That was me. I came to a situation in 2019 where I ended up separated from everyone I was attached to except my therapist and 8hrs/wk volunteer workplace. It wasn't my choice but where Self confidence grew because I realized I am safe with myself after a year. Took that long to stop degrading myself as hopeless...there is one year of hard evidence I could survive alone with 2 relationships to care for me and one really didn't, only to the extent they needed my time & skills & I can stop anytime. Last yr another female volunteer came, I am allowing myself to build a friendship with her without being needy or attached. It's slow because I want to attach but now I know it's not helpful to myself. Lotsa emotions idk how to deal with that seem scary and serious. Yet I feel myself on the verge of excitement because if I figure this out, imma be better n closer to healed💫 We are the one to heal ourselves. We are a complete package-nothing needed from outside of ourselves, really. We are powerful awesome energy regulation beings of Light♾️ Knowledge of Self✨️ Self-Care⛑️ Self-Love❤️ Courage✊🏾
I’m right there with you… right now. Going to through a period of “I need time and space” with my long term partner. Unfortunately, I pushed her away succumbing to a sustained period of stress with life issues outside our relationship. I became too problematic and demanding. Her avoidance just triggered me more… So I accepted the situation and I am working hard on myself to make myself the best version of me that I can be at this point. Giving myself compassion and strategies… reducing the life stresses and giving her the time she needs to relax, heal and make the best decision about what she wants and needs. It’s hard but I am enjoying the healing process and feeling much better in myself.
Me too, I’m currently working on it with my girlfriend, I’m trying to learn to appreciate our time alone so that when we’re together it’s a lot more precious. I think kind of adopting that mindset made my anxiety attachments a little better in the right step
I came on UA-cam to have a good time, and you know what I got instead? CALLED OUT! This video just helped me not only identify my blindspots but what I can do to strengthen those areas I've been neglecting. 🤯
I find myself there OFTEN. When I catch myself, I shake it off, forgive myself for going off track lil bit n ask myself what was my goal that lead me to think of them & start over 😆 Coachong/Refereeing my own mind-games🤪
That sentence: ‘how would you design your life if I’m going to live my life without a romantic relationship” hits DEEP. I’m a secure leaning anxious but I realized I have been a serial monogamist and never actually think about life ALL by myself.
same. im honestly so lost because teenage me was so independent haha. i would've never imagined myself being the type of person who got so lost in my partner, but here we are. its okay though. we can always keep getting back up. this time ill make sure i protect myself too
@@seignee hyper independence IS the same as getting lost in relationships. Those two things are both a fear of setting boundaries, daring to rely on someone else, a fear of communicating your needs. It’s a type of splitting, whereby a partner either becomes your solution to all the love and attention u didn’t receive in the past OR a threat due to how badly you want that love and attention. Because you have an obese or annorexic mindset about connections, it’s an inability to find balance and exist in a healthy middle, where you let yourself receive healing care and support WHILE also being able to stay tuned into what you need and not become overly focused on the other person.
Extremely helpful exercise and what I was never taught, until now! Thank you so very much! Of course, designing a life without a potential partner in mind requires self worth and identifying values, goals and personal preferences. This is very difficult when coming from a background of severe child neglect and abuse (hence anxious attachment).
Notes from this video: I. Strengths of Anxious Attachment Style: Embracing Openness and Vulnerability A. Anxious attachment promotes exploring new experiences in love and relationships. B. Vulnerability fosters deeper connections with partners through sharing feelings and emotions. C. Openness facilitates personal growth and enhanced understanding of oneself and others. D. Anxious individuals exhibit empathy and understanding, making them excellent listeners and supportive partners. II. Challenges: Developing Self-Protection and Boundaries A. Anxious attachment types might find boundary setting challenging, making it hard to assert themselves. B. Insufficient self-protection heightens vulnerability to harm or exploitation. C. Struggling with boundaries can lead to unhealthy relationships with undervalued needs and feelings. D. Constantly trying to please others and avoid conflict can cause overwhelm and stress. E. Cultivating healthy boundaries is essential for creating stronger, balanced relationships and preventing emotional harm. III. Managing Anger and Expectations in Relationships A. Anxious attachment types may feel anger due to dependence on partners for boundary setting, rather than taking responsibility for their needs and feelings. B. Disappointment can arise when partners don't meet expectations or fulfill needs, leading to anger. C. Anxious individuals might not directly express anger, resulting in passive-aggressive behavior or unresolved conflicts. D. Acknowledging and addressing anger, as well as taking responsibility for boundaries and expectations, can enhance communication and foster healthier relationships. IV. Observing Partner's Behavior and Detecting Red Flags A. Anxious attachment types attentively monitor partner's behavior to identify potential issues and avoid repeating past relationship mistakes. B. Promptly recognizing issues can encourage better communication and problem-solving. C. Continuously searching for red flags might induce unnecessary stress and anxiety due to worrying about non-existent problems. D. Balancing awareness of partner's behavior and not excessively focusing on potential issues is crucial. E. Establishing trust and open communication can result in more secure and stable relationships. V. Attaining Balance: Vulnerability, Self-Regulation, and Personal Boundaries A. Balanced and connected relationships necessitate combining openness and vulnerability with personal boundaries and self-regulation. B. Self-regulation helps anxious individuals manage emotions and reactions, maintaining stability in relationships. C. Establishing personal boundaries involves clear communication of needs, limits, and expectations, promoting healthier and balanced relationships. D. Harmonizing vulnerability with self-regulation and personal boundaries enables emotional openness while safeguarding oneself from potential harm. E. Enhancing these skills can assist anxious attachment types in developing stronger, more secure relationships based on trust, mutual respect, and emotional support.
I only recently found someone that I was comfortable sharing in a completely open and honest manner! The universe must have decided that I had suffered enough! It was a fluke. Can you imagine such a thing happening? 😊😊
I copied these notes down. Thank you so much for writing these and sharing. Palaniyapan, Girri Palaniyapan, •, 1 mo ago, Notes from this video: I. Strengths of Anxious Attachment Style: Embracing Openness and Vulnerability A. Anxious attachment promotes exploring new experiences in love and relationships. B. Vulnerability fosters deeper connections with partners through sharing feelings and emotions. C. Openness facilitates personal growth and enhanced understanding of oneself and others. D. Anxious individuals exhibit empathy and understanding, making them excellent listeners and supportive partners. II. Challenges: Developing Self-Protection and Boundaries A. Anxious attachment types might find boundary setting challenging, making it hard to assert themselves. B. Insufficient self-protection heightens vulnerability to harm or exploitation. C. Struggling with boundaries can lead to unhealthy relationships with undervalued needs and feelings. D. Constantly trying to please others and avoid conflict can cause overwhelm and stress. E. Cultivating healthy boundaries is essential for creating stronger, balanced relationships and preventing emotional harm. III. Managing Anger and Expectations in Relationships A. Anxious attachment types may feel anger due to dependence on partners for boundary setting, rather than taking responsibility for their needs and feelings. B. Disappointment can arise when partners don't meet expectations or fulfill needs, leading to anger. C. Anxious individuals might not directly express anger, resulting in passive-aggressive behavior or unresolved conflicts. D. Acknowledging and addressing anger, as well as taking responsibility for boundaries and expectations, can enhance communication and foster healthier relationships. IV. Observing Partner's Behavior and Detecting Red Flags A. Anxious attachment types attentively monitor partner's behavior to identify potential issues and avoid repeating past relationship mistakes. B. Promptly recognizing issues can encourage better communication and problem-solving. C. Continuously searching for red flags might induce unnecessary stress and anxiety due to worrying about non-existent problems. D. Balancing awareness of partner's behavior and not excessively focusing on potential issues is crucial. E. Establishing trust and open communication can result in more secure and stable relationships. V. Attaining Balance: Vulnerability, Self-Regulation, and Personal Boundaries A. Balanced and connected relationships necessitate combining openness and vulnerability with personal boundaries and self-regulation. B. Self-regulation helps anxious individuals manage emotions and reactions, maintaining stability in relationships. C. Establishing personal boundaries involves clear communication of needs, limits, and expectations, promoting healthier and balanced relationships. D. Harmonizing vulnerability with self-regulation and personal boundaries enables emotional openness while safeguarding oneself from potential harm. E. Enhancing these skills can assist anxious attachment types in developing stronger, more secure relationships based on trust, mutual respect, and emotional support., 83 likes, View 4 total replies 4
I'm a secure person married 20 years to a classical avoidant. I have to say - it utterly destroys your mental health. My wife is an otherwise amazing human being, but how can you stay healthy when romanticaly attached to someone who never opens up, never takes risks, never show their needs or ask for anything, never iniciate or offer anything? I feel like I'm a dog married to a cat. Worst thing about avoidants is that in the beginning of the relationship they're the ones running after you, so you get the illusion that you found a very warm person. But as soon as they get confortable around you, it's over.
Man i feel for you. In a way its encouraging to me to read this because my ex is an avoidant. We been together 4 years and i went from secure to anxious in the end. I miss her she was a wonderfull person. But far from the women she was in the begining.
🎯 so accurate 2 and 1/2 years then cold af, like I never existed. Was always supportive, patient, and caring. In the end, I literally could not deal with the broken promises and lack of emotional intimacy as well as lack of sexual intimacy. I understand her plight and have so much empathy for her, but after the breakup, I'm treated less than garbage. And they value fairness, most of all. W t f
46 years of that, and I finally said goodbye. I decided to stop wasting my years waiting for change. I'm now with a secure partner, and I'm learning to be with her.
You got to remind yourself they love you. I know it’s hard to not hear the words I love you but they truly deep down love you. It’s because as an avoidant we never were taught how to show and express love. We might not be communicative like other attachments but we let it known by nonverbal communication.
Anxious and secure individuals may need to learn to let avoidant partners face their own consequences and move on. It's not beneficial to maintain a relationship with someone who consistently avoids issues, refuses to take responsibility, and undermines your self-worth. Letting avoidants pair up might be best, so they can experience their own avoidance firsthand.
There won’t be enough chemistry or drama to sustain an avoidant pairing because neither will put the required effort in. Two avoidants attempting a romantic interest will soon end up as platonic friends or drift apart entirely. They would basically remind each other of the parents who made them dismissive avoidant.
@@JohnReid-h1c It depends. I think the pathological avoidant may still fear rejection from you, especially if they have to be in your life. So it creates a push pull. Ignore them, they try to get a little closer. Pay some attention, they run away. Like a cat. The pathological type of avoidant feels vulnerable, mostly afraid you will expose them (always looking over their shoulder), especially if they ended the relationship with bad behavior. It must be miserable being them. Many haven’t moved on - they have failed to process their emotions and sometimes even have a buried, lingering attachment. I understand that there are avoidants that are less or not pathological, but it’s still trauma-induced behavior in my opinion. I’ve realized I’ve oscillated between a secure and anxious attachment all my life. I’ve had to learn that not everyone wants to resolve issues before they go to bed. Some apparently like going to bed angry with unresolved issues and then try to take the world down with them when they can’t bottle it anymore. It’s hard when you loved someone (and built a life with them) but in the end, they did everything they can in attempt to destroy you and your character. It’s hard on everyone, sure, but it’s also extremely self-destructive. I don’t think this is a healthy way to move on or have true happiness.
@@JohnReid-h1c The type of behavior you describe: blaming, courting, and setting up a replacement is narcissistic behavior. I’m not saying that all avoidants are narcissists, because they certainly aren’t. But when someone does their best to destroy your life as they leave, that’s when it’s a disorder. I believe avoidance is caused by a varying degree of trauma/CPTSD, and when the CPTSD is severe enough where one can’t introspect and deal with their shame, that’s when they become toxic and have pathological behavior.
