How To Raise Kids You Actually Like
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- Опубліковано 12 тра 2023
- In this UA-cam video, Dr. Jordan Peterson explains how to discipline children without resorting to shouting and fighting. He suggests two principles for effective parenting: "minimum necessary rules" and "minimal necessary force." The former is about choosing the essential rules and avoiding excessive ones that can drive out respect for good ones. The latter involves using the least amount of force to enforce the rules, depending on the child's personality.
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I made my kids each other's defense attorneys - if 1 kid got in trouble and the other child defended them, the consequences would be lessened. They learned to see things from the other's point of view, make an argument, and it drew them closer together.
This sounds hilarious.
"Your honor, he was just curious about what's under the fur. He had no foul intentions shaving the dog's tail."
"Your honor, he was just interested in what was on the shelf. He had no clue he would bring down red paint all over our new white couch"
"Your honor, he was just feeling really tired that day and didn't want to do the homework which is why he lied about our imaginary dog eating the homework"
That’s a good 1. I know of someone who would ask what the child thought their sibling’s punishment should be, & that would end up theirs. 1 story was the older kid got it & said, “no they shouldn’t get any punishment, they learned their lesson I think.” & the younger child was like, “they should get 100 times the punishment!” Their dad instead took the younger aside & explained it to her…
I LOVE THIS.
_"He's two, you can take him."_
-Jordan B. Peterson
Words to live by.
I find myself actually reminding my 2yo of this sometimes when he’s trying to initiate a fist fight. “Well kid, if you really wanna fight, ok… but I’m *guaranteed* to win.”
Cosby said it first.
This made me laugh and cry.
I used the technique that Peterson described. When my kids decided they would behave, I said. "Great I am glad you are here!" And if they did not come back, after a few minutes, I went to them, that I missed them and I hope they are ready to join soon. One time, one of my kids told me he was not ready to come out. I said OK, I hope you will be ready soon.
The final time out was my child acting up, I told them that they need to go to their room until they are ready to behave and he said, I am ready now. I said OK, that's great! He thought he discovered how not to have timeouts. As result, he immediately starting behaving whenever I gave him the look. This is the transition from timeouts to "the look".
Not "THE LOOK!!!" LOL yeah that's how you knew you where in trouble and you really didn't want to find out what would happen if you didn't behave.
Sometimes substitute " the look " with the " 2 × 4 of discipline"
Which book was he referring to?
@@GenesisAyerite"12 rules for life. An antidote to chaos"
Thats great,thanks for sharing ! :)
Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.
Relationship without rules leads to resentment.
Once a while children WILL push the boundaries to explore what their selfish nature can get. But if they do it all the time, you might not have a relationship with your kid to begin with. Most of the children, their love language are quality time and touch and from time to time give them word of affirmation (if you read 7 love language, you know what i'm referring to). To discipline is to love, parents who lack discipline don't love their kids.
What if you’re a step parent coming into the child’s life? How do you relationship while maintaining discipline ?
@@jt2426 good question. Seems best to go slow before living together then letting the patent do the discipline if u have a small relationship. I'll see if we live together. Engaged. I'm going suuuuper slow to be involved on that level since I'm way stricter and go getting with school.
@@aspentree4935 Definitely do not merely "live together", either get married or keep your own living space. That's only more confusing for a child, living with multiple other people in succession before mommy or daddy finally decides to keep one. Trivializing marriage is what's caused so many poor children to become "stepkids" in the first place.
"Are you ready to have a good day" . Very good way of putting it.
I was watching an old Q and A from Dr. Peterson a number of years ago. Dr. Peterson got in a bind with technology and his son, Julian, came in to help him. The way Dr. Peterson looked up at him with such glowing pride and love and the way Julian patted his Dad gently on the shoulder said everything about their relationship.
Dr. Peterson’s excellent relationship with his daughter Mikhaila is much more public. But for some reason, it was that moment with Julian that touched me deepest.
Whatever the two of them did in raising their children, they did good.
Oh wow, would love to see it.
Are you remembering what year it was or have a link?
Would love to see that clip
@@EddyLeeKhane yes- it’s the Q and A for September 9, 2018. And at the end Dr. Peterson swore. It was funny- kind of like seeing your Dad swear.
@@AFringedGentian You're literally the best Gentian 🤗🤩🤩🤗🤩🤗🤩🤗🤩🤗
Thank you alot
@@EddyLeeKhane my handle is from Emily
Dickinson’s poem “The Fringed Gentian” because I’m such an odd duck late bloomer! So welcome- enjoy the Q and A and doubtless UA-cam will suggest others! I love the home videos- they have such a quality of intimacy, like sitting down and having a cup of tea with a dear friend.
“I’m holding my tongue and my nose simultaneously, because of all the things that are going on here that I can’t dare to talk about. God that’s a terrible way to live.” Damn JP, you cut deep into my soul here. Thank you for sharing all this knowledge, it has tremendously improved my life during the past few years.
This single man is literally changing millions of lives
I don't understand what he was referring to when he said that. Was he talking about his family?
