I think woman are doing it ALL backwards. They are focusing on a “Man” who looks good primarily in their picture or photo. When if you truly want a relationship it’s about a guy having the Capacity to be vulnerable, to be kind, be caring, having goals, put others before themselves, financially supports themselves and yes fun. So what are their hobbies, what’s important to them, do they have a relationship with their parents or siblings, do they volunteer, do they get angry quickly, are they condescending, and how do they handle their finances? Yes a primary photo lets you see just a quick snapshot of the male profile but it’s least important.
I really wish that a better term is used to replace the label “nice guys”, because all the negative traits discussed here have nothing to do with niceness. All the positive traits discussed here are in fact great people who are also nice. As a person who embodies all the positive traits shared here, I have been told by many close friends-women and men-that they consider me to be one of the strongest (empowered, independent), respectful, considerate, safest, and NICEST guy they have ever met. I feel great knowing that the inner work I do gets recognised (but is not why I do the work). I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve know women who repeatedly find themselves in and out of relationships with ‘bad boy’ types who treat them like crap… the guys that have me feeling embarrassed to share the same chromosome code with. I don’t know what to replace the negative term “nice guy” with but it needs to change.
These traits look very good on paper. The catch is this: Show any woman this list, and then ask “what do each of these things LOOK like?” Tell me about_______, please explain _________, can you describe_______? Men and women may utter the same word(s), but rarely are talking about the same thing(s).
That’s not true. Check emotionally stability scientifically, it’s similar to confidence and fearlessness. If you were Achilles, that brave and confident you’ll bend any woman over
I’m a nice guy, probably close enough to the internet stereotype, whatever it actually is, and I think I’m gonna stay that way. 3 reasons: 1) the definition seems to change when it’s convenient. I realized this when treating people with respect was regularly regarded as manipulative behavior. 2) I know guys who don’t treat women with respect, and they have laundry lists of girls they’ve slept with. I tried their way and it didn’t work for me because it wasn’t genuine. These days, I have my own style, and I don’t really care for those sorts of women anyway. 3) my kindness has never been weakness. It comes with a strong sense of justice. I don’t mix well with people who play stupid games.
I regard myself as a nice enough Man. I am from Ireland. It’s true most women are attracted to Men who are not Nice or Kind. They seem to think these type of men will be Ruthless and Make lots of Money. But living with them can be tough for Women.
Big difference between being "nice" and kind. Most "nice guys" I know are pussies. Most kind guys I meet have niceties to their demeanor but are not push-over, whiny bitches. So yeah. Good for you.
Until the parents, and sometimes other family members start questioning why their sons are not having a family of their own, even less dating. Explain to them that "I'm trying to focus on myself to improve my current situation." And the response will be, "You're being selfish!" It is as if the concept of being required to one, in order to do the other, is beyond understanding. Ask me how I know!
Exactly this. The authentic self is wonderful and stress free. This short life here is a soul school and not an interview to please narcissistic women.
Why is treating somebody with respect and dignity a bad thing? I will never understand how other people think. While younger, you want the the asshole but then later you grow up and suddenly want the guy who would have done anything to be with you 20 years ago? Get lost!
It's possible to be confident enough to treat others kindly out of genuine caring, without concern for whether this will make you look weak. That kind of strength shows when you are considerate of others. This is very different from being nice to others out of the desperate hope that they will like you.
The issue is not being respectful and nice. The issue is desiring long term relationship with one woman, which is what 'nice guys' usually want. Women can feel it, such guys are projecting needy vibes, and when they are not interested or ready for long term, they have to run away from those guys, simply calling them 'nice guys'. Many women actually want nice guys, except they may not want to enter long term relationship, at least not right away. This of course changes once she gets older and wants to settle down...
There's a book called Casanova Playbook of Magnetism, and it talks from body language and conversaton starters to dark mind tricks and flirting through texts, it's the real deal
I've been going by the Caveman playbook. From Petroglyph pet names to hair grab tricks and flirting through stone tablets. Seriously though I have heard of Casanova playbook but the loincloth thing seems to be working for me till I get my new wheels hewn out.
I am a very nice person. I don’t any issues with self respect, being decisive or any of the things Courtney mentioned in this video. It’s called being a gentleman and having class and manners. I’m also very successful. I can’t tell you the amount of women who when we were in high school and college would look past me but now desire to be in a relationship with me. If you’re weak then yeah change that. If you’re a nice guy, gentlemen with class and manners then keep being you. These women out here aren’t changing who they are to accommodate you in any way. Let that sink in.
I've discovered that I don't generally neatly "fit" into all these boxes women keep trying to make for guys. I, too, am a gentleman- but as my dad says: "You still give off a 'Don't F with me vibe". I guess that's a mix of combat, lived life experience, and my natural personality.
Awesome job man. I'd say your 'niceness' is coming from a genuine and grounded place. Not a wounded and needy place. Especially given you also have decisiveness and assertiveness. For me I like to label that as being a kind man. Or mature man. Call it nice if you like. But for me I feel for many people niceness often comes from an inauthentic place. Where has kindness comes a loving and genuine place. That's my opinion anyway ✌️
@tdrive398 I'd highly suggest the book King Warrior Magician Lover. Might give you a better understanding of a well rounded man. Which you sound like you are already embodying in many ways ✌️
@tdrive398 I understand what your saying I believe I am somewhat simular. It has to do wisdom and life experiences. I come from a area where people are nice naturally. Not quite the same thing as what she is talking about though. Hey I treat people with respect and don't get upset when their random decision computer (brain) goes haywire and they act out. I'm not changing myself to make them happy.
I find the " Nice guy card" is brought mostly so women can reject decent guys that lack swagger/ritz/looks/money or whatever they are truly attracted and don't look shallow or superficial by admitting.
The real issue isn’t being a nice guy. It’s those 90% of men that don’t have the necessary physical traits that women require before she will even communicate with a man. That initial attractiveness is what gives a man the chance to interact with women. Tall, handsome, muscular with the appearance of wealth and status wins the race. But Female content creators will never come out and actually say it. Especially those with a system to sell. Selling false hope is terrible. The man looses his money and is still alone.
Except that on average, there is a higher % of american men with attractive attributes than american women. Initial attractiveness of the woman is what makes the man want to bother in the first place, so trying to paint it as one sided, misses the bigger picture, that it is a two way street, but actually, far more so, that the male can be wealthy yet physically mediocre, and attract lots of physically attractive women, yet a rich but mediocre looking (let's say 5 out of 10 rated) woman, isn't going to attract nearly as many physically attractive men.
@stinkycheese804 it's true that most men place little to no value on a woman's wealth. The actual problem is still the same. 90% of women only want the top 10% of men. Otherwise it's considered settling. Hundreds of studies, charts, and statistics have proven this. Yielding the same basic result, and those are the numbers. Tall, handsome, high status, and wealthy is what they all want.
@Clydeshelton-k9b Sure, the frequency of selection for alpha males is higher, but the retention rate is lower. Remember, the sub-alphas exist, meaning their probably sub-alpha parents managed to procreate despite your odds suggesting otherwise. Swipes don't mean a lot.
@Clydeshelton-k9b Nope, just plain wrong. A 7/10 male can get a 10/10 female. 5/10 female will just get tossed aside after sex and it takes alcohol to make that happen.
It's funny because now that I'm older I'm surrounded by older women who are broken and helpless after going through all of the not so nice guys. They're begging for a nice guy and asking where are they all hiding? Oh sweetie, it's not "where" they're hiding, it's "when." You left them in your past, looked right over them, and destroyed any that you did get your hands on. They're settled down now with someone that saw and valued what they had to offer and they're not buying time machines to go back to give you a second chance.
You are totally correct!! I was always put in the friend zone by women when I was younger! It wasn’t a problem with self confidence, I always was secure in knowing who I was and in being happy with who I was. Still, the women back then just did NOT want nice guys, they wanted the challenge of dating the tough and mean guys, because don’t you know, they were going to change them. Of course, they were never able to do that. Now, in middle age, the women have had it with the problems these men cause them and they are actively looking for a nice guy. I never got hit on by a woman back then, but I sure do now!!
@@jimcityboy5106 Where do you see these "waves", and what constitutes the last wave starting 9 years ago, what happened then, your refering to the social apps on mobile?
As someone who used to be the nice person, I realize that it was deeply rooted to severe childhood trauma since as a kid I was heavily neglected and abused. Now, I'm on my healing journey with self work and therapy.
Its took me a while to get there too. I see it now that even a used car salseman ripping you off can be nice too. Being good doesnt always come off as nice
@@CourtneyRyan As I'm healing from my complex trauma, I sometimes feel like many men with complex trauma have to do a lot of healing and self improvement while most women with unresolved trauma are still accepted by many men. But when it's the other way around, many women will turn down men who are still healing, which seems really shallow on their part. But this is just from personal experience. I know both genders can be very shallow, nowadays.
I think Nice guy in U.S must be different to the rest of the planet, i think you all mean desperate door mats, thats not the same as being a nice guy..
I've always been a nice person simply by being of the mindset of 'treat people how you expect to be treated in return'. This is absolutely nothing to do with inadequacy with regard to confidence or having severe childhood trauma. I will not hide away from the fact that my parents divorced, but this was an extremely young age and I wasn't even old enough to witness or remember the breakdown in my Mother and Father's marriage actually happening. My Stepdad has been there for as long as I can remember and lived with me for most of my living memory too. My Dad also got remarried around 11 years ago and on the whole it's been a typical upbringing. I just go about life trying to set the standard for every other human out there, be the bigger person and sort of resonate being a decent person onto others and be humble and respectful in doing so. The fact that so many women do not desire a man of higher standards is frankly a reflection on themselves and their own imperfections, laziness and lack of empathy and/or ability or willingness to try and be a decent person to everyone you come across. If someone gives you a reason to no longer be decent to them then you just no longer have them in your lives or interact with them. Basically the silent treatment, and that works much more powerfully than falling down to their level and playing them at their own 'everyone is flawed', 'nobody is perfect' games. State the obvious with those two statements, but it sure as hell doesn't prevent you from trying to be the very best version of yourself both to yourself and to anyone you encounter in this life. If a woman doesn't have the balls or bravery to even give a 'nice' guy a chance, then that's on her.
My parents divorced when I was 3, and only now at 40 my therapist helped me to realize, that as a child I had thought it had something to do with me, and that I was the reason why I barely saw my dad anymore (only every third weekend). Mom died when I was 10, and I blamed myself for not being with her more in that last year when she was sick...I thought maybe I could have done something to help her or make her happier. Just wanted to say, kids have a tendency to blame themselves for things they don't understand, because they only know their own little world, and mom and dad are Gods. This was the core of my need to make everyone like me. I was of the mindset you describe, too, until I realized something. The reason why I didn't feel like I was setting myself aside when being overly nice, caring and catering to everyone else, was that I didn't really have a life myself to cater to. Once I started to prioritize scheduling in time to work on my own hobbies and dreams, developing new ones, and becoming more outgoing, I started to realize how much I had been putting my own wants and needs aside, to be something for other people. Most of those people didn't reciprocate, and I never noticed, because I had that same mindset "do unto others as you would have them do unto you", so I never expected to get anything in return; I thought everyone should do that, and that I would show them by doing that. That's all well and good, but if they NEVER reciprocate or even reach out first or ask about you or show up to help you move etc., then you have to set yourself straight; those people are not engaging with you in a reciprocative fashion, so they are not worth spending all your energy and precious time on. Especially, if you have wants, needs or dreams yourself, that are unfulfilled. You cannot be something for everyone else, if you aren't taking care of yourself. I now have 4 close friends and 5 loose friends, who all reciprocate about the same as I do, and they show interest in being with me, invite me to things, listen to my troubles and share theirs with me. And I have lots of time to myself and to meet new people, who I vet slowly to see if they're worth pouring into. You're right about silent treatment as a test of "will they engage with me first, if I don't", but you have to gauge it around what kind of person they are. Some people are bad at reaching out or are incredibly busy, but are very attentive and loving in person. If they never contact you first AND do not offer anything in person, then you can either have an adult talk with them, which may improve the relationship OR expedite their leaving your life, or you can do the silent treatment thing; it's just a very passive approach and you are the only one feeling the loss, since the other person doesn't know it's happening. I would also say, that when you make sure to follow your own wants, needs and dreams, you're much more likely to run into like-minded people, who will be a better match for friendships and relationships, and having things in common boosts the will to be reciprocative. This is much healthier for me, and I can see that it also has a positive effect on my dating life, as I am now attracting naturally, instead of having to chase. It's awesome!
