My spouse does this. He dissociates every single time a conversation goes deeper than the surface. This is why divorce is just around the corner. He has been to therapy but won't out in tye effort to make his life better. We wives are not here to give up our happiness to tiptoe around someone else's trauma. I sincerely hope this caller is in a better place today.
Go sister. I tip toed for decades, kept my shield up for the assaults. He didn't go for help and ruined 2 lives, mine and my sons. We are gone. You have to save yourself at some point.
It’s really hard when you know they are traumatized but by leaving it makes them face that their coping mechanism is not working And is the most loving thing you can do.
Interesting comments. I've been at the end of my rope for so so long. I've been checked our for over a year. I have two beautiful children and am just physically and mentally spent on giving any more to what feels like a nasty abyss.
And it's 100% true. I have had several deaths in my family including my youngest child and mother. While I don't typically express grief through a lot of crying, what I realize looking back is that I don't remember much during those times of immense grief. Like literally, months/years are completely blocked. Memory loss is certainly a coping mechanism.
@@Yaya-cl3tu I’m so sorry that must have been really hard for you 🥺 i can’t imagine. I went through a pretty dark depression for 3-4 years and I honestly only can remember certain things if I try really hard. I got really good at disassociating to get away from the hurt I was in.
Same for me. I realized partway in that it was clear he went through some insane level evil in his childhood. Really hope he gets top notch therapy. Not the regular stuff he can only heal with an expert.
I do feel sorry for him. But at the same time I can definitely understand how his wife just couldn't keep dealing with this every time something unpleasant happened in their lives. She probably couldn't even rely on him paying a phone bill.
‘You need to see a good trauma therapist immediately’ (paraphrase) This man : ‘ what will happen?’ My God…. You can hear the wounded child in his adult male voice. Please Lord help this man.
I can feel..been there. I am so sorry for you. I still have challenges, I'm 64. Please ya'all... I'm begging you.... I don't know where to write this, but please, please, cease using my God's name in vain. John! You should know not to say: MY God! OMG....... I know it seems so petty to some.. but God has brought me through so much pain in my life and married life of 45 years! It's been hard!! God is the love of my life, no
@@susangrande8142 ...hi Susan.. no offense here, but the Bible says explicitly : Thou shalt NOT use the name of the Lord your God in vain.. Anyways...however you see it.....
@@gosplesongs8153 okay; what is God’s name them? Tell me that. As I said: “God” is a title. So is “Adonai,” which means lords or masters in Hebrew. Yes, plural. And another title.
👏🏿 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿 to Dr.Jonh for not exploiting his trauma. He wasn't ready, and Dr.Jonh as the professional that he is saw it an didn't allow him to go there without proper guidance. Amazingly conducted call.
That was the bravest call I think I've ever heard on this show. I really respect how John heard every time the caller was about to be past the level of what he could deal with and simplified the question or changed directions to re-empower the caller to speak what he could and as much as he could without overloading him.
My life literally changed the day I read “The Body Keeps The Score”. I had no idea of all the issues carrying trauma for so long causes to our bodies. I suggest everyone to read that too.
This is the reason why such horrendous crimes against the most innocent among us must be punished way harder than they are. Those monsters ruin peoples lives for generations to come. I am so sorry for this man on this call and so proud of him for making this call. How difficult this must be. I wish you nothing but healing and love
@Lola yes, completely. But it probably came from generations before too. It's not as easy as "those monsters" (and ofc they are, of course they deserve that label and everything you wrote is 100% true) - but the uncomfortable truth also is that most perpetrators never got a working toolkit themselves, never got outlets, never got really safe cultural spaces etc. We need vulnerarbility and open discussions, we need equality among genders, breaking stereotypes to stop the cycles - instead of thinking of good and evil. That is a comforting, religious kindergardener way to think about things. It is not that easy and we all need to take responsibility every day to do better as the new generation.
@@ena.takeoverso I should wish that 40 yr old man that took my virginity at 4 yrs old and rearranged my guts for over a year had an outlet??? He was evil and I found him in my 30's and blew his face off. That's something a kindergartener wouldt do. But he was a hurting man that needed help.. you've have nothing ever happen to you or your kids. Don't comment on $hit you know zero about you twat
@@ena.takeoverclearly you were never SA’ed as a child or adolescent. Had you been, you wouldn’t be thinking in these “terms.” Saying that putting things as good and bad is a “kindergarten way of thinking about things” is not only the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, but it’s so, so wrong! It’s so funny to me how many people can put such GenX verbiage to things, just so that they feel wise or smarter than - you are neither here. Just so you know, most perpetrators who are some of the worst offenders have had outlets to not offend or to not become a repeat offender for decades, but they chose to continue the cycle, or, are first timers who had these sick desires and still chose to act upon them. I refuse, as a child of SA and as an adolescent of r*pe, to ever hear that we should pity anyone who has done the things that myself and countless others have had to endure, and now carry for the remainder of our lives, because “poor pity them, they didn’t have the proper outlets” and they aren’t “good nor bad” that’s “just a label.” No hunny, it’s pure evil!! It’s literally the devil and his minions inflicting such sadistic and heinous acts upon the innocent. That is what I call BAD. Think long and hard next time before you spout your nonsense that you clearly have zero knowledge about, because this is true “kindergarten ways of thinking.” I pray that you nor anyone that you love ever has to endure anything of this magnitude just to wake you up from such distorted and ignorant thinking, I truly do.
@@ena.takeoverWe also need to teach kids HOW to parent. From year 12 upwards. Emotional intelligence should be taught as part of the school curriculum.
Woah that's a supremely one-sided judgy judgy assessment. Maybe SHE wasn't safe-enough or the type of person where one can feel safe to express feelings and dig into tough convos etc. Maybe he could actually talk to her, but not on convos that touch his trauma. Maybe she wasn't a nice person...or a good wife...or a patient lover...or or or etc etc. Maybe SHE couldn't cut it and work with her husband etc. There's many many variables as to why it didn't work out so attributing the main reason for her leaving on his one personal "weakness" is rude. Rude in judgement and manner. Yuck.
@@SalznPfeffer658 He literally said that she told him twice when she was leaving and he couldn't remember. If its a trauma induced issued thats fine but its difficult to be in a relationship with someone who forgets whole conversations that are difficult and need to be discussed. Did ya miss that part of the call?
Wow! Totally judgmental! The obvious thing is both of them should have counseling instead of just bailing out! They have a child together. Also, why you need marital counseling before getting married. It would of been addressed before marriage not afterwards!
I am a woman and I speak from experience far too many men fail to deal with their stuff in healthy ways and knowingly or unknowingly spend their whole lives punishing others for THEIR refusal to get out of denial. John cut through 50 years of a mans bs denial about this lack guys of healthy coping skills that likely led to his divorce.
My marriage with the now ex was a casualty of trauma that he went through long before we met. He has now moved on with someone else (started an affair with while married) I know he will carry on the same behaviour as he has refused to acknowledge he needs help and takes it out on every one else.
There is still a stigma to men seeking help. Current adult men grew up with that stigma and this is something they continue to tell themselves. "I need to handle this on my own." "I need to be the man of the house. No weakness." Fast forward to massive social media outbreak and you have women online dragging men for not dealing with their stuff and they get called names or they are dealing with their stuff and you'll hear something really stupid like, "If he admits to seeing a therapist, that's a red flag." Or that gives me the ick. Women, wives, girlfriends, need to be a safe space for the men in their life to turn to. A place they can be vulnerable, be heard and still feel loved. Somewhere they will have someone just listen to their day and not interject with things about themselves or their day or some comparison. Healing childhood trauma is no easy task. It's not easy for women or men. You must remember, when these traumas happened, that now grown man was just a small child. A helpless child at the mercy of anyone bigger than them. There's a reason so many men become alcoholics or have other destructive addictions...they haven't been given permission to hurt out loud.
