I mean, I don't people, please my job Is something I take Seriously because my other Job is that the Government pays for my house And I get to take care Of my crew also I have a lawer for Girlfriend who is a very expensive lawyer
An underrated element of secure relationships is that, once you are no longer neurotically pleasing your partner to keep them in the relationship, you then get to anticipate and meet your partners wants/needs in a normal and cute way. Simple shit like starting their car on a cold day. It’s so hard to see and feel the love in small things like that when you’re doing them out of fear.
@@Steven-zt6rs Non sense ad absurdum et ad nauseam….in fact I have shined the light of day….on the crux of all modern self help/relationship advice-Coaching-Cyber Complex. You just don’t like it. I stand by what I have said. You’re just going to have to live with it.
people-pleasing = parent-pleasing it comes from early childhood when we couldn't be ourselves but had to be what our parents wanted or needed. we had to please them to survive. this carries into adulthood and gets generalized into 'people-pleasing' because of that early template that was formed ('this is what i must do to survive. people won't love me unless i make them happy.')
I can relate. I feel like I have to always give ppl some sort of value. If not, I feel like I am not worthy of their time. Any ways that you can stay authentic to yourself?
@@I-am-MyOwnFlashlightso what is wrong with this? It sounds like you are doing exceptionally at your JOB. How does this become something you need to unlearn?
This is why I feel all teenagers should rebel and reset the ownership of their actions going forward. Parents need to allow their offspring to reject all their teachings, removing parental blame as the offspring moves into adulthood.
People Pleasing can also harm the trust you have in a relationship. I discovered my now ex-wife was people pleaser when I discovered that she would agree to do things, that she didn't want to do, then feel resentful for agreeing to do it. Over time I stopped asking her to do anything, because I couldn't trust that she would tell me the truth.
I have someone who I thought was a close friend who was/is the same way. I realize now I was projecting onto that relationship; the nanosecond I was no longer their business partner I literally simply didn't exist to them; it was a devastating discard. We have since reconciled in a manner of speaking but when they offer to hang out I will just let them come to me. I don't want to create what I think are cherished memories and then find out weeks or months later that they resent the time spent together and/or were just using me to avoid something else.
Thank you for sharing. I believe I may be doing this to my boyfriend, and I'm only recently realizing just how unfair it is. It's building a lot of resentment in me, and it's been subconsciously causing a lot of arguments this past week or so. May I ask how you would have liked your ex wife to approach the situations she didn't want to engage in? I struggle with understanding the gap between how differently men and women think, so I don't know if just being direct is the way to go or if I'm overthinking it. And honestly, I'm not even sure what I'm afraid will happen if I disagree with him. Thank you for reading, and I hope you're doing well these days, OP.
I had a breakthrough moment a few days ago where I was able to look at myself and say “stop keeping your mouth shut. Stop going along.” I was high on gummies and had this whole plan for enjoying a nice shower while my partner was eating his ice cream. My partner followed me into the shower and tried to get frisky. I wasn’t having it and he was confused. Eventually I said I just want to take my shower, can you leave? He said he was sorry. I said I’m gonna need more than that (we had talked a few weeks ago about what I need for an effective apology). He said okay and left. I took my shower and my vibe was kind of messed up but I tried to enjoy it. I thought about it. Then I tried to think about his perspective. I realized that I never had actually told him what my plan was and I had never told him that I’m uncomfortable when he starts something without asking me (we’ve done shower stuff many times in the past). So I was like oh…this is a moment where I need to recognize this is a boundary for me and explain my feelings without judgment. So I did. I came out of the bathroom and said, actually I don’t need an apology from you. I explained what he did and how it made me feel and I said I don’t want you following me into the shower anymore unless you ask first. So I guess that’s more of an expectation. He was like wow, I had no idea. And I was like I know. For the first time I was able to understand that I had never first explained my boundary before getting mad about being invaded. I guess I just felt like it was obvious because my ego or something was screaming at me like Hello?! This is obvious! But it’s not. I’m heartbroken for all the times I’ve ignored and abandoned my inner child. I did that. This is the first huge milestone for healing.
In a way, your perspective makes sense. It is how you feel about it. However, it’s different from mine as a man; it almost sounds like you are saying he needs to ask permission for a specific time or place before he’s able to have physical intimacy with you, which is a huge relationship killer. Men and women are different, despite the political correctness train. It doesn’t mean that either of us is necessarily bad, just different. A big problem comes when we think the love needs of our partner are foolish or stupid or not as important as ours are because they are different than our needs. I know this from personal experience, when a man has to jump through hoops, or be a good boy, or say or do the right things, or mind read to get his needs met, your relationship takes a downward turn quickly. Then, when you are feeling unloved and empty, your woman wants you to spend more time with her and not have physical intimacy, so that she just ‘feels good,’ which drains you even further. Then she will also criticize these needs or desires you have as being a crazy, irrational male, chauvinistic, or abusing women, or all kinds of guilt, shaming and mind games. Both of your love needs are equally important, and when they get off balanced things fall apart. If you truly love him, you will work to balance both of your needs in this area and be careful that you don’t push him away. Otherwise, he is going to start resenting you if he doesn’t already. He is probably hurting, but he doesn’t want to tell you. Men and women have different organs and hormone levels, as well as physical and emotional needs on a spectrum. This is not just a man being a pig, or not caring about women, it’s a man saying that if you make sex and physical intimacy a “treat” or a bonus, or a nice thing, “once in a while,” it will destroy your relationship. If it were me, as the man, what would have been better, would be for you to tell him how you feel, and then say you were tired at this time and offer a different time later that same day to be physically intimate. Then you approach him later - even in a sultry way - that will build passion and desire. That way, he knows you’re not rejecting him and you still do care deeply about him and your relationship. For most men, sex creates connection, but for many women, it follows connection. It’s like a feedback loop or a circle where each affects the other. Both of you have a love needs tank, and if it gets too low, you can’t give each other what the other needs because you are starving. All that to say good for you to speak how you’re feeling rather than suppress it. I was raised with that programming and have been working to overcome it, but have been in relationship with someone who just railroads boundaries and doesn’t really care about what I want, and when I speak up, it gets stomped down. Of course, this really destroys your relationship. PS (sorry it’s getting verbose): I reread the beginning, and just thought of one more thing : when he apologized, and then you rejected his apology and said it needed to ‘be a different way,’ - your way. That is a land mine. It’s his apology and if it’s from the heart you need to accept it. Don’t micromanage HOW he apologizes or thinks. That is extremely invalidating and disrespectful to him. How would you feel if you made a mistake and you told him “I’m sorry”, and he told you, “no you’re not, I don’t believe you! I want you to say these five words, and stand over there with this tone of voice and a huge checklist… “ when you simply want to apologize?” this is another way relationships are destroyed and I know this from personal experience. You didn’t tell him what you were planning to do, nor how you felt. He had no idea. Then when he wanted to be intimate, you rebuffed him and criticized him for apologizing “the wrong way.” You guilted, shamed, and disrespected him as a man. As a person. Next time if you have a specific plan, say hey I’m gonna take a shower , but I’m tired and want to do it alone or something to let him know. Maybe there are subtle hints and cues that women might understand, but a man will not understand unless you just say it. We don’t like to play games or guilt or beat around the bush with stupid stuff. It is loving and kind to let him know what you’re thinking and to let him know that you love him and are glad to be with him. All these thoughts are from the heart. In the past, I would never speak my mind like this, because the people pleaser doesn’t wanna rock the boat ! but it is part of my growth journey. sometimes men and women butt heads over stupid things, and they escalate into big arguments, when deep down we really want love and connection even if it’s in different ways. ❤
@@mokyan7 I’m sorry to hear about your relationship. You deserve to be with someone who listens to your needs and respects you. Be careful about how to use your words. They project your own thoughts and desires. He is very happy with me and tells me how he feels. This was not a matter of killing intimacy, although that’s important as well. This was a matter of learning to recognize my feelings and using my assertive voice.
You're some kinda genius I think. I have never before heard the concept of intimacy explained so well. Some people spend a lifetime re-learning these skills because they were never modeled by caregivers. And here they are in a 23 min download. I hope you know you are helping change the world. I remain in awe of, and in gratitude for, the gifts you share here.
Second this. I am genuinely excited to live in a world where so many of us are recognising through videos like these who/what/how we want to be in the world and are willing to change for it.
Sometimes we're so desperate to get along with someone that we fake an entire personality just to not be excluded or rejected. The better approach is to be yourself and find people who embrace differences and make being alone just as good as any other option.
Not me pressing the "Share" button and looking for the option that sends this video back in time to 20-year-old me with a note saying "watch this once a week until you stop avoiding intimacy" 😅
I realised yesterday that I spent my entire childhood trying to reassure my mom. Only to realise that she not only didn't notice, but she also refused point blank to do the same for me. I literally could have destroyed myself and she would just ignore me. Finally understand why I'm chasing unavailable people!
In my relationship with my wife. We had argument about a text. She asked me to do something and I did it and responded. The problem was what I did was not really what she was asking me to do. So when she got home a big fight. I felt she 100% wrong and she felt I was 100% wrong. So I told her we are both right. I explained that in my perception I read that text my way and correctly. That her perception she wrote the text in her way she too did so correctly. Both of our experiences are valid. Sure it lead to screw up but the screw up isn't as important as that fact that we both experienced that text exchange differently. In the end text really isn't a good communication tool for something important as texting is missing 1/2 the conversation. There is voice tone and body language missing. What I found in the argument was just validating my wife's experience as different than mine equally helped a lot. I could have gone people pleasing and agreed with her about that her experience was only valid one but that would lead to resentment in long run. Watched this a this example just popped into mind.
It’s going to sound sappy, but I was greeted returning from overseas in a positive way. My understanding is most Vietnam vets were NOT treated well upon returning stateside…welcome home. Thank you for your service. ❤
You have distilled my entire relational history into a 23 minute video, lol. Wow. These days with some recovery under my belt, I find pseudo intimacy to be tremendously unsatisfying. Now comes the hard part, developing skills, learning how to navigate conflict rather than avoid it, and tapping into self-awareness to recognize when my boundaries are being violated.
