Please Note: I do not have a telegram account and will not contact you privately for any reason. If someone reaches out to you based on a comment you have left claiming to be me, this is a fraudulent account.
It's so unfair. You're born not receiving the love and care required as a human being, and spend the rest of your life searching for (and never receiving) that same love and care 😢secure people don't know how lucky they are. To be loved all their lives
@seanthegod4585 how do you know I'm nit a victim? You have no idea who/what caused my issues. For the record, I don't EVER view myself in that light, anyway. But just for once in my 42 years on earth, I am choosing to recognise the unfairness of my situation, and sit with that a while. It ISN'T fair, and who are you to tell me otherwise?? This is MY pain, and my life and I'll deal with it how I see fit, and if others feel the same as me, that's also their choice
It was probably meant empowering. Like try to learn and rise above the insecure attachment and striving to become secure, happy and fullfilled and content. I myself im striving for this too, btw im a mixture of anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant. But mostly anxious but im activly working to become secure.
Approaching problems as a lesson to be learned & not as just nuisances and inconveniences of life. It's like being appreciative that both people can be mature enough to realize that life comes with problems, yet it's good to have someone to support you along the way. @@D.M.S.
“You’re denying parts of yourself, and those parts that you’re denying might actually be the things that, if you stepped into them, would make you the most attractive to other people.” I find this to be incredibly encouraging. Thank you Heidi ❤
Me too. It's exciting to go into the next relationship unapologetically as ourselves. I made a few lists so that I can give my inner-self that relationship that I've unconsciously craved: - Things I genuinely love to do and talk about - How I like to feel loved - How someone makes me feel safe being my authentic self - What am I actually physically attracted to
I’m denying the part of myself that hates being around people. I deny my urge to drink and smoke daily. Those desires are way more authentic than any desire I have to be nice to the public. I don’t think stepping into those things would be helpful although it would be radically authentic.
@@MasterTFast I’m glad you brought this up. Because it’s inherently important to own those parts of ourselves that we know others wouldn’t approve of…and accept them. I actually believe it’s why sometimes the best bonds are between bar buddies or drunken partiers…until that is that vice has its way. Our own personal love for particular vices IS still who we are but there’s a second element to all she spoke about here and that vices may bond but they eventually destroy, wear down or prohibit growth. I used to smoke cigarettes and I’ll tell you that even today I think I’d REALLY love to have a puff, until I realize that no I wouldn’t out of the sheer fact it would mean I’d hurt other parts of myself in doing so- namely my health (which is already failing and on the miserable side). I’d also say there’s a large part of myself that REALLY would absolutely LOVE to wildly fuck the guy I have a crush on, but I know from experience what I think I would really love to do actually turns into a friggin total nightmare (STD’s, unwanted pregnancy, personal shame from being undisciplined) ,..so I don’t. Sacrifice has a lot to do with love. But she’s just talking about authenticity here. And you certainly CAN bond very strongly with someone else also given to those vices. It just doesn’t mean it would be a good bond. The real question is- are you truly being authentic in saying you want to drink and smoke daily? Like ACTUALLY do that? I doubt it. Ask yourself instead what it is specifically you believe is the reason why you really want to drink and smoke daily…. Do you feel more relaxed? Do you feel warmth from these activities? What are you gaining from them? What’s so enjoyable and desirous about it? For me I discovered smoking was a safe way to gain social ‘’warmth’’ WITHOUT having to have the dangers of a real relationship with another. I was taking artificial warmth of the bud, the red hearth of the cigarette and pulling it straight into my chest rather than ‘’risking’ genuine warmth straight to the heart from ‘’scary’’ relationships which I couldn’t control. I have heard with drinking, people are trying to escape a problem deep inside they don’t want to look at OR do not believe is even solvable anymore and drinking is like a pain medication to help the pain go away for just a while. That whatever they’re accepting as unchangable is an irritant and drinking is the only escape provided.. Obviously there’s nothing wrong in these desires inherently, but the method in alleviation is disastrous for good growth. I mean, I could piss on my newly sprouted tomato plants because I have no water to give them, but eventually it’s just going to cause rot and destruction. I HIGHLY doubt I’m desirous of seeing my plants go to rot when I planted them to grow up and bear good fruit for me to eat and be nourished by my work. So get to the ROOT of the NEED and seek better solutions from there. Remember she’s talking about AUTHENTICITY. Can you be authentic or realistic when you’re seeking easier less direct alternatives for desired outcomes? No. I do like your comment though! I think it’s an excellent question. Glad you said it!!
she stepped into her authentic self, that's why she's so good. Also, notice, how amazing her hair looks? she used to dye it blondeish. It's like a metaphor.. ❤
Heidi, coming from a psychology backround and currently writing my master’s thesis, I want to pay you utmost respect. How you presented this content is groundbreaking and beyond eyeopening. So many more people should get to see this! Thank you 🙏🏼
Anxious - I'm not ok, others are ok. I need other person to complete me. Avoidant- others are not ok, I'm ok, I need to help others to be in a relationship. Secure - Everyone are ok, I need to find someone who adds value to my life. We tend to seek what's familiar, i.e, inauthenticity in case of insecurely attached. WE DON'T SEEK WHAT WE WANT, WE SEEK WHAT'S FAMILIAR.
Your framing around anxiously attached people being afraid to show confidence because then they will no longer be someone who requires care and will be abandoned, is an excellent insight. I had never seen it that way. But it explains a lot about why codependent people in my life don't seem to be capable of becoming secure. The anxious person requires that they stay needy and incapable so that the avoidant person can maintain their role of rescuer. Neither of them is willing to give up even an inch of that dynamic. Once I became secure and started expressing my ability to confidently do my own thing and set boundaries I lost the most anxious people in my life. I have no problem with that.
I'm not afraid to show confidence for fear of abandonment. I'm afraid that my needs will always be labeled as wrong or bad and never be met in the only person who can meet them. There's certain needs that can only be met in others - sex, companionship, loyalty, etc. If you can meet all of your needs on your own, relationships would be pointless. We all need each other and no one is independent. I'm tired of being labeled as needy or codependent just for acknowledging the basic human need to connect and wanting just baseline levels of it
@@smokingcrab2290 no one healthy is totally independent and no one healthy is codependent either. Interdependence and balance is key. Anxious are afraid to have to grow up and meet on a regular basis their own needs for validation and a sense of identity and worth, nothing to do with sex.
While my parents "didn't know any better" they are just exactly as they were, and I get to spend the rest of my life watching these videos and being in treatment. The process of this healing is life-long and utterly disabling. (there's only so far a bird can fly born with one wing)
Idk. I'm not you so if this doesn't fit I understand. But I don't think you are a "bird born with one wing". More like a bird who was only taught to walk, and so has atrophied and weak wings. We have the wings, just as everyone has a full range of emotions and ability to feel secure, but we were never able to exercise these assets due to environmental pressures. However, even if it's hard, and the wings are never quite right, and we occasionally find ourselves still walking on the ground, that doesn't mean we can't still learn to fly anew. We'll always remember, and our early attachment will always be a part of us, but these are skills we all have an innate ability to learn. But you're right, learning as an adult is so much harder than as a kid, not to mention all the unlearning that must happen. Maybe healing will be life long, and I agree it is disabling. I'm mad at my parents about it too, even if it really was done unintentionally. But even so, we can rewire much of this, it just takes time and effort and most importantly help.
When we are operating from a place of strategy to be perfect for the other person, we get hurt by rejections even if we didn't like them because we are disappointed in ourselves for not being good enough as our fake version. We also get upset that the other person wasn't going to be a fake version of themselves to mould into us just to make the relationship survive. I've been through this many times when I didn't even like them or even hated them but then I feel so deflated when they leave.
Yea! This is heavy stuff for me! I was always looking for the person to complete me, as in make me OK. That’s just getting from a negative number to zero. We need to be looking for the person who brings us higher into positive territory.
Totally. I spent 2 years finding the what caused me wanting to be recognized all the time. It took the last 6 months to finally get answers, with help, and now getting used to my more authentic self. The rest will happen naturally, I believe. Most importantly I want to always be self aware and autonomous in my purpose. No more looking it up at the partner. It got me from abuse of substances and to really care for myself. It is super powerful.
