If someone does this, you must never question or blame yourself. It was them, not you. Emotionally secure people don’t suddenly disconnect from their romantic interest as if they were a piece of rubbish.
This is so true. When I got heartbroken last year I started working out more, looking at my physical appearance more than I ever had and had braces put on (before this happened) which really helped build my self respect
Exactly what I did upon learning the news. It helps that it happened when I was already equipped with Susan’s wisdom that somehow, it cushioned the blow.
Why would you want to renegotiate with someone who behaves like that any way?! Now your worth ladies. You were out of his league & it made him feel insecure. He needs to be with someone who won’t outshine him so he can feel superior & his self esteem doesn’t take a dent. Moral of the story ladies: don’t date down.
I can relate to this, I feel I am not meant to be in anything long term. I recently experienced this and I admit I handled things wrong by pushing away a woman I fell in love with. I felt I was ready to be in a relationship with her, but she kept harping on the negative things she sensed. We had a disagreement one day and I told her it wasn't a big deal and not to worry about it and she told me I was being dismissive and passive aggressive and I really wasn't I just was trying to defuse a situation. As the day went on, she could not let it go. some of the negative things she saw in me I acknowledged them and really worked hard to change those things. The sticking point for me was in the disagreement she did not take a moment to acknowledge that "maybe" I was not being dismissive of her. I ended things with her later that night and although I really miss this woman maybe it was best to end it.
Early childhood trauma, known as childhood or complex PTSD, can be the cause of much of this behavior. Traumatic childhood experiences can lead to relationship aversion and intimacy induced anxiety later in life. Things start off okay because everything begins casually and people still feel detached. But as attachment and intimacy approaches it can cause a panic response that causes a person to flee from the relationship. I know. I've experienced it. I have cPTDS and I have had associated relationship and intimacy aversion for years. When I would find someone I liked and found myself getting attached to them I would suddenly panic and run away. It's a bad place to be because you want intimacy so badly but you can't let yourself have it. In order to alleviate the symptoms you have to fix the underlying problems, which relate back to your early trauma. Its the only way out.
This woman is the absolute most knowledge person on UA-cam addressing these issues. She is hands down the most accurate and practical in her teachings. Outstanding.
@@evka24 This isn't about always including sex. Sometimes you make a connection and they persued you several times, you respond nicely and they disappear.
it was not true connection from the heart it was connection for the ego. ego loves quality and souls loves quality. some people have not reach on that step yet @@RG-hf4et
People, men and women, are always thinking they can find something better. Because now it's so easy to find someone new, people don't want to put in the work anymore.
Yeah, they are addicted to the fantasy. There's always something better out there according to them. Once shit gets real, they realize you aren't the fantasy they hoped for. It takes work, it takes authenticity...and they realize oh, thats not what I actually wanted. They wanted a fantasy.
They want everything to revolve perfectly around them. But, since they aren't perfect, and they choose not to work on fixing themselves, all of their relationships fall apart. No matter how perfect a partner they find, they will always become unhappy, bcuz the problem lies within themselves. Nobody can fix that part of them, except themselves. But, nonetheless, as a partner we can choose to always be reaching towards reaching our fullest potential as a partner. If we have room to improve, then focus upon that, and work on fixing it. In this way, we better ourselves, and we give any partner of ours a better chance at reaching them with our love and guidance of dignity. If someone becomes a Christian, and truly follows the instructions that Christ says, then they will learn these things. Christianity teaches specifically in the ways of unconditional love and dignity. These are the guiding principles and remedies to all problems in life.
Yes. They look at our imperfections, and become so disappointed when they realise we are flawed and loving us will mean hard work and effort. This becomes their excuse. It will take more of their time to adjust, learn and grow together but these aren’t things they want to get involved with. Their perfect life mustn’t be invaded or changed. Avoid these people. We co-relate by compromise, vulnerability and emotional maturity. If they aren’t prepared to meet you in these basic places ..... see ya.
Funny isn’t it they are NO PRIZE yet we accept the adult idea of imperfections. These types are now rampant thanks to online dating offering an endless buffet of women they “think” are theirs - it also has led men to become Adults without Social Skills. They are basically social retards.
When you said “you weren’t delusional, they were there,” made me tear up. My friend kept on telling me that this “relationship” I had was all in my head - that was really damaging to me. Because I know he wanted me, but couldn’t go all the way to commitment. But there was definitely something there that we had.
Your 'friend' lacks empathy. I encourage you to allow God to help you in the romance department. Let the Lord heal your pain and make you whole. He's the best matchmaker...
My ex broke up with me out of nowhere and I was thinking we felt so much for each other. And when we broke up, I cried and my exact words were "what did I do wrong?". It really messed me up. 9 months later... I had to find my worth all over again and stronger for it. It taught me some amazing lessons.
Until reaching the grand age of 51, I'd never had anyone appear so invested in me, only to suddenly switch and bail. The resulting trauma this has unleashed, frankly, has been horrendous. Susan's videos have played a pivotal part in my recovery, and two months on, although I'm not yet there and still stumble, I'm celebrating the small steps back to the mentally healthy person I once was ❤
Happened to me twice with the same woman. Quit on me. I beat myself up for months. It is better now when I finally realized there was nothing I could have done
Enjoy the calm before another storm hah But it's good to know you tried your best. Some people just can't do commitment and while it hurts to find out our loved one is one of those, it's better not to prolong the agony. Nice bike videos btw
Ryan Boyer what makes moving on is difficult is when you blame yourself for the situation, once you take that blame out of the scenario you are able to move on. This is because it’s hurts to accept that we are flawed and someone might not want to be with us when in reality it’s the other partners fault and it’s not personal
Same here man. Happened to me twice with the same woman. I gave so much but I thought it was not enough but in the end, realized that she is the one who lack feelings and fell of the horse. I just learned that in between our 1st break up...she got a rebound BF for 3 months. She went back and apparently circled back on quitting on me. I am trying now to accept the truth that THEY CANT DO IT!
I really like that you're not a 23 year old girl or a douchey player guy in a trucker hat. You're a real person and your presentations are so much more authentic.
It’s almost like in their heads that they feel too much of a good thing is a bad thing because they’re insecure/intimidated once someone they really like comes into the picture
@@BigeuleLP 100%. Dishonesty is an immediate deal breaker. My ex and I never officially “called it quits”, yet she hopped on Hinge and found someone within a few weeks of us slowing down on texting/talking. I didn’t find out until three months later. Unbelievable. Serious scumbag move right there.
Agreed! Her last words were: “You don’t know who are you talking to! You have no idea how I really am!” Broke up and she shut me down ever since. Complete 180. No recourse. No offer of sympathy of any kind. All gestures are discarded. My mind keep going back to the great moments. She became a different person. But I am finally accepting it. Thanks partly to this video. Need to accept who she “really” is.
Kay Cee This is exactly just how my ex gf was with me, but the ex had to deal with her needy mum, I've mentioned this in other comments and I tried to get the ex to break free of her mum, and to show her that there is a life pasted her mum, but given the mum is how she is the ex is trapped and I'm the one thats had to go,,the ex is 50 and her mum is 78, many a time I've said to the ex I'm going to buy your mum a kangaroo costume, she said why ?? , I replied and said so your mum can have you in the front pouch, I was called a child, stop over reacting, look why you doing this again and I'm a communicator and she isn't, she'd leave it a few hours so she didn't have to deal with it then talk about other stuff as if what I asked never existed but if the ex wanted me and I didn't reply I'd get it in the neck , she's like Jekyll and Hyde ....but now I can't seem to let her go even tho I know it's the right thing to do,once her mum is out of the equation then she will be a completely different woman, I'm certain of it
@@MrTheomighty1 is there another angle you could look at your situation. . I mean no offence but are there health issues with the mother? Is your ex an only child? Does the ex have close friends or just her mother? It seems from your statement that you pushed to hard to get your own needs met.. that is her mother the longest relationship we ever have are with our parents strong family bonds. Just seems to me you should look to why it bothers you so much that you dont have all her time and control..wish you well..
Lenore me.. as I’m aware the mother didn’t have health issues until she was diagnosed with leukaemia which now is why me and the ex are no longer together as the ex has moved in with her mum, which this I understand has to happen but before the mother had this leukaemia my ex gf didn’t have close friends for the same reason as I went through and yes my ex is the only child so she’s taking on the roll of her dad that passed away some 13 years ago, the mother said to me that my gf at the time was always a daddies girl ...I know children have bonds with parents but my ex was worried that if we went out anywhere that her mum would call, so the ex said it’s easier if we didn’t do things, my time with the ex was after 10.30 at night until early hours after she’d been with her mum since getting in from work, I’d never been to the ex’s mums to sit with my ex gf as the mum wanted her daughter to herself, her mum called us one Sunday morning 13 times just to ask when my ex her daughter was going around the expression in my ex’s face said it all, the only time my ex gets a break is at her place of work and her mum calls her up there too
Commitmentphobia is a real thing. Read "Men Who Cant Love" and "He' Scared, She's Scared. " It will change your life. If they are commitment phobic there is nothing you can do. They run because of feelings in them that make them feel claustrophobic and trapped. It overtakes them. They cant fight it. No amount of perfection, love and understanding by you will fix it, it will drive them further away.
Gold tell more. I have a few questions about the personalities you’ve mentioned. Just for comparison. And if they had one of those. Which I’m thinking.
