I’m a fearful avoidant. Fearful avoidants can also be dismissive in relationships once relationships are actually formed also. I swing between being fearful and then dismissive in relationships.
I am FA as well and yes agree - that has been the case for me. I’ve been with my DA husband for many years now & I recognise all the patterns in my own behaviour & his. I’ve been trying to learn what my triggers are to try to avoid getting so angry so easily. I think many are due to the intermittent reinforcement of positive attention in early childhood and also having a chaotic stressful environment growing up. I like knowing what to expect and really don’t like unexpected changes. They often provoke rage in me which takes quite a while to calm down from and then I’ll feel depressed and shame due to overreacting. If I know in advance about a particular change to my routine coming up (even minor ones) I get a lot of anxiety in the lead up as well as anger. I think I most worry about the feeling of physical stress and fatigue which I invariably feel from having to get more done and even think more than usual. I will get through the event on adrenalin and cortisol and then it will take me a long time to recover afterwards. My husband doesn’t experience much of this. But sometimes he doesn’t do what he has said he will and that will irritate me a lot.
@@universaltruth2025 It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style... fearfully-avoidant individuals don't typically make it to longterm commitment/ marriage unless they've changed their attachment style along the way
I feel overwhelmed with the toe-tipping and patience of Jane Goodall required to hold space for “spice of lifers” and “rolling stone”. It is similar to trying to feed a vicious, stray dog. I have so much compassion for partners who struggle with FA/DA, but it needs to be a partnership, not a rehabilitation program.
I am fearful avoidant. I only discovered attachment theory in adult relationships 3 months ago after breaking up and being confused about my DA’s hot and cold behaviours. We should be taught this in high school, it would save so much heartache and miscommunication. I am already on the path to becoming secure.
Possibility Thinking It has been difficult because I have had to face the trauma I experienced throughout my childhood. I have always just ignored it and got on with life. Now I understand how it affected my social and emotional development and although I am a highly functioning adult I have deep wounds that need to be addressed. I will definitely go into my next relationship with eyes wide open. Also, I work with children so it has enlightened me to the extent that children are affected by trauma. I cringe when I hear “they’re so young, they won’t remember” or “they don’t know what’s happening, it doesn’t affect them”.
Possibility Thinking I’m so sorry you feel that way. Unfortunately we can’t control what others do to us as children, but you are on the right path if you are wanting to heal. Another great channel is the Personal Development School with Thais Gibson. She posts short, detailed videos daily and is an ex spice-of-lifer ( FA). Highly trained in the area of attachment, behaviour theory and brain development.
I'm an anxious attachment and after experiencing relationships with both types of avoidants, I can tell you I'd much rather take an FA. At least they have phases where they can be vulnerable and connect deeply. With a DA, you're basically constantly emotionally starved.
i recently learned abt attachment styles which really changed my view of myself. i’ve been told i’m mysterious even though i never thought that abt myself. a girl at my work even commented how it seems i don’t talk to ppl unless they approach me first. i like what you said abt metaphors bc i do tht a lot. i’m trying to be more open and be better abt not hating the ppl tht get close to me. i think i’m more fearful avoidant but i’m not sure. i’m very nice w ppl and enjoy talking about emotions especially because they almost feel like something new i’ve discovered within the past few years (i relate to the dissociation part). but only their emotions. thanks for the video
Too exhausting and confusing. Don’t count on subtle flirting, hints, or breadcrumbs. Find a plain-spoken person who verbally and physically demonstrates their love for you 😌😌
OMG this is exactly what my ex and I were like. I loved him so much and was always trying to find out why we kept arguing or giving each other the silent treatment
Thank you. I'm going to use this information to never waste another moment of my life with an avoidant partner again. They are not safe, and I don't have any interest in carrying the entire emotional load of relationships ever again only to keep leaving out my own needs because it's the only way they don't feel (gag) "controlled." These people can work their shit out alone. DONE.
Wow. Sounds like a lot of your emotion's are yours to start with. We dismissive avoidancers don't expect anyone to carry our emotions. We certainly don't "control" others feelings or lives. So if someone is, either they're a narcissist and you're trapped in their web or possibly you're having enough emotions for both of you... Which could indicate that you may be suffering from your own personality disorder. 🤷🏻♀️
I feel you. I understand too. They don't know how to emotionally regulate and most times are emotionally immature too. We don't get it, so we continue to pour and regulate ourselves and them on our own, it gets sooo exhausting. I'm taking time for myself and pouring into myself now. I don't need to or want to deal with people who don't think they have a problem, don't want to work on it, and makes me feel neglected. Stay blessed❤
@@DestinyA83 ....this is a very clear example of what comes up in a relationship with avoidant types and the limits an individual can be. You'd have to be a saint to be in any meaningful relationship with these people as they are cut off from the most essential part of their being, emotionally retarded to put it bluntly. A relationship with one of these ones can turn a mature, secure, well-adjusted, loving person into a shadow of their former self. Suggesting "Sounds like a lot of your emotion's are yours to start with" is an insult and like saying to someone with a terminal illness to "get over yourself". No, avoid the avoidant at all costs.
12:56 is so profound. Getting them to be comfortable with uncertainty is how I understood it. Helping them to realize that it's NOT always going to make them feel bad. Avoiding the experience from their perspective doesn't let the pain in and we know that's what drives the avoidance. But in doing this they ALSO are avoiding any possibility the experience can be POSITIVE. Is this correct? Also is it possible that each of us could be fearful- avoidants sharing many qualities of BOTH but predominantly (not by much) fearful or avoidant? Thank you. Your clear speaking and ability to stay on tract sets you apart from the other speakers on attachment theory. It's such a pleasure listen to you
thanks, helps make sense of the last 44 yrs of expletive deleted. certainly at first was anxious, then many facets turned dismissive in self preservation and toughen the heck up boy kinda attitude.
