A Covert Narcissist's #1 Tactic, Hands Down
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- Опубліковано 19 лют 2023
- Covert narcissists can create great tension because they are masters of disguise. Gaslighting you, they want you to think you are truly defective and in need of their control. But Dr. Les Carter identifies the most prominent tactic they use, and as you see it, you can be less inclined to succumb to their manipulations.
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Acting the innocent person, the victim, the martyr, the aggrieved, the hard-put-upon, the eternal sufferer, the righteous crusader forced by circumstance to take up arms against evil, the angel.
Expressive characterization 👏👏👏
Beautifully put. Exactly that. 💯
Nailed it!!!!
But not true
That was really good.
1.Never trust anyone that tries to convince you of who they are!
2. Don't explain your own sense of character, because they'll try to mirror you.
3. Cherish your privacy. They'll want to hear every dirty detail about your life. They cannot relate, and DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO EMPATHIZE. Everything you say will be held against you.
4. Don't gossip! Period!
5. Don't let anyone manipulate your time with family and friends.
6. Don't give second chances after the first sign of disrespect.
7. Don't ever accept passive aggressive comments as being a joke. They purposely try to provoke negative reactions and emotions.
8. Don't break prior arrangements, obligations or plans with friends and family to spend time with a new, love interest . They will try to isolate you from any support system.
9. Keep your friends, family and job separate from a new love interest until after they have, undeniably proven themselves to be loyal and trustworthy. They CAN and WILL turn people you love against you.
10. Be aware of how they talk about their own family and friends. Are they painting them in a negative light? Remember, their friends and family will be their flying monkeys.
11. Don't be flattered by jealousy, that's a control tactic.
12. Talking about exes should be a deal breaker. That's inappropriate, when starting a new relationship. The past should stay in the past and no one needs "validation"from a personal relationship that didn't work out, it creates insecurities and triangulation. Emotionally mature people heal and move on.
13. If you haven't healed from a prior relationship, don't date until you have rebuilt a solid sense of self and independence. Rebounds aren't fair for anyone involved and it just leads to codependency.
I've been a narc magnet my whole life and I've finally had enough of being a people pleaser.
The healing process and finding yourself again is more rewarding than trying to mold yourself into being someone's ideal of who and how you should be for them.
Great tips!😉
I agree with this entire list!
@@theartistcherrypi6454 I've been waaay to educated with personal experience 😂 it's sad but true.
11. I've always been the jealous one. 12. I've always talked about exes; as it was the "norm" with anyone that I was previously involved with. They always liked that I was such a good listener (Thanks Mom). 13. Still trying to find myself at 63. Narcissisitic tendencies?😭💔Absolutely. And ashamed of every moment. If I may just chime in on the mindreading expectation: yes, I see where I have done that and caused a boyfriend much confusion. My confusion was that I was unable to put to words the inner turmoil that I was feeling. And was afraid to share my disappointment for fear of rejection. It's really hard to speak your truth when you've been denied your safety and your voice. I may never get my life "right"; but maybe that will help somebody understand. I hope.
I feel like this list should be published! Thank you for taking the time to write all these out, very insightful ! I agree & can very much relate ❤️🩹
it always boils down to "you owe me servitude". They always revert to a bully.
Absolutely!!
Yep. Forever!
Bully was one of the first words I used to describe his behaviour.
BULLY in modest clothing, but the moment she is upset, her ANGER- rage- ugly Lava mouth spews such rants & Rage! ug!
Females hide behind feminism:
“Every woman deserves…. You need to…”
I think the covert type is almost the most damaging/dangerous. Because normal idiots teach you to avoid cruel people. But the covert types teach you that you can't trust peoples 'kindness' either. That especially people who brand themselves as kind, rarely actually are. This causes a general mistrust, that spills over to relationships with other people, especially new people. Because who can you actually trust, and who is genuinely trustworthy and kind?
Covert narcissist publicly and privately are not the same.
Right!
🎯🎯🎯
Jekyll and Hyde 💥
Jekyll and Hyde 💥
no narc is the same but coverts are night and day
They never ask you, “how are you?”…ever!
So weird how alike they all are. I come to the comments just to remind myself, yes he was definitely a covert narc.. I wasn’t crazy
They don't care
Totally. That is actually a massively under reported red flag
They only care about themselves…there’s no one else they care about…no empathy whatsoever.
OMG!!!! Sooooo true! You made me just realize that in a 2 yr relationship coming to its end
Narcissists are wolves in sheep’s clothing
That sadly gravitate into positions of authority.
Too positive. Wolves and sheep are beautiful creatures. I see them as ticks. Disease spreading parasites.
@@AjaxTotaalnlVultures, snakes
The coverts are… some also are wolfs in wolf’s clothing… more aggressive than passive aggressive but still feeling entitled to the aggression (false victimhood).
Demons in people suits.
They do favors, give gifts, celebrate you at first, but then....
You have to do everything they want, you must admire them... and they need to be adored by you, you have to become their YES person. Their servant!!
Very true.
Wow all the comments are true. Blows my mind my doubts were valid and real. Red flags were real I did not listen to God's warnings.
They only do "nice" things, only to be used as ammunition at a not so far off future time.
These deceptive people gain your trust by appearing like you. If you are open, honest & transparent...they purposefully appear the same way. I've learned the hard way: Time will tell. Trust is earned.
Yes to all you say here!
Well said.
They mirror our good traits then over time assign theirs to us and claim ours as they're own.
Trickery!
* their own
They can play flying monkey for an overt narcissist in your life if they get you to trust them too.
In my eyes they are NOT to be trusted. They work on their fake ways for a long time.
Duped for 27 years. He did unbelievable damage to me and our children. Gratefully, through intense therapy and education, I have clarity. Unfortunately, our children don't believe that their father is a monster in disguise, even though they all suffer from anxiety, prior substance abuse, and periodic depression. I don't blame them though, since I was duped for decades. I can only love and support them going forward. It's so hard.
Oh my God, my kids too
💖
Been there and thats about where im at too after all types of abuse and absndonment to living on the street for 10 years
My children too!!!
The Coverts are so fake. Damaged? That's all they do is damage everybody behind closed doors. We were theory doormats.
The superior level of trickery is what makes it so scary. No matter how many narcissists I have known, it’s still so difficult to spot when they are working behind their mask.
So true. I definitely agree here. Mine are not always narcissists, but always cluster B combination burritos. It is difficult to see behind the mask. They don’t always know about their mask. I think that sometimes they are innocent of being calculating, but they are still monumentally difficult to deal with. Those can be hard to spot. And heart-breaking.
It's because of the callous disregard for anyone but themselves that they hide so well
Watch for their love bombing. Once that starts, run.
Keeping ones ""own desires"" in check is a Narc repellent because it's reality not fantasy.
Yes!!! 💯💯💯
It sounds like the narcissist thinks of a relationship as a long con.
Yes you are very correct it's the longest con until they use the person up
Divorcing one. Married me ONLY as a pawn to make an ex-gf old supply jealous, planned to use me as a retirement comeup through music con. Never too vows seriously. Lasted six months. DV, played the field during entire relationship unbeknownst to me. He knew he didn't love me and wanted freedom to do what he wanted. He discarded me more than one brutally without a care. Used coworkers to make me look unstable. They were the only ones who came on his behalf. Snake. Much more nefarious, treacherous deeds in the past and present. Withholding mail during divorce, covering up criminal record through bribes, favors....document, get cameras, attorneys involved. Stay no contact with these monsters. They are dangerous.
