Reactive Abuse | was is it your fault?
Вставка
- Опубліковано 30 чер 2024
- Link to all my resources:
linktr.ee/narcabusecoach
chapters
00:00 Introduction
04:06 Context always matters
05:32 survival system gets activated
07:31 my own reactive abuse experience
09:36 you are not wrong for reacting
Link to all my resources:
linktr.ee/narcabusecoach
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Your channel is amazing. You're saving lives!
Was the video acted? If not, please tell me you reached out to this woman.
@@Jenifer_R_ the woman is the abuser the man broke up with her as she cheated. The story I. This video is different . The man is the victim and the woman is the abuser.
@@Xlbullymom I honestly can't remember what this video was about.
@DanishBashir may I ask your permission to use short clips of your videos?? I am a minister, but a new one and have been suffering nder the heavy hand of narcissitic abuse all my life even now and am finally coming out of the F.O.G. thanks to you and 2 other incredible expertts who have experienced this and been set free like you!
Yes!!! They remain calm in a patronizing manner!!!!! It's insidious!!!!!
My soon to be ex-husband did this ALL THE FREAKING TIME! it was absolutely maddening. He would just sit there, tell me he's no longer talking about it, Then he would say, "I don't understand why you're so angry, why are you yelling, why do you always get so mad?"
Now that I've left, he's acting like he's always been the victim of me!
@juliefisk8066 Oh, yes! They are all that way and will continue to tell you how you were broken or even worse will tell you how you've improved!!!! OMG! That really ammeter me! He even told others how I had improved when we began dating again for a while, but he still emotionally abused me the entire time! He even got worse, and those smirks and evil looks for worse!!! I dated one guy who would just scream at me that I was paranoid as I was getting out of the shower or as I woke up for NO reason!!!! And laughed at me constantly then say, "Oh, calm down, it's just a joke!"
And maje sure to record it for "proof. " Funny they don't record what happened immediately before.
@judithbarrett1660 Well, no, they want everyone to think the abused person is the abuser! That's part of the abuse! The victim becomes victimized by others again, and often by the police!
There's a word, insidious, when would one use it unless they were describing a narc attack! They'll even mirror you in the calm calculated voice and then complain you're yelling "Oh this isn't yelling..." And I will let it rip!
Exactly , In a condescending tone they will continue to provoke you even more until you end up with a stroke
I KNOW! F that!
Weird you said that about a stroke. I’ve had scary moments I thought I was having a stroke. Where did these monsters come from?
I know my crying hysterically, throwing plates against the wall and running barefoot after him etc were reactive abuse. NEVER ONCE have I behaved like this, in all the hundreds of situations I've lived through since, or before. It is the actual opposite of my character, the most dangerous and mortifying situation I was ever in.
Oh I've been there. Just awful.
I have also done things that I never did or imagined doing 😭🫂
Ours liked to provoke other people to violence and then call the police and have them put in jail. He did it to our teenage son one too many times and it backfired. By that time the police were on to his game and arrested him instead.
Narcissist abuse is hidden abuse, scars are not seen but you are blamed. Once you give narc their own taste of nedicine, your soul becomes peaceful as if you won kurukshetra fight.... 😊😅
And not believed (like by my own mom).
Yes I know , my first experience was in the family where my brother told all terrible things about me and the whole family except 1 niece was on his side. When he died all the truth came out and the whole family become quiet 😉 during the whole time I was able to be calm and not rude to anyone
Yes it's death by a thousand paper cuts.....
Even with scars (and welts, and blood, and lumps all over your face and head, and rug burn, and measurable brain damage, etc.,) can all be ignored too if people don't want to see them. That was my family and his. They all thought I was lying and "trying to ruin his life" (his mother). It's mind-boggling how people can be this way.
@@lucialuciferion6720my mom didn't believe me either! She literally called me 6 years into my marriage to tell me she finally believed I was being abused because a psychic told her I was being abused badly. What???? She didn't even apologize, it was like "oh guess what, I believe you now." WHAT?!? (She's a narc too)
I’ve been through that fire come out on the other side and reclaimed my empathy and peace.
Yes this resonated with me. They love to make people appear off balance and out of control.
especially before a party. I find he does and says small things that are designed to push me either into not going , or being on edge. Either works for him,because both make me look anti social. He them comes back later with tales of great things I missed, and how much everyone was impressed, or how horrified everyone was at what I did/did not do. So tiring I stopped going out, but now I've realized that that is not helping me break free.
Wow this one triggered me a lot. To see it played out. Tears in my eyes. They always made me feel like I'm the crazy one. They became so calm indeed and sometimes then 'the smirk' came, the devil's smile.
