“I want to feel understood and supported but I’m going to lie, withhold information, be cold & hot, be passive aggressive and keep you constantly guessing what’s going on in my head” - the DA
I wish DAs understood how UNFAIR it is to their partner when they find flaws and refuse to communicate about what bothers them because they don't like conflict. When you choose to stew in resentment instead of sharing what's bothering you, you don't give your partner the opportunity to fix whatever it is they're doing wrong. Your partner can't read your mind about WHAT you're upset about... We just know you're upset. It's unbelievably hurtful to get dumped/rejected because your partner was holding you to standards and rules that they never actually discussed with you.
I won't allow myself to live with someone who does that. It sounds like a living hell. I had some of this from a DA someone and saw it increasing and I knew that I could not be healed enough ever to be able to receive criticism at the drop of the hat from someone who didn't even see that he was doing that as a habit. He saw it as the other person 'taking things personally' who had the issue. NOPE. That would have to be fully understood and being worked on before I take that on 24/7.
@lily mulligan every insecure attachment style has maladaptive behaviors that they're not consciously aware of. so while it is obvious to you that someone should communicate their frustrations, for an avoidant person, they truly don't understand that. Like, truly. their caregiver shamed them for communicating all day ever day to the point where they just stopped communicating and forgot how to do it. i just think it's important to accept that people were conditioned in a completely different world from you so what is obviously unfair to you is an absolute foreign concept and foreign language to someone else, and all we can do at the end of the day is walk away from dynamics that don't feel fair to us instead of staying in it and try to change the other person
literally this. it is like they hit you and run away so you cant defend yourself. and its not like they needed to hit you to begin with, just say what is on your mind. they introduce unnecessary toxicity where none may have existed before. its very unfair.
Tried to reconcile with my DA ex yesterday. Broke no contact after 3 weeks to apologize for my “neediness” although the fight was about me setting a very reasonable boundary. Took responsibility and the blame for everything, asked for another chance but she wasn’t ready, that it was good timing because she was going to a “girls trip” to Vegas this weekend and didn’t want to worry about me…I was beyond crushed. A year and a half of push pull up down roller coaster of emotion, all to end just like that. I come to these videos for hope and validation,but reading all the comments always brings me back to reality, as much as I want her back, there is no future for being with someone unwilling to work on themselves. She fits every point of this video but is simply incapable of self reflection.
I feel this, they're incredibly difficult to be with. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who takes zero accountability for their own behavior. I put up with my DA's behavior like this for years, anything and everything I say and feel is 100% wrong, and he is always 100% right, he would never consider my side not for one second. It's better that if they never learn that we have our peace again. Sometimes a hard "no" or breaking contact is the only way.
I’m working on reconnecting with my DA ex. What I’ve learned is you have to give them lots of no contact, more than 30 days… then when you reconnect talk of getting back is the last thing you want to do! I’m in week 4 of slowly connecting. Every week we get closer and closer. You just have to be your best self, secure, and do not bring up wanting to get back. If you show your best self they will naturally be reattracted to you.
@@amandaevans1071I wish you the best but aren’t you afraid that as soon as you get closer it’ll activate their DA attachment wound and pull away again and start the toxic cycle all over again, negating all the hard work you put in to make yourself more secure?