Haha this is amazing. I mainly only saw their power in my spice of lifer. And this for sure sparked them to perceive me as the enemy. Thank you for such succinct in depth content 🎉
Being FA I think my attachment expression has a lot to do with the people I'm around. Lately my coworkers have a lot of qualities of anxious attachment and so I've skirted to more of the avoidant side. But I think taking into perspective, there's a part of me that disdains my past (more anxious) behaviors and sometimes I project that onto open hearts. in some ways I think being an FA still has you more emotionally available than a DA. Being highly self critical how I come off can help me attune to others more than a DA. And when I shut down from too much intimacy explaining that to my partner that I will get overwhelmed really does help. I'm almost excessively emotionally aware because I don't want my emotions to leak into the 'real world'. But when I can verbalize that experience as objectively as I can that does seem to help a lot and helps me explain to my partner *exactly* what I want/need but concisely with no (accidental) emotional blackmail
Hi there. Just found you and started listening to your videos. Super helpful. Wanted to do your checklist but the link is no longer working. Do you have a new one?
The idea that you don't have to "earn" love or a place in a relationship can be a game-changer. Many of us are conditioned to believe love is transactional or must be worked for, but the healthiest relationships are those where love is freely given. Thank you for sharing your reflections and experience.
This is profoundly helpful.❤ Your teachings on symbolism and play are positively impacting my self understanding and well-being. I am increasingly thinking in symbols to understand my emotions and thoughts. The precise Things in between fearful avoidant or Spicer boyfriend and dismissive avoidant or Rolling Stones are extremely helpful. between dismissive avoidant or spice of life or’s and
Hi Briana! Thank you so much for all the content you provide. I love your videos. I have a question. Aren't the Anxious preocupied also deep down emotionally unavailable?
The bit you said at the end about testing people and being perceived as a victim makes so much sense to me. I find it applies very much to therapy at the moment.
Thank you so much for everything you share. Your videos have been super helpful for me (a spice of lifer) and my rolling Stone husband. Mostly the self development I've done has given him the space and security to open up. I'm wondering when you talk about play therapy to help the rolling stone open up to their feelings if this is only intended for a therapuetic relationship or if this is something that could be explored within a partnership? I struggle sometimes with trying to play the role of therapist for both of us as I've begun my healing journey. So now sometimes wonder if I'm overstepping what my roll in the relationship should be. However, I do want to tap into whatever can help me and in turn, the relationship that I'm in.
Sarah G Thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your story with me. I do intend for playful approaches to be applicable in a therapeutic situation but also in an adult romantic relationship. Because when we are in romantic relationships we give ourselves permission to love in the way that children do and that’s why when it’s good it feels so good. My course on relationship rescue demonstrates to couples how they can bring playfulness into the relationship without one person becoming the therapist and the other a patient. You can find the info page here: creativeartstherapiesonline.com/p/relationship-rescue/
Dear Briana; this is so helpful. After long years of therapy i have become a more or less secure. My loved partner/ date/ crush (difficult to put a label, you see) is a fearful avoidant though. What when he goes missing in a funk: shall i initiate contact or shall I let him start the talking or the warming up? I think this is crucial in helping a relationship work and eventually repair. I really appreciate your help and comments here. Love.
Could you explain me better this part of the metaphors? I didn't understand very well in the video. The DA who liked me told me she was passionate about my way of communicating and my metaphors. Deep down, I think she really fell in love with my writing and not with me. LOL
@@sushisam3010your way of expressing is part of you, she fell in love with you for that and other things I'm sure. I was also passionate about these traits in my FA, but that wouldn't be enough if that alone. I admire and love the person he is. In the way someone expresses we can perceive much more of their essence than a writing skill. Then again it seems like DAs have a hard time explaining why they love someone. But they do. I know I love my FA beyond physical or mental characteristics. It's him my heart beats for, no one else. I know that 💯. I like metaphors because I tend to suck at talking about my feelings directly, I feel like it's not right to express sadness or fear etc because it's up to me to sort that out. But when it's within a metaphor and not directly me, then yes I can recognise it is ok and valid. And therefore might spot that it is ok and valid for me also.
@@sunbeam9222 So does the metaphor give a sense of "lightness" in feeling and speech recognition? Is it like you talk about yourself, but not in the first person? It seems to me that DAs also have difficulties understanding the feelings of others. A metaphor is basically a "drawn speech". It is a speech with images. It's like drawing what you want to say.
@@sushisam3010 I understand feelings when they're explicitly stated only ;) if someone shows discomfort but won't say why, often times I cannot guess. And because I don't like to interpret and I don't like to push someone to express if they're not ready because I don't like it being done to me, I will let it go and there you end up with " the DA doesn't care". I do care about my partner I just cannot read feelings very well. Hope it makes sense.
I guess all that is one step in the right direction. I don't like to categorize things all that much, I haven't met anyone who was so on the nose; it's more like, things happen, and then you get this as a result, however you slice it. But when he's friends with a bunch of people that hate me, and some want to hurt children (yikes) and doesn't seem keen on changing that or admitting me, well, what's the point? Like, oh, great, you love me enough to stuff me into a closet when other people are looking. Hey, I think Alfalfa did that on the Little Rascals. You know what his problem was? He didn't care at all what Darla thought, because he didn't respect her. He was proud of all the friends around him that kept him a little boy that never had to grow up. You know what? There's a cute security guard that works in the building a few blocks away. Sometimes I wonder if he likes coffee, seeing as Mr. "I'm so cool for having friends that care nothing for my actual wellbeing" won't give me the time of day. And I wouldn't care if I was committed, or even married to such a fool, actually. Because he clearly only sees dedication as a means to trap someone. I daresay, he'll respect a union he's in exactly as much as the woman in question. In that case, not at all. (... I wonder what the security guard's name is? I should look closer and see if he has a name tag. Heh... He's so cute in his uniform. Maybe I should pretend I'm lost and ask for directions...)
