What To Do With Stored Up Anger Toward A Narcissist
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- Опубліковано 7 кві 2023
- Even as you pull away from a narcissist, the emotional damage can linger. Dr. Les Carter describes how you can have stored up anger for an extended time, but as you understand why it is there and how to manage it, you can keep it from consuming you.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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Sometimes it’s stored up for so long that it no longer feels like anger. There’s despondency. Your feelings are held hostage inside and you “zone out” to “survive”.
Man Doctor, let your community find peace of mind, it bites my heart, to turn on a human, be disappointed, be ashamed, be like why, you folks keep your heart right for yourself, my well being, went to the what the darkside, they will suck away at the good life force of a good natural human being, ,thank ya ,go team healthy, stay ok , in your heart and mind, the dark side, is like. ,i got demons crawling up my ass, forgive me, for being, cruel, it hurt me more than it hurt you, to put my face in your face, and see a lost troubled narcissist, well im trying not to be lost in the system of madness, yeap my Doctor has strength, and i care for his input, very much,
True for me!
Exactly. Plus, they have an uncanny knack for twisting everything around so that they're always the victim.
Dr. C. will bring clarity, as always. ❤
@@tbunnyshy1 I 'zone out' in the garden sometimes. I'm not that good at it as my mobility is poor. But, it's a dose of fresh air and vit D 👍
"Your anger is the part of you that knows that your abuse and mistreatment are unacceptable. Your anger knows that you deserve to be treated well and with kindness. Your anger is a part of you that loves you." - Lindsay Gallant
I love that. Thanks
Needed this
the you that loved you.....
❤❤
Who is Lindsay Gallant? She sounds very wise.
"Your best characteristics are used against you." Absolutely! This is so true. Your compassion, agreeableness, forgiveness and loyalty are used against you.
Yep. U are called "weak".
My mom used to get me to “feel sorry” for my dad when he abused me. She said he did it cuz his mom was so mean, so I should feel sorry for him and forgive whatever he does. I did that until I started to feel sorry for everyone else and I wasn’t even feeding myself.
Yes, 💯..It is so frustrating because it seems like we have no choice but to break our own standards of living to survive. For me it was divorce that I had to do to find peace but I did not want to do that and he thought I would never do that but, I had to.
@@orridgenalcurlsncoir9253 I’ve been called weak so many times by my narc family it’s made me feel useless but on the rare occasion I’ve stood up for myself I’ve been told I’m selfish or antagonistic! That is the mind of a truly twisted person.
Yes, because I was a patient, loving and nurturing mother to my two boys I was called “indulgent” by the covert narc in my life. His sister, who is also a narcissist told me once, “I can’t believe how attached you are to that baby”, meaning my one year old son. She was trying to shame me, but at the time I didn’t know what I was dealing with until many years later.
The caliber of anger I carry sometimes makes me feel like I'm going to die. I'm currently planning my escape after 5 years of abuse. I'm a shell of my former self. Good luck to all
Hope you'll find a safe way to live out your anger. I went to a desolate place to yell and scream. Smashed soft toys into the wall...
Keep safe, keep strong
I found a smashatorium...it helps sometimes. Leaving is when you get the Razzle Dazzle, to end all others, stay strong. Good luck.
You can do it!
You can do it! I still get angry, but not as often after two years away from this ex-friend. It really is hard because what they do to you is so vile. I processed a lot and make more space for doing things that celebrate me. That is what is key is to take yourself back, do self-care, be easy on yourself and start to like yourself more and more, while processing through everything and taking a break from processing it from time to time too. Now that I'm 2 years past this, I see progress more and more. If you keep a journal, you can go back and see how far you've come.
Ive noticed how everyone, the partners, use the words: escape, imprisonment, threats abuse. And that's correct. There is no way You can just leave as there will be repercussions. It's insane. They are insane. Baffling and totally bonkers these individuals are, causing a path of destruction like no other.
All my love and good intention were sabotaged, my self worth drained, my feelings dismissed, my thoughts invalidated and my soul tortured...no wonder I am angry. I was taken as a fool, manipulated and humiliated. I realize I want to chose true light instead of darkness disguised as light. I am grateful Dr. C is here giving us the wisdom to decide what is healthy and good.
I am struck by your beautiful, yet painfully accurate words.
Beautifully said. Perfect. Exactly what mine did to me. 💕
That's everything iam going through...
Godless!
@@TYLER-jz6uv Mine was an Atheist. But thought himself GOD!
Bless this is exactly what I am going through.
I just don't know how I am going to free myself.
We have been together for 30 years. Yes I have accepted he will never change.
And resigned myself to the fact that we can never communicate as two reasonable adults.
I get blamed for things totally beyond my control.
Even for a poor tomato crop.
I am starting to find a way through.
I always thought if I was just kinder more patient he would appreciate me.
My emotions had become dependent on his emotions. A true codependent behaviour.
Managing long-term anger:
* embrace it (up to a point) - it's ok and keeps you safe
* try not to let an identity of the wronged one become dominant or define you (you're a survivor not a victim)
* radical acceptance - it happened
* stay away from all or nothing thinking - your life is not ruined
* avoid winner/loser thoughts - you're neither, don't play their game
* give up hope of ever changing the narcissist
* turn the anger into an opportunity to deepen your empathy
* I have higher priorities - I'm not going to let a troubled soul determine who I'm going to be. It's my future.
Thank you for this summary. Also:
"Let your decency define you... this will position you as a person of peace."
Excllent revelations! Spot on!!
Beautiful!
Thank you!
Wise habits to make
Betrayal of trust is the worst.
I completely agree. The set up is hard to process and the fact they were setting the scene to neighbours knowing they would be using me/covering their exploitation.😊🙏🪷
I think what makes me angriest about the narcs in my life is that they never SAW me. I've known some of them for my entire life, but they acted like they didn't know me, never met me, never asked me what I was thinking, but yet they "knew everything" about me.
I hear you loud and clear. They can’t crush your soul without making you feel like a ghost first.
I relate to that. I mean that they claim to know all about you but know nothing about you.
It’s because they only see themselves!! They don’t bother to truly get to know anyone else for who they are!!
@@emilykirkman8468 they don't know themselves either as they are not self-reflective enough.
I concluded that they lack curiosity and depth because it takes all their focus to control everything. The degree of control is extreme.
Narcissists love the idea that you still hold on to anger, that they still occupy your thoughts. Negative reinforcement is still reinforcement. Letting go, deciding instead to spend your time being happy & pursing truth, honesty & positive energy is the best revenge.
Yes, but the second best revenge is the karma that's gonna hit the narcissist's ass sooner or later.
It's truly astonishing how many people are dealing with this soul sucking situation. Blows my mind. When we hear of "domestic violence" being spoken of, physical abuse is often referenced, but the psychological torment so many humans are having to deal with is truly a shocking situation that is discussed often I know - but almost seems like not enough cuz it truly is living in an absolute nightmare with a conniving soul sucking terrorist, for lack of a better term ...
It's ruining my life & personality! 😢
@@kathie6585 I hear you my dear it's been 15 years of the same here. But I finally see the light. You must NOT react. You must keep all emotion out of the equation. Look up the Gray Rock method. Give them nothing. Took a long to realize YOU WILL NOT: change them, get through to them, or ever be heard or understood by them. EVER. You're not even a person to them you're a toy. Once I realized that my desire to keep trying or wanting to try disappeared. Protect yourself. Show no interest. And plan your escape. Or else you're just continuing to volunteer to be in a prison. There's no "relationship" there. Nor is there "love." I'm finally detached from caring & my focus is 100% on my self-care. You can do it. Gotta realize there is no way to win, ever. Get out ;) xoxo
I call my soul sucker my "personal terrorist"
OMGGGG! Before exiting I told him those exact words! That he was a soul sucking evil tyrant!(demon)! Ughhhh
@@cinderella5027 I've been doing this method without even realizing it. Self preservation. I'm just distancing from him as much as I can until I can get out. He's always trying to play on my guilt but I've mostly remained strong. I'm just DONE though. So done. I'm working on the anger stuff. He really tries to push my buttons on a DAILY basis. Just today, I made myself a snack and he asked for a bite so I said sure. Then he ate most of it and of course I was pissed but didn't engage. I have called out his extreme sense of entitlement in the past and it's never done a THING to change him so why waste my breath. 🥱
"I'm not about to let a troubled soul determine what I'm going to be." That's what I needed to hear. Thanks for saying it!