I want to share a fun observation I made today. So I am anxious guy, dating an avoidant lady. We are both 33 years old. Today we had a very interesting discourse in an attempt to establish effective communication. We talked about her refusal on some proposals to meetings that I made, and how did I feel about those refusals. Here is the part that I find interesting. She asked me if I felt offended by her refusal. I said, almost immediately: offended? Nooo! I felt rejected and lonely. It is funny that she would interpret cancelling as offensive (they did something wrong), while I interpreted as rejectfull (there is something wrong with me). Knowing something about attachment theory, this is absolutely predictable.
Dude. I felt the same way as you. Been dating an avoidant lady as well. Often times i feel that our way of perceiving actions is just two different worlds.
"offended? Nooo! I felt rejected and lonely" Feeling rejected and lonely by external stimuli, ie another individual, is literally being 'offended', though. Love, J
Offend is - “To hurt the feelings of; to displease; to make angry; to insult.” Reject is - “To refuse to accept.” I might be totally wrong about the OPs experience but here is how read that. Both are hurt feels…but to me they are different. She didn’t attempt to anger him, insult him…the assault originating from an external force. He might have perceived a lack of connection, maybe questioned self-worth, was open to making different offers to be more acceptable. The assault originating from an international assault.
@@JonasAnandaKristiansson I am not a native English speaker, but the way I understand the word offended is that the other side did something rude, or harsh or unfair. There is a "how dare you" element on that. Maybe a feeling that they should even apologise. The feeling I am experiencing as rejection is different. There is no blame on the other side. Just questioning of my own self worth. A sense that I am not good enough. The blame goes to me, not to the other side. Typical sign for anxious folks. This is the difference that I want to point out.
I've been learning that a boundary that I'd overlooked is that I really need to learn to hold my tongue and read the room. I'm so desperate to impress the people I like that I'll suck all the air out of a conversations going on lectures and extremely personal confessions tens of minutes long. Hell, just now I typed up a giant wall of text explaining the details of my latest anxious fiasco before I remembered that I don't know any of you guys and you don't need to know the details of my personal life. Anyway, good video as always, Heidi. Glad to hear I'm on the right track.
This video is absolutely amazing Heidi! I guess it’s just missing one thing. Usually anxious attached people are doing well in life a lone and know what they want and have a bunch of things that make them happy. But once they get into a romantic relationship, their anxious attachment takes place, and they lose a little sense of themselves (even knowing from the heart who they are). But again thank you for this videos, just discovered you channel and I’m like 😮
These 20 minutes are worth more then entire books and 1000s of hours of attachment courses, I feel like. Shockingly deep and valuable. The information also hits very deep. Thank you a lot. I am very thankful that you came back to make content! Edit: I would totally pay for a longer e/book-version of this by the way...
This makes a lot of sense. Thankyou. I start out relationships as secure but tend to fall on anxious after a while and it triggers the avoidant side of who I'm dating.
When you realize you fucked up a good thing bc you are anxiously attached and didn’t know. All I can do is focus on myself and fix my issues. I can’t bring the past into the future
I'm in that boat right now and it's terrible. I only recently started looking at videos like this one and it's been eye-opening. When I saw the "10 signs you might have anxious attachment" video it was like watching a distilled summary of my life. I really wish I had found this information in the past. It would've saved me so much suffering. I guess that starting to learn now is better than never learning though.
As a fearful-avoidant who hasn't been in a relationship for a while and knows very well I lean anxious the moment I get into some more intimate situations, I want to publicly admit - yes, I want to be saved. I want someone to take care of me, I want to not be responsible for stuff and lean on people. At some moments and some mindsets. I caught myself the other day thinking along the lines of just that, and this is part of the other point you mentioned - praying others not to be toxic, because I suddenly forget I have autonomy and am capable of defending myself. The fear of others stepping on me is something more along the fearful-avoidant side, of course, so I can't wait for that video. But besides that, the purely anxious side of things is very present in me these past few days and it's great to have it articulated.
By the way this is why I like IFS and similar theories that claim we are made up of personalities. I am not always like that, I have proved to myself that at some moments I can act like a secure person, and more importantly, think like one. However, the moment there's a triggering intimate situation plus some outside stress has piled up, I suddenly get into the anxiously attached personality and become resentful that others don't take care of me. I literally watch myself as I start thinking this way. As if some switch has been turned on and I'm made into a different person.
@@mequable I noticed that hormones contribute to this. There are times in my cycle where I feel the need to be taken care of and crave the attention of a man and other times not. There is an element of evolutionary biology to this that psychological cognitive theory doesn’t consider. Sometimes it’s human to feel the inclination to nurture or care for the other or need care from the other person….. but overall she’s right. About being self protective and vulnerable at the same time. I heard someone say that one must stand in your power while still being vulnerable and open-hearted. This is delicate balance and skill.
Whoa!! Thanks for sharing the thoughts on "wanting to be saved sometimes" I can relate. It's pretty embarrassing in middle school through college I would daydream about being an adult and my boyfriend/husband saving me and caring about me. It wasn't until my mid 20s i realized how messed up that was. I needed to be okay on my own 2 feet so to speak.
Since my breakup with my fiancé last Monday I’ve been binge watching attachment style theories and learning more and more about where I fall. And to be honest this is one of the best videos I’ve come across. I’ve always fallen into the pit of identifying my partners red flags soon after a failed relationship. Of course it doesn’t mean that I didn’t evaluate myself and what I did wrong but I was so focused on the other person, this individual that is/was no longer in my life that I failed to spend all of that valuable time focusing on my blind spots. This was so very helpful and has provided me with the perspective that I need to do better myself.
Same question as nick, how have you healed since? (If you don't mind me asking) My ex-fiance broke up with me right before the holidays last year. I'm still struggling. Hoping there is light at the end of things
@@pochikochickn24 I’m the same, I’m one week into a break up. But I had another break up before that. I think one of the keys instead of focusing on a better partner, as she suggests, continue healing in between relationships. Then you can have someone, yeah, it will probably end and you’ll be grieving but at least you’re not alone always. And maybe someday if we heal enough.…
Honestly, even with focusing on myself, all areas of my life, hobbies, etc, I still have a very high priority (need?) on romantic relationships. I really wish it wasn't this way.😔
Same, I have my life in order and enjoy it immensely. But I want a partner to share it with. If I go on dates and do as Heidi said, with no goal in mind other than getting to know this person, I still only find ppl that find me replaceable most of the times, so they don't want to date at all or long-term and drift off, even tho all I was "offering" was a portion of my time and space without dropping everything for them. How to get out of this Dilemma and find ppl that are honestly interested without me or them dropping everything else in life for the other person?
As frustrating as it may be to hear, you just have to be patient and keep trying, even after 100 rejections. What you want is out there looking for you too, it just might not be in the places that you're looking. @@yangaaliyah
The exercise about giving up the idea that I will ever have a partner is doable but sad. It makes me feel like I've given up hope, hopeless. I've experienced emotional neglect as a child and that triggers feelings of deep sadness that I'll never truly be loved the way I deserved as a child. It makes me feel like I'm not lovable or unworthy of love. I'm learning to love myself but honestly it's not the same. That exercise can cause severe depression. It feels like giving up and settling for a potentially rewarding and fulfilling life but a sad one that I have to forge alone. Hopeless. I want to heal my trauma and provide for my own needs, but honestly what's wrong with wanting a special partner to share my life with. I have many friends but at the end of the day, they're going home to their own family. So I understand a lot of what you're saying and suggesting but this exercise may not be for everyone as it may lead to severe depression. It is the ability to find peace, joy, happiness and self love in spite of not having a partner, that is the challenge. When you've been abused and told you aren't worthy of love or you're good for nothing and you're not good enough, that life alone is not easy to accept without dealing with all of that emotional stuff. Finding a balance between providing my own needs and voicing needs that are challenging for me to meet is challenging to navigate.
The things we least want to look at often cause liberation after the depression. The depression is real. When you’re down there, call out to your animus, or masculine instinct inside of you, and begin to connect with him. You can literally summon it in a waking imagination and ask him questions. This is part of “shadow work” and it reveals we aren’t so alone. Often the scariest realities, the killing off of our comforting stories, reveals the unconscious mind to us. Try binging Carl Jung shadow work and animus work with the attachment theory stuff and I hope it reignites your soul like it did for me, Carl, his daughter, and the millions of people helped by true Jungian active imagination work. It’s crazy how much less alone we are than we think, and when you realize you’re never alone on your own, the fear of losing another partner won’t debilitate as much. Speaking as someone who relates deeply to your hopelessness and failed search for deeper meaning outside of another.
I have to agree that I am not sure it is the best exercise. I have many friends and have gone after and achieved goals and still enjoy old and new hobbies. However, meeting guy after guy recently who are fearful avoidant is super discouraging. In the past, it was the opposite: the guys were devoted and really into me and I never felt I was really into them. I tried to change and look for more good in people and now I keep dating guys who don't make me feel great bc of their push/pull habits. So really not sure this exercise is a solution. I feel like I need an exercise that helps me meet more men, 😆
I wish I discovered your videos before. This one was so inspiring to me! I broke up with my fearful avoidant girlfriend two days ago telling her that I can't keep on promising her to change while I'm anxious about us. My anxiety pushes me not to sleep well at night, to wake up with a fast heartbeat and not be able to fall asleep again. At last but not least I became codependent 100% of this person and I speak about her and us ALL the time with all the people close to me. I really feel this video has the instructions to correct my behaviours! It's a challenge but at least I know what to work on now. I wish one day I will be able to reconnect with her and try again, now it's not the right moment though.
Same, had difficulty sleeping for a month, was really walking corpse, wife pulled the plug and told that we are breaking up. Same dependancy, that got worse as years went by. I was regulating my happiness trough her. Trying to do anything I can possibly do to make her happy. I was so broken that I did not know how to communicate this problem with her. She clearly was not happy, I was not happy, relationship was doomed to fail. I don't know at what time in our relationship it got so bad, it was so gradual and slow. Had ups and downs, but last year when we bough a house and isolated from everyone, all went downhill very fast. These attachments and childhood traumas that linger with you all your life, I did not knew anything about it. This needs to be tough in the school, so many people could be saved. I am in slow recovery path, to be just myself. godspeed
🤯 I'm an anxious preoccupied and wow this was on point. I really like how she lead with our strengths but explained how we need to develop other skills so to not let those strengths turn into weaknesses. I very much relate to only learning the hard way to be more discerning and more self protective. I definitely was going through life with the openness of a child until traumas forced me to learn to protect myself better.
I think that instead of what you described as an anxiously attached person expecting their partner to tend to their own needs, I experience the people pleasing form of anxious attachment where I’ll try to be everything for them, & fulfill all of their needs in order to be loved & valued. I know as a person that I’m responsible for my own emotions & self-regulation, but the anxiety gets triggered when I feel like I’m not enough for the person or not adding enough value to the relationship which is where I cling on & people please stronger. I do feel like boundaries is still the answer for anxious attachment
well.. wouldnt you consider that a self-sabotage.. as an anxiously attached person, i dont want to be labelled as clingy either.. that’s why we are anxiously attached in the first place sadly… since we hide this aspect of ours and wanna act like we dont have any needs which leads us to think “their needs are my needs” therefore : they are my need and get anxiously attached to them i hope it makes sense but ofc i too in beginning was like EW NO! i would never be clingy and that itself is a huge sign that it was my shadow self 😭 thats why i absolutely HATED clingy ppl
@@Protegida4 ah yea so basically i thought like that too in some way and when i found that person, i did become anxiously attached to them.. so like idk you personally but well my person pushes ppl away apparently when things go downhill and thats what happened, which isn’t his fault but mine as due to me apparently needing him as he is the only one i trust, i was left alone abandoned basically because i never trusted myself that way and never catered myself to any of my needs, i wished if only he came back and i made his needs as mine again that would’ve been better.. basically i think in the end its understandable to want someone else but the truth is bad things happen in life and you cant know how your person will react even if you find them, so basically just need to learn to love yourself and become securely attached rather than anxious cuz also it will even in relationship make you worry or jealous, etc. way more than often which is just bad for both yk.. :/
Omg I'm the exact same, helpppp why are we like this :/ it's like we forget that it might not have ANYTHING to do with us, and we just HAVE to instantly suspect ourselves and blame ourselves if the other person seems "off" in their behaviour.
