Trying to illicit empathy from a narcissist is only going to be an exercise in frustration and futility, and all you're gonna get in return is nothing but lies, gaslighting, mockery, and drama. Don't bother.
What ever happened to be authentic? I was told that I was crazy getting my hair cut last month .They did call me insane for cutting my hair shorter. I left in a rush.most embatssing moments
I think maybe the reason they get so bent out of shape when you appeal to their empathy is that they know you're asking them for something they cannot possibly provide, which makes them feel inferior. It's a way of holding up a mirror to them. When they don't like what they see, they attack the reflection.
@@abracadaverousVery well put. If narcissists were honest about their lack of empathy, without defensiveness, it would still be seen by them as giving up power. They need to make sure that we can’t make informed choices.
Mine actually made it a.point to mock and minimize me because I was empathetic. He acted like he didn't know what it was...wait I guess he really didn't know...anyway as he mocked me, he would look it up on Google and then blame me and my childhood saying it was because of trauma I was so empathetic. Ironic, he failed to see (I'm probably wrong in that assumption) that is why I was there with him.... Good thing I am out now, divorced. As I write this it seems most likely another manipulative tactic from a Malignant NPD narcissist, borderline antisocial personality disorder
I believe we need to grief. Respect this chapter, and is normal to be sad, because we had a loss. They didn´t died but we saw that they are dead inside. Kind of the same. Make a ritual, light a candle to the angels idk, something, but respect the grief.
@@linneasimchah1621yes. Grieving what I didn't get and will NEVER get. Letting go of that hope in someone to give me what they can't and/or don't have. Letting go and feelings the hurt, loss, sadness and pain. Grief
If they see your side of anything, it’s only because they are using this situation to gain knowledge to use it against you. Do NOT ever let your guard down around them.
@@mikeperkins-y2h It's a textbook maneuver for abusive people to project exactly what's going on inside them onto others. False accusations from narcs are a legitimate "tell" that reveals what they're up to.
Yep. Worries me that this ‘expert’ is trying to give us the impression that there is a way to get through to a narcissist. I won’t even watch this video any further.
When it's your Mother, and she keeps showing up in your lyfe, unannounced Boundaries? Even explained to her and it just goes through one ear and out the other...SMH.
Oh, my dear. I have that memory, too. And I tried, and tried. My arms are around you, dear. Around both of our dear little girls, our inner children. We deserved to be loved.
I’m grown and STILL saying it. Now I’m his caregiver and I’m a lost soul. I am COMPLETELY LOST and I have no idea what my future looks like. Even in trying to take care of him, the mental anguish and abusive language never stops. When I ask why he just can’t love me. He answers that he loves me, but I just don’t love myself and if I would only listen to HIM…I could be “something.” It’s all MY fault. I consider being unalive all the time.
@@LelaElam Is this your father, dear? From your language and structure, you seem like a fine person to know, and to have as a neighbor or community member. He's lying about everything. He doesn't love anyone except himself, and he's doesn't even have much of that. He has NO idea about how you should be loved, or how you can be happy. He's deficient and inadequate as a parent, and if HE had to take care of YOU it just wouldn't happen. He failed to take care of you adequately while he was rearing you, and he's failing worse and worse in his choice of words and actions. Is there any reason why you have to caretake him? Is there an inheritance to protect? What's in it for YOU?
@@LelaElam I want u to know, you are worthy of better. You do not deserve to be second-guessed at every turn. It sucks the vitality out of the soul. The second you are free of him you will begin to feel better. Having to care for an old narcissist is bitter and thankless but I AM PROUD OF YOU -
I think they’re not even always unaware of others’ needs and rights. If it benefits them, for example in order to point out a third party’s reprehensible behavior, they’ll notice both just fine. Imo, it’s that they don’t generally prioritize anything that doesn’t benefit them - let alone enough to care or do anything about it - and actively resist anything that inconveniences them. Like, say, a need that would put them in the position to have to bother to help someone else or deal with the shame of not helping them and therefore not being the greatest person alive.
YOU LITERALLY COULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT MORE PERFECTLY! On the nose, bingo, spot on, laser accuracy, hit the nail on the head, mic drop... The basis of most of the conflict, inner turmoil, and frustration in my life... Thank you for understanding❤
They can't see beyond their noses. Anyway you're invisible to them. They don't see our side of things but blame us for things going bad and take credit when things get good.
They’ll only see you as equal if you have more. If you have a PhD and they have a masters or something like that. You have to just have more. That’s what I learned after dealing with my narc manager, to really win; you have to love yourself better than they ever did. Which you will because they never loved you or, at the very least, it just simply wasn’t enough. I realized I could do more for me than they ever could. Don’t ever look back after you get away. If you are currently dealing with one, see yourself past the relationship and start doing more for you. Hopefully you don’t have a reason to stay such as children, house, car, business, etc.
Yes! Ive even said in a therapy session with my daughter, that I’m only seen as a “prop”! I’m not an actual human, that deserves to be heard, understood, etc., but that I personally know better than that.
About a year ago I finally got enough courage to stop defending myself, stop apologizing & stop taking the bait. Even when I get a criticism about something I now say Yes I do that and it’s long overdue that I’m putting myself first👍 This had reduced my anxiety and increased my self worth.
They do understand your side - better than you do. They gathered information and planned their campaign effectively, because they understand perfectly.
In many ways, narcs have astoundingly accurate outward perception of other people (Ramani says narcs are exceptional at reading a room), but they completely lack accurate self-awareness.
This intriguing video serves as a poignant reminder of the heartache I've been enduring since my 7 year relationship came to an end 4 months ago. My cherished partner, the love of my life, made the difficult decision to part ways, leaving me consumed by thoughts of him. Despite my earnest attempts to win him back, I find myself facing frustration and an overwhelming sense of emptiness, unable to envision a life without his presence. Despite my efforts to move on, I'm compelled to confess my lingering feelings and longing for him here.
The process of releasing a loved one can be an uphill battle. I can relate, having navigated a similar journey when my 8 year relationship dissolved. Despite the heartache, I refused to relinquish hope and embarked on a quest to win him back. Turning to a spiritual counselor for assistance, I found guidance that ultimately led to our reconciliation.
The only way narcs will see your side of things is if it matches the narc's side of things. They must always be right, always, always! This was a red flag for me. Everything that came out of my mouth was criticized down to a pulp. My exnarc believed s/he was right about every single thing, even if they had no knowledge on the subject! Now that's crazy. Glad to be out and moving forward and loving myself💕
I no longer try to get them to see my point of view. It’s not worth the stress and pain it causes me. They have many witnesses to what happened and they still deny it. Messed up. Prioritizing my safety and health. I validate myself and with healthy safe people/therapists. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
That's point I got to. After that I was just indifferent and stopped caring this made my ex MORE MAD. So man child was mad I didn't keep stroking his ego when he couldn't even treat me like a civil human w respect and I had been giving from an "empty tank" from trying time and time again.
This reminds me of the many times when I was young when I tried to explain my side of things and was berated and humiliated. Going "no contact" is the only way to have a sane life.
My experience after 15 years of the BS, figure what they want from you, what exactly it is you have that keeps them staying that contributes to their existence, then work from there, and if you have to stay, give the bare minimum, just deal with that, and enjoy every other aspect of your life to the fullest without them. ...at least it seems to hurt less that way.
Hide your money. Learn that you have no value to them. Whatever your supply is can be found elsewhere. They eventually destroy everything. I think they can only change with an exorcism... If even then. God told me that He can't change him because he doesn't want to change.
Wow! The more I learn about narcissism, the more I know how blessed I am to have been so strong yet gentle and empathetic, always trying to find that place where we could work things out together, as to befuddle him, which increased his anxiety and put so much stress on my narc husband that he didn't know what to say or do, so he'd just shut down, go silent; and then, when he finally erupted, it was to kick me out! It was a tremendous gift! Because I dearly loved him, was living in the town I had dreamed of living in, close to a few beautiful beaches, I'd made some good friends around town, attended a congregation, and I didn't want to leave. At that point, I had no idea what narcissism was, and I was always the optimist, believing love conquers all! God is good, and He is Love. He cares for us, watches over us to help us even when we're not aware we need help, or have any idea how much help we really need! I pray for my ex-husband that he may be healed so he can know love, and find true happiness thru loving God and loving others as he loves himself. Narcissism is not self-love; it's self- hate. It's incredibly evil and sad. May God bless all of you.
@@Matriarch57A compulsive liar… I’m waiting for the next one and/or infidelity and this time I will kick him out. He paid a very high price after being caught having an affair with his assistant and that’s the only reason to still live with me and my family.
@@analauralanda I know the feeling I felt that way myself, but I’m going to warn you ahead of time there is a grieving process. The thing you should do now is find people that are there for you. I didn’t have the opportunity to do that and it’s been a very lonely, tough road. He was 70 when he left me and I was 65 after 22 years. He left me flat and completely alone knowing full well I had cancer. His departure came at a complete shock. I didn’t think a person could possibly be so cruel. He hasn’t spoken to me since. It’s been almost two years.
damn, it's like she knew I needed this message. almost thought about sending this to the parents, hoping maybe it will somehow change things... and it's just reinforcing I need not to touch that dumpster fire. It hurts. I want a relationship... but not when it is so fucked up... 😢 Edit: it's the way she said to be seen, heard, understood... Core things I don't think my parents ever truly got there... and cannot accept that they hurt me. I don't even want an apology, let alone 'justice'...