Okay, I have a question for you all. I’m new to the world of people with Avoidant personality, and I was wondering if you could give me insight. I have a major crush on someone who, sure enough, is making me wonder whether I should pursue them or not. They’re an acquaintance’s sibling, in their 50s, who has been living with another sibling for at least ten years. Accomplished, smart, has hobbies, a sense of humor, behaves politely and describes themselves as “Shy”. However, they have opened up about their feelings and their interests without any external prompt, which makes them seem “not as walled-in as I thought avoidants were”. Here’s the thing: They’re “blowing hot and then cold”. By this, I mean that they tend to disappear the day after we’ve talked more, and got to know each other better. One day, they didn’t even seem to have accessed the messaging app they use to communicate with everyone (including family and friends - I know this for a fact). It’s as if, even in this early stage, they’re being avoidant, though when we talk, they don’t sound either avoidant or boastful. Sure, they take pride in their accomplishments, but they don’t seem to have a grandiose sense of self. No red flags pertaining to narcissism about the way they talk, but then there’s this “absence” between our interactions. I thought that, perhaps, they may be an Avoidant, but now I’m wondering if they may actually be a Covert Narcissist playing games. I’m just not sure what to think Please, feel free to chime in, and if you need any clarifications, just ask. Thank you!
I think I am a spice of lifer. I definitely have avoidance issues. I’m in a serious relationship with a man currently and I’m really scared learning that I probably have this issue. I really want the relationship to last and see us being together long term, but am I damaging my partner with my behavior? How do I work on myself? Can I ever fix this about myself?
Hello. Question. I'm a spice of life person who fell head first with a dismissive avoidant. He love bombed me, played "Dr. Phil" said he was "all in". He is 54 and I'm 38. He was separated soon to be divorced. When we hit a bump, he took off. He still talks to me if I'm the one who reaches out. He's still polite. After we broke up, he gave it 2 months before getting involved with someone. My question...is he truly dismissive or just a old dirty man whose in player mode? How can you tell?
Hi. In here for first time. But really needing some help... Since I know my self struggle with be in relationship, because I "cannot feeling anything". Really fighting my fear for many decades, but still even now Im in a relationship for over a year, still feel I cannot follow in love. And this thought is obcessive, and don't really alow the fellings to develop. Living in a state of anxiety for over a year, and I start to have physical simptoms... Please anyone can help...
I know it might seem more comfortable to ask for help here as you don't have to have anybody face to face, as it might be another one of the fears... you don't know me so can't ask you to trust me, though I wish you did for now. You need to find a really good psychologist and simply talk to them for a while. There is a tabu around getting psychological help, as if one was crazy or sick in the head. It is not how it works. People go to the doctor all the time for minor or significant symptoms, for treating diseases or to simply having a blood test done, a cold checked. Same scenario with mental health. We all need help with our mental health. You might have trouble with not feeling anything when you want to fall in love, someone else might have trouble in a relationship because they are narcissists, myself I have trouble in relationships because I overly depend on them emotionally and give love and attentions disproportionally. We all have issues to solve. Since I started therapy and so my family (uncles mum and cousins), the world has changed ever since for us. Being an anxious attachment style, I have problems with my relationships too. One can either love, or unintentionally destroy those who love us.
have u ever fell in love before...can u love somone or something? if yes...maybe u r not in love with ur girlfriend....if all is no......answer....then u may need therapy to discover what trauma caused u this behaviour and work through it...to release it.....
@lorisvenegoni6013 help a dismissive accomplish tasks, show you are dependable. The dismissive you are dealing with needs to see you as an effective partner, one that can assist or lead depending on who has the knowledge. Show you can be an asset at times.
Barbara N Hi there, I just checked the link and it is working. You may want to refresh your page or try accessing it from a different device. Thank you for your inquiry.
This is weird because as an ACA I see a bit of my everywhere although I have done a lot of work . Is it possible to misdiagnose yourself and take the wrong course ??
Using the descriptors rolling stone and spice of lifer is confusing to someone new to theory. Please use the accurate terms so it is more comprehensible.
Why is that checklist you are using for assessing attachment style (I mean the questions)is highly focused at romantic relationships, when it's supposed to touch wide range of our day to day life and other relations as well like friendships, familyhood and related to our self???
Thank you for watching and for commenting with your inquiry. I work with this topic Specifically in relationship to romantic partners. The assessment is my personal creation for individuals that want to address it on this level. I hope that makes sense.
I haven't watched the full video yet, but based on the title she's not discussing avoidant personality disorder. She's talking about attachment styles which are different than personality disorders.
You are talking about people with serious psychological or emotional dis-order! We are not here to counsel or give theraphy to men. When you have attraction to someone you would want to spend time, get to know and want to be close to that person. It's a natural and normal human instincts, needs and behaviour . YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE THAT PERSON, WANT TO HAVE RELATIONSHIP. If he has fears then he shouldn't be in any kind of relationship until he gets professional help and resolves his issues. Oh, one more crucial points; when someone loves you there can't be ''FEAR'' because love is one of the strongest force on earth ..strong enough to disolve fear. If he says he has fear, don't buy it, he doesn't love you enough, he is not into you ! Simple. Don't make it complicate it. These things are very straighforward , easy to understand. life is way too short to get involve with people who have ''yeah but, no but, etc'' mind set, people who can't continue what they started off...!