Hi Heidi! I am so grafetul I found these videos! I have an anxious avoidant attachment style and wow! I am learning so much. ONE video of yours honestly holds the same amount of insight as months of therapy, no joke. So grateful. I can actually bring things back to my therapist to work on and bring more insight into sessions! One piece of (hopefully) constructive criticism, that I humbly offer. I think it is very apparent that you trend Avoidant in your personal life, there is some unexamined bias in how you discuss the anxious style. It is uncanny that you will consistently discuss the ways anxious partners can be cruel, dysregulated and unfair to their partners, but never say the same or point out the mistreatment avoidant types can be guilty of. You often mention the dysregulation and meanness that Anxious people engage in with their avoidant partners, but you never mention the invalidation, and mean dismissive and belittling way avoidant people can be towards anxious partners and how painful that can be. Both types can engage in some truly abusive behaviors, but you only mention the ways anxious partners do this. For example, in this video, you talk about the anxious partner being defenseless, but you don't mention that anxious partners have a tendency of ending up the victims of emotional abuse or neglect as a result of just saying yes to "whatever love they can find". You don't mention that avoidants can be dismissive of feelings in a way that is alienating and unfair, but you never fail to mention the "blows" anxious partners inflict upon avoidant partners. Romantic partnership requires emotional attunement, and avoidants can have the tendency to refuse to engage with emotion to the point that it is actually detrimental. I just think both sides of the anxious/avoidant dichotomy need to hear the way they can act in harmful ways.
LOL at min 13:35! It described exactly the decision I took for myself (without resentment) to just live my life as if "the one perfect match will never come and that's OK too". Wham! 10 days later, out of the blue, I met my actual partner and then became husband further down the way. Mostly has to do so much with our own attitude towards an issue, than anything else coming from around us. Not that my relationship has been milk&honey all the time (it got spoiled with sour pickles too, but we sorted that out along this 15y old path now), but I did become highly aware of my own "tripping over my trycicle tires". One thing more: we must not be so harshly judgemental of ourselves in order to heal. Patience with oneself is a soothing energy to delve into! Thank you for all those practical examples like the "trycicle" or "fence builders" examples. It's so eye-opening 🤩! 🙏🏻
"When things are dicey in your partnership, its one area of your life struggling. When we take that pressure off, its a lot easier for a relationship to thrive." This really describes my relationship with work. I feel like I have to be perfect just to be accepted and if I make any mistake I worry that I will not be accepted anymore. I worry that I will be told to leave. I realize that if I am going to be more regulated while working I need other aspects of my life to look forward to.
Oof, yes! I deal with this push to give it all and be perfect at work too. I think diversifying where you find meaning outside of work will help, like you said. It helps me lately, for sure. Also, maybe you'll relate to this: When my personal coach walked me through mindful practices, I discovered some beliefs about myself. Turns out I attach my value to many external things, one of which is good performance. This is at the core of it for me when small mistakes destabilize my sense of security with my work life. Now I'm trying to re-learn that "I'm valuable regardless." That's it. Such a short statement and so challenging to trust and embed. And of course, the company may decide to let me go at some point, if I don't bring enough or the right type of value to that dynamic. But slowly learning to trust that this work role isn't the only indicator of my value has been game changing. Ironically, I'm performing better at work, though that wasn't the goal 🤭 We got this! All the best on your regulating journey!
You are speaking more slowly in this vid, making you much more comprehensible to your previous vids. Im a Fearful Avoidant who had an Anxious partner I completely failed to understand throughout the relationship, so understanding that Anxious types are wired to seek external regulation and have an all in perspective of relationships makes me understand my ex partner so much better, instead of classifying him as needy, demanding and selfish. Thank you for yet another eye opening video!!!
Thank you for talking about the strengths of anxious attachment style. It actually makes me feel less shameful and more open to it, because it helps me know my strength. Incredibly grateful for this video
- I really appreciated the Fence Analogy with respect to knowing who you are, knowing where you end, where someone else begins and where to place Boundaries.
Problem: NOTHING tickles my fancy like fixating on a partner, but that includes what I MYSELF can do to better the dynamic. We are built for companions. If friends are too much work with not enough payoff, by now, in my 38 years on this earth, I'm not going to find ones who can fulfill me the way a partner can. Either I'm anxious with avoidant tendencies or an FA leaning anxious because I don't have any issues communicating my needs. Perhaps my being an INFJ allows for that "teaching" component as much as learning. I do fixate on others' behaviors more than my own, but I don't feel it's to the detriment of myself. In any case, this was a very interesting perspective. I appreciate it.
This. Blew. Me. Away. YES! This is exactly it. Thank you so much for posting this. I am so happy to finally have this information/breakthrough for myself.
Anxious guy here, dating a kinda avoidant girl. She hasn't texted back in a week, even though last time we met was incredible. We work so well together in person - but this made me nearly break up with her because I was so furious. These videos stopped me from doing that. I am still furious, but I'm practicing meditation and will begin to focus on my life instead. If she wants to be alone, for no reason, then I will let her. I'm not chasing her anymore. Worst case, she just ghosts. We've been dating a year tho, which really fucking aggravates me that she would do this now. But fuck it. I'm done. Will focus on myself now.
@Alex-yh1is You're right! All of us should just think like you do! Sorry, but this is mean behavior! Toxic! and should be addressed as such! After a year of dating, you're going to ghost for an entire week!! Come on! That's entirely toxic! The more mature and secure thing to do in this situation is, say, "Hey, I'm so confused, hurt, and need a good week" (or state your timeline) and I'll get back to you (on this date, or time) to talk to you....stating that you need time and space to process is a mature and secure thing to do...ghosting, not saying anything is low value....but you do you😉 stay blessed everyone🤗
This video just ripped me apart, and I absolutely needed it. I’m paused at 13:34 making a list of who I am. The combo of feeling seen about not knowing who I am /who I’m protecting, and then a tangible way to figure out what the heck to do to start discovering that is amazing. I love this so much & I’m an immediate subscriber off of one video. Hope to see more great content like this with suggestions for exercises to help us find ourselves. Thanks!
Her video on avoidant ripped me apart as well, i went straight to my boyfriend and said i was sorry a million times😢 Cheers to you, and your healing journey!!🎉
Ditto, I've had my mind blown with the way she describes the patterns I've seen in myself and my relationships for years. They're all clicking into place so I can see the bigger picture now. It's wild! 🫶🏼 Also, her video on how to cultivate self trust and be in a more healthy relationship with yourself is great. It lays out some steps to take for practicing skills so we can build better patterns of relating, in my opinion.
Thank you SO much! I recently broke up with my GF of 5 years and discovered just how much being raised in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home shaped my attachment style. I struggled with about 99% of what you talked about in this video, and thanks to you I have more clarity on things. Looking forward to watching the rest of the videos on your channel. All the best!
Co-parenting with my ex-wife has helped me grow this blindspot. She keeps asking and pushing for various things. I have learned to say no when I feel uncomfortable or it doesn't feel right. I stick to the decree and use discernment to determine what choices to make. In these ways, her pressure and requests are a blessing, a gift. I'm learning how to protect myself, my space and my energy. Boundaries are absolutely everything in family life. I go to Al-Anon, which helps me focus on myself, have boundaries and detach from another person's stuff.
I have never heard anyone explain these complex dynamics in clearer terms than you Heidi🙏🏻😊 thank you so much! I am speechless . You change my life deeply 🙏🏻❤️
Been listening and liking these videos for several months now, to gain insight into a troubled relationship. Mostly to learn things about myself and other that may be contributing to these discomforts. Only now commenting to express my gratitude. Love the tricycle analogy. And the one of the infant. The concept of boundaries is a tough one for me. That said, I know who I am, who I am not... but my boundaries are flexible to accommodate the ways of others without judgement. I don't feel as if I have to defend anything, there's just some things my heart isn't into, where I will not go, whilst simultaneously appreciating my partner's differences and agency to be who they are. These videos and the comment section are so insightful, offering a sympathetic, non judgemental window into the psychology of attachment styles. Its so refreshing to have these attachment modes explained without the usual shame, blame and guilt tripping , victim/abuser mentality that so many videos devolve into. And to hear the strengths as well as the weakness of each type, how they formed in childhood explained. It promotes a great deal of empathy, rather tham seeing these others as "the problem" that needs to be "fixed". Thank you! 🌱 Please keep up this valuable work.
This is really, really great, Heidi. So much of what you said about how we have the responsibility and ability to ensure our own sense of psychological safety has never occurred to me before. I don't think I realized before this video how much I've outsourced my sense of wellbeing to other people, and I definitely never made the connection between that and my anxiety. Thank you for posting this.
I hadnt read about attachcment styles before but as i was listening my eyes just widened and everything i am bogged down by was just explained here! I can’t believe all these major anxieties could be summed up in this attachment style. Wow. Thank you God for psychologists and studies like this!
The first ever time I come across content that is not repeating the traits but walking us through details of each step of remedy. You have a big heart. May God bless you with rewards you didn’t take from us. ❤
i disagree with frustration coming from the partner not setting boundaries for us. i get frustrated when i set a boundary but people feel comfortable crossing that boundary just because i am patient and gentle. that breeds resentment over time.
This totally hit home and got me out of my anxiety I’ve been in for the past couple days. Thank you! Being aware is everything. You have no idea how much this helped me. ❤
Watching this 100 times until it sinks in (especially the part about pretending I’ll always be single and how I would craft my life). Thanks as always, Heidi.
Omg, this is amazing content, life changing, really... problems originate from our blind spots. We double down on what we did well but neglect the info from the blind spots- the stuff we need to learn from. The strength for an AP is preoccupation with other people's behavior, learning through love which is not readily available for Dismissives. They go in with their hearts open and ready to love. Need to balance/protect that strength/vulnerability when it's not safe to be in that energy. Secure relatedness requires SELF REGULATION and setting boundaries on a daily basis. Don't let others set our boundaries for us. Unhealthy: why aren't you setting my boundaries for me. Need to communicate boundaries both ways or can get enmeshed. Secure connection requires us to bring a more protected version of ourselves into a relationship. No partner can set boundaries for us who can take away our pain and know what we're thinking and feeling before you do, and respond perfectly to you all the time, we will be stuck in suffering because nobody can do that and a healthy partner won't want to do that. The solution is not to identify your savior but to understand that we need to teach ourselves what we're missing the first time around. Translate the pain we feel into healthy boundaries. Who am I? What matters in life? Where am I going in life. What do I need to protect with my boundaries? Where do you end and the next person begins? How would I design my life if I never meet my person? Go in partially vulnerable and partially protected and be able to discern when to switch between the two. Balance what kind of partner you're looking for with information about what matters to you outside of a partnership. You should have significant deal breakers. Are values and long term goals aligned? Redeem your relationship with yourself. Your partner doesn't need to be perfect.
Heidi, you've been instrumental in regaining mental health during my attachment healing and break up healing process. I can't thank you enough. Thank you for helping me become a better person.
Heidi! This is BRILLIANT!! Thank you! And I actually intuitively did this exercise after my last break up. I decided that I might be single forever and that was okay. And NOW, how do I want to live my life? Well, I’m buying a house and lo and behold, I met someone at a local establishment and we’ll see where it goes from there. But I’m not surrendering my new found life for anyone! 💕 But your words are exactly what I needed to hear. I’m FA so I need to find that video. Thank you again for how clearly you explain your insights!
