How Do Archers Resist Firing Arrows At Everyone In The Spectator Gallery?
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- Опубліковано 25 вер 2024
- Years of training allow Olympic archer Sarah Voegel to somehow resist shooting arrows at fans, stadium ushers, or birds flying overhead.
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“Pick off the slowest people trying to get away” I always aim for the fastest, if I hit them I’ll still have time to shoot the slowest.
I wonder if this video is a meme yet?
wait, did you ever play no russian?
cause that's when it comes in handy
Good strategy
Then people are slowed down by the corpse of the fastest person giving you even more time for glorious slaughter!
Goals 👍 👏👏
I like how she went “damnit” when she just popped a potential spectator in the head with no care in the world.
Thats a professional for you.
@@ninjabaiano6092 never satisfied
She had to show some remorse, lol🏹🤠👍
"Dammit, I only hit one person out of ten shots"
She really went "Damn it-.-"
"The pupils dilate as the archer looks to pick off the slowest people attempting to run away."
I'm done 😂😂😂
The animation of the pupils just make it 10x funnier
nonsense! you would pick off the fastest first, before the target is out of range.
school shooters be like
Predatory insticts kick in.
Im taking notes ;)
My sister and I had the honor of watching Sarah play in person at the 2016 Olympics! It was amazing how she avoided the spectators in 24 out of 25 attempts! Rest in peace Veronica
You should have caught the arrow, dont you know how much those sell for?
@@josef_belz519 rofl
@@josef_belz519Nah it belongs to the target that’s archery etiquette
Underrated comment. RIP Veronice. You took one for the team
@@josef_belz519 But Veronica caught the arrow first, it's hers now. Well, her next of kin.
The thing is, hitting the target gives positive points, while no points are awarded for killing spectators. That indicates the unfair bias the sport has towards stationary, flat targets that can't fight back.
That's a valid point.
Anthony Mills soo, kids in wheelchairs?
as an archery spectator...i often wonder if i will ever catch a foul ball.
@@Threat5STAR not if it’s without the chair.
@Jojoforpres or just paint it on there foreheads
This is why I stop doing archery. The temptation to make a triple kill is far too real.
Same here, I always wanted to collab the Ref and 5 of the spectators.
I tried archery for a year and legit never noticed people had this problem...is there something wrong with me?
@@pepehimovic3135 yea, get urself checked
@@pepehimovic3135 Maybe because you should be playing football instead of doing archery. I mean come on, don't you ever want to kick the ball to someone face or balls, especially the referee, see how many teeth you can knock out?
@@kualarompin589 wtf why?
I try to hit the target but it keeps screaming and running away
Gore You have to keep practicing and believe in yourself.
@Koloude 😂😂😂
@Koloude i once came to a school with a gun, not a bow and saw hundreds of targets running away from me and hiding. Why are they running
Just dilate your pupils you’ll get there
Gore
Lower your sensitivity
The first time I watched this, I wasn't yet aware of the Onion's reputation.
Now I know how much of a Credible news site they are.
Damn it!
as credible as any other, these days.
@@donHooligan
*More* Credible than any other these days.
i stand corrected,@@nathanielmartins5930
you make an undebatable point.
wait i'm confused what happened
If there's an archery event where people don't get shot, don't even bother inviting me
yeah, that would be a shitshow
True
You are definitely getting invited because who else will get shot if not you? Your reflexes must have gotten rusty in the time which you have spent not running away from arrows, and thus you will be the slowest person to run, hence you will get shot. Someone, also known as you, will definitely get shot if you go to an archery event.
Wasn't gonna
Not sure if this is a sadistical joke or a suicidal one
I remember back in HS when I started archery I became top of my class because I couldn’t stop myself from taking out the rest of my classmates. My teacher was so stunned at my ability to aim so well
It doesn't count as a school shooting especially if you get that win with a kill streak 20 or something ( ･ω･)☞
Personally I'll try to get double or triple kills
And I will happily 360 my math teacher
What country is this? I need archery in my life
When I did archery I proceeded to headshot everyone one after another but sadly I missed the last person because they were yelling so damn loud and proceeded to stumble so much.
I swear If it was quieter I would have gotten 100% accuracy, but like thanks!, way to ruin my shot red hair lady.
Amber, you have a nice name, can we be friends pls
I remember not having any friends last year during archery class because i killed all of them, sigh, i wish i had someone to practice with.
The fact is that they ARE aiming at the people, but they always miss, and hit the target instead.