I am in awe of how John conveys his love for total strangers over a phone call. I aspire to do the same and be that peace for those around me. Thank you for the example, Dr. Delony ❤
My goodness, I'm so furious for this man, and what this trauma has done to him. It's so unfair and cruel, because now he's losing his wife over damages that were done TO him and stunted his ability to function socially. I pray he gets every bit of help and love and support that he so desperately needs right now. My heart is just broken for this poor, sweet man.
Well said. I believe this is why my husband and I divorced, unhealed childhood trauma. The past stole our present and future. I'm proud of man for calling for help.
He has a massive issue with dissociating during heavy or traumatic events. To the point where he can’t even talk to his wife about regular big deal topics. I can’t blame her for leaving. That’s almost impossible to deal with.
@@blackcrow3718 only we can manage our triggers. But going with it and for argument’s sake saying she was terrible, even then a healthy person would have different boundaries and exit the relationship different.
I blame her for leaving. It’s not impossible to deal with, it’s just hard. If she’s the type of spouse to leave when her marriage becomes hard and difficult, she’ll be divorced again soon enough.
This was the first time a call brought me to tears. Such anguish in his voice and exhaustion from carrying that for so long. Sending him all the love and prayers for healing and recovery. 💔❤️🩹
I say this after a lot of Dr.. Delony’s calls, but especially this one - I’d really like to go 6-12 months down the road and see where this caller is. If he has gotten help, his life could be on the way to being completely, wonderfully different.
I love how he asked what was going to happen at therapy. Its the fear of the unknown that keeps a lot of us stuck. I wish him much success in the future 🙏
From the videos I've seen so far, this is Dr. Delony's best call. I have no formal training on any of these topics, but I think he absolutely knocked it out of the park with this poor caller. I feel so bad for this guy, I hope he finds peace and healing.
That wouldn’t help because his defense mechanism would go back up when he listens to the recording. Plus, that doesn’t address the problem. It’s just a band-aid.
As someone who scored very high on the ACES test because of childhood trauma, I really, really, really hope he gets the help he needs. My therapist was trained in dealing with trauma and if she didn't walk along with me in my journey, I never would have healed. She was amazing and allowed me the space to deal with stuff on my terms. I needed that peace in my life before it robbed me of my future. I am not my parents and the trauma they caused, ends with me.
@@MommasPeachCobbler True, she doesn't "owe" it, but I think if he asked her, and she did have love for him at one point (and probably still does to some extent), it would be very loving and kind of her.
Thank you, Dr. John for your empathy and kindness and talking to this caller who is very hurt and is experiencing a lot of emotional and psychological pain, and steering him in the right direction to get the help he needs.
“One of the hallmarks of childhood abuse is that everything has a … at the end of it ‘cause you’re never quite sure where it’s coming from.” 🤯 people have always teased me about being indecisive and you just nailed it.
me too. Someone once told me that I trail off at the end of my sentences when I'm talking. and I think that's what he was talking about. So interesting. And how he could tell he might have sexual abuse because of his words.
After 42 years of marriage, I too have left my husband. My husband has refused to face the neglect and physical trauma suffered in childhood. Inside he still is a child who can’t grow up emotionally. He hides in his work; I cannot imagine retirement years with him….
"He hides in his work." That is very interesting. I bet he is an entirely different person at work. Because the kinds of things I hear women complain about their husbands doing or not doing--not listening, tuning them out, not carrying through on their promises to take care of things--would not be tolerated in the workplace for very long. Your boss tells you to do something, you'd better do it. Your boss says, you need to stop doing this, you need to change how you interact with others, you'd better listen and not zone out or disassociate. That's not a roadmap to a successful career and I think deep down most people know it. Yet when it comes to marriage and relationships, all that seems go out the window. Why is that?
Him describing dissociating during a conversation as the other person "talking through a pillow" was spot on. That is exactly what it feels like to me. My head feels fuzzy and vacant. I used to dissociate so much that it was my normal state; my memory was so terrible I thought I was getting stupid or developing early onset dementia. I'd forget entire conversations, experiences, large blocks of time, etc. Trauma therapy (EMDR, DBT, somatic therapy and parts work, _not_ CBT-based talk therapy) was absolutely vital in helping me to realize that I was "floating away" all the time as a protective measure. Staying in the present could be so incredibly painful. I'm wishing the very best for this man, his soon to be ex-wife and their daughter 💙
@@kellharris2491 Very much so! That was something I didn't know when I first tried therapy for myself 3 years ago; I thought it was all the same. And thank you 🥰
I have deep sympathy for this guy. These things happened at an age where he could remember them, but he only knows what he’s been told because his brain was so traumatized, it completely blocked out years of his childhood. I really hope and pray he gets the help he needs.
This is the first time I can remember feeling so connected to a caller. I knew right away what was going on with his mind because I have experienced this too. I am going to keep you in my prayers, Mr Caller. I wish we could check in on your progress. Stay in counseling as long as you need. It took me years but my life is so much better and I am so happy, content and doing so well, I wish the same for you!
It's curious that this call is clearly a stressful situation, you can hear it in his voice that he is in distress, he's saying he's gonna cry so that's him admitting that it's a stressful situation, he even started talking about his trauma and yet he's able to remember and concentrate every single thing that the Doctor is saying to him but when his wife is talking to him he's conveniently blocking her out. Wonder how that works.
Driving me insane listening to this. I hope this called is doing well bc I doubt Dr John achieved much. I hope to God the called os frickin listening and takes to heart what he’s being told
Oh my heart broke when Dr. John asked if he was abusive and he said "not that I'm aware of" :( what a sweet and humble and conscientious person. You can tell he'd never ever hurt that little girl on purpose, but he doesn't have enough faith in himself or in the world to be able to say with certainty that she's 100% safe. I wish I could give him a hug
This is probably the most gut-wrenching call I have heard on the show. It's not what the caller said. It's what he didn't say. It's what he couldn't say because his body it's working so hard to protect him from the trauma of it all. Sybil.. It would not surprise me at all if he has some sort of dissociation personality disorder. My heart breaks for this guy and his family.
As another victim of extreme childhood trama with sexual abuse this made me breakdown in tears. I understand what it is like to be in his shoes other than everything triggered the memories of the event, it wasn't repressed. Therapy is a godsend please get help.
@@Joel-pg4yiexactly. I tried to “get help” from 5 different counselors/therapists and two different priests. None even came close to helping. All they wanted to try was medication’s, anxiety meds, depression meds, sleep meds etc. I have an addictive personality and refused the medications, aside from the depression meds, though they made absolutely zero difference to me. Other than causing me to gain weight which just made me feel worse. Of course the trauma from CSA resulted in my choosing a man who suffered from the same kinds of issues as my abusers too, so more trauma on top of the childhood stuff. Then add medical issues on top of that and it’s a recipe for more of the same. At this point I’m just too damn tired for any of it.
Reality is there’s not a lot of therapists who come close to John. This call was extremely valuable for the caller. Therapists I came across are very neutral, they just listen and sympathize, also affirm the victim narrative and induce poor me thinking. Thank god I have mentors who teach me to take 100% responsibility for my life and hold me accountable, if I wouldn’t have that I would succumb to victimhood land. I would advise for people seeking help to vent for the right therapist first. Have 5-6 appointments first and ask questions. You need someone who will hold you accountable and not treat you like you are weak poor thing not capable of doing much and shouldn’t ask yourself to do much because of everything you ve gone through. I love the fact John will still hold you accountable even though you ve been through a lot.
My dad is 65 and was horribly abused when he was a child. I wish I could’ve found Dr. John’s work when I was younger, and I could’ve shown him this video. The part where Dr. John describes peace: all the things that he says you wouldn’t have to do anymore like get mad when someone cuts you off, my dad does all those things. He’s never really been at peace the way I am. Because he gave me a good safe life. And I’m afraid it would be too painful for him to try to make progress and receive healing at this late age in life. I’m just glad these videos are out there for other people so that maybe they can get some help when they still have most of their life ahead of them
I'm 54 and I am healing from my childhood trauma. It's never too late to love yourself and find peace. There are always commenter's saying " I'm 70 years old and I found peace..."