@@UltromanTheTacoman It must've taken a fair bit to share this so thanks for the insight. Losing your Mother at 10 years old is categorically childhood trauma and so it's vastly different to my childhood. Luckily both my parents are still alive at my age of 36 today. And fortunately I also saw my Dad usually once a week on Sundays and he was able to take me to swimming lessons and that did give my Mom a breather from me and my older sister. Your point about having a life is somewhat valid and I do think this stems a lot from the luck of the draw of the family and social class that you're born into. If money is tight (and with divorced parents it sometimes can be more difficult than for a stable family with married parents) it can definitely impact on valuable life experiences as a child (whether that's going to different places frequently, and coming into contact with people from many different walks of life and cultures to help you become more rounded) as well as opportunities opened to you (you can basically be given more vocational and activity based classes as a child if you have more well off parents, such as having music lessons, taking horse riding lessons, going on fancier school trips, and just having more items that make a big difference to any young person's development such as their own computer from the youngest possible age, which in today's climate it's smartphones, etc). Everything I've said there outlines a clear headstart on having a much more varied life and increased likelihood of knowing what things you like and don't like if you get to experience a large number of different things as a child. For me I've found that I've been discovering most things since my mid-late teens and in my 20s and 30s. I did ask for a drumkit for either my 15th birthday or Christmas of that year and I compromised for a second hand guitar and 10 watt amp (which was around £80). Kids in my school of the same age were being treated to brand new guitars of £200-£500 value by their parents for example, and I had to make do with what I had. I only went on holiday abroad for the first time when I was 10 years old (on the cusp of turning 11), to Florida and that's only because my Nan/Dad put money aside for it to be used for it, otherwise my Mom and Dad on their own wouldn't have been able to afford it for me. All my holidays were UK seaside holidays and even though I was taken abroad to France when I was very young, maybe 3-5 years old, I don't remember it at all. I just tend to think that I have developed my life somewhat later than the average person, or definitely the more well off and above average person. And so while I'm 36 now I've been abroad more times in the last 10 years than I have for the first 25 years of my life. It has taken time but I have had a life of my own that I am picky with and am very up front to people about my schedule and when I'm free or not free, and have been this way for a good few years now. I disagree with the final point you make on the silent treatment when you say the only one feeling the loss is me. That's really not the case. Women absolutely despise silent treatment too and there's almost nothing worse for a woman than being cut out of a group or being given the silent treatment. Women sometimes thrive and often seek out drama, because they like the emotional rollercoaster of arguments and making up afterwards. If you just ignore the woman she can't even get to the argument stage because she's just giving you one way communication and she'll eventually get fed up and give in. At this point you treat her normally again and things may resume as they were before. Friendships can work in a similar manner by way of the other friend not knowing what's going on in my life because they haven't been in contact with me enough to validate them as a good friend. If the next time I meet I'm having to fill them in on 3 months worth of events, trips, things I've done, etc, that's really not a good sign! If there's a roughly equal effort on both my part and their part then I'm happy. But yes I'm happy to never post on social media and reserve all the good goings on in my life for people that choose to take an interest in me and if you don't reach out then you're going to miss out and be jealous of the friends I actually am sharing my life experiences with. That's the point. They absolutely do know it's happening when you're then spending more time with other friends than them and if they want to be your friend again and/or be at the same level as the friends you're spending more time with then they simply have to up their game otherwise they're going to keep missing out. It's very tactical and I advise you to try it yourself sometime. The only way people can know what is going on in my life is if they talk to me in person face to face, on the phone, or via direct messaging. Mutual interests do allow you to meet like minded people and that's pretty much common sense. But I'm afraid with dating it's never that straightforward. Yes you might have one interest that matches but it still by no means implies you're a great match. Your values and political views may be completely unaligned. Your preference on the future with regards to marriage and children might be polar opposites. You might just have different vibes completely and just not really get on that well outside of the said activity. The activity is great in the moment while it's happening but it's all the other 99% of the time when that activity isn't happening that tests whether you're truly compatible with someone. Additionally, people can and do change, as can their interests. Some people can get bored or fall out of love with interests and/or are the type of people to just continuously try new things. How would you go about matching with them if you're so deeply passionate and devoted to this one particular interest which they then walk away from after 6 months? I often find that interests are just an excuse and a cover for people to meet partners because people don't have the balls to go up to people on the spot anymore and state their intentions. Women think it's needy and creepy if any guy walks up to them and claims he finds her incredibly attractive and wants to get to know her more. He has to play it cool and use flirting and body language to slowly heat up the interactions and I'm sorry but I'm your 30s and beyond this just gets extremely tiresome to do and I'd honestly prefer just getting straight to the point and stop wasting time. There's so many variables to consider in the whole topic of dating and as we can resoundingly say here, the aspect of being a nice guy or not is a FRACTION of what an entire guy has to offer and what he brings to the table. There are plenty of traits and phrases to describe women which are negative overall, but again these don't on their own define them. And for the most part, the majority of men would be willing to look past them as long as she satisfies the majority of other things he is looking for. Women just can't seem to do this, and they operate in reverse. If a guy gives a girl an 'ick', for whatever reason she 'feels', she then writes him off entirely, EVEN IF 99% of everything else about him might be absolutelyn perfect for her, in her strange way of thinking, she cannot reconcile that 99% positive and 1% negative is actually an overall GREAT guy!
One of the most significant things my girlfriend in high school ever told me is that certain girls like mean guys or bad boys because they actually crave the attention from their friends, sisters, and family when the guy does something wrong. They are willing to take that sorrowful attention over the negative activities that the guy partakes in. I would say this to dudes, be careful of a girl who is attracted to you because you are a bad boy type; if the relationship progresses any significant amount you could be the one left wondering, and not understanding the position you eventually find yourself in.
I am reminded of a conversation with a coworker several years ago about post divorce dating, and his observation of “the worse you threat them, the better off you are”. That holds water. It shouldn’t. All of this relationship mud Reminds me of the verse about being more attracted to darkness than to light. There needs to be a lot more “resist the devil, and he will flee…”’instead of contemporary style of embracing the devil.
"That holds water. It shouldn’t" +1 And fwiw it didn't just a few years ago, at least not functionally in society. Men haven't changed that much. And yet, nevertheless, here we are. I suppose if I want to date I will need to embrace my dark triad traits which society previously rewarded me for suppressing.
The best thing I could have done for myself in the last few years is to simply focus on myself. I am happy and thankful with where I am at right now in my life. I feel confident and I aim to keep a positive, rational perspective on the things I do day-by-day. It's normal to want more (believe me, I know the feeling), and I take the pro-active approach at a pace I feel most comfortable with. I still have a long way to go, and at this point, I'm going to simply enjoy the journey and the pleasures that life has to offer each day.
This is truly a universal trait that is not gender-specific. Really nice people do not know when they are being nice because they simply do what they think is the right thing to do. Being a nice person is not like putting on a shirt and suddenly becoming a nice person.
Being authentically nice is carrying out or offering to carry out kind gestures without expecting anything in return. "Nice guys" think that by being nice they are "owed" something from the other party. People don't owe you shit. Being nice is not meant to be a transactional exchange.
@@GetBenched2010 She’s using the word ‘nice’ for this video, so we will stick with the word ‘nice.’ Yes, I know that the words ‘nice,’ ‘good,’ and ‘decent’ are similar but not the same. If we all start adding our own words, it will derail miles away from what she is saying.
Being a nice guy is the worst type of man to be in Western society. The worst of the worst criminals in prison for life get love letters. Nice guys never get anything.
The problem is good intentions always seems to result in the worst of results. Add in countless rejections and the by product is zero confidence and this cycle repeats itself until the guy eventually just removes himself from the dating pool completely. Attempting to date has taken me to very dark places and truthfully I've arrived at the stage where I look around and none of the options available are attractive at all so am I really missing out, probably not. What I do have to live with is absolutely not possibility of dating people I really want to date because, well no surprise the result is rejection. You are spot on in this video. Reality is, even if I were confident, I'd be rejected for some other reason.
good intentions help thirds. person being helped needs to change / take action by themselves. there is the lift as you raise, and this is not incompatible. Good example is still there, change is there, it's just not change as people tend to expect it.
also, the rational answer to this problem is to actually date more, by more, more variety and amount. this maximizes chances of encountering better compatibility. you would gain experience, criteria, confidence, friendships, and maybe most importantly the ability to choose!! not be chosen! giving to (nurturing self), and knowing yourself becomes the reinforcement that also reduces risk of bad choices.
This is not true. Plenty of genuinely nice guys have these traits and women still don't want them. Women are politically correct and they speak in platitudes. Women like toxicity, regardless of how they'll try and spin it.
Exactly. This is the real truth behind the silly "nice guy" tag. It's 100% female rationalisation and unwillingness to face their own sexuality and nature head on. They are attracted to toxic traits and just struggle to admit it out loud
Being a "nice guy" often comes from us acting towards women the way our (often single) mothers drilled into us from day one that we were to act towards women. My mom had poor experiences with mine and my sisters' dads, and she was determined to make me different. And so she did. I became exactly the man she intended, but for whatever reason she didn't realize until later that she had "saved" some non-existent woman in the future by condemning her own son.
The way it feels is like this: imagine if someone told you that crime was now not only legal, but necessary. Not necessary for your survival, but necessary for your long-term happiness and fulfillment. You hate the sound of it, but you have to accept that it's true. So you go and shove a kid off his bike and steal it for yourself. You callously ride away as he lays in the street crying. Afterwards you feel TERRIBLE, as you would, even though in this cruel world it's your only choice for happiness. You start to doubt that your own fulfillment is worth this terrible cost and decide to just opt out altogether. That is how it feels when you go against the way your mom raised you your whole life in dealing with women. Naturally, most women aren't going to be romantically interested in you, and it feels like you're hurting them. Regardless of what you know, regardless of what anyone tells you, it still feels like you're knowingly choosing to be the bad man your mom always warned/beat you not to be. Going back to the crime world, it feels like you're going on a spree of wanton violence, leaving a trail of devastation and traumatized people in your wake, looking for the one person out of 100 that inexplicably actually likes being assaulted and robbed, all in the service of your own selfish happiness and fulfillment.
I kind of went through a similar experience, but the difference was that there was no divorce in my case , it was just the case that my mom was a hyper conservative woman when it comes to relationships
I want to hug you . This. Comment should be the multiverse pov of nice guys! “Crime is now legal “. I’ve drastically improved and don’t even consider myself nice. My advice is try and coach boys and how to be masculine, in teaching people you learn new things. Also try to implement want you learn. Learn how to ask a lady out for example you never say let’s go on a date. Instead you say let’s go out for drinks. Compete in a sport or combat sport like sparring , hunt , develop that masculine core, read Jordan Peterson and find out the story of the mother that destroys the child. Your mom as an archetype, hate the archetype but love her. Understand she knows nothing about men. And help other boys. Report to me if you do any of this, good luck. Remember we’ll l all die.
It's mostly mothers who've trained their sons to be nice guys which has wound up ruining them and putting them at a disadvantage in seeking a female mate.
Years ago if you treated a woman like a Queen she would treat you like a King. When you treat one like a Queen today she treats you like a servant. My how times have changed.
@@smartengineering8934this is exactly it, women somehow find men that treat them like shit and act like they don’t care very attractive. Not sure what the big attraction is there cos it makes you look arrogant and over confident
@@GyobuTheDemonOniwa Happens all the time. It's quite sickening. Then these men try to bring that same energy into other people and get a reality check real quick.😂
I agree being attracted to a guy who treats you like shit makes no sense especially from the male perspective as most men run away from chaos where most women seem to run towards it. There could be several reasons for this namely women see things more through an emotional prism where men tend to use more logic and reason regarding being in a toxic relationship. I’m sure everyone here has known a woman at one time or another who was involved with an abusive guy and convincing the woman to leave was like trying to raise the Titanic. And how often have we’ve seen women break up with a guy who treats her like shit only to wind up with another guy who does the very same thing? Some theorize that women like this have only had negative male roll models in their lives starting with their fathers and this is what they see as “normal” behavior in men. When they meet a genuine nice guy who would treat her like a Queen they find this behavior strange if not suspect and just stay with the asshole they’re used to.
Disagree, avoiding conflicts is almost always seen as unattractive by women. Like if someone said something demeaning to your SO at a bar, the rational thing is of course to avoid conflict and just go somewhere else. Most women however find that behavior incredibly unattractive.
I am puzzled by your comment. I am a gentleman and a romantic and I love conflict. I seek it out and revel in it. And I do so with girls. I find that the best chemistry that I have with a lady is when we fight like cats and dogs over politics or religion. If I don't have this tension-inducing, dramatic dynamic with a girl, then we are not suited to each other. The level of conflict can be so intense that it can be disturbing (or entertaining) to onlookers. But this love to conflict has zero to do with being kind and loving-eros plus storge (caring love).
Unfortunately our current culture seems to equate “nice” with “weak”. You can be genuinely nice, strong and independent. One of my favorite quotes is: “Don’t mistake kindness for weakness” - Larry Hartsell
This was a super helpful video! Like rewind, journal, and really self-reflect on this all month helpful. Having been a rejected people pleaser all my life, I could never really figure out why I felt so "stuck" in this perpetual state of being the "nice guy." It comes down to seeing yourself just as valuable as everyone else. Thanks Courtney! 😁
Myself and my four brothers, were brought up to 'don't upset people', don't annoy people, don't interfere with what people are doing, don't fight, don't argue with people, and keep away from trouble etc. I just seemed to end up avoiding situations in case any of this might happen.
I have seen situations where an unattractive, boring guy has an attractive girlfriend, one of which is where they are both in a social set of some kind ( religious, family back ground, financial, cultural, political etc.) and have a greater dedication to the group than each other.
girls won't direclty admit that but yes, they love bad guys. just be one. When I stopped being nice and become a jerk I had lots of silly gurls. also they love idiots so you have just to pretend to be stupid, you still can be smart with your friends
Btw, it's ok to be nice and get rationally angry for it not being "reciprocated". I had to cut off ties with a male friend of mine for taking his shit talk too far with me and didn't accept my boundaries and feelings. I told him that if he told me that shit that he just did in real life to my face, he would have no more teeth. Am I a nice guy? Yes... but nice guys will pop after being pushed far enough.
@@Ozzy-Mag What is being "good". Explain yourself. Because to me, being good, is to respect others. Treat them the way you would want to be treated. Or am i bat shit crazy?
@@alwaysemployed656 It's a form of narissitc gas lighting from others.. to not be a nice guy and then get completely judged for not being nice anymore and standing up for yourself. I've been getting way better at this though. It's better to stand up for yourself and lose people in your life over it, versus be pushed around by them. You have to be cool with being called an asshole by delusional haters that want to bring others down, because they are down. This video has all the right intentions, but damn is it not that easy. Unfortunatley, the truth is to find a balance between nice guy and bad guy.
@@DDuffy143 No need to explain. I know exactly what you’re talking about. You’re the stealthy, fast mover who is miles ahead of the rest of the male tribe. The other tribe members resent you for not slowing down to their level, so they gang up against you. That’s a metaphor, by the way.
@@CourtneyRyan That would be helpful I feel! I feel like part of my issue is insecurity, but given my dating inexperience also fear of the unknown. Like I can generate the chemistry and socialize well, but then get nervous/overwhelmed with where everything will lead
With the right person things should never be serious, or rather, 'feel heavy'. Try to maintain lighthearted, flirty, ease and delight energy, even in those serious moments when work situations and living is tough. Don't allow the relationship dribble down into heaviness. Whenever you noticethe relationship energy dragging, speak it or loud, then break that pattern. This is the key.
I think a lot of this nice guy syndrome is due to those guys being bullied in crucial development years and it just persists into adulthood. It depends on how the people around you (if any) support you during those years. If you don't get helped, you start seeking validation from anyone just to combat the idea of people not liking you
@@OneFreeMan17 as do parents. A lot of parents let things go because “it isn’t that bad” but it mentally scars children and builds deep rooted insecurities
Having parents that are physically present but emotionally distans can be the root cause of this. When a childs emotional needs arent met in the most crucial years, the child can feel like there is something wrong with it and becomes a people pleaser in adult years because they develop a feeling of wanting everyone to like them, even at the cost of their own mental health
There is probably a degree of truth to this but I also think when a person gets rejected all the time, their sense of value drops and the idea that they are valueless arrives. To combat this they put good energy back into the world, try to be a decent person to find their own sense of value which has been severely eroded due to the hammering confidence takes with constant rejection. I truly believe rejection over an extended period is extremely harmful to most people.
Yup, I am a nice guy. If women don't like it then move on I don't want you. There is always someone who will appreciate you. Do not ever be so nice that you allow your girlfriend, wife, co-worker or friends to walk all over you. This is your life and a women in it is a blessing or can be a horrible curse.
I think that's the point she's trying to make by basically saying "nice guy" has gotten a bad rap on the internet to mean clingy, pushover etc like you described.
*The traits mentioned really resonate, especially the importance of being assertive and emotionally intelligent. It’s a reminder that being a great partner means embracing all aspects of oneself, not just the nice parts!*
The human nature is so weird… hypersensitive, anxious people with fear of rejection: NOT WELCOME! Manipulative, abusive, insensitive narcissists: WELCOME!