I believe they don't have souls. I would go with "I'm not about to let a demon determine what I'm going to be."
@@avennewessel8699 I have said I'm not going to be food for demons, and I put that on my wall on a piece of paper for years.
They may have a soul, but they're empty and traumatized and many of them are not headed to the good place when they die. They're figuring out how to heal it, but that doesn't mean we have to be consumed like worthless pieces of crap in the process!
YES!!!!!!!
@@avennewessel8699 the are evil people, no question or doubt of that.
Don’t let yourself get sick and emotionally off balanced over ppl who are never going to change
My narcissist seems to be the one with stored up anger. He also always has to win. I've never been so sick of anyone in my life.
Same with my ex boyfriend of 7 years. It's been a year since he discarded me and then I had to escape from his sister's house. Long story. Yes, their desperate need to win is sickening.
I just said those words to my sister
I can relate! At least he's gone!
YES!!!!!!!!
Mine flies into a rage, puts holes in walls, breaks things, screams in my face and he's even gone as far as to grab me by the neck a couple of times but he acts like I'M the crazy one. 🙄
I hate that I hate myself for letting it happen
Anger and hurt from a 40 year narcissistic relationship.. and I can’t let go!!
Keep watching this channel and keep reading the transcripts.
Same
It's gotta be the worst part. They infect you with their anger.
I think that the crucial point causing so much anger in us is the fact, that we trusted that partner, friend, parent, sibling, and were therefore vulnerable. That hurts and it is humiliating because we feel our deepest essence being exposed and trampled on. Ty for the video
Narcissists are traitors, they are unfaithful, disloyal, they destroy, they betray trust and love. That act of high treason against trust and love creates tremendous anger in people, because narcissists defy all ethics, all morality, to the point of insanity. They destroy what is lifegiving, they are traitors against the very spirit of Life and truth.
100%
This!!!!
That's where I am at. I m finding out the hard way my whole life was built around someone else's lies they used to manipulate me into doing stuff for them with the full intent to cash out my life work in the end with zero care for what it would do to me.
I'm fighting back but I know damn well I am losing everything in the end because our justice system is so broken and corrupt that I can't even get my evidence looked at.
you would have died for that person, and stayed out of loyalty and a child, only to be systematically torn apart, never to be fully reconstructed, with the harpy still using your child as bait
Such a calm, empathic individual he is. So dignified and committed to helping others achieve inner peace and self-worth. Thanks, Dr C.
Can’t forget how much anger stems from the narc’s ability to escape all accountability for his/her actions and continue to cause their victim to carry the burden. They’ll take everything you have, even your kids and there is no justice in this world.
I believe there is ultimate justice - we may just not live to see it.
Eternal justice
Anger is a healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation. Use the anger as a tool to tell you when it's time to leave and after you've left you will still still angry, but it is a necessary step in healing. If you try to suppress the anger out of guilt or shame you will never completely completely heal
You get it, Margaret.
As an addition; whenever possible step back so the anger won't control your actions. Things done out of anger are certain to errode your self-respect, I learned that the hard way.
I left one workplace because of a narcissistic boss, who just kept threatening everyone constantly, openly saying he will have you fired you just dare to say a word, or phrases like "who do you think is easier to fire you or me". I was there for 4 years. I made a good professional move to just land in the hands of another narcissist. This one is a different kind, he does not threaten anybody and does not go into open confrontations (actually he seen to be scared of open confrontations and usually flees when he is merely a witness to one), but he just loves to bend the reality and to tell people they are idiots for not being able to defy the laws of physics. It enrages me so bad, I come home from work, I am drained, I do not want to eat, I do not want to talk, I do not want to be touched or go anywhere, I spend all of my time in bed. Just to give an example, this week I came to work after my days off, started my day, about an hour later got caught up with emails and in one of those I see that my boss emailed me that he changed my schedule for this day, which was not communicated to me about in any other way. I got the bait and responded to him - how did you expect me to know that you changed my schedule if the only way for me to know is to keep up with my work emails from home and I have said previously that I am not longer doing that. His response was - what is so hard in coming to work, reading your emails and adjusting the time you come to work that day? It is obviously not that hard! Let me know if you have any other questions.
And this situation is absolutely "normal" and basic for our workplace and similar ones happen all the time.
I am shaking with anger went to his boss twice in the past 18 months, and the response was - you need to learn how to work as a team.
I do not see how I can stay much longer, but at the same time I love my job and am confused why I have to leave because of one arse who cannot figure out how to be a productive member of society. He always has to dump his work on everybody else because he needs to go home to his family (we all have families), he constantly gaslights people and many have quit because of him. He loves to pin people against each other when he feels they may be friends against him, convinces disgruntled employees to write complaints about others and helps in writing those.
Why do I have to turn my life upside down and look for another job just because he won't let people be?
Boss' reply is a total cop-out. There is no team where there is no leadership. It may be frustrating to have to leave a job you love, but it's not going to get better.
The more I learn, the more anger I get. It's just impossible not to feel it.
Me too....ever since learning about narcissism I have sunk into a dark fury that is frightening.
@@barb7124 Give it time. I think anger can be positive if it helps you to move forward. I think "that monster will NOT destroy my life".
True, anger is inevitable , but as Dr. Carter says, it would be abnormal NOT to feel the anger...
Realising what's behind it all is half the battle !
You can reason with YOURSELF, which you (we) couldn't do with the real culprit !
Stick with it ! Build up your self esteem, and eat well : you deserve to feel better 🙂.
🙂👍🦉🌈💙🙂
Funny I think like that all the time. In some way it keeps me going...
@@rosemariemann1719 thank you!
I've gone no contact with my older sister for almost 3 years now. She was cruel and hateful. She continued to send me birthday and Christmas cards. I sent nothing. She texted to make sure I was OK. She invited me to Easter dinner this year via text..I didn't go. If she calls I won't answer. Every time she reaches out it reignites the anger. It takes a few weeks for me to become balanced again. I have a forgiving heart, but after all of the years of her abuse it has hardened towards her. Thank you for this video. I desperately need it.
Transfer that anger back to your sister. Tell her exactly how you think of her and give her examples of how her behavior effected you. My sister has narcissistic tendencies that she learned from our mother. Several years ago I cursed her out and told her exactly how I felt about her treatment. I told her that she was a disgusting human being lousy wife and a failure as a mother.
Last year we reconciled and I still limit her access to me. Recently she came to me for advice on a situation between her daughter and her grandchild. She never apologized for her ill treatment. But, that conversation was her way of admitting that I was right when I told her 30 years ago, her poor treatment of her daughters would come back to bite them all. When you tell a narc how you really feel, straight no chaser, it opens their eyes and they see you differently. You are no longer their victim.
Why don't you block her? Get a divorce and don't look back. Let the kindling that is your anger igniter sit in it's old fire pit and walk away.
Keep loving yourself. She is sick. You have chosen not to share the germs. Good for you!
If you haven't blocked her then you have not gone no contact.
I was going to say change your number. I’m older😂
Stored up, bottled up anger shut down my digestive system. I couldn't eat anything, couldn't digest it. Depressed my immune system, every time I got stressed, I'd get a cold.
Only forums like this, and cognitive therapy, and channels like this one and now,"wizard of words", taught me to not care anymore. Years of work.
I knew I was getting somewhere when my stomach wasn't hurting anymore.
What it really boiled down to, is the conscious act of:
NOT GIVING A DAMN!😂
Yeah!
That simple!
No contact.