This is some sort of a strange limbo for me - not yet being able to live healthier, yet at the same time realizing full well that I really can't go back to the way I was, to my old behaviours and old relationships 😅
same. I'm now at a stage where I have enough self-worth to not find ppl pleasing satisfying for more than a moment, and in touch with myself enough to know I'm not satisfied, if not in the moment then at least shortly afterward. but I'm very afraid of conflict (pry as afraid of my emotions getting out of control generally), and very few ppl would work hard enough to signal that it's safe to have conflict w them/that they like me regardless. so I'm mostly avoiding all connection but my psychoanalyst and a co-counseling friend (who's a therapist) who rly went out of the way early on to convince me it's okay to be real with her. at this point I'm kinda okay with little shame/high trust, will be open and active in various online spaces or at times even trying irl events, so there will even be candidates for connection that seem interested.. and I just went thru 3-4 of those over the past two weeks doing a long talk/walk, falling a bit into ppl pleasing, doing a bit of therapy and listening and validation on them that I'm good at, not having my needs met, not feeling like seeing them again. I dunno what's the way out, continuing getting some corrective experiences in therapy, mb vulnerability-focused spaces, working on the core fears around tolerating feelings and rejections and such. But I don't see relationships working out with me in my current state unless I find somebody special who's a therapist personality enough to lure me out of my shell.
Remember that a boundary you don’t set is not the same as a violation. Letting go of the self righteousness and control of not sharing your needs so you can punish them and self-justify keeping your distance, is a huge part of allowing the other person to see the real you so they can show you the other half of intimacy
This video is right on time. I'm struggling with this with a partner. I'm very open about my boundaries and what I'm unable to do/give/, so this behavior puzzles me. However, my partner will say/do/think whatever they believe I'm thinking to draw us closer. If I ask them for a favor and it's out of their bandwidth, they will still do it and harbor secret resentment/passive aggression that they're "working so hard for this relationship", when I gave them the option to refuse. It's confusing and hurtful because obviously, they fear being abandoned/the relationship ending. I want them to know it's okay to be disagreed with, even in a relationship. I'm willing to work on the relationship but it isn't easy when there are constantly different versions of the truth and expectations. Thank you!
I'm separating right now with a 2.5yo and a 6mo kids. No need to say how painful and difficult this is. I was having precisely this problem. And it won't stop after separation as she is a pleasing mother, which makes early education for my children more difficult for me. I truly wish you luck and all the best.
It is really hard to understand that you may have contributed to lack of true intimacy as much as an avoidant partner. Thanks for this excellent video Heidi. We must dare to face reality, even it is so hard!
I stumbled upon your channel in December 2023 & it completely changed my life. I listened & re-listened to you every day for hours & hours for 6 weeks straight, soaking in everything and transforming myself from the inside out. I cannot express what a difference you have made for me and my relationships, including those with my partner and my children. I have shared your videos with my friends and talk about your videos to anyone who will listen. I am definitely becoming more healthy & secure every day. I had never heard of co-regulation or self-regulation before and had no idea what to do with my giant emotions. I didn't know how to use them or how to control my reactions to them. I didn't understand before why my relationship felt so off-kilter or how to fix myself. I felt so broken! But, your way of presenting these concepts made me finally grasp it all! How could you understand me better than I understood myself? It was just one epiphany after another. And now when I find myself struggling with old patterns, ruminating, and wondering how to get my feet back on solid ground, I return and listen again and again. I just wished there were more videos because I have listened to everything so many times already! And then you posted yesterday and it was exactly the message I needed to hear! Thank you for returning. You are changing lives, Heidi! I never ever write UA-cam comments, but I can't hold this in. This is my favorite channel hands down and I will be hungrily awaiting for more because I never get tired of hearing your voice & message. I can't afford "therapy" per se, but even if I could, I would still prioritize listening to your content, as it is the highest quality therapy that I can imagine. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! ~Melanie
I just started dating again after a six year break from doing it and I'm immediately recognizing how quick and willing I am to self-abandon. This series of videos will be very helpful to me and my future partners. Thank you.
The more security we earn, the more flexibility and freedom we have in our thinking!! If we can't be honest with someone, we cannot have true intimacy with them!! So true! Amazing!
I agree. Do you remember that wonderful scene in Dirty Dancing where Johny tried to teach Baby how to dance and she kept falling into his arms. He stopped and explained that he had a dance space, and she had a dance space, and how each needed their dance spaces, near but not intersecting. Yes, honest conflict fought fairly, not unfairly, helps build intimacy that allows each person their own dance space without being stepped upon, or kicked-out of the dance hall. Honest and fairly worked conflict maintains a magic and interest in discovery. Many people who act like people-pleasers do this because they face an internal conflict. They want to be in the room but fear getting stomped for being too different. This is part of why true and rewarding intimacy can require a long and careful time to develop. Remember, how do porcupines make love? Very carefully. Yes, conflict can build energy, but only if it is honest and handled fairly does it turn into a conversation instead of an emotional war.
❤ I've watched the majority of your video's over the last months, just finished one and there you are again. Thank you Heidi for sharing everything you know and learned with us, you're making such a positive impact on so many lives in such a unique way. Congratulations on your beautiful channel & community, I'm glad and thankful to be part of it.
Let me share something. I had been craving for this moment when my relationship would change. I had always thought the change should be from my husband but, after I watched this video, everything changed. This video opened my eyes. I started crying after the first 5 minutes, when I related to it completely and could understand why I was unhappy. I have a history of people pleasing as a child and I knew I was in a pattern, but you showed me the effect of this in my relationship. Then I understood why I did so many bad things to him and to myself. I've been a new person ever since. Thank you for this.❤
I feel like this is also true of friendships. I think about this video i saw where these old ladies who were lifetime best friend would always pick on one another but it was always from a place of love and humor. They were both secure with themselves and their differences was something they could laugh about.
Ok waaaaait....( ! ) As of 1:27 in this vid, you have entirely corrected the (unhelpful, as you say) frame of reference for understanding myself more accurately. As well as single-handedly connected all the dots to every other video that resonates with me about everything from; where I stall in business relationships/negotiations/employees, to what putting my own self care first, etc. Incredible. Thank you.... Ok, continue.... 😏 🙏🏼
This video is so helpful. Not to me unfortunalely. I'm just out of a relationship where the other had no trouble expressing when they're not happy, but only by getting furious and out of constructive discussion. And it was the same when I expressed any criticism even for minor things. I tried my best to talk through issues but it always ended in open arguments. And now it's over, yet I always had the best intentions. Relationships are hard 😞
It was towards the end of the video that I just got the central point of what you are saying - "intimacy cannot exist where self abandonment is occurring". There is another way of thinking about this that I came across whilst studying the works of RD Laing - "the people who are most closely connected with others are those who are most separated from others" (paraphrase). Laing identified how opening up too much is wrong and leads to engulfment which leads to collapse. Its a paradox, being less connected and having barriers means being more whole and more real and more stable and in turn that leads to the possibility of real relationship.
Heidi's work awe-inspiring. I'm constantly watching and rewatching her videos because every one of them teaches me something new. As a psychologist (who wrote part of my doctoral dissertation on attachment theory), I have recommended Heidi Priebe's channel more times than I can count to the people who've entrusted themselves to my care because her ability to synthesize and communicate this information in practical and life-giving ways is *remarkable.* And, frankly, her talent far exceeds my ability to do the same. Heidi, thank you for sharing your knowledge and your incredible gift for teaching with the world.
I'm in LA, so there are many individuals I run into as friends who aren't able to be trusted in this way. If they say something political during normal business conversation (often reactive, conspiratorial thinking with heavy emotional and ego investment), you could offer a better viewpoint. But they often take that as an invitation to lash out, intending professional consequences. You don't want to be known as "the guy who doesn't go along with [whatever nonsense or lie]", you have your own creative journey to live, so you end up being quiet, and shaping the relationship so that problem person doesn't have more leverage to harm you. It's a weird dynamic where the crazies are the most vocal
I know what you mean. I cope by seeing those types as devoutly religious - even though that's never how they'd identify themselves. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but some people can't keep personal and business/acquaintance relationships separate, and only want to interact with those who 100% share their opinions. It's weird to me, but that's their prerogative. Just know there are many, many people out there who you can work with who CAN tolerate hearing your true thoughts, even if they disagree - but you'll only make space for them in your life if you stop abandoning yourself to stay in the "good enough" friendship/career/city.
My grandma has this great phrase, she says “I’m not going there” or “I’m not going to go there” maybe you can start saying that, it sets a boundary about what your willing to talk about but also doesn’t give away your (potentially) conflicting opinion.
Yup, I needed to hear this today. I'm currently staying in connection with someone that I haven't fully healed from yet and part of me knows I just need space from, but that means taking the risk of saddening them, drifting apart, or losing out on whatever positive interactions might be in store in the near future. This video reminds me that I'd really only be missing out on pseudo-intimacy anyway as I can feel myself masking and self-abandoning in order to stay in connection atm. This channel is right up there with the most profound resources I've encountered for navigating life and healing, there's already enough material on it to last a lifetime. Thanks Heidi, I'm sure I'll be recommending your channel for as long as the Internet exists xD
In a nutshell, you completely explained why the recent relationship I was in just ended. Thank you so much! It’s still fresh in my thoughts and now I can relate to what happened. I knew my partner was people-pleasing me, but I did not know how to show up. It felt fake, like I was living in a lie and I kept thinking something was wrong with me for having resistance. The verbal understanding of reward vs risk is now in my toolbox and pseudo-intimacy is my new favorite word!!