The last time I asked my mom why everyone loves me except her and why everyone thinks highly of me except her her response was well when you wanna be nice you can be it’s almost like she is projecting😂 I finally went no contact with the whole family because they’re all a big gang😂 and honestly it has been very peaceful and healing. It is a grieving process but worth it! Finally it’s all about me And honestly anyone who’s reading this you must let go of needing them to validate any of your experience just completely let go
I asked thesame question to my mom : whydo I feel you do not love me ?she answered: every one has different ways I love you my way !After 53 years and with the precious help of D Ramani I understood evey thing and I went no contact .I feel so good and loved truly by the rest ofmy family ,my husband and daughter
I asked my Aunt once “Why don’t you ever call me, how come I have to be the one that calls you”? She said “Out of sight, out of mind”. It’s been five years since I’ve heard her voice.
Them going an inch to understand imo requires the Narc to put down the enlarged ego that they will NEVER do or change their mindset. It’s impossible for them.
I got "Sorry you feel that way." No empathy, no feedback, as I sat there pleading my case and thinking I was doing the mature thing in having a conversation.
They can be as cold as ice, then they expect us to love them. They're not capable and the damage they cause is life altering. Have feelings and wants and you're classes as selfish. My mother even held a grudge that as a kid I didn't cry when a mother died in a movie! But I cried qhen the dog died. The reason for that is I was more bonded to our dog than I was to a cold mother. I used to pretend to be asleep so she would pick me up a sleeps asleep kid. The dog wanted to protect me, spend Time and cuddle
Haha! Yes!! This is the exact automated reply I've always had from my husband. It's so true! I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll be so glad to never here that sentence ever again! What evil people they are
After I started respecting myself and setting boundaries following a narcissistic attack that devastated me, I drew another narcissist to myself who talked over me. I called him out on it. I heard my mind say, "If I explain how I feel, he'll understand" followed by, "OMG, you're doing it again. Has that ever worked?" I flushed out that demon in two conversations. And my self respect shot up even more. These demons are crafty and know exactly how to play an empath, but I'm catching on. Narcissist are great teachers!
They understand how you feel and see your point of view - they just don't care. Why should they? They benefit more from not give a rats. Wanting them to care is a complete waste of time. In fact, they will probably enjoy your reactions and poke you even harder.
Yes, They SURE do...with NOT giving a shit & doing things purposely to Piss You off & do it SO Quietly like they are Just doing nothing wrong. Or oh Yes, it WASN'T THEM"! And they are the only other ones there"!
@@8888alouette888no I disagree. I’ve never been happier away from narcissistic people. It’s narcissists that can’t survive on their own. They are vampires, and turn into desecrated versions of themselves when they are starved of attention. I’ve actually seen it with my own eyes in my father and paternal grandmother. They just shrivel up in a corner like they haven’t had a blood meal. It’s kind of scary but also satisfying to see after you’ve had a lifetime of abuse from these evil people. I don’t even think about giving them attention when they’re all dried up like that. I’m so over these evil people who I don’t even consider as family. And by corner I mean a literal corner, they hide at the back of a room or behind another wall so no one can see them. It’s so peculiar.
I've been dealing with an abusive, narcissistic, corrupt oldest brother for over 57 years now. I've learned how to deal with it, yet there will never be true healing until he no longer walks on this earth. I hope to outlive him so I can enjoy life knowing I will never have to deal with him ever again.
Go full no contact. It's the only solution. I went full no contact with my violent narc sister in 1994. Be wary - your narc brother will stalk you and lie about you
No, they won't understand it even then. They will play the innocent and insist that the consequences of their actions are your malicious acts. They will get what they deserve in the end though
This would be a really helpful video to share with everyone who's ever said to me "well did you try talking to your parents about what you're feeling and experiencing? they probably just don't understand". Like, yes. They don't understand. Because they refuse to. They don't want to understand and they don't want to exercise empathy. When I've begged them to understand how I feel or what could have led to the way I feel about them today, I get this reaction. There's nothing I can say that would get them to actually see my side of things.
This! I agree! It’s not like they don’t have empathy: they actively resist feeling it if it doesn’t actively benefit them, let alone if it inconveniences them or if it means questioning themselves or taking responsibility. They could: they just almost never prioritize it and often actively resist it.
So basically, they will NEVER see our point of view, our needs, our feelings. We are invisible to them unless we serve a purpose, either to be their punchbag or to give them validation.
1:34 After only hearing up to this point I’m already bawling my eyes out. It’s what I’ve desperately, despairingly needed, NEEDED my whole life. I am so empty inside and I don’t know how or what to feel.
I tried that! Big mistake!. Lesson well Learnt, I get it now, never to expect them to see my point of view, I was mocked and called all sorts😢, thanks for saving me🌷💖🤗....Got it! Dr.Ramani. I look forward to your validating educational videos daily, it keeps me sane.Forever grateful🙏🏾❤♥️
I remember a couple's therapist asking my ex-husband to look at my face while he was yelling at me and imagine how scared I must feel. He responded by storming out and never coming back to therapy.
Funny that the therapist never asked you how you emotionally and financially abused him throughout the years as well as used him without reciprocation for him to become this angry. Maybe he wasn’t a narcissist, but his way of dealing with constantly being used was to take it in the chin… until he couldn’t.
Whaaat? How do you know he didn't do all these things to her! What a weird comment. It sounds very much like you ARE the narccist on this page. I mean that is the most triggering gassligting shit I've ever read.
"I can see what you're saying." Then the very next time the narcissist does the same thing. It's not even real. It's lying, dismissing, and not giving a hoot.
Yeah, I now notice when someone says they get it. I ask them to reflect back to me what they heard me say. If they can’t do it, that means they don’t get it. They were only saying that so they could move on.
Whenever she talks, I ask clarifying questions, which eventually leads to a meltdown. What the good doctor speaks of are the responses I get after the meltdown.
Lol I used to find myself trying to explain that I was a human being, I'm not kidding, I'd be saying things like, "Ok, let's try this for a sec, let's pretend that we are the same species..." And in fact I was laughed at, assaulted, etc. One day it occurred to me that I was trying to convey my humanity to someone who was in fact a nazi space alien so the whole scenario was pointless 🤔
❤so sorry that happened to you😮 Similar. At some point i tried similar. His jekyl and hyde. You know the wanting to talk about life and who we are 3 years into the relationship. At home if it was spiritual he was an atheist. But with our friend group would take on my beliefs. So i thought we could talk. Two different events. I did same not even realising i was spot lighting two different realities for him to visualise. (We get so focused on getting them to understand❤) he said he isnt the type of person to be able to visualise and i was mocked lol. And same "how would you feel if every argument we had i called you your dad" when i was asking for the 5th time to not call me someone else. Boy he freaked- how dare i call him his dad... im like i didnt. I was asking for you to understand
@@Ayaime7 once they are out of the picture, you may likely find you're still haunted, like we're Still trying to defend our existence, I wake up every day to unanswerable questions, it's like we're stuck with them no matter what
So vulnerable narc mother, now depends on me, lives with me in my house. She would simply decide on things, example, hire someone to take the cabinet doors out & lots of decisions that should be consulted (does this for years). One day, I couln't stand it anymore. I blew up & said, "you need to respect me & my decisions, don't always decide on your own." And her reply, "What is respect?" I realized she doesn't know the meaning and the act of respect. It's not the old age, but I remembered my late father & her got into fights because she would move his things and keep them where he didn't know where to find. She was also controlling yet, her sons turned out to be narcs as well. They have abandoned their responsibility to our parents. I think I'm turning into one because I get angry & frustrated. I'm going crazy actually, but since finding therapy on YT then accidentally finding Dr Ramani, I'm holding onto sanity. Every night I listen & understand my situation. It is only here, I can express these thoughts. Thank you.
I'm sorry you are going through that. The anger and frustration is hard not to have when dealing with crazy makers. It's not normal behavior that they display. I hope it gets better for you. ❤ Others know how you feel... Hold your head up. 🌹
I had to tell my narc that this is how I feel and think which I know is not the way you think I should think and feel but it is never the less the way I feel. And you have no right to say otherwise. He was in total shock. He left me alone and stopped trying to tell me how I really felt. It was a win for me
I dropped the same flaming takes on my narc ex and he crawled back days later to tell me “You’re allowed to be angry, but you have to admit everything you’re saying about me isn’t true!” “I just need you to validate my love, like Im validating yours. Even though you couldn’t see it you know it was there!” And my favorite “You can’t tell me how much I loved you. ONLY I CAN” lmao he really thought he could still tell me how to think and feel even when I explicitly told him he never had the right to begin with
By watching you, I can look back and see pretty much everything you say. I can now almost laugh at it. I have my ex blocked but I still hear bits and pieces, and she is almost following it to the letter following the script. I am healing and laughing. Please keep up the great work. I hope laughing is part of healing.
The fallacy in the narcissist's perspective is that they insist that they get to define reality. They do not ever understand that this reality is just an idea in their mind and that we all have different and unique ways of experiencing the world and call it 'reality'. In effect, the narcissist is playing God and the rest of us, who do not get this are delusional. To me, this is a kind of mental illness.... there is no way to be in a real relationship with someone who plays God, and expects the rest of us to worship them.
