The overt will lie in a way that makes someone say to themselves… “Mmmm that’s not true.” But the covert will lie in a way that makes you ask yourself, “IS that true?” And then you will doubt every single thing you ever considered to be true. When dealing with a covert, truth is whatever they choose it to be at any given moment for any given reason to benefit their situation at hand regardless of who it may effect negatively. As long as they come out shining- that’s a covert’s truth.
Ultimately they want control. Do what they want, give them what they want, look and act the way they want. Be the object they desire. The only person in the "relationship " that matters is them. Don't ever question them. Keep up the fake facade with them. There is no self reflection, empathy, or emotional intelligence. You're dealing with an emotionally immature child that will sneak around to get what they want.
Their silence is lying by omission. They also rewrite history to make them look like the hero, the person with better character than everyone else, but the story doesnt sound quite right.
OMG! You described my sister to a T. Always lies about the past and always makes herself out to be the hero when she was actually the most rebellious child. Thank You!
Yes, they tell you what you want to hear so that they fit you into their narrative, which is always shifting in order what they need from you. And when you ask them about, you never get a clear answer because they sidestep, give you wordsalad etc. They are massive avoiders. And that gives you fog in your brain. 🙄🥴 Wishing you a restful evening, Amanda 🤗💕
I believe it except in my alcoholic covert narcissist sisters case - she doesn’t even tell me anything that I would even want to hear simply because it’s always complete nonsense anyways. She’s ridiculous enough to not even try to convince me of anything because she already knows she never could or ever will. Typically I get more rational responses and gestures from my dogs than from her.
Dishonesty of a covert narc: "I am dishonest about being humble - the truth is that I am totally egoistic and I feel jalous and envy." "I am dishonest about my shyness - the truth is I am using it as a cover for my smugness." "I am dishonest about any apology - the truth is that I do not feel a need to apology for anything because I am flawless for I feel omnipotent." "I am dishonest about my emotions - the truth is that I am not able to connect for I am too fragile to be vulnerable." "I am dishonest about my personality - the truth is that I am using many masks for my neediness for all sorts of supply." "The truth is that I will gaslight you very subtle and in many different ways. I never lie for the truth is what is needed in any moment - to control you for this gives me protection. I need to protect my mask, my false self, honestly."
@@yukio_saito yes, Yukio, I agree with you that subtle manipulation is indeed the worst. Like you I felt there was something wrong but I did not know why.
While I'm happy to see Dr. C has 731K subscribers and his likes and views are so high, it saddens me greatly to know there are so many people out there who are dealing with these sick, twisted, miserable evil people. I wouldn't wish this misery on my worst enemy! Thank God for Dr. C. Without him, I would have given up long ago!
Think of how many are healing from narcissists. Imagine if only that small % of narcissists mentioned yesterday are healed and can face the truth. That is a huge win. The best kind of work to strive for.
I would ONLY wish this on my worst enemy ... the narcissists. This is an angry statement and forgiveness is really for yourself - your healing. A majority of these people will never face the truth behind the wall they've built and the wicked tactics they choose to use and unfortunately will never change.
After all the online research and coming to understand the narcissist, the main takeaway for me is that it is pointless to attempt to have a real conversation with a narcissist who places no value on truth. Under such circumstances the situation can oñly be resolved for me by total silence and blocking. I shall never again put myself into the impossible situation of trying to reason with a narcissist. When i determine someone is one, i shut the door of friendship. I would rather be alone with my cats and my projects. At least i am not wasting my time anymore.
Amen and very true. As the other said about arguing with a delusional person - you cannot reason with a completely unreasonable person - and in fact in my personal opinion and experiences is hardly human at all anyways so do not bother communicating with them on a human level. It is absolutely 100% impossible.
"Narcissists: They're known not for what they publicly portray themselves to be, but what they hide." That's brilliant and exactly how I see the coverts NOW that I have the knowledge.
I guess what they are hiding from specifically - and being dishonest about , is the exact same thing that they are projecting onto you. They can't handle the emotional weight of it. They can't process it , so they play hot potato, and pass all their shame and guilt etc, onto you. They feel the relief of it. It is an addictive strategy, as it brings emotional relief. They are like someone drowning emotionally. It is a survival strategy to enable them to emotionally regulate and to avoid a narcissistic collapse . They are an emotional mess.
I'd agree with this. Problem is that hot potato is a heavy burden for their children. There is near zero openness in my family, it's very uncomfortable
You explained to me exactly what my younger brother has been doing to me ( & others) his entire adulthood. It makes so much sense to me now. Thank you.
Yeah well I’m a 5”3 woman and they’ve behaved nothing short of psychopathic to me. It’s not fair that they won’t carry their own share. And try to displace all their shame onto me. I take the shame for my deeds. Why can’t they?
Exactly. My ex even said he doesn't know what makes him happy because he never felt happy in his life. Sometimes he said he feels empty inside. I thought for a long time it was depression, only to learn the hard way.
Everything is WONDERFUL! that’s today! yesterday - I feel as though I don’t have any friends left! SO - what to believe when you’re friends with a covert narcissist? neither! The jump from poor me to grandiose successful is so deceptive , just back off for your own sake!
I was engaged to a man like this, he was unwilling to be truthful. I had no clue he was telling me lies the whole time. It is scary how easy some people find it to lie.
@@SurvivingNarcissism well they fake future build. I now think he had no intention of every marrying me. It is hard to know exactly what his motivations were.
You are correct. This type of Narcissist’s dishonesty always leaves the victim questioning themselves. I think that is why some of us become “detectives” or feel the need to prove or take note of what is going on or being said because we need the proof for ourselves. This adds to the exhaustion. After 42 years, I still have days where something new pops into my head and I can see that memory through a new lens and it isn’t pretty.
It has been helpful to recall past incidents where I missed a sibling's passive-aggressiveness and sly put-downs. Enlightening, and motivation to set and use better boundaries!
Oh yes! I've been detective lately on stuff from 2017 when I was apparently lied to. More recent my gut led me to question some things more recent & yes he was lying as well as texting some women. Now I look back on those 2027-2019 yrs and question soo many like you. Memories of outlandish things.
I completely understand! After all these years I am still learning of new deceptions! This is all from someone who supposedly cares! It is a huge betrayal. Is it no wonder we go through so much from this type of abuse! Sending you hugs!
After decades of never quite putting my finger on their tactics, I'm finally understanding the gravity of how they operate. Now, just to learn how to navigate the destruction.
"Covert=Dishonesty "= liers=game player, on and on they go with eye staring as they play , along with the partial grins. Never ending. Yes, take the " higher road with head held high as you go❤
After watching hundreds of videos, this one describes my ex-wife like no other… every single word, every one. Dealing with their desire to watch you squirm is something so harrowing I would not wish it on anyone. I lived this hell for 16 years and it killed me inside; the “casual dishonesty” as I termed it completely broke my heart. These people are incredibly dangerous and they ruin people for sport. Get away, if you can.
@@dahliafiend Several years ago I heard that the nicest guy from high school committed suicide. I was stunned, as were many others who knew him over the course of his life. I ran into someone who knew his brother and the reason was that he had been in a protracted custody battle with a crazy woman ....I think NA is linked to more suicides than anyone would ever guess and MH professionals are clueless.
Sad to hear of your story, I found 100% of Dutch Child Protective Services to be covert narcissists. Who thoroughly enjoyed watching my wife and I squirm while they continually extended his completely unjustified removal from home. That was until I intervened and fled with my child and wife to Poland, which has a functioning rule of law.
I was abused by a Pastor, that, after researching it on the Net, I came to view as a Covert Narcissist. This and related videos by Drs Ramani and Daren Magee, also Dr Emily Mayfield, have helped to convince me that my suspicions were likely accurate. Thx, DrC, and the other fine Therapists who post free videos here on UA-cam: You're performing an invaluable service to the community.
Take care, I was abused in a church by two narcissistic pastors and their wives. The shane, self-blame, ostracism and so on led me to be suicidal, having c-PTSD, los self-esteem and so on. Thank God I know now but I habe to work in myself.
At last we know now as Yeshua has declared to be protected from wolves in lamb s disguise. I suffer from my own husband and minister that no one can see though I have daid to some about the behaviour. I follow God not him I never listen to his speech after I found out his covert disorder. I know I have be narcissist resistant and I have dismantled much of my own ways so as to enjoy my freedom with friends that he cannot have access in fellowshiping whatsoever. God bless you and press on God is faithful to us @@chanteynk7324
The covert narcissist’s dishonesty is a given considering the fact that they are incapable of being self-reflective and honest with themselves. It reminds me of the saying, “garbage in, garbage out.”
I think their mouth just makes things up after they feel something, the mouth isn't really clued in, it doesn't know what's going on and just confabulates stuff. It's a bit like Anton-Babinski syndrome where someone who is blind will insist they can see and make up excuses against any evidence that shows they are blind.
@@AllanI3374 When I think of self reflection, I think of it as a contemplative state in which one considers who they are, how they interact with others and why they do the things they do. I consider it a healthy thing that gives us an opportunity to learn and grow as moral human beings. In my experience, that is not what narcissistic individuals do. I’m certainly not an expert though, and I’m open to learning. I hope you’ll take the time to elaborate on your comment.
When you said; 'I need to look good in public' hit the nail on the head. My ex husband, the narcissist would act caringly and tentative me in public, and behind closed doors, it was as if I didn't exist. Thank you Doctor Carter.
Yes, like we don't exist, or can do no right. I grew up with that; couldn't wait to grow up and move out. I ended up marrying one. We can divorce a spouse, but I got stuck caring for my elderly father which is making me miserable. I need to learn to set boundaries. I hope you are doing well.
One time I was reading a psychiatric report on a client's wife who was diagnosed with NPD. She was a covert narcissist who had everyone fooled except the Forensic Psychologist. He wrote in his report, which was submitted later to the court "she began to speak to me in a low tone which was almost like a whisper when she spoke of her ex husband. It was as if we were sharing secrets together." That doctor knew that she was full of it. She did everything imaginable to stop that man from seeing his children. She manipulated the court system to her advantage for quite a while. Narcissists can fool a lot of people for a while, but they don't fool everyone all of the time. That was the custody case from hell. Unfortunately, the legal system is powerless when it comes to justice in family law cases. Not all cases are lost but a lot of people lose their children in the process of fighting a narcissist in court because the attorney fees are so high. The real losers are the children.
Yes Angel, you called it when you said the real children are the losers. Many times they don't survive. My narcissist alcoholic father decided he could raise us better than a mother who loved me and my older sister by boarding us out with abusive strangers. My sister became a narcissist and dealt me untold suffering from which I have suffered my entire life from age 3 to 80. They are all deceased now but the damage lives on. I still consider me the lucky one because they all died miserable. As for me, I am a contented hermit. I have found a beautiful peace because when I see a narc now I usher them out the door and close it behind them.