@@joeflores174 No because 1. I’m trying to not create a self fulfilling prophecy by creating a future of unknown, taking it one day at a time. 2. I truly believe my secure behavior (not being anxious and needy) will create a safer environment for him to be secure, which I’m already seeing over the last month of reconnecting. Time is on my side but I have to be patient. Healing my attachment side also gives me the mindset that whatever happens I will be ok, that my life will not end if it’s over for good. We were together for 1.5 years and had 80% a great relationship. My insecure attachment and suffocation was just too much to take in the end for him. I’m basically creating a new relationship… the old one is dead- I don’t want it back. I’m doing the therapy and work on my self and amazingly enough he is starting to also be more secure. Even today when I texted him he messaged back and said “hey, been on the phone with my dad and just walking into work. I don’t want you to think Im ignoring you. I’ll call when I’m finished” which blew my mind as he never behaved like that before. I would have anxiously questioned why he wasn’t texting, then sent a million texts most likely ending in a bitter “wtf, just don’t bother texting me again!” (Haha my protest behavior) Im taking on the when he pulls back, I pull back attitude and wait for him to text me first 75% of the time. I’ve noticed he can’t go more than 1-2 days now to message. A month ago it was about 5-7 days. It’s gradually getting more frequent and he’s started to make plans with me. I’m not rushing it, I’m not setting expectations, and I’m definitely not asking to get back. If he is dating then I’m back to where I would be with anyone in the dating world so I have to have confidence that the others will slowly be weeded out as long as I shine and remain as a happy, safe, noncontrolling figure in his life. A bit of flirting and kissing has taken place the last week so it’s going in the right direction :) Its a slow process with a DA, too much pressure and he will run. If Im secure, he will lean secure as well. I think a lot of people on here that demonize a DA just didn’t work on themselves or they didn’t have a solid relationship to begin with. I am holding my boundaries with my needs as well, if I feel anxious instead of acting on those thoughts I politely bring up what’s bothering me and we discuss. End of the day I’ll either get him back or I’ll be so secure that I won’t care if he comes back. It’s a win win ;)
… so so hard on the receiving end … THANK YOU for explaining 🙏🏼 they might be more sensitive to criticism but their behavior is beyond hurtful not communicating and stonewalling r just so triggering
@@winnieamar9368even aware ones do if they haven't healed enough. They are self-aware which actually makes the spiraling worse because they shut down out of guilt too
I had a DA encounter long ago. Its not about the DA, or the FA. Its about how close you are to being an emotionally secured person. Take their behavior as cues to understand where you stand _ enmeshed stage? Sometimes entangle stage? Observer stage? Sage stage? Then depending how much energy or intention you have to invest in those disbalanced equations, you stay or leave. Drastically reducing, pref eliminating your urge for the other to change. Peace is the goal.
The part where she says "unconditional support and understanding" is the secret sauce. They show up magnificently once they find comfort in you. They will never express it in words, but their actions will tell you when you're in their inner circle.
Yeah, but that's where she lost me. Unconditional love, support and understanding, that's what your parents should give you and that's the only relationship that should be unconditional. A relationship between adults should always be based on some conditions, defined by both partners. Mutual respect, reciprocity, fidelity etc. DAs often consider themselves wanting or unable to support, care for or look after their partners - they feel that they are ill equipped to relate to their partners in an adult way, which is why there are so many stories of them leaving a relationship when things get difficult. At the same time, they do want to be supported, understood, cared for (just not too much) without having to articulate their needs, much like a child. So what avoidants need to learn is that the perfect partner they envision cannot take on the responsibilities of a parent, they need to give back and invest the same amount of energy. Not all the time, sometimes one partner requires more support or more care. But taking without giving and expecting this to be unconditional, that's the fantasy of a neglected child.
I cannot say anything that will take away your frustrations. But from reading your comments, I can tell that there is a spiritual journey ahead of you, if only you'd allow yourself to lean into it with courage and a sense of adventure.
That's nice and all, we all want unconditional love and support but when she said that I got turned off by that comment because avoidants expect unconditional love as a given but they refuse to give unconditional love and support to me from their side. As others have said adult relationships aren't realistically built on "unconditional" love.
Absolutely, being unconditionally supportive and understanding is not for everyone. If you've found other ways that work for your relationships, that's great!
Some DA's are highly aware of their behaviors and are choosing to continue behaving accordingly, in the name of that's just how I am (I cannot help it 😔). I believe that is so for other insecure styles as well, in which they believe it's just the way I am. The part that is most of all sad is when these individuals refuse to embrace that there is a healthier way to do relationships with your children, and long term committed partners, in which if done in a healthy way all will benefit instead of anyone sacrificing themselves.
Has a person who’s was extremely DA, and is now mostly secure still DA. It wasn’t until I understood what a DA was that was I was doing was unhealthy. Common sense isnt so common. Many behaviors I did I thought was normal but emotionally hurt my partners but I thought that was one flirting and two how relationships were, my “truth” of how relationships should be was not healthy but it was my “truth” though I literally did not know better. Once I learned about attachment I realized a lot of ways my actions hurt those who I thought were like me not easily phased.
Cool. Until recently I was fascinated with DAs and very attracted to them, couldn't see their flaws and when hearing about those flaws, thought it was adorable. Now, it's changing and I can no longer accept that a person can be so harsh and critical to others and think that taking others into consideration is "walking on eggshells" but can't take criticism themselves and expects others to adjust to their behavior, often gaslight others for being "overly sensitive". All attachments styles have their flaws, I just refused to notice them in DAs but now they annoy me a lot and I don't want to put up with that anymore, so... progress?