I over-corrected in a major way after an ex told me I wasn't emotionally vulnerable and made myself extremely emotionally vulnerable. I've struggled with defining my wants and goals my whole life and am still struggling to figure them out, but it's encouraging to hear I'm on the right path.
Youre insane for this because I always always think about this now!!!! "Have a life outside my partner to be able to self regulate" 😢 I needed this because I wanted my partners to help me regulate which is not healthy. I agree so much now, I need to have my own life for this to happen
@@dannydiablo. meditation, journaling about feelings, have some hobbies that u know u will go back to. Feeling your thru emotions first, sit with it for 5 minutes then do everything else
Amazing Heidi, really. It's like you're inside my head reading my thoughts. So much compassion and learning here. I feel like the blinkers are finally off. Thank you so much 💓
omg, Heidi, what you said about this blindspot is so strikingly correct !! you are so sharp in pointing this out, I have been reading and watching a lot of other resource about Attachment style, only you able to point this vital blindspot of anxious attachment. Thank you so much and I really hope more people able to come across your video, it really save a lot of people life.
….what if you find focusing on yourself crazy boring? I’m 43. I’ve chased all the dreams, had literally all the hobbies. I wanted kids and a husband - focusing on myself as single for life just sounds incredibly boring and unfulfilling to me.
I think the exercise is not supposed to be the map for the future. It is a way to know what you like without glueing yourself to your future partner in unhealthy ways. If you know how you might enjoy life on your own, you can seek a partner who is interested in many of the same things or someone who can do their own thing while you do yours. I. Way of preventing enmeshment. Lean over and look in that blind spot! ❤
I have never thought of this consciously. But you just put into words, why I have not done this. My dream, for life, has allways been to have a husband, lots of kids and animals. Now I am 48, living alone with my one kid, (no dad around) I wish I had done that work earlier on. Now I am living that work and it is to late to get to my dreams.. 😔
@molly Why is it too late? The only reason I can see is because you believe it is? You have plenty of life left to meet your husband, adopt/foster kids and have some animals. I see fulfillment as possible for you! 🙏🏼
I'm watching this video again a year after I encountered it. It's been hard to see any growth but watching this video again, I am proud to say I have come a long way. Of course much more lies ahead. Thank you Heidi
In a narcissistic relationship where boundaries are not accepted, it doesnt matter if you are the "bigger person", you cannot change the way the other person sees you, so beeing vulnerable doesnt mean anything... So choose people wisely people
Wow! wow! wow! Hands down honestly one of the best teachings/advice/wisdom I’ve heard. I really need this and I’m so grateful to God for finding this channel and I’m grateful for your counsel. Thank you
Hi Heidi, listenning to you, I realize I usually do make my partner responsible for my need and protection like I'm a clueless and vulnerable little thing. In my case, that's because I'm in limerence when that happens so I have this idealized version of my partner that will guide me through love and help me get better and authentic. I have only ever had one romantic relationship where I was actually dating the real person and I was able to enforce my boundaries just fine. It felt awesome and uncomfortable at the same time. It ended really quickly too and I felt really guilty about it as I thought I was being too ''intolerant''. Thinking back about it, she was being limerent as hell, and I wasn't feeling seen at all in the relationship as I could feel our interactions were just food for her fantasies so it was the right thing to call it quits. Again thanks for bringing clarity to my life. You are helping me processing so many lies and blindspots. I'm grateful to you and I love you ❤
I've found myself exactly in the hypothetical situation from the video: all of a sudden, it's a pretty safe bet that I will never find a (high-quality) partner again. I struggled for a while to accept this realization, but unfortunately the more i accept it, the less will to live I still have. What's the point? I don't have any family or close friends, and i don't, can't care about the rat race aka career. What's the point of it all when there is not a soul to share your life with. I'm increasingly thinking about euthanasia. After being so alone for so long (basically my entire life except when i did, in fact, have a high-quality partner - which i was stupid enough to lose because we were in our early 20s and i had what seemed like a life-changing career move), I just fail to see why stick around if all that remains is even more loneliness and the irritation of unfulfilling, shallow, inevitable interactions with acquaintances and such. Also, we seem to be going through The Revenge of the Avoidants era in the attachment community. Early on, in the days of Attached the book, it was mainstream to bash on avoidants. Now, it seems to be the norm to argue that one is supposed to have a meaningful and fulfilling life even if they don't have a partner. And sure, there are some people who can do this. I agree that avoidants tend to do just fine without a close relationship, much like a color-blind person in a color-blind community doesn't miss red and green. But the rest of us are hardwired to need an attachment figure. One can sort of get away with being single and still happy if they have a lot of supportive family (let's be real, very few of us have platonic friends who cross into family territory the way a partner does). But if you have no family, the essential sense of security, meaning, connection is going to be rather elusive. What's the point to live when there isn't anyone to live for, who also lives for you.
Jesus died for you and lives for you too; once you are secure in your identity with God, you become content with being alone but then once your content with being alone, you most likely will find a good partner to share that with. Psalms 37:4 4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Coming out of a relationship (while attending regularly to therapy) I actually hit many of the right marks, but that question of "how would I design my life if finding 'love of my life' was guaranteed failure" (paraphrasing ofc) was a shocker and put me into really thinking, thanks!
We should decide it's time to finally grow up and look after ourselves the best we can. There's no savior coming. Everyone is busy with their own stuff so much so they don't even notice or care if you're depressed and need a kind word ( it happened after I lost a pet, partly it was my fault and the guilt was crushing me during months. I never got any empathy ) so it's up to us to pick ourselves up because we matter, our wellbeing matters and the warmth in our hearts matters ooh, sooo much! 💖😘
Heidi, you have made such an immense impact on my life. For 32 years being anxious, around maybe like 7 years discovering and healing this pattern bit by bit, but not quite yet. Until very recently when I also asked myself a question “What would I do with my life if I knew I was never going to meet a partner”. And now with this video you just made it sink in so heavy, it made me teary. Thank you so much for the work you are doing!
You are amazing, Heidi. Really. The first time I hear someone talking about this in a way that is actually clear and with a really caring approach. I felt I could finally understand myself and see my mistakes so clearly. This is going to change my life. Thank you!
You have such a talent at explaining things! The ability to use simple analogies to break down complex subjects is INSANE. Thank you so much, I am learning a lot form you.
This helps me appreciate my therapist because these are all concepts she has helped me with even before I understood attachment theory. She knew what I needed and met me where I was and helped teach me how to be my own protector. One concept that really hit home for me was learning how to "be a container" and "define my edges", those are the terms we used. It helped me so much and I see the parallels with your comments on building a fence and defining my land. The container metaphor helped me also understand how to be a container for others, how to be a safe space where someone can exist without fear. If my edges are secure and fixed, they don't have to worry about accidently bending them and they can be more free to be themselves. That's true safety. I work with kids in crisis now and I use these lessons everyday. Not only have a learned to feel safe in my own body even when someone else feels unsafe, I feel even more myself because I know what strengths I have. This theory has been such a help for me. Your content truly hits home.
Oh man, this video was humbling. I have never put words to my behavior before, but this absolutely nailed it. Thank you, Heidi, for helping me figure out the first few steps in working on my attachment style!!
I rarely write comments on UA-cam but I just wanted to say how incredibly informative, easy to understand and beneficial this was for me. It's really changed the way I think about my relationships with others and myself, and I now feel I have the confidence to do what I need to do to feel regulated and secure. Thank you so much!
I've watched many videos on anxious attachment styles and you're the one person I've seen that really really explains this in the best way possible. I really learned and understood everything, thank you! 🙏
"I'm going to live the rest of my life without a romantic relationship" Wow, that idea hit me like a sack of bricks. Heidi, I've been watching your videos for a while and I think this video is is the clearest, most useful piece of information an anxiously attached person can sit with. When you live so exclusively vulnerable, it's extremely hard to learn how to stop especially because we hear from others how important it is to be vulnerable in a relationship. The idea of protecting ourselves and preparing a boundaried life that is extrinsic from a romantic relationship can feel sad at first, like we're closing off, giving up on love, etc. I'm struggling with that now, for sure. Hearing why that is important and what it allows us to do, that it *is* okay and *is* the right thing to do in equal measure, is so good and makes me feel safer going into this process.
I didn't expect a new burst of Heidi content in my life but boom it's here and it's an excellent bonus to my life. Another excellently persuasive argument and super useful insight
Heidi.....Your videos are so helpful. It is also refreshing to listen to someone who can talk without using cuss words. That's becoming rare so thank you!
All I know is, I m blessed to have been broken, because it brought me to these videos. I couldn’t ask for a more beautiful delivery system of some life changing information 💘
I’ve learned so much more in a few days of watching your videos than I have in the last several months and years of failed relationships. I thought more about how toxic relationships have been and trying to avoid them vs paying attention to my own behaviors. Had I seen these videos a year ago, it could have helped me better to communicate to my ex about expressing our boundaries and understanding each other’s feelings in a healthy way.
I hope you know how many of us you're helping to heal, Heidi! Thank you thank you! Just wow! 👏🏻 Listening to this again now that I'm more receptive to it and... 🤯
The fear of separation overrides any need for boundaries for me.
@Rr128t
same
That was me. I came to a situation in 2019 where I ended up separated from everyone I was attached to except my therapist and 8hrs/wk volunteer workplace. It wasn't my choice but where Self confidence grew because I realized I am safe with myself after a year. Took that long to stop degrading myself as hopeless...there is one year of hard evidence I could survive alone with 2 relationships to care for me and one really didn't, only to the extent they needed my time & skills & I can stop anytime.
Last yr another female volunteer came, I am allowing myself to build a friendship with her without being needy or attached. It's slow because I want to attach but now I know it's not helpful to myself. Lotsa emotions idk how to deal with that seem scary and serious. Yet I feel myself on the verge of excitement because if I figure this out, imma be better n closer to healed💫 We are the one to heal ourselves. We are a complete package-nothing needed from outside of ourselves, really. We are powerful awesome energy regulation beings of Light♾️
Knowledge of Self✨️
Self-Care⛑️
Self-Love❤️
Courage✊🏾
Same !
I refuse to let my anxious attachment push anyone else away, I'm determined to make a change.
Good for you! I believe in you!
How's it going ? How did you improve?
I’m right there with you… right now. Going to through a period of “I need time and space” with my long term partner. Unfortunately, I pushed her away succumbing to a sustained period of stress with life issues outside our relationship. I became too problematic and demanding. Her avoidance just triggered me more…
So I accepted the situation and I am working hard on myself to make myself the best version of me that I can be at this point. Giving myself compassion and strategies… reducing the life stresses and giving her the time she needs to relax, heal and make the best decision about what she wants and needs.
It’s hard but I am enjoying the healing process and feeling much better in myself.
Me too, I’m currently working on it with my girlfriend, I’m trying to learn to appreciate our time alone so that when we’re together it’s a lot more precious. I think kind of adopting that mindset made my anxiety attachments a little better in the right step
This woman is doing way more work for me than my paid psychologist does 🤣. So grateful for her videos.
Same ❤
I feel the same way😂
Amen!
She's taking money out of their pockets - for free 😂
I came on UA-cam to have a good time, and you know what I got instead? CALLED OUT! This video just helped me not only identify my blindspots but what I can do to strengthen those areas I've been neglecting. 🤯
"preoccupation with other peoples behavior" FUCK thats me damn!
I find myself there OFTEN. When I catch myself, I shake it off, forgive myself for going off track lil bit n ask myself what was my goal that lead me to think of them & start over 😆 Coachong/Refereeing my own mind-games🤪
Yes that was a banger we should learn to give people grace as long as our well being is not affected
I can’t believe your videos are free. This has been more informative than the past 15 years of therapy. Thank you so much!