Cabra Goon bpd is deathly afraid of abandonment and needs to be told I love you and needs reassurance all the time they also are afraid of getting to close so its pull you in push you out and repeat Bi polar is when people love what your giving them attentions whatever it is then you dont give them whatever they want in their mood fluctuates going up and down if you don't meet their expectations so they get pissed about everything then love you and it's hot and cold Narc is when they can not get close cuz they know they are a fake and behind there mask they are a insecure coward they also cant live with you and when you leave they freak out and fear abandonment big time but they dont love like bpd they dont have empathy and what you see them display it's fake
That's not true Anne, some people do work on themselves. A relationship takes two parties so when commitment phobic people get involved they stay and give many chances to the other party until they realize that they aren't getting what they need... Affection etc and leave
@@makeitcount2985 How is it, as you say, that a person who stays and gives many chances until they realize they aren't getting what they need, commitment phobic? That doesn't make sense to me. If a person is giving many chances to try to make a relationship work, I would call it pathologically committed - not leaving when the relationship isn't working and you have tried everything to make it work.
That person is just not for you, accept it, that's why having sex w people isn't good, the let down hurts, that's why I'm celibate, lots of b's out there
E R It is hard to believe people can be this way. Be good to yourself. I have been through it too. It took awhile to feel like myself again. When it first happened it was all I could think about for months.
WOW WOW WOW. Just got dumped out of the blue in a relationship I thought was working well. I guess I was living in another reality. This video helped me so so so so much to get my bearings and gave me peace. Thank you so much for these words of wisdom. I will come back to it on my low days of grief over my loss.
I had to watch this and listen over and over again. The guy i previously just blew me off and ...for me everything is going well perfectly between us but he had to make the decision to leave because he needs to fix his inner issues and he needed to be alone to do that. I respected it but also need to come to terms of how im gonna get myself back to that space before i met him after filling an imagined future with him that apparently he has no plan to be a part of. Such a pain to go through because in dating a lot of people or having relationships with exes..ive never been so sure about someone in my life. I now i dont even know ill feel this way about anyone ever again. I'm 30 and I know that seems still young but its a one of a kind certainty that i felt and now...i.fear i will never feel that again :( Thank you Susan for this ..i needed to hear it several times to really get myself to move forward with hope and optimism
I know certainly God is giving me the answer by listening this deep advices from susan to give me the oportunity to be aware and consious im ok, and the really issue is matter le him. And being able to feel safe and getting peace by the time. You will be OK, I promiss it is working something in your inner person to build and reinforce your heart and value.
Love this! It's been over a year, and I'm still dealing with the emotional after-math of the man who ghosted on me after 14 months together. The last time I spoke to him was a month into the ghosting, when I calmly messaged him to call him on his bs, officially ended things, and mailed his stuff to him (no note). I am learning to let go- because as you said, it's something I can't fix, and it really his about HIS issues. "He can't do it." Yep. That perfectly captures what happened. So instead, I can only work on myself, and move forward with my life. I've done pretty well in the past year, and I will continue this journey to develop myself, and to become a better partner for the next guy and a better person for MYSELF.
Shows his immaturity, it’s not hard to meet up/call/message, especially after being together for that amount of time. Your comment also shows your strength and maturity, I’m so glad you are focusing on you, you deserve worlds better than him! I also got dumped exactly 14 months into my relationship with my ex, thank you for reminding me to be strong x
He also suddenly ghosted me after 6 months of dating. I wanted to talk to know the reason why but he kept silent so I decided to do the closure. He still watches my IG stories very regularly and sometimes likes the photos. After 1 year I felt that I still missed him so I texted and asked how he was after he watched a story of mine, he became very rude and said why I texted him and he had a girlfriend, which was very rude and made me surprised. I felt hurt and I just realized that he was seeing that girl while dating me, and he left and ghosted me for that girl. He’s really an asshole and didn’t deserve my love and respect. So I have no reason to miss him and I have to move on with my good life and find a true man who deserves my love and respect, and also truly respect and love me.
That was great Susan. I'm gonna watch it again. When you say "relationships are about consistency", So true, so true. When I met him and invited him to play I said "I like you a lot. Let's see how it goes." He cried "but You don't know me".... then he jumped in with both feet. We were an item. Then 3 months later, he dumped me. I see what he meant now. He meant "you don't know what a messed up individual I am, and I love chasing illusions. When I find out you're a real live human being, I'm gone."
The dating world is complicated yes!!! And why is that? To much temptation, to many dating sites, to many resources of how to etc? To much fantasy fluff and dodgy advice. To many mind games. Its sad and unfortunate for single people regardless of age, to enjoy a courtship with anyone, people have no more morals and values in relationships anymore. People assume its cool these days to use other's either for sex or money or whatever other reason, while the other person is investing in being a couple. People think its okay to act however they want in a relationship because its okay to do that, but what they are doing is luring and leading the other person on and this is when it gets psychologically dangerous regarding a persons well being!!!
@@LilliR4116 You are right. I had a couple of dates recently. After lunch one Saturday afternoon, we had some drinks around 4pm at a hotel bar, it was very warm so just juices. He then asks me if I want to get a room? I couldn't believe it. I said I don't live my life like that. A few texts later, never heard from him again.
@@serenaslattery3631 That's exactly what I'm talking about, next time tell him, 'it goes against your values'. That's just no respect, if he wants to get a room tell him to frequent the brothels or hire an escort that's their job. You're looking for a partnership not a sexual encounter transaction! ✋ 😉
I love your perspective. "They scared themselves" and "they may not have a skillset for a commited relationship". I am learning so much from you Susan! ❤ Thank you!!!
Brilliant video Susan. "Not everyone has a skill set for being in a relationship.". I love the way you worded that. It makes so much sense. This is exactly what my expartner of 6 years doesn't have.
@@karenlynch8348 you think he would have. He was divorced, two children and 45 years old when I met him. Water under the bridge. Not interested anymore. Single for two years and loving it.
Alexandra V Tensek i love Susan Winters! I guess i am more literal than you & many men don’t have skill sets. They CAN learn tho. I got rid of one as well. He didn’t go easily, nor nicely but i am SO HAPPY without him too. Its not holding on & forcing make no misunderstanding. Too many men waste women’s lives yet never work to develop skill sets
"They could do the first phase. They couldn't sustain the whole package" Thank you so much, Susan Winter. It makes sense now. I can and want to move forwards. Time has come.
She left suddenly and disappeared after 4 years together. I had trouble eating for the first 6 months afterwards. Lost 50 lbs. Thank you for shedding light on this for me.
This is probably the video I can relate the most. I was in 1 year relationship and talked about serious stuff. He was always the one pushing for commitment, i.e. moving in together, marriage, etc... Two days ignoring me and then broke up out of the blue. I realized how immature he was and how we was up for everything while things were easy. Once the relationship required a bigger effort he escaped and even worse, blamed it on me... I can see how a reasonable person would have talked about it instead of just running...
I really enjoyed watching this video. I recently had someone do this to me, and I was confused on what happened. After going back and analyzing, I realized this is what happened. I love the person still, but I’m ok with letting them go. Not because I don’t care, but if the person is that scared and has issues that are bigger than me, there isn’t really anything to do but let go. It took me a long time to learn how to love myself enough to where I’m ok with my own company. Knowing that the right guy is out there, I won’t be less because someone else can’t be more.
I think that as a rule, women, (myself included), give a man 10 times more importance and credit that they deserve. So when the split happens, we think we lost something really great, when in reality, we lost a whole lot less.
Love how this just happened to me, exactly the same thing, and now God, life, the universe, is showing me some light, reasuring me that it s all gonna be alright
Thanks Susan, it’s so hard to let go as she just ran away and I have no idea why. You put everything in perspective. She got everything she wanted and just bailed. I know after a year that it is unfixable. I am longer trying to get her back and moving on. Stay strong everyone.
I am going through this now. Ty 4 reassuring me that I haven't done anything to deserve this. It was a great time while it lasted. If he comes back I'll be more guarded and he will be responsible for showing me he has changed.
Marnie Williams don’t go back. Trust me. Closure is over rated. He will do the same thing. Or you will be so guarded it will not work. It’s over. Never go back always move forward
Don't go back to him. You are saying that it might happen, which tells me you are not seeing him clearly. Take another really good look. Do you want to go back to someone who did this to you? Don't.
Ms Winters; It is as you said in a previous video. "No matter how one tried. Smart, sensitive, humorous, great cook"...it will be never enough. Sad but the truth is what? Wish them well and leave quietly.
I love this one too! Many people have had trauma in their past that inhibits their ability to be in a healthy relationship. They might not have had an emotionally healthy childhood (no good role models) but will try to be "normal" and enjoy "normal" things. When their hearts open up to someone, first it's beautiful, then fear (or in the case of my ex - anger) takes over ... You can almost be relieved if they run away, instead of you sliding into an unhealthy relationship... but the pain of loss at first is very great.
Yes .... there’s no logic in lunacy. They will grow up or they never will. They just can’t be the mature, consistent person you expected. I just want to be myself again.
Susan hit the nail on the head with this one. Once someone leaves you for reasons that make no sense and it’s out of the blue you HAVE TO GO YOUR OWN WAY AND GET YOUR POWER BACK exactly how she said it. And you don’t go your own way just to feed that thought in your mind of doing it to get them back. Focus on yourself and if (naturally) they see you grabbing life by the horns and that you can be happy without them most times that sends a trigger in them to want to win you back. Then they will be the ones putting in the effort instead of how it used to be of you catering to them or the one putting most of the work into the relationship. Doing you is always the best way to go about life and things will gravitate toward you that are meant to be.