DAs may be the most misunderstood. Bottom line: on their own is their safety lane. All these behaviors are strategies to get back into their lane, whenever the going is sketchy. Sure they're excuses, they can be received as manipulation, it's all kinda weak sauce, but it's their wounding and handicap --- they're so different from narcissists and actively manipulative types. And without Thais's help I don't think I'd have understood, I'd just have kept getting irate; but yeah as with everyone else, they'll remind of us our need to 'meet our needs' and have a balanced life.
Former DA here and I'd like to speak on behalf of all DAs on how deeply painful it is for us to be misunderstood a lot of the times. So I wanted to say thank you for your understanding and open-mindedness. We appreciate it so much! 🌹
@@Alixir1228 The way you communicate with me seems like you've been hurt by someone, but we've all been hurt at some point. It's our sole responsibility to heal ourselves and be mindful to not take out our pain onto others. May you find healing. 🤍
I have a DA ex that I love and respect very much. I honestly believe had I done the work on understanding him sooner we would still be together. Because he showed up for our relationship having done a lot of work, but my insecurities because of Covid shut down and some surgeries led me to be less understanding, and because he had gone above and beyond, trusting me and being vulnerable, just couldn’t be sustainable, having gone through what we did. Even if we aren’t together I feel like I am healing learning about his attachment style, as well as my own, and coming to an understanding of his needs, and my needs. Our paths may or may not cross again, but this helps me support other people in my life too, like my kids.
I have a good friend who's FA. He's truly doing his best to heal from it and it's really beautiful to see the evolution. Sometimes I do see regression but that's ok. It's a learning process. I try to give some insight but always let him learn for himself and just be there for him. Because that is what he has missed from his prominent caretaker 'To be there for them when they want to explore the world and even if they make mistakes'. It's a difficult task the closer you stand besides them but it's not an one-sided traject. I too have learnt a lot from my great friend e.g. why do I react in some way? I'm happy I've met him even when it's difficult sometimes :)
Timely video, again! I swear Thais has the ability to know when we're going through it & need a video on it. My DA has been stonewalling me for the past few weeks after I wrongly criticized her because of an unmet need that I wasn't getting (learned that through Thais videos) and I've apologized, taken accountability and seeking to reconnect. She's been acting distant still & I feel she's showing all 5 of these protest behaviors. I'ma just give her her space and work on myself
Such a great video. I do wonder though if a fully unaware DA would take that last part you said and use it as an excuse to justify further pushing someone away. That instead of working through their own traumas, taking it as evidence of why the relationship isn't right.
Wouldn't that be every attachment though? If someone's unaware of their flawed thinking, they will take everything that is triggering and make it their partner's fault (much like the comment section) and say to themselves that if they had a better partner, they wouldn't need to push someone away.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool There is an observation regarding "Finding Flaws" that I'm interested to learn if you actually agree: not only flaw finding applies as you described, but at the same time everything which was once good and substancial is belittled and devalued. Is that a thing?
i think for my ex, he turned my green flags into dealbreakers. he said we were not compatible, then listed things we agreed on together as partners. is this similar to your situation?
Just had another pointer..... DA's can slip into negative sentiment override or enter relationships in that condition. The unspoken needs, and perceived wrongs, and resentment can cause them to strongly see you as their enemy. It's vicious when that happens, and hard to stop that cycle with so many blind spots, and other cycles occurring too, without a willingness from them to accept other's influence..... ua-cam.com/video/gTquJnaMmu8/v-deo.html
If your intuition is screaming at you listen to it and get out of that dynamic. It serves no one or only to highlight what you were doing in attracting these Cul De Sacs.. into your life.
I think there’s overlapping situations between dismissive/add/narc I would think most people are just responding to trauma not necessarily with the intent to harm (narc/psycho)
In my case, my ex who did this was DA, not a narc. Thais has a video from a few months ago talking about the difference between DA and narcissism. Super useful
@@lilymulligan8180 the guy dumped my best friend when she got pregnant for him, but he been mentioning many times how he wanted her pregnant, and he also dumped her on her birthday! 2 didf times! 2 years in a row, pretty much around the same momth
@@vtchevalier the guy dumped my best friend when she got pregnant for him, but he been mentioning many times how he wanted her pregnant, and he also dumped her on her birthday! 2 diff times! 2 years in a row pretty much around the same month!
