How to Handle a Rebellious Child
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- Опубліковано 21 лип 2022
- Watch the full episode - • 2017 Maps of Meaning 0...
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I guess that's ok.
My son is 5 he is behind some of his speech and more so on his controling his emotions. We started to buckle down and notice and react in certain ways we never know was possible. Blessed so very much to find a mentor and come to see the errer in my own ways and pray others can also see and help sooner than later. Im a failure as a father in my past and now i see a reality clear as day now where i can stand and be commited to progress and not repress. Anyone can change there way and there thoughts. Even Satan used to be an angle. Ty Jordan for the many hours u put into the greater good and the calling of Truth.
Rene Guenon, Julius Evola, leo strauss. You're welcome
Here’s a super important tip from a previous rebellious child (and a girl at that): find out why your child is rebellious. I laughed when my parents spanked me. I didn’t have tantrums but I was overly controlled. Attunement, guidance, compassion that’s what I needed. There are many different situations.
1:37 when you tell a Republican that people should make a fair wage.
It’s absolutely insane how people don’t like this man.
People don't like truth. Most of people would like to live their lives in their cardboard bubbles than seek for truth.
It's a special kind of minority that doesn't like him. Those full of resentment aiming down.
It's a good test actually.
Some of his takes are abrasive and rude, but if you are not a spoiled baby, you can get past that and enjoy lectures like these. The babies are on both sides. Let's not pretend that the kooks on the right are any more tolerant than the ones on the left.
they don't like his political views but also how his answers regarding psychology don't go along with far leftist ideology
I like him for sure, but some of what he says I do disagree with. I think he is good at what he does but not his views with in politics. That’s all.
I used to teach Taekwondo. I had one kid that I didn't like. He didn't listen, he was annoying, he generally didn't have a great attitude. But one day, he did a great job with everything. And I told his Dad, "He did a great job today."
The next class, that kid came up to me and thanked me. It really made his day that not only did I notice, but I made sure his Dad knew, too.
I'll take note about this
@@user-wq2wj2ph8m
Praising someone has positive effect on them.
I'm sorry but did you really now know this ?
@@54356776You'd be surprised how much a simple concept such as this gets lost on so many people. You just got it wrong, for example. Praise doesn't always have a positive effect on people. It's genuinely recognizing and reinforcing good behavior that does.
a SMACK would save time and instill a sense of being cared for.
@@user-wq2wj2ph8mI’ll take won do
My Dad used to always say, only half-joking, "Your reward for good behavior is no punishment." I NEVER heard the words, "I'm proud of you." Just recently, my dentist told his assistant, " Wow, it looks like we have a flosser here." I was actually only flossing a couple of times a week, but since he noticed, I've started flossing twice a day. It occurred to me that his positive reinforcement of my occasional flossing motivated me far more than all the years my previous dentists said, "You need to floss more!"
And what about flossing for yourself instead of whatever the dentist says? You sound like a child-adult. Needs external stimuli do to the correct thing.
yeah but it strikes me that perhaps to reach positive encouragement one has to be disciplined
Totally, but I also see the blowback of doing this on a large scale. I have incompetent Gen z coworkers who reject criticism and explicitly ask for more complements for doing the bare minimum. Kids need some of the stick and some of the carrot.
Yes I see your point. Something I truly believe is that if all you ever do is correct a child, and don’t encourage them much, then what you’re really teaching them is that they’re not enough.
Encouraging them in TRUTH seems to cultivate this invisible mental environment that brings forth good fruit.
@@fotisvon9943positive encouragement disciplines you. Nobody becomes his best self through fear.
Jordan Peterson is the kind of man that can truly put into words for a non-parent, how difficult being a parent is, while explaining all the blessings it comes with.
ua-cam.com/video/hSNWkRw53Jo/v-deo.html
As a parent the only blessing is the knowledge that one day I will be dead and free of them..
@@74KU lol!
@@74KU😂
@@74KUlol well said
I've learned the hard way that you can't reason with kids when they get into temper tantrums. They literally cannot use any logical portion of their brain, they just need to be conditioned over time to learn to gain control. The hard part about being a parent is just like Jordan says, you have to keep your cool and you cannot hold grudges in any capacity with your child. If you've never had kids or dealt with them in a childcare capacity, that is way harder than you think it is. Prior to becoming a parent, if anyone treated you the way your kids do when they're acting badly, you would cut that person out of your life immediately and never speak to them again. So, you're in essence trying to overcome your own mental wiring to keep yourself collected in those moments and in the aftermath.
Lol, even adults have a hard time using logic during those moments.
Understanding that we are/were the same way, and not holding resentment to yourself for the behavior I think is important.
The behaviors that piss us off the most tend to be the things about ourselves we dont like. Like recovered addicts are usually the most judgemental about active addicts.
Exactly, and autism is not easy
Yeah we saw adults aren't that different on Jan 6 lol
@@binmcbin1890 exactly! People peacefully protesting, and just like spoiled children the democrats couldn't handle people disagreeing with them so they shot and beat protesters then lied to the world about it. The lack of father figures has drastic consequences
I wish I had a father like him. And I would love for him to know how much of an impact he's had on my way of thinking, parenting, communication.
I love this man.
He is a beautiful mind
Better yet, try to be a parent like that one day
@@Based_investor Lol absolutely. When he says it's a sight to behold, it truly is.
We all wish we had a father like this.
💖👍👍
He wasn’t a good father though. Its easier said than done.
6:00 "As soon as you get compliance, specially when the compliance is in the best interest of the child, you want to reward it instantly" Thats a gold nugget right between all the stories... dont let it slip through your fingers!
unfortunately peterson did not do that with his daugther and now she is a single mother after cheating on her husband with some random bad boy in Romania.
@@susanwjoh0re735 Even if that happened (because only they know the truth), how is this his fault? She is a full adult. My father cheated on my mother, I've never cheated on my wife... I guess I should do that, right?