22:45 That feeling of abandoning myself in the moment use to feel like a flood that I had no control over due to the fear of how I might be rejected or how they might treat me if I were to express my thoughts. After three years of putting in the work of introspection, journaling, shadow-work and watch channels like yours, that feeling to abandoned myself became a realization that I was betraying myself. To betray myself in the moment, is to abandoned my future self. "Peace comes from honesty, honesty bring peace" Y'all have a wonderful day.
Thank you for sharing this information. This clarifies so much for me. There were a lot of ego defenses exchanged by my parents during my developmental years. There was so much shame that hovered in my home atmosphere. Being brutally honest was dangerous because no one wanted to be abandoned or rejected. Unfortunately, I became a people-pleaser to counteract my mother's BPD symptoms. This is a real eye-opener.
Sharing dissent with people outside of my close circle is relatively easy for me but I've gone to great lengths to avoid conflict with those close to me. Thank you for helping me to understand why I've been stuck in this self-destructive pattern and showing me that there is a way out.
Thankyou Thankyou Heidi, I have been trying to get my husband to understand this premise for over thirty years of marriage I am so burnt out. He is the most scared people pleaser especially to me. There is just no truth between us and he just keeps going along like it is fine. Now he’s watching this video I can only hope that this will finally show him how he destroys us, he loves me so much but it’s almost like he can’t see past that and it’s all for love, you’re the best Heidi 😊😢
I know I'm not the only one to say this, but your work is a gift. Recently, I felt myself spiraling into limerence again for the first time in years. I was able to notice the signs, and I returned to your videos. They grounded me in reality and empowered me to pull myself out of the situation. You are providing us with truly life-changing information. Thank you!
My ex-wife is a narcissist. She's a child of narcissist parents, and she's a people pleaser. The thing is, she never wanted to please me. She would go out of her way to be the center of attention for everyone else. She was trying to be there for everyone except me. Now, I do take accountability for staying with her as long as I did because I was always chasing her and waiting for my turn. She eventually discarded me and acted as if she never knew me, all in one day, it was wild at the time. She felt she needed to be there for other people who needed her. It was so weird and annoying. Well, after she left, I became happy and peaceful and never felt better. She, on the other hand, has gone downhill fast. She's a miserable person. It's crazy how you see someone you were attached to once you've unattached and become indifferent. You're almost embarrassed to have even known them. She's tried to reach out a bunch of times, and I just ignore her. After she left, I never talked to her ever again.
You made my day. In my marriage I almost always am the people-pleaser and abandon myself for avoiding conflict at all costs. In fact I never felt true intimacy accept in limerence. But I never knew, how small it starts. And I remember all these little events and how I used them to adapt to my partner. “If you get along unhurt, use these little learnings …” and wider the gap. That’s what I did. Never had seen it so clear: I’m a dam coward. I always was.
Friend, another way to abandon yourself is to speak poorly of yourself for not knowing then what you are beginning to know now. Instead of calling yourself a coward, consider that you learned to adopt behaviours that ensured your survival in situations you did not feel equipped to navigate with the skills/knowledge you had at the time. But now, you are coming to know. You might find it really helpful to do self-compassion therapy alongside this work, as the perfect companion. Videos all over UA-cam on it, I believe pioneered by Kristen Neff. There are many others though. Walk yourself back home kindly and compassionately.
@@VivianGray88 thanks very much. You were on the point. Also for your good advice. I had a therapy and came across my survival strategy. But it’s hard to turn knowledge into practice. My wife is so much stronger than me. And sill I have high bodyreactions during and before conflicts. Considering have some chemical help there, just to make at least one successful stand. Growing hurts, even when you are a 51 y o child/coward/betamale/imposter
@@thomasalbers6102this beta- alpha discussion that is so much going on these days is just weird. One can be confident without excerting dominance over others. Just learn to accept yourself and grow confidence from that - irrespective of comparison with others.
Thank you so much, Heidi. Truly. You've been more help to me than I could ever hope to express. I hope that all of the kindness and compassion that you've sent out into this world will return to you.
I am so glad this video came up in my feed. You’ve explained this much better than any other resource I’ve watched. I have saved this to my list and will rewatch it multiple times as to ensure that I am able to make it a habit. Thank you!
"...in order to stay in connection with other people, we have to be in brutally honest connection with ourselves...when it comes to maintaining intimacy." This was the crescendo that took my breath away. I LOVE the phrase "in brutally honest connection with ourselves." It stirs every ounce of my internal courage to reach for what I really desire. Heidi, although I might not want a flow chart every time because it distracts from the connection your eyes provide to your message, this time, the flow chart was a powerful visual. And again, of course, a flow chart (!) because your ability to take a macro-, mysterious human experience and break it into its most understandable micro-units of meaning is your superpower!
I've been struggling with this my whole life and only recently started practicing being honest because a huge trauma has been resolved for me. Everything you said rang so true within me, thank you so much for putting this out there and I hope more people see it.
This was extremely illuminating. Made me cry at one point as I realised some of the mechanics at work in a previous relationship, and also the desire in myself to please others that I brought to it and how it destroyed much of our intimacy. Thank you!
i have learned so much from your videos over the last 6 months. have been going through a breakup and you have helped me tremendously to navigate some really difficult circumstances and emotions. thank you.
I'm finally in a place in my healing that I can start resolving my fear of abandonment and people-pleasing behaviors. Thank you for addressing and explaining this topic so thoroughly!
Sheesh! You dropped bar after bar in this video! I’ve shared this with my mom, as I found it incredibly helpful. I can’t wait to hear her thoughts on it and we can chat more about it! Your videos always give me the ability to dig a couple layers deeper, so thank you for this!
Heidi, you always blow my mind with these videos. So much truth, but explained so clearly. After watching, I often have to just sit and reflect and integrate all the wisdom for while. Thank you so much, this particular video has answered a lot of questions I've had for a long time. ❤
I feel like this describes how to establish an extremely healthy base in a relationship to resolve conflict, but then stops short of what to do once you get to that place. To say, I’d love for a follow up video. I feel like you actually understand a lot of the very abstract and deep concepts, which feels incredibly rare.
You came to me at such a great time. I appreciate your efforts to make all of us see things and make better choices in life. This video alone created a different path for me now. Lots of love, Heidi.
"Intimacy = emotional co-regulation". 🤯 I had to stop the video right there for 10 minutes to let that sink in. Very little of my previous relationships (parents/friends/partners) stands out to me as authentic manifestations of such a concept. I'm not a diagnosed avoidant but I do recognize plenty of avoidant behaviors in how I have faced conflicts. Your video is finally waking me up. Thank you.
That’s always been my approach. And sadly and traumatically, no one else’s in my life. I’ve been just called a catalyst of openness in any community, and not sure it was a compliment, because I can’t help but stand for transparency and accountability, and so far it has cost me everything, and I’m not sure it’s worth it. I mean, I know it is. But I wish it hurt less and I had more understanding and acceptance, at least some willingness for it, from those close to me, for a change. Cause I’m witnessing my strategy changing into the avoidance of conflict or even relationships for that matter, because of how it always reveals how little my closest care about finding the truth or bridging our perspectives, and how much about winning over at any cost (and since I don’t give a shit about winning and would never stoop to fighting unfairly, that means at my expense; and I’ve simply run out of mana to pay to keep paying for it). And seeing it through since early childhood has definitely made me a philosopher, but I would’ve traded it for simply being happy any day of the week.
Probably the most powerful video I've ever watched. This goes deep for a lot of us here, I'm sure, and awakens me in particular to a lot of the stories I have been telling myself without realizing it, and educates me on how to acquire a skillset to help me be a better, more mature, and more authentic human being.
The is potentially the most valuable relationship/intimacy video I have ever seen in my entire life. I have been studying these topics specifically for the last eight years at this point, and this is just the most clear/concise description of how authenticity (or lack thereof) affects intimacy. Thank you so much for making this video. In this moment, it feels like it has changed my life. I sure hope I can remember to watch it over and over again lol. Thank you!
This video was deeply impactful for me. Your language and cadence was perfect for me to absorb while listening and going about my errands instead of distracting my mind with foolishness or entertainment. Thank you and you got a new subscriber!
You are incredible. Thank you for the clarity, simplicity and objectivity with which you share your knowledge and point of view. It’s so rare in this space and beautiful to watch content with such high intrinsic value. I’m really inspired by you and grateful for every single video you’ve shared with us
wow, hot new heidi drop! I love the visual. As a neurotic individual, I've always believed that there's a vast network of unseen and difficult-to-mindmap network of truths and contingencies when it comes to strong and deep connection, and it goes to show how much both courage and comprehension and honesty goes into navigating pursuit of real authentic intimacy. I would add a side branch from rejection and possibly elsewhere a section for grief, it feels like an important biproduct or element to the flow chart, and how a lack thereof possibly creates mental dissonance or painful confusion/feeling stuck/ looping back to learned ego defense thanks for sharing your knowledge and work!
Thank you so much for this. This is a wonderful explanation of how to develop intimacy. I'm learning about self-abandonment and this video is such a big help. My childhood trauma which had led me to be a people pleaser has meant I have not developed real intimacy and this is a brilliant explanation of why. Thank you again.
Thank you so much for this, and for all the work you put into all your videos. Every video, you put so much effort into ensuring your explanations make both logical and emotional sense. I think that's why they seem to resonate with so many people (as attested by the comments)--they help make what usually feels like an intractably complex problem into something that feels straightforward, actionable, and worthwhile. (For one thing, you helped me to figure out what it was I need from a therapist, and while I still have a lot of work to do, I will always be grateful to you for that. I am so much closer now to my friends, my brothers, and myself than I ever allowed myself to feel I could be.) :)
wow. exactly the video I needed to see. gives me courage to be more authentic because I want genuine intimacy. and more real relationships. the piece about adopting world view blew my mind. i know we all adopt stories about ourselves from childhood, but it just really struck me hearing it this time. and how i tend to do that all the time in order to have connection with others. amazing video. so fucking insightful. truly grateful for this content
Thanks for this video, Heidi! Also thanks for putting in a flow chart visual to go along with the video, as it helps really get where you're going with these concepts! The noticing dissent piece being separate from right and wrong (18:11) was also eye opening for me!