Sooo good! Sooo true! I'm finally realizing that in order to be with them, we have to agree to their delusional reality. The so-called reality where we are inferior to them, and our wants and needs and perspectives do not matter. And that we are supposed to agree to take on their projections they insist we take. It's a mental illness! They are delusional.
I agree. They think they are God having the power & right to judge U & punish U while looking down their nose at U because they are so high & mighty. (Only in their own mind) our reality is NOT their opinion but they will never know that because their head is so deeply buried in the sand of their own world of lieing or fooling themself. Idiots! So I don't argue with em because I don't want to be an idiot two 😮❤❤❤
After I told her something she had said was upsetting to me, and after she used her response to berate me and belittle my feelings (whilst also calling my text an "attack"), I said "can you not understand my position as well?" To which I didn't receive a response EVER. She texted me the day AFTER my birthday (a month or 2 after the last text I sent) to apologize for missing the actual day because she was sooooo busy...😂 That was all the closure I needed. Completely unable to acknowledge my feelings after many years of close friendship. Laterrr to that✌🏼
Another spot on lesson on narcissism and a description of my husband, sadly. And at about 6:50, where you say the narcissist would be giving up their power, is also completely accurate. He will not lose that control no matter what.
I am in a marriage for over twenty years and throughout the years I realized that there is something wrong with my husband. The love bombing, gaslighting, lies, control, silent treatment. This has taken a toll on my health. It’s being years since I got a good sleep, I suffer from anxiety. Please I need a therapist who specialize in this kind of behaviors
If your husband is cruel to you in private but friendly and sweet in public, Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does he Do that? /Inside the minds of angry controlling men" could be helpful. For therapists, perhaps look for someone who explicitly says they have a focus upon healing from narcissistic abuse. Many therapists do not understand it and cannot provide much help.
@@Motivation762 There’s help out there for you. Talk to your doctor to gets some referrals. Call your local shelter for more information where you can go to find a good therapist.
live in manner that he calls “congruent.” This means that what we express is in harmony with what we are feeling inside. If we’re feeling angry or hurting, we acknowledge and honor that; we don’t flash a smile or pretend we’re fine. Being congruent means having the awareness and courage to be emotionally honest and genuine with ours others.
I've literally been told a few times the past year alone, in response to me desperately trying to get them to see how their behaviours affect/have affected me, ''I don't feel things deeply like you do and I'm not going to change, you don't need to feel this way, you've got serious issues'. I think right there is a determined and unyielding unwillingness to recognise their harmful behaviours. I'm resorting to getting on with my healing, personal growth and walking calmly away from circular conversations despite that. I've joined a group coaching programme - a validating space with people on the same journey as me. The latter (a safe and validating space) is so important to healing, as Dr Ramani says ❤
Thanks for the clarification! I remember grey-rocking in a familysituation and feeling the rage building up inside. I thought then that I was still too attached to my judgement of them, but you tell me now that it is part of the deal. Brilliant! Now I can let go of judging myself for still being hurt by the narcissistic bullying.
Thank you for this 🙏 Over the years I don’t know how many times I tried to explain my feelings and point of view… all I got was an ‘as long as you keep believing those stories you made up in your head, it’s never going to work out between us’ … Not being seen or heard was my childhood trauma and he made me relive it 10x worse … so thank you for reminding me that total acceptance is the only way out 🙏
That’s what I keep telling myself, cuz I’d really love to keep loving my guy. But, even if I ‘stayed’, he won’t let me love him. All I do is respond to his criticisms, provide assurances and notice projections while otherwise being shut up and shut out.
@@OfftoShambala... Loving someone is over-rated. You may not be able to turn those feelings off now, but, it does Not mean you should stay... Being at Peace is valuable
So true. Those of us exposed to narcissistic families members (thank you very much for the attention recently on narcissistic siblings) need to give up on being seen, heard or understood by these individuals. And, ask ourselves, why have we devoted so much of ourselves in seeking any validation from them? They are simply not worthy of out time and attention. My two narcissistic siblings have birthdays, two days apart this month. For several years, I have invited them for lunch to ‘acknowledge’ their birthdays on the day between. Whether I do this again this year has been a waffling decision. I need to give this up. I hope that writing this publicly will empower me to make the right decision. Professor-Elizabeth
I woke up to the fact I was validating and empathising with my mother and what she was doing was contempt, disdain and pity. I stopped doing it! I tried really hard to get close to her and she threw it in my face. She is too messed up moans to me about my father but if I complain about him it's met with a big pile of nasty! I'm done with its. I feel sad for her, guilty sometimes but far less than I did. I tried my best, now I just don't bother. I'm happier not engaging
Damn so accurate. I can recall the draining moments, not verbatim, when I was in a relationship with one. Interactions felt like bringing a horse to water, making them drink, and then teaching them a response like "yes the water was good". This horse likely will never learn to speak. It's a rough analogy but it's just the feeling of it, like no one is on the other side. Of course no one should be forced, it was my naivety in hindsight that I thought this person just needed some assistance. But they were simply incapable, whether by accident or being manipulatively intentional. Brilliant video, thank you.
It comes down to this. As you're are healing, the need for the narc to see your side of things especially when it deals with documented medical issues after combat, no longer matters. You don't need to validate what you did during the war to anyone but yourself and your shrink. I hope this helps someone out there. Take care of yourself. Namaste!
Thank You Ramani, living here several decades made me believe I was the crazy one in here, thanks to you I understand I w as dealing with narcisistic people, they seem to have no real empathy and sympathy towards others, and only see the bad experience to their ego as something bad...... exhausting
This is true. I needed to hear this. I keep telling him daily that he shows no empathy. The other day I included he needs to be more empathetic. I finally had him cornered (i thought) boy, did i learn this lesson the hard way!!!! What's he do, yup, gaslight and tell me with so much "emotion" where I went wrong the last couole days, weeks, years.. I stopped listening after the first hurtful finger point. THEN to put the cherry on top and to seal the power and control obviousness that I was overlooking at the time, he snapped his "emotions" into a dominant tone and friggen told me what he expects of me!!!!! And that's when I realized my mistake, far too late. I busted up laughing at myself because all hell a stupid was I for the moment thinking I was talking to somebody normal and how I convinced myself for just a moment I could actually get somewhere... which made me laugh. The laughter changed the tone of the congestion in his mind as well and he joined in laughing. He had no idea what was in my mind that was so funny and probably had no idea why he laughed too. Keep in mind I've spent TEN years with this person. 100% of his behavior is self defense and he's a covert N, so any way he can *get out of the discussion* he will TAKE IT .. including laughing and not knowing why. It's the only go-to I have to end the tension in the room. Clearly it's my fault for even asking for someone that's impossible both to him and to me. I apologized for causing a ruckus. No, listen, it seems like the wrong thing to do but I can't get out of the situation, okay dear. I can't leave. I don't suggest you ever apologize for your behavior. I do because I was wrong to think he will ever be normal and I can't leave.
@@j.1658 right!!! For now i have been building a great network of friends that also have the same situation. We hold each other and understand for one another. It's been the best thing ever. I don't rely on him anymore for validation or being heard.
I understand your need to use humor as a coping mechanism, and all while reading the Narc for their reaction to your humor- and yes- if it eases the tensions for both of you- you must keep mindful and get peace in seeing reality of the situation- and realizing the Narc does not know you are using humor as a coping tool. I pray you get chance to break away too though
My 95yo mother sat through my pouring my heart out to her, describing how my husband totally blew off our 50th wedding anniversary. No card, just grocery store flowers, a day late. Mom sat there, no emotion and barely a verbal ‘sorry’. That’s when I knew, beyond doubt, that I was raised by a totally narcissistic mother.
My mother when I was sad and missing me ex, the good parts as they were abusive and a d.v. relationship said maybe I should go back to them, that she could handle them! What sort of mother advises theikid to go back to a relationship like that! That somehow she could advise sort them out! Talk about victim blaming. It still took longer for me to wake up to her toxicity, losing my health was the final straw! And the lack of empathy, calling me weak, when im seriously ill
everyone hates their mothers. Mothers have it way harder than fathers, but we still all hate our mothers. Then when we are mothers we are hated too. If the mother is so horrible, where is the father??? Why didn't he protect us??? Why is it always the mother who is the monster but the father gets off scott free even when he does way less?
So glad to be over a decade past all this. Y’all will be a lot better off once you get rid of them all. And you can indeed scare these narc fools away from you. You aren’t going to learn how on this channel. No offense or disrespect to Dr. Ramani, of course. This channel is amazing for understanding and healing. It’s the other channels out there that focus on playing to the narc fears that I find interesting and very valid. Teach narcs who refuse to let you go the art of suffering. They will run. All of them. Of course, you can crank it up 100% and completely mortify them. The choice is yours. How merciful can you be once you know how to be their living nightmare?
Their nightmare and mortification, I don't give a damn. They drank so much blood that I'm not going to be merciful. They can't change and can't heal is no longer my problem. I will allow them jump of the roof if they wish so. I will call 911 and walk away... My problem is that I was raised in dysfunctional (very least) family and I was housewife for full blown NPD, my eldest son says my ex is dark tetrad, my friend doctor (rest in peace) said by her opinion he is a psychopath. My ex was diagnosed as NPD about 15 years ago by professional during couple's teraphy before his third divorce. My real care now is to take good care about myself and my emotional neglect as wee child then 64 years ago. And hope that this kind of shit stops in closest generations. Cause it war dragging my family down for three generations not including my 6 kids. Once I wanted to stop physical abuse in my family. Now I see that the problem is much more deeper.