@@jbrown2908 yes indeed! So evil
also the twisting your words into crazy statements and calmly telling you you said or did things you did not.
This is how my abusive spouse acted. He pushed me to a breakdown the took videos of me. Then would say if I tried to get help he’d show them the videos of me and have me arrested for abuse. I can’t explain how terrifying that is. Thinking you are literally trapped and almost held hostage in a relationship with this evil narcissist.
I'm so sorry you're going through that. I'm experiencing that too. Thank goodness for Danish bringing us all together so that we can support each other. I keep thinking I can respond calmly to the narcissist but I end up fighting back verbally, in kind (something I've never done with anyone else) thinking that would stop him. It doesn't. He just laughs. I've decided to start thinking of him as a cartoon monster and remain calm no matter what he does. Then I get in my car and take a drive and yell out what I would like to say to him that no one can hear. I significantly limit interaction. It is impossible to go no contact for a number of reasons legally... I'm working I'm boring him to tears so he chooses to leave me alone. I found that's the best way to get rid of a narcissist-let them think they chose to go :)
@ArtemisBeneGesserit ignore them. It works! Act as if they are a ghost.
ignoring them makes them pursue you by being nice for a few days until they have your energy back, then resume the abuse again
After a while i stopped defending myself (he would have me arrested by lying.. I lost it once and cut chunks of my hair out, of course he pulled out his phone, promising to put it on UA-cam. To anyone going thru this now..
You have the strength to leave, it took me 14yrs... Dont be me! ❤
❤
I did the same. Left pieces of my hair everywhere and he took pictures. It was a breakdown, but we are hurting ourselves and never hurt anyone else. We are not abusers.
Yup. My abuser threatened to get people to take me to a Psych ward because I was pushed to screaming and collapsing on the floor in pure terror. Then labeled 'crazy' by the abuser
I'm so sorry 🫂😭 Same happened with my parents
My narc mom threatened the same. F sickos
@@user-ru9ig5we7o My mother caused me brain atrophy with those pills and she wants me to take them still. How am I supposed to remain calm with these psychopaths?
This is a very important point to demonstrate, as in the video clip that reactive abuse is more proof of a narcissist's evil actions towards you. 😢 There is NO GOOD to come from a narcissistic relationship, no matter how much GOOD you put into it. 🤨😩❤️🩹
@norcal1009 Nicely said.
@@KatWoodland thank you. Peace and ❤️ to you.
I just found you and I am so grateful, I am actually in the process of packing and leaving after 30 years of this insanity, and I am leaving. He finally told me he wants something different, so when I agreed to leave, he thought I was bluffing, but NO! I am so done with it, over done! He is in extreme NPD MODE in every sense of it. This is a serious battle, he is trying to break me, but it's not working this time. I have been watching you all week and it's been an absolute blessing! Thank you for helping heal my mind and soul, no more can he crush me.
I am so happy for you! It is the beginning of the rest of your life, and it is so beautiful without the abusers.I left when I was 55. I love Danish but I also listen to The Little Shaman and Dr. Ramani. They really helped me during my divorce. I wish you every happiness.
@denisedevoto5703 thank you, I too have listened to Dr. Ramani.
You can do this. Be safe and never look back. Rememeber EVERYTHING he says is a lie
@peachesandpoets oh my goodness yes. He has now started the whole telling people I'm abandoning him thing. 🙄
Sounds like you may benefit from the services of both police if there was any physical violence involved too and a paralegal professional who could help you make decisions. Authoritarian minded people tend to stick together when the stakes are high in order to maintain their delusions and illusions of superiorty and over develped sense of entitlement.
I hope people learn from your videos. Don't let abuse change who you are. Run!
This may be one of the most important things survivors need to hear. Many of them likely have moments they can recall (both because they are capable of shame and also because the narcissist would hold it over them as much as possible) where they blew up at the narcissist and it backfired on them later, trapping them then in the cycle of abuse further. This recognition is incredibly valuable thank you very much!
It's so important. Many of us (myself included) carry immense shame like a coat every day because they convinced us we were monsters. I replay those few moments that I mildly returned his treatment endlessly, asking myself how I could have done that, I've been convinced I was the narc/abuser for 15 years even though he gave me brain damage!! Thank God for people like Danish. When you hear for so long that you're the problem, it's amazing what a (slow) relief it is to start to see through the fog.
I blew up at mine so many times.. Looking back now.. I can see how sometimes he was just enjoying it. He used many head games to lead me to nervous breakdowns etc he is one sick sociopath/pschopath
The more we remain silent , the more the narc thinks and makes us believe we don't care... They think they are the one that care , giving us money, giving us time, and we are not greatful of it, sometimes it seems very confusing, like am i using them for their resources, sometimes it is very difficult to seperate the wrong and right, do i deserve to experience love, respect or commitment, somedays these questions control me..