I am 100% sure that Peterson is not a perfect human, as no one is, and so is his daughter. Also, that does not change the fact that he helped a lot of people as a psychologist and now as a writer/speaker. He should not be judged by the actions of his adult daughter and vice versa.
Thanks my dog is potty trained now. Who’s a good girl who’s a good girl …. Goo puppy…
Hell no reward bad behavior only doing the right thing because they get something out of it, nope absolutely not
@@zachariahmagallan5738 well our entire societal system is based on work->reward
Teaching children to control their anger as a tiny tot is an invaluable skill in adult years. This is a part of loving and nurturing your precious child.
When your a child is when you learn the most.
What an amazing lecturer. I could listen to him for hours unlike my 7 years of university. Most profs were not engaging nor good teachers. A PhD does not necessarily make a great educator.
Those who can’t do, teach. The truly skilled and knowledgeable are usually killing it in life.
@@factsoveremotions6035 Are you saying Mr.Peterson isnt skilled and knowledgeable?
@@Elegyforthend I was referring to the second half of JohnnyBoy’s statement. I’ve found Peterson to be impressive in his knowledge and delivery. I had two good teachers during my time in school and college, that I remember for the impact they made. Most were there for the paycheck, pensions and summers off. Peterson is different as he’s killing it with his books he writes, Podcasts and touring lectures. He’s very impressive.
@@factsoveremotions6035 Oh it seems I misunderstood your statement. That was a very articulate reply. Have a good day.
@@Elegyforthend first one wasn’t clear. I realized it when you asked. Peterson is exception to that general rule.
7:04 When the young man in the front right asks how to reward a child. There's three incredible things you can say that will boost their confidence and build them into a great person. 1 I love you. 2 I'm proud of you. 3 You're good at (_____)/ good job. Many people go through life never hearing those three sentences.
@Miss Lucie The west, especially in the black community ppl can’t raise children. I’ve seen a hound raise and discipline her pups better than humans.
Thats all i wanted as a child. Mother is a narcissist. At least shes not my biological mother.
As a parent of a child similar to how he described his son, this was refreshing and just listening helped reaffirm I’m not the only one going through child raising struggles.
Trust me dude, you're far from the only one going this things ;) Luckily this guy has the most practical ways of dealing with life's issues its awesome lol
Nope, you are not alone...
My first daughter was and is an angel and a joy every day. My new daughter is like living in heaven and hell at different times each day.
@@JamesGough1 I'd say figure it out, you're the parent... it's not fair to your new daughter for her to be "hell" to you who's her father... (I'm 20yo and not a parent, just my opinion on this.)
Oh friend!! 😂😅😢 Well, we're still here... We are likely the crazy ones now. Kinda feels like prison sometimes. I did think it was going to get easier after 11 years, but nope.. Been a parent for 15 years and I thought I was surviving... whew.
One thing I learned watching my cousin is never tell them they are a genius. Never be like you are a genius since you are the top of the class. Always give the credit to the work they put in and always subtly emphasize that the result they got is from the work her did. This will build in his mind that the results are under his control and not something external like genetics which he cannot control. My cousin was the genius kid he literally got amazing grades with just the content he learned from class. But as he reached college, he started finding it harder to sit down and study. Grades began to slip and his parents started with how lazy it is and how he used to be a genius but lost all of it because he spends all his time on the phone.
I was called a genius as a kid. And its taken me until now, being 21, to be able to overcome the effect of that being told to me as a kid.
this is so important to realise. If you dont connect work to results but just "being a genius" you might do well in school and college depending on how smart you actually are but as soon as you reach any form of higher education you are basically done for. Dr.K also has a great video in this topic called "why gifted kids are actually special needs", highly recommend it - would love to see Dr.Peterson and Dr.K talk one day.
@@DrWurzeli exfuckingzactly
Thank you, this is really useful information!
The same thing happened to me. Thankfully, at 17 I'm getting my stuff together. The only difference is that i never had any real support when i decided which career i am going to pursue.
Jordan is so engaged its a breeze to follow him when he's speaking. You can hear how engaged the audiance is.
He’s ranting dude. He should actually lecture instead of just talking about some personal experiences.
@@ramon2008 but a personal experience like that is actually really informing
@@ramon2008i'd really rather listen to his very informational personal experiences rather than sitting in the room forcing myself to learn regurtitated ideas from a half-baked professor.
@@ramon2008 no rant there. the audience was engaged.
@@ramon2008 the best teachers speak from experience. Lol
DO NOT…. Absorb your child’s consequences when they’re young. They need them when they’re young. Learning those lessons when they’re older is much much more difficult. Don’t rob them of the easy method!!!
What?🤷🤦
@@anonaymoust864 life lessons are simple and don’t have a huge affect on one’s future when you’re a child… for example… take care of your toys, look after them. If you break them or let the dog chew it…. It’s gone now! Let them learn that they are and can be responsible…. Don’t buy another one and delete that learning opportunity. That’s NOT good parenting, it’s easy “feel good” for you parenting.. WRONG! Don’t do it.
@@brianjohnson1346 Your explanation is confusing sorry can't relate
Your advice on raising children(from your books) really changed my life as a father of two little girls. My wife came from a great family and I continue to learn from her parents but I was raised by a single mother. Your advise really gave me clarity and direction on how to be a better father and husband. I need all the help I can get, lol. Thank you for all that you do for humanity.
As the parent of a 12 year old girl, I would love to hear more discussions on the puberty and post puberty years of development. I have always enjoyed the discussions about the younger years but I haven't noticed any discussions about the hormonal stage.
I agree!! Mum of 14 and 12 year old boys. Not the "development" so much, but their brains and why on earth at that age we all are convinced we are all right!!
@@jomarriott1421 You will be convinced at 16 you are right, then at 20, then at 25. By the time you reach 35-40 you were wrong so much you actually get some humility or at least less arrogant.
You could introduce them to gr8 literature and knowledge. That way their formed 16 year old opinion might have some semblance of beeing right from the get go, and all they have to do is update those believes to their circumstances.
It's verry hard to do anyways.
Me too.
peterson taught her daugther so well she cheated on her husband with adnrew tate. a man who used to sell women for sex.