Best to use that Anger energy to put a curse on them.
Ask god to give them cancer and rot them in hell
Couldnt agree more. Great statement.
That made me smile because it's true. We care far too much what these narcs think and it can ruin our mental and physical health. Glad you sorted it, because sometimes it really is as simple as not giving a damn!
Hey guys that's a few upvotes, so I'd like to help that indigestion you might have with what worked for me.
Lime Juice from a bottle NOT fresh. PH is about 1.4.
Go 50/50 lime juice with orange juice, or whatever you like, even water. The lime juice is the active ingredient, if you're macho enough to chug it straight, go for it. Otherwise half and half, tall glass, 8oz.
Drink that before you eat, DO NOT DRINK ANY OTHER BEVERAGE!!!
It will dilute the acidity and that's what's wrong. You're not too acidic, you're not acidic enough to digest anything and it's rotting in your gut! OUCH!
You will feel relief 15 minutes after you drink it!
I lived like that for 8 years until I could rewire my brain right!
Nobody ever figured out what was wrong, so I'll take a shot at it.
When I'm stressed out my gall bladder "puckers up" and doesn't release the bile need to digest fats and proteins.
What do you think? Any doctors in here?
Oh yes! Many times I heard: 'You have to be more assertive'. I even followed a professional 6 day training that cost me around 2000 dollars. Omg. But it didn't help much. As it turned out, my assertiveness wasn't really the problem. It was the fact that being assertive doesn't work with a narcissist at all. It just triggers them to go fully into crazy mode.
I thought with narcissists assertiveness is seen as a challenge to them and they get worse.
@@sarcasticcat4982 yes they double down.
Truth, my narc mother & I would get into vicious arguments.
I’d been passive for years, w/ my narcs”, letting them abuse me in a wide variety of ways. There are many ways to be assertive w/ them & setting boundaries is what it’s all about. Of course they won’t like it.
Fully into manipulation mode... Whenever you speak up for yourself or your children...be prepared for more of their mind feckery.
“I am not about to let a troubled soul determine who I am going to be and what my future is going to be.” 💯🙏
As an adult survivor of childhood NPD abuse, I have endless grief. Sometimes I find anger instead, but it takes sitting with the sadness and sort of talking to it. The anger that sometimes comes up when I think of what's been done to me, feels so very healing. It makes me angry-happy, makes me feel stronger, more in the here and now. More self reliant. Because that anger protects that little child. It protects boundaries. It loves me. I was never allowed to show anger, ghrowing up. My only way of protesting or protecting my own self, was crying, shut in my room.
Anger, even hate, can be used as a spiritual energy to command with passion against the evil working through the narcissist.
Agreed. It is inherently to protect your sanity, my anger makes me extremely focused and, because I am just, I need not ever feel remorse.
I call it Holy Anger!!! To pray for them and cast the demons out!!!!
@@MrsCheckpointJesus yes. To provide a checkpoint to the demons/evil spirits a passionate firm command in holy anger carries a lot of authority.
This energy has to be transformed into something constructive though... That takes a bit of insight, experience and wisdom....
I'm the winner if I stay no contact, because I win back my self respect and win back my life from his toxicity. He's the loser because he lost me, somebody who was devoted to his happiness and wellbeing: this is a valid distinction worth making, for all of us.
I’m going through this anger now. I’ve dealt with a narcissist sibling for 63 years and finally said enough. It’s astonishing to watch how this person is bad mouthing and gaslighting and is so good at it that people believe it. Thank you for this video it truly helped.
I have a similar story. God has led me through some dark , painful times of learning to face the truth. But His light was always with me. I have more steps to take and then must remain steadfast to keeping the boundary in tact. For my sanity’s sake.
My days are brighter now.
Prayers that your journey leads to a brighter, more hopeful and blessed life.
Me too.. I am just biding my time until my mothers funeral is over then I will never have to have contact with my sister again.
I wish you all the best. I'm 38 and have lived my whole life with a malignant narcissist/sociopathic sister. Solidarity. Stay strong.
well mine just turned on me in one move, no reason to see it before. That was simple, they were dead to me from that day. I knew how to act after 40 years with the wife. He was sooooo easy, she....... sadly ingrained deep in the psyche and my child...
Same boat. Stay strong and be kind to yourself.
I'm 36 hours early that's how much I need to hear this.
I hear you. It feels like despondency could be deeply buried anger. Its like your inside is held hostage in silence with hurt and anger, on the outside you just freeze.
You and me both!!!!
Same, this title really caught my eye because I’ve been feeling angry on the inside a lot lately 😅
Ditto! Lol 😁
Same here. Desperately !
This is just the message I needed today!
After my mother's death in December, it became clear to me that my narcissistic father would never change.
I have gone no contact with him and 2 siblings are now not speaking to me.
I am trying to work through all the anger from years of abuse.
It has been so wonderful to stop all of the criticism and negativity.
You have been such a wonderful resource in my new life!
Thank you so much!
Same!
Same here.and I feel so goooooood.
Going no contact finally with a family member isn't all rosey in my life. When the other siblings are against me for doing so, not understanding ( or judging my action as "extreme" ) nor caring to get the overall context, then it means that I might be talked about behind my back and/or uninvited to some family affairs. That can hurt a lot. Do I regret going no contact? No. Is it great? Let's just say it's not ideal, but relationships are complicated. They don't have to be, but can be.
How do you live out your anger in a safe way? I threw soft toys into the wall and went to an isolate place to yell and scream.
What do you do?
I understand I'm anticipating this for the near future unfortunately
The rage from having narcissistic parents is sometimes overwhelming. You live in an environment where they want to exert total thought control. Every sigh, every footstep, even just doing nothing at all, will be interpreted as some affront to their authority. I can’t count the number of times my parents viciously hit me for some slight that they just made up in their mind. I was “ungrateful” or treating them like a “slave”, or whatever. They would accuse you of and punish you for things that never even entered your imagination.
And there were just no repercussions for them. At least not in this lifetime. They used you as a punching bag to vent all of their anger and frustration, and they slept great at night. Meanwhile, the children in the house all have PTSD, can’t sleep and have health consequences because of their erratic and insane behavior.
So yeah. There’s anger. And it’s not something most of us even want.
I went through the same. I feel for you & all of those who have been through this. I thought i'd escaped when i marrried - his family was worse because it was covert - at least i knew where i stood (or fell) when i was being physically abused. My parents exercised covert, too, but the overt yelling, screaming, crashing, banging & belting by my father was easier to deal with that the dowright controlling sneaky underhand pervasiveness of my husbamd's evil mother. I hate them both, & they did ruin my life because i was so ill for most of my life because of it. I'm now in my 60s & most of thrm are dead, only my 98yr old father who's still as controlling as ever & who i see rarely, & my husband's 60yr old brother who wants nothing to do with us are left & they, sadly, still believe their own lies.
I can't express into words the rage I have towards my father.
Same.
@@SK-tk6biSame.
Understand. So sorry.
Both of my aged parents are "World Class" Covert Narcissists. I am currently 64 years old and know my life will not begin until they are both in the ground. I plan on having a gravestone stating that "Here Lies Two Angry People." My anger is multiplied because I am angry that they were always angry with me. It is the only emotion they know how to express. I have to manage my anger daily, else the Menendez Brothers would be my heroes. Lizzy Borden may have had Narcissistic parents too. Parents are supposed to be a source of support and love, not a source of non-stop emotional pain. I moved 5,000 miles away to Alaska and they still maintained control. I am a former military officer with two wars experience and would much rather be in constant combat than dealing with these demons. Thank you for your guidance.
I'm 65 and both of my abusive parents are now (thankfully) dead. The anger keeps resurfacing, however, whenever somebody I meet (or relatives) cannot understand the relationship I had with my parents. People are always throwing "honor your father and mother" crap at me. The shadow of my parents is always there. FYI
@@sandrab2589 We are called to honor our parents, yet if they are not honorable, God knows that and understands that pain. It's very much like a soldier who is exempt from following an unlawful order. Try as I may, to treat them with dignity and respect and respond with love, forgiveness, and understanding, I still know that the day my Mother dies will be the happiest day of my life and I have had some pretty happy days...lol. Paul warned us that in the end times, men will be lovers of themselves, but this culturally celebrated narcissism is ridiculous. Be well and overcome that "shadow" by stepping into the light. Now you can shine.
