoint for it to "work", you may not realize the slow and steady changes, like a frog not realizing it's being boiled in hot water, but in a more positive way.
@@H3c171what doesn’t work
@@riveteye93 I for my part don't have the mental social anxiety part much, but extreme physical anxiety that doesn't go away no matter what. Meds, therapy, exposure etc. didn't work, even in a clinic/facility and the little bit it did, it came back immediately outside of it all. Same for my brother D: In my case, it's likely caused by my ADHD (which also contributed a lot to getting the SA). Most people sadly need meds and for some, with those, it disappeared completely. So I hope others will explore other alternatives as well if needed (rather than waste and lose 10-20 years to SA like I did) x-x
@@H3c171 here’s the thing, the content in the video isn’t about you, but it’s how you connect to the world outside of yourself to have it reflect an image that counteracts the negative inner self chatter
Social anxiety has taken over my life. It has sent me into isolation for the past 3 years I haven't had a single friend. I'm 30 years old and I feel like I completely forgot how to have a conversation with anyone without feeling like a burden to people. The only time I speak to anyone is if they approach me first. I cannot bring myself to approach anyone.
I isolated myself for longer. Two things helped me get out: training not caring about what others think and finding online someone that cared about me.
My situation with social anxiety is summed up like this:
-Past experiences with adhd had led me to be mocked or ridiculed for being “social” so my brain/body is VERY hesitant to speak
-I’m a very quiet person and I don’t want to talk 80% of the time so when I’m put in a situation where I’m forced to I’m thrown off or not in the mood
-I have adhd and think too much given most situations. For example you say hi and automatically my brain thinks of 5 different responses and given only a millisecond I have to choose so it comes out jumbled “hi-ey, how’s you doin toonigh-day-“🤦🏾♂️
-I have very little experience in life being a loner all my life so when people ask about my experiences I don’t have any
Whenever I talk about myself I sweat if it’s “personal” so it’s hard to put myself out there.
Overall my problem is that I struggle with my past, my adhd and my uninteresting personality and this manifests into social anxiety.
You aren't uninteresting. You have experiences. Media just doesn't like to make your experiences look good. Naruto was a loner and only was worth talking to after gaining status and power. Nobody talked to the loner Naruto. This data and any other media I consumed instead of socializing is what makes me feel ashamed of my past experiences and current personality. As I started to accept my past it became easier to talk about it. And even if my past experiences are lacking, I can still make new experiences, and talk about what I want to do in the future
Exactly the same with me, exactly. Been mocked by my own mother about it and since I'm so used to her losing interest right away with me; when I'm speaking with people I have the terrible habit of trying to speak super fast so I can get what I wanna say out before the person loses interest and gets fed up. I just stay quiet now too, though I wanna figure it out and be normal I guess? idk...
I bet you have a wicked sense of humor you don't even know about yet. Do you ever tell yourself jokes in your head and just bust out laughing? And everyone around you looks at you like you're some kind of freak? That's me. I would love to pick your brain. I bet you're really fun to hang out with. Straight up, like, 90% of all stand-up comedians have your same backstory.
@@xCCflierx Ngl, when you mentioned Naruto, I laugh 😆. Great comment btw 👍
Yeah I'm the same way too. I was the main class clown at grades 3-7, and they transferred me to a class that had been together for half their lives. They were good people but I saw it as punishment and thought fuck it, I'm not gonna talk to these guys. After a month or so I kinda wanted to start hanging out with them but it felt weird to become social just out of the blue. So I just listened for 2 years lmao. I still don't speak unless spoken to in groups of 5+ and it's been 20 years or so.
This is one of my biggest issues. I know I'm not alone
me too
You're not. Its tough out there! But we gotta make it through somehow, right?
Omg me too
See how does knowing you’re “not alone” help in any way? I genuinely would like to know. People have told me that my whole life, “you’re not the only one suffering” “you’re not alone” “tons of other people feel the same as you”
Like how does knowing that change anything about my situation?
@@AwsOm3Fac3It doesn't change your situation but there is a sense of comraderie knowing other people are fighting the same struggles, and that other people have managed to break out of it proving it is possible
It’s difficult to overcome social anxiety through recognising body language and social cues when you have a deep-seated idea that no one likes you and there is something fundamentally wrong with you, which ultimately results in any positive signals being interpreted as negative.
A really difficult cycle to break, because those thoughts cause you to close off, which pushes people away and reinforces the belief that they never liked you in the first place.
fully relate
You need to start loving yourself, loving yourself more than others ever could. Because it doesn’t matter whether someone likes you or not.
Thinking that there is something wrong with you is a trauma from childhood.
There is actually nothing wrong with you😊
THIS.
@@3zooz17But I am a piece of shit human that can't properly experience emotions. I can't understand how to love anything, let alone myself.
@@3zooz17 "start loving yourself" is probably the most annoying and useless advice ive ever heard, how is someone who hates everything about themselves supposed to just flip that. nobody ever says how, might aswell say "be better".
About "theorycrafting in a game you've never played": I think social anxiety manifests when you tried to play the game (after all that game is mandatory in our society) and you lost most of the 'engagements' - you encountered indifference, rejection or bullying. So we fell compelled to theorycraft based on that data.
I'm socially anxious almost exclusively when it comes to making friends, especiallly meeting girls, so SA is coupled with the fear of rejection, as I was met with bullying from people I wanted to make friends with when growing up and indifference/rejection when I wanted to talk to girls.
This is an excellent point that needs to get more traction. In my experience when my social anxiety is general these work well enough, but when I get into one of my two semi-specific situations where it's worse they don't cut it.
When I am interacting with a direct superior, originally teacher but boss works much the same way, I am looking for the way this person or someone in their chain of authority is going to cause harm, because that's my experience with teachers and bosses. Even if _this_ one is good, go far enough up the chain and one of them _will_ screw either me specifically or the team/site/business/school as a whole. I've simply never known anything else, so it's a defensive reaction to a frankly predictable outcome.
When I ask for help I've found it's _far_ more likely for whatever someone says they will do to not happen. Tutors don't show, contractors cancel, doctors (especially therapists) leave the practice or state after just a few appointments, the theme goes on. Family and friends are better but still not reliable, so I always have to plan for what is the fail condition if this person doesn't keep their word. It's again a defensive reaction to my experience of people being utterly unreliable.
I have no doubt that is the case for some people, but it may be a good idea to revisit your social experiences with a critical eye. Today I understand that many of my negative social experiences have happened in my head only. Basically sometimes I fabricated scenarios of embarrassment and rejection in my mind based on a minimal or non-existent social cue.
Yeah, peope treat social anxiety like it's something random and silly, and not a trauma from a toxic environment.
Yeah, I think this video is only part of the solution. It might help someone in the moment, but people who have a fear response because of trauma are going to need to do more to work through that trauma. They might also need to learn to interact in a more "acceptable" way that doesn't lead to rejection or disdain
Last few years I've been pushing through my social anxiety with brute force, which works but it's very mentally exhausting. I feel proud for pushing and doing the socialization I do but it's a constant war inside my mind the whole time so I end up not having a good time as I could. Will definitely make a shift to this 'shutting down' kind of approach, it looks far more sustainable. Thanks Dr. K!
Urge to clean ourselves stem from toxic shame and trauma.
It is a constant feeling that we are contaminated by bad people and bad events - and that we must focus on cleaning ourselves from imaginary shame and guilt that spring up due to exposure to alcoholic abuse while growing up.
I have struggled with mental illness and my mental health since I was a kid. Before I even knew what those terms were. After years of depression, anxiety, and even an attempt to take my life, I never thought I would be able to live without SSRI medications. I clung to them because it was the only thing that made my mind quiet, but it also made me a zombie. Microdosing has given me control of my mental health for the first time, and they essentially gave me my life back.