@@jomarriott1421 As a prior 12 and 14 year old boy whose now in the 30s, I was always right and continuously rebellious and pushing the envelope with how far I can dominate. My parents describe my teenage years as hell lol. My parents constant fight for control led to me stressing majorly which resulted in alcohol and drug abuse and doing poorly in school from 1st-12th grade; more-so from 6th to 12th grade. As I was completely lost in life I joined the military which straightened me out and Ive accomplished a lot since high school and have a great career.
When I was little and even to this very day Ive always needed a diverse platter of hobbies, which is expensive. My parents werent wealthy or good with money, therefore all of the hobbies/sports Id try, often "quitting" shortly after trying, led my parents to stop taking my interests seriously. The boredom I faced after my parents refusal to sign me up for sports or let me dabble in hobbies led me to various addictions and anti social behavior while sober.
Present day I play multiple instruments, paint, jiu jitsu / muay thai, paintballing, and love doing things with technology. Im not a parent but going by my personal experience, all I needed in childhood was the freedom to try new things even though it was expensive especially while I had several siblings who also followed a similar addiction/anti social path as me.
Listening to Dr Peterson has motivated me to make so many positive changes in my life.
As a mother with a 2.5 year old son who is incredibly pushy this is fantastic advice and incredibly true. I love my son more than life itself but boy is it hard to like him some moments 😆
I appreciate what he brought up about how it's not easy to like your kids, which frequently leads to abusive or neglectful behavior on the parents part. I feel like this needs to be more common knowledge so that parents who feel this way can get some counseling!
Yes, I see this a lot!
Yes lol its true. I am expecting #6. The kid who gives me issues is the oldest. He's smart. Lol
What helps me to "like" them is honestly to tap into your inner "child" again. I'll watch shows with them (thats so raven, even stevens, spongebob, etc.). Joke around. Let them have game time (we homeschool.) Making sure we get breaks from each other and chill. That's huge. They need a break from you as much as you need one from them.
Lastly, prayer. Letting you child lead prayer. Giving them ownership is huge. Gives them confidence. But yes parenting without a solid foundation in Christ/church is HARD. God's grace helps with loving your kids too.
But yea I totally get it. Kids can be annoying jerks lol !! I do love them though..
I've got 3 children. They were all different. We always used this method and with 2 it worked fine. The 3th thought that after every rage outburst his parents would forgive him and so he thought the consequences were not that big and he kept doing it. So after he came back from the corner we started putting toys in the closet which he could earn back with good behaviour. And only then it started to work.
@Katana_soul_91 with children this is a other game. They are still in a learning proces. No child is the same. they are not yet influenced by the wishes of adults and so think very differently about rules. That is why no child can be put in a box..
I hate to be that guy but it's *3rd* not 3th...
I destroyed few plastic horses when my daughter thought my words are just words. It works like a charm.
@@jordaine1469 thanks. I come from the Netherlands. So forgive me please.
The clips channel is a treasure!! Sometimes it's hard to watch a full 2-hour lecture, so uploading short clips is very helpful. Thank you ❤️
Totally agree.
Good luck raising a child hearing a lecture from someone who is a clinical psychologist who couldn't help himself from addicted to drugs
It's your attention span...
He can help with that too
@@uvaiskomath Well, how couldn't he help himself with addiction?! He did solve his problem. He quit his addiction, so I don't know why you're mad!!
@@SoloClone yeah, there's this and there's time for sure, sometimes you're just busy.
Love this and need the reminder. Sometimes the idea of "gentle parenting" just ends up being lackluster, Ill effective, and demoralizing to parents. This kind of advice encompasses the good of the concept, but also really enforces that idea of "don't let your kids be someone you don't like" that often gets lost
My son agreeable, loves to help.
My daughter different matter.
Instead of asking why, she will ask why not.
Me: don't jump on couch.
Her: why, not jump?
But she stopped having tantrums in shopping centres after I just sat next to her letting her scream and kick around. No eye contact, no words.
After about an hour. She wiped her tears, said sorry Mummy and we hugged.
She's never had a tantrum in public agian.
In the US Army our NCOs have a creed with a line that says "I will be fair and impartial when recommending rewards and punishments." This is a very difficult thing for most people to get right but when you do it has a huge effect on everyone around you. We also do this thing called an After Action Report, which is done after every training whatever it may be. Basically the leader recaps with the group, asking them what was supposed to happen, what did happen, what went wrong, what went right. When done well, this can be a good, informal way of gently addressing mistakes while also giving credit for positive things. When done in a group this can be effective for modifying behavior (as well as making training better for next time).
I've never thought to apply the NCO Creed to parenting...parts of it at least. I'm the "officer" in my house, so I'll accomplish my duties. But seriously....
No one is more loving than I. I am a father, a leader of my children. As a leader of my children I realize that I am the most important person in my children's lives, the backbone of their success. I am proud of my children and will always conduct myself so as to bring credit upon them and my family regardless of the situation I may find myself. I will not use my position as a parent to obtain pleasure, profit, or personal satisfaction at a cost their successful development as responsible, disciplined, and competent members of society.
As a parent of 3, this pretty much describes how I raised my kids, and it worked. My wife didn’t like how I did it, but she had much more trouble with them than I did.
If you couldn't teach your kids to show respect to their mother that's partly on you.
@@patsayjack402 how did you even read that into this comment. Baffling.
@@patsayjack402 kids do what they can when they want. They will manipulate when they can. In their heads their desires are all that matters. Sounds like mom is fueling that. I’m sure that the mom told dad about the kids being bad and he handled it. But correcting after the fact is never as effective as correcting during the moment. If mom is a pushover then she’ll get a totally different response than dad. Not until they are on the same page will true results start showing.
Jordan is teaching how to be an intelligent parent. Hitting and yelling are the stupid and lazy way.
@@itoibo4208 why lazy ? Parents are an authority, one thing is a spank and another an abuse. Mom just look at me and I knew I had to calm down, same with dad. Now days parents are controlled by kids.