This was extremely helpful to me. I’ve been in a situation for a while where self abandonment has been unavoidable. While doing personal work on myself I have had to learn some of these things on my own but I feel like this reaffirms what I need to do and gives me more tools and knowledge to move forward in a healthy way. Thank you.
Great Video. I wished I heared all of that before. I was the insecure part in a relationship and resolved most conflicts by taking the side of the avoidant partner and not being true to myself. Now I understand my own patterns. Thank you so much for sharing!
Spot on Heidi, Clear, concise and compassionate insight and advice around the conflict hub that scares us from authenticity. You genuinely help me grow. Thank you
heidi you seriously need to write a book, you would be a best seller with your amazing way of communicating and giving such depth to every topic you brace. your videos have helped so many people and have been such a big part of my journey to self acceptance and addressing my personal issues. thank you.
One thing that I have struggled with my entire life is that I don't think the way I love is wrong. I have always been extremely considerate of my partner, and not understood why absolutely nobody else can reciprocate and do the same, because if they could we would be just fine together. And I guess there's a terminology disconnect there, because that's what people have always called people pleasing for me, they always say that the problem is I'm "too nice", and that argument fills me with an anger too intense to describe.
Thank you so much for creating this content, Heidi! I am really looking forward to this month's content (I am also slowly chewing through your earlier videos.) At the same time I am using The Artist's Way and journalling to help me process all of this content and recover myself. My husband and I both have abandonment issues from our childhoods, so definitely we are anxious/avoidant with each other. I have ghosted my presence in my own life. I am trying to recover presence and self trust. This video felt made just for me because it was so spot on. Ego response (vs humility and acceptance of subjective truth) descibes every argument's flash point with my husband. Arguments to him are zero-sum debates, bring all facts and correct definitions or he discredits the witness. Anything I say is cross examined for holes. I am doubted as soon as I use my voice to him. So our relationship is only transactional. This month's content is going to kick my ass. But I need this. Can I ask for you to consider some content? I thought empathy was my super-power. Trying to understand others' feelings in my youth both kept me safe, and helped me explain their actions to myself so I could try to see the best in them in order to forgive them. But I now think i was creating stories to tell myself to keep myself safe. Engaging with others, risks my getting rejected. These were fantasies of connection. Not real connection from being curious, seeing them, and vulnerably being seen. To understand my next thought puzzle, here is the story that launched me into examining it. I just saw a video of a girl who has a prosthetic leg. She was approached by someone who seemed curious at first about her experiences, but then he took over, speaking for her to describe what she must have gone through, what that must have been like, and then commended her for overcoming her challenges. He created her entire story. She was flabbergasted. She had barely spoke! He was rude; she was unseen. She wanted a term for what he had just done. "Mansplaining" wasn't it. So what fit? Someone else said in comments "ableistsplaining," or something close to that. But another commenter said "pre-empathy." I love this term. Empathy before or without real curiosity and real connection. It is a fantasy emotional connection based on an understanding of a fictional other person. Sorry, long ramble. But what that led me to is seeing that i pre-empathize all the time. (Not usually directly to the other, though.) Like people-pleasing, it prevents intimacy. Ok, so here is what I am wondering: is empathy necessary and healthy? Or is empathy an invasion of privacy that is none of my business? If empathy is healthy, what does it look like? Pre-empathy, well if it's that, it seems I am doing it wrong (even if I sometimes can guess the story correctly, it's creepy for the other person to experience that). Other random related thought, I am reading Coraline. Neil Gaiman does not ever tell what the characters are feeling to explain their reactions and actions. He describes the looks on their faces, and observable details. He leaves the subjective out. My thinking, fills in all the gaps for explaining emotional motives. But is the surface observation how Gaiman and other people usually experience the world? Is my empathy extraneous? Thinking like this gets into boundary work. I have never had a strong sense of where i end and others begin. My emotional feelers are always out to try to empathize. It can be intense and exhausting. How do I recognize in relationships what is a healthy distance? How can I trust others, and live and let live? I need to recenter myself, but I have no healthy model for what that looks like. I think you will understand how all of that connected and what I mean. Your thoughts?
This is brilliant and so perfectly timed. I’m at a place in my healing where I know who I can and can’t practice this with. Thank you for another great video!
"be yourself" is such simple advice that everyone gives as advice on finding relationships. This approach has led me to recognize the fear I have when connecting with new people, and how I compensate for that fear. This video fills in the gaps that I was having trouble understanding. It IS scary to forge new relationships and open yourself up to conflict, but now I see that conflict is a necessary step and shouldn't be avoided as long as both individuals are being true to themselves. I'd love some videos on attachment styles and when to recognize them influencing your reactions to conflict
When I was growing up, I learned very early on that the (very religious) adults in my life liked me if I was a particular way, and were ashamed and distant and angry if started to do/express things differently. I love them and think they were good people who sacrificed a lot for myself and my siblings, but I’ve honestly found I do not know how to have any genuine, non-“people-pleasing” relationships with anyone. Genuinely care about other people and feel like I understand them well, but I have an incredibly difficult time not just reflecting back what I believe they want, even ironically if that’s acting like someone who “doesn’t care” what other people want. Don’t want to be a liar, and I hate feeling that people I care about deeply don’t know me at all, but genuinely even when I make an effort to “be myself” and not people-please, I really can’t separate what other people want and what I want. Just feel very unsafe if the other person isn’t wow’d and won over. If someone isn’t impressed and happy with me, I feel like a failure and worthless. Need to figure out how to detach my self-worth from the feedback of the people around me to have more genuine relationships at least when I feel safe to, and how to understand what I want and have that matter to me in a way where even understanding what other people want out of me won’t cause me to override my own desires and intentions, not to be selfish but just to be healthy and genuine and a better friend/partner and to see a future for myself I can actually care about.
Heidi gives us all a glimpse of light in a world of darkness. I’m in love with your work ❤ (and thank you for all the marvelous resources you’ve given me and my partner)
This video resonates with me. I know I am a people pleaser, but it's interesting looking back at times where I have assented and dissented. The latter definitely feels more stressful, but like you said, high risk high reward. I think there are also times where I have assented to peer pressure, and ultimately I don't take back those decisions, but I would do it being more consciously aware of the lack of intimacy. (And I hope there will be times where this video gives me the strength to dissent honestly)
I really connected to this video - it's currently part of my journey as someone who has been fearful about showing the real me during my life and marriage. I deeply feel that better intimacy has only started to happen after committing to greater honesty - still a work in progress but I really want more of this change!
I love your work! I always watch Dr. K or one of your videos before going to therapy, so I always have something I would like to improv and grow. Keep it up!
What I like about your way of explaining things is that you simplify the subject enough for emotionally stunted people like me to reason the problems and generate a better response later. I'll genuinely try and be honest and emotional if it is a method.
Thank you Heidi, this video (among a lot of things) helped me realise something about my last relationship. He, like anyone, had opinions I didn’t agree with and I would voice them to him. I can see now that he was not interested in a collaboration of minds. His end goal was always to be right and maintain his beliefs to be exactly as they were when we met, and because of that he’d get defensive and make me feel like a cruel person for attacking his interests. This video has put into perspective that I was attempting this honest conflict. I have had a difficult time building relationships in any capacity ever since being with him because he subconsciously taught me that the honest conflict described in this video is cruel and conceited behaviour. Looking forward to rebuilding that back up now ❤️
“There is never a route to intimacy that includes self abandonment or people pleasing.” I love that
I mean, I don't people, please my job Is something I take Seriously because my other Job is that the Government pays for my house And I get to take care Of my crew also I have a lawer for Girlfriend who is a very expensive lawyer
😢😢😢😢
I just feel for all those people who are sacrificing themselves for others 😢
Yes. Wow. At 13:20. I backed up to relisten to that a few times, that is so profound. I will put it in practice starting today.
@@morgandelarmes5211enjoy your life among wolves
An underrated element of secure relationships is that, once you are no longer neurotically pleasing your partner to keep them in the relationship, you then get to anticipate and meet your partners wants/needs in a normal and cute way. Simple shit like starting their car on a cold day. It’s so hard to see and feel the love in small things like that when you’re doing them out of fear.
Your whole statement is nothing but hairsplitting, word parsing and gaslighting.
What a wonderful insight!
@@CaesarConsuloProVitayou just said nothing
@@Steven-zt6rs Non sense ad absurdum et ad nauseam….in fact I have shined the light of day….on the crux of all modern self help/relationship advice-Coaching-Cyber Complex. You just don’t like it. I stand by what I have said. You’re just going to have to live with it.
@@CaesarConsuloProVita what's wrong with what OP said?
people-pleasing = parent-pleasing
it comes from early childhood when we couldn't be ourselves but had to be what our parents wanted or needed. we had to please them to survive. this carries into adulthood and gets generalized into 'people-pleasing' because of that early template that was formed ('this is what i must do to survive. people won't love me unless i make them happy.')
"kids of narcissists learn that not taking care of people's needs is wrong." - Mel Robbins
I can relate. I feel like I have to always give ppl some sort of value. If not, I feel like I am not worthy of their time. Any ways that you can stay authentic to yourself?
@@I-am-MyOwnFlashlightso what is wrong with this? It sounds like you are doing exceptionally at your JOB. How does this become something you need to unlearn?
This is why I feel all teenagers should rebel and reset the ownership of their actions going forward. Parents need to allow their offspring to reject all their teachings, removing parental blame as the offspring moves into adulthood.
I agree with your comment and I would also add that certain personality types are more prone to the people pleasing trap
People Pleasing can also harm the trust you have in a relationship. I discovered my now ex-wife was people pleaser when I discovered that she would agree to do things, that she didn't want to do, then feel resentful for agreeing to do it. Over time I stopped asking her to do anything, because I couldn't trust that she would tell me the truth.
