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Psychologist and psychotherapist here. That was the best (clear, comprehensive, understandable) description of attachment and attunement I've ever seen. You are an astonishing communicator and I'm so grateful for your work. This is the first of your videos I've seen and I look forward to the rest. Thank you so much for helping me and so many others.
this channel f***ing rocks. I swear to god you are helping us traumatized children get a shot at being normal well adjusted adults. THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS PRICELESS INFORMATION!!!
Omg from personality theory to metaphysics (astrology, tarot, esp in the digital age) you helped me understand why i am so obsessed with trying to understand who a person is without actually going through the risky organic process of getting to know them and letting them get to know me
I can relate. Always looking for the next model of explaining me myself and others. For me it's: when I can figure myself and everyone important out, then I can relax.
Omg 😢 thank you for this quote! I can't even begin to articulate what it even means but it rings so true and makes me feel better about a dynamic I'm in currently. 💖
This explains why so much interaction between not securely attached people is essentially, defensive. We're not trying to understand the other person to meet their need we're just trying to avoid having our own need neglected. I remember being obsessed with personality theory years ago too :). Wanting to have a framework for everything. Feeling that gratification when things "fell into place"... I think it's also what people do these days when they classify other people as having disorders. Or hyperfocus on personality traits like being introverted. If I say I'm an introvert, then it's "ok" to feel x or do y (or not do y), otherwise, it's not ok. Our feelings were not validated by our caregivers, who were not attuned, so we have to find something outside of ourselves, labels, theories...to justify how we feel or don't feel, rather than treating our feelings as valid in themselves. Feelings do not need theories to be valid.
I was also obsessed with personality theory! I loveddd to classify others. It made me 'understand them' without actually converting or getting to know them. I would just type them rashly and believe I had them all figured out. In reality, I was being really weird and alienating everyone. I remember hardly getting along with coworkers because we simply weren't 'compatible' types. And yes, if you identified as an introvert, then it was okay if you completely kept to yourself and had difficulty making new friends or maintaining healthy relationships. Crazy to see now that I felt that way because my life lacked intimacy with others.
@@linds1233I think I was interested because It was genuinely interesting. (I also love solving crossword puzzles). When I started to lose interest, I can't pinpoint a time, but I think it was around noticing people were using personality type to justify behaviour, or to separate themselves from their behaviour, like "I am INFJ therefore I am always sensitive to others or empathetic". Not necessarily, you could be really selfish or unkind and have any personality type, or "I'm insensitive or I always say what I think without caring what people feel and it's because I have a xNTx personality type", no, your personality type doesn't make you a d*ck. It's the same with attachment style, people use it as a justification for behaviour rather than looking at the impact of what they're doing. "oh I didn't leave the relationship but I'm anxious attached", "oh I checked out, I'm avoidant", "they checked out/ didn't give me what I wanted so they must avoidant", we're just using all these labels to place ourselves in competing categories, like shields. "I'm an introvert, that's why I ignore texts". When we act badly towards others or towards ourselves, rather than being accountable for what we do, we find a label, even better if that label automatically absolves us (makes us the 'good guy') based on current social trends. And yeah it's crazy to think how much we justify. I have the benefit of life slapping me in the face enough times to have to go (to myself) ok you know what, whatever you call this, call it whatever you like, but the fact is, it ain't working for you. It doesn't matter what my attachment style is, if I'm extroverted, introverted, empathic, not empathic....if it ain't working, it ain't working. I can call myself the good guy or the bad guy or call other people good guys or bad guys, but it doesn't change the outcomes. If the outcomes aren't good or I'm not happy with the outcomes, it doesn't matter who's what, or what I think I am or don't think I am.
So true! Also I feel like, other than caregivers, the society is also constantly judging and traumatizing people. Take your introvert example, many feel so judged at workplace if they are not naturally social or outgoing. So we almost have to find an excuse for us to be ok to be who we are by depending on personality types.
Wow, Heidi, as a lawyer and survivor of CPTSD, I'm blown away by your ability to present this topic in a nonjudgmental way, incorporating many different aspects of mental health recovery and showing positive steps for growth. Many of us survivors struggle every day (actually every moment) as we parent our children and strive for healthy adult relationships with friends and lovers. You rock!!!!
Caroline Winkler came out with a video called “Psychotic dating advice that changed my life” and one of the tips she gave was that, if you’re someone who has trouble being authentic on dates, go on them pretending it was guaranteed the person would reject you at the end, not in that you assume they won’t like you or go in with a negative attitude or approach or try to repel the other person, but a detached approach, meaning, you eradicate any scripts or attachments to outcomes of the person liking you, because you’re pretending it’s guaranteed they won’t. In this way, you can make the focus truly being authentic, and not trying to make the person like you or have an interaction go a certain way, which allows you to actually be more present with the other person, since you’re not overly concerned with how you are coming across. I love that video and her channel, thank you once again for another banger of a video Heidi! 🎉
I find this script problematic. What if the date starts actually liking you?? Then you are in dissonance with the reality and the technique you followed in order to be authentic
@@Freyr94 Not really. In that scenario it would be more of a pleasant surprise that can be acted on accordingly. I would also recommend checking out the specific video; she does a lot better justice to the concept than I did in this comment. Anyway, you don't need to use it if it doesn't resonate with you. I just happened to really like it!
@@melodyelena I remember this one. caroline ftw. It's very similar to what I did when I found my forever-dude: I went on dozens of dates with the strict caveat that it was coffee only and they knew from the outset that I was looking for friends and hiking/climbing/surfing buddies only. I figured I would make a bunch if cool friends and maybe fall for one...which is precisely what happened 😂🎉
What a clever concept/approach, dare I say strategy- thank you for sharing. If nothing else, it’s a good start towards showing up (more) authentically…. and not attaching to a specific outcome. Thank you! XOXO
Currently struggling with a relationship with an insecurely attatched person who is great at listening to my thoughts and needs but doesnt let me hear or see theirs. I found out that they have been unhappy at work for years but "didnt want to burden me with it.". I feel so robbed if the chance to know and support this person. Its a terrible feeling, but this series has helped me understand the reason they did it. Idk how to move forward though. Thanks for all the marvelous insights!!!
thank u for wanting to listen to your friend's problems. i have never wanted to burden anyone w/my issues but the other person also didnt care enough to ask and was just using me. thanks for caring
My ex was the same way until she wrote a 5-page resentful letter criticizing me and comparing me to her abusive family. I had thought everything was fine, but for most of our relationship she built up resentment for me and projected all sorts of things onto me. If it sucks now and she's holding back, think about what will happen as this relationship advances in age.
This is what I’ve worked so hard on and couldn’t put into words what I was doing. It started way back when I had my first child. Raising him allowed me to start to raise myself. Showing myself the same love and kindness and care. My relationships are so healthy now, and I’m so proud of every single time I show up as myself, and allow others to do the same. Thank you for this video.
Heidi! I feel so spoiled to have all these new recent videos coming out! Thanks for all your work. You make a difference in my life and how I show up!!! Thank you
You were offline for quite sometime only to come back so much stronger. Having studied insecure attachment for quite some time now, this is one of the best and essential for all who struggle with emotions and connections! ❤
Thank you so much. Almost every time I watch your videos on attachment and true intimacy, my eyes swell up with tears. I mourn all the life that I had, not knowing myself and running away from other people. This incredible pain goes along with the joy of healing.