@@Virtualmix he was talking about disagreements between spouses.
i love this.
having kids, you learn so much about yourself. it's a hard thing to do to discipline your kids so that they learn some common decency and simultaneously show them that you love them no matter what.
I learnt this in my life. Now my kids who are still young are showing positive signs of love and respect to each other.
Me and my siblings used to fight like cat and dog and our parents didn't know how to mould and shape us. One of my worst regrets is the way me and my siblings treated each other. I want better for my kids.
Same here. The one saying that kills me is always hearing “that’s what kids do/act at that age” also.
Minimum necessary rules. And rules need to be flexible.
I remember when my oldest son was 13 and he yelled "You don't love me" at me during an argument so I took him outside, waved vaguely at the outside world and said "This is where all the people I don't love live, You're welcome back when you realize that I do love you.? and went inside and closed the door. Took less than 10 minutes.
Rules being flexible can actually be a huge mistake. If kids learn that "no doesn't always mean no" for example, that's when you create a monster that will always argue and beg. The point of minimum necessary rules is that you can be consistent and stable for your kids while letting them be kids.
My dad's top parenting advice: don't say no too much, but when you do you have to mean it.
@@TheBswan Of course it all depends on what rule is being stretched. Coming home stoned or drunk at 3 AM isn't cool but being 15 or 30 minutes late when you said to be home by 10? Stretch! They didn't get a pass, and they certainly heard about it, but they weren't punished for it. I learned that to earn respect you must be respectful and taught them that.
I was brought up by a strict and regimented a-hole and I rebelled fiercely and went out of my way to smash every stupid rule he put in place. Pounding your chest and saying "My way or the highway" is a stupid parent trick.. One that has resulted in thousands of kids becoming homeless. I never spoke to my father again after I was 21 and that after 5 years of silence, and he died 14 years later. Too late for my liking. As Twain said "I won't attend his funeral, but I approve of it". I wanted a better relationship with my kids.
When I became a father I (and my wife of course) laid out the ground rules and ended up having very little problems with our kids. In fact, my example above was the worst event! Both boys are in their 30s now and call me for advice. I'm rather proud of that.
"He's 2, you can take him" - Jordan Petereson
You're not listening!
Take 'em*
the most under rated comment here
I think louie ck said that too. 😂
😂
"-Who are you to disciple the children?
-... ... ... Parents."
🤣🤣
One thing my parents did when raising me that seemed to work well was to impose the importance of honesty on me. They made a deal that as long as I told them the truth, they wouldn’t get angry at me. We both held up our ends and I turned out pretty well.
I recently graduated from college and I have more time in-between starting my job. I helped my mother around the house and tried to be a good daughter. I noticed that the house is much calmer if my mother has some help around the house. I wanted to help her for a while but school took up a lot of my time and was very stressful on top of that. Its amazing what a feeling of peace in the house will do. I can rest in my soul. Sounds a bit silly but thats what it feels like. It sort of spreads out to everyone in the house. It lifts everyone spirits and makes even the bad moments more bearable.
Glad you matured. Sometimes it's also the thought, that counts. If help to mom always comes last, it means your love for her is a selfish, taking one. If you can delay some wants of your own just to show your love and appreciation for her by doing even a little thing, that indeed will lift up everyone's spirit. She will feel appreciated, you too and that happiness spreads out. Be it only 15 minutes of help 4 times a week. You see something pile up and you don't ask, but just do it. Why ask? It's obvious it needs doing anyway. Do the little things, that count and once in a while do some bigger things to. (Writing this mostly for anyone reading along and wondering how to get that peace and joy in the house.)
Amen to that 😂 we were loving but very strict parents, obedience and respect was most important. Today my son is 22, has a great job, out of the house, mature beyond his years and we couldn't be more proud. We've raised a wonderful human who is liked by many...job well done 😊🇿🇦
Good job to you Tanja and your Partner
Im about to turn 22 with non of those things.
@@1GlowingJar Discover what you want in life, and get after it. Don't compare yourself to anyone else and don't create a negative self-image. Once you discover who you are, if you haven't already, then you need to design your ideal life. Think about what you want your career to be, all your relationships, hobbies, even the clothes you wear. This must be written down. Then, make an annual or monthly schedule implementing those things. Eliminating your flaws is best done by creating your ideal life, so you'd hit 2 birds with 1 stone. It's one thing to just quit one bad habit, but that's not what you should do. You should create your ideal life from top to bottom. The steps I laid out are difficult to do, it takes a lot of effort to do them. But the good news is that you only need to go through this process once. Then it's just about refining and adapting. It sure beats the hell out of staying where you are now for the rest of your life. I hope this helped. God bless.
No worries you’ll get there! I mean here you are listening to J. Peterson at 22! 👏👏
@@1GlowingJar mom a Karen? Sorry man, I'll bet deciding on gender was your biggest issue for years. Not too late though
The last 30 seconds hit me hard. My mother is like this, there was always something wrong and she started fights with my dad all the time.
But we were never allowed to mention what the fight was about or talk about it, she always acted like nothing happened the next day. It broke me in so many ways.
My husbands stepfather was the same. So now when my husband and I disagree we sort out the problem immediately.