Attenon MJ I did archery and this is very accurate
How did you find out my technique?!?!?!
The targets are the people, right?
L
O
I love how professional the Onion always looks
That's because our standards are so low nowadays. Mass media is just a big hoax.
Because it's a hugely popular, professional corporation???
That's the equivalent of saying: "wow, this leaf sure looks like a leaf!"
@@Banana_FusionA very realistic fake leaf.
“ accidentally” shoots arrow into crowd
The archer: oh boy here I go killing again
Rick and Morty reference, for the people who don't understand
love the reference
@@LegoManCreationsandAnimations the humor was extremely subtle, and I didn't have a grasp on physics to understand it very well
@@HavingCrumpets its in mortynight run, and the alien killer says "here i go killing again" before he infiltrates the base
Killamanjaro,
GAINED THE LEAD
Next:
"How DO people resist choking the shit out of everyone they pass by in public?"
"Lets make it harder by having a lady with a baby in a stroller pass by."
😂😂😂😂
How do they?
@@steel.croissant Lmao. I was gonna comment the same thing. No one could resist choking a karen...not even her own baby
*DOUBLE KILL!*
Hmm, tempting...
It amazes me what people can do. When I first started archery I killed all 20 people in my line of sight, then went up the street to kill more. The fact that people can resist that urge just blows my mind.
@Mek_T I'm in Somalia, so there's no one after me. It's true Somalia is a very dangerous country to be in, but the trick is to be the most dangerous thing around.
Damn bro you gotta up those numbers, 20 is like an amateur's.
@Sneaklone Yeah, but if there's any non-enemy combatants, the urge will still be there, and soon they're on the run, out of Somalia, without any idea of where they're going. They get a wig, get new clothing, burn their fingerprints off at a gas station, steal a car, remove the license plate, and just keep trying to get out of the country, but without any real idea of where they're going. Soon enough, they're deep into the Sahara, dying of thirst, and running out of food, with the car already running out of fuel long ago, just hoping to hightail it out of there and into somewhere else; an extremely remote place, let's say in Mali, but with the knowledge that they may still be found for who they used to be, and may have to run again.
And that's why only truly focused people are involved in archery.
@Sneaklone Or just practice archery on a boat. Some of the people OP inevitably shoots might turn out to have been pirates.
Well, at least you're a good shot. Too bad there's a death penalty. It should be a "death bonus!"
I worked at a Summer Camp this past year as the Archery Instructor, and yeah: I totally get that impulse! I'm proud of myself for only nailing 4 little ones in the head this summer, and just one glance off the shoulder on some kid. And by gosh, bless those little guys, there was one 12 year old who took out at least 7 of his friends and a parent! Hell, he even nicked my head but luckily I dove out of the way. Best summer ever...
Excellent! The urge to only nail 4 must be legendary.
As someone who was on the school archery team for 6 years, the temptation to shoot everyone else's targets overrides the temptation to shoot the spectators.
When I was in the Army, me and the guy next to me started shooting at each other's targets just for fun.
@@someguy7805 Boys never grow up, their toys just get bigger
@@johnr.timmers2297 How belittling
@@random_meta he’s not wrong though
@@johnr.timmers2297 you could say the same about girls, hon hon hon
*Shoots someone in the face*
"Damnit"
holy guacamole
**shoots someone in the throat**
"Brutal"
"Not again!"
This always gets me
"Oh golly gee"
holy guacamole: DAMIT didnt hit the penis
I started shooting three years ago. My friend sent me this with no context except demanding a body count.
I don’t know how to tell her I’m a mass murderer.
Make it fun and whimsical like "You know how old you are? That's my body count! *AND IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, THOU SHALL NOT SPEAK OF THIS*"
"How much bread have you eaten in your life?"
So, you know in our class how 21 students dropped out before graduation? Yeah, well 21 people have 'dropped out' of life.
Then smile like nothing is wrong, all the well eyeing them up, for they will be your 22nd victim..
Say u got at least a couple good killsyreaks in your time
@@onyxrose4349 i can't believe you got away with saying that
This instinct is a real issue in ametuer track, too. I used to be the captain of a cross country track team and chills always raced down my spine when I heard the dreaded “I’ve never done anything like this before…”. You’d have newbies launching themselves over the course boundaries as soon as the horn went off and chasing spectators one, two, even five miles until said spectator dropped from exhaustion and it seriously messed with our ability to get school funding because we had such a high body count
Normal me- An upstanding citizen.
Me with cross country spikes in the tall grass- Velociraptor time.