Heres something ive learned as ive gotten older : from the time your born until your old and on your deathbed you will a multitude of people of all types of personalities and heres the big kicker that people dont understand: Most human life ends by dying in a bed old gray with no teeth. Yeah thats depressing and movies make fun of that but that is the reality of humanity. So by knowing that i never get deeply upset when something bad happens because i know its aittle part of life that i will look back on when im old and dying as nothing and going back to my first point is that when you are refelecting on your life most of the people that hurt you will not be remembered. So dont let the bad behavior of people stop you from living.
4th Time I've Watched this. Each Time I Learn a Little More. Life SUCKS Because I TRULY Loved That Woman with Everything in Me!! You've Opened My Eyes Beautiful Lady!!
OMG, I think you really hit the nail on the head. After 6 long months of anxiety, depression, crying and sheer panic, I'm finally on the mend after coming to the realization the partner I was with is exactly like this. I'm likable and getting my confidence back and learning that I am worth it!!!. I am the prize. Thank you so much. I watch all your videos and will continue to do so as I work on myself instead of focusing how to get my ex back just to make the pain go away. With pain there is growth and have I ever grown the last of of 2018 so regardless of the disappointments, I can say that all is well that ends well and I am well. Thank you
Thank you so much. This had been my dating scene for the last three years. My relationships just fizzle out after 3 months. I have doubted myself. Ive stop dating for the last few months. I don't want to play the dating game for now for own sanity. Good advice as always. 😊
I cut off a relationship when the guy would not call when he said he would. There were BIG red flags from the start. He gaslit, ignored me, he was wishy washy, broke plans and I was not getting what was good for me. I said BYE. He was upset at first, but he was relieved I think. He could not communicate and would not......
This is literally what happened to me a month ago. I was seeing a girl for six months and we both started to fall for each other hard. Right from the beginning though she told me she didn’t want a relationship (there’s some trauma there) and I was totally cool with it. We hung out casually then things gradually started getting more serious. She finally told me she loved me, got attached, and how she wasn’t expecting that at all. Five days after she told me that she said it wasn’t a good idea for us to hangout anymore. And she started talking to someone else almost instantly. I know I can’t fix her, but I still want her. Even if she came back though, I don’t think I’d be able to. This really sucks but your channel is helping me a lot. Thank you.
Thank you for this. This happened to me after an amazing 6 months where we connected and he even talked of the future very often. He moved to my city but then told me he didn't want to be in a relationship and he needed to figure out his life. I was devastated and shocked. I think when he moved he realised that it was going to be real now, not just a fantasy. I thought he did have a skillset for a relationship, but then he was also recently divorced- I think it was a mix of him grieving that relationship, comparing me to her (his insecurities), and not openly communicating with me. I think he thought he was ready, but he wasn't. He never treated me badly, he was just slowly shutting down emotionally. It was actually one of my fulfilling relationships where I felt like I could be accepted as myself. I'm really not sure, when divorce is involved does this change anything? Maybe he will be more equipped to try again in a few years? He did tell me he knows he will see me again in the future, plus he was extremely hot and cold with his emotions before he moved back to his city.
The type of man who expresses interest in finding a real commitment, but in actuality is only capable of sustaining the noncommital types of relationships with ease.
Just extricated myself from someone exactly like this, not before a few rounds of hot and cold. I saw the light in the end with the help of Susan's videos. Stopped wondering if it was me, when I tried every way possible to make things work and realised it really isn't. I'm now in a really positive place and ready for someone who will meet me on equal terms 🙂
Thx Susan, this is the exact thing that happened to me with a woman I dated. Its like she just turned off a switch and walked away. Your advice is helping me process what happened. Thank you
Very wise words. People not having a skill to be in a relationship is a key factor to many of today's situations in a relationship. This is so important to be aware of
You are an incredible ambassador of empowering people when they are feeling fragile and confused. Your videos are honest and comforting. I wish more people watched videos like this - we all need to realise that life is so very short and that it’s okay to be scared but it’s even better to be honest and open to sharing your fear with the people who love you and can help you to grow beyond your fears. Only then can you say you’ve lived a full and true life.
Susan this nailed it for me. It doesn’t solve it by any means because like you said it’s not logical. This helps me process it. I’ve been in a funk over my break up for 8 months. Only the gym helps. I know there’s nothing I could’ve done.
always date someone who you think is not as good as you. so that when they left, you can feel: oh well, he/she's scared of how good I am. And guess what, that's usually the case.
20 right now and just got dumped by my now ex gf. Her best friend she met 2 months after we started dating was able to somehow convince her I was a manipulative person that thought of women as objects. She convinced her I would just be like her ex and end up becoming abusive. Instead of telling me these concerns she let it all bottle up then exploded it all into one long message to ruin me. When I asked if we could have a conversation she said that it shows how much I think I can control women because I think I have the right to a conversation, I thought we were dating but I guess she didn’t feel the same. Thank you for helping me get past this I wish I knew where all these concerns came from but I guess I’ll never know I’ll push forward and try not to look back.
Its worse now with the newer technology. It used to be that you would at least get a "Dear John" or "Dear Jane" letter in the mail. Now they just start ghosting you. Suddenly there are no more texts being sent back to you, no more emails replied to and no more picking up the phone. Its just suddenly - nothing. You might not even get the full meaning of it right away. It might take a week or two to come to the final realization that the other person is gone. And you don't even get an explanation for it either.
20+ years of deep intimacy, and the week before everything changed we talk about how lucky we are, then suddenly the next week they pull back 90% and I have no idea why. It was so agonizing at first, I looked for all the ways to blame myself, wracked my brains trying to figure out what I did wrong. Eventually started to realize maybe it wasn't something I did. But I mostly feel like it was. I am finding positives in this finally, after months, the positive is I am enjoying my life and questioning why I was so attached. I just have to give them total space, we still communicate, and there may be an opening for a future, but I am tired of hurting so I find I am letting go of wanting it or caring.
Wow Susan, you said what I have been thinking after reflection, being in a relationship like this is so hard. It happened to me, I’m still feeling it and noticed from his past stories of relationships he pushed people away at a certain point, in all of them. Says he wants to find the one”, but there is no “one”. We talked every day and “there is no reason” I could find. We always got along so well, and every time we have seen each other always fun. It’s very painful, and yes I have beat myself up with the why for months. “There is no why.” You are right dead on.
Thank you for telling this. I’m in off and on relationship with a guy (currently off), and only after the last break up I started to see the pattern. He’s pulling away every time it was time for the ‘next step’. I was blaming myself for becoming needy closer to the end and thought it was the reason he broke up with me. Only recently I became able to see it’s the other way around: I felt needy because he’d started to pull away. I felt and acted insecure because he’d become unsure first. Thank you again for your video, it was a great comfort to hear this kind of confirmation of my thoughts.
Thank you so so much for just telling it like it is, Susan! After many sleepless nights of tears and wondering what i did wrong and what i could have done, this video has flipped the switch for me, and I breathe a huge sigh of relief with the biggest smile on my face. It's time for me to move xx
So I wanted to be more specific about how crazy this actually is and the devastation that people can leave when they do this to someone. The guy I was dating for 6 months did this to me last week. When we started dating He was full on, stated on the second date that we should be exclusive and wanting me to meet his family and friends, he stated that he wanted me to move to his house in the near future, we discussed marriage - even talked about our wedding day (he said he wanted a small intimate wedding, I said I wanted a big one!), more kids, settling down with each other, his crazy ass even discussed adding my kids to his will! - and then slowly but surely after about 3 months he started to pull away every now and again, he said he was worried about his career, I tried my utmost best to help and support - he would then return and things would be okayish - but no longer spoke about the future that we both had initially wanted. He then finally broke it off stating that he was in love with me, it wasn’t working, he doesn’t have the time for relationship amongst some other bs. I couldn’t believe my ears and thought that this was unheard of until I came across this video. It has given me the best perspective and the understanding that I really needed to feel peace - as you so kindly put it Susan - “He couldn’t do it” Thank you!
Its horrible to be faded out after him assuring me he had not given up on us, the whole love bombing me for three months,I thought he would always be strong and I could totally trust my heart to him. I ended up looking like a fool,when he started using the tactics, he wouldn't be good for me after an argument. Truth is, he can't step up when the going get rough,its to much work and now a days sex is abundant so no loss. I'm devastated Iv been chasing for his attention now for a month. Today was the breaker,He had been on and off, he is a total fake, cause he laid on the love so thick at the beginning.
Thank you so much Susan, you've helped me greatly with every word you said here. "He couldn't do it. It's within him. I can't fit it." I have been struggling for months to let go of a lover, looking for how I could redeem myself and handle his intimacy and avoidance issues in order to get back the honeymoon phase. He has borderline disorder. He showed me the best he was able of but could not sustain it and be consistent. I have been getting crumbs of interest, it is killing me. I have been staying there in hopes I could do something for him to return to how it was before. But this is not working and painful, I need to remove myself from this one-sided unhealthy connection. As you said in a previous video, it is particularly hard to let go of a new relationship that was so full of promises and intense, but I have missed that he does not have the skill set to sustain a relationship and be vulnerable. As he said, he does self sabotage.
