@jtl9283 that works for me now, but it was tough when i was younger. Im just kinda immature, having expectations my friends dont agree with, telling me to loosen up. Now that they are all married and not accepting bs and only wants a kind gentleman, they are more on the same page with standards. None of the husbands and bf are perfect though. They all have their worries. Infidelity, poor, etc.
YES. We all forget details, after the events. No-one carries around a diary. Or remembers things with total clarity. Sending yourself a text message, leaves a paper trail for yourself, so that you can come back to it, and have a more accurate and deeper reflection. It's not just for relationships. Do this for work. There are toxic people all around us, and they can have an affect on our livelihood wether its money, career, love, or relationships. Keeping tabs is usually frowned upon by narcissistic people, they loathe accountability.
😂it’s truly nuts 🎉the most offensive cannot possibly be thick skinned as we’ve been prone to 5:28 withstand the offense yet the smallest thing 5:48 takes them to such shock and 6:26 well that’s just hilarious ❤ 6:39 ❤I’ve found humor to be one helpful tool
If someone stuffs you off, ignores you, makes bs excuses. It does not matter if they are a narcissist or not. Don’t tolerate that behaviour. Boundaries within yourself are all that matter. No I will not tolerate this. Yes I choose myself!
The first person a narcissist lies to is themselves. They'll convince themselves of wild stuff and when they run into reality, delivered by you, they get mad. It's akin to telling someone their god isn't real. They are their own god in their head (in control), and when you tell them they're a regular flawed person they can't deal.
Indeed. Mine was breadcrumbing me and when I asked her if she was still on dinner, which she said she was gonna take me to for my birthday, she blamed me for the lack of communication despite her barely giving me any and then broke up with me right before my birthday party and blamed me for everything.
The intermittent reinforcement that is breadcrumbing creates a kind of addiction that makes it even harder to break free and then recover. But breaking free and recovering IS possible.
These videos have brought me out of the fog of my toxic marriage. I never saw the patterns of our fights and seeing the signs of him being a narcissist and avoidant has opened my eyes.
I will say, when listening to people, I will say that there's a difference between "that's nothing, I've been through worse" and using your past experiences to relate with somebody over similarities while also acknowledging differences.
I think there are more people out there that are emotionally immature than are clinical narcissists. And NPD takes a trained clinician to diagnose. Emotionally immature people are very damaging and destructive.. and have most of the stereotypical features of NPD…
Agree that there are people using this word lightly, for anybody that they felt offended by, and there also are a lot of people demonstrating the traits, especially immature people. But narcs are also adept at getting under the radar of a qualified therapist. They see the doctor for a one hour session and can totally charm doc into believing their partner is the problem. A person can have multiple doctorates in psychology and related subjects, but it's still not the same as having life experience. You know a narc after having lived with them. They make life impossible. When you know you know. The likelihood of a narc going in to a therapist to achieve his/her diagnosis of NPD, is virtually zero, laughable actually, due to the very nature of the disorder. The first person to discover this thing experienced it in real life first, before being able to write the very first dissertation or thesis. I wonder how long they weren't taken seriously too. Question of what came first, the chicken or the egg.
Absolutely. It’s a popular teaching currently coming to light about narcissist qualities- listen to all the experts on it. They don’t want it to become something we just willingly throw around. Some people have narcissistic _ traits _ and emotional immaturity. They’d probably be willing to grow. But we have to recognize how we feel.
@ my mom is emotionally immature and not willing to change… she has a lot of NPD/BPD traits but hasn’t been diagnosed. Every time I think she’s changed it’s really just a trap… grrrrrr… But she’s not diagnosed so I’m not willing to call her a personality disorder
After getting out of a terrible one-sided relationship, single feels so much better. ❤ being with someone who didn't understand me, see me, or hear me was absolutely more lonely than being single.
I would bring up situations in our relationship that I was depressed and unhappy in our relationship it would usually turn into "What about me?" or "How do you think I feel?" She was always good at deflecting.
I also noticed on dates with narcissists and even before, the questions they ask always revolve around them and how you fit into their lives. It feels like I am at a job interview trying to “earn” the reward of their attention. I’m adverse to it now that I have gone through my healing, but I have fallen into the trap too many times. If they are not genuinely trying to get to know you for the sake of a genuine connection and are “interviewing” then I suggest you run.
I got love bombed in the beginning and I also got love bombed when I was packing my bags and also when I did leave and the person who wanted me back. They sure know how to put on the charm when they've lost you or are just about to
"Single isn't alone. Single is single. You need to have a rich life separate from a relationship. Being in a relationship isn't where your value is found." SO MUCH THIS!!! My brother has finally found someone and they've been together nearly two years now, for the first time in his 40 years of life. My father made a joke about how he 'finally has a life now' and my brother was rightfully pissed. Can you imagine your entire life's story so far, 40 years of it, invalidated and reduced to nothing just because you didn't have some kind of stable romantic relationship dotted throughout? That the experiences, the trials, the successes, and relationships you had outside of the romantic meant nothing or didn't amount to anything until you 'got a girlfriend'???
A couple of days ago, I was honest with my co-parent about how he was a taker in our relationship. He turned it around to say that I was, etc. I stopped the whole thing by texting, "You're right about everything. I'm to blame for everything 🙏🏻" He knows I am done arguing. Now he won't communicate with me in any way. What a blessing! And I can still call our son directly. ❤🎉
I got a masters degree with some parts psychology in it and I'm in my thirties and still got manipulated, gaslit and didnt feel like myself anymore after serveral months, they are mad clever at hiding their schemes, it's not your fault.
I was well into adulthood, overall pretty mature with my life pretty together and I still lost 20 years! Give yourself grace, they are just VERY broken people!
Mine's the opposite. I was older than him. I didn't know about these things (narcissism, lovebomb...). I thought I knew what I was getting into. Now we have broken up. He initiated it. And we are in no contact. I still feel myself wanting to get back together with him but I know I'm doing well each day...
An autistic or neurodivergent person *might* say "Oh I had trauma/bad day/bad experience too!". Check the other flags. Neurodivergent people tell similar bad stories as a way of saying "I have experienced this as well and I understand and empathize with you". We don't get social cues the same way, but we do care. :) And for those neurodivergents watching, PAY ATTENTION. Autistic people are VERY vulnerable to narcissistic abuse! It's not called "autistic mate crime" for nothing!
Huh. I've never heard this, and it makes sooo much sense. I always felt like I attract narsscissts and didn't know what the reason was. But this explains a lot. Thank you for sharing this comment. ❤
Yes. I'm late diagnosed autistic, and I've only ever attracted narcissists and toxic people. I'm easy to use and betray. So, now I'm working on my attachment style and not dating again anytime soon. If ever. Going through a divorce from a narc, right now, and it's the worst thing I've ever gone through.
This was something I was debating raising myself. Folks in the Neurospicy space can also unintentionally trigger a lot of these flags because we process stuff differently. One thing I've observed in my personal experience (AuDHD and wife is AuDHD as well) is that when you communicate that the way somehting was said felt a certain way, we will shift that communication style instantly.
Just a reminder that at the core of narcissism is *not* excessive self-love and esteem but the opposite. All narcissists have deep rooted self hatred and the worst self esteem. While I wouldn’t say they are “bad people” or go into finding people with malicious intent, to them they genuinely believe they are unable and incapable to feel good about and validate themselves-hence why they look for others for that supply of esteem and validation. In other words, they are too caught up in finding their “magical elixir” that they don’t care who they hurt or what they have to do to get their fix. Unbeknownst to them, that magical elixir is already in their possession but they *choose* not to see it- and you can’t make them see it either.
