Speaking as a former dismissive avoidant who now has earned secure attachment: if a DA is not working on their relationship and attachment skills *of their own initiative*, they will persist in DA patterns and your needs will go unmet. As a DA, I decided it was MY responsibility to do the healing work before even considering another relationship. Any partner worth having deserves the best version of me that I can offer, and that means not dismissing or devaluing the needs of the other. DAs: it’s a scary journey to secure attachment. We have to perform what feel like wild feats of vulnerability to learn to trust safely. The result is worth it. Not having to look over our shoulders all the time, not expecting an attack, not having to plan an escape…that’s real freedom.
@@estellesstories7467 much respect to you for wanting to be the "best version" of yourself, not only for your partner I have to believe your self worth and self esteem have grown too. Give yourself a round of applause 👏 much deserved!
I felt that my DA only spoke about how “they” were affected by the break-up without acknowledging how they pushed me away. Focusing on my anger and speaking up for myself turned to “you hurt my feelings and it felt like an attack.” How does one talk to somekne and set boundaries when everything I say was an “attack” on their ego? Exhausting. I broke it off. I deeerve to be happy with an emotionally available person.
Yeah, let's talk about needs. The non avoidant partner has a need for a stable life and relationship. Not be chasing an avoidant partner, tip toeing around their every trigger, wondering if they are going to leave again. It's unhealthy for people to be in relationships with avoidant people. It's unhealthy for someone to have to learn all these rules and guidelines in order to have a "normal" relationship with someone. Avoidant people need to take ownership of their issues and work on them. That is the solution here, not 101 guidelines on how to live with an avoidant.
@SomeTechGuy666 if they are willing to do the work, do the work, and make it their goal to be secure, then they are worth investing in (if the connection has already been established). Unhealed and unaware, absolutely agree with you
Wow, I honestly thought that I was the only person that was being treated and a way that shifted the dynamic so much that I did start walking on eggshells, I did start trying to foresee what was going to make her blow up and steer everything away from that even though it could be anything it could just be any stupid thing. 😅 I remember going to a self checkout and she literally stood there and told me how to put everything in the bag it ended in a huge fight with our telling me that I wasn't putting the items in the bag properly and so I would take them out which would cause an error and an assistant would have to come over and clear the air this probably happened six or seven times while we're trying to check out. I have been through a lot in life, I felt like that experience put me through some really unnecessary BS and the fact I'm bringing it up right now months later lets me know I've let this go on way too long. .
I think the big thing for me is learning how to engage with such a person without being thrown into anxiety, without losing myself. I think if I can master that, then whether they stay or go or give mixed signals it shouldn't really affect me and I'll keep living my life regardless of their own confused state.
step 1 - leave avoidant step 2 - become more secure. Recommend Dr Maika Steinborn's related videos for the anxiously attached + if you are more spiritual, Aaron Doughty's. If you are a younger woman, the Glowup Secrets Podcast. They all talk about letting go, revaluing ourselves and becoming more aware of our own worth.
@alexleung842 I tried giving my all with this strategy. Even tho I studied psychology, got a masters in clinical mental health (SW)..was a self development junkie..I STILL couldn't let this stuff not affect me. 🙃
Yeah I’m literally thinking like, I need to emotionally detach from having a connection with this man to save our relationship, then slowly, taking care of my own self and my needs and still being unattached from him, inform him and talk out with him what I saw he struggles with, not in or about the relationship dynamic, but instead in his own life, which also happens to affect how we do things. If he cares to research and talk about it, then great, then he can continue to prove he is interested in having a relationship with me once he has worked out those kinks and I slowly share the things that were affecting me and he can actually answer them now, and eventually we’ll get to the postion where he’s earned my trust by his commitment and changing, making me feel emotionally loving or safe with him again and knowing eventually it’s good and fixed to try stuff out with him, and then maybe we’ll see. Side steps his triggers, while I take care of my own *on my own.* which i don’t have cuz I’m letting him go and letting him know I’m letting him take his time to process his emotions and give him space and ultimately allows me to help him without overwhelming him and just look to the horizon for how he acts, not the waves. Don’t work around his schedule, he has to make himself fit into mine if he wants me. (I watched like 2 videos, and a lot of research over my own years personally, that really gave me this idea lmao.) i wrote a whole detailed plan and explanation of how it would go too. We’llllll… see. Right now I’m trying to disconnect and send the right message for him to know what I mean. Can’t decide if I should clue him in on my plan so he doesn’t suffer or leave it, since he didn’t even respond to me telling him I’m gonna give him space in the first place. Kinda getting screwed by him not responding because tbh I can’t tell his opinion on where he’ll go with this aka how he feels about me and me doing it now, and why he won’t respond, but I guess that’s the point of disconnecting. We’ll see! Just gotta focus on me and fostering things in my life instead and rereading why I think that. 🙏
Avoidant ex probably isn't coming back for me. I lashed out on them with full intentions of getting blocked by them and they followed through with that. Haven't heard from them for months. I was initially devastated, although everything that transpired has brought me back to my self healing journey. I found out that I may have C-PTSD, which explains some of my overgiving to those that aren't actually available emotionally and then eventually lashing out at them when my needs/desires aren't reciprocated. I hope everyone finds their peace within. I love you all and please be safe 💙
Same with me. Tragic! God bless you all and hope you all heal in time and find a partner that won't abandon you from the beginning to the end of the relationship. The only problem is that there will always be "What if's" with these people
Months are nothing. The DA love of my life texted me and unlocked me everywhere after two years of complete silence. The first day I got back to her country (we supposed to leave together, but she cancelled wedding and relocation), we decided to meet, casually with no looking at the past (her condition). Yesterday we spent three hours walking and hugging - and now she’s sending mixed signals. I promised myself I won’t do this again, but she’s simply the best girl in the universe… I got a situational girlfriend, also DA, she’s in a committed relationships (long-distance). It’s sooo complicated I don’t even know if I’m glad she’s back (of course I am)
Then as soon as they get feelings back and people are stupid enough to take them back, then get ready for the exact same cycle. The fears come back and boom!!! Gone again. Not worth it. Save yourself.
Never look back. Avoidants are incapable of love. If you are anxious-leaning, they will destroy your self-worth. Please choose *your own happiness* (and kick avoidants to the curb for good) 🙏🏻
They're not incapable, they prefer to deal with someone distant who beats them to the push pull because that's all they've known and that's what activated their system. On a long enough run they still end up single. Look into the book Attached, I've listened to the audio book 7 times and it's annoying to know that an avoidant can pull a secure into their anxiety.
Work on your anxious attachment. Its not healthy either. That's what I'm doing. Our lovely DAs are mirroring us. They are a few steps ahead of us anxious folk i think.
Its true what you say, i was just thinking the same thing. When we are around anxious people it makes us feel nervous and maybe confirms our fears. So we also need to learn to be less anxious as that also causes issues in a relationship @nicholeb2746
That is the easy way out. Im not a person giving up, yes i was hurt a lot. But im still standing knowing all the stuff i know now because of it. I can do better for me and maybe i can fix her up if....time will tell if im allowed again.
Oh gosh. Just listening to this wears me out. We were friends for 2 yrs, then we started dating. Our bond grew stronger and he told me how much in love with me he was. We made promises and plans together. Then out of the blue he breaks up with me saying he doesn't want a relationship with me now or ever! My heart is completely broken and I know it's going to take a long time for me to recover. I'm sure he isn't even thinking about me. He cut all ties and communication & unfriended me on Facebook !! If he does happen to come back to make amends, I will accept it. But I will NOT reunite with him unless we get some serious therapy together to deal with his past trauma and shame. Even then I'm don't think I'll ever trust him again. 😢
My dismissive avoidant ex had trouble communicating when things were bothering her, flat out told me that she couldn't be vulnerable with people, was a really good person but could be very judgemental over small, insignificant things and towards the end of our relationship she completely focused on my flaws and tiny imperfections.