Most professional stadiums have snipers constantly fixed on the archer. Sadly even the snipers have to go through training to not shoot little Timmy.
We're gonna need another Timmy!
And then there are laser orbital satellites aiming at the snipers
@@arthursouza8100 I heard it takes 2 men to activate it so one doesn't blow up new york
god level
@@akivaweil5066 That is fortunate for new yorkers, still i would be careful
I got my daughter into archery.
She did pretty good. She managed to only shoot out one of my eyes and I also still have a testicle left.
I think she's ready for the pros
Lol😂
sounds like your daughter didn't want any younger siblings
@@Hawwwlucha yeah the first testicle was a warning
Lmfao
Lol
So much funnier because the narrator’s voice sounds exactly like the shows they’re imitating
I mean
Isn’t that the point?
I think he means that it sounds very real to the types of shows that the onion is trying to parody.
@@drcrimsoniam9395 Yeah that's... the whole point. The Onion is really good at properly imitating what they are trying to while still keeping just the right amount of ridiculousness to make it apparent that it's satire (to most people).
Yeah, but there was a guy here before that deleted his reply. I was mainly saying that to him.
@@chrxstt Yes, it is the point. However, the execution of it could have been much worse. I've seen parodies (not by The Onion) that make it too obvious by the fact that they simply haven't found the correct voice actor.
I remember when I watched this vid as a kid. I understood way less english back then and, I shit you not, I thought this was a totally serious video lmao
This is why I quit archery, you hit ONE person and people get pissy. This is why people like baseball, you hit the ball at the crowd and they LIKE it, a solid ball fired at the speed of a crossbow bolt, they try and catch it! But a stick traveling at half the speed and people shit themselves and run, madness!
Couldn't agree more
so true
So extra. Amirite everyone
Everyone now a days are snowflakes. Before we shot off people for sport, and it separated the strong from the weak
Now that is big brain knowledge
I thought this was serious until i saw the channel.
Then i knew this was 100% true and it comes from a completely reliable news source
You know it's a reliable news source because it has layers just like you, Shrek.
@@SDayle i love you
😂😂😂😂
Allen Sickle have my children plz
Less fake than CNN.
*How do pilots resist from flying their plane straight into the ground when there’s a screaming child on board?*
They don’t. What do you think 9/11 was?
@@sportsfaniguess154 “I swear, Timmy if you don’t stop that crying right now I’m gonna go full Nagasaki on this plane.”
They use buildings instead
@@sportsfaniguess154 This is the funniest thing I have seen in this comment section. Bravo to you for making such a good joke.
@@sportsfaniguess154 I’m fucking breathless that is so good
RIP to the spectator who was shot at the Paris Olympics :(
I was just thinking this watching the Olympics.
Which one do you mean? I saw them eliminating the complete group of more than 20 kids from the orphanage. Funny thing, some of them looked like unicorns with the arrows between the eyes.
This is fake. Professional archers don't hit a single spectator. They always go for double or triple kills.
they are professional are they not?
im the 666 liker of ur comment
that's why she said "damnit" at 1:50. Felt like she could do better.
I do pro archery and I once got a nuke by getting 25 kills
@@cupcakewhisperer69 bullseye! *evaporates entire arena*
>of course i won't shoot them guys
>*quick saves* *draw bow*
>*proceeds to thanos the crowd*
So, is this a home run?
Not gonna lie, I did that at the beginning of Oblivion to see what would happen if I killed the emperor. Turns out you can’t kill important characters.
Riverwood Discovered
Npc: “Cover your eyes timmy”
Im a former airplane pilot since 12 years now. And i can state we face a similar problem too. Usually in the academy we are formally told to not crash into more than 1 building peer flight, but it's so hard most of us just avoid them completely to not go killing spree on those buildings. The worst part is we actually had 2 building max but after my workmate did a double strike with a collateral bonus scored 9/11, they had to nerf planes and therefore put the limit to 1 peer flight.
I'm so sorry they nerfed the planes, they must bounce right off the buildings now being made of foam. :(
Really disappointed that there's no spectators for 2020, it really flies in the face of the spirit of the sport
How come my great great great great grandfather was praised and given a kingdom when he shot arrows at people yet when I do the same I get life sentence smh😒😒..
Sad
Flies in the face of... the spectators hehe
@@DocRoc94 hehe
@@boomingbob1579 your comment has a translate button that turns sad into now. lmao
*Up next:* _How do 30 year old adults resist slapping that screaming kid at the restaurant?_
It doesn’t matter if it’s theirs, they will either feed it spoonfuls of ketchup or will make a steak for themselves and a PBJ for their child at home
Or the screaming kid at the fucking library, "this is a quiet zone, so be quiet!!"