I have someone who I thought was a close friend who was/is the same way. I realize now I was projecting onto that relationship; the nanosecond I was no longer their business partner I literally simply didn't exist to them; it was a devastating discard. We have since reconciled in a manner of speaking but when they offer to hang out I will just let them come to me. I don't want to create what I think are cherished memories and then find out weeks or months later that they resent the time spent together and/or were just using me to avoid something else.
Thank you for sharing.
I believe I may be doing this to my boyfriend, and I'm only recently realizing just how unfair it is. It's building a lot of resentment in me, and it's been subconsciously causing a lot of arguments this past week or so.
May I ask how you would have liked your ex wife to approach the situations she didn't want to engage in? I struggle with understanding the gap between how differently men and women think, so I don't know if just being direct is the way to go or if I'm overthinking it. And honestly, I'm not even sure what I'm afraid will happen if I disagree with him.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you're doing well these days, OP.
I had a breakthrough moment a few days ago where I was able to look at myself and say “stop keeping your mouth shut. Stop going along.” I was high on gummies and had this whole plan for enjoying a nice shower while my partner was eating his ice cream. My partner followed me into the shower and tried to get frisky. I wasn’t having it and he was confused. Eventually I said I just want to take my shower, can you leave? He said he was sorry. I said I’m gonna need more than that (we had talked a few weeks ago about what I need for an effective apology). He said okay and left. I took my shower and my vibe was kind of messed up but I tried to enjoy it. I thought about it. Then I tried to think about his perspective. I realized that I never had actually told him what my plan was and I had never told him that I’m uncomfortable when he starts something without asking me (we’ve done shower stuff many times in the past). So I was like oh…this is a moment where I need to recognize this is a boundary for me and explain my feelings without judgment. So I did. I came out of the bathroom and said, actually I don’t need an apology from you. I explained what he did and how it made me feel and I said I don’t want you following me into the shower anymore unless you ask first. So I guess that’s more of an expectation. He was like wow, I had no idea. And I was like I know. For the first time I was able to understand that I had never first explained my boundary before getting mad about being invaded. I guess I just felt like it was obvious because my ego or something was screaming at me like Hello?! This is obvious! But it’s not. I’m heartbroken for all the times I’ve ignored and abandoned my inner child. I did that. This is the first huge milestone for healing.
Wow, so illustrative of this intimacy model at work. Thank you for sharing this. And good luck on your journey
What a perfect example, thanks so much for sharing!
A little communication and self awareness goes a long way. Good job!
In a way, your perspective makes sense. It is how you feel about it. However, it’s different from mine as a man; it almost sounds like you are saying he needs to ask permission for a specific time or place before he’s able to have physical intimacy with you, which is a huge relationship killer.
Men and women are different, despite the political correctness train. It doesn’t mean that either of us is necessarily bad, just different. A big problem comes when we think the love needs of our partner are foolish or stupid or not as important as ours are because they are different than our needs.
I know this from personal experience, when a man has to jump through hoops, or be a good boy, or say or do the right things, or mind read to get his needs met, your relationship takes a downward turn quickly. Then, when you are feeling unloved and empty, your woman wants you to spend more time with her and not have physical intimacy, so that she just ‘feels good,’ which drains you even further.
Then she will also criticize these needs or desires you have as being a crazy, irrational male, chauvinistic, or abusing women, or all kinds of guilt, shaming and mind games.
Both of your love needs are equally important, and when they get off balanced things fall apart.
If you truly love him, you will work to balance both of your needs in this area and be careful that you don’t push him away. Otherwise, he is going to start resenting you if he doesn’t already. He is probably hurting, but he doesn’t want to tell you.
Men and women have different organs and hormone levels, as well as physical and emotional needs on a spectrum. This is not just a man being a pig, or not caring about women, it’s a man saying that if you make sex and physical intimacy a “treat” or a bonus, or a nice thing, “once in a while,” it will destroy your relationship.
If it were me, as the man, what would have been better, would be for you to tell him how you feel, and then say you were tired at this time and offer a different time later that same day to be physically intimate. Then you approach him later - even in a sultry way - that will build passion and desire.
That way, he knows you’re not rejecting him and you still do care deeply about him and your relationship.
For most men, sex creates connection, but for many women, it follows connection. It’s like a feedback loop or a circle where each affects the other.
Both of you have a love needs tank, and if it gets too low, you can’t give each other what the other needs because you are starving.
All that to say good for you to speak how you’re feeling rather than suppress it. I was raised with that programming and have been working to overcome it, but have been in relationship with someone who just railroads boundaries and doesn’t really care about what I want, and when I speak up, it gets stomped down. Of course, this really destroys your relationship.
PS (sorry it’s getting verbose): I reread the beginning, and just thought of one more thing : when he apologized, and then you rejected his apology and said it needed to ‘be a different way,’ - your way.
That is a land mine. It’s his apology and if it’s from the heart you need to accept it. Don’t micromanage HOW he apologizes or thinks. That is extremely invalidating and disrespectful to him.
How would you feel if you made a mistake and you told him “I’m sorry”, and he told you, “no you’re not, I don’t believe you! I want you to say these five words, and stand over there with this tone of voice and a huge checklist… “ when you simply want to apologize?”
this is another way relationships are destroyed and I know this from personal experience.
You didn’t tell him what you were planning to do, nor how you felt. He had no idea. Then when he wanted to be intimate, you rebuffed him and criticized him for apologizing “the wrong way.” You guilted, shamed, and disrespected him as a man. As a person.
Next time if you have a specific plan, say hey I’m gonna take a shower , but I’m tired and want to do it alone or something to let him know.
Maybe there are subtle hints and cues that women might understand, but a man will not understand unless you just say it. We don’t like to play games or guilt or beat around the bush with stupid stuff. It is loving and kind to let him know what you’re thinking and to let him know that you love him and are glad to be with him.
All these thoughts are from the heart. In the past, I would never speak my mind like this, because the people pleaser doesn’t wanna rock the boat ! but it is part of my growth journey.
sometimes men and women butt heads over stupid things, and they escalate into big arguments, when deep down we really want love and connection even if it’s in different ways. ❤
@@mokyan7 I’m sorry to hear about your relationship. You deserve to be with someone who listens to your needs and respects you. Be careful about how to use your words. They project your own thoughts and desires. He is very happy with me and tells me how he feels. This was not a matter of killing intimacy, although that’s important as well. This was a matter of learning to recognize my feelings and using my assertive voice.
You're some kinda genius I think. I have never before heard the concept of intimacy explained so well. Some people spend a lifetime re-learning these skills because they were never modeled by caregivers. And here they are in a 23 min download. I hope you know you are helping change the world. I remain in awe of, and in gratitude for, the gifts you share here.
Second this. I am genuinely excited to live in a world where so many of us are recognising through videos like these who/what/how we want to be in the world and are willing to change for it.
Agree. So grateful ❤❤❤
Ditto to your comments!!!
I agree to disagree.
Agreed!!! Omg you need to be on the Today Show every morning, on the NYTimes bestselling books list, on PBS, giving Ted Talks.
Sometimes we're so desperate to get along with someone that we fake an entire personality just to not be excluded or rejected. The better approach is to be yourself and find people who embrace differences and make being alone just as good as any other option.
my borderline personality disorder says hi.
Not me pressing the "Share" button and looking for the option that sends this video back in time to 20-year-old me with a note saying "watch this once a week until you stop avoiding intimacy" 😅
THIS!
I thought the exact same thing 😅
Just sent it to my son and niece and nephew... wouldn't it be wonderful to stop the people pleasing for their generation.
People pleasing is how to be "close" to narcissists. Normal people don't like it
This is so true
Yikes. Sadly true.
I’m a simple man. I see a Heidi Priebe video. I like it. This woman is a gift.
I am not a simple man at all, but I could not agree with you more.😊
Great example for a parasocial relationship.
Stop People-Pleasing bro. …I kid I kid! Haha
That's not you being a simple man. That's you being a simp
I realised yesterday that I spent my entire childhood trying to reassure my mom. Only to realise that she not only didn't notice, but she also refused point blank to do the same for me. I literally could have destroyed myself and she would just ignore me. Finally understand why I'm chasing unavailable people!
Boom
you read my mind 😢
In my relationship with my wife. We had argument about a text. She asked me to do something and I did it and responded. The problem was what I did was not really what she was asking me to do. So when she got home a big fight. I felt she 100% wrong and she felt I was 100% wrong. So I told her we are both right. I explained that in my perception I read that text my way and correctly. That her perception she wrote the text in her way she too did so correctly. Both of our experiences are valid. Sure it lead to screw up but the screw up isn't as important as that fact that we both experienced that text exchange differently. In the end text really isn't a good communication tool for something important as texting is missing 1/2 the conversation. There is voice tone and body language missing.
What I found in the argument was just validating my wife's experience as different than mine equally helped a lot. I could have gone people pleasing and agreed with her about that her experience was only valid one but that would lead to resentment in long run.
Watched this a this example just popped into mind.
Lone Wolf -Vietnam Veteran -Widower (34 Years of flourishing) here. Beautifully presented Truths herein and Thank You. Out.
❤
You deserve the heart too!@@crunchysscorpion
It’s going to sound sappy, but I was greeted returning from overseas in a positive way. My understanding is most Vietnam vets were NOT treated well upon returning stateside…welcome home. Thank you for your service. ❤
You have distilled my entire relational history into a 23 minute video, lol. Wow. These days with some recovery under my belt, I find pseudo intimacy to be tremendously unsatisfying. Now comes the hard part, developing skills, learning how to navigate conflict rather than avoid it, and tapping into self-awareness to recognize when my boundaries are being violated.
Hard same. But understanding this about yourself is already progress, so yay!
