BTW the caller was awesome. He seems like such a caring father to his daughter that is approaching this with an open heart and open mind. Seems like a real gem of a father, the daughter is lucky to have him as a father.
Yes and no. I think he's too worried about what his daughter thinks and some kids will manipulate their parents to this way nowadays. I can't actually believe she thinks they should pay for a wedding!
I love how little judgement he puts on his daughter. But I gotta say a lot of this is just them wanting to have sex ASAP. They’re probably religious and have told them they can’t have sex til they’re married. This is what happens when you raise them with those beliefs-this is the other side of that.
My husband and I started dating at 17 (following an 11 year friendship.) We were dating with intention and within 6 months had covered all the bases on morals, values, beliefs, boundaries, and the important things we want out of life. When he was medically discharged from the corps and came home to work as a mechanic, we were engaged and married within the year. He was already working, and I had already secured several scholarships that more than covered my schooling. I’m about to graduate college now and am 8 months pregnant with our first child. I am so thankful for him and for the life we have together. Having said that, we did have a small wedding and we’re not completely cut off from our parents financially, though we were prepared to be. No matter their age, if someone wants to be married but also wants their parents to fund their lifestyle, they’re setting themselves up for failure.
I met my husband my senior of high school. The day we met, my mom said, you have to graduate college before you get married. A man can leave you but your education won't. I honored my mother and got married a week after college graduation, married 22 years! I'm thankful for my mother's wisdom!
If you can't wait four years, you're not right for each other. Education is everything. You'll be a better partner, worker, citizen and parent if you can support yourself if the marriage fails. It happens.
I’m soooooooooo glad I didn’t marry the girl I thought I was going to marry at 17. God blessed me with an almost perfect woman at age 24 😉. My brother, however, did get married at 19 and wife 18. They have a wonderful life and 3 great kids. It isn’t about the age, it’s about the people involved in the marriage.
Exactly! I married at 18. 8 months after we met. Now married 44 years. I will say I knew once I turned 18 I had to have a job with health insurance. Kids today can stay on there parents insurance till 26. It’s a whole different world out there now. Most kids today are not that mature, like it was back 30, 40 years ago.
@@judyczyz1297 I think that's the difference - if you're financially independent and prepared to live on your own as a self-sustaining unit, that's a different situation than dependents basically playing at marriage.
I’m 39 and I’ve been with my wife since I was 17. Best decision I’ve ever made. I 100% agree with you that it’s the people involved and not the age that matters.
My daughter, at 16 came home one night with a promise ring from her 18 year old boyfriend. I hardly took it seriously. But 2 years later at 18 and 20 they were married. They have been married now for 18 years, and they have the best behaved 5 children. He fought his way through school and has become a partner in his accounting firm. Our daughter has been able to be a stay at home mom. They are as happy as can be. I hate how acceptable it is now days to be in your 30's (40's) and still not be fully responsible and capable.
My daughter has had a promise ring for the past two years. She got it on her 16th birthday. She and her boyfriend have been together for two and a half years. I know they’ll get married one day, but they both want to finish college first. They’re in no rush.
I totally agree! I have seen too many cases where people lose that special someone because they have to wait until they are 28-30yrs old to marry...or they rush and marry the wrong person at 28-30yrs old because they don't want to be "too old". Why is it better to spend your young years in typically serially monogamous relationships, having sex, and staying at each other's apartments or even living together a long time unmarried because one is "too young to marry"? The damage done from doing this and waiting without a good reason is worse in my opinion. I got engaged to my husband at 21yrs and married at 22yrs. We met in nursing school getting our bachelor's degrees and married immediately after we graduated. Have been married 17yrs and have a 13yr old son. We both agree we actually wish we had met younger. We both came from divorced homes and we helped each other survive financially as well as emotionally through college. Both of us coming from divorced homes made us very convicted in staying married, and in wanting to create the security in our adult lives we never had as children.
Most 18 year Olds today should not be married and you are right waiting into well into your 30s may not work out especially fertility wise but it does for some people. Good thing people like your daughter have the freedom so don't judge the orher side as well
@@jonathanmartin2360 It's not contradictory. He's usually dealing with older people and telling people that if they aren't willing to marry each other, they shouldn't marry their finances. The younger people he's spoke to, he's suggested to reach their career goals before getting married and before marrying their finances. Watch more of his videos. Op is overexaggerating
I started dating my wife when I was 19 and she was 17. We knew we weren’t close developmentally to being ready to make that kind of commitment. When we finally got married six years later, there was not a doubt in anyone’s mind that we were meant for each other, and there hasn’t been a doubt in the 30 years since. All the people I know who got married too early did it because they were told they couldn’t have sex or live together until they did.
That kind of reminds me of the new term NATO dating: Not Attached to an Outcome Dating is the catchy new way to say take dating mindfully and don't push things too fast. Just like you did.
İf you are all in it you give ypor 100% to make it work which is a must for any relationship or marriage to work. Marriage because of the mindset and commitment sets you up success and relationship because of the lack of these sets you up for failiure.
Funny. Almost all the people I know who got married too early WERE already having sex. They were also too arrogant to listen to family and friends telling them about the blatant red flags in the relationship.
It's not that they can't get married, but in being married, that means they are a new independent unit from both sets of parents. If they require to be financially supported then they're not ready. To be married means you are a new unit, completely cleaved from parental support. New privileges, but a whole new set of responsibilities individually and as a couple. I felt ready to be married at 20, but that was because I had been making my own money since I was 15. I got myself my own scholarship to university, I was running my own life, doing my own taxes, paying for and driving my own car. I started buying and saving my own household items for my eventual home at 15 and my Mum allowed me to use half her attic space as storage. I also only dated one guy before my husband, because I also only had a view of dating for the purpose of marriage. Ultimately, I ended up marrying at 22.
Agree with you on the financials. Also, dating SHOULD be for the purpose of finding a spouse. People screw around too much today (pun somewhat intended) and that’s why I believe we have so much divorce.
I met my husband at 14, married right after my 19th birthday (6 months after high school graduation). I made it through college easily. We just had our firstborn child at 25 years old but have two amazing teens through foster care, one has an adoption date coming up in February! We’re very happy in our unconventional family.
I wanted to marry my high school sweetheart, too, but we waited til the middle of college. It was a good thing b/c we were able to test our relationship in the “real world” and it needed it. We ended up fighting for our relationship during those dating-in-college years, and we’re about to celebrate 10 years of marriage in May!
My advice would be to COACH them. They CAN make it if you prepare them. Support and training are what they need. They don’t know what they don’t know. It’s the parents’ job to teach them! Sounds like the dad on this call knows that, but I wanted to throw it out there.
A parent can't give a crash course to a 17 year old child to do all the growing up that the next eight years of life experience would provide though, there's no way to make that personal growth that happens by age 25 other than living it yourself. Don't you remember being a teenager? You think your parents are morons and that you're the smartest person in the world who has everything figured out. Then you go to college and have to do your own laundry, wake yourself up on time, and pay your own bills, and you realize life is a lot harder than you thought. These kids will learn the hard way, and it's better that they do that learning without making the mistake of legally tying themselves to each other. They'll be responsible for 100% of each other's college loans for example if they marry now, so the consequences of "oops, actually we should get a divorce" can be devastating. In cultures where everyone stops school as a young teen and has already been living an adult lifestyle in the workforce by their late teens, maybe a late teen marriage isn't so bad, but in the US a 17 year old is a fully dependent child. And I say this as someone who had multiple jobs by middle school to help with my parents' bills, I was still very much a child.
@@rachelmaddowswife8713 This is why you should begin at an early age teaching them what they need to know before they leave the nest. I had a "hope chest", my daughters did also, when they were 13 or so, I started gradually filling it with pots, silverware, linens, etc. and they learned how to budget by watching me. We did not have a lot of money so I had to do it a little bit at a time. I am 90 and they are 58 and 60. Each one understood they would leave home and I did my best to prepare them. There is no reason to have to give a girl ready for college or marriage or the military a crash course.
@@rachelmaddowswife8713 I'm not saying they're going to be 100% mature, but that doesn't mean you can't get married if you get married for the right reasons. Marriage forces you to grow up, and it's meant to be a long-term commitment. It sounds like this dad has been teaching his daughter how to be mature for a long time. It's hard to give blanket advice, but this is just my experience.
@@ethandowler4669 Of course they "can" get married when they're 18, the question is is this the best time for them to get married. Statistically, no, it's not. They would almost certainly have an easier marriage if they're able to stay boyfriend/girlfriend throughout college and marry in their mid 20's. Plenty of people don't step up to the plate and magically mature just because they signed a marriage license. All my divorced female friends assumed their male partners would stop acting like teen boys and man up, and they didn't. You're going to keep growing and changing throughout life, so even if you marry at 40 you'll still need to keep learning and accommodating each other, but the difference between 18 and 25 is massive, 18 is still a child in our culture in terms of psychology and life experience.
My husband and I got married right out of high school with both our parents support. They paid for our beautiful wedding but we were self sufficient after that. We’ve been married almost 28 years and are so happy with each other and our family. It’s not a one size fits all. We were mature enough to handle life. Both our sons also married right out of high school and have been married with children for many years as well. Best wishes to you, parenting isn’t easy!
I was married when I was 18 too. It was great for my husband and I. We were responsible and hard working. Weve been married for 21 years. We got engaged after 6 months, and had a 9 month engagement. My husband says his only regret is how long our engagement was. 😅 being married young is not always negative. John should of asked the caller if he felt these two were mature or not. My parents trusted me and my husband and felt we could handle it.
As a parent myself, the answer is so simple. I would say you are too young but I cannot control you and you will be an adult. If you choose to go thru with this so be it. I will be there for you emotionally BUT you are absolutely 100% cut off financially. And it's not because I don't love you BUT it's because you want to be an adult so bad, well, this is what adults like me do. We pay for everything ourselves and don't live off anyone!!
@chrissyellem7397 You really think that is the same. You didn't ask to have an autistic son and your son didn't ask to be autistic. So your reply is NOT relevant to my comment. I would not cut someone off in the situation you describe BUT I hold to my comment for wanna be adults who want to make their own decisions.
i married at 17 an I was so hell bent to make it on our own, that I went hungry because I did not ask my parents for help. When my dad found out he was so angry. Not like you would be.
I appreciate the dad trying to talk it out. My 18yr old son is hoping to get married soon. He enlisted last year, is working about 35hrs/wk and finishing his senior year. He’s ready to move into adulthood. I got married at 19 and we’re about to celebrate 20yrs.
Sounds like he has a solid plan. Income, health benefits and so on. The scary part would be if it were two people shacking up in grandma's basement and wanting to get married, with no legitimate ambitions. Then we would have to have a talk.
The thing that was not mentioned quite frankly is the question of "why do you want to get married so soon?" My fear is that the real reason is that they are waiting til marriage to have sex and want to get married in a hurry so they can start having sex. Which is likely not a reason they would want to share with their parents...
As someone who comes from a country with much better sexual education at school, this thought hadn't even crossed my mind. If purity culture is so ingrained in American culture that teenagers are getting married just so that they're "allowed" to have sex, that's terrifying 😳
I got married at barely 17. My husband was 18. We have been married 16.5 years. I love my husband more now than i did then. .. but i will say that we definitely did life at the hardest setting possible by marrying that early, and it is by the grace of God we are happily married still. We had to break many codependent habits along the way. I picked the right person... just should have grown up a bit more and learned how to be an individual first.
