Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
While I see the value in this I have found my “truth bombs” have occurred after numerous prior attempts at being gentle but getting any kind of respect or resonance in return. You keep communicating calmly but keep getting ignored until one day... boom.
Great video! I notice I feel the urgency to detonate truth bombs when my partner is not emotionally honest and uses technical loopholes to deflect from being accountable. Then I get CRAZY emotionally dysregulated and go after him as if I’m a disrespectful lawyer in court just hammering away all the while thinking this will force him to be honest. He just digs in to protect himself. Emotional dishonesty, lying, gaslighting, etc are major triggers from childhood where parents were not accountable. I need to slow down so I can see that my reaction is an emotional flashback and that throwing a temper tantrum doesn’t work in adult relationships no matter what their behavior is. It’s hard work but you are inspiring and encouraging to be responsible for our own behavior. Thank you!!!
This is a big issue for me and was the final straw in my recent breakup. But I can also tell you I only seem to end up doing this with avoidants in my life after a significant period of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells and cannot express my issues or needs in the relationship because it will trigger withdrawal. It comes from a place of anxiety and 'so what, i've got nothing to lose at this point'. Unfortunately that's not the case. It just triggers complete withdrawal and hostility. Sigh.
Thank you for this, definetely worth considering especially having a kind delivery because similarly you'd want to receive it that way. It such an eye opener seeing that there's always room to slow the conversation down and apply more tact while having empathy. I think feeling like you need to just put it all out there can make you a tad bit tactless and also often comes from a place of dysregulation/anxiety which ends up only hurting you because when the other person shuts down, you don't even get the engagement you were hoping for which often leads to emotional dysuregulation atleast as far as I can tell
Great reflections. Glad this video inspired you writing your comment. I'm reminded of how important it is to talk about how emotional dysregulation impacts communication. We all have different ways we respond during the dysregulation/ anxiety. If you haven't already checked it out, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz We can choose differently by learning about how we respond to dysregulation/ anxiety. Thanks for your comment.
So many wonderful ideas....but...we do also have to admit to ourselves that in many relationships/human interactions that it is a complete waste of good intentions/energy, and misdirected optimism. People who have made personal progress in healing/releasing traumas etc often still presume that others have also, and so many people just bury their demons or get relief through whatever addiction etc....
Yup, I totally let loose with a truth bomb on my ex last time we met up. I spent 8 months rebuilding a rapport and positive interactions with him, and then one night I had s few drinks and all diplomacy flew out the window. He completely shut down and told me to leave. Now, I’m trying to rebuild and I lost all progress we had made. Tough
I’ve been on a Truth bombing mission with a lot of people.. I thought I was letting off years of pent up anger .. this came at the right time .. thank you so so much ❤
I hear you. Glad to hear this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my effort. If you like this video then you may also like getting in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I am definitely guilty of having done this so many times. I simply did not understand why my (ex) partner would get so upset with me. Only very recently am I starting to understand the importance of kind, careful, nuanced communication where deep emotions are involved. Thankfully my ex and I are still friends and are learning to relate to each other better. It takes commitment and effort to change the way we relate.
As I've gotten older. I realized that being yourself. Means telling the truth with your mate or someone your interested in or you might not be intetested in. If you have people in your life. You really don't want in your life anymore. Be honest and set yourself free. Be respectful and as kind as you can. But don't allow yourself to settle. For foolishness or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we think just dismissing our feelings is ok at the moment. Because a lot of people don't want to deal with what might come out of that discussion. But if I would have been honest. When I saw behaviour that did not fit into my life and had the guts to speak-up. I would not have had to go through dysfunctional relationship pain. Therefore I settled for people who were not a match. But the beauty of were I'm at now. Feels liberating and yes it might sound cliche. But it's the truth. I would rather have peace of mind, sit back and enjoy great cup of coffee, be around people that I love and adore and who Love me any day. Then deal with foolishness on any level. Listen to the Therapist, he's wise and watch his videos they will get you through and you will grow. So be Honest my friends. With yourself.
Glad this resonates for you. Thanks for commenting. This also comes up in conversations in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks for the comment. I'm glad the video resonate for you. We have some great, supportive conversations in the membership community about ideas like this one. Please check out joining us: alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register
My childhood relationships, in my family, were so harsh. Words that just made me want to disintegrate, hide, not be present. My childhood caretakers were very wounded emotionally and kindness was not known in my household. It was as though the adults intentions were to deliberately maim, silence, intimidate and destroy the self. Vestiges of racism handed down through the generations. I have bonded with my oppressors.
Is there a video on the difference between sugar-coating and the need to validate your partner by acknowledging her skills and qualities (maybe skills and qualities she does not believe she has, but she definitely possesses)?
Sometimes the passive aggressive quiet one who doesnt WANT the truth & is SELFish protective,could have been avoiding kind methods , suggestions & Patience of the OUTWARD Appearing" Truth bomber" for Years ...Who MAY have "developed" aggression. in communication . DUE to being kept in prison for by the non communicater .THAT isnt very kind either .So the appearance of truth bombings can sometimes be because the truth " bomber" actually stood on a land mine. ....then of course i suppose both are not actually Listening in the How are you's ...
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
____
Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
____
I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
____
Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
____
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
While I see the value in this I have found my “truth bombs” have occurred after numerous prior attempts at being gentle but getting any kind of respect or resonance in return. You keep communicating calmly but keep getting ignored until one day... boom.
exactly and the irony is they only respond in attunement to you while you drop the truth bomb.
i mean you be hurtful and finally they hear what you saying.