Rather than resisting slapping them, it's better to just distract the parents and divert their attention.
I’d like to see that one. The lawsuits are starting to pile up and my picture is up at all the restaurants in my town.
except thats a very valid desire
As an Olympian archer, even myself cannot resist the temptation sometimes. Once, I was demonstrating my skill to my family and my neurological sensors urged me to “eliminate the targets”. Worst day of my life, best feeling.
but how and why would the brain want to shoot people??????
@@mr.banana5627 r/wooosh
wat
how
I actually don't understand why is the brain a serial killer and also why you put me in r/whoosh
As the dummy Sarah shot in her last attempt, I am still unable to remove the arrow from my head.
Shooting at a stationary target is not a sport. Now when the spectators start running, then it becomes a sport.
Quiet Corner underrated
That's what the first arrow is for tho
That's a true display of skills if you ask me
@@salty-9 Ya don't start firing in the stand immediately. Let the people settle in and get comfortable. lol
That's why her eyes don't dilate with pleasure till the crowd realizes and panics. That's when murdering people starts to feel like some glorious drug. You have the power of death. You are the destroyer. The silencer of screams.
It's so hard to resist the temptation of doing a 360° no-scope into the judges
not gonna lie that headshot was PERFECT
isn´t the target 360° ?
180*
Even Katniss Everdeen Couldn’t Resist
That explains the hitting the pig apple lol.
_especially_ katniss everdeen couldn't resist
@@ninjabaiano6092 i think more so what happened in book 3
started reading 7 days ago LOL
@@silverschannel8578 both count, although I admit I was thinking of what you were thinking too.
“At this point, the pupils dilate as the archer looks to pick off the slowest people attempting to run away.”
Lmao
no one’s gonna talk about her heart rate going to 190bpm? that’s hilarious, 3 beats per second
I don't think your being serious but if you are I'll tell you that reaching 190 bpm is normal in well trained athletes take 220 and subtract your age and you should be able to get a heartrate of that so a 26 year old olimpian hitting 190 BPM would be very acheavible as a cyclist I have gotten to 204 BPM in the past when biking all out up a hill
@@Henry-gv8gj its archery man.. if you have 190bpm in archery then thats most certainly not your sport :D
@@Henry-gv8gj
The joke here is that archers are meant to remain calm, like most sports that requires concentration and aiming.
@@allenclw3361 fake news
@@brent9359
You are fake news, your whole family is fake news, your cow is fake news, and your dog is also fake news.
This is why I stopped archery, after my first 23 kills I realized it may not be the sport for me. Hopefully I’ll do better at the NRA shooting competition...
Same. I was a professional archer but one time I just slipped and accidentally killed 15 people.
Maybe you should try shotput or javelin.
Ffs XD
@@oreocookie8213
High capacity, full manual quivers kill.
@Shane Ashby Nice XD
"archers must resist the NATURAL IMPULSE to turn around and fire arrows at everyone"
that had me on the ground!
Why? Did the arrow hit you?
@@D3MZIR HAHAHAHAHA
FATALITY!
@Seriously? nobody said otherwise?
@Seriously? No it isn't. You're satire.
I too do competitive archery. I am actually this years Illinois Indoor State Champion for Young Adult, Barebow Recurve, and I have on several occasions found myself focusing in on the crowds. I have noticed a higher frequency when it comes to aiming at my brother. But with an exceptional coach and hundreds of hours, it is safe to say that I will never try to aim at someone again.
😂
Yeah I lost my eye at a archery contest the archer apologized and even signed the arrow so no harm no foul
Sounds like a nice person
@@vergilbaberuthofbaseball5983 I love how the person defending the archer that shot someone is literally Satan
@@mpmd6.9 no it's Satan, CEO of hell get it correct god dammit
is the eye still on the signed arrow?
When I was a kid I once played the game where you have to hit pop the balloon with the darts. I threw the dart wrong and it bounced back at me and got stuck in my chest. I think the guy got scared cause he gave me the biggest prize they had and let me keep the dart
SMH fake as hell. Everyone knows you go for the fastest ones first because you have more time to take out the slow ones.
and get the ones near the exit so they get blocked with bodies. these guys are noobs
Fucking hell lmao
before hand you should lace the arrows with poison due to the fact that the sheer killer instinct in your blood will make you less accurate in hitting the spectators. so even if you get an arm they die
Noah Hysi Or explosive arrows, so you don’t even have to hit
Noah Hysi smear the arrows with shit so that they die from sepsis if the shot is non-lethal.