I’d argue the path you took was the only way you were going to learn the virtues you now have. That’s how it’s been for me. I was never “ready” for any major life decision until I had finally done it, messed it up, and come out on the other side a little wiser for it. It’s too bad we don’t get a practice round!
@Eirikr430428 it's true. We have just this one life. Learning from the trials of others would save us a lot of heartache if we were to realize what they have to teach us before making our own mistakes. But hindsight is usually 20/20 and seeing clearly in the midst of the problem is nearly impossible.
@@tatyanadifort I meant to comment on “being an individual first” before marriage. To me, that sounds like getting set in your ways that would only hinder the marriage relationship later on. I think the grass is always greener, and delayed maturity (including delayed marriage) is a difficult problem we face.
When she’s 18 she can do whatever she wants… but that also means you’re under no obligation to pay her bills. “I don’t support the idea of you getting married right now. I feel as though you should wait a little longer and experience this relationship in the real world. That being said, you can do what you want when you’re an adult, but I will not be paying any bills for you once you get married.”
At age 14 I knew I wanted to marry my boyfriend. At age 18, a couple of months after high school we got married. We've been happy and prosperous for 25 years now. We were always more mature and planned/ saved in high school, so this was not a childish decision on our part. It's not for everyone, but it was perfect for us!
The only couples I knew that succeeded with marriage at that age didn't go to college. Everyone that tried it with college divorced. An insignificant sample size but just sharing what seemed pretty common. That being said I know couples that waited until post college and married that are most successful including my parents and also couples in my generation. College is a hugh test as many break up and are better off.
Social media will destroy 99% of these teenage marriages. The brain isnt even fully developed at that age which is why they make impulsive decisions. On top of that seeing their peers go out and party, travel, getting attention from the opposite sex, etc on social media will make most couples feel like they are missing out.
My husband and I were married at 18 and 19. I have my BA and he has a Masters and it was the best decision ever. Married 27 years. Just depends on the kids.
My husband and I got married at 18&20, I finished up some college online and worked part time from home our first year of marriage but he has always solely provided for us working construction and then started his own business. I agree that college would’ve made it so much harder for us. I think it’s good for kids to get married young and figure out what real life is like and what real love is like - and working in the trades is underrated.
I got married at 18, my husband was 19. We both had full time jobs and he had already been living on his own since 17 after graduating high school early. I was already paying for my car insurance and cell phone. We didn’t go to college, we didn’t have debt. Our Christian faith was our priority as well as our sexual purity, so that was partial motivation to our early wedding. Our parents did not support us financially in any way after we were married. Best decision we ever made. Yes, we had some growing up to do together but our marriage is very strong. We’ve been married for over 12 years now. We didn’t have children until 9 years in. It’s not as scary as this video seems to be if both people are wise enough and already bearing responsibility well. The prolonged infantilization and perpetual support of children in today’s society is doing them a disservice. College is not an essential and I do NOT regret getting married instead of going to college.
I mean you say that but you're probably kind of broke. On average, having a college degree means you're going to make a million more dollars over the course of your lifetime.
No, we aren’t broke. We have plenty on just my husband’s income. We have a nice emergency fund and no debt. We bought both our cars with cash. We own our home. I’m free to stay home with both our children and have no need to work outside the home anymore (though I could if I wanted to). It’s been a huge blessing to not have anything hanging over our heads that would keep us from achieving our dreams - without the college degrees. We both have had successful careers in the sectors and industries we always wanted to work in. Granted, by getting married young we didn’t have much at first but we were afforded TIME. Time to start investing for retirement and savings. We just had to make wise choices. Marrying young isn’t for everyone, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Mind y’all we are millennials too so we went against the grain of most people in our generation.
@@mandyrvery happy for you. Great job. I thought this was going to be another post from people who did this 50 years ago which let's be honest is not exactly the same thing. Continued success
I got married two days after I graduated high school. I had a job and an apartment because I got emancipated when I was 16. I grew up with wait till you get married to have sex and so this seemed like the best decision ever. I highly doubt I'd marry my now ex-wife (divorced at 25) if we waited until we were 20. A lot of flags became apparent in those two years. Telling them both the weight of all of it is hard but to me is a tremendous act of love. Caller sounds like a great dad.
@@am5635 I truly believed that God didn't want people who weren't married to have sex. I was part of True Love Waits since 6th grade and it was all that either I grasped or was told. Get married to someone in your same church and you're good. When I was 20 I started actually reading and there was way more depth to the true love parts and as John points out a 17 year olds grasp of "love" is vastly different then someone even in their 20s. For example, my mother in law got very ill (on dialysis type ill) and my wife refused to help me and by brother in law take care of her until she passed away a year and a half later. Along with a lot of other entitlements I never noticed as a lovestruck 15 year old. Not saying I was perfect either, I am a lot to deal with too, if something needs (or I think it needs) to be done, it HAS to get done and that can be grating to someone that hasn't agreed to it. TL;DR: High School is a terrible time to determine compatibility.
@@alqoshgirl Trust me if you've seen 17-year-olds today in the west they are nowhere near mature. Having a full-time job most kids won't do it. Let me guess you're not from the States? Things cost money here my friend. Idk how you find this weird statistically the younger you are when you get married here it does not workout.
@@alqoshgirl Because western people are in prison (aka "school") until they are eighteen. You are literally property until you are eighteen. It is a very sheltered culture. You don't work, you don't own anything, you don't have any money... then suddenly you are expected to know how to juggle all of that overnight. You are lucky if you have parents who care at all, but most parents are tuned out because they are burnt out trying to survive, themselves.
My parents wanted me to get married about 3 months later than I did (and mentioned that they could help out more if I waited). Did I wait? Nope. I didn't want a fancy wedding or to spend a lot of money on it. I just wanted to not drag out the engagement process when we had thought through a lot of things (that we could - of course there's stuff that you can't figure out beforehand that will always be). We both believed in waiting for sex until marriage and both looked at ourselves and was like that's going to be a hard one when we already know what we want in this deal. Not waiting isn't always about maturity. Sometimes it's being mature enough to know yourself and what you wNt in life etc. We were also told to wait at least a year before getting pregnant with our 1st. Didn't follow that recommendation either. Sometimes when people take a path and they regret it they assumed that everyone else who does that is also going to regret it just because they did. Gave birth to our 4th a year ago - honestly, I kind of wish that some of this timeline was even earlier than it was... Very glad I didn't listen to recommendations to delay it even more than it already was delayed. If your daughter throws a fit about it being too long to wait then you can say something about her maturity. But, sometimes you need to respect when your adult child leaves a generous offer from you on the table because maybe what they want in life is a little bit different than what you want or what you think they want. I feel no entitlement to my parents money or my parents babysitting help or anything else. When they give it, I am thankful. But, often when they give it under conditions, I say "no thanks, but thank you so much for the generous offer." And I don't believe that's immaturity on my part 🤷♀️
Yes! This is similar to my story. I didn't follow anyone's advice (especially not the divorced ones). Got married at 18, got pregnant on the honeymoon, and basically did everything people said not to do. We're 4 kids in, 8 years, and still completely happy and confident that we made the right choice.
I got married at 18. 9 years and 2 kids later and It’s been a good thing for us. I really think it highly depends of how the couple thinks and approaches life. ❤ Side note and not necessarily something I’d recommend but I got pregnant 2 months in. We have wonderful kids and a wonderful life.
No money, no marriage. Marriage is an adult commitment and should not depend on parental financing. Dad has been suckered into this. This is an awful idea. They both need full time jobs and understand the adult world.
I love this caller. I wish I had a Dad like him. I like the advice Dr. Delony gave too. While the daughter and future son-in-law are very young, there are always exceptions to the rule and I hope they are all able to live happily ever after :)
I got married right when I turned 19. Way too young. I did not have the opportunity to go to college because of it, then I had children right away. I was planning on 3 years, but got pregnant honeymoon night. I will never regret having my children, but I will always regret not finishing college and beginning a career first. I made for a very unhealthy marriage and power and earning disproportionate relationship where who I was or what was important to me was squashed.
Sadly you’re wrong. It was best to have kids first and career later. It’s sad you couldn’t love what you had in the moment. We can see in society now how messed up many people’s life are because they chose career over a family when young.
@@alqoshgirlno you’re wrong. How can you tell someone else how to see their life. That’s her life you’re saying is wrong, and you’re saying it’s wrong because of what, society? If we went by society’s standards, then your statement and everyone else’s beliefs would be wrong as well. She’s giving her perspective, you know nothing about her to know why she felt that way, the small things that built up to how she came to this judgement. OP, I see your stance, and I think it’s real how you are able to admit how you truly feel. Ignore the commenter who wants to be judgmental and tell you how you should see or live your life.
@@Jennie-hi2ti society tells her she did her life wrong and she should’ve chosen a useless degree and career over a loving family. Yes I can tell people what is right as this is a public forum where people share opinions idiot
@@alqoshgirl there might be some truth in what you say if you had two whole and healthy individuals going into a marriage with community and family support. If not, there is a lot of room for abuse.
@@alqoshgirl I believe that getting the education first is much easier. You may decide to postpone the career a bit for the sake of raising children, but it is much easier to get the education when you don’t have kids.
I married my high school sweetheart 1 year after graduation. 26 years married now. We got married mainly because his parents said you're out as soon as you graduate and it was easier with both of our incomes and living together before marriage was not an option. His parents shoved us right into marriage. Don't regret it now, but it hasnt always been easy.
I got married at 19. My wife was 21. Now we've been married for 7 years and are more in love than ever. We love that we built our lives together and had no other experiences with other people. Neither one of us ever dated anyone else so we have no baggage at all. I hate that everyone is encouraged to wait. If you are raised to be committed it's not risky to get married so young.
To add to this, I was 12 when I met her and knew very early on that I wanted to be with her. 🤷♂️ Neither of us went to college either and both have successful jobs. I'm surprised by John's response to this caller.
I think this a great opportunity to to vet her boyfriend and prepare her for marriage-regardless of if they ultimately marry. Once kids leave the home you loss so much visibility into their dating choices.
I’m so appreciative of this discussion. I’m not even looking to agree or disagree, I’m curious to know the different ways to approach this life situation, THANK YOU for this channel ❤
Married at 19 and 22 here. We hit 20 years this year, happier and healthier than ever. My aunt married at 19. She is still happily married 50 years later. Once you're an adult, you can make the choice you want to make. So as a parent, support them by preparing them to make those choices wisely. The #1 best thing my parents did was not fight with me, but talk to me and treat me as the adult I was and prepare me to make wise choices in marriage. We finished college together +1 kid, now we have 4, and if my kids want to marry young, I hope I have taught them to choose their future spouse using wise principles and to understand marriage requires a lot of hard work and mutual sacrifice.
This dad is spot on IMO. He's got good instincts. And John's instinct is right as well, particularly setting the stage with the prospective son-in-law.
My husband and I got married at 17 and 18. My parents had to sign an authorization form before the wedding. It was a small, cheap ceremony. We had both had jobs since we were 14, had huge responsibilities, been dating for 3 years and our parents grew up in the same town! We've been married for 8 years with baby #3 on the way and I'm more in love with my husband then I've ever been. Not about age, but there has to be a high level of maturity.
I married the day after my 18th birthday. It was tough, but we have now been married for 37 years. He was 21 when we got married. I had no doubts, maybe it was naivety, but it’s worked out. All you can do is support her.