As a stay at home father of 5, my oldest is 14 my youngest 4, i can relate to the reward system, if i can show them the fruits of their labor, chores, behavior treating each other using moral values they will go on to share that with others.
@TRG4YouTV, I can relate, I’m a stay at home dad of 5 also. 15, 13, 4yr old boys and 2yr old twin girls. The 15 and 13 yr old are polar opposites as are the twins and my 4yr old is most like me and I have yet to determine if that’s a good or bad thing! Lol
Y’all should get some jobs
Love seeing JP in his academic form, sleeves rolled up, keys jangling on his hip, riffing on all matters, great and small! ❤️
I'm a teacher and this is how I deal with kids having fits. Other teachers criticize me for not instantly cuddling them. I carry on the class as normal and when they kid is finished with their fit I allow them to rejoin us. They usually don't do it again, their attempt at negative attention failed.
I'm glad there still are some theachers like u around!!!❤
My 2 yo granddaughter took 45 minutes on the pavement next to my car, with me letting her have a tantrum, without rolling into the road. Older generation people smiled and passed, acknowledging,’been there, you’re coping, nearly done’. When she was done, she got up and got into her car seat. The next time was at a supermarket, 20 minutes. I just had to bide my time. No bribing, no promises. When she got up I said, ‘shall we get the shopping now?’. No more after those 2 episodes. My other granddaughter, at the same age, 30 minutes to get her to want to get in the shopping trolley. I was with my d-in-law and her toddler. She went shopping, I stayed outside for 30 minutes, waiting for the tantrum to finish. My d-in-law came out and asked where we went. She did her shopping. I eventually went in to store, and straight out other end, just to complete the visit. No shopping. First and last tantrum with nanny.
@@danoyse8233very wise. your sons and daughter in laws should watch this video.
The key for good parenting is to stay calm. Kids can feel when you are not OK, they will reflect it back at you. Stay calm, no matter what they are doing. And say no to things that are actually very important or dangerous.
The key for kids is shut up and don’t have emotions and don’t get attached to anything
I agree with this. My mom would say this to me all the time. Be calm.
I had a dad who had a terrible temper (verbally abusive) and my mom was always calm. She said the adult is the one who isn't screaming. If you aren't screaming then you are actually the one in control.
She is a mother of 9. A grandmother to 20 grandkids. Her advice has really helped me, I am expecting #6.
I come back to this lecture quite frequently as a way to reset my outlook for my 4 year old daughter. Thank you Jordan.
Dr. Jordan Peterson is one of the most brilliant communicators of this century. A true, beautiful mind and human being! Keep being who you are and doing what you do so damn well. Saving minds and lives.
My sons hit 5 and he went from trying to always please us at 4 to challenging literally every instruction, request and arguing the opposite to near every statement now hes 5. We went to an ancestral gathering, a camping, wild crafts and survivalist gathering which he loved. However at one point a man visited who along with his small family were the last fluent speakers of an old nearly forgotten language. My son got impatient and when a lady came over to gently explain to my boy "this man is keeping his language alive" my son did his usual trick of arguing the opposite and said "I wish the language was dead". The lady instantly walked away noticeably upset. From a strangers perspective it made my son seem like a devil child, but when I talked to him after he didn't know how a language can be alive or dead and had no idea what he had really said..... Just one example, but man its a really tough challenging time for us as parents.
Rebellious children are remarkably intelligent. They question authority because they see past it’s fragile guises. They behave in a way that pushes boundaries so that they can know the space in which they can operate. They express their emotions, because it’s an effective way to communicate. Be careful how you treat rebellious kids, because they are a blessing to society.
I have a 15 year old that is the ultimate rebel...I hope you're right and hope I don't die of heart attack before she straightens up.
This applies to children under about 10yo after that I dont think it's okay after 10 at that point you should have helped your child share emotions with out insain rebellion or tantrums and your older child is rebellious because you are failing in some form of understanding them or communicating your good intentions as a parent. 15 and your child is being rebellious then you aren't communicating well and they don't feel like THEY can communicate with you. Hard pill to swallow but if your kid is old enough to understand and they still ignore logic then something isn't being communicated
@@713PINGUINA832 I think you’re mistakenly conflating rebellious-ness with ill-tempered and ill-mannered. I was always a rebellious kid, and I kept that spirit as an adult. Now I question everything I run into and it has served me well in business. It’s not to say you let your kids run wild. That is not a good situation. You let them act out without breaking their spirit; learn the rules of society when consequences are minor. I think particularly in young boys you see a lot of broken spirits. Kids are absolute powerhouses of creativity, compassion, and raw intelligence. They need to be given room to cultivate these traits. It’s a difficult balance, but worth figuring out!
Basically it's more ideal to have a rebellious child early on because they WILL challlenge your authority and rules. Which is good because while they may not be agreeable they will be more exposed to learning. Unlike an agreeable child that always says "yes" because when the time comes when they get rebellious they don't know how to tread that path, they've always been agreeable til something life changing happens.
Well when they put their little siblings safety and lives at risk because they don't want to listen then they've lost all my consideration for "gentle parenting"
Oh my God Jorden Sir you are an awesome father!!! Im a high school lecrurer for the 11th and 12 grade in Mumbai, India. Been listening to you for about 2 months now and I can say that your methods, to being a better person, are implementable and so relieving to the soul. I punished myself so hard to overcome my mistakes till 2 months ago. But now I'm learning well. ❤
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My 3 year old son went into a vortex of a tantrum while we were in a restaurant once. I picked him up and went outside where we both sat down on the ground. I told him that we'll just wait here together for the storm to pass. And I just waited without saying another word while he raged. When he eventually came out of his vortex I said to him "Is that it, are we done?" He acquiesed, so I said, "Right, lets go back in and get some food - I'm starving." He was fine after that. I don't remember if that ever happened again.
so nice to see someone willing to understand and work with the child, instead of trying to dominate them and make them submit to their will by yelling and hitting. you were patient and let him have time to calm down.
This nearly every time with my 3yo.