There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help. Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally I hired a private detective *MetaspyHub@gmail. com* Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
Thank you for this great video! I have realized only 5 years ago that I was brought up by a narcissistic mother who was ALWAYS right and I was always wromg. I have been critisized my whole life by her even about the way I walk. I did not know anything about narcissism until I was 50 years and had had a relationship with a narcissist and a friendship. They were all different. The one who love bombed me I thought he was the one and I married him, what a bad mistake. I really had to learn the hard way about narcissism, but now I recognize them and see through their lies and and manipulation. But I have to admit there are a lot of selfish men out there who only like to talk about themselves and as soon as I see this pattern and they are not interested in me I am done! I have said to a man on a first date : "do you recognize that you have been talking for 2 hours about yourself and did not ask me anything? "Then I paid my bill and left. I do not spend more time on them. I have developped myself and learnt to love myself and respect myself. Respect is huge in any connection and Iearn a lot about your video' s about narcissism and I love the humoristic role playing video's as well! Thank you for bringing awareness about this huge topic in society as the world is full of narcissism nowadays and I do not put up with that anymore! I rather be by myself in peace and harmony!
my first video of yours, I subscribed. I'm gonna call out one thing, narcissists absolutely always tell half truths. It takes a while to discover this unfortunately, but they are not capable of intimacy and they like the control that keeping secrets and knowing secret stuff provides. Narcissists will always lie to you, usually by omission. They will leave out important details to skew what really happened and how you think of it. Once you detect this, it's a huge huge red flag. Don't ignore that, and consider talking about that in your other videos if you haven't already.
Language is one of the greatest tools. Do not let them control reality. “Your dad always knew you better.” = I never spent time with you or got to know you as a person and I use pleasant sounding words to rewrite history to think it was a good thing I neglected my son.
It’s absolutely crazy to me that the one time I felt like I had truly met my perfect match and “soul mate” the relationship where I felt seen, heard and validated for the first time…he was just a narcissist. It truly makes me believe that this type of love doesn’t actually exist.
The video explains how narcissists manipulate relationships through love bombing, gaslighting, and control. They resist boundaries, play the victim, and use your vulnerabilities against you. Protect yourself by trusting your intuition, setting boundaries, and not reacting to their games. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and accountability.
This is so true about boundaries. I told my ex I did not want to have sex because I was still a virgin. I was raped because he chose to not respect my boundary. The oxytocin made it further confusing. Remember your boundaries are for YOU and they need to be respected at all times. I felt the loneliest in an abusive marriage where I experience marital rape. Gross human beings.
Its always good to hear Jimmy. I like how he says these things. He cares about people. Ive been abandoned by one now both sisters, for no good reason. When it pops up for me, I need remind myself: I did nothing to deserve that. Like he says : They would never let you treat THEM that way.
I was dating someone who grabbed my hand and hit himself with it (This happened multiple times). He was "playfully" acting like I hurt him by moving my hand, and hitting himself. He then said, "oww, why do you keep hurting me?" I should have known that was a red flag, even if he was just playing the victim. At one point, I did tell him how his actions hurt me (on something else, when he pushed me past my boundaries) and he said he never meant to be "that guy." He never apologized. Later on, maybe a week later. He did the same thing that hurt me in the first place. Now he is my ex, and we work together. I can tell he is acting like a victim, like a puppy. He's purposely ignoring me to try to get me back. It is killing me trying to stay away because I feel like I'm withdrawing from an addiction.
After mine, I never dated again. 20 years ago. I didn't trust myself to not be fooled again. Also had a covert narc mother, which never helped me self esteem (so of course, even crumbs of attention worked). I didn't learn about narcissism or psychopathy until the break up. I didn't even know my mother was covert narc until recently. The emotional blackmail, triangulation, tantrums all confirmed it.
Thank you, Jimmy! This has been more helpful for me than the 5000 other videos I have watched on Narcissism. I left my 21 year marriage over 3 years ago and haven’t wanted to date since. I think that is because I’m afraid of the same thing happening and I could get sucked in by the love bombing. For you to simply say that it’s impossible to see the difference between love bombing from a narcissist, and the average person was really such a relief! Seems like such a simple point to make, but nobody else is saying it. It made me think back to the first time my ex-husband let the mask slip. At that point, he was already living with me, I would’ve had to kick him out and as a sensitive empath, that wasn’t going to happen at that point “all he had done for me”. Living together too soon was where I made a wrong turn. Thank you so so much for helping me understand that.
@@sarahhoffman7840 same here. 17 years finally kicking him out in September. Working to finalize divorce. I’m so much happier and feel like myself again.
@@georgeshomodi3498 agreed, that would be normal to me too. It was sooner than that for various reasons. He wasn’t a homeless unemployed person or anything like that, very financially successful, but it “made sense” at the time. 😣
My question is - how do you learn to trust yourself after years of being told you’re the problem and sustaining narcissistic abuse? Even with the cold hard facts, I still question everything I feel and can’t seem to allow myself to believe that I’m not the issue anymore.
I think there is a fine but huge difference between being dominant - toxic, disrespectful and mean on purpose or feel a legitimate disappointment towards your partner with accusations and an analysis of immature behavior that you hold against your partner at some point in the conversation. If your bf promised 100000x to do something, and he let's you down in a lot of ways, you can honestly tell him into his face what you think this behaviour is for you, without being the "toxic one". Because many "victim narcissist" gaslight you and turn the tables when you hold them accountable and play the victim and make you the bad person just because you tell them off about their hurtful behavior. Many outsiders fall for this twist when narcissists tell them their heartbreaking version of lies.
"If an apology is not met with changed behavior, then it's either manipulation, or that person simply isn't able to or interested in changing anything about their behavior." Jeez. I adore your channel but I have an additional, or potential alternate view based on my own experience. It could be they're truly giving it everything they have, but they simply lack the tools, and self knowledge, self talk, and self parenting required to successfully permanently make the changes they truly do WANT TO make for you. My ex "tried and tried to get through to me" (both of us likely fearful/ disorganized), and literally left a 5+ year relationship because neither of us had firm boundary talk and healthy (and relatively simple) boundary tools and bonding tools. Either way, I guess I would have found this aspect of your channel years ago. Keep it up - you are literally doing God's work. Namaste. 🙇♂️ ❤❤
It's not another take in all honesty, but it's good to hear your story of an attachment disorder and someone who has not healed from it. What's your describing is someone who is not NPD but has an attachment disorder which Jimmy often talks about here on his channel.
Yep. Nobody's perfect and it's inevitable to f up sometimes. But the most elaborate apologies are worthless if absolutely nothing is done to address the issue.
Not arguing with you. Just telling the world that if they apologize and never change then they are manipulating you or are incapable of change. Avoidants are manipulating reality too to avoid interaction, aka change.
@@kilianwilhelm8238 I know and thank you. It takes a lot of courage to make such a change giving everything up but it’s worth my peace of mind and tranquility.
Thank you for acknowledging that we are forever changed by these relationships and like someone who can walk but maybe not ever run again. That really resonated for me and felt reassuring in a really sad kind of way. The world feels less safe now after knowing him but knowing his kind is out there makes me better able to protect myself. Never again.
You don't get the empathy that you give and when your empathy includes your experience or offering solutions, it's turned on you and they say "this isn't about you" because they're not looking for solutions, they're looking to complain. And don't you dare need empathy yourself, because you'll get "you're such a victim" which you never said to them about any of their struggles, you empathize with their struggles and their gains but it's never reciprocated
My covert narc husband is always the victim of actions he creates. He accused me of "hitting" him when I put my hand on his back and asked him to move forward because he had stopped at an entryway blocking myself and other people from getting in. I was in shock at the manipulation which of course put me on the defensive (what he wanted all along).
I was dating someone who grabbed my hand and hit himself with it (This happened multiple times). He was "playfully" acting like I hurt him by moving my hand, and hitting himself. He then said, "oww, why do you keep hurting me?" I should have known that was a red flag, even if he was just playing the victim. At one point, I did tell him how his actions hurt me (on something else, when he pushed me past my boundaries) and he said he never meant to be "that guy." He never apologized. Later on, maybe a week later. He did the same thing that hurt me in the first place. Now he is my ex, and we work together. I can tell he is acting like a victim, like a puppy. He's purposely ignoring me to try to get me back. It is killing me trying to stay away because I feel like I'm withdrawing from an addiction.
Indeed. My narcissistic ex's mask came off when she tried guilt tripping me for "leaving her" when I was going home at 10 PM when I was tired and had work the next morning. Yes, WORK. This was after spending the whole weekend with her and I was gonna see her 2 days later. She pulled the same BS 2 days later when I came to her other side of the family's christmas celebration and continued guilt tripping me because I couldn't spend the night as I had my own family christmas the next morning and had to get my my family's gifts and be ready by 830 am. According to her, I'm her bf and should stay over more, when I was already spending the night 1-2 times a week. She also said that if I'm at her house, it's assumed that I'm automatically spending the night. She also expected me to initiate sex without her saying anything. I told her that needs to be communicated. She then said, no it should just happen naturally and if we had a better connection, you'd know when to have sex without me saying anything and it's your fault. Yeah...no thanks. That almost sounds like entrapment into being a rapist or sexual predator.