If they get married at 18, then they are choosing to enter FULL adulthood at that time. Working, paying her own bills, etc. All that being said, my first love I was with for 10 years (14-24). I broke up with him, feeling like we were too young, and I wanted to see what else was out in the world. I'm now 58 and it turns out he was the love of my life. 💔 It's impossible for the parents to know if they'll last or not.
Unfortunately that's the message the world tries to brainwash Society with. It's always about you. You first. Live your life to the fullest and complete the long list of everything you want in life first before you settle down and have kids. People don't realize it's better to fulfill that list with your family then alone and just because you have a family doesn't mean you're not independent. It is a message being spoken especially to women and that is why so many women are having kids in their late thirties and forties now. Unfortunately they don't realize this is a ploy from the government for population control just to name one.
My sister got married at 19 and he was 18. 200+ attended the wedding paid for by parents. My sister left the marriage around 6 years into it, leaving my 4 yr old nephew behind. She needed to explore life by herself. And they were 2 educated, intelligent people (so I thought).
2 educated, at 19 and he was 18. How many years of college at that point? You are not educated at that age. Intelligent at any age, educated once you have your BA/BS
I spoke with a longtime friend of mine last night, who I met in college. She started dating her husband when she was 17 years old. We were literally laughing at the fact that he moved to the same college town in order to follow (be with) her. They got engaged when she was 19, and married for 27 years. Three kids and she got her college degree in accounting. She's been in Oil and Gas accounting for over 20 years. It's tough, and they can make it.
I know this is a different generation we live in, but I married at 18. 19 years later, we are still rocking and rolling. My mom was scared for us, but was very supportive. My stepdad also got my husband (then fiancée) a job where he worked. My husband worked there for 7 years while I attended school. Once I finished school, my husband went to school. I am a social worker and my husband is a network engineer. Not to mention the 1st 4 years of marriage, we had 3 kids. It’s important to understand your kids mentality. I remember people referring to me as an “old soul.” I never understood until years later that I matured faster than my fellow peers. It truly depends on the individual(s) 🙏🏽
Good! I’m 44, alone & have no family bc I believed the lie that I had to screw around & prolong my adolescence for as long as possible. Get married & have a family! Learn from the mistakes of those of us who believed fools.
It's too late for kids but not for a meaningful relationship. Set standards for yourself and the men you date. You don't have to have sex early in a relationship if you're not ready. Holding out isn't playing games. It's taking care of yourself. Start seeing a therapist to help you meet your goals.
I would have loved for him to ask the question about their faith and religious background. If they were both raised in the “faith” and practicing Christians, maybe they wanted to get married because they wanted to do the right thing and wait until marriage and I would say that in itself would make them mature enough. The father sounds like a very well rounded balance man which leads me think there is a definite faith background in his family!
Rushing into marriage just because you wanna have sex does not sound mature to anyone who hasn’t been indoctrinated into that particular religious worldview.
He sounds like a loving and caring dad. I didn’t meet my husband until we were in our 30s. I shudder to think how my life would have turned out if I’d married the guy I was sooooo in love with when I was 18!
How many 60 years olds have been married 3 times? Until 80 years ago, Marriage at 18 years old was perfectly normal. They also didn't divorce as much as we do now. Was it perfect? No, but it was better for children and families overall.
@@gbear34a lot. I’m in my 40s so parents to kids my age are 60s and up. Probably half of my friends in school came from divorced homes. My parents married in their mid 20s and were married 55 years when my mom died.
More young people should be listening to this episode. To hear how transparent this father is regarding his daughter and getting this advice from John, heck, the whole conversation, should be eye opening to those that are thinking about getting married young.
My husband and I got married at 19 28 years ago. We have grown up together and grown closer. Time goes by so fast. I am so glad we've had all this time to start young and build a life together. Of course people have to be mature and committed enough to make it work and our mutual faith beliefs has been instrumental for us in this, but marrying young, under the right circumstances, can be a very beautiful thing.
At 18 I wanted to get married. I’m now 23 and I feel like that was a lifetime ago! I was a baby! Thank goodness it didn’t work out- I had a lot of maturing to do. And I still do. This poor girl ought to live some life on her own and be responsible before saying yes to forever with someone. 😅❤
u made a terrible mistake. You gonna wait til 35 (when men no longer have any interest in marrying you) to start looking to settle down? I would never marry a woman over 24.
@@boston312Go deeper on the data: the older and better educated you are when you get married, the less likely you are to divorce. That's why John thinks this is a bad idea.
so maybe the divorce rate decreases from 52% to 40% if you marry older. The chances are still extremely risky marrying in America. Especially as a man, where you can end up paying child support, alimony payments, losing assets and a pension. Dr John has sent many men to the slaughter house with his pro marriage views@@jazzycarlianna
I got into my relationship at 17. My parent’s divorced my senior year and both did not set up a college fund for me so I knew I had no help. 5 years later and I still do not want to get married until I graduate college. I made that very clear from the beginning. School and my career are far more important to me right now than marriage so my partner and I agreed to wait. Although my family doesn’t like the fact that we live together, we’ve learned so much about ourselves, each other and what we want our future to look like. He works full-time and pays for a lot that I’m not able to cover and I’m so grateful. It is very hard not having financial help from my parents but it was my decision to go to University and I have never asked them for help. I work two jobs and am a full time student and one of those jobs is in my career field! I’m also in the middle of an internship. It’s hard but I have a packed portfolio and tons of experience and I’m only a Junior and I have an amazing supportive future husband by my side. I was very lucky that we were on the same page from the beginning and were mature enough to do this. A lot of couples are not
Very interested call. I say as a mom of 3, if they aren't able to pay for their own wedding, they aren't ready to get married. My husband and I paid for ours and did not ask a penny from anyone. As of now, I expect them to save before they embark in such complex lifestyle as a married couple. They can always have a small ceremony if they dont want to pay so much for a wedding as it is expensive.
First of all, I all bs on "they're not going to have any money going to school full time". I worked, often full time work, while going through college. It's possible and honestly healthy. Also, personally speaking, if I'd married who I thought I wanted to marry when I was 17, my life would be hell. Others may have different experiences, but the odds are not in their favor.
You’re not wrong. But the neglect that a lot of GenX kids got from our parents made us want to treat our kids better. We tend to go too far the other way, but it is a reaction to not having parents who modeled a good balance.
Lol if you look at the wealthiest and most successful families they all have trust funds/inheritances set up for their kids. Obviously there needs to be a balance but you aren't doing your kids and favors by cutting them off financially lol.
@@lebumjames1373 Showing your kids some work ethic is required is a good thing. Paying for everything for kids is a big problem and makes kids entitled and lazy.
My parents made it clear from a younger age (before high school) that once my sister and I were married they expected us to be financially independent. If we got married we would need to support ourselves 100% from that point forward. Yes - they wanted us to get our college degrees; however, they would not have given us any financial support during our college years if either of us had gotten married before we graduated.
@@shabnamkarimi3861 well I get it A lot of people are really stupid You're either ready to be married at 18 or it 38 some people are just mature and hardworking other people aren't
@@greenAbbot yeah you just have to have good parents have a good head on your shoulder willing to work hard it's not for everybody lot of people are lazy and stupid
If they still need financial support they are not ready to get married. No staying in mom and dad’s car insurance, cellphone, etc. Do they both plan to work enough to pay for an apartment and living expenses? If not, they are not ready. If they think they can play house on your dime, nope.
I got married 2 months after turning 18, he was 19. We were married for 7 years before we gor divorced. It was THE HARDEST 7 years of my entire life. We now share a baby, so I am forever attached to the guy I chose at 16, who is not at all the person he was then now, and neither am I. There was no convincing me at 18 that that was a bad idea
My husband and I married one year out of high school and were married college students for the next 3 years. Got degree and have had 53 yrs of marriage. It will be hard for them as long as they understand they will not have ANY EXTRA money during school and they may live in an apartment above someone’s garage. It can be done but it’s a big commitment 💕
Being married young and all the way through college was the best thing we did. We got to plan our future from the beginning. Three kids, successful businesses, and 27 years together has been a crazy ride!
100% I got married at 19 and my parents didn't need to tell me that. Which also made them even more worried because that meant even if they didn't want us to marry we were actually adults who could figure that part out ourselves.
You can throw a beautiful wedding for $5k-$7. My first wedding in 2004, we did with a budget of $1000. My second wedding in 2009, I indulged in things that weren’t necessary but still only spent $4000. You don’t need a “Pinterest perfect” wedding, especially if you can’t afford it. It’s ONE day and you probably won’t remember half it.
I agree you don’t need a “Pinterest perfect wedding” but in this day and age 5-7k does not get you far with a wedding unless you only have a few guests and do not have a meal. Prices are much, much higher than they were in 2009. Where I am located catering was in the 5-7K price range for a guest count of 170 and that was one of the cheapest options! I do think you need to evaluate your financial situation and plan accordingly though.
@@evangelineellington9240 I reserved a church gymnasium for free and bought 30lbs of pork shoulder and we made pulled pork sandwiches. Other families pitched in with sides. Meals don’t need to be catered.
@@whatintheheck4692Good for you hun! We were happy to provide a meal for our family and friends. To each their own and to each what can fit into their means and what you are willing and able to give.
Support them and let them get married! It’s so much easier building together than merging lives later in life. People complain about the drop in marriage rates and how people are getting married “too old” (30+) but then say 18 is too young. Get real.
I love all this advice. I was engaged at 18 and married a few months after turning 19. We are over 17 years in, we have a wonderful life and marriage and 4 beautiful children. Mind you I had lived a lot of life in that time, working in high school, losing people very close to me, including my mom who I helped care for as well as helping in a big way with the house over her 4 year battle with cancer. My husband was 3 1/2 years older than me and he had lived on his own paying all his own bills since he was 18 and also lost his mother when he was younger. Dare I say we had experienced a few bumps and bruises from life our parents would have liked to shield us from that left us a bit more mature than many others at the same age... It was hard, we both had a lot of growing up to do, but we both just refused to quit and came out stronger and so much better on the other end. That said the idea of my oldest daughter being engaged in 4 years like I was is terrifying and I have no idea how my parents let me get married so young! lol
I wanted to be a grown up at 18. I joined the military. No safety nets, no mom or dad to cry to or pick up the pieces. Depending on what you did, your life and safety was on the line. You grow up real quick. Marriage at 18 shows immaturity because all it does is screams, I want to be seen as a grown up compared to actually being a grown up.
No it screams 'I'm trying to do the right thing', and they should be commended for doing this instead of falling for the pervasive non-commital hookup culture.
@SIGSEGV1337 How about not doing either. You have an either / or and I disagree. No matter though. If you are doing the right thing as you put it, THEN that also means NOT living off of Mom and Dad. Unless you think financially carrying kids is ok.
So you basically traded in your parents for Uncle Sam. We all know you're treated like a kid in the military when you're a low rank young kid. You're not exactly on your own. You get housing, food, benefits and are told what to do on a daily basis.
Aaand the girl will get pregnant "accidentally" and will have to drop out of college to raise the child while the guy finishes college, gets a degree and moves on with his career. Than of course issues will come and they will get a divorce and the girl will be a struggling single mom living paycheck to paycheck while the guy will go ahead and get married with a more mature mindset and career perspective and will start a new family. The end!
Naw. Plot twists. Courts give her half of all his assets and money, child support, alimony, one of the cars, and the house, leaving the ex husband starting over with nothing but depression while she's already talking with office Chad
@@RedLegPiper She should get half if they built their life together since their teenage years, lol. But women end up worse than men financially after divorce, sorry to burst that red pill bubble.