This is some sort of a strange limbo for me - not yet being able to live healthier, yet at the same time realizing full well that I really can't go back to the way I was, to my old behaviours and old relationships 😅
same. I'm now at a stage where I have enough self-worth to not find ppl pleasing satisfying for more than a moment, and in touch with myself enough to know I'm not satisfied, if not in the moment then at least shortly afterward.
but I'm very afraid of conflict (pry as afraid of my emotions getting out of control generally), and very few ppl would work hard enough to signal that it's safe to have conflict w them/that they like me regardless.
so I'm mostly avoiding all connection but my psychoanalyst and a co-counseling friend (who's a therapist) who rly went out of the way early on to convince me it's okay to be real with her.
at this point I'm kinda okay with little shame/high trust, will be open and active in various online spaces or at times even trying irl events, so there will even be candidates for connection that seem interested.. and I just went thru 3-4 of those over the past two weeks doing a long talk/walk, falling a bit into ppl pleasing, doing a bit of therapy and listening and validation on them that I'm good at, not having my needs met, not feeling like seeing them again.
I dunno what's the way out, continuing getting some corrective experiences in therapy, mb vulnerability-focused spaces, working on the core fears around tolerating feelings and rejections and such.
But I don't see relationships working out with me in my current state unless I find somebody special who's a therapist personality enough to lure me out of my shell.
Remember that a boundary you don’t set is not the same as a violation. Letting go of the self righteousness and control of not sharing your needs so you can punish them and self-justify keeping your distance, is a huge part of allowing the other person to see the real you so they can show you the other half of intimacy
Real intimacy happens when we stay connected to ourselves...so simple, and yet so profound! Really excited to see a new video from you!
This video is right on time. I'm struggling with this with a partner. I'm very open about my boundaries and what I'm unable to do/give/, so this behavior puzzles me. However, my partner will say/do/think whatever they believe I'm thinking to draw us closer. If I ask them for a favor and it's out of their bandwidth, they will still do it and harbor secret resentment/passive aggression that they're "working so hard for this relationship", when I gave them the option to refuse. It's confusing and hurtful because obviously, they fear being abandoned/the relationship ending. I want them to know it's okay to be disagreed with, even in a relationship. I'm willing to work on the relationship but it isn't easy when there are constantly different versions of the truth and expectations. Thank you!
Is this person in therapy too?
How would you use this model of intimacy to approach this issue with your partner?
I'm separating right now with a 2.5yo and a 6mo kids. No need to say how painful and difficult this is. I was having precisely this problem. And it won't stop after separation as she is a pleasing mother, which makes early education for my children more difficult for me. I truly wish you luck and all the best.
It is really hard to understand that you may have contributed to lack of true intimacy as much as an avoidant partner.
Thanks for this excellent video Heidi. We must dare to face reality, even it is so hard!
I stumbled upon your channel in December 2023 & it completely changed my life. I listened & re-listened to you every day for hours & hours for 6 weeks straight, soaking in everything and transforming myself from the inside out. I cannot express what a difference you have made for me and my relationships, including those with my partner and my children. I have shared your videos with my friends and talk about your videos to anyone who will listen.
I am definitely becoming more healthy & secure every day. I had never heard of co-regulation or self-regulation before and had no idea what to do with my giant emotions. I didn't know how to use them or how to control my reactions to them. I didn't understand before why my relationship felt so off-kilter or how to fix myself. I felt so broken! But, your way of presenting these concepts made me finally grasp it all! How could you understand me better than I understood myself? It was just one epiphany after another.
And now when I find myself struggling with old patterns, ruminating, and wondering how to get my feet back on solid ground, I return and listen again and again. I just wished there were more videos because I have listened to everything so many times already!
And then you posted yesterday and it was exactly the message I needed to hear! Thank you for returning. You are changing lives, Heidi! I never ever write UA-cam comments, but I can't hold this in. This is my favorite channel hands down and I will be hungrily awaiting for more because I never get tired of hearing your voice & message.
I can't afford "therapy" per se, but even if I could, I would still prioritize listening to your content, as it is the highest quality therapy that I can imagine.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
~Melanie
I just started dating again after a six year break from doing it and I'm immediately recognizing how quick and willing I am to self-abandon. This series of videos will be very helpful to me and my future partners. Thank you.
I'm in a very similar situation. I hope you can find the balance you need and can start finding your happiness!
The more security we earn, the more flexibility and freedom we have in our thinking!!
If we can't be honest with someone, we cannot have true intimacy with them!!
So true! Amazing!
I agree. Do you remember that wonderful scene in Dirty Dancing where Johny tried to teach Baby how to dance and she kept falling into his arms. He stopped and explained that he had a dance space, and she had a dance space, and how each needed their dance spaces, near but not intersecting. Yes, honest conflict fought fairly, not unfairly, helps build intimacy that allows each person their own dance space without being stepped upon, or kicked-out of the dance hall. Honest and fairly worked conflict maintains a magic and interest in discovery. Many people who act like people-pleasers do this because they face an internal conflict. They want to be in the room but fear getting stomped for being too different. This is part of why true and rewarding intimacy can require a long and careful time to develop. Remember, how do porcupines make love? Very carefully. Yes, conflict can build energy, but only if it is honest and handled fairly does it turn into a conversation instead of an emotional war.
❤ I've watched the majority of your video's over the last months, just finished one and there you are again. Thank you Heidi for sharing everything you know and learned with us, you're making such a positive impact on so many lives in such a unique way. Congratulations on your beautiful channel & community, I'm glad and thankful to be part of it.
Let me share something. I had been craving for this moment when my relationship would change. I had always thought the change should be from my husband but, after I watched this video, everything changed. This video opened my eyes. I started crying after the first 5 minutes, when I related to it completely and could understand why I was unhappy. I have a history of people pleasing as a child and I knew I was in a pattern, but you showed me the effect of this in my relationship. Then I understood why I did so many bad things to him and to myself. I've been a new person ever since. Thank you for this.❤
I feel like this is also true of friendships. I think about this video i saw where these old ladies who were lifetime best friend would always pick on one another but it was always from a place of love and humor. They were both secure with themselves and their differences was something they could laugh about.
Ok waaaaait....( ! ) As of 1:27 in this vid, you have entirely corrected the (unhelpful, as you say) frame of reference for understanding myself more accurately. As well as single-handedly connected all the dots to every other video that resonates with me about everything from; where I stall in business relationships/negotiations/employees, to what putting my own self care first, etc. Incredible. Thank you....
Ok, continue.... 😏 🙏🏼
This video is so helpful. Not to me unfortunalely. I'm just out of a relationship where the other had no trouble expressing when they're not happy, but only by getting furious and out of constructive discussion. And it was the same when I expressed any criticism even for minor things.
I tried my best to talk through issues but it always ended in open arguments. And now it's over, yet I always had the best intentions.
Relationships are hard 😞
It was towards the end of the video that I just got the central point of what you are saying - "intimacy cannot exist where self abandonment is occurring". There is another way of thinking about this that I came across whilst studying the works of RD Laing - "the people who are most closely connected with others are those who are most separated from others" (paraphrase). Laing identified how opening up too much is wrong and leads to engulfment which leads to collapse. Its a paradox, being less connected and having barriers means being more whole and more real and more stable and in turn that leads to the possibility of real relationship.
Heidi's work awe-inspiring. I'm constantly watching and rewatching her videos because every one of them teaches me something new. As a psychologist (who wrote part of my doctoral dissertation on attachment theory), I have recommended Heidi Priebe's channel more times than I can count to the people who've entrusted themselves to my care because her ability to synthesize and communicate this information in practical and life-giving ways is *remarkable.* And, frankly, her talent far exceeds my ability to do the same.
Heidi, thank you for sharing your knowledge and your incredible gift for teaching with the world.
I'm in LA, so there are many individuals I run into as friends who aren't able to be trusted in this way. If they say something political during normal business conversation (often reactive, conspiratorial thinking with heavy emotional and ego investment), you could offer a better viewpoint. But they often take that as an invitation to lash out, intending professional consequences. You don't want to be known as "the guy who doesn't go along with [whatever nonsense or lie]", you have your own creative journey to live, so you end up being quiet, and shaping the relationship so that problem person doesn't have more leverage to harm you. It's a weird dynamic where the crazies are the most vocal
I know what you mean. I cope by seeing those types as devoutly religious - even though that's never how they'd identify themselves. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but some people can't keep personal and business/acquaintance relationships separate, and only want to interact with those who 100% share their opinions. It's weird to me, but that's their prerogative.
Just know there are many, many people out there who you can work with who CAN tolerate hearing your true thoughts, even if they disagree - but you'll only make space for them in your life if you stop abandoning yourself to stay in the "good enough" friendship/career/city.
My grandma has this great phrase, she says “I’m not going there” or “I’m not going to go there” maybe you can start saying that, it sets a boundary about what your willing to talk about but also doesn’t give away your (potentially) conflicting opinion.
Yup, I needed to hear this today. I'm currently staying in connection with someone that I haven't fully healed from yet and part of me knows I just need space from, but that means taking the risk of saddening them, drifting apart, or losing out on whatever positive interactions might be in store in the near future. This video reminds me that I'd really only be missing out on pseudo-intimacy anyway as I can feel myself masking and self-abandoning in order to stay in connection atm. This channel is right up there with the most profound resources I've encountered for navigating life and healing, there's already enough material on it to last a lifetime. Thanks Heidi, I'm sure I'll be recommending your channel for as long as the Internet exists xD
In a nutshell, you completely explained why the recent relationship I was in just ended. Thank you so much! It’s still fresh in my thoughts and now I can relate to what happened. I knew my partner was people-pleasing me, but I did not know how to show up. It felt fake, like I was living in a lie and I kept thinking something was wrong with me for having resistance. The verbal understanding of reward vs risk is now in my toolbox and pseudo-intimacy is my new favorite word!!
For me, on this topic, I have found that IFS has been incredibly helpful and easy to understand." No bad parts."
22:45 That feeling of abandoning myself in the moment use to feel like a flood that I had no control over due to the fear of how I might be rejected or how they might treat me if I were to express my thoughts. After three years of putting in the work of introspection, journaling, shadow-work and watch channels like yours, that feeling to abandoned myself became a realization that I was betraying myself. To betray myself in the moment, is to abandoned my future self.