Excellent content Jimmy ... Excellent. Healthy relationships are ALWAYS about mutual respect. Period. The enemy of our souls always, always starts with CONFUSION and builds from there. Do NOT second guess yourself! Take people at face value and not their potential. Listen .. and more importantly, OBEY that still small voice within because that IS God trying to guide and protect you! When people SHOW you WHO they are ... Believe them! 🙌🕊️🕊️
These points you made sound so familiar, Jimmy. My rat-bastard of an ex-husband was clinically diagnosed borderline, but he really had a lot of narcissistic features.
very good video! I remember a very short relationship I had a few years ago. The guy bought me a 55" tv in the first week. I told him, "I don't like this. I am not the kind of person who can be bought. I don't want you buying me lavish gifts. You don't even know if you like me yet." He took that as a sign to buy me a washer and dryer next. I admit, I accepted that, but it definitely put me on notice. A few weeks later, he was demanding that I cover my ex husband's name. lmao! Needless to say, we broke up. I refuse to let anyone tell me what to do with my body.
I've had to discover these techniques by trial and error throughout my childhood. Now I'm 25, and I've learned not to take the bait. I'm constantly practicing how to have healthy relationships with friends, mentors, co-workers, parents, and siblings since my ingrained programming is toward co-dependency and self-sacrifice to make relationships "work". I started my awakening at 14 when my brother passed, and it's been a slow, arduous journey to get to a place where I'm comfortable being myself in safe spaces and know how to protect my energy from people who don't have my best interests in mind. One really huge plus is that all these red flags give me a terrible feeling in my stomach, making it impossible to ignore. Thank you for the insights and reaffirming words. Thank you for the work that you do; know that it is making a difference in at least one person's life. Judging from the comments, I would have to say many people's lives. Thank you ❤
A sure sign of whether a relationship was good for me or not was always to see how both partners felt. Do they feel safe with each other, relaxed, do they enjoy seeing friends, do they enjoy hobbies, do they generally enjoy life? Are they interested in each other? Do they stay together even when things get difficult? But above all: How do I feel when I'm with someone? Do I feel strong and beautiful or do I feel small and weak?
the girl i was just recently with (got out of there, finally) would go out of her way to buy me things in the beginning, then later would use the amount of money she’d spend against me. i’d try and pay her back and she’d say “just save up that money for a ring,” then at the end complained i didn’t pay her back. lol
THANK YOU for the video! It brought up some NOT so great memories, but it also brought up how GRATEFUL I am for God LITERALLY getting me FREE from it (nothing short of a miracle) Now (over a decade later) I'm in a relationship where Neither of us EVER thought we'd be in a relationship again. We NOW know what a healthy, loving 1 looks/feels like 💗 THANK YOU again!
the hardest part is trying to get out when you know and see all of these signs. been trying to fully detach for over two years, after the first 6 months blew up with toxicity after all the lovebombing happened
I never lash out. In my relationship with a narc I didn’t react. I always saw they were mad I never reacted. I was used to a mother with narc traits so knew to not react when someone else is overreacting or yelling or accusing or love bombing. You stay calm and listen. You watch. They told me multiple times that they were mad I never reacted. But would then tell me how glad they were I never reacted. I was their verbal punching bag. Thank goodness my self respect woke up and realized it’s not my responsibility to be a punching bag for someone else even if they are suffering.
Taking time meaning 1 to 2 years (this is the time to communicate your boundaries and limits to the other person ) Narcissists want you in 1 to 3 weeks or 1 to 3 months ! Hint - Narcissists can’t wait 1 to 2 years !
They picks fights with you and it's always your fault. They can see a reactive person from a mile away and see it as a game and a way to get attention and they play with that person's emotions. I once knew this charming charismatic guy, a friend that I had known for a decade; who would always fake dating me, then disappear ''because of his work'', and re-appear, only to hoover me with ''you're the only woman I would ever consider marrying'', (carrot dangling), plus to ask for money for his mom's health problems and resolving other sad stories. This went on until I saw him with another girl and realized through the pain, that something was really off about this guy, but had already become trauma bonded, and always felt I had to help him and rescue him, (he had had a really rough childhood). The second time he tried that fight provocation, I asked him very calmly if he was looking for negative attention. What ensued were intense rage fits. Yelling loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear, door slamming, threw the dog, etcetc. (all by himself too, I'd just look on). Would have been ridiculous if it weren't scary because he's a trained fighter, vs a woman. I hadn't known anything about npd at the time, or what saying that could cause, but it's better to grey rock, than let on / do anthing like demasking them. If you can, move away as far as possible and cut all ties.
In some cases your defiance and boundaries are a challenge to them and then the love bombing or at least acting normal, loving and kind, is being used. Everything you describe is so on point! Love this video, like all your other videos. Thank you.
Here's how you start. Start with your extremely harsh inner voice, that only always bashes & puts yourself down. Observe yourself without being reactive. Say whim Hoff breathing the part no one talks about. It allows you to lay there un reactive with air out of your lungs & you purposely don't inhale. & you feel tingly or panicked. Let it do what is does. You become tolerant & non reactive you sit in it. Same with emotions stop reacting to instant default of panic & dred dispar. & start asking yourself, am I responding or reacting? Observe pay attention, be consistent. Now please attack me. Tell me how I'm wrong? Only those of you who have done this to it's end outcome. Can attack. They won't they'll agree. And so very importantly be gentle & kind to yourself & it must be done for yourself not for someone else. That gives you an excuse to blame & quit. I used to think two broken people can come together & heal. Shows how foolish I was. Two whole people that choose to come together & work together. Avoid extra self inflicted pain, keep your pants on & hands to yourself. Figure out if you are still fishing & eating from a public toilet. Your welcome
Insanely my narcissistic (and I’m also pretty sure closeted gay…) boyfriend would never tell me when he had plans to go out of town on trips with other men etc… Until the last minute then flip out! But even if I did know in advance, HE would cause some sort of argument/issue before he left so he could storm off on the trip and act like I tried to ruin it for him to other people… I’m convinced he did this so he felt some sort of validation to cheat on me and not have contact with me throughout the trip. It wasn’t validation in the eyes of our counselor or anyone we knew who is sane…
Are these narcissistic traits? Im special needs. Im trying to piece this together. 1. Emotional Manipulation • Gaslighting and manipulation: Making me question your reality 2. Lack of Accountability • Refusal to take responsibility: Not owning up to harmful actions 3. Invalidating Feelings • Disregarding my feelings: Not acknowledging my emotions 4. Blame Shifting • Blaming me for their behavior: Creating an imbalance in responsibility 5. Isolation Tactics • Isolation after a breakup: Cutting off social connections . Completely severing the relationship can be a way to assert dominance or control. It’s a clear message that they are done with you and will not engage further. Deleting Social Media: This action can serve several purposes. It might be a way to avoid being confronted or held accountable for their behavior. It can also be a form of control, as it limits your ability to reach out or communicate with them 6. Involving Others Unnecessarily • Involving parents instead of taking accountability: Diverting the focus from their actions 7. Compulsory Apologies • Feeling compelled to apologize: Taking on responsibility for their feelings 8. Imbalance in Effort • Unequal investment in the relationship: me putting in more effort than they do 9. Short Temperament • Very short-tempered behavior: Creating a climate of fear and anxiety 10. Chronic Stress • Feeling stressed in the relationship: Ongoing stress affecting mental health 11. Lack of Support • Not considering my thoughts or feelings: A lack of mutual respect and understanding 12. Verbally abusive. At times they’re very inconsiderate about my feelings and if anything was brought up, they would start being verbally abusive start blaming me and gaslighting me. 13. We’re nicer around my family. Then when it was just me and them they were abusive. 14. Lack of empathy. Doesn’t care about others is very selfish. 15. Exploited me for my special needs. 16. When I met them they were very nice and charming 17. Entitled. Katy said she was tired of making time for me. 18. Jealous. Katy seemed very jealous of me. I explained to her that I spent lots of time and money to come see them. She said its very unfriendly mentioning money. 19. Gave me the silent treatment and shunned me.