My parents slowly handed me the reins of my own financial life between college graduation at 22 and marriage at 23. We had a simple courthouse ceremony and were fully independent by that point. It made money a simple, fun topic in our house. We've now been married almost 5 years and I thank my parents for blessing our marriage, accepting our decision to do it on our own terms, and gracefully handing us the burden of responsibility for our own expenses. It's made for a super fun last 5 years. ❤
Sure, a lot of you in the comments are talking about your successful marriage at a young age. The fact is rhe number of divorces substantially increase if you get married below 25.
Puppy love is a powerful force chemically. Sounds like they are also finding a euphoria together after growing up with helicopter "value system" rents.
I wholeheartedly believe if my dad were of sound mind (he had/has dementia), he wouldn't have let me marry my ex. He was nowhere near ready. In some ways, I wasn't ready either. This is so good that this girl had such an amazing father asking the right questions to protect her. I truly envy that. Good for them! I
How is this the same thing, even a 12 year old know smoking messes up your lungs. If you smoke you are not mature at any age, but you need maturity for marriage.
I got married at 19. I was already living on my own with a job and we knew we were paying for the wedding ourselve. I really think it depends on the teen. Also my husband could already provide for both of us but I kept working to save for a house. I'm 28 pregnant with our 4th. Other than our home we have no debt and a 4 month savings. We are truly happy and in love. My immaturity did cause problems but we worked though it and I worked hard on it.
A definite no. Things are so much different now than they were even 20-30 years ago... it's much much harder climate now for marriages, let alone ones where one or both individuals' frontal lobes aren't even fully developed. I watched my cousin marry at 18 (30 years ago) someone her dad seemingly "pushed" her to marry....and of course it didn't end well. With no college degree, she is still barely scraping by since the split. It's just so awful. Please don't let your children make this mistake.
I’m 32 and just got married at 31. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years before getting married (we met my senior year of college). I didn’t even have my first boyfriend until 17. I havnt been through that many relationships (only 4) but all were serious. My shortest relationship was 1 year. My mom got married right after she turned 18 and I feel she wishes she would have waited until she was older. Also with money.. I think people these days should also understand it’s not the parents responsibly to pay for a wedding. Our wedding was around 30k and we paid for all of it ourselves. We didn’t ask our parents. That’s one reason we were engaged for 4.5 years. I wanted to be able to save up money for my wedding (no wedding debt). I could not imagine being married to any of my ex’s. And at that time I thought I wanted to marry them. But I’m so thankful I met my husband.
I don’t see the point in getting married at 18. Me and my wife started dating at 15 but didn’t get married until we were 28. It didn’t really change anything anyways.
@@alqoshgirl We are atheists, we don’t really subscribe to the whole sin thing. I guess if you are religious then getting married early makes more sense. It also might make sense if you plan to have kids but we’re 35 now and still haven’t tried for one so that wasn’t really a factor for us.
Gotta say, I’ve so incredibly thankful I didn’t marry the girl I was with at 18. There are exceptions, but nearly everyone I’ve ever known says that same thing.
Two of my daughter's got married young. We paid for the modest wedding but no financial support after the wedding. They are both still married and doing well.
My daughter is the same way. She just turned 18 and so did her boyfriend of 3 years. Thankfully her boyfriend wants to wait for a few more years before getting married. We made a deal with them was that they had to be on birth control. To be sure there was no whoops your a grandma. I am thankful that my daughter feels safe enough to talk through things with me. I also am thankful for the ability to be able to talk to her boyfriend. The toughest part has been we have very different values from his family. So it's been a tough conversation.
The guy I was dating at age 17 was literally the most toxic relationship imaginable and took me years to recover from. Thank god I didn’t end up married to him. I would’ve been cheated on many times, and most likely left alone with kids. And never found myself. There are rare exceptions, but for most people, it is important and necessary to find yourself as an adult and figure out who you are and what you want before you get married. Otherwise you open the door to marrying the complete wrong person for yourself that doesn’t improve your life. And having no identity outside of the other person.
Good for them for wanting to get married instead of shacking up. They have a better chance that way. I agree with the other comments, coach them! Support them but challenge them too. My husband and I got married at 18 and we have been married now for 15 years with 4 kids. It’s been hell but that’s marriage. We are stronger and more in love now than we ever were!! We would have started out so much better if our family supported us, instead both sides went against us and hard! Coach them dad! Be there for them! Teach them.
“Shacking up” was one of the best decisions my wife and I ever made. It taught us a lot. And after almost 30 years of marriage, not a second of it was “hell”. I feel so sorry for you if you think that’s what marriage is, but maybe a little shacking up would have given you some information before you made a lifetime commitment.
@@greenAbbot It's not some cost/benefit analysis though. Having sex and living together outside of marriage is sinful (according to my beliefs and the beliefs of many others). Also, if you do want to look at it from a cost/benefit perspective, the statistics pretty clearly show that marriages are less likely to end in divorce without premarital sex.
@@ImTheWinningest That a marriage lasts for a long time does not mean it is good. People that do not live together and have no premarital sex tend to be very traditional / religious. So they are not likely to divorce even if they are very unhappy, if there is abuse etc. There is something about living together that brings all the ego and neuroses out in the open. So the lovebirds can see if they still like each other when they are not feeling the love. Also: if there are severe sexual problems, no compatibility - it is more likely to come out. Then they can break up, if the cannot fix things. Both have a chance to find a partner that they are more compatible with or they are more mature and have learned from their first try.
My daughter got married at seventeen and a half, graduated early from high school, to her nineteen year old boyfriend, they have been married for seventeen years now, they waited and had one daughter. Still a very in love. ( They lived with his parents until they got on their feet, and both finish school, he was an only child).My mother married my father at sixteen and a half, they were married for over sixty four years until he passed away. ( The good old days of the forties, when no one really had much).
In all honesty, it’s quite lovely that two people want to commit to being with each other. As an older person I find more and more people afraid to get married. Yes it is highly likely that it may not work out but I don’t think that the spirit of it should be diminished. I think showing them a path for success would be the best way to go.
I got a promise ring and a handmade ring from my highschool sweetheart... I cared for him deeply but I felt deep down that something was under the surface, he wasn't as attracted to me and I felt the relationship wasn't as strong as I wanted. We both had big big angst at our homes... his folks were divorcing and I knew I could not remain at home with my folks any longer... so I broke it off as gently as possible and returned the rings to him, and we tried to go our separate ways. He came out about 10 years later and has been with his partner o er 20 yrs and I'm so glad he found his way in life. I went thru a decade long abusive relationship and didn't marry until 12 yrs later, and we've been together going on 29 yrs. In my case, I think the promise ring meant that we were desperately trying to commit and cling to one another to ride out the coming storms in our respective lives.
I think it depends on the situation. I married my wife after only being with her 2 months. So we had met online and were long distance but after being 2 months together in person I decided to marry her. On paper this was an insane decision. We’ve now been happily married 10 years. The reason I married her is because we connected on a deep level and had become best friends. We both were a perfect match physically. And most importantly she shared the same values as me. Specifically I don’t like to drink or party. I’m more socially conservative and my wife was the exact same way. So even though I technically rushed into marriage on paper, I just knew she was the one. It was actually more so we couldn’t stand being apart anymore. It was too painful not being together. So the move to be married was actually a necessity. All that said I do not think this kid should get married. The issue isn’t his age or lack of experience. Because again I believe it’s possible to meet the right person at any age. The issue is all the red flags that show this relationship isn’t the perfect union he believes. The fact that she won’t pay her own insurance among other things tells me she isn’t ready for marriage and this guy also needs to spend more time with her to see if this relationship can stand the test of time.
Why doesn't the father just tell her he doesn't bless the marriage at this point in time and the wedding money is attached to his blessing. So they can go get married on their own or they can wait for his blessing. Then if he sees them struggle financially he can use some wedding money to help them along their way, because there is absolutely a need for parents to be helpful and involved in the marriages of their children. People dont generally support yheir kids at all after marriage and that is partly why marriages fail so much these days.
BTW the caller was awesome. He seems like such a caring father to his daughter that is approaching this with an open heart and open mind. Seems like a real gem of a father, the daughter is lucky to have him as a father.
Yes and no. I think he's too worried about what his daughter thinks and some kids will manipulate their parents to this way nowadays. I can't actually believe she thinks they should pay for a wedding!
I love how little judgement he puts on his daughter. But I gotta say a lot of this is just them wanting to have sex ASAP. They’re probably religious and have told them they can’t have sex til they’re married. This is what happens when you raise them with those beliefs-this is the other side of that.
As a dad, I don’t know if I would be that mellow.
This conversation should have been had 5 years ago and every year since...failed
My husband and I started dating at 17 (following an 11 year friendship.) We were dating with intention and within 6 months had covered all the bases on morals, values, beliefs, boundaries, and the important things we want out of life. When he was medically discharged from the corps and came home to work as a mechanic, we were engaged and married within the year. He was already working, and I had already secured several scholarships that more than covered my schooling. I’m about to graduate college now and am 8 months pregnant with our first child. I am so thankful for him and for the life we have together. Having said that, we did have a small wedding and we’re not completely cut off from our parents financially, though we were prepared to be. No matter their age, if someone wants to be married but also wants their parents to fund their lifestyle, they’re setting themselves up for failure.
I married at 18, have 2 beautiful children 2 granddand had a wonder career.
I met my husband my senior of high school. The day we met, my mom said, you have to graduate college before you get married. A man can leave you but your education won't. I honored my mother and got married a week after college graduation, married 22 years! I'm thankful for my mother's wisdom!
I’m glad you honored your mother and got to marry your husband as well. Everyone wins :)
Highschool is such a low bar, she should have pushed for college graduation
If you can't wait four years, you're not right for each other. Education is everything. You'll be a better partner, worker, citizen and parent if you can support yourself if the marriage fails. It happens.
@@SemekiIzuio Reread the comment…
@@SemekiIzuio She said college, not high school
I’m soooooooooo glad I didn’t marry the girl I thought I was going to marry at 17. God blessed me with an almost perfect woman at age 24 😉. My brother, however, did get married at 19 and wife 18. They have a wonderful life and 3 great kids. It isn’t about the age, it’s about the people involved in the marriage.
Right on!!!
Exactly! I married at 18. 8 months after we met. Now married 44 years. I will say I knew once I turned 18 I had to have a job with health insurance. Kids today can stay on there parents insurance till 26. It’s a whole different world out there now. Most kids today are not that mature, like it was back 30, 40 years ago.
My daughter is 15. I cannot imagine this
@@judyczyz1297 I think that's the difference - if you're financially independent and prepared to live on your own as a self-sustaining unit, that's a different situation than dependents basically playing at marriage.
I’m 39 and I’ve been with my wife since I was 17. Best decision I’ve ever made. I 100% agree with you that it’s the people involved and not the age that matters.
I'm very impressed by this dad who called in.
I like how he thinks and communicates with his child and Dr John
What an amazing father figure. This girl is so blessed to have this man as her father
My daughter, at 16 came home one night with a promise ring from her 18 year old boyfriend. I hardly took it seriously. But 2 years later at 18 and 20 they were married. They have been married now for 18 years, and they have the best behaved 5 children. He fought his way through school and has become a partner in his accounting firm. Our daughter has been able to be a stay at home mom. They are as happy as can be.
I hate how acceptable it is now days to be in your 30's (40's) and still not be fully responsible and capable.