“Which just goes to show that the pros aren’t perfect” the headshot was tho
When a video gets recommended to you after 5 years lmao
I love the "their pupils dilate"
Just in absolute bliss from shooting the crowed.
The thing that makes these videos even funnier is knowing that there are people out there who don't know this is satire.
tf you on? This is clearly real
@@Destroyerz117 ikr
I genuinely used to think this exact video was real lmao.
I did when I was like 9, so all my life I believed it becasue I didn't realize it was from The Onion
I didnt know this was satire, thats why i came to the comment section
That's why I prefer to watch amateur competitions. It gives me the thrill every time. Was hit already twice. :)
Same man, the guy sitting next to me got hit once lucky dog
Never ever i thought a guy would hit on me.. up until he did
oof, talk about being lucky. Wish I got hit in the shoulder.
Did you get the arrows removed or do still proudly carry them?
Mine went through, so I had no choice. I did bring the tip home with me though
As an archer, I can confirm the urge is just too strong sometimes. Sitting out from a few competitions is a must in order to make sure no one gets hurt
So why are archers so tempted to shoot the croud
@@ryleyrudman6360 facial recognition in the brain associates people looking at you while you draw as enemies, making your mind imagine the people as the opposing side in a war, causing your self protective instincts to kick in and make you try to shoot the crowd. It’s a tough thing to go against, but you must be greater than your instincts sometimes.
@@brina6063 or you just really want a killtacular
Is dis sarcasm
@@MetrixGD no its patrick
Yes it is
As an archery myself, I gotta say that we do have those impulses, but the way I found out how to deal with it was to shut my brain off. Yes, I know this sounds wierd and that it is anatomically impossible, but when I step up to the line, I let the entire world around me just disappear. It is now just me and the target. There are times where this habit becomes so trance-like that I have forgotten to breathe through the entirety of my 3 arrows. I have no idea how I am able to do it, but it works.
Any tips on how to survive in the crowd?
@@ijoinedthedarkside333: Don't be in the thickest part of the crowd. Stay on the periphery for less bunching and more escape options.
@@ijoinedthedarkside333Stay behind them😂
1:12 as an archer this is not true. We get the fastest first, then the slowest.
It doubles our K/D ratio.
yep, makes perfect sense.
allowing the slow ones to get down-range a little hones the skills
The slowest are just the bonus
Do the fast ones get you more points too? If not then they should fix that the fast ones are harder to hit so they should get you atleast 150 points. 100 for the kill and 50 for the speed
This is disgusting! Don't you realize you're just inflicting potentially irreversible damage to the herd's gene pool? Wildlife management 101 informs us that long-term sustainability of a given ecosystem depends on culling the _weaker_ specimens, leaving the stronger ones to maintain genetic influence. Unless your intention is to gradually weaken the population simply to make _your_ job easier, please focus on the aged, the infirm and the morbidly obese. If you're concerned about being denied the adrenaline rush that comes from picking off the more nimble individuals, here's a tip: those in wheelchairs make the most challenging targets due to the reduced target profile. Infants and children are acceptable targets *only* if the parent is holding them up as shields. Please shoot responsibly.
@DIY Sorry, you're mistaken. The Archer, just like the Stone Marten, get's into a bloody Frenzy when faced with an Overabundance of Prey. Their close Relationship to Humans (well, we know Archers are no Humans) makes them perfect for the Task. And their favored Prey, the Spectator, is quiet willing to be shot, thus gathers in large Groups. Don't blame the Archer for the usual Bodycount, everyone is fair Game. Side Note: My Uncle had Pigeons, until he left their Place open at Night. EDIT.: all surviving Spectators, are actually Newborns
Over 5000 dislikes - I detect lots of slow spectators.
And surviving family members of slow spectators.
you have 666 likes..
*DON'T RUIN IT!!!!*
THE NUMBER HAS INCREASED TO 6.3K
Naww I only disliked because it ended up in my reccomendation when I don't watch these type of things
@@jakartagamer6188 woah there buddy I'm just saying that cuz I don't watch these I never find them interesting no need to be toxic that's just my opinion here ill like this vid just for you plus I think you ur parents dint raised you well
incredible, I've been doing archery for years and I still can't resist, the cleanup is so annoying every time since I can't have any witnesses. I just gave up and have small private sessions with only few people so that the clean up isn't messy and I don't have to spend so much on hitmen
Imagine not being good enough to just collateral every single person with one arrow smh
How come my great great great great grandfather was praised and given a kingdom when he shot arrows at people yet when I do the same I get life sentence smh😒😒..