I’ve been researching on psychedelics and it’s benefits to individuals dealing with Anxiety, Depression, ADHD and from my findings, they really work and I’ve been eager to get some for a while but its been difficult to get my hands on them.
The Trips I've been having really helped me a lot. I’m now able to meditate and I finally feel in control of my emotions and my future and things that used to be mundane to me now seem incredible and full of nuance on top of that I'm way less driven by my ego and I have alot more empathy as well
I was having this constant, unbearable anxiety due to work stress. Not until I came across a very intelligent mycologist. He saved my life honestly
His name is *DR Adolf Petter*
@ohmakure4716
I feel the same way too. I put too much on my plate and it definitely affects my stress and anxiety levels. I am also glad to be a part of this community.
That fake creepy smile at the end had me cracking up.
I think part of my problem is that I never REMEMBER this stuff when I'm in the moment. There'll be times, when I'm walking somewhere and I'm nervous that everyone is staring at me (which of course they're not), that I'll tell myself "Head up, shoulders back." But half the time I'm trying to make myself invisible, and I forget everything I just learned. This is especially true for techniques when my emotions are completely overwhelmed.
" I forget everything I just learned"
Yes" You got it!
This happens due to emotional dysregulation and amygdala hijacking - our cortex brain goes offline - and we lose access to memory of all advice we heard.
There is also Ebbinghaus Forgetting Curve - we will forget with time anything foreign to us.
It is foreign to us due to trauma and toxic shame.
So it is useless to expose and to listen to advice what we should be doing - since this is not who we are.
We need education about toxic shame and trauma - we need to accept ourselves as we are - with panic and fears and anxiety - instead of coveting it up with challenges and facing fears.
When we accept ourselves - amygdala hijacking won't happen because there will be no triggers anymore - and we will rely on our brain and personality to resolve solve issues and to make initiations on our own ideas our brain likes and want and needs.
I had severe social anxiety until I went to college. I went into broadcasting, and we were just thrown into it. Just had to get on that mic and sink or swim. I took the midnight-3AM shift because I thought, "no one's listening. I can screw up all I want and no one will hear me, so I'm good," BUT, because the bars closed at 2AM, I ended up hosting every after party in the tri-county area. 😂 People would recognize my voice when I'd go out to eat or something and they'd come up to me and ask me if I was the chick from the radio and I'd get to have some really cool encounters with people I didn't even know. I even got out of a traffic ticket once because all the cops listened to my show too. We're in the middle of nowhere. There's not a lot of crime here. They didn't have anything else to listen to at that hour. My headlight was out, so he pulled me over and asked me why I was out driving at that time. I told him I was coming back from the station and he had me sign a warning slip. He said, "cool! Now I have your autograph," and he sent me away with the promise that I'd get that headlight fixed before the week was out. I accidentally made myself the town rockstar because I was scared to do the one thing I always dreamed of doing. Now, we have UA-cam and I have a stalker who's obsessed with my minor child, so the whole local rockstar game has DEFINITELY changed for me, but I learned a lot from what happened at that radio station and I met a lot of really cool people. You can't practice for this. You really just have to throw yourself into it. And, YES, SMILE. That's a really important thing that I learned too. Even when people can't see you, but they can HEAR you, they can tell when you're smiling. You can HEAR a person smile! That's a real thing!
Great video, Dr K, as always! Thank you for posting!
Great story! 😁
@@Subsistence69 I've made spreading joy my only goal in life, so if you found that entertaining, I reached my goal today. I can clock out now. Sweet.
Who else isn't working after noon today? Anyone wanna form a social anxiety club and pretend like anyone's actually gonna show up? 😂
wow that sounds like a plot from a movie. i love it :) didnt even know something like this really still exists, since im from germany and never heard of a radio station like that.
I can confirm this is correct! Thinking about it beforehand does not help And usually makes it worse. It's like going swimming in cold water, Trying to ease into it drags the uncomfortableness out longer. You have to jump in. Itll be jarring at first but you WILL acclimate....Same thing for social situations, you'll feel extra awkward initially but it passes SO much faster when you just jump in. The more you do it, the easier it gets and If you persist before long you WILL obliterate SA...for good. It's basically self-administered exposure therapy. Also an effective technique for anything else that makes you anxious or fearful. What Dr k is talking about is kind of like somatic therapy, And actually it helps that much more to integrate both of these together.. The thing people have to realize is, like many of our issues, there's rarely an instant fix, So it's going to be uncomfortable for little while... But just remember, that's actually okay... Promise!
@@tobik2627 I met someone when I lived in Germany named Tobias Krause. I think that's how he spelled it. That's a fun coincidence. Tobi K. Cool.
Yeah, there aren't a lot of radio stations like that one any more. Internet/satellite radio killed the old stations, but it was really cool while it lasted. I know there are still a few that do live broadcasts. Not nearly as many as there used to be.
From what I know (not just from living in Germany a LONG time ago, but also from my family), German people are less outspoken than Americans. We're extra loud over here. Maybe even obnoxious. Can't be as much of a firecracker in Germany. Especially not today. I remember Sundays being particularly quiet there, and I know my Oma, no matter how long she lived in the US, would not take out trash or make much noise at all on Sundays. I don't know though. I've seen some of your Fußball crowds get rowdy. Are you an American football fan or do you watch any other sports? Just wondering. I thought it was really cool that the NFL held a game in Germany last year. I didn't know that German people cared at all about American football until recently, but I met a Superfan online a while ago who was from Germany and he definitely loves the sport and everything it's about. Big Vikings fan, that guy. Really cool dude.
Anyway, yeah, the radio thing was a fun experience and socializing really is about just getting out there and doing it. If I go for too long without socializing in person, I still get a little bit of anxiety, but I know what works for me is to just jump back into it and keep rolling. 9 times out of 10, I end up being the life of the party, so it's all good.
Oh, I DID learn what imposter syndrome is because of all this. 😂 Yep. The struggle is real. Just gotta keep pushing through it.
I actually used to smile whenever I was anxious in college . And like a charm people would smile back whether we were friends or not and made the environment really comfortable for me.
It feels wierd to say it now and I was known to be really friendly but I literally smiled more for myself than "to be friendly."
It
Lol same... Now I just smile for no reason...
I used to do that but not anymore
You are a genius
I did that for a while but surprisingly it just got me through social interactions but never made me more comfortable.
I just got back from a 7 day trip to a Cancun resort with the guys. All around me, guys and gals were socializing and hooking up. Everyone at the resort club got turnt up every single night, getting on stage and dancing, dancing with all the attractive girls and even taking them back to their rooms. Everyone but me, I never spoke to any girls on the resort, even the ones who showed interest in me. And I never danced at the club, just stood at a corner and watched the whole time. I hate it. I'm now coming back from a vacation full of regret of all the fun and romantic experiences my social anxiety kept me from experiencing
It sucks man. Been there.
Dr. K just living rent free in your brain writing a script on how to solve your current problems
If making eye contact is still too much for some of you there's still something you can do to help yourself in those situations; try looking at the bridge of the nose, or the forehead between the eyes. For years now, this has helped me maintain face-to-face contact with people and feel so much less awkward about it while still showing respect and receiving that visual/empathic feedback.
theres an office episode about this
I'm autistic and have heard this advice a lot, but my issues with eye contact are so bad I can't even look at someone's Face in general if they're looking at me, for any slightly prolonged period of time. rip
have people noticed that at all? usually during eye contact someone's eyes will be switching side to side as we can't really look at both eyes at the same time. so if you're looking at a singular spot between the eyes, it might actually be a little weird for the person on the perceiving end. but that _could_ just be me overthinking it because of my anxiety. the spiral continues lmao
You have to make eye contact in order to overcome the fear that's the only way. Also smiling helps alot defusing the tension for yourself and once you keep doing this it starts to be natural. Just make sure your posture is consistent throughout the day.