The worst is feeling like no one will ever love you even as you are because all you've had is rejection and disappointments even from the people you've given yourself the most to
@@parkimedes no. That’s not what she said. You’re still in a mode of USAGE of another. The other person should not be looked to for them to bring you into a higher good. You are only to be looking toward yourself to gain a higher good and then, only then will you find a good match.
Your videos make me cry a lot because I get to hear from someone else that my unmet needs aren't fundamentally wrong, its just a matter of aligning myself with someone who knows they aren't wrong. It really hurts since I don't know how or where to find that person.
I'm not sure whether you are healing the "I'm wrong" fundamental belief yourself or whether you have done the work and are just waiting to align with someone who is compatible with you. Reconnect with your self, really focus on nurturing yourself and giving yourself the love you are craving. Then, trust yourself and the universe (if you believe in this) and let go. You never know when you could run into someone who can shake up your life in the best way possible! Wishing you the best on your journey ❤
@@katayna_girl8468It’s a myth. Stable fulfilled people are called sages, or saints. They don’t look for partners. You can become one yourself. It is actually the only solution to our misery.
I have found that I've been the authentic one in the last couple relationships I've been in, and the women I dated started having the facade drop after 6 months or so of being together. It's hard being on the receiving end of someone who is being the person they think you want to see, or the person they wish they were, or maybe even the person they want to be but aren't quite there yet. Everyone is hurt when you're not your authentic self.
I've also been here. The rug pull was terrible and hurtful and I didn't know what to do. Thankfully I'm in therapy, I watch this channel and PDS. they've really helped me overcome the pain of that rug pull after I fell in love with who they pretended to be
@@generaldilvry69 I thought this too, only I was the one being authentic and not putting on a facade. I truly enjoy relationships where we have healthy debates understand each other's perspectives, but agree to disagree on matters and don't fight. To me, it feels very healthy. Years later, I found out the agreeing to disagree supposedly was her not having a voice. And she thought fighting about petty nonsense is supposedly more healthy? 🤷♂
I've learned later that I have an anxious attachment, which I think was made worse by being with an avoidant. The first couple times she took off, I thought it was weird. I didn't understand the behavior, but didn't chase her because I knew it was her problem to deal with. As I got more anxious with time, a push pull dynamic started.
@@user-hx3kd1zn7fI am in this exact same situation. It is so painful. We've come to a point in which we pretty much take turns to chase the other and then pull away. It's horrible and so difficult to let go of when you get those tiny moments of "compatibility" to feed the next weeks of push-and-pull. Just typing it feels so toxic.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
When I read Memoirs of a Geisha about 25 (?) years ago I recognized myself as the geisha. I tried, and was really good at, becoming exactly what they wanted and needed. I’ve 4 serious proposals and pre-proposed to ( if that’s a term) at least 5 times. Married twice. Single now for 4 years. Both parents Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In addition to addiction, neglect, abandonment, physical abuse, etc. I’ve been in the healing process for the past 4 years, I hope to have a loving healthy relationship someday. I jokingly tell people that I don’t have baggage what I have is a huge set of luggage. lol
Month 4 of having of my anxious heart shattered and the worst mental health crisis of my life. Thank you Heidi for gently helping me traverse the darkness.
I can totally see you developing a relationship guidance tool that asks one question at a time and, based on the answer to that question, guides a person to not only know themself but offers resources to be accessed that will help to fill in areas of deficit before the next question is accessed - a sort of mentorship program that will finally result in someone who is ready to enter a relationship securely. You have so much to offer and I so appreciate that you are sharing what you love to do. I take your book suggestions seriously and am currently reading 6 Pillars of Self Esteem. I have been avoidant and shame-bound for decades but hope to turn that around now that I recognize it. Thank you for what you have given to me. ❤
Yes please. A tool like this would be great. I am having trouble learning my true authentic self because of so many layers of conditioning that I have.
I'm anxious and fell for an avoidant , and she destroyed me into pieces , this knowledge must must be spread , so no one has to go through hell , like we did 💔
Sorry to hear about your heartbreak ❤ fortunately Heidi's videos are available for free here for anyone that needs them. Unfortunately heartbreak will probably be something that most of us encounter on our healing journey. We probably can't prevent suffering altogether, but we can promote that as a door for self-discovery.
I'm anxious attachment transitioning into secure. I've done a lot of work the last 2 years thanks to your videos and others on YT. For the first time ever, I don't bother getting into a serious relationship without having a discussion about compatibility first. And I'm not afraid to be transparent. Like duhhh it makes so much sense but I never thought about that before. I thought a strong emotional attachment=love and boy does that cause problems hehe. :)
Right. My mind was blown when i realized you can have very strong emotional attachments and still maintain space. Maturity is releasing the "we must be fated" narrative in favor of loving these attachments from afar.
@@adamoconnor5966 I’m not OP, but for me the core work I had to do was related to my mom and learning a little more how she raised me. She basically conditioned me to be emotionally detached, and would shut down with any emotion I expressed. Basically any emotion was too much. Too happy or too sad? She would blame. She was quite abused herself growing up and never resolved things. First step is recognizing the source of the problem. It is not you! It is not the men or women you are dating! It is the conditioning you received growing up. Then once you can see the source of the problem, now you have won half the battle, because you will be able to start working with a therapist or good friends to overcome the habits. Secondly, I actually do credit my return to Christian faith as a large catalyst in the process. It is not the entire thing, but it helped me to recognize Im not alone and the struggles we have are actually a part of our general spiritual maturing and should not be seen as a reason to fall into despair.
I feel like i get rejected by women when showing my true feelings. Each time i do, the women just disappear... I'm trying to heal this. Watching video's like this made me realise there is nothing wrong with me, i didn't do anything wrong or anything i just presented my honest self. The women were definitely avoidant which i also struggle with. I've been living with a closed heart perhaps that's why i am interested in my fellow avoidants? Now that i opened up my heart i feel more honest connections but still trying to fix my insecurity so we can have a great relationship :D
@@ProtectedAndHappy Thank you for your wisdom. I've come to realise i wasn't fully authentic with my romantic interests. I've always been hiding the 'soft' part of me because of fear of rejection. Things like showing desire and emotionality, showing i care, etc because i've falsely believed these are the reasons for my rejection. Maybe i've felt attracted to avoidant women because i deep down feel like im needy and that just proves it. Now that i've realised it, i believe my dating life will be much better.
Another thing i'd like to add is: i have met a friend who is fully in touch with his softer side and i saw how people liked him because of it instead of getting disgusted. Same with women. The woman i'm interested in is also soft and she likes soft men too. That made me realise there is no need for hiding and being insecure. It's just a deep grained belief that sensivity = rejection
If you're a man, 99% of your romantic interests will reject you. It's just how the odds are. Unless you're a 6 foot tall wealthy 9/10 gigachad. Then the statistics greatly increase.
@marcus716. It also depends on how it’s “presented” so to speak. I don’t want anything too deep/heavy within the first 3 months. And as a female I do find it a turn-off if the man is very soft before really knowing him. I’m not talking about serious stuff like he loses someone, a pet or becomes unemployed etc. Life changes. Obviously those situations are hard and support is needed. Many women simply prefer men that aren’t soft when there’s no apparent reason to be. Personally I find it a little annoying if he’s soft but not the type to make a difference in the world by being kind to those around him whether it’s strangers or not - if it’s just navel gazing. Nah. Sometimes the “softness” can be an act to try to appear more attractive and women sense that. Be happy and do fun things in the beginning of dating - observe her and find out if she’s even someone for YOU and then the softer sides can come naturally and won’t be a repellant as they might be in the beginning
I identify with both insecure-anxious and (earned) secure. I love attachment theories, but also feel like because it's a heuristic model it tends to be somewhat categorical, with tightly defined categories. I feel there are transitional states per the theories of Donald Winnicott (transitional phenomena) and W.R.D. Fairbairn (infantile dependency, quasi-independence, mature dependency). I would like to see attachment theory evolve through placing styles on a spectrum or becoming a dimensional model rather than hewing to a descriptive/categorical model. But I understand sometimes analysis has to be simplified into ideal types to sort of capture elements of the world by encapsulating core dynamics. Just wanted to share this thought.
Heidi, you have an amazing way of distilling a topic, of breaking it down into its most basic parts and succinctly communicating the result. I really appreciate the organization, enthusiasm and effort that you put into all your videos; I want to thank you so much, especially, for this one.
