My Poetry is BAD
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- Опубліковано 6 сер 2024
- Videos mentioned:
Bella Thorne Lyric Analysis: • The Lyrical Genius of ...
Lili Reinhart Poetry Review: • Lili Reinhart's Poetry...
Today I'm terrified to read some of my own original poetry to you guys... this stuff is all work in progress but I'd love to hear your constructive feedback so I can continue working on them :)
0:00 Intro
0:34 BAD poetry?
4:38 Why I write poetry
7:59 Poem 1
13:35 Poem 2
18:05 Poem 3
25:54 Poem 4
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The biggest UNO reverse card of the CENTURY
Do follow me for some poetry :)! @agratagupta
I genuinely clapped after her first poem, like damn
A small note on the video in general- you did a lot of disclaimers before reading, and a rule we had in my poetry fellowship was no disclaimers. If you feel the urge to say anything like "this is unfinished" "this still needs work" or "I'm not happy with.." you had to say Moew. It's a bit silly, but the point is to let your work stand on it's own. When you disclaim it makes it difficult for the audience to focus on anything other than what you are unhappy with, when your poems are amazing! If you aren't confident in your work, that's ok (I'm certainly not in mine), but you are going to be much harsher on yourself than the listener, so allowing them to form their own thoughts, unshadowed by how you feel about the work, will often incite kinder, fresher, more objective, and more helpful feedback. I still struggle with this, but remember to just say meow!
Yeah, I thought so too. The whole “the poem needs to stand on it’s own” concept doesn’t work well when you talk about your thought process and behind the scenes of making it beforehand.
yes i was literally thinking exactly this - my writing teachers had the exact same rule because it'll change how the reader feels about the piece, and when she gave the analysis of the poems (i know it's her style and its what she does!) but it kind of meant that we couldn't figure out those things for ourselves! i didn't even see some of her explanation of the poem in it because it wasn't clear enough for me,,, so all the disclaimer and explanation makes it a lot harder to formulate a wholly individual response to give feedback
Do follow me for some poetry :)! @agratagupta
You are great, thank you! This helped me a lot. ❤❤
@@Yo3j2442 What on Earth are you talking about??
First Poem:
I loved the alliteration. Like you were spitting out the words in disgust, it felt real and added a lot to the imagery. I wish the last stanza felt more powerful, because the rest of the poem felt so powerful, then broke down near the end. Maybe add more imagery, or alliteration, one last insult before you leave the, the feelings you leave them with.
Second Poem:
LOVE LOVE LOVE the graphic imagery. It felt so powerful to hear, and to read, a poem I can go back to and look at the layers multiple times, very relatable. Love the spitting out of the words, but the poem feels like it needs more purpose. I love the overall imagery, but I would love it to be more specified so I can feel like the graphic images are all wounds from different instances that lead you to the end. I agree the last line is a bit of a cliché, you could edit it by maybe saying "Blood leaking through the wounds your indifference cut". Just ideas, I think the last line should be as graphic as the other lines.
Third Poem
Again, alliteration and imagery are incredible. I think I would enjoy the poem more if the "you" was changed to maybe a natural disaster, or just in general less descriptive. The rest of the poem is so flowy that the "you" and "me" in it fell less powerful. I would love more imagery, comparing yourself to this beauty, and maybe turn the "you" into something slowly destroying that beautiful habitat. Maybe make the kids part more powerful, saying that natural disaster moved to a new habitat and broke it just like me, but in a way that was different. Describe the toxicity.
SHOW THOSE LAYERS. I love hearing you talk about the poems, but make the layers more descriptive, they can still be vague, but more prominent.
Fourth Poem:
I love this poem. I love the "Mum", it makes it feel personal. I love the 3rd person point of view, it feels special, a slice of life. I love the imagery, the description of the scene, like your focusing on those very specific parts to get away from the silence. I would love to see you write more poems like this. Honestly my favorite so far. I would love more description, maybe relate it to your later life. However, as it is, incredible. I love it a lot. It's very hard to find criticism for it, because of how much it makes me feel and how well written it is. Take this criticism with a grain of salt, because of love this poem so so much.
In Conclusion:
Your use of writing techniques is phenomenal. The poems all have a flow and feel like they are delivered with a purpose. The main thing I picked up listening and reading your poems that I find you lost in the techniques and not really let the words speak for themselves, if that makes any sense. You don't let the feelings sink in long enough before you are on to the next thing. My main advice would be to let your hurt show in your writing. Let us feel with you. This is all constructive I hope, because in all honesty I loved your poems and they are much better than what I could do, but I want you to go further because you are already so good I can't wait to see what you come up with next.
I hope you found my criticism helpful, and again I can't wait to see more of your poetry because it is good, but has even more potential, and that is so exciting.
This is AMAZING. Thank you so much!
@@RachelOates No problem! Keep writing :D
This is such a well written constructive criticism even though I slightly disagree with somethings that you have written but poetry is subjective and I really enjoyed reading your analysis.
@@ebbe2792 thank you so much! & id love to know what you thought about it & what we disagree on because part of the reason i love poetry is because it’s subjective.
@@RachelOates the difference in how you and Gabbie Hanna respond to constructive criticism says a lot about you both as people!
English professor and published poet, here!
The biggest issue I always see (even in the work of experienced poets) is Abstraction.
Basically, writers often include abstract language (love, fear, hatred, passion, good, bad, etc.) to add weight to a poem, but those words actually make poems weaker.
To make poems stronger, use physical, concrete images. These images can be metaphorical, for sure, like in your first poem, where you have the extended bomb image.
That leads into another suggestion, which is to not use too many mixed metaphors (unless that's the point, like in that Sylvia Plath pregnancy poem), and to make sure your metaphors always work on as many levels as possible.
And finally: clichés. Clichés ONLY make your poems weaker. Again, unless they're being used to prove a point (like pointing out how someone didn't actually love you because they only said "I love you" in clichés). Otherwise, stay away. (Avoid clichés like the plague, amiright?)
Overall, I think your passion and content are really great. It's the images and metaphors that I'd work on, along with the meter (which you brought up as something you wanted to work on!).
Anyway, these are well done, and I'm excited to see how you keep growing as a poet!
Completely agree
I agree. I think the problem across these poems (much less so in the last one imo) is that they give the message and not how we get there. They’re almost like the step after the poem and not the poem itself, if that makes sense? I think you, Rachel, need to trust your audience to understand the point of your poem and the techniques. The ‘fun’ of reading a poem, from the reader’s perspective, is working through the puzzle and trying to figure out the various levels of meaning. Don’t give the answer away!
Great advice!! I totally agree, especially about the concrete images. Poem 1 I think was the least concrete, and thus, the most boring/cliché sounding. I think the best poems point out extremely specific, concrete things, and let the reader determine WHY the poet is calling our attention to those things.
absolutely agreed! I'd love to check out your works too!