Or look at the persons eyebrows! I was taught this in school, it looks IDENTICAL to looking right into their eyes.
important points
- humans have an inner voice overthinking situations, and we try to push this down when trying to overcome social anxiety.
- we try to fix our social anxiety with logic, analysis, and reassurance, unlike other animals. when we focus on other senses besides our thoughts, it'll disable some of the circuitries causing social anxiety
- we look at our phones when we're anxious at a party, so we can't notice the visual socially reassuring signs we need from others.
- adrenaline causes more panicked thoughts, so deep breathing with slow exhalations will help with this. + rolling your shoulders back can expand your lungs
- making eye contact is scary, but it'll give you visual reassurance instead of leaving your brain to overthink. look at whoever's talking and make brief periods of eye contact. if you're talking to someone one-on-one, you can stand at a 45º angle so you'll be able to switch between turning towards them and looking back at the room
- smiling is important because the other person usually smiles back, which can relax you because it reassures you that they like you. you can practice this with cashiers etc. and then use it in social situations.
- the main point is that animals can overcome social anxiety and have healthy communities because they use the parts of the brain that we're suppressing by focusing only on our thoughts or our phones. if we just calm ourselves, look at people, and take in the situation, we can see that people like us
I know that people like me but its hard to connect with them when I mind is thinking how should I start a convo hang out with then and stuff eye contact is hard but I'm learning it again
Talking to a stranger everyday even it’s saying hello or just a couple seconds of small talk makes me feel more comfortable in social situations for the rest of the day. The best for me is if I can help someone because not only do you have a good interaction but you are also making their life easier. 👍🏼
I have social anxiety myself.
Got this from growing up, abused, and pretty much messed up my self esteem.
I still have it to this day and Id be lying if I said it did not affect my life much. It did.
But what I do notice is, on the run up to say an event or a party or anything that includes talking to random people. You will be nervous AF.
But the moment you start doing it. You just do. In the end of the day you gotta do what you need to do.
Still you will feel nervous. You are afraid that people might hate you. Afraid and overthink about what people might think of you.
One thing is certain, the moment I get alcohol in my system. I am turn into the most confident person lol.
Now in regards to being afraid of what people think of you.
Think this way.
Every people you meet everyday. Every random person. When they see you.
They ofcourse will think and perceive of you.
Now cause they do not know YOU. Their perception of you is not "really" you.
Its another version of YOU, in their mind.
So if you met 1000 random people. It means you have 1000 different versions of you, in each of the 1000 people's heads.
Point is.
Don’t be nervous of what people think of you.
They don't really know you.
Just be You.
Anxiety makes me want to stop living
I can feel you 😔
Everyday
frfr
You’re not the only one feeling like this. But you have to be strong and find something to live for everyday. You can get better with a little work. It’s worth it. I’m still working on it and it’s getting better.
samee
Hey healthy gamer crew
Today is the third day in a row i woke up and did the things instead of playing videogames for hours. Without having to force myself. Without feeling like i was killing myself (or wishing I was). Without feeling like i need to cry and sleep for the rest of the day.
Keep watching ❤
Very nice. Be proud, you are doing great😊
lets goooooo
Here you dropped this 👑
Great stuff!!
Huge W king
When I turned 12, I developed a fear of going to public places without my friends. I wasn’t able to make friends easily, even though I used to be extroverted. This helped a lot, thanks! ❤
This is like a list of my coping strategies over decades lol, still anxious. I mean it helps but not a whole lot, enough to keep me there and not wanting to run away but still massively anxious. Like eye contact will always feel like it’s putting a target on your back, but once you calmed down you might be able to not just react to the fear like at the start when you’re super worked up. Confident posture, deep breaths, being present and focusing on senses and observation etc, it’s all the stuff I do to feel calmer and not have a panic attack in a social place but it has its limits, anyone suddenly drawing attention to you for example will still set off another spike each time that feels like a bear is about to slash your face off or you’re being held down and can’t move etc that PANIC feel.
It was fascinating to learn *why* they work though. I always hoped “experience it enough times and you’ll get used to it” but no matter how many times it goes ‘well’ it doesn’t ever seem to sink in. Still gonna try, since you say experience is how our brains learn, I just feel like I’m missing a big piece of the puzzle.
That shoulder tip was great by the way, I usually do something I refer to as splitting my core back up, when I’m anxious my stomach pulls up and my chest gets tight etc, all these different muscles etc are being pulled inwards, so I counteract it by intentionally relaxing my gut (flexing your butt can help) while simultaneously raising my larynx, and fully expanding my lungs, the shoulder thing really falls into place nicely in that
Nobody treats social anxiety as a possible consequence of trauma. For many it doesn't go away even if you learn how to act, your brain just short-circuits in social situations.
One thing about general anxiety that helps is not blaming yourself for it. When were anxious were like “im pathetic for feeling this way” or “how dare i feel this way” which makes it worse because youre fuelling the fear.
Judgement i feel is a big problem with anxiety. And when we don’t judge ourselves we feel a little better imo. Whenever your mind feels this way tell yourself “I’m fine” thats all.
i am actually so happy i am doing most of the stuff dr. k is saying. first day of uni the other day and i really think i did a great impression of my new friends ( i am so happy i can call them that) i really have grown i am so proud of myself im tearing up
For anyone that may struggle with showing a genuine smile, I find it helps me to remember something that made me laugh and then I end up with a natural smile.
How does this work work when you still need to think about what you're saying?
Smiling because you are thinking about something else is the definition of a fake smile.
This is a helpful crutch but be careful. Because you're in your own head again, not in the conversation. You're remembering. You're in the past. You've removed yourself from the room you're in and the people you're with and taken your mind back to some previous time. Ultimately, you need to reach a point where the conversation you're having is itself something that you can smile about. Take an interest in the person that you're talking to. Try to be grateful that you get to talk to so many different interesting people. Once you can appreciate the value that the conversation has to you, you'll find it easy to smile about it.
Thanks. That’s helpful. I figure that if I can use your method to trigger a bit of happiness in the middle of social stress I might eventually come to experience socializing as less immediately/inevitably stressful.
If you're gonna smile at someone, smile cause you're glad you met / you're interacting with that person. Anything else, I learned that ppl can TELL its not genuine. Even kids.
You might not mean it, but ppl can assume that you're fake or "weird"( what the kids say). And in my case when I was in college, sometimes that perceived fakeness can invite HATE / malice towards you cause of those assumptions. Legit, I had a group chat full of malice(insults, making fun, etc) towards me.
Thank you. Been struggling with social anxiety for over a decade now. Ruined my life real good. I'm in the process of rebuilding myself because of it. This video gave me some hope. Because i do see the similarities of your takes in some experiences I've had, if I'm outside with someone I truly feel comfortable with, accepted, it gives me so much reassurance, and I can be the biggest clown in public without even worrying about anything.
My social anxiety is, well, idk, complicated. As said above, it can go away if I'm reassured of being with someone that accepts me, and often i can interact with other human beings for the first time just fine, specially if we are the only people in the room.
But if I'm simply taking a walk, and i gotta pass by an outside of a coffee shop filled with people, well, things start going sideways as soon as i spot them and anticipate it. Or simply being inside a store. Is awful to me.
Also, i feel like my biggest issue with social anxiety is the fact that one of my symptoms is that i quickly start sweating, in my face. I often think so many times that without that factor, i would be so much more courageous to just deal with it and carry on. But is the fact that I'm sweating and people will notice and last thing I know, i have to find an exist asap.