Two things to add that might help others who may need to improve: 1) these strategies are long-term strategies… don’t be attached to outcome in certain situations especially if it’s a toxic one! 2) it’s a spectrum and situational; even securely attached people mess up or miss things, and they can also have their own significant biases from other issues (eg racism, being busy, being immersed in a certain culture like a work one). So you could be interacting with someone who is securely attached but then judging you in other ways because their goal is not attunement with you or they just don’t know you well yet. Also secure people can just be as unaware of others’ suffering as insecure. Such a great video though! A lot that I can think about and apply. Much thought and effort was put into clarity and concision, kudos.
Hi Heidi. I felt so called out when you talked about strategy and analysis. I was so proud of my analytical skills and based all my interactions on that. I understand now why I'm so obsessed with dancing as it makes practice being present and attuned to the other. I intuitively felt I needed it and once I started I felt like it was the most important thing I had to do right now. It turned out my intuition was right. It is the most important skills I need to develop to be securely attached. Thanks so much for clarifying what had been going on in my life. I love you ❤ May you have deep, fulfilling and loving relationships as a reward for all your hard work.
“I have an entire career in personality types.” And that is the ONLY reason why I trusted you in the first place. I recognized your name from some unknown place in my soul as a familiar voice of guidance, and THEN began to identify/heal from my toxic shame. Your years in MBTI were not wasted-They led me to my healing. So thank you from the depths of my INFP soul!
Omg, yesterday I was talking to my girlfriend about the ability to listen to each other. I am well aware that there is a lot I need to improve in this department, but watching this video today gave me so much material to work with. I've been sharing your videos with her and it's been very helpful to guide and improve our conversations on how to really know each other better, instead of clinging to our fantasies. Thank you very much, Priebe. People in Brazil love your videos too
I discovered your videos earlier this year and I cannot fully express how grateful I am that I did. Your ability to convey information in such an understandable and accessible way while still having tremendous depth is truly special. I know I’m not the only one who’s life has literally altered course from the impact you’ve had on us. Thank you for continuing to make these videos!
19:12 🤯🤯🤯 Heidi, you brilliant soul, you just opened up a whole new way of relating for me! I didn't realize it until i heard you say that.... but i absolutely have been meticulously refining my strategy for being the perfect girlfriend/friend/coworker over the years - only to keep failing as i wasn't looking at the dynamics specific to that relationship with equal intensity. Thank you for sharing your wisdom 🙏 you are doing so much good in this world
I never had this consistently with any one caregiver, and now at 51; I (FINALLY) have learned enough about all the ‘fine tuning’ of this particular piece of the puzzle to finally know what it is I’ve been subconsciously searching for all my life. 😋☺️❣️
i needed this video so bad. ive been seeking help for so long even as a kid but i am only just now at 24 in a safe position and tbh i don’t know what to do with it. when im not around my abuser anymore and my reality confirms that i don’t have to be in fight or flight but i can’t stop freaking out, i end up fighting myself constantly for not being able to recognize im safe, leading me to feel like i don’t deserve it. Learning to reconcile the fact that the way I naturally want to move through the world will help me healthily attach with how terrible that’s gone for me in the past is so hard. Because i dont have stable internal sense of safety, i end up scaring myself like a groundhog with its own shadow. understanding that the reason i fight myself so much is because i had to teach myself to hide when i had a need helps me make sense of the fear i have when those needs do arise. ive been trying to “befriend the monster” of my trauma and its so much easier to communicate with it now. some will eat comfort foods when they are anxious, i relapse. understanding that, for me, relapsing isnt a moral failure but a indication i need more support helps me address the anxiety, not the compulsion so hopefully i can handle relapsing better the next time. this was just a little dump but idk this really got me. thank you!
16:48 me, who is still mending my avoidant attachment thinking “well, this doesn’t really apply to me” followed by Heidi dropping truth bombs Thank you so much for your content. Your channel has helped me heal my relationship with myself and strengthened my relationships with others.
Heidi you are incredible! I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but when I tell you I’ve studied attachment style for a few years (mostly through consuming UA-cam content) and this is by far the BEST and most digestible explanation of attachment styles and how they are formed - I am not messing around!! I am 35 years old and continually seeking knowledge to better understand my own patterns so that I can continue to better attract healthy relationships. Your teaching style is a perfect match for my learning style and I just wanted to share my gratitude with you. 🥰
Heidi, I literally do that .trying to figure people out and predict what they'll be like. mostly Enneagram is what I've been preoccupied with. you're really spot on and I'm glad that I'm watching this.
This is such amazing content. As a person that grew up in a strict military, highly religious and Black household, I'm learning how avoidant I became to survive and how much I needed that attentive/attuned person in my childhood.
10:00 oh my god! I am doing this since my childhood. I assess people way before they even striked the conversation with me. Even I assess why they act the way they act. There's a constant analysis session going on inside my head. Even I predict how that person will treat me long-term. Thank you so much for the video. I was looking for it something similar for long. Your content impacted my perspective a lot💗.
The distinction you draw between attuned and misattuned caregiving is so valuable and rings so true. It's probably a point that needs to be heard and understood by anyone involved with raising a child, because while it's a subtle thing that's easily taken for granted, whether or not one's caregivers are attuned can have huge ripple effects across so many of the relationships across that child's whole life. I specifically appreciated the point you make about misattuned caregivers not necessarily being intentionally malicious or neglectful too (with many having the best intentions and making some kind of effort that doesn't amount to attunement). I'm certain that many fall into the trap of trying to substitute gifts or "providing the best opportunities" in place of being present for consistent mindful engagement with a child. This just ends up causing problems later on (speaking from experience, unfortunately. I never developed a real emotional vocabulary or any capacity to process emotions healthily until well into adulthood as a result of this exact thing).
Brilliant video, im going to have yo listen again. The only thing i would add, as a caution, is attunement can only be achieved, and safely sought after, when there is underlying trust in the other person. If they are abusive, striving for attunement could be downright dangerous.
Your comment is very thought-provoking for me. One thing I was thinking is that it’s pretty intense when you try to to to someone who’s well… Insane. You’re trying to attuned to insanity. I’ve been there. Why would anybody want to go there? I guess you’re not trying to tune to the insanity as much as you are trying to second guess what this crazy person might do next…..I agree with you wholeheartedly. I guess we both have the battle scars to demonstrate where the wisdom came from.
I love how you broke this down, Heidi. It was helpful to get a deeper understanding of why things like hypervigilance can happen. But it also showed me that I've come a long way thanks to therapy and the many other healing tools I've been utilizing in recent years! On my way to secure attachment, getting a little better every day 🎉🎉🎉
This content really resonates with me. It has me reflecting on the type of caregivers I’ve had in my developmental years as a child and adolescent. It’s given me a lot to think about, then, now, and how to move forward as a better in tuned and aware person in relationships.
I love how all this content helps me figure out what’s been going wrong, but I’ve all but written things off as hopeless for me at this point. I’m already too heady about everything as it is, and without being even more so, I just repeat the same cycles, and I’m already overwhelmed with how not natural being around other people is. It’s way less stressful just to be alone, it just sucks to have so many experiences I’d like to share with someone and can’t.
This was helpful, I tried being attuned in person n I was the other person my quiet friend took notice of. People really do feel ur vibe so don't be too stuck in ur head or it really affects attraction 😅
Dang…your comment about being interested in personality typology and trying to “figure out” other people struck a chord with me. I’ve always thought that I had a more anxious attachment because I’ve been toxically attracted to emotionally unavailable men, but the more that I learn, I’m seeing that I may actually be more avoidant. Many of your videos resonate for me. Heidi, thank you for sharing your expertise.
Heidi, your work in communicating these concepts is infinitely valuable. I wish I knew all this stuff when I was a lot younger. Even if all this amazing information can’t save my current relationship with my girlfriend, I absolutely know the relationship I have with myself is healing more than I ever thought possible. And I know that my future relationships will be all the better for it. Thank you so much.