Pathological liars and superficial to the core! So cruel. No "feelings" but for their own fragile egos. Then, OMG Such emotionally stunted "creatures'.
Since everything they say is at least partially untrue ~ they never need to recall exactly what they lied about or what exact lies they told or when. Lying maintains their "reality".
This is perplexing. My father was not with his sister when they took her off the life support. They asked if he wanted them to wait for him. I don't know if he was told by my mother. We had just returned from seeing her. The hospital would wait for us to drive there the next morning. He said just the other day that he was with his sister when she passed. I don't know if my mother told him that. When he describes it, he describes their goodbye. Ultimately this must be all he can handle? It feels so odd for the family not to correct him. Other family members were there. If he was corrected he might become very upset at not remembering. So is he told or is it in his mind?
'You just interpreted it wrong' - that was literally the theme of our disagreements, especially in situations that really took me off guard, when he said or did something that just didn't match with who I thought he was (who he was trying to portray, as I now understand). Often followed by anger, and 'you know I'm not good at expressing myself' or 'you are making me look like a bad person'. I was really so confused and thought I was going mad. He would always have a great explanation afterwards to what he actually meant or why that happened and although it somewhat didn't feel right, it would make enough sense for me to take it. Another great video. Thank you for doing this for us❤
I have run into this from four very damaged people, three of whom were very close to me. One is no contact, and I am gray rocking 2 until I die and they are too dense to understand. I just do a verbal 2 step with them for a half hour per week, and they think there is a relationship.
Treating them as an adult means you've already lost. They live in a fantasy world that forces them to test boundaries because emotionally they are children. Once you realize that you don't have to find them attractive or worth taking seriously.
This sums up my ex-husband. Lies, lies, lies. As a very honest person myself, I have NO idea how someone can lie that much and not feel sick to their stomach! And of course he is lying about me to our kids and the whole family now that I’ve left him. It’s unbelievable.
My father groomed myself and my siblings since we were kids to feel sorry for him. He was the “cult leader” so to speak. When my mother and him divorced, it forced my mom to move away and go back to school and he didn’t like that we wanted to go with her! He made her life hell and would say things about my mom just enough to made us kids feel angry and resentful towards her. Fast forward to just recent (I’m 32) I had my own experiences with my father, started to study up narcissistic abuse and realize my dad is an abusive and evil man. We have zero contact as of right now. I finally see what my mother put up with! Keep your integrity, and eventually I believe the children will see through the ex husband! 💕
@@Heaveniswaitingforyou Thank you for this; I’m so relieved for you and your Mom! But does this mean your poor Mom went ten to twenty years or more without you and your siblings? Because although I know my own life has value beyond just my kids, I REALLY don’t want to wait more than a few years for them to figure it out. I still have one daughter in school, and I don’t want to miss her graduation. I also know it’s completely out of my control.
@@theladyamalthea oh sorry I don’t think I was clear! We stayed with my mom for most of the time! I went and lived with my dad at age 17 and graduated and then he abandoned me. But I see how that time with him, helped confirm even more why he’s a covert narcissist. I wrote him a letter recently but he could care less. I’ll be praying for you and your family, 🙏💕 it’s so hard when we deal with pure evil! I feel a lot of empathy for you because it’s so hard when the person you married was supposed to be who they portrayed!
@@theladyamalthea Also I wanted to share this memory from when I was 12. My dad and my grandparents emotionally abused us for days before my mom came back from a trip. My dad planned to tell my mom he wanted a divorce and that he was taking us kids. I knew the whole time that something deep down was wrong. I didn’t want to believe that my mom was evil. My mom held her integrity and didn’t yell and scream and throw things like they said she would. She was weeping and said she loved us. It was incredibly traumatic looking back because my dad was cold and didn’t comfort any of us kids the whole time. So this is the part that gets me every time I think about it. I heard a clear audible voice tell me to go with my mother! I believe this was Gods voice. So I did and my dad and grandparents were soo angry with me. But I went with my mom. My dad drained the joint bank account and he took away the car because it wasn’t in her name. I look back in disgust at that. I’m just so thankful that God helped me get strong enough to stop excusing his behaviour! And it took a long time but it happened! And my brother is starting to see some things too. Praying my sister is next. Evil doesn’t win in the end 💕🙏
@@Heaveniswaitingforyou So my husband’s parents paid for plane tickets for the kids to come visit them for a week. I thought, “How nice!” They spent that week grooming the kids and talking trash about me. When the kids came back, all of them were extremely cold towards me, and I didn’t know why. But when we sat them down and told them we were separating, not one of them wanted to come live with me. A bit later, one of my brothers told me what had happened while the kids were visiting. He is the only one who believes me about my husband being abusive. Even my own parents sided with the abusive b@stard. So I haven’t seen my kids in almost 5 months now. I completely agree with you that God spoke to you when he told you to go with your mom, but apparently he didn’t speak to my kids. Or if he did, they ignored him. My kids have come to believe that I have lied to them about many things, that I am seriously mentally unstable, and that I am a danger to be around. I just don’t see how I will be able to convince them otherwise when they don’t want to see me or talk to me much. I text each of them about once a week, but I get ignored half the time.
I had a friend who used to become angry with me when we went bowling because I was not competitive. I told them that I enjoy winning against myself but I don't care about winning against someone else. I am happy if I win and happy if I don't win, it is just not important to me to be superior to anyone.
I understand not being competitive. I'm the same way, I just enjoy the game being played with the other person. It's an interesting feeling when your just enjoying yourself while the other person is just dying to win at all costs lol.
@@ruckerbrady8342 There is a difference between being competitive and needing to win at all costs. I've been competitive all of my life. There is a time and place for it. To be competitive is about bettering yourself through competition to see how you stack up and where you need to improve. The win-at-all-costs "competitiveness" is psychopathy, where one will outright cheat and use any other greasy tactic in order to prevail. Competition is healthy. Win at all costs is psychopathy.
This is absolutely mind-boggling to someone who very highly values openness, mutual respect, and honesty like me. It's like narcissists are another species who specifically came from HELL, as if they're NOT HUMAN !
Yes indeed, narcissists have to start small and work their way up with each new person they meet, testing you at every step to see just how much they can get away with.
Oh goodness I had to rewatch, I started listening, and my memory went way back to even now when he calls me, has soon as Dr Carter started talking about the way the convert narcissist shares just enough to get you to share a whole lot about yourself, 😳 and then taking notes and using this later against you for control, and trust me if they slip up and share more than they want to, they lie about that later, or sometimes lie when sharing..
"...known by what they hide." (14:02) Yes, this phrase brings up the sense I had of all the missing pieces, the voids in the interactions and failures to connect on anything but a paper-thin superficial basis. I began to think of it as a phantom, a being without substance or anything concrete I could hold onto. Add to that vaporousness, the neglect, dismissiveness, isolation, negativity, stonewalling, gaslighting, and silence and the experience basically ERASES the partner who is desperately trying to have a relationship with.... nothing.
They say something plausible, but it's suspicious if they understand what they mean. If you feel wrong, then it's wrong and don't listen to them anymore.
Thanks for saying that "open" people are the healthiest... I was always very open..honest and forthright with people but have found it harder over the years to be that way as many others aren't willing to be that way ... so it makes things awkward and many people are surprised that you are willing to open up to them .. something they would rarely if ever do
I'm of the opinion as I've reached "old" age, that the less you share with other people until you've properly vetted them is the best way to get through life in peace.
"I have memory problems" - that was the lie I bought for two years from a covert narcissist. It was always my fault for not being clear enough, or not doing things right enough and anytime I caught them in a lie they gave me a sob story about their memory issues.
Gathering data to use against me later was my MIL's specialty. She could blindside me one month later or it could be three or four. It got to the point where I would sit in a corner and just keep my damn mouth shut lol. It's been two and a half years no contact and I couldn't be happier.
A narc who was related to my wife, and who unfortunately lived very close to us, was the epitome of dishonesty by lying every time he opened his mouth, and by stepping all over mine- and everybody else‘s boundaries. He was obsessed about being the supreme leader of the „greater family“ that is, of the 4 families (all related) who lived close to each other. He criticized EVERYTHING that I did - or didn’t - do ! He also criticized e.g. me for taking - in his opinion - too many pictures of the children. He said „You should do it the way my parents did it : one picture as a baby, one as a teenager, and one when you are grown up“. The following week I showed him my latest pictures, and I hadn‘t taken any of his kids : he was NOT pleased ! I said : „Why should I take pictures of your kids when you don‘t want them?“ He had criticised me for taking pictures, and for not taking pictures ! It was not possible to do anything correctly in his view : he was ALWAYS critical of everything and everybody, but at the same time, VERY sensitive about being criticized..🤷🏼♂️🤮
'Needed to hear this. Covert = Dishonesty. I'm going to have to let go, family or not. How many times are we kicked in the teeth before we walk away?! 🤔💜🐾
No, narcissism = dishonesty. But indeed: when is enough enough?! I can tell you from experience going no contact is a delight. I’ve distanced myself 3 years ago. And soon completely. I’m looking forward to it. The most difficult thing for me was the worry ‘what would other people/outsiders think of me’? But that is just the old programming to make me feel guilty and get me back in the place of the scapegoat. Get yourself free. Don’t look behind. Jump into the unknown. EVERYTHING IS WAY BETTER THAN STAYING around these emotionally distorted persons, family or not. You didn’t ask for this kind of family. Why would you stay? Find out what your core values and boundaries are and stay put! 👊🏻
I have distanced for nearly a decade - even moving a couple hundred miles away. As the narc in my life now faces fading physical beauty and has begun daily drinking, their behavior has become a non-negotiable. Appreciate your input 💜
@@gypsyfaded5907they do, right?! If a person doesn’t deal with trauma it will become harder to ignore it when he/she gets older, because their strength is declining. So also physical can’t get ‘the ball’ of trauma under water; it costs too much energy. My sister has 2 autoimmuundiseases, my brother stage 4 cancer of the bladder and drinking too much as well. All I have to do is self protection to not get dragged into their abyss with them. Great you could physically move away from them. That helps a lot, i presume
‘Why can’t they be honest with themselves?’ Because they don’t see it as dishonesty, in their fantasyworld its the truth! That’s why they can lie as the best, because they themselves believe it as truth. And because they dissociate they will miss parts of what happened. They fill up those gaps by confabulation. That’s why they can say completely the opposite within minutes after the other statement. I see it happening with my sister. She does it completely subconscious. Its automatic behavior, trauma respons. It’s sad in a way, but I’m done with this s..t. The projection, the manipulation to get control and to get it always her way. I already kept my distance last few years, which already gave so much peace in my life. And now all in a sudden she can ask questions how I am doing, while before I was ignored completely. She asked it yesterday also. Note! She asked: are your health issues mentally or physically? All I said was: don’t you dare tell others I have mental issues because that’s not the case. It’s purely physical (I have Dengue at the moment. Not fun) and what it is is personal. I get enough personal attention. I don’t need yours. ‘I am just trying to be nice to you’. Oh stop it. There comes the pity party and useless discussions. I cut it off immediately. This is just a way to get information out of me to use against me. after my mother of 93 years will pass away (that will be soon), I will cut all ties. I will and can never ever trust her again. No contact. What a relief it will be!