Yes.... This is what I was looking for. Thank you. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. People need to do their OWN inner work before trying to be in relationships and these co-dependants need to heal themselves as well instead of trying to save these advoidants
@@TheOne-lo4lz How does it feel to judge people for you? Just a humbl suggestion for you; when you disagree with someone, you could perhaps saying ''i kindly disagree with you'' and state your own view point. Attacking someone's point of view will not get you much further in life We have a right to positively and politely cristise people if it's constructive but no one has right to judge another human being ''I think''. / I assume you are young..its obvious..maybe in the future you will understand what i am trying to say..It's too early for you to make sense for the time being..Kind Regards..Much love dear reader.
Summer Hey there, thank you for watching and for commenting. I just tried the links and they are working. You may want to try using them on a different device.
wtaf?! essentially labeling FAs as exploitative psychopaths without remorse is one of the most ridiculous & offensive takes i've encountered! know i'd like a couple videos from this channel previously so glad to see now what's really thought of an attachment style typically born from trauma so won't invest anymore watch time here
What if the person has every trait of an extreme DA but admits she is insecure? Is she still a DA because I thought DAs did not get insecure? She could tick off all boxes of a DA but very distrusting as she was cheated on a lot.
gary travers This person sounds more fearful avoidant, leaning towards the avoidant end of the spectrum. This video might help. It explains the dimensionality of attachment. Secure Attachment vs. Avoidant Attachment, How to Tell The Difference? ua-cam.com/video/aoFXDmrhqdY/v-deo.html
When someone truly loves you and attracted to you, they won't have FEAR of anything! These DSM books/theories etc..don't work in real life situation.(They too mechanical, too robotic) I have phd in psychology , clinical psychology and i have also diploma, MA in psychotherapy , specialised in relationships.
You’ll want to get a refund on those degrees because it’s definitely possible to be terrified of someone you’re deeply in love with. Do some reading around BPD
@@TheOne-lo4lz remove the fear if you want love to enter.. real love is pure so fear can't exist..if it does then there might be other underlying issues needs to be looked at/analysed..to see whats causing the fear that blocks the real love..Ps; Thank you for sharing your opinion..everyone has and only true to them, you owe them, not me so i respect. I just agree to disagree though respectfully.
@@Larissa-of3qt yeah... it’s not as simple as ‘removing the fear’. some people who have experienced trauma have been biologically conditioned to have flight or fight responses in relationships that trigger past traumatic memories. you can love someone incredibly deeply but then be reminded of a past event where you loved someone deeply and they hurt you
@@addwasabitomycoffee Yes, thats exactly what i said in my post if you read it, but incase if you didn't , let me copy and paste my exact words; ''.if it does then there might be other underlying issues needs to be looked at/analysed..to see whats causing the fear that blocks the real love..''
![Can Avoidant Partners Change? 3 Major Obstacles for Rolling Stones [Avoidant Attachment]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/DcZAXufO97E/mqdefault.jpg)
I’m a fearful avoidant. Fearful avoidants can also be dismissive in relationships once relationships are actually formed also. I swing between being fearful and then dismissive in relationships.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Colten Kelso. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
I am FA as well and yes agree - that has been the case for me. I’ve been with my DA husband for many years now & I recognise all the patterns in my own behaviour & his. I’ve been trying to learn what my triggers are to try to avoid getting so angry so easily. I think many are due to the intermittent reinforcement of positive attention in early childhood and also having a chaotic stressful environment growing up. I like knowing what to expect and really don’t like unexpected changes. They often provoke rage in me which takes quite a while to calm down from and then I’ll feel depressed and shame due to overreacting. If I know in advance about a particular change to my routine coming up (even minor ones) I get a lot of anxiety in the lead up as well as anger. I think I most worry about the feeling of physical stress and fatigue which I invariably feel from having to get more done and even think more than usual. I will get through the event on adrenalin and cortisol and then it will take me a long time to recover afterwards. My husband doesn’t experience much of this. But sometimes he doesn’t do what he has said he will and that will irritate me a lot.
Yes, that's why both descriptors are within the name...
@@universaltruth2025 It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style... fearfully-avoidant individuals don't typically make it to longterm commitment/ marriage unless they've changed their attachment style along the way
95% of avoidents dont have a clue they are 1
I feel overwhelmed with the toe-tipping and patience of Jane Goodall required to hold space for “spice of lifers” and “rolling stone”. It is similar to trying to feed a vicious, stray dog. I have so much compassion for partners who struggle with FA/DA, but it needs to be a partnership, not a rehabilitation program.
I am fearful avoidant. I only discovered attachment theory in adult relationships 3 months ago after breaking up and being confused about my DA’s hot and cold behaviours. We should be taught this in high school, it would save so much heartache and miscommunication. I am already on the path to becoming secure.
Possibility Thinking It has been difficult because I have had to face the trauma I experienced throughout my childhood. I have always just ignored it and got on with life. Now I understand how it affected my social and emotional development and although I am a highly functioning adult I have deep wounds that need to be addressed. I will definitely go into my next relationship with eyes wide open.
Also, I work with children so it has enlightened me to the extent that children are affected by trauma. I cringe when I hear “they’re so young, they won’t remember” or “they don’t know what’s happening, it doesn’t affect them”.