I ve been going through this lately, I was the one that did self sabotage when everything was actually going great. What I did realize was that getting into a new relationship was actually triggering some past break up traumas and fear of abandonment, even though, in the present, nothing justified that I felt this way. It's like some form of PTSD, and we have to be very aware of this if we don't to destroy our relationship and hurt our partner. Learn how distinguish between real issues in the relationship and problems that are caused by past traumas.
So glad i discovered your channel Susan...I love your videos. As someone who was dumped a year ago and the pain is still so bad, this has calmed my mind a bit. I was dumped out of the blue after two lovely years, never saw it coming so maybe it wasn't my fault after all...I was always so kind and loving and loved her so much and I still do! Love is sometimes not enough though. :-( One thing I will say though...I will never dive in and give my heart to anyone again. Its made me very wary. I dont ever want to go through this pain again. Its a shame as I have so much love to give and am a good person but I would find it hard now to give my heart fully to someone new.
You can be as wary as you like. 11 years I was with my parthner and in the space of the covid she broke up with me. People just change, claim the they understand stuff and are aware yet sit back while you struggle all the while giving times to others.
You know what Susan... This is exactly what happened to me... Everything you said in this video.. It's like an 'anha' moment.. Gosh... Now I know.. And I'll get to that space of mental peace.. And clarity.. I know I will... Thankyou...
Hi Susan, this is very god advice. It becomes extremely difficult if there are strong feelings involved. If the feelings are especially deep there will be suffering. This is to be expected. It is the great risk we take in relationships. They can generate extreme happiness or great suffering. This is the challenge of life.
Hi Susan, thank you for this.. I have just experienced this with someone.. it was so lovely, seemed so real and really connected with this person. Then, everything seemed to changed, the conversations seemed more reserved and always felt his guard was up, it was so different.. no warmth or anything. This explains it! x
I’m amazed at how your videos are exactly what I need because of my breaking with my girlfriend. Thanks a million for your words, your thoughts, your guidance I truly appreciate it. I send you love and peace
Susan. I did blame myself. I didn’t chase I told her to figure her self out. I will not push to get them back. But It truly hurts internally questioning ones self. I must say. She taught me to be more decisive and congruent with my beliefs. But what a relief hearing you say that. Mental piece just happened. when I clicked play. 👍🏻
I sound like a broken record but you are heaven-sent! Your insights into modern dating and relationships are so profound I cant imagine getting this kind of education anywhere else. Wayne Dyer once said relationships are the grad school of the human experience. So glad to have you walking arm-in-arm with us on this journey. Richest Blessings! 💕
This is, in my opinion, your best video you've ever released. Yes, I'm biased because this currently happening to me, but this is so well explained. Thank you Susan.
Hi Susan! Im exactly in this situation right now and processing break up. Feeling terrible mentally and physically. Just woke up in the middle of the night and my heart is aching. I saw a lot of your videos but this has been the most on point and helping for me because every single aspect you mentioned i have got through just recently. It helps a lot to understand what is actually happening and thank you for that! Its the only thing that keeps me sane.
I just got dumped out of the blue in my first real relationship years, drank heavy two days switched gears and came back from a work out and found this vid. Thank you for clarifying exactly what I was trying to do. I didn’t keep prying into what was the reason, she just said ‘we got differences’ never argued or fought before she dumped me. I believe a relationship is working things out together. Will focus on myself, and if she does find me again, I’ll follow your advice and not just accept as if nothing happened. Thank you for a great vid!
Had to pause at 8:09 and write my comment " breathe your first moment of mental peace". That's exactly how it will feel. Great video so far, I subscribed mid way, commenting 3/4 through..Great content, thanks.
This video talks exactly what I’m going through right now. I fell better for knowing that I’m not going crazy, however it’s sad to see that so many people are at the same place and some ex still keep doing that. Thank you so much for sharing.
Really struck a chord with me. Ive had my experience with this in the past being detrimental to my mental health. Met a new woman who did everything you just said with phase 1 but lacked consistency. Now, they're knocking back on the door after Ive removed myself and moved forward. Thank you for wisdom.
I love this. Every other relationship expert video I’ve watched said he’s just not interested if he pulls away or you didn’t show attraction so he thinks you’re not into him, or he got claustrophobic for a moment and needed to pull away to think about what he wants, but finally, this sounds right. Thank you.
Susan, I've watched countless videos since my partner of 2 years abruptly left a month ago, but these words give me more peace and clarity than anything else I've heard. Thank you. Like what you said, he couldn't sustain things between us. He seemed too exhausted to maintain it for reasons I can't understand. He said he wasn't in love with me anymore, but I struggle to accept that because of how much happiness, intimacy, and romance we shared until the very end. It makes no rational sense. Is it common for the "dumper" in this situation to misinterpret the pain of his personal struggles as falling out of love, or are they truly the same thing?
The same thing just happened to me a month ago. everything was perfect and then all of a sudden she was done. do you mind if i ask how you are doing now? has your life improved since then?
Same, 2 years in and moved into our own place and a month in he no longer has feelings, is numb, and self destructive. I think either one he's cheating or two he realized a relationship takes work and is hard sometimes when paying bills and having to prioritize work and relationships and himself. Either way, he's not a reliable partner. He shut down. Says he can't talk on the phone or look at me. I moved out and am starting to move my stuff back to my home city.
This was so hugely helpful. I’ve been suffering for three months, getting better, but still feeling real loss and sadness and sense of betrayal. This has helped me more than anything else. Thank you so much. I subscribed and am going to watch all your videos. I need to learn these things so I can do better next time!
Funny how someone can make you feel secured and in a snap throw you out like there was no connection.
hurts hey... :(
@@DANFLIX98 yeh it really hurts, been thrown away like a banana peel. 🙈
mdmmalou Banana peels are compost able . So when you’re thrown out like a peel, make sure you grow into the earth and rebuild it.
If someone does this, you must never question or blame yourself. It was them, not you. Emotionally secure people don’t suddenly disconnect from their romantic interest as if they were a piece of rubbish.
@@detectivehawk4976 Thankyou. Love your possitive response!
When that person stops the relationship suddenly...the best thing to do is workout and get healthy and focus on yourself...the best medicine...
Alice Cowser You are 100 percent right! Good luck and go become a better version of yourself! They will regret terribly what they did eventually...
Most definitely 👍
This is so true. When I got heartbroken last year I started working out more, looking at my physical appearance more than I ever had and had braces put on (before this happened) which really helped build my self respect
Exactly what I did upon learning the news. It helps that it happened when I was already equipped with Susan’s wisdom that somehow, it cushioned the blow.
Finally a comment that isn't a 'an ex is an ex for a reason'
You cannot negotiate feelings. Once they decide to leave, accept their resignation
:( :(
So true, and good riddance if they feel that way. Don't whine and move on!!
Bernie EOD cant accept a disappearing! Like a kidnapping. It’s mentally ill
good one
Why would you want to renegotiate with someone who behaves like that any way?! Now your worth ladies. You were out of his league & it made him feel insecure. He needs to be with someone who won’t outshine him so he can feel superior & his self esteem doesn’t take a dent. Moral of the story ladies: don’t date down.
When they show you who they really are believe them.
That's so true
This is so true, and when this sinks in, it is a game changer.
How do we know it’s the real them?
I do that with women all of the time.
Met a guy who I thought was all that but he hurt me
From what I have learned in my previous relationships, "Your basic needs will always be too much for an emotionally unavailable person."
"Not everyone has the skillset to be in a relationship"...awesome wisdom...thank you Susan.
I can relate to this, I feel I am not meant to be in anything long term. I recently experienced this and I admit I handled things wrong by pushing away a woman I fell in love with. I felt I was ready to be in a relationship with her, but she kept harping on the negative things she sensed. We had a disagreement one day and I told her it wasn't a big deal and not to worry about it and she told me I was being dismissive and passive aggressive and I really wasn't I just was trying to defuse a situation. As the day went on, she could not let it go. some of the negative things she saw in me I acknowledged them and really worked hard to change those things. The sticking point for me was in the disagreement she did not take a moment to acknowledge that "maybe" I was not being dismissive of her. I ended things with her later that night and although I really miss this woman maybe it was best to end it.
I think most men haven't got the skillset to be In a relationship with the majority of women considering how unbearable a girlfriend they are.
Chris v2.0 agreed but, they had the “skillset” to open their pie hole & talk! To ask you to date, to unzip their dick! Now? Really cant even text you
Early childhood trauma, known as childhood or complex PTSD, can be the cause of much of this behavior. Traumatic childhood experiences can lead to relationship aversion and intimacy induced anxiety later in life. Things start off okay because everything begins casually and people still feel detached. But as attachment and intimacy approaches it can cause a panic response that causes a person to flee from the relationship. I know. I've experienced it. I have cPTDS and I have had associated relationship and intimacy aversion for years. When I would find someone I liked and found myself getting attached to them I would suddenly panic and run away. It's a bad place to be because you want intimacy so badly but you can't let yourself have it. In order to alleviate the symptoms you have to fix the underlying problems, which relate back to your early trauma. Its the only way out.
@@dickbanger8924 True Dat
omg this happened to me. Im still in shock it went from 100 to zero 😳
Me to not just you and these men will call it casual.
I didn't even see it coming😕
its ok you have a prince charming coming your way .
Most narcissists are men. Watch sheraseven1 channel too to weed them out.