Great video! I notice I feel the urgency to detonate truth bombs when my partner is not emotionally honest and uses technical loopholes to deflect from being accountable. Then I get CRAZY emotionally dysregulated and go after him as if I’m a disrespectful lawyer in court just hammering away all the while thinking this will force him to be honest. He just digs in to protect himself. Emotional dishonesty, lying, gaslighting, etc are major triggers from childhood where parents were not accountable. I need to slow down so I can see that my reaction is an emotional flashback and that throwing a temper tantrum doesn’t work in adult relationships no matter what their behavior is. It’s hard work but you are inspiring and encouraging to be responsible for our own behavior. Thank you!!!
This is a big issue for me and was the final straw in my recent breakup. But I can also tell you I only seem to end up doing this with avoidants in my life after a significant period of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells and cannot express my issues or needs in the relationship because it will trigger withdrawal. It comes from a place of anxiety and 'so what, i've got nothing to lose at this point'. Unfortunately that's not the case. It just triggers complete withdrawal and hostility. Sigh.
Thank you for this, definetely worth considering especially having a kind delivery because similarly you'd want to receive it that way. It such an eye opener seeing that there's always room to slow the conversation down and apply more tact while having empathy. I think feeling like you need to just put it all out there can make you a tad bit tactless and also often comes from a place of dysregulation/anxiety which ends up only hurting you because when the other person shuts down, you don't even get the engagement you were hoping for which often leads to emotional dysuregulation atleast as far as I can tell
Great reflections. Glad this video inspired you writing your comment. I'm reminded of how important it is to talk about how emotional dysregulation impacts communication. We all have different ways we respond during the dysregulation/ anxiety. If you haven't already checked it out, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz We can choose differently by learning about how we respond to dysregulation/ anxiety. Thanks for your comment.
So many wonderful ideas....but...we do also have to admit to ourselves that in many relationships/human interactions that it is a complete waste of good intentions/energy, and misdirected optimism. People who have made personal progress in healing/releasing traumas etc often still presume that others have also, and so many people just bury their demons or get relief through whatever addiction etc....
Hit the nail on the head. Tell it like it is without being vulgar. Take note of perception issues, just awesome.
Yup, I totally let loose with a truth bomb on my ex last time we met up. I spent 8 months rebuilding a rapport and positive interactions with him, and then one night I had s few drinks and all diplomacy flew out the window. He completely shut down and told me to leave. Now, I’m trying to rebuild and I lost all progress we had made. Tough
I’ve been on a Truth bombing mission with a lot of people.. I thought I was letting off years of pent up anger .. this came at the right time .. thank you so so much ❤
I hear you. Glad to hear this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my effort.
If you like this video then you may also like getting in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I am definitely guilty of having done this so many times. I simply did not understand why my (ex) partner would get so upset with me. Only very recently am I starting to understand the importance of kind, careful, nuanced communication where deep emotions are involved. Thankfully my ex and I are still friends and are learning to relate to each other better. It takes commitment and effort to change the way we relate.
I'm so guilty of this. No wonder why he could never be honest about his struggles
As I've gotten older. I realized that being yourself. Means telling the truth with your mate or someone your interested in or you might not be intetested in.
If you have people in your life. You really don't want in your life anymore. Be honest and set yourself free. Be respectful and as kind as you can.
But don't allow yourself to settle. For foolishness or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we think just dismissing our feelings is ok at the moment. Because a lot of people don't want to deal with what might come out of that discussion.
But if I would have been honest. When I saw behaviour that did not fit into my life and had the guts to speak-up. I would not have had to go through dysfunctional relationship pain.
Therefore I settled for people who were not a match. But the beauty of were I'm at now.
Feels liberating and yes it might sound cliche. But it's the truth. I would rather have peace of mind, sit back and enjoy great cup of coffee, be around people that I love and adore and who Love me any day. Then deal with foolishness on any level. Listen to the Therapist, he's wise and watch his videos they will get you through and you will grow.
So be Honest my friends. With yourself.
Very helpful, thank you. I sabotaged many relationships by doing this.....
It's very true what he says, I've only realized the weight of HOW you say things, recently.
Glad this resonates for you. Thanks for commenting.
This also comes up in conversations in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Ahhhh. In the effort NOT to be codependent I think I have truth bombed. Thank you for the lesson.
Thanks for the comment. I'm glad the video resonate for you. We have some great, supportive conversations in the membership community about ideas like this one. Please check out joining us: alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register
My childhood relationships, in my family, were so harsh. Words that just made me want to disintegrate, hide, not be present. My childhood caretakers were very wounded emotionally and kindness was not known in my household. It was as though the adults intentions were to deliberately maim, silence, intimidate and destroy the self. Vestiges of racism handed down through the generations. I have bonded with my oppressors.
Dude wow exactly what I needed to hear thank you
Glad you found benefit. You're welcome.
I did this so many times to my ex. I whish I knew you 1year ago.
Ooooof. Yeah this is something I do.
Thank you Alan 🥰🥰
Thank you so much!
Duh. Never thought of it this way. Very nice!
Amazing😊thank you.
Excellent.
Is there a video on the difference between sugar-coating and the need to validate your partner by acknowledging her skills and qualities (maybe skills and qualities she does not believe she has, but she definitely possesses)?
Thanks for the question. This is a good video suggestion. Please submit it to be considered for a future video www.alanrobarge.com/questions
Sometimes the passive aggressive quiet one who doesnt WANT the truth & is SELFish protective,could have been avoiding kind methods , suggestions & Patience of the OUTWARD Appearing" Truth bomber" for Years ...Who MAY have "developed" aggression. in communication . DUE to being kept in prison for by the non communicater .THAT isnt very kind either .So the appearance of truth bombings can sometimes be because the truth " bomber" actually stood on a land mine. ....then of course i suppose both are not actually Listening in the How are you's ...