Ditto.
True
Amen
Very true!
Same
That sentence: ‘how would you design your life if I’m going to live my life without a romantic relationship” hits DEEP. I’m a secure leaning anxious but I realized I have been a serial monogamist and never actually think about life ALL by myself.
same. im honestly so lost because teenage me was so independent haha. i would've never imagined myself being the type of person who got so lost in my partner, but here we are. its okay though. we can always keep getting back up. this time ill make sure i protect myself too
@@seignee hyper independence IS the same as getting lost in relationships. Those two things are both a fear of setting boundaries, daring to rely on someone else, a fear of communicating your needs. It’s a type of splitting, whereby a partner either becomes your solution to all the love and attention u didn’t receive in the past OR a threat due to how badly you want that love and attention. Because you have an obese or annorexic mindset about connections, it’s an inability to find balance and exist in a healthy middle, where you let yourself receive healing care and support WHILE also being able to stay tuned into what you need and not become overly focused on the other person.
Yeah, I burst into tears.
Same! I was like "What the hell is living for if I can't love someone?"
Yiiiikes
And this is coming from me who has hobbies, friends, and a business.
Extremely helpful exercise and what I was never taught, until now! Thank you so very much!
Of course, designing a life without a potential partner in mind requires self worth and identifying values, goals and personal preferences. This is very difficult when coming from a background of severe child neglect and abuse (hence anxious attachment).
Notes from this video:
I. Strengths of Anxious Attachment Style: Embracing Openness and Vulnerability
A. Anxious attachment promotes exploring new experiences in love and relationships.
B. Vulnerability fosters deeper connections with partners through sharing feelings and emotions.
C. Openness facilitates personal growth and enhanced understanding of oneself and others.
D. Anxious individuals exhibit empathy and understanding, making them excellent listeners and supportive partners.
II. Challenges: Developing Self-Protection and Boundaries
A. Anxious attachment types might find boundary setting challenging, making it hard to assert themselves.
B. Insufficient self-protection heightens vulnerability to harm or exploitation.
C. Struggling with boundaries can lead to unhealthy relationships with undervalued needs and feelings.
D. Constantly trying to please others and avoid conflict can cause overwhelm and stress.
E. Cultivating healthy boundaries is essential for creating stronger, balanced relationships and preventing emotional harm.
III. Managing Anger and Expectations in Relationships
A. Anxious attachment types may feel anger due to dependence on partners for boundary setting, rather than taking responsibility for their needs and feelings.
B. Disappointment can arise when partners don't meet expectations or fulfill needs, leading to anger.
C. Anxious individuals might not directly express anger, resulting in passive-aggressive behavior or unresolved conflicts.
D. Acknowledging and addressing anger, as well as taking responsibility for boundaries and expectations, can enhance communication and foster healthier relationships.
IV. Observing Partner's Behavior and Detecting Red Flags
A. Anxious attachment types attentively monitor partner's behavior to identify potential issues and avoid repeating past relationship mistakes.
B. Promptly recognizing issues can encourage better communication and problem-solving.
C. Continuously searching for red flags might induce unnecessary stress and anxiety due to worrying about non-existent problems.
D. Balancing awareness of partner's behavior and not excessively focusing on potential issues is crucial.
E. Establishing trust and open communication can result in more secure and stable relationships.
V. Attaining Balance: Vulnerability, Self-Regulation, and Personal Boundaries
A. Balanced and connected relationships necessitate combining openness and vulnerability with personal boundaries and self-regulation.
B. Self-regulation helps anxious individuals manage emotions and reactions, maintaining stability in relationships.
C. Establishing personal boundaries involves clear communication of needs, limits, and expectations, promoting healthier and balanced relationships.
D. Harmonizing vulnerability with self-regulation and personal boundaries enables emotional openness while safeguarding oneself from potential harm.
E. Enhancing these skills can assist anxious attachment types in developing stronger, more secure relationships based on trust, mutual respect, and emotional support.
You're the best! Thank you.
Thank you for anticipating my needs and meeting them! lol
Thank you for this!
I only recently found someone that I was comfortable sharing in a completely open and honest manner! The universe must have decided that I had suffered enough! It was a fluke. Can you imagine such a thing happening? 😊😊
I copied these notes down. Thank you so much for writing these and sharing.
Palaniyapan, Girri Palaniyapan, •, 1 mo ago, Notes from this video:
I. Strengths of Anxious Attachment Style: Embracing Openness and Vulnerability
A. Anxious attachment promotes exploring new experiences in love and relationships.
B. Vulnerability fosters deeper connections with partners through sharing feelings and emotions.
C. Openness facilitates personal growth and enhanced understanding of oneself and others.
D. Anxious individuals exhibit empathy and understanding, making them excellent listeners and supportive partners.
II. Challenges: Developing Self-Protection and Boundaries
A. Anxious attachment types might find boundary setting challenging, making it hard to assert themselves.
B. Insufficient self-protection heightens vulnerability to harm or exploitation.
C. Struggling with boundaries can lead to unhealthy relationships with undervalued needs and feelings.
D. Constantly trying to please others and avoid conflict can cause overwhelm and stress.
E. Cultivating healthy boundaries is essential for creating stronger, balanced relationships and preventing emotional harm.
III. Managing Anger and Expectations in Relationships
A. Anxious attachment types may feel anger due to dependence on partners for boundary setting, rather than taking responsibility for their needs and feelings.
B. Disappointment can arise when partners don't meet expectations or fulfill needs, leading to anger.
C. Anxious individuals might not directly express anger, resulting in passive-aggressive behavior or unresolved conflicts.
D. Acknowledging and addressing anger, as well as taking responsibility for boundaries and expectations, can enhance communication and foster healthier relationships.
IV. Observing Partner's Behavior and Detecting Red Flags
A. Anxious attachment types attentively monitor partner's behavior to identify potential issues and avoid repeating past relationship mistakes.
B. Promptly recognizing issues can encourage better communication and problem-solving.
C. Continuously searching for red flags might induce unnecessary stress and anxiety due to worrying about non-existent problems.
D. Balancing awareness of partner's behavior and not excessively focusing on potential issues is crucial.
E. Establishing trust and open communication can result in more secure and stable relationships.
V. Attaining Balance: Vulnerability, Self-Regulation, and Personal Boundaries
A. Balanced and connected relationships necessitate combining openness and vulnerability with personal boundaries and self-regulation.
B. Self-regulation helps anxious individuals manage emotions and reactions, maintaining stability in relationships.
C. Establishing personal boundaries involves clear communication of needs, limits, and expectations, promoting healthier and balanced relationships.
D. Harmonizing vulnerability with self-regulation and personal boundaries enables emotional openness while safeguarding oneself from potential harm.
E. Enhancing these skills can assist anxious attachment types in developing stronger, more secure relationships based on trust, mutual respect, and emotional support., 83 likes, View 4 total replies 4
I'm a secure person married 20 years to a classical avoidant. I have to say - it utterly destroys your mental health. My wife is an otherwise amazing human being, but how can you stay healthy when romanticaly attached to someone who never opens up, never takes risks, never show their needs or ask for anything, never iniciate or offer anything? I feel like I'm a dog married to a cat. Worst thing about avoidants is that in the beginning of the relationship they're the ones running after you, so you get the illusion that you found a very warm person. But as soon as they get confortable around you, it's over.
Man i feel for you. In a way its encouraging to me to read this because my ex is an avoidant. We been together 4 years and i went from secure to anxious in the end. I miss her she was a wonderfull person. But far from the women she was in the begining.
🎯 so accurate
2 and 1/2 years then cold af, like I never existed. Was always supportive, patient, and caring. In the end, I literally could not deal with the broken promises and lack of emotional intimacy as well as lack of sexual intimacy. I understand her plight and have so much empathy for her, but after the breakup, I'm treated less than garbage.
And they value fairness, most of all. W t f
46 years of that, and I finally said goodbye. I decided to stop wasting my years waiting for change. I'm now with a secure partner, and I'm learning to be with her.
You just described my 9 year marriage. Now we are getting a divorce.
You got to remind yourself they love you. I know it’s hard to not hear the words I love you but they truly deep down love you. It’s because as an avoidant we never were taught how to show and express love. We might not be communicative like other attachments but we let it known by nonverbal communication.
This makes so much sense. I have never heard anyone explain it so clearly. I have a lot of work to do.
Anxious and secure individuals may need to learn to let avoidant partners face their own consequences and move on. It's not beneficial to maintain a relationship with someone who consistently avoids issues, refuses to take responsibility, and undermines your self-worth. Letting avoidants pair up might be best, so they can experience their own avoidance firsthand.
There won’t be enough chemistry or drama to sustain an avoidant pairing because neither will put the required effort in. Two avoidants attempting a romantic interest will soon end up as platonic friends or drift apart entirely. They would basically remind each other of the parents who made them dismissive avoidant.
@@JohnReid-h1c It depends. I think the pathological avoidant may still fear rejection from you, especially if they have to be in your life. So it creates a push pull. Ignore them, they try to get a little closer. Pay some attention, they run away. Like a cat. The pathological type of avoidant feels vulnerable, mostly afraid you will expose them (always looking over their shoulder), especially if they ended the relationship with bad behavior. It must be miserable being them. Many haven’t moved on - they have failed to process their emotions and sometimes even have a buried, lingering attachment. I understand that there are avoidants that are less or not pathological, but it’s still trauma-induced behavior in my opinion. I’ve realized I’ve oscillated between a secure and anxious attachment all my life. I’ve had to learn that not everyone wants to resolve issues before they go to bed. Some apparently like going to bed angry with unresolved issues and then try to take the world down with them when they can’t bottle it anymore. It’s hard when you loved someone (and built a life with them) but in the end, they did everything they can in attempt to destroy you and your character. It’s hard on everyone, sure, but it’s also extremely self-destructive. I don’t think this is a healthy way to move on or have true happiness.
@@JohnReid-h1c The type of behavior you describe: blaming, courting, and setting up a replacement is narcissistic behavior. I’m not saying that all avoidants are narcissists, because they certainly aren’t. But when someone does their best to destroy your life as they leave, that’s when it’s a disorder. I believe avoidance is caused by a varying degree of trauma/CPTSD, and when the CPTSD is severe enough where one can’t introspect and deal with their shame, that’s when they become toxic and have pathological behavior.
finally a simple and actionable answer to how to fix anxious attachment! Let’s all build a life that makes us happy 😊
I want to share a fun observation I made today. So I am anxious guy, dating an avoidant lady. We are both 33 years old.
Today we had a very interesting discourse in an attempt to establish effective communication. We talked about her refusal on some proposals to meetings that I made, and how did I feel about those refusals.
Here is the part that I find interesting. She asked me if I felt offended by her refusal. I said, almost immediately: offended? Nooo! I felt rejected and lonely.
It is funny that she would interpret cancelling as offensive (they did something wrong), while I interpreted as rejectfull (there is something wrong with me). Knowing something about attachment theory, this is absolutely predictable.
Dude. I felt the same way as you. Been dating an avoidant lady as well. Often times i feel that our way of perceiving actions is just two different worlds.
"offended? Nooo! I felt rejected and lonely"
Feeling rejected and lonely by external stimuli, ie another individual, is literally being 'offended', though.
Love, J
Offend is - “To hurt the feelings of; to displease; to make angry; to insult.”
Reject is - “To refuse to accept.”
I might be totally wrong about the OPs experience but here is how read that.
Both are hurt feels…but to me they are different. She didn’t attempt to anger him, insult him…the assault originating from an external force.
He might have perceived a lack of connection, maybe questioned self-worth, was open to making different offers to be more acceptable. The assault originating from an international assault.