Unbelievably I wandered into a fast, furious relationship with a narcissist last year. I say unbelievably because I had avoided a few others over the past few years and thought I was "savvy and immune". Nope. Fast forward after six months of increasingly controlling behavior and continual criticism, I had spent two weeks on the verge of a panic attack., Then when I just knew I had to get out, without easing into it at all, I broke it off suddenly. Was he sad? Did he cry? Did he want to know why? No. Instead he was PISSED. He gave me daggers, and in a harsh, staccato voice, up in my face, he strongly stated one last command, "Don't ever do this again to somebody else!" Yep, one last attempt at control. Whew. So glad I'm out. Jimmy, your video information is priceless. I've used much of what you've posted to help me understand what happened and begin to heal from six months of psychological manipulation and systematic devaluing.
Thanks Jimmy this video is much needed for people so that they can spot the red flags earlier on and learn from past mistakes? To avoid further heartbreak and disappointment in future connections! 😊💖🙏😊.
Almost 4yrs post narc, no contact. Excellent video. All of thi all of this may pertain to other kind of relationships. Took me 2 yrs to realise my neighbor is a major narc. I have set such good boundaries and not being around toxic crap!!!
There’s a new tactic narcissists use for manipulation. My narc ex sent me very beautiful messages and heartfelt apologies after abusive relationship. However I soon realized they were written by ai….It was another conformation that this person has no remorse for what he’s done to me. I’m glad I figured it out fast this time. Apparently narcs now use the help of ai to craft perfect messages for manipulation and gain of control. Stay safe out there.
that is one of the great advantages when you are in a long distance relationship like me, that you are actually forced to only be able to talk 75% of the time and get to know each other very well based on exchanging feelings and each other's past, shortcomings but also desires and you cannot rush into a certain unhealthy dynamic too quickly, but the biggest advantage but also test of this is being able to have patience for each other, sometimes for years, and a narcissist has already run away very fast 😛
He absolutely cannot stand it when nothing he does or says gets a reaction out of me anymore. I honestly don’t care. I have healed from his abuse and I have peace even with him floating around the periphery because we have a child together.
I think this also is the same advice for friendships and family as well. Many of us started out with family that had these tendencies which put us more at risk for then meeting and allowing these types in our life. At least I have anyway. There came a point when while I had low contact with my family, I looked around and realized that the majority of my friendships were not actual friends. They just took and took and took until I was so done. So I began just letting go or anyone who was toxic and began the long journey of only accepting people into my life who put the same energy into me as I did to them. Also, haven’t dated in years. Was way too comfortable with this kind of personality and expecting so much more and knowing and believing in my worth is an ongoing journey.
Hi Jimmy, thanks for your videos. You often say how difficult was to restore your relationship, would be so helpful to hear about forgiveness, second chances and restore a relationship on the ground of good things and willing to change the negatives.
Therapy hardly ever works with narcissists, and issues arise because they are purposely devaluing with the intent to discard, they are not interested in repairing the relationship.
I really wish I’d found your videos years ago, but I’m very happy I found them after everything was all said and done. You give me hope. Thank you! Also, I’m an unintended plant murderer, so I love seeing all your wife’s plants in the background. They’re just beautiful.
Honestly, nice to hear. But I give you a quick reminder. That is peak relationship handling. I come out of a life full of emotional trouble. Dysfunctionalty, Hoarder, Depression, vulnerable narcissicm, parentification, young adult ... if you never had somebody to rely on and learn correctly it's tough. If you're boundries and needs where downplayed to nothing. Than you develop a sence of "and this is all you can take"-mentallity. Which is really toxic. But on the other hand I expect some maturity. And people in my age are kindly spoken. Nothing but imposters.
Absolutely…I was married, in love for 21 yrs and we had a child together…w/o any warning, she literally changed personality in 1month, moved out in 3mo, began dating in 5mo & moved in with the guy in 8mo (3 mo before we signed our Divorce)…I am so happy now & at Peace w/o her….did not ever think I would experience this much less from her; we were very good friends before dating & marriage. 90% NC, parallel parenting, so Her loss❤️🩹
Mine blew up a few months into the relationship claiming I was "leaving her" when in reality I had to go home at 10 PM, despite spending the whole day and nearly the whole weekend with her, as I was tired and had work the next morning. Pulled the same bs again on Christmas Eve at 1 am when I told her I had to get up the next morning for my own family christmas and be ready for 830 am. According to her, I'm her bf and am supposed to stay over at her place more, even though I was 1-2 nights a week. Oh and apparently she complained that I didn't initiate sex more without her saying anything or doing anything and failing to do so meant there's "no connection". She ended up breaking up with me right before my birthday party via text and claiming it was my fault I didn't text her more despite her giving me breadcrumbs and I was supposed to read her mind.
Thank you again Jimmy. This is so beautifully articulated and exemplified. I recognize these signs I have seen in people. How many times did I also ask myself if I was embodying these as well. It is so challenging to recognize our own patterns, thoughts, behaviors, emotions. Let alone in others. I have found myself to be incredibly challenged in my relationship with my teenager daughter. I can definitely see some of these signs in her father and in her. The rock method is hard to do when you it’s needed in a relationship with your own child. I really appreciate your effort and dedication into sharing and elevating through your experience and gifts. Thank you Jimmy and everyone here for your love and support through this community .✨🤍🤗
Who else deals / has dealt with constant deflection via accusations that your healthy, boundary-enforcing complaints and [attempts to talk and build/repair connection] are you villainizing them?
I sent myself a text message every time there was a red flag. That way I could brace against gaslight and count the number of times I felt like sh*t
I talked to my friends every time there was a red flag. That's how I know Im not going crazy.
@jtl9283 that works for me now, but it was tough when i was younger. Im just kinda immature, having expectations my friends dont agree with, telling me to loosen up. Now that they are all married and not accepting bs and only wants a kind gentleman, they are more on the same page with standards. None of the husbands and bf are perfect though. They all have their worries. Infidelity, poor, etc.
Smart
I LOVE THAT! thank you!
YES.
We all forget details, after the events. No-one carries around a diary. Or remembers things with total clarity. Sending yourself a text message, leaves a paper trail for yourself, so that you can come back to it, and have a more accurate and deeper reflection.
It's not just for relationships. Do this for work. There are toxic people all around us, and they can have an affect on our livelihood wether its money, career, love, or relationships. Keeping tabs is usually frowned upon by narcissistic people, they loathe accountability.
He really didn't like it when I gave his same energy back to him.
This is exactly what I experienced too. Reflected that crap back unconsciously.
He called me a narc when I returned to him the emotional BS he gave to me. Def ended badly for me lol.
😂it’s truly nuts 🎉the most offensive cannot possibly be thick skinned as we’ve been prone to 5:28 withstand the offense yet the smallest thing 5:48 takes them to such shock and 6:26 well that’s just hilarious ❤ 6:39 ❤I’ve found humor to be one helpful tool
I have found the best way to deal with a narcissist is being passive then walking away from all his BS and never turning your head.
EXACTLY 💯
If someone stuffs you off, ignores you, makes bs excuses. It does not matter if they are a narcissist or not. Don’t tolerate that behaviour. Boundaries within yourself are all that matter. No I will not tolerate this. Yes I choose myself!
For sure 💯
THIS!!!!
When you give them a taste of their own medicine, their rage is a massive tellale sign! SeeyaLoozer!
The first person a narcissist lies to is themselves. They'll convince themselves of wild stuff and when they run into reality, delivered by you, they get mad. It's akin to telling someone their god isn't real. They are their own god in their head (in control), and when you tell them they're a regular flawed person they can't deal.
this video is so important! a narcissist definitely has the goal of control, not connection.
The gaslighting and then breadcrumbing is so diabolically destructive and painful
Indeed. Mine was breadcrumbing me and when I asked her if she was still on dinner, which she said she was gonna take me to for my birthday, she blamed me for the lack of communication despite her barely giving me any and then broke up with me right before my birthday party and blamed me for everything.
And unfortunately, it is often very effective. Intermittent reinforcement is the strongest kind.
The intermittent reinforcement that is breadcrumbing creates a kind of addiction that makes it even harder to break free and then recover. But breaking free and recovering IS possible.
And the worst are the mind games.
@ indeed. The mind games mess with you the most, especially when there's a shift in texting patterns.