I agree with the part about hiding your authentic love of psychology and excitement for fear of rejection. I am struggling with getting out of the cycle of shame and hiding my true personality. Usually i am really uplifted by your videos but today i feel heavy because i know i have a lot of work left.
I listened to this over and over. I have been in therapy as I was very much an anxious attachment type person. I had a very dysfunctional childhood and was also bullied. I went into a dysfunctional marriage with an avoidant who was also emotionally abusive. When he left me and the kids, I started to work on myself physically and emotionally. I lost 50 pds, got braces, and read and listened to podcasts about relationships. I feel like I am finally whole and able to have a healthy relationship but it's the how that is still a struggle. What to look for, what questions to ask... this helped me immensely. Thank you, Heidi. 🙂
I recently got the courage to leave my toxic, kinda narcissistic boyfriend of 3,5 years. I gained self-respect and overcome depression and some other struggles. Now I started going on dates again and I realised that my type has changed drastically. I’m now more into people who genuinely seem nice and wholesome. Before that I was attracted to guys who have high status jobs etc. Besides that I tried to be more myself and don’t really try to impress people anymore.
This video made me realize how many progresses I made from being anxious to being secure in a relationship… I am still leaning anxious sometimes, but I have learnt to use and appreciate space and tolerate discomfort. Beautiful video as always
@@smilealways4978 I needed therapy to “unlock” some factual and emotional memories, read some self-help books namely “Adult children of emotionally immature parents”, “Attached” etc, and also learnt that I have ADHD, which contributes like crazy to my emotional dysregulation. Also what often helps me is journaling with some shadow work prompts, you find them overall on the internet, also in Heidi’s videos.
I understand "space" but theres no way the relationship will ever be secure until you establish mutual trust and relationship agreements with the avoidant person that ensure the both of you are meeting each other's needs. If you're not getting your needs met, it doesn't matter how comfortable you are with space. The uncertainty and instability will kill you inside.
I feel like there are parts of myself that have become more secure and parts of my self that are still rooted in narratives that support insecure attachment. This feels so conflicting. I feel strong and authentic but insecure and uncertain at the same time.
This is probably one of the most important videos I've ever watched. Naturally, I'm not alone in this experience, which means you are helping to make the world a better place. God Bless You. 🙏🏻
This is probably the most mind-blowing video I think I've come across in my healing journey. It will probably be what I reflect on as being the turning point to finally become secure and in a healthy relationship. ❤
This is one of your most BRILLIANT videos. It SO clearly describes the false front I've put forth in my relationships. You have been one of the biggest influences on my journey of becoming secure. Thank you Heidi, from the bottom of my heart. ❤
I like to go really deep but finding a partner who wants to do the same is really hard. I can still enjoy being round them but their refusal to go deep is very frustrating and has led me to outgrow them 😢
Such a fascinating comment. "I like to go deep" aka let me just tell you how it is...🤣 Accepting people where they're at is a thing. "Outgrowing" is another term for I'm bored you're not entertaining me enough. 🙄
Prawnstar clearly you haven’t met anyone with significant trauma bpd or npd. Their defences to protect the wound is so strong and prevents them from going deep. Yes most people leaving someone with a personality disorder have outgrown them, some have the ability to do inner work some do not.
@@roxy7255 So what you're saying is everyone you've met has pretty much had a personality disorder of sorts? 🤣 I don't buy that it's "really hard" to find someone without a personality disorder. I've been employed in the mental health field for well over a decade. I'm well versed in all of the things you mentioned. I'm also familiar with b.s. when I hear it. 🙄
No, my comment was referring directly to my experience with someone with a personality disorder. Instead of bullying people in Heidis video comments how about you listen to them. You are clearly a person who isn’t able to go deep or do any inner work.
Heidi, you are one of the most brilliant attachment specialists I've ever come across here on YT, and I'm saying this with the recognition that attachment theory is increasingly becoming such a hot and well-covered topic by many therapist/psychologist/relationship coach content creators alike! I feel like I've watched it all and you are one of my favourites! Thank you SO much for the work you do!
This video is the last missing piece of my romantic pazzle dance, but finally - thanks to your articulated choice of words and clear Unique perspective- only at the age of 36 kissing 37, I now realize where my unhappiness and toxic pattern stems from in a way that I can make sense of it and explain it, not only to myself, but also in my incompatible relationships. Alone time is in my horizon, for sure, and Im not afraid to acknowledge it out loud! Haidi, you are so special and good in your field of choice, so please don't ever stop, because your service actually makes a collective differance in the world- thank you so much!!!! Such an importent message to hold for the people. Peace and love from Israel, 🦋🙌🏽🤍
This is one of the most helpful videos out there on CPTSD. It's very clear that you put a lot of time and efforts into making them which doesn't go unnoticed! I cannot thank you enough for helping us who can't afford/have access to trauma informed therapy. Love that you have healed and now celebrate the 'analysis' part of you. A tiny suggestion is that such anecdotes from your own life are much more relatable and impactful rather than the fictional instances. Cheers!
Hi Heidi - would you be willing to do a video on the unique chaos of 2 fearful avoidants in relationship? Or, a video on people who attract each other because they think they can solve each others’ trauma? Thank you for all you do.
this is the first video i’ve seen of you and i feel so connected thru the love of psychology, i feel more seen and in tune with the universe day by day 😌
heidi idk if ur gonna read this or not but damn. everytime i watch your videos i feel like ive been drowning under a bunch of bullshit my whole life. it feels so aliviating to listen to someone for the first time that just hits right where it needs to hit. finally i feel like i can breathe again, you gave me the tools and with them i could work through some of my baggage.
You always speak about the topics that hit home. I know this about myself, I even catch it fairly early. But it's so hard to Stop quick Attachment with potential partners that are wrong for me. More than frustrating.
This is crazy that this video popped up because I was just searching on chatgpt about what careers would be good for someone who...loves analyzing, investigating, seeing connections where most others don't and self development and learning new things in all areas of life, etc. I do love analyzing and exploring deeper in myself and others, but I was always told when I was little that I do too much, talk to much...etc so I stopped. And now I am finding myself again and I am learning to fully accept it, which hasn't been too hard but I also don't get into relationships because I do better by myself but perhaps it is because I didn't have compatible people in my life. Thank you Heidi for sharing all the information you do because it always speaks true to me!
Once again I find myself answering the criteria for securely attached in some ways and insecurely attached in others. So I listen for all the various parts of myself!!
No one is 100% secure. Security is an illusion. Even the most secure people are lying and all relationships have moments of insecurity. If someone says they're secure they're either 1. Holding all the power in the relationship, or 2. They're getting all their needs met.
@@smokingcrab2290 What you say reminds me of something I used to tell people about support systems - that everyone needs and has one, and the only people who say they manage without one just don't see it, but it's there or they wouldn't have survived.
31:00 is so validating. My ex who broke up with me in February was avoidant and he would question why I liked to watch people like you and other self growth/help UA-camrs, read books about self improvement, and even sometimes questioned the things he'd thought my therapist "taught" me. He had no desire to self reflect and it baffled me that he saw my interest as something negative rather than something positive I was bringing to the relationship. He framed it like I couldn't think for myself and it was toxic for me to listen to other people vs. listening to people in my life (which I do listen to the people in my life, him included, which looking back logically makes no sense). I just thought it was insane he wouldn't want a partner who was always interested in bettering herself and probably wants a doormat of a partner instead.
What separates Heidi’s work v. other channels that deals with similar themes of human psychology is that-here I really feel Heidi’s genuine, heartfelt nature in educating the audiences with many self-help-related topics and helpful advice practical techniques in self-examining and self-reflective mechanisms. What is more, I also feel she has this genuine desire for her viewers to heal and get better-which I would like to thank her hard work on this platform.
What resonated was the piece about being compatible and how it connects to the types of convos people like to have together and ‘solve’. I like going deep into topics about thy self too, and if peeps don’t dive in with me, then they aren’t my peeps. We can talk about the weather, but only briefly please because I’m seeking connection and substance. This was an excellent vid!!!