@@rhinocus When people come at me with the 5th commandment "honor your father..." I remind them that is the old testament and in the New Testament, Jesus says "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life" (Matthew 19:29)
I understand every word you typed.
Of course, the narcissist crossed the limit, broke your boundaries, attacked your integrity, tried to erase your identity, drained the life force out of you - how could you not want revenge? -
Bingo!
The best revenge is a life well lived, eventually moving on and free
I don’t want revenge because it will make me evil too. I have chosen freedom and revenge is just the flip side of the same coin and a one way trip to losing my freedom and identity as distinct from the evil I have suffered. No way!!! No way!!!
I have chosen dignity, integrity, respect but not any form of yielding or surrender to the poison. I am 50 years married to a narcissist. I consider marriage to be a covenant. I choose to remain faithful to my vows knowing full well the cost. But I also know Christ and the power flowing from his resurrection and this gives me strength, courage, and the grace to live with inner peace despite the deep hurt and betrayal of this relationship. But the dear Lord promised to be close to the broken hearted and he is always faithful to his promises. Always! This life is short. Like a blink. The next one is eternal. Therein lies my hope. If I am faithful now the dear Lord will be my refuge and my shield and will bring me home when he knows the timing is optimal. It isn’t going to be easy but I don’t let my spouse tell me who I am or what capabilities I have. I consider the source and decline to believe the words spoken. I hurt! Sometimes I hurt a lot. But I turn to the Faithful One and put all my love and hope and trust there. And from there I can be a source of strength and encouragement for others. Some days are worse than others. Some days are terrible and I feel the pain more intensely. No surprise. But overall, I am happier than I have been in a long time. Sometimes even joyful. I have listened and learned from Dr. C and Dr. Ramani. There is goodness in what they say. A big thank you to both!!
@@TheTELproductions A caged bird spreads its wings and flies away once the door is opened. It doesn't go back to its captor to peck their eyes out.
Flying away doesn't change the pain and torture of living in a small, cramped cage, nor does it change the malicious behavior of the captor, however the bird is now free to live life the way it was meant to be lived.
@@fructosecornsyrup5759 well said
In the beginning you’re in shock that someone you love and trust would treat you this way and then after repeated abuse it’s just par for the course.
And in a shock that a neighbor would treat you this way, a friend, classmate, coworker, boss, fellow parishioner. For some of us it is a pattern, escape one, another steps up.
There are not enough words to say, sir, how excellent a counselor you are. I'm a 69 y/o daughter of an extreme covert narcissistic mother when she was alive (and from whom I had to go no contact from in my late 40s). - So I know that every word you said is so true. Am still "worn out" from it all though, and believe it or not but, even at my age, am still healing - but am almost there due solely to all of your's and other's videos such as these. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and expertise for free with people such as myself. God bless.
My frustration comes from therapists & court ordered "specialists" having no idea how to treat an individual who has been abused by a Narc. It isn't always as simple as "breathing" it away or just getting over it. A covert Narc is well trained at pretending they aren't what they truly are.
I so agree, it feels like being mis- knowledged,twice. Nowadays, and in essence i asked one critical question; 'do you know/ and or off the expertise of, Dr C?' if they don't-, keep on searching for the right therapist :). Be save and healthy! ❤
Same here!
Therapists are tricky. I met 1 lately as cold as ice. A psychopath and now i am trying to get another one from the same agency. But sure she already poisoned the heart of everyone against me. Simply go and leave them with their💩...i never thought i would have to be so strong and push back all these baloney
Well said. They wear their mask like their life depends on it. In a way, it does.
Omg yes, it's infuriating when people with zero first hand experience have these "simple solutions" for victims like, just get away from him, get a divorce etc. They minimize our trauma and insult our intelligence in one foul swoop!
Your best quality is not the narcissists to take. It's an illusion. You still have that best quality. Make it shine--use it a lot--help your own healing with that great quality of yours!
I wrote my narcissist of 60 years (brother) a letter 4 years ago detailing all the vignettes where he took giant craps on me; he loved to belittle my efforts in life and to shame me with dealings with our parents; ; in the letter I recommended we "talk" it over in order to "heal"; the letter destroyed the relationship, he couldn't even say "I had no idea, I am so sorry" - he blamed me for carrying a "grudge" and that was that. He was unable to even talk about it with me. I said "is there something so dangerous it can't be discussed"? Well apparently ....... the narcissist finds it so.
long ago I wrote detail letters, because they never let you speak long enough to make a complete point.
Letters never work either.
No contact, does.
I did something similar. From the video: "Stop hoping things will change."
Tried healing similar age. Took years to find out not possible. Bringing things up only brings anger and denial. No contact now. Hard, but getting better.
Years ago, I realized my covert marcissist mother was telling me one thing and my overt, bullying narcissist the completely opposite thing, which often resulted in conflict between him and me, and his tactics are name-calling, disdain, condescension and insults. For a long time after I realized this was going on, I thought the problem was that Mom invalidated my feelings when I would try to explain how painful this dynamic was for me. "I don't understand why this keeps happening, but that's just the way he is. You should know that by now."
Now, I realize how active she's always been in setting up these ridiculous juvenile conflicts, reveling in what is basically sibling rivalry for her attention and approval. I can't believe it took me this long to figure out how sick she is; malignant bullying has been the hallmark of my brother's personality all his life.
What has worked for me, as angry as I've been about the whole mess: abject indifference about Mom when communicating brother and vice versa. I simply ignore the multiple, ham-handed invitations to comment on a photo or message or "concern" about them. Neither of them know what to do when I just say something like "Oh" and nothing more when they try to start a conversation about the other. It's a very quick, pleasant and certain way to end a conversation without having to deal with the emotional hangover.
You wrote the letter hoping for understanding. What you failed to realize is treating you badly gives the narc joy. They enjoy hurting people who love them. Narcissists cannot love themselves and despise anyone who will love someone as worthless as they are.
Instead of appealing to the empty hole in his chest, release your rage and write him a letter telling him that he is a piece of crap using all of the examples of how he had treated you in 60 years. That what will hit home. Tell him he aint sh!t with EXAMPLES. it will not only crush him, he will actually respect you for not being a doormat.
I believe that I have forgiven the narcissists and set healthy no-contact boundaries, yet occasionally I find myself feeling momentarily sad and/or angry that these kind of hurtful, deceptive people are in the world...still hurting & deceiving others. But a comforting truth that I recently heard was that NEVER can a person try to twist the fabric of reality and get away with it. NEVER.
Thank you so very much - I really needed to hear this!
Dealing with sadness for a narcissistic sibling’s recent care and passing away, causes me to agree with you that it is so hard to accept the hardship and wounding that goes on, both with the narcissist, and with the relationships. Like a virus from hell, it affects everyone. But recognizing that it is hellish, gives me clear direction to proceed differently.❤
anger got me out of the horrific trauma bond with an evil narc..so grateful, my anger got me a new life of peace & tranquility..
I’ve been pretty good at pretending I'm NOT angry, but on and off I FEEL it! The BEST solution is SELF-CARE and SELF-LOVE. And a BOXING BAG, music, comedy, art - especially writing! I’ve found that writing helps me! It all just FLOWS OUT of you, and you realise or come to know things you think and feel, that you didn't really know you did! To anyone who reads this, Give it a try! Thanks again for your knowledge, good man.
I hear you! Sometimes I write how I am feeling with my non-dominant hand. It resembles child-like writing and I feel it helps me get in touch with my heart. Much of it is things like “My dad did the best he could…he was hurt as a kid too…etc”. Just whatever is on your heart at the time.