Wow. I can see that perspective. I asked my ex to be nicer and in turn he began to be even MORE mean! I swear there is no communication with a narcissist.
I FELT this episode! Grief continues as I radically accept my sisters turn away and once they began to act like you describe, it was so painful and maddening. Grief today is no sister to heal with which, for a short time years ago, happened and it FELT incredible. She was trauma bonded too, and in her words, she chooses to not feel her feelings. It hurt to attempt that for me. This new healing journey is bringing more peace as I understand and personalize less
I tried once to get my N sib to understand how life was for me growing up - uh uh... how dare I shatter her delusional reality matrix of anything bad only happened to her in that setting.
My mother practices performative empathy and always has. The moment I realized that, it's like my own confusion made sense to me, if that makes sense? By that I mean, that I have felt alternately both supported and shamed by her, my whole life. I don't know why it was unclear to me for so long but it's no small wonder I don't want to talk to her and I have always had very good reason for that.
I used to think my ex showed "love" by doing things like DIY and projects and practical stuff instead of emotionally, but now it strikes me they were incapable of anything else. I could never work as hard or have a more difficult day or situation than rhey did.
There is a higher level if mind-f...g. Mine n.husband likes to say "I see your point of view but you don't see MINE. And it's not helpful to view things negatively. " And next manipulation like cherry 🍒 on top: " If you could only change your perception about your view of me as narcissist- I would try to see a hope in our relationships " (read: give you the affection, smile, hugs, will pretend again that I care about you - all that you were needed and desparately asked for last years).
When I finally accepted the truth about my narc parent, I forced myself to see them for who they were, and I came home and cried for 2 hours. I will never see them the same. I always kept going back into the lions den, thinking this year, this time it will be better. They are 81 and I am almost 60, they will never change. I finally let the HOPE go!
I don’t even want to say something bad , just to understand why I am still hooked after being in this as a stronger as I thought and still here??? You have such an insight ❤
I'm in therapy and finding "me" again.. being in therapy again and Dr Ramani's videos ( bless her soul !!! ) , I'm healing & getting back to being "me", and I am liking myself once again. Altho there is a long road ahead yet , it feels good to have this online support, knowing I'm not alone on this journey . Thank you all & am sending good vibes to you all !!! ❤❤
Here is one. So I called my mom to tell her my work was changing our healthcare and time clock. And I was worried because I was about four hours short each week for healthcare instead of just being coded full time. Her response - why can you only work three days a week. Because mom I work my other job the other days. Such a nasty person. So nasty
At this precise moment this hleped as much as a full therapy session. I have simply let my sister slide to a distance and suspended communication and I feel comfortable with that... but a small voice has been saying, all this while, "but she is your sister! How can you go on like this? You can't do this to your sister!" And listening to you I realise that these are the circles I have been round and round and round.
Mine is playing the victim playing like I don’t care about his feelings but called me crazy for past 4 years. It’s always a competition. When it should not be. 24 years together his whole family is blind to everything mom dad 2 sisters and brother. So no way to make it work.
shame - exploring how shame and fear are often unconscious drivers of behaviors that disserve them. Bringing gentle attention to the sneaky ways that shame shows up is often the first step toward living a more authentic and satisfying life. Shame - that gnawing sense of being flawed, defective, and unworthy of love - drives us to construct a self that we think (or hope) will be acceptable to others. Being rejected, banished, and humiliated are among the most painful human experiences. We may perpetuate our anxiety and exhaust ourselves trying to use our intelligence to figure out who we need to be in order to win the acceptance and love that we crave. Rather than relax into our natural, authentic self, we twist ourselves into knots in order to belong and feel safe. When our experience has taught us that it’s not safe to be authentic, we labor long and hard to design and polish a self that we think we be acceptable. For some people, this might be trying to showcase our cleverness, beauty, or sense of humor. For others, it might be amassing wealth or power to show the world how “successful” we’ve become. We may strive to be better than others or special in order to be loved. Trying to be someone we’re not is exhausting. Many of us have been so driven by shame to create a false self that we’ve lost touch with the goodness and beauty of who we really are. Shame and Authenticity
True But I without proper guidance took wrong turn. I needed to belong somewhere. So, in my soul I find the points of leverage to turn hurts into forgiveness, or at least indifference. It was 20 years ago and I knew just absolutely nothing about narcissism or dysfunctional family role, and how it affect wee children. Now, at age 64, I'm starting to redo all the work. With more knowledge and much more self awareness.... What you wrote is true But if you're still young and not to old, take your life into your hands and take good care of yourself.. You deserve it.... Please, don't make my mistakes
Great information... when I was younger I tried logic to build some connection with explanations. When I realized that was a waste of breath and a dead end, I decided on a better strategy. Ignore, disengage, withdraw, and ignore. If they act like they are supporting me, I know they are gathering information rearranging my words into new sentences, for gossip and weaponization. I admit it was a painful journey but it helped me place less value on other people's approval. It isn't that they don't get it, their egos are so fragile they are oppositional like a 3 year old, sadly that is all they have. I decided I don't want or need to make it work... space is what I need!
Trying to illicit empathy from a narcissist is only going to be an exercise in frustration and futility, and all you're gonna get in return is nothing but lies, gaslighting, mockery, and drama. Don't bother.
What ever happened to be authentic? I was told that I was crazy getting my hair cut last month .They did call me insane for cutting my hair shorter. I left in a rush.most embatssing moments
@@mac-ju5ot if you find it don’t let it go. Rare find today.
I think maybe the reason they get so bent out of shape when you appeal to their empathy is that they know you're asking them for something they cannot possibly provide, which makes them feel inferior. It's a way of holding up a mirror to them. When they don't like what they see, they attack the reflection.
100%
@@abracadaverousVery well put. If narcissists were honest about their lack of empathy, without defensiveness, it would still be seen by them as giving up power. They need to make sure that we can’t make informed choices.
They will only see your side of things, if they can use it to get the outcome they want. They are opportunists.
They may see your side but they'll only pretend to play along to manipulate you.
You need to work on your understanding better
@@tims9434Right, why work for their empathy. By definition, if they had empathy they aren't a narcissist. They don't have true feelings.
They will pretend to see your side temporarily to manipulate. So true.
Very true. They know they aren’t getting anything here.
They are cold blooded psychopaths with no empathy
They will never empathize although they will demand it from you.
Mine actually made it a.point to mock and minimize me because I was empathetic. He acted like he didn't know what it was...wait I guess he really didn't know...anyway as he mocked me, he would look it up on Google and then blame me and my childhood saying it was because of trauma I was so empathetic. Ironic, he failed to see (I'm probably wrong in that assumption) that is why I was there with him....
Good thing I am out now, divorced. As I write this it seems most likely another manipulative tactic from a Malignant NPD narcissist, borderline antisocial personality disorder
"You have to understand why they harm you/why I don't help you, but I refuse to let it pass if you harm me/if you don't help me"
Omg that's my mother !
I think the hardest part is giving up on someone that we loved.
I believe we need to grief. Respect this chapter, and is normal to be sad, because we had a loss. They didn´t died but we saw that they are dead inside. Kind of the same. Make a ritual, light a candle to the angels idk, something, but respect the grief.
You're grieving the IDEA of someone. The actual person is someone you're largely relieved to be away from.
@@linneasimchah1621yes. Grieving what I didn't get and will NEVER get. Letting go of that hope in someone to give me what they can't and/or don't have. Letting go and feelings the hurt, loss, sadness and pain. Grief
Fr…
thiis... why are they so mean??
If they see your side of anything, it’s only because they are using this situation to gain knowledge to use it against you. Do NOT ever let your guard down around them.
When I agreed with mine she said I was gaslighting her to manipulate her into my “web of lies” 🤦🏻♂️
Exactly 💯💯
@@mikeperkins-y2h It's a textbook maneuver for abusive people to project exactly what's going on inside them onto others. False accusations from narcs are a legitimate "tell" that reveals what they're up to.
Yep. Worries me that this ‘expert’ is trying to give us the impression that there is a way to get through to a narcissist. I won’t even watch this video any further.
When it's your Mother, and she keeps showing up in your lyfe, unannounced Boundaries? Even explained to her and it just goes through one ear and out the other...SMH.
I remember being 6 or 7 years old and thinking "if I can just say it the right way, she will understand."
Oh, my dear. I have that memory, too. And I tried, and tried.
My arms are around you, dear. Around both of our dear little girls, our inner children. We deserved to be loved.
I’m grown and STILL saying it. Now I’m his caregiver and I’m a lost soul. I am COMPLETELY LOST and I have no idea what my future looks like. Even in trying to take care of him, the mental anguish and abusive language never stops. When I ask why he just can’t love me. He answers that he loves me, but I just don’t love myself and if I would only listen to HIM…I could be “something.” It’s all MY fault. I consider being unalive all the time.
I know the same feeling!!
@@LelaElam Is this your father, dear?
From your language and structure, you seem like a fine person to know, and to have as a neighbor or community member.