Their love or friendship is definitely transactional. Don't accept a gift from one you're going to owe the rest of your life
Going through this now, but not taking the bait.
Can a person/should a person give back the transactional gifts? Or the confrontation could be too much of a risk?
The person who stresses they have your back whilst actually stabbing you in the back
Yup
My mother was a covert narcissist. In her mind, I already "owed' her by age 10 for the years of effort she put into raising me. Actually, not all that much effort, but in her mind I'm sure it was. Even as an adult, she would say in all seriousness, "You told me that when you got your driver's license, you would drive me anywhere I wanted to go." I told her that when I was five. She had an entire list of promises she had extracted from me as a child. She grew more nasty, manipulative, controlling and slanderous with every year she aged. She lived to be 94. I cut ties with her before that and did not discover she had died until over a year after the fact. All I felt, and still feel, is relief that she is gone.
They live forever! Mine died at 93 and it was the happiest day of my life.
Amen. I wish I could feel differently, but the immense damage they do, can't be undone sometimes and that stings. However, the last laugh is ours in that, they lived a total miserable and shit life and that never changed. Us, on the other hand, we get to chose how to live and to build a life that's much better. Healing from the pain of them is the challenge. I have never hated anyone so much in my life and I have to change that mindset, because if I don't, they've won, and I will NOT let them win. EVER. I guess, in some way, I have to forgive them and when I go along that line, for me, I find the hate lessens or goes entirely and there is peace and joy. And when I think of it, now, as I sit her on my own (my marriage and business ended because of the narc), rebuilding my life it's actually BETTER than it was before so I can thank him for that. And, in the end, all the visciousness of his passive aggressive attacks and hostilities against me and others, it all backfired. As long as I chose love, and keep close to God who has rescued me from the consequences of this narc's pure hatred and vindictiveness against me, I can now be grateful. Because of him, I lost my marriage and my former life and I found GOD and God has saved me and made my life anew - beauty from ashes. So, really, it all totally backfired on him. As long as I chose to follow the way of love, forgiveness and being in God's plan for me that is all I need. It has taught me to NEVER depend on a man, or on anyone and to have total trust in God, even when life sucks at times. Well, you know, I was feeling intense hatred there for awhile but now, I feel great! Thanks for your post! We win!
God bless you. I pray you have peace and love in your life now.
Why is it that they live forever.. and the good die young.. it's very sad..
@@katiemiller4187 Yes, very ironic.
My narcissist ex used to put on a show of honesty and empathy. I actually bought into that version of him, but part of me didn't trust him and I couldn't explain it. When the relationship fell apart, I still had the version he sold to me of his honesty and empathy but it didn't align with his behavior. I remember asking myself who the hell had he been - over and over and over. It took me years before I could unravel who my covert narcissist ex had been. One thing that really helped me was to write a list of all the horrible things he had done to me. Then, every time a good memory popped up, I would repress the memory and bring up the memories of the bad things he had done. I did this over and over and over until my head and my heart were on the same page. He was a guy who did some nice things to ingratiate himself with me and he was a guy who did some pretty crappy, hurtful things -- things I didn't deserve. I also went to places we had gone to together with someone else - a friend, a family member - and created new memories in those places so I wouldn't associate him with those places. And I redecorated my house, so visually, it doesn't look the same anymore. I hardly ever think of him anymore and if his name pops up, my brain has no interest in mulling him over and just lets go of the thought.
I really like the way you describe your method to disengage with your own thoughts and stop believing the lies. Working on developing the same kind of thing gets confusing sometimes but is so worth it. Thanks for sharing that.
I found that very helpful. Thank you
When I had to withdraw from ex and family and I felt guilt I would say to myself 'what about you Jorie, who thinks and takes care of you?' right nobody! so think of yourself.
And what also really helped was observe the feelings with acknowledgement (very large list each time), acceptance and because I could observe in the knowing, the feelings were not mine but projected, so I could non identify and then it flows away. Almost 24/7 day job for years and still. Because new narcissistic abusers find me as prey.
Recently had the whole justice system against me, >40 men, complete with violent police raid in my house where they all shift the blame on me hiding behind procedures.
This was incredibly helpful. I have been trying to figure out ways to suppress the "good" and remember what actually happened. Thank you for this! I will try my best to implement this.
Very Sad to hear ....ben there
They are demons with the devils spirit inside of them .
Accept it , its the truth
One other aspect of this Disorder from Dante's 9th Circle is that the narcissist can, indeed, identify other narcissists. The weird thing is... they DEFEND other narcissist's horrid, abusive , even DEADLY behaviors!!
Yup. My mother is a covert narcissist who married an overt narcissist. They’re like gangsters the way they back each other up-almost like a folie a deux.
So true. The mother would complain about her daughter, then when her daughter would rage on ME when I brought up her self-centeredness, and her NPD mother would just sit there instead of saying, "I told him that. He's just trying to resolve my problems with you," and remained completely silent and refuse to defend me, even though she started the whole affair. This lack of integrity on her behalf only encouraged her daughter to project onto me that I was the bad guy. This happened several times until I told the Mother I DO NOT want to hear your complaints about YOUR daughter. This solved my problem as I would reiterate it whenever she tried to bring it up. I only discovered NPD through people like Dr C and others. Thank you Dr C.
@@dany8822 -- OMG! you must be my long lost sister! that or you've been in my house;)
😂.... 🤔... 😭 I never know whether to laugh with relief or weep from empathy when I find others like me.
Sometimes true! Not always. Narcissists typically want the weak minded; not the same battle normal people fight against them.
The more someone tells you about being your trustworthy friend, the more you should ask yourself, why is the person trying so hard to persuade you about it.
Words don´t matter much, actions do.
The one I know is actually laughably insistent about how caring and empathetic they are. It's become sickening and I actually feel nauseated seeing it.
Exactly
Yes! The one I know constantly tells me “why can’t I find someone I have so much to offer”. I’m like really? lol. You are a 53 year old living in an apartment, drug addicted, can’t hold a job, ankle monitor wearing narcissist. But please tell me more.
?@@dixiechubb9891😂
Abused people do this too.
“I’m here for you” becomes the most demeaning part of the relationship. They will make sure you know how not there for you they are, but will keep using those words.
True ~ they often create the problem in your life then claim to be "Your only friend". Pitiful.
Very well said.
" I'm here for you as long as it serves ME"
They are never there for you unless there is something in it for them.
@@rg-mi5hh I'm trying to learn to not take it personally anymore, so I hopefully also don't have to be angry about it anymore either. They want supply, we're just in the wrong place at the wrong time and we gave the supply. It could have been the next person as well, except for that we're educating ourselves here with these videos and that makes us better equipped to walk away faster next time and not be that supply again.
I practice honesty. I speak my truth to them. evildoers get angry. good people return respect.
They just use people, plain & simple. They find you as willing to help and exploit that at every opportunity. You think you're helping, but they're just taking advantage.
Yep.
Yep. I BEAR WITNESS!