@@tbunnyshy1 I love this idea!
@@tbunnyshy1 That's good. I've never thought of doing that before. I suppose it would feel less controlled and free compared to your dominant hand. That's interesting... the heart is much more free when the controlled mind gets out of the way, or something like that.
@@jsc0625 I'm glad. Go try it when you feel like it!
I'm just cold....no tears left, no emotions left....it's going to take some time. Dr. Carter's videos, guidance and insights are beyond helpful. Thank you Dr. Carter. You are a lifesaver.
I've found that when I still cared, it was very easy to be hurt or get angry. Because now I no longer care, I no longer feel hurt and/ anger Time to stand for yourself..with self love, respect, knowing worth. Today, if I see a pattern of behavior where, what I offer to others is not returned, I merely move off. Only spend your time, love, compassion, respect with other that treat you the same.
Yep...cold.
I survived 9 years of abuse. Lost my mind when he committed suicide because I left. Found out all about the things I didn't know. Finally started rehabilitation and counciling in 2018. I am an amazingly strong individual. I can spot and skirt narcissists now. Happy life full of love is what I will ever deserve. I wish everyone who experienced their worst gets to experience their best life now. ❤
You are such a strong individual for going through this.woww your comment made me cry as my traumabond made me put myself in your position
I'm so sorry he did that.and I'm hoping you don't carry any self blame or guilt for his choice
I had to work through feelings of shame, guilt, and regret. Mostly, I had to rediscover myself and realize I am a good human being. Today, I sometimes have intrusive thoughts but quickly ask myself, are these my own truth or just his lies. He was a very sick person who is now at peace, I pray. Everybody l♡ve Everybody and be joyful!
@@kendrasue7265 one day at a time.self love and being super patient with yourself and really truly love the heck out of yourself!!!!! Those intrusive thoughts will probably happen to me too when I leave.its defenetly a journey.and you are so strong and resilient!!!!!
After my breakup with narcissistic ex I almost immediately started psychotherapy. It took many weeks to crawl out from my victim mentality and now after almost 6 months I still feel anger. It's vanishing slowly now, day after day I feel less anger. This video helped a lot too. Especially the terms "being wronged" and "unfair" describe my feelings perfectly. The whole story is now coming to a conclusion and I believe in few months I will be completely free of this stored anger.
It's astonishing how much damage a narcissistic person can cause.
A Counselor told me to journal, yell, hit the bedspread w/ a tennis racquet 🎾 if you need to! There's no work around. The only way is through it.
🎯🎯🎯
Absolutely 👍
I'm here for journaling , it took me a minute to get it but it Really works .
I'm all about Patterns these days ...🚩🚩🚩🚩
@@texaspatty458 I don't get on well with journaling as I get a foggy brain. But small lists help routine my day/life. We definitely need a pattern to follow 👍
I love journaling! My son saw it and asked me what I intended to do with it because I had caricatures of his father in it illustrating him. Illustrations too convey feelings. I told him it was for me and my vented feelings.( I do not view my journal as a badge of courage, but an expression of my truth.) I told him It was not for everybody or anybody but me. It helped me put my feelings into words with no judgement. It helped me give clarity to my present situation. Even Dr. C's quotes are a gentle reminders I write in there to help me stay grounded in peace. ... He told me I should discard it when I am through because there would be those who would attach shame to it if they should read it. I really don't care. When I don't need it anymore, or I have moved on it will still be my truth. I can choose what to do with it, when I am ready. And yes, I still have to work my way through my situation, but this method still helps.
I grew up with a single parent, my mother, who was a vicious and destructive narcissist. For very many years, right into my thirties, the anger I felt towards her was so overwhelming I didn't even dare think about her. I didn't DO anger; I was not an "angry" person. Anger frightened me. It didn't help that I was constantly hearing that "Children of divorced or separated parents feel guilty, because they blame themselves". I didn't feel guilt (my parents "separated" in the sense that my mother's relentless aggression, rage, violence and lies drove my father away) - I just felt anger. So I wound up feeling guilty for not feeling guilty... I only came to terms with the anger, dealt with it and moved on... When I was well into my 50s. This topic is SO important!
Silas
Same in my family. Everyone in the mind set of self preservation but strangely needing to stay triangulated around the narc and blaming each other for their problems. It's never the narcs fault. Such a weird dynamic to grasp and live out ones life.
My narc parents stayed together until I was 22. She had me taking sides. Using my golden child brother & I as pawns, when she wanted to communicate with him. Trying to ruin dates I'd have & chase men away that were interested in me. That woman was miserable all her life, married or single. Nothing was right for her.
you hit a soft spot with me "Anger frightened me." Ah ha moment as it made me realize how afraid I am of angry people. I can hardly confront someone, even on the phone about a billing problem. I get so stressed, I think about it over and over. An then my husband deals with the situation which gets me out of it, but in the end I don't learn how to manage angry people.
my snake brother in law has blocked my sister from me, I haven't seen or spoken to her for over a year, because he's angry that he didn't get what he thought "he" should from a family inheritance (not even HIS family!). My sister has mental health problems and he controls her 100%. A truly sick situation and I miss her very much. Yes, and the guilt, so many times I've thought about what I coulda, shoulda, woulda done differently. But in the end there is no other way things could have gone. Everything was legally done by the will. That said, I've come to learn that estates bring out the very worst in narcissistic people.
This is my life my
@@susanlewis4078
My sibling's spouse, who was/is a narcissist, began manipulating things before I was 14, such that by that time, my relationship with my sibling was becoming distant. Their spouse kept it up, until we were estranged. That was 1987, 35 years ago. I have no idea where they are, but I loved my sibling very much. Narcissists are destroyers. They are not of Life-energy but of the opposite.
I went through a smear campaign during our divorce and custody battle. He used the court system for years to hurt and humiliate me. Now the abuse continues through our child. He doesn't care the hurt he causes our child as long as it affects me. Yes my anger keeps getting triggered
I have just recently reached the comforting realization that " this is is the cards I have been dealt". I can live with it. I think I was just angry because the way that I live my life, I guess I think it shouldn't have happened to me. The narcissist will be in my life for probably another 10 years but I look at it now as just gum on my shoe.
Thank you. I will. Just put on Tom Petty's " Won't Back Down". My new theme song.
I ghosted my narcissist neighbor for 4 years after some very damning comments she made to me. I gave her a second chance thinking she had learned her lesson. How stupid was that!!!!!!So 16 months ago I cut her off permanently. I have been surprised at how well I have handled it. I just simply cannot have people like that in my life and neither should you!!!!If they can’t be happy for you, are always jealous, and can’t self reflect you need to cut them loose. No one is worth the damage a narcissist can do. Thanks Dr. C.
Ghosting is something narcissists do. Just saying... 🧐
@@verabolton There is a tendency in our society to blame the victim without knowing the circumstances
@@lisar4601 What are you trying to say?
Ghosting is something narcissists do, it's a fact.
Victims sometimes learn and copy the behaviour of their abusers. And sometimes abusers claim victimhood. What more circumstances do you need to know?
No healthy person will ghost another, this behaviour is unhealthy and disrespectful.
I'm 85 & still a sitting duck for Users & Narcs, but I'm working on it! Assertiveness training helped a lot in the past, so I'll go back to those lessons once more. I have to constantly monitor my life-long character defects or Narcs will AUTOMATICALLY spot me on busses or anywhere & COME RUNNING!!!....like I'm wearing a "KICK ME " sign on my back! Oh well, let the show beginn....😂😂😂
You sound so youthful in the way you think. You have so much self awareness and insight into this issue and that is very uncommon for your generation. My dad is 80, and I have been estranged from both of my parents and my brother for many years at this point, but none of them have the awareness you clearly do. Blessings❤
I feel for you cuz' I have the same "flaws" & the narcis spot me long before I'm aware they even exist! They make a beeline for folks like us & I HATE IT!
