This was a vulnerable video for me, if I'm honest, it feels like it's more likely to trigger people. It could trigger some women for thinking that I was blaming them for not being attracted to nice guys (which certainly wasn't my intent) or it could trigger men who would say I'm blaming them and placing even more shame upon them when they are clearly trying to be accommodating and kind already (which I'm certainly not trying to do). So I guess all I'm saying is I hope my intent came through on the video. I just want to make the point that we shouldn't be dating in fear, we shouldn't be giving with a bunch of expectations, and we shouldn't be suppressing who we are out of fear of being rejected or abandoned, doesn't matter if you're a "nice guy" or a "good girl", you deserve someone who wants to see the real you =) But that starts with us accepting and loving the real us. Thanks again for watching!
dont worry bro, ur not completely wrong! one thing idk if u mentioned this or not probably very unrelated, but "insecure guys" are more scary to us then just not attractive. theres this unspoken rule between me and my other frnds, that if there is an insecure man, dont cross him! especially when he's wd his friends! idk if this comes into "nice guy", i believe it doesnt but more into insecurities. most women who have insecurties project onto themselves, wd most men I have seen (most: keyword), they project it onto others and obv being the physically weaker gender, thats terrifying! Ive seen true crime documentries, so.. its just dead terrifyin for us! so you should talk about that too if u havent already! Im sure it can help alot of people!
i understand your fear and thank you for sharing that part of yourself with us :] your point came across perfectly to me and i could honestly not agree more with everything you said in the video (coming from afab trans man, but.. yep, it's like you're inside my head at times 😂💜)
Had a friend who’s abusive girl was like “im gonna break up with you unless you make way more money” so he took a second job while she sat at home with the dog, and eventually she changed it to “im breaking up with you bc you always work and i never see you” Stay safe out there guys, theres NPD people everywhere
That right there should tell you all you should know about putting a woman on a pedestal and taking that sort of disrespect. He should have walked away as soon as she said that.
@@vatsalsompura8071notice how @preetsrivastava7970 didn’t reply to your comment? Shows she didn’t want to actually bring up a similar point for discussion, only wanted to change the subject so OP’s comment wouldn’t receive focus and attention. Manipulative behavior.
indeed, jimmy. rejection is scary. but losing years of your life emotionally and/or legally tied to someone that doesn't love/appreciate/see you is waaaaaaay more scary my love was a nice guy growing up, too. i'm so proud of him for knowing his worth *now* and i am honored to reinforce that worth for him. i am not the source of his self-worth, but instead a reflection of it. and he is the same for me. and receiving his love feels that much sweeter for it
I was used to rejection. Narc parents teach you that that it's normal people reject you so you have a Rejection on your forehead a looong time. Until you wake up know about narcissism. It wasa shock to me to read about that. Even so long ago for me I still fight myself out of a toxic situation after divorce. Nobody gets it. People don't understand mostly. I felt bad al out my whole life. Now I changed to value myself more. I wanted to please in the hope to get love. I got more hatred instead. Jimmy explains it scary good. 😊
This is a fantastic comment. You are not responsible for the other persons mental health and worth. Be the best person you can be, and your partner should be the same. Synergy, that whole “my other half” thing is bllsht. All the best :)
The irony of the first thing you said is…it’s not scarier. Not at all. In fact. Once I said “the good news of never being in a long term relationship in this regard is that I’ve never had a woman do some crazy drama BS.” And the first reply to that statement was “well that just means a woman never loved you or cared about you, so who cares.” The implication is that it is better to have been mistreated by a woman; than to have never had her at all. 🤔 It made me realize that people truly do over value being selected by a woman as more important than being single forever. I don’t agree with it, but the fact remains that people generally seem to be more afraid of being alone than being abused. 🤷🏾♂️🤔
@BASSFZz I agree, I see way too many people grasping at dead or abusive relationships, men and women, instead of just being alone or getting help, dealing with their own fears of rejectionnor insecurities. Everyone has to deal with some kind of rejection in life, it's not the end of the world, but neither is being single, it's very peaceful and way better than being with someone who is definitely not the right person ☺️
After i became single again after 12 years I realised I was a nice guy. I told myself that I'm just that kind, or i sacrifice my needs for my partner, children etc. Now i try to fill my own cup and it works like magic, I still have insecurities, I go back to old patterns. But for the first time Im actually putting my foot down, I've told girls that if they don't meet me halfway I'm out, and sticking to that. Telling family members what my boundaries are and withdrawing my attention if those are not respected. It's scary, but I'm finally getting to know myself. There are parts I don't love, I'm working on those, but hiding them, builds up pressure and that comes out sooner than later, so if I'm angry, sad, happy, whatever I'm just that instead of being this chameleon of sorts.
The word "Magic" through youtube and the internet over the past year has less to do with actual magic, but more about "Ronald Mcdonald House charities and card games like ""Magic" The Gathering" . Both instances are used to move people and thoughts around like a homeless population looking for extra welfare! Literally.
Speaking as a former "nice guy" with some pretty toxic associated behaviours, it was only painful and extensive self-reflection that finally brought me to the point of realising that I wasn't being honest, with myself or others.
Continue on your path of self-reflection brother. Lapses in judgement can often come when we least expect it. Do not give it the chance, and recognize what triggers that "nice guy" response. I'm happy for you that you've been able to come to a point of self-actualization. Keep it up, for it's always a journey and not a destination.
@@raymondc9513 Oh, I am, friend. My particular turning point was real acceptance that my behaviour was my own responsibility. I am much more aware of my own reactions now, and immeasurably better equipped to challenge my own thought processes and nip those old behaviours in the bud before they even get started. Still, work in progress. 😊
I've always been kind and the nice guy... It's never worked for me.. Always rejected, betrayed and hurt.. When I do actually stand up for myself, it's always looked as a joke and I'm not taken seriously.. I have a deep voice, so when I do speak up for myself, I get called emotional or asked why I am shouting... I genuinely just want the best for the people in my life and always put my own needs and wants last.. All I want is peace and to find a woman who will respect me, be loyal to me and love me...
Yeah that must suck. Some people have great training growing up, and others (like myself) find themselves in adulthood heavily unprepared and having to do a lot of work on themselves. It sucks, it really does. We can’t change our upbringing, but we are responsible for ourselves now as adults. Don’t give up standing up for yourself. Try using gentle words with firm boundaries, and speaking up before you get really annoyed. If people still take it as a joke when you stand up for yourself, they’re probably not your people and you have every right to move on. Stay strong. Your needs and wants matter. Your kindness to others is beautiful when you balance it with kindness to yourself as well ❤
I've learned anywhere that I'm not being respected, and treated bad, those kinds of people and places aren't for me. People that like and love you will do that without you asking or pleading with them .
It's so frustrating. I understand there's a balance, but even when I feel I have stricken the balance, I still get told I'm being too assertive or not enough. I suspect I'm far from alone in this among modern men. It feels difficult to find women who encourage and accept that balance, with patience and understanding when (like anything in this life) it's not perfect in whatever way.
Perfect timing on this topic. I've been mulling over the difference between nice and kind. I've been looking at my past behaviors and trying to decide how to be kind moving forward, and not self sacrificing niceness out of anxiety. Thanks for the in depth discussion here.
Anxiety and fear have to go. They are ridiculous notions and putting your worth at the hands of someone else’s validation. Totally agree, to get to this conclusion I had to go wayyy back and learn from all my mistakes :)
There is no difference. They are synonymously the same. All people are doing is rationalizing all the positive traits to kind and all the negative traits to nice. In 10 years, I guarantee you, this discussion will take place about all the "kind guys", and how there is a difference between them and a good guy.
@@EntertheFray1 it’s really more the understanding of how to respond to women’s emotional basis. Once you know how to do that, and not put a woman on a pedestal, you’re golden.
@@ElevateMyRelationships Well, I agree with not putting a woman on a pedestal, but not on understanding women's emotional basis. I think most nice guys problem is the gynocentric perspective by which they approach dating (which ties into why they put them on a pedestal). Gynocentric thinking is very difficult to avoid to fall into, because much of our current culture surrounds it. Not just dating, tons of things take on a gynocentric approach. You'll see it everywhere once you understand what it actually is. That's usually the reason men who don't fall into gynocentric thinking are attractive.
@@EntertheFray1 oh we are talking about the same thing. Weak men who are run over by their woman’s opinions and wants.. the whole “happy wife happy life” thing is complete dog sht.. great points man, totally agree
"You're not for everyone, and that's okay because you are the right person for someone and it's worth it to find that person. But you'll never be able to do that when you're always trying to make a relationship work that wasn't supposed to work" I know we all watched the same video, but I think I, and many others, need to hear this again. For so long I've been trying to chase after this person, thinking she'll like me now that I'm better, but she's still as disinterested and indifferent as before. I apologized for everything I did wrong, but nowhere did she say sorry for what she did wrong. It's not healthy to chase this person, or hoping to get back together because there is someone out there willing to actually work on that relationship with you, instead of them doing nothing while you do everything
True. It feels fake and feels insecure. Worst thing about 'nice' guys is they resent their 'sacrifices' that weren't even asked for and they turn bitter.
They expect reciprication and when it's not reciprocated they feel hurt and taken for granted so generally will (in my case) communicate intention and expectations because you can't just hold someones hand on a date without it being a big thing now so you get essentially one chance to reciprocate in a healthy way or i'm bailing. Been through enough one way relationships.
I think what they are doing is called “covert contracts “. It’s unspoken that you have to return the favour…that would make them manipulative. The “nice guy “ always makes me feel repulsion to them.
I agree with this but I have a counter point. Sometimes, people manipulate someone's desire to be kind and to "do the right thing" by coercing them into contracts themselves. It's easy to throw your hands in the air and say you never asked for somebody to do something, even though you already identified it as a problem that needed a solution or something similar. This can be common in workplaces where say, a manager will give a vague outline for an employee to earn a promotion just to bait them into taking on more work (like dangling a carrot on a stick), only to simply not acknowledge any of that extra hard work when it comes time to give a promotion or a raise. I've had bosses straight up lie to me about my job by telling me I needed to be doing extra work that wasn't in my "department", just to either take it for granted (that was your job to do anyways) or pretend they never asked me to do it in the first place. You have to have the wisdom to know when you're doing something for no reason, and when somebody is trying to convince you or lie to you about your responsibilities just to have you do more.
Jimmy, this was so eloquent and beautiful. And it applies to women, too. My only regret is that you weren't here 10 years ago. But as a single person, I learn from you every day. And often I send your videos to my sister, who's been married for 36 years. I'm not sure if you have a degree in psychology or if this all comes from your own person journey, but I thank you for sharing your wisdom in such a genuine and heartfelt way. 💝
@@raquelhulce9314True. We also have the femcels and the other types of women who are not that but promote the "men love bitches" mentality. But the truth is, men also just want a confident partner who doesen't fall into "cool girl" with no boundaries and compulsive people pleaser.
I resonate with this, I showed up this way for the majority of my life. A great read is ‘no more mr nice guy’. Helps to open your eyes to the paradigms adopted in childhood and cemented in adulthood. Change starts within, see the role you play in your own story and choose to take the lead
I think most women are attracted to men who are a blend of masculine and feminine energy, so to speak. Someone who takes initiative and takes the lead in many ways but is also in touch with their emotions and yours. Strong but also gentle. Balance. And that’s good for women too.
Exactly.. I notice women are super attracted to what the alpha bros call; feminine/gay; because they display emotional intelligence an genuine kindness.. and of course they they groom themselves properly and have good hygiene 🤷♀️
Getting in touch with my emotions was the best thing Ive ever done. Its a shame my own mother thought of me as weak for at one point willing to show that I needed help but was completely dismissed to man up. It near destroyed my first relationship not being able to be comfortable expressing my vulnerabilities.
I once asked a friend of mine who was a woman what women are looking for in a guy. She said something I remember to this day: "We're looking for a strong poet." Love that line.