And that's why i prefer winter (even tho it still can happen no matter how freezing it is - but I have more chances to fight it). And if it's really cold, I can just have excuses to hide my bottom face and create my little safe bubble (as I'm aware that some of my anxiety comes from not feeling comfortable with my appearance as well).
And rainy days, not only because rain gives me peace overall for what it is, but also because when it's raining, people are busy thinking about it, and preoccupied in not getting wet, and rushing, etc. And i automatically feel that I'm protected, that no one is paying attention to me.
If anyone reads this and identifies with it and has any tips, please let me know.. I've wasted so many years of my life thanks to this sh*t.
Cognitive behavioral therapy maybe?
I think what would be most helpful for me is a follow up video for people who kind of figured out this part and are able to go through social interactions looking completely normal (by smiling, making eye contact, etc), but struggle with the idea that the other person might be acting nice out of social obligation. I think a big part of Indian culture forces people to act out of social obligation and seeing people smile and talk nicely and then turn around and privately say rude things had a big impact on my anxiety. Hopefully this is coherent feedback!
this is so true. Even though not everyone will do that to you, but I always feel like the other person is faking that shit, and isn't actually enjoying the conversation, and will talk shit about every single mistake I made, umm...
I’m no expert in this at all, but I would say 80% of people you’re talking with probably aren’t doing this- and if they are, it doesn’t matter! You’re getting what you need to get out of the situation (even if they’re faking it) and you can’t let the “what if” or irrational thoughts get to you. Ask yourself why does it matter if they’re faking it? Why does it matter what they think of you? Have you ever had to take a smile/being nice for one reason or another and if so was it because you had a problem with that person or were you just not feeling it that day? It’s really hard to get over that thought process, but just remind yourself that you can’t read minds.
33M. I can definitely say that smiling when you first begin talking to someone definitely is something that makes some folks feel at ease. You'll find they'll often smile back and even remember you for it. I also find that when I start conversation by smiling and asking how they are, it'll loosens the other person up which will make the interaction go smoother for both parties.
The theory crafting portion was like a magnifying class moment for me because I analyze and theorize to point of being overwhelmed to inaction. Which becomes an almost self fulfilling scenario and repeats the cycle of anxiety and low self-esteem.
I've been getting a lot of use from Doctor K and other resources.
I'd like to recommend the book The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest for some healthy reading.
Thanks to GG for his incredibly useful and much needed work.
This is excellent. What I've noticed is that it's a vicious cycle because people who feel anxious, ACT anxious, and other people can notice that, so they give off that nervous vibe and other people pick up on that so they try to avoid the awkward situation of having to talk to someone who's feeling nervous or anxious because other people who are more relaxed and trying to have fun prefer to talk to people who are having a good time and are calm. I'm talking about parties and social situations mostly.
💯 it's a vicious cycle of a self fulfilling prophecy. You fear rejection, so you avoid vulnerability or interaction at all. Then you get lonely, depressed, and left behind which makes it even harder and you begin to self identify as a loser and further down you go.
@@MustbeTheBassestexactly how u feel
@@MustbeTheBassest i figured it out after nights of research i have a very narcissistic controlling mom i thought it was normal how we lived and that i was just being disciplined. if ur parents control your life, dont let u make your own decisions, your always the bad guy, they always try to make it seem like they want the best for you, always yelling and doesnt take responsibility, doesnt listen to you but always wants to be heard. GET OUT THAT HOUSE‼️IF YOUR HOUSE IS TOXIC GET OUT THAT HOUSE
I can personally confirm this advice works. There was one specific instance where I walked into a jazz club with live music and immediately started feeling sad and lonely when I noticed it was mostly a couples night, as a lot of people were paired and dancing together. However, the second I saw my friends (who are a straight couple, so it's not like I was glad to see a bunch of other lonely guys) my bad feelings INSTANTLY disappeared. It was like magic. The way they smiled and beckoned at me made me go from sad, lonely man with a lump in his throat, to beloved friend people were happy to see in the space of a split second. It's not really ideal to have my emotional well-being depend so much on external factors, but that aside, which I'm working really hard on, the way a simple smile and gesture from my friends was able to completely disarm my sadness was incredible
Codependency.
@@ranc1977 sure, let's armchair diagnose people out of a single comment on UA-cam
@@tavrincallas3218 Narcissists usually cannot handle difficult information. They fake pretend to be socially anxious in order to play victim.
Note for myself:
12:35
- roll shoulders back as if you were about to crack an egg with shoulder blades and raise head
- Breathing, slow deep breaths but longer exhalations
- Eye contact (1 second eye contact - looking at something/somewhere neutral) (because you need to get real data from the situation)
- smile as you make eye contact because this automatically makes people smile too
As a child, I used to make eye contact every time, especially when suffering, but everybody looked at me like I was a pitiful creature from another planet. Now I don't look at people anymore.
Those people don't deserve to even look at them. So sorry for you.
@@norapodlasky8278 Thank you. It still stings to think about. 🥺
I just found this channel recently and I'm blown away by how beneficial this content is. Between the interviews and videos like this I'm starting to feel more control over my emotions and the person I'm becoming. Thank you so much!
I was glad to hear you give credit to (other) animals. I've long felt that non-human animals have better social interactions than most of us humans. Many cats and dogs, for example, show eagerness to befriend humans, and they remain non-judgmental and in many cases also helpful to the humans they befriend -- quite the opposite of social anxiety. Thanks for speaking so positively of our animal friends.
I somehow already do all of this when I interact with people, and most times, I do get that social reassurance from people. But even after that, even after so many years, I still struggle with talking to people. It has gotten better for sure, but it is still very difficult on some days, on many days. This video made me think there might be something so inherently broken in me that even after practicing all these things for so long, I have such a hard time being comfortable around people. I feel so sad when I watch people express themselves so freely.. how nice that they didn't learn this fear. How nice it would be to be free enough to just be myself
I also struggle greatly with social anxiety. One thing that has helped me deal with it is recognizing that mostly everyone else are also struggling with their own problems. Even the most outwardly confident, like one of my good buddies, struggles from time to time. Nobody is 100% consistent in their ability to ace every social situation and that’s fine. Don’t be hard on yourself!
If you aren’t already doing this, keeping a journal might help too. Keeping a journal helps organize my feelings and reflect on things in my own space. Maybe it will work for you.
Sorry if it sounds like I’m talking down to you, I don’t mean that. Im just trying to help.
I have struggled with social anxiety in the past. When I'm in a new environment or talking with new people I still have a bit anxiety. What helped me is just practice talking to friends and colleagues and talking with strangers got easier. I think the dr. K are really helpful and I think I'm using them even without thinking about. So the person who is reading this, you can do it! Won't be easy but take it slowly and bit by bit you'll over come it!
Well, I am autistic and that is what I do. I don't generally stay in my phone in social situations, I just....stay. Somewhere. My social anxiety doesn't really get better from eye contact. I am always second-guessing myself because I don't know what triggers people. It's always a horrifying experience to me when they got triggered, since I have sensitive ears. people screaming always make me go overdrive. I want to talk, but I always miss my time in conversation. I can say a "hello, how's it going" with a smile and thats it. End of the conversation. This is not helpful to me. I don't think becoming comfortable with being silent all the time is a good answer, but it is what I came to be.
@Issy Hardy I also have autism and I got to ask...how did you reach the point where you no longer feel insecure about "autism dumping" as that's been one of my biggest fears/things I avoid for most of my life? Mainly due to being afraid of bothering people with stuff they don't care about (and by extension seeming inconsiderate...tho this depends on context) and looking bad by not being able to "read the room" per say...
My special interests tend to be media related (with the exception of philosophy but even then that's pretty abstract for most people)...video games, internet culture, analysis videos, anime ect...but I feel off about bringing that up...especially if the person is not media savvy! Even if said person is savvy, I'm afraid of going to "in the details" about it as I sometimes feel compelled to do (doesn't help that I've had a past friend who really didn't like how I viewed things).