Many times over the years I reacted in the same way shown in the video, not understanding the reason and feeling guilty later. But you sir, made it perfectly clear and now I realize all the wasted years. But better late than never. Thank you for everything you do..
Yes... I reach my limit and let off steam and I am labeled by the narcissist as the scary person that is unstable and abusive.
15 years ago my ex-husband put me throught this. All those years I have felt shame about my violent behavior back then. Thank you so much about the video! Now I don't feel so lonely anymore after knowing, many other people are also gone throught this.
Danish i cant thank you enough for this insight. It literally frees the portion of trauma on my head by the frank description that you suffered because my experience was so similar except he tried to literally kill me. That was the end of the end and i ran away. Its such a horrible horrible thing to experience your whole world has just gone. Some considerable time has passed but its a recovery road that is full of sharp bolders. Thank you Danish thank you.
Thank you, Danish, for covering this issue of reactive abuse.
It brought back some painful memories, especially as I did not know then that I was autistic, and my reactions to their attitude were particularly awful, as they seemed to enjoy watching me have meltdowns from their gaslighting, shouting, hitting, name-calling, cursing, and accusing me of the very things they were doing and saying.
They did the same to my dad, and when he reacted to her screaming banshee impressions, my narc mum rang the mental hospital to take him away! He was happier in the mental hospital than at home, but the doctors weren't convinced by my mum's account of what happened, and he was soon back home with support on hand.
But my narc mother and grandmother just carried on with their shenanigans regardless.
I've poured hot rice on their heads, stuck my foot out to trip them up, pushed them against sharp corners when they were physically abusing me, smashed my fist into a table, and pulled the telephone wire out of the socket when they wanted their flying monkeys to rescue them - the list goes on.
I'm not proud of it. It isn't me. In fact, writing about it isn't easy.
However, there comes a time when matters go beyond the pale and BANG! It's the mother of all meltdowns, I'd end up being the one to apologize, and for the next few days at school and/or at work, I'd have a bruise or swollen eyes from crying.
And, yes, the narcs would be calm and sane, just as you said, and they would be standing on their moral high ground (made of sand).
Once, they called the police on me ... but the police reprimanded them, which surprised me. The toxic atmosphere changed for the first time in my life, and they shrank into their armchairs, not looking in my direction once. They lived to be narcs for another day, though, with the total lack of self-awareness that made them oblivious.
I really like how you show examples instead of just using vague psychological language.
I discovered my narc was cheating after years of devaluation. When I confronted him with the evidence he smirked at me. I lost it by crying and shouting at him. His response? He picked up his phone and recorded my pain. He was so happy because he now had evidence I was the "crazy one".
Thank you for this defence of the innocence of a child's reaction to an unsafe environment.
Made it much more clear how narcissists deactivate the naturally biological fight response into the fawn and make you internalize that you are weak and powerless. Especially covert/vulnerable ones, who make this so twisted and subtly 🙄.
So demonic
I'm so sorry you had a father that hit you. I feel especially sorry for kids with parents like this because they didn't choose to invite this person into their life. It's much easier to walk away from a friend or lover, but when a parent is the offender it's especially sad. So bravo to you.
Excellent. Excellent topic. That's how I lived through my childhood. Scary as hell.
Thank Danish
My last night with her, I decided to take a stand. I had broken. I had given so much and she even pretended I hadn't and said I had given nothing. She laughed as I cursed her. She said, "wait, wait, let me get my camera. " She enjoyed it. I will never be able to get that out of my head.
💔😞
Thank you Danish for This extremely inmportant and supportive video. Narcisists torture other people and they drive you to the point of despair and losing it which is a natural human defensive reaction to a predator. We did what we had to do to protect ourselves. Thank you❤
“a natural human defense mechanism against a predator” EXACTLY
Meant to say “reaction”
Thnks bro, very few understand the pain we go through.
My ex would secretly record me whilst sitting there calmly .. she would hit all my triggers knowing the reaction she would get .. and then blame me for me reactions .. she also told me very early on “ no matter what I do , don’t react “.
I had no idea what abuse was , no idea what manipulative behaviour was , no idea what narcissistic abuse was … I do now !!!
But it broke me finding outv
The other night, I lost it after my narcissist sister pushed and pushed me. She called our narcissist mother during my outrage. She was calmly talking as if she had no idea what happened to me. She allowed our mother to listen over speaker. My mother was in agreement that I'm crazy. I was actually standing up for myself.