My daughter has had a promise ring for the past two years. She got it on her 16th birthday. She and her boyfriend have been together for two and a half years.
I know they’ll get married one day, but they both want to finish college first. They’re in no rush.
That's wonderful! And I completely agree!
I totally agree! I have seen too many cases where people lose that special someone because they have to wait until they are 28-30yrs old to marry...or they rush and marry the wrong person at 28-30yrs old because they don't want to be "too old". Why is it better to spend your young years in typically serially monogamous relationships, having sex, and staying at each other's apartments or even living together a long time unmarried because one is "too young to marry"? The damage done from doing this and waiting without a good reason is worse in my opinion.
I got engaged to my husband at 21yrs and married at 22yrs. We met in nursing school getting our bachelor's degrees and married immediately after we graduated. Have been married 17yrs and have a 13yr old son. We both agree we actually wish we had met younger. We both came from divorced homes and we helped each other survive financially as well as emotionally through college. Both of us coming from divorced homes made us very convicted in staying married, and in wanting to create the security in our adult lives we never had as children.
Most 18 year Olds today should not be married and you are right waiting into well into your 30s may not work out especially fertility wise but it does for some people. Good thing people like your daughter have the freedom so don't judge the orher side as well
Amen.
Plot twist: The kids shack up and call the Ramsey show for financial advice and Dave and John say “Go to the courthouse and get married today!” 😂
Exactly, such contradictory advice from this guy.
Lmao so true
@@jonathanmartin2360 It's not contradictory. He's usually dealing with older people and telling people that if they aren't willing to marry each other, they shouldn't marry their finances. The younger people he's spoke to, he's suggested to reach their career goals before getting married and before marrying their finances. Watch more of his videos. Op is overexaggerating
He forgets what he says. Typical man 😂
I started dating my wife when I was 19 and she was 17. We knew we weren’t close developmentally to being ready to make that kind of commitment. When we finally got married six years later, there was not a doubt in anyone’s mind that we were meant for each other, and there hasn’t been a doubt in the 30 years since. All the people I know who got married too early did it because they were told they couldn’t have sex or live together until they did.
@@sometimesising1016 Why marry so quickly? See how it works out first.
That kind of reminds me of the new term NATO dating: Not Attached to an Outcome Dating is the catchy new way to say take dating mindfully and don't push things too fast. Just like you did.
İf you are all in it you give ypor 100% to make it work which is a must for any relationship or marriage to work. Marriage because of the mindset and commitment sets you up success and relationship because of the lack of these sets you up for failiure.
Funny. Almost all the people I know who got married too early WERE already having sex. They were also too arrogant to listen to family and friends telling them about the blatant red flags in the relationship.
Kids should get pre marital counseling
Yes! I got married when I was 18. My husband and I went through our churches pre marriage counseling. It was great. We're still happy 8 years later.
All couples would likely be better off for it.
Kids and marriage should never be in the same sentence in this way.
I was a kid who got premarital counseling. Divorced now ❤
It's not that they can't get married, but in being married, that means they are a new independent unit from both sets of parents. If they require to be financially supported then they're not ready. To be married means you are a new unit, completely cleaved from parental support. New privileges, but a whole new set of responsibilities individually and as a couple.
I felt ready to be married at 20, but that was because I had been making my own money since I was 15. I got myself my own scholarship to university, I was running my own life, doing my own taxes, paying for and driving my own car. I started buying and saving my own household items for my eventual home at 15 and my Mum allowed me to use half her attic space as storage. I also only dated one guy before my husband, because I also only had a view of dating for the purpose of marriage. Ultimately, I ended up marrying at 22.
Agree with you on the financials. Also, dating SHOULD be for the purpose of finding a spouse. People screw around too much today (pun somewhat intended) and that’s why I believe we have so much divorce.
Well said.
I met my husband at 14, married right after my 19th birthday (6 months after high school graduation). I made it through college easily. We just had our firstborn child at 25 years old but have two amazing teens through foster care, one has an adoption date coming up in February! We’re very happy in our unconventional family.
You’re 25 and you’ve adopted teens??
I wanted to marry my high school sweetheart, too, but we waited til the middle of college. It was a good thing b/c we were able to test our relationship in the “real world” and it needed it. We ended up fighting for our relationship during those dating-in-college years, and we’re about to celebrate 10 years of marriage in May!
Once we got married, our parents stopped all financial support. They weren’t paying much before that anyway haha
@@ethandowler4669Thats okay you can remember that when they get old if they need money
Great story, congrats Ethan!
Congrats!!
Your a rare case but kudos to both of you, most people as they move through their 20s have a very different life view by the time college is done
My advice would be to COACH them. They CAN make it if you prepare them. Support and training are what they need. They don’t know what they don’t know. It’s the parents’ job to teach them! Sounds like the dad on this call knows that, but I wanted to throw it out there.
A parent can't give a crash course to a 17 year old child to do all the growing up that the next eight years of life experience would provide though, there's no way to make that personal growth that happens by age 25 other than living it yourself. Don't you remember being a teenager? You think your parents are morons and that you're the smartest person in the world who has everything figured out. Then you go to college and have to do your own laundry, wake yourself up on time, and pay your own bills, and you realize life is a lot harder than you thought. These kids will learn the hard way, and it's better that they do that learning without making the mistake of legally tying themselves to each other. They'll be responsible for 100% of each other's college loans for example if they marry now, so the consequences of "oops, actually we should get a divorce" can be devastating. In cultures where everyone stops school as a young teen and has already been living an adult lifestyle in the workforce by their late teens, maybe a late teen marriage isn't so bad, but in the US a 17 year old is a fully dependent child. And I say this as someone who had multiple jobs by middle school to help with my parents' bills, I was still very much a child.
@@rachelmaddowswife8713 This is why you should begin at an early age teaching them what they need to know before they leave the nest. I had a "hope chest", my daughters did also, when they were 13 or so, I started gradually filling it with pots, silverware, linens, etc. and they learned how to budget by watching me. We did not have a lot of money so I had to do it a little bit at a time. I am 90 and they are 58 and 60. Each one understood they would leave home and I did my best to prepare them. There is no reason to have to give a girl ready for college or marriage or the military a crash course.
@@rachelmaddowswife8713 I'm not saying they're going to be 100% mature, but that doesn't mean you can't get married if you get married for the right reasons. Marriage forces you to grow up, and it's meant to be a long-term commitment. It sounds like this dad has been teaching his daughter how to be mature for a long time. It's hard to give blanket advice, but this is just my experience.
@@ethandowler4669 Of course they "can" get married when they're 18, the question is is this the best time for them to get married. Statistically, no, it's not. They would almost certainly have an easier marriage if they're able to stay boyfriend/girlfriend throughout college and marry in their mid 20's. Plenty of people don't step up to the plate and magically mature just because they signed a marriage license. All my divorced female friends assumed their male partners would stop acting like teen boys and man up, and they didn't. You're going to keep growing and changing throughout life, so even if you marry at 40 you'll still need to keep learning and accommodating each other, but the difference between 18 and 25 is massive, 18 is still a child in our culture in terms of psychology and life experience.
Yesssss!
My husband and I got married right out of high school with both our parents support. They paid for our beautiful wedding but we were self sufficient after that. We’ve been married almost 28 years and are so happy with each other and our family. It’s not a one size fits all. We were mature enough to handle life. Both our sons also married right out of high school and have been married with children for many years as well. Best wishes to you, parenting isn’t easy!
I was married when I was 18 too. It was great for my husband and I. We were responsible and hard working. Weve been married for 21 years. We got engaged after 6 months, and had a 9 month engagement. My husband says his only regret is how long our engagement was. 😅 being married young is not always negative. John should of asked the caller if he felt these two were mature or not. My parents trusted me and my husband and felt we could handle it.
Back when you could buy a house for 50 k.🙄
@@MmmmkaaayAt that time I made $4/hr. It's all relevant.
As a parent myself, the answer is so simple.
I would say you are too young but I cannot control you and you will be an adult. If you choose to go thru with this so be it. I will be there for you emotionally BUT you are absolutely 100% cut off financially. And it's not because I don't love you BUT it's because you want to be an adult so bad, well, this is what adults like me do. We pay for everything ourselves and don't live off anyone!!
Great answer. 👍🏼
Same.. this is exactly my answer too…
Much better than johns crummy scorched earth approach.
@chrissyellem7397 You really think that is the same. You didn't ask to have an autistic son and your son didn't ask to be autistic. So your reply is NOT relevant to my comment. I would not cut someone off in the situation you describe BUT I hold to my comment for wanna be adults who want to make their own decisions.
i married at 17 an I was so hell bent to make it on our own, that I went hungry because I did not ask my parents for help. When my dad found out he was so angry. Not like you would be.
I appreciate the dad trying to talk it out.
My 18yr old son is hoping to get married soon. He enlisted last year, is working about 35hrs/wk and finishing his senior year. He’s ready to move into adulthood. I got married at 19 and we’re about to celebrate 20yrs.
Sounds like he has a solid plan. Income, health benefits and so on. The scary part would be if it were two people shacking up in grandma's basement and wanting to get married, with no legitimate ambitions. Then we would have to have a talk.
Marriage in the military is easily the hardest thing I have ever done. It takes a lot of work. Best of luck to him. It’s hard but totally worth it
The thing that was not mentioned quite frankly is the question of "why do you want to get married so soon?" My fear is that the real reason is that they are waiting til marriage to have sex and want to get married in a hurry so they can start having sex. Which is likely not a reason they would want to share with their parents...
Exactly my thought too
Exactly! It’s all that purity ring thing and pressure so they have a fantasy…without financial experience! C’mon
I agree. That thought crossed my mind.
As someone who comes from a country with much better sexual education at school, this thought hadn't even crossed my mind. If purity culture is so ingrained in American culture that teenagers are getting married just so that they're "allowed" to have sex, that's terrifying 😳
It’s the only reason someone chooses to get married at that age.
I got married at barely 17. My husband was 18. We have been married 16.5 years. I love my husband more now than i did then. .. but i will say that we definitely did life at the hardest setting possible by marrying that early, and it is by the grace of God we are happily married still. We had to break many codependent habits along the way. I picked the right person... just should have grown up a bit more and learned how to be an individual first.
I’d argue the path you took was the only way you were going to learn the virtues you now have. That’s how it’s been for me. I was never “ready” for any major life decision until I had finally done it, messed it up, and come out on the other side a little wiser for it. It’s too bad we don’t get a practice round!
@Eirikr430428 it's true. We have just this one life. Learning from the trials of others would save us a lot of heartache if we were to realize what they have to teach us before making our own mistakes. But hindsight is usually 20/20 and seeing clearly in the midst of the problem is nearly impossible.
@@tatyanadifort I meant to comment on “being an individual first” before marriage. To me, that sounds like getting set in your ways that would only hinder the marriage relationship later on. I think the grass is always greener, and delayed maturity (including delayed marriage) is a difficult problem we face.
When she’s 18 she can do whatever she wants… but that also means you’re under no obligation to pay her bills. “I don’t support the idea of you getting married right now. I feel as though you should wait a little longer and experience this relationship in the real world. That being said, you can do what you want when you’re an adult, but I will not be paying any bills for you once you get married.”
Exactly. And any 18-year-old who can't see that this is reasonable is not mature enough to get married.
At age 14 I knew I wanted to marry my boyfriend. At age 18, a couple of months after high school we got married. We've been happy and prosperous for 25 years now. We were always more mature and planned/ saved in high school, so this was not a childish decision on our part. It's not for everyone, but it was perfect for us!