16 years of dealing with a DA. Couldn’t do it any longer. 😞. Would constantly make promises and then break them or never follow through. Walked all over my boundaries!
There is 0 point in reconnecting romantically with an avoidant - the minute you get closer again they will leave again :) if they come back, keep them strictly in the friendzone if possible bc they are incapable of intimacy. Avoidants are not dateable. The convo about needs will not happen - they are largely incapable of this. Avoidants come back for a dopamine hit - that's it.
Very cool video A month ago, I ended a five-year relationship. My soulmate made the decision to walk away from me, and even though I've done everything in my power to get him back, I can't help but feel disappointed because I can't see my life with anyone else. I want to say that I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I simply can't. I miss him so much and I don't know why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
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As an avoidant I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do when I address and communicate my fears openly and then the person still does things they know will trigger me… I don’t have any choice but to shut down and push you away, I’m not sticking around for the continued disregard for my feelings.
That person doesn’t leave you with a choice. Even if you weren’t an avoidant. Some people don’t listen or don’t care. That’s the truth. Better move on. Often avoidants don’t want to share. They just run. If you are brave and share, a person who cares will show compassion.
My ex DA did the same thing to me. I shared a trigger (existent due to his own past behaviours, ghosting and the silent treatment) and he used it against me 2 weeks later. He tried to blame me and project onto me for having such a trigger. That didn't stop him from ghosting or giving the silent treatment afterwards ofc. I guess that type of behaviour is mostly due to a lack of emotional maturity and intelligence. I agree with what the last poster mentioned. If you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and they still treat you like this, they've got quite a lot of work ahead of themselves.
@@_anon_4532 stating your fears is good, but also make clear how you want your partner to handle that fear. If they do something that triggers it, address the action they did that triggered it. Come up with a solution together for a different approach. You will have to remind them a couple of times, people arent perfect and won't change behavior overnight. If you see they are trying but slip up, that's positive as they are putting in effort. Also set some type of time limit, if no improvement at all has been made over, let's say 3 months, review the relationship.
As always, avoid avoidants. Whatever you think they've got, even if they have got it, you won't be getting it. These people are emotional vampires, and not worth your time and effort.
But then on another channel from a supposed expert he says that an avoidant will never reach out because they will never allow themselves to be that vulnerable as to risk rejection. So unless you reach out to them, you will never hear from them again
I believe that... I am FA (fearful av) and it's really hard for me to initiate regardless how deep I may feel, and my current experience wtih a strong DA I know I'm going to have to initiate, he's even more avoidant than me and I know it ain't gonna happen if I just wait around
Mine did, several times. Other than his ex wife 7 years ago he’s never had any other long term relationships. They have to really love and be in love with you.
@@fluffythebluepersian4888 my fearful avoidant reached out to me 3 weeks ago, I didn't reply and now she deleted me, so yes, fearful avoidants are more likely to reach out, unfortunately, I didn't know about attachment styles when she reached out, so it may as wel be too late now for both of us to reconnect, I can only imagine how she must have felt when I ignored all her messages :(
@@xclusive11413 exactly, when they have strongs feelings for you, they do reach out, they won't apologize or go too vulnerable, but they will reach out in a subtle way just because of how much you mean to them.
My avoidant killed me. I am killed. Stabbed in the heart. I upset them, and he blasted away. Naturally, he had nothing to do with anything, and everything is my fault.
@meh3722 in my case, I admired my ex because she was very stoic. Nothing seemed to phase her. Example, a year into our relationship, I asked to meet her family. She said “sorry I don’t want to introduce my significant other to my family until we’ve dated at least two years” So I respected it. Fast forward to 3 years into our relationship. Still didn’t meet her family and the excuses were: “My family isn’t like yours” “My family is going through a lot right now” “I don’t care what my family thinks of my relationship” “We work opposite schedules” I always reassured her “I will make time” At first, I thought her standards were high. To which I was honored to be a part of her life. As time passed, I realized there was always an excuse. One after another. I softened my expectations of her to make sure she was happy. However, her expectations of me rose to an unrealistic high. She was waiting for the “perfect time” and for things to “feel right” In reality, the perfect partner doesn’t exist. It’s always a work in progress and she failed to realize that. I landed my dream job but it came with hurdles. When I vented about those hurdles, she gave no reassurance. A week later, she pulled the rug from underneath my feet because she wasn’t emotionally available enough to support me through a low period. A month after the breakup, I got a promotion, I prospered, and I made it out on top. But she didn’t want to be there to support whole things weren’t so great. Point is, people can pretend to have high standards and be extra critical to mask their emotional unavailability. Avoidants are always trying to find the right person but never build introspect and try to BE the right person
@@meh3722A “high value” trait is emotional unavailability. Something a lot of genuine losers think is cool and artificially boosts their ego and image.
The very term "high value," just like the concept it refers to, is toxic, just like women referring to themselves in relationships in terms of qUeEn. You've been consuming too much dating guru crap.
This sounds like me! I think I found the reason why I m operating like this when I start to develop real feelings/ connection with another person next step to heal from the to become securely attached. thank you!
As always thanks for the content but one thing I never thought of and wasnt sure how to navigate is how would you tell an avoidant (in my case FA) to not worry about a problem that is realistically small but their paranoia gets the best of them without seeming like Im dismissing their feelings. I have been at a standstill with this and I really want to help them know when sometimes isnt realistically a threat without seeming annoyed.
Like chapters of a book it’s scary accurate. He said he was still in love with me when he came back saying he missed me one year later. I saw he still couldn’t cope with life, no therapist, drinking a bit too much so I ended it. No more. I immediately went back to the man I’d been dating for the last year and felt so foolish hoping he’d grown so much more than he had. I appreciate my partner soo much more now after dealing with an avoidant. The sad part is we were in love and always will love each other.
Is there anyone here that is on the other side of the breakup or detachment from their avoidant partner? I would really like a few details on how you do that without feeling so sorry for them that they keep themselves so blind to what the two of you could have and realize that you are not letting go of that person but letting yourself go on to a healthier you.
She broke up with me 3 months ago, no reason. I've gone no contact, totally. She just messaged me out of the blue and started to try to talk to me. I'm so confused emotionally. Caught between my head and my heart. What do I do? She's already done it to me twice
Is this why avoidant's seem to do better in a relationship with a toxic partner or with a partner that is also emotionally unavailable? Meaning the attachment fears won't be triggered. My FA was in a 12 year relationship prior to us. She talked about how unfulfilling that was and how amazing I was. We made it 7 months before the discard after the slow fade.