I wish to God I could go back and read Jordan’s books before I had kids. I made so many mistakes and really continued the trauma parenting my Mom did. Only my Mom was (is) a depressed alcoholic. I grew up hating my parents with a lot of resentment but ended up in the same trap. It took me several years to really see the trauma, see the habits, and recognize the negative behavior.
I’m still trying to fix it but it’s really hard.
I hope you are successful
it’s never too late
Same here. I totally get jt. What a trap. 😭
The engagement, involvement and passion. So inspiring man, we all need (at bare minimum) a minute of this a day. Not to live like robots on automatic! Something also worth teaching our children..
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I really like how he mentioned breaking our egos because I've done that to myself in order to grow and it augmented my mind so many times in a weird way where I felt like I unlocked the mysteries of the universe.
In the end I became addicted to that feeling and thinking there was so much more I could open myself up to if I just shifted my perspective and retrained myself so I became my own parents
After listening to this and having flashbacks to my own childhood, I asked myself "why do we do them when they're so hard to deal with". Some kids really are monsters. Are you ready for this as a parent? Are you going to give up on him or are you going to complicate things while trying to discipline him? Dealing with a monster child requires a great deal of patience and dedication. In order to make such sacrifices from your life, you have to be satiated with life. this is why most parents fail.
Yeah it really helps if the parent has come to terms with their own demons and has a stable life, but unfortunately thats not always the situation and the kid has no choice to whom they are born.
I got one of those monster kids. It’s rough. He was stubborn but a good kid until he got to middle school and did a 180. It’s been rough with all his outbursts and constant mental and verbal abuse. Counseling, therapy, psychiatric and psychologist didn’t help. Spent a lot of time and money into getting him help but he never wanted it or participated. We are still doing what we can but there’s only so much a parent can take, so when he turns 18 and we sit him down and tell him if he continues his behavior we will be kicking him out. Not sure what else to do, we have 3 other children in the house to care for and occasionally protect from him and his verbal assaults and threats.
Did you look into food allergies? You don’t need to break into hives to be allergic or sensitive to foods… they Absolutely affect behavior. My son was defiant and aggressive and when we removed gluten from diet, we had a different kid. There are also things like what they are exposed to… what they play/watch… peers, etc… but do some research on food. It changed my whole family’s life
It's difficult too when most advice given isn't as brutally honest as this. It's usually heavily focused on seeing the child's perspective, which is a good thing to do. But without addressing the other side of it, as JP does here, about how hard it is and how hard it is to like your child who is constantly pushing you, it's easy to just feel guilty about small daily parenting fails. You worry you did lasting damage because all you can think of is the child's perspective. The guilt makes the struggle even harder. Honestly acknowledging how hard it is from the parent's perspective needs to be done more. It's supportive and encouraging... Other people go through it too.
@@Trolly.Troll. sounds like hes learning something from school that made him like that
this is so true, as a father of a 3 year old boy, tantrum is so normal for toddlers but such big challenges to parents especially when it happens in a bad timing for parents.
A great classic, first saw this lecture several years ago. So much practical wisdom packed into 10 minutes.
I have 4 boys under 7 , I’m raising as a single mother.. Thank you so much for sharing 💕
God Bless you and your Family🤗
May God Grace you with much Patience, Understanding and Love 🙏🏻
all boys. good luck!
That’s crazy. Must have fallen for a narcissist
Best of luck to you, keep going :)
Loving and firm at the same time. That is the difficult but true solution to a child's difficult behavior. Not conditional loving and dominating like Peterson is suggesting here A child will not trust you or be open to you if you run hot and cold based on their behaviour. Firm, calm, open and in control is what a child needs in a parent.
I was rebellious and threw tantrums. Was in a broken home. Got tossed into society and whipped into shape. Met some outstanding people that helped me get my attitude in check. Its a constant battle but a valuable one
Love this man. We need more like him now a days. Too many entitled parents teaching entitled kids.
Good stuff. I like that he talked about resentment, and the child's world opening up at the end.
It's exactly what he wrote in his book. This man is consistent. Great role model!
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Which book? Would love to buy it. Please let me know the title.
These are the things my Mother used on me and taught me for helping my own children. Proper ways of doing things transcend generations and time. God bless Mr Peterson for promulgating loving treatment of each other. God bless
Love what Andy Taylor told Opie who was on the floor having a fit. Andy let it carry on a few moments and then looked at Opie and softly said, what are doing Opie? I’m having a tantrum he said. Andy said very calmly. Well, don’t get your clothes dirty.
Spot on Dr JP. Children need 2 things, both equally important: reward & praise for doing well on the one hand and strict boundaries which they cannot cross on the other hand. Children growing up without boundaries will keep pushing until they reach a boundary, & if they don't encounter one they are likely to end up in a bad place, with issues like perhaps juvenile delinquency or personality disorders. And the kids who are never rewarded for doing well are likely to feel unappreciated, unnoticed and end up with issues like low self esteem and yes, even personality disorders. Positive and negative reinforcement often go hand in hand with each other and both are tantamount to neglect & even abandonment. The proper socialisation process of kids as Dr JP describes here is essential to raising well balanced adults capable of functioning at their optimum capacity or even functioning at all.
My teenage son was very rebellious towards me at the beginning of his 9th grade. I had a tough time with him, it seemed like he hated me. However, I let go of the way I raised my daughter with my son, and he now loves me. Hopefully, the older he gets, the more he'll understand what is good for him.
Praise is so important!!! I have a 7, 5 and 8 month old and I wish I had any grasp on this when I started out. Unfortunately we all have to learn together.
And fortunately, most of learn as we go. Children are resilient and changing your parenting for the better is always the right choice.
@@crocadoodle7101 One year and one more child later, I can say you're totally right. God gives us grace.
That was a great lecture, I think I've been practicing this my whole life and just never realized it till now
Thank You Dr. Peterson for sharing your knowledge 👍
What an amazing lecture! This should be shown to all new parents.