My mother fits this totally, but she is very passive aggressive. 😢 It has broken my heart to realize that not only does she not love me, she never has.
In my experience he had sent me a text saying he was an emotional drinker and he was worried he would turn out like his alcoholic father. Two years later he was telling me I’m the problem. Anytime I wanted to talk about how he hurt me he’d accuse me of not letting shit go, told me I was a whiny ass teenage girl. He has since gone right back to the hook up apps and adding random guys to his socials. His fantasy world is more important I guess.
Narcissists (in all their glorious sub-clinical manifestations) have a pronounced poverty in their capacity for self-reflective insight. Finding a person on the narcissistic spectrum of personality who can not only introspect -- but actually identify their emotional motivation driving a self-destructive reaction to external stimuli...almost unheard of. To form a thematic connection to his alcoholic father, than express that to you in a way that places him in the negative light...it's being vulnerable and honest (and something that all narcissists share, is their deep loathing for vulnerability and honesty...in fact, most would literally rather die that EVER be truly vulnerable...most can't even be honest with themselves; thus the root of their disorder). That sounds more like your standard addict behaviour. The personal attacks against you are more likely a defense mechanism to avoid feelings of shame in him. (something addicts and narcissists DO share in common) You kinda have to ask yourself: Why would anyone like him would be using substances such as drugs, sex, alcohol etc. despite knowing first hand how those life choices are slowly destroying not only him, but everyone he loves and cares about around him? (acknowledging his first-hand experience with an alcoholic father) It's to escape. To avoid emotions he doesn't know what to do with. That's why emotions are his addiction trigger. Maybe you can see how "Anytime I wanted to talk about how he hurt me" is going directly at his soft spot and thus, invoked all of those (toxic - borderline abusive) defense mechanisms? The human brain attempts to deal with overwhelming experiences by trying to protect us (defense mechanisms). When you do directly at a sensitive subject like that you're cornering someone and demanding they unearth all their buried traumas. Emotional subjects that were avoided so intensely because of a lack of safety in dealing with them directly. Sometimes people choose to self-medicate with a "crutch" of some sort. We call addictions "crutches" because people use them to cope with life when they're really struggling. Eventually anything becomes a habit, but those underlying issues they were struggling with never truly go away. For addicts to do deep stuff like that...they first have to work on healing their lives to a point where they no longer feel the need to use their crutch of choice just to live. For him that sounds like being addicted to fantasy. Fantasies where he's confident, physically desired, charismatic, and pretty much anything but vulnerable and unhappy. Alcohol and stuff are simply emotional devices used to facilitate that fantasy for him. It's ironic how sometimes we can think someone we struggle to understand is a narcissist because they aren't _honestly_ SEEING or HEARING us (because they don't care enough to empathize or seek to understand where we're coming from mentally and consider how things might affect us) -- only to later realize that we in our pain/unresolved issues, failed to empathize with them as we expected them to do for us. While I can't say that "everyone" has narcissistic traits and/or features in their personality inventory (well over 90% of all humans do). I can say that narcissism is present in varying shades and severities in nearly everyone. Is it possible that in the depths of your pain, you may have projected some of your own emotional content onto him? Perhaps because you couldn't get the emotional resolution you wanted and expected from him, so you may have (subconsciously) branded him a "narcissist" as a way of trying to give yourself that feeling of closure? Narcissism is a self-protective aspect of human personality and the mindset tends to take over whenever our deepest selves are psychologically wounded; to the point where we struggle to heal the damage. _(thus narcissistic delusions of grandeur, persecutory delusions, black and white thinking, psychological projections, validation seeking behaviour, using "sob stories" to garner attention and sympathy, denial, blame shifting, rationalizations/justifications, defensiveness, a need to be right, a need to FEEL superior, smear campaigns against a person that hurt you, a dismissive attitude, lack of empathy, inability to separate personal feelings from objective facts, exhibiting increased ego-dysyntonic traits, magical thinking, a fear of being vulnerable, fear of rejection or ridicule, need for approval, silent treatment, a desire to humiliate or lower someone else [aka ego-sadism], self-righteousness, feeling entitled to treat someone badly because you feel personally victimized; thus a lack of remorse etc.)_ I sincerely hope I was able to provide some serious food for thought and perhaps self-reflection on the often messy relational dynamics between addictions and narcissistic personalities.
Sounds like my sister. Very nice to me on Facebook where everyone can see. Pretends to be vulnerable by complaining about the chores she was expected to do as a kid and what a raw deal she had. Truth is I never saw her lift a finger. Never mind the fact that I was beaten black and blue. This was something I brought upon myself, evidently.
Has she blamed her entire life on you? Mine did. I was blamed for her getting fired, family problems, causing a fracture in the family. Apparently I have this huge power in everything 😂
@@michelerunyon9593 Not quite. I haven't seen her in 14 years as I refuse to meet with her husband who has also been abusive towards me, so it was always two against one. Because I won't meet with him she won't meet with me and has even accused me of bullying him! I offered family therapy but she absolutely refused. Just wants everything on her terms. So I'll probably never see her again. She's almost 80 now. Has bullied me all my life.
I speculate that coverts have a variety of rehearsed fake vulnerability routines to strategically display. I've seen a couple of these where I was thinking that there was something self aggrandizing in a confession.
I think you're right. I had a "friend" that would cry in the "right " situation but it Always felt odd. I was like this isn't genuine to myself. I could tell she was trying to manipulate my emotions. Tears came and went so suddenly after I didn't budge.
The dishonesty is what took years for me to recognize. My Nex had this cautionary tale about her lying as a child and another was punished for it. She used that as proof that she was now incapable of lying. She could appear to take the high road in every circumstance. She mastered plausible deniability and reminded us often how she’d learned her lesson to never lie. I’d imagine she’d tweak that now (we’ve been NC for 8-1/2 years) by believing something to be true MAKES it true. For her. If I disagree, I’m the liar. Sigh.
@@t_nels She left at the end of July 2015. No contact on her side, I tried to contact for a couple months (until I understood), then stopped altogether. Divorce (from her) became final in August of this year. She’s remarried now, I hear.
@@aaronkwolfe I guess there is no getting away from it, as long as your family is involved. It is all encompassing. Even with radical acceptance it isn't going to stop the damage to all. I'm not seeing how to stop the bleeding. It is a very evil attack.
@@aaronkwolfe I know the situation is totally different. How does going NC help in a situation like mine where it's a parent? At this point I feel like I just need to know the hard truth.
It's chilling how on point you are, Dr. They appear vulnerable but it's mostly a tactic - no wonder they tell you a sad story within the first minutes they get to know you. And you - being naturally empathetic - put your guard down and begin to think how you can help this individual! And HOW TRUE, Dr.! They don't go deep, they don't learn from their hardships in life. They stay on the surface. And they COMPLAIN. Nothing is ever good for them. I'm more than a year off from my narc relationship and I'm still discovering the covert narc's characteristic. I extend a huge thanks to you, Dr. 🙏
I've disconnected myself from them so it no longer effects me. I'm not playing their game anymore I simply don't care. They can't manipulate and control me anymore.
Thanks, Dr. Carter. I have grown to enjoy the Texan accent, thanks to you. Your kindness in validating the experiences of people is insuperable. I am sure you have saved many lives, and saved many people's sanity.
Ooof. Wish I knew about covert narcissists before I spent 30 years married to one. I watch these videos through a rear view mirror. Even at that, they do help me move forward as I learn there are actually words and phrases that explain what I experienced - gaslighting, projection, passive-aggressive, devaluation and discard. Thanks for making these videos. One thing though, I do recommend that folks interview potential therapists first to see if they have experience with narcissistic abuse. The therapist I consulted after being discarded seemingly did not have the background to recognize covert narcissism so that therapist did not really help me navigate and make sense of the relationship and how to recover from the abuse and dishonesty.
Hi Dr. C, You have confirmed the character of my elderly narc. mother. After a lifetime of no friendship or care for me and my siblings, I am not engaging with her any longer. It is not an easy decision to walk away from a parent, but a lifetime of her dishonesty and antics. I need peace for myself at any price. All your courses have been extremely helpful. Blessings, Eileen
Why are people trying to be nice to me? They are apologizing and buying my children’s gifts. They know that I hate gifts. What’s the point? I’m okay without being with them or talking to them. I wish they stop calling me and coming over my house unannounced. I am busy doing absolutely nothing. 🎯
12 yrs ago I nearly married a narcissist....over the yr we were engaged I caught him in many lies. He couldn't run from them anymore so he said "if I tell you the truth about certain things you will leave me". his code of ethics was based on that premise. that says so much about the deep rooted issues he had. to this day he never actually told me anything about his family, or why his daughter was also trying to tell me some big secret....he hushed her up and she never was allowed to tell me. I don't have any idea what was going on behind the scenes.
Unfortunately my dad is a heavy duty covert narcissist and boy howdy you nailed it. It took me right about 40 years when covid happened that created a cut off between us and that's when I realized what he was and what had been going on my whole life. I used to put it like my dad abused me by taking me to dinner in the tone of dark humor bc they really are that nuanced. The abuse is nuanced to the inth degree! Thanks Dr C 🙏
I love holding them accountable. Had an N make some pretty outlandish promises to me earlier this year. Things they could never deliver on. Fast forward 10 months when he thinks I’ve well and truly forgotten, and I innocently broached the topic. “So it’s almost the end of the year and I’m still waiting for these promises. What do you think the timeframe’s gonna be?” The squirm was real. Of course, he was too tired to talk about it. Hold them accountable. They hate it.
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. They are very passive aggressive too. They will walk like a cat around the house just to listen to you talk to someone or on the phone. There is never any privacy with them. They are very dishonest. Lips move, they lie. Thank you so very much Dr. Carter for this video for sure.
Persuasive dishonesty, absolutely. Now, if they could only persuade themselves. That, in a nutshell, is their problem. Persuade themselves, it's not them, that is the liar.
They will never admit it sums it up. I guess it’s excessive and has been combined with some aggressive behavior so that’s why I’m where I’m at with it.
Gurgling with anger?? Nothing compared to the anger I unleashed a few days ago (my bad, but I was pushed to my limits.) Did anything change? Oh, heck, noes! Sending my blood pressure to the stratosphere was a complete waste of time. They are NOT going to change. Not ever! Forget "Hope." Hope is a vertical virtue and is between you and God. Hope that the covert passive aggressive narc will change is toxic!!
We said "Wow! This person we barely know never has anything nice to say about their own family. Can't believe they're telling us this." Only to learn eventually that they intended to do the same things as the family members they criticized.