That’s exactly what it is. Emotionally unavailable partners (DA or even NPD) do not trigger their fears as much as Anxious/Secure partners. Check Coach Ryan who is very good at unpacking those things. All the best,
As an FA, I've had enough experiences in my dating history to identify my own internal sense of whether I will want to "go back" or not. If the relationship between both parties became super toxic/abusive/damaging or I felt I "lost interest" naturally over time and we drifted apart, I usually felt it was done after a breakup and would not go back. However, if I broke up due to my internal fears growing too great (this is usually all internally-based, and the other person doesn't really change the outcome), the lead-up to the breakup would be me becoming incredibly triggered, fearful, hypervigilant, afraid, doubting, etc. as I got closer to the new person intimacy-wise. The fear reactions would become unbearable or manifest physically, and I would eventually shut down completely or run away to make the fear stop. This would involve a break-up and my mind would justify it as, "Well, if it is this stressful for you, it's for the best/something was clearly wrong/they were the wrong person.". But I would feel torn because I simultaneously did NOT want to go and NEEDED to go at the same time. THIS conflictedness above is a clue for me that I might try to reapproach someone. Sometimes I was correct and I was noticing something bad, but many other times I would have some time away, calm down, and then it would hit me 4-6 weeks later and I was devastated, as if I had been broken up with. I'd fantasize about running into them, seeing them again, wishing they would come back (maybe THEY could figure out why I shut down!), etc. I'd be heartbroken for months over this even though I initiated it. When I was younger and less familiar with this pattern, there were many times I DID approach the ex, but even if we reconnected, I'd just shut down again after a while, repeating the same pattern. Now that I'm older, I still run away almost every time, but I never return, even if I desperately want to, because it is so unfair to the other person. It's a very weird place to be in. With some exes/connections I run away from, I still sometimes think of them in this vague way, wishing they would come back, as if THEY chose to dump ME, but I was the one who ran.
As a fellow FA, this is so accurate. I too have grown and matured a little, but the pattern is still there and it is so difficult and uncomfortable to push through it
@@fluffythebluepersian4888 I think what a lot of people are missing with FAs and how to treat us in therapy is that not only do we have patterned maladaptive coping strategies in relationships that cause dysfunction, but I think we have the additional aspect of severe trauma responses that continue to manifest physically in the presence of a relationship, not unlike PTSD. Relationships are the trigger so we have a much more physicalized, out of our control body response than the other types due to our nervous systems. The only time I have ever been able to stay in a relationship ling-term was on SSRIs. I still had the maladaptive attachment behavior issues, but the extreme physical illness and shutdown from the fight or flight was turned off.
@@Sidera17 those maladaptive uncontrollable physical patterns, I know exactly what you're talking about. When I go into that triggered mode that almost "fight or flight" feeling to shut down I get, like before even sending a text or a phone call with the person I'm trying to be intimate with
I was left super confused. We had a beautiful connection, he was the best few dates I've ever had. The connection was WOW over a few weeks. He asked me to be in a serious relationship with him, said the feelings he had for me felt good but terrified him several times, then out of nowhere he said he was unwell and had to focus on himself. There was no breakup, just disappeared into oblivion. I'm still confused in all honesty... hence im watching these videos 😂😂
Your comment was 3 months ago I hope you found forgiveness. True forgiveness is releasing this person from the debt they owe you an apology. Understand maybe they have issues and they need to work on that themselves. The apology may never come but you choose to find true forgiveness because holding grudges root you from inside out
@adrenalinemadness3340 no, I haven't and I won't. I understand, but I do Not have to forgive or clear his debt. Perhaps you've never given another enough to understand.
Only one question here-WHY WOULD ONE WANT AN AVOIDANT TO COME BACK?? If someone got unlucky to get into some kind of relationship with this type and then actually got information and realize what kind of people avoidants are, then the only thing an emotionally healthy person should think about is to learn a lesson, block the weirdo and never look back‼And then later appreciate normal people more.
Na, they will find someone straight away or find someone even before they leave the one they have been with… they don’t need to come back coz there is always someone new to be with….
My Ex broke up with me two days ago... We took a 5 week break in june this year and after that he was so much more affectionate than ever before and told me he realized he couldn't live without me... I had a hard time reconnecting with him but eventually gave in and allowed myself to feel my feelings for him fully.... we had some small arguments because I tried to rely on him emotionally and he got defensive... on saturday he told my he loves me but not enough for a relationship and i feel so defeated... I accepted him breaking up but told him he could message me if he realizes that he misses me... i know i lost the love of my life, we had such a special bond and vibe, i doubt i will ever find sth like that again... is there hope? Does a break count as a full breakup in the mind of a DA? He said he didnt feel as if it was a real breakup, but i did.... Do you think he will come back??
I feel the same way as you. I said the same thing to my love. We are married. And live apart long distance. I lost the love of my life and I’m married to her. And wonder everyday if she will come back.
And when you confront them they cry or say sorry ir even guilt trip you or act like we dont know.how they feel,wven though they are the ones who blindsided you and hurt you
I have broke up with my ex avoidant almost 5 mois,and i think it's my fault because of an argument ,so after 3 days of argument i told him its my fault and he dont want to talk to me ,so i let him alone but i dont know what i should do because i love him so much so i dont know if i have to try again and talk to him or i move on, although its very tough for me to let him for ever 😢😢
Don’t be so hard on yourself. While he’s away work on yourself. Please don’t put your life on hold. You apologized. I’m sure he’s not 100% innocent either. You did what you could to fix the problem. Good for you. Walk away knowing you did the best you knew how. 🙏🏼❤️🩹
Yeah he isn't coming back... it's a week off being 3 months since NC started. He was so convincing at the start of our relationship, saying how emotionally intune he is with himself, how he's secure within himself etc. If he were to come back, I wouldn't believe a single word he says. Not even actions, because he fooled me for 12months. That's too long of a deadline. He's gone. That's it. Another lesson learnt.
I like this strategy. One thing I would change is that I wouldn't make contact with the other person at all and let the other person reach out first. This way it's their idea and I know they're ready. That said, I only do this if the person left ME in the relationship. I've had a handful of women reach out after a breakup changing their minds about things, typically after a few months. Depending on where I'm at (I've usually started seeing other women in the meantime), I would be open to working things out. There's only been one case where it was successful and we got back together, but I still stand by this strategy because you never know where the person is at UNLESS they reach out first.
@@GalaxySamsung9090Galaxy I'm talking about the dating stage or after the relationship is over, not while you're in the relationship. You're talking apples and oranges my guy.
My avoidant ex stood at my door to drop some of my things off (our toxic way to start talking again) but I didn’t answer the door. When she left I texted “thanks” does that count as breaking no contact lol I know the strict rules of no contact but I was super happy I got my jersey back so I thought I’d say thanks but that was it! Nothing before and nothing since
I'm not saying exactly what it means or the perfect thing to do, but I will share what helped. How does this texting behaviour make you feel? Do you feel in control of it? Have you asked him what it means? (e.g. "I can see that we've been in contact regularly for this amount of time, and I enjoy talking to you, etc. These are my intentions/boundaries/wants/needs, I want to know how you feel or where you see this going." Soemthing like that. Personally, when I was honest with myself, I knew that they were leading me on and had no intentions of making it more serious, but the constant connection was enough for me to feel wanted. The lack of direction eventually made me feel fear, and when it didn't go further I felt abandoned and unwanted. Essentially, I was abandoning myself and becoming boundaryless for this person to want me. They just weren't worth my time, in the end.
But what if you were the only one dating that person was just along for the ride I now look back on my " unquote relationship and I was the only one dating she didn't date me or court me I feel kind of used now but I understand that this is also my fault I'm not blaming her for everything I should have seen things for what they were sooner. I just didn't want to give up because I thought that maybe she was in the process of understanding herself more with me cuz I was giving room and patience and understanding.
Never take anyone back if they went with someone else. This should be an absolute line in the sand, because you are subjegating yourself to that person by unspokenly agreeing to them "seeing if someone was better than you" then coming back to you when it didn't work out. Respect yourself, or nobody else will.
Negative negative negative thats most of what is here. Does anyone listen to learn? Or come here just to make statements opposite to the person who actually has experience?