These videos have brought me out of the fog of my toxic marriage. I never saw the patterns of our fights and seeing the signs of him being a narcissist and avoidant has opened my eyes.
I agree! It's literally weight lifting off my shoulders.
You nailed it!
I will say, when listening to people, I will say that there's a difference between "that's nothing, I've been through worse" and using your past experiences to relate with somebody over similarities while also acknowledging differences.
I think there are more people out there that are emotionally immature than are clinical narcissists. And NPD takes a trained clinician to diagnose. Emotionally immature people are very damaging and destructive.. and have most of the stereotypical features of NPD…
Agree that there are people using this word lightly, for anybody that they felt offended by, and there also are a lot of people demonstrating the traits, especially immature people. But narcs are also adept at getting under the radar of a qualified therapist. They see the doctor for a one hour session and can totally charm doc into believing their partner is the problem.
A person can have multiple doctorates in psychology and related subjects, but it's still not the same as having life experience. You know a narc after having lived with them. They make life impossible. When you know you know.
The likelihood of a narc going in to a therapist to achieve his/her diagnosis of NPD, is virtually zero, laughable actually, due to the very nature of the disorder.
The first person to discover this thing experienced it in real life first, before being able to write the very first dissertation or thesis. I wonder how long they weren't taken seriously too. Question of what came first, the chicken or the egg.
'Peter Pan Syndrome'. Not a clinical diagnosis but considered to have traits tightly linked to narcissism.
@ agree 100% they are great at going undetected
Absolutely. It’s a popular teaching currently coming to light about narcissist qualities- listen to all the experts on it. They don’t want it to become something we just willingly throw around. Some people have narcissistic _ traits _ and emotional immaturity. They’d probably be willing to grow. But we have to recognize how we feel.
@ my mom is emotionally immature and not willing to change… she has a lot of NPD/BPD traits but hasn’t been diagnosed. Every time I think she’s changed it’s really just a trap… grrrrrr…
But she’s not diagnosed so I’m not willing to call her a personality disorder
I always get love bombed but as time goes, you learn and gain experience and you get better each time in reading them.
Was the love bombing happening right from the beginning or later on? I've had both happen. The ones who do it immediately are easier to weed out.
After getting out of a terrible one-sided relationship, single feels so much better. ❤ being with someone who didn't understand me, see me, or hear me was absolutely more lonely than being single.
I would bring up situations in our relationship that I was depressed and unhappy in our relationship it would usually turn into "What about me?" or "How do you think I feel?" She was always good at deflecting.
Totally identify! I hate that.
They are ALWAYS the victim, ALWAYS!
I also noticed on dates with narcissists and even before, the questions they ask always revolve around them and how you fit into their lives. It feels like I am at a job interview trying to “earn” the reward of their attention.
I’m adverse to it now that I have gone through my healing, but I have fallen into the trap too many times. If they are not genuinely trying to get to know you for the sake of a genuine connection and are “interviewing” then I suggest you run.
Super point! Thanks for sharing that thought.
I got love bombed in the beginning and I also got love bombed when I was packing my bags and also when I did leave and the person who wanted me back. They sure know how to put on the charm when they've lost you or are just about to
"Single isn't alone. Single is single. You need to have a rich life separate from a relationship. Being in a relationship isn't where your value is found." SO MUCH THIS!!! My brother has finally found someone and they've been together nearly two years now, for the first time in his 40 years of life. My father made a joke about how he 'finally has a life now' and my brother was rightfully pissed. Can you imagine your entire life's story so far, 40 years of it, invalidated and reduced to nothing just because you didn't have some kind of stable romantic relationship dotted throughout? That the experiences, the trials, the successes, and relationships you had outside of the romantic meant nothing or didn't amount to anything until you 'got a girlfriend'???
A couple of days ago, I was honest with my co-parent about how he was a taker in our relationship. He turned it around to say that I was, etc. I stopped the whole thing by texting, "You're right about everything. I'm to blame for everything 🙏🏻" He knows I am done arguing. Now he won't communicate with me in any way. What a blessing! And I can still call our son directly. ❤🎉
9:07 ❤❤❤❤❤ 9:12 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉great points ❤ 9:26 ❤
They can dish it, but they can't take it.
Thinking back to the beginning the signs were all there but due to my young age and maturity level I didn’t leave the relationship for years !
Same! Compassion for ourselves!!!❤
Exactly the same. We didn’t know. I spent almost two years in that relationship
I got a masters degree with some parts psychology in it and I'm in my thirties and still got manipulated, gaslit and didnt feel like myself anymore after serveral months, they are mad clever at hiding their schemes, it's not your fault.
I was well into adulthood, overall pretty mature with my life pretty together and I still lost 20 years! Give yourself grace, they are just VERY broken people!
Mine's the opposite. I was older than him. I didn't know about these things (narcissism, lovebomb...). I thought I knew what I was getting into. Now we have broken up. He initiated it. And we are in no contact. I still feel myself wanting to get back together with him but I know I'm doing well each day...
An autistic or neurodivergent person *might* say "Oh I had trauma/bad day/bad experience too!". Check the other flags. Neurodivergent people tell similar bad stories as a way of saying "I have experienced this as well and I understand and empathize with you". We don't get social cues the same way, but we do care. :) And for those neurodivergents watching, PAY ATTENTION. Autistic people are VERY vulnerable to narcissistic abuse! It's not called "autistic mate crime" for nothing!
Huh. I've never heard this, and it makes sooo much sense. I always felt like I attract narsscissts and didn't know what the reason was. But this explains a lot. Thank you for sharing this comment. ❤
Thank you for sharing this comment ❤ I too never knew this. It makes a lot of sense to me as a asd person...I could never understand it.
Yes. I'm late diagnosed autistic, and I've only ever attracted narcissists and toxic people. I'm easy to use and betray. So, now I'm working on my attachment style and not dating again anytime soon. If ever. Going through a divorce from a narc, right now, and it's the worst thing I've ever gone through.
This was something I was debating raising myself. Folks in the Neurospicy space can also unintentionally trigger a lot of these flags because we process stuff differently.
One thing I've observed in my personal experience (AuDHD and wife is AuDHD as well) is that when you communicate that the way somehting was said felt a certain way, we will shift that communication style instantly.
Yeah. That was exactly my thought. :)
Just a reminder that at the core of narcissism is *not* excessive self-love and esteem but the opposite. All narcissists have deep rooted self hatred and the worst self esteem.
While I wouldn’t say they are “bad people” or go into finding people with malicious intent, to them they genuinely believe they are unable and incapable to feel good about and validate themselves-hence why they look for others for that supply of esteem and validation. In other words, they are too caught up in finding their “magical elixir” that they don’t care who they hurt or what they have to do to get their fix. Unbeknownst to them, that magical elixir is already in their possession but they *choose* not to see it- and you can’t make them see it either.
On point!
There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact.
The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help.
Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can.
Additionally I hired a private detective *MetaspyHub@gmail. com* Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
He has done everything you mentioned. He's gone now!
If you stay with one long enough they will make you toxic. Run!
It’s the on again and off again that kills me. It’s being abandoned then love bombing all over again.
My ex would say things to me while he was drunk and then suggest I was “remembering it wrong” 🥺
Same here!❤
Thank you for this great video! I have realized only 5 years ago that I was brought up by a narcissistic mother who was ALWAYS right and I was always wromg. I have been critisized my whole life by her even about the way I walk. I did not know anything about narcissism until I was 50 years and had had a relationship with a narcissist and a friendship. They were all different. The one who love bombed me I thought he was the one and I married him, what a bad mistake. I really had to learn the hard way about narcissism, but now I recognize them and see through their lies and and manipulation. But I have to admit there are a lot of selfish men out there who only like to talk about themselves and as soon as I see this pattern and they are not interested in me I am done! I have said to a man on a first date : "do you recognize that you have been talking for 2 hours about yourself and did not ask me anything? "Then I paid my bill and left. I do not spend more time on them. I have developped myself and learnt to love myself and respect myself. Respect is huge in any connection and Iearn a lot about your video' s about narcissism and I love the humoristic role playing video's as well! Thank you for bringing awareness about this huge topic in society as the world is full of narcissism nowadays and I do not put up with that anymore! I rather be by myself in peace and harmony!
my first video of yours, I subscribed. I'm gonna call out one thing, narcissists absolutely always tell half truths. It takes a while to discover this unfortunately, but they are not capable of intimacy and they like the control that keeping secrets and knowing secret stuff provides. Narcissists will always lie to you, usually by omission. They will leave out important details to skew what really happened and how you think of it. Once you detect this, it's a huge huge red flag. Don't ignore that, and consider talking about that in your other videos if you haven't already.