Goodness. That was so real I had to make sure I didn't have a paper nearby stained with test-marker red! Great to see constructive criticism.
these were lovely! this is a small thing, but the poem about the wildfire might be served better by imagery of your fingers being scorched or burnt rather than bruised and bloody
Oh great idea! Thank you!
@@RachelOates i think the alliteration could still be kept too. Like "blackened, burnt" or something similar or with another letter. idk i like the way the alliteration flows in that line so i hope you keep it!
@@RachelOates I also would write something about fire being alluring. Like, why did you get into the relationship despite the red flags? Did the warmth seduct you? Were the embers enchanting? It's just an idea
So this might be a tad hard to explain, but I noticed that you do a lot of “telling.” You have awesome descriptions/imagery and poetic techniques, but a lot of the time (for me at least) they fizzle a little bit because you’re telling the poem as if it’s a story. Of course, some poems do tell stories, but they do it differently.
I read a poem yesterday by a Reddit user that started “yesterday died a slow death / a fist unclenched / a yellow balloon circled the sun.” There we have powerful and intriguing imagery. Compare that with “My emerald green leaves will pierce the charred soil, and life will begin again.” Yours seems a bit like you’re coaching the reader. In the poem I quoted, you can feel how unwilling the day is to let go and move forward. The poet doesn’t have to say what they mean because it’s already clear. I think what can really take your poems (which are already lovely) to the next level is to work on the “showing” aspect. You definitely do “show” already, but a little more would help.
Thanks so much for sharing these with us! That can’t have been easy and I loved hearing them!
This is exactly what I thought as well. Rachel uses powerful and evocative imagery, and I think her poems will be really elevated by letting the imagery speak for itself. The fourth one was my favourite in that respect. For that poem I feel that possibly substituting 'marriage' for simply 'dinner' at the end would sustain the metaphor of the broken marriage more effectively without being on the nose, but that's just my personal opinion. Very excited to see more of your work, Rachel!
@@adavi6902 Yes! I totally agree. I like it when poets just give us the images and let them sit there - raw and unpolished. I feel like poem 1 was mostly telling rather than showing, and poem 3 also had too much telling, even amidst all the great imagery. I wish that poem 3 just described the scorched earth and fire, rather than saying "you were the fire" or "you cracked my seeds" or "i'll grow back strong" etc. The reader can figure out that you're talking about yourself and a previous partner - we don't need anyone to tell us this.
A poem that does this super well is "Rabbits and Fire" by Alberto Rios. It's one of my favorite poems of all time and I still don't even know WHY he's telling us about the rabbits and fire (I don't know if it's a metaphor for something personal in his life, or in society, or what) - but it still evokes an intensely visceral feeling of pain, fear, loss, helplessness, futility, and the cruelness of nature. Even though the structure of the poem does involve the poet "telling" us about the rabbits, he doesn't ever tell us WHY the rabbits are important, or what they're a metaphor for, or how we're supposed to interpret it, and this is the best kind of poetry, in my opinion. Check the poem out - it's so good!
I read that poem on Reddit too! It is so good.
yessss trust the reader! it's what I always remind myself when writing
I found that these are narratives with imagery. There's a place for poems like that, just as there are for pure imagery.
My advice is to not be afraid to get a little more weird with language. Get freaky! And trust your audience. I think you are definitely talented. Thank you for sharing with us.
Yes! She's obviously holding back with some of her imagery
What do you think of this?
Mad Alice
I was an illusion, the image you saw staring back at you was a broken fantasy.
Now I've found the pieces of me along the way.
Now I'm the ringleader, running this shit like a circus!
The reflection of the broken fantasy of me shattered into an million pieces. Stripped the old version down and bloomed like a marigold! Now your walking on the shattered glass of karma.
Mr. Pighead made a fool of himself trying to be the main attraction but he's just a side act!
Better move or you may blow a tire on your unicycle.
So beware.
The memory of you is a blur, don't want it back.
If you seek me out, Don't forget to walk away.
@@harleyviolet570 trippy
Really enjoyed this video,
I only wish you would consistently read your poems as they are before any backstory, context or explanation, so as to let them be first interpreted without any set perspective or bias, you know? Perhaps people might've interpreted a few of your poems to have completely different messages had we not already been told their general themes before hearing them, which would be the case if ever you plan to publish a poetry book or something of the like, so I imagine it would be useful to you to hear feedback untarnished by prerequisite knowledge of the poem. Than's all :)
Rachel: My poetry is bad.
Kyra: THEN PLAY BALL WITH ME INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
i think “killing me slowly from the inside out” could definitely be changed to something with more imagery if that makes sense
I though "devaouring (me) from the inside" would sound better!
agreed, something more potent like attacking, devouring is good, decimating, ruining
If you ever ever compare your beautiful poetry to sLeEp Is NeAt, I will positively scream
iF yOu'Re HaViNg TrOuBlE cOuNt sOmE sHeEp
I am disapp-ointed that I don’t remember those poems now.
I'm not knowledgable about poetry at all but, as an indigenous Australian, I do have some criticism for your bushfire poem:
In my opinion, I think you slightly misframed the idea of the wildfire. I don't know what it's like where you live, but in Australia, bushfires are a very necessary part of the natural cycle of the ecosystem. Without bushfires, Australia's natural landscape would not survive. In Trista's poem it says that there are plants that need the fire in order to germinate and grow. By doing this, Trista (by my interpretation) frames the bushfire as an allegory for the act of getting out of a toxic relationship. It may seem difficult and painful and hopeless now, but it is *necessary* in order for you to change and grow as a person.
Your poem, on the other hand, seems to frame the bushfire as an allegory for the toxic relationship itself. Which would've been okay, if you hadn't *also* framed the bushfire as something necessary for growth and change. In the final stanza, you use the lines, "They say there are seeds that need fire to germinate / And I think you cracked mine," which makes it sound like you're saying that the toxic relationship was necessary, even a good thing, because it's what you needed in order to grow. Which is not a healthy message to spread, that toxic relationships are okay because without it you wouldn't be able to grow as a person. I really don't think that was your intention, but that's just how it sounded to me.
Other than that final stanza, though, I really liked your spin on the whole concept. The imagery of the flowers and bees was a nice addition. But fuck, sorry this comment is so long. It was only meant to be a few lines long, but then I didn't feel like I was explaining myself well enough and now here we are I guess.
This is amazing feedback, thank you!! ❤️
First poem:
I wish there was more contrast between the “flowery” stanzas and the last stanza. The contrast could be pushed further: the animalistic, feral imagery explored more. I’d want to see less “real world” images in the first section opposing the stark reality of the last stanza to really push the structure and change a step further. This way the last stanza really packs a stark punch.
I think your little tangent about the “barren” bit and children would be REALLY good if you developed it into it’s own poem! It’s definitely too subtle in the original for anyone to see it or find it, but it’d make a fantastic poem if you dove more into the idea. I liked the rant you went on and I think you could do something fantastic with it.