How do we do this no contact dance with an avoidant wife and after having two kids with her. I tried limited no contact. She felt happier not to have me around but having to pay all the bills living somewhere else
Does this mean i have to make a reach out to the avoidant, now we're in 4 months no contact? Her secretary messaging asking my status. Do you think its an indirectly reaching out?
This does NOT mean you have to reach out, at all. This is the typical timeline an avoidant *might* reach back out. Keep working on yourself and live like they are never coming back. It's the best thing you can do for yourself
Their SECRETARY messaged you?! Are you joking? That just shows that they still can't handle real life. Getting an employee to reach out for them is probably the most immature thing I've ever heard! I'm so sorry.
My DA ex and I had a horrible break up and since then we have argued several times, and we are completely broken up for a good bc he can't even be civil or have a closure conversation about the relationship ,but he still follows me on Instagram despite refusing to talk to me and I just think it's like weird (because I'm the only person he follows that doesn't follow him back) and I'm wondering if he's trying to keep a connection open to come back.
@@ingeclaeys3761I agree with you. @omgcarsonnn .. In the meantime, focus on yourself and find someone who will treat you with the love and attention you desire. It is futile to edit around on a DA
It's been about 9 weeks since the sudden cut off of contact.....therd has been no contact from her but when the event happened I sent flowers 2 days afterwards. I sent flowers when I found out her beloved cat died about 3 weeks after.... We currently live in different countries, me in the U S and her in Scotland. I was planning on moving to Scotland this spring but got mixed messages from her all winter after spending 4 months in Scogland with her. She has CPTSD and Fibromyalgia and suffers from the aftereffects of a horrific childhood of violence and alcohol fueled mayhem. I wasn't fully aware of her disorder while in Scogland and was in confusion about what to do and how to react. I love this woman and know her soul and realize that what she acts out is the survival effects of her own childhood. I am hopeful she will re- establish contact because nowadays least, I have an idea that's going on.
Who thinks its healthy to wait? If ypu really believe she is the one and needs time to heal.... i rrqlly dont wanna start dating when i know she watching my stories after a whole year and for the duration of that year each and every day... why she keeping tabs on me if we're not supposed to be together? 😅
It’s 15 months for me and we never stopped communicating but he would never meet me .. he finally asked to see me a month ago we met it was great .. but I learned to be not anxious .. it was his birthday this week and I told him I want to take him for dinner next week he said yes.. I’m giving him what he wants I’m going slowwwww
Is it possible a male DAs relationship trauma is so bad they can have a block and can’t relate but only had business and same sex surface level friendship bonds. When a new relationship with a females starts to get personal suddenly they can’t interpret steps of relationship progression and freeze and feel misunderstood as well the DA freezes and can’t reciprocate or respond because their brain can’t make sense of the interaction and freeze for fear of saying something where they might be made fun of. To me it does feel two steps forward one step back. They will share I will go with it they will not respond as if they don’t understand the interaction. I’m the past they have said texts have been hard to understand and saying they don’t have time but since this video I wonder if they is a mental block to deeper stages of bonding and DA can’t respond and it comes off as aloof and uninterested. If trauma is so bad I can imagine one can shut down pretty far. Business is comfortable, certain friendships are okay too but suddenly when the traumatized brain senses a shift to bonding it shuts down. 😢
My gf for 4 years left me a month later she dating a new guy. She says she's really happy and in peace now.she doesn’t care about me anymore. She blocked me. How do you move on from a 4 year relationship that fast? She's now getting high, she thinks this man is perfect he's Dominican too I know he giving her drugs and her new friends too. I'm worried about her because she's a good girl. But she changed a lot. I work out im in last year of college plus I work for a business company I go to church. everyone is telling me she will regret it but time will tell I guess..even her own dad. I pray for her to be safe & be happy. I messed up before in the past but I changed to be a better man for her. I got karma maybe I deserve it.. but it broke my heart she found someone already.. a good friend of mine told me “ she believes you’re not the one for her when you are in your bad moments. So she doesn’t deserve you at your best.” how do you feel about this?
5 years🥳whohoo!!! Quastion : Can dismisive avoidant be triggered to change to fearful to start chaise other avoidant ( fearfull) who for 2 years was chaser and worked to finally make dismissive to love them and attached to them? Is posible to trigger dismissive to be chaser now after stopping now care and act avoidant ?
Is there a way to determine when it makes sense to try reaching out in order to reconnect or if you should let them be the one to reach out? I had tried sending a light text and got no response from my DA at around the 6 wk mark so I took that to mean they didn't want to reconnect but after about 3 mos they suddenly started watching my stories again. This has been going on for the past 4 mos every 2-3x I post but they never react or comment so I don't know how to interpret this because it's so indirect. I don't know whether I should try again to contact them or ignore it until they reach out more directly. Have continued dating others and focusing on myself in the meantime but would be open to exploring things with them again.
I keep asking this and never seem to get a real rational answer. What if I cannot go no contact because we work together? And can attraction resurface by just being friends/cordial with each other?
Speaking as a former dismissive avoidant who now has earned secure attachment: if a DA is not working on their relationship and attachment skills *of their own initiative*, they will persist in DA patterns and your needs will go unmet.
As a DA, I decided it was MY responsibility to do the healing work before even considering another relationship. Any partner worth having deserves the best version of me that I can offer, and that means not dismissing or devaluing the needs of the other.
DAs: it’s a scary journey to secure attachment. We have to perform what feel like wild feats of vulnerability to learn to trust safely. The result is worth it. Not having to look over our shoulders all the time, not expecting an attack, not having to plan an escape…that’s real freedom.
@@estellesstories7467 much respect to you for wanting to be the "best version" of yourself, not only for your partner I have to believe your self worth and self esteem have grown too. Give yourself a round of applause 👏 much deserved!
@@HotRodHarley06 Thanks for your kind words. We all do our best.
Ive been putting in the work also and Im so grateful. Im a FA.
Not living in fear. I refuse
Thanks.
I felt that my DA only spoke about how “they” were affected by the break-up without acknowledging how they pushed me away. Focusing on my anger and speaking up for myself turned to “you hurt my feelings and it felt like an attack.” How does one talk to somekne and set boundaries when everything I say was an “attack” on their ego? Exhausting. I broke it off. I deeerve to be happy with an emotionally available person.
They can only see things from their own pov . Hence avoiding the others pov .
@dandanut5409 a DA isn't a narcissist though. Different type of person. I get your meaning though.
DA's don't hurt you deliberately. Narcissists do.
They know what they’re doing but instead of looking at themselves and getting help, they just keep doing it. They aren’t stupid.
He’s just manipulating you
The clarity I’ve gained from going 6 months (so far) no contact with my DA ex is “don’t mistake unavailability for high-value”
Yeah, let's talk about needs. The non avoidant partner has a need for a stable life and relationship. Not be chasing an avoidant partner, tip toeing around their every trigger, wondering if they are going to leave again. It's unhealthy for people to be in relationships with avoidant people. It's unhealthy for someone to have to learn all these rules and guidelines in order to have a "normal" relationship with someone. Avoidant people need to take ownership of their issues and work on them. That is the solution here, not 101 guidelines on how to live with an avoidant.
We all know the avoidant will most likely avoid that 😂
@@sharnamajor Which is why they are a waste of time.