Where's your pfp from?
@@burnedpizzacrust1199 mine? Seibetsu "Mona Lisa" no Kimi he.
relatable
Not enough people appreciate the fact that the "Sportologist" is named Adam Fletcher-literally Adam "Arrow-maker."
I scrolled so much down looking for this comment
Same thing happens when I drive in cities. The ppl on the sidewalk look so tempting but then I think about how long it takes to drive to that good car wash that doesn't leave any spots.
Dude ikr, those carwashes are extortionist and barely effective.
If you keep your hand here on wheel, no one knows you. You move your hands there, your on the cover of news week
this explains why GTA games are so popular: they speak to the soul.
Hahhahahaha lol xD
Mustang driver?
Can't wait for the "How Do Drivers Resist Hitting Cyclists" episode!
The answer: They don't.
Better question is: "How do cyclists resist the urge to break traffic laws and fling themselves into the path of oncoming vehicles?"
The answer:
They don't.
111 likes. Didn’t wanna ruin that
Like peter griffin in the marathon
So peter how did you win?
Well, i just drove and whenever there was someone in the way, i killed 'em
@@zzduckxx8646 well someone already did it
That moment when the production value for a satirical video is so high people can't even tell that it's satire anymore.
wait it was?
Exactly
Jonathan Scott it had me.
Jonathan Scott holy fuck lol
Aziz Nikbin How could you think this was serious?!?! Lol
The easiest way to keep focus is to tell your self you only have one shot and that you cant take them all out. So as long as there is no high value targets in the audience you're good.
"However, when we dressed the dummies in Despicable Me Minions merchandise, Sarah shot at them 10 out of 10 times, demonstrating her solid understanding of target prioritization. For the sake of the world's well-being, the Minions had to go, even if Sarah lost the competition as a result."
XDDDD WTF this shit is hilarious, i really hope this channel is just a prank channel
@@josephjames3320 actually no, the onion is notorious for always beeing truthfull with their stories.
@@David_Box oh ok thanks i was kind of confused and thought he was trolling
@@josephjames3320 satire.
Therefore showing her dominance of not being a Facebook mom
As a spectator it was an honor to have been hit by the arrows. If you run away you are not a fan of the sport and should just get out.
???
I laughed so hard lmao
Ugh, gatekeeping archery fandom, now? Look, I've been shot by at least three arrows in my lifetime thanks to this great sport, but I'm not gonna tell anyone they're less of a fan for running or dodging an arrow here or there. Hell, it's part of the fun! Gives the athlete a real challenge, especially if you're a pro like me and know how to bob and weave.
I mean I'm not so good with only one eye, now, but it's a classic sport and everyone should be able to enjoy the thrill of losing a loved one to a master archer's well-placed arrow.
Love you Pop-pop. Miss you every day.
Lmao
Wreethee Faaangs
Pretty sure that’s why they’re running, to get out of there!
What is this? Some kind of joke?
My dad is experienced archer and from what he told me...
Always aim for the head.
*You should have gone for the head*
Oh no, this is 100% serious
Not to say your father was wrong, in fact, competitive archery begins with picturing the target as the head of a disliked person
But neck for good too
Negative CzechCrusader. Always aim for the genitals. You get a better score for those hits! The louder the screams of pain, the better the chances of victory. Especially if 1 of your competitors has the same score as you.
Was your father Thanos?
Man last time I went to a archery event made sure to bring my splash guard. Even when home with corpse as a souvenir. Since they changed the rules last year to only one corpse per fan. Can't wait to go next year I'll bring my grandma because she so slow.
Disliked, im an archer and my teacher told me not to resist
Damn son
Never resist
@@3fxz483 Woosh?
YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO PLEAS THE SPECTATORS! NOT SHOOT THEM!
_From my point of view the spectators are evil!_
“It was my character’s Joy-Con drift, and my aim slipped.”
That Joy-Con drift do be deadly tho
@Eric Boone i'm on an olde N64 controller
archer: let's shoot the target
brain: F*** YEAH! PEOPLE!
I... i read this in oz'z voice and its so much funnier
@@vod7280 Oz who?
SUPPRESSING FIRE!!!