My dear, you will eventually learn to protect your spirit! Kindness is key. Be kind to yourself. Before you act, ask yourself, am I acting in my own best interest? Am I leaving myself open to be hurt by this person. Put you first! Being selfish is a good thing.
@@spb8039 In some situations, "selfish" may be needed for self-preservation. But it isn't good otherwise.
You described me
EVERYONE who's been under the control and/or abuse of a Narcissist NEEDS THERAPY!
It shows how sensitive we all are to Injustice. And where my anger tends to show up is when people say something like, "What goes around comes around!" or "She'll get hers." I want to yell, "That is not real!" Most narcissists seem to get away with it.Only a few get theirs. Unless we PUT them in jail, they usually walk away because no one wants to face their revenge, threats, and deviousness. So don't hide in that magical thinking. That's giving up hope for magic justice. Either get a lawyer and mete out actual consequences or give that up.
One night after I ran into her somewhere, I was sitting in my car feeling rage but resisting it. Suddenly I just admitted to myself that I hate her. Somehow I thought she would "win" if I hated her. Suddenly I realized it really is no big deal to hate someone as long as I don't take action from that hate. So what? I hate her. It's a feeling. Feelings pass. I started laughing so hard.
I know what you mean. I learned to separate feelings from my behaviors too. Very liberating.
You want to feel indifferent to her. You want to not feel anything! For the most part I'm indifferent but sometimes I get angry and I want something horrible to happen to her but that's not healthy. If we hate we feel. If we feel we want to have feelings of love. If all else fails we must escape the narcissist. They want us to hate, their survival depends on it.
@@sarahwagland1559 we want to feel love but we sometimes don't. I do believe they get their comeuppance eventually but it may not be jail. In any case they "deserve" a response they didn't count on getting. Getting what they want encourages their behaviors. So then the courts will negotiate a settlement and they are once again encouraged.
In therapy, I was taught to find the "correct target" for the ocean of bitter, hateful, yet hidden, rage I'd been holding inside of myself since about 5 yo & then, how to SAFELY release that angry energy. Once I found the correct target... my own dad (& mom), I stopped punishing the wrong targets: wives, friends, strangers, pets, etc., & began sending my feelings (venting) towards but NOT ON TO my parents, via Journaling, weeping, raging & other SAFE, anger releasing systems, which provided me with some measure of justice for what happened in our shame based family. The bottled up angry energy gradually drained away & I began to feel better without ever having to confront my Narc parents or get any much wanted apologies from them.
Most ppl fail with anger work because they fear or just won't name the "correct target" of their anger & then fail to find safe, effective ways to vent or release the anger. And even worse, our society FAILS to help or teach us to do effective anger work!
I agree. Well said.
I recognize that the anger is directed at persons who do not deserve it. And that can become a very painful realization in retrospect, even decades later.
We all could use help and education in processing anger.
It seems that there is never just 1 targeted person who is response-able - but many, to various degrees.
I sit in my car and yell and carry on for a bit. It helps 🙋♀️❤️
I hope we heal soon coz im too struggling with post dramatic stress
@@monaasmr2936 try inhaling through you nose and exhaling long through the mouth, “Smell the flowers and blow out the candles” to release stress ❤️
I have escaped 2 narcissistic persons over the last 10 years. The anger below the surface scares me at times. I hate how it makes me feel because that is not who I am.
My struggle is that I feel guilty for gray rocking and keeping distance to my MIL. So I'm in this cycle of feeling sorry for her then getting angry for whatever it is that my MIL said. Then repeat. I gray rock, feel bad, contact. get targeted, and repeat . Meanwhile , my husband is jello, unflavored jello. Does and says nothing . The struggle is real...... Thank you Doc for helping all of us in this situation .
If your husband has quiet towards his mother so should you. Distance yourself from MIL. He warned you. Just um, aha, okay and thank you, sorry. Don't open yourself up for mental health people or abusive behavior.
Very similar here although it is easier now as My mil passed away a few years ago but I remember that pattern well.
I can't imagine what dealing with narcissism was like before the internet existed... all that abuse behind closed doors
The only, the ONLY way I've been able to deal with all of this...is with Gods help.
And....you ,Dr. C. 💙💚💜🌷🌷🌷
I have discovered that I can no longer entrust my wellbing to them.
Yes, I've lost my daughter to a covert narcissist and it is soul destroying. It takes every ounce of my being to keep facing each day. Waiting until my daughter is old enough to understand the control, manipulation and co-dependent abuse she has been subjected to...
You’ve hit the nail on the head. After a few years with a trauma therapist I am taking care of my emotional, physical and spiritual needs. I swim, exercise, go to buy clothes (inexpensive buy new to me), I spend time helping others at the hospital by distributing food for an organisation, I spend quality to me with good friends we laugh a lot. I have dug myself out of a deep,scared, isolated insane life style with a wicked controlling spouse. Now I am trying to lift up our 17 abused son. May G-d help us all.
That's really encouraging to read how far you've come. Praying for your son and for your continued healing.
I have my 17 year old son in kickboxing to help channel his energies, get in touch with his power and warrior within, and his coach is a positive role model on how to be a responsible, supportive, and respectable man. Martial arts are good for teaching discipline, respect, and fostering self-esteem. I think it is helping him.
Congrats to you! Good job getting free & starting a new life that's rewarding & helping others too! Wishing you many blessings & much happiness!
How could you allow your son to be abused ? I'm trying to understand. Are you from a culture where it has become normalized ?
Thank you! This may or may not help others, but it won't hurt anyone and I feel it's safer than journaling. When YOURE ALONE...and the tapes in your head are running or you have CPTSD or deja vu moments and it triggers that anger again, just say out loud EXACTLY how your feel about it. Nobody is there to shame, blame, verbally or physically keep you silent!! The 3 Cardinal Rules of Narcissistic relationships are Don't Talk, Don't Think and Don't Feel! You need to start communication all that stored up anger, just say it and give it to your higher self or higher power....and be grateful that your lived through it. I believe giving voice to it and not having to tiptoe around others or pretty it up for a counselor helped me the most. Just voice the ugly truth of it all and how it offended you, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually! Take your power back..and let go of the Shame that they didn't love you...and realize that they don't know how to love you, themselves or anybody else. Yes, they are an egotistical, self serving, lying, blaming,shaming, betraying, stab you in the back force to be reckoned with...but it's about your fear and the fact that you loved them. So you're angry at yourself too, for believing they could change and accepting promises they have no intention of keeping! They use your faith and love against you, it's their sharpest knife!
im mostly angry at myself. i stayed for 12 years with someone who ruined my career insulted and abused me emotionally and made life hell
My narc step-father's abuse made me develop reactive and violent rages at 11-12. I have been through 40+ years of healing journey and am on the precipice of something...I can feel it. I must leave that old self behind me. I realized just recently that parts of me are a memory that I have to let go. I am not that person anymore. I love who I am becoming and am ready to live. I refuse to let my whole entire life be one lived in the grips of trauma. I've tried so hard every day to heal from flashbacks and when I get them now, I say to myself, "that's not me anymore".
I relate to your experience. I am so tired of all the symptoms of Complex PTSD due to prolonged child abuse. I am now 52 and finally feels like I am getting somewhere good after going no contact with Narc mom and siblings. I give my will and life to a higher power for healing.
Keep going, one day at a time. Blessings to you. 🌷
@@moirabij734 ♥️ Blessings to you, too.
My sister tried to smear my reputation with our biological family. But I am an artist and i did paintings for them, and it made them realise I'm not a bad person after all. That helped me diffuse my own pent up anger.
My sister did the same to me with my dad. Glad you’re painting. I must get back into it too. Xx
@@Angel-se4zm best of luck 👍👍👍
Painting saved my life, it threw a wrench into my narc parents dynamic.