@SomeTechGuy666 if they are willing to do the work, do the work, and make it their goal to be secure, then they are worth investing in (if the connection has already been established). Unhealed and unaware, absolutely agree with you
Wow, I honestly thought that I was the only person that was being treated and a way that shifted the dynamic so much that I did start walking on eggshells, I did start trying to foresee what was going to make her blow up and steer everything away from that even though it could be anything it could just be any stupid thing. 😅 I remember going to a self checkout and she literally stood there and told me how to put everything in the bag it ended in a huge fight with our telling me that I wasn't putting the items in the bag properly and so I would take them out which would cause an error and an assistant would have to come over and clear the air this probably happened six or seven times while we're trying to check out. I have been through a lot in life, I felt like that experience put me through some really unnecessary BS and the fact I'm bringing it up right now months later lets me know I've let this go on way too long.
.
@@sharnamajorHahaha 🤣🤣
This should be named how to break your own heart.
😂
100 percent.
I think the big thing for me is learning how to engage with such a person without being thrown into anxiety, without losing myself. I think if I can master that, then whether they stay or go or give mixed signals it shouldn't really affect me and I'll keep living my life regardless of their own confused state.
step 1 - leave avoidant
step 2 - become more secure.
Recommend Dr Maika Steinborn's related videos for the anxiously attached + if you are more spiritual, Aaron Doughty's.
If you are a younger woman, the Glowup Secrets Podcast.
They all talk about letting go, revaluing ourselves and becoming more aware of our own worth.
Yah it would affect anybody tho. Secure ppl just don't tolerate it
@alexleung842 I tried giving my all with this strategy. Even tho I studied psychology, got a masters in clinical mental health (SW)..was a self development junkie..I STILL couldn't let this stuff not affect me. 🙃
@@amberv4223facts, no way to live or to love
Yeah I’m literally thinking like, I need to emotionally detach from having a connection with this man to save our relationship, then slowly, taking care of my own self and my needs and still being unattached from him, inform him and talk out with him what I saw he struggles with, not in or about the relationship dynamic, but instead in his own life, which also happens to affect how we do things. If he cares to research and talk about it, then great, then he can continue to prove he is interested in having a relationship with me once he has worked out those kinks and I slowly share the things that were affecting me and he can actually answer them now, and eventually we’ll get to the postion where he’s earned my trust by his commitment and changing, making me feel emotionally loving or safe with him again and knowing eventually it’s good and fixed to try stuff out with him, and then maybe we’ll see. Side steps his triggers, while I take care of my own *on my own.* which i don’t have cuz I’m letting him go and letting him know I’m letting him take his time to process his emotions and give him space and ultimately allows me to help him without overwhelming him and just look to the horizon for how he acts, not the waves. Don’t work around his schedule, he has to make himself fit into mine if he wants me. (I watched like 2 videos, and a lot of research over my own years personally, that really gave me this idea lmao.) i wrote a whole detailed plan and explanation of how it would go too.
We’llllll… see. Right now I’m trying to disconnect and send the right message for him to know what I mean. Can’t decide if I should clue him in on my plan so he doesn’t suffer or leave it, since he didn’t even respond to me telling him I’m gonna give him space in the first place. Kinda getting screwed by him not responding because tbh I can’t tell his opinion on where he’ll go with this aka how he feels about me and me doing it now, and why he won’t respond, but I guess that’s the point of disconnecting.
We’ll see!
Just gotta focus on me and fostering things in my life instead and rereading why I think that. 🙏
Avoidant ex probably isn't coming back for me. I lashed out on them with full intentions of getting blocked by them and they followed through with that. Haven't heard from them for months. I was initially devastated, although everything that transpired has brought me back to my self healing journey. I found out that I may have C-PTSD, which explains some of my overgiving to those that aren't actually available emotionally and then eventually lashing out at them when my needs/desires aren't reciprocated. I hope everyone finds their peace within. I love you all and please be safe 💙
You sound exactly like me 😢
Your story is my story.
Same with me. Tragic! God bless you all and hope you all heal in time and find a partner that won't abandon you from the beginning to the end of the relationship. The only problem is that there will always be "What if's" with these people
Months are nothing. The DA love of my life texted me and unlocked me everywhere after two years of complete silence. The first day I got back to her country (we supposed to leave together, but she cancelled wedding and relocation), we decided to meet, casually with no looking at the past (her condition). Yesterday we spent three hours walking and hugging - and now she’s sending mixed signals. I promised myself I won’t do this again, but she’s simply the best girl in the universe… I got a situational girlfriend, also DA, she’s in a committed relationships (long-distance). It’s sooo complicated I don’t even know if I’m glad she’s back (of course I am)
The lashing out is the worst bit because where left with shame and not knowing whether to hang on or move on 😢
You posting daily is really helping me understand my breakup. Thank you❤
Then as soon as they get feelings back and people are stupid enough to take them back, then get ready for the exact same cycle. The fears come back and boom!!! Gone again. Not worth it. Save yourself.
Not everyone is the same. Your ego wants easy way out too. Fighting to win this is harder. You decide though!
Never look back. Avoidants are incapable of love. If you are anxious-leaning, they will destroy your self-worth. Please choose *your own happiness* (and kick avoidants to the curb for good) 🙏🏻
PREACH
They're not incapable, they prefer to deal with someone distant who beats them to the push pull because that's all they've known and that's what activated their system. On a long enough run they still end up single.
Look into the book Attached, I've listened to the audio book 7 times and it's annoying to know that an avoidant can pull a secure into their anxiety.
Work on your anxious attachment. Its not healthy either. That's what I'm doing. Our lovely DAs are mirroring us. They are a few steps ahead of us anxious folk i think.
Its true what you say, i was just thinking the same thing. When we are around anxious people it makes us feel nervous and maybe confirms our fears. So we also need to learn to be less anxious as that also causes issues in a relationship @nicholeb2746
That is the easy way out. Im not a person giving up, yes i was hurt a lot. But im still standing knowing all the stuff i know now because of it. I can do better for me and maybe i can fix her up if....time will tell if im allowed again.
Oh gosh. Just listening to this wears me out. We were friends for 2 yrs, then we started dating. Our bond grew stronger and he told me how much in love with me he was. We made promises and plans together. Then out of the blue he breaks up with me saying he doesn't want a relationship with me now or ever! My heart is completely broken and I know it's going to take a long time for me to recover. I'm sure he isn't even thinking about me. He cut all ties and communication & unfriended me on Facebook !! If he does happen to come back to make amends, I will accept it. But I will NOT reunite with him unless we get some serious therapy together to deal with his past trauma and shame. Even then I'm don't think I'll ever trust him again. 😢
Do not trust or give second chances! You will regret it for sure. Therapy is used by them to win time and learn your weak points .
My dismissive avoidant ex had trouble communicating when things were bothering her, flat out told me that she couldn't be vulnerable with people, was a really good person but could be very judgemental over small, insignificant things and towards the end of our relationship she completely focused on my flaws and tiny imperfections.
Stonewall stage of the deathwheel
16 years of dealing with a DA. Couldn’t do it any longer. 😞. Would constantly make promises and then break them or never follow through. Walked all over my boundaries!
There is 0 point in reconnecting romantically with an avoidant - the minute you get closer again they will leave again :) if they come back, keep them strictly in the friendzone if possible bc they are incapable of intimacy. Avoidants are not dateable. The convo about needs will not happen - they are largely incapable of this. Avoidants come back for a dopamine hit - that's it.
Remarkable Roadmap, I really appreciate the Powerpoint. Thank you & bravo Thais + PDS team
Very cool video A month ago, I ended a five-year relationship. My soulmate made the decision to walk away from me, and even though I've done everything in my power to get him back, I can't help but feel disappointed because I can't see my life with anyone else. I want to say that I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I simply can't. I miss him so much and I don't know why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
As an avoidant I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do when I address and communicate my fears openly and then the person still does things they know will trigger me… I don’t have any choice but to shut down and push you away, I’m not sticking around for the continued disregard for my feelings.