"Peace comes from honesty, honesty bring peace"
Y'all have a wonderful day.
Thank you for sharing this information. This clarifies so much for me. There were a lot of ego defenses exchanged by my parents during my developmental years. There was so much shame that hovered in my home atmosphere. Being brutally honest was dangerous because no one wanted to be abandoned or rejected. Unfortunately, I became a people-pleaser to counteract my mother's BPD symptoms. This is a real eye-opener.
Sharing dissent with people outside of my close circle is relatively easy for me but I've gone to great lengths to avoid conflict with those close to me. Thank you for helping me to understand why I've been stuck in this self-destructive pattern and showing me that there is a way out.
Thankyou Thankyou Heidi, I have been trying to get my husband to understand this premise for over thirty years of marriage I am so burnt out. He is the most scared people pleaser especially to me. There is just no truth between us and he just keeps going along like it is fine. Now he’s watching this video I can only hope that this will finally show him how he destroys us, he loves me so much but it’s almost like he can’t see past that and it’s all for love, you’re the best Heidi 😊😢
I know I'm not the only one to say this, but your work is a gift. Recently, I felt myself spiraling into limerence again for the first time in years. I was able to notice the signs, and I returned to your videos. They grounded me in reality and empowered me to pull myself out of the situation. You are providing us with truly life-changing information. Thank you!
Spiraling into limerence…I’ll be looking that up as it sounds familiar to me. I agree 💯 about Heidi. Good luck in your situation!
You know when you get that piece of information that brings your puzzle together… this was that video ❤❤❤ thank you 🙏
My ex-wife is a narcissist. She's a child of narcissist parents, and she's a people pleaser. The thing is, she never wanted to please me. She would go out of her way to be the center of attention for everyone else. She was trying to be there for everyone except me. Now, I do take accountability for staying with her as long as I did because I was always chasing her and waiting for my turn. She eventually discarded me and acted as if she never knew me, all in one day, it was wild at the time. She felt she needed to be there for other people who needed her. It was so weird and annoying. Well, after she left, I became happy and peaceful and never felt better. She, on the other hand, has gone downhill fast. She's a miserable person. It's crazy how you see someone you were attached to once you've unattached and become indifferent. You're almost embarrassed to have even known them. She's tried to reach out a bunch of times, and I just ignore her. After she left, I never talked to her ever again.
As usual, this was so powerful and thought-provoking...Thank you, Heidi!
You made my day. In my marriage I almost always am the people-pleaser and abandon myself for avoiding conflict at all costs. In fact I never felt true intimacy accept in limerence. But I never knew, how small it starts. And I remember all these little events and how I used them to adapt to my partner. “If you get along unhurt, use these little learnings …” and wider the gap. That’s what I did. Never had seen it so clear: I’m a dam coward. I always was.
Friend, another way to abandon yourself is to speak poorly of yourself for not knowing then what you are beginning to know now. Instead of calling yourself a coward, consider that you learned to adopt behaviours that ensured your survival in situations you did not feel equipped to navigate with the skills/knowledge you had at the time. But now, you are coming to know. You might find it really helpful to do self-compassion therapy alongside this work, as the perfect companion. Videos all over UA-cam on it, I believe pioneered by Kristen Neff. There are many others though. Walk yourself back home kindly and compassionately.
@@VivianGray88 thanks very much. You were on the point. Also for your good advice. I had a therapy and came across my survival strategy. But it’s hard to turn knowledge into practice. My wife is so much stronger than me. And sill I have high bodyreactions during and before conflicts. Considering have some chemical help there, just to make at least one successful stand. Growing hurts, even when you are a 51 y o child/coward/betamale/imposter
@@thomasalbers6102this beta- alpha discussion that is so much going on these days is just weird. One can be confident without excerting dominance over others. Just learn to accept yourself and grow confidence from that - irrespective of comparison with others.
@@InnocentiusLacrimosa think it’s too late. But I appreciate your advice.
I totally feel the same way. I think you are a strong man to be able to verbalise. And by doing so you helped me and many others
Thank you so much, Heidi. Truly. You've been more help to me than I could ever hope to express. I hope that all of the kindness and compassion that you've sent out into this world will return to you.
This is such an incredibly valuable video, I'm floored and so grateful. Thank you Heidi!
Thank you Heidi! You’ve helped me through quite a few personal things going on in my life. You’re amazing!
Such timing, as I was going through a conflict with a fearful-avoidant. Your videos are a blessing 🌸
I am so glad this video came up in my feed. You’ve explained this much better than any other resource I’ve watched. I have saved this to my list and will rewatch it multiple times as to ensure that I am able to make it a habit. Thank you!
"...in order to stay in connection with other people, we have to be in brutally honest connection with ourselves...when it comes to maintaining intimacy." This was the crescendo that took my breath away. I LOVE the phrase "in brutally honest connection with ourselves." It stirs every ounce of my internal courage to reach for what I really desire. Heidi, although I might not want a flow chart every time because it distracts from the connection your eyes provide to your message, this time, the flow chart was a powerful visual. And again, of course, a flow chart (!) because your ability to take a macro-, mysterious human experience and break it into its most understandable micro-units of meaning is your superpower!
I've been struggling with this my whole life and only recently started practicing being honest because a huge trauma has been resolved for me. Everything you said rang so true within me, thank you so much for putting this out there and I hope more people see it.
I love the nuances and detail that you provide into emotional processing, I watch your videos when I feel depressed lol
This was extremely illuminating. Made me cry at one point as I realised some of the mechanics at work in a previous relationship, and also the desire in myself to please others that I brought to it and how it destroyed much of our intimacy. Thank you!
i have learned so much from your videos over the last 6 months. have been going through a breakup and you have helped me tremendously to navigate some really difficult circumstances and emotions. thank you.
I'm finally in a place in my healing that I can start resolving my fear of abandonment and people-pleasing behaviors. Thank you for addressing and explaining this topic so thoroughly!
Sheesh! You dropped bar after bar in this video! I’ve shared this with my mom, as I found it incredibly helpful. I can’t wait to hear her thoughts on it and we can chat more about it! Your videos always give me the ability to dig a couple layers deeper, so thank you for this!
This video comes so timely in a moment of personal growth. Thank you❤
Heidi, you always blow my mind with these videos. So much truth, but explained so clearly. After watching, I often have to just sit and reflect and integrate all the wisdom for while. Thank you so much, this particular video has answered a lot of questions I've had for a long time. ❤
I feel like this describes how to establish an extremely healthy base in a relationship to resolve conflict, but then stops short of what to do once you get to that place. To say, I’d love for a follow up video. I feel like you actually understand a lot of the very abstract and deep concepts, which feels incredibly rare.
You came to me at such a great time. I appreciate your efforts to make all of us see things and make better choices in life. This video alone created a different path for me now. Lots of love, Heidi.
This is exactly the video I needed today! Your content is amazing. I love how clear and concise you make everything. Thank you for sharing 😊
"Intimacy = emotional co-regulation". 🤯 I had to stop the video right there for 10 minutes to let that sink in. Very little of my previous relationships (parents/friends/partners) stands out to me as authentic manifestations of such a concept. I'm not a diagnosed avoidant but I do recognize plenty of avoidant behaviors in how I have faced conflicts. Your video is finally waking me up. Thank you.
This is amazing. It’s my first time seeing your channel and I’m really impressed by your ability to put complex topics into simple words. Thank you 🙏
That’s always been my approach. And sadly and traumatically, no one else’s in my life. I’ve been just called a catalyst of openness in any community, and not sure it was a compliment, because I can’t help but stand for transparency and accountability, and so far it has cost me everything, and I’m not sure it’s worth it. I mean, I know it is. But I wish it hurt less and I had more understanding and acceptance, at least some willingness for it, from those close to me, for a change. Cause I’m witnessing my strategy changing into the avoidance of conflict or even relationships for that matter, because of how it always reveals how little my closest care about finding the truth or bridging our perspectives, and how much about winning over at any cost (and since I don’t give a shit about winning and would never stoop to fighting unfairly, that means at my expense; and I’ve simply run out of mana to pay to keep paying for it). And seeing it through since early childhood has definitely made me a philosopher, but I would’ve traded it for simply being happy any day of the week.
There is always so much truth, new information and revelation here. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Divine timing is always on my side. This is EXACTLY where I needed to hear this thank you
Thank you Heidi❤ for all the invaluable information from someone struggling with FA attachment.
Probably the most powerful video I've ever watched. This goes deep for a lot of us here, I'm sure, and awakens me in particular to a lot of the stories I have been telling myself without realizing it, and educates me on how to acquire a skillset to help me be a better, more mature, and more authentic human being.
The is potentially the most valuable relationship/intimacy video I have ever seen in my entire life. I have been studying these topics specifically for the last eight years at this point, and this is just the most clear/concise description of how authenticity (or lack thereof) affects intimacy. Thank you so much for making this video. In this moment, it feels like it has changed my life. I sure hope I can remember to watch it over and over again lol.
Thank you!
This video was deeply impactful for me. Your language and cadence was perfect for me to absorb while listening and going about my errands instead of distracting my mind with foolishness or entertainment. Thank you and you got a new subscriber!
You are incredible. Thank you for the clarity, simplicity and objectivity with which you share your knowledge and point of view. It’s so rare in this space and beautiful to watch content with such high intrinsic value. I’m really inspired by you and grateful for every single video you’ve shared with us
wow, hot new heidi drop! I love the visual. As a neurotic individual, I've always believed that there's a vast network of unseen and difficult-to-mindmap network of truths and contingencies when it comes to strong and deep connection, and it goes to show how much both courage and comprehension and honesty goes into navigating pursuit of real authentic intimacy.