@@motlagomangmakoe4456 me either, crazy how that happens :(
This woman is the absolute most knowledge person on UA-cam addressing these issues. She is hands down the most accurate and practical in her teachings. Outstanding.
I was coming to write the same thing but you beat me to it. She's an absolute genius with this stuff!
yass! Amen to Susan and this sentence
She makes a lot of assumptions which are not necessarily true.
@@chrisnamaste3572 no she doesn't!! She is Excellent!!
She is not the most accurate. She is making broadstroke assumptions that do not fit for every individual relationship.
Too many people these days are bailing like this. This has happened to me more than once. It is very hurtful behavior.
delay sex get to know them first
@@evka24 as if people can't play a game or hide their true selves until they finally do get sex.
@@evka24 This isn't about always including sex. Sometimes you make a connection and they persued you several times, you respond nicely and they disappear.
it was not true connection from the heart it was connection for the ego. ego loves quality and souls loves quality. some people have not reach on that step yet
@@RG-hf4et
@@evka24 Of course I know it wasn't a true connection and it was only an ego thing for the guy. It is still very hurtful behavior no matter what.
People, men and women, are always thinking they can find something better. Because now it's so easy to find someone new, people don't want to put in the work anymore.
Yeah, they are addicted to the fantasy. There's always something better out there according to them. Once shit gets real, they realize you aren't the fantasy they hoped for. It takes work, it takes authenticity...and they realize oh, thats not what I actually wanted. They wanted a fantasy.
ViNtAgELovv11 well said 👍
They want everything to revolve perfectly around them. But, since they aren't perfect, and they choose not to work on fixing themselves, all of their relationships fall apart. No matter how perfect a partner they find, they will always become unhappy, bcuz the problem lies within themselves. Nobody can fix that part of them, except themselves. But, nonetheless, as a partner we can choose to always be reaching towards reaching our fullest potential as a partner. If we have room to improve, then focus upon that, and work on fixing it. In this way, we better ourselves, and we give any partner of ours a better chance at reaching them with our love and guidance of dignity.
If someone becomes a Christian, and truly follows the instructions that Christ says, then they will learn these things. Christianity teaches specifically in the ways of unconditional love and dignity. These are the guiding principles and remedies to all problems in life.
Completely infantile and unrealistic.
ViNtAgELovv11 it also takes honesty - clearly the other was pretentious all along
Kibbie Lou good response and insight
Yes. They look at our imperfections, and become so disappointed when they realise we are flawed and loving us will mean hard work and effort. This becomes their excuse. It will take more of their time to adjust, learn and grow together but these aren’t things they want to get involved with. Their perfect life mustn’t be invaded or changed. Avoid these people. We co-relate by compromise, vulnerability and emotional maturity. If they aren’t prepared to meet you in these basic places ..... see ya.
T Bo as tho they have no flaws! As women we have to get Tough & grill them before they can get away with this
I love this statement. “ We co-relate by compromise, vulnerability and emotional maturity “. So insightful!
Funny isn’t it they are NO PRIZE yet we accept the adult idea of imperfections. These types are now rampant thanks to online dating offering an endless buffet of women they “think” are theirs - it also has led men to become Adults without Social Skills. They are basically social retards.
beautiful put, spot on
Thank you for taking the time to write this comment...I truly needed this today! Keep strong
When you said “you weren’t delusional, they were there,” made me tear up. My friend kept on telling me that this “relationship” I had was all in my head - that was really damaging to me. Because I know he wanted me, but couldn’t go all the way to commitment. But there was definitely something there that we had.
XDD LMAO
That doesn't mean he's everything you thought he was. And probably you gave him a lot more credit than he deserved.
@@littlemissy8356 I did give him a lot more credit. I was keen on seeing the good in him. Lesson learned :)
Hey how are you now?
Your 'friend' lacks empathy. I encourage you to allow God to help you in the romance department. Let the Lord heal your pain and make you whole. He's the best matchmaker...
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them!” Don’t ignore the red flags.
Maya Angelo ❤
My ex broke up with me out of nowhere and I was thinking we felt so much for each other. And when we broke up, I cried and my exact words were "what did I do wrong?". It really messed me up. 9 months later... I had to find my worth all over again and stronger for it. It taught me some amazing lessons.
I went thru this exact thing, with no one to talk to.
Until reaching the grand age of 51, I'd never had anyone appear so invested in me, only to suddenly switch and bail. The resulting trauma this has unleashed, frankly, has been horrendous. Susan's videos have played a pivotal part in my recovery, and two months on, although I'm not yet there and still stumble, I'm celebrating the small steps back to the mentally healthy person I once was ❤
Happened to me twice with the same woman. Quit on me. I beat myself up for months. It is better now when I finally realized there was nothing I could have done
Yeah, I had that for 3 and a half years .. my feelings are currently flat lining till it all comes back ..
Enjoy the calm before another storm hah
But it's good to know you tried your best. Some people just can't do commitment and while it hurts to find out our loved one is one of those, it's better not to prolong the agony.
Nice bike videos btw
Ryan Boyer what makes moving on is difficult is when you blame yourself for the situation, once you take that blame out of the scenario you are able to move on. This is because it’s hurts to accept that we are flawed and someone might not want to be with us when in reality it’s the other partners fault and it’s not personal
Same here man. Happened to me twice with the same woman. I gave so much but I thought it was not enough but in the end, realized that she is the one who lack feelings and fell of the horse. I just learned that in between our 1st break up...she got a rebound BF for 3 months. She went back and apparently circled back on quitting on me. I am trying now to accept the truth that THEY CANT DO IT!
Ryan Boyer
Her loss.
I really like that you're not a 23 year old girl or a douchey player guy in a trucker hat. You're a real person and your presentations are so much more authentic.
Spot on
It’s almost like in their heads that they feel too much of a good thing is a bad thing because they’re insecure/intimidated once someone they really like comes into the picture
My thing is they don’t have the decency to even break up with me they just act like there not even in a relationship
Those people are cowards
@@BigeuleLP 100%. Dishonesty is an immediate deal breaker. My ex and I never officially “called it quits”, yet she hopped on Hinge and found someone within a few weeks of us slowing down on texting/talking. I didn’t find out until three months later. Unbelievable. Serious scumbag move right there.
This is great! And true! My favorite saying that has gotten me past this bizarre breakup is: when they show you who they are, believe them.
Very true
Agreed! Her last words were: “You don’t know who are you talking to! You have no idea how I really am!” Broke up and she shut me down ever since. Complete 180. No recourse. No offer of sympathy of any kind. All gestures are discarded. My mind keep going back to the great moments. She became a different person. But I am finally accepting it. Thanks partly to this video. Need to accept who she “really” is.
Kay Cee This is exactly just how my ex gf was with me, but the ex had to deal with her needy mum, I've mentioned this in other comments and I tried to get the ex to break free of her mum, and to show her that there is a life pasted her mum, but given the mum is how she is the ex is trapped and I'm the one thats had to go,,the ex is 50 and her mum is 78, many a time I've said to the ex I'm going to buy your mum a kangaroo costume, she said why ?? , I replied and said so your mum can have you in the front pouch, I was called a child, stop over reacting, look why you doing this again and I'm a communicator and she isn't, she'd leave it a few hours so she didn't have to deal with it then talk about other stuff as if what I asked never existed but if the ex wanted me and I didn't reply I'd get it in the neck , she's like Jekyll and Hyde ....but now I can't seem to let her go even tho I know it's the right thing to do,once her mum is out of the equation then she will be a completely different woman, I'm certain of it
@@MrTheomighty1 is there another angle you could look at your situation. . I mean no offence but are there health issues with the mother? Is your ex an only child? Does the ex have close friends or just her mother?
It seems from your statement that you pushed to hard to get your own needs met.. that is her mother the longest relationship we ever have are with our parents strong family bonds. Just seems to me you should look to why it bothers you so much that you dont have all her time and control..wish you well..
Lenore me.. as I’m aware the mother didn’t have health issues until she was diagnosed with leukaemia which now is why me and the ex are no longer together as the ex has moved in with her mum, which this I understand has to happen but before the mother had this leukaemia my ex gf didn’t have close friends for the same reason as I went through and yes my ex is the only child so she’s taking on the roll of her dad that passed away some 13 years ago, the mother said to me that my gf at the time was always a daddies girl ...I know children have bonds with parents but my ex was worried that if we went out anywhere that her mum would call, so the ex said it’s easier if we didn’t do things, my time with the ex was after 10.30 at night until early hours after she’d been with her mum since getting in from work, I’d never been to the ex’s mums to sit with my ex gf as the mum wanted her daughter to herself, her mum called us one Sunday morning 13 times just to ask when my ex her daughter was going around the expression in my ex’s face said it all, the only time my ex gets a break is at her place of work and her mum calls her up there too
Commitmentphobia is a real thing. Read "Men Who Cant Love" and "He' Scared, She's Scared. " It will change your life. If they are commitment phobic there is nothing you can do. They run because of feelings in them that make them feel claustrophobic and trapped. It overtakes them. They cant fight it. No amount of perfection, love and understanding by you will fix it, it will drive them further away.
It's called engulfment fears and bpd and bi polar also narcissist share the same feeling can't live without.. can't live with
Gold tell more. I have a few questions about the personalities you’ve mentioned. Just for comparison. And if they had one of those. Which I’m thinking.