He's lying about everything. He doesn't love anyone except himself, and he's doesn't even have much of that. He has NO idea about how you should be loved, or how you can be happy.
He's deficient and inadequate as a parent, and if HE had to take care of YOU it just wouldn't happen. He failed to take care of you adequately while he was rearing you, and he's failing worse and worse in his choice of words and actions.
Is there any reason why you have to caretake him? Is there an inheritance to protect?
What's in it for YOU?
@@LelaElam I want u to know, you are worthy of better. You do not deserve to be second-guessed at every turn. It sucks the vitality out of the soul. The second you are free of him you will begin to feel better. Having to care for an old narcissist is bitter and thankless but I AM PROUD OF YOU -
They are extremely unaware of anyone else's needs or rights. And in their entitlement, see themselves as always right.
I think they’re not even always unaware of others’ needs and rights. If it benefits them, for example in order to point out a third party’s reprehensible behavior, they’ll notice both just fine. Imo, it’s that they don’t generally prioritize anything that doesn’t benefit them - let alone enough to care or do anything about it - and actively resist anything that inconveniences them. Like, say, a need that would put them in the position to have to bother to help someone else or deal with the shame of not helping them and therefore not being the greatest person alive.
A successful relationship with a narcissist is you “putting up with” any behavior they see fit without judgement or consequences.
YOU LITERALLY COULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT MORE PERFECTLY! On the nose, bingo, spot on, laser accuracy, hit the nail on the head, mic drop... The basis of most of the conflict, inner turmoil, and frustration in my life... Thank you for understanding❤
That is so true. Except everything you do is met with criticism and annoyance.
@@OfftoShambala The golden rule is “rules for thee and not for me”.
They can't see beyond their noses. Anyway you're invisible to them. They don't see our side of things but blame us for things going bad and take credit when things get good.
To them you are a tool to be used to meet their needs.
Omg, that's SO funny. I would always Say," You can't see past Your Own eyelashes!! to a (Male). LOL
Oh they absolutely see well past their noses. They need to so they can get what they want all while inflicting as much damage as possible.
I think that it just boils down to the fact that the narc will NEVER see us as equals. EVER.
🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
They don't see you as equal because that serves them.
❤ YES THANK YOU!!!
100 percent!
They’ll only see you as equal if you have more. If you have a PhD and they have a masters or something like that. You have to just have more. That’s what I learned after dealing with my narc manager, to really win; you have to love yourself better than they ever did. Which you will because they never loved you or, at the very least, it just simply wasn’t enough. I realized I could do more for me than they ever could. Don’t ever look back after you get away. If you are currently dealing with one, see yourself past the relationship and start doing more for you. Hopefully you don’t have a reason to stay such as children, house, car, business, etc.
The only way a Narcissist will see your side is if they can get something out of it. It has to benefit them.
💯
Even if they actually understand, they won't care. You're just a character in their play.
Oh I like that one ..Never thought 💭 of it that way.
👍🏽
Yes! Ive even said in a therapy session with my daughter, that I’m only seen as a “prop”! I’m not an actual human, that deserves to be heard, understood, etc., but that I personally know better than that.
About a year ago I finally got enough courage to stop defending myself, stop apologizing & stop taking the bait. Even when I get a criticism about something I now say Yes I do that and it’s long overdue that I’m putting myself first👍 This had reduced my anxiety and increased my self worth.
They do understand your side - better than you do.
They gathered information and planned their campaign effectively, because they understand perfectly.
In many ways, narcs have astoundingly accurate outward perception of other people (Ramani says narcs are exceptional at reading a room), but they completely lack accurate self-awareness.
They just don't care
It’s the exaggerated “attunement” to others, for maximum control; it’s also what makes them paranoid- they think everyone does it. Master projectors.
They see what you have on your side, but they never be on your side.
@@yukio_saito Yes! They are NEVER on your side. But they expect YOU to take bullets for them.
This intriguing video serves as a poignant reminder of the heartache I've been enduring since my 7 year relationship came to an end 4 months ago. My cherished partner, the love of my life, made the difficult decision to part ways, leaving me consumed by thoughts of him. Despite my earnest attempts to win him back, I find myself facing frustration and an overwhelming sense of emptiness, unable to envision a life without his presence. Despite my efforts to move on, I'm compelled to confess my lingering feelings and longing for him here.
The process of releasing a loved one can be an uphill battle. I can relate, having navigated a similar journey when my 8 year relationship dissolved. Despite the heartache, I refused to relinquish hope and embarked on a quest to win him back. Turning to a spiritual counselor for assistance, I found guidance that ultimately led to our reconciliation.
Impressive! How did you manage to connect with a spiritual counselor, and what's the process for me to reach out to her?
Allow me to introduce Suzanne Ann Walters, a highly skilled spiritual counselor known for her expertise in rekindling past relationships.
Thank you for this invaluable information; I've just checked her out online. Very impressive indeed!
For me, it took time......a long time to heal. And it feels like a part of me has died. I'm not the same person.
The only way narcs will see your side of things is if it matches the narc's side of things. They must always be right, always, always! This was a red flag for me. Everything that came out of my mouth was criticized down to a pulp. My exnarc believed s/he was right about every single thing, even if they had no knowledge on the subject! Now that's crazy. Glad to be out and moving forward and loving myself💕
Good for you!❤
They DO NOT CARE for anything or anyone beyond theirselves.
I no longer try to get them to see my point of view. It’s not worth the stress and pain it causes me. They have many witnesses to what happened and they still deny it. Messed up. Prioritizing my safety and health. I validate myself and with healthy safe people/therapists. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
That's point I got to. After that I was just indifferent and stopped caring this made my ex MORE MAD. So man child was mad I didn't keep stroking his ego when he couldn't even treat me like a civil human w respect and I had been giving from an "empty tank" from trying time and time again.
You can’t win. If you enter a narcissistic relationship you step into a nightmare.
This reminds me of the many times when I was young when I tried to explain my side of things and was berated and humiliated. Going "no contact" is the only way to have a sane life.
If a man loves a woman - he doesn’t treat her like shit!
🙏🏽
1. Know who you are.
2. Try to know others.
Simple. Or is it?
I worked so hard on something that would never change. I heard the truth only from you dear Dr Ramani. Healing feels like heaven in itself.
Very hard lesson learned. You cant teach empathy to someone who has already been jaded by the vile reality of life.
My experience after 15 years of the BS, figure what they want from you, what exactly it is you have that keeps them staying that contributes to their existence, then work from there, and if you have to stay, give the bare minimum, just deal with that, and enjoy every other aspect of your life to the fullest without them.
...at least it seems to hurt less that way.
Great advice! 🙏
Hide your money. Learn that you have no value to them. Whatever your supply is can be found elsewhere.
They eventually destroy everything.
I think they can only change with an exorcism... If even then.
God told me that He can't change him because he doesn't want to change.
Yes, just wish I knew that about 8 Yrs.Previous...Or at least the minimum of 4 Yrs AGO!! 😕
Wow! The more I learn about narcissism, the more I know how blessed I am to have been so strong yet gentle and empathetic, always trying to find that place where we could work things out together, as to befuddle him, which increased his anxiety and put so much stress on my narc husband that he didn't know what to say or do, so he'd just shut down, go silent; and then, when he finally erupted, it was to kick me out! It was a tremendous gift! Because I dearly loved him, was living in the town I had dreamed of living in, close to a few beautiful beaches, I'd made some good friends around town, attended a congregation, and I didn't want to leave. At that point, I had no idea what narcissism was, and I was always the optimist, believing love conquers all! God is good, and He is Love. He cares for us, watches over us to help us even when we're not aware we need help, or have any idea how much help we really need! I pray for my ex-husband that he may be healed so he can know love, and find true happiness thru loving God and loving others as he loves himself. Narcissism is not self-love; it's self- hate. It's incredibly evil and sad. May God bless all of you.
That’s what I have to do.
I’ve become addicted to your messages.
Stuck with a narcissist for life, I definitely need support 😂
I thought that too until one day he just got up and left me.
@@Matriarch57A compulsive liar… I’m waiting for the next one and/or infidelity and this time I will kick him out. He paid a very high price after being caught having an affair with his assistant and that’s the only reason to still live with me and my family.
@@analauralanda
Once they find a way out, they are OUT!
@@Matriarch57 I’m waiting for the moment he fails and then I will not spare a Single tear. Just turn the switch OFF.
@@analauralanda
I know the feeling I felt that way myself, but I’m going to warn you ahead of time there is a grieving process.
The thing you should do now is find people that are there for you. I didn’t have the opportunity to do that and it’s been a very lonely, tough road.
He was 70 when he left me and I was 65 after 22 years. He left me flat and completely alone knowing full well I had cancer. His departure came at a complete shock. I didn’t think a person could possibly be so cruel. He hasn’t spoken to me since. It’s been almost two years.
never. cut all ties and walk away. you are their punching bag, and they crave your feedback from their abuse.
Ouch I never thought about it this way….that they actually like hearing about how they hurt us!
😢😢
This reminds me how very happy I am to have walked away from the people in my life who are narcissistic and how awful it was when they were around.
damn, it's like she knew I needed this message. almost thought about sending this to the parents, hoping maybe it will somehow change things... and it's just reinforcing I need not to touch that dumpster fire. It hurts. I want a relationship... but not when it is so fucked up... 😢
Edit: it's the way she said to be seen, heard, understood... Core things I don't think my parents ever truly got there... and cannot accept that they hurt me. I don't even want an apology, let alone 'justice'...