Friend fire: *ON*
These are some strong minded people. I finally got the help I needed to put the bow down for good. I loved archery, but when my family showed up to one of the events and i killed them all in a line with a single arrow, i knew i had taken it too far and perfect opportunities like that were consuming who I was. Blessed to say I'm a changed man now!
Spectators: *Exist*
Archer: *Eyes glow* This is where the fun begins...
🤣
"run she's entering the avatar state!"
@@rya3 omg thats amazing
I have a bad feeling about this
Archer: *spots younglings in the crowd* "I killed them. I killed them all. They're dead, every single one of them..."
But how do wrestlers resist punching everyone in the crowd?
Isavirs That's why they have years and years of training to resist not hitting the people in the audience.
@@cloighiniclochlainn8473 that and the rings in the way
Because unlike archers they might face some actual retaliation, especially if they attempt to strike at some celebrity in the front row or a family member of another wrestler, alternatively someone could throw a briefcase at them?
It's because wrestlers mainly *grapple* the audience instead. Or throw a chair.
@@tefnutofhoney2832 there's no ring in real wrestling it's a mat
Me: shoots at everyone
My body: what the hell
My brain: (in deep voice) double kill triple kill kill streak
M-M-M-MONSTER KILLL KILL KILL...
Unstoppable
RUNNING RIOT
*NUKE INCOMING*
Killtackular
Not to mention they must also resist the urge to shoot the pieces of fruit (plus the strawberry cake, bread loaf, and electronic clock) hidden in the field.
THE ELECTRONIC CLOCK IS SO REAL
This type of incident is naturally prevented by having more archers. That's why the government is taking action to prevent more accidents like this; by equipping the audience with their own bow and arrow.
How about guns?
Oh wait, guns are more tempting.
AnDr3W91 america gun law in a nutshell
AnDr3W91 LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN.
The only thing that stops a bad guy with a bow and arrow is a good guy with a bow and arrow.
I totally forgot this was The Onion, but it's even funnier that they got such an accomplished archer in on the joke 😂
Shes not, she has shit form, beginners bow
@@psyckorok1092 cool, mate
How can she be an accomplished archer when she only shot the crowd 1 out of 10 times?
@@psyckorok1092 Okay venom carnage
@@ryanvo6955 ok Ryan
The only reliable news source these days
Now this is real news not that crappy fake news.
True
That's the beauty of the Onion. The news is cynical and sensationalized and the Onion just turns it all on its head
I used to do archery on my college team. It is indeed a challenge. My remedy was to bring extra arrows, kill as many spectators as I could, and then I could actually focus on hitting the target.
It worked very well on my first tournament, unfortunately I was expelled and arrested soon after, and court ordered never to practice archery again.
An archer takes a bow... audience applauds.
or
An archer takes a bow... audience runs in terror.
Master Therion English language win. This is the content I live for
I don't get it
Good pun!
Nice profile pic
😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱
Katniss Everdeen clearly had not practiced this adequately
Finally a Katniss comment 😆
Hunger Games 🏹
Can't miss evershot
good one lul
that’s an amazing reference
I had no idea The Onion had started covering true stories
Well, satire is dead, so.....
Us retail workers also have to fight a very similar urge towards our clients
The problem with this test is that even though the dummies simulate the urge to fire at them in the brain, you still know that they are dummies. I feel like a better test would be to actually have people there sitting on the benches.
yeah that would be great, it would make the test even more authentic, smh what were they doing
I guess the blood from the audience adds more joy than just a dummies
Yeah I would love to have a guy like you sitting there
so you could shoot them instead
the pupils dilating killed me
The killing instinct awakens
I thought the arrow would have killed you
don't miss the urine testing at end of vid
“With eyes so dialated I’ve become your pupil”
She high while arching
My grandpa gave me a bow and arrow for my 12th birthday. Let me tell you, the temptation is real.
Rip Pap pap. 1984-2005 😢
It's okay. You couldn't help it
Dang bro. Your grandpa was 21?
The age of your grandfather is very suspicious
ThunderCloud 280 I think he is lying 😳
@@ehhtee7901 i think your mom is lying....on her back, as usual
As an ex-competition archer I can vouch for the fact that this IS a real thing. Especially if they start eating noisy food like crisps.
Yeah, I accidentally shot the queen once. They had to get a 37th body double.