The only couples I knew that succeeded with marriage at that age didn't go to college. Everyone that tried it with college divorced. An insignificant sample size but just sharing what seemed pretty common. That being said I know couples that waited until post college and married that are most successful including my parents and also couples in my generation. College is a hugh test as many break up and are better off.
No you’re spitting facts rn. Especially at that age in this new era. Not like how it was in the 70s-90s
Social media will destroy 99% of these teenage marriages. The brain isnt even fully developed at that age which is why they make impulsive decisions. On top of that seeing their peers go out and party, travel, getting attention from the opposite sex, etc on social media will make most couples feel like they are missing out.
This what I have observed as well.
My husband and I were married at 18 and 19. I have my BA and he has a Masters and it was the best decision ever. Married 27 years. Just depends on the kids.
My husband and I got married at 18&20, I finished up some college online and worked part time from home our first year of marriage but he has always solely provided for us working construction and then started his own business. I agree that college would’ve made it so much harder for us. I think it’s good for kids to get married young and figure out what real life is like and what real love is like - and working in the trades is underrated.
I got married at 18, my husband was 19. We both had full time jobs and he had already been living on his own since 17 after graduating high school early. I was already paying for my car insurance and cell phone. We didn’t go to college, we didn’t have debt. Our Christian faith was our priority as well as our sexual purity, so that was partial motivation to our early wedding. Our parents did not support us financially in any way after we were married. Best decision we ever made. Yes, we had some growing up to do together but our marriage is very strong. We’ve been married for over 12 years now. We didn’t have children until 9 years in. It’s not as scary as this video seems to be if both people are wise enough and already bearing responsibility well. The prolonged infantilization and perpetual support of children in today’s society is doing them a disservice. College is not an essential and I do NOT regret getting married instead of going to college.
I mean you say that but you're probably kind of broke. On average, having a college degree means you're going to make a million more dollars over the course of your lifetime.
No, we aren’t broke. We have plenty on just my husband’s income. We have a nice emergency fund and no debt. We bought both our cars with cash. We own our home. I’m free to stay home with both our children and have no need to work outside the home anymore (though I could if I wanted to). It’s been a huge blessing to not have anything hanging over our heads that would keep us from achieving our dreams - without the college degrees. We both have had successful careers in the sectors and industries we always wanted to work in. Granted, by getting married young we didn’t have much at first but we were afforded TIME. Time to start investing for retirement and savings. We just had to make wise choices. Marrying young isn’t for everyone, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Mind y’all we are millennials too so we went against the grain of most people in our generation.
@@ineedhoez With the Lord, all things are possible.
@@mandyrvery happy for you. Great job. I thought this was going to be another post from people who did this 50 years ago which let's be honest is not exactly the same thing. Continued success
@@sherip1270yes, to God be the glory.
I got married two days after I graduated high school. I had a job and an apartment because I got emancipated when I was 16. I grew up with wait till you get married to have sex and so this seemed like the best decision ever.
I highly doubt I'd marry my now ex-wife (divorced at 25) if we waited until we were 20. A lot of flags became apparent in those two years. Telling them both the weight of all of it is hard but to me is a tremendous act of love. Caller sounds like a great dad.
Looking back now, what do you think motivated you to get married so soon?
@@am5635 I truly believed that God didn't want people who weren't married to have sex. I was part of True Love Waits since 6th grade and it was all that either I grasped or was told. Get married to someone in your same church and you're good. When I was 20 I started actually reading and there was way more depth to the true love parts and as John points out a 17 year olds grasp of "love" is vastly different then someone even in their 20s. For example, my mother in law got very ill (on dialysis type ill) and my wife refused to help me and by brother in law take care of her until she passed away a year and a half later. Along with a lot of other entitlements I never noticed as a lovestruck 15 year old. Not saying I was perfect either, I am a lot to deal with too, if something needs (or I think it needs) to be done, it HAS to get done and that can be grating to someone that hasn't agreed to it.
TL;DR: High School is a terrible time to determine compatibility.
Dang dude, are you me?
You married to have sex😂 bro what an idiot
@@am5635 coochie that's what motivated him
She wants to get married but refuses to pay for her own car insurance: the answer is NO. Grow up first.
under 18 her parents are responsible for her expenses ... she is 17
What?? Why are western people so weird on what they consider maturity?
She’s been paying for her own car insurance. Her dad helped her set that payment up.
@@alqoshgirl Trust me if you've seen 17-year-olds today in the west they are nowhere near mature. Having a full-time job most kids won't do it. Let me guess you're not from the States? Things cost money here my friend. Idk how you find this weird statistically the younger you are when you get married here it does not workout.
@@alqoshgirl Because western people are in prison (aka "school") until they are eighteen. You are literally property until you are eighteen. It is a very sheltered culture. You don't work, you don't own anything, you don't have any money... then suddenly you are expected to know how to juggle all of that overnight. You are lucky if you have parents who care at all, but most parents are tuned out because they are burnt out trying to survive, themselves.
My parents wanted me to get married about 3 months later than I did (and mentioned that they could help out more if I waited). Did I wait? Nope. I didn't want a fancy wedding or to spend a lot of money on it. I just wanted to not drag out the engagement process when we had thought through a lot of things (that we could - of course there's stuff that you can't figure out beforehand that will always be).
We both believed in waiting for sex until marriage and both looked at ourselves and was like that's going to be a hard one when we already know what we want in this deal. Not waiting isn't always about maturity. Sometimes it's being mature enough to know yourself and what you wNt in life etc.
We were also told to wait at least a year before getting pregnant with our 1st. Didn't follow that recommendation either. Sometimes when people take a path and they regret it they assumed that everyone else who does that is also going to regret it just because they did. Gave birth to our 4th a year ago - honestly, I kind of wish that some of this timeline was even earlier than it was... Very glad I didn't listen to recommendations to delay it even more than it already was delayed.
If your daughter throws a fit about it being too long to wait then you can say something about her maturity. But, sometimes you need to respect when your adult child leaves a generous offer from you on the table because maybe what they want in life is a little bit different than what you want or what you think they want. I feel no entitlement to my parents money or my parents babysitting help or anything else. When they give it, I am thankful. But, often when they give it under conditions, I say "no thanks, but thank you so much for the generous offer." And I don't believe that's immaturity on my part 🤷♀️
Such maturity on your part. Had fun reading your comment. Awesome job! Blessings!
Yes! This is similar to my story. I didn't follow anyone's advice (especially not the divorced ones). Got married at 18, got pregnant on the honeymoon, and basically did everything people said not to do. We're 4 kids in, 8 years, and still completely happy and confident that we made the right choice.
I got married at 18. 9 years and 2 kids later and It’s been a good thing for us. I really think it highly depends of how the couple thinks and approaches life. ❤ Side note and not necessarily something I’d recommend but I got pregnant 2 months in. We have wonderful kids and a wonderful life.
No money, no marriage. Marriage is an adult commitment and should not depend on parental financing. Dad has been suckered into this. This is an awful idea. They both need full time jobs and understand the adult world.
I love this caller. I wish I had a Dad like him. I like the advice Dr. Delony gave too. While the daughter and future son-in-law are very young, there are always exceptions to the rule and I hope they are all able to live happily ever after :)
I got married right when I turned 19. Way too young. I did not have the opportunity to go to college because of it, then I had children right away. I was planning on 3 years, but got pregnant honeymoon night. I will never regret having my children, but I will always regret not finishing college and beginning a career first. I made for a very unhealthy marriage and power and earning disproportionate relationship where who I was or what was important to me was squashed.
Sadly you’re wrong. It was best to have kids first and career later. It’s sad you couldn’t love what you had in the moment. We can see in society now how messed up many people’s life are because they chose career over a family when young.
@@alqoshgirlno you’re wrong. How can you tell someone else how to see their life. That’s her life you’re saying is wrong, and you’re saying it’s wrong because of what, society? If we went by society’s standards, then your statement and everyone else’s beliefs would be wrong as well. She’s giving her perspective, you know nothing about her to know why she felt that way, the small things that built up to how she came to this judgement. OP, I see your stance, and I think it’s real how you are able to admit how you truly feel. Ignore the commenter who wants to be judgmental and tell you how you should see or live your life.
@@Jennie-hi2ti society tells her she did her life wrong and she should’ve chosen a useless degree and career over a loving family. Yes I can tell people what is right as this is a public forum where people share opinions idiot
@@alqoshgirl there might be some truth in what you say if you had two whole and healthy individuals going into a marriage with community and family support. If not, there is a lot of room for abuse.
@@alqoshgirl I believe that getting the education first is much easier. You may decide to postpone the career a bit for the sake of raising children, but it is much easier to get the education when you don’t have kids.
I married my high school sweetheart 1 year after graduation. 26 years married now. We got married mainly because his parents said you're out as soon as you graduate and it was easier with both of our incomes and living together before marriage was not an option. His parents shoved us right into marriage. Don't regret it now, but it hasnt always been easy.
I got married at 19. My wife was 21. Now we've been married for 7 years and are more in love than ever. We love that we built our lives together and had no other experiences with other people. Neither one of us ever dated anyone else so we have no baggage at all. I hate that everyone is encouraged to wait. If you are raised to be committed it's not risky to get married so young.
To add to this, I was 12 when I met her and knew very early on that I wanted to be with her. 🤷♂️ Neither of us went to college either and both have successful jobs. I'm surprised by John's response to this caller.
You're talking like 18 year olds have the maturity of a 10 year old. That's messed up.
I think this a great opportunity to to vet her boyfriend and prepare her for marriage-regardless of if they ultimately marry. Once kids leave the home you loss so much visibility into their dating choices.
I’m so appreciative of this discussion. I’m not even looking to agree or disagree, I’m curious to know the different ways to approach this life situation, THANK YOU for this channel ❤
Married at 19 and 22 here. We hit 20 years this year, happier and healthier than ever. My aunt married at 19. She is still happily married 50 years later. Once you're an adult, you can make the choice you want to make. So as a parent, support them by preparing them to make those choices wisely. The #1 best thing my parents did was not fight with me, but talk to me and treat me as the adult I was and prepare me to make wise choices in marriage. We finished college together +1 kid, now we have 4, and if my kids want to marry young, I hope I have taught them to choose their future spouse using wise principles and to understand marriage requires a lot of hard work and mutual sacrifice.
This dad is spot on IMO. He's got good instincts. And John's instinct is right as well, particularly setting the stage with the prospective son-in-law.
I married at 17. I don’t recommend it. No way was i ready
I wasn’t ready either, but I grew up fast. I’m grateful my husband hung in there.
My husband and I got married at 17 and 18. My parents had to sign an authorization form before the wedding. It was a small, cheap ceremony. We had both had jobs since we were 14, had huge responsibilities, been dating for 3 years and our parents grew up in the same town! We've been married for 8 years with baby #3 on the way and I'm more in love with my husband then I've ever been. Not about age, but there has to be a high level of maturity.
This caller is such a good Dad!
I married the day after my 18th birthday. It was tough, but we have now been married for 37 years. He was 21 when we got married. I had no doubts, maybe it was naivety, but it’s worked out. All you can do is support her.
If they get married at 18, then they are choosing to enter FULL adulthood at that time. Working, paying her own bills, etc.