@@duelenigma7732 mine too, I know what you mean. My birth mom's family praise my work but m5 dad and stepmom's side? Crickets lol
@@duelenigma7732 Well done ! Combatting their negativity by creating positive images. 🙂💙
What a fabulous video, thank you so much for posting. I lost my whole family, 15 people instantly. I was the scapegoat against 6 narcs and boy was I treated badly. My crime? I told them I had been diagnosed with cancer. I have never experienced such pain but at least it made the cancer seem like a walk in the park lol! I'm still struggling with the cancer but I gave the family up just before xmas 2022. No contact has been hard, but for me at least it was the only way I could ever have a hope of healing. I have never really felt much anger, just sadness. Perhaps that is because cancer taught me I only have so much energy and it's really not worth it as they will never change. The main thing I decided was to stop being the victim and that opened up the door to true healing. My partner and family of in-laws stood by me, and one aunt, bless her soul, who believed the abuse I had endured from her own sister. I do reflect of course, I feel maligned but they lost my love. I can't say I lost theirs because there was none except from the fantasy family lol! For those out there going through this who are at the beginning of this awful journey, take solace in that it does get easier. It's like layers of an onion and your mind will only release the trauma and let you see the full truth gradually. Anger is just part of the grief at your loss. You did nothing wrong so now ensure you thrive rather than just survive!!
Sorry you are going through this. You did the right thing. Stay away. Hugs.
Thank for your testimony.
I hope you're doing well x
Thank ya, thank ya, our Doctor, the help of others, thanks for the joy, the encouragement, linda in Texas all of these comments, our Doctor, my community is great humanity, great for this earth
Your note is very helpful, as I can relate, in a way, My narc mom released her fury on me ever since I had to have brain surgery. Then another one a few months later. She screamed in my face, minutes after I learned I had to go through it again, and was crying. She’s turned the whole family against me and I did nothing wrong. I’ve always been a very kind person, but have always been the scapegoat. No one, including my brother, has contacted me after both surgeries. I don’t think none of them ever cared about me. I like what you said about only having so much energy and not wasting it on those who will never change. I really hope you are doing ok now.
Thank you Dr C for being a lighthouse in the storm. Your videos bring me back to center. Please keep up the great work.
You are very welcome!
So right! My narc spouse had a heart attack and put aside all my feelings and went to their bedside for 8 hrs. Went back and their flying monkey showed up and spouse started to tell me I can't laugh or leave. As I quietly walked out, he is yelling at me in the ICU. He can find his way home, I got all his clothes, wallet and keys. This is going to be great when he is released cause he only has a hospital gown! I waited 8 yrs for moment, sheer joy!! 🎉
This is a needed talk. I do have this toward my ex-daughter-inlaw who destroyed my son & damaged the children. My son died & the children are grown, but I still have stored up anger which I feel if her name comes up in a conversation.
Sorry for your misery. You are not alone. Pray
@@fredfischer9359Pqpq0qq
😥
There are safe, effective ways to release or vent stored up angry energies, so I'd google anger work & get started releasing it ASAP.
I have it as well toward my daughter in law after my son died She never showed up at the hospital when he was dying as she said she would. She was also seeing someone else. Only one of us could be in the icu at once cause of Covid. I was there the night before as it was a 2 hour drive and got there first. She said she was staying in that town and would be there first thing in the morning. The hospital called me and said she wouldn’t answer her phone at 630 the next morning and 900. I headed back to hospital but didn’t make it. He died alone. I have grandchildren and want to see them but it’s very difficult to be around her. This all happened in the middle of separating from the ex narc. He also knew my son was out of town and in a bad way and never informed me. So so much betrayal and anger I’m dealing with. So I know how you feel. It’s miserable to try to get past.
Wow. Helpful advice. He doesn't simply describe what makes a narcissist a narcissist, and talk about what has happened, but also *what to do* with/about what happened. Very helpful!
Last sentence about "I'm not going to let a troubled soul..." is invaluable to me.
How did you know? People say don't let them live rent free in your head but they left holes in the walls, broke a bunch of stuff, can't just paint over it!
Yes, I tried to tell people how I was bullied, it got old. I got therapy. I got better. Almost back to myself. Thank you Dr. Les and all of those who share their stories. Mine could be worse.
I just don't care anymore whether anyone loves me, likes me except for my animals & Mother Earth. Too old to be going through this. Blessings to all. Those feelings will be with me, good & bad forever. That's what makes us who we are. We can't all be perfect, spouting scripture or be verbal alchemists. I handle each situation at the time & I waste no one's time dancing nicely around a horrible injustice. Period. Thank All
Honestly for me the best way I have been able to handle my anger is giving it to God literally just asking God to heal my heart.
And I pray this often and it helps.
Thank you Lord
All of this is true. I'm grieving for my mother's death, who was in a long second marriage and was abused yet again, pulling myself and my family into her abuse yet again. For the most part, I'm good, but because of other family that is in contact with him, I'm exposed again. The anger is real. I've worked hard in therapy, which has been very helpful.
Can you talk about frozen emotions? I was taught to never cry or laugh. You could cut my arm off and beat me with it and I can't cry. But an act of compassion or kindness slays me. Only allowed a small range of feelings and have no idea how to free them up.
You may find after so much time that you can only get them out creatively. Even in photography people can communicate limitation and frustration. Preparation for emotional events is important. Having a wit can cut through the doldrum of containing situations. You may have an advantage by not having a hot button. Seeing can be realization, not struggle. It hits the refresh button.
YES. This is a BIG one. I hear you. ❤
I'd suggest some kind of group therapy, where you can get good emotional modeling through or with others to offset the crippling modeling from your past. I did a lot of weeping, in therapy, which helped unfreeze my emotions. Now I can show my feelings much easier.
I don't know if this is related but I grew up in a narc family and my emotions were so messed up. They came out at all the wrong times in all the wrong ways. A happy movie made me start bawling, a sad movie made me angry, etc. and until I recovered from narc abuse with Dr. C's help it didn't go away. Now I have much better control over my emotions and it is such a relief!
Wonder if the book journey of desire by John Eldredge might be beneficial. He has a few about learning to recognize and come out of numbness. I found it helpful...also EMDR!!! 1000%
Thank you! I never knew how to deal with stored-up anger towards my narcissistic father because I could never have an honest conversation without being gaslit as the bad guy.
The lying to my face is what made me the angriest....and about such stupid things. And then I'M the jerk for getting upset. 😡
Me toooo
Narcs are so good at their deviousness that I have fallen for the same BS twice. Just run for your life
Not long after II married a narcissist and into his narcissist family I started noticing that every conversation was slyly turned into a competition where they let me subtlety but surely know I was the loser. My husband let me know every day of my married life that he was of superior quality in intellect, family background, church upbringing, travel h Well, you name it and he and his family found a way to try let me know I was so beneath them!! I was from a family who lived and taught, "I'm OK! You're OK!" But decades of what I now know as narc abuse took its toll, I have so much stored up anger. I am so very pleased to day this topic is being discussed. The narc abuse was insidious, covert, and led to me not functioning or even having a clue about who I once was...and I handed to the narcs just what they wanted. They used my shortcomings to place blame upon for husbands alcoholism and other addictions. Healing is slow but continues to happen. Sometimes I feared I wiould never be a person of integrity again!
You probably don't realize this, but you have always been a person of integrity...as the healing continues you will realize you were always there! Do not be afraid but move forward! Now take it back for you, and stop giving it to those who do not respect, honor and value your worth!
@@roxannetaitano1490 Thank you, /Roxanne! I appreciate your encouraging words. 💜💛🧡❤
'and I handed to the narcs just what they wanted.' First step is to stop this. Boundaries!
I feel like this is my partner and his family. They belittle everyone even extended family .
This is exactly what happened to me. I gave my life to this family that I joined when I was only 18! I am now 54! May God Bless you always🙏
I've been no contact for 16 months! Still angry inside, thank you for this video. Arghhhhhhhh I'll never get closure and need to just live for me and be a decent person of peace!
My narcissists are my mom, dad, stepmom, and now sister. It’s been going on for so long. I’m finally starting to see the truth that I didn’t cause the abuse and neglect and that things were done to me. Videos like this have helped put my experience into words. I’m 26 years old and I feel an inner change that has completely transformed my entire way of thinking. Radical acceptance will change everything. I have so much to work through, but I’m finally ready to start my healing journey.