That person doesn’t leave you with a choice. Even if you weren’t an avoidant. Some people don’t listen or don’t care. That’s the truth. Better move on. Often avoidants don’t want to share. They just run. If you are brave and share, a person who cares will show compassion.
My ex DA did the same thing to me. I shared a trigger (existent due to his own past behaviours, ghosting and the silent treatment) and he used it against me 2 weeks later. He tried to blame me and project onto me for having such a trigger. That didn't stop him from ghosting or giving the silent treatment afterwards ofc.
I guess that type of behaviour is mostly due to a lack of emotional maturity and intelligence. I agree with what the last poster mentioned. If you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and they still treat you like this, they've got quite a lot of work ahead of themselves.
@@_anon_4532 stating your fears is good, but also make clear how you want your partner to handle that fear. If they do something that triggers it, address the action they did that triggered it. Come up with a solution together for a different approach. You will have to remind them a couple of times, people arent perfect and won't change behavior overnight. If you see they are trying but slip up, that's positive as they are putting in effort. Also set some type of time limit, if no improvement at all has been made over, let's say 3 months, review the relationship.
What's an example of a fear you expressed that was disregarded?
If you are afraid of a relationship don't be in one period, real people get hurt, confused, and hurt when they try getting close but you pull away
As always, avoid avoidants. Whatever you think they've got, even if they have got it, you won't be getting it. These people are emotional vampires, and not worth your time and effort.
But then on another channel from a supposed expert he says that an avoidant will never reach out because they will never allow themselves to be that vulnerable as to risk rejection. So unless you reach out to them, you will never hear from them again
I believe that... I am FA (fearful av) and it's really hard for me to initiate regardless how deep I may feel, and my current experience wtih a strong DA I know I'm going to have to initiate, he's even more avoidant than me and I know it ain't gonna happen if I just wait around
when they have strong feelings for you, THEY DO!
Mine did, several times. Other than his ex wife 7 years ago he’s never had any other long term relationships. They have to really love and be in love with you.
@@fluffythebluepersian4888 my fearful avoidant reached out to me 3 weeks ago, I didn't reply and now she deleted me, so yes, fearful avoidants are more likely to reach out, unfortunately, I didn't know about attachment styles when she reached out, so it may as wel be too late now for both of us to reconnect, I can only imagine how she must have felt when I ignored all her messages :(
@@xclusive11413 exactly, when they have strongs feelings for you, they do reach out, they won't apologize or go too vulnerable, but they will reach out in a subtle way just because of how much you mean to them.
My avoidant killed me. I am killed. Stabbed in the heart. I upset them, and he blasted away. Naturally, he had nothing to do with anything, and everything is my fault.
Do not go nack, run
Don’t mistake emotional unavailability for high-value
What do u mean?
@meh3722 in my case, I admired my ex because she was very stoic. Nothing seemed to phase her. Example, a year into our relationship, I asked to meet her family. She said “sorry I don’t want to introduce my significant other to my family until we’ve dated at least two years”
So I respected it.
Fast forward to 3 years into our relationship. Still didn’t meet her family and the excuses were:
“My family isn’t like yours”
“My family is going through a lot right now”
“I don’t care what my family thinks of my relationship”
“We work opposite schedules”
I always reassured her “I will make time”
At first, I thought her standards were high. To which I was honored to be a part of her life.
As time passed, I realized there was always an excuse. One after another. I softened my expectations of her to make sure she was happy. However, her expectations of me rose to an unrealistic high. She was waiting for the “perfect time” and for things to “feel right”
In reality, the perfect partner doesn’t exist. It’s always a work in progress and she failed to realize that.
I landed my dream job but it came with hurdles. When I vented about those hurdles, she gave no reassurance. A week later, she pulled the rug from underneath my feet because she wasn’t emotionally available enough to support me through a low period.
A month after the breakup, I got a promotion, I prospered, and I made it out on top. But she didn’t want to be there to support whole things weren’t so great.
Point is, people can pretend to have high standards and be extra critical to mask their emotional unavailability.
Avoidants are always trying to find the right person but never build introspect and try to BE the right person
@@meh3722A “high value” trait is emotional unavailability. Something a lot of genuine losers think is cool and artificially boosts their ego and image.
The very term "high value," just like the concept it refers to, is toxic, just like women referring to themselves in relationships in terms of qUeEn. You've been consuming too much dating guru crap.
This sounds like me! I think I found the reason why I m operating like this when I start to develop real feelings/ connection with another person next step to heal from the to become securely attached. thank you!
As always thanks for the content but one thing I never thought of and wasnt sure how to navigate is how would you tell an avoidant (in my case FA) to not worry about a problem that is realistically small but their paranoia gets the best of them without seeming like Im dismissing their feelings. I have been at a standstill with this and I really want to help them know when sometimes isnt realistically a threat without seeming annoyed.
Like chapters of a book it’s scary accurate.
He said he was still in love with me when he came back saying he missed me one year later.
I saw he still couldn’t cope with life, no therapist, drinking a bit too much so I ended it.
No more.
I immediately went back to the man I’d been dating for the last year and felt so foolish hoping he’d grown so much more than he had.
I appreciate my partner soo much more now after dealing with an avoidant.
The sad part is we were in love and always will love each other.
Great video! Right one point. Thank you!
Is there anyone here that is on the other side of the breakup or detachment from their avoidant partner? I would really like a few details on how you do that without feeling so sorry for them that they keep themselves so blind to what the two of you could have and realize that you are not letting go of that person but letting yourself go on to a healthier you.
She broke up with me 3 months ago, no reason. I've gone no contact, totally. She just messaged me out of the blue and started to try to talk to me. I'm so confused emotionally. Caught between my head and my heart. What do I do? She's already done it to me twice
Be careful...... I hope you don't get your heart broken again
Keep boundaries in place to protect yourself, match THEIR energy. Good luck ❤
What happened?? I'm curious to know if you were stronger than me..
Is this why avoidant's seem to do better in a relationship with a toxic partner or with a partner that is also emotionally unavailable? Meaning the attachment fears won't be triggered. My FA was in a 12 year relationship prior to us. She talked about how unfulfilling that was and how amazing I was. We made it 7 months before the discard after the slow fade.
That’s exactly what it is. Emotionally unavailable partners (DA or even NPD) do not trigger their fears as much as Anxious/Secure partners. Check Coach Ryan who is very good at unpacking those things. All the best,
As an FA, I've had enough experiences in my dating history to identify my own internal sense of whether I will want to "go back" or not.
If the relationship between both parties became super toxic/abusive/damaging or I felt I "lost interest" naturally over time and we drifted apart, I usually felt it was done after a breakup and would not go back.
However, if I broke up due to my internal fears growing too great (this is usually all internally-based, and the other person doesn't really change the outcome), the lead-up to the breakup would be me becoming incredibly triggered, fearful, hypervigilant, afraid, doubting, etc. as I got closer to the new person intimacy-wise. The fear reactions would become unbearable or manifest physically, and I would eventually shut down completely or run away to make the fear stop. This would involve a break-up and my mind would justify it as, "Well, if it is this stressful for you, it's for the best/something was clearly wrong/they were the wrong person.". But I would feel torn because I simultaneously did NOT want to go and NEEDED to go at the same time.