Another reason I feel off about bringing it up is cause I know its not "important" in any sense...but I worry that if I go too detailed the other person might thing I care TOO much than nessesary. As in "bro do you not get basic life details? Why are you questioning the specific intricacies of how this character in this fictional story decided to do this when you can just look at the action itself and jump to the simplest conclusion and it'll probably be right?" (my answer to that would because we are human and don't always know exactly how we'll act on our emotions...tho it seems most people nowadays try their best to ignore that...but I suppose that only adds to my desire to connect with people on a deep level when I get the chance)
...anyways it is for that reason I try to share a frame of reference with the person I am talking to in order to avoid me overthinking abstract stuff...cause it causes my mind to be too stiff...I can't take any jokes...and things will get too serious to quickly...hence why I handle irl talks better than phone calls...
But...as you can see...that goes against the grain of "autism dumping"...since my solution is just to avoid it altogether.
I suppose solution would actually be to keep this system in place, and with people I trust...trust that in proper context I can dump stuff and be ok (I tend to overthink what they think of what I say...even tho logically I know they aren't putting as much thought into what I say! Again...why I like a shared frame of reference so I'm more likely to ignore/not care about it)
Or/And...
Find new interests that people will find more useful. Tho I suppose that says a lot about me...that my interests tend to be things most people wouldn't take interest in...because I don't naturally fit in with normal people I never learned things that they would find useful...
and like...that's not really a bad thing in isolation. I guess it just means I haven't really found where I belong yet...I just got a handful of friends but honestly they've all mostly moved on with their lives so I see them kinda sporatically. I've tried considering making youtube videos but...lets just say I projected a lot...and while some of the ideas I have are good on paper...the act of making it real takes way too much mental strain when contrasted with an internet addiction that inevitiably was coupled with it when I tried my hardest to make YT vids a reality (thankfully its lesser now...partially thanks to me taking up mediation about a year ago).
Ironically I guess that whole situation made me realize it was more than media that connected me with my friends...and I've been trying to focus on those things instead.
So maybe I am going in the right direction...sort of...sorry I just had to get this off my chest. I'm kinda surprised how cleanly I explained my situation given how messy its been for the past couple of years at the very least. I guess I just was put into a state of shock due to seeing someone who also has autism use the opposite approach I did and somehow making it work!
My method might be fine for me...idk but well see...but I guess I'm still a bit curious how you managed it! lol :P
@@Alienrun not OP, but I just had to say thank you for your vulnerability in sharing. It is really hard to manage social situations and talking about interests. It’s all a balancing game, you know? I know one thing I do is keep it reciprocal. I try to make sure that both of us are talking/sharing things roughly the same amount. So I might talk for a couple minutes, and then say, “yeah, so what do you think of that?” Prompting them gently for a response. Then I listen to what they have to say and then go back to what I have to say. We bounce back and forth. For this reason, it often doesn’t stay on exactly one subject. It changes with each exchange from one person to another.
I also try to really listen and pay attention to what they are saying. It feels a lot more “fair” and secure to rant for 15 min when you have already listened to and validated your friend ranting for 15 min haha. For example, they are telling me something, and I show I am listening by making some small responses as they talk: “mmm” “oh I see” “wow!” “Ugh. No way” and so on. I also will ask them questions about what they are saying to show I care, like “how did that make you feel?” Or “when you say xyz, is that like zyx?” Things like that
Damn bro. I think I might have undiagnosed autism. Because I relate highly to you.
I really appreciate the eye contact advice. While talking to someone, I always fight the urge to look away even for a while, even if it feels natural, because I feel pressured to maintain eye contact at all times.
Just be yourself, don't follow other people's rules. If you are not comfortable making eye contact, don't.
As some one who's had SA my whole life, I've discovered it to be symptom of my of early life trauma. I was neglected by family and severely bullied. So my nervous system learned to associate socializing with pain and danger.
Even now as a 38yr old 6'3" 225llb man, It's still something I battle with every day.
I've spent over $10k on therapy and coaching and I'm still struggling to make friends and start a relationship.
People are shocked to hear it since I've lost a lot of weight and started dressing a little nicer.
But the truth is it's hard to retrain you're body to not enter that flight/fight/freeze response.
From what i can tell. It requires having both healthy relationships and healthy self esteem. Which feels impossible at first. But if you start slow and focus on it, it gets easier as you progress.
Started anxiety when I was 15. At 31, it didnt get better and I have given up now, tried too hard.
Same situation here. It came out when I started smoking week at 15. Now I’m 25, completely clean from drugs and alcohol, yet the social anxiety anxiety is still there.
I know, I’m not adding any value to the conversation, I just wanted to share my experience.
You’re not alone brother
My problem is not really with the social situation, but kind of before. It’s like a fear of confrontation in some sense. Being with a bigger group of friends is not a problem, but if I am in a smaller group or 1 on 1 and haven’t met those people solo for a while I fear that it will be awkward or boring. And in general it is hard for me to confront people as in asking for help or something or even just planning a meeting. Because of that I just end up not initializing any social stuff and rely on others asking/inviting me.
I love telling people you only develop good instincts by using them, stop thinking, just do stuff, try stuff, talk to people. You're not "just bad at it", you just haven't done it enough AND EMBRACED FAILURE TO LEARN FROM IT enough to get good at it. I only know this because I had to learn it for myself as an adult
8:49 I own a pendant necklace that has a small hole in it. I wear it around my neck daily and when I start feeling socially anxious, I breathe through it. It creates slow and controlled breathing that helps me calm down. It may make me feel lightheaded if used a lot but that's okay ☯️
This is all great advice, but it's worth remembering that not everyone will smile back at you, and that can be upsetting.
As someone who has briefly, and mildly (super casual smile IMO) smiled at almost every person I walk past in my small town, I find that most don't smile back, and it is heartbreaking, but there's obviously things going on for them too, so trying to not blame yourself, or what you're doing, that's super important.
You're trying to be kind by smiling at someone as you walk by, there's nothing bad about that ❤
I thought I had SAD but after spending some time on forums, I've realized that I more than likely just suffer from generalized anxiety. I do get anxiety in social situations, but it rarely ever gets to the point where it freezes me up. I've found that being more social in general helps me out in every following social interaction I have. I kind of equate it to going to the weight room and progressively overloading my social skills. My main problem is, although I'm not diagnosed, I believe that I suffer from moderate-mild depression, so I go in spurts where it's just EXHAUSTING to socially engage with people and I need to isolate. Everytime I do this, my social skills decline because I need to constantly be putting in the "social work" to maintain some baseline level of functional social skills. At times it feels like a constant cycle of 2 steps forward and 3 steps back
It is a really bad idea to diagnose ourselves.
Better idea is to get education about psychology.
When we have wrong impressions about defining emotions - we won't know what we feel - and we might start putting labels randomly - and then end up with wrong "diagnosis" and stigma and drama and fixes which actually do not apply to us at all.
Yes, Dr. K is right for a number of reasons. Please don't be that person at the party or social situation stuck on their phone. People will not engage and you will seem stand-offish/boring to others. People are on their phone so much as it is, don't go to a party to do that; do that at home. I know it can suck, I've always been socially anxious but if you push through it and talk with people and open up, you'd be surprised what fun you can have and what interesting people you'll meet.
I struggle a lot with remembering people's faces. On many occasions now I've introduced myself to people who I've had multiple extended conversations with in the past. On some of these occasions, I could see how hurt they were by the fact that I didn't remember them (I did remember them obviously and the conversations, just not their face, but they don't know that). This is the primary reason that I get socially anxious. I'm absolutely terrified about everyone at a party because any one of them could be someone who's face I've forgotten and who's going to get really upset when they come over and say hi. What can I do? Standing tall ain't gonna help.