Should be on school education, mandatory, society could be a better place.. Just look at history, for instance how Spartans raised their children, they must have has common knowledge that may have been issued at a church or other fornal gathering (not I'm saying we should raise a generation of conquering warriors, just more education for parents)
Just tried this with my son!!! It worked. Mr. Peterson I applaud you. I have a 5 year old that has been giving me a hard time and I came searching for a way to discipline him. After he got himself together we had a good talk and I hugged him and told him he’s very smart and understands things very well and that I appreciated him getting it together! ❤
This is so true, you need to instantly let go of bad feelings or the "atmosphere" will stick around. Once they better themselves there should be no lectures or nagging, be happy and welcomming that they are back. It is hard, but totally worth it; they will feel such reliefe and it will lead to a great bonding oppertunity rather than lingering anger and resentment.
Thank you Jordan, for helping me remember to put my boys on the steps and let them gain control of themselves instead of trying to control them myself.
I’ve been a teacher for over 5 years teaching different ages groups of children, Dr. Peterson is spot on regarding rewarding their compliance and behavior instantaneously..
Dr
Peterson treating kids as you suggest is a huge demonstration of love.pure love for the child preparing them for the future. Thank you I hope parents listen to you.Angela
Mr. Peterson, i read on the german media platform" Die Achse des Guten" your advice, that we should do everything to not feel unsympathetic towards our children. I am reaching the limits of my english here, but i took that advice to heart. I see a lot of people who actually do not like their children.
HAHA! Ohmygoodness! Back when my children were pre-school age, my older son, who never threw fits in public before, threw a fit in the middle of the mall. I don't even remember why. As he laid on the floor, I calmly bent over, pointed to a seat close by and told him we will be sitting over there and that when he is ready to re-join society, he may join us. Then we calmly walked over, sat down, and had conversation. People were staring, but that wasn't my concern. A few minutes passed and he realized his actions were not getting him attention, so he calmed down and walked over to me. I asked him if he was done, he nodded yes. I smiled at him and we got on with our day. He never did it again.
This clip reminds me so much of the Nurtured Hearts Approach and Howard Glasser. I started to ponder if Howard and Jordan had discussed children and how to raise them or if these two brilliant humans just came to the same conclusions independently. It seems that most of the time, the people who are wanting this information are very much dealing with the consequences of not doing these things for years, at which point it does seem too late. I would argue it is not too late, but in many instances, it does seem too late. These college 'kids' are getting free parenting advice that will no doubt impact their children.
This man knows exactly what he's talking about. I get my 2 year old to help me with simple things around the house and reward his good behavior. The result? He is SO happy to help, it's adorable. He actually gets excited to help us clean (like sweeping) or bringing groceries in, take (some) small amounts trash out. He says please and thank-you and excuse me. He says Hello to everyone and people love it, he's so sociable. I know it's important to reward the good behavior I want to see, just like Mr. Peterson says here.
Thanks Mr. Pete, I had this kid in our apartment who shows aggressive tendencies, showing bad finger in your face when he pass by, I just smile and laugh at myself because half of me wanted to tear him apart, no, show him how to act, but also half of me promotes understanding because I know I'm ignorant when it comes to this matter. I'm not that good with kids, I can't hurt them or show such warden-like discipline for I have experience it myself so the first thing I did was search for a solution.
Your teachings help me alot in this rough adventure of life. Somehow it makes me a better person little by little. Thanks Doc! 👽👌
Jordan, thank you for everything you do. It is a gift to have your knowledge so readily available and your honesty is astounding. I hope you read this and may god bless you and your family.
Remember, take care of yourself like you would take care of somebody you love. ;)
My son at 2 was very difficult, patience was key and I promised myself I would never be like my mum strict and cruel but he was and still a very smart kid and will try to cross many boundaries and sometimes I would have to go the old ways a smack in his bottom and he will laugh because he knew I was doing the wrong thing as I explained to him it was wrong so he knew I was weak for doing that but at the age of 7 he stop the hitting face which always and only was me not his dad or other children but as always other challenges evolve and its always a worry when you have such a responsibility over another human being but over all I love being a mum even if it hurts at times, it makes me stronger and learn a lot about myself as a person.
Who told you it's worng to smack his bottom ?
Your job as a parent is to prepare your child for the real world, this is what childhood is for ( even in other animals).
In the real world if he is rude and belligerent to the wrong person in the wrong day, verry bad things can happen.
There are real phisical violance consequences for acctions and every child must know this exists.
You spanking your children will teach that lesson. Why would you deprive your child of it ?
Are you confusing a spanking by a loving parent with a beating ?? Aren't you aware what the point of it is??
@@think2invest I'm referring on the rare spanking but I will mostly use reasoning instead of following my mums ways which were cruel almost sadistic which teach me nothing that resentment towards her.
@@crwonshe I’m sorry that your mom took her anger out on you, I went thought that with my dad. Things like this are sad, but the root of it is mental health. Just like a virus consumes cells and makes them it’s own. DNT be afraid to do something (assuming you know the difference between right and wrong) just because you witnessed someone else failing at it. Try and think of humans as animals… they have a very limited ability to vocalize how they feel towards each other, so what do they do? They are physical with each other to get the point across, but never let there emotions take over the job of preparing there offspring for the harsh world ahead
@@crwonshe he is not wrong especially boys do need some spanking to learn boundaries and to understand mouthing off to the wrong people will have very very bad consequences
@@crwonshe Parents that take their anger out on chidren using various excuses aren't spanking them they are beating them.
The spanking comes after reasoning. First you explain to the child what to do, then you explain what he did wrong and why, and when a child insists on doing something wrong, then you spank him.
And you try to use it as rare as possible ( not for trivial things ) beeing aware of bouth your anger and what spanking is used for.
Loved this. Just sent to my daughter, Mother of 3, 1 and 1/2 year old, 4 yr. Old and 7 year old.
God bless us all.
7:07 there's extra reward, the praise is coming for his father the person child loves.