THIS conflictedness above is a clue for me that I might try to reapproach someone. Sometimes I was correct and I was noticing something bad, but many other times I would have some time away, calm down, and then it would hit me 4-6 weeks later and I was devastated, as if I had been broken up with. I'd fantasize about running into them, seeing them again, wishing they would come back (maybe THEY could figure out why I shut down!), etc. I'd be heartbroken for months over this even though I initiated it.
When I was younger and less familiar with this pattern, there were many times I DID approach the ex, but even if we reconnected, I'd just shut down again after a while, repeating the same pattern. Now that I'm older, I still run away almost every time, but I never return, even if I desperately want to, because it is so unfair to the other person. It's a very weird place to be in. With some exes/connections I run away from, I still sometimes think of them in this vague way, wishing they would come back, as if THEY chose to dump ME, but I was the one who ran.
Thank you for being honest, for opening up and for sharing your personal experience. Much appreciated 🙏🏼
Thanks for sharing this.
As a fellow FA, this is so accurate. I too have grown and matured a little, but the pattern is still there and it is so difficult and uncomfortable to push through it
@@fluffythebluepersian4888 I think what a lot of people are missing with FAs and how to treat us in therapy is that not only do we have patterned maladaptive coping strategies in relationships that cause dysfunction, but I think we have the additional aspect of severe trauma responses that continue to manifest physically in the presence of a relationship, not unlike PTSD. Relationships are the trigger so we have a much more physicalized, out of our control body response than the other types due to our nervous systems.
The only time I have ever been able to stay in a relationship ling-term was on SSRIs. I still had the maladaptive attachment behavior issues, but the extreme physical illness and shutdown from the fight or flight was turned off.
@@Sidera17 those maladaptive uncontrollable physical patterns, I know exactly what you're talking about. When I go into that triggered mode that almost "fight or flight" feeling to shut down I get, like before even sending a text or a phone call with the person I'm trying to be intimate with
I was left super confused. We had a beautiful connection, he was the best few dates I've ever had. The connection was WOW over a few weeks. He asked me to be in a serious relationship with him, said the feelings he had for me felt good but terrified him several times, then out of nowhere he said he was unwell and had to focus on himself. There was no breakup, just disappeared into oblivion. I'm still confused in all honesty... hence im watching these videos 😂😂
this format really suits me
What is the "one thing"?? I watched the whole video and never heard it.
Hard Conversation after Few Weeks of dating??? When he owes me a Huge Apology and Compensation for how he treated me?? 0! 0 days is what he's got.
Your comment was 3 months ago I hope you found forgiveness. True forgiveness is releasing this person from the debt they owe you an apology. Understand maybe they have issues and they need to work on that themselves. The apology may never come but you choose to find true forgiveness because holding grudges root you from inside out
@adrenalinemadness3340 no, I haven't and I won't. I understand, but I do Not have to forgive or clear his debt. Perhaps you've never given another enough to understand.
Only one question here-WHY WOULD ONE WANT AN AVOIDANT TO COME BACK?? If someone got unlucky to get into some kind of relationship with this type and then actually got information and realize what kind of people avoidants are, then the only thing an emotionally healthy person should think about is to learn a lesson, block the weirdo and never look back‼And then later appreciate normal people more.
Na, they will find someone straight away or find someone even before they leave the one they have been with… they don’t need to come back coz there is always someone new to be with….
Not true. That's a false statement
My Ex broke up with me two days ago... We took a 5 week break in june this year and after that he was so much more affectionate than ever before and told me he realized he couldn't live without me... I had a hard time reconnecting with him but eventually gave in and allowed myself to feel my feelings for him fully.... we had some small arguments because I tried to rely on him emotionally and he got defensive... on saturday he told my he loves me but not enough for a relationship and i feel so defeated... I accepted him breaking up but told him he could message me if he realizes that he misses me... i know i lost the love of my life, we had such a special bond and vibe, i doubt i will ever find sth like that again... is there hope? Does a break count as a full breakup in the mind of a DA? He said he didnt feel as if it was a real breakup, but i did.... Do you think he will come back??
I feel the same way as you. I said the same thing to my love. We are married. And live apart long distance. I lost the love of my life and I’m married to her. And wonder everyday if she will come back.
Who should be the one signaling is okay to be reached out? I wanna give her the signal is okay to reach out
And when you confront them they cry or say sorry ir even guilt trip you or act like we dont know.how they feel,wven though they are the ones who blindsided you and hurt you
I have broke up with my ex avoidant almost 5 mois,and i think it's my fault because of an argument ,so after 3 days of argument i told him its my fault and he dont want to talk to me ,so i let him alone but i dont know what i should do because i love him so much so i dont know if i have to try again and talk to him or i move on, although its very tough for me to let him for ever 😢😢
Probably move on
Don’t be so hard on yourself. While he’s away work on yourself. Please don’t put your life on hold. You apologized. I’m sure he’s not 100% innocent either. You did what you could to fix the problem. Good for you. Walk away knowing you did the best you knew how. 🙏🏼❤️🩹
Yeah he isn't coming back... it's a week off being 3 months since NC started.
He was so convincing at the start of our relationship, saying how emotionally intune he is with himself, how he's secure within himself etc. If he were to come back, I wouldn't believe a single word he says. Not even actions, because he fooled me for 12months. That's too long of a deadline.
He's gone. That's it. Another lesson learnt.
Thankyou so much
really liked this video
This is a good video.
How do you do the no contact phase when you are coparenting and have to communicate for them?
Effff that ! 2 months reconnecting phase ! Nah! Really after being in an 8 month "relationship" nah ! Not even worth it !
I like this strategy. One thing I would change is that I wouldn't make contact with the other person at all and let the other person reach out first. This way it's their idea and I know they're ready.
That said, I only do this if the person left ME in the relationship. I've had a handful of women reach out after a breakup changing their minds about things, typically after a few months. Depending on where I'm at (I've usually started seeing other women in the meantime), I would be open to working things out. There's only been one case where it was successful and we got back together, but I still stand by this strategy because you never know where the person is at UNLESS they reach out first.
They didn’t change their minds, they got burned by a Chad and came crawling back.
@@zacpdx that's why you keep your options open during this whole process. You should be seeing and dating other women in the meantime.
@@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g There is a big chance women leave you exactly because you keep your options open in the first place
@@GalaxySamsung9090Galaxy I'm talking about the dating stage or after the relationship is over, not while you're in the relationship. You're talking apples and oranges my guy.
@@GalaxySamsung9090Galaxyyou're absolutely right. He's the avoidant here (waiting for women to reach out and dating others in the meantime 😂)
My avoidant ex stood at my door to drop some of my things off (our toxic way to start talking again) but I didn’t answer the door. When she left I texted “thanks” does that count as breaking no contact lol I know the strict rules of no contact but I was super happy I got my jersey back so I thought I’d say thanks but that was it! Nothing before and nothing since
He came back after 2 months but has been texting every day with no signs of meeting up. What does this mean and how do I move past it?
I'm not saying exactly what it means or the perfect thing to do, but I will share what helped.
How does this texting behaviour make you feel? Do you feel in control of it?
Have you asked him what it means? (e.g. "I can see that we've been in contact regularly for this amount of time, and I enjoy talking to you, etc. These are my intentions/boundaries/wants/needs, I want to know how you feel or where you see this going."
Soemthing like that. Personally, when I was honest with myself, I knew that they were leading me on and had no intentions of making it more serious, but the constant connection was enough for me to feel wanted. The lack of direction eventually made me feel fear, and when it didn't go further I felt abandoned and unwanted. Essentially, I was abandoning myself and becoming boundaryless for this person to want me.
They just weren't worth my time, in the end.
He runs out of supply. It is now your turn to entertain him.