I dont know if its my trauma or nervous system or what, but Im finding every video has information for me about what support or parenting I didnt get and Im finding that her words are blurring for me cognitively and my brain is having trouble digesting everything. But because I know this is so important to understand and fully emotionally digest, so it can settle in my gut, I slowed the video down to force myself to hear every word. This is helping. Just a tip incase anyone else feels the same.
Hi Heidi, I’ve been listening to your videos this past month or so and this is my first time commenting. Thank you for encouraging that we can find opportunities and moments, new relationships and communities to re-familiarize myself with the authentic version of me. As a fearful-avoidant person, I tend to want to hide all my faults and struggles from others, and unfortunately find myself repulsed by another close one’s struggles. I then idealize, even idolize someone whom I find worthy, either potential romantic interest or even in friends and work environment. I could go on and on.. I feel so weak and naive on the one hand also hopeful and impatient on the other. Please keep coming back, you are a great resource and a role model.
Heidi I’m so glad you exist & myself & others like me get to have your videos as resources. This video fucked me up probably the most so far out of any of your videos. One of those really difficult healing journey moments where you know you’re making progress with learning but it comes with a lot of grief and is just scary as hell. Thanks for being here thanks for being you thanks for doing what you do. It truly means the world to me.
You are exceptionally talented and intelligent and so generous Heidi. Im a fearful avoidant who has worked so hard the last years and finally entered a secure relationship. Thanks to your teachings on attunment my soul has been set free and ive showed up authentically and only received love and accaptence from him and in turn from myself❤️
Just wowed by your clarity and ability to outline subtleties and show a path forward. So many creative ideas. At 66, I have finally learned how to be authentic, which has made me much more relatable - and surprisingly funny! You are providing significant value in your talks!
The video that I didn’t know I needed. Wow amazing! Thank you so much for your work! I really can’t describe how thankful I am for your content especially this video.
omg so true. I wish I had learned all of this much sooner! I'm working on showing up more authentically, accepting and loving myself. ❤️ I love that you present the information so clearly, it makes it really easy to remember. Ty!
Again, Heidi, your insight and careful, painstaking delivery is extraordinarily helpful. I'm so grateful, as many of us are. Please don’t stop - you're bringing immense relief and assistance to me and many others. 🙏🏾
Love your videos! They have been helping me a lot and super valuable. It helps me more than all the books and therapy I've been to. Super grateful to have found your channel!
Great video, Heidi. I need people to spell it out for me and this has done it very well indeed. I’ll be outlining and Venn diagramming it for months. Very very useful, indeed.
This is the first time I heard an explanation about this subject matter so clear I could literally map it to my own situation and have multiple aha moments in the process. Thanks Heidi!
Heidi, this video is so good. That part about the front-porch test and how we hide the parts of ourselves that we truly are in order to avoid rejection hits home so much with me, since I have so many core memories from my early teens of getting rejected (often very judgmentally) for just the normal things I was interested in - from my parents and friends!
Hi Heidi, lve been on my healing journey from family scapegoat abuse. You have such a gift the way you contextualize your content. This clarified so many things for me. Thankyou!
Thank you Heidi for all the videos you make. I've been watching and rewatching them for 6 months at the same time as seeing a counsellor every week. Listening to you gives me hope and makes me feel understood, as well as giving me a deeper understanding of myself. I've noticed the voice inside my head starting to be much nicer to me and many other positive changes happening in my life for the first time. I really appreciate the work you do and it's helped me immensely. There is a lot more work for me to do and I feel excited about it.
I took a break from videos for about 6 months. I saw your video today and see the growth you have made since last September. You are awesome and this video was so on point with what is happening in my life right now it is amazing!! Thank you so much!!
Omggg this video came right on time!! I’m a literally in tears. I have been struggling with anxious attachment patterning for years and going from one toxic relationship to the next my entire life. I thought I would’ve forever been doomed and didn’t know how to change my patterns. I just broke up with my fiancé because it was yet another toxic cycle. But this video really gives me the hope that I can do deeper work and get much different results. Thank you soooo much Heidi for your platform and the work you do. Completely transformational! 😍🙏
Heidi, you did a really good job with this one, a really good job. It's also one of the first I was able to follow from beginning to end without losing track of the concepts. I understood everything. I felt, everything.
I LOVED this! Exactly what I needed. I'm anxiously attached, and have been doing a lot of work on myself for the past few years, and feel like I am getting pretty dang close to being securely attached. But when it comes to dating, I'm still figuring out what I am looking for in a partner. I can recognize the men I used to be drawn to and stay away from them, but I wasn't sure what I should be looking for in their place. This was exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you so much, I enjoy and appreciate your videos! ❤
I love this video so much. I've read books and consumed so much information/media on attachment styles, but never has anyone presented it and framed solutions for becoming more secure so well! Thank you!!
As always, I love Heidi's content. I was blown away by this video and feel like I need to watch it on repeat for the next 30 hours to get it into my brain at a deeper level. Much gratitude! 🙏🏻
Please Note: I do not have a telegram account and will not contact you privately for any reason. If someone reaches out to you based on a comment you have left claiming to be me, this is a fraudulent account.
I received that before too
Hello Heidi, how can I hire you to work with my partner and I?
Nooo not the fraudulent telegram acc. Also Ur content is really good! Recommend it to all my anxious and avoidant friends 🥰
Nooo not the fraudulent telegram acc. Also Ur content is really good! Recommend it to all my anxious and avoidant friends 🥰
I learned to just purse my lips& make a sucking motion.
It's so unfair. You're born not receiving the love and care required as a human being, and spend the rest of your life searching for (and never receiving) that same love and care 😢secure people don't know how lucky they are. To be loved all their lives
Yeah thats true. I wonder if theres any benefits to having insecure attachment? Maybe other than you can write great music and poetry haha
Don't compare yourself to others. You're not a victim.
@seanthegod4585 how do you know I'm nit a victim? You have no idea who/what caused my issues. For the record, I don't EVER view myself in that light, anyway. But just for once in my 42 years on earth, I am choosing to recognise the unfairness of my situation, and sit with that a while. It ISN'T fair, and who are you to tell me otherwise?? This is MY pain, and my life and I'll deal with it how I see fit, and if others feel the same as me, that's also their choice
It was probably meant empowering. Like try to learn and rise above the insecure attachment and striving to become secure, happy and fullfilled and content. I myself im striving for this too, btw im a mixture of anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant. But mostly anxious but im activly working to become secure.
@@whiggygirl you proved my point, thanx. Stay miserable.
"In a secure partnership, it's not at all about solving each others' problems, it's about enjoying each others' problems."
Enjoying Problems?
Approaching problems as a lesson to be learned & not as just nuisances and inconveniences of life. It's like being appreciative that both people can be mature enough to realize that life comes with problems, yet it's good to have someone to support you along the way. @@D.M.S.
👏
@cjayw, "support you along the way" this is how insecure attachments form is from one person refusing to give support.
That sounded particularly insane to me
“You’re denying parts of yourself, and those parts that you’re denying might actually be the things that, if you stepped into them, would make you the most attractive to other people.”
I find this to be incredibly encouraging. Thank you Heidi ❤
Me too. It's exciting to go into the next relationship unapologetically as ourselves.
I made a few lists so that I can give my inner-self that relationship that I've unconsciously craved:
- Things I genuinely love to do and talk about
- How I like to feel loved
- How someone makes me feel safe being my authentic self
- What am I actually physically attracted to
I’m denying the part of myself that hates being around people. I deny my urge to drink and smoke daily. Those desires are way more authentic than any desire I have to be nice to the public. I don’t think stepping into those things would be helpful although it would be radically authentic.
@MasterTFast, I don't think she's referring to self sabotaging habits bro
@@MasterTFast I’m glad you brought this up. Because it’s inherently important to own those parts of ourselves that we know others wouldn’t approve of…and accept them. I actually believe it’s why sometimes the best bonds are between bar buddies or drunken partiers…until that is that vice has its way. Our own personal love for particular vices IS still who we are but there’s a second element to all she spoke about here and that vices may bond but they eventually destroy, wear down or prohibit growth.
I used to smoke cigarettes and I’ll tell you that even today I think I’d REALLY love to have a puff, until I realize that no I wouldn’t out of the sheer fact it would mean I’d hurt other parts of myself in doing so- namely my health (which is already failing and on the miserable side). I’d also say there’s a large part of myself that REALLY would absolutely LOVE to wildly fuck the guy I have a crush on, but I know from experience what I think I would really love to do actually turns into a friggin total nightmare (STD’s, unwanted pregnancy, personal shame from being undisciplined) ,..so I don’t.