Men are usually only loved by their mom and their wife. I guess not all have those even. A decent woman is a safe place and tremendously healing. A selfish wife only thinks about what she gets out of everything
@dazza8551 Helped him at her expense you mean. I'm guessing she stayed with him for years until she finally hit a breaking point. This guy needs intensive therapy. His wife is not a therapist.
I have dissociative PTSD from my time in the service. I have been taking Duloxetine for depression and anxiety. I have also been to a psychologist to ensure I have healthy coping mechanisms. I know that's very personal, but my story can help others. Please seek a psychologist AND a psychiatrist's professional services if you are blocking out trauma. You're not broken. You're just off track like a perfectly new train off a track. It works, but it can't move forward. I love you brother.
I have PTSD from childhood abuse and my Army service, and EFT and EMDR have been lifesavers for me. I’m so much healthier inside now that I have those tools to use.
@tosca donna I'm glad to hear that! I know others with childhood trauma/sexual abuse. It's still not taken seriously enough, and many shrug off hearing that it has caused PTSD. That's not fair or correct. Thank you for your service. You're amazing!
My dad and his siblings had a horrible childhood and my uncle cant remember anything about childhood. Brain protects itself! I relate to this man, my brain dissociates with hard things too.
I hope he goes for the help he needs. Listening to this call, so much reminded me of my husband of 30 years. I didn't understand what was going on with him, bur it caused many problems in our marriage over 30 years. Later he fell into depression, but I felt like I just couldn't reach him, as he would do that where he dissociated during difficult talks. He couldn't have those conversations. I for years felt not heard. Finally when he was 70 and I was 72, (almost 2 years ago) , I told him I couldn't take it anymore and was leaving him. I never really was going to leave, but thought that was the only way to get his attention, and show him that I meant it. The next morning he took his own life. Now I am alone at 74, missing him terribly and ridden with guilt over it being my fault for threatening to leave. I loved him, but just didn't understand about this problem. I wish I had learned about all this before. I would have gotten him help and handled everything so much differently. I pray that caller gets the help so that he can have a good life and future.
Beautiful, Jay! Now the issue has moved into your whole being, body and soul - now you please make a good end to this unfinished business and you look up a trauma therapist, do it, and then visit your husband's grave continuously and tell about the progress you make in therapy for both you. I pray you can do it! It will mean so much! This guilt and all, is too much for one soul to carry, open yourself to support!
Don’t blame yourself, Jay. People have to choose healing for themselves. I do know about this and I’ve still lost people. It doesn’t always work out. Big hugs to you and Jack, the caller, may you both find peace in this life. ❤
JayP, is not your fault. You are not a mind reader. He never communicated what really happened and you were there dealing alone with all the situations that his disconnected behavior caused. Forgive yourself. Maybe someone from his family knew about his problems and never told you. God bless you.
I really appreciate how John is able to see the signs of bigger issues and in a loving way help guide people to treating the Source over the symptoms when they likely would’ve never seen that or allowed themselves to otherwise
Dr. Delony is such a quick study, sensing, palpating issues and coping strategies two sentences in based on tone, breathing and mountains of experience. A strong man who loves other men, who talks directly, kindly, is a gift to the men, the women they interact with and the children they’ve fathered. Very powerful work.
That's why he was stopped when he almost started talking about exactly what might have happened. Delaney said to not go behind that curtain alone this evening.
This conversation has opened my mind. This is good. I didn’t realize a person can tune out situations due to the body protecting itself from trauma. Wow!!
We don’t mind hearing a grown man cry on Christmas. It’s refreshing to hear vulnerability from a man who’s kept it bottled up and avoided the truth of it for a lifetime. Let it go, sir. You are loved💞
I bet he completely tuned her out long before she left and that's a big part of why she left. And if he totally forgets all bad things that happen, she had to deal with them alone.
You are a wonderful therapist, particularly for men. My heart goes out to this man. I hope he gets to meet and comfort his child self. I love this show.
This poor man! God bless him and I pray he gets help. His childhood sounds horrific. He just a broken child trying to survive, major respect for him taking the step to call in. Thanks Jon for recognizing this man’s cry for help!
Hard work is a common trauma diversion for men to avoid intimacy. I so feel for this man. He woke up too late to save his marriage but theraphy can still save him a beautiful life ❤
I've been over the road for 23 years. There's an endless amount of solitude and loneliness on the road. I hope this man gets the help he needs, it sounds like it needs to be a family matter.
Gosh this hits hard, my husband just left our house very unexpectedly. I have 3 boys who we adopted and my heart breaks for them and for me. He s completely abandoned most of our friends and family. It seems like out of nowhere. This is going to be a hard Christmas for us.
💔 You can and will get through it because your kids need you too. It's okay to lay on the bathroom floor crying your eyes out, but then you get back up and continue on. Eventually the hard parts will become your new routines and you will find joy again. 💖
My friend and classmate was abandoned by her husband after they adopted 6 children together. He told her he never wanted to adopt children. I feel so bad for her. She didn’t push him into anything, and now he’s pretending that he wasn’t ever onboard. Diabolical.
@@toscadonna My dad and his dad think part of it is jealously of the kids. I sometimes think men don't want to work through what they think to be horrible and unacceptable feelings. It's easier to run because usually it's an "easy" option. I should say he has service related PTSD as well and I think he has other triggers he's trying to get away from but the root of it is discontentment and bitterness.
@@lizaw.7313 I am so sorry for what you and your boys have been going through. When you say “jealousy of the kids”, do you mean that he’s jealous of the attention that you are giving to the kids which used to be attention for him? Or do you mean that he’s jealous of the good life you’ve provided for the boys, because he didn’t have a good/secure childhood? I’m just curious. I think you’re 100% correct about men running from difficult feelings. 💗
I wish I could hug this man and just reassure him that he’s alright and that he can do this and there is so many people he doesn’t know that are in his corner!!
John...thank you for saying "You're not broken". I know this was for this guy calling in but I have felt lately as if I am broken. I have ptsd and it's horrible with thunder and loud noises. I was abused for almost half my life. Thankfully I got out from my folks house age 22 but in 2017 something triggered...I donnow what but it's been an immense challenge. I've worked through a lot but since there's about 2 decades there's till layers to confront. I feel someday as if I am broken. It helped hearing this. God bless and thank you
I did not expect this conversation after I read the title. This was brave from the caller’s site and to engage in the conversation. Dr Delony handled him with care but also pushed him as much as necessary to make him realize that he needs more professional help. I truly hope that the caller will heal and come to peace.
Much respect to Dr Deloney! The way we navigated this call was expert level! I’m praying this young man will get trauma therapy and get to a place of healing 🙏🏾
This one made me cry single tear style at the very end when Jack joked he was afraid of sleep.. I realized how intense the nightmare symptom of his PTSD must be. This is such an intense exploration of what the worst trauma does to people. It's such a deep call.
It's called "disassociation," the mind does this to protect you from trauma. Even if I get slightly uncomfortable from like a guy creeping on me at the bar, I can feel myself slip because of severe PTSD. Grounding techniques are useful here, name all of your senses and how you are using them. I see...the blue wallpaper, I hear...the tv, I smell the candle...etc. Recording convos, using a notepad for q and a, and texting convos also helps me remember. However, if it is something uncomfortable because of what I'm* doing, I try harder to not slip away than if I'm not involved. I don't want to hurt anyone. Not looking at the person directly helps me focus on what they're saying.
He lived through hell. I didn’t remember much of anything about my childhood until my BPD mom assaulted me a few weeks after we buried Dad. BOOM! It all came back. I spent a couple years in trauma therapy. EMDR was lifesaving for me.
While I pray for this man to work thru his trauma, I honestly can understand why his wife left him. Relationships/marriages are HARD when you shut down in the nitty gritty and don’t/can’t communicate (this man can’t remember important stuff) things are inevitably going to fall apart. I hope this man can find his peace.
Yes. And your spouse cannot fix you, no matter how hard you both try. It isn’t their job either. Trauma negatively impacts many marriages and relationships if it isn’t addressed by a professional therapist.