If they see your side of things, it's because they want something.
The last time I asked my mom why everyone loves me except her and why everyone thinks highly of me except her her response was well when you wanna be nice you can be it’s almost like she is projecting😂 I finally went no contact with the whole family because they’re all a big gang😂 and honestly it has been very peaceful and healing. It is a grieving process but worth it! Finally it’s all about me And honestly anyone who’s reading this you must let go of needing them to validate any of your experience just completely let go
I asked thesame question to my mom : whydo I feel you do not love me ?she answered: every one has different ways I love you my way !After 53 years and with the precious help of D Ramani I understood evey thing and I went no contact .I feel so good and loved truly by the rest ofmy family ,my husband and daughter
I asked my Aunt once “Why don’t you ever call me, how come I have to be the one that calls you”? She said “Out of sight, out of mind”. It’s been five years since I’ve heard her voice.
@@cyndim8785😮😪
Them going an inch to understand imo requires the Narc to put down the enlarged ego that they will NEVER do or change their mindset. It’s impossible for them.
I got "Sorry you feel that way." No empathy, no feedback, as I sat there pleading my case and thinking I was doing the mature thing in having a conversation.
They can be as cold as ice, then they expect us to love them. They're not capable and the damage they cause is life altering. Have feelings and wants and you're classes as selfish. My mother even held a grudge that as a kid I didn't cry when a mother died in a movie! But I cried qhen the dog died. The reason for that is I was more bonded to our dog than I was to a cold mother. I used to pretend to be asleep so she would pick me up a sleeps asleep kid. The dog wanted to protect me, spend Time and cuddle
Haha! Yes!! This is the exact automated reply I've always had from my husband. It's so true! I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll be so glad to never here that sentence ever again! What evil people they are
After I started respecting myself and setting boundaries following a narcissistic attack that devastated me, I drew another narcissist to myself who talked over me. I called him out on it. I heard my mind say, "If I explain how I feel, he'll understand" followed by, "OMG, you're doing it again. Has that ever worked?" I flushed out that demon in two conversations. And my self respect shot up even more. These demons are crafty and know exactly how to play an empath, but I'm catching on. Narcissist are great teachers!
They understand how you feel and see your point of view - they just don't care. Why should they? They benefit more from not give a rats. Wanting them to care is a complete waste of time. In fact, they will probably enjoy your reactions and poke you even harder.
Yes, They SURE do...with NOT giving a shit & doing things purposely to Piss You off & do it SO Quietly like they are Just doing nothing wrong. Or oh Yes, it WASN'T THEM"! And they are the only other ones there"!
Bingo!!!!
The level of relatability of this is mindblowing.
For them, there's no such thing as other's point of view. 😮
@@yukio_saito agree 💯
They don’t care about anybody but themselves!
Empathy and narcissism are too completely different species
🎉🎉❤❤❤❤❤
I believe they are exact opposites that can't survive on their own, like 2 sides of the same coin
@@8888alouette888no I disagree. I’ve never been happier away from narcissistic people. It’s narcissists that can’t survive on their own. They are vampires, and turn into desecrated versions of themselves when they are starved of attention.
I’ve actually seen it with my own eyes in my father and paternal grandmother. They just shrivel up in a corner like they haven’t had a blood meal. It’s kind of scary but also satisfying to see after you’ve had a lifetime of abuse from these evil people. I don’t even think about giving them attention when they’re all dried up like that. I’m so over these evil people who I don’t even consider as family.
And by corner I mean a literal corner, they hide at the back of a room or behind another wall so no one can see them. It’s so peculiar.
👍 Absolutely spot on!
@brandonhealy7158 that is what is sad about narcistic people, they are suffering inside but turn into evil when they think they have the higher hand.
My ex was one of these animals. My oldest son asked if we could get him a new brain
Things got bad. Divorced since 99.
I've been dealing with an abusive, narcissistic, corrupt oldest brother for over 57 years now. I've learned how to deal with it, yet there will never be true healing until he no longer walks on this earth. I hope to outlive him so I can enjoy life knowing I will never have to deal with him ever again.
Go full no contact. It's the only solution.
I went full no contact with my violent narc sister in 1994.
Be wary - your narc brother will stalk you and lie about you
They eventually understand my point of view when reality smacks them in the face. Reap what you sow.
@@dakoderii4221 and that rarely happens.
They are mentally ill they don't understand accountability
No, they won't understand it even then. They will play the innocent and insist that the consequences of their actions are your malicious acts.
They will get what they deserve in the end though
This would be a really helpful video to share with everyone who's ever said to me "well did you try talking to your parents about what you're feeling and experiencing? they probably just don't understand".
Like, yes. They don't understand. Because they refuse to. They don't want to understand and they don't want to exercise empathy. When I've begged them to understand how I feel or what could have led to the way I feel about them today, I get this reaction. There's nothing I can say that would get them to actually see my side of things.
This! I agree! It’s not like they don’t have empathy: they actively resist feeling it if it doesn’t actively benefit them, let alone if it inconveniences them or if it means questioning themselves or taking responsibility. They could: they just almost never prioritize it and often actively resist it.
100%
That’s a major sign that the narcissist will NEVER change!!
Aside: this burgundy colour looks lovely on you Dr Ramani!!
To see your side is to give up power. You nailed it.
So basically, they will NEVER see our point of view, our needs, our feelings. We are invisible to them unless we serve a purpose, either to be their punchbag or to give them validation.
Yup. Can’t wait for the day I escape my home situation.
They only care to social climb up the ladder
They mock you by telling you sarcastically that you're so perfect
Mine does this 😞
Totally do! I just told mine he was talking to a mirror. It slid right off my back.
They're just jealous that you are sane
You have been so instrumental in my healing from my narcissistic business partner and my situation ? SO GRATEFUL 🙏 ❤
Right there’s no collaboration only their way and control
1:34 After only hearing up to this point I’m already bawling my eyes out. It’s what I’ve desperately, despairingly needed, NEEDED my whole life. I am so empty inside and I don’t know how or what to feel.
I tried that! Big mistake!. Lesson well Learnt, I get it now, never to expect them to see my point of view, I was mocked and called all sorts😢, thanks for saving me🌷💖🤗....Got it! Dr.Ramani. I look forward to your validating educational videos daily, it keeps me sane.Forever grateful🙏🏾❤♥️
You speak truth. Thankyou xxx
I love the way that you can 'act out' what a narcissist would say! You are always spot on!
They don't have empathy installed. It'll never happen.
And they keep refusing OS updates.
I remember a couple's therapist asking my ex-husband to look at my face while he was yelling at me and imagine how scared I must feel. He responded by storming out and never coming back to therapy.
@@court1288A-gk4tz unfortunately a typical response from a narcissist
Showed his true colors there. Damn. They are so spineless.
😂😅😂😮😅😂
Funny that the therapist never asked you how you emotionally and financially abused him throughout the years as well as used him without reciprocation for him to become this angry. Maybe he wasn’t a narcissist, but his way of dealing with constantly being used was to take it in the chin… until he couldn’t.
Whaaat? How do you know he didn't do all these things to her! What a weird comment. It sounds very much like you ARE the narccist on this page. I mean that is the most triggering gassligting shit I've ever read.
"I can see what you're saying."
Then the very next time the narcissist does the same thing.
It's not even real. It's lying, dismissing, and not giving a hoot.
Yes, & I HATE that I DIDN'T EVEN See It!!! 🤷🏽🤦🏽
Yeah, I now notice when someone says they get it. I ask them to reflect back to me what they heard me say. If they can’t do it, that means they don’t get it. They were only saying that so they could move on.
Whenever she talks, I ask clarifying questions, which eventually leads to a meltdown. What the good doctor speaks of are the responses I get after the meltdown.
@CO77938 I don't understand the point of interrogating everything a person says until they break down. Are you a sadist?
@@madge2114 Nope. What is sadistic in asking questions? The questions lead to the truth, which is difficult for them to face.
Lol I used to find myself trying to explain that I was a human being, I'm not kidding, I'd be saying things like, "Ok, let's try this for a sec, let's pretend that we are the same species..." And in fact I was laughed at, assaulted, etc. One day it occurred to me that I was trying to convey my humanity to someone who was in fact a nazi space alien so the whole scenario was pointless 🤔
❤so sorry that happened to you😮
Similar. At some point i tried similar. His jekyl and hyde. You know the wanting to talk about life and who we are 3 years into the relationship. At home if it was spiritual he was an atheist. But with our friend group would take on my beliefs. So i thought we could talk. Two different events. I did same not even realising i was spot lighting two different realities for him to visualise. (We get so focused on getting them to understand❤) he said he isnt the type of person to be able to visualise and i was mocked lol.
And same "how would you feel if every argument we had i called you your dad" when i was asking for the 5th time to not call me someone else. Boy he freaked- how dare i call him his dad... im like i didnt. I was asking for you to understand
@@Ayaime7 once they are out of the picture, you may likely find you're still haunted, like we're Still trying to defend our existence, I wake up every day to unanswerable questions, it's like we're stuck with them no matter what
Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
They are insane, my husband thinks there is hope after he discarded me twice. Never again...