It became so bad in my home a counseling team asked if they could record a family counseling session. My ex lied and lied and had triangulated the children. I couldn’t take it because i knew all of it was false. I busted out in tears and ran away. Not in embarrassment, but because I didn’t have a voice. Nothing I said was believed. It was in the worst time (end realization) of my marriage. It took these outbreaks for me to wake up, leave my ex and begin healing. I’ve not been mentally unstable since I left and went no contact with my ex. I don’t allow it in my life anymore….I can see the red flags now, but that’s 8 years later and I’m still learning.
Danish you have spot on pin pointed my life. This is the very very true reality of my life. Still living with this narcissist yet. 😢😢😭
I learned to stuff it inside, not a healthy choice. Then I learned to immediately push back in a calm, strong stance, unintimidated, unafraid, and unamused by their rant and threats. I reminded myself, "not my anger; not my issues." I boldly interrupted them and then walked away. It was that moment of shock in them that gave me the upper hand. But of course, they then started an international smear campaign with anyone who might volunteer to become their flying monkey. I felt secure about myself by speaking and leaving. They often fly out from under the carpet and the element of surprise is one of their favorite tactics that disarms my composure. It is a journey!
I am learning so much from your UA-cam channel! So logical and reasonable. It helps one to take a breath and think reasonably. Then react reasonably.
He tried to get me to hit him back many times… but I knew that would just be an excuse for him to really lay in and hurt me more to the point I knew it was a matter of life and death that I didn’t react directly to him. But it still resulted in me being crazy and screaming and crying. My heart breaks for the woman in the video… that cry is the one that comes from your soul gasping to live. The mental and emotional pain was so intense it blew my brain and my heart to smithereens. He sucked my soul away to hell. Its been three years and I’m just beginning to feel like I am me again.
Thank you. What I learned from relationships with narcs is if I react to a person in a way that isn't in line with who I want to be, that is a massive red flag. If I'm sure that it's not my problem (impatient, irritable, bad mood, unappreciative, etc.), then I need to end the relationship then and there, ideally before I react. Leave instead of react.
Good point.
Yup, my ex used to rile me up, poke at me, make me cry and as soon as I would get lash out, he'd put that phone in my face and record my pain. He would change his tone, laugh and say, "see! She's a lunatic! Look how she's being!" I lost hair from that relationship. Sad!
Tysm For Existing.....May Almighty Bless You Always Danish Sir
That video clip really hit me hard. I have been there in the woman's position. And afterwards I would simply hate myself for reacting like that and won't be able to stop thinking how I got there. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.
Watching that clip brought back the trauma I buried deep down and made me really anxious.
I cried. I never wanted to act like that. My daughter only saw me, never heard the things that her mother would say, and now she refuses to talk to me. That's the worst part about it all.
It's so energy draining leaves you with a lot of anxiety,feeling like you can catch depression. It's sooooo exhausting. Oh God, help me.
This is such needed information!! Thanks so much!
I ended up in the same situation you become a person you don’t like in those kind of relationship 😢 you as a person will definitely have remorse feel guilty sad they won’t feel anything they stay calm as they provoke you with their evil words until they break you thank you Dr Danish it’s really help a lot of people seeing clearly 🙏🏽🙏🏽
Danish dear you are doing a great job helped me alot i was tangled with these thoughts of guilt and self blame since years you answerd all my quires
I can completly relate to this as I did the same with a Parent, as I had reached my limit, I let them have it., thank you for sharing your story Danish, as we all know they have a way of constantly pushing our buttons, and then expect us to not react, and are surprised when we do, these people are scum of the earth, they should come with a warning.😏🚩🏃♀️
6:10 I tried to inform my mom abt the contents of ur video posted yesterday bc ive started having panic attacks the past year, and after denying everything, she told me that I'm the narcissist (typical lol).
I wanted to respond that, no, my reaction was justified.. like, a righteous/Godly anger at wrongdoing. But i didnt say that, bc i knew she would just think/take that as further 'evidence' that * I'm* the delusional grandiose narcissist.
So you calling it similarly here as a "sacred rage" really resonated and validated exactly what i felt/thought and wanted to say yesterday. Your videos lately have been really aligned to my daily life.. including finding out that narcissists always instantly get sleepy/so irritated when it's your turn to talk.. and remembering so many ppl from my past (family/relatives/strangers) who did this to me lol. When it's their turn to talk again, they amazingly suddenly wake up and come alive again lol. Very bizarre.
Oh no! NEVER let the narcissist know you know!
Yes, I've been through this kind of turning me from the victim to the problem creator after such an attack.
They love it when you fight back, gives them ammo to say "see I told you he/she was crazy!"