Wow man this video changed my life. I started watching this as i was entering a relationship for the first time in 5 years and was overfilled with anxiety and different trauma responses that made me doubt whether I could do it or not. I eventually healed and started looking at this stuff healthily but after a month in we faced our first real complicated situation. It's crazy cuz this video couldn't have had a more perfect timing. Everything you said reflected perfectly into how I was unconsciously acting. And it also made her feel like we weren't equals. I hope I can implement this and make our relationship work cuz she's really awesome, but i understand myself better now and no longer need or want to force it to work. I'll be fine regardless, and I'll always love her cuz she it doesn't mean she isn't a good person. To have people with this level of maturity and wisdom and the ability to share it on the internet, I am truly blessed. Thanks man for changing the trajectory of my entire life.
Keep going man. It’s amazing when you see the other side. I had to go through so much disappointment with women to get me to wake up and learn what I was doing wrong. Now I just wanna give that back because it makes for better guys, better parents, better families and society. :)
You're absolutely right, Jimmy! However, after experiencing a narcissistic type personality for 40 years, I long for a kind, genuine, honest, authentic, supportive partner who is able to create an intimate relationship, someone who shows you they need you and is comfortable being vulnerable. Someone who prioritizes me and the relationship, a person who accepts me for who I am. I know i am a codependent and have worked on myself. It is a process and I'll always be working on it. Sadly, the "nice person/ guy" dows not get the respect he deserves. I don’t understand and will never understand it. But a kind , confident person who is authentic, and still able to set boundaries is rare and so refreshing when they come around. As you mentioned , it's imported to make sure we know what we want. We're always trying to make sure the other person likes us and not focus on what we like . Thank you so much. This hit home, and it's so true! ❤
It largely comes from men who had a traumatic childhood and, in my experience, were raised by a woman who kept saying a good man was a "nice guy" even though she was going out having sex with bad boy types. I wanted to be that good guy but was always punished for it/never got the girl. I have seen too many times women say they want a good man but reward total shitheads with sex. Men that so obviously are not good for them as a partner. It's very nuanced and takes a lot of honesty from every direction. Wish you all the best.
The problem is that "nice guys" are the yes-man type that are mostly agreeable and comply to anything and everything, even if they disagree they cannot be honest about themselves. This is an NPC behavior with a lack of own initiative and authenticity. Or, they can also be faking it thinking being nice they will get a way in, and when not they expose their true colors being offensive, neurotic jerks. In the other side, the abusive douches are those who believe they own other people and have things done their way, and comonly don't acknowledge or care for the other person's feelings or wellbeing because they are entitled POS's and think only of their own gain. They get to "win" things over because they take chances and risks, they don't really care about bad outcomes because they are unaffected by them and try with the next option. And women often accept them because they are deceived by their apparent "confidence" when in reality they don't care, and end up breaking everything. Instead, the key here is balance. It is totally okay to be nice and kind, but at the same time confident and strong in character enough as to not let others deceive, take advantage and step on you. A man of value with self regard knows where to put boundaries and to be respected, while at the same time they can be genuinely benevolent.
It explains things most guys don’t think about. I also learned a lot from reading a book called Flirtosphere Seduction by Vexoner. The book helped me understand women better and feel more confident. Combining tips from videos like this and the book really made a difference for me.
✋️ From a neurobilogical standpoint, limmerence has always been an issue. It's def could be a larger cultural reflection of the childhood home, that unfortunately many people come from traumatic homes, and many have never expereinced good love, nice people, and it feels subconsciously unfamiliar and ironically "not attracted to," just means "not familiar," subconsciously, neurologically speaking. The more both people practice awareness, sifting through the experiences, learn, and evolve, the more we will be attracted to whats right, aka healthy, for us. Great video!You are on point with the comment about Authenticity, at least for me personally 😂❤
I had this unhealthy crush on a guy (not a bad person, just as hurt) until l realize that him feeling like home, and being so familiar, wasn't a good thing since I (and him) came from rough childhoods. It's not acknowledged enough that a healthy family and childhood is a form of wealth some of us never experienced.
54 year female here. I have been watching your videos for a few years. First comment. This was amazingly insightful. All rings true. I am not out to manipulate men. Would love to point out that I also watched this from my own perspective of needing to make sure I am showing up as authentically as I can for myself and in relationship. This is a difficult needle to thread--the topics you raise here. Good job. Please keep going. My relationships are a journey. Glad to be on a journey of healing and discovery with you Jimmy. Spectacular work! Big hug. And thank you.
Jimmy. This was hard to watch and know you were talking directly to me! I will re-watch it many times because it’s so important. Thank you for probably the best guidance I’ve ever heard, as it relates to relationships
External validation is the key to many issues. I struggle with that since my childhood. I am working on fixing it right now, as it caused me many troubles.
To all guys out there struggling. If you see a woman being attracted to, or falling in love with a man that's indifferent and abusive to her or towards other people around him, it's a pretty good sign that said woman has grown up in a toxic/ abusive environment, so chaos and toxicity has become normal to her. It's got almost NOTHING to do with you being inadequate as a man.
It’s why they need to curb their silly victimhood over rejection and go bo of service to people snd communities - rather than feeling like a victim of rejection. They also enjoy exploiting off of the childhood traumas and ancestral traumas to keep women attached to them.
45 yr old woman- this is great! I was looking for a friend, but the way u speak - simply and freakin real and honest!!! Makes me think of my husband and I- I was the addict I know I could’ve door matter him… but I too have trauma and he stayed around long enough for me to work and heal myself- but I do feel this is sooooo true❤
This is such a great video- especially in light of your pinned comment explaining your intentions in creating this! I wish you could give a relationship class to all senior high school or college students! Brilliant!❤
Story of my 'old life' of 21yrs until I finally stood up for myself and in a fit of NPD rage, because she was losing control, stabbed me in the kitchen. That breakup was the best thing that happened to me as far as relationships go. I was 59 at the time. It's 7 yrs ago now & I'm still learning how NOT to be a nice guy but be a kind guy. Read Robert Glover's 'no more Mr.Nice guy. Changed my life. Great video Brother, thankyou.
12:46 right on point. My feelings was never considered. I was used by "friends" and family. Very true those people claimed they loved me but didn't show up. You hit it on the head. I changed and removed myself from all of them 7 years ago.
It's so nice to hear a guy explaining this to other guys. From a female perspective, "nice" (aka treating other people generally well) is a baseline. We all want a partner with a healthy sense of self who's more than just "nice." Someone who's kind but without expectations of repayment. Generous but with healthy boundaries. Someone with hobbies, interests, passions, goals, and opinions of their own that naturally align with ours, not something manufactured to be more liked. I hope that any guy looking for answers in this video hears your message, pursues internal peace, healthy boundaries, and confidence, and finds an honest and authentic relationship where they feel respected and valued.
@@okashi10 Here’s the etymology of “nice,” copied from AI response to search: Five hundred years ago, when nice was first used in English, it meant "foolish or stupid." This is not as surprising as it may seem, since it came through early French from the Latin nescius, meaning "ignorant." By the 16th century, the sense of being "very particular" or "finicky" had developed. In the 19th century, nice came to mean "pleasant or agreeable" and then "respectable," a sense quite unlike its original meaning. I have also seen “nice” meaning “cunning” or “crafty.”
Wow this just said it all. I am a "nice girl" but in reality, I feel okay when everyone in my life is taken care of. External. Stems from my cptsd and a toxic family system. I am working on it. I am staying single until I can be happy if I'm happy.
I have seen a couple of these "Don't be a nice guy" videos, and this is among the better ones that I have seen. You talk about the topic with a sort of holistic approach. Seems to me like you aren't out to discourge whoever might be a "nice guy" and make them feel bad about themselves. You actually deliver the issue or challenge and bring a solution to the table as well. You also talk about the true reasons for why to do the necessary healing while focusing on yourself and not just to become desierable for women. I just wanted to truly approve of how you adress this topic, thank you! Just for the record, I too have been the "nice guy" at a time in my life, and I don't believe I am anymore. I want to share a couple of my own viewpoints on the topic. First of all, and I think this is very important and it's very much directed at whoever regards themselves as a "nice guy". This is not something you are born with, it's not a personality trait, nor a diagnosis. This is simply a behaviour, which can be dropped and left on a day, or more realisticly a couple of weeks or months. I just wanted to be very clear on that, just like Jimmy saying you are not doomed in any way. Secondly, this is just a hunch from my own experience and it might not be relevant for everyone who finds themselves in these shoes. I believe there might be a connection between the behaviour of being a "nice guy" and the suppression of frustration, annoyance and anger within oneself. I know for a fact that it was true for myself. Like all people I experience frustration and anger at times, but there was a time when I did not fully accept it, I didn't let myself feel it, thus not giving it an opportunity to let go and leave my body. I just hid it within myself. Once I started adressing why I felt mad about something, and started allowing myself to feel frustrated and work through it, I eventually started standing up for myself and let my character eb and flow more freely, and eventually my own self worth started increasing, this leading me to no longer being a "nice guy" in the way we are talking about here. And, try not to be ashamed of it. It's really quite normal, and it's part of a even more normal path that we all walk; to learning self love. Everyone has to go through stuff like this, one way or another. Hope this can be liberating or of help in some way. :)
I agree. I suppose it kind of depends on what definitions we give words. But niceness is the lowest form of kindness in my book. Would it be nice if you gave a drug addict money for drugs when they came and asked you for money saying that it was for xyz? Probably. Would it be kind? Absolutely not. Being nice is telling and showing people what they want to hear and see, being kind is being authentic about who you are and what you believe is best.
Thank you for this❤ I’m a woman but I’ve always been the people pleaser afraid to ask for what I need.. I am on the journey to healing but this was a great video🥰
Jimmy, I love you man. You're doing such great work here. I've been a nice guy my whole life. Even though I've been super charismatic and magnetic with a dozen women falling hopelessly in love with me, always put others needs above mine with that need to be chosen and guess what my friend, your prophocies of common sense have been my fate. I kill the love every time. I just got through another messy break up where my niceness was the root cause of our problems. I am trying hard now to follow the light, be true to myself, set boundaries and focus on the journey instead of the destination. I have always believed in what you're saying because it's logical. Now I'm committed to living it. God bless you and all your loved ones Jimmy.
I was you when younger. Was very pretty and attractive to men, but regularly chastised because 'too nice'. I now understand that I was indeed naive and a pushover. I worked on my insecurities, hopefully not too late. I don't know if this is your case, too, I can suggest just be your authentic self (which is very difficult in our society) and be with people who truly appreciate you because they exist
@@SibyllaCumana Yes, I have been very insecure, I act nice and dont speak up about my red flags. Always betraying my values just for some short lived validation with a misguided hope that it wont really matter in the end. It always matters... Being your authentic self is the most difficult yet most important thing to do. I am absolutely blown away to say that because of the work I have been doing this past year to heal and prioriatize my authentic self, this is the happiest I have been in a decade and I am starting to become confident that I will stop making these mistakes. Sibylla, thank you for replying and God bless
100% man this was me when I was younger so many times; finally stopped being stubborn and thought, yeah I’m a great guy but something clearly wrong with my philosophy to keep having failed relationships. Dedicated myself to learning it all and now giving back :)
I wish more men had the insight, knowledge, integrity, and confidence to speak out against the “alpha male” mentality. That way of thinking is so juvenile and sad. It takes no strength to have that type of mindset. Thank you for this. I also want to add that guys who are unable or unwilling to speak up about their needs and set boundaries will inevitably build up so much resentment toward their partner that will cause the relationship to fall apart, usually leaving the other person wondering what in the world just happened. Even on our best days, we can’t read 100% of someone’s mind.
I hate all this Alpha Male crap. “You have to be strong, don't show weakness, don't cry, no feelings” - all that is just sad. Men who fall for it at a difficult time in their lives, for example when they're at the bottom and let themselves be talked into something, are very difficult to get out of it. I've experienced this myself with a friend. I, on the other hand, would also describe myself as a nice guy today, but in a slightly different way than described in the video. Thanks to my wonderful therapist, who showed me how I can show my feelings, how I can live out my feelings and how I can stand up for myself, which wasn't possible before due to destructive thought cycles and people in my life who felt like they were pulling all the strings - since I got out of that, I know what I want, where I want to go and what I expect from life. Since then, I've been preaching to everyone I hear about how bad they are and how good therapy has done me. I was incredibly lucky with my last therapy after many wrong ones. It was the right person who was able to teach me exactly the things I needed to become the person I always wanted to be, but never knew how I would get there as externally controlled as I was. Now I'm there, and the only way I could be happier is through a partnership.