Stay strong, please. And take good care of yourself 🍀🙏
So vulnerable narc mother, now depends on me, lives with me in my house. She would simply decide on things, example, hire someone to take the cabinet doors out & lots of decisions that should be consulted (does this for years). One day, I couln't stand it anymore. I blew up & said, "you need to respect me & my decisions, don't always decide on your own." And her reply, "What is respect?" I realized she doesn't know the meaning and the act of respect. It's not the old age, but I remembered my late father & her got into fights because she would move his things and keep them where he didn't know where to find. She was also controlling yet, her sons turned out to be narcs as well. They have abandoned their responsibility to our parents. I think I'm turning into one because I get angry & frustrated. I'm going crazy actually, but since finding therapy on YT then accidentally finding Dr Ramani, I'm holding onto sanity. Every night I listen & understand my situation. It is only here, I can express these thoughts. Thank you.
I'm sorry you are going through that. The anger and frustration is hard not to have when dealing with crazy makers. It's not normal behavior that they display.
I hope it gets better for you. ❤ Others know how you feel... Hold your head up. 🌹
@@americawaters4257 Thank you for your kind words. Bless your heart. I'll try my best.
I had to tell my narc that this is how I feel and think which I know is not the way you think I should think and feel but it is never the less the way I feel. And you have no right to say otherwise. He was in total shock. He left me alone and stopped trying to tell me how I really felt. It was a win for me
I dropped the same flaming takes on my narc ex and he crawled back days later to tell me “You’re allowed to be angry, but you have to admit everything you’re saying about me isn’t true!” “I just need you to validate my love, like Im validating yours. Even though you couldn’t see it you know it was there!” And my favorite “You can’t tell me how much I loved you. ONLY I CAN” lmao he really thought he could still tell me how to think and feel even when I explicitly told him he never had the right to begin with
@@macaroniwerewolf7063 it's interesting how they interpret validation.
By watching you, I can look back and see pretty much everything you say. I can now almost laugh at it. I have my ex blocked but I still hear bits and pieces, and she is almost following it to the letter following the script. I am healing and laughing. Please keep up the great work. I hope laughing is part of healing.
It's good to laugh at the absurdity of it all! Once you can get there.
@cameojh8341 thank you. I admit I have been tempted, but so far, I stayed strong
Actually humor is extremely important. It bolsters resilience.
The fallacy in the narcissist's perspective is that they insist that they get to define reality. They do not ever understand that this reality is just an idea in their mind and that we all have different and unique ways of experiencing the world and call it 'reality'. In effect, the narcissist is playing God and the rest of us, who do not get this are delusional. To me, this is a kind of mental illness.... there is no way to be in a real relationship with someone who plays God, and expects the rest of us to worship them.
Sooo good! Sooo true! I'm finally realizing that in order to be with them, we have to agree to their delusional reality. The so-called reality where we are inferior to them, and our wants and needs and perspectives do not matter. And that we are supposed to agree to take on their projections they insist we take. It's a mental illness! They are delusional.
I agree. They think they are God having the power & right to judge U & punish U while looking down their nose at U because they are so high & mighty. (Only in their own mind) our reality is NOT their opinion but they will never know that because their head is so deeply buried in the sand of their own world of lieing or fooling themself. Idiots! So I don't argue with em because I don't want to be an idiot two 😮❤❤❤
This!!!🎉
Beautifully put. Thank you for this.
After I told her something she had said was upsetting to me, and after she used her response to berate me and belittle my feelings (whilst also calling my text an "attack"), I said "can you not understand my position as well?" To which I didn't receive a response EVER. She texted me the day AFTER my birthday (a month or 2 after the last text I sent) to apologize for missing the actual day because she was sooooo busy...😂
That was all the closure I needed. Completely unable to acknowledge my feelings after many years of close friendship. Laterrr to that✌🏼
Another spot on lesson on narcissism and a description of my husband, sadly. And at about 6:50, where you say the narcissist would be giving up their power, is also completely accurate. He will not lose that control no matter what.
I am in a marriage for over twenty years and throughout the years I realized that there is something wrong with my husband. The love bombing, gaslighting, lies, control, silent treatment. This has taken a toll on my health. It’s being years since I got a good sleep, I suffer from anxiety. Please I need a therapist who specialize in this kind of behaviors
Any suggestions on a therapist.
@@Motivation762Call your local hospital and ask for a mental health professional, they will hook you up.
If your husband is cruel to you in private but friendly and sweet in public, Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does he Do that? /Inside the minds of angry controlling men" could be helpful. For therapists, perhaps look for someone who explicitly says they have a focus upon healing from narcissistic abuse. Many therapists do not understand it and cannot provide much help.
thank you! If Dr. Ramani read my message and can help I would me so grateful. Need immediate counseling.
@@Motivation762 There’s help out there for you. Talk to your doctor to gets some referrals. Call your local shelter for more information where you can go to find a good therapist.
live in manner that he calls “congruent.” This means that what we express is in harmony with what we are feeling inside. If we’re feeling angry or hurting, we acknowledge and honor that; we don’t flash a smile or pretend we’re fine. Being congruent means having the awareness and courage to be emotionally honest and genuine with ours others.
Omg she just described our entire night last night! He said I’m psycho and that he’d have to be delusional to agree with me.
I've literally been told a few times the past year alone, in response to me desperately trying to get them to see how their behaviours affect/have affected me, ''I don't feel things deeply like you do and I'm not going to change, you don't need to feel this way, you've got serious issues'. I think right there is a determined and unyielding unwillingness to recognise their harmful behaviours. I'm resorting to getting on with my healing, personal growth and walking calmly away from circular conversations despite that. I've joined a group coaching programme - a validating space with people on the same journey as me. The latter (a safe and validating space) is so important to healing, as Dr Ramani says ❤
Thanks for the clarification! I remember grey-rocking in a familysituation and feeling the rage building up inside. I thought then that I was still too attached to my judgement of them, but you tell me now that it is part of the deal. Brilliant! Now I can let go of judging myself for still being hurt by the narcissistic bullying.
Thank you for this 🙏
Over the years I don’t know how many times I tried to explain my feelings and point of view… all I got was an ‘as long as you keep believing those stories you made up in your head, it’s never going to work out between us’ … Not being seen or heard was my childhood trauma and he made me relive it 10x worse … so thank you for reminding me that total acceptance is the only way out 🙏
To paraphrase Maya Angelou, "The next time someone shows you who they Really are - you might want to Believe them. . . the First Time."
That’s what I keep telling myself, cuz I’d really love to keep loving my guy. But, even if I ‘stayed’, he won’t let me love him. All I do is respond to his criticisms, provide assurances and notice projections while otherwise being shut up and shut out.
@@OfftoShambala... Loving someone is over-rated. You may not be able to turn those feelings off now, but, it does Not mean you should stay... Being at Peace is valuable
So true. Those of us exposed to narcissistic families members (thank you very much for the attention recently on narcissistic siblings) need to give up on being seen, heard or understood by these individuals. And, ask ourselves, why have we devoted so much of ourselves in seeking any validation from them? They are simply not worthy of out time and attention.
My two narcissistic siblings have birthdays, two days apart this month. For several years, I have invited them for lunch to ‘acknowledge’ their birthdays on the day between. Whether I do this again this year has been a waffling decision. I need to give this up. I hope that writing this publicly will empower me to make the right decision. Professor-Elizabeth
I woke up to the fact I was validating and empathising with my mother and what she was doing was contempt, disdain and pity. I stopped doing it! I tried really hard to get close to her and she threw it in my face. She is too messed up moans to me about my father but if I complain about him it's met with a big pile of nasty! I'm done with its. I feel sad for her, guilty sometimes but far less than I did. I tried my best, now I just don't bother. I'm happier not engaging
After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!
Damn so accurate. I can recall the draining moments, not verbatim, when I was in a relationship with one. Interactions felt like bringing a horse to water, making them drink, and then teaching them a response like "yes the water was good". This horse likely will never learn to speak. It's a rough analogy but it's just the feeling of it, like no one is on the other side. Of course no one should be forced, it was my naivety in hindsight that I thought this person just needed some assistance. But they were simply incapable, whether by accident or being manipulatively intentional.
Brilliant video, thank you.
It comes down to this. As you're are healing, the need for the narc to see your side of things especially when it deals with documented medical issues after combat, no longer matters. You don't need to validate what you did during the war to anyone but yourself and your shrink. I hope this helps someone out there. Take care of yourself. Namaste!
Thank You Ramani, living here several decades made me believe I was the crazy one in here, thanks to you I understand I w as dealing with narcisistic people, they seem to have no real empathy and sympathy towards others, and only see the bad experience to their ego as something bad...... exhausting
They just goated me and building some edited case file on me, this keeps annoying me
WHEN ALL IVE DONE MY ENTIRE LIFE IS GIVING MY BEST EFFORTS TO OTHERS :(((((
This is true. I needed to hear this. I keep telling him daily that he shows no empathy.
The other day I included he needs to be more empathetic. I finally had him cornered (i thought) boy, did i learn this lesson the hard way!!!! What's he do, yup, gaslight and tell me with so much "emotion" where I went wrong the last couole days, weeks, years.. I stopped listening after the first hurtful finger point. THEN to put the cherry on top and to seal the power and control obviousness that I was overlooking at the time, he snapped his "emotions" into a dominant tone and friggen told me what he expects of me!!!!! And that's when I realized my mistake, far too late. I busted up laughing at myself because all hell a stupid was I for the moment thinking I was talking to somebody normal and how I convinced myself for just a moment I could actually get somewhere... which made me laugh. The laughter changed the tone of the congestion in his mind as well and he joined in laughing. He had no idea what was in my mind that was so funny and probably had no idea why he laughed too.