This is some important content. I would really love an update on this guy. I'm a year post therapy for childhood trauma and it's physically tough on your body, I'm only just recovering from the physical effects. It's been worth it though to feel that peace and safety John speaks of.
I knew, as soon as I heard how he started "answering" questions that he had severe trauma. His brain protects him by hiding all the nasty stuff that happened. Dr John is soooo right that he needs to face this WITH help. His trait of dissociation in the present to tough conversations was established in his early childhood trauma.
My heart is breaking for this beautiful man. One year later, i really hope he's gotten to where he wants to be. This is a lot to unpack but once he gets through this he will be unstoppable
This was heartbreaking. I hope he heals. It’s so hard to hear the pain in his voice and it’s tragic that trauma he experienced as an innocent child has caused him to lose so much. Was there ever an update on him? I hope he’s doing better.
1:30 any man who claims he was blindsided was told exactly why she's leaving. he chose to ignore her complaints not thinking she'd dare to leave. until she did.
I barely cry listening to this podcast but his soul is hurting so bad 😢 i wish he gets the healing he deserves, he sounds like an amazing human being ❤❤❤
I forgot something traumatic that happened to me at 10, I had no memory of it until I was about 17 and even then I thought it was something I made up. I feel for him. His please help him and show him your love, peace, mercy and grace.
I’m only 2 minutes in to this call and I know why she left him. This is really sad and I hope he gets the help he needs to for himself and possibly his further wife. 😢
@Joel-pg4yi If someone is miserable day in and day out, it's not wise to stay together because it will inevitably lead to resentment or worse. It's okay to be selfish sometimes. We all are on this planet for a short period of time, and if your partner is not wanting to seek help and improve their own life, then you can only take so much.
@@Joel-pg4yi neglect and emotional abuse are just as traumatic as physical abuse. This woman has been experiencing emotional abuse and neglect from her now ex, because he hasn't recovered from or dealt with his childhood trauma. She is brave, not selfish. Her leaving is the only thing that's causing this man to get the help he so desperately needs for healing.
That poor man. Can even talk about it.. I really hope that he gets the right help. My hearts hurts for him.. lord heal this man.. it hurts him so much and guilt. Lord send the right people to help him and that he may find peace and healing..🙏🏼
The truth will set you free, sir. No matter how ugly it is, unless you face it and speak it out loud, you will not even begin the healing process. It's going to hurt, it's going to make you crumple up and cry like a baby, it's going to make you really angry, but do it. Get in there and eventually that wound is going to clean itself out. Think of it like purging yourself so you can move forward in your life. Good luck to you.
Heartbreaking segment that had me bawling like a baby for all the people in the world who were hurt by those who were supposed to take care of them, whether they be parents, clergy, coaches or counselors. It must be worse than being hurt by a stranger. Luckily, I had great parents who were nothing but loving. I pray for peace for anyone who has experienced childhood trauma.
My spouse does this. He dissociates every single time a conversation goes deeper than the surface. This is why divorce is just around the corner. He has been to therapy but won't out in tye effort to make his life better. We wives are not here to give up our happiness to tiptoe around someone else's trauma.
I sincerely hope this caller is in a better place today.
Go sister. I tip toed for decades, kept my shield up for the assaults. He didn't go for help and ruined 2 lives, mine and my sons. We are gone. You have to save yourself at some point.
Yep if you can’t comfort yourself alone.. why are you getting involved with others
It’s really hard when you know they are traumatized but by leaving it makes them face that their coping mechanism is not working And is the most loving thing you can do.
Interesting comments. I've been at the end of my rope for so so long. I've been checked our for over a year. I have two beautiful children and am just physically and mentally spent on giving any more to what feels like a nasty abyss.
Sometimes when your mental health is bad enough, you can't even THINK to put it in. It may not be a case of won't as much as complete overwhem.
The fact that memory loss is so connected to trauma was so eye opening to me the first time I heard it.
And it's 100% true. I have had several deaths in my family including my youngest child and mother. While I don't typically express grief through a lot of crying, what I realize looking back is that I don't remember much during those times of immense grief. Like literally, months/years are completely blocked. Memory loss is certainly a coping mechanism.
@@Yaya-cl3tu I’m so sorry that must have been really hard for you 🥺 i can’t imagine.
I went through a pretty dark depression for 3-4 years and I honestly only can remember certain things if I try really hard. I got really good at disassociating to get away from the hurt I was in.
@@Yaya-cl3tuit is not lost. It is locked under twenty locks 🔒 with no keys
@@Yaya-cl3tuaw so heartbreaking
It’s wild when you come to this realization. It’s also crazy how many memories come back when you start to heal.
I’m 31. I am a man . Business owner, husband, father. I am crying with you brother. I am so sorry you’re hurting so much
I hope people who did this to him will burn in hell
@@Joel-pg4yi they’re definitely evil people that need to repent , I don’t wish hell on anyone but I’ll say may the Lords judgement be great on them
This happened to me as a child a family member. Let’s just say I don’t leave my babies with NO ONE the PTSD is real.
If God doesn't forgive them then noone else should have to. Reprobates are real. Romans 1 explains all that. Stop being holier than God.
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At first I was annoyed by this caller's evasive personality, but then I realized something terrible happening to him probably is the reason for that.
Same with me
Same for me. I realized partway in that it was clear he went through some insane level evil in his childhood. Really hope he gets top notch therapy. Not the regular stuff he can only heal with an expert.
You never know what somebody has going on
I do feel sorry for him.
But at the same time I can definitely understand how his wife just couldn't keep dealing with this every time something unpleasant happened in their lives. She probably couldn't even rely on him paying a phone bill.
Totally, a lot of trauma!
‘You need to see a good trauma therapist immediately’ (paraphrase)
This man : ‘ what will happen?’ My God…. You can hear the wounded child in his adult male voice. Please Lord help this man.
I can feel..been there. I am so sorry for you. I still have challenges, I'm 64.
Please ya'all... I'm begging you.... I don't know where to write this, but please, please, cease using my God's name in vain.
John! You should know not to say: MY God! OMG.......
I know it seems so petty to some.. but God has brought me through so much pain in my life and married life of 45 years! It's been hard!!
God is the love of my life, no
So true
@@gosplesongs8153”God’s name” is not God. “God” is a title, not a name.
@@susangrande8142 ...hi Susan.. no offense here, but the Bible says explicitly : Thou shalt NOT use the name of the Lord your God in vain..
Anyways...however you see it.....
@@gosplesongs8153 okay; what is God’s name them? Tell me that. As I said: “God” is a title. So is “Adonai,” which means lords or masters in Hebrew. Yes, plural. And another title.
👏🏿 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿 to Dr.Jonh for not exploiting his trauma. He wasn't ready, and Dr.Jonh as the professional that he is saw it an didn't allow him to go there without proper guidance. Amazingly conducted call.
Yes. Oftentimes I find him to lean too heavily on the dramatic and forces a narrative, but this was exceptionally well handled.
That was the bravest call I think I've ever heard on this show. I really respect how John heard every time the caller was about to be past the level of what he could deal with and simplified the question or changed directions to re-empower the caller to speak what he could and as much as he could without overloading him.
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John never bruises people, he helps us.
Respect to John for stopping him from over talking. Really hope this guy gets the help he needs and things improve for him.
My life literally changed the day I read “The Body Keeps The Score”. I had no idea of all the issues carrying trauma for so long causes to our bodies. I suggest everyone to read that too.
It is so so good
Excellent book. Read it!
Yes, it’s so good and explains a lot.
Thanks for mentioning this book. I am going to read it.
I need to. I have grief and heartache that's adding to a neurological illness and making it literally hard to breathe.
This is the reason why such horrendous crimes against the most innocent among us must be punished way harder than they are. Those monsters ruin peoples lives for generations to come. I am so sorry for this man on this call and so proud of him for making this call. How difficult this must be. I wish you nothing but healing and love
Very well said! So true!