Reacting to narc abuse results in two primary feelings in the victim: infuriating rage followed by deep anguish. I rarely use the word anguish, but it seems to most clearly describe the mix of deep shame and sadness we experience when we react in ways that shock and disturb us, reactions that would be unfathomable under normal circumstances. And because our reactive anger does not reflect who we truly are, we feel great shame and sadness when we unleash it. Your father got on your last and final nerve that day, Danish, and you lashed out the only way you could to settle the score with him and for self-preservation. You then spent the next 8 or so years of your life healing from that and all the other collective injuries he mercilessly imposed on you. As we each have our stories of reactive abuse to live with, we thank you so much for presenting this topic so cogently to know that we are indeed normal and not alone. 😔
Major reactive abuse. I was a victim of this all my life. Esp by my ex husband. He used to smile when I got provoked.The joke came when I finally woke up and started ignoring and staying calm. Then HE Started acting crazy
Thank you 🙏
Omg I thought that was just me! But that’s my covert Narc husband’s thing. He’s always pushing me until I’m about to destroy everything. He literally drives me up the wall and he plays games like pretending not to understand me, or deliberately contradicts things I know to be true. Now you’ve opened my eyes. Im going to be a grey stone from now on!!
I remember screaming at my ex once . We were having a big argument. And then I remember going silent and withdrawing into myself . And I remember this happening before. So I could see it more and sense the feeling a lot more. This was the trigger warning I needed to end the relationship after only 4 months of coming back together
This is so validating. My ex knew how to push every button and most of the time I would just take it, then every so often I'd snap and then he'd play the victim. Always the victim. So glad to know it wasn't me.
I am beyond elated that I have found your channel. I’ve been in a slump lately after accepting, after a year, being dropped by a covert narcissist that i experienced deep codependency with. My healing journey is still in progress and your videos that are helping to remind me I did not deserve the treatment I received. Everything that you are saying is freaking on point. This makes me both happy and sad to realized what I was experiencing and still flashback to was a true story.
I have been feeling like I deserved the 5 year treatment I allowed in my life and the eventual being discarded.
Those words... Give me "SUKOON" ... I am always afraid of whether I'm being like him??.... Though i never reached to that point yet.... But as you pointed... he is always calm... Which make me more furious
Oh, that is SO right!! When thinking back of all the years of verbal abuse, it's sad. I'm still here because he's been smart and cunning and has spent all the money so there's none for me to leave, BUT, after all this time, I don't want to. I'll stay and watch him suffer the consequences of all his decisions. I would never be his friend again. I avoid him. He lives in his own miserable world. Closing in on his seventies, he has no real friends because I doubt most narcissists know how to BE a friend. They MUST control. Not controlling ME any more. No way. Thanks Danish for your super good videos. Sorry for your pain too!! Only someone who has been through the same thing can understand and you certainly do!! I've definitely reacted years ago like a complete unhinged nutcase, but he's paying now for all the crap he's put me through.
Frankly if u wanna really destroy a narcissist? Just go silent. That's what I did in court. He was hurling all these vulgarities at me and I didn't react. Kept a calm smile on my face. And thinking in my heart..."that's karma for you d head". He eventually lost his cool and people saw him for who he really was. Trust me it's a proven method. Ignore ignore ignore 😊
What was he mad at? Something you had done? Hmmm... you tell this story like HE was reacting to your shit.
I will sooo rember that!
Thank you so much for your clarity and honesty.
Thank you Danish for taking your talks to a deeper and more complex level. You are 100% accurate in your insights. Sorry you had to experiemce abuse from your father and mother. I did too and and some so-called "spirtiual leaders." But you are the 'wounded-healer" for many people. I am not sure there is a cure for a narcissist so they just move on to greener pastures. i.e find a new bartender to get a drink. As you have said before: "evil is knowing fully what you are doing and you keep doing it anyway" As you know Asian religions and Hindu religions and Chrisitanity and Islam can teach a "turn the other cheek" and 'love your enemy" doctrine which can make you a push-over. Jesus did cleanse the Temple with a sacred rage to stop the abuse of power and protect people (thankfully). He taught that the abuse of power is the greatest sin. I have learned so much from your talks. Thank you for your labor of love to help people.
Jai Jehovah, alleluia
My mom just said something like that to me the other day. She told me I’m not spiritually right because I want to move away from my narcissistic father, and go to a different state. She’s the enabler from what I’ve seen, and she expects me to just put up with what my dad does. But what’s funny is that he always gives me the worst of it whenever she’s not around. I hate it when religion is used against me to tell me I’m unholy and not “Godly enough.” I’m not even a part of her religion, but her using her religious views to put down and de-legitimize my pain really makes me feel like shit.
