Why You Shouldn’t Wait for an Apology
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- Опубліковано 21 вер 2024
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Living through a rough childhood, it’s hard not to hope that ONE day, the parents who neglected you and made life chaotic will SEE - they’ll come around and admit what they did, and how they didn’t take care of you, and they’ll tell you how sorry they are. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who wants to heal, but imagines that only when she gets an apology can she ever be free of the wounds of trauma.
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The hardest lesson I had to learn was that my father would never apologize for his actions. Once I accepted that, I was able to start healing.
For me too, regarding my mother. She CANNOT, does not have the ability to, will NEVER, apologize for anything/everything she did to me.
I "lost hope" that she would ever apologize to me, which was the best thing for my recovery and healing. I'm not waiting on her anymore! I'm moving forward and becoming my own loving parent.
@janeyrevanescence12 Me, too. The words "I'm sorry" were not in my dad's vocabulary. While I was growing up, my mom tended to wave off my concerns/pain like the letter writer in the video. I think she was just too wrapped up in the misery that was her marriage to my dad. But in her later life we cultivated a more honest mindful relationship and were able to revisit some things and clear up misunderstandings.
But do you still have a relationship with your father? My father refuses to admit he does anything to jeopardize family relationships. He wonder why my sibling & I aren't close to him. 🙄
I am very happy to hear that🙏👏☀️🌟
That must have been a very satisfacting feeling of harmony and happiness😀
"...when Hope finally dies, you're free". Amazing!
Nobody talks about how hope is a poison! What if there was no hope? What would we do differently?
Yes, that's another one that's going on my fridge!
Right? Like a revelation to many of us!
Hope keeps you in a state of emotional limbo. Once you give up hope, you get unstuck and can finally move on.
They won’t apologize because narcissists often see themselves as perpetual victims
We don't all have narcissist parents. Some are just stupidly clueless as to what a healthy childhood is and think they're doing the best they can
Correct. My mom wrote me a letter. It didnt help.
Not buying it. Many times they are getting off on it. @@slbarbieri1725
Antonia, I hope you're reading the comments. I'm almost 20 years older than you with dreadful shitty parents and I came to the realisation that no verbal apology was ever going to be enough and they were never ever going to make up for the horrendous abvse they piled on me from when I was a baby. I don't have any siblings, so apart from my husband, I don't have anyone who'll listen to me. In an ideal world, having friends would be helpful but the truth is, they're there for you the first couple of times but by the third time, they're like, "God, AGAIN??" because it's not something that just goes away. You're ALWAYS thinking about it and that's what people don't get.
Your mother will never make up for the terrible things she did to you. There are NO benefits to having her in your life. Yes, I can only talk from my own experience, but people like her feed off of your goodness and the second you give them an inch, they will come leeching back. You don't live with her, you're not around her all the time. Don't listen to people who don't know your situation and you all sorts of bullsh!t about the importance of family. Don't listen to them. They don't know what they're talking about.
My mother doesn't have my phone number and despite me telling her never to contact me again, she still contacts my husband because she still has his number. She leaves voice messages in another language which my husband doesn't understand, so I HAVE to listen to it. See what she's doing? This is SUCH a horribly manipulative move. She used to turn up at our house unannounced and uninvited and since then, we've moved and she doesn't know where we live.
Since I was a child when we immigrated, my name was on the back of my mother's citizenship certificate and she refused to give it to me when I was applying for jobs. I was finally able to get my own copy but it was a lot more difficult to obtain, even though I've been a citizen for over 30 years. My husband and I also struggled unnecessarily in our 20s from the financial burden my mother heaped on us, which made us completely 'stuck' in our horrible situation for many years. All of those years we could've been a free, young married couple were destroyed by my mother's manipulations.
When you're in your 20s, it hasn't been than long since you've left home and you still have that hope that things will get better. If it did, I would absolutely encourage you to just wait it out but I KNOW what the actual truth is and want to tell you to go absolute no-contact with your mother. You can't celebrate anything with her, anything good in your life, she'll try to destroy, she'll never be happy for you and she will certainly never be there to support you when you need someone. What tf kind of mother is that?? Exactly what Anna said - when hope finally dies, you're free.
I'm not someone who's watched some movies and read a few books and have some kind of idealised view of this situation. I'm someone who's spent the last 2 decades just trying to get away from her because things will NEVER improve. Don't pay attention to someone who tells you how they were in a similar situation but miraculously they're in a good relationship with their parents now. That's going to prevent you from moving on and living YOUR life. You have much to look forward to and you deserve a good life, free from the stress of a destructive parent.