You're literally talking about my ex! He would be often saying how happy he is he turnt out this well considering how broken his family was, and how he was so much better person than all his siblings. Constantly complaining how he struggles with his manipulative lying mother. Turned out he was much worse.
@@ivizz100 Seriously, it's like they tell you what they plan to do, but fake disapproval. Maybe to see how you react. You just don't expect people to be that cruel.
That's all John Williams talks about is his son and nephew who he lives with cuz he lost his home got evicted didn't believe the letters thst CAME. - HE came to my house after started a bon fire in my backyard. I think he thought I was gonna have open arms to stay at my house- hell no cuz I was onto him already- fire left unattended came in started arguing with me over something stupid- HE went out I heard a bang got up from. What I was doing. He had pulled my hose so hard pulled pipes apart down stairs- fire spread to neighbors - noone hurt not alot damage. Melted siding. But my neighbors got 15,000$ in damages from my home OWNERS- YOU THINK HE SAID SORRY OR APOLOGIZE OR HAD ANY GUILT?? NO HE SAID I YELLED FOR YOU AND YOU DIDN'T COME OUT AND WHY DIDNT YOU CONE OUT AND SIT WITH ME WITH THR FIRE???WHAT?? I HAD MY OWN THING I WAS DOING. HE CAME OVER AFTRR GETTING EVICTED STARTED CHOIS AT MY HOUSE TRIED BLAME ME. THE FUK- HE A REAL NARCISSIST - AFTER SEEING THESE VIDEOS IIT TOOK ME YEARS TO FIGURE THIS OUT. THR LIES THE LITTLE WHITE LIES HE YELLS AT HIS DAUGHTER ABOUT I YELLED APPLE DIDNT FALL FAR FROM TREEE. HE IS A RACIST SAYS N WORD WHICH I HATE. I CALLED HIM A RACIST AFTER HE USED IT AGAIN- HE LOOKED ME IN THE EYES SAID IM NOT A RACIST WITH A STRAIGHT FACE - MY ARMY GUY WAS BLACK FRIEND SAME STORY DIFF DAY- ALWAYS HAS SAME STORIES NOTING EVRR CHANGES. AND YES HE FEEDS OFF OTHERS THEN USES IT AGAINST YOU IF YOU OPEN UP TO HIM AS I DID I TOLD HIM SHIT I NEVER TOLD NO-ONE ELSE HE USED AGAINST ME LATER. THEN HIS TRUCK FLAT TIRES - HE BLAMED ME. OMG IM 53 REALLY?? NOTHING IS HIS FAULT NOTHING EVER. AND HES IMMATURE CANT HANDLE SERIOUS MOMENTS HE CHECKS OUT- LIES SAID OH MY PHONE WENT ON AIRPLANE MODE YEA OK azz
This video is so instructive and gives a really clear picture of what to expect with a covert narcissist. Sometimes it takes 2 years to start to see past the 'fake image' as with a covert narcissist 'friend' I met 4 years ago...The first two years were full of fake promises ('You'll always be welcome in my family', 'I'll help you with your humanitarian project', 'I'm with you'...None of which actually materialised) and 'positive comments' (which turned out to only be empty flattery) and gradually moved towards flirting (to get an ego boost!). What followed the first 2 years has been an endless series of let-downs, drama, passive aggressive behaviour and need to control me. The bottom line is lying in all its forms. Dishonesty.
I never heard this message so clear as here: Covert n. equals dishonesty. I never thought it to be that way- I always protected their view ( they are afraid, they are cowards, they have problems ). So since a while I realised someone to be a c. n. instead of being just a weak person ( because they faked their prof. title and other things- that woke me up, so to speak )
But their dishonesty is sometimes hard to get ahead of since they have been doing it for decades. The covert narcissist (my mother) has lied so much and become very crafty at it. My mom would always tell me, well you were too young to remember, when in all actuality I do remember and it was nothing like the stories she tells people in order to get attention and or supply as they call it. Because of this, I have decided to go no contact, and I am so much better off. It's really hard to sit back and let her go on and on to friends and family, but it's for the best. Thank you Dr. Carter for sharing your thoughts and expertise on this subject.
This is so accurate with my former friend whom I already discarded since these patterns already manifested in him. This content is so validating that I am not the crazy one and my decision to get him out of my life is truly a game changer. Thank you for this, Dr. C. ❤
It's natural to take on some of the traits of others you spend most of your time with. But if one of them is a narcissist and you are not, you take on things that ultimately make you feel miserable. It's not really surprising, good people with prosocial skills relate very well with each other when they do this, they build each other up. Not with people who are controlling and destructive. If anything good besides a life lesson learned comes out of this, it is probably the fact that once you get away from toxic people and situations and begin healing, you are able to lose the toxic influences and become a better version of your authentic self.
When they purposely disparage you to people who they know will tell you the lies at some point. Used to get me angry, now I just shrug it off and add it to my list of things that don’t work on me anymore. Therapy and Dr. C can work wonders.
Dr Carter I just watched a podcast of yours dated 5/22. Titled Narcissism and the problem of phoniness. It was brilliant and very informative. Could you do an episode about that topic on UA-cam? ❤️🙏
LOL my mom, who told me about a conversation she had with my brother saying that I wasn’t actually an effin B*tch, just had extreme anxiety. She then turns around and tells me I’m one of her favorites to talk to over the other kids. I’m in my 40s and finally saw through the manipulation. 😢
It doesn’t matter what lies someone Tries to pull over on me. I can Always see the truth and they look like the fools they truly are. This skill and confidence worked out quite well these past three years as well as the other lies told the public in past decades.
I literally have 1000's of examples just like the ones you used lol. Like he offered to pick my daughter up from school after having lunch one day to help me out lol, I usually always say no but I thought I'd try something new to see what happens so I said sure and man you should've seen how uncomfortable he got then immediately started to come up with excuses that actually couldn't do it and then got defensive like I asked him to do it lol. I just ended up saying oh don't worry about it I can totally do it but thanks for offering lol. He immediately felt at ease and went on his way.
As exhausting as they are to us ....my goodness what a mess is happening in their heads . All the lying is too much to keep up with . This is my 5th year listening to you as I change out my decor fromm fall to Christmas . I look forward to the holidays again . YEAH !!
This is SO helpful. Thank you so much. I initiated a 6 month no contact with the covert narcissist in my life nearly 10 weeks ago. Everything I have learned from reading, videos, therapy, support group, and 12 step groups has really helped me move out of "what a stupid fool I've been" thinking. The first six weeks were tough. We were together only about 18 months but I really was trying to make it work. I thank God his sadistic side pulled the plug on that. I'm doing so much better now and building a whole new community of support and reliable friends.
I've just watched your video from 7 months ago regarding the stored up anger towards a narcissist. I've been feeling that way for a long time and as I'm now making plans to leave I was wondering how I was going to deal with that anger. I am at the point where I have given up hope that my husband will change but wondered how to move forward without feeling like a fool for putting up with his behaviour for so many years, how to stop feeling like a victim for the rest of my life and move forward with dignity. Your video has given me some great guidelines. Thank you.
Me, too, but make that 40 years. I have to live here, but I don't have to talk or engage with him in any way. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
15 years with my ex covert wife. by the time i finish the video the fire of anger and rage was lit up..."Narcissists: They're known not for what they publicly portray themselves to be, but what they hide." thank you for this. i'll be using it in court.
Not live. I still want recommend Debbie Mistra's Worthy of Love. Dr. C had her on. Personal and well researched. Like me she got quite ill upon understanding the love of her life was COVERT.
The overt will lie in a way that makes someone say to themselves… “Mmmm that’s not true.” But the covert will lie in a way that makes you ask yourself, “IS that true?” And then you will doubt every single thing you ever considered to be true. When dealing with a covert, truth is whatever they choose it to be at any given moment for any given reason to benefit their situation at hand regardless of who it may effect negatively. As long as they come out shining- that’s a covert’s truth.
Such wisdom. I wish I had said it this way in the video.
Very accurate explanation, Kelly. The covert will baffle you the most and by doubting him you will doubt yourself even more.
It certainly is .
Completely on point. My truth is always questioned so that I can't be on top.
Exactly! They lie so much that they believe their lies.
Ultimately they want control. Do what they want, give them what they want, look and act the way they want. Be the object they desire. The only person in the "relationship " that matters is them. Don't ever question them. Keep up the fake facade with them. There is no self reflection, empathy, or emotional intelligence. You're dealing with an emotionally immature child that will sneak around to get what they want.
You make sense.
My husband actually said to me these words “it’s all about power and control “
I'd say disown the demonic narc. I have. You must save yourself before you go mad! You don't want to end up like them ♥️🙏
Their silence is lying by omission. They also rewrite history to make them look like the hero, the person with better character than everyone else, but the story doesnt sound quite right.
OMG! You described my sister to a T. Always lies about the past and always makes herself out to be the hero when she was actually the most rebellious child. Thank You!
Because they tell a half truth, or omit details ( tell you what you want to hear) they insist they are not lying 🙄
Yes, they tell you what you want to hear so that they fit you into their narrative, which is always shifting in order what they need from you. And when you ask them about, you never get a clear answer because they sidestep, give you wordsalad etc. They are massive avoiders. And that gives you fog in your brain. 🙄🥴
Wishing you a restful evening, Amanda 🤗💕
@@roxymovie3938Word Salad indeed 🤗
I believe it except in my alcoholic covert narcissist sisters case - she doesn’t even tell me anything that I would even want to hear simply because it’s always complete nonsense anyways. She’s ridiculous enough to not even try to convince me of anything because she already knows she never could or ever will. Typically I get more rational responses and gestures from my dogs than from her.
@Kingdom_of_God777 That's true also. More often than not I would sooner have pets than people! Take care 🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374
Amen to that 🐶and I hope / pray the same for you!
Dishonesty of a covert narc:
"I am dishonest about being humble - the truth is that I am totally egoistic and I feel jalous and envy."
"I am dishonest about my shyness - the truth is I am using it as a cover for my smugness."
"I am dishonest about any apology - the truth is that I do not feel a need to apology for anything because I am flawless for I feel omnipotent."
"I am dishonest about my emotions - the truth is that I am not able to connect for I am too fragile to be vulnerable."
"I am dishonest about my personality - the truth is that I am using many masks for my neediness for all sorts of supply."
"The truth is that I will gaslight you very subtle and in many different ways. I never lie for the truth is what is needed in any moment - to control you for this gives me protection. I need to protect my mask, my false self, honestly."
You so get it, Roxy!
Subtle gaslighting is the worst. I didn't realize it was abusive even if I felt something is wrong. An ex-coworker of mine was very good at this.
@@yukio_saito yes, Yukio, I agree with you that subtle manipulation is indeed the worst. Like you I felt there was something wrong but I did not know why.
@@roxymovie3938 They make you feel you are wrong. In fact they are wrong.
@@yukio_saito Thank you, Yukio. That's it, exactly.