@Lola yes, completely. But it probably came from generations before too. It's not as easy as "those monsters" (and ofc they are, of course they deserve that label and everything you wrote is 100% true) - but the uncomfortable truth also is that most perpetrators never got a working toolkit themselves, never got outlets, never got really safe cultural spaces etc. We need vulnerarbility and open discussions, we need equality among genders, breaking stereotypes to stop the cycles - instead of thinking of good and evil. That is a comforting, religious kindergardener way to think about things. It is not that easy and we all need to take responsibility every day to do better as the new generation.
@@ena.takeoverso I should wish that 40 yr old man that took my virginity at 4 yrs old and rearranged my guts for over a year had an outlet??? He was evil and I found him in my 30's and blew his face off. That's something a kindergartener wouldt do. But he was a hurting man that needed help.. you've have nothing ever happen to you or your kids. Don't comment on $hit you know zero about you twat
@@ena.takeoverclearly you were never SA’ed as a child or adolescent. Had you been, you wouldn’t be thinking in these “terms.” Saying that putting things as good and bad is a “kindergarten way of thinking about things” is not only the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, but it’s so, so wrong! It’s so funny to me how many people can put such GenX verbiage to things, just so that they feel wise or smarter than - you are neither here. Just so you know, most perpetrators who are some of the worst offenders have had outlets to not offend or to not become a repeat offender for decades, but they chose to continue the cycle, or, are first timers who had these sick desires and still chose to act upon them. I refuse, as a child of SA and as an adolescent of r*pe, to ever hear that we should pity anyone who has done the things that myself and countless others have had to endure, and now carry for the remainder of our lives, because “poor pity them, they didn’t have the proper outlets” and they aren’t “good nor bad” that’s “just a label.” No hunny, it’s pure evil!! It’s literally the devil and his minions inflicting such sadistic and heinous acts upon the innocent. That is what I call BAD. Think long and hard next time before you spout your nonsense that you clearly have zero knowledge about, because this is true “kindergarten ways of thinking.” I pray that you nor anyone that you love ever has to endure anything of this magnitude just to wake you up from such distorted and ignorant thinking, I truly do.
@@ena.takeoverWe also need to teach kids HOW to parent. From year 12 upwards. Emotional intelligence should be taught as part of the school curriculum.
This is a painful call. Please get help, I will be praying for you!
I'm praying for you too, caller! 😢❤
No way, he already got help.
Divorce.
2 mins into the call it became very very clear why she left. Its difficult to be with someone who cannot deal with tough conversations and situations.
Woah that's a supremely one-sided judgy judgy assessment.
Maybe SHE wasn't safe-enough or the type of person where one can feel safe to express feelings and dig into tough convos etc.
Maybe he could actually talk to her, but not on convos that touch his trauma.
Maybe she wasn't a nice person...or a good wife...or a patient lover...or or or etc etc.
Maybe SHE couldn't cut it and work with her husband etc.
There's many many variables as to why it didn't work out so attributing the main reason for her leaving on his one personal "weakness" is rude. Rude in judgement and manner. Yuck.
@@thebeegood1731 I feel the same but still I think she left because of his inability to deal with difficulties.
@@SalznPfeffer658 He literally said that she told him twice when she was leaving and he couldn't remember. If its a trauma induced issued thats fine but its difficult to be in a relationship with someone who forgets whole conversations that are difficult and need to be discussed. Did ya miss that part of the call?
Yea sorry he didn’t deal with being sexually abused the way you think he should have.
Wow! Totally judgmental! The obvious thing is both of them should have counseling instead of just bailing out! They have a child together. Also, why you need marital counseling before getting married. It would of been addressed before marriage not afterwards!
I am a woman and I speak from experience far too many men fail to deal with their stuff in healthy ways and knowingly or unknowingly spend their whole lives punishing others for THEIR refusal to get out of denial. John cut through 50 years of a mans bs denial about this lack guys of healthy coping skills that likely led to his divorce.
My marriage with the now ex was a casualty of trauma that he went through long before we met. He has now moved on with someone else (started an affair with while married) I know he will carry on the same behaviour as he has refused to acknowledge he needs help and takes it out on every one else.
Agreed. So many men turn to alcohol to deal with trauma.
There is still a stigma to men seeking help. Current adult men grew up with that stigma and this is something they continue to tell themselves. "I need to handle this on my own." "I need to be the man of the house. No weakness." Fast forward to massive social media outbreak and you have women online dragging men for not dealing with their stuff and they get called names or they are dealing with their stuff and you'll hear something really stupid like, "If he admits to seeing a therapist, that's a red flag." Or that gives me the ick. Women, wives, girlfriends, need to be a safe space for the men in their life to turn to. A place they can be vulnerable, be heard and still feel loved. Somewhere they will have someone just listen to their day and not interject with things about themselves or their day or some comparison. Healing childhood trauma is no easy task. It's not easy for women or men. You must remember, when these traumas happened, that now grown man was just a small child. A helpless child at the mercy of anyone bigger than them. There's a reason so many men become alcoholics or have other destructive addictions...they haven't been given permission to hurt out loud.
I am in awe of how John conveys his love for total strangers over a phone call. I aspire to do the same and be that peace for those around me. Thank you for the example, Dr. Delony ❤
Hog wash...tough love is the best way
@@ihateutube1143 do you need a hug?
Found the person who was spoiled as a kid in the comment @ihateyoutube
He has a high EQ
My goodness, I'm so furious for this man, and what this trauma has done to him. It's so unfair and cruel, because now he's losing his wife over damages that were done TO him and stunted his ability to function socially. I pray he gets every bit of help and love and support that he so desperately needs right now. My heart is just broken for this poor, sweet man.
Well said. I believe this is why my husband and I divorced, unhealed childhood trauma. The past stole our present and future. I'm proud of man for calling for help.
same for me. I know we both had trauma . I'm so glad this man is getting help. Maybe there is a future for him and his wife. @@sjg5994
@@sjg5994YUP.. think this is also why my husband has all the issues he does.
Right, like the kids who had the worst child hoods also get the worst adult hoods.
He has a massive issue with dissociating during heavy or traumatic events. To the point where he can’t even talk to his wife about regular big deal topics. I can’t blame her for leaving. That’s almost impossible to deal with.
Question should be why his wife triggers these emotions.
Sounds like the wife pressing him on the emotionals points/issues she has.
@@blackcrow3718 only we can manage our triggers. But going with it and for argument’s sake saying she was terrible, even then a healthy person would have different boundaries and exit the relationship different.
I blame her for leaving. It’s not impossible to deal with, it’s just hard. If she’s the type of spouse to leave when her marriage becomes hard and difficult, she’ll be divorced again soon enough.
But it wasn’t until she left that he lost something important enough that made him face his coping mechanism.
It was actually the best for him.
@@doompod or she could have been telling him to deal with all this for years but he didn't take it seriously until she left.
This was the first time a call brought me to tears. Such anguish in his voice and exhaustion from carrying that for so long. Sending him all the love and prayers for healing and recovery. 💔❤️🩹
All the best to you, too, sensitive, caring Whitney! Have you found the support you need?
@@DNA350ppm I have!!! Thank you for checking on me. 😊
@@whitney187 I'm so glad you did, and am awed that you wrote a reply, proof of you'll be doing great!
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I say this after a lot of Dr.. Delony’s calls, but especially this one - I’d really like to go 6-12 months down the road and see where this caller is. If he has gotten help, his life could be on the way to being completely, wonderfully different.
I would love to hear from this guy again in 6 months.
Agreed. I come back to this call every so often--I really hope he got help.
I love how he asked what was going to happen at therapy. Its the fear of the unknown that keeps a lot of us stuck. I wish him much success in the future 🙏
yes!! So impressive that he just asked what would happen because it scared him and he wanted to know!
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It must be hell to not remember because you're terrified of remembering. I cannot imagine it. I pray this guy gets the help he needs.
From the videos I've seen so far, this is Dr. Delony's best call. I have no formal training on any of these topics, but I think he absolutely knocked it out of the park with this poor caller. I feel so bad for this guy, I hope he finds peace and healing.