Yes this is what they do
They are nothing but creatures
I find that your videos explain the actions and feelings of the victims of narcissistic abuse much better than many of the other youtube channels out there because although they mean well, they do make you think at the back of your mind that you are deluding yourself by denying that there are times you have been abusive. (I hope that makes sense...) I have been in groups of people online where there have been abusers in the group that have been very good at making others think that they are victims when they have been heavily abusive towards others in the group. They have a way of making you mirror their behaviour and twisting your reactions to it. Sometimes it was so bad that I couldn't tell who was the abuser and victim - physically, it was mild compared to physical narcissistic abuse that happens in RL, but the mental impact is still bad.
Reactive abuse can also come from 'friends' or 'friend group'. After all these years i finally found the term used for it. They push exactly the right buttons to set you off, then you lash out and they remain silent. It always ends up looking like you're the one with the problem. Thank you for this video.🙏🏼
Honestly, going to have to watch this one twice because i could feel myself disassociating at points and tuning out stimuli. Probably says something but what? Lol.
Good luck to everyone else in their healing journey.
When you fight they win if you reaction comes to fighting back take it as a lesson and learn from it
And it’s so much worse in my particular situation with a malignant narcissist, because there are no ends to what he will go to to hurt you, and he’s stage is it up so perfectly it’s insane and then he’ll sit and laugh the sadistic smile and laugh and continue to say horrid cruel things after doing these horrible things to me and other people around me don’t know what’s going on they think it’s me And im just in pain. Like for example I have so many if I get to go anywhere with him he’s already calculating Lee and strategically got a plan and will be sitting in front of a whole group of people and he’ll start saying things that he did to me, but he saying that I did to him in front of all these people that don’t have a clue and don’t know us.TBC..
Ty I needed this confirmation ❤
Danish, sincerely thank you for this video. You have just articulated my daily battles with my mother. She would bait me to react, and then the question is all about my slight increase in voice instead of the things she said or did, which are 100% wrong. But she never could be wrong, she never hurt another person, she is the most peaceful and vulnareable person there is. This is what my mother thinks of her, while she's abusing me on a daily. I now came to the understanding that the escapism I was looking for in my life was due to my mother's behavior.
But I can't leave, she is 82, I'm 32, we are alone from when I was the age of 9 when my father died in front of my eyes. Regardless of how aware I'm of her abuse, I just cant leave her alone. That would just stick in my mind for the rest of my life and affect me negatively.
My mother is the most extreme case of covert narcissism, lying about being sick, feeling bad, faking feelings, thinking that everyone is talking about her and gossiping her, wanting me to stay home 24/7 and not having single ounce of care for my own personal life. And she is a Jehovah Witness, luckily I had a brain at the age of 13 and left that place. I'm also illegaly adopted (don't know anything about me really) and she never told me that, I found out on my own. But yeah, can't really leave.
Your content is amazing Danish, your way of articulation is the best there is on YT regarding the questions of narcissism.
So very true Mr. Bashir. I like the quote "context always matters"
Oh my God. Tears are in my eyes. Thank you for helping the people who have gone through this type of trauma. The tragic part is that nobody even the closest one can understand the trauma through which a person is going through. Your vedios are helping so many people 🙏💕
Get out of an abusive situation no matter who they are ASAP and do not look back.You learn so much more when you get out and clear your head.The inner work makes you wise to pick up quickly abusive situations and manipulation.Takes years to heal.😢😢🙏💕👏👏
I agree. I’ve lost myself and I know anyone will say I am crazy. I know he sucked the life out of me. My soul is lost.
I just go through your videos few days back by chance Danish and happy for you that you understand the problem more than 💯% with so much inteligence and helping so many people in the world........ Always pray for ur wellbeing 🙏
I so appreciate all your insight and guidance on narcissism and the effects this abuse has on us who are their targets. This content and to understand has genuinely liberated me from soo much trauma, and as I continue to learn, it truly helps me find my strength and heal from a horrific recently ended narcissistic relationship in my life. Thank you for your work ❤ and thank you for your vulnerability and sharing your own personal experience 💕 I didn't know the term reactive abuse until recently, and to be able to have you share and talk about it and to be able to identify why this pushed me to react so out of my normal character after being put through so soooo much trauma and abuse from my ex and baited and discarded repeatedly so cold and harshly, helped me forgive myself for the anger it envoked and wortk to let it go 🤗
Thank you Danish for sharing your experience and thank you for moving forward and helping the rest of us. God Bless!❤🙏
I remember vividly when she attacked me physically the last time. I was done with it and called the police. In my shock I stood there bleeding and talking to police about the situation. Even then I tried to protect her from the consequence of her actions. The police took it upon themselves to remove her in cuffs.
While I was sleeping in a chair against the front door for a week little did I know that she was hunting dating apps.