Once again you are right on time for me. I just had my first date in a lifetime with someone who has secure attachment style, and whoa, what a difference it makes! It's so much easier to practice not projecting and to practice staying fluid in the present moment, attuning dance step by dance step, when the other person is already doing those things. I'm so calm with him not because I feel sure he won't leave but because if we end up deciding we don't want to continue at some point, we will have reached that decision mutually, respectfully, and not based on unfair projections. I feel like I've just landed on a new planet.
You are doing the thing from the video. You already put him in a box (securely attached) instead of being present with the relationship. How could you possibly know someone's attachment style after one date?
@@ns1extreme Oh, the reason I assumed he had a fairly (relative to people I've tried to form partnership with in the past) secure attachment style is due to what I learned about him from his late wife's obituary. I always google people I'm about to date. But your point is very valid.
@Heidi Priebe, you have no idea how timely this video is. 30 second version....I went through a bad breakup, got on a dating site, met Michaela, and 5 dates later, I really like this woman. She makes me laugh. I make her laugh. We have barely kissed but she's coming over to spend the night on Saturday. We are going to take the dogs to the dog park. Cook fajitas and guacamole. Drink some wine. Watch movies. And I don't want to think beyond that. She has been hurt be she is so strong. Her ex tried to choke her out. He's in jail and she without prompting told me outright that she would never consider going back to him. But she is also very forgiving. I know it looks a certain way that you might think "red flag" "red flag" but after my last relationship and me ignoring all of the red flags, I have been keenly observing. I like what you were saying about being in the moment. We don't text that much. We do talk on the phone every night now and without fail, we talk about the serious things of life but we manage to make each other laugh in the midst of it. I think we both have been so hurt in the past and all we can do now is trust that the other will not intentionally hurt the other. We don't treat each other with kid gloves and that is refreshing. We tend to tease each other a lot. She sends me pictures of her wearing a lace tank top like shirt that reveals her shoulders and it drives me crazy. Her shoulders are so kissable. She doesn't have a perfect body and neither do I. I'm 62 and she's 57. So this ain't our first rodeo. I think after watching your video, I'm going to just stay in the moment with her. Just observe, and just watch her every movement and listen intently to every word. This is one of those things where you keep asking yourself, when is something going to go wrong.....and it doesn't?
Speaking this aloud, that secure connections still do not guarantee permanence. Connections with others may still be for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. My experience has gotten better the more I allow and not push, as difficult as it can be. Spiritual practices toward loving detachment have helped.
this gave me the explanation why I was so hungry for validation from my friends , really I thought I should be some way with every person to make people like me
Absolutely amazing talk on a subject I've been seeking clarification on for a long time. Attunement is so central to intimacy, but too often overlooked and left out of talks on the subject.
Wow yeah I’ve used so many different mental models (personality type and astrology mainly) to categorize people and try to understand them. Thanks for putting that into words. I had no idea that this is actually an insecure attachment response. Thank you too for what you continue to do in teaching attachment styles and helping people heal 🙏🏾
I have to say you give the best, clearest advice. When I raced windsurfers I had some great Canadian female friends. Never dated, but they were great friends, honest direct, and they drank less than the Australians.
Heidi, Thank you. This is one of your best videos for it's content. And also, thank you for the pacing. It left me enough time and space to really apply what you were explaining, to see how it resonates with me. And it does. It feels almost like we are in dialogue, because each video is running just ahead of my being ready to grasp the concepts. I start wondering something, and your next video addresses it. You are a gift. (Or I owe you a lot of money!! You help SO MUCH!!)
The beginning of this video really brought back some bad memories from when my son was a baby and his mother neglecting him. I try to shove those memories back out of my head, but I've been dealing with huge behavior issues with him at school, and I'm convinced some or maybe even all of it comes from how she treated him. I can't even talk about it now IRL because I get so furious that I come to the precipice of uncontrollable rage. I had to stop the video to get that under control, because I knew I'd stopped hearing anything else you said. I was completely reliving that, not listening.
The "background scripts" is so on point. I stumbled and rambled around trying to explain that concept to my therapist and I don't think they understood.
Questions to ask self to attune 21:34 Check for congruence and ability to stay authentic. Especially with securely attached people. Am I being authentic and honest? 22:20 the more we can develop emotional congruence the closer 23:06 can we catch ourselves and challenge ourselves to be 10, 20, 30 percent more honest.
I went through this obsession with myers briggs too! Until somebody I met told me that I was trying to ''systemise chemistry and that can't be done''. It struck me in the moment as actually TRUE, how could I have thought otherwise, and yet, he is an INTP, and such a profound comment about emotions surprised me from an INTP. Omg, I'm over all that now.
Growing up as a woman, both my parents were barely emotionally attuned, so I struggled to understand myself WHILE trying to understand everybody else why they treat me the way they treat me, and why things happen for a reason. I have issues of being insecurely attached to certain people, when they do show some sort of effort physical and emotional state. As of last year, I'm only focused on trying to work on myself to be with this man who I think could be the one but is also probably going through things of his own. I hope he realizes I'm trying to be there for him for the both of us.
Please pardon the interjection on this public forum. Just a note of caution that your recovery of a whole self must be for you (and between you and your Higher Power). Other people need to do their own intrapersonal and soul work to be relieved of their burdens. In other words, one person cannot heal two. Perhaps I misinterpreted your exact comment but hopefully there's something of use for you in mine. ✌ 🙏🏿
This spoke to me the exact thing I am going thru. I have a childhood trauma caused by neglect and loss of freedom. I noticed that even a secure relationship can trigger me and I go back to projecting and fitting that person into boxes as a way to survive. I vary between anxious and avoidant. I push myself to try to fit into boxes out of fear of abandonment. I am unlearning and loving securely is really beautiful. Thank you so much!
Heidi, I gained some insights from this video. Neither of my parents were good at attunement. I can see how coming from a place of curiosity might help. I do see that I am overly analytical or cerebral about connections.
OK but the next video needs to be about HOW to get out of the trauma brain so that we're not subconsciously slinking into analysis mode, and that we're actually staying present with the interaction, lol. Funny thing, I was just thinking about a person I thought I liked, that I was so focused on getting them to like me that I didn't realize *I* didn't like *them* all that much!
I agree, there's been so many times I was making excuses for people's behavior subconsciously without being aware that I was doing it. And there's so much resistance to attuning to oneself; it sets off our internal alarms. I love the book Becoming Safely Embodied by Dierdre Fay but have been unable to work through the skills myself; I just started an online course to go through the skills as a group with people and Heidi's recent videos, especially this one, really interleave with that perfectly!
Isn’t it crazy how cut off we can be from whether or not we actually like another person? This is definitely the case in families. Sometimes you have to admit that you really don’t like a person, you just don’t like the way they behave Colette you don’t like the way they treat you, you don’t like the way you feel when you’re around them. Why should that be so hard to recognize. Would you eat a food that you really disliked? Isn’t it just possible that we have an aversion to things and people that aren’t good for us? I know it seems so simple, but it can be so difficult.
Second time watching, these videos are SO RICH its like a decadent dessert. Even as an overthinker I am still glossing over things and needing to rewatch regularly. Also the human mind likes to forget. Thanks for all the amazing videos and creating more regularly, you have grown so amazingly even just from external perspective from an internet stranger.
This is an absolutely amazing channel, I've got to say!! Every video I watch gets to the heart of a lot of things for me. Things I was aware I had blind spots about.