Sacrifice has a lot to do with love. But she’s just talking about authenticity here. And you certainly CAN bond very strongly with someone else also given to those vices. It just doesn’t mean it would be a good bond.
The real question is- are you truly being authentic in saying you want to drink and smoke daily? Like ACTUALLY do that? I doubt it. Ask yourself instead what it is specifically you believe is the reason why you really want to drink and smoke daily…. Do you feel more relaxed? Do you feel warmth from these activities? What are you gaining from them? What’s so enjoyable and desirous about it?
For me I discovered smoking was a safe way to gain social ‘’warmth’’ WITHOUT having to have the dangers of a real relationship with another. I was taking artificial warmth of the bud, the red hearth of the cigarette and pulling it straight into my chest rather than ‘’risking’ genuine warmth straight to the heart from ‘’scary’’ relationships which I couldn’t control. I have heard with drinking, people are trying to escape a problem deep inside they don’t want to look at OR do not believe is even solvable anymore and drinking is like a pain medication to help the pain go away for just a while. That whatever they’re accepting as unchangable is an irritant and drinking is the only escape provided.. Obviously there’s nothing wrong in these desires inherently, but the method in alleviation is disastrous for good growth. I mean, I could piss on my newly sprouted tomato plants because I have no water to give them, but eventually it’s just going to cause rot and destruction. I HIGHLY doubt I’m desirous of seeing my plants go to rot when I planted them to grow up and bear good fruit for me to eat and be nourished by my work.
So get to the ROOT of the NEED and seek better solutions from there. Remember she’s talking about AUTHENTICITY. Can you be authentic or realistic when you’re seeking easier less direct alternatives for desired outcomes? No.
I do like your comment though! I think it’s an excellent question. Glad you said it!!
I love this too! It’s so healing and liberating and resounds so much with the simple truth of life ! 💖
I like how she always uses "we" and "us" and "I" when explaining secure and insecure, instead of "you"
She don't miss, she just doesn't miss
Every time and aligned
she rly doesn't
It is fucking scary at This point
she stepped into her authentic self, that's why she's so good.
Also, notice, how amazing her hair looks? she used to dye it blondeish. It's like a metaphor..
❤
She painfully edits so she has perfectly attuned eye gazing and you notice.. her hair 😅
Heidi, coming from a psychology backround and currently writing my master’s thesis, I want to pay you utmost respect. How you presented this content is groundbreaking and beyond eyeopening. So many more people should get to see this! Thank you 🙏🏼
Agreed. Heidi is truly gifted. She breaks things down wayyy better than most people can.
Wow! Nailed it!!
Wen student is ready ...teacher will appear
Ok, one more: I am so relieved to realize these are LEARNED strategies that are causing problems for us and we CAN change!!
Yes, the book "Fearful, Avoidant in Love" talks about "earned secure" attachment. A ray of hope for some
Anxious - I'm not ok, others are ok. I need other person to complete me.
Avoidant- others are not ok, I'm ok, I need to help others to be in a relationship.
Secure - Everyone are ok, I need to find someone who adds value to my life.
We tend to seek what's familiar, i.e, inauthenticity in case of insecurely attached.
WE DON'T SEEK WHAT WE WANT, WE SEEK WHAT'S FAMILIAR.
Avoidant is more along the lines of: I'm okay, but others will say I'm not okay, I need to protect myself from others
Secure is not everyone is okay, its id rather be alone than be with the wrong person for me.
Your framing around anxiously attached people being afraid to show confidence because then they will no longer be someone who requires care and will be abandoned, is an excellent insight. I had never seen it that way. But it explains a lot about why codependent people in my life don't seem to be capable of becoming secure. The anxious person requires that they stay needy and incapable so that the avoidant person can maintain their role of rescuer. Neither of them is willing to give up even an inch of that dynamic. Once I became secure and started expressing my ability to confidently do my own thing and set boundaries I lost the most anxious people in my life. I have no problem with that.
Were you anxious or avoidant?
I'm not afraid to show confidence for fear of abandonment. I'm afraid that my needs will always be labeled as wrong or bad and never be met in the only person who can meet them. There's certain needs that can only be met in others - sex, companionship, loyalty, etc. If you can meet all of your needs on your own, relationships would be pointless. We all need each other and no one is independent. I'm tired of being labeled as needy or codependent just for acknowledging the basic human need to connect and wanting just baseline levels of it
@@smokingcrab2290well said
@@smokingcrab2290 no one healthy is totally independent and no one healthy is codependent either. Interdependence and balance is key. Anxious are afraid to have to grow up and meet on a regular basis their own needs for validation and a sense of identity and worth, nothing to do with sex.
While my parents "didn't know any better" they are just exactly as they were, and I get to spend the rest of my life watching these videos and being in treatment. The process of this healing is life-long and utterly disabling. (there's only so far a bird can fly born with one wing)
I call BS on "didn't know any better." If they could turn it off and on depending on who was watching, they knew. That's the tell. 😢
@@cc1k435 Yep. There's also acknowledging you did something wrong and apologizing.
Idk. I'm not you so if this doesn't fit I understand. But I don't think you are a "bird born with one wing". More like a bird who was only taught to walk, and so has atrophied and weak wings. We have the wings, just as everyone has a full range of emotions and ability to feel secure, but we were never able to exercise these assets due to environmental pressures. However, even if it's hard, and the wings are never quite right, and we occasionally find ourselves still walking on the ground, that doesn't mean we can't still learn to fly anew. We'll always remember, and our early attachment will always be a part of us, but these are skills we all have an innate ability to learn. But you're right, learning as an adult is so much harder than as a kid, not to mention all the unlearning that must happen. Maybe healing will be life long, and I agree it is disabling. I'm mad at my parents about it too, even if it really was done unintentionally. But even so, we can rewire much of this, it just takes time and effort and most importantly help.
You're stuck in the victim stage because you're scared of getting your needs met
@cc1k435 For sure! My dad could always turn off a rage attack like a light switch if the phone rang or someone came to the door.
When we are operating from a place of strategy to be perfect for the other person, we get hurt by rejections even if we didn't like them because we are disappointed in ourselves for not being good enough as our fake version. We also get upset that the other person wasn't going to be a fake version of themselves to mould into us just to make the relationship survive.
I've been through this many times when I didn't even like them or even hated them but then I feel so deflated when they leave.
Yea! This is heavy stuff for me! I was always looking for the person to complete me, as in make me OK. That’s just getting from a negative number to zero. We need to be looking for the person who brings us higher into positive territory.
Totally. I spent 2 years finding the what caused me wanting to be recognized all the time. It took the last 6 months to finally get answers, with help, and now getting used to my more authentic self. The rest will happen naturally, I believe. Most importantly I want to always be self aware and autonomous in my purpose. No more looking it up at the partner. It got me from abuse of substances and to really care for myself. It is super powerful.
This right here 🤦♀️ how many times have I been disappointed someone I wasn't even truely into did not fall in love and fight for me...
The worst is feeling like no one will ever love you even as you are because all you've had is rejection and disappointments even from the people you've given yourself the most to
@@parkimedes no. That’s not what she said. You’re still in a mode of USAGE of another. The other person should not be looked to for them to bring you into a higher good. You are only to be looking toward yourself to gain a higher good and then, only then will you find a good match.
Your videos make me cry a lot because I get to hear from someone else that my unmet needs aren't fundamentally wrong, its just a matter of aligning myself with someone who knows they aren't wrong. It really hurts since I don't know how or where to find that person.
I'm not sure whether you are healing the "I'm wrong" fundamental belief yourself or whether you have done the work and are just waiting to align with someone who is compatible with you. Reconnect with your self, really focus on nurturing yourself and giving yourself the love you are craving. Then, trust yourself and the universe (if you believe in this) and let go. You never know when you could run into someone who can shake up your life in the best way possible! Wishing you the best on your journey ❤
I feel you! Where are these magical stable healthy people??
@@katayna_girl8468you can be one of them , once you healing is done.
Put this in your dating profile. You'd be surprised at who might resonate
@@katayna_girl8468It’s a myth. Stable fulfilled people are called sages, or saints. They don’t look for partners. You can become one yourself. It is actually the only solution to our misery.