While I'm happy to see Dr. C has 731K subscribers and his likes and views are so high, it saddens me greatly to know there are so many people out there who are dealing with these sick, twisted, miserable evil people. I wouldn't wish this misery on my worst enemy! Thank God for Dr. C. Without him, I would have given up long ago!
I'm greatly pleased I get to contribute to the growth of others. Thank you.
Think of how many are healing from narcissists. Imagine if only that small % of narcissists mentioned yesterday are healed and can face the truth. That is a huge win. The best kind of work to strive for.
These narcissistic individuals do so much damage to their victims, and if the victim is unable to escape, the victim's life is ruined.
Idk tho
I would ONLY wish this on my worst enemy ... the narcissists. This is an angry statement and forgiveness is really for yourself - your healing. A majority of these people will never face the truth behind the wall they've built and the wicked tactics they choose to use and unfortunately will never change.
After all the online research and coming to understand the narcissist, the main takeaway for me is that it is pointless to attempt to have a real conversation with a narcissist who places no value on truth. Under such circumstances the situation can oñly be resolved for me by total silence and blocking. I shall never again put myself into the impossible situation of trying to reason with a narcissist. When i determine someone is one, i shut the door of friendship. I would rather be alone with my cats and my projects. At least i am not wasting my time anymore.
Exactly right. Arguing with a delusional person is pointless
@@dirceucavendish888 Except for the narc, who loves drama and the search for power and control!
Amen and very true. As the other said about arguing with a delusional person - you cannot reason with a completely unreasonable person - and in fact in my personal opinion and experiences is hardly human at all anyways so do not bother communicating with them on a human level. It is absolutely 100% impossible.
they triple down on lying when you suggest that they lie to you.
Which is a strong clue that you were right.
"Narcissists: They're known not for what they publicly portray themselves to be, but what they hide." That's brilliant and exactly how I see the coverts NOW that I have the knowledge.
I guess what they are hiding from specifically - and being dishonest about , is the exact same thing that they are projecting onto you. They can't handle the emotional weight of it. They can't process it , so they play hot potato, and pass all their shame and guilt etc, onto you. They feel the relief of it. It is an addictive strategy, as it brings emotional relief. They are like someone drowning emotionally. It is a survival strategy to enable them to emotionally regulate and to avoid a narcissistic collapse . They are an emotional mess.
Excellent assessment! They are hiding from who they are.
I'd agree with this. Problem is that hot potato is a heavy burden for their children. There is near zero openness in my family, it's very uncomfortable
You explained to me exactly what my younger brother has been doing to me ( & others) his entire adulthood. It makes so much sense to me now. Thank you.
Yeah well I’m a 5”3 woman and they’ve behaved nothing short of psychopathic to me. It’s not fair that they won’t carry their own share. And try to displace all their shame onto me. I take the shame for my deeds. Why can’t they?
It’s not a relationship but instead it’s just a manipulationship from start to finished with you
@@caroleminke6116 So well expressed, love it!
These are chronically sad people, they use all the wrong remedies for their sadness, and it’s not working.
So accurate, Fred.
Exactly. My ex even said he doesn't know what makes him happy because he never felt happy in his life. Sometimes he said he feels empty inside. I thought for a long time it was depression, only to learn the hard way.
Sounds like the Eeore" syndrome. Is what I like to call it. Thedonkey from Winnie the Pooh.
Everything is WONDERFUL! that’s today! yesterday - I feel as though I don’t have any friends left! SO - what to believe when you’re friends with a covert narcissist? neither! The jump from poor me to grandiose successful is so deceptive , just back off for your own sake!
I was engaged to a man like this, he was unwilling to be truthful. I had no clue he was telling me lies the whole time. It is scary how easy some people find it to lie.
I'm glad he's past tense.
@@SurvivingNarcissism well they fake future build. I now think he had no intention of every marrying me. It is hard to know exactly what his motivations were.
You are correct. This type of Narcissist’s dishonesty always leaves the victim questioning themselves. I think that is why some of us become “detectives” or feel the need to prove or take note of what is going on or being said because we need the proof for ourselves. This adds to the exhaustion. After 42 years, I still have days where something new pops into my head and I can see that memory through a new lens and it isn’t pretty.
It has been helpful to recall past incidents where I missed a sibling's passive-aggressiveness and sly put-downs. Enlightening, and motivation to set and use better boundaries!
Oh yes! I've been detective lately on stuff from 2017 when I was apparently lied to. More recent my gut led me to question some things more recent & yes he was lying as well as texting some women. Now I look back on those 2027-2019 yrs and question soo many like you. Memories of outlandish things.
I completely understand! After all these years I am still learning of new deceptions! This is all from someone who supposedly cares! It is a huge betrayal. Is it no wonder we go through so much from this type of abuse! Sending you hugs!
After decades of never quite putting my finger on their tactics, I'm finally understanding the gravity of how they operate. Now, just to learn how to navigate the destruction.
Yeah, limit interaction as much as possible.
"Covert=Dishonesty "= liers=game player, on and on they go with eye staring as they play , along with the partial grins. Never ending.
Yes, take the " higher road with head held high as you go❤
After watching hundreds of videos, this one describes my ex-wife like no other… every single word, every one. Dealing with their desire to watch you squirm is something so harrowing I would not wish it on anyone. I lived this hell for 16 years and it killed me inside; the “casual dishonesty” as I termed it completely broke my heart. These people are incredibly dangerous and they ruin people for sport. Get away, if you can.
The casual dishonesty, and that cold desire to see your squirm....., yes, they come from another world.
I'm so sorry. My son's malignant narcissist is waiting for me to die, as quickly as possible.
It’s impossible to be with someone who lies constantly. If you prove one lie untrue they counter with ten more. My ex left me suicidal.
@@dahliafiend Several years ago I heard that the nicest guy from high school committed suicide. I was stunned, as were many others who knew him over the course of his life. I ran into someone who knew his brother and the reason was that
he had been in a protracted custody battle with a crazy woman ....I think NA is linked to more suicides than anyone would
ever guess and MH professionals are clueless.
Sad to hear of your story, I found 100% of Dutch Child Protective Services to be covert narcissists. Who thoroughly enjoyed watching my wife and I squirm while they continually extended his completely unjustified removal from home. That was until I intervened and fled with my child and wife to Poland, which has a functioning rule of law.
I was abused by a Pastor, that, after researching it on the Net, I came to view as a Covert Narcissist. This and related videos by Drs Ramani and Daren Magee, also Dr Emily Mayfield, have helped to convince me that my suspicions were likely accurate. Thx, DrC, and the other fine Therapists who post free videos here on UA-cam: You're performing an invaluable service to the community.
So pleased to be on the journey with you! I wish for you the best.
Take care, I was abused in a church by two narcissistic pastors and their wives. The shane, self-blame, ostracism and so on led me to be suicidal, having c-PTSD, los self-esteem and so on. Thank God I know now but I habe to work in myself.
My Doctor can bring, life to great let's be normal, I'm trying,
At last we know now as Yeshua has declared to be protected from wolves in lamb s disguise. I suffer from my own husband and minister that no one can see though I have daid to some about the behaviour. I follow God not him I never listen to his speech after I found out his covert disorder. I know I have be narcissist resistant and I have dismantled much of my own ways so as to enjoy my freedom with friends that he cannot have access in fellowshiping whatsoever. God bless you and press on God is faithful to us
@@chanteynk7324
The covert narcissist’s dishonesty is a given considering the fact that they are incapable of being self-reflective and honest with themselves. It reminds me of the saying, “garbage in, garbage out.”
Exactly 💯
I think their mouth just makes things up after they feel something, the mouth isn't really clued in, it doesn't know what's going on and just confabulates stuff. It's a bit like Anton-Babinski syndrome where someone who is blind will insist they can see and make up excuses against any evidence that shows they are blind.
Stop fooling yourself.
They are 100% capable of self reflection! That's what makes it so easy to play YOU.
@@AllanI3374 When I think of self reflection, I think of it as a contemplative state in which one considers who they are, how they interact with others and why they do the things they do. I consider it a healthy thing that gives us an opportunity to learn and grow as moral human beings. In my experience, that is not what narcissistic individuals do. I’m certainly not an expert though, and I’m open to learning. I hope you’ll take the time to elaborate on your comment.
“garbage in, garbage out.”🪡
When you said; 'I need to look good in public' hit the nail on the head. My ex husband, the narcissist would act caringly and tentative me in public, and behind closed doors, it was as if I didn't exist. Thank you Doctor Carter.
Public angel, private demon.
@@SurvivingNarcissism this ☝️
Yes, like we don't exist, or can do no right. I grew up with that; couldn't wait to grow up and move out. I ended up marrying one. We can divorce a spouse, but I got stuck caring for my elderly father which is making me miserable. I need to learn to set boundaries. I hope you are doing well.
I hope you find a way to not have to take care of your elderly abusive father. You owe you peace and freedom. You owe him nothing
One time I was reading a psychiatric report on a client's wife who was diagnosed with NPD. She was a covert narcissist who had everyone fooled except the Forensic Psychologist. He wrote in his report, which was submitted later to the court "she began to speak to me in a low tone which was almost like a whisper when she spoke of her ex husband. It was as if we were sharing secrets together." That doctor knew that she was full of it. She did everything imaginable to stop that man from seeing his children. She manipulated the court system to her advantage for quite a while. Narcissists can fool a lot of people for a while, but they don't fool everyone all of the time. That was the custody case from hell. Unfortunately, the legal system is powerless when it comes to justice in family law cases. Not all cases are lost but a lot of people lose their children in the process of fighting a narcissist in court because the attorney fees are so high. The real losers are the children.
It's very sad.
🎯💯
I know this all too well. 😢
Most of the time the victim is not believed. I
Yes Angel, you called it when you said the real children are the losers. Many times they don't survive. My narcissist alcoholic father decided he could raise us better than a mother who loved me and my older sister by boarding us out with abusive strangers. My sister became a narcissist and dealt me untold suffering from which I have suffered my entire life from age 3 to 80. They are all deceased now but the damage lives on. I still consider me the lucky one because they all died miserable. As for me, I am a contented hermit. I have found a beautiful peace because when I see a narc now I usher them out the door and close it behind them.
Pathological liars and superficial to the core! So cruel. No "feelings" but for their own fragile egos. Then, OMG Such emotionally stunted "creatures'.
Since everything they say is at least partially untrue ~ they never need to recall exactly what they lied about or what exact lies they told or when. Lying maintains their "reality".
Yes, it's their reality 😮💨
It's enough to drive someone crazy. 🤦♀️
This is perplexing. My father was not with his sister when they took her off the life support. They asked if he wanted them to wait for him. I don't know if he was told by my mother. We had just returned from seeing her. The hospital would wait for us to drive there the next morning.
He said just the other day that he was with his sister when she passed. I don't know if my mother told him that. When he describes it, he describes their goodbye.
Ultimately this must be all he can handle? It feels so odd for the family not to correct him. Other family members were there. If he was corrected he might become very upset at not remembering. So is he told or is it in his mind?