@@christosius I'm glad you learned this! Feelings/emotions are normal and natural - for both men and women.. The dysfunctions begin when men are incorrectly told that emotions are for women... so men stuff their natural emotions. Then those emotions come out sideways in drunkenness, drug abuse, anger, gambling, fighting, depression, or other anti-social behaviors.
I think you forget left wingers exist haha, they are the alpha ones in reality (bc they use their brains and not brawn) and laugh at the hilbillies like “im so alpha that im scared of women and minorities”
It came through loud and clear. The title doesn’t do this one justice. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Who me? I’m not crying! lol thank you Jimmy.
Jimmy, I hope you read this because I truly appreciate the content you upload. I am a 54 year old dunce(not really,but I am 54)and all the subjects you talk about are exactly what I have experienced for 36 years,hence the dunce. I can't believe I have let it all go on so long but honestly I didn't know there was language for all this until a while ago. I thought it was all normal. I live with a man with a dismissive avoidant attachment style and thought it was all me. I see through your videos I am not crazy and my problems in many ways have related to being with someone who operates this way. 36 years of time has also created a monster in a way. I don't know if I have it in me to recover our relationship after all that has happened all these years,but thank you for giving language to my problems,validating them,giving solution and examples of healthy interactions. I also understand my partner better and can see through his eyes better. What you are doing is so valuable and I just wanted to let you know it has helped me feel stronger in my decisions around my relationship. I have never liked the blame game,and now have more tools to work with. Thank you! Corinne Rust Canada❤❤❤
Did you also got that thing in your throat, when Jimmy tells us about guys who think every woman is abusive and it's actually true many guys nowadays think all women are after wealth on guys and want to use them? Omg I love the fact Jimmy said this. I feel so heard by him. It's so painful many guys are bitter on women. Thanks for your story btw ❤
Thank you for this, I needed to hear this 10 years ago. Unfortunately, I was a "nice guy" right up until my wife of 18 years had enough and left. Over a year of therapy and counseling, I've started showing up as my genuine self and I can verify what you're saying here is scripture and exactly why our relationship fell apart. Time to do it over and do it right this time. 😊
Jimmy! You are so spot on here. Showing up assertively and authentically is so attractive. Nice guys have been trained up from childhood to be passive, so it’s a big thing to start becoming different, I know. It’s like a starting a race way behind. That’s why I have so much respect for the nice guys who have done the work to change, they deserve so much more credit than the guys who simply had a great family and it was easy for them 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Im super late to the convo. I'm so glad to hear someone else differentiate effectively between nice and kind. Really needed to work on having BOTH honest and kind opinions with people
I love how you give us the words to say - sometimes I need to practice this ahead of time, hear myself saying the words so I can utter them authentically in the actual moment without fear or angst.
My ex covert narc is a “nice guy narc” he pretends to be giving and caring so you are obligated to him for 1000 times anything he ever did for you. He’s a full blown pathological liar and psychopath under the mask. He used to say out loud I’m a great husband and stellar father, which could not be further from the truth.
I could be wrong, but I don’t think that’s really who we’re talking about here. It’s the other side of the coin from the narcissist. Both the nice guy and the narcissist are liars, but the nice guy is going to let you walk all over them and let you make everything their fault. The nice guy is the emasculated male who lets you get away with too much. The nice guy often attracts the narcissist because of this, because the nice guy thinks that they have no value, and the narcissist sees an infinite source of supply on demand. What you are describing seems to me at least to be a covert, narcissist, or somebody who has a cluster b personality
@@MrWinMrWin-qr2bn Once I was pregnant with our son, he refused to have a job, and used our child as a pawn for me to support him for the next 12 years. He was a cheater, gambler, liar and total fraud. The nice guy act was only there until I was trapped. The following 11 years was a nightmare.
As a guy who was the "nice guy" Jimmy is on point. Oftentimes many of these nice guys often confuse being kind with being complete doormats, we don't like being doormats but out of fear of being turned down and/or being alone we often put way more time and energy into someone who we're not even dating. And it drains you because you're only acting nice because deep down you have a selfish desire. One thing that I(and many other ex nice guys) have learned to do is to be myself and not fear being rejected. I don't have to agree with everything my crush says and I don't always have to be her yes man and spend all my time with her. A good woman will respect your boundaries and understands that you're human and that you have other priorities in life. Women value honesty and you can only be honest in front of others if you are honest with yourself. Taking time to reflect on what you value and what are your goals in life is a good start. Another thing is that you need to learn how to invest your time and effort into a relationship wisely. No point in wasting time and effort with someone who doesn't feel the same towards you. Granted Im still trying to get better but these are my two cents and any more advice would be great.
This is the second time I am watching this video I couldn’t watch it all the way, I didn’t hear the answers to me being afraid to be vulnerable good video bro !!!
Gave 18 years to a " nice " guy. A workaholic, emotionally unavailable, insecure guy. After we divorced he did something so out of character that I truly questioned who I was married to all those years. I learned so much from all of it. Thank you Jimmy for telling the truth about how a real, healthy relationship works.
@@Noname-u5h9e a guy who gives up a part of himself for the sake of his partner, often without the partner's consent and the guy is disappointed and or resentful of his partner for not reciprocating in the same intensity or manner. (ex: "I bought you some flowers, even though they cost $100. I did it because I love you! Oh... why don't you like them? You said you like this kind...") Often times it involves a lot of emotional manipulation, and 'score keeping', ways to "balance" the relationship or expectations by forcing them onto their partner, and possibly trying to highlight a lack of effort in return. There are more, but this is what I could think of immediately. It's underhanded and secretly sinister. I know this because I used to be one myself, until I lowered my expectations, did A LOT of self-healing, and managed my emotional and physical investments to a point where I was not over-extending past what I am willing to provide upfront.
@@sanjeevgig8918 I said I learned from it didn't I? Yes I chose him, every day, until we decided to part, as friends. That quickly ended due to his actions. I chose him and gave it my all. When I quit giving my all, it unraveled. I chose him at 36 years old. I am 64 now and would not choose someone like him ever again. Hence the " learned from it" part.
I never understood why men who treated me indifferently thought that that would make me like them. Why would I want to associate with a person who tells me that I am not as good as they are? Why would I like somebody whose behavior encourages me to think less of myself?
It's because they are grandiose and genuinely think they are God's gift to humanity and that everyone should grovel in their presence🙏common sense, right?😂
Most of these types think that women all have daddy issues and will chase a man that reminds them of their absent or aggressive father. They watch these podcasts where they invite only fans models who fit the stereotype so they can feel better about their lives. Truth be told it's all projection; they seek promiscuous and abusive women because that's close to what their mothers are or were and they never question their attraction to toxic women nor their attachment styles.
@@lillaprofessorn it also may be that many people are taught by their families that they are not good enough. They have been taught that only when the person who judges them finally offers approval will they be OK. When a person has been subjected to this tragic form of training, they go into the world thinking that they will not be good enough unless they can find a way to convince a judgmental person to love them, and then they attract people who judge them. The judgmental person treat them indifferently, or judgmentally, and this stimulates the poorly trained person to work harder to gain the judgmental person’s love. The grandiose person preys upon poorly trained person’s insecurities because they (the grandiose person) have insecurities of their own, which they project onto the persons whom they judge. And the judged person colludes with the grandiose person’s judgements of them. The poorly trained person has an advantage over the grandiose person, and that’s that the poorly trained person is willing to receive support. With support, the poorly trained person can learn to take a step back and witness the mechanics of their self-defeating behavior. They can see that their attempt at trying to “get” a judgmental person to love them is only playing into a vicious cycle. They can learn to recognize how they have colluded with the judgmental person in judging themselves. And they can begin to see that the judgmental person has found that “being the judge” offers them temporary relief for their insecurities. When a person sees these things, they can break the cycle. With support, empathy, and help, the poorly trained person can train themself into becoming a wise person. They can start to see the fruitlessness of their own behavior. They can begin to recognize that the world is filled with people who are sincerely trying to grow and learn, and they will begin to prefer to associate with them.
@@Kritikanbringer What do you mean by “respond well?” Do you mean, “By feigning indifference, I can get a woman to like me?” If you think that, I feel sad for you.
Thank you for this video, Jimmy. You’ve perfectly summarized what I’ve done wrong in the past and what I’m striving to do better in the future. I’ll come back to this video whenever I need reminding of where I want to be and who I want to be.
As a recovering nice guy, there's three versions of the nice guy/gal. Type 1 is fake nice, using it as manipulation to get something. Type 2 is an overgiver due to poor self esteem / fear of losing the other person. This is mostly what Jimmy was talking about. Type 3 is similar to Type 2 but the underlying reasons are different. Type 3 is someone whose overwhelming love language is Acts of Service, so they give a lot hoping to get Acts of Service in return, because that's their understanding of what love is. They don't understand that their partner feels and expresses love in other ways. I was Type 3 until recently. I knew my partner loved me but I was constantly being unintentionally wounded by her. Then I figured out that we weren't showing each other love the way we needed it. Jimmy taught me that I hurt us both by not knowing my needs and holding my boundaries. Now things really started turning around and we're both happier. This video is unlocking even more of dimensions to this and I'm so grateful for it.
Thanks for breaking out the types. I was surprised at the emphasis on this video when I am more used to Type 1 being the subject of dating and relationship blogs. The ones who expect a reward for being kind adults.
Yeah, I have had social anxiety for many years. I am 23, coming 24 very soon, and have gotten a lot better as I get older. I am naturally a kind guy who can't help it either just being myself. I am the type of person who likes looking out for people. When it comes to girls, I treat them with respect. I got ghosted many times. I got delayed responses many times. I take that rude tbh. They are wasting your time and don't let them make you feel needy or opposited of them. You move on, and that's it. That's her action and her actions could be incorrect too especially if you haven't spend time with that person irl.Let her reach out if she happens to reach out to you she changes her mind and realises why your trust is worth and not and not needy.
I dated one of those nice guys, traumatized at childhood... It was very "nice" for the first 3 months, until I noticed that the niceness was a manipulative tool to force me to give it back too much more!! Then I had to call it quits and he is now Stalking me for the last three years ... 😮 😳😫🤒💔
I’ve seen men stay with this type of woman and cheat on her instead of leaving because men benefit more from relationships more than women do. Women will usually reject these nice guy types of men right off the bat as opposed to settling for a relationship.
I can respect people who don't respect themselves. I wonder what is wrong with men that they can't. A lack of self respect can come from abuse, trauma, neglect... a caring partner can help such person build up their confidence and self respect. Love means you support each other. What you say is wrong on so many levels. I wonder why such comments are even allowed here.
@@Izabela-ek5nhit can also come from raising a boy in a highly feminine environment, where no upstanding male is present. Boys might identify with feminist and push back against masculinity. Nice guys can’t make women feel safe no matter how kind they are because they can’t set boundaries. They might become delicate and agreeable and grow frustrated by the results.
Thanks, I feel like I really needed to hear that. Not just to be attractive towards women but for my own sake. Too many people on the internet call nice guys cowards, and hearing it from you feels really good. Especially the thing you said about trauma.
Wonderful video My partnership of five years ended a month ago. When my true love decided to part ways with me, it truly is the only thing on my mind. I can't fathom my life with anyone else, and even though I've tried everything to get him back, it's all in vain. Despite my best efforts to put him out of my thoughts, I can't help but miss him and think about him all the time. I could not really tell you why I am saying this.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
I’ve always told my husband, I never want your acts of kindness to come from obligation…. But here we are and we can feel when it’s resentful appeasement
Good video, and eye opening. I am a people pleaser and have had great difficulty in relationships, hopefully I can work through my issues to reach a more genuine place and have more genuine relationships.