I think you have hit on a key characteristic that separates romantic men from Dark Triad men (or even men who are not psychopaths but are more average) and that is sensitivity. Romantic men sense and feel things more readily and deeply while insensitive men are quite the opposite, and there are men in-between on a spectrum. Consequently, more sensitive men are better able to sense a woman's psyche and soul and feel the deep connection with her, if there is indeed one there, as well as the physical attraction. He is also better able to evoke a romantic response in the (right) woman, but not just any woman. Whereas, the less sensitive man simply goes by an obvious visual physical attraction. He senses little or nothing of her soul and her psyche. He does not feel any inherent connection with any woman. He doesn't have the finely tuned "sensors" to pick up on what is the foundation to genuine erotic love, or any kind of love for that matter-philia, storge, and certainly not agape. I wrote out a fairly long analysis of two kinds of womanizers that apparently did not go up in reply to another commentator on this video. Here is a summary. One is a pure exploitive jerk with no regard for anyone but himself. But then there is a more sophisticated womanizer who is more intelligent and more personable. What they have in common is liking to have sex with a variety of women (being a trait common to all men) but with little respect or regard for a woman personally. Both of these type of men prefer the company of men for any interaction other than sex. They both hold women in low regard. They seem to be incapable of getting anything out of a relationship with a woman that is more subtle or complex. Now, there are insensitive women as well as men, so there are women who lack a capacity for being emotionally captivated by a man on this deeper, more spiritual level. These less sensitive women are highly stimulated by both the physical relationship primarily and ramping up their anticipation of that cruder, more simple payoff to the interaction in the erratic attention of the man than the more constant attention of the man with deeper emotions who is primarily moved by emotions and the intellect than the raw intense feelings of the body. Hence, the difference between high marginal pleasure from association with less sensitive men and average pleasure that leads to a greater total pleasure over time that comes from more sensitive men. The more subtle pleasures don't really show up for the less sensitive and so they are bewildered by the intensity of the romantics who sense things that others don't feel and so don't understand or appreciate. The more romantic man who is more responsive to the emotional and cognitive connection with a woman must realize is that most women are simply not for him since they lack this depth and sensitivity as well as other men lacking their sensitivity. He should be able, if he is paying strict attention to his intuitive abilities, to distinguish the girl who is on the "same wavelength" as him, whom he is attuned to and she is attuned to him, from other girls whom he does not share this potential bond. The problem is that these girls are few and far between. Even if he does meet this girl who is right for him, he must be in a financial position to care for her as his wife. Unlike women, men cannot get married anytime they come across the right person. Romantic men are not for casual relationships with females. That is out of the question for them, and really should be for anyone. So, what do you do if you are not in this position or have not yet met this girl with whom you are so compatible? Men's sexual urges as well as more romantic men's need for in-depth relationships are present now and have been since he was about 13 years old. This question of what to do in the short run is vexing and one that I don't have an answer for other than to wait until you find the right girl for you. I married the wrong girl at the right time after I reasoned myself into it. But you cannot reason yourself, as you make trade-offs, into love. We each have to feel it and be overwhelmed by it. Love is not calm and stable as we heard in this video. If a marriage is not based in tenacious devotion to the right girl, you and she are in for misery over time. The keys to a successful marriage and a marriage that makes women, as well as men, the happiest are when the man is passionately devoted to his wife and he earns a good living that provides at least 2/3 of the family income (marriage for women, not for men, is more of a financial institution). So, it's best to wait. What gets these more sensitive men into trouble is trying to get going with the wrong girl who is not appreciative of the man's temperament, his character, and his devotion to her, and most women are not the right fit for this kind of man. If you meet the right girl, they will appreciate all of these traits, if not up front (although usually it will be very quick but not in all cases) then she will over time. If it's the latter, don't force it but be persistent. As for sensitivity being key to a person's temperament, and the importance of temperament, see the work of Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan. Also, take a look at the application of Carl Jung's revival of ancient temperament types in *Please Understand Me: Character & Temperament Types,* by David Keirsey and the Myers/Briggs Temperament Test.
@@christophergraves6725 it took me some time and patience to read your long text. "The problem is that these girls are few and far between": That scares me because they're also quickly taken. Happened too many times, causing me every time a deep sense of distrust, if not depressive states. I've known someone for almost a year, back then she had already broken up with her partner. This summer she took me on a holiday in Greece, still looking for a new one. We're very affectionate to each other, I'm open to something more, it doesn't depend only on me. I don't want to force it, but I hope she'll find the time for it. Let's see if she's the right one for me. But I'm also open to new opportunities, even if they're so rare. It's been a horrible year, twice in love with someone already taken, my sense of confidence requires a long recovery.
Courtney has hit the nail on the head about these. Sadly, the emotional stability can be problematic, despite being a required trait in men. Women often complain that their man is not emotionally available. We do not know how to be emotionally available and emotionally stable at the same time, or how to balance the two. Many of us have personally experienced or watched our male friends express emotions of fear or weakness only to watch the woman they love leave him. "If he's weak, how can I rely on him to be strong for me?". Being emotionally limited is the lesson we learn. It's truly an ugly position in to be in as a man. Be a rock and emotionally unavailable, or express your weakness only to watch the woman you love leave you. This topic alone might make an interesting video
Absolutely this 100% I'm thinking the only way forward is to train yourself to lose your natural sense of empathy and just do what makes you happy but i really hope there's another way that doesn't require so much collateral damage.
Precisely this has happened to me. Fellas, never show a woman your true emotions or ask her for emotional support. Rather than giving it to you, she'll see you as weak or unstable and leave you.
Wait what? Being a nice guy is now a syndrome? Hilarious. What a dysfunctional world we live in now. Please stop this nonsense. Women can have unrealistic cravings. Nice guys are just polite beings who try not to bother people. Nothing to do with insecurities or being clingy.
Isaiah 5:20 20 Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
I have all four of those. I am very independent, stable and I have a plan for my life. Women still want nothing to do with me but at least I have those traits.
I'm still in the nice guy category because I get along with almost everyone and I never liked being mean at all. But you did have a point about what you listed and I can kinda relate.
I love how you touched on the issue of emotional stability and decisiveness. This connects so well with the halo effect, where people believe that being ‘nice’ will make everything else fall into place. A friend of mine used to think that being overly kind and agreeable was enough to win women over, but he lacked decisiveness and confidence, which led to frustration in his relationships. He learned that these qualities are crucial in balancing kindness with emotional strength, and your video captures this transformation
Remember fellas, being nice is not a bad thing, while it is Being nice with an agenda. You can be kind and treat people with respect without being a pushover, the most important thing is to not lie to yourself, and always think that seeking validation from others just distracts you from the real task, which is validate yourself first. From experience I can say that is not an easy fix, as I’m still far from fixing it myself, but being aware of that is the first step towards making it.
"Nice" guys can have these traits too. I get what Courtney is saying, but a lot of good nice guys get a bad rap because women on the Internet hook up with what they think are nice guys (in other words, bad judgement) but they are just creeps or players masquerading as a nice guy. Then complain that these nice guys are creeps. They were never a nice guy to begin with and the women dont want to admit they made a bad judgement call.
Exactly, they are always being fooled by the fake nice guys, so they trash all nice and good men and trust none of them now. Because they can't seem to tell the difference. Also they wrongly equate nice with being weak.
Why being a nice guy is understood as being a weak guy who has no self respect in addition to other traits mentioned? A nice guy is a good guy with self respect and is competent overall, but believes in treating others kindly especially to women and people who deserve his kindness instead of being mean and rude. A weak guy is someone who is struggling personally for whatever reason. Most women are used to the toxicity of the few bad men who they get into relationships with, they end up being mistreated, and they misunderstand who’s a nice guy and who’s a bad guy. That’s why.
Society is quite literally built on cooperation and trust. Wasn't too long ago when not being nice got you outcast or shunned by reasonable people. Now, women think nice guys have emotional problems. Nice shoes good, nice guys bad. See? Doormat, never, but nice didnt used to mean doormat, it meant polite and capable of behaving cooperatively. But it's all men's fault anyway...
I used to lack the first 3 traits before I learned what a Simp was. Obviously when you strike out over and over you lose most of your self-respect. Sure I thought I was emotionally stable but I did place ALL my happiness on getting the girl. Finally it’s hard to be decisive when you want her to like something that you also like (which 99% of women do not). Always been on the independent side as the good friends of mine are all loners and freaks. I have tried to change my mentality for the better on all of these traits but I still believe women are the ultimate prize in life. Hugh Hefner was the luckiest man in history!
It was the lack of self-esteem for me until my thirties. If you don't believe you're the best man for the woman that you want, and can give some good reasons to anyone challenging that position, what are you going to say ? 'I'm not very good at things, I'm the second/tenth/hundredth/thousand-th/ man for you. There's many men out there better than me !'
I have absolutely been this "nice guy". It took me years to realize how many issues I had from my childhood of abuse that lead to low self esteem. I used to think there was no way anyone would ever want me, which only lead to me not taking the green lights from many women and opportunities in my life. I realized that no one is really better than me, and most guys would love to be me. Later in life I basically lost my mind; I questioned everything. I was too open minded and listened to the horrible advice of certain people. I basically hit my own rock bottom. Through exercise, hobbies, weed, therapy, and simply doing things I love, I found myself again. I love who I am and my life is so much more happy.
Love the outfit Courtney and you are an excellent communicator with precise vocabulary! You've come a long way since the beginning of your UA-cam career and congratulations on your well earned success!
The negative "nice" type stereotype can have a knack of being unintentionally abusive or manipulative so if its the fake type of nice Id not blame them for running. Not saying its all of em but it can happen if you lack emotional regulation or self respect where that insecurity leaks out hard.
You said it…Drunk then they will bang anything…My Late Father told me as a Boy…”Any woman at the right pat the right time and a couple of beers , she’s all yours especially if she is convinced you can keep a secret”…Worked well for me 🙂🙂🙂
Good luck out there brother. Your chance of success is slim but if you make it out, you'll make it big. Shadow work has been helping me out I'd recommend giving that a look. Mah boy Carl Jung knows his stuff. 😎
Also, how does avoiding conflict look over reactive or anxious? 2 things I never get into at social gatherings are politics and religion. Am I now a beta, soy boy, "nice guy" people pleaser? No... life is just too short to deal with drama when you've seen how quickly life can end.
@@moseskuria1234 Maybe! He better be one hell of a perfect 100% badass loving man. I'd love to see who she chose. That's where the advice should come from. Him.
something tells me she wont read or reply to any of my comments though, especially if it challenges her. I can tell this youtube channel thing is purely business.
How does avoiding conflict bring peace? By avoiding working through potential issues when first encountered allows them to grow until the explode over-reactions. Note: boundaries will naturally generate low level conflict at first. Friends / significant others are ones to be able to discuss viewpoints and to be able to agree to disagree. Social parties can be different with religion and politics.
I agree, just because I am polite and a gentleman that treats women with respect, doesn't mean that I expect anything in return. I'm not a door mat but I'm not a dick to women either. We all want to be respected! I get what she is saying but she makes the so-called "nice guy" sound like a douche bag part of the time. In my opinion the ultimate form of nice guy you see is when messed men use their money to buy attention, etc. They flaunt it around and love the women that will follow it around. Sure, many of these men are being played but a lot of them don't care. They aquired their wealth and now they use it to gain a relationship/ following. They think it's nice to "HELP" these women out. I lived in Florida most of my life, so I saw a lot of what I despise about other men. I have always loved the company of a woman. We hang out whether they're just a friend or a girlfriend, I treat them both with respect, and I'm not after anything they have or own. I have my own stuff and I hope you have yours.
@@newfoundvitality4131 when women say nice guy they mean douche bag desperate controlling scared. nice guy to women and nice guy to men are 2 different things and women have to see repeatedly that a guy is strong or she defaults to he isn't
Nice guy is defined poorly many times. You can still be nice but strong, decisive, powerful, etc. Who wants to be around someone who is a jerk or mean. Those are definitely not good traits and most people eradicate those types out of their lives. If a girl wants that, you definitely do not want her. She will end up with a miserable life.
You can "nice guy" yourself right off of her radar. Adding more Nice just makes it worse. You are doing it to yourself. Re-wire your mind to being kind when it is called for. Nice is NOT the same. Kind may not get you where you want to go with her, but Nice will take you in the opposite direction. In my youth, about 31-32YO, I dated and fell head over heels for a single mother woman (I was a single father). She friend zoned me. I was way TOO NICE to her. It was a painful, but effective lesson.
@@section9999 Not quite sure that's exactly right, but I do get that we should stop stepping on our own toes. Being your own worst enemy, is like...there's no up side. Nice has connotations of 'pay off', like leverage to get her interest. "Kind" is part of your nature all the time, regardless of your proximity to any woman you are interested in or who's watching. And yes, life is cruel, your character should be forged in that fire, but if you let it consume your honor...work on being kind.
This was me in the past, as I was still trying to navigate social interactions. While I was in fact genuinely nice, I was very unaware of how I was being perceived. Being around others almost 95% of the time hindered me from actually getting to know myself and what I stand for. Looking inward as well as getting away from an environment that wasn't serving me mentally, emotionally, or financially was the key to achieving the happiness and peace of mind I was seeking. Having alone time and being in your thoughts enables you to not only get to know yourself but also helps you to discover passions and hobbies you never knew you had. It also destroys co-dependency and the need to depend on others for fulfillment or validation. If you are going through "nice guy syndrome," please remember to be nice to yourself first! Others, ones who truly value you and care about you, will respect you for that.
Emotional stability is an attractive trait, but many women don't even know what it really looks like or aren't emotional stable themselves. The problem here is, that men always get told what and how they are is wrong, by mostly unhealthy women. I was a bit of a nice guy. I was my main toxic masculine trait. I learned it from my dad. It was the way he loved my mom, and my mom had her own problems. I did not know it was wrong, how was I supposed to know it? I had to learn it later on, and I did. I still set the happiness of my partner before my own. It is always hard in the beginning of a relationship for me, to not overdo it, but this is why I got at it easy and take my time. So I won't get emotionally overwhelmed. Take a step towards her, she takes one to you. Don't run a mile, if she can't handle making a step in your direction (the same goes for guys, of course). But I also have to say, that most toxic masculine traits I encountered were preached and taught by women. My grandma, my mother, even my sister to an extent. "Get over it", "can't hurt that much", "don't cry", "that's not how a man acts", "ladies first", "Now you're the man" and so on. I had no boundaries, I had no wishes, my life was serving. Love means to serve. And all that bullshit. And so many women, out there, want that type of guy, because this is what they learned a man needs to be. Making them heading towards toxic relationships filled of drama and or violence. I got used so many times it makes my head spin. No more! My goal is a healthy relationship, with a woman who got her heart and head right and expects the same from me. A real partner. Not perfect, just human and knowing their flaws. Together we try to raise a healthy and loving family. To everyone out there, I wish the same and only the best! It is hard work, but you all (men & women) can do it!