My ex narc boyfriend said to me, “ you always seem to be holding back” when he sensed I wasn’t be totally vulnerable with him and I replied, “you seem to hold your cards very close to your chest.” He didn’t like that one bit.
Of course I started holding back because of his strange and questionable behavior. My sense of safety and trust was diminishing quickly.
Thanks for your comment. The line "you always seem to be holding back" is a good tell. Someone who truly respects you and. your boundaries would be quite comfortable with the concept of your privacy and personal space.
Thank you for validating what I’ve been experiencing!!
They dont like the real mirror reflected back to them.
They'll disguise themselves as angels of light
Agree. They want you to doubt yourself. One of they way Covert narcissit use to prey on their victims is to inflict self doubt Aka GASLIGHTING. They want to take take, stay ALERT and always guard your boundaries and personal belongings with these narcissists
🎯
🎯 Absolutely. They make people doubt their own memories. Destabilize.
Covert Passive aggression
"OMG!! Douaa!" 😁
It's dismiss, deny and demean.
Politicians should be tested for narcissism and removed from office if they test positive.
that would require 100% removal
When a covert narcissist says "I love you", it really means "I need you to love me". They are completely self-obsessed and will throw anyone under the bus who has the nerve to call them on their bad behaviour. They're like a black hole of neediness and desire for external validation and admiration, and if you don't give it to them you're in for a rough ride. Ten years after my husband's covert narc/BPD ex-wife left him, she's still trying to worm her way back into his life despite knowing he remarried. It's a war that never ends.
You get it.
My son followed me town to town,he included the word " we" event to the legal messes HE got himself into.Finally had to get a no trespass from the cops and move to another state refusing to let him know where just for my sanity.
Valerie: well said!!!
30+ years into the marriage, I can hardly believe how much I implicitly trusted my narcissist. So convincing! All things come to an end, however, and the rose colored glasses are long gone.
Blind trust and agreeableness actually attract narcs ~ I'm convince this plays a part. Our good qualities are weaponized against us.
Glad you are in a better place. Cheers.
Good for you for getting out! May your life unfold in wonderful ways.
Same here! Finally wised up and left after 28 years.
@@marieldavison5121 Exactly!!!
30+ years? This doesn’t even make sense..
The narcissist may also mirror your best qualities back to you as they study you, so you think you are getting to know someone you have a lot of good things in common with. Some do this extremely well. Keeping the mask on takes a lot of energy though, so sooner or later it will slip. Thank you Dr. Carter for this priceless education on their control tactics.
And when it slips they put focus on someone else and people dont see it. Master manipulators.
It's chilling when you realise they're watching you intently when they're talking to you, watching and noting your responses. They have memories of the smallest interactions from way back, when they think they're 'owed ' something.
Watch their eyes. I prefer no contact
This happened to me too!
@@northstar5919 But as they get older like 91, the mask slips off to the wrong people, which helps you because now they have got it first-hand. Now they believe you.
@@lizvermaas9703 Her eyes get real big and square lips, like someone else is coming out of her. Yes no eye contact.
You are always on point. I've been dealing with a narcissist for 40 yrs. They don't change. It get worse the older they get I'm so mentally drained and damaged.
40 years? Jesus Christian man...
Agreed! Start getting a little sloppy/overboard with everything and start to expose themselves it seems. To me anyway!
@@bevinkaker65 Praise His Holy Name.
Yep I go though this EVERY single day with my spouse for 33yr awful years, he's not going to change, he 73 and getting worse..so I just Gray Rock and Soul distancing him. The love is gone and now in my mind he's just a roommate. This relationship is gone.....after his cheating years ago which tore my heart right out of my chest! He doesn't see how much it ruined the relationship of us...and he still doesn't care.....well he never will....now I get it. I love gardening, camping, hiking, boating, working out, playing Pickleball, painting... and evey time I ask him to join me..he always says "go find a friend" I never thought that being married to someone for 33 yrs would make me feel so alone and worthless. So I'm off finding new friends to go do things with at 70 yrs now.
I left my marriage of 32 years and have never been happier. It is never too late to really enjoy the rest of your life without him.
If they do things for you, they will use the things they willingly do for you to prove that they are a good person. They also punish you if you fail to read their minds. When my brain was completely broken, he yell at me with rage because he had to repeat himself to over and over again. They are really really cruel.
Mine is the opposite. He never hears me so I constantly have to repeat myself over and over again. Narcissists are good at not listening.
This is SO familiar! I can't tell you how often that mind reading BS happened to me. Not to mention tons of other garbage. Finally left him after 25 years. And it feels great. Starting over at age 74 isn't easy, but finding myself is more important.
He told me I was losing my hearing. I was just exhausted.
You made an excellent observation by stating "they'll punish you if you don't read their minds." This is so true, although I never looked at it like that before.
Boy howdy, the similarities with other narcs I'm reading here about are staggering. They perceive themselves to be so smart and can screw you under while doing something nice for you. Bottom line is, never, ever trust them. Once you do it's an opportunity to use that against you. Look what I did for you and you are so ungrateful. F'ing with you mind indeed.
They can fool you for long, long time. My first serious boyfriend pretended to be a wonderful guy for three years. As soon as we had a house and business together, he dropped his mask. It was all downhill from there.
I also had a relative calling me for 15 years, acting sweet and charming. One day she started being superior and mean, and after much wrangling, I figured out she'd been faking being sweet. I wasted years and tons of energy on these two fakes. It's important to pull out much sooner!
yep iI had a sweet cousin I helped out for years, then i couldn t because I wanted to go off on my own. Then she started saying mean judgey comments to me . I guess I was no use for her anymore. I like authentic people and kind.
It's also important to sever all ties with toxic family members sometimes in much the same way.
Often family will think that we'll endure their abuse just because we're "family" & that we're supposed to love them unconditionally.
Which is fine & honourable, but if they're using our loyalty against us in an unbalanced & unfair way, then you need to leave.
@@carpathianken There is no such thing as unconditional love unless it is for yourself or a pet. All relationships have conditions to make the relationship work and run smoothly
“All cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness.”
― Tennessee Williams
When I heard the definition of a vulnerable narcissist (which is often used interchangeably with covert narc) I about fell off my chair. I FINALLY knew what had been going on with my sister all these years. The definition I heard was, “a vulnerable narcissist is someone who believes they deserve preferential treatment because they suffer so much.” Wow. That was her to a “T”. Thank you Dr. C for all your devoted efforts to help those of us who have been on the receiving end of such abuse.
Glad it resonated. Make sure you see the video, The Baffling Vulnerable Narcissist. Not all covert narcissists fit that description. I see the VN designation as a subset of covert narcissism, if you will.
Surviving Narcissism
@@SurvivingNarcissism You (& Gus) are about my two most favorite Souls on UA-cam. Much love and respect to you Dr C. 🙏❤
Acting like they're trying to make you a better person when it's not about you it's about them.
I’ve been with two narcs and, looking back, changes occur between six and nine months. They’re not as charming, almost rude, yet nothing needs to be discussed and they keep engaging with you. It’s very obvious. Run don’t walk the other direction.