Language is one of the greatest tools. Do not let them control reality. “Your dad always knew you better.” = I never spent time with you or got to know you as a person and I use pleasant sounding words to rewrite history to think it was a good thing I neglected my son.
It’s absolutely crazy to me that the one time I felt like I had truly met my perfect match and “soul mate” the relationship where I felt seen, heard and validated for the first time…he was just a narcissist. It truly makes me believe that this type of love doesn’t actually exist.
This is so validating, thank you! I was with him for 5 years and never deserved his cruel treatment.
The video explains how narcissists manipulate relationships through love bombing, gaslighting, and control. They resist boundaries, play the victim, and use your vulnerabilities against you. Protect yourself by trusting your intuition, setting boundaries, and not reacting to their games. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and accountability.
Thank you for your videos, they are so very helpful
So kind of you :)
Thanks!
This is so true about boundaries. I told my ex I did not want to have sex because I was still a virgin. I was raped because he chose to not respect my boundary. The oxytocin made it further confusing. Remember your boundaries are for YOU and they need to be respected at all times. I felt the loneliest in an abusive marriage where I experience marital rape. Gross human beings.
Its always good to hear Jimmy. I like how he says these things. He cares about people. Ive been abandoned by one now both sisters, for no good reason. When it pops up for me, I need remind myself: I did nothing to deserve that. Like he says : They would never let you treat THEM that way.
I was dating someone who grabbed my hand and hit himself with it (This happened multiple times). He was "playfully" acting like I hurt him by moving my hand, and hitting himself. He then said, "oww, why do you keep hurting me?" I should have known that was a red flag, even if he was just playing the victim. At one point, I did tell him how his actions hurt me (on something else, when he pushed me past my boundaries) and he said he never meant to be "that guy." He never apologized. Later on, maybe a week later. He did the same thing that hurt me in the first place.
Now he is my ex, and we work together. I can tell he is acting like a victim, like a puppy. He's purposely ignoring me to try to get me back. It is killing me trying to stay away because I feel like I'm withdrawing from an addiction.
After mine, I never dated again. 20 years ago. I didn't trust myself to not be fooled again.
Also had a covert narc mother, which never helped me self esteem (so of course, even crumbs of attention worked).
I didn't learn about narcissism or psychopathy until the break up. I didn't even know my mother was covert narc until recently. The emotional blackmail, triangulation, tantrums all confirmed it.
Thank you, Jimmy! This has been more helpful for me than the 5000 other videos I have watched on Narcissism. I left my 21 year marriage over 3 years ago and haven’t wanted to date since. I think that is because I’m afraid of the same thing happening and I could get sucked in by the love bombing. For you to simply say that it’s impossible to see the difference between love bombing from a narcissist, and the average person was really such a relief! Seems like such a simple point to make, but nobody else is saying it. It made me think back to the first time my ex-husband let the mask slip. At that point, he was already living with me, I would’ve had to kick him out and as a sensitive empath, that wasn’t going to happen at that point “all he had done for me”. Living together too soon was where I made a wrong turn. Thank you so so much for helping me understand that.
Same here. My narc actually pressured me to move in after dating for 7 months. I should have known better.
@@sarahhoffman7840 same here. 17 years finally kicking him out in September. Working to finalize divorce. I’m so much happier and feel like myself again.
@@cyndimoring9389where are you from tho? It seems to me totally normal to live together after half a year or a year of dating
Would like a video on recovering after long term a narcissistic relationship.
@@georgeshomodi3498 agreed, that would be normal to me too. It was sooner than that for various reasons. He wasn’t a homeless unemployed person or anything like that, very financially successful, but it “made sense” at the time. 😣
This video is exactly right, I have experienced all of this, the only solution is to get away if we can.
These videos are triggering to me as they bring back horrific memories, but the education is invaluable. Thank you.
"You're worth more than any fight we had". Wow. What powerful words! Wonder what it would feel like to hear them...Jeep Flower Child
Brilliant, Jimmy; I love how you circled back to how we need to prioritize how we love and respect ourselves
My question is - how do you learn to trust yourself after years of being told you’re the problem and sustaining narcissistic abuse? Even with the cold hard facts, I still question everything I feel and can’t seem to allow myself to believe that I’m not the issue anymore.
I think there is a fine but huge difference between being dominant - toxic, disrespectful and mean on purpose or feel a legitimate disappointment towards your partner with accusations and an analysis of immature behavior that you hold against your partner at some point in the conversation. If your bf promised 100000x to do something, and he let's you down in a lot of ways, you can honestly tell him into his face what you think this behaviour is for you, without being the "toxic one". Because many "victim narcissist" gaslight you and turn the tables when you hold them accountable and play the victim and make you the bad person just because you tell them off about their hurtful behavior. Many outsiders fall for this twist when narcissists tell them their heartbreaking version of lies.
"If an apology is not met with changed behavior, then it's either manipulation, or that person simply isn't able to or interested in changing anything about their behavior." Jeez. I adore your channel but I have an additional, or potential alternate view based on my own experience. It could be they're truly giving it everything they have, but they simply lack the tools, and self knowledge, self talk, and self parenting required to successfully permanently make the changes they truly do WANT TO make for you. My ex "tried and tried to get through to me" (both of us likely fearful/ disorganized), and literally left a 5+ year relationship because neither of us had firm boundary talk and healthy (and relatively simple) boundary tools and bonding tools. Either way, I guess I would have found this aspect of your channel years ago. Keep it up - you are literally doing God's work. Namaste. 🙇♂️ ❤❤
It's not another take in all honesty, but it's good to hear your story of an attachment disorder and someone who has not healed from it. What's your describing is someone who is not NPD but has an attachment disorder which Jimmy often talks about here on his channel.
Yep. Nobody's perfect and it's inevitable to f up sometimes. But the most elaborate apologies are worthless if absolutely nothing is done to address the issue.
Not arguing with you. Just telling the world that if they apologize and never change then they are manipulating you or are incapable of change. Avoidants are manipulating reality too to avoid interaction, aka change.
17 years and I finally escaped
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
That’s a long time too endure such abuse, Im sorry you had to endure that for so long
Yes! Let the healing begin.
@@kilianwilhelm8238 I know and thank you. It takes a lot of courage to make such a change giving everything up but it’s worth my peace of mind and tranquility.
30 years Soni feel this.
Thank you for acknowledging that we are forever changed by these relationships and like someone who can walk but maybe not ever run again. That really resonated for me and felt reassuring in a really sad kind of way. The world feels less safe now after knowing him but knowing his kind is out there makes me better able to protect myself. Never again.
Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference. - Mark Twain
You don't get the empathy that you give and when your empathy includes your experience or offering solutions, it's turned on you and they say "this isn't about you" because they're not looking for solutions, they're looking to complain. And don't you dare need empathy yourself, because you'll get "you're such a victim" which you never said to them about any of their struggles, you empathize with their struggles and their gains but it's never reciprocated
My covert narc husband is always the victim of actions he creates. He accused me of "hitting" him when I put my hand on his back and asked him to move forward because he had stopped at an entryway blocking myself and other people from getting in. I was in shock at the manipulation which of course put me on the defensive (what he wanted all along).
I was dating someone who grabbed my hand and hit himself with it (This happened multiple times). He was "playfully" acting like I hurt him by moving my hand, and hitting himself. He then said, "oww, why do you keep hurting me?" I should have known that was a red flag, even if he was just playing the victim. At one point, I did tell him how his actions hurt me (on something else, when he pushed me past my boundaries) and he said he never meant to be "that guy." He never apologized. Later on, maybe a week later. He did the same thing that hurt me in the first place.
Now he is my ex, and we work together. I can tell he is acting like a victim, like a puppy. He's purposely ignoring me to try to get me back. It is killing me trying to stay away because I feel like I'm withdrawing from an addiction.
*It's pretty tough for an Alligator to keep up it's table-manners at Thanksgiving ... **_for very long_*
Friends should feel they safe enough to talk to each other. A solid romantic relationship should start as friends, shouldn't they??