Anna is a more knowledgeable and compassionate person than many in the field.
She's relatable. ❤
never wanted an apology wanted change in the present
Perfect timing! Their lack of acknowledgment has really been bothering me lately. Maybe it’s because they’ve actually got a part of me convinced I’m just being dramatic and bitter. Healing is so hard.
this is the worst feeling. the gaslighting from my narcissist parent has made me question so many things that I now gaslight myself constantly. Am I just dramatic? Was he just doing his best and didn't know any better? or, like I remember, did he scream and threaten and belittle until I finally caved?
It took me a long time to realize my older brother would never see how abusive he was and would never apologize for it. He thinks he’s the victim and always will.
Very few of our parents could have conceved of such open-minded thinking, we are lucky we can figure this stuff out, so we can let go and move healing
Wooooow...you literally posted this when I was battling with this need need for an apology..just yesterday I was triggered again and this need cropped up again...❤❤thank you Anna. I appreciate and love you for the work you do in helping some of us tortured souls find some relief.
We're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I had a good childhood and I apply your practical advice towards improving how I heal from relationships that happened and better manage the ones I still have in my life. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My parents were "unwell" themselves for the longest time and would not take responsibility for their actions. It's a hard road for sure. There was nothing I could do except distance myself from them. I also sought help. I'm 59 now, still have "anxiety" issues. Hang in there. You are not responsible for their choices.
I'm in your same boat, and I'm just as seasick as you. We can do this.
Mother and Father are roles that require certain actions of the person who wants to take on that role. If a person doesn't do the things that are required of that role, they aren't taking on that role. A bodybuilder who doesn't work out isn't a bodybuilder. Parents who don't parent are little more than DNA donors. If they want to act that way, you can't do anything about their actions, but you can change how you react and what you do.
"Parents who don't parent are little more than DNA donors." Our culture is failing an important test when this is not commonly understood!
This may seem to be an awful thing to say,but it's how I truly feel. I'm the oldest surviving member of my family and there is so much relief in that knowledge it's almost impossible to explain. But the guilt I feel related to this issue is crippling..
An apology??? You're kidding. I never expected one to begin with. I knew better.
~Wow, what amazing timing!~I had just finally made peace with knowing id never be accepted, understood, liked, or even believed~Id never be listened to, or understand why i still wasnt good enough ~Then, right as i felt relief, my Mom decides she wants to visit, and wants to hear about my life, etc.~It was hard, but i told her i cant handle a visit, id be too afraid of saying or doing the wrong, which is true~I didnt explain, cuz she would have gotten mad, but im not gonna put myself through that~By emailing i can be very careful what i say, re-read it first, and have much better odds at no drama~I know things will not change, and thats ok!~
Too late! They died. How do I accept that I'll never get the apologies or explanations I need?
I am so sorry for you 😢
Sorry you experienced terrible trauma in your life.
I hope you find healing and happiness ❤
This is my mother also 😢
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
You have helped me so much and I wanted to say thank you for all you do.
Wow, we're so happy to hear that! Thank you for being a part of our community :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
My husband and I got an apology but it didn’t seem to matter.
Amen, Anna! I love this hope-giving advice!
Wow, this person's early life is almost exactly like mine, except my mum was the one doing the financial abuse and physical abuse.
In my entire life only 3 people sincerely apologized to me. I’m 49. While I’m beyond grateful for these people. I don’t expect apologies anymore. I’m also not talking about apologies from mistakes people have made. I’ve made mistakes & apologized too. I’m talking the major stuff.
Edit: since you believe your mom is a narc you need to go no contact. I’m sorry. The odds of you getting an apology are slim. The odds of finding a needle in a haystack are better.
Exactly. And apology is fake unless they make the commitment to right the wrongs they have done to you. Just a verbal "I'm sorry" is not an apology. They're just words.
My parents already past in 2005 and 2017 ,I'm happy that i could talk surtenthings out and forgave her, took care off her during her altzheimer period at my house. Then she went back to her birth home in a carecentre. I had EMDR treatment in 2022. I guess my daughter experienced my relation with her father ,a alcoholic as very toxic she told me goodbey last year.. i don't understand after al i have been through with her and her older brother they hate eachother to. I will try to get my kids go in therapy with me. Aldo my son has nothingvafainst me, but his relationships don't go anywhere to so there must be something cleared up here. I'm about to become 60 next month.
LMAO who is expecting an apology? Even if you get it, it won't do much
Jesus said forgive them Father, they know not what they do
Thanks
😢😢
🙏❤️🙏
No. It's not true.
What?