We need a “love” button UA-cam, sometimes a like isn’t enough.
I have found that I've been the authentic one in the last couple relationships I've been in, and the women I dated started having the facade drop after 6 months or so of being together. It's hard being on the receiving end of someone who is being the person they think you want to see, or the person they wish they were, or maybe even the person they want to be but aren't quite there yet. Everyone is hurt when you're not your authentic self.
I've also been here. The rug pull was terrible and hurtful and I didn't know what to do. Thankfully I'm in therapy, I watch this channel and PDS. they've really helped me overcome the pain of that rug pull after I fell in love with who they pretended to be
I was so naive I once though it was because we were so compatible that we didn’t fight for the first few years😮
@@generaldilvry69 I thought this too, only I was the one being authentic and not putting on a facade. I truly enjoy relationships where we have healthy debates understand each other's perspectives, but agree to disagree on matters and don't fight. To me, it feels very healthy. Years later, I found out the agreeing to disagree supposedly was her not having a voice. And she thought fighting about petty nonsense is supposedly more healthy? 🤷♂
I've learned later that I have an anxious attachment, which I think was made worse by being with an avoidant. The first couple times she took off, I thought it was weird. I didn't understand the behavior, but didn't chase her because I knew it was her problem to deal with. As I got more anxious with time, a push pull dynamic started.
@@user-hx3kd1zn7fI am in this exact same situation. It is so painful. We've come to a point in which we pretty much take turns to chase the other and then pull away. It's horrible and so difficult to let go of when you get those tiny moments of "compatibility" to feed the next weeks of push-and-pull. Just typing it feels so toxic.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Spam garbage…..
@@bartholetbay412 lol you two are pathetic. Reported
When I read Memoirs of a Geisha about 25 (?) years ago I recognized myself as the geisha. I tried, and was really good at, becoming exactly what they wanted and needed. I’ve 4 serious proposals and pre-proposed to ( if that’s a term) at least 5 times. Married twice. Single now for 4 years.
Both parents Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In addition to addiction, neglect, abandonment, physical abuse, etc. I’ve been in the healing process for the past 4 years, I hope to have a loving healthy relationship someday.
I jokingly tell people that I don’t have baggage what I have is a huge set of luggage. lol
'A huge set of luggage'! That made me laugh, TY. ;) You're not alone. At least you are aware.
Healing is brave and I hope you get everything you need. ❤
You sound like a surgeon of attachment styles 😊
Heidi this video blew my mind. You are removing all of our blindfolds, one by one. It's SO SIMPLE - how were we all living in such a fog? 🤦♀️
Month 4 of having of my anxious heart shattered and the worst mental health crisis of my life. Thank you Heidi for gently helping me traverse the darkness.
Don't ever engage with an avoidant again. These people are terrorists.
Be kind to yourself ❤.
It'll only make you stronger and wiser. You got this ❤
I can totally see you developing a relationship guidance tool that asks one question at a time and, based on the answer to that question, guides a person to not only know themself but offers resources to be accessed that will help to fill in areas of deficit before the next question is accessed - a sort of mentorship program that will finally result in someone who is ready to enter a relationship securely. You have so much to offer and
I so appreciate that you are sharing what you love to do. I take your book suggestions seriously and am currently reading 6 Pillars of Self Esteem. I have been avoidant and shame-bound for decades but hope to turn that around now that I recognize it. Thank you for what you have given to me. ❤
Thank you for doing the work 🌸🫶🏻🙏🏻 Happy healing.
Yes please. A tool like this would be great. I am having trouble learning my true authentic self because of so many layers of conditioning that I have.
I'm anxious and fell for an avoidant , and she destroyed me into pieces , this knowledge must must be spread , so no one has to go through hell , like we did 💔
Yes!! Broadcast this video on all the TV channels for 24 hours
Sorry to hear about your heartbreak ❤ fortunately Heidi's videos are available for free here for anyone that needs them. Unfortunately heartbreak will probably be something that most of us encounter on our healing journey. We probably can't prevent suffering altogether, but we can promote that as a door for self-discovery.
Just going through it💔
avoidants are emotional terrorists
@@Cojrak 💚
Couldn’t click faster! Love your videos
I love her videos too! How can my partner and I hire her to do attachment work with us?
I'm anxious attachment transitioning into secure. I've done a lot of work the last 2 years thanks to your videos and others on YT. For the first time ever, I don't bother getting into a serious relationship without having a discussion about compatibility first. And I'm not afraid to be transparent. Like duhhh it makes so much sense but I never thought about that before. I thought a strong emotional attachment=love and boy does that cause problems hehe. :)
Right. My mind was blown when i realized you can have very strong emotional attachments and still maintain space. Maturity is releasing the "we must be fated" narrative in favor of loving these attachments from afar.
" I thought a strong emotional attachment=love and boy does that cause problems hehe." This was me for the longest time, finally recovering as well
What's the point of getting into a relationship if you're not going to be upfront about your expectations?
Can you go into detail the kind of work you’ve done for yourself to heal your anxious attachment?
@@adamoconnor5966 I’m not OP, but for me the core work I had to do was related to my mom and learning a little more how she raised me. She basically conditioned me to be emotionally detached, and would shut down with any emotion I expressed. Basically any emotion was too much. Too happy or too sad? She would blame. She was quite abused herself growing up and never resolved things.
First step is recognizing the source of the problem. It is not you! It is not the men or women you are dating! It is the conditioning you received growing up. Then once you can see the source of the problem, now you have won half the battle, because you will be able to start working with a therapist or good friends to overcome the habits.
Secondly, I actually do credit my return to Christian faith as a large catalyst in the process. It is not the entire thing, but it helped me to recognize Im not alone and the struggles we have are actually a part of our general spiritual maturing and should not be seen as a reason to fall into despair.
I feel like i get rejected by women when showing my true feelings. Each time i do, the women just disappear... I'm trying to heal this. Watching video's like this made me realise there is nothing wrong with me, i didn't do anything wrong or anything i just presented my honest self. The women were definitely avoidant which i also struggle with. I've been living with a closed heart perhaps that's why i am interested in my fellow avoidants? Now that i opened up my heart i feel more honest connections but still trying to fix my insecurity so we can have a great relationship :D
Speaking of this, i got rejected again yesterday 🤣 but this time it was without me being vulnerable
@@ProtectedAndHappy Thank you for your wisdom. I've come to realise i wasn't fully authentic with my romantic interests. I've always been hiding the 'soft' part of me because of fear of rejection. Things like showing desire and emotionality, showing i care, etc because i've falsely believed these are the reasons for my rejection. Maybe i've felt attracted to avoidant women because i deep down feel like im needy and that just proves it. Now that i've realised it, i believe my dating life will be much better.
Another thing i'd like to add is: i have met a friend who is fully in touch with his softer side and i saw how people liked him because of it instead of getting disgusted. Same with women. The woman i'm interested in is also soft and she likes soft men too. That made me realise there is no need for hiding and being insecure. It's just a deep grained belief that sensivity = rejection
If you're a man, 99% of your romantic interests will reject you. It's just how the odds are. Unless you're a 6 foot tall wealthy 9/10 gigachad. Then the statistics greatly increase.
@marcus716. It also depends on how it’s “presented” so to speak. I don’t want anything too deep/heavy within the first 3 months. And as a female I do find it a turn-off if the man is very soft before really knowing him. I’m not talking about serious stuff like he loses someone, a pet or becomes unemployed etc. Life changes. Obviously those situations are hard and support is needed. Many women simply prefer men that aren’t soft when there’s no apparent reason to be. Personally I find it a little annoying if he’s soft but not the type to make a difference in the world by being kind to those around him whether it’s strangers or not - if it’s just navel gazing. Nah. Sometimes the “softness” can be an act to try to appear more attractive and women sense that. Be happy and do fun things in the beginning of dating - observe her and find out if she’s even someone for YOU and then the softer sides can come naturally and won’t be a repellant as they might be in the beginning
I identify with both insecure-anxious and (earned) secure. I love attachment theories, but also feel like because it's a heuristic model it tends to be somewhat categorical, with tightly defined categories. I feel there are transitional states per the theories of Donald Winnicott (transitional phenomena) and W.R.D. Fairbairn (infantile dependency, quasi-independence, mature dependency). I would like to see attachment theory evolve through placing styles on a spectrum or becoming a dimensional model rather than hewing to a descriptive/categorical model. But I understand sometimes analysis has to be simplified into ideal types to sort of capture elements of the world by encapsulating core dynamics. Just wanted to share this thought.