🎯 exactly!
My future nex proudly said" but most of my lying is by omission"
Dreadful people.soul killing.
That's amazing...in a not so good way.
'You just interpreted it wrong' - that was literally the theme of our disagreements, especially in situations that really took me off guard, when he said or did something that just didn't match with who I thought he was (who he was trying to portray, as I now understand). Often followed by anger, and 'you know I'm not good at expressing myself' or 'you are making me look like a bad person'. I was really so confused and thought I was going mad.
He would always have a great explanation afterwards to what he actually meant or why that happened and although it somewhat didn't feel right, it would make enough sense for me to take it.
Another great video. Thank you for doing this for us❤
I have run into this from four very damaged people, three of whom were very close to me. One is no contact, and I am gray rocking 2 until I die and they are too dense to understand. I just do a verbal 2 step with them for a half hour per week, and they think there is a relationship.
Treating them as an adult means you've already lost. They live in a fantasy world that forces them to test boundaries because emotionally they are children. Once you realize that you don't have to find them attractive or worth taking seriously.
This sums up my ex-husband. Lies, lies, lies. As a very honest person myself, I have NO idea how someone can lie that much and not feel sick to their stomach! And of course he is lying about me to our kids and the whole family now that I’ve left him. It’s unbelievable.
My father groomed myself and my siblings since we were kids to feel sorry for him. He was the “cult leader” so to speak. When my mother and him divorced, it forced my mom to move away and go back to school and he didn’t like that we wanted to go with her! He made her life hell and would say things about my mom just enough to made us kids feel angry and resentful towards her. Fast forward to just recent (I’m 32) I had my own experiences with my father, started to study up narcissistic abuse and realize my dad is an abusive and evil man. We have zero contact as of right now. I finally see what my mother put up with! Keep your integrity, and eventually I believe the children will see through the ex husband! 💕
@@Heaveniswaitingforyou Thank you for this; I’m so relieved for you and your Mom! But does this mean your poor Mom went ten to twenty years or more without you and your siblings? Because although I know my own life has value beyond just my kids, I REALLY don’t want to wait more than a few years for them to figure it out. I still have one daughter in school, and I don’t want to miss her graduation. I also know it’s completely out of my control.
@@theladyamalthea oh sorry I don’t think I was clear! We stayed with my mom for most of the time! I went and lived with my dad at age 17 and graduated and then he abandoned me. But I see how that time with him, helped confirm even more why he’s a covert narcissist. I wrote him a letter recently but he could care less. I’ll be praying for you and your family, 🙏💕 it’s so hard when we deal with pure evil! I feel a lot of empathy for you because it’s so hard when the person you married was supposed to be who they portrayed!
@@theladyamalthea Also I wanted to share this memory from when I was 12. My dad and my grandparents emotionally abused us for days before my mom came back from a trip. My dad planned to tell my mom he wanted a divorce and that he was taking us kids. I knew the whole time that something deep down was wrong. I didn’t want to believe that my mom was evil. My mom held her integrity and didn’t yell and scream and throw things like they said she would. She was weeping and said she loved us. It was incredibly traumatic looking back because my dad was cold and didn’t comfort any of us kids the whole time. So this is the part that gets me every time I think about it. I heard a clear audible voice tell me to go with my mother! I believe this was Gods voice. So I did and my dad and grandparents were soo angry with me. But I went with my mom. My dad drained the joint bank account and he took away the car because it wasn’t in her name. I look back in disgust at that. I’m just so thankful that God helped me get strong enough to stop excusing his behaviour! And it took a long time but it happened! And my brother is starting to see some things too. Praying my sister is next. Evil doesn’t win in the end 💕🙏
@@Heaveniswaitingforyou So my husband’s parents paid for plane tickets for the kids to come visit them for a week. I thought, “How nice!” They spent that week grooming the kids and talking trash about me. When the kids came back, all of them were extremely cold towards me, and I didn’t know why. But when we sat them down and told them we were separating, not one of them wanted to come live with me. A bit later, one of my brothers told me what had happened while the kids were visiting. He is the only one who believes me about my husband being abusive. Even my own parents sided with the abusive b@stard. So I haven’t seen my kids in almost 5 months now.
I completely agree with you that God spoke to you when he told you to go with your mom, but apparently he didn’t speak to my kids. Or if he did, they ignored him. My kids have come to believe that I have lied to them about many things, that I am seriously mentally unstable, and that I am a danger to be around. I just don’t see how I will be able to convince them otherwise when they don’t want to see me or talk to me much. I text each of them about once a week, but I get ignored half the time.
I had a friend who used to become angry with me when we went bowling because I was not competitive. I told them that I enjoy winning against myself but I don't care about winning against someone else. I am happy if I win and happy if I don't win, it is just not important to me to be superior to anyone.
I understand not being competitive. I'm the same way, I just enjoy the game being played with the other person. It's an interesting feeling when your just enjoying yourself while the other person is just dying to win at all costs lol.
@@ruckerbrady8342 There is a difference between being competitive and needing to win at all costs. I've been competitive all of my life. There is a time and place for it. To be competitive is about bettering yourself through competition to see how you stack up and where you need to improve. The win-at-all-costs "competitiveness" is psychopathy, where one will outright cheat and use any other greasy tactic in order to prevail. Competition is healthy. Win at all costs is psychopathy.
This is absolutely mind-boggling to someone who very highly values openness, mutual respect, and honesty like me.
It's like narcissists are another species who specifically came from HELL, as if they're NOT HUMAN !
I agree 💯 % with you . They are creatures . Evil creatures .
Definitely Sub human, an odd variation, a mutation, we need an Alert to avoid them.
I believe this!
They are the satanic virus
Indeed
It begins with "little-white-lies" and "half-truths". Self-examination is avoided.
Yes indeed, narcissists have to start small and work their way up with each new person they meet, testing you at every step to see just how much they can get away with.
The "little" and "white" lies and the half truths are never ending.
I cannot believe how absolutely accurately this describes my husband. 😢
Oh goodness I had to rewatch, I started listening, and my memory went way back to even now when he calls me, has soon as Dr Carter started talking about the way the convert narcissist shares just enough to get you to share a whole lot about yourself, 😳 and then taking notes and using this later against you for control, and trust me if they slip up and share more than they want to, they lie about that later, or sometimes lie when sharing..
It's best just to listen.
"...known by what they hide." (14:02) Yes, this phrase brings up the sense I had of all the missing pieces, the voids in the interactions and failures to connect on anything but a paper-thin superficial basis. I began to think of it as a phantom, a being without substance or anything concrete I could hold onto. Add to that vaporousness, the neglect, dismissiveness, isolation, negativity, stonewalling, gaslighting, and silence and the experience basically ERASES the partner who is desperately trying to have a relationship with.... nothing.
Gail, So we'll said. That is it in a nutshell.
That really describes it so well.
They say something plausible, but it's suspicious if they understand what they mean. If you feel wrong, then it's wrong and don't listen to them anymore.
Yes, 🎯 they use trickery and are cunning. They detest the desire for honesty. That is when one first alerts their radar, threat incoming.
Yes, Yukio, you are avsolutely right: when you feel something is wrong, there is something indeed wrong.
🙏💛🙏
Thanks for saying that "open" people are the healthiest... I was always very open..honest and forthright with people but have found it harder over the years to be that way as many others aren't willing to be that way ... so it makes things awkward and many people are surprised that you are willing to open up to them .. something they would rarely if ever do
I'm of the opinion as I've reached "old" age, that the less you share with other people until you've properly vetted them is the best way to get through life in peace.
And I found those that were the data collectors to bring it back up when most damage could be caused!!
Chronic dishonesty is a key cause that relationships are destroyed.
"I have memory problems" - that was the lie I bought for two years from a covert narcissist. It was always my fault for not being clear enough, or not doing things right enough and anytime I caught them in a lie they gave me a sob story about their memory issues.
Dr C, you always save my sanity in explaining the madness of dealing with these sick people. Thank you. You’ve done wonders for me. 😊
Pleased!
Same for me Dr C
Gathering data to use against me later was my MIL's specialty. She could blindside me one month later or it could be three or four. It got to the point where I would sit in a corner and just keep my damn mouth shut lol. It's been two and a half years no contact and I couldn't be happier.
48 yrs with this narc, didn't know about this shit until a few years ago. This one could have wrote the book on this, he is text book 100%
A narc who was related to my wife, and who unfortunately lived very close to us, was the epitome of dishonesty by lying every time he opened his mouth, and by stepping all over mine- and everybody else‘s boundaries. He was obsessed about being the supreme leader of the „greater family“ that is, of the 4 families (all related) who lived close to each other. He criticized EVERYTHING that I did - or didn’t - do !
He also criticized e.g. me for taking - in his opinion - too many pictures of the children. He said „You should do it the way my parents did it : one picture as a baby, one as a teenager, and one when you are grown up“.
The following week I showed him my latest pictures, and I hadn‘t taken any of his kids : he was NOT pleased !
I said : „Why should I take pictures of your kids when you don‘t want them?“
He had criticised me for taking pictures, and for not taking pictures ! It was not possible to do anything correctly in his view : he was ALWAYS critical of everything and everybody, but at the same time, VERY sensitive about being criticized..🤷🏼♂️🤮
True narc
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.
(Plato)
Excellent ❤
@@susanparker9877 Thank you ❤
@@roxymovie3938 👩🎨🐕🐕
My enemy is a narcissist , not me !! -Kim
Spite, contempt and a long sigh...
'Needed to hear this. Covert = Dishonesty.
I'm going to have to let go, family or not.
How many times are we kicked in the teeth before we walk away?! 🤔💜🐾
No, narcissism = dishonesty.
But indeed: when is enough enough?! I can tell you from experience going no contact is a delight. I’ve distanced myself 3 years ago. And soon completely. I’m looking forward to it. The most difficult thing for me was the worry ‘what would other people/outsiders think of me’? But that is just the old programming to make me feel guilty and get me back in the place of the scapegoat. Get yourself free. Don’t look behind. Jump into the unknown. EVERYTHING IS WAY BETTER THAN STAYING around these emotionally distorted persons, family or not. You didn’t ask for this kind of family. Why would you stay? Find out what your core values and boundaries are and stay put! 👊🏻
Yep! I had to walk away. Protect your heart and your peace.
I have distanced for nearly a decade - even moving a couple hundred miles away. As the narc in my life now faces fading physical beauty and has begun daily drinking, their behavior has become a non-negotiable. Appreciate your input 💜
Thank you 💜
@@gypsyfaded5907they do, right?! If a person doesn’t deal with trauma it will become harder to ignore it when he/she gets older, because their strength is declining. So also physical can’t get ‘the ball’ of trauma under water; it costs too much energy. My sister has 2 autoimmuundiseases, my brother stage 4 cancer of the bladder and drinking too much as well. All I have to do is self protection to not get dragged into their abyss with them. Great you could physically move away from them. That helps a lot, i presume
‘Why can’t they be honest with themselves?’ Because they don’t see it as dishonesty, in their fantasyworld its the truth! That’s why they can lie as the best, because they themselves believe it as truth. And because they dissociate they will miss parts of what happened. They fill up those gaps by confabulation. That’s why they can say completely the opposite within minutes after the other statement.