I’m not sure if the “both” in the 5th line is necessary, I think the readers don’t need that to the see the correlation
I was so happy to see that you're posting a video... I hope you are okay with everything that is happening. Sending lots of love and support!
i don't know about the word tumble for the stitches in the second poem. putting stitches into things, they dont tumble. stitching requires weaving, requires sharp things, requires knots. thread to make stitches unwinds so it can be sewed. it unravels. thread is pulled. it is cut. it is stabbed. it may fall, slipping out of where it's meant to be as it takes a strange path to the ground, or to your lap. there is a precision to a stitch, or a certain disappointing chaos in even a messy one. messy, careless stitches slip, and knot, and tangle. they're uneven, and big. medical stitches especially, i feel require more structure and precision, and painful placement, than the word "tumble" grants them in this poem. a more precise word for the unhelpful mess he made could be of use, i think. anything can tumble from a person's lips. what does a stitch do? other than that, i quite like it.
also i do think you could do a more creative last line. that poem has some wonderful, disgusting imagery. very physical. very medical. that tangibility should not be dropped at the last second. i dont know what being slowly killed feels like. its too broad to imagine. there needs to be a name to the feeling. where is the source of the death? where on the inside of your body is it radiating from? what do you consider slow? months? weeks? days? you don't need to put the actual unit in the poem of course, but i think you can get a bit more exact than slowly. i really like this poem. i would love to see kind of a side by side of it more free form similar to it now versus how it would function as a sonnet. it would make an amazing sonnet. but this structure also works so well.
Oof, I've never had the courage to share my painful childhoodpublically. You're so brave.
And holy crap that last poem was BRILLIANT.
Like for real for real, not just the message being eloquently shared but the euphony rhythm flow etc.
Oh but, this is absolutely arguable. And could just be a difference in how we use English or maybe its a flow thing? Im not sure but, I like the way "a marriage long since [gone] cold" sounds. Super arguable point, just mentioning for the helluvit in case u happen to agree.
ok now I'll try to give some actual feedback the best I can:
Poem 1.
this might be a nitpick but in the third stanza ... I think the "AND" would work better as the beginning of the third line than the end of the second in this case.
kinda brakes the tempo you read it IMO
Poem 2
I have no comment on that I love it
Poem.3
I'd go with "wildfires" instead of "forest fires" and
I think" Burt and lifeless branches" instead of "Black burnt"
... sounds more picturesque to me
The last verse .... Masterstroke
Poem 4.
the only thing I'd slightly change here is the ending
I'd put long since in a separate line to make the poem seem a little longer and show the length of this failed marriage
Maybe instead of killing me slowly from the inside. You could change the imagery to "Tearing its way to my heart like a malicious stab" not really sure of the wording
In the first poem, the only thing I would change is removing a word. Take “breaking point” and leave it just as “breaking”.
That first poem, Rachel, love it - you could actually end the last couple of lines by carrying on the pattern, to tie it in more fully. ‘Is it really love / as I packed my bags / is it really / closed the door / is it? / walked away’ - something like that!
That's a wonderful idea!!
I like your poems. I am a huge poetry lover and I've been writing myself for many years. Honestly, I have a weird relationship with English poetry (I mean in English), because in my native language poetry traditions are slightly different, and I mean the language sounds drastically different. Poetry is the kind of art that makes you feel the specific use of language with every inch of your body and soul; every word matters, it's the most concentrated literary form. I'm used to a more "technical" and academic English, so at times it is hard for me to perceive its creative forms. That being said, I really liked your poems. I think they are very emotionally powerful and the language flows just great. Well done and hope one day you will release your own book
What's your native language? cause even I feel a little less connected with English Poetry in it's creative forms. Not to say that it isn't beautiful, it's just that the language really makes a difference. When I read a Ghazal in Urdu it definitely has more impact on me.
@@metaphorsunfurled I feel the same way about Persian (middle eastern) poetry in general. I love them, they feel deeper and more.... intense. I feel like they deliver the message so beautifully. But english poetry doenst feel that way. It always feels too simple compared to middle eastern poetry (both could be very very beautiful). Maybe its bc we grew up with it so we resonate with it more.
In the poem about the fire: these two lines have metaphors/similies that explain instead of show.
"I saw myself reflected back..."
"You were the fire that burnt through me..."
I think you could push yourself to rewrite those with more direct imagery, trusting your audience to make that connection without it being obvious. Like, maybe in this forest devastated by a fire there is a mirror and you literally see your reflection, see your limbs smoldering, and then describe how the forest is not the same, and how you are not the same. I love the other lines!
Even your bad poems are better than my best ones so I WILL ALWAYS BE IMPRESSED BY YOUUUU!
Second poem: I love ‘stitches tumbling’ image especially. Could it finish with the consequences of the infection? Does it require amputation, some kind of intravenous medicine? Obvs the amputation could be a useful image for getting rid of a toxic ex... but maybe sounds a little too final; maybe you’re still left with phantom limb pain.... Maybe follow it and see where it goes? I agree the last line lacks punch. It could make a very cool sonnet. Also, if you’re talking about infidelity, I’d urge you not to waste the possibilities of ‘foreign bodies’...
I absolutley loved the last poem about your family and your childhood, the imagery was so powerful and you achieved what you wanted to do which was make it as relatable to everyone as possible. I agree that people don't like to talk about their childhood traumas, so you sharing that with us was such a beautiful thing to hear and you could really see the thought and effort you put into that one. As for the other two they were much better than other poems that you have read on your channel, I just think that the category of "love" has been done so many times that they didn't cannect with me as much as other poems have. Overall I can really tell how much passion you have for poetry as a whole, and for that I commend you.
Poem one:
I like the idea of this poem and this is a personal preference, but I think really going more into one style of imagery does make the poem feel more cohesive. It seems like each stanza you use a different imagery theme which can work, but for this I think choosing one main image might help. I particularly like the wolfish aspect in the first stanza. I think going into like, you fear losing them and slowly you realize you’re in love with a wolf (metaphorically) is a cool idea. I do really like the stripped away aspect of it, as you slowly realize, it becomes less of a poem each stanza.
Poem Two:
I really like this one. I’m a huge fan of grosser, more gothic style imagery in poetry. I think only using longer lines make it more slow and drawling, maybe tru varying lines to play more with rhythm? Otherwise, your imagery is great in this one.
Poem three:
Nitpicky, but I think the world destructive is redundant, and really, the first line in general could be cut in my opinion.. I think opening with the mystery of what happened, and then bringing in the reflection of burnt trees and all that would be so powerful. I’m not a huge fan of some of the descriptions, like majestic bird and emerald green, something just sounds stilted and almost spoon fed to the reader. I like the idea a lot, starting with a barren landscape and moving towards beauty.
Poem Four:
Favorite poem by far. The imagery is much more concise and meaningful, paints the perfect scenery, I can feel the bleakness and the grime of it all. I think the only think I would change is not saying ‘she alone’ and just saying ‘she’ (nitpicky I know). But otherwise, I really love this one.