Six months here as well.... From hot and heavy to cold and dismissive over night
Holy crap just about 6 months to
Overt managed to get rid of her first rival at the workplace at about the 6 months mark, then turned her attention to me. It only took about 6 weeks after that to start feeling the dismissive attitude, but continued attempts to draw me into her dramas. Covert (who I'd been working with for 6 years) then started gaslighting to enable and excuse Overt. I lasted another 6 months. I really couldn't say at what point Covert started showing her true self - It was infrequent, and I made excuses for her, she was that good at manipulating! but I know that once I publicly outshone her, she was pure hate, and nothing short of total annihilation could right the "wrong" that I had committed.
@@Gneiss365 It’s disheartening no supervisor fixed this garbage before you left.
@@kimonawhim11 They believed the smear campaign.
My covert narcissist stole 20 years of my life. He reeled me in by looking sad. I thought I could help him. He got worse and worse. I almost died.
Have you written about this expense anywhere?
It's tough realizing people don't give a shit. Really makes you feel worthless. I went through a period when I stopped caring because it just hurt too much to care. I thought I was being tough by turning the tables, hurting people along the way. The pain of remorse I now feel far outweighs the pain of betrayal by others. When somebody hurts you the pain you feel will subside with time. When you hurt others that pain will forever haunt you.
"Dishonest in a trustworthy seeming way." That quote and explanation is such a big deal because on occasion interactions with a narcissist are super positive - in a negative framework. The kind of situation where you have your misgivings, but counter those by saying "Yeah, but they did this and that, which was so kind and credible, so the crummy stuff was just something that can be explained away." Being undermined, while being offered goodies. Sinister.
@Sage, Well put, Sage, and I've had this exact thing happen to me.
Yes! Well said.
Exactly. Well-said.
They feed you poison wrapped in honey
Yes you absolutely start GASLIGHTING yourself! Trying to explain away their behaviour!
The covert narc is my mom, and I didn't see it until my 50s that I was conditioned from birth to believe that her happiness was my responsibility. Of course I consistently failed despite living so much of my life with that single purpose in mind. And she's always the victim.
Took me until I was 50 to finally realize what my toxic narc mother is! It's been 7 years now and she only gets worse. Meaner, more anger, more gaslighting, pointing out MY faults and flaws.. the list goes on as you know. She's 75 now and died twice this past summer. Survived to be even worse than she was before! It's actually amazing to watch sometimes. I'm just grateful that I live in Florida and she's in NC. Didn't even go home for Christmas this year and I know that I missed nothing. Narc moms are relentless. It was so confusing but now makes perfect sense. Best luck to you.
@@michaeltroy7777 They do have a way of cheating death, don't they....my mom's 89 and had a stroke a couple years ago, which she recovered from 100% because I was right there and called an ambulance immediately. So now when she whines about how horrible her life is, she blames me that she's still alive!
@@lou1880 Wow.. 89.. and still cheating death. Good thing you were there! (Sarcasm). I was told last summer that she was good as dead.. my brother, the EMS, doctors at 2 different hospitals, etc. I prepared myself to go home and plan a funeral. Nope! Even after I got to the hospital everyone there was like "say your goodbyes" even had a DNR on her! She pulled thru and just a few days later my brother and I were driving her home! Amazing! Miracle! Took her only a day to get right back in her narc self. I tried hard being good but she made it impossible. Booked the next flight back to FL! I often think about writing this all down (nobody would believe it except others who've experienced it) but quickly realize that none of it is worth remembering much less reading about.. lol.
Hi Lou, look up Dr. Kenneth Adams and 'covert emotional incest'. It may apply to you and you might find some more closure. I know it sounds sickening and strange but just check it out. It is a type of abuse where a parent will treat use the child tp meet their own emotional needs and make the child their little husband/wife.
Same here gone no contact she’s 80. I don’t care anymore my love is dead 😢
It is almost like one is better off not sharing anything or going around them at all. The less these people know about you, the safer and better off you are. Some of them are so slick, it takes awhile to see through them. Most you can figure out earlier on. When they start going from "You're the greatest ever!" to blaming and accusing for no reason, it tells me real quick to stay away from them. They are not supportive, but pretend like they are. They wreck havoc and cause anxiety. Life is too short to be dominated and co fused by an idiot. The worst ones I have dealt with are women.
They never have a good day… every day is a stressed filled day of putting outs fires and solving problems that only they can handle. A constant martyr…
"Don't worry, I'm easy to get along with." Run for the hills!
So true!
Another one is "Don't worry I can stay sober"
Yes true Run!
Cheers!
Mine said “why are you nervous I’m pretty easy going”
One of the worst office managers I ever dealt with was one that told us how easy to get along with and how easy going she was
I can distinctly remember the exact time during that unending argument with my husband that I told him his obnoxious teasing needed to end. That when we were young it may have been fun and charming but after several decades of it, the teasing was now ridiculing and sickening. My husband, in my opinion of course, is a covert narcissist. I did not realize the extent of the mental abuse for decades. We are still married because at this stage of our lives it is financially impossible to go our separate ways. I put up with the crazy as best as I can and people such as Dr. C have helped me in many ways. Thank you.
Ohh Janet… I so know what you mean… 🌠❤🔥🌠
I tell my husband this everyday, “That was cute when we were in high school” Now being in our fifties it has gotten worse. Do you believe I still give him the benefit of the doubt when he is normal with his mood. He is forever 15 when he talks and acts and looks at me wanting a response from me. My kids also abused opioids and alcohol and blame their lives on me for not loving them enough. My 37 year old just told me that she needs her Mom to be there for her anxiety and depression, Wait what? Instead of blaming their Dad all three of them blame me, the Scapegoat. Until death do you part, you mean until he releases you from his prison cell? No job, No$$$, no friends or family is how he likes it. When I say “let’s go out this weekend” for something to eat is what that means. He will make up a reason not to or when we do we are only out for a few hours. Yippie.. He got some security cameras to be safe at home, LOL he now knows my comings and goings. Played all of these years.
I feel you, Cyndi. I got out finally, 40+ years. My daughters also take it out on me. I see it. I don’t accept it anymore. It’s can be painful as hell.❤❤Trust yourself
You might be trauma bonded right now.
Oh Janet, just pay the attorney to get you out! Losing 1/2 of financial assets is worth 100% of your sanity and freedom, yes?
I'm both sad and glad to know that I'm not the only one who got duped for years.
I'm thankful that God plucked me out of that darkness!
WE can now help shine his light into this deep darkness that affects others so horribly. Keep your faith!
This describes exactly what I went through. Perfectly. You even used the exact same words to describe their facade that were things I complimented him on. Sweet. Wonderful. I even had a pet name for him, I called him Sweetling. After a few months, I was proven very wrong. The condescending, Dismissive, neglectful and uncaring side really showed through. I want to add manipulative, but that is what it actually was from the very beginning. I've never encountered anything like it. I thought he was SO DIFFERENT from everyone I had ever met, as in, not the usual flagrant asshole. Turns out I was right, but not in the way I initially thought. He was SO MUCH worse. This kind of manipulation and abuse is so insidious, it leaves you questioning yourself, your motives, your intuition and intentions, and the intentions of everyone you know and everyone you meet in the future. You lose your trust in everything.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent sets the stage for our future choices, as adults. We are accustomed to and ingrained with their toxic ways, and see it as a "norm". Their characteristics that we saw as strength and confidence we're only twisted control tactics, and not healthy examples of what to look for in a life partner.
Angela, well and accurate statement.