Thank you so much for this, this type of communication is so needed for us women and also men, because i have also seen this behavior from women to men. God bless you and your family for choosing to do this for us🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Yes Jimmy! Thank you for putting this out there!!! 💖Assertiveness and confidence doesn't equate to dominance and aggression. Consideration and vulnerability does not equate to submissiveness and weakness (on the contrary). You said it right. Woman like to have an equal, a partner. Very well articulated video. I hope a lot of men see this.
You are right, it was not my fault. It is still my responsibilty to change it, to be better. ... still working on that. My current "project": Do not see others as a means to an end. (Kant ^^) May take the rest of my life ...
As with most of your videos, I felt triggered listening to you talk. I've learned that if I'm feeling triggered, I need to run towards the feeling. As usual, your thoughts are on point, and I had tears running by the end. It helps to have a healthy male role voice on the internet. Thank you for making your videos.
Even as a woman i could completely relate to this, and it made me realize that men and women arent all that different, sometimes it just presents in different ways. I definitely bend over backwards in my relationships and give far too much of myself. I just dont have that alpha influence telling me to turn to bitterness and meanness because thats what they want, because im a woman my softness and kindness is encouraged and expected and my inability to express any anger or disappointment makes me susceptible to being abused in relationships. I dated a man who didnt believe i should have the right to vote because im a woman. Now that seems insane
Bingo, and in my limited experience, the strong independent feminists (all of which I mean positively and like) whom I have seen can't be pleased in this area: If I pose something assertively, it's never good enough. So then I defer or directly state my intent without time and place and get told I'm not initiating. It's a no-win scenario. I don't think the difficulty of this goes acknowledged enough. Yes, I absolutely still need to work on the balance of assertiveness and boundaries like Jimmy said, and he stresses the need to walk away when it's not a fit. But I have been frustrated with how many women it seems will not compromise in the slightest. And I hope there are videos about that on YT for the women who need to hear it
Jimmy is the guy from Biddo that taught me how to drive long distance on the highway...nice eyes...this being said...be you bro and expect genuine, kind and thoughtful from her and be hurt...everything in moderation dah! Thanks Jimmy! LOL
Your timing on releasing this video is almost creepy 😂 I started therapy after my wife set her boundaries. This is exactly what I was doing and I felt like a shell of a person. Thank you for getting this knowledge out there.
Amazing Video thank you. From a woman's perspective I can totally agree with everything you are saying about the attractive attributes in a Kind Confident Assertive Man 👏🏼 Well done - I hope this helps many I'll certainly be sharing this with my son one day 💙
"Nice" like that means manipulation. He's overdoing it because he wants something in return, and if he doesn't get it he'll lash out, because he feels entitled to it.
@@Tabroski Well, that's an entirely different case than a guy acting nice out of manipulation. Maybe you could worki on healing your self-esteem with a therapist, someone who will listen to you without judgment and help you overcome that negative self talk?
@@Dmitrij-nl3sc There's a contract that says I will get money in exchange for my work. Where is the contract that says you'll get a woman's attention in exchange for acting nice? The truth is, you are not owed anything by acting nice - nothing at all.
I realized this myself. I desperately tried to hold on to a relationship with an avoidant woman, always took the blame myself, always accommodated her, to extreme expense to myself. Over the course of this relationship, I had a lot of rapid self-actualization and development. A few days ago I finally realized what it meant to be strong after some intense reflection. That to be strong did not mean to pause my life for hers. Only once I got over my fear of losing her, was I able to really start getting everything on the table, and establish open communication without fear. Even now, I don’t know if things will work out, but I know I’m going to be more assertive, and value myself as well as her. I love her, she’s so important to me, but I can’t continue to push myself past a breaking point. It’s not healthy for either of us. Self-advocacy while maintaining cognizance and avoiding invalidating the other person is hard, but it’s something I’m so grateful to have been able to learn.
We love you Jimmy, this is awesome - gonna have to watch a couple times to divide the flips, but well worth listening to many times. Great goals. love the comparisonn !!!!
I am this guy. I am always too quick to express my feelings. I try to avoid conflict, and I end up in relationships that do not satisfy me , because I haven’t put myself first until the relationship is predicated on the subordinacy of my feelings and needs. I am aware that I do this. And I do it because I don’t believe that women will want me if I am more selfish. So I know what I do and why, but not how to fix it.
All changes begin with conscious effort man, believe me, i've been there. I could give you some tips if you wanna apply them First is having a reminder which you can acces to easily. Could be on the phone screen or a note that you could revisit. This could contain something that reminds you the things you want or don't want in your life. For example, i wanna make myself heard in this relationship, and for that you'll need to atleast take the first step KNOWING that its your decision, because you have just read that if you dont to dad, you'll end up in an unsatisfying marriage, you'll not feel good and probably your partner isnt realky going to help at all Second is, when you see the opportunity for action, take it. Thats why you should have that list of things you dont want to live or experience, if you get that into your mind, you'll begin to act accordingly to what you do want, and start avoiding people and situations that dont help to you. Hopefully it helps you man. It has worked for me. Note: every relationship must require some effort and sometimes being uncomfortable, nothing that is worth of something is free. Make sure that whatever effort you put in, has the purpose of feeling better in the relationship, not just evading it because that just prolongs the bad feelings. Good luck in your path
Ive been through a couple of transitionary periods in my life where Im desperately lonely and when trying to integrate get aggressively nice trying to make anyone like me. It tends to cause problems, especially with women. I genuinely expect nothing in return and eventually figure that out but it always comes from a place of such darkness that im desperately grasping for any connection
I’ve been seeing more of your stuff lately and it’s really nice as a guy to have some healthy people to get this sort of advice from. Especially relationship stuff from a male perspective - I feel like so often when I seek perspective it’s always a really toxic view presented to men. Thanks for having really solid advice for us guys that also highlights our own roles in why things might be hard or whatever. Keen to watch more stuff and hopefully find help with things from a healthy perspective
A mentor of mine died today, she was a fantastic teacher beyond just music, and I am going to miss her dearly. I took some time to open up to some friends at work, and I just wanted to say this was a message I needed.
Thank you for making this video, it was very enlightening to hear and reference a lot of my own behaviours. Nail on the head about 1st woman being narcissistic and me allowing that, Also recently dating with another saying there wasn't a spark.. Lots to reflect on here
It's similar to having a strong father figure who teaches you and keeps you safe by establishing clear boundaries and enforcing them in a fair & just way. Women want a man who is protective in all ways.
Very well put sir, as always. Healing and getting to know ourselves is so important. Figuring out our needs, wants, and desires and then when another healed person comes along they become a power couple. Hopefully I'll have that chance some day.
Nice guys suppress their needs until they blow up, it's like living around a volcano, they provide really good soil for plants every day until the top of the volcano destroys the village it's frightening. I lived with the nice woman as my female parent, repeating that with a nice man isn't something I wanted.
@Dmitrij-nl3sc My cousin thought that before with his mother. She started to call him on his days off for a lot of errands until he blew up at me about it. He started to feel used, but had casually told her "family helps family," and expected her to have the same limits on that trite phase as he did. I told him to ask if a task was a one time need or a permanent one and they agreed on a schedule. The other thing he was annoyed about was not getting help back, when he would present his troubles as a to do list he was in the middle of and had handled, instead of asking for help because he didn't want to be inconvenient, and no one got the hint. You can suppress your own needs through insecurity, be dealing with someone nasty that you still choose to engage with, or be miscommunicating.
I agree. But I think women often confuse flexibility with doormat behaviour too. Wise people know not every fight is worth picking. It is unwise women who like being disagreed with specifically because they are being disagreed with.
True. I think as he mentioned, the point is to recognize women who have those red flags, and leaveeee!! It’s hard, but hopefully we all find healthy people!
This is me, I am bothered by very little in life and my wife seems to be bothered by quite a lot. It makes more sense to just do things her way when I really don’t care either way.
I feel like the nice guy definition was changed. The original nice guy was just a guy whose approach to attracting women was to be cordial, giving her space and fostering a good relationship vs overly aggressive, dismissive, pushing her before she’s ready, and not caring about her.
Wow Jimmy I really enjoy your videos! This one really hit the nail on the head! Hopefully lots of men and women in the world are learning from your video's! They're awesome!! 😊💖😇💞☯️🙏.
If nice means fake. if nice means I want a medal for not being myself. I'm attracted to guys who are decent and fair and who don't want to hurt other people.
@@francikoen It does to the majority of women unfortunately idk some guy probably hurt them in middle school so now they don't like guys who are genuinely nice at first. Gotta play their game or be single forever.
a friend told me that there is a difference between nice & kind, and that it is better to be kind. i think he means that nice is about expectation and [to a degree] sacrifice, and so it can be used to manipulate (creating a transactional dynamic) but kindness is directly from the heart. end of story. at least, that's what i got from what he said😅
@@GUNS4MIKE1234 No, it does not apply to the majority of women. You are a typical weak ego male, who demeans women, in a vain attempt to pump up your flaccid ego.
This was a vulnerable video for me, if I'm honest, it feels like it's more likely to trigger people. It could trigger some women for thinking that I was blaming them for not being attracted to nice guys (which certainly wasn't my intent) or it could trigger men who would say I'm blaming them and placing even more shame upon them when they are clearly trying to be accommodating and kind already (which I'm certainly not trying to do). So I guess all I'm saying is I hope my intent came through on the video. I just want to make the point that we shouldn't be dating in fear, we shouldn't be giving with a bunch of expectations, and we shouldn't be suppressing who we are out of fear of being rejected or abandoned, doesn't matter if you're a "nice guy" or a "good girl", you deserve someone who wants to see the real you =) But that starts with us accepting and loving the real us. Thanks again for watching!
Brilliant 👏 👏 👏 Great advice for both men & women!
dont worry bro, ur not completely wrong!
one thing idk if u mentioned this or not probably very unrelated, but "insecure guys" are more scary to us then just not attractive.
theres this unspoken rule between me and my other frnds, that if there is an insecure man, dont cross him! especially when he's wd his friends!
idk if this comes into "nice guy", i believe it doesnt but more into insecurities.
most women who have insecurties project onto themselves, wd most men I have seen (most: keyword), they project it onto others and obv being the physically weaker gender,
thats terrifying!
Ive seen true crime documentries, so.. its just dead terrifyin for us!
so you should talk about that too if u havent already! Im sure it can help alot of people!
i understand your fear and thank you for sharing that part of yourself with us :] your point came across perfectly to me and i could honestly not agree more with everything you said in the video (coming from afab trans man, but.. yep, it's like you're inside my head at times 😂💜)
This is on the border of attachment theory... Fearful Avoidant or possibly even anxious preoccupied.
(An important part of) Selfcare is choosing not to argue with people committed to misunderstanding you.
Had a friend who’s abusive girl was like “im gonna break up with you unless you make way more money” so he took a second job while she sat at home with the dog, and eventually she changed it to “im breaking up with you bc you always work and i never see you”
Stay safe out there guys, theres NPD people everywhere
but this is what guys are like now
@@preetsrivastava7970Then you post your own comment about that… how are you being constructive to this person’s comment in any way?
That right there should tell you all you should know about putting a woman on a pedestal and taking that sort of disrespect. He should have walked away as soon as she said that.
Sounds like the average marden day women to me 🙂☕
@@vatsalsompura8071notice how @preetsrivastava7970 didn’t reply to your comment? Shows she didn’t want to actually bring up a similar point for discussion, only wanted to change the subject so OP’s comment wouldn’t receive focus and attention. Manipulative behavior.
indeed, jimmy.
rejection is scary.
but losing years of your life emotionally and/or legally tied to someone that doesn't love/appreciate/see you is waaaaaaay more scary
my love was a nice guy growing up, too. i'm so proud of him for knowing his worth *now* and i am honored to reinforce that worth for him.
i am not the source of his self-worth, but instead a reflection of it. and he is the same for me. and receiving his love feels that much sweeter for it
I was used to rejection. Narc parents teach you that that it's normal people reject you so you have a Rejection on your forehead a looong time. Until you wake up know about narcissism. It wasa shock to me to read about that. Even so long ago for me I still fight myself out of a toxic situation after divorce. Nobody gets it. People don't understand mostly. I felt bad al out my whole life. Now I changed to value myself more. I wanted to please in the hope to get love. I got more hatred instead. Jimmy explains it scary good. 😊
You know what else is scary being abducted and wakeing up in a cage and being tortured
And disappear ing without a trace
This is a fantastic comment. You are not responsible for the other persons mental health and worth. Be the best person you can be, and your partner should be the same. Synergy, that whole “my other half” thing is bllsht. All the best :)
The irony of the first thing you said is…it’s not scarier. Not at all. In fact. Once I said “the good news of never being in a long term relationship in this regard is that I’ve never had a woman do some crazy drama BS.”