OVERALL:
I really like your poems, maybe experiment more. i think the foundation of the poems is really good, but some of your descriptions are a little basic and also feel very flowery and unneeded. But the talent is def there.
Yeh the wolf idea is really interesting in terms of how it could imply transformation
Fair enough, appreciate this. Also kinda gives another level of respect to you 💕
Let’s be real...
Nothing can be as bad as Gabbie Hanna’s poetry
Edit: Because some people can’t figure this out on their own, I’m talking in terms of POETRY. Not social issues. 🤦🏽♀️
allergies?
@@PeoplecallmeLucifer yeah, allergies are pretty bad.
this comment would fit among gabbie's poetry AS a poem of her lvl, you just need to add some basic drawing on the side
@Alyssa Rowe Yeah, good point, like a crumb to an ant. Or wait. An ant's crumb to an ant.
@Alyssa Rowe Jeez, everyone needs to chill. I’m talking in terms of poetry. This video isn’t about social issues, it’s about poetry.
I spent around two or four years writing poems to get a poem that is Poetry. The fundamental elements That helped me to Poetry writing development were Reading the classics, Reading about Poetry structures and figuratives Language and, of course, to do and aply all this in the writing. Writing, rewriting until It is well formated.
That first poem gave me GOOSEBUMPS. It was... insanely beautiful. I’m not a poet so I don’t know how to critique it or if it even can be improved, but this humble, casual poetry reader ADORED IT!!! You were so brave to share this but I’m so so so glad you did
I am so moved and in love with the last poem you shared. I really felt like I was there when you were reading it. Please share more in future videos! I love hearing what you've created. So inspiring!!
Hi Rachel! Fellow poet here! I enjoyed the 4th poem the most. The rythm was good and the imagery was powerful. I would actually recommend that you expand it, tell us the rest of the story. Does the child feel responsible? Is there any recognition for cleaning up? I want to know more.
As for the rest of them, I would like to see you show and not tell so much. I feel you overexplain the metaphors. ex. You were the fire... in poem #3. A bit too on the nose.
I agree the 4th was my favourite too but personally I wouldn't make it longer (that's just my opinion though)
I am absolutely blown away by this! You're such a great poet and I love to see how your mind works. Would love to see a part two
Third poem - couple of words that could be more focused: “reflected” (I know it’s pedantic but reflection makes me think of water, the opposite vibe for what you’re going for! - maybe think about heat haze and how it can obscure vision, create mirages, maybe a mirror of heat haze showing you yourself, something like that?)
I’d also consider changing “magenta” to scarlet or some other bright red, for the danger & fire undertones. Unless you’d like to keep it your old hair colour, obvs!
I like the bruised bloody fingers! Maybe consider shifting ‘nourishment’ for ‘hydration’..?
Tiny semantic shifts but might unlock some clearer imagery? 💕
Also, you def shouldn’t be nervous about these!
I think a lot of my criticism is just a regurgitation of things I've seen other commenters already say, but to try to summarize my thoughts as a whole:
1) play with language and form more. one commenter said to show and not tell, and another said to not be afraid to get weird. I think a combination of those two pieces of advice would really work wonders. don't worry as much about your poem being cohesive or about the reader understanding the background of what's going on. instead, let the emotion of the words tell its own story and portray what you're feeling without it having to be spelled out directly to us. I agree with a lot of the other commenters that your fourth one is my favorite and the best example of this application. on a similar note, a lot of first-time poets feel like their poem has to have some clear and intended meaning or theme or story. that's not always the case (although there usually is at least some purpose, of course). try writing poetry just for the sake of language, just for the sake of the transformative process. it's not all about describing a feeling accurately, sometimes it's about taking something that has no accurate or defined meaning or description and creating one solely from the way the words feel to your ears and look to your eyes. throw together words that don't form a coherent thought but make you feel something when paired together. I think you definitely try at that in some parts, but I'd love to see an extension of it (or more defined application) rather than just peppering it in-between more clear-cut narration for the sake of "decorating" the piece.
2) commit to the idea/push further with your stylistic choices. in your third poem, the first stanza contains a lot of good alliteration that helps elevate the language from mere narration and description. phrases like "black burnt branches" draw the reader in, but then the excitement fizzles out in the following stanzas. there's less alliteration and technique, and the form gets somewhat repetitive and dull. it feels like a list of descriptive ideas that popped in your head, but weren't filtered through or picked apart to benefit the poem as both a concise and whole piece.
3) ask yourself if the poem has been done before/if what you're writing adds something new and unique to existing poetry. just because it applies to you and may be a good description of what you're feeling doesn't mean it's unique to you. the feelings you're experiencing have probably been felt (and subsequently described in poetic form) thousands of time before by thousands of different people, so writing poetry (for the purpose of being read) has to mean writing something different. obviously it's impossible to be completely original and unique, and obviously your poetry is always going to share some characteristics of others, but as a creative you have to strive to make a lasting mark in at least one small way or another. that's not to say you haven't done that, but I do think some of the poems here feel derivative, particularly the first one. that's a shame because it's one of the poems here that have a more unique and interesting attempt at form, but it's somewhat dulled by the predictability of the contents. that said, I think this one contains a lot of promising lines and the groundwork here is definitely something that is worth revisiting. a possible solution is to cut out the fluff and filler. in many instances, you don't need to say as much as you're saying to get the point across and less may actually be more when you're dealing with such common experiences and feelings. again, this is also where the "weirdness" can come in. rather than trying to relate something realistically or seriously, put your descriptions through a kaleidoscope and see what comes out. write them as if they were in a muddied pool with ripples blurring parts and moving them about. when reading poetry, we don't want to see detailed experiences verbatim in a clear mirror like we see them every day, we want to peak at something we think they may recognize but take a step back and see it as something totally distorted and unfamiliar (and therefore interesting). make the reader look longer, make them question things, make them stay and take their time piecing things together. that's what's fun, and ultimately where we find the most meaning and revelation.
finally, even though you're very open and inviting of criticism, I know it can be frustrating to be told things you already know and I know a lot of what I've said are things you've probably already questioned in yourself and are already working on, so don't let the criticism bog you down. listen to your instinct, because I think you have a good grasp of what good poetry should be and where yours may fall short in some places. grab a hold of those things you really like in your poetry and find ways to expand upon that and include more of it so you're working from a constructive place rather than just seeing the whole as "not enough" or focusing too hard on the things you could be doing better. also know that not every piece of criticism is something that is right for you or should be followed necessarily. it's good to be open to criticism but you also have to have a strong enough voice in your style to know when to stand up for your own work and say no, I like what I've done there (at least in some places). so with everything that I've said, there's a caveat of *only if it doesn't go against your creative vision*
You asked for comments, so I hope my thoughts here (as a fellow writer) are helpful to you. It's just some little notions of what you can do to improve your poem drafts and, of course, you can take whatever of my advice suits you best. But know that I just want you to be able to write the stories *you* want to tell (as poetry or otherwise), as best you can. :)
So, onto my thoughts...