Those protest behaviors would make you feel insure and will make you anxious. People who are hyper vigilant can easily pay attention to the signs and react. Which pushes the DA away…
Do DAs turn their kids into DAs? Mine is very involved with his, but that’s really the extent of what I know, so I wonder if they’re ok. They’re not my children.
Watch it lady, that's my dad you're talking about :D It's so frustrating. I ask him to please, please talk in a grown up full sentence of what you want... but no, I'd be going about my life, then I would call him and I would receive some short comment out of left field, then pretends that nothing was said.
Well to be fair if you ask anyone to do or say something in a "grown up full sentence" they will probably feel patronised and belittled and will be less likely to respond in a positive or productive manner. We all get frustrated or angry with our partner's behaviour but it's important to be respectful even during a conflict.
@@Joe-jc5ol Hmmmm it sounds then like you have but two options 1. You accept that it is just how he is and can't change 2. End the relationship Depending of course on how much of a problem it is for you. If you keep taking issue with something and keep trying to change it without any success, then surely it must make it difficult for you to remain interested and attracted by them?
Loved the video! Learning to communicate about things is one of the best things they can do for their healing and it does help a lot!!
great point Sanjana!
“I want to feel understood and supported but I’m going to lie, withhold information, be cold & hot, be passive aggressive and keep you constantly guessing what’s going on in my head” - the DA
Sums up my guy.
Years wasted. Brought me to my knees. Will never do that one again
I wish DAs understood how UNFAIR it is to their partner when they find flaws and refuse to communicate about what bothers them because they don't like conflict. When you choose to stew in resentment instead of sharing what's bothering you, you don't give your partner the opportunity to fix whatever it is they're doing wrong. Your partner can't read your mind about WHAT you're upset about... We just know you're upset.
It's unbelievably hurtful to get dumped/rejected because your partner was holding you to standards and rules that they never actually discussed with you.
100%. So so unfair.
Yes
I won't allow myself to live with someone who does that. It sounds like a living hell. I had some of this from a DA someone and saw it increasing and I knew that I could not be healed enough ever to be able to receive criticism at the drop of the hat from someone who didn't even see that he was doing that as a habit. He saw it as the other person 'taking things personally' who had the issue. NOPE. That would have to be fully understood and being worked on before I take that on 24/7.
@lily mulligan every insecure attachment style has maladaptive behaviors that they're not consciously aware of. so while it is obvious to you that someone should communicate their frustrations, for an avoidant person, they truly don't understand that. Like, truly. their caregiver shamed them for communicating all day ever day to the point where they just stopped communicating and forgot how to do it. i just think it's important to accept that people were conditioned in a completely different world from you so what is obviously unfair to you is an absolute foreign concept and foreign language to someone else, and all we can do at the end of the day is walk away from dynamics that don't feel fair to us instead of staying in it and try to change the other person
literally this. it is like they hit you and run away so you cant defend yourself. and its not like they needed to hit you to begin with, just say what is on your mind. they introduce unnecessary toxicity where none may have existed before. its very unfair.
These people are catalysts in ones life... they show you your weaknesses and what you need to work on. Move on and don't look back.
Yes, they’re a season …
@@monicamavian5214I love this reply. Thank you. A season... :)
Beautifully put.
Tried to reconcile with my DA ex yesterday. Broke no contact after 3 weeks to apologize for my “neediness” although the fight was about me setting a very reasonable boundary. Took responsibility and the blame for everything, asked for another chance but she wasn’t ready, that it was good timing because she was going to a “girls trip” to Vegas this weekend and didn’t want to worry about me…I was beyond crushed. A year and a half of push pull up down roller coaster of emotion, all to end just like that. I come to these videos for hope and validation,but reading all the comments always brings me back to reality, as much as I want her back, there is no future for being with someone unwilling to work on themselves. She fits every point of this video but is simply incapable of self reflection.
I feel this, they're incredibly difficult to be with. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who takes zero accountability for their own behavior. I put up with my DA's behavior like this for years, anything and everything I say and feel is 100% wrong, and he is always 100% right, he would never consider my side not for one second. It's better that if they never learn that we have our peace again. Sometimes a hard "no" or breaking contact is the only way.