@@JonasAnandaKristiansson I am not a native English speaker, but the way I understand the word offended is that the other side did something rude, or harsh or unfair. There is a "how dare you" element on that. Maybe a feeling that they should even apologise.
The feeling I am experiencing as rejection is different. There is no blame on the other side. Just questioning of my own self worth. A sense that I am not good enough. The blame goes to me, not to the other side. Typical sign for anxious folks.
This is the difference that I want to point out.
Lol…INTERNAL source. 😂
I love being dyslexic. Makes laugh.
I've been learning that a boundary that I'd overlooked is that I really need to learn to hold my tongue and read the room. I'm so desperate to impress the people I like that I'll suck all the air out of a conversations going on lectures and extremely personal confessions tens of minutes long. Hell, just now I typed up a giant wall of text explaining the details of my latest anxious fiasco before I remembered that I don't know any of you guys and you don't need to know the details of my personal life.
Anyway, good video as always, Heidi. Glad to hear I'm on the right track.
This video is absolutely amazing Heidi! I guess it’s just missing one thing. Usually anxious attached people are doing well in life a lone and know what they want and have a bunch of things that make them happy. But once they get into a romantic relationship, their anxious attachment takes place, and they lose a little sense of themselves (even knowing from the heart who they are). But again thank you for this videos, just discovered you channel and I’m like 😮
These 20 minutes are worth more then entire books and 1000s of hours of attachment courses, I feel like. Shockingly deep and valuable. The information also hits very deep. Thank you a lot. I am very thankful that you came back to make content! Edit: I would totally pay for a longer e/book-version of this by the way...
This makes a lot of sense. Thankyou. I start out relationships as secure but tend to fall on anxious after a while and it triggers the avoidant side of who I'm dating.
When you realize you fucked up a good thing bc you are anxiously attached and didn’t know. All I can do is focus on myself and fix my issues. I can’t bring the past into the future
I'm in that boat right now and it's terrible. I only recently started looking at videos like this one and it's been eye-opening. When I saw the "10 signs you might have anxious attachment" video it was like watching a distilled summary of my life. I really wish I had found this information in the past. It would've saved me so much suffering. I guess that starting to learn now is better than never learning though.
As a fearful-avoidant who hasn't been in a relationship for a while and knows very well I lean anxious the moment I get into some more intimate situations, I want to publicly admit - yes, I want to be saved. I want someone to take care of me, I want to not be responsible for stuff and lean on people. At some moments and some mindsets. I caught myself the other day thinking along the lines of just that, and this is part of the other point you mentioned - praying others not to be toxic, because I suddenly forget I have autonomy and am capable of defending myself. The fear of others stepping on me is something more along the fearful-avoidant side, of course, so I can't wait for that video. But besides that, the purely anxious side of things is very present in me these past few days and it's great to have it articulated.
By the way this is why I like IFS and similar theories that claim we are made up of personalities. I am not always like that, I have proved to myself that at some moments I can act like a secure person, and more importantly, think like one. However, the moment there's a triggering intimate situation plus some outside stress has piled up, I suddenly get into the anxiously attached personality and become resentful that others don't take care of me. I literally watch myself as I start thinking this way. As if some switch has been turned on and I'm made into a different person.
@@mequable I noticed that hormones contribute to this. There are times in my cycle where I feel the need to be taken care of and crave the attention of a man and other times not. There is an element of evolutionary biology to this that psychological cognitive theory doesn’t consider. Sometimes it’s human to feel the inclination to nurture or care for the other or need care from the other person….. but overall she’s right. About being self protective and vulnerable at the same time. I heard someone say that one must stand in your power while still being vulnerable and open-hearted. This is delicate balance and skill.
I didn’t know the part that you wish someone would take care of you. Is a part of this. Thank you. Now i know.
Whoa!! Thanks for sharing the thoughts on "wanting to be saved sometimes" I can relate. It's pretty embarrassing in middle school through college I would daydream about being an adult and my boyfriend/husband saving me and caring about me. It wasn't until my mid 20s i realized how messed up that was. I needed to be okay on my own 2 feet so to speak.
The Einstein quote is that no problem can be resolved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Since my breakup with my fiancé last Monday I’ve been binge watching attachment style theories and learning more and more about where I fall. And to be honest this is one of the best videos I’ve come across. I’ve always fallen into the pit of identifying my partners red flags soon after a failed relationship. Of course it doesn’t mean that I didn’t evaluate myself and what I did wrong but I was so focused on the other person, this individual that is/was no longer in my life that I failed to spend all of that valuable time focusing on my blind spots. This was so very helpful and has provided me with the perspective that I need to do better myself.
How do you find you’ve healed over the last 6 months? I’m in the same position
Same question as nick, how have you healed since? (If you don't mind me asking) My ex-fiance broke up with me right before the holidays last year. I'm still struggling. Hoping there is light at the end of things
@@pochikochickn24 I’m the same, I’m one week into a break up. But I had another break up before that. I think one of the keys instead of focusing on a better partner, as she suggests, continue healing in between relationships. Then you can have someone, yeah, it will probably end and you’ll be grieving but at least you’re not alone always. And maybe someday if we heal enough.…
Honestly, even with focusing on myself, all areas of my life, hobbies, etc, I still have a very high priority (need?) on romantic relationships. I really wish it wasn't this way.😔
Same. I have a full life but desire a partner to share my life with. I'm struggling with why this is wrong?
Same here! Once I get into a relationship I lose my self again 😑
I really do not:( how can i find hobbies and things to get passionate about?
Same, I have my life in order and enjoy it immensely. But I want a partner to share it with. If I go on dates and do as Heidi said, with no goal in mind other than getting to know this person, I still only find ppl that find me replaceable most of the times, so they don't want to date at all or long-term and drift off, even tho all I was "offering" was a portion of my time and space without dropping everything for them. How to get out of this Dilemma and find ppl that are honestly interested without me or them dropping everything else in life for the other person?
As frustrating as it may be to hear, you just have to be patient and keep trying, even after 100 rejections. What you want is out there looking for you too, it just might not be in the places that you're looking. @@yangaaliyah
The exercise about giving up the idea that I will ever have a partner is doable but sad. It makes me feel like I've given up hope, hopeless. I've experienced emotional neglect as a child and that triggers feelings of deep sadness that I'll never truly be loved the way I deserved as a child. It makes me feel like I'm not lovable or unworthy of love. I'm learning to love myself but honestly it's not the same. That exercise can cause severe depression. It feels like giving up and settling for a potentially rewarding and fulfilling life but a sad one that I have to forge alone. Hopeless. I want to heal my trauma and provide for my own needs, but honestly what's wrong with wanting a special partner to share my life with. I have many friends but at the end of the day, they're going home to their own family. So I understand a lot of what you're saying and suggesting but this exercise may not be for everyone as it may lead to severe depression. It is the ability to find peace, joy, happiness and self love in spite of not having a partner, that is the challenge. When you've been abused and told you aren't worthy of love or you're good for nothing and you're not good enough, that life alone is not easy to accept without dealing with all of that emotional stuff. Finding a balance between providing my own needs and voicing needs that are challenging for me to meet is challenging to navigate.
It's very hard and saddening indeed. Thank you for writing this here 🤗 Wishing you well.
The things we least want to look at often cause liberation after the depression. The depression is real. When you’re down there, call out to your animus, or masculine instinct inside of you, and begin to connect with him. You can literally summon it in a waking imagination and ask him questions. This is part of “shadow work” and it reveals we aren’t so alone. Often the scariest realities, the killing off of our comforting stories, reveals the unconscious mind to us. Try binging Carl Jung shadow work and animus work with the attachment theory stuff and I hope it reignites your soul like it did for me, Carl, his daughter, and the millions of people helped by true Jungian active imagination work. It’s crazy how much less alone we are than we think, and when you realize you’re never alone on your own, the fear of losing another partner won’t debilitate as much. Speaking as someone who relates deeply to your hopelessness and failed search for deeper meaning outside of another.
I have to agree that I am not sure it is the best exercise. I have many friends and have gone after and achieved goals and still enjoy old and new hobbies. However, meeting guy after guy recently who are fearful avoidant is super discouraging. In the past, it was the opposite: the guys were devoted and really into me and I never felt I was really into them. I tried to change and look for more good in people and now I keep dating guys who don't make me feel great bc of their push/pull habits. So really not sure this exercise is a solution. I feel like I need an exercise that helps me meet more men, 😆
I wish I discovered your videos before. This one was so inspiring to me! I broke up with my fearful avoidant girlfriend two days ago telling her that I can't keep on promising her to change while I'm anxious about us. My anxiety pushes me not to sleep well at night, to wake up with a fast heartbeat and not be able to fall asleep again. At last but not least I became codependent 100% of this person and I speak about her and us ALL the time with all the people close to me. I really feel this video has the instructions to correct my behaviours! It's a challenge but at least I know what to work on now. I wish one day I will be able to reconnect with her and try again, now it's not the right moment though.
Same, had difficulty sleeping for a month, was really walking corpse, wife pulled the plug and told that we are breaking up.
Same dependancy, that got worse as years went by.
I was regulating my happiness trough her. Trying to do anything I can possibly do to make her happy.
I was so broken that I did not know how to communicate this problem with her.
She clearly was not happy, I was not happy, relationship was doomed to fail.
I don't know at what time in our relationship it got so bad, it was so gradual and slow.
Had ups and downs, but last year when we bough a house and isolated from everyone, all went downhill very fast.
These attachments and childhood traumas that linger with you all your life, I did not knew anything about it.
This needs to be tough in the school, so many people could be saved.
I am in slow recovery path, to be just myself.
godspeed
🤯 I'm an anxious preoccupied and wow this was on point. I really like how she lead with our strengths but explained how we need to develop other skills so to not let those strengths turn into weaknesses.
I very much relate to only learning the hard way to be more discerning and more self protective. I definitely was going through life with the openness of a child until traumas forced me to learn to protect myself better.
I think that instead of what you described as an anxiously attached person expecting their partner to tend to their own needs, I experience the people pleasing form of anxious attachment where I’ll try to be everything for them, & fulfill all of their needs in order to be loved & valued.
I know as a person that I’m responsible for my own emotions & self-regulation, but the anxiety gets triggered when I feel like I’m not enough for the person or not adding enough value to the relationship which is where I cling on & people please stronger.
I do feel like boundaries is still the answer for anxious attachment
I disagree, I think learning more and seeing the situation clearly will allow for more growth 📈
well.. wouldnt you consider that a self-sabotage..
as an anxiously attached person, i dont want to be labelled as clingy either.. that’s why we are anxiously attached in the first place sadly…
since we hide this aspect of ours and wanna act like we dont have any needs which leads us to think “their needs are my needs” therefore :
they are my need
and get anxiously attached to them
i hope it makes sense but ofc i too in beginning was like EW NO! i would never be clingy
and that itself is a huge sign that it was my shadow self 😭 thats why i absolutely HATED clingy ppl
@@Protegida4 ah yea so basically i thought like that too in some way and when i found that person, i did become anxiously attached to them.. so like idk you personally but well my person pushes ppl away apparently when things go downhill and thats what happened, which isn’t his fault but mine as due to me apparently needing him as he is the only one i trust, i was left alone abandoned basically
because i never trusted myself that way and never catered myself to any of my needs, i wished if only he came back and i made his needs as mine again that would’ve been better.. basically i think in the end its understandable to want someone else but the truth is bad things happen in life and you cant know how your person will react even if you find them, so basically just need to learn to love yourself and become securely attached rather than anxious cuz also it will even in relationship make you worry or jealous, etc. way more than often which is just bad for both yk.. :/
Omg I'm the exact same, helpppp why are we like this :/ it's like we forget that it might not have ANYTHING to do with us, and we just HAVE to instantly suspect ourselves and blame ourselves if the other person seems "off" in their behaviour.