I grew up with a narcissistic father. You're right about the norm. My future choices were made from that as well.
Can I ask how do you interact with your parents knowing this? I have a mom who I'm just starting to realize is a cover narcissist and never truly seems to care about what I've done but simply telling me what I need to do in my future so she can be in charge. It gets to a point where her life suggestions are just annoying and not helpful but if I ever call her out for anything she says she starts gaslighting and becoming this victim trying to appear weak with minor disagreements I have with her which annoys me the most. Seems like I cant win unless I create a fake image like she is great and improving my life with her constant life advice lol.
TRUTH
its a miracle I have a loving husband for the past 20 years. My mother, father, sister and brother are all narcs! And I only discovered it gradually. the most recent is my sister, who played a game with me for 45+ years, pretending she was on my side against the other narcs, all the while getting exactly what suited her best. Cut my ties with her as it all blew up when she showed her true colours as my father was dying. What a con that woman. An empty shell. the other narcs, one as bad as each other in my family of origin......
The bottom line. Anything a narcissist does in kind towards someone else comes with a price. That includes their spouse, children, "friends", co-workers, pets and the list goes on if they can extract an emotion from something that breathes with a heart beat. Narcissists have no idea who they are and they are constantly trying to individuate by using others to find themselves. Their method is flawed in their quest for individuation. The actual answer is this-- it all comes from within but they are too fragile to overcome their internal shame to see the truth. It's just overall sad for them and everyone they take down with them. 😢
Because of severe insecure attachment early on they never separated and are stuck in their subconscious programming.
It is sad. But no one can awaken another person.
FRAGILE is exactly how I describe my narc and his family… one of whom committed suicide.
Absolutely 100% correct- I reserve my sympathy for the wake of victims instead, It is a tragedy for the NPD and the Ancient Greeks wrote plays about it (Narcissus and Echo). We as a species haven't changed much over time.
@@sandrathomas2893 We all need to take responsibility for our own truth. Yes, they have to chose to awaken. I have my own saying when it comes to dealing with a true narcissist that has at least 5 of the 9 characteristics from the DSM5. My saying goes like this, are you willing to sell your soul for what the narc is offering you? That price is way too high for me even if I was offered the world! But I'm often surprised how little some people value their souls. :(
@@SheLikesSteel My ex committed suicide two years after I ran to another state to get away from him and divorced him, only to take and live-in with my elderly who is the same.
So true. I read a article from another therapist who explained how these types of narcissists usually show themselves so slowly that many partners don’t see the real self until something major happens in the relationship like infidelity.
That's exactly what happened to me. Took him one year. It's hard to explain the devastation I felt.
Same happened to me with ex spouse
If they are talking bad about their other friends when they're with you, be sure they are badmouthing you when you're not around. When they talk badly about their other friends behind their backs, take that as a notice.
All true. Thanks for the insight.
There is no negotiating or resolving equitably with a narcissist. JFK said, “We cannot negotiate with people who say, "what's mine is mine and what's yours is negotiable.” A narcissist says, “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is also mine."
So true.
Yep, I BEAR WITNESS
So spot on. I never saw it in the Relationship. I only discovered it during the Breakup. It was like talking to a totally different person. Lying & Denying something he knew he said, twisting words, gaslighting & manipulating. It was shocking to say the least.
It really can shock the system.
He said this in a counseling session: “Even the nice things I do are for selfish reason.”
*always pay attention to ANY erratic outburst* (in person, text, etc) and don't believe it when they make light of it, dismiss, or make excuses. trust your gut - your first impression. and absolutely, if someone talks themselves up or tell you 'how they are', there is a good chance they are a Narc.
Erratic outbursts are a red flag. Why are you angry over nothing making me feel crazy?
I had a feeling that a person was not really a good person, fake compassion, user of other people, users of things you might give them. Then, the true person came out when I truly needed a friend, they were mean and ungrateful, no empathy at all. They tossed me into the street and called me names, I walked away from this user, two of them in 2 years!!
Ex spouse. Glad to be rid of him.
There are already an abundance of comments on this topic already. What really stands out in my mind, apart from the gaslighting, is the 'self gaslighting'...
It's sad when they believe their own lies before they add to YOUR confusion!
Again, I wait eagerly for the video!
Yesss, thank you saying that!! I was totally doing that to myself.
My daughter who is a narcissist actually said they were an empath. I was speechless
Everything they pretend to be at the beginning, with the masks of mirroring and love bombing, in a little time together, you'll discover that it's exactly the opposite: generosity is selfishness, "intelligence" is childishness disguised with ready-made phrases... and affection is pure evil and the desire to destroy you psychologically, emotionally and sometimes physically.
To paraphrase Maya Angelou, If someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.
Such a great quote!
This describes my mothers behaviour to a tee! Last week it was passive aggressive/attempts to instill guilt/shame/competativeness and victim playing ( I remained grey rock throughout), whilst this week it was a mix but mostly 'being nice' as if last week's behaviour didn't happen! I'm thankful for channels such as this.
Thats " breadcrumbing"......they KNOW they wrude and are afraid they loose their supply(you)....
I just commented the same first sentence Lol. And the rest of your paragraph hits home as well!
knew it about my father and brother, just discovered my sis is a covert one as well. Yieks. Fooled me for 45 years. Mother I suspect as well. What was I doing in that family?? Of course I am portrayed as the baddie. Good grief. Just slowly building myself up now. I was so giving, can't believe it. What a waste. Agree. The channel and advice is fantastic. Also hearing about other people's stories makes me feel less alone on this......Thank you for describing your experience!
It reminds me of my grandmother 😢
I went grey rock awhile ago, can’t get out of it now a couple years of it and stuck
Raised by narcissists, abused by narcissists as an adult, diagnosed with C-PTSD here. I used to think I was a narcissist with my children but after years of learning and working on myself, I have begun to see that Thank God there is a difference between me and those who are truly narcissists. Bottom line, what hurts most is realizing that my heart, my trust, my honesty, efforts, meant nothing to the narcissist. That doesn't mean it was my fault or that I am unworthy or was a fool. Have to remind myself everyday of this and it hurts the same every day, but I will take it over being the one to inflict that pain on another. Thank you for this video. I will take every bit of knowledge, insight, and kindness I can get on this topic because I truly want to break the cycle and little by little, I have. Thank you.
Same there, just realised my parents are narcisists. I was bullied at school until middleschool on top of that have to deal with narc parents. This left me with trust issues and i basically do not know what is love or if i am able to love anymore.
Same here. It's was hard to both take responsibility for my behavior and have compassion for myself for having learned parenting from two narcissist parents (one covert). It was well worth the work. I've been very honest with my son through it all and he can see how much I've changed.
Your comment really hit home with me. The narc's in my life were so good at their craft I began to think I was the narc. It is a frequent battle with me too and PTSD as well. May we both find peace.
I sincerely hope you find good help for the cptsd. Its a long and arderous journey. If you havent done it already you might want to get checked physically too because this kind of long therm abuse can have serious effects on blood pressue, liver, hormones and vitamins and intestine microbial cultures. The physical part was overlooked in my case for a llong time and it made a huge difference to tackle it. And yes if you are really deep in the abuse, switching the story around and calling u a narc seems common. bc afterall some defensive habits the victim exhibits are similar to npd but as you say a completely different thing. All the best! I root for you!