Just move forward and do the work on yourself. You don't need to apologise to someone for their own issues. As the weeks go by they will fade away.
I’m working on reconnecting with my DA ex. What I’ve learned is you have to give them lots of no contact, more than 30 days… then when you reconnect talk of getting back is the last thing you want to do! I’m in week 4 of slowly connecting. Every week we get closer and closer. You just have to be your best self, secure, and do not bring up wanting to get back. If you show your best self they will naturally be reattracted to you.
@@amandaevans1071I wish you the best but aren’t you afraid that as soon as you get closer it’ll activate their DA attachment wound and pull away again and start the toxic cycle all over again, negating all the hard work you put in to make yourself more secure?
@@joeflores174 No because 1. I’m trying to not create a self fulfilling prophecy by creating a future of unknown, taking it one day at a time. 2. I truly believe my secure behavior (not being anxious and needy) will create a safer environment for him to be secure, which I’m already seeing over the last month of reconnecting. Time is on my side but I have to be patient. Healing my attachment side also gives me the mindset that whatever happens I will be ok, that my life will not end if it’s over for good. We were together for 1.5 years and had 80% a great relationship. My insecure attachment and suffocation was just too much to take in the end for him. I’m basically creating a new relationship… the old one is dead- I don’t want it back. I’m doing the therapy and work on my self and amazingly enough he is starting to also be more secure. Even today when I texted him he messaged back and said “hey, been on the phone with my dad and just walking into work. I don’t want you to think Im ignoring you. I’ll call when I’m finished” which blew my mind as he never behaved like that before. I would have anxiously questioned why he wasn’t texting, then sent a million texts most likely ending in a bitter “wtf, just don’t bother texting me again!” (Haha my protest behavior) Im taking on the when he pulls back, I pull back attitude and wait for him to text me first 75% of the time. I’ve noticed he can’t go more than 1-2 days now to message. A month ago it was about 5-7 days. It’s gradually getting more frequent and he’s started to make plans with me. I’m not rushing it, I’m not setting expectations, and I’m definitely not asking to get back. If he is dating then I’m back to where I would be with anyone in the dating world so I have to have confidence that the others will slowly be weeded out as long as I shine and remain as a happy, safe, noncontrolling figure in his life. A bit of flirting and kissing has taken place the last week so it’s going in the right direction :) Its a slow process with a DA, too much pressure and he will run. If Im secure, he will lean secure as well. I think a lot of people on here that demonize a DA just didn’t work on themselves or they didn’t have a solid relationship to begin with. I am holding my boundaries with my needs as well, if I feel anxious instead of acting on those thoughts I politely bring up what’s bothering me and we discuss. End of the day I’ll either get him back or I’ll be so secure that I won’t care if he comes back. It’s a win win ;)
… so so hard on the receiving end … THANK YOU for explaining 🙏🏼 they might be more sensitive to criticism but their behavior is beyond hurtful not communicating and stonewalling r just so triggering
Agree! They very much have the capacity to drive even a securely attached person to become anxious. An unaware DA makes a terrible partner.
Agree! 💯
@@winnieamar9368even aware ones do if they haven't healed enough. They are self-aware which actually makes the spiraling worse because they shut down out of guilt too
My cat was chilling on my lap watching this intently. I think you got her approval 🥰
I had a DA encounter long ago.
Its not about the DA, or the FA. Its about how close you are to being an emotionally secured person. Take their behavior as cues to understand where you stand _ enmeshed stage? Sometimes entangle stage? Observer stage? Sage stage?
Then depending how much energy or intention you have to invest in those disbalanced equations, you stay or leave.
Drastically reducing, pref eliminating your urge for the other to change.
Peace is the goal.
The part where she says "unconditional support and understanding" is the secret sauce. They show up magnificently once they find comfort in you. They will never express it in words, but their actions will tell you when you're in their inner circle.
Yeah, but that's where she lost me. Unconditional love, support and understanding, that's what your parents should give you and that's the only relationship that should be unconditional. A relationship between adults should always be based on some conditions, defined by both partners. Mutual respect, reciprocity, fidelity etc. DAs often consider themselves wanting or unable to support, care for or look after their partners - they feel that they are ill equipped to relate to their partners in an adult way, which is why there are so many stories of them leaving a relationship when things get difficult. At the same time, they do want to be supported, understood, cared for (just not too much) without having to articulate their needs, much like a child. So what avoidants need to learn is that the perfect partner they envision cannot take on the responsibilities of a parent, they need to give back and invest the same amount of energy. Not all the time, sometimes one partner requires more support or more care. But taking without giving and expecting this to be unconditional, that's the fantasy of a neglected child.