Its nice to be in a home where you can relax and talk openly.
Did she have a bipolar disorder?
@@user-ti6ww8ye8s Highly possible. But if she went to go get diagnosed for it she will never tell me.
There could have been marital or fidelity problems in their marriage, hence why they wouldn't talk about the root cause of their anger to you as a child.
I'm a solo mum of twin toddlers... It has taken me many years to feel like I've evolved sufficiently to check my own blind spots in order to parent effectively without a co-parent constantly checking on me. I do hope my close friends will do this for me if I ever lose my way, and i still hope to find a co-parent down the track (althought that's a whole other ball-game letting someone else in). In the meantime, my mum has been criticising that I'm too easy going with my boys, that i let too many things go, she's more old-school than i am, wants me to set strict rules for every minutia of pragmatic life, strict times for everything etc. I wanted to do some research on softer vs. more authoritative parenting just incase I'm doing them a misservice by being more lenient, allowing their preferences to alter our schedules, but my gut feeling has been that developing a solid deep loving relationship of loving kindness and respect with my children is my best chance of shaping who they will become, rather than asserting my authority over them when they are too little to fight back... i stumbled on this video and I'm stoked that my concept of parenting is virtually identical to Jordan's. As minimal interference as required for my children to learn how to behave like decent human beings, strong, swift responses when they do misbehave and then immediate and unfaltering love and forgiveness as soon as they are ready to behave again. I put my stronger willed toddler in his cot for time out after giving him a few chances to correct his misbehaviour without my intervention and i tell him to let me know when he's calmed down and is ready to behave properly (let me change his nappy, say sorry to his brother etc) and it's truly a beautiful moment, when he's let out his steam, ridden the wave of his emotions and then lifts his arms up asking for me, and crawls gratefully back into mummy's loving arms knowing that all is forgiven and forgotten. What better way to shape good behaviour than offering all the love in the world when your child has worked through their emotions? If they stay up later ocassionally, or have a bit of screen time when I'm exhausted, I think we'll be right.
For me what he is saying is that raising children is not the same as being as nice to your kids always. Sometimes it is about setting bounduries.
I remember when i called my mom a “Bitch” in a moment of rage when i was i 6 grade. She made me cry for the whole evening… and said that i could not go to the sleepover in school that weekend. After 2-3 hours of me walking up in my room and coming down crying and up and down….
She said: you can go to the sleepower, but you never call your mom a bitch again! Is that understood ?
And 24 years later i have not yet called her a bitch again ❤
"HOW TO BE A PERSON YOU ACTUALLY LIKE BEFORE BRINGING KIDS INTO THE UNIVERSE"
👏
I'm on a journey to being a better father.... Thank you Jordan!
This philosophy is spot on. As a young kid I needed less rules. The environment was too restrictive.
Especially the school I was on was really dogmatic and rigid. It killed my creativeness and demonized my search for boundaries and truth.
Didn't know at the time off course. So I rebelled hard against all authorities.
Every bit of this boils down to simple kindness.
When you can be kind, you can come back.
Thanks, Dr. & Mrs. Peterson! I LOVE this one. You two are a Godsend! Happy Mothers Day! Thanks for all you do! I wouldn't be who I am without your teachings. I mean that. You've helped me (and, consequently, my family) through the darkest times of my life thus far. "Thank You" seems hardly sufficient... Thank You 💕🙏🏼🥲
Oooo
Oooo
😊😊😊
"Good parenting equals working yourself out of a job" - Jack Spirko
The number of rules you have for your children should decline as time goes on, as they've learned to discipline and instill rules upon themselves.
Please clip out more about this subject!! I find it very helpful in strategizing about the future of my 1.5 year old child
I love these videos, I do wish the audio was louder but the video itself is always spectacular
It's alright ony device so maybe you could check that out
My brother in christ, you control the volume.
There are some chrome plugins you can use to boost the sound, just make sure to not go too much above 150% else quality goes down
If you can't find any, reply to this message and I dig up the ones I use for you
@@riskfactor5686 on my phone it's real quiet
Me too ..but I am getting hard of hearing from doing hard time in the salt mine ..these videos changed my life for real 😊 not sure will ever fully recover I'm just really happy about being out of the the mine God bless every one here and thank you Mr Peterson you have given me the tools I need to live the rest of my life in peace .
That depiction of the moment of forgiveness was so beautiful it made me excited to forgive my kids, and I don’t have any yet!
Your content is an invaluable resource for parents on the journey of raising children. As someone deeply committed to nurturing young minds, I'm truly inspired by your insights. Raising children is an incredible responsibility, and it's our duty to help them grow into compassionate, honest, and patient individuals.
In the words of Fred Rogers, 'The greatest gift you ever give is your honest self.' Our children learn by example, and it's our actions that mold their character. 'Patience is not the ability to wait, but how you act while you're waiting,' says Joyce Meyer. Instilling this virtue in our children is a gift that keeps on giving.
Teaching honesty is equally vital. 'Honesty is a very expensive gift; don't expect it from cheap people,' warns Warren Buffett. Our role as parents is to show our children the worth of integrity.