Possibility Thinking I’m so sorry you feel that way. Unfortunately we can’t control what others do to us as children, but you are on the right path if you are wanting to heal. Another great channel is the Personal Development School with Thais Gibson. She posts short, detailed videos daily and is an ex spice-of-lifer ( FA). Highly trained in the area of attachment, behaviour theory and brain development.
Iam FA and never had a problem with expressing myself emotionally...
Until I met my DA! Never again will I trust another person 💯
I'm an anxious attachment and after experiencing relationships with both types of avoidants, I can tell you I'd much rather take an FA. At least they have phases where they can be vulnerable and connect deeply. With a DA, you're basically constantly emotionally starved.
I'd rather be single
Amen❤@@iamsoohappy
i recently learned abt attachment styles which really changed my view of myself. i’ve been told i’m mysterious even though i never thought that abt myself. a girl at my work even commented how it seems i don’t talk to ppl unless they approach me first. i like what you said abt metaphors bc i do tht a lot. i’m trying to be more open and be better abt not hating the ppl tht get close to me. i think i’m more fearful avoidant but i’m not sure. i’m very nice w ppl and enjoy talking about emotions especially because they almost feel like something new i’ve discovered within the past few years (i relate to the dissociation part). but only their emotions. thanks for the video
Too exhausting and confusing.
Don’t count on subtle flirting, hints, or breadcrumbs.
Find a plain-spoken person who verbally and physically demonstrates their love for you
😌😌
Isn't it everybody s dream? I certainly want that, just have no idea where they hang out 😅
OMG this is exactly what my ex and I were like. I loved him so much and was always trying to find out why we kept arguing or giving each other the silent treatment
Thank you. I'm going to use this information to never waste another moment of my life with an avoidant partner again. They are not safe, and I don't have any interest in carrying the entire emotional load of relationships ever again only to keep leaving out my own needs because it's the only way they don't feel (gag) "controlled." These people can work their shit out alone. DONE.
Wow. Sounds like a lot of your emotion's are yours to start with.
We dismissive avoidancers don't expect anyone to carry our emotions. We certainly don't "control" others feelings or lives.
So if someone is, either they're a narcissist and you're trapped in their web or possibly you're having enough emotions for both of you... Which could indicate that you may be suffering from your own personality disorder. 🤷🏻♀️
Heal you then.
I feel you. I understand too. They don't know how to emotionally regulate and most times are emotionally immature too. We don't get it, so we continue to pour and regulate ourselves and them on our own, it gets sooo exhausting. I'm taking time for myself and pouring into myself now. I don't need to or want to deal with people who don't think they have a problem, don't want to work on it, and makes me feel neglected. Stay blessed❤
@@DestinyA83 ....this is a very clear example of what comes up in a relationship with avoidant types and the limits an individual can be. You'd have to be a saint to be in any meaningful relationship with these people as they are cut off from the most essential part of their being, emotionally retarded to put it bluntly. A relationship with one of these ones can turn a mature, secure, well-adjusted, loving person into a shadow of their former self. Suggesting "Sounds like a lot of your emotion's are yours to start with" is an insult and like saying to someone with a terminal illness to "get over yourself". No, avoid the avoidant at all costs.
This just clarified for me that I'm definitely fearful avoidant. So insightful
Alex Manning Thank you for watching and for commenting. I’m glad that you got some insight out of it!
12:56 is so profound. Getting them to be comfortable with uncertainty is how I understood it. Helping them to realize that it's NOT always going to make them feel bad. Avoiding the experience from their perspective doesn't let the pain in and we know that's what drives the avoidance. But in doing this they ALSO are avoiding any possibility the experience can be POSITIVE. Is this correct?
Also is it possible that each of us could be fearful- avoidants sharing many qualities of BOTH but predominantly (not by much) fearful or avoidant?
Thank you.
Your clear speaking and ability to stay on tract sets you apart from the other speakers on attachment theory. It's such a pleasure listen to you
Jeff P Thank you for watching and for commenting. These are great insights and questions.
thanks, helps make sense of the last 44 yrs of expletive deleted. certainly at first was anxious, then many facets turned dismissive in self preservation and toughen the heck up boy kinda attitude.
You are so thorough and insightful! Thank you for your hard work and your compassion 💗🙌🏽
Haha this is amazing. I mainly only saw their power in my spice of lifer. And this for sure sparked them to perceive me as the enemy.
Thank you for such succinct in depth content 🎉
Hi Briana! is the PDF no longer available? loved the video, thank you!
Being FA I think my attachment expression has a lot to do with the people I'm around. Lately my coworkers have a lot of qualities of anxious attachment and so I've skirted to more of the avoidant side. But I think taking into perspective, there's a part of me that disdains my past (more anxious) behaviors and sometimes I project that onto open hearts.
in some ways I think being an FA still has you more emotionally available than a DA. Being highly self critical how I come off can help me attune to others more than a DA. And when I shut down from too much intimacy explaining that to my partner that I will get overwhelmed really does help. I'm almost excessively emotionally aware because I don't want my emotions to leak into the 'real world'. But when I can verbalize that experience as objectively as I can that does seem to help a lot and helps me explain to my partner *exactly* what I want/need but concisely with no (accidental) emotional blackmail
I think I would also consider myself a Spice Of Lifer too Briana.
She’s really good.
Thanks for those encouraging words.
I think I want connection Briana, but I also fear it and I feel cut off from my emotions.
Hi there. Just found you and started listening to your videos. Super helpful. Wanted to do your checklist but the link is no longer working. Do you have a new one?
Seriously super helpful. Thank you for this!
Aurelie Richards Thank you for watching and for commenting. I’m glad that it helps!