Your comparison has been most helpful, thanks. It must get complicated when one parent is emotionally unavailable while the other parent is the soul source of emotional security.
Thank you, Heidi! These videos have been so eye opening for me in viewing my own behaviors and my experiences with others with clarity. I am so grateful there is a path for healing.
Very interesting timing. Just yesterday, I realized this kind of thing operating in me. A person whose spouse was a leader in our civic group before their unexpected repose has been talking to me about the needs of the group. I had a story in my head about how they would recover from grief and take up the mantle and be our leader in their spouse's stead. I wasn't listening because everything they said was a data point for me on the graph of their recovery and assumption of authority. I had a model in my head of what this person wanted and needed. I caught myself yesterday and read back thru messages and suddenly realized my daydream wasn't what they wanted. They wanted to continue their supportive creative role they had before while someone else stepped up to direct traffic. I was scared to act on what they actually said because it went against my imagination of what they wanted, but it went perfectly. So interesting I see this after experiencing it to drive home the message. Computer programs of people in my head keep me from hearing the real person!
I appreciate how you're able to hit the mark with attunement. I hope you are aware of the amazing talent you are able to share by solifiying these concepts. Very helpful!
Great video. A lot of effort went into it, and it will help me improve to the benefit of others as well as myself. Comments to the presentation: 21:36: Honesty & authenticity are loaded terms. These are not entirely positive values and must be treated with caution. We can only allow ourselves certain degrees of them if we want to protect ourselves and others. We can strive for them, of course, but like with a lighthouse, you are not meant to arrive there. 28:10: Self-awareness. Looking for the intolerable parts of ourselves is a huge task if your history is that you didn't feel loved.
This is incredibly helpful and well presented Heidi, thank you for all that you are doing! I am also SUPER curious about how neurodivergence can intertwine and overlap with these concepts. As someone with ADHD I am aware my insecure attachment affects connecting but also "masking" when interacting with more neurotypical people is necessary sometimes, especially in work environments. My partner is securely attached and on the Autism spectrum and I've learned a lot from how he just presents himself authentically with friends and keeps close friendships with people who accept him for who he is.
Your channel pops up with a v relevant topic in my life every time i'm down about something. one of the best subscriptions i've taken tbh, awesome work breaking these down and putting in specific examples per point. it's very easy to follow and reflect to. Thank you!
Heidi, you are a sweetheart sharing all of this deep knowledge with us. I'm sure you're helping tons of people and you're certainly helping me. Thanks.❤
Heidi, I am halfway through this video and I have been glaring at you the entire time, so whatever you’re saying must be hitting something deep in me. I hate you, thank you for helping me become a better person.
Super helpful thank you! I think most humans have not learned these skills as children...but as adults now we have our chance :) I feel it is a superpower to have somatic awareness...it's like feeling your insides while you talk to someone which seems kind of strange but it really works! I like to take a deep breath and sense into my belly as I talk to someone to try to self-regulate if any emotions come up about them. Then I simply comfort them like I would a child. Getting better day by day!
Feeling disappointed in myself… yet grateful to be aware of how I’ve showed up… and practicing being present and showing instead of masking with a poker face… grateful that sometimes some of the biggest pain brings the best lessons
Wow this might be your best video yet Heidi! I feel like until now I've understood my attachment style and how to do that work internally, but have struggled as to what the next steps after that are. This will help a lot in actually taking concrete action and showing up differently in my interactions. Thank you!!
Heidi, I’ve watched so many of your videos, many of them on repeat. Every time I watch you help me to reveal another blind spot and more importantly, how I can adapt to a more helpful way of being. In this video, you explained why i’m so flippin analytical and strategic in my relationships. I’m always exhausted after social interactions, no wonder, with all the scripts i’m running in my head and trying to fit everyone into these scripts. I started on this journey because I didn’t want my daughter to go through life struggling like I did, Im sure that with the help of your videos I can support myself and my daughter to become confident and comfortable in our relationships. Please keep doing your videos and spreading your message because there are so many of us who are grateful for the work you are doing 😊
Your videos are so incredibly on point, distinct and helpful. Thank you, I am learning and also healing a lot through your videos. You are explaining the mechanisms so perfectly, that's awesome! ❤
The video you make and the work you do are golden! Thankful for the amount of time you're putting into this and making an effort to share again and again. Keep it up, you influence people in a great way!
Thankuu soo much❤️ Heidi. I'm an avoident attachment person who used to use strategies like mbti test to figure people out and put them into boxes. This video is a blessing for me, as im searching to move towards the secure attachment style. You explained it so well, Thanku so much 🌸
Randomly got your video recommended, and when you said „Hi I’m Heidi Priebe“ I literally screamed „Heidiiiii“!! 😁 I bought your ENFP book back then after your articles helped me understand myself better, and have loved it throughout the years, I kept coming back to it and it was a big key in finding to myself I had also stumbled across your articles about limerance some months ago, but didn’t know you had a whole channel! Thank you for all these beautiful things you’re sharing 😊 (I also make UA-cam videos, maybe you like them haha, also wanna make a video on how I healed my limerance in an afternoon!)
Thank you Heidi. This has come at perfect timing for me - as I attempt to improve certain relationships in my life. Now to work on these tools w/ patience will hopefully create some much needed positive changes! 🙏🙏❤️
Please Note: I do not have a telegram account and will not contact you privately for any reason. If someone reaches out to you based on a comment you have left claiming to be me, this is a fraudulent account.
Amazing how that happens. They are all over the Lufthansa website, which works since Lufthansa is so far behind in giving refunds.
Psychologist and psychotherapist here. That was the best (clear, comprehensive, understandable) description of attachment and attunement I've ever seen. You are an astonishing communicator and I'm so grateful for your work. This is the first of your videos I've seen and I look forward to the rest. Thank you so much for helping me and so many others.
Oh man you’re in for a wild ride 🥲
this channel f***ing rocks. I swear to god you are helping us traumatized children get a shot at being normal well adjusted adults.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS PRICELESS INFORMATION!!!
Well summarized 👍
💙
Heidi, you are amazing! Really appreciate you.❤
Omg from personality theory to metaphysics (astrology, tarot, esp in the digital age) you helped me understand why i am so obsessed with trying to understand who a person is without actually going through the risky organic process of getting to know them and letting them get to know me
risky?
I would like to also not feel it as risky
Exactly!
Omg, thank you for voicing what I feel and helping me realize I'm not the only one!!!
I can relate. Always looking for the next model of explaining me myself and others. For me it's: when I can figure myself and everyone important out, then I can relax.
“The only way to truly know a person is to love them without hope.” - Walter Benjamin
Omg 😢 thank you for this quote! I can't even begin to articulate what it even means but it rings so true and makes me feel better about a dynamic I'm in currently. 💖
‘ He was a total flirt and never at home’
Walter Benjamin’s wife
@@goldilocks913😅🙏🏾
@@goldilocks913exactly. Sounds like a player.
brilliant. How is that for radical presence?
Attunement just entered my vocabulary!!!
This explains why so much interaction between not securely attached people is essentially, defensive. We're not trying to understand the other person to meet their need we're just trying to avoid having our own need neglected.
I remember being obsessed with personality theory years ago too :). Wanting to have a framework for everything. Feeling that gratification when things "fell into place"... I think it's also what people do these days when they classify other people as having disorders. Or hyperfocus on personality traits like being introverted. If I say I'm an introvert, then it's "ok" to feel x or do y (or not do y), otherwise, it's not ok. Our feelings were not validated by our caregivers, who were not attuned, so we have to find something outside of ourselves, labels, theories...to justify how we feel or don't feel, rather than treating our feelings as valid in themselves. Feelings do not need theories to be valid.