Keep sharing your invaluable wisdom, as it resonates with all of us striving to raise responsible, respectful, and kind-hearted kids.
Yep I recognise the battle I had with my daughter. Minimal rules ensure things don’t get complicated. A basic set is enough. It supposed to help train discernment. You are free to explore the world and all it has to offer. But it you break things you don’t have it for tomorrow?
Thank you for sharing your experiences and insights and information!
I grew up in what i believe to be loving family but extremely strict parents..obedience was most important to them.... they pride themselves as successful at parenting, i got a good life, independent, got higher education, traveled and lived abroad.... but as much as i love them, i don't miss them.... i was happy to be out..... and barely feel the need to be with them.... which makes me wonder how good of a job did they really do.
Do you have kids ? I suppose no.
When, at your turn, you become a parent, you'll go back to them.
@@davidpicard2744so true.
I got a bit emotional by watching Jordan relive his specific father and child moments, he clearly got somewhat happy by remembering and you can see he loves his kids.
That sibling rule will be one of my top rules. I always hated mean siblings portrayed in tv shows or movies. I feel like your sibling is the person you should show the utmost kindness to. I have 3 older sisters so I get it - we see each other’s ugly side and know way too much about one another so can hurt each other the most.
My older brother was very mean and a bully to me growing up. So when I got older and he could no longer bully me, I was mean to him, now we do not have a good relationship and he’s my only sibling. Close relationships with friends dwindle as you get older and you lean on relationships with siblings. If you don’t have that it’s tough
Home Alone is a great example of that!
Jordan Peterson: the godfather of an entire generation of civilized children
Jordan is brilliant. Such a great mentor.
Jordan Peterson, I’m sure you get this a lot but I can’t get enough of your honest, brilliant, advice. I love that you dissect every aspect and meticulously answer in a way that everyone can understand and connect. Thank you for this.
6:01 - "Who are you to impose your rules on your child?"
"Well, I'm his parent."
"But what gives you that right?"
"...It isn't exactly my right, it is my responsibility."
and, my favourite part: "It's not like I want to put my child on the steps...It's not pleasurable. I don't want the kid to be a squalling, wretched reprobate that everyone hates."
I often tell my kids that this is not fun for me, when I have to enforce a rule. That it is for their benefit, not mine.
Thanks for this. I remember all this from other times but i fear ive forgotten some. We've been teaching our little girl to read(from the book you suggested), she really gets a kick out of knowing, but boy does she wrestle with learning. Not the actual learning itself just sort of a fear of trying because when she does try shes as sharp as a razor.
Would you mind sharing what book he recommended?
Yeah please share
May your daughter have the brightest future and the happiest smile, a soul looking forward to knowledge is a beautiful one.
“Do you really want to hold a grudge? Wouldn’t it be better if it was over?” -Jordan Peterson
Great advice for any relationship
Wonderful distillation. Great advice! I know many parents and children will be helped by your advice. ❤🎉
Yeah, my wife and I have no clue what we're doing, guess we'll find out how we did in about 16 years... When our toddler throws a tantrum, we've noticed that, unlike an adult, he's not mad at us, not really, he's mad at what's happening, which is totally fair when this whole life thing is new to you. So what we do, is swallow our anger and frustration, and keep our cool, and pretend we're on his side. We'll take him to his room and hold onto him as he struggles to leave. Saying things like, it's ok, we understand, deep breaths, you got this. And after awhile, we can legit see him trying to get a hold of himself, and as he actually calms down and stops, and becomes capable of speech again, we tell him good job, emotions can be tough but you wrangled them real good, how do you feel now? And usually we can talk about the situation briefly, and then he's happy as a clam and we move on.
It is real hard on us though, wish I knew how long I could expect this phase to last.
Love you Dr. Peterson! We only counted to 3, they always waited until the end. Instead of us having to sit worry them in time out- we put their favorite thing in time out- cowboy boots, toy, chair...
This is great. I apply the minimum effective dose rule to all other areas of my life and have not even considered doing it to my discipline/parenting approach.
A reasonable approach. Had to share it.
Great lesson! Thank you both!
I have no kids, still watching this.
Ive read the rule about "never let your kids do anything that makes you dislike them" oh boy, my niece is a perfect example as to why this is important.
She is turning 7 and she really isn't fun to be around. My nephew(different parents) on the other hand who is 2,5 is such a delightful kid to be around, super cute.
However I always feel a little bit bad about it because I do know that my niece* gets less nice/fun things because of the difference in behavior.
*she has been diagnosed with ODD and autism, trying to correct her behavior she just stone-walls. It is exhausting trying to navigate her behavior, I am weary for her future, but as an aunt I can't influence her that much (not like she listens to me anyway 😂)
It is not always the parents. I have two children, one of whom is incredibly disagreeable, loud, extroverted, stubborn, strong-willed. The other is very agreeable, reserved, reflective, eager-to-please, gentle-natured. Both are boys. Same environment. Same two parents. One of them is a hell of a lot easier to raise. I love them both, though, and accept that my oldest son's attributes might take him farther in his adult life🤷
@@leahwilliams9333 Unless they are twins, the environment can not be totally the same. However, children do have different personalities. And we must also remember that even God has problems with his children.