Imacookieboi Choc chip yeah damn i accidentally shot john f kennedy man. I was going for the tires so the car could go slip into a building and the building they crashed in had a kitchen right above them and knives would fall on their heads man. Smh so sad that i got the headshot
FBI OPEN UP
Sulaiman Kaita yes the american fbi
lmao-
What was that quote from Star Trek again? "Resistance to shoot spectators is futile"
The First Rule of Archery: Don't Talk about Archery.
The Second Rule of Archery: Don't Disclose Where the Bodies are Stashed.
@@aproe610 also incorrect. The second rule is take out the people at both ends of the stands.
@@digitaal_boog no that is the third rule, the second rule is "take out the one that breaks the first rule and the ones they told it too."
Rule one dont talk about archery rule two run if you are stating these rules(trust me I'm safe)
They're in the back
AProXD 3rd rule: if you’re here, you’re fighting. *ahem* sorry, you’re shooting.
Somehow, I think the YT algorithm has selected lots of people from Scandinavia for this video today...
This is really funny in light of the recent bow and arrow massacre in Norway (sorry couln't help myself)
@@GamingNachos yep i understand
As a competitive rifle shooter, I can empathize with the archers. Sight alignment, trigger squeeze, breath control, and not putting your crosshairs on the guy with the noisy snack in the stands....
I'd like to feed him lead instead of chips
This was my first video I’ve seen by “the onion” and man I went through like 20 stages of confusion
Kareem Almond now you just gotta watch sex house and porkin across America
I hope right afterwards you found EVERY "TODAY NOW!" EPISODE :-)
Rule of thumb: Always look at the channel _before_ you watch the video.
Pink Never heard of the onion, but the obvious is obvious.
Shit
Onyons
Shit, I didn't realize it was the fucking onion until near the end lmao
Damn u were right gg
When I started archery my coach was blown away. My aim was so good that I managed to get triple or even quadruple kills with a single arrow
You even blew away the coach? Damn, how did you learn after that?
I used to be passionate about archery, and I really wanted to try it out. I saved up all my money to buy a bow and some arrows as well as a small target. I went into my backyard, and as I’m aiming the bow I see Billy from next door watching. Of course as it was my first time I aimed at him and got him right in the forehead. Billy’s mom saw me do this and rushed over. I got her too. I’ve been on the run ever since. I miss Billy.
We all miss billy '='
I hope Billy's in heaven shooting the slowest angels he can find.
Excacto that has to be the best reply I have ever seen in my life
Nice shot!
;-;
;-; ;-;
*AT THIS POINT THE PUPILS DILATE AS THE ARCHER LOOKS TO PICK OFF THE SLOWEST PEOPLE ATTEMPTING TO RUN AWAY*
@Caesar Oh please, He's just highlighting his favorite moment. And judging by the likes it certainly made some people laugh
@@turkeygod6665 whoosh
RaviOli that's not a whoosh
@@SkywardSquittle Whooosh
Best part
How many spectators does the typical Olympic archer kill before they develop the ability to focus more on the target than the crowd?
ALL OF THEM
734
+TheMudbrooker That's just the average, remember. Most archers only shoot between 290 and 340 spectators during their whole career, but the average is raised by the few that take very long to master their impulse control. Some of the less skilled archers are known to have hit up towards 1,600 audience members by the time they compete in top-level competitions like the Olympics. And the average professional *kill* count is only 91. Get your facts straight.
Just the ones that "have failed this city".
+SelvesteSand lot of contradictions in that statement.
Scientists agree that archery remains one of the most dangerous sports to spectate.
still behind lawn darts, i'd have to guess.
When I go bowling I throw the balls at people’s heads, is that strange?
No, who doesn't do that? If your family doesn't do that, they aren't family.
That's a lot of work. Toes are easier.
Do you call them pin heads?
@@mariposa9506 If I get whacked by a bowling ball I hope somebody calls me an ambulance.
you're an ambulance
Thanks to consecutive hours playing GTA I have lost the impulse to fly cargo jets into pedestrians .
You are a true heroe of our time
Yea, but every time I see a motorcycle...
holy shit the next GTA better have bows CONTACT ROCKSTAR GAMES IMMEDIATELY
What about the urge to fly them into buildings?
Chibi Terasu Lmfao
This can't be real. Headshots have always meant extra points.
Imagine if this gets into alien documentary about humans
Let’s just recognize that the commentator’s last name is Fletcher
Purely coincidence, I'm sure :P
Ugh, I feel dumb now
I was looking for a comment about this.
I dont get it
Santi Cheeks Fletchers make arrows and stuff
I lost it at the pupil dilation.
same. rofl
She's just Lost in bloodlust