My oldest daughter is a narcissist. The moment I called her out for her poor behavior, after years of putting up with it, she has gone NO contact with her. I've lost tons of friends that she's gotten to with a smear campaign. She just won't stop trying to destroy me. My son in law is behind her and working hard to ruin my life too. I don't want to see anyone anymore because I am embarrassed as to what they think of me. She's painted me to be a monster.
You're best characteristics were used against you!! So true. Thank you Dr. C.
When he directs his abuse at me, it leads to anxiety. However, when he directs the abuse at others or controls others to my detriment, my response is anger. I wonder how common such a split response is.
How I deal with the anger:
- go on a loud rant imagining he’s there in the room with me
- exercise
- hang out with emotionally healthy people
I am the most peaceful person on the planet. But, I hold 40 plus years of rage from dealing with a mother, sibling and partners who all had narcissistic tendencies.
I know that my angst is off the charts because when I explained to my military trained partner that if I released my rage, blood splatter and brain matter would paint the walls. He looked at me in disbelief and became very quiet. It was at that moment the he decided to stop testing me. I am a military grade and battle tested, survivor of over 40 years of a variety of narcissistic type abuse. Come for me, you will not win!
Career, family, friends and the whole 9 yards. Fortunately I can't laugh it off now. Built a tough skin
Edited to say- what I had stored up was confusion. Total chaos= complete confusion.
Learn how to manage it until you can easily let it become plain and simple healthy anger that doesn’t get “stored up.”
Ways to manage it…
-journaling
-meditating
-therapy
-talking with a TRUSTED and trustworthy friend (singular… maybe more than one person but never many)
-enjoy a hobby
-exercise (walking in a beautiful nature setting)
-serve others (intentionally)
Doing these things REGULARLY and CONSISTENTLY while recognizing your anger and acknowledging doing these things partly to help ease and deal with said anger was key for me.
-also listening to Dr Carter (as well as many other professionals… ones who resonate with your learning style) AND MOST IMPORTANTLY… DOING the things the suggest you do
These are what has worked for me. I don’t think I ever “stored up” the anger but I definitely was angry- especially when people I care about believe the narcissist’s lies and treated me poorly because of having believed the lies.
Well put 👏
Ppl that buy into the smear campaign are not part of the tribe I chose to belong to (most are chronic enablers). Anyway, the narcissist's mask ALWAYS comes off.
I think that part " especially when people I care about believe the narcissist's lies..." that is the part where the anger ascends for me...I have to remind myself that I need to be quiet with some and as you said, "- talking with a TRUSTED and trustworthy friend..." even when it hurts to be misunderstood or I am treated indifferently is so important. Not everyone is gonna get it. "Accountability feels like an attack to the people not ready to acknowledge their toxic behavior." But boy, one thing is true now, when anyone asks about my relationship with my Narc husband, my motto is, " I will not stay silent so that he can stay comfortable!" ...and btw, the suggestions you shared, yes, they are very useful tools I employ also!
Hey, stamping! Can I add boxing lessons and punching bag to my "get well" routine?😁
@@roxannetaitano1490 Your post was insightful and helpful. Yes, it was learning about the lies that the narc in my life and his family said to so many people that now leaves me feeling helpless, depressed, and with an anger that is difficult to control. I am making progress but it is slow. I had to struggle to even remember what I once enjoyed as hobbies. I had to remember what it was like to even have or make friends.
Thanks for the video, Doctor Carter. Anger is a valid emotion when you have been deceived by a trusted person or a beloved family member. If you use it as a motivating factor to learn and change personally and positively, then the painful experience with the narcissist won't have been in vain. If all you do is gloss it over and "forgive and forget," then you'll find it happening repeatedly until you've learned the life lesson. I've had it happen many times with various people, the most recent with a beloved family member which I initially found shocking but in retrospect not surprising. It was very hurtful, but my "rose colored glasses" are off and I'm moving forward wiser without them.
What is hard too is to have to be in the same relationship due to circumstances. It takes a toll on your health having to be on guard all the time.
By relationship I mean a neighbor that you can't get away from due to proximity.
I have mast cell disease (hyper immunity) and I'm almost sure that being stuck in fight or flight mode has caused it, at least in part. :(
Bad neighbours can create ongoing tension and discord within a community. Every time they slam a door, scream and fight, or their anti-social relatives visit it is like surviving an onslaught of jackhammers, and takes time for the body to recover from the noise and hyper-vigilance of what they might do or say this time. Complex PTSD is a real and ugly outcome of dealing with high conflict, inconsiderate, dangerous and violent people. Good luck surviving a toxic situation with sick and abusive soul-sucking people.
@@brg2743 an apartment complex, can you complain to the management?
My husband's family has treated me this way for over 30 years. I spent the first ten years of my marriage trying to figure out why I was so unlikeable and would go the extra extra extra mile to show them I could contribute value to the family. Then, one day, after attending a birthday party at which my gift to the birthday girl was ridiculed and was rebuffed by every single family member I tried to strike up a conversation with (as per usual) I went home and, for the sake of my own mental wellness, decided I was done. I literally have not been in their space for over two decades. But some of the damage they did remains. I'm not a victim. I still work on it. Whenever it comes up in my mind I let it be what it is and allow it to pass out of me. And I learn from it. I know now that I ALWAYS had value. Some people are just not for you.
I was angry for years. After searching my own soul for forgiveness I turned it over to God. Bible say Be angry but do not sin. I turned my anger into feeling sorry for them and praying and knowing only God can heal them like he healed me. God Bless all.❤️🙏
❤
prayer has helped me a lot.
My anger was destroying me.
@@wisconsinfarmer4742 my prayers are with w hun. 😊🙏🙏
❤ Ty for such wise words
Prayer helps me too ❤
It hurts so bad! I love my wife so much. It’s so mind blowing how she can get away with it! People look at you like your the one that’s crazy. And the narcissist is laughing in the back ground! I’m dealing with legal issues caused by the narcissist. How can they do this? They make people believe every word they say.
I'm sorry you were hurt by someone you love. It does feel awful. I hope you heal friend, in Jesus name.
I tend to find that separating yourself from the world and taking a day off from everything allows me to reset and refocus on what I really need to heal.
My personal dealing with anger, I just watch any of Dr.C video it does wonders immediately!
I so appreciate your keen perspective. Sometimes anger IS valid. Learning to embrace that anger and learn from it AND move on is a huge shift for me. Thank You Dr. Carter
Some of us need to *learn* how to be angry. It's a very powerful and somewhat frightening feeling. Then, once we dare to be angry, we need to find a safe way to live out our anger. This is the foundation of healing, I believe.
The stored up anger towards the narcissist almost killed me in 2018.
I became very sick. Literally thought it was my time to "go".
I survived. Somehow .
The anger, however , never left .
I ended things with him in 2018.
Last year in December, I sent him court papers. I'm took him to court.
Now, we're fighting it out . I have a very good lawyer who knows all about the abuse I endured.
I feel better.
For the most part I cope with being at the mercy of a malignant narcissist but last night I had a night terror. I screamed my head off and repeatedly kicked the unseen being who was beside my bed until I came to. I pray to God to give me the strength to keep going. One day we will escape her. She is pure evil.
I have a father like this. I need someone to talk to.
This helps because I am not one of those who has the rage reaction to anger, but it's there. Just being with anger, wondering what to do and not do is puzzling. I have not had any straightforward guidance on this emotion. So this video is incredibly valuable.
I think this is true for a lot of women, especially if you grew up with narcissistic parents. There is no room for scapegoat's anger! It will become the problem rather than a reaction to the problem. It is a story I hear all the time, and of course I also experienced it. I agree , great video.
@@EveningTV So true. It's handy not to have a rage reaction, a rare upside to this type situation, but leaves more to learn. Wishing you good things.