POEM ONE: This is a solid draft, but it definitely falls into the amateur mistake of storytelling: it tells the reader what they *should* be seeing in the moment, rather than presenting the images and letting the reader put the pieces together for themselves. And I agree with another person here who said that the final bit didn't have a strong finale. The piece doesn't seem to end, but instead just... kinda stops. On a rewrite, I might go with something a bit stronger, building up the tension in every line, and ending with a simple understated line as a sort of final punch to the gut. Perhaps, something like:
"Is it really love?
I wonder, heart pounding in my chest through shaky breath.
Hands tremble as I pack my bags; weight lifting, shifting on my shoulders,
And the door clicks shut behind me."
Granted, my off-the-cuff notion here is a tad more prose-y than poetry, but... the general idea is there, and it's based on what you've written in your draft. Just focus on the rule of "show, don't tell", and it'll shake out into a much richer piece.
POEM TWO: I would recommend re-reading Shakespeare's Sonnet 147 ("My love is as a fever, longing still / For that which longer nurseth the disease...") to get a sense of how it could work, both as a sonnet and with the topic of an unhealthy relationship imagined as a terrible illness. And, yeah, the "killing me slowly from the inside out" line is definitely cliché, so I'd go with a visual that implies dying/death with the "disgusting" sense that you wanted to convey, perhaps something like:
"And as this fever clings to my blackened and festering skin,
I choke on my own blood as your lies stab each artery."
Basically, taking the clichés of "you're killing me" and "you're breaking my heart" and twisting them into something far more visceral. So yeah, for this one? If you've got shocking imagery in mind, don't pull your punches -- take it as far as it can go, and own the hell out of it.
Some readers might react with disgust, but the ones you want to stick around will appreciate that you were ballsy enough to really go there... and it'll be a more satisfying read, for those who can stomach it.
POEM THREE: There's the same problem here as in the previous two; you're pulling your punches, and telling rather than showing. For an example specific to this one, instead of the vague line "And now they're all gone" you could instead try punching up the imagery with something like:
"And now white, brittle bones are all that remain."
So there's now a question in the reader's mind: Is this land you're describing truly destroyed and empty?
That way, when you get to the stanza of life renewing, the reader *feels* it and breathes a sigh of relief that, no, the earth is not barren. There *is* life here.
POEM FOUR: This is actually very good as a late-stage draft. I'd recommend setting it aside and trying not to look at or think about it for awhile (like, at least a month), so you can go back to it later and look at it again with fresh eyes. Once you do, then you might be able to see where the remaining problems lie.
The issue with this poem that immediately stands out to me is its ending; it's, yes, another telling-not-showing bit. Instead of having "She alone picks up the pieces of a marriage, long since cold", you could replace that too-literal bit with a shattered plate, perhaps? Or something similarly damaged, that illustrates the brokenness of the marriage? Like, for example:
"The little girl picks up
The shards of the fallen crockery
That her mother was given
On that long-forgotten wedding day."
Because weddings are generally happy affairs. Stressful? Sure, but usually very happy. So, the happiness of that day is now "forgotten" and a wedding gift is now ruined beyond repair... appropriate symbols of a thoroughly miserable marriage. And the child is left to pick up the pieces, risking harm to herself in the process (something no child should be responsible for, ever). Also, if you want, adding the image of the cracked window in the cold (and maybe dark?) bedroom would really punch this up too (when you mentioned it during the discussion part, the mental image of that window really stuck in my head).
These are just my thoughts, of course. I hope I was able to help you out, in some small way. Good luck on your writing! :)
Very nice analysis!
Great analysis!
THATS SO GOOD RACHEL!! I loved the idea of the sentence disappearing, fantastic. Don’t be too harsh on yourself! I loved it
I like both your poems and the one you were inspired by for example Gum Trees. I liked your descriptions better but also I think I prefer the form where the meaning of the metaphor is added at the end like the "I can start over after you" line. Before it I could only wonder what the imagery means. I think the main problem with your poetry is actually outside of poetry because I would rather have explored the meanings of your poems on my own but you explained what they mean right after them. I didn't have time to find my own meaning in them but I also get that you probably didn't wanna be misunderstood as this is the first time you're sharing your work for real. Proud of you
Parts of your poems feel more like prose with heavy imagery. You could hone in on this by writing poetry in prose form, like Oscar Wilde sometimes did. For writing in verse, however, I’d recommend you be more open-ended and abstract with some of your language and metaphors. It almost feels like the story aspect of the poems is holding you back, so I’d say just let yourself be weird and focus more on the emotions than telling a cohesive narrative, because the reader can fill in gaps to make the poetry fit their own experiences. That’s why I feel that the last poem is the best. Anyways, I loved this video and hope to hear more poems from you in the future :)
I am writing really, really bad poetry but I wish I could show someone, so this way I could get better.
You can be proud about sharing and also about your writing♡
I'm sure this will be amazing to read - I'm so excited for it! Thank you.
I love these! Add some titles to them though you can pack so much punch with a good title. Really nice job putting yourself out there it’s so scary!
i really really loved this video! your poems make me feel less alone, i’m very excited to read more of your work in the future!
Oh gosh! So lovely to hear some of your own poetry! Poem 4 was my favorite - it was the most visceral, and I think this was partly because the language was the least flowery and least descriptive of the poems you shared. I feel like this helped get the emotion across more clearly. Sometimes I think simple is better when it comes to poetry - too many adjectives can make it sound amateurish at times. Anyway, thank you so much for sharing! I admire your courage to put your own work out there for others to critique!
you sharing your art and having such an open dialogue is so helpful as someone who is new to poetry! even reading through a few comments has taught me something new
This was a great video! Loved the insight of your mind and what you have been thinking about and working on🥰
I bet it isn’t!
I hope you’re doing well girl! I love your channel and you’re in my thoughts ❤️
In the third poem, I think “I see myself in the” instead of “I see myself reflected in the” could be good! It is a bit less hand holding, and takes the reader’s eye directly to the scene, to explore what it is for themselves.
big respect to you for putting yourself out there like this. it was clear how uncomfortable you were at first and I applaud you for pushing through and committing to such a scary and vulnerable thing. you've got a great attitude about criticism, and how if you're giving it, you should be open to receiving it about your own work. I really appreciate this video :)
I like the twist and story of your first poem a whole bunch. Absolutely, there are places where rhythm and pacing can be improved, but as far as the core concept, intent, and twist, I think you're golden. For your second poem, I do agree that the last line is a bit of a cliche, but I think to make it feel fresh all you'd really have to do would be swap out the word "killing" with another, more visceral synonym. "Rotting" was the first one that came to my head, but I think you use that word previously. So really, there are plenty of options, whatever feels right for you.