All that being said, my first love I was with for 10 years (14-24). I broke up with him, feeling like we were too young, and I wanted to see what else was out in the world. I'm now 58 and it turns out he was the love of my life. 💔 It's impossible for the parents to know if they'll last or not.
go to Jamaica and get a Rent a Dread
Unfortunately that's the message the world tries to brainwash Society with. It's always about you. You first. Live your life to the fullest and complete the long list of everything you want in life first before you settle down and have kids. People don't realize it's better to fulfill that list with your family then alone and just because you have a family doesn't mean you're not independent. It is a message being spoken especially to women and that is why so many women are having kids in their late thirties and forties now. Unfortunately they don't realize this is a ploy from the government for population control just to name one.
Thank you for this, needed to hear it. Also a mom going through these tough teenage years of parenting.
My sister got married at 19 and he was 18. 200+ attended the wedding paid for by parents. My sister left the marriage around
6 years into it, leaving my 4 yr old nephew behind. She needed to explore life by herself. And they were 2 educated, intelligent people (so I thought).
2 educated, at 19 and he was 18. How many years of college at that point? You are not educated at that age. Intelligent at any age, educated once you have your BA/BS
So sad. 😢
would these 200 people still would have attended the wedding if they knew they would have gotten a divorce?
If you want to get married, you're on your own financially.
I totally agree!
I spoke with a longtime friend of mine last night, who I met in college. She started dating her husband when she was 17 years old. We were literally laughing at the fact that he moved to the same college town in order to follow (be with) her. They got engaged when she was 19, and married for 27 years. Three kids and she got her college degree in accounting. She's been in Oil and Gas accounting for over 20 years. It's tough, and they can make it.
I know this is a different generation we live in, but I married at 18. 19 years later, we are still rocking and rolling.
My mom was scared for us, but was very supportive. My stepdad also got my husband (then fiancée) a job where he worked. My husband worked there for 7 years while I attended school. Once I finished school, my husband went to school. I am a social worker and my husband is a network engineer. Not to mention the 1st 4 years of marriage, we had 3 kids.
It’s important to understand your kids mentality. I remember people referring to me as an “old soul.” I never understood until years later that I matured faster than my fellow peers. It truly depends on the individual(s) 🙏🏽
Good! I’m 44, alone & have no family bc I believed the lie that I had to screw around & prolong my adolescence for as long as possible. Get married & have a family! Learn from the mistakes of those of us who believed fools.
It's too late for kids but not for a meaningful relationship. Set standards for yourself and the men you date. You don't have to have sex early in a relationship if you're not ready. Holding out isn't playing games. It's taking care of yourself. Start seeing a therapist to help you meet your goals.
I would have loved for him to ask the question about their faith and religious background. If they were both raised in the “faith” and practicing Christians, maybe they wanted to get married because they wanted to do the right thing and wait until marriage and I would say that in itself would make them mature enough. The father sounds like a very well rounded balance man which leads me think there is a definite faith background in his family!
The Church is a pedophile institution. That in itself would be a horrible reason to justify this marriage
Rushing into marriage just because you wanna have sex does not sound mature to anyone who hasn’t been indoctrinated into that particular religious worldview.
He sounds like a loving and caring dad.
I didn’t meet my husband until we were in our 30s. I shudder to think how my life would have turned out if I’d married the guy I was sooooo in love with when I was 18!
For every "successful" teen marriage touted in these comments, how many failures are there that people don't admit to?
How many 60 years olds have been married 3 times?
Until 80 years ago, Marriage at 18 years old was perfectly normal. They also didn't divorce as much as we do now. Was it perfect? No, but it was better for children and families overall.
Failure is part of life, you get up, dust yourself off and try again.
Exactly. Times are so much different now than 20-30+ years ago. it's like comparing apples to oranges.
@@gbear34a lot. I’m in my 40s so parents to kids my age are 60s and up. Probably half of my friends in school came from divorced homes. My parents married in their mid 20s and were married 55 years when my mom died.
@@gbear34Lol they didn't divorce as much because there was way less information and resources for women especially in abusive relationships.
More young people should be listening to this episode. To hear how transparent this father is regarding his daughter and getting this advice from John, heck, the whole conversation, should be eye opening to those that are thinking about getting married young.
My husband and I got married at 19 28 years ago. We have grown up together and grown closer. Time goes by so fast. I am so glad we've had all this time to start young and build a life together. Of course people have to be mature and committed enough to make it work and our mutual faith beliefs has been instrumental for us in this, but marrying young, under the right circumstances, can be a very beautiful thing.
At 18 I wanted to get married. I’m now 23 and I feel like that was a lifetime ago! I was a baby! Thank goodness it didn’t work out- I had a lot of maturing to do. And I still do. This poor girl ought to live some life on her own and be responsible before saying yes to forever with someone. 😅❤
most marriages in America end in divorce anyways so in the big picture it really doesnt matter what age she marries
u made a terrible mistake. You gonna wait til 35 (when men no longer have any interest in marrying you) to start looking to settle down? I would never marry a woman over 24.
@@Public_land_trail_cams 😂
@@boston312Go deeper on the data: the older and better educated you are when you get married, the less likely you are to divorce. That's why John thinks this is a bad idea.
so maybe the divorce rate decreases from 52% to 40% if you marry older. The chances are still extremely risky marrying in America. Especially as a man, where you can end up paying child support, alimony payments, losing assets and a pension. Dr John has sent many men to the slaughter house with his pro marriage views@@jazzycarlianna
I got into my relationship at 17. My parent’s divorced my senior year and both did not set up a college fund for me so I knew I had no help. 5 years later and I still do not want to get married until I graduate college. I made that very clear from the beginning. School and my career are far more important to me right now than marriage so my partner and I agreed to wait. Although my family doesn’t like the fact that we live together, we’ve learned so much about ourselves, each other and what we want our future to look like. He works full-time and pays for a lot that I’m not able to cover and I’m so grateful. It is very hard not having financial help from my parents but it was my decision to go to University and I have never asked them for help. I work two jobs and am a full time student and one of those jobs is in my career field! I’m also in the middle of an internship. It’s hard but I have a packed portfolio and tons of experience and I’m only a Junior and I have an amazing supportive future husband by my side. I was very lucky that we were on the same page from the beginning and were mature enough to do this. A lot of couples are not
I got married at 18 and my husband was 18 as well and we are still going strong 14 plus years later.
Very interested call. I say as a mom of 3, if they aren't able to pay for their own wedding, they aren't ready to get married. My husband and I paid for ours and did not ask a penny from anyone. As of now, I expect them to save before they embark in such complex lifestyle as a married couple. They can always have a small ceremony if they dont want to pay so much for a wedding as it is expensive.
What a good dad.
First of all, I all bs on "they're not going to have any money going to school full time". I worked, often full time work, while going through college. It's possible and honestly healthy.
Also, personally speaking, if I'd married who I thought I wanted to marry when I was 17, my life would be hell. Others may have different experiences, but the odds are not in their favor.
The real sad part are parents that think their children are entitled to their money and have raised their children to think that way.
Lots of soft parents out there now that spoil their children and don't make their kids work for anything. Especially true with gen x parents.
You’re not wrong. But the neglect that a lot of GenX kids got from our parents made us want to treat our kids better. We tend to go too far the other way, but it is a reaction to not having parents who modeled a good balance.
Lol if you look at the wealthiest and most successful families they all have trust funds/inheritances set up for their kids. Obviously there needs to be a balance but you aren't doing your kids and favors by cutting them off financially lol.
@@lebumjames1373 where did I say cut them off? Also Hunter was a trust fund baby and not all would argue that he has done well in life.
@@lebumjames1373 Showing your kids some work ethic is required is a good thing. Paying for everything for kids is a big problem and makes kids entitled and lazy.
My parents made it clear from a younger age (before high school) that once my sister and I were married they expected us to be financially independent. If we got married we would need to support ourselves 100% from that point forward. Yes - they wanted us to get our college degrees; however, they would not have given us any financial support during our college years if either of us had gotten married before we graduated.
I love this Dr. Delony! That young lady will feel so loved and cared for by her father! Such an important message to send!
Got married at 18 Best thing I ever did highly recommend it
I’m glad it worked for you, but you beat the odds. The majority of people who follow your recommendation end up divorced.
Survivorship biased
Absolutely not… your luckiness does not equate into luckiness for others.
@@shabnamkarimi3861 well I get it A lot of people are really stupid You're either ready to be married at 18 or it 38 some people are just mature and hardworking other people aren't
@@greenAbbot yeah you just have to have good parents have a good head on your shoulder willing to work hard it's not for everybody lot of people are lazy and stupid
If they still need financial support they are not ready to get married. No staying in mom and dad’s car insurance, cellphone, etc. Do they both plan to work enough to pay for an apartment and living expenses? If not, they are not ready. If they think they can play house on your dime, nope.
We were married at 19, now 44 + 4 kids and an awesome marriage. It can work however we were both very mature for our age.
I got married 2 months after turning 18, he was 19. We were married for 7 years before we gor divorced. It was THE HARDEST 7 years of my entire life. We now share a baby, so I am forever attached to the guy I chose at 16, who is not at all the person he was then now, and neither am I. There was no convincing me at 18 that that was a bad idea
My husband and I married one year out of high school and were married college students for the next 3 years. Got degree and have had 53 yrs of marriage. It will be hard for them as long as they understand they will not have ANY EXTRA money during school and they may live in an apartment above someone’s garage. It can be done but it’s a big commitment 💕
Being married young and all the way through college was the best thing we did. We got to plan our future from the beginning. Three kids, successful businesses, and 27 years together has been a crazy ride!
You're grown once you get married. All financial support ends and you figure it all out.
100% I got married at 19 and my parents didn't need to tell me that. Which also made them even more worried because that meant even if they didn't want us to marry we were actually adults who could figure that part out ourselves.
You can throw a beautiful wedding for $5k-$7. My first wedding in 2004, we did with a budget of $1000. My second wedding in 2009, I indulged in things that weren’t necessary but still only spent $4000. You don’t need a “Pinterest perfect” wedding, especially if you can’t afford it. It’s ONE day and you probably won’t remember half it.
I agree you don’t need a “Pinterest perfect wedding” but in this day and age 5-7k does not get you far with a wedding unless you only have a few guests and do not have a meal. Prices are much, much higher than they were in 2009. Where I am located catering was in the 5-7K price range for a guest count of 170 and that was one of the cheapest options! I do think you need to evaluate your financial situation and plan accordingly though.
@@evangelineellington9240 I reserved a church gymnasium for free and bought 30lbs of pork shoulder and we made pulled pork sandwiches. Other families pitched in with sides. Meals don’t need to be catered.
@@whatintheheck4692Good for you hun! We were happy to provide a meal for our family and friends. To each their own and to each what can fit into their means and what you are willing and able to give.
how many wedding did you have? What do you say when they ask you to repeat "till death do us part"? Do you and your husband just skip that part?
@@boston312😂😂😂
Dude... my oldest daughter is 12. If I have to deal with something like this in 5 years my brain will explode.
Support them and let them get married! It’s so much easier building together than merging lives later in life. People complain about the drop in marriage rates and how people are getting married “too old” (30+) but then say 18 is too young. Get real.
People still need to be prepared. You can’t just go in and “wing it “.
Divorce rates decrease as age at time of marriage increases.