10:00 dismissive -metaphor, play
13:45 fearful- widen window for emotional tolerance
The idea that you don't have to "earn" love or a place in a relationship can be a game-changer. Many of us are conditioned to believe love is transactional or must be worked for, but the healthiest relationships are those where love is freely given. Thank you for sharing your reflections and experience.
This is profoundly helpful.❤
Your teachings on symbolism and play are positively impacting my self understanding and well-being. I am increasingly thinking in symbols to understand my emotions and thoughts. The precise Things in between fearful avoidant or Spicer boyfriend and dismissive avoidant or Rolling Stones are extremely helpful. between dismissive avoidant or spice of life or’s and
I would say that I’m Fearful-Avoidant Briana because I fear rejection and I guess intimacy too.
Hi Briana!
Thank you so much for all the content you provide. I love your videos. I have a question. Aren't the Anxious preocupied also deep down emotionally unavailable?
The bit you said at the end about testing people and being perceived as a victim makes so much sense to me. I find it applies very much to therapy at the moment.
Omg. This is f**%]# crazy! You sounded exactly like my Ex-Wife. Why didn’t I learn this 21 years ago
George Aguilar Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
Thank God we can all make much better life changing choices now because information is everywhere that empowers us going forward 😊😊
Thank you so much for everything you share. Your videos have been super helpful for me (a spice of lifer) and my rolling Stone husband. Mostly the self development I've done has given him the space and security to open up.
I'm wondering when you talk about play therapy to help the rolling stone open up to their feelings if this is only intended for a therapuetic relationship or if this is something that could be explored within a partnership? I struggle sometimes with trying to play the role of therapist for both of us as I've begun my healing journey. So now sometimes wonder if I'm overstepping what my roll in the relationship should be. However, I do want to tap into whatever can help me and in turn, the relationship that I'm in.
Sarah G Thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your story with me. I do intend for playful approaches to be applicable in a therapeutic situation but also in an adult romantic relationship. Because when we are in romantic relationships we give ourselves permission to love in the way that children do and that’s why when it’s good it feels so good. My course on relationship rescue demonstrates to couples how they can bring playfulness into the relationship without one person becoming the therapist and the other a patient. You can find the info page here: creativeartstherapiesonline.com/p/relationship-rescue/
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment thanks so much! I will definitely check that out
Dear Briana; this is so helpful. After long years of therapy i have become a more or less secure. My loved partner/ date/ crush (difficult to put a label, you see) is a fearful avoidant though. What when he goes missing in a funk: shall i initiate contact or shall I let him start the talking or the warming up? I think this is crucial in helping a relationship work and eventually repair. I really appreciate your help and comments here. Love.
Hi Briana. Is it possible to reupload the checklist? It seems like the link doesn't work anymore.
I lean dismissive and relate to metaphors very much.
Could you explain me better this part of the metaphors? I didn't understand very well in the video. The DA who liked me told me she was passionate about my way of communicating and my metaphors. Deep down, I think she really fell in love with my writing and not with me. LOL
@@sushisam3010your way of expressing is part of you, she fell in love with you for that and other things I'm sure. I was also passionate about these traits in my FA, but that wouldn't be enough if that alone. I admire and love the person he is. In the way someone expresses we can perceive much more of their essence than a writing skill. Then again it seems like DAs have a hard time explaining why they love someone. But they do. I know I love my FA beyond physical or mental characteristics. It's him my heart beats for, no one else. I know that 💯.
I like metaphors because I tend to suck at talking about my feelings directly, I feel like it's not right to express sadness or fear etc because it's up to me to sort that out. But when it's within a metaphor and not directly me, then yes I can recognise it is ok and valid. And therefore might spot that it is ok and valid for me also.
@@sunbeam9222 So does the metaphor give a sense of "lightness" in feeling and speech recognition? Is it like you talk about yourself, but not in the first person? It seems to me that DAs also have difficulties understanding the feelings of others. A metaphor is basically a "drawn speech". It is a speech with images. It's like drawing what you want to say.
@@sushisam3010 exactly.
@@sushisam3010 I understand feelings when they're explicitly stated only ;) if someone shows discomfort but won't say why, often times I cannot guess. And because I don't like to interpret and I don't like to push someone to express if they're not ready because I don't like it being done to me, I will let it go and there you end up with " the DA doesn't care". I do care about my partner I just cannot read feelings very well. Hope it makes sense.
Wow. Life changing. Thank you 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻.
You indeed are the spider man heart
I guess all that is one step in the right direction. I don't like to categorize things all that much, I haven't met anyone who was so on the nose; it's more like, things happen, and then you get this as a result, however you slice it.
But when he's friends with a bunch of people that hate me, and some want to hurt children (yikes) and doesn't seem keen on changing that or admitting me, well, what's the point? Like, oh, great, you love me enough to stuff me into a closet when other people are looking.
Hey, I think Alfalfa did that on the Little Rascals. You know what his problem was? He didn't care at all what Darla thought, because he didn't respect her.
He was proud of all the friends around him that kept him a little boy that never had to grow up.
You know what? There's a cute security guard that works in the building a few blocks away. Sometimes I wonder if he likes coffee, seeing as Mr. "I'm so cool for having friends that care nothing for my actual wellbeing" won't give me the time of day.
And I wouldn't care if I was committed, or even married to such a fool, actually. Because he clearly only sees dedication as a means to trap someone. I daresay, he'll respect a union he's in exactly as much as the woman in question. In that case, not at all.
(... I wonder what the security guard's name is? I should look closer and see if he has a name tag. Heh... He's so cute in his uniform. Maybe I should pretend I'm lost and ask for directions...)
I’m a Rolling Stone Briana I would be Dismissive-Avoidant.