Yo same problem here haha.
I find remembering people's personalities way easier than their faces lol
I thought I was the only person with this problem. I have actually said to people in the past that I'm sorry i find it difficult to remember faces.
Say that you forget faces to anyone you meet the first time during introductions. They won’t mind it later when you do forget
GREAT video!! I struggled for a really long time with social anxiety and social awkwardness. especially growing up with two older autistic brothers and learning all of my social queues from them lol, honestly really thankful for it as an adult now because I have cool niche interests thanks to them.
it was only when I first got my job in the games industry and had to move from connecticut all the way to oregon, alone, that I realized I HAD to get over my social anxiety if i were to thrive in a completely new part of the country, in my first real industry job as an artist. a lot of tips and points you touched on this were very similar to what I had done.
In my personal case, the main thing that helped me was forcing myself to go out every friday, I found a friendly local brewery and just would go there, have one drink and really implemented this "fake it til I make it" mentality of TELLING myself I was a friendly confident social person.. it may have taken years, but now I'm living in Los Angeles and ironically I'm doing the best socially I've ever done; you find that in these cool, nerdy social spaces, there's so many amazing people you can connect with if you can just stay present and focus on the people you're talking to & both of your shared interests, rather than allowing yourself to focus on the inner fears/doubts. Those feelings are still there, but I've learned how to not focus on them and they've really shrunken down as my confidence has grown.
As someone who hasn't really ever struggled with social interaction (I think I'm quite natural at it actually), this was still helpful to listen to because I was feeling pretty hopeless about my interactions today with a girl at work that I like. But she smiles and laughs easily when talking to me, so listening to this kind of told me to stop overthinking it and just go about my day.
Overthinking is not something that goes away.
If we have high IQ, it is totally normal to over-think. IT would be a crime that we dumb ourselves down just for the sake of groupthink herd mentality and neurotypical explanations about what is suppose to be "normal" Thinking.
I love this channel. It has been so so so helpful. I used to go to therapy but can't afford it anymore, so while this is not a substitute for therapy, it still helps me understand concepts I struggle with better, and guide me in a positive direction that I can handle on my own. Thanks Dr.K!
If we do not learn in therapy how to trust our own brain and be our own guide - it was not a good therapy to begin with.
Found stoicism & it’s damn near gone from a skill to 1-10 my social media was a 2…wasn’t always like this was shy as a kid grew out of it then broke out of it & at 26 landed a big time corporate job and was around alot of people in the army/navy & police force and me just landed the job fresh off the street cause I was determined it made me feel real dumb when speaking after 6 years found stoicism like last month and it’s almost gone I’m like a 8 now just getting it totally out my system now …let’s go people we got this 💪🏾
Best channel I've recently found
I’ve had social anxiety for YEARS, starting since elementary school. It wasn’t until recently that I learned meditation that my mind learn to just be quiet, and it’s a really nice feeling. I still get it pretty badly when I’m hanging out with ppl outside of my home or work, but it’s still improved so much. I just need exposure therapy now, but I will definitely use this advice and keep getting better!
Desde que cumplí los 18 tenía como meta ser una persona socialmente activa, sufriendo mucho de ansiedad a la hora de entablar cualquier tipo de relación durante mi adolescencia. Estoy a punto de cumplir 22 años y aprender a lidiar con las emociones a través del lenguaje corporal me ha ayudado mucho estos años, puedo entablar conversaciones fácilmente con gente que recién conozco, y también procesar mis emociones dentro de mis relaciones de forma sana; también en la universidad sirve mucho para que te tomen más en serio, es cosa de mostrarse auténtica. Tus vídeos válidan mi proceso de autodescubrimiento dr K, tanto como me hacen cuestionarme sobre muchas otras cosas. Buen contenido en buen formato!
Yo tengo 31! Osea soy ya una adulta por Dios y sigo con una ansiedad social terrible, crecí en un ambiente donde siempre se burlaban de mí, Cabe mencionar que sumado a eso modo 1.74 y viviendo en México desde la adolescencia cuando conocía gente , veces aún me pasa lo primero que la gente me dice es: " ay mija estas enorme, que super alta" etc etc realmente eso me ha hecho aislarme más, parecería algo muy tonto pero cuando salgo me encorvo me tiemblan las manos a veces, me he salido de trabajar etc en fin estoy en proceso de lidiar con esto y me da gusto que tú ya hayas mejorado Saludos :)
so true. i regularly find myself staring off into the distance thinking ugh the people around me are probably looking at me funny or they've noticed i'm being quiet and think i'm rude etcetc but when i force myself to look at them they're often relaxed or smiling or not even looking my way. if i'm nervous about meeting someone and i don't look at them i think the same sort of thing, but when i do look i can see that they're a little nervous too and that somehow reassures me, we both care. LOOK AT PEOPLE
The smell thing might be a joke but doing 'the rock thing' where you just inhale deeply and then focus on the smell, which is actually a very powerful sense, does help me. It kinda resets my breathing for a moment AND makes me focus on being in the moment, my senses etc. to get me out of my thinking.
i thought you were going to say you enter the room like the rock, DO YOU SMELLLLLLLL...
@@silenthicks oh yeah I did mean like that kinda, deep inhale, eyes closed
Amazing tips, on smiling and posture, breathing.
I just feel somewhat sad thinking that even the social reassurance context you gave is one that I don't react well. My perfectionist paralysis is of a kind that sometimes it seems that among close friends it gets worse, not better than with strangers. I feel the need to prove my worth even more, with these people whom I love so much.
Getting a "come here!" sign of a friend sometimes can be a source of anxiety, by fear of them faking it, or especially a fear of failing to be what I feel they deserve.
I have a fucked up form of social anxiety that is more extreme with the people I'm close to than with strangers. I have it with absolutely everyone in my life. My mum, dad, siblings, closest friends. It has crept into literally every relationship I have.
How it starts is that I get this feeling that there's some discomfort or awkwardness with a person I know, then I start to obsess over that feeling and I become terrified that it won't go away. Then whenever I'm around the person, I get an intense feeling of anxiety and dread, which then leads me to start acting weirdly, which results in genuine discomfort and awkwardness in the relationship. I've lost basically all my relationships this way. Now when I'm around the people I love, I feel zero connection. All I feel is existential dread and anxiety.
I would do anything to go back to just being shy and terrified of strangers. Being terrified of being around the people you love literally feels like torture.
I'm terribly sorry to hear that you're going through an awful time with social anxiety, especially with the people you care about the most in life, it's important to know that you're not alone in facing these challenges.
Social anxiety can manifest in various ways and it's not your fault, please consider seeking professional help such as therapy or counseling, as they can provide strategies to manage and overcome this anxiety, in the meantime try to communicate your feelings with your loved ones as hard as it may seem, it's not impossible friend, sharing your struggles with them may help them understand what you're going through and offer support. Please remember, you don't have to face this alone, and there are resources available to assist you in regaining a sense of connection and ease in your relationships.
P.S. I understand that overcoming social anxiety can be incredibly challenging, in addition to seeking help, considering trying something unconventional but empowering, taking cold showers in the morning. It's a daily practice that can make you feel unconquerable. As stoicism teaches, 'The obstacle is the way.' Here are a few stoic quotes that might help your case my friend.
1. 'The key is to keep company with only people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.' -- Epictetus
2. 'Man is affected, not by events, but by the view he takes of them.' -- Epictetus
3. 'We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.' -- Seneca
Please do remember, it's about the small steps towards progress, you've got this my friend.
It's about the experiences and journey rather than where we end up, take your time I believe in you
Goddamn I used to feel like that too. I've never seen anyone else put it into words or even mention it.
ur just like me
@@ihsan2837 pretty fucked huh :(
have you found anything that helps?