Hi Heidi! I am so grafetul I found these videos! I have an anxious avoidant attachment style and wow! I am learning so much. ONE video of yours honestly holds the same amount of insight as months of therapy, no joke. So grateful. I can actually bring things back to my therapist to work on and bring more insight into sessions! One piece of (hopefully) constructive criticism, that I humbly offer. I think it is very apparent that you trend Avoidant in your personal life, there is some unexamined bias in how you discuss the anxious style. It is uncanny that you will consistently discuss the ways anxious partners can be cruel, dysregulated and unfair to their partners, but never say the same or point out the mistreatment avoidant types can be guilty of. You often mention the dysregulation and meanness that Anxious people engage in with their avoidant partners, but you never mention the invalidation, and mean dismissive and belittling way avoidant people can be towards anxious partners and how painful that can be. Both types can engage in some truly abusive behaviors, but you only mention the ways anxious partners do this. For example, in this video, you talk about the anxious partner being defenseless, but you don't mention that anxious partners have a tendency of ending up the victims of emotional abuse or neglect as a result of just saying yes to "whatever love they can find". You don't mention that avoidants can be dismissive of feelings in a way that is alienating and unfair, but you never fail to mention the "blows" anxious partners inflict upon avoidant partners. Romantic partnership requires emotional attunement, and avoidants can have the tendency to refuse to engage with emotion to the point that it is actually detrimental. I just think both sides of the anxious/avoidant dichotomy need to hear the way they can act in harmful ways.
LOL at min 13:35! It described exactly the decision I took for myself (without resentment) to just live my life as if "the one perfect match will never come and that's OK too".
Wham! 10 days later, out of the blue, I met my actual partner and then became husband further down the way.
Mostly has to do so much with our own attitude towards an issue, than anything else coming from around us. Not that my relationship has been milk&honey all the time (it got spoiled with sour pickles too, but we sorted that out along this 15y old path now), but I did become highly aware of my own "tripping over my trycicle tires". One thing more: we must not be so harshly judgemental of ourselves in order to heal. Patience with oneself is a soothing energy to delve into!
Thank you for all those practical examples like the "trycicle" or "fence builders" examples. It's so eye-opening 🤩! 🙏🏻
"When things are dicey in your partnership, its one area of your life struggling. When we take that pressure off, its a lot easier for a relationship to thrive."
This really describes my relationship with work. I feel like I have to be perfect just to be accepted and if I make any mistake I worry that I will not be accepted anymore. I worry that I will be told to leave. I realize that if I am going to be more regulated while working I need other aspects of my life to look forward to.
Oof, yes! I deal with this push to give it all and be perfect at work too. I think diversifying where you find meaning outside of work will help, like you said. It helps me lately, for sure.
Also, maybe you'll relate to this: When my personal coach walked me through mindful practices, I discovered some beliefs about myself. Turns out I attach my value to many external things, one of which is good performance. This is at the core of it for me when small mistakes destabilize my sense of security with my work life.
Now I'm trying to re-learn that "I'm valuable regardless." That's it. Such a short statement and so challenging to trust and embed. And of course, the company may decide to let me go at some point, if I don't bring enough or the right type of value to that dynamic. But slowly learning to trust that this work role isn't the only indicator of my value has been game changing. Ironically, I'm performing better at work, though that wasn't the goal 🤭
We got this! All the best on your regulating journey!
Omg your work situation describes all my types of relationships 😂😢
You are speaking more slowly in this vid, making you much more comprehensible to your previous vids.
Im a Fearful Avoidant who had an Anxious partner I completely failed to understand throughout the relationship, so understanding that Anxious types are wired to seek external regulation and have an all in perspective of relationships makes me understand my ex partner so much better, instead of classifying him as needy, demanding and selfish.
Thank you for yet another eye opening video!!!
good one!
Love this clarity. I'm anxious and you described my approach in relationships to a T.
You know you can adjust the speed of the video.
@@EllePole it doesn't feel natural.
Thank you for talking about the strengths of anxious attachment style. It actually makes me feel less shameful and more open to it, because it helps me know my strength. Incredibly grateful for this video
- I really appreciated the Fence Analogy with respect to knowing who you are, knowing where you end, where someone else begins and where to place Boundaries.
The more I listen to you, the more you blow my mind. You constantly reframe how I think about how I should be relating to people
Problem: NOTHING tickles my fancy like fixating on a partner, but that includes what I MYSELF can do to better the dynamic. We are built for companions. If friends are too much work with not enough payoff, by now, in my 38 years on this earth, I'm not going to find ones who can fulfill me the way a partner can. Either I'm anxious with avoidant tendencies or an FA leaning anxious because I don't have any issues communicating my needs. Perhaps my being an INFJ allows for that "teaching" component as much as learning. I do fixate on others' behaviors more than my own, but I don't feel it's to the detriment of myself. In any case, this was a very interesting perspective. I appreciate it.
This. Blew. Me. Away. YES! This is exactly it. Thank you so much for posting this. I am so happy to finally have this information/breakthrough for myself.
Anxious guy here, dating a kinda avoidant girl. She hasn't texted back in a week, even though last time we met was incredible. We work so well together in person - but this made me nearly break up with her because I was so furious. These videos stopped me from doing that. I am still furious, but I'm practicing meditation and will begin to focus on my life instead. If she wants to be alone, for no reason, then I will let her. I'm not chasing her anymore. Worst case, she just ghosts. We've been dating a year tho, which really fucking aggravates me that she would do this now. But fuck it. I'm done. Will focus on myself now.
If you have been dating a year and she hasn't text you back in a week for no reason, that's toxic! And mean! Maybe look into covert narcissist🤔
@Alex-yh1is You're right! All of us should just think like you do! Sorry, but this is mean behavior! Toxic! and should be addressed as such! After a year of dating, you're going to ghost for an entire week!! Come on! That's entirely toxic! The more mature and secure thing to do in this situation is, say, "Hey, I'm so confused, hurt, and need a good week" (or state your timeline) and I'll get back to you (on this date, or time) to talk to you....stating that you need time and space to process is a mature and secure thing to do...ghosting, not saying anything is low value....but you do you😉 stay blessed everyone🤗
if i had a boyfriend doing this a year into the relationship, i would question how serious he is about me. that's all im going to say.
I was having the same feelings. Glad I found this video
Ghosting or withdrawing is manipulative and can even be emotional abuse.
This video just ripped me apart, and I absolutely needed it. I’m paused at 13:34 making a list of who I am. The combo of feeling seen about not knowing who I am /who I’m protecting, and then a tangible way to figure out what the heck to do to start discovering that is amazing. I love this so much & I’m an immediate subscriber off of one video. Hope to see more great content like this with suggestions for exercises to help us find ourselves. Thanks!
Her video on avoidant ripped me apart as well, i went straight to my boyfriend and said i was sorry a million times😢
Cheers to you, and your healing journey!!🎉
Ditto, I've had my mind blown with the way she describes the patterns I've seen in myself and my relationships for years. They're all clicking into place so I can see the bigger picture now. It's wild! 🫶🏼
Also, her video on how to cultivate self trust and be in a more healthy relationship with yourself is great. It lays out some steps to take for practicing skills so we can build better patterns of relating, in my opinion.
Thank you SO much! I recently broke up with my GF of 5 years and discovered just how much being raised in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home shaped my attachment style. I struggled with about 99% of what you talked about in this video, and thanks to you I have more clarity on things. Looking forward to watching the rest of the videos on your channel. All the best!
Co-parenting with my ex-wife has helped me grow this blindspot. She keeps asking and pushing for various things. I have learned to say no when I feel uncomfortable or it doesn't feel right. I stick to the decree and use discernment to determine what choices to make. In these ways, her pressure and requests are a blessing, a gift. I'm learning how to protect myself, my space and my energy. Boundaries are absolutely everything in family life. I go to Al-Anon, which helps me focus on myself, have boundaries and detach from another person's stuff.
I have never heard anyone explain these complex dynamics in clearer terms than you Heidi🙏🏻😊 thank you so much! I am speechless . You change my life deeply 🙏🏻❤️
Heidi, your wisdom, and your calm and self-possessed aura, have been so helpful after this terrible, drawn-out break-up. Thank you 🙏
Been listening and liking these videos for several months now, to gain insight into a troubled relationship. Mostly to learn things about myself and other that may be contributing to these discomforts. Only now commenting to express my gratitude.
Love the tricycle analogy. And the one of the infant. The concept of boundaries is a tough one for me. That said, I know who I am, who I am not... but my boundaries are flexible to accommodate the ways of others without judgement. I don't feel as if I have to defend anything, there's just some things my heart isn't into, where I will not go, whilst simultaneously appreciating my partner's differences and agency to be who they are.
These videos and the comment section are so insightful, offering a sympathetic, non judgemental window into the psychology of attachment styles. Its so refreshing to have these attachment modes explained without the usual shame, blame and guilt tripping , victim/abuser mentality that so many videos devolve into. And to hear the strengths as well as the weakness of each type, how they formed in childhood explained. It promotes a great deal of empathy, rather tham seeing these others as "the problem" that needs to be "fixed". Thank you! 🌱 Please keep up this valuable work.
This is really, really great, Heidi. So much of what you said about how we have the responsibility and ability to ensure our own sense of psychological safety has never occurred to me before. I don't think I realized before this video how much I've outsourced my sense of wellbeing to other people, and I definitely never made the connection between that and my anxiety. Thank you for posting this.
The tricycle metaphor is too-notch!
It’s insane how much you could be talking directly to me and from knowing my past relationship
I hadnt read about attachcment styles before but as i was listening my eyes just widened and everything i am bogged down by was just explained here! I can’t believe all these major anxieties could be summed up in this attachment style. Wow. Thank you God for psychologists and studies like this!
The first ever time I come across content that is not repeating the traits but walking us through details of each step of remedy. You have a big heart. May God bless you with rewards you didn’t take from us. ❤
i disagree with frustration coming from the partner not setting boundaries for us. i get frustrated when i set a boundary but people feel comfortable crossing that boundary just because i am patient and gentle. that breeds resentment over time.
This totally hit home and got me out of my anxiety I’ve been in for the past couple days. Thank you! Being aware is everything. You have no idea how much this helped me. ❤
Please tell me it’s a fearful avoidant blind spot next!
This is was SO difficult to listen to!!!
Thank you so much!
I was tempted to turn it off because it resonated so much I felt frightened.
Watching this 100 times until it sinks in (especially the part about pretending I’ll always be single and how I would craft my life). Thanks as always, Heidi.
The depth of your understanding is amazing. Thank you
Omg, this is amazing content, life changing, really...
problems originate from our blind spots. We double down on what we did well but neglect the info from the blind spots- the stuff we need to learn from. The strength for an AP is preoccupation with other people's behavior, learning through love which is not readily available for Dismissives. They go in with their hearts open and ready to love. Need to balance/protect that strength/vulnerability when it's not safe to be in that energy. Secure relatedness requires SELF REGULATION and setting boundaries on a daily basis. Don't let others set our boundaries for us. Unhealthy: why aren't you setting my boundaries for me. Need to communicate boundaries both ways or can get enmeshed. Secure connection requires us to bring a more protected version of ourselves into a relationship. No partner can set boundaries for us who can take away our pain and know what we're thinking and feeling before you do, and respond perfectly to you all the time, we will be stuck in suffering because nobody can do that and a healthy partner won't want to do that. The solution is not to identify your savior but to understand that we need to teach ourselves what we're missing the first time around. Translate the pain we feel into healthy boundaries. Who am I? What matters in life? Where am I going in life. What do I need to protect with my boundaries? Where do you end and the next person begins? How would I design my life if I never meet my person? Go in partially vulnerable and partially protected and be able to discern when to switch between the two. Balance what kind of partner you're looking for with information about what matters to you outside of a partnership. You should have significant deal breakers. Are values and long term goals aligned? Redeem your relationship with yourself. Your partner doesn't need to be perfect.