Cabra Goon bpd is deathly afraid of abandonment and needs to be told I love you and needs reassurance all the time they also are afraid of getting to close so its pull you in push you out and repeat
Bi polar is when people love what your giving them attentions whatever it is then you dont give them whatever they want in their mood fluctuates going up and down if you don't meet their expectations so they get pissed about everything then love you and it's hot and cold
Narc is when they can not get close cuz they know they are a fake and behind there mask they are a insecure coward they also cant live with you and when you leave they freak out and fear abandonment big time but they dont love like bpd they dont have empathy and what you see them display it's fake
That's not true Anne, some people do work on themselves. A relationship takes two parties so when commitment phobic people get involved they stay and give many chances to the other party until they realize that they aren't getting what they need... Affection etc and leave
@@makeitcount2985 How is it, as you say, that a person who stays and gives many chances until they realize they aren't getting what they need, commitment phobic? That doesn't make sense to me. If a person is giving many chances to try to make a relationship work, I would call it pathologically committed - not leaving when the relationship isn't working and you have tried everything to make it work.
HE BAILED: Heres' why: He either got what he wanted or didn't get what he wanted..THE END!
True. Sometimes women bail too, for the same reasons. It’s why I bailed
That person is just not for you, accept it, that's why having sex w people isn't good, the let down hurts, that's why I'm celibate, lots of b's out there
Or He used u
I agree.
Lol 😂 so true but then where’s the middle ground of dating? As for men getting what they want, I usually tell them don’t be cheap, got get a hooker
Thanks Susan you pulled my ass out of the crazy Zone
Mine too it’s crazy
Well he destroyed me. I️ don’t even know how I️ will get thru this, I️ can’t wrap my head around it. I️ have no idea how to move forward .. so sad
E R It is hard to believe people can be this way. Be good to yourself. I have been through it too. It took awhile to feel like myself again. When it first happened it was all I could think about for months.
@@donnaleblanc3726 I'm going thru it now :( its been 2 months and its all i can think about...
same.. did you get through it?
How is it going? It's been over a year
That person isn't the one, perhaps. And there is another door for you. What is in motion stays in motion.
WOW WOW WOW. Just got dumped out of the blue in a relationship I thought was working well. I guess I was living in another reality. This video helped me so so so so much to get my bearings and gave me peace. Thank you so much for these words of wisdom. I will come back to it on my low days of grief over my loss.
Same here. Can't say she bailed out of the blue. Worse she bailed right in front of me.
hey, how do u feel about the break up now??
@@Lmaooheyyy . Its hell
Same 🩵
“it’s not gonna make sense because it’s nonsensical” :”) thank you for your words, honestly helping me through this time a lot
After watching this one, I am finally able to close the book on this woman I cared about and worried about. Thanks.
I had to watch this and listen over and over again. The guy i previously just blew me off and ...for me everything is going well perfectly between us but he had to make the decision to leave because he needs to fix his inner issues and he needed to be alone to do that. I respected it but also need to come to terms of how im gonna get myself back to that space before i met him after filling an imagined future with him that apparently he has no plan to be a part of. Such a pain to go through because in dating a lot of people or having relationships with exes..ive never been so sure about someone in my life. I now i dont even know ill feel this way about anyone ever again. I'm 30 and I know that seems still young but its a one of a kind certainty that i felt and now...i.fear i will never feel that again :(
Thank you Susan for this ..i needed to hear it several times to really get myself to move forward with hope and optimism
I cried watching this video. I'm losing sleep but i can't control the overthinking. I feel so powerless.
I know certainly God is giving me the answer by listening this deep advices from susan to give me the oportunity to be aware and consious im ok, and the really issue is matter le him.
And being able to feel safe and getting peace by the time. You will be OK, I promiss it is working something in your inner person to build and reinforce your heart and value.
Are you over it now?
Same
Love this! It's been over a year, and I'm still dealing with the emotional after-math of the man who ghosted on me after 14 months together. The last time I spoke to him was a month into the ghosting, when I calmly messaged him to call him on his bs, officially ended things, and mailed his stuff to him (no note). I am learning to let go- because as you said, it's something I can't fix, and it really his about HIS issues. "He can't do it." Yep. That perfectly captures what happened. So instead, I can only work on myself, and move forward with my life. I've done pretty well in the past year, and I will continue this journey to develop myself, and to become a better partner for the next guy and a better person for MYSELF.
Good for you, you deserve love and respect :)
how r u now ?
Shows his immaturity, it’s not hard to meet up/call/message, especially after being together for that amount of time. Your comment also shows your strength and maturity, I’m so glad you are focusing on you, you deserve worlds better than him! I also got dumped exactly 14 months into my relationship with my ex, thank you for reminding me to be strong x
inspiredinthedark sorry girl! What doesn’t break you makes you stronger!
He also suddenly ghosted me after 6 months of dating. I wanted to talk to know the reason why but he kept silent so I decided to do the closure. He still watches my IG stories very regularly and sometimes likes the photos. After 1 year I felt that I still missed him so I texted and asked how he was after he watched a story of mine, he became very rude and said why I texted him and he had a girlfriend, which was very rude and made me surprised. I felt hurt and I just realized that he was seeing that girl while dating me, and he left and ghosted me for that girl. He’s really an asshole and didn’t deserve my love and respect. So I have no reason to miss him and I have to move on with my good life and find a true man who deserves my love and respect, and also truly respect and love me.
That was great Susan. I'm gonna watch it again. When you say "relationships are about consistency", So true, so true. When I met him and invited him to play I said "I like you a lot. Let's see how it goes." He cried "but You don't know me".... then he jumped in with both feet. We were an item. Then 3 months later, he dumped me. I see what he meant now. He meant "you don't know what a messed up individual I am, and I love chasing illusions. When I find out you're a real live human being, I'm gone."
You're a sweetheart Susan. Thank you for all your advice. I am Single 12 years, 44 and the dating world seems more complicated than ever. Bless you.
Just know what you want, don't compromise and do your part of that vision. Good luck out there.
Yep ive been single 3 years had few dud!! Dates, but i can't be arsed anymore with men.
The dating world is complicated yes!!! And why is that? To much temptation, to many dating sites, to many resources of how to etc? To much fantasy fluff and dodgy advice.
To many mind games.
Its sad and unfortunate for single people regardless of age, to enjoy a courtship with anyone, people have no more morals and values in relationships anymore. People assume its cool these days to use other's either for sex or money or whatever other reason, while the other person is investing in being a couple.
People think its okay to act however they want in a relationship because its okay to do that, but what they are doing is luring and leading the other person on and this is when it gets psychologically dangerous regarding a persons well being!!!
@@LilliR4116 You are right.
I had a couple of dates recently. After lunch one Saturday afternoon, we had some drinks around 4pm at a hotel bar, it was very warm so just juices. He then asks me if I want to get a room? I couldn't believe it. I said I don't live my life like that. A few texts later, never heard from him again.
@@serenaslattery3631 That's exactly what I'm talking about, next time tell him, 'it goes against your values'.
That's just no respect, if he wants to get a room tell him to frequent the brothels or hire an escort that's their job. You're looking for a partnership not a sexual encounter transaction! ✋ 😉
Loving the narcissist was hard. Him disappearing was upsetting but not having to be on that rollercoaster is definitely easier! Thanks Susan!
I love your perspective. "They scared themselves" and "they may not have a skillset for a commited relationship". I am learning so much from you Susan! ❤ Thank you!!!
thank you, susan... his running away broke me. i finally slammed the door on this tragedy, and am trying to recover.
Brilliant video Susan. "Not everyone has a skill set for being in a relationship.". I love the way you worded that. It makes so much sense. This is exactly what my expartner of 6 years doesn't have.
Alexandra V Tensek had they the skillset to date you? I don’t make excuses for these creeps
@@karenlynch8348 you think he would have. He was divorced, two children and 45 years old when I met him. Water under the bridge. Not interested anymore. Single for two years and loving it.
@William Hutchinson Thank you for the compliment! 😊😊😊
Alexandra V Tensek i love Susan Winters! I guess i am more literal than you & many men don’t have skill sets. They CAN learn tho. I got rid of one as well. He didn’t go easily, nor nicely but i am SO HAPPY without him too. Its not holding on & forcing make no misunderstanding. Too many men waste women’s lives yet never work to develop skill sets
The mental peace is every thing.
It's like the sky opened up and harp music is playing.
This is where I'm at in my life.😇
💖💖💖
"They could do the first phase. They couldn't sustain the whole package" Thank you so much, Susan Winter. It makes sense now. I can and want to move forwards. Time has come.
She left suddenly and disappeared after 4 years together. I had trouble eating for the first 6 months afterwards. Lost 50 lbs.
Thank you for shedding light on this for me.
@MrFrankcarp what a tough way to lose weight
This is probably the video I can relate the most. I was in 1 year relationship and talked about serious stuff. He was always the one pushing for commitment, i.e. moving in together, marriage, etc... Two days ignoring me and then broke up out of the blue. I realized how immature he was and how we was up for everything while things were easy. Once the relationship required a bigger effort he escaped and even worse, blamed it on me... I can see how a reasonable person would have talked about it instead of just running...
Same exact thing happened to me.
Exact same thing happened to me
I really enjoyed watching this video. I recently had someone do this to me, and I was confused on what happened. After going back and analyzing, I realized this is what happened. I love the person still, but I’m ok with letting them go. Not because I don’t care, but if the person is that scared and has issues that are bigger than me, there isn’t really anything to do but let go. It took me a long time to learn how to love myself enough to where I’m ok with my own company. Knowing that the right guy is out there, I won’t be less because someone else can’t be more.