Dr. John is the most kind hearted person I have seen. Thank you for taking care of this guy who has clearly suffered a lot
“I block stuff.” PUT YOUR PHONE ON RECORD when you ask important questions.
That wouldn’t help because his defense mechanism would go back up when he listens to the recording. Plus, that doesn’t address the problem. It’s just a band-aid.
Yeah that doesn’t really fix his problem gaga
Or ask for important stuff in writing.
@@DorothyShowUsYourZbornak Agreed. What really helped me was long PTSD therapy.
its more convenient for him to not "remember". he can just say "but i didn't know" anytime there's difficulty.
As someone who scored very high on the ACES test because of childhood trauma, I really, really, really hope he gets the help he needs. My therapist was trained in dealing with trauma and if she didn't walk along with me in my journey, I never would have healed. She was amazing and allowed me the space to deal with stuff on my terms. I needed that peace in my life before it robbed me of my future. I am not my parents and the trauma they caused, ends with me.
“I am not my parents and the trauma they caused, ends with me.” Such a powerful statement.
Beautiful.
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Amazing ❤ you're a Warrior and broke the generational curse. Very proud of you 👏 🥰 💛
@@chrissiec2123YES IT IS 👏🏾
That was heavy. He needs to ask his wife to write him a letter telling him why she left.
No, she does not owe him anything else.
It took him two years, only after she had to leave him, to call a doctor.
She may not "owe" him that, but it would be a kindness if she did.
A letter would be good. Even after she is gone-it provides validation for him.
Good idea
@@MommasPeachCobbler True, she doesn't "owe" it, but I think if he asked her, and she did have love for him at one point (and probably still does to some extent), it would be very loving and kind of her.
Thank you, Dr. John for your empathy and kindness and talking to this caller who is very hurt and is experiencing a lot of emotional and psychological pain, and steering him in the right direction to get the help he needs.
“One of the hallmarks of childhood abuse is that everything has a … at the end of it ‘cause you’re never quite sure where it’s coming from.” 🤯 people have always teased me about being indecisive and you just nailed it.
I felt attacked after that. 🥴
me too. Someone once told me that I trail off at the end of my sentences when I'm talking. and I think that's what he was talking about. So interesting. And how he could tell he might have sexual abuse because of his words.
After 42 years of marriage, I too have left my husband. My husband has refused to face the neglect and physical trauma suffered in childhood. Inside he still is a child who can’t grow up emotionally. He hides in his work; I cannot imagine retirement years with him….
I am so sad for him.
@@lilfirerbunnyit is sad for her as well. Men need to stop refusing to see a therapist.
Why did you wait that long? Not a criticism, just a question
"He hides in his work." That is very interesting. I bet he is an entirely different person at work. Because the kinds of things I hear women complain about their husbands doing or not doing--not listening, tuning them out, not carrying through on their promises to take care of things--would not be tolerated in the workplace for very long. Your boss tells you to do something, you'd better do it. Your boss says, you need to stop doing this, you need to change how you interact with others, you'd better listen and not zone out or disassociate. That's not a roadmap to a successful career and I think deep down most people know it. Yet when it comes to marriage and relationships, all that seems go out the window. Why is that?
@theresemalmberg955 its not a secret that family give you more slack that strangers and acquaintances.
John was so compassionate. This episode is why I love to watch/listen. So intuitive and compassionate.
Oh God, bless this man. Heal him❤.
The pain in this man’s voice wheew.
Amen 💫 🙏 💫
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According to him...he will most likely forget this phone call.
This guy is carrying a huge amount of shame. At some point he bought into the lie that he did something that made it his fault. Be free my brother.
Him describing dissociating during a conversation as the other person "talking through a pillow" was spot on. That is exactly what it feels like to me. My head feels fuzzy and vacant.
I used to dissociate so much that it was my normal state; my memory was so terrible I thought I was getting stupid or developing early onset dementia. I'd forget entire conversations, experiences, large blocks of time, etc. Trauma therapy (EMDR, DBT, somatic therapy and parts work, _not_ CBT-based talk therapy) was absolutely vital in helping me to realize that I was "floating away" all the time as a protective measure. Staying in the present could be so incredibly painful. I'm wishing the very best for this man, his soon to be ex-wife and their daughter 💙
Totally.
CBT is more effective for depression and anxiety. Cognitive distortions. Trauma needs a different approach. I am glad you are doing better.
@@kellharris2491 Very much so! That was something I didn't know when I first tried therapy for myself 3 years ago; I thought it was all the same.
And thank you 🥰
@@kellharris2491 CBT helps DBT and vice versa
EFT and EMDR has greatly helped me with PTSD.
I have deep sympathy for this guy. These things happened at an age where he could remember them, but he only knows what he’s been told because his brain was so traumatized, it completely blocked out years of his childhood. I really hope and pray he gets the help he needs.
This is the first time I can remember feeling so connected to a caller. I knew right away what was going on with his mind because I have experienced this too. I am going to keep you in my prayers, Mr Caller. I wish we could check in on your progress. Stay in counseling as long as you need. It took me years but my life is so much better and I am so happy, content and doing so well, I wish the same for you!
His ex wife must be so frustrated. SHe told him and he still doesnt know why she left him. It would drive me insane
It's curious that this call is clearly a stressful situation, you can hear it in his voice that he is in distress, he's saying he's gonna cry so that's him admitting that it's a stressful situation, he even started talking about his trauma and yet he's able to remember and concentrate every single thing that the Doctor is saying to him but when his wife is talking to him he's conveniently blocking her out. Wonder how that works.
@@maef7026its trauma response. His mind didnt wanna hear what she was saying cuz it hurt. Hé blocked it out
Driving me insane listening to this. I hope this called is doing well bc I doubt Dr John achieved much. I hope to God the called os frickin listening and takes to heart what he’s being told
the question is, will he remember what to do when he gets off the phone.@@maef7026
Trauma causes a lot of this! The body keeps the score is a helpful book to unpack this stuff…
Oh my heart broke when Dr. John asked if he was abusive and he said "not that I'm aware of" :( what a sweet and humble and conscientious person. You can tell he'd never ever hurt that little girl on purpose, but he doesn't have enough faith in himself or in the world to be able to say with certainty that she's 100% safe. I wish I could give him a hug
Wow. That's care. That's listening. God be with him.
Listen to his voice from the first ten seconds to the last ten minutes. It's like a different person , hope he gets to a better place in life 👍🏻
This is probably the most gut-wrenching call I have heard on the show. It's not what the caller said. It's what he didn't say. It's what he couldn't say because his body it's working so hard to protect him from the trauma of it all. Sybil.. It would not surprise me at all if he has some sort of dissociation personality disorder. My heart breaks for this guy and his family.
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As another victim of extreme childhood trama with sexual abuse this made me breakdown in tears. I understand what it is like to be in his shoes other than everything triggered the memories of the event, it wasn't repressed. Therapy is a godsend please get help.
Not everyone is rich. How someone get therapy if you don't trust people. They could be the same as the abusers
I’m so sorry you went through that and managed to get some help to deal with it ❤
@@Joel-pg4yiexactly. I tried to “get help” from 5 different counselors/therapists and two different priests. None even came close to helping. All they wanted to try was medication’s, anxiety meds, depression meds, sleep meds etc. I have an addictive personality and refused the medications, aside from the depression meds, though they made absolutely zero difference to me. Other than causing me to gain weight which just made me feel worse. Of course the trauma from CSA resulted in my choosing a man who suffered from the same kinds of issues as my abusers too, so more trauma on top of the childhood stuff. Then add medical issues on top of that and it’s a recipe for more of the same. At this point I’m just too damn tired for any of it.
John is doing so much good in the world.
Reality is there’s not a lot of therapists who come close to John. This call was extremely valuable for the caller. Therapists I came across are very neutral, they just listen and sympathize, also affirm the victim narrative and induce poor me thinking. Thank god I have mentors who teach me to take 100% responsibility for my life and hold me accountable, if I wouldn’t have that I would succumb to victimhood land. I would advise for people seeking help to vent for the right therapist first. Have 5-6 appointments first and ask questions. You need someone who will hold you accountable and not treat you like you are weak poor thing not capable of doing much and shouldn’t ask yourself to do much because of everything you ve gone through. I love the fact John will still hold you accountable even though you ve been through a lot.