I was also obsessed with personality theory! I loveddd to classify others. It made me 'understand them' without actually converting or getting to know them. I would just type them rashly and believe I had them all figured out. In reality, I was being really weird and alienating everyone. I remember hardly getting along with coworkers because we simply weren't 'compatible' types. And yes, if you identified as an introvert, then it was okay if you completely kept to yourself and had difficulty making new friends or maintaining healthy relationships. Crazy to see now that I felt that way because my life lacked intimacy with others.
@@linds1233I think I was interested because It was genuinely interesting. (I also love solving crossword puzzles). When I started to lose interest, I can't pinpoint a time, but I think it was around noticing people were using personality type to justify behaviour, or to separate themselves from their behaviour, like "I am INFJ therefore I am always sensitive to others or empathetic". Not necessarily, you could be really selfish or unkind and have any personality type, or "I'm insensitive or I always say what I think without caring what people feel and it's because I have a xNTx personality type", no, your personality type doesn't make you a d*ck. It's the same with attachment style, people use it as a justification for behaviour rather than looking at the impact of what they're doing. "oh I didn't leave the relationship but I'm anxious attached", "oh I checked out, I'm avoidant", "they checked out/ didn't give me what I wanted so they must avoidant", we're just using all these labels to place ourselves in competing categories, like shields. "I'm an introvert, that's why I ignore texts". When we act badly towards others or towards ourselves, rather than being accountable for what we do, we find a label, even better if that label automatically absolves us (makes us the 'good guy') based on current social trends.
And yeah it's crazy to think how much we justify. I have the benefit of life slapping me in the face enough times to have to go (to myself) ok you know what, whatever you call this, call it whatever you like, but the fact is, it ain't working for you. It doesn't matter what my attachment style is, if I'm extroverted, introverted, empathic, not empathic....if it ain't working, it ain't working. I can call myself the good guy or the bad guy or call other people good guys or bad guys, but it doesn't change the outcomes. If the outcomes aren't good or I'm not happy with the outcomes, it doesn't matter who's what, or what I think I am or don't think I am.
So true! Also I feel like, other than caregivers, the society is also constantly judging and traumatizing people. Take your introvert example, many feel so judged at workplace if they are not naturally social or outgoing. So we almost have to find an excuse for us to be ok to be who we are by depending on personality types.
"Feelings do not need theories to be valid." Do you hear that, chronic need to overexplain to defend yourself?? You can just be alive! Just be!
@@owelzknudtson610 ☺
Wow, Heidi, as a lawyer and survivor of CPTSD, I'm blown away by your ability to present this topic in a nonjudgmental way, incorporating many different aspects of mental health recovery and showing positive steps for growth. Many of us survivors struggle every day (actually every moment) as we parent our children and strive for healthy adult relationships with friends and lovers. You rock!!!!
This woman’s videos are amazing.
Caroline Winkler came out with a video called “Psychotic dating advice that changed my life” and one of the tips she gave was that, if you’re someone who has trouble being authentic on dates, go on them pretending it was guaranteed the person would reject you at the end, not in that you assume they won’t like you or go in with a negative attitude or approach or try to repel the other person, but a detached approach, meaning, you eradicate any scripts or attachments to outcomes of the person liking you, because you’re pretending it’s guaranteed they won’t. In this way, you can make the focus truly being authentic, and not trying to make the person like you or have an interaction go a certain way, which allows you to actually be more present with the other person, since you’re not overly concerned with how you are coming across. I love that video and her channel, thank you once again for another banger of a video Heidi! 🎉
I find this script problematic. What if the date starts actually liking you?? Then you are in dissonance with the reality and the technique you followed in order to be authentic
@@Freyr94 Not really. In that scenario it would be more of a pleasant surprise that can be acted on accordingly. I would also recommend checking out the specific video; she does a lot better justice to the concept than I did in this comment. Anyway, you don't need to use it if it doesn't resonate with you. I just happened to really like it!
@@melodyelena I remember this one. caroline ftw. It's very similar to what I did when I found my forever-dude: I went on dozens of dates with the strict caveat that it was coffee only and they knew from the outset that I was looking for friends and hiking/climbing/surfing buddies only. I figured I would make a bunch if cool friends and maybe fall for one...which is precisely what happened 😂🎉
Caroline sounds pretty funny
What a clever concept/approach, dare I say strategy- thank you for sharing. If nothing else, it’s a good start towards showing up (more) authentically…. and not attaching to a specific outcome. Thank you! XOXO
Currently struggling with a relationship with an insecurely attatched person who is great at listening to my thoughts and needs but doesnt let me hear or see theirs. I found out that they have been unhappy at work for years but "didnt want to burden me with it.". I feel so robbed if the chance to know and support this person. Its a terrible feeling, but this series has helped me understand the reason they did it. Idk how to move forward though. Thanks for all the marvelous insights!!!
thank u for wanting to listen to your friend's problems. i have never wanted to burden anyone w/my issues but the other person also didnt care enough to ask and was just using me. thanks for caring
smart man. he knows you will dump him at the first sign of rough waters
@@Kyleforthe3SIKEwhat a delightful comment. I haven't run for 25 years. Loyalty doesn't run.
@@Ark-ys2upso very, very true 😂
My ex was the same way until she wrote a 5-page resentful letter criticizing me and comparing me to her abusive family. I had thought everything was fine, but for most of our relationship she built up resentment for me and projected all sorts of things onto me. If it sucks now and she's holding back, think about what will happen as this relationship advances in age.
This is what I’ve worked so hard on and couldn’t put into words what I was doing. It started way back when I had my first child. Raising him allowed me to start to raise myself. Showing myself the same love and kindness and care. My relationships are so healthy now, and I’m so proud of every single time I show up as myself, and allow others to do the same.
Thank you for this video.
Heidi! I feel so spoiled to have all these new recent videos coming out! Thanks for all your work. You make a difference in my life and how I show up!!! Thank you
❤🧡💛💚💙💜🖤
You were offline for quite sometime only to come back so much stronger. Having studied insecure attachment for quite some time now, this is one of the best and essential for all who struggle with emotions and connections! ❤
Thank you so much. Almost every time I watch your videos on attachment and true intimacy, my eyes swell up with tears. I mourn all the life that I had, not knowing myself and running away from other people. This incredible pain goes along with the joy of healing.
Same- sometimes I have to take a break bc the information triggers such deep emotional healing.. which means- feeling everything that comes up. 🥲
Two things to add that might help others who may need to improve: 1) these strategies are long-term strategies… don’t be attached to outcome in certain situations especially if it’s a toxic one! 2) it’s a spectrum and situational; even securely attached people mess up or miss things, and they can also have their own significant biases from other issues (eg racism, being busy, being immersed in a certain culture like a work one). So you could be interacting with someone who is securely attached but then judging you in other ways because their goal is not attunement with you or they just don’t know you well yet. Also secure people can just be as unaware of others’ suffering as insecure.
Such a great video though! A lot that I can think about and apply. Much thought and effort was put into clarity and concision, kudos.
Hi Heidi. I felt so called out when you talked about strategy and analysis. I was so proud of my analytical skills and based all my interactions on that. I understand now why I'm so obsessed with dancing as it makes practice being present and attuned to the other. I intuitively felt I needed it and once I started I felt like it was the most important thing I had to do right now. It turned out my intuition was right. It is the most important skills I need to develop to be securely attached. Thanks so much for clarifying what had been going on in my life. I love you ❤ May you have deep, fulfilling and loving relationships as a reward for all your hard work.