This is literally a 10 minute masterclass on parenting and super compact/rich. Incredible
not many people teach parenting with this level of honesty but at the same time still disciplining the child in a humane and caring way
Jordan Peterson helped me raise myself as a 30 year old man. I grew up neglected and Fatherless.
Absolutely what I did with my boys. Everyone had a corner for time out, cousins... When you can calm down, you may come out of your room...or corner. Love it!
I also have a son dear Jordan, his 'misbehavior at times, as we humans call it, showed (reflected back), me that I had a (negative) judgement about it. As soon as I understood and changed the judgment within myself, my son's behavior changed accordingly. ❤
I would like to understand how this changes for a rebellious teenager... Something we're mostly all far too familiar with, especially so nowadays.
Man, I ask so many questions. I would have loved to have Dr. Peterson as a professor.
I recently subscribed to UA-cam and have very much taken to the no adds and other functions available. I think I'll celebrate with a JP marathon, and watch everything he has available. I will both enjoy it and learn a lot - I could listen to the guy all day
I wish I was in that class. Other than a great psychologist, he’s a great dad too by hearing from his experiences. God bless.
I can't remember exactly, but Gabor Mate (Canadian psychologist, specializes on childhood development and trauma) was very critical about this method of Dr. Peterson.
Is Gabor right?
@@moonknight4053
there are lots of videos of Gabor in YT. better you make your own search and conclusions. English is not my first language.
@@ermajaku I see, I try to look for the truth tbh, but thanks erma
It's about time out, you have to be present with your kid when he or she is most upset. Because otherwise the kid will think his emotions don't matter. I think Peterson will agree to this.
@@I_dont_know-wx2bo this!
Love this man. He’s a gift to us all.
I was literally that kid, holding my breath...
I thank the gods everyday for the wonderful parents I've been dealt in life.
It must've been hell sometimes...
I'm 28 almost and it happens to me more often than I want to be on the edge of temper tantrum... And it's just bloody difficult, to push that monster down. But my wife help me to find peace and now it's at least manageable. And it has to be. I have a problem to find a competent therapist in my city but Dr. Peterson helped me a lot in past couple of years
I’m so thankful for Jordan Peterson’s lectures
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Handling a little kid is one thing. Handling an adolescent in serious rebellion is on a whole different level.
I think the point JP is trying to make is that if you don’t get it right when the child is 2-4 years of age, you’ll have a full-fledged battle with a monster when they’re of age. That was his point about the chimpanzees as well.
@@goldenremnant2610 Well my experience was quite different from your interpretation of Dr. Peterson’s presentation. My kids were compliant and well behaved as toddlers and small children up till adolescence. Then all hell broke loose. And I don’t mean that figuratively.
@@Mike__G do you think hell breaking loose had anything to do with their upbringing or the household/family dynamic?
@@l-train7876 Maybe a little. Part of the issue was a neurological issue in the oldest coupled with drug use. The other was unduly influenced by Woke BS peddled by teachers and others in authority coupled with an unfortunate sensitivity to cannabis that ultimately led to psychosis and death.
@@Mike__G but don’t they learn authority from their dad first? Do you think they felt a strong sense of connection and trust with you before the drugs came into the picture? I also ask you this b/c my brother had problems with my dad and also ended up violent, abusive, and alcoholic/drug user.
Your content is a treasure trove for parents embarking on the journey of raising children. As someone devoted to nurturing young minds, I find your insights truly inspiring. Raising children is a monumental task, and we bear the responsibility of shaping them into compassionate, honest, and patient individuals. 'The apple doesn't fall far from the tree,' they say, emphasizing the impact our actions have on our children's character.
You're such a good dad! I used to cry a lot because I had a bad dad
I can relate. My older son is very strong willed. I had to remove him from the flat a few times into the staircase to sit on the stairs at the age of 3-9. He would bang on the door and ring the bell so I had to turn it off. Sometimes it took 10-15 minutes for him to calm down. He still has a temper at 17 but manages it very well on his own now. Sometimes he is just angry for no obvious reason then he retreats until he can verbalize it so we can work it out. It is good to establish ways for children to work on their emotions early on, otherwise I would have serious problems now, he is now (at least physically) able to challenge me. It sounds really bad when I read this now, but he is a nice kid most of the time.
I do agree tho, sometimes you don't like your children when they are being uncivilized little monsters.
Whenever there was such a situation I remembered a sencence I heard somewhere:
"Love me when I deserve it the least, because it is when I need it the most."
Children need parent's love and guidance in their worst moments, how else can they learn?
I am concerned with the idea of handling a rebellious child that is not mine.
Meaning someone who didn't put any effort in correcting his child's behavior/attitude and I am facing that child in a public place.
It is a nightmare for me.
Just simply give the child a glare ,nudge if it gets physical or tell the authority figure etc
I'm so glad I get to be a father. With information such as this I hope 1, I can be better than my father and 2 I can be a better man. Thank you Dr. Peterson.
I learned this too. Don't reward bad behavior, and it will stop. Reward good behavior, so it continues.
don't break the mugs son... Son "noooooooooooo ahhhhhhhhhhahh" Dad> "fine , lets do it your way" Father and son gathered some mugs went outside and broke away. What happened next was very unexpected. The father and son started laughing and bounding. The son calmer now, Decided to finally listen to his dad. The mug breaking stopped. Now they go clay shooting together ;)
On interviewing our six kids, of all the punishments they hated the most was the "bad boy square". It was time out with a name. They didn’t like the stigma of the name because everyone knew the one standing on the hated square was naughty. We used other methods, even the tabooed corporal punishment. Today we have two well behaved teenaged children and 4 hardworking well disciplined young adult children who love each other and their parents, and they are joys to be around, who enjoy the good favor of society about them.
What happened to the other two? 😅
@@julielitvinov173 good question. Thanks for pointing out my omission. It’s hard to keep things straight when typing on three 1 1/2 inch lines that continually scroll up and disappear as you type. We didn’t run the other two off. 🤣 I just forgot them in the tedium of trying to formulate a text on a 5 square inch keyboard. (We old goats over 40 learned on QWERTY 16 times bigger. I’ve struggled with the adjustment)🙃
It’s better to be open first then disagreeable than disagreeable without being open
Absolutely fascinating to listen to Jordan speak. I hope these kids know the privilege of getting this opportunity.