@@leahwilliams9333 That's my sister and I. Raised the same, by the same people. She is abrasive and disagreeable like one of your sons while I'm agreeable and reserved like your other son. I don't really know what happened.
@Hoodwinked Bunny difference in temperament, personality is a soul thing not a raised thing, altho it can change their decisions it won't change who they are just what they like or dislike or what they get anxiety for, some people are born sweet and kind, some are born as psychopaths, it's a luck of the draw you never know who you're gonna get, and who they will become.
Seeing the relationship he has with his children I am 100% inclined to take his word about raising kids. He makes me excited to be a future father, but I'm still long ways to go to create a stable environment for my future lil buggers
The understanding I used was that there is X amount of capital toward having my kids do what I say. Once that is gone, the kids will not obey/respect what I say. So whenever a situation came up - I weighed out whether to use some of that capital knowing it that it was limited.
My son was asked by his father in law: How did you turn out so well? My son replied, "Mom did not have a lot of rules, we were left to our own devices, but when we did something wrong she came down like ton of bricks" My son is now a Vice President of a company.
learning that alot of what we've been taught thoughout my life is misguided, things such as, men should not cry, any form of violence is wrong, aggressive children should be on drugs and countless other things thanks to peterson, some other Dr's and other figures, thank you Jordan you've really helping me making sense of a world gone mad, discovering you has cheered me up some but more so given me some hope over the past month since i've been watching your channels, also you had me in stitches throughout this, I can her the love you have for you children and the people of the earth.
Dear God, in describing his son he just described, EXACTLY, my daughter. Thank God there's hope at the end of this. And props to me for stumbling into apparently the correct way to handle her psychotic tantrums. 🤯
The goal should be to raise independant adults who will not be gullible and led down moronic paths.
Like listening to anything Jordan Peterson says?
@@quietcynic1more like believing in a 2 party political system
JP is such a blessing, I could listen to him speak on just about any subject. So much wisdom packed into a single man, and he's obviously allowing the Holy Spirit to guide him towards aiding in the betterment of modern society.
🙏
You are so right. Such a decent, wise man. Wisdom is the mother of decency. Is impossible not not to be.
His wife is so respectful, she had opportunities to interrupt him while he was speaking to share something but she decided to let him talk all he wanted without one interruption because the question was for him and she saw no necessity to add anything else. She is so respectful and professional
With my son it was/is pretty simple. What I say goes, don't be a butthole, do the things you should and don't do the things you shouldn't. He's 10 now and it's a little more complicated obviously. As a full time single dad since he was a baby it was really important and still is. He is and always has been an amazing kid. Right now we talk about his "job" and how important it is. His "job" is to be a kid. A good kid to put it short. Just like it's my "job" to be a good dad. He takes it pretty seriously and he expects me to hold up to my end of the bargain too lol.
I did the countdown, too. And i would start at the number that would give them time to perform. If he or she wasn't making progress by 3 or 2, i didn't go down to zero.
It works with boys and girls who aren't mine, too, lol. The PE class was off in the bushes and trees when i joined a few minutes late, rather than doing warmups. FIVE! FOUR! THREE! oh boy were they scrambling to get back where they were supposed to be!
Kids that don't eat garbage processed addictive food are much more well behaved aswell
You know you have a real problem in your hands when your extremely unruly child eats good healthy food
@@alvareo92 ain't that the truth!
Nah its that type "parents" that give that type of "food" to their children. Instead of cooking good meals weak parents opt for convenience and comfort(yucky).
Lol
@@alvareo92😂😂😂 facts
Would love advice on teenagers.
A mom I knew had a chair set at the bottom of the attic stairs: anyone misbehaved and you’d sit in that chair looking up those steps. Nobody misbehaved in that house 😂
"Hunt Gather Parent" books by michaeleen doucleff!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my goodness i hope someone sees this and reads it, that's all you need
6:47 “I don’t want the kid to be a squalling wretched reprobate”😂😂. That has to be one of the best JBP quotes ever.
Need to tell some of my family members with badly behaved kids that one.
He's got a way with word few people do nowadays.
Peterson is absolutely right when he describe the importance of articulate speech. I think me learning English by reading mostly books from old, or long-gone, authors has helped me gain a level of expertise I couldn't have gained otherwise. Few authors, or speakers for that matter, push the envelope now, because it's not expedient, and tends to lose the attention of people who have, in their minds at least, better things to do than listen quietly.
My mother used to have temper tantrums, completely out of control, sometimes in public to. It's true, that's something that will scar you for life as a kid. I used to resent my mother for it but I have let it go some years ago. Now I have kids of my own, still toddlers, but I have learnt to control my own temperament, or I can recognize fairly quickly and adjust. I consider raising kids part of higher purpose so I won't let them succumb to this. Keep your head level and your own (negative) emotions in check with them, it's easy to unwillingly condition them to undesirable behavior if you haven't sorted yourself out.
Thanks!