She knew what I was watching when it comes to narcissism and labeled her reactions as reactive abuse. It was used against me to get me comfortable with her return.
Be careful with what you share is what I am saying. Even the arrest gave her a platform to stand on and paint me the abuser as she continued on with the self destructive lifestyle she coveted.
They're devious creeps, always looking for information. Lunatics can't hide, they always get exposed. They make my skin crawl 😩 🤢
“ the silent scream that came to the surface” Wow that hit me hard 😢 Only my therapist understands. My narc has made most around me think I’m mentally ill
These videos have been extremely reassuring as someone who struggles with a lot of self-doubt. I have two divorced narc parents and whenever I would finally lash out at one of them the whole situation was flipped on me and I was labeled a monster. Thankful I also had healthy relationships as a kid that I could use for reference but it didn't fully get rid of the voice telling me I was to blame. Still working on it to this day and I couldn't have found a better channel to help me heal! Thanks again!
I can’t thank you enough Danish for covering this topic, and covering it so well. I have currently been battling to get away from my narcissistic ex bf for over 2 weeks now and have said to him that he brings out the worst qualifies in me. But I also have experienced exactly what you talked about before when I tried to leave him…and he hospitalized me for “attacking him” and I’m unable to continue my job in healthcare bc of my injuries.
Reactive abuse quite literally has costed me my life. I live in constant pain, I’ve isolated myself in my home and am no longer the happy person I used to be.
This video has given me the validation I knew I had inside, that I didn’t deserve any of this and I am not a bad person. Thank you so much 🙏🏼
Oh my gosh, my heart hurt for this young lady. I remember being her so many times with my ex husband. He had me convinced that I was the one abusing him and he held it over my head so that I had to work so hard to get back in his good graces. I thank God for waking me up and getting me the heck up out of there. Tha k u for this video. Your videos are so helpful😊
Thank you. This one made me cry because I thought I was the bad person. I was pushed to the point of self-destruction; luckily, I got out in time and is now repairing my life.
I want the bullying & accusations to STOP.. especially when having been through this abuse for so long.. now I react to push people away so they can't hurt me again.. which makes me look bad, but they won't stop playing insideous mind games.. listening to lies & then believing them.. being bullied for over 20 years is so sick when it rises to the surface.. yet, I'm told to go to therapy to talk, but if I talk, I am disloyal & a snitch or a rat..
I'm so very confused.. no one is here to even understand or comprehend, community stalking is vile & only makes it worse.. my health, hygiene & mental health & fatigue make it so hard to get back to any form of normality.. i feel like a Jew in a concentration camp with Hitlers everywhere around me to distort & call me a liar or aggressive when thats not my natural way of being & accuse me of things I've never done to improve their own 'public image'.. im in shell shock only just now realising the disgusting damage caused by people who like the one who looks like they care & clean & warm but quite a different story through history & one that no one will believe because i look so bad now.. when it's the opposite behind closed doors, even from those who are supposed to care, who actually dont.. so now I react to say stop ✋️ but it comes out worse, I literally can't cope with any more pain.. just want to be alone so no one can hurt me or visa versa, with words & body language, I mean.. or metaphorical talk.. feeling so betrayed, it's so hard to comprehend..
Thank you for this video, I didn't know this was actually a thing and that i didn't have any control over my reactions to the horrific torment i let him put me through. He'd threaten to call the police to have me arrested many times. And he has gone through with it. Its so cruel to see someone who acts like a loving and caring partner one moment, then as soon as they don't like what I said they turn. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I wish Police could have a better understanding the role that narcissistic abuse can play in domestic violence. Narcs like to use the threat of police over their victim to control them, and they fell for his lies until they confiscated his phone and saw the whole truth thank goodness.
This is one of the most important and validating videos I have ever seen!!! These bastards are fv*King demons!!!
my ex husband was like this. i became crazy with him and he walked away looking like the calm one. i've never since acted as crazy as i was with him. i was gaslighted into believing i was the insane one but thanks to therapy and videos like these i've come to understand why i reacted that way. thank you so much
I believe that I have been in exactly the situation you describe. After years of the typical verbal and emotional treatment every Narcissist puts people through, I on more than one occasion made threats, screaming that they had no idea what I was capable of. This has been thrown back at me today, saying that I am threatening and make them feel afraid. Every time any of these “conversations” occur, they place them self between me and the only exit from the room and have escalated the behavior to the point I have threatened even self-harm to get them to stop. I am in a 12 step program for what is called Intimacy Anorexia for the behavior of withholding emotionally from my spouse. One of the tenants of the program (that I am constantly reminded of) is I cannot defend or explain my behaviors. I have been physically threatened and physically abused, without defending myself. I stay because, from my family history, I know these behaviors will be turned on the children next.