Some women who aren't used to being treated with ANY respect will think you're too nice for treating her like a human being, and not a doormat. So there's that part too.. it goes both ways.
Women always claim they like nice guys, I just stopped being nice to them. I only be nice to people that are nice to me. If people mistreat me, I will mistreat them and if a women chooses the bad guy over a nice guy, then I won't have any sympathy for them when it goes against them. If they choose a nice guy, then I will respect them!
Until my twenties i was a so called “Nice Guy”. (This includes many positive traits that others have to learn later down the line) Till i had enough from this rejection etc. and realized that I had to change something to better serve myself instead of girls/women, others in general. (Wasn’t their fault anyway) So I took responsibility for my own life including the things that happened “to me”. Over the past 10 years I had an interesting time with many ups and downs, lots of work and fun and most importantly learnings to become who i am right now. I am thankful and proud of the person i became and will continue to become/be the best version of myself! (Strong impact guaranteed) Everyone has different goals and opinions what “best” means. But if you are unhappy with parts of your life, give it your best to change it. Because if YOU don’t do it, who do you think will do it for you? Best wishes to you all Thanks @Courtney btw. for this great video =)
Everything you have said Courtney is so true it is a full on, straight talk, of the truth. My wish is that all the ‘Nice Guys’ of the world read this and implement to save themselves many years of humiliation & misery. You are really addressing the issues that many men are secretly struggling with and need a hand or help to reach out to in order to overcome the fear, be free and be in peace. Thank you Courtney! Please keep doing what you are doing. Your grace, wisdom and care is making a difference and changing lives 😊.
By watching Courtney's videos over time, I believe she will suggest, for summer: - Funny t-shirt - Cargo shorts - Black crew socks - Crocs Hope this helps!
I find it refreshing to discover that while I did once lack all the things you list, I now do have all those qualities. It took long hard work with a therapist, but I'm there. And people that know me would still think of me as a nice guy. Makes me feel good.
"Nice Guy Syndrome comes from poor boundaries and low self-confidence which is often a byproduct of coming from a dysfunctional family where your needs weren't met." Wow, I've never heard someone explain it so clearly before. This explains my problem perfectly!
I think the dividing line is between being kind and being needy. Kind men treat everyone well , needy guys treat women well because they are looking for something in return. Sadly women can't tell the difference so they shun both types.
She’s right. In high school I was always a “nice” guy and was always in the friend zone. Hearing girls out, trying to give them advice, being understanding. Once I got into my 20’s I started being a d**k with women and got more play than I ever had in my life. Having the idgaf attitude is what women love. Makes them doubt themselves and wonder what they’re doing wrong. Once you start apologizing and trying to compromise, there’s not fun in that so they move on.
Being a nice guy is not a "syndrome". What if that is genuinely who you are as a person? It doesn't mean that you don't respect yourself or are weak willed. Nor is it weak that you treat others with kindness and respect. It's called the Golden Rule.That is just being considerate. It's societies perception that is wrong.
What she is talking about here is about extreme cases. It's not healthy to allow people to treat you like a toy or something. These nice guys don't respect themselves or their commitments. That's not good. What you're talking about is not a nice guy according to nowadays society.
@@leomarreinoso280 I think it's nice to treat people with kindness and respect. I live by the Golden Rule. Pure and simple. Do unto others as you would have them be done unto you. I don't let people treat me like a "toy" or misuse me, but I still consider myself a nice person.
That makes you a nice person, a nice guy is a title. Think of it like this. Any room can be dark if you turn off the lights. A dark room is a specific thing.
I found out now that I’m not a nice guy at all. I was in the past and really regretted my actions before my wife passed away. This finally caused me to work through some deep rooted pain that started in my childhood. I recently got rejected after a first date. The lady was quite attractive but where I would have been really hurt before, it didn’t phase me much at all. It did cause me to think that I should probably work out more, trim my beard more often etc. and become the best version of myself but for my own health and well being not to please someone else.
I’m just boring apparently, all I do is workout and eat on my free time, work and disappear. Whenever I try communicating my flirting is off or I don’t pick up. Whenever I try to set up dates I usually get the “i can’t right now, something came up” response. Been stuck on just having to keep working on myself, bad communication skills with women and having expectations on them keeping their word have been dragging me down.
Every time Courtney gets me to watch the ad promo sneaky way. Every damn time. Every time I forget. But she catches me again off guard. Every damn time. I'm sick of it.
Being co-dependent is nasty. I was co-dependent for many years. I was raised that way (long story). It leads to being ran over. It is the perfect catalyst for pairing up with a covert narcissist. The worst thing about being a nice guy is not loving one's self and depending on another to value you as with a covert narcissist, your value is constantly undervalued. So strive to be independent, set boundaries, have goals and dreams, and most of all love yourself!
I know in the past for me one of the biggest issues I had was self deprecating. I did it to make people laugh and to let people have a “fun time”. What this did though was make me look very insecure, lack of confidence and a poor outlook on life. For the longest time I was like why can I not get a girlfriend, Im successful, semi good looking etc blah. Then I had an honest conversation with one of my female friends and told me I need to stop putting myself down. Guys and yus girls you as well. Self depreciation is not your friend. Have self confidence in yourself, be sure with yourself and go out there and be who YOU want to be.
It’s really weird but after turning age 30 the confidence as a man just grew exponentially. Something about coming of age makes you care less about how others perceive you.
”Nice” is just a word that everyone put their own meaning in. Simp? Narcissists attract other narcissists. Relations are complementary. Some say all relations are transactional, there is no real love. What is true is that we are all individuals that are attracted to other individuals that have certain traits. Sociology is mainly statistical charts and may or may not work on the individual level. I love the photo series by Diane Arbus of possible couples like the priest and the prostitute, they might not be possible but make you think about relations in an interesting way.
Respect and being responsible are keys to any great relationship you emulate both of these traits and your beauty is stunning which shows respect for yourself
There’s a huge difference between being a nice guy, and being a good man. Good men don’t have as much issues with these things as nice guys do. Nice guys are only nice because they want something in return. Good men are kind for the sake of being kind, and don’t expect anything in return.
Confidence is such a vague term. Confident in what? That you can get laid? You can defeat other men in combat? Handle your finances? Fix your own car? Also, that can't be turned on like a light switch. I think many women mistake arrogance for confidence and then complain about the results. I think it's comical to watch some "confident" men that have no skills and know nothing, but are life of the party. I guess they serve a purpose.
I ‘m a nice guy to a point,II have patience,self respect for myself and others who are deserving, confidence in who I am,and was taught to treat others kindly,many times this was seen as weakness.When my patience is tried and my boundaries crossed nobody mistakes my actions nice at all😊
i lacked these traits in my early 20s, But i've worked hard to resolve all of the things you talked about in this video and now i'm 28, the hard part now is just getting girls to even go out for a coffee...getting a first date is a struggle
Your dating success depends on whether you are sexually attractive to women or you're not... Also, if we're going by personality wise, how your social skills are and how funny/entertaining you are matter 10 times more than if you come off nice or arrogrant
@@julianchillby1024 you're not wrong. But I'm pointing out that being nice tends to give people the perception of a pushover or someone with no back bone or not going to say no. Being kind is far, far more genuine and usually it's a trait you can't fake. For both women and men.
@@kantKillKenny The guys who make the most money from TikTok off of women donations are all stand out attractive with a stand out . They are neither too nice, or an asshole. They don't lean in one direction
i am what you call nice guy. i have passions and hobbies. i don't like talking about them alot. i'm indecisive when in group cause i don't care what we eat, do etc. and when someone says i should decide and i decide on something then they say "that's what you chose?" if you don't like me being me, then i'll rather die lonely, then change for others.
I guess I am the exception to your theory. I am nearly 80 and my wife and I are very happy, neither is the alpha but together we are a team. I did 32 years in the Military, joined the Marines in the 1960's, vietnam as a special forces marine. I have great self confidence and all the other things you mentioned and still able to be a nice guy.
I often use a silicone body scrubber, just like I use a coarse Boar's hair brush to brush my skin, but I will not put endocrine disrupting estrogenic chemicals on my skin. Cold water is just enough. It worked for thousands of years and it will continue to do so. If you eat enough fats and protein in your diet you're not going to have a lot of dryness that you would get from the carbohydrates taking all of your moisture
@@msBbee-oq7im close, I'm an omnivore. I still eat mushrooms as well as potatoes and rice, just like I eat some fruit and I eat some vegetables like broccoli asparagus onions carrots and peppers. I would say 85% of my nutrition comes from meat
Nice guys lack these qualities women want… 1. The ability to tell her no 2. The ability to call her out and hold her accountable 3. The ability to cut her loose if she disrespects you 4. Not simping 5. The ability to walk away and mean it
Great video and advice. For anyone interested in that topic, I cannot emphasise enough how great of a book is "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I don't consider myself a nice guy anymore, but I recently read this book and it still taught me many nuances about the psychology of nice guys.
WHAT!! for crying out loud, I have all 4 traits, I consider myself to be a good guy, I'm decisive when I need to be but want to consider other's choices or ask them for ideas, (but asking a woman what she likes is considered weak?), I have self-respect, so when I let someone know where my boundaries are, (but setting a boundary for a woman they reject me because they can't control or manipulate me then say "I'm not nice enough", I'm fairly calm in most stressful situations but everyone can sometimes be caught off guard, it's how you recover that counts, (I'm an Army vet, had plenty of practice🙂), but women will take that calmness and say I'm not caring or passionate, no matter HOW you handle something, women will always see the negative aspects. Maybe, instead of coaching men on how to succeed with women, you need to coach women on how to look at the positives of men in their lives.
Accept that we're just screwed. The times are a changing and you're going to have to bring that ruthless battle mindset back home I'm sorry to say. I hope we never cross paths because we would have to compete viciously. 😢 Also, thank you for your service. 😎
Definitely impacts my dating life, and while I've tried to work on it, I asked a girl if she wanted to hang out and she said yes, later when I messaged her about it, nothing. Even though I tried to mix it up, feel like I probably came off wrong, so gotta fine-tune the balance of what you're talking about, especially in the in-person conversations
@@OneFreeMan17 That's proven to be a disaster, but you are correct about equality, meaning eradicating differences between the sexes. This ideology is also behind valorizing homosexuality especially lesbianism.
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I love the collaboration with Alpha M. Can you do a podcast or video with him ?
I think woman are doing it ALL backwards. They are focusing on a “Man” who looks good primarily in their picture or photo. When if you truly want a relationship it’s about a guy having the Capacity to be vulnerable, to be kind, be caring, having goals, put others before themselves, financially supports themselves and yes fun. So what are their hobbies, what’s important to them, do they have a relationship with their parents or siblings, do they volunteer, do they get angry quickly, are they condescending, and how do they handle their finances? Yes a primary photo lets you see just a quick snapshot of the male profile but it’s least important.
I really wish that a better term is used to replace the label “nice guys”, because all the negative traits discussed here have nothing to do with niceness. All the positive traits discussed here are in fact great people who are also nice. As a person who embodies all the positive traits shared here, I have been told by many close friends-women and men-that they consider me to be one of the strongest (empowered, independent), respectful, considerate, safest, and NICEST guy they have ever met. I feel great knowing that the inner work I do gets recognised (but is not why I do the work). I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve know women who repeatedly find themselves in and out of relationships with ‘bad boy’ types who treat them like crap… the guys that have me feeling embarrassed to share the same chromosome code with.
I don’t know what to replace the negative term “nice guy” with but it needs to change.
Do they sell to Canada?
Your diet impacts your skin more then anything else.
The 4 qualities mentioned:
1. Self-respect
2. Emotional stability
3. Decisiveness
4. Independence & passion
Thanks
These traits look very good on paper. The catch is this: Show any woman this list, and then ask “what do each of these things LOOK like?” Tell me about_______, please explain _________, can you describe_______?
Men and women may utter the same word(s), but rarely are talking about the same thing(s).
NOTHING IS WRONG WITH BEING NICE BUT
BE YOUR BEST SELF
BE CONFIDENT
BE A LEADER
ASSERTIVE
so i should be deads
That’s not true. Check emotionally stability scientifically, it’s similar to confidence and fearlessness. If you were Achilles, that brave and confident you’ll bend any woman over
I’m a nice guy, probably close enough to the internet stereotype, whatever it actually is, and I think I’m gonna stay that way. 3 reasons:
1) the definition seems to change when it’s convenient. I realized this when treating people with respect was regularly regarded as manipulative behavior. 2) I know guys who don’t treat women with respect, and they have laundry lists of girls they’ve slept with. I tried their way and it didn’t work for me because it wasn’t genuine. These days, I have my own style, and I don’t really care for those sorts of women anyway. 3) my kindness has never been weakness. It comes with a strong sense of justice. I don’t mix well with people who play stupid games.
Ditto
I regard myself as a nice enough Man. I am from Ireland. It’s true most women are attracted to Men who are not Nice or Kind.
They seem to think these type of men will be Ruthless and Make lots of Money. But living with them can be tough for Women.
Big difference between being "nice" and kind. Most "nice guys" I know are pussies. Most kind guys I meet have niceties to their demeanor but are not push-over, whiny bitches. So yeah. Good for you.
@@JosephCollins-mk5ro you can be kind and not nice. Ever come across a kind person who isn't nice? It seems like an oxymoron, but they are out there.
NIce talk from a nice guy - with personal strength!
Guys, just be yourselves and if a woman doesn’t like it kick her out and don’t look back.
Not only that, improve your self image alongside learn various skills to better adapt in life without compromising your ethics.
I sincerely agree!
@@tjvista8177I sincerely agree!
Until the parents, and sometimes other family members start questioning why their sons are not having a family of their own, even less dating.
Explain to them that "I'm trying to focus on myself to improve my current situation." And the response will be, "You're being selfish!"
It is as if the concept of being required to one, in order to do the other, is beyond understanding.
Ask me how I know!
Exactly this. The authentic self is wonderful and stress free. This short life here is a soul school and not an interview to please narcissistic women.
Why is treating somebody with respect and dignity a bad thing? I will never understand how other people think. While younger, you want the the asshole but then later you grow up and suddenly want the guy who would have done anything to be with you 20 years ago? Get lost!
Nice guys tm are defensive and can not understand things that oppose the world view they’ve constructed in their heads.
They want to have their cake and eat it to...plain and simple. An older woman wants a nice guy long after they realized they fucked up.
It's possible to be confident enough to treat others kindly out of genuine caring, without concern for whether this will make you look weak. That kind of strength shows when you are considerate of others. This is very different from being nice to others out of the desperate hope that they will like you.
Agreed
The issue is not being respectful and nice. The issue is desiring long term relationship with one woman, which is what 'nice guys' usually want. Women can feel it, such guys are projecting needy vibes, and when they are not interested or ready for long term, they have to run away from those guys, simply calling them 'nice guys'. Many women actually want nice guys, except they may not want to enter long term relationship, at least not right away. This of course changes once she gets older and wants to settle down...