And the first reply to that statement was “well that just means a woman never loved you or cared about you, so who cares.”
The implication is that it is better to have been mistreated by a woman; than to have never had her at all. 🤔 It made me realize that people truly do over value being selected by a woman as more important than being single forever.
I don’t agree with it, but the fact remains that people generally seem to be more afraid of being alone than being abused. 🤷🏾♂️🤔
@BASSFZz I agree, I see way too many people grasping at dead or abusive relationships, men and women, instead of just being alone or getting help, dealing with their own fears of rejectionnor insecurities. Everyone has to deal with some kind of rejection in life, it's not the end of the world, but neither is being single, it's very peaceful and way better than being with someone who is definitely not the right person ☺️
After i became single again after 12 years I realised I was a nice guy. I told myself that I'm just that kind, or i sacrifice my needs for my partner, children etc. Now i try to fill my own cup and it works like magic, I still have insecurities, I go back to old patterns. But for the first time Im actually putting my foot down, I've told girls that if they don't meet me halfway I'm out, and sticking to that. Telling family members what my boundaries are and withdrawing my attention if those are not respected. It's scary, but I'm finally getting to know myself. There are parts I don't love, I'm working on those, but hiding them, builds up pressure and that comes out sooner than later, so if I'm angry, sad, happy, whatever I'm just that instead of being this chameleon of sorts.
Good on you brother!
But thats not a nice Guy.
A nice Guy is a Guy that expects Sex after doing anything for a Lady. Dont put that horrible label on you 😅
The word "Magic" through youtube and the internet over the past year has less to do with actual magic, but more about "Ronald Mcdonald House charities and card games like ""Magic" The Gathering" . Both instances are used to move people and thoughts around like a homeless population looking for extra welfare! Literally.
I mean as a Christian man, that is what the Bible commands a husband be
Wow, that’s really inspiring!
Speaking as a former "nice guy" with some pretty toxic associated behaviours, it was only painful and extensive self-reflection that finally brought me to the point of realising that I wasn't being honest, with myself or others.
I feel you
Same omg
Continue on your path of self-reflection brother. Lapses in judgement can often come when we least expect it. Do not give it the chance, and recognize what triggers that "nice guy" response. I'm happy for you that you've been able to come to a point of self-actualization. Keep it up, for it's always a journey and not a destination.
@@raymondc9513 Oh, I am, friend.
My particular turning point was real acceptance that my behaviour was my own responsibility. I am much more aware of my own reactions now, and immeasurably better equipped to challenge my own thought processes and nip those old behaviours in the bud before they even get started.
Still, work in progress. 😊
@@raymondc9513couldn’t agree more with this.
I've always been kind and the nice guy... It's never worked for me.. Always rejected, betrayed and hurt.. When I do actually stand up for myself, it's always looked as a joke and I'm not taken seriously.. I have a deep voice, so when I do speak up for myself, I get called emotional or asked why I am shouting... I genuinely just want the best for the people in my life and always put my own needs and wants last.. All I want is peace and to find a woman who will respect me, be loyal to me and love me...
Yeah that must suck. Some people have great training growing up, and others (like myself) find themselves in adulthood heavily unprepared and having to do a lot of work on themselves. It sucks, it really does.
We can’t change our upbringing, but we are responsible for ourselves now as adults.
Don’t give up standing up for yourself. Try using gentle words with firm boundaries, and speaking up before you get really annoyed. If people still take it as a joke when you stand up for yourself, they’re probably not your people and you have every right to move on.
Stay strong. Your needs and wants matter. Your kindness to others is beautiful when you balance it with kindness to yourself as well ❤
I've learned anywhere that I'm not being respected, and treated bad, those kinds of people and places aren't for me.
People that like and love you will do that without you asking or pleading with them .
It's so frustrating. I understand there's a balance, but even when I feel I have stricken the balance, I still get told I'm being too assertive or not enough. I suspect I'm far from alone in this among modern men. It feels difficult to find women who encourage and accept that balance, with patience and understanding when (like anything in this life) it's not perfect in whatever way.
women really are not worth it mate, make yourself happy first
I dont care if no girls are attracted to me . Id still continue to be nice. This world needs positivity n love.
Perfect timing on this topic. I've been mulling over the difference between nice and kind. I've been looking at my past behaviors and trying to decide how to be kind moving forward, and not self sacrificing niceness out of anxiety. Thanks for the in depth discussion here.
Anxiety and fear have to go. They are ridiculous notions and putting your worth at the hands of someone else’s validation. Totally agree, to get to this conclusion I had to go wayyy back and learn from all my mistakes :)
There is no difference. They are synonymously the same. All people are doing is rationalizing all the positive traits to kind and all the negative traits to nice. In 10 years, I guarantee you, this discussion will take place about all the "kind guys", and how there is a difference between them and a good guy.
@@EntertheFray1 it’s really more the understanding of how to respond to women’s emotional basis. Once you know how to do that, and not put a woman on a pedestal, you’re golden.
@@ElevateMyRelationships Well, I agree with not putting a woman on a pedestal, but not on understanding women's emotional basis. I think most nice guys problem is the gynocentric perspective by which they approach dating (which ties into why they put them on a pedestal).
Gynocentric thinking is very difficult to avoid to fall into, because much of our current culture surrounds it. Not just dating, tons of things take on a gynocentric approach.
You'll see it everywhere once you understand what it actually is.
That's usually the reason men who don't fall into gynocentric thinking are attractive.
@@EntertheFray1 oh we are talking about the same thing. Weak men who are run over by their woman’s opinions and wants.. the whole “happy wife happy life” thing is complete dog sht.. great points man, totally agree
"You're not for everyone, and that's okay because you are the right person for someone and it's worth it to find that person. But you'll never be able to do that when you're always trying to make a relationship work that wasn't supposed to work"
I know we all watched the same video, but I think I, and many others, need to hear this again. For so long I've been trying to chase after this person, thinking she'll like me now that I'm better, but she's still as disinterested and indifferent as before. I apologized for everything I did wrong, but nowhere did she say sorry for what she did wrong. It's not healthy to chase this person, or hoping to get back together because there is someone out there willing to actually work on that relationship with you, instead of them doing nothing while you do everything
True. It feels fake and feels insecure. Worst thing about 'nice' guys is they resent their 'sacrifices' that weren't even asked for and they turn bitter.
They expect reciprication and when it's not reciprocated they feel hurt and taken for granted so generally will (in my case) communicate intention and expectations because you can't just hold someones hand on a date without it being a big thing now so you get essentially one chance to reciprocate in a healthy way or i'm bailing. Been through enough one way relationships.
I think what they are doing is called “covert contracts “. It’s unspoken that you have to return the favour…that would make them manipulative. The “nice guy “ always makes me feel repulsion to them.
@@zealiabella8553I think you are spot on with your insight.
I agree with this but I have a counter point. Sometimes, people manipulate someone's desire to be kind and to "do the right thing" by coercing them into contracts themselves. It's easy to throw your hands in the air and say you never asked for somebody to do something, even though you already identified it as a problem that needed a solution or something similar. This can be common in workplaces where say, a manager will give a vague outline for an employee to earn a promotion just to bait them into taking on more work (like dangling a carrot on a stick), only to simply not acknowledge any of that extra hard work when it comes time to give a promotion or a raise. I've had bosses straight up lie to me about my job by telling me I needed to be doing extra work that wasn't in my "department", just to either take it for granted (that was your job to do anyways) or pretend they never asked me to do it in the first place. You have to have the wisdom to know when you're doing something for no reason, and when somebody is trying to convince you or lie to you about your responsibilities just to have you do more.
seen the same happening for women too
Jimmy, this was so eloquent and beautiful. And it applies to women, too. My only regret is that you weren't here 10 years ago. But as a single person, I learn from you every day. And often I send your videos to my sister, who's been married for 36 years. I'm not sure if you have a degree in psychology or if this all comes from your own person journey, but I thank you for sharing your wisdom in such a genuine and heartfelt way. 💝
He said all his personal journey, he cheated on his wife and other stuff.
That’s how I feel,it pertains to women too
Who cheated? @@b2tharocksax199
@@raquelhulce9314True. We also have the femcels and the other types of women who are not that but promote the "men love bitches" mentality. But the truth is, men also just want a confident partner who doesen't fall into "cool girl" with no boundaries and compulsive people pleaser.
@@b2tharocksax199what?! I’m new to his channel so I’m shocked 😮
I resonate with this, I showed up this way for the majority of my life.
A great read is ‘no more mr nice guy’.
Helps to open your eyes to the paradigms adopted in childhood and cemented in adulthood.
Change starts within, see the role you play in your own story and choose to take the lead
I think most women are attracted to men who are a blend of masculine and feminine energy, so to speak. Someone who takes initiative and takes the lead in many ways but is also in touch with their emotions and yours. Strong but also gentle. Balance. And that’s good for women too.
Exactly.. I notice women are super attracted to what the alpha bros call; feminine/gay; because they display emotional intelligence an genuine kindness.. and of course they they groom themselves properly and have good hygiene 🤷♀️
Getting in touch with my emotions was the best thing Ive ever done. Its a shame my own mother thought of me as weak for at one point willing to show that I needed help but was completely dismissed to man up. It near destroyed my first relationship not being able to be comfortable expressing my vulnerabilities.
I once asked a friend of mine who was a woman what women are looking for in a guy. She said something I remember to this day: "We're looking for a strong poet." Love that line.
Yes!
woman say shit like this when choose a literal criminal lmao.
Wow man this video changed my life. I started watching this as i was entering a relationship for the first time in 5 years and was overfilled with anxiety and different trauma responses that made me doubt whether I could do it or not. I eventually healed and started looking at this stuff healthily but after a month in we faced our first real complicated situation.
It's crazy cuz this video couldn't have had a more perfect timing. Everything you said reflected perfectly into how I was unconsciously acting. And it also made her feel like we weren't equals. I hope I can implement this and make our relationship work cuz she's really awesome, but i understand myself better now and no longer need or want to force it to work. I'll be fine regardless, and I'll always love her cuz she it doesn't mean she isn't a good person.
To have people with this level of maturity and wisdom and the ability to share it on the internet, I am truly blessed. Thanks man for changing the trajectory of my entire life.
Keep going man. It’s amazing when you see the other side. I had to go through so much disappointment with women to get me to wake up and learn what I was doing wrong. Now I just wanna give that back because it makes for better guys, better parents, better families and society. :)
If you're looking for a woman with maturity I hope you like women over 50. Because you won't find it younger than that
You're absolutely right, Jimmy! However, after experiencing a narcissistic type personality for 40 years, I long for a kind, genuine, honest, authentic, supportive partner who is able to create an intimate relationship, someone who shows you they need you and is comfortable being vulnerable. Someone who prioritizes me and the relationship, a person who accepts me for who I am.
I know i am a codependent and have worked on myself. It is a process and I'll always be working on it. Sadly, the "nice person/ guy" dows not get the respect he deserves. I don’t understand and will never understand it. But a kind , confident person who is authentic, and still able to set boundaries is rare and so refreshing when they come around. As you mentioned , it's imported to make sure we know what we want. We're always trying to make sure the other person likes us and not focus on what we like . Thank you so much. This hit home, and it's so true! ❤
It largely comes from men who had a traumatic childhood and, in my experience, were raised by a woman who kept saying a good man was a "nice guy" even though she was going out having sex with bad boy types. I wanted to be that good guy but was always punished for it/never got the girl. I have seen too many times women say they want a good man but reward total shitheads with sex. Men that so obviously are not good for them as a partner. It's very nuanced and takes a lot of honesty from every direction. Wish you all the best.