While compassion is needed, accountability is necessary for real change I've found.
Agree! Dr. Delony is a one-of-a-kind therapist. The world could use 1 million more of him!
Just want to be clear that Dr. Deloney does give wonderful advice but he’s not a licensed therapist. He has a PhD in counseling which is different
@@olivias2836 We don't know the difference but we do know that he is extremely good at what he does we need him!
Yes. I give him that. He’s very very good and I’ve been several therapists and they were all lacking.
My heart goes out to his ex-wife, so much she could not fix or help.
Lol...
Probably so much she didn’t know before or during the marriage.. happens all the time.
( Not that he could help it or maybe has totally stuffed it and doesn’t know why he acts like he does..)
Not her job to fix him
We owe it to ourselves to be healed or at least actively healing from our past traumas, before intertwining our lives with another.
My dad is 65 and was horribly abused when he was a child. I wish I could’ve found Dr. John’s work when I was younger, and I could’ve shown him this video. The part where Dr. John describes peace: all the things that he says you wouldn’t have to do anymore like get mad when someone cuts you off, my dad does all those things. He’s never really been at peace the way I am. Because he gave me a good safe life. And I’m afraid it would be too painful for him to try to make progress and receive healing at this late age in life. I’m just glad these videos are out there for other people so that maybe they can get some help when they still have most of their life ahead of them
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See if he will see a trauma counselor. EMDR therapy corrects the brain. He can still heal. XXOO
I'm 54 and I am healing from my childhood trauma. It's never too late to love yourself and find peace. There are always commenter's saying " I'm 70 years old and I found peace..."
When a woman deals with a man with these kind of issues her life ceases to exist. I commend her for leaving ❤
No, she should have helped him! Till death do us part, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health!
Men are usually only loved by their mom and their wife. I guess not all have those even. A decent woman is a safe place and tremendously healing. A selfish wife only thinks about what she gets out of everything
@@dazza8551I think the divorce pushed him to finally seek help. I don’t think anything would have changed in their relationship otherwise.
@dazza8551 Helped him at her expense you mean. I'm guessing she stayed with him for years until she finally hit a breaking point. This guy needs intensive therapy. His wife is not a therapist.
This so agree
This poor man. This is what abuse does to people. I wish he heals ans can find peace.
Prayers for this gentleman. May God heal, strengthen and comfort him. 🙏
Delony, you were so great with this guy! He seems like the nicest man and I hope he gets the help he needs to exhale and live fully and peacefully.
I have dissociative PTSD from my time in the service. I have been taking Duloxetine for depression and anxiety. I have also been to a psychologist to ensure I have healthy coping mechanisms. I know that's very personal, but my story can help others. Please seek a psychologist AND a psychiatrist's professional services if you are blocking out trauma. You're not broken. You're just off track like a perfectly new train off a track. It works, but it can't move forward. I love you brother.
Thats good stuff. Cymbalta saves many.
CBT and DBT books help just as much
Cymbalta has worked well for me. On 80mg for a few years now. I still get depressed but the lows aren’t as low.
Wishing you many years of happiness
I have PTSD from childhood abuse and my Army service, and EFT and EMDR have been lifesavers for me. I’m so much healthier inside now that I have those tools to use.
@tosca donna I'm glad to hear that! I know others with childhood trauma/sexual abuse. It's still not taken seriously enough, and many shrug off hearing that it has caused PTSD. That's not fair or correct. Thank you for your service. You're amazing!
I want to hug this poor man.
My dad and his siblings had a horrible childhood and my uncle cant remember anything about childhood. Brain protects itself! I relate to this man, my brain dissociates with hard things too.
I hope he goes for the help he needs. Listening to this call, so much reminded me of my husband of 30 years. I didn't understand what was going on with him, bur it caused many problems in our marriage over 30 years. Later he fell into depression, but I felt like I just couldn't reach him, as he would do that where he dissociated during difficult talks. He couldn't have those conversations. I for years felt not heard. Finally when he was 70 and I was 72, (almost 2 years ago) , I told him I couldn't take it anymore and was leaving him. I never really was going to leave, but thought that was the only way to get his attention, and show him that I meant it. The next morning he took his own life. Now I am alone at 74, missing him terribly and ridden with guilt over it being my fault for threatening to leave. I loved him, but just didn't understand about this problem. I wish I had learned about all this before. I would have gotten him help and handled everything so much differently. I pray that caller gets the help so that he can have a good life and future.
Beautiful, Jay! Now the issue has moved into your whole being, body and soul - now you please make a good end to this unfinished business and you look up a trauma therapist, do it, and then visit your husband's grave continuously and tell about the progress you make in therapy for both you. I pray you can do it! It will mean so much! This guilt and all, is too much for one soul to carry, open yourself to support!
Don’t blame yourself, Jay. People have to choose healing for themselves. I do know about this and I’ve still lost people. It doesn’t always work out. Big hugs to you and Jack, the caller, may you both find peace in this life. ❤
I’m very sorry for your loss, sometimes we don’t know how to help someone and they don’t either. Forgive yourself 🙏
JayP, is not your fault. You are not a mind reader. He never communicated what really happened and you were there dealing alone with all the situations that his disconnected behavior caused. Forgive yourself. Maybe someone from his family knew about his problems and never told you. God bless you.
I’m so sorry for both you and your late husband. So tragic for each of you - the years lost and a life lost. Don’t blame yourself.
He made me want to cry poor fella hope he get the healing that he needs.
I really appreciate how John is able to see the signs of bigger issues and in a loving way help guide people to treating the Source over the symptoms when they likely would’ve never seen that or allowed themselves to otherwise
Dr. Delony is such a quick study, sensing, palpating issues and coping strategies two sentences in based on tone, breathing and mountains of experience. A strong man who loves other men, who talks directly, kindly, is a gift to the men, the women they interact with and the children they’ve fathered. Very powerful work.
This poor man is gonna break down. Hes needs to be in a safe setting to bring this up. 😢
That's why he was stopped when he almost started talking about exactly what might have happened. Delaney said to not go behind that curtain alone this evening.
This conversation has opened my mind. This is good. I didn’t realize a person can tune out situations due to the body protecting itself from trauma. Wow!!
We don’t mind hearing a grown man cry on Christmas. It’s refreshing to hear vulnerability from a man who’s kept it bottled up and avoided the truth of it for a lifetime. Let it go, sir. You are loved💞
Mad props to Jack for taking this first step. That's always the hardest one. Now I hope he continues to put in the work to find some healing.
How can someone hurt little children??? That is the most terrifying thing about humans.
Humans can be the most evil thing on earth it definitely is a horrifying world we live in
I bet he completely tuned her out long before she left and that's a big part of why she left. And if he totally forgets all bad things that happen, she had to deal with them alone.
Sounds like my ex
@@NN-fz4pdthat makes 2 of us
My heart goes out to this man. I hope he can get help what he needs to deal with his childhood trauma and form his divorce. 💙
My military husband with cluster b personality type had given me ptsd. 17 years together, I just depend a lot on the Lord when dealing with him.
Lord Krishna be with you, always.
You are in an abusive marriage. NO relationship should be causing PTSD. I pray you find your self worth and leave.
It’s easy to get frustrated at this caller’s communication style but I’m so glad John is able to lead with compassion
Very well put.
This poor man! Crying through half that call...
I so hope he gets the help he needs and starts to heal.
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You are a wonderful therapist, particularly for men. My heart goes out to this man. I hope he gets to meet and comfort his child self. I love this show.
This poor man! God bless him and I pray he gets help. His childhood sounds horrific. He just a broken child trying to survive, major respect for him taking the step to call in. Thanks Jon for recognizing this man’s cry for help!