Thank you very much
This is really helpful
Sarah Abdelhamid Thank you for sharing your feedback. I’m glad that the content has been helpful!
Thanks so much for this video!
S K Thank you for watching and for commenting. I’m glad you like the content.
Sorry, when you’re viewing the video on a phone, where do I look for the link to the checklist? Thank you!!
U press the little arrow on the right of the title and scroll down.
love this thank you!
Okay, I have a question for you all. I’m new to the world of people with Avoidant personality, and I was wondering if you could give me insight.
I have a major crush on someone who, sure enough, is making me wonder whether I should pursue them or not. They’re an acquaintance’s sibling, in their 50s, who has been living with another sibling for at least ten years.
Accomplished, smart, has hobbies, a sense of humor, behaves politely and describes themselves as “Shy”. However, they have opened up about their feelings and their interests without any external prompt, which makes them seem “not as walled-in as I thought avoidants were”. Here’s the thing:
They’re “blowing hot and then cold”. By this, I mean that they tend to disappear the day after we’ve talked more, and got to know each other better. One day, they didn’t even seem to have accessed the messaging app they use to communicate with everyone (including family and friends - I know this for a fact).
It’s as if, even in this early stage, they’re being avoidant, though when we talk, they don’t sound either avoidant or boastful. Sure, they take pride in their accomplishments, but they don’t seem to have a grandiose sense of self. No red flags pertaining to narcissism about the way they talk, but then there’s this “absence” between our interactions.
I thought that, perhaps, they may be an Avoidant, but now I’m wondering if they may actually be a Covert Narcissist playing games.
I’m just not sure what to think
Please, feel free to chime in, and if you need any clarifications, just ask. Thank you!
Looks like a dismissive avoidant to me from what you describe.
@@maximilianbatz2070 Hey there, thanks for replying. I agree. By now, they seem like a dismissive avoidant to me too.
As of February 10, 2023, the link does not work. Please republish if you can.
I get an equal % of fearful and dismissive avoidance. 🤔 how does that work 😂
Wow brilliant stuff
Thank you. The "list" link is not working.
I think I am a spice of lifer. I definitely have avoidance issues. I’m in a serious relationship with a man currently and I’m really scared learning that I probably have this issue. I really want the relationship to last and see us being together long term, but am I damaging my partner with my behavior? How do I work on myself? Can I ever fix this about myself?
You can definitely work on this. Check out Thais Gibson`s Videos as well, she had this style and managed to become secure.
do you have the titles of the books you recommend on this video?
Hello. Question. I'm a spice of life person who fell head first with a dismissive avoidant. He love bombed me, played "Dr. Phil" said he was "all in". He is 54 and I'm 38. He was separated soon to be divorced. When we hit a bump, he took off. He still talks to me if I'm the one who reaches out. He's still polite. After we broke up, he gave it 2 months before getting involved with someone. My question...is he truly dismissive or just a old dirty man whose in player mode? How can you tell?
Hi. In here for first time. But really needing some help...
Since I know my self struggle with be in relationship, because I "cannot feeling anything".
Really fighting my fear for many decades, but still even now Im in a relationship for over a year, still feel I cannot follow in love. And this thought is obcessive, and don't really alow the fellings to develop. Living in a state of anxiety for over a year, and I start to have physical simptoms...
Please anyone can help...
I know it might seem more comfortable to ask for help here as you don't have to have anybody face to face, as it might be another one of the fears... you don't know me so can't ask you to trust me, though I wish you did for now. You need to find a really good psychologist and simply talk to them for a while. There is a tabu around getting psychological help, as if one was crazy or sick in the head. It is not how it works. People go to the doctor all the time for minor or significant symptoms, for treating diseases or to simply having a blood test done, a cold checked. Same scenario with mental health. We all need help with our mental health. You might have trouble with not feeling anything when you want to fall in love, someone else might have trouble in a relationship because they are narcissists, myself I have trouble in relationships because I overly depend on them emotionally and give love and attentions disproportionally. We all have issues to solve. Since I started therapy and so my family (uncles mum and cousins), the world has changed ever since for us. Being an anxious attachment style, I have problems with my relationships too. One can either love, or unintentionally destroy those who love us.
have u ever fell in love before...can u love somone or something? if yes...maybe u r not in love with ur girlfriend....if all is no......answer....then u may need therapy to discover what trauma caused u this behaviour and work through it...to release it.....
Im dismissive avoidant, everything starts with work. You will get to know me more by working beside me than you will by trying to just hang out
Thank you for sharing a bit of your personal experience
Could you elaborate a bit? Could be really helpful!
@lorisvenegoni6013 help a dismissive accomplish tasks, show you are dependable. The dismissive you are dealing with needs to see you as an effective partner, one that can assist or lead depending on who has the knowledge. Show you can be an asset at times.
I've attempted to use a different device like other comments suggest but get an error message for the PDF link. Can anyone assist?
So it’s better to speak to Rolling Stones in metaphors? My DA or I think FA sent me 2 songs (they were sad) and said to take them literally.
S K Thank you for sharing.It sounds like this is a good illustration of what I was trying to describe.
Can you share what songs they were?
Checklist unavailable
Briana, the link to the PDF doesn't work.
The file AvoidancePDF is not available :(
Thank you! The link to the checklist doesn't work anymore :(
Barbara N Hi there, I just checked the link and it is working. You may want to refresh your page or try accessing it from a different device. Thank you for your inquiry.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment thank you! it works now! didn't work twice before - must have been a technical glitch!
Tried to download the checklist several times and it says page not found?
The checklist function is broken.
This is weird because as an ACA I see a bit of my everywhere although I have done a lot of work . Is it possible to misdiagnose yourself and take the wrong course ??