He says all the right things that are right to say. He’s a fearless teacher and speaker. That’s so refreshing in todays world.
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My son would do the same thing. When he got crazy, I’d put him in his room and he’d scream and kick his bed. I closed the door and told him he’d could come out when he’s ready. Occasionally I’d open the bedroom door and ask him if he’s ready to come out.
That is just not taking responsibility for regulating the child's moods. As a parent, it is absolutely important to help a small child to regulate. Young children cannot do that on his own in a room...
@@nabilc1667 you kinda can learn it in time but does make you resent the other party because you do feel alone.
@@ogulcandursun1665 Yeah, it can be learned, but only at a later more mature state of the child. Like, you cannot put a two year old in a room to self regulate, they do not have the capacity yet. But you can put a 7 or 8 year old in a room to think about their emotions and try to let them regulate it, but it won't succeed all the time. It creates huge amounts of damage to let children self regulate. The whole point of parenting is to make the child more mature and take care of. And you are right that when you practise isolation of the child, he or she may resent you or build resentment on later stages in their lifes.
@@nabilc1667 yes that was my point i dont suggest anyone do this.I have memories so far as to 3 years old self my guess is probably because there were some problems cus why the hell do i remember those times.I do have just 1 memory even before 3 year old but that was plain fear the memory is like 20 seconds long max.I was alone and watching chucky well didnt know what it was at the time but i remember the killer baby doll lol i was hiding under the sofa
@@ogulcandursun1665 Yeah, that's horrible man. Parents do not take responsibility anymore of how their children feel and behave...
OK, I am the father of an ADHD/ADD teen, and I’m here to tell you that raising and managing this type of person - who happens to also be your “loving” child - is a daily struggle. This has zero to do with the parents’ rage or resentfulness, but often comes down to preventing the child from harming themselves - or innocent bystanders, including you.
I have discovered that a child who is afflicted with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) is “managed” most effectively with the threat of withholding some thing they desire - and prescribed medications. Keeping this child’s own stated or expressed desires ever-present before them is likely the most powerful tool you have by which you can exercise any level or amount of control over them. You control this type of child by “metering” the delivery of their desires, not by establishing yours.
Engaging in physical altercations with this type of child is absolutely counter productive. If you become physically violent with them, you are affirming violence to their mind as an available “expressive” option. And the ODD afflicted child is often quite powerful. They can - and will - attack you, often when you are least prepared to defend yourself.
ODD is not a “choice” the child makes - it is a malady that must be managed
You believe the pharma doctor bullshit.
Its your parenting and your own behaviour that has caused the problems you have with your child. ODD is a misnomer, your child has a maladjusted counterwill. Look up the neufield institute and you can find out what that is. Look up a book called Scattered Minds by Dr. Gabor Mate, you will the answers to the problems you have with your child there. As well as in parenting books by Dr. Dan Siegel. All the best.
@@nickt5836 “it is your parenting and your own behavior that has caused the problem …”
This is an unfortunate and counterproductive thing to say. Blaming the parent or caretaker for a child’s mental disturbances is absolutely wrong, and is as callous and no different than blaming parents for any other birth defect.
I hope the respondents here see the fundamental flaw in your retort.
I also have ADHD and it's very disabling in every part of my life, ADHD just basically needs a stimulate medication, vigor exercises and cognitive behavioral exercises to help with self control or need to stop something to take a breather etc
This is one of those videos that need to be on the annual training for "Being a good human". It's a nice 10 minute video reminding us of things we already know is right, but behaviors we may fall away from...
I experienced seeing a man do that. He wanted me to stay awake past 2AM but I was so tired from work that I was not able to stay up. I was ignoring his wish of watching tv with him. The he got up and pushed my dresses from where they were hanging and threw them on the floor. I acted as if nothing happened, but then he started picking it up. These people are not safe to be around with.
Yeah. My mom was really bad about discipline. If we didn't do what she wanted she'd scream, berate, and spank us as punishment. Then, when we'd actually do what she wanted, she'd find something about our effort she didn't like to mock and shame us further.
There was never a win for us, only pain/humiliation, so it didn't take long for us to become numb to it all, just tune her out and do nothing.
Basically, shooting herself in the foot.
My siblings and I got numb to our Mom too. Then she hated that because we didn't care about her or show emotion in front of her.
Same here. So unfortunate that women are taught calculus rather than child psychology. Jordan could teach everyone in the damn world a thing or two.
@@AllahElohim My mom was a nurse, she had basic teaching in this subject. She gave herself permission to be awful because she was deserved obedience and convenience in her own home. She also only had *daughters* so the diagnosed intersex child was unwelcome because of masculine traits are violent. She was a rape victim who never got counciling and hated men unless they were obsequious and exceptionally gentle to her. It's not the education that's a problem it's the self-esteem of motherhood being catered to.
@@rayf6126 My mom was also a nurse. lol and both of my parents even took parenting classes before they started having us children.
I also happened to be very much a tomboy growing up which she hated.
She hadn't gone through any horrific trauma that I know of though, just a lazy narcissist.
As much as I enjoyed the lecture, I can’t help but notice that this is Zak George’s same philosophy for training dogs. And I can see how it works in both regards. It’s far more effective to reward good behavior than it is reprimand bad behavior. You may get results you want either way, but positive reinforcement builds stronger bonds.
Lollll I once baby sat 2 children. It was time to clean up. The boy started crying loudly in hopes he'd not have to help. I told him to stop it and clean up his huge mess, so he cried harder. His big sister sayed, "oh he will just get so upset that he throws up from crying" LOL I looked him dead in the eye and sayed "I'm not cleaning your mess, and I'm not cleaning your throw up - that would be disgusting and so you will be cleaning it up by yourself" Big sister was stunned, but the boy stopped crying and attempted to pick up his toys.
I refused every babysitting job after that, it's not for me lol