Slowly leeching the last drops of blood from my veins, was another one that popped into my head.
I ADORE the repetition of the "b" in two adjacent words in the last three lines of the first stanza. I do wish that was carried through an entire stanza, as it feels so clever but is undermined and made to seem almost accidental by the first two lines not following that pattern. Also, the "bugs and bees" line is good, but I think it needs to be tied to the metaphor a little tighter, something that applies to both the friends and the animals comment, something like "surrounded by life, involved in the multitude of conversations, willing to communicate within myself and with others" that's terrible and not poetic AT ALL, but hopefully you see my point.
That last one, I have no notes, it hit me really hard. My environment growing up wasn't volatile or toxic, but as someone whose parents just recently divorced, after the months, years really, of all of us trying to pretend the cracks in their relationship weren't there, it hit hard.
i don’t have anything to add except to comment that i loved the “she, alone, picks up the pieces of a marriage, long since cold” because it was the only relatable one to me. i think my writing loves to have ending lines that punch you in the throat that way, so i soared when i read this from you. it truly puts bella thorne entire writing career to shame. but know you’re really inspiring as a person already, the poetic persona is just a bonus. i’m glad you’re ok 😊
Maybe every time you film a video Kayra just thinks you’re talking to her :)
I just wanted to say that I really appreciate how open and vulnerable you are in this video and the poems you read. I love so many of your videos but I think this became my favorite.
I took a poetry class in college last year, so I can try to give constructive feedback from what I've learned. Also I do the same thing with my poems by writing what I'm feeling first and then editing to make it translate better to other people. Here's my feedback:
Poem 1
I loved the imagery and the alliterations you used throughout this poem. I loved the concept of taking one word off each start of the stanzas to change the context of the sentence, I thought those were really interesting techniques. The cracked egg shells in the third stanza could be replaced with something different, maybe? Maybe tie it in with the porcelain imagery somehow? Just to subvert the cliche , but I still think it works in the poem well. Overall I thought this was a genius idea, and I thought the idea of chipping away was really good!
Poem 2
I liked how graphic this one was and how it made me uncomfortable. I think it really pushes the unsettled emotions well with graphic imagery, which unsettles the audience in the same way the narrator is unsettled and hurt by the toxic relationship. While the last line is a little cliche,I think the poem somewhat subverts it by elaborating what it means to be destroyed from the inside out. Also I think making it a sonnet would be really cool because sonnets are traditionally "love" poems and this one is a toxic love.
Poem 3
I liked the alliterations with the b sound in the poem, and the nature imagery. I really liked the burnt trees and the comparison to fingers idea. I also think this poem is a good metaphor for growth. Like nature and the earth you are strong and resilient and can regrow where damage is done. My best friend was in a toxic narcissistic relationship not too long ago, but today she has grown and learned about what love really is and means. I believe in you and that you'll grow stronger too!
Poem 4
I really liked this poem and how real it felt. I thought this one was really powerful especially with the different uses of sound and imagery and textures. I think adding different sensations other than just imagery is a good technique because it brings the audience into the scene I think it's hard to share things and talk about things that effected us as kids and try to grow from them especially when we don't realize how much they did effect us. And that's something I've struggled to do too, as well as a lot of people. I think it's a very relatable poem for many people.
I hope this feedback was helpful! I love your content and poetry and I hope you have an awesome day 😎!
Hi Rachel! I loved all of the poems and, while I am by no means a poet, I do have a couple critiques for your first poem.
1) You seem to establish this pattern of starting your stanzas (after the question part) with I then You then I then You, but then you go off and start with “You” three times in a row. I think the pattern is really cool and demonstrates how disorienting and confusing it can be to be in a relationship like that, and how you never know whether to trust your side of the story or your partner’s. I think it would be a very easy fix, really keeping some more consistency and adding another layer of meaning to the poem.
2) The concept for this poem is amazing, but it just ends so abruptly (to me at least). I imagine getting out of that relationship was not as easy as simply packing up and walking away, so I think you could kill two birds with one stone and extend your theme of removing one word out just a little more. If the poem ended with:
Is it really love?
Is it really?
Is it?
I think it would help greatly is showing that you really had to overcome your own doubts and it was a journey to get out of this situation. Of course you could add some more lines in there like
Is it really love?
I ask myself, sobbing on the bathroom floor from another week of torture and regret
Is it really?
I ask myself, as I finally pick myself up, resolving to rid myself of you.
Is it?
I asked myself one last time,
Packed my bags
And walked away
(I know I broke my first suggestion here but I really like the parallel structure and meaning behind only focusing on using I rather than you)
Anyways sorry for the really long comment. Once again I loved all of the poems, and thanks so much for sharing them! I’d love to see more
Woah, it takes a lot of courage to share your poetry like this! I respect you for it
Thank you for sharing! I'm very new to the world of poetry (a slow progression from your gabbie hanna videos to actually learning how it works and attempting it myself), so I don't have much to offer as far as constructive criticism, but it was wonderful to see some of your own work. My personal favorite is the one with the bushfire analogy, and I appreciate your vulnerability and your desire to improve!
Also, it's really useful for me as a newbie to hear your explanations of your own work in terms of word choice, phrasing, structure, etc. I have a bit of a hard time discerning whether something is intentional in other people's poems -- or any art form, really -- so the breakdowns help!
It's so so good to see you!.
the last one is my favorite, so cool of you to share your poetry!
Is it weird if I mostly use your videos as background noise? Like, I pay attention but sometimes I just use these along with the occasional audiobook. Seriously, you could read the back of a shampoo bottle and it would be relaxing and help me focus on the task at hand. I know its just talking but I do everything from fixing vehicles to filling out tedious paperwork with your videos playing. Its a relaxing voice and it catches my mind and doesn't let me wander into rabbit holes, I get distracted a lot.
haha, genuinely.....thank you for rambling. It is a big help for me. If you ever want to read a really really long book then let me know, maybe something spooky or even a dictionary. Keep the videos coming.
I've only watched your intro and idk if you'll see this but I really wanted to say that YOU ARE A POET. You said something like, 'I'm just a poetry lover' but that, miss, is wrong. I'm a creative writing student and the first thing they always tell us: if you write you are an author. Period. It may take a while to write real good, and it's crucial to know your weaknesses and be critical, but as long as you write poetry you are a poet. (Not to say that the peeps who publish rubbish are good poets and I don't think they should be published.) Using language like that is super affirming and in my experience, it has made me so much more confident in my abilities and encouraged me to take myself more seriously. YOU ARE A POET WOMAN.
This video was lovely. :) Im not good at poetry since I can fully admit Ive never liked reading it or having to annotate them, but I thought yours were so good. :) I appreciate the vulnerability and the real work that goes into all of them, and this was a lovely way to get more acquainted with you. ❤
Great video, I love your channel. Stay strong and please keep up the good work.
Love the 4th one! You’ve Captured the scene so vividly.