There's a book called Casanova Playbook of Magnetism, and it talks from body language and conversaton starters to dark mind tricks and flirting through texts, it's the real deal
cant find it...
I've been going by the Caveman playbook. From Petroglyph pet names to hair grab tricks and flirting through stone tablets. Seriously though I have heard of Casanova playbook but the loincloth thing seems to be working for me till I get my new wheels hewn out.
The book that started all the dating advice and techniques is called the "Art of Macking" . It came out in the 90s. Read that. @@robertonovais9736
Spammer.
Diddy book
I am a very nice person. I don’t any issues with self respect, being decisive or any of the things Courtney mentioned in this video. It’s called being a gentleman and having class and manners. I’m also very successful. I can’t tell you the amount of women who when we were in high school and college would look past me but now desire to be in a relationship with me. If you’re weak then yeah change that. If you’re a nice guy, gentlemen with class and manners then keep being you. These women out here aren’t changing who they are to accommodate you in any way. Let that sink in.
I've discovered that I don't generally neatly "fit" into all these boxes women keep trying to make for guys. I, too, am a gentleman- but as my dad says: "You still give off a 'Don't F with me vibe". I guess that's a mix of combat, lived life experience, and my natural personality.
Awesome job man. I'd say your 'niceness' is coming from a genuine and grounded place. Not a wounded and needy place. Especially given you also have decisiveness and assertiveness. For me I like to label that as being a kind man. Or mature man. Call it nice if you like. But for me I feel for many people niceness often comes from an inauthentic place. Where has kindness comes a loving and genuine place. That's my opinion anyway ✌️
@tdrive398 I'd highly suggest the book King Warrior Magician Lover. Might give you a better understanding of a well rounded man. Which you sound like you are already embodying in many ways ✌️
Well said and very true.
@tdrive398 I understand what your saying I believe I am somewhat simular. It has to do wisdom and life experiences. I come from a area where people are nice naturally. Not quite the same thing as what she is talking about though. Hey I treat people with respect and don't get upset when their random decision computer (brain) goes haywire and they act out. I'm not changing myself to make them happy.
I find the " Nice guy card" is brought mostly so women can reject decent guys that lack swagger/ritz/looks/money or whatever they are truly attracted and don't look shallow or superficial by admitting.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 perfect quick explanation !!!!
I agree
Nice guys are basically guys who are compliant, and pushover.
Neither of the traits she lists has anything to do with swagger/ritz/looks/money. They are the real indicators of a Nice Guy.
@@ElementalismI can accept that maybe I'm a little too compliant, which begs the question. What should I say no to?
The real issue isn’t being a nice guy. It’s those 90% of men that don’t have the necessary physical traits that women require before she will even communicate with a man. That initial attractiveness is what gives a man the chance to interact with women. Tall, handsome, muscular with the appearance of wealth and status wins the race. But Female content creators will never come out and actually say it. Especially those with a system to sell. Selling false hope is terrible. The man looses his money and is still alone.
You sir are 100% correct.
Except that on average, there is a higher % of american men with attractive attributes than american women.
Initial attractiveness of the woman is what makes the man want to bother in the first place, so trying to paint it as one sided, misses the bigger picture, that it is a two way street, but actually, far more so, that the male can be wealthy yet physically mediocre, and attract lots of physically attractive women, yet a rich but mediocre looking (let's say 5 out of 10 rated) woman, isn't going to attract nearly as many physically attractive men.
@stinkycheese804 it's true that most men place little to no value on a woman's wealth. The actual problem is still the same. 90% of women only want the top 10% of men. Otherwise it's considered settling. Hundreds of studies, charts, and statistics have proven this. Yielding the same basic result, and those are the numbers. Tall, handsome, high status, and wealthy is what they all want.
@Clydeshelton-k9b Sure, the frequency of selection for alpha males is higher, but the retention rate is lower. Remember, the sub-alphas exist, meaning their probably sub-alpha parents managed to procreate despite your odds suggesting otherwise.
Swipes don't mean a lot.
@Clydeshelton-k9b Nope, just plain wrong. A 7/10 male can get a 10/10 female. 5/10 female will just get tossed aside after sex and it takes alcohol to make that happen.
It's funny because now that I'm older I'm surrounded by older women who are broken and helpless after going through all of the not so nice guys. They're begging for a nice guy and asking where are they all hiding? Oh sweetie, it's not "where" they're hiding, it's "when." You left them in your past, looked right over them, and destroyed any that you did get your hands on. They're settled down now with someone that saw and valued what they had to offer and they're not buying time machines to go back to give you a second chance.
You are totally correct!!
I was always put in the friend zone by women when I was younger!
It wasn’t a problem with self confidence, I always was secure in knowing who I was and in being happy with who I was.
Still, the women back then just did NOT want nice guys, they wanted the challenge of dating the tough and mean guys, because don’t you know, they were going to change them. Of course, they were never able to do that.
Now, in middle age, the women have had it with the problems these men cause them and they are actively looking for a nice guy.
I never got hit on by a woman back then, but I sure do now!!
The "oh sweetie" 😂
🎯
@@jimcityboy5106 Where do you see these "waves", and what constitutes the last wave starting 9 years ago, what happened then, your refering to the social apps on mobile?
Truly, sir! ✊✊👏👏👏
As someone who used to be the nice person, I realize that it was deeply rooted to severe childhood trauma since as a kid I was heavily neglected and abused. Now, I'm on my healing journey with self work and therapy.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Wishing you all the best ❤️
Its took me a while to get there too. I see it now that even a used car salseman ripping you off can be nice too. Being good doesnt always come off as nice
@@CourtneyRyan Thank you so much!
@@CourtneyRyan As I'm healing from my complex trauma, I sometimes feel like many men with complex trauma have to do a lot of healing and self improvement while most women with unresolved trauma are still accepted by many men. But when it's the other way around, many women will turn down men who are still healing, which seems really shallow on their part. But this is just from personal experience. I know both genders can be very shallow, nowadays.
I think Nice guy in U.S must be different to the rest of the planet, i think you all mean desperate door mats, thats not the same as being a nice guy..
I've always been a nice person simply by being of the mindset of 'treat people how you expect to be treated in return'. This is absolutely nothing to do with inadequacy with regard to confidence or having severe childhood trauma.
I will not hide away from the fact that my parents divorced, but this was an extremely young age and I wasn't even old enough to witness or remember the breakdown in my Mother and Father's marriage actually happening. My Stepdad has been there for as long as I can remember and lived with me for most of my living memory too. My Dad also got remarried around 11 years ago and on the whole it's been a typical upbringing.
I just go about life trying to set the standard for every other human out there, be the bigger person and sort of resonate being a decent person onto others and be humble and respectful in doing so. The fact that so many women do not desire a man of higher standards is frankly a reflection on themselves and their own imperfections, laziness and lack of empathy and/or ability or willingness to try and be a decent person to everyone you come across. If someone gives you a reason to no longer be decent to them then you just no longer have them in your lives or interact with them. Basically the silent treatment, and that works much more powerfully than falling down to their level and playing them at their own 'everyone is flawed', 'nobody is perfect' games. State the obvious with those two statements, but it sure as hell doesn't prevent you from trying to be the very best version of yourself both to yourself and to anyone you encounter in this life. If a woman doesn't have the balls or bravery to even give a 'nice' guy a chance, then that's on her.
My parents divorced when I was 3, and only now at 40 my therapist helped me to realize, that as a child I had thought it had something to do with me, and that I was the reason why I barely saw my dad anymore (only every third weekend). Mom died when I was 10, and I blamed myself for not being with her more in that last year when she was sick...I thought maybe I could have done something to help her or make her happier. Just wanted to say, kids have a tendency to blame themselves for things they don't understand, because they only know their own little world, and mom and dad are Gods. This was the core of my need to make everyone like me.
I was of the mindset you describe, too, until I realized something. The reason why I didn't feel like I was setting myself aside when being overly nice, caring and catering to everyone else, was that I didn't really have a life myself to cater to. Once I started to prioritize scheduling in time to work on my own hobbies and dreams, developing new ones, and becoming more outgoing, I started to realize how much I had been putting my own wants and needs aside, to be something for other people. Most of those people didn't reciprocate, and I never noticed, because I had that same mindset "do unto others as you would have them do unto you", so I never expected to get anything in return; I thought everyone should do that, and that I would show them by doing that. That's all well and good, but if they NEVER reciprocate or even reach out first or ask about you or show up to help you move etc., then you have to set yourself straight; those people are not engaging with you in a reciprocative fashion, so they are not worth spending all your energy and precious time on. Especially, if you have wants, needs or dreams yourself, that are unfulfilled. You cannot be something for everyone else, if you aren't taking care of yourself. I now have 4 close friends and 5 loose friends, who all reciprocate about the same as I do, and they show interest in being with me, invite me to things, listen to my troubles and share theirs with me. And I have lots of time to myself and to meet new people, who I vet slowly to see if they're worth pouring into.
You're right about silent treatment as a test of "will they engage with me first, if I don't", but you have to gauge it around what kind of person they are. Some people are bad at reaching out or are incredibly busy, but are very attentive and loving in person. If they never contact you first AND do not offer anything in person, then you can either have an adult talk with them, which may improve the relationship OR expedite their leaving your life, or you can do the silent treatment thing; it's just a very passive approach and you are the only one feeling the loss, since the other person doesn't know it's happening.
I would also say, that when you make sure to follow your own wants, needs and dreams, you're much more likely to run into like-minded people, who will be a better match for friendships and relationships, and having things in common boosts the will to be reciprocative.
This is much healthier for me, and I can see that it also has a positive effect on my dating life, as I am now attracting naturally, instead of having to chase. It's awesome!
@@UltromanTheTacoman It must've taken a fair bit to share this so thanks for the insight. Losing your Mother at 10 years old is categorically childhood trauma and so it's vastly different to my childhood. Luckily both my parents are still alive at my age of 36 today. And fortunately I also saw my Dad usually once a week on Sundays and he was able to take me to swimming lessons and that did give my Mom a breather from me and my older sister.
Your point about having a life is somewhat valid and I do think this stems a lot from the luck of the draw of the family and social class that you're born into. If money is tight (and with divorced parents it sometimes can be more difficult than for a stable family with married parents) it can definitely impact on valuable life experiences as a child (whether that's going to different places frequently, and coming into contact with people from many different walks of life and cultures to help you become more rounded) as well as opportunities opened to you (you can basically be given more vocational and activity based classes as a child if you have more well off parents, such as having music lessons, taking horse riding lessons, going on fancier school trips, and just having more items that make a big difference to any young person's development such as their own computer from the youngest possible age, which in today's climate it's smartphones, etc). Everything I've said there outlines a clear headstart on having a much more varied life and increased likelihood of knowing what things you like and don't like if you get to experience a large number of different things as a child.
For me I've found that I've been discovering most things since my mid-late teens and in my 20s and 30s. I did ask for a drumkit for either my 15th birthday or Christmas of that year and I compromised for a second hand guitar and 10 watt amp (which was around £80). Kids in my school of the same age were being treated to brand new guitars of £200-£500 value by their parents for example, and I had to make do with what I had. I only went on holiday abroad for the first time when I was 10 years old (on the cusp of turning 11), to Florida and that's only because my Nan/Dad put money aside for it to be used for it, otherwise my Mom and Dad on their own wouldn't have been able to afford it for me. All my holidays were UK seaside holidays and even though I was taken abroad to France when I was very young, maybe 3-5 years old, I don't remember it at all.
I just tend to think that I have developed my life somewhat later than the average person, or definitely the more well off and above average person. And so while I'm 36 now I've been abroad more times in the last 10 years than I have for the first 25 years of my life. It has taken time but I have had a life of my own that I am picky with and am very up front to people about my schedule and when I'm free or not free, and have been this way for a good few years now.
I disagree with the final point you make on the silent treatment when you say the only one feeling the loss is me. That's really not the case. Women absolutely despise silent treatment too and there's almost nothing worse for a woman than being cut out of a group or being given the silent treatment. Women sometimes thrive and often seek out drama, because they like the emotional rollercoaster of arguments and making up afterwards. If you just ignore the woman she can't even get to the argument stage because she's just giving you one way communication and she'll eventually get fed up and give in. At this point you treat her normally again and things may resume as they were before. Friendships can work in a similar manner by way of the other friend not knowing what's going on in my life because they haven't been in contact with me enough to validate them as a good friend. If the next time I meet I'm having to fill them in on 3 months worth of events, trips, things I've done, etc, that's really not a good sign! If there's a roughly equal effort on both my part and their part then I'm happy.
But yes I'm happy to never post on social media and reserve all the good goings on in my life for people that choose to take an interest in me and if you don't reach out then you're going to miss out and be jealous of the friends I actually am sharing my life experiences with. That's the point. They absolutely do know it's happening when you're then spending more time with other friends than them and if they want to be your friend again and/or be at the same level as the friends you're spending more time with then they simply have to up their game otherwise they're going to keep missing out. It's very tactical and I advise you to try it yourself sometime. The only way people can know what is going on in my life is if they talk to me in person face to face, on the phone, or via direct messaging.
Mutual interests do allow you to meet like minded people and that's pretty much common sense. But I'm afraid with dating it's never that straightforward. Yes you might have one interest that matches but it still by no means implies you're a great match. Your values and political views may be completely unaligned. Your preference on the future with regards to marriage and children might be polar opposites. You might just have different vibes completely and just not really get on that well outside of the said activity. The activity is great in the moment while it's happening but it's all the other 99% of the time when that activity isn't happening that tests whether you're truly compatible with someone. Additionally, people can and do change, as can their interests. Some people can get bored or fall out of love with interests and/or are the type of people to just continuously try new things. How would you go about matching with them if you're so deeply passionate and devoted to this one particular interest which they then walk away from after 6 months? I often find that interests are just an excuse and a cover for people to meet partners because people don't have the balls to go up to people on the spot anymore and state their intentions. Women think it's needy and creepy if any guy walks up to them and claims he finds her incredibly attractive and wants to get to know her more. He has to play it cool and use flirting and body language to slowly heat up the interactions and I'm sorry but I'm your 30s and beyond this just gets extremely tiresome to do and I'd honestly prefer just getting straight to the point and stop wasting time.
There's so many variables to consider in the whole topic of dating and as we can resoundingly say here, the aspect of being a nice guy or not is a FRACTION of what an entire guy has to offer and what he brings to the table. There are plenty of traits and phrases to describe women which are negative overall, but again these don't on their own define them. And for the most part, the majority of men would be willing to look past them as long as she satisfies the majority of other things he is looking for. Women just can't seem to do this, and they operate in reverse. If a guy gives a girl an 'ick', for whatever reason she 'feels', she then writes him off entirely, EVEN IF 99% of everything else about him might be absolutelyn perfect for her, in her strange way of thinking, she cannot reconcile that 99% positive and 1% negative is actually an overall GREAT guy!