@@SolarJakee nah and honestly rn school is the worst place for me too but i also feel out of place at home but all i can really do is deal with it
I'm not avoiding eye contact because I'm too anxious or awkward - I'm not making eye contact because I'm actually listening to you. If I try making eye contact I become too focused on the correct amount of it that I will stop listening.
This totally works where I was raised in Canada but when I moved to northern Germany, smiling at strangers and asking shop attendants "hi, how are you today?" gave me some weird responses---even though it was totally normal to me. They don't do that here and had no idea how to react to my openness. Once, I smiled at my neighbor and she asked why I was laughing at her. I had clarify that I was just smiling to be friendly.😅This gave me social anxiety, because I had no idea how to behave in this new place. It took many years to get used to it and feel like I could be myself again.
I get you my advice for you is to just keep doing you, if you don't want to be constantly battling yourself. Even if someone gets weirded out you can't let them control what you do. You just gotta be like "yeah I love smiling" and be confident
I like Germans now because they seem genuine and not fake smiling
"you are prob watching this video alone in your room" really hit because Dr K is so correct lmao. As soon as I saw a video of yours on social anxiety, I knew I had to find out more on how I can develop myself to fix it. It is stopping me from having a social life with people I do not know and want to learn more about. Lets hope I can make it out!
I have a technique that works in some cases. I tell myself: "I will go to someone and talk about something - then I will laugh at the fact that I looked like an idiot." The very fact that I'm starting a conversation brings a smile to my face because I feel like I'm not having a serious conversation, I'm just trolling people. 😆 sometimes it works
Omg Ur amazing Dr. K! i tried the tips from this video when i went into a coffee shop and i shocked myself at how relaxed i became. For the first time in litteral YEARS i was able to walk to the coffee shop and order something AND talk to the cashier without having an anxiety attack or crying..who knew that these fairly simple tips could make social anxiety just poof into thin air lol, it litterally disappeared, not completly but i'd say like 90%. So thx so so much im glad i came across your video bcos you just made me unlearn like YEARS of bad coping habits. Hopefully these tips will also fix my social awkwardness now aswell.. xD Anyways, god bless you Dr. K :)
@EYRM9 Amen!
I’ll give it a shot. I’m really starting to get my shit together in terms of mental health and I wanna start focusing more on socialization, especially with women since that’s where I struggle the most. I can start friendships with other men pretty easily
I’m in the same boat 🚤 as you and I ignore women I don’t know
wow, what a great rminder to come back to my body and check in with my actual reality. i'm so anxious about performing new tasks at my job that i don't even notice how i imagine so many negative outcomes for myself. it's high time i slowed down, breathed deep and stretched my back
I'm 25 years old. The only kiss I got was a truth or dare one in highschool. Getting in shape has helped my body language a lot. While I'm out I don't use my phone 99% of the time. Strangers don't return my smiles.... they're neutral, and of course they are because they got their own lives to deal with.
My fondest social interaction in my life was standing up to a bully, the bully was my dad. I got my chin up though, I think.
I feel for you, I hope things get better for you. I'm 26 and struggling a lot. Smiling/eyecontact/ staying off my phone is just not enough...
@@bubbashrimp Thank you! I hope they do too for you! All the things you mentioned I do do with my guy friends when we go out, but all experiences feel flat when looking back at them. Not just with my friends but with family as well. Can't recall the last time I felt excited about being in a social situation with family or friends, they just feel like things you do, like brushing your teeth for example.
I feel you. I also have 26 years old, I have my own kind of hard challenges, but social interaction is something my anxiety and perfectionism feeds a lot on. Deeply paralizing, life stops being worth living.
What I can say, considering what I learned until today, and by what you wrote, is the value that vulnerability can have. We learn, we get opportunities, we reach new limits, from being vulnerable. It's how I try to accept my own limitations and how I get to learn, when perfectionism would get me paralized.
Cheers mate, I hope you'll reach new heights for your well-being in these coming times 😁
@@bubbashrimp im 17 and i feel you. I have been forcing myself into social situations, having conversations with people before i learned about smiling/eyecontact thing. after I learned that though, I realize that when you make eyecontact and smile, you become more approachable and it makes social situations alot easier to get into. I dont think its supposed to cure it, it just inhibits the overthinking caused by anxiety.
2:35 Dang he called me out perfectly
Mom was right... Phone was the problem the whole time
This has a lot of great points. What I think is missing is the difference between animals and people with social anxiety is that animals are using all these cues to figure out the other and determine if this other is safe. For socially anxious humans, we desperately seek reassurance and that can make it difficult to properly be aware of like body language and of our own. The point of social interaction is not to get reassurance, but to find others that are good for you.
My social anxiety has gotten so bad as I grow into my later 20s, I’m 27 now and I don’t have an issue talking to people I have an issue with being in a crowded gym and people being in my way and I don’t mind asking them to work in but the anticipation in the drive to the gym just knowing it’s gonna be full of high school kids and someone’s on every single thing I need to use but once I get there I’m usually over thinking it and I just base it off every bad day I’ve had at the gym I’m expecting it to be that bad every time I have to go at peak hours and it has literally driven me to go extremely early to avoid everyone and any thought of people being in the way or just being near me I hate being around alot of people I don’t know.
I guess sometimes moms are right about “that damn phone”
No but I have massive social anxiety and it seriously does help to just bring your head and eyes upward and look around you. I get social anxiety when in a restaurant. I’m sitting at a table and I usually look at the ground or the table and look up for a bit then go back. But if you force yourself to look behind you, up at the ceiling, look at the environment first if it’s too intimidating to look at people. Then I look at people’s backs, and THEN I stare at someone who’s facing my direction and then quickly look away. Then I stare at another person for a few more seconds etc. This will seriously relax you and it’ll feel like the chains of anxiety get loosened up.
Bold of you to assume I’ve ever been invited to or shown up to a party. I went all through school and college without making any friends, and I haven’t left my house more than once a week for the last three years since I started working from home.
Please please please make more more social anxiety content… as I needed that the most!!
When I was in hospital, for depression, one of the doctors there showed us the location of 2 glans on our spine. One adrenal gland and another one associated with a calming hormone. He pointed out that the adrenal gland is pretty high up on our spine and is stimulated when you breath with your chest, and the other one was in a good position to be stimulated when you breath with you stomach.
The conclusion of this being that if you are looking to calm down, it help if you focus on breathing with your stomach rather than your chest.
This in addition to breathing slower and drinking milk etc.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
00:00 🧠 Social anxiety often leads to overthinking and excessive worrying about what others think, making social situations challenging.
01:25 🦁 Animals can handle social interactions without overthinking, relying on natural instincts and non-verbal cues.
03:16 🧘 Social anxiety is not just a cognitive issue but also involves perception and physiology.
07:40 🌬️ To reduce social anxiety physiologically, stand up straight, roll shoulders back, and practice slow breathing with a focus on long exhalations.
09:28 👀 Make brief and intermittent eye contact in social situations to receive reassuring feedback from others.
11:33 😃 Smiling is essential; it helps create a positive feedback loop during social interactions, making you feel more at ease.
14:20 🔄 Practice these techniques in neutral situations to build confidence and reduce social anxiety over time.
Made with HARPA AI
I had social anxiety from early childhood, and I got rid of it on my own by reading books about it at the age of 40.
So, what is social anxiety? It's basically a lack of confidence. You feel you're judged by others, you're constantly analyzing what others think about you, and this is what's paralyzing you. When you gain confidence, social anxiety disappears.
This is what worked for me: talk to anyone. On the street, in the store or gym, anywhere. Fear not, most people are very friendly, happy to be approached. You will see that many people are shy or submissive. So, compared to them, you look very confident, which makes you more confident. What was an intimidating situation for you is not scary anymore because you've done it so many times.