I’m a poetry reader and lover. I’ve only just started to become interested in the technical structure after watching your videos.
Poetry has (for me) always been more about strong feelings and the emotions invoked, it’s a personal connection and those shared experiences & vulnerabilities.
Here are some notes I took while listening. Adore your content. Brings me out of the hard and sad I am in right now and helps me feel like a little kid who just loves poetry again while my current self is also heard and recognized. Thank you for what you do. I think you should totally publish a poetry book someday! I am working on one myself but I need more critiques on my poems lol Help anyone??
1. Oh my word Rachel. Your first poem hit me so hard when you said is it really love if you dont fear? threw me into the position. It was vivid from there. amazing. very good pacing. I wished you had added more things like the click cling click of my claws part because it really makes it sound like terror.
2. I do think putting this into a more traditional style and maybe cleaning the rythmn a bit to make it feel more quick and painful like a wound and then festering more at the end would make it feel more striking because this one doesnt strike me as much as the first one. I get what you are saying in the video but I think the narrative you are telling could be interpreted to mean that the wound is what killed rather than how painful the additional false apology is which seems to be the focus of the concept of the poem in my eyes. If you focus the narrative as I mentioned above it could make it instead to where the narrative shows that when you wound someone if you dont really try to fix it, if you dont treat it as the wound it is eventually broken bonds are totally unmendable because sometimes bonds can be repaired but not when done that way.
3. I feel my experiences in your third poem and it was nice to get that seed metaphor as the survivor in the end. it kinda shocked some hope into me. Id really like to see the process of losing expanded on and bring the emotions of losing the real life things you mentioned. It will avoid telling what you mean but make the reader FEEL what you mean because until you said I didnt understand fully the depth of those lines. I just thought that it was generally loss of life and wellbeing and nourishment and so I think digging into those loss experiences and how quickly or slowly they each happened or how he slowly stole them could really help I think.
4. I have also felt intense shame at feeling literally ANY emotion different from those I love. It is a very mundane but sad and painful vignette. In fact now I want to create little poem vignettes of my life because people try to tell me I didnt see, but I DID SEE and I DID FEEL IT too. I should tell the stories in all their little fragmented pieces as they come to me and remind me of their existence. good bad and life transforming all together in between a single cover.
I wish for a place of my own as well and cannot wait to have the money to move away and find my place. Thank you for being you. I like being able to see another perspective of a wonderful and powerful woman
you’re definitely a subconscious type writer and when you write from emotions it’s raw and relatable for those who’ve been through it. i will say i adore you’re poetry because it speaks to me
You are SO talented and I am so grateful for finding you. Thanks for making me go back to my passion, which os writing. If it weren’t you, I would not have realized that. Stay strong, we are here for you ❤️ Also, sorry if I messed up on this message, English is not my first language 😅
I hope that you are doing better Rachel! I'm not very good at poems, but I think yours are really good.
I really loved the last one! Although I didn't experience that personally, I feel like I got a really clear picture of what that was like
Rachel please do more reading your own poetry videos. These thirty minutes isn't enough for my poetry needs!!
I'm so happy to see you like this, I hope you are safe and good. ❤❤❤
I've been loving all your poetry videos and have started writing poetry after watching you talk about it so much. Thanks for opening that creative door for me.
As a nervous poet myself, I wanted to quickly say that this is *insanely* brave to put yourself in the open like this! I should probably leave something more substantive here, but you’re your own worst critic, so take a bit of love and appreciation here lol
✉️ 💨 ❤️
(And I would love to hear more of your writing)
First of all, the strength you show in being vulnerable about your own life experiences like this is inspiring. I don't think I could speak about certain things out loud like you do. However, this only gives them more power over us, so I admire you.
Secondly, the fourth poem genuinely made me tear up. I felt the child's confusion, loneliness, helplessness and pain in those lines. I wouldn't change a single thing.
Only remark I feel like making, and I believe someone else mentioned it: the last stanza in the first poem, while I understand you not wanting to use metaphors to just describe reality as it is (packing the bags and leaving) might be more powerful if it was shorter than that, with a final clear-cut phrase like the very decision of leaving that you're finally making... something that punches the reader in the gut with the same realization you had. Something along the lines of
Is it love...?
I say,
As I say goodbye.
Other then that, I am glad you made this video. I have been reading The Ode Less Traveled because of you suggesting it and it was just wonderful to find your channel.
big love and respect for you making yourself so vulnerable here. thank you so much for this
I think your first poem is to obvious . It is too "in your face".
I'm far from being a poetry expert (or even much of a poet tbh), but even I could tell that your poems were leagues better than the usual bad YT 'poetry' on this channel! Keep up the good work Rachel, and hope things get better for you (and Kyra too!)
Okay so
I really loved the narrative you've made for poem one, i feel like it's good for making people know what it's like to be in a toxic relationship. The thing with removing the words from the lines is really clever and helps the story too.
Poem 2 is impressive to me as i'm not able to write graphic images in my own poetry, but you've done it really well, i also agree on the last line, you definitely can improve it to be more interesting, especially since it's the last line of the poem.
The idea to make it into a sonnet is great and i reccomend it as a form of revision - i often rewrite the poem in a different form in another draft as an experiment and a writing excersise and it can really give you some fantastic ideas. However, if you do it, keep the current draft to see if you like it better than the sonnet form. If you make it into a sonnet, please, remember about the turn that's supposed to happen in sonnets. It can make a poem really interesting.
Poem 3 seemed like the weakest one for me, i like the image, and it's wonderful that you can take someone's work and relate to it on such a personal level (to me it's what's wonderful about art) but i don't see any new ideas besides your personal story being brought into it, causing the image to sorta fall flat. However, it's still not a bad poem.
Poem 4 i think could be improved a bit with experimenting with stanza breaks. It was really moving, too.
Overall, i like the way you construct metaphors (especially in the poems 1 and 2) and it's really great that you seem to know pretty well where you need to improve - i feel like it's thanks to the fact that you read a lot of poetry.
Other thing you could also consider is titles - they often can add another layers of meaning to a poem. I would also like to see you writing on a wider variety of topics. Overall, well done, and it really shows that you put work into them.
Hi Rachel, so good to see you 🌾
This is really amazing! I'm not an expert on poems or anything like that but my humble and simple-minded feedback is that I really felt a lot of emotions and could relate to some of them on a deeper level. I feel like they have depth and I don't get everything by only listening to them ones and I love that! Keep going, you actually are good at this! Especially for a "beginner', I'm really looking forward to seeing what you'll do in the future :)
I also love that you're so open to constructive criticism, I wish I could give you some but I'm sure I am way worse at this than you are :D
Damn I never thought of using music as inspiration for poetry ( always looked at it the other way round ) well done . Hope things are getting better 😎👍
Also: some of this was hard to hear.... and not get angry ... but such is life and inspiration.