Wow, the I won’t be less because someone else can’t be more statement at the end is beautiful.
I think that as a rule, women, (myself included), give a man 10 times more importance and credit that they deserve. So when the split happens, we think we lost something really great, when in reality, we lost a whole lot less.
I watch this every night before bed when my mind starts racing, this is the best video ever ❤️
Love how this just happened to me, exactly the same thing, and now God, life, the universe, is showing me some light, reasuring me that it s all gonna be alright
Omg you are not alone! Feels good to know a lot of people have been through this situation, like me
@@IntricatelyRandomAsian thanks. Love from Perú sister
Happened to me. Very avoidant attachment. It was good then in 1 day it was over.
Thanks Susan, it’s so hard to let go as she just ran away and I have no idea why. You put everything in perspective. She got everything she wanted and just bailed. I know after a year that it is unfixable. I am longer trying to get her back and moving on. Stay strong everyone.
I am going through this now. Ty 4 reassuring me that I haven't done anything to deserve this. It was a great time while it lasted. If he comes back I'll be more guarded and he will be responsible for showing me he has changed.
Marnie Williams don’t go back. Trust me. Closure is over rated. He will do the same thing. Or you will be so guarded it will not work. It’s over. Never go back always move forward
Did he ever come back?
Don't go back to him. You are saying that it might happen, which tells me you are not seeing him clearly. Take another really good look. Do you want to go back to someone who did this to you? Don't.
Ms Winters; It is as you said in a previous video. "No matter how one tried. Smart, sensitive, humorous, great cook"...it will be never enough. Sad but the truth is what? Wish them well and leave quietly.
Jose Navas i wish them to grow up with a good therapist! Its the ultimate in Selfish
I love this one too! Many people have had trauma in their past that inhibits their ability to be in a healthy relationship. They might not have had an emotionally healthy childhood (no good role models) but will try to be "normal" and enjoy "normal" things. When their hearts open up to someone, first it's beautiful, then fear (or in the case of my ex - anger) takes over ... You can almost be relieved if they run away, instead of you sliding into an unhealthy relationship... but the pain of loss at first is very great.
Yes .... there’s no logic in lunacy. They will grow up or they never will. They just can’t be the mature, consistent person you expected.
I just want to be myself again.
Susan hit the nail on the head with this one. Once someone leaves you for reasons that make no sense and it’s out of the blue you HAVE TO GO YOUR OWN WAY AND GET YOUR POWER BACK exactly how she said it. And you don’t go your own way just to feed that thought in your mind of doing it to get them back. Focus on yourself and if (naturally) they see you grabbing life by the horns and that you can be happy without them most times that sends a trigger in them to want to win you back. Then they will be the ones putting in the effort instead of how it used to be of you catering to them or the one putting most of the work into the relationship. Doing you is always the best way to go about life and things will gravitate toward you that are meant to be.
Heres something ive learned as ive gotten older : from the time your born until your old and on your deathbed you will a multitude of people of all types of personalities and heres the big kicker that people dont understand: Most human life ends by dying in a bed old gray with no teeth. Yeah thats depressing and movies make fun of that but that is the reality of humanity.
So by knowing that i never get deeply upset when something bad happens because i know its aittle part of life that i will look back on when im old and dying as nothing and going back to my first point is that when you are refelecting on your life most of the people that hurt you will not be remembered. So dont let the bad behavior of people stop you from living.
Thrill of the chase is what i believe they are only wanting from the flavor of the moment. NPD. GREAT ADVICE. .
4th Time I've Watched this. Each Time I Learn a Little More. Life SUCKS Because I TRULY Loved That Woman with Everything in Me!! You've Opened My Eyes Beautiful Lady!!
OMG, I think you really hit the nail on the head. After 6 long months of anxiety, depression, crying and sheer panic, I'm finally on the mend after coming to the realization the partner I was with is exactly like this. I'm likable and getting my confidence back and learning that I am worth it!!!. I am the prize. Thank you so much. I watch all your videos and will continue to do so as I work on myself instead of focusing how to get my ex back just to make the pain go away. With pain there is growth and have I ever grown the last of of 2018 so regardless of the disappointments, I can say that all is well that ends well and I am well. Thank you
Thank you so much. This had been my dating scene for the last three years. My relationships just fizzle out after 3 months. I have doubted myself. Ive stop dating for the last few months. I don't want to play the dating game for now for own sanity. Good advice as always. 😊
I cut off a relationship when the guy would not call when he said he would. There were BIG red flags from the start. He gaslit, ignored me, he was wishy washy, broke plans and I was not getting what was good for me. I said BYE. He was upset at first, but he was relieved I think. He could not communicate and would not......
This is literally what happened to me a month ago. I was seeing a girl for six months and we both started to fall for each other hard. Right from the beginning though she told me she didn’t want a relationship (there’s some trauma there) and I was totally cool with it. We hung out casually then things gradually started getting more serious. She finally told me she loved me, got attached, and how she wasn’t expecting that at all. Five days after she told me that she said it wasn’t a good idea for us to hangout anymore. And she started talking to someone else almost instantly. I know I can’t fix her, but I still want her. Even if she came back though, I don’t think I’d be able to. This really sucks but your channel is helping me a lot. Thank you.
Ditto
Described my situation to an absolute T! Wow im blown away!
Thank you for this. This happened to me after an amazing 6 months where we connected and he even talked of the future very often. He moved to my city but then told me he didn't want to be in a relationship and he needed to figure out his life. I was devastated and shocked.
I think when he moved he realised that it was going to be real now, not just a fantasy. I thought he did have a skillset for a relationship, but then he was also recently divorced- I think it was a mix of him grieving that relationship, comparing me to her (his insecurities), and not openly communicating with me. I think he thought he was ready, but he wasn't. He never treated me badly, he was just slowly shutting down emotionally. It was actually one of my fulfilling relationships where I felt like I could be accepted as myself.
I'm really not sure, when divorce is involved does this change anything? Maybe he will be more equipped to try again in a few years? He did tell me he knows he will see me again in the future, plus he was extremely hot and cold with his emotions before he moved back to his city.
The type of man who expresses interest in finding a real commitment, but in actuality is only capable of sustaining the noncommital types of relationships with ease.
Excellent point!
Just extricated myself from someone exactly like this, not before a few rounds of hot and cold. I saw the light in the end with the help of Susan's videos. Stopped wondering if it was me, when I tried every way possible to make things work and realised it really isn't. I'm now in a really positive place and ready for someone who will meet me on equal terms 🙂
Thx Susan, this is the exact thing that happened to me with a woman I dated. Its like she just turned off a switch and walked away. Your advice is helping me process what happened. Thank you
Very wise words. People not having a skill to be in a relationship is a key factor to many of today's situations in a relationship. This is so important to be aware of
You are an incredible ambassador of empowering people when they are feeling fragile and confused. Your videos are honest and comforting. I wish more people watched videos like this - we all need to realise that life is so very short and that it’s okay to be scared but it’s even better to be honest and open to sharing your fear with the people who love you and can help you to grow beyond your fears. Only then can you say you’ve lived a full and true life.
Susan this nailed it for me. It doesn’t solve it by any means because like you said it’s not logical. This helps me process it. I’ve been in a funk over my break up for 8 months. Only the gym helps. I know there’s nothing I could’ve done.
always date someone who you think is not as good as you. so that when they left, you can feel: oh well, he/she's scared of how good I am. And guess what, that's usually the case.
20 right now and just got dumped by my now ex gf. Her best friend she met 2 months after we started dating was able to somehow convince her I was a manipulative person that thought of women as objects. She convinced her I would just be like her ex and end up becoming abusive. Instead of telling me these concerns she let it all bottle up then exploded it all into one long message to ruin me. When I asked if we could have a conversation she said that it shows how much I think I can control women because I think I have the right to a conversation, I thought we were dating but I guess she didn’t feel the same. Thank you for helping me get past this I wish I knew where all these concerns came from but I guess I’ll never know I’ll push forward and try not to look back.
Saying that "you don't have a right for a conversation" is psychological violence
If I ever take him back he will have to had minimum 6 months of therapy, a ring to offer and an apartment that we shall live in.
Its worse now with the newer technology. It used to be that you would at least get a "Dear John" or "Dear Jane" letter in the mail. Now they just start ghosting you. Suddenly there are no more texts being sent back to you, no more emails replied to and no more picking up the phone. Its just suddenly - nothing. You might not even get the full meaning of it right away. It might take a week or two to come to the final realization that the other person is gone. And you don't even get an explanation for it either.
Hands up if your devastated right now 😢🙋🏻♀️
20+ years of deep intimacy, and the week before everything changed we talk about how lucky we are, then suddenly the next week they pull back 90% and I have no idea why. It was so agonizing at first, I looked for all the ways to blame myself, wracked my brains trying to figure out what I did wrong. Eventually started to realize maybe it wasn't something I did. But I mostly feel like it was. I am finding positives in this finally, after months, the positive is I am enjoying my life and questioning why I was so attached. I just have to give them total space, we still communicate, and there may be an opening for a future, but I am tired of hurting so I find I am letting go of wanting it or caring.