A yt channel I love watching is Joseph Carter the mink man. He takes his children on the hunt, shows them the meaning of life and death, talks to them like a little adult, he is very respectful to them. They are going to grow up as very mentally strong human beings.
Thanks
Perhaps it's a good idea to get married for real. Makes sense for having children.
It would really be great if there was a link to the full in the description.
If you don't forgive someone's genuine apology, it means you aren't a reasonable person.
I use the 10 second count down on mine. And the youngest will test what the minimum level of compliance is. I'll say 5, he'll stare me down. I'll say 4 he'll make a slight change towards compliance and so on. Faster tempo was the cure for that.
Redneck parenting 😂
My whole young parental life I was resentful of being the disciplinary instead of my husband. Now, after our divorce (we were young and stupid) I'm thankful for it. Apparently him and his GF bought an extra mirror for the hallway so the boys don't fight over the bathroom in the morning. When I heard this I thought to myself "can't relate." We three share ONE bathroom. We discuss the morning rotation each night before bed in case any adjustments need to be made. The schedule is LAW and bickering isn't allowed. We are a unit with a common goal. I also respectfully spoke to the ex about that being total BS. They KNOW how to act. Basically, I ratted the boys out. I really think discipline as a child helps educate the parent on what works for the individual child as well as the unit like Dr. Peterson mentioned. Teenagers are rough but you at least need a foundation by then. That includes being viewed as an authority figure as well. When I was a little girl my dad compared it to raising a puppy. A well trained puppy makes a happy dog that you can bring places and do things with. My eldest and I now have excellent communication. My ex was upset that I was the first to find out about the GF. Because I was the discipline. We have a foundation of respect. We are functional enough to engage in conversation now. My biggest concern is them thinking it's acceptable to act up at their father's. By act up I mean things like fighting of course. They're honors students, generally respectful, and don't get into trouble.
Loved this particular the comment if you both agree on something what's the chances you are both crazy absolute excellent rational throughout thank you fine sir this helped
"You use minimal necessary force." Unless you were a kid that grew up in a first-gen immigrant household where your parents would discipline you by threatening to unleash the leather belt every time you stepped out of line...
Yup. Step-dad used to use the belt all the time. I was lucky if he didn't hit me on my back with the buckle. I still remember the sound of him grabbing the belt with two hands and pulling it apart to make it snap loudly from the other room. He used to do that to let me know I was about to get hit.
@@TheTristianNetwork That's the way to terrorize another. Loathsome. 😢
@@vaska1999 That's when you know he really enjoyed it
That happened in houses that were not first gen. Just saying.
This is Gold
I💙💜🩵🙏🏽🦋you!
Thank you Dr. Peterson!
I listen, I learn, I grow! TY!
So thankful for this man's wisdom and insight.
I love listening to him
Plus he is funny 😂
A family friend had great success with his children by having them write sentences as punishment. We're confident it contributed to all his children going to college.
3 rules that can run a healthy home and or classroom.
We take care of ourselves. Our stuff. And each other.
I like this ALOT thanks for sharing!
@@bmylove4444 you’re welcome. I wish I could say I thought of it on my own, but I got it from a fellow teacher. Has worked wonders for me so happy to share. Have a good day!
@@megancurran5537 I'm a teacher as well, no wonder it resonated with me! :D
You can do that because you are the responsible parent. Great insights ❤
They have to understand the game of adults and how to work with it but to release that battle as much as possible, good hearing cheers
Man, I love Peterson.
I absolutely LOVE JORDAN PETERSON. I KNOW EVERYONE IS IN TITLED TO THEIR OPINION BUT, HES NEVER ONCE TOLD PARENTS TO HIT THEIR KIDS JUST TO SIMPLY BE STURN AND STICK WITH IT. AS IF HES WRONG. I MEAN LOOK AT THE MAJORITY OF US. FD UP BECAUSE WE UNRESOLVED ISSUES FROM OUR PAST, GOT TOLD TO KEEP YOUR FEELINGS TO YOURSELF AND SO FORTH. ANYWAYS. I LOVE HIS TACTICS. IF I WOULD OF KNEW ABOUT HIM SOONER WHEN MY KIDS WERE LITTLE. ID DEFINITELY WOULD OF TRIED HIS METHODS.
If either of my boys teased or insulted the other, I would ask him to say 3 nice things about him... and they couldn't be trite. I never 'made' them 'apologize' to each other bc forced apologies aren't always genuine, but having to think of 3 nice things about the other made them really think about the reasons they actually liked/loved their brother.
Also, to keep things fair and aggravation-free when having to split & choose treats, I would let one child cut or separate (say, a piece of cake or muffin or bag of chips) and then let the OTHER one choose. Sometimes the precision of the cutting/dividing would take MUCH longer than one would think.
Also, any time we would go to store/market, I started by telling them both that unless they had at LEAST half the money in their pockets for whatever things they would inevitably find and bring me to buy for them, I didn't even want to see it. If they DID find something they really wanted & had half the money for, I wold tell them to wait 24 hours and if they STILL wanted the thing then, and it was an agreeable & deserved item, I would bring them back for it.