Completely relate! Raised by and married, now raising our children alone and doing the best I can, I struggle with CPTSD every day! I am hopeful that it can improve and that God will lead me to wholeness. My WORST fear is that I am acting like or am going to end up like my abusers! Every time I make a mistake, I feel panicked about it- “does this mean I’m one of them? Can I ever trust my own motivations? Am I delusional?!?” Etc etc. it is exhausting! Then I end up over-apologizing and going down a shame rabbit hole, which I realize is not healthy and will end up being exasperating for anyone involved. It is a difficult path, but do not give up! A community of other survivors is important I think- if not in person, online can be a plan B. I wish I could hand out with the people here in person! Narc recovery summer camp sounds about perfect! 😃
My daughter in law is a narcissist. I'd have no problem avoiding her except for one thing: she's the mother of my only grandchild. I have had to learn (and it's a daily process) the steps of the dance that I must do every time I deal with her. It's like being an actress and performing a role. I cannot break script, or I'll be set back and punished for it. The punishment is always the same: less time with grandchild, and I must jump through her hoops to get ANY time at all. I never in my life have had to deal with anyone quite like her. Always an agenda, always a grudge (which may be decades old), always a 'no'. In the beginning I would lament, 'why can't she just come from a place of love?! Love is never selfish or argumentative!'. But 'love' (for anyone but herself) is not in her. My grandson is six years old tomorrow, and I grieve for him. He is but a pawn to her. A weapon, if you will. She exerts her control over him with an iron hand. My son has completely rolled over to her because...happy wife, happy life. It's just too easy for him to give her complete control. He is complicit, and I'm angry at him, too. But I will do just about anything to remain in my grandson's life, and make sure he knows I love him always!!! I hope he's able to come through this unscathed.
If you ask a narc for something, their first reaction is always a No. They are uncooperative and inflexible. Your grandson will always remember you, so hang in there.
Sadly none of us get through life unscathed. Hopefully you will be the light in his life and your appropriate and calm demeanor will be his guiding light. Silence is golden. Less said the better. My DIL is same and my son is complicit and jumps at her command as if always trying to please her and nothing is ever enough. I feel your heartache.
I think that's very brave of you and a beautiful thing you are doing for your grandson. Even if you will be the only person he remembers as being sane, it will be worth all the hassle you go through😊.
That’s so sad- the pain of not wanting to lose your little grandson, who you love so much - just so cruel of her to use him as a weapon so you must do as she says. 😣. You , as a normal loving person, would just assume that she would appreciate her only child having a loving grandmother who cares for her son but no, they Don’t care. Their hearts are cold
I have a sister who never stops saying how she supported me through my cancer treatment. Actually all she did was visit me when I was too exhausted to cope with visitors and put daily updates about my treatment on social media (which I also didn't want). Dr C is right when he says it's time for them to cash in their chips as that's exactly how they make you feel. ... YOU OWE ME!
Family can be a nightmare.
My grandfather raped my sisters & beat up my brother & I on an almost daily basis when my mom left my dad & when he was reported to the police for his heinous crimes, he denied it all & accused us of being ungrateful children.
@@carpathianken I'm so sorry you all went through that. I hope he rots in hell for what he's done. People who say things like 'they're family' or 'life's too short to fall out with family' make me sick.
Thank-you Jessica . I totally understand & empathise when you said you had a family member feigning being a martyr & helping you, when in reality all they did was cause us more aggravation & toxicity than anything. I hope you're well in the present day & your cancer is in permanent remission.
@@carpathianken yes I'm well on both counts thanks. Hope things are going well for you too x
My narc purposely misinterprets everything I say and do. She starts fights then claims i started them.
Narc frequently said they were never enough. I came to see it was my job to boost their ego . . . constantly.
It can take DECADES to learn they even EXIST.
Just for fun: "triangulation" sung to the tune of the song "anticipation"
triangulation, tri-angula-a-tion, it makes me insane....
it's keeping me waaaaailing
Yes! I can totally hear how that would go!
😂😂😂😂😂😂 that's great!
They definitely make you feel bad about yourself and not as good AS they are. They are users without a doubt. This video is very helpful in recognizing their tactics.
Even worse is when they keep it all to themselves (so as not to expose themselves) and years or decades later it all adds up. As many of us then say, we just couldn’t put our finger on it.
One of the best days of my life was the day my mother died. It allowed me the freedom to really examine who she was, how she affected me and who I had been raised to be. I've now had 20 years to unpack that info and can say ,wow! And with awareness has come healing and insight and increasing peace within myself. I'm a cheerleader for folks to emotionally and physically distance themselves from "their" narcissist. The N will not willingly allow one to change the relationship dynamic and will always create drama to keep you hooked. Leave!
Suspense . . . I am so glad that learning about the serious topic of narcissism can also be fun. There is discussion, camaraderie, and Gus.
Gus agrees.
Trifecta 💥✍🏻🔥🗣📖
Gus is such a cutie!
LoL, Ayup. ~ And, 💕 GUS!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Gus is definitely adorable and has a calming presence. What breed is he?
I work with a covert narcissist. She is the ultimate victim. Everything is about her. Fortunately I can just step back and observe.
I love all these psychology videos. They prove what I’ve always privately believed: you can’t trust humans. Whether it’s government, doctors, family, or neighbors, everyone has something to hide or ulterior motives. That doesn’t mean you can’t be friends or interact with them, just realize that at the end of the day the only person on earth you can depend on to be looking out for you is YOU. The pandemic really drove that home.
Right! Even Jesus kept his circle to three trusted disciples. The other nine were friends, however, not inner circle.
@susiechristensen830
0 seconds ago
There is One who has never left your side, there is One who has seen every tear you’ve shed and ultimately wants good to come out of every bad circumstance you’ve walked through. As we follow Jesus, He gifts us the indwelling Holy Spirit that helps us be better people..less selfish, dying to self like He did for us. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Surround yourself with godly people (not necessarily “church goers” but people who spend daily time with Jesus-gaining heart knowledge not just book knowledge. If you don’t believe, ask God to reveal Himself, seek Him with your whole heart..He will show Himself to you. I pray that you find your people..nobody is perfect but we can all have grace with one another..forgive and be forgiven.
The video wasn't about all humans being bad. There are many humans who are good and trustworthy with nothing to hide. I pray you find one of them one day because they are out there. Don't close yourself off to loving people because then you've let whoever hurt you win.
Why do you trust these videos then? After all, it's a fellow human telling you things in this video, and yet you seem to believe them. You are also getting the message wrong too though so idk
@@Elegant_Sausage I don’t trust these videos. They are made by humans, who are trying to make a profit.
25 years before I found out - I didn’t know what was wrong and then read about covert narcissism - it was like reading my life story
Same!!!
Same 😢
You previously did a video about "unhooking" from the narcissist, and the behavior that you describe in this video is what people need to look for as the deciding factors to unhook. You just slow fade from them, put their text and phone calls on mute, respond much later, make yourself unavilable, stop getting into any debates or back and forth, gray rock or yellow rock is the way to go. You also once said "kindness without empathy is manipulation." That's something else to look out for, people can ask themselves "why is this person being so kind, generous or friendly and I don't really need it." I find that narcissists often want you to feel like you owe them, and it's when you accept their help and now feel like you owe them that they reveal their agenda, then once you meet their agenda you're tossed aside.