I cannot say anything that will take away your frustrations. But from reading your comments, I can tell that there is a spiritual journey ahead of you, if only you'd allow yourself to lean into it with courage and a sense of adventure.
That's nice and all, we all want unconditional love and support but when she said that I got turned off by that comment because avoidants expect unconditional love as a given but they refuse to give unconditional love and support to me from their side. As others have said adult relationships aren't realistically built on "unconditional" love.
Yeah that doesn't work for me.. They discombulate you so much it's not worth it. Peace of mind is priceless...
Absolutely, being unconditionally supportive and understanding is not for everyone. If you've found other ways that work for your relationships, that's great!
Some DA's are highly aware of their behaviors and are choosing to continue behaving accordingly, in the name of that's just how I am (I cannot help it 😔). I believe that is so for other insecure styles as well, in which they believe it's just the way I am.
The part that is most of all sad is when these individuals refuse to embrace that there is a healthier way to do relationships with your children, and long term committed partners, in which if done in a healthy way all will benefit instead of anyone sacrificing themselves.
Has a person who’s was extremely DA, and is now mostly secure still DA. It wasn’t until I understood what a DA was that was I was doing was unhealthy. Common sense isnt so common. Many behaviors I did I thought was normal but emotionally hurt my partners but I thought that was one flirting and two how relationships were, my “truth” of how relationships should be was not healthy but it was my “truth” though I literally did not know better. Once I learned about attachment I realized a lot of ways my actions hurt those who I thought were like me not easily phased.
Cool. Until recently I was fascinated with DAs and very attracted to them, couldn't see their flaws and when hearing about those flaws, thought it was adorable. Now, it's changing and I can no longer accept that a person can be so harsh and critical to others and think that taking others into consideration is "walking on eggshells" but can't take criticism themselves and expects others to adjust to their behavior, often gaslight others for being "overly sensitive".
All attachments styles have their flaws, I just refused to notice them in DAs but now they annoy me a lot and I don't want to put up with that anymore, so... progress?
DAs may be the most misunderstood. Bottom line: on their own is their safety lane.
All these behaviors are strategies to get back into their lane, whenever the going is sketchy.
Sure they're excuses, they can be received as manipulation, it's all kinda weak sauce, but it's their wounding and handicap --- they're so different from narcissists and actively manipulative types.
And without Thais's help I don't think I'd have understood, I'd just have kept getting irate; but yeah as with everyone else, they'll remind of us our need to 'meet our needs' and have a balanced life.
As a DA, I appreciate your perspective. You hit the nail on the head.
Former DA here and I'd like to speak on behalf of all DAs on how deeply painful it is for us to be misunderstood a lot of the times. So I wanted to say thank you for your understanding and open-mindedness. We appreciate it so much! 🌹
@@en6721you're misunderstood because you don't fkn COMMUNICATE!
@@Alixir1228 The way you communicate with me seems like you've been hurt by someone, but we've all been hurt at some point. It's our sole responsibility to heal ourselves and be mindful to not take out our pain onto others. May you find healing. 🤍
A DA will turn you into a DA 😐🙇♀️
I have a DA ex that I love and respect very much. I honestly believe had I done the work on understanding him sooner we would still be together. Because he showed up for our relationship having done a lot of work, but my insecurities because of Covid shut down and some surgeries led me to be less understanding, and because he had gone above and beyond, trusting me and being vulnerable, just couldn’t be sustainable, having gone through what we did. Even if we aren’t together I feel like I am healing learning about his attachment style, as well as my own, and coming to an understanding of his needs, and my needs. Our paths may or may not cross again, but this helps me support other people in my life too, like my kids.
I have a good friend who's FA. He's truly doing his best to heal from it and it's really beautiful to see the evolution. Sometimes I do see regression but that's ok. It's a learning process. I try to give some insight but always let him learn for himself and just be there for him. Because that is what he has missed from his prominent caretaker 'To be there for them when they want to explore the world and even if they make mistakes'. It's a difficult task the closer you stand besides them but it's not an one-sided traject. I too have learnt a lot from my great friend e.g. why do I react in some way? I'm happy I've met him even when it's difficult sometimes :)
Timely video, again! I swear Thais has the ability to know when we're going through it & need a video on it.