Personally, I never had any problems with the actual conversation. I'm pretty good with people... IF I ever decide to interact with them. THAT'S the real issue for me. As a person with AvPD I cannot overcome the hurdle of even making a choice to meet anyone or go anywhere. But once I'm there, I'm fine. I can talk to others normally, but I can never get myself to initiate that contact first. Especially if it's about new people I never met before.
THIS.
Same. I don’t know if I technically have AvPD but I’d rather just avoid people most of the time because I find it exhausting when I’m around others too much. Part of it is my natural introversion, which I don’t think is a bad thing but sometimes I need to want to be social more often. I’m actually a good conversationalist for the most part but a lot of people bore me with their typical conversation topics.
Literaly me
Something that really helped me, was asking people's name before talking. I enter the store, go to the person: "Excuse me, what's your name?" You will notice people will get SUPER OUT OF GUARD and some of them will even get confused. Then you proceed: "My name is William, nice to meet you. Could you please xxxxxxx". It is so MAGIC how people shift from "WTF he asked my name" to "oh wow this dude is so polite". This completely changes the tone of the conversation. Worked greatly for me
I realize that I feel lonely, even though I have friends. It's because I don't feel comfortable during any social interaction, and so all of my conversations and thus relationships are fairly shallow. When a relationship with a "friend" is very shallow -- even if I've known them for years -- then it very much feels like I have no friend at all. It's a nasty situation to be in, because objectively I do have friends and, objectively, I am not alone. And yet, subjectively, I am very alone.
im the same way. it's reassuring to at least not feel alone in those feelings of loneliness. i hope you can learn to be more comfortable around your friends so you can truly be yourself
Man I needed this. Super worried if i dont stop this ill lose everyone. My anxiety is bad. Thank you.
This approach is beyond interesting. I like how you narrowed all the reasons of social anxiety into one category while giving multiple advice to deal with it. I still have one question though. People who you spend a lot of time with, for example classmates, coworkers, people who regulary see that you're socially struggling and as a result, they don't talk to you, treat you differently, can you become so social and confident to get a better relationship with them? Or will they always behave differently around you because they know your past? Is it actually possible to break out of years of anxiety you felt around these people? This is what I'm dealing with and have been trying to change things for a year now with no success. Everytime I tried I felt that I was judged and probably because they knew that I wouldn't just go out and socialize. And I always feel this way even if I don't interact with them by choice but because of some task. How to get that reassurance when the people aren't willing to give it to me? I don't know if I should put any more effort in this or just give it up and be happy with those few friends I still have left.
handshakes are so passe, now we have armpit smelling. Thank you DrK!
been having a lot of anxiety at work lately. i kind of brush it off thinking that the adrenaline is good for keeping me on my toes on lunch or dinner rushes, but its been affecting my relationships at work at the same time, so this video is actually perfect timing for me! will definitely implement these techniques from now on to try and be friendlier and bond with coworkers :)
Practical solution for social anxiety :
1) Push your shoulders back and stand up straight : it will expand your lungs and allow you breath deeply
2) Breath slowly : it will make you feel less panicked
3) Make eye contact : for brief periods of time (3 secs is good) , try to be at a 45° angle to the person so that you can look at them and then look to a neutral area easily.
4) Smile : others will smile back when you smile at them due to how are brains functions (mirroring )
5) Practice how you are going to approach someone by combining all the above steps
(Watch the video for the explanation, this is just to refer to later)
Here's some personal advice. Although like dr.k said theory crafting can only get you so far , i think combining all the practical steps and doing some cognitive work at the same time is the best way to deal with this issue. So here's something I like to remind myself from time to time - All of us humans are basically the same at the core, we have the same physiology, the same desires, needs, goals, wishes. Our essence is the same, we may vary on the surface level but on a deep existential level we're one and the same.
Ponder over this for some time and you'll realise this to be true and that will help you be more confident and relaxed while talking to others.
Thank you Dr. K for all these videos, you’re helping us more than any other therapist could
Too much ableism for my taste.
I used to not be able to ever make eye contact with people but what helped me a lot is I would just watch UA-cam videos of people talking into the camera and I would just make eye contact with them while understanding everything they say. Now making eye contact in real conversations is something I almost always do
Something I've struggled with is replaying in my head any negative social interactions I've had that day. "I shouldn't have said this... this was a dumb idea..." When it happens, it's like I think I'm preparing myself for socializing pitfalls. Like, how you mentioned theory-crafting. But, it just makes the anxiety even worse next time. I dropped out of college the first time I tried because of how bad my social anxiety was.
Toxic shame and trauma being unprocessed.
My tactic for eye contact is: Look at the person speaking to you. When it is your turn to speak, look up at the sky (like you're thinking about what to say), say what's on your mind, and before the end of the sentence, look at the person again (signaling that you are about to finish your statement).
I've found that the most important thing is to surrender to the fact that the worst case scenario isn't going to hurt me. I might die of embarrassment, lose a chance with a woman, or make a group dislike me, but I'll still go home that night, eat dinner, and sleep safe in my bed. The worst case scenario is still safe. When system 2 let's system 1 know that through a visualization, I feel much more like people.
I've found that approach helpful with insomnia, too. Won't help too much in the moment, but can definitely put things in perspective in the lead-up to the trigger.
1. smell each other lmao
2. social re-assurance (smiles, eye contact, relaxation, feel loved n cared for somehow to disarm inner critique)
3. stand up straight, breathe slowly w long exhalation, make eye contact for 1 sec n look away, smile
If you've got a few hours to set aside, I highly recommend reading "How To Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie. It's a bit dated at some parts, but the general principles still hold up very well. But don't solely rely on the book. Without a doubt you should get through your workbooks and talk to your therapist as well.
What i love the most about this video is that in the first minutes he gave me all the information i need to get better.
Use your instincts and feelings, not your brain.
I'm glad there is someone who is teaching us how to be a normal human and how to do normal human stuff😆
He's great at teaching us how to be human
I will say, I had really bad social anxiety with entering grocery stores and anything neutrally social; and at some point decided that wasn't going to be acceptable for a fulfilling future. So I started smiling, and practicing smiling in these situations. It started a little awkward for the first 1-2 trips, but after that genuinely changed how I felt other people percieved me. :)
Thank you Dr. K, as a autistic man that has been struggling with social anxiety for more than 10 years, this video is really helpful, I will try every tip you gave in it.
I am not sure why you find it helpful, since it is quite ableist video, it does not mention neurodivergency at all as concept.
@@ranc1977 There are aspects of social anxiety that are not mutually exclusive between "normal" and neurodivergent people, when talking about them, some advices are in fact helpful as long as I keep my own traits in mind.
@@Kiitesh But that is the central problem:
that we end up thinking that we are abnormal and inept (toxic shame) and hence we need advice from other people (external locus of control).
This way we are ordered and controlled and manipulated and we are taught to coercive control - we will expect this is standard way of thinking - and we will end up with codependency issues.
Piaget said the best way to learn is to give a child tools - and when we tell the child what to do - we take away child's ability to use their own intelligence.
Who says that we might not have better ideas than other people are talking about?
@@ranc1977 You're really insightful in this topic, I'm a little bit lost trying to find my own point here... But well, I guess I feel lost and I'm just looking for help... any help really, and identifying as an autistic person is kinda new to me, since it hasn't been even a year since my diagnostic, my family didn't even think about the possibility, I just had to discover it by myself, but I'll consider what you said, thanks!
@@Kiitesh We need to be careful with diagnosis and labels - it carries self fulfilling prophecies.
Instead of following our intuition and common sense - we might end up aligning ourselves with someone else's definitions and rules which really do not apply to us or given situation.