The problem is that "nice guys" are the yes-man type that are mostly agreeable and comply to anything and everything, even if they disagree they cannot be honest about themselves. This is an NPC behavior with a lack of own initiative and authenticity. Or, they can also be faking it thinking being nice they will get a way in, and when not they expose their true colors being offensive, neurotic jerks.
In the other side, the abusive douches are those who believe they own other people and have things done their way, and comonly don't acknowledge or care for the other person's feelings or wellbeing because they are entitled POS's and think only of their own gain.
They get to "win" things over because they take chances and risks, they don't really care about bad outcomes because they are unaffected by them and try with the next option. And women often accept them because they are deceived by their apparent "confidence" when in reality they don't care, and end up breaking everything.
Instead, the key here is balance. It is totally okay to be nice and kind, but at the same time confident and strong in character enough as to not let others deceive, take advantage and step on you. A man of value with self regard knows where to put boundaries and to be respected, while at the same time they can be genuinely benevolent.
It explains things most guys don’t think about. I also learned a lot from reading a book called Flirtosphere Seduction by Vexoner. The book helped me understand women better and feel more confident. Combining tips from videos like this and the book really made a difference for me.
This is a bot, this book is a scam
✋️ From a neurobilogical standpoint, limmerence has always been an issue. It's def could be a larger cultural reflection of the childhood home, that unfortunately many people come from traumatic homes, and many have never expereinced good love, nice people, and it feels subconsciously unfamiliar and ironically "not attracted to," just means "not familiar," subconsciously, neurologically speaking.
The more both people practice awareness, sifting through the experiences, learn, and evolve, the more we will be attracted to whats right, aka healthy, for us.
Great video!You are on point with the comment about Authenticity, at least for me personally 😂❤
I had this unhealthy crush on a guy (not a bad person, just as hurt) until l realize that him feeling like home, and being so familiar, wasn't a good thing since I (and him) came from rough childhoods.
It's not acknowledged enough that a healthy family and childhood is a form of wealth some of us never experienced.
This is a really good point 💕
😂
54 year female here. I have been watching your videos for a few years. First comment. This was amazingly insightful. All rings true. I am not out to manipulate men. Would love to point out that I also watched this from my own perspective of needing to make sure I am showing up as authentically as I can for myself and in relationship. This is a difficult needle to thread--the topics you raise here. Good job. Please keep going. My relationships are a journey. Glad to be on a journey of healing and discovery with you Jimmy. Spectacular work! Big hug. And thank you.
Thank you for avoiding manipulation, showing up authentically, and especially the difficulty of this.
Jimmy. This was hard to watch and know you were talking directly to me! I will re-watch it many times because it’s so important. Thank you for probably the best guidance I’ve ever heard, as it relates to relationships
External validation is the key to many issues.
I struggle with that since my childhood. I am working on fixing it right now, as it caused me many troubles.
You are enough. God bless and guide you 🙏
@@lukejcox3345this sir is correct👌
To all guys out there struggling. If you see a woman being attracted to, or falling in love with a man that's indifferent and abusive to her or towards other people around him, it's a pretty good sign that said woman has grown up in a toxic/ abusive environment, so chaos and toxicity has become normal to her. It's got almost NOTHING to do with you being inadequate as a man.
The Chads can get away with being Jerks due to their looks status or higher incomes.
It’s why they need to curb their silly victimhood over rejection and go bo of service to people snd communities - rather than feeling like a victim of rejection. They also enjoy exploiting off of the childhood traumas and ancestral traumas to keep women attached to them.
Ye but unfortunatly we end up with the toxic abusive woman for the same reason.
what a load of rubbish, women who havent had such relationships full for them any way, its just an excuse
45 yr old woman- this is great! I was looking for a friend, but the way u speak - simply and freakin real and honest!!! Makes me think of my husband and I- I was the addict I know I could’ve door matter him… but I too have trauma and he stayed around long enough for me to work and heal myself- but I do feel this is sooooo true❤
This is such a great video- especially in light of your pinned comment explaining your intentions in creating this! I wish you could give a relationship class to all senior high school or college students! Brilliant!❤
Story of my 'old life' of 21yrs until I finally stood up for myself and in a fit of NPD rage, because she was losing control, stabbed me in the kitchen. That breakup was the best thing that happened to me as far as relationships go. I was 59 at the time. It's 7 yrs ago now & I'm still learning how NOT to be a nice guy but be a kind guy. Read Robert Glover's 'no more Mr.Nice guy. Changed my life. Great video Brother, thankyou.
12:46 right on point. My feelings was never considered. I was used by "friends" and family. Very true those people claimed they loved me but didn't show up. You hit it on the head. I changed and removed myself from all of them 7 years ago.
Your analysis of the taker abandoning you in the day to day… hit home. So true
It's so nice to hear a guy explaining this to other guys.
From a female perspective, "nice" (aka treating other people generally well) is a baseline. We all want a partner with a healthy sense of self who's more than just "nice." Someone who's kind but without expectations of repayment. Generous but with healthy boundaries. Someone with hobbies, interests, passions, goals, and opinions of their own that naturally align with ours, not something manufactured to be more liked.
I hope that any guy looking for answers in this video hears your message, pursues internal peace, healthy boundaries, and confidence, and finds an honest and authentic relationship where they feel respected and valued.
@@okashi10 Here’s the etymology of “nice,” copied from AI response to search: Five hundred years ago, when nice was first used in English, it meant "foolish or stupid." This is not as surprising as it may seem, since it came through early French from the Latin nescius, meaning "ignorant." By the 16th century, the sense of being "very particular" or "finicky" had developed. In the 19th century, nice came to mean "pleasant or agreeable" and then "respectable," a sense quite unlike its original meaning.
I have also seen “nice” meaning “cunning” or “crafty.”
I don't expect shit, I ask for it lol
Nice is the baseline but you’ll drop the bar faster than your panties for the right dude
@@barbarajloriordan2697huh, nice. Lol.
@@DrArthurCGarp so women will be easier if they're attracted to a guy, just like men are? wow, what a genius you are.
Wow this just said it all. I am a "nice girl" but in reality, I feel okay when everyone in my life is taken care of. External. Stems from my cptsd and a toxic family system.
I am working on it. I am staying single until I can be happy if I'm happy.
I have seen a couple of these "Don't be a nice guy" videos, and this is among the better ones that I have seen. You talk about the topic with a sort of holistic approach. Seems to me like you aren't out to discourge whoever might be a "nice guy" and make them feel bad about themselves. You actually deliver the issue or challenge and bring a solution to the table as well. You also talk about the true reasons for why to do the necessary healing while focusing on yourself and not just to become desierable for women. I just wanted to truly approve of how you adress this topic, thank you!
Just for the record, I too have been the "nice guy" at a time in my life, and I don't believe I am anymore. I want to share a couple of my own viewpoints on the topic. First of all, and I think this is very important and it's very much directed at whoever regards themselves as a "nice guy". This is not something you are born with, it's not a personality trait, nor a diagnosis. This is simply a behaviour, which can be dropped and left on a day, or more realisticly a couple of weeks or months. I just wanted to be very clear on that, just like Jimmy saying you are not doomed in any way.
Secondly, this is just a hunch from my own experience and it might not be relevant for everyone who finds themselves in these shoes. I believe there might be a connection between the behaviour of being a "nice guy" and the suppression of frustration, annoyance and anger within oneself. I know for a fact that it was true for myself. Like all people I experience frustration and anger at times, but there was a time when I did not fully accept it, I didn't let myself feel it, thus not giving it an opportunity to let go and leave my body. I just hid it within myself. Once I started adressing why I felt mad about something, and started allowing myself to feel frustrated and work through it, I eventually started standing up for myself and let my character eb and flow more freely, and eventually my own self worth started increasing, this leading me to no longer being a "nice guy" in the way we are talking about here.
And, try not to be ashamed of it. It's really quite normal, and it's part of a even more normal path that we all walk; to learning self love. Everyone has to go through stuff like this, one way or another.
Hope this can be liberating or of help in some way. :)
Nice is not the same as kind. I seek kind men.
This is just a semantics
No, “nice” is people-pleasing or manipulating. It isn’t genuine or sustainable. Kindness is done with healthy boundaries.
I agree. I suppose it kind of depends on what definitions we give words.
But niceness is the lowest form of kindness in my book.
Would it be nice if you gave a drug addict money for drugs when they came and asked you for money saying that it was for xyz? Probably. Would it be kind? Absolutely not.
Being nice is telling and showing people what they want to hear and see, being kind is being authentic about who you are and what you believe is best.
@@Ash_Wen-li It's not. Subtle differences are still differences.
Great point.
Thank you for this❤ I’m a woman but I’ve always been the people pleaser afraid to ask for what I need.. I am on the journey to healing but this was a great video🥰
Same
Jimmy, I love you man. You're doing such great work here. I've been a nice guy my whole life. Even though I've been super charismatic and magnetic with a dozen women falling hopelessly in love with me, always put others needs above mine with that need to be chosen and guess what my friend, your prophocies of common sense have been my fate. I kill the love every time. I just got through another messy break up where my niceness was the root cause of our problems. I am trying hard now to follow the light, be true to myself, set boundaries and focus on the journey instead of the destination. I have always believed in what you're saying because it's logical. Now I'm committed to living it. God bless you and all your loved ones Jimmy.
I was you when younger. Was very pretty and attractive to men, but regularly chastised because 'too nice'. I now understand that I was indeed naive and a pushover. I worked on my insecurities, hopefully not too late. I don't know if this is your case, too, I can suggest just be your authentic self (which is very difficult in our society) and be with people who truly appreciate you because they exist
@@SibyllaCumana Yes, I have been very insecure, I act nice and dont speak up about my red flags. Always betraying my values just for some short lived validation with a misguided hope that it wont really matter in the end. It always matters... Being your authentic self is the most difficult yet most important thing to do. I am absolutely blown away to say that because of the work I have been doing this past year to heal and prioriatize my authentic self, this is the happiest I have been in a decade and I am starting to become confident that I will stop making these mistakes. Sibylla, thank you for replying and God bless
100% man this was me when I was younger so many times; finally stopped being stubborn and thought, yeah I’m a great guy but something clearly wrong with my philosophy to keep having failed relationships. Dedicated myself to learning it all and now giving back :)
Honesty is the best plus yes giver and kindness plus considerate
Key words, confident and assertive .
I wish more men had the insight, knowledge, integrity, and confidence to speak out against the “alpha male” mentality. That way of thinking is so juvenile and sad. It takes no strength to have that type of mindset. Thank you for this.
I also want to add that guys who are unable or unwilling to speak up about their needs and set boundaries will inevitably build up so much resentment toward their partner that will cause the relationship to fall apart, usually leaving the other person wondering what in the world just happened. Even on our best days, we can’t read 100% of someone’s mind.
I hate all this Alpha Male crap. “You have to be strong, don't show weakness, don't cry, no feelings” - all that is just sad.
Men who fall for it at a difficult time in their lives, for example when they're at the bottom and let themselves be talked into something, are very difficult to get out of it. I've experienced this myself with a friend.
I, on the other hand, would also describe myself as a nice guy today, but in a slightly different way than described in the video.
Thanks to my wonderful therapist, who showed me how I can show my feelings, how I can live out my feelings and how I can stand up for myself, which wasn't possible before due to destructive thought cycles and people in my life who felt like they were pulling all the strings - since I got out of that, I know what I want, where I want to go and what I expect from life.
Since then, I've been preaching to everyone I hear about how bad they are and how good therapy has done me. I was incredibly lucky with my last therapy after many wrong ones.
It was the right person who was able to teach me exactly the things I needed to become the person I always wanted to be, but never knew how I would get there as externally controlled as I was.
Now I'm there, and the only way I could be happier is through a partnership.
@@christosius It’s so good to hear you found the right therapist and have went through so much growth! I wish you the best!!
@@christosius I'm glad you learned this! Feelings/emotions are normal and natural - for both men and women.. The dysfunctions begin when men are incorrectly told that emotions are for women... so men stuff their natural emotions. Then those emotions come out sideways in drunkenness, drug abuse, anger, gambling, fighting, depression, or other anti-social behaviors.