How many times did we EVER go back in 15 years?? NONE. ZERO. Saved me from the aggravation of being nagged about this and that toy while in the store and them alot of wasted money on nonsensical, cheap & crappy toys that got used once & broken or forgotten while also teaching them to hold onto their money for more important or meaningful things.
Teaching children to self-regulate is probably the most important skill we can teach them... every other thing in life comes from how we self-regulate, or not.
My daughter is four and she is a very perceptive and intelligent child. Enough so, that instead of thinking up arbitrary rules and abstract punishments, she actually grasps WHY she needs to behave certain ways, and why she needs not to behave in other ways (I assume it would've been more tricky was she a boy). We of course have much larger amounts of patience than to anyone else in our lives, but we make her feel like we're treating her as an equal, as we would approach other people. She throws food on the ground? We talk to her about why wasting food is a stupid idea. She keeps doing it? We let her go hungry for a while (no longer than few hours of course), because why would we give hard earned and laborously prepared food to someone who just wastes it. She now knows if she wastes food, it's lost, and that it's not infinite.
We don't have a rule "you should ask politely if you want something". If she wants it, and she's making demands, screaming and tapping her foot, we just ignore her until she asks nicely, as will anyone she meets later in life. We don't have a rule "don't run around the house", we say "if you keep running around like a maniac you'll trip and fall, and it'll hurt", and we let her run around, trip and fall. We will give some comfort when she's in pain, but the lesson is learned without our intervention, better than any rule would do it.
Of course it doesn't go for absolutely everything, we will intervene when she's doing anything potentially dangerous, or something that might end up with her breaking expensive things. But the beauty of this approach is that after a while she learned that what we say usually comes true, and believes us when we warn her. So because we let her trip and fall a few times, she believes when we say that if she runs out into the street she'll get ran over by a car etc. This trust goes so far at this point that she asks on her own volition whether she can do something new before doing it. Not in a "do you allow it" way, but in a "what do you think about it" way.
And because we respond to the way she treats us in a manner similar to how a stranger would, she's doing a great job with relationships, because she knows well that hitting someone or saying mean stuff will not make them like her. She uses words like please, thank you and I'm sorry not because she was disciplined to do so, but because she has a good understanding of their function in interpersonal relationships. Caretakers in kindergarten are just mindboggled when they see her apply that not just towards them, but other children too. And she's not a pushover either, because we give her a lot of autonomy. She's very assertive and is quick to signal when she doesn't want something. And we almost never make her do anything she doesn't want, even though it sometimes takes a lot of work to convince her why she should, with very rare exceptions when it's absolutely necessary.
There are no rules in terms of how she needs to behave, she can act however she wants. The only rule is that we will react accordingly, like we would to anyone else treating us in the same manner (obviously toned down at times, just enough so that she gets the idea). Even our house pets come to her on their own for petting and playing, because we've shown her experientially that if she gives them enough space they will enjoy spending time with her.
I think many parents are over-reliant on discipline techniques because they don't have faith in their child's ability to see cause and effect, they don't believe their child will understand. At times it's almost like they see children as not being human, and instead of building a relationship with them, they will train them like you would train a puppy. From what I see, children are capable to make these connections from a very young age, and they can really surprise you with how observant they are, and how much of what's going on they understand. Establishing rules is not the only possible way to establish boundaries, and it's natural (and very much necessary) for children to test their parents' boundaries on a regular basis.
It depends on the child and the parents really. If you were an unruly child yourself, you will probably have unruly kids. If that is the case, you are in for a lot of yelling. If you have always been well-behaved, your kid will almost certainly be well-behaved. This might seem like ez-mode but you can make the mistake of ignoring them because they aren't causing trouble. They still need a lot of attention and love.
Thank god for this man.
Such amazing advice from the "dangerous radical"...
Tour around the US telling other people how to do it- thanks Jordan!
I've never had to fight a 2-year-old as Dr. Peterson suggests. But I do have a story about a tussle with a 5-year-old that went very much in my favor. I'm a Taekwondo instructor. I had opened the school before class, and there were two brothers that were just bugging each other nonstop. After about the fifth warning, I told them, "If either of you does that again, you have to sit out next to your mom until class starts." They both agreed. For about a minute. Then the younger brother was bugging his older brother again. I told him to sit out. He just looks at me smugly and says, "No." So I picked him up and carried him out. He started crying. His mom backed me up. A few minutes after class started, he was over it and had a good time.
So, a normal man can take a two year old child, but it takes a taekwondo instructor to take on a five year old. This is a steep power ladder, damn!
I personally think, a parent should lead by example how they want their kids to be like, when you give rules they will break them. I have seen it so many times, but when you act a certain way. You set an example to them.
I stand to be corrected.
Oh, to be a man of virtue,
With compassion in his soul,
To live a life of honor,
And to make his heart his goal.
To treat his fellow man with kindness,
And to love his neighbor true,
To be a friend to all who need him,
And to help them see it through.
For virtue is the key to happiness,
And compassion is its guide,
To live a life of love and kindness,
And to never leave one's side.
So let us strive to live with virtue,
And to treat each other well,
For in the end, it is our kindness,
That will make our story tell.