I would add a side branch from rejection and possibly elsewhere a section for grief, it feels like an important biproduct or element to the flow chart, and how a lack thereof possibly creates mental dissonance or painful confusion/feeling stuck/ looping back to learned ego defense
thanks for sharing your knowledge and work!
I love your videos. They helped me to really get to know myself authentically and leave a really unhealthy relationship. ❤ Thank you Heidi!
Thank you so much for this. This is a wonderful explanation of how to develop intimacy. I'm learning about self-abandonment and this video is such a big help. My childhood trauma which had led me to be a people pleaser has meant I have not developed real intimacy and this is a brilliant explanation of why. Thank you again.
Thank you so much for this, and for all the work you put into all your videos. Every video, you put so much effort into ensuring your explanations make both logical and emotional sense. I think that's why they seem to resonate with so many people (as attested by the comments)--they help make what usually feels like an intractably complex problem into something that feels straightforward, actionable, and worthwhile. (For one thing, you helped me to figure out what it was I need from a therapist, and while I still have a lot of work to do, I will always be grateful to you for that. I am so much closer now to my friends, my brothers, and myself than I ever allowed myself to feel I could be.)
:)
wow. exactly the video I needed to see. gives me courage to be more authentic because I want genuine intimacy. and more real relationships. the piece about adopting world view blew my mind. i know we all adopt stories about ourselves from childhood, but it just really struck me hearing it this time. and how i tend to do that all the time in order to have connection with others. amazing video. so fucking insightful. truly grateful for this content
Thanks for this video, Heidi! Also thanks for putting in a flow chart visual to go along with the video, as it helps really get where you're going with these concepts! The noticing dissent piece being separate from right and wrong (18:11) was also eye opening for me!
This was extremely helpful to me. I’ve been in a situation for a while where self abandonment has been unavoidable. While doing personal work on myself I have had to learn some of these things on my own but I feel like this reaffirms what I need to do and gives me more tools and knowledge to move forward in a healthy way. Thank you.
Great Video. I wished I heared all of that before. I was the insecure part in a relationship and resolved most conflicts by taking the side of the avoidant partner and not being true to myself. Now I understand my own patterns. Thank you so much for sharing!
Spot on Heidi, Clear, concise and compassionate insight and advice around the conflict hub that scares us from authenticity. You genuinely help me grow. Thank you
heidi you seriously need to write a book, you would be a best seller with your amazing way of communicating and giving such depth to every topic you brace. your videos have helped so many people and have been such a big part of my journey to self acceptance and addressing my personal issues. thank you.
One thing that I have struggled with my entire life is that I don't think the way I love is wrong. I have always been extremely considerate of my partner, and not understood why absolutely nobody else can reciprocate and do the same, because if they could we would be just fine together.
And I guess there's a terminology disconnect there, because that's what people have always called people pleasing for me, they always say that the problem is I'm "too nice", and that argument fills me with an anger too intense to describe.
Thank you so much thank God for people like you who are educating the collective to learn and build a better authentic self and brighter future 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you so much for creating this content, Heidi! I am really looking forward to this month's content (I am also slowly chewing through your earlier videos.) At the same time I am using The Artist's Way and journalling to help me process all of this content and recover myself.
My husband and I both have abandonment issues from our childhoods, so definitely we are anxious/avoidant with each other. I have ghosted my presence in my own life. I am trying to recover presence and self trust. This video felt made just for me because it was so spot on. Ego response (vs humility and acceptance of subjective truth) descibes every argument's flash point with my husband. Arguments to him are zero-sum debates, bring all facts and correct definitions or he discredits the witness. Anything I say is cross examined for holes. I am doubted as soon as I use my voice to him. So our relationship is only transactional.
This month's content is going to kick my ass. But I need this.
Can I ask for you to consider some content? I thought empathy was my super-power. Trying to understand others' feelings in my youth both kept me safe, and helped me explain their actions to myself so I could try to see the best in them in order to forgive them. But I now think i was creating stories to tell myself to keep myself safe. Engaging with others, risks my getting rejected. These were fantasies of connection. Not real connection from being curious, seeing them, and vulnerably being seen.
To understand my next thought puzzle, here is the story that launched me into examining it. I just saw a video of a girl who has a prosthetic leg. She was approached by someone who seemed curious at first about her experiences, but then he took over, speaking for her to describe what she must have gone through, what that must have been like, and then commended her for overcoming her challenges. He created her entire story. She was flabbergasted. She had barely spoke! He was rude; she was unseen. She wanted a term for what he had just done. "Mansplaining" wasn't it. So what fit? Someone else said in comments "ableistsplaining," or something close to that. But another commenter said "pre-empathy." I love this term. Empathy before or without real curiosity and real connection. It is a fantasy emotional connection based on an understanding of a fictional other person. Sorry, long ramble. But what that led me to is seeing that i pre-empathize all the time. (Not usually directly to the other, though.) Like people-pleasing, it prevents intimacy.
Ok, so here is what I am wondering: is empathy necessary and healthy? Or is empathy an invasion of privacy that is none of my business? If empathy is healthy, what does it look like? Pre-empathy, well if it's that, it seems I am doing it wrong (even if I sometimes can guess the story correctly, it's creepy for the other person to experience that).
Other random related thought, I am reading Coraline. Neil Gaiman does not ever tell what the characters are feeling to explain their reactions and actions. He describes the looks on their faces, and observable details. He leaves the subjective out. My thinking, fills in all the gaps for explaining emotional motives. But is the surface observation how Gaiman and other people usually experience the world? Is my empathy extraneous?
Thinking like this gets into boundary work. I have never had a strong sense of where i end and others begin. My emotional feelers are always out to try to empathize. It can be intense and exhausting. How do I recognize in relationships what is a healthy distance? How can I trust others, and live and let live? I need to recenter myself, but I have no healthy model for what that looks like. I think you will understand how all of that connected and what I mean. Your thoughts?
This is brilliant and so perfectly timed. I’m at a place in my healing where I know who I can and can’t practice this with. Thank you for another great video!
I'm guilty of ego defense. Thank you for putting a label on this
I love that you started to make diagrams! Really helps a lot for more visual learners. Thank you
"be yourself" is such simple advice that everyone gives as advice on finding relationships. This approach has led me to recognize the fear I have when connecting with new people, and how I compensate for that fear.
This video fills in the gaps that I was having trouble understanding. It IS scary to forge new relationships and open yourself up to conflict, but now I see that conflict is a necessary step and shouldn't be avoided as long as both individuals are being true to themselves.
I'd love some videos on attachment styles and when to recognize them influencing your reactions to conflict
Your really really a good teacher and your insight helps me integrate a lot of my healing.
Thank you soo much!
Thank you once again for a great video Heidi! Really want to support the work you do, that has helped me so much!
When I was growing up, I learned very early on that the (very religious) adults in my life liked me if I was a particular way, and were ashamed and distant and angry if started to do/express things differently. I love them and think they were good people who sacrificed a lot for myself and my siblings, but I’ve honestly found I do not know how to have any genuine, non-“people-pleasing” relationships with anyone. Genuinely care about other people and feel like I understand them well, but I have an incredibly difficult time not just reflecting back what I believe they want, even ironically if that’s acting like someone who “doesn’t care” what other people want. Don’t want to be a liar, and I hate feeling that people I care about deeply don’t know me at all, but genuinely even when I make an effort to “be myself” and not people-please, I really can’t separate what other people want and what I want. Just feel very unsafe if the other person isn’t wow’d and won over. If someone isn’t impressed and happy with me, I feel like a failure and worthless. Need to figure out how to detach my self-worth from the feedback of the people around me to have more genuine relationships at least when I feel safe to, and how to understand what I want and have that matter to me in a way where even understanding what other people want out of me won’t cause me to override my own desires and intentions, not to be selfish but just to be healthy and genuine and a better friend/partner and to see a future for myself I can actually care about.
Look at Heidi's Eyes! Omg I can see my soul reflected back and all my life mistakes. Beautiful
Heidi gives us all a glimpse of light in a world of darkness. I’m in love with your work ❤ (and thank you for all the marvelous resources you’ve given me and my partner)
This video resonates with me. I know I am a people pleaser, but it's interesting looking back at times where I have assented and dissented. The latter definitely feels more stressful, but like you said, high risk high reward.
I think there are also times where I have assented to peer pressure, and ultimately I don't take back those decisions, but I would do it being more consciously aware of the lack of intimacy.
(And I hope there will be times where this video gives me the strength to dissent honestly)
Wow, what a beautiful gift you’ve given us in this talk. Very rich content, thank you 🌺
You’re so good at sharing your knowledge about personal development and relationships. One of my favorite channel on this subject!! 👌👌
I really connected to this video - it's currently part of my journey as someone who has been fearful about showing the real me during my life and marriage. I deeply feel that better intimacy has only started to happen after committing to greater honesty - still a work in progress but I really want more of this change!
When I see the notification for a new Heidi Priebe video, I have to look at it ASAP, of course!
Heidi, you are one of the best out there!
So important... and so helpful to me. Love you and your work Heidi!!
I love your work! I always watch Dr. K or one of your videos before going to therapy, so I always have something I would like to improv and grow.
Keep it up!
What I like about your way of explaining things is that you simplify the subject enough for emotionally stunted people like me to reason the problems and generate a better response later. I'll genuinely try and be honest and emotional if it is a method.
Thank you Heidi, this video (among a lot of things) helped me realise something about my last relationship.
He, like anyone, had opinions I didn’t agree with and I would voice them to him. I can see now that he was not interested in a collaboration of minds. His end goal was always to be right and maintain his beliefs to be exactly as they were when we met, and because of that he’d get defensive and make me feel like a cruel person for attacking his interests.
This video has put into perspective that I was attempting this honest conflict. I have had a difficult time building relationships in any capacity ever since being with him because he subconsciously taught me that the honest conflict described in this video is cruel and conceited behaviour. Looking forward to rebuilding that back up now ❤️
So clear and easy to understand and it explains so much about the lack of true connection in my life. Thank you so much for your insight.