The checklist is unavailable
Hi Briana The checklist does not work :(
Your checklist is no longer available
What's the point of doing this shit? They will never change. Right?
Using the descriptors rolling stone and spice of lifer is confusing to someone new to theory. Please use the accurate terms so it is more comprehensible.
WOW!!
Why is that checklist you are using for assessing attachment style (I mean the questions)is highly focused at romantic relationships, when it's supposed to touch wide range of our day to day life and other relations as well like friendships, familyhood and related to our self???
Thank you for watching and for commenting with your inquiry. I work with this topic Specifically in relationship to romantic partners. The assessment is my personal creation for individuals that want to address it on this level. I hope that makes sense.
Starts at 3:50
The link to the checklist does not work
Yes, that offer has been disabled, since it was posted four years ago. But I recommend checking out my playlist on avoidant attachment to learn more.
Idk why im so confused by all of this. I've been researching AVPD for a month but i can't follow what you're saying lol
I haven't watched the full video yet, but based on the title she's not discussing avoidant personality disorder. She's talking about attachment styles which are different than personality disorders.
I cannot see the video I’m supposed to see at the end of this video
look under the video
Where is the PDF?
Great 🙏
The link is unavailable I click and it doesn't do anything (Windows10)
Thank you for commenting Jane A.. You can take the quiz here: bit.ly/4LuvStylesYT
Where is thé assessment?
I don’t see the test here
You are talking about people with serious psychological or emotional dis-order! We are not here to counsel or give theraphy to men. When you have attraction to someone you would want to spend time, get to know and want to be close to that person. It's a natural and normal human instincts, needs and behaviour . YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE THAT PERSON, WANT TO HAVE RELATIONSHIP. If he has fears then he shouldn't be in any kind of relationship until he gets professional help and resolves his issues. Oh, one more crucial points; when someone loves you there can't be ''FEAR'' because love is one of the strongest force on earth ..strong enough to disolve fear. If he says he has fear, don't buy it, he doesn't love you enough, he is not into you ! Simple. Don't make it complicate it. These things are very straighforward , easy to understand. life is way too short to get involve with people who have ''yeah but, no but, etc'' mind set, people who can't continue what they started off...!
Yes.... This is what I was looking for. Thank you. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. People need to do their OWN inner work before trying to be in relationships and these co-dependants need to heal themselves as well instead of trying to save these advoidants
?
Its not just for men. Its for women too.
This is so ignorant...
@@TheOne-lo4lz How does it feel to judge people for you? Just a humbl suggestion for you; when you disagree with someone, you could perhaps saying ''i kindly disagree with you'' and state your own view point. Attacking someone's point of view will not get you much further in life We have a right to positively and politely cristise people if it's constructive but no one has right to judge another human being ''I think''. / I assume you are young..its obvious..maybe in the future you will understand what i am trying to say..It's too early for you to make sense for the time being..Kind Regards..Much love dear reader.
The links don’t work for attachment test or avoidant traits.
Summer Hey there, thank you for watching and for commenting. I just tried the links and they are working. You may want to try using them on a different device.
I Luv U 😊
wtaf?! essentially labeling FAs as exploitative psychopaths without remorse is one of the most ridiculous & offensive takes i've encountered! know i'd like a couple videos from this channel previously so glad to see now what's really thought of an attachment style typically born from trauma so won't invest anymore watch time here
The pdf attachment is not working. It goes to a "404 page not found" message.
💜♾🙏🏼🕉
They need to go to therapy. It’s not the other person’s job to teach them emotional regulation
This video sounds like an infomercial...and I'm Not buying what your selling.
What if the person has every trait of an extreme DA but admits she is insecure? Is she still a DA because I thought DAs did not get insecure? She could tick off all boxes of a DA but very distrusting as she was cheated on a lot.
gary travers This person sounds more fearful avoidant, leaning towards the avoidant end of the spectrum. This video might help. It explains the dimensionality of attachment. Secure Attachment vs. Avoidant Attachment, How to Tell The Difference?
ua-cam.com/video/aoFXDmrhqdY/v-deo.html
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Thank you. I will watch it today. Amazing Work
When someone truly loves you and attracted to you, they won't have FEAR of anything! These DSM books/theories etc..don't work in real life situation.(They too mechanical, too robotic) I have phd in psychology , clinical psychology and i have also diploma, MA in psychotherapy , specialised in relationships.
You’ll want to get a refund on those degrees because it’s definitely possible to be terrified of someone you’re deeply in love with. Do some reading around BPD
@@TheOne-lo4lz remove the fear if you want love to enter.. real love is pure so fear can't exist..if it does then there might be other underlying issues needs to be looked at/analysed..to see whats causing the fear that blocks the real love..Ps; Thank you for sharing your opinion..everyone has and only true to them, you owe them, not me so i respect. I just agree to disagree though respectfully.
@@Larissa-of3qt yeah... it’s not as simple as ‘removing the fear’. some people who have experienced trauma have been biologically conditioned to have flight or fight responses in relationships that trigger past traumatic memories. you can love someone incredibly deeply but then be reminded of a past event where you loved someone deeply and they hurt you
@@Larissa-of3qt you're simplifying the complicated emotions people feel way too much. This ain't it
@@addwasabitomycoffee Yes, thats exactly what i said in my post if you read it, but incase if you didn't , let me copy and paste my exact words; ''.if it does then there might be other underlying issues needs to be looked at/analysed..to see whats causing the fear that blocks the real love..''
What Indifferent isnt a type of Emotional Avoidance? Or maybe its a Woman that doesn't have all 271 emotions in Emotional Identification.