And when the final day has come,
And we look back on our life,
May we be proud of all we've done,
And the love we shared in strife.
For there is no greater joy in life,
Than to be a man of virtue true,
To live a life of love and kindness,
And to make our hearts anew.
Dedicated to jordan and t Campbell mbt
I'm going to bookmark this and listen to a few times a week. So quotable lol
I didn’t have a lot of rules either growing up. When my dad found out I did something stupid he would have a long talk about it at every angle he would tell me stuff he did and how when ur younger you don’t realize what the consequences can be like when u took my car the reason I know is because the neighbor told me he said you were spinning the tires and his kids were playing 30ft away now imagine you hurt those kids u would go to jail and daddy’s checkbook can’t get u out of that and when u get out of jail u try to get a job do u think a good company wants to hire someone with a criminal record? No they don’t. One time at 12 years old my friend and I found some nails in a parking lot and were caught trying to put them under a cars tire by a cop and when my dad talked to me he said would you do that to my car? If ur friend did it to my car would u think it’s wrong? If someone did that to u would u be mad? Ok why would u do that to someone then? He explained everything from all angles so I understood what’s right and wrong and the consequences and how doing things like this will lead u down a bad road u will meet worse and worse people and become that person if that’s what you wanna do then go ahead throw ur life down the toilet I just want to educate you that life isn’t all like it seems when ur young and feel like ur parents will get u out of Everything. IMO parents need to have conversations like that not just yell at them saying how stupid they are and how they are grounded for a month.
Parenting is really not easy.
More reason I published books on amazon on it to guide parents on how to raise their kids the way they want.
Christine Allen is my name, Thanks
I think we have some basic rules. All revolve around not being destructive essentially. Breaking stuff, hurting people, making messes etc. Weve tried time outs, spankings, taking away treats/snacks or toys. He STILL loves being destructive and he makes himself miserable because of it because he is constantly getting in trouble.
I find my son tends to listen better when he feels connect to me(in right relationship). Also I realized there was a lot of work I needed to do to be a confident leader within that dynamic. I believe that children have the desire to do good but may be acting out as a sign of dysregulation or a desire to connect with their parents. Last night my son and I played a card game and had some laughs together, afterwards I noticed an improvement in his behavior.
@jessieweitman-willich6345 ya he has his good streaks. Like if they day starts good, it ends good. But sometimes he just gets in this cycle. He will do something bad like color the walls at 5am and he gets put in time out for a good while, once he gets out hes back at doing something else like flushing toys down the toilet.
The last good day we had we went to the park first thing where he could run around like a nut for a couple hours and the whole rest of the day went great.
But we cant go to the park every single day. And after daycare most of the time, he wants to bounce off the walls till bedtime. Its exhausting. We cant get much done. Someone has to constantly keep an eye on him while the other makes dinner and does dishes. Etc.
It is exhausting
I’ve decided it’s ok to accept I might really not like a lot of what I see in my kids…I’m not giving up on them, but it is absolutely exhausting at times.
@lavenderkisses9461 we are too. Its frustrating. We have a had a couple small wins lately but also some of the worst behavior weve ever seen. We are gonna keep going on what worked and see what happens
@@3eightiesopinion524 yep-I don’t know if you feel this way, but some kids are just harder. Period. And I used to aim for that mostly “happy atmosphere” But felt so much less stress once I accepted-that might not happen.
It’s more important that I reinforce and am committed to training my kids.
If they are happy moments-it’s literally a bonus. Lol
Jordan says shit, I can not get behind. But he more often then not, has very reasonable insight for the learning parents. How, anyone could think he needs “re-education” is beyond me.
How's this working these day's? Glad I got a dose of this! Not what I thought, I always wonder what would have happened if I found a nice english speaking community within the past who had better evolved science and didn't need to have fights because they kept life and networking simple to keep social issue's at a minimum! I guess it depends where you stay and somthing's are not about exuasted resources because some people are not good at consuming! Did anyone get somthing there? Thier's a win! Need the shirt tomorrow? You also got me without! Where to stay safe?
The best discipline instrument according to Mama, was the "Chancla" 😂😂 👡 Thanks Dr. Peterson for your words.
We only had a few rules, but they were enforced. Because we were involved in our children’s lives, we didn’t use grounding or curfews. We would discuss events and what was a reasonable time to return home. Instead of grounding, we used consequences. Why ground a kid and listen to the whining. Consequences are much more effective.
My parents we very strict when I was growing up. Maybe because they were less strict with their first child, my sister. Although I was given free roam of the entire neighborhood at an early age, my mother was so against video games. This was back in the late 80s / early 90s. Only after allllll the chores were done was I able to play, but my mother would set a kitchen timer above the tube tv and set it to 15 min. And that was it. A whole 15 min.
So as you can probably guess, after I moved out of my parents house, I wanted to make up for lost time and probably took it to far. That isn’t to say I didn’t become a successful person - I’ve owned and operated a small business for 13 years now, but still to this day, video games are my favorite hobby and I put in a good 20-25 hours per week. Sorry mom!
Minimum amount of rules and force, brilliant