So glad you are putting the pieces of the puzzle together like this. I'm impressed!
They may try to break through gray rock by dropping an emotional bombshell like, "Did I tell you I'm moving across the country?" etc
Or steal from you...that is what my NM did to me. She stolen so much stuff from me, even a lock door didn't keep her out.
I have met some older people stuck in their Narrative and if you have patience to hear the wows You better be prepared to deal with Indifference, Unhealthy peeps always needs a healthy to appear balanced or in control
I need to learn slow fade! I recently got set up again even though I saw the flashing amber lights. I’m not falling for her tactics again!
I dealt with a covert narcissist for several years in a volunteer organization. The worst sin I committed was not bending the rules for them, and calling them out when they bad mouthed others and tried to destroy reputations. I had to leave the organization in order to go no contact. This was very sad because I had put so much of my heart and soul into it. After several years they tried to contact me again. I didn't answer...
If I hear "everything I do is for you" I know it's time to run for the hills.
That's them trying to convince oneself.
Ex narc spouse said this all the time. I owe him NOTHING!!
After 50 years of life, I've finally gotten where I don't ignore the signs. The reason I say that I don't ignore the signs rather than I can see the signs is because I came to realize that the signs were always there, I was just ignoring them. I did see them, I just didn't acknowledge them. I had to learn to look inward as well as outward. I got to the point where I said, "I'm the common denominator. Why? What about me attracts these people?" At some point we have to realize that we bear some responsibility for allowing it to continue and choosing to ignore it. I don't mean that as a way to give narcissists a free pass, just to acknowledge our own roles in why we let it occur or get to the point that it does. I was conditioned in childhood to allow people to treat me badly and ignore these signs and had to learn as an adult to stop ignoring them and stand up for myself. I'm still learning, I don't know if I'll ever be able to totally master it, but I did learn to quickly see it in several situations now. I may always be a target, but I now have began to learn to recognize the signs and end the relationship or refuse to be affected by the behavior early on. I had to get to the point with ones I couldn't simply walk away from where I could stand up for myself and say, I will not talk to you while you are being condescending, rude, hateful, mean, or disrespectful. I will talk to you when we can have a respectful and meaningful conversation. It's ok to put your hand up and reinforce your boundaries...in fact, it's mandatory.
This is the blueprint for how someone can fleece you out of everything yet leave you with less than you started with, your whole family against you, and thinking for YEARS that you didn't do enough or give enough and that THEY'RE the "good guy."
Yup
I see S A is acquainted with my family. Evil criminals!!!!👿
Mine never paid for a thing. He said it was becaise his childhood was "scarce" now I'm not so sure
@@kristiemcinnes304 That’s terrible. What a manipulator. Sorry to hear that.
I hope you'll address the subject of narcissistic mothers. My mother had kids so that she'd have people who loved her. It backfired, and she punished us for not responding appropriately. I believe she was a covert narcissist.
Coverts do play a perfect victim ~ they love the steady supply of sympathy it garners them.
Sensitivity in private is not their strong suit as they prove to be quite ruthless to their family.
Narc Parents!
Some people should just be exempt from the role!
Take care.
That cute dog feels so comfortable listening to the voice of the person who takes care of him. Just like a baby.
Nice one. The one I got caught on was, "We go back a long way". Came around one Christmas uninvited and knocked on my door and said I've bought you a gift. I felt guilty because I had nothing for them. Let them in, gave me a load of tat and then robbed me of something of real worth. Pathetic. It's laughable. Laugh at it. F**k 'em. Walk away. My life is worth more then that. Self worth means more than property. 👍❤🙏
I have a Homeless Narc with her three children that I took in three weeks ago. When I met her she said she just needed a place to stay for three day and her new apartment would be ready. she's been lying about getting a place. There are no words to explain the turmoil I am presently in. I Have full blown PTSD, insomnia, anxiety disorder, and hypertension. I can not wait for this nightmare to be over! I feel drained and depleted. I hope I don't end up dead!
Not sure of the pertaining laws were you are living, but get her and her KIDS the hell out before a month is up. You might end up with long term squatters otherwise that can be nearly impossible to evict legally.
Yikes! 😮
I can relate to this nightmare.
I once allowed my very ill and dying brother in law into my home for tops a month until he got a bed in hospice.
Came to find out as time went by he wasn't even on the waiting list for hospice.
They considered him "Homed" as soon as he entered my home!
He knew this the whole time and never said a word ~ so manipulative and exploitive.
9 months later he passed away ~ I will never let anyone do this to me again.
Feel for you brother/sister (?) your home ceases to be a sanctuary and it's easy to get drained and exhausted.
I had PSW's (his caregivers) trapesing through my home at all hours getting my dogs barking taking over my spaces. (a massive chair lift installed on my tub meant I could no longer take a bath) A bath much needed to soothe my own muscle pain after working all day.
I came home to PSW's sitting at my table chatting and laughing while they waited for him to wake up! My home became their club!
Like I said I feel for you ~ such a tough situation. Take good care in whatever way you can. Hopefully she will soon depart.🤗
Rule number one, don't mistake being kind for being a doormat!
@@billbennett9537 Thanks. I am super confuse. I already ask her to leave at the end of the month, but it doesn't seem like she has plans to leave. I called a legal aid clinic to ask for advice, just incase she refuses to leave. The legal aid said that they cannot help. I am thinking of calling the police
Call the cops. Today. Have her removed today. Don’t tell her tell cops I have someone n my house whobefuses to leave she doesn’t pay rent is not a tenant she is trespassing please come tell her to leave.
There are times I feel angrier than they could ever dream of being.
I find that even though I am now far away from the grasp of a narcissistic sister that she still has the ability to enter my thoughts when I have a shaky day and lack of self belief. the pervasive nature of covert narcs lingers on. Your videos really help to ground me. Thankyou for your insight, wisdom and gus x
As time goes by, you'll not even think of her. That's the ultimate healing.
"They will not respect your boundaries."
Especially if you have none.
My husband spent years “grooming” me to see him as a knight in shining armour. It wasn’t until he had managed to get me pregnant and got me out of the United States before I was able to see any of the manipulating and lying he had done. And it was still 2 more years of a slow descent into madness before I had experienced enough trauma by him to fully grasp what I was dealing with. Now I’m just trying to get back home to the states where he can never find me or my kids again.
Great advice-don’t play the game. It’s all a game to a narcissist 🙄
yup, and when YOU stop playing ,THEY have no choice but to step completely away from the mask . and its bloody horrifying to behold;.
The thing they love the most - they'll say something to you, or text something to you, or email something to you that is indirectly disparaging or insulting to you, but wrapped in something that's supposed to be some kind of benefit to you. You know exactly what it is and sense the intended insult, and when you call them out on it they go full victim mode like how could you call me out I'm just trying to be helpful towards you. The worst kind of gaslighting.
It is absolutely blowing my mind how spot-on these descriptions are. I’ve seen other videos that, while yes, they seemed to indicate tendencies in a certain person in my life to be narcissistic, this video is as if you’ve been eavesdropping on our interactions. Every.Single.Aspect. I now know I’m not losing my mind lol
i felt the same way watching this video! He really breaks it down very well.