If your boundaries are disrespected, they're not for you
Indeed. My narcissistic ex's mask came off when she tried guilt tripping me for "leaving her" when I was going home at 10 PM when I was tired and had work the next morning. Yes, WORK. This was after spending the whole weekend with her and I was gonna see her 2 days later. She pulled the same BS 2 days later when I came to her other side of the family's christmas celebration and continued guilt tripping me because I couldn't spend the night as I had my own family christmas the next morning and had to get my my family's gifts and be ready by 830 am. According to her, I'm her bf and should stay over more, when I was already spending the night 1-2 times a week. She also said that if I'm at her house, it's assumed that I'm automatically spending the night. She also expected me to initiate sex without her saying anything. I told her that needs to be communicated. She then said, no it should just happen naturally and if we had a better connection, you'd know when to have sex without me saying anything and it's your fault. Yeah...no thanks. That almost sounds like entrapment into being a rapist or sexual predator.
Excellent content Jimmy ...
Excellent. Healthy relationships are ALWAYS about mutual respect. Period.
The enemy of our souls always, always starts with CONFUSION and builds from there.
Do NOT second guess yourself! Take people at face value and not their potential. Listen .. and more importantly, OBEY that still small voice within because that IS God trying to guide and protect you!
When people SHOW you WHO they are ...
Believe them!
🙌🕊️🕊️
These narc signs apply to most all relationships, including neighbors and friends. They do the same stuff.
These points you made sound so familiar, Jimmy. My rat-bastard of an ex-husband was clinically diagnosed borderline, but he really had a lot of narcissistic features.
Narcissism is part of BPD.
Am sorry but rat-bastard made me laugh out loud. I apologise.
There's no reason to apologize. I'm glad you were able to laugh.
very good video! I remember a very short relationship I had a few years ago. The guy bought me a 55" tv in the first week. I told him, "I don't like this. I am not the kind of person who can be bought. I don't want you buying me lavish gifts. You don't even know if you like me yet." He took that as a sign to buy me a washer and dryer next. I admit, I accepted that, but it definitely put me on notice. A few weeks later, he was demanding that I cover my ex husband's name. lmao! Needless to say, we broke up. I refuse to let anyone tell me what to do with my body.
Same!
Hey, at least you got a bunch of free stuff out of it. Sounds like a win to me lol
I'd have had to keep the washer and dryer too. I'm not gonna lie.
I've had to discover these techniques by trial and error throughout my childhood. Now I'm 25, and I've learned not to take the bait. I'm constantly practicing how to have healthy relationships with friends, mentors, co-workers, parents, and siblings since my ingrained programming is toward co-dependency and self-sacrifice to make relationships "work". I started my awakening at 14 when my brother passed, and it's been a slow, arduous journey to get to a place where I'm comfortable being myself in safe spaces and know how to protect my energy from people who don't have my best interests in mind. One really huge plus is that all these red flags give me a terrible feeling in my stomach, making it impossible to ignore. Thank you for the insights and reaffirming words. Thank you for the work that you do; know that it is making a difference in at least one person's life. Judging from the comments, I would have to say many people's lives. Thank you ❤
A sure sign of whether a relationship was good for me or not was always to see how both partners felt. Do they feel safe with each other, relaxed, do they enjoy seeing friends, do they enjoy hobbies, do they generally enjoy life? Are they interested in each other? Do they stay together even when things get difficult?
But above all: How do I feel when I'm with someone? Do I feel strong and beautiful or do I feel small and weak?
the girl i was just recently with (got out of there, finally) would go out of her way to buy me things in the beginning, then later would use the amount of money she’d spend against me. i’d try and pay her back and she’d say “just save up that money for a ring,” then at the end complained i didn’t pay her back. lol
😂😂😂 witch lol
It was all about the control over you and the ring. You are so bloody lucky for getting out before you got too deep.
Thank you Jimmy for this insightful and very concise content!
THANK YOU for the video! It brought up some NOT so great memories, but it also brought up how GRATEFUL I am for God LITERALLY getting me FREE from it (nothing short of a miracle)
Now (over a decade later) I'm in a relationship where Neither of us EVER thought we'd be in a relationship again. We NOW know what a healthy, loving 1 looks/feels like 💗 THANK YOU again!
the hardest part is trying to get out when you know and see all of these signs. been trying to fully detach for over two years, after the first 6 months blew up with toxicity after all the lovebombing happened
I never lash out. In my relationship with a narc I didn’t react. I always saw they were mad I never reacted. I was used to a mother with narc traits so knew to not react when someone else is overreacting or yelling or accusing or love bombing. You stay calm and listen. You watch. They told me multiple times that they were mad I never reacted. But would then tell me how glad they were I never reacted. I was their verbal punching bag. Thank goodness my self respect woke up and realized it’s not my responsibility to be a punching bag for someone else even if they are suffering.
Taking time meaning 1 to 2 years (this is the time to communicate your boundaries and limits to the other person )
Narcissists want you in 1 to 3 weeks or 1 to 3 months !
Hint - Narcissists can’t wait 1 to 2 years !
They picks fights with you and it's always your fault. They can see a reactive person from a mile away and see it as a game and a way to get attention and they play with that person's emotions. I once knew this charming charismatic guy, a friend that I had known for a decade; who would always fake dating me, then disappear ''because of his work'', and re-appear, only to hoover me with ''you're the only woman I would ever consider marrying'', (carrot dangling), plus to ask for money for his mom's health problems and resolving other sad stories.
This went on until I saw him with another girl and realized through the pain, that something was really off about this guy, but had already become trauma bonded, and always felt I had to help him and rescue him, (he had had a really rough childhood).
The second time he tried that fight provocation, I asked him very calmly if he was looking for negative attention. What ensued were intense rage fits. Yelling loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear, door slamming, threw the dog, etcetc. (all by himself too, I'd just look on). Would have been ridiculous if it weren't scary because he's a trained fighter, vs a woman. I hadn't known anything about npd at the time, or what saying that could cause, but it's better to grey rock, than let on / do anthing like demasking them.
If you can, move away as far as possible and cut all ties.
In some cases your defiance and boundaries are a challenge to them and then the love bombing or at least acting normal, loving and kind, is being used.
Everything you describe is so on point!
Love this video, like all your other videos. Thank you.
That’s why I can’t even think about dating; five plus years solo
Here's how you start. Start with your extremely harsh inner voice, that only always bashes & puts yourself down. Observe yourself without being reactive. Say whim Hoff breathing the part no one talks about. It allows you to lay there un reactive with air out of your lungs & you purposely don't inhale.
& you feel tingly or panicked.
Let it do what is does. You become tolerant & non reactive you sit in it. Same with emotions stop reacting to instant default of panic & dred dispar. & start asking yourself, am I responding or reacting? Observe pay attention, be consistent.
Now please attack me. Tell me how I'm wrong? Only those of you who have done this to it's end outcome. Can attack. They won't they'll agree. And so very importantly be gentle & kind to yourself & it must be done for yourself not for someone else. That gives you an excuse to blame & quit. I used to think two broken people can come together & heal. Shows how foolish I was. Two whole people that choose to come together & work together. Avoid extra self inflicted pain, keep your pants on & hands to yourself.
Figure out if you are still fishing & eating from a public toilet. Your welcome
Underwent these. Painful experiences. But got good lessons.
Insanely my narcissistic (and I’m also pretty sure closeted gay…) boyfriend would never tell me when he had plans to go out of town on trips with other men etc… Until the last minute then flip out! But even if I did know in advance, HE would cause some sort of argument/issue before he left so he could storm off on the trip and act like I tried to ruin it for him to other people… I’m convinced he did this so he felt some sort of validation to cheat on me and not have contact with me throughout the trip. It wasn’t validation in the eyes of our counselor or anyone we knew who is sane…
He said I was his soulmate and made for him, but he treated me like a pawn when I am a Queen.
Are these narcissistic traits? Im special needs. Im trying to piece this together.