Heidi, you have an amazing way of distilling a topic, of breaking it down into its most basic parts and succinctly communicating the result.
I really appreciate the organization, enthusiasm and effort that you put into all your videos; I want to thank you so much, especially, for this one.
I agree with the part about hiding your authentic love of psychology and excitement for fear of rejection. I am struggling with getting out of the cycle of shame and hiding my true personality. Usually i am really uplifted by your videos but today i feel heavy because i know i have a lot of work left.
I listened to this over and over. I have been in therapy as I was very much an anxious attachment type person. I had a very dysfunctional childhood and was also bullied. I went into a dysfunctional marriage with an avoidant who was also emotionally abusive. When he left me and the kids, I started to work on myself physically and emotionally. I lost 50 pds, got braces, and read and listened to podcasts about relationships. I feel like I am finally whole and able to have a healthy relationship but it's the how that is still a struggle. What to look for, what questions to ask... this helped me immensely. Thank you, Heidi. 🙂
He didn't meet your needs and then he left you. Avoidants suck
I recently got the courage to leave my toxic, kinda narcissistic boyfriend of 3,5 years. I gained self-respect and overcome depression and some other struggles.
Now I started going on dates again and I realised that my type has changed drastically. I’m now more into people who genuinely seem nice and wholesome. Before that I was attracted to guys who have high status jobs etc.
Besides that I tried to be more myself and don’t really try to impress people anymore.
This video made me realize how many progresses I made from being anxious to being secure in a relationship… I am still leaning anxious sometimes, but I have learnt to use and appreciate space and tolerate discomfort. Beautiful video as always
Same here! Hang in there! ❤️
Can you guys tell me how you'll started ?
@@smilealways4978 I needed therapy to “unlock” some factual and emotional memories, read some self-help books namely “Adult children of emotionally immature parents”, “Attached” etc, and also learnt that I have ADHD, which contributes like crazy to my emotional dysregulation. Also what often helps me is journaling with some shadow work prompts, you find them overall on the internet, also in Heidi’s videos.
I understand "space" but theres no way the relationship will ever be secure until you establish mutual trust and relationship agreements with the avoidant person that ensure the both of you are meeting each other's needs. If you're not getting your needs met, it doesn't matter how comfortable you are with space. The uncertainty and instability will kill you inside.
I feel like there are parts of myself that have become more secure and parts of my self that are still rooted in narratives that support insecure attachment. This feels so conflicting. I feel strong and authentic but insecure and uncertain at the same time.
This is probably one of the most important videos I've ever watched. Naturally, I'm not alone in this experience, which means you are helping to make the world a better place. God Bless You. 🙏🏻
This is probably the most mind-blowing video I think I've come across in my healing journey. It will probably be what I reflect on as being the turning point to finally become secure and in a healthy relationship. ❤
unlikely
This is one of your most BRILLIANT videos. It SO clearly describes the false front I've put forth in my relationships. You have been one of the biggest influences on my journey of becoming secure. Thank you Heidi, from the bottom of my heart. ❤
Agreed.
Your articulateness is a treasure. Thank you for all your study, learning, and shared discourse.
I like to go really deep but finding a partner who wants to do the same is really hard. I can still enjoy being round them but their refusal to go deep is very frustrating and has led me to outgrow them 😢
I have the same issue
Such a fascinating comment. "I like to go deep" aka let me just tell you how it is...🤣 Accepting people where they're at is a thing. "Outgrowing" is another term for I'm bored you're not entertaining me enough. 🙄
Prawnstar clearly you haven’t met anyone with significant trauma bpd or npd. Their defences to protect the wound is so strong and prevents them from going deep. Yes most people leaving someone with a personality disorder have outgrown them, some have the ability to do inner work some do not.
@@roxy7255 So what you're saying is everyone you've met has pretty much had a personality disorder of sorts? 🤣 I don't buy that it's "really hard" to find someone without a personality disorder. I've been employed in the mental health field for well over a decade. I'm well versed in all of the things you mentioned. I'm also familiar with b.s. when I hear it. 🙄
No, my comment was referring directly to my experience with someone with a personality disorder. Instead of bullying people in Heidis video comments how about you listen to them. You are clearly a person who isn’t able to go deep or do any inner work.
reminds me of that one miley cyrus song "I know that you're wrong for me, gonna wish we never met on the day I leave"
lol there’s another one, even if it's unhealthy, then I don't give a damn
'Cause even if it kills me, I'll always take your hand
Heidi, you are one of the most brilliant attachment specialists I've ever come across here on YT, and I'm saying this with the recognition that attachment theory is increasingly becoming such a hot and well-covered topic by many therapist/psychologist/relationship coach content creators alike! I feel like I've watched it all and you are one of my favourites! Thank you SO much for the work you do!
New Heidi Price just dropped?!?!?! You make my life make sense! Thank you for your insight and clarity! I love you
This video is the last missing piece of my romantic pazzle dance, but finally - thanks to your articulated choice of words and clear Unique perspective- only at the age of 36 kissing 37, I now realize where my unhappiness and toxic pattern stems from in a way that I can make sense of it and explain it, not only to myself, but also in my incompatible relationships.
Alone time is in my horizon, for sure, and Im not afraid to acknowledge it out loud!
Haidi, you are so special and good in your field of choice, so please don't ever stop, because your service actually makes a collective differance in the world-
thank you so much!!!!
Such an importent message to hold for the people.
Peace and love from Israel,
🦋🙌🏽🤍
This is one of the most helpful videos out there on CPTSD. It's very clear that you put a lot of time and efforts into making them which doesn't go unnoticed! I cannot thank you enough for helping us who can't afford/have access to trauma informed therapy. Love that you have healed and now celebrate the 'analysis' part of you.
A tiny suggestion is that such anecdotes from your own life are much more relatable and impactful rather than the fictional instances. Cheers!
Hi Heidi - would you be willing to do a video on the unique chaos of 2 fearful avoidants in relationship? Or, a video on people who attract each other because they think they can solve each others’ trauma? Thank you for all you do.
this is the first video i’ve seen of you and i feel so connected thru the love of psychology, i feel more seen and in tune with the universe day by day 😌
heidi idk if ur gonna read this or not but damn.
everytime i watch your videos i feel like ive been drowning under a bunch of bullshit my whole life.
it feels so aliviating to listen to someone for the first time that just hits right where it needs to hit.
finally i feel like i can breathe again, you gave me the tools and with them i could work through some of my baggage.
You always speak about the topics that hit home. I know this about myself, I even catch it fairly early. But it's so hard to Stop quick Attachment with potential partners that are wrong for me. More than frustrating.
This is crazy that this video popped up because I was just searching on chatgpt about what careers would be good for someone who...loves analyzing, investigating, seeing connections where most others don't and self development and learning new things in all areas of life, etc. I do love analyzing and exploring deeper in myself and others, but I was always told when I was little that I do too much, talk to much...etc so I stopped. And now I am finding myself again and I am learning to fully accept it, which hasn't been too hard but I also don't get into relationships because I do better by myself but perhaps it is because I didn't have compatible people in my life. Thank you Heidi for sharing all the information you do because it always speaks true to me!
Once again I find myself answering the criteria for securely attached in some ways and insecurely attached in others. So I listen for all the various parts of myself!!
How beautifully put regarding the different parts. I am stealing that ❤
No one is 100% secure. Security is an illusion. Even the most secure people are lying and all relationships have moments of insecurity.
If someone says they're secure they're either 1. Holding all the power in the relationship, or 2. They're getting all their needs met.
@@smokingcrab2290 What you say reminds me of something I used to tell people about support systems - that everyone needs and has one, and the only people who say they manage without one just don't see it, but it's there or they wouldn't have survived.