But what if you were the only one dating that person was just along for the ride I now look back on my " unquote relationship and I was the only one dating she didn't date me or court me I feel kind of used now but I understand that this is also my fault I'm not blaming her for everything I should have seen things for what they were sooner. I just didn't want to give up because I thought that maybe she was in the process of understanding herself more with me cuz I was giving room and patience and understanding.
What if they date during no contact and find someone else and then eventually come back ? How common is that ?!
Never take anyone back if they went with someone else. This should be an absolute line in the sand, because you are subjegating yourself to that person by unspokenly agreeing to them "seeing if someone was better than you" then coming back to you when it didn't work out. Respect yourself, or nobody else will.
@@harry-james-books you are absolutely right !!!
Sorry to say, but pretty normal. It does not mean anything about you. Its about the feelings they suppress in the beginning. Filling a void.
Negative negative negative thats most of what is here. Does anyone listen to learn? Or come here just to make statements opposite to the person who actually has experience?
He is so broken 😢I wish he would come talk and move on w better vibe but 😢I wasn't important enough to him to tell me.the truth
Does this video also apply to FA?
How do we do this no contact dance with an avoidant wife and after having two kids with her. I tried limited no contact. She felt happier not to have me around but having to pay all the bills living somewhere else
How do you no contact if you have kids together? Is it just minimal contact?
Does this mean i have to make a reach out to the avoidant, now we're in 4 months no contact?
Her secretary messaging asking my status. Do you think its an indirectly reaching out?
obviously her. Can you imagine an employee reaching out on personal affairs of their boss, without being told to?
This does NOT mean you have to reach out, at all. This is the typical timeline an avoidant *might* reach back out. Keep working on yourself and live like they are never coming back. It's the best thing you can do for yourself
Their SECRETARY messaged you?! Are you joking?
That just shows that they still can't handle real life. Getting an employee to reach out for them is probably the most immature thing I've ever heard! I'm so sorry.
Tell her secretary to contact YOUR secretary...😂
Thais, This works in the same way over a 5-month relationship? (the DA says it was intense and felt like years)
Thank you!
My DA ex and I had a horrible break up and since then we have argued several times, and we are completely broken up for a good bc he can't even be civil or have a closure conversation about the relationship ,but he still follows me on Instagram despite refusing to talk to me and I just think it's like weird (because I'm the only person he follows that doesn't follow him back) and I'm wondering if he's trying to keep a connection open to come back.
They want you in their life, but not really. All you can do is hope he heals his wounds and change his behavior by reprogramming.
@@ingeclaeys3761I agree with you.
@omgcarsonnn .. In the meantime, focus on yourself and find someone who will treat you with the love and attention you desire. It is futile to edit around on a DA
It's been about 9 weeks since the sudden cut off of contact.....therd has been no contact from her but when the event happened I sent flowers 2 days afterwards.
I sent flowers when I found out her beloved cat died about 3 weeks after....
We currently live in different countries, me in the U S and her in Scotland.
I was planning on moving to Scotland this spring but got mixed messages from her all winter after spending 4 months in Scogland with her.
She has CPTSD and Fibromyalgia and suffers from the aftereffects of a horrific childhood of violence and alcohol fueled mayhem.
I wasn't fully aware of her disorder while in Scogland and was in confusion about what to do and how to react.
I love this woman and know her soul and realize that what she acts out is the survival effects of her own childhood.
I am hopeful she will re- establish contact because nowadays least, I have an idea that's going on.
@@halbarbour7340you did well. But unless she's in long-term therapy and reaching out to you, you're getting yourself into a huge mess.
BLOCK It’s just spying
What if my DA ex rebounded one month after hurting me,and is still with the new guy 5 months later?
After the no-contact phase... does a DA appreciate an apology from his ex? or would that just overwhelm him again.
So, i have a son with my ex. How does thos work??
Who thinks its healthy to wait? If ypu really believe she is the one and needs time to heal.... i rrqlly dont wanna start dating when i know she watching my stories after a whole year and for the duration of that year each and every day... why she keeping tabs on me if we're not supposed to be together? 😅
It’s 15 months for me and we never stopped communicating but he would never meet me .. he finally asked to see me a month ago we met it was great .. but I learned to be not anxious .. it was his birthday this week and I told him I want to take him for dinner next week he said yes.. I’m giving him what he wants I’m going slowwwww
Is it possible a male DAs relationship trauma is so bad they can have a block and can’t relate but only had business and same sex surface level friendship bonds. When a new relationship with a females starts to get personal suddenly they can’t interpret steps of relationship progression and freeze and feel misunderstood as well the DA freezes and can’t reciprocate or respond because their brain can’t make sense of the interaction and freeze for fear of saying something where they might be made fun of. To me it does feel two steps forward one step back. They will share I will go with it they will not respond as if they don’t understand the interaction. I’m the past they have said texts have been hard to understand and saying they don’t have time but since this video I wonder if they is a mental block to deeper stages of bonding and DA can’t respond and it comes off as aloof and uninterested. If trauma is so bad I can imagine one can shut down pretty far. Business is comfortable, certain friendships are okay too but suddenly when the traumatized brain senses a shift to bonding it shuts down. 😢
I reached out 2 time in 2 week post BU to my DA ex. Am I doomed?
Stop! Go no contact for atleast 6 months. If they dumped you, they need to reach out first!
How do I get a o e to one with you for help
How do we do this when we work together?
My gf for 4 years left me a month later she dating a new guy. She says she's really happy and in peace now.she doesn’t care about me anymore. She blocked me. How do you move on from a 4 year relationship that fast? She's now getting high, she thinks this man is perfect he's Dominican too I know he giving her drugs and her new friends too. I'm worried about her because she's a good girl. But she changed a lot. I work out im in last year of college plus I work for a business company I go to church. everyone is telling me she will regret it but time will tell I guess..even her own dad. I pray for her to be safe & be happy. I messed up before in the past but I changed to be a better man for her. I got karma maybe I deserve it.. but it broke my heart she found someone already..
a good friend of mine told me “ she believes you’re not the one for her when you are in your bad moments. So she doesn’t deserve you at your best.”
how do you feel about this?
Rebound! Won't last long!
best!!!
5 years🥳whohoo!!! Quastion : Can dismisive avoidant be triggered to change to fearful to start chaise other avoidant ( fearfull) who for 2 years was chaser and worked to finally make dismissive to love them and attached to them? Is posible to trigger dismissive to be chaser now after stopping now care and act avoidant ?
Nope. The dismissive avoidant has an internal voice that tells them to move away when there are too many feelings. They won’t chase.
@@cecilang9721ever??😮
Give it some time they will be right back! They just have to calm their nervous system and their asses dont stop!
Real
Body count management
8 months. She ain’t coming back
Be happy
Is there a way to determine when it makes sense to try reaching out in order to reconnect or if you should let them be the one to reach out? I had tried sending a light text and got no response from my DA at around the 6 wk mark so I took that to mean they didn't want to reconnect but after about 3 mos they suddenly started watching my stories again. This has been going on for the past 4 mos every 2-3x I post but they never react or comment so I don't know how to interpret this because it's so indirect. I don't know whether I should try again to contact them or ignore it until they reach out more directly. Have continued dating others and focusing on myself in the meantime but would be open to exploring things with them again.
I keep asking this and never seem to get a real rational answer. What if I cannot go no contact because we work together? And can attraction resurface by just being friends/cordial with each other?
@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme Thank you 🙏🏽
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This is a repeat.
Zu viel Werbung!!! 🤮🤮🤮👎👎👎 I won't watch your videos anymore