Hard work is a common trauma diversion for men to avoid intimacy. I so feel for this man. He woke up too late to save his marriage but theraphy can still save him a beautiful life ❤
I really feel for him.😢 this was truly insightful on Delony’s part.
I've been over the road for 23 years. There's an endless amount of solitude and loneliness on the road. I hope this man gets the help he needs, it sounds like it needs to be a family matter.
Gosh this hits hard, my husband just left our house very unexpectedly. I have 3 boys who we adopted and my heart breaks for them and for me. He s completely abandoned most of our friends and family. It seems like out of nowhere. This is going to be a hard Christmas for us.
💔 You can and will get through it because your kids need you too. It's okay to lay on the bathroom floor crying your eyes out, but then you get back up and continue on. Eventually the hard parts will become your new routines and you will find joy again. 💖
I’m praying for you and your family❤️ I’m sure that is very hard to deal with
My friend and classmate was abandoned by her husband after they adopted 6 children together. He told her he never wanted to adopt children. I feel so bad for her. She didn’t push him into anything, and now he’s pretending that he wasn’t ever onboard. Diabolical.
@@toscadonna My dad and his dad think part of it is jealously of the kids. I sometimes think men don't want to work through what they think to be horrible and unacceptable feelings. It's easier to run because usually it's an "easy" option. I should say he has service related PTSD as well and I think he has other triggers he's trying to get away from but the root of it is discontentment and bitterness.
@@lizaw.7313 I am so sorry for what you and your boys have been going through. When you say “jealousy of the kids”, do you mean that he’s jealous of the attention that you are giving to the kids which used to be attention for him? Or do you mean that he’s jealous of the good life you’ve provided for the boys, because he didn’t have a good/secure childhood? I’m just curious. I think you’re 100% correct about men running from difficult feelings. 💗
Oh I just want to cry listening to this call. I hope this guy gets some help and gets to a better place.
You are amazing Dr. Delony. That was a hard call and you treated that man with dignity and respect ❤
I wish I could hug this man and just reassure him that he’s alright and that he can do this and there is so many people he doesn’t know that are in his corner!!
Calls like this show how great Dr. D is at this
John...thank you for saying "You're not broken". I know this was for this guy calling in but I have felt lately as if I am broken. I have ptsd and it's horrible with thunder and loud noises. I was abused for almost half my life. Thankfully I got out from my folks house age 22 but in 2017 something triggered...I donnow what but it's been an immense challenge. I've worked through a lot but since there's about 2 decades there's till layers to confront. I feel someday as if I am broken. It helped hearing this. God bless and thank you
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I did not expect this conversation after I read the title. This was brave from the caller’s site and to engage in the conversation. Dr Delony handled him with care but also pushed him as much as necessary to make him realize that he needs more professional help. I truly hope that the caller will heal and come to peace.
This was one of the best calls, praying for this dude.
Much respect to Dr Deloney! The way we navigated this call was expert level! I’m praying this young man will get trauma therapy and get to a place of healing 🙏🏾
He probably is scared of sleep. He probably doesnt want to be alone with his thoughts. I hope he gets he really good therapist.
This one made me cry single tear style at the very end when Jack joked he was afraid of sleep.. I realized how intense the nightmare symptom of his PTSD must be. This is such an intense exploration of what the worst trauma does to people. It's such a deep call.
@VioletEmerald so true.
It's called "disassociation," the mind does this to protect you from trauma. Even if I get slightly uncomfortable from like a guy creeping on me at the bar, I can feel myself slip because of severe PTSD. Grounding techniques are useful here, name all of your senses and how you are using them. I see...the blue wallpaper, I hear...the tv, I smell the candle...etc. Recording convos, using a notepad for q and a, and texting convos also helps me remember. However, if it is something uncomfortable because of what I'm* doing, I try harder to not slip away than if I'm not involved. I don't want to hurt anyone. Not looking at the person directly helps me focus on what they're saying.
What a courageous caller. Wow. Kudos to him for reaching out for help and I hope he's on the path of healing now a year later.
He lived through hell. I didn’t remember much of anything about my childhood until my BPD mom assaulted me a few weeks after we buried Dad. BOOM! It all came back. I spent a couple years in trauma therapy. EMDR was lifesaving for me.
While I pray for this man to work thru his trauma, I honestly can understand why his wife left him. Relationships/marriages are HARD when you shut down in the nitty gritty and don’t/can’t communicate (this man can’t remember important stuff) things are inevitably going to fall apart. I hope this man can find his peace.
Yes. And your spouse cannot fix you, no matter how hard you both try. It isn’t their job either. Trauma negatively impacts many marriages and relationships if it isn’t addressed by a professional therapist.
This is some important content. I would really love an update on this guy. I'm a year post therapy for childhood trauma and it's physically tough on your body, I'm only just recovering from the physical effects. It's been worth it though to feel that peace and safety John speaks of.
I knew, as soon as I heard how he started "answering" questions that he had severe trauma. His brain protects him by hiding all the nasty stuff that happened. Dr John is soooo right that he needs to face this WITH help. His trait of dissociation in the present to tough conversations was established in his early childhood trauma.
My heart is breaking for this beautiful man. One year later, i really hope he's gotten to where he wants to be. This is a lot to unpack but once he gets through this he will be unstoppable
❤ his wife leaving will help him address this, its long overdue but he can do it
This was heartbreaking. I hope he heals. It’s so hard to hear the pain in his voice and it’s tragic that trauma he experienced as an innocent child has caused him to lose so much. Was there ever an update on him? I hope he’s doing better.
I was sexually abused .
It caused awful issues in me for years.
I've been so blessed with amazing Friends
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I wish this man the best in life. He deserves it
Dr. John is just phenomenal. I hope his life is as beautiful and peaceful as he guides others lives to be. 🙏🏼
1:30 any man who claims he was blindsided was told exactly why she's leaving. he chose to ignore her complaints not thinking she'd dare to leave. until she did.
you obviously didnt listen to the whole conversation! the guy was traumatised!
You definitely didn't watch the whole video because this comment just shows how short you attention span is
I barely cry listening to this podcast but his soul is hurting so bad 😢 i wish he gets the healing he deserves, he sounds like an amazing human being ❤❤❤
I am so sorry for this man 💙
I forgot something traumatic that happened to me at 10, I had no memory of it until I was about 17 and even then I thought it was something I made up. I feel for him. His please help him and show him your love, peace, mercy and grace.
I’m only 2 minutes in to this call and I know why she left him. This is really sad and I hope he gets the help he needs to for himself and possibly his further wife. 😢
Because she was selfish
@@Joel-pg4yi any backing for your theory?
@Joel-pg4yi If someone is miserable day in and day out, it's not wise to stay together because it will inevitably lead to resentment or worse. It's okay to be selfish sometimes. We all are on this planet for a short period of time, and if your partner is not wanting to seek help and improve their own life, then you can only take so much.
@@Joel-pg4yiactually, entering into a relationship when you've not dealt with your inner child is selfish
@@Joel-pg4yi neglect and emotional abuse are just as traumatic as physical abuse. This woman has been experiencing emotional abuse and neglect from her now ex, because he hasn't recovered from or dealt with his childhood trauma. She is brave, not selfish. Her leaving is the only thing that's causing this man to get the help he so desperately needs for healing.
That poor man. Can even talk about it.. I really hope that he gets the right help. My hearts hurts for him.. lord heal this man.. it hurts him so much and guilt. Lord send the right people to help him and that he may find peace and healing..🙏🏼
The truth will set you free, sir. No matter how ugly it is, unless you face it and speak it out loud, you will not even begin the healing process. It's going to hurt, it's going to make you crumple up and cry like a baby, it's going to make you really angry, but do it. Get in there and eventually that wound is going to clean itself out. Think of it like purging yourself so you can move forward in your life. Good luck to you.
This ❤️
Heartbreaking segment that had me bawling like a baby for all the people in the world who were hurt by those who were supposed to take care of them, whether they be parents, clergy, coaches or counselors. It must be worse than being hurt by a stranger. Luckily, I had great parents who were nothing but loving. I pray for peace for anyone who has experienced childhood trauma.
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