One of the most significant things my girlfriend in high school ever told me is that certain girls like mean guys or bad boys because they actually crave the attention from their friends, sisters, and family when the guy does something wrong. They are willing to take that sorrowful attention over the negative activities that the guy partakes in. I would say this to dudes, be careful of a girl who is attracted to you because you are a bad boy type; if the relationship progresses any significant amount you could be the one left wondering, and not understanding the position you eventually find yourself in.
I don't want a woman like that. Not now, not ever.
I am reminded of a conversation with a coworker several years ago about post divorce dating, and his observation of “the worse you threat them, the better off you are”. That holds water. It shouldn’t.
All of this relationship mud Reminds me of the verse about being more attracted to darkness than to light. There needs to be a lot more “resist the devil, and he will flee…”’instead of contemporary style of embracing the devil.
As someone who attended church twice this weekend, this was the best reaction to this video that I’ve read today!
"That holds water. It shouldn’t"
+1
And fwiw it didn't just a few years ago, at least not functionally in society. Men haven't changed that much. And yet, nevertheless, here we are.
I suppose if I want to date I will need to embrace my dark triad traits which society previously rewarded me for suppressing.
The best thing I could have done for myself in the last few years is to simply focus on myself. I am happy and thankful with where I am at right now in my life. I feel confident and I aim to keep a positive, rational perspective on the things I do day-by-day. It's normal to want more (believe me, I know the feeling), and I take the pro-active approach at a pace I feel most comfortable with. I still have a long way to go, and at this point, I'm going to simply enjoy the journey and the pleasures that life has to offer each day.
This is truly a universal trait that is not gender-specific. Really nice people do not know when they are being nice because they simply do what they think is the right thing to do. Being a nice person is not like putting on a shirt and suddenly becoming a nice person.
Being authentically nice is carrying out or offering to carry out kind gestures without expecting anything in return. "Nice guys" think that by being nice they are "owed" something from the other party. People don't owe you shit. Being nice is not meant to be a transactional exchange.
Its called being a decent person, not a 'nice' one.
If you are too nice to her, she starts to see you as inferior.
There's a difference between kind and nice. As the saying goes, "the East Coast is kind but not nice, while the West Coast is nice but not kind."
@@GetBenched2010 She’s using the word ‘nice’ for this video, so we will stick with the word ‘nice.’ Yes, I know that the words ‘nice,’ ‘good,’ and ‘decent’ are similar but not the same. If we all start adding our own words, it will derail miles away from what she is saying.
Being a nice guy is the worst type of man to be in Western society. The worst of the worst criminals in prison for life get love letters. Nice guys never get anything.
Asi es
I would still rather be a nice guy (even if a lot of women find me invisible) than be a criminal in prison. You get the wrong type of love in prison.
No, not being at least a 7/10 in looks is the worst type of men in society
They get love letters from psychotic women, not healthy women who have their heads on straight.
There’s a big difference between being a nice person and being a pushover
Exactly! 👊👊✊✊👏👏👌👌
The problem is good intentions always seems to result in the worst of results. Add in countless rejections and the by product is zero confidence and this cycle repeats itself until the guy eventually just removes himself from the dating pool completely. Attempting to date has taken me to very dark places and truthfully I've arrived at the stage where I look around and none of the options available are attractive at all so am I really missing out, probably not. What I do have to live with is absolutely not possibility of dating people I really want to date because, well no surprise the result is rejection. You are spot on in this video. Reality is, even if I were confident, I'd be rejected for some other reason.
good intentions help thirds. person being helped needs to change / take action by themselves. there is the lift as you raise, and this is not incompatible. Good example is still there, change is there, it's just not change as people tend to expect it.
also, the rational answer to this problem is to actually date more, by more, more variety and amount. this maximizes chances of encountering better compatibility. you would gain experience, criteria, confidence, friendships, and maybe most importantly the ability to choose!! not be chosen! giving to (nurturing self), and knowing yourself becomes the reinforcement that also reduces risk of bad choices.
Women crave mistreatment from the non-nice guys, but then complain about it.
You’re a nice guy alright
@@c0nvict_pleb174 You'd think that.
@@c0nvict_pleb174 He is 100% correct
This is not true. Plenty of genuinely nice guys have these traits and women still don't want them. Women are politically correct and they speak in platitudes. Women like toxicity, regardless of how they'll try and spin it.
Exactly. This is the real truth behind the silly "nice guy" tag. It's 100% female rationalisation and unwillingness to face their own sexuality and nature head on. They are attracted to toxic traits and just struggle to admit it out loud
Being a "nice guy" often comes from us acting towards women the way our (often single) mothers drilled into us from day one that we were to act towards women.
My mom had poor experiences with mine and my sisters' dads, and she was determined to make me different. And so she did. I became exactly the man she intended, but for whatever reason she didn't realize until later that she had "saved" some non-existent woman in the future by condemning her own son.
The way it feels is like this: imagine if someone told you that crime was now not only legal, but necessary. Not necessary for your survival, but necessary for your long-term happiness and fulfillment. You hate the sound of it, but you have to accept that it's true. So you go and shove a kid off his bike and steal it for yourself. You callously ride away as he lays in the street crying. Afterwards you feel TERRIBLE, as you would, even though in this cruel world it's your only choice for happiness. You start to doubt that your own fulfillment is worth this terrible cost and decide to just opt out altogether.
That is how it feels when you go against the way your mom raised you your whole life in dealing with women. Naturally, most women aren't going to be romantically interested in you, and it feels like you're hurting them. Regardless of what you know, regardless of what anyone tells you, it still feels like you're knowingly choosing to be the bad man your mom always warned/beat you not to be.
Going back to the crime world, it feels like you're going on a spree of wanton violence, leaving a trail of devastation and traumatized people in your wake, looking for the one person out of 100 that inexplicably actually likes being assaulted and robbed, all in the service of your own selfish happiness and fulfillment.
I kind of went through a similar experience, but the difference was that there was no divorce in my case , it was just the case that my mom was a hyper conservative woman when it comes to relationships
I want to hug you . This. Comment should be the multiverse pov of nice guys! “Crime is now legal “. I’ve drastically improved and don’t even consider myself nice. My advice is try and coach boys and how to be masculine, in teaching people you learn new things. Also try to implement want you learn. Learn how to ask a lady out for example you never say let’s go on a date. Instead you say let’s go out for drinks. Compete in a sport or combat sport like sparring , hunt , develop that masculine core, read Jordan Peterson and find out the story of the mother that destroys the child. Your mom as an archetype, hate the archetype but love her. Understand she knows nothing about men. And help other boys. Report to me if you do any of this, good luck. Remember we’ll l all die.
It's mostly mothers who've trained their sons to be nice guys which has wound up ruining them and putting them at a disadvantage in seeking a female mate.
Years ago if you treated a woman like a Queen she would treat you like a King. When you treat one like a Queen today she treats you like a servant. My how times have changed.
Treating a girl like a queen is considered needy, many prefer being treated like trash by guys who seem to make for a challenge.
@@smartengineering8934this is exactly it, women somehow find men that treat them like shit and act like they don’t care very attractive. Not sure what the big attraction is there cos it makes you look arrogant and over confident
If you treat them like garbage, they'll treat you like a king. I've seen it many times in life in other people's relationships.
@@GyobuTheDemonOniwa Happens all the time. It's quite sickening. Then these men try to bring that same energy into other people and get a reality check real quick.😂
I agree being attracted to a guy who treats you like shit makes no sense especially from the male perspective as most men run away from chaos where most women seem to run towards it. There could be several reasons for this namely women see things more through an emotional prism where men tend to use more logic and reason regarding being in a toxic relationship. I’m sure everyone here has known a woman at one time or another who was involved with an abusive guy and convincing the woman to leave was like trying to raise the Titanic. And how often have we’ve seen women break up with a guy who treats her like shit only to wind up with another guy who does the very same thing? Some theorize that women like this have only had negative male roll models in their lives starting with their fathers and this is what they see as “normal” behavior in men. When they meet a genuine nice guy who would treat her like a Queen they find this behavior strange if not suspect and just stay with the asshole they’re used to.
"Avoiding conflicts" can go both ways. You can make a fuzz about anything. Or you can stand your ground when necessary. Choose your battles wisely.
Absolutely agree!
Disagree, avoiding conflicts is almost always seen as unattractive by women. Like if someone said something demeaning to your SO at a bar, the rational thing is of course to avoid conflict and just go somewhere else. Most women however find that behavior incredibly unattractive.
I sincerely agree!
Heh heh, I think you mean fuss. Not fuzz.
I am puzzled by your comment. I am a gentleman and a romantic and I love conflict. I seek it out and revel in it. And I do so with girls. I find that the best chemistry that I have with a lady is when we fight like cats and dogs over politics or religion. If I don't have this tension-inducing, dramatic dynamic with a girl, then we are not suited to each other. The level of conflict can be so intense that it can be disturbing (or entertaining) to onlookers. But this love to conflict has zero to do with being kind and loving-eros plus storge (caring love).
Unfortunately our current culture seems to equate “nice” with “weak”. You can be genuinely nice, strong and independent. One of my favorite quotes is: “Don’t mistake kindness for weakness” - Larry Hartsell
Yep, Sadly had to demonstrate this to my EX a few times ...she still continued the BS ..hence, EX.
@@johto Sorry to hear that. 😞
@@SouthPadreTony It became a lose lose situation for both even when i tried to change it around. Oh well, live and learn 👍
This was a super helpful video! Like rewind, journal, and really self-reflect on this all month helpful. Having been a rejected people pleaser all my life, I could never really figure out why I felt so "stuck" in this perpetual state of being the "nice guy." It comes down to seeing yourself just as valuable as everyone else. Thanks Courtney! 😁
It’s my pleasure! So so glad I can help 🥹
Myself and my four brothers, were brought up to 'don't upset people', don't annoy people, don't interfere with what people are doing, don't fight, don't argue with people, and keep away from trouble etc. I just seemed to end up avoiding situations in case any of this might happen.
Girls literally say they prefer toxic over "boring nice guys"
I have seen situations where an unattractive, boring guy has an attractive girlfriend, one of which is where they are both in a social set of some kind ( religious, family back ground, financial, cultural, political etc.) and have a greater dedication to the group than each other.
That's how you know they're not smart enough to be relationship material. They'll wake up in their 30's wondering where it all went wrong.
girls won't direclty admit that but yes, they love bad guys. just be one. When I stopped being nice and become a jerk I had lots of silly gurls. also they love idiots so you have just to pretend to be stupid, you still can be smart with your friends
@@MotorheadForever7 then Don’t be boring. Go do stuff. Live life.
Women prefer a*sholes, whileas themselves many have Karenism.
Btw, it's ok to be nice and get rationally angry for it not being "reciprocated". I had to cut off ties with a male friend of mine for taking his shit talk too far with me and didn't accept my boundaries and feelings. I told him that if he told me that shit that he just did in real life to my face, he would have no more teeth. Am I a nice guy? Yes... but nice guys will pop after being pushed far enough.
Be a good man, not a nice guy
@@Ozzy-Mag What is being "good". Explain yourself. Because to me, being good, is to respect others. Treat them the way you would want to be treated. Or am i bat shit crazy?
I'm with you on that one! And no, that does not disqualify you from being a nice person at all.
@@alwaysemployed656 It's a form of narissitc gas lighting from others.. to not be a nice guy and then get completely judged for not being nice anymore and standing up for yourself. I've been getting way better at this though. It's better to stand up for yourself and lose people in your life over it, versus be pushed around by them. You have to be cool with being called an asshole by delusional haters that want to bring others down, because they are down. This video has all the right intentions, but damn is it not that easy. Unfortunatley, the truth is to find a balance between nice guy and bad guy.
@@DDuffy143 No need to explain. I know exactly what you’re talking about. You’re the stealthy, fast mover who is miles ahead of the rest of the male tribe. The other tribe members resent you for not slowing down to their level, so they gang up against you. That’s a metaphor, by the way.
I feel like I always excel with the early stages of dating. Then, when things start to get serious, don’t know how to proceed or get stuck
Oooh maybe I will make a video about this! I’d love for you to elaborate if you’re open to sharing
Holy cow I feel like my inner insecure self just commented on YT when I read that.
@@CourtneyRyan That would be helpful I feel! I feel like part of my issue is insecurity, but given my dating inexperience also fear of the unknown. Like I can generate the chemistry and socialize well, but then get nervous/overwhelmed with where everything will lead
That's because the wm you're dating are out of control.
With the right person things should never be serious, or rather, 'feel heavy'. Try to maintain lighthearted, flirty, ease and delight energy, even in those serious moments when work situations and living is tough. Don't allow the relationship dribble down into heaviness. Whenever you noticethe relationship energy dragging, speak it or loud, then break that pattern. This is the key.
I think a lot of this nice guy syndrome is due to those guys being bullied in crucial development years and it just persists into adulthood. It depends on how the people around you (if any) support you during those years. If you don't get helped, you start seeking validation from anyone just to combat the idea of people not liking you
Schools and teachers need to be held accountable for not doing anything when students are being bullied.
@@OneFreeMan17 as do parents. A lot of parents let things go because “it isn’t that bad” but it mentally scars children and builds deep rooted insecurities
Having parents that are physically present but emotionally distans can be the root cause of this. When a childs emotional needs arent met in the most crucial years, the child can feel like there is something wrong with it and becomes a people pleaser in adult years because they develop a feeling of wanting everyone to like them, even at the cost of their own mental health
@@OneFreeMan17And they should not punish them when they fight back, verbally or physically.
There is probably a degree of truth to this but I also think when a person gets rejected all the time, their sense of value drops and the idea that they are valueless arrives. To combat this they put good energy back into the world, try to be a decent person to find their own sense of value which has been severely eroded due to the hammering confidence takes with constant rejection. I truly believe rejection over an extended period is extremely harmful to most people.
Yup, I am a nice guy. If women don't like it then move on I don't want you. There is always someone who will appreciate you. Do not ever be so nice that you allow your girlfriend, wife, co-worker or friends to walk all over you. This is your life and a women in it is a blessing or can be a horrible curse.
I think that's the point she's trying to make by basically saying "nice guy" has gotten a bad rap on the internet to mean clingy, pushover etc like you described.
Support better be a nice guy but don't be a doormat
*The traits mentioned really resonate, especially the importance of being assertive and emotionally intelligent. It’s a reminder that being a great partner means embracing all aspects of oneself, not just the nice parts!*
The human nature is so weird… hypersensitive, anxious people with fear of rejection: NOT WELCOME!
Manipulative, abusive, insensitive narcissists: WELCOME!