I see it happening with my sister. She does it completely subconscious. Its automatic behavior, trauma respons. It’s sad in a way, but I’m done with this s..t. The projection, the manipulation to get control and to get it always her way.
I already kept my distance last few years, which already gave so much peace in my life. And now all in a sudden she can ask questions how I am doing, while before I was ignored completely. She asked it yesterday also. Note! She asked: are your health issues mentally or physically? All I said was: don’t you dare tell others I have mental issues because that’s not the case. It’s purely physical (I have Dengue at the moment. Not fun) and what it is is personal. I get enough personal attention. I don’t need yours. ‘I am just trying to be nice to you’. Oh stop it. There comes the pity party and useless discussions. I cut it off immediately. This is just a way to get information out of me to use against me.
after my mother of 93 years will pass away (that will be soon), I will cut all ties. I will and can never ever trust her again. No contact. What a relief it will be!
My mother fits this totally, but she is very passive aggressive. 😢 It has broken my heart to realize that not only does she not love me, she never has.
I’m right there with you!! 💯💯
The fact is they NEVER CHANGE.
And the older they get the worse they get.
In my experience he had sent me a text saying he was an emotional drinker and he was worried he would turn out like his alcoholic father. Two years later he was telling me I’m the problem. Anytime I wanted to talk about how he hurt me he’d accuse me of not letting shit go, told me I was a whiny ass teenage girl. He has since gone right back to the hook up apps and adding random guys to his socials. His fantasy world is more important I guess.
Narcissists (in all their glorious sub-clinical manifestations) have a pronounced poverty in their capacity for self-reflective insight.
Finding a person on the narcissistic spectrum of personality who can not only introspect -- but actually identify their emotional motivation driving a self-destructive reaction to external stimuli...almost unheard of.
To form a thematic connection to his alcoholic father, than express that to you in a way that places him in the negative light...it's being vulnerable and honest
(and something that all narcissists share, is their deep loathing for vulnerability and honesty...in fact, most would literally rather die that EVER be truly vulnerable...most can't even be honest with themselves; thus the root of their disorder).
That sounds more like your standard addict behaviour.
The personal attacks against you are more likely a defense mechanism to avoid feelings of shame in him.
(something addicts and narcissists DO share in common)
You kinda have to ask yourself: Why would anyone like him would be using substances such as drugs, sex, alcohol etc. despite knowing first hand how those life choices are slowly destroying not only him, but everyone he loves and cares about around him?
(acknowledging his first-hand experience with an alcoholic father)
It's to escape. To avoid emotions he doesn't know what to do with.
That's why emotions are his addiction trigger.
Maybe you can see how "Anytime I wanted to talk about how he hurt me" is going directly at his soft spot and thus, invoked all of those (toxic - borderline abusive) defense mechanisms? The human brain attempts to deal with overwhelming experiences by trying to protect us (defense mechanisms).
When you do directly at a sensitive subject like that you're cornering someone and demanding they unearth all their buried traumas. Emotional subjects that were avoided so intensely because of a lack of safety in dealing with them directly.
Sometimes people choose to self-medicate with a "crutch" of some sort.
We call addictions "crutches" because people use them to cope with life when they're really struggling. Eventually anything becomes a habit, but those underlying issues they were struggling with never truly go away. For addicts to do deep stuff like that...they first have to work on healing their lives to a point where they no longer feel the need to use their crutch of choice just to live.
For him that sounds like being addicted to fantasy.
Fantasies where he's confident, physically desired, charismatic, and pretty much anything but vulnerable and unhappy. Alcohol and stuff are simply emotional devices used to facilitate that fantasy for him.
It's ironic how sometimes we can think someone we struggle to understand is a narcissist because they aren't _honestly_ SEEING or HEARING us
(because they don't care enough to empathize or seek to understand where we're coming from mentally and consider how things might affect us)
-- only to later realize that we in our pain/unresolved issues, failed to empathize with them as we expected them to do for us.
While I can't say that "everyone" has narcissistic traits and/or features in their personality inventory (well over 90% of all humans do).
I can say that narcissism is present in varying shades and severities in nearly everyone.
Is it possible that in the depths of your pain, you may have projected some of your own emotional content onto him?
Perhaps because you couldn't get the emotional resolution you wanted and expected from him, so you may have (subconsciously) branded him a "narcissist" as a way of trying to give yourself that feeling of closure?
Narcissism is a self-protective aspect of human personality and the mindset tends to take over whenever our deepest selves are psychologically wounded; to the point where we struggle to heal the damage.
_(thus narcissistic delusions of grandeur, persecutory delusions, black and white thinking, psychological projections, validation seeking behaviour, using "sob stories" to garner attention and sympathy, denial, blame shifting, rationalizations/justifications, defensiveness, a need to be right, a need to FEEL superior, smear campaigns against a person that hurt you, a dismissive attitude, lack of empathy, inability to separate personal feelings from objective facts, exhibiting increased ego-dysyntonic traits, magical thinking, a fear of being vulnerable, fear of rejection or ridicule, need for approval, silent treatment, a desire to humiliate or lower someone else [aka ego-sadism], self-righteousness, feeling entitled to treat someone badly because you feel personally victimized; thus a lack of remorse etc.)_
I sincerely hope I was able to provide some serious food for thought and perhaps self-reflection on the often messy relational dynamics between addictions and narcissistic personalities.
Dr C I like your distillation that narcissists are not what they show publicly but what they hide. So true!
Sounds like my sister. Very nice to me on Facebook where everyone can see.
Pretends to be vulnerable by complaining about the chores she was expected to do as a kid and what a raw deal she had. Truth is I never saw her lift a finger. Never mind the fact that I was beaten black and blue. This was something I brought upon myself, evidently.
She's playing victim
Has she blamed her entire life on you? Mine did. I was blamed for her getting fired, family problems, causing a fracture in the family. Apparently I have this huge power in everything 😂
@@michelerunyon9593 Not quite. I haven't seen her in 14 years as I refuse to meet with her husband who has also been abusive towards me, so it was always two against one. Because I won't meet with him she won't meet with me and has even accused me of bullying him! I offered family therapy but she absolutely refused. Just wants everything on her terms. So I'll probably never see her again. She's almost 80 now. Has bullied me all my life.
Can't make them admit any mistakes but rather play a game of hide the truth. Big fun seeing me squirm
I speculate that coverts have a variety of rehearsed fake vulnerability routines to strategically display. I've seen a couple of these where I was thinking that there was something self aggrandizing in a confession.
Yup. The humble-brag.
I think you're right. I had a "friend" that would cry in the "right " situation but it Always felt odd. I was like this isn't genuine to myself. I could tell she was trying to manipulate my emotions. Tears came and went so suddenly after I didn't budge.
The dishonesty is what took years for me to recognize. My Nex had this cautionary tale about her lying as a child and another was punished for it. She used that as proof that she was now incapable of lying. She could appear to take the high road in every circumstance. She mastered plausible deniability and reminded us often how she’d learned her lesson to never lie. I’d imagine she’d tweak that now (we’ve been NC for 8-1/2 years) by believing something to be true MAKES it true. For her. If I disagree, I’m the liar. Sigh.
So much projection and self deception! See you shortly at the live feed! I really appreciate how you encourage the rest of #TeamHealthy.
And this is after 8.5 years? 😣
@@t_nels She left at the end of July 2015. No contact on her side, I tried to contact for a couple months (until I understood), then stopped altogether. Divorce (from her) became final in August of this year. She’s remarried now, I hear.
@@aaronkwolfe I guess there is no getting away from it, as long as your family is involved. It is all encompassing.
Even with radical acceptance it isn't going to stop the damage to all.
I'm not seeing how to stop the bleeding.
It is a very evil attack.
@@aaronkwolfe I know the situation is totally different. How does going NC help in a situation like mine where it's a parent?
At this point I feel like I just need to know the hard truth.
It's chilling how on point you are, Dr. They appear vulnerable but it's mostly a tactic - no wonder they tell you a sad story within the first minutes they get to know you. And you - being naturally empathetic - put your guard down and begin to think how you can help this individual!
And HOW TRUE, Dr.! They don't go deep, they don't learn from their hardships in life. They stay on the surface. And they COMPLAIN. Nothing is ever good for them.
I'm more than a year off from my narc relationship and I'm still discovering the covert narc's characteristic. I extend a huge thanks to you, Dr. 🙏
You’re quite welcome
I've disconnected myself from them so it no longer effects me. I'm not playing their game anymore I simply don't care. They can't manipulate and control me anymore.
Thanks, Dr. Carter. I have grown to enjoy the Texan accent, thanks to you. Your kindness in validating the experiences of people is insuperable.
I am sure you have saved many lives, and saved many people's sanity.
You are very welcome
Ooof. Wish I knew about covert narcissists before I spent 30 years married to one. I watch these videos through a rear view mirror. Even at that, they do help me move forward as I learn there are actually words and phrases that explain what I experienced - gaslighting, projection, passive-aggressive, devaluation and discard. Thanks for making these videos. One thing though, I do recommend that folks interview potential therapists first to see if they have experience with narcissistic abuse. The therapist I consulted after being discarded seemingly did not have the background to recognize covert narcissism so that therapist did not really help me navigate and make sense of the relationship and how to recover from the abuse and dishonesty.
Hi Dr. C, You have confirmed the character of my elderly narc. mother. After a lifetime of no friendship or care for me and my siblings, I am not engaging with her any longer. It is not an easy decision to walk away from a parent, but a lifetime of her dishonesty and antics. I need peace for myself at any price. All your courses have been extremely helpful. Blessings, Eileen
He is so good at the game, my whole family did not believe
me. They have stopped talking to me, I lost my whole family.
❤
Why are people trying to be nice to me? They are apologizing and buying my children’s gifts. They know that I hate gifts. What’s the point? I’m okay without being with them or talking to them. I wish they stop calling me and coming over my house unannounced. I am busy doing absolutely nothing. 🎯
12 yrs ago I nearly married a narcissist....over the yr we were engaged I caught him in many lies. He couldn't run from them anymore so he said "if I tell you the truth about certain things you will leave me". his code of ethics was based on that premise. that says so much about the deep rooted issues he had. to this day he never actually told me anything about his family, or why his daughter was also trying to tell me some big secret....he hushed her up and she never was allowed to tell me. I don't have any idea what was going on behind the scenes.
Unfortunately my dad is a heavy duty covert narcissist and boy howdy you nailed it. It took me right about 40 years when covid happened that created a cut off between us and that's when I realized what he was and what had been going on my whole life. I used to put it like my dad abused me by taking me to dinner in the tone of dark humor bc they really are that nuanced. The abuse is nuanced to the inth degree! Thanks Dr C 🙏
I love holding them accountable. Had an N make some pretty outlandish promises to me earlier this year. Things they could never deliver on.