I love how you termed “interpersonal flow” between two people. That sounds nice
“I have an entire career in personality types.” And that is the ONLY reason why I trusted you in the first place. I recognized your name from some unknown place in my soul as a familiar voice of guidance, and THEN began to identify/heal from my toxic shame. Your years in MBTI were not wasted-They led me to my healing. So thank you from the depths of my INFP soul!
This is one of the rare YoTube channels I watch at .75 speed because the facts hit so hard.
Sensitivity - not as hypersensitivity but how you described it, as a skill. I like that
Omg, yesterday I was talking to my girlfriend about the ability to listen to each other. I am well aware that there is a lot I need to improve in this department, but watching this video today gave me so much material to work with. I've been sharing your videos with her and it's been very helpful to guide and improve our conversations on how to really know each other better, instead of clinging to our fantasies. Thank you very much, Priebe. People in Brazil love your videos too
I discovered your videos earlier this year and I cannot fully express how grateful I am that I did. Your ability to convey information in such an understandable and accessible way while still having tremendous depth is truly special. I know I’m not the only one who’s life has literally altered course from the impact you’ve had on us. Thank you for continuing to make these videos!
Atunment.... this is so hard. Presence and curiosity vs strategy and analysis. wow! Thank you for all your content.
the added visuals are SUUUUUPER helpful for different learning styles!!
19:12 🤯🤯🤯
Heidi, you brilliant soul, you just opened up a whole new way of relating for me! I didn't realize it until i heard you say that.... but i absolutely have been meticulously refining my strategy for being the perfect girlfriend/friend/coworker over the years - only to keep failing as i wasn't looking at the dynamics specific to that relationship with equal intensity.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom 🙏 you are doing so much good in this world
I never had this consistently with any one caregiver, and now at 51; I (FINALLY) have learned enough about all the ‘fine tuning’ of this particular piece of the puzzle to finally know what it is I’ve been subconsciously searching for all my life. 😋☺️❣️
i needed this video so bad. ive been seeking help for so long even as a kid but i am only just now at 24 in a safe position and tbh i don’t know what to do with it. when im not around my abuser anymore and my reality confirms that i don’t have to be in fight or flight but i can’t stop freaking out, i end up fighting myself constantly for not being able to recognize im safe, leading me to feel like i don’t deserve it.
Learning to reconcile the fact that the way I naturally want to move through the world will help me healthily attach with how terrible that’s gone for me in the past is so hard. Because i dont have stable internal sense of safety, i end up scaring myself like a groundhog with its own shadow.
understanding that the reason i fight myself so much is because i had to teach myself to hide when i had a need helps me make sense of the fear i have when those needs do arise. ive been trying to “befriend the monster” of my trauma and its so much easier to communicate with it now.
some will eat comfort foods when they are anxious, i relapse. understanding that, for me, relapsing isnt a moral failure but a indication i need more support helps me address the anxiety, not the compulsion so hopefully i can handle relapsing better the next time.
this was just a little dump but idk this really got me. thank you!
Well said
16:48 me, who is still mending my avoidant attachment thinking “well, this doesn’t really apply to me” followed by Heidi dropping truth bombs
Thank you so much for your content. Your channel has helped me heal my relationship with myself and strengthened my relationships with others.
You're my new hero. That was fire....You just summed up the neuroses of several people I know in under an hour. Well done.
Heidi you are incredible! I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but when I tell you I’ve studied attachment style for a few years (mostly through consuming UA-cam content) and this is by far the BEST and most digestible explanation of attachment styles and how they are formed - I am not messing around!! I am 35 years old and continually seeking knowledge to better understand my own patterns so that I can continue to better attract healthy relationships. Your teaching style is a perfect match for my learning style and I just wanted to share my gratitude with you. 🥰
Heidi, I literally do that .trying to figure people out and predict what they'll be like. mostly Enneagram is what I've been preoccupied with.
you're really spot on and I'm glad that I'm watching this.
This is such amazing content. As a person that grew up in a strict military, highly religious and Black household, I'm learning how avoidant I became to survive and how much I needed that attentive/attuned person in my childhood.
10:00 oh my god! I am doing this since my childhood. I assess people way before they even striked the conversation with me. Even I assess why they act the way they act. There's a constant analysis session going on inside my head. Even I predict how that person will treat me long-term.
Thank you so much for the video. I was looking for it something similar for long. Your content impacted my perspective a lot💗.
You are, by a longshot, the most intelligent person I ever witnessed in my entire life.
The distinction you draw between attuned and misattuned caregiving is so valuable and rings so true.
It's probably a point that needs to be heard and understood by anyone involved with raising a child, because while it's a subtle thing that's easily taken for granted, whether or not one's caregivers are attuned can have huge ripple effects across so many of the relationships across that child's whole life.
I specifically appreciated the point you make about misattuned caregivers not necessarily being intentionally malicious or neglectful too (with many having the best intentions and making some kind of effort that doesn't amount to attunement). I'm certain that many fall into the trap of trying to substitute gifts or "providing the best opportunities" in place of being present for consistent mindful engagement with a child. This just ends up causing problems later on (speaking from experience, unfortunately. I never developed a real emotional vocabulary or any capacity to process emotions healthily until well into adulthood as a result of this exact thing).
❤
Brilliant video, im going to have yo listen again. The only thing i would add, as a caution, is attunement can only be achieved, and safely sought after, when there is underlying trust in the other person. If they are abusive, striving for attunement could be downright dangerous.
Your comment is very thought-provoking for me. One thing I was thinking is that it’s pretty intense when you try to to to someone who’s well… Insane. You’re trying to attuned to insanity. I’ve been there. Why would anybody want to go there? I guess you’re not trying to tune to the insanity as much as you are trying to second guess what this crazy person might do next…..I agree with you wholeheartedly. I guess we both have the battle scars to demonstrate where the wisdom came from.
I love how you broke this down, Heidi. It was helpful to get a deeper understanding of why things like hypervigilance can happen. But it also showed me that I've come a long way thanks to therapy and the many other healing tools I've been utilizing in recent years! On my way to secure attachment, getting a little better every day 🎉🎉🎉
This content really resonates with me. It has me reflecting on the type of caregivers I’ve had in my developmental years as a child and adolescent. It’s given me a lot to think about, then, now, and how to move forward as a better in tuned and aware person in relationships.
Your videos continue to be such great anchors for my progress and growth. Thank you again, Heidi!
I love how all this content helps me figure out what’s been going wrong, but I’ve all but written things off as hopeless for me at this point. I’m already too heady about everything as it is, and without being even more so, I just repeat the same cycles, and I’m already overwhelmed with how not natural being around other people is. It’s way less stressful just to be alone, it just sucks to have so many experiences I’d like to share with someone and can’t.
This was helpful, I tried being attuned in person n I was the other person my quiet friend took notice of. People really do feel ur vibe so don't be too stuck in ur head or it really affects attraction 😅
Dang…your comment about being interested in personality typology and trying to “figure out” other people struck a chord with me. I’ve always thought that I had a more anxious attachment because I’ve been toxically attracted to emotionally unavailable men, but the more that I learn, I’m seeing that I may actually be more avoidant. Many of your videos resonate for me.
Heidi, thank you for sharing your expertise.
Heidi, your work in communicating these concepts is infinitely valuable. I wish I knew all this stuff when I was a lot younger.
Even if all this amazing information can’t save my current relationship with my girlfriend, I absolutely know the relationship I have with myself is healing more than I ever thought possible. And I know that my future relationships will be all the better for it.
Thank you so much.
Your channel is next-level. It hits home for me in a way that others don't. Tysm and keep up the amazing work. You are helping so many people!!!!!