I think you have hit on a key characteristic that separates romantic men from Dark Triad men (or even men who are not psychopaths but are more average) and that is sensitivity. Romantic men sense and feel things more readily and deeply while insensitive men are quite the opposite, and there are men in-between on a spectrum. Consequently, more sensitive men are better able to sense a woman's psyche and soul and feel the deep connection with her, if there is indeed one there, as well as the physical attraction. He is also better able to evoke a romantic response in the (right) woman, but not just any woman. Whereas, the less sensitive man simply goes by an obvious visual physical attraction. He senses little or nothing of her soul and her psyche. He does not feel any inherent connection with any woman. He doesn't have the finely tuned "sensors" to pick up on what is the foundation to genuine erotic love, or any kind of love for that matter-philia, storge, and certainly not agape.
I wrote out a fairly long analysis of two kinds of womanizers that apparently did not go up in reply to another commentator on this video. Here is a summary. One is a pure exploitive jerk with no regard for anyone but himself. But then there is a more sophisticated womanizer who is more intelligent and more personable. What they have in common is liking to have sex with a variety of women (being a trait common to all men) but with little respect or regard for a woman personally. Both of these type of men prefer the company of men for any interaction other than sex. They both hold women in low regard. They seem to be incapable of getting anything out of a relationship with a woman that is more subtle or complex. Now, there are insensitive women as well as men, so there are women who lack a capacity for being emotionally captivated by a man on this deeper, more spiritual level. These less sensitive women are highly stimulated by both the physical relationship primarily and ramping up their anticipation of that cruder, more simple payoff to the interaction in the erratic attention of the man than the more constant attention of the man with deeper emotions who is primarily moved by emotions and the intellect than the raw intense feelings of the body. Hence, the difference between high marginal pleasure from association with less sensitive men and average pleasure that leads to a greater total pleasure over time that comes from more sensitive men. The more subtle pleasures don't really show up for the less sensitive and so they are bewildered by the intensity of the romantics who sense things that others don't feel and so don't understand or appreciate.
The more romantic man who is more responsive to the emotional and cognitive connection with a woman must realize is that most women are simply not for him since they lack this depth and sensitivity as well as other men lacking their sensitivity. He should be able, if he is paying strict attention to his intuitive abilities, to distinguish the girl who is on the "same wavelength" as him, whom he is attuned to and she is attuned to him, from other girls whom he does not share this potential bond.
The problem is that these girls are few and far between. Even if he does meet this girl who is right for him, he must be in a financial position to care for her as his wife. Unlike women, men cannot get married anytime they come across the right person. Romantic men are not for casual relationships with females. That is out of the question for them, and really should be for anyone. So, what do you do if you are not in this position or have not yet met this girl with whom you are so compatible? Men's sexual urges as well as more romantic men's need for in-depth relationships are present now and have been since he was about 13 years old. This question of what to do in the short run is vexing and one that I don't have an answer for other than to wait until you find the right girl for you.
I married the wrong girl at the right time after I reasoned myself into it. But you cannot reason yourself, as you make trade-offs, into love. We each have to feel it and be overwhelmed by it. Love is not calm and stable as we heard in this video. If a marriage is not based in tenacious devotion to the right girl, you and she are in for misery over time. The keys to a successful marriage and a marriage that makes women, as well as men, the happiest are when the man is passionately devoted to his wife and he earns a good living that provides at least 2/3 of the family income (marriage for women, not for men, is more of a financial institution). So, it's best to wait. What gets these more sensitive men into trouble is trying to get going with the wrong girl who is not appreciative of the man's temperament, his character, and his devotion to her, and most women are not the right fit for this kind of man. If you meet the right girl, they will appreciate all of these traits, if not up front (although usually it will be very quick but not in all cases) then she will over time. If it's the latter, don't force it but be persistent.
As for sensitivity being key to a person's temperament, and the importance of temperament, see the work of Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan. Also, take a look at the application of Carl Jung's revival of ancient temperament types in *Please Understand Me: Character & Temperament Types,* by David Keirsey and the Myers/Briggs Temperament Test.
@@christophergraves6725 it took me some time and patience to read your long text.
"The problem is that these girls are few and far between": That scares me because they're also quickly taken. Happened too many times, causing me every time a deep sense of distrust, if not depressive states.
I've known someone for almost a year, back then she had already broken up with her partner. This summer she took me on a holiday in Greece, still looking for a new one.
We're very affectionate to each other, I'm open to something more, it doesn't depend only on me. I don't want to force it, but I hope she'll find the time for it.
Let's see if she's the right one for me.
But I'm also open to new opportunities, even if they're so rare.
It's been a horrible year, twice in love with someone already taken, my sense of confidence requires a long recovery.
@@christophergraves6725 thank you so much for sharing such profound knowledge/wisdom/life experience.
you misspelled Zionism.. lol
Because strong and confident ones tended to be more productive and fit for competiton.
Courtney has hit the nail on the head about these. Sadly, the emotional stability can be problematic, despite being a required trait in men. Women often complain that their man is not emotionally available. We do not know how to be emotionally available and emotionally stable at the same time, or how to balance the two. Many of us have personally experienced or watched our male friends express emotions of fear or weakness only to watch the woman they love leave him. "If he's weak, how can I rely on him to be strong for me?". Being emotionally limited is the lesson we learn. It's truly an ugly position in to be in as a man. Be a rock and emotionally unavailable, or express your weakness only to watch the woman you love leave you. This topic alone might make an interesting video
Absolutely this 100%
I'm thinking the only way forward is to train yourself to lose your natural sense of empathy and just do what makes you happy but i really hope there's another way that doesn't require so much collateral damage.
Precisely this has happened to me. Fellas, never show a woman your true emotions or ask her for emotional support. Rather than giving it to you, she'll see you as weak or unstable and leave you.
Wait what? Being a nice guy is now a syndrome? Hilarious. What a dysfunctional world we live in now. Please stop this nonsense. Women can have unrealistic cravings. Nice guys are just polite beings who try not to bother people. Nothing to do with insecurities or being clingy.
Isaiah 5:20
20 Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
NO MORE MR NICE GUY
is available on UA-cam in spoken form.
I've listened to it several times. Definitely worth your time listening to it .
Thanks, I'll have to check it out.
Did it help? Like practically speaking?
I have all four of those. I am very independent, stable and I have a plan for my life. Women still want nothing to do with me but at least I have those traits.
Welp... Selfish life it is then.
@@section9999 ??
I'm still in the nice guy category because I get along with almost everyone and I never liked being mean at all. But you did have a point about what you listed and I can kinda relate.
Happy Sunday Everyone! It's time for another GREAT week!
That’s right! 🤍
I love how you touched on the issue of emotional stability and decisiveness. This connects so well with the halo effect, where people believe that being ‘nice’ will make everything else fall into place. A friend of mine used to think that being overly kind and agreeable was enough to win women over, but he lacked decisiveness and confidence, which led to frustration in his relationships. He learned that these qualities are crucial in balancing kindness with emotional strength, and your video captures this transformation
Remember fellas, being nice is not a bad thing, while it is Being nice with an agenda. You can be kind and treat people with respect without being a pushover, the most important thing is to not lie to yourself, and always think that seeking validation from others just distracts you from the real task, which is validate yourself first. From experience I can say that is not an easy fix, as I’m still far from fixing it myself, but being aware of that is the first step towards making it.
"Nice" guys can have these traits too. I get what Courtney is saying, but a lot of good nice guys get a bad rap because women on the Internet hook up with what they think are nice guys (in other words, bad judgement) but they are just creeps or players masquerading as a nice guy. Then complain that these nice guys are creeps. They were never a nice guy to begin with and the women dont want to admit they made a bad judgement call.
Exactly, they are always being fooled by the fake nice guys, so they trash all nice and good men and trust none of them now. Because they can't seem to tell the difference. Also they wrongly equate nice with being weak.
Why being a nice guy is understood as being a weak guy who has no self respect in addition to other traits mentioned? A nice guy is a good guy with self respect and is competent overall, but believes in treating others kindly especially to women and people who deserve his kindness instead of being mean and rude. A weak guy is someone who is struggling personally for whatever reason. Most women are used to the toxicity of the few bad men who they get into relationships with, they end up being mistreated, and they misunderstand who’s a nice guy and who’s a bad guy. That’s why.
Society is quite literally built on cooperation and trust. Wasn't too long ago when not being nice got you outcast or shunned by reasonable people. Now, women think nice guys have emotional problems. Nice shoes good, nice guys bad. See?
Doormat, never, but nice didnt used to mean doormat, it meant polite and capable of behaving cooperatively.
But it's all men's fault anyway...
@@swrichmond9782 😂😂😂 True.
I used to lack the first 3 traits before I learned what a Simp was. Obviously when you strike out over and over you lose most of your self-respect. Sure I thought I was emotionally stable but I did place ALL my happiness on getting the girl. Finally it’s hard to be decisive when you want her to like something that you also like (which 99% of women do not). Always been on the independent side as the good friends of mine are all loners and freaks. I have tried to change my mentality for the better on all of these traits but I still believe women are the ultimate prize in life. Hugh Hefner was the luckiest man in history!
1. lack of self-esteem
2. lack of emotional stability
3. lack of decisiveness
4. lack of independence and passion
It was the lack of self-esteem for me until my thirties. If you don't believe you're the best man for the woman that you want, and can give some good reasons to anyone challenging that position, what are you going to say ? 'I'm not very good at things, I'm the second/tenth/hundredth/thousand-th/ man for you. There's many men out there better than me !'
Those 4 things describe a pimp I know, and his women love him.
I have absolutely been this "nice guy". It took me years to realize how many issues I had from my childhood of abuse that lead to low self esteem. I used to think there was no way anyone would ever want me, which only lead to me not taking the green lights from many women and opportunities in my life. I realized that no one is really better than me, and most guys would love to be me. Later in life I basically lost my mind; I questioned everything. I was too open minded and listened to the horrible advice of certain people. I basically hit my own rock bottom. Through exercise, hobbies, weed, therapy, and simply doing things I love, I found myself again. I love who I am and my life is so much more happy.
Love the outfit Courtney and you are an excellent communicator with precise vocabulary! You've come a long way since the beginning of your UA-cam career and congratulations on your well earned success!
You’re incredibly kind 🥹 thank you so much!
The only traits Women want are tall, rich & abusive. Yeah, us nice guys usually don’t have those.
The negative "nice" type stereotype can have a knack of being unintentionally abusive or manipulative so if its the fake type of nice Id not blame them for running. Not saying its all of em but it can happen if you lack emotional regulation or self respect where that insecurity leaks out hard.
You said it…Drunk then they will bang anything…My Late Father told me as a Boy…”Any woman at the right pat the right time and a couple of beers , she’s all yours especially if she is convinced you can keep a secret”…Worked well for me 🙂🙂🙂
Guilty as charged.......
Fits me all the way !!!!!!!!!!!
Broken home, childhood trauma, the goes on and on......
I’m so sorry to hear this but thank you for sharing. You have the power to heal and I hope you know that! ❤️ rooting for you!!
@@CourtneyRyan thank you, Courtney.... I've been seeing a shrink every 2 weeks, it's been helping me a lot....
Good luck out there brother. Your chance of success is slim but if you make it out, you'll make it big. Shadow work has been helping me out I'd recommend giving that a look. Mah boy Carl Jung knows his stuff. 😎
Also, how does avoiding conflict look over reactive or anxious? 2 things I never get into at social gatherings are politics and religion. Am I now a beta, soy boy, "nice guy" people pleaser? No... life is just too short to deal with drama when you've seen how quickly life can end.
A lot of your stuff has been intriguing to listen to, but not always empathetically accurate. You dont and will never know what it's like to be a man.
@DDuffy143 or better let's get a point of view from a man's perspective maybe her husband cam hop on a video sometime.
@@moseskuria1234 Maybe! He better be one hell of a perfect 100% badass loving man. I'd love to see who she chose. That's where the advice should come from. Him.
something tells me she wont read or reply to any of my comments though, especially if it challenges her. I can tell this youtube channel thing is purely business.
How does avoiding conflict bring peace? By avoiding working through potential issues when first encountered allows them to grow until the explode over-reactions. Note: boundaries will naturally generate low level conflict at first. Friends / significant others are ones to be able to discuss viewpoints and to be able to agree to disagree. Social parties can be different with religion and politics.
I don’t think most women can tell the difference between nice and kind
I agree, just because I am polite and a gentleman that treats women with respect, doesn't mean that I expect anything in return. I'm not a door mat but I'm not a dick to women either. We all want to be respected!
I get what she is saying but she makes the so-called "nice guy" sound like a douche bag part of the time.
In my opinion the ultimate form of nice guy you see is when messed men use their money to buy attention, etc. They flaunt it around and love the women that will follow it around. Sure, many of these men are being played but a lot of them don't care. They aquired their wealth and now they use it to gain a relationship/ following. They think it's nice to "HELP" these women out.
I lived in Florida most of my life, so I saw a lot of what I despise about other men. I have always loved the company of a woman. We hang out whether they're just a friend or a girlfriend, I treat them both with respect, and I'm not after anything they have or own. I have my own stuff and I hope you have yours.
@@newfoundvitality4131 when women say nice guy they mean douche bag desperate controlling scared. nice guy to women and nice guy to men are 2 different things and women have to see repeatedly that a guy is strong or she defaults to he isn't
@@davidakerlund6296 I get it, so nice to their face but a manipulating insecure douchebag at heart. I've met many of those types.
Nice guy is defined poorly many times. You can still be nice but strong, decisive, powerful, etc. Who wants to be around someone who is a jerk or mean. Those are definitely not good traits and most people eradicate those types out of their lives. If a girl wants that, you definitely do not want her. She will end up with a miserable life.
I sincerely agree!
You can "nice guy" yourself right off of her radar. Adding more Nice just makes it worse. You are doing it to yourself. Re-wire your mind to being kind when it is called for. Nice is NOT the same. Kind may not get you where you want to go with her, but Nice will take you in the opposite direction.
In my youth, about 31-32YO, I dated and fell head over heels for a single mother woman (I was a single father). She friend zoned me. I was way TOO NICE to her. It was a painful, but effective lesson.
Life is cruel. We must learn to become cruel ourselves. 😭
@@section9999 Not quite sure that's exactly right, but I do get that we should stop stepping on our own toes. Being your own worst enemy, is like...there's no up side. Nice has connotations of 'pay off', like leverage to get her interest. "Kind" is part of your nature all the time, regardless of your proximity to any woman you are interested in or who's watching.
And yes, life is cruel, your character should be forged in that fire, but if you let it consume your honor...work on being kind.
This was me in the past, as I was still trying to navigate social interactions. While I was in fact genuinely nice, I was very unaware of how I was being perceived. Being around others almost 95% of the time hindered me from actually getting to know myself and what I stand for. Looking inward as well as getting away from an environment that wasn't serving me mentally, emotionally, or financially was the key to achieving the happiness and peace of mind I was seeking. Having alone time and being in your thoughts enables you to not only get to know yourself but also helps you to discover passions and hobbies you never knew you had. It also destroys co-dependency and the need to depend on others for fulfillment or validation. If you are going through "nice guy syndrome," please remember to be nice to yourself first! Others, ones who truly value you and care about you, will respect you for that.