I think you forget left wingers exist haha, they are the alpha ones in reality (bc they use their brains and not brawn) and laugh at the hilbillies like “im so alpha that im scared of women and minorities”
"just open up"
woman before using man's emotion as a weapon against him.
It came through loud and clear. The title doesn’t do this one justice. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Who me? I’m not crying! lol thank you Jimmy.
Yep. Boundaries. Authenticity. Groovy.
I love who you are, the way you think, how you expressing it and your generosity toward everyone of us. Thank you a lot!
Preach!!! I have to be honest I feel like I’m also listening to this from a woman’s perspective too. Like am I a “Nice Girl” 😬 Thank you Jimmy!
guys and girls are not the same and we don't want the same things; being nice as a girl is a plus and we like it
@@KanjarHSN untill they go apeshit on you for not helping her
Jimmy, I hope you read this because I truly appreciate the content you upload. I am a 54 year old dunce(not really,but I am 54)and all the subjects you talk about are exactly what I have experienced for 36 years,hence the dunce. I can't believe I have let it all go on so long but honestly I didn't know there was language for all this until a while ago. I thought it was all normal. I live with a man with a dismissive avoidant attachment style and thought it was all me. I see through your videos I am not crazy and my problems in many ways have related to being with someone who operates this way. 36 years of time has also created a monster in a way. I don't know if I have it in me to recover our relationship after all that has happened all these years,but thank you for giving language to my problems,validating them,giving solution and examples of healthy interactions. I also understand my partner better and can see through his eyes better. What you are doing is so valuable and I just wanted to let you know it has helped me feel stronger in my decisions around my relationship. I have never liked the blame game,and now have more tools to work with. Thank you! Corinne Rust Canada❤❤❤
Did you also got that thing in your throat, when Jimmy tells us about guys who think every woman is abusive and it's actually true many guys nowadays think all women are after wealth on guys and want to use them? Omg I love the fact Jimmy said this. I feel so heard by him. It's so painful many guys are bitter on women. Thanks for your story btw ❤
Thank you for this, I needed to hear this 10 years ago. Unfortunately, I was a "nice guy" right up until my wife of 18 years had enough and left. Over a year of therapy and counseling, I've started showing up as my genuine self and I can verify what you're saying here is scripture and exactly why our relationship fell apart. Time to do it over and do it right this time. 😊
Jimmy! You are so spot on here. Showing up assertively and authentically is so attractive.
Nice guys have been trained up from childhood to be passive, so it’s a big thing to start becoming different, I know. It’s like a starting a race way behind.
That’s why I have so much respect for the nice guys who have done the work to change, they deserve so much more credit than the guys who simply had a great family and it was easy for them 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
*Insert slow clap*👏👏👏👏 Sir, this was SPOT ON! Thank you!
Im super late to the convo. I'm so glad to hear someone else differentiate effectively between nice and kind. Really needed to work on having BOTH honest and kind opinions with people
Thank you for countering the negative dating and relationship content that has become popular among some people.
So many recovering nice guys here. It gives me so much hope ❤ Thank you for putting in the effort to change.
I wish I would have had this kind of information 50 years ago. My life would have been so different!
Thank you for putting this out there!
I love how you give us the words to say - sometimes I need to practice this ahead of time, hear myself saying the words so I can utter them authentically in the actual moment without fear or angst.
My ex covert narc is a “nice guy narc” he pretends to be giving and caring so you are obligated to him for 1000 times anything he ever did for you. He’s a full blown pathological liar and psychopath under the mask. He used to say out loud I’m a great husband and stellar father, which could not be further from the truth.
I could be wrong, but I don’t think that’s really who we’re talking about here. It’s the other side of the coin from the narcissist.
Both the nice guy and the narcissist are liars, but the nice guy is going to let you walk all over them and let you make everything their fault. The nice guy is the emasculated male who lets you get away with too much.
The nice guy often attracts the narcissist because of this, because the nice guy thinks that they have no value, and the narcissist sees an infinite source of supply on demand.
What you are describing seems to me at least to be a covert, narcissist, or somebody who has a cluster b personality
So would you have preferred he not be giving and caring ? If a man gives it is a crime to expect something in return ?
@@MrWinMrWin-qr2bn Once I was pregnant with our son, he refused to have a job, and used our child as a pawn for me to support him for the next 12 years. He was a cheater, gambler, liar and total fraud. The nice guy act was only there until I was trapped. The following 11 years was a nightmare.
Thanks!
As a guy who was the "nice guy" Jimmy is on point. Oftentimes many of these nice guys often confuse being kind with being complete doormats, we don't like being doormats but out of fear of being turned down and/or being alone we often put way more time and energy into someone who we're not even dating. And it drains you because you're only acting nice because deep down you have a selfish desire. One thing that I(and many other ex nice guys) have learned to do is to be myself and not fear being rejected. I don't have to agree with everything my crush says and I don't always have to be her yes man and spend all my time with her. A good woman will respect your boundaries and understands that you're human and that you have other priorities in life. Women value honesty and you can only be honest in front of others if you are honest with yourself. Taking time to reflect on what you value and what are your goals in life is a good start. Another thing is that you need to learn how to invest your time and effort into a relationship wisely. No point in wasting time and effort with someone who doesn't feel the same towards you. Granted Im still trying to get better but these are my two cents and any more advice would be great.
This is a great comment.
Fantastic comment. As soon as you let them walk all over you it’s done.
True dat! Stay strong guys
@@Steve.x.Williams all day!
Trigger!
This is the second time I am watching this video I couldn’t watch it all the way, I didn’t hear the answers to me being afraid to be vulnerable good video bro !!!
Gave 18 years to a " nice " guy. A workaholic, emotionally unavailable, insecure guy. After we divorced he did something so out of character that I truly questioned who I was married to all those years. I learned so much from all of it. Thank you Jimmy for telling the truth about how a real, healthy relationship works.
How do you define nice guy?
Workaholic is bad a man's job is to provide a little vague
@@Noname-u5h9e a guy who gives up a part of himself for the sake of his partner, often without the partner's consent and the guy is disappointed and or resentful of his partner for not reciprocating in the same intensity or manner. (ex: "I bought you some flowers, even though they cost $100. I did it because I love you! Oh... why don't you like them? You said you like this kind...")
Often times it involves a lot of emotional manipulation, and 'score keeping', ways to "balance" the relationship or expectations by forcing them onto their partner, and possibly trying to highlight a lack of effort in return.
There are more, but this is what I could think of immediately. It's underhanded and secretly sinister.
I know this because I used to be one myself, until I lowered my expectations, did A LOT of self-healing, and managed my emotional and physical investments to a point where I was not over-extending past what I am willing to provide upfront.
YOU chose him. YOU were part of the couple. YOU had agency. YOU don't get to blame him alone.
@@sanjeevgig8918 I said I learned from it didn't I? Yes I chose him, every day, until we decided to part, as friends. That quickly ended due to his actions. I chose him and gave it my all. When I quit giving my all, it unraveled. I chose him at 36 years old. I am 64 now and would not choose someone like him ever again. Hence the " learned from it" part.
Great video. You've quickly become one of my favorite content creators on all platforms. Thanks for the work you do.
I never understood why men who treated me indifferently thought that that would make me like them. Why would I want to associate with a person who tells me that I am not as good as they are? Why would I like somebody whose behavior encourages me to think less of myself?
It's because they are grandiose and genuinely think they are God's gift to humanity and that everyone should grovel in their presence🙏common sense, right?😂
Most of these types think that women all have daddy issues and will chase a man that reminds them of their absent or aggressive father. They watch these podcasts where they invite only fans models who fit the stereotype so they can feel better about their lives.
Truth be told it's all projection; they seek promiscuous and abusive women because that's close to what their mothers are or were and they never question their attraction to toxic women nor their attachment styles.
@@lillaprofessorn it also may be that many people are taught by their families that they are not good enough. They have been taught that only when the person who judges them finally offers approval will they be OK. When a person has been subjected to this tragic form of training, they go into the world thinking that they will not be good enough unless they can find a way to convince a judgmental person to love them, and then they attract people who judge them. The judgmental person treat them indifferently, or judgmentally, and this stimulates the poorly trained person to work harder to gain the judgmental person’s love.
The grandiose person preys upon poorly trained person’s insecurities because they (the grandiose person) have insecurities of their own, which they project onto the persons whom they judge. And the judged person colludes with the grandiose person’s judgements of them.
The poorly trained person has an advantage over the grandiose person, and that’s that the poorly trained person is willing to receive support. With support, the poorly trained person can learn to take a step back and witness the mechanics of their self-defeating behavior. They can see that their attempt at trying to “get” a judgmental person to love them is only playing into a vicious cycle. They can learn to recognize how they have colluded with the judgmental person in judging themselves. And they can begin to see that the judgmental person has found that “being the judge” offers them temporary relief for their insecurities. When a person sees these things, they can break the cycle.
With support, empathy, and help, the poorly trained person can train themself into becoming a wise person. They can start to see the fruitlessness of their own behavior. They can begin to recognize that the world is filled with people who are sincerely trying to grow and learn, and they will begin to prefer to associate with them.
Because many women actually respond very well to that behaviour, maybe?!?
Women. ☕️
@@Kritikanbringer What do you mean by “respond well?” Do you mean, “By feigning indifference, I can get a woman to like me?” If you think that, I feel sad for you.
Thank you for this video, Jimmy. You’ve perfectly summarized what I’ve done wrong in the past and what I’m striving to do better in the future. I’ll come back to this video whenever I need reminding of where I want to be and who I want to be.
As a recovering nice guy, there's three versions of the nice guy/gal. Type 1 is fake nice, using it as manipulation to get something. Type 2 is an overgiver due to poor self esteem / fear of losing the other person. This is mostly what Jimmy was talking about. Type 3 is similar to Type 2 but the underlying reasons are different. Type 3 is someone whose overwhelming love language is Acts of Service, so they give a lot hoping to get Acts of Service in return, because that's their understanding of what love is. They don't understand that their partner feels and expresses love in other ways. I was Type 3 until recently. I knew my partner loved me but I was constantly being unintentionally wounded by her. Then I figured out that we weren't showing each other love the way we needed it. Jimmy taught me that I hurt us both by not knowing my needs and holding my boundaries. Now things really started turning around and we're both happier. This video is unlocking even more of dimensions to this and I'm so grateful for it.
Thanks for breaking out the types. I was surprised at the emphasis on this video when I am more used to Type 1 being the subject of dating and relationship blogs. The ones who expect a reward for being kind adults.
Yeah, I have had social anxiety for many years. I am 23, coming 24 very soon, and have gotten a lot better as I get older. I am naturally a kind guy who can't help it either just being myself. I am the type of person who likes looking out for people. When it comes to girls, I treat them with respect. I got ghosted many times. I got delayed responses many times. I take that rude tbh. They are wasting your time and don't let them make you feel needy or opposited of them. You move on, and that's it. That's her action and her actions could be incorrect too especially if you haven't spend time with that person irl.Let her reach out if she happens to reach out to you she changes her mind and realises why your trust is worth and not and not needy.
Thank you for your videos - your tone is so consistently compassionate and encouraging. It's beautiful to see this.
I dated one of those nice guys, traumatized at childhood... It was very "nice" for the first 3 months, until I noticed that the niceness was a manipulative tool to force me to give it back too much more!! Then I had to call it quits and he is now Stalking me for the last three years ... 😮 😳😫🤒💔
I know the police are usually useless, but I would still file with them to keep up a paper trail.
Stay safe regardless!
Record and report EVERYTHING
Sounds like lovebombing to be honest, not nescessarily "nice guy" syndrome. But I hope you are okay of course
You just described a covert narcissist. Stay safe.
Yeah this is it. The ones that think their "niceness" makes them entitled to something.
I can apply this to myself as a "nice" girl. So thank you for sharing ❤
This is absolutely true for men as well. “Nice girls” become a wife appliance who isn’t loved and respected because she doesn’t respect herself
I’ve seen men stay with this type of woman and cheat on her instead of leaving because men benefit more from relationships more than women do.
Women will usually reject these nice guy types of men right off the bat as opposed to settling for a relationship.
This
"Wife appliance." 😂 I've never heard that, but I like it.