31:00 is so validating. My ex who broke up with me in February was avoidant and he would question why I liked to watch people like you and other self growth/help UA-camrs, read books about self improvement, and even sometimes questioned the things he'd thought my therapist "taught" me. He had no desire to self reflect and it baffled me that he saw my interest as something negative rather than something positive I was bringing to the relationship. He framed it like I couldn't think for myself and it was toxic for me to listen to other people vs. listening to people in my life (which I do listen to the people in my life, him included, which looking back logically makes no sense). I just thought it was insane he wouldn't want a partner who was always interested in bettering herself and probably wants a doormat of a partner instead.
Your content is what my evolving self has been in need of. Thank you for your effort and expertise!!! Much love and blessings
What separates Heidi’s work v. other channels that deals with similar themes of human psychology is that-here I really feel Heidi’s genuine, heartfelt nature in educating the audiences with many self-help-related topics and helpful advice practical techniques in self-examining and self-reflective mechanisms. What is more, I also feel she has this genuine desire for her viewers to heal and get better-which I would like to thank her hard work on this platform.
What resonated was the piece about being compatible and how it connects to the types of convos people like to have together and ‘solve’. I like going deep into topics about thy self too, and if peeps don’t dive in with me, then they aren’t my peeps. We can talk about the weather, but only briefly please because I’m seeking connection and substance. This was an excellent vid!!!
I dont know if its my trauma or nervous system or what, but Im finding every video has information for me about what support or parenting I didnt get and Im finding that her words are blurring for me cognitively and my brain is having trouble digesting everything. But because I know this is so important to understand and fully emotionally digest, so it can settle in my gut, I slowed the video down to force myself to hear every word. This is helping. Just a tip incase anyone else feels the same.
Heidi you’re blessing us with the back to back uploads, thank you!!!
Truly helping so many people advance their emotional intelligence 👏👏👏
bright triad
Heidi, I share your love of analysis. You're doing so much good for ppl with this channel. Thank you❤️
Hi Heidi, I’ve been listening to your videos this past month or so and this is my first time commenting. Thank you for encouraging that we can find opportunities and moments, new relationships and communities to re-familiarize myself with the authentic version of me.
As a fearful-avoidant person, I tend to want to hide all my faults and struggles from others, and unfortunately find myself repulsed by another close one’s struggles. I then idealize, even idolize someone whom I find worthy, either potential romantic interest or even in friends and work environment. I could go on and on..
I feel so weak and naive on the one hand also hopeful and impatient on the other. Please keep coming back, you are a great resource and a role model.
I hear you! I'm also FA
This is the video I’ve been waiting for my whole life 😭 thank you Heidi!!
This is exactly the video I needed to see!! Love your channel!!
Heidi I’m so glad you exist & myself & others like me get to have your videos as resources. This video fucked me up probably the most so far out of any of your videos. One of those really difficult healing journey moments where you know you’re making progress with learning but it comes with a lot of grief and is just scary as hell. Thanks for being here thanks for being you thanks for doing what you do. It truly means the world to me.
My God Heidi, the information you are providing is pure gold!!! Thank you very much 💖
You are exceptionally talented and intelligent and so generous Heidi. Im a fearful avoidant who has worked so hard the last years and finally entered a secure relationship. Thanks to your teachings on attunment my soul has been set free and ive showed up authentically and only received love and accaptence from him and in turn from myself❤️
Thank you for this. I didn't realise how much I needed this perspective and I really did need it.
Love your videos.
The new additions of charts is so helpful!
Just wowed by your clarity and ability to outline subtleties and show a path forward. So many creative ideas.
At 66, I have finally learned how to be authentic, which has made me much more relatable - and surprisingly funny!
You are providing significant value in your talks!
The video that I didn’t know I needed. Wow amazing! Thank you so much for your work! I really can’t describe how thankful I am for your content especially this video.
Probably the most helpful video I’ve watched on attachment. Thank you
Thank you for the clarity you bring regarding our attachment styles and our relationships ❤
This is, hands down (IMO), your best and most important video, Heidi. A thousand "thank yous"!
omg so true. I wish I had learned all of this much sooner! I'm working on showing up more authentically, accepting and loving myself. ❤️ I love that you present the information so clearly, it makes it really easy to remember. Ty!
I was thinking that too but we really needed to experience the bad to realise the detrimental effects of not being our authentic selves.
God this is so brilliant, excellently described, better than I've seen or heard anywhere else
Heidi nails it again. In one video, she connects the dots on concepts I have been piecing together for years. Grateful 🙏
Love all of your content. And this was yet another thought-provoking video. Thank you, Heidi!
You are such a gem. 💎 I am so grateful that I’m able to have this small part of you in my life.
Again, Heidi, your insight and careful, painstaking delivery is extraordinarily helpful. I'm so grateful, as many of us are. Please don’t stop - you're bringing immense relief and assistance to me and many others. 🙏🏾
Love your videos! They have been helping me a lot and super valuable. It helps me more than all the books and therapy I've been to. Super grateful to have found your channel!
One of the best videos I have seen on youtube!!❤ thank you so much.
Thanks for the "notes" column. Really nice to follow along and keep focus. So much good info at once !!!
Great video, Heidi. I need people to spell it out for me and this has done it very well indeed. I’ll be outlining and Venn diagramming it for months. Very very useful, indeed.
This is the first time I heard an explanation about this subject matter so clear I could literally map it to my own situation and have multiple aha moments in the process.
Thanks Heidi!
Heidi, this video is so good. That part about the front-porch test and how we hide the parts of ourselves that we truly are in order to avoid rejection hits home so much with me, since I have so many core memories from my early teens of getting rejected (often very judgmentally) for just the normal things I was interested in - from my parents and friends!
This is some of the most enlightening information I've ever heard. WOW!
Good job heidi in isolating a lot of overlooked things when it comes to relationship dynamics in between partners.
Part of me is glad I found your channel - the other part is freaking out. I'll keep watching and working on me. Thank you.
Your videos hit every single time. Thank you for your profound contributions to society and to this beautiful life!
I needed this! Amazing as always.
Hi Heidi, lve been on my healing journey from family scapegoat abuse. You have such a gift the way you contextualize your content. This clarified so many things for me. Thankyou!
Thank you Heidi for all the videos you make. I've been watching and rewatching them for 6 months at the same time as seeing a counsellor every week. Listening to you gives me hope and makes me feel understood, as well as giving me a deeper understanding of myself. I've noticed the voice inside my head starting to be much nicer to me and many other positive changes happening in my life for the first time. I really appreciate the work you do and it's helped me immensely. There is a lot more work for me to do and I feel excited about it.
I took a break from videos for about 6 months. I saw your video today and see the growth you have made since last September. You are awesome and this video was so on point with what is happening in my life right now it is amazing!! Thank you so much!!
Omggg this video came right on time!! I’m a literally in tears. I have been struggling with anxious attachment patterning for years and going from one toxic relationship to the next my entire life. I thought I would’ve forever been doomed and didn’t know how to change my patterns. I just broke up with my fiancé because it was yet another toxic cycle. But this video really gives me the hope that I can do deeper work and get much different results. Thank you soooo much Heidi for your platform and the work you do. Completely transformational! 😍🙏
Heidi, you did a really good job with this one, a really good job. It's also one of the first I was able to follow from beginning to end without losing track of the concepts. I understood everything. I felt, everything.
I LOVED this! Exactly what I needed. I'm anxiously attached, and have been doing a lot of work on myself for the past few years, and feel like I am getting pretty dang close to being securely attached. But when it comes to dating, I'm still figuring out what I am looking for in a partner. I can recognize the men I used to be drawn to and stay away from them, but I wasn't sure what I should be looking for in their place. This was exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you so much, I enjoy and appreciate your videos! ❤
Fantastic breakdown and so so helpful! ❤ Thank you! I’ll listen a few more times to let it really sink in!
Wow. This was an eye opener for me. I'm a DA and I've always gone into relationships thinking that I could help them fix their problems.
You are soo amazing in explaining all of this! Thanks soo much and greetings from another ENFP. ❤
Wow! Absolutely incredible information! Thank you so much, Heidi.
You're such a great educator, Heidi. Thank you for all that you do!
I love this video so much. I've read books and consumed so much information/media on attachment styles, but never has anyone presented it and framed solutions for becoming more secure so well! Thank you!!
Spot on! Thanks for this amazing video!
As always, I love Heidi's content. I was blown away by this video and feel like I need to watch it on repeat for the next 30 hours to get it into my brain at a deeper level. Much gratitude! 🙏🏻