My DA has been stonewalling me for the past few weeks after I wrongly criticized her because of an unmet need that I wasn't getting (learned that through Thais videos) and I've apologized, taken accountability and seeking to reconnect. She's been acting distant still & I feel she's showing all 5 of these protest behaviors. I'ma just give her her space and work on myself
Such a great video. I do wonder though if a fully unaware DA would take that last part you said and use it as an excuse to justify further pushing someone away. That instead of working through their own traumas, taking it as evidence of why the relationship isn't right.
Wouldn't that be every attachment though? If someone's unaware of their flawed thinking, they will take everything that is triggering and make it their partner's fault (much like the comment section) and say to themselves that if they had a better partner, they wouldn't need to push someone away.
@@Mississippian I would think so. I was just commenting within the context of this video.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool There is an observation regarding "Finding Flaws" that I'm interested to learn if you actually agree: not only flaw finding applies as you described, but at the same time everything which was once good and substancial is belittled and devalued. Is that a thing?
i think for my ex, he turned my green flags into dealbreakers. he said we were not compatible, then listed things we agreed on together as partners. is this similar to your situation?
Please do a video on how the avoidant can make an apology and repair
They first must know and believe they have a problem that needs to be addressed and fixed.
Wow. This video just explained so much
Just had another pointer.....
DA's can slip into negative sentiment override or enter relationships in that condition. The unspoken needs, and perceived wrongs, and resentment can cause them to strongly see you as their enemy. It's vicious when that happens, and hard to stop that cycle with so many blind spots, and other cycles occurring too, without a willingness from them to accept other's influence.....
ua-cam.com/video/gTquJnaMmu8/v-deo.html
Thank you so much for sharing this very valuable information with us. You're a blessing.
Thank you for such a sweet comment Linda :)
If your intuition is screaming at you listen to it and get out of that dynamic. It serves no one or only to highlight what you were doing in attracting these Cul De Sacs.. into your life.
If someone dumps/disappears on someone when they need them the most are they DA or a narc?
I think there’s overlapping situations between dismissive/add/narc I would think most people are just responding to trauma not necessarily with the intent to harm (narc/psycho)
In my case, my ex who did this was DA, not a narc. Thais has a video from a few months ago talking about the difference between DA and narcissism. Super useful
@@lilymulligan8180 the guy dumped my best friend when she got pregnant for him, but he been mentioning many times how he wanted her pregnant, and he also dumped her on her birthday! 2 didf times! 2 years in a row, pretty much around the same momth
@@vtchevalier the guy dumped my best friend when she got pregnant for him, but he been mentioning many times how he wanted her pregnant, and he also dumped her on her birthday! 2 diff times! 2 years in a row pretty much around the same month!
@@imm0rtalitypassi0n that is super duper confusing!
Those protest behaviors would make you feel insure and will make you anxious. People who are hyper vigilant can easily pay attention to the signs and react. Which pushes the DA away…
Thank you.
Do DAs turn their kids into DAs? Mine is very involved with his, but that’s really the extent of what I know, so I wonder if they’re ok. They’re not my children.
So is this a narcissistic trait?
Walk away from a DA
Watch it lady, that's my dad you're talking about :D It's so frustrating. I ask him to please, please talk in a grown up full sentence of what you want... but no, I'd be going about my life, then I would call him and I would receive some short comment out of left field, then pretends that nothing was said.
Well to be fair if you ask anyone to do or say something in a "grown up full sentence" they will probably feel patronised and belittled and will be less likely to respond in a positive or productive manner. We all get frustrated or angry with our partner's behaviour but it's important to be respectful even during a conflict.
@@roberttruman8444 Throughout 33 years, we tried all kinds of sentences...
@@Joe-jc5ol Hmmmm it sounds then like you have but two options
1. You accept that it is just how he is and can't change
2. End the relationship
Depending of course on how much of a problem it is for you. If you keep taking issue with something and keep trying to change it without any success, then surely it must make it difficult for you to remain interested and attracted by them?
@@roberttruman8444 He''s talking about his DAD.