Fast forward 10 months when he thinks I’ve well and truly forgotten, and I innocently broached the topic.
“So it’s almost the end of the year and I’m still waiting for these promises. What do you think the timeframe’s gonna be?”
The squirm was real. Of course, he was too tired to talk about it.
Hold them accountable. They hate it.
So true
You like to play with fire you😂😂😂...
Love it, though! Good.
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. They are very passive aggressive too. They will walk like a cat around the house just to listen to you talk to someone or on the phone. There is never any privacy with them. They are very dishonest. Lips move, they lie. Thank you so very much Dr. Carter for this video for sure.
Persuasive dishonesty, absolutely. Now, if they could only persuade themselves. That, in a nutshell, is their problem. Persuade themselves, it's not them, that is the liar.
They will never admit it sums it up. I guess it’s excessive and has been combined with some aggressive behavior so that’s why I’m where I’m at with it.
Gurgling with anger?? Nothing compared to the anger I unleashed a few days ago (my bad, but I was pushed to my limits.) Did anything change? Oh, heck, noes! Sending my blood pressure to the stratosphere was a complete waste of time. They are NOT going to change. Not ever! Forget "Hope." Hope is a vertical virtue and is between you and God. Hope that the covert passive aggressive narc will change is toxic!!
We said "Wow! This person we barely know never has anything nice to say about their own family. Can't believe they're telling us this." Only to learn eventually that they intended to do the same things as the family members they criticized.
You're literally talking about my ex! He would be often saying how happy he is he turnt out this well considering how broken his family was, and how he was so much better person than all his siblings. Constantly complaining how he struggles with his manipulative lying mother. Turned out he was much worse.
@@ivizz100 Seriously, it's like they tell you what they plan to do, but fake disapproval. Maybe to see how you react. You just don't expect people to be that cruel.
That's all John Williams talks about is his son and nephew who he lives with cuz he lost his home got evicted didn't believe the letters thst CAME. - HE came to my house after started a bon fire in my backyard.
I think he thought I was gonna have open arms to stay at my house- hell no cuz I was onto him already- fire left unattended came in started arguing with me over something stupid- HE went out I heard a bang got up from. What I was doing. He had pulled my hose so hard pulled pipes apart down stairs- fire spread to neighbors - noone hurt not alot damage. Melted siding. But my neighbors got 15,000$ in damages from my home OWNERS- YOU THINK HE SAID SORRY OR APOLOGIZE OR HAD ANY GUILT?? NO HE SAID I YELLED FOR YOU AND YOU DIDN'T COME OUT AND WHY DIDNT YOU CONE OUT AND SIT WITH ME WITH THR FIRE???WHAT?? I HAD MY OWN THING I WAS DOING. HE CAME OVER AFTRR GETTING EVICTED STARTED CHOIS AT MY HOUSE TRIED BLAME ME.
THE FUK- HE A REAL NARCISSIST - AFTER SEEING THESE VIDEOS IIT TOOK ME YEARS TO FIGURE THIS OUT. THR LIES THE LITTLE WHITE LIES HE YELLS AT HIS DAUGHTER ABOUT I YELLED APPLE DIDNT FALL FAR FROM TREEE.
HE IS A RACIST SAYS N WORD WHICH I HATE. I CALLED HIM A RACIST AFTER HE USED IT AGAIN- HE LOOKED ME IN THE EYES SAID IM NOT A RACIST WITH A STRAIGHT FACE - MY ARMY GUY WAS BLACK FRIEND SAME STORY DIFF DAY- ALWAYS HAS SAME STORIES NOTING EVRR CHANGES.
AND YES HE FEEDS OFF OTHERS THEN USES IT AGAINST YOU IF YOU OPEN UP TO HIM AS I DID I TOLD HIM SHIT I NEVER TOLD NO-ONE ELSE HE USED AGAINST ME LATER. THEN HIS TRUCK FLAT TIRES - HE BLAMED ME. OMG IM 53 REALLY??
NOTHING IS HIS FAULT
NOTHING EVER.
AND HES IMMATURE
CANT HANDLE SERIOUS MOMENTS HE CHECKS OUT- LIES SAID OH MY PHONE WENT ON AIRPLANE MODE YEA OK azz
My mother is a covert narcissist. I know all about it.
Such people dont even take care of their pets, and they reduce their children to accessories
This video is so instructive and gives a really clear picture of what to expect with a covert narcissist. Sometimes it takes 2 years to start to see past the 'fake image' as with a covert narcissist 'friend' I met 4 years ago...The first two years were full of fake promises ('You'll always be welcome in my family', 'I'll help you with your humanitarian project', 'I'm with you'...None of which actually materialised) and 'positive comments' (which turned out to only be empty flattery) and gradually moved towards flirting (to get an ego boost!). What followed the first 2 years has been an endless series of let-downs, drama, passive aggressive behaviour and need to control me. The bottom line is lying in all its forms. Dishonesty.
My family has called it “oh it’s embellishing the story or event etc.”. Um there is no variation of the truth. The truth is the truth.
I never heard this message so clear as here: Covert n. equals dishonesty. I never thought it to be that way- I always protected their view ( they are afraid, they are cowards, they have problems ). So since a while I realised someone to be a c. n. instead of being just a weak person ( because they faked their prof. title and other things- that woke me up, so to speak )
Learning these things can keep me aware and safe from this type of abuse in the present and future
But their dishonesty is sometimes hard to get ahead of since they have been doing it for decades. The covert narcissist (my mother) has lied so much and become very crafty at it. My mom would always tell me, well you were too young to remember, when in all actuality I do remember and it was nothing like the stories she tells people in order to get attention and or supply as they call it. Because of this, I have decided to go no contact, and I am so much better off. It's really hard to sit back and let her go on and on to friends and family, but it's for the best. Thank you Dr. Carter for sharing your thoughts and expertise on this subject.
This is so accurate with my former friend whom I already discarded since these patterns already manifested in him.
This content is so validating that I am not the crazy one and my decision to get him out of my life is truly a game changer.
Thank you for this, Dr. C. ❤
It’s weird how when we’re dealt with them we’re questionable our sanity! Meanwhile we now know it’s them who’s the Sick Puppy
@@cherobinson6371 I couldn't agree more 💯
It's natural to take on some of the traits of others you spend most of your time with. But if one of them is a narcissist and you are not, you take on things that ultimately make you feel miserable. It's not really surprising, good people with prosocial skills relate very well with each other when they do this, they build each other up. Not with people who are controlling and destructive. If anything good besides a life lesson learned comes out of this, it is probably the fact that once you get away from toxic people and situations and begin healing, you are able to lose the toxic influences and become a better version of your authentic self.
When they purposely disparage you to people who they know will tell you the lies at some point. Used to get me angry, now I just shrug it off and add it to my list of things that don’t work on me anymore. Therapy and Dr. C can work wonders.
Dr Carter I just watched a podcast of yours dated 5/22. Titled Narcissism and the problem of phoniness. It was brilliant and very informative. Could you do an episode about that topic on UA-cam? ❤️🙏
LOL my mom, who told me about a conversation she had with my brother saying that I wasn’t actually an effin B*tch, just had extreme anxiety. She then turns around and tells me I’m one of her favorites to talk to over the other kids.
I’m in my 40s and finally saw through the manipulation. 😢
It doesn’t matter what lies someone Tries to pull over on me. I can Always see the truth and they look like the fools they truly are. This skill and confidence worked out quite well these past three years as well as the other lies told the public in past decades.
* Team Healthy, .....hurray! Helpful, Honesty & Healing. Rescues in place mindsets by Dr. C. ✌️☮️
He would say, "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." She died. Lies kill.
i grew up w this. two older siblings both narcs. i was always the problem. 😢
I literally have 1000's of examples just like the ones you used lol. Like he offered to pick my daughter up from school after having lunch one day to help me out lol, I usually always say no but I thought I'd try something new to see what happens so I said sure and man you should've seen how uncomfortable he got then immediately started to come up with excuses that actually couldn't do it and then got defensive like I asked him to do it lol. I just ended up saying oh don't worry about it I can totally do it but thanks for offering lol. He immediately felt at ease and went on his way.
Masters of disguise!!! Living their poor empty lives (sadly) just for the show...
This video was spot on to the behaviors I experienced from my husband.
As exhausting as they are to us ....my goodness what a mess is happening in their heads . All the lying is too much to keep up with .
This is my 5th year listening to you as I change out my decor fromm fall to Christmas . I look forward to the holidays again . YEAH !!
This is SO helpful. Thank you so much. I initiated a 6 month no contact with the covert narcissist in my life nearly 10 weeks ago. Everything I have learned from reading, videos, therapy, support group, and 12 step groups has really helped me move out of "what a stupid fool I've been" thinking. The first six weeks were tough. We were together only about 18 months but I really was trying to make it work. I thank God his sadistic side pulled the plug on that. I'm doing so much better now and building a whole new community of support and reliable friends.
He has taken my will to survive.
This channel and other resources will help you. Don't give up!!
I've just watched your video from 7 months ago regarding the stored up anger towards a narcissist. I've been feeling that way for a long time and as I'm now making plans to leave I was wondering how I was going to deal with that anger. I am at the point where I have given up hope that my husband will change but wondered how to move forward without feeling like a fool for putting up with his behaviour for so many years, how to stop feeling like a victim for the rest of my life and move forward with dignity. Your video has given me some great guidelines. Thank you.
Glad it resonated!!
Dr. Carter, you are a gift from heaven. Thank you for your kind, compassionate gifts. Thanks for educating me and giving me validation and comfort.
You’re so kind. Thank you.
You hit the nail on the head this morning Dr C! I have lived with the person you just described for the past 25 years.
Me, too, but make that 40 years. I have to live here, but I don't have to talk or engage with him in any way. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I have been saying this. Glad I spotted this.
15 years with my ex covert wife. by the time i finish the video the fire of anger and rage was lit up..."Narcissists: They're known not for what they publicly portray themselves to be, but what they hide." thank you for this. i'll be using it in court.
This much you say Doc is true. I appreciate what youve done tos us, guiding us in the narcissists maze.
You're quite welcome.
Yes so true! I had to get my number changed. He use calls to pretend to be concerned and honest.
They’ll do this and even psychologists will buy into it and believe they can be “cured”…
Therapists are just another con game to a narcissist
Not live. I still want recommend Debbie Mistra's Worthy of Love. Dr. C had her on. Personal and well researched. Like me she got quite ill upon understanding the love of her life was COVERT.
Their dishonesty will be their undoing! Phew!
Covert narcissists are the closest thing to the devil himself. Makes me squirm inside thinking anyone can live this way.
Counterfeiters.
And then the Bible says we're supposed to pray for our enemies.😮 How do you pray about the devil yuck!