Heidi, you've been instrumental in regaining mental health during my attachment healing and break up healing process. I can't thank you enough. Thank you for helping me become a better person.
Heidi! This is BRILLIANT!! Thank you!
And I actually intuitively did this exercise after my last break up. I decided that I might be single forever and that was okay. And NOW, how do I want to live my life? Well, I’m buying a house and lo and behold, I met someone at a local establishment and we’ll see where it goes from there. But I’m not surrendering my new found life for anyone! 💕
But your words are exactly what I needed to hear. I’m FA so I need to find that video.
Thank you again for how clearly you explain your insights!
I over-corrected in a major way after an ex told me I wasn't emotionally vulnerable and made myself extremely emotionally vulnerable. I've struggled with defining my wants and goals my whole life and am still struggling to figure them out, but it's encouraging to hear I'm on the right path.
Youre insane for this because I always always think about this now!!!! "Have a life outside my partner to be able to self regulate" 😢 I needed this because I wanted my partners to help me regulate which is not healthy. I agree so much now, I need to have my own life for this to happen
do you have any tips? to self regulate?
@@dannydiablo. meditation, journaling about feelings, have some hobbies that u know u will go back to. Feeling your thru emotions first, sit with it for 5 minutes then do everything else
@@Luminoous thanks!
Amazing Heidi, really. It's like you're inside my head reading my thoughts. So much compassion and learning here. I feel like the blinkers are finally off. Thank you so much 💓
Oh my! What a treasure I've found on UA-cam. Thank you soooo much for this video 🙏🏻 it's really priceless
I think you've just hit the nail on the head for me. This is like a major revelation! Thank you.
omg, Heidi, what you said about this blindspot is so strikingly correct !! you are so sharp in pointing this out, I have been reading and watching a lot of other resource about Attachment style, only you able to point this vital blindspot of anxious attachment. Thank you so much and I really hope more people able to come across your video, it really save a lot of people life.
….what if you find focusing on yourself crazy boring? I’m 43. I’ve chased all the dreams, had literally all the hobbies. I wanted kids and a husband - focusing on myself as single for life just sounds incredibly boring and unfulfilling to me.
I hear you, L Fox.
I think the exercise is not supposed to be the map for the future. It is a way to know what you like without glueing yourself to your future partner in unhealthy ways. If you know how you might enjoy life on your own, you can seek a partner who is interested in many of the same things or someone who can do their own thing while you do yours. I. Way of preventing enmeshment. Lean over and look in that blind spot! ❤
I have never thought of this consciously. But you just put into words, why I have not done this. My dream, for life, has allways been to have a husband, lots of kids and animals. Now I am 48, living alone with my one kid, (no dad around)
I wish I had done that work earlier on. Now I am living that work and it is to late to get to my dreams.. 😔
@molly Why is it too late? The only reason I can see is because you believe it is? You have plenty of life left to meet your husband, adopt/foster kids and have some animals. I see fulfillment as possible for you! 🙏🏼
Consider Jesus if you haven’t ❤
I'm watching this video again a year after I encountered it. It's been hard to see any growth but watching this video again, I am proud to say I have come a long way. Of course much more lies ahead. Thank you Heidi
In a narcissistic relationship where boundaries are not accepted, it doesnt matter if you are the "bigger person", you cannot change the way the other person sees you, so beeing vulnerable doesnt mean anything... So choose people wisely people
Been wondering if am dealing with a narcissist or an avoidant,the minute I set a boundary we broke up more of he broke it off 😅
Wow! wow! wow!
Hands down honestly one of the best teachings/advice/wisdom I’ve heard. I really need this and I’m so grateful to God for finding this channel and I’m grateful for your counsel. Thank you
Hi Heidi, listenning to you, I realize I usually do make my partner responsible for my need and protection like I'm a clueless and vulnerable little thing. In my case, that's because I'm in limerence when that happens so I have this idealized version of my partner that will guide me through love and help me get better and authentic. I have only ever had one romantic relationship where I was actually dating the real person and I was able to enforce my boundaries just fine. It felt awesome and uncomfortable at the same time. It ended really quickly too and I felt really guilty about it as I thought I was being too ''intolerant''. Thinking back about it, she was being limerent as hell, and I wasn't feeling seen at all in the relationship as I could feel our interactions were just food for her fantasies so it was the right thing to call it quits. Again thanks for bringing clarity to my life. You are helping me processing so many lies and blindspots. I'm grateful to you and I love you ❤
I've found myself exactly in the hypothetical situation from the video: all of a sudden, it's a pretty safe bet that I will never find a (high-quality) partner again. I struggled for a while to accept this realization, but unfortunately the more i accept it, the less will to live I still have. What's the point? I don't have any family or close friends, and i don't, can't care about the rat race aka career. What's the point of it all when there is not a soul to share your life with. I'm increasingly thinking about euthanasia. After being so alone for so long (basically my entire life except when i did, in fact, have a high-quality partner - which i was stupid enough to lose because we were in our early 20s and i had what seemed like a life-changing career move), I just fail to see why stick around if all that remains is even more loneliness and the irritation of unfulfilling, shallow, inevitable interactions with acquaintances and such.
Also, we seem to be going through The Revenge of the Avoidants era in the attachment community. Early on, in the days of Attached the book, it was mainstream to bash on avoidants. Now, it seems to be the norm to argue that one is supposed to have a meaningful and fulfilling life even if they don't have a partner. And sure, there are some people who can do this. I agree that avoidants tend to do just fine without a close relationship, much like a color-blind person in a color-blind community doesn't miss red and green. But the rest of us are hardwired to need an attachment figure. One can sort of get away with being single and still happy if they have a lot of supportive family (let's be real, very few of us have platonic friends who cross into family territory the way a partner does). But if you have no family, the essential sense of security, meaning, connection is going to be rather elusive. What's the point to live when there isn't anyone to live for, who also lives for you.
Jesus died for you and lives for you too; once you are secure in your identity with God, you become content with being alone but then once your content with being alone, you most likely will find a good partner to share that with.
Psalms 37:4
4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Omg I just met someone and instantly started feeling anxious, I RAN to your channel and of course this was so on point
Glad I found your channel-now I see what went wrong in my 2 marriages. First time I’ve heard of attachment styles.
Holy Cow! This is the first time ever that this 'relationship with myself' thing has actually made any sense to me. THANK YOU ❤
Coming out of a relationship (while attending regularly to therapy) I actually hit many of the right marks, but that question of "how would I design my life if finding 'love of my life' was guaranteed failure" (paraphrasing ofc) was a shocker and put me into really thinking, thanks!
We should decide it's time to finally grow up and look after ourselves the best we can. There's no savior coming. Everyone is busy with their own stuff so much so they don't even notice or care if you're depressed and need a kind word ( it happened after I lost a pet, partly it was my fault and the guilt was crushing me during months. I never got any empathy ) so it's up to us to pick ourselves up because we matter, our wellbeing matters and the warmth in our hearts matters ooh, sooo much! 💖😘
Heidi, you have made such an immense impact on my life. For 32 years being anxious, around maybe like 7 years discovering and healing this pattern bit by bit, but not quite yet. Until very recently when I also asked myself a question “What would I do with my life if I knew I was never going to meet a partner”. And now with this video you just made it sink in so heavy, it made me teary.
Thank you so much for the work you are doing!
Wow. I NEEDED to hear this. Bless you. Been in therapy for awhile and have never had it spoken and explained so clearly and … just wow. Thank you.
You are amazing, Heidi. Really. The first time I hear someone talking about this in a way that is actually clear and with a really caring approach. I felt I could finally understand myself and see my mistakes so clearly. This is going to change my life. Thank you!
You have such a talent at explaining things! The ability to use simple analogies to break down complex subjects is INSANE. Thank you so much, I am learning a lot form you.
The best video related to anxious attachment. It was very well explained and you went straight to the point
It’s amazing how many of these videos feels like you’re talking directly to me and my situation. Finding your channel has been a glimmer in my life.
When she said you keep getting fewer and fewer red flags with each one, it was spot on!!! This lady is good 😂❤
This helps me appreciate my therapist because these are all concepts she has helped me with even before I understood attachment theory. She knew what I needed and met me where I was and helped teach me how to be my own protector. One concept that really hit home for me was learning how to "be a container" and "define my edges", those are the terms we used. It helped me so much and I see the parallels with your comments on building a fence and defining my land.
The container metaphor helped me also understand how to be a container for others, how to be a safe space where someone can exist without fear. If my edges are secure and fixed, they don't have to worry about accidently bending them and they can be more free to be themselves. That's true safety. I work with kids in crisis now and I use these lessons everyday. Not only have a learned to feel safe in my own body even when someone else feels unsafe, I feel even more myself because I know what strengths I have.
This theory has been such a help for me. Your content truly hits home.
Oh man, this video was humbling. I have never put words to my behavior before, but this absolutely nailed it. Thank you, Heidi, for helping me figure out the first few steps in working on my attachment style!!
I rarely write comments on UA-cam but I just wanted to say how incredibly informative, easy to understand and beneficial this was for me. It's really changed the way I think about my relationships with others and myself, and I now feel I have the confidence to do what I need to do to feel regulated and secure. Thank you so much!
Wow! Preach! You are spot-on sister. So much gratitude and reverence for your gifts through this media.❤❤❤
I've watched many videos on anxious attachment styles and you're the one person I've seen that really really explains this in the best way possible. I really learned and understood everything, thank you! 🙏
"I'm going to live the rest of my life without a romantic relationship" Wow, that idea hit me like a sack of bricks. Heidi, I've been watching your videos for a while and I think this video is is the clearest, most useful piece of information an anxiously attached person can sit with. When you live so exclusively vulnerable, it's extremely hard to learn how to stop especially because we hear from others how important it is to be vulnerable in a relationship. The idea of protecting ourselves and preparing a boundaried life that is extrinsic from a romantic relationship can feel sad at first, like we're closing off, giving up on love, etc. I'm struggling with that now, for sure. Hearing why that is important and what it allows us to do, that it *is* okay and *is* the right thing to do in equal measure, is so good and makes me feel safer going into this process.
Heidi you are a genius communicator. Love all your content.
Omg! I love all your videos on attachment style and how you break the information down. It’s brilliant!
I didn't expect a new burst of Heidi content in my life but boom it's here and it's an excellent bonus to my life. Another excellently persuasive argument and super useful insight
Heidi.....Your videos are so helpful. It is also refreshing to listen to someone who can talk without using cuss words. That's becoming rare so thank you!
I am forever grateful, Heidi, that people like you exist in this world
This video Is UNBELIEVABLE 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I've found some videos on philosophy and attachment to external things and I've found it helpful in dealing with my anxious attachment
All I know is, I m blessed to have been broken, because it brought me to these videos. I couldn’t ask for a more beautiful delivery system of some life changing information 💘
This was so brilliantly framed and helped me understand why im struggling. Thanks for being you and helping others.
I’ve learned so much more in a few days of watching your videos than I have in the last several months and years of failed relationships. I thought more about how toxic relationships have been and trying to avoid them vs paying attention to my own behaviors. Had I seen these videos a year ago, it could have helped me better to communicate to my ex about expressing our boundaries and understanding each other’s feelings in a healthy way.
Yes, yes, and YES! I found myself saying this repeatedly while watch this video. This so totally resonates with me!Thank
That was just amazing. I can't thank you enough. Truly
You can explain so clearly. I finally understand the attachments. Love your content.
I hope you know how many of us you're helping to heal, Heidi! Thank you thank you! Just wow! 👏🏻 Listening to this again now that I'm more receptive to it and... 🤯