A Blessed Sunday ahead everyone.
❤️
Emotional stability is an attractive trait, but many women don't even know what it really looks like or aren't emotional stable themselves. The problem here is, that men always get told what and how they are is wrong, by mostly unhealthy women. I was a bit of a nice guy. I was my main toxic masculine trait. I learned it from my dad. It was the way he loved my mom, and my mom had her own problems. I did not know it was wrong, how was I supposed to know it? I had to learn it later on, and I did. I still set the happiness of my partner before my own. It is always hard in the beginning of a relationship for me, to not overdo it, but this is why I got at it easy and take my time. So I won't get emotionally overwhelmed. Take a step towards her, she takes one to you. Don't run a mile, if she can't handle making a step in your direction (the same goes for guys, of course).
But I also have to say, that most toxic masculine traits I encountered were preached and taught by women. My grandma, my mother, even my sister to an extent. "Get over it", "can't hurt that much", "don't cry", "that's not how a man acts", "ladies first", "Now you're the man" and so on. I had no boundaries, I had no wishes, my life was serving. Love means to serve. And all that bullshit. And so many women, out there, want that type of guy, because this is what they learned a man needs to be. Making them heading towards toxic relationships filled of drama and or violence. I got used so many times it makes my head spin. No more! My goal is a healthy relationship, with a woman who got her heart and head right and expects the same from me. A real partner. Not perfect, just human and knowing their flaws. Together we try to raise a healthy and loving family. To everyone out there, I wish the same and only the best! It is hard work, but you all (men & women) can do it!
Some women who aren't used to being treated with ANY respect will think you're too nice for treating her like a human being, and not a doormat. So there's that part too.. it goes both ways.
There is truth to this - I've met so many women who accept abusive partners because deep down they feel they don't deserve better.
@@BinarySmurfFACTS
@BinarySmurf At the end of the day most women nowadays want bad men/guys for whatever reason
I sincerely agree!
Trait
1. Being a asshole
2. They don't give a shit
3.money
4.not reliable
The 4 traits woman love
Women always claim they like nice guys, I just stopped being nice to them. I only be nice to people that are nice to me. If people mistreat me, I will mistreat them and if a women chooses the bad guy over a nice guy, then I won't have any sympathy for them when it goes against them. If they choose a nice guy, then I will respect them!
Until my twenties i was a so called “Nice Guy”.
(This includes many positive traits that others have to learn later down the line)
Till i had enough from this rejection etc. and realized that I had to change something to better serve myself instead of girls/women, others in general. (Wasn’t their fault anyway)
So I took responsibility for my own life including the things that happened “to me”.
Over the past 10 years I had an interesting time with many ups and downs, lots of work and fun and most importantly learnings to become who i am right now.
I am thankful and proud of the person i became and will continue to become/be the best version of myself!
(Strong impact guaranteed)
Everyone has different goals and opinions what “best” means.
But if you are unhappy with parts of your life, give it your best to change it.
Because if YOU don’t do it, who do you think will do it for you?
Best wishes to you all
Thanks @Courtney btw. for this great video =)
Treat others the way you want to be treated is what boys were told. It was a lie.
It isnt, just got to watch out who will disrespect you especially in subtle ways.
Everything you have said Courtney is so true it is a full on, straight talk, of the truth. My wish is that all the ‘Nice Guys’ of the world read this and implement to save themselves many years of humiliation & misery. You are really addressing the issues that many men are secretly struggling with and need a hand or help to reach out to in order to overcome the fear, be free and be in peace. Thank you Courtney! Please keep doing what you are doing. Your grace, wisdom and care is making a difference and changing lives 😊.
. . lol. . . .
Basic budget Wardrobe video needed both summer ND winter
By watching Courtney's videos over time, I believe she will suggest, for summer:
- Funny t-shirt
- Cargo shorts
- Black crew socks
- Crocs
Hope this helps!
@@GordonRunklePhoto thanks u saved my time ryan don't ever gonna make a new video on this I guess
I find it refreshing to discover that while I did once lack all the things you list, I now do have all those qualities. It took long hard work with a therapist, but I'm there. And people that know me would still think of me as a nice guy. Makes me feel good.
As it should! ❤️
@@CourtneyRyan Kind of you to say so. Thanks.
"Nice Guy Syndrome comes from poor boundaries and low self-confidence which is often a byproduct of coming from a dysfunctional family where your needs weren't met."
Wow, I've never heard someone explain it so clearly before. This explains my problem perfectly!
I’m sorry to hear that you resonate with this… but glad that my message came across clearly. Hugs ❤️
I think the dividing line is between being kind and being needy. Kind men treat everyone well , needy guys treat women well because they are looking for something in return.
Sadly women can't tell the difference so they shun both types.
She’s right. In high school I was always a “nice” guy and was always in the friend zone. Hearing girls out, trying to give them advice, being understanding. Once I got into my 20’s I started being a d**k with women and got more play than I ever had in my life. Having the idgaf attitude is what women love. Makes them doubt themselves and wonder what they’re doing wrong. Once you start apologizing and trying to compromise, there’s not fun in that so they move on.
Being a nice guy is not a "syndrome". What if that is genuinely who you are as a person? It doesn't mean that you don't respect yourself or are weak willed. Nor is it weak that you treat others with kindness and respect. It's called the Golden Rule.That is just being considerate. It's societies perception that is wrong.
This video is stupid sop listing in to this video
What she is talking about here is about extreme cases. It's not healthy to allow people to treat you like a toy or something. These nice guys don't respect themselves or their commitments. That's not good. What you're talking about is not a nice guy according to nowadays society.
@@leomarreinoso280 I think it's nice to treat people with kindness and respect. I live by the Golden Rule. Pure and simple. Do unto others as you would have them be done unto you. I don't let people treat me like a "toy" or misuse me, but I still consider myself a nice person.
That makes you a nice person, a nice guy is a title. Think of it like this. Any room can be dark if you turn off the lights. A dark room is a specific thing.
FACTS
I found out now that I’m not a nice guy at all. I was in the past and really regretted my actions before my wife passed away. This finally caused me to work through some deep rooted pain that started in my childhood. I recently got rejected after a first date. The lady was quite attractive but where I would have been really hurt before, it didn’t phase me much at all. It did cause me to think that I should probably work out more, trim my beard more often etc. and become the best version of myself but for my own health and well being not to please someone else.
Courtney is one the best for advice! Btw your a natural beauty ❤❤😊
Thank you 🥹
I’m just boring apparently, all I do is workout and eat on my free time, work and disappear. Whenever I try communicating my flirting is off or I don’t pick up. Whenever I try to set up dates I usually get the “i can’t right now, something came up” response. Been stuck on just having to keep working on myself, bad communication skills with women and having expectations on them keeping their word have been dragging me down.
Keep trying. You seem genuine. Hopefully it turns round.
Every time Courtney gets me to watch the ad promo sneaky way. Every damn time. Every time I forget. But she catches me again off guard. Every damn time. I'm sick of it.
I don't even watch the video. I just leave comments.
Being co-dependent is nasty. I was co-dependent for many years. I was raised that way (long story). It leads to being ran over. It is the perfect catalyst for pairing up with a covert narcissist. The worst thing about being a nice guy is not loving one's self and depending on another to value you as with a covert narcissist, your value is constantly undervalued. So strive to be independent, set boundaries, have goals and dreams, and most of all love yourself!
Thanks for the amazing videos big sis Courtney
It’s my pleasure!!
I know in the past for me one of the biggest issues I had was self deprecating. I did it to make people laugh and to let people have a “fun time”.
What this did though was make me look very insecure, lack of confidence and a poor outlook on life.
For the longest time I was like why can I not get a girlfriend, Im successful, semi good looking etc blah. Then I had an honest conversation with one of my female friends and told me I need to stop putting myself down.
Guys and yus girls you as well. Self depreciation is not your friend. Have self confidence in yourself, be sure with yourself and go out there and be who YOU want to be.
It’s really weird but after turning age 30 the confidence as a man just grew exponentially. Something about coming of age makes you care less about how others perceive you.
Reason why younger women like older guys. We don't care about external validation, we just continue to live life.
Having respect for yourself is walking away knowing when a woman is talking nice, but has no intention of being with you.
”Nice” is just a word that everyone put their own meaning in. Simp? Narcissists attract other narcissists. Relations are complementary. Some say all relations are transactional, there is no real love. What is true is that we are all individuals that are attracted to other individuals that have certain traits. Sociology is mainly statistical charts and may or may not work on the individual level. I love the photo series by Diane Arbus of possible couples like the priest and the prostitute, they might not be possible but make you think about relations in an interesting way.
Respect and being responsible are keys to any great relationship you emulate both of these traits and your beauty is stunning which shows respect for yourself
Tiege Hanley will give you the skin Courtney Ryan approves of
“No More Mr Nice Guy” 😤is the book that people should read.
I still need to read it!
Mandatory read for all sons growing up.
Yes. Read it twice!
I saw it performed live on the "Billion Dollar Babies" tour.
Yes, the one by former major league manager Dick Williams.
There’s a huge difference between being a nice guy, and being a good man. Good men don’t have as much issues with these things as nice guys do. Nice guys are only nice because they want something in return. Good men are kind for the sake of being kind, and don’t expect anything in return.
Confidence is such a vague term. Confident in what? That you can get laid? You can defeat other men in combat? Handle your finances? Fix your own car? Also, that can't be turned on like a light switch. I think many women mistake arrogance for confidence and then complain about the results. I think it's comical to watch some "confident" men that have no skills and know nothing, but are life of the party. I guess they serve a purpose.
Yes, that purpose has a name. Carousel.
Having social skills and being charismatic are soft skills. This builds social status and networks
I ‘m a nice guy to a point,II have patience,self respect for myself and others who are deserving, confidence in who I am,and was taught to treat others kindly,many times this was seen as weakness.When my patience is tried and my boundaries crossed nobody mistakes my actions nice at all😊
What I’m passionate about definitely turns women off 😂
Those women just aren’t compatible with you then! 🤌🏼
Is it D&D? If so, we need a cleric...
true nice guys don't misrepresent themselves and understand the difference between being kind vs being right
Happy Sunday.😮
Onto new week.😅
🥰🥰
i lacked these traits in my early 20s, But i've worked hard to resolve all of the things you talked about in this video and now i'm 28, the hard part now is just getting girls to even go out for a coffee...getting a first date is a struggle
8 years??? So what you're saying is we're all doomed eh? 🤔Ok! 😅
As of recent years. I've learned that there's a difference between "kind" and "nice".
Men. Learn the difference.
Your dating success depends on whether you are sexually attractive to women or you're not... Also, if we're going by personality wise, how your social skills are and how funny/entertaining you are matter 10 times more than if you come off nice or arrogrant
@@julianchillby1024 you're not wrong. But I'm pointing out that being nice tends to give people the perception of a pushover or someone with no back bone or not going to say no.
Being kind is far, far more genuine and usually it's a trait you can't fake. For both women and men.
@@kantKillKenny The guys who make the most money from TikTok off of women donations are all stand out attractive with a stand out . They are neither too nice, or an asshole. They don't lean in one direction
i am what you call nice guy.
i have passions and hobbies. i don't like talking about them alot.
i'm indecisive when in group cause i don't care what we eat, do etc. and when someone says i should decide and i decide on something then they say "that's what you chose?"
if you don't like me being me, then i'll rather die lonely, then change for others.
#1 height
#2 good jaw line
#3 great hair
#4 deep voice
There, I fixed it for you.
I guess I am the exception to your theory. I am nearly 80 and my wife and I are very happy, neither is the alpha but together we are a team. I did 32 years in the Military, joined the Marines in the 1960's, vietnam as a special forces marine. I have great self confidence and all the other things you mentioned and still able to be a nice guy.
I often use a silicone body scrubber, just like I use a coarse Boar's hair brush to brush my skin, but I will not put endocrine disrupting estrogenic chemicals on my skin. Cold water is just enough. It worked for thousands of years and it will continue to do so. If you eat enough fats and protein in your diet you're not going to have a lot of dryness that you would get from the carbohydrates taking all of your moisture
Good for you. You sound like you are on the carnivore diet! I too also only use water on my face!
@@msBbee-oq7im close, I'm an omnivore. I still eat mushrooms as well as potatoes and rice, just like I eat some fruit and I eat some vegetables like broccoli asparagus onions carrots and peppers. I would say 85% of my nutrition comes from meat
Nice guys lack these qualities women want…
1. The ability to tell her no
2. The ability to call her out and hold her accountable
3. The ability to cut her loose if she disrespects you
4. Not simping
5. The ability to walk away and mean it
I do all these to women, does it mean that I am NOT a nice guy???
Great video and advice. For anyone interested in that topic, I cannot emphasise enough how great of a book is "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I don't consider myself a nice guy anymore, but I recently read this book and it still taught me many nuances about the psychology of nice guys.
There is a BIG difference between being a Nice Guy and a Good Guy. Be a Good Guy.
WHAT!! for crying out loud, I have all 4 traits, I consider myself to be a good guy, I'm decisive when I need to be but want to consider other's choices or ask them for ideas, (but asking a woman what she likes is considered weak?), I have self-respect, so when I let someone know where my boundaries are, (but setting a boundary for a woman they reject me because they can't control or manipulate me then say "I'm not nice enough", I'm fairly calm in most stressful situations but everyone can sometimes be caught off guard, it's how you recover that counts, (I'm an Army vet, had plenty of practice🙂), but women will take that calmness and say I'm not caring or passionate, no matter HOW you handle something, women will always see the negative aspects. Maybe, instead of coaching men on how to succeed with women, you need to coach women on how to look at the positives of men in their lives.
There are a number of dating coaches for women offline and online.
Have you thought of therapy btw?
it doesn't matter what you do, if they don't find you attractive, they won't
Accept that we're just screwed. The times are a changing and you're going to have to bring that ruthless battle mindset back home I'm sorry to say. I hope we never cross paths because we would have to compete viciously. 😢
Also, thank you for your service. 😎
Definitely impacts my dating life, and while I've tried to work on it, I asked a girl if she wanted to hang out and she said yes, later when I messaged her about it, nothing. Even though I tried to mix it up, feel like I probably came off wrong, so gotta fine-tune the balance of what you're talking about, especially in the in-person conversations
6:42 A provider...A protector...A sugar daddy is what a woman wants huh?
They can go provide for themselves. They wanted equality, perhaps they should practice it.
Expect now they don't need that either. 😂😅
@@OneFreeMan17 That's proven to be a disaster, but you are correct about equality, meaning eradicating differences between the sexes. This ideology is also behind valorizing homosexuality especially lesbianism.
You forgot Brawndo. It's what plants (and women) crave.