Your channel is the best channel for us victims of narcissists. Every attorney judge and police officer should watch your channel and stop retraumatizing victims. I wish the self defense wasn't titled reactive abuse; it should be titled self defense.
it happens to me everytime..
Even a small mistake will bring me to "hell"..
He gets angry so fast, shouting at me,belittling me, calling me names that you couldnt imagine an intimate partner of yours will say to you..
I cannot just go silent when he is angry, he keep on saying words that will hurt and triggers me, and when I answer him angrily he will say to me
"watch your tone"
"Are you in the right poaition to do that?"
"You made a mistake, bow your head accept that you did something wrong! Wait till I stop!"
"All of this wont happen if your not making mistakes!"
He plays facts to justify why he's hurting me"..
He can easily twist what im saying to make my words againts me..
He says bad things to me both place an people where I live he use to say "where I belong"..
He says hurtful words to me as if he dont know what I feel..😢
Im in a position where I ask myself "should I stay or should I go?"
Im 31 now, a mom of 2.. Jobless,and broke.. I am a codependent to him..
He's destroying me,but I want to keep a whole family..
I am sacrificing myself to make sure that my kids can survive..
Im almost 6years in this kind of push and pull situation..😢😢😢
I am codependent to him..😢😢
I know it’s really really painful I send you all my support and a lot of courage ❤️❤️🙏🏽
@@sophiasweet7351 😔❤
Danish, you have saved me. I have attracted men with control issues since I was a young woman and won't bore anybody with the details, except to say that, with the help of an insightful acquaintance, I began to think about the sort of men who "choose" me, and why. I looked for more information, found your channel and have learned so much. I believed forgiveness was a virtue but now I understand it can be an invitation to more abuse. I suffered the depression you have spoken about. I have heard the lies and seen the black, soulless eyes when my abuser showed his anger. Thank you. I am sorry you have suffered abuse yourself but we are very fortunate that you have decided to share your experience and expertise with those who can benefit from both.
Yes, exactly the same I am feeling,.now I get relieved. Thank you, thank you very much dear Danish for the light you have given through this video ❤
Very true. Just happened to me online. Suddenly, I was the crazy one on drugs though I don't even drink alcohol, and the toxic one for defending myself with a provocative song quote. Thank you for the educating!
Omg that is hard to watch for me 😢 Im much stronger now, but 15 years ago I could also lose it, it feels sooo powerless 😔
OMG, thank you for this, was my life for 27 yrs. Then last 2 yrs, my health, physical/mental so bad I couldn't react at all I was so sick & exhausted....then I saw the truth of HIS craziness, then within 4 mo now I'm divorced & gone...I'm so done...done with trauma...ugh
This is by far one of the best explanations of reactive abuse I have heard. I think I need to listen to this regularly to really let it sink in and remind myself that I'm not crazy.. Saving this one❤
Thank you for this video. It helped me a lot. I was blaming myself for reactive abuse done by me. But still I don't want to react to her abuse.
Thank you for that! It has been very hard, and that has helped me in this healing journey. I gave all I had to love my 4 kids and bring them up in love. Now they are having babies and weddings and leaving me out, but not their narcissistic dad. They have brought up the times I got upset with their dad-taught disrespect toward me - they were home schooled, and wouldn't get to work, or wouldn't help around the house, even though I was untreated for Lyme disease for 4 years, and was losing functions like writing, seeing, hearing...- instead of remembering the thousands of hours we had having fun and doing neat things.
Yes. I got mad sometimes. Like all moms do from time to time, normal mad. I'm letting them all loose. I've lived with cruelty for long enough.
God bless us all to bear up in these difficult times. 🙏🙏
Thank you so much!! I was feeling crazy and quilty for the things I did and said when my girlfriend (just a friend, I'm a woman) started talking about my kids in a mean way after I finally ended the friendship after yet another attack from her about my dog . I got a blur in my eyes and it got completely out of hand. She physically assaulted me, police and ambulance were involved. I only now really see how sick she is after all these years, but especially that I have to work hard with myself so that I never have to experience this again. This is not the first time in my life. Thank you for this insight, you have helped me a lot and I hope many others who see this video!! If I could I would give you a hug!
That short video clip was so upsetting for me to watch! My heart goes out to that woman! 🙏🏻💙
Yes, absolutely true, thanks.
Eventually I had to leave them, my own relatives and convent schoolfriends, and return to SA. I had 5 narcs surrounding me for 11 months. But I survived and am still standing. They were all predators. I was even married to one, well good riddence to them all. I won.
@@jbrown2908 thank you. 😊 ❤️