I can respect people who don't respect themselves. I wonder what is wrong with men that they can't. A lack of self respect can come from abuse, trauma, neglect... a caring partner can help such person build up their confidence and self respect. Love means you support each other. What you say is wrong on so many levels. I wonder why such comments are even allowed here.
@@Izabela-ek5nhit can also come from raising a boy in a highly feminine environment, where no upstanding male is present. Boys might identify with feminist and push back against masculinity. Nice guys can’t make women feel safe no matter how kind they are because they can’t set boundaries. They might become delicate and agreeable and grow frustrated by the results.
Thanks, I feel like I really needed to hear that. Not just to be attractive towards women but for my own sake. Too many people on the internet call nice guys cowards, and hearing it from you feels really good. Especially the thing you said about trauma.
Wonderful video My partnership of five years ended a month ago. When my true love decided to part ways with me, it truly is the only thing on my mind. I can't fathom my life with anyone else, and even though I've tried everything to get him back, it's all in vain. Despite my best efforts to put him out of my thoughts, I can't help but miss him and think about him all the time. I could not really tell you why I am saying this.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
"Nice Guy Syndrome" from Robert Glover has been really helpful for decades. Great to hear your take on it. Thanks for sharing your experiences too!
I’ve always told my husband, I never want your acts of kindness to come from obligation…. But here we are and we can feel when it’s resentful appeasement
Just like men can feel the resentful appeasement of sexual acts. So many won treat sex not as passionate but as a chore.
Good video, and eye opening. I am a people pleaser and have had great difficulty in relationships, hopefully I can work through my issues to reach a more genuine place and have more genuine relationships.
❤❤❤❤ My daddy was always wonderfully kind gentle and sweet.
He was never mean nor abusive in any way.
Why I miss my daddy and still single
Thank you so much for this, this type of communication is so needed for us women and also men, because i have also seen this behavior from women to men. God bless you and your family for choosing to do this for us🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Don't look back she gave you your freedom , go forth and show her that it was her loss no contact and wish her all the best.
Yes Jimmy! Thank you for putting this out there!!! 💖Assertiveness and confidence doesn't equate to dominance and aggression. Consideration and vulnerability does not equate to submissiveness and weakness (on the contrary). You said it right. Woman like to have an equal, a partner. Very well articulated video. I hope a lot of men see this.
You are right, it was not my fault.
It is still my responsibilty to change it, to be better. ... still working on that.
My current "project": Do not see others as a means to an end. (Kant ^^) May take the rest of my life ...
As with most of your videos, I felt triggered listening to you talk. I've learned that if I'm feeling triggered, I need to run towards the feeling. As usual, your thoughts are on point, and I had tears running by the end. It helps to have a healthy male role voice on the internet. Thank you for making your videos.
Even as a woman i could completely relate to this, and it made me realize that men and women arent all that different, sometimes it just presents in different ways. I definitely bend over backwards in my relationships and give far too much of myself. I just dont have that alpha influence telling me to turn to bitterness and meanness because thats what they want, because im a woman my softness and kindness is encouraged and expected and my inability to express any anger or disappointment makes me susceptible to being abused in relationships.
I dated a man who didnt believe i should have the right to vote because im a woman. Now that seems insane
Given the insanity a lot of women have nowadays Im starting to see why women weren't initially given the right to vote.
Bingo, and in my limited experience, the strong independent feminists (all of which I mean positively and like) whom I have seen can't be pleased in this area: If I pose something assertively, it's never good enough. So then I defer or directly state my intent without time and place and get told I'm not initiating. It's a no-win scenario.
I don't think the difficulty of this goes acknowledged enough. Yes, I absolutely still need to work on the balance of assertiveness and boundaries like Jimmy said, and he stresses the need to walk away when it's not a fit. But I have been frustrated with how many women it seems will not compromise in the slightest. And I hope there are videos about that on YT for the women who need to hear it
Jimmy is the guy from Biddo that taught me how to drive long distance on the highway...nice eyes...this being said...be you bro and expect genuine, kind and thoughtful from her and be hurt...everything in moderation dah! Thanks Jimmy! LOL
Your timing on releasing this video is almost creepy 😂
I started therapy after my wife set her boundaries. This is exactly what I was doing and I felt like a shell of a person. Thank you for getting this knowledge out there.
Amazing Video thank you.
From a woman's perspective I can totally agree with everything you are saying about the attractive attributes in a Kind Confident Assertive Man 👏🏼
Well done - I hope this helps many
I'll certainly be sharing this with my son one day 💙
"Nice" like that means manipulation. He's overdoing it because he wants something in return, and if he doesn't get it he'll lash out, because he feels entitled to it.
I’m so nice that I friendzone myself. I wouldn’t want to burden a potential partner with my existence. Forever alone 🥲
@@Tabroski Well, that's an entirely different case than a guy acting nice out of manipulation. Maybe you could worki on healing your self-esteem with a therapist, someone who will listen to you without judgment and help you overcome that negative self talk?
You work because you want money in return. Is this also a manipulation?
@@Dmitrij-nl3sc There's a contract that says I will get money in exchange for my work. Where is the contract that says you'll get a woman's attention in exchange for acting nice? The truth is, you are not owed anything by acting nice - nothing at all.
@@VampyressVAno those go hand in hand. Someone who "tries not to burden other people" is just as narcissistic
crazy how you have understand everything, good job
I realized this myself.
I desperately tried to hold on to a relationship with an avoidant woman, always took the blame myself, always accommodated her, to extreme expense to myself.
Over the course of this relationship, I had a lot of rapid self-actualization and development. A few days ago I finally realized what it meant to be strong after some intense reflection. That to be strong did not mean to pause my life for hers. Only once I got over my fear of losing her, was I able to really start getting everything on the table, and establish open communication without fear.
Even now, I don’t know if things will work out, but I know I’m going to be more assertive, and value myself as well as her.
I love her, she’s so important to me, but I can’t continue to push myself past a breaking point. It’s not healthy for either of us.
Self-advocacy while maintaining cognizance and avoiding invalidating the other person is hard, but it’s something I’m so grateful to have been able to learn.
Thank you sooo much dear Jimmy
Well said as always
I just listened to this twice and I have to say points were made respectfully...
We love you Jimmy, this is awesome - gonna have to watch a couple times to divide the flips, but well worth listening to many times. Great goals. love the comparisonn !!!!
I am this guy. I am always too quick to express my feelings. I try to avoid conflict, and I end up in relationships that do not satisfy me , because I haven’t put myself first until the relationship is predicated on the subordinacy of my feelings and needs. I am aware that I do this. And I do it because I don’t believe that women will want me if I am more selfish. So I know what I do and why, but not how to fix it.
All changes begin with conscious effort man, believe me, i've been there. I could give you some tips if you wanna apply them
First is having a reminder which you can acces to easily. Could be on the phone screen or a note that you could revisit. This could contain something that reminds you the things you want or don't want in your life. For example, i wanna make myself heard in this relationship, and for that you'll need to atleast take the first step KNOWING that its your decision, because you have just read that if you dont to dad, you'll end up in an unsatisfying marriage, you'll not feel good and probably your partner isnt realky going to help at all
Second is, when you see the opportunity for action, take it. Thats why you should have that list of things you dont want to live or experience, if you get that into your mind, you'll begin to act accordingly to what you do want, and start avoiding people and situations that dont help to you.
Hopefully it helps you man. It has worked for me.
Note: every relationship must require some effort and sometimes being uncomfortable, nothing that is worth of something is free. Make sure that whatever effort you put in, has the purpose of feeling better in the relationship, not just evading it because that just prolongs the bad feelings. Good luck in your path
Thank you, reciprocated actions based on values hurts both sides.
Wonderful work.
Ive been through a couple of transitionary periods in my life where Im desperately lonely and when trying to integrate get aggressively nice trying to make anyone like me. It tends to cause problems, especially with women. I genuinely expect nothing in return and eventually figure that out but it always comes from a place of such darkness that im desperately grasping for any connection
I’ve been seeing more of your stuff lately and it’s really nice as a guy to have some healthy people to get this sort of advice from. Especially relationship stuff from a male perspective - I feel like so often when I seek perspective it’s always a really toxic view presented to men. Thanks for having really solid advice for us guys that also highlights our own roles in why things might be hard or whatever. Keen to watch more stuff and hopefully find help with things from a healthy perspective
brilliant! love the show! and love the funny shorts you do! amd huge congrats for getting to the million subscribers!! well deserved!!
My man, this was very appreciated and very needed for me.
Thank you for putting out this kind of positive content more of us need to hear
A mentor of mine died today, she was a fantastic teacher beyond just music, and I am going to miss her dearly.
I took some time to open up to some friends at work, and I just wanted to say this was a message I needed.
Thank you for making this video, it was very enlightening to hear and reference a lot of my own behaviours. Nail on the head about 1st woman being narcissistic and me allowing that, Also recently dating with another saying there wasn't a spark.. Lots to reflect on here
It's similar to having a strong father figure who teaches you and keeps you safe by establishing clear boundaries and enforcing them in a fair & just way. Women want a man who is protective in all ways.
Very well put sir, as always. Healing and getting to know ourselves is so important. Figuring out our needs, wants, and desires and then when another healed person comes along they become a power couple. Hopefully I'll have that chance some day.
Nice guys suppress their needs until they blow up, it's like living around a volcano, they provide really good soil for plants every day until the top of the volcano destroys the village it's frightening. I lived with the nice woman as my female parent, repeating that with a nice man isn't something I wanted.
Totally agree.
What if their needs are denied by others?
Like that analogy
@Dmitrij-nl3sc My cousin thought that before with his mother. She started to call him on his days off for a lot of errands until he blew up at me about it. He started to feel used, but had casually told her "family helps family," and expected her to have the same limits on that trite phase as he did. I told him to ask if a task was a one time need or a permanent one and they agreed on a schedule. The other thing he was annoyed about was not getting help back, when he would present his troubles as a to do list he was in the middle of and had handled, instead of asking for help because he didn't want to be inconvenient, and no one got the hint. You can suppress your own needs through insecurity, be dealing with someone nasty that you still choose to engage with, or be miscommunicating.
“And makes them laugh” 😂🙌🏼👍🏼
I agree. But I think women often confuse flexibility with doormat behaviour too. Wise people know not every fight is worth picking. It is unwise women who like being disagreed with specifically because they are being disagreed with.
True. I think as he mentioned, the point is to recognize women who have those red flags, and leaveeee!! It’s hard, but hopefully we all find healthy people!
This is me, I am bothered by very little in life and my wife seems to be bothered by quite a lot. It makes more sense to just do things her way when I really don’t care either way.
0:34 This is the point you hit my bottom of the ❤ By the experience I agreed 1000% with you
I feel like the nice guy definition was changed. The original nice guy was just a guy whose approach to attracting women was to be cordial, giving her space and fostering a good relationship vs overly aggressive, dismissive, pushing her before she’s ready, and not caring about her.
So true! Now it seems like it's the other way around!
Of course they changed the definition, because these people literally do not like nice/good people.
Wow Jimmy I really enjoy your videos! This one really hit the nail on the head! Hopefully lots of men and women in the world are learning from your video's! They're awesome!! 😊💖😇💞☯️🙏.
If nice means fake. if nice means I want a medal for not being myself. I'm attracted to guys who are decent and fair and who don't want to hurt other people.
Check a dictionary. Nice does not mean fake.
@@francikoen It does to the majority of women unfortunately idk some guy probably hurt them in middle school so now they don't like guys who are genuinely nice at first. Gotta play their game or be single forever.
Preach darlinggg
a friend told me that there is a difference between nice & kind, and that it is better to be kind.
i think he means that nice is about expectation and [to a degree] sacrifice, and so it can be used to manipulate (creating a transactional dynamic)
but kindness is directly from the heart. end of story.
at least, that's what i got from what he said😅
@@GUNS4MIKE1234 No, it does not apply to the majority of women. You are a typical weak ego male, who demeans women, in a vain attempt to pump up your flaccid ego.
Thank you so much! Sharing this with so great guys that I care about. This was good for me al well, ladies suffer from a lot of these traits too. 😊