Once again you are right on time for me. I just had my first date in a lifetime with someone who has secure attachment style, and whoa, what a difference it makes! It's so much easier to practice not projecting and to practice staying fluid in the present moment, attuning dance step by dance step, when the other person is already doing those things. I'm so calm with him not because I feel sure he won't leave but because if we end up deciding we don't want to continue at some point, we will have reached that decision mutually, respectfully, and not based on unfair projections. I feel like I've just landed on a new planet.
You are doing the thing from the video. You already put him in a box (securely attached) instead of being present with the relationship. How could you possibly know someone's attachment style after one date?
@@ns1extreme Good point. Thank you for pointing out something in my blind spot.
@@ns1extreme Oh, the reason I assumed he had a fairly (relative to people I've tried to form partnership with in the past) secure attachment style is due to what I learned about him from his late wife's obituary. I always google people I'm about to date. But your point is very valid.
@@Kikipotamus Alright, hope it goes well!
Heidi, I genuinely think this is the best, most interesting, most meticulous video ever made, across all categories and time spans.
@Heidi Priebe, you have no idea how timely this video is. 30 second version....I went through a bad breakup, got on a dating site, met Michaela, and 5 dates later, I really like this woman. She makes me laugh. I make her laugh. We have barely kissed but she's coming over to spend the night on Saturday. We are going to take the dogs to the dog park. Cook fajitas and guacamole. Drink some wine. Watch movies. And I don't want to think beyond that. She has been hurt be she is so strong. Her ex tried to choke her out. He's in jail and she without prompting told me outright that she would never consider going back to him. But she is also very forgiving. I know it looks a certain way that you might think "red flag" "red flag" but after my last relationship and me ignoring all of the red flags, I have been keenly observing. I like what you were saying about being in the moment. We don't text that much. We do talk on the phone every night now and without fail, we talk about the serious things of life but we manage to make each other laugh in the midst of it. I think we both have been so hurt in the past and all we can do now is trust that the other will not intentionally hurt the other. We don't treat each other with kid gloves and that is refreshing. We tend to tease each other a lot. She sends me pictures of her wearing a lace tank top like shirt that reveals her shoulders and it drives me crazy. Her shoulders are so kissable. She doesn't have a perfect body and neither do I. I'm 62 and she's 57. So this ain't our first rodeo. I think after watching your video, I'm going to just stay in the moment with her. Just observe, and just watch her every movement and listen intently to every word. This is one of those things where you keep asking yourself, when is something going to go wrong.....and it doesn't?
Bruh that’s 3 mins version. Haha. But yeah, all the best!
Speaking this aloud, that secure connections still do not guarantee permanence. Connections with others may still be for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. My experience has gotten better the more I allow and not push, as difficult as it can be. Spiritual practices toward loving detachment have helped.
You are so darn good at talking. Fabulous presentation.
this gave me the explanation why I was so hungry for validation from my friends , really I thought I should be some way with every person to make people like me
Absolutely amazing talk on a subject I've been seeking clarification on for a long time. Attunement is so central to intimacy, but too often overlooked and left out of talks on the subject.
This has blown my mind, I didn't know you're not supposed to do this. I am going to watch this every day this week.
I think this is my favorite of your videos I've seen so far. It seems really relevant to me.
Wow. This was, perhaps, the most useful video i have watched on UA-cam. Just what I needed! Thank you!
Wow yeah I’ve used so many different mental models (personality type and astrology mainly) to categorize people and try to understand them. Thanks for putting that into words. I had no idea that this is actually an insecure attachment response.
Thank you too for what you continue to do in teaching attachment styles and helping people heal 🙏🏾
Super useful. I connect with your comment a lot. I also used personality types and astrology.
I have to say you give the best, clearest advice. When I raced windsurfers I had some great Canadian female friends. Never dated, but they were great friends, honest direct, and they drank less than the Australians.
Heidi, as always, hitting the nail on the head! Not me watching her videos and taking actual notes in my notebook! She serves masterclasses!!
Heidi, Thank you. This is one of your best videos for it's content. And also, thank you for the pacing. It left me enough time and space to really apply what you were explaining, to see how it resonates with me. And it does. It feels almost like we are in dialogue, because each video is running just ahead of my being ready to grasp the concepts. I start wondering something, and your next video addresses it. You are a gift. (Or I owe you a lot of money!! You help SO MUCH!!)
The beginning of this video really brought back some bad memories from when my son was a baby and his mother neglecting him. I try to shove those memories back out of my head, but I've been dealing with huge behavior issues with him at school, and I'm convinced some or maybe even all of it comes from how she treated him. I can't even talk about it now IRL because I get so furious that I come to the precipice of uncontrollable rage. I had to stop the video to get that under control, because I knew I'd stopped hearing anything else you said. I was completely reliving that, not listening.
The "background scripts" is so on point. I stumbled and rambled around trying to explain that concept to my therapist and I don't think they understood.
Questions to ask self to attune
21:34
Check for congruence and ability to stay authentic. Especially with securely attached people.
Am I being authentic and honest?
22:20 the more we can develop emotional congruence the closer
23:06 can we catch ourselves and challenge ourselves to be 10, 20, 30 percent more honest.
I Truly appreciate your videos. They’ve added major knowledge to the classic texts and made me a better person. Please continue. ❤
A divinely appointed human. Heaven sent. And I mean this in the most grounded, authentic not very religious but spiritual way!
I went through this obsession with myers briggs too! Until somebody I met told me that I was trying to ''systemise chemistry and that can't be done''. It struck me in the moment as actually TRUE, how could I have thought otherwise, and yet, he is an INTP, and such a profound comment about emotions surprised me from an INTP. Omg, I'm over all that now.
You can systemise chemistry, but I suppose he was right about relationships, it can go much deeper than logic.
What type are you?
Growing up as a woman, both my parents were barely emotionally attuned, so I struggled to understand myself WHILE trying to understand everybody else why they treat me the way they treat me, and why things happen for a reason. I have issues of being insecurely attached to certain people, when they do show some sort of effort physical and emotional state.
As of last year, I'm only focused on trying to work on myself to be with this man who I think could be the one but is also probably going through things of his own. I hope he realizes I'm trying to be there for him for the both of us.
Please pardon the interjection on this public forum. Just a note of caution that your recovery of a whole self must be for you (and between you and your Higher Power). Other people need to do their own intrapersonal and soul work to be relieved of their burdens.
In other words, one person cannot heal two.
Perhaps I misinterpreted your exact comment but hopefully there's something of use for you in mine. ✌ 🙏🏿
Just in time! I literally have been building a playlist about attunement. Thank you SO much!
This is best explanation ive ever heard for why somatic therapies are so important 😮
This spoke to me the exact thing I am going thru.
I have a childhood trauma caused by neglect and loss of freedom.
I noticed that even a secure relationship can trigger me and I go back to projecting and fitting that person into boxes as a way to survive. I vary between anxious and avoidant. I push myself to try to fit into boxes out of fear of abandonment.
I am unlearning and loving securely is really beautiful.
Thank you so much!
Heidi, I gained some insights from this video. Neither of my parents were good at attunement. I can see how coming from a place of curiosity might help. I do see that I am overly analytical or cerebral about connections.
OK but the next video needs to be about HOW to get out of the trauma brain so that we're not subconsciously slinking into analysis mode, and that we're actually staying present with the interaction, lol.
Funny thing, I was just thinking about a person I thought I liked, that I was so focused on getting them to like me that I didn't realize *I* didn't like *them* all that much!