Wow Susan, you said what I have been thinking after reflection, being in a relationship like this is so hard. It happened to me, I’m still feeling it and noticed from his past stories of relationships he pushed people away at a certain point, in all of them. Says he wants to find the one”, but there is no “one”. We talked every day and “there is no reason” I could find. We always got along so well, and every time we have seen each other always fun. It’s very painful, and yes I have beat myself up with the why for months. “There is no why.” You are right dead on.
I wish you will have nice person.ibam 34 looking for serious relationship.
Norman, baby you're on the wrong site...
Thank you for telling this. I’m in off and on relationship with a guy (currently off), and only after the last break up I started to see the pattern. He’s pulling away every time it was time for the ‘next step’. I was blaming myself for becoming needy closer to the end and thought it was the reason he broke up with me. Only recently I became able to see it’s the other way around: I felt needy because he’d started to pull away. I felt and acted insecure because he’d become unsure first. Thank you again for your video, it was a great comfort to hear this kind of confirmation of my thoughts.
The famous line they always use. .. Its not you its me!!!.. i never go back once ive moved on I'm done....☺
yes that is the worst line ever, I always roll my eyes when I hear it
Thank you so so much for just telling it like it is, Susan! After many sleepless nights of tears and wondering what i did wrong and what i could have done, this video has flipped the switch for me, and I breathe a huge sigh of relief with the biggest smile on my face. It's time for me to move xx
So I wanted to be more specific about how crazy this actually is and the devastation that people can leave when they do this to someone. The guy I was dating for 6 months did this to me last week. When we started dating He was full on, stated on the second date that we should be exclusive and wanting me to meet his family and friends, he stated that he wanted me to move to his house in the near future, we discussed marriage - even talked about our wedding day (he said he wanted a small intimate wedding, I said I wanted a big one!), more kids, settling down with each other, his crazy ass even discussed adding my kids to his will! - and then slowly but surely after about 3 months he started to pull away every now and again, he said he was worried about his career, I tried my utmost best to help and support - he would then return and things would be okayish - but no longer spoke about the future that we both had initially wanted. He then finally broke it off stating that he was in love with me, it wasn’t working, he doesn’t have the time for relationship amongst some other bs. I couldn’t believe my ears and thought that this was unheard of until I came across this video.
It has given me the best perspective and the understanding that I really needed to feel peace - as you so kindly put it Susan - “He couldn’t do it” Thank you!
Its horrible to be faded out after him assuring me he had not given up on us, the whole love bombing me for three months,I thought he would always be strong and I could totally trust my heart to him. I ended up looking like a fool,when he started using the tactics, he wouldn't be good for me after an argument. Truth is, he can't step up when the going get rough,its to much work and now a days sex is abundant so no loss. I'm devastated Iv been chasing for his attention now for a month. Today was the breaker,He had been on and off, he is a total fake, cause he laid on the love so thick at the beginning.
Going through this right now 😞
Thank you so much Susan, you've helped me greatly with every word you said here. "He couldn't do it. It's within him. I can't fit it."
I have been struggling for months to let go of a lover, looking for how I could redeem myself and handle his intimacy and avoidance issues in order to get back the honeymoon phase. He has borderline disorder. He showed me the best he was able of but could not sustain it and be consistent. I have been getting crumbs of interest, it is killing me. I have been staying there in hopes I could do something for him to return to how it was before. But this is not working and painful, I need to remove myself from this one-sided unhealthy connection. As you said in a previous video, it is particularly hard to let go of a new relationship that was so full of promises and intense, but I have missed that he does not have the skill set to sustain a relationship and be vulnerable. As he said, he does self sabotage.
I ve been going through this lately, I was the one that did self sabotage when everything was actually going great. What I did realize was that getting into a new relationship was actually triggering some past break up traumas and fear of abandonment, even though, in the present, nothing justified that I felt this way. It's like some form of PTSD, and we have to be very aware of this if we don't to destroy our relationship and hurt our partner. Learn how distinguish between real issues in the relationship and problems that are caused by past traumas.
Not our job to figure them out
"They were there, and now they aren't "... that is profound! Hit home.
So glad i discovered your channel Susan...I love your videos. As someone who was dumped a year ago and the pain is still so bad, this has calmed my mind a bit. I was dumped out of the blue after two lovely years, never saw it coming so maybe it wasn't my fault after all...I was always so kind and loving and loved her so much and I still do!
Love is sometimes not enough though. :-( One thing I will say though...I will never dive in and give my heart to anyone again. Its made me very wary. I dont ever want to go through this pain again. Its a shame as I have so much love to give and am a good person but I would find it hard now to give my heart fully to someone new.
You can be as wary as you like. 11 years I was with my parthner and in the space of the covid she broke up with me. People just change, claim the they understand stuff and are aware yet sit back while you struggle all the while giving times to others.
You know what Susan... This is exactly what happened to me... Everything you said in this video.. It's like an 'anha' moment.. Gosh... Now I know.. And I'll get to that space of mental peace.. And clarity.. I know I will... Thankyou...
Hi Susan, this is very god advice. It becomes extremely difficult if there are strong feelings involved. If the feelings are especially deep there will be suffering. This is to be expected. It is the great risk we take in relationships. They can generate extreme happiness or great suffering. This is the challenge of life.
F Roy You are so telling the truth!!!
Hi Susan, thank you for this.. I have just experienced this with someone.. it was so lovely, seemed so real and really connected with this person. Then, everything seemed to changed, the conversations seemed more reserved and always felt his guard was up, it was so different.. no warmth or anything. This explains it! x
I’m amazed at how your videos are exactly what I need because of my breaking with my girlfriend. Thanks a million for your words, your thoughts, your guidance I truly appreciate it. I send you love and peace
Susan. I did blame myself. I didn’t chase I told her to figure her self out. I will not push to get them back. But It truly hurts internally questioning ones self. I must say. She taught me to be more decisive and congruent with my beliefs. But what a relief hearing you say that. Mental piece just happened. when I clicked play. 👍🏻
The avoident personality...run!
I sound like a broken record but you are heaven-sent! Your insights into modern dating and relationships are so profound I cant imagine getting this kind of education anywhere else. Wayne Dyer once said relationships are the grad school of the human experience. So glad to have you walking arm-in-arm with us on this journey.
Richest Blessings! 💕
Wow. This was divine timing. Thank you ☺
This is, in my opinion, your best video you've ever released. Yes, I'm biased because this currently happening to me, but this is so well explained. Thank you Susan.
Hi Susan! Im exactly in this situation right now and processing break up. Feeling terrible mentally and physically. Just woke up in the middle of the night and my heart is aching. I saw a lot of your videos but this has been the most on point and helping for me because every single aspect you mentioned i have got through just recently. It helps a lot to understand what is actually happening and thank you for that! Its the only thing that keeps me sane.
I just got dumped out of the blue in my first real relationship years, drank heavy two days switched gears and came back from a work out and found this vid. Thank you for clarifying exactly what I was trying to do. I didn’t keep prying into what was the reason, she just said ‘we got differences’ never argued or fought before she dumped me. I believe a relationship is working things out together. Will focus on myself, and if she does find me again, I’ll follow your advice and not just accept as if nothing happened. Thank you for a great vid!
Had to pause at 8:09 and write my comment " breathe your first moment of mental peace". That's exactly how it will feel. Great video so far, I subscribed mid way, commenting 3/4 through..Great content, thanks.
Partnership is about consistency...wow...okay..;)
This video talks exactly what I’m going through right now. I fell better for knowing that I’m not going crazy, however it’s sad to see that so many people are at the same place and some ex still keep doing that. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you, this has really resonated with me. It's so sad but so true. It gives me comfort that there are others thinking and feeling this too
Really struck a chord with me. Ive had my experience with this in the past being detrimental to my mental health. Met a new woman who did everything you just said with phase 1 but lacked consistency. Now, they're knocking back on the door after Ive removed myself and moved forward. Thank you for wisdom.
I love this. Every other relationship expert video I’ve watched said he’s just not interested if he pulls away or you didn’t show attraction so he thinks you’re not into him, or he got claustrophobic for a moment and needed to pull away to think about what he wants, but finally, this sounds right. Thank you.
This was good to listen to months later. Great video of letting go of flaky people. Thank you, Susan.
Susan, I've watched countless videos since my partner of 2 years abruptly left a month ago, but these words give me more peace and clarity than anything else I've heard. Thank you.
Like what you said, he couldn't sustain things between us. He seemed too exhausted to maintain it for reasons I can't understand. He said he wasn't in love with me anymore, but I struggle to accept that because of how much happiness, intimacy, and romance we shared until the very end. It makes no rational sense. Is it common for the "dumper" in this situation to misinterpret the pain of his personal struggles as falling out of love, or are they truly the same thing?
The same thing just happened to me a month ago. everything was perfect and then all of a sudden she was done. do you mind if i ask how you are doing now? has your life improved since then?
Same, 2 years in and moved into our own place and a month in he no longer has feelings, is numb, and self destructive. I think either one he's cheating or two he realized a relationship takes work and is hard sometimes when paying bills and having to prioritize work and relationships and himself. Either way, he's not a reliable partner. He shut down. Says he can't talk on the phone or look at me. I moved out and am starting to move my stuff back to my home city.
This was so hugely helpful. I’ve been suffering for three months, getting better, but still feeling real loss and sadness and sense of betrayal. This has helped me more than anything else. Thank you so much. I subscribed and am going to watch all your videos. I need to learn these things so I can do better next time!