I love all this advice. I was engaged at 18 and married a few months after turning 19. We are over 17 years in, we have a wonderful life and marriage and 4 beautiful children. Mind you I had lived a lot of life in that time, working in high school, losing people very close to me, including my mom who I helped care for as well as helping in a big way with the house over her 4 year battle with cancer. My husband was 3 1/2 years older than me and he had lived on his own paying all his own bills since he was 18 and also lost his mother when he was younger. Dare I say we had experienced a few bumps and bruises from life our parents would have liked to shield us from that left us a bit more mature than many others at the same age... It was hard, we both had a lot of growing up to do, but we both just refused to quit and came out stronger and so much better on the other end. That said the idea of my oldest daughter being engaged in 4 years like I was is terrifying and I have no idea how my parents let me get married so young! lol
I wanted to be a grown up at 18. I joined the military. No safety nets, no mom or dad to cry to or pick up the pieces. Depending on what you did, your life and safety was on the line. You grow up real quick.
Marriage at 18 shows immaturity because all it does is screams, I want to be seen as a grown up compared to actually being a grown up.
No it screams 'I'm trying to do the right thing', and they should be commended for doing this instead of falling for the pervasive non-commital hookup culture.
@SIGSEGV1337 How about not doing either. You have an either / or and I disagree.
No matter though. If you are doing the right thing as you put it, THEN that also means NOT living off of Mom and Dad. Unless you think financially carrying kids is ok.
@@SIGSEGV1337Besides, join the military, you'll grow up real quick.
So you basically traded in your parents for Uncle Sam. We all know you're treated like a kid in the military when you're a low rank young kid. You're not exactly on your own. You get housing, food, benefits and are told what to do on a daily basis.
@@Ryan-wx1bi Who is we? Did you serve?
What I would have given to have a father like this. Great job Dad. This was one of my favorite calls.
Aaand the girl will get pregnant "accidentally" and will have to drop out of college to raise the child while the guy finishes college, gets a degree and moves on with his career. Than of course issues will come and they will get a divorce and the girl will be a struggling single mom living paycheck to paycheck while the guy will go ahead and get married with a more mature mindset and career perspective and will start a new family. The end!
This is true
didnt happen back then and people were getting married at 16 so its really a culture matter
Naw. Plot twists. Courts give her half of all his assets and money, child support, alimony, one of the cars, and the house, leaving the ex husband starting over with nothing but depression while she's already talking with office Chad
That scenario has definitely been played out by some. Lets hope it plays out well. BUT PEOPLE DO CHANGE!
@@RedLegPiper She should get half if they built their life together since their teenage years, lol. But women end up worse than men financially after divorce, sorry to burst that red pill bubble.
I got engaged at 18, married at 19, first baby at 20. I wouldn’t trade this life with my husband, and now three children, for anything.
Get married when you can support yourself. You want to me married but need Mommy and Daddy’s support? Grow up!
My parents slowly handed me the reins of my own financial life between college graduation at 22 and marriage at 23. We had a simple courthouse ceremony and were fully independent by that point. It made money a simple, fun topic in our house. We've now been married almost 5 years and I thank my parents for blessing our marriage, accepting our decision to do it on our own terms, and gracefully handing us the burden of responsibility for our own expenses. It's made for a super fun last 5 years. ❤
Sure, a lot of you in the comments are talking about your successful marriage at a young age. The fact is rhe number of divorces substantially increase if you get married below 25.
Exactly
Tell them
I got married the first time at 19. OMG was that a dumb idea! I said no the first time he asked. I should have stuck to that answer.
Puppy love is a powerful force chemically. Sounds like they are also finding a euphoria together after growing up with helicopter "value system" rents.
You got that right!
I wholeheartedly believe if my dad were of sound mind (he had/has dementia), he wouldn't have let me marry my ex. He was nowhere near ready. In some ways, I wasn't ready either. This is so good that this girl had such an amazing father asking the right questions to protect her. I truly envy that. Good for them! I
Can’t smoke or drink till 21 but can get married at 18 😂!
Doesn't make sense.
How is this the same thing, even a 12 year old know smoking messes up your lungs. If you smoke you are not mature at any age, but you need maturity for marriage.
I got married at 19. I was already living on my own with a job and we knew we were paying for the wedding ourselve. I really think it depends on the teen. Also my husband could already provide for both of us but I kept working to save for a house. I'm 28 pregnant with our 4th. Other than our home we have no debt and a 4 month savings. We are truly happy and in love. My immaturity did cause problems but we worked though it and I worked hard on it.
A definite no. Things are so much different now than they were even 20-30 years ago... it's much much harder climate now for marriages, let alone ones where one or both individuals' frontal lobes aren't even fully developed. I watched my cousin marry at 18 (30 years ago) someone her dad seemingly "pushed" her to marry....and of course it didn't end well. With no college degree, she is still barely scraping by since the split. It's just so awful. Please don't let your children make this mistake.
I’m 32 and just got married at 31. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years before getting married (we met my senior year of college). I didn’t even have my first boyfriend until 17. I havnt been through that many relationships (only 4) but all were serious. My shortest relationship was 1 year. My mom got married right after she turned 18 and I feel she wishes she would have waited until she was older.
Also with money.. I think people these days should also understand it’s not the parents responsibly to pay for a wedding. Our wedding was around 30k and we paid for all of it ourselves. We didn’t ask our parents. That’s one reason we were engaged for 4.5 years. I wanted to be able to save up money for my wedding (no wedding debt). I could not imagine being married to any of my ex’s. And at that time I thought I wanted to marry them. But I’m so thankful I met my husband.
I don’t see the point in getting married at 18. Me and my wife started dating at 15 but didn’t get married until we were 28. It didn’t really change anything anyways.
Lol as if that’s normal. 28? What in the world. Living in sin, acting married for years is somehow normal 🙄
@@alqoshgirl We are atheists, we don’t really subscribe to the whole sin thing. I guess if you are religious then getting married early makes more sense. It also might make sense if you plan to have kids but we’re 35 now and still haven’t tried for one so that wasn’t really a factor for us.
@@alqoshgirlthere's no such thing as "acting married." It's a legal status; that's it and that's all.
Gotta say, I’ve so incredibly thankful I didn’t marry the girl I was with at 18. There are exceptions, but nearly everyone I’ve ever known says that same thing.
Two of my daughter's got married young. We paid for the modest wedding but no financial support after the wedding. They are both still married and doing well.
My daughter is the same way. She just turned 18 and so did her boyfriend of 3 years. Thankfully her boyfriend wants to wait for a few more years before getting married. We made a deal with them was that they had to be on birth control. To be sure there was no whoops your a grandma.
I am thankful that my daughter feels safe enough to talk through things with me. I also am thankful for the ability to be able to talk to her boyfriend. The toughest part has been we have very different values from his family. So it's been a tough conversation.
It's better than them living together! I got married at 19 he was 18 and have been married for 41 years!❤
I loved living together before marriage. It was definitely the right decision for us.
Why is it better than them living together?
The guy I was dating at age 17 was literally the most toxic relationship imaginable and took me years to recover from. Thank god I didn’t end up married to him. I would’ve been cheated on many times, and most likely left alone with kids. And never found myself. There are rare exceptions, but for most people, it is important and necessary to find yourself as an adult and figure out who you are and what you want before you get married. Otherwise you open the door to marrying the complete wrong person for yourself that doesn’t improve your life. And having no identity outside of the other person.
Good for them for wanting to get married instead of shacking up. They have a better chance that way. I agree with the other comments, coach them! Support them but challenge them too. My husband and I got married at 18 and we have been married now for 15 years with 4 kids. It’s been hell but that’s marriage. We are stronger and more in love now than we ever were!! We would have started out so much better if our family supported us, instead both sides went against us and hard!
Coach them dad! Be there for them! Teach them.
“Shacking up” was one of the best decisions my wife and I ever made. It taught us a lot. And after almost 30 years of marriage, not a second of it was “hell”. I feel so sorry for you if you think that’s what marriage is, but maybe a little shacking up would have given you some information before you made a lifetime commitment.
@@greenAbbot It's not some cost/benefit analysis though. Having sex and living together outside of marriage is sinful (according to my beliefs and the beliefs of many others). Also, if you do want to look at it from a cost/benefit perspective, the statistics pretty clearly show that marriages are less likely to end in divorce without premarital sex.
@@ImTheWinningest That a marriage lasts for a long time does not mean it is good. People that do not live together and have no premarital sex tend to be very traditional / religious. So they are not likely to divorce even if they are very unhappy, if there is abuse etc. There is something about living together that brings all the ego and neuroses out in the open. So the lovebirds can see if they still like each other when they are not feeling the love.
Also: if there are severe sexual problems, no compatibility - it is more likely to come out.
Then they can break up, if the cannot fix things. Both have a chance to find a partner that they are more compatible with or they are more mature and have learned from their first try.
@@franziskani As I said, cost/benefit was just a side point. The main point is that extramarital sex is a sin called fornication.
My daughter got married at seventeen and a half, graduated early from high school, to her nineteen year old boyfriend, they have been married for seventeen years now, they waited and had one daughter. Still a very in love. ( They lived with his parents until they got on their feet, and both finish school, he was an only child).My mother married my father at sixteen and a half, they were married for over sixty four years until he passed away. ( The good old days of the forties, when no one really had much).
In all honesty, it’s quite lovely that two people want to commit to being with each other. As an older person I find more and more people afraid to get married. Yes it is highly likely that it may not work out but I don’t think that the spirit of it should be diminished. I think showing them a path for success would be the best way to go.
Most likely they just don't want to feel guilty for having sex.
I got a promise ring and a handmade ring from my highschool sweetheart... I cared for him deeply but I felt deep down that something was under the surface, he wasn't as attracted to me and I felt the relationship wasn't as strong as I wanted. We both had big big angst at our homes... his folks were divorcing and I knew I could not remain at home with my folks any longer... so I broke it off as gently as possible and returned the rings to him, and we tried to go our separate ways. He came out about 10 years later and has been with his partner o er 20 yrs and I'm so glad he found his way in life. I went thru a decade long abusive relationship and didn't marry until 12 yrs later, and we've been together going on 29 yrs. In my case, I think the promise ring meant that we were desperately trying to commit and cling to one another to ride out the coming storms in our respective lives.
I got engaged at 18, married at 20. It’s been 18 years, my only regret it that we didn’t get married a year earlier.
I think it depends on the situation. I married my wife after only being with her 2 months. So we had met online and were long distance but after being 2 months together in person I decided to marry her. On paper this was an insane decision.
We’ve now been happily married 10 years. The reason I married her is because we connected on a deep level and had become best friends. We both were a perfect match physically. And most importantly she shared the same values as me.
Specifically I don’t like to drink or party. I’m more socially conservative and my wife was the exact same way. So even though I technically rushed into marriage on paper, I just knew she was the one. It was actually more so we couldn’t stand being apart anymore. It was too painful not being together. So the move to be married was actually a necessity.
All that said I do not think this kid should get married. The issue isn’t his age or lack of experience. Because again I believe it’s possible to meet the right person at any age. The issue is all the red flags that show this relationship isn’t the perfect union he believes.
The fact that she won’t pay her own insurance among other things tells me she isn’t ready for marriage and this guy also needs to spend more time with her to see if this relationship can stand the test of time.
That was a great episode Dr.D. Best one of the start of 2023.
Why doesn't the father just tell her he doesn't bless the marriage at this point in time and the wedding money is attached to his blessing. So they can go get married on their own or they can wait for his blessing. Then if he sees them struggle financially he can use some wedding money to help them along their way, because there is absolutely a need for parents to be helpful and involved in the marriages of their children. People dont generally support yheir kids at all after marriage and that is partly why marriages fail so much these days.