Keep in mind I've spent TEN years with this person. 100% of his behavior is self defense and he's a covert N, so any way he can *get out of the discussion* he will TAKE IT .. including laughing and not knowing why. It's the only go-to I have to end the tension in the room. Clearly it's my fault for even asking for someone that's impossible both to him and to me. I apologized for causing a ruckus. No, listen, it seems like the wrong thing to do but I can't get out of the situation, okay dear. I can't leave. I don't suggest you ever apologize for your behavior. I do because I was wrong to think he will ever be normal and I can't leave.
@@KasumiRose77 may not be a way out today but surely at some point you’ll let someone else enjoy this nightmare.
@@j.1658 right!!! For now i have been building a great network of friends that also have the same situation. We hold each other and understand for one another. It's been the best thing ever. I don't rely on him anymore for validation or being heard.
🍀 🙂 Please, take good care of yourself 🍀🙏
@@matikramer9648 I'm trying my best
I understand your need to use humor as a coping mechanism, and all while reading the Narc for their reaction to your humor- and yes- if it eases the tensions for both of you- you must keep mindful and get peace in seeing reality of the situation- and realizing the Narc does not know you are using humor as a coping tool. I pray you get chance to break away too though
My 95yo mother sat through my pouring my heart out to her, describing how my husband totally blew off our 50th wedding anniversary. No card, just grocery store flowers, a day late. Mom sat there, no emotion and barely a verbal ‘sorry’. That’s when I knew, beyond doubt, that I was raised by a totally narcissistic mother.
What?What did you think then and now of your husband?
My mother when I was sad and missing me ex, the good parts as they were abusive and a d.v. relationship said maybe I should go back to them, that she could handle them! What sort of mother advises theikid to go back to a relationship like that! That somehow she could advise sort them out! Talk about victim blaming. It still took longer for me to wake up to her toxicity, losing my health was the final straw! And the lack of empathy, calling me weak, when im seriously ill
everyone hates their mothers. Mothers have it way harder than fathers, but we still all hate our mothers. Then when we are mothers we are hated too. If the mother is so horrible, where is the father??? Why didn't he protect us??? Why is it always the mother who is the monster but the father gets off scott free even when he does way less?
So glad to be over a decade past all this. Y’all will be a lot better off once you get rid of them all. And you can indeed scare these narc fools away from you.
You aren’t going to learn how on this channel. No offense or disrespect to Dr. Ramani, of course. This channel is amazing for understanding and healing.
It’s the other channels out there that focus on playing to the narc fears that I find interesting and very valid. Teach narcs who refuse to let you go the art of suffering. They will run. All of them.
Of course, you can crank it up 100% and completely mortify them. The choice is yours. How merciful can you be once you know how to be their living nightmare?
Their nightmare and mortification, I don't give a damn. They drank so much blood that I'm not going to be merciful. They can't change and can't heal is no longer my problem. I will allow them jump of the roof if they wish so. I will call 911 and walk away... My problem is that I was raised in dysfunctional (very least) family and I was housewife for full blown NPD, my eldest son says my ex is dark tetrad, my friend doctor (rest in peace) said by her opinion he is a psychopath. My ex was diagnosed as NPD about 15 years ago by professional during couple's teraphy before his third divorce. My real care now is to take good care about myself and my emotional neglect as wee child then 64 years ago.
And hope that this kind of shit stops in closest generations. Cause it war dragging my family down for three generations not including my 6 kids. Once I wanted to stop physical abuse in my family. Now I see that the problem is much more deeper.
Thank you for posting even after a holiday! Needed to get back into the productive and healing mindset. ❤
Wow. I can see that perspective.
I asked my ex to be nicer and in turn he began to be even MORE mean! I swear there is no communication with a narcissist.
I FELT this episode! Grief continues as I radically accept my sisters turn away and once they began to act like you describe, it was so painful and maddening. Grief today is no sister to heal with which, for a short time years ago, happened and it FELT incredible. She was trauma bonded too, and in her words, she chooses to not feel her feelings.
It hurt to attempt that for me. This new healing journey is bringing more peace as I understand and personalize less
🍀
I tried once to get my N sib to understand how life was for me growing up - uh uh... how dare I shatter her delusional reality matrix of anything bad only happened to her in that setting.
My mother practices performative empathy and always has. The moment I realized that, it's like my own confusion made sense to me, if that makes sense? By that I mean, that I have felt alternately both supported and shamed by her, my whole life.
I don't know why it was unclear to me for so long but it's no small wonder I don't want to talk to her and I have always had very good reason for that.
I used to think my ex showed "love" by doing things like DIY and projects and practical stuff instead of emotionally, but now it strikes me they were incapable of anything else. I could never work as hard or have a more difficult day or situation than rhey did.
There is a higher level if mind-f...g. Mine n.husband likes to say "I see your point of view but you don't see MINE. And it's not helpful to view things negatively. "
And next manipulation like cherry 🍒 on top: " If you could only change your perception about your view of me as narcissist- I would try to see a hope in our relationships " (read: give you the affection, smile, hugs, will pretend again that I care about you - all that you were needed and desparately asked for last years).
Be strong enough to be honest and kind to yourself a marvel gaze
🍀 Amein
When I finally accepted the truth about my narc parent, I forced myself to see them for who they were, and I came home and cried for 2 hours. I will never see them the same. I always kept going back into the lions den, thinking this year, this time it will be better. They are 81 and I am almost 60, they will never change. I finally let the HOPE go!
I don’t even want to say something bad , just to understand why I am still hooked after being in this as a stronger as I thought and still here??? You have such an insight ❤
I'm in therapy and finding "me" again.. being in therapy again and Dr Ramani's videos ( bless her soul !!! ) , I'm healing & getting back to being "me", and I am liking myself once again. Altho there is a long road ahead yet , it feels good to have this online support, knowing I'm not alone on this journey . Thank you all & am sending good vibes to you all !!! ❤❤
Here is one. So I called my mom to tell her my work was changing our healthcare and time clock. And I was worried because I was about four hours short each week for healthcare instead of just being coded full time. Her response - why can you only work three days a week. Because mom I work my other job the other days. Such a nasty person. So nasty
At this precise moment this hleped as much as a full therapy session. I have simply let my sister slide to a distance and suspended communication and I feel comfortable with that... but a small voice has been saying, all this while, "but she is your sister! How can you go on like this? You can't do this to your sister!" And listening to you I realise that these are the circles I have been round and round and round.
😂 5:51 you described their mockery tone so well..."let's go live in fairy tale land together"....Never going to see your pov. Thanks Dr.Ramani❤❤
This is exactly what my still husband (separated) does, it made me so frustrated and made me feel sick
Your videos are so helpful. Deeply appreciative 🙏🏼❤️✨
Mine is playing the victim playing like I don’t care about his feelings but called me crazy for past 4 years. It’s always a competition. When it should not be. 24 years together his whole family is blind to everything mom dad 2 sisters and brother. So no way to make it work.
shame - exploring how shame and fear are often unconscious drivers of behaviors that disserve them. Bringing gentle attention to the sneaky ways that shame shows up is often the first step toward living a more authentic and satisfying life.
Shame - that gnawing sense of being flawed, defective, and unworthy of love - drives us to construct a self that we think (or hope) will be acceptable to others. Being rejected, banished, and humiliated are among the most painful human experiences. We may perpetuate our anxiety and exhaust ourselves trying to use our intelligence to figure out who we need to be in order to win the acceptance and love that we crave. Rather than relax into our natural, authentic self, we twist ourselves into knots in order to belong and feel safe.
When our experience has taught us that it’s not safe to be authentic, we labor long and hard to design and polish a self that we think we be acceptable. For some people, this might be trying to showcase our cleverness, beauty, or sense of humor. For others, it might be amassing wealth or power to show the world how “successful” we’ve become. We may strive to be better than others or special in order to be loved.
Trying to be someone we’re not is exhausting. Many of us have been so driven by shame to create a false self that we’ve lost touch with the goodness and beauty of who we really are.
Shame and Authenticity
True
But I without proper guidance took wrong turn. I needed to belong somewhere. So, in my soul I find the points of leverage to turn hurts into forgiveness, or at least indifference.
It was 20 years ago and I knew just absolutely nothing about narcissism or dysfunctional family role, and how it affect wee children.
Now, at age 64, I'm starting to redo all the work. With more knowledge and much more self awareness....
What you wrote is true
But if you're still young and not to old, take your life into your hands and take good care of yourself.. You deserve it.... Please, don't make my mistakes
Great information... when I was younger I tried logic to build some connection with explanations. When I realized that was a waste of breath and a dead end, I decided on a better strategy. Ignore, disengage, withdraw, and ignore. If they act like they are supporting me, I know they are gathering information rearranging my words into new sentences, for gossip and weaponization. I admit it was a painful journey but it helped me place less value on other people's approval. It isn't that they don't get it, their egos are so fragile they are oppositional like a 3 year old, sadly that is all they have. I decided I don't want or need to make it work... space is what I need!