I agree, there's been so many times I was making excuses for people's behavior subconsciously without being aware that I was doing it. And there's so much resistance to attuning to oneself; it sets off our internal alarms. I love the book Becoming Safely Embodied by Dierdre Fay but have been unable to work through the skills myself; I just started an online course to go through the skills as a group with people and Heidi's recent videos, especially this one, really interleave with that perfectly!
@@jennw6809 Me too! With the making excuses for others' hurtful behaviors.
Adding that to my reading list...
@@georockstar09 it's crazy, isn't it? What our mind can do in the background? Sending support and well wishes to you ❤
You should look up some videos on internal family systems therapy. It addresses how to work with the trauma brain.
Isn’t it crazy how cut off we can be from whether or not we actually like another person? This is definitely the case in families. Sometimes you have to admit that you really don’t like a person, you just don’t like the way they behave Colette you don’t like the way they treat you, you don’t like the way you feel when you’re around them. Why should that be so hard to recognize. Would you eat a food that you really disliked? Isn’t it just possible that we have an aversion to things and people that aren’t good for us? I know it seems so simple, but it can be so difficult.
Second time watching, these videos are SO RICH its like a decadent dessert. Even as an overthinker I am still glossing over things and needing to rewatch regularly. Also the human mind likes to forget.
Thanks for all the amazing videos and creating more regularly, you have grown so amazingly even just from external perspective from an internet stranger.
This is an absolutely amazing channel, I've got to say!! Every video I watch gets to the heart of a lot of things for me. Things I was aware I had blind spots about.
I just wanted to say that I’ve tried a lot of mindfulness meditations and I find this one of the best.
Your comparison has been most helpful, thanks.
It must get complicated when one parent is emotionally unavailable while the other parent is the soul source of emotional security.
Scripts and outcomes, more great stuff!
Thank you, Heidi! These videos have been so eye opening for me in viewing my own behaviors and my experiences with others with clarity. I am so grateful there is a path for healing.
Very interesting timing. Just yesterday, I realized this kind of thing operating in me. A person whose spouse was a leader in our civic group before their unexpected repose has been talking to me about the needs of the group. I had a story in my head about how they would recover from grief and take up the mantle and be our leader in their spouse's stead. I wasn't listening because everything they said was a data point for me on the graph of their recovery and assumption of authority. I had a model in my head of what this person wanted and needed.
I caught myself yesterday and read back thru messages and suddenly realized my daydream wasn't what they wanted. They wanted to continue their supportive creative role they had before while someone else stepped up to direct traffic. I was scared to act on what they actually said because it went against my imagination of what they wanted, but it went perfectly.
So interesting I see this after experiencing it to drive home the message. Computer programs of people in my head keep me from hearing the real person!
I appreciate how you're able to hit the mark with attunement. I hope you are aware of the amazing talent you are able to share by solifiying these concepts. Very helpful!
Great video. A lot of effort went into it, and it will help me improve to the benefit of others as well as myself. Comments to the presentation:
21:36: Honesty & authenticity are loaded terms. These are not entirely positive values and must be treated with caution. We can only allow ourselves certain degrees of them if we want to protect ourselves and others. We can strive for them, of course, but like with a lighthouse, you are not meant to arrive there.
28:10: Self-awareness. Looking for the intolerable parts of ourselves is a huge task if your history is that you didn't feel loved.
This is incredibly helpful and well presented Heidi, thank you for all that you are doing! I am also SUPER curious about how neurodivergence can intertwine and overlap with these concepts. As someone with ADHD I am aware my insecure attachment affects connecting but also "masking" when interacting with more neurotypical people is necessary sometimes, especially in work environments. My partner is securely attached and on the Autism spectrum and I've learned a lot from how he just presents himself authentically with friends and keeps close friendships with people who accept him for who he is.
Your channel pops up with a v relevant topic in my life every time i'm down about something. one of the best subscriptions i've taken tbh, awesome work breaking these down and putting in specific examples per point. it's very easy to follow and reflect to. Thank you!
Heidi, you are a sweetheart sharing all of this deep knowledge with us. I'm sure you're helping tons of people and you're certainly helping me. Thanks.❤
YOU ARE AMAZING!!! I hope that you fall asleep at night. Knowing how much you help everyone who listens, feel so much better! ❤
Heidi, I am halfway through this video and I have been glaring at you the entire time, so whatever you’re saying must be hitting something deep in me. I hate you, thank you for helping me become a better person.
Super helpful thank you! I think most humans have not learned these skills as children...but as adults now we have our chance :) I feel it is a superpower to have somatic awareness...it's like feeling your insides while you talk to someone which seems kind of strange but it really works! I like to take a deep breath and sense into my belly as I talk to someone to try to self-regulate if any emotions come up about them. Then I simply comfort them like I would a child. Getting better day by day!
i've been learning about relationships a long time and im impressed about the simplicity and effectiveness of this concept.
As a fellow previously personality type addicted person, this hits for me lol
Feeling disappointed in myself… yet grateful to be aware of how I’ve showed up… and practicing being present and showing instead of masking with a poker face… grateful that sometimes some of the biggest pain brings the best lessons
Thank you so much for all that you're doing, Heidi! I learned so much about myself and why I am the way I am from your videos 🙏
Wow this might be your best video yet Heidi! I feel like until now I've understood my attachment style and how to do that work internally, but have struggled as to what the next steps after that are. This will help a lot in actually taking concrete action and showing up differently in my interactions. Thank you!!
Excellent excellent excellent 👍🏼
Amazing info, very well presented ⭐️⭐️
subscribed immediately
Heidi, I’ve watched so many of your videos, many of them on repeat. Every time I watch you help me to reveal another blind spot and more importantly, how I can adapt to a more helpful way of being. In this video, you explained why i’m so flippin analytical and strategic in my relationships. I’m always exhausted after social interactions, no wonder, with all the scripts i’m running in my head and trying to fit everyone into these scripts.
I started on this journey because I didn’t want my daughter to go through life struggling like I did, Im sure that with the help of your videos I can support myself and my daughter to become confident and comfortable in our relationships.
Please keep doing your videos and spreading your message because there are so many of us who are grateful for the work you are doing 😊
Your videos are so incredibly on point, distinct and helpful. Thank you, I am learning and also healing a lot through your videos. You are explaining the mechanisms so perfectly, that's awesome! ❤
Listening to this in thinking of how very few people are secure being single and/ir understanding what they need emotionally
This is a wonderfully lucid, tenderly presented and absolutely true description of how this mechanism works. Thank you :)
ive been doing this and it's so validating to hear you put it into words.
The video you make and the work you do are golden! Thankful for the amount of time you're putting into this and making an effort to share again and again. Keep it up, you influence people in a great way!
Thankuu soo much❤️ Heidi. I'm an avoident attachment person who used to use strategies like mbti test to figure people out and put them into boxes. This video is a blessing for me, as im searching to move towards the secure attachment style. You explained it so well, Thanku so much 🌸
Randomly got your video recommended, and when you said „Hi I’m Heidi Priebe“ I literally screamed „Heidiiiii“!! 😁
I bought your ENFP book back then after your articles helped me understand myself better, and have loved it throughout the years, I kept coming back to it and it was a big key in finding to myself
I had also stumbled across your articles about limerance some months ago, but didn’t know you had a whole channel!
Thank you for all these beautiful things you’re sharing 😊
(I also make UA-cam videos, maybe you like them haha, also wanna make a video on how I healed my limerance in an afternoon!)
Thank you Heidi. This has come at perfect timing for me - as I attempt to improve certain relationships in my life. Now to work on these tools w/ patience will hopefully create some much needed positive changes! 🙏🙏❤️