1. Emotional Manipulation
• Gaslighting and manipulation: Making me question your reality
2. Lack of Accountability
• Refusal to take responsibility: Not owning up to harmful actions
3. Invalidating Feelings
• Disregarding my feelings: Not acknowledging my emotions
4. Blame Shifting
• Blaming me for their behavior: Creating an imbalance in responsibility
5. Isolation Tactics
• Isolation after a breakup: Cutting off social connections . Completely severing the relationship can be a way to assert dominance or control. It’s a clear message that they are done with you and will not engage further. Deleting Social Media: This action can serve several purposes. It might be a way to avoid being confronted or held accountable for their behavior. It can also be a form of control, as it limits your ability to reach out or communicate with them
6. Involving Others Unnecessarily
• Involving parents instead of taking accountability: Diverting the focus from their actions
7. Compulsory Apologies
• Feeling compelled to apologize: Taking on responsibility for their feelings
8. Imbalance in Effort
• Unequal investment in the relationship: me putting in more effort than they do
9. Short Temperament
• Very short-tempered behavior: Creating a climate of fear and anxiety
10. Chronic Stress
• Feeling stressed in the relationship: Ongoing stress affecting mental health
11. Lack of Support
• Not considering my thoughts or feelings: A lack of mutual respect and understanding
12. Verbally abusive. At times they’re very inconsiderate about my feelings and if anything was brought up, they would start being verbally abusive start blaming me and gaslighting me.
13. We’re nicer around my family. Then when it was just me and them they were abusive.
14. Lack of empathy. Doesn’t care about others is very selfish.
15. Exploited me for my special needs.
16. When I met them they were very nice and charming
17. Entitled. Katy said she was tired of making time for me.
18. Jealous. Katy seemed very jealous of me. I explained to her that I spent lots of time and money to come see them. She said its very unfriendly mentioning money.
19. Gave me the silent treatment and shunned me.
Thanks, Jimmy. As a young man, this will help me, in my journey to find my wife. 😊
Same
This is so sweet of you! You will be successful and happy in love with such an open heart and mind🙏🏻❤️
Unbelievably I wandered into a fast, furious relationship with a narcissist last year. I say unbelievably because I had avoided a few others over the past few years and thought I was "savvy and immune". Nope. Fast forward after six months of increasingly controlling behavior and continual criticism, I had spent two weeks on the verge of a panic attack., Then when I just knew I had to get out, without easing into it at all, I broke it off suddenly. Was he sad? Did he cry? Did he want to know why? No. Instead he was PISSED. He gave me daggers, and in a harsh, staccato voice, up in my face, he strongly stated one last command, "Don't ever do this again to somebody else!" Yep, one last attempt at control. Whew. So glad I'm out. Jimmy, your video information is priceless. I've used much of what you've posted to help me understand what happened and begin to heal from six months of psychological manipulation and systematic devaluing.
This is exactly what I needed to hear! Amazing. Thank you for your empathy
Yes, the chronic confusion was very strange and draining.
Jimmy, you save lives.
Thanks Jimmy this video is much needed for people so that they can spot the red flags earlier on and learn from past mistakes? To avoid further heartbreak and disappointment in future connections! 😊💖🙏😊.
Almost 4yrs post narc, no contact. Excellent video. All of thi all of this may pertain to other kind of relationships. Took me 2 yrs to realise my neighbor is a major narc. I have set such good boundaries and not being around toxic crap!!!
Thank you for this ❤
There’s a new tactic narcissists use for manipulation. My narc ex sent me very beautiful messages and heartfelt apologies after abusive relationship. However I soon realized they were written by ai….It was another conformation that this person has no remorse for what he’s done to me. I’m glad I figured it out fast this time. Apparently narcs now use the help of ai to craft perfect messages for manipulation and gain of control. Stay safe out there.
that is one of the great advantages when you are in a long distance relationship like me, that you are actually forced to only be able to talk 75% of the time and get to know each other very well based on exchanging feelings and each other's past, shortcomings but also desires and you cannot rush into a certain unhealthy dynamic too quickly, but the biggest advantage but also test of this is being able to have patience for each other, sometimes for years, and a narcissist has already run away very fast 😛
He absolutely cannot stand it when nothing he does or says gets a reaction out of me anymore. I honestly don’t care. I have healed from his abuse and I have peace even with him floating around the periphery because we have a child together.
I so want to get to that level! It’s a whole other game when you need to coparent together!
Thank you, Jimmy. I've learned a *lot* about myself, and your videos are teaching me and my fiance how to be kinder to ourselves and each other.
9:52 isolating from friends, always make it about them.
10:08 literally her motto was “say one thing, do another”
Thank you, Jimmy. Just. This is everything everyone should know.
I really value all the contents you bring out for people.
I think this also is the same advice for friendships and family as well. Many of us started out with family that had these tendencies which put us more at risk for then meeting and allowing these types in our life. At least I have anyway. There came a point when while I had low contact with my family, I looked around and realized that the majority of my friendships were not actual friends. They just took and took and took until I was so done. So I began just letting go or anyone who was toxic and began the long journey of only accepting people into my life who put the same energy into me as I did to them. Also, haven’t dated in years. Was way too comfortable with this kind of personality and expecting so much more and knowing and believing in my worth is an ongoing journey.
Hi Jimmy, thanks for your videos. You often say how difficult was to restore your relationship, would be so helpful to hear about forgiveness, second chances and restore a relationship on the ground of good things and willing to change the negatives.
…. And when you want to go to therapy with them to resolve issues, a narcissist is NEVER in your team
Therapy hardly ever works with narcissists, and issues arise because they are purposely devaluing with the intent to discard, they are not interested in repairing the relationship.
Thank you - this is super helpful💕
21:05 to 21:32 should be a daily reminder. YOU also matter and deserve to be happy as well. Never forget that.
I really wish I’d found your videos years ago, but I’m very happy I found them after everything was all said and done. You give me hope. Thank you!
Also, I’m an unintended plant murderer, so I love seeing all your wife’s plants in the background. They’re just beautiful.
Honestly, nice to hear. But I give you a quick reminder. That is peak relationship handling. I come out of a life full of emotional trouble. Dysfunctionalty, Hoarder, Depression, vulnerable narcissicm, parentification, young adult ... if you never had somebody to rely on and learn correctly it's tough. If you're boundries and needs where downplayed to nothing. Than you develop a sence of "and this is all you can take"-mentallity. Which is really toxic. But on the other hand I expect some maturity. And people in my age are kindly spoken. Nothing but imposters.
Thank you so much for this video and all your work. You are helping out so many people! 🙏🙏🙏
Is it possible to be married to a narcissist for 43 years and not see it until they discard you and move to someone else?
I’m so confused.
Absolutely…I was married, in love for 21 yrs and we had a child together…w/o any warning, she literally changed personality in 1month, moved out in 3mo, began dating in 5mo & moved in with the guy in 8mo (3 mo before we signed our Divorce)…I am so happy now & at Peace w/o her….did not ever think I would experience this much less from her; we were very good friends before dating & marriage.
90% NC, parallel parenting, so Her loss❤️🩹
I live for your content, it's so fucking spot on all the time! Thanks for your work 👏🏻
Mine blew up a few months into the relationship claiming I was "leaving her" when in reality I had to go home at 10 PM, despite spending the whole day and nearly the whole weekend with her, as I was tired and had work the next morning. Pulled the same bs again on Christmas Eve at 1 am when I told her I had to get up the next morning for my own family christmas and be ready for 830 am. According to her, I'm her bf and am supposed to stay over at her place more, even though I was 1-2 nights a week. Oh and apparently she complained that I didn't initiate sex more without her saying anything or doing anything and failing to do so meant there's "no connection". She ended up breaking up with me right before my birthday party via text and claiming it was my fault I didn't text her more despite her giving me breadcrumbs and I was supposed to read her mind.
Also find value in yourself not just the relationship. True.
Thank you for the reminder 🎗️😊
Thank you again Jimmy. This is so beautifully articulated and exemplified. I recognize these signs I have seen in people. How many times did I also ask myself if I was embodying these as well. It is so challenging to recognize our own patterns, thoughts, behaviors, emotions. Let alone in others. I have found myself to be incredibly challenged in my relationship with my teenager daughter. I can definitely see some of these signs in her father and in her. The rock method is hard to do when you it’s needed in a relationship with your own child. I really appreciate your effort and dedication into sharing and elevating through your experience and gifts. Thank you Jimmy and everyone here for your love and support through this community .✨🤍🤗
Who else deals / has dealt with constant deflection via accusations that your healthy, boundary-enforcing complaints and [attempts to talk and build/repair connection] are you villainizing them?