Your first poem really hit me as it could describe perfectly my last 3 relationships. My exes never hit me, but they never needed to. The manipulation, gaslighting and infidelities were enough. No, they never loved me. The "pushing through paper thin boundaries" really sums it up.. intense fear of rejection and being left makes me extremely vulnerable to abusive , narcissistic partners. Over and over and over.
Thanks for sharing! I know it is difficult to open up and share yourself with the world. Excellent poetry, emotional.
I appreciate the honesty, the vulnerability, and the fearlessness shown here. It helps me to better understand the reasons behind my own recent writing. So thank you.
Your poetry is amazing 🙄
Omg the fourth one!! Ooooft! The only thing I’d change is the ‘loud silence’ image as it’s a little cliched IMO. But the rest? The internal rhyme? The consistent imagery? LOVE.
I think that your poems sound really rich. Like the way you read them and the strong words you are using just create a beautiful message with empowering images. I really enjoyed them and I’m happy you stepped out of you comfort zone (?) and shared your poetry❤️
More poems please! I'd love to hear them!
Overall, I think these poems are very good 👍 I can tell you put a lot of thought into them and that you're looking to take them to the next level😌
One criticism I have is that I think there's a little too much telling in the last stanza of the 3rd poem with the fire germinated seeds. I think that can be implied instead of told.
The fourth poem is the strongest in my opinion because it has the strongest imagery & really sticks in your mind.
If you want to try to revise these, 2 of my favorite revision techniques are: 1. printing out a poem and cutting the lines individually and rearranging them
2. Making a list of verbs that relate to an activity that works with a theme you're going for, then replacing each verb in the poem with one from the list
I really enjoy your work and I look forward to your next video😊
well I hope you see this Rachel .. this is the poem I was talking about
_
**\Feather of glass/**
We just kept watching.
Like many a time before.
As the flame kept twitching,
And my eyes grew sore.
And then,
Silence,
Disbelief,
Horror.
We stood in front of the ash pile for hours.
Night turned to day and night once again.
And under the palest of moons came the glistening rain.
I was the first one to move,
to dig through the pile of ash.
There was nothing left behind,
But a feather that shines like glass
So that’s the last trace of the phoenix
The only goodbye we get
A regular pile of ash
And a feather I wear in my hat
_
AS I said it's a part of a fantasy world building series I'm working on
First to say that Im not a critiquer at all , just saying the impression.
Ive written 5 poems in total. In a year.
So
a lot of the parts sounds a bit like a story rather than poem.Like a combination of both.
beyond the first two paragraphs.
I would for example put sonething like
the first one to move
to dig through the ashen pile
Nothing left behind
but a feather
yadada
I wouldve built it differently personally.
Please dont take this too seriously and just continue working
Integrate any parts you may like here
Im not a "critiquer"
and nor are most folk here
@@lil_weasel219 hey no worries. I appreciate the feedback.
I loved everything except for the last line. It felt a bit out of place. But the rest is amazing! (i'm in no way an expert, this is just my opinion)
@@TejashreeMurugan fair enough ... I appreciate the feedback
You're a brave soul, Rachel, thank you for having the courage to not only share your poems with us but explain how they came to be and what you were going for. I wish I knew more about poetry to bring something useful to the discussion, but I will say this: your reviews and analyses have made me appreciate poetry as an art form again. If yours is what you call bad poetry, then please sign me up for the Bad Poets Society because I want more.
I’m so proud of Rachel for sharing her poetry with us!! I really liked it 💖I would love to see an analysis of Halsey’s poetry book!!
I think your first poem was beautiful, and it actually made me tear up a little
I wanted to mention, that part in the 2nd one you were worried about, "killing me slowly from the inside"
Maybe you could use mention of what's happening to your body through that if that makes sense? Like what happens to a dying body, organs failing, your brain shutting down. I'm not a doctor or coroner, so I don't really know, but I just had the thought and hoped it might inspire something useful x
I really resonated with every poem you shared from your own writing and I'm thankful you *did* share because I can only imagine how personal they each are to you but kudos to you for being brave and helping people like myself who value your words and appreciate your courage and journey... you are so smart and versatile, I hope to someday be half as quick as you!! Thank you, Rachel
First poem: I absolutely adored it, I honestly didn't have any notes until you mentioned the chunkiness and I went back, I think shortening the last line of the first stanza would help honestly... or maybe changing it to something different and a little shorter?That scene reminds me of a past relationship and whenever he would cheat and I would stay I found myself almost trying to keep up appearances? I don't know I'd like something like that personally, especially with the later phrase "porcelain dreams" because that to me reads as someone who had hopes and ambition, and wouldn't want to admit that the relationship isn't love, which in my experience takes quite a bit of coverup... But besides that, I absolutely love the concept of taking that first line and shortening it, I found myself hearing the first line of each stanza and wondering what context you would give for each line and each time it was wonderful.
Second poem: I do agree that the last line seems a bit cliche and I feel like the word killing is so tame and unsubstantial compared to words like rots and necrotic in the previous line. Honestly I would try looking into worst possible cases of an infected wound going untreated and see if any particular descriptions stick out to you. Actually I found the term anhedonia (the inability to feel pleasure) reading random WebMD stuff and I cannot wait to find the opportunity to use it. I adore the rest of the poem but I also think it could be an awesome sonnet, just again I feel like "killing" is a little bland of a word by comparison.
Third Poem: I don't really like the first line, I don't know it could just be me but I think its a bit bland and I almost wish instead of telling us it was a destructive forest fire give us a small glimpse of the fire, like "in the aftermath of [the awful shit you did, but as a metaphor]" and then let the scorched trees and barren earth tell us about the forest destruction. Same-ish with the first line of the third stanza, I just find it a little ehh, I thought about the line "you lit the match I thought would consume me" or some version of that, especially because that line is the start of the transition from talking about the damage to new seeds, with the key word thought lol. But, as with all the other poems you shared, I absolutely love it and the metaphor of the forest fire and how you placed yourself in the fire and immediate aftermath. I also really love the last line of the poem, I feel like it's the perfect "F U I'm better without you" line lol.
Fourth Poem: I honestly don't know what I can critique, I honestly love the poem the way it is, I really like the shorter lines near the end of the poem because I feel like those lines really give a sense of reality sinking in and time slowing..
Also please please please share more of your poems!!!
Beautiful and so talented!!! Keep it up pls!!
I love this! I think no matter what poetry is a form of self expression/ help and if it helps you work through stuff that's great and it's done its job. I can really relate to not wanting to have children even though I'm able to and having generally men look at me funny or view me as weird because all my value is apparently in my ovaries and general genitalia. I feel like these are really well written and can relate to many people but as you pointed out at the start these are quite specifically personal and may not reach a lot of people which isn't always a bad thing. The only other thing is (as you also said) the metric and how the sounds go together could be tweaked to improve the flow and connote the message your trying to tell the reader. Writing in the form of a sonnet is something I do as well to help with the flow of my poem.