I think that Dr. Carter has particularly grasped and dissected covert narcissism. It truly is impressive.
Me too unfortunately. What amazes me is that NPD is like a shared playbook. They all follow these perverse rules.
I didn't see it for many many years until i moved away...i cant believe that my mom is one...now i decided to keep her as far as away from me...its baffling to me as to why my mom hates me so much...why would she sabotage and demean her own only daughter...i want the best for my child but from her all i get is jealousy and anger and minimizing my accomplishments...its like trying to have a relationship with a wall...
Its sad. I cannot take much more. I’m happy you are free! 😎
Those are her unresolved problems, it doesnt have to do anything with you.
I assure you there is no way to have a healthy relationship with a narc mother that hates you. i did not understand mine hated me until I was 65, five years ago. She is 96, and so healthy she could live to 100. Now she acts nice sometimes...i think she has forgotten to hate me. Hahaha
@@deawallace3584 Mine still hates me she is 91. I am her live-in caregiver I can do nothing right.
2:00 - It's all about mimicry,,dealing in falseness to appear as something they're not, and of course that includes trustworthiness.
This right here is why I have a hard time trusting that someone is who they say they are anymore.
They butter you up, until they think you are hooked. Then they get busy showing you that you are a second class citizen and only exist to serve them.
You're describing an ex-friend perfectly. I dumped this person when I got fed up with exactly the type of behavior you're describing here. I used to watch her interact with others, and wonder why they didn't become as annoyed as I was. In a previous video, you called it Communal Narcissism.
Same here!
Yes I can relate. I married a covert narcissist but it took me a long time to come to the realization that he was a narcissist. Due to health reasons I felt trapped and knew I needed to get out but he discarded me first. Now I am going through a bitter divorce and he is trying to cheat me financially smear my name to even my own attorney and has stalked me. It is unreal how vicious these individuals can be to get what they want and they play the victim card better than anyone because that is all they know to do and they leave a lot of broken lives and broken hearts in the end. I am still stunned but coming to terms with that this isn't my fault. Even though I know I did wrong within the marriage the indignities and all of his hurt is coming from his broken consciousness and not me. It is shocking how cruel and cold these people are underneath the skin.
They also CAUSE very serious health problems, including massive weight loss or gain in short periods of time, hair falling out and will even have YOU acting like a completely different person whos snappy and depressed and jumpy.
You’re an inspiration to me. I’ve been trapped with disabling chronic health issues and CPTSD. Which I now have come to realize has been worsening at a rapid speed due to his emotional abuse. Working on getting him away from me! For good. He’s literally killing me.
❤️🩹☮️
Your comment helps me, after 12 years married he blindsided me with a brutal discard,he's dragging out the divorce although he's been shacked up with the secretary from his work from day one.
The one that strikes me the hardest is that they seem to think that gratitude is degrading. If you give them something, they accept it like a royal who's being paid tribute. Of course they're entitled to that. But if you bail them out of trouble, they get really nasty. Lord help you if you point out that they should feel grateful. That that has set of the rage of my narcissist more than anything.
Of course they're dysfunctional and get themselves into bad situations over and over and OVER again, so they constantly need bailouts.
I think this reaction is a clue to how *they* feel when they do something nice or helpful for someone. They feel superior. They feel like they've done this great thing and that the other person should grovel and feel low for needing help. And then, when someone helps them, they assume that that person is feeling superior and think they're owed a good grovel. They cannot imagine feeling only love or compassion when helping someone or feeling desperate to DO something to spare someone pain. They can't imagine being non-judgmental while helping someone out of a bind.
My mother idk. You’d never catch her being “rude” or openly devaluing me etc. Whatever she does is super stealth coated in “niceness.” Like insults or condescension wrapped in a blanket of friendliness and sympathy and “concern.” She’s probly never spoken a harsh or rude word in her life, doesn’t blow up in anger, but what she says and does still cuts like a knife. She will declare to her dying day that she “loves me” and really wants me to be so independent, is happy for me etc but everything she does contradicts what’s coming out of her mouth. Yet subtly. And you can’t even argue with her either. She’ll disarm you by claiming to be oblivious or sad or denial via gaslighting. Something like “But I’m not doing that to you and I love you.” Or “I didn’t mean that” or “I don’t even know why you’re so upset or mad at me.” I don’t try anymore tho Bcuz you can’t even get to first base with resolving anything. It’s all just like totally playing dumb and innocent while behind all of that she is so conniving. With her it’s very Munchausen like. You don’t even know how to combat it Bcuz she will just deny there’s any war being waged at all. Open hostility would be so much easier to deal with imo.
Don’t deal with it. Just deal with it by walking away and don’t look back. I won’t judge you for making your mental health a priority, for making yourself feel safe. I’m sure millions others too would not judge you for wanting to keep your sanity.🙏.
@@ZLLi661 Plans are underway but these things do require some planning if you want them to last and be permanent. If it was just that simple for everyone, nobody would ever be “stuck with abusers.” And yet many are not out. Or not out just yet. Some are awake and trying and others are still blind. I’m just really glad it’s not under the same roof at least. But it’s also getting to where the same town is closer than I want to be to them. But at the same time I have to have somewhere to go and that place has to be something I can manage and sustain. It’s also no good just quickly running from the frying pan to the fire, which I also have done before. It didn’t last and I found myself right back in the pan again. This time I’m being much smarter about it tho and better preparing myself. The goal now is pretty much long term sustainability for myself. A plan that actually WILL work.
I also found that all I had to do was tighten the screws on a boundary or two anyways. I didn’t “deal with it”’last time. I just told my adult kid whatever we do when you come to town, it’s gonna have to be me and them separated. I actually had a great time also. Lol. A lot of these things really are just trial and error tho. We live, we learn. Then we do a bit better each time. Also I guess for every time I need to vent about how she snuck one in on me, there are prob 10 times when she tried and failed to get to me. We can imagine a better future, but we still have to know how to navigate the “in the mean time” stuff and live the best we can where we are right now.
This is highly educational, but also very chilling. I've been the only one who's been helping my 80 yo disabled mom, and it's really recently that I started to suspect that she has most likely been a covert narcissist all her life. A lot of those traits have been there for decades, but over the last several years, it seems that she went even further up that narcissism scale that these videos have been a lifesaver and a way to preserve my own sanity. The way how my mom always presents herself as my best friend and someone who lives for me and would give her life for me, yet ,as soon as I voice my own desires and preferences, I get labeled as being passive aggressive, having a short fuse and also end up being called clumsy, impractical, selfish, the one with his head in the clouds, unorganized etc. Yet if I do things the way she wants me to do them, I am the best son in the world and so talented and smart and creative. It really took me a long, long time to realize that it wasn't just my father who was a narcissist, but that my mother is probably one, too :(.
Ditto @59 yo as the ESCAPED Famdamnly GOAT.
narcs get worse with age... it doesn't end well..
I think there is an under-studied/under-literature’d phenomena of covert and overt narc pairings. That was my mom (a covert) and her husband (overt). They are truly awful people although I am cordial, polite and pray for them that their hearts are softened and opened to their emotional cruelties. I’m around them and I ask myself, “do we have the concept of demons to help us cope with narcissists or do we have the concept of narcissist to help us cope w/the reality of demons?”